All Fantasy Everything - Last Words (w/ Zak Toscani and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

Any last words? We got some.   Episode Guest: Zak Toscani @zak_toscani IG: @zaktoscani   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @marsmel IG: @mars.melSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting last words. Our guest today is stand-up comedian and friend of the podcast, Zach Toscani. This summer, you can catch Zach on tour and performing

at private house shows in Oregon, Washington, and Northern California, and Utah. A little bit more about that later. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and I'm joined, as always, by my friend and comedian, Sean Jordan. David Borey, currently hacking his way out of a Bolivian jungle prison with a machete he smuggled in. In a way that i don't feel comfortable describing right now let all fantasy everything the podcast that did a couple nasal sprays of allergy medicine right before it and now i feel a little bit like i'm on cocaine and i don't know if it's psychosomatic or what's going on or if that's

just what is in allergy medicine what does he say after psychosomatic? Addict insane, I think. What the fuck does that mean? What is that? Psychosomatic addict insane. I don't know. It just feels good, dude. What song is that?

It's that Firestarter song by Ian's boys. Prodigy. Oh, Prodigy. Right. Okay. Okay. Come play my game. You're the victim.

Exhale. Exhale. People can the victim. Exhale, exhale. People can't tell right now, but Sean Jordan does have the prodigy guy's haircut, which is the two little mohawks on either side of the head. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Those guys were. They were hardcore. It took everything I thought I knew about England and tossed it right out the window. Yeah.

When that video came out. I like it when someone who's Britishish sounds british when they sing a song so many people like you know try to adopt like the our accent or whatever it's like i love it like british rappers prodigy sound of british it's tight give it to me i'm not gonna go so far as to join you on uh lauding british rappers but i do i do enjoy wait what is lauding what the fuck does that mean Celebrating Yeah Oh you thought You turned me on to some Brits dude There's a couple I like But sometimes they're a little too British

Stormzy has a lyric Where he's so polite Like don't talk about currency That's where you lose me Yeah I got more pounds than you might And I'm like Okay what

Stop it There's this British Stormzy he talks about I'll meet your girl at the coffee shop Which is so polite And then he goes finish with a facial just to top it off you know oh yeah that's not polite you were so polite a second at the coffee shop yeah oh she's still my girl that's risky behavior there's that song though is it stormzy you'll get way too big for your boots and he says boots all weird he says it in that other song too he goes girls say i'm bougie like you are man you just said it you sound like

you sound bougie why too big for your boots it's come on you can't that's such a weird like grandma colloquialism for everybody listening that was not stormzy that was you no no no that was you stormzy is often on the podcast like more often than i think people realize but like that was you no no no that was you stormzy is often on the podcast like more often than i think people realize but like that was ian carmel that time hey google play stormzy hey google xbox tell google to play stormzy you'll hear in a week zach but i said said that the other day i didn't mean to but i stood up and i was like hey google and but i wasn't kidding it's just how it came out and i was like what the fuck are. But I wasn't kidding. It's just how it came out. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I think you're only allowed to request Google play Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard if you start the sentence like that.

Hey, Google, play Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard. I really hope no one's playing this podcast on speakers right now. We're probably activating all these Googles. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's sick. If they are, they're having a great time, though. Yeah. Hey, Google, play Linkin Park. Hey, Google, play Hybrid Theory. oh that's if they are they're having a great time though yeah hey google play lincoln park

oh yeah google play hybrid theory hey google set timer for 5 a.m there it is you ever like i will sometimes i'll just say i'll just say like whatever i'm thinking of like hey google play skateboard and it'll it'll just give you whatever their version of that is on spotify it's kind of fun so of like skateboard music sound effects kind of some no it's like it that'll just be like an old punk rock soundtrack i'll say like hey google play cupcake or something and it'll just give you like the cup there's a song called the pizza song i was like i was with my nephews and i said google play the pizza song just to see there's a fucking song called the pizza song it's for children okay do you think you'd like skateboarding asmr no like if you went to bed and it was just wheels on a

like hearing skateboard wheels on yes we were talking about that like the sound of a truck grinding on a ledge is it's so it's like sex for my ears is that what asmr is right it's like yeah yeah yeah oh it's so now it's funny because marissa's asmr she yeah she likes that kind of stuff which is wild sorry jesus i got you i got you what if this is someone's first one then they can fucking step to this flaming hot mountain dew that i just slammed i'm jacked have you guys been listening sean jordan chugged sorry zach i mean because i just need i I just feel like a responsibility To let the listeners know Sean Jordan did chug

A Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew Didn't sip, didn't drink Didn't even gulp Poured it into a glass and took it You know to be fair Right at the beginning of the recording Oh also that footage will be available on the Patreon If you want to see

Exclusive footage of Sean Jordan chugging a Flamin' Hot. And it's not, uh, you know, it's not good. It wasn't good. But, I feel like I'm better for it. Don't even give him any more information about it. Was it good? Maybe it was good. He liked it. Or didn't he? My bad dude's bigger, bro.

It's true what they say. Mountain Dew makes your dick huge. But soon it's going to turn black and fall off that's the problem it's gangrenous yeah i'm coughing your dick is way too big for his boots it's my bougie dick shout out to storms he listens we love you dude this used to be the living room sometimes what are you talking oh the three of us we'd be sitting doing this watching the town fortress of solitude's uh reunion it is sunday so on a normal sunday in the in the fortress we probably by now would have had either some like

breakfast tacos and you were really good about that yeah and or starbucks sandwiches oh yeah it'd be like a weird movie like butch cassidy or it'd be like the departed or something yeah now we would have watched like the last eight minutes of a premier league game for some reason yeah yeah yeah and then and then sean's like oh can we just watch the bank heist scene from heat just that just the guns firing so loud and that turns into what's watching all of heat yeah yeah we play it back at some point a boneless buffalo wing delivery yeah and then that big conversation that we have every time you're like can you believe they are in the same scene and then

all of our conspiracy theories about you know pacino didn't even want to show up that day yeah he wasn't even gonna go yeah deniro was like you got to be here i'm not gonna and then deniro was late on purpose like rod stewart and then we talk about rod stewart for a couple hours rod stewart later what do you mean late on purpose, like Rod Stewart. And then we talk about Rod Stewart for a couple hours. Rod Stewart later. What do you mean late on purpose? I think it's Rod Stewart who was always like notoriously late, like a couple hours, no matter what.

And there was that one song where Brian Adams, Brian Adams, staying in Rod Stewart. You remember that song? Oh, that ballad that they did. Was it for Robin Hood? No,

Brian Adams did a killer joint for Robin Hood, but you don't have to tell us that. Uh, well, apparently I have to tell Zach, pull your head out of your fucking ass zach hey google play zach pull your head out of your ass uh but yeah i guess rod stewart was like mad late for that and uh almost ruined the whole session it's funny because they're just like three i guess brian adams is a little farther down love all for love that's what it was that

was a three musketeers right yeah we'd all for one all for love those are three that's weird those three guys are the same guy they're different versions of the same guy but they're the same guy like three different cement mixers driving down your street trying to sing you a good song they were three clones and they were put in three different countries. Yeah. Bobby Stewart, dude. They found each other. And Rod, we trust, man. They all have those weird gravel voices, but they sound dope, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Early Rod Stewart, man. You're like, you really see why he was a star. Yeah. With the faces, too? Yeah. So good. There's that Sting song that's in the opening credits of lethal weapon 3 i sure did just drink a mountain dew didn't i talk about you know when i started i when i knew i was truly like when i was a kid a lot of old people would call me an old soul yeah and the first time i kind of knew it was when i really i was a kid

and i remember really liking sting's field of gold that song and i was like i was like a little 10 year old i was like being nostalgic for being eight or something dude that song englishman in new york i'm an alien i'm a legal alien i'm an englishman in new york that's the shit i will get home and laurel be cleaning the house or something and that'll be on or like bruce warns me and i'm like i listen to tupac and you listen to this one we're clean it's a little hey you guys can listen to changes together right yeah yeah that's gotta be at the wedding somehow yeah that has to be changes that has to be first dance dude that's a real. That's a real coming together.

Oh my God. I might reference it during the ceremony. Man, I hope I don't cry the whole time. You're going to. I know. Just prepare yourself for the fact that you're going to, dude. I'm probably going to cry. I don't know.

Did you guys go... Well, are you serious with this or are they funny? Or you don't want to tell me? Oh, we're going to tell you. We're going to tell you shit, dude. In fact, you know in fact you know what fuck you're not gonna steal my pick yeah in fact you know what fuck you that's my last words to the doctor trying to save me no fuck you dude i also want to shout out that uh the the more like reet oh i'm gonna sneeze am i god damn it look into a halogen light that desert rain song i dream of rain i was into that sting era oh okay i don't remember that one as much that was in sort of the same era

when seal had that next wave that that was like i need love love divine who is that that's not seal that's seal yeah you know what seal song i like is we're never gonna you know we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy excellent used excellently in a little motion picture called the devil wears prada oh that was actually a very big motion picture ian you're mistaken little little box office baby little little box office biscuit baby named the devil just a little box office little cutie little cutie little box office little bopping around the box office a little toddler with his grubby little hands covered in jam. I saw everything everywhere all at once last night.

Oh, I've heard nothing but the best things about it. It is. I don't even feel like I like I don't want to load it up with too many expectations or anything like that because I kind of hate when people do that. All I will say is go see that shit. It was it was so good which one is was it one of the best picture noms no it's new it's like new yeah it's a michelle yo uh jamie lee curtis is in it and the dude who played short round who retired from acting oh because there weren't enough good roles for like asian american and now he's back and he's and goonies yeah he's in goonies too he's data okay yeah

now he's back and he's fucking fantastic it's just uh tiny plates in it for a little bit it's so good it's so like i cried i laughed earnestly like both of those things it's so good was it good cry or bad cry? Good cry. Good cry. It was like a movie with something bad happening. I didn't feel like I was being... I mean, every movie emotionally manipulates you, but it wasn't like, oh, they just killed that dog.

No, it was like a good cry. It was great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, if I had a time machine, I would go back to when marley and me was in theaters and just have a dog and set it loose at the end it's okay marley's fine i still you know what that reminded me of because when zach and i went to predators and we were like

what if ian walked in because we asked you to go to predators with us and you were like no and then we're like oh no i don't want to go we made up this whole scene in? Because we asked you to go to Predators with us, and you were like, no. And then we're sitting up there, no, I don't want to go. We made up this whole scene in our head. We're like, what if Ian walked in in full Predator garb and just sat down with some popcorn, like elbowing strangers? Like, you pretty, you stoked?

What do you think he's been up to? Do you think Predators got a mortgage? Or what does he do? And it's like one of those things, you have a full mask on, we only know it's you because like, you ever know like, you notice that

you can see your friends from like a mile away because you just know the gate? Yeah, you just know they walk, yeah. Yeah, so it'd be like, if you walked in with full Predator gear, we'd be like, I think that's Ian.

I'm like, pretty sure. Is that Predator wearing cargo shorts? Okay. Here, let me try it. All right. Be quiet, be quiet. That pick up? I kind of.

A little bit. A little bit. That's my predator. It's hard to do. Luckily, we have Super Brutus Marissa on the ones and twos. Otherwise. I'll bump it up in post. She's going to juice it.

She's going to juice the predator noise a little bit. I'll juice it up. What if when Marley died, you just were in the crowd and you were just like, yes! I had money on that happening! Woo! It's like moonwalk out. Yeah, dude. There should be gambling for movies.

What you think is going to happen, I'm sure there is. You have to like good faith. It can't be too high stakes. You're like, yes, I haven't seen it. I have no idea. Right.

Yeah, I would love that. Like right before you go into the Batmanman you're like is he gonna be a nincompoop yeah what kind of batman is this guy gonna be is he gonna kind of suck at it i have a feeling i'll put 50 bucks on it i think this guy's gonna kind of suck at it i don't think he's gonna be real good zach that flaming hot mountain dew looks a lot like water, oddly. Why? How'd you get Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew that looks like water? It's cool blue water. Okay. Well, blue dolphin, huh?

Go to the bar and order a blue dolphin. It's a water. Ice Breakers started making water, so. It's Gushers, dude. Those are Gushers floating around in that thing. Absolutely. Do you remember Orbits? I'd love a big Gusher.

Oh, I remember Orbits. That stuff did not taste good. It did not taste good, but it was like bubble tea before bubble tea. Yeah, it was like OG boba tea for at least in America. I remember that was one of my picks when you did the live show in Portland, and it was non-alcoholic drinks. I remember the whole thing. I remember every minute of it, so just keep going. Yeah, we all remember it.

You guys were both so out of it that i was only up there for one pick i had the one pick i smashed it and then you guys were like do you have one more and i was like i was unprepared and i said orbits and the audience made no reaction like which is worse than getting booed because they're just like, what? Like the gum? We should encourage more booing at our live shows. Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's what happened when I picked, what did I pick? In High Plains, we were drafted in, what was it, 2000s movies? Yeah, it was.

Or 90s movies? 90s movies. And I picked something and nobody did shit. I was like, hey, this is fun. At least boo. At least boo. It was hot that day. She picked a guy who punched a horse come on boo man it was hot i you know what's funny is when i have those yellow shoes every time i see them i get hot i'm just like oh i was uncomfortable for about five days

mostly my fault it was you know i'm sure there are people recreating in different ways who weren't flop sweating every second of the day. I didn't encounter them or their lifestyles. Well, because you weren't around them, my friend. That guy with the yellow shoes is Sean S. Jordan on Twitter, Sean Cougarmel Jordan on Instagram. Sean, what's the deal, dude? What's the latest?

Heart's thumping, man. Heart's thumping. Got that dew coursing through me. Yeah. I'll be in Seattle June 2nd at the Hereafter. Go to that, please. I want to do better than all my friends that are there and uh are other people there amy was just there there's uh there's a bunch of uh rivers gonna be there or they already were um yeah there's like it's it's very it's very of of uh our group that's going and i want to do the

best so yeah please hereafter what's what's the uh to do the best. Please come. Hereafter, what are they steeped there? I think 100 a show. It's two shows. Come on, Seattle. Remember the last time I tried to do a show in Seattle? Goose egg, bro. Goose egg. Bagel. The last time you got COVID. Last time I got COVID. Apparently you believe in now? Listen,

I'm just saying I got vaccinated. I'm just saying it. I i'm just saying it i made don't here let me don't i made one of those cards okay yeah yeah they really made those too easy to counterfeit i know they made them too easy to counterfeit and so they don't fit in anything right they it was the worst of every world like if you're gonna make them that easy to counterfeit make them wallet sized at least also the pictures when you when you go in to prove it by the way it's just like it bars people like let me see your vax card but it's a picture of it you're like you're not looking at my name maybe they made it weird so that they would if someone went into a

kinkos and they're like i need um i need a 7.538 spy and the the Kinko's guy's like, you can't have been back. Yeah, yeah. Listen, man, I sell them. I sell them. I already do it. You think I'm not ahead of the game? I work at Kinko's, bro. I haven't drugged Shane through the mud in a while. Shane lost about four of our house keys when we lived together. And I remember going to try to get a new one made at a couple places

in LA proper, and they would not do it. Then I went down the street to old boy in the Dale, and he was just like, yeah, how many? many he couldn't give a shit it said do not duplicate on the key yeah you're not supposed to duplicate house keys ever unless you're like how did shane lose those keys like that he lost one in one day i remember i was at the roost one time and he's like i can't get in and i'm like well god damn it do you remember do you remember when he tweeted on twitter hey if anyone sees my keys let me know hey delta you find my keys no that was yeah i like to think of mr john delta like oh shit shane lost his keys again

who's handling the key situation a poorly framed screenshot of an instagram posted to twitter saying if anyone sees my keys oh by his album established 1981 i can't wait to see him this is he probably saw the who was on this podcast and immediately knew yeah he knew it was coming the name was gonna get that that that torres name was gonna get dragged through the mud yeah get the hose going shane uh-huh yeah i mean well no one has to drag it sometimes it because carl's doing much sometimes sometimes he'll do it himself oh great here's the other thing i'll say there's an everything bagel reference in everything everywhere all at once oh no oh no cease and desist from shane the screenwriter must be a shaniac

they stole it they must be dude well who is that's that's my question there are a lot of shaniacs next time we see him he's like he's gonna be at your wedding like how you doing she's like well it was good until i got fucked by that movie i'm locked in litigation with the daniels can i ivan ivan can i talk to you for a? I think my lawyer's taking me for a spin. I want that man to have a bolo tie on. I want that. Ivan, too. Ivan and Shane.

I want him to have matching bolo ties. At your wedding? Yes. Yeah, there we go. You might see one Ian Carmel officiating in a bolo tie. I'm not making any promises. No, please don't. I mean, promise me you're going to be there. What tie I wear will be a game time decision.

Yeah, I have. A game tie decision. Game tie decision. I'm thinking about shoes still. I think I'm going to get Max some Air Maxes. I think I'm doing it. I think I found some that match her little dress. Oh no. He froze, dude. That's it. The general hacked in. He's like, no granddad, our mind's

wearing Air Maxes to a formal event. Nuke the internet. Nuke the internet. Pull the plug. Pull it. Pull it! There's Marines that bust through and just shoot his Wi-Fi router and then leave. Shoot his Wi-Fi router and then knock over a wedding happening nearby and then they're on their way. Oh, man. He's still frozen.

Yeah, he got frozen in a really funny position, too. Yeah, it's great. I'm going to take a picture of it. Do I have my phone on me? I do. All right, here we go. There he is. Oh, Sean.

Frozen like that. I guess I got to do video just to fully capture. So there's Zach having a full range of motion. Hey. Yours truly, Ian Carmel. Marissa, you want to turn your camera on for a second? Oh, we left. Oh, no. I got him in the corner in the corner i think well we're all still here

sean jordan sorry oh he's back i know sorry the internet i gave the internet some flaming hot mountain dew and i think what happened is you said you were going to put your daughter in air max tennis shoes at your wedding and the general thought to it that that would not be the case. He's an Adidas man. Yeah, I do. Yeah. He just texted me. I got to get to Langley.

So I'm going to have to go. Are you going to play Nike and Adidas at your wedding? Man, I can't. I can't listen to it. I cringe. Why? Why? Oh, because it's bad?

I mean, I. Stop it. Oh, Marissa, that was Oh, because it's bad? I mean, I... Stop it. Oh, Marissa, that was funny, huh? It's good, though. I mean, it's funny because it's good. It is good. It's bad. It's bad.

You know I like it. I got into it with my buddy Micah because he's like, you don't actually think that's good, do you? And I go, no, but don't be a dick, dude. Yeah, come on. Of course, I don't think I sound like Biggie. I'm just... It was fun. I wrote a funny...

It's a funny... It's a comedy song. It's funny. I checked it. It was fun. I wrote a funny... It's a funny... It's a comedy song. It's funny. I checked it. It was like, I wanted to be a rapper since I heard music and I never will be and I suck at it

and I couldn't be more milquetoast. You got a song on iTunes. Yeah, you're going to the Yankees fantasy camp playing catch with Jorge Posada and someone's like, you don't actually think you could hit 300 in the majors, do you? Fuck you.

Yeah. Yeah. Let me believe for a little bit. Here's my tiny little penis. No. It's little. It sucks. It's bad.

It's so tiny. It doesn't work anymore. Never did. You just keep telling him things. Never did. I don't want it to work. To tell you the truth, I'm probably better without it. It means I don't have to leave and I eat what I want.

I don't care. I pee out of my eye sockets. They call it tears, but it's milk. I'm double jointed. I have to lean over. I have to dip my face into a toilet when I pee. What was it? Remember when we went to the driving range and we were all pretending to be newly divorced?

Yeah, that's right. Dude, I just had a good one the other night. I hit, I was, we went to Topgolf and I was like, what did I say? I was like, joint custody? Joint custody? And then I hit it and I come back to the camera and go, I'll see you in court. And then I just walked away. It worked out pretty well. Joint custody of this drive. You get

150 yards, I get 150 yards, Carol. The only thing that's going to drive across town to pick up this kid is this golf ball. I remember Ian saying, oh yeah? Why still identify as your husband? Top golf at the bachelor party. I'll tell you that. That's the one thing I know about Vegas. We're going to do top golf at the bachelor party.'ll tell you that That's the one thing I know about Vegas

We're gonna do Topgolf at the bachelor party Zach Toscani is here as well Yes I am With an underscore between the K and the T On Twitter Just straight up on Instagram How you doing buddy You're doing the backyard shows again

I'm doing the backyard shows again Yeah I had such a blast They've drawn. Yeah, I had such a blast. They've drawn rave reviews. Rave reviews. I had such a blast last year doing them that I'm going to do it again. So if you're in Oregon or Washington, I will be in and around the area from May 1st through June 30th. So if you're interested in hosting a Zach Disconi house show, you can DM me on Instagram or Twitter.

That means direct message. That's direct message. That's correct. And then if you're in Northern California, July 7th through July 20th, if you're interested, get at me. And Utah, Colorado, August 1st through August 22nd. I'll be around if you want to do a show and we can make it work.

Let's do it. And also, I don't know the exact date, but I am recording the album in Denver at the Bug late August. So watch out for that date. Yeah. Might have to be there, man. Yeah, dude. So close to my wedding.

Oh, I know. I know. Well, that's the thing is like, I'm like, I'm going to record that. And then I'm going to come right back to LA for the wedding. Fuck. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Trying to figure out if I can go. It's no pressure if you can't. I would love to be there. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll be there. I will. If he gets his wifi working. Remember when David missed the flight to come to mine? I do. I recall. Oh, man his Wi-Fi working. Remember when David missed the flight to come to mine? I do. I recall. Oh, man. I was in pennies.

He's like, hey, man, I missed my flight. I can tell he felt so bad. I don't think he missed. Something happened, but it was something that only would happen to him. Zach was supposed to be there for your bachelor party, and the Alaska Airlines pilots went on strike. Yeah, yeah. I got a text at like

midnight that was like instead of a direct flight lax to pdx it was like instead now you're going la to seattle and then seattle to salt lake city and then salt lake city to fucking medford yeah or something and then medford to portland i was like this i'd get it at 9 p.m there's no way over portland twice yeah yeah over portland twice on that route it'd get it at 9 p.m there's no way over portland twice yeah yeah over portland twice on that route it was insane it is you know it's hard it's hard to like i can i can never get upset because it's amazing to me that we can travel like that yeah in fact like if i want to i can most times you can be somewhere in hours pretty buck so and honestly if you would have made it probably just been crying all night and i would have been in even worse shape when I got home.

So shout out to Canard, though. You missed an amazing dinner. We'll have to go back again. I know. Big Torque Daddy was he doesn't get serious, really. And he was just like, well, I got to I got to get over. I got to try that. Obviously.

Yeah. It was tight, man. Yeah. The steam burgers. Right. Burger. Nick Van Payne. I split a bottle of wine like we were like like two gals going through our divorces white or red uh orange yeah i was gonna say yeah yeah we were they had a drink

called the og so yeah five six of those what am i what am i gonna do you're just the same old and i'll tell you we probably drank the same amount of alcohol but you were a lot more hung over than me the next day that i was i think that's the natural wine advantage dude well you and you were doing it right uh even at kelly's you were like getting water and i just dove in headfirst that's the real nwa yeah yeah the natural wine advantage yeah definitely the portland nwa yeah ice cube probably lives within 10 miles go tell him of me right now yeah i'm not allowed within the 10 miles there was a short window where i was allowed where he lived like it wasn't when he was coming up

and it's not now earlier it's because it was like compton and then it was there's gates there's so many gates they take one look at me even in a rugby shirt and i'm not allowed past those gates yeah the rugby shirt helps though they would they would question it it helps a lot yeah and they'd say no it helps a lot but they would ultimately wear shorts yeah yeah i knew it are they short oh yeah oh oh yeah dude oh yeah distinguished it's been hot man we went through a la went through a fucking hot streak the last couple days yeah we're having ourselves a little heat wave yeah little heat wave no big deal had to dig a ditch in it no big deal holy shit it i didn't have to i did though i was out there digging my enemies front yards i didn't know that construction work

could be as tedious as office work because i was digging this ditch and then the the guy whose house i'm helping build he was like you've been separating the dirt right and i'm like what he's like you've been you've been separating the good dirt from the bad dirt oh right and i was like i what he was like yeah there's good dirt and bad here's a question did he say that knowing that you hadn't been doing that because that that really that really grinds my gears i'll tell you yeah it had been i had been doing it for about six or seven hours at that point somebody knows for for sure that you hadn't been separating the dirt and they're like hey you're separating those right and you're like you know i'm not you know yeah i why would i think i don't what is good dirt and

bad dirt i don't know well good dirt's where nobody got hurt and bad dirt is where like somebody cheated so yeah okay good dirt's where like yeah do you bad dirt is where like somebody cheated so yeah okay good dirt's where like yeah do you see steven fell on the ice and didn't tell anyone that makes complete sense did he freeze again no am i frozen oh he's back he's back he's back oh boy you were frozen for like 10 seconds i'm sorry dudes uh you should be dude it's still recording the whole time because that's a separate entity so anyway that doesn't do shit for me and zach that's good for marissa yeah and i'm happy that that's good for marissa but like for zach and i we're out on a fucking island dude right i'm gonna turn my wi-fi off where there we go

we're at c problem solved i turned the phone my phone wi-fi off so that affects it oh i thought you were like i'm just gonna turn off my house wi-fi and then we'll be fine it's pure concentrated power and will is how he's getting this fucking himself to the zoo. Ever since I get the vaccine, man, I don't need Wi-Fi. I just kind of naturally admit it. Yeah.

Yeah. It's 5G. I would maybe get a Wi-Fi implant if there was like a permanent hotspot on you. I would do whatever. That's in play.

If they told me it was good for me, I would consider it. I'm the fool that everybody plays on. Sure. I'm who ads are targeted towards. I'm the one who everybody plays on sure i'm who ads are

targeted towards i'm the one who jake gyllenhaal made ambulance for it's like yeah i'll do whatever oh do you have you seen it yet i'm going fucking to i'll tell you that oh man i want to see it i want to see it i do too it looks so bad shit hey he's he's on snl this week and i'm like man this i he's just so wily looking and that movie movie, it's like Michael Bay got an ambulance. And that's what happened. Yeah. Well, then it's like an ambulance that causes some kind of chaos all over town. I love it. And it's one of those LA porn movies where you're like, oh, I know that street.

I know that bar or whatever. All it is is the streets of LA. Oh, yeah. Get ready for the geography to not make sense in that movie. Not at all. Staples Center to Malibu in 15 minutes exactly exactly someone was saying do you remember that movie volcano where it was like a volcano in la yeah with thomas lee there was like a scene where they're outside of like the chinese theater and

then they take a right and then the labrea tar pits yeah that's all right that's all right i was in beaverton i had no idea i was in sioux falls man uh my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh ambulance the movie app available now uh for jewish fans of jake gyllenhaal who is a jewish king himself is he yeah he's jewish i know that yeah deal with it uh watch the late late show listen to all fantasy everything uh i have nothing else to promote really just fucking be excellent to each other hopefully i'll have some stand-up dates soon i'm really enjoying doing stand-up. Keep an eye on the socials. I'm posting all my shows. We're gathering here today not only to talk

about keeping an eye on the socials, but also to fantasy draft our last words. These aren't famous last words like either the wallpaper goes or I do and that by Oscar Wilde. Oh, that was a great one. Yeah. We are drafting what our last words would be

it's fun it's suggested to us by a friend of the show chris charpentier yeah yeah when we were setting this up i was like chris do you have any ideas and he like was kind of quiet for five minutes and then he laughed to himself and he goes i got one fucking ace yeah yeah he couldn't his parents are in town he could not join us today but and he goes, I got one. Fucking ace. Yeah, yeah. He couldn't, his parents are in town. He could not join us today, but he's here in spirit.

I love it. Yeah. I love Chris Charpentier. I love that his parents are in town. We, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors and it's played between the two of you and we throw on shoot.

Here we go, straight up. Straight up. old fucking marcus of queensberry rules rock paper scissors shoot cut your paper ah with the scissors over paper natural victory sean jordan has the winner of rock paper scissors is it coming upon you to determine the order of this draft before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft wait a minute what the hell is that well that's a great question On the last episode, I described it as eating corn on the cob, and Ian sort of touched on another thing that it can be like. And since we're 270 deep or so, I'm going to use that one.

It's kind of like an old-school typewriter. You type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type. You hit the end. Ding! And then you push it all the way back. Type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type. Ding! Push it all the way back. So really, you just go left to right, down a tick, right to left, down a tick, left to right, until you have

your whole paper finished. Then you're like, oh, that's not how you spell tomorrow. I'm in college. I should know how to spell tomorrow. I type the whole paper up. Hopefully they don't notice. Then you never go to that class again. And that was my 20th century American history class in college. Well, there you go, dude. Yeah. Boom. That typo?

That means not welcome. I got some Mountain Dew stuck in my lungs, I think. It's still fighting its way out, huh? Yeah, there's a weather system forming. I feel like it's taken over. It's going to venom me. It's going to come out. It's going to give you a disease that hasn't existed.

You're going to get dropsy from it or something like that you're gonna have to drink a medical mountain dew to combat this this is mountain dew in case of emergency you might have to chug a dr pepper and after it just to get a little bit just to get a doctor on the scene triage dr pepper gives me the scoots. Nobody asked, but now, you know. Oh, yeah. That might be exactly what you need in this situation. It could be.

Get it all out. You just need your body needs a bouncer at this point. Sean, as the winner of Rock Pet, now that you understand how it works, you draft third in the first round, you draft first in the second round. What will the order of today's draft be?

I'm wondering if I should just shoot my shot and go, well... I'm going to go first. John Jordan first. Ian, you're going second. And Zach is going last. Zach's going last. I hurt Kerner. I hurt Kerner.

I hurt Walker. Sean Jordan, you have the first pick, and we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do.

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Zach Toscani will play a show for you and your friends at your house. Absolutely. Hit him up on his socials. Yeah, if you want to have the time of your night and of your life. Woo! The time of your night.

That's a good tagline, dude. Yeah, thank you it was a slip of the tongue but I will claim it now absolutely claim responsibility for that Sean Jordan the time of your night it's a time for your first pick I just don't know if I'm going serious

or if I'm going silly look at me let me see your faces I can't tell um um Look at me. Let me see your faces. I can't tell. I'm going to go serious because the first one will be serious. What I would prefer, my last words, if like, I don't even know, but

here's what I would like my last words to be. Be as good as you can while you're here because in this moment, that's all that's going to matter. Those are my last words. Wow. That's really sweet. Not the route I went. Me neither.

I knew it. I'm almost crying. I'm looking at the other shit i got written down i have to it stays it stays my pick yeah yeah that's why i had to go first because i was like if you guys are silly then i'm not going to say anything serious i'm really glad you said the serious one that's a beautiful message it just i think about it a lot i i'm always stressing about just trying to be as good as I can and trying to be better if I wasn't in the past and trying to make up for that and just being good. And then when you're laying there and you're about to die, that's all you're going to look back on are your memories know, your memories and how you operate and how you were and how you existed. And so I just try to operate like that, thinking about how I'm going to feel, not even when I'm dead, but when I'm older, I want to look back and be like, you did it.

You were good. So I try to be good. Yeah. It'd be funny if you said those words and they're like, sir, you're not dying. You just chugged up Mountain Dew Flaming. You're going to be fine fine then i can't say anything forever after that i'm just gonna say this in like a year i said my last words two years ago fucked what if you've loaded that up in your head as your last words and you keep having all

these near-death experiences and by the time and people are just like oh my they keep shocking me back to life hey be as good as you can while you're here because in this moment it's all that matters and like people like oh my god i know dude as you trip down a step yeah and they just wake me up they're like don't you remember when you slapped that kid's books out of his hands and they all fell down the stairs when you were in seventh grade and you laughed at him and pointed were you being good then i'd be like no damn did you do that i did a few times this kid i used to pick on this kid i always saw it as hard see that the thing about that kind of stuff it was always funny but you look back and you're like no that isn't that's bullying but i never was like physical you know but i would like yeah i would do that stuff to like my friends yeah i did it to smith

outside outside of our health class one time as you can imagine he was a mess whenever he had but i just went i came up behind him just whack and they went i mean like yard sale all over the hallway and i felt so bad that i helped him pick him up and we were both probably five minutes late for the class we were right outside of because they were so scattered sneak compliment for smith though because like he had books yeah i think they were probably drawings honestly because this class that's the class where mr hermanson just told us he's like if you guys sit in the farthest back part of the class and don't disrupt the class they'll pass you yeah he

didn't even make us do anything he just sat us in the back he even let us talk he was like just don't that's disrupt the class and you broke through all parts of his, of his grief. And you got to acceptance where he was just like, and it was, I can't fight it anymore. That's the easy. I don't think there's an easier class. Right.

But yeah, man, those are my, those are my, my last words. Do you know a move I used to love was picking up the backpack when it was on someone's back. You know what I mean?

Like a lifting up from the base and then dropping it. Oh yeah. I always thought that was funny. Cause you always get the, it was on someone's back you know what i mean like and lifting up from the base and then dropping it oh yeah i always thought that was funny because you always get the it was for me it was always like the concerned look they would give you over the shoulder like when the weight would be taking off like we had uh this kid he was walking and you know like stick the stick your foot out and trip people thing but they always catch themselves obviously yeah this kid was walking and i didn't notice but he had his hands lodged in tucked into his back straps tucked in and i tripped him and it was in between a row of desks and he just he tried he's like he tried to pull his hands out and couldn't do it and just smashed it he didn't hit his face but he he fell and like hit his knees

and his chest and like the side of his head i was like holy shit oh so you were like kind of fell in stages well otherwise he would have his fronts would have been toast so i think he sacrificed the body so he didn't break you have to i was never tripping people yeah i was it was tough i thought it was all in in jet in it was supposed to be funny all these things but you look back and you're like most of that shit was just like well people would like tie your shoelaces together that would happen if you fell asleep in class yeah yeah or i definitely remember falling but on like my leg fell asleep while i was taking a nap in class and then you wake up because the bell rings and then you get up and you don't know that your leg's asleep so you're just like

we would take people's shit if they fell asleep in class we would just take all their stuff off their desk and just hide it they wake up and there'd be nothing around i was a big fan of the hot foot where you would light a match and stick it in the soul no i never did that i was like well you had matches the old hot foot we used to clog up the stairway there was me and like four other kids we'd all like join arms and clog up the stairway so nobody could get up to class from lunch and we'd just do it as long as we could and everybody would be late still funny to me but we had we got in a bunch of trouble for that a lot i like it yeah so those are my very serious last words what be as good as you can while you're here because in this moment that's all that matters you should have made it in this moment i'm all

that matters i'm all that matter now will somebody please masturbate me before I go? Travel further if you pack lighter. Be as good as you can while you're here. Because in this moment that's all that matters. Yeah, I imagine Scar saying it. Be as good as

you can while you're here because in this moment that's all that matters oh little alan rickman are there at the end yeah i don't even know i don't know where i don't know who is speaking there but you know mr tukagi uh so sean's pick was be as good as you can while you're here because in this moment that's all that matters. My first pick is going to be Oh no! Oh no the devil! Oh god the devil! I love it!

I'm sweating. I look like this can. I'm sweating. I want if this can. I'm sweating. That's awesome. I want, if there's a bunch of loved ones gathered around, and I'm passing into the next life, whatever's happening next, I just yell out,

oh no, the devil! And then I'm gone. Oh man. See, now, I would be like, all right, there's a heaven. That's what I would think uh it'd be a bummer it'd be a bummer that you weren't going yeah it's so funny sean's first of each reaction is well i know where i'm going because my last words will be as good as you can while you're here it's not getting in then i'm gonna i'm gonna go ahead and shake the devil's hand too yeah i think i don't i don't know you're being as good as you can while you're here because in that moment that's all the matter those are my last words true that's what you say

right after right after ian says oh no the devil you're like be as good as you and i just say my last words and run myself through oh no are you looking at anyone you look uh no no i'm looking into the middle distance that's how i see the devil yeah yeah you got to look at like an empty doorway or something oh no the devil how would you okay could you give me how'd you die what you think you how exactly you'd say it the timber and yeah okay hold on i can hear it already. I'm in bed. I'm like, I'll always... The life that I lived was all the richer because of all of you standing here.

And though I am afraid of what may happen next, I go into that stage full of love and peace. I am truly, truly. Oh, no, the devil. And then I'm gone. Yeah. Yeah, man. Just one last little prank for those people still here who are like oh shit

hell's real oh man you think someone would nudge someone else and go i guess he wasn't 100 bar mitzvahed and everything yeah i think so i think you might get a little commentary a little pattern i think that's what bear's doing bear's elbow and someone like well i'll see him soon i think uh you know i think like you hear a lot about heaven's real you hear people who are like oh i would you know who had near-death experiences but you hear less about the devil being real yeah that no one ever says like yeah i just saw a fire and it's like damn ian must be pretty important though for the devil like the devil himself yeah yeah yeah he's not showing like this is a you don't see the big man yeah no. You usually get a minion.

How big is the devil? 6'2". In heels. You could probably take him on a good day. He's 6'2", 195, but cut, dude. I was going to say, I'm 6'2", 195,

so me and the devil are the same. No, you guys are built different. I got a lot of that 195 right here in the old bread basket. You guys are built different. Wait a minute. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I just thought of a perfect thing to have said at your deathbed.

I'd be like, well, I guess the devil went down to George Carmel. Yeah, dude. You're going to be killing my deathbed and then sean went out of golden fiddle and he'd start playing it it'll be definitely gonna learn learn how to play the fiddle for sure that's coming that's for sure coming oh it's not man it's reacting to this flaming hot mountain deer it just i can still i can still there's like regurgge coming up i like yeah i don't think you're gonna see the ambulance i think you're gonna be in it yeah i'm going to go see

i'm gonna go by myself and i'm gonna get like the sourest most electric looking gummy snacks i can get yeah i'm gonna eat them and be like give it to me jake yeah you gotta say that out loud in the right when it right when it says like universal and it's like panning the globe i'll be like give it to me jake all right give it to me jake here we go jake jake jake boy oh no the devil is my first pick okay uh so my first pick for my last words are gonna be oh wait does this have onions in it because one i don't think onions are in that way like peanuts that would kill you no but just would be fun to think of like just dying in a very comical way yeah just letting people know where do you think this is happening?

Oh, probably at a restaurant. I kind of, you know what I mean? Like, maybe not a deathbed. It'd be fun to just, like, if you felt it, if you felt like a heart attack coming on, and you're like, oh, yeah, tell this is the big one. I got five seconds to let one out. Just take a bite of the sandwich.

You go, oh, wait, does this have onions in it? And then you collapse into your food. Face bite of the sandwich you go oh wait does this have onions in it and then you collapse into your food face into the sandwich face first into your food yeah yeah we're at the we're at the funeral like i swear i've seen him eat onions before yeah he used to order onions i used to eat them like apples yeah he asked for my onions a lot we'd get cpk frozen pizzas and he would cook it and he would ask if we could have my onions. Oh, that's right. Sean, you would just take like 10 minutes of your day to pick out all the minced onions out of the barbecue chicken pizza.

The icky stuff you don't like. It's icky as shit. I hate onions. I love them. You really do. You like onions. I love them you really do you like onions i love them yeah oh all the all the pizza toppings you guys were talking about everything that sean was like oh i was like god i fucking love that every bit of it olives how do you feel about olives fuck no the the roll that the rollerblading

of pizza toppings by the way all all fantasy. You're getting a little sick of the shit talk about Carl. You can quibble with his picks. You can quibble with the manner in which he picked them. But some of the comments, which included his social media tags

in the body of the message were a bit spicy for me. It is not the good vibes that we project not not the energy that we wish to approach the world with now we can talk to uh a shane torres like that uh because that's one of our best friends in the whole world but you guys don't know carl who's a lovely person and an expert on food who made some delicious picks. So let's just, let's just, let's just,

you know, keep the sandwich and leave out the knuckle. My friend, I had, when I had sense to my name, Carl was one of four people who I got to join. One of five people who joined at a dinner party and Carl paid for a fourth of me. The other ones were Jared Logan,

Matt wronger and a one Ian Carmel. So it was just one of those it's like you know he's a great dude he's a fucking great dude man that was a good night that was so good at the cannibal i remember getting uh we're on our way home and bronger wasn't he still wanted to go a little bit and everyone else was done and we get to the crypt to his old house he's like anyone want a drink and i go i'll come do a shot with you and he goes i'm not gonna do a shot i was like all right and so we went and we sat there for like a couple minutes and we poured a drink and i just did it like a shot we were just sitting there and i was like oh i'm probably gonna roll out you're all quite full of meat it was couldn't fit anything

else in my body yeah that was sick man oh wait does this have onions in it is it amazing good job i think uh last words that leave people asking more questions absolutely it's good absolutely yeah you want a little bit of like i think he was just having a laugh but maybe there was something to it a late in life allergy right like there was that like it i knew we weren't drafting famous last words but i ended up looking at some because i just wanted to be like oh what were people's and then there's like everyone had on their list the steve jobs thing where he was just like oh wow oh wow but it's like i bet he's just thinking about if iphones could be blue or yeah yeah like

great you know those were his last words he just said oh wow yeah like three times that's pretty crazy yeah that is god what did he what did he it was cancer right yeah man oh yeah that is nuts that he treated with he tried to treat naturally without with natural wine or any of that the natural wine dude orange wine you just got shit faced i have cancer it's kind of how i treat it i made phones you dickhead leave me alone all right i'm tired i did it i'll still watch the original iphone presentation like once a year probably it's so dope when you actually watch it's like an hour and a half or something but it's crazy change the world it changed everything that phone did it did it's it's nuts it actually did it really revolutionized the bathroom experience i'll tell you that

yeah big time it's so funny when you know someone's pooping and then you see a tweet you're like i know what you're doing or like they were they respond to the group thread or something you're like okay all right you're in the bathroom you just had to clock in at the office for a little bit, huh? Get in the typewriter Jack's a dull boy I'll tell you what else is about to Revolutionize the bathroom experience Zach's second pick

Okay, second pick Second pick is Well shit, I should have seen this coming Live by the bazooka die by the bazooka because who doesn't want to die by being shot by a bazooka fuck yeah is that how you're dying in this scenario i think so right you have enough time in this scenario to get this full thought out so someone's like they shot it and then there's like a 10 second delay for when it hits me you know i'm like well

also you've killed a lot of people by bazooka yeah that's what zach that's zach's weapon of choice he has by bazooka. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Zach's weapon of choice. He has a bazooka in his trunk for road rage. Or it's either that or I choke on a piece of gum. You remember that car that used to park in the front of our house and take up both spots? If you just opened the front door with a bazooka when they were coming out of their car

and just blew it into the sky and you could just see this is your ride oh really you parked in the middle of two spots that's crazy you've been doing this every day for like a year so i got this bazooka it's taken a long time i had to get a lot of permits and it's about five thousand dollars you're saving a space for your wife who's never coming back we haven't seen that shit we haven't seen that green ultima in like three months man she's gone the fucking parking politics in glendale were that used to remember when we came home one day and there was a splattered milkshake all over the side of that thing and we're like yep tight yeah oh yeah someone hit someone hit the wall yeah someone got Someone got their just desserts. Yes, they did.

Dude, I don't know if I've told you guys. We were sitting at lunch one time in the cafeteria. I was facing my buddy and he was like all the way up against the wall. We're just talking and then out of nowhere, boom, a milkshake just exploded on his chest. We look back and like, I don't know, eight, nine tables away. There was a group of seniors laughing because they just launched a milkshake at a random table. And it hit Adam right, not Adam, you know, but different Adam, right in his chest. And I was like, oh, it just blew up on his face.

It's a funny thing to throw at someone. It's an inherent milkshake. It's got great heft. Oh, yeah. It's splatter. It's splatter qualities are off the chart. I remember. So one time taking Zach to the airport in his car, I went ahead and got him a flat tire.

So I pulled over in Chinatown and changed it as I was doing it. Somebody rolls by me, throws a cup of ice at me, calls me the F word, keeps driving. I was just like, holy shit, dude. Hi, Dana. What up, Dana? Everybody says hi, Dana. She says hi back, but kind of a belabored over it high.

She's waving. She's not going to comment on me saying it was kind of an over it high. She's shrugging it off. She's going to be shrugging off a lot of things with you. She's attaching a big axe to a string on her face. She's putting a bucket of water and propping the door open.

Like, don't worry about me. Dana Schwartz is cooking an amazing dinner that I can't wait to eat. That's sick. Yeah. What's on the men? There's not going to be too many more meals cooked by Dana Schwartz soon. They'll be cooked by Dana Carmel. You know what I mean?

What is she making? She's making like a ground lamb and chickpea stew kind of thing. I'm not worthy. I love a lamb. How long do you got to microwave that? That sounds... Six hours. Yeah, dude.

She's an amazing baker and I can't compete with that. But then when she cooks like savory food, I also can't compete with that. I got to figure out what i'm good at in this relationship that oscar is supporting uh smorgasbord you guys put together was pretty fucking great thank you those cookies yeah those cookies she had oh my god the carnitas it was amazing we had a good spread sean i know you moved uh back to portland to have a family and be with laura but if you go to taste of that food you would have said it was a mistake yeah yeah tight you're like i could have missed out on some stuff yeah yeah we didn't uh we barely watched the oscars she i put it on she's like oh i probably wouldn't even watch that

without you i'm like why it's dope yeah kills me when someone when i'm like just turn it on what's why not it's the oscars yeah so look at this fucking oscar that was insane it's like the super bowl but for movies yeah i don't watch call the midwife again apparently it's a good show i don't know uh time for my second pick uh my second pick is going to be tell oprah i love her because now you put a responsibility on somebody yeah yeah yeah there's a mission a job and also what what did did grandpa know oprah and he she died already she's dead yeah did he did he have a relationship with oprah winfrey there aren't any other Oprahs. No, there aren't.

No, there's just the one Oprah. Yeah, and if you're a different Oprah, you have to go full name. Yeah, you got to go full name. You can't be like, oh, Oprah's coming. They're like. Oprah Blaylock. Yeah, yeah. Bear.

Oprah McAllister. Bear, you were married to Oprah? Oprah Blaylock, dude. Yeah, tell Oprahrah i love her and it's just it is it's a little it's a you you start a mission for your oh you know your kid they have to go to her i imagine mausoleum or whatever crypt massive wherever she's buried it's going to be huge and they have to drop flowers in my name or she might still be alive we don't know what oprah's we don't, it's going to be huge. And they have to drop flowers in my name. Or she might still be alive. We don't know what's going to happen with Oprah.

Yeah, I think Oprah's going to be the one that figures it out. She's going to crack the not dying thing. She'll live to 150, yeah. Do you remember when Shane went to the batting cage and went Oprah for 30? I do, I remember when he went Oprah 30. His memory has gotten a little foggy about that day. We've been maintaining, luckily. Luckily, we remind him every single chance we made a hard line in the sand it wasn't like it wasn't like two years later we all sat together and collectively remembered like it was that day you went over 30

he was like no no i can make contact with four of them it was that day you were like you went over 30 well the thing because it wasn't funny yet because i honestly was like oh bummer because it was like a shane day we're like let's go have a shane day and that did not help i'll pick you up on that it was immediately funny with like each successive pitch you're just like oh no it was the first thing that was probably universally funny after his breakup yeah i think even he could have admitted it was funny at the day i think he did you know a great day we went to a buffet we went to a batting cage oh yeah we went to the mall we got ice cream yeah it is funny though is like the last time i went to a batting

cage i hit the 10th ball i think yeah i was I went 0 for 9, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And just blindly swinging. I don't know how to hit a baseball. I can do it. But every time, I'm like, I just accidentally hit the thing. Quick hands, dude. Quick hands.

No joy in Munville that day? I had to memorize that whole poem so I passed reading. So I could pass reading i was telling laura about the reading class yesterday and i was like seriously it's just a class where we went and read and she goes what like language arts and i go no we had language arts we had science we had math and then we had reading oh that was a sneeze dab a snab you did a little You did a little bit of a dab. I think I sneezed so hard I froze Sean's computer.

Oh, he is frozen. Yeah. I sneezed Sean's Wi-Fi out of commission. Wow. Butterfly effect. Oh, you're back. Dude. I think you

You might be I sneezed your wifi out of commission Did you see me sneeze? I did, did you see me do this? No Tell Oprah I love her Sean Jordan, tell her your second and third picks For my second pick

I'm going to look at everyone in the room and I'm going to say, none of you are forgiven. Whoa! Wow. And this is probably people that really didn't do anything bad to me. I just want them to think about it forever.

Damn, dude. Yeah, dude. I went the way opposite end of the spectrum on this one. You're laying in bed with, you got rollerblades on? Yeah, I'm laying in bed. I got the rare disease where your dick gets way too big for your body and then it kills you it takes over and it kills you all your blood goes there all the time and then you die and i just look up and i kind of scan the room and i say none of you are forgiven

and then i'm out damn dude that's harsh i'm a harsh dude man no you're not yeah i am you're really not i am now no no heart is a rock man ever since that ever since the big dick disease got me i got really sour yeah yeah i just think it'd be in this fictional world where i'm not saying sappy things when i die i think it'd be funny to be like what am i not forgiven for because nobody's really done right a lot of people have wronged me you know like so it'd just be nobody yeah people who would be in the room when you died yeah none of them have wronged me so it'd just be like wait what's he none of them will have wronged you right it might people might go religious again we're like

oh shit is this like a jesus thing does he have direct access to jesus oh yeah oh and jesus is telling me make sure that you tell them that none of them are forgiven jesus like hey you can get in but like none of your friends you have to go right back real quick and then tell them they're not forgiven and then you're good yeah i'm like none yeah none you're forgiven you've like probably shit your pants in this situation and you're telling people they're not forgiven i've definitely jettisoned my bowels yes yeah after they've taken care of you for like six seven years none of you are forgiven they're like fuck you just to go on the record here none of you are forgiven tough but fair tough but fair tough but fair so that's that's number two yeah number three

oh great another nod to the to the one and only shane torres uh-huh but that would just be just laying there like oh great it's like i'm going down a hill and the brakes go out and i just know it's coming and it's like a stupid accident that i shouldn't have been in you know one of those where i'm like let's see how fast i can go down this hill without hitting my brakes yeah and i get going too fast and now it's too fast for the brakes and like the brake line snaps or something and I'm like oh great I can see this scenario being where like Shane's in your hospital

room and he's like on a riff and you know you're like recovering from a like pretty routine surgery Shane's on a riff he starts killing and he's like oh great you know like everybody's loving the Shaniac I'm going off and then he like sort of because he goes into comedy club mode,

reaches back to try to find a wall and accidentally unplug. So you're like life support system. And then like, so he's killed you in effect. And like your final, your final revenge is saying, oh, great.

Like that. Oh, great. That's how it's going to happen. He's going to kill me and Zach, I think. Yeah, but it might be

an it wouldn't be an accident if he killed zach no i thought he was gonna kill zach already i swear to god there was one day at the apartment where i was like you are you are saying some stuff i saw shane's i can't remember that i thought it was i thought you were talking about at greg's wedding no no no right because that was the one day that he told me don't say anything more you didn't i saw that happen to uh joey and adam did that one time adam was poking the bear this whole trip to salt lake and then joey or no no it was joey to adam joey kept poking adam and then adam he looks at him he goes say that one more time and joey just kind of smiled and then he just kept walking because it's like you know you know when you're

when there's that line i haven't male friendships male friendships it is an act of love to say that's it hey man i know we've been having a great day but no more my buddy said he's like you call me that one more time and i did and then he chased me out of his house who like cornered me on either side of his car i had to like leave and i called him i went to go see my dad in the hospital and then i called him i was like you you calm down yet and he goes never never call me that i was like i never oh i thought he was gonna be like i'm never calming down never calm down not until i smash your face into the curb.

Oh, great. Oh, great. This is tight. This is fun. Stop traffic. Having a good time. You know what? I'll join you in that sentiment.

I push, bro. Time for my third pick. My third pick is going to be I buried it all in the Tillamook. A lot of Tillamook. Wow. Tillamook Ice Cream Factory. Yeah. Tillamook.

Wait, is Tillamook a town? There's a forest. There's a river. Yeah. There's a town. There's a range. Can you tell us what you buried?

No. No. Can you tell us though even in this fictional scenario? The balloons. Riches. It's just like cheddar curds or something. Yeah, it could be anything.

Some Tillamook cheddar curds buried in some dirt. I buried it all in the Tillamook. And I'm out. And I'm out. I love it. Yeah. I love a mystery, like if you have grandkids you're like yeah you go have a summer go try to find grandpa's treasure yeah dig through all this

shit try to find a map yeah you have to leave a map right oh yeah there's a map there's some pre-planning going on actually that wouldn't there should be like there should be those like internet services where it's like if you are a grandparent and you're like think within the next year you're going you like buy this service to help set up like a fun summer for your grandkids trying to solve your murder what if like the government never wants to approve an inheritance tax yeah what if we just made it so like okay so when a billionaire dies all their money gets buried in the wood somewhere and their grandkids or their kids get a seven day head start and

finding it yes and if they don't find it in that time the information becomes public oh man because you know the kids are wealthy people are nincompoops so they're never gonna find in that seven days they're idiots and layabouts yeah ne'er-do-wells you can leave your legs you can leave each kid 10 million dollars and then the rest of it has to be buried in the woods that would be fucking awesome yeah man are there any parameters like you know like it's it's three feet like there's do you know anything or you just know it's buried in the woods? Standard treasure map rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clues. Clues.

Yeah, clues. Clues, rhymes. Factoids. Yeah, factoids. Signs. Drawings. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm the big escape room advocate here, so I think this sounds dope. Yeah, I think it would be great. Old paper that looks like coffee's been spilled on it, you know? Very old paper. Crinkling at the sides. Brittle. Sort of dog-eared map situation. Yeah. I think this is a great idea.

Yeah, I think so too. Because we're never going to get these people to agree to like paying their fair share of taxes. What is an inheritance tax? I don't know what that means. When a rich person dies, there's a very small amount of tax. I mean, there's an amount of taxes in the inheritance that gets taxed. Uh-huh. But it's still, they're still passing on a lot of money to their kids.

You know what I mean? Right. So this way, each kid just gets 10 mil tax-free. The rest of it, woods. I didn't know that got taxed. So, like, if a billionaire dies, whatever they leave anyone, you have to pay taxes on that? Yeah.

And they'll say, this money's getting taxed twice? I paid taxes the first time and now it's getting taxed again when I pass it on to my grandkids? Yes. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I get taxed twice.

I get taxed for work and then I get taxed at the goddamn Taco Bell. I'll tell you this. I care a lot less after having done my taxes this year where i'm like okay now i can now i can say yes tax tax everyone's tax it go for it yeah i just send the irs a letter that says come get me come get it dude come and take it and then i put david's address is my address on dude money's right under two grumpy feet my big old body and a gun you can come grab it if

you want have at it boys you're gonna find a grumpy salty old bear on top all that money oh he's not i'm i'm full of just yeah well i'm not in a great i'm not in a great place allergy wise but i'm fucking powering through you are hold on my fiance oh yeah my fiance i uh i believe my child just returned she asked for the password to the lamb freezer yeah she's not getting it. Not that easy. Well, there's a live lamb outside waiting for... It's just waiting. Yeah, it's like Jurassic Park on a steak. Are you going to go out there in your predator outfit and kill it?

You're going to dress like Wolverine, dude. Are you kidding me? He ends up in the tree. There's like the three red dots on the goat. If you just did that in your front yard just neighbors walking by it's a tradition you're allowed

this is allowed I can do what I want I bought the lamp three days after Passover this is normal alright read a book this is allowed call the cops call them I will do them all what i will i will do

nothing else than greet them with a beautiful plate of lamb oh man you know what i watched recently did you did either of you watch uh the shrink next door on apple tv with will ferrell and uh and uh paul rudd it's fucking crazy it's's a real story. But anyway, it's great. It's great. Very Jewish story. Oh, I like that. Yeah, yeah. Very Jewish.

I like it too. I like it too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like it. Are you Jewish? I'm not. I'm Irish. Zero percent?

Yeah, zero percent. My dad depends on how far down the bottle was, but yeah, right towards the end of it, my dad would say 100%, and then a little farther down, turns out I'm Lakota. I've told you that, right? Yeah.

You can gauge the amount of Lakota that was in our bloodstream by how far my grandpa's bottle of whiskey was down. Right towards the end, he's like, I was married to a Lakota at one point. Like, no, you weren't, Buck. You were married to Marge and Ginny. Yeah.

If you didn't have kids, it didn't get passed down. You can't just, well,'t, Buck. You were married to Marge and Ginny. If you didn't have kids, it didn't get passed down. You can't just, well, I dated somebody. I absorbed some Lakota blood. Yeah. Listen, Buck Jordan, you sure didn't.

Through an alleged marriage. But yeah, I buried it all in the Tillamook. It's Oregon-y, it's mysterious, and it sends everyone off on a journey. And I will have buried something in the Tillamook. Or I wouldn't, and they'll never find it. It's fun. I love it all in the Tillamook. It's originy. It's mysterious. And it sends everyone off on a journey. And I will have buried something in the Tillamook. Yeah. Or I wouldn't. And they'll never find it.

It's fun. I love it. Zach, time for your third and your fourth picks. Okay. My third pick. My final words. Go ahead and pull that trigger. Send me to hell.

Let me get there first so that when you die and you get there, I'll be ready. I'll be ready with Satan to beat your fucking ass. Say it again. Say the part about wanting to get there first again. Do the whole thing. Go ahead and pull that trigger. Give us the whole thing? Okay.

Bastard. Go ahead and pull that trigger send me to hell let me get there first so that when you die and you get there i'll be ready i'll be ready with saying to beat your fucking ass wait let me make sure i have this right go ahead and pull that trigger send me to hell let me get there first so that when you die and you get there so then when you get there yeah i'll be ready i'll be ready i'll be ready with satan to beat your fucking ass so that when it's so that's such a tough tough someone's got a gun pulled on you yeah yeah exactly yeah all these are all these ones i was like i'm trying

to build the context of which how i die in the final words absolutely yeah yeah yeah is there now is this someone who you know has a gun on you or is this like someone's pulled a gun because it's kind of colder if you don't know them right i feel like it's i'm walking through like some kind of passageway and they're like sneaky behind me and i didn't see them but i stop and then i go and i just say it fit not facing them you hear a click click yeah yeah yeah yeah like i know it's over bro mike like you've been expecting it yeah yeah i knew it was coming one of these days i was born for this exactly send me to hell let me go first send me to hell

if someone said that to me i'd be like well i don't know man well he's from hell if you've ever seen him dunk yeah yeah yeah this is this is the guy who i don't the guy you don't he came back 10 years later it was a white man camp jump scenario someone went to go get the gun yeah who what are the brother the skull what are they the um the the brothers or whatever they were they were two like actual nba players weren't they i'm talking about the dudes that are that are chasing them that like the the whatever brothers or whatever oh they're trying to get the money i can't remember anyway i can't david would know yes send me any brothers do it spaghetti brothers yeah when ian did the oh no oh no the devil i was like oh shit we were both like thinking that a little bit on the same wave like

no this is great this is more threatening mine is more of like a passive threat and yours is a direct one right oh no the devil is just like freaking everybody out for the rest of their lives send me to hell so i can beat your ass with the devil this is a little more personal like in my in hell they're gonna like allow me to beat some other dudes ass for a little bit if you like just sat you calmly explained it to satan right listen i asked to get sent here there has to be a different place where i go right yeah come on all right i'm expected i actually have reservations there is a table available yeah i'm a big fan.

You have to make sure you get send me to hell out pretty quick. Because if you say, go ahead and pull that trigger and there's too long of a pause, they might just do it. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, wait a minute. But I feel like after you say, send me to hell, then they'll kind of, they'll be like, what? And they'll let you get the rest out. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I would like to have a cigarette and I throw it on the ground and go ahead and pull that trigger. Let me get there first. But you don't smoke. You've just been lighting cigarettes your whole life and just letting them burn. Yeah, yeah, waiting. Like, fuck. I really thought it was going to be today.

I got to keep buying this shit. It's expensive. That's so tight. Let me get there first. And then my fourth pick was going to be, you really don't think i could eat all this chili and that's how i die like like our president zachary taylor who died of too much milk and cherries mine would just be too much chili now if it's cincinnati chili what is this after one bite roasted oh i love it.

I would eat a fucking bucket full of Cincinnati chili. I really like that Cincinnati chili. I remember when you made it. I was fucking fully on board. Oh, yeah. It's got a little cinnamon in it. It had a little cinnamon in it. It's like a gravy. And it is like a chili. It's like a chili mole gravy kind of situation.

Exactly. You don't just eat it straight do you like it's for chips and dip no yeah yeah like nachos or like yeah yeah over spaghetti yeah hot dog chili dogs me and david went when we were in cincinnati and he was scared to get it on the spaghetti he only got the dog and i was like i'll pay i know you don't like to buy spaghetti at restaurants so i'll pay for it and And he was like, I'm scared to try it. It was the only time I've heard him say that. Wow. He's not afraid of a lot.

No. I opened a can. It was one of those nights at your apartment. You guys were all asleep and I was up hungry. And I opened a can of that chili. I was so upset that it was not just like Hormel that you can't eat this. You can't put that in a tortilla.

That's probably what you were going to do with it, right? I was going to. Did you have to build a tortilla straw to suck it out of? Oh, shit! If you would have told him that, I bet he would. I'll do that. I'll finish this Mountain Dew and go do it right now. Of course you will.

Nobody thinks you won't. You just chugged a fucking Flaming Hot Mountain Dew and go do it right now. Of course you will. Nobody thinks you won't. You just chugged a fucking Flaming Hot Mountain Dew. We know you will. And I'm feeling the ecstasy of the ecstasy, my friend. It's now down into my lower intestine. Have you casually had like a sip just to let it sit? I have. There's like, there's

a couple more sips left in here. And each time I pick it up, I'm like, oh, it's the Flaming Hot Mountain Dew. I think it's like coffee or something. But I'm going to finish it. It's personalaming Hot Mountain Dew. I think it's like coffee or something. I'm going to finish it. It's personal. Give me a little sommelier's taste, dude. Yeah, what are the notes? So does it taste like, is it like

Code Red but hot? Or is it like Mountain Dew? Mountain Dew, like if you put a Flaming Hot Cheeto in your mouth and then took a swig of Mountain Dew and then just let it, let them mix, that's exactly what it, let them, let them mix. That's, that's exactly what it tastes like.

It seems like this drink was made for people who already do that. Yeah. Right? Like, I mean, aren't they making it on their own? They, like, they haven't,

they've just missed each other in the staircase a few times. Yeah. You know, like I've definitely had those two things within seconds of each other. So, yeah. I've definitely washed down one with tether oh yeah yeah you know what like limited edition shit has really got me was man i've been fucking

up those birthday cake oreos i don't even know if they taste different but in my mind they do yeah and man oreos i forgot about oreos just how easy it is to clean out that whole fucking thing yeah right aren't oreos vegan is that the thing or that they're like dairy free or there's something about oreos where they're like they might be but they are unhealthy but yeah you really don't think i could eat all this chili and then you proceed to eat all the chili wordlessly and yeah yeah yeah it's like one of those like i'm at it's like like the old 96 er. Yeah. Where I'm like in front of everyone and they're like

eat, eat and then yeah, your just stomach explodes. You don't talk to them while they're throwing a perfect game. No. Did you know that Sean, one of the US presidents died because he ate too much milk and cherries? No. No, I didn't. To nobody's surprise, I did not have that knowledge about a US president.

It could save your life. Yeah..s president it could save your life yeah yeah summer it could save your life okay man do you want to have like way too much milk and cherries no no of course i wait milk and cherries doesn't sound good it sounds like a very old timey thing to die from they didn't have a lot there There wasn't like an, there wasn't like, do you want to get a bunch of old, do you want to have like a delicious cold stone creamery ice cream concoction?

Milk was a treat. Yeah. Cherries were a treat. Do you know like how recently like oranges were like, oh my God, an orange, like in England or whatever? Recent.

Yeah. Like what? 200 years, 300 years? Like a hundred years ago. Really they were like christmas presents and shit like yeah the when they first got the pineapple in england oh they probably lost their fucking mind to the extent that it's part of architecture that like the king got so stoked on pineapples that like it's part it's on the wimbledon trophy there's a pineapple on top because they were just like fucking pineapples that like it's part it's on the wimbledon trophy there's a pineapple on top because they were just like fucking pineapples dude because like what's this i mean it's

delicious if you only had like mutton and like whatever apples were passing for in like the 1600s you know what i mean was she had apples and shit crab apples and then all of a sudden someone was like pineapples and then the way it looked they're probably like this is alien shit yeah oh just imagine a world where you'd never had a pineapple and that you're 35 and then all of a sudden you have a pineapple for the first time and you're like honey we got to get a divorce yeah there's so much i thought i understood about the world that i clearly don't i'm a pineapple man yeah used to be a used to be a breast man i'm a pineapple man honey it's time a breast man. I'm a pineapple man, honey. It's time for my fourth pick.

And with my fourth pick, I'm on my hospital deathbed. And I motion for my grandson to lean in. And I say, my dearest grandson, I leave you all of my CDs.

And he says, CDs? And I say, CDs nuts. And then I die. For the rest of that kid's life, they're like, what did Grandpa say to you? I don't want to talk about it you i don't want to talk about it i don't want to talk yeah because you don't want to tell anybody you got cds nuts no especially if you've never done that to any of your grandkids they would they're like he's they're not gonna even believe me if i told them you know this is my grandkid that means they were born in like you

know at most like probably like 25 years from now, 30 years from now, at the soonest, do you know what I mean? He doesn't really... He's going to be aware of what CDs are, but not really know... He's like, CDs? And yeah, he gets CDs nuts, dude. Killed.

Is there going to be like NFT? Like, hey, do you want some NFTs? NFT is like NFT bag your ass or something like that. What are the future generations going to do? I heard Sean's got low NFT. Yeah, yeah he does i think i'm pretty well this mountain dew is seeing to change all that yes now i got high nft when mountain dew goes into sean's body it turns into tea yeah dude he's pure tea right now he's teed out he's teeing off i do like mountain dew i love mountain dew i think i do too yeah back the Back the fuck up. I do enjoy it.

Okay. People say it's gross. They're wrong. They're wrong. What's your favorite flavor? I just like a regular Mountain Dew. Honestly. There's, you know,

Did you hear how your voice went? There's that watermelon that's dope. That new spark one is dope. I'll tell you what I don't like. I do not like Code Red. And I do not like Livewire. I don't like either one of them. Oh.

Yeah. Have you ever had the peach Mountain Dew at KFC? Sweet Lightning? not like code red and i do not like live wire i don't like either one of them oh yeah have you ever had the peach mountain dew at kfc sweet lightning no but i bet i've had p i no i had peach mellow yellow in the remix machine you gotta try the sweet lightning i might have to i might have to do that it looks like it looks like daughter who was born out of wedlock is taking a nap it looks like a dark it looks like dark yellow piss but it tastes it tastes like what exactly your piss is gonna look like after you drink it looks like the dehydrated piss that you have yeah yeah exactly but sweet lightning baby it looks like the kind

of piss it will give you exactly yeah you're like oh my kidneys just let it through we had no questions about that they were just like just go just my kidneys just let it through. We had no questions about that. They were just like, just go. It's like the house on the corner of my street that there's like cop like they don't move their car on street sweeping days. And the cops just don't give them parking tickets because they're I think they're like afraid of starting shit with them. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I guess if you just oh, I know exactly what house you're talking about. You know that. Yeah. That's the one. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by schedule 35. Now microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said,

this episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay, which, man, wouldn't that be nice? And it's going to do it all day long. It's like a Swiss army knife for your mind. Might sound like a magic pill. I know I said it before, but I swear to God, it's the plot of Limitless. It might sound like that, but you can actually get it done. There's the magic of microdosing with Schedule 35. Their products, they're backed by science and dose to a precise amount so you get exactly what you need

to tackle your toughest days and you don't get the hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to destigmatize and educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there are a ton. And they also want to make it accessible for everyone. Each order ships discreetly. No one's going to get in your business. No one's going to be in your kitchen stirring your Kool-Aid. It just comes in a nice little box and it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do,

I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code all fantasy at schedule 35.co. That's 15% off at schedule 35.co and use promo code all fantasy. Sean, it's time for your fourth and your final picks, bro. So my fourth pick,

my fourth pick is, you know how like you hear people hanging, like people hanging on until somebody makes it to say goodbye and then they just so my fourth pick is i say uh it's midnight april 20th 1969 it's time for me to go whoa before 2069 i made it it's midnight april 20th 1969 it's time for me to i made it to 4 2069 i got a i got a daughter in that room you probably could have easily made it to 2069 by the way i will be i was just trying to do that math because i didn't do it yet but i will

be so that's 69 and then uh 19 so what is that 79 89 i'll be 88 or 88 probably when that happens i'd like for you to live that long i would too yeah i absolutely would and if i do make it that long unfortunately i will have to say it's midnight april 20th 1969 i've made it you're sticking with the 19th yes 2069 no sorry 20 2069 yes april 20th 2069 i've made it for 2069 your boy i like that yeah even if it's not 2069. And then you give your friend the head nod and they hit you with a brick. Yeah. Because like, what if you aren't sick at that point? They're like, no, you're going to live like another 10 years.

You're like, fuck. No, I'm not. But I can't say anything. I'm just like. Time to cash out. Yeah. Hit me with the brick. Brick me.

Whoa. That would be. Brick me. Where's Lau? Where me. Where's Lau? Where's Lau? Where's Lau? Break me. Break me.

Break me. Pray to me. I'm not wearing hockey pads. Pray to me would be a tight thing to say. Pray to me. That would be some tight last words. Swear to me. Last final pick i'm dropping

in on the hoover dam because that's something the skateboard has been talking about ever since the hoover dam looked like a quarter pipe so i'm dropping in i'm getting ready to drop in on the hoover dam and i go they say it couldn't be done and i bet they're right and then i drop in on the hoover dam and i obviously die

but i say i bet they're right. And then I drop in on the Hoover Dam. Nice. And I obviously die. Yeah. But I say, I bet they're right. And then I go. So I know. I know what I'm doing. I'm going to be the coolest skateboarder ever to die. People have been talking about dropping in on the Hoover Dam?

Ever since I started skateboarding and put together what the Hoover Dam looks like. It's like, yeah, it looks like a huge quarter pipe. And it looks like, until you go there. But if you look at it, you're like, somebody could probably do that. And then you look at looks like it's like yeah it looks like a huge quarter pipe it just and it looks like until you go there but if you look at it you're like somebody could probably do that and then you look at it and it's like obviously you can't but yeah you just fall straight down so sick to see somebody try it yeah be a good way to go it would be a good way to go why not yeah i'm saying why not give it a try if i can still if i make it past 4 20 69 if it's 4 21 69 and i can still stand then i'll drop in on the hoover damn um all right beautiful i'm ready for it marissa said or google set a reminder 20 69 hey google play the 69 boys. You'd be retroactively awarded all the X Games medals if you dropped in the Hoover Dam on 4-20-69.

100%. 4-20-69. Boy, it is never going to not make me laugh, man. It's just a, you know what? It's a cool drink that'll get you there. Uh-huh. Not a hot drink. You could sell merch where it's like

never forget what happened on 420 it's just so funny that people 69 i just it's hilarious it's the most hilarious sexual act you could possibly do just doesn't get you there it's awful it's yeah nobody's having fun maybe like maybe when like davidie. What if we both drove this car? Yeah. It is like that. You hit the gas and I'll hit the brakes at the same time. Right, right. I'll do the steering while you do the gas.

Yeah. David Bowie and I have successfully 69'd Prince and throw in whoever, but like nobody else. Prince and a Panther probably. I'm sure Prince was good. What if that's how you found who your perfect person was? like no when the 69 is right that's when you know i've been 69 in my way around the world all around the world 69 scramble for me yeah i love it time for my final pick and my final pick in a perfect in a perfect italian oh i never having spoken italian before in my life i turn to my i turn to my loved one and i say and for the listeners that means bring me a chicken fried steak yeah i knew there

was steak somewhere in there say it again say it again put on me when the bistecca frita de boulogne did they bring it back and you're dead i'm dead i'm gone they had to go all the way to cracker barrel from the hospital i've never spoken i've never spoken italian before yeah yeah you're like one of those people that start speaking like samarian or something but you do it fun yeah yeah yeah it's one of those things where then your family your like loved ones would be like oh maybe language is locked inside of everyone and just like ian access it for just a little bit right in that moment when when his brain was flooded with you know endorphins but no there's no prank do you believe in that sean do you believe maxine has all the languages inside her brain

right now i don't i love her more than anything in this planet i sure don't some people think that yeah some people think that like babies just access the language that they're around, but they, it's inside. I think they have the ability, obviously. Here's a theory that I, okay. I think the babies, I think babies can see ghosts.

And just because, and I, it's a social bit that I do around the house. Whenever Max is looking somewhere, I'm like, ah, she's probably looking at a ghost. Cause like most people think that that's a real thing.

And Laura, cause Laura doesn't think that at all. But like, they don't have anyone telling them ghosts aren't real yet so they i think they can see ghosts she can probably hear me saying this right now i mean you might as well yeah life a little more fun that's what and i like to think that ghosts aren't that bad because the baby's looking at them they're never scared so ghosts are just like i'm just gonna sneak by here oh fuck there's a baby oh man oh baby i just i mean i don't usually dress like this excuse me i was killed on halloween okay

uh yes no i think uh she does not have all the languages of the world in her head you're on record now i love you max but i don't think so but time it will be love it what if that was maxine's first words they better be give me a chicken fried steak in italian i would say you are yep i think i think you'd give her the house keys yeah yeah you live in her place now we already do my friend. If Shane needs a place to stay, you sort it out with him. Shane and Maxine, future roommates. She better lock up her shampoo. Zach, time for your final pick, the final pick of the draft.

My final pick of the draft, I'm going to go... Should have known it was going to be you, Victoria. Can't even really blame you after what happened in Shanghai. That's it. Victoria Beckham. Yeah, exactly. Are you going to tell us what happened in Shanghai or do we just have to imagine?

You just have to imagine. And Victoria's not present when it happens? No, Victoria is the one who's killing me. Oh, okay, so Victoria is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is she killing you? Is she shooting you? Is she smothering you with a pillow

because you're weak and frail from what happened in Shanghai? How's she doing it? Oh, yeah, I hadn't considered. Maybe I would be like an invalid in bed, and then it's like the lights go out, and then you see her in one of the corners, and you're like, ah, shit.

Steer us in a direction. Lovers quarrel in shanghai business transaction gone wrong oh maybe uh assassination mission gone awry here what you did you just pulled a slot machine it's ding ding ding it's all free it's a busy day in shanghai yeah it's a tidal year manifesto yeah busy day in shanghai busy day in shanghai richard scary's a busy day in Shanghai. Yeah. Yeah. Title of your manifesto. Yeah. Busy day in Shanghai. Busy day in Shanghai. Richard Scarry's a busy day in Shanghai.

Oh, that's tight. All right. All right. That was a blast. Fuck yeah. Marissa, do you have a pick? Yeah, I think it's going to be Please Clear My Internet History. That's a good one yeah although if somebody says that i'm looking yeah i'm gonna check yeah i'm looking for sure like whoa whoa yeah you are gonna see the devil aren't you wow you're certainly not gonna meet

the big guy upstairs i'll tell you that unless the devil moved upstairs for some reason the last thing she read was a wiki how. Yeah. Wiki how. How many onions can you eat? Because Zach died. To recap, Sean, you went first. You took be as good as you can while you're here.

Because in this moment, that's all that matters. And then none of you were forgiven. And then, oh, great. And then it's midnight, April 20th, 1969. It's time for me to go. I can't believe I said 19.

And then they said it couldn't be done and I bet they're right while dropping in on the Hoover Dam. I went second and I took, oh no, the devil. Tell Oprah I love her. I buried

it all in the Tillamook. My dearest grandson, I leave you all my CDs and Zach, you went third? You took, oh wait, does this have onions in it? Well, shit. I should have seen this coming. Live by the bazooka, die by the bazooka.

Go ahead and pull that trigger. Send me to hell. let me get there first so that when you get there i'll be ready i'll be ready with satan to beat your fucking ass you really don't think i can eat all this chili and of course should have known it was going to be you victoria can't even really blame you after what happened in shanghai man that that was so tight. It's funny to imagine us saying all of these on our deathbed but like one after the other just cycling through them. He's gone.

Oh, wait. Nope, nope, nope. One more word. We want to hear yours. Oh, wait. We left some on the board. Is that what we did? They were just so emotional. I'm looking at them now. All of those I thought of as we were recording. Hit them some emotional ones. I love you, emotional ones i love you mom i love you maxine do you was one of them i don't have any regrets because whatever i did got me here

that's like oh do you want is crazy because you're like was that his like go ahead and do you or was it like a question that he didn't get do you or might have been it might have been an allegation do you like the Mountain Dew finally did him in do you did I had a Opa Gangnam style people be like from that song from

60 years ago hut hut hut I had laugh sinister oh that's good ghost or real would be a fun one yeah you could you'd be like

my favorite Scorsese movie was casino and I will hear nothing else on the matter and then we know that that's been settled one of mine was oh what do I do for a living and that's when I want to die oh that's when I want to die. Oh, that's so funny.

We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter, allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon for holding us down and getting to watch Sean Jordan chug an entire Flamin' Hot Cheeto Mountain Dew. Pretty buck. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Slack. Shout out to everyone on the AFE,

shout out to Slack, shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit, shout out to, jeez, I mean, everybody. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel, shout out to Super Producer Marissa,

shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Sid the Dude, shout out to Haji Beats, and more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Oh no, the devil!

Shit. that was a hate gun podcast