All Fantasy Everything - Good Feelings (w/ Jake Hurwitz, Amir Blumenfeld and David Gborie)

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

HOW Y'ALL FEELING? YOU FEEL ALRIGHT? I hope so, because Jake and Amir are back to draft things that feel good, with host Ian Karmel and David Gborie. Slip into a bath and get into it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that had to drive to Encino, California to meet with its accountant this morning. And it's funny we should mention Encino, because today we are sitting with someone I will call the prince of Encino, California. Wow. The native son. The native son. I am the Encino man. I am the Encino man. You're the Encino man. Today we are drafting.

I feel like I made that too short. The intro is usually way longer than that, isn't it? But if you didn't say anything, I don't think anyone... We wouldn't have noticed it. Now they're going to tweet at you. Now they're going to be angry. The people are already upset. This hasn't even dropped yet and I'm getting tweets about it.

I don't think people are ever complaining about how short this podcast is. No, no, no. That will never be a complaint. Yeah, that probably won't ever be a complaint. Anyway, tune in again next week for another break. We just all yell our decisions at the same time. Yeah, just a really quick speed round. Today we are drafting the best feelings ever.

Yeah. A suggestion from Amir. Yeah, I'm really excited about this one. Who is the Prince of Encino? Thank you. You grew up out there? I grew up, yeah, near Havenhurst and Ventura.

The heart of Encino. The heart of Encino. Yeah. What was the vibe out there growing up? Was it kind of suburban? Great question. Great question.

Very suburban. Very suburban. Very suburban. Huge moment was when that Barnes & Noble opened up on Havenhurst and Ventura, changed Encino forever. Did it have a Starbucks in it? Yes, it did. That was huge for us in Beaverton, Oregon. When the Barnes, 24-hour Starbucks.

Can I ask a question about the Starbucks in the Barnes & Noble? Of course. What? How much of a book am I allowed to read for free in there? Oh, you can, it's, with books,

you can do whatever the fuck you want. There are libraries, you just go in, grab a book, and leave. That's how people read all the books.

Everybody that has a bookstore is just happy that you're reading. Right, right. You can set fire to a full section and they'll be like, you know,

at least people are talking. So if I, they're selling like hotcakes. And then they'll high five a standee of Dave Barry. Nice. But I could read a whole book in there in theory? Oh, yeah.

Not even in theory. Straight up practice. In actuality, yeah. I saw people doing that shit. When you look at magazines, people get mad. Because you can look at a whole magazine and then walk out. That is weird. People would get mad about magazines, yeah.

Especially Mad Magazine. Yeah. out people would get mad about magazines yeah especially mad magazine yeah you'd be halfway into a stuff magazine and somebody wearing a barnes and noble polo tucked in the cack as it would come over and give you a stern look you have to buy that before you finish it yeah before you jerk off to this picture of mila kunis on the beach i i had to tell a kid to stop doing that at my gas station that i worked at he He was jerking off? He would come in probably once every seven to ten days. And yeah, he would walk around like we didn't know what he was doing. And then he would clearly grab an FHM or something like that.

And then go to the bathroom. Oh my God. And then come out crazy disheveled. Dude. And then I was working with this girl mary that day and she was like we have to do it i'm not gonna do it you have to tell this kid and i had to like it sucked man he was like clearly like a nice kid like who's he was just scared to take a fhm home right you know what i mean probably had a weird home life yeah oh clearly he was polo shirt tucked

into wranglers like it was a weird Sweaty sure just had to be like hey man. You can't take the magazines into the back. It's nice that you let him finish. Yeah You know what that guy coming out like half cocked. There were times my parents knew I was masturbating in the shower, and they would just like rap on the door. Let him clean it up. He's going to do it. Just let him finish and then say, you know what, for the future, don't do that. That's nice.

Because I feel like you go through that together as a family. Like your whole family knows that you're jerking off incessantly. It's funny that you think that they – like I thought thought that i my mom just thought i took a 20 minute shower after you watch police academy come out completely dry it was just a body rinse mom i'm exfoli exfoliating. I got that, oh, God. St. Ives, there it is, yeah. Got that St. Ives that comes out like good mustard. You know, it's all seedy and everything.

The rainy, the apricot. Yeah, the apricot's great. Yeah, I love that stuff. Yeah, it doesn't taste like apricot. It doesn't even smell that good. Spoiler alert. Yeah, spoiler alert. Yeah, as in spoil your whole dang day.

Nice. The laugh you hear right there, David Borey. Hey, hey. Returning champion. Returning from Denver. Returning from Denver. Can I say also thank you to all the AFV fans who came out in Denver? You guys were so great.

You really made my weekend. Yes. Specifically, Amanda, Ian, and Kyle. Yeah. Good shout out. Different Ian, not me. I didn't fly out there to go see David. He could have come out, though.

I would have loved to. Also, the three fans, I didn't get your names, but you took a picture with me, and then I took a picture of you guys and sent to Ian, and then I showed the picture of Ian with the thumbs up back to you. That's good. I appreciate you guys, too. I was just hanging out by a river in Portland, waiting, just waiting, waiting for a text. Also, shout out, when we were in Healdsburg, I forget, that woman who drove all the way

from Tahoe. The woman with the raspberries. Whose name, can't remember. We were doing a show in Healdsburg. She brought you raspberries? She brought us raspberries. On a three hour drive? Yeah.

And then just turned around and went home. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't even see her after the show. No, but we saw her during the show. And thank you for laughing at the jokes. Jake Hurwitz. Hey.

Also joining us today to draft best feelings. Thank you. Where's the furthest away someone's brought you raspberries from? Ooh. Yeah. The kitchen, maybe? Yeah. Yeah.

Between 45 and 60 feet. Yeah, no. Not far. Never three hour. Never three hour. Never three hour. Never like Tahoe. Maybe blueberries. Maybe blueberries.

That's a whole different... Well, those travel so much better. And if we're talking about peaches, then forget about it. Peach? Oh, my God. Someone flew you in a peach from Siberia. That's where they grow them the best. I feel like a blueberry would travel better than a raspberry.

It's got a harder exterior shell. Yeah. And they like... Raspberries are so temperamental. They're so soft. They're so temperamental. I'm travel better than a raspberry. It's got a harder exterior shell. Yeah. And they, like, raspberries are so temperamental. They're so soft. I'm a bit of a raspberry. You really got to take care with me, you know? Yeah. But if you get me in the right mood, I'm so sweet.

I feel like you've been really searching to find what you are lately. I really have been. There was a piglet situation as well. Yeah. Our friend Marcella told me my spirit animal's a piglet, and I kind of like it. Yeah. A baby pig. They're cute. They're sweet. They're piglet, and I kind of like it. Yeah, a baby pig. They're cute. They're sweet.

They're smart. They're cuddly. Yeah, they're so smart. They like to get dirty. They like to get dirty. If you don't switch up the games you're playing with them every couple weeks, they get angry. How do you know that? Also, if it's a hard winner, the meat will get you through it.

Oh, yeah. The meat will get you through it. That'll be a plump day oh so I wanted to say we were talking off air and I just decided we should talk about it on the podcast Hamilton is in Los Angeles right now oh you went?

no I didn't go but I listened to the soundtrack it inspired you to download the music they came close enough I'll check this out I went in, I wanted to hate it that's how I feel is it like magic school, but see that's that's what I thought It was gonna be I thought it was gonna be like fucking schoolhouse rock Magic school bus he wouldn't have been bad. Yeah that show fucking kicked ass PBS had some bangers for a while. Oh, yeah

It was really good. PBS had some bangers for a while. Oh, yeah. Bill Nye. Wishbone. Wishbone. Wishbone. Wishbone was good. What a great dog.

Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider was on PBS? Yeah. I think that was- That was like the urban flavor. Yeah, and there was a little mystery to it. They lived in New York City. Yeah, they did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to hate it. I thought it was going to be very like turn my chair around and like, you know who the original Jay-Z was? William Shakespeare. That was what I thought thought i was gonna be going into it and then like the production's actually really good and some of the rapping is really good some of it is corny as fuck don't get it twisted it is a lot of what you think it is but then there's just enough of it that's good that i was like oh hell yeah and i listened to it one and a half times oh wow at one and a half speed is it it's like twista do they just tell the story of history yes through rap yeah that's not even an

original idea no every substitute teacher in the 90s 100 i think the thing is like he the guy who made it lynn is also such a huge hip-hop fan that like it's not like this random dude is like a hip a hop a hippity hop right he's like an actual he's a bona fide hip-hop fan that it's not like this random dude is like a hip a hop a hippity hop right he's like an actual he's a bona fide hip-hop fan that's correct so i think it comes through and hip-hop fans can also appreciate it yeah they were like quoting mob deep in it and stuff yeah really yeah i'm only 19 but my mom's much older they say that like a couple times in it really yeah yeah okay like there's like there's like enough in there that I feel bad now for having judged it so harshly.

And then the rest of it is just great. It's really good. Yeah. All right. You did that video with Lin and James Corden. Yeah. We did a crosswalk the musical with Lin-Manuel Miranda. There we go.

Are you going to go watch it? Total dork. Now? No. I don't think so. I feel like I kind of got the gist of it. I don't even see whoever third place is to play Hamilton. You know, whoever they got going on the road with the production.

Yeah, the road crew isn't as strong, right? I bet they're good, but yeah. They must be really good. I mean, it's such a high-profile musical that you're not attracting B-level talent. Right. It probably is a really talented person. Yeah. Even the third best Hamilton in the world is pretty awesome.

It's a pretty good Hamilton. Yeah. It is Nas. It's actually Nas. It's Nas. Oh, that'd be cool if like a real hip hop person actually played it.

They probably could. What's Plies up to right now? Plies would do it. Plies would do it, right? I think he would do it. Or maybe Busta. Isn't like the guy who raps really fast

supposed to be Busta Rhymes? Busta can rap really fast. Mystical, is he out of jail yet? No, no. He just went back. Hamilton has to rap really fast. Mystical, is he out of jail yet? No, he just went back. Hamilton has to also sing, right?

Yeah, but I don't know if Lafayette and Jefferson, like the guy, Daveed Diggs that raps really fast, I don't know if he sings. Why doesn't Drake do it?

Oh, Drake, One Night at Hamilton. He's from the background. He's from the theater. Could he do it? I mean, Degrassi's Canadian.

He could definitely do it. Degrassi's Canadian Broadway. Yeah. do it. Degrassi's Canadian Broadway. Drake as Hamilton would kind of break the internet. I think that's brilliant. I think he would love it. Yeah, I think everyone would love it, right? If it happens, somebody better write a big fat check to us. I think he could do it.

I think I'm going to put that bug in his ear. Put that bug in his ear. Get it, Drake. We should draft Hamilton. Official Champagne Poppy on Instagram. Yeah, there it is. Just throw a comment on there. He reads them all. Yeah.

We aren't drafting Hamiltons today. We are drafting best feelings. One of which is realizing you were wrong about Hamilton. Yeah, that's good. I think that would be a bad feeling. It was kind of a bad feeling. And the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors or Rochambeau in honor of Hamilton.

In honor of the German-French mission specialist? Yeah. The German- French engineer? French- French commander? He was out there fucking doing it. Rochambeau's a real man.

Rochambeau, yeah, was a real person. It was a startling revelation. Yeah. Can you imagine those battles? Rocks, papers everywhere. Throwing rocks. Scissors. Giving each other paper cuts. Scissoring underneath a cold blue moon. It was France. We didn't know better.

They didn't. They knew. They did know better. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Alright, the three of you will play rock, paper, scissors and it goes on shoot okay odd man out wins odd man out regardless yeah yeah whatever it is yeah all right I got it it's a real

loose Jake just winked at me because he always throws the same thing he's gonna do it he's like Bart Simpson but do I throw it do I throw it this time if you will ready rock paper scissors shoot damn it

Jake wins We fell right into it You throw a rock every time? Yes, I do The rock never fails The fucking rock, dude It's a rock, man The only thing that beats it is paper

You don't have to finesse it Also, like a wrapped up rock If you wrap it It's just nice It's just a nice way to give someone a rock It's a gift of a rock You put googly eyes and a tail on it. Oh, cute. A little pipe cleaner. That's good.

That's a paperweight, Mom. Do you... Is anyone using pipe cleaners to clean pipes? Now that I use a pipe frequently. By that I mean a marijuana bong. A tobacco water pipe, if you will. No, I don't use one. You don't ever use a pipe cleaner?

No. Me either. Every time it gets dirty, I throw it against the wall and buy another one. Yeah, I've only ever used a pipe cleaner to make a puppet. Yeah, I've never used it to clean. A lot of situations I understand where it would... I see, I understand how well it would work. Absolutely.

If necessary, for sure. It would clean a straw really well. Oh, yeah. It's really more of a straw cleaner whoa whoa whoa don't talk about cleaning straws I have to wrap my feelings you stole my shit they wouldn't make them in such whimsical colors

if they weren't for mostly arts and crafts cause then you just feel bad getting like a hot pink pipe cleaner yeah just waste it it's just covered with resin fuck that shit Jake what will the order of the draft be? Has anyone ever chosen you to go first? Yes.

That's nice. Wait. I feel like that's a shot to a goal. Yeah, because you never play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only done it once, and I lost. I only threw rock, paper, scissors when Sean David and I picked

best things to do when you're drunk. Oh, that's good. Because I want a Taco Bell, but Sean won, and he got Taco Bell. Yeah, I feel like I know what Jake's first one was going to be, and I was excited to steal it from him. Wow, interesting. But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe you can. What is the order going to be? Me, you, Borey, Blumenfeld. There it is. Jake. Ooh, and that is the shape of an S, which is good. What type of draft is it? It is a serpentine draft.

It is a serpentine draft, which means if you pick first in the first round, you pick fourth in the second round. And vice versa. So we're to picture a snake going to a wall, hitting it, and bouncing back. Like the great folks from the great state of Utah, picture the classic Snake River. Not Utah, Idaho. Idaho, yeah.

But there's a curvy river in Utah too. There's gotta be a river out there. There's definitely rivers there. It's like a switchback. A river runs through it. Picture like my new gold chain that I got. Yes. For getting nominated for an Emmy. I bought myself a gold chain.

I was nominated for an Emmy. I'm doing well. Things are great. Just sort of picture that getting like slowly dropped into my nightstand, you know. Is that where you keep it? Like in a. I put it right next to the bed. Yeah.

Because that's the first thing that needs to go on. You got to sleep next to the metals. I need to sleep next to it. I put my silver under my bed. I hear a noise outside. The silver's under your bed? Silver's under the bed. You need to be able to get to it.

Like it's 1834. I got 10 gold chains in the house. I can get to all of them in under two seconds. In every case of time. I can get to them in the dark. If shit pops off, I got a gold chain on. I have the idea of having a chain for every emergency occasion. I'd get to him in the dark. If shit pops off, I got a full chain on. There's a fire?

A chain for every emergency occasion. And the house is on fire. Oh, no! Go, go, go! I run back in for another chain. No! Count off. This is my full chain!

All right, so, Jake, you have the first pick wait should we do pizza what let's have pizza topics pizza topics what mushroom what

no just joking oh shit I just had a heart attack that scared the shit out of me I'm always ready for one of those that would be fucking I thought about this

way too long just pepperoni salami for you it's the same list that was there it is the exact same list. That was there already. It is the exact same list. I just have mushrooms as number one regardless of what we're choosing. No, I thought about this way too long and hard to switch right now.

Okay, okay. All right. I got a list about like 15. I have to choose my favorite five. Pizza topping is the next one. But Jake, as we are drafting the best feelings, you've selected yourself to pick first. You are now on the clock. Best feeling is the first kiss with somebody you actually like.

Oh, damn it. That is the best feeling. That is a really good feeling. Thank you. Sixpence none the richer starts playing in your head. Or my head. Whatever. I hear walking on the sun.

Oh, really? I hear bittersweet symphony oh you're gonna get just as the drums pop in you know rolling stones are coming after you for even

even hearing that in your head after a first kiss that is with someone you actually like and it is highlighted by how little of a fuck you give the first kiss with somebody you don't actually like

oh somebody I hate that's my feeling number two oh okay you also like the first kiss with somebody you don't actually like. Oh, somebody I hate? That's my feeling number two. Oh, okay. You also like that. First kiss with somebody I hate? Oh, baby. Actually, maybe fucking somebody you hate is the best feeling after that. Again, to bittersweet symphony drums.

Always. Because when you kiss somebody, you know this is probably just a hookup. Right. It doesn't mean that much. Or if you're too trashed to even realize what you're doing. Right, yeah. Like, are we kissing or are we just matching our faces against each other because the texture is interesting and it is yeah and it is an interesting texture to me it's also glad that they got dorito dust in the corner right exactly you get a little fleck of it yeah before before you kiss somebody you're like you're wondering so much like whether they like

you back oh yeah and then when you like when you finally kiss them and it's sort of confirmation it's although i heard from a lot of girls that they're like i don't know and i don't know that i like someone until after we kiss because like sometimes they're like that's how they feel it out like if you're a bad kisser then they'll give you the boot but i don't know if that i don't know if guys ever think i've never experienced no no no no somebody could be a bad kisser and And if I like them, I'm open to work with it, I guess. I'll just change the way I kiss. For a while. Then after a while, you're like, well, this is weird.

You can try to do that coaching, though. You know, like you're teaching someone how to swim. With your tongue? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, maybe you try to set the example for how to kiss. Like if you see me going like this. Yeah, maybe you try doing this. Then you start going like this. Yeah, because sometimes people go into it like they're a horse eating an apple

and that's not good. It's a long time since I've had like a bad kiss though. I think that some people, if you're a bad kisser, who's gonna know? Well, there's two different ways you can be bad, right? It's like one is not enough tongue, or the lazy tongue, and then two is like way too much. Oh, way too much tongue is awful.

I don't like when people bite my lip. People sometimes think that's sexy. I feel like they think it's such a great move. Yeah. It's just annoying. I don't like mixing my pains and my pleasures. It's a cilantro thing. Is it?

Yeah. It tastes like soap. Yeah. Some people think the lip bite tastes like soap. Some people love it. They like it in the pho. Yeah, as a garnish. Or whatever. Is that where people put cilantro? bite tastes like soap. Some people love it. They like it in the fuck. Yeah, as a garnish. Or whatever.

Is that where people put cilantro? I have no idea. A little lip bite is fine with me. Yeah, I don't mind the little lip bite. I'm not into the like, this is going to leave a mark kind of thing. Yeah, I don't want- You don't need to bleed. I don't want danger.

I don't want to think danger when I'm not thinking danger. Right. Then you've got to put on your danger chain. Right. It's a whole different experience. That's in the fucking foyer. I'm not in the foyer right now. I'm in a den where I make out.

I'm wearing this make out chain. Yeah, wear my make out chain. I thought you knew. It looks like Liliani's grill. It's all sorts of fun little colors. Yeah. Come on. Yeah.

The anticipation leading up to it is is and the payoff yeah yeah it's all the nerves melting away did you guys have that on your list i 100% did i had something similar yeah did you think that i was gonna say that i thought you were gonna i have a thing on the list that i thought you were gonna say but similar but not quite exactly well very i wasn. I wasn't, I wasn't going to take it first. No. I also kind of thought I wouldn't get it because, because I thought it might get taken because this room was full of

sweethearts. But now you're going second. Oh shit. I am going second. Shit. Yeah. Who's the, what's the Kevin Durant of this draft?

God. Ooh. The first kiss is Greg Oden. Yeah. I both like and hate that. It's got knee injuries. Cause I'm the, I'm the CL Supersonics.

Okay. Do you draft for need or just for best talent left on the board? I mean, we're starting from scratch right now, so we'll just pick best talent on the board. Okay. Here's the best feeling. My first pick, when a police officer is following

you and either maybe you've had two drinks. You're not drunk, but the breathalyzer might say otherwise. Or just like maybe you're riding a little bit dirty. You've got some tickets you haven't paid off. Maybe your registration's expired. Got some weed in your pocket. You got some weed in your pocket.

You got a gun. There's a body in the trunk. Whatever. However it is you ride dirty and the cops behind you they hit their lights but then speed off around you oh yeah i have that verbatim that but then riding dirty yeah oh my god he does yeah yeah that is the bet that is the best feeling it feels so like it feels like all like you don't you're not gonna poop but you feel like you're not going to poop, but you feel like you're loose to poop. Right.

Also, watch out for those loose to poop shirts coming soon. LTP. The first AFV merchandise. It just says loose to poop with a two. Like boys to men. It's better to watch them speed around you than it is to just peel off. Because there's sometimes when you drive fast and you feel like the cop's going to pull out and around you than it is to just like peel off because there's sometimes when you like you drive fast you feel like the cop's gonna like pull out and pull you over yes and he doesn't or if you're like or if he's following you and he

turns away the but it's like the the height of seeing the lights and being like fuck right and then like having them it's a little it's a little bit similar to the first kiss thing where there's all this tension yeah but it's like a little it's negative and then you're like oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and then they leave the drive past them on the freeway doesn't give me as much satisfaction because i'm never i'm never quite convinced they're not going to pull me over even as even as you get home it's a slow it's a real slow tension you know when you're like going 80 on the freeway and like it's too late you've seen that cop yeah you're like tucked in you're like fuck yeah and then there's

no huge tension slow down my car doesn't go faster than 65 and every single time i pass a cop on the freeway i'm like fuck you couldn't get me right do you drive a rickshaw i drive it's like a two my car's from 2000 it's an old toyota tacoma it doesn't go past 65 i mean no it starts to shake if it goes up up around 70 oh yeah and like I like it I like driving slow but there's it just you can't shake that feeling of just passing a cop on the freeway you think they're gonna pull you over it never goes away it's like back to school commercials still bum me out even though

I'm not going back to school and live in LA where it's summer all the time still bums me out I'm like fuck I gotta get some pencils I do like office equipment I have stress dreams about going back to school. Like, I don't know where my science class is. Right.

I haven't been to a science class in 12 years. You're wandering around and it's too late. I had a bad dream the other night where I was headlining a comedy show and the first two comics went up. And then I was like, all right, came out. I was like, give it up for the first two comics. And people stood up and clapped and then all walked out. And then I had to spend the rest of the dream running around being like, the show's not over yet.

I'm still going to go up. And then it turned into a movie theater. And then I punched a wall. And then I woke up. Kind of grumpy for about a half hour after that. Was that a cider dream? It was not a cider dream. Okay.

We were in Healdsburg and David was having cider dreams. I had a bunch of weird cider dreams. Yeah. What's a cider dream? You drank a bunch of cider. You drank off cider. Yeah, I drank a bunch of weird cider dreams. Yeah. What's a cider dream? You drank a bunch of cider. Yeah, I drank a bunch of cider, which I'm not used to. Got all Rip Van Winkle'd.

Slept for 41 years. Yeah, and then I was having these dreams where I couldn't communicate right with people. I can't even remember the specifics, but I was talking to them, but they weren't listening to what I was saying. It was very frustrating. Yeah, yeah. You didn't exist to them. Yeah, I didn't even remember the specifics, but I was talking to them, but they weren't listening to what I was saying. It was very frustrating. Yeah, yeah.

You didn't exist to them. Yeah, I didn't exist to them. That was a crazy house we were staying in, too. There were these three dogs who just fought for hours. Whoa. I forgot about that. They were dog fighting, but aggressive. I mean, people weren't throwing money down, but these dogs were going at each other.

Yeah. Fighting for free. At one point, the lady who lived there was playing the piano beautifully while the dogs were fighting at each other. Yeah. And then at one point, the lady who lived there was like playing the piano beautifully while the dogs were fighting. It was trippy. Yeah, it was a weird. That's some shit that would happen in a movie where you're like,

maybe Tom Cruise is a good actor. Yeah, because this is so beautiful. Yeah, because this is beautiful. Yeah, that was great. One of the dog's moves was to sit on the other dogs. He was a face sitter. He would like nip at the other dog. Like an older brother. Yeah, and he was to sit on the other dogs he was a face he was he would like nip at the older brother yeah and you just sit on him and he was the biggest dog yeah it was they

were big dogs too i want that to be known these were like put that out there they were fighting when you're thinking of these dogs these were big fucking this isn't like a nicole richie no pull it out of your pocket joint this is like fucking big dog this was like this is run with this is on the t-shirt. They put these dogs on the t-shirt. The rock might be able to hold one of them. Maybe.

Maybe. Not hold it down. No, definitely not hold it down. Hold it up. It's rigged. Fire it. Big fucking dog. Yeah, no, I got it.

I heard it within the first two words. Big dog. Hey, it's a big dog. The cop's speeding past you. That's more of a... So I feel like these are going to tend to be either joy, the kissing a big dog. The cop's speeding past you. That's more of a real... So I feel like these are going to tend to be either joy, the kissing, or relief. Or relief.

Avoiding the terrible thing or having the great. I think it's all about release. Because even the kiss to me is like, there's tension and then the kiss is the release. It's the release. And this thing, there's like the cop, you think he's pulling you over to tension and release. And then release again. I mean, I don't know about you guys.

I'm into triumph. That's what... Triumph. That's what... You're not into the boring ones? Mine are mostly petty. Winning an argument, getting the last word. Yelling the last...

Let's find out what your first pick is and see how petty it is, because David, you are now on the clock. So this is, like, all mine today. They're just going to be really specific. That's where it's at. I'm going to paint a picture for you okay it's 2013 yep you're an up-and-coming stand-up comic you're not quite good yet but you got some potential you're dating this girl her name is ali brown sure uh probably should have changed the name uh we can play until the light yeah we can believe it her name is rihanna yeah her name is rihanna. Yeah, her name is Rihanna.

Not the one you're thinking of. No, no, a different one. Yeah. Rihanna Brown. She lives four blocks away from the house. Was that a good decision? Who knows? That's not the point right now.

Yeah, yeah. You guys, you just came home from Virginia. All the shows were bad. Yeah. Every show you did in Virginia was bad. You didn't really make any money. You're kind of like, what am I doing? I still live on a couch.

You come home. You're home, baby. You're back in the city you live in. You're like, let's go to our bar, our local bar that everybody in the neighborhood goes to. You go to the bar, and maybe you've been on a plane all day. You smell kind of bad. You're kind of dank, but you're like, it doesn't matter.

My friends are alcoholics. These are my bar friends. And it's a wednesday night nothing's cracking off anyways you go to the bar you go in there it's you and a bunch of losers in there that's fine not a big deal then your fun beautiful friend jane cup not your fun beautiful friend jack come yeah not jack rihanna rihanna rihanna blue your friend rihanna blue comes and you're talking you're like oh it's so funny rihanna's here such a good soul you're such a nice young lady it's so great to see you yeah and then you go outside to smoke some weed because you can do that on the street here then enters rihanna brown oh wait oh so rihanna blue is a different girl rihanna blue

is your friend who just showed up okay great she, great. She's not even supposed to be there. She has opinions on her. She's not even on the radar. Yeah. Way too good to be there. You go outside. Now Rihanna Brown, who you had been dating, comes up with this stupid fur coat that she thought was so cool.

Got it. And she comes up with a dude. But you're out there naked. You don't have anybody. Yeah. And you kind of smell bad. And you're smoking weed. And she's like, this is my loser ex-boyfriend, basically. Because what are you doing? You're out here smoking weed. Fuck kind of smell bad and you're smoking weed and she's like this is my loser ex

boyfriend basically because what are you doing you're out here smoking weed you smell bad you're like i'm a loser yeah she introduced you to this fuck he's got a six-pack and a vest so you're like now you're like fuck this does he have a shirt on he has a shirt on okay no undershirt it's way too open yeah and he's talking about game of thrones but it just came out, so it's still for nerds. Oh, yeah. And you're like, oh, this is lame. I feel like a loser. I kind of smell bad. She's like, everybody's sort of laughing at you, right? You're the butt of the joke.

You're the butt of the joke. Yeah. Then Rihanna Blue comes out, beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, artsy, seductive looking Rihanna Blue comes out. Too good for this world. Too good for this world. Too good for this world, let alone Rihanna Brown in fucking vest fucker. In her fucking fur coat. Way too good.

She comes out, hits your weed, says, let's go to another bar down the street. I'm having a fun time. I want to hang out, but it smells like puke in here. Oh. You guys go to another bar. Vest and brown go in the puke bar One of the best I've ever felt That's a dope feeling

One of the best feelings I've ever had Absolutely She came and said let me save you from this ugly Dirty world You don't belong here Deus ex machina Das machina And change your fucking fate

It was the best. It was the coolest I've ever. And then I got to be like, kind of like, later, nerd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you fucking like glided out. I feel like your feet didn't even touch the ground. And she went in. She went in wearing a fur coat with a dude in a vest.

They had to be that couple. A fur coat really takes on the environment you wear it in. Yeah. If you're wearing a fur coat in a pukey dive bar. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. That's a puke coat. It's a puke coat.

If you're wearing it at the opera, you know what I mean? Do what you need to do. And you're with vest guy now. Vest guy. You're with Game of Thrones season one vest guy. I don't like that guy. Nobody likes that guy. That's a weird six pack.

It's a bad six pack. And it was like, I could tell he was a douche bag, but he had me beat on the streets. Yeah. Because I'm out here kind of smelling bad, smoking weed by myself, looking like a real loser because Rihanna Blue's inside. Right. She came out. I don't even know if she knew she was saving me.

Did you ever tell her? What? Did you ever tell her? Yeah, when we got to the next bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, you know what you just did? Saved my fucking life. You won't spool the story for her.

But that was a real feeling of triumph. Did fur coat ever hit you up after that again? Yeah, we hooked up once a month for the next year. I could have seen that coming. Yeah, very Torrid. Yeah. Very Torrid. Very Torrid.

Anyway, mine's eating a burrito. And then I'll just go to the next one, collecting the coin. You couldn't find the coin, and you found the coin. Back to David. All right, it's 2009 this time. Same bar. This time it doesn't smell like puke. Game of Thrones isn't even heard of.

I don't even know how to write that one down but I'm gonna just write Triumph over an ex-lover because just like when you're the cool one it's like living well is the best revenge but you got like instantaneous living well but I'm not actually living well

but I got all the appearances of living well you're Mario and you grab the star for a second I grab the star and she just happened to come out. The star just happened to come out. It's going to wear off at 540 Club down the street. But that's perfect. That's as far as it needed to get.

That's all you needed. Triumphing over an ex-lover. That's been the best thing about just succeeding in stand-up. Oh, man. When she sees you, when she likes that. Oh, I'm on Conan. And then she's got to heart it? Yep.

She got to heart it? Oh, come on, man. then she's got it she's gotta heart it yep she gotta heart it oh come on man she has to heart it she has the best guy hearts it too she could have been in that green room that's my biggest fan it was he always liked you it was never his fault yeah he's a good guy he's a good guy he just had a best and wanted to get laid the you know uh yeah she could have been in that green room with you eating that free popcorn, but she blew it. She could have. She could have.

You could have been sucking down free cranberry juice. Great free popcorn when you do Conan, by the way. Oh, really? Oof. That's true. It's from Chicago. It's a three-flavor blend. How are you in Encino this morning and here at 11?

Was that like an 8.30 a.m. appointment? I'm making moves. It was, yeah. He texted me at 8 to come do this. Wow. Yeah. Early. Yeah.

Good man. I was up at 5 a.m. No. Reading the Quran. Praying towards Mecca, whatever. Just casually, like on the toilet. Instead of a far side gallery, you picked up the Quran. Still the evil Muslim music playing in the background but you're just taking a shit oh wow yeah uh yeah triumphing over an ex-lover one of the good one of the best lyrics of the last

year and a half of music chance the rapper on ultra light beam uh you know that i was the dude was lost my ex looking back or you know my ex looking back like a pillar of salt that one i love that line that's cool also when he says i hope you get the paper cuts oh yeah that action brought yeah that song is awesome baby blue uh triumph over an ex-lover amazing pick lover solid solid it's time for your first and then your second pick as it is yeah i got some esoteric ones but i think i want to start with the ones that might get taken so my first pick which is very genuine okay uh but maybe a little basic is when your team wins at the buzzer oh yeah like i've never felt that is so you purely distilled I've never felt instantly. That is so you, purely distilled. I've never, in real life, I don't know if this is normal or just me, I'm never nervous

and then instantly excited, joyful, like jumping up and down as when your team wins at the buzzer. Not like for that. Like that's a zero to a like. Yeah. Like when does that happen? Like I've seen friends after a while, but I know that I'm going to see them. You know you're going to see them.

Yeah. and like I've seen friends after a while but I know that I'm going to see them you know you're going to see them and like I felt happy but I've never like gone from nervous to really excited in less than a second it's like an instant relation when they're tied and they win at the buzzer down to and win on a three yeah and it's weird because you don't know these guys

and they are not from your city so it really shouldn't matter. They're just wearing a shirt. Yeah, but it says where you were from on it. Right. It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't at all. It feels so good.

I'm a huge, I mean, you know me, I'm a huge proponent of sports mattering and being meaningful. Right. And that whole argument that it's just like a bunch of people wearing the same dirty laundry from different places. That doesn't really hold up because it's not so much – but you love the players and you love that. But it's also – I mean you're a Laker fan. Being a Laker fan unites you. L.A. is a huge city. You're from Encino.

You might have nothing in common with somebody who grew up in like East L.A. or like Beverly Hills or whatever. Other than you're all united through this thing you share, which is rooting for the Lakers. It's fandom. It's fandom. It's like real community. It's great. And when that triumphs and you can just hug these people and it's just pure energy, that

shit is real. It's like being in a gang. I like being in a gang. Yeah. That's why I like liking sports. It feels cool to be in a big gang sometimes. Right. And we hang out together.

And then when the Giants won, and I don't even like the Giants go Rockies. But when the Giants won, it was the only time I've been able to just walk through the streets and just hug men. It's fucking dope. Just hug dudes. For a baseball team. Yeah, for a baseball team. It's not even cool.

Right. It was a cool sport. Like basketball. Yeah. The coolest sport. I was at the game when Damian Lillard hit that three-pointer with.9 seconds left. That had to be over the Rockets. How great was it?

Over the Rockets. That was the number one, right? That's one of the best moments of my life. Right. I should have picked it. Yeah. What did I choose? Fucking a policeman not arresting me?

Fucking a police cop beating away? God. Oh, shit. I chose not being arrested. Boy, I really fucked up. But that's the number one buzzer beater in Blazer history. In Blazer history. It was, I mean, yeah.

But the fact that you were there. It was, I was there. I was seven rows back. That's insane. From like the basket. That was a series winning. Is that the only way I have the picture of you? Series winning.

Yeah. And you were like, I was fucking wasted. Yeah, I was hammered. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And you were drunk for that? I wasted. Yeah, I was hammered. Oh, yeah. And you were drunk for that? I was drunk. I was wearing a suit.

That's like the best feelings times 10. I was with a crazy girl who I was kind of dating. Oh, this is the best day of your life. And they put my name up on the Jumbotron with Ian Carmel, comedian. There's no way. Oh, God. There's no better feeling. In the whole arena.

Do you want that pick? Why didn't you just pick all of those? Or is that Chelsea late when you said this? I should have picked that one exact experience. Let's re-record. This is your pick. Look, I was at the accountant this morning. I didn't have time to really get my head in again.

I was at Encino talking numbers. Yeah. Figuring out what I can write off. Yeah. Which, not those tickets to the game. No, that's, you just paid for that. It is great. What have been some of the, I guess the Lakers, that Derek Fisher buzzer beater.

Oh, yeah, the.4. I think that might have been the craziest. Which you couldn't even do anymore. I do remember the play before that. It was like Tim Duncan leaning over a shack 20 feet. Because it was the agony of defeat. You never go from negative to positive 100 that quickly. That quick.

In real life. That was dizzying. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Yeah, it's usually more gradual. I do remember that Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan. Remember Space Jam where he went impossibly long? Oh, yeah, and his arm went.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim Duncan just extended out. Yeah, the.4 was great. And I was debating whether it should be like your team winning a championship, but even that is more gradual. Like your team can sort of run away with a championship. Yes. I know you're from Portland, so you don't know what that means, but imagine.

Portland Timbers won the MLS Cup at some point. That's right. Never mind. They triumphed over one of the other teams, and they won it. One of the other teams with a made-up sounding name. Yeah. The LA Galaxy. I think it was the Columbus Crew or something like that.

Seattle Sounders. All the MLS teams do sound like an unlicensed video game. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what... Remember those video games that were just handheld and you only played until the batteries died? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what they all sound like. They really do, yeah. They're just one, two, you just hit a single or a double. There's not even triples in home runs. Yeah, I had a game that was just lights. It wasn't even anything. It was like you press a button and the light Yeah, I had a game that was just lights. It wasn't even anything. It was like you press a button and the light would move

like a light bright up the board. It'd make a real unpleasant noise. Yeah. We've come a long way. But I chose team winning at the buzzer because your team doesn't need to be a champion

for this to be the case. That's true. Look, you experienced that. Who knows what happened in the next series? They lost to the Spurs or something. They lost to the Spurs.

But it didn't matter. It didn't matter. didn't matter it felt so good in fact at that point you're playing with house money yeah you're like go fucking lose weren't they also like underdogs in that series they were what was your highest sports fandom maybe buzzer beater moment

does it count in games that I played no that doesn't count Does it count in games that I played? No. That doesn't count. Yes. You can't be athletic. Don't take that away from me. I'm trying to think.

Buzzer beater? All my teams are really good. Like when they won, they were like, I mean, I guess the Sonics, that series. But that wasn't like a buzzer beater, and we lost. We also got beat, yeah, by the eight versus one seed. Yeah, that was like one of those exciting sports, like basketball moment. But I mean, yeah, the Broncos, when they won, you kind of saw it coming, the back-to-backs. Oh, not the one over Carolina, though, but that wasn't really a buzzer beater.

That wasn't a buzzer beater. Like, the Avs first championship. I don't really have amazing football. Did it ever happen in a game you were in? In a game that I was in? Yeah. Yeah, playoffs. Us versus Palisade in football junior year of high school.

And you won at the last second? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That must have felt amazing. Shout out to Steve Reed. New Year high school is like. And you won at the last second? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, that must have felt amazing. Shout out to Steve Reed.

Fucking, it was like we were down three, but we were, it was just a bullshit pass, like a pass 80, which was like our Hail Mary. Yeah. And he just fucking ran it down. God. Shout out to Tony Weber for throwing it. Sophomore quarterback didn't believe in him. What?

Wow. Didn't think he could do it. He did it. What is he doing now? Tony, I think he has a bunch of kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He conceived them all that night. That's probably a good feeling, too.

He doesn't know anything about it. He was more of a pitcher, but he was better at baseball. Evidently, he was pitching, dude. Hey! Throwing strikes. Yeah, right into the ovum. That was a good... I think I almost cried.

Ovum. Wow. Egg. I cried after the last game senior year. Yeah, that was the ovum. That was a good, I think I almost cried. Ovum. Wow. Egg. I cried after the last game senior year. Yeah, me too. Me and Colin McMahon just sat next to the field and wept. Man. Because we knew we were never going to throw another set of pads.

Yeah, what a bad feeling that was. Bad feeling. That's for a different draft. That's for a different draft. Yeah. God, I don't want to be on that one. Tender kiss we shared after crying. That's the next. That's the next.

That's the next pick. Amir, it is a serpentine draft, but it's time for your second pick. So this is the one that I thought Jake was going to use, and it's sort of in the same vein, but it's when a crush texts you or reaches out in some way, like seeing her name on your phone. Yes. If you texted her and she texts back, it's a little less exciting if she reaches out unprovoked. Like you get an Instagram DM or you get a Facebook message from someone that you thought you hit it off with. You don't know how to reach out.

It's like a little microburst. Yeah. I was talking about the whole damn thing. Yeah, you were talking about the end of that story. You like the oak tree. He likes the seed getting planted. But like when you feel your phone vibrate and then you look and it's that person's name. Oh, man.

It is so – the Instagram DM, I always think it's an accident. Yeah. I'm like, what? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a long time, I didn't even know you could get Instagram DMs. Right. And I had to go back and check and there were like all these messages from people.

I was like, oh, shit. You didn't accept – you had to accept them or whatever? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I had my cell oh shit. You didn't accept, you had to accept them or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I had my cell phone jacked up. Yeah. Yeah. Took, taking myself out of all sorts of games.

Yeah. Couldn't even win them at the buzzer. I wasn't even playing. I'm so sorry to hear. That is an amazing feeling. That is a good feeling. Just looked at it and you, even when you got the phone number.

Yeah. When they text you and you see it there. Oh yeah. Yeah. Before you even put a name in. Right. Exactly they text you and you see it. Oh, yeah. Before you even put a name in. Right. Exactly. That number.

You're like, fuck, yeah. I like that. It makes you smile. Like, you could be anywhere and you're still going to smile. Right. And now you're just that weirdo smiling by himself, like, on the bus, like, oh, yeah. You don't even want to, like, open it yet because it still says it on your lock screen. I know.

You're like, I'm just going to put it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little present. You don't want to open it yet. Or you, like, put your phone away and you hear it vib know. You're like, I'm just going to put it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little present. You don't want to open it yet. Or you put your phone away and you hear it vibrate, and you're like, I hope that's them. Yeah, and it is. And it is.

And then it's your friend Nate. And you're like, oh, fuck. Fucking lose my number, Nate. It's just like Sean Jordan. Like, hey, Playboy, you want to go to the mall? Yeah. Or the fridge stopped working. What do we do?

Not even some. Because if it's the mall I'm like well alright yeah of course I want to go to the mall I need a new chain I need a what if my fridge stops working chain yeah dude that's a bad chain at what point do you put the number in your phone under a name ooh

you gotta you know maybe like after the first date cause I don't want to to have this person's name I don't want to have to delete it I put the name in right away I just like the cleanliness You have like hundreds of people on your phone That you'll never text again

Oh definitely Every once in a while I'll go through like a purge But like if I search Tinder and my contacts There's like 50 people Do you ever get like drunk and try to rehash old decisions? I used to get drunk and make new decisions that were pretty bad. Sure. Just Facebook message random people that I liked.

Who's active? Yeah. Yo, I did that. I was in Vegas with my buddy Nick. We went to NBA Summer League. And we went there for a Sunday-Monday. Because that's one of the games we wanted to see. Worst time to random Facebook.

I was hammered on a Monday night. We went to Topgolf and I got super drunk and I was like sending out like thirst messages on a Monday night. Wow, that's tough. Eight o'clock. That's not a good look. Friday's girls are prepared for that every now and then, right? But Monday at eight and I'm like clearly drunk. When you're drunk, you can't imagine anyone else being sober.

You're like, everyone else is wasted and horny, right? Oh, they'll love to get this little tax from me. This is going to be exciting for them. Fucking disasters. They're just getting out of sitting. Right, exactly. You up. Yeah, it's 7.42.

You send like the smiley face blowing the kiss. Yeah. Which is so aggressive. God, that's aggro. So aggro. Even on a Friday, that's kind of walking right up to the line. Yeah, it's really like you're not holding anything back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what's the worst emoji to send to someone who you don't have it locked down with? Is that weird huggy one? You know that smiling one with the hands? Oh, my God. That thing is creepy. It's so creepy. That's creepy. Only person who should be able to send that to anyone is someone's mom to their kid who they love.

And their mom can't be that social media savvy. It's an emoji a mother could love. No, she can't regularly emoji. She's trying to reach up to you. Right, like St. Sue Carmel is a little too well acquainted with texting to even send that one. It might have to be a St. Kelly Jordan. Yeah, exactly. If your mom texts BRB,

then she can't do the weird hug thing. She can't do the weird hug thing. But if she does LOL, still okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she might mean lots of love. We should draft an emoji sometime. I think the cutest one, the sweetest one, is the smiley face with the little red cheeks.

Oh, that is a very sweet one. That and theqi flag i like brings me back to your quran on the toilet this is a strange theme that i didn't see coming i've been going through some pretty serious changes uh all right next picks i gotta get more oh yeah david boring it's time for your second pick my next pick hard to explain but All right, next picks. I got to get more. Oh, yeah. David Borey. It's time for your second pick. My next pick, hard to explain, but it's just I feel really good. And this has been a long time because I haven't driven in a while.

But driving alone in a car at night, listening to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, the part where she says, you'll find work and I'll get promoted and we'll move out of the shelter man that's a good feeling I feel good right now I feel like the endorphins kind of release just like saying that part that's good it's like natural

you know Tracy Chapman was 18 years old when she wrote that song of course she was it was just like man how old was she when she recorded it? Because she's always had the voice of a 38-year-old woman who's been through some shit. I believe she was 18. She was 18?

That's crazy. I've repeated this fact for a long time, and I never verified it, but I believe she was an 18-year-old freshman at BU. Really? Yes. What? Boston University? That's just my guess.

The title makes it sound like it was written by a six-year-old, so I don't fully... I have a fast car. We could drive out of the city. Yeah, I guess. Or not. It doesn't matter. Go to bed. Every car is fast.

Jesus. Fast car compared to what? Walking. That is a great moment. Any driving around with the windows down. Just like at night. Like loud. Like you're just feeling whatever that song is.

Yeah, late summer. Yeah. Oh, man. It smells like late summer. I did that the other day with Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

And there's certain parts of the song that, for whatever reason, you just love the most. Be my little baby. I don't think I drive around listening to music enough. I'm too stressed out about the state of the world, and I listen to podcasts all the time. See, that's just going to make you more stressed out. I totally lost the feeling of just driving around listening to fucking music. You got to listen to music, man.

I weirdly went the other way when the world started turning. I stopped listening to those podcasts. I stopped watching real time with Bill Maher. I just don't want to hear people lamenting it and not doing anything. No, it's true. I'm in the thick of it.

I can read the news and draw what conclusions I need to draw from from my multiple news sources. Take me home tonight. Yeah, you're right. Take me home tonight. Yeah. I rolled up listening to Do-Rag vs. Headband off the new Action Bronson album.

Yes! It's fantastic. It's fantastic. You got to listen to music. And that feeling just by yourself. It's like a resolution. And I also, was she in a shelter? I don't know if that was.

If she was at BU. I don't think she was in a shelter. Right? I think that song might be total bullshit. Stolen Valor. Which is crazy. It's Stolen Valor. Stolen Valor.

That sounds like a Grisham novel. Tracy Chapman. Gone are the days of the acoustic guitar playing black lady. Yeah, she's not around anymore. Yeah, Tracy Chapman, Michelle Indigelico. I think it's because they aren't annoying and won't do it at parties, and they don't get the live performance practice that they used to. Right, right, and no chops.

Yeah, that's why white dudes are playing acoustic forever, dude. Right, because they're not afraid they are not afraid to whip it out at a party that is privilege and that's my best feeling white privilege uh oh i thought you meant playing banana pancakes on the acoustic i wish i could play acoustic guitar do you no probably not I wish I could play acoustic guitar. Do you? No. Probably not. Only in one very specific circumstance, which is camping, sitting around a campfire.

Oh, that's fun. And then whipping out the acoustic guitar and then doing the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, the beginning? Tuning it a little bit. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You know why? Because that's all potential. Yeah. It's like you're a baby and you can do anything.

Once you start playing, then you're locked in and we're like, oh, this is... It'd be real fun to sit around a campfire and then just tune a guitar for like three, four minutes and then just put it away. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And then anyway. And then you break the guitar.

Throw it into the fire. Into the fire. It really has to be a finely tuned guitar that we burn. We want to play spades. Fast car. Amazing pick. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by schedule 35.

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Windows down. You're driving a different song. Yeah, yeah. Windows down. You're driving around. Twilight. Yeah. Blink-182s. And it's Sepultura. Okay. I'm picking for my second pick, when you finally take that first bite of a breakfast burrito

in the morning. Wow. After getting completely hammered the night before. Wow. And you're all like bleary, you know? Did you see the food truck that's out there right now? No. Right in front of Blue Bottle is the rooster truck, which is the best breakfast burrito

I think I've ever had. Really? They put tater tots in the burrito. I like that. It's so fucking good. I like that. Sonic used to do that too. Is it a sausage or a bacon breakfast burrito? Bacon. It's bacon? Yeah. Bacon, egg. We should just tell them to go get us breakfast burritos? Bacon. It's bacon? Yeah. Bacon, egg. We should just tell them to go get us breakfast burritos. Right, yeah.

That's a really good idea. Joan? Joan, would you be a deer and grab us four breakfast burritos? All right, cool. Thanks. Is there a Joan? No, not yet, but we can figure something out. Well, I have a Joan.

Yeah. Yeah. I love a... you know who's got weirdly a good breakfast burrito is arrow one which is this crazy oh yeah like supernatural supernatural health food store like grocery store it's like if every it's like a super whole foods do you have to drive to get it no well it depends it's right by my work okay so the exact moment i'm thinking of yeah driving when i'm hung'm hungover is almost as bad as driving drunk. I'm so fucking fuzzy.

So out of it. It's crazy. Yeah. It's a bad feeling. I feel like an inhuman when I'm hungover. After the office Christmas party this year. So I got way too drunk at the office Christmas party. And I had to sleep on the couch in the writer's room for a few hours.

Nice. Yeah, it was pretty great. So I crashed on the couch for a few hours. Nice. Yeah, it was pretty great. So I crashed on the couch for a couple of, well, what happened was we were sitting around waiting for the actual party to start and I postmated some liquor, which I just found out you could do. Wow. Yeah. So then we were drinking liquor and then I was like, oh, I have to go to the show for

Anthony Jeselnik because he wanted me to go do my 12 minute shack joke. And I went and did it. And, uh, but I blacked out kind of in the middle of telling the joke because I'd forgotten to eat dinner and then went back to the office Christmas party walked from whatever that theater is to all the way back to CBS and then drank more at the office Christmas party because everyone was delighted with how drunk I was wow oh passed out on the couch woke up at like 5 a.m and then like went and got one of those or 6 a.m went got one of those breakfast burritos and it was the best feeling oh especially you were sleeping on

a couch yeah also shout out to people being delighted with how drunk you are yeah i understand what you mean everybody just loves it they love it right did you see ian he's super drunk he was hammered and then they use their little mask on I wish people thought that nobody ever thinks it's charming when I get shit faced oh you gotta be fat dude well you gotta have something about you can be short or you can be fat you gotta be like Irish short and fat

they all have drinking problems I'm like normal height and weight and I do it too often for anybody with this new mustache people might start getting into it oh that's good I'll start like twirling it when I get mine I do it too often for anybody. With his new mustache, people might start getting into it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's good. I should start twirling it when I get mine.

It looks fun. And you might have beer in it sometimes when you're really drunk. Yeah. That guy loves it. People are going to ask you to light a cigarette with a lit cigarette. Oh. With this mustache. All right.

I could definitely see that. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. All right. First breakfast burrito of the morning. Jake, it is time for your second and then third pick. First breakfast burrito of the morning jake it is time for your second and then third pick first breakfast burrito shit you had multiple burritos but this is just your

first one i mean i like that too because you're still like you're if you're waking up at five it's still like you might be a little bit buzzed to hang around and like completely all right so here's the my second pick when you are in, I'm going to say middle school, early high school, you wake up and you're miserable. You don't want to go to school. And then you realize that it's Saturday. Oh, the sleep in. Yes. That still happens as an adult when you're like, oh, should I have to be somewhere?

Like, wait a minute. I don't. And you can get an extra full sleep cycle. Yes. You can sleep for another four hours if you want. But I don't hate anything as an adult as much as I hated school. Right. So you're saying specifically you hated school so much.

Finding out that you don't have to go to school is like- Ooh, that is a good- I guess for any reason. Especially in high school. Did y'all's high school start at 745? 730. 755. I had to be at school at 7.25.

7.25? In high school. Now I don't feel bad at all about mine. I was getting an extra 20 minutes of sleep. Yeah, like when you wake up and your parents are dead and you're like, I don't have to go to school. Yeah, ever again. When I was in sixth grade, our gym teacher died before school one day and school was

canceled. And I was a little sad, but also it was so great. Yeah. Now, forgive me for being callous, but is that a reason to cancel the whole school day? I'm not an apparent. He hung himself in the auditorium. Sorry, it was a murder-suicide, too. He killed four other teachers teachers he was one of the 9-11 hijackers it wasn't that the school shut it down the fbi kind of shut the yeah it was also a weird day

in general there's a lot going on yeah the way you sold it was very weird you really buried the lead uh that was one of the best feet. Why would they send high school kids to school? That's when you need sleep the most in your life. It seems so inconvenient just the times that school is. So it's like two hours before your parents probably need to go to work and then it ends two to three hours before they get home. Right.

Which is where you get in the most trouble. Right. The school is basically giving you time to finger each other and smoke weed. That's like what it is. Right. Which is where you get in the most trouble. Right. The school's basically giving you time to finger each other and smoke weed. That's what it is. I smoked weed so many days right after school got out until 5.30 when my mom pulled up. Maybe it was a traffic

thing. They don't want work and school to both be 9 to 5. It's too much. That's a good point. I would love to study the reasons that school is the times that it is. Well, they use the same school buses for grade school, middle school, and high school, right? But they're just on different – Oh, yeah.

That's why they stagger. That's definitely one thing. Right. Is that why high school is the earliest? Yeah. High school is the earliest. But they could really make grade school the earliest. I don't know.

Yeah. Kids are – like a preschooler, that kid's up at like 4 a.m. anyway. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I don't – I didn't even go to school. You know what I didn't have? West Coast.

I never had snow days. A lot of people East Coast are like, the best is a snow day. We never lost school because of weather. Do you guys have the super... Well, actually, you're from Denver, right? You had to make them up, though. Oh, yeah. At a certain point, yeah, you start making them up.

But also, in a place like Colorado, don't they just like, don't give a fuck about a snow day. It has to snow like 12 inches. It has to snow a lot, man. In Connecticut, we would get like an inch of snow and everybody's like, all right, we're fucked. We can't do anything. Oregon, it would snow so little and you'd be off. What? Wait.

Well, Oregon makes more sense to me than Connecticut. Yeah, they should be prepared. I don't know. Wait, well, Oregon makes more sense to me than Connecticut. Yeah, they should be prepared. I don't know. I think it's because the streets in my town were kind of narrow and small and windy. Oh, yeah.

Dangerous Curves. Dangerous Curves. Which is another nickname. Both David and I. That's the first album. Dangerous Curves, dude. In Portland, they just won't use salt on the roads because it damages the salmon habitats. Oh. Interesting.

Also, because it's not good habitats oh yeah so like it's not good for you it's not good for you yeah it is really bad that salt road thing um yeah so they would just like one inch of snow and they would like cancel everything oh man yeah i'm so lucky i remember like watching a snow delay turn into a cancellation oh that's that's a really great feeling that really is the fucking best would you it would happen enough that you would wake up on Saturday kind of in that bleary panic where you're like, oh shit, I gotta get ready for school. Oh yeah.

And then it sets in. And then all of a sudden that song, All Right by Supergrass starts playing in your head. We are young. Even though it didn't come out yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That song has always existed. For me, I loved high school so much that when I woke up on Saturday, I was bummed.

I didn't get to see my friends. I didn't get to excel. Oh, I bet. Is that true? Not entirely, but not entirely not true. I enjoyed high school, but I really enjoyed not going. Once I got there, I was like, okay, dope. No, I liked it.

I liked it. Because all my friends went to that school. We would use our school sometimes just as a meeting point and then leave. Yeah, especially like senior year. It was just a jump off point so we could figure out what time we were going to that school. We would use our school sometimes just as a meeting point and then leave. Yeah. Especially like senior year. It was just a jump off point so we could figure out what time we were going to go bowling.

I had a pickup truck senior year and I remember we showed up at school. Yes, of course you did. That's awesome. Big black Ford F-150. Oh, dope.

Where is it now? My dad sold it because I called my stepmom a bitch. Severe punishment. Yeah, it was. You must have really liked her. It was. Yeah, they're still together. You were still a bitch. Severe punishment. Yeah, it was. You must have really liked her. It was.

Yeah. They're still together. She's still a bitch. You must have been a hard B, too. We were in Hawaii. Anyway. I was up front. And then I had two friends in the cab.

And we're pulling out. So we met up at the school. We're like, do you guys want to just go get breakfast? And we're like, yeah. So we were pulling out of the high school up at the school. We're like, do you guys want to just go get breakfast? And we're like, yeah. So we're pulling out of the high school. And my friend Walter was crossing the street. And my friend just leaned out of the, rolled the window down, leaned out. He's like, Walter, jump in.

And without any question, he's like, all right. And then jumped in the back of the truck. Yes. And he didn't know what was up until we were at IHOP. Yes. And he was like, did something happen? Like, no, we're just going to get breakfast. Another great feeling is pulling up to IHOP.

Yeah, that is another great feeling. Yeah. Walter, good for him. Good for Walter. Became a Republican, but a good dude. Still down for anything, though. Still down for anything. More fiscally than anything else.

He was more fiscal. Yeah, he was the one saving half of his pancake for later. That's awesome, yeah. Realizing a Saturday, Jake, great pick. What is your third pick? Realizing a Sunday. Back to back, baby. Pick number three is actually very apropos right now.

Good word. When you have to piss really, really, really bad and you're waiting outside of a public restroom and and you get in just in time, and you can pee. Because you have to pee right now. I have to pee really bad. Do you want to leave, and then we can talk about it? No, I want to be here for the reception of the pitch. That is an amazing feeling.

I have a very small bladder. Like, on an airplane, I'll pee six to seven times, and're one of those guys. And that's on a 40-minute flight. I never understand those people who – I'm always like, can you just cut it off and let us all be comfortable for this hour and a half? You got a big bladder? On a road trip, I got to pull over every 20 minutes. You piss in a bottle? I wake up twice to pee.

I pee in a bottle on the road. Really? I sometimes pee in a bottle behind the stage before a show. Yeah. Or in the green room before a show. Some kid had to pee in a Sobe bottle on the bus to Pocatello, Idaho for football camp. It was gross. That's a good size. At least it's a Sobe, though. Yeah. Or in the green room before a show. Some kid had to pee in a Sobe bottle on the bus to Pocatello, Idaho for a football camp. It was gross.

That's a good size. At least it's a Sobe, though. Yeah. I've had to do that on a road trip and then had to, like, dump out a Gatorade bottle so I could piss again. Like it had Gatorade in it.

You doubled down? No, I, like, piss in the Gatorade bottle, dump it out, piss again. I will fill it up like the fucking... I wake up, piss,

brush my teeth, and pee before I leave for work I pee two or three times before I leave are doctors just like you have a small bladder or have you just I could maybe do

something about it but like I don't want to I don't want to make a whole thing I don't want to have to start taking it really defines me so I didn't change

that about myself I feel like you have to start taking like a pill or something every day I think it's clean blood though I drink a lot of water yeah yeah it's probably really good for you that is a good thing

that is an amazing feeling also just making it yeah having to pee and then that's another sweet sweet relief yeah i call it sweet salvation every single time i do it in my head sweet salvation you peed in the gatorade bottle but then you kept it in the car because you knew maybe you were gonna have to pee later yeah i still i drive with a gatorade bottle underneath my seat in my truck you can pee while driving i can pee while going well i can only go 65 but i do i do not have to slow down to pee. Dang. That's impressive. I'm a pro at peeing. That's a crazy life. Maybe we can all do it. We just haven't tried. If my penis is out, I'm so shook that I don't think I could.

I'm not in a car. I don't think I can switch lanes. Let alone pee. The hard part is you don't want to keep the bottle parallel with your dick. You got to have it perfectly. You got to get a little stance like this. The real hard part is making sure nobody in a car as tall as you can see your penis. Right.

Oh, that's also a tree next to a semi truck. Also not just standing up on the gas. You're not standing up on the gas. There's a lot to consider. Yeah. Wow. You don't want to fill it? Although I guess if it's a small bladder, that's not as...

If it's a Gatorade bottle, it usually doesn't get... Ever taken a shit? Same situation? I got to slow down to a cool 35. If I'm going to shit into the Gatorade bottle, it's got to be going under 30. If it's shit, it's an Entenmann's box. You shove a squeeze it up your ass.

And then you throw it out, but you save the Entenmann's box because you got to do it again. Opening a box of Entenmann's cookies. No spoilers. All right, now I am going to go pee now. It's going to do it again. Opening a box of Entenmann's cookies. No spoilers. All right. Now I am going to go pee now. Yeah.

I feel really good. Just building on that, we'll just keep talking until he comes back. Sure. When was the last time you guys pissed yourself? Oh, Conan. Conan? Who actually pissed yourself? Full piss?

Oh, later in the night. Yeah, and then I just got so drunk that I peed the bed. Yeah, I've done that. Oh, I haven't peed the bed. I've peed myself, though. Twice. Twice as an adult. It happens, man.

Because you're so wasted. You're so tired. The first time I wasn't drunk at all. It was kind of a. It was crazy. It was one of these, you know, like a freak occurrence where I was just like driving home from helium, which wasn't even that far. Yeah.

Maybe like a 10 minute drive, five minute drive. And like, for some reason, something came over me where I was like, you have to piss right now. Yeah.

Right now. And I like pulled my car over into like a store's parking lot. And I'm like, I'm just going to go pee here. And I didn't make it. I just pissed myself. And I was like,

fuck. I had that. I had a similar one time. It's crazy. I can't explain it's never happened again never happened before because i'm hitting the rolodex now and i realize i've peed my pants a lot of times as an adult yeah but one time i was in san francisco and i was coming to my house and it's probably like one o'clock in the morning and i was on the train and it was just

right by my house yeah like we were like a stop away from my house and i was like okay i'll just pee i'll just get off the train and run home and pee. Got off the train, and by run home, I mean it's like a half a block. I got off the train. I just get to the corner, and I think I jostled too much from running, and I just couldn't. I just had to pee. So I peed in my pants like 100 feet from my door, if that. Do you at least want to piss on the sidewalk or something?

I thought that when it happened, I couldn't even get my wiener out. It was that instant. It was that. I just had waited too long. That's what happened with me. You ever have a dream piss? Yeah, you shook the dice too long. I have not.

A dream piss that turns into a real piss and then wakes you up? No. That used to happen. I'm just like, ah, I really have to pee. All right, here we go. I'm at a bathroom now. I'm like, oh, shit, I'm not. I'm asleep. I'm asleep. I'm just like, ah, I really have to pee. All right, here we go. I'm at a bathroom now. And I'm like, oh shit, I'm not. I'm asleep, I'm asleep, I'm asleep.

All right, I'm good, I'm good. I used to do that all the time, but I would never actually pee. I would just have these dreams about like being in the bathroom. Like you took care of it, back to sleep with you. And then I would wake up still having to pee. I had a half-baked invention idea

where a mattress allowed you to pee without having to get up out of bed. Oh, I like that. How does it, do it... Is there any other thought other than just the gram? A hole in the mattress. A hole. I'm talking about my pee mattress idea. Yeah. So you don't have to get up to pee. So you just roll over,

you find the hole. Stick your dick in the hole, you're sleeping and pissing at the same time. I can't roll back over. When you empty the bedpan that you invented? Yeah. You're fully awake, it won't matter at that point. Sure. How many ounces are we talking... How many peas can this thing hold? is a slippery it's a water bed so you just that is smart thinking and it's half a fleshlight too because it's like you're fucking the bed right right right right and it's nice and warm that's a toasty bed yeah you're jizzing you're puking

you're pissing yourself it's all going into the mattress all over the mattress see this al gore would love this this is about thinking for the future. Yeah, this is it. This is a convenient truth. The second time I pissed myself, I was at Casa Diablo, which is the vegan strip club in Portland, Oregon. Of course. And I was there with my friend Jordan Kasner, who now lives in Minneapolis. Shout out to Jordan Kasner.

And we were both in town. We were like, let's go to the strip club for old time's sake and we went there we were having a great time i got to go use the bathroom i was hammered so drunk and i went in there and then just like was peeing and it just started hitting like my shirt which was untucked kind of thing like it was really i was wearing like a really long t-shirt were you first question are you a are you a hands-on, hands-off guy? This one, I was hands-on. And it was still hitting the shirt.

I was so drunk that my aim was completely off. I understand. And then it bounced onto my pants, and I was like... I have to leave right now. I can't go back and tell him. I lost a hat that night. Oh, man. I lost a stack of money and a hat. I lost a hat that night. Oh, man. I lost a stack of money and a hat.

What about a bad feeling? A stack of money. A stack of money that was like, you know, you said at the, anyway. You just ghosted the whole situation, didn't even text him. For some reason, I thought that was, I was like, I can't text him. Have you talked to him since? I talked to him like an hour later. No.

Not since that night. I want him to listen to this podcast and finally realize what happened. Yeah, because I wasn't like, sorry, dude, I peed myself. Oh, man. No, I have to pee, but I kind of want to hear your next pick. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, that's right. It's time for me.

If I ask Marty if he's going to get breakfast burritos to get me one, do you guys want one or do you guys not want one? I just had a sandwich. So you don't need one. I don't need one, but thank you. I'm good, but I do appreciate the sentiment. Marissa? All right. I'll see if that can happen.

There's a burrito run going. I mean, if that's happening, actually, I want in. Yeah, David does. You do want it. It's a really good burrito. Maybe you, Ian? I'm so full. All right. I can't.

I'm trying to be a healthier guy. What kind of sandwich was it? It was decent. It was like a white cheddar. There was sort of a white cheddar. There was a jalapeno aspect to it. Oh, you got it over at the wheelhouse. Over at the wheelhouse.

Can I hear your pick before I leave? It's really good when they add turkey. Yeah. I want to hear your pick before I leave. Okay. So my pick is when you go to cancel plans you have with somebody and you're like, later on, I'm going to cancel these plans. Yeah. But they reach out to you first and cancel.

Oh, I love it. So they cancel on you before you had to cancel on them. All the reward, none of the guilt. All the reward, none of the guilt. And you can even kind of like leverage it for further gains down the road. Like you canceled on me. So now we're doing this meeting in my neck of the woods instead. Especially when you knew that you were going to cancel the whole day. Why do you do that i don't know just like i'm going to cancel

it and i'll send that text i always do this thing where i'm like all right it's 245 i should cancel it i'll cancel it at 3 15 i'm wondering if it's is it an la thing to cancel or is it a an adult thing to cancel i don't know i think it's an adult thing because i never did it till i got down here yeah i think you it's a lot flakier we're flaky flaky biscuits down here yeah we are like i feel like i feel like you can't you because i notice it when i go home sometimes i'll do it and people are a lot shittier about it yeah they're like oh well okay fine yeah yeah people are kind of like yeahier about it. Yeah. They're like, Oh wow. Okay, fine.

Yeah. Yeah. People are kind of like, yeah, okay. I was gonna, I had four things I could have done. Cool.

I figured you were going to cancel on me anyway. Yeah. The other good feeling about that is when you cancel or when somebody cancels on you and you didn't want to do anything and then there's no followup, like let's do next week instead. Or let's just like, I can't make it just,

Hey, we canceled and this will probably never happen. Just yeah. Oh, I love that. Wide will probably never happen. Just flee. Yeah. That's great. Wide open seas. Open road. Yes. Oh, man.

I hate plants. I hate plants, too. I don't know why. I like doing stuff, but I hate an hour before I'm doing it. Yeah. And I just want it to organically happen. Like, you know how sometimes I'll go to your house, and then we'll hang out, and then we'll be like, hey, let's go to wherever.

The Roost. Yeah, and then we go. Those are, that's what I like. I don't like, hey, person that I don't know that well, let's hang out in a week. We should get a curfew. On Thursday at 8, we're going to be. Oh, God, dude. That's not how we live our lives.

I hate that. No, not me. I'm a free spirit. In LA, it might be worse because it takes an hour to get everywhere too so like when you factor in doing something you have to add in like the time it takes to get there and like getting drinks always feels like in la even if it's not it feels like there's some sort of like business at hand like something's supposed to come of a of a even a hangout like at some point you're gonna be like so what's up right what do you got yeah how can we partner on something strategically god i hate those when you thought you were gonna hang out with somebody and then it

was just that they're like pitch oh yeah for a new podcast and they're like dude don't do that to me yeah i fucking put on socks for this yeah you could have texted me right socks i just got a bunch of girl socks kind of into it say what i got the no show yeah i love it i think they're girls they're like yeah do they look like this you can't even it's no even lower lower than this even lower that's a low sock baby it's low and it's like for anybody listening it's just a little it's a thimble on my big toe yeah it's like it's a baby, that's what it looks like. They got a little sheen and they come on the cardboard box. I ordered like 12 of them

on Amazon and I'm not mad at it. Are you wearing them right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the maxes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's sheer. Does that ever hurt you? Like the tight rubber band at the top digs into my foot a little bit. Not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, these are the first time i've worn these air maxes so they're kind of

uncomfortable those are great maxes though thank you for those listening yeah yeah kind of similar to my but now older nike these are i forget the name already those are the air prestos i think yeah there we go air presto all blue nike over here'll blue everything uh so yeah getting canceled on when you were going to cancel on someone i like that i like that that's just that was on my list was it on your list yeah mine too it's just fucking it's just a good ass feeling you just feel free man then it's almost like that time that you get back you can do whatever you want with you don't but you're like i could yeah yeah i could do Well, that's when I'll do the most. Doing nothing after plans get canceled on me feels the best. That's what I'm saying.

By nothing, I've been getting stoned and playing video games. Yeah. That's when I'm doing that. I'm like, I don't feel guilty at all. Yeah. I don't even feel bad. Right. This is like, this is, yeah.

You're playing with house money again. David Borey, it's time for your third pick. My third pick, kind of weird weird but i think we can all agree a hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek that was quick it just feels so good yeah always and it's like a lot of times it's done from like a maternal figure and that's great yeah like i think about like uh you're like cooking food or something. Your mom comes up, gives you a hug from behind, a kiss on the cheek. Or from a lady that you love, a hug from behind.

Do you imagine the arms around your waist or around your shoulders? Around the neck, kind of. Neck and chest. Oh, yeah. Kind of like an actual hug and then a dig in. Someone turning themselves into a cape. Yes. On you.

Yes. And then kind of like a dig in to the side of the face. Or like kind of like Lil Uzi Vert's backpack. Yes. Yeah. Up under the arms. Up under there. And then like kind of like a nuzzle.

And then an afterthought. Like a hesitation. And then a mwah. And then like a walk away. Yeah. What if you turn around and it's your enemy? Oh. Well played.

Well played. I thought it was mother. Ludicrous? Yeah. Who let you in? Yeah. How did you find me? Ludicrous?

How did you know I'd love this feeling? Ludicrous. Kiss ludicrous bridges. Yeah. Ludicrous me on my cheek. Made me feel like a kid again. Little kiss bridges. It is hot up here. You know the problem, though, is that back hug can also go real bad.

Well, yeah. If it's like a dude you don't know or something,'re like hey guy get out of here i don't mind if a dude i know back hugs me but if it's like somebody i don't know very or just anybody i don't know very well then i don't like it yeah i gave you a little one of those when you came in today that wasn't bad though that wasn't i'm talking i've like been in a bar stool and some dude will come and just like up the sides of your belly no no get out of your shirt you gotta push it down yeah i do not want hands on the sides of my belly not ever really not even i don't even want a girl i like hands on the side not really really unless it's like on the front and then that's kind of like it can't be i'll say it can't be first contact it can't be first contact maybe It can't be first contact. Maybe later on. She has to earn that.

She has to earn that. You got to earn that second. Yeah. But if a woman you love is hand on the side of the belly, you don't need another bourbon. That's nice. That is. That's nice. I hate when people tell me I don't need another bourbon.

It's always true, and that's why I hate it so much. It's always true. It's always true. God, when I was in Toronto last time, I cut myself off at a bar, and the bartender was like very impressed with me, and that was kind of a good feeling. That is good. She was like, wow. Somebody was like, hey, Ian, can I buy you a drink?

And I was like, I think I've had enough. Wow. And she was like, wow, look at you. And I got blackout drunk the next night. But I earned that. I earned that, yeah. But that night you earned that. You should feel good.

Yeah. But that, no, that hugging and kiss from behind that night you earned that it should feel good yeah but that no that hugging and kissing from behind it's just it's always so nice I like I like doing a back hug

like at the wedding we were at a me and Sean and Zach Toscani and Shane were at a wedding for Anthony Lopez up in Portland

and I was delivering some back hugs to some people I hadn't seen in a while I'm not saying it's a real love a real love back hug real love back hug. That's a real love.

A back hug is great. And then like seeing the person turn around to like see who it is. And then they light up. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Then they have that second where they're just comfortable wearing you as a backpack. Yeah. They just put their hands on the hang on it.

And then you can just talk to whoever. Yeah. It's so much love in the back hug. So much love. Friendship, camaraderie. So much love. Great pick. Amir, it'sie. So much love. Great pick. Amir, it's time

for your third pick. All right, I'm trying to think what pairs well. I'm trying to build a great team over here. Yeah. So this is what I'm going to do.

Third pick, the flight to a bachelor party. Oh. Oh, that is good. An exciting flight. Because you don don't realize you're not faced with like what the actual debauchery is yeah you're just all potential it's just the potential at that point especially if you meet one friend at the airport and you know you're going to meet

other friends at the destination that's filled with good feelings because like if on a bachelor party like as you're picking people up yeah you see somebody on the plane, somebody else has rented a car, they pick you up, you go back to the house that people rented. Collecting friends. On the way there, I feel like there's that potential to do shit that you know your crew's not going to do. We might get in a fight. We might get in an old bar fight.

You're also not sick or anything yet. You're feeling kind of healthy. It's all rising action yeah it's just the potential I've never flown to a bachelor party but I've flown to Vegas

where like kind of in the same thing yeah like to comedy festivals yeah oh the flight to a comedy fest yeah I feel like

it's a pretty comparable feeling yeah an exciting flight is basically that's what I wrote down an exciting flight is really fun maybe get a couple drinks on the plane

yeah you be somebody else with a flight attendant basically. That's what I wrote down. An exciting flight is really fun. Maybe get a couple drinks on the plane. Yeah. You be somebody else with a flight attendant. The flight to Vegas is great. Not the real me but I'm just like how about a couple of scotches for me and the fellas.

Talk like that. To Vegas or to like New Orleans like everyone is having that flight. So you're not like a scumbag for me. That's a good point.

Especially like yeah Vegas or New Orleans everybody on there. It's a party flight. I've seen dudes, I've flown from like here to Vegas, like LA to Vegas, and I've just seen dudes straight up roll up in just like a suit and they're kind of sweaty on it. Right, or they're already wearing a bathing suit. Yeah. They're just like right here.

The Burbank to Vegas, because Burbank, LAX to Vegas, that's like kind of last minute kind of thing. But like Burbank to Vegas, those Burbank, LAX to Vegas, that's like kind of last minute kind of event. But like Burbank to Vegas, those are party animals. Yeah. There are people getting already hammered. Yeah. Like showing up to the airport hammered, drinking more on the plane. I love a good Burbank slide.

Passed out by the time they're in their hotel. Big fan. Big fan. Somehow down $200 too. Yeah. Yeah. You haven't lost money yet. Do you know how to play Boo-ray on the plane?

Do you know how to play Boo-ray? No, but I know the basketball players play Boo-ray. I love that shit. I kind of want to learn. Do you know how to play Boo-Ray on the plane? Do you know how to play Boo-Ray? No, but I know the basketball players play Boo-Ray. I love that shit. I kind of want to learn. Do you know how to play Boo-Ray? No, but I tweeted. I didn't tweet. I texted my friend.

I'm like, we should just learn how to play Boo-Ray. Is that a card game? You run into Charles Barkley somewhere. All of a sudden, you have something in common. It's like what basketball players play on flights. I have no idea. It's like what Mello was playing with Jimmy Butler and all these guys. It's a card game?

Yeah. Boo-Ray. Boo-Ray. Not Blue-Ray. Boo-Ray. I have no idea. It's like what Mello was playing with Jimmy Butler and all these guys. It's a card game? Yeah. Bure. Bure. Not Blu-ray. Bure. I thought you guys were saying Blu-ray. So it's not like something you can play in Vegas. It's just like.

Yeah. It's not a known card game. The only people I ever know playing it are NBA basketball players. Yeah. The Dream Team. Bure. That's like probably. Michael Jordan woke up out of a fever dream in Atlantic City and came up with this game.

When Michael Jordan is blackout drunk, that's what he calls Charles Barkley. That's what he calls Blue Edwards. Yeah, an exciting flight is good. It's just full of potential. Anything can happen. That's a very good pick. I'm pretty upset. Which brings me to my next choice, which is sort of the yin to that yang.

I'm a good pick and I'm pretty upset. Which brings me to my next choice, which is sort of the yin to that yang. Oh. Fourth best feeling in the world is not being hungover anymore. Oh. So the moment where you're like, all right, I don't feel bad. I don't feel nauseous. I don't feel drunk.

Like now I can rally. Because when you're hungover, or I shouldn't say you, when I'm hungover, I can't imagine drinking that night. I can't do back-to-backs very well. But when that feeling goes away, then you're like, all right, great. I just got another life. Now I can go out again. Around 6, 6.15 p.m. I'm never like, all right, I'm not hungover,

and now I'm 100%. Let's do it. Yeah. It's more of like a tepid good feeling. You get to like a 7. I think I'm okay. You get to a workable space. Can I stand up yeah okay

i'm not nauseous not being nauseous anymore like not being like boat sick not being air sick not being car sick anymore like oh yeah when you when that feeling starts going away there's a great feeling it is no longer thin yeah yeah god those thin spits when we were driving when we were driving back from the wedding uh on sund, because it was at the Oregon Coast, one of the passengers in the car, we had to stop for them to puke. And then she just started puking out of the window. You didn't even stop anymore. It was gnarly.

It's always one of those things like, maybe I could have stopped. Yeah. Tell me. That's what I was like. I was like, oh, let me know. I'll pull over and you can puke. Did that person. I'm hitting the side of my car. Did they feel a bit good by the end of the ride or no? was like. I was like, oh, let me know. I'll pull over and you can puke. Yeah. It's hitting the side of my car.

Did they feel a bit good by the end of the ride or no? They did. I think they did. I think they experienced that good feeling. And like being able to eat again for the first time. Yes. Like sometimes you're too even drunk to have that breakfast burrito you were talking about. Yeah.

Or too hungover. I've just wanted – I've just gone from flat surface to flat surface. Yeah. And at no point could I have – Postmates really changed the game. They really did. They really did. But there was a period where I was like, how am I, I can't even go to my car

to go to McDonald's. Yeah, it just feels. Even that feels too excessive. Yeah, how am I going to even get the crap in me? Too drunk to go to McDonald's. That's not a good place. That's one of the bad feelings.

So that's my third and fourth is sort of opposite ends of are great yeah yeah not feeling bad anymore and then also feeling the night before the night and the afternoon after yeah yeah uh david boyd it's time for your fourth pick i have similar it goes along with what you just said i like when you do the puke and rally yeah like the night of, the puke. Wow. That night, you're so drunk and it's over for you. You're finished. You're not on the board anymore.

And then you stumble into the bathroom and you're just like, I'm just going to. And then you just puke it out and then. I don't even feel better. It's like somebody gave you a heart attack. It is. It's like in Pulp Fiction. You get the adrenaline in your heart. Yeah, you got that shot of love. The rally is never as good as you think it is, but you in your head, you're like, I'm

such a clever motherfucker. They don't even know I was in there puking everywhere. And now I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you, lady. I called an Uber. They're outside. I'm not going out there. No.

He's calling me. It's not my life anymore. What are you guys talking about? Politics? I'm sober enough to talk about it. What about calling me. Whatever. I mean, what are you guys talking about? Politics? Yeah. I'm sober enough to talk about it. What about Michael Dukakis? What are your thoughts on him?

Yeah. Where are my Pelosi heads at? Who's sober? Pelosi heads. That is a good. Sometimes it's just an allocation of room, too. So if you've gotten drunk on beer. Yeah, too much beer can do it.

And you're all just like thick and fucking sudsy. Yeah, just like way down. I can't drink beer for that reason. Yeah. But I love the feeling of puking. It doesn't even matter if it's the next day. Is that drunk? Puking up booze specifically.

Oh, it's cleansing. It feels like you're healing yourself. Get out the poison. Yeah, it feels so good. Like, yeah, get it all out at once. Get out the poison. And then just like that feeling of standing up. Because you're never, I don't think anyone is ever glorious after a rally.

No. But you think that. But you're glorious to yourself. Yes. Which is ever glorious after a rally. No. But you think that. It's a bit, you're glorious to yourself. Yes. Which is all you really need at that point. Yeah. People didn't know how bad you were. Right.

It's all relative. Very seldom are you going to go home with someone and then I will be puked and rallied. Never that. Yeah. Very seldom. I mean, the triumph is the rally. Is the rally. Right.

That you didn't have to be carried out of a bar. I threw up and now i can walk it's like walking off the field without without getting everybody's clapping it's like standing up out of a wheelchair it's a minor miracle they know his career is over but at least he walked up i did that one last wave to the yeah he's okay folks take your hat off for the kids and a classy display from the fans at other FK

at a high school party once I did it was towards the end of the night I took a shot of tequila and then puked it right back into the like almost not even

in a gross way just like it went down and then it went right back up into the shot and I poured it out and I was like alright I'm at capacity

alright I'm at capacity yeah club's full yeah thank you when you're a kid you don't even know that's it for me gentlemen yeah shot and I poured it out and I was like, all right. I'm at capacity. All right. I'm at capacity. Yeah. Club's full. Yeah. Thank you. When you're a kid, you don't even know. Yeah.

You just put it in the tank till it like. Right. Like as an adult, you can see the tank filling up and be like, I'm about there. Sometimes you're pouring diesel into like a Tesla tank too. You just want to drive. Yeah. The puke on the puke and rally. The puke and the puke and rally. The puke and the puke and rally.

I really like that feeling. That's a good pick. Especially because I don't have it as much anymore. Like, I know how to drink, so it doesn't like... Yeah, I think one of my favorite memories from college is a friend's 21st birthday. And four of us all took a shot of Jägermeister. And at the same exact time, ran outside and threw up in the woods. All of us together. A puke oath was made that day.

It was beautiful. Bile Brothers. It's thicker than blood. Vomit is thicker than blood. Technically, yeah. Jäger is thicker than blood. That's true. That's for sure.

I haven't had Jäger in a while. Or Rumpelmust. That was the last time. You don't need than blood. That's true. That's for sure. I haven't had Jaeger in a while. Or Rumpelmintz. That was the last time. Yeah. You don't need it. I don't even. Tonight. Yeah.

Jaeger doesn't even come up in my thought. I've never even. Doesn't exist to me. I never even thought about it. It's like vodka cough syrup. You don't need it. You don't need it. It doesn't.

Is it as alcoholic as vodka? I think it's more. Oh, really? I think that's the whole point of it. Is it made out of like elderberries and juniper seeds or something? It's so like syrupy to me. It's so thick and black. Yeah.

It's for kids. Yeah. For sure. It is. Take a shot of whiskey. Like, man. Yeah. Anyway, what do you got?

You just went to a dark place. Shut up. Thinking about the last time I drank agar. With my fourth pick. All right. Okay. I'm going to take it. Getting stoned after going to the gym oh yeah i don't know if

i've ever done that endorphin double endorphin so getting stoned so that when i get stoned before the gym i still love it but there's a little bit of guilt associated with it you know i'm like fuck and i'm just gonna be sitting here for the next three four hours you know five six seven hours probably gonna eat chicken wings and then also indian food three four hours you know five six seven hours probably gonna eat chicken wings and then also indian food later yeah like you know i'm just gonna be like a bump on the log and i enjoy that but there's a little bit of guilt but if you go to the gym you get those gym endorphins and then you smoke weed anything's in play because you've earned it but then also like your body like the things that were tired like then feel good you know

see smoking weed when you earned it is the best feeling, period. Yes. If you feel like you earned it, oh gosh. Because I smoked a lot of unearned weed. So much. Shout out to this morning. Yeah. More stolen valor.

Yeah. See, stolen valor for sure. No, that makes sense. That's perfect. But you remember that? Remember like, did you play sports growing up? Not ones where you had to work that hard. I played that makes sense. That's perfect. But you remember that? Remember, like, did you play sports growing up? Not ones where you had to work that hard. I played tennis and running.

Tennis and running. You play basketball and stuff? Golden Eye and Tetris. Golden Eye and Tetris. Tetris and inventing piss beds. But you remember that, like, after football feeling where, like, you were, like, super kind of sore but, like, in a good way? Yeah, and then you get high in somebody's truck on the way home yeah

it ruled and it's just you like you go home eat that second dinner I've never combined those two feelings like I know how good it feels to be done with a tough workout and how good it feels to like be stoned but not so good oh yeah you stack those two they're so good I've never done it our boy Zach Toscani gets stoned

and then goes to the gym. And he's the most in shape person I know. He looks like he's cut from wood. Yeah. How does he do that? He's a thick cut of corned beef. Yeah. That's crazy.

That would not work for me. But I so rarely get high that when I do, I'm just comatose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just boxing right out. I understand that. I'm not exercising. I'm not lifting weights. Apparently it makes being on a treadmill easier because you just don't give a fuck about anything.

Yeah, you start to reach like forever mode or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know when time ceases to exist. Rather than a lion becomes a plane. The treadmill's not moving. You're just standing on it. Yeah.

For hours. You're actually at home in front of the fridge. You're like, this treadmill's fast. It's cold, too. But yeah, smoking weed after the gym, amazing feeling. It is. It's stacking two dope feelings. Jake, it's time for your fourth and then final pick.

Wow. Yeah. All right. I've got, okay. Pulling away for a road trip. Oh. It's a similar vibe to the airport thing. Yeah, the potential of a joyous thing.

But just like being well-packed, open road ahead of you. Yeah, I can see for miles and miles. Yeah. Nothing but adventure and like pissing into a Gatorade bottle. 24 Gatorade bottles. You, a load in the car,

the rest of the car full of things to pee into. Instantly hit traffic. Milk cartons, coffee tins. I'm leaving at 4.43 on a Friday afternoon. Takes me an hour and a half to get to Glendale. Driving from LA to Vegas. Oh God, that's a bad one. I've already shit in a donut box.

Spotify account freaking out for some reason. I have a headache from staring into the setting sun. Changing from Mexican radio station to Mexico radio station. Da da dee da da da dee da. No, that is an amazing feeling. Having the car all packed, you got a couple buds. It's a crisp morning.

Oh yeah, crisp morning. Love when it's a crisp morning. You got the cooler, but you still need to buy the ice and the beer. Wait, you're drinking beers on the road trip? Well, once we get to the destination. Oh, okay like whoa yeah road sodas yeah actually when i was i think i can admit this now when i went to iceland i drove the ring road with uh my friend and my brother oh yeah uh which is like the road that goes around the entire island of iceland and we drank 30 beers in like 24 hours yeah just completely trashed on the

road while driving yeah oh yeah i mean who was this day away nobody nobody was on the road there was nobody there i'm but it was insanely dangerous yeah what do you mean is it like a thin road is that why it was dangerous yeah like we had never traveled there before there's seemingly like geysers and lava and snow and sleet everywhere. We're going 90 miles per hour. There's all these cliffs and fjords. Why were you driving so fast? That was my brother.

He was sort of a jackass. I was- I thought you were going to say like daredevil or like a guy who likes to push it to the end. I got huevos. No, no. He's just a piece of shit. Brother's kind of an asshole.

That's probably a beautiful drive, huh? It was beautiful. Is it amazing? Yeah, it's really stunning. 30 beers between the three of you? Yeah, between the three of us. Oh, that's crazy. They're not too bad.

Nothing insane. Me and Ian could crush 30 by sundown. Yeah. We should do it together. Rolling rocks? All right, yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. A rolling rock, like a light beer?

Oh, man. I love it. I started drinking light beers recently. It's great. I forget if we talked about this on the podcast but this is a revelation where i just started drinking ipas because i thought you were supposed to yeah because like they're more expensive and i'm like yeah i drink i'm an ipa guy fuck ipas man oh man every now and then i'll have one but like no i want a lighter

beer i drink natty light i don't give a fuck i don't need that it tastes like lacroix come at me i don't even look like a fog yeah you're drinking fucking fog yeah i don't need that shit i want to drink a hundred bud lights i don't want to drink four racer fives the hobby tastes like dirt yeah you gotta pretend you like you and a bunch of other people wearing active fleece have to pretend you like it yeah you gotta talk about where you fucking winter wearing a hat with a dog on it from the brewery. I love fucking North Face and Ballast Point, though. Like just a Patagonia and a Hop Nosh. That's what I'm writing. That's a whole fucking lifestyle.

I'm making fun of it, but it's me. Maybe now that I live in LA, I think it's corresponding with me living in LA. When I lived in Portland, it'd be like a cold night. Then maybe I want an IPA. Oh, yeah. I definitely like that. Yeah. But I'm a heavy man.

I can't be down here fucking drinking IPAs when it's 80. You got to move light. You got to move light on your feet. And that's what Natty Ice is going to do for you. Yeah, keep me mobile. Yeah, that's what you need. Coronas? No.

Come on. Modellos? Give it to me. Tecate? Yeah, I just need a light I like it to cut I like I like a late night to cut day when you've had like I've had too much whiskey too much everything and then like you know what I'm just gonna sit here at this bar cool down instead of drinking water you still drink beer but a lighter

if you're like at Union Pool trying to pick up somebody at the tail end of the night, you can't be walking around drinking water. Nobody wants to talk to the water guy. No, no, no. That guy's had some episodes. Pulling away for a road trip. Great feeling. Was that your fourth or fifth? Fourth. Maybe you've got a little playlist, too. Yeah, playlist. Maybe you've

snuck on the road again by Willie Nelson. Oh, yeah. Like 10th, 11th. by willie nelson oh yeah like 10th but nobody will notice because they're 10th or 11th still drunk on adventure yeah people are talking over it you're like all right are we gonna listen to the song come on guys yeah i'm gonna pause it go in places oh you picked up like some beef jerky oh jerky on a road trip and then this is my final pick i honestly i don't know which one's better, but I'm just going to say finding out a secret. Yeah, it does feel bad.

And not like surreptitiously, like snooping or anything, but like somebody confides a secret in you. Like a big one? I have to tell you something. Yeah, and you can't tell anyone like an affair or a murder. Yeah. And the second best thing is telling that. Yeah.

Back to back. Well, and then telling a secret, but I'm thinking more like, Hey, I have to tell you, like I hooked up with this person. I shouldn't know.

And like, being able to like, being able to share something that you've been hiding. Yeah. I think receiving a secret is better because you're not feeling guilty or nervous

that it's gonna get out and you're kind of proud oh yeah you're like I'm the guy that you told yep good for me

that is good I am I am trustworthy and I'm only gonna tell one other person I swear to God it's gonna be a dude who doesn't even know

this circle I'm gonna tell a dude outside doesn't even know the circle. I'm going to tell a dude outside of the circle. Are you guys secret keepers? I'm going to tell my grandpa. Do you keep a secret when you find out a secret? Yes, I'm a secret keeper. Yeah, I'm pretty good. I'm still sitting on gay dudes from high school.

Wow. Never told anybody. I got secrets rattling around up here. Yeah, I wonder. I think I'm about 50-50. I'll tell someone and say he can't tell anybody i think it depends on what it is though it depends on the secret it definitely depends on how severe the secret is there's some secrets that are funny that i have to tell yeah

and it's more like comical than damaging you know yeah i've had some secrets where it's just like i don't want to relive that moment either yeah yeah somebody told you about something you're like oh yeah yeah they're definitely just don't tell anybody because you don't want to have to talk relive that moment either. Yeah. Like somebody told you about something and you're like, oh, shit. You just don't tell anybody because you don't want to have to talk about that thing. There are secrets that I've kept

that I'm still keeping, yeah. Yeah. So let's just say one. Say one. Okay. What's an example of one secret? Just give us one

of these secrets. All right, sure. So on my deathbed, my grandfather was on my deathbed. We don't know these guys. You don't know this dude, but my friend. I needed a kidney and i ripped it out

of my grandfather who was leading over me uh finding out a secret is is a good feeling i want to talk more about it but it would involve revealing secrets because we all have some great secrets that we're holding and keeping a secret is also that's sort of like a delayed feel good that's just like, hey, I still am. I have honor. Because sometimes it'll come up where you're maybe talking crap about somebody you all know. And then somebody starts going in and you're like, I could tell you something that would make you think this guy's more of a piece of shit. Yeah.

But I'm not gonna. Because he means more to me than that. Right. And you're sitting here in the circle acting like you know somebody. Yeah. Yeah. You're talking all this shit. You don't even know what's going on. When you get new faces at Montreal, you're sitting here in the circle acting like you know somebody yeah yeah you're saying you're talking all this shit you don't even know what's going on when you get jack new faces at montreal you're not supposed to tell anyone oh god did you tell me i told a couple i

told well shane torres friend of the podcast and my roommate at the time we got it the same year we were sitting in the in the in the apartment and and he was like, hey, did you hear anything about Montreal? And I was like, I did, but we're not supposed to tell anyone. Did you? He was like, I did hear something, but we're not supposed to tell anyone. Yes! And then we jumped up and, like, jumped up and down and hugged like schoolboys. Oh, that's so good.

It was the best. Yeah. That's so good. Is that your fifth feeling? Ooh, that could be. Hugging Shane Torres. Hugging Shane Torres. Hugging Shane Torres. Hugging the big cranberry himself.

Can I also say, I don't know if I said this at the top, but shout out to the kid who saw Shane Torres on stage at High Plains Comedy Festival and said, Oh, they let old sampler platter on? Made my weekend. Fuck. God, I should have just not gone to that wedding. That's amazing. All right, so with my fifth pick, now you tell me if this is too similar

to the thinking it's Saturday when you wake up. I think it's a distinctly different feeling. It's waking up natural, thinking, oh shit. Like let's say you have to be up at seven. Waking up natural thinking, fuck, it's definitely seven. Oh, and it's four. Grabbing your phone it's definitely 7. Oh, and it's 4. Grabbing your phone, looking at it. Yeah, and it's like 4.45.

Oh, that happens to me this morning. Finally, I have more time to sleep. You have more time to sleep. It's just the fucking purest, the purest good feeling. Yeah. And you're like, I got two hours, 15. I could fuck off. I could fuck off 15 of these minutes.

Right. And still sleep for two hours. Exactly. I'm going to jerk off. I don 15 of these minutes. Right. And still sleep for two hours. Exactly. I'm going to jerk off. Yes. Yeah. I don't give a shit. Let's pull up some of that early morning Pornhub.

Yeah. The most amazing Pornhub. See what it recommends at 4.45 in the morning. Yeah. That's just, I will manufacture that feeling for myself in two different ways. One, a low budget. One, a high budget way. The low budget way is sometimes if I have to be up at 8 o'clock, I'll set an alarm for six. Oh, a low budget. One, a high budget way. The low budget way is sometimes

if I have to be up at 8 o'clock, I'll set an alarm for 6. Oh, that's faking it. Just wake up, look at it. That's artificial. No, I'm good. Does it still feel as good when you fake the post? Not as good, but it still feels pretty good.

Okay. And the big budget way I'll do it now, which is the thing I need to stop doing. It's just not going to your 8 a.m. It's just not. And that 8 a.m. is a flight. Yeah. Dude, I'm getting bad.

I've missed like, I went from missing no flights ever. I missed like three flights in the last couple months. I missed three flights home from Bridgetown. Oh, on purpose? You just slept there on purpose? Yeah. I missed. I missed a flight.

Dude, I missed a flight in the airport. This is so bad. I missed a flight in the airport on, what's today? Yesterday. Yeah. So the night before, like two nights, Sunday night, I was supposed, my flight was at 1030. PM. And I got to the airport at like 10.

I was just like, I was just not in a good place emotionally. I was like, I don't want to push it for this flight. Yeah. And I just didn't. And it was the Denver airport, which is a headache. Yeah. And I just didn't. So what'd you do?

I just took the early flight in the morning. Crashed at the airport? Oh, you went back? You went to the airport and you came back home? No. That's how fucked everything was. I just sat in the airport all night. It wasn't even.

Oh, it's so. No, I wish I could say it was really bad. Yeah. It wasn't even... I don't know, man. Did you sleep? I was like, no. You get a bite to eat?

No, because it was too late. Everything was closed. What the hell is happening? What do you do? Yeah, from 1 to 7 a.m. I just like... I listen to Burt Kreischer's podcast. Oh, shout out to Burt Kreischer.

Yeah, he loves this podcast. He loves this podcast. We got to have him on. Yeah, that's why why i listened to it and then what else did i do i i walked around a little bit i was in a weird place emotionally i've had some lady drama and oh yeah so then you just i was just kind of like fuzzy i haven't been in that exact place but i've made weird decisions where i'm just in a headspace where i'm like fuck it right just do things that aren't that good for you but it's like fine like i'll suffer through and i knew that like i i mean i thought i was gonna be able to get a flight like at midnight like there was gonna be a red eye i didn't know that 5 30 a.m was gonna be the but i was just

like yeah i was just like yeah nah not for me i love that catching this flight not for me yeah good good and they live your life like that every now and then. It's not bad. It's not that big of a hassle to miss a flight, as much as I thought it was. I used to think it was the end of the world. I would call. I remember missing flights and calling my manager and being like, I don't know what I want to do.

And she's like, just tell me to get you on the next flight. Well, you missed the flight, but what you're going to catch is a lot of credit for your fifth pick, which you're about to make right now. Very good transition. Thank you very much. That was. I like to sneak one in every now and then. All right. So I thought about it.

And this one is like kind of cheesy, but I do like the feeling of just cooking for people I love. I was going to say cooking something you're proud of. Cooking something good, and not with help. Because sometimes I'll have a barbecue, and everybody will come over, and I'm working the grill, but Dulce made the potato salad. Right, right, right. Me making the whole meal. Sometimes if it's just my roommates are over, I'll just make a bunch of food knowing that

they'll want some and stuff. And I just feel really good are over. I'll just make a bunch of food knowing that they'll want some and stuff. Yeah. And I just feel really good cooking for people I like. On the other hand, you cook for people you don't like, it's shitty. Oh, yeah. You cook for like an ungrateful child. And you don't say thank you. Yeah, that's bullshit.

That's how I'm not going to eat my chicken. Somebody says that it's not good. What? I didn't even cook this meal, but I was eating with a friend at the time who cooked a meal for three or four people. Yeah. And somebody said that it needed more peppers or something. Get the fuck out. It's like, fuck you.

Fuck are you? She made chicken fried steak for everybody. You said it wasn't hot enough. You didn't. The audacity of that. Insane. I understand you're at Chili's with your boyfriend. Right.

And you got to talk some shit about the chicken crispers. Sure. Everybody knows you're a foodie. Go ahead. That's only natural. Imagine being like a parent whose job it is to cook for five people every day for 18 years. But at least that kid's your fault. Yeah.

And you can slap it. Yeah, you did that on purpose. You could say you'll eat it or you'll wear it. And then if they don't eat it, you make them wear it. Yeah, you did that on purpose. You could say you'll eat it or you'll wear it. You know, and then if they don't eat it, you like make them wear it. That's good. I also feel I didn't complain about my mom's cooking. Maybe it's because I'm a fat kid. It's just pretty good. Sue Carmel knocked literally

every meal out of the park. It was salmon croquettes. Wow. Stroganoff every now and then. Wow. Cheesy turkey casserole. Whoa. Whatever happened to Stroganoff? The original blue apron over there. The original blue apron, yeah. Screamy shrimp pasta. You can't get a Stroganoff? The original blue apron over there. The original blue apron. Screamy shrimp pasta. You can't get a stroganoff anymore

because of escalating tensions with Russia. They don't even have it at restaurants. Is there a restaurant I could go to? You gotta go to wherever you see the

most Buicks parked out front. Yeah. An Oldsmobile. That's like an old people food. This Buick runs, this LeSabre runs

on stroganoff. Second t-shirt of the day fuck yeah yeah uh cooking for people you love that's amazing i was i was a selfless yeah it's beautiful i love it cooking for people i love cooking for people it's so good i was gonna cook last night my fucking fridge broke damn that sucks cooking for me is is like too stressful i get like worked up and sweaty i've only recently started cooking for my fiancee in the last year. I never cooked. I cook for myself. I used to cook such bad food I would throw up afterwards sometimes.

Oh, no. What? I made pasta with tuna fish, capers, and sriracha. That's bad. Yeah, and I ate the whole thing and I threw up. What were you thinking? Was it good ever? No.

I mean, I was just so hungry. So I was like, I'm going to make pasta. Oh, yeah. And then as I'm making the pasta, I'm like, no, I'm really fucking hungry. I got to put tuna on there. I need some more shit in there. And then I'm like, it can't just be pasta and tuna. Let's do sriracha.

And then like, what's a caper? I should put it on there too. Definitely not. It's salty, so you think it's going to work. If you hadn't done the sriracha, if it was a sort of a pasta, tuna, caper, maybe some sort of cream sauce. Yeah, totally. There's like a way in there.

There is a way in there. You weren't way off. It wasn't a bad idea. The parts didn't move. But I get worked up and stressed when I'm cooking. Are you like calm and cool in the kitchen? You can make shit happen. I just like my brain is off.

I'm just cooking. And then I like that feeling of like presenting it to people and like being like listen i made it you eat eat oh i love that that's cool i love that i love that because it's like because after a while i've spent so much time with it i don't even give a fuck right you know what i mean you've been eating while you're cooking it a little bit yeah yeah and it's like i fucking yeah i put these brussels i season these brussels sprouts and put them in the broiler and like i know what they're like. I don't care.

I love cooking. I'll pour a glass of wine and play some Louis Prima all out. Man. I'm going to have a great time. I can cook somebody a really nice grilled cheese. It can taste good, but everyone knows I didn't work that hard. Right, right, right. You got to have it like –

You want to put some work in. You have rose sauce. Meat, starch, and a vegetable. Yeah. Then you put the work in. You have to have at least the three. That's nice. I'm going to chase that feeling. Yeah, chase that dragon. Paid it for him.

Or you can just order a lot of pad see you. You're a coward, man. I got 10 pad see you's. If you want one. If anybody wants a pad see you, chip me in like 12 on Venmo and we'll call it a day. Oh, so you're charging people on Venmo. Oh, I'm making a profit.

I'm coming up on this. When you order that many pads to use, you get a discount. They don't know that. Making money on a seamless order. That's another good feeling. Oh, Miriam, it's time for your final pick. The final pick of the Good Feelings draft. I know.

This is tough because I have about like 10 leftovers. Maybe we can rattle them off. We'll do a little rattle. But I'll go on that's very personal to me and it's kind of lame, but it's very much so who I am, so I have to pick it. It's when you meet someone and they have the same birthday as you.

Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, like, oh, I'm in January. What about you? 18. I'm fucking January 18. Why does that feel so good? I don't know. It feels like you guys always get literally nothing from me. I hate it. I go the exact otherth. Why does that feel so good? I don't know. It feels like you guys always get literally nothing from me. I hate it. I go the exact other way.

You get jealous. I get jealous. I also don't like meeting other Ians. You're somebody that meets someone and finds out their birthday. That's not on my periphery. When I meet somebody, that question does not come up. For whatever reason, I I love birthdays I love numbers I'm really good with birthdays

like when I meet you and I know it it like attaches like your face and your birthday is attached that's great that's a really good skill to have in pocket one of your birthdays Cinco de Mayo oh yeah I knew that from the holiday draft damn October 9th for me oh that's close to Marty's

and Marty and i knew each other growing up 10 9 8 3 right yeah his is the 8th 14 14 14th oh god that's right no yeah yeah there's hell i knew hell october birthdays growing up really my sister's the fifth i had a cousin who's i have two cousins one was both on the seventh yeah hell october birthdays yeah i only remember my mom's and my little brother's because they're actually exactly a month apart. Oh, yeah. Two years apart. That's good.

Anyway, when I meet another January 18th, it's a very exciting moment. Also, when I meet someone that is August 5th and then Jake is there, I'm like, Jake, you'll never guess when her birthday is. And I'm like, whatever, man. I need another bourbon. You over there with another cigarette. You don't care. You don't need one, Jake. Or if somebody tells you their birthday and it's your mom's birthday too, I always mention that.

You love that. I love matching birthdays. I don't mind saying it's my mom's name. She has a very common – my mom's name is Sarah. You and Batman and Superman. Who listens to this, by the way? Oh, she listens now, right? Yeah, shout out to her.

Shout out to St. Sarah. Shout out to St. Sarah Boyer. The new canonization of St. Sarah Boyer. Yeah, she loves it. Bori solely. Bori solely hyphen yeah but yeah whenever i meet like somebody and they say sarah especially if they say with an h yeah i say oh that's how my mom spells it yeah there you have it that's how my mom spells it it's not her name but that is how my mom she's her name but she doesn't spell it with an h without fail yeah i hate it when I meet if I meet someone

with an October 9th birthday you have to kill them you get the fuck out get off my plane and then I kick them off my plane you know that like paradox of when

there's like 17 people in a room the odds of two of them having the same birthday are like 50% yes really high really

even if like with not a lot of people it's crazy it seems like it comes up more often than you would think yeah for as many days as there are

there are. The only 80 days of the year are people who have been born on. Yeah. And the rest of them, it's just weird. No one's ever had. No one's birthday is August 8th. Right, for example. That's really close to my birthday. There's no 80.

But it's not your birthday. That's close enough. That'd be a weird dystopian future is where babies are pushed off certain days because they're saved for royalty. It's the sequel to Children of Men. Yeah. Oh, man. It's a great fucking movie. Oh, like if the king has the October 30th and then you're like, no one else can be born.

Oh, so all the babies get killed on that day. Whoa. Ooh. That, yeah. But then wouldn't it to make, wouldn't we just have to stop fucking in February? So that's what you would do whatever risk that's valentine's day preemie baby yeah or like force it out earlier yeah hold it in yeah c-section yeah c-section february in general you just can't fucking don't fucking february

so valentine's day craters all of a sudden that sweetheart's candy company goes under this is the you think that's not gonna have have ripple effects? Oh, yeah. The chocolate industry is worldwide. Right. Big Coco is a problem. It's also another nickname. I did find a way to work it back into what my name is. Dangerous Curves Big Coco over here. Oh, man.

Those two being your podcast names are really good. Dangerous Curves and Big Coco. Those two dudes could do anything. Fuck yeah. That's a wrestling tag team. That's the dudes who moved you out of your first apartment. That was Luther Vandross' backup singers? Yeah. It's the dudes who invented

Buffalo Wings. Oh, man. So that concludes the draft. Jake, you let us off first with the first kiss with somebody you actually like. And then waking up thinking you have to go to school and then realizing it's Saturday. Having to pee and then you make it just in time. That's sweet relief. Oh, yeah.

Sweet relief? Sweet relief. Sweet relief. Stolen valor. Pulling away on a road trip. Stolen valor. Pulling away for a road trip. Stolen valor. Pulling away for a road trip and then finding out a secret. I went second and I led it off with a cop turning on their lights and then speeding past you and not pulling you over.

And then first breakfast burrito when you're hungover. Getting canceled on when you were going to cancel on that person. Smoking weed after the gym and then waking up at like 5 a.m. natural thinking it's 7, but then looking at your clock and realizing it's 5 and then going back to sleep for two hours. That is so good. David, you went third. And you picked triumph over an ex-lover. Basically. Hearing Fast Car by Tracy Chapman with the windows down on a night drive

a hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek and then puking when you're drunk and rallying and then cooking for people you love that's a fun night that one night that could happen on a night in that order by the way yeah you went to like a family barbecue

that whole thing could happen I'm gonna work it Amir you went fourth that could happen. Fuck yeah. I'm going to work it. Amir, you went fourth. That could happen tonight. Amir, you went fourth. You picked your team winning at the buzzer, a crush texting you, or get it showing up in your Instagram DMs.

Seeing your crush's name. Seeing your crush's name. She reached out to you. Reaching out to you. An exciting flight was your third pick. Yeah. Like to a bachelor party or to some sort of festival situation. Yeah.

Not being hung over anymore on a night when, well, we can just call it not being hung over anymore. Yeah. When you stop feeling nauseous. Yeah, you stop feeling nauseous. And then the fifth one, you meeting someone and them having the same birthday as you. That's right. Yeah. And we left some good ones on the board.

Oh, yeah. One I was going to pick was wearing new socks for the first time. Oh, new socks. Like a good padded, like a stance one like you were wearing. Yep, yep. Like a nice padded sock I love.

A good sock for sure. New underwear. I was going to pick being naked around someone comfortably. Oh, that is a good feeling. That is like pretty cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one picked sex,

which is kind of fun of us. No. Yeah, I feel like that was- You're talking about how nobody picked orgasm, which I like. Yeah, I like that nobody did. It's so easy. It just doesn't feel that good, right?

Yeah, it's not good. It hurts. Are you telling me? It hurts my penis. Would I rather come or get a hug from behind from a maternal figure? Dealer's choice. Dealer's choice. As long as you have the same birthday as me, I'm coming.

Tell me some other stuff about that night. figure yeah dealer's choice dealer's choice as long as you have the same birthday as me i'm coming tell me some other tell me some other stuff about that night uh stuff that i meant that i didn't get to say song you want to hear comes on the radio naturally oh that is good does that happen as much i feel like spotify fucked that all up well now you can choose that yeah but like as a kid that was the best uh taking off ski boots feels really good. Oh, that is a good feeling. Going into a jacuzzi on a cold day like that. Oh, the cold jacuzzi is cool. The cold jacuzzi is great.

What I almost said was the perfect pop on a bro hug. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Now, what do you mean by that? Are we talking about the first pop? Yeah. And then that is- The pop. Sometimes it's this, and sometimes it's a pop.

But it's like, yeah, the air escapes just right. Yeah. That is good. Just a pop. What about Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Oh, man. Was that a pop. But it's like, yeah, like the air escapes just right. Yeah. That is good. What about like Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Was that a pop? Dude, what? It was like a big, thick grab. Yeah, like a pop.

Two mitts coming together. You leave for the night and your phone's at 100% battery. And you come back and it's only at 99. Because you didn't do anything. You're on airplane mode the entire time. You're really just running out to a Kinko's. That's right. Script out for the next day for an audition you're not ready for.

Oh, man. My last one was a really good fart. Oh, that's good. When you're gurgling, you don't have to keep it in. You're like, I'm good. Like when you're gurgling you don't have to keep it in. You're like, I'm alone. I'm sitting down and it's just like...

Can we get society to a place where you can just fart? Maybe even stepping outside. That's what separates us from the animals. You don't want that. Yeah, but what's...

You don't want us to just be able to... There's nothing dignified about sitting there holding in a fart. No, yeah. Go to the bathroom. I break that seal very quickly.

Yeah, that's true. You really want to be just farting around with your ass? I just mean maybe excuse me I have to go fart and it not being a big issue no because then somebody's gonna smell a trace of it my farts smell like you think they smell

and I don't want to it's the smelliness that's not the sound I threw it out there you were right now I'm reeling it back in oh I was gonna do catching a fish oh catching a fish. Catching a fish is an amazing feeling. It's really good.

Watching your dad beat its brains in. Oh, when it's still alive. Did I tell you all that story? My dad caught a sturgeon. I was like 10 years old. Whoa, those are dinosaur fish. Sturgeon are dinosaur fish. You can only keep them if they're between 3 and 6 feet. This one was about 4 feet. And he pulls it up to the boat after a long fight, puts this huge hook in it, hangs it off the side of the boat, and he's like, these things can breathe for three days out of the

water, so you got to kill them. And then he stabbed it, and then he took a souvenir baseball bat from a Yankees game we had been to together. Oh, like one of the little ones that you hit your cousin with? And just went Joe Pesci on that shit for like two minutes. And I'm sitting there like, huh? There's fish blood everywhere? Jesus.

And he looked at you? Yeah. I can do this to you. Don't you defy me. Yeah, dude. Ivan Carmel just went. And then we ate that fish. It was good as fuck.

Sturgeon is good that's hard to do you catch it from the rocks Ivan and Ian I like that that's cool that's like Game of Thrones-y it is a little bit

you name your kid something that kind of sounds like your name Ian son of Ivan my child will be named either Ian or Anne yeah Ian son of Ivan Ian

Ian son of Ian or Jochen of course of the house Carmel yeah Jochen of course Jochen Ben Yisrael and he is Yisrael

Ben Solomon alright well that concludes the draft that was a great one feel good episode I feel like this is this is what

they tell you to do in therapy it's like write down everything that makes you happy we did we kind of did yeah get it out there in the world

it felt yeah all good feelings make sure you send send us these send us your own drafts of good feelings we love. Get it out there in the world. It felt, yeah. All good feelings. Make sure you send us these. Send us your own drafts of good feelings. We love that on Twitter. Post them in the Reddit.

Hit us all up. And make sure you vote on the poll, which will be on at Ian Carmel. Ooh, anything to plug? Is this going to come out on Thursday? This Thursday. I'm going to be in Cleveland this weekend for the Accidental Comedy Fest. There it is. Be there on purpose, baby.

Be there on purpose, baby. I'm doing Doug Loves Movies at 420 on Saturday, and then I'm headlining on Sunday. Very nice. Jake Amir? Oh, no. Just keep listening to this podcast. Yeah. And other HeadGum podcasts, if you like.

And the HeadGum YouTube channel. Oh, yeah. Explore the HeadGum YouTube channel. Explore the universe. The verse. The Gumbiverse. YouTube-verse. I will be.

Tickets aren't on sale yet, but I've got a big show in Portland coming up. It's going to be happening around the holidays, and there's just a little teaser for it. I like that. Okay. It's going to be real fun. The High Holidays? The Yom Kippur show? It'll be.

It's a Rosh Hashanah show. Very nice. Rosh Hashanah show. Rosh Hashanah show. A Rosh Hashanah show. Probably like it's 5, 7, 7, 8. Is that what we're up to? Sounds about right.

Is that where the Jewish calendar's at? Dude, we're losing it. Because they don't pay attention to Jesus. We have time travel. It's the future. I thought we'd have flying cars by now. This is a whole other podcast. Favorite Jewish years. Wait till you find out what those yarmulkes are for.

Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity! That was a HeadGum Podcast.