All Fantasy Everything - Giant Stuff (w/ Alex Falcone)

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

You know what else is giant? Our love for you, the All Family.Guest:Alex Falcone (@alexfalcone)Shop for exclusive AFE merch, old and new!https://trillblazin.netJoin us for our 10-year anniversary show on September 26 in Portland, OR!https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/89373218/all-fantasy-everything-portland-aladdin-theaterSupport the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is the Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast. on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Everybody before the show gets started, wanted to hop on and tell you about a little 10-year anniversary show that we have coming up in Portland, Oregon,

September 26th at the Aladdin Theater. It is going to be probably the best show we've ever done. 10 years of AFE, if you can believe that, we are so excited to do this show, to announce this show. Tickets are moving fast. So if you have any desire to come to, Portland and check the show out, hop on there and get a ticket. If you live in Portland, go ahead and grab your ticket. It's a Saturday. We're going to have our friends in town.

We're going to have the AFE family favorites. Hopefully we get them. Everyone we want, everyone you want. It's going to be such a blast. So come on out. September 26th, Aladdin Theater, Portland, Oregon. The link will be in the description. You guys are amazing. We love you so much. And we will see you then. Enjoy the show. Shut up! Shut up! Shut your mouth! Shut up!

Leave it in. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that Fantasy Drives anything and everything from the world of pop culture. I lived in Glendale for four years. Shut up! I never heard you talk to a driver like that. Coming out. This is all happening.

Glendale's spilling out. Man. Finish the intro. On today's episode, we're drafting giant stuff. Our guest today, Is our friend of Decade? Uh-huh. At least a decade.

I have Decade in that time. You have Decade. You wrote a book about so many of the decades. I need to do that too. You belayed. That's a book I've read. I have been laid also. I read your book.

No, we've been friends for more than a decade. Easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is your first AIFI. No, this is my first, I was on in 2017. Damn, dude. I'm like one of those 80s movies late sequel. Like 30 years later.

Color of Money situation. Yes, exactly. This is the color of money episode. for me. Alex Falcone. Yes. Oh, my name also. Stand-up comedian. Yes. Uh, writer. Mm-hmm. Um, fun fact, belayer. Accidental educational creator is what I would describe now. Accidental educational creator. That is what has happened to me in the last couple years, oddly. Didn't mean to do it, but it's happened. A wonderful turn of events. Yeah, could be a lot worse. Yeah. Some people have to work. You could be fucking

Sean, dude. Shut up. I'm married. I don't know if I'd be fucking Alex. Well, let's belay that. I'm your host, Ian Carmel with me, as always, are my dear, dear friends and comedian, Sean Jordan, who is wearing a beautiful rugby shirt. Thank you. I was nervous about it. David Borey, who is typically Natalie attired.

All natty, baby. All natty, man, 100% natty. Now, does that mean natural? He's naked? That's a way of saying he's naked. He's naked. He's backed with fat natty. As usual.

Sign up for the life-changing Patreon tier, and we'll do. a naked show for you. David busted the nannies out. We won't. No, I will. I would. You would do a naked Patreon episode? What's the life-changing tier to you? Like, how naked? Full access to D&B?

You want. Naked as I sit. Can they tell you? What does that mean? Naked as I sit. What do you mean by that? Please. The day was cold and dreary. Naked as I sat. Naked as I sat. Naked as I sat. I think if you were just sitting being naked, it would really a lot of

knee on these cameras. Yeah, just like this. I mean... I think you do a leg cross. $100,000. $100,000? Sure. I'll be naked for you.

You would do a naked episode for $100,000? Maybe. I think only fans... He's to split it three ways. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I would do one in my... Can you have to bust it open, too? I got to crack it open like the bang butt?

We were talking about if the J-Hud tunnel would make us nervous. Oh, yeah. You're going to explain what this is. I'm not familiar. So, on the J- Jennifer Hudson daytime television program. Okay. They have a spirit tunnel where a bunch of the show's staffers will line the tunnel.

And then they play a song. And then the guest has to sort of like groove their way down the tunnel. Oh. But all the staffers are kind of like. Oh. But the song is like it's kind of about you. Oh, is that right? So they'll be like, Carmel, Carmel, he's on the Tonight Show.

And they make it. Right. Like it's like vaguely about you. They'll do like, Carmel, Carmel, Carmel, Carmel, Carmel, Carmel Camille. Yeah, but people go nuts on it is the thing. I thought for, the way you were describing it. It sounded, and you guys were nervous about it. I was like, oh, this is some sort of like Disney original film where you go in the tunnel

and it tells your deepest secrets about your relationship. He thought it was like the running man or something. I don't know that those. Yeah, I don't want to do this, but I don't, I'm not as nervous. I think there's some overlap between the two things. She's got a dog. That's good. Who's this one doing it?

Lizzo. Well, I feel like Lizzie. Well, that's a bad example. He's like, he's like, he's a bad example. Chris Pine or somebody who doesn't really know. I do not want to do this. Simon Cowell had the worst one of all the time. I don't know.

There was that biracial guy where they were like, how have you guys seen every one of these? Oh, no. What do you guys do? I watch the Spirit Tunnel. You just watch Spirit Tunnel clips all day? You're on the Internet. You have to run across the Spirit.

No. Wait until, check your phone after this. Now it's going to be hell out. David and I sleep, we lay on the same futon. Uh-huh. And we watch Spirit tunnel clips off. This is a group chat. We have.

E40 was nice with it, too. This is not what I was expecting. you guys to know this month. You gotta get like Elijah Wood or somebody who... No, some guys blow it. You said to Gordon Ramsey blew it? No, no. Simon Cowell.

Oh, yes. He, like, I've never seen someone blow something. Anything as hard as he blew that. For a man who dedicated his life to music, there's a surprising lack of rhythm. Absolutely. There was a beautiful, a sweet bitter poetry. Oh. To him dancing down that hallway.

And then like three people were like kind of mean to him about it. The whole internet. Everybody hated it. Yeah. You know who went nuts was Anderson Pack? Oh, that guy fucking ruled. Yeah, he's got a wig now. Crazy that this is like, Sean gonna hit his wig phase.

I got the most hair in this building, dude. I hate in a wig face. Calm down. Isaac's got a lot of hair. Cut to the ice cam. Yeah, yours is straight. That shit might be thicker than I'm. It's denser because it's curly.

You think my shit's thicker than Isaac's? No. Oh, damn. You're on your back heels for some reason. Because you took that way. Because you started screaming at him. the moment we sat down. You shut up to you!

You shut up! Nobody criticizes me! I criticize you! No, I'm on my back heels. I could wear a wig. Because you took that as like David said your hair was standing, whereas we thought, yeah, that's all what I meant.

You hit your wig face, you bald dickhead? No, that's not what I meant. I meant sometimes people just go, remember when Jamel Johnson had his wig, people just have wig face? Well, and you did wear that Rasta wig for a long time. When you were hosting SNL. That was for his one-man play.

The accent was offensive, but the hair looked good on you. That was the title of the play. Shanting down Sioux Falls. Sean Jordan and Trenchtown Rock. Guan, Guan buy a ticket. I and I was born in Dog Patch in 1981. Juan come see me. We should start doing our own spirit tunnel just to get in here.

Yeah, let's do it. Just to practice. It's clear your fans. It's more I just don't want to be a chance. shame. I got no moves. To practice, yeah. You got moves. I can dance at a wedding. I've danced with you. Both of you. Probably, do you dance at all? No, never.

Then you're like me. I can go both of these two. You could be fine. I do feel like I should learn one. You would be fun in the spirit tunnel. Like one dance absurdly well and nothing else. So like one of those TikTok where they look like they're flying floating around. Like if you did the windmill all the air walk or something. Yes. If I did an airwalk

so you'd be like just one time I'm on the tunnel, I air walked down. My cousin. I'm incredible. Never dancing. My cousin can do that. He's 11. We're in the mall. I bought him a hat for his birthday. Your cousin's 11? Sorry, sorry, my nephew. We got a weird marriage system going on. No, we're at the mall. I bought him a hat for his birthday.

And he said he could air walk. I go, no, you cannot. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There probably would have been a better time for that. This is not my It's not my computer and I got cashew dust on it. I'm sorry, I apologize. He said he could air walk.

Who hasn't been there, though? Yeah, for sure. He said he could air walk. And I go, no, you cannot do it. And he did it. And I'm like, Oscar, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so mad at you.

It's so sick. You were coming from a place of never having fully Crip Walked. No. Any of these cool dances, do you know what the airwalk is? It's when you look like, you look when you're floating. You look like you run floating. It is adjacent to moonwalking in the way you move your feet, but it is like, it's a magic trick. It seems a lot easier than moonwalking.

It is. I can do a version. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Maybe it's, maybe it's an age thing. Oh. I don't know. I've seen the...

Whoa. Yes. He's seeing it for the first time. My nephew can do that. And he did it through the mall and I go, why do you even walk anywhere? Damn. Why wouldn't you just be doing that? Just do that everywhere you go.

See, now I'm surprised you haven't seen this. Me too. I haven't seen this. There's so much more of this than the Spirit Tunnel. I don't know about that. Spirit tunnels are everywhere. I do not know about that. I'm busy listening to jazz, guys.

Is that a Thelonian shirt? You really got your tongue out for that cashew. came out like two inches. You lizarded that cash. Yeah. Cashew outside of that. We've got more cashew dust on the computer since that. What do you?

What do you? You're a cashew. Cashewish? I'm cash-a, but it's cashew. Kosher? Kosho. I was thinking of a Jewish joke. Kiddish cup, a cashew cup?

I don't have any dates coming up. You like smoking cash? Is that like, like, cat, what? I'm out of the weed game. What is, is it cash? What's the pun? I'm just going to sit here and let it die.

Come on. It's not your fault. It's mine. Oh, no. I try to do a Kush thing. That's on me. You have been out of the game a minute. I've been way out of the weed game.

Also, Cush is the name of a giant. From the Bible. Oh. Is that where Hindu Kush comes from? Probably not. No, that comes from some dude. Stay tuned.

I think there's a lot of Afghani Kush, though. Yeah. That does come from there. They still calling it Kush and they still have names for weed or is it just weed? Why are you asking me? Officer. I don't know. They still got names for any of this stuff or what he goes?

I think there's more, I think there's more names for weed than there ever has been before. But there's not like kind butter or anything anymore. No, there's not that. It's like beasters. Yeah, or like middies and stuff. I don't think there's like generic weed terms anymore. Are they still smoking tie sticks?

Sorry, I've been listening to a lot of jazz. Do you? I have a joke that doesn't work. Do you just sit there long enough that it can't be aired? Is that your play? It's never happened to. Now in life, I don't care about stand-up at all in a way that's sort of freeing. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take it right in the face. I'll say it and then I'll look at you not like it. I'll say, I thought that was funny. If I say something on the show that does not work, I'm going to sing a Disney song so you have to cut the whole thing. We're owned by the Walt Disney. Yeah, sorry. The Warner Brothers song.

I will sing. Well, if you see the police coming. I'll sing a police. song. You don't even have to finish it now? I got pretty close to get if you see the police coming to Warner Brother joke into the Golden Globes monologue. Listen, you've had a story career. Yeah. That might be the crown jewel. It would have been the crown jewel. I did get a Scotty B. Pippen joke into the Directors Guild Award monologue, which then. The Michael B. Jordan. It's an old tweet of mine. Like there should be a slightly

worse actor named Scotty B. Pippin. And I pitched it for the Globes. It almost made it into the globes. It didn't. And then I was writing for Kamel for the Directors Guild Awards. Pitch it to him. And that's definitely a Directors Guild quality joke. It's not quite. Yeah.

It's a Augustus quality joke. It, well, funny you should mention that. So it crushed at the, like, all the rehearsals and then the Directors Guild Award. And he did at the Directors Guild Award. It did really well. I got an email from an Oscars writer asking, hey, who wrote that? I want to see if we have a mole in our room because they had a Scotty Pippin' joke. No.

It's going to be in the Oscars. No. Yes. It's okay, why wouldn't it? That's a perfect, it's perfect. You know who the role is? Is that what you're saying right now? No, I wrote it.

They were asking like if somehow one of their writers sent it to... One of their writers saw your tweet from 10 years ago. That's probably what happened. Or it's like, I mean, that's a common enough idea. That's like a, yeah. Just like saying that the other actor and sinners was Michael A. Jordan. It was his brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd have heard that one either. It's pretty funny. You heard that, Michael A. George. Oh, I actually had a tweet about this like several years ago about like why isn't there Michael D Jordan, Michael F Jordan, Michael G. Even worse. Like like a multiplicity where it just gets each one is like a copy of a copy of a copy. That I love. I love that movie.

Have you seen multiplicity? I got a wallet. A multiple. That's lying from the movie. I was sharing it. I have not seen multiple. Remember there's like the baby one and the dumb one. It's when Michael B.

Keithen, right? That's that who's in multiplicity? Is Michael Keaton his real name? or see Michael Douglas I think you're right It's Michael Douglas Interesting Also used to be a stand-up

That's right Michael Keith Michael John Douglas Not bad Like a passable serviceable Standup He was at the store He was at the store

He was at the store Stug got a picture up In the main room They still have his picture up Oh no kidding Kind of a Tony Hinchcliff type Passed at the store Kill Michael

Kill Michael Well heck man This is pretty good You want to wrap it up You know any else wrap her up? Yeah I think we did pretty good. You have no dates?

You got anything to plug? No. No, I mean... Go to your website. Yeah, go to the website. There's still website. Sign up for the Patreon. It's great.

You know, 700 hosts. Get on there. We're just way ahead of the game right now. Eight years of content on there. Damn, dude. Go do it. David Borey's here. Cool guy, Jokesy.

Oh, Sean Cougarmel Jordan on Instagram. Thanks, brother. That's your screen name, dude. Thank you, brother. David Bore, Cool Guy Jokes 87. Oh, well, I think my... Don't Tell's probably out right now. There we go.

I did crush it. So watch that. It went pretty good. So that's probably out. I bet your comics Unleashed is out by now, too. I think they're going to do some trickery in the editing and it's not going to come out as funny as I was. You know what you look at?

Byron. Because we had that little riff off and I won, and I don't think he's going to let it, I don't think he's going to let it see the last day. Well, what if he does, though, even. He doesn't take an L on comics. You think he got a little. a billion dollars and lifts in his chair on the set of his own show

because he let people talk shit in the edit. Byron Allen's not taking an L on the fish tank. Yeah. Come on. We swim with sharks over here. That's what he said when I sat down. I was just kidding. That would be a cool thing.

He didn't talk to you at all. He said my hat is like a shark's fan. He just comes out and it starts. He's not like, hey, how's it? Even Conan comes up to you and is like, hey, man. Yeah. That's not B.A. Jim Jam came into the green room and ain't.

my charcutory. Well, you had a charcutory. Yeah. You waited, too. I did. Yeah. That was great. It's good. You guys, that was a good green room. Oh, yeah. Latee showed a good green room. That was a good green room. How was Lidenman's green room? Colbert.

Oh, Colbert. God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a thousand? I'm 41. Yeah. You could have done Liderman. I know you didn't. I didn't. No, nobody we know did Lederman. I did Colbert twice. But the second one was right after pandemic, so we weren't allowed to hang out.

So it was much quieter. The first time it was really, it was a good green room. It had a lot of, it had a refrigerator full of cookie dough balls. I like that. From, what's the, the dessert place where everything is two tents? Milk, bark. Yeah. Everything is, it was like, it was like half of one of these is delicious.

Three of these makes you want to die. And there was a whole fridge full of them. Yeah, but you're a great guy. Did you get down? I had two, and I regretted it. Precept. I think milk is sponsored by show business. Yeah.

My lawyer gets me milk every year for Christmas. Oh. Never asked for it. Yeah. I like them. You're not supposed to ask for a gift, but yeah. Well, I mean, but I never was like, hey, man, I really like candy or cookies. You never mentioned, like, I love a corn cookie. No.

Yeah. No. What's the one? It's a kitchen sink. Also, I kind of feel like their cookies taste like chemicals a little bit. Their cookies go over the top. Their cereal milk ice cream is really good. The crack pie is really good.

They had to change the name because it was offensive. That's right. Yeah. Now it's pie crack. Now it's pie. It was offensive to pie. I really just the problem with the pie. I don't know if you guys noticed.

I've just, just been flipping shit all day. I know. That's my one bit today. That's my Wednesday bit. Oh, Bory David over here. Yeah. Wait until you see what I do tomorrow.

I just take a ball out. That's my new bit. One ball is 50 grand. You're pumping a ball. Well. On Bory David. Go to your website. What is that?

What is it? Yeah. It's a phone? What kind of phone is that? Oh, is it? What kind of phone is that? Oh, okay. It was just, I don't think.

As he's never not seen an iPhone. I'm doing your show here. I'm sorry. My curiosity got the best of me. I thought you were so mad at the ball joke, but you just had never seen this phone. Because you're also spinning it. I'm sorry. Look to me like I was ruining your podcast by making noise.

Shut up! Shut up! You're getting that deep voice crack in there. Yeah, it's funny. Can you mix coffee with Coke? Yeah. Yeah. It sucks.

I think it could? No, like what you got. Oh, yeah. I've done that before. Do you think you do? Do you think your screaming shut up is hurting all the people who listen to your show to go to sleep? Oh. Do a lot of people do that?

I know people listen to it to have sex. Yeah. No. There's a couple. Yeah, they've told us. A hundred percent. Okay, wait. So there's different.

It stays on while you're doing it. You're saying they turn on to get into the mood? Yeah, Friday night. Really? Oh, that was the fall. I bet it stays on. They're not still together. They're not still together.

But several people have told us that. Yeah. In line, it meat and greet. Yeah. This is something that. People who come to meet and greets should know is you don't have to say everything you think. I want to know. I want to know if that's happening.

I'm in. Because it's like it's only 20 seconds we're going to talk to each other. It doesn't have. How weird could you get? You've been on the, on the, on the, uh, the internet long enough. Probably someone has gotten to a car crash laughing at your show. Yeah. People have said that before.

Yeah. Uh, which that's, do you feel bad about them? No. Listen, that's how just God made me. We, the first time we heard about it, we, we bought, uh, we, we invested. in Geico. Uh-oh, better get Geico. Well, I invested in the general, but...

Well, your friends were Shaq. Yeah, that's all that is. That's all that is. And then I got progressive, so we just covered all the bases. Well, Sean's very progressive. Yeah, he also has a crush on flow. Hero, Ally, one of the good ones like... Isn't she a stand-up? I think improv.

Stephanie Courtney is there. Yeah, yeah. Firsty, firsty. Very funny. Alex Falcone is here. I'm also here. Yeah. Is it just Alex Falcone across...

It is, yeah. Sometimes there's a dash or an... underscore, whatever, but if you just look for me, you'll find it. You'll find them. How many new people call you Calconi? Every MC that's ever opened for it. But it's almost better. I don't know.

It seems cooler. Calconi better. My grandpa insisted on it not being that. So it's like filtered down as one of those bad things to do. It's like, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, it was supposed to be Falcone? No, it's, it is, but my, some people go that way,

and my grandfather was insistent that we are a different breed than those people. They're Italian. Different part of the island, apparently. Sicily? Different part of Sicily, yeah. Oh. I think Falcone sounds cooler than Falconey personally. Falcone sounds cool shit.

It sounds cleaner. Get rid of the the the. Drop the the the, the Batman villain changes back and forth on different movies, how they pronounce it. That all I think affects people. And there's Willie Falcone. It's Joker, Jokare. That's what you're talking about? To fache.

Yes, exactly. Five. Pinguine. That's, I do like that. Yeah, it's like the penguin. Very Italian Batman sometimes. Yeah. I'd watch Italian Batman.

I would too. Wait, are we not all watching that? Is he not an Italian guy? I don't think I don't. Okay, I got some shit out. I got some text. I think they're just slicing garlic like the goodfell is in prison. Joker gets away with it tonight.

I got these meatballs cooked. This one comes out April 2016. 16th. Ooh, you know what that means. Tax day? Oh, I'm not finishing bits also. That is what it means. It doesn't mean taxing.

I'm flipping and I'm not finishing it. I'm flipping and I'm not finished your tax is done. You're all over the road, right? Yeah, that's right before I'm in London, I think. So for all of your British listeners, we're not offended by this Italian talk. That's in England? Yes. That's the one.

There's one in Ontario. And definitely they emailed back. when my email program thought they were in the correct London and were Matt. If I can give you a couple wrecks, get the Indian food and the breakfast. That is two big ones. I was going to eat breakfast most days.

I'm a big traveler. Yeah. And then Bell House, Brooklyn, and May. Yeah. Where are you doing shows in London? We have London listeners. Top secret. Oh, so you don't want to say.

It's the club? It's the club, but you're not telling us what you're going to. Exactly. Exactly. I don't know. And then I'm doing a setup at the club in Liverpool. Nice. Is it a pool.

That's where Tom Penny's from. Did you say Tom Petty and Penny? Okay. And Jeff Rowley. Yeah, yeah. There's a couple other. A couple other dudes. I think Tom Penny's all down the ladder there.

Liverpool. Liverpool. That'll be awesome. Hell yeah. I like the idea of promoting shows at this stage in the. podcast because they don't know me yet so they don't know if I'm going to be funny so they're like you can't buy tickets now

I'm gonna trust us yeah okay they trust us yeah no one's gonna pause it and buy tickets by the way they'll let you finish okay great let me finish and then and then London and Brooklyn come through my whole thing if there's tickets left about front loading the plugs was that like people are still listening now whereas at the end I always a good point

this was the thing I came up with 10 years ago where I was like people always do the plugs at the end you'll shut it off by it Look at your podcast stats and you're like this is we're down to 2% listenership at this point. Yeah. I do feel like they have the and we do look at the stats every day. Nobody's skipping this shit because I'm dropping stuff like Sean's in the Epstein files. All right.

He's not the only committee. You skip past that? There's more than you'd think in there. Yeah, that's right. Mostly they were just sharing his videos. They were like, man, this guy's funny. Yeah. And now you have to feel weird about it.

Sean was sharing Epstein. They're right if the guy thought I was funny. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm appealing. I disagree with most of the things he said, but his opinion on you was spot on. Yeah. Your stand-up was very good.

Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm very good at stand-up. We didn't see a stand-up. Sean was funny at dinner. Yeah, the video of what you were doing. I am pretty good at dinner. I'm better at lunch, if I'm being honest. Really?

Sure. I think I'm better at lunches, yeah. I'm the worst at breakfast, obviously. Before noon jokes are the hardest, so I can't move slowly. I'm never at breakfast with a lot of people I don't know. I guess lunch with people I don't know. I can really shine. Okay.

That's true. Breakfast is like very, it's, it is, it's intimate more. Well, you're reading the financial. I don't take breakfast with strangers either. Cracking the Herald. Yeah, you don't have like a big, like a comedian's brunch the night after a big show or something? No. No.

Well, do. I haven't done a big show in years. You did find out of Tour Breakfast. That seems like a. I said what I said. Joe and Array's show, Scratch, that. That show rips. I did it last night.

The place is called Scribble. Scribble. Did you say Scratch pad? I did. What's that? I don't know what that is. Is that the show's name, though? Scratch pad's the name of the show.

Scribble is a spot. Oh, Scribble at the scratch pad at the scribble. It feels like old melting. It feels like a little scene. It's great. Yeah, I had a fun time doing it. If you're in L.A., I'm not even on that show. Go see it.

Just go. It's Tuesday. Chees die. Yeah. Yeah, if we're just promoting stuff, I saw Flynn at the comedy store last week. Really funny. Oh, nice. Yeah, it was really funny.

Cadbury, chocolate. I'm going to a fun show tonight. It's just the most obvious recommendations. Oh, you're doing more British stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chocolate. Try the chocolate. Blood sausage.

Burberry. Chonky introduced you to Prince Andrew. I'm gonna get to check. I do like that you do your roste wig for your lunch with him. At the dinner, too. He thinks I'm a different guy. He loves that accent. The real though the fish and chips did surprise me how good they were in London.

I will say that. Originally a Jewish invention. Chips? Fish and chips. Well, the fried fish. You guys made up fried fish? That's right. A lot of the best things.

Yeah. Fried fish, circumcision. Let's keep it moving. Those are my top two. Were you guys the first ones to put fried fish in a sandwich? I don't know about that. Because that changed the game for me. That did change the game.

I can't. I can't say for certain that that was up. What kind of fish were you cooking? Black and white. If that counts, it is the black and white. Yeah. That's Jewish American. for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Homantosh is good. I like a homantation. We're in homantoshan season right now as we're recording. Yeah. Not when it drops. We'll be straight out. We'll be out of flip. We'll be into flowerless cookie season by the time this drops. Like a macaroon? Yes, like a macaroni. I don't like a macaroon. Macaron has no flour. Yeah. It's just coconut. Why do you know so much about Jewish cookies? Does the fact that the Jewish not bother you?

Ask him about the tarts. Does it not not bother me? Wait, a macaroon is a Jewish cookie? Not macarons. Macaroons, the coconut one. Not the French one. I didn't know there was a difference. It kind of comes in the tin. What are the little colorful ones that I always get?

Macron. That's French. And that is like almond flour, I think. Yeah. You can also eat Passover. I always thought you were just being pretentious when you said it different. I thought they were the same cookie. I'm like, why is he saying it like that?

I was being. I was both. All right? Like we're in Pittsburgh or whatever. He's like, it's got a macon. And I'm like, it's a macarone. I don't know why you're saying. saying it like that. Like somebody who says colhont.

There's, but the macaroon is like a little little dome of coconut. Didn't know that. Also delicious. Both, both good. That's the cool thing. They don't have to compete. Yeah. We can live in a world that has both macarons and macaroons. Are there any Irish cookies? I feel like coconut's making a comeback. I don't want to acknowledge that shit you just said. The Irish make a cookie. I don't know. I don't know what the Irish

eats for sweets. That's pretty good. What kind of sweets do the Irish eat? I don't know. Like, what do you guys eat when you just... Pour more sugar in the Jameson? I don't know what you do. It's weird that it locks your computer. Yeah. Safari won't open page. Well, he denied all Irish cookies. That's just, that's good browsing. I'm on an American. Someone's butthole. My name is Ian Carp. What dates do you have? Oh, London.

London and Brooklyn. Right, fantastic. We love the Bell House, man. Yeah. Oh, very excited about that. We had some sweaty meat in the back there. What? Yep. And we also had some lunch. meat. You know what I'm talking about? We, we, when we did the first AFE tour, we had a charcutter, not a charcutter, uh, cold cuts at every show, because we were driving from show to show. Sure, sure. And you're like, I want to get there and I want them sweaty ham. Well, it was wet. Most of the places put it in the fridge. We got to the bell house. We got back there and there was a sweaty tray of meat and cheese. And we ate it anyway. Katie Nolan roundly criticized us.

Sure. Straight to our face. Correctly. Wow, we were still eating. First time I ever met her. I wasn't going to do any, meat plates there, but it's good to know that I What's right? What's on your rider? I just like a little soda water backstage. That's it. I'll take a mixed nut if they have it. Maybe some chips. No fruit even. Sometimes a chip. Something in Montchango? I'm not going to. I'm a mixed nut

and soda water guy myself now. That's my writer. I'm not going to, I'm not, the fruit I feel bad for because it goes bad and I'm not going to eat it. Even a veggie tray? Yeah. You wouldn't ask for a veggie tray? I don't need it. I'm going to, I'm going to show up full. One golden delicious apple. I mean, I'm still mostly playing clubs. They get the food. The openers. Yeah, yeah. They're going to They're going to eat the fries. The bellhouse.

Who's going to open for you the bellhouse? Shane? Mahana del Shacki. Oh. He doesn't want a veggie tray? Maybe he does. I'll ask him for a veggie tray. I will ask him to refrigerate it.

And Shane? Maddie Kelly. I don't know if you heard. Amazing. And a magician. Well, I'm out. Really no. Yeah.

I got a good friend. Rachel Waxe. She's an incredible magician. And she is going to do a set on that show. How's magic right now as a scene? Really good. Really good. I'm in.

There's a really good place in New York called the magician's table. Yeah. It's like very, like fancy and exclusive. And she's going to leave there to come do my bell house show for 10 minutes. Well, that's very nice. Which is pretty cool. How's LA magic? We got the castle, which is like doing a club weekend.

Right, right, right, right. And it's got good stuff every day. Is it, would you say magic's over clowns in L.A.? No, no. Clown is everywhere right now. Number one. This is Clown town. What are we going to do, guys?

That's what I wanted to talk to. Ride it out. Right it out. Clowns are like locust. They come, they descend, they devastate, they leave, and then we will rebuild. They destroy your crops. Yeah. Yeah.

And they do it like with their whole body and soul. That's the thing that makes it good. My mom was a birthday clown back in the day. These are birthday clowns. These are like art clowns. This is like improv if it hurt more. Yeah. Like you go on stage and just mind nothing and then they yell at you.

This is entertaining. It's supposed to. No, nobody watches it. No, it's a class. It's like improv. People go. Some people go. The Elysium, they're like always part of that.

That's what I was in a sense. I heard the allegiance a clown venue now. It is, but most of that is like if you go to UCB, they're all improv students. It's not with genuine fans. It's a clown immunity.

It's a clown immunity. Because some of those improv, man, I had an improv crowd, and I was bombing at UCB. I was like, who are you? Who are you people in the audience?

And this girl goes, we're going to be stars. I was like, oh, I guess I'll go fucking kill myself. Wow. Yeah. And then they were like, bathroom or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the game? What's the game? I don't know. He's sitting on two tires. The game. Oh, that's the game. Oh, I remember the game.

The rapper of the game. Yeah. I might have had too much coffee. The documentary. No, not yet. And you're not allowed to hate him. That was his first album. You can hate the player, but you can't hate him.

You know, no. You can hate it or love it. Is it Jimmy Newsetter had, Don't hate the player by Robert Allman? Yeah, I hate the game with Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas. Did you guys ever read the game? Comedian Michael Douglas?

Do you guys ever read the game? I did. I had to read the game for a podcast. I read it in pandemic. It's funny, book. Because he does at the end, he's like, this is bullshit. Oh, Neil Frauss? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He kind of does, but he's also really into it. Yeah. He's like, oh, I'm just reporting on this. And then it's like, I'm going to go be mean to women at nightclubs. Yeah, he was like, I locked myself in my room and learned it. I mean, if you could, if you convince yourself the blowjob magic was real, I guess you'd get into it. Wait, what? Blowjob magic's not real.

No. If you're like. seen in New York, but it's not as big here. If I talk a certain way, I'll get a blowjob, you know what I mean? That's the game, blowjob magic. It's a lot of like, if you're mean to her and you wear a dumb hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is just like the pickup artist, but written down.

It was a book, it was a journalist investigating the pickup artist community, but he was just a guy who did it. Yeah, basically. And was into it and wanted an excuse to be like, no, I did it because of this. But he got in with mystery and everything. Yeah, he hung on mystery. I just like that they had their own lingo. It was fun. That's why I called it set. You can approach the set.

He was like talking like us. I've been nagging all. I've been doing the game on you guys. You have been nagging Sean all night. Has it been working? I noticed that. Yeah. He didn't blow you.

You took the nicest guy. Shut up! Before you lifted the curtain, I was going to blow you in like five minutes. I know. I know that. You think I don't know that? That's a higher Patreon tier. Isaac was going to have to cut a lot.

Super life changing is a 150 grand amount. I've changed for him. I'll tell you that. I know what I'm doing. I have nothing to promote. Read my book, T-shirt swim club, listen to my podcast. All Fantasy, Everything. It's okay.

It's all right. Where would they find that? I rather enjoy it. Anywhere podcasts are sold. The books, anywhere books are sold. I go online. Unless you're in Portland, you can go to Powell's. They usually have it.

They just play the podcast in the green room. They blast. They blast AFEa of Powell's. Yeah. Pretty much all day. Man, I haven't been to Powell's in a long time. Good bookstore. Probably like the last 10.

Times I was in Portland. You didn't go? I didn't go. We went. That's where I bought the ICB books. That was the last time I was there was in Powell's when you picked me up from a trist. When I got the ICB. And you and you got the ICP books.

A lover's coil? And Laura dunked on you. Yeah, she sure did. Because he was like, Laura, I got a book today. And she's like, what's it called? Burrito skateboard? She was nagging you and that's why you were. And now they're married.

Now they're married. Yeah, truly nothing to promote. like we'll hopefully we'll have tour today. How was Harvard? Sick. Do you already talk about this? No. You never remember if I talked about it on the pod. Oh yeah. So months ago now I performed to Harvard. It ruled. Yeah. It was great.

Good. Packed out. The student comedians were very funny. I got to tour the Lampoon. Nice. That's so awesome. That was awesome. Did you eat it in any squares? Huh? Did you eat any squares? Did it eat at any squares? Yeah, every time I'm in Boston, I feel like I'm eating in a square. Yeah, it was pretty cold out. So I wasn't. It was a square. It was I was in Harvard Square, but I was in a restaurant.

So there's no outdoor dining. Okay. But it was 37 and sunny, so I walked like everywhere. It is beautiful over there. It's gorgeous. It really is nice. It's not humid, you know? Did you feel like any intellectual nervousness?

Were you like, these kids are going to try to like alpha me? They're going to try to like, how do you like them apples me? It was more. That wasn't very intellectual. You did it for the business school. I guess Will was very much. He did it for Harvard business. He did it before that.

I wasn't doing a stand-up. I was doing a business school. representation for the candidate school of government. Oh, it was a gen pop. No, it was for gen pop. It was for, it was more generational I was worried about than, uh, that's how I felt the last time I played a college. Yeah.

And I felt it. Because they're like 20, you know what I mean? Like at the oldest. Did you feel it? No. Like, I guess my set right now is pretty, like, I ran a lot of my last special. Yeah. Okay.

Just because I was like, I want to do a good job. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, at a corporate thing. Yeah, to be trying new, you do the proven stuff. Yeah. But I roughed in. I wrote like 10. minutes about Harvard and stuff like that

and then like did some of the special stuff and then roughed in some new stuff in the middle. It all went really well. They were great. Yeah. And this thing was so funny. Did they, what did they call you? Like do you ever find that when you Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever find that when you do a college gig,

they like address you so. Because they're called you unk. They called me unc. You're goaded, unc. I asked them to call me Guillermo the whole time. They called me Ian. Not like, like, some of them call you like Mr. Bori or Mr. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's all kids who are like, oh, you want to work in show business.

Yes, they do. Yeah. And at Harvard, they're probably going to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, you're going to be my agent. Yeah. It was interesting. It was like, you know, because they're still Harvard kids.

So I went, like, after the show, me and the comedians who opened, we went to the ice cream place on campus. Nice. Which was very cute. Yeah. It's like their tradition, even though it was like at that point, probably 20. 28 degrees out. We still went and had ice cream. Nice. But they, I mean, they were like young and impressionable, so they're asking all these

questions too. But they're Harvard kids. So they had like very intelligent like, you know, like... Different than those USDA kids that I came up with. Or the Portland. Yeah, yeah. Where it was like a lot of like, when you watch another comedian, what do you look for in another comedian's performance

to help like inform your own? Like package size? I hadn't thought about it, but dick size for sure. Yeah. They're best jokes so I can take those. Vertical leap. Why would I watch another comedian? That's ridiculous. That's what I told him. I'm not watching myself.

I'm on my phone. I'm in the back plane with a yo-yo. Yeah. Like Will Wayne, I listen to me all day? No. I listen to Lil Wayne all day. I guess like the answer was like I watch for tricks or like methodologies that people use to approach ideas. Is that how you watch comedy?

Kind of a new. I mean, I watched. That's how you pretends to watch comedy. We're talking to Harvard kids. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes it interesting to watch comedy. watch it like that. You think methodology for the first time in 20 years? Is that a word? Now is that a word?

I did say it. No. But like I do, I watch to like to laugh or but I do watch definitely to try and like learn a little bit where like if I watch like a special or something. I'm like oh it's interesting the way they approach that idea. Oh yeah

for sure. Could I apply some of that like approach? Like what is something I could apply that to or like just this one of like that's what he did when he watched Tracy Morgan's Bonafi. Which explains my fourth coming special. Bonify. Ian Carmel's red bone. You'll make it a red bone special.

I think it's good. I think it's good. I just got it. People in L.A. haven't been laughing at it. But I think once I get it on the road. Yeah, no, no, no. It's been a long time since anybody opened with the bitches be shopping jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to come back. The 90s are back. But I find that. I try to watch, I watch to try to learn something a little bit, you know, where I'm like, oh, I didn't think to think about something like that. Oh, yeah, that's fun. Not like stealing a cadence and then just putting new words in it. No, I feel like that's what happens more often than anything.

A lot of people do, yeah. It's funny when you see someone who speaks the language of it, but doesn't have particularly any interesting ideas. Yeah. But they really speak the language of like whatever modern day comedy is. Yeah. It's like sometimes you meet people who talk like that in entertainment or in stand-up too. For sure.

It's like, oh, you talk exactly like a comic is supposed to talk. Yeah. But you're not putting it. You have no new thought. You've said nothing interesting to me at all or funny, but you have the pace. This is a good description of my act. Yeah. I was actually thinking about Zach Ephron and comedy movies.

Because that's how I always feel. Yeah. You really understand. you're doing comedy movies like an actor for sure. Yeah. But it's not very funny. That's a trip when you see somebody who they play somebody funny in a movie and then you watch an interview and they're just the like painfully unfunny.

Yeah. Like I guess you're just a really good actor. It's just crazy. You're like you're not funny at all? Like nothing's funny that you say. But some people are hilarious and just never turn it on. Christopher Guest noted he says he's never funny. He doesn't like being funny outside of it.

Yeah. And then when it's on. And then when it's on, it's on, It's fucking on. It's clown town, baby. Yeah. We are here today. I just rewatched waiting for Guffman.

I watched the whole, I watched all of them. Did you watch after RIP? RIP. Yeah. Did you watch Spinal? Have you watched the new Spinal Tap yet? No, I haven't. I haven't either.

I would like you guys tall to watch it. All right. Yeah, I can handle that. This weekend. I thought it was going to suck and then I was really happy. Oh, that's awesome. People like it.

We're glad that you had a fantasy draft giant stuff. Now, the way to determine the order of that draft is a rollicking game of rock paper scissors. just play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. All right? Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ooh, cats. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, no. Oh, cats again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Alex, Alex wins. A falcon victory.

Alex. Amazing. As the winner, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I need you to know it is a serpentine draft. Yes. I enjoy counterclockwise, always.

Counterclockwise. Hmm. Mm. Clockwise. Just in case somebody doesn't understand what a serpentine draft is. Well, then it's clockwise counterfeit. I got a good one, but I don't need to burn it. I got a good one.

You don't like, are you going to explain it? Yeah, I can explain it. We have a tradition on the podcast where every time he explains what a serpentine draft is. Yeah, yeah. It's like a turtle shell caught in between two pipes and Mario. It's not bad. Yeah. Yeah.

I was proud of it. I was really happy with that one. It's good. I think the word serpentine is it harder than that. I think you should say it's a turpentine. That's a turtle-tine draft. Yes. It's a turtine draft.

Basically, if you pick fourth in the first, you pick first in the second. And with that mind, what will the order, that's right, of today's draft be? Cat-clockwise to start, which means David, Sean, and then you. And then you'll pick twice. And then where are you going?

So you're first. Oh, Alex. Alex. No, no. You could get yourself wherever you want. I would like to be second. Then I would like you to start. Whoa.

Whoa! From the middle. Hot corner. Ian, Alex, David, Sean. I don't know if I think I've got. on first maybe twice. I never really? Well, the way you described it, it sounded like I had to go first because I won

paperwork. No, no, no, no. You just get to pick the order of the draft. The king goes where the king wants to. Got it. Well, I have the first pick indie stuff that's giant. All fantasy, everything draft. We're going to get to that pick right after we take this short state mandated break.

What is happening? All Family. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Now, I don't, I don't love bringing it up, but financial stress. It affects everything. It's a very, it's an interesting time right now. And finances, no matter who you are, no matter where you're at, no matter what your station is, it takes an extremely serious toll on mental health, relationships. It's like the one thing that I, that I just can't not argue about is QuickBooks. And it's just, it does put a strain on things.

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Please support our show and tell them that our show sent you. holl at your boy, go check out Ridge. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. the only podcast that has ever existed. We're here in front of the becackeeked, Isaac Lee. Becackeed? You're becackeed.

What is that? It means you had a jacket. Means you had diarrhea earlier. That does sound like bucaccaque. I now realize it. I now realize that? It sounds like yeah. Poopish is early.

It's suede. It's swayed. A besuaded, Isaac A Lee. I like persuaded much better. It is way better. Yeah, you could persuade me and do a lot of things with that jacket. Is khaki a color or a fabric? That's a good, I don't know.

Cackie is a color. That's what I thought. It was like Jewish. It's a culture. It's also a religion. It's also a race. Archinos, which is the fabric. I just think cackies were a kind of pant.

I didn't know they were a color until 10 years ago. Can that be a cacky jacket even though it's swayed? Cackey's my question. I would say it is a cacky color's way. But cacky suede. Yeah. I want to look this up. Truly did not make me to make up.

I just said it confidently. He did say it confidently. Trust him. You just really boiled down all of podcasts. That's really the really. this whole industry. I think you're particularly crushing it. Well,

happens, somebody's going to write an email that's like technically khaki is also a fabric, but it'll be April and I will not give a shit. Yeah. So why? We won't even need it. I'm drafting, Andre.

Yeah. There's nothing more giant than Andre the giant. Andre the, excellent start. Andre the. The beer can in his hand is so really gets the giant point across. Tiny.

He's so big, he makes other people look tiny, which I think is the true hallmark of a truly giant man. And he was big. a way where it felt sad because the world wasn't big enough for him. I feel like Shaq moves through this world

well, right? Yeah. But then you hear about Andre on a plane and you're like, fuck. Well, Shaq was making so much money. He could be like, make this car big enough for me. Make this big enough for me. How tall was Andre? My internet is dead, but I think he was like 6-8, 6-10. So he wasn't even his tall. That's not even that tall.

It's that tall. Yes, it is. He was wide, though, too. He was wider than most tall. Isaac, can you look up under the giant height? He was listed at 7-4, but that was not his real height. Yeah. How tall was he actually? Is it that?

Classic McMannrix. 6-11 maybe? Like, Hulk Hogan they call it like... Certainly, like the whole world, my... A 6-8 friend of mine, Big Tall and Sly for Ryan, you always say, after 6-2, the world gets very alienating. Just because every... Like, pants, chairs, doorways, like, just nothing is built for you. Yeah.

And you just feel like a weirdo all the time. Well, Sean and I are 6-3-ish. 6-2 feels like the perfect tall guy high. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying that from underneath. 6.11 to 7 is about what it says that he was. Okay, so he's pretty fucking big. 6-2 is the perfect height because that's the height that everyone pretends to be.

So you know it must be the right height. There are so many 6-2 guys that are shorter than me, and I'm 6-foot even. Yeah. I mean, the height, it's like, it's become a real problem lately. The lying about it? We put too much stock in it. I really don't think girls care as much as guys think girls care. I think they care on the internet, but everybody's lying over there.

Who gives a talk? You know what I'm saying? Everyone never need a guy. What are you fucking do? What are you doing? The internet. Yeah. Full of shit.

It's full of shit. It's full of shit. It's full of shit. It's full shit. Everybody's on here lying. Yeah, that's so true. It's also, like, height means different things like person. Like, there can be two different six foot two people.

And one of them will feel taller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he feels smaller. He does, interestingly. He's around Andre the Giants all that. Yeah.

Seven foot's a tough life. But he also didn't go to basketball. He went into acting. He went into acting and wrestling He was a group in France Like on a farm That's a French face in my opinion That is a one of the Frenchest faces

That's like a Gerard Depard d'Epe Arduet My man looks like a macarone My man looks like a winemaker from way bad French hair too That's like the hair my dad has And he's a French extraction Yeah Is that what he said

Is that on his business car? He extracted him and put him somewhere better of French extraction he was That sounds sinister. His dad was from Paris and his mom was from Belgium Yeah My father That's sexy

Yeah His mom is still from Belgium 91 About to be He's still kicking it Sat next year at the wedding dinner That's right Yeah yeah yeah

But yeah but yeah he was French as fuck Yeah I love that he wore the singlet with the one strap Oh yeah yeah Like an old timey brute Like an old timey brute Yeah Was the classic

classic giant look. Classic giant look. He did look like a classic giant. I don't want to spoil this, but I was going to go Jolly Green next. and he also wears the one shoulder singlet. Yeah, that's right. Does he? Yeah.

Made out of leaves. Yeah. Is his hair green beans? We can get to that on yours. We'll come up. But no. There was a sweetness in Andre the Giant, too. They really came through in Princess Bride.

You want a gentle giant. You do it. He's a gentle giant, but he's got it if he needs it. Yeah. But in Princess Bride, like, so sweet. Did his knees hurt every day of his life? Yes. Yeah, he was in immense pain.

Plains killed him, yeah. Yeah, that's sad. He drank a lot to deal with it. Yeah. He had to fly back and forth to Japan all the time to go wrestle over there. I'd like to keep making money. But yeah. He found him like a desk job.

Big desk. Where are you going to get that desk? Big desk. They didn't make desks. You're in the Byron store. He's going to cut. You're running afoul of a billionaire here, David Morgan. He's going to show up.

If he bends down to fight me. Ben's up. Yeah. That's foolish on his part. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have nothing to lose, Byron. I live in a townhouse.

Andre the Giant is my first pick, Alex. Well, I think I said. I just overcommitted. I wasn't actually planning on doing Jolly Green, but he does have a singlet and I wanted to say it. So I guess I can do it. I guess we'll stick with him. You don't have to.

You don't have to? I mean, you got five picks. Have five picks? Oh, shit. All right. We'll definitely come back to that. I mean, unless somebody takes it, then you can't take it. I'm putting Jolly Green out there for later.

Putting a pin in it. But I'm going to start with... I want to do blue whales. Yeah, that's a great one. Not only the greatest creature alive today, the greatest creature ever alive. Ever. It's crazy.

As far as we know, in the whole galaxy. Yeah. Certainly here. That we live at the same time as the biggest creature. Isn't that crazy? Because you think of dinosaurs are like, man, they should have been big. Blue whale doesn't give a shit about dinosaurs.

They are hearts of the size of Volkswagen. They are. You could swim around in it. In their veins. Yeah, yeah. Part of a giant. Part of a giant. So big.

Yeah. And they eat tiny krill. Yeah. Their whole diet is this like it like, and I did the math on it. It would be like if everything you ate was the thickness of a credit card on all dimensions. So that, that's the size difference from them to krill. Now when you said you did the math on that, what did you write down? So I was like size of a blue whale.

I looked up the size of krill and it's 24,000 times bigger the whale. And then I was like, what would be our relative size? And it would be like everything is that tiny, tiny width of a crill. credit card, which is about a 300th of an inch. Wow. Wow. I told you. I accidentally became an educational content creator.

So I just realized to Google some numbers very, very high now. I just realized I just tried to put the last time I did math in my personal life and I don't got it. Man. Like outside of basic addition. Tips. Tips. Yeah.

Yeah. Tips. But I just move it over. It's not. Yeah. I mean, that is math. I'm not. I'm not crunching number.

Well, this is a, this is a tangent, but I did do, I did algebra the other day for the first time since, like, high school. And it was a proud of this moment. You solved for X? Yeah, I was trying to figure. So we get these door deals for clubs that are crazy. Oh, right. It's like, you get this percentage after this amount of money with this much going to credit card fee. And I was like, what is my break even number?

Yeah. And to get to the break even number, I didn't know how to do it. So I, like, wrote it out. I was like, all right, well, X is the break even number. And I, like, wrote out in algebra and then solved it the other way and then typed that into a spreadsheet. and now I can put in the numbers and it tells me where my break is number.

How was the deal? I was gonna say that's where I still are right. I wish you didn't knew algebra at that point. It's always a higher, the breaking number is higher than I'd like. Oh, but yeah, I was like,

I think I just did genuine algebra in my life and it helped and it was right and it was like the proudest I've been of myself that's pretty great. I mean, that's pretty sick. Yeah, that would carry me through.

It felt good. An algebra teacher would probably be shocked. if you told them that. They'd be like, I honestly didn't think anything. Well, I think they are the ones who know. They're like, yeah. I mean, they know it doesn't come up that often.

Yeah. And they have to make up weird stories. Like, well, get into comedy and do well enough to get a door deal, but not well enough for it to be big. And then you'll need this number. Well enough to wonder if all the tickets are going to sell. Yeah. Because, you know, some guys get door deals in there like, yeah.

Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Some guys just tour and they're like, yeah, we're going to make money on this tour. They get a door deal. They're like, so what's a note for sure. Yeah, yeah. There's no. I mean, when we tour this, I feel that way.

Yeah. People are going to come. When I'm by myself. Yeah. Now we're making up equations. Yeah. I don't, I got to subtract pizza. Did you solve for pizza?

I didn't solve for pizza. I should have to add. Especially in New York. Yeah. It's a good price there. Yeah. It's not too bad. I do spend more money on pizza in the Midwest for sure.

Have you ever seen a blue whale? I have not seen a blue whale. It's like Laura's dream is to see a blue whale, but they're, They're hard to. They're super hard. We've been on whale chartered boats and stuff where you see humpbacks and gray whales, but never seen a blue whale. They do, they do, they doodle by L.A. You can, there's a part where you can go see them.

And we went and looked and there were like, there's old people who just sit there with binoculars all day, making little tick marks, but we did not see it. We saw a little spurt that could have been, but we couldn't. You know what kind of whale was? But you know what a whale is still cool. Yeah. I was going to say a whale. I saw some whales in Hawaii, and it was one of the better experiences I've ever had. Yeah.

It was like really Changes your view. You can hear them when you're underwater sometimes scuba diving. Yeah? Yeah. The blue whale is the loudest

creature on earth also. The blue whale or Gilbert Godfrey May he rest in view. Yeah. Damn, dark. But yeah,

they, they, they, they, uh, hundreds of kilometers away. They can, they'll sing their little lonely horny whale songs.

Yeah. You can hear it really far away. Lonely horny whales. And they know, they know, there's a part in the ocean uh, called the,

the sound channel, where if you go deep enough, where you go to get it, it goes sound, the sound goes further. What? And they know, and this is, yeah, this is how we found, like, we figured out because whales do it, that you can go to a certain depth

and the sounds will travel 10 times as far because of the right mix of temperature and pressure. And so they can sing and be heard across the world from that area. That's amazing. That's like they're playing a big gig. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

It's sort of like broadcast. Like, I'm six too. It's whale. It's whale Facebook. It is. Yeah, yeah. They go down to the sound channel. A lot of bad,

uh, political. opinion. A lot of weird AI. They're going down there, singing a lot of songs. They're just scamming. There's someone down there every time. Whale on the set of the new Avengers movie, putting his arm around different. Would you say that maybe they're on Finstagram down there?

Say maybe they're on Finstagram? Isaac, keep it in. I like the joke. I appreciate it. I could use a little more laughter from you over there, Isaac. The couches were giving me nothing. It was so good. We were stunned.

It was an excellent joke. Don't focus on how long it took me. You knew you were going to do that. A little longer than some of your best jokes. I had a vasectomy. Also, it was very funny. You know what else is big? My brother.

What's up? What's up? What else is big? As an elephant. Yeah. A blue whale's tongue, the size of an elephant. That's right. The weight of an elephant.

God. The tongue is the weight of an elephant. Does it freak, does picturing being in the water with a blue whale give you, like, like, like, crilkees? Yeah. So, you look at the size, there'll be an image, and they'll show you what a person's size is relative to it. And you'll be like, that's crazy.

Yeah. It wouldn't give a shit that I was there. It would treat me the way I treat like an ant or something. A bug walking around around, but it does not even register. I don't even think about you. Yeah. Are they up on, are they up on the surface a lot? They're, we already covered in the air.

They breathe the air. I didn't know that. What do you think? They think they breathe water? Your wife's a zoologist. She never told you that? Yes, seriously. Did you think they had gills?

Not really, I guess. They got the blow hole. This is the whole thing. They got two holes, actually. They got a double blow. Now, Alex, I don't, I don't love the tone. All right? Wait, oh, that was excitement, sorry.

Way old surface there like us. Yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah, I love the tone there. Yeah, okay, right. If you could talk to me more like that, give me it like a nice scoop of ice cream. I did mean it that way. My tone's bad. I know, it isn't.

My tone is bad. So, yeah, how long, I wonder how long they can hold that breath. I didn't write this down, but it's a long time. Yeah, it's. Firm whales can hold it for like two hours, right? Yeah, yeah. And so they can dive real deep, but they eat krill, which is a little tiny crustaceans. And they're bailing whales, which is they do the thing where they just open their mouth and swim forward.

Yeah, and their whole mouthfuls out, and then they push it back out and filter out, which is such a funny... Yeah, yeah, they like brushers. Yeah. Which is such a funny way to eat where you just, like, if you just like went to a buffet and opened your mouth and walked forward... I would love to. And whatever you got, you got. Oh, brother, you've never seen me at Golden Corral. That's exactly what happens.

That's a cool way to go. I just go stand in the carving stage. Yeah, just get what it is and then get rid of the water. What do you think sweet tomatoes went into business? Oh, man, I just talked about that the other day. Oh, man. I got sour grapes about sweet. tomatoes. I like to think Gilbert Godfried is having sweet tomatoes right now. Sorry what? No, it's

okay. I wanted to get that out before I forgot it. That went out of business like the first three hours. No, I just thought it would be fun to say I got sour grapes. Oh, sorry grape sweet tomato because they're opposite some fruit. I get it. Comedy. It's kind of like you're reversing words, but it was reversing concepts. It's Wednesday. Reverso-Wendez-O-Wendthus. David Bourne's time to pick. Oh, man. Whenever this this happens, God, it makes me so happy. Scoop of ice cream. Oh. Oh. Oh. A giant scoop of ice cream? Whenever you ever go to get ice cream with like your loved one or a child or whatever and you just get like, you're like, I don't want to go too crazy.

And they give you like a bigger scoop than you expected. So you're drafting things that you like when they're giant but aren't inherently giant. Yeah. It's all prospective because giant version of that thing. Yeah. Is that not what you guys are going to do? I got a few. Well, there aren't smaller Andres.

There are smaller aren't. I know a couple. Okay. I know a couple. I bought weed from a couple. baller Andres. So do I get all Andres? Yeah. I mean, I wasn't, you take a giant. Was anybody else going to pick an Andre? No. My friend Andre is, he, he was pretty tall. Yeah. You knew Andre. That's weird. Paradise.

Parker. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's dead. We knew an Andre too. Sorry to tell you that now. I had to find that out here. Yeah, yeah. That's terrible. Great guy. Common and Gilbert Godfried. Yep. What? Uh, I like the idea of just this thing, but only when it's giant. All right. Giant's great. I love. I love. It is a particular delight when you get a giant scoop of ice cream. It's such a good feeling. It's always like because you're like I didn't go because too much ice cream sucks for me because I don't have that much of a sweet tooth. But like if I get the one scoop when they're like really digging in there. Or it's like on a cone, me and a lot I went and got cones.

It's all top heavy. It looks like someone wearing like athletic wear that it doesn't fit. Yeah. Yes. And they're popping out the top of it. Yeah. It's like a dude at his daughter. graduation in an under Armour polo?

You know what I'm saying? It fits. It's on me. Stop flying off. This is like a teenager working back there who's like, I don't get paid based on the ice cream about this is between you and the company. I would love to give you more. Sometimes it feels like they did it because they like the flavor you got. You're like, oh yeah, here, take some more salt.

You see them too. Their knuckles are getting dirty. Like they got the glove on and their knuckles are in the ice cream. You're like, hell yeah. Last day. Giant scoop ice cream. Always a good time. finishing off the tub.

Yeah, they'll scrape it all around and just kaboom goes the dynamite. It's all around the side. It's good. I got some scream at that after that Harvard show I was telling you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what flavor did you get? Mud pie.

Did you say you got some scream? Did you catch that? Yeah. I think it's better if we let it go, but yeah, you can talk about it. And then got Oreo brownie bites on top of it. Oh, yeah. Place called Barryline.

If anyone's out there in Cambridge, do you like a lot of stuff on it? I don't. I don't. Yeah. Unless it's frozen yogurt. Okay. I'll put some shit on Pinkberry.

Yeah, you got to. I almost never eat ice cream in general anymore. I'll talk. Here, I'll take this one. That's the point of Pinkberry. Yeah, is the Coutrement. Yeah. And Pinkberry and all the Pink Perry, Pinkberry like.

It's all Pink Barry. They're all pink berries. It's like how in Atlanta they call it all Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I almost never get ice cream or sweets anymore. So when I did go, I was like, give me the whole fucking McGillah. We're doing it. We're doing it.

I used to go pretty hard when I was a kid. I did do a like a challenge where I did a 15 scoop Sunday and under an hour and got my name on the wall. Wow. 15. And actually the worst part was not that it was 15 ice creams and then 15 topping. Ferrells? Are you from Portland? No, no, no.

This is in Reno, Nevada. Oh, that's right. That's right. Different flavors? 15 different flavors? It has been different flavors. So that was the hardest part. So I failed once and then I got smart and I figured out the second time.

But the thing was, yeah, you have. because it'll melt before you can finish it. So you need flavors that taste good as a soup. Yeah, you don't have bubble gum in there. Yeah, it's going to ruin it. You need to go like chocolate, chocolate chip, vanilla, like just to keep it close so that it when it melds, it tastes good.

And then the harder part is you have to have 15 toppings, which are also different, which is crazy. So yeah, you have to make it a good soup. Gummy bears and stuff? I mean, were they all over the place? All of that, yeah, yeah. I actually think the worst part was the fruit is you get too much of the fruit. They taste real weird together.

So you have to spread it out. And then also it's covered. in whipped cream and that's a trick. You got to dig a little hole, eat through it. The whipped cream will disappear. Whip cream just goes into the universe. But if you eat it, it's it like when you burn fat. It deflates. Yeah, yeah. So you got to avoid it go through, dig through the soup and then let the whipped cream take care of itself. Did you ever consider doing, that's amazing. Thank you. How old were you when you did it? Uh, like 16. Nice. Yeah. Okay. I was like, I was like at eight. Yeah. The end, just the mind. Yeah.

There was an I hop in Beaverton where I briefly held the pancake record, which was immediately shattered by my friend Matt Gerhardt. Not broken. Shattered. He just put you to bed. I had like 18 and then he came in and had like 30. Whoa.

I bet. Never changed. Never broken again. How many stacks was that split into? I don't know. Three at a time, four at a time. It's too much. It's a lot of pancakes.

That guy can fucking. Did you get it for free if you got on the record or something? Or you just did it for, was that a normal time? It was just between you guys. They asked you to leave. No, they have. They had a board. The IHop wasn't sanctioning it. They're like, these guys are nuts. But it was not an IHop wide thing. It's not like IHops were doing that. It was this one.

Individual IHop. Yeah, yeah. Sailor's Old Country Kitchen in Portland. 72 on stake and the sides, if you can eat it. The sides is what kills you. And they have a board where over a thousand men have failed and only 72 have succeeded. Wow. And only like 100 something women have failed and like 50 something have succeeded. Yeah, yeah. They're better at stake. They know what they're more aware of their ability. Yeah, that's right. They're less arrogant. I couldn't eat 72 ounces of steak. No, it's too heavy.

I think the cow wouldn't appreciate it. There was a time I think I could have done it. What's the cut? I don't know, I think a big one. I don't know. It's got to be multiple, right? I've never tried to do it.

I don't know. It's probably like multiple. Right, like it's... Like how fatty, I guess, is my question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that would really have something to do with it. Big scoop ice cream. Big soup ice cream.

Great big. Sean Jordan, come up here first and second. Stars. Stars are big, dude Some of them. Some of them are talking about Tom Cruise. Giant of a man. Stars with a Z, right? The network.

Yeah, yeah. That's where you get the good cuts. Sean's really into power and all the extended union rules. He loves power, book of, power book of, uh, book of, uh, no. Not Book of Eli. Power book of Raising Canaan. What is it?

These are stars shows or something? It's all 50 cents. Billions? Huh? No, it's all 50 cents. Oh, billion? Yeah, yeah. Billions.

But now he does the, Oh, that's showtime. Showtime. God damn. Stars, dude. Stars. They're the biggest things. Do you have, do you have, well, planet.

I don't know, beetle juice. Black holes, but yeah. Yeah. Galaxish. Yeah, or collections of things. Yeah. I guess black holes are ruled. Stars are like, I don't want to start by arguing.

They're damn near the biggest individual thing, though. They're huge. A galaxy. I mean, I guess a black hole would be bigger than a star. Yeah. I'm not getting as much out of that. You're not getting anything out of it. I could if I got out there.

They've never had to be like, give her back. to me. Give me the light. Give me the light. Give me your hand, brother. I'll pull you out. That'd be me at a black hole. Don't you ever worry if we're at the cusp of a black hole. This is a fun fact. It might lose your bottom half. Every time Shane Torres

does stand up, a small black hole appears, which explains why he can never see the light. Boy, that was a real specific thing on Shane. God his ass, dude. Love you, Shane. Alpha Centauri is a dang star? That's a good one. Yeah. Oh, dude, can you name three more? What was that little Southie? That was a crazy.

Sassy like Alpha Centauri is like a big Beetlejuice, the sun. So there's three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beta Centauri. Beta, Alpha, Milori. Three's good. Uzbekistan.

That's right. Okay. In the infancy of the universe. Infancy. In the infinity of the universe. Yeah, that's got to be a star name. Makes sense. But yeah, three.

A star named Sean out there somewhere. Could be, yeah, yeah. I'm sure some idiots bought a star for their boy. You got a scam for 15 bucks. I don't know. for the podcast right now. I don't know if you can really buy a star through that way. I've always wondered if they're like, well, who's to say if that star is already purchased?

I think there's a lot of stars. It's a scam. You just put it in their book. Yeah, it's a scam. Sometimes it's funny to spend $15 and have your name in their stupid book. Scams are great, dude. And they'll send you a document. That's not free.

A flattened panties a scam. I love you. It's a scam. Well, but now that the pennies is you're required to flatten yours. Did you know that? Oh, yeah, because they're taking them out, right? Yeah, so you have to go to Disneyland and squish every one of them. You have to go to the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, legally. I've been putting mine on railroad tracks. Yeah, railroad tracks will count. You can throw them off the Empire State. We tried that a couple times. It never worked. Really? They just were gone.

Were you and your friends peer of heart? Yeah. We were tried. We were steadfast. Okay. That's the most important thing. It's not that it didn't work, it worked and the penny left also.

Yeah, but who's to say it worked? Yeah. Who's to say it worked? Probably flying off in the... I didn't see the evidence. Right, right. Yeah, stars. I'm trying.

Max is asking if stars are bigger than... You didn't see the evidence. and yet you think unicorns are real. And people under the ocean are alive. I think there could be people that live in the bottom of the ocean. What you need evidence for Vaselate child. Because I'm a free thinker and these two are living in the cage of reality. Because we haven't been out there.

But what was, what's their, why did they like that? I don't have time to figure this out right now. No, let's get it doing. No, you're right. We really don't have time to figure this out or now. He thinks because we haven't been to the bottom of the ocean, there could be a race of humans who live down there. I think that's possible. I'm asking him why did the people move down there?

Oh, I think they were. start there. I think they were made down there. They were made down there. Yeah, underwater God, she decided to make the race of people down there. So, even underwater God's a woman? Yes. You man. Yes. So Moist God made them. Moist God. But then Dryland God made us.

When I rap, I'm Moist God. Moist God's right here. Moist Godaloo. Moist the God. That was my SoundCloud name before the kids stopped listening. All right, you took Stars. What's your second pick, you Joker? The Grand Canyon. Oh, excellent. I've never been. It's good. I need to go. There are very few things, I would say, that purely live up to the hype.

And the Grand Canyon, you get there and you're like, all right, fair enough. You know, I've planned multiple road trips and then backed off within, like, during COVID with this girl, I was like, let's just go to the Grand Canyon tomorrow. Yeah. This could all be over. And then me and Alana have talked about Utah. Yeah, he's going to throw her in. Yeah, what the fuck? No, just like COVID.

The world. The world could all be over. The next thing that Wuhan Lab was working on was Canyon filler. Canyon filler. We're going to release next. A lot of cream to fill that, motherfucker. It's like five hours from here, right?

From L.A.? I think seven. It's... Not the way you draw, brother. I went... Playboy. I went when I was a teenager. Didn't appreciate it.

I have not been back since, and I know that it would hit different now. You know, I've been wanting to rent an RV and go, I think would be so much... They've got some glamping situation. Yeah. And then you can go glamping. Oh, I like glamping.

Yeah. It was fun to make fun of that. before and now that we could afford it. We should just go be comfortable. That's exactly what it was. Yeah, dude. The Grand Canyon absolutely rules. I have never gone to the other

side, which I'd like to do, where they have that glass walk out. Over the room, I'd like to do that, but it's a much longer drive. I did that at the Sears Tower and it's... Yeah. Can you go to the bottom in a burrow? You can go to the bottom on a dock. Those tickets like sell out to your...

Like, it's a very limited number of people who can hike in and take the donkeys, but I would do that. That would be fun as hell. My sister has hiked it. My older sister, like all the way down and all the way up. I would like to do that. I think that'd be fun. There's a lot of signs that are like just so you know you can't do this in a day. You'll die.

Yeah. Stop trying. Yeah. So that is, I like an intimidating welcome sign. You will die. No. No, you'll die. And you'll, you might die if you take several days.

Yeah. It's like crazy. It gets so hot. And then also so cold at night. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. So if you don't make it fast enough up, you're going to be trapped.

My wife went with her family. when they were like, when she was in school or something. And like one day a year, it gets completely fogged out. And they got there the day it got completely fog. So they pulled up and it was just this expanse of fog. And they were like, well, I guess the cany's in there. And the next day they were like had to be in Wyoming or something. Damn.

So she's never seen it though she's been. We were in Alaska and the Northern Lights came out and it was foggy. And we didn't see them. Have you seen them since? No. Me neither. I've never seen them. I saw in Portland last year.

Yeah. They got down. Yeah. The phone thing, it irked me because you could hold. hold your phone up and really see him. It's something with the lens or the camera. And then you put your phone down and you can see, you're like, okay, it is kind of different,

but it's not that blaring. Were you pure of heart? Yeah, dude, I was steadfast then, too. You keep saying that. I don't know that you are. No, I don't know. You're attacking my integrity. This is how you know, is if you can't see it.

I saw it. On your phone. Alex, we're not going to be able to finish this because one of us is going to have to kill the other one. We can still finish. You're threatening to murder me to prove your peer of heart. I just think that's enough right there. That's a red flag.

Do you think that you can cross your legs tighter than me and get away with this type of attitude? Is that where this is coming from? I just keep trying to pull my shit tighter. You feel intimidated by my leg cross? X and Y are going to fucking visit your chin. I use the least peer of heart person I've talked to this. It's really, it's galling. Oh, how much time have you spent wearing socks this trip?

Maybe the flight. When I landed, I took them off. I'm not a sock guy. You got, you got no showums in there? I got, I have the millennial socks still. I like him. Ian's got full, tall whites with the loafers. The Gen Z people appreciate it.

They'll call us that. 26. 26. I'm 26. Great picks. Grand candy, thank you. Yeah, great picks, dude. David, time for your second thing.

Yeah. Pick up trucks. Oh. I don't like these ones. No. Well, what? No, I love a little tiny The ones that are illegal here.

They have the same bed size. No, I like a tiny foot range. I'm thinking, I'm thinking specifically of Bigfoot. Do you remember Bigfoot the monster truck? Oh, monster trucks are pickup trucks. Bigfoot was a pickup truck. Oh, okay. But you just, if I were you, I take monster trucks over pickup trucks.

I'm thinking, what's the difference? The size of the lid? The wheel is all. Monster trucks do backflips, pickup trucks just like run over bicyclists. Yeah. What are we thinking? I'm thinking, when I think of a monster, I'm thinking of monster trucks. I'm picturing a Ford F3.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm picturing a Ford F350 with a punisher sticker on the bag. Yes, this is what I'm doing. No, no, no, I know. You mean monster trucks. Yeah, I'm thinking. Monster trucks are bigger than like a King Ranch. Yeah, we're going to be a monster.

Amazing. Bigger than a King Ranch. I'm glad we had. My wife, when she was a kid, her dad wanted to go to the Monster Truck Rally. And she'd seen clips where they like drive over cars. Yeah. She was like nine. She refused to go because she didn't want them to smash her car.

She thought, she thought, she thought everyone who goes to the monster truck rally and they drive over your car. That's beautiful. And no matter how much her dad tried to explain it. She's like, no, I just don't want them to do it to our car. I like our car. Yeah, that's what they tell you, dad.

Yeah, you can't park there. They're going to drive over your car. That's really cute. Have you guys all been? I've been to a monster. I've never been. I have not. This is on my list.

I would love to. It was actually where we went instead of the Grand Canyon. I saw, yeah, last time it was in Anaheim. Yeah. We grew up on your big foot and then Gravedigger took over at some point. Grave digger's not, it's got a tonne cover, though.

It's not like a pickup pickup. Right, you wouldn't ask him to help you move. No, no, no, no, but totally different. Bigfoot would move. Yeah, yeah, help you move for sure. I will say those big ass, I think they're so stupid in towns and cities. The big ass pickup trucks. Oh, yeah.

I guess like if I was on a ranch, it would be cool. I guess. I mean, I went to like, I went to high school an area where everybody was into pickup trucks and lifts and stuff. And I don't. I did some car commercials back in the day. Yeah. And we were, like, tootling around in some new pickup trucks.

And, like, the middle of it is just a minivan. It's a mini van. It's comfortable as hell. Same a many. Yeah. Yeah. And we, it had, like, heated seats and air conditioning in the seat. So your back doesn't get sweaty.

Like, it was a great minivan. Right. With this little tiny, like, patio that you don't need. Yeah. It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just. They're just big. Because now they also have shortbeds, too. Yeah.

When they started out with, like, the Chevy avalanches where it's like just get it. It's like this. Yeah. Totally. Totally. You're right. Get a fucking. fucking minivan.

Yeah. Man you don't want to because you're a man. Yeah. Sack up and get a minivan. It's what you actually want. It's better for it. It's more fun. It's better for the environment.

Well, they're not going to care about that. But you are going to run over fewer cyclists and children. I'm in like, just get a minivan man. You can't see in front of you in those trucks. I want a monster pickup truck. That I love.

A monster truck's great. This is a totally different story. Yeah. So fun. I want a dune buggy with those pipes coming out of the back. Ooh. Like a legal one? Yeah.

Like in a Furiosa? Yeah. Oh, yeah. legal-ish. It turns on the street. Alex, time for your second pick. Great pick. I really like monster trucks. Let's do

come out of that. Okay, let's do Blundermore. What is that? Sorry, Blunderbore. The giant from Jag and the Beanstalk, Blunderbore. Famous giant. And I would say unfair, unfairly traded. The Jack and the Beanstalk story is this idiot fucking kid. Yeah.

trades the only thing his family owns, a cow, for three beans. Like a dip shit. Turns out, works out. He gets to go up to this guy, finds this giant in his house, minding his own goddamn business, steals his gold, comes back, steals his hen that lays golden eggs, comes back, steals his magic harp. And then the giant gets a little irritated and he kills the giant. And then he marries a princess.

That's the story. It's just a kid who does everything wrong at every step. And it works out fine. And blunderbore, sit in his own house, gets murdered. A giant with a proletal. It's like a rom-com where they're rewarded for their bad behavior. Yeah. He's just like that.

This guy's kind of a dick. He's a huge dick. And he has a, the giant has a poet's soul because he rhymes. Fee-5-Fo-Fum. He does. That's from the blood of an English mode. That's what I came from. Yeah, it's a dope saying.

I thought that was the streets lyric. Fee-5-Fum. It is a line in Shakespeare, but I think it's from Jack in the Beanstalk first and then Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah. It took a lot of stuff from Jack in the Beanstalk. Yeah, I thought it was Stormsie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, uh...

Stole the eggs? What do you make with an egg? Omelet. What's the play name? It's so close. It's got lit in it. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. I didn't know that Jack did him that dirty. Jack fucking ruined this kid for no reason. Yeah, that is a greasy. For nothing. Stoll his hand was real. Like, you went back, Jack. Yeah, he had. So he stole the gold and like, they were, they were, they had one cow and lost it. And now they have a giant's size of gold. You already came up. You live forever. You're good. And he didn't come back and fight you for it. You were fine. He went back two more times. Sorry about capitalism, my friends. It is. Yeah. I've never read it to Max. And maybe I, I've never read it to Max. And maybe I

won't. She's got it. We got it at the crib. We'll read it, but in a proper context. At the end, be like, and what did we learn? Fuck Jack. Who do you think's the hero here? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Revis it. Do you ask her that question after you? I never have, but I'm gonna. And I just want to see. He plays menace. You know what she's going to say? She's going to say you're the hero, dad. I'll say you're

right. That's probably true. That is true. Well, it's a hero. Never thought of that. Good job. I came up with this thing. Since you're a girl dad, this is maybe something you can use. Girl dead. So girls, dad. So when she has, you know, friends who are also girls, some might call that a sisterhood.

But if you want to really feel empowering, you call it a sheesterhood. And if you want to get even more empowering than that, a sheester herd. Where were you when you wrote this? Do you do that last time? No, like, what was going on? You were driving down York,

and there was a feminist wine collector. There's a herd of women walking around. There's a feminist wine store. Sure. Yeah. On there, and they were having a sale. And I just said to Dana, oh, look, it's a sheisterhood. It's a she's on a wine store.

It's on a wine store. It's that she laughed. Okay. She thought that they were doing that for real. She thought it was actually they called themselves a sheesterhood, but I just made it up. You went in and got a, a schino noir. A chino noir. Yeah.

Okay. And then I put the sheister herd on top of it. Yeah. And then she's still, like, she was like, is that really what they're doing? And then it turns out, no. Okay. I just made that up. Yeah.

That was too good. I'll teach this, Max. I'm not going to give you credit. Don't. Okay, cool. Much like most of my brilliant. I do feel like every time you tell a joke, Max is probably like, who wrote that? No, I think I'm a good writer because she doesn't know the rest of the world yet.

That's got like Golden Globes quality too. You didn't write that. Thank you very much. And Oscar's patter quality. I'll use the Scotty Pippin on her. She'll love that bit. Time for my second and third picks. But first, I have to pee so bad that we're going to take the break a little bit early.

We'll be right back with more. All fantasy everything. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babel. Ola, yo so Ian Carmel. Now, you may have noticed that I was just speaking Spanish, a language different from the one I normally use on the podcast. And that's because I've been practicing Spanish with Babel. Now, if you've ever felt overwhelmed by the idea of learning a Nueva language,

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giant. My second pick, I'm going to take the statue of unity in India, which is the world's largest statue. Which means the largest statue ever. It is massive. And if you look up a picture of it, it

will freak you out. Yeah. What is it of for the listeners? Whoa! For the driver. That is so crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's Crazy, right? That's fun.

Is that one of the wonders of the world? Yeah. No. Well, no. Not anymore. No. Sorry, I was trying to get my name. I did.

The ancient wonders are the list. I mean, sure there's new wonders. Have you ever seen any of those? No. What are they? I mean, a bunch of them are gone. Christ of the United States of the United. No.

Is it not? No. There's like the hanging gardens of Babylon, the Library of Alexandria. Chichia It'su? No. Chichinizza? No. You ever gone on any pyramids?

No. No, no. I'd like to see some pyramids. None of them. This is a dope statue. That thing is great, right? That is cronkers big. That's like Game of Thrones big.

I would say maybe bigger than necessary. It's way bigger than necessary. Where is it? It is of, I'm going to say this. I'm going to pronounce this wrong. Sardar Valabavi Patel, the first deputy prime minister, the first deputy prime minister of India. Wow, dude.

How did he get that? That's crazy. That feels like compensation. It honors Patel's role in unifying the country and He, uh, yeah. That's so nice. I mean, that's good. I love, uh, this was what I was thinking and we have so, this is our first instance of it.

When I suggested the topic, I thought world's largest stuff. It's stuff that freaks you out how big it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I like that. I like a small town that's like, we got a strawberry that's 40 feet tall or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. Yeah. When, so this is new enough that we probably have footage of the aliens building it, right?

That's right. There's no way. Wow. Yeah, born on, uh, in 2018. That is... 2018? That's recent. Yeah.

It is 790 feet tall. Yeah. All told. Hold on. You're not serious. This is an eight-year-old statue? Yeah. It's 790 feet tall.

Announced in 2010, finished in 2018. Yeah. On what would have been Patel's 143rd birthday. It's a big statue in the whole world. Yeah. And no one's ever... So I found this out out... Racism.

It's racism. The other day where I was like, we got to be still... Like, oh, when I was in Miami, or whatever, Hollywood, Florida, and they had that big ass horse statue. It made me think like, oh, we must still be building new statues. Yeah.

And then I went, look, and there's like, the Statue of Liberty isn't even like top five anymore. Right. Right. In importance, yes. Yes. Obviously. The most important statue.

Because French. We. Is it called, do you call the Big Miss? I've never heard, did, I thought I heard someone called the Statue of Liberty the Big Miss just now. No, no one said anything. Can that be a name for it? You just hear that?

Did you say you get your jokes? Did you say the big miss? No, did you smell toast? I still do. You guys are... Isaac, stop making toast. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've been able to see for five minutes.

My sandwich is going to be toasted, though. You're smelling tartime? No, he said the big miss, but that is a fun thing to call with it. The big misses? Did you say the bigness? Oh, I did say bigness. Yeah. Okay, there we go.

I heard big miss. I see in terms of bigness. Is she married? I didn't mean? They tackled this in Ghostbusters, too. She's actually married to that guy. Yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah, they just met. So how tall is she? She's not anywhere near seven her feet, so she's got to be a little tiny wife. Let's all guess how tall the Statue of Liberty is real quick. What's in Wager's style? Actually, wait, do you know, Isaac? I do not. Okay, great, here's we're going to do.

Put a number in your head of how tall the statue of liberty is, and we're going to guess whoever's closest to his guess wins. This way we don't have to Google it. So just hold it in your head, Isaac. Okay. You got a number? I think I'm going to embarrass myself. But it doesn't matter.

No, there's a point. It doesn't matter. It's how close we get to what you think. It doesn't matter if it's right. you like this. I'm going to say, can I go? I'm going to go first. I'm going to say 120 feet.

235. I'm going to say 350. 300. What did you, what did you guess? 320. So David's. Oh, just barely. Good work,

Dave. Come on. We should play that game based on Sean all the time. Yeah. So the fun of this ends. Well, that's wits and wagers.

That's what that game is. It's actually 305 feet. What? Hell yeah, Isaac. This is my favorite thing for like, you're driving in like the internet's not very good. Let's not look it up. Let's just figure out if we can.

close to what Sean. He's a big proponent of this. I don't like looking things up if they don't matter. I'd rather talk about it. Totally. And that's what we... Lord and I will get to do it because I'll say something stupid. It's clearly wrong. And she'll look it up and I go, let's just talk about it for a little bit. Let's just be wrong.

Science lady? How dope it would be if what I said. What if there was a town that was all mustard? I don't see why that's got to be... I don't know what that means. I'm pretty sure we know that that's not really. It means we're going to get through the next half hour of this road trip and we're going to have a good time. That's what it means.

Talk about mustard town with me for a while. With my third pick, the statue of Unity is my... It's a great pick. My third, I'm taking the General Sherman, the giant Sequoia, which is the world's largest tree by the whole. Excellent. All right. That's the biggest one.

It's the biggest one. I love the Redwoods and the Sequoias in a way that transcends any way to describe it. It's so unfortunate because this is a podcast where you have to describe it. Okay. Let me try. Warm. Small. but good.

Safe. You're right, you couldn't. Insignificant. Lovely. Amazing. Yeah. That's sweet. When's the last time you got yourself around some big sequoys?

I go every day. Do you? I have a bench set up underneath the sequoia and I just fucking. Just push it out there. You don't sit on a bench. No, no. I lift. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just feels like it'd be nice for you to get up in some sequoias sometime soon because you do cape for them a lot. I love them. It's probably been a couple years since I've been around the Sequoia. Not too far out of town, right? Well, yes. Maybe I guess you've got to get up there. But General Sherman's one where they won't tell you where it is because someone might try to steal it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's undisclosed location. A tree heist. Top secret. Yeah, much like you're showing London, it's top secret. Exactly. It just looks up a tree heist. He's busy and that caught his ear. Isaac, make it seem like we're still recording.

I will. All right. Yeah, the General Sherman The world's the world's largest Sequoia. You don't know where it is. I know where it is. You don't know where it is.

But I can't find out unless I crack your head open with a hammer. No, no, no, no. Oh, it's in my butt. I like that in that scenario you could read his brain. Where is it? You got to start by asking, John.

There's a lot of Blink 182 lyrics I don't give a shit about. Where's this Sequoia? Where are you? I think he likes jazz. I like both. You crack that brain open. We'll see what's what?

A lot of Blink's still up there. There's plenty of room for both. It's not what she said. It's a big tent up there, buddy. Polonia's punk and penny-wise. What are the most lyrics you got up there? Probably Blink 1182. Beatles?

Beatles? Oh, I could see that. And then maybe Sublime. From Liverpool. You think Sublime is second? Maybe, yeah, Beatles and then maybe sublime. But their songs are like 12 words. But I know them, yes.

But I know them cover to cover. I'm guessing Tupac up here. Yeah, probably. Yeah. What do you think? Most lyrics. I don't know, man. Yeah, I wouldn't.

I don't count. Or movie quotes. We had lump those. Yeah, definitely. If we add that, then it's, I mean, the stuff I remember is so, it's so random. Yeah. It's just so like. Do you mean correctly remembered?

I'd like to say correctly remembered. Definitely. Yeah, yeah. Movies quotes over music. Yeah. I'm still hearing things all the time where I'm like, oh, he says home. Okay. Yeah.

I was just listening to Walking in Memphis at the gym And I was like, I know most of the words to this for some reason Walking with my feet 10 feet of a bill I'm going to Memphis I bet that's a good sneaky lift song, huh? Makes me want to lift, just hearing you guys sing it does, yeah I feel strong It does make you feel strong

Yeah And then you just go on that weird I was getting weird because it was like I was lifting and then I kept thinking about Fields of Barley The Sting song? Yeah. Yeah.

And then that got me there. Yeah. Yeah. Along the fields of Bali. That's what he's saying? No way. He said what we're talking about me. Did you know that?

No. He thought it was Fields of Marley. He thought it was about the Marley family. Ziggy. Damien. He thought it was about... Junior Gong. Junior Gong.

Junior Gong. No, and then... But then I went to that. And then, but then what was weird was... I went to tears in heaven. That's weird. No. A little too far for the truth. Weird for me and I do weird shit.

A little too far for the gym. I've been listening to a lot of police lately. The police. Really? You just listen to the scanner. You have to sell your body to the night. Roxanne. That Rigada de Blanc and whatever

that other weird name one that Roxanne is on are fucking great elves. Yeah. Yeah. So lonely. So lonely. You know what else I like to listen to is the modern lovers when I'm...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roadrun, road runner. Road, run. Is that Jonathan Richmond? Yeah. Yeah. Radio on! John the Richmond rules.

Yeah. You could learn a fucking thing or two from him. I want you to start lifting so I can hear what you listen to. Oh, yeah. Because some days when you're lifting, it gets weird. It gets weird. I mean, I listen to weird stuff when I run. I told you guys I've been listening to classical.

Yeah. That's scary. That is weird. I keep saying, but cigarettes after second. I listen to them when I run and that is not running music. Yeah. It is. I mean,

you could run from anything. Like dream pop. I'm running from something. You're right. None of you guys do podcasts while you do any of these things? Not while I do anything. Cardio. Oh, man.

I got it. Oh, yeah. When I run, I definitely need podcasts. Cardio. Take my brain away from the fact that I'm miserable that I'm exercise. Yeah. Cardio,

I'm like, thank God. Shannon Sharp decided to talk to Kevin Gage for two hours. I do listen to Cardio B a lot when I'm running. Nice. Oof. Excellent work. Excellent work.

Tom. Oof. Oof. But lifting has to be music. Alex, on for your third. I got three more, I guess, right? This one and then two more.

Then this one and two more. Let's do, well, let's stay with world's largest things, since that's what you were doing. Let's do world's largest basket. Newark, Ohio. Have you seen this basket? This rules.

No, no, no. Okay, so this is. There's a Newark Ohio. Yeah. Newark Ohio, classic. It's a company that makes picnic basket. called Longenberger. Pickingickinckckckes.

Langenberger. They built a seven-story office building that looks like one of their picnic baskets. I have seen this. And it rules so hard. And what was great was their previous office was a smaller picnic basket. And they were like, we're doing, we're killing it.

So they moved up to a $30 million structure that looks beautifully like a picnic basket. Then the party ended. The picnic party ended. And they started losing money. They left it. And now no one knows what to do. with it. So it's just a big, empty building picnic basket.

Unfortunately, ice has moved into the giant. Oh, so now it's a cooler. It's a cooler. Yeah. We should get in there. It seems nice. Somebody was going to make it into a fancy hotel and they're like, no one wants to go to Ohio for a fancy hotel. Which Ohio is Newark? Where, what part, what's that near? I don't remember. Is it by, I mean, we got, we have some, we have some folks out there. I've been wanting to get fancy office space lately for the cheap. I'm the cheap. I would, might have in an office. I wish we didn't live so far apart.

I would say we should go in an office together. I had an office for a long time at the late at show. I would like to keep office hours. I could shut the door. It would be nice. Just so people can stop in and ask some questions. Well, just so that I could dedicate parts of my day to what I do without having to do it in my home so it becomes so disjoint.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like it becomes hard to keep the structure in your house. This is the tough part because, and I've got in where if I want to go in the, we do have an office. And if I want to go in there and do some stuff, whatever it is, watch them. Watch the Matrix during the day. He means jack off.

Now I got to go to a coffee shop because if Laura starts vacuuming or something, I feel compelled to help. Otherwise, I feel like a loser. And so that's why I go to coffee shops all the time and jackoff. Just to avoid vacuuming. Would you actually mean watch the Matrix? No, I just mean go. You shouldn't. You shouldn't get up and help, right?

Right. Yes. But I do, I can't sit there in silence and just do stuff. So I put something on. I'll put on ballers or whatever. something I'm not going to focus on and then I'll do emails or whatever. Busy work. But I feel weird doing that because it does sometimes look like I'm watching ballers.

David, that's a great thing. Really quick, really quick size, if you want to know, how big is this picnic basket? 60 million quarts of potato salad. That's how big it would be. Wow. With relish? Almost enough. It's the same quartz.

That's a lot of mustard. That's mustard town right there for days. It is mustard town, Ohio. Sean bought a bunch of Mustertown hats and he's trying to like over the next few episodes. I'm trying to make fetch happen with Mustertown. It's going to be ramping up and then he's like, you know what, fuck I'm going to be selling

some Mustertown hats. This bitch's working. Everyone loves this bit. They're asking me to make t-shirts and I have an office full of them. On the loan, he's like, I mean, help me write a Mustertown bit. I cannot do it. Come on, you made the Globe sing. David, time for your third pick.

Drum kit. Oh. Whenever somebody's behind a giant Oh, when they have a lot of drums. It's funny that I need the word giant said to me before I can picture it where I'm like, oh yeah, yeah. But he's like, that's too many drums, man. And there's like sometimes there's like chimes and shit in it.

Yeah, yeah. It's like sometimes I watch it on, I'll watch it on YouTube. And it's just really fun. When you can do a Tom Phil that goes, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- It's going all day. Exactly. Yeah.

I like that. Some of those will have. It's just like, and it's like I love the idea of the drums. I love the idea of an expanding instrument in the way that, like, there's not like a giant trumpet. Yeah, you can't keep adding to a saxophone. Come on, though. Yeah, but you can't make a giant tuba. I mean, a tuba's already big.

And it doesn't become, it's not different things. Yeah, yeah, this is just more toys. Yeah, yeah. And you can see you're like, oh, you're getting all that whatever drum money. Yeah. And so you're like, I'm just going to, like, you're just at night getting drunk, shopping for new symple. Quadruple bass pedals or whatever you're doing. I like it.

I love the way that it also speaks to like the way that the drums work, which I think is pretty cool. Some of those, let me cut you off. Some of those will have hella pedals down there. Yeah, yeah. Now, what you're going to say, is that more important than what I just said. Let's see. I bet it is. I still feel like this is a cross thing.

He's on the defense for the whole episode. And maybe it's because you guys said I was balding right when we got here. Nobody said that, Adam. I said it'd be cool if you wore a wig. He'll shut up when you sat down. Maybe you had some cool sex for once. And I said you had a Jeremy Piven hairline. You hear what he just said?

We flew right over it. Because maybe I have some cool sex for once. That's right. Would be tight. Wig sex? Put on a wig and have sex? Yeah. You never had sex with somebody with a wig on?

I have. I'm not recommending it because it moves sometimes. And if you didn't know that was a wig. It's like another person. Yeah. Well, that's true. I'm pretty mellow. I don't think it would move.

I've had sex with a member of the wig party. Yes. She was old. Older the berry, the sweet of the juice. When I was having sex with the person, it was a British lawyer. That's why that way. Oh, that's right. Barister.

I only fuck Tories. Very well, the chair recognizes a young man for you know and about it. Sean, time for your third and fourth picks. It is? Yes. The Mall of America. Oh, I know you love a huge mall. Did you do that club?

It's a comedy club. I've been there. Yeah. Well, there's the House of Blues, right? And then there's, or not the House of Comedy. House of Comedy. And then there is three one. Charles Bronson.

Across the street. Jailer Brunson. House of Comedy. There was one called the. Bonson Burner House of Comedy. The Thunderbird Lounge was across the street. Right. Done a guest set up both.

Nice. Never got picked up. You were a mall guest. Never got picked up to do a whole week. I didn't want your boy. I've never been at that mall. Is it? It's big.

I've heard. At one point, biggest mall in the world, I believe. It's a little too big. Not anymore. China that's bigger. Well, now there is. The thing about mall is like, it's like a lot of stuff you know. It's that big.

Like, what are there stores I've never heard of? It's too big. There's like two lids in there, right? Oh, you're like four. There's like seven. Yeah. Like, that's like crazy. Yeah.

It's two lids in the town center. So if you get a bigger mall, it's just more lids. Yeah. It's not new stores. There was a meat of butter store. It's anti-Anne's uncle and's hot sauce. The whole and family. The whole Anne family.

Mr. and Mrs. Fields It's like kind of sucks. Coala Express. The gap, the bridge. It's all no good. That is too much of the street doing. That is fantastic. There's like a little amusement park in the Mall of America.

It's a big amusement park. They got a flume ride and everything. They got a real dope. Wow. In their floe. There's an adult floor where there's bars and hooters. What? Stuck out of hooters in there.

Bars and hooters? Hooters is the main restaurant he thinks of if it's not that in Mars They got a restaurant up there just called Boo It's all coat Oh dude this is the worst hooters I've ever been Sir this is a Wendy's This is an old spaghetti We're not the spaghetti then

Yeah In All of America Excellent pick And your fourth pick Giant beanbag chairs Oh yeah I love Regular sized beanbag chair

fuck off. I'm lobbying for a giant beamback chair for forever in my house and it is not happening. It's a little place where we can get together. I'm going to get one at one point.

Teen roof Rusted. I got a love sackin. It's his biggest away. I got a love sack. It's his biggest a whale. Is that guy still alive? I don't think he can die.

But I also don't think he can't get that guy and the guy from cameo together. Oh. If we still had MTV Deathmatch. Hey there, cameo, why do you get that? The two of them doing under pressure by Queen and David Bowie? Whoa, my heart hurts.

I'm shaking. Why can't we give love? One more chance. Why can't we give love? Give love. Oh, why can't we? We don't have no time to give that love a fucking chance. No more chance.

No more chance. They pull him aside. Kimio, sir, those are not the lyrics. His name is Larry Blackman. We've talked about this. I knew I had that up there. Because I've told you that I'm very, he's a big fear of mine. Yeah, he's scary.

The idea of that guy accosting my wife and I at night. Hey. Scares me. Oh, wait, that's a B-52's guy. The B-52's guy, I'm less scared. Oh, David. Your wallet and your keys now. My car broke down.

Can I come use your phone? Yeah. Tell me what's the code for the gate. I try. I got a gun. This is a stick up. Yeah, I don't like it. I hate it.

I don't even like we're joking about it. It's a cold world. All right. Giant beam bag chair. John beam bag chair. Yeah. David, we're talking for your fourth thick.

Okay. What is your normal size thing? Oh, bong. What? A bong. Giant bong. Oh, big bong. What's the,

it's always awesome. Yeah. Like even I don't, like, even I don't really hit bongs like that anymore. But every time you're in a situation with a giant bong, you're like, yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, you're like, we're doing this. From when we were kids and people would have those big, like six feet one or whatever. Yeah, those were nuts.

Always love a giant bong. The ones that were just across the living room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sitting, yeah. Do you remember? Or a zong you ever see when they, like, had kinks in them? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, love a giant bong.

Like basically like a whole hamster habit trail. Yes. But you smoke it. Yeah, yeah. Well, and the hamster's living there. My first stand-up. One of my first jokes that ever worked right there. Really?

Really? Really? Oh, that's great. Oh, great minds. One of my very first ones. You just said it. That was a good joke. You should still close with that.

I thought about it. You might catch it on this cruise ship on a dirty show. You should do that on comics on leash. Hey, Sean, I heard you had a bong. Yeah, I hear you're really in the hamster habitat. But not filled with what you might think. What if they overly set you up? There's a mustard bond.

I hear you're into bongs. Some of these bongs resemble other things. And those other things might be something that a hamster is usually in. Can I tell you I have my prompts here and one of them is so funny? Yeah. Yeah, tell me. Oh, fuck. Keep talking.

I'll wear a mustard down hat. I'll be like, it's filled with mustard this long. You ever got your hands on a mustard bong? I used to love when the bong will get cleaned. Yeah. And then, like, you put ice in it. And it's that one really nice, like that first go-round. Because later on, you'd be, like, smoking weed out of, like, a filthy bong.

Yeah, you do it. Yeah. And everywhere, it's all kicked up. There's red wine in there for some reason. Because you wanted to be classy. Yeah, there's a mouse smoking a smaller bong inside of it. This is how they do it in France. Yeah.

Right of two. Red of Tud. You got a little shino-noir in there. Yeah. Oh, this is the prompt Is this true? You've been talking about people's character? I cannot wait.

I cannot wait. Whatever that's a ill job. Oh my God, this show. Alex, time for your... Yeah! I know Sean already did stars, which makes this sound smaller, but Jupes is amazing. First of all, terrifying.

Sean also took beanbag chairs, which makes it seem big. It's so true. Yeah. So, Jupiter... So Jupter... Jupes, two and a half times the size of everything else in the solar system combined. Still double that.

It's got a storm on it, bigger than the Earth, that's been going forever. Yeah, that's right. Which is crazy. But it's the only reason we're here. If it weren't for Jupiter, we would not have life on Earth. Jupiter is playing defense permanently. It is deflecting asteroids and comets.

The one that took out the dinosaurs would be happening like every six weeks if it weren't for Jupiter. That's the one that got past the defense. But Jupiter is the reason Earth can exist. We have this big boy out there catching strays on our behalf. Jupiter's like Orlando Pace. He's our big left tackle. Yeah.

He's our blind side. Guardians of the, like the guy who kept Gordy house safe. Yeah, yeah, he's a goon. Jupiter's a goon. Yo, space goon. Space goon. Space goon. Jupiter's moon Io stretches like an egg sometimes because Jupiter pulls it so close.

And the only thing that keeps Io from going into Jupiter is all the other moons pull Iyo back away. It's like, I'm holding back. It's like trying to go to the light and they're like, no, don't do it. Stay here. It's like Alien Gonzalez. Oh, I forgot about that whole song. Yeah. Yeah.

Very political. Yeah. Moon. Yeah. Alien Gonzalez. Which would... Which size is the good one? Jupiter than other moons.

The end? Jupiter's Cuba. Jupiter's Cuba. Think of that one of what you will. I will. I will. I like Jupiter missile crisis. Yes.

I like from all the comments showed up with guns. Yeah. Give me that boy. That's Jupiter missile crisis. Time for my fourth and then my final picks. I'm going to take the Archie toothis, otherwise known as the giant squid. Oh, man.

That was on my list. We thought it wasn't real for a long time. And then one of them washed up. We're like, well, shit. We're like, oh, damn. Yeah. That sounds a lot like people at the bottom of the ocean. When one of them washes up.

Oh, God. You guys can suck my mustard. No, it doesn't. We saw evidence of giant squid on sperm whales. Yeah, people had known. Yeah. There's plenty of pollution. People had seen them.

There's pollution at the bottom of the ocean. Humans wash up on the beach all the time. There's water at the bottom of the ocean. There's a McDonald's down there. We know that for sure. We know that. Well, we know that for sure. You think top soil people built that.

Yes, and it was sunk. There's a documentary about it. There is. Yeah. After I watched Lou's Change. James Cameron, it's Avatar 3. The giant squid, Archie toothless. I just think it's great.

Like a sea monster's real. Yeah, I love it. They're so big. Cracking, yeah. How big they're? How big are they? As hell? 20 feet?

No, more than that. Isaac, what do you think? What do I think? What do I think? What do you think? What do that looking it up? Let's do that again. All right, I have a number.

Great. 20, 20 feet? 58 feet. Sorry, we just, we top to the bottom, armed arm to arm. Top to the longest, into the longest tentacle.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I think between the two of those, I'm going to say 30. Oh, I was thinking 120. Whoa. I thought 52 immediately. That's me.

That's Ian. I went over, but we're not doing fucking pricing. No, it's a different game. We can't do Price Rite and Isaac thing. Fuck prices right now. No, that's great show. It's a comics unleashed.

Uh, Giant Squid. length. Oh. How long are they? 33 to 43 feet. Wow. Okay. Was that you?

Yeah, I said 30. It's not exactly giants, is it? Well, it is. That's not big enough for you. Have you seen a squid, dude? Imagine you're eating an appetizer of fried squid and it's 30 fucking feet long. That's not big enough for you? That's my dream.

They just bring you a calomari leg. That's a whole like banquet table. A whole restaurant. Yeah. And my final pick. Excellent one. My final pick, I am going to take the season. wise giant, which is the largest ship ever.

Oh. Yeah. This is a cargo ship now? This is a cargo ship. A post-Panamax cargo ship? It was out of commission now, but it was 1,500 feet long. Holy. It's a big boy.

That's like five football fields, right? It's a big, big boy. Damn. It's water fully laden. It's the placement was 657,000 and 19 tons. Great. Now I can put it in perspective. before I couldn't get it.

But now unless you said the displacement in thousands of tons, now you can crunch those numbers. How many titanics? I'm just stating the facts here. Yeah, it was 1,500 feet long. Its draft was 81 feet. Hopefully that helps you out. It was incapable of navigating the English Channel,

the Suez Canal or the Panama Canal, because it was so big. Yeah, so I had to go all the way around the horn. It's the largest self-propelled ship ever built. Incredible. That freaks me out. I see those barges on the Colombian. It freaks me out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are big, these are big boys. It was fucking giant. And it was damaged in an air strike during the Iran-Iraq war. Oh. Man, Iraq and Iran. Yeah, yeah. You guys remember doing that?

Iraq and Iran. Iraq, Iran, I married. Oh, when it's hitting people in nuts. Yeah, when you hit somebody in the Hudson run away. Wow, boy. Yeah. Named two countries in the Middle East. It's just a big, boys, boys.

Big fucking ship, dude. That's a big ship. And every one of those containers is full of the dumbest shit you've ever seen. It would be like, you're like, you're carrying thousands of thousands of thousands of containers, you pop on over here, like, that's just slippers with the Delta logo on. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

It's all monopoly boards. And we don't realize they need a ton of. It would conquered physics to make that happen. Mustard packets. A ton of mustard packets. Mustard town hats, dude. You bought a whole container. That's why you got to keep working it in.

This started as a joke, but maybe you should make some mustard town hats. If they just said mustard on it, that would be cool. The town is what's the room. You don't like it? I could wear a hat that just said mustard on it. Yeah. Like mustard with a period What if it said town?

What it said town along the strap on the back? I'm out on the town. Well then you're going to be my first customer. I got to convert you to mustard town. You get the people who are on the side. I already got too many hats. What if it says town on the side? I can't buy a speculative hat.

I already have too many hats. You know what I was thinking of and I know this is like going on a whole tangent. Yeah. Would you guys ever, are we too old to customize fitted hats? I think we've gone too far Oh would I go to Lids and get one? Like you take this in and then you get it to say like

I put six on the side David number 69 or whatever Yeah David's probably too old I think put just 69 on it yeah Well just like but to customize your fitted It depends on what you put on it Yeah I remember if you were like if you put on it

Like Mustard Town Now I get that you're trying to keep your business alive If you put Rip Gilbert Godfried I'd be like yeah That's a lovely treat you That's tasteful I was on I was on one of his last projects, I think I'm allowed. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I, uh, okay. You were in Aladdin

four. Yeah. Yeah. No, one of the last things he did was our show was, uh, Royal Crackers, his episode. Oh, wow. Crazy. Uh, I just, because I remember a kid in high school, he started calling himself Diesel and nobody else did. Yeah. He got it on a hat for football, but it was D-I-S-E-L. Dude, that's a her verbal. He was, in his defense. Yeah, everybody kept said, day-celled. Like the farm that makes the turkey? It was so funny. Was he Diesel? Was he buff? for like a kid in the ninth grade. Alex, your final pick. God, I have so many things that I want to do

and I don't have time for all of them. I almost did giant steps the John Coltrane song for you. I would love that. As a gift, it's a great song, but I do think, I promise.

It's got that solo with piano player like totally fucks up. He can't play it so hard. It's so good. Well, who can blame him because he's like, I gotta play this shit? Yeah, yeah.

He's going all over the fucking wheel. The story on this on the song was that he, like, people don't open a lot of jazz windows for the man. Okay, All right out of you. You know what? I'll live in it.

I already said, I'm sorry. I didn't get back to Jolly Green Giant. Okay, so Giant Steps, amazing song, Coltrane. He sent the chart to the piano player, Tommy Flanagan, and he was like, and Flan looks at it. Who is a good piano player? And he's like, these are crazy notes, but it's all whole notes. It's really long.

He thought it was a ballad. He's like, this is hard, but I can do it. He gets in it and Coltrane counts it off. He's like, one, two, three, four. And they play it so goddamn fast. He thought it was going to be like, one, two, three, four. And they just count out. Super fast.

One, two, three, four. And then, you hear on the solo. This is a famous jazz record. You hear on the solo, he starts, and he's doing okay, and you hear him get slower. Until he's just playing like, da, da, da, da. And then the saxophone comes back, you know, from takes it back. It's like, you're blowing it, Tommy. Yeah.

And then old Coltrin takes back. That's the one they put out. And Tommy just had to be like, all right, well, I guess I fucking got my ass out on Giants. Seriously, one of the best records of all time. And I'm going to listen to that way to it. It's excellent. Excellent. The solo is so funny.

Put it in my room. Yeah, Tommy's great. So that was a gift to you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it very much. I don't want you to hear a jazz. It's a great song. Yeah.

It's a, you gotta be in the right mood to listen to it. Yeah, you don't like it weird. You don't, I like it really weird. I'm not a huge Ornette Coleman fan. I like weird miles.

Oh, I like a shape of jazz to come. It's really good. I don't throw it on as much. Or Cecil Taylor and the free jazz. You're a free jazz guy? Sometimes, sometimes. Sometimes. I like, I like, so shape of jazz to come.

Yeah. It's a good record. and was correct. He did correctly predict where a lot of jazz was going. Yes, he did. Post-hardcore band The Refuse puts out

shape of punk to come. That's right. Also correct. Yeah. So I wonder do you put out shape of jokes to come? Are you ready? I put out shape of funk to come.

Shape of funk to come. And that's just smells people are going to be into it. It's a smell out. Got in there. Corn beef. I don't know how you did that. Yeah, Sean was like, I don't want any part of this room.

I'm not doing it. I don't know. What was that happened? You guys did the whole riff about. I didn't know who I didn't know who it was so I like glad I got to be part of this one. Oh, you're not going to listen to Cammy. No, I don't know that. I got a separate riff about jazz so I don't need it.

I'm good. Very fun though. Listen to cameo. I've really tried to get into the free jazz. Every now, like shape of jazz that comic can listen to but like some of it, free shit is just too free. I like B-Bob and Post-Bop. Yeah.

And I like Fusion. I like the stuff on either side of free. Yeah. Yeah. I'm enumerous. I like it. I like it all depending on the mood. I love it.

I do. But I like Miles. There's like no Miles. I don't really like. You said you didn't like a bitch's brew. You said bitches brew too far. I still, no, I said I don't listen to bitch's brew a lot.

It's not my favorite. In a silent way of that era. I'm allowed to say that. Yeah. What? Bitches brew. You're kidding. Take a temperature on somebody's Miles Davis interest.

He got pretty weird. I mean, I'm a kind of blue. That's my favorite. But it's real. Perfect. He didn't have a song called Bitches brew. Yeah. Alvin called Bitches brew.

Yeah. Did you know this? I listened to his book. Sure. He says motherfucker a lot. I listen to. a lot of no playing motherfuckers so I have heard a lot of...

Somebody's naked on the cover too. Yeah. It's either is famous or second most famous album. Yeah. And kind of blue is perfect, but it's also like, you know, anyone can like that. This one's harder.

Okay. But I definitely like a little more cocaine jazz than heroin jazz, personally. I like it to be... I like it rough. To truly appreciate kind of blue, not everyone can do that. Oh.

I just neg you the smallest bit and you spent three minutes It's just simmering on it. To really understand. Bill Evans' involvement in the album. Let alone Julian Cannonball Adderley. No, I'm a little more heroin jazz than cocaine. But I like the cocaine.

We'll talk about this more. This is great. Thank you for letting me do this. Yeah. David, your final pick. Oh, yeah. In line with what you guys are talking about, ass. Yeah.

Not too far off, especially the bitches brew album cover. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Male, female. Seam one on a donkey. Yeah.

Just big old ass. Oh, that's starfish with the huge... Oh, that's true. No, I haven't said it was a starfish. There was a starfish with a real juicy ass. And it turns out their arms, but it looked like ass and like a beautiful... So this went viral. It was nice.

Okay. I was talking to a starfish scientist for a video the other day. And he was like, I got so many fucking phone calls when that starfish with the juicy ass was going around. It looked like it ran hurdles in college. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I love me. Me, I got a picture of a sweet potato with a big ass.

I see that. Oh, yeah. I just, I just love a giant ass. It's always fun. That donkey, if you guys have seen, is really funny. I haven't seen there's a donkey with a fat ass. Wait, now that I'm thinking about it, I think this is just a friend. There's a donkey.

Oh, yeah, I like that. Let me see if I can find this donkey. I think the donkey is just my friend Mel. It's just, my friend's a guy. No, he used to drive past it on the way to Elizabeth. It's just a donkey we've seen. I bet. But yeah, giant ass.

Everybody loves it. John, your final pet? That's, because it's busted in. Open. Yeah. Doing the splits. It's you at home. This starfish is really...

Ha ha ha. It's good. It's a bunch of dollars on it. John? That is it a ding-dong and honey I shrunk the kids? Oh. Oh, the cupcake. It's a cupcake.

This is a perspective. Yeah, this is a good way to think about it. Normal size to us, but if you got honey I shrunked. If you got honey I shrunk. If you got honey I shrunk, then the frog, remember the frosting? When they were getting in the frosting, you're like, damn, that would be... It would rule. Oh, the cookie?

Yes. That's what I'm thinking of. The oatmeal cream? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the scary ant. That's what I'm thinking of. Why don't they reboot that? Is it a practical effects thing?

I don't know. Okay, so I wrote one of my first pilots that I showed to my manager. I wrote a pilot called Tiny Wife about a guy whose wife, honey, I shrunk the kids herself. And he was like, this sucks. It's not good. No one wants it. Yeah. And then last week, down sizing.

Well, damsizing. But they just, I just saw a trailer for a new show on Peacock that is my miniature wife. And it's very, very similar. Wow. That hurts. So my question to you as a longer time professional writer, do you send that to your old manager and tell him to suck it? Yes. Okay, great.

Yeah. I will be sending you. Oh, you've since fired said manager. I have moved on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really funny. I mean, he was definitely right. It was not well written, but he also hated the concept.

And I think the concept is good. Yeah. Your wife lives in a dollhouse. It's at least a good concept to get out there where it's like, oh, this dude's writing something different. That's like a good high concept. Maybe not the pilot they make, but the pilot that gets you the meeting. And he was like, it seems like what you want to do is like Disney Channel original movies,

but for adults. But he said that like it was a bad thing. That's what a good concept. All of Hallmark shit. That's like a lot of Netflix. Perfect. Yeah, yeah. No vision.

Yeah, no vision. But miniature wife now appearing. So they are still doing them. That's exciting. There's new miniature wife. Practical effects? Great question. I actually, I don't know.

Because that's what made it so great. That's what made it real. Yeah, it's what made the cupcake awesome was that somebody had to make out of fiberglass, this giant was for them to go make it look tasty still. Isaac, do you have a pick? Victor Wenamah. That's a big guy. A big boy.

Great one. We need to kill him. Warrior in a garden. Do we? He needs to die. Why? He's too big. It's not fair.

No, I like it. He's so zen. I think he's going to get... We have to kill the shortest person, too. I think he's going to get old so cool. I think it's going to be a Bill Walton kind of thing. I think you're right about that. And in my heart of hearts, I believe that we have to, we have to kill him.

I want him to do those commercials where you're like, swatting away trash in the air? Yeah. The Mutumbo commercial where he was doing different. That is fun. I don't know. I think wherever Wemby goes,

I think we're going to actually be really, he's already really interesting. He's incredibly interesting. Yeah, yeah. Also, is this, you know, the best thing. If he played for Portland, would you feel that way?

No. He could get another ring up in that city. If he played for Portland, he would have gone already. Yeah, yeah, he'd be dead. He'd be dead on his own. The Guinness Book of World Records is always doing that thing where they're like, we took the tallest dog and the shortest dog and we had him hang out.

I think you should do the NBA players too. You have a pal day where the shortest guy and NBA. Kyle Lowry is he's selling the link? The Yuki Kawamura. Oh, yeah, Yuki Kalamura. They should do a buddy comedy. To recap, I went first. I took Andre the Giant, the Statue of Unity, the General Sherman, Archie Toothist,

and the Sea Wise Giant. Alex, you went second. You took the Blue Whale, Blunderbore, the Giant Basket, Jupiter and the song Giant Steps by John Coltrane. David, you went third, you took giant scoop of ice cream, monster truck, giant drum kit, a bong in an ass. Sean, you went last. Sounds like Friday night. Stars, the Grand Canyon, the Mall of America,

beanbag chairs, and cut in that cupcake from Honey I Shrunk the Kid. Really good. Excellent picks all around. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything, Patreon, where you can get mailbag episodes, auction drafts, this or that episodes, live episodes,

all sorts of extra bonus content. get in there. Sean's balls. Sean's balls are on there. For the right price. For the right price. Alex, thank you so much. Thank you so much.

What a great time. This has been a giant amount of fun. There he is. Shout to Super Producer Isaac on the ones and twos. Shot to the AFC subreddit. Shout to St. Sue Carmel. Shot to Frankios. Shut to Sid the dude.

Shot to Hodja Pizza. More important than all that. Tune it again next week to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything. Shackety! That was a hate gum podcast. Hi. I am Mandy. More. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on Headgum.

Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.