All Fantasy Everything - Hiding Places (w/ Josh Gondelman, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

Be sure to listen where nobody can find you!!   Portland, Seattle, Boston, and New York! We're doing a live show in your city! Get tickets at linktr.ee/allfantasyeverything. Guest: Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman IG: @joshgondelman Tour dates: joshgondelman.com   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, liveshows, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting Hiding Places. Our guest today is a hilarious comedian and writer who's written for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and Desus and Mero.

His new special, People Pleaser, is available on most streaming platforms, and you can catch him on tour in a city near you. More on that later. We're joined today by returning champion, Josh Gondelman. Hello. Thank you. Not yet.

Not yet, Josh. It's okay. It's okay. Not yet, Josh. It's okay. I'm used to the stand-up rules. They say your name, it's time. You're valid.

You're valid. You're valid. This is podcast rules, which means there's no rules but Marissa's rules. They say your name, it's time. You're valid. This is podcast rules, which means there's no rules but Marissa's rules. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and joining me as always are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Don't you dare talk either.

Don't either of you dare talk. Let's get everything the podcast where josh conleman is allowed to talk whenever the hell he wants. Go ahead, buddy. And I'm gonna, baby. I'm gonna talk all over this situation. Fuck yeah, dude. Absolutely. Intonate? Is that a word?

I'm gonna do it. Intonate all over this. Bebop and skit, skat, all over. I don't intonate anymore. I got a vasectomy, so they just stop that from happening. Oh, it's dry. You intonate anymore. I got a vasectomy. So they just stop that. Oh, it's dry. You intonate dry now.

Intimate? Is that the word I was thinking of? Intimate. Isn't that when you put a needle in something? That intubate, like a lung. Or incubate. You're allowed to incubate on this podcast, too. Text Sue Carmel.

She knows. I do have some. I've got some things incubate. I've got kind of a lab in the other room. I can't see it here. Oh, I keep a couple chicken eggs under the lamp you know i'm saying gotta keep them hot and ready just in case um i was gonna infiltrate that's what i was gonna do today i was gonna sneak kind of sneak into an enemy organization sneak in under false pretenses yeah this have this be your podcast by the time it's

over where you you just slowly like and then you send us to break you thank marissa at the end we were discussing now on the uh on the all family patreon on the on the pre-rolls you could see more of this talking about how fabian is just like a bad guy name yeah yeah it's scary it's scary running into a fabian what like even if your lawyer's name was fabian you're like this guy's gonna win the case but i'm gonna lose yeah exactly exactly i'm gonna go broke i'm gonna go broke fighting this jaywalking ticket yeah this is i don't want to know what fabian did to get the w in court you know you don't want to know what he did to get his law degree yeah you don't know what fabian did to get the w in the wn you know? You don't want to know what he did to get his law degree. Yeah. You don't know what Fabian did to get the W in the WNBA

because he plays there even though he's a guy. He's got like a school of hard knocks diploma in his office. And you're like, you're too afraid to ask him if or where he really went to law school. Ric Flair and Chuck Knobloch signed it. That's the dean and the provost welcome welcome to rick flair school of law i'm your teacher mankind it is i'll just go just to everyone else it is early we are recording at 8 a.m pacific standard

time and now i must apologize on air for almost blowing it i i apologize nobody knows nobody they need to know they need to know that i'm screwed up you're putting this on yourself i need to be punished almost screwed up isn't screwed up you nailed it also i'm logged in as the head gum host i just saw your text marissa i'm sorry i'm just all over the place today i'm surely fine i'm all over here it's like fabian got a hold of my computer maybe you're fabian bro you thought about that when was the last time you looked in a mirror i think the real fabian was in you all there was that netflix show secret fabian secret fabian yeah yeah oh i like watching undercover fabian undercover fabian's good fab fabian movie undercover fabian right

that uh yeah where he pretends that he's not fabian and he rips off the mask and he's like you all work for me that was cool it was a cool move that wasn't cool the mask the mask was a fabian mask though he ripped it off and it was just the real version of him i also loved the mask of fabian with Antonio Mendes. Yeah. Speaking of the mask, have I ever shown you guys my lock screen? Because somebody called me on it the other day, and it was very embarrassing.

Smoking, right? Yeah, look. Oh, that's fun. Smashing. It was Dulce Sloan, and she was like, who is that man on your phone? You say, calm down dulce yeah then i have to explain well it's the hulk with the mask face yeah and he's green yeah it's two not real men combined into a third real not real man yeah i'm 35 years old now is the smashing is

it one of these or all of them is it like like smashing like having sex? Is it smashing like Hulk smash? Or is it smashing like Austin Powers like something? I really think that's up to the viewer to decide. I guess Austin Powers never said smashing, but I bet Basil Exposition did. Yeah, he did. He said smashing, but didn't he? But this is the way that the Hulk said, or that Jim Carrey said it, where he's like, smashing.

But does it mean sex or does it mean destroying something? Oh, I don't think it matters. Same thing if you're doing it right, man. Once. Hey! We'll be right back. Welcome to the All Fantasy Morning Show. 301, baby.

All right, we go now to Marissa with traffic. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. The Hulk, when you're on the road, do you smash after shows, if you know what I mean? Hulk crash. Josh, you do stand up. What's up with my fucking wife? She's lovely.

I know your wife. You do stand up. You're a therapist. What's up with my fucking wife that's some funny shit anyway uh we'll be after the break we're gonna be talking about kanye west how right is he but first night moves we're all thinking it we're we going to criticize a guy that deserves criticism, but we're going to do it racistly. Should Kanye pipe down? Do you ever catch? Do you ever do yourself a favor and just catch the morning radio like on the way to work?

Do you ever like actually listen sometimes? No, I never. I was in a u-haul yesterday and i heard the radio and i was like i forgot about this whole it's interesting man sometimes sometimes just to be like oh man it's just so bad but you know when i do hear it i notice some connective tissue between what they're doing now and like monologues on late night shows where they're like they're like just use little studies they'll be like oh yeah it's fun little study you know like that kind of thing like we would write about that like it's a lot of that same there's also a big connection with podcasts

it's like they're just bad podcasters do you guys not do morning radio ever not anymore because i've done it like five times this year it's the same oh no i haven't oh yeah it's frozen in time yeah it's the same thing david you're out here in dc gonna get a little smearle and cry come to the fucking show please i like to i like to have part of my career being uh talking to people who don't like me and have never heard of me about me yeah they always want to have no i've I've never heard of you, but you're going to be in the Google. All right, man, I've never heard of you either. Yeah. You think I listen to Drive Job Radio in Tulsa? Right.

And they always do like, and today we have Funny Man, Josh Gondelman. Oh, yeah. Right. No one calls me Funny Man. Right, that sounds like it's 1920s talk for someone who passes bad checks. Yeah. That Funny Man ran off with my wife. He moved from flim flam into being a funny man.

And then finally moonshinery. And that's when the FBI got wind of his exploits. They'll always like, like, they'll always be like, you know, John Caparulo? He was here like three months ago and he told the funniest story or like something like that. They have the weirdest thing that they found online they're like you know i was looking at your instagram and you had a starbucks six days ago tell me about that dude i was in i was in boise with shane and the we did morning radio and the dj he just starts talking and he he goes yeah i was with taylor one time and then uh we were all there and then

steven came out turns out he was talking about Taylor Swift and Steven Tyler. And you're like, they don't call you whatever your first name is. I guarantee it. The bone? You happen to be there. That day, Taylor Swift and Steven Tyler were texting like, remember when we hung out with the bone? That was so sick. We got to get back to boise yeah when people do it well it's like so

because there are some great comedians that like got into radio and they're funny and they're like nice and they're engaged and interested but when you do a bad one it is rough oh yeah there's also a lot of those morning time djs who also do comedy. And then you got to talk to them about that. They're like, I also do a little dabble. And you're like, man, I,

yeah, it's 6. A. M. Right. It's always 6. A. M.

It's so early. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not funny till two. Anybody who's awake and listening to this will not be awake when the shows I'm promoting are occurring. Right. No one, no one has ever come to my show and been like,

I heard you on stinky in the weeds this morning. It's 6. A. occurring. Right. No one has ever come to my show and been like, I heard you on Stinky and the Wheeze this morning. It's 6 a.m. They're short haul truck drivers who've already been awake for two hours. You know what I mean? It's like, come on. These people drank coffee from a gas station. They're not coming tonight.

73 year old middle school teachers who don't know how to use a podcast on their way to work. Shout out to them. We're hoping to penetrate that market it's big if you can tap into that if you can jump the median and get into that the the market for people who truly don't know how podcasts work specifically 73 year old middle school teachers which brings us to our next segment which of these kids is being a little shit all right uh seanis jordan speaking of little shits for middle school seanis jordan is here sean cougar melon jordan on instagram i was a shit in middle school for sure i mean you were definitely not wearing a shirt under that vest that was high school that was

high school baby i'm sorry that was when you grown. That was the grown and sexy look. Middle school, no vest, no shirt. The vest was an addition. Just windmill and topless. I had some moves in middle school. We were talking about before the podcast started. I feel like I'm stuck in that. How you thought you could windmill and you were wearing a vest and no shirt. I can't remember if that was during the podcast started i feel like i'm stuck in that uh how you were you thought you could

windmill and you were wearing a vest and no shirt i can't remember that was during the podcast or after i thought i had it in me oh go ahead if i well you thought you had it in you just to windmill without knowing how to do it i honestly i honestly hand to god thought that i saw it and i was like i could do that i really thought i could and i tried i really tried did you try before the dance no you just showed up in prom with a self-printed license to mail it could have been it could have been junior it could have been whatever the junior dances i'm not sure if it was prom or the junior dance but i thought the adrenaline would get me through it i really did i was like if you're forced to do it if everyone's watching you'll do it if you back me into a corner i'm gonna windmill my way out like how a mom can windmill if her baby

is in danger yes if a windmill falls on your baby you can pick it up one more rival b-boy crew picks up a mom's baby. Or just someone Dutch. Listen, I also want to say I understand the thought process here. You had a Vesta no shirt underneath. You were like, if I'm the guy, Vesta no shirt underneath, windmilling at the junior prom, 99? I'm a legend. I'm dying to hear it. I was standing on the I was standing

on the speakers I was one of those kids who still I got again not a kid that's not one of those kids you're trying to rage against the machine me and Zach DeLaRocca were standing on the speakers at my junior pro kids one of those oh I get it one of those kids we were up I get it. One of those kids. We were up on the speakers. Speaker gargoyles. Yes, speaker gargoyles. Oh, start it. Start it.

Start it, please. Call me the speaker gargoyle. The speaker gargoyle himself. The speaker gargoyle. You need to pick a new morning radio name. Too many syllables. It's clumpy. It's cumbersome. What about the chode it's the same message across

my kids are gonna hear this hey what's up I'm the chode formerly known as the speaker gargoyle too much on the check right there so just make it out to the chode too much dip on the check what about the midnightnight Wind, dude?

Hey, yeah. Any of these could be my corporation name. I'll start calling you the Midnight Wind. Or Chauncey. Oh, Chauncey. Chauncey and Fabian. There we go. Chauncey is actually short for the Midnight Wind.

Don't ask how. It's a British slang. Yeah. The Midnight Wind is going to be my penis, and Chauncey and Fabian are my second and third testicle. The first one needs no introduction. That's what he calls it, needs no introduction. It's a dollar sign.

Sean, where can people check you out, baby? Well, on the tour that you're going to mention at some point. Other than that, around Portland. Oh, Faded. What am I doing? Come to Faded tonight. you're going to mention at some point. Other than that, around Portland, just, oh, Faded. What am I doing? Come to Faded tonight. It's going to be dope. We're having it inside because the weather's going to be, and I'm sorry, it's going to be crappy.

Inclement? Yes, it's going to be inclement. Oh, you guys got Keith Johnson, yeah? Yes, and I'm excited about it. So come on down to Faded. My birthday is the next day. Not like that matters, but if you feel like coming and saying happy early birthday that matters that matters yeah i appreciate it guys you matter thank you thanks little speak gargoyle is that the big four oh no the big four

one big yeah ain't nobody care about the four one little four one it's the dirk novitski dude yeah you're your jerk year happy dirt day yeah happy dirt day if i could monetize immediately knowing a basketball player for someone's birthday i would be in a bigger house right now i feel that a way about sneaking farts in an elevator how come how come some people are born good at basketball and we're born good at this stuff and it's like equal an equal roll of the dice yeah and it's so arbitrary because i'm as good at that as nurk novitski is in basketball but absolutely you get up on one leg and kind of fade away

i don't do anything i play stone face when david farts in an elevator, it's unblockable. You can do all you want. There's no way to defend it. To be fair, Mark Cuban does pay me to do it. That was part of the big harassment investigation. I bet in your practice elevator, it's stinky. You know what you're doing. Well, you gotta practice like you play.

That guy farting in the elevator is david boy cool guy jokes on 87 he's not on twitter i'm not on there i think i said cool guy jokes on 97 cool guy jokes 87 on instagram is what i meant to say that's kind of okay i'm smoking i woke up at 5 45 to start smoking ribs so just just that sounds is that what is smoking ribs code for you is that portland slang for ripping cigarettes smoking cigarettes at the rising sun hard smoking them too like juliet lewis you know what i mean just like a hard pull like the past is in there i wear my apron when i smoke winston's on the log smoking ribs burning them that's right can i ask you though did you have to take off that weird

rib membrane it came sans membrane. It was great. Ooh. Yeah. That's always like, I like working with meat, but that's a little too visceral for me. Yeah. Now all I'm thinking of is Drake rapping about making ribs and going, lobotomize my ribs. No brain. No brain. Lobotomize my ribs.

No brain. I bet she's got a guy. I bet he's got a rib guy. I bet he's got a crazy rib guy. He's got a rib guy. I bet he's got a crazy rib guy. He's got a rib guy on the payroll. Yeah. He's eating ribs of animals that you don't even know they have ribs. Rare ribs, dude.

Penguin ribs. Penguin ribs. Squid ribs. Sugar glider ribs. Squid ribs. Boneless animal ribs, dude. Yeah. What are boneless animals called?

Oh, invertebrates. Invertebrates there we go yeah i didn't i didn't actually know i just wrote josh you did the late answer on jeopardy thing like right after i knew it too i also try to impress people squid ribs sounds like slang for flaccid penis. Like, dude, I swear we were about to hook up, and then I went squid ribs. Happens to the best of us, bro. Don't even worry about that. This is all about my lord I drink.

Oh, God. Yeah, that'll give you squid butt, squid ribs. Bringing up my lord on the lord's day. The lord's day. The lord's day saturdays for the lord my lord my lady uh well david where can people see you apply your trade oh uh you can come see me november 25th i believe the day after Thanksgiving. I'm headlining the Denver Comedy Works. You can come see me December 3rd. I'm at the Crocodile in Seattle December 4th.

I'm headlining Helium. You're going to be in Portland. That's right. Come out. Let's sell that out again. You got a feature? You got a feature? No.

I have asked you this twice, dude. You want me to have Shane feature for you? We've had this conversation two times. I'll fly up. I'll fly up. I hear you loud and clear. Josh Gondelman is here as well. At Josh Gondelman on Twitter.

At Josh Gondelman on Instagram. That's right. And on TikTok now. right and on tiktok now i'm i do i put on tiktok too i don't know what i'm doing me either do you find it loud oh yeah it's loud it's confusing it is there were other things where i'm like oh i'm too old for this but this is the first person that like i when i would see my grandfather like look at the flashing zeros of a or 12s of a VCR and be like, this,

I don't know how to handle this. That's how I feel. Flashing twelves. It makes me feel maxed out. I deleted it. It makes me feel like, and I, I started one and then I just deleted the app.

So I guess I still have a thing. It just, it makes me feel, it makes me feel crazy. Dana is so good at it. Dana is so good at it. She's so good at it. She's got like hundreds of thousands of followers and stuff.

And I'll wander into the room and I feel like our age gap is massive when that happens. You know what I mean? I feel like I should put on slippers and a robe and wander in confused and have her set my pills out and then show me how to use TikTok.

Do you ever just pop up in the back of one of her TikTok smoking ribs? If you just raise up with a rib in your hand. If I'm raising up, Petey Pablo's involved, brother. Just to be clear about that. You're just like Kid Rock coming onto the stage out of that like elevator

that brings him up we just got a rib in your hand you're like dana i'm lost that's not the only thing i do like kid rock 301 you you vote like kid rock i vote like kid rock dude i carry my comment i can't i comment on women's appearances like that you just mean while wearing a cape right i mean while wearing a cape, a fedora, and no shirt. I'm like Sean at a middle school dance. Go to the White House and vote with a brick, man. Right through the door. Wake up, Joe. Lower the gas prices.

That's all I'm saying. APR, get it down. Far right podcast now, Josh. We feel like there's a gap in the market and we're sliding in there. I feel like, honestly, it's where the least gap in the market is. I feel like the gaps are anything but far right big gap in the market we're failing it uh nancy pelosi your ice cream's too expensive boom got her yeah got her josh where you're on tour i'm on tour people where can people come see you this comes out out this week. Great. I'm going. I'm all over the place. I'm doing November 4th, Cobbs in San Francisco.

November 5th, Hereafter in Seattle. We're about to add a late show. November 6th, Sunday, Helium in Portland. I'm running down a lot of dates. The next week, or no, sorry, two weeks later, it is a city winery in Atlanta, growlers in Memphis, and then plan of the tapes in, in Louisville, which I'm super hype. I'm super hyped for. And then Boston at the end of the month left Boston Thanksgiving weekend,

which I I'm so psyched for. It's going to be great. And then December, Chicago, Minneapolis, Milwaukee. I'm like all over the place, Toronto in January and, and Salt Lake city, which I've never been to before. It's beautiful. I'm excited. Gorgeous.

It's a gorgeous city. I'm sorry to do so much. I feel like ludicrous. Yeah, what are you talking about? Just all the city names. Oh, come on. In ludicrous that you're dropping area codes or ludicrous that you feel ridiculous saying all this? Both.

It's like smashing and smashing and smashing. Let me tell you, you would never come up shorter than five. Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Do you think anybody out there doesn't know he was a rapper? Like any of these kids who just know him from Fast and Furious? Like, do you think they...

That's crazy. Well, I feel like... This is my theory. I might have... I don't know if I've said to you all before. My theory is the highest level of comedy and rap is the same, which is you quit to do only serious acting roles. That's how you know you've mastered it.

Absolutely. I agree with that completely. Yeah. Which is not my goal, but it is whenever you see someone do it, you're like, they've ascended. Right. When was the last time Ludacris rapped? I mean, he rapped shooting on Fast 10. There's a feature rap time Ludacris rapped I mean he rapped shooting on

Fast 10 there's a feature rap on Ludacris and he's like I don't even feature rap I'm still shooting right now still shooting I've seen like 10 of those movies I still don't know his name in them I just call him Ludacris

I call everyone the actor name for sure except for Dom I know Dom Toretto I don't know. Except for Dom. I know Dom Toretto. I don't know any of their other names. Family. There's Hobbs. Oh, right, because they did Hobbs and Shaw. But which one is Hobbs and which one is Shaw? Nobody cares.

Science hasn't figured it out yet. Letty's in there. What's up? Oh, yeah, Letty. Oh, that's Michelle Rodriguez, right? Bow Wow, I think think is one of the characters is Bow Wow the guy or is Bow Wow the character's name there's Fabian you tell me

Fabian's off camera the whole series his presence is implied there's an implied Fabian in every shot he's right there sometimes you don't need to like throw Fabian in everybody's face you can work with no no show don't tell come on i am ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram

at ian carmel on jewish smoking ribs app uh be fondly baby it's gonna be a hard day. Smoke that hog. Seattle, Washington. We have added a late date. John told you about it last episode. We are at The Crocodile on November 11th. One show only. Come see us. What is that?

Armistice Day. Armistice Day, but we are going to get it popping anyway. You're going to be doing harmistice. Yeah, we're going to be doing harmistice. Yeah, we're going to be doing harmistice. Oh, I thought you said pharmacist. It's pharmacist day, dude. We're going to be up there on various blood pressure medications and anti-anxiety pills.

Filling scripts all day, baby. Bring any prescription to the show. We will fill it on pharmacist day. Come to the Crocodile. Whatever drug you want, we will make sure that happens for day come to the crocodile whatever drug you want we will make sure that happens for you and that's a guarantee that is a guarantee patreon thing that's this is this is for everyone dude and what phil scripts is a guy we know who's gonna be i put that on script with a name like that you've got to be a pharmacist

phil scripts no this life chose him. He's a screenwriter, actually. He's a screenwriter. Big Philly Scripps. Yeah, he wrote... No, I lost it. All of that is satire. We won't give you any drugs.

But come to the Crocodile on November 11th. We're going to be doing a live All Fantasy everything. It's going to be a lot of fun. And then Sean Jordan is going to get dunked on by Sean Kemp. Yeah, we'll see. He's going to try again. Wait, he's going to try. lot of fun. And then Sean Jordan is going to get dunked on by Sean Kemp. Yeah. Yeah, we'll see. He's going to try again. Wait, he's going to try. Does he have a steakhouse?

Did I hear that right? He has a weed store. Oh, we should still patronize. Yeah, we'll go there. Yeah, we'll go there. Tickets available now. And then the following weekend, November 18th, you can come see me. You can come see Sean.

You can come see some other guests at Revolution Hall doing stand-up comedy in anticipation of our November 20th Live All Fantasy Everything at Revolution Hall. Sold out! Sold out. Oh, shit. It's sold out. Oh, yeah. Damn, that's crazy. Flip the calendar.

December 15th, we will be at the Wilbur. Wilbur. I saw, I was on that block this week, and I didn't get my phone out in time. There's a big All Fantasy Everything lit up over the Wilbur. Always. It's there always. It's been there for years. It's the near to me of the theater district in Boston, Eternal Life.

Tell them to buy some tickets. Buy some tickets. We're selling pretty well it's going yeah but if you want that philly show if you want me to act like i'm in philly it has to come to boston which is the boston people you want me to do that i'll tell you this i will i haven't tried the windmill since prom we sell 80 of these tickets i will try to windmill yeah i will try my hardest to do the windmill on that stage it's big enough isn't it you're about to turn 41 it's beautiful my dick's gonna be there

too josh josh we got over our skis we booked the we booked the wilbur we said we don't draw that big anywhere maybe portland and they said no no go ahead you're going to the world so we're doing the wilbur and And it's going all right. People of Boston, if you've listened to me ever in your lives, which you haven't, but go see all fantasy everything at the Wilbur. It's going to be a hell of a show. These guys, I mean, you're listening already. But if you're listening in Boston, let me activate you like Manchurian candidates to buy tickets.

There it is. Yeah. What would be the code word to activate people in Boston? I mean... Dunkin'. Dude, people would be activating too frequently. You need it to be like a safe word, like something you're not just going to hear.

Like your safe word can't be like, oof. Antoine Walker. Antoine Walker. Dude. Antoine Walker. Honestly, in today's league,toine walker he'd be 25 eight and eight i swear to god he better than draymond guy kid nobody nobody would even know janice on tentacumpo no they wouldn't even even exist that name wouldn't even exist

i'm from somewhere outside of boston where that's a good accent wherever between rhode island let's say right it's a midpoint that's a that's a situate accent it's a good accent. Wherever between... Rhode Island, let's say. Right, it's a midpoint. That's a situate accent. It's a beautiful situate accent. South Shore. It happens to be a perfect situate accent. This is how they say on there.

Giannis Antetokounmpo. The three of us will be in Boston. We are going to have an amazing special guest in Boston as well, so make sure you get those tickets to the Wilbur. Philadelphia, come turn Boston into Philadelphiailadelphia no that's a bad no nobody's gonna buy those tickets come on out buy tickets boston we're gonna go from the theater they're gonna go from the theater they're gonna uh take over philadelphia that's right we're gonna take over phil we're gonna do it we're gonna march uh with a little drummer and somebody with a bandage over their eye

and a tri-corner hat. We're going to march over to Philly and take it over. Come to the Wilbur. And then the next night, we're at the Bell House in Brooklyn. First show sold out. Some tickets still available for the second show, but going fast. We're going to have some very amazing special guests. Hell yeah.

At those shows. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Who we can't even announce yet. So make sure you buy those tickets. Fabian's going to be at the first one. Shannon Sharp's at the second one. Shannon Sharp. We're going to be drafting like dudes who are just big.

Shannon Sharp is just big. I saw him bench like 450 like three days ago on instagram dude i said joel can boost your uh deadlift like 415 i was like that's the strongest guy i've ever seen yeah these guys are out here i think it was i think it was over 400 pounds deadlift joel can boost i love it shout out to joel that's awesome yeah get it doing all doing that that all that career popping off and also finding time to deadlift like that it's incredible it's amazing you can't have it all did deadlift ever give you like shaky butthole when you do it do it always when i watched it dude some of these kids it's scary to it was it's just like raw raw weightlifting i mean benching at

least it looks like deadlift you just like pick up heavy shit it's just i raw, raw weightlifting. I mean, benching, at least, it looks like deadlift, you just pick up heavy shit. It's just, I don't know, makes me nervous. We had a hex bar, though. It makes it a lot easier. Yeah. I never got the shaky butthole, but maybe a tense gooch. Okay.

Yeah, tighten the gooch. Almost like a shy, sort of timid, like a coy sort of gooch almost like a like a sort of a like a like a like a shy sort of timid like like a like almost like a like like a coy sort of gooch a bashful gooch that's the way a bashful gooch yeah this is bashful gooch in the morning come see all fantasy everything on the road we're coming to cities near you uh but buy those tickets right now because those are the only dates and then we're all going to uh we're going to get in a rocket ship and live in outer space so if you want to come see us live buy tickets to those shows uh we're gathering here today not to talk about bashful goochers but to fantasy draft hiding places which are bashful

gooch might be one uh yeah you say this was your this was your suggestion hiding places what was the impetus behind it i was just thinking about um like it so i i love the show and i'm like what haven't what hasn't been drafted yet and i was thinking like hiding places it's useful right it's practical it's functional it's fashionable i know i do sound like a coward choosing this no no no no i like but i'm a coward myself hey coward cowards get caught cowards get caught man not us that's right that's right we're on the lambs get caught snitches get stitches cowards get caught deserters live forever that's my intention for deserting the armed forces if you just hide you're good these colors do run

and then they fucking hide and they hide and then they have grandchildren it's a fake mustache it says these colors do hide it's like a groucho glasses that's the merch that's the tour merch these colors run oh boy it's a go bag and a canadian passport yeah did you guys is it what did you have any

parameters of your height what's hiding parameter? So I was thinking about this. I've given this a lot of thought the last couple of days. And I do think it's an interesting thing to think about because these are perilous times. So I think it's places people can hide and places people can hide things. But if you're like, oh, where would an animal hide? I'm not opposed to that i think it's any kind i'm wide open yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm ready yeah i'm excited to hear because and it also felt it felt like this one i had a couple other ideas that felt like it was

gonna all be like an if you know you know reference thing but this one i think is like everybody's gonna come at it from their own angle and and it's going to be very accessible to the listener. Absolutely. Accessible to the listener, but not to the people looking for us. No, inaccessible to those people. Inaccessible. Or my shit. The way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you.

And we throw and shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Uh-oh. Oh, Sean wins. Oh, boy. Sean's on a hot streak hot streak he's a hot streak he's a hot boy gentlemen sean as the winner of rock paper scissors that they come upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question oh the gooch yeah that's for gooch. It's like Donkey Kong when he throws the barrel down. Pretty cut and dry. He throws the barrel down, Donkey does,

and it goes all the way to the right, then it drops down, then it goes all the way. Or is he Kong? His name's... That's probably Kong. He's Donkey Kong. He's both? I think his name is Donkey Kong. I think it's like Darth Vader. Darth is the title. Because he's also Diddy Kong. Oh, right. Kong is the last name. Never mind. It's the opposite of what I said. Or like Darth is the title. Because he's also Diddy Kong.

Oh right, Kong is the last name. Never mind, it's the opposite of what I said. But like, same vein. Barrel goes all the way to the right, drops down. All the way to the left, drops down. All the way to the right, drops down. And so on until you either jump over it or get smashed by the barrel. Smash it in.

Basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, Sean, Sean Jordan, my dear friend, on the cusp of his 41st birthday, a father, a husband, a son. I did it. And a brother. Yeah. What will the order of today's draft be?

I am. Yeah, I do have brothers. Josh going first. Okay. It was his idea. Got to respect game. I'm second. David's third.

Ian's fourth. Hot corner. Okay. Ian's fourth. first okay it was his idea gotta gotta respect game i'm second david's third in sport hot corner okay in sport and with that fourth i feel like you just say that a lot when you're ripping when you're what is it ripping ribs smoking ribs smoking ribs dude you're just people walk by you go ian's fourth he keeps smoking your ribs hot corner we got so far from what ian meant by smoking ribs which is which is just literally the thing he was doing i'm literally smoking ribs right now they're right out there when we when we take this break and it's just a short second i'm gonna go apply a apple cider vinegar apple juice spritz yeah oh are you doing the oh what's the technique three two ones yeah it's not as good with baby back

ribs so i'll get into it later. I'll get into it later. Oh, man. I love... I use that 3-2-1. That shit hits, though. I'm doing... Apparently, it's better for spare ribs. Yeah, that's what I...

That's how I did it. I did it with spare ribs. These are baby back, so it's less fat. It is. We'll be right back after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything

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Pleaser, which you can find now for free on Amazon Prime or on any other streaming platform for a bargain at three times the price, I'd say, sort of price. So go ahead and check that out right now. Josh Gondelman, very funny stand-up comedian. Thank you. Whether it's on a military base or at a comedy club, he'll crush. He'll get you there. Sean Jordan, we are drafting Hiding Pl places, and you picked Josh to draft first. Josh, what will that first pick be?

I think out of respect for history and tradition as a Jewish person, I'm going to go addicts. That makes sense. It just feels like it would be disrespectful to history to not pick addicts, number one. It's been a huge hiding place for our people. Massive. Massive. You've read about it in middle school.

You get it. Addicts, number one, I think just to show of respect the tip of the cap. Good during a genocide, good during a game of hide and seek. It can cover you anywhere you want to do it. It is a versatile hiding place. You've got mementos you don't want the grandkids to see throw them up in

the attic hide them up there hide them up there flowers up there yeah flowers good for flowers that's right first attic i've ever had in a crib that i could get in safely yeah is at this house that we just bought it feels nice going up in the attic i don't just go up there but like when i have to go up there feels nice it's cool if you just go up there man yeah you go up there it's a little warm sounds like you go up there it does sound like you just go up there so i go up there and smoke a rib every now and again what do you want to do what do you want to do about it get off my back you know ribs in the attic yeah get off my fucking back about it it's a follow up novel you have a very intricate system

of jerking off that you have set up in the attic it is undisturbed it's just for you it's there's mirrors there's candles I wouldn't there's nails everywhere I wouldn't advise anybody else go up there ever at this point I can only finish in the attic

people talk about the man cave not. People talk about the man cave. Not enough people talk about the man loft. The man loft. The attic. When you climb a ladder up to your secluded sanctuary, it's different. It's hunchback style. Back in the day, my buddy, his room was like in. There was almost like an attic

inside the house. You had to, you know, the stairs that you pull down, you had to do that to get up into his room, but it was in the house. So pretty much the attic. And we didn't like to go, we'd go up there and drink 40s. We didn't like to go down the steep stairs to pee. So I was like, I'm just going to pee in this 40. And you know how they get skinny at the top?

They're like, they go to a point. So I was holding it foolishly at the top and i start peeing and i was like it's slipping it's slipping it's slipping oh no he came over he came over to grab it and it just right it just missed his hands and it just went and just spilled all over the floor did you piss all over his hand or had you stopped pissing all over the i had stopped but the 40 spilled all over the rug so we flipped the rug over and kept hanging out love those flippable rugs we just kept hanging out i've never seen a reversible rug this was this was starter made those rugs for a while in the 90s and they had nba team colors well yeah yeah it was a charlotte hortons rug one friend with the orlando magic rug yeah yeah oh man boy oh boy

that's oh addicts man terrible story it's a little like it's gross i mean i thought you were gonna tell this i thought this story was gonna have a happy ending where like he held the bottle underneath while you're peeing and it's like when there was only one set of footprints yeah and i thought there was only two ants on the 40 you gotta be careful pissing into a 40 right i mean that's the same color tiny little mouths well it's also the same color as a 40 yeah it was empty it was empty well not what if you pissed into it oh i feel you so you'd be So you'd be looking, you'd be like, if you're drinking a 40, your piss looks like a 40. There's no, you're right. You're right. Yeah.

Yeah. I, yes. I, and this is back now. They got the wide mouth on them cause they're plastic, but these are the old glass ones. So it was like, I feel like you're emphasizing the size of the opening too much. We don't care. It's all right. However, I think your penises is fine.

We just didn't, it didn't fit are. It didn't even fit, dude. You're married. You're married. It's fine. You took a saw and you sawed off the very top. I had to cut a hole in the side, dude. You don't have a daughter. It works.

You're enough. Yeah. I know I have a daughter. You're enough. Yeah. And I use my penis. All right. I didn't know the 40s were plastic now. yeah it's a week dude week i guess that's

something about the life i'm living these days and they sneak four extra ounces in there which i don't want i want a 40 i don't want to there's like 44 now yeah they're 44 and 42 they're like sneaking extra ounces in you know like i want a 40 that's too much well you remember the eight balls the 64 ounce yeah you remember the 64 ounce like apple jug ones no i wasn't drinking then well they were just a big gulp that filled with i've seen them in music videos it was a terminator one promotional apple jug of 40 are you was it just apple oh man yeah i was like six addicts amazing first pick just it's a clear front runner it's you know what i mean it's a it's a lebron james i went for fit over uh you know

overall talent because i just think it fits with my it's a heritage fit yeah it's for our people although dude they know how to look for us in the attic now do we have to like or is it like they know that we think it's obvious so then they don't right it's kind of a 3d jazz yeah yeah that's a good it's a good question but i've got to take it back for the old to the old school with well with the amount that jews is trending on twitter just the word jews i'm sure we'll find out how addicts work here pretty soon. Yeah, we'll know. Yeah. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick. Sort of the exact opposite. I'm going in plain sight.

Oh, that's the one. Yeah. That's the good one. I mean, it's just the flips it on its ear. No one's looking. You're right there. You're safe as could be. You know, whatever. Someone's looking for whatever for the drugs.

They're not going to be on the table or they're on the table you know i they'll find them there yeah they'll find them there yeah i this is more like a person but like you're just out there hiding in plain sight i love it and it's just fun to say it's a gangster thing to say find you it's a fun thing to say you think you're gonna find you it's a bad place to hide i think it's better than that it's better we're gonna play hide and seek we don't play hide and seek anywhere at the mall anywhere at target and you're just like sitting in the target cafe having a cheese pizza there he is all right it's just fun to say go throw a brick at a cop car and then just like sort of stand in the middle of a cul-de-sac and then just go go down the street and be like oh no they'll

never look here nah i'd be hiding if it was me i don't know if it's just standing still like you're hiding from a tyrannosaurus oh you mean like go about your business yeah yeah i think but like you said eating a pizza you're gonna get caught too yeah yeah would i be eating a pizza if i just stole all this stuff from contempo casuals no way i couldn't be there's oh i saw somebody steal from the lloyd center the other day i walked in the lloyd center it's like it's dead mall in portland i walk in i just want it to be alive still so i just go there sometimes and i was walking by forever 21 and this kid came out who just had the smile of somebody who was stealing i know that smile i've had that smile he didn't look like

nefarious or anything he just looked like a kid who went in there to maybe like steal some jeans for a girl he liked or something he was probably 16 and i see him and he just comes oh to wear for a girl he likes well i, I think Forever 21 is predominantly for girls, right? Oh, he stole... Did you used to do that? Did you used to do that? No, but you know, I could see that. His game didn't need the

infusion, you know what I mean? He already had it. He was wearing a vest. Sean, you've named so many types of kids. You're like, one of those kids that's stealing jeans for a girl he likes. This is another another type of kid that this must be a west coast thing because i've never met these kids no it's an at-risk youth thing i think it's a midwest thing the ghettos of sioux falls south dakota anyway that's right so this kid comes running out and i'm in my mind i was like that kid looks like he's stealing and then this dude this old probably 25

year old security guard comes running out screaming after this guy. And they were doing that run where you're like, if he catches that kid, it's going to be such a bummer. And the kid was running like, if I get caught, it's going to be such a bummer. So they just ping-ponged. And then I was like, no way. And I watched him go out the door. And the guy caught the kid and just threw him up against the door. And the kid, he ditched the jeans and then kept running and got away and the security guard was furious did he like duck out of it yeah he threw him up

against the i think david just did the matrix dodge in a bullet thing absolutely david went full bullet time i think the security guard thought that the wall was gonna do the job and then the kid obviously had the adrenaline of somebody who didn't want to get caught. So he just kept going out the door. And the guy was so mad. The wall didn't know it had been deputized into law enforcement. Yeah, it was just still the wall at the Lloyd Center. And then it was just a little slice of buckness.

It was like five or six seconds. And I was just like, whoa, that'll wake you up. A little slice of buckness dude not a bad turn of phrase there yeah it was it was intense and then i just walked through the mall like all right it's you feel the city a little bit sometimes david and i've talked about that like you ride the bus and you're like okay i'm still in the city you feel the city sometimes hiding in plain sight that kid was that kid was trying his best to hide in plain sight up early smoking ribs smoking ribs deputizing walls get up go in the attic smoke a rib and feel the city hiding in plain sight it's a fun turn of phrase it's fun to say but it's

usually exercised when it's like he was hiding in plain sight yeah we didn't know our neighbor killed all those people that's what i feel like whitey bulger did and that was good for like three decades like a jeffrey dahmer or somebody like hiding in plain sight kind of like that person who like there's all these murders happening you would never expect it's the guy that's at work with you you know i was looking for him well but it's that same kind of thing like he's not yeah whitey they were looking for him i guess it's a question of how intense the search is. I'm just thinking of like rap songs. I'm hiding in a rap song.

Because Whitey wasn't really hiding in plain sight. Like he was hiding in Santa Monica. They were looking for him in Boston. My keys are usually hiding in plain sight. They'll extradite you from Santa Monica to Boston. They don't give a shit. I don't believe that's true. I don't don't give a shit i don't believe that's true i don't believe that's true i don't believe that's true because i'm not a tradition city

if you were smart and bought real estate in santa monica early on then whitey bulger was hiding in plain sight for you you know because you're smart and you got real estate over there what's important is your money uh whitey bulger wanted to live beside the ocean leave them all behind swim out past the breakers and watch the world die. Yeah. Thank you for not leaving me alone on this full, ever-clear chorus. Never.

It takes Art Alex Akavas to get through that one. He's a Portland boy. Ian knows all about him. Fuckin' A. He really is. Fuckin' A. Goes west hills. That's the Portland, it takes a village. Yeah. It takes Art Alex all about him. Fucking A. He really is. Fucking A. Goes west hills. That's the Portland, it takes a village.

Yeah. It takes Alex, all of us. Alex, all of us. David, time for your first pick. I'm taking the classic go-to weed spot. I'm taking Under the Mattress. Okay, man. Yeah.

Good pick. It was, yeah, when I first started doing it, I thought that that was like I thought I invented it like it seemed so genius the one place no one's ever gonna go and then you watch one mob movie where the cop raids somewhere

oh everybody has always done this you just like ripped you like lawsuit you like file a lawsuit cause like it's my fucker I came up with that yeah the least original place to hide a quarter of swag yeah because i was smoking stress weed back in the day yeah under the mattress classic i think everybody stashed something under there weed right porn porn yep yeah porn a pistol some cash yeah one p one p to see if you're really a princess yeah yeah you are.

I may have told you guys this, but I had a waterbed. So the waterbed version of a mattress is just like under the water. But I used to pick my nose and wipe them all in there. And then one time we had to clean. We had to empty the waterbed and clean the mattress. My mom went to pull it up and it just went like, it just sounded like it was stuck. Like Velcro sounds. And there there were probably in my mind they're probably like 200 boogers and she's like

what are these i i had all the boogers i never thought of substance yeah no they look like boogers they didn't look like jizz like you're talking god what a weird kid you were just no vest under the shirt laying on the waterbed no no shirt under the vest yeah yeah yeah no shirt under the vest on the waterbed thank god for it though the mattress that is funny there's the mattress of a waterbed is just the water did you like it or did you even know that it was like kinda i didn't know it was so weird do people still do water beds i don't think so they gotta come back now right probably gen z gen z sleeping on a water bed

tiktok trends you guys ever been in a water bed anyone in this call i've been on one i haven't slept in one but i've been on one they're not comfy you know that's what i mean yeah they're like novel but they're not comfy it's it's like the opposite of a Tempur-Pedic mattress, where like this mattress remembers you, and a waterbed is like the ocean forgets. You leave no marks, sonny. You could still get a waterbed. They still got them.

Expensive. Yeah, they're not. Well, if Dan ever comes to her senses and, you know, leaves me behind, I will be getting a waterbed. Waterbed, leather couch, eight-disc CD changer, condo. A projector instead of a TV, but you're going to brag about it? Oh, yeah. Expensive, poorly maintained saltwater fish tank.

My mom dated a guy that had a projector instead of a TV, and he tried to act like it was dope. And I'm like, just get a TV. That's pretty cool. That was pretty cool. How much of our idea of luxury was just based on what a drug dealer in the 80s thought was cool?

All of it. All of it. Python, Ferraris, rolling a blazer. Cocaine off of samurai swords. Killing someone with a chainsaw in a shower. All that cool stuff.

That is a smart place. If we were ranking places to kill someone with a chainsaw, if we were drafting, shower would go pretty high. Shower's way up there. Number one. Or in plain sight, dude.

Those are the terrible ways for that. Then you can hide. Then you can hide right there. Hiding in plain sight. Just kill him and then you hide right where you killed him and no one's ever going to find you. Nobody would expect the guy holding the bloody chainsaw. Too obvious.

It's never the guy holding the chainsaw. It's way too obvious. Right. It's like the first act of Law and Order. You're like, nah, we think it's that guy, but it's not that guy. That guy has an alibi. That guy must be a zombie. Yeah, he says it's cool cool he's a zombie time for my first pick yeah yeah yeah i'm going to take uh in a in a in a small room behind a bookcase

with a bust on it that isn't actually a bust uh-huh instead it's a lever that opens the bookcase with a bust on it that isn't actually a bust. Instead, it's a lever that opens the bookcase. See the bookcase? Yeah. You break into my house because I have stolen a small burlap sack of your precious gems. All right? Let me just set the scene for you. I'm at the top of the staircase.

You're at the door. And you say, I knew I'd find you eventually, Ian. And I'd be like, you only think you found me and your gems. And then I run into a room. You see the door close. You run up the stairs behind me. You sprint towards the door. You throw it open.

It's just a study. There's books. There's rich leather overstuffed chairs. There's a glass of port. But there's books there's rich leather overstuffed chairs there's a glass of port but there's no me and there's no gems is there like a smoking cigar or something there's no smoking cigar but there's a smoking but there there is a bust of wolfgang amadeus mozart yeah all right that's beautiful if you pull it down you will find me behind that bookcase but if you don't i'm fucking good now i'm now i'm curious about all your bookcases what are you

i know i want to go pull all those books we got it yeah next time you're with us you're like shaking the plant yeah don't worry about me where's where are the gems carmel and dana's like what's going on i thought you guys were friends. And I go, we were. I'm always stealing gems. How do you think I afford all these ribs? There was a bar in Portland that you pulled a book and it turned into, it was like a shelf that moved and then there was another bar behind it.

It was kind of cool. Oh, like a speakeasy? The bus. Just to be clear, this is a bus. There's the place in Boston. You should go when you're in town the bodega storefront is there oh yeah the snapple machine and then that's where the store is it's like an actual it looks like just a corner store and then you open up the snapple machine you go into it's like cool clothes that's right

we should check that out oh yeah yeah where's the snapple though that's i think you get it from the regular cooler okay i came back i wanted a fucking snapple you got these new balances the last snapple vending machine repairman died in 1998 yeah that's the thing i know i know how to get like like dunks and like a para vest but like yeah i don't even know where to get snapple if it were a fruitopia machine you'd be like oh i've struck 90s gold yeah i just want a mango madness let me in here i want to lie to myself about how healthy this is now you're when you pull the bust and you go behind the bookshelf i heard you say earlier it doesn't go to like catacombs or anything it's just like uh kind of a nook for you oh well it's just there's a small room and there's also an exit. Okay. There's enough to

you can hang there for a while. I can get out. There's a window, but it's high. It's like two feet. No, no. It's dug into the ground where it is improved at first, but then sort of an unfinished basement vibe. Okay. I like it. And you've been meaning to finish it.

I mean it. We hardly ever use this room. We almost never use it, and I'm so busy stealing gems. And it's like we hardly ever use this room we almost never use it and i'm so busy stealing gems and it's like do we really care no we're not we don't have company in the bookcase bar stools that you would have at the counter from before you got married if you can give me a solid if you can justify spending money on it then i'll then i'll finish it but if you can't justify it then we'll just leave it how it is for now because it's fine this is on my big board as well and but i was thinking in new york you just i because i've lived here long enough that i'm just like i just need that as like a like a guest room like we just don't have the square footage here

hey uh just pull down on that bookcase just right if there's towels in there and everything uh you know cups are in the place where cups are mom we'll stay in the bookcase room you you take the bed you know from the zillow listing i would have thought it was going to be a full finished room but no huh it's just the no it's just yeah it's like an airbnb where you're like they're like okay so you pull down the bus to fucking i'm days mozart and like don't tell anyone that you're staying here because they don't play we're not supposed to airbnb this secret room just say you're my cousin you're staying at my cousin we say you're my cousin. You're staying at the house. Say you're my cousin.

We, so you, you, you get wise. You're like book, book, book. He doesn't even like classical music. And you pull down on the bus to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The bookcase opens. You give chase. You give chase. You, you run through the, the room, the unfinished basement sort of vibe.

And you come out of the foundation of the house into a clearing. You see me. It's misty. It's kind of foggy. I'm holding your gems aloft. You're like, Carmel, stop right there. The jig is up. And I say, the jig has only begun.

And I run. And you give chase. You lose me in the mist. Oh, we're going to pick number two, aren in the mist oh we're going to pick number two aren't we and we're gonna pick number two and you walk up and and and there's i did not shine you got on so much faster than i did i was yeah it seems like there's a there's a bog there's like there's a bog there right it's wet it's kind of a swamp it's sort of pondy bog it's more of a pond than a bog if we're being honest there's reeds there's lily pad but there's no ian carmelo and there's no gems where am i safely underneath the water breathing through

a reed uh-huh wait oh yeah oh yeah what's the pick underwater yeah underwater underwater attached to a reed but able to breathe but able to breathe breathing through a reed underwater breathing through a reed what a snorkel i love that david so wait what's the pick underwater i can't i can't gloss over you mentioning pondy boggs who was married to wade boggs for a while before yeah chicken again wade every. We can't mix it up. On the bugs. Yeah, I'm underwater. I'm breathing through a reed. I love it.

You can't find me. Yeah? No. I would never think. There's no air bubbles. I thought that was a reed. There's no bubbles. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no bubbles. I thought it was a man. I thought it was a reed over there. It's just one patient man and one burlap sack of jewels. Gems, it's a good value on theft yeah easy to transport they're small easy to transport where do you turn over a gem i don't what would i would you even do pawn shop for you for real if you don't know real if you don't know any of you had a bag of gems what would you do with You can't just take it to the bank. I'd call Sandler.

That's the first call out. Then you brag about the gems you stole. I would go down to the diamond district and I'd find a shadowy guy. Just smoking ribs. Well, there you go. You'd find Fabian. I'd find Fabian. You can move gems.

Alright. I wouldn't even know what to do. Where would I go in Portland? I go to one of those ring stores with bars on the gate downtown. I just feel like you're not cut out for it. I don't feel like I'm cut out for it either. He's not for the gems. He's not for the gems.

Hey man, life is realizations and that's one I just had. That's one of them right there. We're about to realize this. David's second pick. I feel like all my picks Life is realizations, and that's one I just had. That's one of them right there. We're about to realize this. David's second pick. I feel like all my picks are places I've stashed either weed or money. That's all right. Yeah, that's fine. That's the theme.

That's the only things in my life I need to hide. I just hope you never stashed weed in a swamp with a snorkel. Well, that was going to be my second pick. I'm kind of pissed about that. with historical well that was gonna be my second pick i'm gonna piss about that i feel like i got nothing to hide but weed and money is like a great song lyric to build if you're willing to build a song from something i'm taking i gotta take it true to me though i used to do this a lot more like when i would be like out on my i was a very independent shot it doesn't matter i'm taking in my sock i used to always have shit stashed in my sock house key money illicit drugs a pocket knife

for a while but that didn't catch on a pondy box rookie card a pondy box rookie card yeah a pocket knife for a while but it didn't catch on what do you mean i was like what do you mean you didn't turn into the knife guy like you thought you were gonna no david i had a butterfly knife i had a switchblade yeah i had a knife face yeah i never in your side i didn't i didn't carry him oh yeah i the butter the switchblade was in my back in my backpack sometimes i would have the switchblade in my backpack you're a switchblade in your backpack? Had one. Stole it from my stepdad. So you took off your shirt, put on your vest,

put on your backpack, put the butterfly knife in your backpack. Did the butterfly. Yeah, got off the waterbed and went to school. I'll try to get off the waterbed without popping it. All these knives everywhere.

My butterfly knife popped the waterbed without popping it. All these knives everywhere. My butterfly knife popped my waterbed. That's another good name for a song right there. Pop my waterbed? My butterfly knife popped my waterbed. I got nothing to hide but weed and money. Dude, we're right. This is an album. We're going to have a country album by the end of this podcast.

Tony Morrison's My Butterfly Knife Popped My Waterbed. the end of this podcast tony morrison's my butterfly knife popped my water bed oh man yeah sock man it's it's the utility people still do it yeah oh yeah you ever feel bad about pulling cash out of your sock like you don't do that in front of someone right you go around the corner yeah no because i because for me it was always like i don't want them to know it's in my sock oh yeah right like you don't need to know where the wad is there was a brief stint when we were going skating when we were still kids and we'd go to like san diego we used to go to san diego once a year and we would put our money in our sock and i haven't done it really as a grown-up but for a while I was like, no one, no one will

check my sock if they, if they mugged me in downtown San Diego. So we'd put it. Yeah. That's like, there's, um, I think it's, this is a, I don't think anyone will take this pick, but it's like wallet in the shoe at the beach as famously explored by Jerry. Where he says no one will check the toe. And that's the same vibe. I have a tough

time doing that man i it was tough every time we'd go to the ocean a handful of times i'd just be staring at our shit the whole time and also you're like what am i going to come bounding out of the ocean like a moose if somebody does decide to steal it i'm not gonna be able to catch him at the ocean i leave my car i leave my wallet in the car. That's smart. Yeah. Because I feel like you could go to the beach one day, clean out, what, 50 shoes? Totally. You could have like 80 bucks by the end of the day. How do you even get the down payment for that house? Like 80 bucks.

He calls it toe snatching. Toe snatching, dude. Toe snatching. You're the seaside bandit, Carmel. Toe snatching., dude. Toe-snatching. Yeah, the seaside bandit Carmel. Toe-snatching. The house that New Balance built, baby. We're here. I used to put it in the toe of my Tevas, and I got robbed every time.

Shit, why does it get... In the sock, dude. Fantastic. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. In plain sight is off the board. Yeah, I'm going real classic here. Real classic. The Bushes. Damn! I thought I was going to be able

to get that late. I mean, I get we're all fun and creative. You and your apartment kids, that's where that comes from. Yeah, dude. We had at McKennan Park, we had a spot called the bushes where we would go hang out we hauled out like the inside of some bushes and made like a little clubhouse and i

didn't i'd had nothing to do with making it but the older kids did and then we inherited it but like you know or just like keep it into their 30s yeah we i mean i remember one time we were going back to the crib and a cop a cop longer story but anyway, a cop came up and I was the only one. It was me and some other kids who were 20. I was 21. This cop came up and I was like, you guys scatter. I'll talk to the cop. One of our friends ran and threw the pipe into the bushes.

They just couldn't find it. I was like, you dummies. I saw him do it. Go look in the bushes. It's right there. Yeah, man, the bushes. They just, they always work. It's always.

And there's, like, you know, outside. That's a good place to stash some shit. If you, like, you know, some. I just sound like such a scumbag when we're talking about this stuff. Like, if you have some stuff that you're not supposed to have or whatever. Like, my parents, sometimes I had i had like a jersey that i they didn't that i couldn't really justify having so like you put it in the in the bushes or whatever like stuff i wanted to wear to school sometimes that my mom wouldn't let me wear it's good because

also nobody's ever randomly looking in the bushes that's why it works so well yeah it's like you're the only one in the bushes unless you you got raccoon enemies. Yes. Which I do. Of which I have been. Yeah. I don't have any raccoon friends. Can you see stuff through the bushes? How thick are these bushes?

They're pretty thick. I wouldn't put it in a thin bush. Well, I'm from Washington State, so it's like those thick fir bushes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know those bushes. Yeah. Yeah. We would.

Or like, you know, if no one's looking for this thing you're hiding, because a lot of things I used to hide, I think, were things I probably didn't need to hide that I just thought were people were looking for and they weren't like jerseys. I used to have a bunch of jerseys that I couldn't that my mom knows I didn't buy because I didn't have a I was a kid, you know, to how am I gonna tell her I got this jersey she's only gonna believe so many times that someone gave me a brand new Grand Hill jersey at school so like I would yeah I'd hide him and she probably wasn't looking for him I don't know I like that because you've got a bush you're painting a picture of a bush that's like a bunch of squirrels retired the numbers of some of the greats

but it's not the greats. It's like Alonzo Mourning got retired back there. He's a great. He's a great. Family of squirrels living in that Muggsy Bogues jersey. It's like the NBA just decided to retire

every Hornets player that had a jersey available in Sioux Falls. Sedale 3, a favorite of the chipmunks of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Not only are we going to retire one Larry Johnson jersey,

we're going to retire every color of johnson jersey we're going to retire every color of larry johnson jersey and then it's ever been released is that skunk wearing an anthony peeler jersey what's yes that skunk knows where the bushes are olden polonese a favorite of woodland critters everywhere olden polonese Polonese does sound like a neighborhood near Redwall. The badges of Olden Polonese will lend you their axe.

The Bushes. Josh Gondelman, time for your second and your third picks. Oh, this is good. Okay, so my first one, I went for Necessity Add This one, this is a pick for luxury. Cayman Islands. This is when you're hiding, but you're balling. The islands came in my friend. The IC.

Where are they? That's part of why it's a good hiding place caribbean right right exactly are they not in the caribbean i think i don't know stop asking questions yeah i'm looking it up you're looking up and then we're gonna go hunt down army hammer yeah david you're gonna get flagged they don't know what I'm doing. I'm spelling it wrong on purpose. Oh, that's good. Let me give it a shot. C-A-M-A-N?

I think it's a Y. C-A-Y-M-A-N. It's a Y in there. Yes. Okay. I spelled hollandaise right last night. You spelled hollandaise right? Yeah, I asked Laura how to spell hollandaise,

and she told me, and I turned my phone. I go, look, I typed it. I typed it right. I typed it, and then I asked her how to spell it, and then proved she told me and i turned my phone i go look i typed it i typed it right just so you like i typed it and then i asked her how to spell it and then proved her that i spelled it right very life sounds so fun yeah i seriously felt like a four-year-old how do you spell it and i'm like i already did it just just making sure you knew how boom they are in the caribbean just dropping hints when was the last time you had eggs benedict because i can have it anytime i want i could have it i could certainly write

it down and order it with extra like yeah i like you at a diner ordering like you're robbing a bank just writing it down on the slip pushing it across hollandaise i would have a tough time spelling benedict i think go on try it i'd want to capitalize it you got it you can it's a name b-e-n-e-d-i-c-t i think that's it b-e-n-e-d-i-c-t you got it and eggs of course e-y-g-e-y-g-g-e-s e-y-g-g-e-s eggs good thing about the cayman islands is you don't even have to be in the cayman islands to be using them for hiding you can put your money there yeah you can stash money there yeah this is kind of a double dip i like that i like that a lot army hammer is hiding in the

cayman islands right it's true they broke shout out to muna meyer former desus and mero producer who tweeted about it because i think friends of theirs saw him like he's doing like timeshare sales or something did he did army hammer do something bad he did something bad right oh yeah he assaulted he like assaulted a woman oh allegedly i'm just saying it's weird and the allegations got weird yeah and they're weird enough that they like cut him out of a bunch of stuff he was supposed to be in. And he fled the country, which like not to sound like a cop, but that is not innocent guy behavior. No, no.

No, it is not. No, no. When you leave show business to live on an island. Just if somebody wants to be a cannibal, all of a sudden, like we have to cancel. Cannibal culture has run amok come on i love their first album not a fan anymore no no no cannibal culture yeah yeah they were good once boy george left cannibal culture sounds like a band with like a logo you can't read and you just have to take a

metalhead's word for it yeah i'll tell you what you can't read it but you can draw it on a notebook yes sir yeah you got six hours cannibal culture uh the cayman islands probably some good golfing on the cayman islands i imagine too there has to be right be sure when you when you go to the beach at the cayman islands you don't put your wallet in the toe of your shoe. You just fully stash it in a bank account. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody comes to you with a bank account, sir. Yeah, and that's how you pay.

I bet you can get some pretty good club sandwiches at a yacht club in the Cayman Islands. I just feel like that's a club sandwich culture. For days. Yeah, I agree. I bet those toothpicks, the frill on that gold leaf oh yeah absolutely yeah yeah you save them you save them by a house yeah you tip the staff with keep the pick poker gym style keep the pick keep the pick oh that's a rich guy thing to say mahogany and filigree you flick the jerks like flicking at

the valet yeah they're just so happy thank you sir uh josh connell one time for your third pick all right i've gone this is i went big picture i'm going small picture hollowed out bible oh that was my next that was the next thing i was gonna say yeah oh man just like shawshank i never even seen one in real life but it seems cool i got have you i got someone someone i used to date as a gift uh a book with the pages hollowed out and a flask inside um they don't drink anymore but it's a fun gift while it lasts yeah plus you can throw the flask away and put like something else in there yeah candy sean it would be very funny if you had a bookcase that was only hollowed out books there's no there's no full book can you read any of these uh you can read a fraction of that to a degree not gonna make any sense but you can there's words on some of the pages yeah

it's so good because who's reading a bible you know not me and who's reading someone else's bible who's reading someone else's but uh hold on Before I continue this search, let me first reflect on the words of Ezekiel. Right. Like, even if someone is like at your house looking at your bookshelf, they're not like, oh, I've heard this is good. Can I borrow this one? Yeah. Is this that George Saunders book about writing? Oh, God damn it.

It's a gun. Right. That's going to happen so often. You know, I've never read Gone Girl. I love the movie. This is full of doubloons. Now I'll never know how it ends. This is full of doubloons.

This book is so heavy with information. Oh, it's gold. 392 lists to blow your mind. The Great American Toilet Book. I feel like that is the worst place. You're like, yeah, I hid my valuables in a haul it out book, left it on the toilet tank. I was robbed the next time I had company. That's hiding in plain sight.

I was robbed the next time I had company. That's hiding in plain sight. That's how you know people are on their phones too much. They don't even check the books on the toilet tank for jabs. What happened to shitter books? All the ways to get us off the road are disappearing. There aren't as many TV shows. You can't write a shitter book anymore. They it to die out you can't write it you can't i've never heard it called a shitter book

my grandfather alvin readers digest made six million dollars on shitter books of the philadelphia reader's digest to the cayman islands not the same people as the magazine by the way no different guy they gave it to a lot of people on dallas island sean jordan time for your third pick man that really that really threw me um on the fly here i'm gonna say ziploc baggie in the tank of the toilet someone used to sell drugs i don't know why i did that accent i've never done it yeah it works i don't think a lot of people are checking there but who's to say he's checking there that's a deep search yeah if you go to a stranger's house and you check their toilet tank

you're looking for drugs yes you got right you're in their bathroom trying to find all their drugs oh man i'm glad that worked good yeah i seriously i we probably all were but i was going to pick that josh so have you have you ever hidden something in a ziploc bag in the tank of a toilet seen it never done it what were they hiding it just weed just waiting okay yeah just weed weed in the you know back when like weed was a huge deal in south dakota 20 years ago like it was a big deal and it's another it goes to another thing where it's like, you probably didn't need to hide it that hard.

I never lived anywhere where the cops just came in with a battering ram or anything. Wait, you didn't live in the last act of Goodfellas? No. Or the first act of Straight Outta Compton? No, I was never. No, didn't. I thought I did. I sure thought I did.

But no, I never did. Why did you do that, Karen? Yeah. Oh, God. You don't flush the drugs. Why did you do that, Kirschman? You put it in the bag. Yeah.

No, I just, you know, it was one of the, you know that stuff, that unnecessary stuff. Like we used to use code sometimes. We'd be like, I just got a bunch of Christmas trees. And it's like, so if, let's say in this world you're living in your phone is tapped by the cops they know what christmas trees are they know what you're talking about trees is common marijuana yeah yeah trying or or like a snowman emoji yeah dude there's no there's no you know hey i just got a bunch of documents at the house if you want to come choose the ones you want like okay so so drugs then now with this ziploc bag thing let's say you made a beautiful clam linguine right and you ate half of

it and you're like oh i'm full oh i couldn't eat another bite oh i'm stuffed i i definitely want some later do you then have to go to the but you're like you open the drawer no ziploc bags do you then have to go to the toilet and be like somebody smoke all this weed because i'm hanging on to this linguine i just throw the weed in the toilet i make i make my decision i know what i want more yeah my roommate's weed or my clam linguine that's my man right there it's called the jailhouse linguine you boil it in the toilet tank dude have you ever heard more about uh what uhailhouse Burrito? No. You take the bag of Doritos, crush them up,

and then put all the stuff from the commissary in there, and then pickle juice to solidify it. Oh, and press it down? Stick it under the mattress. With like Fritos, right? Yeah, and then the next day you unroll it, and it's like a churro, kind of. Like a pickle juice Dorito.

Did you tell your wife about that? No. Dude, he said lore about, not like Laura. I was like, what? That sounds like... I've never done it. I just know how to do it. Laura told me about this in between pull-up sets.

She was doing a bunch of burpees in the closet. And you wrote down Jailhouse Maria to show you can spell it. Laura put down a pocket copy of the Quran and looked me in the eye. We have someone that guards our front door that gave her a copy of It's Dark and Hell is Hot. And she was doing burpees in the closet.

Do rich people do burpees? Yes. No. Rich football players. Like personal trainers. It's rich people and poor people and middle class people don't. There's certain tax brackets where legally you can't even do a burpee.

You can't do it. You're not allowed to do a burpee. Oh, man. If I came out and Laura was doing like a heavy burpee regimen someday i'd be so scared trash bag full of water yeah just holding two gallons of milk those are for our daughter and she's like they're for my workout first either for protecting our daughter yeah taking slugs off them between a. I lived until the milk was gone. I had a buddy one time who went,

he goes, when you're in jail, he's like, you just do sit-ups until you can't do another sit-up, do push-ups until you can't move your arms, and then do sit-ups again until you can't, and then push-ups again until you can't, and then just go to bed.

Right. He said that's like what he did every night before he went to bed. David, time for your third pick that's no fun uh my third pick is gonna be so in the trunk but you pull the thing up and inside the like behind the spare tire oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's all weed it's all weed this is all my whole list it's all just places I put pot.

I'm not a weed. Yeah. I just changed my tire the other day, and I felt way too dope about it. What do you mean? Like, it's pretty easy. I changed my tire. Did you do it by yourself? I did it flat.

Yeah. I just did it, and I talked about it for like a week. It feels good to spare. I'm impressed. It feels good to change your tire. How long are you going to ride around on that donut for? Are you still on it, or do you switch yet? So I one time rode on a donut

until it went flat. I remember telling Laura's dad and he's like, the look on his face. So it was 60 miles? No, I drove to Minneapolis on it. You can go hundreds. Oh yeah, I went to Minneapolis a few times. I told Laura's dad and the look on his face, he's like, I didn't know donuts went flat. And I go,

one does for sure. I can't. I know one does for sure i don't i can't i know one does but yeah no i got a new tire at les schwab the other day i got a new i got a new tire money to pay it's just my friend you went to the in french ported imported is this less wow you know what i mean like you can tell sometimes you weren't born in oregon all right it's just less schwab you got one of those automotive you want you got one of those automotive cronuts on your car uh in the wheel well yeah no not but no not in the spare time yeah i sometimes i find stuff in there i found like a

like a a ping pong ball from chelsea lately and i'm like i need to clean my car more fun though that's cool yeah it's cool yeah there's it's a good place to put stuff it is it's tough hide there without you even knowing it sometimes. Yeah, if you want to put some pot in your Chevy Lumina. Time for my third pick. With my third pick, you've run past the swamp, the pond, and you hear some sloshing. And I'm behind you, wet, but with your bag of jewels. And you say, you dastard. And I say, a dastard I am am but what i am not is yet caught and then i run again and you start chasing me and and and and i run into an

art a nearby art gallery and the wet footsteps they they they slowly disappear and then they dried out and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a hall of paintings, the portrait gallery. And you don't see me, but you do feel like you're being watched. Uh-huh. This is great. And while you can't see it, the camera zooms in on the eyes of King Philip of Spain. Famously green, but these are brown because they're Ian Fermel's eyes.

Are they moving back and forth a little bit? Oh yeah, they're moving back and forth. Oh yeah, they are. Absolutely. Taking in the whole room. Taking in the whole thing. I'm hiding behind a painting with the eyes. That's so good. That is perfect. You can't see me. I'm'm back there you don't know where

i am that is fantastic i got your gems you're still holding them by the way oh yeah i got your gems uh those are my gems if i if i got them for two more picks those are my gems all right i'm being vocal we all stop trying to pick and we just start trying to catch ian with our picks yeah i'm gonna start trying to guess your hiding spaces so I can officially catch you. A bolo gun. Ah, no, no. That was a false leg. Still running.

That was my third pick. And I will get to my fourth pick right after another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35,

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You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code allfantasy at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code allfantasy. And we're back to an All Fantasy Everything already in progress. We are drafting Hiding Places. And what we're going to do now is, because I am cooking ribs, literally, and not figuratively, smoking ribs, we're going to lightning round-ish

the last two rounds here. We're having a great time. It's time for my fourth pick. You punch through the portrait. We find the one with you in it. You find the one with me in it. And you grab me by the lapels of my shirt and you've got me and you pull me out.

I pictured you with no shirt on okay i'm wearing a shirt that's a you thing and you you grab me you don't see the gems though. You pat me down. Still no gems. Where are the gems? I'm not saying anything. You notice nothing but a bead of sweat on my forehead. And that's because I have shoved the gems up my ass. Yeah. That was my last pick.

That was for sure my last pick. I thought I could get Boofin for sure. I wrote down Boofin. Prison pocket. That's the third breaking movie. Boofin. Prison Pocket. That's the third break in movie. Boofin makes me feel bad. I have your gems. They're in my butt.

But you don't know that. You don't know that. That's my fourth pick. Up my ass. Great place to hide. Thanks. David Bory, time for your fourth pick. This one has actually happened to me a few times when cops were coming into the apartment

under the trash bag liner. Oh. So like pull it back and put it under there. That's pretty intense. It's like don't look through your shit. They never, it's never going to happen. That's smart. So like under the bag.

Yeah, under the bag. Yeah. So it's like on the ground of the trash can. Yeah. Gross, but effective, man. Yeah. And you bag. So it's like on the ground or the trash can. Yeah, that would have been. Gross, but effective, man. Yeah. And you've done that when cops were coming? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, brilliant. A few times. I would not have the presence of mind. I would like throw it in a corner and throw a t-shirt over it. I think that would probably work just as well. One's a better story. They're both pretty good stories, actually. Cops can't look under your t-shirt a lot of people don't know

they gotta have a warrant Sean Jordan time for your fourth pick this is specific to jerseys because I've been talking about them this is how you if you want to steal a jersey

this is an NBA jersey. You put the, so the numbers would go on the inside of the crotch of your pants. And then the straps around your shoulders would go down your right leg. And then the waist part would go down your left leg. So you just hang the jersey sort of like on the crotch of the inside of your pants. That's how I did all of them. So when Josh suggested hiding places, you were like,

I thought we were doing this tomorrow, by the way. For a jersey. Oh, okay. For a jersey. That's one of them. Very specific one,

but it just, it's hit me because I did do it and we're lightning round, so I don't have to explain it too much. All right. Fine. Fine. Fine. But that was how I did.

That was how the Jersey capers of uh 94 95 and 96 went down kevin smith presents the jersey capers in your pants big shorts productions you heard for a jersey uh josh time for your fourth and then your final picks my fourth pick god you taking Booft off the board really really threw me yeah that was a big one I'm gonna go buried underground in a place you can only find with a treasure map

oh yeah love it love it classic it's worked for centuries. I don't see a reason to if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Hopefully there's a rock formation that looks a little bit like a skull. Yeah. Yeah.

A gnarled tree. Yeah. You Google where is quicksand and you find some place near that. Not exactly there, but near there close by yeah in case people try to mess with your your digging spot I'd like to find some quick quicksand a major

put your digging spot digging spot who's been messing with my digging spot I love with her because I like your digging spot that made my butt gross I would eat at a place called the digging spot though

yeah oh yeah they would have they would have such good clams and not even so good it wouldn't even be a store

it would be like a facade like on a movie set and they would just stand behind it and hand you bags of clams yeah where'd you get these no none of your business

digging spot digging spot it's little mini shovels instead of spoons and you just shovel mac and cheese on that's fine digging spot yeah and now it's a birthday time for your final pick final pick okay this is specific sounded like you're gonna break up with us you ever have that breakup three hours into a conversation where you're like oh by the way why i invited you here yeah yeah but also let's finish a goofy movie you can stay to the end um inside the i think this is the best

okay oh you know what this is this is a day to day I was gonna go I'll tell you after but this is this is a day to day hiding place that you can use if you have a child or a dog behind your back oh yeah oh

some would say in plain sight almost it's one step removed it's like the midpoint if you average out plain sight. It's almost. It's one step removed. It's like the midpoint. If you average out plain sight and boofing, you get behind your back. The amount of times I will take something from Max and just put it behind my back. And I'm like, where's your unicorn? And she's like, I'll be holding the remote behind my back. That's perfect.

Object permanence. Ain't it a bitch? Yeah. Not everybody has it. And you can exploit that for your own personal gain. Some can't learn. Excellent pick. That's wild.

I still don't. That's it behind your back. Sean Jordan, where's the last place you'd hide a jersey? In plain sight, man. I took it first. Moveable ceiling tiles in like a bathroom where you stand on the toilet and move a ceiling tile that's good that's where you hide your shit at work yeah i've had weed a lot of quick story this kid movable seal 10 seconds this kid in elementary

school crawled up into the ceiling in the bathroom and I went and told our teacher I go, Andy's in the ceiling and he goes, what? We come in the bathroom. He was like, yep, I snitched. He comes in. He goes, Andy, are you in the ceiling? And Andy pokes his head out. He goes, yeah. And he goes, get down. You can just see him being like, I'm a

teacher. I went to college. Anyway, yeah, in the ceiling. Hilarious. It's good. I like it. It's a good this. Anyway, yeah, in the ceiling. Hilarious. It's good. I like it. It's a good pick. David, time for your final pick. Ian, you might remember this one.

Sean didn't. I don't know if they issued him one. I don't think he was on the team long enough. The athletic locker. Yeah. They're not checking there. No one ever. That was like you had free reign in your athletic locker.

They are not looking. You could keep fucking. They're not sending the dogs in there. there they're not they didn't want you guys to get in trouble i could they didn't care if i got kicked off you have cocaine uranium the other team's mascot like yeah clear the other team's mascot it was like yeah it was a weird wild zone where just yet nobody they were like oh you play sports you're probably not hiding anything technically no laws applied there yeah no they sure didn't It was a weird wild zone where just yet nobody, they were like, oh, you play sports. You're probably not hiding anything. Technically, no laws applied there.

Yeah. No, they sure didn't. What I did end up hiding was a Papa Roach CD. And by hiding, I mean it was freely available to anyone who wanted to cut their life into pieces. Quick question. Was that the first place you thought to hide it or was it your last resort? Ladies and gentlemen. Somebody showed up.

Fantastic. You, at this point, have your hand in my ass. You're looking for your gems. I'm all the way up. It could be nowhere else. But where are the the gems but there's no gems up my ass we both stand up i dust myself off you apologize i say think nothing of it was merely a jape i never had your gems i never had them we shake hands after you wash them and we go our separate ways. And as I get into a car,

you think, did he have a slight limp going on here? And I get in the car and then you see me in the back of the car. I say, driver home. car i say driver home and then i pop off a false leg and pour out all of the diamonds that were in it uh-huh and i i i've i've i've belted my actual leg up behind my thigh and i have a fake leg on and this guy didn't notice or woman didn't notice when their hand was in your ass.

Ian's got a weird left butt cheek. It looks like a foot. Old Carmel Sose over here. I told them I've been doing deadlifts with Joel Kim Brewster. Oh, that's perfect. But only on one side.'s a false a false limb full of gems i was gonna do book as my last one and i had to call an audible

that's the final pick marissa do you have a place where you would hide yeah i want to show you one of my favorite places i have this like hair scrunchie and it has a secret pocket in a velcro pocket and you can just like hide whatever you want in there. So if you want some snacks for a live show. I never even heard of that. This is why health class needs to be more comprehensive across gender lines. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. I never knew that. We're all hiding stuff in our butts and you're like, we have a thing for that. Yeah. You can buy it on Etsy. I did have to read a book called The Secret Red Scrunchie in health class. The Red Scrunch of garbage.

To recap, Josh, you went first. You took Attics, the Cayman Islands, a hauling out Bible, buried underground in a place you can only find with a treasure map, and behind your back, Sean, you went second. You took in plain sight the bushes, Ziploc bag in the tank of a toilet, in your pants, as long as it's a jersey map and behind your back sean you went second you took in plain sight the bushes ziploc bag in the tank of a toilet in your pants as long as it's a jersey and a movable ceiling in the bathroom david you went third you took under the mattress in a sock behind the spare tire under the trash bag liner and the athletic locker i went last i took behind a book

case and a swamp with a snorkel behind a painting of my own ass and a hollow leg. We've lived different lives. Different lives! Those are four different stories right there. I want to shout out my friend Ellie in the early 2000s used to hide her Halloween candy in her computer. She'd open up her computer case and hide things in there and it blew my mind.

I wouldn't have never thought. Doesn't it get hot in there? From whom? Can't it melt the Tootsie Rolls? No, it seemed completely fine. I was very nervous inside a computer. All the dumb candy thieves like, no, they're not going to be in the computer. Even the smart candy thieves would think that.

Yeah, they would not look there. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter, allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the A-F-E Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the A-F-E Shaslackity, the A-F-E subreddit. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel.

Shout out to Super Producer Marissa on the ones and twos. Hiding stuff in her scrunchie, but that's none of your business. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

Chicago Kitty! That was a HeadGum Podcast.