All Fantasy Everything - Last Meal (w/ Richard Bain, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

Last meal, y'all feel? The Good Vibes Gang is joined by comedian Richard Bain to draft our least meals - a topic picked by our Patreon members! Episode Guest:Richard Bain @dickbain IG: @dickbainSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that actually had a pretty nice drive home from work. Oh yeah? Nice. Pretty nice drive home from work. 37 minutes. How many people did you accost, window up or down?

No accosting whatsoever. Nobody hopping out of their whip and running over to try to get into some fisticuffs with me. I haven't sold this on here, but I saw a gun get pulled on someone in the Dale the other day. Oh, damn, that's right. You saw it through your rear view because you were taking the fuck off. I saw myself pull a gun on someone at the Starbucks. He saw his waistband.

I saw the Starbucks employee give me everything in the store. He saw his waistband. I saw the Starbucks employee give me everything in the store. He saw his military dress pistol that he swore to never use again. My military ID that I only use for Disneyland and art museums. Yeah, dude, I was on brand and some dude's just banging on the window and he's like, he's going, I'm like

20 feet away and he's like, open the fucking door like banging on it hard. I was like, damn. And then his whole demeanor changes. He's like, open the fucking door, like banging on it hard. And I was like, damn. And then his whole Demeter changes. He's like, he's got a fucking gun and he runs away. And I was, I was like a cat. It's like,

holy shit. And I was staring in this window goes down and I didn't see it. But like, I think the dude like showed the guy a gun. I don't know if he was like pointing. Yeah. I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos of that, of where a guy,

of like where a guy just shows the gun in his lap and his car's filming himself. He'll be like, stupid fucking idiot. And he just shows him with a gun in the lap. I like the montages where it's like 20 worst road rages.

Oh, we watch those all the time? Yeah, dude. There's another one. It's called Meanwhile in Russia. Oh, have you seen Meanwhile in Russia? The Russia one is... There's no rules.

Fucking Russia. I can't fuck with that man. The Russian ones are off the... I saw a UFO in one of the Russian ones. Yeah. That's how buck shit is over there.

I don't understand how it's still a civilization. It gives me... It makes me worry less about America because I'm like, well, people still fall in love and go out to eat. less about America because I'm like, well, people still fall in love and go out to eat.

I know it sucks more, but like, they still get by. Russian love isn't like that of an American. No, no, no, no. They're both anticipating the same death. We were watching, we went gnarly down the wormhole. We watched this dude, this Canadian video called Ryan's Last Ride or something.

And it's these Canadian dudes just motorized shop carts and make little ramps. But they're just so Canadian. They're like, well, you really stoved her right in there, didn't you, bud? All this tough, cool Canadian talk. Sounds like you when you've had a couple bowls of loudmouth soup. It does. I get a little into my cups, and what do you know? I start getting, oh, shit.

Yeah, no, I've been up to, yeah, I've been to, went up there. You know, they have the first skate plows up there. Somebody broke my window, borrowed my camera, you know. That happened to my friend Micah. Somebody broke into his car and we were like, these nice Canadians borrowed your camera for a while. Yeah.

And every time he'll break, like I'll go back and he's like, the Canadian guy's still borrowing my camera. I don't know where it's at. I'm going to get it back pretty soon here. I was either in Madison or Alabama because I've been traveling a lot, but somewhere I saw Hy-Vee, and I thought of you. Hy-Vee?

Probably Madison, right? I used to run the Cheese Island. Yeah, I wasn't in Alabama. They got... Piggly Wiggly? No, the... Shit. Not Piggly Wiggly.

Shit, man. Taster's Choice? No, maybe maybe i don't know it'll come lion food lion no not food lion lion of judah shit man it's not cub foods it's not ralph's whole foods it's not freddie's food babylon it's babylon They got a lot of- Lion of Babylon. That old grocery chain. I'm going to Babylon. Out in the streets, they call it murder. Jam rocks. Yeah. Jam rocks. Welcome to the jam rocks.

Going to get some chickpeas. You know, that kind of podcast. It's that kind of podcast, ultimately. Fun stuff. Recording live from the Fortress of Solitude. It is. It is. In Glendale, California. Fun stuff. Recording live from the Fortress of Solitude. It is. It is. In Glendale, California.

I don't know if I get more comfortable. Haven't been to the studio in a minute. We were going to go last night, and I canceled it because I was sleeping. Ah, what do you do? I was hanging out with Sharpie, man. Everybody tweet Sharpie. I think he busted his foot. Oh, yeah.

Chris Charpentier broke his foot or something. Oh, shit. It worked? Jacked it up. It was like, he's got a cane. He looks kind of cool. He's got a cane. Was it?

It's a construction injury. Yeah. Which feels worse than any other kind. That's the toughest kind. This frigging bozo over here. Oh, this guy in his pink shirt over here? This guy in his pink shirt over here. Walking opposite of a construction injury.

He's like. What do you mean? I don't know how you get hurt at work. I don't know how you get hurt doing construction. He said that. Is that what you said out loud? These are the soft hands of a dainty gentleman, my friend. Yeah, the manicured nails of a typist.

Oh, no, I don't touch sandpaper. Thank you very much. Bounce from warm. It's too rough. I'll have the teenage girl working at the skate shop put my grip tape on for me. I do like that it's shiny, but no thank you. I wouldn't like to touch it.

Denim is my sandpaper. That's as rough grip tape on for me. I do like that it's shiny, but no thank you. I wouldn't like to touch it. Denim is my sandpaper. That's as rough as it gets for me. Yeah. Yeah, he tweaked his ankle something fierce. Press up for Sharpie, man. I hope he's okay. I think he's all right.

He didn't seem like he busted it. Long with a cane. Looks all buck, though. That's Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Bell Jordan on Instagram. A lot of theirs out there.

This is the one who doesn't understand how you get hurt doing construction. Yeah, I worked with Sharpie for a day when I was like hella broken. And Sharpie, bless his heart, he's like,

you want to come work for a day? I go, yeah, sure. And he's like, sick in his mouth, just pouring concrete. And I got like the hose wrapped around my whole body trying to hold it up.

And like, my legs are shaking and he's like talking through his cigarette like, you good? I'm like, fuck no, I'm not good, man. How do you guys do this? And they're all laughing at me and they're like, alright, just go smooth it out. This is the hardest shit. They dropped me off at noon

and I just passed out. I took a shower and I slept all the way till the next morning. It was gnarly. Did you really? Oh yeah. I think I hung out with Shane for like two hours. He was here. Shopee's a tough little bastard. I've seen some of the gnarly did you really oh yeah i think i hung out with shane for like two hours he was here shop he's a tough little bastard i've seen some of the gnarliest people like in construction jobs not to say they're like healthy no but like but like they'll like drink a tall boy at 11 a.m but still like smooth coat of a fucking 400 foot wall and like it

feather it out and everything looks perfect they're just like walking functional drums transformers are blowing up and they're just oh whoa that was kind of loud i was a plumber's assistant for one day yeah you went and pulled all the plumbing out of a halfway home uh in beaverton in beaverton oregon and we didn't stop there was no running water in it they didn't bring any water, so we were sweating. This was the middle of the summer, sweating all day.

They didn't bring any. They didn't break for lunch. Nobody drank any water. They just went out and smoked two cigarettes. That is insane. And then we left. That's the worst, because the demo stuff,

where you're just like, what do I do? I just destroy? Just destroy. You just pull your stuff out. I had a demo a tennis court once. Oh, yeah. They were just tough bastards.

I was just like, surely we should go get some water. And they were like, we certainly drink. Gentlemen, I employ you. You gentlemen must be thirsty. You must be parched at least. I was like 16, a lawyer's kid. Just soft. Do exactly what they thought you were doing

it's like peeps came in jew shape that was me like out there trying to fucking pull pipes out of this place you're just a charlatan masquerading as a as a construction worker i well my dad owned a construction company so i worked for him since i was mean, he manipulated me at like eight years old. He'd be like, yeah, scrap this job out. And that means like throw all the everything, you know. Yeah. And you should be getting paid like money to do that. For sure.

And I'd be like eight years old and he'd be like, yeah, we're going to go to like Oaks Park. And which is like, if you scrap this job out. It's an amusement park, you know. Which is like, it's like Portland's shitty version of Busch Gardens. It's the worst. The roller coaster is mouse themed. Yeah. There's like a Ferris wheel that a good enough basketball player

could slam dunk on. A traveling carnival that just stayed in one place. Yeah. One of its best rides is a roller rink, which is not really a ride. It's not a ride. It's just a floor. carnival that just stayed in one place yeah one of its best rides is a roller rink which has your it's not really a ride it's not a ride it's just a floor you just get on roller skates and swirl around yeah but yeah that i fucking that that that shit is the worst doing construction i salute those guys so much so much especially guys you do it for like years oh dude it's yeah

there's a lot of guys that's just what they do is drywall that's just what they do my friend DJ's an electrician in Sioux Falls it's like 30 below sometimes they're just out there

doing jobs just wiring buildings that don't have fucking roofs on them yet well I'm like inside

under the covers hitting my PAX pen writing vision boards. You got a do-rag though. You do have a do-rag. I'll be all right. You look stank. Wavy by winter.

It's winter. It's winter. It's wavy. It's wavy. It's winter and it's wavy. Sean Jordan, what do you got coming up, baby? You know, Faded every Friday. Thank you to everybody who's been coming.

It's been going great. Yeah, thanks so much, guys. It's been nuts. But yeah, I don't, I mean, I heard that there's some shows going on in Portland in March. One of them still has the ticket available. That was Ian. That was his voice.

I'm mic'd up by LaCroix. There's March 8th, Portland, Oregon. Copy tickets for the second Rev Hall show. We'll be opening different cans in Portland. They're going, yeah. I don't even know if it's going to be a can. It might be a bottle that I open. It might say whiskey on it instead of LaCroix.

I'm going to get to some cans. Whatever color Orbitz comes in. You know Orbitz, dude? Oh, with the shit in it. Yeah, it was that super syrupy drink and it had little globulets. Yeah, I didn't like that. It was like bubble tea. Before bubble tea.

Yeah, but like... The mouthfeel sucked. It was even... The pieces were smaller than bubble tea. Yeah, they were really small. Because bubble tea is like fun, you suck it up in the straw. Those just felt like there was something,

like backwash. Yeah, like somebody put a cigarette out in your soda, and it congealed a little bit or something. Not really. Oh, God. I just did that like two weeks ago did you really i was at a party i went to i put my beer down i went to take a piss i came back and i took a drink of my beer and it was full i'd taken one sip out of it and i go that doesn't taste right immediately in my head i go that doesn't taste right. Immediately in my head, I go, that doesn't taste right. And then I look, and there's a cigarette butt.

Fucking the whole rest of the night. I went and like brushed my, I mean, it doesn't matter. You're breathing like an ashtray. It was the gross. And people, I was like kind of driving. And somebody goes, are you sick? Are you like too fucked up? And I go, I just swallowed a cigarette.

And they were like, okay, let's go back up. Give this guy some space. Medical emergency. Everyone kind of understood. It's one of the grossest fucking things. It's disgusting.

It's almost grosser than it should be on paper. You know what I mean? Cause it's just like, it's just a wet thing, but it's not, it's so fucking gross. I smoke and it's, it's disgusting.

I had a girl pull me into a bathroom one time with a mouthful of chew in her mouth and kiss me. You were making out with girls who chew tobacco?

I didn't know. So we're at the crowbar and I'm just Yeah, I bet. Seriously, I was walking by the bathroom and a girl pulled me in. She was Mrs. Crowbar.

Yeah. Young Miss Crowbar. She was the crow. Pulled me in. The South Dakota crowbar. Brandon Lee. Got makeup everywhere. We killed some people. Is crowbar in Portland? No.

There's one in my view. There's one I'm talking about at the Sioux Falls, but she pulls me in and kissed me and I was like 21 maybe. And the second I was like, whoa, dude. And I pulled back. I go, do you have a mouth full of chew, huh? You just instantly overwhelmed your mouth. What was it? Cope straight?

It was like minty stuff. Skull? Minty? Skull? Mint skull? Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Oh my God. She's hitting the slopes. Yeah. It was at least the pouch.

We've been together ever since, you know? And that's how I met your mother. That was Brenda. Yeah, then we had sex in the bathroom. She gave you a dip. That's what they call it. Yeah. She dips me.

Stole my heart. Pistol whip, you dipped you, then flipped you. The dance to the motherfucking music we gripped you. Flip it and ride that B-E-O-O-T-Y-O-M-I. I took a drink. My brother chewed. And this was back when we all lived under the same roof. Uh-huh.

And he left a Coke can full of his spit next to the computer. Oh, my gosh. And I was playing like Ultima Online. I was in the middle of some fucking nine-hour hour binge and I picked it up and just hit it. And it was, oh, it's. That's almost the grossest thing that I could. It's so gross. Chew spit is fucking foul.

It's so gross. Yeah. It chews the worst. It's the grossest. I got to say though, every now and again, I like to chew some red, man. I've never done it. I've only done it once and it felt. I can't fuck with it. my friend Nick was talking about it

like it was a drug he goes you gotta come over and do this the first few times it is your head feels like it's floating 20 feet above your body it's insane you know if you chew some Redman and smoke some meth yeah I inject the tobacco

and it goes right to your blood just deep between the toes I inject the tobacco, and it's right to your blood. Just deep? Between the toes? Try to find a vein. You got to get it down there. Just bang it. Just liquefy that tobacco and bang it in the toe. I don't even liquefy it.

I'm just shoving it in the bum. It's getting those long strands of the blood. Look like Big League Chew hanging out. You just make a big cut and pack it like Egyptians did with maggots or something back in the days, just shoving it all in there. Your veins are just stained brown. You pack it in and then put gun powder and then light the gun like they do in movies. You know how they somehow will heal a wound

by packing it with gun powder and lighting it? Yeah, I thought that works, right? I guess it works. We're going to find out today on the podcast. I know it's an audio medium. It's not the best for it, but we are going to get to the bottom of it. We're going to hold Shane today on the podcast. I know it's an audio medium. It's not the best for it, but we are going to get to the bottom of it. We're going to hold Shane down and do it to him. Shane, come over.

It's going to be all fun. Trust us. Yeah, so check out Faded every Friday. Richard Bain on the podcast today. Hey, everybody. How's it going? At Dick Bain on Twitter. At Dick Bain.

It's Dick Bain. Is it Dick Bain on Instagram, too? It is. It's Dick Bain on Instagram. Dick Bain on Instagram. Across all platforms. Dick Bain. Is it Dick Bane on Instagram too? It is. It's Dick Bane on Instagram. Across all platforms. Dick Bane Market Cornered. I'm actually the third.

I'm the third. Are you Dick Bane the third? I am. Oh, yeah. My dad goes by Dick. I never went by Dick in my life. But I mean, of course, people would be like, hey, Dick. Because you're a dickhead.

Why wouldn't you? Yeah, I'm a dick. And we're children. And that means i'm a dick and like we're children and that's that means penis those people are like grocery stores i remember like the day in class where the teacher's like that means richard's like short for or dick short for richard and the guy's like wait what like oh you're dead you're fucking dead and i'm like ah please what kind of a teacher would just tell all the other oh dick that yeah that's short for richard well it was like we were reading some book and someone made a joke and he goes well

dick is short for richard and then the the whole class just like fucking it was fucking erupted and the joke um people would come up to me and go, hey, you got a pencil dick? And I was like, oh, God. Somebody could have done that to you yesterday and I'd have laughed at it. Genius. Yeah, my genius comedy writing fourth grade class

was like fucking. You went to fourth grade at the Harvard Lampoon. To this day, I'm like, you got a pencil dick? That's a fucking great joke. I know! To put that together in fourth grade is pretty good. I would... I'm serious. Somebody could have said that to you on Saturday, and I'd have been like,

talk to me in ten minutes when I'm done laughing. This is my sister vagina. No, no, no. Too easy. Richard, we all came up in Portland together. Well, not we all, because David was in the Denver area at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we all came up in Portland together. Came up in the P-town, Rip City. So we've said it on here before that Barack Obama, Richard was the one that did that. There's never been anything that's been stuck in my head more. I'll just do it at work. I'll be like typing. I'll just do it at work. I'll be like typing. I'll just be like Barack Obama.

It is. Yeah. It's so weird because we were having a beer the other night and you said, you go Barack Obama. I was like, I haven't done that joke in like months. Isn't that funny how that happens? Those jokes that like you forget about, but other people don't. Yeah.

You never know what sticks with other people. Oh, is that good? I love that you forget about but other people don't? Yeah, you never know what sticks with other people. Oh, is that good? I love that joke, but it's so weird. It's so funny. Every time I do, Barack Obama. It makes no sense.

Yes, it does. It's just ridiculous. I don't know if it's, I mean, it's probably both because they're so funny and then just like when coming up together was such a formative time.

Yeah. I have some of your jokes like stuck in my head forever. The spilling of beer or like, know through your penis yeah yeah i did that one just the other night oh my god it's such a fucking killer because like i'll do that one and then it'll be like silence and i'll go have you guys ever heard a joke and then like they're like it's like that'll get a laugh yeah man uh but yes what a fun time to come up in comedy wasn't it a fun time i mean looking back it's like holy shit there were monsters everywhere everyone was so funny everybody fucking it's i don't know yeah you

gotta look back and appreciate all the fucking. We were so lucky. Even like Christine Levine, who like fell off, you fell off because she, for health reasons, like moved to, you know what I mean? Like funny from like top to bottom, you know? I was thinking about her the other day. I was real excited that I moved when I did.

Just all happenstance, thanks to Adam and Tori. And I ended up in Portland and I just got, I was lucky enough to be part of this real cool thing. But you were part of it too. I know, it the two you moved yeah dude i totally feel right place right time portland was this thing that was like but right when i got there it wasn't that it was this like well it's kind of desolate bullshit fucking musty running everything it's fine but yeah we were on the cusp of something that was huge and like uh me and andy wood going down to going up to seattle and no no no no um me and him going up to seeing laugh hole and their alternative scene and going you know what

you could just do your own shows and like fucking produce and andy wood's such a like genius yeah just how about we do a festival i'm like okay you're fucking that's pretty ambitious yeah you have a credit card that's cool yeah go crip walk it all the way down to the bank dude to cornell sure buddy it was an awesome time and place to watch comedy and that's amazing at the end of the festival too you see some of those first pictures from the first bridgetown oh my god you guys did the first one i didn't do the first one richard i did the first one yeah we did the first one. We did the second one. We started on the second one.

I did improv on the second one, and then I did stand-up on the third one. You did improv on the second one? Yeah. What was your improv troupe called? We just came from the Brody Theater, which is RIP now. Yeah. But where they were like, do you want to come? Yeah.

It closed. It closed this spring. Because I read that guy's like, oh, they're lying. Really? I don't know. I don't know. It closed for real. I don't know. It closed for real. I don't know what.

I didn't look in there. I loved the Brody. I always had fun there. I loved it too. Our most formative year is because it was before Helium. That was where I really became friends with everybody, was at the Brody. Because Tom would let us go up.

Nobody else. I mean, it was that or the Boiler Room. Tom would be like, yeah, do shows. You started doing fly ass jokes? Yeah, I remember Richard was on one of the first shows I ever did. I remember I went up and did five minutes in between every comedian. Yeah. I had no idea.

I remember the day. I had no idea you weren't supposed to. So I was just like, all right, cool. Give it up for Gabe Digger. All right, so here's five minutes I've never done in front of people before. I remember that day. It was daylight. It was raining out.

And I was talking to Richard in the back because I was all soaked because I walked from home and got caught in the rain. Was Mike Drucker on that show? He probably was. I feel like he was because I brought a drink on stage, and he laughed at me. And he goes, I go, what are you laughing at? And he goes, you brought a drink on stage

for a three-minute set. I have a disease, Mike. And I was like, I know. I have a disease, Mike. And I was like, I know, I'm a drunk. I need it. I'm going to drink it during my three minute set.

It's going to be tight. Fuck, it was a crazy time to come up though, man. I was stoked. A lot of us are here now, which is cool. Fuck you. What else is going on?

What can people see what you're getting into these days? Oh, you know. Here and there around LA? You know me. I'm here. I'm bobbing and weaving. No, I don't know. I've been writing a bunch.

That's great. Yeah. Writing a bunch. That's what people say at this point. Me and Alan Strickland-Williams wrote a really funny pilot. Oh, that's fantastic. We don't know. Of course you did, because you're both hilarious.

It's basically like, here's the pitch. If Tommy Boy meets Scarface. Of course that's the pitch. If Tommy Boy meets Scarface. Of course that's the pitch. I was going to say. I'm in. All right, I'm interested. So it's about a fat cokehead. Yeah.

Well, he's not, he's not, well, is Tony Montana cokehead in the beginning of Scarface? I wouldn't say so. I don't know. I would say he's a businessman. He's a man who's open to the world. By the end of the movie, does he evolve into a cokehead in the beginning of Scarface? I wouldn't say so. I don't know. I would say he's a businessman.

He's a man who's open to the world. By the end of the movie, does he evolve into a cokehead? Full on. Full on. Dipping your nose in the mountain. Right about when he bought that tiger was when you got to say. I feel like if you buy a tiger, you got to sit down and be like, am I a cokehead? Yeah, wait a minute.

That's for anyone who ever buys a tiger. Or am I a zoo? It's a two prong decision tree. There's no gray area. Do I play for the dolphins? Am I a zoo? You gotta snort all the coke off that mirror and take a long hard look at it. Realize if you're a coke

head or not. And you are. No, it's hard. No, but seriously. Seriously, I need a lion. I need a lion to do coke off of. I'm lying. Well, that sounds fucking great. No, but seriously. It's about seriously. I need a line. I need a line to do coke off of. I'm lying. Well, that sounds fucking great. David, fuck with Richard Bain.

He's the fucking greatest. We never lied to you. No. David Borey? Yes, sir. Coolguyjokes77 on Instagram. 100%. The G is silent on Twitter.

That's what it is. The G is recording his Comedy Central half hour in New Orleans. Yeah. Tickets available now. Yeah, on the blacklist NYC. On the black market. Yeah. N-O-L-A.

I'll come off a couple of those tickets for links. Hey, I'm going to be there. I'm going. Are you going? Hell yeah. I'm going too. What? Hell yeah.

Everybody's going. This is crazy because I'm talking to mad people and they're like, we're all just. We're going for Allen's. It's for everybody. Exactly. It's just one of those things. It's like pop style. There's a lot of people going.

I'll probably fucking go then. Well, pink shirt, why don't you do it? Keep talking about it. We're going to talk about it. Keep talking about it. You want a pink shirt? You didn't say anything. You didn't tell a lie.

I heard the fucking tone. I'm lying. I'm dying. Take the bass out your voice. Check your tone. Help me with the sound. Keep my name out your mouth. I'm taking this bass to the grave, so you got lying. I'm dying. Take the bass out your voice. Check your tone. Help me with the sound. Keep my name out your mouth. I'm taking this bass to the grave, so you got to do something about it.

Bass. You know what I mean? Easy to talk all the way over there, Playboy. Keep bumping those guns. Hey, I'll talk right next to you, buddy. I got no issues. Keep bumping those fucking gums, nephew. Whoa.

See what time it is. I do like that this- Feel froggy than leap. You know what I mean? I do like that there's just a bong on the table. We've cleared off everything else. Cleared off all the other weed-related paraphernalia. I do like that there's just a bong on the table. We've cleared off everything else. Cleared off all the other weed-related paraphernalia. I was wondering about that.

There's a bong. It looks so much weirder with just a naked bong. Yeah, it looks like we're saying something. Like we're just going to pick it up and start fighting with it. And it's that big one that Zach bought because he got... So this is such a hilarious thing to me. Like Zach puts the bong in the freezer because it makes it tighter. I don't know

how that works, but he just got stoned and forgot it was in the freezer. Just so funny to me. And then it cracked. You put the bong in the freezer... I've done that with beers a hundred times. Oh, yeah. Bong is a new story. It's just funny. You get stoned. Oh, I'm going to put the bong in the freezer and get more stoned later. And then you're too stoned to remember

to take it out of the it out I don't even think I don't even think it could crack I put ice right in there he does he's actually got all kinds of tricks with that

he's a fort yeah it's so good I love having the ice in there yeah it is so the tickets are on the blacklist NYC yes

where else can people cop them is that where they can cop them yeah so go to all my Twitter and my Instagram and my Facebook February 2nd February 2nd I'm recording at 7 o'clock

couple more tickets left in Austin still or no? no Austin I think there might be walk up if you come that being said yeah I'm going to be at Austin this weekend because this comes out on Thursday right? yeah so Friday and Saturday I'm going to be at the Velveeta Room

it's like we've been doing for a year and a half I didn't know if we were backlogged. I don't know what's going on. Everybody's out of town. Also, I want to say thanks to everybody who came to Santa Cruz this weekend. So much fun. Shout out to Muddykins and the whole gang. I really appreciate it.

It was so much fun. Yeah, fuck with me in Austin. Fuck with me in New Orleans. Without a doubt. I might have an Ohio date coming up. Just fuck with me. I appreciate it. Yeah, just fuck with me in New Orleans. Without a doubt. I might have an Ohio date coming up. Just fuck with me. I appreciate it. Yeah, just fuck with me.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Who are you, dude? Ian Carmel. Yeah, what are you about? Ian Carmel on Twitter. Yeah, what are you about? Ian Carmel on Instagram.

What about like, what about a Jaquan date? Ian Carmel on Jewish Spotify. I'm on all that shit. What else I got coming up? I don't know. I'm in and around shit. What else I got coming up? I don't know. I'm in and around LA. Come see Good Looks the first and third Wednesday

of who do we just have on? We had some pretty big fucking deals on but I haven't been in a month so I don't know. I know Sugar Shane's doing it. This comes out the day after. Oh yeah, Sugar Shane.

Yeah, he did it last night. Andrew Michon will be there for sure and I'll try. Work is rigorous. Listen to all fantasy everything. Oh, still tickets available for the first show. We're doing four shows in Portland, two at Revolution Hall, two at the Doug Furr. Everything sold out except for the early stand-up show, which there are still some tickets available for.

Cop some tickets for that. Now that I'm thinking about it, somebody hit me up on Instagram. They have two tickets to one of the podcasts that are available. Oh, they're available. I don't know. We'll figure out.

I'm going to work with them and figure out. Those are going to go like hotcakes. What's their Instagram name? We should work out a little contest thing. Okay.

Something fun, but I don't know. I don't even know why I brought it up because I say what I'm thinking, I guess. All right. We'll just know

that there's tickets up there. Potentially, there's two floating around. All your cards up. They should sell them or something. I don't know. But that's tight. What are they? Did we just lose them as fans? And they're like, we're giving these up.

Yeah, they're like, hey, man, we bought these and you guys blow. We don't fuck with you anymore. Sean's got that pink shirt on. Suck. Walking out. Getting out of here. Jogger. White socks. It's funny you get to say anything on anyone's outfit in that tone. Walking out, getting out of here. Jogger, white socks. It's funny you get to say anything on anyone's outfit in that tone and you feel embarrassed.

Fucking hoodie. Oh yeah. Glasses on. With a thin corduroy. I do have all that. I got joggers, I got a tight cross, I got a pink shirt.

You brush your teeth today? Is that what's up, Playboy? I did brush my teeth. Yeah, I did brush my teeth today. No, I can tell.

There's a 24-hour dentist around here, dude. I'll hook you up real quick. I can smell it on you. That's what they call tell. There's a 24-hour dentist around here, dude. I'll hook you up real quick. I can smell it on you. That's what they call me, dude, the 24-hour dentist. That's what they call you on Jewish Spotify, dude. 24-hour dentist.

Because this is not a drill. Because I'm pulling out hits. Because this is not a drill, he says. So, yeah. yeah I mean I think that's all I really have to promote come to go see Faded

every Friday night fucking come to Good Looks and if you're Treefort Pitchfork oh god damn yeah hold up

Treefort March 20 I want to say March 23rd and 24th Treefort Comedy Treefort Music Comedy Festival yes you'll be there

doing a live AFE, right? I'll be there. The live AFE will be either that Saturday or that Sunday. Those are the days I can definitely be there. Yeah. But we'll probably be there trying to get that fight late Friday night, just bopping around, doing stand-up.

I highly imagine I'll be done working at my job by then. So I'll be there. I hope so. The Boise back in town. That's in Boise, Idaho. The Boise back in town, yeah. They got an arcade. Boise's fun, man. I'm excited. Boise's going to be Yeah. They got an arcade. Boise's fun, man.

I'm excited. And Vince Staples is going to be there so I'll probably be kicking it with him the whole time. It's going to be us and Vince Staples.

Vince Staples is going to be on AFV. We're co-headlining the festival. With Vince Staples. If you guys listen to Vince Staples' podcast he's talking about us

quite a bit too. Yeah, it's sort of a it's a love letter situation. Like a give and take thing. He keeps saying like What side of Sioux Falls are you from? I believe it's North.

North. North, North, dude. Yeah. I'm from North, North Cliff, right up next to Dogpatch and Whiskey Flats, just right in the Bermuda Triangle of Buckness. I'm from Northside Beaverton too, so it's just crazy all the coincidences right now. I'm more of a rascal flats guy. SFPD ain't shit, you know what I mean?

I bet you can have a rascal flats song. I was a kid that used to Call me a flat rascal What hurts the most There it is They did a cover of Life is a Highway That's pretty good actually What's the one with

The jets in the video I don't know I know what hurts the most What hurts the most David you're thinking Of Top Gun There are jets all the way There's one thing You know about me It's that I'm a jet all the way You're a jet all the way Yeah I'm a shark top gun. They're jets all the way. There's one thing you know about me.

It's that I'm a jet all the way. You're a jet all the way, yeah. I'm a shark, but we make it work. We're gathering here in the Fortress of Solitude not just to chop it up about West Side Story, even though, you know, what will we draft in America? I just met a girl named Maria.

Man, I tell you, you got a beautiful sighing voice. I was trying. Hey. Did it sound okay, Richard? Right? I used, yeah. When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last day. Now, this is a surprise.

Why do you snap like that? I didn't know. Don't they do it like that? Wait, snap the way you were snapping. He calls it a three-finger pilot. My friend Cody does. I do it with my pointer first. In my middle and the back.

Also, everybody listening. That's a dumb way to snap. You can act like you knew this. You can act like you knew it all you want. When you snap, it's your finger hitting your palm that makes the sound. Not your fingers snapping. I knew that. But I like the British kids when they snap.

Oh, yo, respect. Bro. Ali G's. Yo, bro. Bro. Yo, we was watching Sunderland the other day on the telly. It was mental, bro. I skipped university, got my new trainers, bro. Went down with some chavs. That's some points,

bro. There's no one more patient than our British listeners. Yeah. Perhaps our Australian listeners. That's literally it. Sitting over a plate of bangers and mash, just grinding their teeth. Just like these fucking bruvs. These pieces of shit. Grinding their teeth?

What teeth? I'm kidding. That was too gnarly for a British joke. I like when British people do white people. Oh, Jesus. I also like that. They do American accents and they're like, can I have a glass of water? That's what they do!

Hey there! They turn into like a weird... That's how Richard Linklater talks. I was with a British listener the other day. Shout out to Zach. What up, Zach? The Vermont Public House. He was just talking about

how weird our slang is. I'm like, that's pretty, we got a, all right. That's the slang that we have on this podcast or in this country? No, like how we are impersonation of a British person. Yeah, it's obviously bad. Spot on, bro. Did you think it was good?

No. No. Just like I don't really think Chris Paul's butt ugly, by the way. Somebody came at me and they're like, that was kind of hateful. I'm like, listen, if I personally am not attracted to Chris Paul, he's beautiful. I don't believe you right now. He's a beautiful man. They thought you were calling them butt ugly, not Chris Paul.

That's what they thought was hateful. Oh, well, no, I wasn't. I wouldn't do. If I really thought Chris Paul was butt ugly, I wouldn't say that. He's not. You do. This dude right over my butt since junior high school, his name was Jamie?

Butt ugly. Butt ugly. Yeah, man, I've known some butt ugly dudes. There's some butt ugly dudes out there. There was this dude named Tosh back in like fourth grade, third grade. That dude was ugly. Oh, dude, Punk Rock Sasha's face wasn't the most attractive

dude you've ever seen, I'll tell you that. There was this kid on my wrestling team named Ludovic, which was ridiculous, and he was ugly as hell. I mean, everyone has a booger boy. My mom's nickname for me is Booger Boy and Shmooey Pants. Those are the two nicknames that she calls me. Oh, damn. You did not want to be a booger boy at our school.

Nobody's booger boy? You're the booger boy. I'm a booger boy. Barbara still calls me Booger Boy whenever I see her. Or Shmooey Pants. Shmooey. We're gathered here to draft Death Row Meals. Yeah. Booger boy. Barbara still calls me booger boy. Or schmooey pants. Schmooey. We're gathering here to draft Death Row Meals.

Yeah. This is an All Fantasy Everything Patreon pick. This is what you guys picked, you morbid, morbid bloody fuckers. Oh, nice. It's getting better. Yeah. At the end of the worst. Do Jamaican.

Yeah. Give us trouble. No. Now, if you told me to do my RZA impersonation After a couple cups I'd do it You would do RZA right now Do RZA right now Yo we're gonna draft Oh my god

Hold on RZA's like this We're gonna draft Death Row Mills Right now we're gonna draft Death Row Mills I think you're just yelling. I wasn't yelling. It's almost like he's fading out as he talks. He's like, we're going to look at love.

That's so much better. That's a better Bobby Digital. Well, nobody listening knows that was me. Yeah, you know who is he? Yeah. See, I am good at it. That's me doing it. I'm pretty good at it.

That's not Richard. That was delicious. That was actually RZA. That's who that was. One by one good at it. That's not Richard. That was delicious. That was actually RZA, who that was. One by one, we are drafting our death row meals. And the way we do that, we determine the order of the draft. It's through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors.

I'm shooting up today. Play between the three of you. It's good you're shooting up because we are doing death row meals. We throw and shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Sean Jordan wins. You both have rocks, but he, scissors, shoot! Oh, Sean Jordan wins! You both have rocks, but he has scissors, so he's

got the unique one. So thus he is the victor. Sean Jordan, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of the draft. Before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. What does that mean? It's a great question. A serpentine draft, it's sort of like if you were listening to

Alice in Chains for a long time at work today, and then you started listening to Stone Temple Pilots. About a half hour after you were listening to Alice in Chains, you're like, man, I want to listen to Alice in Chains some more, maybe even some of the same songs. But then you're like, I should probably listen to Plush one more time. So you listen to Plush one more time, which is a Stone Temple Pilots song. Then you go back to Alice in Chains. You just kind of listen to them for a while. And you're like, man, I was really feeling good about Stone Temple Pilots.

That was fun. Took me back to a certain little place in middle school. But before I listen to them again, I want to listen to Rooster one more time. So I get in a weird headspace at work talking about a sniper. And then you go listen to Stone Temple Pilots again. You just kind of go back and forth doing that. Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round.

I don't know what the fuck you were talking about. That's what they listened to right before they did Columbine. You know that, right? No. Really? Just kidding. Jesus. Sean went full stepdad, though.

Oh my goodness. I don't know their playlist. Fuck off. Huh? Fuck off. Fuck off making me feel like that. They had come to snuff the rooster. Oh.

Too soon. Lance Daly. Lance Daly did Columbine. That's something I believe. I don't believe in the flu. Two theories. We've heard. I got my conspiracy theories on iPhones.

I'm not. I don't believe in the flu. I think Zeit, I got my conspiracy theories on iPhones. I don't believe in the flu. I think Zeitgeist 3 is going to change the world. Loose change! Loose change! Beluga whales and Svalch people. Man, you know how bummed I am that Donald Trump went ahead and got all this fast food right after I picked it? Man, here's the thing about this guy. He's so likable. Fucking bonehead. I know. Say your tweet. I the thing about this guy is he's so likable

fucking bonehead i know say your tweet i mean i know it's a tweet it's such a good tweet he's if he wasn't he's like there's two hymns because he was standing there there's all this fast food everywhere and he's clearly so thrilled he's like so excited so happy and he's just like you know uh he's just looming over it like, this is cool, huh? You know, we got this amazing spread here. There's all sorts of fries. You know, we got burgers. I'm excited to see how much is left, you know, when they leave.

He keeps saying that. He's like, I think not much. And he keeps walking out. He goes, take one, boys. Seriously, go take one. Go take a sandwich, boys. Oh, my God. Give one to your kid. And then behind the scenes, he's a fucking monster or whatever but then like anytime he's out in public when he's driving that you know when he's behind the fire truck and he's just like you know what i mean it's like this fucking guy i swear to

god i wish he was like the king of america yeah like everybody's got something for a mother to love it's such a good point like no power yeah still do all that like you don't get to make any decisions do all this ridiculous shit yeah buy a football team 300 from wendy's dude oh my god what a fucking move the government is shut down yeah you don't like what a jamoke we have to feed you know on the show you know 80 person crews all the time and they just get catering there's salads and all that stuff but trump is just like you know what we should do and i guarantee you somebody had to go get that there were intern workers at mcdonald's like how what's the most amount of big macs i can get yeah you can't say it's from trump not at the not at the not in dc no not at the wendy's i mean oh hell

no we're all pretty good at mc. Yeah. It doesn't last long. That's the other thing, either. Yeah, that's exactly it. All I can imagine is them getting in there. The food's been sitting there. Even if it's been, like, 20 minutes, it's like, if I came home and someone was like, your McDonald's been sitting on the table for 20 minutes, I'd be like, fuck, like, great. This is going to taste disgusting.

You have to eat it. There's, like, a real quick span of eating. Such a small window. Yeah, that's why I There's like a real quick span of eating. Such a small window. Yeah, that's why I don't like Uber Eats-ing. Yeah, you never know. McDonald's because it's too long. Yeah.

You never know when they're going to bring it to you. Just a cold pile of Filet-O-Fish. It doesn't stop it from happening. Fries when they're 10 minutes old? Man. Well, this butt-ugly lunatic will put a Taco Bell in the fridge for the next day oh yeah

you at least reheat it right sometimes I don't you don't need to it's like space food medically you don't need to it's as cooked as it's gonna get the microwave ain't like oh it's healthy now that you put it in the microwave

you don't cook it to make it healthier? Listen, I'm in an altered state sometimes. Sometimes the other night I got six tacos from Del Taco and three Chipotle chicken rogers. All of them were gone.

All of them were gone. I didn't know I could get that much in me. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Better up. What will the order of today's draft be? The order is going to be All of them were gone. I didn't know I could get that much in me. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Pigs eat bones. Better up. Yeah. What will the order of today's draft be, Sean Jordan? The order is going to be David, Richard, me, Ian. David, Richard, Sean, Ian. Cool.

Cool. Hot corner. Yeah. I built myself a fucking crib on that hot corner. I like that you like it. I love it. It's scary for me. We are sitting in that.

It's the perfect order. I try not to go in the diagonal. It messes people. I don't like doing that. I like to keep it a horseshoe. Now, we are here drafting our death row meals, the last meal we would ever eat, knowing we are going to a certain death.

Yeah. David, you have the first pick, and we will get to it right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35,

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but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash all fantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash all fantasy spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. And we're back. David Borey, you are on the clock your first uh item of food you're putting on your death row meal so first of all i want to say because you guys are all going to be dickheads about it oh they're going to be dicks to me too yeah keep in mind i've been on death row for what probably 15 years at this point i have no standard of food okay i've been eating horse shit in commissary for 10 years. It's all good for me.

So fuck you when you come at me with your duck confit is better. Actually, I don't give a shit. Have you had duck confit before all these wild attacks happen? No, no, no. This is just me. You would love it. Oh, no, no. You've had duck confit.

I believe that. But what I'm saying is if i've been eating commissary and jail food for 15 years there's no it's all my my taste it's all gravy to me it's all good so and because of that my list is going to be foods that trigger emotional releases from different times in my life real quick rich, you ever had a prison burrito? You know how to make a prison burrito? Have you ever had a prison burrito?

He's making a pass at you. Are you talking about sweet? Trying to hit on Richard over here. You're spitting on my game. I think you mean a prison tamale. Why don't you stop stirring my Kool-Aid

and let me talk to my girl over here, Richard. Are you talking about sweet or savory? Sweet with the pickle juice. That's actually how Sean got Laura. That same line. Laura, you ever had a prison burrito?

I put a cig out of my arm right in front of her. Sweet with the pickle juice. My crib walked down to the roof. That's what you should have called your album. Sweet with the pickle juice. Sweet with the pickle juice. My man Sean is sweet with the pickle juice. Damn, dude.

I was going to call it chocolate starfish in the hot dog flavored water, but now I can't. That's your R&B album, dude. Shondre Jordan. Sweet with the pickle juice. Damn, dude. I was going to call it chocolate starfish in the hot dog flavored water, but now I can't. That's your R&B album, dude. Shondre Jordan, sweet with the pickle juice. You know who's on there a lot. That's a hit. That's a number one hit.

Like, I'm going to say the next time I see a guy who I think gets laid a lot, I'm going to be like, my man is sweet with the pickle juice. Like, oh, man, Ian's been in the gym

30 days a week, month, just like hitting it. He looks good. I bet he's sweet with the pickle juice right now. Aloysius de Montempeco is always sweet with the pickle juice. Of course. Tony Impact? Yeah. Sweet with the pickle juice.

Can we let's start it? All family. I'm not saying David's like a fucking whore. He's still judicious, but I'll say this. What are you going to say? He's sweet with the pickle juice. Yeah, he is.

Why do you think those waves got there? Sweet with the pickle juice, dude. Why do you think the waves got there? All right. Why do you think the waves got there? All right. So my first pick is four crisp meat burritos from Taco Time. Whoa.

Because when I was a little kid in Tacoma, Washington, we used to live right down the street from the DMV in that Taco Time over by Sprinkler Rink. And those crisp burritos, I used to love them so much. Now, crisp burrito, is that like a deep fried burrito kind of? Yeah, it's like the deep fried, and they're like thinner. They're not as like thick as regular burritos. Picture a taquito, like one you might get from Hollywood. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's basically a taquito. Let me walk the baseline a little bit. Picture a taquito, if you will. Picture a taquito, you're there. But a bigger taquito. And Taco Time, for those of you who don't know, because it's not everywhere. It's like Taco John's if you're in the Midwest. I think it's only in Oregon and Washington.

Yeah, it's in Idaho, too. Oh, okay, okay. It's good, is what it is. It's fucking delicious. Where would we put it? It's better than Taco Bell? I'd say so. It's more expensive.

It's like a Del Taco kind of area. Do they have burgers, too, at Taco Time? I think they do. Yeah, they probably have fries, too. No, they have Mexi fries. They're like tater tots. Yeah, yeah. I would put it more like a Del Taco vein.

I love Taco Time. Winn-Dixie is the name of the grocery store. Sorry. Winn-Dixie. Winn-Dixie. But yeah, so Taco Time, I had it when I moved to Oregon, a lot like Taco John's. I know I've said that a couple times, but if you're in the Midwest, that's what it is. Yeah, because if they have potato olés,

Taco Time has Mexi-Fresh. The beef doesn't look as gnarly as Taco Bell's. Taco Bell's beef looks like crazy bad. Looks like a problem. Yeah. It is an issue. Their beef looks like beef. That'd be an issue many times. Taco Time usually goes through a little better, you know?

Old, wet dog. To be honest, should we take him home? I gotta eat it. My last meal, I don't give a fuck how it goes through. I hope I shit my pants on the goddamn electric chair.

You motherfuckers. I'm innocent. I hope it bubbles over like a grade school volcano science project. I hope they do me like Green Mile and forget to dip the sponge in the water and then I'm just rotten

and they have to smell me for the rest of the fucking time they kill people in that room to remember that your king went down here a lot of it's gonna be four crispy burritos I like the term

crispy burrito you only eat crips bean burritos crips beef burritos? Yeah, dude. I'm from Cakersfield, California. Did you say Cakersfield? Cermingham a la cama, bro.

Cakersfield is like the least tough place. It's the funniest thing to call it. Nah, fool, you're from Cakersfield. I guarantee there's a C're from Cakersfield. I guarantee there's a crib in Bakersfield. Cakersfield? Just a bunch of tough guys calling it Cakersfield? That sounds delightful. Cakersfield?

That's where I'm gonna retire. Fuck yeah. That city's 80% fondant. I've been sweet with the pickle juice in LA for too long. Time to meet up to Cakersfield. If you get money, if you cake up. Talking me head up to Caker's Field. Going up to Caker's Field. You know what I mean?

If you get money. Get a wife. If you cake up. That's called moving to Caker's Field, man. You're going to get back into the silver game, right? Maybe start some bouillon farms, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Caker's Field, California.

Bouillon Farms. That's the guy who says Caker's Field. Hello, my name. Bouillon Farms. How y'all doing? Yeah, but I rushed for 200 the other night. That's my Alabama. Oh, yeah. Bouillon Farms. How y'all doing? Yeah, but I rushed for 200 the other night. That's my Alabama. Oh, yeah, Boolean Farms.

Yeah, dude. I mean, Alabama lost, but Boolean Farms still won for 210 and two touchdowns. Boolean. That's a name for a kid, man. That's a fucking Boolean. Four Crisp. What is the emotional resonance of Four Crisp meat burritos? I guess you said it's from.

It's just when we lived over by Sprinker, that's just like a very specific time. Yeah. Me and my mom shared a one-bedroom. My mom learned to drive in that apartment. Oh, yeah. At that DMV, I learned to roller skate or to ride a bike there.

It's just like a very... It would remind me of being a little kid. What is Sprinker? I don't know. It's an ice rink. The Tacoma Thunderbirds used to play there. They have also a series of bike trails back there. Nice.

Those burritos are delicious, too. They're so good. I've been honest since you said it. I'm like, can I get a crispy burrito anywhere around here? And you can't. You can't get them at Taco Bell. Well, I mean, it's Los Angeles. You can get them somewhere.

I don't have a car. What about Jack in the Box burritos? Oh, the tacos are. Do they make burritos? But their tacos are kind of like that same idea, I guess. I could walk to that motherfucker. That's some fucked up meat. That's fucked up meat.

Jack in the Box is the most fucked up. That's why they can sell it two for 99 cents. Whenever they put in that taco, those tacos are wet all the time. Those tacos have a piece of sliced Kraft cheese in them. That's awesome. I know it is. The grease always bleeds through that little sleeve. I actually looked this up recently.

Yeah, you did. The meat inside. It's beans and meat, and they blend it together to make a paste. And they deep fry it like empanadas. That sounds fine to me because if i'm eating them separate fuck it put them in a blender i don't care it's delicious to me i wanted to do this i get them every time i get those like an egg rolls i get crazy shit i get

everything but a regular burger yeah i don't like their burgers much i'm with you yeah they're late night uh munchie menu munchie meal is wild. Jesus Christ. They're like playing. They just know I'm a fucking stoner that wants to like put shit together. Yep. And like one time me and Gabe Dinger were having Jack in the Box after a show. And I put a taco on a chicken sandwich. And he looked at me.

And then like a packet of ranch. Yeah. And he looked at me, and then like a packet of ranch. And he looked at me like, what are you? I think that was good, though, that texture. Oh, no, it was for sure good. Oh, yeah, it was good. That taco texture? It's not going to help you get to sleep, but yeah, it's good. It's going to help you wake up.

You might not have any trouble getting to sleep. You might have trouble waking up. You don't want those ranch taco burger nightmares. Damn. Those ranch burps. I had a dream I killed two dogs last night. It was me and Booly on Farms, dude. We were hucking rocks and dogs like Bo Jackson.

Me and Booly on Farms. Because you know, Bull Yard Farms is just a boy with the strength of three men. He's a farmhand. Big time. He's like the lawnmower man. He's like 16.

All these grown women are after him. Marguerite's farm strong little baby. Hey, Bull Yard, why don't you go mow the lawn with no shirt on? Some of that. He does it by ripping the grass out. Two five-figure rings.

One says gold, one says bullion. It goes like six feet out on the side. Bullion farms, dude. Four crispy burritos from Taco Time. Beautiful pick. There it is. Richard Bain, time for your first pick. Oh, boy.

I was thinking about i actually like looked up some serial killers last meal oh yeah they had and just to like get a frame of reference because like ultimately i would want a vegas style buffet yeah it's just like anything and everything and i can just be a slob and i just keep eating and throwing up on myself yeah yeah and they're like you're done eating and i'm like no i'm not done and i'm just like just throwing up and they're like this is just sad and like this execution is real sad you really bummed out this execution i just love that you're like a wood chipper just vomiting everywhere i'm not done yet yeah i'm like a simpsons episode the one where he goes i'm but that's it's fantasy so like that but to be true like if you had to just pick one that's where it gets really hard yeah it's like one you only have one thing but i want my one thing is

kind of like two but one i would want you know we're doing five picks right oh okay we're doing five five totally yeah but this kind of counts as as one but it's yeah as as one but it's a soup and sandwich together yeah yeah you can't like i have to have both of them together. You can do it together. I can't. Yeah. What soup and sandwich? Grilled cheese and tomato bisque. Oh, fuck. It's so good. And I'm saying three different types of cheese. Oh, you want high end.

I want in tomato bisque, like with the sun-dried tomatoes in the soup. And I'm just- And a lot of it. A lot. Not a cup. A fucking bowl. Not a cup. Like fucking bowl. Not a cup. Like a senior prom punch bowl.

I've wet burped tomato bisque before, for sure. I do. And I want like big, big, bready... Oh, yeah. Chivada, even. You can get crazy. This is your sandwich, dude. This is my last sandwich, and it's going to get cheesy.

That pull apart? Pull apart, fresh, hot. What cheeses? Munster, American, and maybe Jack, just to kick it up. It's gooey. It's a little gooey, too. I'd put Pepper Jack in there, for sure. Yeah?

Yeah. Could you get crazy Put like some That's interesting because it's your pick Bullion Pepper Jack Bullion Pepper Jack Two dudes from the same town First name Bullion No relation

I'm gonna direct the documentary A Tale of Two Bullions What if I told you Two Bullions, one town. Such a good fucking pick. Grilled cheese in tomato soup is one of the true joys. It's classic. Bread, cheese, and then that tomato acid.

Also, I'm trash, too. It's not like a fancy, of course I'm going to. They're like, really? You don't want anything in your soup and sandwich? For a second thought that any of us weren't. Nobody in here... Maybe Ian is gonna have some...

Yeah, but I'm still like the trash outside of an upper middle class house. It's still trash. It's just from... Soup and sandwich. Yeah, it's classic. It's just like... No, I'm with you. I still make it. It's one of my favorite things because I can make it and it's not hard and it's easy. I's just like... No, I'm with you. I still make it. It's one of my favorite things. Because I can make it, and it's not hard, and it's easy.

I know, you feel like you did something. It's so delightful. I microwaved soup and made a grilled cheese. The day I found out you didn't have to cook soup on the stove, you could just put it on the microwave, and it's the same shit. I'm like, well, this will save me minutes, Richard. I'll tell you what. I'm putting that together right now.

It heats up so quick on the stovetop. Yeah. I think it does taste better on the stovetop. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it needs... Was the time that big of a deal? I mean, I have not gone back. Really? I microwave it every time now.

Okay, let me ask you this. If we're talking like Campbell's soup, always go to the microwave. Have you ever sprinkled cheese on top of your soup and then put it in the microwave? I've done a lot of shit to my soup. I've done Parmesan cheese on there. Hot sauce goes in there almost every time. I'll put some hot sauce in there just to kick it up.

Give it a... I get weird, man. Weird and trashy. I like a lot of flavor going on. This dude would put anything in a tortilla. I've seen it. I've seen him put so many different things in tortillas. Twin Desert Eagles.

Pine Cone. Then I put them both in my mouth. Other sandwiches. Road Flares. We were sitting on the couch one time, Ian's like, man, you eat a lot of tortillas. You do. I do eat a lot of tortillas.

Everything you eat goes in a tortilla. They're a real good way to like, I'll get wings and then I'll put like three wings in there. Like, like clips. They're like bullets in a clip, you know? That sounds delicious. There you got a wrap. Absolutely. But you get boneless wings.

Boneless wings. You have to make that distinction. Otherwise it sounds crazy. Any one of the things you do with tortillas on their own would not raise an eyebrow at all. But when you see this pattern of everything going in a tortilla, yeah, you start to ask questions. A tortilla killed my dad. I've been trying to get over my fear ever since. You're just like, damn, is he putting soup in a tortilla?

He checked the banana tortilla out, dude. He just makes the tortilla into a funnel and then pours the tomato soup down. I just put a piece of cheese on a tortilla last night and ate it like a savage in the kitchen. I was like, I'm starving. And it's like 1.30. Nothing was open. Cheese in a tortilla, man. Hey, been there.

It'll get you there, dude. It's such a good cold weather food, grilled cheese and tomato bits. Like today. Very good. Rainy. It was such a rainy day in L.A. today. I didn't want to. Today was the most I've, in L.A., that I didn't want to go to work ever.

Oh, when I woke up. I woke up and I was like, man, you get the pitter patter of the rain. It was still dark and I was stoked. And I looked at my phone and it was like seven. I'm like, fuck. Yeah. You just want to curl up and cuddle in your warmth. God.

Yep. I had the wool blanket on the bed, too. Oh, damn. You're in cold weather mode. Oh, my God. Dude, I was passed out, cashed out with my ass out last night. I damn near slept naked. I did some NyQuil, as it were.

Whoa. You did a line? Yeah. Started off a liquid line of NyQuil. Watched that first episode of True Detective. Ah, Mahershala. Man, he's so good. The Yiddishest name. I'm the least Yiddish dude.

He's Mahershala. Shalom, Mahershala. No, it just sounds like it if it's me saying it. Oh, I thought... It does sound like it if it's you saying it. I thought you were going to kick us the whole detailed history of Mahershala. No, I got nothing. It just sounds

Yiddish to me. Mahershala. Hey, Mah got nothing. It just sounds Yiddish to me. No, Mahershala. Hey, Mahershala, get cock enough and yam booby. Sean, it's time for your first pick. I'm doing a big, huge, fat chicken fried steak with white gravy on it. Oh, damn, dude. I have that on my list too.

Hell yeah. Nice. Just a big fat. This is going to be the focal point. And it was between two things. I'm not going to say the other one for fear of... And fuck it, I might pick it later. Who knows? I'm going to be the focal point. And it was between two things. I'm not going to say the other one for fear of... And fuck it, I might pick it later. Who knows?

I'm going to have two main meals. I'm dying. Yeah, of course. I'm saying, I feel like Richard's going to pick five main meals. You strangled eight men in Reno. No, I'm in here for Grand Theft Auto. The most cars anyone's ever stolen. They put me on death row.

I played the game too hard. A cop saw you playing the game and he was like, just in case, we got to put this guy away. You played the game too hard. A cop saw you playing the game and he was like, just in case, we gotta put this guy away. You gotta go, man. You can't be around anymore. Chicken fried steak,

white gravy. Huge, like, big, Texas-sized chicken fried steak. Sugar Shane Torres-sized. Yeah.

I mean, you can't even tell what it is. It looks like a pile of gravy, actually, until I get that knife out. And you're like, why is he cutting through gravy? And then you see there's a giant chicken fried steak. Yeah.

Do you put any fixings on top? Are you a salt, pepper, hot sauce? Pepper and hot sauce. Yeah. And, you know, honestly. Can I ask you guys, everybody, a question? If it's not fresh ground, what's the point of black pepper? It's still got that little kick to it.

I can't taste it if it's not fresh ground. I get the poor thing. Not that I'm poor. You dump it out, the shaker or whatever. Shaker, shaker, shaker. I do it. Whatever makes things spicy. It's also the colors of peel it. Especially on the

white gravy, especially. Just be like, damn, I'm eating some stuff. And I might leave hot sauce out of this. and peel it. Yeah. Especially like on the white gravy, especially. Just be like, damn, I'm eating some stuff. And I might leave hot sauce out of this. Really? Oh, I fuck up a chicken fries thing with that. Is that white gravy? Because that white gravy can take so much heat.

I know. Yeah. It really neutralizes a lot of it. There's no hamburger meat in the gravy? No. No. What about sausage chunks? Yeah, sure.

Oh, a sausage or white sauce. Yeah, there's sausage chunks in there okay yeah so country breakfast gravy yeah dude i've wet burped some white gravy before oh yeah i feel like a lot of these you're gonna be able to wet burp that a little bit i wet burped a couple of these probably last night what's the best chicken fried steak you've had there's this place called wrenchlers it's a truck stop my friend Micah took me there. I think it's no, maybe not. It's a truck stop. He'll get pissed at me. It's a truck stop in like T South Dakota. And it was the day after I had my first panic attack.

Whoa. And I called in sick to work for a week. I was like, hey, I'm going to be gone for a week. I'm freaking out. Like I went to the doctor. I got an MRI and everything. Really? And he took me to this place.

He's like, let's go get like some real good food. And I got a chicken fried steak there. And they also have the, well, I don't want to say it, but they got another thing that's really good too. Comfort food. Yeah. Lot lizards. That's what you were going to say?

They got another thing. I was just in case. I had a no lot lizard sticker on my car for like eight years. How old were you? Old enough to not have. What does that mean? It's a truck stop lady of the night, as it were. Truck stop sex worker.

You give me a ride to Lexington, I'll give you a tug job the whole way there. A lot lizard. I got you. I'm with you. Their truckers will talk about them. They're not scared. My stepdad will cheer you about it a little bit.

Stort some of that GoFast. Yeah, dude. Go in there and ask for some GoFast. Okay. Methamphetamines. I've seen some lot lizards, yeah. I've done some showsFast. Okay. Methamphetamines. I've seen some lot lizards. Yeah. I've done some shows in Salem. Oh, the Jubits back in Portland

just got named like the second best truck stop in America. I love that truck stop. It's so great. It's so great. Wait, what's it called? Jubits.

J-U-B-I-T-Z. Oh, I thought it's not two words. I thought you were making a joke. Come on! I got the Jubits. That place is crazy, though.

Jubits has a movie theater? They have a movie theater? Wait, there's a movie theater in the truck stop? How many screens? I think it's just the one, maybe, but I don't know. They might have a smaller one, too. They have showers for truckers to take showers at. Truck showers make me nervous.

Oh, can't imagine. Yeah, dude. What goes on in the trucker shower. No, I can't imagine. Trucker shower. I've gone at, the stuff that I've done in a truck stop bathroom has been pretty buck.

Like what? And I'm not a truck driver. Like what? I'm just some dude who was driving home from Minneapolis. I don't know, drugs and, you know, gnarly shits. I mean, it's nothing crazy, but I'm like, if I'm doing that, then truckers are doing gnarly shit.

They're like, they're there for the night. He's in there giving people tattoos without permission. Just holding their head in the toilet, give a nice little heart on the butt, you know? Chicken fries steak with white gravy. It is fucking great. It's one of the best. It's crazy that it's like a breakfast food that we eat.

Yes, it's a breakfast food or dinner food. And then you're supposed to go out and do something. Yeah. It's such an end of the night food. Yeah, I'm starting to get past that with breakfast, and I'm not going to name any other foods, but when I go to breakfast now, it's like, I'm not trying to swing for the fences anymore.

I had fucking, I'm going to say this food because I'm confident no one's going to take it, oatmeal. Yeah, no one's taking it. From room service. I was like, I had to be at work at like 8. It was when I was in Huntsville. And I was just like, oh, let me get that. It wasn't.

It was oatmeal. And I ordered it. You put like berries or like honey in it? I put some berries on it and it helped as much as it could. But it didn't start to the day, right? No, I used to get the oatmeal at McDonald's all the time. Yeah. In the morning.

It's like cheap and it didn't make me feel terrible. Right. You're like, okay, that feels like a modest amount. It's like cheap and it didn't make me feel terrible. Right. You're like, okay, that feels like a modest amount. It's not 800 calories. They put fruit on top of it too. They do in McDonald's?

It's pretty good, yeah. Oh, that's good. Chicken fried steak with white gravy. Chicken fried steak with white gravy. They've got, like, the cheaper the plate, like,

cherries is probably my favorite chicken fried steak in Washington. I love cherries. Yeah, in Washington. Nothing fancy. Yeah. No, yeah, dude,

I don't need the bells and whistles. Just a big plate of mess. Yeah, dude, give me the fucking... I want to know what it's going to look like when it's in my stomach already. Roger that. It's never my first pick. It is. Anybody else has anything to say?

No, no, no. With my first pick, I have to take... I got to take it first, even though I know I could get it later, is the Sue Carmel's lasagna. There you go. Sue Carmel's lasagna. Oh, yes. Sue Carmel makes a special spaghetti sauce that's been in our family for a long time. She fucked around, put it in a lasagna,

and goddamn, it's good. Oh, shit. With the ricotta, you know. A little ricotta? A little ricotta cheese. It's just fucking, it's like thick. I've never had a better lasagna. Did you put meat in there?

There's meat in the sauce. Okay, okay. So it's like, it's hot. had a better lasagna. Did you put meat in there? No meat? There's meat in the sauce. Okay, okay. So it's like, it's half. We're all eating these meals with our shirts off, right? Yeah. I don't know. It's my last meal. I'm eating it naked.

Naked? Yeah. I've never eaten, well, I don't know. I think I'm probably wearing clothes because I'm a fat guy, so if my big white gut is just hanging out there, I'll cover it in hair. Who? Last day, though, dude. For who? I don't know. Who are you worried about impressing? I guess I can't put myself in that mindset.

Yeah. I find it distracting. I think I'm naked. I've never eaten a meal naked. I think I'm naked. You've never eaten a meal naked? I don't think so. What about like some candy? I don't Is that a weird ask? David Morris.

That's not weird at all. I'm not trying to give you some of this good pickle juice. David, listen. I'm sweet with the pickle juice. You know I've had candy naked. Candy naked. That's another dude I know. I'm not trying to turn you out. I'm just trying to turn you all into some gang.

I'm not trying to turn you out. I gave myself a toothache laughing at that. Because that's reasonable. I was like, yeah, I've eaten candy naked. Yeah, it seems like a thing that you would just grab some while you're still naked. You're laying in bed all fat

and you're like, oh shit, I got a lemon head left? Yeah, fuck, pop it in. This is the best Halloween ever. The only time I've had food naked, sometimes I'll bring what I think is going to get eaten from the kitchen to the bathroom. And then I'll turn the shower on and I still have a couple bites left. Wait, that feels weirder to me than never having eaten.

Wait, you eat right before you go in the shower? I have. That seems way weirder than never. But I'm not naked at the fridge, mind you. So I'll do it. That doesn't seem crazy to anybody else. No, that's crazy. I can't even talk right now

I might have I might have done it today I'm trying to think pardon me what do you do say it again I went I went

and I made one of my little tortilla messes okay right I had shorts on yes and I started eating it from the kitchen to the bathroom

I was like I'll have this finished by the time I get in the shower and then I turned the shower on and I still had like four bites left so I'd get naked so you're just like in the shower. And then I turn the shower on, and I still had, like, four bites left. So I'd get naked.

So you're just, like, in the shower with food in your esophagus? I finish it before I get in. Yeah, I've been in there with, like, chewing. But it's, like, traveling down. Jeez, man. I'm fucking crazy, bro. Yeah, it just seems like a weird time to want to put food in. That's like the bus takes off before you sat down, you know? It's that kind of feeling. It's not bad. It's just a weird time to want to put food in. That's like the bus takes off before you sat down. You know, it's that kind of feeling.

It's not bad. It's just different. Yeah. I'm out here making moves. It's just like interesting how you divide your time. Like everybody prioritizes their time differently. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And it's interesting that like for how you prioritize your time, those because i do things that shouldn't intersect but they i brush my teeth in the shower i do too you know what i mean exclusively in the morning i'll do it yeah okay i'm so in there already i'm so into brushing my teeth before i get into the shower oh yeah and i only say that because i'll like get out of the shower and I go, I feel good because I've already brushed my teeth and I feel like I've saved time. Yeah. But it's just a weird mind thing. Right, right, right.

But I can't tell you how much I think about it and go, when I don't do it, I'm like Rain Man when there's like- Oh, it fucks up the whole thing. It's like the shower didn't take. Yeah. I don't know how I would feel about eating before going in. It's like the shower didn't take. That's how I would feel about eating before going in. It's like, that doesn't count as a shower. It doesn't thrill me. It doesn't thrill me when I do that.

I don't get excited. I brush my teeth before, too. I love it. I love getting out of the shower and then being like, I'm so clean. Yeah, I'm so fresh. I'm so clean. Oh, no, I get the same thing when I do it in the shower. I don't know.

It just doesn't work for me in the shower. But I'm not making a judgment call. Listen, it's all right. I know people that do the shower, and they say they do it to the shower. I don't know. It just doesn't work for me in the shower. But I'm not making a judgment call. Listen, it's all... I know people that do the shower, and they say they do it to save time, but I just feel like it's gross. I do too. I like it because I can just spit the foam

into the drain. You know, Richard Bain, everybody, he ain't telling it like it isn't. Never been known to pull a punch, this Richard Bain. I'm real known for being clean. He's a clean guy. I'm a clean guy. That's what they call me.

Ew. Mom's lasagna. It'll get a little crisp on the edges, you know? Oh, it's so fucking good. Yeah. It's so fucking good. They should just package crispy lasagna edges. Crispy lasagna.

Could you imagine just a bag full of lasagna edges? That shit would be great. Are you doing anything to this now? You putting, what are you, are you peppering it up? Doing anything? No. Sue does it well. She does it perfect.

Came out perfect. I gotta have it one of these days. I'll barely even look at it. Have I ever had it? Huh? Have I ever had it? Maybe? Huh?

No, I'm blind as a bat. You look good, though. I don't think you have had mom's lasagna. Out of one eye. There's vomit on your sweaty Alzheimer's. Mom's lasagna. No, I don't think you have. All right.

It's good, though. Maybe you have. I'm going to need that one of these days. Maybe in March. I'll be there for a week. She'll cook her up. Cook it up. Cook it up.

Cook it up. Cook it up. My second pick. Uh-huh. Vodka-soaked watermelon. A bunch of it. Oh, nice. You could do a whole watermelon.

Yeah. I was wondering if anyone was going to throw some alcohol in here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah. I also... I'm housing a whole watermelon soaked in vodka because I'm eating it. It's food.

All right. And you've been drinking Pruno since the 90s. You and Tretch. Since fucking Dan Quayle was the vice president. This is the first time you've had some liquor that wasn't fermented in a toilet for years.

Dan Quayle was your first prison tattoo, wasn't it? Yeah. In your armpit so hair grows over it. It's his hair. It's pretty cute. Vodka-soaked watermelon just so I can get fucked up. I want to be fucked up one last time. Yeah, I feel you. So I'm hitting the vodka soaked watermelon.

Plus I fucking love watermelon. Yeah. Yeah. And then you put up the ultimate drunk fight when they try to split. Right. I didn't do it, I said. No, no no no Ian bites the rind into a spear

come at me I eat the rind while making eye contact with one of the guards and that fucks him up for the rest of his life cause also you're naked I'm naked covered in lasagna covered in lasagna barfed wet barfed down my fucking torso and I'm eating

watermelon rinds we need to go who's you and the turd in your pocket I ain't going anywhere wet barf down my fucking torso, and I'm eating watermelon rinds. We need to go. Who's you and the turd in your pocket? I ain't going anywhere. I'm gonna finish my fucking vodka-soaked watermelon. I haven't eaten the rind yet. I'm gonna make a helmet out of it. So I'm naked except for a watermelon helmet? It's the juggernaut!

He took out three officers. I'm covered in lasagna grease with a fucking watermelon helmet, staring around the prison. You mean like in lasagna grease with a fucking watermelon helmet. Scurrying around the prison. You'd be like Charles Bronson. Nobody can get you. That's how you escape. Yeah, exactly. You just slide on the floor all the way up.

He greased his way through the whole prison. Nobody can lay a hand on you. Bullets ricocheting off my helmet. Yeah, they are. Watermelon, Ryan, just naked and hammered out of your gourd, and you just get out into the gen pop, they are? Yeah. Watermelon, right? Just naked and hammered out of your gourd and you just get out into the gen pop

causing ruckus. He's in the gen pop! I don't die today! Rock down! I don't take that watermelon off until I get to Zihuatanejo. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Yeah, man. You're dope. Rock his own watermelon. Hell yeah. Sean, your second pick. Man, I. Yeah, man. You're dope. Like a zoned watermelon. Hell yeah. Sean, your second pick. Man, I wasn't ready for that one. I'm all delirious from laughing.

I know. That one shook me up pretty hard. That was really, really funny. Well, man, that was tight. I guess I'm going to switch my pick then because I don't want anyone else to pick this. I'm going to do a big brownie edible, because I've never done one before. What? I love you, but that is a bad, terrible idea.

I've just never done it. What a bad idea for you, but okay. You know you're going to have to... But if I'm dying anyways... You know you don't like being high, and you know you only have 24 hours... I think it'd be different if I'm in this situation. I don't think I'd care. I don't.

But I'd find out. You'd fall asleep, though. I don't know what would happen. I don't either. I think you would have a huge panic attack. This is after my meal. Oh, yeah. After the panic attack, you'd fall asleep.

Yeah, you'd have a huge panic attack and then fall asleep. But I think the fact that I'm on death row is going to outweigh that. I think that I don't... Because you know you're about to die. I wouldn't be as scared. Oh, that's true. What are you going to panic about? I think it would...

I mean, now we're getting real serious, but I really think... Obviously, we'll never know, but I think that... Well, I'm fine. But that mindset that you'd be in, you'd just be fucked. And I think I could lose. I could let myself go enough to just get. You would rather be high on weed than drunk? I think so, because I've never done it.

Interesting. Well, yeah. Why don't you do heroin? I've never done an edible. I mean, I've done. Well, because heroin can't be a food. Like, says you. You've never seen the mule.

Roll some chicken around in Oxycontin. Yeah, that's how we used to fry it. He never keistered anything, I see. Put any old prison in your pocket? Bobby Brown used to put cocaine on fried chicken. Well, no, he just did it once when he was a kid. It's real. It's a real story.

Yeah, that's on the internet. I never heard that. Bobby Brown is buying a big bag of coke. What was he going to do after that? His life was going to go the way it went. I swear to god uh i used to buy blow from this guy and he uh his name was whatever it doesn't matter yeah this was like a long time it was like 15 years ago doesn't matter he uh he he didn't have a front tooth and he had one of his teeth missing from a fight and he would drink

he wouldn't snort coke but one night I was over at his house and he goes yeah I'm gonna do some coke with you and I was like okay but he goes I don't snort it and he put a gram of cocaine in a strawberry Fanta one gram?

put the whole gram in the strawberry Fa like a 20 ounce like back in the day like like a bottle of pop yeah and he fucking kind of shook it up and it fizzed all up and then he just pounded it and it looked like it tasted like shit and i was like damn i've never seen anything like that in my whole life but does that work? That's my second choice, actually. I want to be coked up for it. Strawberry fans is the best. It's not going to work. I want to beat the chair.

Doesn't that work? Does cocaine, can you take it in your system through drinking it? Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Then why have we been snorting it this whole time? I don't know. Because it's cool, man. Because I see people do that.

That's the, I mean, yeah, I don't know. I've never gummed it or anything. You can't talk about snorting coke and my mom was on you in the same half hour. No, we can get back to it later. No, I'm joking. We can. I'm just...

Yeah, just make that edible. And that's going to be, I'm going to do it last, obviously. I'm not'm joking we can i'm just that edible and that's gonna be lab i'm doing it last obviously i'm not gonna but i'm just doing that last man i had to pick something something that i have never done yeah something you did have to pick something that is how it works big brownie edible i just don't know baby i don't either i don't know why don't you do like ls or put lsd on the brownie or something like that? Why do you pick weed? I don't know. Yeah, I could have, but I did.

I already picked it, so. Big panic attack. Big. Yeah, that would be the one. I panic when I have it. I wouldn't even do that, and I like weed. Edible weed. And I would for sure be eating edibles in jail. The worst I've ever felt off drugs is when I've eaten too much pasta.

You guys make it seem so dope. Because I think I'm dying. I truly think, oh, I'm having a heart attack. Get me, like, then I don't want to tell anyone. Why do people tell me to do edibles that everybody tells me? That's when I OD on edibles. I don't, you shouldn't go where I go. I'm making the mistake.

I'm not saying you, I'm saying, but like in general, because I don't smoke weed, everyone's like, you should try edibles. And it sounds like I shouldn't. Because they're stupid and 22. They don't listen to them. Listen to us. We love you. I care about you.

I will never do it. There is a cool level to edibles, though, when you hit and you're totally baked. Yeah. And you're like, when I get edibles and I smoke a little bit of weed and I hit it just right, like 50 milligrams is good for me. Yeah. I can stay high. uh when i get edibles and i smoke a little bit of weed and i hit it just right like 50 milligrams is good for me yeah i can stay high it feels like your brain is like hitting this chords on as an organ and a real phone you're just like yeah and i will not stop i want to get to that's what i'm shooting for with this situation definitely makes the food taste better. That's for sure. Or there's an urgency to it.

I always think it makes the food taste better and then afterwards I'm like, did I even notice I was eating? Did I even? Especially sweet food. Especially sweet food. I'll look down and there's like a torn open, like a wolverine got to the bag of Skittles and I'm like, did I even

for one second reflect upon the Skittle in my mouth? You start wondering if you just dropped half a cheesecake on the floor. Yeah, right.

Yeah, where is it? Like, where did it? There's no way. Did I leave it in the shower? I must have put it in the vegetable crisper because there's no way I ate it.

I drank peanut butter M&M's the other night. I didn't eat them. I just like put them up and went, ate them like a pelican? Yeah. I've been doing that. Yeah. Did gummy bears. I did it the other day. I didn't eat them. I just put them up and went, ate them like a pelican? Yeah. I've been doing that.

Yeah, did gummy bears. I did it the other day. I do it with chips constantly. At work, I don't want to get my fingers all chippy, so I'll just drink them

like it's fucking soda. Drink the chips, I've been there. Bottom of Pringles, what are you going to do? You have to. They're in there. You paid for them.

They're mine. Big Pringles wants you to not eat those. I bought them. They come back and get them. I bought them, motherfuckers, bro. Big brownie edible.

Big brownie edible. Richard, tell me your second pick. Second pick. This is such a big one that I'm sure we all have this on our list, but fried chicken, fried chicken. Sure. Yes. Where, though?

Because it's your last meal, so you can go anywhere. I'm saying my mom's cooked fried chicken. Okay. Okay. That was the the one her favorite dish i grew up in like i went to school in north carolina like high school so divorced parents so like my mom would uh cook dinners all by herself so it was very stressful for her like looking back i'm like oh geez she had a fucking she was like a teacher yeah and then come home and cook dinner for three brats. I'm sure you weren't a fucking treat. Oh, I was the worst.

Yeah. I was a fucking nightmare. And then I had sisters. So it's like you couldn't imagine everyone screaming at each other. I can imagine. I look back and I'm like, my mom wasn't a great cook, but she cooked. The fact that she got it done.

There was food on the table. And looking back, I'm like, this corn's great. She opened the can and heated it up. She did a whole other thing after work. Yeah, exactly. But she would make fried chicken that was bomb as fuck. Her mom made fried chicken that was bomb as fuck. Her mom made fried chicken.

It was one of those family pastels. Yeah. She worked at a restaurant when she was a teenager called Chicken Kitchen in Edenton, North Carolina. Chicken Kitchen, Chicken Kitchen. I mean, talk about like two piece and a biscuit type of place. Like true fried southern chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. biscuit type of place. True fried southern chicken. She grew up working there and she became really good at it.

That's fucking amazing. Fried chicken was definitely on my list. There's no way it's not on all of them. A bunch of different kinds. Variations. Sue Carmel makes an interesting fried chicken. these so she'll hear this. Sue Carmel makes like an interesting fried chicken.

It's pretty, it's good. Yeah. But it's not like, no, it's really good. You can go lots of places with fried chicken. But it's not like

any other fried chicken I've had. It's like this weird deep southeast fried chicken. Okay. Yeah, it's like wet. It's a wetter fried chicken than I'm used to.

It's delicious. Sure. When I get it, there'll be a throne of bones sitting, you know, where I used to be. Don't get me wrong. But I'm just like, I've never had any other fried chicken like this.

Okay, this is weird. Some people think I'm gross because I eat fried chicken with ketchup. I don't think that's gross at all. I can't do it. I've never done that. Some people are like, what the fuck are you doing? David doesn't like ketchup. He doesn't like sweets with his meats.

Okay. I'll put ketchup on it for sure. I've never done it, but I would. Yeah. Well, that's so weird to me that people have never even done it because it's like, I don't know. I just want to dip it in barbecue sauce, ketchup, anything. I dip everything in everything.

Spice and ketchup? I'm with you. If there's sauce around, it goes mac and cheese. Ranch will go in there if they're on the same plate. I'll do anything. I'm always the guy at the restaurant who's like, you got ranch? Oh, yeah, me too. Trash table.

When we used to go to Red Robin. Eat it out back by the dumpster, you weirdo. Assume they're not getting a tip. Go eat in the shower, you fucking creep. When I used to go to Red Robin, I would have them bring out every sauce with the fries. Oh, I love it. Yeah. The fucking all-in-one.

Red Robin was good for that. Endless fries. You need endless sauces. You know what I found out the other day is that at Buffalo Wild Wings, at least two, you can order two extra sauces, wing sauces, on the side and get little free containers of them. Word.

I didn't know that. And I just saw this thing on the menu that, like, would you like to add an extra sauce i'm like yeah what's that 50 cents and they were free and i did it twice i got them both and they're gonna change things for us yeah it's pretty cool i'm gonna i always get extra sauces i'm not against the 50 cents yeah or whatever bullshit i'm not worried about that it's so awful do you always spring for guacamole uh i love guacamole yeah guacamole count as a sauce? I love avocado. I love... Yeah.

Guac is a sauce. Guac is a sauce. Yeah, it's like a dip. I mean, it's right there with all the other dippers, for sure. I've definitely put it on burgers and sandwiches. And bricks. My fingers. My fingers.

Pingis. Put it on my bed sheets. Like on a plastic spoon. On my toothbrush in the shower on the avocado peel that I'm using as a spoon to fork it into my mouth fried chicken

fork it in there that's a great pick Dave Borey it's time for your second and third picks my second pick okay a chorizo super quesadilla from Taqueria, Cancun, between 18th and 19th in Mission in San Francisco.

Ian's face got awesome. Burrito City. When you were in the middle of saying that? I love chorizo, dude. His face is like, dude, in those shits, when I first moved to San Francisco, that reminds me of first moving to the city, moving around. I'd get into the city at 7. I'd go buy one of those bad boys.

I'd eat half of it and then go do all the mics. And then at the end of the night, pull the other half out. Kill it. Oh, they're so good. If you're ever in San Francisco, and go to Taqueria Cancun. so good if you live if you're ever in san francisco and go to taqueria cancun not the not the knockoff dump by like 25th it's like c-a-n apostrophe c-u-n just the one that's taqueria cancun across the street from where the dark room used to be yes fuck that place was good yeah by beauty bar that fucking place a super chorizo quesadilla super chorizo quesadilla that sounds

it's so fucking dope. It's so good. They get you like the whole pieces of avocado in that motherfucker. Oh, man. They fry it right there. You wash it. Oh, man. I'm getting emotional right now. I really am.

I did the burrito fest back in the day. Do you remember that? Oh, shit. I wanted that. I wanted that. I wanted that. I wanted that to go on for another year because I was like, I'll go to that. Didn't somebody get a tattoo of it?

Yeah, somebody did. One of us. Oh, that poor comedian. What did you, you thought Amin was going to let you in every year and then that shit full of shop. Now you got to explain it to people. One year. I was there, man.

Oh, man. Whoever, shout out to whatever poor soul who probably doesn't do comedy anymore. Because if you were getting a tattoo from Jump Street, you probably were a market. But they gave us two free burritos a day. But they weren't at Cancun. They weren't at Cancun.

They were at El Toro around the corner. Because I was upset. Is that the one that wraps them like their little fucking missile? Like super tight like Bat Day? They all do that. That's Mission Street, baby. Yeah, it's dope. But yeah, that shit reminds me of the city. It's so

delicious. The business. I love it. Fucking chorizo. I love chorizo. It's super underrated meat. You know what I like about it? This is kind of gross, but when you eat it and you fart, it smells just like chorizo. How do you taste it, man? It's super underrated meat. You know what I like about it? This is kind of gross, but when you eat it and you fart, it smells just like chorizo. Not even in a gross way. That's true. It's gross to anyone else.

If any of you farted and it smelled just like chorizo, I'd be like, fuck. It'd be gross. But if I'm alone and I fart and it just comes out and I'm just like, oh. Yeah, look at that. Just like chorizo. Also, let's say you got one of those and then you got too drunk at the beauty bar or Dr. Teeth and Electric Mayhem or any of those streets on that bar

and then you end up puking in the street waiting for the 19 bus. You can just eat it again. It still tastes like chorizo. Perfect. Then you go home and have more because it only wet your appetite. It only sparked your appetite.

So yeah, that's a pretty easy one perfect and the next uh one is also uh yeah my mom it's my mom makes it it's peanut butter soup with jasmine rice break it down a little bit please it's so it's like a stew and cereal they make it it's called groundnut stew and they make it with like boiled peanuts. Yeah. But my mom just does it with like a dollop of peanut butter. And then it's like onions, tomatoes, tomato juice. Then she puts some chicken in there. That's so good. And then some like coconut milk in there.

And then like palm oil. And then it all kind of stews together. And then you pour it over. It gets a little thicker maybe. Yeah. And then you pour it over jasmine or whatever kind of rice. But I would always like when I was a kid, I'd be like, jasmine rice is so good. And you pour it over rice. And whatever kind of rice. But I would always, when I was a kid, I'd be like, jasmine rice is so good.

And you pour it over rice. And it's just so good. My mom made it every single month growing up. She still makes it now. It reminds me of being a kid and not being in prison. That sounds dope, dude. Hell yeah. It sounds really good.

It sounds so good. I love peanut butter. I love peanut butter. It saved every situation. Oh, it's so good. And the more I'm growing up, the. It's a savory situation. Oh, it's so good. And the more I'm growing up, the more like I'm trying to- She puts dude tomatoes in there. As I say, I'm growing up, talking about eating tortilla wraps in the shower, but trying to

mature my palate a bit. And so something like that sounds good. Whereas like 10 years ago, I would think that like just the tomatoes made it sound gross. And now I'm like, no, fuck it. All that together sounds dope. Yeah. It's so good. It's, man, she's... I might ask

her how to make it, but... Make it for, like, the Super Bowl. That's coming up, right? It is. Piss everybody off. I don't want to wreck everyone's day. I'm sorry, what'd I say? I blacked out. I told you not to talk about that!

Sorry, man. I keep bringing up shit you tell me not to. David had $85,000 on the Chargers. He bet his next five Comedy Central specials money on that. Yeah, run it back. Run it back. That's what happened. Comedy Central. I just kept running it back.

I need to heal. Run it back. Run it back. Because you're going to win sooner or later, right? I went to run it back university. If you went into a, if you bet like 80 grand on a team and lost it went back into the book you like let's run it back real quick but not being rich

here's the thing I think a lot of people don't understand if you have $100 what's the difference between 80 and 160,000 what there's no difference if you're broke anyways run it back you think I'm gonna get you mean. If you're broke anyways, run it back.

Yeah, yeah. You think I'm going to get $80,000 so you can't break my legs? I'm not going to get the one. It doesn't matter. Run it back. I don't have 180 just as much as I don't have 160. Exactly. Run it back.

I don't have the same amount. All you aspiring gamblers out there, listen to me. Run it back. Run it back. Run it back. Double down back. Run it back. Double down. Double down. It never goes wrong.

Split those fucking tens. You only live once. Run it back. Don't be a coward. Run it back. Run it back. Cut off your fingertips. Yeah.

File down your teeth. Go in with broken legs. Yeah. You know? Be like, I ran it back too hard. You run it back too many times, it doesn't work? There's always work on a fishing boat in Alaska. Just get out of town. Run it back too hard. You run it back too many times, it doesn't work. There's always work on a fishing boat in Alaska. Just get out of town.

Run it, literally run it back. Yeah, run it back till you run away. That's what I say. Run it out of town. Yeah, run it back, run it up the wall, run it out of town. I just love David Borey's last words. To all you gamblers out there, run it back. Run it back.

Run it back. Peanut butter soup with jasmine rice. Excellent. Richard, tell me your third pick third pick it's so funny you say peanut butter because uh i'm going with peanut pad thai i fucking love it it's one of my favorite dishes i can eat it in bulk i can eat so much, it would surprise you guys. I think I could surprise you. You think you'd shock me a little bit? I've seen it.

I've been underestimated before. Yeah, I think you guys... I mean, I've literally eaten so much. There's an All You Can Eat where it has... I ate it all. All You Can Eat Pad Thai? They have tiki masala and pad thai. They have all these really good noodle dishes and it's a really

well-clean place. The food's really good. I have walked out of there and thrown up because I ate so much. No, I've done that at buffets. There's nothing more humbling than throwing up outside of a restaurant.

Then you just have to bow to the restaurant because you beat you. You ate too much. Oh, you're a father now. You shake your finger at it like George McFly. You got me. You got me. There was this Chinese buffet in Beaverton that we just called the China Bucket. There were two of them.

There's the China Bucket in Beaverton, and then there was the Vancouver China Bucket. And I barfed outside of each of them. And there was a sushi buffet. Do you remember in Pioneer Square or Pioneer Place? Yeah. There was a Todai, T-O-D-A-I, and we used to go senior year of high school football. It wasn't the football team.

It was me and Nam Pei, but like a few other friends. We would skip school and go to a sushi buffet with the intention of making money. It was $17 for the lunch, and we were like, I'm going to easily eat $70 for the lunch. Didn't you get kicked out of there once, or am I crazy? No, you're crazy. I thought somewhere kicked you guys out because you were like hanging around too long. Not like eating, but I thought you like hung around with that.

They may have asked us to leave. Like, we're here kind of until we get hungry again. And then they were like, maybe. It doesn't spark. It doesn't jump to the forefront. Yeah, yeah. If you're in a five-man group two plates got to be eating at all times yeah sure yeah good for that keep two wheels on the ground i'll i'll put i'll put some shit away at a buffet i love peanut pad thai with the uh like shaved peanut or the crumbled up peanuts over it peanut sauce peanut sauce. Just drown it in it.

I fucking love it. None of these are not going to be drowning in whatever they might be drowning in on a normal day. Tons of chicken, so every bite you get all three. It's so good. And I, too, grew up with such a scared eater. I'd eat just garbage, but it'd be the same thing over and over. And then as I've gotten older, I'm like, someone's like, you've never had Indian food?

And I'm like, what? No. And they're like, yeah, it's delicious. Yeah, they're like, try these things. And you're like, fuck, it's good. It's so good. Sog paneer. Yeah. I was the same way. Because if I fucking, bless her, I say it like it's bad, but whenever something my mom didn't like would come up, she'd be like, oh, we don't like that.

And she'd kind of lean into me. I'm like, well, fuck yeah, I don't like it. You don't like it. I don't like it. I didn't have a bagel until I was like 15. I was like, no, I don't like bagels. Yeah, there was no Thai restaurant. People don't like bagels?

My mom and sister still will say they don't like bagels. And I'm just like, it's bread. What, chew bread? No, no thank you. That's not what they're saying, but their eyes are saying it. No, I know, I know, I know. There really is Jewish rye bread. It is Jewish rye.

There is Jewish, there is Jew bread. Jewish rye. Do they not like cream cheese? Do they like toast? Now that I'm older, I get to watch my mom. She doesn't... My mom will say she doesn't do this,

but I watch my sister, and I'm like, I don't expect her to like sushi, but I know a big part of the reason I don't like sushi is because I was raised thinking that it was absolutely disgusting. So when I'll go,

Alex is like, hey, you want to go get sushi? And she's like, oh, I hate sushi. She's never had it. I know she's never had it, and she may not like it, but it's just one of those things. I don't believe for one second you suggest that you guys should go get sushi. I do it all the time. I wouldn't,. I know she's never had it. And she may not like it.

But it's just one of those things. I don't believe for one second you suggest that you guys should go get sushi. I do it all the time. I wouldn't. But I do it. Just to see. Yes. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I would never.

I was going to say. I was like, you hate sushi. You would jack out immediately. Yeah, wait, wait, wait. You don't like sushi? Because I know she never has had it. You won't eat sushi. I hate sushi.

Oh, my God. But you've had sushi. I've had it plenty. And I do not like it. I hate seafood. Except for tuna. I like tuna. That doesn't even. I love tuna. I think've had sushi. I've had it plenty, and I do not like it. I hate seafood. Except for tuna. I like tuna. That doesn't even.

I love tuna. I think tuna's great. It's like the least seafood. Well, that's probably what I like to think. They literally call it chicken of the sea. Yeah, it looks like bugs the rest of it. I don't need that shit anymore. What about salmon?

What if I just gave you some chopped salmon? I'd try it. Who knows? I bet I wouldn't like it. I just hate it. It seems crazy to me that you would like tuna and not like salmon. What about good tuna? Like ahi tuna?

Oh, yeah. Do you fuck with good tuna? I said I like tuna steak. Probably. You know I've never had good tuna. You've been with me at the nicest food I've ever had. Good tuna, dude. We've had seafood,

but when we went to Fugue de Chao, we had seafood. That was good. Well, we had caviar. We never went to Fugue de Chao. We went to Momofuku. Caviar, yeah. I'm an asshole. Look at me. I gotta get out of here. He's gone.

Fugue de Chao. Yeah, I don't know how we got He's gone. Take off. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Yeah, I don't know how we got down that route. Peanut Pad Thai, bro. Peanut Pad Thai. Gotta get the peanut, too. When people don't do the peanut, and I hate it. I hate it, too. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I love peanut butter. I love fucking peanut sauce. And it's kind of spicy, too, in a weird way. It's got a little bite to it you know say what you will about cultural appropriation i'll say say whatever you want to i don't care i'm not gonna put a muzzle on you but like one of the beautiful things like that have and i'm sure some of these other foods will come up like the american versions of authentic food yeah i love so much i love shitty american mexican food i love shitty american

chinese food yeah i don't think they're putting that much peanut butter in the pad thai in thailand you're right you know what i mean like i suspect they probably aren't but i thought that's the one i want yeah it's the fucking shitty because i'm a scumbag american when you go to that place it's gonna be oh it's gonna be fucking bonkers it's gonna be off the chain but i also just have a soft spot for my in my heart and probably a clogged spot in my heart i have a real soft hole in my heart the one thai food restaurant in fucking like uh i don't know like fucking brooking south dakota yeah drain oregon brookings not South Dakota. I bet they got one in Brookings. Yeah, in like... I'm blowing all the Oregon Coast names right now.

But like, in Pearl Beach. You know, they're Pad Thai. That's what I fucking want. The Lincoln City Pad Thai Wharf. Right, exactly. Pad Thai your boat up. Sean, time for your third pick. I'm going to have a big, giant

Monte Cristo sandwich Deep fried? I love it No, I don't think so I don't know, I don't think it's deep fried The one I'm thinking of Some people deep fry I bet it would be amazing

The one I'm thinking of isn't Perkins in the Midwest is my favorite I had it growing up when I was a kid all the time Then there's one at City State Diner in Portland. Oh, yes. It's just like a day killer. But bites of it are a day killer. And I'm like, I paid for the whole motherfucker.

I'm eating the whole motherfucker. But you only need the edge. Straight edge. Paid for the whole seat. You only need the edge. You know what I mean? That Monte Cristo is so fucking good. It's probably the messiest thing I can think about eating,

but it is worth it. I loved Monte Cristo sandwiches until I was in Boise, Idaho. The one time when I was there with Brian Cook. What'd they do to you? What'd they do to my baby boy? Fucking Brian. Brian, you prick. And I think it was at Liquid.

We went up at Liquid Laughs and it was either at Liquid Laughs or right next door. This was before my company. They have that dope restaurant. Yeah. I've gotten a Monte Cristo there. But it's like super deep fried. They deep fry the whole shebang and I didn't care for that. I have had that. A deep fried've gotten a monte cristo there but it's like super deep fried they deep fry the whole shebang and like i didn't i didn't care for that i have had that deep fried sandwiches a lot you think it's it's like it is it is i got one at bennegan's one time and it

fucked me up i got one at uh house of pies recently oh yeah and here's where they fucked up they didn't put any let you in dude they didn't put any batter on the fucking Monte Cristo. So they just took a sandwich and deep fried it. Oh, you just dropped it in? And I was so fucked up when I ate it. I was like... I didn't really notice until halfway through.

I'm like, wait, this... It's like falling apart in my hand. It was just bread soaked in grease. It was disgusting. I would eat it i'm sure i just took the i took the bread off and then just ate everything in the middle but like i was so upset and then i was drunk and i tried to explain it to the to the way to the waitress i'm like and and there's even batter on it and she's like you're like you're this close to getting out you need to you're sir you're battering me sir sir but i love money crystal

i'll put motherfucking jelly here's yeah i thought that's what you're supposed to do yeah here's what i do is i dip an apricot syrup if I'm having my way. Okay. Apricot syrup. That was the last thing I thought you were going to say. Apricot is not my favorite, but... It is so good. Where was the first time you had it with apricot syrup? Perkins.

Okay. In Sioux Falls. Syrup. Perkins is like an IHOP for everybody out there who doesn't know what it is. But yeah, apricot syrup, I don't know what it is. It just did it for me. Dipping the Monte Cristo in this apricot syrup. It's sweet and savory.

It's delicious. It was a meal called the Little Cowpoke. I'd get it every time. You're a little cowpoke. But I'd say, give me a little fucking cowpoke, lady. My mom would say, get her. Then I'd eat it. Mom says, you like this.

Listen up, trick. We're just throwing sushi at Hummers we don't eat sushi at Hummers Monte Cristo dude it's kind of like a croque monsoor you know

that French sandwich I don't know what that is it's a discus alright sorry yeah man just a big fat Monte Cristo yeah delicious yeah delicious it's time for my Sorry. Yeah, man. Just a big fat Monte Cristo. Yeah.

Delicious. Yeah. Delicious. It's time for my third and fourth picks. As it is. Yeah, as it is. A serpentine drift. With my third pick, I'm going to do it.

I'm going to take the Panda Express orange chicken. Yeah. It's a big fucking mess of it. I can't believe that I made it this far. I was thinking about this earlier. It's so fucking good. That's kind of what I was referring to earlier. It's really one of my go-tos.

That's what I thought somebody was going to say. American, like good, bad American Chinese food. I can't believe it made it 12 picks in, honestly. I fucking love it. Yes. When I order Panda Express, I get chow mein noodles, and then for all three proteins, orange chicken, orange chicken, orange chicken.

I want all three. Versace, Versace, Versace. Do you really do all three? All three. Holy shit, dude. Yeah, Versace, Versace, Versace. I'll tell you. Do you really do all three? All three. Holy shit, dude. Yeah, Versace, Versace, Versace. I'll tell you. I'll tell you, dude.

You know what? He's never had scurvy. Uh-uh. Stay away. I was pilot. Nothing but the best. Panda Express catered to the pilot. It was sick, dude.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. That was, when I walked out, I'm like, get off me, dude. It was so dank. I love it. I've never been able to get my own amount of orange chicken that was the only time i was like you're leaving this up to me dude which is crazy because it's not like they skimp there that's the most generous portion is a late night baby they're just like

and then funk that is such a when you get when you get like a heavy pour at a at a panda too you're just like god have you ever noticed the difference in regional the way it tastes yes oh yeah yes like like in la the orange chicken is very spicy it's very which i love it's delicious i love it extra sriracha on it yeah but it'll be sweeter in other parts of the country i'll put fucking other uh hot sauce on it with the fucking i will sometimes get some teriyaki sauce. Toriorki. Yeah. I love it. It's one of my favorite places to go. I love it.

Oh, yeah. It's right up there with Taco Bell for favorite fast food. You know there's two of them in the Glendale Gallery. You know why that is. Two in the same mall. You know the first Panda Express is right here in fucking Glendale, California. Really? Yes. Right over there.

Whoa. They have a sit-down restaurant. I'm convinced it's the same people. I go to the one on Eagle Rock Boulevard. That's where I go. There's one up there. It's in downtown Glendale. It's called like the Pandas

or the Panda Inn or something like that. Panda Inn, yeah. And that's the first Panda Express. In 1983, Andrew Cherng opens the first. This is off the top, by the way. He did not just wiki this. Opens the first Panda Express at the Glendale Galleria. Whoa.ens the first Panda Express at the Glendale

Galleria. Whoa. The first Panda Express was in the Glendale Galleria. God, that's cool. Do you know the first Forever 21 is in our neighborhood? Oh, yeah. It's on Fig. Yeah, yeah. 1987. Chef Andy Cow develops her signature dish, Orange Chicken. Inspired by the flavors of

the Hunan province, like I said earlier. The dish features crispy chicken. Every time he goes there, he tells them this. I like the dish most inspired by the flavors of the Hunan province, like I said earlier. The dish features crispy chicken. Every time he goes there, he tells them this. I'd like the dish most inspired by the Hunan province, please. Are you just tapping strangers? Did you guys know? Did you know? Stop me if you knew this. They served 80 million pounds of orange chicken in 2016.

I get the honey walnut shrimp, though. Oh, that is fucking good. I get two oranges and then the honey walnut shrimp. It's worth $1. fucking good. I get two oranges and then the honey walnut shrimp. It's worth $1.25 extra. I'll switch in the teriyaki chicken every now and then. Yeah, I'll do that. I like the black pepper chicken.

It's good. It feels healthier. I never have the fucking black pepper chicken anymore, but I do like that a lot. Yeah, I used to love it. They have that fiery chicken or whatever that is. Oh, yeah. Fiery shrimp.

Fiery shrimp. No, I don't like that. Or no, I might think of the honey walnut shrimp. Here's one thing I don't like is when you're paying and they go, do you want to support the children's hospital? No. And I go, no. And they don't ding the bell.

And everyone around me knows I'm a piece of shit. You just go, you just look at everyone, eat like a Tasmanian devil. I don't fucking care. This guy didn't get a ding bell. Old fucking Nelson Rockefeller forked over the 150 for the honey walnut shrimp. Can't afford another shackle

for the kids. Sorry, kids. Got the honey walnut shrimp on my plate. Me and Mark Cuban rented out the bouncy hut afterwards. You don't get to do

anything fun, kids. They do it to me every time I go in there i yeah i buckle man i give i give my i usually do i usually do too i just didn't last time and it stuck with me uh piece of shit but yeah the panda express orange chicken it's just fucking so good bop a little sriracha on that i love it yeah dude absolutely but uh yeah anytime you're in the galleria you're on holy grounds wow yeah first one ever uh yeah and then the panda inn i'm pretty sure i'll do more research after i make this i've done it and i always forget i do the research probably once a month is it like a restaurant like yeah more more restaurant you can sit down yeah but it's a fucking panda express if you've ever seen one i mean it's like a sit-down panda

express pretty totally actually yeah it's tight my sit-down Panda Express. Pretty dope, actually. Yeah, it's tight. My last pick, or my fourth pick. We'll do a little speed round on the last one. My fourth pick is a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Ah, there you go. I was wondering when we were getting into desserts. Do you have a place in mind?

Man, it's just one that, like, it's kind of like you said earlier. It's all about like comfort. And like my mom just used to fucking like wherever she either got them from or made them. Although if I had to pick, maybe I'd pick like magpies or whatever. I'd like have them fuck one up. Man, that place, I bet you they would. Have you had the vegan fried pie from magpies? You know magpies over on?

I just went to magpies recently for the first time. I loved it. It is jarring. It's like, it changes you, dude. You're different for the night. Don't make me change you easy. What the fuck that's supposed to mean, Chuck? What are you, from Bompton or something?

No, I'm from Cakersfield. Ice cream cake. I'm from Ice Cream Cakersfield, dude. Ice Cream Cakersfield? Ice Cream Cakersfield. Pullian Farms and Ice Cream Cakersfield, dude. They went to middle school together. Man, I wish my name was Ian Ice Cream Cakersfield. Yeahian Farms and Ice Cream Cakersfield, dude. They went to middle school together. Man, I wish my name was Ian Ice Cream Cakersfield.

Yeah, that would be great. My nickname was Ice Cream? Damn. If you started saying it, people would believe it. I'm going to start saying it. When I thought I was in a gang. You're going to manifest this shit. There was a dude that we called Ice Cream when I thought I was in a gang.

Really? Yeah. Did you call him it because he was so sweet? Probably because he started calling himself Ice Cream. Man, my initials are IK in a gang. Really? Yeah. Did you call him it because he was so sweet? Probably because he started calling himself Ice Cream. Man, my initials are IK. I'm not going to tell you guys to start calling me Ice Cream because you can't tell someone to do that. You can't do that.

Listen, Ice Cream, you can't do that. I'm just saying. I'll respond to it. It makes Ian Ice Cream Carmel. Yeah, Ice Cream Carmel. I'm just saying I'll respond to it. Yeah, yeah. That's one of the things I'll respond to it. Yeah, yeah. That's one of the things I respond to.

It's a growing list, dude. If you yell out ice cream at the Glendale Galleria while we're walking to Panda Express, I'll turn my head around. Ice cream! And I'll be like, yeah, what's up? And I'm like, I'm right next to you, dog. Oh, hey, what's up, Sean? Yeah, I'll go to chic with you and buy some sweatshorts.

Let's go to the Gucci store, dude. Spill on some shit. Yeah, it's my favorite kind of cake. I don't really like cake that much, but I love ice cream, and I love it in that sort of atypical shape. It's just enough cake. And the mint chocolate chip has just always been my favorite flavor of ice cream. I just fucking love it.

I've heard it called mint bonbon as well. I won't that i won't go down that road with you it's the best cake and ice cream together it's so good they make each other better they really do fucking it's they're both gray both of them on their own are a little there but they're lacking you feel you know it's like when uh fucking like i don't know like if hall put out an album well my mom would be stoked yeah my mom doesn't like oh she go i was i saw we saw hall and oats one time i was telling my mom she goes oh that's cool i really like hall like oh she just did some shit i'm like yeah have you seen that on stage yet that's very funny oh i like hall yeah dude like oats did some shit she also likes uh bucked I did this,

she likes Buck Cherry. Oh, yeah. It's fucking gnarly. She's into some weird shit now. She likes Marilyn, not that it's weird, but for like a 60-year-old. Yeah.

Anyway. She also likes Love, but not Boosh. Yeah. She likes C, but not the other C from Music Factory. Yeah.

She loves the Ace, not Keen on the bass. She likes Belle Biv, loves DeVoe. Loves DeVoe. Loves DeVoe. You're not going to not love Ronnie DeVoe. She loves DeVoe. It was a different time.

Michael Bivens. Michael Bivens, take him home. Michael Belair, I believe, whatever. Is it Michael Bivens and Michael Belair and Ronnie DeVoe? Is that what it is? It's definitely Michael Bivens and Ronnie DeVoe. Definitely is. I don't know Belle.

Sean, let's have your fourth pick. I'm going to pick, I'm going my dessert, even though I do have a weed brownie on there, but that's for my body high. I'm going to pick deep fried Twinkies from Fire on the Mountain. I'm going to pick a whole big mess of them. I've only had like half a one ever, and they put me down way too hard, but this is my last meal. You're really trying to push the limits at the end, huh?

Yeah, dude. Yeah. See? That's why you got gotta live a life worth living. Yes, explore the world while you're still here. I'm living a pretty... I'm thrilled about it, but... Eat some raw fish, dude.

Go running, dude. Have fun. I'm not saying all that. Just like 30 of them. They're not all getting eaten, but they're there. Just housing them? Like Cool Hand Luke with Twinkies? Yeah, and I'm probably not eating all of them. They're not all getting eaten, but they're there. Just housing them? They're just right there. Like Cool Hand Luke with Twinkies? Yeah, and I'm probably not eating all of them.

I'm leaving the butt ends. What's it called? The bread? The butt end? Oh, the heel. The heel. I'm leaving the heel. Those are going.

You're eating deep fried Twinkies like they have like a... Those are going to the guards. Like it's an apple pit? Wait, you're eating it from the middle? Like that parade? I'll eat it like corn on the cob, like that Mr. Burrito. We all had a night at the Roost one night. We came back here, the three of us.

No, no, no, no, no. We had a night in fucking Culver City, dude. Oh, that was proper. We were playing shuffleboard. We had a night. Got a bunch of Taco Bell, came back here, woke up. We ordered $80 from Taco Bell on Postmates. Holy shit.

So I figured out, I think it was $87. But that was because- Where we were, right? I think what happened was we were on the Uber back from this bar on the west side. And I was like, here's Taco Bell. I'm going to time it perfectly. I want it there. So I think my Postmates, even though I had it delivered to the house, I think it-

They probably followed us. I think it ordered from the Postmates that was closest to where we were on the 405. So some dude was like, I guess I'll go from the Getty to Glendale. Anyway, the crux of the story, though, is... We wake up, and there's a big burrito in there,

like one of those XXXL steak burritos, with a bite out of the middle, like it's corn on the cob. And we don't know who did it. It was just sitting there and I'm like, it easily could have been me. That's a king move. You bite it and then you just walk

on, you keep walking. That's like a way you see the world. You know what I mean? That's the way to like, imagine walking around looking at burritos like, yeah, I'll bite that motherfucker. I've never thought about it. Yeah. I've never even thought about it.

Because it's absurd. It's the fast food equivalent of ivory hunting an elephant. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. Right. It's not going to make you any hornier. You're disrespecting something that's very, very important to me. You just pop one bite out of the middle of it and throw it away. The rest of the burrito is ruined after you cut its ends off.

Yeah, it's not even salgable. No, because no one's going to be like, well, I guess I'll eat the fucking heels of the burrito is ruined. This one's a glorious creature. It's not even salgible. No, because no one's going to be like, well, I guess I'll eat the fucking heels of the burrito. It can't live in the wild like that. Yeah. So anyway, that's how I'm eating these Twinkies, and the rest of them are going at the guards. Like, fucking fuck you.

Of all the things I thought might get picked from that establishment, I didn't think the Twinkies were it. Yeah. That is true. I love Twinkies. And I eat Twinkies all the time. And it's one of those foods where you can't let anyone see you eat it. No, no, no.

They're so gnarly. I'll eat it in the car outside 7-Eleven. And it's too literally gulp, gulp. It's like a cartoon. They're gone. It's fucking saccharine vanilla. I bought Laura. Laura's got a sweet tooth.

I'll buy over the holidays where I'll get a box of Twinkies and be like, I'll have one of these. I eat five or six of them. It's so fucking moist. I love them. They hurt my teeth. I don't know what it is. It's the sugar.

The 4,000 grams of sugar. It makes me like... All you gotta do is deep fry that. It'll make your teeth feel great. So now when you deep fry it, does the cream turn to like liquid that you could take a shot of? I do it with my bare hand

and I put my hand in the fryer. That's how you became a Cobra Kai. You got to earn it, dude. You got to burn it. Yeah, just eat the whole motherfucker. I don't know what happens when they deep fry it. Some wizard gets their hands on it. Some heretic sprinkles it with deep fry sauce, and it's dank.

It is kind of. It's a little liquefied. It's a little more liquidy. Yeah. But then it firms back up quick because it's unholy. Yeah, it's good. Richard, how about you with a fourth pick? Fourth pick, I'm going to go dessert to desserts to cherry cheesecake.

Oh, classic. Cherry cheesecake. Oh, classic. Cherry cheesecake. Classic. I mean, my mom used to make those fucking shitty jell-o. The one from the Philly box? Yeah. Yeah, my mom used to make those, too. They were fire, though.

They were delicious. They were fire. They were delicious. Of all the food my mom made off of boxes, I feel like the cheesecake was probably like- Doesn't have to be complicated. Oh, my God. It was so good. As a kid and she would take me to delis and i'd always get a piece of cheesecake

and i it's just one of those like not only is it just delicious because i'm i'm a fat lazy man but uh it's just like nostalgic it's like what you. I think about my mom all the time when I eat cheesecake because it was like our favorite dessert together. God, it's so good. Can you imagine how hype people were when the cheesecake first came out? Yo, that shit must have been like, what is this? It must have been like the first time you played Grand Theft Auto 3. Yeah, you're like, what the fuck?

Yo, I don't even know how to explain it. Just come over. Yeah, it's cake, but it's not cake. It's cheese, but it's not cheese. It's cheese, but it's not cheese. You can have sex with prostitutes in it. In the game. Just come to my house. And then somebody invented the word decadent.

Yeah. Yeah, cheesecake fucking rips, dude. That's another thing I didn't like until later in life. Like, what, 25 probably or something? I was like, yeah, cheesecake's good. I didn't like the texture. the Cheesecake Factory, but they fucking

cheese a good cake, dude. They also deep fry a good wing. Yeah, they do. That's good. Everything they do is pretty good. Everything they do. People, I hadn't been to one

until like a year ago. People shit on that place. It's amazing. Losers do. It's because it's got such a big menu that people assume they can't do anything right.

And yeah, you're not going to get like the kind of fucking chow mein or whatever you're gonna get in shanghai you don't have any michelin stars i'm not looking for that you know looking to go to a movie afterwards and sleep halfway through it you know one of those things i get the chicken carbonara and it's over 3 000 calories they like say it on a half they're like warning warning warning you you're flashing the you're on a date you might not want to do this it's like they have a list of all the bathrooms nearby you're gonna get real sweaty soon because your body can't deal with this much energy she's's gonna taste it on you. You're gonna sweat this later. I know it's for my own good,

but the fact that they started putting calories on shit really bummed my shit out. You have the cheesecake back? Yeah, do it some places, but when I'm at Carl's Jr. at 2am, they should turn the calories off. We all know. We know what we're doing here.

This is the healthiest thing I've done tonight. So just like, because I'm eating anything. The calorie sign. Shut the calorie sign off. That'd be so funny. Hey, shut the fucking calorie sign off. I'm going to go through again and when I come back, I better not see any fucking calories

on the whole menu. I'll ask you something, Jake. Do you respect me? Do you respect me? Do you respect me? Hey, Jake, how many calories in your goddamn attitude, huh? Fucking childish. Bird box disorder. I got two knuckle sandwiches

in my car at about 50 apiece. Yeah, dude. They're spoiled. They're spoiled rotten. The lean protein, Jake. Man, I got a picture of Jake in my mind. I don't like him.

I don't know. He liked to get wet. Do you guys like toppings on your cheesecake, though? I do. Do you like, I got a picture of Jake in my mind. I don't like him. He likes to get wet. Do you guys like toppings on your cheesecake? I do. I like a drizzle. You can do anything. I like all the crazy cheesecakes. I like peanut butter cheesecakes.

I'm with it. You can put Fruit Loops on mine. I don't care. I'll go nuts. I love that graham sort of crust. Oh my god. It's so good. It's so fucking good. Like a key lime pie is a cheesecake, basically.

Yeah. You know? And like that, I fucking love with like the... I like it when my cheesecake is like four different things. Yeah. And you take the fork and you just... It's like you're summiting K2 and you just get all of them. Yeah.

And then you're like... Yeah. I'll have some whipped cream on the end and jab it in the whipped cream. That's when they ask you a cheesecake. They go, you want whipped cream? And I'm like, what? Get the fuck out of here. I'm sorry, do I have a pulse, my friend?

No, I'm watching my figure. Why don't you go outside and bring me another waiter? I'm sorry, I thought I came to the Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, I don't know, I came to Cheesecake First Day. Not the punk-ass Cheesecake Boutique. I just did a $9,000 egg roll, but no, I'm going to skip the whipped cream. I'm going to lay up dessert. I had six milkshakes,

Jeremy. You know me right now. It's Thursday. You know what I want. Yeah, I'm up by six runs. I'm going to bunt, I guess, aren't I? I just had food from both ends of the Asian continent in one restaurant. You think I can be contained without whip cream? You think that will

feed this hunger? By then, my shirt's off. Heart off. Oh, yeah, for sure. Got a butter knife in my hand. I just invented some shit called General Tso's Spaghetti, and you're asking me if I want whipped cream. General Tso's Spaghetti.

That's when you know you're really not giving a fuck. They're asking you like, hey man, can we put this on the menu? No. No, I'm going to open up shop right across the street. That's like when you order and you start with, you ready? Yeah. Okay, you ready? I've done that at Taco Bell.

Go back. Get a ballpoint pen. Get a ballpoint pen. This shit's about to explode your shit. I don't see you writing it. Let me write it down. Yeah, just write it down. Let me write it down.

Any order that starts with you ready is about to get fucking hectic. Oh, that's very funny. You ready? Oh, my cheeks. Oh, that's very funny. You ready? Oh, my cheeks. Oh, man. I'm all, whoa. Cherry cheesecake. David, it's time for your fourth and then your final picks.

I'm all dizzy. My fourth pick. Oh, yeah. My fourth pick, my dessert. I'm going with a thick ass pecan pie. Love it. Like hot pecan pie with some French vanilla ice cream on top. Fuck yes.

I like just, since I was a kid, I've always loved pecan pie. I love the texture. That gooey. I love how it's kind of buttery and just so sweet. Like with the molasses flavor, but it's got that crunch. Yeah. And then with the cold ice cream on top and it starts melting in. My grandma, we had pecan trees

growing up. Oh shit. And so like we would literally pick pecans off the ground and like eat them. Oh my god. If they were right. If they weren't green or whatever. But like my grandma would make like homemade pecan pie. So fucking good.

It's truly one of my favorite dishes of all time. And with ice cream on top too. camp pie so fucking good it's truly one of my favorite dishes it's so fun it's such a and it's like like and with ice cream on top too yeah and it's like you know i'm a savory guy it's like the perfect it's got it's got a savory menu yeah it's like it's it's so good so yeah that's how i'd close that out and then to drink to smother all this yeah because what the fuck do i give a fuck about a hangover for? My fifth pick, a jug of Carla Rossi. Whoa! Whole jug. And I'm twisting it over my forearm. Yes, sir.

In the crook of my arm. Yes, sir. And I'm tipping it back like that. Full M in honor? Yeah. I'm just hitting the Chablis. I'm gonna have fucking wine mouth. Oh, my God. Hitting the Chablis, dude. Yeah, that's like my ninth grade.

Yeah, mine too. I still love it. It's just, it makes your head hurt. The hangover. Well, that sugar, dude. It's just so gnarly. But it's not that sweet when you're drinking it. Like, Carla Rossi on ice is delicious.

Oh, no, hey. I'm with you. But it's a hot, hot hangover. Yeah. But I'm going to die, so, you know. Yeah. You're just like, you feel like you're burping sulfur in it. No, I know.

I'm going to say it like this is why it's perfect for that. I almost want it in like a Big Gulp cup full of ice. Yeah. So like on ice in a Big Gulp cup. Hell yeah. And then I'm just sipping that throughout. You're drinking a white wine. I definitely want it on ice.

Or no, I'd take the red, too. I'd take any. I definitely want it on ice. Or no, I take the red too. I'd really take any jug. Carlo Rossi. It was just the one that we could walk out of the grocery store with. We did that shit too. Nobody even cares. What are you going to chase down this kid who's drinking Carlo Rossi?

Have fun, kid. It's your own funeral. Bet you end up on death row in 15 years. When we found out they weren't allowed to touch you, we stole so much alcohol. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Beer runs were like a normal thing. All the time.

Oh, good. Yeah. You never did them, right? We did a Yahoo. We always had older friends that could buy it. We never really had to do that. Did it a couple times for fun. I didn't have a lot of fun doing it.

We had to do it all the time. I had a blast. But I've been very immune to consequence for most of my life. We were with skating, we were always lucky enough when I was 15, 16 we had Stotter Oak.

He was 23 or some shit. He didn't give a rip. Was he charging you markup though? No, they never did. They were cool. We'd just kick it at their house. That's why we never got in any real trouble. If we ever drank, we'd do it at their house, watch skate videos, and then trip home. I used to shoulder tap.

I used to shoulder tap. We'd wait outside, and if the guy looked kind of cool or whatever, shoulder tap him. And usually, he'd do it. But recently, I had kids do it to me. I would never. And I denied them so fast. It would be so scary. It's not worth it.

It would just not be worth it. It seems like a bigger deal. Is that fucked up to say? It feels like it's a bigger deal. I think you're right. You feel like you're going to get more trouble for it now. I think so too. Because back in the day you get caught.

Who got it for you? Some dude at the store? I feel like it's a bigger deal in a bigger city. We couldn't really... Drunk driving was about the only thing that was going to happen to us, but we didn't even have cars. You said that like that's not a big deal. No, it is, but we weren't going to be able to do that.

So we weren't going to be able to go get in any real trouble. There wasn't any real trouble to be had. We just would get drunk and go to someone's house. I feel like in LA, you could go get in some real shit if you felt like it. Oh, I don't know. You could find drugs. I don't know. I don't agree with that.

I'm sure you guys were doing all kinds of fucked up shit. Don't Mayberry your bullshit. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 11? Don't come in there with that. Oh, we couldn't. We were just going to go home and eat graham crackers. Me and Punk Rock's sausage face.

We were going to put brandy in our chocolate milk. We don't even. Oh, oh, rather than. Bullshit. Yeah, you guys got an NBA G League team. You're big enough to get in trouble. Oh, we weren't going to do anything. Well, egg on my face, huh?

In the shower, no less. Eat a fucking fried egg sandwich in there. Jugger Carlo Rossi, amazing pick. Man, I still remember one night, it was like freshman year in the dorms, and our RA drank like a whole jug of red wine. Was your RA like one of those cool RAs? He barfed all over his room,

and we had to help him clean it, because he'd gotten us out of some scrapes. I'm like, I'm not going to turn my back on this guy, yeah. Because he's not 21 either. God, that's buck. Babies watching babies. Yeah, that's so

gnarly. Me and Nampay and this other dude who like, oh fuck. At the time it was funny, but looking back there was this guy on the football team, this kicker from Cakersfield, no less. Oh shit. Who used to fucking make martinis and put them in his water bottle and go lift weights with the football team.

Martinis are so gross. Martinis are so gross. Your body is so good when you're young. So good. I had friends that would drink Mad Dog 2020 before school. Why? And I'm like, what?

Banana Red? Yeah. Before school? Yeah, what's your plan? What's your end game? What's noon like for you? What's two? You know?

It's funny knowing, being an adult, knowing what alcohol smells like, where there's not supposed to be any alcohol. Like, say, a classroom in high school. Oh, it's so bad. You know the teacher's like, somebody is drinking Mad Dog, and this whole room smells like Mad Dog. I was high on

weed every day, but weed's fine. Alcohol is like, you're fucking drunk in chemistry? It's insane. You do some stupid shit. There's open flames on there sometimes. Maybe let's look at some teachers. Because I remember having some kids who

would be drunk at school and teachers just being oblivious to it somehow. And you're like, this little boy is drunk. Or what about the teachers that wanted to be cool? I bet you there's more of those than we thought. Who didn't want to be a snitch? Yeah, wanted to fake out.

I would gear it more towards lazy. He's the cool teacher. He doesn't care about me. make out. I would gear it more towards like lazy. Maybe. He's the cool teacher. He doesn't care about me. I'm going to have to go to free meetings. I'm going to have to fill a bunch of paperwork. I know your dad's a dick.

I do not want him back here. Or I can let you go to German and Herr Schmidt will catch you. He's a prick. He'll tell everybody. He'll talk to your fucking dad. Herr Schmidt's going through a divorce. He hates everyone. Richard, how about your final pick?

Final pick. I'm going for it. I'm i'm gonna say it i get it all the time eggs benedict till i fucking die friends with bannies dude hell yeah i love hollandaise sauce i love it i fuck it's a little tangy it's a little i can eat it in the morning i can eat it at four in the morning yeah i can eat it why don't we have holl at four in the morning yeah i can eat it why don't we have hollandaise with more stuff what else are you gonna put i don't know we're bad can we just put it on some other shit i mean like i think i've had it on a dish i was maybe gonna take but it's called but i won't and i know you won't it's uh or you want it's a salmon croquette i was gonna say i thought you could put it on a fish oh no that was a cheese sauce though but you can't put on a fish you can put on a poached salmon that sounds good yeah say I thought you could put it on a fish. No, that was a cheese sauce, though. But you can put it on a fish. You can put it on a poached salmon.

That sounds good. Yeah. I feel like you could get away with putting it on some stuff. An omelet, probably. Yeah, omelet. A munchie meal from Jack in the Box. Any one of them. Fucking shitload of fries, bro.

You just dip baked lays in it, too. Tortilla, probably. Sounds great on a tortilla. It all sounds great on a tortilla. It all sounds great on a tortilla. Just standing there, letting the shower heat up. Portland has a handful of holidays, dipping your tea.

I love it. Right. And red room in the mirror and then opening your door a little bit. My door. You don't want to come into my room. If I see you eating in the bathroom You're going to be drinking Ensure for the next three months That was pretty funny

I'm putting on the riot gear you don't know I don't have I'll drink a Moose for breakfast You just come out with like A beat in your chest with a spike bat A face mask on Eggs Benny Were you saying there's some really good stuff in Portland? Yes with a beat in your chest with a spike bat and a face mask on. Eggs Benny, were you saying there's some really good stuff in Portland?

Yes. There's a couple places in Portland. You ever go to Salty's? Salty's. These sound made up. What? Salty and Scavone's? Yes, Salty and Scavone's. You ever go to Shifty's?

Yummy place? I like salty and skivones. You ever go to Shifty's? Yeah. Yummy place. Yeah, I like Bags Benedict at Choops. Oh, Captain Num Num's Brunchatorium. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Slappy's Frozen Bananas. There was a Slappy's. There was a Slappy's. What are you guys doing up there?

What about Tasty and Sons? Slappy Cake. Tasty and Sons is made up. No, it's real. What? And it's amazing. It's one of the best restaurants in Portland. Can you give me two brunch brats and a lie right now and I try to pick one?

Yes. Okay, okay. The Hungry Lion. Okay. The Tin Shed. Okay. And Bee Sauce. Oh, fuck.

Jesus, I'm from Portland. I don't even know I'm gonna say the lie is the tin shit the hungry lion is the lie it's right there in the name it's like the end of fucking usual suspects you fucking scarlet lettered me

you motherfucker oh man alright there are some fake places shut up and eats another place in Portland that sounds fake I'm a letter to me, you motherfucker. Kaiser sausage. Oh, man. All right. There are some fake places. Shut Up and Eat's another place in Portland that sounds fake. Fried Egg, I'm in Love With You, although I think that closed. Yeah. But it was real.

It was a food court. Got divorced. Got divorced. Sean, time for your final pick. Chocolate Milk. Nice. Do you have a brand? I get Lakeside Dairy, I guess, is the one in South Dakota, but I don't know.

It's all good. Whatever the shit they sell at Kroger's is good. I used to always love that Dairy Gold chocolate milk. I just like chocolate milk a whole bunch. I always have, and I don't really do it a lot. I love chocolate milk. Why don't you do it? I don't know.

I've been getting one of those little ones, like a single serving chocolate milk. A little moo? I. A little moo? I'll do that on the way back from the store. I'm like, hmm, you know? Yeah. I'm going to watch Deadwood. I'll fucking get a Yoo-Hoo every now and then. Oh, I love a Yoo-Hoo.

I like Yoo-Hoo, but Yoo-Hoo's not chocolate milk. You're right. It's like a weird watery. It's like a water malt. It's a water malt. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.

Chocolate milk, I'm thinking like a gallon. I'm just going gonna pull out the gallon ice cold it's delicious and it's just the right amount of thickness would you do milk or chocolate milk in school chocolate milk when I could we didn't have the option

every day people would though people would get milk like little psychos people would get skim milk those are the kids where you're already trying to look cool I don't think. People would, though. People would get milk like little psychos. People would get skim milk. Yeah. Those are the kids where you're already trying to look cool. Those guys went to the cops and tried to report shit that didn't, you know what I mean? I got nothing today, but I will come back. Those kids were fucking home on it.

Yeah, just coming back like, officer, one of these days I'm going to have something to stitch on. I'll have something for you. You know, I keep digging. Those are the kids who told on you for stealing an extra jump rope for heart t-shirt. I went to jump rope for heart. Yeah, everybody did. Hell yeah.

Also hoops for heart. Oh, we saw Dare set up outside of Whole Foods the other day. They're back. Oh, they're recruiting now? Dare is back. Of course. Trump's America. God.

They set their sights on the wrong two dudes. They've been recruiting me for years, man. Dare and CAA. They both try to poach me. Maybe that shouldn't have said have said there is one of the most not working ass things of all time there's no business people listening this far in it's all fans i i fucking dude i spoke at my dare graduation and smoked weed like one year later we were talking about this they they act like weed is as bad as like crack and heroin yeah that was the

problem right and then you find out weed's fine and you're like what else was a lot and they don't even bring up alcohol they don't even mention it really i mean maybe they do but i don't remember it it's just you blocked it out yeah i'm like that was great they said it they were saying it there go drink we had a dare van did you guys have a van yeah like pulled up and that you walk through and it's got real drugs in a glass case yeah yeah like oh that's what crack looks like yeah what a weird thing to do it was so weird they pass around a perfectly rolled joint and they're like that's what a perfect joint looks like it's pretty dope but they all had corvettes they were like seized from drug dealers i'm like tight man drug dealers drug And I'm like, tight, man. So drug dealers rule? Drug dealers are Ford Corvettes?

Yeah, school doesn't make a good job of making drug dealing seem not cool as you know. That looks dank. So you're like, you're saying I could have a boat for a while. Because like, as a kid, I'm like, this is all an upside. Yeah, everything's going my way. I could not have a boat for my whole life. Or I could have a boat for four years life where I could have a boat for four years and then three hots and a cot for two.

Yeah, and then the government takes it and I don't work for a couple years. That sounds all right. I get a couple nicknames. I get in some fights. Learn a couple things about myself. Then I come out and I'm happy every day for the rest of my life.

You wrote an ending song. That's a way to write that story. One way to paint that picture. Real. That's how it goes for most people. Real low key. Get out and get a job. So you're drinking

chocolate milk. Do you ever fuck with the other milk? Strawberry, banana. I love it. I love strawberry milk. Do you guys remember when Nesquik did

cookies and cream milk for a second? Yes. I do. That shit was wild. You know, I was thinking about today, though,

when I was writing this, is if they never had blueberry milk, that'd be kind of fun. Yeah, I bet it would be. I bet it would be. I never liked any, I never liked banana,

strawberry, any of that, but I think blueberry would be good. Yeah, that bet it would be. I never liked any, I never liked banana, strawberry, any of that, but I think blueberry would be good. Yeah, that would work. And I'll tell you what rumor needs to stop getting spread. And if you got kids, tell your kids. Because this, because I used to, you know, people would be like, you know, chocolate milk is like, it was the milk that had blood in it, so they

would like dye it a different color. I never heard that. I never heard that. Even if that's true, even if you're a member of the fucking Future Farmers of America or you own a dairy cow or whatever the fuck,

shut up. It's delicious. I never heard that. Even if that rumor's true, shut the fuck up. I don't think it is. That is gnarly. It's definitely not true.

It can't be true, but that is gnarly. It's like deer blood in Jaeger. Right. Urban legend. Right, it's an urban legend. Just shut that down. We used to go kill deers and put the blood in the Jaeger. Oh, hell yeah.

You can add your own blood. That's not what we're saying. I add some sweat and tears while I'm at it. There you go. I've got a damn rock album over here. Time for my final pick. The final pick of the draft. And I'm just going to eat a big mess of mushrooms.

Whoa. You're like, at the end of your meal, you're like, take me to jail. In this death row meal, I'm just assuming I can get whatever I want. But I just want to be okay with death. I'm going to be a little bit hammered. I'm going to be full of my favorite food. My mom's lasagna, orange chicken, and ice cream cake. And I'm just going to be like, you can't even die

so this is fine. You might as well take a couple pounds. Just like a lot. And it's like, yeah, fucking whatever. Let me lose this corporate... If you take too much, too many mushrooms, can you like OD and die on mushrooms? I don't think so.

Why are you asking questions like a cop that's a cop question dude whoa and if you were like if you if this was real where were you like who would you get your mushrooms from like what would their name be can we get there in like what's like i don't know do you want some mushrooms just say you want some mushrooms what's the social security number if this was real like what time would you go get them tonight you know like do they have any dogs do they have like are they gun owners do they own dogs I feel like you would have put in your request before tonight

if that was the case do they have any dogs have you never eaten mushrooms I've done all the shitty drugs like crack and meth and stuff you're so upside but I've never done like acid or, you're so upside. Oh, cool. You're so upside. Well, no, but I've never done like acid or mushrooms.

You're so upside down in what you're experiencing. We didn't have them really. We had, you know, the shitty drugs. I feel you. I mean. I bet you like sushi afterwards.

Probably. I, you know, I did Molly once. It was tight. I didn't think, but mushrooms, yeah, what a great idea. It's also kind of a cheat.

I know that. I know it's a cheat to buy drugs that you eat. It's a food. this is a fantasy i am doing this isn't a fantasy three hits of liquid acid on all of my choices on everything right before i eat yeah yeah we're fine richard's got his hand way up in the air by the way just so we're okay also uh i've put these in a ruben yeah just like a two foot long room just a big ass room what is the weirdest thing you've ever eaten mushrooms you know like cover them yeah you know like how do you do that i put them in a i i went and saw the comedians of comedy tour yeah back in like i just started comedy it was pat and zach it was like oh the whole thing when

they came to portland this was in north carolina okay yeah the cat's cradle i forget what it had to be like 2003 or four i don't remember but i had mushrooms and i'm like i just started comedy i make a fucking t-shirt that says sign my shirt zach i'm 20 years old yeah i'm an idiot and like it's a i love zach alphanakis already and like i i say make this shirt i get it ate the mushrooms i book go buy a double cheeseburger from burger king yes and i put all the mushrooms in the burger wrap the burger back up put it in my pocket what i walk into the show and the bouncer goes you know i paid my admission i showed my id and then he like patted me down and he's like what's this and i go oh it's a cheeseburger and he goes oh okay and he like

let me in he kind of like felt sorry for me yeah Because you needed a hint during the show. Hey, man, I'm broke. This is all I got. I'll tell you what. I ate that burger, and that was one of the fucking best shows I've ever seen in my life. Of course it was. It was so good. The first time I ever ate mushrooms, I ate them in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Peanut butter is great. Yeah, it was great for it. I guess I've never had anything weird. I've definitely eaten them on their own quite a few times. Oh, yeah. Dirt. I think it's stuck in your teeth. I put them on dirt.

They're sticky and chewy, right? They're gross. It's disgusting. And they hit your stomach kind of hard. They hit hard. I got teeth. Do they make you have to poop? Or are you just going to stomach perfect?

Like, just... I get a little nauseous in the beginning. Yeah, me too. Just putting them down is rough. It passes. What if you just swallow them and don't chew it? Does that matter? I don't know.

It's just they're so dry. I don't think they would just go. Like, you're going to taste them, man. I've had friends put them in capsules and full on so they don't have to taste them at all. Yeah, that's what I like. And then you can control the dose. You're getting these all from the same guy, all three of you? Why are you copping out?

I'm just trying to act like a cop, David. Trying. The narc in him cannot be with me. You guys are all taking the same car to go get these? Or what are we doing? Are we calling a Lyft? Do any of you sell once you get here? We all know Sean's been working vice for years.

As a comedian. Kyle, what if you were in the midst of a Donnie Brasco case? A 10-year siege on mushrooms? You're just trying to bust Zach for buying $80 worth of weed every month? The killer weed bust of the century? Sean's with his chief like, I'm dying out here. You have to catch him in the act. Sean's like, I'm eating Hormel chili every day.

I'm going to bed before them, Chief. I don't even know Laura. Laura's one of the cops, too. Yeah, she's just a cardboard cutout, man. So that's the draft. We picked some amazing stuff to start. Good draft, man. Good topic.

Good topic, Patreon. I need everything. David, you went first. You took four crispy burritos from Taco Time, a chorizo super quesadilla from Taqueria Cancun, a peanut butter soup with jasmine rice, a thick-ass pecan pie, and a jug of Carlo Rossi.

Hell yeah. Richard, you went second. You took a grilled cheese and tomato bisque, fried chicken, peanut pad thai, cherry cheesecake, and eggs benedict. Damn, that's a pretty well-rounded list. Damn, that's good. I'm so hungry.

I know, me too. Sean, you went third. You took a chicken fried steak with white gravy, a big brownie full of weed. Full of weed. Stranger. You're the one, you don't smoke weed, you don't eat weed. Just thought it'd be interesting. You're not, you're the one, you don't smoke weed

and you don't eat weed. Just thought it'd be interesting. But on your way to meet your maker. Admittedly, weed freaks you out. You said it. You say you have a pan like that

but you even hit one joint. I do get real scared. Yeah, yeah. And what you're doing is doing the shit we're afraid of. And you live with me. You know how much weed I smoke

and you can gather just from the, come on, dog. I'm out here. can gather just from the... I've been around, David. I'm out here. David's in the streets. I get it. Smoking weed right now. Like, I'm scared.

Like, if I see a brownie, I'm like, because I don't know how much. I might freak out. Anyway, that's what you're having. Monte Cristo, though. We don't know about that. Deep fried Twinkies. Chocolate milk. I went last, and I took my mom's lasagna.

Vodka-soaked watermelon. Panned express orange chicken. milk. I went last and I took my mom's lasagna, vodka soaked watermelon, pan-expressed orange chicken, mint chocolate chip ice cream cake, and then a bunch of magic mushrooms. Or, if you think that's cheating, a Reuben. The Reuben that they're on. Or in a Reuben. Reuben stuttered. We left amazing stuff. I mean, we left all the

food in the world on the board. Every restaurant. It's so many. I had that brunch box. The hamburger with a bun is a grilled cheese sandwich on each end. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That thing will fucking put you down. They did that with a Juicy Lucy in the middle and named it after me. It was one of my proudest moments.

Yeah, that's sick. It was on sale for a short time. I had a 7-Up cake on there. Also, red velvet cake. Ooh, 7-Up cake is the shit, dude. 7-Up cake is the shit. I just got turned on to that. I don't know if I've had 7-Up cake on there. Also red velvet cake. Ooh, 7-Up cake is the shit, dude. 7-Up cake is the shit. I just got turned on to that. I don't know if I've had 7-Up.

It's very moist. I used to make it. It's so good. It's like, because I think it's like pound cake, but with 7-Up instead of water. But it's like, oh, it's so fucking good. Wow, that sounds pretty gnarly. My friend got me one, and I was like, what the fuck have I been missing out on? Yeah, and just like white frosting and then with

coconut sprinkle on top usually. But yeah, I had steak. I had all this stuff. I had like a big, big beef pot pie on there. I've always thought it would be just a huge caveman pot pie. Sushi would be amazing. I had ribs.

Like a rack of ribs. Oh, ribs. Like a big The Rock's Cheap Me of like the rack oh ribs but like a big the rocks cheat meal boat of sushi oh god that dude can eat you follow him on instagram man he puts up his cheat meal sundays and it's like enough sushi no shit for a family i mean it's a battleship like a big like a like a family i believe it's wild yeah and then he'll put like three huge peanut butter cookies on there, too. And just like cheat day. And he's still, you know what he looks like.

And I was chicken wings. I can't believe we didn't take. And then the other one was fried pickles beers from Fire on the Mountain. God, they're so good. With the Chipotle dipping sauce. Oh, fuck yeah. Fire on the Mountain. Yeah, I also wanted deep fried microwave chimichangas.

I love those. Oh, yeah. Those are so good. I love chimichangas. I love. Oh yeah. Those are so good. I love chimichangas because of their, yeah, it's just crispy burrito. That is. Those like microwave chimis from the grocery store are so good.

I'm telling you, you hit it with the deep fryer, change your life. I did money. Yeah. They're good. A day after kind of food. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Soak up the flavor. Yeah. Just meatballs. Well, fuck. We're also fucking Soak up the flavor. Yeah. Just meatballs. Well, fuck, we're all so fucking hungry.

Oh, meatballs, dude. I know. Mozzarella sticks. I do. I love to pick your, his fucking meatballs,

dude. He makes these meatballs with, can I say what you make with? Yeah, absolutely. I found them on the internet. I can't remember. Oh,

that's all right. Thank you for asking. Or jelly and gravy, jelly and barbecue sauce. Good. Oh, really? It's like, yeah, sweet for asking. Jelly and gravy. Jelly and barbecue sauce. Good. So good. Oh, really? It's like, yeah.

Sweet and savory. It's sweet and savory. It's the easiest thing. I heat up three things. If you get the pre-made meatballs from Trader Joe's, the turkey ones, you get a fucking jar of cheap-ass grape jelly and then a bottle of fucking barbecue sauce and you mix it all together, put it in a slow cooker and that's it. It's perfect. They're delicious. I love

sweet savory. It's really one of my favorite kind of contrasts. It's so fucking good. Amazing. We're all so hungry right now. We've got to wrap it up. I haven't had dinner. I'm excited. Send us yours, All Fantasy Everything listeners at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter.

AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com Send us yours, All Fantasy Everything listeners, at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter, allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Yep, hit us up. Send us yours. We want to see them. Shout out to our super producer Marissa on the ones and twos. We'll be back in the studio soon. Very soon. Our Canadian friend.

We miss you so much. I miss her since it's been so long. Yeah, I know. It really has. It's been a long time. She's probably got a long, full beard by now. For real, very, very, very sincere, honest. Barry Derrison.

Thank you so much to everybody who is donating on the Patreon. I mean, I'm going to say it every single week, but I just don't want it to fall on deaf ears. It's going to change my life for sure. I'll say that, guaranteed, because I won't have to work my job. And that's amazing. And it's going to get busted by the FDIC. And I am. Can't wait.

Then we can go to those mushrooms we were talking about, right? Yeah. Buy some shirts on TeePublic. We get a small amount of money for it, but more than anything, we love seeing you out there in it. Yeah, that's the best thing. I just saw like two shirts up in Santa Cruz. Damn, I can't wait to see them. I've never seen one in the wild.

As soon as you start going out. I saw a couple on deck the other night and they're soft, man. It was weird to the dude. I was walking, hey, can I feel this? Before he said yes, I'm feeling it. Like, you know, it was a good shirt.

Your face is on a shirt, so that's weird. Sue Carmel's rocking one, the 100% bar mitzvah and everything. She's tight. But shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Thank you so much.

Fucking keep a lookout for the AFE watch alongdit thank you so much fucking keep a keep a lookout for the AFE watch along it's going to be a little bit later than the 15th this month not very late on account of that we had some pots

on the stove but you know we always get it out to you before the month is over we're going to record it in like two or three days or something some of your business

when we record it alright he's a good cop I'll bad cop you some of your fucking business alright no I'm not a cop we got your money what are you talking about I'm not a cop I'm not a cop I got I'll bad cop you. It's none of your fucking business, all right? No, I'm not a cop. We got your money.

What are you talking about? I'm not a cop. I'm not a cop. I got tattoos. Would a cop have tattoos? I have a rap sheet. No, a cop wouldn't have tribal tattoos. I got a goatee.

I didn't even graduate college. I got a dyed goatee. Would a cop have that? What do you mean, narcos? What is that? Is that a documentary? I got shoes with heel lifts. A couple different kinds of swords, you know? what do you mean narcos what is that is that a documentary I got shoes with heel lifts so a cop wouldn't have that

a couple different kinds of swords you know no but for real it will be coming soon it's gonna be really funny yeah so thank you so much for fucking with us shout out to

the AFE subreddit shout out to everyone on Twitter everyone on Instagram shout out to Frankie Ocean shout out to Sid the Dude shout out to Haji Beats Haji Beats dude

shout out to DJ Khaled Khaled sure well no shout out to DJ Khaled. Khaled, sure. Well, no shout out to DJ Khaled. Up until he started that HomeGoods line and then he lost me. Shout out to Drawers Clothing. Honestly, I'm still on board. He's still on board.

Shout out to Drawers Clothing, dude. Drawers is coming back. You remember Drawers? I remember Drawers. Mid-90s skate gear. Drake Jones. Wait, are you talking about underwear? No, it's a clothing company called Droors. D-R-O-O-R-S. Oh, I thought you were just a nerd.

No. That was Droors. Droors Clothing coming back, dude. Shout out to... Fucking... Shout out to Rasheed Wallace. Shout out to Russ Benson. Shout out to Katie Nolan.

Oh, shout out to Katie Nolan. Oh, shout out to Katie Nolan. Yeah, dude. Shout out to fucking... Shout out to Mina Kimes. Shout out to Mina Kimes. Who's just like a fun listener who always pops in on a... Shout out to Cr Nolan. Oh, shout out to Katie Nolan. Yeah, dude. Shout out to fucking... Shout out to Mina Kimes. Shout out to Mina Kimes. Who's just like a fun listener who always pops in on a...

Shout out to Cradley Blooper, dude. Shout out to Trill Murray, dude. Shout out to Trill Murray. Cradley Brupler's up in there. Cradley Brupler, dude. He's always the one with like, what up, fam? Yeah, shout out to everyone

who came out to Madison, all y'all. But more important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Chicago City! That was a hate gun podcast.