All Fantasy Everything - Insults That Don't Have Cuss Words (w/ Mike Mulloy, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: January 14, 2021

Listen up, chowderheads, it's AFE! Sean, David and Ian welcome Enemy of the Podcast Mike Mulloy to draft insults that aren't cuss words! You ol' bing-bong.Episode Guest:Mike Mulloy @fake...mikemulloy IG: @fakemikemulloySupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: allfantasypodcast@gmail.comAdvertise on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. There's more to imagine when you listen. Listening can lead to positive change in your mood, your habits, and ultimately your overall well-being. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of pop culture, from Samuel L. Jackson movies to crimes we'd like to commit and everything in between.
Starting point is 00:01:06 On this episode, we're drafting insults that don't have a swear word in them with our guest, Mike Malloy, who was about a half hour late and deserves all of these insults. Tell him. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me as always are David Borey and Sean Jordan. Let's get to it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that just fucking has had it up to here. I'm right here. Mike, Mike. And I said this is the one where I wasn happened up to here. I'm right here. Mike. Mike. And I said this is the one where I wasn't going to swear.
Starting point is 00:01:52 This is the one where I was like, I'm not going to do an actual swear word this whole time, and I'm still not. You better sit the farg down. I'm going to fucking do 50 for this fucking idiot. Mike looks like he just made a beat for the first time yeah yeah mike's got fruity loops mike works like a wayward contestant on the white rapper show starring mc search i was just watching that uh a clip from that yesterday i completely forgot about that show what did i tell somebody well somebody tweeted it out yesterday about the the white rapper show what was that mc uh who's the dude from third base that's what i just said you fucking colossal asshole no i know i'm saying i'm saying i'm just remembering c's search yeah
Starting point is 00:02:31 yeah yeah michael looks like he just found out his boat got cut out of the deadliest catch i mean i got a henley and i don't look like i'm i look like i got kicked off the boat oh no yeah you look like someone who rollerbladed to the Battle of Bull Run right now. You look amazing, Ian. I'm very proud of you. So there's that. You do look amazing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:54 Sean looks like he should be getting dragged out of his house right now for having some of Nancy Pelosi's items in his home. They can't close the bar if I don't leave. This is the people's house. I pay taxes. I don't get how taxes work. Sean looks like he built the Unabomber cabin inside the Barrack Skate Park.
Starting point is 00:03:18 It's my manifesto and then my trick list right next to it. Kill the government 360 flip. Sean's one of the non-playable characters in tony hawk that's just selling meth by a van mike looks like a character in saints row like if i was if i had if i was a tattoo artist i would say to mike right now like well we don't have any boondock saints tattoos in the book but i mean there's nothing saying i can't just freestyle one yeah it's like it's like a dildo anything's a dildo anything's a boondock saints uh tattoo if you try hard enough i don't agree with that line of logic in the slightest
Starting point is 00:03:59 john you didn't write a manifesto you wrote a gold fingers super manifesto now and you say there's an Emmy in your house it's in my house I hit it when I drove up to Portland for the holidays and it's still in the hiding spot I hit I hit it once I missed it you put it in the front yard once I did I hit it first I was just gonna say I'm raging on that Emmy you're putting uh you're putting all the stuff like all your desks and stuff you should just put the emmy on the gram be like last chance anyone that wants it anybody wants it up for grabs i'm sorry purge i'm acting like i don't have it does your cup have vodka or is that a hilarious joke that married people make it's a hilarious well it's not married i don't mean married but like wait vodka for those at home listening it's or wherever you are listening out in the world it said my mug that i'm drinking peppermint tea out of says may contain vodka
Starting point is 00:04:50 but it's from kachka i bought a bunch of like stuff from local restaurants in portland just to do my part because i can't eat there so it's just a mug from this restaurant called kachka lavka uh and they they do vodka flights at kachka that sean and the nicholas nampay not on the podcast not in the studio wait wait wait vodka flights are for alcoholics right yeah yeah oh those are shots of vodka that's just six shots of vodka bro it's gross it's a classy restaurant it's like a really good restaurant and like they maintain that there are different flavors of vodka and we went in there curious as cats and i can tell you they all tasted like vodka yeah i bet it was six shots of vodka vodka flights i didn't know anybody did that i didn't either we asked him we're like what is it is it is it just what it sounds like and they're like yeah you get
Starting point is 00:05:41 to sample the vodkas and we're like okay, okay, six shots or a flight, please. And keep them coming. We got a long dinner ahead of us. We got drunk. When I first started drinking it, a grown man told me, don't drink vodka. It's for alcoholics. Well, my dad could attest to that as he was a firm alcoholic. He was stead fatty.
Starting point is 00:06:04 Did he drink vodka? Stead fatty. Stead fast. He beat it. He level stead fatty. Stead fatty. He beat it. He leveled up. He beat the final boss. A 100% voting record with the alcoholic. He beat the game. He had the high score. He had the high score, man.
Starting point is 00:06:19 Yeah, vodka, I don't know. But you have to hear, if you go to a Russian restaurant and they're like, hey, we have a vodka fly, you want to hear them out at least. You want to hear them out. Of course we were going to get it. One of the fanciest parties I've ever been to was in Manhattan just off of Times Square
Starting point is 00:06:37 at a Russian restaurant. And they had all these different free vodkas. And you know what? I got drunk exactly how I would have if there was one vodka yeah 100 when i first started going out my i would get screwdrivers that was what i you know when you don't really know how to order yet oj yeah that's what you started with all hours of the day yeah whenever i got a drink i would never it never changed it was just like let me and then every now and again i'd get a Jaeger bomb.
Starting point is 00:07:07 Like screwdrivers and a Jaeger bomb. But that tradition holds. That holds till now. You still every now and again get a Jaeger bomb. Yeah, that part hasn't gone away. The screwdriver. Yeah, that ain't going to go away either. Bro, I'm 33 years old.
Starting point is 00:07:26 And in the past five years we've been hanging out, I've only done Jaeger with you oh that ain't going anywhere no yeah we're gonna keep this soon as comedy festivals start again get ready for jaeger bombs to start again i may have done my last jaeger bomb i really think that's okay i think that's okay i i do not care for shots as you guys know that has never been uh a thing that i i really enjoy you get a little slap happy after you have a couple. You also don't care for good bars. David, get out of here. I like nice places. You like stupid bars that have like a quesadilla deal
Starting point is 00:07:56 or whatever you're always trying to get. Yeah, listen, I'm trying to get some bang for my buck. Yeah, I mean, okay, they have chips and salsa for 40 cents. Idle hour is nice. Idle hour is nice. Idle hour rules. Idle hour is nice. That's what we'd be probably in three hours from now
Starting point is 00:08:11 if this was under normal circumstances. That's a fair point. Ah, damn. Shouts to, what was her name? Eliza, our waitress. We'd be there three hours from now, but we would have been scheduled to be there two hours from now. Listen, no, they don't open until noon listen i was i would have been here on time my fiance
Starting point is 00:08:29 doesn't want me to be great and she turned my alarm off because she heard it going off on a sunday morning and said this can't be a real thing you haven't had anything to wake up for in months what would you what would you have to wake up for on a sunday and i had told her that it was this but she also was asleep mike mulloy last time i was at idle hour was with you and jamel the day kobe died and we got drunk oh actually no that wasn't the last time you and i did go once in like june for one drink and then felt bad about it for four months oh i forgot about that we broke quarantine once and then i did really feel upset was uh mike were you oh mike why don't you go
Starting point is 00:09:05 yeah go go walk somewhere were you maybe late because you uh who's coming into your house bro what are you doing yeah it's dinah bro i'm gonna kill my boy what did i do i'm sorry you look like you just took a master class on how to be the fourth person in charge in an MMA training corner. Oh, he for sure looks like the guy in the corner who just holds the spit bucket and tells you to keep it real. And you scream his nickname that only his grade school friends know, but you weren't actually a grade school friend, but you still know the nickname. That's how close you are. Shadow puppet. Shadow puppet. This ain't the Jersey home for boys no more. That's how close you are. Shadow Puppet! Shadow Puppet!
Starting point is 00:09:45 This ain't the Jersey home for boys no more. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Bruv. Sean Lissy's S. Grant on... I like that. On the Pushing 40s, Pushing Boardies app. That's right, dude.
Starting point is 00:10:03 How are you doing, man? What's going on? Good. We were Pushing 40s, Pin' Boardies app. That's right, dude. How are you doing, man? What's going on? Good. We were Pushin' 40s, Pushin' Boardies yesterday. Somebody made stickers. I think Ryan made stickers that say Skate Club on them. I showed Lauren. She's like, that is so cute.
Starting point is 00:10:14 And I was like, I'm almost 40. What do the stickers look like? Just says Skate. It's in the whip. Otherwise, it just says Skate Club. Kind of like Fight Club, but Skate Club. Actually, that's probably what it is. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. That's about about it shout out to charlie what's up charlie he was hanging out the other day at skate club you do any ollies or what dude i did
Starting point is 00:10:33 a trick i ain't never done before i did a nollie 50 backside 180 out we all know what that is we all know what that is that's right you don't know what that is we do know what that's so that's a front side ollie no it's a nollie 5-0 isn't a nollie doing a nollie with your front foot it's a nollie it's a nollie 5-0 grind so yeah it's a good like a nollie front side 5-0 backside 180 out and then he does it and then he does a backside the side he usually doesn't spin out. That's what I said, I thought. Yeah, I'm sorry. Nelly did a trick?
Starting point is 00:11:10 Nelly? Nelly? Was he wearing his sweatsuit? Yeah, or his suit suit. Or his suit suit. I'm not here to abide all this Nelly slander. No, certainly not. He's a national treasure, and we should treat him as such
Starting point is 00:11:26 here you go and i never got the answer and i i'd like the answer what does e.i mean yeah underlay underlay mama e.i e.i what does e.i mean i think it's just a noise yeah i think it's the name of the song is e.i period yeah i think it's just name of the song is E.I. I think it's just an what's popping in the eye thanks for nothing dudes enjoy Ian dude it stands for enjoy Ian you wanna fucking get salty with somebody
Starting point is 00:11:56 take it to fucking Nelly's doorstep not ours you got me salty about 47 minutes ago you could not fight Nelly my man is jacked. I never threatened you. This is Sean. This is Sean's battle.
Starting point is 00:12:09 He's the one upset about EI. I had nothing to do with it. Listen, I'm just glad that I told everybody that Hold the Line is the best Toto song. That's all I've been up to, Ian. Thank you very much. One of Mike Malloy's biggest wins. And especially now that they came for Africa
Starting point is 00:12:22 for being white savior bullshit. Yeah, that song's dumb. Yeah, it sounds dumb as hell. It's about missionaries. Fuck them. I wish it would have been about something. I love that song. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:35 It could have been about anything. I miss the rains down in New Zealand. Yeah, Wichita. What if it was about Wichita? It changes nothing. It really would. It doesn't atita. What if it was about Wichita? It changes nothing. It doesn't at all. The melody is still the same. It rains down in Wichita.
Starting point is 00:12:52 But you grow up the son of John Williams. You start thinking you can get away with shit. You start thinking you can do colonizer shit. You saying that is assuming I know who John Williams is. The composer, dude. The only composer that I would know off the top of my head there's only one composer i mean
Starting point is 00:13:11 alive zaytoven there's only one composer danny elfman his name is dan yeah exactly danny elfman hans zimmer slander dude hans zimmer and jack black's character from the holiday he's just an actor i thought he just chases baby yoda from movie to movie oh no that's han solo do you think of hans solo no was it hans zimmer in uh baby is his name is it is this might be my caution of the wind moment no you're thinking of warner herzog is it hans solo I'm thinking of. Werner Herzog. Hold on, David. David, please. We've discussed this. Go ahead.
Starting point is 00:13:47 Also, it's Werner Herzog. And it's Ibiza if we're going to get technical. Yeah. Is it Han Solo? No, it's Han Solo. Han Solo. Yeah. Not Han.
Starting point is 00:14:03 That's what I'm saying. Han Solo. Yeah. Han. Han Solo. Yeah. Not Hans. That's what I'm saying. Han Solo. Yeah. Han Solo. Shane had an open mic at this place called the Boiler Room that's no longer there. Called him Hans Solo in the middle of the set. And this was right towards the beginning of us knowing each other. And this dude Kyle in the back.
Starting point is 00:14:19 So Shane said Han Solo and this dude, because there was one side for comics, and Kyle just goes, Hans? And then we all started laughing and Shane's like, yeah, f*** you, and he didn't. Oh, I swore. Dang it. I was going to do it. Were we trying to work clean? Marissa, we put an air horn over that.
Starting point is 00:14:36 I still admit that I swore, but anyway. I said a hard C on the pre-roll. Anyway. I said a high C, dude. Very blessed. We're the C-bros. That guy who said a high c dude very blessed we're the c bros that guy you said a hard c is david boring cool guy jokes 87 on instagram the g is silent on twitter hey hey oh how are you doing buddy i'm good man i'm in i mean i'm currently in fort collins colorado i'm looking at a cutout of Danny DeVito
Starting point is 00:15:06 and a painting that my man Greg Edwards did. I'm all right, man. Can't complain. That's a beautiful setup. Yeah, can't complain. Why is there a cutout? Who cut the Greg Edwards? Yeah, explain the terroir.
Starting point is 00:15:17 I'm at Sam Talent's house by his book, Running the Light, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he has a cutout of Danny DeVito because for his sister Sophie's birthday, they got a Danny DeVito cutout and a Drake cutout. She has the Drake cutout at her house. This is all very inside baseball family type shit. That's fun.
Starting point is 00:15:37 Yeah. Yeah. He has the Danny. Do you want me to get it? Yeah. Yeah. I'll be right back. Mike might as well take. Mike, you might as well go somewhere, huh? Yeah. Yeah. You get it. I'll be right back. Mike might as well take...
Starting point is 00:15:46 Mike, you might as well go somewhere, huh? I'm going to fucking kill Mike. I'm just going to finish making my Paloma. Jesus, guys. You know? He's making another egg white cocktail. It's 7 in the morning. It's 9 in the morning.
Starting point is 00:15:58 It's 9.30. So you know what's killing me, Mike, that I explained earlier and that will be left in the podcast now is that when you're across the room like that, our super producer has to work so much harder to make you sound good. And just so everybody knows, I had to take my sweatshirt off because I am pissed off. And that doesn't happen a lot. All right. I'm back. See, it was that quick. You could have just seen it.
Starting point is 00:16:23 It's back with Danny DeVito. It's not even DeVito from a movie. It's just him in a polo shirt. Yeah. He looks like he's there. That's just everyday Danny. He looks like he's on the red carpet for an animated movie that he produced. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:16:38 Like it's that level of dressing up. My body and me. That is awesome. He does. He looks... Wow. Danny, I didn't know you went to target hey you got me i can yeah we just hang out we go to the stand devito dude dan i think i think it's life size it might be it's not hard yeah i mean he's not a a statuesque man he's what, 5'3 in IRL? You can be statuesque and be short.
Starting point is 00:17:08 Don't do that. I mean, I suppose. Doesn't that adjective normally mean to tower over somebody, though? I think so. I think it means tall. No, I think it means you're ripped. Okay. That's what I always thought.
Starting point is 00:17:21 You're built like a statue. But Buddha's a statue statue and he's not like ripped i think it's like tall and athletic well buddha is based on the japanese god hoti siddhartha gautama was not that uh how's the house for collins dude it's good man i'm i'm not coming back to colorado los angeles for a while because it's, you know, literally the worst place in the world. And if you're in it, it's fine. But going back to the worst place in the world for a pandemic is not the smart move. It's not even fun being in it, man.
Starting point is 00:17:57 I haven't gone in anywhere that isn't my house. No. Period. Just like since we've gotten back from Portland. That's a bummer i've been out here we went fishing yesterday we didn't go fishing yesterday we went fishing to and we unloaded all this shit and then we found out we didn't have the allen key for the fucking uh the drill but i've been out here man i've been having a good phone in the lake anyways though just to i'm gonna come through
Starting point is 00:18:26 that fucking screen david drop is gonna open up a french kissing bar in fort collins i'm gonna i'm gonna drop kick you on the nutsack how about that how come there isn't kissing bar yeah how come that's not a thing a kissing bar that'd be successful i mean pre-corona that would have been a very i think that would have been a pretty lucrative business. $5, you can get all the kisses you want. Every bar is a kissing bar. Yeah, the Roost was a kissing bar sometimes. Nobody advertises it at that, and it should be.
Starting point is 00:18:55 The Roost was not a kissing bar. I've kissed at the Roost. The Roost absolutely should not be a kissing bar. It might have become a kissing bar between the four of us, but it wasn't supposed to be. I've kissed at the Roost. I've kissed at the Roost, and it's still not a kissing bar. the four of us but it was it wasn't supposed to be i kissed a woman at the roost i kissed a woman at the roost and it's still not a kissing bar i've kissed at the roost i've also slapped mike mulloy open-handed in the chest at the room that's what kind of bar it is i've slapped way way more people that i've had hot meals at
Starting point is 00:19:17 the roost and you're a big hot meal at one in the morning at a weird bar guy too so that's saying something mike's a big let me see if this place has meat pies energy listen you can't fuck up a meat pie i can't help but notice you didn't have shepherd's pie on the menu but if i wink i get a shepherd's pie is that right but i see you have the ingredients for a shepherd's pie i see mashed potatoes i see several vegetables i see ground beef i see you have a hamburger you must be able to make shepherd's pie let's uh are there any welshmen in the kitchen yeah yeah industrious you're industrious i believe i want to look like the craft service table at the departed right here so that cookie you got looks like katherine zeta jones john had already gone to the well
Starting point is 00:19:58 with boondock saint swan city it's just like what's another boston what else is in there huh mike and sean look like they're working the craft service table at fucking the department. We do look like we get along. We're like, oh, that's my Duncan. Here's your Duncan. Sorry, we mixed up Duncans. No, it's a Duncan.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Fake Mike Malloy on Twitter. I think it's also fake Mike Malloy on Instagram. It sure is. Yeah. Nothing on Twitter. Didn't you get booted? No, Zach did. Zach got booted, dude.
Starting point is 00:20:24 Zach was still standing. They came for me. They No, Zach did. Zach got booted, dude. Zach was still standing. They came for me. They tried coming for me. Zach got permabanned. Is that right? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:32 Zach got permabanned for telling Lindsey Graham to eat a bullet. Well, he looks hungry. I don't know what the big deal is. I don't know. Do we have to be nice to fascists? No, I don't. I don't. First, they came for Zach Toscani and I said nothing.
Starting point is 00:20:46 Yeah, they said nothing because it was kind of funny. Then they came for Mike Maloney and I was like, hell yeah. Hey, wait a minute. It's a real journey of radicalization, dude. From a purloined fried rice, shrimp fried rice, to wishing a sitting U.S. Senator kills kills himself we got no zach on twitter ever again allegedly i'm i'm i'm working i'm working the angles i'm i'm hitting up what the fuck are you okay this fucking guy bro the same way that i got on permaband i was proud that they they had the
Starting point is 00:21:21 the kid uh on death row they were like he's done he's had we've had he doesn't want to hear it what were you called from the governor uh what did i do i think i told somebody to suck my dick which isn't a threat it's merely a suggestion yeah you shouldn't be able to get perma band for saying suck my dick yeah and i was just like hey this is you know i was in in the bounds this is merely i i didn't say you have to suck my dick. Right. I didn't say I'm going to make you suck my dick. I'm just saying suck my dick. And if you choose to.
Starting point is 00:21:51 Stop saying it. I don't like that you're not leaning into a microphone. It makes you seem way more casual than us. And I'm not into it. I don't know. Listen, doing my best. No, you're not. Let's not even open that one.
Starting point is 00:22:05 At 9, 10 o'clock in the morning. That's the best I'm doing. He's setting a personal best for this hour. What do you have to promote? What do you have to declare? What's going on? Fucking nothing. What do I do anymore? Do I do stand-up now? I don't know. I really don't think so. What is my life?
Starting point is 00:22:21 Me and Danny make, me and the young boy, Danny Cug cuño make drinks every thursday on the faded uh live stream if you guys want to check that out danny willis is a young boy i love that kid dog i love him he's the best uh we had a we had a great time on uh on new year's eve with the uh the happy hour show we did uh we rang in every new year and that's a really good idea he's in new york so i was just as soon as they had their new years you're just like all right let's keep keep it rolling we had uh new york yeah yeah he's back with his parents uh february february i love danny man man like that's a guy i really love man he's the best So, yeah, faded, and we have merch and shit.
Starting point is 00:23:08 You can find out where that is. It's cool. I found a white faded hat the other day. I found a white one. The summer edition. The summer edition. The Super Soaker colors. Yeah, the Super Soaker colors.
Starting point is 00:23:19 You get back over to Glendale proper and wear that, and you'll be awesome. Also, shout out to that box of gushers on mike's couch oh no starburst starburst is getting crazy they're in the they're in the yogurt game now they're in the fruit by the foot game now starburst has been in the yogurt game but yeah i mean but like that's a seal that you see it and you're just like all right i can trust this i can i can trust this quality it's a label of you see it and you're just like all right i can trust this i can i can trust this quality it's a label of quality yeah what have you gotten starburst that it's not at
Starting point is 00:23:49 least like ben ben you you know you ate it and you're just like yeah that's starburst all right i've always been happy with starburst i don't think they give enough pinks out no well this is a uh this is a 12 pack so it's a pretty it's a three-a-piece split. Sorry for being a negative Nelly here, but EI think that Starburst just came out with a... Didn't they come out with a spicy Starburst that I want to say isn't that amazing? I think you just think it's spicy because it's like raspberries. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:23 There's lime in this. What's this spicy lime? Oh, it's spicy. Was it Starburst or Skittles? One of them came out with something spicy. Skittles did do a spicy or like a... They did something a year ago. It was Kerry Kittles.
Starting point is 00:24:41 Kerry Kittles came out with a spicy flavor. Kerry Kittles. Kerry Kittles had a take on nancy pelosi that's pretty spicy that's what you guys remember he was sharing farrakhan tweets online that's exactly what it was i always i mix up farrakhan tweets and spicy starbursts that aren't real quite a bit this isn't the first time that's i mean we all know that about you you gotta tell me baby i love you thanks for accepting me for who i am i like spicy skittles man i try a spicy skittle yeah me too i'm in i'm for it and then there was one there did like a cool ice or something starburst or skittles and it tasted like cough syrup and it was not oh yeah it tasted like a
Starting point is 00:25:19 halls yeah sorry for being such a see it's hard to not swear because i don't want to say any of the things for being a negative nelly why you can say the fuck word i'm trying not to swear the whole time i just swear this whole he's only cussed once and it was as shane so i think i think you get the pass in my mind i was like we're doing i'm gonna do it i can say the fuck word right yeah you can say whatever you want okay you said it three times i sure was swearing in the 26 minutes it took you to get on the call i was swearing quite a bit before so i think we got it all listen you want to take it up with somebody you take it up with management you figure it out with liz you if you think i'm ever gonna say a crossword to liz in my whole life you're out of your mind
Starting point is 00:25:58 if liz liz could do anything and i would still blame you chain then i would be mad at you for it because she's a saint yeah that that call would have come down from maloy you could see the whole chain too because that henley is buttoned low oh i like it hold on hold on i like it i like it a lot how come every time you come around see it goes unbuttoned a little bit lower. What's up? Hey, let that brown sugar dance. Don't. That is one thing I'm upset by the timing of this pandemic, because I don't know if you guys remember. I was like on the cusp of a chain before we went.
Starting point is 00:26:36 I remember. I remember. Yeah. I'm feeling froggy boys. I think it's chain a'clock and you guys are you gotta be careful I got three chains man that lifestyle sucks you into it
Starting point is 00:26:54 it sucks you in I didn't even know I bought a Cadillac I just woke up it was in the garage running yeah my name is Ian Carmel bought a Cadillac. I just woke up. He was in the garage. Running. Yeah. My name is Ian Carmel. I'm Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on
Starting point is 00:27:13 Jewish... I gotta start looking up these apps. Jewish PetSmart app. Well, they're not real, you see. Safeway Delivery app. Jewish Safeway Delivery app. Serving the Pacific The great American West Jewish parlor
Starting point is 00:27:30 Is there not a Jewish parlor Jewish parlor What is parlor It's for racists It's for racists to think they have free speech And not understand how Free speech works And how consequences work
Starting point is 00:27:44 So it's Twitter. It's Clubhouse for white people. It's Twitter, but... David, we're not supposed to tell white people about Clubhouse. Don't say we... We're not supposed to... Listen, I was...
Starting point is 00:28:00 I got an invite upon high. This fucking guy... You know what, Mike? Just take your drink and go back to bed, huh? I did meet Mike at a black barbecue where he was the only white person. That's true, though. Oh, you were like the guy in the Dre Day video. I don't like...
Starting point is 00:28:19 I'm not one... I hate white people that are just like... That claim that. I don't want to do this. Let's keep moving. no no no no no let's see where this is going no but I'm saying like barbecue specifically I hate
Starting point is 00:28:34 specifically white people that are like I'm going to run into the barbecue but no David happened to be at a barbecue I did meet you at a barbecue that is true so yeah alright Ian's still looking like he's waiting for me to fuck up more It was Sanjay's barbecue. That is true. So yeah. Ian's still looking like he's waiting for me to fuck up more.
Starting point is 00:28:51 And it ain't happening, bud. I'm smashing these pistachios. I've been waiting four years and it hasn't happened yet. No, never going to get my comeuppance, bud. You've been preying on my downfall. It's never happening. Yes, you are. It's going to be so gross when it happens. It'll never happen.
Starting point is 00:29:07 Listen, this week you've shown you fuck with me and you're going to get got. President Trump, what happened to your Twitter, Bubba? That shit is going to get involved. Shane had something to do with that. That's a joint operation. Yeah, that is a joint. He's right.
Starting point is 00:29:22 I mean, we do have to recap. I have nothing to promote other than this tweet that Shane put out today. Shane, if you're listening, man, like, it's important that we get this on the air. Shane tweeted, every day I wake up and think to myself, I wonder if the country I live in is still called America or if it's been appropriately renamed Tire Fire. Hey, that's a good tweet. Fucking shit, man. The heat has just turned up.
Starting point is 00:29:47 I don't know how long that's going to take me to chisel into marble, but I'm going to do it. At this point in the game, you'd fucking pull the starters, but no, he's got them all in. Yeah, he's already up 30 on Donald Trump. What does he got to run the numbers up for? They're running plays. He's still throwing flea flick Trump. What does he got to run the numbers up for? They're running plays. He's still throwing flea flickers.
Starting point is 00:30:07 They're up fucking 40. It's first down. Fake punt. Get out there. It's going to be hard for Donald Trump to recover from this one. A package just got delivered. Thank you for the package, dude. Probably a pipe bomb.
Starting point is 00:30:23 We're done drafting, right? Yeah, we're done drafting. Yeah. No, we are gathered here today not only to celebrate some of the highlights of Shane Torres' Twitter account, but also to fantasy draft insults that don't have cuss words in them. Insults that do not have cuss words in them. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollic of game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. Here we go.
Starting point is 00:30:48 I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, David wins! That's David. Shout out to David. Shout out to David. Now, David, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine
Starting point is 00:31:04 the order of today's draft, but before you do that incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? Great question. It's like if you're putting mustard on a hot dog. You don't just dump it. You don't do it with a spoon like a caveman. You take.
Starting point is 00:31:19 And I'm serious. So what you do. I do. I spoon it on the side. I've seen you. Well, you order nothing on hot dogs. If you're from what I've gathered. You like a hot dog with absolutely nothing.
Starting point is 00:31:29 I'm going to bear hug you and jump down the stairs. Spread your bad attitude all over it. Listen, what it is is when you start at the. I'm going to spread my fat latitude all over it. You want to get the mustard all the way from tail to trotter on a dog. So you start at the tail and you go over. What are most dogs like, maybe a three-fourths of an inch. So you go to the right three-fourths of an inch, you go down maybe half a centimeter, and then you go to the left three-fourths of an inch, down half a centimeter,
Starting point is 00:31:56 right three-fourths of an inch, all the way to the trotter. So you mustard from the tail, kind of in a squiggly sort of line down to the trotter. And then if you're David, you throw it away because now it's got mustard on it, but the rest of us would eat it and enjoy the ball game. It's crazy. Cause what you said is gibberish, but I completely understand from the root of to the two to basically what it
Starting point is 00:32:15 means is you pick fourth in the first round. You pick first on the second round. Now, David, with that in mind, what will the order of today's all fantasy, everything fantasy draft be? David,
Starting point is 00:32:24 Mike, Sean, Ian, David, Mike, Sean, Ian. David, Mike, Sean, and Ian in the hot corner. It's going to be a hot corner for you and Carmel. All right, David, that means you have the first pick in the insults that do not have a cuss word in them. All Fantasy Everything Draft, and we'll get to that pick right after this short break.
Starting point is 00:32:42 This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by policy genius, policy genius. I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy genius. Essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. So I have life insurance. It had nothing to do with me. It's my wife did everything, but it's tough. It's a hassle to go through and get. You have to research it, which I don't like researching anything. If I buy something, I just go into the person that works at the store and say, what is right in the middle? What's not the best? What's not the worst? And that is how I do it.
Starting point is 00:33:44 how I do it. With life insurance, obviously, you want to be a little bit more careful about that. But how do I know where to start? You know what I mean? I have no idea what to do, where to look. Nobody does. And that's what Policy Genius does. They just go in, they find and compare all the best quotes for you. They just go to all the nation's top insurers, and then they give you your best options. They're just a few clicks, and then you're going to find your lowest price. And their expert license support team is your advocate. They work for you. They're just a few clicks, and then you're going to find your lowest price. And their expert license support team is your advocate. They work for you. They're not getting bonuses. They're not getting anything like that from certain insurance companies. They're not out there being smarmy. They just want to help you out. They're answering the questions, handling the paperwork, shaking the hands, kissing the babies. They're doing it all for you.
Starting point is 00:34:22 And if you don't have life insurance, I know it sucks to talk about or to think about, but you're just going to stick people with the bill. You're going to stick your loved ones with the bill. Don't nobody want to do that. You know what I mean? Get covered. I don't want anyone inheriting my debt. And then they see what I spent money on. Probably. I don't need all that nonsense in my life. Get it covered. Get an insurance policy, get it handled. And like I said, Policy Genius gives you unbiased advice from a licensed expert support team. They have thousands of five-star reviews on Google, Trustpilot from customers who've felt the benefits of their service. So get on it. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate. Oh, yeah, I got a song on Spotify as a rapper.
Starting point is 00:35:02 That's neither here nor there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with PolicyGenius. Head to PolicyGenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's PolicyGenius.com. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country. You figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley. All right? You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that. Two Damon movies. I'm out here. Obviously, you're not ready for that, but you still want to learn a new language because everyone in the world
Starting point is 00:35:39 knows new languages. They know multiple languages, and we all only know one. knows new languages. They know multiple languages and we all only know one. Get it done with Babbel. Babbel is going to help you the quickest way possible. You speak like a whole new you when you got Babbel. It's science-backed language learning app, and it's going to get you talking fast. They had science-backed. What else do you want? Wasting hundreds of dollars on private tutors. That's the old school way to learn a new language. Babbel, they have these 10-minute lessons. They're quick. They're handcrafted by over 200 language experts. And they're ready to get you talking in three weeks, ready to get you speaking a new language.
Starting point is 00:36:14 I should say speaking a new language. You don't talk a language. Anyway, talking is the key to really knowing any language. You have to. You got to do it. You got to be saying it out loud. And Babbel, they have tools. They have tools on the app where you can speak the language. They'll help you with your accent. There's things where on the app, they will talk to you, and then you can decipher what they said. It's all the real world applications that you're going to need to actually use it. Babbel's tips and tools, like I said, they're grounded in real life situations. Everything's focused on conversation. So you're going to be ready to talk everywhere you go because that's the key, conversation. You want to know how to get by, right? And like I said, little 10-minute segments,
Starting point is 00:36:56 they're perfect for, say, someone like myself, don't have a huge attention span, 10 minutes in and out, boom, you're done. And don't just try a word for word. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, shout out old ladies, alma mater and beyond, they prove that Babbel works. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college, which, come on, that's a no-brainer right there. So give it a try. Honestly, get up in there. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, you get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash all fantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash all fantasy, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply.
Starting point is 00:37:40 This episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could, let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up.
Starting point is 00:38:04 It's going to keep your anxiety at bay, which, man, wouldn't that be nice? And it's going to do it all day long. It's like a Swiss army knife for your mind. Might sound like a magic pill. I know I said it before, I swear to God, it's the plot of Limitless. It might sound like that, but you can actually get it done. There's the magic of microdosing with Schedule 35. Their products, they're backed by science and dosed to a precise amount so you get exactly what you need to tackle your toughest days. And you don't get the hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to destigmatize and educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there are a ton. And they also want to make it accessible for everyone. Each order ships discreetly. No one's going to get in your business. No one's going to be in
Starting point is 00:38:53 your kitchen stirring your Kool-Aid. It just comes in a nice little box. And it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code all fantasy at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code all fantasy. Man, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that
Starting point is 00:39:27 has ever existed. The only one in the world. This is it. I see people talking about maybe other podcasts sometimes, and I just don't buy it. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get bean boozled again real quick. You guys think about that. I left the box down here. Are you about to get bean boozled?
Starting point is 00:39:44 Never heard of one. I'm going to to pick one and then I'm going to see which flavor it could be. So it's either going to be spoiled milk or coconut. Damn, dude. Spoiled milk, spoiled milk, spoiled milk. Spoiled milk. It's coconut.
Starting point is 00:40:04 Oh, no. I think I was wrong. It's dirty laundry. Why is that a flavor? Speaking of dirty laundry, Shane's been airing Donald Trump's dirty laundry out on Twitter. So follow him at Shane Torres on Twitter. Sean's been being boozed. Let's try to have another one to wash the taste out of your mouth.
Starting point is 00:40:31 No, I don't have anything to drink down here. That's a good idea. That's a good idea. It's a dangerous game. It could be rotten egg. It could be barf. Both my friends that I'm hanging out with for the rest of the day. Yeah, you're going to skate with them after this.
Starting point is 00:40:43 David, you have the first pick pick what will that first pick be i'm picking one that i've appropriated but bro to tell the truth i got this from mike malloy oh oh i bet yeah do it do it i got it i got it in reference me and mike were hanging out and he i was like what kind of beer does your dad drink yeah and mike malloy was like he drinks bud heavies like a ding dong oh that's not what i thought you were taking i like ding dong that's not what you thought i was taking no hold on don't say anything else but i know what mike's gonna take for sure ding dong first pick interesting i say a lot yeah it's good i like it i say it a lot and now is i gotta ask is the ding variant out because i did have a ding only ding dong is out only yeah only ding dong because i have another ding on here too no no no only ding dong is out oh yeah yeah it's it's it's
Starting point is 00:41:41 an interesting one it is it is it is like it's it's harmless it's playful but it's also condescending like this fucking ding dong it's condescending is that's the thing about all these they're all pretty condescending dong yeah fucking ding dong oh david taking a swear in in the lead up david's david's example is me me fucking calling my dad It was because you called your dad and it was so hilarious. Because I was buying your dad a beer and I was like, what does your dad drink? And you were like, he drinks Bud Heavy. He's like a fucking ding dong. What's a Bud Heavy?
Starting point is 00:42:14 The Budweiser. Oh, the Budweiser. It's not Bud Light. A standard Budweiser. Yeah, standard Budweiser. I'll tell you this. I don't like, never have liked. Don't like a Bud
Starting point is 00:42:25 That's because you're a fucking ding dong I don't mind a Budweiser I already put it in there They're too sweet I think I've had a full beer Since the time that we went into lockdown My nose is growing out of frame But you're going to need to
Starting point is 00:42:43 I know this about I drink with Mike, he hates beers He's a fucking ding dong My nose is growing out of frame, but you're going to need to. I know this about. I drink. I don't drink beer anymore. He hates beers. He's a fucking ding dong. But I also just like I haven't. I haven't been drinking beers because just like if I'm going to make a drink, I'm going to make a drink drink. He's a cocktail man.
Starting point is 00:42:56 Yeah. Yeah. I just don't drink at all anymore. I haven't. You know, I went to the eye doctor the other day. First time I have checked. Do not drink. Probably in my life.
Starting point is 00:43:10 Well, after like 18 or whatever, where it's like, do you drink alcohol? And I said, no, cause I kind of don't. When was the last time? Was it down here? Yeah. And I sure did. So if they would have asked me in that four days, I'd have been like, I do. If they would ask me in that four days, it would have been 60 to 100 a week or something like that.
Starting point is 00:43:25 Whatever the highest box is. But I'm probably down to the lowest amount of alcohol I've been drinking. It's just that I make a nice drink instead. Are you drinking right now? Yeah, but I'll have three drinks today, and that'll be it. I don't have many days where I have seven, eight drinks anymore. And that was something that... I think we can all agree anymore. That was something that...
Starting point is 00:43:45 I think we can all agree that seven drinks was the perfect amount. We can't all agree on that. I could agree at seven. No, that was the zone. I'll close on that, but I would keep drinking probably. At seven, I'd be like, this is perfect. It's not like I didn't do 12,
Starting point is 00:44:01 but I hit seven. Seven to nine is when you're fucking firing on all cylinders. And then 12, you get kicked off of Twitter. Yeah. Free my guy, Zach Toscani. Free Zach Toscani. Free Toscani.
Starting point is 00:44:14 Before the pandemic, I was drinking like I was trying to be the best at it. It was... I was doing like double tequila sodas. What is that? In a pint glass. It's a learning experience i think we're all doing versions of that and it'd be like yeah you know it didn't taste good but we were starting to get to the point me me and david at least where like we were peeling out a faded uh
Starting point is 00:44:37 the bar at 12 like we were finally starting to like not stay there till the last call oh yeah i was i was trying to i was trying to I started being like I'm not gonna spend $100 even if I buy people drinks although shouts to fucking what was the bar next to snake snake pit yeah slash oh yeah the snake pit
Starting point is 00:44:58 place was fun they always hooked us up and fucking I tell you who never did was goddamn what was the place that we used to go public house public house they made sure they charge us they charge us for if we breathe they charge us for air yeah but they didn't have meat pie they did sell a meat pie though at a shepherd's pie they did sell a shepherd's pie which i appreciated deeply however they made us pay fucking ms MSRP on every fucking drink.
Starting point is 00:45:26 Yeah, that place sucked, man. But it was close. It was a fun walk. It was, yeah. But, you know, easier walk to fucking Snake Pit was better food. Are you smoking weed? Calm down. What? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:37 David, I'm getting my element. It is. All right. Let's keep going. It's a little Honda element. What's time? You're about to say what time it is? Because what is time, David?
Starting point is 00:45:47 Ding dong is my first pick. It's something that you wiped your butt with for 26 minutes while we sat here. That's what time is. Well, I'll tell you. I thought you meant 9 o'clock Hawaiian time. Notice how I said wiped your butt? I'm not swearing, bro. There it is.
Starting point is 00:46:02 I'll tell you what time it is. It's time for Mike's first pick. There it is. I'll tell you what time it is. It's time for Mike's first pick. There we go. I'll tell you. I was very worried because, and I think you guys know what word's coming. Bozo. Oh. That's not what I thought was coming.
Starting point is 00:46:16 That isn't what I thought was coming. That's a great one, though. Bozo's great. Bozo's fantastic. Bozo's fantastic. Oh, now I'm trying to think of what other word that it is that I use often. Yeah, it'll come up. Yeah, don't worry. It's probably on my list,. Bozo's fantastic. Now I'm trying to think of what other word that I use. Yeah, it'll don't. Yeah, it'll.
Starting point is 00:46:27 Don't worry. It's probably on my list, but Bozo. Oh, God. It's it's one of the. Oh, I think I know what you guys think. I think it is. OK, never mind. Bozo.
Starting point is 00:46:38 No, I'm just because honestly, I want to get like I'm trying to win. I'm trying to make sure I get my picks. So, yeah, Bozo. Number one. Hey, he's a clown though he's a clown but he's also like the most famous clown got me moving slow-mo they bozo and it's just like yeah i'm pretty but i'm logo i feel like any any insult has to be like a two-syllable word yeah like ding dong boom bozo boom like it's it's got some fucking some kick to it rhymes you know it's it's a jack you want to you want an insult to be like a dagger oh yeah like like you're getting stabbed like when they uh in liberty city when
Starting point is 00:47:18 scarface and another dude stabbed that dude and then hand the knife to somebody else like i ain't in these streets more than sesame baby gave me head that's a low blow yeah there it is yeah that's my favorite part of that whole movie that would be so scary dude you're in wait what movie he's not he's not chanting rebega though he's chanting Libertad And then he picks out the knife And he says Rebenga And Rebenga's just running
Starting point is 00:47:56 Still got his hat on and everything Like you're dead bro Like I don't have a shooter to the left of me Exactly Bozo's great dude Bozo's a great info Like I don't have a shooter to the left of me. Right? Exactly. Exactly. Bozo's great, dude. Bozo's a great insult. Yeah, that's a good one.
Starting point is 00:48:08 That's really. Even if it wasn't a clown, you would know you were being insulted. Like if you don't speak English and somebody motions to you and is like Bozo, you're like, oh, fuck you then. It hurts. Because, yeah, he was an international clown. There's nobody that like that's, you know. It's him and Ronald McDonald.
Starting point is 00:48:28 But if you're calling somebody Ronald McDonald, that could be near, like, fucking, I don't know. It's also very New York City. Wage theft or, like, giving to kids. Only people. I only know of people from New York calling people bozos. Bozos, yeah. Which is, it should come back internationally, you know what I mean? Bring it to the West.
Starting point is 00:48:47 Is it a Northeast thing? I feel like it. Yeah, for sure. For sure it's a Northeast thing. I got some good Westerners say it. I got one buddy in particular that's real good with the no swears insults. Micah, shout out Micah. He's like the best, the no swear insult guy.
Starting point is 00:49:02 I love it. He's up in the Bozone lair? Yeah, he says bozo quite a bit, and a few more that I'll pick. Now I'm really wondering what it is you guys thought was going to be my number one with a bullet. I think you know what we thought it was. You call her Stephanie? I call her Heffity. You don't open doors for her.
Starting point is 00:49:20 I just want the neck, nothing more. I do open doors. I do open doors. I don't want the neck, nothing more. I do open doors. I do open doors. I do. I don't want the neck. When I heard that lyric, I was like, oh, I don't want to get neck ever. No, I do. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:49:33 I do want neck. Anyways. Yeah, Bozo's was a good pick. Sean, your first pick? My first non-swear insult is a coward it's my favorite yeah yeah absolute my absolute favorite that is you you love to text it so it came from macho man if you guys have ever listened to macho man's album that he put out he goes there's i think yeah against hogan where he's like, I smell a coward.
Starting point is 00:50:06 Be a man, Hulk. We named a skate video of that. And then as soon as, because we started listening to that pretty heavily, I still stand by the production on that album, by the way, pretty good. It's a top five diss track. It's good production.
Starting point is 00:50:21 But anyway, we would- What are you guys saying? There was some real vitriol in those bars and and listen vitriol at all diss track bars you can't just be like it's a top five it's top five and he got hogan canceled everybody listened to macho man he was right uh be a man hogan but anyway we would call everything everybody was a coward and still is. It was a term of endearment. It could be somebody not even cutting you off, just somebody else in a car on a street that you're on.
Starting point is 00:50:52 You're like, look at this coward over here. Pretty much every time you ask us what day we want to record. Yeah, what day do you cowards want to record? It's pretty much every single time. It also fits for like doc holiday could say it call someone a coward like if he called johnny ringo a coward that's that's deep it's a time traveling one yeah yeah i don't know if people would know what to think if you call him a bozo or a ding dong in the 1700s but oh yeah it's happened yellow yellow belly a few times you
Starting point is 00:51:20 stop using pics uh it's happened a few times on stage where I would, you know, somebody would say something and I'd be like, what was that? And not even in a confrontational way. And they wouldn't be quiet. And I was like, are you going to be a coward about it? And I'd be kidding. But I could feel the room be like, oh, whoa, whoa, this guy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:39 Pistols are down. Pistols are down. You said not confrontational, but then you said a very confrontational thing. Yeah, coward is definitely like very yeah that's a fucking white glove across the face yeah if you say that to someone who tucks if you say that to someone who tucks their t-shirt into jeans there's a fight happening yeah i got i got my girl out and you're talking back to my face calling me i got my girl out i got my friday wranglers on and you're gonna brother me? Brother, my son
Starting point is 00:52:05 is here. You're gonna talk to me like that? I got bootcut jeans and new balances on. What do you call me, a coward? Dog, we picked my daughter up from palms practice to come to this Papa Murphy's. You're gonna talk to me like that? Nah, nah.
Starting point is 00:52:21 I got this t-shirt for free for signing up for a credit card at a state fair, and you're going to call me a coward, dude? I am wearing a jump rope for heart wristband. You going to talk to me like that in front of my Subaru Outback? No. Yeah, take a walk, coward. Take a walk.
Starting point is 00:52:38 Not today. Not today. No, that's a fucking Ford Focus sort of wristband. That's not a Subaru Outback. That's not an's a that's a fucking uh ford focus sort of sort of wristband that's not super that's not an open-minded has anyone in this call marissa included ever called someone a coward yes oh because of you i call people cowards yeah for real because of you only because of you though you ever called someone a coward for it yeah like they were exhibiting a uh distinct lack of someone a word that is not is synonymous with coward that i got in a fight over but these are all synonymous with coward but yeah well mine's a curse i've called
Starting point is 00:53:11 somebody i've called somebody a bitch like for real like oh like oh it's a good thing we're not cursing on this huh i don't know if i've got someone a coward for real i'm cursing i'm not sure if i have i want to say that i have probably in somewhere in like 07, 09. That was the fuckest month of my life. Is that the month you got in 10 fights? We got in like four fights. Yeah. And I imagine I would be shocked if I didn't at some point call someone a coward.
Starting point is 00:53:41 You say it to everybody when you get drunk. I don't think you even know. You say it a lot. Yeah, Sean, sean you definitely say it a lot it's pretty tight like david i would say in my any period of my life where i might have been compelled to call someone a coward for real i used a different word probably yeah yeah but that's what i meant that's what i meant yeah slap the shit out of him too he had a razor in his hand you guys go uh you guys go to about two and a half years at usd and you can get polished up to start calling people cowards instead of swear words not going to two and a half years at usd because i don't need to own a kinkos i stop it the usd coyotes my friend and i'll hear
Starting point is 00:54:30 nothing else wait is it north dakota jack rabbits dsu is the jack rabbits sdsu is the jack rabbits stop being a coward that's in that's in brookings right that is in brookings playboy you got it bro i'm international i've beenitated, never duplicated. Ask about me. I let it in water polo at USDA, dude. Yeah, yeah. I know that about you. They don't allow water, so I don't know how you did that.
Starting point is 00:54:54 You were a forward. Yeah. They have an outdoor pool. Sam Talent is here. He's looking. Outdoor pool. Sam's looking sketchy right now. What's up, Sam Talent? What's he doing, dude? Come here. He's looking sketchy right now what's up sam what's up sam talent what's he
Starting point is 00:55:06 doing dude come here he's he's he's looking sketchy what's he doing wearing nike monarchs and dressed like a fucking pervert he is wearing nike monarchs he is wearing nike monarchs fresh monarchs for doing wtf didn't he yeah because he did come here plug your book real fast yeah hey everybody congratulations on your weight loss and you look great buddy WTF, didn't he? Yeah, because he did come here and plug your book real fast. Yeah. Hey, everybody. Congratulations on your weight loss, Ian. You look great, buddy. Thank you, Sam.
Starting point is 00:55:29 I appreciate that. Sean, what are you up to, pal? Chilling, man. Living life. How you doing? He said chilling, man. Living life. Did you use all the words we came up with last night?
Starting point is 00:55:38 No, we didn't come up with. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. Bro, that's not what happened. That's not what happened. Don't do that to me. You're telling what happened last night? Don't do that to me. Get the fuck out of here.
Starting point is 00:55:45 Get out of here. David broke one out of here. Get out of here. David broke one of my chairs. Get out of here. Get out of here. One of my nice chairs we got from America's First Shoe Warehouse. Oh, my God, dude. This fucking guy. And then he flipped it over, and my wife was like, my God, what happened?
Starting point is 00:55:55 And he was like, I can fix it. And then he proceeded to break the legs off. Okay. I'm strong. Great. I'm glad. I'm glad I brought you here. I'm glad you came over. I'm glad you came over.
Starting point is 00:56:06 I'm glad you came over. My best fucking friend. Thank God. Did you guys say Chode yet? No, get out of here. Stop. Get the fuck out of here. Sam T's honorary pick.
Starting point is 00:56:17 What a piece of shit. Dang it, dude. Chode is a dank one, too. Oh, man. Yeah, what a fucking asshole. He just came in and put up numbers like Lou Williams off the map, dude. Joe does a dank one, too. Oh, man. Yeah, what a fucking asshole. He just came in and put up numbers like Lou Williams off the back, man. Stepped in like Lou Will and then I'm out. It's hard to explain how much I really fucking hate that guy.
Starting point is 00:56:34 Four for four from three. Just came in, 12 points. Wow, man. I did break the legs on that chair. No, I believed him. I didn't think he was lying I've broken my fair share of chairs No get out of here go make coffee
Starting point is 00:56:49 You don't get to fucking come back Mike he wasn't talking to you sit down This is how I make my fucking dough bro Coward Time for my first two picks as it is A serpentine draft Oh my god we've been doing this for three hours I can't believe my first pick is still on the board
Starting point is 00:57:04 I really thought one of you snakes was going to snake it from me. Or should I say one of you schmucks was going to schmuck it from me? I'm taking schmuck. Yeah, that was on my shit. That was on mine, too. Exactly. That was on mine, too, for sure. So there's two that I know for sure that you're going to pick.
Starting point is 00:57:16 And I imagine your second one I got. But schmuck was the first one. Maybe. Schmuck was the first one. I had to take schmuck. Thank God. I was going to have a real. I was going to have a conniption if I didn't get schmuck. If I. I was going to have a real... I was going to have a conniption
Starting point is 00:57:25 if I didn't get schmuck, if I could say that. Schmuck is perfect. It's Yiddish. You're conniptive to what the dick did. I'm conniptive, dude. Is schmuck really the cut-off whale? What is schmuck? I was mixing up. A dork is a whale penis.
Starting point is 00:57:42 I'm sorry. Schmuck is the part of the fourth skin that they throw away. Schmuck. I recently. Is that really true? Yeah. That's what schmuck is. And for that reason and that reason alone, I recently texted one of our producers to
Starting point is 00:57:57 say, can I say schmuck on TV? And it turns out I can. You're allowed to say schmuck on network TV. Because it's a discarded schmuck. It's discarded. And yeah, that's not one of the words you can't say on cbs and you can't say god damn it you can't say foreskin you can't say foreskin you can say five skin though dude yeah the doctor said i had a doctor said i had a problem i got a lot of extra dick i got five you know how tyra banks has a five head yeah
Starting point is 00:58:27 it's pretty it's prehensile you can keep a fucking mic you're muted mike is muted yeah we can't hear mike god did that what an idiot i didn't mute me oh there it is now we can hear you didn't why would I mute me because you're the only one there put it on his tombstone here lies Mike Malloy I didn't mute me but wait
Starting point is 00:58:56 death muted me I forgot what I was about to ask schmuck I feel like us taking it would have been appropriation. We can't take that. Anyone can say schmuck. I've heard Sean say schmuck before. I saw a video the other day where Michael Jackson said schmuck. It would have hurt my feelings.
Starting point is 00:59:14 I'm a direct influence. If I'm going to steal a pick, I'd really think about it. I knew I was stealing the smell of weed. I knew I was stealing Lil Boosie. That's because I didn't have a ton. What he means is if he's still going to steal a he's gonna do it from a black person i didn't have damn well now i gotta be quiet for a while don't i uh schmuck is a great pick though that's a great one how do you feel when sean
Starting point is 00:59:41 steals picks from your people by by the way? My people? I am very well aware of what I am. I'm aware of what you are, too. Oh, man. Yeah, Schmuck. Schmuck is a good- I love Schmuck. I love calling people Schmucks. I love muttering Schmuck while I'm driving in traffic.
Starting point is 01:00:05 It's just one of my favorites. Now with my next one, I don't know if this is the one you thought I was going to take. I bet it is. Sean, but I'm taking, it was one of the suggestions when somebody suggested we do this, I'm taking knucklehead. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Is that on my list? I love calling people knucklehead.
Starting point is 01:00:23 That's not what I thought, but I have heard you say that so much so yeah knucklehead combined with schmuck is a fun one calling someone a schmucklehead is a fun one schmucklehead we're just making new ones up that's tight my family actually came over on the schmucklehead
Starting point is 01:00:39 yeah they were here on the schmucklehead when my family first got here my great grandfather labored as a schmucklehead for a while classic schmucklehead yeah yeah when my when my family first got here my great grandfather uh labored as a schmucklehead for a while yeah classic classic yeah schmucklehead 101 the uh that was that was that was the uh union yeah it took me a while to get there pipe fitter schmuckleheads and uh and and boatswains yeah it's like kind of what you call somebody when they wear jeans snowboarding for the first time. A real schmucklehead. Yeah. A real schmucklehead.
Starting point is 01:01:08 Yeah, knucklehead is real fun. It sounds like it's from the 1920s. It's all there. Hold on one second. What did we get? It's got three... What are those things that I can't remember? Syllables?
Starting point is 01:01:24 Syllables? Yep. It's got three syllables. That's a good one. Three syllables is like what you want in a name that you're going to call somebody. Three syllables says, or syllables has three syllables also. Syllable. Yeah, that weed's
Starting point is 01:01:38 starting to hit, huh? Yeah. Now my brain's working, baby. The game's slowing down. I'm seeing the chest pieces on the ceiling i feel like that's what you're doing every day is just saying that and laying down on the couch i knucklehead is a better uh schmuck is fun to call someone to their face knucklehead is a better... Schmuck is fun to call someone to their face. Knucklehead is a fun one to refer to someone as to another person. It's also good for young kids.
Starting point is 01:02:11 These knuckleheads over here. Knuckleheads with a skateboard and it's 7am. Yeah, my little brother is a fucking knucklehead, dude. Put a shirt on. I get it. You can flip. Shout out to my little brother. He's hilarious. He's no knucklehead, though.
Starting point is 01:02:26 Knucklehead's perfect for you I love knucklehead If I'm talking to you I would refer to someone else As a knucklehead Yep absolutely this knucklehead thinks This knucklehead thinks we're going to wait an hour to start the show No It was 29 minutes and it's Liz's fault I wasn't even
Starting point is 01:02:43 Talking about you honestly I wasn't I was just in my mind thinking of a scenario that's's fault. I wasn't even talking about you. Honestly, I wasn't. I was just in my mind thinking of a scenario. That's funny. I earnestly wasn't. I was done giving you guff about that. That was Liz's fault too. Sean, time for your second pick. My second pick is Joker. I love calling someone a Joker.
Starting point is 01:03:00 You do say Joker. Is that an insult for you? Isn't that more of a compliment for your people uh you mean you mean juggalos well actually it's hold on a second it's funny you should bring that up mike i actually have a loose poster of the word hold on get out of here this guy there it is yeah why so serious yeah i have a joker poster right here i just love it i was on tv show with will smith called this joker it never came out every time every time sean tweets we call him a joker poster yeah just want to watch the world
Starting point is 01:03:39 burn dude no i just love it when it's because it's not uh it's it's not bad but it still gets it out. And a lot of this, for some reason, I picture myself in traffic. When someone cuts me off and I'm trying to be cool about it, I'm like, this joker. This joker. Yeah. Or if you see someone lost in the mall, clearly lost, that's another good time to use it. Be like, look at that joker.
Starting point is 01:04:00 Look at this joker. Someone trying to decide what they want on the menu while you've already ordered. They're a joker oh look at this joker someone trying to decide what they want on the menu while you've already ordered they're a joker joker that guy doesn't need to go to hr lollipops or whatever this joker's lost this joker candy store is called isn't it like the one that we went to and got all the gummy bears for the table a good replacement for mf yeah my my uh my lollipop my lollipop intake is at an all-time low. Oh, yeah. I haven't had a lollipop for over a year for sure.
Starting point is 01:04:29 I represent the Lollipop Guild, so I keep them on deck. Is a sucker a lollipop? Any sucker? Whoa, saying picks now, dude. Whoa, come on, man. Dog. I need you to relax. Some things mean two things.
Starting point is 01:04:40 You got to relax, bro. I think any lollipop is a sucker, but any sucker isn't a lollipop. No, that's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. Put that on Mike's tombstone. What do you think a lollipop?
Starting point is 01:04:51 I think flat. Yeah, like a big with swirls on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a pinwheel lollipop. Too big for your mouth. Yeah, but you could have a spherical lollipop. That's a lollipop too? Okay, maybe I'm wrong.
Starting point is 01:05:05 There were the ones with the S on them. Oh, no, I don't want to say another pick. Yeah, really. The ones with the S on them. Come on, guys. I'm just saying. It was said. It was said.
Starting point is 01:05:16 We are dropping peas. It was in the air. Dropping peas all in it. Joker. Joker is my pick. I love calling people jokers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great pick. You do mean both coward and joker. I've heard you use it as people jokers yeah yeah that's a great pick you do mean
Starting point is 01:05:26 both coward and joker i've heard you use it as terms of endearment though too yeah absolutely yeah yeah you jokers all that these are they don't all have to be insults they just can be because some of my other ones i've i some i somehow sneak in most a lot of insults as terms of endearments which we'll get to you know the coward the joker these are all nicknames for you dude the midnight toker the midnight toker the coward the toker the comedy of sean jordan coming to seven feathers casino raw dog radio dude in winnemucca nevada you guys ever do that back when we used to do stand-up i never did stand up uh mike time for your second pick so as soon as sean uh started saying joker i i figured out what
Starting point is 01:06:16 it was that i think you guys thought my first overall pick was going to be because that that jay uh jabroni yeah absolutely yeah that's 100 it wasn't it but it's funny because it was not on my uh on my list initially and then it wasn't on your list i just i had made my list fairly you know fair like a couple days ago and just it escaped me and a couple days ago he means in the in the in the three minutes between you calling him to wake him up and him showing as soon as soon as Sean asked me about it, I did have a list of seven or eight. Yeah, but you were in the process of texting a relative,
Starting point is 01:06:54 so it doesn't really count. This is true. But yes, Jabroni is... As soon as you started the J sound, I was just like, oh, no, because I realized it. I think right after Ian's second pick that it was. I wouldn't do that.
Starting point is 01:07:10 That was what I was going for. Yeah. I hear you call people jabroni all the time. What's a wrestling thing, right? You straight up love it. So, yeah, it's just. No, the rock. The rock.
Starting point is 01:07:21 That's right. Yeah. So it's just a job. Is it? Yeah. A jobber is a guy that loses dollars wrestling matches. What if you only knew The Rock from Ballers? That guy from Ballers used to be a wrestler? What else does he do?
Starting point is 01:07:36 Dude, that guy from Ballers is in like seven movies. You ever see The Rundown? It's really good. Walking Tall? The Rundown is the one with Sean William Scott, right? It's really good. Walking Tall? That guy from Ballers is actually... The Rundown's the one with Sean William Scott, right? It's him and Stifler. Walking Tall's pretty good, too.
Starting point is 01:07:51 It's like a new Roadhouse. Walking Tall's a remake. Of Roadhouse, right? No. It's like the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like how you both know. I wish I could take over a town with a big stick.
Starting point is 01:08:08 Those are both movies where somebody's just had it up to here, dude. That's the whole movie. You know what? You know what? I was at here. I moved to this town. I got to here. Fuck out of here.
Starting point is 01:08:19 You took me up to here, man. You took me up to here, and I got a piece of wood about it. Yeah. Oh, man. You took me up to here and I got a piece of wood about it. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, Jabroni. I thought that was going first absolutely with you. I was worried about getting Bozo off the board.
Starting point is 01:08:37 Explain the etymology of Jabroni again. So a jobber is a person in the wrestling community who loses every uh, every, every match. And then somebody just threw a rigatoni on it. Just made it. It doesn't matter what you think.
Starting point is 01:08:51 It's a rigatoni. The rock. That's what he do. He's not like, but also that's a thing in, in wrestling culture is there's a lot of like Carney talk. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh.
Starting point is 01:09:02 So I try to stay away from Carney. That was my first mix. That was my first mixed that was my first the illusion of wrestling is referred to as kayfabe which is just fake in fucking carny speak what are you saying right now bro who opened this i don't open pandora's box you're you're throwing a lot of words at me right now. I'm trying to explain how wrestling words. I'm going to take a little disrespect. Watch your mouth. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:30 Is it pig Latin? Yeah. Kayfabe? Yeah. Oh, face. Yeah, it's fake. Oh. No, pig Latin would be achefay.
Starting point is 01:09:41 So, yeah. But it's carny speak is what they refer to it as wow i didn't know that and then the rock invented the term jabroni i'm pretty i mean it probably not invented but definitely like it doesn't matter what he invented is that bit working do you guys remember that do you remember that hit song with him and wyclef yeah it doesn Yeah! It doesn't matter! Yeah. That song slapped. Yeah, that was a good one. If you ain't sharing,
Starting point is 01:10:09 people ain't caring. It doesn't matter how many bet we do that. I didn't even like wrestling at that point in my life and I still listen to that song a lot. Yeah, that song was funny. It was funny, bro.
Starting point is 01:10:19 Shout out. Because if you ain't sharing, people ain't caring. Come up in the club and they take everything you're wearing. I think that him and I think the Rock and Wyclef should do a lot more stuff. Yeah, a lot more.
Starting point is 01:10:30 They need to get the band back together, bro. They got to get them back for one last heist. I'm serious, bro. Right now, after his unsuccessful bid to be the president of Haiti? We're ready. Yeah, what happened to Wyclef? Wasn't he stealing? No, he wasn't.
Starting point is 01:10:52 Get out of here. No, wasn't there a big allegation of him, like, stealing from that charity? He doesn't steal shit. I think there was. I think there was allegations. No way, man. I'm a Wyclef stan. Listen, no, I'll still listen.
Starting point is 01:11:03 I'll still listen. Fucking, just because she dances go go it don't make her a hoe no i'll tell you what when he did it though i was like why oh why i was upset she used to be the sweetest girl second and third picks as it is my second pick i say it but not that often but it's one of the few things that i feel like sounds like an actual like it sounds like you say it with it sounds like a curse word yeah you you you dweeb dweeb i've heard you call someone a dweeb yeah i say it a lot about nerds or sorry i'm using pics that's my next pick anyways so it's fine it's dweeb into nerd i use okay yeah i use both of those actually kind of a lot that's what i was
Starting point is 01:12:01 gonna say for my term of endearment where it's's like, what's up, nerds? I love saying that to my friends when I see them. People get mad at me. I don't think nerds are that great. Yeah, I know. Yeah. They had this little rental. We didn't have their time in the sun, and look what they did. Weird.
Starting point is 01:12:15 Turns out these dudes who never talk to girls are really terrible about them. Huh. Crazy. Look what Mark Zuckerberg did because he couldn't talk to girls. Look at his haircut. I'm not a huge. Look at his haircut alone. It's also like a culture that you have to buy into where if you're a jock you just have to have gone to school and learn and got a ball i don't i don't i don't i don't think it's inherently better than anything i don't think but that's not the point that's not
Starting point is 01:12:39 the point nerds isn't the point the point is like i love calling people dweebs and i love calling people nerds i love it i do it a lot they're kind of throwbacks they're insults that wear letterman jackets and i like that you know yeah no i'm bringing i'm big big high school football vibes can you can you draw a line in the sand between dweebs and nerds like what makes one person a dweeb and another a nerd or is it just like one big happy family i don't know i think nerd is more juvenile to me yeah because like nerd is like i know people used to think like oh nerd you're wearing somebody wearing glasses that's a nerd oh he's got a book he's a nerd and it's just like no you're you can be nerd for for anything i'll call my little brother a nerd a dweeb is like did you guys see when they stormed the capital that big long-necked
Starting point is 01:13:27 goofball bumping the vape that dude was a dweeb yeah he was 29 yeah you know what i mean yeah dweeb is like you're a grown-ass man if you're a dweeb dweebs are grown men a dweeb is dumb yeah and it's just like yeah yeah i don't nerd without the knowledge of a nerd. Like, nerds always have knowledge about at least one specific thing that's deemed nerdy. No, a dweeb's got no knowledge. A dweeb's got no knowledge. I don't think nerds have to be smart either, though. Like, Milhouse from The Simpsons is a nerd. No, not at all.
Starting point is 01:13:57 Not at all. I don't think... He's like not... He doesn't get good grades. Yeah, but you're a wrestling nerd, you know? Like, you're not... A nerd has interests. I'm a skateboard nerd.
Starting point is 01:14:03 Yeah. Yeah. Skateboard nerd, wrestling nerd. A fixation. not nerd i'm an interest yeah yeah skateboard nerd wrestling nerd fixation a nerd is a loser who tries so hard to care basketball nerd well what if that was my take on this oh you care about shit you fucking nerd let me i'm gonna do that again i think i was pretty accurate wrestling nerd rap nerd skateboard nerd basketball nerd and video game nerd that's for marissa oh okay i'm not really, basketball nerd, and video game nerd. That's for Marissa. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 01:14:27 I'm not really a basketball nerd. There are basketball nerds. Yeah, I wouldn't call myself a fucking nerd. Yeah, there's definitely people that are bigger nerds about basketball. Nardwar is a rap nerd. If any of us knew, like, I love basketball. I watch fucking probably five games a day at this point, but I don't know any statistics. Right. You were like, how many points is Bradley Beal scoring? I don't know any statistics. Right.
Starting point is 01:14:45 You were like, how many points is Bradley Beal scoring? I know he leads the league in scoring. I don't know, 30? Also, I touch butts, bro, like in my personal life. You are a skateboarding nerd, though, Sean. I am. You are. That's all I wanted to get out. You're a fucking dweeb.
Starting point is 01:15:03 I'm not a dweeb. I'm engaged. Eng engaged to be dweebed stop it he's not okay sean already said it you chode so it's still on the board that's still on the board still in it mike time for your third pick i'm gonna go uh i'm gonna go chief yeah yeah the way you say the way you say it the way i say the way i say it i saw him do it to a door guy who wouldn't let us on the roof one time and it was very it was very was that the wedding party the the night of the wedding oh? Oh, yeah. My engagement party. Yeah, we were wearing a suit.
Starting point is 01:15:46 Uh-huh. Yeah. I remember that. There were like 30 of us come up and out to the roof. And I'm like, I bet not. But I'm going to try, but I bet not. Also, I was not as ready to fight that door guy as Mike was. I'll say that for sure.
Starting point is 01:16:01 What happened? We were trying to go to the roof. Mike's engagement party. So I was a guest at the hotel. I had explained to the fucking host at the beginning of the night what was happening. I had explained two days before what was happening. And then I went down to the door guy earlier in the night. I said, hey, you know, I talked to the hostess before.
Starting point is 01:16:23 There's like 30 people coming. She said, this is all taken care of this is all taken care of right and he's like yep and then i came back down and then it suddenly wasn't taken care of and i was just like all right fucking everybody let's go we'll go to the bar down the street and then where do we we went to fucking he said fuck you chief yeah that's probably let me let me tell you what kind of place this was where mike thought 30 goons were going to be able to come up myself included when i got a nice place when i got there kristen bell was in the hotel bar that wow that was the kind of place we were at and it was like everyone up to the roof and i'm like i don't think so i'm gonna try but i bet you they're gonna shut that i can i can only be the least qualified person to be there in that scenario
Starting point is 01:17:03 you know what i mean? Yeah. Mike was wearing a nice suit, though. He could have been. For sure. Mike could have gotten up there, probably. He could have been on Smallville. Is that what? I had a suit and a pair of Kyrie 4s.
Starting point is 01:17:19 No, he was getting married. Absolutely. Chief is great. Chief is like getting poked in the sternum That's the thing It's a chest poke of a word You know what I think of is when In Dazed and Confused Someone's talking to him
Starting point is 01:17:36 And he goes yeah I'm smoking pot what's up And he goes oh I didn't mean anything And he goes why'd you say that then chief And then I was like oh he's mad at him Ironically cause chiefing means smoking weed too old chief's mad balls over there yeah well i i i think it come i i think most of the uh you're wearing the outfit to break this down too it's awesome no it's like it's oh you think of the boss it's i guess shit it's it's sort of like but i know maybe this is another one but like boss that's when you pull that out it's like you gotta stop it boss i feel like is more
Starting point is 01:18:10 endearing than chief chief is like well like you could say it in like a shitty way boss is what grown men call fat children yeah yeah yeah yes it is i got called boss all the time as a kid yeah i'm yeah of course that's what the greek guy called me i didn't make it up i go to the original mad greek deli and i'd walk in he'd be like what's up boss and then he'd give me a big cookie with m&ms in it dude they love calling they love calling fat kids boss and they love calling fat kids little man yeah because you weigh you weigh the amount of a man but you're but you're little but you're little but you're a little little man my buddy my buddy andrew in third grade he was like a little hefty and they used to call him the 80 pound monster i'm just thinking of like how
Starting point is 01:19:00 like small 80 pounds is but like how large it is for an 80-year-old. How's his eating disorder working out now? He's healthy as hell. I bet he is. He didn't want to be hooked. That's a svelte man. He had all these Boston kids call him the 80-pound monster. I never called him the 80-pound monster.
Starting point is 01:19:22 He was my friend. He still is. Shouts to Andrew. All my friends from home are named Andrew, though. Mike calls me the 80-pound monster. He was my friend. He still is. Shouts to Andrew. All my friends from home are named Andrew, though. Mike calls me the 80-pound monster on text. Sean, time for your third pick. My third pick, I'm going to say prick. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:19:37 Oh, prick isn't a swear word. I always think of it as a swear word. Well, that's where I was borderline. It's not. But that's like the closest I'm going to get. And I think I've told this before when little window into the youth um when i was a child my dad got one time while i was there he got arrested and it was in a small town and my one times were that too my uncle knew the judge because they all went to school together it was
Starting point is 01:20:00 my uncle's wedding we had driven to sheridan wyoming and uh so that my uncle was on the phone that's you don't have to say driven everybody you you can you can only drive to sheridan wyoming so my uncle's on the phone and i'm a kid and all i hear is my uncle i hear his side of the conversation he's like just let pat out it's my wedding tomorrow and then it's silence and he goes what and he slammed the phone and he goes prick and he just looked back and i was like okay so that's the worst thing you can call someone because my uncle's that mad and that's what he said so wow do you let that get out no he did not he missed my uncle's wedding god you made it though i i don't i think i did um your childhood was hard. I'll go to the bar in the afterlife
Starting point is 01:20:48 that my father and uncle are being kicked out of right now and ask them at some point. But yeah, to me, that's always been the worst thing. If someone ever called me that, I don't think it's ever happened, but I think I'd get pretty peeved if someone called me a prick. I think that's close to fighting words, bro.
Starting point is 01:21:03 What if we made the shittiest soul remake with sean meeting his dad and his uncle at a bar like in the bar in purgatory ah you can't say the n word in pixar movies you know what company would make it pricks are i was trying to you got it i was trying to think of something and there it was yeah that was that was if i if i'm real mad again this goes back to traffic but if i'm upset that's where i'm like prick and i'll just say it like that if someone i'm thinking about it like i feel like if somebody called me that like for real for real to my face that is like close to like hey what the fuck are we gonna do about yeah yeah that's where you stand up and
Starting point is 01:21:44 you're like well i mean are you serious i can about this? Yeah, that's where you stand up and you're like, well, I mean, are you serious? Yeah, I can't just let you call me a prick. No, a prick is tough. A prick is like a verbal slap in the face. Yeah, that's pretty bad. It's onomatopoetically sounds like a slap. Did you just say onomatopoetically? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you know
Starting point is 01:22:00 my man's girlfriend writes books, dog. That's right, dude. She's got four books, dude. Four books. That's how you know onomatopooetically what was it to go back to it use another word that she's writing two books right now okay go ahead john sorry when you were talking about zach's chicken fried rice thing and it was a stolen chicken fried rice you used a word i've never heard what was it started with a p i don't remember it wasn't procured 45 minutes now well anyway I'll listen anyway
Starting point is 01:22:27 somebody tweeted at me but yeah prick put me on that tweet too because I'll forget in about 10 minutes but it'll be a fun reminder yeah it was you
Starting point is 01:22:35 and not a story about something fried rice period anyway oh his I called it his radicalization no
Starting point is 01:22:43 no that doesn't start with a P a parable his parable I don't remember I know those words give me a little credit stop being a prick time for my third and fourth picks
Starting point is 01:22:57 as it is a a serpentine draft my third pick I'm taking moron yeah yeah that's great i love calling someone a moron fucking moron fucking moron i don't know you tell me moron that's also because that one is like it really the ones that are the worst are the ones that really cut you down and that makes you feel bad if someone if someone's serious and they're like you sound like such a moron right now yeah that
Starting point is 01:23:30 could because you can say that on a political floor like they i could see like speakers calling another speaker you or you sir sound like a moron with yeah it's also good for a group like the morons down at city hall yeah a little moron well you know because like a lot of these words are like cutting like like they they hit you know what i mean they like they have they're plosive they they punctuate like dweeb nerd bozo chief you know schmuck but moron is like a moron it wipes yeah that's the only one with no real like snap to it yeah with no like no hard hard syllables no uh uh it's that's more you've exhausted your efforts on this on this person at this point where you're like dude you're such a moron mashing someone's face
Starting point is 01:24:17 it's a lob it's just like yeah it's a lob yeah mor. Yeah, moron. I can't give you better directions. I just stop being a moron and just get here. A prick is a chest pass. Yeah. Moron's just a fucking... Prick is fucked up though, bro. If you call somebody a prick, that shit's like bad.
Starting point is 01:24:38 Yeah. Moron is fighting words too, though. Yeah, if you mean it. It all depends on how much you mean it. Yeah. It's an escalation. Moron. Yeah, it is.
Starting point is 01:24:52 Definitely. Especially if you say it to somebody without context, without like, you don't know this person. If I called somebody a moron on the street, I understand that there's going to be a response. If I call somebody a moron on the street like i understand that there's going to be a response if i call sean a moron it's different like it feels mean enough that i wouldn't call sean go back to that cartwheel in a customer service environment it's like as about as mean as you can get that will make me i've been called a more i've
Starting point is 01:25:23 done plenty of customer service and i'm sure i will again but yeah when someone calls me don't do that hold on skirt no you're not just gonna do it again some i'm just no stop it you're not well you're not gonna do that here's what i'll say i don't i don't is that when someone is not in 2021 not in 2020 i would have let you said that i'm not letting you say that in 2021 towards customer service people will attack your intelligence a lot because it's an easy way to make you feel bad and that is one of the most biting yeah like are you are you a moron where they do that you're like bro brass knuckles aren't a moron why don't you show up to the doorstep call me more and we'll see what time it is it's infuriating brass knuckles
Starting point is 01:26:05 was my next pick you fucking asshole speaking of next picks my fourth pick is derelict oh look at you going to college on these huh yeah yeah calling someone a fucking derelict i think you can derelict my balls capitan derelict these nuts it's just someone who's fucking you have you have no care of self you have no pride you're a fucking derelict downtrodden just like a derelict is like mad dirty like derelict duty yeah yeah like like you smell like nuts bro yeah you're fucking gross derelicts derelicts smell like nuts derelict is a person without a home job or property so it's kind of mean but it also the adjective is like uh in very poor condition as a result of disuse and neglect just like a fucking like you're a fucking derelict you're
Starting point is 01:26:59 fucking gross oh fuck i'm sorry i just looked at my list chode was on there oh yeah yeah well sam stormed the gates and took it dude that was the best cameo no it wasn't it was up there with one of the best cameos pretty good cameo though yeah uh yeah derelict is like me it's like really mean too yeah it's like that's very mean it's like it's somebody who's just like negligent right yeah yeah just someone grow you fucking derelict like if like you're supposed to be on a podcast at nine you know right right you're supposed to be on a podcast at nine yeah with some of your best friends in the world who told you what time it was gonna be on now you're gonna have to cut it short at some point and somebody has to call you and then call your fiancee
Starting point is 01:27:40 oh you called liz yeah of course i called liz you loser you derelict yeah you fucking derelict she literally because I had an alarm go off and she's like give me that and like I was like what are you doing and she's like turning your alarm off I mean we have literally 10 minutes left so Mike your fourth pick right oh my fourth pick uh so i'm gonna go with dummy yeah yeah you love dummy yeah you're a big you're a big dummy user and it's oh shit i skipped sean sean it's your pick oh i was right yeah uh all right well uh i was torn between two and i think i'm gonna go wet blanket i like calling someone a wet blanket yeah it's a two it's a two-worder and it's a lot more fun than the other ones this isn't something where i have to be furious with you this is just like well you're being a real wet blanket but i
Starting point is 01:28:34 guess we'll just stay here won't we that that kind of thing i like calling someone a wet blanket very light-hearted um we don't need to dwell as uh the next pick has already been made and it's much more colorful it still sucks to get called a wet blanket. It does, but it's more of like a, aw. Shit never happened to me, though. Yeah, ain't nobody calling me a wet blanket. Not even once, boy. I've never been a wet blanket.
Starting point is 01:28:58 Not even one time. I might have been a wet blanket one or two times, actually. I'll tell you who we call a wet blanket. It's Torque Daddy, the big torque dog. He's a wet blanket. Time and times. I'll tell you who we call a wet blanket. It's Torque Daddy, the big torque dog. He's a wet blanket time and time again. Just weighing everyone down. Excellent. So, Mike, you're taking dummy.
Starting point is 01:29:13 Dummy, yeah. You know, like I said, two-syllable word. Got some fucking snap to it. It lets you know what it's about. Dummy is another one that can turn something playful to very serious really, really quick. Yeah. If I called somebody I don't know a dummy, that's an act of aggression.
Starting point is 01:29:31 Well, let's say I got a scenario. We're at the roost and a couple dudes cut in front of you or sidle next to you, but they get a drink first and you're like, Ian comes up and he goes, I take their chicken wing and beat their ass. No, Ian comes up and he goes, hey, will you order me a cutty? And then Mike goes, yeah, I will
Starting point is 01:29:48 as soon as these dummies order. And then they turn around and... That's exactly how that would have happened. You say it loud enough for them to hear on purpose and then all of a sudden it's on like Michelle Kwan. People lost their life off a turn around on a dummy. You know? But that is exactly
Starting point is 01:30:03 how that would go. As soon as these dummies are done dude's been killed off that turn around on a dummy i can hear you saying it dude i can hear it yeah as soon as these dummies order sorry you call me a dummy yeah i got this blackjack in my pocket who's a dummy yeah oh that's tight fuck yeah dude i don't know who has a blackjack in their pocket mike has got a blackjack that's the like leather thing that you that's tight. Fuck yeah, dude. I don't know who has a blackjack in their pocket. Micah's got a blackjack. That's the like leather thing that's like six inches, right? Yeah, Micah had a Jack Black. It's a very Irish.
Starting point is 01:30:32 A Jack Black is different. It's a very Irish weapon. My turn? It is your turn. My next one is, this one is anytime anybody's ever called me this it's hurt so bad goofy that shit hurts your fucking feelings as a noun i did have goof i had goof on the board like oh you're fucking goofy bro like what you do is goofy that shit is like that shit feels bad makes you feel juvenile yeah and it just makes
Starting point is 01:31:06 you like it's like the worst kind of it's like the worst kind of like you're not serious at all you're fucking goofy i can't even i can't even take you seriously you're goofy oof goofy feels like it pairs well with a number of other ones fucking as an as an adverb it's great yeah as a noun it hurts yeah yeah goofy's never that shit always made me feel so bad not adverb adjective uh yeah like you called someone this goofy moron then it's like yeah i don't know how to feel oh yeah or just like the idea of like oh yeah i don't fuck with sean he's fucking goofy yeah did you just say did you just question if it was an adverb or not ian yeah so let me tell you guys an adverb the first valentine's day that the queen and i were out ever um that is not what i thought you were gonna say well this is funny because i felt like a moron this is one of those times we did a mad lib and um you know it's like
Starting point is 01:32:00 i need an ad i need an adjective i need a whatever and she goes i need an adverb and i in my mind i was like i have no idea what an adverb is and so i can't remember exactly what i did but i i like just started taking drinks or something and then i think she got that you try to drink your way into knowing what an adverb was well she got the cue she's like you're goofy she she was like you know like that like this and i stopped and i was like well yeah totally i was i was just really thirsty it was something like that but i was like dude you need to check yourself you do not know what an adverb is man and i still don't you know what's up with that you're a fucking dweeb it's an it's basically an adjective that describes the verb it modifies a verb quickly like goofily would be an usually ends with ly michael like goofily put on a zip up with no undershirt underneath yeah yo why is he out here
Starting point is 01:32:52 like a sex trafficker bro i'm just living my life this is all i live in now is sweatsuit looks like the my man looks like the bad guy in taken dude he Dude, he's one of the outfits you can get in Grand Theft Auto 4. For sure. You got me out here in a mismatched sweatsuit right now. My name is Nico Bellic. This fucking guy. He just lost 20,000 kroner on a Chechnyan soccer match. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:33:21 My man is thick in Chechnya with that fucking headband. This fucking guy. I love it. Jesus Christ. Are we on round five? It's weird that a goat hasn't walked by in the background. This is us. This is us.
Starting point is 01:33:43 Hot new American show. Yeah, speed round. yeah speed round speed round five speed round five Elizabeth Classic I'm taking Dingus ah damn it that's what I had next no you don't not anymore who would have thought two people were having that
Starting point is 01:34:02 sell it to your goats cause yeah I was torn between dingus and dingbat, which I guess is what I'll take. Dingbat. Dingbat. That was on my list. I had dingbat on my list, too. Sean. Dickweed.
Starting point is 01:34:18 Great. That's probably the best last round pick. You can't call someone a dick on TV. You also can't call someone a prick on TV. You also can't call someone a prick on TV. Oh, really? Oh, really? Yeah. That's what we're going on?
Starting point is 01:34:31 I think it's a good rubric. I think that's... It does have dick in it, bro. It does have dick in it. Well, I'll prick, but... All right, I'll beat you in the middle. All right. How about chump?
Starting point is 01:34:44 Yeah, chump is great. Chump is right trump this chump hurts your feelings and then you can throw like chumpzilla you know is it is fun a lot of a lot of modifiers i really i regret taking derelict i really do but i can't it's too late it's too late to change it because i have like two here i'd really like to take but i love it't. I love it. We'll do an honorable mention right away. Run the recap and then we'll do a lot of stuff. And then we'll do a lot of stuff we left on the board. I'm going to take Oaf. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:35:12 That one too. That one is like a medieval. That's only for fat dudes. Yeah. That's only for fat dudes. Big fucking Oaf. And Lummox is one of the. Lummox.
Starting point is 01:35:21 Yeah. I had Snorlax on my shit. But run it back. I had Num Nuts. No, we're going to run it back. We have an order here, Mike. Sorry you came in an hour late. Wait, Ian just took his last one, didn't he?
Starting point is 01:35:37 I did. Oath, and then I said Lumix is a synonym for Oath. But here we go. David, you went first. David, you went first. You took Ding Dong, Dweeb, Nerd, Goeb nerd goofy and dingus i stand behind it you took bozo jabroni chief dummy and dingbat sean you went third you took coward joker prick wet blanket and chump i went last and i took schmuck knucklehead moron derelict and oaf oh my god that's rad that's like one of the coolest recaps yeah that's that's a murderer's row right there that's 20 strong feel bad about
Starting point is 01:36:11 myself marissa do you have one uh i would pick uh dingleberry oh dingleberry is good ding's got a lot of ding dong ding can i, ding this, dingleberry. Can I just, well, these are the best things to insult people with, but can I just run it back? Dingleberry is when you have poop rolled up in your butthole hairs, right? Yeah, that's a dingleberry. Yes. Yes.
Starting point is 01:36:42 We left a lot of good ones on the board. Putts. Oh, my God. Nairdewel. Putts. Chowderhead. I thought you were going to take yuts on the board. Putts. Nairdwell. Chowderhead. I thought you were going to take Yutz. Yutz, Putts. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:36:50 Yutz is way out. I call out. I had a pant load. Butthead. Jabroni. Balloonhead from Goodfellas or Casino. He used to call someone a balloonhead. I always liked that.
Starting point is 01:37:02 I had Jamoke. Jagaloon. For sure. Jagaloon. Buffoon. Oh, Jagoff. I i had showed before that idiot sam talent by his book running the light before that idiot sam talent another good one yeah puds good weenis i had weenis wanker ball a buzz kill oh wanker is good what about a bastard is that you can't say that on tv i don't know dog but a a bastard is just like a thing that somebody is i know what a bastard is i love you to death you and i are both bastards i know that it's just like a thing people are that's an on paper thing that's not an opinion it's a yeah yeah yeah here's
Starting point is 01:37:47 another thing the two of you are ne'er do wells dog i've been trying to do well i've been trying to do well you know uh we want to hear yours hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com shout out to everyone everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you so much for holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. We love you. Thank you. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Slack. The fucking Slackity.
Starting point is 01:38:16 Shout out to St. Sue. Shut the fuck up, Sean. Shut the fuck up, you dweeb. I'm still not swearing. Shout out to St. Sue Cararing. Happy birthday, Brad. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Before you get to these randos. Get loud again like that.
Starting point is 01:38:35 Go ahead. Happy late birthday, Brad. To Doug from Michael, happy late 30th birthday. Those lates are on you. you need to button up that Henley when you talk to me I don't like it it's way too open it's way too open
Starting point is 01:38:54 shout out to Frankie Ocean shout out to Sid the dude shout out to Danny Cuneo oh yeah Cuneo my man shout out to Danny the young boy I'm gonna text him after this I fucking love that kid
Starting point is 01:39:10 and more important than all that tune in again next week to another brand new ocean brand new ocean shout out to Frankie Ocean that's what my brain was doing I was thinking about how I didn't say Frankie Ocean shout out to Frankie Ocean that happened because Sean opened his Henley ocean of possibilities opened up yeah that's what happened thinking about how I didn't say Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. That happened because Sean opened his Henley.
Starting point is 01:39:27 An ocean of possibilities opened up. Yeah, that's what happened. And more important than all that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity! that was a hate gun podcast

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.