All Fantasy Everything - Lies Our Parents Told Us (w/ Zak Toscani, Shaker Samman, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

We could have gone very dark with this, but we kept it light!   Episode Guests: Zak Toscani @Zak_Toscani (IG: @ZakToscani) Shaker Samman @ShakerSamman (IG: @ShakerSamman)   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel) Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan) David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87) Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a writer from Los Angeles. You know him, you love him. Shocker Saman. The next, comedian touring all over the country, also residing in Los Angeles currently. You know him, you also love him, Zach Toscani. Joining us as always is our friend and comedian, David Borey. My name is Sean Jordan. Ian Carmel, out this week, feet firmly planted on Bolivian soil. Hit that theme song. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that went straight into it. Playboy, no slate, no nothing. How are y'all living?

Oh man, you know, 10 feet tall. What a time to be alive. Yeah, I'm full of energy because I didn't just travel. Well, no one's in LA. Or wait, shocker, you're in LA since the hurricane. Yeah, I'm full of energy because I didn't just travel. Well, no one's in LA. Or wait, shocker, you're in LA. I am in Los Angeles. Yeah, the heavy rainstorm plus earthquake that I didn't feel, but that I'm going to pretend that I felt for clout.

How many earthquakes have you guys actually felt? I feel like I've only felt like two in my whole life, the whole time I was in California. There was that summer a couple of years ago where there was like the 6.9 and the 7.1 within like a couple of weeks of each other. And I didn't feel the first one, but I was in a movie theater on a pretty bad date

to see that Beatles movie yesterday. And we were on the second floor of the Arclight and halfway through the movie, just everything started to shake. And I was like, we should get out of here. Well, I got to go. There's an earthquake. You just leave it sitting there.

I think I'm in love. You totally mistake the shaking for something else. Like, damn, I love this lady. My whole world's shaking. People are freaking out. At first, I thought someone was kicking the back of my chair just really aggressively. And then I was like,

oh, no, no, that's an earthquake. Still haven't ever seen the end of that movie. Don't think I ever will. Ah, you get it. You got a good ending. Yeah. Me, David, and Sean were all together for one. We were in the living room in Glendale, and Sean, like, I remember you, like, you were freaked out the rest

of the day. Like, you were like, you kept going outside, and you were like, I just don't want to be under a roof. I just don't want to be under a roof. It was like 10 seconds of the house waving, bro. It did feel like it was the house waving. It did feel like it was one of those things where you feel like the house picked up and then dropped like a foot. I wasn't ready for all that.

I remember looking outside and I knew it was Buck because all the people who are dug into Glendale were just outside too. So I'm like, alright, I'm not wrong. Isn't that a weird community California thing? I remember I was in my apartment and there was an earthquake. And it was like late, but everybody comes out for a second.

Yep. Just to be like, was that a... Even the rats come out of the dumpster like, what the fuck? It's that sort of thing how they say in the South that people in the South don't take like big storms like hurricanes seriously unless Waffle House shuts down because Waffle House never closes. It's like you don't have to take an earthquake seriously unless the Armenian gentleman who's lived next door

for 46 years walks outside. Then you know that was real. If Waffle House shut down, I might get something else on my algorithm for a change. But as it goes, it's just fights. So they stay open. You got to look at some animals or something. Nah, look at shoes and fights, man.

That's why you love them all. Kind of sums me on up. Now, that man telling me I got to look at something else. Cool guy jokes, 87 on Instagram. Let me ask you a question, David. Are you on Twitter anymore? Not even. They tricked me with threads, but I'm not going back.

I never, well, anyway, I digress. David Borey in the house. How you living, man? Oh, man, I cannot complain. I feel good. I'm happy. I'm home. Texas was really, really hot.

Now, let me do this for you, everybody, just so you know the kind of work that happens. David landed at DIA two hours ago. Two hours ago at DIA. And ago. Two hours ago at DIA. And that is a disgusting commute at this hour. I did it a month ago to your house and it took... It's not amazing.

It is the worst. Anyway, so yeah, man. Why don't you rip off them tour dates? I know you got some coming up. Sioux Falls is on there, so I'm well aware of that. Sioux Falls is on there. So bringdavidaplate.com First date October... Sioux Falls is on there, so I'm well aware of that. Sioux Falls is on there. So bringdavidaplate.com. First date, October. Fuck, I'm so sorry.

I haven't been home for a while. First date, August 30th. And then I'll just go down and read. I'm going to get into the groove. We got it. Bringdavidaplate.com, aluminum foil tour. You know, people have been already bringing me plates. I was going to ask if anyone's brought a plate yet.

I got this. Oh, man. My man was supposed to tag me, but he didn't tag me in the picture. He brought me like this. What was it? Lemonade pound cake. Strawberry lemonade pound cake. It was amazing.

Amazing. Oh, my God. Damn. Crushed that shit in the hotel. It's nice, dude. With my God. Damn. Crush that shit in the hotel. It's nice, dude. With my fingers like an animal. It was like after the show. You saw it and then you put the do not disturb sign. Yeah.

And it's like, it's like, cause I'm not really drinking as much on the road anymore. Cause just the travel and drinking kills me, but I'm like, I'm still going to have a good time in here. You'll get creative. Like when you need a fork, a lot of things can be a fork.

My hands. I use God's fork. Hey, man. I turned a hotel ice bucket into a faux bucket. Oh, man. Yeah. In Houston, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Which is funny because I got that kick in Houston. That sounds like slang. David, I understand the impulse not to want to eat in front of another person. That makes sense when they're bringing you something as a stranger. How good would something have to look if they were just like, I'll give it to you, but you have to eat it right now? I don't know.

Here's one thing people were bringing up to me, which cause I'm not paranoid about shit like that. But a lot of people have been like, you're just going to eat strangers food. And I was like, I mean, me and the owners. Yeah.

What are they going to do? You should give it to the MC first. Be like, you got to test it. No, I trust the people at subway, but my own fans, I wouldn't trust them.

I won't eat any spaghetti for magic purposes, though. You guys haven't heard of that? I know you don't like spaghetti just in general because it's like broke food. There's like a myth that women, they'll put like stuff in the spaghetti to get you. A little midsummer. Yeah, putting it in your food. Anyways, come see. A little pubenesca.

Sean's face could not be any blanker. Take it, Lenny. You're talking about puke? No, no. Like a lunch. Oh, a little marinara. I got to go. Bye, guys.

He said a little marinara. Okay, let me rattle these off real fast. August 30th, Birmingham. August 31st, Asheville, North Carolina. September 6th, Philly. September 7th, Chattanooga. September 10th, Raleigh. September 12th, Austin.

September 29th, Indianapolis. October 1st, Morgantown, West Virginia. October 5th, Columbus, Ohio. October 12th, Springfield, Missouri. October 13th and 14th, St. Louis, Missouri. October 21st, New York City, October 22nd, Worcester, Mass, October 26th, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, never heard of it, October 27th and 28th, Minneapolis, Minnesota, but really the first leg I'm really kind of trying

to push, so Birmingham, Asheville, you know, come out out philly's doing good chattanooga come out come come see me my stand-up is it's it's it's good i'm i'm in performing shape right now so i'm very funny uh and if not you know fuck you you know you already paid what are you gonna do sue me i wasn't funny that's how you know this stand up is good Yeah If you don't think this is funny go fuck yourself You're fucking wrong idiot Now I bop sometimes Happens to the best of us

That man that it happens to the best of Friend of the podcast Joining us today From the 10,000 lake state Everybody It's Mr. Zach Tiscani On Twitter and Instagram friend of the podcast, joining us today from the 10,000 Lake State. Everybody, it's Mr. Zach Toscani. Zach Toscani on Twitter and Instagram. Am I right?

Twitter is Zach underscore Toscani. I got kicked off. Because you got booted, right? You're putting up pictures of your butt? Too many. Can't show a hole on Maine. Some of those rock hard butt pictures on Maine on Twitter. Where can the people find you, my friend? Where'd they find you in that rock hard little butt of yours? Alright, well, I got some

plugs. Some public shows. So this Friday, tomorrow. Some public shows. That sounds sick. Yeah, right? Oh, yeah, I guess because you're a private guy. You're Mr. Private. Yeah. Hey, I only come out. I'm a recluse. You only get to see me a few times. I'm going to hit y'all with some public shows real quick. This is

where people can find me. Tomorrow, Cincinnati, Ohio. I'm at Motor Pub. Sunday, August 27th, Cleveland, Ohio. I'm at Dunlap's Corner. Friday, September 1st, Ann Arbor, Michigan. Sunday, October 1st, Ottawa at the Laugh Lounge. Tuesday, October 3rd at Montreal

at the Diving Bell Social Club. Wednesday, October 4th at Hot Wic Canada. I have no idea where that is. Sounds different than the social club. You're going from the social club to Hot Wic? I'm going to dip my wick. Friday, October 27th, Asheville, North Carolina. Saturday, October 28th, Raleigh, North Carolina.

What? Wednesday, November 8th, Birmingham, Alabama. What? I'm following you, dude. You guys are getting pretty incestuous. I'm on you, dude. Friday, November 10th, Atlanta, Georgia. That's a house show, but guess what?

It's open to the public. It's going to be a blast. Who's that? Metro, Atlanta. That's a house show, but guess what? It's open to the public. It's going to be a blast. Who's that? Metro. Atlanta. And by the way, when the guy sent me the poster, he put my name as Dan Toscani. Yo!

So that's how you know. I bet you Dan Toscani sucks, dude. Yeah, for sure. I think he sucks and fucks for money. Oh, absolutely. I've never met a Dan Toscani I don't like. Saturday, November 18th, New Orleans at Sports Drink. And as always, I'm doing my house shows.

If you're in the Midwest, the Northeast, the Southeast, the down South, hit me up. I'd love to perform at your house. Hell yeah. And I neglected to ask, how are you, my friend? Doing good? I'm bad. No, I'm good, man. Yeah, we went to Mall of America.

We had some Juicy Lucy's. You know, I was all gassed up. That was a fun weekend with you. Dan Toscani loves a Juicy Lucy. You can find Dan Toscani at whatever casino is closest to where you're at. He's never been to Minnesota. At least nothing he can say. He got a DUI

for his Juicy Lucy intake. Dan Toscani tries to haggle at Subway. No, no, no. I think I'll be paying all the pay. I'm going to say $4.99. Let's just call it $5 and be even. That other slight little giggle that you hear,

a man with a big head like myself i can't remember if we were doing that on or off air but shocker and i a couple big heads uh another friend of the podcast so stoked to have both of you on everybody it is shocker simon how you living man hey hey what's going on living the dream is a thing that people like zach and myself from the west say because you wouldn't know because south dakota not the Midwest. Yeah, it's sort of like it's an autonomous bad region. You don't want to spend the rest of the time doing this, do you?

You really want to do this? I was ready to leave after the marinara thing. Because people call Ohio the Midwest, which if you did this line straight down the middle of the country, Ohio is to the east of that. You tell me how that's the Midwest. Everything is to the east or west of that line.

Right in the middle western part of that, you will find the state of South Dakota. The Midwest. I digress. Shocker, please point the people towards anything that you're doing. How can they get to know more about what's happening in Shocker's world? If you really, really hate yourself and are really bored and have

no other... You've seen every TV show and every movie and listened to every song and every episode of this podcast because it's the only podcast, obviously. Yeah, it's the only one. Then you can go to at shockersamon on Twitter or Instagram where I say silly things and post pictures of dogs. Do it. I did the

intro. I'm sorry. I should have said at shockersamon on Instagram and Twitter. I did it wrong. I'm sorry. Cross-platforms, baby. You're doing okay. Are you on Add Shocker Simone on Instagram and Twitter. I did it wrong. I'm sorry. Cross platforms, baby. You're doing okay. Are you on Threads? Are you on Blue Sky? What are you on? I'm on all of those. I think he's a Rumble guy. Oh, yeah. Is that like a single guy thing? Why don't I know about Blue Sky?

I'll get you an invite. I have an invite to Blue Sky. It's like Twitter if it was worse. Yeah, I went on it once and then I just... I'm already bad at Blue Sky. Or Twitter. Yeah, none of them are good. Instagram bad at blue sky or Twitter. Yeah. None of them are good. Yeah.

Instagram's fun. I have fun on Instagram. Yeah. It's cause you're watching fights all day. You know what? So Shane, that's actually most of what Twitter is. It's just word fights.

Shane's daughter told him Facebook's coming back, that the kids are like getting back on Facebook. She's 12. Because you know Because they see someone so relatable like Mark Zuckerberg, and they want to walk in his image. Nostalgia is going so fast now where nostalgia is like,

what just got over? Drake's dressing like me in seventh grade. It's all confusing. It is nuts to see these kids man of the park. Anyway, well, yeah. Thank you for being here, Shocker. St here Shocker Stokeman yeah man I want to give a shout out to Zach's house show Zach performed

for my parents once really I did under duress under physical I was well because your sweet mother and Jason Momoa your sweet mother is an amazing dentist and she did some work on me. So I didn't get to eat.

I hadn't eaten all day. And then I had to go do the show. And I just was like throwing up in the bathroom. But I knew like once I'll get on stage, I'll be fine. And then they're like, you know, the mayor's here. And I was like, what? This is the show the mayor comes to? And I just asked them all for money.

We were working together in Boise one time, and Zach went and Ralphed in the bathroom a bunch before his set, and he had to dip. The bartender came up and did his set. The club manager, like, walked out of a stall and watched me puke into a urinal, and he's like, uh, so probably not going to go up tonight. And to their credit, they paid me.

They still paid me for that night. Oh, that's sweet of them. That's really nice. It was just, who knows? It wasn't anything. Performing sick is like, it's the one thing that you just, it never works out well. No. Because even if you, like, I know that once I get on stage, I'll be fine.

Like that stage sobriety. But you know, that crash is going to be so hard afterwards. And that's what happened in Port Huron. I went back to the hotel room and I had my only lucid dream of my entire life that night. Whoa. Really? Yeah. That sounds buck.

Was it at least fun? Did you fight a rhinoceros or something? No, it was not fun. It was intense. I saw me looking at me and I was like, who are you? And I was like, I'm you. And then I was like, what do you want? And he was like, why don't you take better care of me?

I remember you telling me about that. Yes. That is terrifying. Yeah. Man, yeah. This was like not that long ago, right? Yeah, it was last year, like in the fall, maybe. Yeah.

I don't remember you telling me that because I thought about it for a while. Yeah, it was intense. It's deep. I think I'm a different person now. Yeah, we all just end the podcast. That's it, I guess. We all got to go get some tacos or something. God.

What I was going to say was we all had great meals together. I had great meals with each one of you like within the last month, I'd say, or month and a half. Like all over different places too, right? Yeah, yeah. Me and David in Denver, you and I in Minneapolis, and Shocker and I in LA. I finally went to that taco spot

outside of the Target. They have a pataco. So it's a baked potato that they cut in the middle and then put all the taco inside of that. It was amazing. I thought it was made out of different stuff, but I get what you're saying. side of that. It was amazing.

I thought it was made out of different stuff, but I get what you're saying. That's another thing David won't eat after a show. Spaghetti and pitaco. Well, I'm a generous lover. I like the pitaco. I am Sean Jordan. That's Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. First of all, thanks to everybody who came out to Minneapolis. It was fantastic. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tomorrow, I'll be in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Holler at your boy. Boss's Comedy Club. Come on out. September 6th at the Capitol Hill Comedy Bar in Seattle. So come on out to that. There was one time I went out and zero people showed up. Don't let that happen. And

what? September 21st, 22nd, 23rd, I think we'll be at the High Plains Comedy Festival two live AFEs and I believe a curated stand-up show like that we get to pick so it'll be it'll be dank and then I have my I'm recording my special October 29th in Portland cops tickets for that if you feel so inclined I'll be in Vancouver November 30th through December 2nd with a one Ian Carmel and then he will be in... I'll get this right. He's going to be in Austin December 8th and 9th.

So go check him out there. He could not be with us as his wife, his betrothed Dana Schwartz, got back from Jolly Old today. So they're having themselves a day. And we are doing this sans Stephen Cartwheel. Now we're not only here to talk about why the fuck Ian isn't here, but to draft

Lies Parents Tell Their Children, which is pretty sick. Can I say this? While I was making my list, I realized my mom really didn't lie to me very much. Well, I was... Probably to my detriment.

It is funny. you're like, I don't know, she just told me everything. Yeah, I always knew what was going on. Now, did she not lie to you very much or was she so good at lying that you still believe what she was telling you? I mean, if they were lies, they were very practical.

It was like very reasonable lies. Well, I got to thank Tyler Wicks on Patreon. We put it out to the patrons today. Didn't have time to make a poll, but thank you for all the suggestions. There were like 250, by the way, so thank you. We keep track of all of them. We'll make a poll coming up, but this one,

we just kind of had to eyeball it, and this one popped out as just fun and ridiculous. So, yeah, thank you for that. Now, before we get to the draft, we need to determine the order of the draft. As you know, it is a serpentine draft. Now, what the freaking heck is that? Wait a second.

Do we do rock, paper, scissors first? Well, I'll tell you what. Hey, this is your car. We can drive any way you want to do it. Dad's not home. It's a serpentine draft. Now, Shocker, could you please explain to everybody what a serpentine draft is?

Oh, my God. Okay. Quarterback, baby. It's like I was taking one of my dogs out for a walk earlier, and we got to a patch of grass, and she's sniffing over to one side, doesn't want to use the bathroom there, so she turns back the other way,

stops there, still doesn't want to. She's got, so she turns back the other way. Stops there. Still doesn't want to. She's got to go back to the first side and back and forth. You know, like a snake slithers. There we go. Sounds like me in the Austin airport. That sounds like Zach trying to pick out which cheese curd he was going to eat first when we got our Juicy Lucy.

Just touching all of them. Good curds, baby. Basically, what it means is if you go fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, I did screw up the order because I should know already, but I don't know. So the order will be determined by a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you.

We go on shoot. Everybody ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, we got a three-way natural. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Three-way natural. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Three-way natural. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, shocker.

An unnatural scissor over two rocks victory. Shocker. You are to determine the order of the draft. We already established what a surf-a-teen draft means. So go ahead and hit me with that order play, boy. What do you got? So there's only one pick that I think I have at risk

of anyone else taking. So I'm going to go off the top. I'm going to go David Zach Sean. Hot corner! I don't know what Sean's doing. I think he's writing it down. I'm just writing down everyone's names. I can't. I don't know how the

fuck Ian does this. You better get to get a mic holder, dog. Yeah, Laura. Make both mics. Isn't he not old enough yet? She's got to be in bed by now. Oh yeah, make her hold it. When's that investment going to start paying off? Give her a job.

I told her about the yard work. The ongoing yard work joke. Whenever I'm doing this, you're like, she's got to be doing some yard work. You both got to be working, right? Anyway, all right. So let me make sure

I got it right. Shocker first, David second, Zach third, and me fourth, hot corner. All right, Shocker, you are on the clock. We will get to that first pick right after this short

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I just can't do it the right way. I don't know. He said it, man. I don't have a voice. It's not good. No one's going to laugh. Can I hear that? We're laughing pretty hard.

30% more energy. And we're back. I don't understand why it didn't work, but it did work. I guess I can do it like Batman. And we're back. Now do it like a little cartoon mouse. Batman. And we're back. Now do it like a little cartoon mouse. Go.

And we're back. Didn't even pick up. I didn't even hear it. When I do the Batman voice, I feel my jowls move. And that's one of the only time I could feel my jowls move. They get real.

Anyway, Shocker, what do you got? Anyway, Shocker, let's get into it. Anyway, Shocker, what do you got? Anyway, Shocker, let's get into it. Anyway, Shocker, go, go, go, go. You got the clock, dude. Fucking go, man. Almost all of mine are going to be hyper-specific to my childhood. This one, I think, might have been used by other people, and so I'm going to take it off the top.

My parents have often told me that when I was a little kid, I was really good at lying. When my sister lied, they'd know right away. When I lied, it was like a 50-50 call on whether or not they could suss me out. You went into entertainment. Interesting. I know, right? What a trait that none of us have. I went into journalism.

I went into journalism. No, so they got fed up with it. And they told me that when I lied, I must have been like three, four or five years old. When I lied, they could, I better not lie. Because if I did, they would be able to read the lie on my forehead. And so often I would come to them with a lie. And I would just smack my palm over my forehead thinking, well, they can't see it so they can't read it so they have no idea. Somebody snuck in and peed

in my bed last night. Apparently there were times where I'd run in and as I was talking, I would rub my forehead thinking I could rub it off. You're like a stockbroker. That's hilarious. I would stare at the ground being like, oh, well, they can't see my forehead,

so they won't be able to know. I think the birthday cake ran away. I think it honestly ran away. I couldn't tell you what happened to those jelly beans. Maybe that guy that pissed in my bed took them. That seems like you you're so stressed out just a five year old just being like

no no no it's okay I don't know what happened to the cookies do you remember like so my nephew is eight or nine right now and they're like testing out Lion do you remember like some early stuff you lied about like I stole a grip of baseball cards one time when I was about six and I walked out lying. Do you remember like some early stuff you lied about?

I stole a grip of baseball cards one time when I was about six. And I walked out of the grocery store with like my hands clenched over my jacket. Like clearly I'd stolen something. And my stepdad tried to like rip my arms open. But then he could tell he was being too strong. And like it was going to be weird. So he just stopped. He's like, all right, whatever. And just let me have him stolen. But I was like, no, I didn't

steal anything. I remember trying to lie about shit as a kid, but also like, it was just me and my mom in our apartment. So there would be times where she was like, I didn't break this. Right. Process of elimination.

Dog, it's just us in here. Yeah. You're just like, you're going to make me say it? You're going to make me say it. Same thing with my dad. He had like a jade turtle or something. And I don't know how, but I broke the neck and I super glued it back. And it was like, he walked in and it was just like, he was like, what's wrong with the turtle? He'll never notice.

You never look at that. You have never looked at that. How did you know? My jade turtle, bro. Someone fucked up my turtle, man. I told you guys, I think I broke the toilet handle at my buddy's house one time

and I came out back to dinner and his parents go in the bathroom and they're like, so who broke that? And nobody said anything. And they're like, so you're both grounded until someone tells us.

And my friends were looking at each other like, what the fuck? Who broke it? And I was like, I did it. And they go, oh, that's cool. And then it's just like, you're just so scared to admit stuff when you're a kid.

You don't know how to just fix it. There's also that little bit of immunity you have at someone else's house. True. You don't do anything. Yeah, you're like, beat me up. Good luck. I'll break all this shit in here.

They beat you up you call that an ass whooping? yeah my mom's coming to get me at 3 it's your problem after that I'll just take the rest of that poop at my house I don't need a toilet to flush I like that one putting your hand over your forehead

because you thought they were going to be able to read the lie on your forehead. Man, I wish we didn't lose that sense of thinking that that shit could happen. If you could still convince an adult about that. It would make everything a lot easier. You could read it. Boy, that'd be so buck.

Anyway, great first pick. David, what do you got? So this is like a lie within a lie But I don't need the secondary part Yeah, lyception Lyception, dude I'm sorry, it's been a long day I'm picking

The Naughty or Nice list From Santa Claus Because that's like I wasn't a Santa Claus kid But you knew some kids. The idea that somebody's always watching you is awful. It's awful. You're like,

I poop all the time. It's watching you all the time. I don't think it's the right incentive to be good, right? Yeah, you should want to be good for goodness sake. Yeah, for gold. You should just want to be good because

nobody's watching you. Like if no one's watching you and you're good, then you're really good. That's when you're supposed to dance, right? That would be nuts if your parents were like, nobody's watching you. No one fucking knows. Nobody cares, dude.

The only reason we got you a phone is so we can call you sometimes and be like, we ain't paying attention. I only have two eyes, and I'm tired as shit. You think it's easy to watch you after I work all night? Go to bed. Doors unlocked. I wish fucking Satan existed.

You can sneak out tonight. I would not know. That's like the first time that somebody just tells you like, yeah, sure, you can touch my boobs. You're like, whoa, now I don't want to. This is crazy. It's terrifying. That's not how that went for me. No, no, no.

I was over the age of 13, so it's maybe a little different for me. Yeah, that didn't happen that I didn't immediately go to like sixth grade English. I was younger. Yeah, I knew algebra. I was ready to go. I didn't.

I know you didn't. You psycho. It's crazy when you put it like that. I didn't know algebra. I mean, if you look at skills that you used in your life going forward. I used algebra for a while and I do have a daughter. True. Yeah, you touched a lot more boobs than you did in algebra problems.

Than you did in equations. You know how to balance them. Holy buckets. We're off to the races, gentlemen. Yeah, it's happening. I'm ready to solve for X. I'm ready to solve for sex. I was a Santa kid.

I really was. I have memories of, I swear on a stack of Bibles that I saw, I still remember seeing the sleigh and all the shit in the moon one night on Christmas Eve. I'll

remember it forever. Didn't the apartment part weird you out? Because that was always where I got out. Where it's like, where? They're just coming in through the... It's not magical when you're like coming in the front door. Or it broke into the back. I'm a fireplace in here.

You know those apartment doors where they're just made out of flame retardant stuff and it's like it's like a metal gnarly ass door. It's not like a fun inviting door with deadbolts and all that stuff. And you're like, so he's just coming in through there, huh? Oh, he's going to come through the electronic fireplace.

Yeah, it's like... And then it's like, I also was like the numbers and I was like, he's going to gonna do there's a lot of kids in this apartment yeah I know a lot of bad kids too I didn't think it was gonna stop in my apartment for shit the worst kids I've ever known we're just getting beat into a gang at the play center

it's like yeah Santa's just gonna miss this spot I knew I think I found out that Santa wasn't real because the one year I was like at Christmas with my dad, he was just like, you know, you just mumble obscenities a lot. So you'd be like, fucking shit. And he's like stumbling around in the dark.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You heard him. Ah, god damn it. Dad, Santa must be in a bad mood. He must have found himself on the naughty list. He hates those cookies yeah the naughty or nice list obviously insane and creepy

I feel ya Zach number one what do you got well this one was it was an interesting draft for me because much like David my mom never really like out lied to me and then my dad definitely did but those aren't really fun draft picks you know me because much like David, my mom never really like out lied to me. And then my dad definitely did, but those aren't really fun draft picks. You know, I was like, some of these are pretty heavy.

I was like, I don't want to go too bad, but I will say my mom was like a real big pushover. So you just knew time and pressure you could get anything. So the lie she would always tell me is I'm not going to buy you that. And then slowly over the course of the hour in the store, it's like you wear them down. You just wear them down. So that was a lie she told me often. I'm not going to buy you that. I'm not going to get that.

You're not getting that. I just, Zach and I were talking about this in Minneapolis, but a buddy of mine, he does not like to be aired out, so I shan't, but a friend of mine one time, he needed something and his mom, she was like, we're not going to buy aired out, so I shan't. But a friend of mine one time, he needed something and his mom, she was like, we're not going to buy it. And he just, he looked at her, the audacity he looked right at her and he goes, we both know you're

going to buy it for me. So let's just skip all this. Let's skip all this and let's go get it. I was just like, holy fuck it. And then she did. That was the crazy thing where I was like, oh, the power. Yeah. Yes, David. Yes, absolutely right.

I knew who it was. I knew exactly who it was. We were, I'm talking, we were like, we probably 13. I was just like, dude. I wouldn't A, have the balls for that. And then if I had that power, that would have corrupted me. Oh, yeah. What can a kid do with all this power?

It's not good. Now, the finesse aspect of it makes it a little more charming, I guess, when I'm not going to buy you that. I'd make a lot of empty promises. I'll keep my room clean forever. I'll start focusing in school. I'll completely turn around my personality. Yeah.

You know what's crazy and aspect too of a kid is like, willing to risk it all for some shit you were going to get sick of playing with in a month. Exactly. Like you were ready to, you were like, I'll do whatever you want. And then it's just like, the toy breaks a week later.

My dad has like a, it's funny that he kept it, but he has a drawer filled with like handwritten notes from when I was like seven being like, I promise I will read every book

that I'm supposed to read for this class by this day if I can get this Game Boy game, right? And it's like, well,

you put it in writing. Yeah. And I obviously wouldn't, I wouldn't fulfill that. Like, come on. What do we, but he was like negotiating with a terrorist. I was just going to come back with the same thing every time.

You're like, you think this means anything to me? Just whipping in front of him. Then when you have to follow through on those, I remember I'd make those whack Christmas presents from a coupon book from my mom or whatever and be like, whatever, I'll shovel the... Whatever you snap your fingers,

then she'd be like, go shovel. It's like... What are you talking about? Saved by the Bell is on. I can't hear you. Just pretend to be deaf. I don't think you've finished preparing my breakfast for the bathtub yet, Mom.

I'll take beefist in the tub, please. I'd like an omelet. Five eggs today. Did you guys ever try the very clearly not asleep, but pretending to be asleep and hoping your parents won't call you out on it move?

Yeah. When you wanted to avoid something? I would do it for like not wanting to go to bed. Yeah. Which is a psycho move. Like, you know,

cause you had like the TV shows that were on later. Yeah. And then I kind of just like sleep so I could hear it. And then she'd be like, wait, go to bed. And it's like, well,

I hustle in backwards for sure. Yeah. I'm not going to buy you that. Fantastic. That's a good one. now I'm up with back to back picks the first pick and this is a Kelly Jordan classic bless her heart but it couldn't have been more of a

lie where every sport that I tried she would watch she'd come to the games and stuff and no matter what she'd always tell me like oh my god you're so good at basketball you're so good at basketball. You're so good at football. That's adorable. That's very sweet.

I couldn't have been worse at the, so I'm talking, I'll say football and basketball. I look back now and I'm just like, dude, I was on the D team for both, like far end of the D team. I don't know what that is.

Yeah. I remember she'd come to games and stuff. One of my games, I came running off the field because I had a drop of blood on my finger. She's like, oh my god, you're so good. You are so good at football. None of the other kids on the team would agree with you, mother. The D team

had to play their games at like 10pm after every other team got to play. games at like 10pm after every other team got to play. We had to take a bus, but it was the city bus. We had to take the city bus across town. It was technically night school. What are you guys doing? Wow, you have to buy your own equipment. I mean, it was like that, dude.

I remember basketball. Obviously, all the starters got to pick the uniforms first, and it was just like a box of uniforms. So they'd all go get the biggest shit. Like my jersey and my shorts, I seriously like Larry Bird. They came so high.

So high up. And my jersey was like skin tight and I had long hair past my nose so I just like tried to brush my hair back. I didn't know how to dribble. I remember going up for a layup and just throwing it at the backboard one time. You didn't know how to dribble,

though. I did, but not under the pressure. I could not handle the pressure of games. The one play I got the ball handed to me in football, they were like, don't look at the hole, and I was focused on the hole, and I got smoked like a bag of cools. I mean, like, laid out. And I bet you came to the sideline, and she was still like, hole and I got smoked like a pack of cools. I mean like laid out.

And I bet you came to the sideline and she was still like you were so good on that play. Yeah, lying to me dude. That's beautiful though because then she's like then it's like you're safe with her. You know what I mean? She's going to hold you down at least. Yeah, I don't resent her for it but holy buckets

was it a lie? Did she tell you you were so good at the splits too? Maybe she didn't know it was a lie though. Maybe she was so like, she watched like a lot of football. She might've been like, hey, you know. I do the same thing. He didn't cry when he got tackled. He's great at this. I cried a few times.

I got knocked out. I just told you this. I got knocked out and I woke up scream crying. And my coach was like, he's holding my belt up above my waist. And I just woke up. I was like,

I was screaming. And he's like, he goes, Flieger knocked you out. It was an open field. I wish Instagram would have been around because somebody would have

put it on Instagram. I just got. Oh, man. You were like the punter in that All-Star game when Sean Taylor just destroyed him. Yeah. Like 12-year-old gets knocked into Thanos' universe or something. Did she tell you you were so good at skateboarding, though? She never had to because I knew I was good at that.

It wasn't like a thing she would watch. It wasn't like a sport. Taekwondo was one of them. She would tell me I was good at that, and I was. Yeah, you got a black belt. Second degree playboy. She's a supportive mom. She is a supportive mom. I'm just saying.

That was a big-ass lie. And the second one, this happened to me straight up, and I know this happens. I feel like this happens to other kids too, but I remember it. We had 13 cats at one point, and for a minute there we did live in a house. So when we got the house we had to

take all the cats to a farm and just give them to someone and she told me that old they're just going to watch the cats for a few weeks and we're going to come back and get them. I was just crying so hard. Mine was Cupcake. That was the one cat that I got to name. We just gave Cupcake to this dude

and I was just bawling. And she goes, he's just for a couple weeks. And then obviously, we never got Cupcake back. You're so good at football, Sean. You're so good. Just focus on the football.

Yeah, Cupcake's going to go to camp to get as good at football as you are. I'm just like, really? Is Cupcake going to be good? Is he going to be a defensive end for no reason too? Like me? Because they can't put me anywhere important,

but they have to put me somewhere, even though defensive end is still important. That's one of those lines that I completely understand too. Could you imagine these kids like crying? What the fuck else are you supposed to tell them yeah deal with it

get used to it don't worry you're going to get laid next week these are all going to turn around oh god yeah how close were those events that was how we rebounded too close it's crazy when you put in perspective like that

because it's like four years. Wow. Oh, that's disgusting. I need to take a shower. It is crazy to think about. I made my first million dollars by the time I was 12 years old.

So yeah, just tell them we're going to drop the pets off at the farm and then never going back to get them. Zach, back on you as Tiz, the serpentine. Well, I was going to say, yours is a little twist because usually it's like, oh, we dropped them off at a farm. It meant the animal was dead.

They're going to go murk them. Yeah, I just don't see why. I hope she wasn't taking them to like the little kitty assassin or something. I hope they at least got to live out their days. It was just some dude who likes to kill cats on the edge of town. What are you doing? I'll take your cupcake.

If they're going to stay at the farm, why are we not at a farm? We're just giving them the dude and his hatchback. This is the kill house. Is that right? Yeah, they're going to be kilty cats instead of kitty cats. You said that, not me.

These views do not reflect the... You guys got me out here thinking I'm good at sports. I'm the beliefs of Zach Toscani LLC. I'm untouchable. So for my second pick, I'm going to take You'll Understand When You're Older.

Because I will say it's not always a lie, but the times it is a lie, like the amount of times I'm like I'm your age when you said this to me and it makes less sense now. It's crazy thinking about being the same age

that like my mom, I was probably 17 by the time she was the age that I am now. I was 16. That's crazy to think about that I could impossible with my knowledge right now trying to navigate a kid through high school

and I'm like proper parent age. It's still thinking about like, no, I don't know shit, man. I have no idea what to tell you. If a 15 year old boy lived in this apartment with me, I would kill it. I would kill him. I would kill that boy.

I would kill him. I would kill him dead. You drank all my ass Landex spring water again. You stole some of my wine. I, I don't think I could say, do as I say, not as I do, more than if I lived with a 15-year-old boy. I'd be like, don't do anything that I'm doing.

And then I'd have to explain things like, yeah, I have these remote control boats, but they're not for you. These are toys for children, but not for you. And you work hard, you get to race the boats. These are dad's collectibles. When you work hard, you get to race the boats.

I imagine this kid just staring at the boats all day. And you're like, that looks a little dirty in here. Every time he wants to quit, he just imagines one of them. You just run your finger across the top of the fridge and there's dust. You're like, well, there goes a boat race, I guess. I make him wax them. He's sprinting across a lake, and then as he's done,

he's taking a breath, and he just sees a little boat with a sign that says, not good enough yet. He zips away. Yeah. That's not going to work in the combine. No boat race, bud. Race the boat straight up. up yeah I'm trying to I can't really think of any like you'll understand

when you're older I will say for me it was a lot of my dad saying that he would just make some batshit insane decision and then I'd be like why and he was like you'll understand when you get older and I'm 38 now and I'm like, yeah, it makes less sense now.

Not to make it dark or whatever, but sometimes he would call. You remember taking the phone off the hook? You know, when somebody would call so much, you'd have to take the phone off the hook. He would call 40 times, right in a row. Just bang, bang. My mom would just hang it up and she'd have to take the phone off the hook and then I'd ask him like,

what were you doing? It's like Notre Dame's playing. Lou Holtz is on TV. Just wanted to make sure your mom had him up. With no other guys over there. Yeah, he hit me with that like you'll get it when you're my age, bud. No, you were a lunatic, dude.

He called someone 40 times. Yeah, treating people around lunatic, dude. He called someone 40 times. Yeah. Treating people around you closely very badly. I'll understand that when I get older. I don't think so, actually. I hope not. Yeah, no, that's great. David, what do you got?

Number two. Number two, let's go with... Oh, this is an easy one. I got the base ones, but I feel like they're big talent. Tooth Fairy. Oh, yeah. What a crazy.

It's the craziest one. For what? And it survives. Like, kids are still doing that now. I just don't understand what the point is. Like, you were going to lose those teeth. You know what I mean? It's not like, hey, wash the dishes and I'll give you five bucks.

You were going to. They were going to go. So I remember putting my tooth under the pillow. I remember doing that. And now having a kid, it's like, I can't, I don't know how you go in there and take the tooth and get it without them being like, you're not the tooth fairy. You got to put it under your head though. It's got to be on the periphery of the pillow. That's that shit where you're like, okay.

You're just setting yourself up for failure. We had like a my sister and I, there was like a heart-shaped white pillow that had a little pouch sewn into the front. It had like a hook on it and we'd hang it on the front of the door. See?

Your parents are smart. That's great. They didn't even have to open the door. They just lifted it. The tooth fairy door. They just left the door. They didn't even have to open the door. Just lifted it. The tooth fairy gave us this when you were born. Wow.

And the other thing too is my logic, my trying to understand it was always like, I thought it was less about like, you know how the naughty and nice list is like, you have to be good to get this. I thought it was more like, hey, it's scary that this thing that is like literally falling out of your face.

And we have no way to explain that to you because you are four. And you don't understand basic shit because you're a dead shit. But you know what we do? We make kids understand those greenbacks real quick. Absolutely. Cash is king. Welcome to capitalism, baby. Sell your body parts for money.

It's teaching kids that if hard times ever fall on them, they can sell their blood. Yeah, your body equals money. It's teaching kids that if hard times ever fall on them, they can sell their blood. Yeah, your body equals money. All those are like little tiny porcelain kidneys. Just get rid of them, sell them for a couple bucks. Look, man, there might not be a legal organ market, but that doesn't mean there's not an organ

market. Also, it's a weird like, kids also grow a lot. What if they were like, alright, let's measure you. Oh, the growing man came to see you. That's right. I also remember it being inconsistent. I feel like sometimes it was a buck. Sometimes it was five bucks.

I think it depended on how we were doing. For a front one, it should be the most. Right? That's like the most embarrassing. You want to price them by value? Yeah, there should be. If they're up front, you know, a little fucking stockbroker over here,

Zach Disconi. That's a good neighborhood, right in the smile. Oh, yeah. That's Park Place. Yeah, I get it. Location, location, location. Did any of y'all ever do the, like,

those horror stories about, like, your war-torn grandpa being like, we're going to tie it to a door and slam it. Did you ever do any of that? I heard people say stuff like that. I never did that. I got caught trying that.

You trying to save up some dough? I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't doing anything. My hand over my forehead. What are you talking about? It's not my tooth. My mom is a dentist. I'm trying to wiggle it and she was just like,

just keep wiggling. Maybe it'll fall out. Maybe this, maybe that. I'm like trying to wiggle it and she was just like, you know, just keep wiggling. Maybe it'll fall out. Maybe this, maybe that. And I got really fed up with one. I think it was one of the front ones and I was just like pissed about it. And I like got a little piece of like floss and she was like, what are you doing? I was like, nothing. And I just walked away.

You're like, how much is 10 pieces of floss? You see me like literally just like pulling so much like floss out of the little like square. She's like, what are you doing? I think about that so often. My mom would catch me doing shit. And like, she was like, what a little weirdo. Yeah.

You're always like, I'm doing my experiments. Yeah. I just like running out of breath. Like I need eight carrots and some glue. She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? The amount of times I tried to do the science of bringing back flavor to gum.

Like dipping it in, I feel like dipping it in sugar. Maybe if I just leave it in this juice for seven hours, it'll kind of retain. I was like Frankenstein, but with candy. I don't know why they don't have ecto-cooler gum. You just have some ecto-cooler and some chewed up gum.

Make it. Would you like some gum water? It's been simmering for hours. I tried to make nunchucks out of every... I'd get like a shoelace and like some cut up two by fours and some duct tape. What? And I'd just be flinging them around like nunchucks in my mind. Two by fours?

Yeah, dude. tape and I'd just be flinging them around like nunchucks in my mind. Two by fours? The worst kind of prison beat your ass. Duct tape two by fours you could possibly have. That's a huge part of childhood was figuring out what weapons like you take the handle off of the mop and you're like, oh, big stick. Everything was opposed to that.

Which is so funny too because I never need weapons now I feel like I thought I was training For some future where I was on I remember being a kid thinking When I have my own house I'm going to have all kinds of weapons It's going to be weapons and snakes all over the place

What's wild is there are people Who actually live that life There are guys who made good on that. They don't have a lot of women in their lives. Also, that's Sean if he never met Laura. Let's be clear. Bro, so my mom's boyfriend broke in when I was pretty little and that got to me.

So I was making weapons properly into my teen years. It was weird. Self-defense. That's when you could have got weapons. Yeah, I mean, I had a butterfly knife, but I was still picking up sticks. In a pinch, this will get me there. If I can't get my hands on my butterfly knife,

I guess I'll kill him with this then. I'll just go beat him to death with this stick. It's a shoelace with two Granny Smith apples on the end. But then right next to some real brass knuckles, you're like, those are two pretty different choices. I had so many knives

and then they all disappeared and my mom was like, I don't know where they went. There you go. I'm like, smart move. Yeah, no, I had a similar situation. That happened to my stepdad in his 20s. This is a lie my mom told

her husband, but he moved and he had a 22 and we just got to the new crib and she's like I don't know I don't know where it went and I'm like

you got rid of it we're all grownups I know what happened to it she just left it outside it's registered to him she's like problem solved you better not

I just lost it it's a gun anyway yeah yeah I gave it to a man. Some dude down the street. Anyway, shocker. Time for your second and third picks as tis.

Serpentine Draft. I am going to go with what I think is my favorite lie. I can remember my parents ever telling me. So my dad, until I was tall enough and old enough to really call him out on it, told me he was six foot tall. Hilarious!

My dad is... I was like 14. I was like five foot nine. And I was like, you're not six foot tall. We're the same height. That's hilarious. That is crazy. I'm just about 5'11 right like if I slouch

I'm 5'10 and a half I stand up straight at 5'11 and I talk to him now and I'm like you told us you were 6'9 like I'm yeah you're a kid

you wanna I'm 4'7 now wow like how tall are you he's like I'm 6' tall I was like great awesome maybe I'll be 6' tall like you one day

no you're 5'9 those lies that there's no way out of are so that's like crazy like you kept asking him year after you're like you're six foot tall right and he's like yeah like each year he gets a little like yeah I'm negative six feet tall

it's different than actual six feet tall I actually shrank I'm genuinely curious if he actually thought it for sure for a while. Like if you think it, you can be it. Maybe. Yeah, exactly. In my home, I'm six feet tall.

I got bad vision. My buddy, we were at a baseball game and I just couldn't see the scoreboard and he looks at me and he's like, just see better. It does not work like that. No matter how hard you think you can, like no matter, it just doesn't, bro. Man.

So you empathize with women on dating apps, right? You're like, don't lie. Yeah. Are you six feet? I feel like it's that thing where, now I, as a result, you know, I've never, I think there's a lot of dudes who are 5'11 who will write six foot.

Cause they're like, I've never not written think there's a lot of dudes who are 5'11 who will write six foot because they're like, I've never not written 5'11. I'm not six feet tall. I know that because I know my dad is also not six feet tall. I'm also wondering how big of a problem... Are they like, you show up to a woman's house, she gets up the measuring tape like, before I let you in now, we're going to go ahead and confirm. I think a lot

of times they're just saying shit. Yeah. Alright. We're going to go ahead and confirm. I think a lot of times they're just saying shit. Yeah. Like, alright. Oh, you can eyeball the difference between 5'9 to 6'0. I don't think you can. It is crazy when you, because it's that much of it. It's not significant.

No. Like 6 inches you can't fudge, but like 2-3 inches. Your 6-foot-tall father is grounding you. Go to your room. What if you say you're six-foot-three and then you're six-foot? Is that bad? Is it like six-foot where it's like if you're above six, you can just say whatever?

That would be funny if I was just like, yeah, I'm about six-seven. I feel like I'm more like... Off the top of my head, unless I was really paying attention, I couldn't tell you the difference between six-five and six-seven. I'd just be like, both of those men are quite tall. I could definitely tell the difference between six-foot and 6'3. I'd be like, one of you is a normal height and one of you is a larger than normal height. Yeah, 6'2, 6'3

is when it starts to get like, oh, you're really tall. Right. Yeah. I'm in between 6'1 and 6'2. If Kevin Durant is dating someone and they're like, you're 7' tall, he's like, I'm 6'11. Don't. The jump from 6'11 to 7

is much different than the jump from 5'11 to 6'. Because not a lot of people are up there looking at the jump. Like, eye level with it. So they're like, yeah, I don't know. You could be 8 feet tall. Man, dad said he was 6 feet tall. That is a banger. That is a banger.

I love that. Look, I don't think he really lied to us often, but when he did, Six feet tall. That is a banger. I love that. He, look, I don't think he really lied to us often, but when he did, they were just so good. So, I, third pick, I was, you know, probably like elementary school or whatever. His best

friend in the world who lived in Texas, but they'd grown up together in Syria and, you know, they came to visit our place in Michigan and we had a pool and we're all hanging out. And it was around the time of some Olympics, maybe 2002, 2004, something like that. And we're all like, your kids were doing like, oh, judge us. We're going to do tricks as we jump into the pool and give us scores. A little dirty cowboy, I got you.

Yeah. And he and his friend decided that it would be funny if they told us that back in Syria, they were divers and that they qualified for the Olympics so that they were Olympic divers. Nice. And I believed him. My dad is not athletic. This guy's killing it, though. Yeah. He's out there dog paddling. Yeah.

He was smart about it, too, because he it too because he was like no we didn't we didn't medal because he knew the next question would have been like well can I see the medal yeah I won the gold medal at the Olympics he's like no no no I didn't medal but I made the Olympics I was an Olympic we were an Olympic diving pair

you can pull off a lot before the internet yeah that's great we'd always be like well can you show us because we were like so excited and he's like no no I'm retired You can pull off a lot before the internet. Yeah. God, yeah, that's great. We'd always be like, well, can you show us? Because we were so excited. And he's like, no, no, I'm retired. Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, I don't do that anymore. What are you going to do? He's got you stopped. He's got you stopped at everywhere. You can't five-hole that. Look, if the worst thing is that as a six-year-old, I was like, oh my God, my dad's the coolest. Good lie.

Good lie. Homeless lie. We were at a reunion one time. My dad got a little tore up and he told me, because he told us that for years, he could do a gainer. So this is on that diving tip. Oh no. You know what a gainer is? Where you do a backflip while you're going forward? Yeah. So he got a little tore up. The most dangerous backflip.

He goes, I'm going to do it. He went. He tried. It's worse than it sounds. It sounds worse than it is, but he conked his head on the diving board on the way back because, you know, obviously he didn't get knocked out or anything. I was like, you ready to tell me you could never do a gainer yet? He still wouldn't admit it.

Here's what I'll say, though. He did it. He went for it, which is impressive. That's legit. Can you imagine? I'm lying. You got me. Can you imagine? I'm lying. You got me. You got me.

I tried to gain her into a foam pit one time and I landed straight on top of my head. I would have been a mess if that would have been on anything else. Yeah. Telling somebody you could do something that you've never done is such a big swing.

Especially with like a flip. It's like, you thought you were just going to, in the moment. You were going to figure this out? Yeah, I'm pretty athletic, I guess. He like watched it for a couple seconds. He's like, I think I understand the physics. He's up on that diving board like, you know, the humans only use 10%

of their brains. But I'm just so drunk enough, I think I've got 20. I've only used 10% of my diving ability my whole life. I remember watching breakdancers do the windmill for years and years in my mind thinking I can do that. And the first time I tried to do the wind, I really thought that I was going to drop to the ground and be the person who did it first. And I, dude, it looked like I got shot. It was crazy when I tried to do it.

Anyway. Back in Syria, your dad said he was an Olympic qualified diver. Fun sentence to read out loud. I'll tell you that. That country historically that has so much water. David, time for number three.

This is one that I did to my littlest brother when he got to the age to the right age No, my phone doesn't have any games on it Oh Classic That's a really good one

That's perfect Meanwhile I'm playing a home run derby The sound effects are coming out. This is my friend texting me. Home run! Because it used to be like, you'd let him play once, and then he would just take it over.

Like, bro, chill. And then you're like, what if I get a text that, you know what I mean? Like a sensitive text. Luckily, I couldn't read. Oh, perfect. There you go. You show him the phone, and you adult text? Luckily, I couldn't read. Oh, perfect. There you go. You show him the phone. You're like, see, no games.

I can't even... She's not playing games, I'll tell you that. No, this conversation is all business. This is a transaction, my friend. Yeah, yeah. I'm texting the final boss. Do you guys ever have that with kids? Oh, yeah.

Nieces and nephews, once they see that you have a phone, because a new phone is always more interesting than their parents' phone. For sure. They've already been through that. They're like, what do you got? You know what's so funny is you're like, man, because these adults will just give kids their phone sometimes. You're like, if you had any idea what

to look for, you could really get some other stuff out of this. Yeah, I got some stuff bookmarked. I don't need you in there. You don't know where the hidden folder is, do you? Before you give it to them? I'm trying to find this game called Hidden Picks on Uncle Zach's phone. I'm trying to find

Hidden Picks Send to All. That's such a great one that is really good and you know you won't get your phone back for like two hours yeah yeah it's gonna be all sticky or something all drained it's hot it's so hot

I had a cousin who was like I had games but who was like, you know, he liked games. I didn't have, I had games, but I didn't have that many games. And I aired, I showed him my phone, and then he asked me to download different games for him. Already too deep. Yeah. This one's $6.99 per month.

My phone doesn't have any games on it. Oh, that is spot on, my friend. Zach, it is your third pick. Now, before we get to that pick, we are going to take another quick commercial break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you.

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Oh, you just heard Sean do three ads in three minutes. Yeah, dude. And we're back. Some of those are long, my friend. You do some long ad reads. You're welcome, man. In case you weren't hip to what you wanted, go listen back about three minutes. That's what you ad reads. You're welcome, man. In case you weren't hip to what you wanted, go listen back about three minutes. That's what you need to be doing. Now, Zach, what do you got for your third pick, playboy? This is a classic one that my mom said all the time.

You won't be in trouble if you tell the truth. Oh, that was on my list. Classic one. It seems so believable. Did it ever work? Because it worked on me a few times. Oh, yeah. I mean, you get burned the first couple times, and then

it doesn't work anymore. But, yeah, just tell me the truth, and you're like, alright, yeah, I did throw the baseball through the window, and they're like, what? But you said! You promised! It's funny now in hindsight, too, because it's like, once again, they already knew.

Also, the cops do the same shit. Just tell me to have weed, you won't be in trouble. Whatever, snitch. It's so much easier to tell a cop to get bent than it is my mom, though. She got a few out of me where I was like, yeah, well, me and Gary.

Whatever. But yeah, she got a few. Whoa. Whatever that was felt dark. Sean remembered the statute of limitations in South Dakota. I was about to say something crazy. Me and Gil were sucking dog chili dogs outside the tasty freeze.

It was me, Julio, and we were down by the schoolyard. I mean, everybody was down by the schoolyard. Yeah, I remember confessing like I remember mying like... I remember my mom, when she asked me if I thought I was in a gang, and I was like, I just told her the whole story. And she was like, what?

I ended up snitching on multiple friends just because they were in the story. I was like, oh no, I did it. I told on everybody. I did it. You told it immediately. Use full names. I'm in trouble. And then John Marco said, social security number 398.

She's on the phone with moms seconds after. I was like, oh no. Oh no. And then you had to just sit and watch? Dude, I was telling her, I told her where my dickies were hidden. It was like a waterfall. And I got in trouble for all of it. Should you wear a wire

to school? Did you ever get like... Where were your dickies hidden? Where did I have them hidden? Yeah In his underwear Just out in a bush out front Like in the apartments In the bush?

Well, I couldn't wear them I had to wear them I had to like change After I left school You had bush jeans? Yeah, I had bush jeans You kept your clothes in a bush? Only these

Only my dickies And I honestly I'd love to see how... You ever want to go back and be like, you fool. Of course, they probably weren't even hidden. I kept them out there for like a week or something. Mom, this jeans plant is going nuts. It's growing jeans

out here. It's grown so many more pairs of Dickies for me. This is crazy. I keep stealing them from... I mean, getting them from the bush. This is tangential, but I remember one time my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my room. I didn't know if the weed that I had

in there was still in there or if it was just the cigarettes. She's like, if you just tell me, then you're not going to be in trouble. I don't want to tell her about a joint that's not in there. So I just told her about the cigarettes and I never

got any blowback. She smoked that joint. She's like, this one's for KJ. Oh, my back's hurt from my shitty teenager. Sean gets some pretty interesting cigarettes. Yeah, they're European. That's great.

Tell the truth and you won't be in trouble. Yeah. Horse pucky, that one. Oh, man. And it was always like a big one. You know, it was like a big lie. Like, did you steal all those fireworks? Like, yeah.

Of course you're going to be mad. Yeah. If you weren't mad, you wouldn't care. Did you write all this pornography to this day is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard of a childhood who did I watch you tell that to Reese we import whatever

I just saw you I cannot think of it or maybe somebody told it maybe we told it to somebody who knows you and they were like what it's the funniest shit ever man it's bad. I cannot believe it's true. It's so awesome. Especially now knowing your mom, too. It's so funny.

Your mom's so chill. She just must have been like, what the hell is that? Jesus Christ. Your mom is so cool. We own a mellow restaurant. You're in here writing sex manifestos. My best friend, Erica.

You were going to kiss her butt? You weren't even going to do fun stuff? And butt is spelled wrong? Yeah, exactly. I wasn't Sean Jordan, so I didn't have intimate knowledge of how it all worked. I didn't have any knowledge of how it worked, I'll tell you that. Knowledge of what I thought. I thought it was all like rose petals had to be

involved, you know, sultry music. That's way weirder than it was like hella romantic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing things that people when married 30 years don't do. No, why would you do rose petals? I'd take Jennifer out on a date to the restaurant.

Guess what? Melissa's already there. And they're stoked. Yeah, I love it. Tell the truth. My third pick, when I used to go to the mall or the skating rink or whatever in my teenage years my mom would tell me that she had

spies so I'd go to the mall and she'd be like don't do anything I got people there watching I have people at the mall I got people at the skating rink like she had a street team that was watching Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus they're watching your ads I think back it's like absolutely

no you didn't I know your friends it was just crazy did you believe it? yeah a few times where I'm like I can't my mom might have people watching but then it's like what about all that we stole so much stuff from the mall and it's like you can't

I wonder if you ever ran into one of your mom's friends on accident and then you're like, oh my god, she was right. Oh my god. If I just ran into Diane, she'd be like, yeah, I would have gone and been like, no, she ain't. She's telling the truth. She's paying people to be out here. We are watched at the mall.

It's funny thinking your parents had such a vast network, too. Well, there wasn't. There was kind of a network there had to be because like we were just loose in the neighborhood from the time I was like five on we could just go out and do whatever we wanted so I'm sure there was

calls you know like hey are Sean and Sean over at your house or like you know something like that but none of that I mean because we would have been in trouble all the time if she had people watching where we were going. It's like, I remember being like six and biking to the mall. It's like, your friends didn't want us to be doing that.

So they probably would have let you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would not have been able to hide those dickies in that bush if someone was watching. Exactly. They would have seen you put them in the bush. Yeah, just the front bush of the apartment building too. You got to hide things in plain sight where nobody would ever

think to look. Scarlet letters, your dickie suit. I like the idea of this being like a stakeout, like in a spy movie, like your mom's friends are in an unmarked van outside of the mall. Yeah, they're like, we're going to get to the bottom of this web. It's just like, oh, he's just putting jeans into

bushes, actually. So write that down. 8.2 p.m. It's just like, oh, he's just putting jeans into bushes sexually. So write that down. 8.22 p.m. It's mission possible. Also that your friends, that your parents or the friends of your parents would just be like, oh, yeah, no, I'm not up to anything. I'll go watch your kid from afar.

Yeah, yeah. Anything to do on a Saturday afternoon. You just want me to watch your kid poke around the mall and eat Hardee's for four hours? That's... Yeah, sure. So that,

my mom had a street team. And then this, just every adult. Every adult, but my mom included. Every uncle, all of them. If you pee in the pool,

the water's going to change colors. Yeah. Crazy. I mean, it did stop me from peeing in the pool almost my whole... Until I was an adult. Really. Not me, man. I never peed in the pool as a kid. Yeah. Crazy. I mean, it did stop me from peeing in the pool almost my whole, until I was an adult. Really.

Not me, man. I never peed in the pool as a kid. Oh, you regressed. Yeah. Well, yeah, dude. When you realize nothing's going to happen

and what chlorine is, you're like, that's the point, whatever. Everybody pees in the pool. All the time. I always pee in the pool. Social contract I sign. Every time I get in a public pool,

any pool, any pool, I assume it's been peed in. First thing I do. Every time I get in a public pool, any pool, any pool, I assume it's been peed in. First thing I do. Deload up on water. You're marking your territory. You're just pounding Fijis in the parking lot like, oh, get ready for this. I used to have a bit about this, but I still think it'd be

like, so I fully agree mentally where I'm like, yeah, everyone in this pool has peed in the pool. But just imagine if people walked up to the pool and pissed in it before they got in. It's the same thing. I've thought about it a million times. It's the same thing, but it's like, that's so...

Can you imagine just like nine dudes just be there like, we're so hammered, we're going to get in this hot tub. And they just stand there. These aren't Roman statues. These are real people. It's just so different, but it's the same concept. Like a fountain? Everyone's the censor peeing.

That should be a urinal. It's fun peeing in the pool. I'll say it. How often do you get to pee when you're not touching your penis? Never. Oh, man. Except for the pool. Truly.

And sometimes you're peeing and you're looking right at a friend. Yeah. I sit down almost every time I pee, so I don't touch it most of the time. You sit to the bottom? Oh, that's right. Just pee next to you? I did it to Shane in Canada three weeks ago. Just looking at him peeing?

Yeah, because we went swimming in the pool in Montreal. Did you let him know? No, I didn't tell him. Or he's just like, why are you all blissed out? I'm having a wet dream in the pool. You have like a mischievous smile. I'm having a lucid wet dream in this hot tub.

Hold on, dude. I'm peeing right now. Well, it is. So like, you can say that to me. He's a sassy little devil that loves to piss.

Dude. Yeah, dude. I wouldn't get out. You could do all three of you. Next time I'm sitting next to David in a pool of water and he just shivers, I'm going to be like, God damn it, dude. What happened't get out. Next time I'm standing next to David in a pool of water and he just shivers, I'm going to be like, God damn it, dude.

It'll happen. It's probably happened. Oh, at the beach all the time. I love it because you're just staring off from the horizon like, who could I be? And you're just peeing. It's great. Yeah. I do like peeing in the ocean a lot. Hey, that's where it's supposed to happen, man.

So yeah, if you pee in the pool, it'll change colors. Big adult lie. Zach, number four, what do you got? Number four, you know, this one was kind of a weird one, but I feel like maybe other people have some variation of it. But I would be told that if you eat all your potato skins, that your hair will get curly. What?

That feels very Italian. Yeah. Always potato skins specifically. Is this they're trying to get you to eat them or not to eat them? Yeah, and I never didn't like potato skins. Sometimes I'm like, you saw me at TGI Fridays. I'm getting them purposefully. I'm loading up.

Yeah, I'm trying to get the curls. Yeah, you don't strike me as a kid who had a lot of dietary issues. No. Not like some people. Vegetables are gross, dude. Yeah, where's that one? Are you drafting that? My mom didn't tell me they were gross.

I made up my mind. I thought she said they were yucky. Oh, well, she wasn't lying. How's that a lie? said they were yucky. Oh, well, she wasn't lying. How's that a lie? Vegetables are yucky? Thanks. Did your street team tell you that, man?

You must have scurvy, my man. This is... We should... Nuh-uh. What are you going to tell Max? Are you just going to force yourself to eat vegetables? These are yucky, but you need to eat it. If she carries on this podcast in our name, and she does this very same topic,

then she will say that her dad told her the vegetables are good and he was lying about it. Is that your plan? I hate them. I hate vegetables. No, because she carries on the podcast. Yeah. You're going to curse her with being a comedian?

I'm going to take over the family business. You know it's going to curse her with being a comedian? I'm going to take over the family business. You know it's going to happen to someone. She's not going to go to college. She'll be a podcaster. Thank you very much. It's Ian, David, and your five-year-old daughter.

I can't. He retires early. I get all of her money. She's too young. Well, dad's going to night school. So he can't do it anymore. Oh, man. That's hilarious. Maxine's like, I got dates in Ottawa on the 22nd.

Nope. God, no way. You see my wayward father here? We already decided she's going to USD. She's going to go finish what I started. Graduate. They have a college there? Not a good one, but they got one.

Go Yotes. David, type your fourth pick. Oh, this one. So this one, I was, this is how true I thought it was. I had to look it up to make sure and it isn't true. You have to wait an hour to eat after you

swim. True story. Is that not have to wait an hour to eat after you swim. True story. Is that not true? Or wait an hour to swim after you eat. Yeah. I just found that out too when I was doing a little research. I just found that out too. Apparently it's not true. What a crazy lie. It wasn't just my mom. It was everybody's

parents I feel like. It's part of a joke I do. Really? Everyone was ripping Zach off. No, no, no. It was just of a joke I do. Really? Everyone was ripping Zach off. No, no, no. It was just like I was saying it to these Spanish kids, so it's funny you're in Spanish. Yeah, the Nadar thing? Uh-huh, yeah. But yeah, everyone, that was

everyone. Any parents, someone else's house that had a pool, their parents would always be like, all right, guys, you can eat, but you have to wait it out 30 minutes or 45 minutes. I've tested the theory so many times as an adult and been so confused.

I'm not cramping. I don't get it. Are kids built different? Then you're like, no, it's just a lie. Is it because they didn't want kids to poop in the pool or something? I don't know, but that hour as a kid was the longest fucking hour in the world. Why? I don't know, but that hour as a kid was the longest fucking hour

in the world. Why not just let him go swim? Also, it's a pool. If I cramp, I'll just get out of the pool. It's not like I'm in the middle of the ocean. I have no options. I think that when I think back on it, I truly think they didn't know.

So maybe that isn't fair that it's as a lie. I mean, the only reason I know is because of the internet. Is there a difference here in this context between a lie and an urban legend? Like a myth? Yeah, I can change it. No, no, no. It's a great pick. Fully. Absolutely.

We got to spread the message that it's a lie. Yeah, we got to let them know. She asked what the difference was. I'm like, I just think if you spread it like. Maybe they wanted the kids to be all like, wash your hands before you go in the pool or. What's a pool going to do? Wash them.

It's a big sink. I don't know. Kids are messy. There's just like pizza slice. I mean, you just admitted to peeing in there. Yeah, exactly. I remember at the public pool. Yeah.

Did you pee in the bathtub? No, I never peed in the... Well, I'm sure when I was a kid, but I still take baths. I do not do that. That is one... I have to draw the line because I can...

That's insane. Pretty confined. I don't put chlorine in my bath. But I remember this kid pooped in the big public pool one time and they had to drain the whole... They had to evacuate, drain the whole thing. It was such, I was

like, oh, for that tiny little turd? It was fucked. What were you like turd shaming this kid? I don't know, man. It's just like, I would have kicked everybody out. That's a little turd. I kicked Brian with his tiny ass little turd.

I kicked shit bigger than that shit. Evacuate the pool so we can all beat up Brian and his tiny poops. I had one the other day. It was the size of a squirrel. Oh, tiny poop. Brian sits behind me in history. You guys are in college. It's college history. Whatever,

tiny poop, Brian. Alright, Shocker. Number four. What do you got? Number four and number five. Number four. We wanted you got? Number four, number five. Number four, we wanted pets our whole lives. We did not have any. We had like goldfish, but that's not a real pet. They just swim around and they don't even exist.

But we so desperately wanted a dog. Even your six-foot-tall Olympic diving father couldn't find time to get you a pet? No, no. So in Syria, people didn't have pets that weren't like birds or something. P pets weren't a thing. And he is scared of dogs and doesn't like cats. And so they told my sister and I my whole life until we got to like high school and like figured it out that,

sorry, we can't get a pet because I'm allergic to dogs and cats. Your dad is a sniper. What are you going to say to that? I like the guy. I'm just like dogs and cats. Yeah, dude. Your dad is a sniper. What are you going to say to that? I like the guy. I'm just like, I guess. And yeah, eventually we got old enough where we're like, I know you're not allergic to dogs. You just don't like them.

But yeah, just that was tough. That is now someone who owns two dogs and it's amazing. It's the fucking best having a dog. I was going to say, you really made up for lost time, though. Oh, it was a hard correction. Just the second I signed my first lease in Los Angeles, I was like, all right, we're getting a dog.

Let's fucking do this. Do you ever bring it up to your dad? I do. Now it's funnier, though, because he's still fine with our dogs, but he's not super comfortable around dogs. He's never been around them really. And so we'll sit on the couch and he'll sit just on a dining chair next to the couch.

But the dogs, seeing that all the rest of us are giving them love and desperately wanting that affection and attention from him, will then follow him to whatever chair he's in and just enclose him and just beg him. And he's just like, this is way worse. I'm like, yeah, man, if you just do the basics, they'll leave you alone,

but you're holding out, you're playing hard to get, and they are going to try to get it. I've seen this behavior happen to David. With the dogs? Yeah. Yeah. Like that.

You're like, because I don't give it any attention. This thing is just. Yeah. I'm sure my dog did that to you, and I'm very sorry. Dogs really love me. I don't even dislike them. I just am like, you know, I don't know. I'm pretty

ambivalent. Calming energy. Dogs really like me. Even a lot of times dogs that people will be like, he doesn't like anybody. That dog scared a man or whatever. They all really like me. Dogs like me. My wife likes he doesn't like anybody. That dog scared a man or whatever. But yeah, they all really like me. Dogs like me.

My wife likes me. I like me. I'm a good person. You did it. You did it, pal. You did everything you wanted. Dogs like me. It's true.

It's dogs and strangers, man. They just come up to me. That's beautiful. That is really, it's true it's dogs and strangers man they just come up to me that's beautiful that is really it's calming I like it great okay fifth pick yeah we kind of touched on it a little bit in a different conversation I was raised Muslim

I'm not anymore but I grew up in a very Christian conservative kind of town and my parents needed a way to explain like, hey man, why don't we get Christmas presents? Because like everybody else does. And so we moved when I was like five from a place that hired a fireplace

to a place that didn't. And the answer was, well, you know, Santa can't come through the fireplace, so just he can't come to the house. I'm sorry. Oh, that's cool. That's a little... That's way better to the house. I'm sorry. Oh, that's cool. Wow. That's way better than the truth.

They put that onto somebody else. We would have Christmas, but Santa's racist. They explained to me that we don't celebrate Christmas. We're Muslims. When we were little and we lived at the old house until we were five or six, there would still be presents.

We still did the whole thing of decorating a tree because you don't want to feel left out. Then when I was seven and we moved and it was like, we're not doing this anymore? It's like, oh yes, Hannah can't come. I'm so sorry. Wow. They were just like, he's old enough now. We don't have to do this. Do you think when they were looking for the new house, they were like, can't have a fireplace. No fireplace. Not a one. Yeah, I wouldn't put it past them.

Actually, no. I know that because they bought a plot of land and they built the house. So they definitely did it on purpose. They were like, go ahead and knock that out. You hear them on the phone like, alright, Paul, one, we gotta make one big

change here. I like the blueprints. It looks good. Great design. Gotta kill the fireplace. Yeah, and now you're gonna guarantee that Santa can't come in, right? We're gonna need that Olympic-sized pool, but no diving boards. I don't want a diving board anywhere near. I'm retired.

God damn it. You can't make me. That's hilarious. Did that, did you ever, did you get, was that difficult? Like in like high school age,

kind of, were you ever like, just give me a goddamn present? No, because so like the, the difference is, so Muslims, obviously we don't have Christmas,

which, you know, sucks culturally because everyone has Christmas, but they celebrate something called Eid. And the EID happens twice a year. They're 100 days apart. And you get presents on Eid. Historically, you get money.

Oh, that sounds like a dink. And so, yeah. And so it'd just be like, I'd get like, you know, 50 bucks as an eighth grader or an eight-year-old or something. And be like, can we go to GameStop later? Because I want to buy the new Pokemon game. And he'd be like, yeah, you can use your ID money. And that was that. That's even better. Yeah, that's

twice. Yeah. Do you remember when that switch happened? When you're like, cash is better. I remember the small window. Cash rules everything around me, mom. Yeah, you remember when cream hit you? It was just... I think you were in the sixth grade, right?

Didn't hit me. Sorry, that was... Bring David a plate tour. Coming to you in the city. Go on. BringDavidAPlate.com. I'm out of here put cream on it

no spaghetti oh that is dang speaking of bringdavidaplate.com bring that fifth pick dot no this is one so the other ones have been big ones

you're in the zone this is your best hosting so far. Sean's got his shirt off. You guys can't see. I have my pants off. Really? No. Why are you covering your forehead? I got a sunburn.

This one is one that my mom told me and I never I gotta call her tomorrow I gotta ask her she told my little brothers too so it's not just me she said if you swallow gum this is her words it'll rub against your gut and you'll die

that's fucking gnarly she ramped up the old I heard it takes forever to digest it's so insane that's fucking gnarly she ramped up the old book I heard it takes forever to digest it's so insane that's a lie yeah the seven years thing yeah it comes right out I don't know why she said it

and I didn't test it I mean I think I got old enough and realized that like it was not true but like it was it's such a weird one to me it is one because you're like do you just not want me to swallow the gum or what about gum is it that you don't want that to be

swallowing your son to be afraid of the world yeah I think that I feel like I vaguely remember one time falling asleep with like gum in my mouth and it ended up in my hair. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just because I used to move around a lot and you know what I mean?

Oh, shit. So maybe it stemmed from that, having to deal with that, you know? It's like such a kid thing to do is go to sleep chewing gum where you're like, no, there's still flavor left. Yeah, what the fuck are you doing? You're not going to waste this. This is a nickel, bro.

You're too tired to get up and put it in your sugar water to try to rehabilitate it. I think it was a lot of that, too. I was one of those kids, for sure, who just went until there was no gas in the tank and it just dropped like a rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't remember ever doing it, but I swear I saw somebody put gum in someone's hair on purpose one time. Like in yeah, yeah. I don't remember ever doing it, but I swear I saw somebody put gum in someone's hair on purpose one time. Like in lunch or something. Like a guy walked up to a girl and just put gum in her hair. You put it in a girl's? That's double luck. I can't remember the details, but I feel like I saw that, but I cannot remember

any details. That's heinous. Seems like somebody who would have been running in my crew. Yes! Sounds like one of your friends. Yeah. You sound like a mischievous little boy who went to juvenile detention center. One of your fellow pusshounds. Listen, I'm going to put gum

in your hair. It's already going to happen. Oh, God, that's tight. I put grip tape in Adam's hair one time. You put it on a skateboard. I just walked up and put a chunk of it in his hair. And we had to cut. He was so immediately I was like, oh, this is funny. And he's a chunk of it in his hair. And we had to cut. He was so immediately, I was like, oh, this is funny. And he's like, what the fuck, dude? And we had to cut out a pretty big chunk of his hair.

Would water have not? I don't know. We went straight to cutting. We tried to pull with brute force. We tried to rip and then it went to cutting. We didn't try. Rip, rip, cut. Yeah.

We took a direct flight. No layovers. Rip twice, cut once. Zach, what do you got? Final pick. Final pick. This is one my dad told me very specific. It's in a joke of mine too,

but we went and saw Hocus Pocus in theaters. Scary movie at the time. Yeah, yeah. I was probably like 11 or something. And, you know, there's a plot point where a virgin lights a candle. I didn't know what that was. So I asked my dad what a virgin was. And he said, it's someone who doesn't like mayonnaise.

Never cleared it up. It wasn't a placeholder, you know, for like after the movie, we're going to have a talk. He just fucking. And yeah, for I would say probably months, I was probably using that wrong. Because I was I was like, oh, I don't like mayonnaise. And I've been called a virgin. So it checks out. Hey, Zach, do you want a sandwich?

No, thanks. I'm a virgin. Yeah. Yeah. Just make sure you. Is that cheeseburger for a virgin? Could you make a cheese I'm a virgin. Yeah, yeah. Is that cheeseburger for a virgin? Could you make a cheeseburger for a virgin? Thanks.

Can I get a virgin BLT? Appreciate it. Yeah. And I'll take a virgin jello shot whenever you get a chance. I just love that. You just bring it back to the kitchen with the show in the mail and you're like I'm a virgin

what the fuck is this nobody blew a load on your sandwich what does being a virgin have to do with it listen son these loads don't come that creamy I'm gonna tell you now just telling people your dad's a virgin we're all virgins dude God, I love that. Just telling people your dad's a virgin. We're all virgins, dude.

Oh, just get a burger for me and my dad. We're both big virgins. And I start whistling. The only place you could pull that off is Chick-fil-A. If you're like, I'll get a virgin spicy chicken deluxe. Oh, if you tell them you're a virgin at Chick-fil-A, you're like, I'll get a virgin spicy chicken deluxe. Oh, if you tell them you're a virgin at Chick-fil-A, you get extra fries. Damn, that's so... I just love it so much. That's hilarious.

A virgin is someone who doesn't like mayo. Fantastic. And closing it out, this is a lie that I currently tell my daughter all the time is that cartoon characters are asleep. So if she wants to watch whatever, Gabby's Dollhouse or something,

and I don't want her to, I'll be like, oh, Gabby's sleeping. She wants to watch King Charles Coronation all the time, who's a real person. And I tell her, I'm like, no, King Charles is asleep. Wait, what? The King of England? The King of England? She likes watching the crown get put on.

And then there's this group of things. But don't taste on her. She really is a Maxine. Yeah. She either likes watching the Coronation of King Charles these dislike group of things. But don't taste on her. She really is a Maxine. Yeah. It's either, she either likes watching the coronation of King Charles or like,

you know, the JFK assassination. Wait, does that show JFK all the time? Because we both like it. It's something for both of us. It's either, there's a Bruder film

or Bubble Guppies. Same vibe. Yeah, exactly. Paw Patrol or Dragnet, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same kind of vibe. You know, fights at Waffle House or Paw Patrol or Dragnet, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same kind of vibe. You know, fights at Waffle House.

Honey, the fights at Waffle House are never sleeping. What is she into? Cop shows. Paw Patrol, The Departed, you know. Do you have the same YouTube algorithm? We haven't started that yet. We will. It's coming up.

I think Gabby's is getting kind of played. Anyway, telling our cartoon characters they're asleep. Well, that will do it for the draft. To recap, real quick, Shaka, you went first and you picked when you lie that you'd be able to read it on your forehead. Your dad said he was six feet tall.

Back in Syria, your dad was an Olympic qualified diver. They said they were allergic to cats and dogs so you couldn't have any pets. And they said since you didn't have a fireplace, that Santa couldn't come to your house. David, you went second. You picked the naughtier nice list,

the tooth fairy, both just being total horseshit. This phone doesn't have any games on it, which is perfect. That you have to wait an hour after eating before you swim, and that if you swallow gum, it will rub against your stomach and you'll die.

Zach, you picked, I'm not going to buy you that coming from your mother. And then she ended up buying it. You'll understand when you're older, which you never did. Tell the truth and you won't be in trouble, which was a farce. And if you eat all your potato skins, your hair will get curly. And a virgin is somebody who doesn't like

mayonnaise. And I went last. I picked my mom telling me I was good at sports, that the pets are just visiting the farm, that she has spies everywhere. If you pee in the pool, it will change colors. And telling cartoon characters, telling my daughter rather, that cartoon characters are asleep

when they are in fact not real. That is our draft. Isaac, do you have a pick? Yeah, I grew up going to church and that was the main community of my parents. And so they would always tell me, we're going to leave in 10 minutes. And we would never leave in 10 minutes.

We would always leave one, two or three hours later. It's nothing worse than just seeing your parents start to make the move. And then someone's like, oh, hey. Yeah, yeah, hey. Yeah. Yeah. It sucks. I have to ask Isaac and David of Korean and Sri Lankan culture, Arab culture. Sierra Leonean.

Sierra Leonean. Pardon. Sierra Leone. Wow. That's embarrassing for me. That's embarrassing for me. Sierra Leonean. When your parents would, they're leaving a function of people from where they're from

that doesn't mean you're leaving that means you have 45 minutes until you're leaving because they're going to talk to everyone else at the door before they leave we used to go to these parties all the Sierra Leoneans would throw parties at like rec centers and shit and it would just be I remember sometimes just like falling asleep in a chair

and then you just yeah you're asleep because they're dancing or doing whatever. Also, I thought Isaac's pic was going a much different way. I used to go to church and I was like, oh shit, he's going to do it. My parents lied about God. Shocker, I'm glad you think the Irish

and the Italian just get out of where they're going so quick. Well, there's an Irish exit. I know what you mean. You went literally an Irish exit. I know what you mean. You literally had Irish goodbye. It's the opposite of a Sierra Leone goodbye that takes four days. Italian goodbye is we throw pasta at the wall and run out.

You go to church and this is on my list where I'd be like, how much longer? My mom would be like, it's almost over. And you're like, we just got here. It's not going to be almost over until it's lent. No candy for 30 days. Well, that does it. Thank you everybody for listening. We want to hear your

picks. Just quote, tweet it, or whatever. Give us your list or send them to allfantasypod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram or whoever runs the account on Instagram, follow it. I'm sure we'll get it one of these days. Follow us on Twitter. They're holding it hostage?

Wait, you guys still run the AFV account? Nah, they run it better than we do. Do they? Someone runs it. Do they? Someone runs it. They put up the same picture every time? Hit us up at allfantasypod at gmail.com.

Shout out to everyone on the Patreon. Thank you so much for holding us down. We just got a little video of the hats. They are being stitched and they are dope. They are going to love them. They should be going out like this week. So thank you to the top tier members. And yeah, we have I think another mailbag coming

out this month. I don't know. We got it. Everything's on its way. So thank you for that. Shout out to the subreddit. Shout out to the Shislakity. Shout out to Saints Who Carmel. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. More important than all that. Shout out your own mom.

This is yours. You can do whatever you want. Shout out to St. Kelly Jordan. I love you, mom. I will FaceTime you tomorrow. Shout out David. But more important than all that, please tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy. Everything. Shacklackity. that was a hate gun podcast