All Fantasy Everything - Late Night Talk Show (w/ Miel Bredouw, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's AFE! Tonight, your charming host Ian Karmel is joined by Sean Jordan, Miel Bredouw and musical guest International Waters to draft a fantasy late night talk show! After your local news at 11.Be sure to check out Miel's musical podcast Punch Up The Jam on HeadGum!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy. You can still start. You can still start again. You can still start again. You can still start again. I believe in you. I kind of want that to be it. Yeah.

I kind of, you know, throw people off a little bit. All right. All right. Welcome to another episode of All of the Energy Everything. It's that podcast. Never heard you do that before, and you're good at it. You know who's really good at it? Who?

Missy Elliott. Missy Elliott, dude. Missy Misdemeanor Elliott. Yep. I feel like we were all trying to do what she did. Yeah. We all thought, maybe I'll just do it, but then you can't. No.

Because nobody can do it right. When she does the reverse, like, rapping backwards. There's never a nip at the pen yet. There's never a nip at the pen yet. No. What is it? What is it?

Huh? What is she saying? It's whatever the lyric is before backwards, right? That's all it is. I'll flip it and reverse it. Yeah, and that's it. It's that reverse. Yeah.

I just want everyone to know that because it's fun. If you a fly girl, get your hair done. Get your nails done. Get your nails done. Get your hair did. Get a pedicure. Get your hair did. That was the first time I heard that, probably.

What, just now? Yeah, just now. This is taking a turn. Yeah. This is interesting. This is the podcast now. It's just the way it turned into the... Yeah, this is interesting. This is the podcast now. Yeah, we don't draft things. Dare I say, even just now,

we are the world's foremost Missy Elliott-centric podcast. In this moment. I think right now we could take it. That's Elaine. We could literally switch. We should just do that every week. We just start off with like 20 minutes of drafting stuff and then an hour and 40 minutes of talking about Missy Elliott. Get it out of the way.

So it's still technically all fantasy everything. But then also just talk about how much we love gossip folks. Yeah. I love gossip folks. Everybody loves gossip folks. What's up on the Tom and Carla Park with Live Life Fast and the Scared of Dark? There was a little kid by the name of Chris. No one paid him any mind.

No one gave a shit. No one even rapped and left a hand. So we went about our business and made a master plan. No one gave a shit. No one even rapped and left a hand so we went about a business and made a master plan. Something. That was enough. It's impressive.

Oh, three years later stepped out the cup with ten and a half gators and all over the world on the microphone you hear the dudes smelling like blueberry cologne.

Still riding chrome. Yeah, that's a great song. It's so good. I love it. How do you stop once you start doing that? I don't know if there's a way to stop.

I've sung that song so many times. We're just becoming Punch Up the Jam. Our podcast is emerging. We're just sneaking you in every now and again. Seeing if you laugh. We're getting there. Oh, God. I forget all about the traffic now.

I did too. It took me a minute. I was fucking furious. I carried it about the traffic now. I forget all about it. I did too. It took me a minute. I was fucking furious. I carried it with me like Christ's cross on my shoulder. You know what you need to do? You need to carpool here. Yeah, we carpooled. It was great.

Karaoke. Because I got to drive with David, and I was chill as a cucumber the whole way. We're talking. We're having so much fun. We're talking about Greta Gerwig. God. Greta Gerwig. Oh, yeah.

Noah Baumbach, Francis Ha. A lot of names that I didn't know initially but then it turned out I did I don't want to speak for anyone in the room but Ian really likes Greta Gerwig I have a big crush on Greta Gerwig well may the best man win we'll see

I think Noah Baumbach already did it's down to us you're the two left it's Miel, Ian Carmel and Noah Baumbach already did. It's down to us. You're the two left. It's Mielle, Ian Carmel, and Noah Baumbach, and that's who she's got to pick from on the next episode. Of the weirdest bachelor ever. Of something that none of us would ever participate in, except maybe me.

The weirdest bachelor ever? Yeah. I would do a dating show if I could totally be like, listen, maybe we're not in love yeah but that doesn't mean we can't go to the old spaghetti factory right you just write it on a piece of paper like off camera hey i don't know what happened i stroked i stroked out very very derison britation hebe hebe i don't like it when you talk like that because i feel like i'm stroking two in a row last week and i don't i don't like it again this week i don't like it when you talk like that because I feel like I'm stroking I said it last week and I don't

like it again this week you just stopped talking English good call on week I like it there we go oh yeah studio pro right over my head in the streets with a Cuddy Sarkat on Cuddy Sark sponsor the motherfucker

please they lost their chance I, they lost their chance. I think they lost their chance and now you gotta aim higher. I think so. What's higher? There's a higher... There's a problem.

St. Ives is giving in. Some crooked eyes. A nice cube song I heard. I can't drink St. Ives. St. Ives is giving in. Is St. Ives a liquor? It's a malt liquor. Flavored malt liquor.

I only know the facial scrub and I was very confused. Oh, that's good. Ives a liquor? It's a malt liquor. Flavored malt liquor. Oh, I only know the facial scrub, and I was very confused. Oh, that's good. I would do that. Do the apricot face scrub. It is good. That partnership makes sense. I like a grainy face scrub. It's like a nice mustard.

No, St. Ives. Put it on your face, you know? Well, normally we're using nice mustards. We do a Beaver brand mustard peel in the fridge. I mean, in the shower. Oh, is that real? No. Oh, I'm so excited.

But, you know, it could be. We could make it real. Engelhofer. What do you guys do after this? Make that a reality? Mustard scrubs? Is that real? Do they scrub with mustard?

No. It feels like it would be astringent. Yeah, it's vinegary. Yeah, like you could get the stuff out. It might work. Your skin would crack like a picture. My skin is uncrackable, but I understand. Yeah, I'm just in a look of agreeance.

Also, I was going to say as far as what malt liquor is, back in the 50s, a lot of black people had, you know how they had malted milk shops? Yeah, yeah. Same thing, malted liquor shops. Very common throughout the Midwest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you serious?

Could you get an egg cream at one of those? Of course that's not real. What are you doing? Malted liquor shops? I don't know. Go to a store for malted. I don't fully understand how there's malted beer. My family got to this country in the 40s.

There's no way to tell for me. We just built a raft out of potatoes, my people, and drank whiskey the whole way over. We didn't know what was going on. Go on down to the corner store for a malt. We just built a raft out of potatoes, my people, and drank whiskey the whole way over. We didn't know what was going on. Go on down to the corner store for a malt. Just a big potato raft. Potato raft? You would, you despicable Irish.

Me and Seamus. You and Seamus Torres. Hey, stop eating all the potatoes. A listener, then we'll get on to the official business. Send me a Shane Torres nickname. Hold on. Oh, God.

Hispanic Titanic. Night Tiger. All good, all good. Hold up, bro. Sir Mountain. Hold up. Shigadoo. The Big Cranberry.

Was that a burp? Yeah. Nice. It was awesome. Just fill in dead air for you guys. Thank you. I was talking. Michael Aylshire just tweeted it to me.

That's a fake name. At Ailshire underscore MH. He called him Postmates Malone. That's hilarious. You have to be from something. That's pretty tight. That's such a good joke. Postmates Malone.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fucking A. I like it, man. I was trying to make a congratulations joke, butmates belong. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fucking A. I like it, man. I was trying to make a congratulations joke, but I was not fast enough. There's something. Free libations. Till midnight.

I see you, Postmates. I've never got- What the fuck would I need alcohol delivered to my house before midnight? You know what I mean? I've never got Postmates on my own accord. Oh, I've had Ian's. Don't start, especially on the road.

Don't, don't, don't, don't fucking start, man. Tricky, right? Slippery slope, as they say. It's a slippery slope. If you can get it in a, yeah, don't get it in a hotel. Oh, God.

What are you guys talking about? Zoned out. Postmates. I've never got it. Yeah. I don't know if there's anything I spend more money on. You're not wanting my candle habit.

Dude. Are you being serious? Yes. Some baller ones just showed up at the crib. Free baller ass candles. What are we? What smells are we working with? Soy wax, beeswax, what are we talking?

Oh, God. I don't know. Diptyque. Whatever that is. Come and brand. Is that dip set candles? Dip set. Dip set.

Dip set. Diptyque. Yeah. Jules is paying for his court fees. Scandals. The Dipset Candles. Did Jules know Santana's still in trouble? Yeah, he brought a gun to an airport.

He did? A lot of people bring a lot of stuff to airports. Sebastian's Health Air. Yeah, more people than you would think. I've accidentally brought firecrackers to airports. Have you really? Yeah, I threw them away before I got through the thing, though. I've flown with knives.

Knives? Knives. I've flown with knives. That's a real weapon, Mio. I feel like somebody who flies with knives would call them knives, though. Knives. I've got a bunch of knives. Whatever.

I've flown with a couple knives. Yeah, I've got a bag of knives up there. What do you mean you're not allowed to fly with knives? I saw knives on the sign. You think I saw knives? I'm not sure what that with knives. I saw knives on the sign. You think I saw knives? I'm not sure what that is, but I brought knives. So I can't fly with my girlfriend knives, but I can bring my bag full of knives, obviously. Was it a Scott Pilgrim ref?

Oh, yeah, it was. I thought it was you not knowing Nev Campbell's name. Knives Campbell. You guys want to go see a scream? It's got Knives Campbell in it. That girl from Party of Fife. Knives Campbell. Party of Fife. Knives Campbell. Party of Fife?

Knives Campbell's on Party of Fife, right? You know what? It's Matthew Fox and Scott Wolf, right? They're both in there. Fox and Wolf. I just figured that out. This is like your most Los Angeles conversation. Yeah, I mean, that was another observation. Knife Campbell.

Hat sauce. Hat sauce. What traffic, dude? I'm in a zone. What are we drafting today? Oh, it's a great question. Well, first, I mean, let's talk about

who's in the studio, for God's sake. Oh, okay, okay. Steven Jess is on my left. For God's sake. The Pope of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. What's his shirt? Say Sioux Falls on it.

It's got Sioux Falls. Okay, so Sean's wearing a shirt. Sean has Jordan on Twitter. Not for long. You keep going down the road, you're going. I won't be wearing this. He's wearing a shirt with like,

you know how some shirts, like cities. Often Seattle, I feel like. They'll have like a skyline because they have a recognizable skyline. You'll see like Seattle. It's got the Space Needle. You'll see New York. You'll see like the Chryline because they have a recognizable skyline you'll see like Seattle it's got the Space Needle you'll see New York

you'll see like the Chrysler building or the Empire State Building Sean you can see all those from Sioux Falls the audacity of the shirt has worn a shirt with Sioux Falls' skyline

one of those buildings is like an Ace Hardware right? or like a there's like or a Pep Boys one of them is a cathedral I think

that's not part of downtown it's just if you're off in the distance that's part of the skyline a there's like or a pet boy one of them is a cathedral I think that's not part of downtown it's just if you're off in a distance yeah that's part of the skyline but it's like can you name any of

those buildings uh yeah the clock tower the courthouse museum right here that's a Costco for sure that's a Costco shape Costco's way over here

which one is which one has laser tag in it yes that used to be giggle bees we called it Swizzle Bees. That would have been right above my left nipple. It's not there anymore. Now it's a bank.

Where your heart is. Yeah. Does the bank have laser tag? They can. Only on Fridays. We get a bag of knives. They got real life laser tag if you go in there with a knife. Yeah, a knife. Hey, you guys want to go play knife laser tag? That would be fun if you stab and then it lights up when you've been stabbed.

That, like one of those retractable ones? Yeah, retractable knife. Like murder. Like an electronic. I thought you were saying if you really stabbed the people. Yeah, it's just a murder house. You can stab them if you really want to. Uh-huh.

You can stab them if you really want. But you must die. Die and die. Die and die. You'll be dead at last. There's gotta be a woman named Diane Dye out there. And I'm gonna find her. John, any other thing to promote? You know, I'll be in

Bloomington, Indiana at the end of the month of our Lord, May 2018. Also the year of our Lord. So go to that. Now the month of our Lord, May 2018. Also the year of our Lord. So go to that. Now, when you say our Lord, you mean Slim Thug, right? The rapper Slim Thug? What was the big Slim Thug song?

I don't know. Oh, Thug from Around the Way. Thug? Slim Thug, yeah. Wasn't it Thug from Around the Way? Thug from around the, Thug from around, yeah. Yeah, that song's great, too. God, Slim Thug is big. Still, Thug was the hit, though. I'm not going to get into this. No, Slim Thug. Listen to Slim Thug from Around the Way. Thug from Around the, Thug from Around, yeah. Thug from Around, yeah, that song's great, too. God, Slim Thug is the hit. Still tipping with the hit, though.

I'm not going to get into this, but. No, Slim Thug, listen to Slim Thug. Yeah. Listen to AFV, and then listen to Slim Thug. Uh-huh. Directly afterwards. Yeah. I'm just killing it.

Sean Jordan's not the only one in here. He hasn't been doing a cavalcade of voices. We also have David Borey, the G is silent. Yuck, yuck. On Twitter, CoolCaiJokes87 on Instagram. Yes, sir. And what's up? I'm going to be in San Francisco.

So the weekend that this comes out, I'm going to be in San Francisco for a wedding, but I'm also doing a show on the 25th of May out there. Who's wedding? What? Who's wedding? My friend Justin Gomes is marrying longtime sweetheart Katie Sharp. And shout out to my man Justin hyphenating his last name. Yeah, he's going big.

What a bitch. Airhorns. Airhorns. As many airhorns as it takes to be funny. However many. And a tornado siren. And a tornado siren. And then Austin Powers saying, yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby. Maybe like a weatherman going, this just in. This just in. No, I think that's wonderful. I'm very proud of him, too. His last name is Gomes. Yeah. And her last name is Sharp.

He's going Gomes Sharp instead of Sharp Gomes because that sounds like a joke. Sharp Gomes. Has he considered, instead of hyphenating, just taking her last name? For real. His last name is weird as hell. Gomes? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shout out to our Portuguese following.

Oh, yeah. I don't want you to feel that way. Oh, like Gomez. If you could choose between Gomes and Sharp, Sharp sounds like a novel from the 18th century. Sharp sounds too much like cheddar to me. Is that a bad thing? I don't want to have a cheese name.

Listen, that's not the point. We cut you off, by the way. Where is your show? I didn't even let you finish. I don't remember. The point, I think it's a piano fight. It'll be off, by the way. Where is your show? I didn't even let you finish. I don't remember. The point, I think it's at Piano Fight. It'll be on Twitter for you guys. The point is, thank you.

Shout out to Justin and Katie. Yeah. Getting married, making this a thing official. Do they listen? Congrats, man. I think Justin might. Alright, Justin. I think Justin might. Yeah, I would've taken Gomes. Justin listens? I would've taken Gomes. I bet I would have taken gomes.

I would have taken gomes, I'll tell you. Oh, yeah, all right. That'll be fun, a little wedding. Yeah, I'm excited. Are you gonna have a couple drinks?

Gonna have a couple drinks. Gonna, I gotta get, I gotta get like a, like a blazer or a, I gotta get, I gotta come through. Yeah.

Maybe like a nice linen scarf. I don't know. A scarf, like an ascot? Yeah, but like, but a big one, like a nice linen scarf. I don't know. A scarf? Like an ascot? Yeah, but a big one, like a shawl. So you get out of having to wear a jacket. Like Lily Tomlin? Yeah.

So like a turtleneck. Oh, yeah. That's too hot. And then a full Pendleton blanket, but worn as a scarf, Lenny Kravitz style. Listen, you guys, I was just gonna get probably a blue shirt. Kilt. Maybe a green one. Throw a scarf on there.

I just want to look wedding appropriate. I'm going to try not to wear sneakers is my whole thing. What about a cape? But like the cool 1920s kind of. I just started not wearing sneakers. I can't wear a cape. What? Everyone's at the after party like, you see, David, he stopped wearing sneakers.

I'll tell you what he's wearing now. Yeah. Capes. He's wearing the sneaker of the torso is what he's wearing. Just saying. Is that? I guess it doesn't help you. No, it's not.

It's like the- Hi, to be quiet. I also can't, I just can't explain it on the streets. Because at some point, I'm just going to be walking around the street. Yeah. Bring it back. You could be the one to make them cool again. There's a lot of movements I've thought I could spearhead, to be completely honest with you.

Too tired for the cake? Baked chicken wings. Oh, yeah. You can spearhead that. Tank tops in the pool. Okay. I can't bring cape pants. Tank tops in the pool are cool.

They're called tankinis. Maybe not for men, but for women. I feel like we're thinking of different tank tops. I'm just saying it happens. I'm thinking of wife beaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a tights. I don't like that term, but what do you call it? A-shirt? We need a better name for it. I feel like we're thinking of different tank tops. I'm just saying it happens. I'm thinking of wife beaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a tight, I don't like that term,

but like, what do you call it? A-shirt? We need a better name for it. I think it's just an undershirt. But an undershirt, I think, was sleek.

Yeah, a ribbed tank top. A tank top. A ribbed tank top. There you go. Okay, a spouse beater. So that way, it's gender neutral. Like a partner beater? Yeah, a partner beater. I'm going to call it a husband beater. So that way it's gender neutral.

Like a partner beater? Yeah, a partner beater. I'm gonna call it a husband beater to make up for lost time. Depending on who's wearing it. You should call it a husband beater for the next 60 years and then it becomes a spouse beater. We neutralized it. I think we fixed it.

Modern liberalism. Handling shit. And by the way, David is drinking kombucha So yeah Up here drinking kombucha thinking you can't pull off a cape One day you'll look back on this time and laugh In your cape I think you guys are underestimating how big of a move that is

It would be such a big move You could give it a drapey one Not like a stiff one One that kind of doesn't look like a cape until you pull your arms out and there's no sleeve hole What's it going to look like when my until you pull your arms out and there's no sleeve hole. What's it going to look like when my arms are in? Like a really cool bird. I have a picture in my head.

And I imagine all the listeners have the same picture of what you look like. It's fucking, it's perfect. They'd thank you. They'd give you all the wedding presents. They'd be like, you're the present. That's the risk. I'm also not trying to take the shine off of the gold-starved wedding. That's kind of the point of weddings, gold and sharp wedding that's the only reason that's kind of the point

of weddings isn't it it's not me now no it's love it's love for the ages look for enough they would both take your last name if you showed up in a car

either way the bloodline the bloodline rides I'm just trying to make sure the belt matches the shoes you know what I mean I feel ya and that's not like

some strange hair innuendo that's like I want my shoes to be the same color as the belt that I'm wearing trying to make sure the belt matches the shoes. You know what I mean? I feel you. And that's not like some strange hair innuendo. That's like, I want my shoes to be the same color as the belt that I'm wearing. I feel you. They say that's the move. I support you, but I might get hashtag Kate for David trending. I don't know. I understand. I understand.

You got to do what you got to do. I got a couple of tailored suits last summer, and I wore one to a wedding. And I'll tell you this. It doesn't stop you from getting blackout drunk. I didn't think that. Part of me thought it did. Part of me thought, yeah, part of me is like, I'm wearing a tailored suit.

I'm not going to get blackout drunk. Eight alcoholic popsicles later, your boy is waking up with a note in a hotel room. They set you up for failure with alcoholic popsicles. Wait, who wrote a note? A girl. No, the bride's cousin who found me very charming until a certain point when I barfed. Oh, what?

And then they brought me back to the hotel room. Eight popsicles made you barf? Well, I had eight popsicles. There was a lot of hors d'oeuvres. Listen to last week's app. It was in Eugene, Oregon, which affects things somehow on a level we can't percept. You don't even know what's going on. It's like you kind of travel.

You just kind of go through that Wakanda wall, but it's the opposite of going through the Wakanda wall. And again, I'd like to say, I was wearing a tailored burgundy suit. I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions. No, dude, you shouldn't. I think that almost equalizes it. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a drunk maniac, but I look great. We're lucky nobody got pregnant. Yes. Somebody might have. Nobody got pregnant. I mean, someone got pregnant in Eugene that night. Yeah, and I had drunk maniac, but I look great. We're lucky nobody got pregnant. Yes. Somebody might have. Nobody got pregnant. I mean, someone got pregnant in Eugene that night. Yeah, and I had something to do with it, even though I may not have been the father. Yeah, yeah.

But I like to think I was involved. You might be the father. Somebody saw you walking on the street in a burgundy suit. Yes. They were both in the mood. Yeah. They saw it. They said, baby, we don't need to go see whatever movie we're at at the time.

Is it the dollar movies right now? Yeah. Tully. We're going to go on behind the Tasty Freeze. Creed. We're going to get a little Jack and Diane. Yeah. is it the dollar movies right now? Yeah. Tully. We're gonna go on behind the Tasty Freeze. Creed. We're gonna get a little Jack and Diane.

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Ha ha. Yeah, yeah. Sucking down chili dogs. That would have been right around the Creed time. That was a good pull.

Dollar Theater. Creed, I feel like, would have been maybe in the Dollar Theater. Yeah. Yeah, man. You see somebody in a burgundy suit,

it's like, yeah, there is hope for this world. It's a nice suit. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. With my eyes. Ooh.

Glad you clarified. I saw it with my eyes and my heart. So we have Sean here. We have David here. And if you're one of those people who actually reads the episode description instead of jumping in blind. Nerd. And letting us steer the ship, me-o-bray-do.

Bray-do. Bray-do. Bray Bredo. Bredo. Bredo. Bredo. Bredo. Redondo. Redondo. Whenever Ian says Redondo,

I think of Bredo for some reason. Oh, well, thanks, I guess. Same voice. Is that good? Is that bad? Yeah, it's good. Okay. I say Redondo all the time. I like to say Redondo Creech instead of Beach.

Oh, Redondo Creech because we're Crips. Yeah. I don't say Bees. I don't. I'm from the Crack Hills. That's where I was born. Crack Hills, South Dakota. That feels righter than you wanted it to be.

The Crack Hills. Yeah. Oh, Bees. That feels right. Shouldn't it be the Cock Hills? Or do you start everywhere with CR? Change the R. Oh, geez. That feels right. Shouldn't it be the Clack Hills? Or do you start everywhere with CR? Change the R. Oh, yeah.

I did put the R. It should be the Clack Hills. That's way worse. Yeah, just crack. The Sha-Clack Hills. Sha-Clack Hills. Miel Brado. Hi.

Hi. Host of the Pump Up the Jam podcast. Yeah. Yeah. And. Regular bitch here. Regula. Regula degula uh

comedian I mean I guess I feel weird calling myself that cause like yeah maybe I make a living making people laugh

but I don't really do stand up at all so it feels like a lie do you get sad sometimes oh horribly all the time you're a comedian

you can't be funny and not otherwise why did you become funny? Do you spend more money on weed than healthcare? Oh, wait. Are we right? Are we doing...

Drag me to hell. If you spend more money on weed than healthcare, you might be a comedian. Also a redneck. You might be a comedian. Yeah, maybe true. Or a hippie.

Or a hippie. You'd be surprised how many of those rednecks things crossed over into other things. You've eaten more meals in a 7-Eleven than with your family. You might be a stand-up comedian. If you have a day job that you lie to your mother about, you might be a stand-up comedian.

If you cried in the laundry room of a Motel 6 alone, you might be a comedian. If you drove nine hours to do stand-up and got paid in chicken wings and then got chicken wings after the show, you might be a comedian. If you've been bumped by an all-male review at a club with

comedy in the name, you might be a stand-up comedian. If you killed a dude named David Borey in the desert seven years ago after his show that you didn't much care for wore his skin like a suit and got on television, you might be a comedian. I don't. No more. No more. Okay. Okay.

I don't think we could do it anymore. That was the last one. I'm going to live in this universe in which David is actually a murderer living in a skin suit for the rest of time. Live in that crazy universe. What would that be like? That would be nuts. At me all on Twitter. Hi.

At me all monster on Instagram. Right at the top of the dome. Good job. Those aren't easy because they're different. Frequent all fantasy everything guest. Thank you for having me. And somebody today just tweeted about Pump Up the Gym. Said that they got into it from hearing one of us somewhere. I don't know, but they were super stoked on it.

Probably me on it today. Yeah, David's episode came out today. Sorry, I said Pump Up the Gym. Oh, yeah, you were. Came out today. Isn't there a song that can't be improved? Didn't you do like... Hey Ma.

Hey Ma. Or Hey Ma. Oh, I read it as Hey Ya. Yeah, I wanted to take that up with you. So we didn't actually change it other than made it

Hey Mom. Yeah. And now it's just a call between you and your mom. Hey Mom. I like it. I'm not saying I don't like that.

I like it a lot. It's like, Hey Mom, did you sleep? I'm trying. I love you so freaking much. It was adorable. It was so great. I love you so freaking much. It was adorable. It was so great.

I love you so freaking much. It's so good. No, we don't mess with greatness. We know that's a good song. That is a good song. Did you eat? Uh-uh. Me too.

All right. All right. I love you so freaking much. Don't you ever say a fucking A! Where's that? California. He left. I'm crying.

He's going to be there all your life. Do you have anything to promote me, Elberetto? No. I did think about it. Fucking nice. I write some things on my phone calendar and then some things on my wall calendar. And I never cross-reference the two, so maybe, maybe. Something might be coming up.

Could be. Keep your eye on the ball, Twitter followers. Yeah, don't sleep on it. Yeah. I'm Ian Carmel. Damn right you are. Add Ian Carmel on Twitter. Playboy.

Add Ian Carmel on Instagram. Yuck, yuck. Ian Carmel on Facebook. Uh-huh. Ian Carmel on Bumble. Why? What about Snapchat, dude? Jorge Gorgeous on Snapchat. You still use Snapchat? No. No. Damn. Yeah, no, me either. book uh-huh you know carmel on bumble why what about snapchat joshua jorge gorgeous on snapchat

you still use snapchat no no yeah no me either no one does right i didn't reinstall it the other day oh did you are you doing a family group chat called family matters that i think is aptly titled oh my god i didn't know anyone still used it my uncle tim uses it like a muff once uh kylie jen out, I was like, I'm back in. I got a spot. Is she out? She was out on some bullshit. You always kind of do the opposite of what Kylie Jenner says.

Yeah, I've felt that. I've felt that. Really, Kylie does a lot of the opposite of what I'm up to. And see. When she was dating Tyga, you were dating Lion. No. How did you get were dating Lion. No. How did you get that so fast? No.

You might be a comedian. No. No? Hard pass. All right, fine. No, I'm in. I'm pretty sure Lions are the opposite of Tigers, but apparently I'm the fucking asshole. Tiger.

Tiger. Is that what we said? Tyga. Tyga. Leon. Leon. Tia Leon. He and I was dating France. Tiger. Tiger. Is that what we said? Tiger. Tiger. Leon. Leon. Tia Leon. Leon's dating France. All of it. Tia Leon. I'll give you that. That's the exact

opposite of Tiger. Tiger. Tia Leon. It's just science. Are they pumping laughing gas into this room? For God's sake. No, we're just hilarious. It's just been hot. I feel crazy when it's hot. Yeah. I shouldn't live in the city. I feel crazy when it's hot. Yeah. I shouldn't live in the city.

I feel hot when it's crazy. Yeah. So, you know. Damn. Hell yeah. Unpack that however you need to. What are we drafting? David's standing on top of an on-fire Buick LeSabre wearing half a clown wig, no shirt,

and Zubaz pants, two chainsaws looking sexier than ever. Is the half a clown wig down the middle or just not quite as long? It's around the back. Male patterned bald wig. It's good. I got a bald wig. I got a bald clown wig. Nobody saw it coming.

God damn it. I'm having a great time. I'm very excited about this draft. Oh yeah, let's get to it listen to all fantasy everything as you're listening to this I think I'm in London right now when is it?

hello are you going to do any shows? well maybe we'll see how long are you there for? I'm there for one week and then I come back and then I come back here for two weeks. Yes, Ben.

And then I go back for a week and then I go to Italy to fight and kill Mario from the Mario Brothers. Oh, I thought you were going to say Mario Wynon, the R&B singer. No, he's actually on my side. Understandable. It's me, Mario Wynon, Cece Wynan, Mario Van Peebles. Why are most of the Marios I know black guys? Wow. I'm trying to think of another one right now, and I immediately thought of a black guy, Mario Hodge.

Mario Battali. Battali. Mario Battali, white dude. Mario Battali, black dude, soccer player. Mario Lopez. Okay, well, yeah. I don't know any white dude Marios. No. Mario Rubicalba, black dude soccer player. Mario Lopez. Okay, well, yeah. I don't know any white dude Mario. No.

Mario Rubicaba, old skateboarder. Marco Rubio, not a Mario. So, from what I've heard, heard it as I said it. Mario, what I'm hearing is that you're team strong, but what are you guys going to be wearing over there? Actually, white linen pants. Yeah, you have to.

It's Italy. It's Italy. I would love to say jeans on, but no. My white linen pants on. Yeah, jeans off. That's going to be fun, though. Jeans off. Team soft.

Bring back some olive oil. I'll bring back olive oil for everybody. Oh, but like that designer olive oil. Yeah, yeah. You could just dip bread in there. Panda, panda, panda. That's a sauce now. It's not oil.

That's sauce. I put, I, sometimes I order pizza with just olive oil on it. Oh, really? Wait, no sauce? No sauce. Wait, just bread and olive oil. I'm like so anti just olive oil on it. Oh, really? Wait, no sauce? No sauce. Wait, just bread and olive oil? I'm like so anti-red sauce on pizza. What?

Like if I'm ordering a pizza at my crib, it's always olive oil, pesto, or alfredo. Have you ever heard this? Because I've never heard this. Is that a pizza? That's a flatbread. I love finding out new stuff about each other. We've had so many pizzas together and you've never brought this up. Because when I do it at my house, like if I ordered one and you guys were at my crib,

it would be pesto. But I don't want to force that on you. See, David doesn't like red sauce and he'll stomach it. He'll let it happen. No, I like red sauce. Right, but he prefers- I feel like mushrooms and onions are going to come up. Maybe somebody who doesn't like mushrooms and onions or olives.

Three of the dopest things you could put on a pizza. Yeah, or crabs. Yeah, or crab. Well, not crab cakes. If you put on a pizza. Yeah, or crabs. Yeah, or crab. Well, not crab cakes. If you put crab cakes all over it, I'd be down. What about pineapple? Do I like pineapple on pizza? I fuck with it hard. I think I don't, but it's because I do those

different sauces. Pesto pineapple would be horrible. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think it's because of that. Those conflict. I do a lot of like, I'll do like basil, tomato, a chicken bacon basil pizza, pesto pizza. Huh, okay do a lot of like, I'll do like basil, tomato, a chicken bacon basil pesto pizza. Huh, okay. A lot of Italian sausage pesto. Okay.

I got my moves. Chicken bacon basil pesto, is that what you said? Chicken bacon basil pesto. Damn, Gina. Basil and pesto. Yeah, yeah. Well, just when they put the leaves on top. A little spicy extra.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. But I also do a lot of spinach. I got a whole thing. It's a whole thing. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. So we're not drafting pizzas.

No. No. But if we did. What a great idea that would be. What we are drafting is we're drafting a fantasy, an all fantasy fantasy, late night talk show lineup. Host, band leader, three guests. Here's another question. Host. Band leader. Three guests.

Here's another question. Yes. Is that how we're going to draft it? However you want to do it. Oh, yeah. Oh, we can draft it however. Oh, the order or whatever. Everybody's order is different. Everyone's order is different?

Oh, yeah. It could be. Or it could be the same. Because we've done it where it just organically works out as the same. Hey. And we've done it where they're different. Whatever way you want to go with it. No rules?

If you feel like you need to get a guest out first round, whatever. Okay, I like anarchy. Let's do it. Whatever blows your hair back, you know? And your hair is blown back right now. It is. You look like the villain from The Incredibles. There's something about Mary. I feel like, did you ever see that movie Funny People? Yeah. When he's

like, you look like something about Mary with the bloody spoof in her hair. That's how you look to me. Why did you reference the movie referencing the other movie? Because I think about it in that accent. You look like you're falling out of a building. You have to explain the voice. Shaking my bingo wings.

This is a fun visual gag. Why keep flailing inflatable tube, man? This is good for the podcast. Listeners. Just picture it. All right. All right.

So let's. And we're off. What kind of draft is it? Well, the way we determine the order of the draft before we get to that is through a rollicky game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you. We throw and shoot. Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Yeah. Sean Patrick Mellon Jordan. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Yeah! Sean Patrick Mellon Jordan. Sean Cougar, insane. In the main. Crosby, stills. Clown, Mellon.

Nash Bridges over Madison County. Claude Van... Gross. Bon Jove. Bon Jove. Yeah, I'm first. Okay. You're first?

Oh, no, I'm first. Okay. You're first? Well, you were first. I was going to say I won. Before you pick the order of the draft, I want to remind you it is a serpentine draft. Now, what does that mean? It's a great question. Great question. I'll tell you, Brito. Let's say that you're at the gym.

You're lifting free weights. You got one in each hand, right? Yeah, I think you did this last time. It was a snake. I was at the gym last time. Okay, okay. You were at the gym. That's fine.

You were at the gym on the break. It got cold in here. I know. It got cold. She just throws it at me, the attitude constantly. I don't know what to do. I might got to go get my scarf. Now I'm not even looking over there.

My wedding scarf. It's not your cape. Your cape. I feel like this level of frigid air warrants a cape. I want you to get my wedding scarf. You're coming around. Your wedding cape. It's freezing in here.

Sean, I'm really sorry. Continue, please. You're looking in the mirror. You're lifting free weights wedding cape It's freezing in here Sean I'm really sorry Continue please You're looking in the mirror You're lifting free weights One in each hand You do a curl with the right arm You lean down And you kiss your bicep

And then you do a curl With the left arm You lean down You kiss your bicep But then you do another curl With the left arm Oh And then you lean down

And you kiss your bicep And then you look back At your right arm You're like well now It's odd and even So you do a curl You kiss your bicep and then you look back at your right arm like well now it's odd and even so you do a curl you kiss your bicep and then you just kind of keep going until you

die because your biceps are amazing. So if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round basically. Or that. Now knowing that what is the order of this draft going to be? Shit man. I feel like you have to punish me for being so mean to you right at the top. That's mean.

Sounds like a point. What the fuck was that about? Sounds like a trick to me. So Miel's last. All right, we'll go David, me, Ian, Miel. Fuck. Tight. I am tight with that.

Gosh, am I? I don't know, dude. This is scary now. Well, David Borey, you've been selected to have the first pick in the fantasy late night lineup, all fantasy, everything draft. You are on the clock with your first pick. So I'm going with the host first because this is the one that was the hardest for me to figure out. It's hard, dude. I like this person a lot.

I think this person has a big career either way, but a talk show could be a wonderful direction for it. Yeah. I think that we all want to hear what she has to say with a lot of hit people. Okay. Cardi B. Oh, wow. She's my host. Yeah.

She just guest hosted whatever show and crushed it. She's so good at talking to people. Sarah show and crushed it. She's like so good at talking to people. Like that's like how I like even like her rap is good and I like that love the album and stuff like that. Yeah. But I came to be a fan of her just watching her talk to people. Well, you know, what's funny is now that like now that you know, we're on so many different

levels when you listen to like those those rap songs that are pretty hard. It's like I'm like, oh, she's so much nicer than that. Like she just sounds like nicer than like a hard ass rap song. Does that make sense? Yeah. But they than that. Like, she just sounds, like, nicer than, like, a hard-ass rap song. Does that make sense? Yeah, but I mean, some of the songs like that. Like, they're good still. The music's still really good. But some of the songs, when you listen to them, you're like, that's exactly how hard you are, though.

Yeah. And that's why it's so great. Yeah. I just think, I think she's, like, I think she's really good at relating to people. Yeah. Like, because to be a good host, you have to relate to people who are different than you. Uh-huh. Obviously, right?

Because you're dealing with a wide array of personalities i think she would be great to that i think she would make it relatable for i just think she would be a great host so charismatic i think and she's so entertaining so charismatic yeah that's a great pick do you think she could handle the monologue i think that a monologue i think that's why i think it would be great yeah because we could put we could like bring in people who could write for her. Right. And really have like great, new, interesting. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It wouldn't just be like, so did you see this the other day? Well, it's also a lady house. Jay Leno bought another motorcycle. I don't know whose monologue I was. Jay Leno bought another motorcycle. The lady bike show that does jokes about other ladies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But from like 10 years ago? Yeah, see this? James Corden's from England. Hey. Hey. But she would be able to do her patent. Hey, she could do the Cardi B fucking. I think she would be.

I think personally it would be so fun to just write monologue jokes for Cardi B. Jimmy Fallon is just straight up ripping her off like her noises and stuff now. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. He was on like SNL the other night and he like ripped off one of her noises. The okurr thing. Man, she's so like, there's so much.

It's evergreen. I think it would be quite the challenge to build a show around her. But if you pulled it off, high risk, high reward. That's how I play. I swim for the fence. Well, you wonder what she's going to be like when she hits late night host age. She's also very young right now. Yeah.

You got to be like 40 before you can host a late night. I don't know. Like 36? Doesn't that feel young, though? Maybe 37. Does that not feel young, though? Fuck me. Maybe 37. Does that not feel young, though, for it? That's young. He was hella young.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems like... I'm thinking like a solid 43, 44. No, dude, that's... I mean, maybe before, but to me, Fallon wasn't that old when he started. Yeah, it feels like things are going younger a little bit. I could see it being younger. Fallon wasn't that old.

How old was... I don't know. He seems like he's 16 constantly. Maybe they were like mid to late 30s all. Because how old was Conan? Probably same region. Maybe early 40s. Although, no, when he got late late or...

The Tonight Show. The Late Show. Yeah, the Late Show. 30s, yeah. Late 30s? No buck. I have seven years to become a late night show. Or it's not going to happen. Nobody's on their way out, so there's no... Yeah, I'm out. I have seven years to become a late night. Nobody's on their way out. So like,

there's no, yeah, that's not, we got plenty of time. You have to do like a thesis and Miro type thing. Yeah. Cardi B. Yeah.

She's, she is mad charismatic. Those couch bits she did with Fallon. She was like, you can't take your eyes off her. Yeah. Yeah. She just, she's,

she was, what was it? Was she reading mean tweets or something yeah yeah she just she's she was what was it was she reading mean tweets or something and she just was glowing the whole time or was she reading trump tweets or something it was something oh they made a rap i glow when i read trump tweets it was just funny because she's like he really talks like this and the smile on her face is like she just oh is that the grammys bit that we wrote yeah was it is that what i'm talking about yeah when they're reading fire and fury yeah yeah okay yeah she's just like he really talks like this yeah and just couldn't Oh, is that the Grammys bit that we wrote? Yeah, was it? Is that what I'm talking about? Yeah, when they're reading Fire and Fury. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Where she's just like, he really talks like this? Yeah. And she's like, I'm going to go on with my life and have fun. Fuck this dude. I think she would also break down a lot, which would be funny. Like the Jimmy Fallon laughing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you mean like, crap. Okay, I thought you meant have a lot of breakdowns. I was like, is that funny? No, I'm not a monster. No, but she can be serious. 105 times Fallon does that? I love it. I'll tell you the truth.

I like it sometimes when he does that. When he starts cracking up? When he laughs at himself? I think Jimmy Fallon gets unnecessarily shit on. I do. I completely agree. Maybe part of that is working in the medium, but I'm like, it is hard to do a show every single fucking day.

I've heard he's a nice dude, too. I thought he was like the one that people, like everybody's mom watches. Cool people shit on him now, though. No, he's not the cool one. Chris, do I look cool people shit? I yawned. I yawned from the microphone.

He's the one that like cool everybody like online loves to shit on Jimmy Fallon, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I really appreciate you trying to talk through the yawn. That was a power play. I'm a pro play I'm a pro god damn power move

I need to be heard every second alright Cardi B in your head is this a network late night show or are you maybe going more niche

niche I think it's all gonna be niche niche dude by the time I'm in position to make my dream network show with people dead or alive it's gonna be it's gonna be it's all going to be... Niche. Niche, dude. By the time I'm in position to make my dream network show with people dead or alive, it's

going to be... It's going to be... It's all going to be streaming or whatever new shit we're on. Good point. It's not going to be on ABC, no. It's broadcast right into people's brains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brought to you by Colgate, right?

Yeah, it's the chip. Yeah, yeah. It's the chip. It's the chip. Brought to you by Colgate, yeah. Okay, I'm developing a deal with the chip. Sean Jordan. All right.

We're going... Man, I'm playing jazz here. We're going band leader. Band leader first. Band leader first. Just because I got, it was like the only pick I kind of got stoked on. But it's the only one with exclamation points behind it, actually, on all my, all these names. But my band leader is going to be Freddie Mercury. Oh.

Damn. All right. And I'm pretty. Okay, we're playing now. Okay. Okay. It's getting hot here. No, no, no, no. That's fine. Oh! Damn. Fuck! Okay, we're playing now. Okay, okay. It's getting hot in here. No, no, no, that's fine. That's fine, that's fine.

Shit! I'm wearing a spouse beater. I can take my shirt off. So Freddie Mercury is a little too much attitude to wrangle into a band leader. Yeah. But I feel like that would be...

I feel like as long as I... I'm still waiting on the host. I have a couple options. But as long as I get that right, it'll be fun. I can't wait to see who this host is. Who's going to outshine. Who you think people are going to pay attention to while Freddie Mercury's over there just fucking strutting around the side stage. This is going to be damn near like they share the spotlight kind of late show. Here's a question.

Does he have his mic the way it wasn't wimbledon i don't know how it wasn't wimbledon you know when the when the when the bass was down wimbledon oh wembley wembley wembley yeah yeah when the when the bass was off and it's just like a microphone and then a long stick oh god yeah you know what i mean no bass because that freed up a lot of movement yeah as a performer that was very he's gonna be he's not gonna be able to like leave and go everywhere he wants. He's going to be with the band. So like on any late night show, the band

does the theme song. What are you picturing for this theme song? I didn't even think about that. Honestly, I was just thinking about Freddie Mercury just being just putting the Freddie Mercury spice onto whatever. I don't know. I mean, they could do whatever they want.

They could just do Queen songs if they want to. Hey there, thanks for tuning in to our late, late night show. You're sitting there on your couch. Doritos ready to go. We got guests. We got comedy. We got interviews too. Bang, bang.

Don't change the channel or I'll show up and punch you in the face. So I'm just guessing. Do you know who Freddie Mercury sounds like? What? I'm going to sit here and do a fucking Freddie Mercury? It is. Oh, oh, oh.

I'm going to fucking sit here. I'm going to fucking sit here. Oh, I thought that was your Freddie Mercury. That was. Was it good? It actually was. It is cold on that side of the room, I'll tell you. A lot of shade over there.

A lot of shade. I pay my dues time after fucking time. See, that sounds like Freddie Mercury. Right? A little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear it now. I've never heard him talk.

Oh, he was British in real life. Freddie Mercury said he was the best looking man on the planet at one point, which I love when someone says something like that. I mean, you gotta feel it. I'm pretty. Yeah, I don't know if he was. I don't know if he was objectively, but he made it happen. When you put all the things together, he might have been the most attractive man on the planet.

Yeah. Yeah, or like the sexiest, you know? All the stuff together. Yeah. Attractive. The stash, the mic stand, the fame and fortune. The outfits. Is the band Queen?

Is it just Queen? You can pick the whole band. We can pick the whole band. Yeah. Because if you're taking like Questlove, you know, you're going to get... I mean, they don't have to. I mean, because honestly, Freddie Mercury was Queen.

To me, I don't, you know, I don't think I couldn't. He doesn't care about the music. On a poster, I wouldn't know who it was unless Freddie Mercury was there. Brian May? Others? I wouldn't have even got Brian May. He could be lying to me. Can anyone name one other meal? No, Brian have even got Brian May. You could be lying to me. Can anyone name one other meal? No, Brian May was all I got.

It's an ambitious pick. You know they're making a Queen movie. I didn't. Who's playing? Yeah, Rami Malek. Rami Malek from Mr. Robot. Whoa. Yeah.

Adam. Oh, I thought you said Romany. Romany Malco? I was like, whoa. All right. So fucking Romany Malco, dude. Afterweeds, man. His career took a weird turn.

Friend of the podcast, Adam Neuroth. Oh, yeah, friend of the pod for sure. He's been killing me. But anyway, he was recommending Mr. Robot real hard. It's all right. Because I haven't actually watched it. He was fucking gunning for it. He said it was dope.

Pretty good. Not gunning for it. He was riding for it. Anyway, Freddie Mercury. I just have a picture. I think it's a great choice. Yeah, just a fun show in my head. A lot of my shit never makes.

Friendy podcast with Adam Neuroth. It doesn't congeal too well. My stuff doesn't. But I don't know. I just a fun show in my head. A lot of my shit never makes... Friendly podcast It doesn't congeal too well. My stuff doesn't, but I like... I don't know. I just want Freddie Mercury in there. So you like... When we do these ensemble drafts, you feel like it's just a loose... I try to get a theme. A loose bowl of jello mix. Just a big open...

It never comes together. Big open bowl of like... It's kind of the top comes together. An uncooked lasagna. The tops, there's that gross like nacho cheese layer on the top, but then you stir it away and it's like... God, I love top lasagna. There's that gross nacho cheese layer on the top, but then you stir it away and it's like... It just disappears. I'll fucking make us lasagna. You know what we should get in on?

Maybe Marissa turned on the mics. Top lasagna singles. Oh shit, like a Kraft single? Also, I was thinking a dating service. Oh! Wait, like lasagna as a slice of cheese? Yeah! Like a Kraft single? Also, I was thinking a dating service, but either way. Wait, like lasagna as a slice of cheese? Yeah.

But it's just that top layer, so there's like a little ricotta on there, but it's mostly melted. Oh, I love that idea. Crusty little pasta underneath? Yeah. Yeah. That's the only part I want. Also, the number one Italian-American dating app in the Tri-Z. Lasagna singles.

Lasagna singles. Lasagna singles. Sure. Your Garfield? Top lasagna singles in your area. Everyone's Garfield on that app. Yeah. Yeah. There's a thousand Garfields.

It's also the number one Garfield enthusiasm app. Yeah. Maybe it's for furries that only dresses Garfields. There's never Mondays on that calendar, you know? Oh, man. Hard Garfin. Fart Barfuckle. Fart Barf Uncle. Fart Barf Uncle?

Have we said that on here yet? I don't think so. We were sitting around. I think I was definitely under the influence of the devil's marijuana. Oh, my God. And what were we just saying? We were talking about what bullies would have called Art Garfunkel

in school, and Ian said barf, or he said barf fart knuckle. Oh, yeah! And fart barf knuckle. Yeah, it's great! Which would you rather be called? Barf fart knuckle or fart barf knuckle? Barf knuckle is easier to say.

Here's what I think. I would rather be barf fart knuckle because then they would probably shorten it to barf. Yeah, people would just call you barf. You want to be called barf over fart? Or fart? Barf over fart, yeah. I'd rather be called barf than fart. I think barfing is a little cool. Farting is always cool.

But now it's maybe like you earned it drinking maybe? Maybe if I get drunk and I meet somebody, I can convince somebody it's Garth or something. Fart is just like, fart is fart. I'd rather be barf than fart. If I'm a bully, I would rather say fart barf knuckle because it makes me laugh so hard every time. Fart barf knuckle. Fart barf knuckle. Can you imagine

if Art Garfunkel's girlfriend came up and you're like, I'm dating fart barf knuckle. I would laugh. I would laugh. I would laugh. That's how good it was. It works for me. Hey, fart barf knuckle.

Say hi to your mom. Shut up. Shut up. It's barf. I'm going to be the most forgettable part of an iconic folk duo. It's barf all of you. Fart their barf knuckle. It's fart barf ofw Fartther Fartther Barfknuckle It's Fartbarfamew

Told you It's a check Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this room? I feel like I'm dying I'm gonna have to pee sooner than I was going to Because I'm laughing so hard Fartbarfnuckle dude Speaking of fartbarfnuckle

Ian Don't put that on me Don't put that on me No I didn't mean to. Now you're just bullying. I've been here too long. I'm rubbing off on you. I'm not a god-done bully, all right?

I pitched Fart Barfinkle on our show as a bit where it's called High School Bully, where we just come up with celebrities and how we would bully them. And a few of the writers and I came up with a list of names. Do you have them? Yeah, I'm going to read them right now. So I assume it didn't go then. It does not. No, we're going to go. Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Dwayne the Dork Johnson. Michael Pena. Micro Penias. Queen Latifah was Pen Laquifa. Jennifer Aniston is Jennifer Anistown. For James Corndog, I pitched Ham Corndog. You called him James Corndog. Yeah.

Thomas Middleditch, Bing Bong Titty Bitch. Bing Bong! Bing Bong! Miel, tell your bloodline to tune in to the Late Late Show, and this will be a bit. Because you are reacting, and I'm digging it. Bing Bong is not a fucking name! Nor is it a name to make fun of somebody that's so funny! It doesn't sound like Thomas at all. When you say it with Titty Bitch, it is kind of a name.

Now it works! Thomas Middleditch,. When you say it with Titty Bitch, it is kind of a name. Now it works. Thomas Middle Ditch? Oh, you mean Bing Bong Titty Bitch? Also, Bing Bong just sounds so like Thomas. You just keep saying that name. That's the best part. Yeah, dude. Bing Bong Titty Bitch.

Oh, God, that's so funny. Oh, man. Bing Bong Titty Bitch is killer in that new series. Excuse me. It's Silicon Valley. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Well, thanks for that, bud.

Bing Bong. Yeah. Hoo, boy. I'm spiced up. Oh, man. Well, thanks for that, bud. Hoo, boy. I'm spiced up. Hey, Ian. Welcome to the red carpet. Who are you wearing tonight? Oh, thank you very much.

I'm actually wearing Bing Bong Kitty Bitch. And the shoes are Fart Barf Knuckle. I'm sorry. It's Fart Fart Knuckle. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got it all up.

It's Fart Barf Knuckle. My fault. The socks are Barff, knuckle. My fault. The socks are barf, fart, knuckle. Barf, fart, knuckle is the guy who sings with Paul Simon. Barf, fart, knuckle is my dad. Barf, barf, knuckle are my shoes. Oh, man. Oh, okay.

I hope everybody had a real good laugh. I hope so, too. Every listener, I hope they did. Because now we're going to talk about something serious. Yeah, feel silly. Ian, what's your pick? For my first pick, I'm actually going to go with a guest. Oh! I was thinking about that, too. You fucking pricks. I'm going to talk about something serious. Yeah, feel silly. Ian, what's your pick? For my first pick, I'm actually going to go with a guest. Oh!

I was thinking about that, too. You fucking pricks. I'm going to go with a guest. I'm going to go with who I believe to be and who is also regarded by many thought leaders as the greatest late night television guest of all time. Okay. Possible. And he's alive today.

He's still kicking. Martin Short. Oh, really? Martin Short. He was going to be one of my hosts. Marty Short. Was he really? No, he's not.

God damn it. He was one of the Freddie Mercury wranglers. I wouldn't. Yeah. I'll talk about what I want to host later, but I think there are certain areas where I want Martin Short more, because as a guest, you can be a little wilder. You can go off and do bits. I can't believe you.

I did not think that was going to happen. Martin Short, you thought you were going to pick him up in the fifth round? No, I thought I was going to get him next, actually. You're a fucking genius, dude. You can tell that we're on the same wavelength. And sometimes it bites you right in the butt, David. Right in the giant balls. Martin Short eating a fucking...

What did I take from you last night? Devil egg. Oh, can we wreck it? Oh, wait, no, it already came out. Last week, devil egg. You took fucking devil egg. Martin Oh, wait, no, it already came out last week. Devil Egg. You took fucking Devil Egg. Martin Short eating a Devil Egg for a caution of the wind.

Yeah, Martin Short, he's just amazing. He can do like fun little impressions. Characters. Characters. He will yes and anyone else's bit.

If he's on the show, you can throw him in a sketch too. He does my favorite kind of yes and though where it's not, he doesn't treat it like a bit, he treats it like a conversation. Yes. Which are the fun kind of yes and though where it's not, he doesn't treat it like a bit. He treats it like a conversation.

Yes. Which are the funnest yes ands because then you feel, you're like, look at him. Look at him trying. It's tight. He's amazing

and he's also apparently one of the sweetest guys in like all of show business. Oh yeah. That feels right. All of this business that we call show. That feels right.

Doesn't it feel right? Jiminy Glick, so far before its time, I swear to God. So far before its time. If that just came out Jiminy Glick is so far before its time. If that just came out, I don't know, a year ago. People would be wildin'. We were wildin', I'm assuming.

Yeah, I fucking love Jiminy Glick. What was he always eating? Like, mints or something? Donuts? He always had donuts for days. Always had donuts. No, don't let me. Don't let me.

Don't let me. Don't let me. You're going to start acting in the theater oh god that's a good impression that's a good Germany glick thank you

you should do that for us to know thank you oh alright so my one impression cause I know it's so good you'll hire me

he just always act he was so good at acting like he had never heard of any like Robert De Niro and shit yeah Robert De Niro

am I reading that right Am I reading that right? Am I reading that right? I'm an Italian-American actor. You're the good fellas you're in. Good fellas, they're right. He also destroyed me in Arrested Development. Oh, God. Yeah, he was so funny.

He's golden. He might be our most talented comedic actor, and by ours, I mean Canada's. Well, this generation is. We like to represent. Is he rocking square underwear? Wait, what? Is that not what we say about Canadians?

I've never heard that. Square underwear? No. I'll start saying it. I was just asking questions. Is that a term that you've ever heard? Never heard of it. We never say it when you guys are around. Marissa shot David's mic off now.

Yeah, I'm out. You moose riding better education system havers. God, I'd love to see a moose. He's from Hamilton, Canada. But wait, also, can you ride a moose? Dude, you can ride anything. The right kind of person can ride a moose. With confidence?

They're so big. Can you ride? You can't tame them, can you? Can you tame a moose? Dude, you can ride anything. The right kind of person can ride a moose. They're so big. They can't tame them, can you? Can you tame a moose? None of us can. Oh, if you give a mouse a cookie, I don't know. You think you can tame a moose? Yes. I've seen you do it. I guess those meatballs. You've seen my work on the farm. Those meatballs were good. Yeah, I forgot about the farm.

If you haven't heard of it, it doesn't exist. Yeah, she's actually a moose. She doesn't think any of us can, but she's fairly confident. One can. It can be done. All right. Yeah, that's a great pick. That's like a practical pick.

Well, yeah, they're going to like, come on. Such a good pick. I'm just happy that it got picked. He got picked. It says here his middle name is Hater. H-A-Y-T-E-R. So it does have a T in it. It's crazy. He got picked. It says here his middle name is Hater. H-A-Y-T-E-R. So it does have a T in it. It's crazy.

Hater. Funny, I always thought that was Mielle's middle name. Hell! It's true. I can't be mad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, he's just like, you could have like a sack of onions host the show and he's still

going to like. He'd make it work. Which brings me to my next pick so yeah Marty Short that's fantastic dude my first pick I'm thrilled about it

guest Neil Bredo I am realizing now going last realize realize this is actually a gift realize

because you as a serpentine draft you get to go again well that's not the gift part the gift part for me right now is that she can just leave I'm just going to go.

I'm realizing I played this very differently than all of you. And it's too late to change it. I only wrote down one option for each. Oh, really? That was a bold move. So I kind of was thinking less practical and more just kind of like, fuck it. It is living or dead. I'll get a little more fuck it.

Shoot for the moon. Trust me, I'll get fuck it. This is going to be pretty wild in comparison. I thought we were all going to play this way genuinely. I like it. Take it off. I wasn't trying to be crazy here. Tight, tight.

Get there. Take the heat off me. I'm going to go for guest first, who I assumed would be the first pick, but I'm shocked. Barton Short got chosen first. I'm going to go for the guest of Jesus Christ. Oh, see. See? I thought about this.

I didn't think about it, too. I thought about it for all my time. Yes, same. Because I was like, obviously host. I was like, you know what? I don't think he's charismatic enough. No. He'd be a great guest.

Not even as a guest. Maybe. The interview would be insane. He would be talking about God the whole time I don't think he's charismatic enough. No. He'd be a great guest. Not even as a guest. I don't know. Maybe. The interview would be insane. He would be talking about God the whole time. No, and he could do magic. It could be a side bit. We are treading in some strange waters. I don't mind.

Ian came out hard anti-Jesus. Round one. Yeah. Yeah. If you're offended by saying Jesus would be a bad late night ho-, hoge, hoge, I don't know if it's true. I don't know who you're talking about, not my Jesus. He'd be a fascinating guest because you could ask him if all this stuff was true. And then if you got kind of a dud, you go over and he turns everyone's water into wine and everyone's psyched. Party tricks.

Well, it's either all true or none of it's true. In the studio audience, you think they're all sitting there with canteens? Yeah, they get a commemorative bottle of water. And I don't know, my studio audience You think they're all Sitting there with canteens Yeah they get a Commemorative bottle of water And I don't know My show Is nice to their audience People want to be there We're not handing out

Flyers at the pier Listen people are Lining up to be on TV Yeah Whether or not You're nice to them No My show is going to be

Audience that knows Every guest And has seen Every episode They're going to be Like Ellen's audience But for night time Okay I like it Very into it You're going to be like Ellen's audience, but for nighttime. I like it. Very into it.

You're going to be nighttime Ellen. I don't know who my host is yet, but we'll figure it out. I don't know who your next two guests are, but are they all going to be on the couch together? Are they coming out? Can Jesus stay? Yes, Jesus will be out there too. I want to see right now. This is hard because you're in the NBA

and we all play pickup basketball. That's right. That's what I'm saying. I didn't pick the topic. I didn't pick the topic. Did you pick it? What did you think? Yeah.

I didn't think about crowd logistics. If you're feeding the crowd water, a bunch of them are going to have to go pee. Then you're going to have to have audience failures or just never shoot the audience. Speaking of which. Yeah. A lot of them are going to have to go pee. Okay, yeah, they're going to go pee. Sean, what do you say we take a quick break, huh?

Yeah, I mean, are we going to come right back? Oh, we're going to come right back. Right back. We'll be right back with more All Fantasy Everything. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35,

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You can't just feed the audience water the whole time or wine. I mean, I'm a little into wine. I just think... I've dealt with a lot of drunk audiences. It is not the business. Can you imagine that in a late night setting if you were getting the audience all tore up? Well, they used to, at Kimmel, they used to, well, that was the green room and not the audience.

They used to get them drunk. They referenced that on Autourage. Kimmel's green room. It was fucking drama. It was just in the first season. It was like crazy, I guess. The Green Room, it was like an up and running bar. People were getting hammered in it. They don't have alcohol in late night settings, do they? Colbert's having drinks on his Thursday or Friday shows.

Really? Yeah. Well, I can hear a guess. Our Green Room has a full bar. Does it? Yeah. I don't think they have them at Conan, though. It's the only one I've ever seen and they don't they you know well conan's backstage feels like you're backstage like at a

like a theater yeah yeah it feels like a theater it's very functional it doesn't feel like a uh like a come hang out here green room exactly i've never been anywhere other than that do you ever put anything in your green room backstage there's tons of stuff in ours i mean like i mean like when you get your own and they ask you do you want anything. No, I don't really request anything. It depends if we're at the Rev Hall or something, I'll tell you that. Rev Hall I have

a bottle of Jameson. A bottle of tequila. Super dope. Cold cuts. Yeah, you did get cold cuts. Cold cuts, crudités. Vegetable tray. Shitload of LaCrisse. Voodoo donuts came through with the donuts. Oh yeah, they did. Oh, that donut where you look like Drake.

It tastes so much better. Huh? There's that donut where you look like Drake. I did. I look like Cat Drake. Which is, if somebody had come up to me on the street and said, one day you're going to eat a donut that looks like Drake and Ian Carmel. You're like, yeah.

Yeah, of course. Dude, it does. Hella. You think I haven't been positioning my life to be in line just for that? This is the way that it was going. So Jesus Christ, cheese and rice. I feel like the other two, if he stays, the other two guests, I don't know who they're going to be.

They show up. Yeah. And the whole time, it's like, oh, let me tell you this fun story. And then they look over and they see Jesus looking back at them. No, no, no. And they're like, never mind, actually. I love my mom. Here's the thing.

Jesus is super nice. He's so humble. If you try to pay too much attention to him, he wouldn't let you. He also liked to hang out with dirtbags. See? Yeah, that's true. Well, what if he comes out and he's like, yeah, no, that's true. I was just a dude.

See? But then he's just charming. It's tricky. Okay. Yeah. It's interesting. I think he sounds like a nice guy. Christ Jesus.

Yeah. Christ, comment Jesus on the SATs. Yeah. And he stays on the couch. In my narrative, it's a big couch. Oh, yeah. My guests are staying on the couch. He probably would stay.

You're going to have guests come out and bump Jesus down the couch? Oh, they're going to bump Jesus? You'll be the last guest. Okay. Jesus is the last guest. So he's coming. You tell him Jesus is publicist. Hey. Hey, he's the last guest. Okay. Jesus is the last guest. So he's coming. You tell him Jesus is publicist. Hey.

Hey, he's the third guest. By the way. These are some of those logistics I did not think about. Who are the first two? God and the devil? Well, the third's supposed to be the best, right? No. You've seen late night before.

I've seen last was the best. I always thought the person before the comic was the best. Like if they have a comic or whatever. I thought like the person before them was the. Save the best. I always thought the person before the comic was the best. If they have a comic or whatever, I thought the person before them was the best. Save the best for last. That's how my brain works. The first person has the longest couch time and they have it the longest. The first guest is the big guest. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all right. Okay, fine. Jesus is my first guest. Okay. And then he moves down the couch. Yeah. And now are we going guest next? Are we doing Van Lizzel?

I think I'm going to go Van later. Okay. Because I'm picking a big one and I don't want anyone else to pick it. But again, if we're talking logistics, you were worried about managing Freddie Mercury. Boy, this is a bad pick. Boy. If that's how our play is. Darn it, Crash.

I'm going for a little guy, the artist known as Prince. Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Because you crush it. He can play everything. You call him little guy? Little guy. Oh, yeah. Because you crush it. You can play everything. You call him little guy? Little guy.

I feel like if one guy earned to not be called fucking little man, it was Prince. All right, let's say. Ian was shaking his head so hard. I can't wait to find out who the host is. I'm still figuring out who it is. Have you seen Prince cede the stage to anyone ever? No. Your host is going to be up there trying to tell monologue jokes, and Prince is going

to come strolling in playing guitar. Yeah. Like a face monitor. Right in front of the camera. He's going to cut off Jesus, or he'll get weird around him because he was like a- You know what? Isn't that story of him burying Michael Jackson? No, Michael Jackson buried Prince.

No, no, no. Michael Jackson was dead already. Well, no No Prince died Wait I don't mean when they No I don't mean literally Like buried on stage I don't mean

Yeah I was like He died like 12 years apart Michael just shoveling dirt Onto the ground Sorry We gotta bury We need to bury him

What was that story about though Oh no He's dead We need to bury Prince No he died Michael Jackson's not here bury Prince. No, he died. Michael Jackson's not here by the way. No. That's Ian and me. I cut off David. So David, please, what were you saying?

Well now I realize that I don't remember the story right. It was either Prince came to a Michael Jackson show and Michael Jackson was like, have him come up and follow me and then Michael Jackson did. And then Prince was like, no way. Or it follow me. And then Michael Jackson did. And then Prince was like, no way. Or it was vice versa.

And I can't remember. Those two shouldn't be able to be. Story being true either way. That's what I'm saying. I think that's why I can't remember it. It's like having Michael Jackson be your band leader. It is. Prince would walk.

It's also a good idea. Except also he could play all the instruments. That's what I'm saying. He could play everything. And he could be on bits. He could do riffs. He could improvise. Do you think he would do bits, though?

I don't think Prince is very funny he's so sexy i mean i think he's charismatic though which sometimes like vibes like funny i mean game blouses if he really said that that is funny i mean there's a i can think of a laundry list of things if prince said yeah they would actually be from him it's funny. Wassup! That's the first thing you thought of! Ladies and gentlemen, in this sketch, we're gonna be parodying a commercial from the 1990s. It's a funny thing, commercials. They're there to sell you products, but they end up telling you more about yourself.

A one, two, three, wassup! That's so funny! I love that! See, that's your first. He's not gonna do that! That's the first three. That's so funny. I love that. He's not going to do that. If I'm showrunner, he'll do it. We can't get Reggie Watts to do bits. We think we're going to get Prince to do it? Yeah.

Now we're getting some inside scoop. You got to come back a little harder and be like, fuck yeah, Prince will do it. Reggie's so buff now. We don't know. He's going to do it. Oh, Reggie's so buff now. He looks amazing. We don't know. He's gonna do it. I don't know who this... Trust me, Jesus Christ is the guest.

He's gonna do it. Who is the host? Is the host just like... Who is the producer? That's a great question. I'd love to find out the EP. Is the host of your show just gonna be like consciousness? Just like, just kind of an all being entity?

I hope she just takes Leno. Because it's an old pro to manage this three-ring circus. I'm not going for logistics here. I'm going for all-star one game. I love it. I love it. I'm going for the event of the century. It's one night.

Sure. It's fucking booked for two years. Just find me. Jesus. Prince. I'm sure people are going to agree, especially when they see the headline, Prince is the band leader. Great.

I just love for you to... Just a thing for you to do later is go home and find any video where Prince is like, sure, I'll play second fiddle. You know what? I have. Yeah, let me back up.

Him and his drummer, she's this... I don't know her name. Sheila E? Maybe that's who it is. His prodigy? Maybe that's who it is. It's a video I saw on YouTube.

I've watched it a thousand times. It has like 70 views. I don't know where it came from. But she's playing drums in a drum cage where there's drums 360 around her. And he's playing guitar, shredding the shit out of it. And then not losing the beat, they trade. And they just finish the song. He gets in the drums?

Gets in the drums and she takes the guitar. What's the song they're playing? I want to say it's Kiss, but it could be something else. It might be Glamorous Life. It's one of his hits, for sure. Oh, it's one of his hits. Yeah. It's not, okay.

No, it's his tune. I don't know. Maybe he's generous. I'm sure he was generous in bed, so I think he has the capacity to be generous. Okay. I'm going to be honest. I think he was sexy enough. He might not have been generous in bed.

Come on. He might have been a taker. Oh no. Because he would be willing to leave. He would be willing to give it. I hear your logic. I'm saying me. I don't know anybody else.

Your logic checks out. I just won't believe it. That's fair. In my heart, I can't believe that. All right. Follow that. Let's see where we go from here. I'll happily follow that.

I'm going to take a dead guy now too, all right? No, please. I'm going to take a couple dead guys. Please make me feel less crazy, please. RIP, Jesus Christ. I'm going to take my band leader now. Okay. I'm going to take one of the most charismatic band leaders of all time.

Okay. I'm going to take the Italian stallion himself, Louis Prima. Oh, good choice, good choice, good choice, good choice, good choice. Because this is not a man who needs, he doesn't need, he's happy just with the in bump outs to commercial uh-huh we just show him over there singing a little song you know hey everybody welcome to this show hey everybody welcome to this show i don't need as much attention as prince it's time to go you know and then and then the camera pans it's a it's not a whip pan.

It's a pan over the host walking out. We'll find out later. He just needs a little bit. Yeah. Because when I want a late night band, and one thing I'm glad the Roots do it, but I wish, like, horns. Yeah, horns. Like, early Conan.

Sure. Letterman. Big bands. Well, that's what you think of. Big bands. That's what you think of when it's just, loud as fucking rambunctious ass horns. We don't have horns in the Late Late Show band and it bums me out. Not one horn.

No. Bums me out. They're great. They're an amazing band. But like, yeah, I want Louis Prima and his band full horn section and just him out there. And he could be good in bits too because he's a funny, silly guy. Big fat dude. His name's Louis Prima. His name's Louis Prima. I heard he was a funny, silly guy. Yeah. Big fat dude. His name's Louis Prima.

His name's Louis Prima. I heard he was a fat dick. Big fat dick? Big fat dick. He got mad because of his wife. What was her name? She sang all the songs. The lady going, the gigolo.

Pasta Prima. No, I know her name, man. She's so cool. Anyway, they were married, and then he got mad because she got too popular. Oh, no. And then he tried to ruin her. Really? Yeah.

Like, emotionally? No, I think he tried to ruin her career. Oh. His wife? Yeah. I mean, they got divorced, obviously, because she was so good. And he was like, I'm the star. I'm like, it didn't pan out.

Well, we'll keep him on. But you know, as long as he's not around women. No, we're going to get him hooked on opiates. I got it all planned out. We're going to get him hooked on opiates. I got it all planned out. We're going to get him hooked on opiates, I'll tell you. Yeah, don't worry about it. Maybe it's early enough in his career, because we didn't say when you're choosing out. He's huffing ether out of a rag as soon as the show's over.

God, that's so- He's doing old 1950s rock. It wasn't called huffing ether out of a rag back then. It was called getting done with the show. He was catching a show. He said, I got to go catch my breath. I got to go take a breather. I don't want to see him until 11 a.m. the next day.

He used to call him breather. He'd load me up a breather. I got to take one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. go catch my breath. I gotta go take a breather. I can't wait to see him until 11 a.m. the next day. He used to call him breather. He'd load me up a breather. I gotta take one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before it was scary. It was still a fun thing. Yeah. It's still a fun thing, I'll tell you.

I'm not so scared of drugs. Yeah. Well, I'm not anymore. Yeah, I've come through the other. You puffed ether out of a rag? No, but I would maybe. No, because I wouldn't do poppers. No, I wouldn't.

You haven't lived. I did poppers like a week ago. Oh, you were there. I was. They were going around the crowd. It wasn't like I brought them to you. Is that those things where you pull the little string and it goes pow, it's a tiny little confetti candy? Imagine that, but it does that for your butthole.

And yes, that is what poppers are. You put it in your ass? No, you just sniff it and it loosens your butt. Oh, are those the things you do out of what looks like paintball cartridges? Maybe. Oh, you're thinking of a bullet. You're thinking of a cocaine bullet. No, those little canisters.

Yeah, it's like air. I don't know what it is. Oh boy, the Fourth of July party had a pinata full of them. We're talking about whippets, aren't we? What? Whippets. Is it whippets? Yeah.

Oh, you're thinking of whippets. Also a good time. Oh, I thought that was a little dog. Take a whippet into mission, let the birds fly. That's not about dogs. No, don't do whippets. Is it whippets? Yeah. Oh, you're thinking of whippets. Also a good time. Oh, I thought that was a little dog. Take a whippet into mission. Let the birds fly. That's not about dogs. No, don't do whippets. I mean, yeah.

But except do whippets if it's like Thanksgiving, you got some whipped cream, grandma wants a piece of pie. Oh, those are the easy ones. And then for a second, you just like. Whip. A whippet is where you huff a whole CO2 cartridge, like out of a balloon, essentially. Yeah, nitrous oxide. And they're gnarly.

No thanks. It makes the whole world dubstep for 20 seconds. It does. It just floors you just for a gentleman's 20. It's a long time. That's not worth it. And then you lose years of your life. That's not worth it.

Oh, thanks. So Louis Primo. It ages you. You see me right now? I'm 14 years old. Like Pitbull. David and I had to call out a middle school tomorrow to come do this. I'll buy that.

I'll buy you two as middle schoolers. Hey kids, you got any reefer? We're not cops. I'm going to ask the teachers for whippets. We'd be the worst 21 Jump Street situation. You'd be the only guys in your 30s asking teens for drugs who aren't actually cops. I feel like You'd be the only guys in your 30s asking teens for drugs who aren't actually cops.

Right? No, I feel like you'd be good. I feel like you'd be good middle schoolers. I don't. The middle-aged youth don't. Natural helper right here. I know.

Natural helper right there. Sean, you'd be a great, because in middle school, people haven't become so sarcastic, at least in my experience. They're still a little earnest still. So you'd fit right in.

So you're saying that I'm still pretty earnest? Yeah, you're like so nice. You would get eaten alive in like eighth grade, but seventh grade I think you'd be okay. I was eaten alive through the whole thing. I was eaten alive through the whole thing. With a bunch of savages.

That's what made me nice, is I was meaned to in high school. Not like bullied, but I was meaned to. Meaned to, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it continues, you fucking dork. Put your phone down next pick nerd

eat your phone no dude it's pick time playboy call pizza up and eat your phone alright Shani it's time for your pick

alright now I'm gonna start picking guests and here's where I here's where I join I'm gonna get weird get weird jump in the pool baby so with my guests

there are people that I want fuck I wish you wouldn't have picked Martin Shortman that really screwed me I can't believe your goat bull is have picked Martin Short, man. That really screwed me. I can't believe you're a goat bull that's going to pick Martin Short. You want your whole thing riding on one pig?

No, but the host is the trickiest. That's why I'm not doing it yet because I'm just not ready. So my first guest is just going to be fascinating. I've always been fascinated with this gentleman, but it's going to be Doc Holliday is going to be my first guest. Oh, wow. I'm your huckleberry. I'm going for what I think would be obviously the most interesting interview,

but also I want to see how a Doc Holliday handles himself, say, with a Freddie Mercury right over there. Because Doc Holliday, I feel, has the attitude of a Freddie Mercury, but he doesn't have the flamboyance or just the give a fuck of a Freddie Mercury, but he still thinks he's the fucking man. He wasn't a flamboyant? I thought he was a flamboyant or just the give a fuck of a Freddie Mercury but he still thinks he's the fucking man. He wasn't a flamboyant? I thought he was a flamboyant guy. He was sort of.

He was like a gentleman like a flamboyant-ish but was anybody in the Wild West like really out there? Like he still wore all the fucking cotton you could wear.

I mean he was still real calm and put together just like really dressed up all the time. He was a gambler, a gunfighter, and a dentist. Yeah.

He was and then he went out gunfighter, and a dentist. Yeah. And then he went out west because he was also a lunger, as it were. Yeah, he's sick. He's always fascinating to me. Tombstone, I know we've talked about it so many times, but they got it right with him. He was an amazing gunfighter, and he was just so confident, calm, sure of himself, educated, which is fun.

So I think he'd be terribly interesting to interview. And he was like just a crux of the Wild West who had a lot to do with all of it. I just think it'd be a great interview. I don't know who this is, but I'm imagining Doc Brown in the third Back to the Future. That's what I'm picturing. A little more refined than that. A little sexier.

Throughout his lifetime, Holiday was known by many of his peers as a tempered, calm, southern gentleman. Uh-huh. In an 1896 article, Wyatt Earp said, I found him a loyal friend and good company. He was a dentist whom necessity had made a gambler, a gentleman whom disease had made a vagabond, a philosopher whom life had made a caustic wit, a long, lean, blonde fellow, nearly dead

with consumption, and at the same time, the most skillful gambler and nervious, speediest, deadliest man with a six-gun I ever knew. How did they make- I'm going to be honest. That sounds like a deadbeat dad wrote his own picture. How did they make a piece of shit? He sounds like such a piece of shit, and they make him sound like a fucking god. That sounds like poetry. Situation made him a they make him sound like a fucking god it sounds like poetry

situation made him a gambler? that's not true anyone could say that nearly dead of consumption? what did they say? oh it's so funny wait hold up

a long lean blonde fellow nearly dead with consumption come on he wrote that. He wrote it about himself. He was dead when it was written. Nah. Long and lean, yeah, consumption got him.

He'd been arrested 17 times before his 1881 shootout in Tombstone. Which is at the okay grade. Only one was for murder though. What were the other 16? You know, you gotta do what you gotta do. Don't ask, don't tell. They got him on expired tax. He just seems like a wildly interesting interviewer to do. Don't ask, don't tell. They got him on expired tags.

He just seems like a wildly interesting interviewer to me. Yeah. Wild West guy? Yeah. Yeah. That'd be cool. My favorite Wild West guy. He's probably super racist.

Just knowing that he's a Southern gentleman, as he's been described. Uh-huh. At the time when that was maybe not the coolest. From the 1860s, 70s. Yeah. I wonder how he'd do with your gay band leader. Freddie Mercury would handle it. I'll tell you that.

That's a little icy combo. And I see. If Widener passed a check in his guns, it's all good. This feels like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Oh, yeah. No guns on set. Yeah. It's getting there.

It's getting wild. I didn't even think about that. Two men who succumb to profound disease. Go far. in there. It's getting wild. I didn't even think about that. Too many succumb to profound disease. Nearly a lean blonde man, nearly dead with consumption. Nearly dead with consumption. Can you imagine if the doctor just came in like, wow, I tell you, you're nearly dead with consumption.

Nearly dead. See, Doc Holliday was kind of like, well, I gotta get to the whoever show, whatever my host is gonna be. Two guests, one for each of y'all. I've got a fun way to say it. See, Doc Holliday was kind of like, well, I got to get to the whoever show, whatever my host is going to be. I've got two guests, one for each of y'all. I've got two guests here, one for each of you. What do you think his rider was like?

God, whiskey. Yeah, just- TB medicine. Bullets. A rag to cough into. He wanted the room knee deep in whiskey so he could dip his cup on the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A rag to cough into.

He wanted it to already be bloody so he didn't feel bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A rag to cough it to. He wanted it to already be bloody so he didn't feel bad. Yeah, yeah, don't want to mess it up. Some loaded dice. An ace he could hide up his sleeve. Maybe a lady of the night or two. Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday.

What's your first question for Doc Holliday? That's extra credit. That's fucking interesting. Hold on. Did you enjoy the life that you were thrust into you know like because like so you know he had tuberculosis so i feel like the impending death of that kind of thrust him into everything else so i guess i'd probably ask him would would he choose to be an outlaw or would he choose to the normal life as a dentist uh you know like

would he choose the excitement or would he choose the stability had he not been touched by tb had he not been and then i'd call him filthy filthy lunger is what i'd call him because that's like a non-offensive term that sounds offensive to me a lunger it does sound well i mean it but it's like just means you got tb right i said filthy so many times filthy Filthy. Yeah. Wretched. Whore of a lunger. If I call you a filthy Irishman, Irishman is in and of itself offensive. Filthy feels mean, though. It hurts to hear.

Oh, filthy is mean. You don't, yeah, you call somebody filthy. Should hear him at home, I'll tell you. Filthy Irishman this, filthy Irishman that. I don't trust the Irishman, I never will. You're like my mom, then. I'll go on record. Me and Kelly Jordan, we've had a couple experiences.

Doc Holliday. David, it's time for your second and third picks, as it is. Oh, this is so hard. A serpentine draft. Okay. For the band leader. Okay. Because you've got to think my host is mad extra.

So I need somebody light, but they can still play off the host. Yes. Yeah. I burped. Whatever. We're in the lab making beats. You're 14.

You can burp. I'm going Daft Punk for my band leader. Okay. I think with Cardi B it would be so much fun because they'd be in concert and she'd say stuff to them all the time and then they'd just shake their head yes or no. Yeah, they're never talking. Such a fun play.

The music before the show would be cracking. Cracking. And different than any other show. Yeah. And different than any other show. Yeah, and different than any other thing. It's not an old-timey feel. No, it's crazy. But it's very much like our whole audience, they'll make you want to party.

This is like the talk show of the future. Yeah. So far, this sounds like a good talk show. You're thinking 2030. Oh, yeah, because I'm already, just the three people I've named, what are the outfits? It's already crazy.

Yeah, that's crazy. It's already visually a lot. And also, if Daft Punk couldn't make it one night, no one's going to know. True. They can still not. Availability easy. We're going to put two PAs in there. This is why you went to Emerson, Jake and Steve.

Get the fuck out there. This is show business. One of them always did go to Emerson. Yeah, of course. And then all the rest of them went to USC. Yes. That's every group of PAs. I feel like most people don't get how accurate that fucking is.

It's so accurate. That's some inside baseball shit, but Emerson, maybe one guy went to Michigan, and then a lot of USC students. USD right here. Yeah. I always, I talk about this. All right. Well, anyways. Yeah, no,, I talk about this. All right. Well,

anyways. Yeah, no, that's, that's a show that I wanted. That's a show. If it aired tomorrow, I'd make it a point to watch.

Daft Punk is good. Daft Punk I think is a good pick. Extremely reasonable. That's like, you're doing a real ass show. Yeah. And then, okay,

so I'm going to go with my first guest. It's so hard. To say goodbye to yesterday. Okay, so my first guest, I think this is a utility player. I think that she will be charming on the couch. I think, like you said, we could put her in a sketch. I think she could will be charming on the couch. I think, like you said, we could put her in a sketch. Glue. I think she could really do anything. I think that the other guests are going to want to interact with her.

I'm saying first guest. Is this my pilot or have we been doing this for a while? We can say we've been doing it for a while. Whatever. My first guest then tonight, we've built up a following. Is this first guest coming out or just first when you're picking? You also don't have to know right now. I don't know right now.

Okay, cool. I wasn't sure, but my first pick that I'm picking, I just, I think she's so great. Every time I've seen her in Variety, Dolly Parton. It's just, she's so charming. It would be so fun. You're winning, dude. And I just think about like, could you imagine Dolly Parton coming out, dancing the Daft Punk with Cardi B?

Oh, my God. That interview would be insane. It would be insane. Amy Miller just exploded somewhere. Yeah, she did. Dolly Parton is a great pick, man. Yeah, I was just thinking everything you ever see her on. She's just so fucking charming.

She's such a great interview. She's fun. Her energy is amazing. Yeah, she's got great stories. She's so accomplished that everybody's going to be in awe of her. And you can put her in sketches. She would be so good. I would just love it.

Yeah, this is a show. I'm thinking of mine like I'd watch mine in a crazy alternate universe, but I'd watch yours tomorrow. Yeah. No, David is woof. David's already won. That's fucking crazy, dude. Don't know how I'm going to close it out because the rest of my list is ridiculous.

Dolly Parton's rad. I wish I knew some stories about her to relay. She's business savvy as shit, too. She's just like hard loving. Incredible songwriter. Great guitarist. Great singer.

Gave Whitney Houston the lob on I Will Always Love You. So you know she's a class act. She was like, you're just going to sing this better than I do. Gave Maya the lob on Ghetto Superstar. Dolly Parton was sleeping on that. Islands in the stream. You know the one that's... Islands in the stream.

That is what we want. Well, I mean, honestly, though, she gave ODB the lob. Yeah, that's true. And then Maya just happened to be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lob's hard for being a senator. And then they snuck Praws in, unbeknownst to anybody involved. Yeah, same way P Praz has recorded anything

God's very own lottery winner Fun fact Wyclef Jean didn't even know Praz was in the Fuge He didn't know until he saw the cover Of the score and he's like who's that guy Who's ugly me Or he's ugly him Who's ugly me

Praz is somehow making money off AFE You know what I mean He found some way to siphon it Who's ugly me. Prada's somehow making money off AFV. You know what I mean? He found some way to siphon it. It was ugly me. That is tight, dude. Yeah, Dolly Parton is my pick. Oh, that's a solid lineup. Fuck.

Yeah, really, dude. Now I feel like such a chump. So, Eon? Eon? Man. So, again, it's getting... These are interviews that I want to see. Okay. That are people I want to hear about. man so again it's getting these are interviews that I want to see

that are people I want to hear about um boy I just yeah there's not there's not a lot of rhyme or reason on here but I'm gonna pick fuck man stalling fuck man I know

you guys his first guest DMX Well He has a lot of kids Yeah If you don't pick in two seconds We pick for you

I'm gonna pick For the second guest Is going to be Oh nice Vlad the Impaler What What the fuck Sean There are interviews

That I want to hear That's what you were Narrowing down The whole time you were looking at that list? I want to hear an interview. God damn it, Sean. Ian just goes, what? How did he make this list at all? Nobody else has Ted Bundy.

He's not going to killy! He's not gonna kill anyone. He's interesting. But it's one of the only things that's different. That's his thing. He kills people. That's why he's even on your show. His handler. His last name is Impaler.

I'm interested about the real life Dracula. And God knows how much shit you're gonna give me whenever I come up with a host, but I'm interested to see the questions they would ask. There is no way your host pick is worse than Vlad the Impaler. It could be a cardboard box. His energy! Also, like, maybe if

he would answer it... Nobody wants to do panel with a murderer! No, and he's not going to be charismatic in his responses. He kills people. He may have Doc Holliday, Mike. That's fair. He might be comfortable. He's... Now I'm glad everyone's stepping back a little bit. He's an interesting...

It's an interesting historical story. If you can get it out of him. You can. This is a talk show. He's gonna be zoning out, scanning who to kill in the audience the entire time he's on stage. We're living in a world... Babe, babe, this is a talk show. We're living in a world where he's not gonna come in storming the gates, killing...

He's like, I picture him as like, yes, he's Vlad the Impaler, but he comes in in a world where he's not going to come in storming the gates, killing him. I picture him as like, yes, he's Vlad the Impaler, but he comes in in a car, he's driven in an Uber, just like anybody else that goes to a fucking show. Is he just promoting his new Netflix? Is he like Hannibal Lecter on a gurney? How is his work in? No, he's loose. He's loose? He's loose in a studio audience.

Doc Holliday's there to calm him down. It's an interesting story. Do you think you're going to be friends? Two alpha males? You don't need to it is there to calm him down. It's an interesting story. Do you think you're going to be friends? I doubt it. Two alpha males? You don't need to make friends with everybody. Okay, are they on the couch at the same time? The dude just impaled people. Are they coming out separately or are they together on the couch? And this is imperative information.

Everyone's going to end up being together on the couch. You have Vlad the Impaler. Oh, my God. The logistics here. He's not going to sit there and kill people. Even if he didn't, he would just be brooding in a way that made everyone uncomfortable. It's interesting. Yes, it's interesting.

It's also so uncomfortable, right? You were picking this, but would you feel comfortable watching it? Or would you be on edge the whole time? You're barking at the mailman. You're never going to catch him. You're barking at the mailman. You're never going to catch him. You just got to let my man live.

Barking at the mailman. I learned that. That is a rogue. You're going rogue. I don't even. I mean, yeah, it was, you know. I thought I was picking crazy choices, but I feel way more safe. I for sure thought Jesus was going to be the craziest pick. We had a lot of dead time at work today, and I

really went down some holes. It's just an interesting... Some holes. Nice pun there, buddy. I really impaled the internet today. As I was looking for guests on the couch. Vlad the Impaler. Are you reading up on Vlad the Impaler? I sure am. Trying to find anything good about him?

Upper limits on the Impaler's combined atrocities put the death toll at around 100,000. 100,000. Oh, my God. The Ottoman-Turkish Empire was at war with Wallachia, which is where Vlad the Impaler was the king or sultan or whatever, or king of. In 1462, Sultan Mehmed II fled with his army at the sight of 20,000 impaled corpses rotting on the outskirts of Vlad's capital city, Targoviste. You know how bad that would smell?

You know how bad he made his hometown smell to prove a point? And how many trees he had to cut down for all those stakes to impale people on? He had 20,000 trees. Now we have no more resources. These are all questions that he'll just answer. Will he? He will. In this world, he's going to answer these questions. And I didn't really think about how morbid it was.

I didn't want that to come. You didn't think about how morbid he's called Vlad the Impaler? It's got to be like the second biggest mass. No, it's like what? That's actually the fourth biggest mass murderer of all time? Think about it more in the lines of like a fictional situation that would be. Yes, I did gloss over that. I have a question trying to understand your logic

here. Is it the ghost of Vlad the Vlad the Impaler? Like so current day Vlad the Impaler who's had time to reflect on this? Or is it him swiped out of his life at 35? No, he's murdered a ton of people by 35. That can't be. Yeah, this is I guess

like an older version if I'm really diving in. Okay. This is wild, man. Okay. Alright, so I wrote I guess, like an older version if I'm really diving in. Okay. This is wild, man. Okay. All right, so I wrote down Vlad the Impaler Dracul. Did he suck blood? No, that's what- He just murdered.

Yeah, well, that's- Brim Stoker just took his name. Yeah, he didn't drink any blood or ever do anything like that, but he's what? If we're being real, I guess, I don't know if a late night talk show is the venue for it, but I guess I would like to see it. I mean, maybe a 60 Minutes or something, but I want to see him on Hard Cop.

I'm just, I put down, I want to bring back a current affair. There's some wild shit in this, on this list, and obviously that's one of them, but I just want, they're just fun.

It's really gonna, really gonna fall apart when I try to post this. I mean, honestly, I'm not mad about it. I respect it. I feel like all three of you are mad about it, but that's okay. You shot your shot. I'm not mad. I mean, honestly, I'm not mad about it. I respect it. I feel like all three of you are mad about it, but that's okay.

You shot your shot. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. There's respect here. I'm in it for the thrill of the game. I'm not mad. I feel like that scene in Django Unchained, I'm like, now you have my attention. I don't know what I am, but I'm not mad. We're entertained.

Yes, yes. I'm in a trance. I'm excited to see your next pic. In a Transylvania, as it trance. I'm excited to see your next pick. In a Transylvania, as it were. I'm not excited to see your next pick. If you pick, I don't know, Ulysses Ford, Grand, or whatever the fuck his name is next, we'll see what happens. After the Dolly Parton and Vlad just won, it's crazy for me to pick what I'm going to pick next, no matter what. You're going real, right?

That's your strategy? Normal and real, yeah. Because you actually were going to late show. It's been a crazy round. It's been a crazy round. It's been a crazy weird round. I don't, okay, so you're the only one that's drafting one we could probably actually make. I'm going to take another guest. I'm going to take, I think probably my first guest.

Okay. First guest to come out. I don't think Martin Short's the first. I think he's the second. Okay. My first guest, because you've got to have an A-list movie star come out. Okay. You want people to click over.

Somebody who you know, somebody who A, you know is going to be amazing, but you don't know in what particular way they're going to be amazing, which is why I'm drafting Robin Williams. Yeah. You can't be serious. Oscar winner. He was my other host.

Ian can't be serious. He was the other host. I know. In a completely different way. That was my other host. Ian can't be serious. He was the other host. You're just a bloody pilot. In a completely different way. That was my only other host that I thought had a shot at bringing this together. You wanted to see Robin Williams sit down with Rob Dracul and Doc Holliday. I was looking at you thinking, well, Robin Williams is who I'm going to pick for my host. You picked my two hosts. So do you not have a host yet now? It's going to pick for my host. You picked my two hosts.

So do you not have a host yet now? It's going to fall apart. I don't have a host now. I'll tell you. Robin Williams was not what made it fall apart. If you thought I was off the rails before, you wait until I see whatever garbage I threw out as a host. Just choose the snake from the garden. I want to show you the list just so you believe me,

but that's so funny, dude. I believe you, yeah. Oh my God, that's funny. Because he's amazing. I mean, he's one of the best actors of our lifetime. Yeah. Just, like, fantastic when he goes for it. Yeah. It's so good on late night shows. Yeah.

Because he'll get up. He's one of the ones where, him and Martin, when Martin shorts out there together, the two of them running bits. Yeah, forget about it. Oh, man. How old is he in your version? It's just like, you just wind him up and let him go. Charm Sandwich, too.

I think we're doing, we're getting like a Good Will Hunting era. Okay. I want him to have some stories to tell. He's still high energy. Kind of old or serious. Old or serious. He can be serious

if he needs to. Yeah, but he's still getting up and doing old or serious in movies but never in life. Of course, of course. He can handle any show too. There could have been

a national tragedy that day, he'd still go on. He'd have been great. And he'd kill it. And he'd do it the right way. You could put him in a sketch. Yeah. And just a great first guest. That's who you want. Yeah. I think that's perfect. If you have been great. And he'd kill it. And he'd do it the right way. You could put him in a sketch. Yeah. And just a great first

guest. That's who you want. Yeah. If you have someone like that, you're like monologue short, first segment short, let's get to the fucking guests, you know? Yeah. B-segment is like maybe four minutes. Uh-huh. So yeah, just Robin Williams. I just think he'd be

so good. Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah. It's perfect. There's nothing to say. You're right. Yeah. You're right. No, I completely agree. I mean, he'd be so good. Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah. It's perfect. There's nothing to say. You're right. Yeah. You're right. No, I completely agree. I mean, I just, I'm flabbergasted. Can't fight that.

It's just so funny. He's no Vlad the Impaler. He's not Vlad the Impaler. I'm just thinking about our mindsets while we were writing these lists, and I'm like, this would be a tight interview. I didn't even think about sketch. I was just thinking on the couch, who would be fun? I want to hear their story.

Yeah. Oh, this is funny. So different. I can't wait to hear these all read at the end of the show. Oh, this is nuts. Holy buckets. Trust me, I keep playing them back in my mind right now, Sean. This is going to be wild.

Miel Barreto. Oh, brother. This is going to be your third and fourth pick. I'm going to pick my other two guests. She's going to pick Glad the Inhaler. You know what I will say? That's what I call my muffler shop. I don't think this is spoiling anybody's picks.

I'm pretty sure no one's picked him, but I did briefly consider picking Genghis Khan. Oh. And then I was like, no, I don't want to talk to a murderer. You would have a worse murderer than Sean. I don't want to talk to a murderer. I'm going to say no. Yeah, let's not get crazy.

I'm going to say no. Keep it under 100 Gs. I'm going to pick no. Yeah, let's not get crazy. I'm going to say no. Keep it under 100 Gs. I'm going to pick both my other guests just so we can round it out. And I am prepared to take a lot of shit. And frankly, I deserve it. You can't take more than I just took. We'll see. For my second guest, I'm going Amelia Earhart.

Oh, yeah. Let's find out what happened. Let's find it out. A, I want to know what the fuck happened. Of course. But B, I read this today when I was making sure she is who I think she is because there's so many names in the world. A guy tried to propose to her six times and she was like, no, dude.

On the sixth time, she was like, all right, fine, but I need you to sign this first. So she basically had a prenup and it was like, I'm going to cheat on you whenever I want, so just so you know. Wild. And then she's like, if I'm not happy in a year, we're going to annul this marriage, and you've got to agree to that. And also, I'm going to keep working forever. You can't distract me from the things I love. So thanks.

Bye. And then he cut the brakes on their plane. The brakes. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, dude. He cut the fluid hose to the yaw. And she crashed.

I don't know. He cut the hose to the romper stomper. That sounds real. Yeah, and all the kink would just blow out. You know they solved the mystery, right? No, but they're not sure, right? Wait, I didn't know. Your look says joke.

They solved it. Your look says, what happened? Oh, you're kidding. No, I'm not. The bones on the Polynesian Island? Yeah. I don't know if I buy that. Wait, what?

Your face says joke. Well, somebody. She got eaten by crabs. Oh, okay. No, she did. I don't understand why do you guys think I'm fucking with you you look like you're about to drop a punchline

yeah they uh she knows it's true it's not a joke it's real I can't believe her phone's dead this is a monologue bit what are you talking about no no no no no no

you read about it you No, no, no. Did you hear about this? They found Amelia Earhart. No, you heard about it. You read about it? You heard about this? Yeah. Even my crabs? They found her. CNN, I read about this. They found her remains.

You sound way too happy. On an island. I don't understand what's happening. They found her Amelia Earhart. That's the CO2 they're pumping. It's the giant whippet that we're all sitting in. Wait, is that for real? I'm just trying to say

some real shit, but like it's a joke. Oh, yeah. They think maybe they did. There's no way to confirm it. So what if it was, it just ran out of gas? Well, I think she might have done,

if she survived on the island, I think it might have been like an emergency landing or something, right? Oh, and then she just cast away for a while? How do they know it's her bones? That's what I'm saying.

It feels like we're looking for bones and we're like, these could be her bones every time we find bones. I feel like a lot of people have died on Polynesian islands. Yeah.

Did you see South Pacific? I mean... No. No, no, no. It's also a musical. It's not real. Oh, I thought that was that movie where they

tried to make us think that... Pacific Rim? No, the one where they made us think all the white people were from Hawaii. Pearl Harbor. No.

Oh, The Village. No. I don't know. Lord of the Flies. Lilo and Stitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Moana. No, with Bradley Cooper.

Terminator. Oh, Aloha. Aloha. How do you remember that? Did anyone see that? I watch a lot of plane movies. Oh, yeah. Like Amelia Earhart would have if she hadn't died.

If she had the technology, sure. She would have seen Aloha. She would have watched Titanic so many times. Oh, man. She also would have seen The Comedian with Robert De Niro six times. I watched it. I've only ever watched it on a plane. Holy crap.

Yeah, I went through sections of that on different plane rides. Just picked it up next time I'm flying America. Because it's that bad. It's so terrible you can't watch it. It was a bummer, for sure. You wanted it to be good, too. Immediately I heard it would be tight. Mystery aside, that would have just been an amazing person to talk to.

Yeah, right? The first person that, like, what? So, pardon my ignorance, but she wanted to fly around the world. Yeah, I think so. I don't know a lot about her. That was, like, the goal? Eh, pretty sure. Non-stop?

I think so, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know if it was non-stop, right? Because she would have had to stop to get gas. For sure had to stop, yeah. But she was, like was spearheading it it would just be fun to interview somebody her spirit was non-stop that's what you mean

that's what the airline is named after now I want to hear a feminist from whatever year that was I'm not going to numbers was it the 40s? was it the 10s? I don't know 7?

I'm going to say 30s. Seven. I'm going to say 30s. When did planes start? I don't know. 18. First in flight, North Carolina. Kitty Hawk.

Kitty Hawk, 18. We'll get there. Let's keep trying. She flew across the Atlantic in 1932. Okay. That's what I was thinking. But I think Lindbergh was in the 20s. Okay.

Is that the blimp that blew up? No, Charles Lindbergh. That's the Hindenburg. Hindenburg. Close enough. I'm thinking about the Lindbergh baby. Wait, Is that the blimp that blew up? No, Charles Lindbergh. That's the Hindenburg. Close enough. I'm thinking about the Lindbergh baby. Wait, is that that Ben Stiller movie?

Wait, that's Greenberg. That's Greenberg. Lindbergh's are those chocolates that are like round. That's Lindt truffles. Yes, yes. Those are Ferrero Rocher. I thought those chips

that I really like are those are Ruffles. Oh, Ruffles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that that guy who's in Spotlight and the Avengers movies? Ruffalo, Mark Ruffalo. Oh, it's Mark Ruffalo. Oh, yeah, yeah. Isn't that the guy who's in Spotlight and the Avengers movies? Ruffalo.

Mark Ruffalo. Oh, it's Mark Ruffalo. Oh, okay. What are those things that you go to the park and you see them with their faces painted? Buffalo. Juggalo. Juggalo. Juggalo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What concert did I go to when I was a freshman in Sioux Falls, South Dakota? Um, D'Angelo? Insane Clown Posse. No, no, no. Insane Clown Posse. The Insane Clown Posse. Insane Clown Posse. Now we're just telling truths.

Chugalo. I thought we were doing a bit. This is the truth. I put a bow on it. I appreciate it. You're so good at wrapping things. Okay, I'm going to finish with my third guest. Are you ready? Holy shit, we're only on our third guest. Are you ready? I know. Fourth guest. Did I say that? Fourth guest, fourth pick.

Oh, right. Fourth pick. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I don't know what words are. So Jesus Christ, Amelia Earhart, and... Okay, I'm going to pull a crazy move. I'm going to actually switch here with my third guest, because they're going to be my host. I'm going to pick my third guest. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, really? I was going to

do him in our sandal I gave when you said Lin Truffle. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, really? I was about to do him in our sandal light game when you said Lin Truffle. Oh, you want to blow my bank. Lin Manuel Miranda, great. Jesus Christ and Amelia Earhart on a couch. That's a great pick. Very fun. Because they would have good energy together.

Good to have someone to talk over Jesus and Amelia Earhart. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking. He'd be the third one. He'd be the third one. For sure. Yeah. He's interesting.

Yeah, I mean, I just feel like- He'd be stoked. He'd just be a good, like, he'd be able to bring the energy in case, you know, it was not a lot of synergy between the two. You could definitely do a bit with him. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. Easy. Him and Prince, you kidding me? Prince would be like, please leave me alone. Oh, my God. Prince. He would not leave Prince alone. And Prince would be like, I don't want to know you.

He'd be more excited about Prince than Jesus, I bet. Of course. Prince would keep calling him the wrong name on purpose. He'd be looking, like, he'd be inching his, like he'd have the ottoman, and just be inching it closer over to Prince. Yeah. Like holding the mic up to Prince. Can we just, can we talk, can we be?

And then the camera just goes like, well, sorry, Jesus. We're going over to Prince and Lin-Manuel Miranda. I don't know. So walk us through the Lin-Manuel Miranda. All right, here's my thought. Yeah. Who's somebody that's kind of universally loved? Yeah.

Who kind of gets along with everybody? Because I've seen him in a variety of projects. He works in everything I've seen him in. That's talented, good filler, good energy, and also from the modern day. You can't have all dead people. They can't be all Vlad the Impaler.

And they had a bunch on here. I was thinking about Jenny Slate for a minute. Oh, yeah. And I was like, but then Jesus is going to feel, like, left out. Yeah. Two cool chicks, and he's like, I don't know. Oh, I thought.

Okay. That's okay. But also, if Jesus comes back. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please. Where does he sit with the Jewish community community at large he's jew he's a jew he's jewish okay but not just not the messiah but he thought he was and we said no

it could be tense listen i'm not talking about it could be that's what i'm feeling i feel like there's a lot of baggage there yeah let's let's not look at let's not look at when we look at him now we'll just want maybe as a guy you know let's take take away the god stuff and the bible lot of baggage there. Let's not look at what we look at him now. Maybe as a guy, you know? Let's take away the God stuff and the Bible stuff. He's just a carpenter, man. He's just a cool carpenter from the Middle East. He just likes to hang out with his 12 homies, man. And he likes to drink.

I don't know. Does he drink? Does God drink? He drinks. I shouldn't talk about this so flippantly. He drinks. Does God drink? Also, is Jesus God? I don't know. He is God. He's God?

It depends on who you're talking to. I don't know. These are questions I would ask or I would have my host ask on my dog show. Are you God? So are you God or no? I've always been mixed up. And your host is Odie from Garf.

Hey, Jesus. Hey, Jesus. Jesus, are you... One quick question. Are you God? Do you believe... So if you're God, do you believe in you?

What do you do on Christmas? Is it like a bummer because it's your birthday and Christmas? It's a bummer for Chongo, man. He hates it. Dude, Chungus. Chungus.

Damn it. Do your hands hurt because of the nails or because you're God? They don't? Bro. Nothing hurts. If you're God, how come you didn't sort of like jump off the cross? Oh, bro. Why don't you even like attack?

You should have attacked. You peaceful, bro. Why don't you even attack? You should have attacked. You peaceful, bro? I'm just going to let you guys. I feel like that was your bit. These are the questions. I don't totally know what you're doing, so I'm just like, this is fun. I don't know. We're wiling.

Yeah, chilling. It's one of those. It's one of those. I'll be out wiling. I have Jesus Christ and Lin-Manuel Miranda on the couch together, so anything can happen today. No one's tuning in to our shows, by the way. No, no, no.

No one's watching this. Oh, no, no, no. Are you kidding me? No, no, no. Ours are good, right? I mean, like, we've been yours. David and I have planned

That's what I'm saying. That's why you said to me. David and I have planned, like, good things that could actually happen that people might watch, you know, given, like, the timelines. People would watch yours way more

because it'd be fucking Vlad the Impaler sitting down for a one-on-one with God only knows who. Yours is crazy. Yeah. Freddie Mercury just less than 15 feet away

from one of history's greatest monsters and Doc Holliday. I don't even understand. Jesus is on hers. And Prince. We're playing different games here. We're playing different games here. We're playing different games.

I think we are. I think that is fair. I think there are two separate games. It is funny. David and Niera are the same game. You tried out the same game. Man, that's funny, dude. We gotta get to Sean's next pick. It's my next pick.

If you choose a crazy one now... I'm keeping mine all... Okay, you got a theme. Everything's on the rink. I'm going to take one of the other greatest actual late night talk show guests of all time. So funny. A killer in any era from when he was young

going on whatever those shows were. Going on like pre-Carson to right before his death. Don Rickles. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah. The third guest, he might even do some stand-up

and then get called over to the couch. Yeah, yeah. And then he's on there riffing with Marty Short and Robin Williams. Maybe he just comes over to the couch. They don't call him over. He's just like, he goes, I'm done. I'm coming over to the couch.

I'm coming over, you idiots. Clear his face. He called idiots. Yeah. He called idiots. He actually wouldn't do stand-up. He's actually just going right to the couch Yeah cause he'll do it from the couch

So he's my third guest He's fantastic if you Have the opportunity go on YouTube And just look up any Don Rickles on a late night show He's Puts you in such a good mood He's out there being racist And sexist and roasting everyone

But he does it with such a warmth. It feels good. Yeah. It feels right. When shitty people on the internet are like, I make fun of everybody. You're like, fuck you, you prick. But Don Rickles really did that, and you're like, God bless him. One of my great regrets is when I worked at Chelsea Lately.

Yeah. Was he on? No, that's the whole story. No, I'm just joking. No, it was when I worked with Chelsea. And the guy I shared my office with

was this guy Dean Ward. Shout out to Dean Ward who was very into the old Friars Club stuff and like loved it. And kept trying us to go see Don Rickles because he would still tour

up until the last days. Wow. And he was doing this dinner theater thing or this dinner supper club not a dinner theater. Yeah. And we didn until the last days. Wow. And he was doing this dinner theater thing or this dinner supper club, not a dinner theater. Yeah. And we didn't, I didn't go. And Dean did, but I could have seen him and I didn't see him.

Yeah. It's definitely looking back. You're like, God, he was on the coast, the Oregon coast one time. Right. I forget who was going, but somebody, they had a ticket even. And I was like, no, I don't want to, I don't want to. Why? What the fuck was I doing that I

didn't wanna go see? That's crazy. He's got great Sinatra stories. Very quickly I'll repeat his best Sinatra story. So he's opening for Sinatra at the Sands in Las Vegas. Right? And after the show, or before the show, maybe the next day, Rickles is out to dinner

with a girl who's trying to impress and he sees Frank Sinatra walk in and go sit at another table and uh Rickles goes over to pay his respects and say hello to Frank Sinatra and everything and he says hey Frank I'm you know I'm trying to make it with this girl it would mean the world to me if you just came over and said hello with this girl you know just come say hello she's gonna be impressed because it's you it's Frank Sinatra it would mean the world to me. Would you just please do it? He's like, all right, Frank, I'll come do it.

Or all right, Don, I'll come do it. And Don goes and sits back down at his table. They continue their meal. A little bit later, Frank gets up and comes over. And he puts his hand on Don Urkel's shoulder. But before Frank can say anything, Don says, would you leave me alone, Frank? I'm out to dinner, all right? Quit bothering me.

I bet you Frank laughed his ass off. He must have. He's so fucking good, buddy. Just hammered out of his gourd, laughed his ass off. So you get stories like that. You get him riffing. It's just amazing. I couldn't think of a better couch.

Yeah, so that's my pick. Sean? Such a good pick. Man, why couldn't I have just done more of those? Because you're about to pick Sarah Lee. Sean? Such a good pick. Man, why couldn't I have just done more of those? I know. Why would you do something fancy? Because you're about to pick Sarah Lee. You know, you're not wildly off.

Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee. So my third guest, because I still can't think about how it was my third guest on the couch. Man, I just can't. That last pick really, really, really weirded out the couch. Really weirded out the couch. Really weirded out the couch. My third pick for a guest is going to be Bruce Lee. Oh, okay. I like a Bruce Lee on the couch.

You have an old Western guy. Bruce Lee was so peaceful. He was just such a, he just knew what was up all the time. And he's a man of few words, but the words were strong. I've always liked Bruce Lee. I've been fascinated by Bruce Lee. Is anyone on the couch going to talk? All of your couch, I feel like.

They're all very violent. If this were like some sort of battle royale. This would be, I mean, it's funny because it's all the host is just going to have to be so strong. It's going to be such a tense couch. And then fucking Freddie Mercury performing in the corner. I mean, this is a wild. This show is literally giving me hives. These all sounded, you know, and they're coming together now.

I don't feel safe at your show. The theme is violence. Here's what I understand. I love grapes. And I also love mozzarella cheese. And if I'm writing down two foods that I love, they're both going to go on there. But maybe I was crazy for trying to put them in the same dish.

You know what I'm saying? I got to go pee, but keep talking. Keep the podcast going. I like when it keeps going with me not there, because when I listen, then there's surprises. So all I'm thinking is that, God, I've just been laughing this whole time thinking about Vlad the Impaler and how violent that truly is, and how that glossed over me when I was at work. I just, it didn't even-

Do you think you were feeling violent at work? No. God, no. It just sounded fun. I got down, I went down this fucking rabbit hole, and I'm reading this story about this fucking lunatic, and I just wanted someone to interview him. And in my mind, honestly, I thought that was going to be Martin Short or Robin Williams was going to be the one to harangue these.

Here is my question. This gaggle of fucking psychopaths. My big question for you. How long? How many people had you thought about before Vlad the Impaler came to you? Yeah, when you arrived. Is he like top three or was it like he's like the 15th guy you thought? This is a wild list.

As soon as we get done and we're saying who's the wild list, there's a lot of people on here. I'm just so curious because I could try to think of him and I wouldn't be able to. And he was in there. He was fresh on the dome. I just want to hear the story. It's a fascinating story to me. It's just, oh, you heard it as a kid and it always just stayed with you? I feel we're focusing on Vlad again.

Bruce Lee is the pick. Sorry, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's We're focusing on Vlad again. Bruce Lee is the pick. Sorry, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's fine. Bruce Lee seems so tame. That's what I worry will happen with your talk show. Right. We'll all keep going back to Vlad.

Yeah. That's my worry for you. So in my mind, this is like a fictional, completely fictional universe where they're like ribbing him and he's like a fun villain. I feel like you're trying to good boy a bad man oh well right right i'm just i didn't even think about it but i don't want it he's not a good you're like doing itonia but for vlad the impaler exactly but it's like live sheet you don't have the benefit of all the great 80s music yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Hilarious actor. What are you throwing a montage? You might have just impaling people.

Yeah, what are you going to show? What are you going to do when you have to show a clip of his latest project? How does the host introduce him? He's writing his memoirs. You might know him from murder. Some might call it a manifesto when Vlad the Impaler writes it. You might know him from genocide. Vlad the Impaler. So Bruce Lee might know him from Genocide. Vlad the Impaler. Oh, man.

So Bruce Lee was my third pick. I mean, at this point, he's just the shadow of Vlad. Or my fourth pick, by the way. Why don't I try to pick a host? Wait and see what happens. Oh, boy. You're still just off the fly. You don't have anything.

Oh, no. I thought about this all day. The list is 40 people deep. Bruce Lee. So deep. Oh, brother. Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee.

David Borey, it's time for your fourth and fifth picks. Which I'm sure are going to be great. Now it's all kind of fusing together in my head. Yeah. This is a timely pick. This is right now, or this time of year at least. Yeah. I like this guy.

Another super charming guy. I think he can play with Cardi B. I think he can play with Dolly Parton. Always been good on interviews and just lights up a room as soon as he walks out. I'm saying, fucking Magic Johnson. As a guest, right?

He tried to host. Yeah, did not work. He tried a lot of things. He tried a lot of things. He tried a lot of things. But I just think it would be so fun because he comes out. You could talk to him about basketball. Yeah. Him and Dolly could rib each other about anything.

Cardi B ribs him about, oh, you also tried to start a new show. Yeah. Maybe she talks to him about his son and some fashion stuff. Oh, his son is great. His son is great. I think he can do a lot of things. I think he's tried and true. I think he's going to keep Dolly at ease.

Yeah. Because she's going to feel like, okay, we're from the same, you know what I mean? Yeah. I think he's kind of an icon. He's an icon. Oh, he's totally an icon. Of course he's an icon. I just love him. I've just always, his presence is so-

He could be out there giving his basic ass basketball opinions that he shares on Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got to put the ball in the hole, man. I want to hear about his experience shooting the Do You Remember video for Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got to put the ball in the hole, man. I want to hear about his experience shooting the Do You Remember video for Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no shirt on.

Also, I feel like Cardi B, now that it's been years, I think Cardi B would be like, so, you beat AIDS? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She might get into it.

She might get right in. Yeah, and I think there's like a good little time. Yeah, I think Magic Johnson would be a great guest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good couch.

That's a good couch. I'm closing it out with just a real weird guy. Yeah, yeah. But I would like to see him with all these people. Because I think if you got three on the couch, I feel like you need somebody who's uncomfortable. Yes. Somebody who's almost like. Okay.

Somebody who's almost like. On and out. This person knows what he's doing there, but this isn't's uncomfortable. Yes. Somebody who's almost like. Okay. Somebody who's almost like. Odd man out. This person knows what he's doing there, but this isn't his element. Yeah. He's not a show business guy. He's a thinker. He's an idea man. My third guest, Elon Musk.

Whoa. No. Would that not be the weirdest? No, no, no, no. Not on board. Well, it's a weird. I'm so angry. I'm an actual good one.

Not on board. Why are you so mad? He's so annoying to watch no. Not on board. Well, it's a weird answer for an actual good one. Not on board. Why are you so mad? He's so annoying to watch talk. He seems thirsty. Have you heard him talk? Yeah, it's weird. He would try to hang. Cardi B would balance him out, right?

No. She could chicken over the top. He's on at the end. He's like a- He's on at the end anyways. He's not the first guest. It's probably going to go Dolly Parton, Magic Johnson. What would you ask him?

Can I give you a little late night, just a little late night experience? What might be a good thing to do? You don't think I'm drowning for that right now? Let me throw you a life preserver. Let me throw you a life preserver. Elon Musk comes out. Cardi B goes down to the performance area, the monologue area. Yeah.

They have a little science demonstration. Yeah. It's one of those ones where they're like, and Elon Musk is like, oh, let me show you how to do, you know, he's got five fun experiments. I like that. Yeah. It's one of those ones where they're like, and Elon Musk is like, oh, let me show you how to do, you know, he's got five fun experiments. I like that. Yeah, and he's like, and then maybe he goes to the couch. Can I change it from Elon Musk? Because I have another scientist. Oh, okay.

I have another scientist. I don't know. Can you change it? I'm down, yeah. It's up to you. Oh, yeah. Elon Musk. This other one.

Marissa? Yeah, it's up to you. Marissa's cool with it. All right. This other one's a way no brainer. You just got bumped. I was thinking about this guy because my roommate wrote for him. The other one's Bill Nye.

Oh, Bill Nye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought that he was so like, I didn't want it to be all just Charisma City. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because I don't want them to try to top each other. I don't want everybody to try to top.

Bill Nye's going to dance. Who knows? He's very. Yeah, and he'll do some science experiments with you. Oh, he'll do some. He's a giver in conversation, too. He can hang. When I went to the SNL after party, Bill Nye was hanging out.

Whoa. Was he on the show? Was he dancing? He was late. Had he been on the show? No, he wasn't dancing. No, he wasn't on the show. He was just hanging out at the after party.

Huh. Late. That's a fun idea. Like bird dogging late? Like 2.33 a.m. Oh, you're out. You're out. New York City?

Yeah. I mean, that's early New York City, but Bill Nye, that feels late for anywhere. He's not a young man. He's not a young man. He can hang. He can hang. He was. He can be invited to my brunch.

He was walking somewhere with purpose when I saw him. I think that Bill Nye is probably what we would call a celebrated bachelor. Okay. Is he not married? I don't think anybody locked that down. I'll believe anything you tell me about Bill Nye. Well, inertia is a property of matter. And, you know.

I don't know anything you just said. You have a lot of single inertia. Yeah, yeah. Also, don't stop moving. You know what I mean? Can't stop. Won't stop. Anyways, Bill Nye.

Bill Nye. It's a weird end, but I just. I like Bill Nye. It's so good., but I just... I like Bill Nye. It's so good. I feel like the whole... It would work. You know what I mean? Bill Nye and Dolly Parton.

I think it's fantastic. Yeah, that's a cool combo. Sean Jordan. I'm just terrified over here. So we need your host, Sean. I know we do. Ziggy from the comic strip Ziggy. Freddie Mercury's leaving the band.

Woof. And who's he bringing through those curtains? Woof. Oh, man. Are you choosing right now? There's no, man. Are you choosing right now? There's no right answer. You're choosing right now? I mean, I just, this went differently than I thought it was going to go.

Oh, yeah. There's no real right answer. You're like a suicide squad. I know. So I'm saying Tom Hanks is my host. Great pick. That's great. Yeah.

That's good. That's your best pick. But when I'm thinking of everybody else, it's so tricky. Him and Freddie Mercury, I think, would go together just fine. I really just blew it with The Impaler. Or did you? I don't know. Maybe you won because of The Impaler.

Like Ian said, everybody's going to want to watch your show. I don't think it was built for longevity, but everybody's going to like... So the list of my hosts... Yeah, I can't tell you. I told you to pick a host. I don't think it was built for longevity, but everybody's gonna like... So the list of my hosts... Yeah, I can't tell you. I told you to pick a host. I know, but two of them were yours. But it's just funny. I had four. Two of them you already picked, and they were

all equal. Well, no, they weren't. One of them was just crazy, but the three that you... So Robin Williams, Martin Short, Tom Hanks, I was like, I can see them all doing it. I love them all. They're all perfect. They can all fit in whatever role host, extremely specifically, is what they fit into. So Tom Hanks, putting a button on it.

I'm thrilled that went over. He could get along with anyone. Yeah. That actually kind of levels out the other picks. Okay. Although I would be interested to see Freddie Mercury and Tom Hanks interacting. Wait until you hear me and read them at the end of the show.

It's going to be funny. It's going to be funny. Tom Hanks, who's this that said they could have been one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time? God. Well, it certainly wasn't in the movie Punchline, which was the least accurate portrayal of stand-up comedy I've ever seen in my life. Oh, you don't use the lockers in the back of the comedy club? He goes, you want to see what comedy's all about? And then he goes to the cancer ward and does stand-up for the kids.

And that's something he does. I mean, not saying that people don't do that, but that's not something. That's what happens when you let Barry Sobel be your comedy supervisor. Yeah, the comedy gym. Have you ever seen Punchline? No, I've never seen this movie. It's something. It's like the Marvelous Miss Maisel one.

It's like the first stand up movie. No, I'm kidding. Marvelous Miss Maisel. I have seen Marvelous Miss Maisel. It's way better. It's way better. It's very good. They all have lockers in the back of the comedy cellar that they change in.

They're going out to play football or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's ridiculous. No, a couple times I have done stand-up. I definitely did that. You used the locker? Mm-hmm. Did you shower there?

Yeah, I brought my own lock, though. Padlock. I keep it with me. Bring your own lock. Bring your own gym shoes. Sure. Yeah, yeah, shower shoes, too. I thought of another nickname for Shane, but this one's a nice one.

What? The Flexin' Texan. Oh, that's a nice one. Right? Yeah, yeah, shower shoes too. I thought of another nickname for Shane, but this one's a nice one. What? The Flexin' Texan. Oh, that's a nice one. Right? Yeah, dude. We can be nice every now and again to the kid. Shout out Shane Torres. Buy his album.

He's a saint. The Flexin' Texan, dude. So yeah, Tom Hanks. All right, it's time for me to pick my host. All right. I have to caveat this with, I've only picked men so far. Yeah.

And I set out intentionally not to do that. I did too and then it happened. You know what though? I will give you a break as the woman here because I had trouble not picking all men and I figured out why. Yeah. Historically, we don't remember women unless they were activists. So there are very few references to pull from that we can be like, oh, that woman was so

great or funny because we never got to see him shine. Well, I have a woman I really want to pick here to be my host. I have two, actually. But then, when you said Tom Hanks, I thought of someone who would maybe be the ultimate late night host.

Okay. And I kind of have to take them, even though it's another guy. Yeah. Which I feel bad, and I'm aware of that. And I didn't mean to do it.

I gotta take the Fresh Prince of Late Night, Will Smith. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's game over. That didn't even Fresh Prince of Late Night, Will Smith. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. That's game over. He didn't even cross my mind. That's game over.

Will Smith, he can do everything. He didn't even come into my fucking, wow. And he's gonna live for 50 more years.

He's gonna live forever. He could start now. That's a great pick. He's amazing. He can do music bits. Yeah. He can, interviewing people, he would be amazing. So charming. God, he's amazing. He can do music bits. Yeah. He can, interviewing people, he would be amazing. God, he's like the ultimate Jimmy Fallon.

Yeah, he's the ultimate Jimmy Fallon. He's super Fallon. And cool, but cool. Yeah, but way cooler. Even though he makes a fool of himself. That would be tight. The whole family would come on sometimes. There's no bad nights.

There's no bad nights. Oh, my gosh. Unless Jaden's out there trying to skateboard. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop. You don't have to do everything.

You don't need that in your life. You knock it off, Jaden Smith. What? You don't want? What? You put that skateboard down. Why don't you want him to skate? I can tell that he's not actually trying to go skate.

He's just like doing it from. Okay. Okay. There's no good way for me to say this. He's a poser. Yeah. Yes, he is. But he... Okay. Okay. There's no good way for me to say this, but... He's a poser. Yeah. Yes, he is. But he skates, though.

And that bothers me. Yeah. Yeah. But so Lil Wayne skates, and he's not very good, but he tries his fucking ass off when he skates. What do you define this? Like tricks is good? No, just try.

You try. Try. I need to know that you're trying, and Jaden Smith is not out there... You don't feel like he's putting his full athletic ability into it. I don't feel like he's trying at all. I feel like he wants the skateboard in his arm when he's walking down the streets in is not out there you don't feel like he's putting his full athletic ability I don't feel like he's trying at all I feel like he wants the skateboard in his arm

when he's walking down the streets in New York no he skates down the streets yeah I know I know I know

I understand where we're going here you're not gonna change this fucking mind I'm not trying his dad is probably too talented to have ever become

just a late night house yeah but he would've been not every great movie star would've been a great late night house but I think he would've been just spectacular great movie star would have been a great late night house but i think he would have been well because he's the perfect amount of everything he can do everything yeah that's the thing about will smith he's like the one he's where he is because of just

pure he's more talented i mean you look at fresh prince does anyone watch a fresh prince without will smith in it oh my gosh i feel like he what's the show he got a scholarship to mit and he decided to go rap professionally. Yeah, that's amazing. Nobody gets those options. But it was like a conscious choice. Yeah. Yeah.

He could do great interviews, I feel like, too. He could seriously, you could sit him down with a very serious person and he could shift into that gear. Yes. I think he's got all of that. Yes. He's dreamy, too. He is dreamy.

He's fucking dreamy. Get lost in that high forehead. Yes. And that's just that deep timber. Yeah. That rolling bitch. When he just. Like he takes a little bass off of the Eddie Murphy laugh.

Yeah. Yes. What happened? Yes. Yeah, he's the best. Yeah. And when Louis Prima's sick, Jazzy Jeff comes in and fills it. Yes.

So that's my host, Bill Smith. Me Albrada. and fills it. Yes. So that's my host, Bill Smith. Miel Breda. Oh, my God. Okay. I just, just right now, it popped into my head who I want to be my host. So even though I didn't say it yet, I'm changing it for the third time since sitting here. Wow. You're the other two.

I really want a female host, and I couldn't think of any. And I was like, this is such fucking bull. Cardi B popped into my head, but I was like, she's still too young. I want to wait. It just hit me. It just hit me. And I think she could carry Jesus Christ, Amelia Earhart, and Lin-Manuel Miranda, and she could interface with Prince on a nightly basis, and it'd be okay.

I'm so excited. Tiffany Haddish. Oh! Good call. Good call. Right? I don't think she? I'm so excited. Tiffany Haddish. Oh! Good call. Good call. Right? I don't think she would be intimidated by Jesus.

She wouldn't. No, she wouldn't. And she'd ask him what we're all thinking. She'd give a fight. She'd be like, Jesus who? She's Jewish.

Yeah. As we found out the other day. So Jesus ain't gonna... She would say what we all want to say and we're too scared to. That's a fantastic call. Was it you who was telling me

Tiffany Haddish is Jewish? I think it was Zach saying that. Tuscany. Zachula. Messianic Jewish or... I think he's Eritdish is Jewish? I think it was Zach saying that. Tuscany. Zachula. Messianic Jewish or birthright Jewish? I think Eritrean Jewish. I don't know. What is it?

Eritrea from the country? Eritrea, yeah. Okay, all right. North Africa? I didn't poke around too much. Yeah. Calzacula told me about it. In Glen Sylvania.

You're a dude? Zach the Impaler is what he's called. Tiffany Haddish, great pick. Big year.. Uh, Tiffany Haddish. Great pick. Big year. Big year for Tiffany Haddish. I think about as big a year as a person can have. Dude, I didn't know.

I, I met her. I went to the, uh, high court, uh, comedy central party. Yeah.

She was on the high court. Yeah. And she just came in just like, just a ray of sun. I'd never seen her, never heard of her. And she lit, I was like,

who is that person lighting up the room? Everybody just turned and they were laughing and smiling. And she just walked through the heard of her. And she lit. I was like, who is that person lighting up the room? Everybody just turned and they were laughing and smiling. And she just walked through the sea of people. And I don't know that a lot of people knew who she was. She just is like that. She didn't. Yeah. And that was just last year.

Like right around this time last year. It's fucking crazy. It's been a good year for her, man. It's like the year. I just feel like. Once again, I think the best year. Yeah, you don't get a better year, right? A person in what we do could have.

Oh, yeah. Right. I feel like Cardi B's had a good year, but not in this field. Oh, yeah. the best year a person in what we do could have. Oh, yeah, right. I feel like Cardi B's had a good year, but not in this field. Oh, yeah, but she's a musician. Rappers have those kind of years. Yeah, it can happen. Yeah, I feel like it's easier to do that

than as a comedian. Yeah, true. And then Tiffany Haddish even got a little taste of the musician when she was in that Drake video. Just got to dip her feet in the bathtub a little bit. Oh, I love that video. That video's dope, dude. I just feel like she could hang with anybody,

and she could kind of razz you, but you would like it. I think she'd be a great host. She really would. Yeah, but it would be so fun and charming that you'd be like, I enjoy this. She'd make fun of Jesus' sandals. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

And she'd ask him when his birthday is. Which AFV fans I am not doing. No. I think our fans would be okay with that. Yeah, yeah, And she'd ask him when his birthday is. Which AFV fans I am not doing. No. I think our fans would be okay with that. Yeah, they're fine. Roast hand, Jesus' sandals. Yeah, Tiffany Hatch, I had to follow her at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, and I was very worried, but it went well.

Went okay, right? Yeah. Why did someone do that to you? I don't understand what you mean. When you have to follow somebody who's like... She'd been on Time Magazine that week. Famous. And it's also like

why is she not closing the show? Yeah, I'm confused. How did that happen? Well, the famouses always want to go up early. Yeah, they never want to do it. You cowards. They never want to do what the job is. You climb this ladder in comedy to go last and then right when you get to the level

then you just get to go whenever you want. So like at a festival you go early. If you're doing a theater you go last, you know? Fucking famouses. Excellent pick. Final pick of the draft. We left some, well, first we'll recap. David, you started off, you picked Cardi B

as your host, Daft Punk as your band, Dolly Parton, Magic Johnson, and Bill Nye as your guest. That's such a good show. Sean, you went second. You took Freddie Mercury as your band, Dolly Parton, Magic Johnson, and Bill Nye as your guests. That's such a good show. Sean, you went second. You took Freddie Mercury as your band leader,

Doc Holliday as a guest, Vlad the Impaler Dracul. That's just, woof, man. Responsible for more than 100,000 deaths. Yeah, yeah, I know. Concerning about your personality

that just came to you. Interesting interview. Bruce Lee, and then your that just came to you. Interesting interview. Bruce Lee. And then your host, Tom Hanks. What the fuck? America's sweetheart. I went third. I took Martin Short as a guest.

Louis Prima as my band leader. Robin Williams and Don Rickles as guests. And then Will Smith as the host. That's tight. I like thinking of what Don Rickles is saying to Will Smith is what I like. Oh, it's great. And Will Smith is the host. It's tight. I like thinking of what Don Rickles is saying to Will Smith is what I like. Oh, it's great. And Will Smith is wrestling back twice as hard.

Yeah, they're having a good back and forth. Oh, no, they're making each other cry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some extra shit that we didn't see. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, like going to commercial.

Yeah, yeah. They come back from commercial laughing so hard they can't breathe. Every time. Yeah. You're just like, what were these guys. Every time. Braydo, you went fourth. You took Jesus Christ as a guest. Prince as your band leader. Amelia Earhart as a guest. Lin-Manuel

Miranda as a guest. And Tiffany Haddish. I really want to switch out Lin-Manuel Miranda now that I'm not using the person I replaced him for. So who did you... It was RuPaul. It was RuPaul. And then I was like, I'm going to shout Lin-Manuel Miranda now that I'm not using the person I replaced him for. So who did you, who were the hosts? Yeah, now you can say. Who did you leave on the board?

It was RuPaul. Oh. It was RuPaul. And then I was like, no, RuPaul's got to be the host. And then Tiffany Haddish came and I was like, now RuPaul just got bumped for fucking Lin-Manuel Miranda. God damn it. I'm sure it's happened. Yeah.

Ru knows show business. We left some good ones on the board. Oh, fuck her. Carol Burnett was the host I was going to take. Oh, really? That's amazing. She would have been awesome. She would have been fantastic.

But I think Will Smith would be just fractions better. But Carol Burnett would be a fucking. With the rest of your lineup. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had Bill Murray, and then I thought, who else would be a fun host? This is a weird one. Yeah.

Miss Pat. Oh, Miss Pat. I think Miss Pat would have been a good host. Boy, you guys are way better at this. I want to bring on John Mulaney as a stand-up. Oh, that's right. Or Rory Scovel as the stand-up. He's like the king of late night.

He's the king of late night. What he does on Conan and stuff is amazing. Vince Staples I thought would make a great couch guest. Oh, yeah. And I swear this isn't pandering. And if we had to do a thing where we did a realistic late night draft, I would have taken the homie Katie Nolan as a host. I think she'd have been perfect at it.

Or would be perfect. Yeah, shout out to sports. And shout out to Katie Nolan. I just think she'd be an amazing late night host. Because she's funny, she's done it before. She might, yeah. Can actually interview people. Isn't going to be intimidated by anyone. It would have been, yeah, she's done it before. She might, yeah. And can actually interview people. Isn't going to be intimidated by anyone.

It would have been, yeah, she's fucking fantastic at it. Who was your band? That's what I wanted to hear. Who else did you have for band members? Oh, once I thought of Louis Primo, I thought that Thundercat and his band for a minute would have been fun, but maybe a little too funky. I had Anderson.Paak.

Oh, Anderson.Paak would be so good. So good. And I also had George Clinton, but I feel like he's a realPaak. Oh, Anderson.Paak would be so good. So good. And I also had George Clinton, but I feel like he's a real wild card. Yeah, yeah. I had James Brown. That would have been a fucking wild card. Yeah. Anderson.Paak might be perfect, actually. Aretha Franklin was on there.

As the band? Missy Elliott, dude. Hello. Yeah, I was going nuts over here. The band was just rapping? Yep. Missy Elliott and Timbaland? She just says words backwards the whole time. That would have been tight. Yeah, that was fun. Well, it's 9 p.m. on a Thursday.

I believe Marissa's been at work for probably 42 hours straight. There it is. Goddamn sweetheart. Super shout out to super producer Marissa. We love you. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Follow her at Mars Mel on Twitter for hot Overwatch takes. We love you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Follow her at MarsMell on Twitter for hot Overwatch takes. Oh yeah, the hot Overwatches. And exclusive behind-the-scenes access. Follow us at AllFantasy... God, at AllFantasyPod on Twitter. Send us email at

AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com You know. Shout out to everyone on the subreddit. Shout out to everyone on Twitter, the gram. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Yeah, there she is. Yeah, I'm so tired.

Oh, yeah. I just got so tired. Oh, yeah, super dope. Everybody, I had a rush of this earlier, but an honest, earnest, for real thank you to every single person that listens. Every DM I get on Instagram, every email that we're not,

that we get, that anything, if you're going through a rough time, anything, if this helps at all, ever, that's fantastic. That reminds me,

I actually wanted to read a message I got, Sean, that somebody sent me about you, which, sorry to do this on air without having read it to you before, but it's, Ooh,

live honest reaction. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, air without having read it to you before. Ooh, live honest reaction. Hey. Hey, Carms. I just wanted to send you this message because I know you're good friends with Sean, and I don't know if he's going to see this, and we've messaged before, so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all the stupid stuff.

Not stupid, just like funny. I've been having a tough time recently. Things haven't been really going the way I wanted in life, the way I saw things going. And I actually recently had a medical incident where the king of Transylvania impaled me on a spike. And I've been languishing out here, burning in the sun for 72 straight hours. And Sean's positivity on the podcast has gotten me through this tough time

if you could just tell him I appreciate everything he does before the crows that Vlad Rekul set loose in this area pick my eyes clean from my skull thanks for everything you do bean burrito, no onions. Oh, you were tired, dude.

You had me hard, man. I was like, wow, you're really doing this on air? This is dark. Fuck, man. Yeah, dude. Listen, all that rah-rah shit, but more importantly than anything, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything?

Shacklack City. Yeah. Yes. that was a hate gum podcast