All Fantasy Everything - Food Court (w/ Katherine Spiers and Andrew Ti)

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

This ain't no middle of the mall type shit. Okay, that's actually exactly what it is. Host Ian Karmel is joined by LA Weekly food editor Katherine Spiers and Yo, Is This Racist? creator Andrew Ti to draft mall food courts. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that Google Maps said it would take 44 minutes to get here, but our podcast got here in 37 minutes, even though it's LA traffic, and it's just surface streets. It's just surface streets until you get to the 101, and then even though it's in the middle of traffic or in the middle of rush hour, there's some guy just going like 10 miles

under the speed limit, acting like it's just a normal time. Listen, if you want to do that at 2 p.m., you go right ahead. You go 10 miles under the speed limit at 2 p.m. But 6, 630, that's the big leagues, all right? And you go at least the speed limit. It's that podcast. That's the big leagues, all right? And you go at least the speed limit. It's that podcast.

That's what I'll fit. Yeah, so maybe we talk about LA traffic, and I got into it right off the bat. Do you think we're going to talk about LA traffic now? More like throughout the podcast? Yeah, I feel like now it's just, we've seeded it. I feel like I'm slowly getting these demons out. Do you... How long have you lived in LA, man?

Three and a half years. Oh, you're still a newbie. I'm still such a newbie. Yeah. This is all new and newly aggravating for you. Yeah. I still get annoyed by it. How long have you lived here?

13 years. 13 years. Well, let me make the introductions really quick. Joining us today on All Fantasy Everything, we have Catherine Spires, food editor from LA Weekly. LA stands for Los Angeles. That's right. Okay, fantastic. And also one of the co-hosts of the Smart Mouth podcast.

I mean, the only host. Oh, you're the only host? Yeah. God damn it. I wanted to give you something to ridicule me for. Well, there you go. You did it. You should be so ashamed.

I am ashamed. I'm ashamed and I will shame eat later because of it, but only based on your recommendations. Okay. As a sort of a penance. Uh-huh. I went to the website for the podcast. Yeah. And I just saw pictures of you with other people.

And I'm like, rather than guests, I'm like a different co-host every time. That's what you went with. Yeah. Okay. Does that mean you think podcasts are normally just one person mumbling into a microphone? Yeah. Anything more than that is- It's a co-host.

Co-host. Yeah. Like Mark Maron, God can't keep a co-host, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goes through them like crazy. Right. Thousands of co-hosts at this point. It's a normal pod up the top.

Yeah. And then, yeah, pod co-host. I get it. That other voice you hear, Andrew T. What's up? Co-host of the Yo! Is This Racist podcast. Correct. Yeah. Correct. Yeah.

Correct. Returning champion from the Chicken podcast. I was not a champion. You were a champion. Did we vote even on that one? I don't remember. I think we did vote, and nobody can remember the champion, so let's just say it was you. I'm going to take that one.

That was a gimme, though, because I snatched fried chicken up at the top. You got fried chicken. Oh, that's a cheat. That's a cheat. Yeah. Y'all were playing catch-up after that. ketchup after that somebody we were putting ketchup on some of our dishes oh boy yeah didn't somebody take broasted or what somebody tried to like take some like fake and not broasted that bori david boy andrew took fried chicken yeah david tried to like circumnavigate it somehow by taking some sort of almost fried chicken roasted yeah that's very niche what is it again it's a special technique that you have to have special equipment

to do you have to have a visor flipped upside down that's right collared shirt with the collar flipped up yeah you nailed it that's what it is i've never once not sat in this seat and said what is broasted yeah every time that's my catchphrase uh this allows me to bring up another theory i developed the broasted thing yeah i was i've been going to the beach a lot lately oh just trying to have a summertime again only it took me three and a half years in la to start going to the beach i've never been to the beach you've never been to the beach no why would you oh they got sand and then there's water. Yeah? Yeah. You're not selling me. Oh, okay. Sharks.

Ooh. Yeah. Sometimes there's sharks. Well, I didn't know there was excitement. Yeah, there's excitement. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Adrian Grenier's Aquaman is swimming around out there.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Talking to jellyfish. From the TV show Entourage. He's an Aquaman? In the TV show he was. He got cast in oh i just you said aquaman and i went straight to jason momoa and then my brain just exploded that guy's a hunk huh

oh i stood in line behind him at the arc light what was that like his skin looked like brown sugar it was all i could do not to touch him and sort of lick he was wearing a tank top why he's not allowed to do that i know everyone was losing their minds and then i was trying to like subtly explain to my friend who doesn't watch tv who he was and she goes cold dragon what it was the most humiliating moment of my life turn around uh yeah the perfect muscles in his shoulders rippling as he arcs his neck backwards to see who mispronounced his character that he played for one season. It was humiliating and sexy. Yeah. Yeah.

Which, you know, for something to be sexy, it has to be humiliating. Agreed. We're all on the same page. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We all, there's a whole industry for that. Yeah.

Called sex. All about. Just normal sex. All around about way to bring up how, you know, Redondo Beach? Yeah. It's such a fun word to say like a bro. You sound like the ghost of a bro if you say, Redondo. I didn't think you were going to put that energy into that.

Redondo. You sound like three things. A ghost, a bro, and also the guy Don Pardo from Saturday Night Live. Yeah. And musical guest, Redondo Beach. Redondo. Redondo. It's it's the do yeah it's really hard to not sound like a bro yeah it was like yeah i uh actually purchased a 68 unit apartment building uh and i'm you know hoping to sort of parlay that into my full-time job it's over in redondo

you can't help it so you've been here for 13 years, Catherine. Yeah. Where were you? Where did you live before that? I grew up in Seattle. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And then I went to college at UC Santa Barbara.

Yeah. I moved here right after college. Santa Barbara. Yeah, Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara. I loved it there. I lived on DP. I don't know if there's any UCSB fans out there.

Most of our podcast listeners are UCSB fans. I bet. Yeah. I bet. They love I bet. They love wine country. They love Oprah's house. Oh, God. Yeah. Doesn't Oprah own a house in Santa Barbara? Well, technically in Montecito, which is the richer part of Santa Barbara. Oh, that's crazy that Santa Barbara has a richer part. It's nuts. And I used to nanny up there for the family that created the nanny. Oh. How cute is that? Oh, my God that that's amazing yeah yeah it was fun nanny squared yeah nanny by nanny

uh so third are you over the traffic yet i i came in i would like just to explain to the listeners just so frazzled by the la traffic just straight up frazzled i'd like much like the nanny i was frazzled yeah yeah yeah you were cranky i was cranky um it defines so much of what you do in la this traffic though because there's no public transportation no so you can't safely read while you're getting to your place there are buses but i assume they're just there to slow traffic down that's what i've convinced myself of in my head i'm like these buses are empty yeah they're just here to fuck me up i i had because i moved here from New York where I was like and my first job in LA was an hour away

from where I live and I would tell myself well I would sit on the fucking subway for an hour like who cares I guess that's true you know you moved here from Portland Portland Oregon

traffic is actually really bad in Portland because most of the people are on horses can I tell you this i've been trying to get the phrase traf traf to catch on oh traf traf instead of traffic yeah there's exactly two people that like it uh two white dudes who are either marrying into or trying to marry into my family okay and they're both like at holidays and stuff so they have ulterior motives traff traff yeah hilarious as always andrew everyone else is like that's real unpleasant to think about catch me on a saturday and i'll say traff traff that's what i'm saying man all right i'm gonna i'm going to manhattan beach this saturday just to go swimming yeah text me you're

like ian has that traff traff i'm like Traff Traff, and then that X emoji, and then Gnar. Traff Traff is not Gnar. Catherine, do you guys have anything to promote? I like to do the promotions up front. Anything people should check out or can see you anytime soon? I mean, just Smart Mouth. Smart Mouth podcast on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook. And you recently started hosting that alone.

You got rid of your co-host. Yeah, I did. That's amazing. Yeah. Check out Smart Mouth. Explain you recently started hosting that alone. You got rid of your co-host. Yeah, I did. That's amazing. Check out Smart Mouth. Explain to the people what it is. It's a food history podcast. So for every episode, I ask the guests ahead of time what their favorite food is. And then I research it and blow their minds with where it originally came from and stuff

like that. That's amazing. Oh, that's so fun. I have fun doing it. Andrew's been on it. I was on it. We did rosé wine for my episode, which I had convinced myself many years ago that rosé was just like graveyard of wines. Yeah.

Like half red, half white. All good. Not the case. Turns out you can do it that way, but most people don't. If I recall. Only tacky people. That's right. Yeah. Like me. Yeah, people don't, if I recall. Only tacky people, that's right. Yeah, like me.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, just for me, listen to Yo, Is This Racist? Yeah. Or go to YoIsThisRacist.com. Fantastic. That's it, just do that. Now, today, we are, oh, check it, go to David Borey and Sean Jordan.

Not here today. Not that they're the co-hosts or anything. But they're kind of getting there. I just want to let the, Sean's traverse city michigan right now david is somewhere probably wearing a silk robe doing stand-up comedy uh go to their websites for their comedy dates and for me just come to uh good looks at the ucb theater the first and third wednesday eight o'clock uh here in la that's that's the thing i will say this. So we were talking before we started recording about how I had never met Sean,

but because I listen to the podcast, I feel like I know him. Yeah. And also because I feel like now I'm the replacement Midwest boy. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I need to come strong with some weird Midwestern shit. You have to represent the middle of the country.

David Borey lived in Tacoma for a while. Oh, okay. So you're filling in the even further Pacific and Northwestern. Yeah, I wish he was here so I could make fun of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Tacoma. It sucks. Trying to pass by with that Chihuly Glass Museum.

Oh, it's so sad. And Tacoma still smells bad. Yeah. It's like, yeah, they shut down the beer factory and everything, but it still smells bad. Yeah. What? It's like, yeah, they shut down the beer factory and everything, but it still smells like ass. I went to a Mormon wedding in Tacoma. Yeah. And my, because part of my family is Mormon.

It's an incredibly long story. Okay. But the non-Mormon part of the family, my cousin who lives in Seattle, rented like a van that had a DVD player in the back. Yeah. So we watched Dave Chappelle's block party and drank airplane liquor during the parts of the ceremony, like airplane bottles of liquor in the parking lot. Yeah. While we weren't allowed to be at the Mormon part of the ceremony.

Oh, right. Well, you weren't allowed to go to it. Parts of it. Yeah. Really? If you're not Mormon, you can't go in the temple. Yeah. They're secretive, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like you had more fun, frankly. Probably? If you're not Mormon, you can't go in the temple. Yeah. They're secretive, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like you had more fun, frankly. Probably did. Block Party's pretty good. Let me tell you this, though. I feel like my cousin was about to, he was just like, oh, I'm going to fuck for the first time.

Oh, yeah. He was really, he was pretty stoked. You'd want to, I'd want to be near him at that moment. I know. Just to see him sort of tremoring. In his like white underwear. Mormons, y'all man there's a zero percent chance this part of the family will listen to this podcast yeah i feel good about it i'll forward it to him yeah thanks yeah just so my uncle ted poor mormons if they would have just been older none of this would seem weird

yeah you know yeah yeah yeah how do you mean just us i'm a jew and us jews do all sorts of wacky stuff oh we're just more used to it but it's just 6 000 years old so people are like you know tradition yeah the mormons they started up what 200 years ago not even yeah so we're like weirdos but like meanwhile the pope dresses like like a ghost pimp and everything and we're all just like it's normal when i i when i was moving to la i drove and i drove through utah uh for part of it yeah driving through utah i was like oh i 100 understand how you would invent a religion out here yeah right like it's insane not a lot to do well it was invented in new york i'm a lot of fun i'm a lot of fun that is fun facts are fun okay good I agree with that.

Facts is fun. It was invented in New York? Yeah, and it slowly moved itself over the country. I could very easily see you being in Utah and being like, there's got to be some American explanation for why all this exists. This is why. It's a combination of desolation and natural beauty in a way that would make you get down with God in a big way. Yeah, for sure. And want just like a ton natural beauty. Yeah, that would make you get down with God in a big way

Yeah, and rock and want just like a ton of wives. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah and cold I keep that bed warm. Oh, yeah and the jazz they've never won a championship Close that's why you got a you got to get them get five or six wives, separate houses. I don't know. I didn't watch Big Bob. You need a roster 12 deep, 15 with injuries. It's a lot like basketball, actually. Today, we are drafting on All Fantasy Everything a mall food court.

Now, Catherine, you're a food editor for LA Weekly. You write and you talk about food in your podcast. Andrew, you're big into food. Who's not, baby? No, he's a real enthusiast. You're a real food enthusiast. I have the kind of appetite that is upsetting to people. Yeah.

It's gross. It would probably upset me. I have the same appetite, but I'm like two of you holding onto each other other tumbling out of a plane i'm just saying i could eat you under the table you probably could oh it's gross i know fuck i wish i oh god damn metabolism my mom told me i went up to portland uh just to visit during the break and she was like like like we were walking and she was like oh shout out to my mom shout out to saint sue carmel who's listening uh she was like so we took you to a pediatric endocrinologist when you were little. Just because I was taller and bigger than all the other kids.

Trying to figure out if there's something wrong with me. And the doctor was just like, he's just kind of a throwback to when there wasn't any food available. Oh, wow. Yeah. She told me this when I'm 32. I had no idea up until this point. Wait, really? Yeah.

I'm just like a throwback. My metabolism slows. He was like, there's nothing wrong with him. He just needs less food, which is such a bummer because I love it. Yeah. Right. Like the amount of food you need to kill. Like to have a hamburger, what you should be doing is killing a cow.

Killing a cow. Yeah. Punching and kicking a cow. Chasing a cow, first of all. Yeah. And then punching and kicking it to death. And then fighting off vultures and packs of wild dogs.

Yeah. Yeah. God, that's a good burger, though. I hired a trainer to mimic that exact experience. I have, too. I'm on a journey myself. Are you on a journey? What's your journey? Let's call it health. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the most boring journey. know it really sucks i eat so many vegetables and i hate it i hate it yeah trying to like i put i try to put enough hot sauce on the kale that i uh there you go that i steam or whatever then it's more hot sauce than kale but you can still tell is there is there a spicy salad dressing? Sure. Like a mostly, like a very spicy. That seemed like it was going to. I thought that might be a food trend. This has been a recurring theme on this podcast because Sean Jordan puts hot sauce on salad. Jesus Christ.

What's your opinion on this? Well, if you like spicy food, why not? I mean. It just seems crazy to me. Is it? Like you could do like a little sriracha and a little oil, mix that up. There's no mixing. It's just like Tabasco sauce right out of Cholula.

On raw vegetables? Just Cholula onto wet lettuce out of a bag. I mean, that sounds like a bummer. It sounds like a bummer, right? Is that how he diets? Because it's gross? Apparently it makes him happy. No, he'll do that and then just four burritos from Ralph's. Oh, okay. Well, he'll do that and then just four burritos from Ralph's. Oh, okay.

Well, he's not a food guy. No, Taco Bell is literally his favorite food. Okay, well, let's not worry about him then. Anyway, I just wanted to get a professional's opinion on hot sauce on salad. Spicy water. Spicy Midwestern water. Spicy Midwestern water. I just think it's got to be a thing.

It is interesting that it hasn't been. Like a spicier ranch seems like it would be very popular. Oh, yeah, definitely. I'm sure some people doctor it up themselves. They must. In the lab. Yeah. I can't believe it's not a –

I just think it seems like if we're going to – like on the Brussels sprout level. I just feel like – You think it's going to go big like that? I just think it should. I could see that happening. I don't know, guys. If we're going to be eating more rustic sorts of lettuce,

you know what I mean? It's not just iceberg. A kale can hold sort of a spicier flavor, right? Yeah. Flavors are great on Brussels sprouts. And as a food trendsetter, I'm putting this bug in your head for when I somehow ghost fund a spicy salad restaurant.

You and that guy who helps Sue Gawker. That's his next boss. We're bringing down people's taste buds. Peter Thiel. His next thing is spicy salad dressing. It's been his goal all along. That's how that weird capitalist shit works, though, too. Those guys are like, yeah, I want to destroy healthcare, like, I want to destroy health care, but also I want to, like, go to the moon.

Yeah. And then, like. They do. Yeah. And also I'm a little bit in Hollywood. I want to be in Suicide Squad. Yeah. Fucking weirdos.

What? It's so, like, I can barely concentrate on one big project at a time. Yeah. Like, disparate things that have nothing to do with each other. You should try being evil. I feel like being evil gets you a lot of the way there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look into it.

Oh, I'm so tired. Maybe this salad dressing has something you're going to have to sneak past the FDA during the Trump administration. Maybe that's your angle. Yeah. Okay. I'll make some illegal salad dressing. We are drafting today our own mall food courts so from all the restaurants that are in and have been in mall food courts we are putting together our own mall food courts now the way we

determine the order of the all fantasy everything drafts is with a rollicking game of rock paper scissors played between the two of you okay yeah hell yeah so whoever wins gets to determine the draft order okay and it's rock paper scissors and shoot. I'm telling you now I'm throwing scissors. Ooh, strategy. And rock, paper, scissors, shoot! He lies! He's a liar! And I knew he'd be a liar. Catherine throws paper and defeats Andrew's rock.

Catherine, you get to determine the order. I will remind you and the listeners it is a serpentine draft. So if you pick first in the first round, you pick last in the second round. I want to pick first because I'm going to go big with my first choice. You're going big? Yeah, yeah. I'm so afraid of what you're going to pick.

I'm going to get emotional. Are you ready? You're going to go first. Who's going second? You are. Oh, thank you so much. And then Andrew goes third and fourth. So, Catherine Spires, with the first pick of the All Fantasy Everything Food Court Drafts. Yes.

You select. Panda Express. God damn it. No. Yes. It's the only one I wanted. Oh, no. I knew it.

Oh, man. There's no beating it. There's no beating it. I will Postmates it. Yeah. I will Postmates Panda Express. I've talked about it on here, but I will be sitting at home knowing how close it is. Yeah.

I could just go grab it and like a pair of socks or whatever. But talk to us about Panda Express. I'm sorry. This is your pick. It's just when I was thinking about it, it was the first thing that came to mind. I feel like it's the classic food court choice. And I feel like it really appeals to a lot of different people. Yeah.

A lot of people say they go there to be healthy like me and then they order orange chicken and probably what is it honey shrimp honey walnut shrimp yeah because if you want to party and who doesn't at panda express i love to party yeah you get the two entree plate with uh honey walnut orange chicken, and then you do the half and half fried rice chow mein. Yes. Easy, crazy. Right? Maybe throw an egg roll on there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe throw one of those egg rolls on there. Yeah. Why is it so good? I went there twice. I don't think I'd ever been before I moved to LA. And then I went twice in one day last week. That makes 100%.

You know the first one was in Glendale? Yeah. What? I think maybe in the Galleria or somewhere near there. It was like across the street from it, I think. Yeah, it's an LA local. It's because we live in the Panda Express Holy Land. Right, because it's good here.

Actually, that is true. They have a test kitchen in Covina or something where they get nuts. Can you go? Yeah. You can go to the Panda Express test kitchen? I'm going to try and set you up. I would love that. Okay, I'm going to try and make that happen. If you get me in a plus three? thing where they get nuts can you go yeah you can go to the pan express test kitchen i'm gonna try and set you up i would love that okay i'm gonna try and make that happen if you get me in a plus two plus three oh hell yeah plus three all right wait sorry was that yeah yeah i want to go we'll

do all fantasy everything field trip uh i just want to say for the record as the asian person on mic in this room. Israel's in Asia. No, okay, go ahead. I felt bad about how much I liked Panda Express. Is there a little guilt to it? Well, especially now, because one of the food trends in LA especially, but I'm sure other places,

is there's a lot of good-ass Chinese restaurants and malls. Okay, but it's not Chinese food. Right. It's the best like Chinese American. Yeah. Yeah. And they've actually started marketing it that way. Yeah. I think they call it American Chinese food, if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah. Their whole marketing team is like super on the ball and like trendy and cool and stuff. And they've like really leaned into. It's so goddamn good though. It's so good. It really is crazy. Everything is crunchy. Even the stuff that's quote unquote not fried. Right. It's still crunchy somehow. It's so goddamn good though. It's so good. It really is crazy. Everything is crunchy. Even the stuff that's quote unquote not fried.

Right. It's still crunchy somehow. It's a little crunchy. Yeah. The orange chicken, it's like got the right amount of crunch and then you bite into it and it's all tender. Yeah.

They do good work. They do good work over there. Yeah. We should, if I get, like I mean, none of this is going to be snobby on this episode because we're drafting a mall food war,

but people like turn up their nose at Panda Express when I'll tell them I want to go eat there. But they're good at what they do. I once spent a Valentine's Day at Panda Express. I love that. Alone or with somebody? With somebody. Yeah. Are there sit-down Panda Express stores or only kiosks?

Well, there's tables in the mall. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you mean, yeah. Do you know what a food court is, Andrew? No, no, no. I know, but I'm saying is there- Like table service.

Like a table service Panda Express. Yeah. Or even like a freestanding- I remember those from when I was a kid. Like a full- I think there are. Yeah. Yeah.

I think so. Man, a drive-through Panda Express would change the game forever. You don't even have to get out of your car. You know what their big drawback is, though? You can't eat it while you're drunk. Can't you? Because it's mostly in the mall, and it's hard to get your hands on it while you're hammered. I guess that is a problem.

Yeah. You're saying they close too early. They close too early. Yeah, it's the Arby's problem. For me, it's a bummer that they use Pepsi products. They have Pepsi products, not Coke products. Oh, yeah. I find that disgusting.

What? Are you a Pepsi guy? I have zero opinion. Oh, you have no allegiance. Yeah. How is that possible? I don't know. I don't care.

If I'm going to be drinking soda, I like a Coca-Cola. Yeah. Yeah. You were just drinking a glass bottle Coke and exclaiming over how delicious it was, Andrew. But that's because I don't drink a ton of soda, y'all. He's so fancy. I'm drinking it now.

I have a rum and Coke here, which seems transgressive. It's an evening. We're recording in the evening. It's an evening podcast with an evening feel to it. This is really chill. This is really chill. Panda Express is so fucking good. The walnut shrimp, it's one of those you got to pay like $1.25 extra.

Oh, yeah. The shrimp is extra, yeah. But it's worth it. I think so. It's worth it. I've had, there's times when I've had like, from like middle,

you know those like middle range Chinese food restaurants that are here? Yeah, yeah. Like Palace used to be one of those in LA. Yeah. Where it was pretty good

but not like blow your socks off good. There were times when I would rather have Panda Express than that. Oh, for sure. Because you can get like a whole meal for less than like one of their entrees would cost.

Yeah. And I think the palace was grody. It was kind of grody, right? Yeah. Which is kind of part of its appeal. Yes. And that's fine. But I think if you're just talking about the way something tastes, Panda Express beats

a lot of shitty Chinese restaurants. It's so good. If Panda Express, it's one of those things where if you opened up like a pop-up restaurant and you didn't call it Panda Express, you know, you just served people like Panda Express. Yeah. People would be so stoked about it. But I think that's what that test kitchen is all about, right? I've seen one Instagram from the test kitchen where they made like a burrito out of a scallion pancake and just filled it with Chinese food.

Yeah. Or with small Chinese food and it looked like the best thing. I'm going to go in there and see if they'll let me sit in a bathtub full of the like the beijing beef and broccoli oh i bet they just me later then and then they just dump it on top of me we take pictures like david lost chapelle and tupac my new promo picture yes it is yeah that's such a good idea that's how i'm living for the next year year and a half yeah i just think i think you you've been you've been going hard on this uh trying to get free shit uh because you're an emmy nominee i think you got to hit up panda express home express might hook me up so i but i wonder if pfj so for the listeners yeah you went oh you

picked a side i got nominated for an emmy and i immediately changed my twitter name to emmy nominated yeah and i changed my twitter picture to an Emmy. And I started hitting up businesses, but only three of them. I hit up Lids and asked them for a throwback Florida Marlins bucket hat as a congratulations. And they're sending me something. I don't know what it is. I asked P.F. Chang's for some chicken. They gave me a $50 gift card. And then I asked Sears for one tire.

No reply. Fuck you. Sears is on the blacklist. you sears fuck you roebuck yeah you're not getting out of this just because they dropped your name off of it fuck both y'all fuck lee jeans i assume is where most people buy their lee jeans is it sears fuck like like that row of just dryers yeah fuck that row fuck the kardashians clothing brand uh-huh the mid the mid range one that they do there uh-huh uh uh fuck a slight like a slightly irregular skiing glove i feel like you could get that at sears is van hoisen yeah maybe not but let's say it is fuck them too

yeah yeah that might be macy's like just in-house design line. Van Heusen. It might be. Either way, we're wilding out. Like a silk shirt. Panda Express is the perfect anchor restaurant for it. And I'm extremely jealous. And honestly, I'm kind of shook.

Of course you picked it first. Yeah, of course. It's the best option. It's now my turn to pick. I'm taking it off my list. All right. Just because I feel like I have to have an anchor, I'm going to go with Sparrows.

Okay. Sparrows Italian cuisine. Classic choice. I usually, full disclosure, I usually go to Panda Express when I'm at the mall. But if I have to go to a second place, if I'm not feeling it, if I had it for breakfast and I don't want it for lunch.

That's the wrong move, Ian. What's that? Just not getting it two times in one day. Two times in one day. Yeah. Well, you can testify that. The second was really good. See, I think if you go twice in a day, that second time, it'll open up your horizons as

to what you might actually get. Right. Right? Because you go with all, like you said, Catherine. Can I just give you 100% full disclosure? Yeah. I got exactly the same thing. No, you did it wrong.

I felt really good about it. I mean, okay, if you felt good about it. But I will say that Panda Express was the restaurant that introduced me to the fact that potatoes can be in Chinese food. And their chicken potato dish is real good. I've never had that.

Yeah, just like chunks of potato and chicken in a sweet sauce, obviously. And it's real good. I've never had that. Yeah. Just like chunks of potato and chicken in a sweet sauce, obviously. Yeah. And it's really good. Are there potatoes present in most Chinese cuisine in China? There's some. Like Northwestern. Oh.

Yeah. And it's a big country. Facts. Yeah. I'm so fun. Catherine got facts. Facts are fun. I will repeat it as many times.

Saying facts are fun isn't fun, but facts are fun. It does sound a little bit like you could recreate that just with like a McDonald's chicken McNuggets meal. Just take the fries, put it all together. Just mix it all together and shove it in your face. We should try to make foods from one restaurant with the foods from another restaurant. I like it. Food Network would buy that shit in a second. They would buy that in a second.

Like sponsored by Cisco brand. Yeah. We make all this stuff anyway. Identical food product. Yeah. Trying to go to Dairy Queen and make like a Quizno sandwich somehow. Oh. I just think you could do it.

They have Texas toast there, so they've already got toast things going. They do have Texas toast. Dairy Queen has great food. Dairy Queen's hot eats. Some of the hot eats they do are delicious. Really? I'm only there for the cool treats. You're a cool treat person? Yeah. I love a cool treat.

Specifically, weirdly, a Dilly Bar from back in the day. I used to love Dilly Bar. No, a Dilly Bar. There's no way to describe what ian just pantomimed but he just he held up a wooden stick yeah yeah it was holding up a stick and looked at it so long i think i whispered rosebud was that just in my head uh it's it was like an ice cream thing in a candy coating uh-huh uh on a stick and you get cherry chocolate or butterscotch yes and your boy fucked with butterscotch back in the day yeah remember when butterscotch was a topic i feel like it's a lot

more rare now nobody fucks with butterscotch anymore yeah those were the clinton years though you know oh yeah yeah it's illegal now okay Okay, can I ask a real quick question? Catherine, what is butterscotch? How's it different from caramel? Oh, boy. You're putting it on the spot here. Is it just that it's... More butter?

There's more... Yeah, I think it is that there's butter in with the brown sugar. All right. I hope I'm not wrong. It doesn't matter. It's not like we're recording this. Oh, that's right. Okay, I feel better.

Good, good, good, good. This is just a warm-up set. Listen, if anybody disagree with Catherine about butterscotch, shut up and don't say anything. Oh, thank you so much. You're welcome, yeah. That is so nice of you. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Actually, tweet me and just secretly let me know.

Definitely tell Andrew. Secretly let me know. If you want to CC me on that too, that's cool. Don't encourage internet bullying, Andrew. My whole gig is internet bullying. Speaking of bullying, I'm probably getting a bullet for this Sparrows pick because it's not good Italian food.

What do you get at Sparrows? Pizza. Pizza? Just the pizza? You can get pizza, you can get sort of a garlic knot situation. They'll fuck up a calzone every now and then. It's just basically slight variations on dough, melted cheese, and real salty cooked meat. Yeah. Yeah. And they do, like, you know, pizza.

It's not the best pizza you're going to have. Maybe it's not the worst pizza. It's probably not the worst pizza either. I'll do a Sicilian one. They'll do some shit where there's like two layers of dough. And then inside the middle it's like a calzone pizza hybrid. You know when like a tiger

and a lion have sex and they get blood? Yeah. It's like that but with a calzone and pizza. And then there's like stuff inside of it. It's sort of like

a half Chicago style pizza. It's like you made a sandwich out of two pieces of pizza. That's 100% what's going on there. And you get it in that triangle shapedshaped box, which is fun packaging. Can you buy a whole pizza from Sparrows? I don't know. Do you think they would give it to you in 15 of those individual little boxes?

Right, maybe. That'd be fun to show up with a Better Pizza Places box. You're like, oh, Ian got pizza. Then you whip it open like, fuck y'all. And then you start whipping cardboard boxes of people. Doesn't it feel like secretly they're actually just extruded in slices already

and you can't actually, they don't actually make a whole pizza. Yeah, right. They're making individual slices in the back. Would not surprise me. That's just how it grows in the pan or whatever. Is this true of mall food courts? This is just a slight diversion. Don't a lot of them share employees?

Like if you work at a mall food court, I think you don't work at like Sparrow's. You just work for the food court. You work for the food court and it's like sometimes you have Sparrow's duty and sometimes you have like Panda Express duty. I don't know. That seems like that would be real hard. I don't know if it's true of every restaurant, but i think there are restaurants in a food court that share employees maybe it's like the one-offs the independent ones maybe that is the chair employees oh i was gonna say the opposite i was gonna i was gonna say it it feels like it could be one of those like um like taco bell kfc

situation yeah yeah but if there's like a corporation or whatever yeah aren't they german or something aren't they on my pepsi co are they the nazi the nazi no i don't know oh the nazi that's what the internet loves to do is to tell you things were owned by the nazis what you know they were invented by the nazis yeah dilly bars you know well we're invented to lure jews into caves i mean look if you're gonna like not fucking just because a Nazi invented it. It's hardly anything. You can't do heroin. Right?

Yeah. Here's my take on that. The Nazis are gone. Sort of. They're back in a big way. Let's go. The Nazi government. But at least we still have Fanta. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Let me just take that. You know? Yeah. It's kind of a consolation prize. It's like, sorry about the genocide. Take the good with the bad. Here's like an orange soda rock and rye yeah evens out uh you can get a stromboli at sparrows oh i remember stromboli how does it stromboli different than a calzone don't question

it it was a fun whoa struggle kind of a longer almost like a breadstick that's stuffed with delicious just dimensions yeah it's a dimension no you're right it's a breadstick stuffed with delicious stuff. Just dimensions. Yeah, it's a dimension. No, you're right. It's more breadstick. It's breadstickier. It's like breadstick on steroids. Yeah. Okay.

With stuff in it. It's going to have a little more give to it than a calzone, which is sort of a more firmer, sort of a sheetrock sort of. Again, this is one of the episodes where we're going to wish it was, y'all wish it was a video podcast.

Flexed, less and firmer. What are you doing to describe? I flexed like a really fit 72 year old though where my arms were kind of bent your grandpa still got some moves in him like one of those one of those flexes not so bad for an old man i'm looking at sparrows menu right now you can also get a garden salad there god help me if i'm ever at a point in my life when I'm getting a salad from Sparrow's. I always, I, not always, but I, lately, I think I might have even said this last time I was on. I'm on this kick where I'm trying to eat at least one thing a day that's not total garbage.

That's a good call. But I end up doing shit like getting the salad at Sparrow's. See? You know what I mean? Yeah. Which is always a nightmare. Well, that's what happens when you live your life by the seat of your pants,

you know? Yeah. If you're like, it's the end of the day, you're like, this might be the last thing I eat. This is it. I haven't had salad yet.

This is it. I'm at a fucking Sparrow's. Are there any other words in the English language that go S-B anything? I don't even know if Sparrow's is in the English language. Yeah.

Does it mean something? Real made up. Sbarro. Sbarro. Sbarro is is in the English language. Yeah. Does it mean something? Real made up. Sbarro. Sbarro. Sbarro is Italian for settling. You almost got me. If you could hear my inner monologue, I thought, really? So they knew.

It's like the Evian naive thing. But yeah, it's good in a pinch. When you're in the mood for a piece of pizza, you're at the mall, maybe it's goddamn the holidays, you know? And you've just been like slaving away in a Nordstrom's for two and a half hours trying to figure out what to get your stepdad.

And there was a grease fire at Panda Express. And there was a grease fire at Panda. Maybe the line at Panda Express is so long that it goes back to the nordstrom's you're like is this the line for the cash register like this is for panda express right i guess i'm going to sparrows jesus yeah it's a good second option wow we really are so boofed on this draft yeah like the first pick really fucked us oh it fucked me up that was lebron james it's hard to pick second yeah even even in a draft with other good players uh andrew so i picked

sabaro andrew it is time for your first pick oh man i you know what i did exactly the thing for my list that i was i kept telling myself i wasn't gonna do which is try to get too cute yep you know because i the the whole thing with the show is don't be fucking cute. Although some people get by on being cute. A lot of people get... David Borey, cute as fuck. Yeah, but... Crazy, though. Yeah, he's crazy.

I'm just going to go with hot dog on a stick. Yo! I'll just make a Borey. That's not too cute. No, that wasn't. I actually had written down... Those hats are cute. ...a generic place to get corn dogs, but that's...

Oh, yeah. That's too much. Name and claim it, baby. Hot dog on a stick. Hot dog on a stick. I'm actually a little pissed that you got this one. You thought it was going to come back around to you? Well, it's kind of a wild card.

I love corn dogs. Okay. I love corn dogs too. So much. Okay. I just got the food writer stare, which is- No, no, no, no. It hurts a little.

I looked at the menu for hot dog on a stick prior to coming here, and they just are trash buckets. Yeah. They just serve the most horrifying things. Well, they'll just fry up some cheese for you on a stick, right? Yeah, they call it cheese on a stick, and it's like a gigantor mozzarella stick on a wooden stick. Truth in advertising, finally. Yeah. Yeah.

They must have to freeze most of that shit and then batter it. Yeah, totally. And then put it in the hot ass grease. Yeah, and chemical it up. First you roll it in chemicals and then the corn dog. Oh, man. So I'm not like a big, again, I only went for it for corn dogs. Sure.

Corn dogs is one of my favorite foods. I think mostly because I used to, when I lived in New York, I would only get corn dogs when I was at Penn Station. Okay. The grossest corn dogs on earth. But I was like, this is my treat before I go do something like weird,

like in my 20s thing, like go to the Jersey Shore or like go to someone's parents house for the weekend or something. So it has a really good memory for me but i don't know hot dog on a stick biting into a corn dog tastes like uh the recklessness of your adolescence yeah it really it tastes like being so hung over you have to like be you have to find like a train to new jersey or pennsylvania or something yeah it tasted like that moment before you realize it's like oh no i don't like doing things yeah yeah oh i should and then and then you're like i guess i could get a beer on the new jersey transit

which is a fucking nightmare i mean i love drinking while traveling oh that's one of my favorite things you get all dehydrated i'm with it though, though. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'm not on a train that often, but drinking on an airplane? Ugh. Oh, my God. It's roof-stoof. I flew to London recently. Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I got a little bit drunk and took a Xanax and then watched Wolverine. Oh, hell yeah. And then woke up feeling totally fine the next day. Really? Yeah. Last time I went to London, my friend who I was traveling with, her mom was a flight attendant or something. I don't remember.

I don't know the exact details of how this worked. But we got bumped to first class. Hell yeah. And there was no more doesn't belong here poor person-ness in me than trying to stay up all night on a red-eye so I could not stop, so I could consume everything possible. Free drinks and free food? Yeah.

I'm still in that mindset. It was insane. They had to fly us a business class because it was a Writer's Guild thing. It was ready for a TV show, so they had to. Yeah. And I'm just up there.

They're like, do you care for some port? And I'm like, I don't like port, but I'm like, yeah, give me the port. Of course I want port. I'm up stashing sandwiches. They're like, do you care for some port? And I'm like, I don't like port. But I'm like, yeah, give me the port. Of course I want port. I'm up stashing sandwiches.

They're not going to take them at customs anyway. I had two full Toblerones. It was just like, they were like, do you want a Toblerone? Like, uh-huh. And then back up the other side of first class, they're like, do you want another Toblerone? I was like, yeah. Yeah, fuck that. Or a Toblerone and champagne for my my

second course please thank you my teeth were like melting in my head it was insane Toblerone and champagne I feel like you just described like the perfect birthday party yeah or the perfect like proposal or something like that it was very it was very like British and and we were like delayed on the tarmac and so the like nice British flight attendant kept on being like you know here you go dove and then just giving me shit do they pronounce Toblerone all weird I feel like that's a word that British people might fuck up

like Toblerone they probably say Toblerone a Toblerone care for a Toblerone a Toblerone fuck you England alright a Toblerone. A Toblerone. Fuck you, England. All right.

Now, we have fun listeners in England. You know I love you. Hot dog on a stick. What about the lemonade? Lemonade. Again, I'm only there for the corn dogs. Yeah. I'm only there for the corn dogs. Do you think that hot dog on a stick corn dogs are better than any other corn dog?

No, I think all corn dogs are exactly the same. But since I'm going for it, I'm taking the name brand. I've never had the corn dog where I was like, now that's the corn dog. I like corn dogs, but yeah, I'm kind of with you. Actually. I feel like I just have. Go ahead. There's a fucking place kind of around here that has fancy boy corn dog.

Really? Yeah. Is it called fancy boy corn dog i have a little by a little british slate of lord corn boy yeah um no uh it's it's uh was it everson royce around the corner has like a nice like really fancy sausage and i'm I'm sure they make a corn batter that's really nice or whatever. And it's good. Interesante. It tastes exactly the same.

Have you guys had the Disney corn dogs? No. What? Oh, yeah. I had one recently after probably 20 years of never having a corn dog and thinking that corn dogs were gross. But I had the one at Disneyland and I was like, oh, I get it. Spectacular? Kind of, yeah. gross but i had the one at disneyland and i was like oh i get it spectacular kind of yeah like

the cornbread was actually cornbread yeah which is for me the most exciting part really so cornbread well yeah i don't like hot dogs but if you get enough cornbread around it then that's mostly what it tastes like with like extra salt i'm into that i kind of want to how do you go to disney you went to disneyland drive out Disneyland, drive out, party, drive back? I couldn't party too hard. Because you have to drive back. Yeah, but I wasn't going to go to Disney without going to Trader Sam's, which is the tiki bar there. Right.

So I had one drink. Whoa. And then I came back. I want to get a hotel at Disneyland. Yes. Because I haven't been since I was a youth. Yeah. And I want to go to Disneyland and get, not hammered, but hammered.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then just ride the rides, barf on a Danish kid. Okay. Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe I don't want to do that. Why don't you just get hammered at the end?

It's sick. I guess at the end. Yeah. I guess at the end. Yeah. Yeah, during. A friend of mine worked for an ABC property, which is under the Disney umbrella. Yeah.

But then when she got laid off, she was still on contract for like X, I don't know how long. Anyway, she went to Disneyland like every day for like 60 days. Wow. Wow. That feels like she should write an article about that. Yeah. You know? I think it's such an insane lifestyle. write an article about that. Yeah. You know? I think it's such an insane lifestyle.

Yeah, but if you go for free, you lose your goddamn mind, I think. Well, there's people who go in groups in matching outfits, or they have the same pins, and it's their whole vibe. I feel like it's kind of like the Daisy Duck Squad, which, by the way, Daisy Duck is the best of the main, the old school Disney characters. What is the Daisy Duck Squad? Like, they just, like, wear her colors and pins of Daisy Duck. And there's, like, different groups for every character. And they just love Daisy Duck. They're Daisy Duck stans. Yeah, exactly.

They're a gang. Yeah. They're recognized by the U.S. government as a gang. That's right. Like the Juggalos. But they're allowed to exist because they give directions to foreigners at the parks. Really? And are they let in for free?

No. Oh, no. I don't think so. So they pay to give directions to foreigners. So many people buy annual passes, which is bonkers. Oh, right. You can just get an... Oh, so working for Disney is not the only way to get a thing we can go every day.

Cheaper way. Oh, I see. I do not sit here in judgment of Disney adults. Okay. But it is something I don't fully understand. I'm with you on that. You know what I mean? They're usually married and they're real into Disney.

Okay, because I am a woman in America, I've definitely looked at the different Disney wedding dresses. Well, sure. And definitely picked out which one I would buy. Which one would you buy? Sleeping Beauty. She's my princess. I love her. She's got such great hair.

That is a beautiful dress she wears. No, no, no. They design new dresses every year. Really? And it's themed by princess. So every year there's a new Ariel dress, a new Jasmine dress. Yes. Do they incorporate their colors from the dresses they wear in the movies?

Or is it just inspired by? It's mostly inspired by. Yeah, like a movie soundtrack? Yeah, like all the Jasmine ones will look sort of like vaguely Middle Eastern kind of thing. But getting married at a Disney park, to each their own, but I don't know. Yeah, not even the people who get married there,

but the people who like once a year they go on a trip to Disneyland, and it's, again, no judgment. Right. I just can't get my brain there. I might judge people who like once a year they go on a trip to disneyland and it's again no judgment right i just can't get my brain there i might judge people who honeymoon there because i feel like going on what is supposed to be the most fuck fuck fest vacation of your life and then like add a place for children yeah that is there is something weird to that oh yeah okay but i'm dirty minded right i mean it's a's just like... Just kidding. You know when you leave a hotel after you've had a decent amount of sex, and you're just kind of like, you're walking around like, oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if they were kids immediately? That's weird. That is a little bit of a weird vibe. Totally. Yeah. But there are places in Disneyland for adults, right? There's like that California Adventure, isn't that? There's like a secret club.

That's not an adult. Yeah. Oh, there's just that club. But that's a secret. Right. You know what? It probably is a swingers club. It might be a swingers club.

Yeah. Club 69 or whatever. Yeah, that's what it is. Oh, they took out a lot of the rape shit from Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah. Was that part of Pirates of the Caribbean? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow.

There was like a woman auction. Really? That they took out this year. Yep. Oh, my God. Yep. And it sounds like a joke auction really they took out this year yeah oh my god yep and i it sounds like a joke but i will say the first time i went to disneyland was like i was four years old yeah scarred me i still remember i would get that yeah uh-huh it didn't even it didn't register with me such as my privilege yes they replaced the woman auction here with

elizabeth warren Isn't that nice? Just fucking filibustering. God bless her. That's crazy that it took this long to take it out. There must have been people who were like, no, it's tradition.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. God. Filler on the roof, you know? Done more harm than good in my opinion, and I love it. Andrew,

your first pick was Hot Dog and Stick. I gotta go again. As it is a serpentine draft hell yeah all right here here is uh my question okay uh i'm just gonna i'm gonna try this one but if it's a no it's um the the westfield mall down in culver city has a five guys in. But I don't feel like that's a standard. Are there any other malls with a Five Guys in them? I don't know. I feel if the standard is two or more, I would say probably,

but I fully understand that it's not in the spirit of the... My thing would be, is it built into... Is it a counter that faces the court, or is it something that you have to enter this is a good question because there's a red robin at the gallery i do not remember yeah i i think i think it violates the spirit i think we're throwing a flag on five guys let's keep it let's the second time that's happened third third time podcast i kind of knew it violated the spirit of it we're going to add heavy cello music to this part of the podcast.

A rainforest cafe. Oh, rainforest. Wait. Is that not count? No. You're picking all these sit-down restaurants. All right. All right.

All right. What if airports are malls? Oh. Because I kind of think that airports have all become malls. Right. They are kind of malls. Rainforest cafes are still in airports, and they never have full walls. I'm trying to help Andrew out here.

I feel really bad for him. I'll just take Orange Julius. Oh, damn it. I should have let you get him. Oh, God. Fuck. That's a second stop after I have my corn dog, and I'm like, I don't know. I don't think the lemonade seems too sweet.

What I need is an inexplicable blend of... Is it non-dairy? I think it is. Well, it's half orange and it's half Julius. Yeah. Julius is vanilla cream type. Isn't it vanilla-y? It's vanilla-y.

It might not have any real dairy in it. I think it doesn't have real dairy in it. Yeah. Yeah. I think they are non-dairy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. I'll tell you what they are.

It's good as fuck. Yeah. Orange Julius, baby. I love Orange Julius so much. And I'm real mad have real dairy in it. Yeah. I think they aren't on dairy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what they are. It's good as fuck. Yeah, Orange Julie. I love Orange Julie so much, and I'm real mad at you for taking it. I know. This draft is like a real bloodbath. Well, that's why I think we don't allow five guys in the workforce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's so few options.

This might be one of the few drafts where we're all kind of backed into a corner. We are backed into a corner. We might have to just to make the team pick something we actively don't like. Ooh. Sometimes that happens, man. Orange Julius, the drink grew out of an orange juice stand opened in Los Angeles in 1926 by Julius Fried.

Sales were modest. Orange juice? Fried's real estate broker developed a mixture that made the acidic orange juice less bothersome to his stomach. And then they started selling that, which was a frothier, creamier texture. And then it became the Orange Julius we know today. Because it bothered someone's tongue?

Yeah. I bet you that the first one was just half orange juice, half milk. Probably. It probably was. Disgusting beginnings. Delicious treat now. I mean, it's like just shy of ricotta, right? Oh, gross.

Oh, I'm going to vomit. Like that's, oh my God. Oh, it was the official drink of the 1964 New York World's Fair. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I love Orange Julius. I fuck with it.

It's weirdly good. It's maybe my favorite dessert drink. Narrowly beating out. Pint of port? Yeah, port. Oh, a fancy restaurant started doing an alcoholic Julius. Oh, fuck with that in a heavy way. Okay.

Wow, we really have, we inadvertently are starting to draft a fake ass fancy restaurant. Yeah. Just do fancy version. Spicy salad, fancy bar corn dogs, and Orange Julius. Orange Julius is owned by Berkshire Hathaway, Warren Buffett's company.

Oh, fuck yeah. All right. So that's good. He sees the vision. He's okay. He sees the vision. He fucks with it.

Is he the best billionaire? I guess so. Yeah, he's the best billionaire. Bill Gates is vision. He fucks with it. Is he the best billionaire? Yeah, he's the best billionaire. Bill Gates is good. Oh, that's right. Bill Gates is a good billionaire. All right, fine. Didn't Orange Julie start opening up kiosks with Dairy Queen or some shit like that? It's something.

I don't need that in my life. No? No. Separately. I need these to be two different institutions. No, yeah, that's true. I understand that it's hard to stay competitive in a mall environment these days. What with the millennials?

Ugh, they're the worst. They're ruining everything. They won't eat at chain restaurants. They're killing chain restaurants. Do you know what's weird is ever since that has become a think piece trend, that has coincided 100% with me eating at so much more fast food and chain restaurants. Me too. Is it because you guys are just reminded that these places

fucking chili I am technically a millennial. I'm an older millennial, but like All these things that they say Millennials are killing I fuck with heavy I saw one where the millennials are killing beer I'm like are we? Which ones of us cuz me and all my friends drink so much. Yeah Are we? Which ones of us? Because me and all my friends drink so much beer.

I guess we're just at a media environment where every think piece just needs to exist. Yeah. I guess that's true. But also- They're like, we're killing malls. I love going to the mall. I shop the mall and I do mall walks like I'm an 81-year-old mourning the death of my husband. Do you like an outdoor mall or are you classic indoor? I love, I prefer an indoor mall.

Okay. Yay. Okay. Retro. Yeah. Retro. I'll still go to the, I'll still go to the outdoor malls. My ideal experience is the Glendale Two-Step where you start at the Galleria and then you

go to the Americana. Yeah. You upgrade. You upgrade for a minute. You go see the fountain. You listen to what is absolutely a Michael Buble song. And then you take yourself back

to the gallery. Back to the Galleria. For anyone who's not from LA. Oh, yeah. Two malls that face each other in Glendale. It's fucking perfect. And I live like a mile from it. And they're really like the two,

it's like one like stereotypical Southern California mall. Yeah. And one stereotypical rest of America mall. Yes. So that like LA has these weird, that were designed by like one of the people who helped design like Disney World. One of those guys designed the Grove.

Rick Caruso did? Right? Well, I don't remember. it looks just like the grove the grove is the same company same company yeah and i think somebody who's involved in disney design okay that makes sense because it's supposed to look like vaguely european yeah yeah yeah and you're like it's it feels like an italian villa there's a fountain and then there's a forever 21 i i fully they have a fancy pie place in the Galleria, and I fully snuck one piece of pie per person in the group

to watch Baby Driver the other day. Nice. And it was too much. It's hard to eat a pie, actually, and keep your eye on the screen. I can see that. Got a little cheesecake on my shirt. They have chicken tenders at that theater now, too. Yeah.

Oh, God. Which is kind of good. Movie theaters are doing all right they can get a hot dog there and i know you don't care for them but a piece of trash like myself will eat a hot dog at a movie theater i just said i got chicken tenders i'm not here to judge that's true okay yeah we're all corn dogs corn dog movie okay we're we're we're shadow drafting we are we are okay uh orange julius it's an excellent pick they won't say what's in there julius i tried looking it up just secret it's people it's amazing definitely people yeah yeah there's you don't

see a lot of julius's around these days don't not enough fucking reason not enough but one more sidebar is that my favorite basketball player name it still is a famous one but dr dr j julius irving just because of how much dr julius irving sounds like a jewish podiatrist he's one of the most amazing athletes in the history of the nba but it's just like if i if i was like which one of these people is dr julius irving yeah yeah it'd be like it's definitely that guy who looks like judd hirsch yeah yeah yeah the guy that looks like he was born with a stethoscope. Yeah, exactly. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35.

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Okay, Orange Julie's, excellent pick. Thank you. And it's time for my second pick. Man, this is a fucking bloodbath. This is a bloodbath. All right, I'm going to take... Now, these restaurants go by many names in different malls. We're in the categories.

I'm going to call it some Greek place. Yeah. In Oregon, it was Gyro Express. Yeah. But yeah, it's just the place in the mall where you get the gyro. Yeah. And hopefully somewhere in the food cart kiosk thing or whatever we want to call it, they have that weird picture of that Greek woman holding a gyro from the 80s.

What is that? Have they never taken another picture of that greek woman holding a euro from the 80s what is that have they never taken another picture of a person with a euro is that the queen of greece who is that woman she's a classic she's a classic she's just like look at me yeah holding a euro smiling the way we all feel when we're holding that's actually helen of troy oh is that helen of yeah that makes you read about her but yeah, she's very nice looking. She's very suburban dads are attracted to her. Yeah. Always got dark hair.

Oh, yeah. Always dark hair. Yeah. Actually, I feel like a lot of those posters are so old. She kind of actually has like blue green, like the poster's almost white hair. She does. Yeah, she does have green hair now. But then you look at it now and you can do like a throwback masturbation session.

Yeah. Tadziki, we call that. I went full Tadziki the other night. Ay, yum. Where were we? Yes. I was thinking about the Greek lady. I love a Greek lady.

Do you think there's like some weird scandal where it turns out she's not actually Greek? That would fuck everything up. I bet. Lithuanian or something like that. It feels like there's some weird scandal where it turns out she's not actually Greek? That would fuck everything up. I bet. Lithuanian or something like that. It feels like there's a chance. Maybe that's why they've never made another poster. They're afraid to get burnt again. Yeah.

Or they just don't want to draw attention. Yeah. They're just like, if we make another one, they'll be like, what about the old one? Yeah. Like, oh, she was Lithuanian. Yeah. It's the biggest scandal. Yeah.

Biggest scandal in Greece, I think. In Greece? In Greeceian history. I don't think anything else has happened there. No. Mm-mm. Yeah. Biggest scandal in Greece, I think. In Greece? In Greeceian history. I don't think anything else has happened there. Mm-mm. Yeah. 100%.

The fries are usually pretty good. Big old steak fries. Big fucking steak. Always seasoned. Or not steak fries. Always heavily seasoned. Yeah. There was a place, it was not in a mall, but called the Mad Greek Deli back in Portland.

There still is one, but it's not the original. And if you ordered Greek fries fries they were like a dollar 99 but if you ordered jojo's or french fries or steak fry or anything else they were like two dollars more yeah what is jojo's jojo's is another name for a type of fry this is a regional dialect am i getting pacific northwested what the fuck are you guys doing you guys have jojo's um well i mostly know of them from shakies. The fuck is a JoJo's? Oh, wait. No, those are Mojo potatoes, aren't they?

Yeah, easy. But I know what JoJo's are. JoJo's. They're the wedge taters. Yeah. Oh. Always highly seasoned, too, right? It's your classic highly seasoned wedge tater.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess I would have thought wedge fries. No. All right. JoJo's. JoJo's. Yeah.

Maybe after Casey and JoJo, the R&B band. Oh, yeah. I just love... Oh, yeah. I just love... Oh, man. I was drunk the other night. I don't drink as much as it sounds like I do. Sure. Where was I?

But those are where the stories are from. They are. I was in Portland. Yeah. Wow. And I was drunk walking home. It had been a great night. And then there were food carts that were open downtown.

And I was walking by just feeling very much like a princess. Like, no, no, no, no. I don't want a piece of pizza. No, I don't want a burrito. And then I walked past a Euro one and I saw that woman and I was like, it's the perfect food for right now. And I bought two of them. Yeah. Hell yeah.

And on Hotels Tonight, I'm not boozing you, but on Hotels Tonight, I got like a room at the nicest hotel in portland this place called the nines sure and i just sat on my like probably like like five thousand dollar bed yeah just dripping tzatziki sauce like onto the sheets like hammer just like so happy god that sounds so good so that's the and i just love i just love a euro i it's yeah yeah it's the best food let me throw this out there too i think the uh any any food mall food courts some greek place is your best bet for getting the slightly nicer thing yes it's like if you're gonna get rice besides pan express but like if you're not getting like the because usually you just get the cheapest thing that they sell the most of. Right. That's the one place where maybe you could get the nicer thing.

In a Greek place, you might get like a tarn plate or something like that. And the rice, it's going to be like a little bit yellow. And you're like, what's that yellow? Yeah. It's really good. Yeah. That's true. Mostly MSG, I believe.

Certainly more vegetables at a Greek place than any other option. Yeah. That's the health dog. Unless you do the steamed veggies option again at Panda Express, which you won the draft by picking first. I know, I totally did. It's weirdly anticlimactic to just get styled on in the first five seconds. I know. Sorry, guys.

You just got dunked on so hard. I just really wanted to win. Yeah, you're here to win. Yeah, I don't fuck around. So I love a Euro place at the mall. You can get something that you're going to eat with a fork and a knife, which is nice. You can get something a little fancier. Or you can get the Euro and then walk around a baby gap and gesture at the clothing with the Euro.

Like, how much are these rompers? Point with it. Yeah, spitting kind of like Euro all over the place. Maybe spreading some hummus when you point too close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you just articulate wildly. What is that? Yeah. Oh, man. Look-huh. Yeah. Maybe spreading some hummus when you point too close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you just articulate wildly. What is that? Yeah.

Oh, man. Look at all them hats, you know, and then there's hummus flying everywhere. Oh, that's small. Oh, what a small hat. Oh, you could do

a whole joke where you put the hero in a romper. Oh, yeah. It's cute. It's my baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good times.

It's my little baby. Everyone likes it. My baby. People in the gap are like, ah. It's this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my baby. Good times. It's my little baby. Everyone likes it. My baby. The people in the cab are like, ah. It's this guy again. This fucking guy comes in every day. Every goddamn day. But he always buys like $200 worth of baby clothes.

Every day he buys $200 worth of baby clothes. Who is this guy? I just returned it in a different baby gown. So that's my second pick. Catherine. Yeah. It's time for your second pick, building on the wild success of Panda Express. Well, we haven't done an official dessert-y type place. I'm going to go Cinnabon.

I can't ride with you on this one. What? I can't do it. I can't fuck with Cinnabon anymore. What happened? What do you mean, anymore? There was a good time in my life when I could eat a Cinnabon and that time is far in the rearview mirror. It just that it ends my if I eat a Cinnabon now, I don't mean to rain on your parade.

But if I eat a Cinnabon now, that's my day is over. That's it. All I can do is watch documentaries. Isn't that kind of the point of stuff like that? But if I'm like two o'clock at the mall and I'm like, ooh, it's Saturday. Maybe tonight I'm going to go out, have some loose cocktails, sing a karaoke song. I think I look at it differently. Like if I'm getting a Cinnabon, I know I'm done for.

That's the whole point. It's like a pop and a Vicodin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like having a chill weekend. Let's get a Cinnabon. A fucking Cinnabon. Yeah. That's the I'm going down for the night.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just can't ever pinpoint the time. And the other thing is, you're going to have to eat a Cinnabon around people, people watching you. Do you knife and fork it? You can knife and fork it.

I mean, don't they give it to you on a plate, not in a bag? It's in a little clamshell, if I recall my last. And they have knives and forks there that you can use if you want. And you make a talk like,

yum. That is what you do. Yum. The weird thing about cinnamon rolls though is that the center of a cinnamon roll is exponentially better than the exterior it's so much better it's like an artichoke heart

so it's almost like do you start at the outside and build up to what you know is going to be the best bite or do you just say fuck it to the outside layers peel those off on the odd occasions when I will still fuck with a cinnamon bun yeah i'll just go all i won't start in the very middle but i'll start maybe like three rows back i treat the outside of it like a banana peel yeah what the fuck with it like the inner sanctums that's the thing that protects the inside good part if cinnabon is hell i just want the

murderers yeah yeah you know what i mean those circles just want the murderers and the dick-takers. You know what I mean? That's the fun part. Those circles. For sure. And the traitors. And the traitors. Yeah, yeah, the traitors. There's one deep circle of hell that doesn't sound that bad. There was one of them, yeah, where it was like, wait a minute.

I feel like raping people is worse than that. The money changers. Yeah. Bankers? Yeah. What kind of day will you get a cinnabon cinnabon on um probably if you tried to go shopping and couldn't fit into anything you thought was cute it's like well fuck it oh it's a fuck it day yeah i think it's a fuck it day especially because they will without judgment give you extra frosting if you ask for it

so that's like a given up type situation. Alright, now you've won me over. That is a good time. Do you guys eat your cinnamon rolls as it goes? Like you peel the layers off? As in, here's the thing that I do that I think annoys some people

which is just take a bite out of it. Like out of the middle or something? Pick the whole thing up like a donut and just take a fork out. You. Like out of the middle or something? Multiple, like pick the whole thing up like a donut and just take a fork out. You're wrong. That's what I'm saying. I'm fine with that. How do you eat it?

You got to kind of, it's fun to eat it in a spiral, I guess. Like if you are going to eat the outside part of it, eat it in a spiral. Have a little fun. Have a sense of whimsy. Yeah. I feel like I do. Work your way in.

Yeah. Like Hansel and gretel falling a little bit yeah yeah well so andrew and i were at this food festival thing here in la smorgasburg a couple weekends ago i've heard about this place and we were waiting in line behind this family with three kids and the littlest kid had a donut chocolate frosted donut oh my god right and he had it flat in his two hands and he was coming at it from the top and only biting off the top. So it was just all frosting all the time. It was so intense.

And his dad at one point tried to like teach him how to eat a donut and like rearrange it in his hands so it was vertical and the kid looked at him like, what?

Put it back flat on his hands, continued eating just the frosted part. Did he eventually throw away the unfrosted part? He only wanted the good stuff. Top of the muffin to you. He was the cutest

kid that's very cute yeah and i didn't need a whole donut you might as well just eat the frosted part that's true you just want that sugar it was so funny it was just watching a kid with two palms full of just like wet crumbs and he was just like i'm doing this yeah he's living you know how like dame dash used to only wear like a pair of socks yeah clothes once yeah yeah yeah if i was like a mogul like that sweatpants every day yeah new sweatpants every day maybe i just be like just bring me a bunch of donuts i'm gonna eat the top of yeah and just throw the rest away just the center of the cinnamon roll just the center of the cinnamon oh man i feel like eating a cinnamon roll just like without regard to the layers is my one act of food terrorism and my other one is putting an entire fortune cookie into my mouth and just

chewing the whole thing. Fortune and all. Fortune and all. Yeah. I did that at my cousin's wedding and my mom like yelled at me so, so hard. She's like, Andrew,

you cannot do that. There's paper in there. There's paper in there. I was like, no, it's fine. And cause it was was it was weird my mom and i haven't got i haven't gotten yelled at like that by my mom since i was like 15 and smoked yeah like it was incredible what did you do that for you know what was in there

because i was just like i wonder what happens if i do this that's a good call you're a curious person and it was yeah it made my mom real mad and i have to say i i had to persevere through because once you actually get to the paper part because these were like nice like wedding ones yeah you know whatever they were fancy dessert covered in chocolate shit and i think they used like extra thick paper oh my god so it was a little bit of a struggle like card stock yeah and i just couldn't what are you gonna do once your mom's yelled at you, you can't stop. Yeah. Did you think there was magic in actually consuming the fortune?

I know there's magic in consuming the fortune. I feel like that is the only way it could come true. It's the only way it comes true, yeah. No, I was just like, I bet this will be funny. And then like three quarters of the way through, I was like, oh, this isn't funny anymore, but I can't back down. It's funny now. Yeah, it't funny anymore, but I can't back down. It's funny now. Yeah, it's funny now, but oh boy.

It was that last piece, that last chew through the paper with my molars was only a little bit. Oh yeah. It was real gross. Tearing. Anyway, those are my two acts of food terrorism. Those are good ones.

Thank you. I released sarin gas in a subway in Tokyo while eating a Chipotle burrito once. Oh yeah. So it was not so much the food, but it was terrorism. They still haven't caught me. Catherine, Cinnabon was your second pick. As it is a serpentine draft, it is also time for your third pick.

I'm going... I'm going Jamba Juice. Oh. You already had Julius. You don't get to complain about the Jamba Juice. Oh. You already had Julius. You don't get to complain about the Jamba Juice. Yeah, I wasn't sure if- Can I just say, on my list right now, I have four juice places. You need to indulge more, man.

Yeah, I didn't know it was too similar to Orange Julius, but I feel like it's different. Way different. Oh, it's significantly different. Talk us through this Jamba Juice pick. Okay, so I feel like if you're in a mall, there's a lot of a certain type of teenage girl who likes to go to a mall, which I think has a direct overlap with the type of girl who,

well, the basic Jamba Juice customer. Yes. Like who wants something brightly colored, who wants something that they can chew on the straw, oral fixation of the teenage years. And they're still dumb enough to believe that those boosts have actual like healing properties or fat burning properties. Or even the Jamba juice was good for you.

Yeah. Remember those days? Yeah. Right. When we didn't know about sugar. Those sweet, sweet days. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. God. I used to, I was like, I'm just going to get a Jamba juice today. That's all. 1,200 calories. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

They're so bad for you. So horrendously horrifying for you. But they are super good. You know, I only like them if you don't get a boost in them. Yeah. And they're always like, it's free. Get one. But then it tastes like powder.

Yeah. It tastes like powder. Yeah. Because somebody just literally just mixed vitamin C powder. Yeah. Yeah. And even didn't mix it that well. Right.

Yeah. Also mixed it with ice. That's not like a thing that you- Jamba Juice is like ice, some kind of concentrate, and then and then a blender right is that how they do a jamba juice or is it in a thing already real fruit and sometimes maybe it's just for show but they put some real but it's mostly ice a lot of ice right and then they have some sort of fake dairy yeah and then yeah yeah there's some kind of thickener in it. It's thicker than just fruit and ice. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

It's real good when you're sick now. Yeah. I like to get a Jamba Juice. Really? Post-mated. You love Postmates. I love Postmates. Shout out to Postmates. Last time I was sick, I drank an entire grocery store thing of grapefruit juice in my car.

After getting out of the grocery store, I was like, I'm so sick. Really? I just started drinking it and then it was like, it's gone. It was bad. I was probably real dehydrated. How's some grapefruit juice? That sounds ouchy for your insides. It's really acidic. It wasn't great.

Every time I drink grapefruit juice now, I'm like, why do I have so many cuts in my mouth? Where did I get those? I dare you to drink grapefruit juice now, I'm like, why do I have so many cuts in my mouth? Yeah. Where did I get those? Yeah. Yeah. Chewing glass, baby. I dare you to drink grapefruit juice and then eat some walnuts right after. What does that do?

Have you ever eaten just plain walnuts? It tears the shit out of my mouth. Oh, I don't fuck with walnuts. It's my least favorite nut. Okay. What? Yeah, I hate walnuts. No, I mean, they hurt, so just avoid them in general.

I'm going to go with- Cap'n Crunch, too. Brazil nuts is the worst nut. Brazil nuts? Yeah. It's the most racist nut Yeah it is They do taste like dirt

It's kind of like a big greasy But they'll fill you up It's a little diet trick Really? Oh really? Yeah cause they're so greasy you eat two and you're like What did I just eat? That's pretty true actually Shout out to Brazil nuts

And all Brazilian people. Oh, yeah. Shout out to all the Brazilians. The Brazilian listeners. Yeah. All one Brazilian of them. Yeah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Yay. Nominated for an Emmy this year. How could they not? Yeah. How could they not? Can they revoke it?

No, no, no, no. I checked before I said that. That's crazy. We got to bring that up in the next guild meeting yeah it should be brought up people like me should not be able to be nominated for these things um i love yeah i love jamba juice definitely like a teenage thing yeah and you know they have like off-menu creations which i think everyone does now right but they have like gummy bear yeah gummy bear flavored jamba juice now flavored Jamba Juice now. And it tastes like a gummy bear, right?

Yeah, just like even sweeter than the regular kind. As in like you just get the right combination of their powders. Yes. Because what is a gummy bear really? Just like xanthan gum and like red number five? Yeah, sugar water mostly. I think it must just be like hyper sweet. Sugar water.

Yeah, I don't know what it's in a gummy bear. I love gummy bears, though. I also love secret menu stuff. I love the idea of being, do you think the secret menu stuff came from people at like Jamba Juice's test kitchen or teenagers fucking around after they closed? Teenagers. Right? Yeah.

For sure. And then it just like spread? Yes. Yeah. It was like my friend Cody works at the. Yeah. John was used in Tannisborne. And he said that if you mix these flavors, it tastes like a fucking Jägermeister. Yeah.

The Redondo Beach Boys. Redondo. When I worked at a frozen yogurt slash Armenian sandwich place in high school one time because they just got an espresso machine and I was like, what happens if I make like a milkshake but only using seven espresso shots? Oh my god. Dog! It was crazy. Yeah! It was real bad for me. Have you slept

since? It was not easy, man. I like, I, because it was like the big jumbo thing and it must have been I don't know, 2,000 milligrams of caffeine? Like, it was insane. big jumbo thing and it must have been i don't know 2 000 milligrams of caffeine like it was insane it was bad everyone in the yeah we got wired i cleaned up the like cleaned up the place real quick you learned armenian you're not fluent in armenian from it yeah you wrote 10 000 letters to the turkish government government chocolate covered

strawberries a secret item fruity pebbles tropical awakening oh that's another thing some of the names of the drinks are real sexual yeah I remember that from

my Jamba Juice days right yeah Jamba Juice right it's just for tween girls who try to fuck something something bliss yeah yeah there's like a strawberry bliss right yeah cheesy yikes Jamba Juice, right. It's just for tween girls who are trying to fuck. There's one of them that's something bliss.

Yeah. Yeah, there's like a strawberry bliss, right? Yeah, I think so. Cheesy. Yikes. Super cheesy. I like it. I'm going to start going there now. Half Stella got her smooth back.

That's one of them. No. Oh, Caribbean Passion? That's the one. Caribbean Passion. Jesus Christ. Yes, Caribbean Passion. Oh, they have a That's the one. Caribbean Passion. Jesus Christ. Yes, Caribbean Passion. Oh, they have a chili mango smoothie now.

Shout out to Latin America's influence on American culture. Yeah. Not if I can help it. Really? You don't like spicy? Not if my president can help it. Oh, okay. I didn't vote for him, but you know.

Yeah, we got to respect him now. Respect the office. This podcast will hold up. It'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We respect him now. Yeah. Respect the office. This podcast will hold up. It'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be fine. Yeah. We're trying to be the conservative one.

Everybody else is going left. All fantasy everything took a hard right turn. Hard right turn. Yeah, yeah. Alt fantasy everything. Hell yeah. Okay. It is time for my third pick after the after the jamba juice pick

and dang it it is okay of i'm going to take wetzel's pretzel yes yeah that was actually my next pick yeah that's hard there are other pretzel places. None of them rhyme. That takes Annie's off the table, too. That's all the justification I need. Yeah. I love a Wetzel's.

I love a Wetzel's pretzel. Or an Annie's. I actually don't know the difference. I don't know the difference either. I'm sure there's some heads. I think Annie's skews sweeter. Yeah. Whereas Wetzel's goes more cheese-filled.

I'm a cheese-filled guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When it comes to pretzels. And if you go there, you can say you got Wetzel'd, which is filled I'm a cheese filled guy when it comes to pretzels and if you go there you can say you got Wetzeled which is delightful that is a fun thing to say I got Wetzed you can be like Denzel on training day

I didn't know you liked to get Wetzeled that should be their ad campaign Ethan Hawke and Denzel Washington in the front of a car oh shit I didn't know you liked to get Wetzeled and the guy doesn't realize he's eating a pretzel. I just thought. That's good.

That's cold. I thought it was a twisted breadstick. Yeah. Yeah. That is the best ad. I got. They have like these little pretzel bites that I love. Yeah.

Sometimes when you go. When you want to take a. They do a garlic butter on those? They do a garlic butter. Jesus. If you want to take yourself on a little constitutional on the Santa Monica boardwalk, you go up 3rd Street Promenade

and get a little, like, the mini pretzel bites and then just sort of pop them into your mouth. Do you like the kind that's got a Vienna sausage in them? Yeah, I'll eat that too. Is that a Vienna sausage? I don't know if it's on-brand Vienna sausage, but it's like a softy kind of... It's a mini wiener. Like a little, yeah. Yeah. One of those little, yeah, one of those little wieners. I don't know if it's on brand Vienna sausage. But it's like a softy kind of. It's a mini wiener. Like a little.

Yeah. Yeah. One of those little. Yeah. One of those little wieners. There ain't a single wiener wrapped in bread. A bread carb thing that I don't love. I prefer a pretzel wrapped hot dog to a corn dog.

Oh, fuck you dog. Yeah. A pretzel dog. Okay. No. Top of the food chain for me. Okay. I do love it.

Top of the food chain. Pretzel buns are my favorite do you remember briefly when wendy's had a pretzel bun yes yeah good god that was good was it holy shit yeah pretzel bread is well pretzels are good like real pretzels yeah and you can get them wrapped around a hot dog at wetzel's uh-huh and your boy does and their normal pretzels are good too. One thing I won't waste my time on is when they make like a pretzel that's just like covered in pizza stuff.

You know what I mean? It's like a pretzel, but it's got like pepperoni and a lot of melting. A pepperoni and a mozzarella. That's just doing too much for me. I'm like, let's get, you know, when I want pizza, I'll go to Sbarro's, which, you know i'd forget who picked but whoever did genius someone and uh and if i want a pretzel i'll go to wetzel's pretzels the two together it's like the two trying to try to

combine the two takes away from each of them enough for me that's kind of a hot take because mashups are so popular right now yeah girl talk quit music and got into a celebrity show and yeah mashups are really big but if i'm gonna have pizza i want pizza pretzel i want a pretzel i'll do the pretzel dog and shit like that but it's just like a it's a bit of a mess you fuck with both in one trip no not anymore i feel like maybe my halcyon days god i feel like i oh it was actually at at the food festival thing that Catherine and I went to. I really... It turns out I hadn't really thought about it in a while.

I really like going to a place that has too many choices and just getting a little bit of everything. That is nice. Yeah. Williamsburg is a little bit like that, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's again, fancy boy. I mean, it's an expensive version.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's again, fancy boy version of that. I mean, it's an expensive version. Yeah. But I'm saying, I would get like a pretzel and an orange Julius and just like a half orange chicken order. Oh. You can do half orange. No, I'm saying,

I would, whatever, or just eat half of it and chuck the rest. Oh, that. You're not chucking the rest. We're living, we're living. You know you're not chucking the rest. We're living in fantasy land.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because fantasy land is you throwing away any amount of orange chicken. Exactly. Never happened before. Taking an egg roll and using it as the spoon yeah like the way you could never get uh like like getting the rice plate at the giro place yeah you could never you can't get the spaghetti at sparrows they have spaghetti at sparrows but you can't get it i always want i'm always like could it possibly be good no there's no way i feel like if you order it somebody has to blow dust off of something

right okay oh where's the spaghetti here's the move dude is you get a egg roll from band express yeah you get the spaghetti from sparrows yeah you eat all the insides out of the egg roll you just chop the top of it yeah and then like a cigar you can take out your cigar cutter cut off the top hollow it out put the spaghetti in there spaghetti egg roll oh what's that life like we have okay we have legitimately made like a guy fieri style restaurant like secretly i think we've come up with some shit i think we have legitimately made like a guy fieri style restaurant like secretly i think we've come up with some shit i think we have might be kind of we should try to sell this podcast just to him before we release it yeah i mean you guys already stand for him right yeah oh thank you for bringing

that up so how did that yeah on the last podcast uh solomoniorgio, when we were picking things that are good, actually, picked Guy Fieri as the thing that's good, actually, because his show's fun. Apparently, he's very generous. I got a text from a friend and listener who shall remain nameless who said that he or she- Nice. Nice, nice, nice. That's called spycraft. Right?

What are you doing? he or she nice nice nice that's that's called spy crash right what you're doing had worked with guy fieri on a shoot and that like guy fieri couldn't have been a whacker dude like he was such a jerk was like mean to everyone around him like kind of a prick yelling at people mean to his crew like all this stuff so i don't know if if- I think I had heard that also. So apparently Guy Fieri, not good actually. But I think it's like if you're his boy, like being in Guy Fieri's entourage, great actually. Probably a flonterage. I already called it that. You know what I mean?

Ooh, that's good. Ooh, ooh, that's good. They will take the Emmy nomination away but it probably was being in his crew but apparently being in his television crew not good so just wanted to issue that correction oh shit yeah I'm issuing

one first time all fantasy everything correction wow yeah also apparently a listener brought up to me today that during the candy draft I talked shit about grape nuts and then in the candy draft, I talked shit about Grape Nuts. And then in the cereal draft, selected them, I think, first. I love Grape Nuts.

It was first. So let me just clear that up. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about in the candy draft. I love Grape Nuts. My friend in high school, who was like a weird, like one of those weird, like builds his own bike cycles, like 300 miles a day. I live in Seattleattle and i actually would make a snack that was grape nuts just enough milk to make them damp that's what that's what you do and then let it sit for a long long time and then put a layer of crushed peanuts over it like like a centimeter thick layer of crushed peanuts and then would just like

like carve out little slices of it and eat this at high school, at our high school. I don't mind that. He would bring crushed nuts to our high school. I like it though. Yeah. Shout out to my friend Peter Handshack. Yeah.

Shout out to Peter. What's up, Peter? What up, dog? Do you like grape nuts? Yeah. You like grape nuts too? Yeah. I don't really eat cereal anymore.

Me neither. But that was one of my choices. Same here. For sure. And you do have to like pour the right amount of milk and wait the right amount of time. Just enough. People aren't patient enough with Grape Nuts. That's their problem.

So Wetzel's Pretzels, that was my third pick. Andrew, it's time for your third and then your fourth pick. Oh, jeezy, crazy. Okay. I'm just going to take this one off the table because I feel like we're actually getting backed up into weird yeah the weird territory now uh a mrs fields oh yeah which which if you're constructing a food court yes is maybe it's a corner like the smell yeah that's a cornerstone oh it is a food yeah you gotta have those chemicals

pumping out yeah do they do they have extra chemicals that pump out? I'm 90% sure that that's the case. I wouldn't be surprised if they were manufacturing cookie smell. Yeah. Yeah. Like the same way realtors have a thing that's like a can of cookie smell. Or when you walk by like a Abercrombie and Fitch or an American Eagle or a Hollister and it smells like a teenager exploded.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What is that? Why do they do that it's called liquid horny yeah yeah that's so true it's another berkshire hathaway like every in high school i'd never fit in those clothes anyway that's why i would just walk by like oh sour grapes but like now when i walk by it like is so overpoweringly noxious that i can't even i was like i would never shop there anyway oh you know the way they smell it's just like so off-putting isn't that a thing where like as you get older your sense of smell gets worse or better

no it deadens all of our senses deaden deaden um except for our sense of regret that's true oh shit yeah well he's not wrong mine's live as hell yeah uh wait just a quick moment of silence okay um but i bet that they you know abercrombie has a lot of money they must have engineered that smell to attract teenagers and no one over the age of 19 you know right yeah they probably did a lot of tests yeah that's what fish did wait what abercrombie was the clothes guy. I thought you said fish and I was like is there like some jam band like Secret Smell that I don't know about? That's why they haven't

been touring the last two years. They've been in New Jersey developing smells. Do you remember when Abercrombie and Fitch was like an actual outdoor outfitter? I don't. I only remember when they started popping off as like a clothing brand for teenagers.

Okay, because they had that in Seattle where like people buy outdoor gear to wear every day. But I thought maybe it was in Portland too.

They might have. All I remember is there was a kid named Paul Abercrombie who got so stoked when Abercrombie and Fitch came out and started like popping

that like that was all he wore. He's like, name you know we were like sure yeah that is like that's such a baller move that's like the wearing the band's t-shirt to the show of life yeah yeah this is get it that's like the band wearing their own t-shirt i like it which i don't know if i've seen that move before. I would be so into that. I feel like I've seen, I want to say, like, maybe a Chance the Rapper wearing a Chance the Rapper shirt. I can see that. Maybe someone like that, like, just being like, hey, look at this.

We haven't talked about cookies for even a second. Here's the thing. I don't think I've had one of those cookies since I was, like, five. Yeah. You don't even need it. You don't need it for the cookies. I wish I liked cookies more than I like cookies. I don't really like cookies.

Mrs. Fields cookies are the type of cookie I love. You like a hot cookie. Like a hot. It's not even a cookie. It's just hot dough. It's warm dough. You like a hot dough plate. Because they're like not even.

They're like the softest like malformed nothing i fucking they are i love those cookies i never ever get them yeah it's because they under bake them just a touch right yeah but it really is just like a mouthful of but it's like frosting with a little flour in it basically i buy i'm saying things that are real good. The rollercoaster of biting into a cookie for me. As soon as I bite into a cookie, I'm so happy for a second. And then when I pull the rest of the cookie away and I've got a cookie in my mouth, I'm like, why'd you do that?

Have you never had a good cookie? I've had a lot of good cookies. I don't know if you have. I'm a savory boy. Okay. Yeah. I like sweets. I'm always just like a little, like, every time I eat sweets, I'm like, dude, that could have been a Dorito. What about a cookie with smashed up potato chips in it? I've had that.

Okay. I was just at, when I was in New York, I went to Momofuku. I went to Milk Bar. I went to get in Las Vegas recently. Oh, yeah. If you've had those Milk Bar cookies and you're not a cookie guy. And I liked it, but I was like the the meal was so much better yeah i even i will say they had like a corn cookie and i don't even like corn but the corn cookie was really really

good yeah that's like mostly corn flakes i think or something right yeah that shit is good i think corn is gonna be the next hot dessert ingredient you You heard it here first. Oh, shit. I can see that. I just tweeted the other day that I don't fuck with corn on the cob, and it was like people came at me hard. Yeah, you got to be careful. People came at me hard about that. Yeah.

People I thought were friends. No, you know, believe me, posting about the food on the internet, people will freak out. You have an opinion about food. People want to know that you're wrong and that they want to kick you in the face. I bet.

Do people come at you all the time about that stuff? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. Always men, obviously, who want me to know. They want to make sure that I know how stupid I am. Right. And I just can't get angry about stuff. I know it's like my life's work and I care,

but if someone's like, no, I like this Korean fried chicken more, I'm like, okay, great yeah so mrs. fields yeah they do they do a whole array of cookies they'll do a giant cookie they can get a message it's smell only this is a smell pick for you yeah i just in terms of like because i i'm approaching this like um like a like sim city like we're trying to build we're tycoons yeah trying to build the most profitable uh uh mall food court and you can't y'all are going i mean katherine's obviously she's already killing us with that address. But some people

will be fooled and they're like, oh, I smell Mrs. Fields. This must be where the food is at. I think the allure of my sum-jiro place with scare quotes around it. That probably is the actual best food that we've talked about so far.

Yeah, it's probably not. Mrs. Fields. There's not a ton to say about it it's one of those picks it's a cookie place you want a goddamn cookie you go to mrs fields i respect that they they haven't tried to do shit like they don't sell coffee or anything there right they're cookies only i may have gotten an iced coffee at a mrs fields in las vegas jesus just the other day oh fuck yeah they would do a syrupy coffee drink yeah yeah yeah where i had to be like and they're like are you sure no cream i'd be like no cream yeah butterfinger cream no butterfinger butterfinger no butterfinger

do you want us to hollow a butterfinger out you can use that as the straw? No? Yes. That one, yes. Yes, you sold me. Butterfinger drill bit. Real delicate, but like just, you just gotta go in. Like a jeweler's drill.

Little jeweler's loop, make sure you get it lined up correctly. Oh, that's the other thing I'd ball out on. Yeah. A jeweler's loop? Just atypical straws. It is a serpentine draft, so you also get to make your fourth pick now.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I know. Fuck. Jeez, let's crust. How about an au bon pain? Au bon pain. Oh. Does that count?

Those are in food courts. I can see that being in a food court. This one specifically. See, I had to do a lot of research just to even guess at what was in play or out of play. Yeah. So they have an au bon Pain at the Mall of America. Good enough for us, right? I don't know if it's in the food court.

I think they have a Momofuku at Mall of America. I know. Yeah, it's like... I think Au Bon Pain counts. I think that's food court. It's shitty enough that it could be in a food court. It's not a Five Guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can't do something legitimate. Panda Express is the only legitimately good food available. It's not a five, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't do something legitimate. Panda Express is the only legitimately good food available. Right. I'll allow Au Bon Pain. Au Bon Pain. This is a name only one for me. I don't think I've ever been in one. You've never been to an Au Bon Pain?

I don't think so. I just like saying Au Bon Pain. Au Bon Pain. Au Bon Pain. I think that's fair. Yeah. Au Bon Pain. i've never eaten in one of these so i can't weigh in on it i'm looking at the menu right now you made sandwiches is it is it just like a french starbucks they have a lot of egg dishes it's more food than drinks yeah they're doing a lot over there huh they're doing a lot over at all um katherine any opinions on Au Bon Bon? The only time I ever went in one was to try and use the bathroom. And I would have bought a cookie,

but they didn't have a bathroom. It was in New York. You know, New York, everyone's on the go. No time to pee. People are like, I'm walking here. Yeah, you get it. My friend Jay is... Z.

Jay Israel's in actually as far from Jay Z as you could maybe get as a human being they're both musicians doesn't matter he is like a walking encyclopedia of every good bathroom in Manhattan and he was like

he was like we're in Central Park we just got in bagels and I was like I need to go to the bathroom and he was like he was like i like i we're in we're in central park we just gotten bagels and i was like i need to go to the bathroom and he was like third floor of the met by the armor there's like an amazing bathroom that no one knows about and it was all marble every it was gorgeous it was one of the nicest bathrooms i've been in full stop and the met is one of those places where if you're a real shithead you can's like technically donation only so you can just flip them a quarter. And I made a big deal of like, I just got to go to the bathroom. I mean, you know, I'll be right out.

I have to see Rothko. I have to see Rothko. And then you run it. Yeah. Yeah. But I gave him a nickel and I went and took a dump in the third floor of the Met. In the beautiful, yeah. It was so nice.

And you left it as sort of a Dadaist piece on the city. That's so artistic. Thank you. So, Au Bon Pont, kind of the third floor bathroom. Yeah. That is, there is, in between Portland and Seattle, do you ever, would you make that drive ever, Kevin? I had to make it all the time for stand-up. So maybe.

I didn't have the same problem as you. Yeah. There is a, I forget what town it is, but they're like, there's like a couch store that has a bunch of fake cows in front of it by the side of the freeway. Anyway, that's not the bathroom there's a starbucks uh-huh that for some reason has like amazing bathrooms like individual occupancy like just like always real clean and that was always the clutch move like you'd be like halfway to seattle yeah we're stopping here yeah you'd always get a coffee show your appreciation right that's just a good business model it is also backing up a tiny little bit, the couch store had cows outside as if to say, they

were like cow statues, right? Yeah, cow statues. And it was like, that's right. There's like the leather from these gorgeous bees. Oh. I think you're reading way too much into it. I think it was more of a just like cow couch, and that might even be reading too much into it.

Yeah, it's the country. Oh, right. Yeah. How far is seattle to portland i have no idea yeah two and a half three hours oh that's not that bad yeah no it's it's like 180 miles the entire pacific northwest merges to me into like one like 30 mile radius i just can't do that because we hate each other yeah i i don't know the difference well portland hits seattle seattle i feel like doesn't have any business on Portland.

Seattle doesn't give a shit. Yeah. Which is how you know it's the better city. Right. Was the better city until all the money took over. You can't even afford to live there now. Meanwhile, Portland's just gotten cuter. Nice.

That's actually kind of true. That's true. Seattle's huge. The traffic in Seattle is worse than LA traffic. It's crazy right now. Yeah. I knew we'd get back to Traff Traff. Crazy.

I knew it. I knew we'd get back to Traff Traff. Crazy. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I want to say I pushed you guys there, but I knew you'd get there on your own. You let the Traff Traff figure itself out. Au bon bon. I wish we could talk more about the food at Au bon bon. I think I'm, now I'm like playing,

not to win exactly, but I'm just like, but this is a strategic thing. You just need an au bon pain. Okay, you need an au bon pain for the health conscious. And something fun for the teens to say. It's time for my third pick, or fourth pick. I don't have a dessert place yet, so I'm going to take something that is often in food courts, sometimes not, but mostly in food courts anymore.

TCBY. The country's best yogurt. Those still exist? Those still exist. And they're in food courts. Yeah. Wow. They're only in food courts.

I think they are only in food courts now. Okay. You go in there, you get a little frozen yogurt. You throw two, maybe three toppings on there. Yeah. Now that you're an adult with your own money. Is it self-service with the levers? No.

They're still back there working on the ones and twos back there yeah i just i love a fro-yo they're like the barnes and nobles of the fro-yo a little classier right yeah oh no i was gonna say they're like their business models like oh getting like subsumed by like your fucking oh so old school it is old school yeah right right getting served it's crazy oh yeah now you suckers gotta serve yeah i don't mind getting served i don't mind i can't you can't put a self-service yogurt kiosk in a mall that's chaos yeah yeah dipping their hands in running away with gummy bears yeah no not about that life right yeah you have to do it that way i love a tcby they have fun they have both a dependable and sometimes an avant-garde yogurt flavor for you yeah yeah you

want to get a pineapple one and then put gummy bears and chunks of pineapple in it tcby i'll do that for you they'll make a fucking brownie sundae if i recall they will they're kind of good tcby is kind of good yeah it's kind of hard to fuck up a frozen yogurt do they have the new wave toppings do they have mochi i don't think probably i haven't been to a tcby in a while it feels it feels like there's there's someone at tcby like like t like mr best yogurt son yeah has been like dad mr best yogurt son yeah we're getting we're getting we're getting killed by like whatever the fucking you know 16 handles or all this shit yeah we got it and it's like god damn it son like we don't do that yeah we're brownies we serve the thing we're just like ice cream for white people yeah there's definitely

not deviant from that yeah it's cool it's like a soda hop kind of jam yeah right it is but it's yogurt more all-american yogurt yogurt yogurt yogurt it's more healthful if you pronounce it yogurt yeah the country's best greek yogurt y'all that's even better for you uh that's not greek yogurt isn't better for you right it's just like them selling yogurt to us in a different way again it has more protein in it oh okay but it's worse for the environment better right oh yeah because it just like pumps out like vats of acid yeah because they squeeze out the non-protein part and just throw it in the garden oh no it kills everything because it's so acidic yikes a friend of a friend of mine who i used to work with was like yo you can't eat Chobani anymore because my friend's wife

divorced him because she was having an affair with the Chobani guy. What? It was like right when it came out and I don't know why. We were just at work probably just talking about it. It was like, yo, I know that dude. Fuck Chobani. Yeah. Or not.

Or don't fuck Chobani. That guy has made John Stamos the new Greek lady holding a UFO. Oh, yeah. That's true. He's the new most Greek. Do you think the Chobani guy and Stamos just go out and fuck people's wives? Yes. Probably.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. In a motorcycle and they take turns being in the sidecar? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That's exactly what happens. Right. They're like the Greek Pussy Patrol.

Pussy Patrol? I can't say that out loud. Pussy Control? yeah oh my god that's exactly what happens they're like right they're like the greek pussy patrol pussy patrol that sounds I can't say that out loud pussy control yeah you can sing the prince song pussy control we'll edit all this out

with more Elizabeth Warren quotes TCBY yeah I love it I got a dessert place in my food court now yep Catherine it's time for you to build on the success of the Jamba Juice pick with your

fourth and then final picks as it is a serpentine draft okay so Andrew since you went Mrs. Fields I'm gonna counter attack with Famous Amos oh Jesus Christ and we will see we're fighting each other now

give us the Famous Amos over Mrs. Fields case. I feel like they put a little more salt in their cookie batter, and that really is key. Cookie dough. Excuse me. Now, you know I love... I said earlier, I'm a savory boy. So any salt in a cookie, that's going to get me a little closer to overboard. What is the difference?

More flavor. No, no, no. Not in salt. I just didn't even... I guess I didn't even realize. I'm not even positive I remembered Famous Amos until you just said it. In my own defense, y'all know that Mrs. Fields is the name brand. And so, you know.

What do you mean? Fuck Famous Amos. Whoa. Jesus. You know what I'm saying? Famous Amos, they do have storefronts, right? Don't they? I think they do.

Yes. We're going with yes for that one. We're saying yes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're saying yes for this one. This could crater your whole operation. I know. I know.

It's going to be ruinous for me. After you drafted Panda Express, what if it turns out they don't? I think they do. Oh, my God. Don't they? It would actually be hilarious, if katherine's mall food court was like like four good restaurants yeah just like a large industrial distribution center with the fame we should have to actually like compose these in like our because yeah famous

is the mostly known for the grocery store cookies i I don't know that I've seen the Famous Amos store before. Well, this is extremely stressful for me. I'll take it. Am I going to have to rescind it? No, you might take it, Andrew, but I don't want the listeners to say that I'm out. I'm going to tell you this, listeners. Catherine's out.

I can't find any. I'm Googling Famous Amos plus stores. Say locations. Okay. Famous Amos locations. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. They might be.

They might be. This all might have been for not. This is a different thing. This is a Floridian restaurant. Oh. There's a restaurant called Famous Amos? Called Famous Amos. restaurant oh there's a restaurant called famous famous famous seems a little bit like they would have um sebastian the crab as like a i do feel like i remember there's some sort of tropical

origin to it whether it's florida or hawaii it is i think it is floridian but i don't think it's a restaurant and i think oh no it's a brand of cookie founded in LA hell yeah but Wally Amos is from Tallahassee Florida and they never opened a restaurant there's never been a cookie location? I don't think so this is

the most stress I've ever been under in my life this is also by far the most fouls in a draft this is that's also by far the most fouls in a in a draft this is this that's not on any of us this is a contentious draft all right i won't go with famous wait wait okay there has been a famous hamish store in la

what the fuck why can't I find more information about this? I'm going to allow it. We're going to allow Famous Amos. Can it be a thing where even if they don't exist anymore, if they did exist at some point in time? We're going to grandfather it in. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. All right. We're going to grandfather Famous Amos. Your fantasy draft is some real crumbly, dry, tiny cookies. All right. How dare you? How dare you?

How dare you? Somewhere they do exist, I think. What a weird thing. There should be more information about this on the internet. There really should be, you would think. Sorry to the listeners for that minute and a half of just research. I like the mystery of it.

Okay, so famous Amos. Maybe it doesn't exist. A saltier cookie. Maybe. Yeah. Who knows? Yeah. Frankly. But less like completely goopy.

Not like Mrs. Fields is like soup. No, because I remember having hot Famous Amos cookies. Very specifically. Maybe that was at Hot Famous Amos. That was at Hot Amos. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah look you both have cookie restaurants

I don't get it for one second considering you both had other dessert options but we know I'm not into cookies I'm looking at one further down my list that I forgot about I might still take it I might double dessert it oh double dessert I don't remember how many desserts I had

what's your favorite kind of cookie? I mean, I guess classic chocolate chip. Your classic chocolate chip? Yeah. Yeah. I like making cookies, though. Do you? Putting stuff like honey roasted peanuts smashed up.

What? I'm into that. With toffee bits. Oh, that's so good sounding. It's real good. There's a lot of salt in that. Hell yeah. Holy shit. Salty chocolate chip cookie is really good. Yeah. That's the way to go.'s real good. There's a lot of salt in that. Hell yeah. Holy shit.

Salty chocolate chip cookie is really good. Yeah. That's the way to go. Andrew, what's your favorite cookie? I might, I think I like a, just anything that's like soft and goopy. So if it's like chocolate chip, you know, the big kind. Texture. That's like very like, yeah.

Yeah. Like it's more pudding than cookie. Oh, okay. Kind of irrelevant what flavor it is, I think. So is it just like the underbakedness of it that you enjoy? I think maybe. Like I think maybe if I really was being true to myself, I could just like eat like a raw egg and a handful of chocolate chips

and just be like, that's a cookie. I'm into that. That's my cookie. Rocky style. A fucking chocolate chip omelet. For me, it's a toddler teething biscuit oh subtle flavor

no zwieback snickerdoodle I like a snickerdoodle snickerdoodles are really nice I love a snickerdoodle yeah they're kind of a

comfort cookie too yeah they relent in just the perfect way under your teeth I love a cookie that relents uh huh uh huh

uh huh speaking of relenting it is time to relent Catherine and make your fifth and final pick. Oh, yeah. Maybe this place will exist. Maybe not. Irrelevant.

Yeah. We've decided it's irrelevant. When you've run up the score with Panda Express, you just kind of do whatever. Yeah, it kind of doesn't matter. Yeah. You could just be like empty storefront that's gone out of business. It's weird. I have the choice that I think I want to make, but then once again, I'm feeling competitive with

Andrew and want to have a direct competitor. And I can't decide which one I want to do. I feel like... Let me just throw this out there. Because it's on Ian's Twitter. He always gets the home field advantage. I think us sniping each other is not the way to go.

We should be ganging up on Ian. That's the strategy. Okay, Ian. So you think you're so cute with your like independent anonymous greek place yeah i'm gonna come at you with an independent japanese place just the random japanese places in the mall sometimes yeah what that has like teriyaki and tempura and udon it's like a grab bag of greatest hits sometimes they'll have sushi and you're like no yeah yeah yeah it's kind of crucial actually yeah and the tempura is like really bad

and not even made with like tempura batter yeah it's made out of corn dogs right they use the same fryer that they do the corn dogs in yeah you just order tempura and then they disappear behind the door and then they pop up at hot dog on a stick yeah they're like it's beef tempura those places are great though I love like a teriyaki Tempura and then they disappear behind the door and then they pop up at hot dog on a steak. Yeah.

They're like, it's beef tempura. Those places are great though. I love like a teriyaki bowl for one of those places. Yeah. So does Portland have teriyaki culture the way that Seattle does? Maybe not quite. Probably not quite the same. Okay.

We're a little white. We're a much whiter city. That's true. That's true. Yeah. In Seattle, it's like a teriyaki place on every corner type situation. And then in malls too, do they have just like random Japanese places? Yeah. Usually teriyaki places, right?

Mostly teriyaki, but they always, it's the whole dusting it off thing. You might ask for something else. Soba or something. Like a miso. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, oh, yeah, the little styrofoam cup of miso that's wild hot until it's cold.

Right. And then immediately. Yeah. Yeah. It loses all its heat yeah like it's passing through the earth's atmosphere oh my god i love soba i like a soba more even than a teriyaki i love a thick noodle like yeah those are fun like you're eating a delicious shoelace yeah yeah is it buckwheat i i fucked up big time i went to one of those places

actually without getting too... Catherine and I don't hang out all the time. This makes it sound like we hang out all the time. But one of the things about our podcast is it's always a different food every week. Yeah. And actually, now that I'm talking about it, both of these podcasts, Ian, your podcast and Catherine's podcast, will make me eat whatever the fucking food has been on it. Like, the time you guys did that fucking

uh taco bell draft i almost died yeah that week it was real bad we got so many tweets from people like i'm in the drive-thru right now listening to this fucking podcast yeah and it turns out you can hold a crunch wrap and drive at the same time oh you absolutely can it's really it was really that's what they're built for it was real bad bad. I was just like, I run it. Anyway. It's nothing but corners. Each of them full of flavor. It was so good.

Catherine did an episode on sukiyaki, which is like a fairly fancy, it's like thin sliced meat and it's like a big stew kind of thing. Yeah. But not the kind of thing you get at a fucking, this wasn't in, actually it was in a mall, but it was one of like a freestanding place in a mall okay but a mall level japanese place don't get the goddamn sukiyaki and i got it and it was just like it was like somehow they like dropped like a cheese steak into like it was so disgusting and so much of it it was also like 38 and everything else it was you know like a shitty teriyaki place yeah i fucked up anyway i have i have that on my brain don't get sukiyaki

them all don't get fucking cute but do listen to the sukiyaki episode of smart maps yeah yeah it was really yeah that's a key key thing at any of these like food court places is try not to get cute yeah right time of go with the thing they're selling you yeah you want the basics yeah because like it never just like this podcast like you always you're not smarter than it no like yeah yeah yeah oh anyway the random japanese place excellent pick thank you fucking soba noodles yeah i'm gonna have to work my way into some soba noodles on my cheat day which is every day of my life uh that's just a cute t-shirt i'm gonna say every day is cheat day and then only comes in 8xl uh time for my final pick uh building on tcby and with my final pick

y'all tell me if this is okay y'all tell me if this is okay. Y'all tell me if this is okay. Because it's kind of a food court. It's usually in food courts, but it's freestanding in a food court. I'm taking the Sweet Factory. I was thinking about that. That's like the bulk candy place. That's the bulk candy place. I feel like if you have to go behind floor to ceiling walls I just don't know.

But on the other hand it adds variety. It's exactly the level of food court. It's usually in food courts. Yeah. Yeah. It's for when people want a sweet treat after their orange chicken. Yeah. 15, 16 sweet treats. Yeah. And oh man. I want to allow it for fun. Are we gonna allow it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm stunting that. Yeah. You go in there. What a good call. I want to allow it for fun. Are we going to allow it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm stunting that. Yeah. You go in there. Oh, what a good call. I like gummies. That's my favorite kind of candy. Yeah. All gummy everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'll just go in there and put like 19, 20 different kinds of gummies into one bag. Army men, sharks. Yeah. It's a big toy story, but it's all edible. What is the frog supposed to be? I don't know what flavor that is. Because that white on the bottom. The big white butt. That's fake marshmallow. It's supposed to be i don't know what flavor that is because that white on the bottom a big white butt that's fake marshmallow it's supposed to be

texture is a it's a bit off-putting it's my least favorite gummy i think oh god i love the coke bottles oh that's my favorite coke bottle and then sometimes they'll get crazy they'll do like a cherry coke bottle or like a sprite coke bottle or they'll do the coke bottle with like like uh like whatever on the outside so it's like fizzy a little bit oh like pop rocks yeah like pop like not full-blown yeah yeah obviously like generic pop rock style yeah the coke bottles are the best yeah and the um peach rings the way they smell make me horny right because so many kids were eating them in eighth grade. Yeah.

And I determined that I remember being at a movie with a boy and he was eating peach rings. At your horniest moments. Yeah, exactly. That makes sense. Yeah. Just a big mouthful of artificial peach. Just smack it away. So hot.

I'm trying to get that on mic. Watching Orange County or whatever movies we were at when we were in eighth grade. I did make producer Marissa cringe with my smacking, which I feel is a win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been a lot of cringes during this episode. Yeah, I can't see what's going on. That's a bad one. What is the shit that's on the paper that's just the dots?

Those little dots? The dots? Are those just called the dots? I think they're just called dots. Those are hard candies, right? Yeah. I think they're just like sugar. Those were invented during World War II, I think, when we didn't have any sugar.

We got to give the kids something. Well, as someone who loves paper-based confections, obviously, I'd just take a roll of that and chew on it. Yeah, yeah. he's got to chew on that wax paper for a little bit there's way more paper than candy on those too yeah you can just go crazy i don't do it so much anymore that's kind of a nostalgia pick yeah but i always remember when i like as a kid when we would go to the food court i feel like into the sweet factor especially at the pioneer Pioneer Place in downtown Portland.

Oh, hell yeah. Right there in the middle of it all. Do you like the chocolate-covered gummy bears? I had a period right when I first got into weed when I ate a lot of gummy bears. Oh, yeah. Now,

it's a little bit like my pizza-covered pretzel situation where I kind of want them separately. It's too much. Also, that chocolate is the worst chocolate. It's wax. Yeah. It's bad chocolate. What, that chocolate is the worst chocolate ever. It's wax. Yeah. It's bad chocolate.

What about you? How do you feel about them? It's okay if you like them. Well, I actually kind of have the same feeling about them. I remember from high school being super... They probably felt sophisticated or something like that. They probably did a little bit. Like, what are you just eating?

A naked gummy bear? Yeah. Oh, they probably make... Okay, this is as part of the shadow draft. Here's the addition to our weird restaurant. Yeah. Oh, they probably make, okay, this is as part of the shadow draft. Here's the addition to our weird restaurant. Yeah. Really nice, like, extruded gelatin, whatever, like, fruit flavor gummy bears and then nice-ass chocolate.

Sure. Some years around Passover. Maybe they're about the size of a Twinkie. Maybe eat it with a knife and fork. There's some kind of, like, Jewish jelly candy that's kosher for Passover. Oh, hell yeah. It gets passed around. Jelly rings. Jelly rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, yeah, like, jelly rings. I love me for Passover? Oh, hell yeah. It gets passed around. Jelly rings. Jelly rings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, yeah, like jelly rings. I love me a jelly. Do I love me a jelly ring? No, they're gross. See? Yeah. I think you do.

Yeah. Go back and try again. They're good for, I like the, my favorite Passover dessert is just that like the shittiest like pre-made macaroons. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need so many of those. When I found out that there were French macarons, which were spelled a little bit different,

I was like, we could have been having these. What the fuck have we been doing? No, those are leavened like a motherfucker, man. No, they're leavened as fuck, but still. We could have slid them by the goalie. We'd be like, macaroons. We'd be like, they must be okay. None of us were religious anyway.

We just felt guilty about not doing it because we survived the Holocaust. None of us were religious anyway. We just felt guilty about not doing it because we survived the Holocaust. I just want to say yogurt-covered pretzels are my favorite thing. Oh, yeah, I remember those. I feel like I don't eat candy anymore. Those can't be yogurt.

Why are they called yogurt-covered pretzels? Yogurt. But what is that on a yogurt-covered pretzel? It's healthy. Yeah, it's a health. It's a bulk bin treat. It's a health. Yogurt-covered pretzel? It's healthy. Yeah, it's a health. It's a bulk bin treat. Yeah. It's a health. Yogurt-covered pretzels.

Yogurt. Yogurt. The Sweet Factory, my final pick. Andrew, it is time for you to wrap up the draft with your final pick. Oh, God. Okay. Here's one. This is me.

This is the Andrew trying to be too cute. Get cute. No, I'm not picking this. Okay. But it's really slippery chairs that have a slight declination, so you can't sit in there too long. Because they're trying to move people in and out. Yeah. The chairs are so slippery at a good mall food court.

Are you not picking that? I'm not picking that. You're just calling it out. But that was a thing that I was like, that is a crucial part of the mall business plan. That is a good call. That would have been good call you need you need a slippery ass chair yeah if you were just running a food court you need those yeah you have to have otherwise kids would sit there and text all day i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with another dessert i'm gonna go with uh japanese chain beard papas what oh yeah the cream puffs yeah interesting not everybody might have beard poppers they're in

la yeah it is a mall food court thing that one i haven't seen in a mall food court um it's just fucking cream puffs cream puffs only yeah cream puff the thing that you never think you want until you have like but they're really humiliating to eat in front of other people yeah it's just like fucking whipped cream all over your face they got it all over the place like like the disgusting boy i am i can pretty much house one in one bite absolutely i was thinking that while we were saying that humiliating thing i'm like that whole thing's going in the mouth yeah yeah it's gonna be a contained you know like when the bomb squad puts a bomb in that weird like uh crockpot looking thing and they

blow it up in there and it's fine? My mouth. So your mouth is like the Hurt Locker for Beard Papa. Beard Papa's website makes me feel like I'm on acid. This shit is crazy. It's pretty Japanese. Whoa, it's moving really atypical. You scroll down and then it goes sideways.

Chill out, Beard Papa. All right. Their mascot is like an old sailor man with a big white beard. Exactly who you want to buy desserts from. Beard Papa, yeah. An old crusty salt of the sea. Here you are, kids. After a long day on the cream puff trawler you know everyone you you and your friends run down

to the docks and you can get one right out of the net beer papa beer papa yeah it does turn out he was molesting kids later on but you didn't know that at the time yeah always happens too dark do they have custard in them and then whipped cream or is it just whipped cream i forget how they work uh you can get one with custard actually. Okay. But the cream, is it whipped cream? I guess it is whipped cream. It feels slightly denser than that.

And they have other shit on there, but mostly you just want Beard Papa. Yeah. You can get them in like a Dunkin' Donuts, like, donut hole container with, like, 20 of them at once. That's too many cream puffs. And it's real bad. You can get chocolate dipped. You can get them dipped.

And they bake them on the, they got those, like, weird, like, subway ovens that, like, bake them real fast in a thing. Yeah. I know that I have imbalanced my food court with it, and I probably should have gone with the corporate overlord. Yeah. Two slippery seats.

But, you know. No, because now you're going to have the crowd that wants to think that they're being interesting. Yeah. Even when they're at the mall. Oh, yeah. I got the fucking hipsters that listen to this podcast. Yeah. It's all hipsters.

Yeah. Yeah. This podcast is listened to by the Decembrists. And that's it. So it's still like 5,000 people. I want to say, since we've made all our picks, I'm proud of us for none of us for going the McDonald's route. Yeah.

Or the Subway. Because those are prevalent in food courts. And we didn't do that. I almost went Quiznos. I think you could win with the Quiznos. Oh, toasted sandwich. I almost went Quiznos. I think you could get away with Quiznos. Oh, toasted sandwich. Yeah, the toasted part. I actually kind of forgot.

Quiznos is good. Yeah. Yeah, that was my whole point. It kind of tastes good. Again, that would have been kind of running up the score after Panda Express. Yeah, did you do Quiznos

on there too? It would have been kind of mean. I'm a mean person. You guys had taken it. I had written down a mom-pop diner run by immigrants that mostly does american shit but does one native thing that's like that's amazing like the cheeseburger place where it's also got like a palak paneer there was a there

was a korean place or i'm sorry a diner ish thing like cheeseburgers, hot dogs, run by a Korean couple in the mall in Ann Arbor that would just do bibimbap also. Really? That was incredible. But everything else was the worst. Like, truly, truly the worst. And it was like, that's my actual favorite kind of thing. But I feel like the teriyaki and the gyro place, you guys know it.

We kind of covered that up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's cover what we did get. So, Catherine Spires, you kicked us off by picking Panda Express and then Cinnabon, Jamba Juice, Famous

Amos, which may or may not exist, and then a random Japanese place. I went second and took Sparrows, some random Jiro place, Euro place, whatever, Wetzel's Pretzels, TCBY, and then the Sweet Factory factory i hate my picks uh andrew you picked hot dog on a stick orange julius mrs fields au bon pont and then beard

papas i feel pretty good about my shit i think you did pretty good i feel catherine i think you had the best one mine is just a fever dream of a trip to the mall. None of this makes sense. Of mine, I would only eat at two of them, honestly. Anymore, which is some Euro place in Wetzel's Prapels. But I would house both of their menus fully. I feel like the key is just imagining a meal composed entirely of one of everything from the places we got. Gross. Who had the best meal?

I guess I could get gum at the Sweet Factory. Now that I'm a full-grown adult. That jawbreaker that's the size of a golf ball. I got, just before we go, I forget which birthday, like my 10th maybe, whatever year Jurassic Park came out. So yeah, it was 9 or 10. And i got like a jurassic park themed jawbreaker and like over the next three days because there was a little toy inside they said i just attacked it and like my by the end of it my tongue was bleeding fuck jawbreakers yeah those are painful those aren't for play and there was

a little tiny velociraptor like halfway in there that you're like i can't i can't do it the toy was given to me by the doctor who operated on my tongue uh well that's what i'm saying is that's that's the andrew move yeah swallow that whole thing down yikes let my digestive juices take care of it uh just like in jurassic park that has been right yeah yeah yeah like the spinner dinosaur that has been uh the mall food. Yeah, yeah, like the spinner dinosaur. That has been the Mall Food Court All Fantasy Everything. Thank you, Catherine Spires. Make sure you check out the Smart Mouth podcast and check out her stuff with LA Weekly.

Thank you, Andrew T. Make sure you check out YoIsThisRacist.com and the podcast YoIsThisRacist. I've been Ian Carmel. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-sha-sha-shaklackity. Ha ha ha. Shaklackity. next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity.

Shacklackity. That was a HeadGum Podcast.