All Fantasy Everything - Holiday Traditions (w/ Shane Torres)

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

Feliz Navidad to those of you who celebrate. Feliz jueves to those of you who don't.Guest:Shane Torres (@shanetorres)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. brand new episode of all fantasy everything, boys and girls, and everyone in between. This is all fantasy everything, the podcast, where four very special boys. Fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of popular culture. Well, I've heard a rumor that on today's episode, their fantasy drafting holiday tradition. Shut up, Santa. I'm sick at him talking to me like a pervert. Yeah, dude.

I shot him with a shotgun. You hear me cock the shotgun? Yeah, I heard it. Well, anyway, on today's episode, our guest is Shane Torres. How do you like that? That's quite a gift. Look under your trees. Check your stockings.

Find that Hanukkah present that fell behind the menorah because it's over now. Hanukkah's over. How was it? Well, as of this recording, it's still happening. But as of the listening, it's over. It's been great so far. We'll talk about it more.

This is Arte's first Hanukkah, huh? Sort of. He was alive for the last one. He was born and around Thanksgiving. That's right. Yeah. He did a year. He just did a year.

He was at Rikers for a year. He was in Pelican Bay, John. Come on. Yeah. I got to put some money in his canteen. Right from the hospital. like, let's get him started early. Let's just sort of get a head of there.

Happy hotica, Hardy. There's 20 bucks for cigarettes. Let's not a year off before he's going to remember it. I'll tell you this. Just went to the, just took him for a checkup, his one-year checkup at the doctor. 98th percentile on height. Let's go. It's really, no. It's keeping, you're keeping it going.

Max is 100. Because you got a freak gene, right? I got a freak gene. Like, compared to just like your immediate. The rest of the family, everybody pretty. standard height. Nobody's really, like, short, but they're all pretty standard height. You are hella taller than everyone in your family. Yeah. Hella taller. And Artie Carms is trending along my time. Also, Dana, taller

for a woman, but not really tall. Pretty standard. Right. Yeah. Her family's standard height, if I remember, too. Yeah. Pretty average. Her dad's kind of tall, right? And we're not crazy. I mean, a little bit. For a Jew. That's what I bet. Yeah. You got to spell it out for him on a holiday. You mean he stands up straight. For a Jewish guy. That's a wild thing to say, John. I'm five, seven, but five of that is business.

It's all business. Seven inches of pleasure. Five feet of business, seven inches of pleasure. That's a good, like, I'm divorced Tinder. Is there a good I'm divorced Tinder? I don't know. It's probably, it's got to be something. I mean, there's some entertaining one.

I don't know if they're good yet. Isn't there like a divorce debt? There's not a divorce app? Yeah, all those women are going to that. Oh, my God, does he have three kids he doesn't talk to? I could really use another one of those. We get them together with my three kids that I don't talk to. We get sort of.

We can write a classic 70s sitcom. Just sort of a Brady bunch where everyone's looking down at their phones in the boxes. What's that head size? He's trying to show him Led Zepplin. Max got a big head. What's a head size? 75th percentile on head. So no, probably not going to be a movie star.

How old are they when they stop? Hey, I'm going to go crazy. How old are they when they stop measuring you compared to everyone else? When does that happen at the doctor? I still ask my doctor. Hey, what percentile for a height? He's like, I don't know. 60, 70?

You're pretty tall, though. It's cold outside today, doctor. Let's talk about your cholesterol. Yeah. You got my sperm count, right? If you had to put a number on it. They should throw the percentage in there, though, too. No, they're telling us all the bad.

Well, I don't want it. Occasionally. They should have told me when I was like, hey, your fucking blood pressure is out of control, dude. Plus side. Yeah. You're in the, you're like in the 95th percent of high. I've been like, oh, yeah. It's not all bad news for guys.

There should be a little medicine that comes with it, like a little sugar, yeah. Yeah, they don't really give you. Or they should tell you your good numbers. I want the good numbers, dude Give me the good ones Where am I call of duty wise? That's probably not a good one Last time I got a blood

A blood panel Which was not that long ago The doctor was like It's actually surprising You're very healthy I had one of us I had one too Like I had a doctor

I literally had a rush I was doing it as a bit But I had a Russian doctor Go you are surprisingly Not pre-diabetic Oh they want They want to put that on your jacket It hits different

When it comes from When it comes from a Russian guy If you got a 2XL, they're trying to put that D on your jacket for sure. Did I tell you guys about when I went to the doctor, the nutritionist and told them I was on TV for no reason? Did I tell you about that? How did that come up?

I didn't. Oh, you guys have a TV? I'm going to be on one soon. I know sometimes you guys check for TB. Now, what do you know about TV? I have tuberculosis. She said something. She's like, all right.

Let's go. Nice, dude. So she goes, she goes, what are you, like, what's your job like? I was like, I'm a comedian. I'm on the road a whole bunch. And then I, this is all one, one, me talking. I go, I was on the, I'm on the road a whole bunch. I was on the late, late show a few years back.

A few years back. As I'm saying it. It'd be what's funny. If you said it after, she was like, we really got to check out your cholesterol. And you're like, I'm on TV. I've been on TV. She couldn't, I've never seen someone care. less about something someone said.

I mean, it was, and it was for no reason. You're talking to someone with a real job. God, it was funny. You also tried to, you told it, it was the show, too. Like, we have to take some of the blame for that. Like, you tried to tell someone with a doctorate about the show that does carpool karaoke. Oh, like, they don't watch carpool karaoke. No.

Some doctors watch. You watch carpool karaoke. I'm standing up. Get that needle out of my own. I know what you watch. Come down from your ivory tower. I'm in the hundred percentile for height. lady i'm in the hundredth percentile for rage right now ma'am i saw you crossing the street you were

you were doing a musical number you watch us go give me some cupcakes i'm not going to eat that broccoli you write down whatever you want she has broccoli in the room yeah she has broccoli too she's sending you home with the prescription they bring it in they're like this is what broccoli looks like there's it all right here's so here's enough for the day you're going to need to go to the store and fill this prescription for broccoli they pull out a little vacuum pack an astronaut broccoli take this that sounds like weed for sure dude that's a really good term for weed

that's amazing we might need to start a weed company astronaut broccoli I think I think everybody could do Sean's been on TV Trump's really loosening it up too oh that's right your guy I told you he's a good guy really

Shane tells the other good stuff he's doing yeah what happened well Sean has 47 on his hat on the side of this hat which is the number of presidents that Trump is. So let's just keep that in mind. You told me the hat brand. He loosened up some court.

I didn't read the article. I think he's lowering the classification of marijuana. Essentially, it's like, I think he's either going to make it legal or make it less criminal. Federer. Yeah, yeah. Wait. So Shane's out here caping for Donnie Booboom. Is that what I'm hearing?

I'm hearing some honey coming out of that mouth. All right, astronaut, broccoli. Yeah. That was a good idea. What else was a good idea? January 6, Sean. Getting married was a good idea. Is she with an ear shot?

Yeah, she's right out there. Nice. She's out there. She's out there. Remember that the amount of times over Zoom that you guys just saw her mowing then lawn. I'm at work. How loud are you willing to say Mondo Boner? Mondo Boner.

Mondo Boner. I can say it because the cats don't care. Yeah. They never even seen one. I can say it because I'm in Charleston in Marriott Courtyard. Everyone here has them. Are you a Bonvoy member? I'm a Bonvoie man, yeah.

Yeah. I got to pull the trigger, man. I've not done it of so many times. I'm in all of them, but I'm a bond boy. That's where I prefer to go. You got to say that at coffee shops and stuff. If somebody put a gun to my head and was like, who, which of your friends is a Marriott Bonvoy member?

I would either pick you or Ivan Carmel because he's also a big I love that you refer to your father as a friend He's a friend of mine Hey we all are because in Pittsburgh Shane you're pre-diabetic And what does that mean if I'm a Bonvoy member

That would be Showing your doctor No no no doctor I can't be I can't I don't I'm off the I'm off Medicaid but I am a Bonvoy Now I may be pre-diabetic but I am post Bonvoy

Remember when we got in the Bonvoy Lounge? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. We're all bond boy members because we had to sign up in Pittsburgh to get in the M Club. That's what it was, the M Club. Yeah. For yogurt, baby, yogurt and Sprite. Some really cold oranges. And that dude, who was that guy in the elevator?

Oh, the guy who was like, I go here all the time. Yeah, we're like, what's going up in the M Club? He's like, oh, I wouldn't worry about that. It was something like that. And then you find out it's yogurt and Sprite. Yeah. Yeah, it is kind of just a mini fridge with a couple of different kinds of snacks in it. Yeah, but that's all the other room and show business is.

Yeah, that's true. It's all just another mini fridge room. The deli lounge is just a mini fridge. Well, it depends on where you're going these days. Well, New York and L.A. got some pretty good fucking Delta Lounge. The Tokyo is hopping. Oh, wow. I'll tell you this.

The Tokyo is top tier. Have you guys been in the Delta? Have you been in the Delta One lounge yet? Raman. Oh, I've been to the Delta one. I saw Ronnie Chang in there. Yeah. I got short ribs.

No, I haven't. I ordered up to menu. Yeah, they have a full-on restaurant. I had Chautchuka. Sean, turn your camera off for this place? Thank you. Go on. It's no his dumb fucking face there, though.

Yeah, Sean, can you change that? I still look exactly like that. Sean, can you change you to a picture of short ribs? You don't look different from that. You look exactly like that. You look like that guy needs a new glass of water. Like, that's what you look like now. That guy was like the best I've ever looked.

And I'm saying now, this guy. That's how you look. Yeah, you look like that guy. Yeah. We are recording over Zoom. Traditionally, we are in person now. But we're over Zoom because Shane Torres is in Charleston, South Carolina. That's right.

I'm out here. Out here. Is that the South Carolina? Nobody talk. Let them. Let them take you the set. Sir some tiggis, so I can't do it. I could do it if I wanted to, but I don't contender.

And another thing. That statue means a lot of things to a lot of people. I'll be staying in this voice all goddamn day if I fancy. I got to go see the world's oldest oak tree later. That's a thing. Pretty sick. Yeah, it is. I'm going to climb on it, even though they've asked me

nod to already. You're going to go piano with your big old Texas dick. That's right. I'm going to say, welcome to the nation. And then I'm going to urinate. We open your show tonight.

Tell them your bond boy member. We do that. Yeah. No context. Yeah. Have the hosts bring you out. I'm a Mary up as a bond boy member. I guarantee you I will do that.

Yeah. In New Orleans, I had the host bring me up. They said, do you want a credit? I said, tell him I have a gun. Yeah. He did it. that's Sean Jordan right there

Sean Cougar Mell and Jordan on Instagram I'll be in Seattle I think next week the second and third I'll be at last comedy stop last comedy club so come on out what are you hoping you got for Christmas

so this is airing on Christmas I made a list this year like a legit I put I put everything body wash body wash to like a pseudo game boy on there so runs the gamut in price. Like an emulator? Guy, one of those things, it's like 200 bucks.

It's got like 20,000 games on or whatever. I think trying to look at ways to help for flights. But there's a sweater that I really hope I got, a little Vulcum sweater. I like, I want some plain, like no design, every kind of color socks. David inspired me with his polo socks. Ian, this is before you turned into the polo guy.

David used to be the polo guy before. Oh, I had a lot of polo socks. Yeah. I have a lot of color. I have a lot of the socks of many colors, though. but I want like play like all red all yellow all blue all green you know what I mean I hope I got the cool I hope I have some too by now yeah that's I don't know love you know yeah family time Isaac is wearing polo yeah he is where we'll say I will say as as per

usual I have the same jacket it's very nice it is a nice looking jacket you got to get involved in the Ralph Lauren game dude um I'm still working on my big pants trying to kind of hone them in. We're pulling you in. I'm going to get you one of those sweaters with a bear on it. And the bear is also wearing a sweater. I'm really close to getting one of those

once a month. I go to Macy's all the time. I'm in Macy's probably four times a week. Are you really? I walk around the mall a bunch. I always go through Macy's. Are you a doctor's wife? What is going on?

You do look at this stuff. You're like, who's buying this gown? I need a reindeer that's also like a A scoop, a wooden spoon that's also in the shape of a reindeer's head. I'm walking by the Levi's shirts like, one of these days. I'm going to spend $70 bucks on that shirt. Yeah. Yeah.

You should. You should get a little Levi's shirt. That's not a lot of money for a shirt for a good shirt. Yeah. No, I like a denim shirt too. I want a denim shirt. I didn't put it on my list, but I want a denim shirt. Sean, can I make a suggestion?

You saw me wearing a denim shirt probably. Chamboree? I got a, I got a good denim shirt. I think you guys saw me wearing a denim shirt. I feel like you might have a denim shirt. guy at this point. Yeah, you might have a dude. I might. But there's a place company called Ballen Buck. They're based out of Boston. How's Ballen spelled? Is it and or in? Are they a Macy's affiliate? I like to go to Macy's a lot. You would like it. It's like they do

like hunting wear and stuff, but they do really nice shit. They have good denim stuff. Like you should check it out. You would like it, honestly. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I will. He's not going to. No, he was. He's not going to. Almost 100% guarantee he's not going to. Yeah. I go to these sites. She's getting Sergio Tachini sweatsuits. Whoa, now that's a move. I got some Sergio Tachini Nike's. Sometimes I say stuff and your face doesn't move at all. I don't know what did it?

I said that on stage last night to an audience of 100. Sergio Tachini sweatsuits or sometimes I say stuff in your faces don't move. What should you say? Charleston comedian slash Bonboy member has. a meltdown at Wits End Comedy Club because nobody laughed at a goddamn thing. How many Wits End Comedy Clubs have there been?

I bet you there's been a grip. 100 plus because that's also an international term. That's like a British place called. The laugh stop. That's another, yeah, like that. Yeah. Which is also what happens when you go on stage. Somebody's in the back.

Someone's got a little free time on their hands has been back into the stand-up game. recently the New York Times called me one of the greatest living joke writers so just keep that in mind when I say laugh stop stuff like that they say living yes jeez I have the quote here hold on you just pull your shirt up I have the quote of my rib cage in the belly locker yeah he tattoos the hyperlink hold on it's right here yeah if you click on it I say exactly what the quote says oh like it's so fuck David Bori is here. Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram. Where can people see you? And what do you hope you got for Christmas this year?

I'm here. It's hard. I don't really, everybody's remarking this year of all years that I'm hard to shop. I don't know, man. I'd like some be cool to get a new hat.

Yeah. Some socks maybe. Oh, I'm on a book lamp that you put on a book. Oh, I love a book. so you don't have to keep the light on at night. God. We are getting older.

You want to read your spookies? We are getting old. Sean wants new socks for the plane. You want a book lamp? David's reading The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I am. And you got to put in night hours on that. I've been putting in all free time.

It's all hands on deck. How long is that book? It's like 500 or something. It's not insane. Just got to figure out what's. What's insane? If 500 is not. insane.

What's insane? Natasia, Yappa. A thousand page book. That's also a problem. I say all their names wrong in my head because I say it the fastest way I can read it. So like, what's her name? The name is like Natasia Yapapova or something like that. What I'm calling it, Tasi.

Tasi. I like that. Mitchin. Nastassia, Philippa. Philopova. That's how I'm saying it is Filipo. Parfion Semyonovitch, Rogajin. Yeah.

For America, these should get trained. translated too. I was saying Rikosian. His name should be Eric Begossian. And he does that thing. Yeah, that's not the easiest one

either. He does that thing where like he'll say their whole name and then he'll say their last name but then he'll go sometimes I guess in Russian they say the first and middle name. So you have to remember you're like

oh he's talking about he's talking about the general or he's talking about the prince or his general epinection or whatever. But it's cool, man. Do you picture when you're reading a book. Does the scene

exist in your head? Like, you imagine it? Not as well as it was when I was younger. Like when I was younger, I would read the description of a room or whatever and be able to kind of like parse it out in my head. And now I found it's not as good. I'm trying to make myself do it more actively

when I read because otherwise my eyes will just skip across, you know, like I'm reading it. I'm taking information where I don't picture it and then I feel like I don't retain it. That's too much more. Like I don't do that. But like some of the devil with the details. If you can do it for everybody poops, then Ian can do it for whatever. John, you just referred to using your imagination as too much work.

While I'm reading. And they literally say what it looks like. These clouds should already be in the shape I want them to be in. They tell you what's happening. They're like it's a small flat with six or seven rooms, three rooms next to each other. And you're like, I'm trying to be better about it. I got to stop to do that separately. As a kid, that was why reading felt like movies and shit to me, you know?

Yeah. See, no. I could, I cannot. That sounds like so much work. Well, I was grounded a lot. So there was a lot more. It was a lot of reading over TV as a kid. That happened when I was reading the source in ISS.

With pictures? You're like, I wonder what Little Kim's bathroom looks like. I'd be like, I could picture me in that Iniche. Or no, you said it's not Aniche. What is it? NYC. NYC. God.

Oh. It's okay, Sean. Of all the things, Welcome to all this, everything. Are we starting over? No, I'm kidding. I just, the NYC thing he told me the other day.

That's right. That's all right. I've derailed it. David, keep on. No, that's it. All right. Any dates? No.

That's a boy. That was so serious. You're just like, no, I don't know. No, fuck all that and listen. Don't ask me dumb questions. Shane Torres is here. We're in a hood, I think. I didn't have, it's the best, I don't have a hat.

It's the best I could do right now. What do you hope you got for Christmas? Where can people see you? I am, I'm hoping I'm hoping I get something. Yeah. Oh, God. God damn. God fuck.

Actually, I know I'm getting, I'm getting something life update. You're pretty sure your boy has a girlfriend now. Oh, yeah, let's go. Hold on, you're pretty sure. Yeah, I don't know. We'll see. I'll tell you this, Ian, you remember, like, six years ago before you were married and you were like, my schedule was a house of cards 365 days a year. Yes.

Yeah, I feel like whatever this is, is a house of cars. It's going to hold up. It's good. It's good. She's lovely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, we put a dollar amount on, since it's so new, we put a dollar amount cap on what we're allowed to get. What's the cap? Yeah. What is it? 50 bucks. Easy. Oh, okay.

That's reasonable. It's 40 for the secret Santa I'm doing. What's with the, what's with the, what's with the pushback on this? I'm going to need you go up to 100 on that, dude. You can't go up to 100 when you already? Well, can I tell you what I did? You guys want to know what I got her? Yeah.

Yeah. She's on a gift card. For Apple to her. She's on your highest Patreon level. You got her a bunch of stuff. stuff off your website. No, that's you giving away shit as Christmas guests for your...

As an add-on to what I got them already. Oh, you did do that. I threw in an AFE shirt. I already hit the limit and threw it an AFE shirt. Yeah. Shut up, Ian. I don't say anything. I'm going to give out a sign header. I was the one person who didn't say anything. Shut your hat up.

I'm going to give a signed poster for this secret Santa I got on Saturday. In an eye shot? That's real. You walk in with a Boyce and Comedy Central sweatshirt on. Yeah, no big, no big. Who put in the birth of a nation poster? I don't know, pretty good gift.

That's sick, though. I already have a good gift. Yeah, yeah. I can't have that. What did you get her, Shane? So she likes those, you know those like Biscoff cookies? Oh, yeah. That you get on a flight.

I bet they're playing, yeah. I got her, she loves those. So I got her a box of those. You've been saving them for a year from your Delta. I do bring her one every time I fly That's cute That's cute You should keep that good

I have a companion certificate So wherever I go She can come on a trip with me So yeah That's the Biscoff cookie Yeah you had to use those You had to use those I got a million of those

You got to use them You have to use those You're giving her a companion fair Like meaning like We are going to go somewhere together It's a trip The implication is like I will Are you going to get the hotel and all that stuff?

Yeah, yeah, it's like, yeah, but I'm going to give her the Biscop cookies and be like, oh, this is the, like. Are you giving her $50 worth of Biscoff cookies? It's more than that. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a humorous amount. Okay, yeah, yeah, that's very fun. That's cute. Also, hey, hold on, everybody clear out. I'm about to fucking dunk, dude.

Hold on. Play the lane. By the way, the way you sat, seem like you were about to go shit. I'm about to go fucking ape, dude, let alone shit. If you're driving right now, maybe pull over to the side of the road, find a safe spot, especially with holiday driving conditions, weather, people may be imbibing a little bit too much. You're going to want to find a safe space before I do this joke. If you're with family, maybe call them into the room.

Maybe gather some people in the room. The loony bed. A loony bit. Kid friendly joke. By the way, kid friendly joke. Especially if you've got a clever little kid. Also, if you have not been keeping up just with political goings on in the last year or so, you might want to do a quick refresher.

I'm not talking about a deep dive. I'm not asking you to do that, but just like, oh, what have been the major themes in the news this year? With the frigging tariffs, that might be one cookie. Oh, oh, ho. Oh, no. He's on fire. Oh, no. Slam, jam.

Thank you, ma'am. If you're listening to this podcast, stop right now and go watch Avatar. It's a better. It doesn't have your time. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's just a little bit of like, sometimes you've got to touch the sun, dude. I forgot about the tariffs till you said it.

We got to back up the dump Trump, huh? Yeah. A lot of people call him Trump. Tara Riff is more like it. Way to go, Ian. That was really fun. I cannot pretend it was a riff. I did write that anticipating some way to work it into the conversation.

Now we're worried about terror-riff threats. Yeah. What's the terror-riff level? I don't negotiate with terror-riffs. The terror-if. Guys, please stop riffing on my, please stop riffing on my joke. I'm sorry. I thought I forgot it was Christmas.

It's just mine. David looks so grand with all the Venetian blinds behind just your head. Yeah, I didn't really start planning for lighting. Maybe. They're not watching the video. It looks like a poltergeist just trying to break through your wall. Coming to see you, Dr. Bond.

And you can catch me at Helium Comedy Club. Christmas week, the day after Christmas, 26, 27, 28. You know who's opening. He's a real scumbag. He's on this podcast. Good looking guy? Good looking guy opening for you? Yeah, one of my ex-girlfriends called you a handsome man

and you've never forgotten it. what I said. I was like, don't let this new girl see a photo your boy because she going melt.

My father. Your father sent me a kind of aggressive text message. Yeah. What did he say? Hey, Shane, don't fuck this up.

He said, she going to melt. He said, he bought tickets for a show where we already have family plans. So did he ask you

for free tickets to the late show? No. Or demand them? Is he going to be in the green room? Oh, yeah. Just bought two tickets to your 7 p.m. show on the 26th because you need the money. Will you have Ian open? Who will be in town as your mystery opener? That's so funny. So two things coming across the board right now. He's going to need a ticket to the 930 show.

Okay. All right. And you're going to need to let me do a guest set. And those are two, I'm not asking. Ivan's telling. All right. Sure. Okay. I'll be at that laid show. show fresh off karaoke so probably pretty drunk yeah okay i can't wait for that that's the friday show and sean will be there the only person missing are david and isa come on i haven't also asked that i'm not going to be there uh we can make that happen okay right yeah long as as long as that money doesn't get affected i won't show up all week i don't want to see shane even a little bit yeah i want those notes shame come over and see max come all the way out to happy valley oregon almost I do love coming in doing a drunk guest set, you're a little more reckless.

Yeah, the absolute best. How much damage can you do in seven minutes? Yeah, exactly. Let me fire off this new one I haven't tried yet. You'd be surprised. Sean, you do have to get a little condo closer into town for visits. Yeah. A Piet de Tere in the city you live in?

I have one. All right, baby. Okay, yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah. My name is Ian Carmel. So go see Shane of Helium in Portland. What a beautiful, what a, what a, I'm excited to be back in the town for a few. And I'm staying for a few days, so we'll see.

Yeah, yeah. A few of us will be there. It's going to be nice. Are you staying for New Year's? I think so. Yeah, I'm going to stay. I leave on the first. So, yeah, I am saying.

So yes, you are. Yeah. Let me, let me answer that for you. Yeah. Oh, Helen, Hank is gone, making use of her place again. Like, I'm still in my 20s. The Vank Bank. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. God, I love that one. I have no dates. A wonderful woman. I have no dates. I have received several Hanukkah gifts. Nice. What was your favorite one so far?

I've gotten some great ones. My wife caught me some really good headphones to plug into my record player. Well, to plug into a headphone amp. Oh, she started hearing your shit. I asked for them because I was like. You have a music chair yet? No. Okay.

Hey, what night of Hanukkah do you get the best gift? There's no. Like, is there like a Xbox night? There's not. I will get into this. Hey. Hey, gorgeous. Hey, Maxine.

Hey, Maxine. Hi, Max. Hi, Max. Do you want to say hi to everybody? Say hi. No. She doesn't want to say hi. Sorry.

She's going to take her, so she just wanted to say. What about just to me? She can't hear you, but she kind of whispered that she doesn't like the cut of your jib. She also just learned that phrase by looking at you. Well, it's good. You've already turned your daughter into the Marlborough man. Cut of your chib. So cute. I love you.

Oh, I don't want to go to daycare either. No. Do you want to go to daycare? Thank you. I love you. She does. Isn't it? Hold on. Hold on. I'll go grab my boy real quick. Are you going to go get Nampa? Isn't it like such a relief that you never have to go to school again? Do you ever think about that?

Yeah, regularly, actually. Yeah. Like that you're just like, I think about that. I think about that a lot. I never have to see Miss McCormick again. Yeah, no more school, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks. No, yeah, the, uh, I'll go fuck myself. One of the cool things is, um, you get to, I didn't hear it.

Gabe, can I tell you right now? It looks like you're floating out into space. You're so far away. All right, I'll come in. I'll come in. That's what I'm saying. I was too comfortable. I was too comfortable.

I get it. It was like we're floating in all I could see was a star behind you. You can't be self-conscious about that hat. I love it. Yeah, I think it's a short film. I think it looks really good. No, going to having the kid, though,

you get to go to school functions and stuff. Do you like that? Yeah. Right now I do. It's like a time, like she's not in real school yet, but just going to school. is that's fun you get to go I don't know it's like a like a time machine kind of

did you love going to school I didn't I loved it I didn't not like it as much as most people I love school yeah I love learning I don't know I just like all that I like going and chilling and like showing off clothes and stuff like showing the jerseys I stole

you're doing that now like that I know lucky me this is your this is your school yeah I don't mind at all I I I like everything in school like flying I like everything except being on the plane I liked

everything in school except being in the classroom you go there the main reason I'm there is the one thing I didn't like but everything else was fun like chilling beforehand going to school listening to you know what were we listening to like Wutang forever and all eyes on me those were big Pete Montaguello's whip

blue blue Ford probe pulling up one time Chris White jumped a driveway on the ride to school that was dude those rides to school got reckless sometimes. Yeah, when people just got cars. Yeah. You factor weed in when people figured out that, oh, wait, I can try this before school. Twice.

I did that. Horrible, wretched idea. He's back. Okay. He started asking how much you paid and stuff and it kind of won. Well, he's sag now, right? He sag. Yeah. So he's like, is this union? I can't. Dad. Is he AFTRA, too?

He sag after. Yeah. Can you just be SAG and not be after? No. You got to be both, right? It's United New, it's one body. Do you think you could come on after his nap? Oh, after. Oh, okay. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. He was

full nude, and it was taking a while to get him dressed, so. Is he a squirmie dresser? He's getting squirmy now. Yeah. It's hard to put clothes on kids, and then you're just like, it's so easy when I do it. Yeah. Check this out. This dude I know used to be I got that shit down. no keep going

I'm not forced and stop I don't want to force things anymore I feel bad I wouldn't A buddy used to be a We don't He didn't put clothes on his kid really He was like a

The kid's naked Like as a natural A naturalist Yeah like he just Not at the mall or whatever But just in general Like at the crib for example He wouldn't have clothes on the kid

Sure We were to barbecue And the kid was just on his shoulder And took a dump on the and it went on to this dude's back. That's fun. And he just left it, but he just left it like animal style.

And I'm like, it's okay to clean the poop. Was it a streak or a smear? All like a, just like a bird. Yeah, what kind of bagel wasn't. Did you leave the poop on the ground?

It wasn't a solid poop. So it was enough to like just stick on his back. It was like a line of poop. Is this a theory or was this guy a bad father? He's not my buddy. He's just a dude, I know. Now he's not your,

now he's not your buddy. Now he's not your buddy. Now we beefed over a girl back in the day. I was naked a lot as a kid, too. I was pretty clothed. There were a lot of people around. Pretty close. Hmm.

Isaac? I was very close. That was very close. Do I have any dates coming up? No, come to come to sports drink. See us at the sports drink festival. That's it. Yeah.

I cannot wait. I can't wait. I'm so excited. and then that's it all my other dates are like I'm doing a couple corporates watch which nobody can come to

we'll have people to come I guess we will have live dates next year watch the Golden Globes oh they have a podcast now right podcasts are nominated in the Golden Globes not AFE snubbed well I hope it's some famous actor

that started a podcast and now they get nominated for a Golden Globe I think it's probably because I work on it that we got snubbed. I have to imagine. Otherwise, we would have for sure

been... They snubbed rogan, too. Yeah, us and rogue. So they're like, they don't like free thinkers. Mm-hmm. Truth tellers. Sears.

Believers. Watchers. People who reach into the dark grab a truth and wrestle it out no matter how much it fights. Warrior mentality, not just a guy who lifts weights.

People who put plates up, dude. I'm a warrior poet. Alpha. Alpha shit. Just like alpha shit. And beta shit, dude. Speaking of putting up plates, your boys finally back in the jizzing.

Yeah. Where do you? L.A. Fitness. What do you bench? I haven't even, I just stuck up last night. I haven't even gone in yet. It's gone down, though. I know it's going to.

None of that sounded like a number. So what do you bench? Oh, I mean, I don't know, probably like 315. Woo! That's so sick. You think you can get a 315 right now? Are you serious? Hmm.

Jesus, you are strong. Shane Shane doesn't believe it No I think that's all I heard All I heard is I'm not saying that I'm saying that's an insanely high number If you're not working out Shane

Shane had to stop himself from saying I don't know if I could I've been in the gym Literally every day And I'm ripping Well yeah but you gotta work out Is that right You're just going

Yeah That's enough right He's like you at school Like he likes to hang and chill But he doesn't He gets really drunk for I just stand outside of the classroom like what are you all doing in there no no that's cool though I'll catch up with you after that bell yeah no no I bet 285

I bet 285 I rep a a 45 and a 25 on each side to the point where I don't even know how much that is less than 225 that 185 that's 1805 that's 185 yeah and that's for reps so you figure for one you could at least go 30 40 pounds more I'll tell you if it's less than it used to be. Well, you're also, you're also, you're also, less than you used to be. I am less than I used to be in every single way.

Yeah, there's less size on you. That makes sense. Come to friggin' sports drink. Friggin. Frigin come. We're going to be there. It's going to be fun. The lineup is insane.

Yeah, it's crazy. March 19 through the 21st. That's right. I don't have any other dates. I don't really have any, just like, listen to all fantasy or everything and be wonderful to each other. I got, what other good, Dana's really good at getting gifts. She got me a Miles Davis t-shirt that I really like.

I'm a jazz. I'm a big jazz guy. I'm, I'm really worried Alana went crazy because we went to the, we went to the store and she was like, I have to get six things for your gift. And I was like, I don't. You're like, I got 10 fingers, so I don't have six things now. Which store? No, like, wrapping things. Oh, oh.

She had six wine bags. And I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck that guy. how many pieces are you're a big wine guy can I ask what you got her can you tell her I'm going to the mall today I think I was just going to get her like a couple alo sets that's what is that

the athletic brand oh like a set she's all excited because she got that's nice yeah she's all excited because she got that solid core hoodie I guess she's in that colt and then they had like a thing where you have to do a certain amount of classes in a certain amount of days

and you can get a hoodie and then now all these girls online are going crazy about the hoodies. It's like a buffaloing challenge. Yeah. It's just like that.

Yeah. It's like a buffalo jewelry. It's a big Christmas. First one after the, I got the big jewelry this year. That's true. I got the ring, remember? You're talking about that death row.

And then the other ring. Is she a jewelry person? A little bit. Not crazy. I also, there's a couple of perfumes. I know she likes that she doesn't have I don't know I'm just walking around

trying to see what I'm gonna you're gonna go are you going kind of like smorgasbord approach yeah yeah a lot of a lot of different stuff and not one crazy big thing yeah I'm going straight up to the mall yeah yeah I like that shopping you're on the side of tail with the good mall too I love going to the mall at Christmas

it's fun I'm excited too I'm gonna get like some kind of eggnog themed drink oh coquito yes do they I this is California buddy all right to cocaine out here cocaine out here coquila yeah when you just go get yourself a treat

walk around see if anything jumps out at you yeah that's the thing and you're not broke holy cow yeah that's a good feeling I can kind of make bus whatever move I want

so it's nice to not get what's your policy on getting yourself something do you feel bad if you're like out shopping for other people and you're like I kind of want this hoodie

I get myself enough stuff during the year also because I've been losing weight I feel like I'm buying clothes every three weeks. So that's, dude, enjoy that, enjoy that, though. Like, if you are and you see something you like and you want to look good in it and three weeks later, it's a little big on you, who gives a fuck? I say, I go the other.

I say you got to hold off on the, on the pieces. Yeah. A piece, maybe. Yeah, all right. Hold off on the pieces. But like a hoodie. Yeah, hoodie you can do. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm not, I'm buying three pieces. suits all the time. I'd like you to start. You're in Charleston. Are you not wearing Sierra Sucker on stage? Man, I might eat it. I might Shug Torres. I might eat at Cedric the Entertainer's Barbecue while I'm out there. It's Century City, baby. You know, I didn't know that existed. That sounds like an amazing idea. They got one in the mall. Oh, you got to get the, you got to get the D.O. Hugley fries. The Bernie Mac and cheese?

You haven't heard it's. Steve Harvey Sweet Tea. It's Cedric and Anthony Anderson's, what's it called? I'm going to look it up. Should a guy who's famous for being diabetic and has made it like a big thing have a barbecue restaurant? Everyone's thoughts. AC barbecue. AC1. Oh, the website's hilarious.

I'm not going to join the team, though. Join the team. Oh, get on that point. Come on. Tell them your Bond Boy members. Then I got to keep. the app. I go to that mall a lot. I'm not trying to keep going.

You can follow me on the AC barbecue app. Oh, they're selling rubs and sauces, too. They didn't even try with the names. Midnight's the MVP Lemon Stepper, that's okay. That's pretty good. All day every day. Caroline

Wine. All right, they're getting better, but take a picture of your food and send it to us. Yeah, they're not doing that. It doesn't look that. I think this is a money grab. Yeah, it feels like. husky and handsome guy to grilling. Yeah, come on. That sucks.

It's just like a barbecue universe now. It's like the way every comic I know is selling your own liquor to. That's my MCU. I have a two-part question. The barbecue universe. The barbecue universe is very funny. Two-part question. How many hats both raw number and different kinds do you think Cedric the entertainer has?

I think I think style Listically Yeah 15 different kinds Yeah I would I would say I would say 10 plus for sure I think he has like 30 different kinds of hats I think he's different kinds of hats

In more well well into the like Maybe just under a thousand Kind thousand hats I think he could have that Yeah Like maybe he has a hat room Yeah I think he has a cowboy hat

Because I think they definitely get I think he's performed in Texas And they've given him a cowboy hat I bet he has several different kinds of cowboy hats. Yeah. Some with prints, some with sports teams on them. Some would feel like. Yeah.

Right. Exactly. Right. When you did Dallas, the Cowboys sent a Dallas Cowboys Cowboys Cowboy hat. I bet he's got a Yamika. I bet he does have a Yamika. Yeah. I bet he has a fez.

What's a Fez? You know a little fez? Shriner hat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think he has a sombrero. Yeah. Better not.

I think he has a fashion sombrero. He better. It's a little reeled in. Yeah. I bet you, because he gets a lot of hats for free, too, like promotional hats alone. Yeah, especially if you're a hat guy. He probably got hats from Madden 96 through 25. Absolutely.

You know what I mean? Every Maddenet dropped, I bet he gets a hat. If you start a hat brand, he's on that influencer list. Yeah, he's probably got UPN hats, hats from networks that don't exist anymore. My man's got to have like Kings of Comedy merch. Yeah, my man. Like single edition. Yeah, he's got to.

I think he has a back room in his closet with some run. bunch of your hats. Ooh. With boobs on it. RIPP, Bernie Mac. Yeah, RIP.

I don't know what that means. I think he got some of Cosby's hats. Whoa. He acquired him. Yeah. He's not dead, but he got them.

It's like how people collect Nazi memorabilia. He just has a ditty hat. Just back here. Just through this. Listen, it's about the history for him. Shame celebrity collecting

would be the new like kind of rich guy thing. Oh, I have Ryan. I have Ryan Adams guitar, Bill Cosby's sweater. I have Kevin's, Kevin Spacey's webcam. Yeah. Yeah. Paul Walker's Hurley shirt.

Holy cow. Oh, what? We can't have fun, Sean? No, yeah, just. I didn't realize I didn't realize celebrities were so rude. They're just like us. No, no, those guys aren't. Those guys are. They're different. No. No. No. Except forget about it.

did as stars they're just like us but for like a disgraced people right that would be a funny sketch on something uh we're gathering here today not to talk about um disgrace celebrities but the fantasy draft holiday traditions yeah now the way we determine the order of this draft is a rollicking game of rock paper scissors just play between the three of you and we throw and shoot all right here we go rock paper scissors shoot david wins a paper against two rocks david is the winner does coming upon you to determine the order of today's raft. Before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine raft. And what is that?

It's a great question. To light a menorah for Hanukkah place candles from right to left each night, but then light them from left to right. Wow, is this the first time you've, like, Googled? My man. Not, not. No, I've Googled stuff. I googled how to brown beef when Lauren I first dated.

Whoa, my God. Are you serious? I was eating this. I was at South I said I was going to make tacos that night. And then I'm like, I don't even know if I know how to do that. So I went to Subway and I was eating a sandwich, Googling how to make tacos.

Okay, I thought you maybe asked them. They were like, who do I know how to cook? I go into Subway. What if you guys made tacos? I don't make sandwiches. What would look like if you were a taco artist? No, I know you're made discipline of sandwich, but I know you're trained.

Train in the art of bread. You walk into a Taco Bell? Like, how do you guys do this? It's like every day, I don't know. It's a really a lot. They're like, for the last time I told me everything you know. We're not artists. That's what an artist would say.

Keep talking. You go to a Mexican restaurant and say it to them. They're like, they think it's an existential question. Yeah. Hold on. Necessito oblarkon to afe. Oh, man. I want to go first.

Hola. Don't de astatu hefe. Me, Sean, Shane Ian. David Sean, Shane Ian. Hot Corner. Oh, man. Oh, Felice Navidad, by the way, everybody.

Oh, yeah. Belis Navid. Prosperio, and Feliciad. I want to wish you, Merry Christmas. Catchy-ass song. Ooh, it's good. Yeah.

Jose Feliciano. On the bottom of my... He broke his whole Felicity Ussi off in that, right? That's what they say? Felizzi Uzi. He broke his pussy off. His whole... He put his whole Jose Felici Ussi into it.

Right, Isaac? Well, did you? Yeah, sure. Let me sound stupid here for a minute. So Navidad means Christmas, right? Yeah. Yeah. Is there...

Are there words in other languages for, like, Hanukkah? Or is it just called Hanukkah? Just Hanuk. Monica. Why is Christmas translatable? See on it? I think because of the

missionary nature of the Christians. Yeah, Jews are more doggy style. Yeah. Take it back. Jews, Jews, Jews. No, you're getting back

towards Navidod with that movement here. Jay and O a couple ghosts. Jay, Navidad is like nativity So that's like a word right Like nativity Yeah

It exists in different languages Whereas Hanukkah It's just Hebrew And it's not an English word for something You know what I mean? I think that's my best case And also Jews have been fairly limited to A lot of other people

Haven't needed to know the word for it Because you don't need to know What you're chasing someone away from celebrating with a with a pitch fork. I actually call the language Shibru. That's good. Yeah. It's also the name of the coffee shop,

Lauren I are going to open up. Shibrew. We find a Jewish neighborhood in Portland. You say when you were in school, the teacher failed you because it's actually she equals MC squared. And you said, I'm not changing it. And then I said, now, shut up.

That's the last thing I want to learn. I'll be outside in the hallway. That's the last thing I want to learn. That's a funny sentence. I know one of you teachers has a cigarette. Give it to me. I'll be in the hallway. David has the first pick.

In the holiday traditions, all family, everything, fantasy, right after we're going to get to that first pick right after this short break. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no.

I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. All good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's our podcast here on HeadGum. But we want to make sure you heard

about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released in the feed. Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled. We didn't have a website for our show yet. They were like...

You don't have a website? What are you guys? Like kindergartners? They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guests and very web-savvy guests.

Should we tell them who it was? Let's put we could play 20 questions. I don't think we have time for that. Is it person? No, it's not. It's Finn Wolfhard. But Finn has... had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the

website too. Thank you. You had some amazing ideas for the thing. I was sort of like clicking and I was like, let's put a little, let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets. You kept on using that phrase widgets. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. And you might want to check out the hippo. Just go check out the website. Just know that there's a hippo video and know that you're going to want to watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun making this website. I think you're going to have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our little Christmas present to you. Yeah, yeah, this is a gift for you, okay?

It's just like, it's a selfless thing we did for you. Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website, sponsoring the episode, and for supporting creators across the Headgum Network. Go check out the bonus episode. What's our website from What's Our Podcasts on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts? Go to Squarespace.com slash Beck and Kyle for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code, Beck and Kyle. Yes, sir.

To save 10% off your first purchase of a website domain. Get it, Kyle. This episode of All Fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Comic Con the cruise. Now, first things first, if I've never been on a cruise ship, I would love to go so bad. If you want to go on a cruise, why not go on a cruise with all of these people that you love and admire and want to hang out with? Because you're all going to be on the same boat and it's going to even the playing field. Get out there, take a journey.

If you've never been on a cruise, go do it. Go out there and get on a Comic Con cruise. And if you have been on a cruise, I'm sure you already want to do it again. so why not get out there? Go out there, interact with just the fan favorite celebrities. You know, your creators. You can enjoy experiences like in the same spot. And they have so many things going on on the cruise ship. There's like daily tabletop gaming. There's cosplay events. Oh, watch you back. Late night parties. He doesn't want to party on a cruise ship. Exclusive panels. You're not going to be able to find on the mainland. And also, you get to say the mainland. When you're on a boat, you can say you're on the mainland. You're going to sail a round trip from Tampa, Florida to the Nassau, Bahamas. Would you call it the Nassau Bahamas? You wouldn't. You would just say Nassau Bahamas. On Celebrity Constellation, January 30th through February 3rd, year of our Lord, 2026.

So four-day luxury cruise, fans love it. Elements from Comic Con are going to be there with unique, interactive, immersive experiences. And just to let you know, just a few folks that are going to be on there, Dominic Monaghan, Billy Boyd. So you have a couple of the hobbits, my favorite hobbits, and Jason Isaacs. If you don't know Jason Isaac from the Patriot, like I do, you might know them from White Lotus and a slew of other things. So definitely something just to hop on, have fun. Cut loose. It's the holidays. Get out there. Get it done. It's the ultimate fan adventure. Learn more and see the full 2026 lineup, including a star-studded roster of fantasy adventure, comedy, sci-fi, and more

at ComicCon, thecruise.com slash all fantasy. Book a new reservation with promo code all fantasy to get $250 off your cabin. Get out there and give it a shot. Like we said, Comic Con the Cruise. dot com slash all fantasy book a new reservation with promo code all fantasy get $250 off your cabin do do it get on it and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything already in progress now are you guys like did you i got i'll find out but are we doing like hey of course this is like a tradition or we are we getting like mad specific well i think the fact that we didn't define it earlier means it's going to be whatever happens it's holiday traditions holiday tradition holiday traditions.

And now everybody listening, that was one of my best friends in the world that talks to me like that. Did that feel disrespectful to you? A lot of stuff does. A lot of stuff does. Oh, man, that note is so real, though.

A lot of stuff I say or a lot of stuff in the world? The world, man. It's rating. Shut up, dude. Bye, down. It's a idiot. Cueef. Well, now, Shane, I won't take it from you.

I don't take no lip from no bartender. I call you a quiff. Oh, man. So, my buddy. My buddy Stephen listens with his kids. There's 11-year-old and the 13-year-old. If they're listening right now, shout out to you. But they, Laura Peek, when they went out,

when she went on the queef tirade. It was like, my kids were in the ocean that the fish live in. Yeah. Oh, the Great barrier, quiff. Go down to Australia. I get some coral quiff. Oh, anyway. Oh, I'm taking, uh, get people getting too drunk at their holiday Christmas parties.

They're all this Christmas parties. Oh, my God. It's like, I didn't even know it was real. I think I did my first one at the call center when I was like 20 or 21. I remember walking in and the lady who trained us, she grabbed me and the other girl who were really young. And she was like, my children. And I was like, what the fuck is going on in here? It was at Maggiano's Little Italy and everybody got fucking shit housed.

Yeah. And then I've just, I've been to a lot of it. It's just like, it's just. That's just what happens. And that's also like the only part of their job that's fun that year and a job. Yeah. It's like people are looking forward to it. I've been at multiple jobs.

Somebody didn't last long enough at. But I've been at multiple jobs when people are like, just wait till the holiday party rolls around. People, I was never that cool, but people are hooking up. Oh, yeah. It's one of those things you leave. And then everybody says, you fucking missed it last night. Yeah. You know what I mean?

You're like, I was there till midnight. I lived at 11. Yeah. Yeah, like, it's, it is Wednesday. We're still getting drunk in an office park. Yeah, but it's different. Our managers would tell us, like, hey, no one's coming in tomorrow. Yeah, I worked at HSBC when that, like, whatever, 2005 when the economy was just, they were given away, you'd walk in to be like a $1,000 door prize, a flat screen, everybody got a prize.

They were given away iPods, wheeze. They gave you money. They rented out at this, this like whole convention room and made it into it. a casino and gave us like $1,000 to gamble with just for walking in the door. It's always like at a restaurant you're not supposed to get drunk at. Yeah. Like, oh, we're going to do this at Johnny Carrabba's. All right.

It's very bank to have your holiday bonus be something that they give you while you walk into a casino. Did the house take money back or did you all just like gambling against each other? I mean, they would give you a door prize, whatever it was. And then they'd give you a thousand dollars in chips that counted Israel. So if you wanted to, you could just go cash in your chips and get a. thousand bucks or you just gambled with your free money you know sounds like they got it back because you guys are marks yeah well that's my question is it against the house or is it against each other

it's against the house so you what happened to the house money the house always wins Sean did it go back to the bank stop making my Christmas party seem like it was more sinister than it was what sounds pretty sinister to me well there's that's part of the Christmas party thing because everybody was hammered but it was also everything was free like I'm just saying it was fun you didn't have to go in and spend your own money to gamble. There is an undercurrent of darkness at office Christmas parties. Oh, 100%. I think there's a lot of kids who could maybe trace their lineage back to a broom closet.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Our manager's gotten a fight one time. Two of our big boss has gotten a actual fist fight at one of those parties. It was a bowl-a-thon, but it was a Christmas party. And they got in a fight and they shut up to work on Monday. One of them had a big, Brad, had a big black eye.

And everyone's like, yeah, they fought. it's all good because they were like they had to talk constantly at work like to work together yeah so awesome we we always had a show the next day at the late late show because like the night of like the final night you know people would fly off to london the people who were british would like leave right after the show so they can have the most time back home so we would always do the christmas party on wednesday so we always had a show the next day which is not what you want no Did you sleep in your office one night? I slept on the couch in the office one night.

Yeah. Because you drive to work and then eventually I just started Ubering to work that day. And then eventually I just stopped drinking like that at the party. That's the full office Christmas party spectrum. I got to do something about this. Yeah, when I first got hired, I used to drive to this. Now I'm not allowed to. Now I can't because of the state of California.

Because I tried to wrestle. courting. I woke up at 4 a.m. on the couch in the writer's room and then walked into the kitchen where they had left some of the food from the night before. For you? For whoever? Oh, good.

And just like housed. I was the only one who slept there. So for me. They knew you were sleeping there. People knew I had passed out on the couch and they were probably just leave them there. Yeah. It's crazy that this happens at work. It is.

But you also, it's also like a. ton of liability. It's like the one time you get to blow it out, man. It's the fucking best. It's worth, yeah. I feel like a lot of people are shooting their shots. Yeah, and there's also like, there's also like, oh my God, I think I actually do like Brian.

Right. Yeah, yeah, like, this guy's just wound up at the same shitty job I have. Yeah, Jessica, Jessica likes to party. Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought she was just a jerk. Yeah. I guess that's just her job.

Yeah. She's in charge of a camp. I remember, oh, you get a little dirt, too. You'd be like, everyone thinks Caroline's a bitch, right? Yeah, dude. Yes. God, thank you for saying it. I've been thinking it for a year.

You meet all the partners. That was always interesting where you're like, I know this girl, but now her husband that she never brought out, ever. Like, we'd go kick it after work now. She'd bring her husband to the party, and I'm like, dog, you don't know what she's doing when she's out. I didn't know. I didn't take you for someone who dated a juggalo.

Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you do like guys that have been to prison. Did I ever tell you I did a stripper's holiday party a couple years in the bay? Man, what a time. You want to talk about a fun fucking party. Let's hear. Give me two good memories from this.

I'm alone in a hotel room in Charleston. Hand check. Hand check before I say the memory. No, it was just fun like they were just all in the dressing room smoking so many blunts. Stippers smoked so many blunts. The spread was so good. And then doing your jokes and having them yell at you and throw money on stage does feel nice. Because I got paid so much more.

Like they paid $2.50. But then Caitlin Gill, shout to Caitlin Gill. She rolls. Man, she broke them down. She was like, I think she stripped a little bit. And she had like our arms full of money because they tip well. And the spread was always good. There was like a lot of weird regulars that you kind of didn't want to get stuck in conversation with.

60-year-old white guy in a Bob Marley hoodie. Yeah, they're just like, I'm here every day, so they let me come. And you're like, yeah. Yeah, hey, lefty's going to be here. It's because they know you don't have anywhere else to be tonight. Yeah. He drives away in a yellow sports car like Tim Hammer. But yeah.

That's a deep Christmas. That's a good cut for about 15 people. Hey, they'll remember it. Come to my shows, Christmas weekend at Helium Portland. He's going to be doing other Portland, old Portland comedy scene-centric material. I got a lot of wolf material. coming up. Whoa!

He might hear that. There's a chance he listens. Okay. He's going. Now he's coming. Yeah, he is coming now. Yeah. But yeah, that's my pick.

That's a great pick. That is an awesome. I feel like everybody, kind of like everybody's experienced it. Oh, my God. You got to chill. It usually kicked off Christmas, too, because it was like a week or whatever before,

you know? It was never after Christmas. I don't like it when it's after Christmas. Kind of like the Halloween thing. Like helium a couple of times had theirs like January 3rd. And I'm like, what are we doing?

I'm already bummed out. You know, I don't mind it if it's much later. And I'll tell you what. It's like, it's kind of like, all right, we're going to get,

it's a year till Christmas, like till we do this again. So if it's like March or something, like they do it really like the seller does their holiday party in like March just because it's so busy. And it's a blast because everyone gets to get like, you see everybody around Christmas that you get another little

kind of like having left over. That's a party. That's fun. Yeah. But everyone wears Christmas shit. It's pretty fun. And that's like the holiday drought too. So it's kind of nice to have certain in March. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. Also, I like it when you find out someone brings their partner and you're like, I had no idea that Sarah was gay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's some, there's some reveals sometime. You're like, oh, shit. But the way late show is going to stop having a crush on you.

We had no partner. really everybody was out there desperado yeah that's asking for trouble though yes it was yes it was not for me but for others did they do that so it's like you just there's no you can just you don't have to have the conversation like some people bring them or what what was the reason it's because it would go from paying for a 200 person party to a 400 person party and it was at work so they would have to get cleared into the studio and everybody that's not one that you want to skip your partner's not going to be like yeah we're not going to bowling alley we're going to television city

this will be interesting I mean they would do you want to see me yeah you want to see me right around in Johnny Carson's rolls or whatever yeah our set design guy Lou Treby would like build like Christmas sets on the roof and stuff

so it was like it was a great party but it was expensive and I think like yeah that's cool that's a that's a squadron of people getting down yeah it makes sense It's also a little bit better because you're like, you are in the trenches together and, like, really high stress environments.

And it's like, well, let's just blow off steam together. Also, I have dated people who could not have, like, wanted to be around me and the people I work with less. You know, like, if it just talk about working bitch about, you know, like. Even if it's just a comedy holiday party, I get it. Yeah. Although I was going to go to a comedy holiday party the other night. And I was like, no way, this is going to be lame.

And then Adam told me Anderson Pack was there. Whoa. You did that one at the store? At the, at the, uh, the lap factory. Oh, I got invited to that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't go to any of those.

I don't go to any of them anymore either, but Anderson Pack was there. I went to the Mark Marin final. I went to his like, uh, he had a party to celebrate like the conclusion in the podcast. That was a pretty fun party. It was mostly because it was like people were pretty chill. I'm going to one tonight. That'll be fine. I got one tomorrow.

Yeah. Oh, my guys are none. I guess you're not. Shut up. You don't, there's, you're not going to go to the cellar holiday party? In March, I will, yeah. Oh, yeah. Isaac got tasked with bringing a karaoke machine to a holiday party and then nobody popped off on it.

Yeah. Ooh, that sucks. I think Isaac just brought it. No, I was asked. He's telling everyone. They told me to bring it, so I suppose I'll just have to sing boys to men to get it started. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Somebody get them off.

It's about to get wet in here. Did you sing the first song? Because that would be intimidating. I didn't even set it up. Fuck me. That's right. I think karaoke is one of those vibes You can tell pretty early in the party

If that shit's gonna go or not Yeah It's better to have it broadcasted early on It's got a Hilton honors email Oh, I'm a Bonvoy guy over here So miss me with that Hilton shit Bonboi, Ann, this podcast is over Hi, my name's Bonvoy, Bon voyage

My name's Hilton honors They're both words My last name is Aj Isaac, do you feel a pressure like in a karaoke situation to not go first? Yeah. No, I feel a lot of, I look around and I'm like, well, are people going to feel bad if I go? Like, what do I do?

Well, yeah, do you feel a want to go first, though? Yeah, it's like bringing a pro to a morgy. Flameboy and Wet Willie, you know, who do you go with? I love singing. I would love to sing. I love that you're, it's been for years. I'm forcing it. The Flameboy and Wet Willie thing is your like good or evil.

They're like your angel and devil. were they both mischievous though and they always it's always sucked it's such a fun thing because everybody gets it kind everybody remembers plane boy and wet willie that doesn't help you at all I don't know why I said it like that the world industry guys titans really I want to say everybody

I think you mean the people in your circle I think more people get it than they think get it or they get it subconsciously I've seen it I've had that work in settings like at a lunch where I didn't think anyone was going to get it or they laugh because it just sounds stupid I don't know I'm dropping Flame Boy, What, Willie, at the lunch?

At a lunch? I do a lot of stuff. Pre-order or post-order? Like, have a waiter been to the table? I shine at a lunch with people I don't know. Like, if somebody brings me to a lunch and I don't know most of the people, that's one of the, that's one of the good places I shouldn't. I think it becomes a luncheon when you don't know most of the people.

Oh, is it now? I used to be good, but lately it's like, I don't even know. I'm 50-50. Because you don't, I don't force a bit. That's the thing. I don't, when everyone else is trying to be too funny and talking over each other, you lay back in the cut. and then when you kind of cross your arms and sulk right uh-huh yeah i kind of said i set my gun on

the table you're like wait until wait until it's my turn to talk then i'll show these soon as i think of something funny i just hop in playboy and wet willie it's a great pick holiday drunken holiday parties yeah sean time for your first pick uh we go to a movie on christmas day you motherfucker i truly thought i could get that in the second round yeah that was always it's okay i shouldn't say always Christmas Day, that's the goal, you know, but a movie, it's a fun thing, yeah, within a day or two of Christmas. It's fun when you see how many people are there.

Yeah. One time I saw cats and that kind of sucked, but every other time it's been really fun. We, I always have, I mean, even if we go to like one year we went to, um, uh, what was, I don't know, saving Mrs. Banks. I wasn't, like, thrilled to see it, but it was good, you know, like just, yeah, Mr. Banks. What are you going to see this year? Today we're going to National Ampoons Christmas vacation. Today is the 19th of December.

I know because my mom's here. She can't be here on Christmas Christmas. I'm sticking you to the wall, dude. What are you going to see? I don't know. It's up to Laura's parents. Let me check. Let me check AMC real fast.

There's not much out. I push. There's not much out. Marty's from the game. No. Does that come out on Christmas? You don't want to see Timothy Shalamee go down on Gwyneth Paltrow with your parents? I want to see Predator Badlands.

I would go see the running man again. But there's really not a. out. The cool thing about Portland is they have those theaters that play like Elf and shit and a Christmas story. So. They do like good old like holiday movies. Laura Zad wants to go see a Christmas story. I think that'd be dope. What if you guys go see is this thing on? The stand-up comedy movie. I would, I don't, I don't want to see it. Still Mad I wasn't cast in it.

You're the only New York that they didn't make it. Is Reggie the only one who got in? Is Reggie the only one who's? No, there's a shitload of people in it. Oh, that sucks. I have no interest in it. Yeah, but you were probably on the road. I was on the road. I was on the I'll see it the same way that I saw grind. You know, it's like I don't expect it to be a great skateboard movie, but I'm not going to see this. Wait, is this a movie about David in the Bible coming out on Christmas? Did you guys know about this? Is it the Amazon movie?

There's a movie about you in the Bible? It's called David. We're all wrong. And it looks like he has a sling in some little stones. Yeah. Is it straight to, is it Amazon movie, right? No, it's in the theaters. I'm on AMC right now, baby.

Then I'll push for it. Ooh. Yeah, I don't know what's coming down. I just like going. Amatar firing. and Ash. You can go see that. I'd go see that in a second. I want to see Elm McKay. Ella McKay looks fine. I didn't even know about it until a week ago. What is that? That's like a Sean Corps movie. It's a James L. Brooks sort of. It's an ensemble cast, feel good.

I'd like that probably. Like the Family Stone or something like that. It looks like. Everybody go see Ella McKay. We need to make sure they keep making these movies. Yeah, so we can get in one. I'll push for that. Anyway, yeah, go to a new movie on Christmas Day. I do like that. We went to see Wicked for Good, which is one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen in my entire life. You were saying that. I haven't seen Wicked. Wicked was great. I had a great time at Wicked. Wicked was happy. Wicked for

good is truly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Is that the Arianna Grande thing? Yeah. I don't know why you have to say it like it's a white. Is that Ariana Grande movie? Say it like a waitress in Brookings. It's one of our great Floridians. That's an ariana Grande movie.

That's one of our great Floridian. It's that that Ariana Grande movie? You guys should really listen to this Nick Fuentes guy I've been talking. Let me tell you. But we went on Thanksgiving

in, or maybe the night before, we were in Chicago, whatever it was with Dana and her sisters. It was super duper fun. It was just fun to like go out and. Yeah. Yeah.

It's nice to be out on a holiday with like in community. You take a little break that you like, well, we'll get, we'll get it. There is something about being out with like, your siblings on a holiday with no parents and that kind of like yeah i really like i do kind of

like being a kid even like even at a grown age you know like there's something about i i really do enjoy that for i love the walks to the store now that i'm older yeah when we were we had thanksgiving at our house a couple years ago Thanksgiving was it Thanksgiving maybe you're asking the dog some some holiday she won't shut up what's she doing i can't hear her where is she licking herself? What's happening? No, she's just sitting there. Aw. She's doing all right. You're mad at that? No, she was barking earlier. Okay. The Christmas

Street. She is so pretty. She just got her haircut. She looks beautiful. I saw my little brother and Alana's little sister walk to the liquor store. It was so like, you're like, oh, my heart. But then they came back with a bunch of tequila rose shooters. And I was like, guys, they got the kids stuff. Got some stuff to look. That's 100%

a thing I would have done and my brothers would have. I remember tequila where we're like Tequila Rose doesn't taste like tequila it's for the ladies I remember getting bottles of it It's for a very specific

kind of lady though It's literally hard Pepto-Bismol We've all been Like You know what I'm saying Oh that's good It is

That was like such a good one To get like Oh here This doesn't taste bad Do you remember like Yeah It's funny Uh

Shane Torres, yeah, Christmas movies, great, great pick. Shane Torres, time for your first pick. I'm going to pick Jews going to get Chinese food on Christmas. I don't know why. It sounded so crazy. I love it. I think it's no fun. I think it's like,

hold on. Where was that? Where was that on your list, Ian? I mean, on it, for sure, on it. I just, it reminds me of the story, what was it last? Two years ago or last year where you had to hold court. at panics last year

last year you kept getting snaked right at the original one at the original I had to like fucking like a union leader

I'm sorry I barely opened up a Pandoras pox some trauma a panda a panda a panda a panda oras box

I might have a few I might have a few quips he's got a few zingers himself uh okay so last year

you know Dana's family was here on Christmas Day Jews. Arthur had just been born so we didn't go back to Portland and we ordered this big spread

from Panda Inn which is like the fancy Panda Express. You know there's sit-down restaurant there's two of them in L.A. It's a Glendale company. So it's not all bad in Glendale. There's one good thing.

Not all bad. It's all great in Glendale. A couple bad drivers here and there but everything else is great. It's insane. It's insane. Because I live on the border of Glendale now. And people in Atwater Village drive fine.

One mile. This crossover. One mile into Glendale and you're in a fucking war zone. Trust me. No one believe me. I'm like, you don't even know. It's the fall of Saigon. It's insane.

It's insane. That's the restaurant you went and got the food at? I've driven in Naples, Italy, where they don't even listen. There's no, the traffic lights mean nothing. And that worked better than the way people driving Glendale. Ian has grown up some nipples. Nipples, Italy Yeah, flying to nipples

We were just drunk on the plane You're drunk on the plane going to Naples Hey, you guys go to Nipples too? My wife and I are going to Nipples for the holidays Oh, God, yeah, I'm going to Nipples. They just really, so many people had called in orders and like ahead of time You know, like to pick up and take out

And they just biffed it so hard And they were not communicating with anyone that I had to go up and just be like how long is it going to take to get our food? Like, just be honest with me at this point. And I was very nice for an hour. Dana's dad was getting upset

and he's one of the sweetest dudes but they just weren't communicating with anyone. The lobby of this restaurant was like as full, you know when they're like shoving people on the trains in Tokyo with like brooms? It was like that packed with people and then outside too who were there like

and there's no other options. It's Christmas night. It's not like, oh, I'll just swing through rallies or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or chilies or what, yeah. So I had to, like, get the information and then go out and address the people because no one from the company was doing it. I had to be like, it's going to be at least 90 minutes for your food.

You know, like 90 minutes more. On this day, the 25th of December, year of our Lord, 2004. Literally had to be a town crier for all these people because they just weren't communicating. Give me the information. We got our food like a hour later. Do you call Dana's dad by his first name? yeah Mike cool what do you how do you do handle it I call him I call him Antoine yeah you got to get at sometimes I do I'll say I'll say Ronnie boom boom I'll say Ronnie yeah I say the

general and he's like the general he's smegging he will refer to Laura as a general daughter it's the general Sam's sir he steps back he's like the jury's still out on you bud I don't know if it's ever I don't know if they're ever going to get out of there They've been sequestered now for nearly a decade. I don't know if we're ever getting a verdict, so it's going to be the general until I say otherwise. But it is a grand tradition. We still do it because now my family, you know, like all the siblings do their own little Christmases on Christmas, but I'm at my mom's.

Like with their own families, like your, yeah, the families you've started. And then we do our big, like, family Christmas on like a different day. But on the 25th, we still, well, it depends. Sometimes we used to go to Janks. That place rules. It rules. It rules hard. but we do a big Chinese food

like around the hot yeah I do I just I did I've done it a couple of times when I've stayed in New York for Christmas like it's just it's fun it's like a night out in the middle of a holiday let me let me say this there were a lot of not Jews at that panda

in that night everybody we can do it too yeah yeah it's fine 3654 nights a year no no everyone else can have Chinese It's not even your food.

You're only having Chinese food once a year. You're not Chinese. Christmas night, here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say. Two things should be true. There should be a line. Jews can celebrate Christmas. We can get Chinese food on Christmas.

There should be a lot. We wrote all your best songs, so we get to celebrate Christmas. That is true. Ooh, you wrote all the best Mexican music? Jews wrote all the best Mexican music. Did you? He did say Jewish. I was trying to get it out.

It's over Zoom. I don't have time to say people. A common problem was Sean. I don't have time to save people. There should be a line at Starbucks just for coffee, just for black coffee, for black people, for black people,

there should be a line for black people. That's better. Faster. No, I hear you work because they just get a drip coffee and it's, and that's it. Not my original idea. Many people have said this.

If you're just ordering a black coffee, there should be a line at Starbucks for you so you don't have to wait behind someone who's getting a milk check. That's fair. And there should be a line at Chinese food restaurants for Jews on Christmas where we get it a little bit faster. I'm going to be honest.

I'm out of my element. I'm going to tell you guys the fucking truth. Line up out the back. I don't know what the fuck's going on right now. I don't mind that. I think that should be the case. I don't mind it. I like that Shane was the judge.

Shane said. It's still on my list. And if you Irish want to join us in eating Chinese food on Christmas Instead of cutting a part of cold potato Chinese food on Christmas They're not allowed, everybody knows they're not allowed to eat Chinese food We can't eat it, we just don't want to Do me a favor and inject it with Jameson and then I'll eat some

Jammah Orange Chicken The soy sauce tastes a lot like soy sauce and not enough like Maker's Mark So I do have one note I do have one note Anyway, that's a great pick, Shane. It really is a great, it's a fun time. I've had a really good time doing it. I'll also say that's while I'm getting takes off.

And I think I'd be interested to have Isaac K. Lee weigh in on this as a man who has lived in both cities. There is a kind of New York Chinese food that we just have not cracked out here. Absolutely. 1,000%. We just have not. And that's the kind I want on Christmas. Let me bring it around.

Let me bring it around the side door. There's also one in St. Louis that's not been cracked. Is that right? St. Louis has got, yeah, crazy good Chinese food. Oh, wait. Look it up. I've heard this. Maybe it's you told me.

I think, but I've heard this. It's like amazing. Okay. Really? Does it have a name? What they call it? Maybe not the most appropriate thing. You did tell me.

That's right. What do they call it? I'm not doing this. I don't think we can do it. I certainly can do it. I can do it at least. Mark McGuire chicken. They call it the term you're not supposed to use.

Yeah, they, uh-huh. Can I say? Nellie says this? I don't know. Nellie and the Sclar brothers and John Hammond. A friend of mine went to, he was like, something got cut. But the point is, it is really, if you guys are that,

they call it that, it's so fucking good. Okay. All right. But yeah, that New York style, like, I want like that egg roll that kind of feels like a Chimmy Changa. Yeah. Do you think that New York style? If you threw it at someone, it might actually hurt. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a big, like crunchy one. Like, I, yeah. Do you think with New York style Chinese food has more of an American influence than Los Angeles style Chinese food and that's why it's like, because the New York style does seem more its own thing. Yeah. Yeah.

I would say so. I also think something about like the smell of urine on the ground in the air really helps make it taste better. No, it perks up a slice of pizza, I'll tell you that. I think so, I think so. I, uh, Ian, do you remember this? We, you were in town. I think I had just moved to New York and you were in town.

I think you were, it was, it was definitely saw at the late, late show. I think of it very fondly. Yeah. We went to wallop. Ian was doing very well. I was still struggling. And we went out with a friend of yours too. I can't remember who it was.

I can't either. But we were so drunk. We went to Wohoff, which is like late night Chinese flew down in in Chinatown. And Ian was ordering food and he was like one more of these, one more of these. And the guy just goes, that's too much. Like the guy like, the guy like was like, you can't have more food. He was like, literally like, he was like, you don't. And it was like, come on.

He's just like it was like we were talking a bartender into another round of drink. Yeah. You're not driving, right? Yeah. And then I woke up and I, my face was like, just sodium bomb. Like I was like, oh, God. Shane, you are the best person when you're in New York and I'm in New York at the same, like, you're the, my favorite person who's in New York at the same time.

Like when you're there, it's always like, I like to have a good time. It's always so far. I think I might have had romantics that night somehow against all of us. I remember that. Yeah. It's crazy that you were trying to get down after the, it's crazy that she was like, that was, it's crazy that woman was down after seeing what we were doing with food and booze that night.

I know. After all that boo guy pan. Yeah. You know what. They would cut on everything but the guy. Yeah. Some of that guy pan. Getting cut off at a food restaurant is crazy.

I've been cut off in an alcohol restaurant, but not a food restaurant. That's not a restaurant. You're an alcohol restaurant. It's good to one of those drunk restaurants. Hey, there's a couple good alcohol restaurants. restaurants downtown that we could go to. Now, I didn't, it's time for my first pick. Okay.

I didn't know if we were going, like when we said holiday, are we opening up the entire calendar? That's how I had it. Yeah, that's how I had it. So I have to go around. I'm going to with my first pick. I want to go with a power player. It's a, it's a one that's very important to me.

And I think it's important that everyone does, like at some point in your life, in some point in your year, which is going around. the table at Thanksgiving and saying what you're thankful for. Yeah, that's a great one. Which I know is like some people hate it. Some people are like, what the fuck are you doing, taking that first round, first pick? It is so not, if you're gathering with people who you love, it's such a wonderful thing to do. It's such a wonderful thing for yourself to do, especially if you're feeling like kind of

down in the dumps or if you're feeling sorry for yourself to like make a conscious effort to like reflect on the things you are grateful for. Also, it's hilarious when somebody beefs. it hard somebody's always going to beef it if you're doing the whole table somebody's just going to say something that doesn't include anybody else i'm thankful the chiefs won the super bowl yeah they're like god damn it rick they forget their wife yeah oh god holding a newborn baby and you're exactly that exactly that's just like i'm really thankful i'm kicking ass at work right now and we got this new pOS system at work that's too i like that f-150s are electric and still just as big and

your wife's just holding a newborn baby. People go heavy and they're just like, I'm really thankful that my mom is finally gone. She's tired of suffering. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you get two other, you get the dude who is it usually emotional who will like break down and like really give it to you.

And that's like exciting. You get the teenager who does not want to do it and is being forced into it. Yeah. Weird religion. Weird religion person. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they got to put it on you. I'm thankful all of us could be here under the guide full watch of the Lord.

And you're like, this isn't a Jesus holiday. Always Christian. Always Christian. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's never, yeah. It's never like, I've never seen a Jewish person. No, nobody's saying next year in Jerusalem at Thanksgiving. Yes, like always Christian.

God. Can't stop proselytizing these fucks. Especially what Christmas is right around the corner. Yeah. Yeah, you'll have your time. Yeah. Oh, by the way, Sean has gotten pretty into the Lord since the last time we recorded. So he's keeping going on.

Well, the other, it was about a week ago that. she spoke to me so there is you know I feel like I owe her the honor of following in her footsteps dynamite drop in or letting her carry me I don't know

it's okay God I don't know I remember I don't know I don't know it's Christmas I had to do one of those at Christmas with a with Deirdra

and her family I spent Christmas with them and she just told me like, and I was like, I'm not a terribly emotive person, obviously, but she goes, there we go, it's like, this is where we go around and we say something we wish for another person this year. And I just looked at her with like, panic and she's like, you'll be fine.

You won't. That's loaded. Yeah. You look at the table. You're like, I'm thankful my girlfriend's something got cut. Yeah. Damn it. Yeah. I was hoping it was all right. That's one more, one more ticket sold and just get punched in the face this Christmas.

But I had a panic attack over it. But we were, yeah, that's a nice time. Did they have to be at the table, the other person who you were wishing something for? Yeah, it was like the, I think if I remember, recall, it was like the person to your right or left, you know? That's a setup. That's a setup, for sure. But we were like making parogies. And it was a-

I like that. Yeah. Back in. But you could wish something passive aggressive for another person. Did that happen at all? I don't recall. I remember being like, oh, fuck, I'm not good at this. I wish Deirdre learns to wash her plates at night.

when she's on using them and not in the morning in the sink I wish Jason learned how to go about three miles above the speed limit no matter what the speed limit is.

I wish Linda would stop spending so much time with her work husband. This isn't the I wish war but I remember like I had just such a shitty like I had no money

and my phone was like only charging to like 20% of its capacity and my phone would always met Smart phones used to suck. Yeah, and Deirdre would get so mad because my phone would just die all the time. And she goes, like, I remember later her mom goes, it wasn't at the table, but she didn't have like a passive aggressive thing. She goes, from what I hear, you should probably be getting a new phone.

But I love that. I love that. That's a good one. Well, again, her mom was a doctor, a surgeon, I think. So I can't really. I don't know. I felt like, yeah, I just, you're right. Yeah.

In my head, I thought you were going to say her mom was a dog. She's got that Come on, he's got that dog Yeah, wow Off a leash Yeah With my second pick I'm going to

I'm going to stay away From the Christmas holiday Again for this one Barber Day Decorating for Halloween Yeah Gotta do it Gotta go all out for Halloween

I love doing it Especially here in the way Get some spider webs Get some spider webs Get some spooky skeletons Do you guys Do you go big up In the front of the house

Like in the front yard? Yeah. I like it when you see the, I like it when you see, it looks like the witch crashed into the car. Love that. I love all of it. Yeah. I love it. Yeah.

I love it. Yeah, when they get a little bit, like a little bit, little kind of bits on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I tell you this. One year I was home around Christmas or around Halloween and we were all meeting at my friend Andy's place.

And my buddy, Nani stopped because he was in San Francisco and he was just taking a bunch of pictures of this redneck's house and all this Christmas shit on it or a Halloween shit on it. and the guy goes comes out and goes can i help you it's like like he lives in the town called burles like redneck motherfuckers are there and he goes can i help you and john goes oh i used to live here i just don't see this stuff much anymore where i live now i just want to take some pictures of he goes okay and he goes all right man he goes where do you live and he goes oh i live in san francisco the guy goes well nancy pelosi That's great. We're Nancy Pelosi.

There's a damn Pelosi out there. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah, wouldn't it? Yeah, she's around, sure. I love, I just love it. Halloween rules. I love those little fake gravestones with like I be dead. Yeah.

And like, it's just great, man. Yeah. Yeah. And Halloween's like the kickoff to the season. It's like now we're in it. It's also like 90 here. So you kind of have to, I've said it a million times,

but you have to force the season. seasons in Los Angeles. So you're like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. If you don't October 1st, go all out and make it feel like fall however you can, like you're failing. You got to do it. We got to do it for each other.

That's great. Yeah. I do like that as a pick. That's my second pick. With my third pick, I'm just going to do all mine right now. No, Shane, you have your second pick. I'm going to pick making tamales. Oh, Christmas tamales.

Yeah, I spent all day, two days ago, making a hundred of them. And it was still like, even doing it by myself, like we used to do it as a family. And it's very communal. But I, even doing it by myself, there was like this therapeutic focus and putting something together from the ground up that,

because it takes so long. Right. But I was, I had a good sense of accomplishment after. And I was cooking and people were coming in and out of the house. And everyone said how good it smelled. And I couldn't like, and when I left to get a coffee and I came back,

I could finally smell it. Like it, And you don't hear that around yourself a lot. How good it's funny. That's not a thing you're used to hearing. I was going to say, did you feel like you were tapped into La Raza? Suhente? I don't like sitting back when I say this.

I was, I was listening to mariachi music. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Shane, we were listening to music. There goes. Yeah. All right. time. That's the first time of clap for someone

who was in Sean Jordan. I can think of your brothers. I'm going to talk. We were doing a thing. Sorry to use your own move against you. The other day, just to put a cap on this, like that I won't mention because I don't want to, but we threw fucking Jew music on

the entire time, just really leaned into it. It was great. You were playing Christmas songs? We were playing the songbook of Irving Berlin the entire time. They're on Jingle Bell rock. Yeah.

I mean, I'll find a list while Sean says whatever dumb ass thing he was going to get down to it a little bit. Yeah, to like, like, be fully in your, in your heritage. Yeah. Yeah. We're back in the day, I could picture your brothers not doing a lot in the tamale area with you. No, they were helping a lot? No, I mean, we would be like seven, you know, like, we were like kids.

Okay. Before they got, they got, so like, we would do that. And then, like, my, yeah. And then you just get to, you know, you steam them and you eat them and you hang out. There's something about building something like that from the ground up and then having it immediately and knowing like I touched every element of this and built every part of it that's really satisfying.

Yeah, that's really nice. Yeah, I love it. Christ, we wrote a lot of these. What? Oh, these. You're looking up. Christmas and Hollis by real estate. You're looking at movies?

Yeah, that's us too. That was Mac Miller, weirdly. Mom's cooking chicken. what are they like to eat what is they like to eat uh we wrote jingle bell rock i knew it yeah sleigh ride winter wonderland it's the most wonderful time of year white christmas we also wrote they don't consider us white christmas yeah the sammy davis junior remix yeah i'm dreaming of a membership at a country club But this one's just for us.

Tamales. Encanado. Shane, what a great pick. Sean, that means enchanted. Oh, yeah. Very enchanted pick. Sean, time for your second pick. Oh, I kept it. I kept it right around Christmas, so I'll try to bob and weave a little bit.

But to get a little more unconventional, we used to meet Christmas Day. at midnight. So I guess technically the 26th, like at the bar, like everybody who was in town, friends, like all the friends that were in town back. That's a nice one, yeah. We would be like standing outside the bar at midnight, just ready to go mad dog it for two hours.

And then we'd go to some after party or whatever, but it was an absolute blast, just flooding in the door at midnight. Everybody's in town. Yes, it was so fun. Because you're in the parking lot for like an hour beforehand, chilling you know whatever and then just going in bartenders were all cool with it everybody knew each other it was very very very fun bartenders make bank that night too I mean we're we're holding

up like 50 like because you know 200 people want to drink right now and so we're just holding up 50s or what yeah it was god it was so much fun I used to go so hard at dinner that I had trouble making it to that bar I never would I wouldn't do that that was way that was before food was the was the fun thing that it is now back then I'm like nah it's just a roadblock as all food is yeah which is a tough tough tough thing to admit but I mean back in the day

I'd have like like some green beans or something just to be like now I'll eat pizza four in the morning yeah oh it was so fun yeah that is like everybody coming back into town's like oh my god like you can find out some dirt too you're like you're in a movie when you see everybody

and you've all moved yeah you're like Paul got into University of Illinois and then you see him at Christmas and you find out he's washed out already. Oh, man. For us it was kids who washed out of the Marines. Oh, man. Every holiday there was some

there, I know probably six or seven guys. So many of my brother's friends thought they were going to the army, but they couldn't get past the psych exam. How did you watch out? I killed a guy in basic training. A lot of it was like selling weed and shit. Yeah, a lot of guys washed out.

how recent do you still do this i haven't even been home on crisp like i've been home on christmas in such a long time but um yeah like i it's we did it for a solid 10 years i haven't done in a while that's i love a bar at christmas too like with the lights up like the roost was always really fun around christmas it's pretty great yeah and i like bring it like i love seeing like um when i worked in bars, like, getting little gifts from regulars and stuff was always really sweet as a bartender. Oh, yeah.

Because you realize they need it. Yeah. Yeah. Being a regular at a bar at Christmas is, I've had one of those, too. That's a, that's a. It's a type of guy. It's, uh. And it's usually almost always a guy.

Went there right after the movies. I'll tell you that. What, no, me? I'm good. I'm good. I'm great. I just want to see you guys. Yeah.

Man, I had three hot dogs, and I sold two Tom Hanks movies today. That sounds like a pretty good day. So basically, it's Thursday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have an apartment. David, time for your second and third picks. Oh, Chicago Dye in the River Green on St. Patty. Oh, I love that.

So it's like, for the drunkest town. like they're like yeah we're going big yeah this holiday that doesn't really mean anything they are shit based at the river screen hearing Kyle talk hearing people from Chicago talk about what Chicago was really like when they were when they were like at their fight and weight

it sounds nuts yeah even people who I know can party they're like I don't know man it was it's like different my first few times going there like you know 2010, 2011, 2012 are very memorable. Because you were like, whoa, I can't believe they go like this year. And they just do it the whole year.

All that's how they do. They'll find a reason. They'll be like, well, it's snowing. It's snowing. We have to go into a bar with window, like picture windows. The Cubs won. The Cubs lost. I mean, whatever.

Our mayor's corrupt. Our mayor's not corrupt. They film some of Batman. Our mayor's daz. Michael Shannon used to live on this street. You don't love about Chicago, like, not like how, it's such a different than other giant cities. Yes, New York and L.A. And it's, it's, it's weirdly like ethnic, like the ethnicities in Chicago, like the Irish there feel more Irish than the Irish feel in other major American cities.

You know what it is? It feels older than, it feels like, it feels New York, Boston old. yeah it is totally like LA doesn't yeah yeah LA doesn't feel like that like the Polish community they have in Chicago feels different than other major you know what I mean like they have like there's like a Casimir Pulaski day yeah yeah

that they shut shit down for like that doesn't happen even in New York the MTA has Polish on it as an option for the language like for the machines yeah yeah there's something kind of fun about that I don't know it just feels older yeah like I think and yeah But, yeah, they get, those people get down. I've never got eyes on the Green River. Like, I've never seen it. No, me either.

I've only, I just know that they do it. Just footage. I'm not trying to be there on, uh, I would. I actually am. I would think I'd have a good time. Live AFE, Chicago on St. Patrick's Day. Woo. We have to do it at 10 a.m.

Canaan told me one time that he had an agent book him in Boston on St. Patrick's Day. And he was like, I'm not fucking doing that. No way. Yeah, you're asking you shouldn't be allowed to. The Dropkick Murphy's should be the only people doing anything. Yeah. Did you see his, uh, uh, the Dropkick Murphy's guy interview with John Stewart because

he like, he went in on a, there was a dude wearing a Trump shirt at one of their shows. Oh, yeah. And the Dropkick Murphy's leads in and goes, I guarantee you that shirt's not made in this country. Like, and he like, oh, yeah, and he just kind of like owned him. And he was like, it was like a cool, it was a pretty cool moment. like it was fun anyway go drop shirt

my Trump shirt I make my own right here in the garage in America where I live then you give them away that's Christmas gifts that would be so

oh man I did my best uh David your third pick uh okay this one is kind of sleazy we'll take it after the third round after this

do you want it right now it's where we're yeah hour 45 in and we took our first break at 50. So I just want to like the tone with, I don't know if any of us, I appreciate it. You did hit him with some tone. Well, what's going on? As a good

producer should. You did it. Okay. We'll be right back. This episode of All Fantasy. Everything is brought to you by 1,800 contacts. Your boy uses it. I've been in that panic so many times where I have like one pair of contacts left. or I got nothing.

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And coastal idiots. And coastal idiots. No. Ian George Carmel Yeah I like the theme song man Get a little bit of Shane singing I always thought the G stood for Gershwin It's a good God He only needs one G though

Ian Gershwin Carmel Gushwin So it's time for my third pick Yes So this is a weird one I'm gonna take Have you ever had a good Valentine's hookup

No Well it's like where it's like you're single, I'm single? No. No. Oh, I like it, though. That sounds awesome. I love that this is a tradition and not just something that happened once.

Twice. Getting that body count. I bet there's other people out there doing this. I've always, I learned it from other friends who were like, oh, yeah, you could totally like, it's like a, you know. Yeah, people are looking. If you're looking, find the others looking. I like, yeah.

I mean, I got no problems with that. no ice man you getting the uh valentine's day hookups in no man but not like but but it's i feel like it's important to say it's not like a it's more of just like a hey i don't know yeah yeah not a smarty thing just right well look at you look at me look at what we could be you know because valentine's day is so loaded yeah like if you're in something it's loaded if you're not in something it's loaded oh yeah like you ever have those valentine's day where you kind of have something and you're like, are we doing something this? Are we supposed to?

Absolutely. It just can be so loaded, especially when you're like younger, you know? Valentine's Day currently is the knockout punch in a run for me that lasts from Conica into Dana's birthday. When's the birthday? January 7th. Oh, that's brutal. You get hit.

That is brutal. A really big deal for three months in a row. Three months and a month. a row. Can't take one off. I have so many presents, just stockpiled. Our anniversary is about to be less than a month away from Alana's birthday, and I'm like, this is, this feels organized.

Yeah. Ours is in September. That's at least for, I have a breather for October when it's, when it's all about me. I want to talk about me. Yeah. Yeah, Mother's Day is May, right? Something. May, end of May. Yeah, it's whenever the festival was last year. Oh, that's right. I do remember that. You caught out, like, you left like 5 a.m. or something.

Iceman and I were on that first flight out, man. Oh, yeah. I stuck around late. Not this year. I'm getting some. Yeah, I remember. I do remember. David and I ate oysters on the water.

We had a nice time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still had a pretty great picture. David and I are like, like, whatever Ian has to do something, David and I are like, like, Statler and Waldorf or something. Just like, we're going to go have our own little adventure today. Yeah. Yeah.

We have a lot of side. Me and you have a lot of side episodes. I was also there. I was with you. No, you don't count. This is what George and Elaine were doing today. We have a lot of, we have a lot of those. So Vincent Dinoffrio ate oysters.

Yeah, we did see Vincent Dinoffrio. I forgot about that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. At the New Orleans airport. Oh, my God. Dude, yeah, you fully, is that a drinking on the table in front of you? New Orleans Airport is like Vegas Airport.

It's a bunch of people who just want to go home. Yeah. The last time we were there was nuts. I don't want to air them out, but somebody barfed in the trash can, and it wasn't me or Shane. I will fucking say. At the airport with a beer in his hand. Who was it? I didn't.

I ain't doing it. I will say it. What's the ride? I was in, I came down. God damn it. You can do both. This is for the listener. This is Isaac posing with a wine glass.

And the previous picture was Isaac incredibly hung over. I like that two feet away. from that wine glass picture, I was housing a whole fish. That was fun, dude. That was such a, that live band, that was such a fun day. What a time. I had to work that night.

Cozell dropped me off, and I met you guys at what, Fritzels, was the dad? Was that, where we were, yeah. Yeah, something like that. We were all flying out of the airport at the same time. And it was like 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I think you probably had like eight drinks and three hours. And the Uber driver was, get in here with your

cocktails. It was me, Sean. that's not what happened. You said, we can bring them in the car. You go, we can bring them in the car. I go, I don't think so. And then you came out with like plastic cups, not plastic cups filled to the brim. And I'm like, there's no way. There's no way this is how it's supposed to go.

Driver didn't care though. So we got out of the airport. Did not give a fuck. I've had Uber drivers sell me beers in New Orleans. Yeah, I've had that happen in New Orleans. Yeah. These are wide mouth. Yeah.

Big plastic. I just, it was bonkers, dude. So it's only-carbooted in the trash? Well, me. I knew it was Tom. Because he was singing that La Mello Ball song all weekend. He couldn't end it. He was going crazy.

He's the best. He's the best guy ever. Every time I walked up to him, he's so funny. Every time I walked up to him, he'd be like, I might swear have been that corner. Whoa. They drop us off. They drop us off at the airport, and we all like, we all have to piss and go. the bathroom and wash our faces before we have to be screened for security.

Before we give security a shot. And Sean and I walk out. We were looking at the bathroom waiting for Tom to walk out. And he walks out. And then he just, we see him do this. He just covers his mouth and turns towards a trash can. And he goes to the trash can. And it was a covered one.

Oh, man. And he had to go. He went back to the bathroom, came out in a completely different outfit. He literally swerved it at that corner. That feeling. You know, when you think. And then he goes, later we were texting and making fun of him. He goes, that was AI.

But you know that feeling when you're like, all right, I really got to poop. And then you're like, there's a bathroom. I get to poop. And then the door's locked or whatever. No. My body already said it's coming. That's what happened. So he just like tore into the bathroom.

It was so funny. It was tight. Yeah. We have a good time. Sean, your third pick. I am still in. Christmas modes. I'm going to say

building gingerbread houses. Sure. Something I've been doing since, really since I can remember. It's the only thing that I can say is every single year

we make gingerbread houses. No matter what I'm doing who I'm with, we do that every single year. I love it. It's the only tradition that I've brought into the Sam's family

that I was like, well, I did this my whole life. And so let's do this, you know, and it's, yeah, it's fun.

It's the only thing that I can guarantee I've done every year, except for go to bed on Christmas. Which I don't even know if I have gone to bed. Making some of those red money houses. That's what I call gingerbread. Red money.

Red money houses. That's sweet. Yeah, I don't think I've ever done that. It's frustrating but fun. Are you good now at them? Are you good at them at the gingerbread houses? Are you good at the gingerbread houses? Are you good?

Like how many rooms? Now there's like little jelly beans on it. Like do you get ornamental with it? A little ginger tub in the back. There's too many kids. now to take it seriously. When there's a bunch of kids around, you can't be like invested in yours.

You can't be like, you know, Max comes over to put a jelly bean on it and knocks over my load-bearing left-wing wall. I can't get mad at her and tell her to go to a room. You don't scream? The house has lost the structural integrity. I go in the garage and scream,

but she thinks it's because I saw a spider. Dad's out they're looking for spiders. Why do you scream at a spider like it's a UFC fighter? Oh, man. Yeah, gingerbread. In the sake of time, you know, gingerbread houses. I love them. I thank you.

This was my time for the morning. Do you eat them? No. Oh, okay. I put them on the mantle. Like last year we made a gingerbread movie theater. It was sick, dude. Sick, I see.

That is not. I love how much you love holiday shit, man. It really is heartwarming. I can't, I cannot wait to go pick up my mom and go to lunch. and, like, probably getting a little argument and then go watch a movie today. I cannot wait. I can't wait.

A stepdad's going to be smacking his lips all day. Can't wait to hear it. Shane, you've picked Jews and tamales so far. What's your thing? That's my baby. Do Wally, everyone. I'm going to watching the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day. Oh, that's a great one.

Yeah, like, it really does not affect me as much as it used to, but it really to know your joy from a holiday is completely out of your control that is especially the young age to be to a degenerate gambler you know like the same feeling when you were like 10 11 12 13 they were really really good yeah and then you're like wow this is great I'll have this going for me forever and since then it's just been like mid

city yeah it's been up and down and just good enough to break my heart sometimes yeah yeah have you guys watch the Cowboys Dock on Netflix? I'm very aware of their antics, though. I read that book. It was so good. If you haven't watched it and you even like a little bit of... There's some stuff that is not in that book,

that you're like, Jesus Christ, Jerry Jones. You are the Vince McMahon of the NFL and then so. Yeah. Do they go any deeper into Michael Irvin? Because that's a story I maybe can't even anymore. Yeah, do you think. Oh, they talk about the White House? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And like, nobody will talk about it except Michael Irvin. Michael Irvin. I was going to say Michael Urban talks about the White House. He's the one to be like, yeah, we call him one else. He goes, I'll give you some stories. Michael Urban's hilarious in that. He's hilarious.

You should have known he was crazy when he wore 47 in college as a wide receiver. He's like, oh, okay, so this guy has no rulebook. What did he say, Shane, when he's like, they want some stories or what's the line? He goes, he wants some stories. I'll give you some stories. We bought this place so we could cohabitate with these beautiful creatures that God has put for us to enjoy on this earth. And he really means.

that. That's how he looks at it. Yeah, he's a fucking wild dude. And he's like, I was born to be a wide receiver. I came out, Dr. tried to slap me, caught his hand. That's what I was looking for. That's the one.

Yeah. Yeah. Try to slap me, I caught his hand. That guy's from Florida for real. Yeah. M and Dion talking about battling is pretty great. Oh, really? Yeah.

I'm like to watch this. I'm not talking to it. It's a very, it is the last dance for football. No. One of the easiest, Yeah, it's the last dance for football, basically. Like, you're just watching a dynasty from the 90s. So it's very of that era.

It's a blast, yeah. But them on Thanksgiving Day is the best. Yeah, that's cool. I just get that. Perfect pick. In the interest of time. I'm going to take, I'm going to go with,

okay, so I'm going to go decorating the Christmas tree. Uh-huh. And in this is included every year we get a new ornament. My mom gets everybody a new ornament. Oh, that's so sweet. It's really sweet. It's really cute. They're always, like, themed to what happened that year.

So, like, the year, Sean did the late, late show, she would have gotten you, like, a late, late show ornament. You know what I mean? Oh. Yeah. Like, so that kind of thing. So it's themed to, like, whatever you. She found an Emmy.

Somehow there was an Emmy Christmas ornament. She found it and, like, gave it to me the year. You know what I mean? Really thoughtful. That's really thoughtful. And she gave it to modern family. And she gave it to modern family. And she gave it.

She gives a Julianne Reiface. No, that's amazing. Sorry, they didn't have one for writing for the Tonys, Ian. Yeah, sorry. She just gets better, man. They didn't have one for quitting the Tonight Show. They, yeah, and then, like, you sit around, you decorate the tree. So we, like, that whole day for us is go out Christmas tree farm,

chop down your own tree. Oh, chop it down. car bring it back put the tree up decorated order pizzas and that's like when the holiday season kicks off that's awesome that yeah i have plug in my laptop um yeah that we went with someone this year to since it's already been said still on the board but we went with someone this year as they did that they went went to a tree farm yeah shit it's fun man i've never done it before like that like at a tree farm it rule oh it's the great we'd always get ours at like lewis or whatever um you know certain areas you can you can't you can't you can't you can't

go hunt a tree down here in LA for example Yeah Just go down to Riverside and just pull a fucking Potted Plan off of us Give me this I'm going to take For my fourth pick Just because it's got to get some recognition

And here what's that? It's kind of Merry Christmas 24 Oh, is she grabbing your package Oh that's an ornament There it is I couldn't tell it was an or like a ornament There he goes

Hornium it Yeah that was when we got it's like Isaac just barbed I was just blowing my nose fourth pick block is I'm about to say something

that I might not be able to back up with facts I think I know where you're going Shane does it all the time I think it is the best seasonal single dish well you can't have a fact-based opinion Right? I mean that, you know, that's an opinion.

I just might not be able to back. Well, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's right, Sean. Fucking dickhead. Talk to me like that. I'll talk to whoever I want, dude. I'll kiss you upside down like Spider-Man.

I'd let you. In the rain. Yeah. I don't eat no potato lot keys. I think it is the best. It's so fucking good. dude. I made lockas the other night with a little sour cream, throw a little hot sauce on there. They're so goddamn good. They're like better hash browns. Yes, they are. Yeah.

Yeah, they're just more cooked hash, but what's a big difference? They're just more cooked. You throw onions in there. They're fried. Yeah. Like in fat, you know, and then you sprinkle a little sea salt on top. Oh, my God. They're so good. And I just love, you hang out, you make a lotkas. And it has to be an event. You can't just like casually cook lotcas. Oh, you can't be like, I just want some lot because I'll make a whole bunch of them. That's, yeah, that's the thing. Yeah. Even tamale's same thing, right?

Yes, yeah. It takes a little bit of work. It takes a little bit of work. And they're just so fucking good. When they're fresh out of the pan. Anyway, Lottkas. That's my fourth pick. 100%.

Shane, time for your fourth pick. Ooh, fourth pick. Oh, God damn it. This is a tough one. But I'm going to say, I don't really subscribe to this anymore, but I always liked going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve.

Oh, yeah. I'm not Catholic at all, but I've been a couple times. I used to love it. You're like, man, if there was a time

to go to church, I don't know. Yeah, I think like, it's the only time I'll still go. Like, I don't like going to, I go and I'll light a candle

for my mother and then I leave. You know, like, but it's like I still have a, I have a fond memory of it for, I guess it's just, it's a sentimental thing. But I really do.

Everyone, is trying to be communal or I don't know or get the next year off to a good start I have no idea but they're trying I feel you yeah yeah there's something about it it's a time for like I mean the holidays are a time when you do stuff that maybe like if you were in a cynical mood that you could be cynical about but you honor those things anyway you're like let me do these things that like these traditions like kind of the ones we're talking about that like means something more than the sum of their parts yeah it's a humanity time man we're all making our own artifacts and shit, that's great.

It's cold out, you know? It's cold out. It's fun. We went when we're kids. We're up late. I was just, like, hyped out of the house at midnight. This is crazy. Yeah, I think that's part of it. And I always just remember, like, I would always sleep on the couch on Christmas Eve. I always like to fall in the sleep with the Christmas tree lights on.

You wanted to catch him. Yeah. I want answers, buddy. Is it a time zone thing? How? Santa Claus, like a job title? Like, there's thousands of you? What is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. And I was nasty this year. Why did I get presents? Intentionally. It was nasty this year. I was a nasty boy. I live like Sean Michaels all year.

What was Sean Michaels doing this situation? You smoke? You smoke. You got to. Sean, your fourth pick. I like an Advent calendar. I always been a fan of the Advent calendar. You know, the chocolate every day on the way to Christmas.

Now we do an escape room. calendar. I've been getting lower one for the last like what? Six years. It has an Advent calendar. He locks her in the garage. You have 25 days to get out of this She wakes up in a different room every day. I'll slide some soup under the door.

It's got, it's an Advent calendar, but each thing you open is a little like a, like a, you know, supposed to be like a 10, 15 minute thing you solve involving the board or like a riddle or whatever. There's no cards in there. They're all like little. It's very, fun. I love it. And just Edges Advent calendar. We got Max one this year.

She ended up taking all the candy out within like three days and we'd just put stuff in it every day and she'd open it like she didn't know what was in there. Some corn. Yeah. A grape. Some of that astronaut broccoli. I'm glad you didn't forget that because that's so good.

We got, Dana got me and Advent calendar. I've been getting her so there's this company. If any other husbands of wives who are from the northern suburbs of Chicago or comparable areas. And I don't even mean Jewish.

I mean upper middle class. Liberty of London does a Advent calendar every year that's full of like, it costs like $350, but I think it has like $700 worth of stuff in it. It's like serums and lotions and all this stuff. Oh, wow. Damn.

Oh, all right. So I'll be getting that for her the last few years. This year she beat me to the punch. She got herself one, crazy. And then she got me one, too. They make one for the dudes. So it has, like, skin stuff and cologne and everything. It is a delight.

I wish she would have got you one from, like, a plaid pantry with Skittles in it or something. I'd be happy. Still, though. I'd be thrilled. Yeah. You know what's great about that for this company, too? You're going to get, like, a face cream. You're like, I have to get a large tub of this.

That's, I think that's the whole idea. Yeah. Yeah. They give you a day's worth, and you're like, this is ill. I need that. Some of the colognes, I'm like, this is a big skip. But they're all, like, travel. travel size too so you can just throw them in the dot bag and like hit the net it's great i think i want to get a bunch of travel size colognes yeah i think that might be the way to do it i think so too instead of getting whole bottles i think it seems smarter to and then you can tell you land on one a little goes a long way is an expression that completely applies to colognes that's what i mean though is where it's like i've had the bottle of cologne i have the main one i have i've had it for i think i got it like four christmases ago and it's maybe halfway long

How often do you put on cologne? Well, when we're going on dates. Every five minutes or something. Maybe a couple times a month. Right before I get in an Uber usually. A couple times a month, all right. Probably a couple times a month. I'll put it on.

I would do it whenever, Ian, whenever we went somewhere back at the fortress, we were like going to the roost or something. But he was goddamn Brian Fantana over there. I got a lot of colognes. I have more than ever. Oh, that was quick. I wear Cologne every day. Really?

I like that. Do you have like a lighter, like, oh, I'm just going to the gym cologne? You're like Sebastian Manus Calco? And then my gym cologne. Yeah, I usually put it on after I shower. But I do have different colognes for different moods. I can see Isaac nodding right there. I do too.

No, I'd like to smell better as I get older, not worse. My fellow sentlement? Sentiment. Yeah, I like that. Is that a doing up with all kinds of stuff? The sentlements. We could start a cologne delivery, a, Cologne Delivery Service called Sentleman.

We can't be the only guys. We can't be the guys who they have to have that, right? A monthly, but not from us, not from the AFE boys, known for smelling good. Not from us, you're right. All fart everything. Isaac cut that.

Welcome to all the business, dude. All right. I'm glad you got your ass for not broccoli thing going. All fantasy essence. Ooh. Can Shane be out of the business too? Ever better. It's always not a fart joke.

Yeah, fucking loser. All fantasy smell-free thing. Hey. If fart jokes are funny, unlike the what I just did, they're fine. Aroma fantasy, everything. Hey, I know we're doing, I know we're ribbing each other as friends often do, but I need to stop and... Fart jokes are fine. I just said a not funny one.

Mine just sucked. Let's all stop joking for a second so I can address the fart joke. Jesus. Jeez. Is it me? It's me. Yeah. No?

No, David. Wait? Yes. this your fourth thing no no it's Sean is Sean is it wait what did you pick he picked I have a calendar oh yeah it's David first fourth and final man this one I so I have only participated I think once I haven't even seen it a lot but every time I've seen it I've been like man that is the Christmas spirit fucking Christmas caroling yeah yeah it's like it's so awesome it's it's like I feel like it

It's almost something that people are like, we're also disconnected that we don't do as much anymore. But it's like, I don't know, man. That's like, that really feels like a community thing. I've seen it a few times. But always when I was a kid at like people with nicer houses house. We got them in Glendale a couple times. Really?

It's so, it's great. It's really, really great. Dana and I were on Larchmont the other day doing a little holiday shopping. And there was just like a local school caroling up and down the street. It was the fucking best. It's so good. It's like, I don't know. Maybe it's because we live in cities,

but sometimes you feel like you're not living in a place with everyone. And shit like that makes you feel like you're living. It feels like people don't like each other sometimes. I don't think they, you know, out in the world. Fucking moron. You guys are, you guys are sick. Sick of your shit. You guys are sick and twisted nasty boys.

Sick, nasty, twisted dick boys. Little dirty ball sackers. You know what I'm going to do my final pick? Can I do my final one? Yeah, yeah. This is one that I, you know what it is when I, when I, when you throttle down the partying on a holiday, you kind of see. what is really fun about it sometimes.

Yeah. Because this was one that you could always do as a party. But I like dressing up for Fourth of July. Oh, yeah. It's like just go on a little American, and you don't have to go crazy. Put on a little American flag bandana. We're all doing it.

Yeah, yeah. USA board shorts. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I really like that. Don't hate that. I love that.

I really, it's like, it's like nice. It's like, because listen, there's always going to be those people who will clutter up your Instagram feed, but it's like, we all live here still. We all live here still. It's like the Thanksgiving haters where it's like, just eat the fucking cranberries. Yeah.

Because you just say anything. Eat the fuck. Just eat the fucking cranberries. You didn't say anything about indigenous people yesterday. You're not doing it tomorrow. Shut the fuck up. We're all off of work. Can we come together on one fucking thing one time?

Okay, for not bringing a dish, by the way. It's a pot look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Show the fuck up. Oh, you're vegan? Well, this is a hot thing. dog party, you prick. Yeah.

Hallelujah. But yeah, yeah, dressing up on 4th of July. I just, it's fun. It's the one holiday I think dogs dress up for. Yeah, that's right. Christmas sometimes, I guess. Yeah, I can go to Christmas. I found it.

I found it. Look at this. Yeah. There we go. Jesus Christ. That's what I'm talking about in the backyard with a turban. Yes. And we don't have to explain anything else.

It was a It was one of those It was a goddamn catastrophe. It was one of those paper lanterns. Yeah. Oh, nice. And I broke it in half and wore it like a hat.

You did. You innovated on the lampshade guy at an office party. You did a new fat guy bit. I did a new fat guy bit. I had an American flag. That's on my Instagram, right? It's on mine. I was going to say, honestly, put that next to the Emmy credit.

It's, it was. It was a Fourth of July party. We had these stolen from Nick Goans. We had these fourth American flag glasses and we were passing them around. And boy, I went and got, I went to the corner store, got a 40, dropped it right in front of the store on accident. And I was like, oh, and I just walked away, I walked back to the barbecue. Didn't even go in and told the dude. That was probably that was doomed, though.

You were getting a supplemental 40. Yeah. When you're getting a 40 when they have beer at the party. Sure. That's a Sean move. Yeah. My shadow was almost not existing. It was high noon, you know?

Yeah. A little early for the, for the second, maybe third, 40 of the day. Sean, your final pick. I like getting everyone scratchy's for Christmas. Oh, that's, scratch. Scratiados. It's always an easy one. Everyone's always hyped when they get them.

There's that small chance. They're going to win. It's potential. A hundred thousand dollars. And then I'm going to be like, well, peel, you know. What's the baddest you ever hit on a scratcher? I got a Yoda lid for 20. I don't know, 2.30, 240.

Whoa, really? You motherfucket. That is, that is really funny. Mine was three plus for sure. Okay, if somebody, if you bought someone a scratcher, what would you expect to get peeled off if they hit more than, I thought, oh, more than five grand? Would you expect to get peeled off a little if they hit more than five grand? Honestly, it's got to be up to 10, 25 before I'm asking you to heal me.

Depends on what state of your life you're in. Say someone's nice shirt right now. Ten years ago, it doesn't. It doesn't matter what it is, it's 10%. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, you know, like, yeah, like, what if somebody hits a hundred. Yeah. Life, like, like, like, like fortune, yeah, you got to peel me off.

10. 10% I think that's reason. But like if you, let's say you get someone to scratcher, they get 100 grand. What do you, what do you expect to get out of that? In your current state of financial affairs. How much was a scratcher? Ah, two bucks. That's all 10 bucks.

Dinner? Yeah, 100 bucks. If they hit 100 grand. equivalent. Yeah. A equivalent one. We were going to be like, I need $5,000. What would you give?

I would give someone easily $5,000. If I hit $100,000. They're getting taxed on it. You don't know. But they're walking with $100. They're walking with $100,000. That's their lucky moment. Yeah.

Let me ask you this. Would you give someone, if they got you a scratch, you get $100,000? What would you give them? It depends on who gave it to me. That is true, too. Family? Yeah. They're going to get some money.

Okay. Oh, I was going to say, this is a. Just check. I'm prolonging this. Sorry, it's interesting to think about. You just want to, I think I split it 50-50. I just give it all back. Thank you for the opportunity.

I don't want $100,000. I want to grind harder. Shane? Shane, your final pick? I want to grind harder. It's so funny. Oh, God, do you have a final pick. This was tough.

I'm going to pick carving pumpkins. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm awful at it I get frustrated at it but when I see a great one like if somebody has like a Jason Voorhe's hockey mask you're like one of these fucking

you're like that's awesome I love seeing it every time yeah I carve two a year now because I do one for Arthur as well yeah yeah how old till you let him get behind the knife five

Max got behind the knife this year and it was fine children used to learn use tools all the time you get those bendy knives that they can't really cut your fingers unless you're like sawing your finger you know

Max got it in there she's four she's swinging oh there you go really good oh that's cute yeah oh yeah is that a mustache or a frown frown oh okay oh I like it better as a mustache though a mustache

I mean that really is how you see it yeah yeah yeah yeah uh that was dagon the acal lanterns real fun time Totally. Yeah. We throw on a scary movie or not scary movie, like a cozy Halloween movie and then carve them and then put them on like the exorcist or like terrifier.

That's my problem with a shotgun would be so funny. Lighthearted, a little. Yeah, yeah. That's my problem with horror movies, by the way. I can't just throw them on. Hell no. You know? Well, they kind of, you're really missing their intention.

There's no suspense building if you're not watching it. Yeah, if you're not like, yeah. But I think the people who like. him can. Yeah. I'm just not a horror movie guy. That's because they're sick, twisted ball sacks. They're sick,

sick, twisted nasty dick boys. They're dirty ball sackers. Oh, we're such dirty little dick boys. Everyone loves it. If you're not watching the video, everyone thinks it's hilarious. By the way, Sean, I watched the family man last night. I wanted to tell you.

What do you think? It's okay. It's good. It's standard fair. Yeah, it's just a, you know, a good, a good reimagining with Christmas Carol. Don Cheadle, Denver's-Ale-Loney. Come on.

Do you think it's one of the 20 best holiday movies of all time? Well, okay, so here's what we were talking about last night. The good thing about holiday movies, it's all the same movie. They just recycle it. So I guess it has elements, right? It's all the family ones are all the same or there's a Grinch. You know what I mean? It's all the same.

Right, there's some formulas. I've watched every race is a holiday movie this year. And that's just because if you watch a black one. racist you mean you said race is yeah I thought for second area you put on a black one they'll throw on a Latino one afterwards and it's all the same thing as the white one the Jewish ones there's some great Jewish ones yeah you know what I mean we all come home we have our problems we get through it because usually we neglected mom uh yeah and then she and then there's a moment of appreciation yeah we just watched Michelle Pfeiffer one it was like

the exact same thing uh I watched family stone this week yeah that's I like that's I like Another one I like a lot. That's a great one. We watched when Harry Met Sally last night, which has Christmas in it, but it's not a holiday movie. It's a New Year's movie, I feel like. It's a little, it's a holiday season movie. It's a seasonal movie, yeah. Yeah.

Damn. Billy Crystal's rocking some good sweaters in that movie. It's just rocking everything, dude. He's so funny. My final pick. We're going to take Christmas lights. Oh, yeah. Love them.

They're so great, jealous. I might do blue lights. I might do Hanukah lights on the house. I might fuck around and do it. Do you have lights on your tree? No, you guys don't have a Christmas tree. We don't have a tree in the house. You don't have lights on, do you have lights on your house?

No. Oh, is, why not? Because they're, I don't know. Have you thought about getting one of those inflatable draodles I see around Los Angeles? I'm not an inflatable guy. I decided that. Have you thought about converting to Christianity? Have you thought about your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

I've definitely thought about it. I've had thoughts about that. Yeah, thoughts about it. It's so funny. I have some thoughts. Have you thought about converting? I've had some thoughts about. I have opinions.

What if that's Arthur's High School Rebellion? Damn. I want to celebrate Christmas with my girlfriend, Mom. He's like Bob Dylan. He's going to cut you guys deep. He goes Christian. It'll be harder for mom than for dad. Oh, that's tight.

I'll be able to ride that out pretty good. Care about his Shix's a girlfriend. Yeah, fine. We all do it. You'll come home. You'll come home. You'll see. I love it.

Man, that's so real. That's awesome. Isaac, do you have a pick? Yeah, when I was younger, getting money on Lunar New Year, you just had to bow to the adults and they just give you a bunch of money. That sounds like a rap. Allowance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that. Get money in the Lunar New Year. Is that a dumpling holiday? Getting paid like Lunar New Year. Every holiday is kind of a dumpling holiday, but it's not just an age. Just like every holiday is like every holiday. In general, yeah. Yeah, every holiday is dumping holiday.

We do make dumplings together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You make dumpling soup together with the dumplings that you made with your own hands. It's a good time. It's a great time. We kind of have a dumpling dinner. When Sean's in town, we've got to figure out some sort of dumpling situation. We still do K-Town night.

I'm sorry. It's going to be in the New Year. Let's lock that in. Since I got you can cut this. Something got cut. Okay, really quick. Just to wrap up. First of all, Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah. Happy holidays, everyone. Quanta. Do people really do? Kwanza? I don't know. I saw it somewhere once. Sometimes I feel like the white dude and get out when I say happy Kwanza.

Yeah. Wrap it up, Dickhead. All right. I don't even know happy's what the main. Yeah. David took two drunk at the holiday party, Chicago dying the River Green, a Valentine's Day hookup, Christmas caroling, and dressing up for the 4th of July. Sean took Christmas Day movies, going to the

bar of midnight, building gingerbread houses, having an advent calendar and getting people scratchy lot of tickets. He went full Christmas. A man of the season. Yeah. A man who lives in the moment. Shane, you took Jews, getting Chinese food on Christmas night, making tamales, watching the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, going to midnight mass, and carving pumpkins.

I took going around the table saying what we're thankful for on Thanksgiving, decorating the house for Halloween, decorating a Christmas tree and getting new ornaments, making latkes, and putting up Christmas lights. And just actually seeing Christmas lights. That's my favorite part. Isaac took getting money on Lunar New Year. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All FantasyPod on Twitter.

Wait, no, we're not on Twitter anymore. Hit us up at All Fantasy Podcasts at Gmail.com. Shout to everyone on the AFE Patreon, the All Family Members. Thank you so much for holding us down all year. We appreciate you so much. Shout to everyone on the AFE, subreddit. Shout to Mega Producer. Our baby Jesus in the manger, Isaac Cayley.

Shout to St. Sue Carmel. Shout to Frankie O's. Shout to Sid the dude. Shout to Hajjibati. It's more important than all of that. Tune in again next year for another. All, Fantasy, Everything. So, Kwekatee, he, he, he, he.

That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends.

We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So the audience members can ask questions about friendships And we can answer them to the best of our abilities Yes We are professional friends We are professional friends Subscribe to best friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocketcast

Or wherever you get your podcast And watch videos on YouTube New episodes drop every Wednesday That's the middle of a work week I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing I'm really sorry I felt the support I was so, okay, I was trying to be supportive.

Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.