All Fantasy Everything - Garbage Food (w/ Shane Torres, Sean Jordan and David Gborie)

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

Not quite junk food... junk food has SOME dignity. This is garbage food. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Shane Torres, Sean Jordan and David Gborie. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. The podcast where we fantasy draft the entire world. We have a doozy for you today. A real doozy of a category. Today we are drafting garbage foods. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Thank you. Not necessarily junk food, by the way. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Thank you, shit. Not necessarily junk food, by the way. Garbage food. There's a difference, and it's a feeling, I think. It's a feeling we all have.

Garbage food is something else entirely. It's like a moan after. It is a moan. Where you're like, I can't believe I ate that. I can't believe it wasn't butter. I know better than this one. I can't believe it is that. I can't believe it wasn't butter. Sometimes it is butter. I know better than this. I can't believe it is butter. I can't believe how much butter. I've seen us all eat.

None of us know better than that. We all eat garbage. We have assembled a blue ribbon panel of people who eat garbage food all the time. We're eating salami and candy right now. For breakfast. That was actually not a lot. We have this fucked up buffet. Yeah.

Where if just like, you know that imaginary meal from Hook? Yeah. Where if just one guy with diabetes thought up that imaginary meal. You're doing it, Peter. You do it. Stop doing it, Peter. Stop doing it. Peter, you're doing it.

My feet are numb. Bang a ray. Bangers and mash. Bang a ray. Peter Numb. Bang-a-ray. Bangers and mash. Bang-a-ray. The person, that new voice, now listeners familiar with the podcast will recognize David Borey and Sean Jordan, but that new voice, that beautiful squeal you're hearing over the airwaves, is our dear friend Sugar Shane Torres, stand-up comedian, activist, warrior poet.

Yeah. All pretty accurate, right? Yeah. Venture cap. Beard-having, activist, warrior poet. Yeah. All pretty accurate, right? Venture capital. Beard-having, activist, warrior poet. Man whose beard is coming in, certified massage therapist, beanie owner, beanie wearer. Sean's beanie. Your beanie. I bequeathed it to you, my friend.

Bequeathed it. It means I gave it to you. I know what it means. God, you're stupid. It's just like, stop talking like you're from a plane. Shane is here for the Riot Comedy Festival all the way from New York City, but he hails, we know him from the Portland, Oregon comedy scene.

From roommate time. From roommate time. Shane's my old roommate. What'd you guys call your house? We didn't really have a name for it. Fun Shack. It was under a Shake Shack. It was already called The Breakers when we moved in, and we didn't want to change the name. No.

A bunch of Billabong posters everywhere. It was a shitty apartment. Emphasis on the bong. Sound effect. We should get right into it, because we're playing with a shot clock today. We have a limited time in the studio. This is like my passion. Off the, from the hip, everybody.

Pistol Pete. Our engineer showed up a bit late because we recorded on a Sunday. It's not his fault. I should never record early on a Sunday. You know. What do you do? We get buckwild here at HeadGum Studios. I saw what time you went to bed last night like a gentleman.

I go to bed so early now. What time did you go to bed last night? My girlfriend goes to bed at like, she's like, let's go lay down. I'm like, we're going to have sex or whatever. You know what I mean? Time. We're going to have sex. Did you say it? Oh, yeah. Let's's go lay down. I'm like, we're going to have sex or whatever. You know what I mean? Time. We're going to have sex. Oh, yeah.

Let's go lay it down. I'm like, for sex? Until that girl flits. No. And sometimes we do. We have a healthy amount of sex. For those of you, if you're concerned about my sex life, don't worry. Yeah.

Two to three times a month. Yeah, right? Exactly. Without eye contact with the lights off. Yeah. No talking. Well, actually, it's with the lights off but eye contact. You just right? Exactly. Without eye contact with the lights off. No talking! Well, actually, it's with the lights off but eye contact. You just can't tell.

Yes. Like, I'm looking at both of you. I'm in the room. I'm staring at my reflection in the mirror. I'm staring in there most of the time. Oh, man, I don't know if I can handle that. Just get your traps popping. Get your traps jumping!

The Goldbergs, dude. But we started progressively going to bed earlier, and now I love it. Now I'm in bed at, like, 9, 10 o'clock some nights. In bed? Like in bed watching TV? No. Just like no electronics in my room. When you're like me, you avoid the bed for as long as possible.

When you have no one to go with. When that bed, yeah, yeah. Damn. Or when that bed is in the living room. Damn. Draft that. Draft that. All right.

We kind of are garbage food. We're either drafting the cause to or solution to not having anyone in bed with you. Garbage food. Ripping off a Simpsons joke. So we should get to it. Oh, also, so Shane, this is going to come out this week. Is there anywhere anyone can see you? Yeah, I will be opening for Tim Meadows in Goldsboro, North Carolina and Olean, New York with

Augie Smith. Tim Friday and Augie Saturday and I'll be at The Pit Tuesday night in New York City. Very cool. The Pit. At Syrup Mountain on Twitter. Yep. And Instagram. And Instagram. David Borey in the

house. What date does this come out? This comes out Thursday. Thursday? Well, then you can see me... Oh, I'm doing Chris Redd and Friends at the... at Franklin UCB on like the 26th or something like that. There you go. Yeah, it's like a good fun show.

Yeah, that's a good plug. That's a good show. Yeah, go see that tonight in LA. Sean, anywhere anyone can see you? Anything you want to plug? A friend of mine is actually making a television show. Oh, yeah. There's the pilot taping, I think February 2nd or 3rd. Who's that? That's me.

That's right. You should go to. Never heard of him. You should just go to that. You should go watch that. Two of the writers here in this room as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I should say we're making.

Yeah, you should say that you're making a television show. Yeah, yeah. Advertising is a big part of the set. Comedy Central, those fools, are letting me make a pilot for a weekly sports show. As you know, I love, heck, heck, I love sports. You know? So they're letting me make this show. The pilot is taping. If you want to come, if you're in L.A., it's February 2nd here in Los Angeles.

And you can go to on-camera-audiences.com slash shows slash The Upside with Ian Carmel. Or just go to my Twitter. It's the pin tweet at the top of the page. Enough about that. We're all very excited. Please come out and see it. Thrilled. And then let's get to the draft, shall we? of the page. Enough about that. We're all very excited. Please come out and see it. Thrilled, yeah.

And then let's get to the draft, shall we? Maybe I'll fly out for the taping. You should fly out for the taping. Shane, fly out for the taping. You should fly out. What day is that? February 2nd. No, of the week. Oh, I don't know, Thursday?

We should probably not. If it's Thursday, I can do it. You should come out. That would be sick. It's good. You know what I like is that all 20,000 of our listeners are so good to be in on this decision. They like this conversation that you're having like is that 20,000 of our listeners are still getting to be on this decision.

They like this conversation that you're having with yourself. Like, maybe you'll do it if it's on the right day. Man. Sean Jordan, I gotta say, busting balls today. Coming out the gate strong. I like it. I know. Turn up the heat.

If you guys ever need just a punching bag, here I am. Sign me up for that. Old Syrup Mountain. Go ahead and climb up Old Syrup Mountain. I'm not eating broccoli. You motherfucker. Alright, so determine the order of the Joker draft. We're going to play a game, as always,

of rock, paper, scissors. The three of you will be playing. The winner determines the draft order. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Shane screwed it up. Shane screwed it up up i'll just go last we kind of want to catch tone anyway no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no all right let's do it again rock paper scissors shoot oh david wins and you get to determine the draft order so i'm gonna go first all right i'm gonna kick it oh Here's the thing is I feel like Sean Jordan's got a lot of Taco Bell,

and I'm not scared of that. Right. So I'm going to say. You don't know me like that. You don't know what's on this list. I feel like. I do know you like that. I kind of feel like Taco Bell.

I bet there's just a picture of a menu. Downstairs you were like, hey, if you're talking about a fast food restaurant, it's got to be specific item menus. It's quesarito. You can't just call Taco Bell. I mean, maybe you're right. Maybe you're not. Okay.

I think I'm going to go me, and then we're going to go Shane, and then we're going to go Cougar Melon Jordan. Yeah. Cougar Melon Jordan. And then we're going Rich Homie Carms. We're doing an S. All right. All right. All right. And with the first pick.

Yes, sir. With the first pick of the draft, the Toledo Sugarfoots will take. The Toledo Sugarfoots? Before you even pick, have you seen the Hollywood, the 365? Oh, of course I've seen that. Do you know the Sugarfoot thing? Yeah. Where you mix ranch dressing?

She mixed ranch with sugar. Oh. So buck. You don't have any whipped cream? You gotta. Ghetto whipped cream. Have you seen this shit? Three Six.

One of the wives from Three Six made like ghetto sour or ghetto whipped cream. You know that I have. He had a girl named Sugarfoot. Yeah. And she flew out to see him. He took her upstairs. Fell asleep. Fell asleep.

She comes down to the kitchen. She's going to make whipped cream to eat off of him to wake him. You took her upstairs. Fell asleep. Fell asleep. She comes down to the kitchen. She's going to make whipped cream to eat off of them to wake them up. They don't have whipped cream, so she mixes ranch dressing and sugar. That's a woman that will not be denied. That's so gross. Oh, man. I had a third grade teacher that would eat mayonnaise with Cheetos. Was she Canadian?

Was she a white trash Canadian? Then there's no explanation. They love mayonnaise, right? Canada? They do. The French and the Canadians love mayonnaise. Okay. Yeah.

Anyway, with the first pick. First pick, you know what I'm going? A weird one because it does have a vegetable in it. Velveeta and broccoli. Yes. It's trash. They try to push it on us like it's real vegetables, but it's trash. I feel so gross every time I eat Velveeta and broccoli.

It's so good, though. And I hate broccoli. That's how good it is. I hate broccoli. I hate Velveeta in theory just because, like, what is it? It's that block. You know what the evolution of that is? Spinach dip.

You know, like, spinach dip is kind of like. Spinach dip is, like, classier, I feel like. Spinach dip is classic. But it is certainly, like, came later, I feel like. Yeah. I started seeing it on. Spinach dip? Yeah, I started seeing it on. Spinach dip? Yeah, I started seeing it way after I saw Velveeta.

I feel like broccoli and Velveeta, that's what they did on the commercial. Remember? The Velveeta commercials? They used to have. They would drizzle it over broccoli. Oh, yeah. Over broccoli. Also, there's something about the color.

That yellow and the green? Yeah, yeah. Green Bay Packers colors. Yeah. It looks like the most artificial. I'm sure Aaron Rodgers eats it all the time. Velveeta looks so artificial. It's gross. That block. Just that block of. It looks like the most artificial. I'm sure Aaron Rodgers eats it all the time. Velveeta looks so artificial.

It's gross. That block. Just that block of crazy. I'll tell you what. I'll eat it like it's a loaf of bread. I'll eat that block of Velveeta. Just that. Are you serious?

Yeah. I'll do it. I don't think you're allowed to do that. If a cop sees you doing that, he has to arrest you. You know why they make rules, don't you, David? To be broken. The cops use you doing that. He has to arrest you. I don't think you're supposed to eat it. You know why they make rules, don't you, David? Yeah, but that's like eating a stick of... You can't eat raw, uncut Velveeta. You gotta cut that shit. They make it called a cheese product.

You're not even allowed to call it cheese. No. It's like Velveeta cheese product. Yeah, that's the same thing with Spam. They call it potted meat food. Yeah, potted meat food. Oh, it's the vegetables. Have you ever just bought the potted meat

instead of Spam? No, I've never had either to be honest. What? You've never had Spam? I've never had Spam either. Well, we might get to that later. All right, first of all,

I got some Spam tricks for you guys. I fucking love Spam. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. The other dope Velveeta is you get it with the Rotel tomatoes.

That's good. Yeah, with chips. Yeah, they got that on the package. Velveeta and Rotel have this like unholy... I wonder if they're owned by the same company

or they just have each other's back like that. It's so weird that it's Rotel because I don't use Rotel for anything else. For anything else, but just making like the Velveeta,

the nacho dip. Yeah, what is that? I don't know. I bet they're owned by the same company. Yeah. Like Velveeta... They put Rotel

in everything. They do. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah yeah they'll put it in like enchilada so they just like it's just like a blend of like tomatoes it's kind of like i mean it's like almost like a salsa yeah it's like a pico or something you know oh yeah yeah but you just whip it into shit chain tours is from dallas fort worth by the way fort worth it's a processed cheese product yeah it has a taste identified as a type of american cheese

but with softer and smoother texture i'm just reading velveta's propaganda wikipedia page shoving it down my throat yeah yeah i mean i can handle it there was an aggressive early 90s velveta campaign oh kelly Kelly Jordan was the head of that campaign. She loved it? The Jordan kitchen was, I think, headquarters for that campaign. I know. You ate cheese out of it. Do you slice it and put it on sandwiches?

Walking around in a loincloth, eating it out of the fridge. Your childhood was interesting. Yeah, we used to do that. I'd cut it with bologna, even. Oh, that would to do that. I'd cut it with bologna even. Oh, that would. I would get that right up. Meat as a starch is, I don't know how it took that long for us to get here. Meat as like a bun?

Yeah. Yeah, right. When they did the KFC double down, everyone was like, ew, it's so gross. Did you have it though? I never did. The double down was a mess. Was it a mess? It was a fucking mess.

It might come up later. Who knows? It was a fucking mess. It might come up later. It was like socialism. It was a good idea. It's a good idea in theory. You know what catches a lot of shit is the KFC famous bowl. I've still never had it because there's like some Patton Oswalt bit that just destroys it. Yeah, but it's because Chumps hacked Patton Oswalt's funny joke into a conversation. But I feel like it's a great idea, right?

It's great. I had a dude oh man this fucking guy a dude put a bunch of pennies in my famous bowl one time and it was like one of the most pissed i've ever been that's so disrespectful why did he do it because he thought it was a prank and i was like you don't even know the prime star darian like i think the shit you put pennies in my fucking famous bowl like oh so like you don't know how mad you are because i hadn't even like or i had stirred up the gravy and stuff oh so i had that swirl going and i was like man i'm gonna get some corn in this bite first get some cheese in this bite good on darian

pennies that's a hilarious prank that's not hilarious everybody does he buy you a new bowl he didn't buy me a new book. He's a piece of shit. If Darian Blackwell's listening, fuck you, man. That's not a prank. Ruining someone's food. Like looking forward to it. Yeah. I don't think it's a... What did he do after you came out of the bathroom?

He was just like, how's your famous bowl? No, he didn't say anything. I kicked a goddamn crown. I ate it and I was just like, what the fuck? And he just started laughing. I was like, dude, fuck you, man. We're not good friends dude fuck you man we're not good friends no no no no you can't be good friends with someone who puts pennies in your famous bowl yeah what am i like so mom you were he was gonna be in my wedding but not now no get out you should invite him to be in your wedding and then tell him

the wrong location when he shows up there's just like a pile of pennies i should invite him to my wedding and then there's like this decadent food spread yeah because you know me and bae like to eat yeah and then when he gets his food it's just a kfc bowl with yes pennies in it yeah and everybody watches him everyone watched darius eat yeah or darian or watch him watch him spit it out yeah yeah black, eat it. Sounds racist because his name is Blackwell. Blackwell. Blackwell as a singular name is dope.

Wasn't there that singer, Blackwell? Maxwell. Maxwell. There's also that movie called The Inkwell about the black part of Martha's Vineyard. Is that true? Yeah, Leroy States in that movie. Great film. I remember that.

Yeah, it was a weird movie. The Inkwell, yeah. I remember that. Yeah. I was working at Blockbuster when that came out. Yeah. It was a weird movie. The Inkwell. Yeah. The Inkwell. Yeah. All right. Not eating Velveeta. Not eating Velveeta. The Inkwell.

Velveeta's so dope. And on the broccoli. But it is trash food. It is fully trash food. You could take Whole Foods organic broccoli and put it on Velveeta. You're still going to have a heart attack. Absolutely. It's a Kennedy fucking a prostitute.

Yeah. Yeah. gonna have a heart attack absolutely it's a kennedy fucking a prostitute yeah yeah i'm having trouble figuring out which one is which they're both they switch places all parts are in the chamber yeah it's a fluid it's a fluid metaphor kennedy fucking some velveta it's like a prostitute eating broccoli who knows velveta is that like would you do you still fuck with it is that something you'll make a home like you'll steam some broccoli i i don't fuck with it, but I've been in places where it's been served in the past couple of years. And I'll eat it, but, like, it's bad, man.

It is. But as a kid, I used to really like it. Yeah. It was a good way to sneak broccoli in. Yeah, yeah. Was it, though? No. You know what I mean?

You know what we did was... You know what we did was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would do broccoli with, like, Parmesan, and that's enough. That's great. Like a dusting? Yeah, like a dusting. That's a good person.

That's a good, like... You're not eating this nacho cheese soup. Sean's over here with hurt feelings because people are talking shit about Velveeta. Yeah, it's so good. How often do you eat Velveeta right now? Not as much as he should. Not as much as I should. I should be eating food like Velveeta.

That'd be better for me. I brought it up to Shane. That's crazy. We had an entourage marathon the other day and somehow Velveeta came up. I was like, let's make some fucking Velveeta dip. And he said no. He shut me down. Otherwise it would have been two days ago.

It was 10 in the morning. Stop. Stop. 10 in the morning. Leaving out Stop. 10 in the morning. I'm leaving out a real important part of it. Eating like it's fucking oatmeal. Well, speaking of the time, Shane Torres, it is time for your first pick. The second pick of the first round.

With the second pick of the draft, the Bethany, Pennsylvania, Lazy Susan. Oh. Are going to take Green bean casserole green bean casserole is that garbage food it can be it's green is it incredible if you put like ruffles on it and shit talk to me where are you from south dakota my friend but don't they put those crunchy onions on it yeah those crunchy onions on it man i bought some of those one time i ate them like chips you don't even feel weird i know right yeah they're kind of soft i've never seen anybody eat them outside of green bean casserole the uh the onion the i've never seen them on anything else the fried onion no i don't think i yeah just green bean casserole i feel like

sometimes when you get like a like a like a like a barbecue western cheeseburger oh he's right they'll get those oh they'll be like fried onions yeah yeah yeah yeah but not the same onions in the like from that from that like tin thing that they had david is right they are on that uh i'm not sold on it being a garbage food 100 percent cream mushroom. Have you seen it go in? It is cream of mushroom soup. It has cream of celery or mushroom. I guess none of the ingredients have to be fresh. I guess that's true. No.

It could be frozen green. It could all be canned. Canned green beans, canned soup. I'm going to say if you leave it in that tray, have you seen it two days later, and it just comes out like a fucking plopped shit. Oh, gosh. That's gross. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So that's what makes it a garbage. But caviar comes out like a plopped shit. The only time I've ever had caviar was at your dad's place. It was good, right? Yeah, it was good.

It was saline caviar. Yeah, and I ate way too much. Yeah. I ate a fucking real white trash thing. I assumed it would be gross because that was the first time I'd had caviar too. But I kept eating. I was like, this is good. Yeah the first time I'd had caviar too I was like this is good

you gotta eat as much caviar as you can I agree but it's so vibrant and light it's really good I couldn't believe it I assumed it would be horse shit for some reason I just assumed, I did, I don't know why which doesn't make sense because it's a rich people food

most rich people stuff is pretty dope except for their burgers, rich people got because it's a rich people food. Most rich people stuff is pretty dope. Yeah, except for their burgers. Rich people got bell ham burgers. Rich people, fuck rich people cheeseburgers. They don't like any poor food rich people try to do. They kind of fuck up. Yeah, they blow it. They'll be like, I catered an event.

This woman was so rich, and she was like, I'm from Louisiana. You're not going to need to make the gumbo. Right? For the restaurant I worked at, we should have made the gumbo. Right? Like, for the restaurant I worked at? Yeah. We should have made the gumbo. It was shit gumbo. It was fucking dog shit.

Because they go crazy. They'll put, like, the bun will be too thick. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's, like, artisan mayonnaise. Yeah. I just want Hellman's and American cheese. Yes.

And a thick slice of tomato. Yes. Sesame seed bun. That's all I want. I don't need it all crazy. They'll fuck it up with some, like, silly lettuce. Yeah. Arugula. Yeah. Gruyere and ar's all I want. I don't need it all crazy. Don't fuck it up with some silly lettuce. Yeah, arugula.

Yeah, Gruyere and arugula. Red lettuce. Yeah. Fuck off. I want it done by a guy who's clearly drying his hands on his apron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want him to have meat hands. It's all right across the chest. Yeah, yeah.

You can tell what's in it by looking at the apron. Yeah. I want it to be like Lowry's seasoning salt, if any seasoning. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah. That should be the most amount of seasoning.

Yeah. I don't... Yeah. Rich people blow it on burgers. Never gone wrong with Lowry's. I've never been bummed that I put Lowry's on something. It goes on everything.

It goes on green bean casserole. It does. Yeah. It could. This is a... So what's the objection to... I'm about in. I'll buy in.

I'll buy into it. Yeah. The few days later... Because it's not fresh. The few days later... If you're doing it with fresh green beans, you're fucking it up, dude. It's not really... That's not. I'll buy into it. Yeah. The few days later. Because it's not fresh. The few days later. If you're doing it with fresh green beans, you're fucking it up, too. It's not real. That's not even.

It would be worse. Yeah. Much worse. Yeah. All right. I'm sold. I'm sold. Why?

Did you grow up eating green bean casserole? Oh, Jesus. If I go to a. Since I live on the East Coast now, if I don't go home for a holiday. Because you only eat it on holidays. Yeah. By the way, turkey or sides on the holidays? Sides. Sides. What do you mean? Like, which do you. Which is a bigger on the holidays? Sides.

Sides? What do you mean? Which is a bigger deal to you, sides or – Oh, they're all the same thing. It's because I'm going to – It's like a famous bowl. Yeah, I'm going to make my own famous bowl. It's the thing.

But you only get it like twice a year. If I had to pick it. And if I – when I'm on the East Coast, it's not something they do out there, I don't think. Because I've been to a couple – Green Bee Casserole? Green Bee Casserole? I haven't seen, I don't think. Because I've been to a couple different Christmas. I've been at a couple different Christmases or Thanksgiving, and they don't have it. And I get fucking bummed. What do they eat out there? They just eat the Wall Street Journal?

They just sit down and eat the Wall Street Journal? No, I read the Times. I haven't seen it any time I've been there. They eat, and the sides are Hannah and her sisters, the Woody Allen movie. Is that what you guys eat? Oh, God damn it. We ate, my mom would make green bean casserole sometimes at holidays. It's my favorite.

It really is my favorite. It also goes great on like a roll or a bisco. Oh, that's true. Oh, man. Like one of those little sweet rolls, like those Hawaiian sweet rolls. Yeah, yes. Yeah, the King's rolls. Yeah, just sop that up.

With a little bit of ham, too, if you do like a little bit of ham. Oh, yeah, yeah. I love a little cold ham. I love a little cold ham. I love, next day sandwiches are the best things about the holidays. Oh, man. As a kid, I was getting toys. Holiday sandwiches, dude.

Holiday sandwiches. Mashed potatoes. That's another thing people fuck up. Oh, the fuck cranberry sauce on sandwiches. They'll do holiday sandwiches at restaurants. Oh, never. Yeah, and it's always like, we have this really nice cranberry sauce that we're putting. I hate that shit.

Go fuck yourself. Frequent listeners of this podcast will remember the Jake and Amir episode of this. One of those dudes took a Thanksgiving sandwich, and I've been epiphylactic since then. I've been inconsolable. I had one from Starbucks, the stuffing sandwich or whatever. It was fucking dope. It was good? Really?

I don't want cranberry sauce on a sandwich. It was good. Yeah, I don't like mixing sweets with my meats. You know? It was all right. Maybe it's my upbringing. I could do a little open up your third eye a little bit. Something like a ham, but that's about it.

Oh, yeah. Open up your third eye. I used to go to him. I ever had my buddy Sam Talent used to make The great Sam Talent. The great Sam Talent. He makes root beer ham. Oh, I've heard root beer ham. Yeah, it's pretty great. Pretty great.

Vegetable dishes going 1-2 in this draft is like a Super Bowl starting with two safeties. This is crazy. What are the odds? I feel like Sean Jordan's gonna write this. Our man Sean Jordan is gonna write all the wrongs right now. There's not a vegetable on this list. Me either.

There's not a vegetable in your body. No, man. Just a lot of good vibes in my body. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan with his first pick, the third pick of the first round. The third pick of the first round in the South Dakota Rushmore Coyotes. Oh, Coyote. That's what we're going to be. Coyote.

Is going to be Hormel Chili with Kraft Singles on it. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, man. That's a good one. That's a good one. My mom would make... You went specific brand, too,

which I really like. That would be dinner sometimes. Would be a can of Hormel Chili, which is dope. It's still dinner for me. With a single on top and then it melts in there real good. But it doesn't melt the right way.

So you try to stir it up and you end up getting the whole piece of cheese in one bite. And that's the bite. And you're like, dog. That's why we play. That's the bite. That's why we play the game. You build up. You eat a round and you're like, there's that bite, dude.

And then you wait until the perfect part of the episode of Ballers that you're watching. And then you take that bite and it's dope. The Rock is trying to get painkillers from his doctor. He's chewing on them with no water, and you're like, if he can do that, I can eat this whole piece of cheese. Come on, Doc, crush saltines in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

A little texture and kind of. And what I'll do now is I'll get the Tabasco Hormel, and then I'll just mad dog it with the Sriracha, too. So it's like straight diarrhea. It just goes in. It goes right out right out doesn't have time to turn into anything else dueling hot sauces yeah yeah i so rarely do that i do it constantly i feel like i feel like you're in bed most of the time because uh because you're a hard

working professional while i'm up making this gut rot by nine In bed by 9 o'clock. I'm in bed at 9. Meanwhile, you're in the kitchen cooking shit up like Master P. I'm in the kitchen just folding my hands together like a mad scientist trying to be quiet. Yeah. I don't want him to see what I'm doing. Trying to be like, how can I use this leftover cough syrup? Some of that Pro-Meth? Yeah. We could just have Pro-Meth in the kitchen for like a year now.

Some of that Hormel Lean that I make at night? That lean. Whoa, I just got like a the kitchen Some of that Hormel lean That I make at night That lean Whoa I just got like A heart palpitation Hormel lean Some of that Purple hot sauce Hormel lean

The world can't know About that We might not be able Doc the lean The lean hasn't been Helping me sleep You know I've been drinking it

And I still can't fall asleep You're gonna be there With Hormel lean Cut it with chili Cut it with chili Cut it with chili Cut it with chili Cut it with chili. There's never been any advice ever. Cut it with chili. Cut it with chili. Cut it with chili.

You're going to sit there with a straight face, Doc, and tell me I'm not supposed to put promethazine in my chili. Yeah. It said not to drink on an empty stomach. You hear how loud the Rick Ross is that I'm listening to on my phone right now in the doctor's office? Imagine if you just went into the... This is being public. I still have a shirt on. No, dude, I'd have like a Dre, a Beats pill, and I'd just be sitting in there.

This isn't Dice Pineapples. That shit. Just tear the paper off the exam table when you sit down. Sorry, Doc, I have to turn down my Beats pill. No, I didn't eat a fucking game. I go raw dog or I don't go at all. Fucking, that's a power move. You just rip off the power.

I don't wear condoms. Yeah. I'm in there like lighting all the condoms on fire. What were you saying? He puts the tongue depressor on. You just bite through it. You're just like. Oh, man.

That cell phone. The playing music out loud on your cell phone thing. Dude. It just kills me. On the Max in Portland kids. I'm sure they do it everywhere. Yeah, I see a lot of teens do it. It's a teen thing.

They'll take the N train, buddy. Yeah. All everywhere. Really? They play a YouTube video with lyrics, and they'll rap over the existing lyrics, their own shittier lyrics. And you're like, picture me rolling was dope when Tupac did it. I don't need to hear how you do it on the subway.

I mean, sometimes I like it, though. I'm a big fan of putting my own name in all the- Oh, true. Of all the rap. Like, if you say, I saw the lights, you're the good, you're blimp,

and you don't say your own name as a pimp, you're a sucker. You're like a sucker. If you're saying, and they said Ice Cube's a pimp, it's just you complimenting a guy who you'll never even meet. You gotta listen to rap in the first person.

It's gotta be you doing it. Rap is a video game. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Grand Seltzer. He said David Bordy's a pimp. Yeah. We're not really with crap singles doing it. Rap is a video game. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Grand Sultano. He said David Borey's a pimp. Yeah. We're going to go chili with crab singles on it.

All right. Good-ass pick. Thanks, man. God, I feel like there was something else I wanted to say, but I can't remember it. I don't know. Let's keep it moving. It's time for my pick. The final pick of the first round.

My first pick. And I'm going to go with the god jalapeno poppers oh man they do never sit right no they don't ever no no no no can be a very dangerous first bite too that's the other thing yeah yeah you ever make them at home it sucks oh sometimes you'll make them at home and the cream cheese will just squirt right out of it and you basically got like a fried jalapeno skin. That is another thing rich people try to fuck up at home. Jalapeno poppers. They'll try and make their own like.

Oh, man. You can't be. Fucking criminal. The cheese will be too solid in it. Yeah, yeah. And they're always putting Gouda shit in it. Yeah. Why are they trying to church up the cheese?

I don't get it. Garbage sheet. You can't polish a turd, man. I was talking about this. Leave it the way it is. Were you talking about grilled cheese sandwiches the other day? Who was I talking about? Maybe it was at work. I think it might have been me. Maybe it was you it is. Were we talking about grilled cheese sandwiches the other day? Who was I talking about? Maybe it was at work, actually.

I think it might have been me. Maybe it was you. Seems like something we would talk about. Yeah. Where I'm just like, I've had it with these fancy fucking grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh, yeah. They're fine on their own. But you know what?

It was definitely at work, I think. Because somebody had gotten a grilled cheese sandwich from the commissary. Well, then we definitely had this conversation. We've talked about it before, I think. But I would like Kraft Singles or some broke ass cheddar or whatever. Yeah. You know, I think. But I would, like, Kraft singles or, like, some broke-ass cheddar or whatever. Yeah. You know, I don't need the fucking fancy cheese. I don't need meat in there. And don't serve me a tomato bisque

on the side like it's a fucking treat. Right. Yeah. I want a dip in it. I like a tomato soup. Yeah, I want a dip in tomato soup. I'm not mad about the tomato soup. I like tomato soup. I don't like, I just like, but it's, like, there to, like, it's taking away from the sandwich in the sense that it's not that good and the sandwich is not that good. Oh, I like the tomato soup.

No, but no. Together – I mean it's another thing they're substituting in there. Oh, I see what you mean. We're not making the good sandwich. It's like my Mavericks right now. They're trying to think they're going to – Dwight Powell is the answer. Not signing who we said we were going to sign all year.

Right. And then, yeah. Well, you got to send Dirk out on a victory Viking raft on fire. On the very front of it. Jalapeno poppers is what we're talking about. We're not talking about grilled cheese because nobody thinks grilled cheese is garbage. Do you ever have those cheddar jalapeno poppers? I do.

Yeah. I don't know how to feel about that. I feel, I prefer the British. That's like the comedy club brand of jalapeno poppers. I love, but i just fuck it and they'd never sit right no immediate torment on your sister you're always like yeah but you go in knowing that you know that i'm ready for it i make sure that there's somewhere to you know jettison the bowels if i need to i remember going around winco which is maybe a

pacific northwest thing specifically but go and they would have the hot food section and my mom would sometimes cop like six jalapeno poppers. And I could eat them while we were going around the grocery store. See, that's a good mom. That's a good mom. Nothing would make me happier because then there was something for me. You know? St. Sue Carmel would get those jalapeno poppers. And now you're not screaming about

trying to get the tricks because you got the jalapeno poppers. Right, exactly. You're like, go ahead and get the grape nuts. By the way, I like grape nuts. I like grape nuts hot. Also, it always comes with the... A. By the way, I like grape nuts. I like grape nuts hot. Also, it always comes with the... I've never had them hot. A lot of times it'll come with the... Grape nuts suck.

...that pepper jam. Yeah. The jalapeno pop. Oh, the pepper jelly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if it's coming in... There's a plastic ramekin coming with it. Yeah.

Yeah, you know it's not a grape. Yeah, it's going to be... It is a real garbage food. I fuck with jalapeno poppers. You can throw away anything. The food, the dish it was served in is meant to be thrown away after. Right now, my power ranking for where I get jalapeno poppers from that I like? Costco.

Costco's good as hell. Costco is good as hell. Costco's good. Okay, so after we imagine it. I'm in that popper game. I'm going to put Costco number three. I'll do it again. Costco number three.

Number two, Jack in the Box jalapeno poppers. Really? They're good as fuck Wash them down with some of those tacos They're so good Those two for a dollar tacos $1.19 now Speaking of which

Number one, Pizza Boy in our neighborhood Oh, it's off the rack It's so fucking good That place has come up on Grubhub Yeah, dude It's worth it for the pop Pizza Boy is worth it The pizza

It's worth it for the pizza Really? The pizza is so good Never had a bad thing from. It's worth it for the pop time. Pizza Boy is worth it. The pizza. It's worth it for the pizza. Really? The pizza is so good. Never had a bad thing from there. It's so fucking good. So that's my first pick, jalapeno peppers. And since the draft is, Sean, what is the draft? Serpentine. It's a serpentine draft, listeners.

It means I also get the first pick of the second round. Go ahead. And with that, I'm going to take the aforementioned Jack in the Box tacos. Oh, yes. Dude, that's a nice one off the list real they just got some love on in the new york times really yeah or somebody i think it was on the new york times or the wall street time that fucking rag got it together the old great lady went slumming

they're not fit to print on the wrappers Those tacos coming They are so fucking good I may be Like they're They're so They're bad They're so good though If someone described to you Like they're like

Yeah it's like a deep fried Sort of shitty taco envelope And But it's so good It's And it's got that weird cheese Yeah And you can get like 14 of them

It's like a cheese slice They fry them They drop them right And then they just throw lettuce And the cheese just melts Because they're so hot Love it Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah They can't fry the cheese I love it Yeah yeah yeah It's I love it It's so good It's my favorite thing for Jack

Their hot sauce Yeah It's not a good hot sauce But it goes perfectly on those tacos It's like they knew Yeah Yeah I've had so many times

It's like the 2004 Detroit Pistons Yeah right It works for some reason Yeah I've had so many times for detroit pistons yeah right it works for some reason yeah i've had so many times where i just didn't have like hardly any money and that two dollar two for a dollar time i would go and just like load up and just like oh yeah eat them on the street like walking back home just you can get wet burp wet burp full oh $4. Oh, God. Wet burp. Wet burp full is the same as wet fart. Wet fart. It is the exact same.

Wet fart full comes like six hours after wet burp full. What have we turned into? What is this podcast? It's just damp underwear. You knew what this was. I did. Yeah, wet burp full for like four bucks at Jack in the Box. I love those. I love Jack in the Box. I do, too.

I celebrate. I'm back and forth. I feel like their burgers have fallen off. For real, though. But their size is so good. But a dollar for a jumbo. That's a pretty good dollar hamburger. No, that is.

But I just mean, remember when you were a kid and the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger dropped? Or the Big Cheeseburger? I remember it came in silver. I hate, by the way, just talking about it like it was an actual thing. Like, remember when the Jordan 10s dropped? Remember that one that came out? Remember when people lined up around the block? The Sourdough Jack?

Do you remember Sourdough Jack? The Sourdough Jack was so good. And it came wrapped in silver paper. Yeah. And you were just like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah. It was like the power glove or something it was fucking we used to me and a few i think nick man pay i think a few other people on the

westview high school football team during like in between school and practice we would go to fucking jack in the box and eat two big cheeseburgers because they were 99 cents each and then get a water heavy air quotes yeah and just eat two big and drink like and drink like 36 ounces of sprite and then go to football practice sure man can't even do you can't even do anything after that i couldn't do that in a day now i couldn't do that and then take a nap i would just have to lay in bed like 32 ounces of sprite would be too much for me it's so so much sugar unless you that's what you mix it with the hormormel now, right? Yeah. You cut it with, you gotta cut it with chili. Cut some of that pro-meth in there.

You got Sprite problems? Cut it with chili. John's off soda, so he's been mixing his lean with Hormel chili. I'm cutting back. God,

let me just put a little pro-methazine on that and here you go, baby doll. I'm getting like stomach cramps just thinking about that. I just like the idea

of you going to a bar and being like, hey, I'm trying to cut back off the soda. Let me just get a vodka chili. Yeah. Let me get a vodka. Excuse me. Do you guys have any embalming fluid back there that you can just kind of cut? You know how some like true dive bars will put out like hot dogs or like chili in the back?

You know that kind of thing? Oh, yeah. You could do that at one of those places. Sure. Let me just get a – can I get a shot of vodka but in a big glass somewhere? Chili is free. Hot dogs are in... They're in vodka, right? Hot dog...

Hot dog... They're just soaking in the vodka right now? Yeah, some of that hot dog infused vodka. You could do that. People make flavored vodkas. You could make hot dog vodka. I bet you somebody's made bacon vodka. I would have... Yeah, yeah. Jay-Z. Jay-Z. I bet you somebody's made bacon vodka. I would have.

Yeah, yeah. Jay-Z. Jay-Z. I have actually done that. Wait, for Bloody Marys. Are you saying that you're Jay-Z? I think we both are. Shane Z?

The beanie's not even staying on my head right now. The beanie's legal. It ain't even staying on his head. No, I made it for that Creole restaurant I worked at. We had bacon vodka. At that Creole? Yeah. On and on at a Creole restaurant. On and on at a bacon vodka.

You think you some kind of big sprout coming? Oh, I got a dead. On that Creole restaurant at that bacon vodka. You think you some kind of big sprout coming. Oh, God, I'm dead, man. Walking down a green mile at a bacon vodka. Ain't nothing going right for you. It's not your pick yet, but can I request that you make your next pick in the Creole voice? Sure. Okay, the Cajun voice. All right, Jack in the Box tacos.

I mean, is there more to say? There's so much to say. I mean, it is. It's a great pick. There are so many Jack in the Box tacos I've gotten instead of DUIs. You know what I mean? Where that night could have ended. That's so true.

Quick question. The night could have ended either way. Yeah, there's one or the other. And I've been so lucky that it went that way. Either way. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky.

I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky.

I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky. I've eaten in one sitting. Like...

Six. Oh, yeah. I've had... Yeah, I've crushed six. Yeah, I've had six. Yeah, it's a half dozen. It's three bucks. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A half dozen is where you have to top out on that. It's... They... You gotta do that drunk, though. I can't eat six. No way.

That's drunk for sure. It's too much of a great thing. It should be illegal for them to be that cheap. They should sell two per customer. Yeah. There should be a limit. There should be a limit. Quantities. cheap. They should sell two per customer. There should be a limit. Limited quantities. You got kids out here?

Stop with these radical ideas. People are dying, Sean. They're dying in the street. We don't have your metabolism. Sometimes I want seven or eight tacos in a sitting. Sometimes I just want to throw one away. If you can do a pull-up, then you can buy six tacos. Yeah, that's fair. I like them cold, too.

They're like a really dirty quesadilla. Yeah, they are. Dirty, dirty quesadilla. It's a dirty quesadilla. That was my nickname in college, bro. Chantel Jordan? Time for your second pick. 7-Eleven Tornado Rollers.

Oh, the rollers! Those like roller taquito things that you eat at 7-Eleven? Go-go taquitos. Go-go taquitos. I knew somebody was going to get to that. That's a good garbage food. Speaking of like so broke in New York, they have two for like $1.50. Yeah.

And I don't get those. I go with the jalapeno. The chicken. The chicken one. The chicken roller um like they're the jalapeno chicken the chicken one yeah the chicken roller well they're all the same the chicken roller is not i'm not you're not letting me have it the chicken roll is not part of it there's no taquito well they're like chicken i'm talking about like the roller they call them tornadoes they're all rollers they're all rollers if it's on the grill it's a roller yeah but the hot dogs are on the grill well those those are hot dogs like any other chicken but you know what i'm talking about

it depends on yeah it's like a little chicken i put those in a bun no i'm saying like it's The hot dogs are on the grill. Well, those are hot dogs. But the chicken, but you know what I'm talking about. It's just chicken. It depends on who you eat it. Yeah, it's like a little chicken log. I put those in a bun. No, I'm saying like it's like a ticino. Oh, you put them in a bun? Yeah, you don't put them in a bun? No, I never even thought of that.

You put a chicken roller in the bun. Oh, my God. I never thought about that either. Yeah, it's great. It's great. Eat that shit like a hot dog, man. That's sick. Get some onion on there.

I can't believe this podcast is free. People are learning fucking valuable free valuable lessons dropping jewels this can turn into a cookbook used to get the soda fountain cups and fill them with the chili and the cheese who would do that dinger oh my god yeah that was one of my first stand-up jokes was doing that what is young what a young legend so he'd use it like a dipper? No, he would say like a – he'd be like, I'm going to get a soda from the fountain, the soda fountain, and then just fill the cup up with the nacho cheese. Like he would pay $1.50 for a bowl of chili essentially. Would he pay for the cup first and then be like, oh, I forgot to fill it up?

Yeah. I don't know exactly how he did it. It would be very funny to walk up to a counter with just a Slurpee cup. It just smells like... Yeah. He's like, dude. Because that is... It does.

You catch it from a ways away. Is this chili? No, that's... I can smell 7-Eleven chili for three clicks. That's Sprite Remix. That's Sprite Remix. Here's the move. You get a cup, fill it up with cheese, get one of those rollers, put it in a bun, dip

it in the cheese. Shit. Game done changed. That sounds tight. The jalapeno cream cheese go-go taquitos, or whatever you're calling them, are so good. Yeah. The jalapeno cream cheese are- That's my favorite one.

I don't like- They have the steak in Monterey. Yeah. That one's not as good. I don't like that one as well. I always get one of these and I wish I would have got two of the jalapenos yeah right that's always the thing that freaks me out like the chicken i'll do with the red if it's red meat on there's something about them 7-eleven's up to code don't worry they're good it's gray meat don't worry about it uh those are so good that was like

my entire early 20s was walking to a 7-eleven getting like three of those. I wish I could say it wasn't my mid-thirties, but it is. It's fixing to be my entire mid-thirties. You have a youthful visage. My entire mid-thirties. My mid-thirties are going to last a while. There's no churched up... I guess there are churched up taquitos. What do they call them at Mexican food restaurants?

Aren't there... Flautas. I've gotten them at a restaurant it's pretty good they are actually a little different i think i think it's a thinner wrap yeah yes exactly well you'd be the expert shane torres you can get them at the store just that box of taquitos yeah oh that's bomb i love those get a little sour cream also if you're in the great state of texas you got to give them a shot water burger taquitosquitos? Yeah. Every time I go to Austin to do comedy, people are like, don't go to Whataburger. Do it.

It's like our Burgerville. You know, it's just like. Is it? Burgerville's like nice, though. Yeah, yeah, but not nice. That's what the caveat. You know what I mean? It's like a.

It's like you're worse than McDonald's. Is it worse than McDonald's? No way. You think Whataburger's worse than McDonald's? I think Whataburger's better than McDonald's in a lot of ways, but as far as. I always thought it was Whataburger. It's Whataburger think Whataburger is worse than McDonald's? I think Whataburger is better than McDonald's in a lot of ways. I always thought it was Whataburger. It's Whataburger? Whataburger.

Like, what a burger. Whataburger. I know, but I thought it was Whataburger, not Whataburger. Yeah, you're saying it the way people from Philadelphia say water. Yeah. Water? You're saying it like, why? I'm just saying it the way everybody in Texas says it.

Who would know? I'm from Texas. Whataburger. Whataburger. Stay away from the one on Alta Mesa Boulevard in Fort Worth, Texas. Wow, what happened there? My brother pissed all over the grill when he worked. Oh, no.

Yo. Whoa. Which brother? The one who I think it would? Yes. Okay. What? He peed on the grill?

Yeah. Hot or cold? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I don't know. Well, if it's hot, that's fucked up, because now he's standing in his own, like, hot piss mess.

It's like a hot piss sauna in the kitchen after that. It's that Whataburgers are 24 hours, so it's always hot. Okay. Oh, boy. Did he get fired, or was he just like, ah? Did he get steamed? Did he pee on the grill before or after he quit? I'm not sure, actually.

I feel like he didn't, like, sneak in and piss on it after he quit. It was two years after he worked there. Yeah, he just walks in. Fuck you! He went through a breakup that had nothing to do with them, but walked in and did that anyway. Just in case she gets here. I can't fucking be here right now!

Whatever, Susan. Break up with this. Pissing on a girl. Well, Shane, I think we're all excited for you to golden shower us with your next pick. Let me get them movie theater nachos. Ooh, da-da-ta.

What are you, a fucking millionaire? Movie theater nachos? Fucking psycho. They never sit right. Like, that is a thing. Are we just talking about stuff that gives us the scoops? My favorite name for diarrhea is the green apple splatters. Why green apple?

I don't know. I don't know. It feels right. It does, though, right? I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. Maybe green apples give you diarrhea, or did once, back when that coin was coined. I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

The first thing that made up terms made up the green make up a term every day he's like well i had green apples last night i have diarrhea today green apple splatter term of the day yeah some would be shakespeare movie theater nachos now we may we may also know these as what like stadium nachos i think stadium nachos might be but like you know they just come in the plastic the plastic yeah yeah yeah and now be different. But they just come in the plastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now they don't even put the chips in the thing. Oh, they're in a bag.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I've seen that. And there's just that little side for your cheese that's never enough. But it's almost too much as it is. How much cheese do you need to beat off in a movie theater with, though? I don't need a lot. And then I eat the chips to cover up the sound. Movie theaters have been fucking up.

They used to give you popcorn in those buckets. Yeah. And now, at least in L.A., it's like a big bag. I don't like it. I like some structural integrity. We were at a movie one time. But also, if you want jalapenos, some of them they don't even have yeah at a lot of the theaters it's a fucking problem you gotta go to the condiment station yeah and just

dip in yeah where all these fucking little kids have had their fingers in your fucking yeah yeah and there's just salt and pepper packets floating around i know it's fucking awful i don't like when the movie theater lets me pick how much butter i use oh no me neither i can i always overestimate at the movie theater in the pick how much butter I use. Oh, no. Me neither. I always overestimate. At the movie theater in the Americana, there's a butter faucet. Yeah. I guess you'd call it. I don't know what else to call it.

Oh, there's like a butter pump? A spigot? A butter pump? Yeah. A butter well? In Highland Park, they got that, too. It just gets all on the top, though. And then you try to like...

How do they do... Oh, because they do... Because there's not enough room... Because they do scoop, scoop, butter, butter, scoop, scoop, butter, butter. Good movie theaters do. That's how they do it. But this one doesn't. This one has its own. That's an AMC move.

Yeah. That's none of this Lowe's shit. I've never hooked up my own popcorn well. Me neither. But they have the specialty seasonings and stuff. Yeah. I've always wanted to get one of the, like, let me get herb and spice seasoning or whatever, but I never do.

It never works. I like going to the Americana. It's the one thing that doesn't feel like Disneyland. You know? It's the popcorn. I got to throw this in real quick. The caramel popcorn? Yeah. Breakfast.

Like, you have it as cereal. You put it in a bowl with milk. You were saying that to me. Oh, shit. Yeah. What? Yeah. Oh, shit.

It is incredible. I think that's probably great. I see it. Yeah. I see it. You can't do too much milk. But it's got, yeah. You got a little promethazine in there? Yeah.

You got to cut it with promethazine. Cut it with promethazine. That sounds amazing. Movie theater nachos. What is the... Is there a kind of movie you won't get nachos for? Is there a kind of movie you won't get snacks for? I'm not going to go on with this.

Will you go see Manchester by the Sea with nachos? If I go see a Bert the Sea with nachos? If I go see a Merchant Ivory film and that smell is in the theater. Oh, this is some sad shit. And I don't mean to put you on the spot. I'm putting us all on the spot.

What is a Merchant Ivory film? Yeah, I don't know what that is. You don't know either, do you? It's a production company. What does it mean, though? They make, like, period pieces. You're probably right. Yeah.

Good for you. Damn. Yeah. Man, you guys are going at necks today. I wasn't even going at necks. I wasn't. I wasn't. I just assumed because I, and here's why I'll say that, I've thrown around Merchant Ivory

as a reference. Not kind of knowing what it meant, but not really knowing what it meant. I'm like, probably a lot of buttons and ruffles. I feel like a lot of Jane Eyre shit. It's a production company founded in 1961 by Ismail Merchant, who's dead, and James Ivory. I didn't say it like that.

Who was alive. He did. Alive. Do they make Little Women? They make, yeah, The Householder, Bombay Talkie. They've made a grip of movies. Have they made a little woman

anything a soldier's daughter never cries surviving oh they made the remains of the day and Howard's End word so when you go see Howard's End or for example

the city of your final destination you'll get nachos you'll get nachos you get nachos for that movie I probably yeah let's throw out some more movies your final destination. You'll get nachos. You'll get nachos. You'll get nachos for that movie? I, I... Probably, yeah. Let's throw out

some more movies and let's see if you would get nachos going to those movies. On Golden Pond. On Golden Pond. I don't even know what that is.

Bridge Over the River Kwai. Yes. We Were Soldiers. Yes, absolutely. The Emperor's New Groove. Of course. Okay. Mulan.

Yes. Okay. Schindler's List. Yeah, two helpings. Two helpings. It's a long movie. The course. Mulan. Yes. Schindler's List. Yeah, two helpings. It's a long movie. Moonlight? Oh, Moonlight. Would you get nachos at Moonlight? Moonlight. Am I alone? Die hard.

Are you alone? It's you. Is it just me? You tell us. Are you alone? I don't know what you're talking about. Always. Me and my nachos are going to go on a date tonight. You're going to, okay, here it is. Everybody says you're nice, but you're so mean. You're going to, okay, you're going on a date to moonlight with a girl who you think might be half black.

You don't know for sure. Oh, shit. You don't know for sure. Oh, shit. You don't know for sure. It hasn't come up. I'm really curious. You got her number. You're going to Moonlight. She's a thicker gal.

It's very curly hair, but you don't know. You've been wondering. She says, hey, we should swing by the concession stand, but it's on you to order. And you're going to do it. She says it's on you. She's like, hey, get us some snacks. We don't even make it into the theater because I was like, you want to go by the concession stand, but now I have to order.

Well, here's what happens. She says she's hot. She's a thicker girl, though. And she says, hey, I'm going to hit the bathroom. Will you get us something? Will you get us some snacks for the movie? She says, I don't care. I don't care.

Get whatever. You go to the concession stand. You're going to see Moonlight, by the way. But she also could be Leban care. I don't care. Get whatever. You go to the concession stand. You're going to see Moonlight, by the way. But she also could be Lebanese. You don't know. She might be. She might be Lebanese. She might just be kind of darker. She might be like Italian. She's not going to be Armenian. But she's lived in Texas

as long as you've known her. Her name is Raz Kazgarian, by the way. Is that the guy from the Batman movie? Excuse me, Raz Kazgarian, my female date. Raz Kazgarian. Her name is Eric Boggerian Naboo. Her name is Eric Bogosian. No, her name is...

It's got to be something normal. Lana. Lily. Lily. Lily could be anything. Lily could be anything, dude. I like a lily. Yeah.

What do you get at that... Would you get these nachos? No, but... Hey, lily pad, do you want nachos? What do you get? Ooh, lily pad. That's like a fifth date sort of thing. Oh, that's what you call her apartment, the Lilypad.

Oh, God. Yeah. What do you get at the concession stand? Well, yeah, what do you get? I'm so curious. Medium popcorn. You go combo medium popcorn, double sodas. I go Coke.

I go... And Sprite. Sprite for the lady? Sprite for the lady? Sprite for the lady? No, for... Black people love Sprite. A little bit of each. Oh!

Right? Who doesn't like Sprite? It's for black people, though. It's not. It's for everyone. Sprite has made it very clear that it's for black people. It's clearly for... They had a Voltron rapper commercial, all the basketball commercials.

Drake's body comes apart and he's a machine. Sprite is for black people, friend. It's green. He hands her his, like... He goes, hey, I got Sprite or Diet Coke. It looks like, well, maybe I don't see color. Right, yeah. You go, do you want a Sprite or a Coke?

Oh, that's smart. What? Sprite kids look like Bishop Don Magic Juan's car. Yeah, like Sprite. They made the remix. They didn't call it Diet Sprite. They called it Sprite Remix. That's a Puff Daddy callback

Okay Can you paint my car Sprite color I go Sprite and Coke And let her pick the soda But I also go You gotta get a candy right Yeah you gotta go

What are you getting Like a Jujubee situation Sour Patch Kids No no I'm not doing Sour Patch Raisinets Sour Raisinets

Come on We don't know man Is she an accountant Do I know that about her I don't even understand What you tell us It's your day Raisinetsets? Come on. We don't know, man. Is she an accountant? Do I know that about her? I don't even understand what you tell us. It's your day. It's your day. We're not dating this girl.

Raisin Nets? That's a terrible case. Raisin Nets are delicious. Snow Caps. What? Weird. Or Hot Tamales. Hot Tamales?

I'm Mexican. You're going to have tamale breath all during Moonlight. Yeah, well, I can't do nachos. I got to get my tamale on a hot date tonight. You don't do nachos on a date. I don't know a lot, but I know that. In a pinch. When you can't get nachos, hot tamales will do.

The cinnamon candy. Oh, man, that's so funny. The nachos of the West, they say. Nachos of the West. David Borey of the West, and it's time for your second pick The final pick of the second round It's funny because you said nachos Have you guys had tachos? I love tachos

They are so good But I always feel so bad about them They're so greasy Have you ever had them? I'm trying to think of the first time I had them Holman's is where I had them for the first time I was definitely in the Northwest In Los Angeles At Barney's Bean where I had them for the first time. I had them for the first time in the Northwest.

In Los Angeles. Really? At Barney's Beanery. They called them Irish nachos there. Oh. Yeah. Why do they gotta get sus Irish?

I thought Irish nachos would have been a Hormel chili with whiskey in it. No, they cut it with chili. There probably is a whiskey chili.

I bet there's a good whiskey chili. Oh, I bet there is. You can make some right after this. Take that Jameson down there, pour it in a can of Hormel. It's like a sidewalk slammer. It's made in your stomach.

Is Hormel your preferred brand of chili? Yeah. Of canned chili? There's no... Yes, it is. Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take away from you.

Stag. I'm a stag guy. Yeah, stag. I like Wolf. Oh, Wolf. That's a deep cut chili. You know what would be dank is some tachos with Hormel and Velveacho situation i do like wolf i know i'm just joking i just i love tater tots so much yeah i do too but like every time i eat tachos i just feel like a piece of shit afterward

i think it's like tater tots are only supposed to be with like one dipping yes because tater tots on their own are pretty rich. Like chips are dry. Yeah. You kind of need all those fixings. And they're more absorbent than fries with oil. Yeah. They carry that grease. They're a barreled hash brown. Yeah. Helium barrels. Do you remember helium barrels? Those soggy pieces of shit.

They call tater tots helium barrels. So grown-ups had to be like, could I get a side of helium barrels for my date, please? Hello, I served in the Marines, and I am a grandfather, and I would like some helium barrels. I'm here to see Sinbad.

I'm a veteran, and I'd like some helium barrels. Were they good, though? Yeah, they were good. I don't know the last time I had a bad tater tot. Especially how? I have never had a bad tater tot. Especially ordered at a restaurant?

I don't think I've ever had a bad tater tot. Tater tots are the perfect ratio of surface area. They got the crunch. And they hold the dipping sauce so well. They so well. That's my problem with French fries. Like McDonald's fries, you can't dip them in anything. No, it doesn't stick.

I need a steak fry. It just starts falling off. Or I need a, man, the ranch. Ranch and tater tots. It just. That's what's up. It sticks in the crevices. That's what's up.

You know what I'm saying? That's what's up. When you and Lily go, yeah, it sticks in there. I feel like I see tacos at hipster bars a lot now. Yeah. Hipsters are reclaiming a lot of shit. But they're like, another thing they're fucking up is like, it should be too much food for one person.

It's got to be. Tacos should be. Yeah. And then they're not. They're like a single serving. Small plates. Yeah. Just like, yeah. And you just went. Oh, yeah. They'll give you like five tater tots if they've dressed up with like pork be. Yeah, and then they're not. They're like a single serving. Small plates. Yeah, just like, yeah.

And you just went, oh, yeah, they'll give you like five tater tots if they've dressed up with like pork belly. I hate that. I hate that. Queso fresco and pork belly. Fuck you. And I was like, I like the idea, but do it right. Give me the garbage. Charge me more.

Yeah. I'm pretty okay with that, but I'm not. I hate feeling ripped off after I pay 12 bucks for an appetizer. Yeah, exactly. You're like god you've gotta be fucking kidding and I know I'm turning into that guy like where's the rest of it where all that guy is

but when you're getting tater tots it's like that's a quantity sitch it's not a quality sitch I got tater tots I know who I am right exactly I know where I'm at I want a basket of fucking fried shit pig maly and my fair lady fucking tater tot bullshit? No.

You're a cockney. Go back. Go back to Liverpool, you. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this. There's a lot. There's a lot. You got so mad.

Go back to Liverpool, you. I don't know. That metaphor, that inner pole fell apart. Tachos are good as hell, though. Tachos aren't good as hell, but I feel bad every time I eat them. They feel so terrible. There's always so much oil residue on the paper. Yeah.

And you're always just like, I ate that. Right? That's why it's good if they could just come in a basket and there's no residue. And it's also good that you don't make them at home. Yeah. You can. You can put lace and foil down, but they're not as good. Yeah.

You need like a real fry. Yeah, tater tots are never that good. I don't make french fries in the oven either, though. Me neither. That's like one of those, like, do you guys want burgers and fries? You're like, yeah, and then it's just an or-ida box, you see.

Oh, never mind. I don't even, because I don't even fucking You see someone go to the freezer, alright, cool, here's the fries fries. You're like, fuck off. Give me the burger. And they're like, oh, I'm just going to – let's just go out to eat. Yeah. I hate fries at home.

Home fries are – not home fries. Home fries at home don't work. It's weird. Although my buddy Dougie had a fryer for a while. Well, that's a different story. One of those fry babies? Yeah. The fry daddy.

Way different. Those were real popular for a little bit. It's fucked up, man. We fried so much shit. You ever fried the- How often did you clean the oil? Ooh. That shit was-

That's the wrong question. That shit was like gravy by the end. Rarely. Rarely. Rarely. Rarely. We used to fry those fucking frozen chimichangas. You heat that up in the microwave for a couple minutes, drop that in the deep fryer. Holy shit, man.

I love it. Let's find out what else you would drop in the deep fryer with your third pick. With my third pick, I'm going to go, and this is a weird one because it's very local. You're in a safe space. Nothing weird. Alright, cool. My friend, he, my friend's mom and dad used to work at a restaurant. Yeah. Where they met and got married. They had a Mexican cook there named Victor.

Yeah. Victor used to make this thing called Victor Slop. I know Victor. I could see Sean looking at me across the street. Victor used to make this shit called Victor Slop, and then my friend's mom would make it. And it was like she'd get a big ass pan, and she'd fry up bacon, and then she'd put chorizo in there. Oh, damn. And then she would cut up steak and put it in that motherfucker.

Heat it all up together, serve it on tortillas, burrito style. What do they call it? Victor slop. Victor slop. And it was so gnarly. And my buddy's dad, he like... That's like a rich... That seems almost like a...

Imagine that, but with sour cream and cheese. Oh, my God. And my buddy's dad would just like... I'd be eating it, and he'd be like, you're doing it wrong. You've got to sop up the grease with the tortilla. He would go and take the tortilla, just dip it in the grease in the Victor's.

My dad would do that when he made tamales. He would just slow cook the pork shoulder all day. Yeah, yeah. And the butt. And then he would drain the grease out of it. We'd pull the pork, put it in the pot so it's just the pork. Yeah. And then he'd pour the grease back in, the fat back in and like give it more flavor oh my god dad's love grease yeah dad do love

dad's love grease and taken yeah kane's got that great joke about like a dad cooking bacon with a shirt off second generation white trash. Yeah. He's getting burned. Don't care. I can't believe people fell in love at the same place Victor Slop was invented. I can't believe that has anything to do with any love story.

Yeah. Dude, it was like, and this is like, I would be eating that. I was probably like 18, 19 when I was hanging out with them. And even then, even then when it was all trash all the time,

I still would sometimes be like, I can't eat this. That's a lot. It's crazy. That feels like the end of the time, I still would sometimes be like, I can't eat this. That's a lot. It's crazy. That feels like the end of the day. It was so much that you couldn't do it with the big burrito tortillas. We had to do it with the little soft taco tortillas. Right, just because you ate a burrito amount of that?

Oh, yeah. Holy shit. You're dead. It was great, though. I'm trying to think of how my body would even cope with that. It's bad, man. Remember how you used to be able to just do that? Have you ever had hot, painful diarrhea?

Yes. That's what it is. It's like... After a cheap wing day every week, that's what that is. You go to a cheap wing day every week? No, I don't. I go quite a bit, though. Jalapeno poppers often give me hot, painful diarrhea.

That's the popper part. That's the popper part. That's the popper part. Spicy garlic buffalo wild wings. That feels like Razor's coming out. That might be what I eat later today. I ate a bunch of wings last week by myself. Yes. I did not feel good.

Dude. Because I got a bunch. I got wings. Because when you get wings, you got to get wings for the house. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Who's home, man? Come on. I got some wings Because when you get wings, you got to get wings for the house. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Who's home, man? Come on.

I got some wings. Blah, blah, blah. Nobody came home. Whoa, what a bummer. Nobody came home. What a great day. It was a great day at the time, but it's like now I got a house 25 wings. Here's the problem.

Yeah. You can do cold wings, though. That is like wings are. Man, if you eat two-thirds of those wings, you've got to eat the whole thing. Wings. Were you guys raised with the clean your plate philosophy of your parents? Like, eat what you take? There wasn't a lot on the plate. Eat it or wear it.

Yeah, yeah. Eat it or wear it? That was what my... God damn it. They just lined you up and threw it at you. Not Sue Carmel. It was my older brother and sister have a different dad, and that was their dad's philosophy. Eat it or wear it?

Eat it or wear it. Could you just pick wear it? You could. What was wear it? You'd have poured it in the front of your shirt, I guess? I don't know. That man was out of the house by the time I came around. For good reason. Ivan Carmel had different philosophies. Eat it! Exclamation point.

Eat it! Victor Slop, amazing pick. Amazing name. Shout out to Victoror i hope he's still around i can't imagine there's no way he's around i can't imagine he he he because like he engineered that he invented we hear it now and you're like oh that's delicious but he was in a kitchen like i'm gonna get some of this bacon i'm gonna get some of this chorizo yeah if hit it with some steak if victor's blood was like a google, they would all be like black minutes getting to his heart. Oh, yeah. Just dead stop

traffic. Oh, man. It was like... That shit was... Red minutes maybe in his feet and then black minutes over on the course. Just a dead stop on the interstate. Shane, the main brain vein. Torres? I'm going... This seems kind of general, but I still gotta say it. A sampler platter

from like a Friday's or... Oh, man. Because I guess it's got a lot of things we've already talked about. But it's just carnage. Matzah sticks. Sometimes a quesadilla. Potato skins. Oh, potato skins.

I have a bit of a problem with this pick. I don't mean to... It's like five things. It could be taquitos. It could be... That's the variety of it. It's the problem. That's the...

It's all fried stuff, though. All right. And it's your conscience. So go ahead. And if you want to live your life as such... Then I'm going to go... No, no, no, no. Go ahead.

I'll jump out of it. Go ahead. If the other two are fine with it, I'm fine with it. I'm just... Okay. I'm going to say... I'm just trying to be the commissioner. I'm letting the owners vote. Is the sampler platter, Sean?

Yeah, I'm in. David? Yeah, I understand what you're saying. Sampler platter. I understand what you're saying. I can't wait to see what your listeners, some of them are going to be mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be looking at your address after this, by the way.

You don't even know where I live. Somewhere in Brooklyn. It's a small place. They're going to be mad enough. They'll find you. A sampler platter. Go on. It's just all of those things. So you're like, well, I'll have one wing, and I'll have one mozzarella shirt, and I'll

have, why is there celery here? Sure, sure. Yeah, like, get one of them, and then you're like, well, now I got to work my way. You got to be serpentine with it. You do. And work your way back across the plate. You're not supposed to eat then you're like, well, now I got to work my way. You got to be serpentine with it. You do. And work your way back across. And work your way back across. Well, you're not supposed to eat the whole thing yourself, though.

That's the same goddamn thing. It's for the table. You can't be the guy who ate all the potato skins. Everybody's going to be. It's usually for the table. I've been that dude. You don't want to be that dude. That'll fuck French and stuff.

We can eat those last four potato skins. All right, I'll do it. Were there any more potato skins? Oh, no. They're only. No. Sometimes fried pickles. Yeah.

I always feel like I'm not eating potato skins right. Sure. I're only... No. Sometimes fried pickles. Yeah. I always feel like I'm not eating potato skins right. Sure. I know what you mean. It's got, like, just sour cream. On the potato? On top of it? Yeah, yeah.

You gotta go that way with it. Are you supposed to eat the skin? Yes. Yeah, dude. I eat it. I eat the skin on a baked potato. I eat it like a shooter. Like, I'm just like in there. Like a shooter. You eat it like... You baked potato. I eat it like a cunnilingus.

Cunnilingus! I leave it hot. So this is just a wet pile of potato skin. A satisfied wet pile of potato skin. You don't want to go to TGI Fridays with your boy. Carnage. I do want to go to TGI Fridays with you.

Just wing bones and potato skins What are your power rankings of restaurants To get a sample of platter at Well Bennigan's is gone Bennigan's is gone I worked at it when they closed We slant you That means to your health

Which is kind of ironic I worked at a Bennigan's when they all closed So Bennigan's number one? Yeah, because they had Irish egg rolls, which were basically potato rolls. Yeah, we like potatoes. I'm more Irish than you. Friday, Fridays, and then I like a good Mexican sampled platter. It kind of does in that, because they're just... Mini quesadillas.

Mini quesadillas. There's always a little bit of nachos, guac. You get plenty of... You might get a taquito on that plate. Yeah. I love taquitos. Yeah, so I would say, yeah. Except you wouldn't get a taquito on that plate, because Sean drafted them already.

I'm going to get a box of taquitos after this. Where are we eating after this? I don't know. We need to, though. Let's go to a Ryan's Family Buffet. Sean Jordan, it is time for your third pick. My third pick is going to be tater tot casserole. Oh, the tater tots were in their head for the second time.

I feel like we're pretty close. Zach, does that count? Does this count? I don't know. Pretty close. Tachos and tater tot casserole. You're right. Okay.

You're right. I forgot it was tachos No you lose your pick it goes to you now Stop Panda Express orange chicken Fuck That was so pure That was my next pick

Oh my god Look Can you guys do it It's right there That was my next pick. Oh, my God. Look. Can you guys do it? It's right there. Specifically Panda Express. Specifically Panda Express for chicken. God damn it. That was the most intense moment I've experienced on this podcast.

Yeah, that got so real. Can we, by the way, the calorie counts that they have up at Panda Express. I don't read them. They might as well be. Get French to me. If you got a problem with it, if you need to know when you're eating it. They might as well be. It's like a Surgeon General's morning. I know it's not for pregnant lady.

Give me that shit. Right, exactly. That's a good pick. Thanks, man. Well, we had it. I mean, shit. It's like Is that your favorite Panda? Yeah, when I go to the mall, the Glendale Galleria, I get so excited to go get rice and orange chicken. The Glendale Galleria, home of the original Panda Express.

Are you serious? The first one. They're from Glendale. So do you get double down, like the two entrees? You just get two orange chickens? The other day I fucked up and got Beijing beef and orange chicken. Was that what we went to? Beijing beef is good sometimes. Sometimes. Honey walnut shrimp two orange chickens. The other day I fucked up and got Beijing beef and orange chicken. Was that when we went to? Beijing beef is good sometimes.

Sometimes. Honey walnut shrimp, orange chicken. Is that good? Yes. I wanted to try it the other day. It's good. And I could not bring myself, because I was like, it's either going to be great or so disappointing.

It's great. Yeah. It is great. Yeah, it's great. I always just get the chicken. They did that dim sum place we used to go to. Chicken mess. Yeah.

Yeah, they did. Yeah, when we used to go to. What? The dim sum place. They had honey walnut. Yeah, they did. Yeah, when we used to go to what? The dim sum place. They had honey walnuts. Yeah. I'm not a seafood guy. I just keep an orange chicken.

I'm a seafood guy. I see food. I eat it. All things and everything. Straight to the top. Not a lot to say about orange chicken. It's perfection. It's so good.

It's my favorite thing. It's my favorite food at the mall. Do you guys go rice or lo mein? Lo mein. I do lo mein too. I'm watching my figure a little bit because lo mein's way better. But the rice is okay. I do rice when I... I've got this thing now when I order Chinese food

then I do rice. I just get put another egg in it. You can do that. You can? You can cook up an egg at home? Yeah. That always feels weird that I was cooking up something to put into a food that was delivered. No, no.

I just tell them when I call. I just tell them when I call. Oh, you tell them to do it. I'm just like, I want house special chow mein, or fried rice, extra egg. I got it like that. You get that protein so you can live after your lifts are built. I might do that later. I might do that later tonight.

When you're fucking pumping diesel, bro. Well, we gotta keep it moving. So we're gonna move it off Panda Express

orange chicken. Go for it. Mostly because I'm furious. Yeah, take your next fucking whatever pick. I'm gonna.

I'm gonna hit back. Don't you dare say it. What are you gonna take? You think I'm going across the border?

There's two things I think you're doing. I'm hitting you with the Totino's Party Pizza. Oh, fuck. With ranch and sriracha on it. Oh, damn. That's like my favorite food. That's such a good.

That's such a dollar well spent. I don't even like it. No, I do like it. I fucking love it. Because they're like little tostadas. They're so good. They're just the perfect size. It's not like pizza.

No, it's not. It's a different beast. Here's what I'm talking about. That's what you crush up chips and put on top. Oh, shit. You crush up some and then before you bake it and then it bakes in. That sounds so good. That is brilliant. So one thing that you just said, it feels weird.

I don't know if I could wait that long, but that is brilliant. It's great. Do you guys ever get a jalapeno and cut it up and put it on your Totino's and bake it? That's a great idea. It's one of those weird feelings where you're like, I'm going to go buy a jalapeno and a party pizza, and I'm going to prepare this party pizza. What two different fresh produce and a $1 pizza? The people at the checkout stand won't even make eye contact.

I got a gun to my head the whole time. I'm like, sell it to me. It's clearly 12.30 on a Tuesday. It puts you on a no-fly list somehow. I fucking love it. I put the ranch and the sriracha on. It's the best food. That's what I love about party pizza.

It's like ramen, where a lot of people have a lot of different ways they hook it up. Yeah. That's another thing I'll do. Yeah, yeah. It's ramen. I'll drop an egg in there. It's the spice of life. Yeah.

Totino. Just because we've got to keep it moving here, I'm going to go to my next pick. But I fucking love the Totino's Party Pizza with rant. It's so good. It's so trashy, though. It's the most garbagey. I ate that through my early 20s, too. And you're going through the whole.

It's another thing of like, you're going through the whole box. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're eating that whole thing. Oh, yeah. Can you not eat one at a time? I mean, if you eat one, you're gone. If you leave, if you're putting Totino's back in the fridge.

Yeah, I've never saved a Totino's. Nah, no. What kind of shit a psychopath would do? What kind of fucked up person buys a Totino's but is also the kind of person who doesn't finish a Totino's? Right? Who raised you? Oh, I don't want to go crazy and eat this whole Totino's. Yeah.

It's a dollar. If you're the kind of person who buys that, you're the kind of person who eats the whole thing. Yeah, for sure. True story. You get two and you can make like a calzone about it. Fried pickles. Oh, yeah. It's a great fried pickles thing.

Fried pickles, dude. I love fried pickles. I probably wouldn't have known what they were until like two years later if I hadn't met you. Yeah. I'm a fried pickleman. I fucking love them. Best ones. I celebrate all of them. I like the medallions, but I like the spears the most. years later if i hadn't met you yeah i'm a fried pickleman i fucking love them best ones i celebrate all of them i like the medallions i like them but i like the spears the most at specifically the

ones from fire on the mountain sure portland oregon also in denver 20th and burnside the one southeast 20th and burnside or go home that's my favorite one it's the fucking bet you do this and there's the spears i've never i've only've only had them a day. Oh, they're so good. It comes with this Chipotle dipping sauce. Specifically at that one, they have this. The breading is fantastic. It's like panko. I hesitate to call it panko. So it's not tempura.

It doesn't all come off at once. Yeah. I hesitate to call it a garbage food, but whatever. Just a little bit. I mean, you don't feel good after you eat them. You don't feel good after you eat them. Yeah. I ate them so much that we were out with a bunch of people.

This is one of my favorites. I think Sean and Shane, I think you may have each taken one, because I'll get them for the table sometimes. But mostly for me. Yeah. And this guy, what was the guy's name again? No, no, no, no. I won't even say his name.

If he listens to this, he's going to remember. He will remember. He asked me for, we were like buddies, but we weren't friends. You know what I mean? He was in the circle. And he was like, hey, Ian, can I get one? And I had to tell him no like look at david that is the craziest shit i've ever heard yeah how you might put one toasty to pizza roll back

in the fridge he asked for one and you said no? It was. I said no. One of the coldest fucking things I have ever seen in my life. Because he wasn't really, he was kind of a hanger on anyway. He wasn't really with the crew like that. Isn't that fucked, dude? He didn't buy his own food.

So he was just sitting there for the company. And then he was like, oh, maybe I'll get in on this like appetizer. That is key to the story. Like when you sneak a picture or something. Yeah. That is key. He didn't order any food. He didn't food he didn't order like how many pickles beers were there at the time five or six there were six on the table and you still cut him down i gave and by the way they're full-size pickles like they're long yeah it's like half a pickle by the way they all got

eaten we ate we had we ate fine no i figured you... And then this dude had to sit there? Yeah. Now he's got to live like that? He's got to stay here? These dudes are munching pickles? Oh, man. That's like making... Did that dude quit comedy yet? Yeah, I think so.

He definitely is not doing comedy. Yeah, no, of course not. All right, so we're going to finish up the fourth round. We'll make the fifth round a speed round. Okay. But, Sean Jordan, you have your fourth pick. It's going to be Chislic. And it's a regional.

I knew it. This comes up. It's a regional South Dakota Midwest thing. It's the official food of this podcast. It's deep fried steak with garlic salt on it that you dip in barbecue sauce. And then you have Texas toast on the side. It's a whole dish. Get it at bowling alleys mainly.

Bowling alleys and Tommy Jack's Pub in Sioux Falls is where you get it. It sounds good. And it is ill. Dude get it at bowling alleys mainly bowling alleys and tommy jack's pub in sioux falls is where you get it and it is good ill dude it is so good it sounds do you know how to make it you can't make it you gotta have a fry you gotta have a fryer or you can if you want to get crazy you can like uh you can make it in a pan like a skillet oh dog if you got the recipe i don't i can i'm a fryer you want the recipe real quick'm a fryer. You want the recipe real quick? Chop up a steak. We'll cut a meat. Does it matter? We keep it pretty simple in the Midwest.

What part of meat? The cow. I think that's the part. Go get some of that on sale past midnight meat. Yeah. And then some garlic salt. When the price goes down at midnight, we're like, we got to move this in six hours. This stuff starts to get bacteria if we keep it in the store too long. Let's get up and walk out of the store if we don't sell it.

Oh, man. Yeah, we were in Seattle one time, and they had it on the menu. I was with you. Shane's like, you've got to get Chiswick. So I get it. And then Shane takes a bite, and he's like, I don't get it. Haters in the building. And I was like, what's there to get it haters in the building and i was like what's

there to get i told you exactly what it was it was it's deep fried steak like it's you know like it's the second coming i mean like chicken fried steak breading no no just just steak that you put in a fryer you don't bread it or anything you just take the oh it's not breaded and then garlic salt and then you put garlic salt on it and then you dip it in barbacuzzle And then I got some Texas tizzle Here's my question When we were in Seattle Was the version of it we had in Seattle good? You couldn't make deep fried steak

To me that wasn't good You couldn't do it I didn't like it Contrarian over there I'm allowed to have an opinion and disagree. Well, let's hear your opinion on what your fourth food item is going to be. I'm going to go very specific. You might remember this.

Yep. Pints of ice cream from a convenience store, Bunny Tracks, late night. Oh, Bunny Tracks. Oh, man. Bunny Tracks are like Ben and Jerry's fucking fish food removed five times a day. Is that when we would go to the plaza? It's got twice as many calories as Ben and Jerry's. Really? It's like 4,000 calories in a pot.

Is it just straight cream? It's so good. When we lived together, we would walk over to the convenience store. Fuck up some bunny tracks. And then I lied to myself by not drinking soda. I'm being healthy. I will

get a bunny that's also like a right timing that's like a that's like a bench sub that's like a match-up yeah because it's just you don't want it all the time no yeah but you would get it all the time well they're like that like well I didn't drink tonight I'm in early I deserve a treat right so let me go get 4,000 calories a different way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just like. Oh, man. And then just like shitting a brick the next day.

Oh, my God. You just shit out the whole pint. Yeah. It comes right back out. What? What flavors are we talking? Oreo, right? Like a little bit of Oreo.

There was like an Oreo. But Bunny Tracks was. Wasn't Bunny Tracks the flavor? Bunny Tracks was the kind of ice cream. Which was like. It had like pretzel sticks in it Bunny Tracks was the kind of ice cream. It had pretzel sticks in it. Oh, like money on football. Have you ever had that?

Bunny Tracks was the kind. Yeah, because it was just like... I remember this one of the stories. I think so. I just read it. I was like, Jesus Christ, there's 4,000 calories. And he just goes, you asshole. You're going to say it like that? Why would you let us know?

We don't want to know. We're living our lives. I just read it out loud. It was like I walked by somebody and said the end of Star Wars. I know. It was like that. Except I was living in Star Wars. Bunny tracks ice cream. Well done. David Borean,

it's time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick, I'm gonna go go Arby's Beef and Cheddar. Oh, yes. Four of those got me through a whole nine-hour skateboarding day in Minneapolis. We'd go and we'd get two of those for lunch, two of those for dinner, and that was the day. Would you put the horsey sauce and the Arby's sauce on there? No, just as much Arby's sauce was in the building, as much as I could get. Carmel's a horsey sauce man. I'm a horsey sauce man, too. I love the horsey sauce. I loveby's sauce? No, just as much Arby's sauce was in the building, as much as I could get. Carmel's a horsey sauce man.

I'm a horsey sauce man, too. I love the horsey sauce. I love horsey sauce. It's so good. In fact, if I go to Arby's anymore, that's the siren song that will bring me in. I like it now. That's probably the best food place I've eaten at the least is Arby's. People really knock it, especially

in California. The Simpsons went so hard on it, and so did The Daily Show. Yeah, yeah. They just all trashed it. I made fun of Arby's on Chelsea Lately. And what did they do? They sent me a kind letter saying, thank you for mentioning our chain. And they sent me a Tumblr, a cup, an Arby's cup, an Arby's journal with the Arby's logo on it with a pen.

It's got the secret recipes. They sent me two gift cards how much each for five dollars there it is two five dollar gift cards I'm gonna tweet at them

later and see what happens see what happens dog try it man I've tried to tweet I've tried to get be the official sponsor of Cuddy Sark they didn't tweet back

old English I got yeah they don't Cuddy Sark is a is a little bit of a different game Sark it's a different game

that David Boy's on top of, though. If I saw David's face selling me Cutty's Sark, I'd be like, I'm a Cutty's Sark man. You would be a Cutty's Sark man. Absolutely. I embody Cutty's Sark. Yeah, you do. Everything about me is Cutty's Sark. In a Cutty's Sark outfit.

From the tip to the chin. I'm sorry. I misspoke, David. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. You regal son of a bitch. Thank you. You know what I love about Arby's?

Here's my favorite fact about Arby's. R-B, roast beef, Arby's. Yeah, a lot of people bitch. Thank you. You know what I love about Arby's? Here's my favorite fact about Arby's. Arby, roast beef, Arby's. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that. They don't. That's great. Also. That's great. Also, curly fries standard.

I appreciate a little bit of thought. Yeah, I didn't know that. I really do. Yeah. Curly fries standard, which is cool. Yes. Yes, that's a, yeah. Great cheese sticks.

The beef and cheddars, they are great cheese sticks. Great cheese sticks. And now they have like- Arby's 5 for 5 was like- They had potato triangles for a little while. Do you remember those? Yeah. Those things.

They have mac and cheese triangles for a minute too. Yes. They used to have fish sandwiches. Arby's is great. Arby's is great. And they have like five kinds of sauces now. They got like that triple pepper sauce, horsey sauce. They got a grip.

Their commercial also has that Pusha T song in it. Really? Yeah. There's no Pusha rapping, but it's the beat from it that uh burial song that makes me that makes me oh yeah somebody over at arby's is pretty good like onion buns right is that yeah yeah yeah hardy's did that too i think they have a lot of and arby's has like hella good specialty sandwiches yeah like they had a brisket thing they dropped for a minute. Oh, shit. They had a shitty Reuben that was pretty good. A shitty Reuben. No, the Arby's Reuben is really good.

Like if you're going and expecting like a Cantor's Deli Reuben or whatever, you're going to be disappointed. But if you go into it just like, let me get a fast food sandwich, it's fucking great. Arby's is fantastic. I don't know. I don't know who mounted this. I don't like it. Yeah.'t i don't understand it stops here i'd love to see the person coming out of an arby's like didn't care for the reuben like what the fuck did you think i've never seen

anybody coming out of an arby's i've never seen anybody actually eat arby's everybody dies they bash it on the internet that you haven't had Arby's since you were 12 bro right exactly you just want to do those kind of trick test things to people who have such hard opinions yeah we're having a party come over there's going to be like my uncle's making his famous

roast beef you're going to love it you just put it out on plates instead of like yeah oh you got to get some of this horseradish sauce. Yeah. Fuck you, Brian. Yeah. That's an Arby's.

It was Arby's. Yeah. Enjoy your Deerhoof concert. Just soylent green them. Yeah. Excellent pick. Now, unfortunately, this is going to be an abridged edition, so we have to do a speed round for the last round.

We're just going to name it and then say a couple things about it. So, David, you're the first up with your fifth pick. I'm going with the Chef Boyardee single-serve raviolis from back in the day. Oh, fuck yes. You remember that? Yeah. Fuck yes. I never touched them.

With the metal lid? You never had those? No, no. Oh, my. You had to pull off the metal lid, and then the top had holes in it to be microwave safe. Yep. And then you put it in there for about two minutes. True.

Oh, man. Pull it out. Hot ravioli. It was great. It was so good. It was so great. put it in there for about two minutes. True. Oh, man. Pull it out. Hot ravioli. It was great. It was so good. It was so great. I will eat Chef Boyardee cold. I fucking love it cold. Chef Boyardee.

I love it. I like, except I don't like spaghetti and meatballs. Oh, I even like that. I like everything else they make. But the ravioli is clutch. Yeah. There are a bunch of savory guys here, too. We are.

You're the only guy who's gone sweet. I don't like sweets. So far. Yeah, I'm a savory. So far. Desserts. See, I go dessert before the rest of dinner. Oh, I like that.

You're going to put that 4,000 calories of bunny track. Speed round. Shane, what is your fifth? Popeye's fried chicken. What is your fifth one? Damn, that's great. Popeye's fried chicken. Oh, what is it?

Oh, Popeye's fried chicken? Yeah. Spicy, right? He said Popeye's. That's what he calls his grandpa. My Popeye's fried chicken. My Popeye loves fried chicken. My Popeye makes fried chicken. He called calls his grandpa. My pie pie is fried chicken. My pie pie loves fried chicken. My pie pie makes fried chicken.

He called me his gringo grandson. Did he really? No. Oh, okay. He thought I was gay, though. Popeye's fried chicken. Probably because of how you said Popeye's. The fried chicken from Popeye's.

Do you get the spicy, though? Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, got it. No way. Popeye's might be the best fast food fried chicken, I think. Yes. It's definitely better than KFC. It's better than KFC.

I like it better than Church's. I do, too. Church's is pretty, like, low in shit. Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying. I don't like Church's. Church's is, like, bad. Church's got good biscuits, though. Church's got good biscuits. Popeyes biscuits. Church's is the only place I see do gizzards. Oh, I do like gizzards.

Oh, boy. That's pretty cool. I didn't even know they did that. Popeye's fried chicken with that Cajun sparkle on it. Yeah, and the red beans and rice on the side. Yeah, yeah. I didn't miss her. It feels like a meal.

Yeah, Popeye's. I might fuck up some Popeye's later. I'm going back and forth in my head between Zankow and Popeyes. Zankow's so good. Telling Elle Boogie about Zankow last night. She's never had it before. Really? I've never been there either.

I told Ian I was not sold on it the first time I had it. Second time, knocked it out of the park. I'm on board, on board with it. Sean Jordan, your fifth pick, Speed Rant. I'm going to go $5 pizza from Little Caesars. Hot and ready. Can we do that? Because I know we did Tostinos.

Yeah, that's fine. The final pizza of the puzzle. I like it. The final pizza of the puzzle. Is that what you said? The final pizza of the puzzle? I don't know if Shane meant it like that. I'm not going to take ownership. I may say I didn't. I'm not going to take ownership. I may say it wrong, but I'm not going to take ownership.

Fine. Pizza, the puzzle. Pizza, the puzzle. His pi-pi told him about that. This is all I'll say about it. Pi-pi. They don't have their dipping sauces anymore. They got rid of their cheddar jalapeno and their bacon ranch and shit.

That sucks. I used to have six dipping sauces that I would get three of those, and then I would use the crust for breadsticks and dip them in the sauce. They don't sell that when you get the deep dish either? The deep dish is eight bucks, so it's kind of steep. I've never spent more than $5 on a pizza at Little Caesars. Little Caesars is not bad. No, it's not bad.

No, it's good. It's good. Do they do a stuffed crust at all? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. They have a whole menu that I've never even glanced at because I'm like, well, it's not hot and ready. It's for the rich kids.

I'm not trying to fuck you. Maybe for a special day. You just are like, you go in there, you're like like what do you got in the hopper yeah what's ready to go right now you say uh just tell the chef to go what do you say go back there and play jazz take the baseline for a walk on the street dealer's choice playboy get back there and fucking do something and fix your face let's deal with it hey but just so you know it's the spices you're not spicy yeah five dollar pizza from little caesar's pizza pizza it's delicious it is canadian uh my final pick i'm saving it for the last one i knew no one

else would pick it because it's so gross and i'm so ashamed of it but i love it no way vienna sausages oh yeah you didn't go i usually can go with you on. Yeah. You didn't go. I usually can go with you on stuff. I didn't go sweet. I know. I can't go. Nobody goes with me on this. I do not love Vienna sausages. You have never had one.

I wonder if it's growing up eating gefilte fish that makes it feel okay for me to eat these cold gelatinous sausages. Did you eat them cold? I had a buddy who would just eat them cold. Cold. Like he would just eat them right out of the can. Yeah, that's me. I was doing a packet.

You have two buddies who do that. And I was researching Vienna sausages. Yeah. Like, just this week. Created by a German guy. Yeah. In Austria, in Vienna. They just called them, like, baby frankfurters for a little while.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's the history on them? They were just like, we need a smaller, grosser sausage. Yeah, it was kind of like, it wasn't, like, too, like, too in-depth. But, yeah, it's like, and I can't remember. There's, you know, It's credited to a guy. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I will visit his grave next time in Europe. Thank him. Do you ever eat him with anything? It's the canned thing. It's the canned... No, raw. They come out in little digits.

I just love them. A toothpick. I just love them. You don't dip them in anything? No. I can't do that, but I love the little smoked weenies. Oh, little smokies. That's a different ballgame.

That's not even garbage food. That's great food. That's Super Bowl food. That's a month down the road. No one said buffalo chicken dip. We got a lot. You think it wasn't on there? It was buffalo ranch dip that was on mine.

Those are so good. So Vienna sausage is my final pick. Only God can judge me. We left a lot of good stuff on the board. Pizza bagel bites, pepperoni sticks. Oh, pepperoni. I love those teriyaki. Monte Cristo sandwiches.

Monte Cristo. I was going to say. I don't think that's garbage. Bennigan's had a good Monte Cristo. Bad for you. It is bad for you. Yeah, you're okay. It's a deep fried sandwich.

Shwarma. Shwarma. I don't count shwarma. Shwarma's kind of garbage. I don't count Schwarma. Schwarma's kind of garbage. I don't count it as garbage. Kind of garbage,

mate. There are some artists in New York. All right. You go to Oasis, Bedford and 7th, North 7th in Brooklyn. I can't believe

nothing got taken off the Taco Bell menu. I wanted to take the whole thing. I love the Crunchwrap. I can't just take one thing off the

Bible of menus. Did you ever fuck with the breakfast Crunchwrap? Why not? Everybody else does it with the Bible. Yeah. I got two in the Minneapolis airport one time because I was up. You had two breakfast Crunchwraps?

Didn't go down good. Mad dogged them. They went down all right. I mean, the plane ride might have been a little bumpy. You know what I mean? They went in just fine. Bojangles, another good chicken. Oh, yeah.

So to recap the draft, real quick, gentlemen. David Boer, you went Velveeta and broccoli, tachos, Victor slop, Arby's beef and cheddar, Boyardi, single-serving raviolis. Yeah. Last meal right there. Yeah. Sugar Shane Torres, you went green bean casserole,

movie theater nachos, a sampler platter. Somebody still doesn't like that. A sampler platter. He was so angry. You know that food we all like, a sampler platter. Shane, if you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you eat? Oh, sampler platters. Bunny track ice cream.

There it is. Doug Christie. That's my perimeter. And pot pot fried chicken. Sean Jordan, you went Hormel chili with a Kraft single on it. Hell yeah. Go-go taquitos. Panda Express orange chicken.

Oh, still burns. Chis-lick. Which you've somehow managed to mention on every podcast every time i've been on this podcast with you you've said chiswick for sure five dollar pizza from little caesar's i went jalapeno poppers jack-in-the-box tacos tatino's party pizza with ranch and sriracha fried pickles and vienna sausages oh god yeah those are all man man. We should have us a night. So much garbage food on this list.

Make sure you go to Ian Carmel and vote. If I put up a poll, I've been trying to do that again. Yeah, make sure you check out Shane's shows, David's shows, Sean's shows, and if you can, come to my taping on February 2nd. Again, go to my Twitter. It's the pin tweet at the top

of the page. And tune in next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. That was a HeadGum Podcast.