All Fantasy Everything - Kids' Lies

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

The Big Dog is in the studio. Woof woof.Guest:Blair Socci (@blairsocci)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum podcast And five four three All right, five four three Well, she's my trap god damn it, okay, he's getting him dude. He's like a trap queen. Yeah Welcome to another brand new episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us.

We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. We're back with another episode of All 4 of Us. All right, hold on, I'll start it again, start it again. And here we go in five, four, three. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything,

the podcast that fantasy drops anything and everything from the world of popular culture. I'm your host, Isaac K. Lee. And this is what I sound like. This is what I sound like. My culture is not your costume. Ha ha ha! Sorry, dude. This is what I sound like this is what I sound like Sorry, did you should get one of those Broadcasting live all the way from his mayor to redonda

My god, I had I had to get on Sepulveda to get there and it was so gnarly dude, it was so much traffic bro. I had to get in my Hummer and go all the way down Sepulveda and it was bumper to bumper bro. She's my trap queen. We had to restart. Have you ever been on Sepulveda when it's bumper to bumper bro? Why does your mouth look like a butt hole?

That's the character for you. I know it's the game. That's what she said. That's the game That's what she said I said no that's my butthole You should see what his butthole looks like I got butthole dentata We talked about it yesterday

I've not seen shades of Sean's butthole With teeth in it Someone has Someone has seen your butthole Has a doctor seen your butthole? I don't think so Unless they snuck a peek when they were snipping. You guys are so lucky you don't have to try and get the hair off your butthole, it's so hard.

I've thought about it. I put extra hair on it. I've never even. I know, I bet you do. No one's really looking at your butthole. Oh yeah, my shit looks like it rolled into the fridge. When I was getting snipped, you're up in the stirrups or whatever

and that was the only time where it was there. Where you were like, oh, my hairy asshole is being viewed for the first time. With a light like that, right on it. And I'm like, holy cow, why aren't we at a doctor's office? Could you? Why are we at the headgum studio? Right, right.

I'm glad we restarted, I'm being funnier on this. It's just next to us to go with the equal. You were behind a curtain next to the blood pressure machine at a Target. Where do you put the COVID shot, though? Dr. Rick. It only blocked one angle. We just want the people in the toys to be able to see you.

Everyone else. No, I don't think a doctor's seen it. Your butthole? Yeah. I don't think a doctor's seen my butthole. No, me neither. I asked for a prostate exam and they wouldn't do it. They're like, no thanks. They wouldn't seen it. Your butthole? Yeah. I don't think a doctor's seen my butthole. No, me neither. I asked for a prostate exam and they wouldn't do it. They're like, no thanks.

They wouldn't do it. They were like, buy me dinner for me. And ask it for years. I'm a pediatrician and I'm not even your pediatrician. Will you examine my prostate please? Do you want me to take a gun or my prostate? Take a bunch of stuff my prostate, bro. I don't even think I could do that

Don't see my prostate What you got it you gotta go a little faster, bro. Oh you want to see my friend Could I enchant you into looking at my prostate while I have you? Wait, is it? Wait, isn't the prostate called the gooch? No, the gooch is the space between. The space between. That's a perineum? That's a man's gooch is a perineum.

That's the gooch though, right? I thought the perineum was under your penis. But isn't the perineum the gooch? The gooch is the perineum. The ABC, the ass balls connection? The perineum is between the vagina and the cervix, right? Is that what the baby hole's called? No, perineum on a man.

Perineum is- I thought we didn't have them. No, you have it. Really? Yeah. If the doctor would check my prostate, maybe I would have met enough. The area of the body located between the anus

and the genitals. Yeah, between the b-hole and the anus. Either vaginal opening or the scrotum. Yeah. It's also the bottom region of the pelvic cavity. That's what I'm saying. The perineum plays a role in functions like urination, Yeah, it's also the bottom region of the pelvic cavity Plays a role in functions like urination defecation and sexual intercourse, okay

Interiorly by the pubic arch. Oh, that's what the pubic arch does posterior posterior early by the coccyx, and laterally by the ischial tuberous side. You see what happens? You fuck up the production, we have to start over. I had a great story that was leading to something. I wanted to hear the end of it. There was a lot of crazy shit that went down.

Can I just say the punchline of my story? I think we clear out. I think you tell the story again. Tell the story again. I tell the speed run the story. It's a good story run it please Okay, last night after this or last night after we recorded Sean I Isaac Zack Tuscani and shocker went to the black cat to have some beers have some burgers had some beers had some burgers very high bow Spend it. A little spendy.

Is a burger good there? The wings were off the rack. That place is kind of a classy spot. It was good. It is, I didn't know that. They made it sound like we were going to Fat Burger. It wasn't like the price starts with a too good. Right.

I do know what you're saying. Were you outside? It's a real big patio, right? I've been on a lot of dates there in my day. That's a good date place for sure? I've been on a lot of dates there in my day. I'll see that. That's a good date place, for sure. It seems like a good date place. I had, like, a real spicy tequila drink.

I had a real spicy tequila. It was all right, bro. I just had a lot of tahini on the top, bro. Okay, you gotta let me speed run. This is the fifth time I've done this. Oh, yeah, speed run, speed run. Last night I drank... I looked up all the tahini,

and I was like, could you put more tahini on here, bro? I drank to the beach, and I made entirely out of tahini last night. Do you know that the paprika is just crushed up bell peppers, dude? Is that true? Yes. I didn't know that. Isn't that crazy?

Oh my God. Wait, you're not done telling the story. I didn't bum you out too hard, did I? Who, oh no. I accidentally just burped on camera. I'm interested to see where the bit goes. Let me tell a fucking story. It's like the sixth fucking time, man.

I just had to hang up on this prick that just called me. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was crazy. Oh, we both Otterbox twins. Oh, people gave me so much shit about the Otterbox, and I'm like, well, that's why I keep my phone for like eight years. On the job site?

People give you shit about it? When you're on the job site? When I'm on the job site. I was trying to clown. Nice Otterbox, Saki. Everyone's trying to clown me from the goddamn Otterbox, but really I'm a genius. What's up, dude?

Are you okay? I'm doing all right, how are you? David just really, really like unloaded on you and I felt like I just wanted to check in and make sure you're okay. Hey, what's up, David? I'm good, man. This is a pretty cool day, huh?

I like this one. Are you sure you're okay? Is this something you guys have been doing lately? No, we just started. Yeah, I'm all right. It's okay not to be okay. You know what would be funny? Let's take it to the next level. I feel the most part I feel like I'm okay.

It's okay not to be okay. If David ever gets to the end of this story that he's dancing around, you'll see that I'm more than okay. Well, this is like the fifth time I've heard this story. It's fun, it's good. You haven't heard the end yet. I still have not heard the end.

You still haven't heard the end. Wow, you look great. Are you getting space timing? Yeah, you do. This gotta't heard the end yet. It's good. I still have not heard the end. You still haven't heard the end. Wow, you look great. You get the FaceTime-ing? Yeah, you did too. This gotta be fun to listen to. I'm glad we're all wearing hats. What was that story that you wanted to tell?

Oh, okay. So anyways, I'll finish it. All right, I'll talk to you in a second. All right, I'm gonna hang up. Do you need anything? Hit me up. All right, I'll see you in the studio. I'll see you in the studio.

So, we finished eating, and I convinced Sean to take a Way home. Yeah, so we take away that's some girl I was talking to her Her name's away mom, I guess I can't talk Go ahead Dave go ahead In the way mo we take away mo home. We're having fun. It's scary. We go ahead. You're in the Waymo. We take a Waymo home. We're having fun. It's scary. We're excited.

We're high on life. Halfway home, I realize my phone's gone. Oh, shit. I was fake headlocking the driver. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Sean was fake headlocking the driver. So, like, it would be at a stop sign,

and Sean would be like, oh, no! Wait, they don't even, do they put, like, a sex doll in the front seat, or there's just no one there? I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a sex doll in the front seat. I think they put a no! Wait they don't even, do they put like a sex doll

in the front seat or there's just no one there? I think that's a hazard more. I'd like if they did. What if like if Madame Tussaud had some decommissioned like wax figurines, why not throw those in the front seat? You can sit in the driver's seat. So it's just Jack Nicholson drove you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then you're like

they got his voice like, where are you headed tonight? Ooh, mid-city. Ooh. No, I can't swing through a Taco Bell. That's funny. Anyways, so we get to the apartment. I realize my phone's gone. Shit, my phone's gone. Oh, no, Sean calls the bar. If we find out my phone's not at the bar,

fuck, now I'm really down. I'm so mad. David, you're so fucking stupid. Sean says, hey man, let's go cheer you up. Let's go get some pizza and some more beers. We go get some pizza, some more beers. We walk over to Ralph's to get some. Sean cheers him up the way you cheer up a kid who lost a little league game.

Exactly. That last time. Yup, yup, yup, yup. We go to Ralph's to get some provisions, which is really nasty alcohol. Provisions, what, like a hardtack? What kind of alcohol? We got a bunch of batteries.

What, like a canvas tent? We got these beat boxes, they tasted bad. We're walking back, we see a man on the ground. Oh no, oh no, the man is crying, he's got a dog. He's not crying, but he's moaning. He's got a dog. Sean's like, are you okay? We realize the man is falling and he can't get up.

His heart alert, his monitor is beeping. He's like, oh no, if I don't get up soon, they're gonna call 911. I think you did even stop and you're like, I think this guy has fallen and he can't get up. Like I think you said that when we were assessing the situation. When you have the opportunity, you gotta say it. You don't get a lot of them.

Yeah, yeah. He didn't hear it, you weren't being insensitive if you said it to me. It's like is there a doctor on this planet? That's like if you opened a fridge and they had purple stuff. Yeah. And there was a Sunny D behind it.

Yes, exactly. You're like, you're gonna like, I'm gonna say it. You have to do it. So I think this man's falling, he can't get up. He has fallen and he can't get up. Sean and I help him up. Sean realizes he's C-ed his P. Yeah. Or dedude.

His pants. He's crapped his pants, dedude, whatever. I did the bulk of the helping him up because I'm stronger. That's not even actually true. He actually barely did anything There was it as soon as I realized that he that he'd see his peas It was a tough place to get the grab

Yeah, that's what you got to get under his tummy and we had to put a torque with it Sounds like somebody try to open a pickle jar I didn't quite have the There's barely any torque. Sounds like somebody tried to open a pickle jar. You know what I mean? He needed a lot of torque. I didn't quite have the, hand around the waist. When someone sees their piece, there's no torque. I torqued him fine. What do you mean?

Where'd you go from? I torqued from the front, from the core. David was more from the front than I was like in the back bracing his feet. Where were your arms? Under his arms. Oh. Yeah. Well, I know your strong.

I know your strong. Oh, yeah So we get this guy up we get back to the apartment We I were still bummed Sean still picking me up. We sign into the television Amazon Prime whose account is signed in? Shane Torres. Shane Torres! Shane Torres, we decide to buy Belly on Shane's. Oh, we should've bought it. We only rented it. We should've bought it.

Who's trying to rent? 599 versus 2299? I bet Belly at the door. 11 bucks, I think. Purchases like 11 bucks at most. It was 399 rental, 1099 purchase. And be like, I've rented Belly, cost the same as buying Belly. This is like 11 bucks at most. It was 3.99 rental, 10.99 purchase. I don't even know what value it is. I don't even know what written belly costs

the same as buying belly. It's an everything belly. That was good. That was good. You're nailing the impressions today. I'm back. We go to sleep, we wake up, I'm like, okay, I just gotta take the day back.

Yesterday got me, I'm gonna get today. I wake up. Thank God for the iWatch, by the way. I like, that saved the day. Yeah got me. I'm gonna get today. I wake up for the iWatch by the way I'd like that's my Apple watch or Apple wake up idiot. I watch with the other person We wake up and then the other thing is I have to go look at the apartment at 1030 that I might run So now there's a timeline I wake up. I call my old lady, I tell her what happened, I find a Verizon that opens at nine, because I gotta be there at 1030. I say, okay, I'm gonna go to the Verizon,

I'm gonna get a new phone, I'm gonna download Lyft, I'm gonna get over there, I'm gonna go see this apartment, my day's gonna be fine. I wake up Sean. Really quick, I just wanna thank the guy who sent me. In the middle of the story. Yes Isaac! Really quick. I just want to thank the guy who sent me Like that you had it there how long did you cook that up? This is Nick Young, at Disc Die Addict, across all platforms.

He says, Ian, thanks again for all the podcast entertainment over the years and loved your book as well. Thank you very much. I hope you and Arthur enjoy his disc now too. It's an MVP Glitch. MVP is the brand and Glitch is the model mold of this particular disc. It's super glidy and a great catch disc

for throwing around for fun. Don't worry about not remembering who gave you the disc. Just happy to know you're enjoying it. But it was you, Nick Young. Thank you very much. Thank you for mine too. I have one in my house. Yeah.

Ian, you're being a real shit distorber today. You're really, you're being a real rabble razzer rascal. It's because I'm wearing a camo jacket. Your chicainery. I like the term shit distorber. That's what my dad calls me. Razzer rascal. Yeah, so I wake up Sean, I say, hey, can you get me a lift over to the Verizon store, and then I'm gonna go to the thing at 10.30? I sleep naked. Sean does not sleep naked, but his nips are out.

Oh my God. Sean says, I'm just gonna go to the store with you. You have a hairy area around your nipple. You guys as a collective love male nipples. Like, you really do. It's strong, it's strong. Well, if you ever seen Isaac's, holy buckets. Sean says, Sean says,

I'm gonna go to the store with you. I say, you don't have to go to the store with me, Sean. He says, I'm gonna go to the store with you. Okay. I wanted to make sure, yeah. And it worked out great. So he puts on his clothes, we get in the Uber. As we're in the Uber, Sean says, they used to have a standup show there. The Uber driver. Oh gosh, this is right. Where did they used to go when you're Sean says, they used to have a stand-up show there.

The Uber driver. Oh gosh. Where did they used to go? What were you driving by? Where they used to have a stand-up show? We were driving by What's Up Tiger Lilly. Oh, in Goltz? In whatever Goltz?

Listen to this shit. Gower Goltz. Here we go. There's a Denny's in there. Uber drivers, when's the last time you ate dinner at Denny's? Or just ate at Denny's? Dinner? Last Thursday. You ate at Denny's? Last Thursday. You have a very active life

What yeah you were with Rudy and to do impression Did you go to the one in Malibu okay, listen Back on track back on track the guy says Sean, that used to be a stand-up show. He talks about stand-up. The Uber driver doesn't say I'm a comic. He goes, oh, that used to be, that's a stand-up show right now. The host doesn't like it when you kill. And then we know it's not.

Damn it. The host doesn't like it when you kill. Then we know it's not going to be good. That's so sinister. Blah, blah, blah. We find out he's a stand-up He says oh my god, you guys are stand-ups. I gotta call my friend Every time I have stand-ups in my car. I call him floor was his name. I've done We can't say Floyd. Oh, I think his name was I think his name was Floyd is a boy that he facetimes his friend

He says hey Floyd. I got some comics in the back That was it. And then he hands us the phone. He's holding it. No, he's holding it like this. What'd you guys say? What's up, Floyd? He's like, where are you guys from?

Denver? All right. All right. Our boy isn't talking. He's just driving, letting us chat up with Floyd. You out here doing shows? All right, kill it, fellas. Word. Word.

And then he says the funniest thing to his friend, the comic, he says, all right man, I gotta get back to Uber. I gotta drive the car to the service. I can see what I'm paying for. Were they speaking to you with the authority of like, No. No. Dead comics were like, no.

No, they were, okay. It was No. The comics were like, you know. No, no, no, no, no. It was just, what an interesting thing. While all this happens, Sean gets a text from an international phone number with a picture of my phone. I get those all the time. I get those all the time. With a picture of my phone.

Yes! And it says, hey, is this a friend of yours phone or do you know who it is? Yes. And Sean's like, oh shit, look. And it says hey is this a friend of yours phone or do you know who it is and Sean's like oh shit look so I call the phone nobody picks up Australian voicemail I mean me Leaving me sit leave it what I'm sure

You got a good you got a good Ozzy on you sure do yes, that was really bad actually that was really bad Give me a little bit. Oh, I might. Oh, yeah, just leave a message because you did more Kiwi actually the eyes to the e That's a key we need more of a guava man Got a mean cantaloupe on me One of my testicles. I like pineapple famously. I love pineapple. Pineapple rules. Pineapple's my favorite tropical fruit.

That's like saying I like sex or family. How dare you. Some people, I don't mean to mix those. Oh, thank you, but you know I've gone into it like artistically, how passionate I am. I know, also you love Sprite. So what happened? What happened to it? I do wanna actually talk about pineapple talk about pineapple bookmark it. Yeah, let's yeah

I know the guys like the guy We start a text exchange the guy sells Sean. Hey, how do I just want to make sure that it's your friend's phone I don't want to just give somebody's a phone away. I Was like like tongue out of the mouth emoji. I got the number It'll be fine me and Sean are standing on the corner when we get there. We're standing on the corner in front of black cat A man comes up an Australian man hot or what he's a black fella Yeah, there's one And he's a sweet, sweet angel.

Holy shit. His name is Ziggy and he's the nicest man. Hot? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Big hair. And nearby. Big hair, around the corner.

Literally around the corner. Around the. I'm only here for two nights. He says, oh. Isn't that a Tupac lyric? Also, don't you live here? I do have an apartment here, but I've been elsewhere. That's fair.

California. I've been in Orange County, baby, for a little bit. I love that. He comes out, and he's just the nicest guy. Oh, I get it all. I lose my fan all the time. I lost my fan all the time. I quiet the next shot, charge it up, say the numbers.

And yeah, it's going kind of kind of Numbers hey, it's from Liverpool Australians have their phone about 70% of the time Yes, blah blah blah blah blah, blah, blah, I got in a new apartment. All right. All's well that ends well, bitch. Have you become friends with Ziggy?

I feel like that's a natural thing. No, but we have his number. Sean has his number. What age range was he in? I'll probably text him. 26. 26 to 30, let's say. Oh, that's not appropriate.

We can get him, like, it would not be hard to get him in here on mic right now. No, I think he could be 30. That disqualifies him for me. 26 26 to Know I think he could be 30 that disqualifies him for me. I think it could be 30. I don't like You know what we could do is like I could hit him up and be like hey Messed it up, dude. I've gotten it every episode. Oh, I almost knocked Sean's hat off. I thought Ziggy just started. You want to restart the podcast so he can keep it going? You gotta put your hat over your eyebrows, bro.

Oh my god, this getting so beavis and butt head. Holy shit, look at Sean. You got a Redondo? You got a Pizbo? This is crazy. I don't like this at all. I don't think you know how crazy it looks. Fuck you, bro. We don't think he does know how crazy it looks. We gotta take a picture of that.

Send it to Ziggy. You have Ziggy's number. Only you have it. Only you have it. I don't sound like that, dude. Send a picture of me to Ziggy. Wait, Sean has Ziggy's number. I don't have Ziggy's number.

He has my phone. That'd be a weird follow-up if I'm like Ziggy. Ziggy, thanks for the phone. Here's the phone. It's just a picture of you. Dude, what if you FaceTime him right now? Our guest today is comedian, Blair Socky. We're drafting Lies You Told As A Kid, Blick Phillips. Yeah, we're gonna draft Blick Phillips. The NBA draft is happening right now.

Yeah, I know it. Ace Bailey went five to jazz. The NBA draft is happening right now. Yeah, I know it. Ace Bailey went five to jazz. The jazz took Ace Bailey at five. As you know now, a month and a half ago, Ace Bailey went to the Utah Jazz. Despite not working out for them. He did not work out for them.

Well, he didn't really work out for anybody. Utah's so weird. I've never been. I've been many times. There's some beautiful vistas there, and then also some odd culture. You know what's the highest plastic surgery per capita in the US?

Really? Really? Not Miami, like they want you to think. Not like they want you to think it's Utah, baby. You know what they call Utah when Ian goes? What? Say it. Utah. Say it.

What were you thinking? Say it. They call it Utah. You say it. Why would it be anything different? Why would it be bad for you to say what you were gonna say? I was gonna. Utah. Say it. What were you thinking? Say it. They call it Utah. You say it. Why would it be anything different? Why would it be bad for you to say what you were gonna say? I was gonna say Utah.

Yeah, is it a bad word to you? Is it a bad word to you? No, was what, Utah? It's a fine word to you. It's a fine word. It's not a good word for you. You don't like saying it? Okay, they call it Jewish Utah.

No. No. No. No. No. This is. Are you happy? This is gonna be good. Fine, you made me say it. This is gonna be good. Okay, I just want to tell the listeners, and I can't remember if I've already said this

yet, but I have not done this show before with an adult beverage, and I already took one down, a whole one. Oh yeah. Very low tolerance, so we'll see what happens. I always forget that about you. You do have a little You're also though. I'd never know and then the next day you'll be like It's because I told her brothers and if I ever acted dumb or like stupid I would lose my drinking privileges So I learned how to hold my liquor really fast, even if I was

dumb drunk. But it's funny that you have a low tolerance because you're such a party dude. You think I'm a party dude? You're wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. You got shades on inside. But I'm not a party dude. You're not a party dude? No, I was when I was young.

You flag party dude. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely the remnants are still on me, but I haven't been a party dude for many years. I'm not a party dude anymore, you know, I used to be a hard, I mean, they listen. Same, I can. I used to really rip and roar. You were a runner.

I grip it and rip it, yeah. All right. How does Sean feel? I just bookmarked some things from that story that I want to bring her back to. Yeah, bring it back, bring it it back bring it back bring it back I like pineapple juice a lot I'm your host Ian Carmel

With me is all of our friends from the world No dates are moving Come see Zach and I in Minneapolis Chicago on August 15th and 16th I don't know when this comes out but Blair and I are going to be in Healing Comedy Club Portland Oregon July 11th through the 13th Yeah can it come out before that? This has to come out July 24th It has to come out July 24th

Sean How do you feel about pineapples dude love fine well oh you know how to cut a pineapple no With a knife nothing funny about it You gotta get a YouTube it every time no there's no joke okay I even tried to think of one but I couldn't had you cut out. How do you know how to hurt a pineapple? How do you hurt a pineapple just make fun of it? So dude nice hair you had a white pineapple. What's a white apple? We had white pineapple Wait, what was it like? It's sweet, it's the sweetest sweet.

But it looked white? Yeah. I think I have had white pineapple. It's very good. You know they tiny, like the, if you, cause they have the same amount of sugar in them from when they're tiny. This is something I heard a long time ago.

Kinda like a baby's eyes are the same size from when they're born. Is that real? Is that true? No wonder my nephew's eyes were so fucking big. All baby, they got big ass eyes cause your eyes don't grow. Is that real?

I love how I can come to you guys for baby information. We can look it up, we can look it up, but why do you not believe me? I mean, I think you gotta start tracking some growth is what we're seeing. Wasn't I right the last time we did this? The last time we did this was the Chili Pepper Crazy Town thing. Sorry, Crazy Town again, but you didn't believe me. That's so weird. Siri, play Crazy Town. What was the Chili pepper crazy town thing?

I can't, well chili pepper crazy town is my nickname in college. Yes, human eyes grow during childhood in adolescence. Oh, sorry. Sean started. Sorry for saying something that wasn't true. Wait, but this says your eyes don't get bigger in middle age, okay, yeah, but in adolescence, yes.

Well, if they kept growing, then people would. I need to get knocked up this year. It's gonna happen I hope so then our kids can be same age friends. I know yeah, oh, he's so cool Maxine can be four years older and Maxine can be like they're cool older friends Told still sake Elegant and you could do any job with it. I know.

And when they become a writer, they could be T.D. Sockie. Oh, that is fucking cool. No, it's, you know, I sometimes get a lot of negative future implicating ideas that people think will name my children. They're like, oh, it'll be like Ryan Lochte Sockie, or like- Hockey Sockie.

Ryan Lochte Sockie, or like Brock, Socky. Ryan Lochte Socky or like Brock or like. Or like two brighter Socky. Two brighter Socky. But I'm gonna name him, her, they, you know something really good like. Bramblin. Toastool. Bramblin, no bitch.

Rembrandt. Rembrandt. Rembrandt Socky's all right, that's a cool name. Do you guys remember that toothpaste? I do remember, I didn't, but now I do remember that toothpaste. What happened to that? What did happen to Rembrandt? Isaac? I can Luke it up. Thank you. Thank you Isaac. Did you say I can Luke it up? Luke it up!

I can Luke it all. I can Luke it all. I can Luke it all, man. Have you guys noticed that when we record a lot, it gets like we descend into madness. Yes. No, no, it was from the start. But this is day three and we're walking weird. Not as weird as we were yesterday.

Wait Sean, I meant to tell you that my niece wants to be a professional skateboarder. Tight. And she lives next to Ryan Checkler. Really? So she's like at this skatepark all the time and like like you do you still live in San Clemente my crazy Okay, yeah, don't talk some So no dates your fucking hand away from me. It's sweaty.

This one's just for the people watching. For everybody listening, Ian's slowly unbuttoning my shirt. This one's just for the people watching. For everybody watching, I'm not wearing a button. You can watch AFE on YouTube. This is Sean Krueger, Mel and Jordan. He said his dates earlier. David Borey, Cool Guy Jokes, 87.

No dates. No dates. Blair Saki, is it just the Portland dates? Yeah, and then I have one night in Dallas, August 2nd, meet me there. Hell yeah, at the Dallas Comedy Club? Yeah, Dallas Comedy Club. Oh, I love them.

They're gonna love you. Oh, cool. Oh, I think- Will you be there? No, I think that I had dropped your name to them. Oh. And it's nice when people listen to you. Oh, thank you, David.

I really appreciate that. It's interesting, Ian and I didn't get booked there. I've been invited. Ian plays hyenas. Interesting that I played hyenas once. What's hyenas? I wouldn't say I played hyenas. Didn't you get booked?

That's what Ian thinks bongo drums are called. We went. Hey, I haven't really played in the hyenas lately. I'm out of comedy. I was in the park and there was a delightful Cuban man on the hyenas. Now that was one of the sillier things I've ever said in my whole life. I think we are feeling pretty silly today. No, it's good. I like it.

No, it is good. I don't know what we're saying, but I'm having a good time. Who cares? Who cares? Big dog got a new liquor shelf. I'm going raw dog this pod. My name is Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on Blue sky. Ian Carmel on Instagram. Ian Carmel on What about the back of your neck? You guys didn't like that joke the raw dog thing?

I loved it. Oh I didn't see it! I was right there with you. Yeah, I'm safer than that. Isaac? I loved it. I know you. Well we know the red leather pussy destroyer loved it. It's out front, you can see the seats. Oh, I'm going to check it outside. I'm not gonna do this. I got a, that's number one on the priority scene, the Red Leather Pussy Destroyer. I'd like to think that I'm the Red Leather Pussy Destroyer. You can see where, you can see where it's all been destroyed,

like right there. Damn, why is it? Remnants. A man in a cream, nice shirt, that's a lot of confidence. I do love cream. Yeah Yeah, I like the juice. We're talking about raw dogging. I think love's cream. We're talking about raw dogging. It has to be. It does.

We're here to fantasy wrap lies you told as a kid. Yeah. Or lies the kids tell. Yeah. Either one of those things. I love lying when I was a kid. You can't raw dog the one you love. You can't love the dog you raw.

You can't raw dog the one you love, baby. Raw dog, dog the one you love Well, it's a good song already dog you love Rob dog you love are we mind melding raw the dog? Okay, let's say the same thing one two three Together you got a knight. Let's try it again. You too, Blair, you're in. Remind building, say a word. Big dogs.

That's two words. All right. Three, two, one. Falcons. I said Falcons, you said fashion. That's close. I said pillow. I said Falcons, you said fashion, that's close. I said pillow. Pillow. What'd you say, bath salts? I said corn dogs.

I said corn dogs last time. I was still on it from your idea. Okay, okay. So three, two, one. Corn dogs. Huh? What'd you say? Grammy.

Grammy, I said hot dog, you said corn dog. What'd you say, Grammy? I accidentally forgot to speak. That's okay. Hot dog, corn dog, and Grammy. We can stop doing this. All right. Yeah, I don't think this is a good idea.

Laura makes me do it sometimes, and we get there after like seven or eight words. She makes you mind melt? Yeah. It's like you guys' foreplay. That's romantic. We'll do it one more time. All right, three, two, one.

The way to determine the order of the draft is through the rollicking game of rock paper scissors. It'll play between the three of you, and we throw one shoot. Hot dog, Emmy, Oscar, we would have got it. Corn dog. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Rock. No, we gotta play. Oh, we're playing a game. Yeah. We're gonna play rock. I knew that. We're gonna play rock paper scissors.

Oh, totally. No, I'm really fast on the uptake. Rock paper scissors shit. Shit. Ha ha ha. Oh, cats. Here we go again. Rock paper scissors shit. Shit. Shit. Oh, cats, here we go again. Rock, paper, scissors, shit.

Shit. Oh, cats again! Rock, paper, scissors, shit. Shit. No, fucking way. Rock, cats again. Rock, paper, scissors, shit. Whoa!

If it gets one more time, I get to pick. Shut up, dude. Rock, paper, scissors, shit. Whoa! Holy shit! You never get to pick, because you suck, You should do it. No, you're dope, dude.

No, you're dope. What are the odds? Somebody did the odds another time. Can you tell us what the odds are that that just happened? That was crazy. Six in a row, right? It was at least six in a row. We're in the zone.

We're in the zone, dude. We're in the poem zone. The auto zone? Father John Misty. I'm gonna fuck up a hot dog later. I love hot dogs so much. You should eat it. I can always tell you that.

Where are you gonna get it from? I don't know. Oh. Various places. You wanna hear a social, whenever Laura says I'm gonna jump in it, she's like, I'm gonna jump in the shower real quick. I'm like, I tell you, don't jump into the shower.

Just like step into it. Well, you're the guy who jumps in. That's a beautiful dad joke. Oh, you do it too? Yeah, of course. What, are you married? Yes, to the game. I love my life. Let's keep working.

I'm married? Yes, to the game. I love my wife. Let's keep working. Sean and I haven't been friends since 2017. We're like Hall and Oates. It's finally falling apart. And I like Hall. Yeah, bro, my mom one time, she was saying,

some of the Hall and Oates, and my mom's like, oh yeah, I really like Hall. And it's like, what the fuck did Oates do? That's some there for it shit though. Cause we only like, I bet people did have that opinion like in the eighties. We're like, I like Hall, but like now we only know him as Hall and Oats, right?

Yeah. I met Oats. You did? Where was Hall? Was Hall scheming on my mind? Is Darryl Halls? Hall wasn't talking to my mind. He was in two Halls?

Is his name Darryl? John Oates and Darryl Hall. Oh, Darryl Hall. And then Oates had an F1 race in the garage, the McLaren garage. Well, you were at an F1 race. Yeah, I went to Miami with the Late Late Show. I was in the garage.

Oh yeah, like you're like one of those Instagram girls. Yeah. Going to the F1. That's what he says every night in the mirror. I got flown out. You are one of those Instagram girls. I got flown out. Damn, I love you.

All you had to do was jerk off Richard Hamilton. I jerked off Richard Hamilton. Yeah, that's a small says every night. I got flown out. You are one of those Instagram girls. Hell yeah, but damn, I love you. All you have to do is jerk off Richard Hamilton. I jerked off Richard Hamilton. Yeah, that's a small price to pay. Rip Hamilton from the Detroit Pistons. So you think that's like, why? There's guys to jerk off. Richard Hamilton is probably not the worst one, I'll say that.

There he is. Hold on, what does jerk off mean? Does he have a tiny ding? Tiny ding-a-ling? No, he's just like a really handsome guy. Oh, thank God. David. Are you thinking of Lewis Hamilton? Yeah. Yeah, I said Richard

Detroit business Dated like every hot chick alive. Yeah, I bet he dated Dua Lipa probably Bitch loves vacation. She loves reading books and going on vacations. And yoga. Yeah. And hot dudes. She stole my whole thing. Dua Lipa? Yeah. You know what happens sometimes in those places.

Yoga books. You were Mono Lipa. I was Mono Lipa. Yeah, she's Stereo Lipa. I'm Dua Threepa. Mono Lipa. Threepa. Threepa.

Threepa. Threepa. Threepa. Hey, you wanna go do a three-po? No! I'm going first! My buddy just got a new apartment. Whoa, what? I'm doing first. Hot corner? Oh yeah, still a hot corner.

What? Bless you. I had a crush. What? I'm confused. Bless you. God bless you. I had a crush on a girl in high school. That's it. God bless you. That's the whole story. She used to sneeze.

God bless you. She used to sneeze in my mouth. She used to sneeze like a bowler. What? Oh my God. What do you mean by that? No, she sneezed with a little high pitch at the end of it like you did on your first one. Oh, I know that one. Who do you mean by that? No, she sneezed with a little high pitch at the end of it like you did on your first one.

Oh, I know that one. I do that sometimes. Whenever I'm around men and I try not to act like a wooly mammoth. With like such ferocity that they fly back like 20 feet. I was telling David on the way here that Maxine sneezed in Laura's dinner the other night from an inch away.

It was, she just. That's an act of war. Just, I mean, all over her like salad And then, Sean's gonna go second. And then Blair, and then a place you may have never drafted before. Look at David's face. You may have never drafted. The horny little hot corner. I don't like it. In over 400 episodes of this podcast.

I don't like being over here. 450. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood.

I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't like this neighborhood. I don't little hot car. I don't like you over 400 episodes of this podcast I don't like being over here. Yeah, I don't like this neighborhood. David's fourth There's people I don't know about and their smells. I don't enjoy that's right Horny fourth I live there, dude I know I've only done this podcast like once or twice and I have told again I guess like once or twice and I have told again Learn what the serpentine Let's not explain it Oh Shawn you don't have to explain it. It's like cleaning your windshield. It's not gonna go in Why don't you clean your windshield with the squeegee, bro?

Squeegee SQ EE GEE. I didn't I've never spelled it before Spun the spell I wrote it in the email that is female privilege. What's the point of having? point POI 10 t I'm going raw dog again. I'm off the leash Put them on your nipples I Can hear you guys yeah, yeah, these are functional I think you but is this gonna fuck shit up. Yeah Like the condom is there for a reason

Well, he knows. Yeah, you would tell us about condoms. To be thrown out the window. That's the first time Isaac's ever condoned for a condom. Whoa. I like that, I like that word. Guys in cream shirts are not trying to wear a condom, that's for sure.

Oh no, cream get the money. I'm in the dollar bill, y'all. Yeah, you do, the cream it's like you're a fancy high-end drug dealer So you probably didn't don't use condoms, but this today you feel like it oh Is it just today you feel like no you this is about you Oh, you have a condom on your microphone. Yeah, of course. I was about to jacuz. It's a small, it's one of those, you know. I don't know if I go admitting that on the podcast. It's lamb skin. I don't know if I'd go around admitting

you wear a smaller condom on the podcast. It's a Lifestyles. It's a thinner one. I have to get mine tailor-made, dude. Shut up, shut up. They're burlap. Because his dick is wider than it is long. You have to get your married condoms tailor-made. They're fearless. burlap

What if you just put a condom on each finger and just grab a drink from the bar. You can't have someone with a debit card with a condom on each finger. Oh, that is psychotic. I can't understand your reactions to this. It's literally, it is psychotic. God, what would you do? Making up a scenario. It's just like, what do I want?

The fact that it's a debit card. Condom on everything. No credit card company would want your fingers on their credit card, would want your fingers on Be having a Tom Collins, I like the Tom Collins put it in a barrel. What's the Tom Collins? Oh, I'm just got like seven bucks It's got no okay. I like the one with like the fruit in that like it's a cherry a lime slice a lemon slice on top It's clear right um Yeah, it's not the milky one. That's a cherry, a lime slice, a lemon slice on top. It's clear, right?

Yeah, it's not the milky one. That's a gin fizz, but even though they have the same ingredients. Slow gin fizz. Slow gin fizz. I like a gin fizz. I like a gin fizz. I like a gin fizz. I like a fizz face. It didn't, no, you don't have to. It's because I put you at the,

it's because I put you forth. I'm all fucked up over here. It's like squeegee in your windshield Well, I have the first pick and we're gonna get to that first pick right after this short break And we're back welcome back to all fantasy oh shit He always says it. Stop explaining bits. It does suck when you explain a joke. Squeegee. He always says it, joke.

That's one of those humorous references. That's just timestamping it. That was a joke. That was a joke. Time for my first pick. In the lies kids tell, All Fantasy, Everything draft. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies.

You know what I was thinking about a few weeks ago, months ago now, we drafted that song Why by Annie Lennox. It's just a good song. Yeah, it is. What was the draft? Songs, if we had an amazing voice, that we would sing at karaoke. Oh my, I wish I did that one. What was the the draft songs? We if we had an amazing voice that we would sing at karaoke Wow, I wish I did that one. Do you have do you have any quick? What's up? What's an honorary pick? Whitney Houston Jim Boss's

Tour of blues traveler Jelisi yeah, definitely What's the name of her big song? I thought you were talking about Don L. Rollins. He's good. Makes way more sense. I thought he was a comedian. No, also, um, I'm a bitch, I'm a-

Oh, Meredith Brooks. Yeah, Meredith Brooks. She's from Oregon. Um- That makes sense. I love you, always forever, near or far, closer together everywhere. I think actually I could do that one. This moment, you are the most beautiful, you are the most beautiful.

Where will the cowboy go? Paula Cole. Yeah. Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da. I'll go to the children while you go have a beer. Yeah. She does say it funny. Really? I like the Michael Jackson, Free Willy song. Oh, hold me like a river, Jordan. I will then say to thee, you are my friend.

I'm holding hear you cry. Was that River Jordan? And they told me. And they told me. I'm in the night thing. Ah! I'm physically free. I'm doing it.

Oh my god. You should go sing that tonight. Me and Alana got drunk like three weeks ago in the house and we're playing that solo. That song is incredible. It's so good. It's really, really good, yeah. Madonna, like, a prayer is really good.

I can't sing that. Yeah. Anyways, we've got to get to the draft. Oh, yeah. Why do you guys keep trying to not get to the draft? We're having a fun time with you. Yeah, you're awesome. We're having fun times with our friends.

I am having. This is the first time I laughed like this in years. Hell yeah. Years. Since the last time you did A&P. I've had some beers. Beers over the years.

My buddy Pierce. With the beers. This is just what the doctor ordered, baby. Yeah. The number one draft pick in lies kids tell is am I either related to or know well a famous person. Oh yeah. This one there was there was a kid named Colin Crawford who I went to elementary school with. Yeah first and last. That's a hot kid name. Colin Crawford he was a

hot kid. I know. He was fast. He was fast which was hot to other boys. I bet he had that hair that split down the middle. He... Dude, the fastest kid in school was such a high rank when you were a kid. I feel like... Him and Greg Coleman were the two fast kids. Colin Crawford sounds like a water polo dude I dated in the first half of the 2000s. You dated water polo dudes?

Come on. God, you knew that. Of course. You knew that. Where do you play water polo? I was... Never seen Blair upset. Alright, yeah, you're right.

You got me. You got me. My high school had a great water polo team. They were one of the best ones in Oregon. A bunch of hot dudes. You guys had water polo? Did you have great water polo. Yeah, they were one of the best ones in Oregon You guys had water polo. Did you have a water polo team? No, they don't have that in South Dakota, but in California Everyone is not allowed. How you get into because of the sexual discrimination. Yeah We had a women's water polo team too. They were great. We sent two girls to Stanford. Yeah, UCLA is like the best water polos. The girls and the guys.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. How does a horse breathe under the water? Joke. Joke. Joke. Joke.

Joke. Joke. J-O-K-E. I think I loved it. I think it was all for that one. That was really funny. Colin Crawford said he was related to Cindy Crawford. I think I loved it. I think it was all for that one. That was really funny. Colin Crawford said he was related to Cindy Crawford. Oh.

She-wing. She-wing. And then there was a guy, I can't remember his name. It wasn't Nick Hines. It wasn't him. He said he was ketchup. He was, some dude named Travis something who said he was related to Cathy Ireland.

His last name was not Ireland. Whoa. At least Colin Crawford had, that's what it was. It was like by marriage. So he could still think she was hot. Yeah, so we could still, well not jack off. No. Because it was grade school.

But something. Wait, I don't wanna, actually I don't wanna know that. Let's squash that one. Hold back on that one. No, I wanna squash that one. We're gonna squash that one. We're gonna squash that one. Squash it! I wanna squash that one. We're gonna squash that one. I wanna squash that one. Squash it!

Before I knew it was called jacking off, I used to call it squashing off. Go squash up? That's the grossest thing. Just some kid who doesn't know how to say it. Sean will just mush it with the heel of the palm We gotta restart the podcast Just go over and pour my drink on the board welcome to another problem

I know a famous person. Yeah, that's the best a bunch of different kids like tails all the time Yeah, yeah Sean time for your first pick. I used to as a kid. I thought all if the names were similar That they were related. Yeah, like I'd be like is Larry David related to David Duchovny. Oh Yeah, like I'd be like is Larry David related to David Duchovny. Oh Yeah, I mean I didn't know those two guys in 97 Wait Let's let that play out Yeah, you thought you

Somehow just cuz our last name was Jordan. I was, I didn't see how we weren't related, yeah. I think that makes a lot of sense. You didn't see how you weren't related. He couldn't come up with one idea like you were. Montel, Michael. Bro, I used to have a joke. This is how we do it. I used to have a joke about that, didn't I? Where I said I'm gonna name my twin daughters

Montel and Michael Jordan. Maybe. I don't know. Sounds like a shitty joke, I might have't I? Where I said I'm gonna name my twin daughters Montel and Michael Jordan. Maybe? I don't know. Sounds like a shitty joke. I'm not the librarian of your comedy career. Cool, that was a good one. Zach Tuscani is though. Zach Tuscani's a real librarian.

He does know our old jokes. That's so sweet when someone does that. Because I never expect anyone to remember shit. I saw a friend at a scene and she told me my first ever joke and I was like I forgot that That's awesome. I don't remember anyway. You wanna know what it was? Yes. I might have to bring it back cuz there's two kinds of black people HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA How's that horse breathe underwater? How's that horse breathe underwater? Ooga! There's two kinds of...

My first joke was, um, You ever take a nude so good you wish you could show your parents? That's awesome! That's funny. That's so funny. And I forgot you told me that! I was like, oh, thank you. That's great.

That is a really funny joke. That's like on, I can see that on Betches. What's Betches? It's one of those Instagram. Oh, true. Yeah, like take our tweets. Right. Oh yeah, yeah, protect our tweets.

I think they produced a lot of original content though, actually, don't come for me, Betches, you guys are. I'd love to be on Betches, thank you. I would too, I would kill. We would kill Sean. Separate thoughts. I don't know how a lot like real estate agents put their face on betches joke Blair time wait no Sean. Did you do a pic? No, we'll fucking do it. I didn't get they didn't actually give me any homework today I didn't get they didn't actually give me any homework today. Oh

That's all I told that lie I almost every day I was in school straight face no problem I'm unbelievable. Yeah, that was the crap I bet you I've done homework five six times in my life and every day she'd be like, you know What do you where's your homework? My god, we didn't get me today. Yeah now with the internet I'm pretty sure that's gone. Right you don't get to do that anymore. She looked into Sun sweet eyes and believed you. They have homework in first grade. I mean, they were trying since day one

to give us homework. They have homework every day. Yeah, I never, and it showed on my report card that I never did the homework, but never. That's hard because then your mom just thinks you're stupid. She told me. It's like not because you're not doing your homework, it's because you're just an idiot.

Yeah, well, he showed her, huh? Here I am being smart, talking about squashing off or whatever I said. Look at your smart little boy. No homework today, Mom. I'm going to go upstairs and squish off. Squish off? Yeah, I did it all in school.

I'm going to squash off. I did it all in school, so I had more squash time. I'm gonna go slam my dick in the drawer. Is that something you guys did? No. No, no, no. Oh thank god. Not in my house.

Not in Dave's house. Gotta have something to shoot for. Yeah, they didn't give me homework today. That was my pick. Alright, belayer. Yeah, yeah, they didn't give me homework today. That was my pick All right be layer um No, I did not microwave three hot dogs with a can of four milk chili as a light afternoon snack that was not me Did you pour the chili out and put the dogs on top? I know I cut up all three hot dogs in a little bud like way that and

Yeah, then Then I poured it. How'd you get caught? In a can of chili? They find the can they find the missing dogs and they're looking for someone to blame And it was not me! They said my shits been disturbed I wonder if the little SD did it Yeah, it wasn't SD, okay. And who would have such a large light snack right before dinner, you know, probably wasn't me.

You were a growing girl. Did you guys have huge Italian dinners? Yeah, we did. Mangia? Mangia. I would eat, I would do that all the time too, just various snacks, and then I would try to hide the proof. If you looked under the couch cushions,

there were so many wrappers. Oh, dude. Because I would just grab food and then stuff it under there. I know, I was like that too. I will do it to this day. I'll get like tornadoes from 7-Eleven or whatever, and I'll throw them in the outside garbage.

You're still getting tornadoes? Sometimes. Those are the roller things, right? Yeah, oh yeah. Mm-hmm, yep. Now we accept you exactly as you are. I appreciate it. So it's just a little paper sleeve at that point, right?

Yeah, but I mean, I'm just saying, like I'll dispose of the evidence in a different garbage other than like the home garbage. One thing I eat is, like I just eat sour candy. Like I don't really eat sweets. I eat a lot of candy, but that's it You don't eat sweet savouries anymore. No, I love savory, but I'm not like a sweets person. I'm not like a Cook like I'm not super into it. I do is that oh

It's not a dessert Same thing no wait that looks good. I think tornado is shell. I thought a tornado was a dessert, it's not. No, no, no, that's a dessert. A blizzard is a dessert. That looks like my shit right there. A hurricane is also somewhat of a dessert. Yeah.

You can call it dessert. An avalanche is what they have at Shake Shack, right? Or those are, what are those called? Concrete? Concrete, concrete, bro. Concrete. Get a Shake Shack. My movie of the year was calm quiet?

Mama and refine servant looks it was a vibe. It was a vibe if you watch conclave That came out the you know that the Pope died Shit this year. Yeah, the astrology is an unprecedented. How is he strong? You ever hit him with this one When you do that though you gotta wait when you do that then you gotta go day bow bow That's just an on video bit yeah check go over to our YouTube In your car unfortunately on video so go home and rewatch If you're just listening I was doing a fun thing where I manipulated my glasses to go up and down I've been wearing sunglasses this entire episode if you if you're detecting a tone by the way pink like the pink lens though

Yeah, rose colored glass. These are like I would call is that a pink lens Maybe a brown orange. Yeah brown What if I snapped him in half? What would you honestly do? I'd be upset cuz I do like these sunglasses and I had two pair and I can't find the yellow ones right now It would be funny. It would have been funny. I'm not gonna do it. The yellow ones are sick. I don't know where they are Oh my god Three hot dogs on a can of Hormel chili. What brand of hot dogs did you have in the Saki household? Was it a high rent hot dog or a low rent hot dog?

Honestly, I can't remember because it was so many years ago and I obviously didn't even do it. And you didn't even do it. I didn't even do it. All right, of course. But I don't know if they were Costco brand or Nathan's. We were doing Costco brand. Or Hebrew National or what they were.

I really don't know. We always just had like, ballpark. I think we had ballpark pranks. Oh, ballpark, sure. They plump when you cook them. Which is crazy, because you lived in the pork slaughter capital of America. I'm serious.

I also feel like it's our generation. Do the younger generations fuck with hot dogs? Because I still, I've never had a pause on hot dogs in my whole life. No, that's been constant for me. No, fuck with hot dogs like cuz like I still I've never had like a pause on hot dogs No, I love hot dogs like a 90s kid thing Don't you feel like maybe we get some dogs and watch belly after this? Does the Korea have a Korea a foothold in South Korea? Do hot dogs have a foothold in South Korea?

No, not really. No. Not even at baseball games. We eat fried chicken at baseball games. But can I say, South Korea is not wanting for any delicious street food. That's not what I'm saying at all. Have you been? No, I follow their snack technology a lot online. South Korean snacks on Instagram. Yeah, but that's girls. That's Isaac. That's a different's girls That's Isaac

That's a different account Those are just my global burners That's my Isaac fan account Isaac, you are a rascal I am? I'm a rabble-roser? You're a rabble-roser? I've always said that I'm a shit-disturber? You're a shit-disturber, Isaac, red leather pussy destroyer.

I do want to publicly thank you once again for that nickname that has served me very well. Really? Yeah. Are you getting ass from red leather pussy destroyer? No, no, no, I'm not saying- I'm getting laughs, not ass. No, you're getting ass. You're not getting laughs.

Brother, if I tell you one leads to the other, I'm gonna get off laughs. Couldn't disagree more. One leads to the other You guys look I see on the hinge like all the male comedians I see on there It's terrifying when I run into one of them on there because I'm like this is in real life I'm not supposed to see you know you know and they all have like their freaking Fallon pictures and stuff and then when I see is that what they do does that doesn't work. I can't I bet it does Before I knew about male comedians like I thought before I was a comedian I thought I was like oh my god a comedian that's so hot like such a dumb dumbass I love the comedian, that's so hot, like such a dumb, dumb ass.

And then like all the female comedians, it's like we hide every single, like there is no trace of comedy on the profiles. Just trying to hide it. I'm like, no, I'm not a cookie bitch, I'm like totally normal. I'm not a cookie bitch. Cause I was asking, like, if you go on a date with somebody

and they find out that you're comic, like they don't know or whatever, did they like try to go over the top? Oh, hardcore. That's crazy. Immediately. I do think that girl, I've heard that. At dinner.

I have heard that girls do it to dude comics too. What? But it's like the, well, like, cause if if I'm on a date like I don't want to be Like a riff master like I'm trying to I'm trying to descend into normal woman Yeah, I'm trying to feel like a normal woman and when they try to like when like oh you're comedian They try to like neg you or like riff too hard or like yeah, or they'll like be like, oh I listen to you on like or like yeah, or they'll like be like oh I listen to you on like Feel Von's podcast something and I'm like, oh kill me just lie lie. Just lie So we're on the same same level date three say it

The longer I do comedy the less I want anybody to know in my real life I've tried to hide it from my people at home like everyone in Orange County like I try to never do comedy in Orange County Unless I'm absolutely forced I saw my cousin for the first time in like a couple years the other day And he's like you still do the comedy and I was like that's right. Mm-hmm like I you realize oh, he's not aware of the trajectory So he doesn't know anything that's going on. Yeah, like you still I'm also like I'm like, yeah, I'm still doing some comedy Maybe you pick up dinner I'm not doing well at all. You're talking about your new job. I'm not Like I think they think I'm like some weird loser in LA like they don't even know

That's good. I would love I really don't like talking about my career with anyone because it's mostly disappointments and it's stupid Yeah, it's stupid. Do you mean here's the property? Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, what the very colored story remembers all the here? I know what you mean you remember all the shows you didn't sell Like all that so how's that going you're like, yeah, it's a hard time like all that stuff You know, like all that stuff. How's that going? You're like, it's a hard time, like all that stuff. You know what, it sucks though. This happened to me the other day

and it really changed how I think I'm gonna interact with people. Cause I always lie about it in Ubers, cause I never lie. Oh my God, yes, you did that too. Okay, but here's what happened. I was going to the store. I fucking tell this guy, sell life insurance.

Oh. Oh, and he wanted a quote. Foreign guy, hardworking immigrant. That's so important. Wait, wait, wait, buddy, so if something happens to me, my wife and my son will be okay? Oh, this is a very good service. This is a very good service.

What kind of, how much does it cost? And he's just like grilling me about. Were you making things up? Were you giving him numbers? It sucked, man. How much does it cost? What'd you tell him? I don't know, Sean. I don't fucking like the gloves. What'd? It sucked, man. How much does it cost? What'd you tell him? I don't know, Sean.

I don't fucking like the grill. What'd you tell him, though? Because I'm a clown! What'd you tell him? I'm a clown! For money! This is why you take away, Mo. So you don't have to have these conversations.

That's true. What do you mean? I can support my family back home. Dog, it was awful. He said how, he's like, oh, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to go another day without this. It sucked, man.

And I was just like, and he was like, what is your company? What's the name of your company? And I was like, I only do high end. I'm not accepting any of your clients. Million dollar. You said that? You're a quick thinker.

I said high end. Quick on your feet. I said high end. Quick on your feet. I said mine is expensive. Is your company called Life Support? I said if you Google term life search. Joke. Yeah, I need a good Uber ride. Ow, that hit my ankle.

Blank, get him. Throw that at yourself. That's heavy. It's a good thing I'm like a fucking cat. Look at my fucking ankle. What's my fucking name? Yeah, pussy. That was good. David, time for your first and second picks.

Already? It's only 6.30. See the last guy goes, the fourth pick, they go twice, and I've always said that. Hot corner, you know that. And I've always said that. Oh, I was cool at my old school. What a crazy thing to be like, I was cool when I was.

I went to so many fucking schools that just like, it was always like, oh yeah, my old school, they called me this name or I played this game the best. Oh my God, I would have loved. You could create your own backstory that way. I went to like 10 schools, but after a while you just, it's not even worth it. I can't imagine you not always being the coolest dude in the room come to sixth grade

Did you reinvent you I never had to switch a lot of schools That's one thing I never really worked that long, but you definitely Were like like it was a lot of times it was sports in my old school I played basketball better than everybody still shit like that. You're not cool. I Started getting cool around the time. I started getting cool in like fifth grade. Yeah. That's early.

Yeah, I mean I'm really cool, but like before that I was not. I don't think I was that cool. I always had a lot of friends. Well, maybe I was cool, cause I had- You're cool when they're 10. I had a lot of, well when I was- They were cool, Colin Crawford. I was cool when I was cool when they're 10 I had a lot of well when I was cool Colin Crawford

When I was 10 11, I had a group of like if I was 10 they all would have been like I When I was 10 I had like a year or two where I was hanging out with a lot of 15 year old and 16 year olds where I was hanging out with a lot of 15 year olds and 16 year olds. Like pretty much every day. So I was pretty, from then I was pretty on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to be a football.

Yeah, yeah, football helped. And like moving a lot, after you move so many times, after a while you just know how to like, you just come to a new school, you know what to do. Don't hang out with the first kid who talks to you because he's a loser. Go beat the shit out of the tall shit and you're great, you know what to do. Don't hang out with the first kid who talks to you because he's a loser. Go beat the shit out of the tall skin, you're great. Yeah, you know what I mean, shit.

What? Wasn't like that for me when I moved schools. Get a sack. Really? Don't hang out with the first kid who wants to hang out. I'll hang out, I'll talk to anyone who's nice to me. Blair, that's a bad quote. No, I always was nice to everyone.

I am nice and I always was, but it was very much like you cement your own legacy because nobody knows you But then after a while you find out you can't run from yourself. Blair you were eating the heel of the bread That's the first kid who wants to hang out with you. Yeah Like the fucking heel all the Marriott I'm maybe I will take it to prom time is of the end I told you guys you think the heel of the bread's not shooting blanks David, honey I went to prom so many times they wouldn't even let me in again. Okay, so I think we're all good Babe I

Cool in high school, okay, like I was I'm not being cool in high school, okay? Like, I was participating in a conversation, but it was like in an anthropological way. Like, I have no fucking clue what that must have been like. I was cool kid adjacent. I was not really a cool kid in high school. I was at all the parties though. But, because I was such a big fat dude,

I was just like, people liked me a lot. I was cool. Relax dude, big fat guys were way cool. Were very cool, but we weren't fucking. This one wasn't. What, oh. I was like 350, I was like a big, big, I wasn't having sex with anyone, but I was at all the parties where people were.

I think that I was in a very fat kid area that it was okay maybe more or something. Okay, yeah, yeah. Maybe Portland they weren't into it. Beaverton. Beaverton. area that it was okay maybe more so. Okay, yeah, yeah. Maybe Portland they weren't into it. Beaverton. Portland I bet some fat kids were fuckin' but Beaverton.

Just a soft little break. We had a good water polo team. Wait, is Beaverton where Oregon State is? No, that's Corvallis. Beaverton's where Nike is. University of Oregon. What's that? Eugene?

Oh Eugene, okay I went those places for volleyball but why What's that? Eugene? Yes, Eugene. Oh, Eugene. Okay, I went to those places for volleyball, but why does I sound like I've been, why do I feel like I've been to Beaverton? Nike campus is in Beaverton. Oh, here we go. Beaverton. If you have any South Dakota questions, I'm right here.

He's right here. I've never had a question about that place. Fuck off. Yeah. But I do know that I have one. Where to go is my close friend, Sean Cooger. Ian might even know more actually. Sean Cooger Jordan.

I'll tell you anything you need to know about South Dakota. Sean Cooger Jordan? I like Sean Cooger Jordan. I've been to South Dakota several times. To visit him? I've been to his hometown and his birth town. Just to see him. They didn't know him.

Oh. Ha ha! I'm going to take a dump on your dinner. Every second pick. We're not getting through this. Yeah, we have to. Sharpie's gonna be here in a half hour. Oh, this one is brutal.

This one is brutal, but this is very real. I didn't come to school today or yesterday because my mom's sick. I pulled this. I pulled, okay, so. Because who's gonna be like, you're a lying little kid. That's genius. But here's what happened, this is weird. In the fifth grade, I was just really, a lot of external, I was really going through it,

hated school, my mom would go to work, I had to wake up, get myself ready for school, lock the door, and go to school, right? This was me in seventh grade, I think a similar thing. This is why you guys are both titans of industry. In eighth grade, yeah. So what happened? to wake up, get myself ready for school, lock the door, and go to school, right? This was me in seventh grade. I think a similar thing. This is why you guys are both tight in the industry. In eighth grade.

So here's what happened. One day, my mom wakes me up, because she would wake me up before she would leave. Before she went with it. Yeah, yeah, she wakes me up, I go back to sleep, I wake up, I wake up at like 9.30, and then I'm like, fuck. Were you a bus situation or a walk?

I was a walk. But as a kid you're so, you don't even think, you think it's already fucked. So I'm not gonna go in. There's no other options. I just gotta stay home. Absolutely. And I stayed home all day.

And then my mom came home and I just didn't say anything about it. And then I went to school the next day and they asked me what happened. I was like, my mom was sick, she couldn't give me a ride. And that worked. The problem is, once that worked, dog, I missed realistically probably like,

that half of the school year, I missed probably half of it. Wow. No, maybe like a quarter of it. And they don't wanna have to. A week didn't go by that it wasn't happening, but then, we're at a parent-teacher conference. Oh no. All my shit's down, and the teacher's like,

well, it's hard for him to have decent grades when he's here every other day. Right. And like the look. On your mom. On her face. Shit. Were you there when?

I was at the parent. Oh, you attended your parent's teacher. I got punished, old school. We had to go to art. You didn't have to go to art. Yeah, sure. Well, we had to go to art, it sucked. Yeah, but yeah, my mom's still.

What were you doing the whole time playing Mortal Kombat, Sega Genesis? I was, this is super weird. What were we doing? At the time, at the time we didn't have cables, so I was watching a lot of packs. It was like Doctor, it would be Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman, Into Highway to Heaven, Into What was the Angels one?

Into Touched by an Angel. Touched by an Angel? I used to love Touched by an Angel. The one with Michael, Mahasana Puri. But then I would just like, but then when everybody got home from school in the apartment complex, I would go out and hang out Yeah, I would go hang out. Yeah, cuz you were busy all day. So I had friends Yeah, but then sometime in the middle of that somebody told me about a truant officer and I got really scared

So I just wouldn't leave the house until it was time. Oh, right. Okay, understandable. Yeah, it was crazy We were they wanted to help me back but I I could read too quickly. But you're too smart. Eighth grade, so seventh and eighth grade, I got really into Ultima Online, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game. I love it. You lost your life. You say it every time and explain what it is. Well yeah, I mean I would have no fucking clue,

I'm a jock, I don't know that. Massively multiplayer online role-playing game. Claire was at prom in fifth grade. Hey, but I went to prom so much they wouldn't let me back in. And I would play until like 5 a.m. My mom worked the graveyard shift, so I would like go to bed right before she got home.

She went to bed and I would just keep missing school. Yeah. And she eventually like, or I would have to wake her up like I missed the bus, you know, whatever, you take me. And she eventually was like, if you, she might have been on, cause she would have been home.

Anyway, she was like, if you miss school again, you have to walk. And it was not a walkable, it was like five miles. So I did one time. I had walked all the way to fucking Meadow Park middle school. Learned the hard way. And they tried to hold me back.

They were like, oh no, they tried to put me, they were gonna send me to high school, they tried to put me into catapult, which was for kids. Yeah, dumb guys. And I was like, so I wept. I love those misleading ass names. Catapult. Catapult sounds like the for kids. Is that for dumb guys? Yeah, dumb guys. And I was like, so I wept. I love those misleading ass names. As an adult, catapult.

Catapult sounds like the smart kids. I have a question. Yes. I have a question that is maybe more serious than the tone of what we've been doing. But now as an adult, do you look back and realize that it wasn't ultimate online? It was like a lot of other stuff going on.

Absolutely. Same. Hellring. I thought I just like didn't, but it was just like, it's like, it was just, there was a lot going on. You. I thought I just didn't, but it was just like, it's like, it was just, there was a lot going on. You know what I mean? It's where I started to really realize how different I was like everyone else.

And I was literally playing a different character on this game, so I got to be the same as everybody else. So I like poured myself into that game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blair, time for your second pick. Oh, it is. Whoa. No, I did not send the full lyrics of Bloodhound Gang, Yeah, yeah, yeah Blair, time for your second pick Oh it is No I did not send the full lyrics of Bloodhound Gang of Mammals over AIM to Angela

Angela's mom is a fucking lying bitch Someone hacked me Ha ha! You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals? Somebody else gotta hold up my account, Caralair23 And send those heinous ass inappropriate sexual lyrics over to Angela, and it wasn't me. Sexual lyrics. Carabler23.

How old were you when you didn't do that? Well, I didn't do it, but it was in fifth grade when I didn't do it. Fifth grade was hard for all of us. No, but I was like, oh my God, like, whoa, these are crazy lyrics. I don't even know what they mean. Yeah, what it's like. The bad touch.

Sex is a Texas drought. Yeah, sweat, baby, sweat, baby, sex is a Texas drought. That song sucks. It doesn't suck, but as a as a grown-up you're like grown-ups wrote this Put my hand down you I put your hand down my pants and I bet you'll feel nuts Something that's how I imagine if I ever was in look I do not like younger men I don't but that song is exactly how I imagine Joe burrow would speak to me. Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah. Like that, I feel like that's exactly how he would speak to me.

Baker Mayfield too. Is he a quarterback? Okay, he's a quarterback. Damn it, I did it, now I got the eyes. I only like it when David's doing them. Come quick, Ron, please. Never reach an apex, just like Coca-Cola stock, you are inclined.

Didn't they play that on TV. Yeah, no bleeps Yeah, they had the video and everything probably there's no cuss words in it I never really got into the bloodhound no they were for you into the bloodhound gang They seem like they were very poetic Incredibly unique original the disc was a boob incredibly unique, original, thoughts and lyrics. Sean. What? The disc was a boob.

Was it really? Do you remember that? No. Yeah. I never had it. I knew some people who got heavy into the Bloodhound Gang. How could you not? It was so salacious.

Yeah. If you're a little sicko. If you're a little fucking sicko you right up there Yes, I'm Cisco yes, I'm't even believe I get to go home and watch Love Island after this! It's actually a really good day in this goddamn health day. I can't handle it. I got in for a few episodes and I was like, this is too much. David! You were misguided! The milk got me out.

The milk was nasty. That was fucking foul. I'm with you on that. I like milk though. John is a milk guy. I don't know what we're talking about, but I like milk. No new episodes on Wednesdays is what I hear. Can we clip that? Just, and just put it,

put it and just put it in place. I like milk though. Oh, Sean Jordan. I like milk though. Right after this, David goes, yeah, the guy's, he dedu-ed his pants and it just got to me, I like milk though. Right after the thing. David goes, yeah, the guy's, he de-dood his pants and it just cut to me, I like milk though. I did not see that coming, brother.

It's a nasty word, but I like it. I'm gonna come in in a minute, let me see if I can find a way to, oh, milk, I like milk. I gotta get involved. I'm also at work. I gotta get in. I like milk too. I'm also at work. I gotta get in the pit and let some. I'm also at work.

I can't just sit here and drink coffee, you know? Out of the coffee cup, not vodka. Oh. Sean, time for your second pick. Yes, I brushed my teeth. Oh. That's perfect. Oh, that's such a boy lie.

Yeah, boys are dirty. You brush your teeth, why does you smell like a fucking garbage disposal in your mouth still? There's dirt on you. You check, my nephews, they'll say they brushed their teeth and you smell like a fucking garbage disposal in your mouth still. There's dirt on you. You check, my nephews they'll say they brushed their teeth and you just go grab the toothbrush you're like, no you'd eat. Busting a kid on their lie, as long as it's not something that's gonna like scar them, is pretty tight.

Yeah, busting makes you feel good. Yeah. Busting. Now put the I like milk. I don't want to. I like the milk. No! Don't rub me into your nasty game.

Into your nasty boy talk. Yeah man, I brushed my teeth. I didn't lie about it a ton, but I had braces so I did lie about it. You were going no brush with the braces? It just, I hated looking. I hated... I had to wear head gear too. I just hated the... Do you wear head gear too, I just hated the.

Do you wear head gear at night, is that how that works? I had to wear it to school for about three days. And then. How did that go? Horribly. My mom used to pack me egg salad sandwiches, you know egg salad sandwich, yeah obviously. I got a lot of tuna in my lunch. I would like.

Sounds like my Friday night. I would like squeeze it in through the head gear, kids were not cool about it You didn't even take the headgear off to eat? It's too embarrassing. I know everything I'm hearing about this is that you are It's a lose-lose if you take the headgear out and set it on the table You were in the Wild West of South Dakota Literally the Wild West. It sucked

Was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Anyway, so I just skipped brushing my teeth I didn't like thinking about my teeth I remember my mom fighting with my brother, like constantly growing up about that. And she'd be like, let me smell your mouth. And then I would never lie about brushing my teeth. I would be like, why would I lie about that? Your teeth are amazing by the way.

Oh, thanks. Also little boys are just so dirty. Little boys are just so dirty. Max doesn't wanna brush your teeth and it's a to do every night. We have to like play tricks I mean, it's nuts. You got that joy. What do you mean? You're like, yeah Little kids you have to wipe them for like yeah for a long time. Yeah, like cuz my niece asked me to

Wipe her ass. Yeah, I was like and I was like me And then I was like I'll go get your mom because uh, but I didn't know that so that's something you have to learn It's funny too when they're not babies and they can talk like I remember with my brothers because they can talk normal So it's just like it's just like hey, can you come wipe my butt? Yeah, it's like a person asking I mean, it's hard to trouble you like you almost want to be like wipe wipe or some dumb shit So tall now that like you can't I can't lay her on the floor like she's a baby, like you would wipe a baby's butt. So she'll like, just, yeah, she'll be like,

I pooped, come in here, I'm done, and then just like bend over and you gotta, it's crazy. That's what my niece did to me yesterday, she's like, Auntie, I need you to wipe me. I was like, what do you, what, what? Who? What? Well then, like you want them to learn

how to do it on their own, but then you're like, it's pretty, I wanna make sure you're doing it, cause it can go all the way up your back. You know, like it's a situation. A big job. I'm currently in charge of two people's poop. Wow. Mine and my baby's.

And your baby's, yeah. I like a hands on diet, good for you guys. Little baby poop isn't so bad, it's when they start like walking around. He's starting to eat little solid food. That's, I remember Yeah, I remember one different I remember when all my brothers hit that transition of like the real food starts coming in. It's pretty and then it's like dog Used to poop now you shit yeah

Three hot dogs with a can of Hormel chili and then you had to ask someone else to wipe your ass Before you had like the chili before you had wedding soup for dinner. What are you guys? No, that's indeed Yeah, okay, yeah, you were right time for my second third pick since it is a serpentine draft absolutely serpentine We're flying through the car. Wow. Well, I thought I was oh you're the second break. We'll be right back Welcome back to All Fantasy Everywhere. I look at my list. Time for my second break.

Speaking of poop, I don't have to poop. A lie I told all the time. Yeah, that's a good one. All the time. How did that lie come about, like if you were being accused of farting? No, I would like clearly had to poop. I would be like holding my butt to get like, you know,

like squeak and like, do you have to go poop? I'm like, no, for some reason I didn't want to go poop. Kids think there's something wrong. Like they don't want to stop what they're doing. And also I think kids only want to poop at home. They're like, I speak for Maxine. She's like a very routine pooper. So like she, you don't want to be at the park and be like,

I gotta go slice one off real quick. You wanna keep playing at the park. I get that. Still that doesn't change by the way. I don't, you know. I'd like to poop at home. No I like to shit at my house. Universally.

Yeah, cause I like to take my shirt off. Yeah. Did you know that? I just found that out. I've done that too. What? Yeah, got the honkers out It makes you

I know it doesn't but something especially from wearing a shirt. I like it just makes me I just don't Yeah, yeah, yeah, and and then sometimes I'll do it at home and then You guys shit in front of each other? I just had the door kind of open. It's like three. And I'm like, there's just nothing. If I hear that front door, that bathroom door's getting closed one way or another.

Fucking the goddamn dog didn't bark. You're supposed to hold me down. Do their job. Yeah, you have one thing you have to do. You have one thing you have to do. You gotta send that dog two days, dude. Dog, you don't poop in the house and you bark when somebody's coming in.

Everything else is taken care of. I got you. I'll take you to the park. You wanted to get caught. I take you to get a fucking, I get caught all the time. That was a setup. She was trying to prove a point.

Yeah. And she's a real barky dog too. I fucking know. Is your door too far away for you to be on the toilet and still shut the door? Yeah. Cause ours we got a tiny little bathroom. But there's also three-

That means you have a big bathroom, a luxurious one. It's also there's stairs in between. It's just not a great feeling. Wait, in between the door to your bathroom and your toilet there's stairs. Yes. I call it my poop dungeon. He's doing well.

All right. He is doing well, all right? That would be nuts. Have you ever seen a bathroom with stairs in it? Can't have the profits, whatever. Don't fucking ask me personal questions. You ever heard your nose broken, bro? Yes. That sucks, I'm sorry.

Have you? I broke it on the back of another guy's head after I took a baseball bat out of his hands and put it into the ground. Whoa, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Have you? Broken my nose? Yeah. ground. Whoa, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Have you? Broken my nose?

Yeah. No. Neither have I. Oh, I did. My board popped up into it and broke a little bit of my, yeah, I did once. Yeah, I knew it. I think, I didn't have a diagnosed nose.

I knew you had. Toes, toes, toes, toes. It really sucked. Right, it hurts. Did you ever break toes on the line? You must have. Yes, pinky toe. I broke toes skateboarding too, no big deal.

Nobody gives a shit. They break them in volleyball? I didn't break my toe, but one day it was so weird. Like my toe bent fully to the wrong side and I turned white and my brother just picked it up and moved it back in. Oh, dislocated, yeah. But it was bizarre. That happened with my thumb once.

It's so gross. My knee popped out to the side and went back in one time like that. My shit used to do that on the reg. It sucks so bad. It's so nasty when a bone goes the wrong way. Yeah, and it can just be placed back in there and you're like, are you cool?

Yeah, I know, you're like, do I have a blood clot now? I know. When your knee does it, it's like panic for a second. And then it's like, you know. I just kicked my, it came out and I just went like, fuck, and I freaked out and it popped back in and you're like, something had to happen. The knee is so big, how is that even possible?

I thought banana, I fell back with my heel to my butt. I didn't think the knee was supposed to pop out like that. It was not. I had to tape my knee every day for a long time. Does that mean you had like some, like MCL or meniscus or some? No, no, no, no, no, no. When I did it I tore my meniscus.

No major tear that I know of. You got bendy knees, dude. I got bendy knees. I didn't tear mine when I tore it, I tore it at a different time. But no, when it popped out it didn't, nothing tore. Oh, have you ever torn any? Sure have.

Who? I tore my meniscus. Yeah, I tore my meniscus. Yeah, I tore my meniscus. MCL. Oh, shit. I can touch rim. That's my third pick.

Right now? Oh! I'm pretty sure I've torn that too. You grabbed me. You're talking about? I've definitely said that dead faced. Just like shit faced? I can touch rim.

No, a hundred percent serious lie. I've never touched it. I've never touched rim. I've never got up there. Never got up there, but I said I could. You're big enough though that it's not crazy. No, I'm 6'3". I can't touched it. I've never touched rim. I've never got up there. Never got up there, but I said I could. You're big enough though that it's not crazy. No, I'm 6'3". That's what I mean.

Like if you say. Well, you're tall and you're an athlete. Thank you. I couldn't do it. Basketball, not one of my. You never touch rim? Athletic. Don't you use jumpies for a skateboard?

Skyhooks, bro. I get the skyhooks and I put them on my truck wheels and then the board sticks your feet, bro. Do you not use jumpies for skateboarding? I don't know what a jumpy is. Jumping? Oh yeah, I use jumpies. Yeah.

I was always bad at the vertical. You know when you had to do your vertical where you just keep your legs straight? Smith's good at it, right? Good boy. Sorry to air you out, brother. We're at a party one night. My buddy, he's talking all this noise

about how he can 360 dunk. We're like, no you can't 360 dunk. So we go to Lewis and we get a basketball and we get a tinier basketball. So already we're like, well this doesn't count. And then we're walking there. We're like 10 feet from the court and he's like, what about a regular dunk?

And we're like, that would also be dope. But did he do the regular dunk? Enough to where I would say. Yeah, he's pretty tall. That's a positive story Where like that would also be dope. But did he do the regular dunk? Enough to where I would say. That's a positive story. How tall is Smith? He did, he's 6'4 I think. Yeah. I gotta get Smith's back.

It's cool that he could dunk. I got his back all day. I love him like a brother, man. I love Smith like a brother. But he did the dunk where you're up there, but you throw it in. Oh sure. And so his wrist was over the rim,

but he threw it in and you're like, fucking shack packing a little bit You know like you pull up on it. You mean a bitch. Yeah slam dunk slam. Yes Is that was there? It's weird that there's dunks that aren't slam dunks. I think they're all slam dunks This one was you know what I was thinking of it would be so funny Do you there was a time where there wasn't a uniform name for that and slam dunk? Was the one that they picked but there was probably another guy? Pushing another one. Yeah, that didn't work. Like what was the second and then like everybody hated him?

I think imagine like he was like he cram jam He just keeps doing it and everybody's like, no, it's a dunk, come on man. Come on man. Come on man, everyone else, you tried and you failed. He squished it in! Slam bam, thank you man. No, it's a slam dunk, but.

Ah, Isaac cut that. Ah, Sean, your third pick? Um, I kissed a girl at camp Didn't happen wait never happened would you do that until you were 12 I lost my virginity at 13 It's disgusting Absolutely disgusting, but yeah, it was like one of those early lies Is that true? Yeah. Well, that's young. It's disgusting. It's absolutely disgusting. But yeah, it was like one of those early lies.

I never lied about that. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I kind of- The whole crew was. I feel like I kind of knew people would smell that that was not. Yeah. Oh, did you kiss a girl at camp,

dude it into the same animal t-shirt you wore the last seven days? Yeah. Yeah, she had an animal t-shirt on too. Is that what you, you kissed a girl at camp guy in the light blue Ocean Pacific t-shirt with a mustard imprint? It was serendipitous. Guys who said these corn dogs taste queer,

the girl kissed you. Oh my God, I love corn dogs. Do you know what else the fact that queer tasted is corn dogs? Queer dogs. They have. No, that happened to me the opposite to where my friend, I have high school friends to this day

where this kid told everyone that we made out and we did not and to this day, my friends don't believe me. That is infuriating. I mean, that's spelled a bit about it too, but like I never put a name to it. I was never like, yeah, Amanda or whatever. It was like, girl X who lives in Rapid or whatever. Yeah. Girl X. I made out with girl X, dude.

That doesn't mean I was doing Molly. She was DMX's cousin. She goes to a different school. Do we need to sort this guy out? Should we go find him? I know, I wanted to say his first and last name on here, but I'm not going to. Is he still in the OC?

Are we big in the OC? I don't know'm not going to. Is he still in the OC? Are we big in the OC? I don't know. Do we carry a lot of weight in the OC? I don't know. With your guys far right politics, probably, yeah. We've gone far right, yeah. It could go either way, I feel. Yeah.

Yeah, we just gotta do what we want. I don't like to be censored is the big thing. I just wanna say whatever I feel, and you know what I mean. No, totally. And I'm more of a libertarian who's like pretty into fascism. Yeah. I'm a libertarian who's like pretty into fascism. Yeah. I'm a libertarian, dude.

I just like the color red. It's my favorite color. It's my favorite color since kindergarten and it's been a really hard time to mesh with my morals. Yeah, I like red hats. I have so many red hats and I just started wearing them again. I like just sort of got comfortable with them

the last year of Biden's presidency, and now I can't wear them anymore. You both look good in a red hat, too. Well, David looks good in anything, but I'm already too fit to part where people would already, they see the blonde and they're like, oh, I can't do it. Can't lean into it anymore.

Mr. Biden, sure. Mr. Biden. Blair, it's time for your third pick. Oh. Mmm. No, I did not accidentally let my neighbor Donna Ronis' go-go while showing my friend. I once have been framed.

And just because she drove her golf cart and knocked on the door and told my mom doesn't mean I didn't. You stole your neighbor's golf cart? You're like the most, you're a California raisin, baby. That's the, what? I didn't even get the first part. You stole, you didn't. No, no, no, no, no. You didn't even get the first part. You stole-

No no no no no no I did not- I know you didn't, I know you didn't Accidentally let my neighbor Donna Ronis' goat go Goat? Goat? Goat? Are you saying goat? Like a billy goat? Like a billy goat

While showing my friend who was over for a sleepover And um, yeah I was framed by nefarious Enterprises in my name you've been framed a lot. So whoever whatever I stay framed They framed you for letting the goat out on accident. They didn't know you're the goat That's why I said whichever nerdy well Then in my defense, So when whoever was doing this was showing your friend the goat,

they just opened the goat door and didn't like, just had it open. And they were shocked that it ran out. And the goat was like, finally. Because. Yes, yes. And then there was a goat loose in the city, which just sounds like a movie.

It's not quite a city, now it's a very rural area, but still, you know, who could have anticipated that something like that would happen You can't predict goat behavior Brother you can try. You'll go broke. You'll go broke. Yeah, you can fucking try David time for your third and fourth picks I'm not tired. Yeah I got like three versions of that. That's so good. It's just like, I don't know why,

but like, what are you talking about? And you're like, and you're asleep. Yeah. I'm not tired. Go to bed, go to bed. I wanna watch Bed, Nights, and Friends. I wanna finish the movie. My bedtime's at 9.30.

It's like eight and you're on the floor. Yeah, just passed out in your pajamas with a big soccer ball in the front. That might be specific to me. That is, Max says that, I mean, I'm not tired, I can't fall asleep, and I'm like, you got up at six, I saw what you did all day, I know you're tired, and then 30 seconds after she lays down,

she's asleep. Yeah, you just aren't in tune with your body yet. And this one, I don't know how to explain this, but when boobs are on the screen, and you're going like this. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're looking. There's like a, you are lying. You are lying.

I never cover my eyes once. As a what? I was like, those titties are for me, baby. That is not what I said. I'm lucky I'm even awake to watch In Decent Proposal. It's 9.45. I was supposed to be in bed 45 minutes ago. I'm acting like there's something on the wall

that I'm really interested in. Well, my mom would do it. I'm trying to look another way. My mom would do it. My mom would say it, which is crazy. What? My mom would be like, cover your eyes. Say my line, mom. My mom, too. which is crazy, my mom would be like, cover your eyes. Same with my mom!

Same with mine. So then you're like. She would say they're hoochie cooing. That was her, I totally do this. That's hilarious. That is incredible nomenclature. They're hoochie cooing? Rock and roll hoochie cooing?

Yeah. They're hoochie cooing? Do you still call it that? I don't, I should bring it back. Hoochie cooing. We'd come in and the kiddies would be boning sometimes and she's like, don't go in there, the kiddies are hooch-cooing That's incredible

Sometimes you give just like Just a sliver of light into what it was like No I can see like your whole childhood just from that one phrase The kiddies are whochi-cooing The kiddies are don't go in there the kiddies are whochi-cooing But there was a lot of cats weren't they usually whochi-cooing We had 13 and that's why they were whochi-cooing. But there was a lot of cats, weren't they usually whoochie cooing? We had 13 and that's why they were whoochie cooing

all the time, because there was one girl, 12 dudes. What? You had 13 cats and it was one girl, 12 dudes? As far as I remember. That's so South Dakota. That's crazy. I did not know that that was the- I'm pretty sure, I'll ask Kelly Jordan if that's-

That woman lived in a daily game bang. Was that on purpose? Samantha was her name. I'm pretty sure I'll ask Kelly Jordan. That woman lived in a daily game bang Samantha was her name Samantha was getting rocked to sideways By Peter in your home by Peter cupcake bandit Alexander Alexander Grey Francois Pierre Francois Francois do you think that men generally who grew up with cats are more benevolent? Except for what you guys did to Samantha. Except for that. That's such a crazy. That's such a crazy. A lot of these cats had grown man names too. Samantha is like the origin story of that movie monster. It could be Francois and Pierre Francois and Bandit got in there one day.

Wait, Monster the movie is based on your cat Samantha. Okay, I gotta check. I'll ask my mom tonight if there was more than one girl. Say the names again. Peter, Alex, Alexander Grey, Cupcake, Bandit, Francois, Pierre, Francois, Samanthais Samantha those are the names. I remember a French household Oh Francesca there was a new girl we had Francesca. There were two girls. We had Francesca. Yeah Someone there Francesca we're trying to get the fuck out of that house. Your house is a goddamn balloon pop challenge. Fucking 20 v 1.

Oh my god. We have, we are out of time. We have to speed through the rest of these things. Yeah, yeah, right. Let's speed up. Blair, what's your fourth pick? What's my fourth pick? What's my fourth pick? Um, oh, oh, no, no, I did not write ass 30 times on construction paper and leave it in my desk And I don't even know how to spell ass. That's a bad word and My teacher is once again trying to frame me because when I grow up, I'll go to prom too many times

You just wrote a hat or no you didn't just write ass. Somebody bless you. Somebody wrote ass a bunch. Where? Wrote ass 30 times in a row. Where? On a construction paper and left it in their desk in school. Ass ass ass. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. Honestly if you look at my- Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, I got an idea for a song. No, I literally said that.

I did say that I didn't know how to spell ass, so it couldn't be me. Yeah, it couldn't be you. A, what, Z? I don't even know what that is. I wrote as a bunch. I do love bass fishing. And maybe you got confused.

Oh, is that not how that Stevie Wonder song is spelled? Yeah. Sean? Yeah, thank you for the socks for Christmas. I love the socks. Oh. You guys could remember lies a lot more than I could. You have incredibly specific.

I'm not trying to incriminate myself too much. Thank you for the socks. No, none of these are me. I'll incriminate myself too much I'll incriminate myself on the next one though because this that was a tight one But yeah, I think you're the socks bullshit. Don't get kids socks crazy get him that what that's not a holiday Get him because it's Tuesday with my fourth one. I didn't mean to rush yours. That's just the rest of the podcast Mm-hmm. I read that book even me a reading-ass kid. Oh, that's a classic little male boy lie. Yeah. There were just certain songs, or books,

that I was like, I'm not reading that. I'm not reading that at school. And I would lie, and I could usually lie my way through it. I would make sure I didn't give the presentation first, and I could piece it together for what other people were saying, and I could go up there and extrapolate. That's what school is. It's a system.

If you can figure out the system, it's like, you know. Did you ever have to take those book report tests on the computer? No. We had to take them out of, like, written tests. I can't remember what the program was, but it was like a book report test, so it would ask you about the thing.

And I could always, like, if I read half the book, I could always kind of, like, figure out enough by the way the questions were leading to beat the test. There were a lot of essays, and I could fudge my way through those pretty good. And there were a lot of like, spoken things. And I was always good at that too, I could get through it. So I can read that book as my fourth pick.

And my final pick is going to be, my friend, like friend or somebody you know, it was always like, someone in my circle, their dad went to Japan for business and brought them back a Nintendo that we don't even have here. Oh yeah. A new Nintendo or a Sega, but we don't even have that shit here.

So he has it. Yeah, that's his house. My buddy had a version of that. His dad worked for this company called Nash Finch. You guys heard of Nash Finch? No. It's like a food distributor, but he would bring home Like Oreos or something, but my friend would be like these are these are special Oreos or what you like He would make it up like you can't get these at the store

And then I'd see him at the store I'm like I just bought these and brought them home and then lied to you about what his job is Well kids lying the dad's not lying dad might have lied. I think it's the kid I think that's kid behavior. I could not stop fucking lying when I was a kid Like I was like the world is my oyster. I can just make up anything when we finish this shot when we Decided on this Sean was like have you been working on your list? I was like brother. I told so many Sean you're final you're final I I didn't break that toilet seat handle. That was a real specific one. Oh, classic.

Oh yeah. Toilet seat handle? I broke it at my buddy's house, and I've told it before, we're sitting at dinner, and the parents go to the brother and sister, they're like, who broke the toilet seat handle? And neither one of them did break the flusher.

Oh, not the toilet seat. Like the chain snapped? No, I snapped the flusher, the literal flusher, the plastic, the thing, the flusher. The toilet, this is the toilet flusher. Okay, I broke the the flusher, the literal flusher, the plastic, the thing, the flusher. The front? This is the toilet flusher. Okay, I broke the toilet flusher, the handle. Okay, yeah.

The thing you hit to flush. Okay, okay, well you're saying toilet seat handle. But like what part snapped, like the plastic that it's connected to or the chain that comes down to lift the thing to? Outside, the... The arm, the little arm. Yep, I snapped it right off.

Did you take such a big dump that you were like, I better jam on this thing. I don't know what I did, because those are hard to break, but then I was sitting at dinner, and then the parents asked the kids who broke it, and neither one of them did, so they're getting furious at each other

because they both think the other one's lying, and they're like, all right, you're both grounded until we found out who did it, and then I'm like, I did it. And then they're like, okay, no one's grounded, we kept eating them. Well there you go, you're clean, it. And then they're like, okay, no one's grounded. We kept eating. Wow, you're a man of real honesty and character. But I lied about it for like two minutes.

Two minutes isn't bad for a kid. So yeah, I didn't break toys. That's natural helper behavior right there buddy. You don't know how natural help is baby. Blair? Oh, this is my last one, right? Oh, no, I did not lose your place on Star Fox. That was someone else who snuck up and used your N64.

We have gnomes and fairies in our house that do a lot of this type of wacky shit, and then they try to put it on me so that I get in trouble, and just because it's always left on the sixth level because I can't beat the fucking sixth level, doesn't mean it's me. You know? Who? Now, can you help me beat the sixth level? Who would you, if that would have been you,

who would you have been saying that to your mom? No, my brothers would get so fucking mad. Her mom was big in a Star Fox. No, my brothers would get so fucking mad. Mom was big in a Star Fox. No, my brothers would get so mad and go tell my parents that I would sneak up there and that like every time they got super far, it would be fucked up because someone went in and it was always at the sixth level. I love that shit. Use the boost to get through.

You know? But it wasn't me. So I'd be cheering you on of no help at all? Yeah. Yeah, I know, so. That's great. David, you're fine to lie. This is like a 12 to 15, 16 era lie. Right on the verge.

I need to take a shower. Oh! I'll be in there for a little bit. I'm gonna go beat off in there. I mean, I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm gonna go squash out. there. I mean I'm gonna go take a shower I'm gonna go squash out. At some point your mom's like again? Yeah You couldn't be cleaner

Little girls always it was with Jets, you know, I gotta go squash a Jet. Yeah, oh Oh and the Jacuz Jet squashing in the Jacuz Jet squashing, classic Jet set squashing Peter the jacuzzi. Jet squashing. Classic. Jet set, squashing, peacher. Yeah. I had to take a shower. Do you have a lie?

Yeah, the lie I told most was like, oh, I totally don't like that girl. I don't have a crush on her. Oh, yeah. Oh, I did that one all the time. Sometimes you thought that was gonna work out. Yeah. Yeah.

Like that, and then, but then it'll work. Like she'll figure it out. Yeah, she'll think I'm like, blotting. I had a crush on every single girl I knew almost Fucking jock That would be the last episode of this podcast God forbid it never comes but if that's how this podcast ends

just like it's like a good backhand and then he just smacks it and then it fades to black. I delete my Instagram right after we're... People don't know if we're still friends, You have no idea where we left it off. Oh, that's sick, dude.

Well, to recap, I went first. I took, I know a famous person. I don't have to poop. I can touch rim. I read that book. My dad brought me back a video game system that doesn't exist anywhere else. Sean, you had a, yes, I did my,

or no, I actually didn't have homework. Yes, I brushed my teeth. I kissed a girl at camp. Thank you for the socks. And I didn't break the toilet. Blair, you had three hot dogs and a can of Hormel chili. Bloodhound gang bad touch lyrics. I didn't let the goat loose. No, I didn't write ass 30 times on construction paper.

And no, I did not lose your place on Star Fox. David, you went third. You took, I was cool at my old school. I didn't come to school yesterday because my mom got sick. I'm not tired. I'm not looking at the boobs on the screen, and I need to take a shower, which tells a pretty nice story.

Yeah! That had a beginning, middle, and end. Yeah, it did. Yeah. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at allfantasypodcasts at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon, where we have live episodes, bonus episodes,

mailbag episodes, auction drafts, this or that episodes, all sorts of stuff. Shout out to super producer Isaac on the ones and twos. Shout out to the AFV subreddit. Shout out to Saint Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Hodgkin Beats and more more than all that.

Tune in again, I have to pee so bad. Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Rawdawg! That was a HeadGum podcast. head gum called Next We Have. Now this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works.

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