All Fantasy Everything - Holes (w/ Blair Socci, Steph Tolev)

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

It was either this or crackers.Guests:Blair Socci (IG @blairsocci, X @blairsocci)Steph Tolev (IG @stephtolev)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of popular culture. I'm your host Ian Carmel. Our guests today are the stand-up comedians and just overall wonderful people, Steph Tolive and Blair Saki. And I'm joined as always by my dear friend, Sean Jordan. David Borey, somewhere in a dirigible, hovering over the Bolivian jungles, no doubt.

I think David's moving, in the process of moving right now, is that what's actually happening? Yeah. And it's that long, you know, that long process. I thought it would take like a couple days, but it takes months. I texted it would take like a couple days, but it takes months. I texted him yesterday after he didn't respond to a text,

like three days before, and I was like, do you still like me? And he was like, yes, I've been moving. And I was like, sorry, I'm needy. That's the craziest text to send somebody. Do you still like me? Isn't nuts. You can only send it to people

that you feel really close to, otherwise, no, yeah. I feel very close to David because he's the only voice I hear when I'm on the road on Comedy Central just playing in the background while I'm getting ready. I'm like, oh, David's here again. Yeah, absolutely. Naked, cutting my toenails,

listening to fucking David, just fucking voice. I listened to him recording him. When we were on the AFU road trip, we had to listen. I was in the room next door to David and I heard him recording his because he just brings a microphone with him. So I heard him doing his Comedy Central drop. So it was like time for a hot dog break. Time for a hot dog break.

Time for a hot dog break. You can hear it all. I mean, I was down the hall and it was it was plenty loud. It was tight. Uh, look at so look at how many emojis my mom puts in every text. I love that. My mom does that too. Paint a picture because it's an audio medium. It is. So my mom, there's three.

There's oh, this makes me look bad. There's seven broken heart emojis. There's a couple cry. Sorry, my grandma. I didn't realize this is the one I did. What did you do to her, Sean? I didn't realize this is the one I did. What did you do to her, Sean? I didn't realize this is the one I did. That's very sad.

What did you do to her, Sean? Normally, let's just say there's a lot of emojis. But if I don't get a text back like that, I killed my grandfather to answer your question. If I don't get a text back like that from like my friends, I get so in my head about it, because most people, they're just like, they're like, yeah, OK, or cool, or just a K. And I'm like, no, I need, I had to tell Laura, I was like, I need more than that.

I need some smiley faces every now and again. You know, you've known me long enough to know, cause sometimes I'll text, you know, I'll be at the gym or you know, at the gym dude. I'll be at the gym. I'll be at a different gym. Or sometimes at the gym dude. I'll be at the gym. I'll be at a different gym. Or sometimes at the gym dude. I got one foot in four gyms,

like the Four Corners of the States thing. Absolutely. I do my three bench reps at three different gyms and I sprint between them. But do I need to be more animated in my texting? I ask you sometimes. Sometimes I'll check in and be like, well, no, I don't know if I do, but no, you don't.

You, whatever, none of this. But anyway, I need more with techs. I'm with you, Blair. I'll work on it. No, you don't have to. I need to work on it. Cain does seem hateful though. Cain is rude and it's my favorite techs on planet.

Speaking of texting and gems, that's Blair and I's main source of texting. We go to the same gym together. And we have the most unhinged trainer on the planet that currently is releasing a new piece of merch every weekend. And the merch is just, just says, teachers will say, working. I'm like, you can't claim that that's your fucking merch.

So I'll take a photo every time I go, when is that in a Blair bag? New merch to drop. And it's so, it's so funny. It's like, get it. And I'm go, what is that in a blurb? And he'll be like, new words can drop and it's so funny. It's like, get it. And I'm like, these aren't your sayings, man. These are sayings. These are words that you're saying are your word.

It's so funny. It's crazy. There's an extraordinary thing that happens with trainers because they are some of the most motivated people on the planet, right? Because you have to be in the gym like that. They have like incredible drive, but not a lot of brain behind that drive.

Oh no, this, he is like, I don't know, whenever he's try slaying people, Blair, it's very hard. He's nice, he's very nice, he's very attractive, but he's just on another, like I was facing my sister and her baby's like eight months old, and he comes over, he's like, that baby's gonna roll, that baby's gonna get it. That baby's gonna get it.

And then an hour later, he's like, that baby's gonna remember that. I'm like, she can't speak. The baby's gonna remember that? Like he literally said, I remember when I was that age, I remember everything that happened to me. And I was like, what is happening right now? He's so, but listen, Blair gets trained by him all the time. Yeah, I do. I've been going twice a week for like almost... or two and a half years, but I do have a bit about him now in my set that like...

he found out I have a bit about him. My god, sorry. Is that him calling? It sounded like trainer music. Desha Raza, Gia Vonn, calling me right now. I'm like, yeah. Oh, she was on last week. We all said that. You call our guest next week. I loved it, bro. No, but every comedian in LA goes to this gym, like, and also, well, we shouldn't say what

gym it is, but Burr goes there sometimes, and he always goes, Mr. B, you see Blair? And I'm like, stop. No, he asked, I told him to stop. I said, Mr. B, out of here. And I go, I go, I go, I'm like, stop. No, he asked, I told him to stop. Last time it was Mr. B, out of here. And I go, I go, I go, I'm like, Mr. B hates that. Yeah, he hates that. He hates you screaming Mr. B at the top of his lungs. Yes.

He's like, you see him, Steph? I'm like, we just talked. Please stop screaming like a psycho. I, there's something kind of charming about somebody who is willing to be like, call Bill Burr, what's up, Mr. B? That's kind of fun to me. Yeah, at the top of his lungs.

They're just the kind of people who've been able to solve every problem in their life through a mix of charm and lats. So they like, why wouldn't they, why wouldn't they go through life like that? Every trainer has that exact same vibe. You'd never meet like a goth trainer who just got done watching a hundred cigarettes.

That doesn't exist. He yelled to the gym, Mr. B, did you see Blair's special? And I was like, I cannot tell you how much Bill Bird does not care about seeing my special. Bill Bird does, I need to show you, okay, where is this photo? I was walking, he lives right by the Laugh Factory. So I'm like, I was texting my boyfriend being like, oh, your uncle lives right by law.

And as I said, law, I hear, Sted T, And I look up and law is on his balcony, flexing. And I was like, what is? So I show him this photo and he's like, that's, so now everybody's like, Jimmy goes, you know, whoever, whatever woman he's training, he goes, yo Steph, show the photo, show the photo. And then I had to stand there, roll through my phone and go, this photo?

Like I deleted it because I can't do it anymore. It's so annoying. He's beyond and I almost slept with him and I'm quite glad. Is his name Law? Did I just get that? L-A-W, yes. Yeah, he made that up for himself. Oh yeah. No shit.

He was born, he was born by baby Law. It's not his real name. What's his real name? Michael. Oh, Michael. He'll probably listen to this because he listens now to all of Stephanie's projects. Oh yeah, so as you were both on it. Oh yeah, he loves it though. He loves what he's been doing.

What's up Michael? Whenever he's going to get with somebody, he's like, you ready to lay down the law? Something like that. Oh yeah. Okay, now that you guys know everything about our trainer. Yes. Rich, is he a good trainer? Yeah, I mean look, I'm jacked as hell.

So yeah, that's true. That's true. Did he tell you to dig? Does he say one more stuff like that? Like, does he get in there? Yeah. And every time I complain, he said, don't complain. You complain. I had a, I went to get a membership at 24, right when, right before COVID.

And the guy gave me the assessment or whatever. And then I was doing the, the doing the sit ups, I think. And I did, he's like, do as many as you can in a minute. And then it got done. He's like, oh bro, one more and you would have been average. And I was like, that's not a good thing. He said it like it was so exciting. And I'm like, you're good.

He was serious, but he was excited. He wasn't being a dick. It just, it was mean. But he didn. It just it was mean but never being dicks Yeah, yeah, you know they're just so positive They're like cuz I was below average and he's like bro one more and you're gonna be average at sit-ups That man who was almost average is Sean Jordan Sean Jordan on Twitter Sean Cougar melon Jordan on Instagram Sean fresh from the lakes of Michigan. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you hear the clarion call of the loon echoing through the pines?

Man. That was beautiful. It was a hex. I learn new words every time we talk. I'm a national best-selling author. It's not a big deal. There were hella loons. I was on a stand-up paddleboard

like eight feet from a loon in the water and I was like, look at us, we're the same. I heard you were on an improv paddle board, dude. I heard it was more of an improv sketch paddle board. It's a landlocked cabin and I just acted like I was on a paddle board for the whole family. I had him sit down, made him hot dogs. What's a loon?

Who a loon is? Blair, come on. Like a crazy person or is it like an animal in the lake? Oh, it's a bird, it's a bird. It's like a huge bird with a big red bloodshot eyes, but it's like huge, it's beautiful. They're actually quite big, yeah. They're gorgeous.

I love a large, statuesque bird in the wild. It's very large. It's a waterfowl as well, if that affects anything for you. Brother, I saw some... Dropped in the chat. Sandhill cranes, Blair. Those are big dinosaur looking birds. And apparently loons, they're like penguins

where they partner up with one person and they stay with that person. They have a couple, they have like two or three babies. It's very cute. And then they all, the family, so when you see a family going late together. Yeah, they get real, so when I was paddle boarding my fucking ass off right next to one,

they, the kids were over there. They had their kids and they get real, it's such a cute cry, they're like, woo woo woo, whatever. Yeah, woo woo woo. But it sounds. You'll be watching a movie set in a lake and that bird you hear is often a lion.

Yeah, yeah. Again, now you hear a crazy sound, it's like dead silent. Yeah. I'll tell you one thing, I love learning about new shit. So thank you all. You're welcome. It was tight, man. Sean, how was the light?

You saw a crane, you paddle boarded, you brought back facts to teach Blair. What lake was this? We were up at Osaba Lake in northern Michigan for 10 days. Wow, that sounds so nice. It was tight. It's, you know, far be it for me to complain, but anyone who goes on vacation with a kid is an absolute lunatic.

It is. A loon? It is a loon. Are they a loon? Yeah, they're a loon. It was fucking ridiculous. Other than that, it was very fun. I hope to be pregnant by next year.

Thank you. Yeah. Wow. I love it. Trust me, I love it. I love seeing her fish. But every time she casts, there's like a it's like the worst vision goes through your mind. You're like, well, if that gets caught in your cheek, then you're

going to need plastic surgery. I mean, just all this crazy stuff. And when you're like, I've never seen someone cast a rod and get their own hook caught in their cheek. But you just know, I'm in my mind, I'm like, we had to lock every door solidly every night because I'm like, she's gonna wander out. I mean, it's just crazy where your head goes. Right. I think part of the golf

is how chill your everyday life is too. You have a pretty chill everyday life. So a vacation would seem even more stressful in contrast. It is interesting because the whole time I'm like, well, we could have done all this at the crib without going to airports and packing. This is what we do. I could have seen a bird at the crib.

You wouldn't have seen a loon there. No, dude. You'd have to order in. We got lakes, bro. I feel like I had a vacation this summer too. I went to the Finger Lakes with my boyfriend and it was the most stressful week of my life. It was like eight days of every single day. It was like coat talk. It was day. That wasn't like coat talk.

It was crazy. Every single day was like a different family that were coming in and entertaining. I was like, this is the craziest. There's always a shucking party. Every night was something insane. I was like, there was no relaxing. That sounds cool. It was, but it was like really, really stressful.

And his family is very, his uncle is Shooter McGavin. I don't know if you guys knew this. He's related to Shooter McGavin. That's amazing. But his other uncles are also all like big personalities. So his other uncle comes in and he's like, fellow comedian, there she is. And I'm like, who is this guy?

And like every one of his uncles is also in the biz somehow. It was very, and he like, he had some deep cuts of some of my YouTube videos. He was like, you have one video where you shit the toilet and it's smeared. I'm like, what? I'm like, that's like a joke in like a 10 minute YouTube clip that I posted like four months ago.

I'm like, oh, you're watching. You're really watching my stuff. That's stressful. It's so stressful. I was at the lakes myself this summer in the woods of Wisconsin with my wife's family. She was having a family reunion kind of thing. And I love her family, they're great,

but I did get from her uncles at everything that we were all at together, is this going in the act? Oh yeah. Putting this in the act. Which I know we talk about so much that it becomes hack, but like every time you encounter it, it still is jarring where you're just like, oh, no, no, what about this is going on here?

No, it's not entertaining at all. It's very boring. We're eating dinner? Yeah. No one's laughing. What part of this was going to act? The pies, the potatoes? It doesn't make any sense.

You're not the first person to spill mustard on your cardigan, but I don't need that to go in the set. I've yet to figure out the right response where it's like, how do you think this would go in the act? Why don't you that to go in the set. I've yet to figure out the right response where it's like, how do you think this would go in the act? Why don't you paint a picture for me of what the joke would be? You're familiar with standup. So in the first part of my special,

I talk about this story about how the leader of the Flat Earth Movement, whatever, this might encounter with him. And someone sent him a clip of my special and he emailed me. And the first, I was like, oh my God, I'm so scared. And the first email was like a few sentences, like really just like super nice. Oh no. And I wrote back like, thank you for having such a great sense of humor.

I really appreciate like hope you're well or whatever. Then he wrote me back literally, like, a 20 paragraph email writing out a skit for me that was so wild. I can't even explain. I didn't respond to that one, but... I like that he wrote that. I do. I kind of even explain. I didn't respond to that one, but... I like that he wrote that. I do, I kind of did too. He showed interest in follow-up. He did show interest, yeah.

Maybe the earth is flat. Did you think about that, Blair? Yeah, I know, you're right. I need to consider it. But, yeah, this man is Shakespeare in his spare time when he's not doing flat earth stuff I think you should film it and provide the context when you film it like as part of the sketch Let's be like this was submitted to me by the leader of the flat earth movement I now present to you his version of a sketch Does it have to do with the flat earth or is it just like a date?

It's just like all about flat earth and it was stand- or is it just, is it like a date? It's just like- Not at all about Flat Earth and it was stand up. He just calls it skits. That's so funny. Yeah. Oh God. Yeah. You know, if you print that email out and lay it down, it's flat.

Flat Earth. That's true. It's not gonna be a sphere, is it? Wait, oh yeah, go ahead. Anyway, I'll be at last comedy club this weekend. I don't know if that's what you want to promote your dates on the heel of. Look, I laughed, at Laughs Comedy Club. I don't know if that's what you want to promote your dates on the heel of. Look, I laughed, I laughed.

I thought it was funny. August 3rd, this Friday and Saturday, come see me at Laughs Comedy Club in Seattle, please. Last time, or two times ago, zero people showed up. So let's not have that happen again. But last time, hella people showed up. Last time was great, and the time before that. Four times ago, zero people showed up

and we canceled the show. But that was like six years ago. I think this is bad time for ticket sales, FYI. I'm going to DC this weekend and it ain't looking good to ticket sales in Washington this weekend. A lot of posts by me. I don't want to know. I ask them never to tell me. I'm like, don't tell me unless it's sold out. Otherwise, what am I going to do differently?

I'm just going to stress. So I never get ticket counts. No, I got taken off at least things. I was like freaking out. Cause then I get the email like, have you seen them? It's not looking good. Yeah, your heart is so good. I know it's not good. It's fucking the last we get a fucking summer.

No one's going to a fucking comedy club. No one's in town. I know, it's Labour Day as it were. It's not my fault that everyone's heart is filled with the melancholy of like the end of the summer. What the hell? They're gonna choose to come see me yell while I fucking huge fanboys.

See, no they're not. They're going to a fucking lake house. Come see me yell in my fucking huge fat voice. No they're not. They're going to a fucking lake house with their family. Come see me yell about it. Yeah, go see Shawn yell about it. Oh, you're up against Bumbershoot. You're fucked.

I know I am. Oh, you're up against Bumbershoot, dude. You're really fucked. Yeah, but I'm gonna go to Bumbershoot, I think. So there's that. And I'm gonna take that Sleepless in Seattle boat tour by my goddamn self. Have you not done that yet?

Haven't done it yet. Okay, okay. You talk about it a lot. I don't mean that sound negative. I don't mean it like that. Listen to the malice in the author's voice. You talk about it a lot. Fucking great use of malice, bro. Thanks, man.

Thank you. You've talked about it so much that I can't, that sounds like a dick, but I couldn't tell if you've been on it or not. No, I hear you. I hear you. Or if this was like a... Talk to me Sunday and I will have been on it. I'll talk to not. No, I hear you. Yeah, yeah. Or if this was like a day.

Talk to me Sunday and I will have been on it. I didn't know that was a thing. I'll talk to you Saturday, bro. I'm doing that next time I go to Seattle. That sounds so cool. So I did a show, and then we'll move on, I did a show at some restaurant, but I've just felt it. And I was like, it feels like we're by the sleepless

in Seattle house, right? And somebody goes, it's right there. It was like, you could see it was right across the little dock or whatever. And then they told me about this whole tour. I've been screaming about it for like two years now. Going on Saturday. There you go.

Hell yeah. I digress, I digress. Our guests. I digress, I digress. Blair Socky is here. Hey Ian. Hey Blair. At Blair Socky on all the platforms? That's for sure.

I've taken two aquatic trips this summer, one to the lakes. The trip before that was the Olympic Peninsula with my father, who spent a great deal of time telling me about how funny he thinks Blair Saki is. That's so nice. Big, big fan. Love you, Ivan. Shout out to Ivan Carmel, who occasionally listens. He'll probably listen to this, because I think he likes your comedy more than mine.

No way. I think he does. This started with, and my dad is like supportive in his way, but early in my career, I was emceeing and Mike Lawrence was featuring. He spent the whole time after just talking about how funny Mike Lawrence was. And I was like, did you like my jokes?

He was like, yeah, you're okay Yeah, I love I didn't need Ivan once when we all did What was what's that theater in Portland? The Revolution Hall. Yeah revolution. I met about Revolution him at Revolution Hall once, like five years ago. That's right. Six years ago, when we all did it together. That was a fun show. You guys all came, like, was Funches there too?

It was Funches Show. It was Funches Show. It was a real important, oh yeah. Oh, that's what was so crazy about it. Because my dad invited himself backstage at Ron Funches' show. Yes. That's great.

Ah, yes. That's so great. Ivan Carmel. Ivan Carmel, we love you. Where can people see you do stand up comedy or whatever? Where do you want to point people to it? Well, I just would like to point people, my special was just released on YouTube after being behind the Veep's paywall, I got it back. So it's on YouTube for everyone to watch and the Veebs pay while I got it back

So it's on YouTube for everyone to watch and I'd love it if you check it out, baby Run it up run it up and that's it. It's just it is Blair Saki on all the socials, right? Yes, correct There it is SOCCI for the listeners. It's in the episode description. Steph Tollev is here aka Steph Holliv I've also changed. I also changed mine to Ian Carmhole It's in the episode description. Steph Tolev is here. AKA Steph Tolev. I've also changed. I changed mine to Ian Carmhole. Inspired by you. It's at Steph Tolev on Twitter,

but you're not really active on Twitter. Because I don't have Twitter right now. You don't have Twitter right now. I've been hacked three fucking times. This last fucking guy pissed me off because he started doing dirty jokes. I don't have Twitter right now. Whoa. You don't have Twitter right now? I've been hacked three fucking times. This last fucking guy pissed me off because he started doing dirty jokes. He said, K fuckers, what's up? Crypto's in.

And so people thought for three weeks that I was just weirdly into crypto, and then now he went fully into crypto. So I just got them to take him out of it. It's been almost two months. That's why I was active on Twitter, but now I can't be. The once and future king of Twitter, Steph Tollef. I really know him so bad on anyways, but Instagram, if you wanna follow me,

please go to Instagram. I gotta get out of the shadow, man. And I'm a podcast. Please, God. Steph Infection. What is it? I think I just talked over you there. Say it again. Steph Infection. What is it? I think I talked over you there. Say it again.

Steph Infection. Blair Is Not It, very good episode. You both have to do it, but I don't do it over fucking Zoos. You guys gotta be in LA to do it with me. I'm in LA, I didn't retreat up north. I love to do it. When are you coming in September? I'm gonna hit you up too.

I'm trying to get the dates nailed down, but for like three days, I just tell them, like, no Ian, I'm not. Steph, I'm not liking it. Oh, I'm gonna hit you up too. I'm trying to get the dates nailed down, but like for like three days I just tell like no Ian. I'm not No, keep going step we'll talk about it. No, please no, I literally I Hate like I've been trying to book September 9th and no one was answering me. I'm like this don't want to the podcast anymore I don't tell you But I will be I'm actually turning this room into a podcast studio. I've decided But I will be, I'm actually turning this room

into a podcast studio, I've decided. Oh, that's so nice. Because the All Things Comedy, I don't know why it looks like it's filming in 1991. I don't know what is happening there, but it does not look good, and I don't like it. That's the aesthetic right now. I love All Things Comedy,

but I don't know why I look like a fucking melted troll in every clip. And I'm like, the lighting, it's the lighting. Throw that filter over it that literally makes it look like a camp quarter from the early 90s. I'm like the lighting, it's the lighting. Throw that filter over it that literally makes it look like a camcorder from the early 90s. I'm putting filters, there's filters on it. Oh, I'm filtering. Yeah, and also I'm too lazy to go to Burbank. I'm like people can come here, it'll be a nice setup,

I'm gonna do the whole room, I got a dog, I'm gonna pet the dog. Love going to Burbank, they got that mall. So nice. Yeah, I'm a big Burbank fan too. I got three movie theaters in like a fucking square mile. And it's like, they have like bills, like backgrounds. So it's like, I had to bring in so much stuff to make it look like mine.

Just a big cigar. They have a wood ranch barbecue in Burbank. They got a Margaritaville? They got an island? They have a Margaritaville? I see the islands. I would go to Margaritaville. Oh, they got a Margaritaville right by the movie theater.

Like literally right by that movie theater. They had a Fuddruckers. Is that what they turned Fuddruckers into? I'm not even kiddinggaritaville. Oh, they got to Margaritaville right by the movie theater. Like literally right by that movie theater. They had a Fuddruckers. Is that what they turned Fuddruckers into? I'm not even kidding. That's incredible. You love Burbank. Oh my god. Burbank is like my Plymouth Rock. Because when I moved to LA the first time, when I was in my early 20s to do the Grandlings, I drove down I-5.

And when I first got to LA, I arrived at that mall in Burbank, and I was like, LA's not so-5 and when I first got to LA, I arrived at that mall in Burbank and I was like, LA's not so bad. Yeah, look at this. Right. Everyone seemed so chill. It got a lot lonelier after that, but you know,

I always have fondness for that mall in Burbank. Now look at you. Now look at me. Oh and Steph, you'll be in DC this weekend, right? Oh yeah, we'll be in DC this weekend. For God's sakes, if you don't have anything else fun going on, please, please come, please come. You won't regret it.

Will you do us a favor and go to a bar downtown, it's a karaoke bar, it's called Recessions. Okay. Other than your standup show, it's the most fun that you could have in DC. I will do that, because I'm gonna cleanse, I can't drink, but I can make fun of people sober. How long are you gonna be on the cleanse for, Seth?

Until I'm recording my special October 10th. So I'm trying to lose 20 pounds, because I'm already gonna be called an ugly trans. I can't also add fat into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally why I'm here this day. I'm like, I'll take ugly trans. I can't also add fat into that. So that's literally why I'm here this day. I'm like, I'll take ugly trans. It's so fucked.

No, I literally, that's how fucked it is. I'm like, I'm really exactly waiting for that. Just a small comment on this. Like I woke up to comments on clips and Steph and I have talked about this literally endlessly. But like I woke up to comments today on a clip and I guess it just means the clip is doing well But they were so they literally gave me so much anxiety these men like hate Hate me. Yeah, like oh my god, like a one was like threatening violence Oh, yeah, it's it's scary It's honestly if you're a fucking if you're a woman with a fucking opinion on the internet, every man fucking

hates you. Someone literally commented yesterday, go on a diet. And I was like, I am. I am the number one since the day I was fucking born. Fuck space. What do you mean go on a diet? So annoying, this fucking shit. It's also so funny because I just watched Adam Zeller.

They just posted his clips and his clip from his special, his first clip is like a joke, a sex joke. Funny. Not one comment about men only do sex jokes. Not one fucking comment on his fucking page. But if I post one joke about a blow job, this is all women talk about. I'm like, this is so sorry. I'm freaking out right now. It's just, it's very funny. I don't want to laugh. I deleted like this more every morning I wake up and I delete someone saying I'm an, this is so, sorry, I'm freaking out right now. It's very funny. I just don't wanna laugh. Every morning I wake up and I delete someone saying

I'm an ugly trans pig. So I'm like, it's very frustrating being a woman in the industry, on the internet. Yeah, I had to block some guys this morning because it was just so extreme. I was like, seeing that makes me really sad and scared. No, you have to block it because it is scary. Yeah.

And it's, mine are much less toxic, but it's always right first thing in the morning when you look at them, because you want to go, I always liken it to like pulling up the crowd ad trap. You're like, let's see what we got last night in terms of like comments and views. And then you look and you start your day off with like the most toxic energy.

Yeah, you're like, oh, okay, well, fuck me then. I thought I was losing weight and I'm apparently a fat pig, okay. Or just trying to make people laugh in the world, but they're like, and on the clip also, it doesn't say one bad thing about men at all. Like anything, like it was just, oh my God. To these dudes, your existence unencumbered by fear,

even for a moment on stage, is enough to drive them crazy. Oh yeah, literally, yeah. That feels like an affront to people like Sean. Yeah, to people like Sean, they really hate when I scream on stage about anything. It doesn't matter, they're not even listening to what you say. They see you on mute and they're like,

this stupid bitch. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Blair, Steph, is it? I don't think all men are like that. No, there's five people on both sides. That's the lesson this podcast. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, all those places.

My special will, I think, be on YouTube. I guess I don't know yet, but it's called Comfort Beyond God's Foresight, and that'll be coming out September, October sometime, sometime in there. Woo-hoo! They're color correcting it right now. Hell yeah. Well then you might come on the pod to promote this.

What the hell? I would love to. I would love to. I'm in LA. I'll come to you. I'll come to Burbank. I'll go anywhere, bro. September 9th. 11 a.m.bank. I'll go anywhere, bro. September 9th.

11AM. Can you do that? Let me see. I have an opening September 9th. Yeah, I'm in. That's what I'm talking about. 11AM. I'm puzzling you in. Alright, I'll come. I might not even have a date for the special yet, but I'll just come hang out. That's fine. Yeah, I can push it to you when you feel like it. Well, we'll be at the High Plains Comedy Festival, so promote that, why don't you?

I will, bro! We'll be at the High Plains Comedy Festival, September 20th. 19th through the 21st. That's the dates. Oh, that's gonna be so fun. Those are the dates. What is it? 19th? Let me put it on my calendar. 19th through the 21st. 19th through the 21st. We'll be at the High Plains Comedy Festival.

We're doing two live All Fantasy Everythings. And an All Fantasy Everything stand up show. It's gonna be great fun. If they stay true to form, the ticket links will be available no more than 48 hours before the show. Yeah, it's great, it's great. But we're doing them.

But they will have. Perfect. We're doing them, we're gonna have some Denver specific merchandise. Provided by Trailblazing, which I'm very excited about it's gonna be real fun live AFVs They're a hoot and a holler and we're in fine form after our summer tour I don't have anything else buy t-shirt swim club my book people really seem to enjoy it Sean you finish it yet I didn't even crack it at the lake. I thought alright, you're at a lake dude. I'm sorry, I thought it was gonna be,

I really, I fully intended on finishing it, but then every second I was looking at our daughter. So. I went to, I don't even have a daughter. I went to the lake anticipating getting a lot of reading done, didn't get any reading done. But I did drive a pontoon boat for hours and hours. You got a lot of bits.

We love a pontoon. A lot of bits. You guys have all had an incredible lake summer. I need to hit the lake. You gotta hit the lake, Blair. Go to Big Bear, bro. Wait, is that a lake? There's a lake at Big Bear, yeah.

Go to Big Bear, bro. It's often in the summer, I don't know, too low, but it might have gotten enough water the last couple years. Arrowhead, but Arrowhead doesn't provide the sort of Midwest Lake or upstate New York lake life that you're looking for. I found.

I took a pontoon boat to an outdoor restaurant in Wisconsin. Pulled up to the restaurant, got out, there was a cover band, we ate pizza, got back in the boat. Oh, that sounds phenomenal. Don't you love a pontoon? Pontoon's changed my life. Nobody wants a speedboat, what is this? My parents got a pontoon a couple years ago, they like got this, they made a huge deal about it.

They got extra speakers in it, they really, I mean, are we allowed to even put a glass down in it? No. No. Is there specific cup holders we have to use? I'm not allowed to drive it. That's why you gotta drink those little buzz balls. Those are plastic. Toss them right in the lake when you're done.

If we don't put the cover on at night, my dad actually will have a heart attack. So it's, and it's like the horror. Have you ever put a cover on a pontoon boat? This sounds like such a like, I sound like, if you haven't lived the day you put a cover on a pontoon boat. It is the hardest workout. I put a pontoon on a big boat, but never a pontoon. This sounds like you're like I sound like But never upon to it's all the covers are never big enough for where they're supposed to go if I wasn't a comedian I would get into boat covers and that would be my full job I can I swear to God it is every time I put it all my dad it starts like okay

Just get that side to fuck this, suck my ass. I'm like, this is like hell on earth. Our nice day on the pontoon turns into my dad screaming and throwing things in the water, and then going in to get them like, what is this? This ruined the whole day. So if you're listening and you're a boat cover person, step up your game.

There's room for improvement in the field. Yes, there is. Come see us at High Plains, read my book, T-Shirt Swim Club, I don't have anything else to promote. That's about it. We are here today to fantasy draft holes. And I just wanna make this clear that this was Blair's choice.

I know people listening who know me would assume I pinch holes. I need to say I pinch crappers and pickles. And Blair, and the reason I'm picking crappers is what I mean, Blair, I remember you getting an argument about Triscuits. You said they were too dry and I got really angry about that. They are too dry.

They're not too dry. You're not getting the right saucy ones? They're too dry. Well, I'm not getting the wet. You're not getting the right season ones then. I'm not getting the wet Triscuits, I'm sorry. Seth, I am a five minute bit about this. I know you do.

We've discussed it also at length because I really love Triscuits. Anyways, holes is what it is. A lot of people do. Holes is what it is. Holes, what I like about holes, wide spectrum on holes. There is. It's wide open. No pun intended. I mean, I know a hole is wide open, but holes is also wide open. The tomato triscuits absolutely delicious, mouth-watering, not too dry. Grow up! Nothing about a triscuit makes your mouth water.

I'm grown up. Have you never had the balsamic and basil ones? I don't know what triscuits you have, even plain? I even went nuts and got the reduced fat ones one time. Like a cycle hat. What are you doing getting reduced fat triscuits? I'm saying I've had them time. Like a cycle of that. What are you doing giving a reduced fat Criskin? I'm saying I've had them all. I've had them all.

It is. Like, it's stand alone. You have to, like, yes, if I put burrata and all these things, I would eat that on cardboard. It is always funny when they put those little flavor combinations on the side of the box where you're like, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

No, like, we're like small little tomatoes with like a drizzle. What are you talking about? I'm dipping it into five layers of hummus and that's it, there it is. No, but the back of the box is like, basically you gotta cover this shit if you want it to be edible. That's what the back of the box is.

Here's some ideas with pictures. Now I'm kind of wishing we all, we're gonna have to go back to the cracker craft. Chicken and a biscuit would have been the front runner. Chicken and a biscuit? Is that too much? That is a child's cracker. A chicken and a biscuit. Sorry, author. I didn't realize that you would judge me so hard.

Wow, author. Best selling author. They are absolutely covered. They're like covered in ramen seasoning. I like a little cracker with my salt. That sounds good, MSG. I'm in. I bet you Law has them when he's cheating on his diet.

Law? Yeah, fuck, Law. Law's eating rice cakes, bro, come on. He's doing triangle pushups eating rice cakes. I'll tell you what, Law's getting his hole sucked off right now. There he is. Yes, he always talks about it.

He's like, three women on the go at all times. On the go? Oh yeah, he's got a hole covered right now for sure. Shut up. Shut up to law, shut up to holes. We're drafting holes. The way we determine the order of that draft is a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot.

Here we go, we're playing rock, paper, scissors. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, I fucked that. Oh, three scissors! We're doing it again. Three scissors, what is this, lost dating life? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, Sean wins in unnatural victory,

a paper against two scissors, but it is the odd man out. Sean, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. What is that, you ask? Well, it's like, wouldn't you use a lint roller, I think.

I don't really think I've ever used a lint roller, but you, like on the back of your suit jacket, you roll the lint off from top to bottom, go over and then roll from bottom to top, and then maybe from top to bottom, and then over again from bottom to top. Is that how you use a lint roller? No, it's usually top to bottom, go over and then roll from bottom to top, and then maybe from top to bottom, and then over again from bottom to top. Is that how you use a lint roller? No, it's usually top to bottom pretty consistently

in a downward motion, but that's alright, dude. Not in this explanation. You have cats, you don't use a lint roller? I'm pretty dirty. That's alright. Yeah. I don't, yeah, I don't really, it's wrinkled most of the time.

That's okay. Stuff, you know. Eating a chicken hibiscus out of a wrinkled blazer, dude? Wiping it, thatinkled most of the time. That's okay. You know Eating the chicken a biscuit out of a wrinkle blazer For real it is a good cracker I overreacted it's a flavor blast Right. Well, I don't like it. So, you know, well my dear wife will get these multi-grain like no no season crack Yeah, and I'm like what am I I have to be? Starving like it, you know, I'm wasted. Yeah Even you know, it's a good cracker. I just put a lot of them Mary's good. You ever have those Mary's gone crackers. Yeah, I have who's delicious. Those are great. I really like

Ooh, it's delicious. Those are great. I really like them. It's good for a healthy one. They're very seed. They're not that good. No, it's all seeds. They're full of seeds. No, there's no taste. Oh, I like it, I like it.

There's no, no, no flavor. I don't need a seed in my cracker ever. I need, I like them, I like the, but I like grape nuts, so maybe I'm not a reliable narrator. Your dentist doesn't like that you like grape nuts. I'll tell you what, chew on them, gravel and glass on them.

My dentist likes what I tell him to like. You know what I've noticed lately? The general, he likes a Ritz. My dentist likes what I tell him to like. You know what I've noticed lately? The general, he likes a Ritz. My father-in-law is a general. He likes a Ritz. They melt on your tongue. If you leave a Ritz for seconds on your tongue. Oh yeah, you're not like a Ritz.

It's covered in butter. It's very French in that way. I never knew that until a year ago. I never gave him a shot. You never tried a Ritz. Oh, you don't need stuff on a Ritz. I never tried a Ritz. I've eaten Ritz at stuff on a Ritz. I've never tried a Ritz. I've eaten Ritz at weddings or whatever.

Should we just do an impromptu cracker draft? Yeah. I gotta make a list of holes. We gotta list of holes. Let's get into the holes. Sean, with that in mind, basically it's a serpentine draft. If you pick fourth in the first round,

you pick first in the second round, what will the order of today's draft be? This is Blair? Right, this is today's draft be? This is Blair? Right, this is yours or Steph's? This is your idea? Blair's. Yeah, it was mine. We'll say Blair first, I'll go second, Steph third, Ian fourth.

All right, hot corner. Blair, you have the first pick in the holes, all fantasy, everything, fantasy draft, and we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Now everybody out there, you got problems? Everybody does. You just have stuff that builds up in life. You need some extra ears to get their hands on it. Look at me just using multiple body parts to get to the point. But that is where therapy comes into

play. You also, anymore, you have to think about self care. You have to think about what your absolute must do's are. Your non-negotiable things that you need to do for yourself. For me, I love to walk every day. I like to go on a little hike if I can. I like to try to skateboard every day. Sometimes that can happen, and then you see it just bleeds into everything else. You get frustrated.

All of a sudden there's a dish in the sink that you didn't want to be in the sink and you blow up and you know, all that stuff. So you gotta focus on you. All that to say, take a little you time. You know, if you're talking to yourself in the mirror, it's called me time. When your schedule's packed up with all that stuff,

you forget about it. And that is when something like therapy can be more important than ever. I was just at the late cottage with my entire family for about 10 days and it was an absolute blast. Having said that, would have been nice to have somebody there who I could go talk to maybe a weekend and be like, oh my gosh, this is harder

than I thought it was gonna be. All that stuff. It never hurts to just talk to someone. Plus, they're not gonna judge you. Someone new in your life who's just gonna look at you, they're not gonna think your problems are small because they are yours and you know, everybody has their own issues.

So if you're thinking about starting therapy, go on and get better help a try. We talk about it all the time for a reason because it is healthy. It's good to do. It's done entirely online. We're used to that now. You don't got to leave.

You don't got to go anywhere. They'll just suit to your schedule. Fill out a brief questionnaire and you're going to get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch anytime you want. So give it a try. If you're seriously, if you're gonna get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch anytime you want. So give it a try. If you're, seriously, if you're thinking about it, just do it.

Don't, you know, just make today the day. Go give it a shot. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash all fantasy today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash all fantasy. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed, at the In Burbank where there is a margaritaville. We'll go to Fudd Rockers after whatever the hell is in Burbank. No, it's out of business.

You can't, I was so bummed out. I was so bummed out. Go to Ikea, get some hot dogs. Atta babe. Yes. I like an Ikea day. I've never, I know it's like a famous place where like you're supposed to like

get in a fight with your partner. I've never had anything but good feelings. No, I wanna take Maxine there just to kick it. I wanna go get some meatballs and let her fuck around. Cause I go alone to IKEA. It's a very nice experience. You get the big thing, you walk around, you have headphones on, you're not focused.

Get some steps in. Oh yeah, you're getting your steps in. You know, not just meatballs and hot dogs, they also have like a Scandinavian gummy bar. Just like where you can go get Scandinavian candies. That will be the thing that gets me there. Yeah, check it out. It's well worthwhile.

I love a gummy bar, Scandinavian. I love gummies. I love the opinion that gummies are superior. Me too, I'm a fucking gummy freak. You guys want some gummies? I just started, cause I got hemorrhoid issues, shout out to my hemorrhoid heads. I've been taking these fiber gummies,

mucinix, no sugar added, they're tasty, and my hemorrhoids are gone for fuck's sakes. Wait, why does mucinex help a hemorrhoid? Or Metamucil. Metamucil, sorry. Metamucil. Or mucinex. It breaks up on my butt's night. I gave you a hemorrhoid too. Now your kid sits right.

Mucinex, whatever's the other way. Metamucil. Metamucil, they're very tasty, and they're five grams of fiber. I drink a glass of Metamucil every day of my life. No, it's so gross, it's sludge. No, do the gummies. I like the sludge. I like the sludge.

You like the sludge? Ew. I like the sludge. Ew. No way Ian. The sludge. Oh, because I feel it work, and I'm like, if that's going down that thick,

it's gotta be doing something. It's so thick. It's like cement drawing. It's disgusting. My dad's friend once described Metamucil. It's like, yeah, it makes your shit feel like it's saran wrapped. Oh, brother. What the hell? I don't know if I've...

That's not what I'm getting. You guys are the ones eating Metamucil. Why'd you get all tied on me on that one? I'm not tied. I've... That's not what I'm getting. You guys are the ones eating Metamucil. Why'd you get all tight on me on that one? I'm not tight. Because I've never felt that. Oh, I'm not tight. Hey, I'm not tight. So it doesn't...

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. John's yet to poop. We're on poop watch going on. It's, we're 40, 42 years into poop watch? They say if I don't poop by the time I'm 50, they're going to have to kill me. Yeah. Blair, we're drafting holes. You have sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. like it's like a little Pac-Man, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm gonna go male Eurythra. The male pee hole. It looks like it has lips. It's very funny. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like this was kind of anti-climatic. Let's move on. No, no.

It's the closest looking to like a Venus flytrap hole. You know what I mean? It looks just like that. Like it looks like Seymour? Like Audrey II. Audrey II, Audrey II, yeah, yeah, yeah. The closest looking to like a Venus flytrap hole, you know what I mean? That looks just like that. Like it looks like Seymour? Like Audrey II. Audrey II, Audrey II, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're all, they're all, they're all.

My dick looks like Rick Moranis, yours for sure. I've never seen one in real life, only on the internet, but I think it's cool. Well, that's not a fair comparison. It's a, I'll say it's a versatile hole. The pee hole. Yeah. Two things, that's about it. Yeah, but that's versatile. I can't do two things, dude.

I got one. I got one thing, dude. Being a genre-defying, epoch-shattering, stand-up comedian. I thought you were going to say author. You're off the author thing now. You're back to comedian now.

I guess I got two things. I guess I'm kind of like a peahole. Yay! I wanna be like a peahole? That's amazing. Yeah, it's a real double threat. Maybe a triple threat, because sometimes people put stuff in there.

That's like a thing that people are into. Yeah, those sadomasochistic men. They like put clubs in there or something. Sounding. They used to, when you went and got STD tests, they used to put a swab in there. They don't do that anymore. Oh, good, good, good, good.

One time, one time I had that and it was gnarly. Oh, it sounds like that. Yeah, no, it sounds bad. Doesn't hurt as much as you think, but it's like just, I mean, different versions of that happen to women all the time, but like, yeah, it was just like, holy cow. It is jarring.

Feminist icon Sean Jordan, just a reminder. Feminist icon Sean Jordan. Thank you for the consideration, Sean. I would never compare myself to what a woman has to go through on the daily, but let me stop you, Blair. I would never, ever compare myself. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I'm alarmed you picked the pee hole.

I find the pee hole, I don't know, sometimes they're kind of gross. Have you seen like a really loose one on a man? Like a really like... I don't know. Is it like open? Oh, I've seen some open ones. It's making me sick down there. I do like where it is. The location seems like very fun. Like, I wish we could see our P-hole.

You know what I mean? Ours is like, where is it? I don't know. I literally have no idea where mine is. But I like the men are like, oh, there's my pee, it's coming out. Like it's fun to see it come out. A woman, women peeing is a real, there's a lot of trust involved in that. Cause I also don't know where the pee comes out of a woman. I have no idea. I assumed it was removed. It's kind of up there. I don't really know.

It's the first stop on the highway, right? It's the first stop on the highway. It's the first turn off, yeah. I think it's the first stop on the highway. Also, if any of you take gummies, like I do to sleep, get a little stoned, and then it's really hard to pee. Like, I can't communicate the pee to the pee hole. Oh, God.

I've experienced that before. That happens when you're hammered, too. Like, super hammered anyways. Never has happened to me from drinking ever in my life. When I used to get ripped. It's like the communication stops. Yeah, we were like, I have to pee. Yeah.

And the pee's like standing holding a map like way. It's bad that it's sitting there. I know it's bad that it's sitting there. I'm like, wake up, buddy, come on. It says turn right, but we're facing the other way. So is that a left? That's awesome. It says turn right, but we're facing the other way No! I can't get it out. Sean, time for your first pick. The male pee hole is off the board, baby.

Yeah, you know, I'm keeping it in the same neighborhood. I'm gonna pick the butt hole. Where is this? Wow, boldly. Wow, wow, all right. It's amazing, it's an amazing muscle. It just, I mean, it just, it operates for you, which is so interesting to me.

Not for me, honestly, but that's okay. Take the fucking fiber gummies. I don't know what to tell you. No, no, I shit perfectly. I just mean I'm not a fan of the asshole. Wow. You should, wait, do you have hemorrhoids? Why are you not a fan? Oh, I just think it's disgusting, really. Well, what the heck? If you don't have hemorrhoids, shut the fuck a fan? Oh, I just think it's disgusting really.

Well, what the heck? If you don't have hemorrhoids, shut the fuck up. You're not allowed to have that opinion. I'm not allowed to have any goddamn opinion in my life. If you're gonna have one, then I'll tell you right now. It changes everything. And I won't be bullied by you. We both have defined quads. And if you think I'm gonna back down because I don't like poopy butt holes, you're wrong. Well I don't want the poop in there,

but you know, when you get hemorrhoid it changes things. No, that sounds horrible. And I'm sorry for your hemorrhoid experience. That's another reason why I don't like the butt holes. Right, they do get all hemorrhoided up. Is this a four for four, define quads podcast? Sean, do you have defined quads? I do have defined quads. Four for four Yeah you skateboard look at this. We have four four quad it up

It's one thing I got is my leg muscles, but just that but I mean I was gonna pick it at some point So I figured why not pick up this fun conversation Sean I Respect the muscle like the fact that it can just work for you. I do It's cool that it does everything respect the muscle. That's what law hears all the time dude from all three of his girlfriends and it's a It's something I have it's it's it's like an unknown world to me. I've never had anything up mine I've never gone really really yeah, never never gonna

I'm gonna have to get a, I asked my doctor, I basically asked him if I could get a prostate exam, and he said that it's so unnecessary at my age because you get so many false positives. And he's like, if you get a false positive, we have to do so many other tests that it's not worth it yet. So that's why he's like. Low bar medical system.

Are you with Kaiser? Yeah, wait. Wow. Who am I with? Do you know your insurance provider? If it's, if you go look into it and it's Kaiser, keep pushing. No, my doctor, I trust my doctor.

He, Dr. Josh, man. If you are. Dr. Josh? Yeah, I wouldn't trust that man. I wouldn't trust that man. Is it Joshua Witts? Dr. Josh. What's the second name? Wait, yeah, wait, is his first name Josh? Why is he going by his first name? Oh it Joshua Witts? Dr. Josh. What's the second name?

Wait, yeah, wait, is his first name Josh? Why is he going by his first name? No, it's O'Josh, O'Joshua. Oh, I wouldn't trust O'Joshua for a second, my Gentile friend. Anyway, it's just an interesting place to me. It's an interesting muscle. It just, it's always closed, and I respect that.

It doesn't, most of the time doesn't let you make a mistake. I've maybe twice in my life, crap my pants. And yeah, it's just, it keeps me safe and I respect that. Farts are funny. Sounds like it wants a lot of mystique for you. Yeah, wow. Never anything inside it, not one finger one time. About half of each of my pointer

when I'm really cleaning. Okay. The butthole is like the American West for you. Like it holds so much mystery and drama. You feel drawn to it. Yeah. Yeah, and also it feels great to poop, you know? So there's that.

It does feel good. The butthole is an artist too because farts come out of different tones and everything. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're dark and mysterious, sometimes they're foreboding. Would you say it was a fartist? What are we doing? What are we doing if not having fun?

I would say you both, I'm assuming both Ian and Sean have never had their asshole waxed. I'll tell you right now. No. You wanna experience a different fart, just do it once in your life. Very fun stuff. That would be funny.

It is fun, it's very different. Comes out whistling? Also, it's not painful. Waxing your asshole, like it's very different. I would do it. Comes out whistling? Also, it's not painful. Waxing your asshole, like it's like, it's really on your body. It sells. I would do it. You've wiped it so much that it's numb back there.

I'm not against waxing my asshole. What I am against is subjecting someone to waxing my asshole. But what you think, you have no, I asked because like, my hemorrhoids back in now, but it was it was Ever I have hemorrhoids I went to my waxing worse and I'm like do I have to tell her I have one and then my Sister was like, oh, yeah I already to ask my waxer if I had to tell her and she the wasp woman said you have no idea what I've seen

Back there. So you think you so oh, so it's like you think you have, a hemorrhoid is nothing. So whatever hair you think you have back there, and yes, I have hemorrhoids and I'm gonna make it very clear. I had a hemorrhoid. No, it's back in. Mine's gone now. Mine's gone now because I'm happy with the fibromyalgia.

But just so you know, whatever hair you think you have back there, there's people with really bad assholes. Doctor told me I was dead lifting too heavy. Got a hemorrhoid from me. Oh yeah, that happens. That was on rotten.com. When rotten.com first started, there was a weightlifter with a prolapsed rectum.

Oh, I saw that. We would make it everyone's backdrop. My buddy Dix didn't know how to change his computer. He didn't know anything about his computer, so we would always make that his backdrop. He'd go in his room, and he'd have to come out and get one of us to change it, and we're like, no, I don't feel like it.

He just didn't know how to do it. He can't do his taxes, he goes to jail because he has to. That's so funny. He went to jail for a lot of stuff. All right, Sean Jordan has drafted The Butthole. Yeah, just fun to talk about. A playground of delights and utility, most vital to our existence.

Steph, time for yours. Always flexed muscle. Well, I wanna pick a classic one here, because I was gonna pick Buttle for different reasons, but I'm gonna pick the mouth. Because I mean, that's a hole. I think that's our best hole. That's it, that's the number one pick for me.

It's number one hole. I don't know why this is so low on the list here. You're putting stuff in, stuff's coming out. You're cleaning it, you're putting, it's talking. It's always wet, it's nice. I mean, not always wet, but like, it's always wet. Unless you have a Triscuit in there, it's always wet, yeah.

Yeah, unless you got the Triscuit. No. No, I know what you mean. I didn't even think of a mouth, I wasn't even on my list, because I'm a moron. No, I know what you mean. I didn't even think of a mouth. I wasn't even on my list because I'm a moron. Yeah, that would easily first pick. It's the hole on the other side of the hole you just drafted. Yeah, it's the hole that leads to all the other holes. Two holes.

It's the main hole in my opinion. Why did it start with your reed throw? I don't even know. I'm confused in the order right now. Because we're dirty dogs. My first time doing this podcast is very confusing. Yes, I would, mouth is, that's it. I don't know the order right now. Because we're dirty dogs. My first time doing this podcast is very confusing. Yes, I would mouse, that's it. I don't know what to tell you here.

I love eating more than anything else on the planet. So I'm using it. Two people got drafted before Michael Jordan. All right? Two people got drafted before Michael Jordan too. So this is not unprecedented. Okay. Have fun trying to poop without my pick.

Where's that food that's gonna build up? Hey, you can get a little bag. You can put a little bag inside you, little glossy bag every day bro happens every day There you go. You can't eat without the mouth. The mouth is elite. It's also got teeth in it. That's weird Yeah, if you're taking a gummy before you go to bed like one player sake and you start thinking about teeth just bones Just expose bones in your mouth Yeah, you're right. I'll tell you too, I judge people from their mouth.

I think a mouth is the first thing I notice in somebody. If you got a dirty mouth, if you got nasty teeth, I don't trust you. You're a bad person and you're gross. So, sorry, it's very... The mouth is the one thing you can deal with yourself. There's no excuse for having nasty teeth, there's no excuse for not flossing. That's all you. Inside, what happens to your body? Yeah, sometimes, you know, you get cancer. There's no excuse for having nasty teeth. There's no excuse for not flossing. That's all you. Inside, what happens to your body?

Yeah, sometimes you get cancer. That's not your fucking problem. Your mouth, that's you. That's all you, you lazy fucking blob. Clean your fucking mouth. I do think it's shocking the amount of people that don't floss. Where that's one thing that I do where I floss every day,

sometimes twice, and the amount of people that I ask, I'm like, it takes, after you know what you're doing, 11, 12 seconds tops. It's so, it's so minimal. I have such a breath problem because I have such a big fucking nose, I smell everything. Literally like 10 years ago on Facebook,

or maybe like six years ago, I wrote, if any comedians think they have bad breath, DM me and I will tell you. And the ones that did have it didn't fucking DM me. One comment did and I think you guys all know I'm about to say his name, but he DM'd me and I was like, yes, it smells. And he's like, oh, what is it like?

And I was like, well, you smoke a lot of weed. So I'm like, it's like marijuana and it's not flossing. And he's like, thank you very much. And every time I see him now, he's chewing gum. And he's like, they're flossing every day. And I'm like, I don't know why this is so hard to explain to people. It's so, the amount of comments,

Blair, I'm sure you noticed too, especially the story you go up, and the mic fucking reeks after. You're like, how? How? I don't understand how. It makes no sense. Every mic reeks.

If you get, next, anyone listening, next time you come in contact with a microphone, smell it. They all. Which happens almost never, I think, to a non-performer. I'm never gonna say it. Yeah, we're like, when are they gonna?

You see people at comedy shows going up and going, yeah, smells. No one's gonna say anything. Next time you go to a comedy show, no one will tell you shit. Go sniff the mic. Imagine not being privy to this conversation and being on stage and having an audience member walk out

and be like, may I smell the microphone? Not if you're on stage. I'm talking before the show or after the show. Not during. Don't do that. I'm gonna go the other way that Sean was saying and say don't go to the microphone at a comedy show and smell the mic.

If anyone at any of my shows wants to smell the mic while I'm doing stand-up, stop me in the middle of any sentence I'm gonna go the other way that Sean was saying and say, don't go to the microphone at a comedy show and smell the mic. If anyone at any of my shows wants to smell the mic while I'm doing stand-up, stop me in the middle of any sentence I'm in. Same, same. I want people to know. I would love, also, and I have to, because you said chewing gum.

Anytime someone offers you a piece of gum, no matter who you are, take the gum. Yeah, why would you, yeah, yeah. It's the politest way of them saying, hey, I'd love it if you had some gum. I'd love it if you had some gum. I. I'd love it if you had some gum. I feel bad, but I right now could rattle off every single comic that has bad breath.

I literally- We got a chat right on the right here. Name them all. Do we have a chat? Funny. Don't make me get in here, because I will. Hit that chat button.

It's like, I will not have them on my podcast. I can't be near somebody who has that kind of smell. I can't, all my friends don't have bad breath. The main reason I'm attracted to my boyfriend, he has, I'm not joking right now, six toothbrushes on the go. He can't use a white toothbrush. I mean, it's kind of crazy. He brushes his teeth so often.

I'm like, I love this. We love a clean mouth. I got an electric and a manual. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because I want a different vibe. Yeah, that's nice. I like that. That electric, that electric will change your life.

Oh yeah. As soon as I got one. I only have electric, I love electric. Sometimes I like to go old school, manual, you know? No. Like rocky training in a barn. I do manual, I like manual. Yeah.

I got like two in the going. Time for my first pick, Mouth Just Got Taken Dealing me a devastating blow because that's what I wanted to take. Now, I have to go first This is a little more personal. Maybe not more personal than the butthole or the pee hole, but I'm taking the basketball hoop. Yeah, one of one of the holes Brought me some of the most joy in my life. I'm a huge basketball fan I love the way it sounds when somebody hits a swish. I love slam dunks, neither of which are possible

without a basketball hoop. Just one of the elite holes. You can't really slam dunk without a basketball hoop. You can't slam dunk without a basketball hoop. You can jump high and slap something, but you can't slam dunk without a basketball hoop. Jump high and throw the ball at the ground. That's a really good one, Ian.

Thank you very much. Yeah, that's a good hole. It's a good hole. There's all sorts of basketball, there's good hole basketball hoops and bad hole basketball hoops. There's ones that are double rimmed. Those are incredibly frustrating.

There's the fair where they make them like an oval, which you can't see them from the side and that's how they get you. That's how, I didn't know that. Oh, that's annoying. They pound them in. They take a little sledgehammer and pound him in a little bit. So it's harder to make.

Oh my God. Sean, when you're in LA, we should go to Dave and Busters. Brother, say less. Who are you talking to? Oh, well. You, me and Blair are gonna go to Dave and Busters. Oh, I can't come? What the hell?

And Steph is coming to Dave and Busters. What the fuck is this bullshit? Let's go. Actually, Steph can't come. No Steph and Dave and Busters. I can't come. I love Dave and Busters. I have a card. I have one. I do.

Let's all go to fucking Davenbusters. Can I tell you something? I've never been before. Wow. Just like I am, I've seen a loon and I didn't go to a lake this summer. Like, I've been living a very deprived life, I guess. There's a chance we can knock out the loon and the Dave and Busters at the same time, but it's gonna take some planning. Look at how big the word fun is on there.

Look at how big the word fun is. Yeah, it's a big word. Second biggest word, power. Power, fun, power, fun, power. Yeah, that's a lot. It's a lot. It says, great power comes great fun, which is a real sweaty take on that Spider-Man quote.

Oh, I'll drop a note at Dave and Buster's before I even get to the first game. Absolutely. Who are you talking to? Get some jalapeno poppers? Oh, I love a jalapeno popper. I do too. So good.

We used to go to WinCo when I was a kid, which is a Pacific Northwest exclusive bulk grocery store. It's where we got all the candy for our wedding. And they had a hot bar. You would get the jalapeno poppers and then walk around grocery store. That's where we got all the candy for our wedding. And they had a hot bar. You would get the jalapeno poppers and then walk around the store. That is a life of luxury. I had a corn dog on Friday with a pina colada

and it was like the best night of my life. That sounds great. Where did you get it from? That sounds nice. It was at this secret speakeasy tiki bar in LA that you have to make a reservation for like a month in advance. Speakea bar.

And I never knew it was there and it was so cool. It was like adult Disneyland. That sounds, where is it? It's in WeHo, like above a hot dog place. I still don't even know the name. I gotta figure out what it was. It's the corn dog. I get it. Yeah, but it was so great.

That sounds delicious. I'm taking the basketball hoop. Oh sorry, I really went off. I really went off roadie. No, no, that's exactly what this is for. Time for my second pick. I'm taking something I have not seen with my own two eyes. Yet. I already took butthole. Pardon me? I am taking something that I hope to one day see. It's a goal of mine. I would one day like to bring a child there.

And again, I'm not taking butthole. Oh God. I'm taking America's best hole, the Grand Canyon. Oh, okay. That's a big hole. That's a big fucking hole that's a large hole okay this isn't my podcast but I wouldn't know that that was a hole that's a hole okay yeah you're right you can challenge any pick you can challenge

any pick Blair but I believe it's a little bit trenchy it doesn't seem super circular but I think I think it's somewhat circular. Yeah, have you flown over it, Blair? Yeah, but look, I get- It looks pretty holy. Okay, okay, I take it back. It's a seventh wonder of the world. It's a big fucking hole.

We had the same conversation at dinner last night, my wife and I, because she benched the Grand Canyon. I was like, I don't know, is that a hole? And so we covered it. It's gorgeous. Oh, she's a hole. I haven't seen it yet, though, is that a hole? And so we covered it. It's gorgeous. Oh, she's a hole. I haven't seen it yet though, so maybe I'm wrong. It ain't far from you, man.

It's like six hours, you gotta go. It is truly one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. I don't know why, it's incredible. My sister, they have these very limited passes they give out to hike through it. And my older sister got one of them and she and her family went on a hike

through the Grand Canyon this year. And it both sounds magical, and also the temperature at the base of the canyon is even hotter than the top. So it's like you're hiking through 112 degrees. And the things she had to do to stay cool during it, like they had all these like, you had to like get your shirts wet and then wear that.

And they had these like towels you had to wear around your neck to keep you cold. high maintenance, but very beautiful much like Ian Carmel I think that sounds tight man. I like doing the work when you're doing something physical like that You get to like do all that weird shit. I think it's fun taking the great camel pack Thank you staff time for your second pick I want to pick it I didn't realize we're going off the rails I guess with the holes I'm to pick, I didn't realize we were going off the rails against the holes. I'm gonna pick a little rodent hole. Have you ever seen like a little groundhog or a little mouse go down to the hole? Because I feel like underneath there's like a whole little city they have down there and it's like a fun little town

and I want to see it. I was walking up Griffith yesterday and I watched a little, a little hole, a little head go down there and I was like, what's down there? Yeah. I want to know. I like to think it's a full cozy little cottage where there's like a little bed and they have a teaneuk and all that stuff is happening down there. And they have like, it's combined, like they all have like a weird little combination

to the next hole, cause they can all come up whatever hole they want. Right, it's an interconnected city of holes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I love that. The Oregon Zoo had a naked mole rat exhibit and may still have a naked mole rat exhibit, Sean. Still got it.

There it is. And you can see their interconnected series of holes and it's pretty interesting. You can, oh my gosh. The Oregon Zoo had a naked mole rat exhibit and may still have a naked mole rat exhibit. There it is. You got it. Yep. And you can see their interconnected series of holes and it's pretty interesting. You can. Oh, I want to see that. Dogget is sick.

We were at the cottage last week and there's a little chipmunk hole right at the base of the cottage. So my daughter would put little peanuts out there and the chippy would come out and eat them. It was like... Oh, that's adorable. Did you ever have a hamster growing up? I had Kelly and Zach for Saved by the Bell.

Kelly Caposky and Zach Horace. Did you ever see when they'd make their bed, if you gave them a bunch of shit, they'd like burrow down and then they had this little like, they'd have a little soot in there in their little hole, it was cute. I loved it. I mean, getting cozy is like the dopest thing you can do.

Just getting cozy, like get cozy on the couch, get cozy in a little rodent hole. Yeah, yeah. I love to be cozy. cozy. Be cozy right now. Yeah, you look very cozy. You do look the coziest. I'm reading a book in the Redwall series right now, which is about a bunch of brave rodents who start cozy

but then have to go on adventures. And I love it. That's my next project, is I'm gonna write a Brave Mouse book where they're cozy and then have to be on TV. The Fival goes West. Fival goes West. The Hobbit is a story of going from cozy to not have to be nothing. The Fival goes west. Fival goes west. The Hobbit is a story of going from cozy to not cozy

to back to cozy. Back to cozy. It's all cozy. The classic hero's journey. The hero's journey. All you want, you're like, get back to the Shire and get in that tiny little hut and get cozy, bro. Get stoned out of your gourd and put a blanket on.

Your goal in life is to get back to cozy. Yeah. Roden Hall, it's an excellent pick. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. Second pick, I'm gonna pick a wormhole. Now- In outer space? In outer space. Now there's a difference between something else

that might get picked, and that in a wormhole. So a wormhole- You already took the other one. Yeah. Nothing's getting out, baby. Not even light. A wormhole, though, is where they can explain time travel. They're like, if it was real, it's possible. And I guess there are wormholes.

And I just don't understand. It twisted my brain in a pretzel, and I had to watch a little family guy afterwards last night. Interdimensional timelines in the multiverse. Yes. It's a good time to remind people this is the premiere theoretical physics podcast. I watched a little Family Guy afterwards last night because I was like sweating. Interdimensional timelines in the multiverse. Yes. It's a good time to remind people this is the premier theoretical physics podcast. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I think they gathered that on the first two picks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, Wormholes, the idea that you can connect to physical places by folding. You know, when you get like some, you get someone with like terrible hair on like a history show and they're like they take a piece of paper to pencil And they do the thing and you're like, oh, I didn't know time travel was that easy that it could be well And you just poke a radical. I think that's it. I think wormholes are especially theoretical, but what do I know?

I don't know it See, this is why this is where I get sweaty. If this like smartest people think they're real, because they're not saying there's like a gummy, there's like gummy planets or anything. So if these are theoretical, they must be sort of feasible. Right? Did any of that make sense? I blacked that.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm nervous. Totally. I was following completely every step of the way with you. I think I'm nervous. Maybe they're all, they're all theoretical. They're hypothetical. But no one's being like the Transformers are real.

So they're hypothetical, at least in a way where they can justify it. Some people. Who thinks Transformers are real? Some people think so. Tell me right now. I do. You think Marky Mark thinks that was a documentary

that he was in? I think Marky Mark thinks his life is a documentary. Did you see Walbergers? I've seen them in the airport, yeah. Anyway, yeah, wormholes. They, they're, if they're real, come on. I'm going back to eighth grade. I'm gonna do it right this time.

This is part of that shit that makes like me feel afraid and tiny if I think about it too long. Yeah. So we're gonna move to Blair's pitch. You took a male urethra. It's time for your second and third picks. It is a serpentine draft. Yeah, that is me. I did go with male urethra, it's time for your second and third picks, as it is a serpentine draft. Yeah, that is me.

I didn't go with male urethra on the number one pick. That was me. I thought that was a good idea. Next, I'm going to have to go with the keyhole. You want to know why? Because I like being let inside to my cave, OK? If there wasn't a keyhole, I wouldn't be able to get inside my goddamn apartment in which

I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel cozy as fuck, I feel human, I feel incredible. So yeah, I'm gonna have to go with the keyhole for my number two pick. It can also be peered through in an old timey mystery, you know? Like an old Victorian mansion keyhole. Totally. And there's old cool keyholes, those crazy ones. And like... Yeah, I like that.

There's like some Narnia shit behind some of them. You know? That's a fact. You unlock and then you're in another wormhole. Whoa. Damn. Clunk. I'm glad they got rid of the hole,

being able to look through the keyhole thing. Me too. I can see through yours, Sean. And I do all the time, dude. Trying to make me nervous again, huh? And they're all different. It's cool how they're all different. You can't just shove a key in any hole.

Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I do too. Yeah, it's like the wands in Harry Potter. Kind of like a magical keyhole there, yeah. Yeah, only if it's certain things. Anyways, moving on.

You couldn't do a key bump without keyholes because then there wouldn't be keys. You know what? Key bumps are more sensible than doing a line of cocaine. There's too much cocaine. That's all you need. It's enough. A line is absurd. What are people doing with that? It's insane. Crazy.

Who do you think you are doing an entire line of cocaine? No, that's sick. One bump is enough. I thought I was myself about six years ago. I thought I was myself about 30 times six years ago. It's indulgent. It's the party stuff of cocaine. You don't need all that sandwich.

It is indulgent. You don't need it. I remember the first time I saw one, I was so scared. I was at a club in Illinois and someone was like, do you want an orange? I was like, no, I don't need it. I was like, no, I don't need it. I was like, no, I don't need it. I was like, no, I don't need it. I was like, no, I don't need You don't need all that sandwich. You don't need it. You don't need it. I remember the first time I saw one, I was so scared.

I was at a club in Illinois and someone was like, do you want? And it's the first time I'd ever seen cocaine. And I got, you know, when I guess when like in a younger, when you see beer or a cigarette for the first time, you're like, no, no. But I was like 28 and I go, no way, dude. And I, yeah.

You yelled out E- Gads, right? That's what happened. I got caught doing a key bump once and it was so embarrassing. What was that festival, the train and bicycle festival in Colorado somewhere? Oh, the Trinidad thing where you train and train? Yes, I got caught.

I was in, I don't know, I was in a bad place, clearly. And I was in a closet with like three other comedians and we were at like, it was like a free, they had the guy who was at the museum let us go in there and drink and then I snuck up to this closet and I literally had the key like this

and the guy walks in, he goes, are you doing cocaine? And I went, yeah. Bitch. And then he's like, you have to leave. I'm like, yeah, I'll leave. Yeah, I do, I do. I was so embarrassed and I was, yeah. Yeah, bitch. And then he's like, you have to leave. I'm like, yeah, I'll leave. Yeah, I do, I do.

And he was so embarrassed and I was like, what'd you do? I'm like, I got caught doing cocaine in the closet. Yeah, I gotta go. You just gotta wear it. You just gotta wear it. I had a bunch of money, I was like holding it, I'm like, well, I'm not gonna waste it. I'm like, yeah, I am, I have it.

No, my key has a new car scent, so I'm just showing everyone in the closet. If that was happening at a Denver Comedy Festival, I bet I know who gave you the cocaine. Oh, I think you do know exactly who gave me the cocaine, because that is who gave me the cocaine. You know exactly who it was, and yes, that's who gave me the cocaine.

He's also on the bad breath list, I bet. Oh, he might listen to this, he might listen to this. I'm kidding, it was a joke, I'm sorry, you know I'm kidding. You might be right. I'll see you in a month. Keyhole was the pick. Blair, your third pick? Oh. Serpentine. Like the lint roller.

Okay, well my gopher hole pick got ruthlessly stolen. Sorry. That's okay. I'm gonna have to go with a well. I love a well, a wishing well. I just think there's so much tragic and whimsy down there. A lot of genies, witches are down there.

Also you know, a threat of, a lore of children being lost down there. Yeah, I just, I like a well. They have water and they take me to like magical stories. Okay. There was that girl who fell in the well in like the eighties and it was a whole thing. Oh. Jessica, Jessica fell into a well in her aunt's backyard.

The hell Jessica? It was her fault. I imagine it used to happen all the time when there were actual, that was the main source of water everywhere. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Because you get curious, like how far does this well go? Exactly, yeah. What's down there? I don't know if I've seen a non-wishing well. You know, the people have a wishing well in their backyard, not even deep. I've never seen a wishing well. You know, it people will have a wishing well in their backyard, not even deep. I've never seen a wishing well.

You know, like it's a little, like you'll see it on like a cute farm that you go to or whatever. They'll have like a non functioning well. It's just like the architecture of a well. You've seen them. I don't think I've seen one in real life. I wish I had. I don't think I've seen like a deep well

other than of emotion when Sean Jordan gets on stage. You know what one is kind of creepy? The 9-11 one, what'd you call that? Like a deep well, that's that, have you seen that? No. With the 9-11, what happened in New York, that like, hole thing up there. That's eerie, that's an eerie hole.

That one is crazy. The whole, the foundation hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, that hole. You can, walking by the site, the memorial site, you can feel that energy so intensely. Yeah. Like you can feel it from blocks.

Yeah. It's like, it's extreme. Yeah, and that hole, the hole that's in hell, a hole adds on to the feeling of really serious hell. But it also couldn't be anything but a hole. Cause if they put a building there, then there'd have to be like a blimpy sandwich in it or something like that.

You know, it's not gonna be what's there. The way they did it was cool. Well is a good pick. Was that water clean? I guess it's coming from an aquifer underground. So I guess it's like, it's cleaner than not drinking any water. Yeah, totally.

What's an aquifer? Is that like an underground water reservoir? That's right. Like I didn't look it up earlier and tell you exactly what it was? I've been waiting for this day for like 10 years. You're like, I'm gonna send you a text and Blair, like take well,

because I wanna steer the conversation to aquifer and it'll look too obvious if I pick it. I can't just be like, I can't know what an aquifer is. And I'm gonna look like a six year old. Good morning everyone, I know what an aquifer is. I'm gonna look like a six year old. Good morning everyone. I know what an aquifer is. Sean, time for your third pick. My third pick, I'm gonna get a little dirty. Can I get a little nasty?

Please. A little dirty. I'm gonna pick a glory hole. Oh! That's a good one. That's a good one. Okay. I don't know if I've ever seen one.

I've seen, is every hole in a stall a glory hole? Cause I've seen holes. But I don't know if you could fit a bad dude through them. So, you know. I assume if there's a hole in a bathroom, at the side wall, that's a glory hole. The front door, no. Side hole, that's a glory hole.

The front door. Front usually seems like someone busted the locking mechanism out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like John Wick had an enemy that was taking a poop. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Glory hole, I don't know that I've seen a glory hole. And I've been in some pretty scuzzy bathrooms. I've been in the scuzzy ones with you, I think. Yeah. You guys always go to the bathroom together. We do, we hold hands. We do under the stall. We'll use the glory hole to hold each other's hands

while we're being treated for a stall. That's how you guys will have noticed, it's a glory hole. We do a little E.T. finger touch through the glory hole to hold each other's hands. Wow, we need a different stall. Yeah, that's how you guys would have noticed. It's a glory hole. We do a little E.T. finger touch through the glory hole. Oh, is that what those holes are? I thought they were for friendship. They are. They are.

I think you make friends pretty quick. You were just kissing your friends through the, mwah, mwah. So proud of you. Mwah. It is such a fascinating thought. I can't see a world where I would ever walk up and be like, stick my penis into a glory hole,

but I like that there's a world where that is something people do. It's so fun to think about the mystery. And then I just go down this road like, well, if I wasn't married, I'd just, you know, it's so fun back in the day. No, I feel like also it's like, you know, it's usually if you're in a bathroom that has a hole,

if something comes through, something will go around it. So both sides of the wall are ready for the hole. Yeah. It's not like, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, it's not like a bad thing. It's like you're both in there, you know. Yeah, you're not going to catch someone who's like, what are you doing? Like you're the wrong stall.

If I walk in and say, oh, this stall's not for me, I'm moving stalls. How long do you leave it? I don't know. If there's no, you're like, is it like 10 seconds in? And you're like, all right. And then you pull back out, no touch. This is not for me. I'm moving stalls. How long do you leave it? I don't know You're like it's like 10 seconds in and you're like, alright, and then you pull back out no touch Like is there like an etiquette to that part of it where it's like throw it you're going fishing in a lake And it's like no bites. All right You're getting hard first. Are you putting it in hoping it's gonna get hard? That's a great question Well, that's a pretty clear answer. You have to.

That belies that you're never having seen it before. Okay. I mean, it probably wouldn't even go all the way through if it wasn't. If you weren't rocked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta like shoehorn it in. Anyway, glory hole. Sean takes the glory hole, a shocking pick to regular listeners of AFV.

I just wanted to be a little dirty dog. I like it. Be a dirty dog. Steph, time for your third dog. I like it, be a dirty dog. Steph, don't be a third pick. I'm gonna pick a piercing hole. I don't know if you guys have any piercings, but all of mine don't close. So it's weird, I have a lip pierced, because I really liked Tom DeLong in high school.

So I got the classic hoop, cool. And I can still put it back into this day. I find it so bizarre that I have this hole in my face and that anytime like all my ear holes and my like, I have my septum pierced, my nose, and I can just shove them all back in whatever the fuck I want. Like years later. I waited 10 years. I shoved it back in fully open. Wild. Isn't that bizarre? I thought they fused, don't they? I thought they...

I think some people's might, but my holes are just fucking open. I don't know what's going on. I know. Yours was? Yeah. Oh really? Yeah. Oh really fuck. Yeah, I had like other piercing ear Piercings like a bunch of them when I was in like sixth grade and they all closed Well, that's even more interesting some people's holes have your body rejected the hole my body welcomes the holes My body wants the holes

Give me more holes. I'm, what else can I pierce now that wouldn't close? I know, that's cool though. It's bizarre. I've always wanted to know if it hurt her. And I've never had anything pierced, but you would see them at like, Claire's, they do the little ear gun.

Yeah. Kills. And it looked like it killed. That way of doing it fucking kills. That is like- Really? That's the only way I've ever had it. No, my sister pierced her own fucking nose and she was in high school. She's a psycho, she iced it. And then her friends thought it was funny. And she's No, my sister pierced her own fucking nose and she was in high school. She's a psycho.

She iced it and then her and her friends thought it was funny and she's like, and she pierced like three of her friends' noses too. She did her own and three others. Yeah. Like that was a needle. The cartilage really hurts. Like the soft part doesn't hurt, but it just gets really hot.

And then like your nose hurts. The crunching cellulite, the guns are bad. I had it with a needle. The needle, like my septum and my nose were with a needle and it hurts. It's like a stinging feeling. You know, I don't know if I'm, I think I'm the oldest person here, but you guys remember that crying video

with Alicia Silverstone where they like graphically show a belly button get pierced? Yeah. Oh, it makes my butt hurt. When I see something that really is graphic like that, it makes like my deep in my butt hurt. And that- The b-hole. Yeah.

And we all know you love the butthurt and that yeah Mm-hmm Every draft do it doesn't matter what we're driving You wait till the crackers draft third and fourth My third and fourth picks with my with my pick, it's still on the board. I can't believe it. I'm taking the vagina. Woo! Yeah, it's out there.

Let's go! Champion, the champion of all holes. It's up there, it's right up there with the mouth. Here's the thing. When you have a vagina hole, it's love and hate with it. I feel like Blair. I imagine, I imagine. Like the idea of giving birth and the opening and closing, that's crazy what it does, but then when you have like,

you know, a yeast infection or something else down there, you're like, I don't love the hole right now. A heavy period, you're like, this sucks. It's a complicated environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Easily disturbed ecosystem, you know? It really is.

Yeah, you guys don't realize how sensitive it is down there. One little thing, pH off, and it's like, you ruined your whole day. It's wild to think that this is the cleanest that humanity has ever been, too. The way it is right now, this is the cleanest we've ever been. And that's, but the vaginas stay pretty much the same the entire time. Yeah, the vagina's a very sensitive gal. It must have been even more complicated. I was thinking yesterday what, like, people in the middle ages, they must have just been so disgusting.

Like how did they wipe their butt holes? I was thinking this yesterday. With burlap or something. Yeah, it's... I wonder. Disposable. That must have hurt. They probably were using more bidets back then, just like filling up a little bucket and dipping their ass in there. Oh, okay. I hope they were. Alright. I think it was like a very washcloth heavy too. Cause I think about that like in the old west,

or dead wood or whatever, where it's like, man, you're just wearing polyester every second. They use moss, hay, straw, and something called sedge. They use fabrics. Fabrics would be nice. And washing after washing after be nice Then you wonder like how deep or they wash in them corn pops the cereal corn cobs Interesting they did bathe more than people thought like medieval people you always never bathe people they they never bathe. People, they did bathe. They bathe all the time.

They bathe pretty regularly. Bath houses, bro. But anyway, the vagina. It's why, it just, you know, though complicated, absolutely wonderful. None of us would be here without it, unless somebody had a C-section. But even then, I guess you have to have sex.

Still had to go in there, yeah. Yeah, you still gotta get in there at least once. Shout out to the vagina. my second with my fourth pick I'm taking something that wasn't on my list But I thought I heard Blair take it and I was like damn that was a good pick then she picked something even better Than what I thought I heard but I'm taking that second place. I'm taking a whale's hole. I'm taking the blow I'm taking a whale's hole. I'm taking the blow hole. Yeah, I thought she said that too.

The blow hole? Oh, that's a really good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you said whale when you said whale, but I'm taking it. Your loss, my gain, the listener's gain, the universe's gain. Shout out to the whale hole.

Whoa, that's a really cool one. A blow hole, yeah. Yeah, that was a really cool one. You wanna hear something, a bummer? That I barely believe in those. I've never seen it work, and I barely believe they're real You ever seen it happen Like a whale blowhole like you ever seen it go off other than Mario 2 yes

Just saw it like a month ago on a cruise. Yeah, I saw it But I believe you know when you know what I've never seen a moose and I also know that they're real So when you don't when there's something that everyone else has seen and you've never seen it, I stand by that. Yeah, of course it was real. I wouldn't love to see a moose. They don't exist. I was in Alaska, I've been in Canada my whole life.

I don't know how everyone on the planet has seen one except me. They're cool, they're huge. They're huge, what the hell? David Boris saw a moose too. Yeah, they look pretty historic in a way, a little bit. Fuck. I'm on like a moose TikTok now

where I just see people posting moose in water. I'm like, oh wow, where are they? They're big, they're so big and they're so athletic. Yeah, they're gigantic. They're so big, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fucking like defensive ends of the animal world. They're amazing. The whale hole, it's just fun.

I snorkel, I scuba dive, my family will all scuba dive, and snorkel too, and when you clear the snorkel, because when you're underwater it gets filled with water. And when you get up to the top you have to like, to clear it and you feel like a whale, and that's a fun feeling too. That is fun. Yeah.

The whale hole. Sean Jordan. I remember that one, I used to snorkel in my youth, but now never. Do you never snorkel in my youth, but now never. Do you never snorkel anymore? No, no, I prefer to stay in the boat. Well, you gotta go back. You gotta go back to snorkeling.

My adventure was all in the youth. It's calling to you again. You have to get back on the water. Scuba diving is so crazy to me now as an adult. When I was a kid, I was like, wow, that looks so cool. And now I'm like, do you know what's down there? Yeah, it's scary. Oh my God.

It's safer than snorkeling. It's safer than surfing. It's safer than all those things because no animal mistakes you for anything else when you're down there. I guess maybe it's not more safe than snorkeling necessarily because other things can happen when you're scuba diving. But sharks never attack scuba divers for the most part

because you have metal on you and you're pretty Bubbles and they're like that doesn't look like what I eat. So I'm gonna also sharks rarely attack people That's like a big miss cuz they don't attack people a lot Ian they don't do that a lot. We'll see you do your own Staff time for your fourth pick. I'm going to go with the ear hole. Um, classic hole. We love hearing things.

Big music cat over here. Um, and I really love a Q-tip and I know you're not supposed to use them, but you know, when you, when you, when you get a big chunk, I don't know if you guys have ever had a wax build up and you had to go to the doctor and have your ear rinsed out. It's a feeling that it's orgasmic. It really is. Oh God, it feels good. I had like a compacted thing and it was like years ago and I'll never forget it.

One of the best days of my life. And that came out of my ear. Honestly, I'm like jealous. I would like get a compact if I could have the feeling of it being removed. I just think I use a Q-tip at least once a day on both ears. Just a nice little Ah, also do you know that because we all listen to headphones so much, earpods, all the WAFs build up has gone gotten crazy. Like, oh yeah, Deb actually just told me she had to go to a see something and it's because he's like

AirPods are fucking killing us because everyone's shoving them in in the sweat and it's building, building, building. So just so you know. So I get my ears irrigated about once a year. How do you do it? I go into the doctor and they do, they do exactly, it gets impacted. And the doctor says, he's like, it's like in Indiana Jones

when the boulder goes over that, that's what he's like, so this wax goes over your eardrum. When that happens, you can't hear. First time I did it, Ian, well not the first time, but we were at your apartment like 10 years ago. I had to go to Zoomcare. Anyway, does anybody want to see what they just pulled out of my ear about two weeks ago?

I do. Ian and Blair, if you don't wanna see it, would you please close your eyes? I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. No, I wanna see it, I wanna see it. I wanna see it.

Do you have it in a jar? Wow. So to put the thing. You need a size comparison thing on there next time, dude. That's like a quarter. Do you have it in a jar? Wow. So to put- You need a size comparison thing on there next time dude. That's like a quarter. So to put it in perspective, I just, I barely use that, but it looks like if you chewed up a Mento, like a Mento.

Or a pedal. Yeah. So do you never use chew tips? No, never, never, cause they pack it. I have problems. I have tubes. I had tubes twice in my years. Okay, okay, okay.

But so yeah, I got to go do that every year. And it is you get this crazy vertigo when they pull it out and you feel like you're going to pass out because all the, you know, it just messes with your shit. It is the best. And then you just feel like you're you're crystal clear after that. It feels like you took the limitless pill. Have you guys ever done the ear candling? I don't want to get into it.

I did it once. It was felt incredible. This was like 15 years ago. I haven't done it since. It's such an intimate thing. Like I think my boyfriend at the time did it to my ear and it was like incredible. Yeah. Yeah, it is. And I like the sound of the crackling. When they irrigate your ear, it is a weird like like the sound of the crackling. It, when they irrigate your ear, it is a weird, like intimate thing

because they pump in this like hot water right on your eardrum. So it's just like whoosh, whoosh, and it gives you this weird sensation kind of all through your body. And then they pull the thing out and it, oh. That's it. Getting all horned up.

Anything in the holes is really intimate. Yeah, true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holes are intimate. No one's ever put a finger in my mouth at the airport. They are intimate. Holes are very intimate. Holes are very intimate.

Sean, what's your next intimate hole pick? And would you send our listeners on the highest Patreon level an intimate hole pick while you're at it? Yeah, Isaac, that's on you. That's a picture on his floor. Just contact the red leather pussy destroyer. I know he knows something about the holes. He's on you. That's a picture on his floor. Just contact the red leather pussy destroyer. I know he knows something about the holes.

He's got you. You get a hundred grand subscriber on there. I'll put my butthole on there. No face, no case. So I'll just picture my butthole. You owe people already a pint glass of hot sauce and the entire- And Moby Dick. And reading Moby Dick.

We've hit those levels. What an idiot I am. People brought it up to me. I'll, I'm, no. You're not gonna do it. I'm trying to read. I'm gonna, hot sauce is much more feasible than Moby Dick. Anyway, time for my fourth pick. I'm gonna pick the mouth of a volcano. Oh, okay.

That's a good one. Big hole, big interesting hole. When you say that, are you thinking of like those like, like just a stereotypical mountain hole at the top full of lava that, are you thinking of those like, just a stereotypical mountain, hole at the top, full of lava that, yeah, yeah. The textbook, like, cartoon volcano, they're so, we're doing the Mount St. Helens hike on the 9th, Ian, when you'll be recording

Steph infection at 11 a.m. Are you really? That'll be great. Big Torque, Daddy and I are doing the, it's a day hike, it's like 12 hours, but you go all the way up St. Helens. I would do that in a second, yeah and I are doing the, it's a day hike, it's like 12 hours, but you go all the way up St. Helens. I would do that in a second, yeah.

I'm so stoked. It's because you don't need to be all fit to do it. It's not like Mount Hood or something. Anyway, yeah. Volcanoes, just so buck, man. You think about, they just blow up. They're just little zits. They just blow up all the time on Earth.

I mean, it's just crazy that that can happen. Fascinating to me. It's nuts, yeah. That's one that's like, I don't know how much of a hole it actually is in real life, but it probably is. I don't know. I think it's a hole.

That's definitely a hole. Yeah, I got a big list. I don't need to pick it. It's good, plus I gotta go. I have to go to a CAA voice acting meeting. Cool. Woo! Fairly soon. So we'll count it.

I don't think I have a very recordable voice, but here we go. Blair, time for your fourth and your fifth mix. I'm gonna have to go sinkhole, baby. Sometimes shit needs to just fall into an unexpected hole in the earth. And that's the natural God's process. Who doesn't love a fucking sinkhole? fall into an unexpected hole in the earth. And that's the natural God's process. Who doesn't love a fucking sinkhole? Yeah, there was one on this golf course near my parents' house and it looked so gigantic. It's actually scary.

Luckily it wasn't like someone's house. But sinkholes are scary, yeah. They're terrifying. They eat town sometimes, they're crazy. Yeah, they're really like first testament biblical. Yeah. Yes I'm dropping one in the chat of this sinkhole in Guatemala that haunts my dreams First testament biblical look up Guatemala sinkhole Go on go into incognito mode and look up Guatemala sinkhole. Yeah, you'll find the one I'm talking about

Baby, you already hear first. That's right. Yeah, that's my pick. I think First Testament Biblical would be a good name for my next full double disc hip hop album. Yeah, that sounds exactly like you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Holy shit, that's bug. It's an excellent pick, Blair. Thank you very much. And your final pick on the heels of single. Yeah, I'm gonna have to come in hot number five with the swimming pool, okay? If you know me, you know that I am a god damn fan, fanatic for a body of water. And to think that you can just have one in at your own home or on a

hot day, just take a dip. You know what I like? Look, I don't want any of you out there to get any sick ideas, but I love to skinny dip. Makes me feel like God's creation. It is nice. I just did it. It feels good. It makes me feel like a wet seal.

Anyways, I'm going gonna go with swimming pool. I had a lot of nice times in the pool growing up. I like that. I need a friend with a pool. Wait, I have a friend with a pool. So do I. My wife has a friend with a pool. But that's not close enough for me to hit them up

every time I want a pool. One of us needs a pool. Yeah, we do need a pool. Blair. One of us needs a pool immediately. Both of you two have specials coming out. Hopefully you'll generate some incredible revenue from that. And we will have a pool soon. Watch Blair's special on YouTube right now.

Let's get that pool money up. Yeah, and as you guys heard in the beginning of this broadcast with me and Steph talking about those hateful comments, Let's get that pool money up. Yeah, and as you guys heard in the beginning of this broadcast with me and Steph talking about those hateful comments, any positive comments on Instagram clips, on specials are really nice. Oh, they're really nice. And yeah, also, they're welcomed.

I don't know why people have left most of the comments for hate. We'd love a nice comment. And they make them anything at all. They do a lot of help, especially because there's so many mean ones. Like anything, even if it's like the outfit. Anything at all, nice.

Our listeners are exclusively a bunch of sweetie pies, so get in there and leave those positive comments. I know they are, that's why, yeah. And I'm thankful for any bit of shred of niceness. Get in there, you little sweethearts. It's crazy, yeah. Just a nice, anything nice. Sean Jordan, your final pick.

I'm gonna go a manhole, because I think the Ninja Turtles might be down there. That's a good pick. I love the Ninja Turtles. That's a good pick. I always want the Ninja Turtles, and they're hard, if you've ever had to pick one up for any reason, this shit ain't easy.

It's a heavy hole, my friend. It's a heavy hole. You feel pretty dank when you get it. I'm doing a real classic Canadian one here. I'm going donut hole. I'm going to Timbit. I don't know if you guys ever had a Timbit. Wait, that's such a good pick, a donut hole.

Donut hole's nice. That's genius. And they're just perfect to mow. You know, you can go crazy, bite size. Us road dogs, we know if you're ever in Canada, you stop by, you get 20 pack of Timbits. Dono hole's nice and they're just perfect to mow. You're gonna go crazy bite size. Us road dogs, we know if you're in Canada, you stop by, you get 20 pack of Timbits, you have a little snacky snacky, it's nice.

Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely great pick. My final pick, I'm going to take sort of the inverse. It's similar but different. I'm taking a bagel hole. The hole in the middle of a bagel. Oh, okay. Not the substance. Timbit is a thing, They call them donut holes.

I'm taking the hole in the middle of a bagel because I feel like if that wasn't there, it just wouldn't feel the same. It could be also a version of a glory hole. I'm sure somebody fucked it. Oh, someone definitely fucked it, a child. Yeah, the actual holes. The actual holes in the middle of donuts,

they had voodoo donuts back in the day before it expanded and went corporate. I don't mean that negatively, but before it did, they used to have a thing every year where they would have, I forget the title they would bestow upon someone, but whoever could get the most donuts onto their erect penis won like a year's supply of donuts. Wow, I can't believe they went corporate after that.

Somebody got more than one? Yeah. Or was the winner just one? Okay, well, nubby, nubby over there. Yeah, that's no. John's like, wait a second, this is not up. Donuts are pretty thick, dude. Aren't they not?

Even if I use a shoehorn, I can't get more than one on there. A fritter's out of the conversation entirely. Yeah, dude, people get like seven, eight donuts on, something crazy. That's almost too many. That's too much. People with hogs. What, they let Thanos enter the contest?

It was Thanos, big Thanos dick. That is the final pick. I have to go, so I'm gonna wrap it up real quick. Blair, you went first. You took the urethra, the keyhole, the well, the sinkhole, and the swimming pool. John, you went second. You took the butthole, the wormhole, the glory hole,

the mouth of the volcano, and the manhole. Stepped to all of you and third, you took the mouth, a rodent hole, a piercing hole, an ear hole, and a donut hole. I went last and I took a basketball hoop, the Grand Canyon, a vagina, a whale's blowhole, and the hole in the middle of a bagel. We wanna hear your picks.

Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter, AllFantasyPod all fantasy podcast, gmail.com. Shout out to everyone. The AFE Patreon, the AFE, the AFE subreddit, shout out to super producer Isaac Lee on the ones and to shout out to Saint Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the dude. Shout out to how'd you beat some more important than all of that. Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity. Sure. ["Fantasy Everything Theme Song"]

That was a hate gum podcast.