All Fantasy Everything - Freshman Year of College (Live w/ David Gborie and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: July 25, 2019

Another live one for you! Oh you graduated? NO, I DECIDED I WAS FINISHED. The GVG may not have all stayed for a long time, but they all at least went to freshman year of college. Today, they draft it. CHUNE IN, BRUV.This was recorded live in Boston at The Sinclair.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to a live All Fantasy Everything, live from the Sinclair Theater in beautiful Boston, Massachusetts. Make some noise if you're in the building. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, it's just me tonight. I hope that's okay. I hope that's okay. David and Sean, it's weird. They tried out for the Red Sox.

They made the team. I'm happy for them. They made the team. You know what I mean? They're going to combine and become David Ortiz again. Just the two of them. We're rooting for you, Papi. Had another surgery today?

He's doing good. According to his wife, who was not the girlfriend who was there when he got shot. You got to respect it it or at least admire it from afar that's probably more you don't want to like model your life on it but from afar like with like

oh good for him listen I think I think I think we'd all be okay with me doing it alone. Shout out Jiminy Glick. But I did bring a couple of friends along. You know them as Sean S. Jordan on Twitter.

You know them as Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on the gram. Make some noise for Sean Jordan. Bismarck, North Dakota's own. Oh my God. Yeah, it's Sioux Falls. I tried to pull the mic out so it sounded awkward for everybody who isn't here. What the fuck is Sioux Falls? What are you talking about? Dankest city on the planet, nephew.

Say what? Say what? There's a water for you. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, to go with all the alcohol. These are both waters. This is water from a river here that has agreed to the Federal Clean Water Act, and this one actually is what we're here to talk about. It's actually from right here in Cambridge, so...

Right here in Cambridge, which is where we're at. Right here in Cambridge, Locke. Fucking hell yeah. Fucking right here in Cambridge, kid. Talk to some of these Harvard kids. Oh, wow, yeah. We watched a little Goodwill to warm up the other night.

We watched... We watched about 45 clean minutes of Goodwill hunting. Get back to the Caribbean's like, you want to watch some Goodwill to. Get back to the crib and Ian's like, you want to watch some Goodwill to warm up? I'm like, you know it, kid. Yeah. And then we did. And then we canceled Casey Affleck together.

Yep. He canceled. Right there in the fortress. Sean, how the fuck are you, Bobby? I'll tell you, I'm doing pretty well. I'm excited. I am going to cry at some point. Every live show gets a little tears.

What a world we live in. I almost cried right there. It's so cool. You can be like, hey, I'm going to cry. And everyone's like, yeah, fucking cry, dude. That's sick. And I will. Y'all fucking standing room only this place.

This is crazy. Seriously. None of us have ever been to Boston before. When they gave us the tour dates, we were like, okay, so 14 people will come to Boston and they'll all be lost. And then it's fucking standing room only. That's amazing. Wow. And I have shorts on

for the first time on stage ever. Oh, Sean is waiting. Give him a walk. Walk him out. I'll walk it out. I'll walk it out. Yeah'll walk it out. Yeah! Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Those taekwondo sticks, dude.

Calling upon your training in front of everybody like that. I tried to do the splits at our San Francisco show. It did not go well. I was doing them and I had jeans on, which is like rookie mistake. You got a football outfit on is what you need to have. But I was doing the splits and I felt something pop.

And I'm like, nah. I see your shirts. I'm not going to bring them up until a certain third individual is out here on stage. And he never will be because he passed away earlier today in a whaling accident. He was riding one of the whales. Yeah.

A lot you don't know about him. Yeah. They don't call them international waters for nothing. Yeah, they do. It's nothing. You think it's for nothing? I'm just getting as much shit out as I can before he gets out here.

We can really just keep, this is, what is it called? What's it called when they read just like Harry Potter on the floor of the Senate? Not gerrymandering. Filibustering. Filibustering. Who in this room thought I was going to get that and not Ian? That's pretty tight. I'm not even here, bro.

Nobody is man Yuck Yuck city Yuck yuck city Well For God's sake You know him as The G asylum on Twitter

You know him as Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram Make some noise For international waters himself David Bore And we kiss For International Waters himself, David Borey! And we kiss.

Just some snoopy little devils that like to kiss. Okay, this... Little devils who love kissing. We got a lot, and it's all in the front row. First of all, we have two family members in airbrush. In airbrush, don't forget the homie shirts that say Badussi and Shacklackity, respectively.

Stan, you gotta show everybody. I can't believe it says, I didn't know what it says. It says Badussi. Yes! The family is so strong. I think you may be

the first person to ever commit that to a t-shirt. I don't know! We need two t-shirts. One says shaklakity and the other, well. Make the shaklakity one first

and then we'll tell you the other one. Did you tell the airbrusher what badussi means? You airbrushed him. You are an airbrusher. I was an inside job. Okay.

I respect it. Thank you Sean You're like our roadie too Cause you do sound check And the things I'm not smart enough to do And I did coke off of you earlier If you did coke off of Sean What part of his body

I don't know it'd have to be that beautiful face Yeah I'd have to lock eyes with you the whole time You wouldn't do it shop on what part of his body? I don't know. It'd have to be that beautiful face. Yeah? I'd have to lock eyes with you the whole time. You wouldn't do it off my sensitive nipple? I have my right nipples a bit sensitive, and I told him in confidence, and here I go telling everybody else. He was just like,

my right nipple's been sensitive lately. We're like... That's the show we talk about in the green room. He said, my sensitive nipple's been lactating And I said Did you come? All of this happened You're not really lactating right?

No I don't lactate but I do have a sensitive right nipple I don't lactate I just pull up my pants And do the rock away Lean back Oh so not only have these Family members airbrush t-shirts Which is amazing and we love you for it forever. That is so cool, man.

Also, right behind him is Cool Guy Jokes 88, bro. It's you! It's you! Don't cheer, I have to kill this man. There can be only one. You fucking, you Price is righted him. Yeah! Were you born in 88? Liar. Fucking liar. You think I made this shit up? I'm cool. A guy. I tell jokes. 87 I was born. I don't know why that took me there like that.

I don't either, but it did take you right I'm so excited. It took you right there. I'm just happy to be in Boston. I'm all lobster drunk. Oh my god. We got full You got lobster blood like nobody ever before. I'm thick with it. This guy fucking ate a full-blown lobster. I ate a full-blown lobster. Just like right down the

gullet and then pulled out the bones. And then I ate a lobster roll. Like, back to back meals. So it was like full lobster, lobster. And the diet is young. I could fuck with some more lobster after this. What's that baked lobster all about? I'm trying to see.

Don't ask me, dude. I have no idea. I had to watch these two do oyster shooters all day. Yeah, you refuse to eat. Ew. It's not ew. It's not ew. Ew.

It's ew when you melt Hormel chili on top of fucking American cheese and squirt mayonnaise. Tread lightly. Tread lightly, my friend. That's fucking ew. Tread lightly. The state of South Dakota is ew. Oh! I don't mean it.

You see what I'm doing? You see what I'm doing? Getting my jabs in before he's out here? Guys, I'm just excited to be here. That's how I show my love getting my jabs in before he's out here. Guys, I'm just excited to be here. That's how I show my love. Mortal Kombat! Now fight! We should have done all that in sound check.

That would have been tight. And then fight. Now you fight. No, I think David would win. I know. Because I couldn't hit one of my best friends in the world. I could never do it. I could right in the fucking mouth.

I don't give a shit, dude. I'd fly no flag. Unless we fought with hugs and compliments, then I think I'd win. If that's the case, we were fighting backstage. I'm always hugging up on you. It was getting mushy back there. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It was getting gushy back there. It was getting mushy, gushy. His apple juice might have something to do with it. It was getting hummus-y back there. We had some hummus. It got badussy back there. It got badussy. I'll say it.

You think it got badussy back there. I'll say it. You think it got badusi back there? I think there was a smell similar. I don't know about all that. There might have been a smell of badusi in the one hotel room we have together. So that's been, that's tight. That's how you know it's a good crew. No, it's the perfect amount of time though

because we have one hotel room but we're only there for a night so we leave before the stink permeates. Yes. Like, we're going to be stanking there tonight. We're going to wake up. It's going to be dank. Check out that 11, baby. We'll be halfway to Brooklyn by the time that room smells like we slept in it.

I'm on the Jersey Turnpike before I smell that shit. But also, I pooped in there bad before we left. Like, in a way that, like, I didn't want them to know about. Like, I was like, if I just, oh, no, we're leaving, let me just go right before we leave, and then, like... And then we stayed for another 30 to 45 minutes. David pooped

and then the dropkick Murphys just started playing from the toilet. This fucking guy! Where do they belong? How many times have you listened to Shippin' Up the Bustard? I don't believe, guys, I'm just excited. I say mean stuff. I don't know how to show love. What did you say?

I said where they belong, in the toilet. Oh, no! I don't even know if they're a good band or not. I've been rocking with the Dropkick Murphys since early college, dude. Actually, late high school. Clearly late high school. Oh, yeah. I was like listening in Westview High School. Shout out to Westview High School football rules. Beaverton, Oregon. Top of the food chain where champions are born.

Wildcat. Westview Wildcat. Yeah, they were everywhere. Hold on, though. Are you a Westview Wildcat who raised your hand? Yo, you guys are out here. Where my Elizabeth Cardinals at? Link of Patriots, stand up and do something. No? People don't leave our towns. Westview, baby.

That is true. Every time we go back and visit, they're like, you moved back, huh? Yeah. No, I'm sorry. I didn't. Put a lot of people in universities all over this great country of ours. I don't remember why I brought Westview up, but fuck you guys. Oh, I was listening to Dropkick.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had like, secretly turned you into a communist, because they had a bunch of pro-union songs that they would cover. Which side are you on? Which side are you on?

I'm like, with you, Dropkick Murphys. I was like a chubby little kid with a Guinness-themed cabbie hat in like 2001. Like wherever you guys are going. Yo, we need to stop letting fat kids buy cabi hats. It's not a good look. That's fucking for real.

It never works out. Because like I get it as a fat dude. You got a sassy hat and you're like some girl is going to fall in love with me for this fedora. And it's not how it's going to go. Because you get something that's like one size fits all and it truly does. It fits your fucking dome, you know what I mean? Nah, man. Every time I get a fancy hat,

I look like I do community theater. When was the last fancy hat? And what's wrong with that? I would love to go see you in a performance of, I don't know, The Seagull starring David Morey. You said every time you get a fancy hat, when was the, I've known you for quite some time. I've gotten three fancy hats in my lifetime. I got a

Kangol once in the late 90s. How old were you in the late 90s? Like 12? Too young for a Kangol. You're not supposed to have those before you have sex. That's the name of the play you do in the community. Too young for a Kangol, the David Borey. The David Borey story.

The David Borey story. That does actually sound good. A David Borey allegory. Too Borey story. That does actually sound good. A David Borey allegory. Too young for a Kangol. What was my other? Okay, so I had a Kangol. So I had a rough middle school. Also, in sixth grade, I got a bucket hat because of a Maya video. Which Maya video?

I think it was Moving On, if I'm not mistaken. And then when I was like like 20 I was going to Lake McConaughey in Nebraska and I got like a wicker hat from Walmart Lake what Lake McConaughey in Nebraska when you got in the water did you get all wet all wet all wet I'm winning that Emmy this year give it to me I want it I don't know how it saluted you I'm gonna stab Emmy this year. Give it to me. I want it. I don't know how it saluted you thus far. I'm going to stab Mike Malloy to death with that Emmy when I get it.

I'll tell you that for free. Yo, you got to kill him when you get it. I will kill him when I get it. There's not a court in this country that will convict me. Not once I go back to the Maldives. Sure, no. Yeah, yeah. Where are the Maldives, Sean?

It's the one mall that he doesn't know about. I didn't know either. I just wanted to deflect. I don't know. Most people in here don't know. I'm going to say, yeah. Raise your hand if you know where the Maldives are. They're in dichotomy.

That's pretty cool. Officers, swoop them up. I don't know. Yeah, this is an ice raid. You're just excited. I get it. Maldives are immigrants too. I'm a patriot.

No, that's a crazy angle to take. I don't mean that at all. My mom is an immigrant. What are you talking about? I think everybody should come here, man. Fuck it. It's a good party. Hell yeah, dude.

AFU wouldn't exist without immigrants. No. My father was the first Carmel born in this country. My grandmother's from Ireland. Now's a good enough time to do this. I want to just, no seriously though, I want to, because my mom is an immigrant and I'm so thankful she was able to be here. And the woman that facilitated my mom to come to America, like, truthfully, I wouldn't be

here without this woman. My family probably wouldn't survive the war. This is a huge deal. So, she's in here. I just want to say thank you so much to Betsy Small. I really, like, I really, like, it's so... I can't see...

I'm gonna get... Oh, my God! I'm gonna give you a hug. I'm going to give you a hug. Can I come and give you a hug real fast? Do it now. Do it now. He's coming around. He's coming around.

It's going to be a treat. That's exactly what the fuck is up. Yeah, yeah. Seriously. That almost got the tears out real quick. From us. There it is. There it is.

We just found out about that like an hour ago. It's beautiful. Man, this is so cool. From us as well. Thank you for giving us one of our best friends in the entire planet. Seriously. We really appreciate you.

That's the first time she met me not in them guts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're still in them guts. That's not the term. That's not the term. That's not the term I want to use. That's probably the last term you wanted to use. I don't know how I... I was just excited about... I'm excited. You excited?

What kind of draft is it? Oh! Anyway, it's that kind of podcast at the end of the goddamn day. I kind of podcast at the end of the goddamn day. I'm slipping. At the end of the goddamn day, it's that kind of podcast. Can I throw out one of these hats? Oh, yeah. Listen.

We love the Sinclair so much and we love all y'all for coming here that we wanted to buy a bunch of merch and just toss it out to y'all because we fuck with this place, but they were like, no. Take it! And we were like, no, can we give you some money? And they were like, no.

And then they pulled out a gun, dude. They had a gun on us. And I was like, whoa, friend. And then we pulled out a sword, dude, right? I pulled out nunchucks. He pulled out nunchucks. They do nothing against a gun or a sword. And then like an eagle landed on their gun

and the eagle spoke in the most beautiful baritone voice ever. And it was just like, we are all one. Take the hats. And we were like... Alright. Anyway, here's the hat. Anyway, yeah, yeah, yeah! What?

Are you going to space them out? Yeah, let's go space them out. There we go. What if we space them out a little bit? No, I'm going to space out a little bit. I'm going to wait for a little bit. It's a long show. I'm just doing some shit, man.

Don't talk to me like I have this mind on my first day. I'll fucking kill you, bro. See that? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What's up, nephew? Just living life out here. Damn, it's like you used to work at the Gap.

We didn't have a Gap in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. That's where I'm from. We didn't have a Gap in Sioux Falls until like... You guys had The Gorge. There is a place called Devil's Gulch that we had. You guys had The Canyon. I got these jeans at The Canyon. I don't know whose voice that was. I'm still hopped up from the hug.

Don't judge me. Don't judge me. Ain't nobody judging you. No, I'm stuck hopped up from the hug. Don't judge me. Don't judge me. Ain't nobody judging you. No, I'm stuck. We were driven here from our hotel in an Uber. And our Uber... Are you going to... This is the thing I wanted to bring up backstage,

but I'm saving for now. Our Uber was driven by a Rastafarian guy. Yeah. Hi, I say, I say, bless I. And he was listening to really loud reggae music while we drove over. Was it that loud? Well, no, but it was loud enough for me to hear it.

And my question is, my question is, are there Rastafarians who are just like, I'm really more into Coldplay? Like, is that a thing? I think you can love the dogma and not the music. Do you think so? I think there's a lot of Christian music who, Christian people who don't listen to Bebe Mack. That's a bigger sample size. And like being a Rastafarian,

that's like a way bigger commitment. But like, are there like people who are like, I believe in the teachings of Hali Selassiei. However. Yeah. I can't stand Bob Marley. I think for sure. Lee Scratch Perry, get him the fuck out of here.

I don't care for it. I think for sure. Lee Scratch Perry, get him the fuck out of here. I don't care for it. I think for sure there are... I'd love to see it! I think for sure there are Rastafarians who don't fuck with Damien Tufkong Marley. I don't know. I think that's the intro. I think the big hook is you can listen to reggae and be like...

No, you don't start with the music and then reverse. You come to it for the weed. And then you reverse engineer that, is what I think. Yeah, for sure. You think every dude in Rastafari church? I don't know what they call it. I think they all dress up to the reggae. Every dude in a Rastafari session.

I don't think there's one Rastafarian who's really into Blink. I don't think there's one Rastafarian who's like really into Blink. I don't think there's any crossover. First of all, have you seen the dreads in California? There's plenty of white Rastafarians who are into Blink. That's incredibly fair. You got too excited and you wrecked my pyramid.

Yeah, Sean, you want to fucking fight about it or you want to be a professional and keep it moving? I don't want to fight at all. I'd rather talk about how this dude didn't have his seatbelt on. Oh, he didn't? I had a seatbelt on. That's what I thought you were going to... I had a seatbeltless driver earlier today, too. Man, you guys don't fuck with seatbelts. It was wild. We were riding around,

and the shit was dinging, and I was like, yo, you don't care so much. I respect you more now. Like, I was like, honestly, that's pretty cool, because I could tell on you. I could fucking... You're at work, dude. Just disobeying safety laws. And that's, like, pretty badass.

Like, I respect it. Jophiel, Jopper Vines. Now, we are gathered here in the Sinclair Theater not only to speculate on the musical taste of the Rastafarians, but also to fantasy draft something, which I will reveal to you right now.

As we are in Boston, Massachusetts, the most college-ass city in the country. For real. The most university-ed out city in the country. We are staying in Harvard. We're like staying right in the middle of Harvard. This venue's right in the middle of Harvard. We are staying in Harvard. We're like staying right in the middle of Harvard. This venue is right in the middle of Harvard. We are drafting freshman

year of college. Yeah! You guys are so... Everybody in here is so fucking sick. We're drafting that because that is the only year we can all relate to. Some of us...

Some of us dipped our feet in the bathtub. Some of us stayed on and got doctorates. Some of us dipped our feet in the bathtub. Some of us stayed on and got doctorates. Some of us only went one year and failed out. Some of us up here have a bachelor's degree in political science. Some of us

do, yes. Some of us do. I don't know who it is. Some of us have a degree. It could be any one of us do. You said I failed. I don't know who it is. It could be anyone. Some of us have a degree in something. It could be any one of us. Any one of us. Some of us did once graduate an alcohol class mandated by the court. I graduated one of those for sure.

But do you have a certificate? Because mine's on my fridge. You could go to the Carroll Institute and ask anyone that worked there. Went to school and decided I was finished. Oh, wait. Oh, you graduatedept to school and decided I was finished. Oh, wait. Oh, you graduated? No, I decided I was finished. Got to school.

Oh, wait. Oh, dropped out of school and started my own business. And they say, oh, you graduated? No, I decided I was finished. We got there. We got there. Yeah, that's kind of how I got out of school, too. Yeah, I just decided.

I definitely decided I was finished. Silence! God, come on, man. Sorry. I was decided I was finished. Silence! God, come on, man. Sorry. I was having a good time. Do that again. That was tight. You're doing it to me in front of my friends?

Silence! That was real fun. You try it. Hold on, hold on. Well, let's have a conversation. Me and you? Yeah. What are we talking about?

When was the last time you did a Christ Air 900? Dude, it's been a minute. Well, I broke my leg when I was a freshman in high school. Did a Christ Air 900 in Tony Hawk, Pro Skater, a whole bunch. I used to do them a bunch. Silence! It does feel cool. It does feel super cool.

Sean, you want to try it? Weren't you guys going to have a conversation about something? Sometimes I miss playing. Silence, I said. You're such an asshole. I didn't even let you start. You couldn't even let us get some banter going? That's not.

Didn't feel like it. God, man. Let the stew boil a little bit, bro. Don't say it so close to me. You just throw the potatoes in, man. I'm Irish. That's what we do. I'm in the right fucking city.

I'm thrilled about it. There we go. My people. Any Jews in the right fucking city. I'm thrilled about it. There we go. My people. Any Jews in the house? Yeah! Enough! You asked that because you're... Are you Jewish?

100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything. You guys know that? Fuck yeah. Man. Big time. Is that? You know Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe,

Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe,

Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe,

Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe, Mos Shipping off to Boston Whoa Yeah I listened to that fucking song So many times

Oh yeah That's what we were talking about So I flew I flew in Hopped to Red Eye I listened to that song I saw the city lights And I'm listening to it

With a huge grin on my face Everyone else on the plane Is sleeping And I'm just fucking Getting hyped I landed Bright eyed at the airport Four in the morning

Got hyped again Woke up to that song. When David called me, I was like, you know what? Fucking Dropkick Murphys again. On the way to the hotel, I listened to it probably five times in the lift. It was just sick. Drove right by fucking Fenway, kid. Right by fucking Fenway.

I was stoked. Right by where Kevin Malar fucking won us the World Fucking Series, kid. Man, I can't imagine how bad we sound. I was trying to do a Boston accent earlier, and Ian said it was anti-Semitic. That's how bad my Boston accent was. That was like the highlight of my day. He was like, ooh, ooh,

I hide coins in the Goyim's foreskins. That's what it was. He was like, oi, we control the banks. Ooh, ooh, ooh, we use Hollywood to further our agenda. Ooh. Oh, I live in Boston. Ooh.

It was just borderline anti-Semitic. You know, you're a real mensch, you know that? Ooh, I sand down my horns before I put the yarmulke on. Wait, is that one? Did you say you sand down your horns? Yeah, that's an older one, but yeah. People used to say you guys had horns? And tails.

Who said that? I don't know. Probably a bunch of Persians. Yeah. I was just kidding. Dickhead, you're going to say you're just excited? That only works for like 10 minutes. It works for the majority of my racism, to be honest.

I have famously, I've gotten along famously with the Persians, so I can't speak to that. I fucking, I rocked, from Shamim Zarababakandi. That's not a real word. Oh, yeah. Shamim Zarababakandi rocked high school parties in a yellow American Eagle button-up that he cut the sleeves off of.

That's pretty cool. And he was, you know, he was like, big 215, because he used to be really small, and he lifted weights and then got to 215 pounds, and he was proud of it. And, like, you know, I weighed, like, 330, so I was like, all right. Oh, yeah, big 215, bro.

I had a yellow button-up shirt that I did not cut the sleeves off. It was of the cross-colors variety. You tried to rock a yellow hoodie. You would look crazy in yellow. I did a subway commercial one time. No big deal. They gave me a yellow hoodie to wear

and I wore it out in the wild. This is how you know a true friend. Ian goes, yeah? I'm like, yeah, what do you think? He's like's like no and i never wore it again i gave it to zach that's what i love about ian that's how he gives you the heart like when ian's telling you not to do something or it's not a good call it's never like bro quit fucking up it's just like i don't think so you don't need another shot it was blowing out it was blowing your skin. It didn't compliment your eyes. You got these beautiful blue eyes.

You know what I mean? You got to fucking accentuate the positive. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, stop talking about my blue eyes. Definitely stop jacking me off. We are gathering here today to draft freshman year of college and the way we determine... Well, real quick, can I interject?

Are you going to do what I think you're going to do? He's going to cry. I don't think so. No, not yet. I was just going to say that I'm going to speak for myself personally that I might pull up somebody to make one of my picks for me. Oh yes! Oh yeah, I think we all are. I thought you were going to surprise with that.

Well, I want people to get, because that's kind of a dick move to be like, hey, come up here and be in front of everybody. Each one of us is going to pull up someone from the audience to make one of our picks. Yeah. If you want to come up. If you don't, we'll find someone else. But if you want to, if we choose you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're coming up. Jason Statham is in the building. Jason. And he's going to Krav Maga you up on the stage. He's going to call upon his, Did you see his bottle cap challenge? Yeah. He landed a little too like He landed a little too much of that at the end. Get the

fuck out of here. I could do it. If we had about an hour and a bunch of bottles I could do it. That's a taekwondo ass complaint. There we go. Everybody in the theater is like please don't do that. But yeah. I might. Well I'm saying everybody working here is like, no, it's just a lawsuit. Would you two shush the frick up?

I'll shush the frick. Shut up, David. Don't be like that. The way we determine the order of the draft is with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the two of you. I guess it is just the two of us. And we throw on shoot. Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! You motherfucker! You won! He won. Oh, no. That was me, like, burying my enemy. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you were really throwing against yourself, and Sean just happened to be there. I get it, yeah. I'm always playing myself. Sean's never there. David, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, is it incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft? But I will remind you, it is a serpentine

draft. And what does that mean? Great question. He's never going to get it. I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep trying to explain it to him. Let's say that you are on a red-eye last night. You're on a red-eye flight, and you're going through the movies, and you see Days to Confused, and then you see Karate Kid. You know you like both those movies. You know you've seen both

those movies a bunch. Why'd you spit something up right. You know you like both those movies. You know you've seen both those movies a bunch. Why did you spit something up right there? Because you're hilarious. You're a hilarious man. You start watching Dazed and Confused, and you're like, yeah, I sure do like this movie. Also like the Karate Kid. So you switch over, because you can do that.

Because you paid for the aisle seat. Not first class, but you paid for the aisle seat. So you're like, fuck it, I can do what I want. I don't think people confuse those two things. I sure did. Oh boy, am I in first class? Just one way. Whoa, look at all this room on my right side. So you start watching Karate Kid, and you're like,

fuck, this is a good movie. So is Dazed and Confused. So you want to go back to Dazed and Confused, but before you do that, you watch a little more of The Karate Kid because you like the end where he does the crane kick, which is really a chinning kick is what it's called if you're in taekwondo. And then you go back to Dazed and Confused

and you're like, man, this is a banger. This movie makes me want to party. I'm going to go, I'm going to have a fun couple weeks. I'm just going to party. Then you're like, man, The Karate Kid, though, it's got that cool scene that I forgot, the dirt bike scene where he's got the black eye and he's messing with Johnny.

But before you go back to The Karate Kid, you watch that part where Clint fights Adam Goldberg and you're like, man, people really do fight at parties. And then you go back and watch the Johnny scene and just kind of back and forth like that. Basically what it means is if you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Look at you! Third? I would have fucked that up hard.

Hell yeah. That's why you're the money man. More anti-Semitism from you You just calling me racist again? Because of the money man thing Oh I get it You see it now Shout out to the upper deck That's how you change the subject real quick

Why do you hate Jews? I love them. We're back. I was the first Jew he met. Anyway, David. I think he was for real. I was definitely the loudest. David, with that knowledge incoming upon your mind,

what will the order of today's draft be? Just for the record, you were like the sixth Jew I met. No big deal, dog. I'm going to go in order of the amount of college we went to. So I think it's going to have to be Ian Sean Davis. Nice. I went to more college

than you? I was in the town for a calendar for a school year. I was in college for a semester. You know, The Town is a movie they filmed in Boston. So, anyway. I didn't know that. PJ Ladd.

Anyway. Whose car are we taking? Is this a The Town joke? Yeah. This is the Not Fucking Around crew up here. So I'm first? Yeah, you're first. Still a hot corner, but hotter than I like to be.

But I'll take a hot corner anytime I can get it. All right. Well, with the first pick in the freshman year of college, All Fantasy Everything live at the Sinclair Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. Draft. We'll get to it in a second right after this short break. younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval

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That's one of my favorites. While we're here at the beginning of the episode, shout out to super producer Marissa. Seriously. Oh. Hold on. David's going to film it. Yeah, yeah Los Angeles. Hey, hey, hey. Oh. Hold on. I'm going to. David's going to film it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. David's going to take a quick video. We always send her an Instagram DM. On the count of three, we're going to say, we love you, Marissa. Okay? Oh, no. That's my face.

Okay. Tell us when you're ready. One, two, three. We love you, Marissa! Woo! Yeah! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Hi, Marissa. Marissa. I say, what's up, Marissa? How you living? Hey, girl. What's up? I read books. I read the fucking head gum in like a year and a half. I know. Well, the fortress, man. That's where it's at. With the first pick.

Uh-huh. In the freshman year of college, all fans say everything crap. This is only freshman year. Freshman year. Get that pen closer to my face. Because otherwise me and Sean do not know what you're talking about. Get out of here. Get out of here.

He's going to draw a mustache on me, I say. I'll put a stache on your stache, bro. Shut up. What the fuck? I like how I smell cologne. She's going to kiss your shoulder. I don't want it. Are you guys quite done?

Are you quite done? Truthfully, I can't call. I don't know. What's the first pick I take? Figuring out what your alcohol limits are. Oh! What did you think your alcohol limit was when you got to college? More than it was.

I don't know. Like nine beers. Like in high school, you know what I mean? You'd go to like a party and mostly it would be people with stolen beer and you'd be like, let me drink as many of these Mela High Life as I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or

there would be like one bottle of liquor but it'd be like weird liquor. Yeah. You know what I mean? You'd be like, dude, you can't drink the Sambucas. That's Jordan's. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, cool. So like, welcome to the party. We have, like, a bunch of Coors Light, and then there's some Bud Ice, and then...

Don't touch the Bacardi Rastix for my girl. Somebody took a bottle of hypnotic, and you'd be like, all right, cool. And you're like, okay, so I can have a lot of hypnotic and still be okay. You can. But in college, you would get yourself a bottle of something,

and you would work your way through it, and through trial and error, you would figure out where the line was. And I bring that up to bring up the fact that on my 19th birthday, someone, probably Nick Manpay, had gotten their filthy, filthy hands on a bottle of Everclear. Oh, shit. I have a question, though.

You know how California Everclear is not the regular Everclear? This was Oregon Everclear. Because we had the real stuff in Colorado, too. I don't know what the real, real stuff is, but I feel like Oregon got it. Yeah, for sure. They don't make you pump your, real stuff is, but I feel like Oregon got it. Yeah, for sure. They don't make you pump your own gas.

On account of where Oregon. And there were like six of us sitting in a circle on Nick's dorm room floor with a bottle of Everclear and a bottle of Fruitopia. Oh. Shout out to Fruitopia, though, man. Man, Fruitopia, weird out to Fruitopia though, man. Man, Fruitopia. Weird carbonated juice. Every time you drank Everclear it was like a moth flew into your face.

You know what I mean? You'd like take a shot and you'd be like I took a shot of Everclear at work one time to impress this girl. What was the job where you're like, I know what's going to happen. I was working overnights at the loaf and jug, if you must ask. I did.

Loaf and jug? What? Loaf and jug. It was like loaf and, it's a gas station in the West. Yeah. But I took a shot of Everclear at work, and like, not only did I get too drunk

for work, I did not impress her. I don't really know what I thought was going to happen. The same night Nicholas Nampay and I decided

to try Everclear, we ended up, there was like an anti-alcohol, not anti-alcohol, but like a, you know, we don't have to have

alcohol to have fun. Ask Dance somewhere on campus. They have dances at college? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And we but like, you know, we don't have to have alcohol to have fun. Ask Dance somewhere on campus. They have dances at college? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were like, let's go. And, uh... You don't get sloppier than the freshman, let's go to a sober... We never found it, but what we did

find was a sliding metal door that was covering the student's door inside like a building that Nick and I were like, should we pee on that? And we were like, yeah. You got to pee on that though.

And we peed on it. Just someone like, yeah, I get it. Me too. That was the strangest. I didn't need the whole room to clap, but everyone who did clap, that's like the Navy Seals of alcohol. You know what I mean?

That's a good... I was 20 when I went to college. Yeah. And I had been out of the house for like three, four years, so I knew how much I couldn't drink. I still pushed the bottle.

We had no idea. So, like, that was... And then that was it, by the way. We never drank Everclear again. Anytime when anyone was like, should we get Everclear? We were like, no. Why? You saw it happen last time.

No. The fact that we got away with it last time, that's enough. We did it. We won Everclear. Nobody wins Everclear. No, we won Everclear. You survived Everclear. No, we won it. We drank it and we didn't go to jail and we didn't get fucking MIPs.

We fucking won Everclear. I peed on a building and didn't go to jail and we didn't get fucking MIPs we fucking won Everclear damn it dude that is a I peed on a building and didn't go to jail are you kidding me that's pretty good we won Everclear

yeah anyway figuring out your alcohol limits and our limit was don't ever drink Everclear even if you have one bottle of Fritopia

Marissa says she loves Marissa says she loves you guys too. That's rad. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick in the freshman year of college all fantasy everything draft. Skipping class. Oh! That was the first time where I was like, wait, I

don't have to, oddly enough, it's when you're paying but you're like, I don't have to fucking go if I don't want to. That was your first time? You didn't skip school in high school? No, not really. But you were a crip. I was a crip in middle school. Silly me.

I skipped like study hall and things like that in high school. That's class. Nah. I'd skip like American history in college, stuff like that. Okay, it shows. And there was no consequences. I mean, the consequence was you not getting an education you paid for. Yeah, it shows. And there was no consequences. I mean, the consequence was you not getting an education you paid

for. Yeah, but this is way tighter. If I would have graduated college and not skipped all that class, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Now you don't know anything about the Teapot Dome scandal. And that's embarrassing, bro. I also, in fairness, do not know if that is made up. Is that when somebody got a blowy at the Boston Tea Party?

Don't come fucking look. Don't come fucking. Did you say Teapot Dome? The Teapot Dome scandal. Teapot Dome scandal? Yeah. I don't. It's like you're speaking another language.

Don't come scratching to my door. I don't fucking teach college. All right. I know that. The Teapot Dome scandal. Oh, yeah. We should start a band called that. Neither one of you knows anything about the Treaty of Tortosa.

You knew that! You knew that before we got here. Skipping class. It was a blast. Skipping class with no consequences. That was the thing. You didn't have to worry about getting in trouble. What would you skip class and do?

I don't want to get into it because that might be another pick. Oh, okay. I understand. Just skipping class. Scrimshaw. Scrimshaw is what it is. I'll blow another pick. Oh, okay. I understand. Just skipping class. Scrimshaw. Scrimshaw is what it is. I'll blow your pick.

He would whittle onto the ivory of a felled whale. Is that something you learned in class, nerd? Oh, skipping. I don't know what it is. No, I was... Anyway.

Yeah, skipping class. I didn't think you guys would be so bummed on it. No, nobody's bummed. No, I think it's good. I think it's crazy. You really didn't skip school in high school? Like study hall.

But I mean, that to me doesn't count. Like, I would skip real classes in college. We would skip everything in high school. So much skipping. The whole crew. One day, I pulled into Westview High School's parking lot in my truck. I don't need to tell you this because you know it inherently, but I did drive a Ford F-150 in high school.

Did you really? Oh, yeah. You don't know that? What color? Black. My man. Thick. And I pulled into the parking lot,

and our friend Walter was walking in, and our buddy, I think Nick was already, oh, no. So I pulled in, and I grabbed my buddy Nick, and I grabbed my buddy Mario, and I was already, oh no, so I pulled in and I grabbed my buddy Nick and I grabbed my buddy Mario and I was like, we're not going to school today. And they were like, you're right. And we all got in my truck and we were leaving and as we were leaving, our friend Walter was walking into school and we were like, Walter! He's like, what? And by the way, Walter ended up becoming like an army ranger. He was an Eagle Scout. He's a Republican.

You know what I mean? He's like, I know it sucks, but he's the kind of Republican where you're like, oh yeah, all right.

You know, you have that one friend where you're like, okay. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah.

Like your dad on account of, okay. You know, he's that kind of guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. He didn't say anything. That was awesome.

But they know, because we all feel it. And we're like, Walter! He's like, what? Nah! And he just ran and jumped in the back of the truck, and we went to Todai, which was the sushi buffet in Pioneer Place. And we just went there and we each, you know,

it was like $18 to go to the sushi buffet. All of us ate $47 worth of food. Yeah, you got to get your money back. Yeah. And then we just went and slept in a parking lot. Full off sushi when we could have been learning for free.

Dude, I skip so much. I remember, did you ever have friends who would check the attendance in high school? And you'd be like, Doopie, just mark that I was there. Say I was there. Like, just fucking say that. Oh, like they would do roll call or whatever? But my friends would take the, I always had friends who would take the attendance sheets out, like, because the teacher put it in the hall.

And I'd just have people mark me there. That's right. Because senior year, I didn't live at home, bro. I was never at school. I was just eating Belgian waffles at Village Inn. Smoking cigarettes inside like an adult. It's like a wholesome version of at pupil. I don't know what that is.

Where'd that go? Where'd that go? Where did that go? He got it! My hat's never coming down. That's up there, dude. Yeah, it's just, it's like that Bobby Shmurda hat.

Enjoy your hat, Adonai. All right. David Borey, you have the first pick in the freshman year college draft and the second one as it is.

That's Urban D. Draft. So this is my alma mater, Northwestern Oklahoma State University. Don't mean to brag. You're not. USD, playboy. I went there, and I went there like an idiot with no plan of how I was going to pay for it or anything. So I got a job at the Jiffy Trip, and that cup, it was another gas station.

Next to the Loaf and Jug. No, Loaf and Jug was in Colorado. I've worked at like six gas stations. Don't worry about it. I'm a real cool guy. Jugg's 87. I didn't have money for food because I wasn't on a meal plan. And it was like, you could sneak into the cafeteria for breakfast,

but it was super hard at lunch and dinner. So I had this friend named Sweet Lou who worked at Sonic. And Sweet Lou, after he got got off Sonic would just bring back like make your own Sonic burgers so he'd take all the leftover patties and like all the leftover Texas toast and then like a bunch of like bacon and shit like that

and he'd just have three fat bags and he would come to my dorm room and I would just smash dude because like I had so many different types of mustard and mayonnaises in my room. And he would bring that shit over. And I would just, so my first pick is Sweet Lou and his bag of Sonic. There is one and one only, David Borey.

But dude, you don't realize if you're so hungry, like, bro, if you're hungry, and then somebody's like, I have unlimited Sonic for you. It's water in the desert. Like, it feels so good. How are we just hearing this story now? We've known you for so long.

We don't ever talk about college. Yeah, true. I don't, it doesn't ever come up. My next pick is going to really shock you. So what? He just had a bag of salty meat and condiments. So they would give him basically all the shit they were going to throw out. He would steal, and then he would come to my room,

and me, him, Carlos De La Cruz, Kristen Null and Travis Compton would just fuck shit up for like two hours. But I would also... Somebody knew somebody who was selling weed in the dorm so he would get a bunch of weed for it. So anyways, that's my first pick.

Sweet Lou and his bag of Sonic. That's fucked up I was gonna take that next round That's why I got it first I knew I was like You gotta come out of the game with that I mean it's kind of a Herschel Walker pick

But it's alright Go line stalker My second pick Another thing we have never talked about before For one semester So I used to be a backup dancing for nella fatato right for the one semester i went i had a radio show what i did too did you really yeah in high school fuck you i had it in college okay but you know similar ages yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i had a

radio show that makes sense and like because i was like because when i went to college i was like what do i want to be scientist maybe not maybe not i always thought i could be super good at being on the radio yeah so i took mass com and i signed up for a radio show because nobody else wanted to do it and i would like just spaz out on people because i was like we were talking about this earlier. I was like 20, so I thought I was like into underground shit. So people would call in and they'd be like, play Soulja Boy. And I'd be like, I'm playing Lupe Fiasco. And that. Kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk.

Not like him. I played Lupe Fiasco in Jill Scott Daydreaming. Every single show. And away we go. And yeah, that was the funnest part. All I liked about college was working at Jiffy Trip. If you were worried that way, don't you worry about me. No, that's The Roots.

You got me. I know, but I feel like you played that. Yeah. I know. Because I thought I was smarter than I was back then. So people would be like, do you like Soulja Boy? And I'd be like, I like The Roots. Because I thought I was like, I was like, Tlaib Kweli is actually a great lyricist.

Kweli. And now at 32, I'm like, give me more MC Hammer. I want that dumb shit, dog. I'm an idiot. I had a cooking show in high school. You guys had radio shows. I'm just saying I had a show, too. It was a cooking show.

I've heard this before. It's called Chef Sean. Yeah, I know, I know. Wait, what? Just letting you know. Yeah, Sean had a cooking show in high school. Which is wild. I've only seen you cook the microwave.

I've never... And I hang out with you. Like, I love you. We're together. I think we're aware of each other's skills. Cooking, bless your heart. you like i love you we're together i think we're aware of each other's skills cooking not bless your heart the most culinary action i've seen him take is is putting hot sauce on lettuce and i swear i know i brought it up before but like sometimes i see you dip a wing in ranch and

blue cheese and i'm like damn sean's moving today oh yeah you living. Who groaned at that? Give it a shot. He's really doing it. Give it a shot. It's good. Wait, on like, what was it on? What? Oh, it was on Owl TV. So it was O'Gorman, Washington, Lincoln. And then there was a new high school

called Roosevelt. So they were going to change it to Rowell, but they didn't. So it was Owl TV and it was Chef Sean and I'd come out and I would cook like,

I would do, like cook SpaghettiOs and shit. That's not cooking. Keep talking about your radio show because I have to go pee and I'll be back in like, I would do like cook SpaghettiOs and shit. That's not cooking. Keep talking about your radio show because I have to go pee and I'll be back in like, I don't know,

one minute, 14 seconds. You should have maybe budgeted your time better. While Ian's here, I was going to keep talking about Chef Sean. Yeah. How long of an episode was it? So there were like four or five minute segments on OWL TV. There was one where I made fettuccine Alfredo.

Liar. I didn't make it out of scratch. Sorry, I got excited. I got excited. It was like one of those little baggies. It's like instant fettuccine. But I came out of the shower in a bathrobe. And I was like, today we're going to make fettuccine Alfredo.

You came out of the shower on your cooking show? Yeah. They never aired it. So I came out of the shower. I was like, hey, what's up? Today we're going to make fettuccine alfredo. You came out of the shower on your cooking show? Yeah. They never aired it. So I came out of the shower. I was like, hey, what's up? Today we're going to make fettuccine alfredo. And then I sauntered over to the kitchen. I was trying to be real sexy.

But I was like 17. No, that's fair. It is a sexy dish. Sounds sexy. If you would have gone to me at 17 years old and been like, what's the sexiest food? I would have said fettuccine alfredo. Like 100%. What if that was your nickname? Fettuccine alo. Like, 100%. Like, what if that was

your nickname? Fettuccine Alfredo. I made a campaign for it. Nobody bit. I made a hard campaign to call me Fettuccine A. Fettuccine A? Yeah. It's too long. It's too many syllables. Yeah, dude. They wouldn't air that. I cooked SpaghettiOs one time.

That was about it. I was just really happy about it. It was before the internet, though, and I wish it was around. It'd be so fun to see fucking 17-year-old me coming out of the shower. My version of what I thought a sexy voice was. I'm going to cook for Shady Alfredo. You're going to get so hard. You do strike me as like a squeaky voice freshman.

Did you have a bad voice? I don't know if I did. I still think I have kind of a weird voice. It's nasally. I like your voice. I appreciate it. I like yours. I like your voice better than mine.

I like your voice better. I like your voice and so does Comedy Central. Hey, you know what I mean? Oh, come on. This guy. Come on. Come on. This is a pleasure trip.

We don't need to talk about business. Don't you guys trip out when you hear that? Watch my Comedy Central half hour dropping this fall. That's just wild. All right, so what do you pick? You host a radio show? That's the whole thing? Yeah, Sweet Lou and his bag of Sonic.

Don't say that's the whole thing. No, no, no. I didn't mean to diminish it. I just mean that's what I write down. Man, I was not there for a long time. Hosting a radio show. Yeah, yeah. And then Sweet Lou, bag of Sonic. I got it, I got it, I got it. Do, I was there, not there for a long time. Hosting a radio show. Yeah, yeah. And then Sweet Lou bag of socks.

I got it, I got it, I got it. Okay. Do you need me to spell Sweet Lou? Yeah, I'd love you to spell it. Is it spelled differently than we think? Three E's. L-O-U-X or something? Sweet Lou.

S-W-E-E-E-T-L-O-U-X. No, I had it. Yeah. He was French. Sean, time to give you your second pick. My second pick, man, David just went nuts. So I'm going to pick, I'm just going to pick parties. Can I do that?

Can I pick parties? How about this? Parties at your own place. Because I lived off campus. Hosting parties. Yeah, I lived off campus. So I was going to have. You lived off campus?

Uh-huh. Because he was 30. I lived with my mom. I lived with my mom. Nobody wanted to go. You want to go party at Sean's house? No, I think that dude has a kid. No, that was the first time I lived out of the house and I

was 20, so we just got a house because I didn't have to live in the dorm. I was 22 when I went to college and I felt super old. I didn't. They were like, we're going to get drunk on a yeah. I was 22 when I went to college and I felt super old. I didn't. They were like, we're going to get drunk on a Tuesday. And I was like,

I have responsibilities. No, you didn't. No, not at all. Loaf and Jug was going to be just fine. I mean, when was the last time you saw a Loaf and Jug?

It's been a minute. Exactly. They have Get and Go and Come and Go in Sioux Falls. Oh, Come and Go is the same company, though. We were under the Come and Go umbrella.

Do you know that? Come and Go is the name of this gas station in Sioux Falls. With a K, right? With a K. It's classy. They got hip to the game, and they started making fucking flasks and everything. It was wild.

I have a Come and Go lighter at my house. I used it to smoke reefer not three days ago. Yes, hosting your own parties at your own house. Walk me through one of your house parties. Like a Sean Jordan joint. Just a bunch of skateboarders who lived in Sioux Falls that would come down and we'd all just throw down at my crib, drink 40s. There, alright. There was

one time we were shooting a bow and arrow from the kitchen to the living room. And then you killed that drifter. No, we would stand, so my roommate Phil, he was like a hunter and he would stand in the kitchen. No, we would stand. So my roommate, Phil, he was like a hunter. And he would stand in the kitchen. Wait, wait.

What? My roommate, Phil, he was a hunter. And gatherer? He was just one of those hunting dudes. Okay. I'll take that. I don't know why I got so upset. Yeah.

I don't either. That's fair. He was standing in the kitchen and he would fucking take his bow and arrow out and shoot it into the living room. It was wild. And then one day, I was actually sitting at the crib during the day

and Phil was in the kitchen. He didn't know I was home and I was just sitting there watching like Top Gun and an arrow went right past my eyes into the wall and I was just like, what the fuck?

I leaned over. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. He had no idea that I was home. But if I would have stood up, it would have been like that Steve,

like one of those Steve Martin hats, but for real. It would have been just like through my head. You mean he would have killed you? Yeah, he would have killed me. Your friend would have murdered you. Is that just? Yeah.

This is more college shit than like freshman year shit, but whatever. Well, I mean, I only had like my freshman year. The fact that you had your own spot freshman year is insane. That's crazy. We had crazy shit once we moved into our own house, but it was not freshman year. We had a

beehive in our front porch. That is not what I thought you were going to say. When you were like, we had crazy shit. Honestly, in my head, I was like, I bet they had a chocolate fountain. We did have crazy shit, but did have crazy, I was like, honestly, in my head, I was like, I bet they had a chocolate fountain. We did have crazy shit, but we had like,

here's like an example of some innocuous shit. Like, we had a beehive in our front porch and like, a lot of the time, Nick Manpay,

again, not in the building. He's gonna come up a bunch. He's gonna come up a lot, but he decided that it was his job to end the beehive. And this was before

we knew what we know about beehives. You were young in the beehive game. This was before global warming. He duct taped up the hole. All on the bottom? And shot a BB gun in there. Those are both smart ideas. Those are both smart ideas. Those are both smart ideas.

He put on like oven mitts and a welder's mask and like what? And he just shot it a bunch of times? Yeah, that's what I don't understand. He killed so many bees and we were like, you didn't kill enough bees. They're going to come back and they did. First of all, you can never shoot all the bees.

No! I learned that early. You can't shoot all the, there's other ways, but you can't shoot them all. Anyway, Nampay was fucking wilding out on that shit. He still is. Airsoft? Yeah, BB guns. Straight up BB. No CO2?

Like a pump? Daisy? I don't know, man. I was deep into BB guns. I can't get into the details. If you can't tell. I would have called that. If you want to also... I mean, if we're getting to the point where we're, like, hosting parties,

this was more sophomore, junior year, but, like, one of our friends worked at a beer distributorship. So we got beer for hella cheap. So we had this massive, like, beer pyramid in our kitchen. A pyramid, if you will. A pyramid. I will. I will. I will. You should. This pyramid, if you will. A pyramid. I will. I will.

I will. You should. This was in Portland, Oregon, so we asked all these bands to play in our basement, so it was this band called The Newspapers. Starfucker played in our basement.

A couple of Sioux Falls boys in there. So we had a show in our basement where Starfucker played, and then just like 400 random Portland youths came to our house.

And I was like, so I was drinking Seagram 7 and 7. That was the pitcher. That was a classy drink when you were 18. Out of a Brita water filter pitcher. I was like, I have a Brita water filter pitcher. And they're putting 7 and 7 in it. Did you pour the Seagrams through the filter? You know this story.

No. Okay, okay. And I was just drinking it and then at one point I fell down the stairs to the basement where the bands were playing and scraped my forehead

so I was bleeding out of my forehead and then the cops came because of course. Scraped! You sprained your forehead. Scraped. Scraped.

Oh, I thought you said you sprained it. No, no, no, no. Scraped it. All right, keep going. I twisted my forehead. So I'm bleeding from my forehead, and the police come, and one of my roommates is like, the police and our landlord are here. And I'm like, I'll take care of it.

I don't have a shirt. Do you have a shirt on? I was just going to say, do you have a shirt? I don't have a shirt or enough skin on my forehead at this point. And I go out and talk to him. And I'm like, well, we'll break it up. Yeah, we'll break it. Totally, fine.

And then our landlord leaves and the police leave. And I get so mad at our landlord that I'm like, I'm going to go to his house and confront him. So I start running down the street towards, not even kind, like only vaguely towards our landlord's house. And the

nan pay runs after me. He's like, hey, you have a bunch of imitation crab in the fridge. And I'm like, oh yeah, let's go home. Man, that's the only thing that could have stopped that train. Save the landlord's life that night.

How much imitation crab was it? Just enough. Also, you were buying imitation crab at 20? Yeah, Winco, dog. Winco changed lives. I've never bought it once. I'm 32 years old. It never even crossed my mind.

What's the difference between me and you? Two pre-Kims. It was a DMX lyric from earlier. Sorry. So hosting parties. Yeah, hosting parties at your own place. Cool. I never did that as a freshman, but I believe you.

I did. It's time for my second and third picks, as it is. The serpentine wrath. So my second pick for freshman year of college, is going to be taking one class that was way too advanced for you. Yeah, I remember doing that. I was like, oh. What was your class?

I was like, oh. Just taking the one. That was like. Tell the one you, oh. Just taking the one. That was like... Tell the one you took. I'll tell the one I took. I took this advanced political science class. Political science class. Advanced.

It was like 453 that was like advanced civilizations in a future context or something like that. I don't even remember the exact name of it, but I remember writing a paper where I got like a good grade where it was like, at some point, we'll all just be living in,

you know what it was like? There's a movie that came out that would, anyway, we're all going to be living in advanced cities that are just like massive tanks that roll along with civilized... Mortal Engines! Oh, yeah, Mortal Engines.

Yeah, I basically wrote a paper that was like, life is going to be like Mortal Engines, except I didn't know what Mortal Engines was. And they were like, yeah, probably. And I was like, thank you. No, I get it, because I took a basic math skills course.

Oh, yeah. Same thing. A lot of geometry. A lot of geometry. A lot of geometry. I just took this insane poly, because, like, I could for some reason. I signed up for all these,

like, basic classes, and I was like, could I get into this? And they let me into it. So I was sitting in there with all these 23-year-olds who was like me and a bunch of people

in, like, old Navy button-ups, you know? Man, I had a lot of Old Navy button-ups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was that guy. When you were 22, though, right? Oh, yeah, when he was a freshman.

I was barely 19. I took methods of psychology, I think, when I was a freshman. And that was one that they had to have screwed up to let me take. There's no way that I should have been able to take it. They don't know you. You just write your name down.

Well, don't you have to be able to like... They weren't like, oh, this fucking idiot. Get him out of here. Don't you have to have like a certain... They didn't check your SATs. You just fucking... Because you were in like AP classes and stuff, I assume, right? Yeah.

I was not. So to let me take a level of psychology like that was insane. Yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I mean, there were certain classes that didn't have prerequisites. That's the thing. There would be a 400-level class that did not have prerequisites,

and you could sneak in there. I think that's what I did. It was fun. I did, too. I learned nothing. No. Me neither. I kind of did.

Not really. I think I had, like, learned nothing. No. Me neither. I kind of did. Not really. I think I had like a personal living class. Like how to balance a checkbook? Yeah, it was called Ranger Connection. So, you know, I don't relate to that particularly, but other ones, other ones, other ones. I was on campus. I was in the quad.

I can't believe the three of us are drafting. Could I also, could I order a double tequila soda on stage? If you guys, are you going to order a drink too? I'm right where I need to be. I'm all right for the moment. I don't mean that to you. Well, now I feel like I asked you. No, no, no.

I drank a lot more than you backstage. You get another drink. Okay, yeah. Could I have a triple tequila? If I have any more to drink, I'm going to start drafting like fucking old Portland Trailblazers players. I'm just going to be like,

darn hell, Valentine. Why fuck you? I like your nose. I'm just going to be like, darn hell, Valentine. Why? Fuck you. I like your nose. I wish your whole face was your nose. There it is. Whoa, Jesus on three. Whoa, Jesus.

So yeah yeah advanced classes And I'm going to take my third pick Okay And I don't know if this was just me freshman year Or if this was everybody But for God's sake it was me to the T Sleeping weird hours Yeah yeah

Weird hours I think my time that I woke up normally I think I covered every spot on the 24 hour clock where I was like yeah I just wake up at 6pm yeah cause you're like all of a sudden you have all the freedom in the world so I was like

okay I wake up at 6 I wake up at 7 I wake up at 8 you can see where this is going I'm sleeping in I'm waking up at noon wait did you have like a mixed schedule I had classes when I had classes

I didn't go to all of them right but there came a point if I had classes that were from like and I swear to god this is true if I had classes that were like 10am noon and 2, that I would wake up at like 6 p.m. and just stay awake through those classes.

That is so dark. Dog, I went all the way around the clock. And it seems dark, but it wasn't at the time. I was just like, let's see. You were just at the time. I was just like, let's see. You were just pushing the boundaries. Because from 84 to here, it's been on Sue Carmel's watch.

And I know she knows what's best for her. But does she know what's best for me? She did. She did know. She knew. She understood herself. To this day, she's still right. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel, by the way. Yeah, seriously.

She didn't FaceTime us before the show. I feel like I didn't get my mojo. Oh, let me see if she'll do it now. Yeah. My mom also told me to call her after the show because Betsy's here. I might give her a ring. She's up.

Yeah. Kelly Jordan does not have FaceTime. She is not in the condition for FaceTime, as it were. But she doesn't really press the issue. She's really not even a phone call person. You don't even call... Oh, man.

She's a texter. I FaceTime my mom on the regular. I know. You've got it on the couch. I FaceTime my mom looking like a... That's what I look like? Yeah.

I mean, right now. I look like a man in a marzipan. I'm so shiny. That is usually. Spot lights up here. She's probably at work. She's not going to answer.

Oh, yeah. She's a night... Could I truthfully get that tequila, though? He does need that tequila. Alright, your second pick. Yeah, keep going. Third pick. My second... Shut up, Sean. Yeah, I took

more advanced classes. No? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More advanced classes than you were ready for. Sean? I'm going to pick eating in class. What the fuck? What's wrong with that? We didn't get to do that in high school.

We got to do it as a freshman. What were you eating? I don't know. What was the first time you had freedom to do that? I know what you were eating. You were eating walking tacos. You were eating chili and cheese and a Fritos bag. You could just bring in breakfast.

It was like a fun, cool thing to do. You could just eat in class like a grown-up. Nobody likes that. That's what grown-ups do? I didn't know. I was only 20. I bet you were eating shit. Damn.

My best friend. Sorry, dude. I apologize. Seriously, that was a big deal for me. You were very excited about eating in school. Yeah. You never ate in school before. Never.

Nobody made a run to the fucking student store for Laffy Taffy. And you and four friends celebrated like sultans with Laffy Taffy. We were like, how many do we have? 30. Like that? No. Oh, we did. We never ate in class.

They wouldn't let us. They wouldn't let us have food or anything in class ever. And when I was in college, you could just bring shit in. It was awesome. I really thought that'd go over better.

I apologize. What were you eating freshman year? What were the foods? It got a little more advanced, but it started with like Pop-Tarts and stuff that it turned into like Subway.

It'd be like a Subway breakfast sandwich. Pay us a picture. What kind of Subway? When they had those Subway breakfast sandwiches, I'm so nervous. I didn't think everyone was going to freak out like this. Were you a flatbread guy? Yeah. Well, they had those flatbread breakfast sandwiches. They had like sausage. Look at that, dude. Shiklakini and

Boudoussi, arms crossed. They hate it. They hate it. They hate your place. Hey! There we go. Hey! Yeah we go. Hey! Yeah! What a king. Man. Thank you, friend.

Thank you, friend. We love you! Thanks for taking the heat off me. There's a hat for you, huh? An extremely fit dude brought David a drink. Hell yeah. Please put that on the tab under Jordan. Shonj. Yeah, Jesus.

Eating in class. I really didn't think that would bomb so hard. I apologize. No, it's good. It was good. I never really did eat in class, if I'm being honest. That was like, it was just part of the whole feeling like you were, like you didn't have to answer to anybody.

Like the teachers couldn't tell you what to do. That was just a huge part of it for me. Because you were also a grown-up. I was 20. We both vote, Donna. And I vote that I'm going to eat while you lecture. I'm not going to stop eating this penne a la cote. Okay.

Must have learned that in the later years of college. Just bring in like a fucking bowl of spaghetti. Don't get mad at me that you're doing Atkins. That's not my fault. Eating in class. Eating in class is a pick. It's the little things for me. Dude, I picked sweet,

blue, and sonic. Don't worry. You're doing great. You're beautiful. Thank you. Eating in class. Okay, Sean, you made your bad pick.

David, time for your third. See that? It's going to sit with me all night. It shouldn't. It shouldn't. You'll be fine. You'll be great. It really is.

My third pick, I went to school in Oklahoma, which is, you know, a house case. Swithley down the plains. Yeah, we got some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got some show tunes. I went to school in Oklahoma. Here's the thing about Oklahoma. They don't sell regular beer.

They only sell 3.2% beer. You can buy 6% beer, but it's in a liquor store that closes at 5 p.m., and you could only buy six packs. But I was on the panhandle in Alva, so I was close to the border, so my third pick is 6% beer from Kansas. That was, yo, that shit was, that shit was the best. Like, it was,

saved my shit. Because listen, I'm gonna have to call some audibles here. I'm a big fella. I drink a lot of beers anyways. 3-2, I will pee the bed.

I just will. I just will. That's the fact. Because we drink 3-2, and I remember we used to keep tabs in our pocket. That was the fun thing. Like,

then you wake up in the morning and put all your beer tabs oh yeah i'd wake up in the morning and it'd be like oh i drink 74 beers i remember that no wonder i woke up swimming in a fucking fish tank of a dorm room like i peed my pants so much so that shit was like super clutch it was super clutch because it was like we would go to Kiowa, Kansas, and it was like 25 minutes away. And yeah, I would go. We'd buy kegs from Kansas. 6% beer from Kansas.

Saved my fucking freshman year, man. I mean, they sold us Everclear in Oregon. I have nothing. No, you guys were smart. And 32 beer is for who? I've never... For fucking who? Who is this for?

Utah is the only place I've ever seen it. It's for like guys going to their kids' t-ball game. It's beer, dog! You can't handle one regular beer? No, it's for like, I don't have custody, but I'm making an effort. I cut it down. You know what I mean? No, it's for like, I don't have custody, but I'm making an effort. I cut it down. You know what I mean? Where they're like, they're sitting in the Ford F-350.

Pardon me, F-250 before the game. And they're like, well, all right. Well, God damn it. Man, that's a beautiful romantic story. But on the streets in real time, 3-2 beer is bullshit. What do you think I am? I stay on the streets. But that's 3-2 beer is bullshit. Where do you think I am? I stay on the streets. But that's a romance story about

having children and whatnot. When I was 20, no kids. I worked for CBS. All I can write are romance stories. All I can do is glorify this great nation via the lens of the Tiffany Network. What?

6% beer from Kansas. I loved it. It really saved my life a bunch of times. You're right. This is wild. Y tambien? So, I don't know. Also, some of you guys

may know from listening to the podcast, some of you guys may know from looking at me. All fantasy, everything. Some of you guys may know from giving me the podcast, some of you guys may know from looking at me. All fantasy, everything. Some of you guys may know from giving me a hug when we take a picture after the show. I love smoking marijuana. I just... It's just my... It's just what I do.

Pussy, pussy, pussy marijuana. At the time, it was, like, shitty. There was dirt weed in Oklahoma. It was terrible weed. But I linked up with this dude named Freak and this dude named Randall. They had Freak Randall weed. Did they know each other?

They knew each other tangentially, but they were both from Dallas. And at the time, everybody in Dallas was smoking a type of weed called popcorn. So I'm picking popcorn weed from Dallas. Because it, like, got me, like, it got me through. I didn't know we could do this.

Freak was, like, an asshole. So sometimes, like, we got into it because one time he sold me a quarter that was for sure not popcorn. But Randall was strong the whole nine months I was there. Randall was trustworthy. Freak, he also kind of, he stole, but he cut my hair so it was this weird thing like. So he'd be like, yo, do you need a haircut? And I'd be like, bro, I don't want you to come to my dorm room. Because I have a bunch of new fitteds in here.

But I will go to your off-campus house and let you cut my hair. All of a sudden, your Scarface poster is on another wall. Yo, I didn't have any posters either. My shit was because I was like, I was homeless a year before I went to college, so literally I went to college with my clothing.

Dog, I was poster rich. What? Give me your top five posters in your dorm room. I had Kenny from South Park sitting on a toilet with a note that said, please excuse Kenny, he has explosive diarrhea.

Spell diarrhea one time? Let's hear it. I had a Rage Against the Machine poster. That was five nuns holding five guns. I had a Beatles poster that was them towards the end of it. It was definitely towards the end of it.

They all had long hair. They were all kind of looking like this. And then from my roommate, I had a roommate freshman year for like a month. And then he dropped out because he was doing really hard drugs. But he left a leftover salmon poster in our room. A what?

Leftover salmon. Is that a band? It's like a local Pacific Northwest jam band. So it's like, if the string cheese ends in... Is it like leftover crack but not as good? Yeah, so like, if the string cheese incident... Is it like Leftover Crack but not as good? Yeah, so like, no, Leftover Crack fucking throttles, dude. I love them.

But like, if you have like, Grateful Dead cover band, and opening for them is the string cheese incident, and opening the whole thing and only in Eugene, Oregon is a band called Leftover Salmon. And yeah, we had their poster up.

Might as well be speaking Greek to me. I don't understand that breakdown of things you just said. I made it a fairly clear picture. See, I didn't have, so I had, in my dorm room, I had my clothing and then I had a TV that I got it a fairly clear picture. See, I didn't have, so I had, in my dorm room, I had my clothing, and then I had a TV that I got at a garage sale the week before I went to college. And I was like, man, I am saucing.

I was like driving up to college. I was like, dude, nobody has got a TV in their shit. You think they got a TV in their shit? And then I got to college, and people, some people have rich parents. They had TVs in their shit. Yo, they had recliners. They had recliners. They had real beds, dude.

I was like, Nick's roommate was from this neighborhood called Lake Oswego in Oregon, and he had like a big TV. Some Lake Ophir? Yeah, boo, exactly, yeah. Westview alumni knows, even though we're also from an upper middle class neighborhood Yeah, me and Sean are too though

We know enough to boo the upper upper middle class neighborhood We're like boo! We're from upper middle class I think so Wait, you really think so? That's not You're from a white ghetto You've said it before

You are from a white ghetto Like 100% Sean! One of these days you guys will see Sean! Yes, Ian You're from a white ghetto. You've said it before. You are from a white ghetto. Like 100%. Sean? One of these days, you guys will see. Sean! Yes, Ian. It's time for your fourth pick, Bubby. Now, what I'm going to do, I'm going to please, I'm going to call somebody from the crowd.

Oh, yeah. I thought we were all going to do that on the fifth pick. He's doing it on the fourth pick. I don't know. Let him go. We can do it on the fifth if you want. Paint Picasso the paintbrush. If you take Boudassi, I'm going to kill you.

Paint Picasso the paintbrush? Paint Picasso the paintbrush. If you take Boudassi, I'm going to kill you. Paint Picasso the paintbrush? Pass Picasso the paintbrush. Sean, whatever you want to do, Bubby. Yeah, all right. So you know what I'm pointing at, obviously. Do you have a pick for freshman year of college? Hold on. I apologize.

I don't think that's the guy. I was pointing at the dude with the shirt of me drinking a 40 on it. Oh! Bye. Wow. Do you have a pick for freshman year of college? Oh, he's me drinking a 40 on it. Oh! Bye. Wow. Do you have a pick for freshman year college? Oh, you've got to go to the side. Go that way.

Go that way. They'll bring you up. I'll sing a song in the meantime. Oh, he said to stage right. There used to be a grand castle alone on the gray. You became the light on the dark side of me. But did you know that when it snows, your eyes become white and the light that you shine can be seen?

David, and I could pay you to a kiss from a rose. Ooh! Pretty good, right? All right, all right, all right. They bought tickets to come do that. Every show. All right. First of all, what's your name? Mike.

Mike. That's a fake name. So in case you guys didn't notice, Mike is wearing a shirt. This shirt is me drinking a 40 in my old garage, and it's amazing looking. I'm thrilled about it. It is a great shirt. This shirt is me drinking a 40 in my old garage, and it's amazing looking. I'm thrilled about it. It is a great shirt. Yeah, I just, I look somehow not like a piece of shit slamming a 40 in my garage.

I agree to disagree. Boy, oh boy. The odds that someone makes a T-shirt with you drinking a 40. And then on the back, I'm in mesh shorts and zip up in like a blanket looking like a wizard, and it says So Buck on it. Yeah. Now, Mike, if you would, please, if you would make my fourth pick for me, I'm going to hand you this microphone.

I mean, just before you do, the idea that someone both made that T-shirt and has been to college is crazy to me. But. Oh, so I throw a hat? Oh, yeah, go ahead. Yeah, fuck it. Throw it. Sinclair. That was a good throw, too.

That was a good throw. Yeah, go for it. He's light. Oh, so I wanted to be funny, but my pick is just playing Madden. Yeah! Oh, shit. Yeah.

Wait. Here. Mike, grab this mic. Yeah. Wait. Here. Mike, grab this mic. Talk about it a little bit. What years were you in college? QB vision years? It doesn't matter what years. He's right.

It was one year. It was one year. My man. I did one year. Dog, sit down. Sit down. It was like... It was 2004 Redskins.

2004 Redskins? Oh, yeah. Clay Importus. Okay. Oh, man. That was right after he left Denver. I was hot. I refused to fucking play with that team.

For those of you who don't know... Where you from? Where you from? I'm from Elizabeth, Colorado, baby. 646. What's up? For those of you who don't know, men of a certain age, our age, which is I'm 34. I'm 37.

I'm 37. I'm 37. I'm 37. In this range, probably all the way till, you know, I don't know, 26. When Madden comes out, we buy it, and then we play each other at it. And then we take all of this burdened up, like, just built up masculine energy that like in other in other generations would have been used to probably fight a war put your shirt back on and then we use it on Madden

that's true you have to be nice the first week we used to do me and my buddy Nick Nampay and some of our other buddies we had like a season thing going where not only would we play the games, but we would do free agent signings.

Yeah, yeah. And me and my friend Nate got into a literal fist fight over Michael Vick. That's a good, that's worth fighting for. We kept like going, we kept like outbidding each other and then at one point, we both stood up,

and I grabbed him and threw him over a coffee table, and he was like, what the fuck? And I'm like, I don't know! I don't know! You're right! I shouldn't have done that! And then we figured it out but like it did get there

Hit Stick changed the trajectory of my life for God's sake Mike that was my that was the best pick that was a great pick Mike guys thank you thank you so much Mike

show them the back one more time show them the back one more time hey there it is clap it up for Mikey okay

nice that worked out really well Madden dude Madden was for real should have been calling people up the whole time Mikey. Okay. Nice. That worked out really well. Madden, dude. Should have been calling people up the whole time. Both Madden and college football until they lost the licensing. Yeah, I like NCAA better because you can run the option. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could be Marcus Vic.

You know about it. All right. Time for my fourth and then final picks, as it is. As Urban Teen Draft picks as it is as urban danger as it is I guess we're doing it with my fourth pick I gotta go to the crowd I gotta go to the fucking crowd alright there's two women up there there's one to the left in a white

shirt who you're waving hard I see you you know it's you come on up it's gonna take a second yeah yeah sing sing for us. Sing. Time can never mend the careless whispers

of a good friend. Hello. Hi. What's your name? My name's Heather. Heather, it's incumbent upon you to make the next pick in the freshman year of college All Fantasy Everything draft.

Thank you for coming up. Cool Vans. Thank you. Okay, my pick? Take the mic. It might be controversial, but my pick is... Yeah, get in here. My pick is Losing Your Virginity.

Duh! Woo! Heather. My pick is losing your virginity. Heather, holy buckets. Is that allowed to say? Everything's allowed. Yeah, of course it's allowed. Steven picked fucking a bag of Sonic fast food. Don't talk about what I'm doing. Don't worry about what I'm doing.

He didn't pick fucking it. He fucking picked that is what I meant to say. It's because I knocked that shit out sophomore year, dog. You decide how far you want to dive in on this. But so, I assume that you lost your virginity when you were a freshman. Yes. In college. Yeah, good assumption, Sean.

This is my first day. I don't know how to do this. I'm asking real questions. What was his name? His name was Arthur. Oh, boy. Is he here? No.

That would have been awesome. Yeah, they got married. That's what happens. Secondly, if you don't mind my asking, where was it? So it was actually in a blanket fort that we made in our dorm room. It was very cute. First of all, say shout out to Arthur for making that work.

That rules. A blanket fort in the dorm room. Was it his first time? No. Third? I didn't ask. That's fair. That's not a question you can ask. Whose dorm room?

So it was our dorm room. My roommates and I made the fort, and then he came over, and he did my virginity. Arthur, come on over. I have the fort. The fort's already made, so don't worry about it. It was the end of the year. We were making it as a cute thing in the dorm. That is a cute thing in the dorm.

And then he and I were alone in the space. I would hope so. We made a fort. Were your roommates outside of the dorm? Teared seating and everyone just watched it happen. Were your roommates outside of the fort? No. They were not on the primaries.

Good call. They were very gone. Okay. One final question once again. You do not have to ask. Answer. Post. Oh have to ask. Answer. Post, oh yeah. Okay, somebody went to two years of college. Triple tequila soda he needed. There was that triple right there.

Next question. Post coitus. Once again, you do not have to answer. David. Did it smell like badussy? Where is Ian? God, that would have been funny for him to hear. I have to ask,

because the first time you don't know what Badoosie smells like, you're like, did somebody leave the Crock-Pot open? And then... In a dorm room? You show me the Crock-Pot in a dorm room. People have Crock-Pots in dorm rooms? Not everybody's poor like me and you.

I know, you don't have to answer that. It is sweet. Do you still keep in contact with Arthur? That's what I was going to ask. No. All right. Okay, one final question. This is my last one.

Post-coitus, did Arthur say, hey, what a wonderful kind of day where we could learn to work and play and get along with each other. Every day when you're walking down the street, everybody that you meet has an original point of view. And I said, hey, what a wonderful kind of day where we could learn to work and play and get along with each other. But you didn't have to sing that.

And it didn't have to smell like Badoozy. I'm glad you lost it. It seems sweet. It was a nice time for you? Yes. Cool.

Hell yeah. Congratulations. Thank you so much. That was fucking fantastic. Heather, everybody. Thank you. Man. On the real, though, it smelled like Badoozy. Thank you. Man. On the real, though, it smelled like Badoozy.

I had a... No! I guess so. I'm a freshman just eating food in class, and some other people are doing it. I guess I needed to... Yeah, that's because you did it in eighth grade, you heathen. A lot of people wait for love or blanket forts. You were just like...

No, high school... I can't believe how beautiful people listen to our podcast, too. That's amazing. I can't believe anybody who's not exactly us listens. I know. We do it. And the funny thing is, I go to your house to do it, and we do it, and I don't really pay attention. I don't look at the numbers ever.

So when other people listen to it, I'm like, oh, where did you listen to that thing I do with my friends? Idiot. And you get mad. You're like, what? That shit's two hours. There are a lot of great podcasts. Anyways. Losing a V. I lost my V. I lost my V senior year of high school, but not in a fun, not in a great way.

Not in a fort? A, not in a fort, but also... A fort tourist? Listen, you know? Also, just like in a fort, but also... A fort tourist? Listen, you know? Also, just like in a real, like, we're having sex now. And she was like, yep. And I'm like... Kind of way, you know?

And then she got off and it was like, all right, your mom will probably be home soon. I'm going to get out of this apartment. I lost my virginity in Cody Hockaday's basement, and I was sketched out because I was grounded at the time, but I was like, fucking worth it, bro. Like, then I snuck out. I was more excited that I snuck out and made it happen.

We decided, this is the 2003-est ass thing you've ever heard. But we were listening to Jurassic 5. What's golden? Hell yeah. No, it would have been. I'll tell you what's golden. We were blasting Jurassic 5, and it was like, it's time to go.

That was the soundtrack to your virginity? Yeah. This fucking pervert. We'd be the crew. I've never watched her Jurassic 5 in my life. The J-U-R-A-C-E. We're in the place to be. Jurassic 5.

That was some Jurassic 5 I was laughing. Shush. We all get to do it now. It's okay. Shush. Do what? Shush. Anyways.

Whoa. Boys, boys, boys. Boys, boys, boys. Time for my final pick gotta learn to read first that's the final pick I got a lot of them you do have a lot of them for god's sake I really do

you always write them down I never write my shit down I'm like Jay Z in that way you're like Jay ZZ in that way. You're like Jay-Z in a lot of ways. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. Tell me if this is too broad, because if it is, I will retract it.

But my favorite thing about freshman year of college was just getting fucking weird, man. Yeah, that's fine. You gotta explain it, man. I will explain it. I'll happily explain it. That's my favorite thing about having a townhome in the Valley. You're a Lee's D. I got fucking weird, dude.

You mean like eating smoked salmon naked on the couch watching iCarly? I've been doing that since I've been doing that I've been doing that since Jump, dude. I've been doing that since... I've been doing that... I've been doing that since... Jump, dude.

I've been naked eating smoked salmon since, like, I was... Since fucking, like, pre-bar mitzvah and shit. Before you were a man. When you were a boy. When you were a boy. I was getting fucking weird freshman year. I would just like, so I went to, freshman year of college,

I went to Southern Oregon University, which is in Ashland, Oregon. And I would just fucking like go. I would just leave the dorm and just walk into town and just like throw myself into whatever situation would take me, which was often like a park with nobody in it so is that not what we're doing after this? No it'd be like 1am

it'd be 1am and I would just go lay in a park next to a stream and I'd be like here I am a 19 year old boy next to a stream and I would lay there for hours doing nothing. I got into religion, bro.

And I know this is maybe a big pit, but freshman year of college, I was like, yeah, I believe in God and maybe Jesus. Whoa, really? Yeah, I explored everything. I get it, though. The J-man is real convincing. I was just stretching it all out. I was it, though. The J-Man is real convincing. I was just stretching it all out.

I was like, Iden's not here. Sue's not here. Only Carms is here. And we're going to get fucking weird, bro. You know what I love about you? And I do. I love that mom and dad aren't here, and you're like, Jesus, that's not true. Mom and dad aren't around?

Jesus, dog. Where's he at? I was like, how does it feel to feel like you have a savior? Pretty goddamn good. Not great. It didn't feel good. It felt like someone had cooked a fish in mint, and I was like, what is it? Yo, you realize this is mint salmon?

All right. I like salmon. You're the first person in the history of the world to describe Jesus that way. Like, I promise. I promise nobody has ever said that. I was like, I like salmon, but this mint shit you put on it. Not for me,

blah, blah, blah. Oh, I'm getting weird. I just got so weird. Because you don't know, you're out of your parents' house, you're free for the first time, so you don't know what you is without the restrictions of Ivan and Sue. I mean, not to like backtrack, but I literally did. There was a

period where I woke up at every clock point on the 24-hour clock. That for sure happened. And there was like a three-week period where every night I would just pack my shit up, and there was this place called Lithia Park, which Ashland is beautiful, but they had this thing called

Lithia Park, which was a public park in the middle of Ashland, and I would walk to it, and I would just go sit by a creek, and I would just write shit, or, like, think about shit, and think about religion, and think, like, I really did, I really got into it. For, like, a full year, I would just, like,

I know the sales, I don't know what the sales like. Youngest head writer in CBS late night history. Emmy nominated. Cheerleader prom date. 19 years old, he's sitting next to water writing things. You know what me and Sean did at 19?

I got six M.I.D.s. Hadn't even started college is what we did at 19. I could barely read at 19. I mean like, I know it's, I don't know if it sounds self-aggrandizing or what, but, like, literally at that age, like, a lot of kids were, like, getting drunk and partying, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm in search of something deeper.

And what deeper was was just sitting next to a creek and then also getting in a Modest Mouse's back catalog. Yeah, man, that's deeper. I was stealing from work. Like, you're doing fine. Well, all's not well, but I'm told that it'll all be quite nice. We're gonna drain them boots like mafia,

but our feet will flow like ass. We'll all be damned. What's your next pick? For the record, I'm still stealing from work. Who wants a Viacom password? No, I'm just kidding. They don't give me that. All right, Sean, it's time for your final pick.

All right, my final pick. As I said, when I was a freshman, we rented a house. So we did not. I never lived in the dorm because I was a 20-year-old freshman. And there was a time, I'm just, I'm going in David's lane here, but there was a time, so it was my first landlord that I ever had. Why are you saying it like that? Just a weird pick.

Your lane is like, this guy named Toucan Andy. That's true. That's true. That is true. He was basically Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. But instead of a bolt gun, he had a creepy crawler's oven. Where does it come from? I've never heard you say that in my life.

Creepy crawlers oven. I had one back in the day. He's not a rich bastard. So we had a house. We rented a house. Me and Sean just had scorpions in our house. There's pre-divorce carms and post-divorce carms. And that was pre-divorce carms.

But anyways, what's your pick? I love you. Rent a house. I love you, too. I love everybody in this room. This is amazing. Seriously. I wasn't supposed to say that. Wow, really? Because R. Kelly's in this room, so... Now you're canceled, too, bro.

It was bound to happen. Sean's canceled! Shit. Well, I'm still gonna make my last pick. Who you have for me getting canceled? I'm still going to make my last pick. So we rented a house, and our landlord, one time, we didn't have enough money to cover the rent. So I was like, hey, man, we don't have enough money for the rent, so just take it out of the...

Did he make you kiss him? No. I go, take it out of the deposit. And he's like, okay. So I'm going to draft my landlord, Craig, for letting me use my deposit. Whoa, he did it! Yeah, shout me use my deposit for a month of rent. Shout out to Craig. Can you imagine doing that to your current landlord,

whoever they may be, and being like, hey, I can't pay rent. Take it out of the deposit, which I'm probably not getting back because there's arrows in the wall. Seriously. We always fantasized about taking it out of the deposit, but it never happened. We were always like, well, they can fucking take it out of the deposit, but it never happened. We were always like, well, they can fucking take it out of the deposit.

So Craig... What the fuck is a deposit? That's what you have to pay when you move into most places. You for sure put in one on the townhouse. Yeah, I put in three, dog. Your boy's credit is bad. I put in... I had to fucking put a fingerprint in there.

I had to promise him my first one. So Craig's mom was a realtor, and I think our house was Craig's first house that he got to be the property manager. I know. It was such a bummer. And we just dogged him out real hard, and one of the main dogging outs was, hey, dog, we don't have enough money for the rent. Take it out of the deposit.

And he said, okay. And then we lived there for like six more months. It was gnarly. Not the sweetheart you all thought I was. Yeah, that's what they thought you were. Yeah, so my landlord, Craig. That'll be my last name. Craig, got it. David.

I got to pick Badoosie. I would be remiss. Yeah, I would be remiss if I didn't pick Badoosie. That's like crazy. I just like that phrase. Can Shacklockety come too because you guys came together? Yeah! I just like that phrase, I got to pick Badoosie,

no matter how you're saying it. Yeah, I'm the first guy to ever say it in front of a crowd. I got to pick Badoosie. And then you stand here like a king with your fucking foot up. Hell yeah. Thank you so much. Oh, oh. No, you sit.

Take my place. Hello, hello. Have a seat. Chair, chair. Yeah. What are your names? My name's Lindsay. Hello, Lindsay. Have a seat. Chair, chair. Yeah. What are your names? My name's Lindsay. Hi, Lindsay.

Hello, Lindsay. Brianna. Hi, Brianna. We're both from Florida. You're both from Florida? You came from... We are the psychos that came from Florida. Yeah.

Wow. What is that, a 45-minute drive? How close is that? Yeah, yeah. I think a three-hour plane ride. Three-hour plane, three-hour... Man. So a long, long... Long drive.

What part of Florida? I live in Fort Myers. Fort Myers, sure. Top of the food chain. And I'm in Fort Lauderdale right now. Fort Lauderdale, yeah. Fort Turtle. Hell of turtles.

There's hell oftles there, so... I gave up my microphone. I no longer have it. The whole podcast is my idea, so I... I can't really lose. I can't really lose. I can't really lose. So can we both make a pick?

Yeah. Okay. Do you want to go first? Yeah, we'll just say David has six. Who cares? Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay, I guess I'll go first. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing David's been involved in. Juice for your juice.

Okay, I guess I'll go first. Brianna, go first. Yes. Realizing I can eat whatever I want. And buying a lot of cookie cakes. Yes.

Excuse me, what? I just want to... That's the same pick. And buying a lot of what cake? What constitutes a lot is all I want. What kind of cake? Like realizing I can go to the store and just buy a whole cookie cake for myself. Yeah, yeah. And like for friends in need.

And you can get anything written on a cake, I realize. I just bought a lot of cakes for myself. Just, are you talking about a pizookie? Are you familiar? A pizookie? A pizookie. Yes, I love them. Oh, okay. Is that what you're talking about? No. Well, cookie cakes. You're on the

sidelines, Bori. They're from Walmart. Pizookies have ice cream on them. We're talking a plain cookie cake. Where did you go to school? UF. University of Florida? Yes. Yeah, I guess. Okay, so what was the

cafeteria experience like? It was fine. A lot of cold pizza. What thrilled you? When you walked in? For me, I had a few different pizza. What thrilled you? When you walked in? You know, for me, I had a few different experiences where I'd walk into the

cafeteria and I'd be like, oh, really? You know what I mean? And then, like, goodbye horses would play in the background and I'd sashay over to, like, you know what I mean like oh really a hot dog bar

so for you what was the thing that presented itself in the University of Florida cafeteria where you were like how thrilled am I to be eating alone the breakfast was really good the other food wasn't really but I realized

they got a nacho cheese machine the year I left. Rude. Rude, Sean. It's a rude Sean move. It's a rude... Brianna, so breakfast was insane. So, like, when we did breakfast,

they would just put out, like, hella eggs, hella bacon, hella whatever. And one time, this dude just made, like, a fort out of bacon. Where he was like, baconlla bacon, hella whatever. And one time this dude just made like a fort out of bacon. Where he was like bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon. That was me. Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon. There was one kid in the dining hall we'd see constantly. Yeah.

And he would just fill his plates with like 30 cookies. And we would just sit and watch him just eat all of those cookies. That's it. But we saw him all the time. He got into a college, too. He was tiny, this tiny guy eating so many cookies. Yeah. Hell yeah.

That is the governor of Florida. It's a great pick. That's my pick. I want to know more about what's the craziest food, and then we'll let you go. What's the craziest food combination you ever got at the cafeteria? This food and then that food, and they were on the same plate. Real quick, let me just say, UF cafeteria wasn't, that wasn't the hot spot.

You didn't have a cafeteria? I mean, there was, but it wasn't. Where were you eating most of the time? I mean, the dining hall, because it was paid for by my parents. But it wasn't great food, but it was free. I just got a lot of PB&J salads. Cafeteria is another word for dining hall. Sorry for speaking French on a podcast.

I'm just saying the word I know. I'm just saying, what's the most insane? Jell-O and hot dogs. You know what I mean? Beef casserole and lasagna. That's not that crazy, actually. You're onto something. That was good. Pizza and Chicago-style pizza.

What's the craziest combo you ever got? I don't know. Nothing comes to mind. I ate a lot of ice cream. Make something up. Lie to us. No. Shrimp?

Don't be bullied. You don't have to be bullied. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm bullying you right now. Brianna, hang out with us. You know, and then you make your pick. Okay. Yeah.

My name's Lindsay. I don't... You said you. I don't care. All right? Wow. I don't... I won't let you talk to her that way. I'm totally joking. All right? I don't. I won't let you talk to her about you.

I'm sorry. Don't touch me. I don't like that. You're right. I'm sorry. Get him. Get him. You're canceled.

Canceled. I'm canceled. Canceled. Okay. Now that I'm canceled, Trump's not doing that bad of a job. All right? I gotta go. No, I'm joking, I'm joking.

I fucking hate him, I fucking hate him. I wish a swordfish would... I wish a swordfish would jump out of the ocean and then with its nose right through the, you know what I mean? And then, and that's as much as I can say without having to talk to someone from the government.

Go on! And with my sixth pick for David, I'm going to go with fake IDs. Yo! Teen drinking is illegal. Yo, I got a fake ID, though. One, here comes the two, to the three, to the four. I can't do it.

Damn it, I can't remember the rest of the lyrics. And we even got more. Is that a word? Everybody in the club give him tips. I'm sober, so weird. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. I can't talk anymore. We are probably going to land the plane, I imagine, at some point.

I think it's time. I think it's about time. What does that mean? When did you get it? You got a fake ID some point. I think it's time. I think it's about time. What does that mean? When did you get it? You got a fake ID freshman year? Yeah. That's awesome. What did you do in school?

How old did it say it was? I'm sorry, how old was your fake ID? Five other questions. It said that I was 22, so my best friend, she looks like me, and she's way older, so I used her ID, actually. You don't look like you're 22 now. Seriously. I turn 22 next week.

Happy birthday! Very nice. Thanks. Next week? Next week. What's your name again? Lindsey. Let's sing it.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Lindsay. Happy birthday to you. Thanks. Thank you so much. Good use. Wait, can someone take a picture of me from up here with my best friend so my mom can see it?

Yeah, somebody. Wait, Sean. Can you do the voice? No, the creepy voice? My mom loves it. Your mom loves it? She loves it. It's going to happen, so cover your ears. It's going to sit. Oh, you take the picture. Oh, yeah.

It's going to happen, so cover your ears. It's going to happen. I will. I definitely will. Yeah. By the way, it's not just me that can do it. Everybody can do it. So take the picture on three.

We'll go one, two, three. Happy birthday. two three happy birthday yes oh that was so gross wait say my name say my name Lindsay I love it

hey sorry Marissa and anybody who has headphones in alright now you both gotta leave you both gotta get out of here thank you guys so much for coming out.

Thank you, Brianna. Thank you, Lindsay. Thank you. Thank you. We got there. Used to be a family podcast. Used to be. It used to be.

I got to pee so bad, bro. Let me wrap her up land the plane for us so we drafted freshman year of college I went first and I took figuring out your limits oh wait no no no no

is that what you took first shush figuring out your alcohol limits taking an advanced class that was way harder than you thought Is that what you took first? Shush. Figuring out your alcohol limits. Taking an advanced class that was way harder than you thought it was going to be, but doing it anyway. And then I missed something. And then losing your virginity.

Oh, it was the... What did they say? Making your own hours. Oh, yeah! Just waking up at every fucking hour on the clock, like, making a weird-ass schedule. And then losing your virginity? Wait, wait, wait, no. Figuring out your alcohol limits,

taking a really hard advanced class, figuring out your alcohol limits. Taking a really hard advanced class. Figuring out your sleep schedule. That was his last one. That was his last one. Losing your virginity. You guys are drunk, too. I didn't realize that. And they're getting weird.

I didn't realize that. I got there. I didn't realize that until just now. I thought it was just us. You guys are drunk, you assholes. Yeah, everybody's drunk. I love it. I appreciate it.

Sean, you went next and you took skipping classes. And then hosting parties. And then eating in class. Thank you. I appreciate it. And then EA Sports. It's in the game. You took Madden. And then your last pick was... My landlord, Craig.

Yeah, your landlord, Craig. It was Craig. David, you went last and you took Sweet Lou and his bag of Sonic. Shout out, shout out, shout out, shout out. And then hosting a radio show. Yes, sir.

And then 6% beer from Kansas. Uh-huh. And then popcorn weed from Dallas. Sure. And then eating whatever I want.

More fire! And then fake IDs. Booyakasha! Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I stand behind my shit. I think I had a fully functional draft. Left a lot of good shit on the board.

What do you guys still have? I only have like one thing. Oh, I left a lot of shit on the board. Wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts everywhere. Yo, this is how you know I was bad at school. I had going home. Yo. We, like, worked hard to go home, though.

Bro, I wanted to go home the whole time. I borrowed this girl Brianna's car to go home, and it was me, and then she fell asleep in the back, and then one other dude, and I was driving from Ashland to Portland, and around Eugene, I got into a car wreck, and they were all asleep, and I crashed Brianna's car. Dude,

I got in a car wreck with Kristen Knoll on the way driving home. Really? Home school, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She shouldn't let me drive. That's on her. Thank God it wasn't after a live AFE. Because we're all drunk. Alright, guys, this is like a long

show. Well, for God's sake, shout out to super producer Marissa. You know what? Let me, can I do the sappy? Someone be sappy. Can I get sappy? It really is.

It really is amazing. And I, no bullshit. It's amazing. I'm up here with two of my best friends in the world. There's a whole room full of people that actually give a shit about what we're doing. Oh, man, we can see all of you guys. Everybody that works here, every single person that we had contact with

was so amazing. This place fucking rules. Rock with this place. The Sinclair is fucking tight, dude. I'm in Boston for the first time. This is absolutely jarring. You're Boston-bopping. Seriously, never.

You think you're going to be able to do something like this, and you fucking can't. You get to do it, and here we are. And, yeah, so it's just absolutely amazing. Yeah, man, you guys keep, yeah. It really is. Cool, cool, cool. It really, absolutely is ridiculous.

You guys keep our motor running. We're so thankful we can do this. If you're listening at home, we want to hear your suggestions as well at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter, allfantasypodcasts at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. We fuck with you.

Shout out, shout out, shout out. We fuck with you heavy. We want to hear your answers as well. Shout out to fucking Frankie Ocean. Shout out to shout out, shout out. We fuck with you heavy. We want to hear your answers as well. Shout out to fucking Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats, bro. Shout out to PJ Ladd, dude, for holding down Boston,

being one of the best skateboarders on the planet. Shout out to the Patreon, we appreciate it. Shout out to the Patreon, hell yeah. Oh, shout out to the Patreon! Seriously. And we're going to be taking pictures in the foyer. Oh, yeah. We'll be.

Shout out to Foyer. Shout out to Johnny Damon. We're going to be. We're going to take pictures over there afterwards. Yeah. If you guys want to do that. Shout out to fucking. Shout out to fucking Jalen Brown, dude.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Terry Rocha? No, he's gone. He's a whore now. Yeah. Shout out to Kimball Walker, bro. Shout out to Gun Heiwa, dog.

Shout out to Sammy Ogilvy. Was Dee Brown a Celtic? Shout out to Dee Brown. Dee Brown was. Hell yeah. Shout out to Larry Brown. Dee Brown was. Hell yeah. Shout out to Larry Brown in the shooting shirt. Which one of you motherfuckers is coming in second? And more important than all of that,

tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shake it! Go Giddy! Go Giddy!