All Fantasy Everything - Love Songs (Live w/ Shane Torres, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: November 21, 2019

Live in Denver, the boys get sweet.Episode Guest:Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @syrupmountainThis was recorded live at the 2019 High Plains Comedy Festival in Denver, Colorado. Huge thanks to Mike Henderson from Plan 9 Studios and Anthony O'Connor at 3 Kings Tavern for capturing this recording!Support the show!Sponsors:TodayTix: Go to todaytix.com/allfantasy and use promo code ALLFANTASY to get $10 off your first purchase.Eight Sleep: Get $150 off when you go to eightsleep.com/allfantasy.Feals: Become a member today by going to Feals.com/ALLFANTASY and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping.Dashlane: Start dashing through the internet and help support our show by visiting dashlane.com/allfantasy to start your 30 day free trial of Dashlane – no credit card required. Use code “allfantasy” at checkout to save 20% on your Premium subscription.Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Coming to you live from the High Plains Comedy Festival in beautiful Denver, Colorado. Just a whisper from gorgeous Elizabeth, Colorado. If not the top of the food chain, at least the second notch. At least the second notch. Not everybody can be Beaverton, but we all knew that going into this. Now listen, it would be enough for me to be here up alone and do this show.

I'll agree on that. Mother fucking microphone, I'll fucking kill you. I'll agree on that. Mother fucking microphone, I'll fucking kill you. It would be enough for me to be up here alone, hosting this show. That would be enough, Diane. I think we all agree on that. But I did not come here to Denver alone, my friends.

You know I'm a Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. You know I'm a Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Make some noise for Sean Jordan! Thank you, Bubba. I mean, it was already posted who the guest was, so might as well bring up his headshot. You know what I mean, it was already posted who the guest was, so might as well bring up his headshot. You know what I mean? Speaking of headshots, right there.

You also have a spit come out. It was cool. We all liked it. It was like watching George Foreman get punched in the head. Yeah, that was fun. By the way, Marissa, I switched mics briefly if you're noticing some sort of weird thing going on, and now I'm speaking in the two. All right, here we go.

Shawnee, how are you, Bubba? I'm fantastic. Playboy, how you living? Thank you. Mansions and Benzes. Who you giving ends to? Some of my friends. How's it feel? Stupendous, yeah, absolutely. Tremendous what?

Tremendous cream. Fuck a dolly and a dream. What are you still toting? That's the one part of the song I'm not... Yeah, strap with infrared beam. There you go, yeah. There we go. We got it. Not a big gun guy.

It's a team... What'd you say? Not a big gun guy. Nor am I. I was a big rap guy, though. I even tried to buy me one that one time for Hanukkah. You remember?

Yeah, what's... My dad tried to buy me a gun. He was like, I got you a gun for Hanukkah, which is, what a sentence. A gun for Hanukkah, which is, what a sentence. A gun for Hanukkah, the Ian Carmel story. Starring that guy who played Goldberg in The Mighty Ducks. And when he was sick, that guy from Game of Thrones.

Oh, yeah. Hofthor Bjornson, you mean the mountain, right? You mean the mountain? You don't mean hot pie, right? You mean the mountain? You don't mean Hot Pie, right? You mean the mountain? You mean the mountain. And the guy who played Jamie Lannister.

Hot Pie. God damn it. You know, you look like Hot Pie. It's weird. People said that to me before Game of Thrones. Hey, Hot Pie, you're a junior in high school.

Somebody once told me I look like the Shermanator and they were very once told me I look like the Shermanator, and they were very right. I did look like the Shermanator. I feel like I've grown into my teeth a little bit, but I did, for a long time, look like the Shermanator. He was mostly teeth. He was mostly teeth and blue bandanas for a while.

I can't see it, but I'm crip-walking under the table. You know him as the G-Isilon on Twitter? You know him as the writer and star of The Lot, which we just watched. Unless we're not allowed to say that, in which case, no, you didn't. And you also know him as coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Make some noise for David Borey!

Yeah! David Borey! Oh, come on. David Borey! David Borey! Okay, well now it's going a long time. Cold Stone Creamery. So I don't know if you guys noticed, but that short, The Parking Lot, was where they shot A Star is Born.

That's right. And now I think it's where they shot A Star is Born. Uh-huh. Huh? He said that to me over there and I was like, no, he wrote it an hour ago. Yeah, yeah. And I don't even read, so it's weird when I write shit. No, it blows my mind every time.

How are you? I'm so good, man. Yeah. I don't know why I packed seven white tees for this fucking trip, but other than that. I'm going to throw a buffalo wing at that one before the show's over. I'm going to kill you. No, you're not. You just said you got seven of them.

Good to be back in the 3941. Come on, don't do that. 303, my high till I die. Come on, don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. I'm great, though. I'm having so much fun.

I've been a good boy. I haven't been all that drunk. Tonight that changes. Yeah, I was in bed at 4 a.m. Can I say something? That was, yeah. That was pretty good. Do you know what I really love about Denver?

And I fucking, I really love it so much because there's nowhere else, at least recently, that's like this. Arvada. I love when they lose, huh? That's a local joke. Oh. I love when Denver loses to Portland in the playoffs.

I just fucking love it. I just. It was fun, guys. I just fucking love it. I just... It was fun, guys. I just love it. Yeah. You got that big seven-foot guy with the same body as me just throwing elbows all around.

His name is Nikola Jokic, and he's 24 years old, and he's the future of the NBA. It's just awesome. He looks like he was carved out of butter at the Wisconsin State Fair. Listen, listen, listen. I know who's on the way up, and I know who's on the way down.

We'll see what happens next year, you know what I mean? We're not on the... Danny Lillard's like 29, dude. No, he was talking about the Sky Force. We're joining the NBA. Sioux Falls Sky Force. Victor Page. Monty Buckley. Motherfucker got shot in the face, dude. Still played.

Four overtimes and you still couldn't beat us. He got shot in the face in Sioux Falls? I don't know. Because that sounds like something that would happen in like... I don't know, like a... Like what kind of place would you get shot in the face? I don't know, something like a white ghetto? Like a white ghetto, I feel like.

I didn't even see it coming. Neither did he. Professional stand-up comedian. Professional. Kind of like that Rodney Hood 3 that the Nuggets didn't see coming. All show! All show we're going to be bringing it up.

Settle in! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rip City. Fucking 503 till I die. It has a five in it. 605, Playboy. 605. Nobody asked you.

How many other states do you share that area code with, by the way? What'd you just say? Huh? You look good, though. What? Huh? I'm blind as a bat. I'm blind as a bat.

Our final guest. Ugh. Sean's roommate. The Hispanic Titanic himself. Jose Conqueso. Jose Conqueso. Wyatt Burp. Wyatt Burp.

Sad, sad Leroy Frown. Saddest man in the whole damn town. Oh, the Legion of Gloom. I told you, he can't be a legion if it's one guy. We talked about this backstage. I was talking about his testicles. He wrote that SAR thing and he just thought he was hot after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't miss. One of our favorite human beings on the planet Earth. You know him from his Comedy Central half hour. Yeah. You know him from recently appearing on the Stephen Colbert program on the Columbia Broadcasting System. You know him from Ron White's star studded, what is it? Ron White's salute to the troops in the evening of a star-spangled banter. Give it up for Shane Torres, everybody!

All right. All right. All right. All right. Oh. What the fuck is that? Oh! I brought my Emmy.

Fucking super easy to get. It says it right here. Emmy. Emmy for me. The Emmy is for me. There's stars because I'm a star. I don't even write for a late night program. They were like, you look like talent. And I'm like, you're

goddamn right I do. You're going to bring out fake health insurance next? What do you got? No, I'm on New York State Medicaid. I lie about how much I make. So do I. Ian, have you ever

touched one of these? What? An Emmy. This is an Emmy. That looks like something you give your secretary you never talk to. Oh, it says Emmy on it.

It does. I actually got it from Emmy Rossum, star of Shameless. It's like a thing we're not talking about. I'm not going to laugh at that joke,

but I will nod. Well, nodding's good for an audio medium. I brought it. I narrate it. It's good to be here. Nice to see you, Denver. Yes, Shady! Can I say something real quick?

I would love if you said something. Shout out to everybody at High Points. Karen Wachtel, Adam Caden, Jesse, Scott, all you guys, all the volunteers. Jake and Sam, Damian Lillard, CJ McCollum. I mean, can't forget Rodney Hood, Zach Collins, everybody making High Plains happen. Victor Page, Monty Buckley, dude. Doesn't matter if you got shot in the face.

Are you guys naming basketball players that didn't win the Western Conference Finals? You're on Mavericks, what are you talking about? We have a very bright future of basically Aryan heritage coming up. We have a suspected rapist

and a chubby Serbian that's going to... Yeah, man, that's like any good hardcore band will have those two things too. Boys, boys, man. That's like any good hardcore band will have those two things, too. Boys, boys, boys. Let's talk about South Dakota a little bit.

Where none of that happens. Emmy. If you guys want to touch it or take a picture with it later, it's totally cool. For those listening, Shane just pulled his dick out. Yeah.

What exactly is going on? You're making fun of me for having won an Emmy? Is that a good thing? No, I'm not making fun. I'm proud of you for winning one. I'm just saying I got one, too. I wouldn't make fun of you for an accomplishment, you know? I think you would.

I think you would, too. I think he loves it. What accomplishments of yours have I made fun of? If anybody who listens to this fucking show knows, I just make fun of Sean for not having any. That's true. You've always been very congratulatory to me. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Shane, I'll tell you what. A bunch of listeners to this particular program got together and sent my mom a personalized card with about $1,000 worth of gift cards in it. That's amazing. So I certainly do have something. Yeah.

I have a bunch of people that care about a stranger who they've never met and it means the absolute world to me. So real quick, thank you to everybody who did that. Getting to it early. He always does that.

You can't beat that. I wish I had a wrapping up life. What are you supposed to say? Your mom's a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to say it. While we're at it, pick up Established in 1981.

If I've ever heard a good stand-up album, holy buckets. This guy right here. Yeah, the New York Times liked it. I was saying something else. I didn't get my Emmy for the album. I just want to be clear.

You got Jeremy from Walgreens. Shut the fuck up about it. That's where I'm getting your Christmas present. You and my dad. Mine too, actually, yeah. Here's a half-eaten bag of Skittles, bud. Bummer. Sorry I opened your present on the way over.

I got hungry and opened your Christmas Skittles. Can you give me a ride home? I'm shit-faced. Where is home now, my transient father? The Rushmore Motel, young son. My dad's was the Larimer Street Mission, which was... Yeah, my dad's too.

Homeless shelter. Ivan Carmel and I are going to go see a concert in March. What are you guys going to go see? We're going to go to Tempe, Arizona and there's a baseball-themed music festival that has not only Dave Matthews' band, but also

another one he likes. Is that real? It's real. That sounds like where you tell your wife you're going when you're going to cheat on her.

I was in Tempe, baby. I was at the Baseball Music Fest. I was at the Lipstick Museum with our son. Yeah, Dave Matthews band's about to hit

a grand slam with this encore. He's going to scat about sliders. They give you syphilis there. That's why I got it. Of course I was in Tempe

at the baseball music festival. Look how sunburned my dick is. It's called like extra innings. I don't know, Portugal the Man's gonna be there, Dr. Dog, Weezer. It's gonna be fun, man. That's fun, yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna be there on Molly in the daytime with my father. Are you gonna give your dad Molly? Yeah. That could go either way, brother. Oh, no, that's going one way. We're going to buy a speedboat and take it to Mexico.

We are. No, I believe you. Yeah. It's been a good year for both of us. And we are gathered here today in the... What is this? Three Kings? South Broadway? us. And we are gathered here today in the... What is this? Three Kings? South Broadway?

Three Kings. We are gathered here today in the beautiful Three Kings brew pub and... I think it's tavern. I know, I don't think about it. Brew pub. This is a fucking soon-to-be shelter. What are you talking...

Oh, hush. Oh, you... Sorry, aging. You're putting on airs when you look like this bar became a human. What are you talking about? Oh, hush. Sorry, agent. You're putting on airs when you look like this bar became a human. What are you talking about? Yeah, I have an aesthetic. It's pretty good. Shane Torres, no stylist.

Well, when you're born a perfect canvas, there's nothing left to paint. Canvas, denim, whatever fabric it is. We are gathered here today in the Three Kings not only to roast Shane's aesthetic choices that he's been making for the last decade, but also

to draft love songs. I forgot we were doing that. Why wouldn't three of the loneliest boys on the planet and Sean do that? You guys want to take a long drive before this? Yeah. I'm just going to draft five songs I wrote for Laura that she's never heard. Your heart is so buck.

Laura's fucking d dank. She's so fucking dank. I want to marry her, spend the rest of my life killing her fucking dank. Laura, you're so fucking dank. I want to marry you forever and get a two-man longboard

and ride into the sun. Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na on board and right into the sun. Laura's dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank, dank. What? Yank. Yeah. Well, I'm just, it's a real song. He wrote it.

Yeah, it's tight. It's already on wax. We're good. It's coming. Coming. Look out for detox. So, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicky game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Shoot it up. I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh! Twice in one day! We recorded earlier.

Earlier. At the hotel. Damn, but I thought, alright. I was laying on Sean's bed, you know, very luxuriously. Not in a sexy way, but it was come hither. Yeah. Shane was on his bed, Ian was on mine, and for a while it looked like they were just, like,

talking about sleepover stuff or something. Yeah, you guys moved that good, like... We brushed each other's hair. No, you brushed your hair. I got kind of a sciatic thing going on, so I have to recline at all times as though it's hair. No. You brushed your hair. I got kind of a sciatic thing going on, so I have to recline at all times as though it were Passover. Ah.

What? Now, you mentioned Passover. Are you Jewish? 100%, bar mitzvahed and everything. I think I knew that. I think I knew that. Sean A., having won Rock, Paper, Scissors... Just call me Sean A.

Sean A., it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do, I will remind you Just call me Seananay. Seananay. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question.

Well, let's say there's a sampler platter of food right in front of you. I really thought this shit was done. And you have the quesadilla. And you grab the quesadilla

and you take a little bite. I'm sure people are going to love hearing your smacking in their earbuds. Weird thing about me, I've never chewed. He's got teeth all the way down his throat. It's weird. It's like a sleeping bag zipper all the way down to my stomach. So you take a bite of the quesadilla. You're like, that's pretty tight.

But then you're like, what on God's green earth are these things? They look like chicken strips. Take one. You take a bite and you're like, damn, that was pretty tight. Kind of want to get that quesadilla. Yeah, Sean, you can have some of my food. Before you go back to the quesadilla, another bite of the chicken strip. Good God.

Now your mouth's full because you don't chew. You're just going to spit it all on Shane. Yeah. Then you go back to the quesadilla, take another bite, and you're like, what is that? Southwestern Ranch kind of dip situation? It sure is. And then you just go back and forth until you throw a buffalo wing at David's white t-shirt. Basically, what it means is you pick fourth in the first round You pick first in the second round

That was yummy With that in mind What will the order of today's draft be? I'm gonna go first We'll just go right down the line Me, Shane, David, Ian Hot corner I got a fucking hot corner

You shouldn't have done that dude I'm gonna fucking smoke this thing Back to back you you're fucked. All right. Well, with that in mind, Sean, you have the first pick in today's All Fantasy Everything Love Songs draft. But before we get to that pick,

let's take a short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, you figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley, all right? You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that. Two

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allfantasy at schedule35.co That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code allfantasy. And we're big! Sure. Sean, what will the first pick in today's Love Songs draft be? If I should stay

I would only be in your way Wait, let Shane do it He's a trained opera singer Wait, let Shane do it. No, don't. He's a trained opera singer. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And no, I'm not. Do it. Come on.

I'm not. I'll do it for my songs. You fuck right up. Do it for this one. I'm going to do the drum again. I don't want to do it. Stop putting your dick- shaped object in my face. Hand out.

Wait, wait. I'm not doing it. Do it one more time. I can't do it like this. You can do it, you went to college. Hand out, no, okay. You were doing it. That's the hardest note to hit in the history of music.

You went to college for singing. You're a talented singer. That's the hardest note to hit in the history of music. You went to college for singing. You're a talented singer. Okay, great. Next joke or whatever. We don't want you to hit that note. We want you to hit it. It's embarrassing.

Why do you do this? Everything's embarrassing. You're up here in front of a sampler platter. Calm down. I get nervous. Now it's a pride situation. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston is my pick

yeah yeah yeah originally written performed by Dolly Parton I'm not gonna not give credit where credit is due she did write the song

and it's an amazing song but the version that Whitney did brings the house down every single time what's your favorite part about that song right after

the part that Shane won't do right after the beat drops do you say it's not that hard no I said it's really hard part about that song? Right after the part that Shane won't do. Right after the beat drops. Do you say it's not that hard? No, I said it's really hard. No! It's not that hard, man. You just gotta believe.

You gonna let him dunk on you like that look I have an Emmy I I have an Emmy wouldn't have to Sean does that song mean anything to you personally or just take it

cause it's such a dang song just take it cause it's such a dope song same word you'll know in a couple weeks but I wanna sing like Whitney Houston and that song

is one of the songs where I think about somebody just belting some shit out and I absolutely love it. It's perfect and I love The Bodyguard too. I think it's a perfect movie

so that neither here nor there. We're not drafting perfect movies. If we were, I'd explain what a movie was and then we'd draft movies. Movies with cat-based leaves. Films.

Yeah, man. Cheese and Rice. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston from the Bodyguard soundtrack. Originally written and performed by Dolly Parton. I love how subtle it starts. It's so... If I should stay...

Yeah, it starts with a tone of pillow talk. Yeah, it starts with the tone of pillow talk. Yeah, yeah. I would only be in your way. No. Stop it. I get greedy. Yeah. Yeah, it's an amazing song.

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I feel like. It's not my favorite love song that she did, but whatever. You know, I'm a real fan. Say what? Yeah. Damn. My feelings about it. Damn. I really don't think we're as drunk as last year. I'm a real fan. Say what? Damn. My feelings about it.

Damn. I really don't think we're as drunk as last year. That's a good thing. Well, four shots for me and my friends. Yes, please. None of that. Three tequilas and one varnish, or whatever the fuck Sean's drinking. He's drinking tequila. I'd love some boat scrubbing juice.

Sean Jordan, The Pride of Sioux Falls. You took I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. Shane Torres. I think I might have been able to get this later, but it's one of my favorite love songs, and I was afraid Ian would take it. Is this? Okay, yeah. Yeah. Whole Wide World by Reckless Eric. Oh, shit, that was on my list.

You guys know it? Yeah. I don't know it. Sing it. Shut up. Sing it. This is why I wanted to draft Baseball players When I was a young boy

My mama said to me There's only one girl In the world for you And she probably lives In Tahiti I'd go the whole wide world I'd go the whole wide world. I'd go the whole wide world just to find her. I'd go the whole...

All right, you can do it. Yeah. You just give him a little taste. It's an amazing song. And he just... He fucking tears into it. Yeah. Reckless Eric.

Produced by Nick Lowe, by the way. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. The thing that's great about that song is that it's the most basic song you've ever heard. Yeah, it's like literally two chords. Yeah, and it just defines itself with how fucking much he loves it. And he like sings Mad British. He's not like one of those British people who loses his accent when he sings.

Yeah, yeah, he's really in it, yeah. He's like, maybe she's in the Bajamias. What word did you just say? Bajamias. Find where they hide her. Bajamias. Bajamias. Bajamias.

Somebody call a doctor. I don't know what you're doing. The Bahamas. Oh, Bajamias. Oh, wow. Oh, I heard it weird. Thank you. Shout out to fucking Three Kings.

That was super sick. Shout out to Zach out to fucking Three Kings. That was super sick. Shout out to Zach. Thank you, Zach. That was crazy. I go the whole wide world. I go the whole wide world. It's such a good song. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, so good. I know it didn't really bring the house down. It was more Ian taking it. I was worried about. I thought you would get it. Can everybody hear us okay? Yeah.

All right, cool. Have you ever heard yourself talking to a microphone? I know they can hear me okay. I said us on purpose. I don't need a fucking microphone. What I have is 6,000 years of Semitic heritage. The door person at the high dive is looking across the street like, come on, man.

Shut up, Carms. Trying to do a show over here. You're like if a bottle of bullfrog car wax could talk. A bottle of bullfrog? I know, I blew it. It's fine. It was a bad joke. Swing and a miss!

It's like we're the batting cages all over again. Yeah, he didn't hit one. Did that really happen? I won a home run on this Emmy. But you really went... I have a real Emmy! It doesn't hurt! I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Why would you feel

like that? 30 pitches from a robot and Shane didn't even nick one. 30 pitches from a robot is the way you fuck. I am. After I get married. Beep, beep, beep. I'm a jabby fuck.

I think that gets it done. I've had... Had what? Sex? Well, after I'm married, sure, I'll give it a shot. If it's a must, yeah. If it's a must.

I don't prefer to... 30 pictures from a robot is better than the way you fuck, which is a bus letting off its air brake. Yeah, I forgot about all the core strength you have. You don't know what's under there. It could be anything. I don't know what's under there.

No, nobody does. Didn't we nickname ourselves the Good Vibes Gang? Oh, yeah. I love you guys. Love you guys so much. Just a pleasure to be here. Everybody raise them up if you got them. Grab a drink, raise it up.

We're going to take about five seconds and do these shots. Oh, shit. I did mine already. All right. Sláinte, good to see you guys. All right. Lá chaim. Shane, that's a great pick.

It's a wonderful song. I would have taken it, but later. Yeah, fantastic pick. David Pory, writer and star of The Lot. What is your first pick? So, I have a complicated relationship with love. So I like, like, fucked up love songs where it's like, oh, I don't really know how to do it, but I think you're cool.

Not it, like, sex. I want to know what love is by Foreigner. Oh, yeah! I fucking love that song so much. I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. I want to know what love is. Jesus Christ.

No one's going to say that. Yes, 911, some poor bastard's about to blow his brakes off. No one's going to show you with that attitude. I was screaming that at people all night in the middle of the street. There's two ways to get through the finish line, talent and heart. You just did it with heart. That's all that was. That's fair.

I love that saying. Hustle and flow, baby. That's a fucker. Yeah, heart. He just did it with heart. That's all that was. I love that saying. Hustle and flow, baby. There's not much to it. I really like that song. You really feel that guy when he's singing that. You're like, oh man. Somebody who hasn't been loved right. Yeah, this guy's an idiot like me.

But like a charming, smart, big-dicked idiot. Thick, not length, but you know, I get it done. Like Basie. Looks like you're choking somebody. Yeah, choking could be a lot. You're choking somebody. Hey, Mom, I'm glad you listened to my podcast.

You did it. What are the other lyrics? I don't know if I know any glad you listened to my podcast. You did it. What are the other lyrics? I don't know if I know any of them. In my life, there's been heartache and pain. That's a real... The crowd, that was a real... I think I remember my co-worker's name energy. You only need to know one part.

I want to know who love is. What the fuck else do you need to know about that song? Are you kidding? That's the part. Get mad at me. That's the fucking whole point. It's a manifesto. I was...

It's a manifesto? Yeah, you know all the lyrics to Ba Ta Da Wa? I'm so drunk already. All the lyrics to what? Did you say Ba with the kid rock song? Yeah, you don't know the other lyrics. You just know the... Oh, yeah, I get that.

I know all the lyrics to that song. I hear you. My name is Kid! Kid what, baby? Kid Rock! Now get in the bit and try to love someone. Those are the lyrics. I put your picture away.

Oh, yeah. Don't sing pics. Oh, I didn't even, that is, oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah, scratch it off. I haven't even thought about my first pic. What songs does Ian Carmel like? You were just bragging. You got Zillow now? Yeah, scratch it off. I haven't even thought about my first pick. What songs does Ian Carmel like? You were just bragging.

You got Zillow now? Yeah, dude. Look at you. Trying to buy a house. You got all kinds of crazy rich guys. Dude, I got crazy ass right here. Oh, yeah, sure. What did these?

Oh, no! All right. Where did this come from? Gin. Thank you. Thank you. What? We'll take them.

Yeah, we're not upset about it. Okay, I'm not taking the gin. It's almost like you guys don't want a decent show. You want this Jameson? They knew what they were in for. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of like... Clearly for me. You want the vodka or the tequila or the gin?

Karen comes up and whispers. She goes, please drink the water, too. Also water. We want the show to end on time. That was Karen. She helps produce the first... Okay, thankispers. She goes, please drink the water, too. Also water. We want the show to end on time. That was Karen. She helps produce the first. I guess I just won't get my shot. By the way, that first pick, the rest of mine

are for me. Okay, yeah. It's going to get real weird. I think I'm going to go populist with my first one as well. Yeah, you got to give it to him. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I got the month of May. I guess you'd say What could make me feel this way?

What is it? I don't even like that song. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I saw you winding up for that so hard. Me? Yeah, you were just like, you weren't singing. I knew it immediately. I was like, I'm going to.

You were like Van Damme in the end of Bloodsport. Oh, yeah. I was like, I'm going to fuck them up. Yeah. Yeah, man, My Girl. I'm embarrassed to say who sings My Girl. One of these temptations. Ah, I knew that.

I knew that. I don't like that song because it always makes me think about bees. Oh, yeah. Veda Sotenweiss. We got to go play, Charles. Charles, we got to go play. He had it coming.

He needs his glasses. Oh, yeah. Get him his glasses. Get him his glasses. He needs his glasses. Oh, yeah. Get him his glasses. Get him his glasses. He needs his glasses. Hi, my name's Anna Chlumsky. I think we're doing different things the way we remember this. I don't know.

Were your parents yelling in the back of the theater? No. I drove myself. You drove yourself to my girl? Yeah. It was a weird childhood. What do you want? I drove my bicycle.

I rode my bicycle myself. That's a lot of love. You drove your bicycle. I had to be one for my girl, says the fat 10-year-old. My friends will be joining. Don't skimp on the butter. Me and my friends love movie butter. They're going to want a shitload

so I can bring it all. I'll have some juju bees and two seats please. Don't be scared to bring all the butter before they get here. They will get here. Oh no, there's that mean usher again. He talks about bees

in the song. Does he? Yeah, he's got so much honey that the bees envy him. The bees are sitting there like, fuck that guy. Man, that's so close to being like

either a beautiful song lyric or a terrible thing a creep would say to a woman. Oh, wait. I got so much bees. I got so much bees, though. I got so much honey, the bees end in me. What do you say you and me drive

until neither one of us gets cell phone service? I got a hole in the desert that's just a little bit longer than you. I guess you say, what can make me feel this way? My girl. My girl. Talking. My girl. My girl. Talking about my girl. My girl. You always only, you sing for real for a second, but when it's shrouded by these two. He's ashamed of his talent.

It's okay. My next song, you're going to have to sing when I pick it. Oh my God. You're going to pick Slayer's Raining Blood? I believe Eric Ellington's part. It's love songs, not fuck jams. Oh my God, you're going to pick Slayer's Raining Blood? I believe Eric Ellington's part. It's love songs, not fuck jams. Raining blood across a lacerated sky. We have a security gate at work,

and people have to let you in. But you show a card, but there's a security guard right there. And sometimes I'll just turn Raining Blood on as loud as I can. Just so a Prius pulls up with raining blood blasting out of it. A Prius with no bumper. With no bumper.

Which makes it way scarier. It's like, what's up, Raul? And they're like, raining blood. Do you remember? It's a thing for me. It's going to be quick, but like years ago

when we all three still lived in Portland, Kinane was in town. Kyle Kinane? And we were driving around like the northwest part of town. Yes. And we would pull up to people and be of town. Yes. And we would pull up

to people and be like, excuse me. And as soon as they were like, do you know how to get to? And then as soon as they were about to give us directions, Ian would just blast

the Star Wars music. And we just drove off. We were in our 30s. I wasn't. I was going to say, you guys were some crazy kids. I was in my 20s I was in like

not even my late 20s when we were doing that I think okay fine I was in my 30s I'm a baby I'm a little baby yeah we would

it was fun you would pull up to it you like cause there'd be somebody on the street and you're like hey this is so weird but how do you get to

and then you drive away so weird, but how do you get to... And then you drive away. George Lucas is going to have your ass if you don't cut that off right now. Which brings me to my second pick. The Mos Eisley Canteen... But it is time for my second pick. We're going to have like three lightning rounds.

We're fine. Calm down. We're good. We're doing fine. Oh, my love. My darling. My darling, I hunger for your touch A long, lonely time And time goes by so slowly And time can do so much

And then Are you still more? Yeah, you're all scared too. I need your love. You could have gone to any bar in Denver that was super shitty and seen four dudes just doing this.

Yeah! Just doing this out of nowhere. Marlboros and Wrangler Jeans. One guy alone at karaoke. Look at those guys just singing their favorite songs about their days. Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. That's the name of that song? Yeah.

I never knew that. Be honest. Clap if you knew the name of that song for real. I'll take it. He was just like, oh, the Patrick Swayze song. The song is off the chain. Why? Is like Oh the Patrick Swayze song The song is off the chain It is Why is that in a Patrick Swayze movie?

Yeah It's in Ghost Dirty Dancing Oh Ghost Okay Yeah That's on fucking Ghost Oh is that when he was

Filling up that pot? I don't know Yeah that's that pot When he was standing behind it Like getting in there Yes I won't watch any Whoopi Goldberg movies

Because of cultural appropriation. Oh, yeah. What? That's complicated. It's a very Jewish name. It was just a joke. I don't know. You can take it or leave it. I just did. No, she picked it because it was Jewish, right? Yeah, I think so. She was like, Whoopi cushions are funny and Goldbergs

get the money. Her words, not me. I didn't say that. She said that? She didn't say that. I said that. David said that. David is hilarious. Yes, he is. I'm Whoopi Goldberg. I just love that song.

And also it was like the song that my mom and her first husband, after my dad danced to with their wedding. And I bet a therapist would have some thoughts on that. Buddy, if you think we're not getting into some of that. Holy shit. It's just a cut, though, man. The Righteous Brothers fucking whooped, dude. They're awesome.

That song is... It's like too adult for me. I don't know. I don't like it. It's some adult shit. Yeah, I take a lot of old songs. Yeah, I've never felt a love like that. I don't think anyone's fallen in love since 1978,

so my craft will reflect that. We've just entered into mutual property agreements. Yeah, Unchained Melody by the Ransom's Brothers. This is my second pick. David, time for your second pick. The rest of these, I don't even know if they're going to hit, but it had to be true to my heart, so my second pick, How's It Going Down by DMX.

It's my favorite fucking love song in the world. Is that about Three Kims? What? No, that's not about Three Kims. No, I mean, is that... No, that's not that song. About Three Kims? That's not the song.

This is a much deeper, more nuanced song than what these bitches want. You're not an idiot. But what do they want? We never found out. Cisco knows, apparently. Is this song featuring Cisco? No. Give me a taste, David.

It's a complicated tale of a man who loves a woman who has kids. And he knows he shouldn't be fucking with her, but he loves her. And then her man finds out. And he runs up on some dudes. And he tries to beat them up. It's dark, man, but it's beautiful, and it's my favorite love song, and I'm not going to feel bad about that. Nobody wants you to feel bad about it. I feel bad about it.

You shouldn't feel bad about it. I want to hear a little bit of the song. DMX is my favorite lover. You're talking about that scene in Belly, right, where him and Keisha were going at it? You're talking about that scene. You're never not talking about it. You bring that scene up once a week. You do in Belly, right, where him and Keisha were going at it? You're talking about that scene. You're never not talking about it. You bring that scene up once a week. You do bring Belly up a lot.

Especially when DMX was hitting it. His butt is perfect in that scene. Belly comes up more on this podcast than any other podcast. I mean, it comes up more on this podcast than Netflix. If DMX had his own podcast, he wouldn't talk about Belly. No, not even almost. No way. He doesn't even remember it.

He thought it was a documentary. Yeah. I remember a lot of blue lights for about three months. Yeah, How's It Going Down by DMX. Listen to it at home. It makes me feel sad. So he's fucking a woman who's married with kids?

Yeah, but he loves her, but then he's like, oh man, we can't even fuck around. And then he tries to be nice to her. He's like, we gonna always be the best of friends. And then he's like, oh, man, we can't even fuck around. And then he tries to be nice to her. He's like, we're going to always be the best of friends. And then he's like, ha-ha. Man, a little boo to that. And he drives off on his motorcycle.

That's a loaded ha-ha. Yeah, because he knows. He says, you got two kids by this dude. What the fuck is wrong with me? Like, he wants to be in love, but he can't do it because he's a dog. And I relate to that. Absolutely. That's a wonderful pick, I think.

How's it going down by DMX? Shane Torres, I imagine you'll be also picking a DMX song. I will be. If you did. If I could name one. ATF. That's one, right? Calm down.

You can't name a DMX song? No, you didn't know it was called Unchained Melody. Shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. I've been drinking. I love Sean. Not really. Establish in 1981.

Good album. I picked a Canadian song, which I'm not doing. God damn it, Shane. That's okay. I got my first real six string. Bought it at the five and dime. Played it till

my fingers bled. Was the summer I'm 69. You're gonna get the rest of it. The answer, guys, from school. Got a band and we tried real hard. Jimmy Quinn, Joey got married I should have known I'd never get that far

Isn't most of that song about loving the 60s? I guess that's a love song. It's about a young Canadian boy leaving Ontario to pursue his dreams. It's the story of Marissa Melnick, actually. Super producer. If I may jump in here, in 1969, Bryan Adams was nine years old, and he has gone on the

record saying that the title of that song is about the sex act, The 69. I swear to God that's true. Bullshit, are you kidding me? No, I swear to God. That song's about sucking and licking? That's what he says, sucking and licking. Did you know you hit a suck lick, Jim? Yeah.

You picked a DMX song. Plugging your cell phone into your laptop. That's what it's about. So that means this dude... Yeah, I picked an old suck lick. It's about the first summer he's 69? No, he was nine. I don't think you know.

He was nine years old in 1969. That's what I'm saying. So if it's about the summer of 69 and it's not the year, it's about the first time... I don't think you know. He was nine years old in 1969. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So if it's about the summer of 69 and it's not the year, it's about the first time. It's really about like June of 1978. He engaged in the most confusing sex act there is. I hate 69ing. Yeah.

Get it out of here. Am I giving it or getting it? I don't know. Not for me for one second. Me either. Sean, you were probably 69ing when you were nine years old. I, uh... You stopped talking.

You said I, uh, after that. What else were you going to say? I'm looking for your introspectives on this. Yeah, how do you feel about 69ing, Sean?

Not dank. So here's a good, here's a good, so 69ing is very buck, but it's not dank. Oh, yeah. So that can be, that can be a big difference.

Oh, now I get it. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't like 69ing. Fucking in the shower can take a long walk off a short pee. Yeah, sure can. Sure can. I hate it. One of you is under the hot water,

and the other one's getting that weird kind of cold where you were just hot, but now you're wet. Yeah, I'm under the hot water. Maybe for small people that's fine, but like for a cavernous gigantic man such as myself. For three of the four of us on this stage, it is a... Oh yeah, it's a stupid idea.

I'm trying to fuck in the shower. Unless you want, cause then the floor's gonna get wet cause part of you should be out of the shower completely. Right, and she's like, shampoo my hair! And you do, and then you're not doing it right, and she's like, fucking, ugh, I'll do it. And then you're gonna get out and stand there like, do you want me to leave the bathroom?

Yeah. She's like, don't touch my loofah when we're doing it. Am I coming back in? Because I didn't, no, alright. Should I get you to get out of here? Yeah. And then you're like, on the bed watching, like, fucking, like, I don't know, something on Netflix, Bake Off, and you're like,

we're gonna, no, oh, you look like you're ready for bed. And it's like... It was that summer. We all go through it. Yeah, you're not wrong. But wait, nobody answered my question. It is about the summer he's 69.

That's what he says. Imagine writing a whole song. And for some reason, including your mama's porch in that song. It was the summer of 69. What do I remember? Bloody fingers and my mother's porch. God, this just turned into a tool song. I don't get it.

They write graphic lyrics. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's my pick. Do they? Yeah. All right. We'll talk about it on stage. He has a lyric that's,

I found some temporary sanity in this shit blood and cum on my hands. Oh, yeah, you're right. From Persona 2. That's on me. Sean, time for your second and third picks. What I want, you got, and it might be hard to handle. Like a flame that burns the candle. The candle feeds the flame.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates. Yeah. A fantastic love song. That was mine and my ex-girlfriend, Shmish Mole. Shmish Mole! That was mine and my ex-girlfriend, Shmish Mole. Shmish Mole! That was our song. So that means a lot to me.

That was your song? That was our song. What year was this? And we didn't get married. Can you believe that? Married? I should have told her about that song, Summer of 69. I don't know, 2005?

2005, somewhere in there. I don't know. It's just a great love song. It's happy. It's peppy. I'm really in. Before's just a great love song. It's happy. It's peppy. I'm really in. I like it. Before you turned it on, would you ever be like, now listen to this, and then...

He 100% did that. That's why they broke up. Oh, God, I'm drunk. I didn't really get a lot. You guys don't like that song? What's happening? What's going on? I feel like also what's happening up here is that we all have very different views on love. Yeah, I think we do.

Yeah, I don't think it exists. I think DMX talks about it. And I believe it happened between my mother and my first stepdad. We're going to have to really hug it out backstage after this. But if there wasn't whatever would exist between your parents, then we wouldn't have you.

So I'm thrilled whatever it was. That was a compliment. I was trying to be... What's happening? Was that wrong? Did I blow it? What'd I do? I thought we were doing a bit. We weren't doing a bit? This was supposed to be the most lighthearted draft. Love songs?

That's what I thought was going to happen. No, man. Most lighthearted would be like Froger Flavors or something like that. This is deep, bro. Snacks from the 90s. By the way, that tarot route one, it's not bad. Sean, your third pick. Unless we have more

to say about Hall & Oates, which has been extensively covered in the AFV back catalog. No, we don't. I like Oates, or what was it? My mom.

Oh, your mom likes Hall, Hey, I saw Hall & Oates at Bumbershoot. Yeah, that's cool. I really like Hall. What did Oates do? That's what I'm saying. She doesn't know either.

She's like, I don't know. I just don't love him. Wait, what did Hall do? Hall wrote the name. Well, Hall was half the group. But what did he do that your mom was like, yeah. I don't know. I like that.

She's a complicated gal, Kelly Jordan. She just likes the way he shakes it, I guess. Maybe. Maybe. Does Hall shake it? And Oates just kind of stands there. I get it. Yeah, I get it. She just likes the way he shakes it, I guess. Maybe. Maybe. Does Hall shake it? I know. It just kind of stands there. I get it.

Yeah. I get it. She said yes. That was a hard yes. Like your Hall. Yeah, this fucking schmuck never does shit. You can't use that word. Oh, is that true?

I got to delete some emails. You can use schmuck. Oh, okay. Shane can't. Oh, fine. Because of I got to delete some emails. You can use schmuck. Oh, okay. Shane can't. Oh, fine. Because of the everything bagel joke. We were driving by and I started... Could I get two glasses of Manischewitz up here, please?

What flavor? Mary and Barry or what? What are we doing here? Yeah, I'll take the D.C. Mayor. Huh? Mary and Barry, the D.C. mayor? Yeah, he was. Yeah, he smoked crack.

The first time I got drunk was on Mary and Barry Manischewitz when I was like 14. Me and this, like, we were doing a big Passover. You were ancient gods from school. Had a band and we tried re-hunt. It was your summer of 69 Ten plagues We were reclining Then we hit the matzo My dad offered me ten dollars

To go find it so we could continue with the It's not going to be good That's okay Passover, there's a lot to explain. Sean, your third song? It's been seven hours and 15 days since you took your love away from me. Do you know what part I love in that song?

Like a bird, I have a song. I like it when she says, I eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant. No nothing, no nothing can take away your blues.

Why? Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you You piece of shit. One time, one time. We'll see how drunk I get. Yeah, that song is a fantastic love song. You know who wrote it?

It's about the heartache. I know, David Cheese and Rice. Yeah, James Hetfield wrote it. I don't know if that's true. Was it Dave Mustaine? Did Dave Mustaine write it? It was Dave Mustaine? It was Dave Mustaine.

Wasn't it Dave Mustaine? Yeah, it was Dave Mustaine. I don't know any of these names. Sebastian Bach might have wrote it. Vince Neil, did he write it? I'm just trying to name people that might have performed on this stage like 20 years ago.

Dave Mustaine and Sam Kinison wrote Nothing Compares to You Together. In the belly room at the comedy store in 1983. Yacked up on 2-8 balls. Yeah. Just so we're clear, Prince wrote that song. So I do know who wrote that song.

There's a version of him doing it out there that's fantastical. Yeah, it's really good. It's rustic. It's bold. I love that little purple vest. It's a really good love song, out there that's fantastical. Yeah, it's really good. It's rustic. It's bold. I love that little purple vest. It's a really good love song, but heartache love song. Like, not a happy love song. It's really more of a breakup song, if you're asking me.

And a lot of people do. Well, I was just going to ask you, what do you think of it? But it is a song about how she loves somebody, you know, but they're not together anymore. And such the fuck is life. You know what I mean? Here to let you folks know. Doesn't always work out. Nicole!

Every time, it's another email. Another one. Oh, I'm sorry. She keeps emailing you. No, she doesn't. Too bad. I think she's a bitch. Yeah. I think she fucking sucks, too. Fucking banshee. Next. I don't like I love you, Sean. Fucking banshee. Next. I don't like it when you say that.

You just called her a bitch. I don't love gendered insults. I don't love those. I do not want to continue down this road. It's what Nicole said to you. Fuck her. she sucks shit. I'll say it to her face. And her baby.

This is the longest chunk we're ever going to have to take out of this podcast. I don't like her. Leave it in! Yeah, leave it in. Let her fucking hear it. Don't play it outside of her door like it's John Cusack. I don't give a fuck. Hell yeah. I'm with you, man. Say that to my buddyusack. I don't give a fuck. Hell yeah.

I'm with you, man. Look, I have to share a room with this guy. You know how much he complains about this shit? We all make mistakes when we're younger. And we grow and learn from them. And then we have kids with another guy. That's what happens. Yeah.

It's a good thing I'm so happy all the time. That's true. I feel like you're deflecting. Make your next shitty fucking pick, dickweed. Okay. 1981. Establish in 1981. For Nerminal. That's just ESPN's website.

Okay. Why are you looking at ESPN? I'm dry. Why do you have 60 tabs open? Yeah, I'm important. Do you know... That's not what that means. He's exactly the guy who has 60 tabs open.

One of those is the Geico rate calculator. Yeah, I'm buying. Ian and I both won Emmys. We're going to do well. You don't have a car. You're just going to get insurance to feel cool? Don't talk... You don't have a car, you fucking mush mouth.

I'm not looking for insurance. Alright, this is... I'm going to probably get shit for this from... This is the story of a girl... Who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Absolutely loved her when she smiled. Alright, I'll write that down.

Here we go. I'm fully aware how... Roberto Duran. Can I get another double tequila soda? Me too. Thank you. Two double tequila sodas? Take it three.

Three double tequila sodas? Because I'm reading these lyrics and I am feeling it. What are you picking, baby? This is not a surprise to anyone, but I'm going to pick Hands Down by Dashboard Confession. Of course. I know that's very on brand for me. Give me a taste.

Didn't you and Kinane just see him at Riot Fest? No, Kinane. I wanted to see him, and Kinane and I were at Riot Fest and he was like I ain't going to listen to that three chord bullshit and I was like yeah me neither let's go see the Erks yeah well they're cool too but I definitely

wanted to see them I felt like a big pussy I don't get it you know the song? I don't know anything that you guys the arms are so high that your kiss might kill me

so won't you kill me? So I die happy. This is a love song. To break or bury. Or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer. The words are, let's not get busted. Just lay entwined here.

Undiscovered. Stay from the hour and all the stupid questions. Hey man, did you get some? Man, that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close. They can't hear. So we can get some. You get it.

All right, fuck it. Wasn't on my list. I think you might like it, David. Yeah. I didn't like it just now. No, well, yeah, no. But that's okay. It's a weird environment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a weird environment. This isn't when you want to hear it. When you want to hear it is driving through the suburbs in the back of maybe like a Corolla. Okay. I've been in the back of a lot of Corollas. Jesus Christ.

In any reasonable circumstance, this drinking would be considered a problem. Yeah, but we're comedians, so it's okay. I'm on vacation. That's right. I got a 9 a.m. flight, baby. I'm here till Monday. We can just go to the airport

tonight then because I don't feel like getting up at 9. So that's fun, right? What are you talking about? We're sharing a room so you just go to the airport tonight. I'm going to make you sleep.

He always talks that shit like he doesn't request you as a roommate. I know. He's always like Shane's the worst person to share a room with. He's like, oh, bud,

I'm so happy you're here. Which bed would you like? I do love it. It is fun. David, what curveball are you going to throw at us now? Oh, I don't think this is a curveball. I just always thought this is a good song about love. I'm picking the Let's Get Married remix by Jagged Edge.

Yep. What? Sing it. I feel like we're having a real break. I don't know your songs. You've never heard that song? Let's get married. Meet me at the altar in your white dress. We ain't getting no younger girls, so we might as well do it. I like it.

Fill you for some time, girl. I must confess. I don't know the words to this. I just want to get married. Yeah, it's my favorite. It was so good. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's a good song. We ain't getting any younger. Let's do this. It's very romantic. It is very

romantic because I like the idea that they were in love so long it was like, nah, fuck it. This is just what we're supposed to be doing. That's a real 245 of the bar ass lyric. That's like what a regional manager from a blockbuster says when they're starting to close up. Listen, I didn't shit on your lyrics from your fucking-

You absolutely did. Tween angst bullshit. You literally did. Sound like a fucking song off of that show Pepper Ann. I don't listen to- My hopes are so high that you- Kiss my kill me. This guy gets it.

We're going to party. This guy is not me, your friend. David. Let's Get Married remix. Jagged Edge. Jagged David. Let's Get Married remix. Jagged Edge. Jagged Edge. Let's Get Married. What was the other Jagged Edge song?

Where the Party At with Nelly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one I know. Then there was the one, The Keys to the Range. It was all love songs. Where the Party At. No, that wasn't Jagged Edge. Anyway.

Yeah, it was just Jagged Edge and Nelly. Yeah, that's who it was. How do we not anybody know? We don't know each other's songs. Maybe we're not as close as we all think. I'm going to sleep in the tub. And yet somehow we still get along. A jock, a soch, Shane.

That's because I can't be put into a category because I check every box Tony Boy, Dally, 2-Bit, you're all of them? Yep Soda Pop, Emilio Estevez Ralph Macchio You're Tom Cruise in that? Tom Cruise, yeah

My cake dude My third pick is going to be something I don't think anyone else would take and maybe not all you know it, and it's also by a children's musician, but it's one of my favorite songs ever, and it's one of my favorite love songs, and also

it was in the movie. Baby Beluga. It's Baby Beluga by Rafiq. Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow, back to my home I dare not go for if

I do my mother will say have you ever seen a whale swimming in a ditch down by the, that's not it here it's by Barry Louis Polisar and the name of the song is All I Want Is You, and it's... Will you be my bride? Take me by the hand and stand by my side. All I want is you.

Will you stay with me? Hold me in your arms and swing me like a sea. And then there's a harmonica. I like that. Way better than the last one. Right? I think that sounded great. It's so, it's just fucking, it's just sweet, man.

It's just fucking sweet. It's like biting into a sugar cookie with frosting on it. But like back when we were kids and you, you know, weren't like, uh-oh, is this going to be the thing that does it? Too real! Too real! We're sweating and all we're doing is talking. I don't know, I'm pouring out my heart.

I'm fine, actually. I'm not really sweating. Your hair is so fucked up. It's a power maze. My hair's fucked up. Your face is fucked up. Easy, Shane. You're gorgeous. I know.

Oh, wait. His hair's fucked up? I thought you said my hair was fucked up. Yeah, Shane's got that third act of the Patriot hair going on right now. He does? Which brings me to my fourth pick, Mel Gibson's phone call. You can stay there, but you don't own it. Oh, my God.

Man, he made good movies before everybody figured out who he really was. And a few good ones after that. I still fuck with Braveheart. I don't care. He said a lot of terrible stuff about Jews, but also we can watch Braveheart, so who's really winning? Us, the Jews, once again. I'm proud of it. Every time I chime in on this, I feel weird.

Go on, get in there. We had that long talk on that plane. I'm not going to do it again. We did have a good talk. We had a loud talk. We had a loud Jew talk on the plane. David and I were both in first class, sitting next to each other, being pals,

and we had a loud talk about Jews and showbiz in a way where, like, it could have been the end for either one of us. And then we cut to the audience, and they were the least surprised they've ever been by anything. Like, during this chat, was somebody holding up a newspaper, and then

they were just like, Jesus. There was a guy in the back who you could tell wanted to get in on it, but at the wrong times. That kind of guy. I was like, Ian, why do people think

the Jews control the media? And the guy in the back was like, yeah, answer me that. I'll tell you why. It's 820. We're all right.

Okay, my fourth pick. Oh, shit. Appropriate. It's going to be another. It's a duet. And it's John Prine and Iris DeMint. And the name of the song is In Spite of Ourselves.

It's a country. It's she don't like her eggs all runny. She thinks crossing her legs is funny. She looks down and knows that money. She gets it on like the Easter Bunny. She's my baby. I'm her honey. Never gonna let her go.

I love it. Yeah. It's fun. I love the lyrics right here. It's great bounce to it. I think we all went real personal on this. It's just a real good song about being like, look at us. We're all a couple of scumbags,

but we found each other. Let's fucking, let's rot from the inside out together. It's like, I just love that. Like two imperfect people. We found love in a hopeless place. Yeah. David. Hello, darling.

Oh, wait, oh, Sean was going to maybe take that. But, ah, I don't know. It's just really nice. It's a fucking honest love song, and I think that's so nice. I mean, like, My Girl, my first pick, was a very, like, you know. It's never like that all the time. It's the fake cheeseburger they take a picture of to put on the McDonald's menu.

Yeah, but I want the Whopper at 4 a.m. That's what this song is. I want that one under the heat lamp. This song is the Whopper at 4 a.m. where you're like, oh, there's a mouse in it, but that's all right. That's like, yeah, when you're, like, hooking up with a girl you're not sure about. Give me the 4 a.m. Whopper at 4 a.m. where you're like, oh, there's a mouse in it, but that's all right. That's like, yeah, when you're like hooking up with a girl you're not sure about. Give me the 4 a.m. Whopper. Yeah, it's like going down on someone where they have a tampon in, but you love them, so who cares? Oh, that's never happened to you.

That's never happened to you. Throw the fuck up. Throw the fuck up. Sorry, my man will get the work done. What do you think your dick tastes like, you fucking children? Oh, you thought the whole summer of 69 was sweet. Who gives a fuck? You know what he's doing.

Hot boy summer. Your body is full of blood anyway. You let my dick was in your mouth. I can't kiss you. Oh, you're going to swallow a little extra blood? You're a fucking adult. Boys. This guy's allowed to do whatever he wants.

Go down on girls when they're on their period. It's the nicest thing you can do. Yeah. Holy crap. wants. Go down on girls when they're on their period. It's the nicest thing you can do. Yeah. Holy crap. It's hard for you that they're on their period, you selfish fuck. Put a fucking towel down. No, I stand by everything you guys

don't say. Don't even put a towel down. Remember it with a sting. Oh yeah, that? David, time for your fourth pick. I feel the same way about my fourth pick as you do about that last fourth pick and the 4AM Whopper. God, this makes me feel like such a piece of trash.

I'm picking Toxic by Britney Spears. Yeah. Pick of the draft. We've all, we've all been there. We all know what it feels like and it feels so good until it feels bad but then it feels good again

but then it feels real bad and you call your mom and you tell her it feels bad and maybe you're gonna give up on comedy and move back to Denver and take that roofing job at Jason's company

and then eventually you're the voice but then it feels good again eventually you're the voice good again then you're the voice of Comedy Central and it goes like that for two years and then you get rich

that's an extremely real sentence you just said I'm not lying yeah toxic by yeah there's nothing to explain how's that one go your love is a toxic

now you do it I don't know you're toxic Your love is a toxin. Now you do it. I don't know. You're toxic. I'm trying to get Shane to suck off this microphone. Damn. See, he does it without being asked. That would be so funny if you just barfed all over that.

Try to show off. Doc and I had to walk around with a mic like... Another situation we've all been in. You don't have to show off. You don't have to... You know what I love on Toxic is when they... Oh, I thought... Where they flip that and it's like... Yeah, yeah.

I like the video too. She's on the... She's like... She's a flight attendant, right? In the beginning. Yeah, yeah. I like the video, too. She's on the, she's like, she's a flight attendant, right? In the beginning, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shane's still thumbing through his fucking open web pages. I got a pic.

I had a lot of pics. There's still some left on the board. I'm just going through it, baby. Don't worry about it. By the way, me and Sean have merch in the back after this. We were supposed to mention it

at some point. Yeah, and you can just give me 20 bucks. I'll also be selling $10 bills for $11 I got this from Ian And we want to take pictures and stuff Oh yeah, we'll take pics and all that, we'll be outside But me and Sean got t-shirts and flasks

Real quick, yeah, David has t-shirts, I have flasks and albums So yeah, stop by and say what's up And buy something and yeah Let's fucking chill out a little bit Shane, your fourth pick We have four minutes for the next round and a half Are you serious? Stop by and say what's up and buy something. And yeah, let's fucking chill out a little bit. Shane, your fourth pick? We have four minutes for the next round and a half. Are you serious?

Yeah, well, figure it out. We're all right. Go ahead. We're going to be fine. Turn down the lights. Turn down the bed. Oh, damn. Yeah, Shane. Turn down these voices.

Tell them about it. Inside my head. Get it, Shane. Lay down with me. Get it, Shane. Get him, Shane. More fire! Brr, brr! Don't patronize. Because I can't make you love me.

You don't. My dad sang this in the cab of his truck when my folks got divorced. You can't make me love you. If you see Shane after this, just give him a hug. Big one. Or give me a parent. You can use mine. We'd love to have you. Yeah. You can use mine. We'd love to have you.

You can use mine if you can find them. You want to come for Thanksgiving? Yeah. I got a dental appointment in Portland. I'll come. Perfect. I, one of your best friends, also want to come to Thanksgiving. Anybody wants to come to the Carmel's for Thanksgiving? Is this...

Do you guys do Thanksgiving? I don't know the rules! I don't know the rules! We've always had an open dialogue about this! Why? I told you I'm ignorant of it, and I want to know the truth. That's why I asked. We do.

Okay, that's all I wanted to know. But we're thankful for different things. That's all I needed to know. For the blood of Christ on our hands. I didn't know if it was like the Kwanzaa deal. I don't know. Bonnie Raitt,

I Can't Make You Love Me. So good. It's like, I can't not cry when I hear that fucking song. You're crying right now. I know. Who is it that did

the cover of it recently that was so good? Bonnie Vare did it. Oh yeah, Bonnie. Yeah, and it's fucking so good. He was all up here the whole time. How can I make you love me?

It's crazy. And then there's a YouTube video of it. You have to check it out because he covers that song and it's beautiful. And then he just turns it right into Loving the Nick of Time. And you're just like, oh my god, I feel so much better now. That song is so good.

Yeah, he's amazing. Can't Make You Love Me. So fucking good. My last pick is going to be a ridiculous choice. That's a fucking Sue Carmel classic, Bonnie Raitt, that whole album. Yeah, I mean, actually, you know, she's considered one of the greatest slide guitar players. I've heard that, yeah. So check it out. She's a fucking bad lady.

Also, that gray, she's got that right here, you know? It's tight. I like that. Oh, her hair? Yeah, she's not fucking around. I've said it before, but the original Rogue, fuck off Rogue, Bonnie Ra? It's tight. I like that. Oh, her hair? Yeah, she's not fucking around. I've said it before, but the original Rogue. Fuck off, Rogue.

Bonnie Raitt got there first. Sean! Your last two picks. All right. This is my grandma's favorite song. It means the world to me. It's a country song. It's by Randy Travis.

Were you there? I'm just going to sing it. You may think that I'm talking foolish You've heard that I'm wild and I'm free You guys think Randy Travis is here? It's just me, it's just me You may wonder how I can promise you now

This love that I feel for you always will be But you're not just time that I'm killing. I'm no longer one of those guys. As sure as I live, this love that I give is gonna be yours until the day that I die. Oh darling, I'm gonna be yours until the day that I die, oh darling I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever, amen As long as old men sit and talk about the weather

As long as old women sit and talk about old men If you wonder how long I'll be faithful I'm happy to tell you again I'm gonna punch you Oh, I'm gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever, forever and ever, amen. That was tight. And that's the song girls in Tennessee get pregnant to.

I love that song. There's a lyric in there. That's pretty. Something about when your hair turns, something about like when your hair turns gray, well, honey, I don't care. I'm not loving your hair, with your hair. And when it all turns gray, well, honey, I don't care. I'm not loving your hair with your hair. And when it all turns gray,

I'm going to love it. Trying to be sentimental over here, David. Randy Travis is one of the more aggressive firsty firsties there is. Yeah, he is. First name, first name? Yeah, yeah, firsty firsty.

That's like the most country-ass first name, first name in the world. You know what more country-ass is Travis Randy. That's a little more country-ass if his name were Travis Randy. I went to high school with a guy named Larry

Newberry. What's more country? Randy Travis or Travis Randy? I think Randy Travis, dude. Is Travis Randy a real guy or are you just saying? No, I'm just saying. Travis Randy sounds like someone is horny and is describing, like doesn't have good sentence structure. Travis Randy.

I thought to you that's what Randy Travis says when he's horny. Look how Travis Randy, when he smells this bus spent. A British, oh, God. All right, what's your last pick, Shay? Sean, whose last pick? It's Sean's last pick. Do you have one more? Sean, your last pick.

We got to go fast. I'm sorry, you just took nine minutes singing that entire Randy Travis song. I apologize. I want to sex you up by Color Me Bad. I won't sing any of it, but it's the best song. Why did you sing that? It's Grandma's second favorite love song. Making love until we drown?

Dog. That's making love. Making love until we... That's fucking...'s making love. Making love until we... That's not... That's fucking... Juices. If you're going to drown in it, you are fucking...

Yeah, so I'm done. I want to sex you up, color me bad. Sorry for taking so long on the Randy Travis song. That meant a lot to me, so thanks for letting me do that. Now just think about you

and your grandma driving around. All right, cool. Shane, your final pick? It's a song about the love of the Lord. Oh. No. Big booty hoes! No. Honestly, I'm pretty

drunk, so I'm just going to say this. Get out of town. This is not going to be a sing-along song, but there's a song called Asleep by the Smiths. Some of you know it. I'm not even going to sing the lyrics, but maybe like the happiest moment of my life

was meeting a girl and listening to this song and getting drunk in a bar. And now she's with some guy named Duck. She better not be. I don't know if she is or isn't. I miss her so much. If you listen to this podcast, call me. She listens.

No, I like you shooting your shot. Yeah, yeah. She knows that I miss her. Hey, can I get eight more rounds? It's worked all so far. Can we get like a lot of cocaine? Yeah, I just... That song's really beautiful and it's sweet

and it was our song and... Like a lot? So I'll give... What? So hopefully she hears this and is like, I miss you so much too. How are we going to figure it out? And I'm like, I don't know.

Doug ain't hitting it right. Oh, that's weird. I don't think she's dating anyone because I look at her Instagram too much. David, your final pick? God. Don't you dare. You had a granny fuck song. Hey, granny's fuck too, man.

I got some websites if you don't believe me. They fuck a lot. Yeah, man. Because they don't have anything else to do. You never clicked the mature... All right, whatever. Reader's Digest is only like 60 pages, and then you gotta fuck after that.

You know this? You finish up the crossword. David, your final pick. I'm not thinking about old ladies. Oh, my final pick is Can We Talk by Tevin Campbell. Yeah, yeah. It's like, nobody knows my songs. And I think they're the best songs, but Can We Talk by Tevin Campbell.

Look it up. It's about meeting a woman. It's beautiful. Yeah, all these baristas don't know your songs. All these baristas. Do you call them baristas? I'm drunk. I think that's it. don't know your song. All these baristas. Do you call them baristas? I just, I'm drunk. I think that's it. Barista Melnick.

Super producer barista. Wow, that was a catch. That's pretty great. Thank you. I recently won an Emmy. Actually, could you fill my Emmy with whiskey? Can I see that? No, I know what you're going to do with it.

You stay away from my Emmy. I was going to throw it on the ground so hard. I know. You can find Shane drinking... Well, good luck breaking it. It's solid gold. You can find Shane drinking Steel Reserve out of that in front of the Walgreens he bought it from

at about 2 in the morning tonight. Do you have any more thoughts about this Tevin Campbell song or should we wrap her up? We can wrap it up. I just love it. I think it's beautiful. I love the chorus. I like the video a lot. I like Tevin Campbell a lot. Beautiful. How does it go?

Can we talk for a minute? Girl, I want to know your name. Can we talk? And then he has a breakdown. He's like, come on and talk to me, baby. Come on and talk to me, honey.

This is a great song, man. I love it. Yeah, it's beautiful. I'll play it for you backstage. It might not play as well in this room, but I think once we get onto the World Wide Web, have you guys seen this internet thing, it's beautiful. I'll play it for you backstage. It might not play as well in this room, but I think once we get onto the World Wide Web, have you guys seen this internet thing? It's crazy.

I think you'll be borne out. We'll see what happens. My final pick. Yep. Contrived, I will admit, what I'm about to do. But it's a song. I mean, love can be any number of things. And this is a song that St. Sue Carmel used to sing to me

when I was just a tiny little curly-haired boy. I had one like that on the book, yeah. I didn't know we could do that. I thought it was about being in love with people you love. You picked a ball pit when we were drafting Fast Food. Yeah, that was a vision. You picked a bean burrito, no onions. Let's hear it.

And it's a song for me that I think, like, it really left a mark because it's really defined the way I approach relationships with anyone I love because I really think it's true. And it goes like this. And if you know the song, feel free to join in. Come, baby, come, baby, baby, come. Come, baby, come, baby, let me give some.

Come here, rude boy, boy, is it big enough? Get in there and work that sack. Get it on up in that crack. Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain. We all have sorrow. We all have sorrow, but if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow. Lean on me. When you're not strong, I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on for it won't be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on Lean on me brother, when you need a hand.

We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you'd understand. We all need somebody Thank you guys buy a flask from Sean I'll ride up the road I'll share your load If you just call me Call me If you need a friend Call me

Call me Call me If you need a friend Call me If you ever need a friend Call me If you need a friend Call me If you ever need a friend Call me Call me Call me

Call me Call me Call me Call me If you need a friend Call me Call me if you need a friend. Call me. That was a HeadGum Podcast.