All Fantasy Everything - Lies We Tell Ourselves (w/ Chris Charpentier, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: July 11, 2019

PLEASE BELIEVE IT The AFE boys are back with Chris Charpentier drafting “Lies We Tell Ourselves.” Be sure to check out Chris Charpentier's new album, Brain Thoughts and his podcast Sports Bullies The Game.Episode Guest:Chris Charpentier @charpiecomedy IG: @charpiecomedyThe All Fantasy Everything Summer Tour is coming to a city near you! Find dates and tickets at headgum.com/live.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that took a deep, measured breath right before exploding into the intro with, I'm going to say, vivacious vim and vigor that verged on valiance. vim and vigor that verged on valiance got a laugh from all Zach Toscani from the other room that's like the Fortress of Sol dudes version of a Marissa laugh I'll take that

what a creepy that was so he just in the very back what's wild is he's probably just laughing at like a video of Francois Tiafoe of Sri Lankan descent don't do that to me what's wild is he's probably just laughing at like a video of Francois Tiafoe. Yes. My man! Of Sri Lankan descent. Don't do that to me.

Of Sri Lankan, oh my God! Sri Lankan? Jesus Christ. I thought that was a joke. I'm sorry, from Elizabeth, Colorado. No, it wasn't a joke. Like how we say Shauna's from North Dakota sometimes. No, dude, I fucking, I'm honest. Like I made that mistake in my head. Sierra Leone, of course.

I made it when I was texting you about it. I made that same mistake. I was like, like I texted, I was like, wait, is he from Sri Lanka? Not you, Franco Tiafoe. I was like, or Sierra Leone. And then I went and looked it up. And then because I made that mistake in my head, then it firmly, it turned into one of those things where it's like, Oh shit.

I thought I knew which one was Bill Paxton, which one was Bill Pullman. Boy, that's all I don't know. Until I started confusing the two, then I, then it became a whole big issue. Also Sri Lanka is literally the only country that kind of sounds like Sierra Leone.

It's true. So you're fine. Okay. Thank you. Like if you were from, if you knew somebody and they were from, you know, trance, you'd be like, yeah, that wasn't a good example. Trance're fine. Okay, thank you. Like if you knew somebody and they were from, you know, trance, you'd be like, that wasn't a good example.

Trance in France. Blinda. Trance in Italy or what are you talking about? Faustralia. Papa Old Guinea. Yeah. Brozambique. Yeah, dude.

Gapin. Flexico. Whoa. Damn, Flexin. Flexico. Whoa! Damn, Flexico? Flexico? Flexico is probably going to be the name of my first son. Yeah. Oh my God, Flexico Bore?

That guy's up to anything. That guy. What did he do? That guy's in the NFL. Some of it's no good, but he's also up to everything else. The problem is, if you're like, Mom, can I go to Flexico's house? The mom's always like, no way. I'm going there.

No, the mom goes, why don't you tell Flexico to come over here? Let's see what Flexico's doing. Yeah, that's true. Flexico can stay over here, David. Yeah, that's tricky. I wonder what Flexico goes by in kindergarten and grade school.

Flexi? Flexi, yeah. That's cute. It's cute until he becomes a man. Then it's just Flex. If you met someone who went by Lex and you knew them for years as Lex and then they were like hey, my real name's Flexico.

Flexico. Where you see their ID? Flexico. Flexico Simmons. What the fuck? Wow. Yeah. I love it when that happens, though. When you're like, oh, this is my buddy.

You know, this is my buddy TJ. And then you find out his name is like Tabasco Jasper. Yeah, right? Yeah. And you're like, whoa. I just thought it was like Tyler Jones or something. Yeah, I thought you were a junior. As a kid, I used to work with a grocery store.

His name was Joby. Right? He went by Joby. And then one day he leans in and he's like, you know, my real name's Joe Bryeth. And I was like, damn, Joe Bryeth. Yeah, it's different. I don't know what I thought Joby was.

A Latter-day Saint? Yeah. Was he? Joe Bryeth. Joe Bryeth? Was he a Mormon? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not no, no, Eva. Not no, no, Eva. No. Joe Bryeth was Eva. Oh, not no, not Eva. Oi, no, no, noi. Jabraev was Eva. Oh, not noi, not Eva. Oi, noi, noi, noi. Oi, welcome back to New Zealand Public Radio.

Oi, noi, noi, noi, noi, Eva. Not noi, not Eva. Soi, soiri. Noi, noi. After this, a story about a Kiwi who can't find his trousers. Not noi, not Eva. Noi, noi. Welcome to noi, noi.

Welcome to noi, noi. I'm a little Noi Noi. It's that kind of podcast. That's the one. You motherfuckers. It's also that kind of podcast. Buckle your nuts down, strap on your gnarly boots. Buckle your nuts down. Have you said that before?

I've never heard you say that. It sounds cool, man. A lot of stuff come out of your mouth. A lot. You better buckle It sounds cool, man. A lot of stuff come out of your mouth. A lot. You better buckle your nuts down, motherfucker. Better watch yourself. Hey, after that, you better knuckle your butts down. Yeah.

Knuckle your butts and buckle your nuts. Oh, everyone pointed at me all of a sudden. I'll knuckle all your butts down. I'll knuckle your butt down first, Sharpie. You get that fucking dick beater out of my face. Wow. I'll knuckle your butt down first, Sharpie. You get that fucking dick beater out of my face. I'll be honest with you, that sounds pretty good. I'll knuckle that butt to the wall, baby.

Ask about me. I'm figuring it's like a little butt massage. Like you knuckle... I take a butt knuckling right now. I kind of need your butt. Yeah, a deep tissue butt massage. Should we open a butt-centric massage parlor called Knuckle Your Butts? I think we should.

Knuckle McButts. It's a minute per knuckle butt. It's a dollar per knuckle butt minute. Depending on the size of the hand. I got thick nuts. We got some meat hooks. This is premium over here. We're the rye of butt knuckles.

I'm going to be over there working a ton with my small little hands. Everyone's going to want over here. We're the rye of butt knuckling. Well, then I'm going to be over there working a ton with my small little hands. Everyone's going to want the smaller... But you're fine. Yeah. You're like...

You're precision. I get under the folds. I get in there. Yeah, you're precision. I'm just pounding it. Anyway, so this is the last episode of AFV. After this, you can come

see us at Butt Knucklers. It's going to be right on Glendale Boulevard. We take Blue Cross Blue Shield. Or we could open it up in that escape room that will be defunct that's in the Galleria. Is there an escape room in there? I don't know what the economics of that shit is, but they feel like they should only operate in stores that are Halloween warehouses for four months of the year.

And the other eight. You know what I mean? Because during that Halloween season. It's a of the year. And then the other eight, you know what I mean? Because during that Halloween season. It's a perfect dual hustle. Right? It's a perfect dual hustle. You're going to go to a haunted house if you're an escape room kind of person.

And those are up and operating, right? Yeah. Soon as Halloween's over, turn into an escape room, use a lot of the same props. You know, I've been to like 20. You've been to 20 escape rooms? But isn't that like what you and your girl do for fun?

Yeah. We did one here in Los Angeles. Do you want to take a stab at how much I want to go to an escape room? Let me take a stab at it. Yeah. Not at all. I'd rather get a stab. I'd rather take a stab.

I would too. I'd take a stab to the chest. I'd rather look at Paul Pierce, my backup, dude. I'd rather Paul Pierce my backup and then shit myself like Paul Pierce. We have done escape rooms in hotel rooms on vacation. That's just role playing. Don't do that.

I'm trapped in here. Are you talking about knuckle button? You can get a key to the hotel room. We knuckle butted though. It's so fun. It says we have to give a credit card to someone in a vest. I'm tapping the person. Did it start?

No, we need for incidentals. What's an incidental? Can I have a clue? It's been declined. What does that mean? I'm a code four? Laura, get out of here. Let's go. Let's run. This is part of the escape room

where we sleep in our hatchback. All right, this is fun. Not so much ours as hers, but yeah. By the way, can I say that that is the worst declining ever of a card is the incidentals for a hotel room you didn't pay for? Because the hotel's taken care of. Yeah, and all you got to do is cover,

and then it's like, and you're like, listen, man. I'll tell you this. I'm cool. Ask the club're like, listen, man. I'll tell you this. I'm cool. Ask the club. I'm cool, man. San Francisco. Go ahead. No, I was just going to agree very much.

That's all. They put a $750 hold on my shit. God damn. It's insane, because it's that kind of hotel. This is that kind of podcast. That was that kind of hotel. Whoa. Where was that?

That was just the incidental hotel. Yeah, yeah. Wow. What were the options in there? Was it like a gold brick? It was just like right on the wharf and it was like 300 bucks a night or whatever and you're like, bro.

It was right on the what? Right on the wharf. The what? The wharf. The wharf? Wharf? You're saying it right. I just think it's a funny word.

It's just a funny word. Wait, you were saying it right on the wharf when you were saying the wharf? You can see the panic running through were standing right on the wharf when we were in San Diego? You could see the panic running through his face being like wharf? Am I saying that wrong? I sound stupid a lot on here. Also, I don't know if you've noticed

but this 40 hasn't drank half of itself. It looks more like a 20 right now. Also, it's high life. I maintain that shit as club soda, baby. I'm not mad at it. I like it. Yeah, all right.

I like High Life. Summertime. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Wharf. Where was it? Where were you?

On Fisherman's Wharf. It was on Wharf? Oh, okay. Right by the Denny's that cost like 20 bucks for pancakes. Yo, don't fuck with that Denny's, man. No, I fucked with it five nights in a row. When was this? It was on the Wharf.

Yeah, it was the last time I stayed on the wharf. That was such a weird place to stay. You got to get like a sunset. Were you doing one of the clubs? And they put you near the wharf? Yeah, I was doing Cobbs. They put me right there on the wharf. You stayed at the wharf when you were at Cobbs.

Okay. I was on the wharf. Cobbs Wharf. Is Cobbs right by the wharf? It's by the wharf. Oh, I didn't know that. Kind of. It was on Wharf. Cobbs Wharf. Is Cobbs right by the Wharf? It's by the Wharf. Kind of. It's within Wharfing distance. Yeah.

Al Warford. It's North Beach. Congrats to Al Warford on signing up to 76. To the Wharf. I don't know about this riff. I feel weird about it. It was Wharf a try. He landed it. He did it. He landed the fucking play. Hit him with that Sully Sullenberger. I feel weird about it it was it was Worf a try it was alright he brought it he landed it

he did it he landed the fucking plane you hit him with that silly sullen burger for everybody listening I just took my socks off and here I was about to say we need to start over

yeah for God's sake hell yeah alright Sean we don't start over alright Sean we don't start we don't start over

not the Worf way to start an episode for God's sake here we are We don't start. We don't start over. Not the worst way to start an episode. For God's sake, here we are in the Fortress of Solidudes, right? Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on the gram. Yaxilla. What do you got coming up?

What's the deal? Man, just going to try to buckle my nuts down and keep my ears open. Oh, speaking of the gnarly boots, dude, we went to Deluxe. Shout out to everyone at Deluxe we went to Deluxe shout out to everyone at Deluxe oh yeah shout out to Andy yeah shout out to fucking Frank dude

so Donovan shout out to Donovan Strain saw that fakie flip and he's like da da da Deluxe this Deluxe that and I was like

oh our boy Andy works in the art room and he goes Andy Pitts and I'm like small world man it is it's just funny

that everybody knows each other I did a I'm looking at Sharpie now yes I did a fakie kick looking at Sharpie now. Yes. I did a fakie kickflip in front of a professional skateboarder. Wow. Earlier this week. Then he did a cakey.

Then I did a cakey flip flip. Then he did a cakey thick flip, dude. He did a fakie thick flip, but then David and I did a cakey thick flip. We were cakey thick flipping all weekend. Let's be honest. I did a fakie flip in front of Deluxe. A cakey thick flip. And then we all did a cakey thick flip at Tommy's's be honest. I did a cakey flip in front of Deluxe. A cakey thick flip. And then we all did a cakey thick flip at Tommy's afterwards.

Damn. Yeah. Ooh, man. Ooh, cakey thick flips for the table. Cakey thick. Is that what you're going to call pancakes now? Cakey thick. Yes.

Cakey thick flips. Like a tall stack? How can we call them pancakes when cakey thick flip? No, it's over. Makes sense because you've got to flip them. Yeah, it's a wrap for them. Cakey thick. And they're thick. Cakey thick flip. sense because you got to flip them. Yeah, it's a wrap for them. Cakey thick flip. R.I.P.

Pancakes. R.I.P. Pancakes. Yeah, sorry. Now it's cakey thick flip. Probably a 500 to 600 year run for the word pancake. Yeah, they got canceled though. Came to end right at canceled.

July 1st, 2019. We did it. There were so many that came that close to taking it out too. There were. Oh yeah. Flap jacks.

Hot stacks. All of those. They were so good.. Hot stacks. Yeah. All of those. They were so good. I'll tell you what they weren't. Was it cakey thick flip? Cakey thick flip. None of those were them. I'm going to go into the next breakfast I go into with so much confidence. Confidently. And like hey sir let me get a

black coffee and a short stack of those blueberry cakey thick flips. You know what they'll do is come out with exactly what you wanted. I'm going to wink at him and he's going to get it. He's going to get it.

It's like whispering a sacred truth to someone. Cakey thick flips. It's fucking true. If there was a breakfast spot called cakey thick flips. I'd live in there. there was a breakfast spot called Cakey Thick Flips. I'd live in there. They're like, hey, I'm gonna be in fucking, I'm gonna be in weirdly Tuscaloosa next weekend. What is there to do? Well, the nightlife there isn't much, but

for breakfast, you gotta go to Cakey Thick Flips. It's fucking fantastic. Get the knuckle butler. The knuckle butler is fucking fantastic. The knuckle butler. What was it? The knuckle butler is fucking fantastic. The knuckle butler? The knuckle butler is like

a knuckle butler is when you it's when you get someone off with a hand wise without expecting anything in return. Oh, the knuckle butler. She gave me a knuckle butler. It was sweet. Right, because she was on a period

but we were making out you know I was like are you sure she's like I really don't mind yeah so she threw me the old knuckle butler

which is crazy because I was wanting a french blowjob yeah which is anal guys which is anal we've talked about that right

right after the knuckle butler she goes no I'm also pretty tired so let you know we'll both go to bed I like it so yeah I'm just I just can't wait to go to sleep.

Which is the perfect through line to what our topic is today. Lies we tell ourselves. But we're not there yet. I'm tired, too. I didn't even want anything. Lies. Oh, yeah. God, no, I don't know.

I hate getting off. Sean Jordan, so what do you got coming up? I mean, there's the, by the time this drops, I think we'll be squarely in the middle of the Summer Breeze Tour, right? Yeah. We will. Yeah. I mean, what? It's you know, the dates.

Yeah, I think I got it here, but July 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, and then 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, we will be solidly on tour. And while we're looking that up, we can just talk for a second about how dope the first two shows were.

They were crazy. I wasn't ready for anything like that. Where were they? My body wasn't ready for it. My constitution wasn't ready for it. It was Seattle first. The constitution wasn't ready for it? No, they had to ratify it, bro.

It was Seattle and then San Francisco. Oh, shit. Yeah. Exactly. Fun times. It's a West Coast run, bro. Fun times. Yeah, no, it was great. Thanks to everybody that came out.

Thanks for fucking making signs. That was wild. Thanks for taking... Thanks for wearing Trailblazers jerseys. I'd like to thank the crew that showed up like that. Thanks for taking pictures with us. Yeah. Thanks for going out for Kiki Thickflips with us after the shows. Oh, Kiki

Thickflips. So here we go. Just to go over real quick. July 11th, Boston at the Sinclair. July 12th, Brooklyn at the Bell House. You can't go to that. I'm sorry to interrupt you. This comes out on the 11th. Well, Boston, see you tonight, bro. See you tonight, Boston. Tickets still available

as of now, but when we're recording, but it's getting close. So hopefully you got your tickets. Getting down there. July 12th, Brooklyn Bell House.. Getting down there. July 12th, Brooklyn Bell House. That's all sold. July 13th, DC at the Black Cat.

Tickets available. Big venue. July 14th, Philly. Big venue, but we are Philly. It's going. It's going.

You know what else was a big venue? Great American Music Hall. We rocked that motherfucker. Thick flip. You know what else was a big... Thick flip. It's so good. Cakey thick flips.

Cakey thick flips. July 18th, Minneapolis, St. Paul Turf Club. First show sold out. Second show added. You forgot Philadelphia. No, I did Philly Underground Arts. July 14th. Did you mention that? I believe so. Okay, my bad, my bad. Could have been my bad too. This 40 is now two-thirds drink

i must be tripping my bad oh almost everything probably all right yeah hey y'all steak and lobster brunch uh july 19th chicago the hideout sold out uh july 20th columbus woodland tavern sold out sold out july 21st last show the tour, Detroit Ferndale at the Magic Bag Tickets Available. Yeah. So come on out, guys. Bring some cakey thick flips. Yes. Some knuckle butlers and we'll do some butt knuckling.

We'll do some butt knuckling. Yeah, I'll do a butt knuckle. Some truck shuttling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, come fuck with us. The first two shows were so much fun. Those are going to be amazing.

Yeah. And, you know, after this, who knows next time we'll go on tour. Anchorage, we're coming for you. Other than that. Other than that. Yeah. Other than that. No, the next time we go on tour will be pretty soon.

But come see these because they won't be the same cities. Yeah, it'll be different cities. Except for the ones that will be sold out. You know. Sold. Sold. Which will be back. Got hort.

Hort. Cities got hort. Somebody was yelling that at one of the podcasts, right? Somebody did yell that at one of the podcasts. You got hort. Yeah, well, they know who to fucking talk to. Salt. Which will be back. Got Hort. Hort. City's got Hort. Somebody was yelling that at one of the podcasts, right? Somebody did yell that at one of the podcasts. Yeah, but they know who to fucking talk to.

You. Boy with Hort. They know who to talk to. Al Hortford. Al Hortford. The G is silent on Twitter. Hey. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram.

Zoom, zoom, zoom. Yeah, zoom, zoom, zoom. What do you got coming up, buddy? Other than that tour we just mentioned. Yeah, the tour, zoom. What do you got coming up, buddy? Other than that tour we just mentioned. Yeah, the tour. The 26th and 27th of July, I will be in Asheville, North Carolina. Man, it's a hot one.

Hell yeah. My mamacita. My Spanish Harlem something. Rosamona Lisa. I put my balls up in the margarita. Ow. It's great. Because they are

so smooth. And if my balls are smooth enough to put in your tequila cup, it's a

I can't do it. I love it. You were a dude. You were writing a new song What are you doing? I you know I had I got nuts in my mouth

And I kind of spit them out What else is new? Cakey thick flips I think it's falafel Okay What have you got? I've been eating almonds Like crazy

I got some in the kitchen Man I got a huge thing at Costco Got to I love an almond But anyways Yeah Small handful almonds If you had nuts on your chin

Would those be chin nuts? Uh huh Okay Oh I know you got a dick in your mouth Sorry I got the order wrong So yeah See me doing that

I'm going to try to get some auxiliary dates around Atlanta around That time I am still working on it So be on the lookout for that And don't push him Cause he's close to the end. He's trying. And then who knows? Maybe the night that you do bumper shoot,

maybe I'll do like a one-off set somewhere in Seattle. Oh, and then we go head-to-head? Is that how it's going to fucking be? It's going to be hard to go head-to-head with three heads, bro. Yeah, and Vince Staples. Yeah. Or you can come see me in open mic. I'm trying to walk on.

Or we can just do a secret show show I'll be there with Eddie Vedder Eddie Vedder in a heavy sweater Yeah me and heavy sweater are going to be there You know what we call it when I When I moonlight as the co-singer For with Eddie Vedder I don't care I was so hard

I was working so hard to make a swirl jam Oh yeah You could have just said swirl jam. No, what do you got? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could have just said swirl jam. Yep. Too late now. Sharpie.

You know what I call it when me and Eddie Vedder are eating a turkey sandwich? What do you call it? Girl ham. That's what I call turkey breath. Girl ham. You know what? I am on hiatus. You know what on hiatus would me and Eddie

Eddie Vedder eat mushrooms and play tambourines together in the park squirrel jam hell yeah you know what I call it when Eddie Vedder and I go get our hair done together a curl jam

oh it's a curl jam I was going to say we go get permanents but yeah get our hair done together. Huh? A curl jam. Oh, it's a curl jam? Yeah, it's a curl jam. Oh, nice. I like that. I was going to say we go get permanents, but the curl jam. You would look crazy with a permanent. I bet I would. We should get you a permanent on tour. Oh, I'd love that.

We should get you a permanent. Also, if somebody said they'd give us free tattoos on tour. Well, maybe. You know what I call it when Eddie Vedder and I try to enter the Olympics as a Canadian team? What's that? Curl jam. Okay.

Who was our guest today? Oh, it's Chris Sharpened here. Oh, we're done, huh? Oh, we're all done, huh? It has been decided. Felt like it had met a natural end, but if we had to put it down in front of all the listeners, I guess so.

It was definitely the logical conclusion. It's already been decided. Gotta go old yeller on the bit. Fine. I just, I mean, I didn't have anything to say, so at least you try it, you know? I didn't have one in the... I feel like they were done, so maybe...

I wanted to say, if I'm getting Musa B with a country music legend, it's called, you know, Merle Spam, but I didn't throw that out there trying to think for me um anyway i'm here and uh i have an album out yeah that's the most exciting news first of all it's at sharpie on twitter right at sharpie comedy sharpie comedy on twitter and instagram and on instagram so talk about your album buddy yes oh and it's sharpie comedy sharpie comedy on twitter and instagram and on instagram so talk about your album buddy yes

oh and it's sharpie with a ch c-h-a-r-p-i-e uh and i have a new album out it's called brain thoughts on the same lovely album as sean jordan label mates

hell yeah label mates label mates you guys should get label mates you guys should get ast chains who says we don't already

yeah i don't know do you i do no i don't i'm the newest member know. I keep mine in my jewelry box with all my other jewelry. My rings and such. My rings and such.

My bobbles. My rings and such. My bobbles. I have a, what do you call it? Monocle. Thank you. I have one of those in there too. And a lot of Ty-Tacs. And a lot of Ty-Tacs.

They're called Ty-Tacs. What is a Ty-Tac? A tie bar. Oh, the thing that clips it to your shirt. There you go. I always thought it was called a tie clip. I believe they're called tie tacks. Maybe there's two different kinds. South Dakota and the rest of the world, huh?

Why do you keep bringing up South Dakota? I'm from there. Everybody knows you're from North Dakota. Bismarck, North Dakota zone. Keep bumping them, boys. Pride of Bismarck, North Dakota. It's going to be hard to chew on that toothpick with no fucking teeth. No, it won't.

Just roll around on my gums. It'll feel great. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So it's called Brain Thoughts. It's called Brain Thoughts. When did you record it? I recorded it a long time ago, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah, in Denver, Colorado, last year at the High Plains Comedy Festival. Oh, hell yeah. Okay. Yeah. Fantastic. Yeah, in Denver, Colorado last year at the High Plains Comedy Festival. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, yeah, fantastic. And it was amazing, and then it took a while because I was waiting for the artwork, which was worth the wait, because it's fucking dope.

And if you order the album through a special thing records, then you'll get a digital download and a copy of the poster of the, and it's fucking dope Dave Clock did the artwork and Jeff Tice did like the coloring for it and it's just perfect

I'm super proud of it so you can check that out on Instagram and all that I have the link to it everywhere that anywhere you follow me it's just so funny guys give them your fucking money and I also have a podcast that you guys should listen to. Sports?

No, no. Nope. Okay. After every single episode of WTF. Of course. Every episode of AFE. Of course. And then, okay, what's your podcast?

And then all the stuff on HeadGum. Yeah. And all the other whatever requirements that you have. Yeah, you know. Because there's lots of other stuff. That's right. There's, I mean yeah there's news stuff but when you get tired of everything else go ahead and check out sports bullies the game

it is the most ridiculous podcast you'll listen to break it down for the people uh we have me and david van huysen who's another very silly, it's weird. I guess it's just South. Yeah, they're just weirdos. Anybody from there doesn't make any sense. We have a guest on and we use sports jargon to ask them questions throughout a quote unquote game that makes no fucking sense. It's all very, very silly. You don't have to enjoy sports at all. I was on the show

one time. You were on the show one time. It was great. I don't enjoy you or David and I still had a really good time. It's volumes to your podcast. It's a very fun silly time. We actually got, we have one review so far. Oh. Yeah, one review and it says funniest podcast

next to all fantasy ever. Yo! I laughed at it. It was me. I laughed at it. I understand. But I'll take it. All Fantasy Everything is a podcast where three friends and sometimes a guest come together to

fantasy draft anything and it is a wild ride. It's crazy. People have a great time. Anything from music videos you'd like to live in. Honestly, it's the funniest podcast next to Sports Bullies the Game. That's not what I read. I read recently something that was close to that, but that's not quite what it said. So I don't know.

It's weird. Sports Bullies the Game. I'm just getting it out there. Brain thoughts with Chris. Do you have an example of one of the games, Worf? Oh, sure. Ficky. Ficky kickflip. Let me think of them of the games, Worf. Oh, sure. Thicky thick flip. Let me think of them.

Cakey thick flip. Cakey thick flip. There we go. The first one that comes to mind would be the infield fly rule. Excuse me? The infield fly. Infield fly rule. And so for that one, it would be something like you're in a single engine plane now.

And guess what? That engine went out. And you got to crash land that baby. What field are you going to land it in? Infield fly rule. So that's like the questions that we ask you. And we have to come up with what we think the best field might be? Whatever field you want to land in.

There is no wrong answer. What field of medicine? You know, which I was thinking about getting into before I got in that plane. Honestly, it makes sense because then you're ready to get all the help you need in case you get hurt in the accident. Feel the dreams? Sure. It's a big field. Feel the screams. Flanders Field. There are no wrong answers. That's what makes the

game fun. But at the end, you always lose. We always win. That's part of the game. I mean, there's judges. We don't get to choose that, of course. It just happens that far. Thus far, we are undefeated. It's all J.D. Power & Associates

reviews are pretty close to make sure everything's on the up and up. J.D. Power & Associates. They are. They're the one podcast that they reviewed, right? There's a J.D. Power & Associates. Honestly, I get my reviews from J.D. Money & Associates. Oh, we should make a... Oh, we should make a trophy for ourselves. Yeah, we...

Voted best podcast five years running by JT Money and Associates. Oh my God. Hold on, I have to write that down. By JT Money and Associates. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who the, who the, who the, who the? Yeah, the point is

your podcast is great. Thanks, man. You're so funny. Thank you very much. You look really cool right now. Thank you. I got a new cool hat. I got new cool shoes. Your sleeves are rolled up. My sleeves are rolled up nice and big so you can see my farmer's tan nice and big. you can see my farmer's tan Nice and red

And you're brown as hell I'm very tan right now for all parts of me I'm feeling pretty good New album, new podcast, new hat, new shoes Friends Cadillac Same old Sharpie though

All pretty tight Even though I might be on TV I'm be on TV. I'm still the same Sharpie. Oh. Why the only one that had no idea what song that was? You know what? I will always be. I sang my own.

Same Sharpie. Yeah. That's what I sang. I sang my own lyrics. You don't know that song? No. Same old G? By Genuine?

That is blowing my mind right now. By Elgin Lubkin? I would have bet $40,000 you knew the song Sam OG. I really would have thought that you knew it. Sing it the right way. Even though I'm on TV, even got my own CD, there ain't no change in me. Same OG. No.

What? I feel like I'm really putting myself out there. Wait about the breakdown. You got to give him the breakdown. The breakdown is, Day after day, I continue to be me, oh me.

And that's all I could be because I got to be me. No, that last part wasn't right. No, this isn't. This is so crazy. We'll watch the video after this. Can't wait. I don't know why.

I just really feel like you would have known like the second biggest song. It feels like me not knowing who like, I don't know, Lafonso Ellis is. Like obviously I know who Lafonso Ellis is. It's like him knowing JT Money but not the associates. Not the associates.

I've become better friends with the associates. Over time that'll tend to happen. JT's a stern man. He's busy. He's a quizzical and quixotic man. He's there for the beginning, gets you in, and then the associates take care of you after that. He's out getting new guys.

Kind of like when you go to the dentist. You spend a lot of time with a hygienist. Exactly. I'm Ian Carmel. He's out getting new guys. It's kind of like when you go to the dentist. You spend a lot of time with a hygienist. Exactly. I'm Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. Drop, provide. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish...

Kayak? Yeah. Your eyebrows went as high as your eyebrows can go on a face. They almost... They flew all the way up there. If you want the cheapest flights. You always bring up this Jewish thing. You're Jewish. Oh yeah, 100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything.

You know that, Jeremy? Yeah, I'm a good friend. I try not to fly the flight too often, but yeah, I'm Jewish. That makes sense because there's a lot of... Do you know it or not? Were you fucking with, but yeah, I'm just... That makes sense because there's a lot of... Do you know it or not? Were you fucking with us?

No, I don't know it, but... Oh, he just wants to... Maybe the video will help. Same-o-gee. I mean, if you're not getting it from us, then give it. Yeah, I don't think the video's going to be... Because we're nailing it. Yeah, the video's not going to do us anything better.

Because you're going to get distracted by genuine... Yeah, you're not going to know... Listen, watching me sing, watching Elgin Lumpkin sing, same thing. Okay. Some people say I have a genuine face. Cakey thick flip. Cakey thick flips.

I went to that party. I turned genuine water into genuine wine. Bet you did. Oh, boy. Bet you did, Pamela Red. You genuine-ed them, genuine-ed them,

genuine-ed them. Genu 69-dom. Genu 69-dom. Genu 69-dom. Come see us on the AFE Summer Breeze Tour. And then, if that's not enough, you can come see your boy Karmz at Pickathon in... Boom. Just outside of Portland, Oregon. I just did that last year.

Did you? Yeah, with you. Yes, you and I did. We had cups. It was so fun. It's so silly. August 2nd and 3rd, I'm going to be there. Mohamed El-Sheikhi is going to be there.

Others. And then you can come see me at the High Plains Comedy Festival. We can talk about that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. We've said it before on here. I'm never not going to be at High Plains. Festival. We can talk about that, right? Yeah. Whatever. We've said it before on here. I'm never not going to be at High Plains.

Right. Ditto. Yeah. I'll be there as well. So we'll be there the 23rd, 24th, 25th. Doing an AFV. Of September. Or August.

September. It's September this year. September. Oh, it's September? For sure it's September. You're doing a Bumbershoot, I think, at the end of August. Okay. I am doing Bumbershoot at the end of August.

It's in September. Is it not always in September? No. It got changed this year, I think, at the end of August. Okay, I am doing Bumbershoot at the end of August. It's in September. Is it not always in September? No. It got changed this year. This year, it's the end of September. When did that happen? This is not a podcast. We'll probably be at High Plains. Okay. I'll definitely be at Bumbershoot doing stand-up

comedy, and that is at the end of August. Me, Frank Ocean. What else do you, not Frank Ocean, just me, Tyler, the creator. Not Vince Staples. Yeah, I think I'm going to go up to watch Tyler. Just go with you. Me, dog. So come

fuck with that. Fuck with us on the Patreon. We're going to be doing new watch-alongs, new mailbags going into the summer. I'm off for some time now, so we're going to do a little recording and shit. So we're excited about it. We're going to be doing new watch-alongs, new mailbags going into the summer. I'm off for some time now, so we're going to do a little recording and shit. So we're excited about it. We're recording. We're James Corden.

We're James Corden, dude. James Corden. Huh? James. Huh? From Malcolm. No, I mean. Yeah, sure.

What was it? Tricky Cat Fights? No. Tricky Cat Fights 69 at Yahoo.com. Ficky Cake Flips. Ficky Cake Flips. Ficky Cake Flips. I just don't want to forget it. Cakey Thick Flip. Cakey Thick Flips. no tricky cat 569 at yahoo.com picky cake picky cake flips picky cake flips picky thick flips man

I mean it's easy because I haven't said it out loud yet because I already know I'm going to fuck it up it's such a tongue twister for me picky thick flips sounds just like a fakie kickflip which is a real trick and then cakey thick flip welcome to cakey thick flips my name is a fakie kickflip which is a real trick and then cakey thick flip

welcome to cakey thick flips my name is Darius and I take your order yeah Darius I'll take some strawberry cakey thick flips do you want a butt knuckler with that no butt knuckler actually do you do half butt knucklers

we do do half butt knucklers we call them one knucks. Can I get one chocolate one nut and one vanilla one nut? Let me get two Keggy Vic webs, all the semen. Wait, I didn't. You didn't need to cover the semen. Do you even know what we serve here? I don't think I do.

This is a brothel. Oh, well, then in that case, I'll just have a hand butler. Or whatever it was. Knuckle butler. We are gathered here today in the Fortress of Solitude. It's not just to give each other knuckle butlers. Although I guess if we give them to each other,

it's not a knuckle butler if you both get one. Sometimes it's like an emotional knuckle butler. Like a knuckle butler if you both get one. I mean, sometimes it's like a, it's like a, it's like a, it's like a, like an emotional knuckle butler. Like a knuckle commune. Oh yeah, yeah. Giving each other

emotional knuckle butlers. Giving each other emotional knuckle butlers. Yeah. We are gathered here to draft Lies We Tell Ourselves. Oof. Oh yeah.

Of which there are many. This one is gonna get in there. Of which there are many. Of which there are many. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors

played between the three of you. And we throw on shoot. I'm shooting up. I'm shooting down. Shooting up, shooting down, Sean. I like this. We throw on shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Ooh. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Ah, Sean

wins! Sean went less scissors and more the nyak, nyak, nyak. It's crazy. The three stooges. We're still talking about them today. When did they come out? 1984? Something like that.

Sean Jordan, as the winner of the rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, what? Incumbent is a good word. I like it. Thank you. I tryent is a good word. I like it. Thank you. I use it every, I try to use it every episode. I like it.

If I can. It is a serpentine draft. What does that mean? That's a great question. So you get back to Los Angeles from Portland and you go in the fridge and you, you're like, I know there's a 40 in here that I got just before I left. And I know there's a 40 from like three weeks ago. So you go in there and you pick them both up. You pick them both up and you look at one,

you're like, is this a skunked 40? And you open it and you take a drink and you're like, I don't know, kind of tastes skunked, but maybe it's just because it's a 40. So then you open the other one, you take a drink and you're like, this one actually tastes worse. So you want to figure it out. And then you take another drink real quick, just to to kind of get your bearings and you're like, that tastes pretty bad. Then you go and take a drink of the previous 40, take a drink of that and you're like, that really does taste worse than the one I just took a drink from. Maybe

that's, maybe this is the skunked one. Take another drink just to make sure. Then you go back to the other one, take a drink and you're like, I guess they both just taste like shit because they're 40s. At what point during this scenario do you puke? A couple hours from now. You can't be having 40s in the fridge for three weeks.

Yeah. What are you saving it? Like, this is my celebration 40? Well, they weren't open. So I got one and then I forgot that I got it. And then I got another one, didn't open any of them. There were a couple of 40s rattling around in the crisper. Yeah.

Do you guys call it a crisper in like Oregon? It says crisper on it, doesn't it? My mom always called it a crisper and I never really met anybody else that called it a crisper. Is that your accomplice there in the crisper? Yeah, it's called crisper. I've always just called it one of the drawers. The meat drawer or the cheese drawer.

Would you do me a pleasure and grab that 40 ounce of alcohol out of the drawer? Pardon me. Would you do me a large favor? Pardon me. Pardon me. I hate to trouble you, but there is a large alcohol in the drawer. A large alcohol? Just go to the roost.

Let me get a large alcohol. Hello, Armenian man. I'd like one large alcohol, please. Thank you very much. Place it in the bag. I'll be walking across the street with it. That's how Sean talks off the podcast. It is crazy. People don't know that. Anybody in public, that's how I've

been doing it for years. Errone. Errone? Holy buckets. So, Sean, basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. With that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? Chris, Sean, David, Ian. Hot water!

Okay, okay. Okay. Oh, boy. Okay, she be calling me Hercules. Put this H on my belt. You're the stand for Hermes. Till you go to meet me at the coffee shop. I've been listening to it so much.

Sean's really into Stormzy now. British rap. That's the fun subplot of the summer. I played it out loud the other night. Till you go to meet me at the coffee shop. Chris, you have the first pick in today's All Fantasy Everything draft, so we're going to give you a first pick right after

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I don't know when that turned into like how you come back. We are back. I love it. It's crazy. It should always been that way. Chris, the charpentier, you have the first pick in the lives we tell ourselves, all fantasy, everything draft.

Your first pick. Well, first, let me say that I'm honored to have the first pick. We're honored to have you here. Thank you. Second, yikes. This is so hard. Because I was like, should I do funny ones or should I do real ones?

And then I just, we'll see. Oh, if you think I'm not going to get a little serious. We'll see what happens. So I'm going to go with this one first because it's something that, it is real, dumb, and I believe it has impaired my life more than once. I'm going to say that I've told this lie plenty of times that, oh, I don't smell that much like weed. Oh man,

I knew you were going to get that before I was. I know that that is. You're wrong. Oh God. I know that that's been an issue in the Uber like literally smoking weed two seconds before it pulls up I'm not getting into his car smelling like drugs in some places illegal drugs you dust your shirt off like it's all good

my first meeting with Comedy Central ever I was so nervous that I just sat in my car because I got there way early and just fucking hot boxed my car because I was nervous as hell and then got out and went right in and everyone looked at me like, what the fuck? Just like, oh, I'm here. I'm old. So stupid. Mad bulls over there. Like, yeah, so stupid. So dumb. Chief mad bulls. I've had so many conversations with so many people yeah and that's the thing too is when you smoke weed your nose is kind of deaded to it

oh yeah it's like it's impossible i don't even smoke weed and not smell like it for a while i don't even think about it and i cannot tell you how many times i've walked into somewhere and somebody's like geez somebody's smoking good weed. And I'm like, fuck. Yeah. Fuck. It's not even that good, sir. It's just a lot. It's like, I don't even have it with me. It's just a lot. Did you grab all the Comedy Central execs and beat them up like that Clint dude from Dazed and Confused? Someone's talking to some reefer.

What'd you say, chief? And then you just break their nose. No, it was pretty stereotypical stoner. I just kind of sat there and listened to them talk. I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Sounds good. Great. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, cool. And they're like, do you have any ideas? And I was like, I just kind of sat there and listened to them talk. I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Sounds good. Great. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And they're like, do you have any ideas? And I was like, I don't know. I just

want to do comedy, man. I didn't impress them very much in the first meeting. Anyway, I got a little too high for it. I did the same thing. My first meeting, well, the one meeting I've had with Comedy Central, it was the, so what do you have for ideas? I'm like, oh man, who knows? Who knows what's possible? Who knows what I could do who knows ideas who knows is a crazy way to answer that yeah yeah

who knows what no who knows what I'm capable of man I could host some shit if you say if you literally go in and just say who knows either you never meet with them or any network again or they just give you a development deal yeah Yeah, they're just like, well, we know. Who knows? Well, shit. All right, we're going to sign you up for the next three years. We want to be involved in whatever those who knows are. I very rarely know if I smell like weed or not.

But one time at work, I noticed hard, because like, and I hadn't even smoked weed, because I never smoked before work. But, you know, I like dry some shirts, air dry them. And I have like the rack in the living room. And Zach must have been doing what Zach does, which is smoke. He's working out by him? A lot of weed, right before he goes to the gym. And I think my shirt absorbed some of that weed.

And then I was at work, just like sitting in a meeting like oh no oh no I smell so much like weed it's fucking crazy where you're like and just that like smoked weed smell, the fresh weed smell it's very distinct it really is those comedy condos

you guys ever, when was the last time you were at a comedy condo I've never stayed at a comedy condo? I've never stayed at a comedy condo. It's been a holy crap. I don't even know, man. The last one that I was in was a really dope one, so it doesn't count.

Dope as in it smelled like weed? No, dope as in it was rad. Yeah, the last one I went to was the Comedy Works one. Comedy Works one. And that one's fucking insane. And the one for the Long Beach... Or no.

Whatever the comedy store. La Jolla. Oh, I've never been to that one. It's like literally right on the beach. They have a comedy condo for the La Jolla comedy store? Yeah. Or Laugh Factory. La Jolla comedy store.

And it is like right on the beach, like on the ocean. It is rad. Yeah. It's worth not having a very good week of comedy to stay in those fucking condos i'm serious book it if you ever get a chance it's not worth yeah the shows aren't great except for there's a cool ass dude who plays piano uh there all the time yeah and he's pretty great i do like that yeah nice atmosphere to the store uh it's i don't smell like weed that much that's very funny it's been an issue i never make the same mistake with booze you know like in the morning i'm like i reek like booze i go yeah and you like go do sit-ups in the shower yeah yeah yeah you can like

that booze stench you can wash off yeah for sure absolutely and i also feel like the only like you can't mask it if you put on cologne with over your weed, you just smell like a 17 year old. You put on cologne over weed because they didn't know. It's like spraying apple cinnamon in the, in a freshly shit in bathroom. You're like, well, now it smells like both of those. You smell like a geometry class full of seniors.

Exactly. Do I smell like that? Yes, you do. That's great. As a senior who took geometry... I'm just saying. No, that's what I smell like. It's an Arctic blast axe. Sean Jordan, time for your first lie you tell yourself.

It's weird that we're doing this because this is actually just something I booed. But like, I actually, I really, I drive better when I'm drunk. Oh, shit. That's great. That's shit. That's the worst one, too, man. Dude, for days, people used to, actually, well, I drive a little better when I'm drunk.

I focus more and you're like, what? Shut up. You're drunk. Do you realize what you're saying? That's the drunkest thing to say. Seriously, we used to do that all the time. Be like, no, it's all right. Like, I'll actually, I'll focus a whole bunch more.

And then you think about how you're driving. You're just like nose on the steering wheel, staring out the window. You're like, this isn't. No. It's not good. What amount of alcohol do you start? Like, at what point is like I'm driving better?

Like, how buzzed are you? When you think that? Currently, I won't drive after. Well, not now, of course. So it used to be when you would like hit the zone, we'd have like, gosh, who knows, like five, six beers or something. And we'd be like, you know what? Fuck it. I want to listen to 99 Problems. I'm going to drive like a champ right now. And you'd be like, Oh, don't worry

about it. Traffic's nothing for me right now. Everything's good. Like I'm driving great. Or it'd be like the end of the night where it'd be like 30, 20, 30, but whatever. And then you're just like, no, it's freezing cold out, but I'm going to focus. I'm actually, I'll be, I'll be great. It'll be way better. It's better since I'm drunk. Cause that way I'll go slower. We, we used to just, and then even the next day we'd be like, Oh yeah, I was drunk. So I was, I was good. Like it was fine. What? Yeah, no, that's nonsense. I know. I know what you mean though. We used to do till I got that DUI. And then I was like, I'm not even going to drive anymore. Yeah. Take it from me. I'm not, you know what I'm that DUI that I was like, I'm not even going to drive anymore. Yeah.

Ever again. Take it from me. I'm not. You know what I'm saying? What did I do with the privilege? Fucking dickhead. Like, all right. Fuck it.

Yeah. That was, yeah. I used to think the same thing. I used to think like, yeah, it, like it would almost like, well, have you ever been in a situation when you've been drunk and then something sobered you up? And then I feel like I would just apply that to like driving. Like, like I've been drunk and then like had an interaction with police or some shit like that. And then you're like, oh, yeah, we're just like anymore.

Totally. When our computers got stolen. Yeah. See, or something like that. Yes. Yeah. Sobers you right up. Oh, shit.

My mom is calling. Yeah. Yeah. See? Or something like that? Yes. Sobers you right up. Oh shit, my mom was calling. Yeah. For some reason. I used to pretend like that was what drunk driving was. You know what sobers you up is when you think like, oh, I'll be great. I'm going to focus. And then there's like a cop behind you. And then you're like, whoa, no, that was crazy. I just thought I was going to drive better like this and now there's a cop

behind me. And then they turn away. And then you're just like, well, I might as well have been in church all day. I can't feel a thing. You know what really sobers you up? What? About 8 to 10 hours of your liquor processing alcohol. That's about it. Yeah, really, truthfully. That is fucking about it.

It is about it. Man, yeah, I drive better when I'm drunk. None of us do, by the way. Nobody ever has. You don't do anything better when you're drunk. Here's what I do better when I'm drunk. None of us do, by the way. Nobody ever has. You don't do anything better when you're drunk. Here's what I do better when I'm drunk. Sing. Yeah.

Right? Curate a jukebox selection maybe at the Roost. Yeah. You nunchucks, I would venture, I think. I'm pretty fucking good either way. Yeah, yeah. I'm not. I'm in the honor.

That's when you're drunk for a certain savoir faire. Yeah. I'm better at puking when I'm drunk. I'm way better at puking when I'm drunk oh yeah i'm amazing i'm a stud at it because i do it every time i get drunk so i'm very good at it how often do you really drink like that whenever i want to puke baby that's the only time where we talk like a couple times a year yeah i feel like i rarely ever see you have more than like a beer or two yeah i would say like 10 times a year I'm better at eating food from two different restaurants

at the same time when I'm drunk but I will still do the get buzzed and be like oh I'm good to drive I still do that too often I haven't, man it's been years since I, to a fault almost I won't, if I have half a beer I'm just like well I can't even man, it's been years since I, I'd like to a fault almost. I won't like if I have half a beer, I'm just like, well, I can't,

can't even touch keys to a car. Uber has changed everything. Yeah. Uber did change it. Dude. Even so you go back, I go back home and they have it now. So I'll be like, yeah, I'll get us a car. And everyone's like, well, no, we're going to, we can, we can just drive.

We have cars here. So don't worry about it. I'm like, well, the way back. And they're like, well, yeah, yeah. What's the, what are you talking about? It's just, it's just wild to fools. People have this thing of like, oh, well no, it's, it's scary. I don't know. Like, I

don't, I don't want to do it. And I'm like, I get it. Download the app. We'll do the first ride. I'll be in the car with you. Like I'll, we can do it on your phone. You know, I get it with women, you know what I mean? But if a guy doesn't want to do like, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. it's weird. Shit's wild, man. It's fucking weird.

That was one of the main lies that I told myself back in the day. I drive better when I'm drunk. Well, RIP that lie. David Boyd, time for your first pick. Oh. I don't want to. Nah. I'm going to try which one I want to start out with. Oh, nobody can tell I'm pretty try which one I wanna start out with oh

nobody can tell I'm pretty drunk yeah very similar yeah it's very and it's just like hey do I

like do I seem like drunk drunk or like drunk or just like you know when you're in a situation that you shouldn't you know you have no business

being drunk oh for sure you try to do that shit where like right before you and then you're just like trying to try to like say like little riddles to get yourself through it thicky kick flips cakey or whatever you know I just do a lot of hard breathing in those. Yeah.

Yeah. Like I'm just going to get all the alcohol out of my lungs. And it doesn't do anything. No. It's so fucking stupid. Do you ever say

the answer to a question you think you might get asked when you walk in? Like what are you even up to? Oh no, I just been chilling. When you're walking up you're like,

oh yeah, no, I'm just taking it easy chilling at the crib. Yeah. Watching the game. Watching the game. Watching the game. The San Diego Padres prevailed in their game.

Was just out on a walk. I was on a walk. Just out on a walk in the neighborhood. I was on a promenade in the suburban neighborhood. Promenade in the suburban. I encountered a raccoon. Chevrolet Tahoe parked in the cul-de-sac. I was slamming vodka in the parking lot.

Oh, wait, no. Shit. You know. They know. Everybody knows. I was sucking whiskey out of a bar rag. Yeah. Holy crap. Yeah, that one is never it's always when i try to go to like that third location oh yeah or what you know what i mean when it's like chicken wing night it's chicken wing like when you know you know when your night is over before your friend's night yeah yeah i just all of us

you're great at it i'm getting better at it but for so long i would just be like nope we're just gonna go to this other party nobody's gonna know and i'd be at a party i kind of i chilled on it a lot when i moved down to la because people don't get drunk like that anyways then you go to a party with somebody who like maybe wants to book you or just like not a party where you're supposed to be wasted at yeah i'm just like bleary-eyed talking about whatever the fuck I'm talking about. I remember we went at the Emmys. I think we could steal that car.

Yeah. You know what I mean? David, we couldn't steal the car. And you're like, fuck, you have stolen cars. And then you're mad at them all of a sudden. Yeah, it's weird. We had when we went to the big Emmys last year, we had like a party beforehand with an open bar. Tricky.

And like everyone got super hammered. Yeah. But like I got, like I hadn't eaten that, and I was like in a tux. Oof. So you later that night. Yeah. It's only later that night. Yeah.

Looking pretty drunk. I was so drunk, but I was sitting there like, oh shit, I'm like surrounded by people, like industry people. Yeah. Like, oh my God, what am I doing? Yeah. That's not like, it's Yeah, like you're not supposed to. What am I doing? Yeah. That's not like, it's because it's not a party. No.

Like you think it's a party, so you're like, who's getting wasted? Yeah. How many centrals buying? It's not that kind of party. Yeah. I mean, they are buying, but they're also all here. And lots of people are getting wasted, but. Yeah.

For me personally, I don't want to be that guy. Yeah. That's a perfect one. Nobody can tell I'm drunk tell I'm pretty drunk. I went on a date recently and I had like thought I was just grabbing a drink with this woman. And so beforehand I like had it because I was really nervous. Even your boy Karmz gets nervous. Everybody gets nervous, man.

I had a few drinks. Not a few. That's like three. But I had like a drink and a half maybe here before i went and then just to loosen it up just to loosen it up and it hit me a little harder than i thought and i showed up like shit oh shit oh she's gonna be able to know i don't think she did we had a wonderful time but uh yeah it was just the whole time i was like oh no she knows how drunk i am yeah and then that fucks with your head your voice is is louder all of a sudden. Yeah. You're like, why am I yelling?

Yeah, I'm actually from Beaverton. That's what I think was stand-up. Because if I drink, if I ever drink before I do stand-up, I'm always like, the second I walk out, I'm like, they're going to know. Oh, doing stand-up drunk sucks. Before I go out, I'm like, they're never going to know I got this. And the second I get in front of people, I'm like, of course they're going to know. You're drunk.

I don't know when I lost that either. Cause I used to be the champ at getting drunk and doing, I'd do good sets. But were they? Sometimes. Yeah. I've had some pretty great sets drunk. I love murder drunk. But then like, it's just like over time, it's just because now I can't, I just like, especially

doing long sets. I just, I just can't do it drunk, man. Yeah. I can't do it drunk. Well, Yeah, I can't do it drunk. It's not fun. Maybe it used to be fun. Loose tongue. Yeah. And I start getting off track and then I can't get on track and then I'm just bummed. I'm like, I shouldn't

be drunk. That's always like, what am I doing? Yeah. And then I'm dead in the water. Time for my first two picks as it is a serpentine draft. With my first pick, I'm dead in the water. Time for my first two picks, as it is a serpentine draft. With my first pick, I'm going to take,

I'll save this half a sandwich for later. Damn it. I do that with every piece of food I get. I will put it just to bring it out. I'll put the second half of an order of whatever it might be, Taco Bell or something. I'll just throw that in the fridge.

And then 10 minutes later, Zach's in bed, you're in bed. I'm like, I'm going to go eat that. Yeah, what's the difference? It's going in. It's fucking there. It's floating in the temple. Yeah, not floating. It says on the bag not to let it go till sunrise.

Yeah. You know who saves it for- Taco Bell, by the way, you shouldn't. No, you really should. You do, I know, but- Yeah, I learned the hard way. I've woken up to go to work and there's Taco Bell in by the way, you shouldn't. No, you really should. You do, I know, but. Yeah, I learned the hard way. I've woken up to go to work and there's Taco Bell in the fridge

and I'm like, you fucking shine on you crazy diamond. You know who will save the second half of that sandwich for later for you? The store. The store. That's the only place that'll do it. The only place that's safe. That closed, barred windowed store.

I was in Tacoma once and doing the Tacoma Comedy Club back in the day. And the only thing that was really open was a Subway whenever I got there. So I went to the Subway

and I bought like three sandwiches. One for each of y'all. One for each of y'all. Three sandwiches. I understand the mentality. I was thinking like, I'm going to buy them now. I'm going to put two of them.

I'll eat one now. I'll put two of them in the fridge. And then I just like, and then it was like four or five hours until showtime. And I just sat in my hotel two of them in the fridge and then I just like and then it was like four or five hours till show time and I just sat in my hotel ate one of the sandwiches and then sat there while probably

diners drive-ins and dives plays on the TV with me just staring at the fridge like I might just have another half of one and then by the time the show I had eaten three Subway sandwiches just out of,

just because they were there and I was bored. Yep. Hotels will do that to you. Hotels will fuck you up. Yeah. Oh, man. And also in that,

in Tacoma, you're in a nice, like, Hotel Monaco or whatever. It was a nice hotel. It's like a nice-ass hotel and you're like, I fucking,

I earned it. I got this. There's no reason I shouldn't be eating these. I'll eat 45 cents of meat that I paid $6 for on this bed. Yeah. It's garlic parmesan, or it's got the cheese on the bread, so I don't want it to get bad.

It's got a touch of class, yeah, to it. You know, it's more of a brioche than anything, if we're being honest. That is one of the, that was not on my list, and that is one that I'm upset about. It is a lie. I tell myself all the time. I'll probably tell myself

right after this podcast with Buffalo Wings. Yeah. That, where I'm like, I'll put a couple in the fridge and they go in there. Housed. So I'll save this

half a sandwich for later. Big fucking lie. I tell myself all the goddamn time. Big fucking lie. And then somewhat related to that is diet starts on Monday. You motherfucker.

Yeah. Shit. God damn. I gotta fucking add all these pics on the floor. Oh yeah. Of course. diet starts on Monday. You motherfucker. Yeah. God damn. I got to fucking add all these pics on the floor. Oh yeah. Diet starts on Monday. It is because you're a mad dog at now. Cause I'm going to come Monday.

I'm a Christian. Let me eat these three Subway sandwiches now. Exactly. Diet starts on Monday is more dangerous than I'm just going to be a garbage can all the time because diet starts on Monday encourages you to like, like, well, let's fucking pull out all the stuff. Of course, we're going to post-mate the ice cream. Diet starts on Monday. That's great.

I have a thing on my wall, on my door that says, handmade. I do it. It says it starts today and has monday through friday and everything i'm going to do to work out and uh it i started coloring it in and the pen died yeah and it's like halfway done uh and i just i've never worked i've now left it up there because i was like that's a perfect it starts and then it just fizzles out it's just not even done and I have not done any of the working out it's like

perfect it's perfect that just makes it yeah exactly yeah it's just everything's gonna start on Monday it all starts on Monday which doesn't make any sense no it might as well just start right now yeah your body doesn't know it's Monday yeah nobody only only you

in the five fingers of tequila you're drinking right now or whatever, no. All your liver knows is that it's pissed. It has no idea what day it's pissed on. Yeah. Yeah, it starts, oh, God, yeah, that's shit. Because it's so much easier to just, like, not spiral out of control. Yeah, yeah.

Than it is to, like, put it all on one day. Cause even if it does start on Monday, you feel so good about Monday. You're like on Tuesday. You're like, well, you know, I killed it yesterday.

Yeah. And boomer bust is no way to run an economy. Yeah. Like oil fields in Texas. If you fucking like go all out on a Sunday, then you wake up feeling like shitty on Monday morning. Like I did today, yesterday,

you know, I was in Vegas all weekend. Wonderful time. Paul McCartney, if you get a chance. Oh my God. I cried. Yeah. Oh yeah. Uh, but like, you know, I was, I was in Vegas and then yesterday I get home and I like have like, not a crazy meal, but I had some like Chinese food, got really stoned. I actually didn't go as crazy as I could have. But like this morning I woke up like, I'm like, you had so much salt last night. Oh my God, my face. My face was all puffy. You know what I mean?

Like I look like a pillowcase full of like whipped cream. That puffy face, the older you get, the worse it is too, man. It was so bad. I was like, you look 60, you motherfucker. And so it was like a real, thank God I didn't have work today because it was a real chore to like get myself up and like to go to bed. Or no, to go to the gym, I mean.

And now I feel amazing, but like, holy shit. Yeah, it's much better to just try to run it as consistently as possible. Or just like have positive habits. You know, we're all learning. We are. That's how I found. Learning, growing, sharing, caring, killing.

Sean with the knife. Damn. Yeah, dude, it took a turn. Sean? No, it's me. It's not your turn. Don't, don't. You look like you were gonna go. I'm just looking.

I'm looking at the list. David Boyer, it's time for your second pick. I don't have to pee that bad. I can just go back to sleep. That's so good. I told myself that lie every... Every fucking day, dude. Every fucking day, yeah, yeah. Because you just...

Especially... So, I'll do it tonight. I'll go to bed 10.30. Oh, yeah. I'll wake up at like 3. I'll do it tonight I'll go to bed 10 30 oh yeah I'll wake up at like 3 and be like alright it's going to wake me up that's the thing it wakes you up you ever have dreams where you peed in the dream

and then you wake up and you're like well fuck I didn't pee at all and then you're just like that problem is like you're so comfortable and you're so sleepy you've never been that, that problem is like, you're so comfortable. Yeah. And you're so sleepy. You've never been more comfortable. Yeah. And no matter how close your bathroom is, it's not close enough.

No matter what. It could be leaning over the side of the bed next to you. Exactly. Like, no, I'm going to be awake. My new place, my bathroom is connected to my bedroom. Still too far. Yeah. I'm in a pretty good situation.

Yeah. You can, you're right there, but it's still just too far. Because it's getting out of bed. What about you're camping oh that's when you actually when there's like a to-do about yeah you have to put your clothes on get up put pants on either go to where the bathroom is or more realistically wander far enough away from my tent that no one's gonna get mad at me and hopefully i'm not pissing on someone else's tent and that's especially when you're camping it's always when you like that's when it's the loudest piss oh yeah you know what i mean oh yeah it sounds like now i got a fire hose my shit was trickling out whatever you other dudes were watching yeah right now it's a fucking like

trying to break up a protest oh yeah call the dogs on that piss it's silent it lasts the longest piss you've ever had everybody's like Jesus is he okay people sell

postcards of your piss stream and then the one time you do it like right outside the tent and there's just like a wicked fart you didn't even know was gonna happen it just comes out and you're like everybody heard that girl in the tent that I'm with yeah that pee thing it's like

I don't know what it is you think at this point in time I'd learn to not drink water late at night or some shit. No, but you got to drink it. It's good for you. You should. You know what's fucked up?

Right now, I'm telling myself that I'm going to be able to get through this round without having to pee, and it's not true. I just am continually lying to myself about piss. It's weird, but I've gotten to the point where I'm like, just go pee, and I do now. Yeah. When as soon as I start to feel it, I'm like, actually go to the bathroom. i'm like just go pee and i do now yeah when as soon as i start to feel it i'm like actually go to the bathroom i still hold it off until that last and then and then what because the longer you hold it your body knows when it's getting there

so then you get there you gotta like you gotta whip that thing out or else it's going everywhere well the front of my penis popped off flew intow into the toilet. That's why I go. Just shut up. Just shut up like a cork. I don't know what's going to happen. Big old flesh colored Hershey's stick. I held it too long and it just popped right off. It was in the toilet.

I had to fish it out. Then all the piss just poured out of my dick. Like an open bottle of wine. Like somebody who was shotgunning a beer wrong. It just flew. We're talking about too much. I really do got to go pee right now. There's that.

Dude, I have to use an outhouse porter potty at work. Yeah. Because I do construction out in the goddamn sun, which is already so gross. It's not. It's tough. Really? No, the porter potty. Oh, the porter potty is gross.

Yeah, yeah. It's out baking in the fucking sun all the time. And for a long time, we had it, unfortunately, kind of out to the public. Yeah. And we're in a weird part of Los Angeles. So who knows what was going on in there? Oh, people be in there. They broke off the lock to get in there like multiple times.

And so we just kept the lock off because it was like, whatever. I've had to pee that bad. So now we've moved the thing in but we keep it like hidden so you have to we like drill wood like a hatch over this thing oh yeah okay but it's still gross on drill it every day yeah yeah so but it's still very gross so in your brain it's like i'm not going there unless i absolutely have to so i've been in the situation where it's like oh my god i'm going i'm an adult and i'm about to piss my pants in the middle of the day i'm not drunk or anything i don't want to go into this hot shit prison just because i've waited too long and i like literally i have to go right now and i'm like running to the

bathroom and then we'll get like most of the way there and be like, no, I need to go get the screw gun and like run back. Oh, no. And it's like, dude, because you've already given up. You already made the decision that you're going to go. Right, you made the bargain with your penis. I gave you 15 seconds, buddy. Exactly. Give me 15 seconds.

And now it's like, nope, nope. I need two more minutes, like a full two minutes. Because this is going to be a whole thing. And I have to move a full plywood sheet of wood, which is going to take like an effort and i'm gonna have to flex my stomach i need to go get the screw gun oh god dude and it was so now i don't fuck around anymore it's like if i gotta go i go right now yeah i don't care what will happen along the way yeah you gotta like also those weird they have one of those like the urinal in the side of the oh yeah whatever porta potty and i wait so long that when i go it's like truly relief and i'm

like eyes closed head back like oh yeah yeah and the sound goes like it has to trickle through and then trickled back into the like it's like double trickle so it will continue the noise continues long after i am done peeing but it's will like fuck with my head because i'm not paying attention yeah if i'm done or not whoa i can't explain it fully i know it's like a phantom wait am i done because it sounds exactly and it like makes my feet feel weird. I can't describe it. It's like everything gets weird. It like is so disorienting to not know if you're done peeing or not.

It's very confusing. But anyway. That's amazing. I don't fuck around now with peeing. I go as soon as I have to. Good call. Sean, now it is your turn for your second pick. Yeah, yeah.

It's weird because my girlfriend, she doesn't even like flowers. So no big deal. Oh, yeah. It's weird because my girlfriend, she doesn't even like flowers, so no big deal. Oh, wow. One of those. Does she? Yeah, of course. Yes, everybody does.

I like flowers. Exactly. And I should say my partner doesn't like flowers. You say that? You do that a lot? I did. I've reformed on these first two.

Okay, okay, okay. It was a big, yeah, I don't, I obviously don't tell myself I'm better when I drive drunk anymore. Oh, yeah. No, I knew that. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It was a, it was a big, yeah, I don't, I obviously don't tell myself I'm better when I drive drunk anymore. Oh yeah. No, I knew that. Yeah. Yeah. But I did, you know, cause people will say like, no, I'm not, I don't have a car. You're right. People say, no, it's cool. They don't even like flowers. Everybody likes flower gifts or whatever, but flowers is the one that sticks out or was like, no, they think flowers are a waste of money. Just like I do.

Yeah. Or they love getting them. And now I love sending them. And I actually like flowers. I've never gotten flowers. You hear that, Laura? No, she didn't. You hear that, the general? The general might have heard that.

What if he sent you flowers? That'd be nice. That'd be crazy. We'll have a talk with him in about two weeks. Right? Why don't you send me fucking flowers? Why? Because you're in the military? That's the talk we're going to have about him sending me flowers. I'll send you some on your grave. Sean has to tell him he's

pregnant. That the general's pregnant? That Sean's pregnant. With the general's baby. It's a whole butt knuckle. Tangled web we weave, my friend. How exciting. With the general's baby. He's pregnant. Yeah. It's a whole butt knuckle. Tune in. AFE's turning into a soap opera. Tangled web we weave, my friend.

How exciting. Yeah. Congratulations on that, by the way. I appreciate it. Boy or girl? We don't know. We're going to wait. Whatever color the cake is, you know, good work.

Cakey. Big flips. Cakey. Cakey thick flips. Yeah, flowers are wonderful. They brighten up any environment. You know, I wouldn't mind if you brought some home every now and then. Just kidding.

I mean, how much do I have to fucking do around here? Sorry. To get some fucking flowers on the table. You know, it's like I keep a home. Mm-hmm. You know? What, that fresh cut? Those fresh cut flowers.

I provided you a coffee table for you to set them on. I even have a vase with water in it. I have several different vases, or you could put them in the bong. Zach got when he broke our reasonable bong. I wouldn't even mind that. They wouldn't last very long. You know, when you play a video game and like,

you're like, you're like in a, you're playing a shooter and you go into a situation where you should probably just have like a machine gun, but you have like a bazooka for some reason. Yes. And you're like, I guess I'm going to try to you have like a bazooka for some reason. Yes. And you're like, I guess I'm going to try to beat this with a bazooka.

That's like what our bong is. It's like. I agree. Yeah. It's a fucking rocket launcher. You need to try to beat not being stoned with a bazooka. It is hilarious. And you do,

you win stuff. It feels like overkill, but whatever. I've never seen anyone lose when they play with that. Everybody wins. Yeah. I've had a couple different people say like, I think like, yeah,

a couple different people who like, or like, I don't think I've ever smoked out of a bong before. And I'm like, well, I'll tell you. You can try starting on this one. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

That's a, that's, that's expert. It's got three percolators. Yeah. Two percolators. Yeah. One percolator. What's a three chambers. Three chambers.

36 chambers. It's got three chambers. It's a Wu-Tang. It's got one percolator, three chambers. What's a percolator? That's the part where the water... Like filters the water into the different chambers. Read a fucking book, dude. That's what makes it bubble.

That's what makes it bubble, Doc. I've been not reading. Read a book, bro. Alright, no. Chris, time for your second and third picks, as it is. Holy fuck. Yeah. Okay, well. As it is. Holy fuck.

My second one will be, oh, I can spend this money because I'll just make food at home for the rest of the week. Oh, man. I've never done that once. It doesn't get better. I've never followed through on that promise to myself one time and I've been doing it since I was

16 probably only when I literally had to yeah even though I actually have no money what do you do? I just figure it out man I'm just like fuck it I'm just like fuck it I'll just do eating spaghetti that week. I just fuck. I'm just like, fuck it.

I will figure it out. I'll just do. I don't know. I don't know what I do. Yeah. I just fucked. That's why my life is how it is now. Sure, sure, sure.

Because I've done that too many times. You know? Pacing yourself outside of an outhouse. Yes. Yeah. Just no working construction being like, well, if I had saved any of the money that I've made in my life i wouldn't have to do this right now but instead i love eating out and i'm going to do that

yeah that's right very good at it or but or dudes you know you can eat a butt out anybody you can eat anything yeah armpit out if you want to i'm not picky i'm very good at it. Like I said. Yeah, man. I have, but I just don't know. Literally, only when it's been forced. I've gone to Winco, and then I have no money, so it's like,

I guess I'm just going to eat all these wet turkey. Which is good. I like it. A bunch of microwaved hot dogs. A bunch of girl ham. Hot dogs is a good feeling cheap food it is yeah well what i'll do to i'll just push whatever it is like oh i guess it just rents gonna be late oh yeah yeah yeah i guess that's just how it's gonna be just my cell phone

will just shut off yep yeah i've been there for sure stupid shit where i just push it anyway well it's like well i'll just do it i just do that constantly i've done that for so much especially when i had like no money no money it would just be like yeah i need to eat more than i need a cell phone right yeah so it's just gonna be that's just how it is right now and i do that shit god i'm the worst at it yeah that is that's do you not like cooking period no i really enjoy it i just i know it doesn't make any sense i enjoy it i like what i just don't want to you don't want to start it i guess because whenever i cook something i've been trying to cook a lot more for myself recently and like after you cook it you're like yeah of course yeah this is what i should always be doing i think the main thing actually is lunches while i'm at work

i don't want to fucking make a lunch. You don't want to bring a, like a, like a lunchbox or a brown bag, have it sit in the sun all day. Right. So you don't want to make it lunch before work too. I'm going to sleep.

And then there's the whole thing like, well, you could just make it before you go to bed and you're like, no, that's never right. Put it in the fridge and then grab it. It never happens. We already know we're going to go eat it later that night.

If we do that, right. Establish that. You turn, turn the ingredients into half a sandwich. It never happens. We already know. We're going to go eat it later that night if we do that. Right. Establish that. If I turn the ingredients into half a sandwich, it's going to fucking gain. And you end up buying the lamest shit because you're like, well, then who cares?

I'll just have this turkey sandwich every day this week. Oh, yeah. And you do that. It just sucks. It sucks. So then you end up eating out for lunch and then I fuck myself

because I'm like, I'll just come out to dinner tonight too. And that's I end up really fucking yeah and you're like whatever it's three bucks extra you know what I mean like yeah yeah I do want extra pork belly of course I do come on and mcconnasur you knew that when I walked in yeah if I had a dollar for all the extra pork belly I've bought if I could save a dollar on every time I've bought extra pork but what I'm saying is go to OI Asian Fusion. That shit is delicious. That is so good.

Right by my old house. Oh God. It's wild. You had some the other day. You loved it. I did. That place in my house, the Korean, they had the over rice. It was great.

Pork belly. Okay. I think I'm on my third pick. And it goes right in with this one that we just said. It goes, ties in very well, but it can go across the board for many other things, which is it's okay. I deserve this. That is a, that is, that is a hard one. There's no, I didn't earn that treat. I never earned that. Oh yeah. Never deserved three tall boys. Very rarely do I deserve a deli bar.

Exactly. I come up with the lamest excuses. Oh, come on. Treat yourself. I've never deserved it. I have four accomplishments. That means I should have gone out to dinner four times in my life. I wonder if the people who save it for that really enjoy it more.

If they're like, I have an ice cream sundae once a year on my birthday. I have an ice cream sundae three times in a week. Those are the people that are when they're old. I have an ice cream sundae Monday, Tuesday. Those are the old people that are still like, oh, I'm going to have some ice cream. They're all excited because they waited their whole life and now they've treated themselves. When I have ice cream, I'm like, here we go again. Fucking this bullshit. Can you put some vegetables

in there? Some rhubarb or something? Doesn't edamame go in ice cream somewhere? I've pretty much just given up on ice cream and only do shakes now because I just want to drink it. I don't even want to eat it anymore. Just get it in my body. Exactly.

You don't even want to lick the code anymore. I just want to close my lips and suck it to sweet freedom. Exactly. A lot of times it's too cold. With gambling, they say you get addicted to the losing, not the winning. Exactly. Yeah, it's like you're eating, drinking milkshakes. You just want to feel bad after.

Drinking milkshakes late at night is my gambling. And baby, the house always wins. That reminds me of Ben Crononsberg joke from back in the day with the jalapeno poppers. Also double as an alarm clock. A lot of people don't know that. Because you're gambling, baby. It will wake you up every time. It will sure do.

Then you have to go and like not really take a shit, but sit on the toilet. Oh, man, I had to do that the other day. It hurts. Fear farts? I made, I think I just made, I made three bratwursts in the air fryer. And then woke up and

just had to like, was just I got a squatty potty too and now I'm just, I'm just waiting for it to come down. You're perched up there like a gargoyle. Yeah. It's like when you're in trouble, it's like when you got in trouble and you're just waiting for your mom to come home.

Just open the fucking door. Damn it. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. I deserve this. It's equally bad. If you say it in a bad way,

like it's okay. I deserve it. First you were. Yeah. I do that. It's equally bad. If you say it in a bad way, like it's okay. I deserve. Yeah. I do that on both sides of the thing. Cause also like it's both sides of the ice cream. My, my bar is so low. Like I could do one thing and then take two things that I deserve.

Yeah. And it's like, what are we doing here? It's more dessert than dinner. Yep. Yeah. That's more dessert than dinner. Yep. That's a classic. Classic sharpened tear move. Sean, your third pick?

I actually think whiskey tastes good. Oh! I actually enjoy the taste of it. This isn't really like a chore for me. I'm just out here kind of drinking. You know those hot days where you just slam a glass of whiskey? I'd be drinking this anyways. Hot whiskey days!

I love that you said that. Because I know you very well. And you drink whiskey all the time. And I'm like, how can you fucking drink that shit? It tastes disgusting. And that's how. That you go, oh, I like this. I like the way it tastes.

You're just doing it right now. Yeah, I'm just that kind of dude. This fucking liar. I think that like sometimes. Taking a nice tall, cool sip of whiskey. This scoundrel, he's lying right to our faces. Your face doesn't purse up at all. I love him.

I will say sometimes, though, you like the bite. Oh, yeah. It's like you ever been hurt in a way that felt good? Sure. It's like that. It's like sometimes you want to punch somebody but you also want to get punched yeah yeah he's getting punched bbsm sure i like getting punched to find or like any sort i like getting hurt to find out that i can take it i didn't yeah that's like when you find out that it's like oh yeah that sucked but it didn't kill me scotch is is good. Scotch can be good.

I don't think any liquor tastes good. Like a smoky, interesting flavor? I don't know if good is the right word. I'm with you with smoky and interesting. Some of it doesn't taste bad. We've had good wine. Good wine. I'll agree with wine, but that's about it.

I just... For alcohol. I think even beer is gross i do too maybe tequila would be another one like those dudes like i love a i love a nice tequila i like i exclusively drink it and i hate the way it tastes i like i like tequila better than whiskey no me too yeah but i like i like the walk i like where we end up but i don't like walking there you know sure like i like to be at the americana but I don't like walking there. Sure. I like to be at the Americana, but I don't want to army call on glass. I will say sometimes, especially with beer, I like the taste of beer.

You do? On a hot day, man, if it's hot out, I'd rather either have a cold shit American beer or water. That's really all I want. The best beer I've ever had was after helping someone move on a super hot day. Yeah. And then somebody pulled up with like some whatever. It's like Coors Light. It was like, this is amazing.

That's how I feel about it. Because American beer doesn't taste like LaCroix. But not like an IPA with a heavy lunch. No, or like a fat tire. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That sounds like a breakup. I don't even particularly... I fucking hate an IPA with a heavy lunch.

I've started to notice this lately. I noticed this the other day when we went to, where did we go to? PJ Calamities? The Yard House. Yard House. When we went to the Yard House. I don't know what you did after the Yard House. We went to PJ Calamities.

David and I went to PJ Calamities. Yeah, we went to PJ Calamities. I fucking, I don't know how much, I don't think I like pairing alcohol with food even and that's how I know it's not that great no I'm not a fan of it wine again well wine goes with certain food red wine I can't handle it

shout out to Mignon place downtown me and my girlfriend will go there and get charcuterie boards Chris charcuterie tier. You just let them pick. They're like straight off the boat from France. Like hysterical sounding.

It's called Mignon? Yeah. And they're like the people that work there, their accents are like, they almost sound like it's over the top. Like that being with you? Yeah. And we just let them pick everything.

It's like, just give me the good. I got a hundred bucks. This is a girl. Exactly. Usually people just let this pick that for them. Then let us pick their cheese and their wines. And it's like, yes, pick my cheeses for me. I'm surprised the cigarette didn't sprout out of your fingers right there.

Don't pick my cheeses for me Don't pick my cheeses for me. Please pick my cheeses for me. Cover my body in butter. I want you to grease me down with lard. Cover me in your finest lard. Loud. Loud. Yeah, Mignon. It's the fucking best. And they give you great wine. cover me in your finest lard. Lard. Lard.

Yeah, mignon. It's the fucking best. And they give you great wine. I don't, that's the only time that I like wine. Place me down with lard. Lard. Lard. Lard.

Lard is the funnest word to say in a French accent. Without a doubt. Lard. Lard. What about Rebecca Romain Stamus? Rebecca. That's pretty fun. Rebecca.

Rebecca. Two thirds of the way through that, I did not know what you were saying. Rebecca Romain Stamus. That is fun. I can't even do it. I've lost the French accent. Stamus.

The game. Did I ever tell you my dad over... It's kind of like i just said the game the game my dad over way overly pronounces the kevin matumbo's name in an effort to be like accurate oh that's really yeah and i'll be like you know who's great with that to kevin matumbo he's like oh oh you mean and i'm like i couldn't even do his voice and say it right at the same time. It's that taxing on my brain. Oh, you mean Daikinbe Mutombo? You know what's just as weird?

My dad cannot say the word Mitsubishi. Really? Cannot. What does it come out as? He refuses now, but for a long time, he refuses now. Now he just doesn't even fuck around with it.

Now he won't even put on the show. But for a long time, it was like Mitsubishm. Mitsubashm. It was so funny. Mitsubishm. Yeah.

Mitsubishm. The last time I was looking at cars, he was like, what are you thinking about getting? I was like, I don't know,

maybe an Eclipse. And he's like, not funny. He gets the joke immediately. He doesn't even want to fuck around. Come on. I don't know, maybe an eclipse. And he's like, not funny. He gets the joke immediately. He doesn't even want to fuck around. I don't know. Just don't even bother. He just can't say the word.

That's so funny. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a great dad. Mitsy, Mitsy. Mitsy, Mitsy. Mitsy, Mitsy. I'll get you one of those mushy buses.

Yeah, exactly. Because then he just turns it into a joke every time. But I know he actually can't say it. But he's like, Mitsy, Mitsy, Mitsy, Mitsy. And you're like, know he actually can't say it. He's like, and you're like, yeah, you can't say it. It's too beefy, huh? Missing bossing bossing. Cakey thick flips on the mushy bus.

Cakey thick flips on the mushy bus. That's possible. See ya. Shout out to P-Dex, bro. I was like, uh, David, time for your third pick. My third pick is, that shirt is clean enough to wear

yeah all these stem from me being a dirty man all mine i'm trying to fix it much as well but like it's just you know it's just like yeah especially when you're on the road like now i've learned when you're on the road find a fucking laundry mat or pack 15 pairs of underwear a lot of hotels will do laundry for you too by the way I'm a fucking idiot but yeah oh nobody's gonna know that it's summer time

and I've been wearing this t-shirt for three days that's not okay you gotta respect yourself more than that it's not nice for you either you know what's going on there's a film all over your body

and it's always like I always end up having to go to the nicest shit when I'm dressed the best like when you saw me at that movie premiere those shorts were clean I thought I was just hanging out with it's fucked and it's just like

and you convince yourself it doesn't even smell and it's just not a good way to live your life but that also goes back to like there was a long time where I had seven shirts you had to do it that's why it's such a nice come up

but it is a lie you're telling yourself to cope with that. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. That shirt is not clean enough. No matter how much you like it. Yeah. It doesn't matter if last time you wore it, you kissed a lady. If you're picking it up off the floor.

Yup. Yeah. If you're smelling it to test, then you already know it's not clean enough. I'll shake it out sometimes where I just take it, whip the wrinkles out of it. I'm like, well, I don't know. If you're doing the smell check, is it okay? No, it's not okay. If you're checking it, just get a different clean chair. Yeah, it's just

not worth it. Does it smell like laundry? It's probably not okay. Yeah, exactly. Is it in a drawer or hanging up? Then it's probably not clean. Yeah, I'm getting really... Because that's where your clean clothes come in. I'm getting way better about it though now, lately. Well, you can at least see in the valley. Yeah, it's just not clean. Yeah, I'm getting really... Because that's where your clean clothes come from. I'm getting way better about it, though, now, lately. Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, you at least see in the Valley, no? Yeah, that's like... It's just having more clothes, I guess. Yeah. Because there was a long time where I didn't even have a week's worth of underwear. I probably had seven pairs of underwear. You go on the road for two weeks.

Yeah, and then it's just like... Now that's shit up. Well, then I'd have to do the thing where I'd go like... Five plus four pennies. I'd go seven days, but then maybe I hadn't gotten paid yet or whatever. And then I'd have to do one day where I'd go like, I'd go seven days, but then maybe I hadn't gotten paid yet or whatever. And then I have to do one day free balling and then, and then like get a laundry somewhere somehow or like, you know, Oh God, I used to hate staying at a promoter's house or something

like, Hey, could I use your laundry? And then they're like, and then you got to go and stay in the guest bedroom though. Cause you're literally just naked till your clothes are done. Like, Oh God. Oh God. go and stay in the guest bedroom though because you're literally just naked till your clothes are done like oh god oh god that shit is just I'm taking a lot of L's personally like a lot of embarrassing I'm just picturing

you naked standing in somebody's like guest room waiting for your laundry to be done that's it it's so sad highly effective people trying to play Bejeweled on my cracked virgin mobile phone.

I ran out of minutes. God, I got to top up. Really getting into the seashell art they hung up in there. Yeah, dude. Holding your phone that has to be plugged into the wall to be working. Just like in your head, like someday I'm going to come back to Tulsa

on a golden pony with platinum spurs. I'll be coming back here featuring for sure. This place is going to feature me for sure next time. This is all worth it. A long tail of t-shirts on this pony. As far as the eye can see.

Oh man. But yeah, the shirt thing, that's perfect. Time for my third and then fourth picks. I can see. Oh, man. But yeah, the shirt thing, that's perfect. Yeah. That's real. Time for my third and then fourth picks. As it is. As it is. With my third pick, I'm going to take, I'm going to read more books this year. Yeah.

Classic. Every year I've been alive. Oh, yeah. It could just be, I'm going to read a book this year. Oh, my gosh. And it's so, all's so all joking aside it's it's a pretty feasible thing to do oh yeah oh dude my problem is i'll go through a spat while really like read i'll read like a book and then it'll get me reinvigorated and i'll like start

three and i won't fuck up with it again for nine months and then i'll read the book that i had started i'll finish it and then i'll start two new ones and then i'll read the book that i had started i'll finish it and then i'll start two new ones and then i have no dice ipline when it comes to reading no no dice i get if a book really hooks me i'm like i'm in and i'll read it and then it could be six months until i read another one yep yeah and we're reading stuff all the time like online and articles and stuff like that but like dude oh man i so much trash. That's what annoys me. I'll have like a book about something I want to read and then, no, but I will

read about fucking NBA Youngboy's Twitter antics. Like, what am I, why am I reading this? Twitter is shit. It's so shit. It's a Vulture article about a comedian I don't even care about. Yeah, yeah. Here's a Vulture article that's gonna just make me mad at Vulture

because they suck and it's going to make me hate comedy. It's going to piss me off for no reason. Why don't I read seven of those back to back? Tight. Thanks, Vulture. You fucking suck. Meanwhile, I've never read George Saunders. Yeah.

It sucks, man. Oh, my God. I know. We've got to get better about that. That's a classic. AFV Book Club. That'll be the new watch along. I've read books in my God. I know. We got to get better about that. That's a classic. AFV book club. That'll be the new watch along. Unread books in my room.

People have sent, a fan sent a book called Buck for me to read. And I have not, I got to read it. Yeah. It's crazy that I haven't. Could read a good book too. All right.

Now I read. All right. You know, next time. I guess. Oh yeah. Plenty of great vultures. Sorry. Just like a lot of their comedy shit really irks me. You know, next time I guess a lot of their comedy shit really

hurts. Listen, listen, listen, bro. Some of it's great. Um, critical,

you know, criticism is an important part of every, uh, art. So, you know what I'm

talking about? It's so important. Yeah. art. You know what I'm talking about, though. It's so important. Absolutely. It's very important that we all have. It's very important to have. Two sides of a coin, you know what I mean? For there to be light, there needs to be dark. In art form that has an immediate feedback loop.

It's very important. Some of it's good. Yeah, it's all good. It's all but yeah write us write us up vulture yeah give us a big write-up uh we love you there are some really good people over there uh i'm gonna read more books this year and then uh oh oh i can make this relationship work. Oh boy. Especially when you know from Jump Street you can't. You knew from day four, dude. You knew. You were like, yo, this shit is not going to end well.

No. I'm about to get wrecked. Before the first date, I knew that. Yeah. And you just let that whole shit happen. I did it for four years. Damn, really? Because I kept being like that's gonna happen

yeah i knew i knew it wasn't god i've talked about it on here before but yeah i've the relationship where that woman moved down here and like the whole time i'm like she shouldn't be moving down here yeah we don't yeah she doesn't even like me that much what are we doing yeah yo what is insane what falls in love more six months into the relationship than they were during the first six months? You know what I mean? It's like getting a rocket to the moon. Those first fucking jets got to do a lot of the work.

You know what I mean? They really got to get you. What is that about just being willing to just walk right into the ocean on that? And you see it coming, and you're just getting deeper and deeper and you're like, this is fucked up. This is fucked up. I can't swim.

The tide is taking me. Yeah, dude. That shit's like, I mean, that means, you know, we obviously all try to fight against it, but it happens

to the best of us. It really does. That shit's happened to me for sure. I think the older you get, the less it happens. I think so. You learn what you like

and dislike. It is a mistake often born out of like, you're like, well, I like this person, you know, or whatever. For sure. I can't believe this person likes me. Yeah. Oh, God, that's so true. I mean, that's a big part of it. And then you realize, oh, maybe I don't even like that person that much.

Yes. You know? And then you're like, I hate that person. They're the worst person. And then you're like, no, I'm lying to myself. I love you. I'll never live without you. And then like three years later, you're like, I didn't even.

Yeah. You weren't even kind of cool. How did the pendulum swing so far in either direction? Yeah. Because your dick's out. Probably. It's not even that though. Why would you talk about what's happening right now when Ian's talking about this whole other situation?

Yeah, yeah. We all got our dicks out. No, I mean, it's all good. It's all good, Malcolm. Yeah, I just wanted everyone to see it. It is exciting. It's like the head popped off and I thought it was visual interesting.

It is? Because I didn't... Malcolm had a penis and his head popped off. Because I have to hold a pee for so long. That's what happens. Then all my pee just poured out like a sabered bottle of wine. David, time for your fourth pick.

Hurry up, David. Whoa, dude. Whoa, dude. I like to throw a curveball and be nasty every now and again. Oh, this is me. I'll clean it up in the morning. Oh, boy. Dog. nasty every now and again oh this is me i'll clean it up in the morning oh boy dog yeah especially now that i got the spot i can't be doing that because i won't yeah and then it'll compound

you just gotta just do it especially like i'm by myself but i'll like cook myself dinner and be like okay and it's like nah man just like make it make it's easier to clean a little bit every day than it is to fucking, you know, run a train on those cleaning products once a month. That was a weird use. I know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. Maintenance is better than like a complete rebuild. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, you want to be the Spurs from 1998 to about 2016. Exactly. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Right? Exactly. Exactly. There's little spots here and there. I'm real big on, I like to have a good chill space, like a clean chill space.

But it took years to be that way. Oh, yeah. We used to have pizza boxes for weeks in our living room. Oh, dude. You don't even. We'd use them for other shit. Like, we'd cook steaks on the floor and bring it out and put it on the pizza box.

Absolutely, yeah. We're just like, carry it on the knife and the fork, put it on the plate. It's green. It used to be a pizza box. Actually, it's green. We saw, somebody saw a rat in the back bathroom at Sylvan House,

and we just stopped going to that bathroom. Like, yeah, that's the rat's room the way we see it so that's like what really got a shit and then you'll drag the door you like that rat's got to be like only barely pays less rent than me so yeah exactly fucking and it's like but that house was like there was 12 dudes we needed that other bathroom yeah yeah you just open the door and the rat's like the size of a dog not even everybody saw it one guy saw it spencer saw it and then we were just like all right well we were we just stopped going in there you ever take the trash out and then surprise yourself with like oh yeah you can just do that huh oh dude well here's the other problem or you take the trash out and you're like well our kitchen's pretty big yeah

we would let it back up so much that we would have to do these ninja missions at night to take the trash out and put it in everybody else's cans because we hadn't done it for a month. Like, dude, that man. Yeah, as far as when I was younger living dirty, I was, I lived on a broken couch that lots of other people had sex on. Sure.

Regularly. We used to do that in college. We had a garbage corner of the kitchen and then I would steal those big industrial grocery bags from Hy-Vee where I worked. We'd pile all the garbage in there and kitchen and then I would steal those big industrial grocery bags from Hy-Vee where I worked. We'd pile all the garbage in there and then Adam and I would go to the frat house behind our house and just like throw it in the dumpster.

Got busted a couple times. A couple times? Yeah. They chase you? That's hilarious. A couple times, but you know, what are they going to do? Yeah. Frat war. That's so funny. Yeah, a trash corner where we would just have all the garbage in the corner of the kitchen. Oh, yeah. Just an open corner, loose garbage, nothing, no bag, just we would throw it in the corner.

And then we'd set a base down with like pizza boxes or like egg cartons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course, you were still, you're not animals. Or just like food, like leaving food in the fridge unopened back in the day. Oh, yeah. I still do that. It just got more out of busyness than anything. But yeah, yeah, I do it.

It's my fucking fridge too. You bought it. This is Southern California. My big dick. I, yeah, no, it's so funny because that specifically I cleaned up right before I came here because I was like I'm going to come there and then we're probably going to get at Wings and we're probably going to go to Charlene's thing

and I'll get back like late and I was like nope just do it before you leave dude just do it and now I'm going to go home and it's going to be nice and I'm happy time for my fourth pick. Yeah. Tickets go away after seven years.

That's a big lie that I've told myself. Speeding tickets, seatbelt tickets, skateboard tickets, any sort of ticket that you get goes away after seven years. Is there a time it goes away? I don't know. I've had some shit. I've been arrested quite a few times over tickets that did not go away.

Yeah, I have too, but I've also had some shit like, I mean, maybe like I had a drinking public intox ticket in San Francisco that I got right after I moved there that is just gone. Also, I got a drunken public in Oklahoma that as far as I can tell is gone. I got a punk and drub look in the same city at the same time, actually. What was that? No effects? Yeah.

Yeah? Hell yeah. Nice. Yeah, I just feel like that was a big lie that I told myself where tickets don't actually go away. I feel like I've been arrested for all the tickets that I didn't pay. And then I ended up paying them in jail. Yeah. Yeah, that's how they do it. You feel like I've been arrested for all the tickets that I didn't pay. And then I ended up paying them in jail.

Yeah, that's how they do it. You feel like that, or you were? I don't know. I mean, I still feel... Did you get arrested for not paying tickets? Multiple, but I feel like there's tickets that... I feel like there's more tickets that I haven't paid. So you feel like you're still

coming out on top in this situation, is what you're saying? Yes. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I still feel like there's tickets from years out on top in the situation is what you're saying. Yes. Okay. Yeah. And I still feel like there's tickets from years. I remember getting a seatbelt ticket when I came into California. Yeah. When I was like 20 driving my Sentra and I never, I never paid it. Parking ticket I never paid. I bet you that shit's gone, dude.

Well, I wonder, I don't know. There's a really easy way to, you know. Yeah. Just hop in. I mean, you know, for the sake of a fun podcast, that's I feel like that's a fun lie that I tell myself. Sure. Pretty serious one, though. Also one that I don't know the answer to.

It's like, are you lying to yourself or are you accidentally right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. You could be accidentally right. It's so hard for me to think that things just go away. Offer your credit report that shit does after like, collections go off after like seven, eight, nine years or some shit like that. So buck.

Otherwise, my shit would be like a 240. Like your deadlift. My credit score is my target weight. My credit score would be my 40 time, dude. 5.1. That's a good 40 for a big guy, though.

It might have been a little higher than that. But it was not crazy high. Chris, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Oh, yeah. Okay. This one will be easy. This one's racist. Heads up, everybody.

This one's a little racist. It's not racist if I tell you it's racist first. No. No, no. That's the rule I heard. Then it's a joke. I heard that from a Danish guy. You know what they say about that?

Yeah, you know how they go. They say it didn't smell like a pastry. Okay, let's do this one. All this spicy food won't mess up my butt that bad i can handle this oh this spicy food won't mess up my butt that bad man i do that all the time i can't do it anymore i'm gonna do it in a half hour. I cannot do it anymore. Doesn't that chicken wings mess your butt up? Yeah. Really? It used to be... You eat chicken wings all the time. It used to just be like jalapenos only.

Yeah. I can handle everything else spice-wise, but now it's literally anything. And it's not even that hot. Jalapeno poppers do it every time. Jalapeno poppers? I think that's also the cream cheese for some reason. Yeah, it's dairy and spices. It's the whole thing. It's a terrible, terrible combination. But I'm pretty like... I think I's also the cream cheese for some reason I don't know it's dairy and it's

the whole thing terrible terrible but I thought I'm pretty like I think I've been eating spicy food it doesn't really sometimes some Indian food if I get like a really hot like a like a really hot tiki masala or like a curry or something that'll fuck me up but like other than that I don't really it's not too bad on me I really like spicy food I earnestly enjoy it but every now and then I'll eat something and then you're just sitting on the toilet like again feeling like you have to shit but not shitting

and it just burns so bad where you're like should I go pour milk on my butthole should I give myself a milk enema milk on my butthole I'll put it in my butt. Here's what you're saying. I hope you get so famous that one day you do do that. I'll pour the milk on your butthole and then catch the runoff and sell it on eBay.

Yeah. Buttmilk runoff. Buttmilkrunoff.com. Donate it here. You take it. I appreciate you making that offer, but I will have a milk bidet at that point. But I do appreciate you. It doubles as a cookie station when you're depressed.

So gross. Which is never because I have a milk bidet. Because I have a milk bidet. I'm never depressed. Why do you have a cookie station in your bathroom? Well. It's two parts. because I'm never depressed. Why do you have a cookie station in your bathroom? Well, it's two parts. Korean food will mess you up every now and then.

One I got divorced, but the other I'm rich. That's with the wings. It's the mango hobs and the spicy Korean. It's not all chicken wings. I can't do anything spicy anymore. Nothing at all. It's a real shame. It's because we're sweet boys.

Crab, do you have a sweet boys uh crafty final pick okay final pick um okay we'll go with this one yeah boy i had boy i had so many on oh yeah it's kind of sad because i just found out what the topic was like two hours before i did this and i was like oh here's 50 i sat down to write right before you showed up and have a long list. Yeah. Um, okay. I'm going to go with this one. Uh,

I don't miss home that much. Oh my God. Yeah. Do you ever say that? I don't tell myself. I'm done telling myself. That is a legit. I have to tell myself,

I think so, but I do all the time. Cause you're like, it's so great. Yeah, man. I'm fucking miss Denver. Shout shout out yeah denver is the best yeah i fucking miss it i miss my parents i miss all my friends i miss the comedy works i miss everything i miss going water skiing on the lake i fucking miss the winter even i tell myself that lie a lot but yeah i only miss the winter for like a few days i'm only happy when it rains i we were i miss portland so much but we were just talking about this

where like i miss it and then i go back and then i get my fill real quick weird yeah you miss a time period oh yes for sure but i But it'll always be there for me anyway with my parents. Yeah. It's like I will always miss my parents and my brothers and my nephew. Like, I want to get back for that shit always. That's the only thing I'm sad about when I leave. Like, I go up and I do, like, I go to my favorite restaurants and I hang out with my friends and I hang out with my family.

Go to Sassy's, you know what I mean? Do whatever. And then the only thing I'm ever sad about on that plane, that fucking Sunday flight back to L.A. Boy, that flight. Where you're, like, a little hungover, and you're just sitting there, like, looking out the window, and I'm like, fuck.

The only thing I'm sad about anymore is my family. And friends, but the friends were like family. Yes, exactly. L.A. is also kind of tough to come home to. Yeah. There is something about sometimes I'll come home to. Yeah. Yeah. There is something about, sometimes I'll come home after being on the road for a while and just like for a couple of days,

you get like an inexplicable, like. Oh, yeah. Like right when you get home, you're like, oh, thank God I've been on the road. I'm so tired. But then the next day when you wake up, it's like an inexplicable, I don't know. You're like, where is this place?

Yeah. Why do I not feel happy? place? Why do I not feel happy? Yeah, why do I not feel like I'm at home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah. I agree. Yeah, that's my last one. Yeah, I don't miss home that much. You do. Sean?

Alright, I'll go out. I'm only having one. Oh! I don't even tell that anymore. I still tell myself that that's, that's one of the only ones where I'm like, to this day, I know, I know it's not true.

I'll have zero or a lot, you know, more than one. Yeah. It's never one. Never has been, never will be. Cause what's the point?

Food poisoning would be the only reason it's like, Oh God, I cannot. I can't. Right. I, I, I'm,

I actually, I can have a few, but one is not like, if I'm going to go to a bar, poisoning would be the only reason it's like oh god i cannot i can't right i i'm i actually i can have a few but one is not like if i'm gonna go to a bar i gotta have like two or three just because like we're gonna be there for a while yeah yeah they gotta be closing yeah i'm only gonna get one never saw the point honestly i've never seen the point like it was like i just i'll get a coke or water right if we're going out for one for real. Right. Otherwise, we go ahead and get her done. Yeah. One can shave the edge off like a tiny bit. It can.

And it does it at the airport now. I've had one on the plane before. You know. We were talking about being drunk in places where you feel like you're not supposed to be drunk. Yeah. Yeah. North from whatever.

Now it's like the airport where I'm like, most of these people aren't drunk. Yeah. Right. And sometimes I'm just like a pretty tore up in an airport. I would say 97% of the people at the airport aren't drunk. Yeah. I think that's reasonable. I'm for sure a one and done guy.

I can do that. I'll do it every night. I like having one drink. Oh, I hate it. But I can't, you know, I'll only smoke this one bowl. Yeah. Same difference. I do that one a lot.

I will get baked. Yeah. Yeah. Just the, all right, I'm only going to have one. I'm only having one. I bought some weed today and didn't smoke it in anticipation of getting baked when I get home. Yeah. I love that.

Wow. Yeah. I've never even thought of doing that. Are you serious? No, I'm just, there's no way I could buy weed and then not smoke it immediately. I got it on, I got it on ease. And I just like. I love ease.

Shout out to ease. Yeah, I know. The unpaid sponsorship. You would have to get delivered while I'm not there for that to happen. It got delivered probably like an hour before I left, which was just enough too to be like, I could just get ripped. But then I was like nah just like i like smoking weed when i come home a lot yeah when i smoke weed it sticks with me yeah like if i smoke

at like nine in the morning i will feel it until the next morning when i wake up really even just like residual i will be aware of the metabolism thing too yeah i have such a slow metabolism emma who's got like a crazy fast metabolism she'd'd smoke weed 45 minutes later. She's like, I feel normal again. Yeah. But for me, I'm like, I will know that whole day. Like, so if I get baked at 7 a.m., if I have a set that night at 8, I will feel off, you know?

Wild. Yeah. Yeah. David, time for your final pick. And this one isn't like a... Don't cry for me, Argentina. But this is one that happens just a lot. She's totally into me.

She's feeling my shit. Just misreading a situation because whatever. She was nice. Yeah, she was nice. Or she's just like the only person i think is cool in this situation oh yeah you know what i mean because i don't have like a i talk to everybody but there's not like a ton of people i want to spend my time with sure i've only i've only been wrong a couple times i've been i will say i've been wrong the other way more often than

i've been wrong that way yeah we're like there's no. There's no way she's into me. Oh, I've been wrong both sides a lot. Probably equally on both sides. That's where you want to be, I think. Is it? It's still no man's, because it's still not, we're not making these connections. Well, nobody knows all the time. Yeah, you're right, you're right.

It's just I'm missing them double. Nobody knows all the time. You don't want to be like, oh yeah, everyone's feeling my shit. Like, I don't know. I just feel something unattractive about that. I like the modesty,

but it has to be a real modesty. And also, you know, if someone's feeling your shit, they're feeling your shit. You know. Sometimes people just don't know it though. Did I even say anything right there?

No, you didn't say anything. I feel like I just went in a circle. You just poured a glass of water into a different glass of water than poured that glass of tea on the drink. But it was like, whoa. Look at that.

You don't always know if people are feeling your shit. You don't. You don't. And you don't always, yeah. You just like, I just don't. I don't. That whole side of the game,

I just don't interpret it well. Left or right. Sometimes. And then there's been times where somebody was like, oh yeah, so-and-so was like throwing you uppercuts, just pitching you softballs. And I was like, oh yeah, so-and-so was like throwing you uppercuts, just pitching you softballs.

And I was like, all right, man, go home. You know what I mean? I don't know. You're just not in the mood for it either. Especially in LA, just like in general for what we do, I feel like there's a lot of times people just say stuff that I don't take. People talk so ridiculous in this business anyways

yeah but sometimes somebody when somebody like invites you to want to go do something or something you're like yeah okay sure we'll go see the lilacs yeah we'll do that and then comedy central and i'll do that show that they were so excited about oh cool right you also like Bebe's Kids and want to come over and watch it? Sure. Let me go get some jerky. Fantastic. Yeah. So just the other way. It goes the other way.

Yeah. But totally. Yeah, totally. Just totally just misreading situations. Time for my final pick. And I'm going to take this health thing. It'll probably take care of itself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like that's not an active decision. take this health thing it'll probably take care of itself oh yeah

yeah like that's not an active decision you have to act all the time you have to be on top of that thing I'm much better about it now but back when I was when I first got gout I was like I have to spray it on my ankle a lot for god's sake, you know? I'm spraying my ankle.

Oh, my God. I just keep spraying it over and over and over again. But I don't even know when it happens. It just suddenly starts hurting. Trick ankle, I guess. It's all that athletic shit I'm doing. I was running around last night. That's probably it.

That probably explains the wet cough I've had for two weeks, too. Just a wet, wet Shane Torres waking up of a cough. Oh, great. Oh boy. There has been like, I remember God, like 12 years ago before I moved to Portland,

I started, I'd spit and there'd be blood in it. And I'm like, wow, that's crazy. Right. And I just let it ride for months and then i went to the dentist they're like you needed to come to the dentist yeah thank god you're

here shickling but i thought i was like i'll stop i'll still there won't be blood in there at some point it'll be fine i wasn't spitting blood before why would it say like why would it keep going yeah i'll either die or be fine right either. Either way. I'm so young. Yeah. I can't die. And if I die, it's going to take a while. I have to spit all my blood out.

That's going to take a while. That is a lot of blood. Yeah. I got at least two days in me. No reason to worry about that now. Yeah. But yeah, it's a lie.

I still, every now and then I'll tell it to myself, but only for a little bit. Then I'm like, Oh, it's still happening. Whereas in the past, it would just be like, I'd construct whole fiction,, but only for a little bit. Then I'm like, oh, it's still happening. Whereas in the past, it would just be like,

I'd construct whole fiction, whole fictions. Yeah. Around. And then, but then it went the other way too, where last year I got a sciatic nerve thing from riding in planes for like, you know, 30 hours over a fucking whatever day period. And I had myself convinced it was a embolism.

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. you Google it and you go get it checked out and you're like, oh no, it's just a fucking... I have lower spine cancer. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why WebMD is trash. All that shit is trash. Oh my God. Self-diagnosing is not a good call. No, no, no. Either way. Anyway, yeah. We're reaching our hard out point.

But yeah, that is... Which I didn't even think was going to be an issue, but here we are. Yeah, so this health thing will probably go away. So to recap, Chris, you went first. Chris, whose album is called Brain Thoughts,

available now. Whose podcast is called Sports Bullies. Sports Bullies, the game. The game, available now. Chris, you went first. So you took, I don't smell that much like weed. And, oh, I can spend this money because I'll just make food at home for the rest of the week.

And then it's okay. I deserve this. And then, oh, the spicy food won't mess up my butt. And then I don't miss home that much. Sean, you went second. You took, I drive better when I'm drunk. And then my girlfriend doesn't even like flowers. And then I actually enjoy the taste of whiskey.

And then tickets go away after seven years, right? And then I'm only having one. David, you went third? You took nobody can tell I'm pretty drunk. And then I don't have to pee that bad. I can just go back to sleep. And then that shirt is clean enough to wear. And then I'll just clean it up in the morning.

And then finally, she's totally into me. You sound like asshole. All my vices. I went last and I took I'll save this half a sandwich for later. And then diet starts one day. And then I'm going to read more books this year. And then I can make this relationship work. And then finally, this health thing will probably take care of itself. That said a lot about all of us.

We really opened it up on that one. We left some good stuff on the board. Let's go hiking. Let's go hiking. Yeah. Let's go hiking. There's not enough time. Yeah. This meet is probably still okay.

Yeah. I love watching the Oscars. That's one that I tell myself every year. You don't like the Oscars, huh? I wonder if I do. Okay, I get you. I see what you're saying. Meal prep.

You ever do that where I'm like, yeah, yeah, meal prep for the week and then I end up throwing a bunch of it out? Absolutely. Or like, if I buy vegetables from Whole Foods, I'll cook these. For sure. Oh, the vegetables are the guy. Yeah. That's the hard one too. They go bad so fast. They're like a 40. I got a bunch of vegetables I gotta throw out.

I'll pick something real quick on Netflix. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God, dude. Wow. Yo, I'm crossing platforms after a while. Oh yeah. I'm going Netflix. I'm going back to Prime.

And then I'm going to bed and I didn't watch anything. Yeah. I'm just going to watch a Fosse Pop video. God damn it. Yeah, we have some amazing ones on the board.

We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Podcast. At All Fantasy Pod, right, right? On Twitter. allfantasypodcast at gmail.com for the emails. We're going to do another mailbag soon, so send us those questions for the mailbag. We'll be doing another watch-along soon. If you have any ideas for that, send us those.

Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you for holding us down and rocking with us. We really appreciate you. Yaxel. We love you. You let us do what we do. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit.

Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to fucking Elephant Seals. I see you. Yeah, yeah. Sure.

You know, shout out. Mother and daughter Elephant Seals. Shout out to fucking Mario Hazonia and Hassan Whiteside. Welcome to the Portland Trailblazers.

You know? Sure. Welcome back, Rodney Hood. Bon Voyage. Myers Leonard. The fucking legend. Damn. Man, the Blazers broke my heart.

Evan Turner and Myers Leonard in the same week, man. And Moe Harkless. Tricky. And Enos Kanter. How could you be Moe Harkless? Listen, this was a big week for everybody besides me and Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you guys got better big week for everybody besides me and Chris. Yeah. But you guys got better. You re-signed Paul Mills.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Jamal Murray extended right? Jamal Murray extension. Michael Porter Jr. is going to finally play next season. Yeah, that's going to be huge. The come up is real, man. You guys in Utah and the Blazers and like, we'll see what the Lakers do, but the West is going to be interesting. You know what the West is? The best?

Restless? The Midwest. I know. I was trying to do like the Midwest is young and restless. So the west is like pretty chill. Restless. Quiet your baby, madam. We're trying to land this point.

Yeah. Shout out to super producer Marissa. Hell yeah. At Mars Mel on Twitter. Yeah. At Mars Mel on, right? I think so. I think, yeah, yeah, yeah. At Mars Mel on Twitter. Yeah. At Mars Mel on, right? I think so. I think, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think she's cross-platform. I think she's cross-platform. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to fucking anybody else. Shout outs. Shout out to St. Kelly Jordan. There it is. Oh, shout out to you, mommy.

My mom's birthday is on Wednesday. Yeah, happy birthday, mom. Shout out Ran Barnaclow. 69 somebody to death in the bathroom. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That guy rules. He does rulelow. 69 somebody to death in the bathroom. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That guy rules. He does rule.

I got a loose mint in my pocket. That was loose. I can grab it, or you can reach into my pocket and grab it. You have three options. Either you can reach in, I can hand it to you, or you can refuse the mint. You can refuse the mint. It's a loose mint. It's loose.

But more important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Cakey thick flip. Yeah. that was a hate gun podcast