All Fantasy Everything - Grade School (w/ Miel Bredouw, Kate Willett and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: March 22, 2018

I'm too tired to write a description. Here. It's AFE. We're drafting grade school.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that can't believe how many fucking bad drivers there are in this city. The podcast that tried to merge and just was getting blocked by all sorts of fools and gadabouts? Sure. Layabouts? Ne'er-do-wellsabouts ne'er-do-wells ne'er-do-wells a lot of rabble rousing going on on the freeway just fucking crazy some sky larking and it uh it slammed on its brakes to avoid an accident and uh the contents of its backpack went flying out that kind of and slow motion right and uh as the like the beginning of deadpool

is sky larking a real word what say. Is Skylarking a real word? What? Say what? Is Skylarking a real word? Oh, yeah. Skylarking is... What does it mean? It's like monkey business. Rebel rousing.

Oh, okay. Why do you know so many synonyms for this? Tomfoolery, because it's the podcast that does all that. That's what the podcast is. Mischief. Of course. Yeah, mischief.

Mischief. Mischief. Uh-huh. We're into that kind of lifestyle, so we got to know a bunch of different ways to talk about it or else we'll get bored of each other. Yeah. It's that podcast.

We draft it and then we draft some of it. Today, in the beautiful HeadGum Studios in scenic downtown Los Angeles. Scenic, man. Just a little bit of rain. Just a little bit of rain in the air. You know? Just, the winter is pulling away its sword, but it's not all the way in the sheath yet. Yeah, not everyone's gone.

You can still see a little bit of silver. There's still some people around that are like, don't make me. I actually think it's not all the way in the sheath yet. Yeah, not everyone's gone. You can still see a little bit of silver. There's still some people around that are like, don't make me. I actually think it's kind of a spring rain. Is this a spring rain? I feel that way. It's the first day of spring right now. It is the first day of spring.

Yeah, it is. You know, it's 67 degrees and it's a spring rain. You're coming to this with the perspective of someone who now lives in New York City. It's true. Which is a different,

when you're in LA, this is as close to winter as we get, so we have to sort of like exaggerate it. Yeah York City. It's true. Which is a different, when you're in LA, this is as close to winter as we get, so we have to sort of like exaggerate it. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I shaved my mustache, and listeners could probably hear that. Oh, definitely. Right, it's coming through.

The acoustics of your mouth are totally different. It's way different. Just the sort of welcome and- I would imagine it feels weird to get used to either one. Yeah, or they both feel so weird. Having a mustache never stops being weird, at least for me. Yeah. For me either.

Yeah. For the listeners, Kate has like a huge, what's the guy? Wyatt Earp. Who's that? Wilford Brimley. I was going for Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah, it's a cool, she looks like she could cobble a shoe or perhaps play Abraham Lincoln. My grandma had

a straight up mustache. Did she? Straight up. I respect that lifestyle. An old Italian lady straight up mustache. Sure. It's gotta happen.

Why the fuck wouldn't you? It looks tough on some ladies. I kind of like it actually. Yeah. I wish I could grow a mustache. You should grow one. I like a thick arm hair too. I'm one of those guys.

Sean Jordan is in the podcast studio today. Very cool. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Yep. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the Instagram. Shawnee, how are you, baby? I'm doing fantastic, man.

Fresh off of South by Southwest. Oh, should we talk about it for a second or should we wait until David's here? We can wait until David's here. I just want to say I got my body right. It took about a week. Took about a week. Dude, I have... Back into playing mode, back into my fighting weight.

I have been on that preparing for the Iron Man triathlon diet. He's been eating salads every day. Salads. Really? Wait, so you went to South by Southwest? Yeah, we did the podcast there. Oh, you did the podcast there, and then you... We almost died.

Oh, no. From eating bad food? No, we just drank a lot. Sean barfed. So we landed it on Friday. This is the one story I'll tell, and then we'll save the rest for the next episode. I'm sure we told it there, right? We told it.

Oh, maybe. Well, you did. You said it in the live episode. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, Sean barfed on Sixth Street. Red wine. It wasn't even drunk.

It was one of my happiest moments. Right out of the gate. What do you got coming up? Like a six-year-old. You know, I just really want to record this album in Portland. So people tell me you would come to an album recording. Let's fucking set it up. Obviously people will come.

Yeah. All right. That's why I just, I just poke me. I want to do it. That's the next thing. Consider this a poke. Let's look at a calendar when we get home. That's the next thing.

What kind of music do you play? A lot of acoustic. I cover like I cover thrash metal, acoustic, a lot of Icelandic speed metal. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. It's just fun stuff. Yeah. I think you could sell that.

Fun mellow, you know, but like it really gets the point yeah. Yeah, it's just fun stuff. Yeah, I think you could sell that out for a while. Fun, mellow, you know? But like it really gets the point across. It's like what I'm about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your brand. Mellow and pointed. On brand. I'd say on brand for sure.

Kind of how we do Glendale. Just on brand. Yeah, just drive by. You can see us in the front yard doing exactly what I just said. Yeah. Just speed metal covers, thrash metal. Zach's out there dancing sometimes. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. I've seen it. We have a nice family home. We live together too. Dot com. Yeah. Me, Sean, and Zach Toscani-Cara. Oh, Zach Toscani.

And we're all buddies from Portland. Yeah. Nice. I've lived in that home ever since I moved to LA. With Ron. With Ron. Tell that. Ron Funches.

Yeah. Yeah. And then he and two Seattle comics moved out. There's been various administrations, but this is- That's awesome. Definitely Franklin Roosevelt. And it's in Glenville? Yeah. out. There's been various administrations, but this is definitely Franklin Roosevelt. And it's in Glenville? Yeah. That's kind of cool.

It has saved my life. If I didn't have, this is going to sound mushy, but if I didn't have that rock to lean on, I would have left a year and a half ago. A good living situation is so important to happiness. I would have lost my mind. There were just times when Ian came in, I was like, I stopped crying when he walked in the door. I was like, don't be crying, dude. You can't just be sitting here crying. And yeah, it's true.

And he came up and he licked your face. Are those the tears I ordered? I told you to be crying, not have been crying. I'm just very curious how often you do your nunchuck routine. Is that like a daily thing? Is it performance? I don't really call it a routine. It, it was a routine when I saw it.

It's kind of a lifestyle from my point of view. Just like the way I do it. I'm really good at nunchucks. He's really good at nunchucks. Once a week. I went to their place for New Year's Eve, and Selena Gomez's Bad Liar came on. First of all, let's talk about the cheese plate I made, which was exquisite. He never hung out because he was cooking the entire time.

Your boy. Charcuterie after charcuterie after charcuterie. But then Selena Gomez comes on and Sean just quietly comes out of nowhere. I hadn't seen him in like an hour. That's the way to do it. With his nunchucks, deadpan, and just does a whole routine with no

expression on his face to the entirety of the song and then quietly goes back into his room. When my feelings are back, I'm a bad liar. To this day, maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen. I like how you guys know the most about Selena Gomez out of anyone in the room. Selena Gomez is dope. She did. She put out some bangers.

This is Selena Gomez's year. She seems cool. She does seem cool. I love it. I think the songs she put out were so good. She had like six just cuts. Sampling talking heads like, I'm on board. I'm on board.

I used to watch these little kids. I was a babysitter and they were obsessed with Selena Gomez when Selena Gomez was like a little kid on the Disney Channel, and now she's a grown-up woman. Well, it was like that little crew of people, right? Like, who else was in there? Because it was like back in the day when they were all in the Mickey Mouse Club. Demi Lovato. Oh, it was High School Musical, right?

Was Selena Gomez on the... What's it called? She was on Barney and Friends. Oh, she was also, I think, on this wizard show. Yeah, Wizards of Waverly Place. Yeah, that was the one that I had to watch her on. Making fun of me for doing an unchecked routine. Hey, I'm like very young. I don't know if you were making fun of me, though.

No, I respect it. Brayden's got a stethoscope right up to the end of the street. She has it right up to the beating heart of the industry at all times. Ear to the streets, finger on the pulse. That's right. Yep. When you play Twister with Miel, it only points to ear on the streets

or finger on the pulse. Uh-huh. Yep. There's no left foot red or whatever. That's where I live and breathe, baby. Ear to the streets. I know nothing else. They just appear on the spinner.

Sure. Also, do you have any, oh yeah, just the Portland thing. Yeah, just, yeah. It's gonna happen. Let's lock it down so we can start announcing those dates and I can start

getting drunk for it whenever you want to have some we drink sometimes you know we haven't had one now I haven't for two weeks a week and a half since South by Southwest

that's right it was funny because I don't so I don't drink so when you guys said that you were like wrecked from South by Southwest I just had the most

elementary school assumption I was like oh man did you guys eat like a ton of pizza? Did you like have an ice cream party? I forget that people are adults who drink. We ate a lot of meat and True TV. Shout out to True TV and the comedy green room. They just had like a cookie dough bar. Oh yeah, I got a bowl of Oreo crumbs.

Forgot about that. It was sick. You just walk up and you're like, Motherfucker, give me three scoops of that cookie dough. Motherfucking three scoops. Motherfucking, let me get three motherfucking scoops. That's really cool. It was cool.

It was the best. But it really should have been regulated heavier. It was not. Not at all. Not at all. Nor was the badge that got us free drinks. Kate Willen is joining us today Hello Hell yeah

Finally Kate Is it just Kate Willett on Twitter? Yeah I'm Kate Willett With two L's and two T's There it is There it is There it is

K-A-T-E Instagram same thing? Kate dot Willett Kate dot Willett And only because The first one was taken Who's this other Kate Willett? That's Snake in the Grass Let's kill her Yeah right? I don't know Snake in the Grass Kate Willett. And only because the first one was taken. Who's this other Kate Willett? That's Snake in the Grass.

Let's kill her. Yeah, right? Snake in the Grass. Kate Willett with one T on Gmail gets my email sometimes because people leave the second T off. Wait, are you doxing yourself right now? No, but listen. People send emails to me but to her by accident. And then she responds with really rude stuff sometimes.

She'll just cuss the person out. And people have called me on the phone. Who in the world would do that? Dude, it's crazy. Get out of my fucking inbox. Yeah, exactly. What? It's an email.

But more, she doesn't say you've emailed the wrong person. She pretends that she's me. And I was in a play and the director emailed me. say like you've emailed the wrong person she pretends that she's me and is like like if i was like i was in a play and the director emailed me and she was like i quit this stupid play like a bunch of like profane things and the director called me on the phone and she's like have you lost your mind you can't quit like when we're like a week away from production what's wrong with you she doesn't deserve the name i like, what are you even talking about? And she thought that I had some kind of

disorder until I showed her. I was like, no, look, you sent this email to the wrong person, but every time someone calls me on the phone and they're like, what's going on with your email? I'm like, yeah, send it to Kate Willett with one T. It'd be super funny if I secretly managed that account, but I don't.

You get emails for her sometimes, right? No, never. Oh, you never have? I think because my spelling of Willett is more weird than the one T. I'm going to say yours is the right way. If you ever do get an email that's meant for her, just respond with like, listen, we can just call it cocaine. I'll show up to your house with the cocaine.

I don't know why you're calling it a movie or whatever. I'll just be there with a pound of blow at your house. Yeah. Yeah, get her arrested. Yeah. You know when you're always email a movie or whatever. I'll just be there with a pound of blow at your house. Yeah. Yeah, get arrested. Yeah. You know when you're always emailing people about going to see a movie? I was wondering. I was like, where are you going to go with this?

Because I like the beginning of it. I like the idea, but then I didn't have anywhere to take it. Kay, I'm so glad you're on the podcast. What dates do you have coming up to tell the people about? Well, the thing is, is I'm going to be in Australia for the next two weeks. We have Australia and Australia out there. Oh, okay. So I will be at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Melbourne. people about well the thing is is i'm gonna be in australia for the next two weeks we have australia okay so i will be at the melbourne comedy festival melbourne yeah from uh march 28th to april 9th i will be there and then after that i will be uh at various places around new york fantastic website

check out a website kate willett yeah there we go to k Kate Willett with two L's and two T's but yes please come see me in the Melbourne Comedy Festival and please follow me on Twitter because I post all my shows

on there fantastic they're nuts for comedy over in Australia I heard that I'm so jealous that you get to go I really

everybody says it's fucking amazing I heard it's really fun I'm excited I think you're gonna have a great time I think you're gonna have a great time

and that wraps up our podcast for the day. Now we're going to all go eat soup in the rain. I'm going to eat so much pizza at that festival. You're going to come back so tired. You threw up pizza right off the plane. I had so many snacks. 16 hour flight, dude. Nine pizzas.

The pizza probably has alcohol in it in Australia. Yeah. Right? They like stereotypes. They've been known. I don't know what Australian food is like. Do they have delicacies? The pizza probably has alcohol in it in Australia. Yeah. Right? They like stereotypes. They've been known to eat it. I don't know what Australian food is like. Do they have delicacies?

I've heard it's fucking dank, especially in Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. Aren't we supposed to say Melbourne? Melbourne. We're not supposed to say the R, right? Melbourne. I've never been.

I'm just guessing. Yeah, but is that like when you go to a Chinese food restaurant and you're like, I'll have the fuck trite? Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that. Or you're like, can I have some cilantro? Do Australians want us to be that too? Oh my God.

I won't go. Niva say Melbourne. Niva say Melbourne. Niva. Is to be that too? Oh my God. Niva se Melbourne. Niva se Melbourne. Is that supposed to be Australian? Niva Eva. Not noi. Not Eva. Niva.

Not Niva. Is that New Zealand? I don't know. No, we have never known what it is. I can't go out for coffee with my dad because he'll order a coffee and a croissant. No. Dad, no. It's so annoying. It's really amazing. coffee with my dad because he'll order a coffee and a croissant. No! It's so annoying.

Ivan Carmel will do that shit too, but at Thai food restaurants. He speaks French, though. What does he do? He does the French stuff. Is that your father? Yeah, my dad. He'll go and just over-pronounces everything. Famously, the basketball player Dikembe Mutombo, he pronounced it Dikembe Mutombo. And it's like like take a little bit

off the fastball I think Carmel attorney at law he is an attorney at law attorney at law but man at play when he's not an attorney at law

we have Miel Brado what's up girl Brado what's up girl return to the mac at Miel on twitter

hi thanks M-I-E-L that's it what is it on Instagram again Miel Monster oh yeah Miel Monster yeah. Hi. Yeah. Thanks. M-I-E-L. That's it. What is it on Instagram again? Miel Monster. Oh yeah, Miel Monster. My last name's hard to spell.

I would say your live rendition of Pump Up the Jam. Punch. Punch. Fuck, God. Every time I plug another podcast, I get it a little bit wrong. What did I call the...

We hate movies. We called it We Love Movies. We Love Movies. Because they do. Yeah. They love movies. Because they do. Yeah. They love movies. Punch Up the Jam. It was such a good live episode.

It was so good. Oh, if you haven't checked it, I mean, check out all of the Punch Up the Jams, but the live one doing Mambo No. 5 by Lou Begg was so funny. Thank you. It was stuck. Like, your versions of it were stuck. I'm like, just saying the trumpet for like, of the full, whatever it's been since then. It was such a good just like

ripping on i don't want to wreck it for anyone that's going to listen to it because i assume they're rushing to their download machines to download it cancel this they'll never listen to afl again call it a download machine right the download machine download machine download a bunch of cranks put it to the dome yeah and you don't hear that like bill clinton thing in the beginning you know like you used to on limewireire. Yeah, yeah. Ours don't have that. LimeWire. Huzzah. Morpheus.

I'm older. Again, ear to the streets. Oldest person in the room. You do. You know what the kids are into. Cliff bars. Selena Gomez. Yeah.

I realized right after that taping, my friends took pictures on Instagram and stuff, that the dress I wore was just like ever so slightly too short. And so I'm pretty sure my ass was just fully out. You were doing a good job of keeping it in. But it was... It was a few sightings. You had to keep it in check. Ooh, yeah.

It was, you know, live and learn. Also, like, buy me dinner. You know what I mean? Yeah. I was so focused on Demi's beautiful eyes. I didn't notice anything else. Actually, I couldn't find the North Door because I was lost. Yeah.

In those eyes. In those eyes. Yeah. I couldn't even find where I was going. You guys are two of the good ones. Light the heat. You were complete. It was great.

What else should people check out? What else you got going on? Most of my energy is going to Punch Up the Dam right now because we're still new and we actually fully rewrite a song every week. It's amazing. It's great. It takes some time. I can't wait to check it out.

It's so good. It's fun. It's fun. A lot of people think it's just us like shitting on songs for an hour, but it's really not. I talked about how much I love Jonathan Davis for about an hour. I think he's a great singer. To do Freak on a Leash. Do it. Do your Freak on a Leash.

Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock. Would anyone else like to try to do it? Kay, would you like to do your best Jonathan Davis? I don't know. I've never seen him. From Korn.

From Korn? Oh, I barely remember. It's worth a revisit. I always kind of hated that music because the people in my school that liked it were the worst. That's why it's so fun. The Ian Carmel's of the world. I was in there with khaki dickie suits listening to fucking Snoop and Dre

braiding my hair, wearing like do-rags and stuff. So I was like on the other end of that. Kate Bragmore, Sean. Jordan the Clips. That was pretty funny. Hair as braided as the leather belt he was wearing. That was it.

The 90s for me was like all about like lady rock stars like Shirley Manson. Oh, hell yeah. She was awesome though. I know, but there was some really there was some really good music in the 90s. I still mostly listen to music

from the 90s. Yeah, there was. Yeah. Well, next time you're on we'll draft music from the 90s. Oh, that sounds good. That's what's happening. You can even just draft Lady Rock.

Your boy has a hard opinion about some of the older stuff. Melissa Etheridge. Oh, shit. I'm a Liz Fair forever. She's the best. Indigo Girls. B-sides and everything. Anyway.

Those are all women, yeah. Yeah, those are all women. When you said that you liked the Indigo Girls, I felt like my heart started beating fast. But it felt like I was talking to an attractive lesbian for a moment. And then I looked and it was just my friend Ian. Who is kind of an attractive lesbian.

At heart, yeah. Now that I've shaved the mustache especially. That's like your horse. I was steeped. I'll tell you, my bag of tea was steeped in hot lesbian water. My older sister. Go on. My older sister is a lesbian.

And the parties she would take me to. Lesbian parties were the dopest parties. That's generalizing. My sister's lesbian friends were the fucking dopest parties. Or, that's generalizing. My sister's lesbian friends were the fucking dopest parties. It was a time and a place. I was just like, lesbians know how to

fucking get down and that's who you want to fucking kick it with. And I haven't been led astray since then. Yeah, no, you're not going to get proven wrong on that. No.

I think that any, I don't know, in my opinion, parties where it's not all straight people are better. They're better. Oh, yes. They're better, yeah. Hands down.

Straight people are weird. Heterosexual people have some weird mating customs, even though I participate in them sometimes. You ever see like two lizards and you're like, yo, that's fucking weird. Why are you fighting each other? And you're like, well, who am I to judge? Anyway, shout out to lesbians. Shout out to gay dudes too.

This episode brought to you. Shout out to non-binary people. This episode, all family, everything brought to you by homosexuality. All fantasy, everyone.

We've all got a little bit. Yeah. We're not kink shaming. Sexuality is a spectrum. Yeah. Is it? Just appreciate you. I'm just kidding.

Hot take. The outcome's out as hard conservative. Hot take. The outcome's out as hard conservative. Hot take. Anyway, this is weird, but this episode is brought to you by the Heritage Institute. Oh, no. All right. We are gathered here.

Oh, wait. And I'm Ian Carmel. Hey, Ian. What do you got coming up? Ian Carmel on Instagram. Come see your boy. Where? We never ask Ian.

Where's your boy? Your boy is Ian Carmel at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Your boy in Wisconsin. Your boy. When? It is in Austin, Texas. April. I'm going to get there the 19th.

April 19th through the 21st. Just in time for 420, baby. I will be there 420-ing. I didn't get enough Austin last time I was there, so I'm going back for a little bit more. Yes, you did. I'm going to be doing a bunch of stand-up, and we're going to be doing a live All Fantasy Everything.

Ooh, again? Yeah. Austin, lucky city. With Sans, Sean, and Dave, but it will be me and some famous people. Hell yeah. Yeah. Dude, Preacher is headlining.

Oh, but... You think I didn't see that? That's dang. Who's headlining? This dude that we started stand-up with in Portland, who... What's his name? His name's Preacher. Jovan Preacher Lawson.

Oh, he's from Portland? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I love him. He's great. Then he moved. He's fucking amazing. It's just...

Yeah, it's just so... Because he moved here, and we're like, well, later, Preacher. And then you get down here, and you're like, holy shit, dude, you're killing it. Yeah, just, yeah, it's just so, because he moved here and we're like, well, later preacher. And then you get down here and you're like, holy shit, dude, you're killing it. Yeah, he's absolutely killing it. He went this other route and it turned out really cool. He couldn't be nicer. When you touch him, it's like touching a granite wall. He's built.

It's crazy. Amazing, dude. We go about the granite wall comparison. He is stacked. He is shredded. I met him in Montana at the Big Sky Festival and he was really sweet. Yeah.

He's so sweet. And that was right before he started getting mega famous. There it is. And he's still sweet. This episode brought to you by this preacher. Joe Bar Preacher Lawson.

Carved. At a beautiful organ. They just took a small little chunk of like granite from the Black Hills. There it is. And there's Preacher.

So just come see me at Comedy on State and then listen to All Fantasy is. And there's Preacher. So just come see me at Comedy on State and then listen to All Fantasy Everything. Comedy on State? Nope. Moon Tower. Moon Tower. Moon Tower.

Sorry, people in Madison. That will happen soon. Look for me on the road this summer. But without further ado, we should get to the draft. We're gathered here today to draft elementary school. Elementary school. Just the whole fucking kit and caboodle.

Great school in general. Miel's like seven, so we're going to have whole different elementary school. Elementary school. Just the whole fucking kit and caboodle. Great school in general. Mielle's like seven, so we're going to have whole different elementary school experiences. It's good to get the perspective of someone who's still there. That's why we like to have Mielle on. My mom's outside waiting.

Yeah. In her minivan, yes. I sent a text to Mielle that I was like, hey, do you want to come? She was free tonight. But before I preface the topic, I was like,

I'm pretty sure you might have been homeschooled. I was. And she was! Yeah. I was. That'll be a fun take. Well, I did start public school late, though. Second grade. Okay. Well, I dropped out one more time, so fourth grade was my first full year. We'll get into it. Anyway. Anyways. Anyway.

The way we determined the order of the draft was with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Dickie suit. Play between the three of you. Okay. And you throw on shoot, so rock, paper, scissors. Dickie suit. Play between the three of you. Okay. And you throw on shoot. So rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh. I win early. Miel wins. Well, you both threw scissors, so Miel Bredo wins. Fuck you. Odd Personnel wins. And you get to pick the- Fuck you.

Oh, God. Fuck you. Yes, yes, yes. Surprise, surprise. I'm going last, I bet. You know, I'm not going to screw you. The only person I actively go against is David because his picks are too crazy to go first. So I make sure he doesn't go first.

Otherwise, I really don't care as long as I don't go first or last. Well, you still got a pick. And I would like to remind you, it is a serpentine draft. Sure. What is that? Oh, that's a great question. Sean? Well, let's say you're at South by Southwest and you're looking at a free bar.

There's free alcohol on one side, free ice cream on the other side. And you sort of just kind of slither, I think literally at this point, back and forth. Kind of like a snake. On the floor. You kind of slither back and forth to their free dead carcasses. Do snakes eat dead things? Yeah, I think they kill live things. Okay.

To those free live things that they were going to kill that were tied to the ground that they were going to kill. Right. That's kind of like how the draft works. So basically, if you go first, you go, or if you go last, you go. If you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just as a, as a slithering snake.

Oh, that makes a lot more sense. Yeah, there you go. I was like, I was just looking at Sean like, what? And then. I'm running out of ways to explain. It's got to be new every episode. Do a little research. I will.

I will. Just say it the way that Ian said it. That made sense. I liked the snake eating live pinned down prey. That made sense to me. People don't really get what... I think you go first. Ian Carmel. I'll go second. Kate third. Sean fourth. Okay.

Just because it makes sense. And then what happens is I get to go twice in a row because as it is a serpentine breath. You're welcome. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. All right. Well, with the first pick in the grade school, all fantasy, everything.

Uh-huh. The first pick goes to Ian Carmel. And with that first pick, I am going to take back to school shopping. Oh, there it is. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. That's not what I thought

was going to happen. What did you think? No, I can't. Whoa, I can't say. Whoa, that's true. You can't go to school true you can't go to school unless you've been back to school shopping true story now what was your favorite because i have one i have a favorite thing i ever got what was your favorite thing you ever got that i ever got

for back to school shopping uh yeah or just every year we should do elementary what did you ever got from sixth grade or under what was your favorite thing well we're only drafting elementary school right yeah yeah but i don't know while in fifth grade, I decided to get a... Like every other year I'd have like manly sort of like binders or whatever. You just did this thing with your neck. Manly binders or whatever. And that was never me, you know? Even though I started playing football at the time.

I was very strong. I was terrifying, you know? No, I wasn't. I got a bind. I really like cats. Who's that freshman? Wait, wait, what? You got a cat binder? I really like cats, so I got a bind. I really like cats. Who's that freshman? Wait, wait, what? You got a cat binder?

I really like cats, so I got a binder with kittens on it. Okay. That probably made you cooler, right? It did inadvertently. It was not the plan. I just was like, I like cats. Can I ask a crazy question here? Yeah.

You liked back to school shopping? I loved back to school shopping. You didn't like it? Is everyone like it in this room? Yeah. Yeah, I think I liked it. So three yeses, a maybe, and then I'm the odd man out. I thought that was

a dreaded thing. It was four yeses. Super Brutus and Marissa said big thumbs up on that. Wow, I'm shocked by this. I thought this was a thing everyone hated. Well, you have to go and get off an island, so you can only take back what you can fit in the kayak. We were just going into the other rooms. What I liked about it is that every year before school

I would just be like, alright, this is the year that I'm going to be cool. New me, baby. As if they didn't know me last year. Like everybody just forgot. And then within two days my hopes were crushed. So Ian, what was it that you liked so much about it?

The cat binder or just back to school shopping? The cat binder is pretty self-explanatory. I think I had a pretty good grip on the cat binder. Yeah. Generally, what made you choose back to school shopping? I just love it. Me and Sue Carmel, SK Dynamite, St. Sue, we would go to the stores. Is that your mom or sister?

My mom. What was your go-to store? Oh, geez. I mean, we went to Mervin's California a lot for clothes. It was called Mervin's California, but it used to just be Mervin's. And then it became Mervin's, California. In Oregon. In Oregon.

I've never heard of it. Have you ever heard of it? No. Mervin's, California, no. I've seen Mervin's, yeah. Mervin's, yeah. In Oregon. Yeah, Mervin's was a big thing when I was little.

I think Mervin's, did Mervin's become Ross? No. It was its own thing. But it was like Ross. It was's become Ross? No. It was its own thing. But it was like Ross. It was kind of Ross-esque. It's Ross, yeah. Ross just shoved it out of line. Yeah.

And then Ross is now. There could only be one. It was a replacement theory. Yeah, we would go there, and there was a Target right next door, so I would get a lot of school supplies at Target or your Office Depot. And I loved the whole thing. I loved getting school supplies. I still kind of love it. Yeah.

Organizing. Yes. And now I don't ever organize, but I like getting the things to organize. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretending that that's who you are. I get Sharpies and Post-its and shit from the work closet all the time just to be like, now I got colors on my desk. Yeah.

Now look at me, I'm better. Colors on my desk. You bring them home? No, I don't have a desk at home. I do not sit at my desk and plot. Maybe it's where you figure out your nunchuck routines. I don't know. I just read books I do not sit at my desk and plot. Maybe it's where you figure out your nunchuck routines. I don't know. I just read books on how to do it. Learn by doing.

I do it in the front yard with my shirt off, and I put glow sticks on the end of them. Screaming Nicole the whole time. Nicole! Nicole! And then every time I see someone moving, I stop. I go, Nicole?

And then they walk by. And they keep moving. Nicole ruined me. It's the one what ruined him. She's the one what broke this gentle giant. I just loved all of it. Getting my different shorts, because it was always shorts. And different bum equipment t-shirts.

Eventually big dog and everything. What about the ones that said XXXXL on it or whatever? Those were cool, right? I didn't wear those because it was a little too close to the truth. I had a pair of... Just the standard two X had a pair of purple. Can you just work it out? Just the standard two Xs for me, please. I got a pair of purple jabots that you couldn't tell me weren't the dankest jeans in the world.

Purple jabots. You remember jabots? No, no, no. I don't, but I did have purple jeans. So just like purple jeans, purple like $80 jeans that I made my poor mother buy and then a green jabot shirt that I tucked in pretty hard and I wore it. Green on top, purple on bottom.

Yeah. And I bet I wore it like six times in the first like three weeks of fifth grade. That's too many times. Seems like you were cool. I was trying. You sound like a eggplant. I was the poor kid that got an $80 pair of jeans and wore that $80 pair of jeans. At my school, we had uniforms.

Oh, you did? It was all about the accessories. You get to put your own twist on it. It was all about like what? What kind of accessories I don't want to get you talking about it too much. Hair scrunchies and slap bracelets

and really fancy binders. Yes. Ian came over with a slap bracelet the other day. When did I get it? Oh, at the Grammys. It's furry. You think that wasn't planned?

You think I didn't want to bring that up? I wrote for the goddamn Grammys over here. Wrote for the Gram wrote for the ground what is that two years in a row it is legends supporting legends yes yes legends supporting legends they gave you they give you uh this big there's this gift suite it's fucking wild full of shit nobody needs by the way not even not rich people poor nobody needs it that's the fucking thing about it, is it'd be great to go through there and then give it to poor people, but what are you going to give a poor person, a face steamer? A 360 degree camera attachment for

your phone. Right, exactly. It's that kind of shit. So we just raided James's because he, well, not, yeah. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. No, you didn't at all. But we found somebody's bag that they left, but the James's. On the street, just some dude. Just raided it, and I was like, I'll take a fucking snap bracelet. There it is. No, you didn't at all. But we found somebody's bag that they left. On the street. Just some dude.

Just raided it. And I was like, I'll take a fucking snap bracelet. There it is. Sure. Who doesn't need one of those? You found it. I found it. It found me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We found each other. Just like back to school clothes. Yeah, so back to school shopping. All right, I like it. It was just my favorite. I would get depressed. I still get depressed as a 33-year-old man when I see back to school commercials on TV

because I'm like so much older. Because we don't go back to school. There's no break. I know. See, that's why I don't like it because that's the harbinger of doom. You're like, oh, here we go. The commercials sucked, but going shopping, I really love. I feel that way with comedy festivals a little bit now.

I'll go buy a new shirt or something before a festival, just kind of get myself in the mood. Treat yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little thing. Most of the time, it's at a thrift store. It's used. I'm not buying new shit, but it's still new to me.

I think you'd like this Macklemore song. I'll show you. I should listen to that. I think you'd like it. I'll turn you on to this. You've been telling me for like 10 years, dude. You're at thrift stores. You basically are a thrift store.

Like this. Has that song really been around for 10 years? No. I don't know. No, no, no. We haven't even been friends for 10 years. It's been around for like six. I only learned about Macklemore last year. Would you believe it's been around for 10 years? No. We haven't been friends for 10 years. It's been around for like 6. I only learned about Macklemore last year.

And I'm sorry I did. Did it give you no moments of joy whatsoever? No. Yeah. He's a... I like him. I like what he's about. I might not be thrilled about all the music, but he's just a dude who did it.

He's living his dream. He's getting money. I don't need to be thrilled about the music. I like it. That's true. Okay. I got to know your opinion of Macklemore. You grew up like 10 blocks away from him. Oh, I've known about Macklemore since I was like 13. You can't not.

Andy Haynes went to high school with him. Really? Yeah. That makes sense. Mel Bredo, it's time for your first pick in the elementary school draft. Right. Okay. I have so many I want to high school with them. Really? Yeah. That makes sense. It feels very popular. Miel Brado, it's time for your first pick in the elementary school draft. Right. Okay. I have so many I want to choose. I can't decide which one to choose first. I'm going to say breakfast for lunch day.

Oh, hell yeah. That was the fucking best. Right? I want hash browns and French toast for lunch every day. Yes. Why do you make me eat bullshit otherwise? This is all I want to eat. That sounds good.

Right? But is that because your elementary school was your house. So that was just whenever you asked mom. Okay. True story. Actually, my first day of public school was breakfast for lunch day at the cafeteria. What a good first day.

You jump into like, I don't know if this is the experience everyone had, but when you jump in late, they don't like teach you what shit is no like i'm sure i don't know i'm answer me orientation in first grade they're like here's cafeteria yeah so you don't get that luxury so all of a sudden the bell rings and everyone just walks out and i was like i guess i'll follow them and so they all walk into this big auditorium and people are lining up and i was like i guess i'll get in line yeah and then they give me a tray and they start putting food on it and i'm like whoa yummy giant french fries cool and then i get up and I was like I guess I'll get in line yeah and then they give me a tray and they start putting food on it and I'm like whoa yummy giant french fries cool and then I get

up and they're like that's two dollars I was like I'm seven I don't have money I don't know what you want from me but oh well I'll get some ketchup the lady's like fine like I'll charge you this time I was like thank you I sit down with the cool kids I go to dunk my french fries in ketchup and the coolest girl goes why are you dunking your French toast in ketchup? I was like, uh, fuck, you know, homeschooled girl.

I actually, I was like, you know what? It's cause when you eat breakfast, your ketchup eggs, you know, get touches your French toast. And I'm a savant and I figured out they taste good.

So I like that you just played it off. It worked though. They all started eating it with ketchup. And I'm like, you know what? It's pretty good. French cider from the get go. It wasn't good off. It worked, though. They all started eating it with ketchup. They're like, you know what? It's pretty good. Transcender from the get-go.

It wasn't good, though. French toast and ketchup, not a good combo. Don't eat that. I can handle it. My brain is telling me it would be good. Really? Cinnamon, sugar, and ketchup? My mind is telling me no, actually.

But my body. Your body's saying it. I know that it's bad. I forgot that I'd know because I went to the Kellogg Diner in New York, and they had cooked the French toast on a grill, which had clearly also had something with ketchup on it. So I had some ketchup crusted French toast, and it is one of my worst food memories of all time. You gotta scrape the grill, man.

What the fuck was on the grill that had ketchup on it on the grill? I don't know. Hot ketchup sandwich? Oh, probably meatloaf. Meatloaf? grill, man. What the fuck was on the grill that had ketchup on it on the grill? I don't know. Hot ketchup sandwich? Oh, probably meatloaf. Meatloaf. Yeah, maybe. Some of that breakfast meatloaf that they were cooking before your friend's brekkie loaf.

So yeah, I know it's gross. Yeah, it's not good. I'll just send my opinion that it might be good. I'm happy to do that. I mean, you try it. Figure it out. That was your first day where you're just like, everything's backwards here. Breakfast for lunch?

I didn't understand any of it because then obviously once you did figure out it was breakfast, I was like, this isn't what we eat now. Where's like, give me a sandwich. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. But later, because it was so monumental, it embedded itself into my brain as a good thing. I had to take it back. You know what I mean? And it reminds you of your first grift when you convinced all the other kids that catch up was good on French shows.

My first con, baby. Once I got a taste, I never looked back. And you still haven't been caught. I used to love when they did that. I loved like theme days. My first grift. That's what a grift is? What, a scheme?

I mean, I remember the movie Grifters, but I never knew what, like grift was a- You're thinking of the TV show Sliders with Jeremy Connell. That's what you were thinking. I'm thinking of the movie Sleepers. No, yeah, grift is like a con. Yeah. I'm thinking of Roadhouse. You're right grift. You're thinking of the TV show Sliders with Jeremy Connell. That's what you're thinking. I'm thinking of the movie Sleepers. No, yeah. Grift is like a con.

Yeah. I'm thinking of Roadhouse. You're right. Yeah. Never mind. Never mind. You're thinking of Con Air, dude. Oh, James Con?

James Con. Jimmy Con. Okay. Scott Con. Entourage. You're thinking of the television show Hawaii Five-0 Reboot. Yeah. That guy from Lost? Scott Con.

Okay. That guy from Lost. And Matthew Fox. Matty Fox. We are Marshall. Yes, dude. Yeah. You're thinking of the Marshall playing crowd. You're Fox. We are Marshall. Yes, dude. Yeah, you're thinking of the Marshall playing crowd. You're thinking of Flight with Denzel Washington.

Okay. Out cocaine. I'm thinking of Blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it. I get it. Johnny Depp? The remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

That's what you're thinking of. This is a fun game of Mind Melt. It's fun for the listeners, and it's especially fun for Kate and Mielle. I love watching people improvise on air. Yeah. Warm- up games. Especially when there's no established rules.

It's just Sean and I free associating like we're sitting on the couch in Glendale. Is this what you guys do on a cool Saturday night? Just deadlock each other in the eyes and say words until you can't think of any new words. On a Saturday night, we're going to be drunk outside a comedy show.

Who knows? Who knows? Having a Saturday, of course. About town? Yeah. Yeah, but breakfast, lunch, day. I don't know. It's just like in the middle of the day.

That's an amazing pick. I like it. Definitely one of mine. Thanks. Fantastic. There it is. Kate Willett, it's time for your first pick of the grade school draft.

Your first pick on AFE ever. I'm going to go with playing the recorder. Oh! Yeah! What a nice, fun, deep cut. I've thought about this. I loved to play the recorder when I was a child. I learned all the songs from Aladdin.

I got a recorder book. And it was great because it's like a musical instrument that you don't have to practice a lot like a piano. But as an adult, I think I love this even more because i realize how annoying this must have been for my parents just like i don't know if you're playing the aladdin song like me just throwing it at the wall my parents are just my parents are just trying to watch tv and just like be you know just two people working very hard in their 30s. And in the other room, I'm just like.

See, that sounds tight, though. I would have my ear up to your door. Listen to our little girl. Listen to our little. Shut that goddamn football game up. Listen to our little girl. That's what I'd say. Don't talk to your wife like that.

I practiced so much. I loved it. How long did you play it? Just for second or I think second, third, and maybe part of fourth grade. I had this music teacher named Mrs. Klimke, who was a very emotionally unstable woman. She got fired from our school, I think, because she got mad. And then she took a recorder and she hit the piano and she broke the recorder in half. Oh, my God. It's like Hell's Kitchen in there.

Jesus. Yeah, but she was really pissed off because none of us practiced or something. I practiced. That was crazy when you saw a teacher lose it. Yeah. I saw it a few times where you're just like, oh, shit. Hey, don't ruin the draft, bro.

But then now you're like, oh, yeah, that's actually a great option. Yeah, just make a teacher lose it. Yeah, I mean, you know. I can't believe you liked playing recorder. I feel like everyone I know was like, I have to learn this thing. It was like the first thing that we all got to try. Well, because, I mean, I think if I played another instrument or something, I would have liked another instrument more.

But I didn't have the self-discipline to learn a real instrument. You learned Aladdin. That requires a lot of self-discipline. I'm saying. I knew Hot Cross Buns and like Peter, Peter, Pumpkin. Oh, yeah. Hot Cross Buns. That was the first one you learned.

Yeah. What was the... There was another one. You could also play... I want to play fucking Arabian Nights. For the listeners at home, that's actually Ian's mouth. Yeah. That's not...

He doesn't have a recorder. He did not bring a recorder. This is crazy. It would be so funny if I brought a recorder. No, I wasn't all prepared. I actually found an expert. Unsheath it. Did you get to bring one home from the school or did you have to copy it on Roscoe?

No, we had to buy our own recorders. Yeah, we had to buy our own. You had to buy your own? No. They were like plastic. We got like plastic ones. They were like 20 bucks. We had a little case too, like a little holder thing for it.

Yeah, definitely. A quiver if you were. I wore it on my back. Ours were made out of whale ivory. We had to bring them home and keep them. That's different in Beaverton. Organ was crazy. A rich nautical history.

Yeah, playing the recorder was so tight. Did you ever fuck around on the glockenspiel? That's a big jump you just made. Yeah, I mean they did, mean i don't think that we i think that was the only instrument we got to like have yeah that was ours yeah yeah you didn't get to bring the glockenspiel home but i used to throw down on it too you're just lugging the glockenspiel down the road it's so noisy every step you guys have wildly different takes on the glockenspiel i don't know what a glockenspiel is

I'm not 100% sure either but we're both confident that's key that's what sells it play the recorder excellent first pick Sean Jordan it's time for your first

and your second pick as it is a serpentine draft the first pick's gonna be recess I don't know how that oh fuck yeah okay

that's what I thought would go first because none of us are that basic I was fat. I dreaded recess. See, I always get shit for picking weird shit right away. And then everyone's like, why didn't you pick the one that I thought recess would be?

You did great, baby. You're doing great. You're doing amazing. I didn't think it because I hated recess. You hated recess? I also hated recess. Y'all hated recess? Yeah.

I had no friends and I was fat. Recess was the worst part of my day. I was so fat. But I had so many friends. Yes, there you go. You're a happy guy. I am. I'm gregarious.

But underneath, ooh, I am so sad. But keep it moving. Let's keep going. We had a little crew of people that would go like, because I was in Taekwondo from when I was like four forever until I was 16 or something. So we had a little crew of kids that would go stop bullying. We'd see like bullies.

No, no, you're not. I did, I swear to God. There was like three or four of us that would go like- You had an anti-bully squad? You, Melania Trump. Yeah. Me and Melania Trump.

Did you make like badges or sashes or something? No, we just, I thought it was cool because I was in Taekwondo and be like, hey man, you should leave him alone.

And like we never did, you know, we never fought. Did it work? People respected it? Yeah. Is it because there was four of you? Because we're kids. We, you know,

I was like, hey, you're being mean to this kid. Most of the time it worked. A couple times, one time this kid chased me and I had to do this. I fell down and stuck my leg out. And so he just went flying over it. And I think he got hurt, actually. And I felt so bad.

I was like, Jesus, man, I thought you were going to kick the shit out of me. You were like a woke bae at eight years old. Yes. We used to play tackle football on the cement, too. What the fuck? Yes. Again, save the drafts, man. Come on. Don't play there.

Is this what 18-year-olds call good people? Woke bays? Is that what happens? Woke bays. Yeah. I loved recess, man. What was your game? What was your game of choice?

Football. Oh, football. I mean, every single day. You played football at recess? Every single day we played football. Four square. Wall ball, four square, and kickball, dude. Hello.

Kickball was the shit. Yeah, kickball, but it was football. We had a big field that we could- We played football, too. Yeah. And I guess it snowed a bunch in South Dakota, so we could always climb the King of the Hill and stuff like that. Yeah.

That was always fun. We literally didn't have enough- Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. I was interrupting you, I think. You go. You go. I'm 100% sure there was a game called Smear the Queer Play. Oh, there was.

Within earshot of adults who said nothing about the name of the game. We played it in my gym class. I remember based on the teacher. I don't remember what it was called, but there was a game that the whole thing was just throwing a ball at people's butts. Yeah. It was definitely... A butt ball. Classical harassment.

Yeah, dude. I believe the teachers in South Dakota were like, why don't you guys go play Smith and Queer or something like that? Leave us alone. We literally played it per the gym teacher's instructions. They had issues with the violence, but not the name. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's how far Beaverton got.

We played Cowboys and Indians, too. I mean, this was like the 90s. I don't understand how that was still happening. Teachers got a lot on their plate, man. I'm not going to go too hard on them. Yeah, they were. Anyway, recess. Recess is great.

We played wall ball in four square. We had so many rules. What's wall ball? Is that like- It's like dodge ball against a wall, right? Yeah. Well, there's two people. And there's a wall.

And you have a bouncy red ball. And you hit it. And it has to hit the ground and then the wall. And then it can bounce again. Or it doesn't have to. I think we called that handball. You called it hand't have to. I think we called that handball. You called it handball? Yeah.

I think we have a different game. Was it a little ball or a big... This was like a basketball-sized ball, but softer. Yeah, that was handball. Handball, yeah. We had tetherball, too. That was a good one. Oh, yeah, we had tetherball.

Tetherball. Again, blow on the picks. Tetherball. I was going to... When I was saying wall ball earlier, I'm realizing now, based on both of your opinions being confirmed the same, the game I was thinking of doesn't exist outside of my school. Whoa, what was it? It's where you line up against.

Hall wall ball. You're going to sit sideways. It's where you line up against a concrete wall and take turns one at a time throwing the ball at each other's heads. Not a game though. Everyone at your school used to call that catch-up Frenchos. What you have against the wall. Hey, let's go play catch-up Frenchos. Let's make her think this is a game.

Yeah, we're all playing. We're all going to do it. It's your turn again. That's not even dodgeball. You don't stand against a wall like execution style dodgeball. Describing a rough game. Yeah. Oh, well.

Okay. Well, I'm learning stuff. We'll pick that then. Sean, with your first pick, we dredged up some childhood memories, but I can't wait to see what you dredge up with your second pick. Yeah. I'm going to pick getting in grade school, getting picked up and dropped off by your parents and not thinking it was uncool.

Oh, okay. That's what I'm picking. Wait, okay. To clarify, are you picking the fact that you didn't have to take the bus and you got the luxury of a car ride, or are you picking the fact that you were confident enough as a kid to not be embarrassed by it? Confident enough as a kid to not be embarrassed by it. To be like, hey, mom, and run to see my mom at the end of the day.

I'm not just saying this because St. Sue's a listener. I earnestly was never embarrassed to get dropped off. I wasn't. I never learned. I met in commercials where they're like, dad, drop me off one block away. I was like, I was like, my mom dropping me off isn't what's keeping me from making out with girls. Like when I started skating or one, even just later, I mean, just later, I just wanted to

be, I wanted to be seen skating to and from school when I started. So it was like, you know, after that I was like, well, it's not cool if I don't show up on my board. But yeah, in elementary school, it was just the best. It was sweet. Before you gave up. Hey, mom, you guys, see you guys tomorrow,

you know. Hat sauce. On the football field. So did you later, did you later, you later were like, dropped me off five blocks away in high school?

Yeah, I tried to skate school, but she wouldn't do it. She, all the way up to the front. So eventually, you did become self-conscious. Yeah. So you're reminiscing for before things were ruined for you. You're breaking me down like a shotgun?

I'm trying to understand. Yeah. Okay. I totally agree with that. There were these girls in sixth grade one time, the two coolest girls in school. We were sitting out front because we all had detention. And my mom was coming to get me and they go, oh, what do you love your mom? And I was like, yeah.

Fuck yeah. My mom's time is up. She's my mom. Yes. And they were laughing at me and I was like, you guys, my mom's time is up. She's my mom. And they were laughing at me and I was like, you guys are fucking nuts. What's happening at home?

That's crazy. That's so sad for them. That's weird that in elementary school you were supposed to love your mom. Yeah. It didn't get cool to hate her until middle school.

You're one of the two main people you know. You used to suck her tits, dude. You have a certain bond. You grew inside of her body. Like, you better be friends. I get it. I hatched, but yeah. Sean did hatch.

Yeah, yeah. I did hatch. A Motley Crue song played loud enough to finally awaken him from his... Thousand-year-old egg. Yeah. A few condors around. I know what you mean, though.

Yeah, when things were pure and sweet. I just loved it. I was strictly within hoof and distance, either or the bus. It was never much of a car ride situation. When we draft middle Yeah, when things were pure and sweet. I just loved it. I was strictly within hoofing distance, either or the bus. I never, it was never much of a car ride situation. When we draft middle school, we'll get to the bus. The bus, el autobus. So buck.

She, my mom worked nights, so she'd be asleep, you know. So if I missed the bus, this is just a middle school story. She was a hit man when you were in elementary school. She was a hit man. I say was. Yeah, was.

How's it when she screwed a silencer? That's a, Again, you guys, ladies and gentlemen at home, that is not a real gunfire. That is not a recorder. That is actually Ian's mouth. Now I'll use this glass to make a goat noise and we'll get on with the pick. All right. Is it my turn? Oh, my God.

Did that get picked up? I don't know. Ian's trying to make a goat noise. Okay, cool. He does this every episode. Second pick. All right, I'm going with silent reading time. Yes!

Oh. That was on my list too. Books you wanted to read. And I loved just a time where we're all supposed to just sit there and be quiet and get to fully enjoy our books. Because at recess, I would still sit there with my books. Everyone thought that I was a loser for just reading. And I'd be off in the distance.

Hey, stop being mean to her. All right? Me and Adam Dickinson over here don't want to. I was one of those kids that just really loved to read. And I would get in trouble pretty frequently for like secretly reading under my desk. God, that's bananas. That's so weird to yell at a kid for that. Well, because we were supposed to be doing other things

but I was really into like Wrinkle in Time and Sweet Valley Twins and all that stuff so I was stoked when we had time devoted to it. It's also so intimate to read silently next to a bunch of other people. It's so intimate. Well, and I was a little

conceited because I could read faster than everyone. Were you like, I'm on page 52 just so you know. I would just see myself turning the pages. I was a little competitive about it. The person next to you was eating their book. I like some quiet, honestly.

Elementary school is a rowdy place and it felt I like the quiet, honestly. Elementary school is a rowdy place and it felt nice to just quiet down together. I still like it. You probably, like your parents probably loved you, right?

That was like, you were a good kid? I was good, but I was spacey. Like I was just, and I'm still, I'm still the same. Like I'm nice,

but I just like, sometimes I just zone off and people are like, hey, what's going on? And I'm like, I don't know. I'm nice, but I just sometimes I just zone off. People are like, hey, what's going on? And I'm like, I don't know. That's what makes you such a good comedian. It's just like you get lost in your thoughts like that. It's meditative, baby.

You're on a journey. I used to love silent reading time, too. It felt like doing something fun on the company dime. You get to lounge, man. That is nice. Lounging in public. You don't get to do that a lot.

God, I miss reading. I wish they still made books. They stopped, right? I read them all 10 years ago. The internet is for silent reading on Facebook. God, it's the worst. Reading on the internet just exhausts me. It's terrible.

Yeah. All day. All day. All day. So what were your books we valley high um i liked fear street fear street um i got really into horror novels for a little while fear street you were conceited because that was like the grown-up uh goosebumps right yeah yeah well this was pre-goosebumps. I don't think Goosebumps was out yet. Is that where Arnold Stein got his start? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. What about like, God, what were the idiot books that I read? Stuart. Clifford the Big Red Dog. The mouse books? Stuart Little. Stuart Little. Yeah.

Yeah, I read all the mouse books. If you give a mouse a cookie. That was how I stimulated my brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, it's crazy because he's in a car, you see. I understand. His mouse is in a car. What's he doing in there?

He's driving all over the place, causing ruckus. I'm reading all about it. Bray-do! It is time for your second pick. Okay, easy. In-class Halloween parties. Yeah. Nothing like them.

Miss them every year. Every Halloween I get so sad. I was hoping so bad you'd bring this up. My friend Sean Smith, he wore in elementary school school we were in like third grade and he just put uh like underwear on and then covered himself in those cobwebs and they'd like an hour into school they were all falling off and they're like no other clothes yeah no they're like dude you're wearing underwear in south dakota in october what the fuck we were in second grade he only got weirder as life went on his parents let his parents let him do this? Like, what the fuck happened?

His parents didn't let him do anything. He let his parents live in the house. Yeah, did he know Taekwondo, too? Like, how did he get away with this? I've known him since I was five years old, but yeah, he was just the best. What did he say his costume was? And he's still alive, for sure? Yeah.

He's a fucking... He's one. He's a gentleman. He's the only one. He's the only Sean Smith out there. He's the only one. He's a fucking, he's one. He's a gentleman. He's the only one. He's the only Sean Smith out there. He's the only one. He's a real gentleman. For me, it was all about reading scary stories to tell in the dark.

Sure. Those witch head apples. Yes. You carve them and they get all dried up. Like the weirdest punch. It always had like sherbet ice cream floating in it. Yeah, it was so sugary. It was so sugary.

The monster mash just on loop for like seven hours. Sherbet is not something I see that much anymore. I know. We were both getting sherbert back then. I really was led to believe I'd be eating more sherbert in my adult life. And then this poem. Did you guys do this too? Or is this an island thing? You always would read The Cremation of Sam McGee. That's an island thing. Oh. For sure. Maybe it's a pretty scary poem.

No. It's so lame. Everyone brings their costumes to school. It's similar to what was landlocked And everyone brings Their costumes to school It's similar to what you were saying About getting dropped off at school Like it's before You're too self aware

We did a parade On the playground We used to do a big parade With the whole school Did you guys do that? What did you wear? No I dressed up

We had that yeah Yeah It was awesome right Like everybody would go around The perimeter And you could just see everyone Yeah the preschool came out too And that was pretty cute

The preschool Halloween costume Even as a kid, you're like, look at how cute kids in preschool are. Yeah. I feel like I'd be like, no,

fuck you kids. I'm a better kid because I'm still like too close in age. I was a witch like every year. Yeah. I mean, that's like timeless.

I had a Beetlejuice one time. I was Beetlejuice. I liked that. It's going to be a lot of Sue Carmel referencing. I don't remember it was grade school or kindergarten, but I went to Sue.

You were your own boss. No, but I did use to have clip-on earrings, and I would put the clip-on earrings and a lot of makeup on. I just sort of admire myself. Yeah, I get that. I kind of wish male makeup was sort of a more mainstream thing. I mean, do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race? Y'all can have it. It's just a pain in the ass.

I'll fucking take it. I'm a vain individual as it is. I would love a little help. No one's stopping you. I'll fucking take it. I'm a vain individual as it is. I would love a little help. No one's stopping you. I'll go to Sephora with you gladly. Show you the ropes. I want to find out what this Glossier thing is that I see people complaining about. Oh, it's all hype.

Is it? It's not great. All right. Yeah. Just so you know, I've done it. I'm going to use that Fenty. I'm going to use that Rihanna line. In-class Halloween party.

Hell yeah. Oh, she made me a costume. I may have been older than, or I may have been younger than grade school, but like a superhero costume with like muscles built in. That's awesome. Just because she was that good at like sewing and everything. She put like cotton in it. It had abs and shit.

It was amazing. But did it have like a dick? Because that'd be pretty weird. No. She sewed on a little dick for you. No. No. I mean, he's kind of funny though.

Obviously my own penis was out. God. I didn't have muscles. I did have a penis at the time. I had a penis at the time. It's just like that Arrested Development episode. Oh, that's so... Shout out, Sue.

Shout out, Sue. That's a lot of manpower. It is time for me to pick my second and third picks. As it is a Serpentine draft. With my second pick, we're just talking a little bit about books but i don't think we we didn't fully nail my favorite thing about books what my favorite thing was when the book fair would come to school oh yeah the last book fair you remember that shit oh yeah when you would get you would get the pamphlet like a maybe a month or like your own

wall street journal when you're a kid you're like what the fuck like you're cracking open the london financial times what the fuck am i gonna do today what the fuck? Like you're cracking open the London Financial Times. What the fuck am I going to do today? What the fuck happened to the RuPaul? Or whatever. Like it was, and it was amazing. I just used to love it. Be like, yo, fucking that. Check that one.

Check that one. Oh, the guy who wrote Redwall put a new book out? Yeah, I'll get that twice, motherfucker. You know, like, and then when it would actually show up and you get to go around. Your heap of shit and you're just like, whoa. Yeah. It was like the first time you had like agency as a child. Yes.

Yeah. That was so exciting. Very true. Isn't it weird? Isn't it peculiar? Isn't it weird? Isn't it just so weird? As a legitimate lick.

But like the things we wanted to do as kids are like the things that we dread now. Yeah. Take me to a Barnes and Noble. things that we dread now. Yeah. Take me to Barnes and Noble. I'll riot. Yeah. Everybody sit down, be quiet and read for an hour. I'll have fun like at a bookstore. Like if I go to Powell's or whatever, I still enjoy it.

But like shopping. Just the idea of shopping as a child was so like. I had khakis on for months because I don't want to go buy jeans because I just hate shopping so much. I hate shopping. I just wear khakis now. I hate it now. Yeah. Also, it wasn't your money.

That probably had something to do with it. Yeah. Yeah, but also just you want to be an adult so bad, then you get there and you're like this, you know? This is hard. It's like a shitty house party. If there's any elementary school kids listening, don't rush into it, you know? Also, don't listen to this.

Enjoy the, yeah, don't swear. This is way too old for you. Also, Molly's just a person. Yeah, yeah. Cocaine is just a person too. Yeah, the Scholastic Book Fair. And when it would show up, it was just like amazing. Like the whole front of the grade school.

You just go. Wait, so did they come to your school? Yeah. Sometimes they did. They would unfold these big metal like pile things. They like had them in to-go trucks. Yeah, so you could order the books ahead of time or you could show up day of. It's weird because that's just them

selling stuff at school, right? Well, now as an adult, you're like, alright. Why are they allowed to profit off of public schools? That seems odd. I don't know what the deal is. Scholastic probably kicks back a grip of money. Do they do that still? Maybe that's true, yeah. Yeah, they still do it.

When I was dating that mother of two in Portland, Oregon, you're familiar with the woman. I thought that was going to go another way. I went to the book fair with her kid, and it was like I got kind of a contact high off of it. It was just as dope as it used to be. Because she was so excited. It was really fun.

Yeah. Also, now that you have actual adult money, you're like, oh, shit, that parents were cheap. Yeah. Three bucks? We're just trying to instill like values in you or whatever. I'm like, I could buy this kid

a fucking encyclopedia set. Like this is amazing, you know? And I got like, you know, I got like three goosebumps out of it. Uh-huh. Just giving away, here kid, take one. Fliff, fliff, fliff. Dollars or books?

Books. Okay, I got it. I want to do this with money, but it's another story. Snap raise, snap raise. So this classic book fair I want to do this with money, but it's another story. Snap, raise, let. So this classic book fair is going to be my second pick. Solid choice. That's your number three?

With my third pick, something that I sincerely loved. You guys might not pick it, but we're in the third round. So it's time for a passion pick. Taking the science fair. Ooh. I liked it. I loved it. I loved the science fair.

We didn't really have one, I don't think. You didn't have one? I didn't have one either. Every year. You didn't have to do it, but I did it. I loved it. I loved the science fair. We didn't really have one, I don't think. You didn't have one? I didn't have one either. Every year. You didn't have to do it, but I did it. I did it too. I love those boards they make. Oh, the boards.

I love so much. With like the three panels. Yes. So what was it? It was in the gym or something and you just could be in the science fair? Yeah. That's what it was. You have to explain your stuff to the other people as they walk around.

Like this is the solar system and you make it out of golf balls. Or whatever it was. Or you could do an experiment. Like I did experiments with putting different things to help plants grow. Sure. Oh, like Beyonce. Well, no. Fertilizers.

That's awesome. Like does Beyonce music help corn grow? Was that your thesis? Yeah, but then I was like, actually, I'm too old for for that i think i put anti-freeze in the plants and it helps help them grow it really is weird that it is that a known thing no i feel like i've heard that before but uh yeah it was weird because i ran this experiment and i was i think i was trying to prove that polluting the earth was bad for the plants but then the anti-freeze really helped the plants grow so I was very confused.

Whoopsies. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. So if you're smoking weed laced with antifreeze now you know why. Did they actually do

the like volcanoes with the baking soda thing? That was pretty cool, yeah. I remember doing that so maybe I did do a science fair. I only saw that in like movies and stuff.

I never You'd remember the board that three-sided board. Yeah, that like signified your booth or whatever. I did dinosaurs one year. Just dinosaurs? Just dinosaurs. I just talked about...

I think they existed. I think I was like in first grade and I was like, these are some of them. I get it. It seems... I'm just picturing an adorable situation. Adorable.

I'll show... I got some pictures at home. I'll show you. You should tweet it. Your earring's hanging off. Your snap-on earring's hanging off. I'll tweet the pictures. Tweet the earrings hanging off. I'll tweet the pictures. Tweet the picture.

Yeah, I'll tweet the picture. Oh, yes. We got to start doing shit like this. Yeah, yeah. I'll tweet the picture. I'm so excited to see it. I did poison dart frogs one year. You caught them?

I caught them, and I held them in my mouth in front of everyone. Coward! They're all coward! Take me now! Coward! It's no wonder to me that everyone wanted to be your friend.

They're just like, what is this guy going to do next? Poison dart frog guy over there. I don't want to miss a second of this. I don't know what nihilism is, but I think this is it. Yeah, it was full-blown nihilism. I was an advanced child. I wrote a book on the Iraq War in kindergarten. That part's true.

Way before the Iraq war wait what? the first one? Desert Storm when you were five I really did I swear to God I was like very interested in it

and like I don't know I must have been getting the real information at home because I was like it's a war for oil I remember it vividly I remember drawing these like oil derricks I can't believe you didn't draft Desert Storm as your favorite thing about elementary school.

That was kindergarten. I'm not 100% sure it counts, but we'll think of the fifth round. Oh, man. What was that? Oh, science fairs. Oh, and then the last one I remember, so I'm missing two of them, but the last one I remember I did aliens. Are they real?

Ooh, what was your thesis? They were? Just I presented both sides. I didn't come down on anything, but it was a very spooky science fair. Were there any teachers lingering? Like, you're right, Ian. I'll tell you that. I'll both sides. I didn't come down on anything, but it was a very spooky science fair for me. Were there any teachers lingering? You're right, Ian. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you.

I got some brownies. This is pretty conclusive proof, my friend. I used to be so afraid of aliens. As you should be. I was scared of them. You still should be. What do you mean used to? They're scary as shit.

The X-Files were in the fucking primetime swing of things, and I was so scared. I used to love that I had pet gu pig, pet guinea pigs in my room. Oh, no. What did you do? And I would lay in bed and I ate one. And I was like, well, the aliens will take the guinea pigs first. So I'm fine. Oh, that's so mean.

Whatever. Look, you need them on that wall. You want them on that wall. Science farm? Science farm. Science fair. Science fair. Bread out.

Time for your third pick. Right. Okay. Of course. Time for your third pick. I'm picking Snow Days. Oh, hell yeah. Way to make me feel bad for being in California. To be fair, I'm from Washington, so we were lucky to get one a year, which is why they were so exciting.

We got tons, but they tack it on to the end of your year, which sucks. No, they didn't do that for us. That's terrible. They didn't do that for us. They did it for us. We were always in school like a week and a half longer than the rest of the fucking country. I guess if you live in South Dakota, you get so many snow days that they have to make it up somehow. And we're all really stupid, so they just really want us to get that learning in.

How can that be legal for the teacher's contracts? That's what I don't understand. They're entitled to that time off. I mean, they still got the time. I don't think anyone was complaining in the middle of the year. Like, snow days are awesome. You're just an excuse to sit at home, get drunk if you're the science teacher. I mean, I was seven, so I wasn't...

That's what I'm saying. The teachers probably were like, pop the bottle. For me, the island had no means of handling snow. So if it snowed at all, they had to cancel school. No, nothing. Not even salt. So it was just like, fuck it home before it freezes.

Not even salt. They won't salt the roads in Oregon. I know they won't. Because of the salmon. Oh, is that why they don't do that? Well, yeah. If it gets swept into the river and it kills salmon. Yeah, that makes sense.

If they did it like... The commute is more important. We have our priorities straight On the west coast Probably California too, you don't salt the roads Also there's no snow, but you know But they salt their avocados, have you been to California? Jason Ross Did you get days of any kind off?

Like were there heat days or anything? Nothing We got a couple heat days I think I think once someone called in a bomb threat And we got that day off, but it wasn't a happy time. Probably wasn't too fun. Bomb day. I'm going to raise my kids elsewhere.

They have to know about snow days. Yeah. I also lived on a mountain. So if the snow is deep enough, you were just stranded with no power and no food and no electricity. So there was many times where you're burning fires and melting snow and that's your life for endless periods of time. But other than that, it was really fun.

We always found a way to get things done. Yeah. I don't know. Snowball fights? Yeah. Usually it was such a race to get home.

There wasn't a lot of time to hang out in town. What if it snowed out before school? I lived on a cul-de-sac and we would have snowball fights. One time Tyler Friedman put a rock in it.

That little fucker. That's against the protocol of a snowball fight. Everyone knows that. Yeah. You'll lose an eye. Don't worry. Karma evened everything.

No, Tyler's fine. Karma's my cousin. Snow days. Great. Oh, also we would sled down the cul-de-sac. Anyway, great pick. Oh, God, yeah.

Kate Willett, it's time for your third and your fourth picks. Nope. Oh, Sean Jordan. Wait. God, yeah. Kate Willett, it's time for your third and your fourth picks. Nope. Oh, Sean Jordan, wait. Oh, shit. Kate's third pick. Kate's third pick.

My third pick, but I don't have to go for my fourth one. No, just your third. You'll have two more turns before I do that. It's a tough call. I was between a few things,

but I'm going to go with swings. Oh, no, you're not. Yeah. Swing, swing, swing. Man, I could sit on swings for hours. I just have these long conversations with people, but just swing and just go. It's still fun.

I was on a swing the other day, and it's still fun. Yes. It's like basic physics, too. You're like, I can move without moving. How is this possible? Yeah, it's great and it was just uh yeah i this is i this isn't its own pick i thought about making it its own pick but um as like a corollary to swings like after school care oh yeah because you could get like maybe 10

minutes of swinging time in recess but you could get like two hours wait were they a hot commodity parents worked late and didn't care about you and they left you in school after school care for all day we only had like four swings on our playground

there was two sets of two really yeah that's the thing I used to get picked up at like six o'clock every day because my parents

both worked really late so you had several hours of swing time I would just have a lot of swing time did you do like the flips off the end and stuff

sometimes yeah you're probably really good at swings I was really good at swings it's really too bad that's not a useful skill I would just have a lot of swing time. Did you do the flips off the end and stuff? Sometimes, yeah. You're probably really good at swings. I was really good at swings. It's really too bad that's not a useful skill as an adult. I think I was really good at swings because I got so much more time than the other kids whose parents cared about them. You know what? This is becoming a real thing. 10,000 hours.

It's not depressing. It just makes perfect. It's good. There was a cartoon called Inside Out Boy, the kid that went all the way around the swings. Oh, I hated that. Acclamation. That stressed me out so bad. All his shit was he was in Piaudubi infected.

But, you know, it's neither here nor there. There was always that time, though, you try to jump off the swings, and you did it from a little too high, and you get that thing where it's not really an injury, but it just really hurts your ankle for a second, and you're like, and then you're fine. Go to Cooke's Land. You can see adults doing that all day. I was an adult it happens so often

oh my god my chin would smash through my fucking femur it would disgust me if you do it you see adults trying it on kook slams they just get all tangled up

and they're swinging what are you talking about kook slams what the fuck is kook slams people falling like funny falls I'm sorry is this a YouTube channel

I don't know you just google kook sl know it's in the group thread in my in my south dakota group thread i think it's an instagram oh okay it's just like people like trying to skimboard and like missing the board man that seems like a weird place i'll have to ask i'll have to ask them alaska is there a north dakota south dakota snobbery like is there like is there a rivalry? Everybody in South Dakota is not fond of North Dakota. Is it vice versa? Maybe North Dakota is the same, but I don't, you know, I'm not worried about what they're saying.

They have less going on than you guys do. Of course they hate you. I don't know. I don't know what that was supposed to mean. Yeah, I think I have a, yeah, there's been a couple times I could have gone to South Dakota, but I've never had a reason to go to North Dakota at all. There you go. There's a reason to go to North Dakota at all. There you go. There's a reason to go to South Dakota, because it's awesome.

Okay. Swings are fun. I do like swings. I do. Every time I thought about jumping off, cowardice prevailed. Oh, you never did? Nah. What about when you sat on each other?

That's probably a girl thing. No, yeah. That's how we like scissored on the swings. Scissored on the swings, yeah. Yeah, I definitely have moments that I look back on and I was like, that was not appropriate. Sexual awakening. Yeah, I was like, that was not appropriate. Why did my parents let me do that with the other kids? Your face is literally in their boobs.

Like when they're sitting on you. I definitely, I have like real embarrassing memories from when I was a kid. Like my favorite game was like, let's tie each other up. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I was just like, there was nothing explicitly sexual about it, but it was just like my, I had a clear love of the game. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was something brewing. Freaked out the other parents.

She is very confident about how bad she wants to do that. She's very good with knots also. Yeah. I just imagine another pair of me like, you know, Kate's got a real love of the game. That's the best way to put it. She's doing it for the right reasons. You nailed it.

She's playing the game for the right reasons. Sean Patrick. Third pick. Yuck. I'm going to go with Show and Tell. Oh, nice. I love me some Show and Tell. I did.

I had a lot of Taekwondo trophies. Wasn't scared to bring them and brag about it i got all you ever brought in damn near oh my god was your class ever like can we see something else my dude trophies just trophies i don't know i probably brought in other stuff but i'd like baseball cards and stuff but trophies were my i was excited to bring in. Why wouldn't you? My Taekwondo trophies. You should have brought the nunchucks in, but they probably wouldn't have been confiscated. Also, Selena Gomez hadn't come out yet,

so it wouldn't have had the same power. Yeah, she wasn't even born. Probably wasn't born. I was actually interested in seeing like, what other kids had. It was the first time I was like, oh, look at that. It was the best.

You're figuring out jealousy. You ever have any kids tell? It was a lot of showing. I don't know what the tell was doing in there. The tell is you talk about why the object is important to you. It's show and tell, not show or tell. We had one kid just tell once. Really? That's not in the story. Now he has a whole other family. It was, well,

I mean, the tell one time, I can't remember. It's just all somber, puts a light on his head. Well, I think it was during a show and tell when a girl in our class told us that her dad died while panning for gold in Eastern Oregon. Wow. Is that a lethal occupation? Well, you can die doing anything. Anything's lethal if you're bad enough at it. The rocks were very big.

They had to pan it for gold. He was like, it's a scorpion. In Oregon? He thought it was a big piece of gold. This is a gold alive scorpion. Is that really true? No, no. He put it in his mouth to bite it to make sure it was real gold.

And it turned out to be a scorpion. Stung him in the eye, which is the only place where it's lethal. Man, I don't think my school had show or tell. And tell. Show and tell. Yeah, show or tell. You could either go up and say my blanket

from when I was a child or you can hold up the blanket and then the next person goes up one thunder egg you went to elementary school

at a coffee shop yeah I brought speaking of thunder eggs hell of thunder eggs I brought those oh man yeah

I brought the chauffeur I had from as a kid, which was like a hollowed out. A chauffeur? It's a Jew thing. It's like a hollowed out horn that you can blow. Right. Yeah, I know. You're Jewish? 100% bar mitzvah and everything.

I thought you were saying like your chauffeur, like someone that drives you around. No, no. He wasn't allowed in our school. It wasn't allowed in our school. It wasn't allowed in our school. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I went to public schools, all right? Mm-hmm.

My parents were divorced. Yeah, I didn't know my dad until I was well into middle school. It was hard for us. Sean, what's your fourth pick? Not knowing my dad. I was well into middle school. My fourth pick is going to be...

It's getting tricky now. This is kind of weird. I don't know if this ever would have got picked, but we're down to number four. It's making friends for real. Like making friends for the first time. Deciding, hey, who do I have? Look at, I have this in common with this kid.

Not in preschool. Our parents don't work together. I just like you. You're out in the wild. And preschool doesn't really count hey who do I have look at I have this in common with this kid not in like preschool our parents don't work together yeah I just like you you're out in the wild and preschool doesn't really count

because you're like four you don't quite know what you're doing everyone's a friend yeah you're just like whatever but in I remember in elementary school

I was like Adam Dickinson's into Transformers I'm into Transformers let's play after school yeah Smith had a pool so he had a lot of friends

a lot of friends Smith has a pool i like swimming i want to be friends with pool parties man the pool party kids were the most popular we'd be like smith uh we swim in and he'd he'd like every two or three months if you guys just fuck he swore too he'd be like he's fucking my pool you just fucking use me for a pool and we're like not completely you know but you got one you know who's one of my friends with a pool head gums own marty michael that's crazy yeah i'm gonna start going to his house now well yeah it's back home in oregon it might not be worth the squeeze but please i'm sure it's kind of weird this conversation is making me realize that being

a kid is kind of like being a dog. You just run around in packs. Just figuring it out. Someone is the weird alpha, you know, and then someone gets taller, gets boobs, and then they're the alpha. Yeah, maybe. That was me. And you literally just run around and there's no... Like crazy little chihuahuas. Yeah.

Just nuts. I just, yeah, I enjoyed making friends. I still, Sean Smith, I know I brought him up a bunch because that's what drafting, but elementary school. But I've known the kid for 31 years. Wild. Damn, wow, that's a long time. And I'm never going to shake him now.

You're 28. Huh? Which is crazy because you're 28. Yeah, yeah. We're going to start lying about your ages. Do the math. Do the math. Do the math, dog.

With my jeans on. And my team strong. Kate Willett, it's time for your fourth pick. Okay, my fourth pick is going to be The Secret Lives of Teachers. Oh, that's a great pick. There are teachers that I look back on that I remember from elementary school, and I totally realized that they were just like super stoners, like teachers that were like banging each other.

Totally. realized that they were just like super stoners like teachers that were like banging each other i just i know some elementary school teachers at this point and some of them are just like so stonery you know that's a hundred percent bringing up teachers that you know now as an adult and you're like whoa yeah i see i see you when you're not at school yeah it's fantastic i had a lot of those in middle school not many in grade school. Yeah. It's fantastic. I had a lot of those in middle school. Not many in grade school. Grade school is pretty straight-laced. We had a lesbian PE teacher. Everyone did. That's like a rite of passage. Yeah, I remember.

Miss Fellers, dude. Yeah, I remember hearing the parents whisper about it. Like, you know, is she a lesbian? Wait, in California? Well, this was a while ago, and it was also a Christian school. So that was part of it. well this was a while ago and it was also a Christian school so that was part of it but yeah I just

I remember the parents like whispering like oh is she a lesbian and I was like of course I remember have you ever seen a lesbian she's teaching us how to play pickleball I feel like when I realized that I liked women

I was like I hope someday my paths cross with a nice PE teacher. Oh, that'd be the life of his life. Date a PE teacher. Yeah. See the other side of the coin. Yeah, exactly. But I remember we had this one teacher that was a third grade teacher.

And she was living just, I think, his roommates and friends with this guy who ran the after-school program and i remember the other parents talking about it how it was like scandalous that like these two this man and this woman were sharing an apartment um i yeah i don't know if it was because it was a christian thing or the attitudes back then or what but it was just i was now i'm like of course they were, like, they probably made $20,000 a year. They're just people. Obviously, they were living with roommates, you know?

It's not like Harvard professors. Yeah, but it must be a weird thing to be a teacher and just to have, like, especially if you're a teacher in an area that's, like, not too woke. You know, you got parents scrutinizing your lives. You smoke pot every day, but you're really trying to not seem like a stoner so that the parents don't get mad. You have to try to figure out if one third grader is smarter than another third grader. Can you imagine having to do that right now and try to parse how smart one third grader is compared to another one? Who gets to go to Yulee and who doesn't get to go to Yulee?

I don't think I could do it at all. I'm like, well, they both seem very eloquent about squirrels. They both know the alphabet. I hate them both. They both know what a square is, but can't draw it. Is that what you want? They both stare at me like I'm dead all day and pick

their nose and eat it. I mean, yeah, they're even. Save the world. Yeah, A's for both of them. This one is only A, but it's time for him to start wearing deodorant. What a rough conversation. So Jason's got to wear deodorant. I mean, they killed deodorant.

I didn't know. I had such a straight-laced grade school, I think. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong. But like, it was, yeah. I don't remember any teachers being scandalous or anything like that. I don't know. They didn't seem scandalous. That's the thing. Even looking back. I don't know. They didn't seem scandalous. That's the thing.

Even looking back, I don't think any. I remember a bunch of frantic, barely hanging on teachers. I remember a bunch of those where looking back, I'm like, fuck, they were on edge constantly. Ours were all late middle-aged, pleasant, scholarly, but I think it's an Oregon man. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Mine were all old, but also all of the students' parents, because in my school,

I had like 50 kids in it. I feel like there was always a kid who had a mom as a teacher, and it was just like, I was lucky. We didn't have the luxury of secrecy. I know where you live. I know your address.

I know your children. I know your husband. I know everything about you. I will find you. Finding out where a teacher lived was crazy. Oh! I proposed to my second grade teacher. Finding out where a teacher lived was crazy. We knew. I proposed to my second grade teacher. I brought in, she was reading a book on Valentine's Day and I just got up, walked.

Wait, proposed as into marriage? I walked up. I got down on one knee and I go, Miss Andrus, will you marry me? Lothario. In front of the class? What did she say? She laughed for like 20 minutes. That was like the first funny thing I did where I was like, it's pretty cool having

everyone laugh because you did something funny. Were you trying to be funny? Yeah. Well, I didn't think we were going to get married. I don't know. Second grade, maybe. I put a rubber snake in a girl's desk on Valentine's Day. I can't really connect to whatever that logic was.

It was definitely not a phallic thing. It was just like, she'll think that's funny. Then we'll get married as third graders. Did you sign it? Did I sign the snake? How'd you know who it was from? I was going to take it and be like, ah! And I would be like, yours truly did that.

You're welcome. And you can look forward to all sorts of fun surprises like that for the duration of our 100-year relationship. How did it go? Not well. I think a teacher saw me putting it in there, and they're like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh. It's just a snake yeah get married yeah the secret lies of teachers

great Miel this time for you a fourth pick yeah baby okay I'm choosing field trips yeah I can't believe they lasted this long we all went to different field trips

which is pretty fun yeah what if we didn't though wouldn't that be wet nuts if you guys all went to the Laura Ingalls Wilder Village in South Dakota every year. It was 400 hours on the bus. I really liked field trips, especially because being from an island, it was an overnight thing.

You couldn't just go up and come back home. Oh, man. It's like an overnight trip. You island brats, huh? I know. And sometimes you get put because we couldn't get school funding to take the bus. So it was like, what do they call them? Not chauffeurs when the parents would drive. Chaperones. Got chauffeurs on the brain. You know, those old chauffeurs who you don't talk to. Parents.

Parents love it when a bunch of brats are like, what's up, you chauffeur? Drive me across the island overnight. That's how you treat them, you know, because like we're going to Mount St. Helens. I'm not going to talk to you. I went to Mount St. Helens. You're just the DJ and hopefully I'm in the car with the kid that I have a crush on because that way I get some face time. Not out of school, but it's forced. So the K-Beg can't

not invite me. Fuck yeah. You guys know what I'm saying. Ape Caves, Fort Vancouver, downtown Portland Economic District. We went to a Doc Martens factory. What? In downtown Portland. That's the most Portland thing I've ever fucking heard in my life.

Water Purification Plant in Laura Ingalls Wilder Village. Those are very sad. Bonneville Dam. The ghost town. Bonneville Dam. Victoria, the island in Canada. You know, that's a place. Oh, for a field trip.

Yeah, well, the ferry goes right there. High T, Bouchard Gardens. What'd you get into? In Victoria, I think it was mostly whatever the fuck museum is they have there. Oh, yeah. And then Sydney, you know. Some Canadian thing. Yeah, you know.

It was fun. Celebrating there. Insignificant tiny victories. Get him, Marissa. Pretend. Get him. She's seething. I've never seen her seething before.

This is the first time Marissa, she's got a machine gun that's just shooting out butterflies and the butterflies are giving me the middle finger. And the butterflies all look like maple leaves. Excellent field trips. It's time for my fourth and then final pick. We'll make the final round a speed round.

Okay. As we are reaching the limit of our time here today. For my fourth and then final pick. We'll make the final round a speed round as we are reaching the limit of our time here today. For my fourth pick, I'm going to take Field Day. Did you guys have Field Day? I loved it. That wasn't even on my list. I forgot Field Day.

Field Day was at the end of the year. It was like super recessed. All day was recessed. We played like... That's what that comes from. The expression have a field day. Have a field day. Yeah.

You never did it where you got like the. No, I've never known what that's. Okay. Not to sidetrack us. Sidetrack. But my favorite thing is when you experience something and you realize where a classic expression comes from. Yeah.

Like have a field day. Yeah. Or mine that I like now is let's get this show on the road. Now that I'm schlepping a lot of stuff around, I'm like, let's get this show on the road. And I'm literally getting my show on the road. Throw Kosh into the wind. Throw Kosh into the wind is a fun one. Throw Kosh into the wind.

What was your favorite field day? What's throwing Kosh into the wind about? We don't know, but Sean thought it was throw Kosh into the wind. Like a guy named Kosh. Yeah, yeah. I just thought it was short. He into the wind. Like a guy named Kosh. Yeah, yeah. I just thought it was short. He's being cast out. And on this, in this very chair.

Walk headlong into the wind. In this very chair, hung over as you could be. I go, wait, is Kosh short for caution? And David lost his mind. Revealed on this very podcast. Yeah, I guess it is. That is so embarrassing. And then somebody found a stand-up clip where I said it no more than a year ago

throw Kosh into the wind I said it on Good Looks and they posted it in the Reddit and I still haven't seen it I'm going to watch it tonight shout out to the Reddit

oh my god my favorite Portland's YouTube thing ever was did you see Curtis Cook's niece posted on his YouTube comments

his niece his 8 year old niece posted in his YouTube comments Uncle Curtis niece? His niece, his eight-year-old niece posted in his YouTube comments, Uncle Curtis, why are you swearing? It was so cute. Oh my God. I love her. She's in for a rude awakening.

Shout out to her. He swears. Yeah, he does. Curtis swears. Don't you hear your favorite activity at field day? We had a water balloon toss. It was really fun. That's cool. There was a giant ball that you had to keep knocking along as you ran.

There was the shuttle run. There was putting something in a big parachute and throwing it up. Yeah, the potato sack race. The egg race. Oh, the egg race. That was my favorite. It was just awesome. You'd do one wild activity, and then they'd blow the whistle.

You'd move to the next station. That was one whole day. I feel like all the teachers were like, let's just wear these kids out. Yeah. For the whole summer. For the whole summer. For their poor parents. It was rad.

I loved it. I loved it. I was always one of those kids that wanted to run. Well, there were about two years where I didn't, where I wouldn't run the mile. But all the other times, I was like, well, no, I want to see. I want to know how I do. Ew. I always tried playing sports when I was in gym and all that. Sports. mile but every all the other times like well no i want to see i want to know how i do like i always

tried playing sports when i was in like gym and all that sports i'm just so upset you liked running the mile that makes i just wanted to see if i could do it in like seven minutes or something okay brag more could you really it took me like 25 25 yeah no i couldn't do it in seven minutes but scott johnson always you were drop kicking that's why i have a space tattoo drop kick yeah drop kick. Double jump front kick. Now for the fifth round speed round. I'm going to kick it off by taking...

Fifth round speed round. Getting to use that big ass paper slicer. That was... Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Remember that sound? And then seeing Michael Myers use it as a weapon

years later. Was it Michael Myers? I think so. Somebody used it. Hobo with a shotgun maybe? These cuts are way too deep. But yeah, getting like to use it

on construction paper. That is a really, it's a deep cut. So satisfying. And it's about a cut. Yeah, deep, deep cut.

It's a lot of responsibility as a kid. Deep cut cut. I could lose all these fingers. Truly, so dangerous. Why are we allowed to have that?

Nothing, not sex, not television sets, nothing has ever been as satisfying as getting to use that for the first time. Sex and television sets. What do you mean? You know what they say. That's what this life is about.

So yeah, using that big ass paper cutter. Love it. Miel Breda, time for your final pick. Woo, you ready for this? Yep. I feel like I was probably the last generation that used this. And I am choosing Oregon Trail. Oh, yeah. Thank you. That was mine. Thank you. I didn't want to pick the last generation that used this. And I am choosing Oregon Trail. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. That was mine. Thank you. I didn't want to pick. It would have been gauche. You were one of my last picks. Yeah. My favorite thing to do was name everyone in my camp after different people I had a crush on.

Yeah. And let fate decide which one survived and then pursue that one. It was a really good strategy. Just Sean spelled like four different ways. Rory has the inferior. I figured out how to win that game. How? a really good strategy. Just Sean spelled like four different ways. I figured out how to win that game. How?

You have to rest frequently. That's how I learned about self-care. I'll tell you how you don't win. You punch all the time. Did you? Yeah. So that was like

a universal thing, right? Oregon Trail? I only think probably people younger than me don't know what it is. Really? I'm guessing, yeah. I think they still have it.

Don't they have hyped up versions now? I have actually no idea. Yeah, right. I'm guessing, yeah. I think they still have it. I think they've... Don't they have, like, hyped-up versions now? I have actually no idea. Yeah, they polished it up a little bit. Can you still die? Yes. And, like, hunt buffalo all day?

That's about life. Yeah. Show me a part of L.A. where you can't die and hunt buffalo all day. It's about real life. Fair enough. Glendale's lousy with buffalo.

Lousy. Oregon Trail, great pick. Kate Willett, your final pick. This one was a hard choice for me. I almost picked smelly markers. Remember those? Oh, I know. You don't want to shove them up someone's nose.

Yes. Those were pretty fun. The ones that like the yellow smelled like banana and the orange smelled like orange. I would always get too aggro and then have a little marker on my nose like a coke addict. Yeah, exactly. Just like a little bit of white on the nose. Totally. All the teachers drinking coffee smoking cigarettes. You like a little bit of white on the nose. Totally. All the teachers drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes.

You guys see Carmel? He's doing bumps at lunch. Losing it. Yeah. And I mean, and then one would run out. And then there was always just the weird kid that was like sniffing the marker. You'd throw it at the teacher. Give more markers.

But I think I'm going to go with slumber parties. Oh, yeah. Sure. I love slumber parties and I liked elementary school slumber parties because you get to stay up late watch a movie pizza pajamas you get to see your friends pajamas yeah I also remember a lot of really weird

things happening at slumber parties like we would definitely hurt each other sometimes. Oh, yes. Emotionally and also physically. Yes. But I feel like it was part of becoming an older kid. Yeah, you gotta figure stuff out.

Yeah. Pre-sexual sexual stuff. Pre-sexual sexual stuff is weird. Like, truth or dare, show me your boobs. Like, if we lie naked in the same bed, is that sex? Yeah.

That was a question that came up a lot. Yeah, or just, like, trying to a lot. Or just like trying to, like, I just remember like being an eight year old and like pooling our resources for like what we knew about sex.

Yep. And then there was only one kid who like really, there was always one kid that like really, really knew the truth and it was like,

ew, we don't need this much of a bath. That's not what I thought it was at all. Yeah. Or like trying to figure out how tampons worked. Yeah. That was fun. Yeah. Yeah. I never at all Or like trying to figure out how tampons worked

That was fun Yeah I never figured it out Trying to figure out if there were new cuss words out yet Yeah exactly I got suspended once for saying piss Piss? That's not even a real swear word

And then I lied And said that the only reason I said it is Because that was actually my uncle's first name. Oh, Piss Willett. Oh, Piss Willett. Oh, my God. They believed you? No, they didn't.

Of course they didn't. Dude, Piss Willett invented a certain kind of whiskey. We're Irish. It's Scalic. I was like, yeah, that's actually his name. Piss Willett's private reserve is like $600 a bottle. Coveted. Oh, God, that's actually his name. Piss Willett's private reserve is like $600 a bottle. Coveted, dude. Oh, God, that's funny.

I'm surprised you didn't say you were just singing Chumbawumba. That's probably what I was going to say. Piss Willett. Oh, my God, that's funny. Imagine naming your kid Piss. You could. You could name your kid anything. It could happen.

There probably is a kid out there named Piss. Do we have a name for the birthday cake? Piss. Write it down. It's a religious thing. You wouldn't understand. My dad and his dear brother Piss. You know what the best part is?

Is getting a bunch of grownups in a room and all laughing hysterically at the word Piss being a first name. It's still good. It's the best. It's so funny. You were telling jokes as a child. That's hilarious. Oh my gosh. You should bring that back. Why'd you say piss? It's my uncle's first name.

You know they laughed about it later. They probably still do. If they're alive they probably still laugh about that. Sean, you're my best friend. I love you so much. And it's time for your final pick. Alright. Back at you, man. I'm going to go ahead and pick gluing things. Oh, very good. Were you a glue stick man?

Glue stick or Elmer's? Big, big difference. Elmer's. All the way. Okay. Things together or onto your finger, peeling it off? Just fucking around with glue, kind of. I would love to do the whole hand and then try to peel off a hand.

That was the last time you ever used glue. When am I ever using glue again? It was elementary school. I don't know, crafternoons as an adult. Don't shame me. I love glue.

Crafternoons? I have three bottles of glue in my house and I'm 28 years old. As long as it isn't, I'm glad this isn't a video so there's not a visual of my jaw just hanging

open when you said the word crafternoon. What was the sound effect of the podcast? It sounds like a drobbet falling open. Hi, I'm Piss. I'm here for the crafternoon. Uncle Piss's crafternoon surprise. I think that was an MTV show. Would you eat that food?

Would you eat that if somebody cooked it for this Uncle Piss's crafternoon surprise? Yeah, because probably a fucking rice cake with peanut butter on it is not going to be good. Oh, I'm outnoon Surprise. Yeah, because it's probably a fucking rice cake with peanut butter on it. It's not going to be good. Oh, I'm out of breath. Oh, no. I'm over that, man.

If Uncle Piss was coming over, I would leave. I'd still leave. Hey, guys, Uncle Piss here. Making your Crafternoon Surprise. What do you mean you like Uncle Piss drive you over? What do you mean you don't like the Buick? He doesn't even have a steering wheel. No, it's just rods.

You can see the ground through the floor. Oh, Uncle Piss is crafting in the grass. He smells very sour. Very sour, but you can't tell what it is. It's because he cross-country skis all the time. Oh, God. It just smells like old piss and used skiis yeah what a fun way to cap it off god okay yeah excellent draft all around man uh i kicked it off uh the first one we're taking back to school shopping and then the scholastic book fair i'm nothing if not a capitalist

science fair field day and then using the big ass paper cutter. Brad Eyre, you went second. You took Breakfast for Lunch Day, In Class Halloween Party, Snow Days, Field Trips, and the Oregon Trail Computer Game. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Kate Willett, you went third. You took Playing the Recorder, Silent Reading Time, Swings, The Secret Life of Teachers, and then Slumber Parties.

Excellent picks. Strong for a showing. Sean Jordan, you went last year at the caboose on the train, and you went recess, getting picked up and dropped off by your parents and not thinking it was whack. Show and tell. Making friends. For real. And then you capped it all off with gluing things.

That makes me feel really bad. Yeah. That sounds like a good time to me. That's a good day. We left a lot of great stuff on the board. Pencil sharpeners. Pencil sharpeners. Laser disc players.

Those big pink erasers. Talent shows. Getting the metal part of a pencil super hot and then burning your friend on the arm with it. Electric pencils, too. Your writing blisters. Yeah. Talent show.

Learning cursive. Chocolate milk made its way in there. Scantrons. Asking to see a girl's Lisa Frank binder. Oh, Lisa Frank binders. Lisa Frank binders, yeah. They don't teach cursive anymore. It's crazy.

Why would they? I don't know. I still write in cursive. In Portland, they still teach cursive, but it's the indie rock band. They still teach Latin. All right, everybody. It's cursive time. We just listened to an album.

We're going to move on from YOLA Tango. It's cursive time. We just listened to an album. We're going to move on from Yola Tango. It's time for cursive. Those are all great picks. Those are good shit. Valentine's Day, I enjoyed. Oh, the cards. Yeah. Everybody had to give everybody.

That was on my list, too. Valentine's Day, right? Yeah. I had dirty jokes when they actually meant something. When they meant something. Yeah. When you were like, wait, what is that feeling? They were all like 10 minutes long.

I had an uncle piss. I was right in my own. You know all about the dirty jokes. You're the hardest one. It was another great episode. Thank you for joining us. Shout out to, and do you have any shout outs?

Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Oh dude, everyone that came out in Austin. Fantastic. Shout out to everyone that came out in Austin. Shout out to everyone that came out in Austin. Shout out to everyone that came out to see you.

Yeah, when I was out, when I was in Milwaukee and in Minneapolis and Sioux Falls. Everybody's fucking fantastic. Keep sending emails. Please. I love it. We love it. Send emails. Send DMs.

Some brief specific ones. Shout out to Neil Ruby. Can I shout out your fan that likes me on this podcast and I have petitioned to harass you about it daily from different accounts and they're actually doing it? Yes. So thanks to you. I don't remember your name. Whoever you is. Shout out to you.

Yeah. So yeah. Shout out to everyone. Everybody. Go to subscribe and give us five stars on whatever platform. And write an iTunes review. Yeah. Write an iTunes review.

Please do. It helps tremendously. This is turning into, boy, if i could ever do this for a job it's good we're good i mean it's it's a thing that doesn't seem so absurd because like do that we had so much fun on the live show in austin it's something we want to do again but uh i work a goddamn day job and so does sean and zach and uh david doesn't never will but the rest of us do and uh yeah so all that shout out to you and tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything all leger girl that was a hate gun podcast