All Fantasy Everything - Hero Fantasies (w/ Sean Patton)

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on...Guest:Sean Patton (IG @mrseanpatton, X @mrseanpatton)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we are drafting hero fantasies. Our guest today is the standup comedian, the actor, our friend for more than a decade now, I want to say. Yeah. Way more, I think. Sean Paz. I think way more, dude.

I've known him for 35 years. 35? Yeah, exactly. You guys were? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We hit puberty together at the same time. All of us Sean's meet, we have a dinner when we're five and then we're friends for life.

It's like the Skulls. You were in an elite East Coast boarding school together, right, just sort of Dead Poets Society style? Like the Skulls, I'm saying. We were in a secret society Yeah, it's Sean Conn, you know, you end up, you know the SCA and Sean's we kind of you know You end up hanging out with them and there's a W's get fucking losers and then the AU guys you're like, bro I don't even know what what happened. That's a lot of those guys. Those are like Montessori kids, right?

The most famous one. The Sean White. He was there. Is he an AUN? The Flying Tomatoes AUN, I wanna say. Well, now lately there's S-C-H-O-N. What? That's crazy. That's nasty work.

Is that like Celtic? Uh... Celtic? Celtic would be like S-I-O-N-N-E, like something like that. It'd be like Sean, you know? Yeah. Like, let's just say the guy I met, he could play for the Celtics or the Celtics. No, we knew. I want you to go in. We'd go into one of those bars, like from the department and be like, when's the Celtics game on?

Yeah, right? How far you think that would go? Hey, the Celtics playing today? You're just in there wearing a kilt covered in mud? Yeah, yeah. You're not even from the right, that's not even the right country. No.

I immigrated over when my mom was a child. Well, how'd you bond together? It's pronounced Celtic, your fucking flat-tongued American, paces a shite. That's what she had to do. I need a table for me bagpipes. I want to watch Jice and Titan. Oh no, I forgot the bagpipes, but I brought the chelate. I just started mouthing people in the knee. That guy's just trying to bring you a drink, it's a waiter. I brought me own remote, me hearty.

The pirates? I went pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate.

I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate that guy's just trying to bring you a drink. It's a waiter.

I brought me own remote to be hearty. Are they pirates? I went pirate. You're holding an M16 so nobody says anything? Oh, that'd be fun. He's gotta double down, dude. I feel like in those situations, you just gotta have an M16 in your mind

and just triple down and be like. You ever been in one of those bars? Wait, what, like a SouthX those like one of those scary Boston bars like at the departed or the town like one of those I don't know never been in one. I know I've never been one of those in Boston I've stumbled into a couple early on in my early years in New York and definitely down here. Definitely New Orleans. Yeah, but Irish bar where it's Irish guys and they don't want anybody else in there? Oh yeah, I've been- Just one of those, yeah.

Two different Ireland's 32s. Cause I guess that's a common Irish bar name. The scene of the departed, that bar that was so scary, it was like light in there. Yes, and wood panel walls and like 10 people, six of them. Quiet. One of them's Mr. French.

How does this place make money? Oh, that's right. Don't worry about it. It goes and stuff too. Don't ask that question. Doesn't matter how this place makes money. It burns down once every six years. That's how it makes money. And with two or three unfortunate souls in there.

Yeah, oh God, oh they couldn't make it out. Oh, they couldn't make it out. Their feet were handcuffed together. But that's okay. And then they say, does fire burn handcuffed metal? I think it does. We're gonna find out. There's not enough mob conspiracy guys out there.

You know? Where are those guys? I don't think they make it out of those fires. Yeah, I do not. The mob guys are just like, I think the government killed Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah.

Telly, do you think that? I swear to God it wasn't us. I know a lot of people think it was us. I think he acted alone. I don't know. You guys see what's compelling, Anthony? I thought it was a people think it was us. I think he acted alone. I don't know. You guys see what's compelling? I thought it was a brain aneurysm. I thought it was just a guy out pop, you know,

hunting quail. I think it was. Wrong place, wrong time. Happens all the time. He realized he cheated on his wife and his head exploded. He forgot what he did. He was listening to Shane Torres' comedy CD and his mind literally blew out of his head. Shane, we didn't bring it up. For the first time, we didn't bring you up.

Everything bagels should cost more and then BAM! Gone! The amount of diplomats that get assassinated by Shane's brilliant comedy. Diplomats. I love that idea. A comedian that doesn't know it but they're a fucking assassin, they just, someone sends the President of Bolivia a clip like, oh this, oh! Yes! Bolivia! Jemma Phillips did it again.

It's too insightful! The worst place too strong. The choices he made. That's like some shit the CIA tried like in the 60s when they were sending Fidel Castro exploding cigars and all that stuff. They're like, we're going to try and send him this Lenny Bruce CD and see if his head explodes. CD. They had CDs though. They did all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way before, way before. Is that exploding cigar thing, is that real?

Yes. Really? Yeah, right? Yeah. I've never heard of that. I mean, of course I trust you. This is me not knowing that that was, that's crazy. I just accept that it's true.

It's like a stick of dynamite wrapped in a tobacco leaf. Here, smoke this Fidel. It's a good one. I think it- Where Ian is sitting, it looks like you just have troves of information in front of you. Yeah. It's a sparkling room.

And when I'm not podcasting, I have all those books open, I'm pouring over them. At the same time. You got a pen in your, you got like a pencil in your mouth. I've got an open Chinese food container with me at all times. So as to make it appear I've been here like all night.

A loose tie. Loose tie, sleeves rolled up, furrowed brow. You can find me in here. Pouring sweat. Vegan jambalaya. Vegan jambalaya. Big old bed of vegan jambalaya. Take it with you.

Let's go. It's true. That's crazy. Exploding cigars. I heard the guy loves cigars. I can't believe he passed it up. That's like a party prank. Did they try all the pranks? Did someone show up with a 200 volt buzzer?

A 200 volt buzzer? Like, Mr. Casper. Pleasure to meet you. Like, who, where's that, like the Joker in the first Batman. They shackled him to a ball and chain when he wasn't looking and then they asked him to get him a beer. I think we've accidentally stumbled upon a movie that could not be made now

but would have for sure been made in 2004. Which is a team of elite comedians, Cascail comedians get sent to Cuba to try to kill Fidel Castro in gags. The seltzer water thing, just like super high water pressure. Like the punching nun but the fist go for 200 yards. Yeah, that's a good bit.

Titanium, like sharp titanium. Armor pierce and boxing gloves. Yeah. The bow tie is razor sharp. Armor piercing boxing gloves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The bow tie is razor sharp. All right, anyway, sorry. All right.

Riff, riff, riffity doodah. WhoopiPie has arsenic in it. We can keep going. Maybe we should actually write the script. Yeah. I'm gonna start a final draft doc and just invite everyone. Yeah. Let's just get some stuff around.

We'll see if anyone has any ideas. You're in New Orleans right now, Sean Patton. I am. I'm in New Orleans at my sister's place in the French Quarter. Just here for a few days after, or two days after, a bachelor party for my little brother. You just have to go to New Orleans and get your head right for a couple of days. Yeah, yeah. Just like completely. Real quick. Just to completely. Let me stop and chill out in New Orleans for a couple days.

It's a very easy place to just mellow out. Come back down, just come back down to neutral in New Orleans. We are, I was texting him before this and I got the go ahead from Andrew at Sports Drink. So we can announce this now, although nothing's on sale yet and there's no official announcement We're all gonna be in the jewel City. Mm-hmm, New Orleans May 8 9th and oh no, it's 8 the 9th 9th and 10th my 9th and 10th may 9th and 10th

They're doing at sports drink in New Orleans, they're doing a, uh-oh, I've frozen. I've frozen, my audience is gonna keep going. No you didn't. You still have, no you're good. We're gonna be at, Andrew at Sports Drink is starting on. Put this over. Okay. Should I start it over?

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Okay. Am I blowing it? I feel like I'm blowing it. Feel like I'm doing the worst job about it. You're making it memorable, you're making it memorable. Okay, good. Am I blowing it? I feel like I'm blowing it. Feel like I'm doing the worst job about it? You're making it memorable. You're making it memorable. Okay, good.

Hey, hey out there in podcast land. Are you anywhere in the American Southland? Fuck, dude, I am blowing it. Come on, you're not blowing it. Let me pull through. 9th and 10th, Andrew at Sports Drink is putting on like a comedy festival at Sports Drink. We've all performed there individually. It's the greatest. Andrew's the greatest.

The lineup for this comedy festival. That I don't know if I can share. Yeah, it's a fucking fire-ass lineup. Yeah, it's amazing. It's insane. We're all gonna be there. They've all been on the show. Maybe one of them has noticed how much everything bagels cost. I don't know. Yeah, maybe. I think, I think, I think, I'm not gonna say the guy's name, but it rhymes with Langston Kerman. I think he's gonna be there. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Um. Shit. Uh. Uh. I think I'm gonna speak on this.

Prankston, Prankston Herman's going? Prankston Herman? Oh shit, oh that's what I was gonna say. Fuck, that's it, that's it, Prankston Herman. Prankston Herman was one of the guys in the CIA set. In the cat. Yeah. We're all racing there. It's crazy when you can look at someone's face. Anyway, it'll be fun in New Orleans. You want to go. You will enjoy yourself. It'll be Megara dude.

Because also like, just to give a plug, yes, it is one of the worst named comedy clubs you've ever heard. No, don't do that. The sport drink. Don't do that, too. No, no. He's okay with this. But that's what I love about it.

It's memorable. It makes you go, wait, say that again? And then once you go, you see why it's called that. And you're like, that's fucking hilarious. So much fun. Yeah. It's the thing. That city is this, New Orleans has needed a club exactly like this for so

long. Where it's in like, it's up in, you know, mid, not mid city, it's in uptown, like near the, near the, where, not the where, Jesus Christ, Ian, is this shit contagious? Yeah. I think you guys are too hyped. Sean, can I ask you something? Did you recently have a conversation or listen to Shane Torres' comedy in any way? Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, man. The brain scrambler. Well, just hearing you talk about the bagels bit. Ah! You know, took out a part of my phone. I'll be dead within seven days. Yeah. It's like watching that tape in the ring.

Oh, yeah. Jesus. It's in the ring is and everything bagel You know I heard the other day Diarrhea someone called it sting ring. That was pretty funny. Oh, I don't like that That sounds like a you is that you are you trying? Oh, check. I was in Target the other day. Sounds like it.

Somebody screamed out there like, my sting ring hurts from diarrhea. What do you guys think that's funny? What that stranger said there? Would you laugh if somebody said that on stage? Would that be funny? Oh man. Sure, hilarious in this context.

But if somebody said it on stage, would he like? if former if if former New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady changed his name and started to stand up. He might be at this particular That was a good hit. That was a good hit. if Spanish if if if Sugar Ray Leonard changed his name to Spanish, is that what Duel say? Does Duel say sweet?

If Rob Haze was gonna be there. No. No. I'm trying to make it. Nice, dude, nice, nice, nice. Yeah, number one, number one. I just wanted to get in the bit, you know? Well, like it was passing by. It's like uptown wanted to get in the bit, you know? Yeah, dude.

It's like uptown, it's in the awesome part of the city, it's all locals. I fucking love it. Love it so much. What do you mean? If, like, we're gonna be doing a couple live AFEs, you should come. You should come. If you're listening to this, you should come. That was like one of my most, that was maybe one of my most fun gigs last year. Dude, I love it. That was so hard. Was pushing most fun gigs last year. Dude, I love that place rules so hard. Was pushing of the whole year.

Yeah, it was very fun. So come to that. Sean S. Jordan is here. Sean Cougar, Mel and Jordan on Instagram. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Yeah, off Twitter. Off Twitter? On Blue Sky now, they're on threads and all of it.

You can find me. He's on Blue Sky. Yeah. David and I, can we say it yet? Oh. Yes. Yeah, see. March 1st we'll be in Renton.

David and I were doing some theater in Renton. I don't know when the tickets will be out, but that'll be very fun. I don't either, but it's a big room, so come feel it. Seattle. It's like North of Seattle. It's like the Beaverton of Seattle. We're like, it's deep in Montana.

I'll determine if it's the Beaverton of Seattle. It isn't, by the way, but we'll be there. It'll be in Montana. I'll determine if it could be even in his headlock. It isn't by the way, but we'll be there. It'll be very fun. I'm Googling Renton right now and it better be glowing reviews. Oh, it's a picture of a lake. It's not glowing reviews.

It's kind of rough, I think, in Renton. Wait, Ian, whenever you're in like Denver or in Austin and you walk past a Voodoo Doughnuts, you're like, huh, I'll be the judge of that. Yeah. Yeah. I walk walk in I show them I don't even have an organ idea anymore but I I'll just some facts about organ I expect a discount I will say part of me that expects the discount when I go

into voodoo donuts do they give it to you no no never once no no even the Portland one they're not like I've gotten a free donut at the Portland one but I think most of the people who worked at Voodoo Donuts, who knew who I was, that era has long passed. Because it's always like younger kids, and none of them know who I am. I did a gig with you where they made a donut that looked like you. It was crazy. I've never seen anything like it. It looked like me, it looked like Drake, it looked like all Drake Jewish-American.

Listen, you tried to do art on a maple bar, it comes out ambiguous a little bit. Yeah, yeah. It's not fucking... It's not a goddamn brand new canvas, alright? Oh, shit. They were doing a job on top of a job. You bring Leonardo da Vinci back to life, he's like, I don't know.

And he's just eating it like, you're amazing! Oh. This is so delicious! They put the Captain crunch on the bar. I never make art in these beautiful. Is he the flesh of the pig on top of the sweet? Who thought of that? That's amazing.

Maple bacon is still interesting. Wait a minute. Did you stop in Italy before Costa Rica? It's just a spot on accent, Sean. Oh, buddy. Isaac, cut that out. I tried. That's pretty good. Isaac, cut that out. I tried. That's pretty good.

Isaac, leave it in. Isaac, take everything else out. Oh, that's the whole show? That's the whole episode. The whole show. Leave Ian stuttering over the fact that we're gonna be in New Orleans. Will you do me a solid meet me in the middle?

Can we keep both those in? Isaac, we'll use the AI that they used on The Brutalist and Amelia Perez to just sort of smooth that out. And give me a Hungarian accent Hungarian accent. Thank you. Thank you. I do want to hire like a true like Haitian voodoo like priest to go into a

Just let him fuck just curse the whole thing. He just kills a chicken and throws it on the floor like this. They just wish you're all gonna die Sean I have to stop you there. Did you stop over in Haiti on your way to record a Or and I finally took a honeymoon I'll tell you, Laura and I finally took a honeymoon. We took a voodoo moon. I just wiped his white face I've been wearing for 30 years off. I'm from Port-au-Prince. One of our great Haitians, Sean Patton.

Finally. Finally I get the recognition. Rent-in-Washington is where the... Oh yeah, that's right. March 1st. March 1st? Finally, finally I get the recognition. Renton, Washington is where the, where is it? Oh yeah, that's right. March 1st. March 1st, yeah. March 1st.

I will be in Portland right before that if you wanna come meet the boy. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. I wanna come meet him in LA before that and I'll talk to you about that as soon as I get permission. I want to. I have a son, Sean Patton.

I do, I did get a child, I didn't know this boy. So that's cool I'm the boy in there in there named a son of Sean Patton. I have a son Sean Sean Patton senior though. He got you he got you there over the top We'll do some crazy like story about time travel reversal, you know, I mean how like you I'm actually your son, too Yeah I'm I'm also my own great-grandfather in this scenario, which is Complicated morally the snake ate its tail. Yeah. Yep. They gave his tail and then went back to seconds You know, you're not freezing I don't. Maybe you're freezing on your end.

I'm freezing on my end. I gotcha. Well, you're not on your not to us. I flailed wildly and knocked over a whiteboard with ideas that I wrote on it about two months ago and have not since returned to. Hey man. You ever get that wild hair up your ass? Oh brother, I fucked a whiteboard up.

Whole fucking flow chart. It's all gonna happen for me next month. And that's it. This is how I'm gonna do it. There's like a meal plan on there. You know what I want? I want to be able to make my text messages different colors. Can you do that? Is that on your whiteboard?

What? I want to send you colored letters. I believe they're letters of color, dude. Come on. Jesus. Jesus, buddy. Jesus. Come on, dude. Wow.

Sorry, I want to send you letters of color. Anywhere else you're going to be bringing your signature far right brand of stand-up comedy show? Do you want Isaac to leave it in? They had to find out at some point. Letters of color is so fucking funny. Yeah. No, dude, I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. Don't Isaac leave it in. They had to find out at some point. Letters of color is so fucking funny. Yeah. The um... Wait, I wanna come to both of these shows, but I can't. I'm not performing in Portland. I'm just... I'm there. My dad is turning 70 years of age. So we're flying the baby up for the first time. Is he having a big party? Can I go?

It's at the beach. So if you wanna drive to the beach. In Oregon? Two hours from Portland. Yeah, if I can get that off, can I go? Yeah, absolutely. Tight. Man, I want to go to a beach in Oregon on March 1st.

That sounds beautiful and not freezing and wet. It's going to be so cold and so wet. But, I love the Oregon coast maybe even more when it's like bad weather. Cause you just like start a fire and you watch the weather roll in and it's like cozy dude. It's amazing, it really is. You hover over a hot beverage, you know that?

What time of year did they shoot? The Goonies. That's good Oregon. I don't know, that is good Oregon. But I don't know where they shoot. That could almost be any time. I mean it's always, like it's not always, but it's cloudy and gloomy out there a lot which I love it's very very And cozy are you not are you not in Portland right now Sean? Yeah, but I'm not on the coast

You know what I mean? You're not I'm in Portland Portland ain't on the coast. I thought man, and I thought you had multiple homes I thought you had no not yet Vacation home you wait until my letters of color get out to the world multiple homes. I thought you had... Nah, not yet. I'm cooking baby. I thought you were on that vacation home. You wait until my letters of color get out to the world. The NFT collapse really set Sean back a couple of houses. Set my whole family back. Also he was heavy in hoctua coin, which was... Big.

He said this is going to turn it around, is I think what the tech said. He bought the dip. I think he said Sean's back Back was imported from what colors I know Lately, especially the past like decade the whole like everyone's been referencing like oh my god. We're becoming idiocracy You know like that movie but nothing to me was more that than the fact that there was a crypto coin named after a Pre jerk off like a pre-handjob situation. Yes, and yeah That was the most like get the fuck out of here really like if that would have taken off

I would have I don't know man. What was society of actually been a currency based on spitting on a penis I mean, yeah, I got a warehouse full of merch that would lead you to believe it did take off. I'm trying to get rid of it. Oh man. Any other gigs, Sean? And Fort Collins at the end middle of March. I'll put dates up on the socials, but yeah, those'll be fun.

David Morris here, CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Where can people see you? Oh, I'm here January and February just doing local shows. And then in March, I'm at the Sanctuary in, what is that? Is that Kentucky? Is it Kentucky? Or is it Cincinnati? But it's Cincinnati.

It's like across the river, right? It's like a borough of Cincinnati. Cincinnati had boroughs. Yeah, I think I'm there like March 14th and then that same weekend. I'm also at the Comedy Corner in Minneapolis. I don't know. I got to get all my dates in a row. There's stuff coming. I don't have any of it written. You'll be in Renton March 1st.

I will be in Renton March 1st. I'll be in Rapid City, Sean's home, the home of Sean's birth, telling people I've never heard of him. Brother, you keep running them out. I will close it for you. The home of Sean's birth telling people I've never heard of him brother Will close it for you come to Rapid City and close it for me if they would have Said he would come they were like the club might get shut down for another stabbing if I show up Wild ass fan base there Jordan we're nuts the Jordan is yeah, they're crazy Shawn it's why it is a wild town Rapids buck. It's the only my only experience before me in the end of Dakotas at all was in

What's the one in South Dakota Sioux Falls Sioux Falls When I did a show this was in I want to say 2014 maybe With a former comedian, I don't know what he does now, but Ian Douglas Terry if you remember that guy Yeah, but I remember IDG. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he set us up a show there at a bar. It was a good show, but what I remember more so was afterwards we were at another bar and I was talking to like, I don't know, three women from the show and some random dude comes over and he's like, man, I'm so sorry, I gotta pull you away. I just wanna do a shot with you, man.

I just wanna do one shot with you. Just one. I was like, all right, bro. Cool and he pulls me aside He gives me a shot. He goes hey man, take the shot and get the fuck out of here. I was like And he was like, I'm not being no, no, it's not me man. He points over He's like and he's like look over there. It's table guys. They are plotting your demise right now because you're talking to all the women That's right demise right now because you're talking to all the women. That's right. And I was like, get in line dickhead. He's like dude, I'm being serious, just take the shot, walk out, your boy's already out there, and I do the shot and I walk out and Ian's out there. Smugly. You're lucky you got the warning. But it was basically like, yeah, he was like,

yeah man, apparently there's not a lot of women in this town and you were occupying 81% of them. You said to beat three. That is a little much. I was even getting Jordan's tackles up right now. I couldn't believe it. I thought that didn't really just happen. That actually just happened. Any chance you remember the name of that bar? I would pay money to buy that bar right now. That would be a lot.

And just fly in women from from Huckle, Costa Rica You might flip it on it's here, I don't know if I don't know ready for that But yeah, that's my only experience performing in the Dakotas Sounds like a one and done where can be what, Sean Patton is here, he is our guest today. Comedy specials on Peacock, on YouTube, the English teacher, which is fucking awesome, dude. Thank you. You're awesome, man.

You're so funny. You are so phenomenal on that show. I mean, just in general, but I, you gotta get your flowers, Playboy, you killed it. Thank you. So funny, so just, you're just fucking general, but I- you gotta get your flowers Playboy. You killed it. Thank you. So funny. So just- you're just fucking rule dude. You're so good. Thank you. Yeah. I love doing it so, yeah.

Also good at accepting compliments. I'm trying. You really are. You make an eye contact. I mean we're on a computer but- Trying. Trying. Well I feel like you know when you're a comedian, first you get very shy about that shit because I feel like it's bad. You know what I think it is? I think early on too, you get, not even early on, it's forever in your comedy career, but

you'll get like, you'll do a show and you'll have a great set and you'll have those three people that come over and say, you know, great set. And if you have a fucking soul, you're a little humble about it. And then just when you start to open up, then you'll get the one asshole who's like, I don't know. My girl laughed at you, but I don't know, dude. And I'm like, fuck you. Keep going. Don't stop. Yeah. Just keep doing it, dude. I don't think people do that to actors. I think there's so many filters before you can get to an actor.

The actors aren't here, you know. No one's walking up right after the movie and talk to the actor. Yeah, nobody's walking up to Scoot McNary at a, you know, like at a coffee shop, like, hey dude, my wife loves you, but I don't really get it. I would, I'd say, my wife loves you,

and I love you so much more. Can I please shake your hand? I love Scoot McNary. You're a big Scoot guy? Big Scoot guy. Like no one's walking up to Scoop McNary and going I don't know who you are. Can you clarify for the podcast I'm doing? Yeah, not a hundred percent sure who you are Hey, have you got this yet Sean? Have you got anyone? Or you're in a crappy town and they're like, so do you do you live in Rapid City? You just go around. Do you live in Rapid City? You just going off?

I can't afford that much Kevlar. Or whatever like job you had before you broke a little bit, they'll be like, oh, so do you still walk dogs? No! Come on, you paid money to come to this show. Where do you get some of it? Have you had someone to use, yet Sean say you're that guy since you're that guy now? anyone been like you're from that thing

Yeah, it's not a ton. It's only been one season thus far. Yeah. Yeah, I've had people like roll up and it's been pretty cool Um, I get I kind of have resting psycho face, which I've learned you sure do. Yeah I don't mean to but Yeah, I don't mean to. So I've actually. I've actually. Yeah, I've had people like, you know, wait till I start talking to them after shows and then be like, oh, and by the way, I want to say this. I should have just said it, but I look I catch myself in the mirror and I'm just like. Oh, yeah, I wouldn't talk to me either.

Fuck. When you look in the mirror, that weird like, like music starts playing every time you look in the mirror. Who, who, seriously though, who is Scoot McNary? Yeah, I don't know who that is either. I thought it was two different guys. You know him. That's your boy.

I know. It's wish he's in. What's the newest one with James McAvoy? See No evil. He was recently a night bitch. Yeah. Oh, I saw night bitch. Yeah.

He's the husband and night bitch. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Not for me. I don't, I don't get it.

He was in a Narcos season. He's, he's great. He's just really good in everything. He does night bitch. I don't want to get into it. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't like it. I don't like it Yeah, felt like the worst of millennial code. Yes, dude. Yeah, okay data

And I talked about this for like an hour after the movie. What's millennial code? You guys just had a kid so we just had a kid Yeah, yeah, meet a lot of watch you really is like the worst of Yeah, I 2000% know this dude fuck you. Yeah Yeah, yeah, I've,000 percent know this dude. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, I've seen him in fun shit. Work, work an actor. Work an actor. Scoot McNary. He was the boy, the like, ex-boyfriend of Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl. Like the guy that B-Lo, that Ben Aff like, met with and he kind of explained how she's a psycho. You know who he is.

Yeah, we've seen him. Business Bob, Business Bob Millworth. Sorry, I don't know why I got so mad. I don't know why I got so mad. Psycho anyway You and it's good, dude. I was fucking dick already, alright? Anybody could have been a night bitch. They won't tell you that he was the original third on this podcast. Have any booked something and were like, oh, I guess boring. I'll never tell you this. These pricks. Yeah, but... Where can people see you? What sort of information would you like to disseminate? Where can people see you? What do we have? When would this episode drop? This Thursday. Perfect. So, this Thursday, I am at, okay, so I'm at

another bad-named comedy club, but apparently it's pretty fucking great. I'm at a place called Duck Duck Goofs in Boston. I should be gone. So if you're listening to this podcast right now, these shows are tonight with Ryan Donahue and me at Duck Duck Goofs in Boston. Leave the scary Irish guy bar. Come see my shows instead.

Apparently the club's amazing. It's in Somerville. No, wait a minute. It's not called Duck Duck Goose. It's called Duck Duck Goose. No, it's not. No, it's not. I was saying Duck Duck Goose.

Was it not coming up? No. Goof with an S. Goof with an S. I thought you were saying Duck Duck Goose too. It's true. No, that's because your brain hears Goose. You're like, there thought you were saying Duck Duck Goose too. It's my bad. No, that's because your brain hears Goofs you like there's no way he's saying Goofs. There's no way he's saying Duck Duck Goose.

It's called Duck Duck Goose. Holy shit. That's great. That's like a joke comedy club name. Like when comics talk about a bad weekend they're like I'm down at Duck Duck Goofs and El Lasso. Yeah. A lot of weekend out. Good looking menu.

You're already on the menu? What? Yeah. Have you been to the Goofs in Anchorage? It's fucking weird up there, man. Shicks. We don't even have ducks. You open the show at the Goofs, and then

they bring up locals to close. Yeah, it's weird. It's backwards. No, that's just, we're making a mistake. Sean Dan on a low ticket warning too, so act fast. Yeah, that's tonight. I'm on their website. And then the weekend after, the 24th and 25th of January,

I'm at Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine, which is fucking great. And then Sunday the 26th, I'm at, it's a one-night province, Rhode Island comedy connection. And then two weekends later, I got on the on the sixth, Eau Claire, Wisconsin, seventh and eighth, laughing tap in Milwaukee. And then there's nothing live date wise on my calendar because I might be busy for a couple of months.

Oh, yeah. Which I can't officially say why. Going back to Costa Rica? Yes. Finish the job. Finish the job. Gonna go find all my... Exactly.

Gotta get through them all in two months. You're gonna go live amongst the toucans and really connect with God. Exactly dude. Really find out. My español is gonna be just as bad. Hola. Fantastic. And y'all is gonna be just as bad. Oh la. Fantastic, my name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on all those platforms,

Blue Sky, Twitter, Instagram, everything. On YouTube, IKCoolJu, where you can follow me. My special, Comfort Beyond God's Foresight, comes out very soon, comes out February 4th on 800 pound gorilla and then on the 18th Everywhere else make sure you check that out. Very proud of it. I think it's real funny By I would vouch I would vouch for all of you guys. I don't I don't say that enough 2025 the year of letting friends know I think all of you are brilliantly funny gentlemen, and I always enjoy my time with you I couldn't

Seriously, we usually save that stuff for the end or after we've had some drinks, but you know I mean like Let's get in the middle. I was actually I wasn't gonna mention it in New Orleans at all I was I wasn't gonna bring it up even a little bit Shorts coming with bad vibes in New Orleans But wait, but then also I interrupted Ian's plug session. No, I also want to return the con... Even more like, you've always... And not that like the industry is any sort of real barometer

of like quality or success or anything like that, but I've been like, you've been one of my favorite stand-up comedians and just one of the most original and like dynamic and so good like great on film and then like this entirely different amazing experience live and then just to get to watch like Somebody finally be like, oh we should put that guy in something, you know and have it hit. It's like yeah No shit, you fucking idiot like

Are we are we are we doing this now? Because you're you're the first cool guy comic guy You were the first coolest guys. It was you Hannibal and Kyle were like the three like That JFL bit about the puppies in your asshole man, I probably watched that just getting down with my comic friends So I remember I remember I think I think we met in Oakland David Yeah, you did that you did the show at the new parish and I remember that too This is crazy cuz this is like there's probably 15 years ago You were like we were so excited to have you we couldn't believe it I couldn't believe we were gonna give somebody a thousand dollars and before the show you were like Everybody says Sean put it Patton's funny, but he can't sell any fucking tickets

I didn't even know that was a thing you had to worry about later on You did something is it was really fun, but yeah, I remember that solo well speaking of money I think cuz I feel like you you were you were kind of an unofficial member of the Fine Gentlemen's Club out of Denver, right? I was with them a lot too. I was with them a lot too. Do you remember, I think it was like the first or second Fun Fun Fun Fest where it was me and Funch's headlining. Too much Funstival, yeah.

I think Kyle was there too. Kyle was there too, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my favorite moments ever is fucking Bobby coming over and being like, hey man, will you take cash? And I think we were both getting, I think F I think I functions are both getting like 700 bucks or something I'll be yeah, man. He's like, do you mind singles? And I thought he was joking Amazing Fucking wad of singles. Thank you

That's amazing. It's just a fucking wad of singles. So like, yep, thank you. Thank you for being here. Can I tell one more funny Sean Patton story? My first Bridgetown, I was at the Tanker, not even a show. You remember they had the open mic at the Tanker? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh you had the Bridgetown shirt. This was probably like 2011. And you came up and you were like, hey man, what's your name? And I was like, I'm David. And you were like, you want a beer? And you bought me a beer. And then you left And I was like, I'm David. And you're like, you want a beer? And you bought me a beer. And then you left and I was like, I'm really doing it. Comics taking a shine to me.

And then I saw you do like risk or something the next day. And you're like, the industry is fucked up. You know what I've been doing? I just been coming up to new comics. I don't know. And buying them beers all weekend. I was like, I was like, I thought I was so special. And then you were just like, I just been doing this all fucking weekend But pretty sure it was just one guy right There's like one guy that you could tell was really funny by his general demeanor and loud shirt Like you saw graphic tea and you thought that he had a future in the industry

Anyway Scoot McNary fucking sucks Scoot McNary dude Well, he was supposed to be bad night bitch it was a bad movie. It's fun. I like him too I don't have anything against him. It's a good actor That's the oh, I mean come New anything against him. He's a good actor. Come to New Orleans, man. I am not doing, I'm doing standup around, I'm gonna start doing more standup around Los Angeles here and there, but two month old baby at home. I'm not going on the road anytime soon

except to come to New Orleans. You'll be, about six months is kind of the, I felt like was the window where like you're in a pattern. So it's not like insane to leave for a couple, two, three days, you know? Yeah. Like I wouldn't feel rude doing that. We're getting like her mom's coming.

I have to leave town for work like in March. Yeah. For a couple of days. And then May. That's May too. It's around six months and we'll be all right. We bring the parents in, if, yeah, like if I gotta go for a minute, we bring in the general, then he handles it.

Yeah, it makes sense when you do this for a living, but yeah, if you're just a guy who like, I'm just gonna leave town for a few days. It's, um. Yeah. I don't. It's six months in, Sean Jordan said this was fine. Yeah, it's all right.

You see, man? Yeah. Just take it off. I, yeah, all right. Yeah. Just taking off. Yeah, my wife is very smart and started laying the groundwork. And I think right after she found out she was pregnant, or maybe even a little bit before, was just like, so you know, maybe you should focus a little more on writing

than on going on the road doing stand up. And I was like, OK, yeah, yeah, Okay. And that was good, and that was good. Yeah. Stand up is hard to justify to a partner sometimes. Yeah. Where they're like, where are you going this weekend? Tulsa? For four days?

You're like, yeah, yeah. Because you're not bringing back a ton of cash. Yeah. Most of the time with the stand up, you know, that's what people don't quite get. In singles. Yeah, in singles. Brick is saying. For Bobby Crane. Yeah. In that's what people don't quite get. In singles. Yeah, in singles. A brick is safe.

For Bobby Crane. Yeah. In that jumpsuit Bobby Crane was wearing. Wouldn't want to be gone too long. Bobby Crane makes this stuff fun. No, no, no, that's the thing. Yeah. You want to see the deep with the baby.

Yeah. Bobby Crane's a lawyer now. We're here to talk about, my baby, we are here to talk about fantasy drafting. Oh, shit. Fantasy scenarios for being a hero. I forgot we were doing a draft. Heroic fantasy scenarios. Yeah. Which is, trying to figure out the best way

to describe this, a situation. Everyday hero stuff. Everyday hero stuff, a situation you'd like to be in where you think you would rise to the occasion, or maybe you don't think you would, but you would like to. Wait, are we saying every day? Cause these scenarios I got aren't every day.

Oh no, I think there's a wide range. I have a couple that are, I have time travel for a couple of these. Oh, do you? Okay, okay. Okay, I like that. Wow, okay, nice. All right.

I'm like. This is a pretty loose one. I had fun goofing around. This is it, we haven't done a goofy, goofy one in a while. This can be goofy, I think. Well, let's get goofy. The way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between The three of you and we throw one shoot. Here we go

Rock paper scissors shoot David David wins a paper against two scissors. What was that? What was that? What was all that fucking? Let's test it. What was that? I was testing your memory from was that shit you were saying? I was testing your memory from last week and you passed. Sean told us about a can't fail rock, paper, scissors technique that just failed. It did. I didn't say can't fail and also this is in a one on one scenario.

Still would have failed. Sounds like a lot of excuses. Here comes the excuse train. All aboard. All aboard the excuse caboose, dude. All aboard. I upgraded to business class, man. Excuse caboose. Excuse caboose. Excuse caboose. Excuse caboose. Excuse caboose. Here comes the excuse train all aboard

Why do you get home so late well the excuse the excuse caboose was running late from the comedy club That really makes it sound cute yeah making an excuse for the excuse caboose too. The excuse caboose, it was late because there was a drunk guy who fell on the tracks. And he goes back and around. Also, it's Yom Kippur. They're like, they're delayed. You know I don't do things on Ramadan. Trying to take the excuse caboose out of Philly on Ramadan? That's nuts. Jews actually run the trains now, which is fun. You know, I gotta flip that. It's a blood moon?

Come on, how many people can fit in the caboose? Blood moon. David, as the winner doesn't come upon you to determine the order of today's draft, but before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. What is that? It's a great question.

It's like watching the ball fall on that show, The Wall. Keep going. Okay. Not necessarily, right? Doesn't just go off? I mean, most of the time, it doesn't go straight down. But tell me you've seen it go straight down. Tell me. I don't even know what you're talking about.

I can't tell you that. I can tell you LeBron James executive produces The Wall. I can tell you that for free. Bet you could. Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, David, with that in mind, what will the order of this draft be?

I'm gonna go me, Patton, Jordan, Carmel. Hell yeah. Start the big four in the backfield, four linebackers. Patton, Jordan, Carmel, dude, yeah. Hell yeah. The Bears won two Super Bowls with that linebacker core. David, you have the first pick.

Oh, the Chicago Bears. No, no Sexual bears can I show you something real quick since when this happened this dropped when the show came out And my DMS have never been the same I Can't I here we go. So if you can see that's shit There we go. That is their world magazine. Oh, sorry. Whoa, you made it. Yeah, wait Five five daddy bears. Oh my god Oh my god

Dave Bautista way who is you got you got Zachary Quinto not a bear. Oh Yeah, your boy We have Shriver who I still don't think some bear but I get it voice the heart knocks your boy Ever the animal I would use to describe and then I'm not sure this guy is None of them are bears and in here. I was there at least I can see Lee. Have being a bear I can see Leah He's very sturdy Sturdy sturdy guy, you know? So my DMs have changed entirely.

Oh man. As someone who works closely with Langston Kerman, he goes through a similar thing. The other side of DMs are very, some of these guys come real aggressive, huh? When I was on Chelsea Lately, which had a, I would say say a bear-friendly viewership it was It was real interesting real interesting. I think at that point Facebook messages and maybe early Twitter DMS

Yeah, real interesting and Friedrich I remember the first time I flew back from Portland after I'd been on the Chelsea lately panel the gayest flight attendant Who's ever existed and that's saying something because that is a gay friendly profession. Just fed me vodka sodas for free and I was in the back of the plane all the way home. Love it. If I ever need my balls drained in say Washington DC, our nation's capital, I've got options. I've got options.

Yeah, you want somebody to drain the swamp. Yeah, it's wild. But you know what? It's flattering as can be. Absolutely. Hell yeah. I'll build myself an army. Let's do this. Yeah.

Yeah. David, you have the first pick. We're going to get to it right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy, everything is brought to you by DraftKings. Let me ask you a question. Have you played pick six from DraftKings yet? Short break. else. Get on it, give it a try. You play for better payouts on PIC 6. It's extremely easy to get started. You just go in, select two or more players, choose if they will have more or less of a stat like touchdowns, yardage, sacks or more. And that's it. PIC 6 is available in most states including Missouri, California, Texas, Georgia and more. And DraftKings is making it even sweeter for first-timers.

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spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash all fantasy. Babbel.com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, and we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything already in progress. We are about to fantasy draft heroic fantasy scenarios. David Bore, you have the first pick. Okay, so this one stems from I was watching Peaky Blinders with my lady the other day, but you know just like a Tuesday afternoon and I was like I was telling her I was like

the coolest things in the world to be able to do are to either commit crimes or thwart crimes with your brothers. Yeah. Right. That's like kind of like as good as anything gets. So this one, I'm having a barbecue in my house, my brothers are over, and then we all walk to the liquor store because we need some more beer or something like that. As we're in, it's kind of like that movie, The Wood, where they start holding up the place. And then me and my brothers have some sort of like,

like unspoken, like eye contact. And we like split up throughout the store and we thwart the convenience store robbery. Like this liquor store owner's probably been like great to you and the patch. It's like a little old couple, small business owners, American dream. Gave you a free gallon of milk. Like the littlest one, I look over at him

and he starts shaking up like a can of Pepsi and he hits the guy in the back of the head. He falls down, my other brother kicks the shotgun to my middle brother. You know what I mean? Like we have, we move like syncopated and we thwart the robbery. Somebody grabs the cardboard George Clooney and throws it in the air to distract him and then like yeah

Yeah, we like we get him tied up with an extension cord And then you know we leak the tape on to tik-tok so we all yes Gotta have the evidence out there of course, and then you know what you do? You pay for your drinks. You insist. Yeah. They're like, please, please, thank you. Please, thank you for free. Yeah, we say, no, thank you, Habibi, and we win. Yeah.

Hold one guy down, make him drink a warm Four Loko. Yeah, yeah. Drinking is a kemosabe. It's your last Four Loko for a while. Yeah, last alcohol Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Drinking easy Kemosabe at the last Four Loco for a while. Yeah, last alcohol you get before you go to the big house, bud. I love, I love gas station retribution in general, but yeah, with my brothers, I think it would be pretty good.

What are other examples of gas station retribution? Oh, the one where the guy, the white guy's going crazy. He calls the black guy the N-word, and he's got that Arizona kid. And he explodes it. Yeah, it's a whole genre, man. There's a lot of shit that goes down at gas stations. That guy in that video you were referring to,

that guy, I don't think I've ever seen anyone go down harder or faster. I don't think I've ever seen anybody get hit that hard with a thing. And I've seen a lot of people get hit with things. That guy, that shit was crazy. He was so patient too. I couldn't believe it where he's like, do it again.

And he gave him like three do it agains and then he just sets it. You're like, oh no, this is where it goes down. He kind of like flipped the can in his hand. He puts it in, I'm gonna hit you position. Yeah, like he knew that it was gonna bust open. Like I wouldn't even be that confident. Buddy, I think it was Adam.

He had a story back in the day, there was a party and some kids rushed him and Adam had a full can of Colt and the kid rushed him and he hit the kid twice and then the can exploded and the kid was still coming. So Adam's like, I just ran away. If it was an Arizona decan, I feel like the CEO of Arizona is so cool that he'd have seen that video and be like, you know what? It's free on Martin Luther King Day. Everybody gets free Arizona on Martin Luther King Day.

And for the month of February. It's only 99 cents anyway. It's what am I now? They are price locked pretty hard. Those things haven't, like it's printed on the can. That's how you know it's price locked. Yeah. On the can though?

I think so. Well you've seen the video of him talk, or the thing of him talking about why he won't raise the price, right? Uh-uh. Oh, it's pretty funny. He's like, why? I made a shitload of money and I'm good.

Why do I need to gouge the price? That's stupid. Like 99 cents for forever. And so it's funny when you go into a store and it's like $1.50, you're like, this is you fucked. Yeah, it's trash, it's trash. Oh, that's the worst store and it's like a dollar fifty like this is you fuck Yeah, you know that gas station It's like you remember when you were a kid you you'd find a soda machine that was 60 cents instead of 50 cents And you'd be like you fuck

Hope your blood money's keeping you warm at night. You fat cats. You fat cats. Corporate fat cats. My wife and I, we did our honeymoon in Italy, right? And we were like, we rented a little boat and went up and down the Amalfi Coast for an afternoon. It was amazing.

It was so much fun. Incredibly decadent. But when we were there, I saw a boat that I think might have been owned by the CEO of Arizona Iced Tea, whoever that is. And I took a picture of it. Is it the mango madness? Oh, that's the green tea.

Look at that. It's the green tea. It's the green tea. Yes. It's crazy. You see that? Yes. And you're not on Lake Havasu.

You're in Italy The Amalfi Coast yeah, and you're like oh damn dude It's like the full iced tea the green tea like paint design that was a swing over there was Joe, Arizona You thought it was Joe, Arizona I love that they're like what's that boat named the 99 cents?. Yeah it says Arizona you guys see that? Yeah. It says Arizona on there so it's not just a coincidence. Was you were you this excited when you were showing it to your wife? Yeah. Do you ever have to calm yourself down where you want to be so much more excited but you're like well she's not feeling it at all. I was telling the guy driving the boat because it was just me my wife and this

like Italian this like cool- Italian guy. I was like Cuz they were in a dry bag I was like give me my phone back give me my phone you just climb aboard my daughter's On that boat. I need to get over there Demanding I don't know How else somebody would have a boat like that if they weren't, is it just some tootoo's like, you know what I like is the Arizona. Great thing. In Italy it seems crazy. We saw a Prius with-

I don't think we export Arizona, right? It's not in other countries. I hope not. This Prius that we saw the other day, just the hatch, just the back hatch was the Matrix. Like all the numbers from the Matrix, the rest of it was just silver. You're like don't know man or it wanted you to see silver shit I never thought man I never thought about that well you know what you'll

still see down here in Louisiana for example is the Toyota truck low rider With the to and the ta taking off yo Baby From Toy Story Toy Story the pizza the pizza guy had a yo. I first time I saw it was on a Toyota truck Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a difference between me and you about five bank accounts and two yo vehicles Or I mean down here you get a lot of the like completely like decked out low rider truck But it has the the back wind the back window is a Confederate flag But okay, but but they have like but they've got clearly got bazooka tubes and that thing in there just fucking bump in like, you know What I like like late to pop

bumping like, you know, like late Tupac. I'm not sure. I love a confusing car though. I love it. It is great. It actually is great to see. It just says like rebel bitch. There's a car by the crib that says, it says queen bitch of the fucking universe. And it's got the license plate is Boofoo one.

I've sent you guys the picture. I think it's Where you like it says fuck fuck on your license plate She's saving up for a boofoo to like that Or someone out there has boofoo and she's like hey can I get boofoo and they're like, oh, sorry it's taken Your sister was in here like an hour ago Boofoo to is when she gets into scatting. She gets into shiza films. Sean Patton, time for your first pick. Oh, okay.

This one. This is a long standing one for me. Because believe it or not, I am very shy in person. Like in non-comedy situations. And one thing that was always a rough go for me, it's traditionally been a weird first meeting, is if I'm dating someone, the first time I meet her friends.

Her hardcore friends. Because they're simultaneously, you're in, but then they're also, they've got the Hawkeye and whatever I get. And so I love the idea of like you're there with a girlfriend at like a restaurant and everything's going chill. You're being you're the quiet but charming, you know, chiming in every now and again with something funny. Everyone likes you but they're not 100% sold on yet.

And then she gets up and goes to the bathroom and time passes and all of a sudden you hear someone call your name and you look over and just all these fucking mercenaries, right? They're all in this bar restaurant now, right? And they've got fucking weapons drawn and the main guy has got your new girl, right? We're the fucking oh man. Yeah, and then and instead of everyone's freaking out, but I'm just like Giving him that Time starts to slow down for you. Yeah. Yeah, like you know you realize it. Yeah, you're right You don't have to say it, but your eyes say they found me

They found me And then you know you stand but you do this thing where you stand up You don't so much get around to it. We kind stand up and just move the table out of your way. I like that you're kind of doing it right now. Right, right. You're like, let her go. Let her go, McCall. Let her go, McCall.

He's just like, of course, he's like, and he's hiding a little bit. He's like, let her go. Like you let this go. And his eyes missing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's clearly like this is personal now. And then he starts speaking a language that no one's ever heard.

It's like a, it's like a, and I right away I'm like, I'm right right back. You know what I'm saying? And then shit just, and then shit just goes down. But I take out the entire mercenary team with just shit in the bar. You know what I'm saying? So like start easy, forking this guy's fucking neck. Then no one sees it coming. Pool cue, go full fucking Bo staff, take out two of the guys, grab one of the balls, break

a guy's skull in, and then it's just me and the fucking main guy. And I've got... Go ahead. Can I ask, the way you beat people up, can it beat callbacks to the earlier the night? Like one of her friends was like, hey Sean, you want to shoot some pool? And you're like, I don't know. I don't know how to operate a pool cube. Hey, you want some hot sauce on those wings?

Oh, not really. And then you pick up a bottle of vodka and then stab somebody with a spicy bottle. Hey, does anybody want to do, you want to do some flaming Dr. Pepper? Like that's too strong for me. And I'm just. It's like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do some flaming Dr. Pepper like that's too strong for me and I'm just Yeah, you blow towards an Eastern European guy What am I gonna do with all these forks and then they just end up in people's eyes later? Yeah

Earlier in the night. She's like, you know, we're going to meet my friends. How come I haven't met any of your friends You never talk about your past exactly dude and then of course right then my fucking colleague who was sleeping on the job who follows me and watches me everywhere yeah I'm stumbling out of the fucking the Jeep the four-runner like oh shit sorry but yeah no dog this is Pete everyone anyway jump in We gotta like debrief them all as we go to a private jet We don't I don't know why we get on the private jet

Open you're in the hangar and the doors open the jet sitting there But you've got like a whiteboard that you're going over like what's about to happen next And then our friends they sign off they like me, you know, he's really Sweet you're sexy. Yeah And then her friends, they sign off. They like me. You know, they're like, he's really good. He's really sweet. You're sexy. That's amazing. That's such a good fantasy. It's a very self-serving ego of hero story, but yeah. They all are. They all are.

Yeah, that's true. Is it me? Yeah, it's true. Is it me? Yeah. I've always just wanted to see somebody about to get hit by a car and I run and shove them out of the way and then the car hits me. God damn! But I live to tell the truth. Obviously I get the glory. But it's always been a very real fantasy where it's like I just shove him out of the way and I look. Fuck man. And I get smoked, but I'm alive and nothing really crazy happens.

I know I told you this a few times during the late, the duration of our friendship. What? You gotta at least look in to getting a therapist. I mean, Jesus, dude. You know what, that was crazy. You didn't have to get hit by the car! It's a fantasy! It's part of the deal!

Dude, dude, dude. You couldn't lift? No? I'm just like, I can still open my eyes when I'm done. Oh, man. Yo, that's really wild, bro. I can still open my eyes when I'm done. Oh, man. Oh, wow. That's really wild, bro. David, I had actual fantasy of yours.

You just went straight like fucking, like Christopher Nolan early. You just said you wanted to get hit by a car. So basically my hero fantasy is getting hit by a car. Somebody was going to steal my fantasy and I shoved him out of the way. This is my fantasy. What the fuck? You don't even want the version where you wake up like 10 days later after being in a coma in a hospital and everyone's around you like, my god he's awake and then you

learn that in that 10 days the whole comedy world's been talking about you and they're like Sean Jordan, hero, comedian and hero and it turns out the person you pushed out of the way was like fucking one of the Obama girls you didn't even realize it. Yeah. You know? Which one smoked cigarettes? The one in the middle of the street. You realize it? Yeah. You know? Sasha. Which one smoked cigarettes? Yeah. The one in the middle of the street.

Now you got fucking Michelle in Barack, just bedside being like, whatever you want, man. Yeah, you could throw that in there. That'll be fun. Yeah, that would be a great fantasy. He just got hit by a car. He just wanted to die. No, I wanted to live.

You want to live. I wanted to be alive. Wow, dude. Hey, man. Different jokes. I swear to live? I wanted to be alive. Wow, dude. I swear to God, the very first thing that popped into my head was just shoving someone out of the way and then the car hits me. I love it. I mean, if the four of us are ever in like a somebody's got to dive on that grenade situation, we know who. We'll be shoving us out of the way to get to that grenade. I'm going to shove a stranger onto it.

I'm gonna die. Oh, that's great. That's so funny. Alright, time for my first and second picks. My first pick. My first pick. Okay, I'm driving home from work. This is me now in LA.

I'm driving home from work. Some guy cuts me off. I honk at him, and then he pulls aside. And like, so we're next to each other and just like glares at me. And like just like got psycho eyes, just psycho, right? And I keep driving, I'm like, look man, I just honked. It's not a big deal.

I've been meditating, I've been working on my road rage, but he hasn't, he's nuts. So I keep driving, he pulls in behind me, right? He pulls him in and he's following me everywhere I go. And I see him, he takes a picture of my license plate and then veers off, drives off, right? And then I'm like, oh geez, that's crazy. And then I circled the block a few times

and then I go home. Later that night, about 1 a.m., I start to hear my front door, like the handle jiggling. I'm like, what is that? I wake up, nothing. Then I hear the back door jiggling a little bit. Like, oh my God, what is that?

What's going on? Then I hear it get kicked in. And I'm standing out there in my kitchen, underwear, you know, tank top, nothing on me, bare feet. And here's this dude with an aluminum baseball bat. It's the guy who cut me off earlier. He's like, I found you. Who's honking now?

Who's honking now? And then I pick up the autograph. You gotta giggle a little bit. Oh my God. Well, I guess you. I pick up the autograph Sandy Kovacs baseball that my wife got me for Hanukkah. So you brought a bat? You brought a bat to my house?

Let's see if you can hit Koufax. And then I whip it at him right in his face. And it cracks him in the nose and he starts bleeding. And I run over there and I put him in a headlock. And then I whisper into his ear, honk honk bitch. And then you kill him. I kill him. Honk honk bitch is good.

Honk honk bitch is good. And he turns out to be an upstart serial killer. Like he's got a few bodies on him already. I stopped him. Yeah. Yeah. The road rage killer. Yeah, the road rage killer. I guess this is less heroic.

It's just me saving my family, you know? That's heroic. In this scenario, you're with wife and child, right? I'm me, dude. That Sandy Kovacs baseball is real. She got me a Sandy Kovacs baseball for Hanukkah. So I was looking around, I was like, that I could use. You know, if somebody breaks into my house with a bat,

I'm hitting them with a baseball. Yeah. Right in the face. So far, I think David and I are the only ones who know the definition of hero Alright, alright. I'm just saving my family. What's the big deal? I got, that's a little bit heroic. That's a hero move for Dave. We, and also we're just dipping our feet in the bathtub.

I'll match ya. Also, by the way, the way you started that story, I'm like, this is gonna get erotic, I feel. It did feel like it could go any way. Well the way you started it, I thought you were coming about, I thought you were just talking about what happened earlier. Bridgetown erotic fan fiction 2012. I am, man. It did feel. Fiction 2012. Yeah. Back to back champion. I can take it there. I can take it there. I never won one of those. He didn't have an aluminum bat. He just had a hard rock. If you don't get

me off, I'm going to pull up the White House. Colossus broke in with his big metal boner. Batter up. All right, all right, I should have gone with this one first because this was the one I wanted to do first. I don't know why I didn't, but I'm gonna draft it second. Oh, yeah, here we go. All right, here we go. This is a time travel one.

It's 2000, it's 2000, the year 2000, right? Modest time travel, I like it. Modest time travel, it's not that long ago. Surfing on the internet and I'm like clicking on, I'm clicking on these windows, you know, on the news, like reports, I'm on forums, I'm going deeper into foreign affairs. I'm on early forums, I'm going deeper into foreign affairs.

I'm like, oh, that's interesting. What's going on? Who's in Afghanistan? What's going on? Who's in Afghanistan? What's going on in Afghanistan? And I see a report, is Bin Laden determined to attack the United States of America? This is the year 2000.

I read it, I'm like, damn. I know this cross condolences rice desk, and she didn't take it that seriously, but right now I'm reading this, and this seems serious to me. It seems like Bin Laden maybe is determined. And I start getting deeper. I start getting deeper and this seems serious to me. It seems like Bin Laden maybe is determined. And I start getting deeper.

I start getting deeper and deeper and deeper into this whole Al Qaeda thing. I'm doing the research, finding out they're getting, you know, funding from the Saudis, all this stuff. He's planning. They're in the US, they're in Las Vegas. They're training at flight schools. Why are they training at flight schools?

What's going on? Now it's 2001, right? Now it's like the middle of the summer of 2001. I'm like, god damn, it seems like it's getting closer. Whatever they're planning, it seems like it's getting closer, right? What grade were you in, by the way? Stop it.

Wait, let it go. Let it go. Please let it go. Seems like whatever's happening, it's getting closer. Whatever they're planning, right? I gotta do something. I'm calling my local congresspeople, I'm calling the police, the police are like,

there's no crime, we can't do anything. People are allowed to take flight school. I'm calling the government, I can't get ahold of anyone because at this point I'm 15 years old, you know? There's nothing, Sean, there's nothing, nobody's gonna listen to me. But what I do have is my Judaism. And with my Judaism comes connections.

I call an uncle who calls a guy who calls a guy who's a big time Hollywood producer. And I say there's only one way we can stop what's about to happen on September 11th, all right? Do that shit. There's only one way. You have to book Mark Wahl, on a flight. All right. You got to get him on this plane because there's only one guy I want on that plane in this situation. He said himself later if he was on that plane, things would have gotten different.

So I can't stop these guys. They got box cutters. I'm only like a chunky 15 year old kid. But I know if I get Wahlberg on that plane, this isn't going down the way thinking they think it's going down So that's what I do. I set up a hollywood production that gets mark wallberg on the 9 11 plane It'd be so disappointing when he shows up with sunglasses and it's like pissed off that he's got a Odyssey I don't know, dude.

He said himself it would have been different. Or if it just goes the way it went. Yeah. No. And Mark, well, it's one one. But then we never got Ted. It goes one way or the other. Yeah, we never get Ted.

But I'm getting Mark Wahlberg on that plane. I gotta be honest. I thought that would go over way better than it did. I liked it. I thought it went perfectly. I liked it. All right, okay, good. I'm getting Wahlberg on that plane.

Butterfly effect, no matter what, it would have been different. Even if it. All right, okay, good. I'm getting Wohlberg on that plane. Butterfly effect, no matter what, it would have been different. Even if it wasn't him necessarily. Yeah. What did he say exactly? I can't remember, but he just did say like, something to the effect of if I'd have been on that flight, it wouldn't have happened or something, right?

That's what he said. Yeah, that's what he said. I thought it was, they're lucky they weren't a bunch of old Asian men With perfect vision Pocket full of rocks Right, then he did he beat an Asian guy blind or something like that. Yeah Oh, he was a fly on that day. Okay, he was already scheduled to fly So all I gotta do is convince him to get on that plane. I

Thought you're gonna say call a Hollywood reporter. Look, we gotta green stream the towers somewhere else. Right? Oh, that's a fun, yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah, and when they think they're hitting the towers, they fly into a huge jail. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's my pick. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. Wait, I gotta say this also real quickly. There was a moment in this story too where you're like, so I'm just getting deeper and deeper and deeper.

I'm like, dude, this is natural horny. Like you should, your wife should listen to how you tell bedtime stories to your son. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. Oh yeah, she will look out for that. Maybe I will. I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed.

I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed.

I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. You like this natural horny, like, you should, your wife should listen to how you tell bedtime stories to your son. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. Oh yeah, she will look out for that. Your son goes off just like smoking, wearing smoking jackets like, how old would you like to have a play date with me?

Welcome to my guato. Oh, you were doing little boy. I got the first. The accents get close to something. He's a Haitian little boy. Sean Jordan, tell me your second pick. So I'm hiking and we get to the top of whatever steep mountain we're on. Like, I don't know, something where somebody... and we get to the top of whatever steep mountain we're on.

Like, I don't know, something where somebody, and I get up there and I grab, it's my wife's hand, and I grab her to help her up, and she loses her footing and slips, and we're holding on by almost like fingertips, and she looks and she's terrified, and she thinks she's gonna die, and I do that real calm, like, hey, look at me.

I got you. And then she pulls her other hand up and grabs my arm, and then I get to die. And I do that real calm, like, hey, look at me. I got you. Wow. And then she like pulls her other hand up and grabs my arm. And then I get to do that thing where I'm like, oh, and I just pull her all the way up. And then and then we're good. Then we're on top of the mountain. I saved her life. Nice. My scenario is a short. You don't want to hear about the drive to get to the hike, do you?

There was a bunch of tolls. we had to pay the day fee. Nobody had any cash. You guys got in a big fight. Nobody had any cash, I didn't bring my hiking shoes, she got on me about it, which I was wearing aqua socks. Aqua socks. You guys got in a fight about whether or not Harrison Ford was in the Big Chill.

Yeah. It was costler. It reminded me that I've never seen the Big Chill. We were hiking and I had enough energy bars for me. She had jerky. We didn't have enough water. It was a whole thing. It was a whole thing.

I brought a little water purifier thinking there was gonna be more stream water and there really wasn't that much. Okay. We saw, I saw Bobcat. She's always wanted to see one. So that, she didn't see it. That was a big point of contention for the rest of the fight. Or for the rest of the hike.

Your fantasies are very mumble core. Very like Noah Baumbach movies. The similarities are crazy. How much peril was she in when she stumbled? Would she have died? Yes, absolutely would have died. I'm not enough of a hiker to name a specific mountain where that would... But like, you know, I'm helping her up, she needs the help, anybody would need the help. I got up there on my own, I got up there on my own, so it's me. I'm an experienced hiker, I had a pickaxe.

That's great, that's great. I'm glad that somebody else is struggling through this. It's not just me. No, dude, no. Saving someone's life. I think ours are good, I think ours are good. I think ours are good, but when we arrived there, we were finding ourselves not the natural storytellers

we once thought we were. I think you are. I think you are. There's people right now. You didn't hear all the stuff. You didn't hear the stuff at the parking lot? I mean, it was really neat. What's in the go-me is that you had enough protein bars,

but she had jerky. That's the end. I'm like, oh, now it clicked. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,, oh, now it clicked. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that right there, her preparation is irrelevant. Yeah. Also, in my mind, in this scenario, I can do pull-ups.

I've never done more than one pull-up ever in my life. So if I can pull someone up, that means I also get the ability to do pull-ups. It's your fantasy. You can do whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah, dude. In your fantasy, you don't do pull-ups.

It's my hero. I've just got the presidential fitness patch with everybody else. That's my hero. That's my hero. I didn't get made fun of because I could do the sit and reach. I could do the sit and reach for days and everybody made fun of me for that. Nobody let that ride.

I was great at the sit and reach and I thought I was like, I'm just flexible as hell. It's just because I have short legs and a long torso. And I'm like, out and you're like, you got the one thing you're great at. Sean Patton, time for your second pick. Hey, this one also wilderness based-ish is Bonnaroo, doing Bonnaroo, you know, doing a comedy tent at Bonnaroo.

This one's a little more, but you know, and you're hopping in the van at the end of the night to go back to the hotel. And you know, it's a little more but but you know you're hopping in the van at the end of the night to go back to the hotel And you know it's a couple comedians couple just randos and it's a bus driver who listens to way too many podcasts and thinks He's hilarious. Oh, yeah, I don't know if you've done off you guys have come across that guy, but I've taken transport at a comedy festival Drivers for sure right and you get that you get the guy who's just cracking jokes all the time They're you know, they're way too edgy. No one gives a shit and then he's like you guys ever do salvia We're like no, it's like we're not fucking 19 and he's like fuck that he takes a big goddamn hit of salvia

Right while driving and fucking freaks out right? I would be off the road flips the fucking van you know into the woods in the woods somewhere in tennessee you know deep in that shit right and you know he impaled he impales himself on like on his ipod because he still had an ipod because he's like yeah man if you're listening to it on your phone the government's hearing what you're hearing man the original so he impales himself. That's an episode of Rogan playing. That's the last few years Right right, it's like good for him man And so now we're like in the woods or trying to traverse our way back and everybody's scared and weirded out and all trying To hit on this one hot girl and people like fuck off man

Then we're in the woods and that makes the now there's a colony of bears and wolves they team up right and they roll up on us It's like oh, we're dead You mean like Leo Schreiber of Schreiber Well here's the thing it's it's real bears literal bears Okay, and I'm and I make the joke I turn around like hey guys. I'm on the cover of Barroworld magazine I got this right and they're like, what are you fucking crazy? I just look back at the whole group and I say just go Go and they all run and as they run away, they hear me they hear just raar just ravenous fucking animal sounds and flesh and meat screaming and they know they know I'm being torn to shreds right and everyone's a little goddamn sad but their sadness drives them on to persevere and they find Chattanooga,

Tennessee you know they roll up on it just right there and they oh god we're free you know and but right as they get there there's a fucking group of just white trash fucking tweakers right who are just like oh man bunch of fucking comedian, oh shit, oh what are y'all, oh y'all look like y'all being in mud orgy, fuck you pussies, man, give us the girl and y'all can go. Thug girl. Yeah, and that's when out of nowhere,

I fucking roll up out of the woods wearing a fucking bear. Oh yeah. It's a full fig and I'm like, oh, hey, time for a callback. And I fucking take all these dudes out and then look back at the group and go, hey, keep going. And they, they go. They keep going. And when I'm like, are you coming with?

I'm like, no, I found my home. And I go back in the woods. Yeah, because you're a woods guy. I'm a woods guy now. You run that wolf colony. Yeah, exactly. And they're all, like, only one of them's dead, the main bear. The rest of them are still alive.

Absolutely. You cut the head off. Yeah. Yeah, exactly and they're all like only one of them's dead the main bear the rest of them are still alive Yeah, it's great and I start my own festival and I'm the only guy doing in the woods, you know Yeah And and like my Oakland days I'm like I can't sell any fucking tickets I'm like, I can't sell any fucking tickets to this test. It doesn't even matter. Doesn't even matter.

Oh, amazing. I think I could outrun a bear, so I'm right there with you. No! Yeah. I like how you said that, like, he's tried before. And you've had to stop him, like, no, god damn it, no! Well, he just, you go to the woods enough that this might come up. But I guess, like the proverb goes, you only have to outrun the next guy the other guy

I just got a pie face some dork in front of me Leave him the gear maybe he'll survive Man, yeah, that's uh for a second there. I thought you were gonna die and I'm like, okay So I'm not the only one that dies in my hero scenarios But then you came back to life, you did a hero. Because you want to soak it all in, you want to get all the goddamn crumb. Damn, tell me your second and third picks.

Second pick, okay, I am a small town single father with a rough past and a bright future. All I'm known for in this town is getting drunk, my magnificent piece, and my smart mouth. My kid is struggling, so I get a job at a law firm. I'm working at the law firm. At the same time I'm working at the law firm, some of my kids' friends, I find out they're

getting sick, right? These kids, they're playing in the drainage ditch behind our apartments that we live in, of course. They're getting sick. One's got a third eye. It's getting nasty. Basically, I get to the bottom of the pollution scam, the pollution, like, the company's polluting behind our apartments.

I get to the bottom of it, a la Aaron Gebrovich. Class action lawsuit, I become mayor of the town. Wow, all right. Institutional change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still got the great hog on you when you're a man? That's, well, because I was like in Aaron, Where's it going?

In Aaron Brockovich, she had the rocking tits. Yeah. I'm the same thing, but with gray sweatpants. Yeah. So what? It's just gray sweatpants. Hell yeah. You just said, you're at the May oral debates

in a suit top and gray sweatpants. Like Nellie's, your sweatsuit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A clerk's not giving you the file you want. You just step out from around the desk half-hard, and you're like, oh, I think you do have that file. Oh, yes, sir. I'll find it.

I request a chair next to the podium during the the debate and I just put my foot up on it But everyone everyone's just chaving in cuz no one's just seeming like they're racist being like we like that was his huge dick No, I don't even see it Everyday death look at that guy with a tiny dick. That's what I'd be yelling Look at that guy with the tiny dick. That's what I'd be yelling, you know? Oh, what his dick must be like. Ian, knock it off. It's big enough that you're clearly projecting.

Yeah, come on, man, you don't need to do this. You're learning. We don't talk about it, but we know you've got a hog on him. That's great. But yeah, yeah, yeah, so basically, I Aaron Brockovich a little town. Oh. I just wanted to point out

that Sean Jordan during that said Aaron Gebrochovich. I did. Great, that was good. That's very good, that's very good. And I'm taking notes for the clips and I wrote David Gebrochovich. So Isaac knows where to stand. You also did Shana Rue, which was really good.

Yeah, Shana Rue was good. You might be a highlight reel eclipse. It might be just a Sean Jordan highlight reel. I got to make up for the shitty picks I'm about to throw out. Where I die in, you wouldn't believe how much of these I get hurt, by the way. I might have to just do them. I think I would.

I might have to just do the ones where I get hurt so you know how my mind was working. I think I would. David, your third pick. Oh, okay. Third pick, I think that it is... It's Christmas Eve, so it's not Christmas Day, it's Christmas Eve. I'm on the way to do a shit gig.

We've all done a shit Christmas gig, right? For me, it's Vegas. I don't know what you guys is... What's your go-to shit gig? The internet did one on analog on Christmas Eve one time. I don't even know you guys is. What's your go-to shit gig? The internet did want an analog on Christmas Eve one time. I don't even know what that is. That sounds bad. It's out of business. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Either way, I'm in the airport. We're getting ready to go. There's a family. They had trouble booking their tickets. They fucked it up. Everybody can go except for the dad. They're going to the

children's hospital because the daughter has rickets. And they're going to save the daughter with rickets on Christmas Eve. All that father wants to do is go with his daughter and help her rickets. But he can't because he booked it on the United app and they fucking suck. And maybe we should all switch over to Delta because I'm sick of United jerking me the fuck around. And I get platinum status and I can't even get in the lounge. That's kind of bullshit. That's kind of bullshit. Is that true?

Didn't you just switch to United? Kind of bullshit. That's bullshit. That's full bullshit. You just switched over. Full level bullshit. When are you getting the lounge then? It's full level bullshit.

You have to pay for lounge passes. It's fucked up. Sounds like you're in the bullshit lounge So there's something yeah but anyways Anyways, I give up my seat on the plane for that father to have a good Christmas The niece the little girl to get a rickets fixed and I don't go And you know, they do and I don't get in the lounge, but I'm just a good guy. I keep a family together on Christmas.

There we go. And I get a $800 voucher, of course. That's not bad. That's a good, that could happen. This is the first one that could probably go down. Well, I was thinking about it because a lot of times that I've, every time that that's come up where they give the voucher, I'm always like,

no, I gotta get to to fucking I gotta get to Milwaukee I can't you know what I mean where I'm like I was like no They're probably people who really want to get to where they're going and I'm like no no no I Gotta get to Omaha and I can't I can't be the one to do this Anyone here know what Ricketts is no, it It's like chicken pox, I believe. Is it a bone disease? No, it's a bone. You should call.

Okay, you're gonna have to ask this one. It's like chicken pox on your bones. It's chicken pox. No, your bones start to. Bone pox? What? Bone pox? Your bones start to.

Bone pox. It's like a deficiency and your bones start to flute. David's right, David's right. They start to flute? What does that mean? Yeah, like they start to. They get holes? My cousin had it. That's how...

Long, long story. That's how we got to America is my mom accompanied my cousin to the Shriners hospital because she had rickets and they fixed the Shriners. Oh shit. What does flute mean? You said flute? Oh really? They start to like fork out the bone it they go in or out No way, so your bones like split I'm I can't be thinking about this right now. Your bones just crack. No I think he might be thinking about it, right? Picture I don't want I don't want to see

I was with you when he said flute. I was like, oh he gets holes in a little mouthpiece Hot cross buns over here. Yeah Crazy third pick. Oh Third pick so Years and years ago years and years ago. There was this woman who? Broke my heart for you know for reasons that people break one of those hearts. Real fucking bad, right? So years and years later, decade later, let's just say hypothetically, I don't know, this is where the fantasy, that's real.

That's the real thing I just said. The fantasy now kicks in. Ten years later, she has a kid with whatever fucking loser she chose over me. Sounds real still. No, no. And I'm sure he's a great guy. And he's actually a great guy. For the fantasy, it sucks because he's actually a good guy.

But of course, there are complications after she gives birth to the child. And she's like dying in the hospital, right? And then I roll in and like, he doesn't really know who I am, even though he kind of does because he's read her fucking journals and her diary and every now and again She says my name in her sleep of course so he knows who I am doesn't want to accept that I just walked in but at this point he doesn't care. He sees easy, you know his wife She died and her family's like oh my god Sean why are you here, but is there anything you can do and I just I put my hand on her head and

The people don't realize I have these cosmic powers, right? So I like communicate with her in this cosmic space where you know We talk about it and she apologizes for breaking my heart I apologize for probably being someone who deserve to have their heart broken and we decide in another life Maybe we'll be together, but this is not that life and what I do is I heal her mortal wounds now. She's fine She's not dying anymore She's completely fine, but I take the pain I take all that death and put it on myself and now I am impotent I can never have children

Oh, no, but that's okay because I loved her that much I wanted her to have the kids her to have that life and I would just walk on alone as a true loner Wow And now you don't have to wear condoms. Yeah, because you can't get boners. You loved- Oh no, that's impotent? I didn't say, wait, I mean, rewind. I'm not impotent.

I'm shooting blanks. I can still get boners. Okay. All day. Yeah. I can still get boners, but just dog, nothing but dog. You loved so hard it corrupted your jizz. I thought impotency, is impotency when you can't get a boner

I thought it was Yeah, I think it's when you're I think it's when you're under five three. That's right. Yeah Yeah, I didn't mean impotency. So no impotency He didn't say where he's getting Shots at us short king It's like, where are you getting it? David's always taking shots at us short kings. God damn it, it's Joel Ballard. So straight up.

You love someone, you set them free, and then you heal them, you heal their mortal wounds with your cosmic powers. That no one knew you had. That you maybe couldn't have used to convince her to stay with you, but you're not that person. You're a real motherfucker. So you let her go. You can't manipulate people like that. No, you can't do that. I'm not Mr. Purple Purple whatever his name was from that series and everybody says was good, but really wasn't I'll call you

Mr. Purple. That's why that's not why the witch gave you those powers Is that what you call your boners that you can definitely get mr. Purple? They get rock-hard every time Looks like mace windows lightsaber, man Oh, like I said, this dog walk. Uh oh, Mr. Purple came to the party. Looks like Mace Windu's lightsaber, man. It's painful. Oh my god. And when I get hard, it goes...

He is the traitor. He is the traitor. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Mack Weldon. Now it's no secret that we love Mack Weldon here at All Fantasy Everything. I can't think of one thing on that entire site that I don't love.

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H-E-L-P dot com slash all fantasy. Sean Jordan, that'd be your third pick. Alright, I have, I just so happen to have a box cutter and a pen. Oh no. And I'm walking with a buddy, we get on an elevator in a parking ramp, and it's like an old elevator, and I also have my phone, sorry, and I have perception. So we get on this elevator. Are you wearing clothes?

Are you naked? What else? How long has elevator. Are you wearing gloves? Are you naked? What else? We're completely naked. How long has it been since you've eaten? We're completely naked. What is the level? We're completely naked, and this guy doesn't wanna be there.

Who's president? Eisenhower. Okay, great. Time travel for no reason. So we get on this elevator, and it's an old one in a parking garage, and we start going up and we get stuck, which is no big deal,

but then we see there's a hornet's nest in the elevator, and my buddy is deathly allergic to hornets. So, long story short, we're on there for so long, the hornets just kinda come down, and they end up stinging my buddy a bunch of time, don't touch me, but they sting my buddy a bunch, and so I have to call someone, I call 911, and they end up stinging my buddy a bunch of time. Don't touch me. But they sting my buddy a bunch. And so I have to call someone, I call 911, and they walk me, because his throat's all swollen up.

Right, we were allergic. So they have to walk me through how to perform a tracheotomy in the elevator. And I do it successfully, because I got a box cutter and a pen on me. Wow. You trick them out in the elevator. I trick in an elevator.

The pen is the breathing tube. The pen is the breathing tube. So they've got to walk me through it. I got to use the box cutter that I happen to in an elevator. The pen is the breathing tube. The pen is the breathing tube. So they've got to walk me through it. I got to use the box cutter that I happen to have on me. And I cut in to the trach and then I make a windpipe, you know, a false windpipe. I just kind of hollow out the pen. And what are you gonna say?

What are you chopping at the pen? Then the hornets start flying in through the pen and now they're inside the guy. That's not part of, that is not part of the fantasy. And then they get to his brain and now Hornet's in control of a person. They fly at me and kill me right after I trach him. No, it sounds more like Hornet Man comes to life and takes you down as his first victim. And then I gave the world Hornet Man. Now he's out there. Hornets are like, and he runs for office, dude.

Hornets, he's like, oh, he's a Senator, Senator Hornet Man. Now the Hornets have like a piece of the fucking pie, dude. Yeah. Bad idea, dude. The right, oh, I thought it was a good idea. This is the writers room. The Hornets are good. No, they're good?

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, they're good. Why do you think the Hornets are not now? The Hornets are socialist? What, what? What do y'all got against hornets now? I don't know, the end of My Girl? Mugsie Bogues, Larry Johnson, those are bees.

You gotta be, yeah, you got different. Okay, now if you flip this story and it's wasps instead, you got Wasp Man, then you gotta go evil. Yeah, Wasp Man's for sure evil. But they're not, they're hornets. The whole, the only reason I'm even telling a story is because everyone else is painting pictures. I want to trach someone on an elevator.

I want to get a blow job on an elevator. That's what it says in my notes is trach someone on an elevator. Trach up bro. I want to trach someone on an elevator. That would be a very very specific yet useful skill like I could trick I can trick with anything man. I could try with a fucking slim Jim and a key. It's like a long guy but better. You could.

It'd be like shotgun in the throat. I'll trick you with that tire iron right now. You're basically making a human fucking pipe. I can do it better with this stuff than I could if I was in the ER. This just works better for me. I'm a simple man. I trick in the field. Yeah.

I exclusively trick in the field. Like sometimes when the ER is overflowing and somebody needs a trick, they just send them to your apartment. You're like, all right man, fuck it, I was watching a game, I got the Buffalo Wild Wings everywhere, but I'll figure it out. You got one of those Cheesecake Factory beepers that starts vibrating, you're like, all right,

I'm gonna have to do a trick. What do they need? They only need one thing. When this goes off, it's only one thing. You're lucky I got Buffalo Wild Wings. If it was Wingstop, I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be asleep. I got that game fuel in me. It's an inferior bone.

Oh, the bone has nothing to do with it. You know my stance. Yeah. Yeah, you eat chicken nuggets. No boneman. Yeah, bone me up. Bone me out. Bone me out!

Bone me in! Get me ready for breakfast! So then we can say when it comes to chicken, you are impotent because no bones. No bones. Yeah, I don't like a bone Mr. Mr. Purple doesn't show up when I'm eating wings. No, mr. Perk. I've seen you eat wings. Sometimes they're purple You get some weird sauces. I think Isaac got to go for an emergency, which I hope is okay They came back just now and he goes weird time to come back. We're talking about me Very good. I came back as soon as you said bone me out

What do you think mr. Purple means Isaac? Mr. Purple? Yeah, is that some kind of purple purple soda drink thing? No, you'll find out when you listen to the episode. Okay. All right Everything okay with the emergency? Apparently there's the work being done on the apartment and there's spray painting outside of my apartment So it's like smells like spray paint inside of my One needs a party time. Yeah, if anyone needs a tracheotomy make sure you got a box cutter and a pen So I got freaked out and I had to talk to the managers being like what the fuck but I think I think it's good

I think they're done with it Why are you cool?. All right, cool. Oh yeah, dude. Best way that kinda turned out. Yeah. Time for my third pick. Oh yeah. I'm down here in LA.

You know what? Actually, I'm back up in Oregon. I'm on the Oregon coast. The aforementioned Oregon coast. Thank you very much. Walking down the beach. It's just me. My couple, it's me, my older brother,

and I'm gonna throw my nephew in there, it's just the three of us walking down the beach. There's some people on the beach, it's like 65, you know, it's like a nice day, but it's crisp. 55, it's 55, it's crisp. We hear a commotion. We hear a commotion behind us, people are like, oh my God, look at that, oh, what's going on?

And a whale, oh no, washed up on the beach. Nice. Not a huge whale, not a huge whale. It's like a juvenile, right? But even a baby is like pretty fucking big, right? Sperm whale, it's a sperm whale, much like the one that got exploded with dynamite on Cannon Beach, low those many years ago.

And all these people are staring at it. They're looking at the whale, they're like, what do we do? They're like, oh no, this is just like back when that sperm whale washed up, we ended up blowing up with dynamite. God, I guess it's just already dead. And I look at that whale in its eyes, and I don't speak whale, the whale doesn't speak English, but it communicates something to me, it's like, save me.

I'm not ready, I'm not ready for this to be over. I'm still just a little baby whale. And I go into action, you know? I'm like, all right, people start digging I'm still just a little baby whale. And I go into action, you know? I'm like, all right, people start digging out like a ditch between the whale and the ocean. You know, I start coordinating all this stuff. You, what are you, you having a suzu samurai?

Go get that thing on the beach, all right? Go get that thing on the beach. We're gonna save this thing, right? We start coordinating it. My brother, my nephew, they're involved. He's driving the samurai, I got the winch going. And we get this whale back into the water and it swims away. And as it's swimming away,

it surfaces, it looks at me, and it winks. I've never seen a whale wink before, but this whale winks at me, just saved this whale's life. It's not over. Oh shit. It's not over. 30 years later. Oh fuck.

30 years later, I live in LA at this point, I'm on a boat, we're going to Catalina. All right, we're going to Catalina for the day. It seems beautiful, I've never been to Catalina before, blue skies, then a wind picks up. 55 degrees also? 58 degrees. Okay, okay, that matters,

because that's where the wind, that's where the wind's coming from. 58 degrees, it's early though, it's a crisp day, I'm like, oh, it's gonna be a beautiful day, but where the wind that's where the winds coming from. Yeah degrees. It's early though. It's crisp day I'm like, it's gonna be a beautiful day, but then the wind starts coming in. Oh Clouds start rolling in and it's like it starts getting whipped up Three it was three foot waves of first now. It's five eight ten. We're in 15 foot chop We're not in a boat big enough for that. The boat goes down The boat goes down and the Pacific Ocean. I don't care if you're in Oregon or off of LA,

that's cold. That's a cold ocean. That's like 58 degrees, you know what I mean? At most. It's freezing. I'm looking around, I'm like, we don't have a lot of time left, right? I can swim.

Some of the other people on the boat, they're a little bit older, they're not that great of swimmers. And they're like, they're drowning. They're saying goodbye to each other. These people, they were going to Catalina for their 70th wedding anniversary. Fuck. And they're about to go down for their 70th wedding anniversary. Fuh.

And they're about to go down, but just one of them. The other's gonna have to live with the pain. Then. Oh, not very long. I hear something. But like, not from left to right or up, from down below. The sperm whale I saved 30 years earlier comes swimming up, comes out of the water, gets all of us on its back,

and swims us to Catalina Island. Saves everybody's lives, including the people celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary. And here's what's crazy. They have those like drive up docks on there. He gets hammered with us. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, we celebrate with the sperm whale. The sperm whale's just drunk too. Put a bottle of Jameson in the blowhole, just suck it down. Poop. Yeah. Yeah. That's how Sean drinks it anyways. In the whale. So that is my third and my fourth picks.

Oh no, you did it. I was going to give you two and one right there. Save a whale. Oh, true. Whale saves us. Yeah. Whale saves us. Sean Jordan, time for your fourth pick.

I wasn't ready. Yeah. I got him. Okay, part of the show is being honest and true to who we are. Go on. I'm going to tell you what I had was donate a kidney. Okay. That's good.

That's it. There's no real scenario. I just, in one, I've always like, I could do that. I would do that. I would do that for anyone I love and I'd do it for, I don't know if I had to, if it mattered a lot, I'd probably do it for anyone. If I could, you know? You don't think so? You got a kid. Yeah, I got to draw the line somewhere, huh? Yeah. Also, I don't know if anyone, I don't know if anybody wants these dirty rags anyways but if you're hard up you know yeah yeah donate a guy I don't know it's it's it's what I had written down don't know if it's don't don't if

it's like donating a kidney to your kid. I Wouldn't find out there you go. I don't know Don't you find out it was just for like a science project. You know what the fuck? They just had it on display Back a pig kidney I could have got it. You know, it's crazy. I found out recently. They don't take off the old kidney That's right No, really. You got you got like a three bean casserole in there. That's right. No really, so you got like a three bean casserole in there. That's right. I didn't know that. What if you don't need the kidney to a whale and then the whale saved you later?

I'd be, yeah. That could be, I mean you could church up your scenario. There's a back story. I wonder what my kidney would do in a whale. They be like we you're doing hot dog in a hallway, but I don't really I've got it I've got a lot of room for this Sean Patton time for your fourth pick. Oh Man, I'm still I'm still thinking about what organs I would donate If I would donate them all I fact I plan to yeah I don't know any other if you and still live are there any organs you can donate and still live other than a kidney? Like if someone needs, you can't live with what? Can you live with one lung?

Can you even donate? I mean it would probably suck. I don't know. You'd probably donate an eye, huh? Yeah. I mean donate like something I don't like. I would donate, can you donate testicles? You can't say it without me laughing, I'll tell you that yeah, you know, I donate

I don't know if you can just give them away Like if you like yeah, like I don't want kids so high is better So not donating just like you go take one take both the dark web. Yeah, then you have gold balls put in Couple door knockers I would just replace him with like a hazelnut cream dispenser. I like and then you're just like yeah then I want to make that I Want to make that sound of it like those balls make when they're talking the large You know what I mean? Yeah, if you have the hazelnut cream you could be like, thank you for that wonderful blowjob

Would you like some hazelnut cream? You know, like it would be nice Yeah, also I made you a coffee get some coffee Round two uh, all right, uh fourth fantasy is Uh, there's this crazy fucking homeless guy Right on the on the streets of new york and he's there in the West Village, or sometimes in the East Village, and he's constantly just spouting shit about, you know, lizard people and the Illuminati,

and the end of days, it's on its way, and people are just, fuck you, old man, and fuck you, this fucking crazy prick. Fuck, this fucking guy, he probably eats Nick's pizza instead of Joe's, know what I mean? This fucking guy, right? New York guys being dicks. And I say, you know what, I give him a dollar one day,

and he says, thank you, and we make eye contact for a second. I'm like, what's your name? And he tells me his name, and then I listen to everything he's actually saying. And it turns out, holy shit, this is actually Jesus. He came back. He came back in the year 2000, just like the Bible predicted he would.

But instead of just like immediate rapture, he's like, look, dad, I got 33 years on earth. I didn't get to get that much ass. I didn't get to party that much. Yeah, I could turn water into wine. But you know what I mean? I was on some pious shit. Can I just have, give me a few months to just get into it. But it's New York and year 2000 that was a wild time

he got way too in the you know fucking meth and didn't too much coke you know partied a little too hard. He's going to see like the strokes on the Lower East Side and stuff like that. Right right. He's hanging out at Lit seeing Interpol you know he's just fucking right. Just fucking and and he's actually warning warning us of what will happen if we as humans continue down this path, but he's still got a nasty fucking, a nasty tweak. So I get him into rehab, you know, nurse Jesus back to life.

And basically, he just tells me like, look, dude, tells me the secret of life and I share it with whoever I want to. And it's simple. It's believe crazy people, right? Oh yeah. Which is a terrible, terrible, terrible reality. But sometimes, you know, some of those guys I've walked past on the street, they'll say shit.

I'm like, that does not sound wrong, right? Yeah. And then I start thinking about it. I'm like, wait, he said believe crazy people. And I start noticing specifically 12 other crazy guys. I'm like, oh shit, these are his motherfucking apostles, right? John, Luke, Mark, all those dudes. Oh, covered in poop.

Yeah, it's all, and I nurse them all back to health and they decide, you know what, man? You get to pick the rapture. Oh, no. You know, you hook this up big. Beware the enemies. And You know, you hope to something. Oh, beware the enemies. And you know what I do? I do it. I let the United Health AI system choose it.

That'd be terrible. That'd be terrible. That'd be terrible. Yeah. I do it. I do it. I do it very fairly and pick 144,000 dope ass people. Actually, probably only pick about a thousand and let the tree branches, like the tree sort

of like branch out. Yeah. And then we go to a better place and fuck every asshole. Fuck them all. Yeah. There it is. You sure you don't want to get hit by a car? I love it.

No, no, no, no, no. That mean right at the very end Maybe after I've already set the rapture set the notes. That's like, all right, this is gonna happen in like two days I'm like, all right guys later Maybe it's right before you like like right before you rapture like a second before the car hits you and then you're gone And your clothes just fall to the ground. Oh Yeah, there it is. There it is. See this is why we need writers in this. Oh my god. Dave, talk about your fourth and your final pick.

Okay, my fourth pick. I just like Sean, this was the first one that I wrote down that I was like, I would, I always thought it would be cool I just want a Nate dog and regulators. Oh, yeah. Oh my god They're all around. I know that if they were going straight pound for pound they couldn't see him But you know, it's not fair. I pull out my strap late and Buster's down. We got some girls We go back to the East side. Yeah, that's a great. It's a great I want I want to save someone on the I want to save someone I know on the street. I love the idea of being in a car and like driving

and like looking and being like, oh no, and flipping a bitch and coming back. You know what I mean? That has always been such a huge fantasy of mine that has never, there's been times where we've like crewed up just after the fact and stuff like that, but never like right before it goes down. You know? Yeah. I want to see it. And I want it to be just like, oh, I'm just driving home. Oh no.

And then that dog just lights up and you're like, oh no. I knew I wasn't done working. You're on your way to the East Side Hotel, but there's only one more stop for us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Where are you? The officer cop's just like, and where were you coming from? I was at the East Side Motel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They have to say it that way. Yeah. Yeah. Me and me skirts. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Oh, I got some skirts for the Eve. Nate, he's just from the 50s all of a sudden.

Yeah, we got some skirts. Ooh, I like your size. Size. Yeah. Wow. And her car's broke down and he sings real nice. And her car's broke down and he sings real nice. Which is what I thought it was like

for guys who could sing back then. Yeah. I was like, I thought you could just sing to women everywhere and then they would have sex with you. I bet you that doesn't get you nearly as far as you think it does. I was like, I thought you could just sing to women everywhere and then they would have sex with you. I bet you that doesn't get you nearly as far as you think it does. I don't know. I don't know. You're a good singer. Give it a shot. No, I'm not that kind of good singer. You need to be like an actual good singer. Like you think Juan Yen?

Yeah. You're a good, you're an actual good singer. Talk to me like you're going to bring me home, Isaac. Wait, are you saying that because of my singing abilities I've gotten laid more than you guys? I'm saying I want you to, wondering if you can just talk to a girl and sing to her like you were talking. Hey, can I get you a drink? I don't think that would work.

I've never tried it. Yeah, that, what you just sang kinda sucked. I'm not a good singer. I'm a very smooth. Has a girl ever heard you sing and then said, ooh, I like your size? No, no, no. All right. That's never happened.

All right. I think you have to start singing about something just positive and then reveal that it was her. Like, ooh, girl, the fucking moon is, oh no, that's you, girl. You're the one who's got the tide. You know, like. don't act like that's any better than what I just said we both have the same chance of leaving with that girl I said let me buy you a drink I said like T-Pain T-Pain wrote a whole song about it

I didn't even realize that. T-Pain also had auto correct I believe right now Okay, my final pick a friend of mine gets out of prison. I'm very happy to see him. I go over to his house. What's going on? You know, we catch up. Oh, blah, blah, blah. No, it's not MySpace anymore.

It's TikTok. It's Chinese. It's kind of confusing. But we can watch porn everywhere. Stuff's good in the world now or whatever, right? I'm like, what are you up to in the future? He goes to his closet, he shows me he's got a mushroom lab in his closet. You know when they got all the glass jars or whatever?

Yeah, yeah. Right? As he does that, his PO starts pounding on the door. Oh no, what's gonna happen? He's gonna go back to prison. So I open up all the jars, I take a hero's dose. I take a hero dose, right? Fuck yeah.

Because what's that more than seven grams is a hero dose, isn't that it? So let's say- I don't know the number, but- Of mushrooms? Yeah. I feel like it's more than like five, yeah. I'm not a hero. So let's say I take 12, right?

Boom. PO comes in, I haven't started tripping yet though, right? PO comes in. Everything's fine. He doesn't find the mushrooms. PO leaves. I'm sitting on the couch and then I start fucking feeling weird. I fucking start feeling weird. And I start feeling weird. And I start fucking shaking. And I start fucking shaking. And light beams blast out of my fucking eyeballs. And he thinks I'm dying. Really, I'm achieving Nirvana. I get enlightened. I come back, I solve all the world's problems.

Because I saved my friend. And it's saving, yeah, in the act of being a hero to my friend, I become a hero to the world. Double hero. Double hero. What's your stance on TikTok? Salami.

Double hero. What's your stance? Salami. Double hero. What's your stance on TikTok? Salami. Double hero. What's your stance? Yeah. What am I supposed to say now? That's a fantasy that everybody has right before they take a hero dose. They're like, I might save the world. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'd argue every time you take hallucinogens, you're like, what if this goes terribly right? Yeah. Yeah. That's how I always feel like. hallucinogens you're like what if this goes terribly right yeah maybe I knock maybe I knock something good loose not just a lot of trouble I might cry in the

basement living terrible things that have happened to me we don't know we don't know not even my basement We don't know not even my basement Yeah, double hero beautiful your final pick Final pick final pick fucking shit., so this one is quite simple. Um, I, you ever see, I basically offer myself up to an alien species for them to like torture me, just me, in place of all of mankind, alright?

Oh, that's a good one. So basically that's just like aliens, like aliens that like planted us here on earth, you know, the ones that like, they show up and like, listen, and they're talking in every single language spoken simultaneously. And they're like, we taught you the pyramids, we created your gods, all this shit, you know, like, none of that's real, like, Earth is, it's not flat fuckers. And they take every flat earth or up at once and show them that the world is round and

Then they put them back down and half of us like nah man fuck that this is Hollywood liberal You cook yeah, you cut I don't believe it cuz I don't cuz I take alpha brain Stand-to-game think about that I'm on a protein meat only diet. My clarity is more than yours Motherfuckers, and I don't even I'm from Cleveland. I started talking like this once my eyes were open. I'm from sugar hot brother. Yeah Parents still married wealthy right healthy parents and the aliens bring me up and they're like, okay, so here's what's up We'll fix everything. We'll give you back your ecosystem, right? We will reverse the effects of climate change,

you dumb shits. And now that you know, we're gonna, but you're fucked up royally. So either we torture all of you or just one guy forever. We can torture all of you for one second or one guy for the rest of his life. And I'm like, you know what, man? One second's not gonna be enough.

People are gonna feel it. and then a year from now, just be like, yeah, fuck it, man. I could deal with that again, but if they know I'm up there, just suffering for them, fuck it. I say, let's do it. Let's fucking do it. The aliens fucking take me, and I'm just, that's it. You're alien Jesus.

This is like, yeah, messianic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't, and then, and then a side note, in the credits, when the credits roll on this fantasy, and they start showing, you know yeah, yeah, yeah, and I don't and then at the end a side note in the credits when the credits roll on this Fantasy and they start showing you know extended footage. They're not torturing me at all fucking they just I want you to be up there having like cool sex Well, they just took me to Costa Rica and I paid for all it is bought all 170 of the women and they're just like dude We got this. We got this, alright.

How much? 240 million hollones? We got that. We got that? Hold on. Oh yeah, we're fucking aliens. We got that. And so I'm just living back in Haco, but people think I'm up there.

But it inspires people to be better. But the trick is, not me. I just live it to bot. They're like, actually, the thing is not only torture, but you have to drink and fuck yourself to death. So sorry, you gotta do that. I was doing that anyway. I said, all right, man, cool. I was doing that.

I was doing that for the people, man. David Borey, or no, Sean Jordan, your final pick. All right, I'm a cop. I'm a New York cop. Hell yeah. And yeah, recently separated from my wife. She moved out to LA for work. I'm also kind of married to my job at this point. So I was real quick. Can you see Sean rolling up the flashlight? Just be like, what's going on here guys? You

guys getting told from the flow up. I don't think this great paint was on the wall before you got here, boys. Were you trying to suck the paint back into the can or what? What's going on here? You better be. So I go to LA to visit my wife and I go and she works in this big- What time of year is it? Right around Christmas and she works in this big office building and they're having this

party way up on the, I don't know, like in the middle towards the top. And I get there and I'm happy to see my wife. Wait, what part of LA though? And they're having this party way up on the, I don't know, like in the middle towards the top. And I get there and I'm happy to see my wife. Wait, what part of LA though? I want to say, Century City? Century City. Century City.

They got tall buildings there. Yeah, yeah, they got that. Well, they just got the one in this scenario. And then I go, I'm at the Christmas party. It's great. Is it like a plaza? And then it's, I can't remember the name of the building. Not important.

So I go and there's a Christmas party. I'm talking to my wife. We're having a one-on-one conversation. All of a sudden I hear a bunch of machine guns going off. I don't know what's going on. I hear a bunch of machine guns going off in the lobby and everybody's panicked. I peek out the door. I see what I think are terrorists.

I have no idea what they're doing there. And I just have my gun. That's all I got. I have my gun. That's it. And, and I locked myself in the bathroom. They kind of come and search the got. I have my gun, that's it. And I lock myself in the bathroom. They kind of come and search the room. I hide so they don't see me.

And then throughout the course of the night, I just kind of pick off all these terrorists one by one. I get involved with the cops outside. I get a walkie talkie off on one of the terrorists. And then ultimately- Are you getting blood all over your shoes? Cause you have really nice shoe taste. Are you getting blood all over your shoes?

Yeah, I didn't have any shoes in this scenario. There were no shoes. What? Yeah, no shoes. I was, I tried, so the first dude I killed, I tried to take his shoes. Turns out he's the one terrorist with feet smaller than mine. It's crazy because I have small feet.

He's a huge Swedish guy. And I just kind of pick off all these terrorists one by one. And at the end, the main terrorist, this dude Franz, he's got my wife, he's holding her house, she's got end, the main terrorist, this dude, Franz, he's got my wife, he's holding her house, he's got a gun to her head. Do you, can I just really quick, do you have like a fun catch phrase,

like zippy-dee-dee, or howdy-dee-doo, or something like that? Oh yeah. You bet, motherfucker. That's why I say get, I say get. You're not just doing this alone, though, right? There's someone there helping you. That's all me, I'm talking to this beat cop outside.

Right. He just had a wrong place, wrong time type dude. Yeah. Sort of like spin-off worthy that guy. Maybe. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if this ever happens, God forbid. A weird sort of hybrid last name. Yeah.

I could see him dance. Has he ever danced with stars? Yeah. Well, he, I I mean he's a bit to him I talk about his family because his family matters to him. Okay, he talks about it the whole time. Nice That's a lot of condition in this a and H. Yeah. Yeah Well, he was telling me about some good news that he saw on the on the newspaper page Ends up I ultimately saved the day Franz has my wife. I shoot him. I say My catchphrase. I forgot what it was, hippity dippity motherfucker

is what I say, I say get bent. Get bent motherfucker and then right through the dome, through the skull to the tissue, and then he falls out the window, I grab my wife, I do that first hero scenario and I pull her up, and then, oh my God, Artie, and then I save the day and I go downstairs and then and then Family Matters kills him That's my fantasy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, the guy fell and oh was it a different guy that maybe you thought you'd killed earlier

Yeah, this is the Swedish guy. I broke this dude's neck when we're in the middle of my bloody feet. Oh shit, man Yeah, it's a good fantasy. It is I could see it being a real thing What if that what if that happened like two or three more times as well? I want it to happen again with a vengeance. Yeah. They would get all my money. If they made movies out of this, I'd go see them. Don't do it in my scenario because no planes

exploding in my scenario. Ian just has a baby. I got a baby, dude. I know. What up, dude? Man, he is cute You might get a cry here in a second Yeah, it forced it forced him to podcast. Yeah, he's like that. I'm more of a bitch. I'm more of a visual artist

He has an exclusive with wonder II Better make my pet last pick real quick because he's spicing up and my wife just dropped him off for some reason. It's time for my final pick. I'm going to take, I'm at a very fancy restaurant. Okay. It's opening, it's like, it's opening night of the restaurant.

The reviewers are there to review the restaurant, and then they're also like, oh, and Michael Buble's coming in, and Michael Buble loves Italian food. You know, Buble's Italian, he's coming in, and it's like, oh cool, I'm so excited, I got like an invite to this. You know, my friend, my older brother,

he's a big investor in this restaurant, I'm just there for fun, my older brother, he's a big investor in this restaurant, I'm just there for fun. And the chef, he went for a swim in the Pacific Ocean. Before the, before the, Rick won the chef, the head chef of this restaurant went for a swim in the Pacific Ocean to clear his head before the big night, got eaten by a shark, dude. Fuck, dude.

Eaten by a shark, dead, dead. Swallowed by a shark, we think, but definitely eaten by a shark. So like my brother's, we don't have a chef. We don't have anyone to cook this food. And I'm like, well, you know what? I've been watching a lot of New York Times cooking YouTube videos.

I made three different soups in the last week. Why don't you let me step in there? And I step into that kitchen, throw the apron on, and I cook the best meal that any of these people have ever had I had this in me the whole time and yeah, it's a it's a glory for me situation, but I saved the restaurant I want to add that maybe the chef died roughly a week earlier But no one they were too afraid to let that information out and the dish you served were shark steaks Which unbeknownst to everyone was the shark that ate the chef. Yes. Whoa

Yeah, I went in for revenge on that shark. Yeah, and I call it shark a la Carl And then I go and it's like a national dish people come from around the world to have shut shark a la Carl They love shark a la Carl. Nobody's mad at me for killing a shark because they're like, it's only one a year, it's limited supplies, it's sustainable. I say it's sustainable. And then people immediately sign off. I just gotta hear the chef say it, then I'm like, sure, of course it is.

So that's my final pick. Super producer Isaac, do you have a heroic scenario? Oh my God, I was so distracted by this fucking spray paint that I didn't think of a Pick Yeah, I'm super high right now I do feel kind of loopy because of the spray paint. Yeah, that's what huffing is. It's tough I would like this, you know, you know the thing uh, persistent and pervasive fantasy

I've had over the years is like putting out a fire. Two at a time? Just like in general. It's like kind of relevant. Timely. Yeah, timely. Timely relevant to today's day and age. But I've had this since I was a kid. I'm like, I want to like, I've always thought firefighters were like heroes, you know.

Oh, wow. I mean, that seems, that sounds so disingenuous, but that's like a real fucking thing that I have. I've always just felt like real deep, real in there, and I just felt like, you know, I just felt like a real good... I just felt like you're... Because like fire scares the shit out of me. So I'm like, oh my god, you can walk in there and like put it out. That's amazing.

Once a year I watch Backdraft start to finish, you know, and you can extinguish a fire with the tears coming out of my eyes, man. Kurt Russell, baby. You know? Dennis Leary's his favorite comedian, just because of that one show. Because of Rescue Me? Just because of Rescue Me. Brother, if I watch Backdraft, I finish at the start,

because those dudes are hot. Yeah, dude. All right, Isaac's a firefighter. Just to recap, David, you went first. You took breaking up a liquor store robbery, an Aaron Gabrokovich situation. The kids got Rick as Christmas airplane tickets. A Nate Dogg Warns You Regulate situation

and taking a hero's dose of mushrooms. Sean Patton, you went second. You took, you're meeting your girlfriend's friends and you have to fight a team of mercenaries who you used to work with at the bar. There's the Bonnaroo killing a bear and then diffusing a situation with some real scary tweaker hillbillies.

There is you surrender the ability to get people pregnant in exchange for bringing your ex-girlfriend back to life and then finding Jesus and learning that we should all listen to crazy people, and then basically becoming Jesus for the aliens were your final two picks. Yeah.

Amazing. Sean Jordan, you went third, you took getting hit by a car. Yeah. And yep, going on a hike. A to B on that one. Going on a hike, tracin' someone in an elevator, donating a kidney, and then finally, die hard.

And then die. Yeah. I went last and I took killing someone with a Sandy Kofax baseball because he broke into my house. Why don't kill him? I beat him. And then I put him in a big headlock.

Butter up. Buying Mark Wahlberg a plane ticket on the 9-11 plane Kofax baseball because he broke into my house. Why don't kill him? I beat him and then I put him in a big headlight Buying Mark Wahlberg a plane ticket on the 9-eleven plane or just convincing him to take his flight anyway saving a whale getting saved by a whale and then finally stepping into chef at a restaurant and Thanks to Sean Patton's brilliance serving up shark steaks of the shark today the original ship You know this get this didn't give me an actual funny idea that could be pulled off if there is ever a big Patton's brilliance, serving up shark stakes of the shark that ate the original ship. You know, this gave me an actual funny idea that could be pulled off. If there is ever a big corporate party in LA, anywhere, and suddenly a group of like big Swedish mercenaries come in and they're firing their machine guns on the ground, everybody

goes, oh no. And they're like, you will all surrender now. To the night. And then they just, they're just a bunch of fucking Chippendales. One of them. Yes, no. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like a group of Swedish house DJs. Yeah, they fucking grind on all the women and G-strings. There's one person that doesn't want to dance and they just shoot them like RoboCop. That's what happens if you don't dance. It's actually Ace of Base. They're tall Swedish guys, right? It would behoove you to move your feet.

Nice, dude. Nice. We wanna hear your suggestions. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter, AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone at the A-F-E, Patreon, where there are mailbagging episodes, auction drafts, bonus episodes, all of that fun stuff.

Shout out to everyone at the AFE Shaslackity, the AFE subreddit, shout out to mega producer, Isaac Lee, currently avoiding fumes. It's nuts, it's crazy. Oh yeah. Ha ha ha. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel, shout out to Frankie Oden, shout out to Hajib, shout out to Sid The Duder,

more important than all of that. Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Family Everything. Sh-clackity. Nice. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi guys, I'm Ego Wodim. Check out my new show, Thanks Dad, now on HeadGum. I was raised by a single mom and I don't have a relationship with my dad and, spoiler, I

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