All Fantasy Everything - Heights (w/ Brittany Carney)

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Not, like, buildings — how tall people can be.Guest:Brittany Carney (IG @brittany.goblin.carney)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting heights that people can be. Our guest today is the wonderful stand-up comedian Brittany Carney. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me, as always, are my friends and stand-up comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that forgot to close the office door,

so it's probably annoying its wife right now. There we go. All right. Brittany, you can talk whenever now. Now we're in it. Okay. Thank you so much for having me, guys. What an honor. It's all happening. It's a pleasure to have you. Yeah, I'm stoked. Your decor in the background is pleasantly homely, but homie?

Homie, not homie. Homie. It looks poor. Homie. No, homely means ugly. Homely is ugly. No, wait. Homely is ugly. Comely is attractive, right? Comely is attractive.

Yeah, that's right. Really? That's actually a good... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come hither is like they're attractive, right? So I guess that's a good device for remembering it. That's one way. Hold on. Hold on. Comely

means attractive. Yes. I'm getting this right? That's right. I don't think you have to go so hard on the com as you did when you say it. It's insane to be like, you look very comely. I think you can maybe relax. Have you ever told someone they look

comely? I don't think one is derivative of the other is what I'm saying. You're saying it like, it's not like jizz with the L-Y. it like it's not like it's not like geez with the L Y. No, it's not like you look. Oh, you look very comely today. I think it probably went out of fashion around the time come

came into fashion as a word because if you add an L Y, it just makes it an adverb. So I've never heard jizzly, but I think it's pretty evocative. I don't like it. It makes me feel bad. Also, all of you guys have good... You have

comely decorations in your back. I just have my little strawberry. That was by design. That's what we told the decorator. I was like, I want to look weird comely in here. I'd love to see it. Jizz walls, you said to them. And they responded in kind.

Have you ever looked at the colors of whites for walls? There's mayonnaise and eggshell. There's so many different kinds. I have something to say on this subject, actually. So I just was looking at sheets.

I was in target and the sheets there was a sheet like a color of sheet that was called sour cream which i thought felt so gross like yeah it's not like you gotta go with something more like at least a crisper dairy you know what i just say like winter winter, I guess, is cream, right? Call it Greek yogurt, at least. Sour cream has got to be the most confident food of all time, where they were like, we've invented this new thing that you put on food.

What do you call it? Sour cream. Sour cream. It's thick and tart and clogging. Gross, nasty cream. You know the worst thing that can happen to cream? That's what we've called it. Spoiled. Of all the condiments i want to lay on a bed of it is the least i know i'm confused about the focus group behind that you know what were the other options oh uh i don't know because i was

looking at the off-white variety because you know it was like usually you see like a cottage cheese aioli the missus told me that we're in a we're in a greige phase right now it's very popular I called that years ago

on this podcast you didn't eat it's like a grey i called that years ago on this podcast you didn't eat but that it's like a gray but with some brown in it so it glows more gray like a warmer gray like a warmer gray are you wearing a gray shirt as you say that i think this is just a stand i wish i was it's just a standard gray you're just that's really baby boo's really in right now from what she's also i think we're going through a season of throwback mlb all-star hats the panettone color of the year is having a mustache uh what the hell were we talking about sheets gotta get sheets i got my sheets at target

two threshold is that the brand i love threshold it's okay yeah but you know it's just accessible gotta get sheets I got my sheets at Target too Threshold I love Threshold it's okay yeah but you know it's just accessible and I didn't get sour cream I got oh actually I got a gray I got like a it feels like a green gray I think like an old olive

I think a moldy olive type gray yeah yeah exactly it's been sitting out too long I think millennial there is this idea of millennial gray for a minute I think your shirt is millennial gray so maybe grayish

as your wife described is like coming out of a certain aesthetic era of cold it's like let's bring it to life a little bit. Like the bare white walls, the minimalist sort of aesthetic. You mean just Los Angeles?

Gen Z literally put a Z into gray, and then they've claimed it as their own. It's grayish. I'm happy to know that they can read. Grayish has a Z? I didn't think grayish. I was trying to be like, wait a minute. I can't read. I don't think it does, but the way it's Jewish. You know how the way it's Jewish is a Z? I didn't think Grace has a Z I'm unfortunate to know that I can't read I don't think it does but the way zhuzh

you know how the way zhuzh is like Z-H-U-Z-E that kind of thing that's how you spell zhuzh? that's how one could spell zhuzh in fact I think it is because we had to put it into scripts every now and then is there a way to spell zhuzh?

is it a real word? zhuzh is a word I always word? Zhuzh is a word. I always thought it was like stank. I think stank is a word too. Like in a dictionary? Probably no. Zhuzh is Z-H-U-Z-H. What did you say?

Z-H-U-G-H? Z-H-U-Z-H. So stank is a pond or a pool or a ditch containing water. Yeah, that's what I was saying. Stank? Past tense of stank? There's a bunch of tadpoles in the stank.

It's ridiculous. But I think that you can say in English the sheet stank of sour cream. But then obviously stank is taken on its own colloquial put some stank of sour cream like right right obviously stank has taken on its own colloquial stank on it yeah yeah

yeah I don't think of it in the past sense of stank stank on you it's important work that we're doing at the top of the podcast so that we can all agree everybody learn learn some stuff before we get into heights Sean Jordan is here Sean S Jordan on Twitter Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on. Sean Jordan is here. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram.

Sean Jordan is a comedian on YouTube. Is that what the fuck it is? Sean Jordan comedian on YouTube. God damn it. Hey, buddy. Thank you. God damn me. Thank you. Yeah. And Sean Jordan on tour with the fellas.

Coming up. Here we go. June 11th we start. I'll rip off the dates. If you haven't heard the dates, you're not listening to the show, but the dates as it goes. New York City, June 11th, June 12th, Philly, June 13th, back to New York. Round two, baby. June 14th, Washington, D.C., June 15th, Toronto,

T-Dot, June 16th, going to Boston, going to Boston, kid. 618, going to Pittsburgh, 619, Cleveland, 620, Detroit, 621, Chicago, 622, Minneapolis. Come see Boston, kid. 618, go to Pittsburgh, 619. Cleveland, 620, Detroit. 621, Chicago, 622, Minneapolis. Come see the live show. Chicago is sold out. It is sold out. So if you wanted to be in

Chicago at the show, you cannot. Might as well drive to Cleveland. Drive to Cleveland, bro. Where in D.C. will you be? The Black Cat. Ooh, nice. Yeah, great. I started comedy in DC, so. It was one of what two of the most fun times I've

ever had ever in comedy were in DC. Yeah, with these two dipshits. It was the second time. The improv, bro, when we went to recessions. January 6th. January 6th. It was pretty funny that Biden thought he won

that election, so it was a comedy. Yeah, when we went to recessions and I was dancing to TLC and you took that video. We were drinking those giant beers. The man walked in dancing. What TLC song was it again? Baby, Baby, Baby. He wasn't even singing it. Jamel was singing

it and you came out of the bathroom and you were like, oh, and you just started. He was low dipping. Were you rolling dice too? Oh yeah. I was rolling dice.

I was doing that. I was doing the knee thing where you keep your knees together, but whatever it was. Yeah. That's a classic move. The mogul. Classic dance move. It's where I'm like,

oh, you're a good dancer. You can keep your legs together, but move them. Any other locales people can frequent to experience the Sean Jordan effect? Megan Gailey High Note comedy

in Portland. Yeah, Megan Gailey rules. You should go see Megan if you're around. She's going to be in Portland High Note last Thursday, May, and I'll be in Tampa, Florida with Kyle Kinane at SideSplitters May 29th through June 1st, I think. Whatever. Come to the AFE tour. That'll be the fun stuff. David Boreas here. CoolGuyJokes87.

Oh, yeah. CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Oh, yeah. Just sorry to interrupt you. I saw a Royal Crackers commercial during the NBA playoffs last night. Didn't hate seeing that. That was awesome. It's crazy. I was watching, too. Yeah, watch Royal Crackers on Max or adult swim.

And then max the next day, however you want. I think we have like three, four more episodes in the season. It's very funny. Very silly. Uh, but go to patrion.com backslash David Borey.

Uh, that's where all the information for my upcoming special that I'm shooting is going up and I have videos and trailers and I'm interacting on there. I'm on there. Some front facing shit. It's pretty good. You know, people about the feet pics.

What? I mean, that's behind the paywall. If you sign up for that $10 tier, I have picks of feet, not mine mine are bad but other feet the juxtaposition

David's feet on the sour cream sheets ooh baby it's worth the paywall you get me David's feet on the sour cream sheets that hurt my stomach that sucks despite that please still sign up for the patreon it's totally free all the content's totally free the special is gonna be 10 bucks what can you do i gotta make some money back

it's very funny special makes me laugh not so much now because i've beat it into the ground but when i wrote it i really liked it people i will say even though you've mastered it there is still so much life in the set which is how you know it's good yeah I've been taking time off of the set and just doing comedy like fun comedy so that when I come back I mean I'm gonna run it the weekend that we're

out and then this is all whatever it's any incentive to anyone Sean and I'll be there and you come wrestle us in the streets I'm gonna stand out front like a door guy. Can I do that? I'm with my all black and like I'm a piece. There's not an out front. It's only a back. I don't think you realize how little it you do. You've been there

in the back. It's where we recorded that podcast. There's definitely a front because I went in it. So I'm going to have a mini hoop set up. You can come get dunked on by Ian Carmel. That's part of that. Might be a good idea, though. I found a secret hoop by my art. This is this is

a kissing booth. There's a kissing booth. There's a talking booth. We gotta bring back kissing. Oh, sure. I feel like kissing is really gone by the wayside. I love kissing. Better than most other forms of intimacy.

It'll be a little devil who likes to kiss. Someone made me a t-shirt that said that one time. It is perhaps the most intimate way, isn't it? It really is. I love it. Snoopy little devil who likes to kiss. Someone made me a t-shirt that said that one time. You are a stupid. It is perhaps the most intimate way, isn't it? I think so. It's great. They don't kiss in porn, baby.

There's a reason. Bring that smooching. They don't have the time. Yeah, they got business together. They're on the clock. Yeah. Union mandated 15 after sex. I'm not going to stand around

at work kissing all day. Isaac, are the kids still out there smooching or what? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I don't know if I count at work kissing all day. Isaac, are the kids still out there smooching or what? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I don't know if I count as the kids, but... You're younger than me. You count as the kids. You're asking RLPD if people are kissing?

I don't know if he's the guy. I'm turning 30 this year. I don't know if I'm a kid. Are you? You're a kid right now. That's crazy because I'm turning 27. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah. Me too. I'm'm gonna be 70 congratulations awesome a gentleman 70 the most important guest today is britney carney britney.goblin.carny yeah on uh on instagram give her a follow please do uh debut special that is my horse yeah thank

you so much available nowailable now on YouTube. Please go watch. What else can we direct people towards? Isaac, this comes out on... May 9th? May 9th. May 9th. Alright, okay.

So I'm going to say May 9th, if that's the case. Please, first of all, watch my YouTube special. Yeah, it's half an hour. It's free. It's called That Is My Horse. Also, in general, on Instagram is where I post about most of my upcoming shows or road dates. And I will be in the Pacific Northwest, at least in Seattle, on June 27th at the Crocodile. I'm really excited about that.

And then if you're in New York on May 30th, I'm hosting showgasm at ours Nova. And I decided to make it old West theme because I went to Idaho and I got all kind of fucked up on the idea. So anyway, yeah. Phenomenal. Yeah.

Hell yeah. You should go to Portland too. You got it. When you, when that happens, send us the dates and we'll all Sean and I will that'll be amazing I really appreciate that come out such a wonderful comedy city

wait so you guys were in you were on the festival that I was on in Idaho right yeah we just left like the night before you did I think had you been there? Before you.

Once or twice. So it was my first time. I have a geography question, basically, because I feel like I got booked on that and then months passed, months passed, and then I didn't really think about geographically where I was going. And then I was like,

if anybody had told me that Idaho was, this is why Trump won, by the way. That and the popular vote, but yes. If anybody had said that Idaho was more east, like towards the

Midwest, I would have been like, oh, sure. Delta has a connection. But anyway, it really struck me how Western like, I don't know, somewhere in the Midwest, I would have been like, oh, sure. Yeah, Delta has a connecting flight. But anyway, I didn't, it really struck me how, like, Western Idaho is. And that it's just, the hotel pool had all these, like, 50-year-olds from Seattle that were, like, there and they kept talking to each other.

That sounds right. Take a break from Seattle, get away from the city a little bit. Like 50-year-olds who are tired of the liberal politics of Seattle kind of vibe? That vibe, kind of rich, maybe tired of that. You know, if you're a woman... Swinging. Yeah, if you're like a woman and you go to a hotel pool or hot tub and you're alone,

if I were a 50-year-old guy, my instinct would be not to try to like maybe start a conversation. But I don't know. I don't know how it is over there. So anyway, I learned about at least two or three like gentlemen that were that drove from Seattle to go skiing in Idaho. So anyway, my point is that I got really like excited about the aesthetic of the northern part of Old West. It's it's beautiful out there. I mean, like it is gorgeous, gorgeous country, especially like Boise is beautiful. But if you get out of Boise, there's like so many hot springs and like, oh, that's so cool. Oh, it's like everywhere up in Sun Valley.

Malicious, too. Like a lot of separatist white pride militias. So make sure you turn down the road to the hot spring. But the natural soul fights. I love when you realize that North America is so vast.

Oh, I love so many different countries. I'm a son of the Golden West. I love the West. I think that it's like so untamed and wild and you can just pull crazy shit oh yeah yeah i love all the west though washington california those are the only places i've ever lived or just go ahead and say oregon you can say oregon and you and you've lived in washington that's what i said washington california colorado yeah no it's great. It's all the wild, wild west and that's why you can just

see the craziest, I don't know. It's just wide open. Bro, you get into like Wyoming, like Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota. Nobody's asking, that's not the west. Nobody's asking you to include Wyoming. That's where the cowboys are.

What are you doing? Are you serious? Can you just try to throw that in? You asshole. For everybody listening, this is how they're like all the time to me. You can't just let us have, you can't let us talk about the beautiful Golden West

for one second without trying to pull Wyoming and then South Dakota into it. South Dakota compared to California? I'm going to kill you. Better. You're right. It is more peaceful. You don't even think that.

Yeah. Well, no, I don't. I do like it. How long have you been in Oregon for? I don't think it's better than California. That's just crazy. How long have you been on the West Coast for? 15 years?

South Dakota, they got houses. I mean, I was just saying, that's where the wild west started baby that's like that's where it is right you were talking about the wild west I gave you where it started fuck me so like in my head Oregon is like green okay oh oh somebody was

somebody in Boise was like Boise is kind of like Portland and then in my head that's not true South Dakota is like California if we're going to let that run it's the Portland-est part of Idaho I'll give them that guys with white dreadlocks

you know what I meant I get why people throw that out i understand why they say it but uh it occurred to me that in my head oregon is like kind of green like oregon if i extremely like it's like but also like literally and if someone were to say what if you close your eyes like what comes to mind and i've only been to portland by the way but in general i think of the like forest green like pine tree and then boise feels more it feels more grayish but in a nice way i just say it feels brown to me not like not like not like not like in the population but in the actual yeah

important distinction yeah it's in the it's on the wrong side of the cascade mountain rain uh yeah the little desert it's less comely than portland for sure but that's 100 true still still comely in its own right right portland's charming yeah i love a i love a city like where there's cute little shit and i and i that's kind of like my for example i uh it's my childhood in japan so i'm very curious all the time about where Japanese tourists go or where they're drawn to in the U.S. Japanese people love Portland

and on a very serious level. They love it. I was so struck by it. There's a lot of signs in Japanese and there's tourists walking around. And I think it's like Japanese people love where there's like cute arrangements in a city across certain city blocks and i'm not sure how far they're going into the rest

of the state but yeah anyway hopefully not too far yeah i mean there's a lot of unless they like natural and like unless they love the natural like you know there's like beautiful beautiful mountains and stuff like that but you know it's it gets a little redder the further you get out of Portland. Go to the coast. You're good that way. Yeah, yeah. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, TikTok, if that's still around at the time of this

dropping. Sean's gonna buy it. Sean's gonna buy it. Take a public IPO. You're gonna be a little more Dude, take a public IPA. You're going to be a little more apt to let South Dakota into the West as soon as I buy TikTok. My friend is going to let South Dakota into the West. You ain't got no TikTok? Absolutely not.

I'll do whatever I want with it. That's the border. My friend. My friend, be happy we let you into the West. All right? It's the middle of the West. This guy, the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper the gatekeeper you don't really think i mean i guess no no i'm just saying it's where like deadwood and i was

just saying that like that's where cowboys are like rodeos and shit that's all right it's like the untamed ridiculous shithead wild west still i would say that idaho is the middle of the venn diagram between Oregon and South Dakota, but Oregon and South Dakota don't touch except for you also being the middle of that. No, they don't.

They don't do it. Like culturally, like culturally to Venn diagram. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Interesting. Yeah.

Cause Idaho does feel a little more cowboy-y-er than Portland, but, or than Oregon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Eastern Oregon's pretty cowboy-ish. Yeah, is Oregon not that... Is Oregon not that cowboy-ish?

Because, like, outside of Denver... The desert is, for sure. We're cowboyed out over here. Grazing lands and whatnot. Grazing. Grazing. You can come see David... Oh, sorry, go ahead, Brittany.

No, no, no, please. I'll bring this point up later. You can come see David Borey and I At Comedy on State In Madison Wisconsin And David it is graduation weekend Y'all gonna get fucked I don't know what that I don't know what you're insinuating I don't know man

I think it's gonna be crazy in Madison I think it's going to be crazy in Madison. I think it's going to be insane. I mean, I'm ready for that. I was just there on spring break, so nobody was there, and it was Buck. I mean, it was still Buck. All the shows were sold out, still kids everywhere, and that was spring break.

This is Comedy on State? Yeah. Comedy on State? Thanks. All of our shows are not sold out, but we'll see. I'm sure they'll get some people in there. Graduation weekend, it's a hot zone.

The cheese will be melting. Oh my God. The cheese will be melting. This actually would have been an appropriate draft. I want to get a fresh curd off the vine. You want to know what color sheets I would get? Melting cheese. I'd get those. Yeah, right. It could be a lot of colors. I wouldn't care.

I'd prefer that to a sour cream color sheet. Like a sharp cheddar, like an aged cheddar sheet. I think I prefer that. Yowart? I'm going through a big provolone phase. You're going through a big provolone phase?

Yeah. I've been buying provolone up. You can't find it. Very sharp. Good melter, though. I put it on a turkey burger. Yeah, that'll do it. Because the thing about some sharper cheeses is they don't melt well. So I hear you with provolone. Yeah. Like a sharp cheddar is like a very

reticent melter. We'll talk about it. We'll have to have you back for the cheese. Okay. I'll drop it. So come see me there. Pre-order my book, T-Shirt Swim Club, 13 Essays About Being Fat with My Little Sister, coming in after every chapter, writing from a psychological, a clinical psychologist, not a psychological, a clinical psychologist perspective, commenting on all of that. Where else can you see?

I'm going to just say our dates again, and you're going to have to deal with it. Brooklyn at the Bell House on the 11th. Philadelphia at Underground Arts on June 12th. Back at the Bell House on the 13th. Black Cat in Washington, D.C. on the 14th. The Randolph Theatre in Toronto, Ontario

on the 15th. And then Arts at the Armory in Somerville, Massachusetts, which is Boston, on the 15th. And then Arts at the Armory in Somerville, Massachusetts, which is Boston, on the 16th. Bottle Rocket Social Hall in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on the 18th of June. And the 19th, Sean, shut up,

we're going to be at the Roxy at Mahal's in Cleveland, Ohio. Magic Bag on the 20th in Ferndale, Michigan. Chicago, it's sold out! It's too late. You blew it at the Den Theatre, Chicago, Illinois. And then on the 20th in Ferndale, Michigan. Chicago, it's sold out. It's too late. You blew it at the Den Theater, Chicago, Illinois. And then on the 22nd, we'll be at the Parkway Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota. And then I'll be opening for Ellen DeGeneres all summer.

So come out and see that. What are the dates? You got dates for that? I got to buy. Yeah. I mean, but like, I think they're all sold out. Yeah. I mean, those aren't that you need to plug. I was just wondering for me.

Spokane, the 23rd and the 24th. Portland, the 25th through the 27th. Eugene on the 28th. Santa Rosa, the 30th through July 2nd. And then it'll continue off from there. It's going to be real silly. Real silly times. Come see all of that.

Please pre-order my book. Pre-orders help so much. Now, enough about Ellen DeGeneres. Let's get into the reason we're here. We're drafting heights that people can be. Brittany, this was your idea. Yeah, it was my idea. I feel like there's a few disclaimers I want to bring up first,

considering it was my idea. First of all, obviously, everybody's a flower. Everybody's different. So I want to say that up top. obviously everybody everybody's a flower everybody's different but i just uh so i want um i want to say that up top while i am ascribing value to heights i don't mean to not also but i i'm here to do the job i was assigned for so i'm i'll do that with honor uh wait wait so you're making it seem like you are ascribing the higher values to the higher heights that sounds like oh that's not what's happening yet i'm just saying if i'm in the business for the moment of like commodifying heights like if heights are

cultural visual capital that's what i i have to you know don't hate the player i hate the game but i'm saying that all, every height is valid and everybody is beautifully different. So that's what I want to establish first. I think we echo that sentiment as a short King, you know, I'm happy. It's the only short guy on this podcast. You got to stop. It's not for you. It's just not yours. I just made all my short kings

at that one. You don't get that and then you get you understand what I'm saying? Can he be a tall king? Yeah. Easy. That sounds crazy. Shout out to the short kings, man. We're out here, you know? The reason this

is complicated before we go forward, I guess, is because like, how do I explain? There's like variables. Like you can, people can, you can perceive somebody as a certain height even if they're not that height and it's based on their personality or whatever, or like the way they look. Very common.

So that complicates this, but I guess, I don't know. Well, that's not complicating. The way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. I'm going to call it. Here we go. Rock, paper,

scissors, shoot. Oh, you guys. No, you do. We're going to do it. We're running it back. Just a practice round here we go rock paper scissors shoot oh Sean wins

unnatural flying in the face of God and logic and everything a paper defeats two scissors Sean as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that I will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that it's a great question it's like when you fill up an I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question.

It's like when you fill up an ice cube tray. You guys are still filling up ice cube trays. You start I do anyways. I fill all the water at the top row and then I go down one row and then I fill all those over to the left and then down and all those back over. So, you know, sort of like a snake.

Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, Sean, with that in mind, what will today's order be? I don't know. Can we just stop recording for a while? I don't know what I want to do. All right, that's it. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Yeah, we thought about it and we decided we're not going to do it. We can't do it. I'll go first. And then Ian, Brittany, David. Ooh. Okay. Hot corner. Nice.

I'm sandwiched. Nice. Interesting. All right. The order of today's draft is Sean, Ian, Brittany, David. We're drafting heights that people can be. And we're going to get to the first pick made by a beloved child of the Golden West, South Dakota's own Sean Jordan. Right after this short break.

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Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed. This is it. This is it. Throw in the and we're back heat like it's episode 193 or something. That's a big end. Oh yeah. We are so back. It's Sean Jordan. You have the first pick. In the heights that people can be

All fantasy, everything draft What is that height, my friend? And it's been documented on this show It's not a popular opinion But I do think that Joe Biden stole the election No, I think that I've always wanted to be I've always wanted to be A little bit shorter

And I've never had anybody Be like, oh, I totally see what you're saying. I don't know why. And I don't know if I honestly feel that way still, but most of my life I did. And I wanted to be, and this is what I've always thought the ideal height was, was 5'10". I wanted to be 5'10". I thought that's probably the max for a pro skateboarder when they look good on their board height. And so I've always... I don't know why. I've just always wanted to shave a few inches off. I understand that

sounds ridiculous to a lot of people. But for me, 5'10 is the ultimate height. That was my first pick. Isaac's 5'10. Isaac, you can pop on and say... Yeah, as a 5'10 person, it is not fun to be 5'10 Isaac you can pop on and say yeah as a 5'10 person it is not fun to be 5'10

I didn't think you were going to get my back as someone who's been lying about being a 5'10 person and had to come to terms with his own mortality because he just bought a bicycle I loved it I loved when I thought I was 5'10

what's wrong with being 5 10 isaac is that you're knocking on the door of six feet tall and we won't let you in it's just yeah it's like well we're almost there like if i was a straight you know i'm 5 10 and like a half but if i was 5 11 i can be like oh i'm kind of six feet with the right shoes i'm kind of six feet when i've had multiple women tell me that nobody's, they don't ever believe people who are 5'10". I don't know if that's just the women I'm dealing with. But I think it's a hype that people lie about a lot.

I lied about it for years. Because it's double digits. I didn't lie, I just didn't know. You get away from the five single digits, so you're into the five double digits. There's a natural rounding. I think on apps, or especially, not necessarily only,

but on apps, for example, it's like six feet and 5'10 are like, OK, no, he's 5'9. He's like he's 5'9 or 5'11. Yeah. Huh? Yeah. It's a liar's height. It's a classic liar's height, 5'10.

There are probably people out there who are 5'10, but do you think people who are actually 5'10", say they're 5'10"? You guys have spent a lot of time with me. You and me? Yeah. No, I'm taller than you, man.

I had no idea. I thought I had an itch on you. Says the 5'10 liar. Yeah, says the 5'10". Says the guy with the made- up height. I don't know. How do you lie about his height saying he's taller than David? It's a fake height. You sure you're 5'10

Isaac or you 5'9? You count the hair? You gotta count the salad in there baby. Of course I don't count the hair. If I count the hair then I'm 6 feet. Hell yeah. Did you say salad to describe hair? I never heard that. Hell yeah. Did you say salad to describe hair? I've never heard that.

Welcome to the West. Yeah. A lot of shit's different out here. I'm so confused about what that means. Remember that show Blowout with Jonathan Anton? Did you ever see that on the Bravo Network? Probably not. He's a hair designer.

Oh, I see. Like a famous hair guy. This is like 15 years ago. And he would call it salad. He'd be in the mirror and he's a hair designer oh i see like a like a this is like 15 years ago and he would call it sal he'd be like he'd go he'd be in the mirror and he's like my salad is banging right now so me and my buddy pete called it salad still still obviously was he like an entourage core hair designer like what was this dude's vibe right it yeah right he would have been right in the pocket designing like cutting ease hair he used to he used to put this shit he there was this one it was a whole show it's called blowout

and this dude he was putting this product in his hair one time and he's just looking in the camera and he's just like silky dirt dude get to know it and he's just crunching his hair he said all those words together that's exactly what he said silky dirt dude get to know

it and he's just crunching his hair and then he steps back and he's like yeah my salad is banging right now james corden's hairdresser the guy like for the show who has sent to who did my hair a bunch and who has since become a buddy is this guy jason who goes by the men's groomer and he's a total venice boardwalk love it the men's groomer we're gonna get in there dude what do you want to do what are you feeling today let me just get in there and like the whole time he's just like talking shit about whatever and then giving you the best haircut you've ever had in your entire life also the longest hair i've ever seen on a dude like doesn't cut like never cut his own hair

saves a lot of long-haired dudes portland i mean I guess not the longest hair I've ever seen that's the longest I've ever seen on a hairdresser like it's going away though the long hair up here it's the buns and stuff are going away that I love my toxic trait is I love a man and I love well I think I like um like long hair on any race of man is like I it. So I feel like it had its moment for the first time. Maybe it was like, obviously big in the seventies, early sixties, right?

Like Vietnam protest era. And then Lieutenant Dan. Right. Exactly. Right. Lieutenant Dan fan. Yeah. And how,

uh, Lieutenant Dan, before he was bound to wheelchair was how tall do you think as a character? I bet you. I bet about five, 10. Yeah. I seriously think as a character? I bet you I'm no shit. I bet about 5'10". I seriously think 5'10 is like right in there with the best picture.

I think Gary Therese is probably 5'5 in real life. As an actor he's 5'8 but I'd pretend Dan is the oh wait in the film is he an actor? No. He's like becomes no no. No he's a lieutenant. And then like

and then he lives out his like retired life there's like a scene with forest and he's got a wheelchair right well yeah but then he then he gets married he has got magic space legs i just saw it in theaters oh right i'm sorry to say pics but he's listed as he lists himself as five nine now what does that mean now what does that mean i looked up so chris rock is 510 george lopez and rodney dangerfield though the first one's wait a minute i've seen chris rock in person i think he's fine i mean i believe he's funny but he comes off as a more petite individual you don't oh that hurt my feelings i don't. Oh, that hurt my feelings. I don't know why. No, no, you have you. You come off as explicitly a lot taller, David. I'm serious because I'm really.

That's because I am. My issue with this was like, am I going to start like a men's rights activism? But I not that you guys are feeding into that. I'm just saying with chris rock he's an example of someone who maybe he's 5 10 but when i saw him in person well it was like at a comedy club and he like was near me enough to perceive his height he uh feels like someone that is shorter than you think they are. That happens a lot. I've noticed that with really tall

guys. I had friends growing up who were tall but not athletic and those guys always feel like they were trying to shrink. Did you have friends like that? Just like they didn't play basketball, they didn't play football or anything and they just always felt like they were running from it.

I was curious, Sean, the reason that you want to football or anything and they just always felt like they were running from it. I slouched. Actually, I was curious, Sean, the reason that you thought about not wanting to be 6'2", is it because it comes, I don't know, what is that? Does it come with a lot of expectations? It's going to sound like a poor me thing. It's just that you feel, I just felt, I don't know, I just felt

I always thought I was ugly. All this stuff and so I just maybe feel a little smaller. Mainly it comes from skateboarding. We don't need i just felt i always thought i was ugly all this stuff and so i just maybe feel a little smaller mainly it comes from skateboarding we don't need to dive in there but do you feel like but then do you feel like you would have felt like that at any height because it was just like you weren't happy with yourself like do you think that like if you were 5 10 you would be like oh at least i don't have to worry about my height because i'm perfect it i feel bad going down this road that's i i uh i'm pretty comfortable in my own skin these days but i honestly i think it's about six two i think it

goes back to skateboarding it honestly goes to skating i just think i've seen you talk about people and how they look on their boards yeah and you sound disgusted sometimes how are you really do it's like you be like, that looks so fucking stupid. I wish it wasn't disgusting. I can never tell when you're like, Hey, you have, you're such a connoisseur.

I can never tell. I'm like, that looks hard. Yeah. I thought that looks awesome. You're like, it looks fucking stupid. You're a fat pig.

Everybody out there. I'm actually nice. I don't actually. He's not. He's a terror. I don't know. For skating. Do you think it's like that. He's a terror. For skating, do you think it's like gymnastics where there's a certain height range that's more ideal?

I do. I think it's actually shorter than that, but I think I just think the best skateboarders have been about 5'10". I would guess that's probably the sweet spot. And it just looks cool. Look at Bam Margera height really quick

I don't have anything else to say he's a great skateboarder he is I know he is it's just such a good like walking through the mall ass pic 5'8 by the way anyway 5'10 we don't need it

time for me to make my first pick. We'll unpack a lot more, I'm sure. This is it. This is the connoisseur's pick, and I'm sorry just to pick my own height, but it is, in my opinion, the ideal male height. I feel powerful, but not awkward. Okay.

I feel statuesque, but not gangly. I feel like a, but not gangly. I feel like it feels like a protagonist's height. I am taking six foot three. It's right before the freaks. It's right before the freaks. It's last stop before the freak train. Six foot is a strong handshake.

It's the end. It's because it's like, I like six three because in in my head the way that i'm a fucking scared little animal six three i'm like if it went down i could still i could still take this out six four plus i don't think i could beat you up but six three i'm like okay we're in the same arena right you're a normal person hype yeah but'6", I'm like thinking, I'm like, I gotta hit this guy with a chair. I think at 6'4", you start to get into expectations of athletic performance. For sure. At 6'3", you're okay. At 6'4", it's like

people are mad at you for wasting your height. You know what I mean? So you don't play basketball? You don't play football? Kimberly Clark was just talking about that last night. She was doing stand-up. She's like, my brother's tall, but he doesn't ball. And I just get mad at him sometimes.

I bet he gets mad at him. That sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Specifically tall because it's like, listen, you're going to be a big guy and people won't be like, people are like,

obviously you don't play football, but you really, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But you like, if you're a tall guy, people are like even goofy because look at like tall ballers look weird yeah it's fluid but wimpy it looks weird that just looks crazy it's like a hurricane of limbs every time it goes it looks bad yeah well look because he goes in but it looks bad here's the proportions of it like a chubby

third grader just like maximized out to seven feet tall. Like you zoomed in on a picture of a chubby third grader and you got yoga. He looks like he should be pixelated. I'm convinced he's like a kid who woke up in one of those movies where you wake up and you're all of a sudden 26. Yeah.

I'd be like, that's the life. He's still just like a tidy serbian boy in denim shorts yeah yeah yeah no shirt um but yeah six three i just feel like it is i the noblest height and i'm sorry i'm sorry to everyone who's not six three as well i think it's a noble height it is tall enough that you can still be lurking though and i don't like that i can hunch people are getting taller right six three dudes yeah six three dudes with a hunch that guy's lurking yeah you can lurk and loom it's one of the only heights where you can lurk and loom i think six three then comes down to personal confidence right because if you carry six three well it's not a lurk it's not a hunch necessarily but i hear you

both of you in this like i think 6'3 like many 6'3 guys if they're not confident they all like kind of melt into a lurch that was bent that was my worry that that was well more well put than what i was trying to say earlier is like i that that if you're not confident with your height and you do slouch or something, then it is definitely a detriment. Or a little bit of a detriment. Sean, 6'2"? Yeah.

You share a height with two early founding fathers. I know everything about every single president. No, I don't. I don't know anything about any of the presidents. 6'2 is Washington and Jefferson. Which is tall for that time, I don't know anything about any of the presidents. 6-2 is Washington and Jefferson. They were 6-2? Tell them my thing.

Yeah. How tall did you think they were? 5'7". Seriously, I had no idea people were even hitting 6-2 back then. They were big, looming, aristocratic individuals. Yeah, I think that's why they were presidents. I had no fucking idea that that I had. That's that's shocking

to me. That's what I was asking earlier. People are getting taller, right? Like in time people are getting taller. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Asked and answered. I share height with Lyndon Johnson and Donald Trump.

Oh, that's a great two dudes. A lot of good quotables on those two guys. Listen, I don't know if I would want to hang out with either of them personally, but I admire their politics. No, I don't. No, Lyndon Johnson was, feel like a good president yeah I think he was like right for sure he was

also I think Trump it just struck me Trump comes off to me as shorter than he is that dude lurks you think he lurks? he's the biggest lurker in the world Lyndon Johnson said the n-word all the time I had to look it up.

I didn't know that. He did? Big N-word enthusiast. Was he quoting a rap song? Ha ha! It was the 60s. He's like, I can't be racist. I'm friends with Lena Horne.

Right. That's the perfect poll. But I thought Trump was like 5'10". And that's like the whole point. I mean, dude's all turtled up. Yeah. Is he turtled up? I think he's got my vote. Regardless, he's got my vote.

He looms. He tries to loom. I think he tries to use his height, but he's just so stiff and weird, and he leans forward. He doesn't seem like he uses his hips for anything no i think it's terrible hip mobility like he's in the moonwalker video all the time he stands on an incline i think maybe that's why i didn't really perceive him as six two or yeah on no six

three six three six four oh wait no six three six three the exact same height as ian and linda johnson interesting interesting listen the civil rights act was passed under him i mean like i Oh wait, no, 6'3". 6'3", the exact same height as Ian and Linda Johnson. Interesting, interesting. Listen, the Civil Rights Act was passed under him. I mean, again, I wouldn't want to hang out with him, but as far as liberal presidents go... It passed right under him. He didn't see it. Yeah, I'll sign whatever. You know, again, it is a pretty low bar

for good presidents. That was another good topic you had, was forgettable present oh thanks it's only because only one person comes to mind but anyway yeah shout out which one is that zachary taylor no but that's a good that's an exact that's like in the wheelhouse millard fillmore yeah you could be messing with me because i if you could tell me i have no idea zachary taylor i don't i no idea that was a president what about benjamin harrison exactly and like franklin pierce it's just there's like a lot i feel like there's a lot do i have to have known about a president to have forgotten about him because

no otherwise okay because i wouldn't be able to be i wouldn't be able to do it philosophically like i i think the answer is no anyway um britney it's time for your first pick. Oh, yeah. Okay. So actually, speaking of presents, my first pick. And I got to say something. I have to be honest about initially I was going to pick 6-3 as best type, but then I shifted. Because for two reasons. One is, well, my first pick is 6-4. 6-4. We were talking about, like, what did you say, David? The fre four, six, four. We are talking about like, uh, what did you say?

David, the freaks. Oh yeah. Early freak, early freak, low end freak, but freak nonetheless. Freak for sure. But early for sure. I think as average American and female high, I'm not so tall. I think I'm average, but I, uh, I think I like present as lanky. So I fought, I found that in my that a lot of my dating history are like

guys that are lurching. Not athletic, no confidence, but really freakishly tall. And it's kind of like my kryptonite. Specific. Really? Yeah, actually. Like 6'5". I'm like whoa.

Whoa. That's wild. I can see it because your eyes lit up. Yeah, you did. You did. You're like blushing a little bit. I glowed red. And actually, Lincoln, who, whatever, it's not like I lionize him, but Lincoln was 6'4", a tall, president and i think that he's

an example of like a quiet bookish individual who was very tall and uncomfortable in his own his hands were so large you know which there's things people say about that but the point is that he like kind of like had to grapple with his height and i there are there are speculations that he had marfan syndrome which we you know right but i don't know i don't know about 19th century medicine but the point is that six four but six four if six three is the height according to david if six three is before it reaches the freak six-4 is straddling the threshold and maybe that's what I like maybe that's what I

like just to drop a freak in them just a little bit of freak I think 6-4 is also the beginning of you don't see that every day yeah you see 6-3 every day that's a really good point 6-4 you're like whoa what's up stretch that kind of thing right exactly, exactly. A six four

walks into a coffee shop and everyone Yeah, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll say something here as well. When I see six three, I don't automatically assume big penis. When I see six four, that's when I start automatically assuming big penis. That's fair.

You can picture it. You're like, I know what it looks like. I'm just like, I feel like it's a lanky penis as well. Like 6'3", I feel like you can still be pretty compact and everything. At 6'4", it starts to become more of a lank situation, in my opinion. That's true. 6'4 is basketball, starting

of that. But 6'3 maybe is also. 6'3 is like really solid high school career. All city, probably not all American you at D2 kind of a situation you need to either be like one of the greatest athletes of all time or like one of the most amazing sharpshooters of all time

but I mean college basketball also is like the skill level is so wide that you could have got somewhere Russell Westbrook is what 7'2 Dame is 6'3ok is what he's 6'4 I guess he's one of the best I would say he's like 6'2

how tall was Allen Iverson 5'10 whoa relax I think I would say 5'11 you're talking about the answer here he said he was listed as 6 feet tall but I do not think that was the case so we know that wasn't true the answer here he said he was he was listed the six feet tall but i do not think that was so we know that wasn't true i don't think that was the case and chris paul same way chris paul is so ugly isaac says the word is 510 that's the answer on ai that's the answer

i don't know if i can trust isaac anymore he just because he lies about being 510 what the fuck are you talking about? What is this slander? From the darkness, he said. What the fuck? Put the wine down, buddy. The wine? It's coffee. Isaac, for everybody listening, Isaac has a jug of wine in his hand right now.

Listen, it's decaf coffee. I quit caffeine about two months ago. It's been doing wonders for my anxiety. It says decaf coffee and sharpie on the bottle. Yeah, it's actually a Pinot Noir. I'm sorry. Yeah, six port. Solid. I think I've been with six fives like romantically and I think that

At the same time? Six fives? Sounds like my 20s. That's my kind of party. I think with I would say both like spiritually in terms of confidence and also like spatial

logistics. I think that like a 6'5 man is it's approaching complex torture. Like they're developed. It's like, hey, how's the weather up there? Right? Seems like a lot of legs. 6'4", I would say, I'm going to make a confident

and 100% accurate claim, which is that 6'4", in terms of general sense of groundedness and mental health, is more aligned. They are not challenging the gods with their size. And have thus not been punished. With people that tall, like 6'4", 6'5", 6'6",

it feels like we occupy a different... Like, I don't feel like we're talking to each other. I feel like we're talking at each other. He's talking down to me and I'm talking up to him. We were at that sports drink place in New Orleans. Amazing, amazing, amazing. And Andrew, the guy who runs it with his wife there, to him or we were at uh we were at that sports drink place which in a new orleans amazing amazing amazing and andrew the guy who uh runs it with his wife there is six what how tall is he six i mean now we're seven i want to say six seven six eight and it's having a conversation with him was

just like it made me feel like such a little guy i did i felt like sean and i were talking about like how cozy it made us feel like it was real weird you better not pick me up yeah I don't look up a lot I don't have to like go like that you know like a 6'7 his head is like I have this image of being in Olympus like the cloud of the Greek gods and then they like kiss him on the cheek you know

and he coax out yeah Andrew's pretty goddamn attractive too so yeah good looking dude shout out to him so wait you guys went to a sports drink place in New Orleans? What'd you say? No, it's a coffee shop called Junk Drawer Coffee. And they've started...

There isn't really a stand-up club in New Orleans. And so this guy's taking it upon himself to start booking stand-ups. Yeah, cool. I think Jay Jordan is there the week we're recording this and like oh nice sean and i went uh it's wonderful so but yeah but that when when they do stand up it's called sports drink i think that's like his production company so i don't yeah uh it rules cool yeah you're welcome

you should go do it um david time for your first and second picks. You know, it is true. I had thought I was 5'10". That's what I was going to pick first. I found out I'm 5'8". And that's what I'm taking. I love being 5'8". I think it's short enough that you can still have big stuff. Does that make sense? Like big what?

Big what? I was talking about my feet. Relax. I'm right there with you i have 12 and a half 13s in some shoes i got real big hands i never had like an issue with athletics growing up you know what i mean even in high school i started varsity just fine being a D tackle of 5A I could do all this stuff I never felt like I went without I didn't hoop that is

hard I didn't hoop solid but you know what I mean but other than that I never felt like I've gone without I never felt like embarrassment or I've never felt nervous with women about my height like it never really it feels like you're right in like embarrassment or I've never felt nervous with women about my height. Right. Like it,

it never really, it, I, it feels like you're right in the zone of you could still ball. You know what I mean? You're just like, Oh, I'm just a little shorter.

That's all right. Yeah. It's it's there. There aren't, there weirdly are not a ton of five, eight NBA players in history. Weirdly, but five,

five, but I guess what I should say is like at five six there's some notable players at five nine there's quite a few notable players

but five eight but I mean at those heights it's just because they're notable because they're I'm not taking away listen I was a huge

Earl Boykins guy love Spud Webb who wasn't enamored by Muggsy Bogues yeah right we all loved Muggsy as a world yeah his name was Muggsy itues? Yeah. Right? We all loved Muggsy. As a world.

Yeah. His name was Muggsy. It was the perfect short guy name. That's the other thing about 5'8". It feels like I'm not short enough to have a short guy name. Nobody calls you little guy. Yeah. Or like Scrappy or some shit like that.

Like you could still just be a guy. You know, I know you pretty well. And if just not knowing your height, would have said i would have said like and this is maybe this is me being ridiculous but i would have said like 5 10 5 11 i was just gonna say that i've stood next to you i i mean seriously thousands of thousands i mean it's that's why i thought 5 10 for like i don't know i was thinking about it because like i said i got this bike and i had to measure i also had to measure my shin length. But

I realized, you know where I think it came from in high school? Do you remember, Ian, when they would put out the programs for the team? Yeah. And they would list your height and weight and it was all lies. Yeah. And they listed me at 5'10".

Like junior year when I was probably 5 6 they listed me as like 5 10 and i just was kind of like all right that's cool i guess i'm 5 10 yeah yeah no health insurance for years but no doctor's visits and i just was like and then i just like and then i just settled into like oh okay'm a bicycle well i said i i'm so next to you maybe two or three times right i would say yeah yeah i i was where like yeah you present as 510 511 i'll take it but that doesn't mean that anything is less about 5 8 except no that's what that's kind of my point is that i feel like oftentimes people have this like number, which I also feel like people have really bad spatial relations and don't know what six feet are all the time

because I'm telling you the truth on here that I was 5'10 and I lied. You know how many guys I know lie about being six foot and it never comes up. I just know about 5'10 and nobody's calling them on it. I'm not like what the fuck. What is this conspiracy?

Isaac's 5'6". What? At best. Just about what we're talking about. Jesus Christ. Nothing wrong with him, right? Spreading rumors out there.

No, it's cool to be short. It's hip to be square. I don't care. I don't care if I was short, but I'm not. Isaac, there's a lot of platforms I can see in the back like a lot of platform shoes.

That's why. Isaac is really 5'11". How do you feel about that oh my god that also makes me kind of upset because i'm like that's i'm not i'm not actually 5 11 listen if you're i'm 5 10 if you ask for uppies and sean picks you up you're 5 11 am i maxine how tall is maxine now my second pick is uh so this is what i'm taking because this is a short person's six foot. Like my mom is really short. Yeah. And like, I have a few, it's actually weird. My family's weird. My uncles are tall as shit. Like they're all way taller than me,

but like the women in my family are really short. But anyways, and I've just known a lot of people around this. I'm taking five foot because that like 4'11 to 5'1, it presents the same as the, people are the same about around six feet as they are around five feet. Yeah. Where it's like, no, I'm five foot.

Like, it's like, even my mom is like, I'm five foot. And she's not. Once you get that four in front of it. Yeah. There's some stigma, I think. So it's so interesting seeing that people are dealing with it on every level and i've

always thought that about like like because in my head i remember even when i was younger i was like that's five foot i don't give a who fucking care what the difference would be but people still it's that it's that rounding thing and it's just very interesting and i just love a i love a short person who's getting it in whether they're yeah whether they're just like a lothario or they're super athletic or whatever i love a short person being like suck it i'm great like i kind of like little man syndrome i don't i'm a hundred percent with you my dad who is uh your aforementioned five eight has got himself a little two teaspoons of little man syndrome. He's the biggest guy I know. He's a pit bull.

I kind of like that more than I like the sunken in 6'4 guy. All right, little five footer, go on and get it then. I've seen five foot dudes beat the shit out of some doll guys. Yeah.

I've seen that more than the other i'll tell you that for real i've seen little guys beat up big guys way more than the other way around way way more way way more and it's just like yeah it's just like fuck yeah go like you have to be self-actualized you don't just get to like slip in between the cracks if you're that high you know what i mean right you have to make a you have have to be definitive. And I respect that about that. Yeah, we did. We were at a party. This is tall. This dude probably six, four, six, five. It was like college party. He was being such an ass to everybody there. Every single person he was being an asshole. And he was looking around like you can't tell me nothing. And this dude got there who was like the toughest guy in town everybody knew and he was probably five five six and uh 30 seconds in he had knocked this guy down the stairs that's what

i'm saying about that low-end shit is it's like you're still small enough to get it done whatever like even five eight or five six is like your height isn't enough of an issue that you can't do shit like that which is where where maybe a five foot it is. Why we should probably be a little more careful about teasing Isaac right now. You're going to get a private text. You're going to start a private thread. I know where you live. You know, I can just knock on your door.

Just to prove my height, I can just stand next to you and be like, hey, in person. Listen. Go live on Instagram. Just to prove my height, I can just stand next to you and be like, hey, in person. You're there with a tape measure? Listen. Go live on Instagram. I mean, go live. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's fucking do it. Oh! Let's do it. Whoa. I keep my tools next to my studio. You have to make sure that's standard issue and not some sort of

tape measure you bought at the little guy's store, alright? I bought it in Korea. It's centimeters. Who knows that conversion? That's nonsense. 5,000 centimeters? Can I ask you one question before we go on just because you said this?

How many tools do you have? How many tools do I have in general? What's the number? This is a good question. You a Ryobi man? I'm a Ryobi man. No, Ryobi's homeowner tools. You know, I got shit. I mean, I have stuff.

Bolt cutters. You have them all right next to you, though. This is for my guitars. Tuning thing. Another question. How many guitars do you have? Right now, I have seven. Whoa.

More than I thought you were going to say. Huh? Whoa. You got a Fender Stratocaster, bro? I think 5'11". Sorry. No, go ahead.

Go ahead. I think 5'11 is the best height for somebody who plays guitar. Oh. Does that make sense? Yeah, that does make sense. Because it looks, yeah.

It's not overwhelming you, but you're not overwhelming it either. Have you seen gigantic guys try to play the guitar and they look like they're engulfing it and they're just like swallowing the guitar? Yeah, Mickey Six is huge. Do you feel like tall guys can play bass though?

Is bass bigger? Is that it just... I feel like bass is for like... Chris Novoselic's a big boy. Or like very skinny women or like five, five women with a gnarly ass jazz bass. Right, right, right, right. That always looks cool.

That looks awesome. Yeah. Because I like it when they're swinging that thing. But anyways, 5' is my second height. Brittany, time for your second pick. Okay, my second pick is 5'3". So I'm 5'6". I'm 5'6".

And I like being 5'6 I'll talk more about that later but 5'3 is like it's like interesting to me it's intriguing because in terms of like feminine bodies 5'3 is the first height where it's like oh I'm cute like you want to pick them up and like

it's like you enter petite I'm sure 5'4 and 5'5 are also in that zone. But if you're talking about like average Western female heights, it's like 5'3 girlies are cute or maybe they have a strong personality or they're very like cutting or mean or witty or funny or they wear very like cutting or mean or witty or funny or they or they're like uh they

wear bright lipstick color so i'm i'm like drawn or too intrigued by five three you can be a spark plug at five three a what's a good one a live wire like a spark plug you know what i mean you're like a little like you're a little bit a lot of a lot of energy. Yeah. A lot of energy. Like I think about somebody, somebody like, maybe think of like an actress. She's like sitting on a, a, what is it called?

Like a, you know, it's like a talk show, like a late night talk show. And there's like an actress who's like sitting on the couch and she's, uh, five, three.

And she's like the funniest and like kind of meanest person that I've guessed that they've had for a while. I feel like that's pretty consistent or something that I think of. And 5'3, go ahead. No, I just have a list in front of me of some 5'3 people. Okay. Like Billie Eilish, 5'3. Oh, and she's so powerful. Like everything about her is

big. And more powerful because she's little, right? Yes. So it's just like Scarlett Johansson, 5'3. is big and more powerful because she's little right like so it's just like yeah right right scarlett johansson five three uh that's crazy i would have said like five ten i mean this is me too really a moron yes i mean she read i've only hung out with her 20 30 so little actors are so little though cardi b rebel wilson five three oh3". Cardi B is 5'3". I thought it was 5'9". That's crazy.

Cardi B is like 6'8". Yeah, she is 6'8". It never even crossed my mind that she was little. That's wild. How tall is Doja Cat? Wait, how tall is Rachel McAdams? She's little. I feel like she's taller. I'll tell you.

I don't know. I saw her at a restaurant one time and she was like one of the smallest people I've ever seen. She says 5'4". She's lit. Just everything about her was so small. Easy E was 5'3". Doja Cat 5'3". I will buy that.

Doja Cat is 5'3". Doja Cat is 5'3"? Yeah. Easy E. So Easy E definitely, you know, is 5'3". But also you're like, that's the biggest 5'3 I could ever imagine. But you know he's 5'3".

He also, he looked little in his clothes. He did, he wore big shit. Yeah, he looked little in his clothes. I was just thinking of Natasha Lazaro, comedian came to mind, and then I typed in just now, Natasha Lazaro height. And it's's I was like

I bet she's 5'3 no she's 4'11 which speaks to how like yeah how powerful that makes sense because I've been next to her that sounds she's like the same height as my mom Moshe's tall Moshe is tall how tall is Moshe like 6'2 he's probably 6'2

6'3 he reads at 6'2 I think yeah but he's lanky yeah 5'3 he reads a 6'2 I think yeah but he's lanky yeah 5'3 great height I'm going to go now take the one you almost just picked your personal I'm taking 5'6 oh interesting it is the height of one Dana Schwartz my

wife and I had to make sure I got that I think my mom might also be somewhere around there she might be 5'8 yeah but yeah 5'6 again I don't feel ultra comfortable commenting on how tall women should or shouldn't be so this has nothing to do with should I just think for someone who's taller

like me 6'3 like 5'6 is where you're starting to get like you know taller for a woman but I don't feel weird about the height disparity for me personally. Right, I see. I've dated women who are shorter than 5'6",

and it's always a little bit of a chore. Yeah. What did you call them? Picky uppies? What was that again? Uppies. Uppies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You feel weird holding her hand in public? Yeah, where I'm like, I'm kind of like hunching over, you know, it's like that. Or you're funny and you ask are you lost yeah that's like a fun bit uh i like five six this is mostly just a tribute to my uh to my wife who i love and i love how tall she is but britney you said you had more things to say about five six oh sure i'll address that really fast so yeah i'm five six but people always like people in general, or sometimes men I date think that I'm five, eight, but I think it's because I think that I carry something. I carry that thing that we're describing with frequently tall men, which

is like, like, like lank or like not carrying it particularly well. But I think I do like inherently have that quality, although I'm five, six, which is pretty immediate, like average, I think I do inherently have that quality, although I'm 5'6", which is pretty average, I think. But I also, I'm kind of willowy like my dad, and he's 6'1". But my point is, my last thing is that I also wear, I wear a lot of heels. I wear heels usually because I think it makes me feel good, and I like performing in heels

which makes me feel like uh yeah five six can be anything really yeah it is five six is open to interpretation you can play it short you can play it tall yeah we gotta bring heels back for dudes man totally i mean absolutely think about there are some spark pluggy dudes who are 5'6 too Jack Black is 5'6 and Jack Black he's 5'6 he's 5'6

wow Jack Black yeah love it love it if he's 5'10 he does not become Jack Black

and I feel very comfortable saying that I feel you yeah you're right you're right that kind of energy and I'll say like

as someone who has sometimes in entertainment felt somewhat limited by my height in a weird way, his energy, the taller you get, the scarier that is. Ha!

At 5'6", you're fun. At 6'2", you have a drinking problem. Yeah, it's like, calm down. Why are you doing all these karate chops? What's going on? You're the ultimate warrior at some point. Kendrick Lamar is 5'6". Yeah, that feels right. That feels just about right.

That's interesting, but I can buy it. I can buy it and I like it. He's a little powerful 5'6 guy. Yeah. Then you got your boys, Louis Armstrong and Napoleon Bonaparte coming in around 5'6 as well. Yeah, excellent. That was not little for him, right? For Napoleon?

No, that was like the average height. Yeah, he was normal. So, again, this is now referencing my wife, who has a big history body. I love history. Napoleon was characterized as short, one, because he had very big bodyguards who followed him around everywhere.

Because why wouldn't you? And then the British propaganda, because the Brits ended up winning and the victors get to tell the story, their propaganda made him very short. They framed him that way. Yeah, like a short, tiny little man, even though he was no shorter than your average person. That's a tough propaganda

spin because they're like, we got to make it believable, but we want to make him shorter than he was. But I mean, nobody saw anybody back then, right? You saw the drawing and if you saw the actual person, you'd be like, oh, he's bigger than I thought. You saw the bodyguards and yes, spatial reasoning was different in the 18th century

I guess. I'm just picturing Napoleon with like a couple shook knights on either side of him just walking around. Kendrick Lamar was like the guest when I was like on Chelsea Lately for the very first time. I remember the picture. I got it. No, I didn't take a picture with Kendrick. I took one with Drake eventually, but with like, because it was my first day. I got it. No, I didn't take a picture with Kendrick. I took one with Drake eventually,

but with like, because it was my first day. I wasn't even writing on the show yet. So it was my first day on Chelsea lately. I'm hanging around in the back waiting to go out to the panel and Kendrick Lamar walks by and I'm like, oh my God,

that's Kendrick Lamar. And then two of the biggest bodyguards I've ever seen in my entire, just two of the biggest humans. And i've ever seen in my entire just two of the biggest humans like and i've been to nba games these people were like different big they were that tall but then they were also like the size of refrigerators and i was like oh my god a no one's gonna mess with him if those guys are around and b if you're five six why would you do that to yourself? Because who cares? Yeah, I guess who cares at that point?

They're the bodyguards. He's still Kendrick Lamar. He is Kendrick Lamar, but it makes him look even tinier. Tom Cruise's bodyguards are all regular height dudes. See, I don't like that. I don't like fudging the numbers like that like just living like yeah i'm little i got these two huge guys what are you gonna do but that makes them scarier because they're if they're regular height and they're with the

biggest movie star in the world i'm gonna be honest with you i'm afraid of all bodyguards there's no that's your employee that's your job i'm not fucking with it you know what I mean you have to be pretty little for me to want to try a bodyguard you know what I mean that is such a good point someone is like I'm a bodyguard and you're like alright here's my wallet no sweat

Sean time for your second and third picks alright this draft is hard because there's so many And now it's like we're getting into Freak territory on both ends Yeah, I feel that was kind of the thing So I'm trying to keep

I'm keeping track of what we picked I just want to make sure I'm not I'd be happy to tell you I got it I'm not. I'm not. I'd be happy to tell you. I got it. I'm going to go. I got it. Thanks. I'm going to pick 5'9".

I'm going to pick 5'9", because I think, I don't know why I think this, it's just what I've thought, is I think that's how tall Maxine's going to be. Really? Wow, your daughter. She's tall,

but I think, I don't know, I just have this feeling it's going to max out at 5'9". Maybe I'm wrong. You don't think she's going but i i think i don't know i just have this feeling it's gonna max out at five nine maybe i'm wrong you don't think she's gonna get six foot i don't know because just there's something in me that feels huge too right he was yeah you're pretty tall i am but no one else so like my mom my whole mom's side of the family is not tall. My dad's side of the... Me, Buck, Bill, and Pat. Those are the four dudes in my family. My grandpa and my dad and my uncle.

We're all... I'm the shortest out of all of them. Oh, wow. Right. But my mom, I think it's just going to balance out. Laura is right in the pocket. Yeah. Right around Dana's height.

No parents don't seem that tall. How tall? 5'5"? Oh, Laura is his wife, yeah. But Max is tall. And so... don't seem that tall how tall five five all Lord is tall and so yeah I just I have a feeling about five nine and that's kind of why I'm picking it Sue Bird one of the greatest point guards in WNBA history is five

nine no way Clark is six foot though yes she is Angel Reese is like six three yeah earlier when somebody asked you about Maxine, like earlier, like maybe 10 minutes ago. Of course, I don't know you. Like, I know you're married and have a kid,

but I didn't know who was who. So when somebody said something about Maxine and he said, or the question was, how soon is Maxine going to be? Like, how tall will Maxine be? For a moment, I was like, is he asking about his wife and how tall she will turn into?

And, you know, context. As soon as she grows, I mean, she's still growing, they say. But yeah, as soon as she figures out long division. No, I think every, so here's what I was going to say when we talked about Maxine earlier, is that I'm starting to have to navigate

this thing as a parent where every single time someone sees her, the very first thing they say is that she's i'm starting to have to navigate this thing as a parent where every single time someone sees her the very first thing they say is that she's tall and and i don't i don't i don't nothing about kids like i can't even now having a three-year-old i can't look at a kid without knowing how old they are and tell if they're tall or not but for some reason without knowing how old they are is weird that's what i'm saying but all these people she's just five what if she's five and she's whatever so but everyone who sees her i swear to god they look at her they have no idea how old she is and she's like they're like oh my god she's she's so tall and i'm like she is but how the fuck did you know that so there's just this weird thing that

i'm trying to have to figure out how to do because she's going to hear that forever i think it's going to be the first thing people say. I remember going out with Marcella, like when we lived together, going grocery, just going to do shit all the time. And it was like it was like it was really rude, actually. Like we'd be at the like regular places, the grocery store, just a restaurant or something like that. And people would constantly remark on it in a way that was not it wasn't even like good or bad. It was just a statement of it. Wow. You're really tall.

And it's like I felt bad for it sucked. Of course, not bad for it, but like it just didn't like it's such a rude thing to do. Like, yeah, to comment on anyone's appearance in that way is like kind of wild. You know, that and a sunburn are the two things that people will without question they would be like holy cow one of them goes away so i have no idea what you're talking about well right i do the irish boy over here but when i get a sunburn it was like whoa you got the sunburn like it's gonna go away but that if they do the same shit with us with it i guess like a super tall person so i'm trying to i don't know how to do it yet but i'm

trying to be every time someone says that i'm like yeah she's tall and i'll i don't know i don't know how to do it but i just try to i want her to know like it's fine that's great you know you're you and you're perfect and i you know so that's that's just what i was going to talk about when we're talking about height for for her but good luck with that yeah i think you'll get there i will sorry to bring i didn't want to get too serious but that's i think about it all the time but yeah five nine for uh for that and then for my third pick i'm gonna go the other way i'm gonna go six six because old pat jordan was was ringing in at six six and there was just something about him six six he was gigantic six six like 350 400 right in there

and it's funny here and I think Max out's gonna Max is gonna max out at 5'9 when I'm describing my giant dad all 78 inches of him yeah he just I don't know it's just something fun about tripping around with a big old jolly granted he was half pot most of the time 6'6 person

it was I don't know he just he was jovial it was fun when he wasn't. Do you have to drink like Andre the Giant levels? I saw him drink a beer one time. He has to drink a barrel of beer. I saw him. Someone handed him a beer at a family reunion. He drank it and he was so mad after he got

done. It was just beneath him. It was a waste of his time to drink a single beer. How big was it even compared to his hand? It wasn't crazy, but it was tiny, and he drank it like Popeye with spinach, and he just threw it away, and he's like, well, where's the next? You're like, Jesus, dude,

sip on that, you know? Six is normal height. For athletes, it's like regular guy height. And that's another thing I was thinking, like, if we do bring basketball into this equation. Well, for what athletes? For like a Michael Jordan or like, you know, for basketball. But like, soccer players

aren't that tall, right? No, no, no, no. It's more like football and basketball and that's kind of it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Hockey players, there's some tall hockey players and tall baseball players. I feel like less center gravity is probably going to help for hockey. Right? Am I making that up?

or like you know we got jockeys you get a 6'6 jockey out there that horse ain't winning yeah but I'm talking like NBA like the big ticket athletes that's like sort of a regular height to be you're not like I don't feel I don't think of Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant as being people who have

who are freakishly tall but that's the thing is like because we always see them in context of other freaks yeah it's true they hang out with like like if if you saw Kobe Bryant at the store you'd be like who the f is that yeah you know it's like we were talking about you don't see it every day that's why the NBA so or sports in general is so amazing because it's like you get used to watching all these you get you normalize all these people on the field and then you realize no if you saw troy palomaro in real life you would shit your pants if he was just at an arco

can i say like having hung around you wouldn't shit your pants if he was just an arco having hung around nba players six six weirdly i know i just said this about andrew but like six six doesn't feel that tall i don't think it is that tall for them if they're if they're filled out so many more seven footers now than there ever have been and like yeah and people were six feet tall kind of like six six nba players kind of bent lean over they carry themselves kind of smaller. At least the rookies that I was hanging out with this year in Portland. They're closer to us.

I don't know. I'm surprised by how not that tall they feel. I get that. That was another like picking 6'6". It's like, yeah, I want to dunk a basketball. Who doesn't want to dunk a basketball? I feel like 6'6 is the baseline for me you could dunk way shorter than that

what did Spud Webb do how tall is he 5'8 like I honestly and maybe I'm coming out of pocket here I honestly think if I was 6'6 right now I might be able to dunk does that sound insane like if you took the current version of me and made it 6'6 you don't think I might be able to dunk. Does that sound insane? If you took the current version of me and made it six six, you don't think I'd be able to dunk. On a good day, if I'm feeling it, I can get the rim. What's your wingspan like?

It's your height, isn't it? Isn't your wingspan your height? Not always. Well, roughly. I don't know. I would assume my wingspan is roughly six feet right now. It feels like that's the bare minimum. If I was 6'6", and I set a goal, like I'm going to dunk a basketball in

two months, I feel like I might be able to get it done. Stretching, got a little weight training program, doing a little cardio, a little running. Maybe. I think I could. I think. But that's, you know, I could definitely palm a basketball. That'd be fun. So anyway, 6'6". Great pick. I think. But that's, you know, I could definitely palm a basketball. That'd be fun. So anyway, 6'6".

Great pick. Yeah. Be interesting. I'm going to go ahead and go hard freak on this one. I'm taking seven feet tall. Damn it. That was my next pick.

Seven even. There's a stat I heard the other day that if you're seven feet tall, you have a one in six chance of being in the NBA. One in six? That is insane. That's insane because when you hear that stat that there's

only ever been 5,000 people in the NBA total, you're like the odds that that's literally what it is. 5,000? It's something like that. Yeah. Less people have done late night stand-up comedy sets than in the NBA. Man, that's so...

Seven feet tall. Seven feet tall. If you're seven feet tall, you have a one in six chance of playing in the NBA. And to me, you got to play those odds. Although,

I guess if you're one of the five who's not in the NBA, your life is probably full of incredible burdens. You just got to go to Kroger. You just got to be at the grocery store. People asking, like, why aren't you in the NBA, your life is probably full of incredible burdens. You just got to go to Kroger. You just got to be at the grocery store, people asking like, why aren't you in the NBA? You got to be sitting in airplane seats.

You got to have a reason. You got to be like, well, I don't even know what you're going to say. If I was that tall and not in the NBA, I don't think I would fly. Would you take the odds? Okay, so you're like about to be born and a spirit comes to you and says hey you can either be five nine whatever the average height is five eight or you can be seven

feet tall i mean if i'm right now i guess i'm telling you the odds i here's the thing is you're not gonna give me that much body and not i'm'm not going to not bust some moves. You know what I mean? Regardless of the NBA, I'm going to do something with it. I'll take pictures at the fair or some shit. I'm going to use it to not have to, you know what I mean? I'm going to play Chewbacca if I'm not in the NBA.

Yeah. I'm going to use it some way, somehow. I knew a guy in college who was six, nine, who was living in our dorms, and so that was obviously very, very tall. But then the difference is, I agree with you,

7 feet is maybe better than 6'9", because 6'9 is like, at least 7 feet, it means something. Right, right. You're basically 7 feet at 6'9", except you don't have all the benefits of being 7 feet tall. I bet the statistics drop drastically on how many 6'9 players get the NBA.

Here's what I'm wondering is, how close does it get to a six feet thing where it's like, 6'10 is seven feet to me. What's the roundup? Just like 7'2 is seven feet to me. Kevin Garnett, there are certain players who are like 7 feet tall who said, I want to be listed as 6'11 because there was a stigma about 7 foot tall players. That they wouldn't be as athletic.

That they were like a lumbersome, you know, yeah. Is KG 7 feet? Easily. He's like 7'1. He's who I think about if you're 6'6 and then that guy's in the locker room, Tara. I'm happy a 7-foot KG got into the NBA

and didn't have to resort to other methods. You would have been in the NBA at 5'1", dude. That guy's nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 7'2", that's my pick. Brittany, time for your third pick. Okay, my third pick is... Oh, my third pick

is 5'8". Because as a 5'6 person, I think... No, pick is 5'8 because as a 5'6 person I think 5'8 is off the board that's how it works let me list what's off the board 5'10 5'9 6'6

5'6 7'6 5'3 5'8 now I know how the fantasy draft works six, seven foot, six, four, five, three, five, eight, and five foot. Now I know how the fantasy draft works. Thank you so much. So also, I think that I'm going to go with my

initial instinct here was actually five, seven. But I just felt... So five, seven. Five, seven is like if I did yoga regularly or something. So this is like self... That's a yoga-ass height. I'm pretty lazy about yoga as a yoga-ass height. Right? I'm pretty lazy about yoga as a 5'6 person.

If I did it, you know, if I drank more water, I think I would be 5'7. So that's it. I could hear someone saying that, man, if I just drank more water, I bet I'd be 5'7.

Yeah, that's not good. I think the Jonas Brothers are 5'7. Oh, sure. Boy, did you just know that? Was that off top? No, I'm looking all this up. Damn it. That would have been tight.

That would have been the most fun thing you've ever known off top. I'm looking at the celebrities. Kenny Chesney, Rob Dyrdek. Is 5'7"? Dyrdek gives me 5'5". Really? Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, because he's... You want to talk petite. That dude. Yes. I saw the Jonas Brothers in real life. really? isn't that interesting? yeah, because he's you want to talk petite that dude yes I saw the I saw the Jonas Brothers in real life we have a 5'7 man

chiming in here hold on to speak about Isaac Isaac, go to his house right now I saw the I saw the Jonas Brothers in real life one time

I could see the top of their heads and once again I am I am 5'10 well you were on the you were on the balcony though, right? oh my god I didn't know that

I always thought they seemed taller I mean they look long they present as taller they look Well, you were on the balcony though, right? Oh my god. I didn't know that. I always thought they seemed taller. I mean, they looked long. Yeah, they present as taller. They looked long, you know. Kendrick claims to be 5'7". Maybe he is. 5'7", I'm messy, girl. I thought that's what Drake said he was. Ian's talking about Kendrick Jonas. Kendrick 6, Jonas brother.

Kendrick Lamar, he's got that lyric, 5'7", I'm messy, girl. Because messy, Lionel Messi The most famous man in the world Yeah It's wild It's a great hype I also feel like I know some great 5'7 dudes

You know Yeah yeah yeah totally I don't think any of them claim 5'7 But we see you I feel like a handful of comics that I'm friends with that are men are 5'7". Yeah, definitely. That's a funny height to me. It's funny. It's funny because it's kind of like

it's like the equivalent of being 31 or something as an age. It's like, all right, all right. Yeah, that's cool. You're on here. It could get better, but this is a good one

sure you are it could be worse Dan time for your third pick man I'm going to take 6-6 is off the board yeah 6-6 I'm taking 6-7 just because I think it's the end

of like I've never been this high, but in my head, that's the cutoff for you needing special things. Yeah. Does that make sense? It's like being 300 pounds. Like you can still fly on a plane.

You can, but like anything else. And it's like, okay, you can't get in that car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You can probably buy shoes, hopefully at a regular store. Although maybe not, you might be getting get in that car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can probably buy shoes, hopefully, at a regular store, although maybe not. You might be getting out of that range because you probably got some size 15, size 16. Yeah, I mean, because I'm at the end. When was the last time you went to a store to buy shoes? Oh, good question.

You guys got, everybody got big feet, right? I just got some. You have 10 and a half i can wear nine in adidas really what are you ian you gotta be 12 and a half 13 12 and a half i although i just bought some of those are they haraches those like woven leather shoes not the smaller though right you gotta go small on those because they stretch out the leather stretches out so i got some uh uh 11 and a half for the first time in my life and the guy brought him out and i was like shut your mouth and he was like try them on they're gonna stretch out and i was like

all right i guess so it felt weird though man i felt like i was 12. yeah yeah that was that was i remember shoe size is so weird because it was like for me at least it was cool and then it wasn't yeah you know what i mean it was like oh eights i can buy all the shoes in the men's section and then nines okay and then 11s okay pretty big feet and then 12s and you're like i there's not anything left i gotta go to ross and then 12 and a half is like fuck you know what I mean and I'm like between 12 and a half and 13 and it's like they rarely even do 12 and a half

12 and a half is the rarest one it sucks I buy everything online it's like they just don't have shit in shoe stores yeah 6-7 6-7 also 6-7 I feel like there's certain studio apartments in New York City where 6-7 is like this is you're too big for this space.

Yeah, you're too big in here. You can't live in this city unless you're on the move. Like my daughter's daycare provider, one of her ceilings in her basement, if I stand up fully, I touch it. Oh, wow. Like being 6', and that's from 6'. So being six, seven, it'd be, you kind of, maybe this is an insane theory, but that slouch could be developed a little bit just by wanting to make sure that you definitely don't run into anything.

You know, the top where you're like, you can't just like stick your shit up everywhere you're at. Cause you're going to be bonking all kinds of door frames. You're protecting yourself from danger. So it's actually evolutionary, evolutionary. It's like,

it's like survival of the fittest stuff that you want to be shorter. See? University of South Dakota? I could think of stuff. Fix 7 is an excellent pick, and we're about to take our second very short break. You're not going to believe how short this break is. It's probably about as short as Isaac Lee.

So very long. No, not as short a break. Long is a different word than tall. Oh, I wasn't afraid to height there. Nobody here said you weren't long. I wasn't afraid to height. Long is a different word than tall. Nobody here said you weren't long, my friend.

I was talking about length. I said the right word. Hey, we're going to figure this out during the break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay,

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self-care routines, some stuff that's non-negotiable. Some stuff like you can't... I got buddies, they can't skip leg day. Myself, my schedule is completely packed out with hanging out with my daughter. You try to pepper in work in there, it's really hard to find the time for those things that I want, that self-care stuff. I like to walk a lot. I know that sounds ridiculous and I don't know what fun means, but I do like walking. I like to walk a lot. I know that sounds ridiculous. And I don't know what fun means, but I do like walking. I love to skateboard, but it's hard. I got to drive to the park. I got to get warmed up, which takes your boy a gentleman's half hour these days because these gams ain't what they used to be. But I know that's what makes me happy. And it's hard to make time for it. When you feel like you don't have any time for yourself, it can weigh on you more than anything

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to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash allfantasy. And we're back. Welcome back to all fantasy. Everything already in progress. David just made his third pick six foot seven, and he's about to make his fourth pick. Can you read off the picks again?

Sorry, this is getting, it's getting, it's getting in the weeds. Yeah. Yeah. To recap, Sean has five foot 10,

five foot nine and six foot six. I have six foot three, five foot six and seven foot tall. Even Brittany Carney has six foot four, five foot three and five, seven David bore. foot three five foot six and seven foot tall even britney carne has six foot four five foot three and five seven david boer you have five eight five foot even and six foot seven and a hush falls over the course it's funny hearing i'm not in order because you're like wait i didn't hear anything right in order no you don't have to do them in order I can put them in order real quick honestly I'm gonna take has anybody taken 5-4

no no 5-4 on the board I'm taking 5-4 because I feel like that's the same thing the other way as you know what I'm saying the same way that 6-7 is like yeah 5-4 is like okay because like my mom used to have

to you know she had to sit on shit in the car you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah okay yeah it's like so it's like that's right the right right right down where it gets like oh maybe this world is too big for you you know what i mean? It's like the edge of the edge of the generally assigned heights, I feel like. Maybe James Madison was 5'4". I'm going to double check. It's either James Madison or James Madison.

The shortest president was 5'4". I gotta ask where all the presidential knowledge is coming from. Oh, sure. You just got it? No, I went to grad school for history, for early American history. But I worked at a museum, like a constitution museum in Philly before I went to grad school for this. And then I later worked at this like Civil War site that had a lot of Lincoln stuff. So because Lincoln is the tallest president, I feel like he's often for kids like described in relationship to presidents who are other heights.

for kids, described in relationship to presidents who were other heights. And then when I worked at this Constitution Museum, there was a lot of stuff about white presidential trivia. So I have random presidential height trivia from job stuff, basically. That's 5'4", James Madison.

Yeah, 5'4". So he's our shortest one, which doesn't even feel that... For some reason, it doesn't feel that short for the time, but he must've been like bigger and personality, like on giving speeches and stuff. Right. He must've been. And also people never saw him. Probably. It was probably like a lot of like newspaper articles. Right. Yeah.

I feel like you could get away with that kind of shit. It's like how people didn't know people could just claim to be famous people back in the day. Cause you come to the town and yeah, I'm right. Groucho Marx or whoever. They were just running through people who helped with a constitution back then.

Right. And he was like fourth up. Yes. And it went like Washington Adams, Jefferson. And then it's like, who else? I guess,

I guess Madison. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I would say there's probably a consistent trend of like, I feel like American presidents since the age of visual, like TV, it's like maybe everybody started six feet. What do you think? Like, I believe that.

Yeah, I think you're right. Biden is six feet tall. Oh, yeah. Obama was taller for some reason. How tall was Jimmy Carter? The party starter? Let me see. He seems like the last littler guy.

He was 5'10", according to this, and I think that's pretty accurate. Jimmy Carter, the party starter, dude. Ronald Reagan was 6'1". George H.W., he might have been taller. Or shorter, I mean. Interesting. George H.W.?

6'2"! He's tall! H.W.? Yeah, yeah, he was a big guy. And George W. is 6 feet. Yeah, he's a taller dude. Wow. Yeah, alright, tall. Wow. Jimmy Carter, the party starter, the shortest president in a while.

5'4". James Madison. That was his campaign. The shortest president in a while Brittany, time for your fourth pick Okay, great, my fourth pick is Wait, I think I We already have 5'11, right? No, 5'11 on the board still

5'11 is my fourth pick Because it's like am I getting this accurately we're going towards the ones that we like less no no we're trying to put together a top five yeah

but unless it's off the board so like you know if you wanted something you can't take it anymore but you still want your five best so 511 is like okay maybe because an If you wanted something, you can't take it anymore, but you still want your five best. So 5'11 is like... Okay, maybe because an ex of mine and we had a really good relationship and he, I think, dealt with some confidence issues,

but at the same time, had a pretty big personality and a lot of information to share. And he had a lot of big curiosity and he dressed really well. He is 5 11 but he would say he's six feet but he just i know he wasn't because i'm a lanky girl like i know i'm pretty good like i've taught so much preschool that this is an earlier thing i'm good at picking

out kids heights like if some like we're talking about this for a second i know we were talking about their relationship to height but like if I see a kid, I'm pretty good at picking out their age because I'm a lankier girl. I'm pretty good at just like telling men's age. I mean, height in relationship to me. Right. And so I just know he wasn't six feet. He was 5'11", but he's still like, he was like a good 5'11".

He was like, so it was like a wink. Sorry. 5'11". 5'11". With a wink. That's my point. Yeah was like, so it was like a wink. Sorry. Five, 11 with a wink. That's my point. Yeah. Also, if you're five, 11, you're probably five and 11 and like a quarter. Right.

It's like that. So at that point, you're like, I'm gonna go ahead and round up. Yeah. I don't think it's bad to round up from five. I just want people to know we don't consider you six feet tall. Right. I think it's why he dresses. Is there solidarity in people over

six feet as opposed to under? Well, this is coming from someone who's never thought about it. I mean, I've never ever thought about that. Well, we kicked Sean out because he said he wanted to be 5'10", but amongst the rest of us, yes, there is. Yeah, Isaac, take my spot. You can have it. Sure. Yeah, well, let's trade. I do consider Isaac six feet tall.

That's why I'm doing so many jabs. Yeah. Is that how it works? You can just consider someone a height that they're not? I consider you six feet tall. That's why I'm doing so many jabs. Yeah. Is that how it works? You can just consider someone a height that they're not? I consider you six feet tall. I think so. I consider David six feet tall. Yeah. I consider Sean a traitor.

Yeah. Sean and I have... We had a tall off in New Orleans after about we're roughly the same height I think that was like seven tequilas and I was like I'm taller oh I thought Ian was taller than she is taller but I swear on a stack of

Bibles we were in New Orleans and we looked the same height that we're not we've been again I've stood around Ian almost more than anyone ever and yeah you're taller but it's just the same height. We're not. Again, I've stood around you almost more than anyone ever. Yeah, you're taller. But it's just... In New Orleans, it was just a hair. I don't know why. Down on the bayou there, I get a little

bit closer to the ground. And I get a little bit taller down around Juvenile. Time to get that gumbo with me. Nicholas Cage gravesite. I was laid down. Get on down by the Anne Rice Museum down there.

You know, if you were a vampire. I was way down with like one and a half po-boys. Let's start down there. Oh, po-boys will bring you back to the ground. Right down to the ground. I had a shrimp and an oyster and a couple of bites of Sean's turkey.

Yeah. You had a turkey? God damn it, Sean. What? You want me to get something I hate? I know, I know, I know. I could have got one. I would have given him the money. I'd like to patronize the business and get what I'm supposed to get. But that's a poor boy. Isn't it just like a turkey cold like a sandwich?

Poor boy's a kind of fun, right? A poor boy, doesn't a poor boy imply like it's like a sandwich? A poor boy is a kind of bun, right? A poor boy doesn't imply it's like a fried thing. So you had a turkey? He had a turkey sandwich. Did I touch on something sensitive? Everybody got me. God damn it. Sean has

second grade food tastes. That's okay. It ain't going anywhere. If I was going to change, it would have changed. Your boy's 42. So, yeah, I'm not. You try the oyster?

He tries oysters all the time to his credit. He's always, let me test this. Let me test this. He's not one of those like. He does push his boundaries way more than anybody else I know. You will try that shit always. Always, always. Yeah, I think i will i will put it in front of you you really you you hate it immediately but you do it and it's like it's

always funny when you're like still now yeah remember when i got those tater tots with fish sauce and you were like yes big no so excited so good there's something in there no put it on five eleven's a great pick i don't know how i'm gonna come in all right with my fourth yeah i don't know what i'm gonna do let's get up there baby what are you there's a lot of heights still on the board by the way let me see okay you know what i'm gonna go ahead and take six foot one okay oh that's a good one it's the six foot where i believe you yeah those guys are almost a little too confident yeah i'm six one actually all right yeah all right but at the same time when i hear six i mean i got all sorts of alarms going off like are you six feet tall are you 5 10 like what's really going on feels like a little too perfect yeah it's a

visually upsetting number six one there's something about it that i don't like the six next to the one it's throwing me off it's discombobulating me, but at the same time, I do feel like I can trust you a little bit more than just a 6'1". I said 6'1 my whole life until probably four or five years ago. The doctor, he's like, you're 6'2". I was 6'1 my whole life.

Like, no, I'm fucking 5'10", and I look good on a skateboard, doc. I'm Rob Dyrdek. Can I be 5'10 for $100? What is Benjamin Franklin? How tall does he say I am? Yeah, 6'1". I just think it's the gentleman 6' tall.

Ah, I agree. I like that. I like that. Sean, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Oh, man. Damn. I'm going to have to pick some crazy shit. Sean, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Oh, man. Damn. Oh, no. I was backwards.

I'm going to have to pick some crazy shit. By the time it gets all the way back to me. Oh, yeah. This is and I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep track. Six, nine still on there. Yes, it is. OK. Six, nine.

It's hilarious. I'd be 69. Nice. But also, also, I can absolutely dunk if i'm 69 even in this body in my current 42 year old self you put me at 69 i can dunk so you jump a lot sean i feel like i wonder what your vertical is you stay jumping you jump every day yeah i don't know i was jumping with a dog yesterday and i was like man i don't be jumping no dude i hate jumping we were talking about this well yeah step when was the last time you fell down just beefed it when was the last time that happened

it's like a week ago oh did you fall backwards or forwards forwards Forwards, but it is... It's been a minute since I fell on. It is such a surprise when you're a grown-up. In front of the airport leaving Bozeman, Montana, I fell. More like Bozo, Montana. Full on fell. Like coming around the corner with my bags and just like... I don't even remember

what happened. Full on fall and roll. Did you hear me say more like Bozozo Montana? I liked it. I liked it. That's the kind of fall I'm talking about. Like on roller skates in the back of your mind, you're always like,

I could fall when you're walking. You're not really thinking I could fall. So yeah, it was trash. Yeah. Those are, those are rough ones. Uh,

six, nine. I'm, you know, it's really, it's just for dunking. It's dunking purposes. Say no more.

Yeah. I want to dunk. Dollop on that last drop of sour cream there, baby. What do we got? And then let's go 5-2. I don't have anything down there. And there's plenty of amazing things that happen at 5-2. So all kinds, all kinds of stuff.

All kinds of amazing things happen at 5 2 and since we're in such a hurry for the sake of time I feel like I don't need to dive in too much just all all you know I can everyone I can ride anything I want to once I know it I mean if you I just this I don't want to

like harp and joke certain I don't want to roller coasters right yeah you're good Maxine's ass got okay we went to Oaks Park last summer and she was tall enough then to ride on a roller coaster she was just over two years old

and the guy's like yeah I was like bro because it was a Phil Ferris wheel thing but he's like she can I go no she fucking can not I mean technically she's tall enough but that don't mean she can't anyway i remember they wouldn't let me ride a roller coaster at the seattle center when i was a kid and it hurt my because my friend that i came with he could ride it was bad i got booted off for being fat a couple times they kicked you

off of it for being fat they couldn't get the bar to close after I waited in line for two hours. Oh, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Read all about it in t-shirts. I thought you meant they eyeballed you. You would think they'd have

someone going around and be like, hey, come over here real quick or something, like if you're standing in line. Anyway. You're overestimating the carnies. Yeah.

No, there's a carny who is currently here. A dignified and wonderful kind of carny. I'm sorry. So 5-2, we got Amy Poehler. We got Christina Aguilera. We got... and wonderful kind of card. I'm sorry. So 5'2", we got Amy Poehler, we got Christina Aguilera, we got Alyssa Milano.

We know it's a good height. Yeah, it's a good height. It's crazy that they're all smoke shows. Kim Kardashian, Christina Aguilera, Alyssa Milano. Kim is 5'2"? I thought she was way taller. I thought she was like 6'1". She's little

Me too You know who's not little in the Kardashian family It's Khloe Oh she's tall I saw Amber Rose Once in real life Well not all She's more little than I had ever thought

Interesting Who's that little rapper Yeah she's more little than I had ever thought. Huh. Interesting. Who's that little rapper? Koi Leray. You know who I'm talking about, Koi? Yeah, she's short. She seems kind of tall. She seems like 5'8". Yeah, I agree.

She just has like, she's like really muscly and tight. So she has, yeah, she's 5'4", which is like. Okay. I'm pretty muscly and tight. A lot of people say that. This is where it's nice to have the, yeah, to have gone already. Because now it's really slim pickings for you guys. I didn't realize why I went first.

This is why I went first. Yeah, I'm fucked. I guess I got to take 5'5". Oh, is that not shit? Laura's 5'5". Is that still on there? It's on the board. And I get your wife's height.

And now she's my wife. Oh, I knew that was... Laura! Let her know. She's not here. I'm kidding. Let her know who's hiding it. I'll text her and be like, you and Ian just got married.

I don't know why, but 5'5 bums me out. I have no reasoning for it whatsoever, but something about it, I don't know. Let me go ahead and unfurl a list of powerhouse men who are 5'5".

No, I believe you. Lil Wayne. All right. Mel Brooks. I thought you were going to say Mel Gibson. I thought you were going to say Gibson. He gets a pass for being a tall guy. Billy fucking Joel, dude.

Whoa. Little guy hero, Elijah Wood. David Spade is 5'5". You better fucking believe that James Spade is 5'5". You better fucking believe that James Brown himself is 5'5". I'm just telling you my visceral gut reaction. Jerry Stiller, Nathan Lane.

Some of our finest Broadway talents. Nathan Lane seems taller. He does. Elijah Wood, 5'5". That makes sense. Put him in your pocket. Robin Williams in your pocket together Jerry Stiller got me because he's I think he might be the funniest guy ever

5'5 is maybe the funniest height you can be just based on that list I read out maybe if you're 5'5 you're funny like inherently right yeah you have to be Jerry Stiller he seriously might be he's definitely in like the top 5 of the funniest people ever. Top five of five.

I think so. I don't think there's many people who are funnier than him. You want a piece of me? You know, he's, but what's fucked up? He's not even the funniest five foot five guy. Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks. I, listen, man, I love Mel Brooks. Watched baseballs last night,

weirdly enough. it's on i like i like you're about to say something here i i like i know i i know it's fucked up opinions can't be wrong i know that that is inherent it's just it's so visceral with like jerry stiller can do it to me with a look you know but but mel brooks can do it to you with a typewriter listen and, and I love it. I saw Mel, was it me and you that we saw him together? No, I didn't go to that. At the Microsoft Theater?

I was there, but I wasn't with you. I was with Charlene, I think. Who was I with? I don't know. I saw him. Were you with Will and, well, whatever, sorry. Alright, we gotta wrap it up. Britt, is your final pick? Five Feet is still available five feet

even is still available no that's gone no David has it Sean I'll go ahead and host the podcast I've been hosting for more than 300 episodes five feet is no longer available so I'll go with four nine because four nine is like average height

for like 12, 13-year-old. Did I say 5'9"? No, I meant 4'9". 4'9 is like average height for 12, 13-year-old girl, which I was once. So there's something kind of warm and sweet about that.

Absolutely. It's a very sweet height. Yeah, it's like... David Borey what do I have left I feel like I'm going to try and go in order there's 4-9

5 feet 5-2 5-1 is available 5-4 is unavailable 5-3 is unavailable 5-4, 5-5, 5-6 5-7 is unavailable. 5-5 is unavailable. 5-3 is unavailable. 5-4, 5-5, 5-6.

5-7 is unavailable. 5-8 is unavailable. 5-9 is unavailable. 5-9. 10 and 11. 10 and 11 are gone. 6 is open. 6 is open.

6-1 is gone. 6-2 is open. 6-3 is gone. I guess I'll put 6 as like an aspirational it's the it's the line right it's what we all seek to get to we hope to get past at some point in high school i had my eyes on the six foot prize i thought i thought i was like i really thought i was like if i could get to six feet i could at least play football for more years. I was pretty confident. I see what you're saying.

You know what I mean? I feel bad for people who are earnestly six feet tall because again, none of us believe you. Nobody believes you. Nobody believes you. And it's just like, at some point it became the standard. I remember I had a roommate who was really terrible and she would always say, it's not a man if it's not six foot. She also had a lot of other terrible things she said. Yeah, that's not a man if it's not six foot. She also had a lot of other terrible things she said. Yeah. That's not someone's only issue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's just perfect. Yeah. For some reason, that's the line and that's notable for that in and of itself. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Six feet. It's a, it's a pivotal line. Shout out to six feet for making people feel both great and terrible about themselves i've extracted a lot of self-esteem from it by doing nothing other than continuing to not tall yeah where i'm like well at least i'm six three you know yeah i feel like that's how a lot of tall people feel it's never it's never been something where i'm like well at least i got that i've never once thought that it's that's wild to me we gotta we gotta rewire you yeah we gotta put you back together being proud of being successful oh that guy can rewire me came on yeah that guy's rewiring

all of us right now it felt it felt right it felt like the time they're smudged though because they are good looking they're touching them you going to wear those during the special? I'm going to wear them on my bike in 20 minutes. Well, just to recap, Isaac, there's not a lot of heights left, but. No one took 6'2", and no one took 4'11", right? No, nobody did. I got a friend who's 4'11". She's a darling. Her name is Peaches.

4'11", I'll take. I is Peaches 4'11 I'll take What a combination of words Oh yeah her name is Priscilla We call her Peaches She's a darling her name is Peaches Of course Isaac knows her Our dear 5'10 friend Isaac K. Lee Thank you

To recap Sean you went first You took 5'10, 5'9, 6'6, 6'9 And 5'2 I went second I took 5'10", 5'9", 6'6", 6'9", and 5'2". I went second. I took 6'3", 5'6", 7'0", 6'1", and 5'5". Brittany, you went third. You took 6'4", 5'3", 5'7", 5'11", and 4'9". And David, you went last, and you took 5'8", 5'6", 6'7", 5'4", and 6' tall.

What a collection of picks. We want to hear your picks. and six feet tall. What a collection of picks. We want to give you a gift. We left on the board. We got a six-two on the board. I'm six-two. Shout out to Sean.

We were leaving it for you, man. I hate how tall I am. To honor you. Well, we love how tall you are. I love every inch of that five-foot-two, my friend. Appreciate it, buddy. Every single inch of it. There's a couple I could take your lead.

I'm leaving a foot out on purpose. Ian's always hated my nipple area, like right across my chest. I've had constructive criticism and he hasn't taken any of it in kind. And I won't. Am I his nipples? Nipple criticism? I rapped under the name nipple criticism for a while.

I was in that Minneapolis scene. Hit us up with your picks. All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Shaslackity, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Super Producer Isaac

on the ones, the twos, the fives, and the tens. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. and more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shclackity! that was a hate gun podcast