All Fantasy Everything - Mailbag (w/ Sean Jordan and David Gborie)

Episode Date: November 23, 2017

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that today is doing kind of a shorter episode. And instead of a draft, for the first time ever, we are doing an All Fantasy Everything mailbag. What? Yes, with questions mailed in from you. The listener. There it is. The Moffkin listener.

The Moffkin listener. Somebody on Twitter, they asked about a story about something, Shane, and I was like, kale hair, and they go, I want to hear that.

So real quick, Shane was eating a fucking salad one time. Oh, kale hair. Just right up top. The first thing, I haven't introduced, I mean, everybody knows that it's the two of you on there.

I haven't even tried. He was eating a salad. Who was he trying to impress? He didn't know, but he just got kale in his beard, and Zach put a video on the internet before Shane even knew he had it in his hair. Oh, because he's a prick. Anyway, there we go. Got it out of the way. Was that the Oh Honey story, too? Got it out of the way. The what? Is that Oh Honey, or is that a different

story? It's a different story. All right, cool. We'll save it. Wait, can I also say, before we go any further, shout out to, I'll just say your Instagram name, then you get a follow or something. I'm not going to follow it, too. Aaron, my man, Big Lunch 88, came out in Springfield. We found some beers. Came back to the hotel, drank some beers with me and Keith 30.

Hell yeah. We talked wrestling. We found some beers. Came back to the hotel, drank some beers with me and Keith 30. Hell yeah. We talked wrestling. We talked some basketball. Good dude. Thanks for coming out and driving three and a half hours to see me. That's weird. You switched it up and had a couple drinks after a show, huh? Yeah, I just figured I'd start trying it out. Hard to do kettlebells after every show, man. At some point

you start getting T-jacked. I'm too hard looking. I'm too way out. No one's going to laugh if they're terrified. Big shout outs to everyone who came out in Houston

to the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. That was awesome. A lot of All Fantasy Everything fans came out. We did a live episode that may or may not ever see the light of day.

But yeah, people came out to the festival. It was awesome. Thank you for coming. Thank you for buying me drinks and chilling. Gotta do the festival it was awesome thank you for coming thank you for buying me drinks and chilling gotta do that it was awesome also thank you to who came out last night

oh Ben Oken Ben and his husband Zach was his husband yeah you guys were sweethearts thank you for coming out they came out to the show that was awesome I was stoked about it whatever his name is, man. You were there.

That was rad. Yeah, so shout out to everybody. Thank you so much for coming and supporting us live. We truly appreciate it. So what we're going to do, a bunch of you sent in questions. I just put the word out today because we didn't know if we were going to be able to even do a show. And we have a small window of time. So we're just going to answer some of your questions.

Busy boys. Yeah, we're busy boys. We to give you so we wanted to make sure we don't sucks traveling on thanksgiving it's gonna suck for me traveling on thanksgiving tomorrow uh i'm gonna go to wine country with zach yeah you might be going to wine country with zach i wouldn't go anywhere with this gandhi you're not coming back or you could stay down here in slime country with me man drink some 40s That's what's up. I mean, if it weren't for the Carmel clan,

I'd be staying down here. Yeah, it'd be great. We could go to the Build Your Own Soda Station. Just play jazz together. I may have to work on Friday, too. Neither here nor there.

Nothing fun about work. Well, where it is is in Glendale. So it is there. Yeah, I wouldn't go. I mean, Zach, you know, he's our friend and everything, but I feel like, dude, you're going to end up in a basement. I buckle, man. I buckle hard to peer pressure.

I know. So whoever pressures me more, I'm like. Which is crazy because I just copped you a ticket to fly to Portland, so you're going to have to come up. I would fucking spit on Zach on my way out the door. It's going to be tough. It's going to be tough to go to wine country. We can have this conversation off air. Probably all of it.

Probably all of it. So, I mean, we have some fun questions here. I'm just going to shout them out. Just shout them. And we're going to answer the main question we got, the biggest one from a variety of people. I think the first person to send it in was, oh God.

Oh yeah, Francis DiNardo was the first person to send it in, but a lot of people sent it in. They want to know how we all got to meet each other, how we all got to know each other in the first place. They want our origin story. I mean, it was just stand up. No, it was the three finalists in the big dick contest, wasn't it? It's just stand-up.

No, it was the three finalists in the Big Dick Contest, wasn't it? If you guys could have seen how happy Sean was, tell him that joke. I thought of it like 10 seconds ago when I knew what he was going to ask me. I'm like, oh, it's all right. Sean is grateful for that joke. You looked like you couldn't believe you got to say it. Well, you didn't think you were going to get it out. It's comedy, right? I'm like, yeah.

Race in the life. Yeah, so it was the Big Dick Contest in 2011. It was the Big Dick Contest, yeah, 2011. Somehow, we were the three finalists and none of us won. It was fucked. I remember pretty specifically meeting Ian, we were doing the Portland Comedy competition. Yeah, the Portland amateur comedy competition. We were at Dante's

and nobody, I didn't know anybody and I was just watching basketball and Ian came up and just started watching basketball and then we just started talking. Yeah. And I was like, 10 seconds? I'm like, this is the dude. We'll be friends for quite some time. Yeah. I forget what game it was, but yeah, we were in that

contest. It was a playoff game because it was, but yeah, we were in that contest. It was a playoff game. Because it was in, well, what's in April? The playoffs? It was in April. Yeah, yeah. So it was on, I don't think it was the Blazers. It was on early.

Yeah. It was like 5 o'clock. And then we did the Portland Amateur Comedy Contest together. And then just became friends. Did anybody win? Did you guys win it? Ian got first. I got fifth.

Yeah. I took a gentleman's $50 out of the deal. What'd you get for first? $500? Damn! What? I'll tell you what you get for first 500 damn i'll tell you what i got for first was we all got hammered that night because he had one for his place i was fine for everybody we went to the space room and i was buying purple aliens and shit for people just the sweetest drink that like i couldn't even handle right now oh dude yeah they

were like they look like little grimaces like actual little oh yeah you got to do that at least one time yeah the space room is like a cocktail bar but not one of these or a like a tiki bar almost but not one of these like classy fun ones like one with like is it that place across from mount tabor yeah 100 i've been there yeah i got a cheeseburger in there yeah yeah yeah it's one of those joints yeah when did you meet dave i remember when dav and I first clicked, really. I remember when we first met, though, and then that's, well, okay. What I'm thinking of is, because I met David, but I don't, it was like Bridgetown, and we didn't really get it done. Amy introduced me to you. Because Amy was like, you need to meet Sean.

He's like you. Yeah. I was like, huge dick. I just come up with two 40s and a giant dick. It was High Plains last year, and you were there, too, when we were sitting on the couch, and I was like, this is the fucking. That was when I knew that you knew my name. I was like, David knows me.

That's for me. That's so weird because I knew you before that. Also, that weekend, we were all ripped out of the frame. Yeah. Holy shit. I had been on a real clean diet for a month going into that, and then threw it all away. Not the place for that.

Threw it all away. That was when me and you did the dab and I blew it. Oh, shit. I remember that. He was like this guy who's like a weed magnate in Denver. Yeah. Kayvon Calipari. Uh-huh.

That dude is going places. Yeah, that dude's going all the places. He's a big wheel. He invited us to like upstairs to his secret office to smoke a dab. And he was like, yeah, man, we can smoke in here. Just try to hold it in. Just don't blow it all out immediately. And I took a ripper and just like.

It came out like I broke the glass on an aquarium. Like Lee the Weapon 2 when Mel Gibson breaks that aquarium. None of us were holding it in, by the way. What did we spoil? What did we? I don't know who we thought we were. That shit's hard to do. What?

That Kayvon dude, I think I met him with another guy in Denver. This other dude's name was Doug. And later on in the night, I was like, hey, what up, Doug? And to that Doug guy, and he goes, oh, it's Doug, actually. He thought that I thought his real name was Dog. When I go, And to that Doug guy, and he goes, oh, it's Doug, actually. He thought that I thought his real name was Doug. When I go, what's up, Doug? And he goes, no, it's Doug. And I'm like, I fucking know your name's not Doug, dude.

So that's how we met. Yeah, that's right. There it is. David, I feel like you and I really bonded that one night just talking about how we didn't like. Didn't like the new Kendrick. The new Kendrick that much. We didn't like to pimp a butterfly. We were upstairs in

bridgetown uh-huh and we just like end up sitting next to each other drinking some beers and just talking talking kind of loose about the to pimp a butterfly i was so happy because no one hid i hadn't been able to get that off my chest at that point yeah it was it remains an unpopular opinion but the one i think is gaining strength i think so yeah yeah it is for sure we're on the right side of history. Because people were scared to say they didn't like it when it came out because it's Kendrick Lamar. And it was so dense. It's like, do I like

Atlas Shrug? I don't know. It's big. It's really hard to get through. Turns out, no. I don't like that. Or to pimp a letter play that much. So that's how we all got to know each other. Here's a question from Daniel Harlow. What's up, Dan?

For all of you, what is your personal favorite nickname for Shane Torres? The Hispanic Titanic, man. That's a good one. All day. I like Wyatt Burp. That's right. I actually do love old sampler platter. Old sampler pee, dude. Just because I've had a few people say it to me, and whenever somebody says it in real life, it's so funny.

Somebody said it at Come and Take It. They're like, where's sampler platter? The the people want shane torre shane you gotta come west dude yeah come west by the way everybody pack your hobo bindle he said that he was at a restaurant not at a venue like by the venue and somebody came up and whispered sampler platter while he was eating and i'm like fuck yeah that's so let's keep that let's make that a movement if you afv fans if you're out and about and you see Shane Torres eating, whisper in his ear. Yeah.

Sample platter. 20 bucks a head. Send him a sample platter. If you're in a restaurant that has a sample platter, just buy one for the table. That would be the, you just can't go to fucking Red Robin anymore. The gentleman at the booth sent you a sampler platter. Those two ladies over there

want you to have this sampler platter. And they poured water all over it to send a message. Yeah, so those are three good ones. Here's a fun question from Ben Kula. Okay, this is an amazing question. I haven't heard this before.

You have 100 pounds of B you have to fight against. How do you split that up to try and have it be the most successful? I.e., do you fight just one 100-pound B, 25-pound Bs? Oh. You know?

Oh. God, a five-pound B sounds horrifying. And he says, keep in mind the B bees are sized relative to how heavy a normal bee is one bee weighs one four thousandth of a pound so a one pound bee is still fucking huge really a one pound bee is still huge yeah i would probably a hundred pounds of bee so what do i got do i got weapons on me do i got my tools i think it's i don't think it's just you man i think this is a hand-to-hand thing.

Yeah, dude. You got David and Bori right and left. Give them a two-piece. So here's what I think. If I bump them up to like four to five pounds, I need them to be big enough that I can grab them by the stinger. Yeah, right? You know what I'm saying?

I feel like that's a 10-pound bee. Okay. So then I take 10 10-pound bees. Yeah, that's the only thing. Because if I can grab it by the stinger, I grab two, balk them together. That's three down. You know what I'm saying?

If it's huge, it's not going to be able to... If it's huge, I feel like the tail isn't going to be able to impale me because they're too big. Are they coming in backwards? I bet you those wings get going pretty fast when they're big, and those could probably... But they're cumbersome they're really like they don't fly they fly but the flight of the bumblebee they don't fly like that well right i'm fighting i'm fighting the hundred pound

bee you're fighting no i know that's a huge bee isn't that like i know that's a huge that's like as big as this room isn't it no it can't be as big as this room how big is a one pound bee do we if if a normal bee is how big one four thousandth of a pound according to ben kula is a one pound b to me if a normal b is how big one four thousandth of a pound according to ben cooler so a one pound b is four thousand times the size of a b of one b is that what am i am i a moron it's like a piñata that's what he says is for it would take four thousand bees to make a pound of bees well here's what i'm saying i don't know if your science checks out yeah i don't know either i feel. I'm not 100% sure that's accurate. Yeah.

This is a super- It can't be 4,000. Either way, because I can't let them gang up on me. Or, you know what you do is you just fight however many normal bees that is. It's also a bee, though. It's like- That big grip. I'm just going to-

You can punch through it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You can rip its wings off. If you're ripping wings off Once you rip the wings off There you go It's not an issue The size to rip the wings off

Cause you Yeah whatever size I can rip Cause then I just Cause even if you rip Just popping wings Yeah even if you Pop one wing off It's still gonna fall

So you just gotta get Your back against the wall Yeah Like the race So they can't sneak up on you You just like go in the bathroom And just crack the door And be like one at a time

Come on in So Ben Koolis So that's how well Did you ever answer? John? I mean Yeah 101 pounders

I guess That sounds fucking gnarly though You gotta worry about fatigue though Here's a question No I've never been tired actually Robert Anderson sends in Who among you would be the best nude model for an art class? I don't know.

Listen, that's like, pick your favorite child. Yeah, I know. You're going to have to make that call. Yeah, we tied in the big dick competition. Yeah, I mean, how much room do they got in there? And what's your flavor? Yeah, what are you talking about? These are three very different flavors.

Yeah, there really is. I don't think that's fair, pal. I don't know. I've got like chest hair and shoulder hair. That would be like hard to shade in. Yeah. My, yeah, I got, the body hair is just, it's up there. Yeah.

And that, I got a weird torso that I'm not thrilled about. And I got bingo wings, little bird arms. I don't need that. Bingo wings? Uh-huh.. And I got bingo wings, little bird arms. I don't need that. Bingo wings. David, I think you might be the most intriguing nude model, David. I think it would be like an interesting thing. You couldn't look away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, David. Not a contest I thought I was going to win when I woke up this morning. Let's find... Oh, here's one's one uh tom sturdy wants to know this sean this is just for you sturdy tom sturdy hell yeah dude yeah uh he wants to know how you spell the kosh and throwing kosh into the way i spelled it c-a-u-t c-a-u-t because i thought it was short okay cool i what a fucking idiot i am i can't don't be like that. I listened to that not too long ago, and I sounded so dead serious.

I was like, wait, is that short for caution? Thinking I was going to blow all your hair back. I wish that I could somehow isolate that and make that my ringtone. God, I know, too. Just that moment. Just the feeling. Just like a one-minute clip of that. Whatever somebody's calling me.

I wish there was a drug I could take that gave me the feeling. Oh my God. Right after. If I could take Kosh pills, I would shoot Kosh into my fucking eyeballs, dude. That's so good. Jake Pettit asks, have you ever eaten out of the trash? Yeah. Of course.

Of course. Yeah. I didn't like how easy that was. I've pulled tons of shit I've never eaten like out of a mall Or a street garbage can No no no But like in a house or at a party

I've gone and taken like Thrown away ranch And got that back out Be like ah I wasn't actually done with this There's still a little more in there Yeah I've definitely taken like pizza and donuts Off the top of the trash before

I've used toilet paper out of the trash If you want to get real into it I've used ads out of the trash for toilet paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my earlier, when I was really running wild. Newspaper, get that newsprint on your butt. Yeah, whatever. I got your discounted lumber.

Ball sack is the times. I'll go to Lowe's one. Jake Pettit had another fun question. What's the best song I've never heard? So I think what that means is, what's like a cut you would recommend to someone that maybe is like kind of outside of the mainstream i have i have two because like i don't like i don't know how into pop music our listeners are sure i've been really feeling sign of the times by harry styles recently you have and so have i and bad liar by selena gomez those are like sincerely two of my favorite songs of the year.

It's so good. It's so, ooh, baby, let's. It's so good. I fucking love that song. Reality. Yep. Actuality. And it's got that Talking Heads bass line in the background.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Those are two cuts, man. Like that Harry Styles song, I want to like sing along to it and cry and soon. It's good. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely agree.

I mean, I'm going to say an Atmosphere song just because they're the best. Do they follow you on Twitter? Yeah, they do. And I fucking love it. It's called Ha, This One Is About Alcohol Too. But it's just off of one of the sad clown EPs from like a decade ago. Is this an insane clown posse thing again? No, it's an Atmosphere thing.

What would you call them? The Wacky Circus Crew? Wacky Circus Gang. You're talking about the Wacky Circus Gang? You want to talk about a cut from ICP? Talk about great Malenko, dude. The beat's still on point. I'm going to recommend a few more.

If you like indie rock, Drunk Driver slash Killer Whales by Car Seat Headrest. Who did you show me last night that I'd never heard of? Oh, Phoenix. Yeah, Phoenix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have heard of Phoenix. They were great, dude. Yeah.

God. Also, that YouTube video of Prince playing the hal yeah, yeah. I have heard of Phoenix. They were great, dude. Yeah. God. Also, that YouTube video of Prince playing the halftime show. It's a deep cut. Watch that. Oh, yeah. That is a deep cut. Oh, I got a song. Yeah.

They say by Denver rapper Trev Rich. Ooh. Okay. Yeah. Also, What's Up Fat Lip by Fat Lip. That song is so good. Yeah, and I feel like it never gets the love it deserves. It never does.

Nobody ever talks about it. It's incredible. Dude, Fat Lip is fucking, yeah, that song is so good. Yeah, and I feel like it never gets the love it deserves. It never does. Nobody ever talks about it. It's incredible. Dude, Fat Lip is fucking, yeah, that song is great. That song is good. Yeah, it's really good. Oh, also, I've been listening to the Starleto tape. If you can even find it, it's called Step Brothers, and the song Fortune off of the newest Starleto tape.

That's one of those mixtapes, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it might be on Spotify. There's this band that Nick Harris turned, the manager at Helium Comedy Club turned me on to. It's called Laney, and there's a song called Dumb Stuff. Really good. Kind of poppy, but I've never heard of it in my entire life.

Dumb Stuff. It would be the perfect theme song for this podcast if we didn't already have the perfect theme song. Here's a couple of interesting questions. Mike McAllister asks what formative experience outside what's your most formative experience outside of comedy in the last 10 years what am i 30 yeah uh outside of comedy in the last 10 years. Oh, man, my DUI. Oh, yeah. If I didn't get a DUI, I wouldn't have moved to California. I wouldn't have gotten a job at the casino.

I wouldn't have started comedy. I'd have just been an Elizabeth. Right. What do you think you would have been doing without that? I would probably be, like, a manager at the call center. Yeah. Have a girlfriend that, like like maybe i would just be ready to commit to a marriage situation yeah one of those where you've been dating for eight years

but you're like just now getting married because like i don't want to marry her because then she's gonna want me to get rid of the monte carlo and get like a explorer for the snow right right right like that kind of thing we live uh we live you got a monte carlo in this yeah yeah this because i because i'm a manager at the call center. Yeah, he's doing all right. All right. And then, you know, yeah, probably live over off of like Havana and the Aventine, like those super tall apartments across from the Popeyes and just like smoke weed with the homies on the weekend.

I'll buy that. Maybe get into pool or fantasy football or something. Mm-hmm. I was so into pool back in the day. Oh, yeah. I had my own queue like a dickhead I would just walk into the nickel spot You had your own queue?

No bag either like Forrest Whitaker And the color money just fucking You had a dry queue? You pulled out of your pants you fucking asshole I just walked in Wielding it around being like I'm just kidding it's a queue Kiai Kiai Kiai You are good at nunchuck

I'm very good at nunchuck, yeah. Yeah. My most formative experience is moving to Portland. Does that count? Did you do that for comedy? I did. But I didn't do stand-up. Yeah, that kind of counts.

Towards the end of me living in Sioux Falls, I didn't do stand-up. I just worked at a bar and I was in horrible shape. You think I drink a lot now. I was in horrible shape. I didn't do shit. I just got drunk constantly. I was up to like five every night, slept till four, bartended, didn't do standup for like two years. So moving to Portland eventually was to do standup, but also it was just to get right. Like I went on a diet,

I quit smoking, I went running every day and I just like lived in a new city for the first time, which gave me a whole new lease on life yeah and that changed my entire life for the better i can't imagine what would happen if i didn't move see now when was nicole like 12 years ago or something she sent me a message the other day that's right yeah we gotta talk about that off there yeah all right well nothing it was a very sweet message i i finally like it was the first time i got a message because we haven't talked or corresponded in like eight years and the other day she goes hey i stumbled across your podcast night and my heart didn't like sink you know i was just like oh cool and i asked about her kids and stuff it was it was great she was

really nice and all that so no ill will i you know it was it was cool i mean if you want to talk to me nicole though the beef's still on the beef is still hot I keep it simple it's hot in the skillet over here I just wanted to listen because every time I say your name you go Nicole Nicole yeah that was like I mean yeah that was after I moved to

Portland and she got married so yeah it was that was yeah shit for better or worse I think mine was starting to smoke weed which happened when i was about 25 years old so that was within the last 10 years that's a lot of people's yes i mean good move yeah it's good that you started when you were an adult yes i feel very good about that you man i'm so glad a lot of years to basement so i don't think i'd have been a good i don't think i'd have been like uh i don't know i don't i don't think I'd have been like a... I don't know. I don't think I would have been a good young weed smoker.

Not that you are. I would have loved it too much and gotten way too into it. Right. That is the trap. That's what people do, and then they end up wearing ponchos and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I had one, but it was before I smoked weed. I'm picturing there's a picture...

You were just super chill. I was just real chill. It was purple, wasn't it? No, it was kind of a red, white, and blue, but it didn't look like the flag, but it was just those three colors. Did you ever call it a rug? Yeah, a drug rug, even though I didn't do drugs. It was that girl who I dated right before, after Jen, but right before I moved to LA. You know her.

Yep. Like that whole experience was very- It was a trip for sure for me it was not a healthy relationship uh pretty emotionally damaging but you don't you know but it taught me because i mean my first relationship my college girlfriend was like so it was really good and like but it was you know not very much an adult relationship and like i came out of it with without a lot i didn't have a ton of tools for like dating or like being equipped yeah for the world or anything like that and then i went right into the most the most tumultuous thing i'd

ever been involved in my entire life that's how it goes right yeah you just get like i was like fucking sinker it was a real sinker swim situation man yeah young hard love and outside of her house screaming for real like like checking checking your phone breaking cell phone checking the phone so much your heart just feeling like it is like getting like squeezed in a vice you feel good jessica i broke my rough riders nokia cell phone case for you my espn end zone phone or whatever there's a fucking playstation controller graveyard that's got tammy's name written all over it fuck you i'm playing tony hawk just snapping controllers and she'd be like you cool i'm like i'm good yeah what i'm not gonna say i just looked up and snapped eight controllers. It was just, it just like really, it really like grew me up quick.

Yeah. And then also like I like part of it, I eventually was like, there was a night when like she had blown off plans with me that I was super excited about. And that was the night I put on Facebook way back in the day. Like, all right, I'm moving to LA everybody so like oh you just decided i had been taught i had been talking about it i don't know if i've really talked about this before i've been like thinking about la i've been talking about it with my family and all that stuff i'm not even sure if i knew i had montreal yet but i think maybe i did but uh i was just like then i just put it out there i was like all right i'm leaving now you just gotta now to, because once you say it, once you really say it, you got to do it.

You got to do it. And I was like, I'm out of here. There's no future in this as much as I, you know, wish there was, or maybe not even, you know, whatever. And I'm not, I don't mean to like, she wasn't like the only, like I was making terrible mistakes in that relationship too. I was, I, you know, I should, I should have never been in it in the first place. And, you know, it was like equal parts, just two people being crazy. Yeah, you were there. I was right next to you.

Yeah, I don't mean to throw her under the bus at all. We were both under the bus. Some people are just bad for each other. Yeah. Like, in that good way. Like, it's like, you're good at kissing, but other than that, you're just bad. Well, we were not reading the Bible every night, either. You know, I mean, there was was stuff other stuff in the mix like it was way but it was way more

emotionally tumultuous than anything like anyway uh so that was maybe that and weed so you know we with the drug but you but the first 15 are all comedy things so yeah it's like that's what informed my life yeah yeah uh so good questions mike mcallister hell yeah mikey going in there all right about old stuff uh here's a good quick one daniela sage asks uh based on my loving all fantasy everything what other podcast should i be listening to just this one yeah i've listened to the back episodes i sucked with podcasts buy different phones and listen to it on that so you get our numbers up go to like different i go to a library and just see how many ip addresses they have and kind of download on every computer yeah yeah when the

librarian starts to say something just like write down her personal information and send that to us i mean there it is right there and we'll we'll do what we've done and people i mean like listen to the other there's some other really good ones on head gum listen to jake and amir's podcast that one yeah uh we had the we hate movies guys on here they seem chill uh that that's a fun one to listen to uh dough boys john gabrus is high and mighty uh kyle's what's kyle's boogie monster? Boogie Monster with Kyle Kinane. Yeah. I listen to Drink Champs. David listens to hip hop podcasts. You're into hip hop.

I used to listen to Tack Stone, but he's in prison now. That's probably my favorite podcast ever. Other than, I listen to only basketball podcasts. Yeah, Shots of Radical Rock. Yeah. I listen to a skateboarding podcast called The Nine Club. That's about it. We all just fell into our role right there.

We really did. Yeah. I don't even think you would necessarily like that if you like this is the other thing. Tax season is not all fantasy. It's very different. Okay. Michael Perkins asks, Young Perkins.

Young Perkins in the building. Perkins-stein. Perkins in the building. Worst night of drinking at college or a college story in general? Ah. I got a dank one. Go ahead. I've been to one frat party in my whole life.

And the dude, so this girl Megan invited me in speech class. She's like, you should come to my boyfriend's frat tonight. His name's Brad Hamilton, who's the main character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Oh, yeah. And I was like, that's hilarious. And she goes, why is that hilarious? Andad hamilton who's the main character in fast times at richmond high oh yeah and i was like that's hilarious and she goes why is that hilarious and i go he's the main character and so we we laughed walking to this frat party dude comes down the stairs i go you're brad hamilton that's fucking awesome and he's like why and i go it's just funny that's the main character in fast times and he goes get out i just left it was the only time i've ever been

damn you just rolled out i was solo and there were like ever been to a party. Are you left? Yeah, dude. Damn, you just rolled out? I was solo, and there were like 30 of them. Oh, yeah. That's why you can't be going to house parties by yourself. I was 18. I was just like- No, I know. That's like the age where you start learning that.

Yeah, I learned it. I was like, peace. Went and drank a 40 and watched Top Gun without him. There you go. That's a better time. Way better. Nobody wants to be the one dude in the party. Oh, cool.

Another dude showed up. Everybody's going to be super happy I'm here. Hey, where's the beer at? It's at a different house, fucking jerk. It's at the 7-Eleven New York crib. I have one. I went freshman year of college. I went to visit my friend who was going to the University of Oregon.

I went to Southern Oregon University. So it was a woman who went. This is my friend Tracy. And I went up there, and I had bought a fifth of spiced rum. And I drank all of it. And then just sort of got lost at U of O. And like I definitely blacked out and only have sparse recollection. I remember me running through a basement like pounding on the walls like that.

Get up. I remember wandering around outside. I think somebody tried to pick a fight with me. Hell yeah. And I woke up in the showers, fully clothed, in the shower, but on a woman's floor, just passed out on the ground, wet. The shower wasn't running anymore, but i think it must have been for so i woke up just like whoa hey didn't have like a dry pair of clothes so i had to just like

make my way back to ashland in that in that state what a bummer yeah it was terrible after that i didn't well no that's not true after that i drank less chips all at the same time yeah i uh i didn't i only went to college for nine months yeah and they were like amateurs by the I drank less all at the same time yeah I uh I didn't I only went to college for nine months yeah and they were like

amateurs by the time I got there because I went to college when I was like 21 but college age uh one time when I was like 20 I was drinking

and my buddy was like you want to go out tonight and I was like oh man I'm fucking drunk I can't drive and he was like it's cool we're riding and he took the keys

to my Chevy Lumina. And we go around all these places. And all I really can recall from the night is at one point being in the back and slamming a half a 40 of Evil Eye. If you're from Colorado, you remember they had Evil Eye. They were these 12% 40s. And puking back into the 40 bottle. Damn.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody in the car like, this dude's crazy. Like, they loved me for it. And then we just went to like 20 underground illicit spots. Like, at one point, we were in a trailer. And there were two dudes with a shotgun. Yeah.

And I was just like trying to stand up. And then we were at this lady named Mental's house. And then I woke up on a bed at this apartment. If you're from Colorado, Arapa on 225, across the highway over there at those apartments. I woke up on a bed with five other people, and I was like, oh, what's going on? I checked my pocket, and I had my keys, and I was walking out, and this kid, Andy Armstrong, who I didn't really know that well, but now I know him. I'm like, what up, man? Why? He was sleeping in the doorway and he like looked up at me he's like you leaving

i was like yeah man i gotta go away from whatever this is and he was like all right then and he went back to sleep in the doorway open door like just like you know that's why kids shouldn't have their own apartments i'm saying but that was a night that was where I was like The next day I was like I gotta like Figure out what the fuck I'm doing Rethink some stuff yeah Yeah cause college was lame I didn't drink that much in college I would have like a couple drinks at the house

But all I did was skateboard in college I went to a college in Oklahoma It's 3-2 beer So it was just like Yeah the most memorable thing I peed the bed on a girl in college Really? beer yes so it was just like shit that's right yeah so like yeah the most memorable thing i peed the bed on a girl in college really yeah she was in the bed with you that's happened and you wet the bed it's happened twice to me in my life damn both shout out to both women though

for being crazy troopers about it just being cool about it never really given me any shit like in in the long run i wouldn't either man it's like you know i've i've been around that situation and i never gave anyone shit about it one time a dude peed uh in my house at a house party and it was never cool with him again you can't be though that's different yeah that was different he like was standing up and peed oh yeah no god i've done that and people were not cool like against the wall and it was like no no you can never come to another house party yeah you can't do that man yeah even if you do it you gotta know where you're like all right i can't go back here yeah i understand i dipped we were at this dude's house oh this is fuck i went into the bathroom now i didn't like him all that much i peed all over everything and uh and i came out and i was like shit there's like six people here

the next person that goes in gonna be like come out be like sean pissed all over everything my friend i was like we need to go right now like right now we need to go and i never heard anything about it so i've done that with puking where i went to the bathroom and just at a house party and just like yacked all over. And I was like, we gotta, we gotta go. As soon as you ever puke in a sink before.

And you're like, I was so, I was so close to the toilet. That's exactly how you feel. You're like, yeah, shit. Fuck.

What? Now I have to like rip out this. Oh God. So it's just like just chunks of chicken or whatever. I had to do that at a hotel once. I felt, oh, man. I scooped the best I could, and then I left a $50 tip. Yeah, I feel bad for hotels.

Sometimes. I leave a hotel pretty spick and span because I feel bad for them. Really? Yeah, I don't clean it, but I pick up all my garbage and like. But I also don't let them in over the weekend. I don't either. Yeah. So you only had one.

You didn't have to work the two days. No. All right. Here's a fun one. TJ Matheny wants to know, if you could pull off a heist against any real world rich person, who would you target? Uh-oh. That's gnarly. Who i obviously donald trump donald trump's a good answer yeah yeah yeah fuck that guy i wouldn't oh man

yeah he's in prison now that guy sucked shug knight would be kind of that'd be a story he's in prison too well before he was in prison imagine that'd be like story. He's in prison too. Well, before he was in prison, imagine that'd be like a Rob Shug night. No, because I want to come up. I would catch up with you. Who are the guys, who are the guys, who are the, like the Sally Mae guys? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I want to fuck the guys who fucked us.

Or like the Koch brothers or something like that? Yeah, the Koch. You know who I would want to do a heist against? Steve Wynn. He's like, he owns the Wynn Casino. He's like a big Republican. And then the other thing is he owns a lot of priceless art. And then so you could not just get money, you could steal a bunch of his art.

Yeah. So then you'd have like fucking paintings and shit like that and money. And you fucked over a bad guy. Who's Tammy Faye's husband? Jim Baker. I'd hit him in his prime. Oh, oh yeah that would have been a good one like like 91 baker or whatever i would hit him for scamming somebody would you think go robin hood and try to like give it back to these like old people or something or like just like shine on my own way i don't know i would just try to take it

because he that's the worst to me it's's the worst kind. That is the worst. Yeah. It's like you're the worst kind of person. You might have to pop a couple fucking shots off right near his head. Dude, I'd have to. Heat style where their ears start bleeding. You see that black stuff? He can't hear you.

Just like right near the back of his head. Dude, I think I'd have to do a lot of stuff because I'd also have to infiltrate the system, which means I'd have to go full deep cover. This is a Donnie Brasco situation. It's not overnight. You're getting fully infiltrated. When I rob Wynn, this is a one night in and out. Oh, shit, like a smash and grab.

Yeah, it's a smash and grab. Repelling is involved. Yeah, you gotta repel, guys. You gotta repel. Something that none of your friends knew you could do is involved. Yeah, using a service elevator. Yeah. I'm gonna have to learn French. Yeah, you have to time the service elevator. Yeah? Yeah, using a service elevator. Yeah. I'm going to have to learn French. Yeah, you have to time the service elevator. Yeah, yeah.

We've timed the service elevator. So kind of like a sewer. Keep the heaters in the dumbwaiter. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Just when somebody thinks they got me covered, yeah, I elbow the dumbwaiter, it opens. Two silenced Uzis.

Uzis! Two silenced Uzis. Two silenced Uzis. They were in the dumbwaiter the whole time. Like that, dude. I also feel like Zach Toscani is the one who put him in the dumbwaiter oh yeah tiscani put him in there he dressed up like he worked at the win uh-huh and then put the took took like the what's the uh what's the like the serving plate with the the tin on top oh yeah yeah yeah i forget where you pull it off yeah he put the two Uzis under there. Like the voila? Yeah, send this up to floor three.

Get the new Carmel's up there. And then later on, he kills somebody who he didn't need to. Yeah, you're just like, whoa! Like a bad guy, but he's like, we tied up a hostage, and it actually shoots him. And it's like, what? Why did you do that? And then you know you have to talk to him about it later,

but you're in the moment. You can't do it then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you need him. So hell yeah. Yeah, so. Sean, who did you pick? I don't know. I don't know that I'd rob anybody. you're in the you're in the moment you can't do it then yeah you need him yeah hell yeah yeah so sean who did you pick i don't know i don't know that i'd rob any i come on you have to rob somebody i just want to take i want to rob people who have shit that i want like people that have tons of shoes but i don't mind they're not bad people so you'd like rob ben baller or like well like

damon dame dash or something who just got but Dame Dash sold all his shoes, didn't he? Did he really? Yeah. He said he only wore a pair of shoes once. I don't know that I believe that. Rockefeller was spending crazy money. Well, maybe that's why I robbed all of his shoes, and he said that he sold them, because that's what I told him to say. All right. Michael Perkins also of the College Question wants to know, favorite current and classic NBA jersey?

A couple people asked this, actually. Oh, dude. Classic first. Those old Minneapolis jerseys I love. Which one? The Lakers ones. Oh, the MPLS? Yeah, yeah. With the light blue and the yellow? I absolutely love them. And the old Nuggets jerseys too. With the cityscape on it?

Those are super dank. See, what's funny is instead of the old Nuggets, I like the old Supersonics with the skyline. With a cityscape on it? Uh-huh. Oh. Those are super dang shit. You're probably going to say that. Yeah. See, what's funny is, instead of the old Nuggets, I like the old Supersonics with the skyline. Yeah. And the green. I think that's just a real classic. And like yellow and green is like, that was like the only, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Head to toe in middle school. I had that. Head to toe. Oh, did you really? Kemp jersey, Kemp shorts. And somehow I had green and yellow Nikes. I don't know what they were, but I had them. Man, you were really about it, about it. I used to love that Damon Stoudemire-era Toronto Raptors jersey

with the dinosaur dribbling the ball. I liked the Kenyon Martin Nets jersey. Oh, those were good, too. Yeah, the gray one. Yeah. Yeah. God, what else? I liked the Blazers with the lowercase b back from the Jerome Kersey,

Clyde Drexler era. Yeah, yeah. Like late 80s. Currently, God, there's a lot of whack jerseys. I like the current T-Wolves. I think they're real. You do? I hate that one.

Really? I can't understand it. I like the old T-Wolves with just the line that's a wolf's mouth or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the wolf's face. I don't like those new ones. I like them.

What the fuck? I mean, the Celtics is a classic. The Celtics is forever going to be great. Charlotte's cool colors. Oh, yeah. Got it. Chicago's always going to be cool. Chicago, yeah.

Who else? The Trailblazers have a cool one. I like the new Nuggets ones, too. I don't like light blue. But they minimalize it. They have the ones that are majority baby. Oh, that's true. I do like that one.

Yeah, because I don't like baby blue either. I'm never going to pick. You do like baby blue. I'm a fan, dude. Iize it. They have the ones that are majority. Oh, that's true. I do like that one. Yeah, because I don't like baby blue either. Yeah. I'm never going to pick. You do like baby blue. I'm a fan, dude. I love it. I feel like you came up heavy in that North Carolina everything era. I used to think I was in a gang, man.

I wore, I had a Duke starter jacket. I had a North Carolina starter jacket. I had a Georgetown starter jacket. Every shade of blue you could get, I was like, yeah, I need it because I'm in a gang. That light blue thing, man, it never made sense to me. I think it's not good for fat guys.

I don't think it must not be good for fat guys. I don't think it's good. When have you ever seen a fat dude in baby blue and you were like, keep on shining? If you guys both had

baby blue polos that were made out of like terry cloth? No. Terry cloth? What the fuck are you trying to do to me? He's throwing out words.

I'm a fucking grandpa in Florida what are you talking about I didn't want to I wanted to picture that nah or like velours baby blue is cool didn't Fat Joe

wear like velour baby blue sweatsuits he's not a style icon by any means yeah Mr. Leanback Fat Joe sucks at dressing yeah the only thing

he ever did cool was that pink fucking leather jacket that was cool. Every now and then, he has cool sneakers, but like... Like, yeah, I'm not looking to fat Joe. Oh, man. Fat Joe's Puerto Rican Kevin Smith.

I'm not interested. I'm not trying to dress like that. Why? Oh, man. I haven't talked about Fat Joe in a while. Oh, man. Good reason. Puerto about Fat Joe in a while. Oh, man. Good reason. Holy buckets.

All right, we have a few more questions on here. Oh, here's one. David, feel free to chime in, but Brett McBride says, I'm planning a three-day trip to Portland next year. What activities and restaurants would you say are overrated and underrated? Uh-oh. I don't know. A lot of overrated. Oh, you think so?'s good but it's not like but i don't want to say

anything bad about anywhere remember this isn't from a national profile yeah so i don't know i guess yeah let's let's ignore the overrated underrated maybe to an extent i like voodoo don't go like voodoo donuts You can go to the other one. It's a good donut. There's two of them. There's one downtown and that's like a really long line. And there's multiple.

There's one in Denver now. Yeah, and those are all over the place. Blue Star Donuts is also really, really good. Oh, it's great. And it looks like a fucking emergency room in Spain in there. Voodoo, what? It's all white.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like one of those... I feel you. That's my bad for not picking it up. Doctors or whatever. I will say about Voodoo bad for not picking it up. One of those storefront doctors or whatever. I will say about Voodoo, so many people have said it's overrated, but I feel like it's kind of become underrated again. Donuts are great.

Like the apple fritter is fucking good. Yeah. I love the apple fritter. Fire on the Mountain is amazing. Obviously. Underrated. Bunk sandwiches, I still think. And Bunk Bar specifically.

Go to Bunk Bar because you can get hammered. Yep. The lighting's fantastic. Wow, and eat sandwiches. It's the perfect bar. It's not expensive, and it's kind of like it's tucked back, so it's kind of a destination, so you don't have people that don't mean to go there. I sincerely can't recommend that place enough.

Pok Pok, like, Pok Pok's not overrated. Pok Pok is also, it's underrated. Pok Pok's fantastic. Those places are so good. The fish sauce wings. What is it, Padna's up north? Fish sauce. Fish sauce chicken wings, dude.

They're good. Next time we'll go. Next time we're all there, we'll go. You gotta see what that's like. Oh, they're dope, dude. Ava Jeans is a dope restaurant. The Ace Hotel is fun to stay at. Departure at the Nines is cool.

The strip clubs are as good as advertised, if that's the kind of thing you're into. Go to the food carts. Get your hands on that a little bit. It's a fun little- Potato Champion, if that's the kind of thing you're into. Go to the food carts. Get your hands on that a little bit. It's a fun little- Potato Champion, if that's still around. Tasty and Alder for breakfast is the fucking world champ. Is it Tin Shed? I like Tin Shed a lot up on Alberta.

It's dank. Actually, just going up to Alberta is fun. Just all the bars that you can hit in such a close proximity. That's always a good time. And the place that they sell 40s yeah yeah the 40s the colt 45 is the clown place oh yeah they sell uh oh the fun house yeah yeah i mean it's gonna be weird if you go there but you can definitely get a dang colt 45 for like three bucks okay cool so that's i mean a good amount of advice, I think. Yeah, yeah. Noah Bender has two fun questions. What is one food that you absolutely hate or refuse to eat?

Tapioca pudding. Tapioca pudding? Really? I don't fuck with that texture. Yeah, okay. I won't eat a tomato. I won't eat a raw tomato. I'll eat tomato products.

I'll eat a tomato on a sandwich. I will not eat just like tomato on a salad. Or like with a little salt. 100% no. No, I just can't do it. I get it. Sweet tomatoes. I will not. Or not sweet tomatoes. Sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes? Really? I won't even take a bite. Really? I think I could change your mind.

I won't take a bite. Have you ever had mashed sweet potatoes with the marshmallows on top? I've had sweet potatoes twice and I immediately vomited both times. What was the way that you had them? Just boiled? Orally. No, they were both like the Thanksgiving style.

And you just couldn't do it, huh? It threw up immediately. Once when I was like six, and once when I was like 14. Man, so no sweet. I'll try anything else. I try shrimp, and I hate seafood. And I'll try shrimp and all that. You only eat sushi. That's one thing. I'll try it. hate seafood and i'll try shrimp and all that but you only see uh sushi that's one i'll try it for sure i'll try it but i'd sweet potatoes will not go in my mouth

so here's noah bender's other question how much for a sweet potato he says and this is uh it's for a guy like me in college who is working towards a career in comedy, what do you wish you had done at age 19? Got a real job. Oh, man. Man. I wasn't doing comedy at 19. I was fucking up. Me neither. I was like years away from doing comedy.

I was like six years away from starting stand-up. I guess at 19, just be glad you have a plan. Yeah. You know what I mean? And understand that you don't want to be a kid phenom. It's okay to just start at 19 and just be shitty for a while. Yeah. Like, you don't want to be the world's biggest 20-year-old comedian. It's a 35-year-old man's game.

It feels like it. It's just like, yeah. It feels like an older man's game. Dude, do you ever see, like, stand-ups now who are, like, 21 and they're, like, telling you about shit? And you're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. I never want to hear it from them. I don't want to hear shit. I don't need any life advice from fuck up yeah i never want to hear it i don't want to hear any life advice even if they're really funny i don't want to hear it yeah like how are you fucking cynical yeah oh yeah this is your hot take on

that your your knees work you haven't been alive long enough to ruin your credit like what are you talking about you don't have to skip a meal because you don't have any money yeah like shut up never had to entertain the idea of sleeping in your car for a few days while you figure it out yeah i never slept at a girl's house because it's warmer than your couch i think my advice to like anyone pursuing a career in stand-up comedy would be just the same like whether you're 19 or however old you are which is just like watch as much of it as you can write as much of it as you can and perform as much of it as you can there's no other secret i mean like just you want to watch you want to watch and you want to watch

as many different kinds as you can uh and yeah just like immerse yourself in it really do a bunch of different rooms yeah do a bunch of rooms do rooms that freak you out it's got to be your life of people who are like yeah yeah it's got to be your life like skating when i before i started stand-up skating it's all i thought about it It's all I did. That's all I watched. That's all I talked about. It's all I cared about because I loved it. And same thing with stand-up. It's pretty much all I think about.

I, you know, like work. I work so I can stay here and do stand-up. Like it just has to naturally feel like something you want to do. Don't ever get bitter. Don't ever be like, fuck this show. I don't want to do this show. I hate that. Yeah.

And don't. No one's making you do it. So if it stops being fun, then check yourself because it's got to be fun. Also, I will say one thing that's helped me infinitely in my career. Try. You always have to try. Oh, you've been so far just trying. Just try.

When you're on stage, give a shit, man. You're going to watch other people and they're going to do that whole too cool for the room. Oh, I hate that. Maybe this one works. Oh, you don't like the new shit? Fuck that. Remember your jokes. Go on stage.

Fucking try. Fucking try to make people laugh. I can't tell you. If you're not trying, you're a loser. Fuck that. Remember your jokes. How many people that were on the come up in Portland who just like would never write new jokes

and like would just like. Got good enough. I know a million people. The road to hell is paved with them. Dudes who had a killer five minutes and never like i got good enough in two falls because that was the only comic there and people come up and they'd be like you should hey i think you're super funny but i heard that joke like three years ago and i'm like why don't you fucking write a joke of course they wanted me to write new jokes yeah they're excited for you to write new jokes yeah i also

would say that there is no the the journey is always way more fun and satisfying than the destination. There's no destination. There's no destination. There's no level of this where you're ever going to feel successful or like you're done. Yeah, or not like a fraud kind of. Yeah, or like a fraud. So just like really enjoy every part of it. Sure.

Like the reward of being a stand-up comedian is that you get to be a stand-up comedian yeah man there isn't it's not it's not being nominated for an emmy all right it's not doing conan twice all right it's not no i mean i can tell you here i'll say it it's not being nominated for an emmy it's not doing conan twice i'll tell you what i haven't done that you might be doing conan once though yeah i mean all that shit is fun, but all that shit is is little... It's over the next day. Yeah. It's all over the next day. You have to enjoy it.

That's why I like this, because we get to do it every week. Every week, yeah. And I look forward to it every goddamn time. So just really relish it. Don't get caught up. I mean, be driven and do it because you love it, but really don't get caught up in what other people are getting. Totes. Or even what you're getting, too too much two emails to try to get on a show if not you just keep it moving yeah yeah that's a good point until you get here then it's

like 60 yeah 62 emails uh we've time for a couple more questions uh oh rachel mason asks young i don't even know if we'll young mason in the house i don't even know if we'll be able to answer this fully what is what is your favorite story about each of the other guys i sort of don't want to do that on the air yeah i don't it's it's tricky being on the spot i know it's a tough one on that question because I don't want to I don't want to blow it I don't know if I'm comfortable with it there's gotta be

I know I have a couple I just like maybe we'll circle back around to that one see if we can think of any answers cause like they're both kind of like the one I'm thinking of for you for Sean is like you kind of look like a shithead somebody's shoulder and ian like kind of bossing up it's just like maybe not the best oh no you can tell mine i'm proud of that moment don't tell

don't tell sean's then i won't tell either i like that's your favorite story it's so fun we're not doing yeah we don't need to yeah yeah We don't even need to tease it. Well, you know what? Just imagine what David's trying to talk about, and it's Bucker. I'll tell you that. This one's fun about Ian. It's behavior unbecoming of an officer. Yeah, for sure. This was Shane and Ian and I were together at this coffee shop,

and this dude, just like really scary looking dude, just starts talking to Ian. He's like, hi, man. And it didn't seem confrontational. And then He's like, hi, man. And it's kind of, it wasn't, didn't seem confrontational. And then Ian's like, hey, what's up? Thought he was a fan or something. And then the guy goes, you fucking, did you fucking do that? Did you fucking do it?

And we're like, what are you talking about? And he's like, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to fuck you up, dude. And he gets on the phone and he's staring. You remember this dude? Yeah, yeah, of course. He's staring right at us. And we're all, I mean, we we're big enough we could have handled the one dude but he was so intense and uh i think ian went up to the counter he's like that guy's being

kind of weird so then we sit back down and the guy's like i'm gonna fucking go outside i'm gonna call my people i'm coming back and then he goes outside walks across the street and we're like let's go yeah we didn't you could tell we didn't want to feel like cowards because we didn't sprint out of there but we walked as fast as you could go without running and we're just like let's just go to the house and just yeah he was talking yeah he was coming back and shooting and shit oh my god it was so scary back no that he had a screw loose he was like he could have been like a fucking it was such a bummer and then we yeah we just like power walk back to the house because we didn't want to run. Oh, I got it. Because you don't ever want to run away.

You don't ever want to. Oh, I can't tell my one about you either, Sean. I can't. Oh, too bad. I got a good one. Listen, I'm not a bad guy, everybody out there. You're not a bad guy in this story. You're a good guy in this story, but it's just the names.

Maybe I could change the name. No, I can't. Can I? Which? It involves a famous comedian. Oh, gosh. Ha, ha can't. Like, this one, can I? Which? It involves a famous comedian. Oh, gosh. We don't have to say who it is. Sean is so interesting.

No. No? Even with the names changed to protect the innocent? No. All right. No. All right. It's funny.

It's funny. I'm over here sweating. Yeah, you're rubbing my forehead like, eh, eh. Oh, man. That's okay. We should skip that question. I'm just over here twitching like,

eh. It's going to be so unsatisfying for the listeners. Tough. I'm sorry. Can I give a synopsis? I'll tell all of you personally. Anytime someone asks me personally if they come out to a show. Oh, there's an incentive.

Come if you want to know. You bring this up and I will tell you exactly what he's talking about. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Here's a better one. Sean, what's your arsenal of tricks on the skateboard? From Tom Ward. Nollie backside lip slides. I'm never going to lose.

Crooked grinds I always have. I can still do Nollie 5.0s and switch frontside board slides pretty well. Nollie heel flips and switch heel flips. Nollie hard flips. Switch hard flip on a good day. Fakie flip over a hit. Chris hard flip. I got some

quarter pipe tricks still in my bag. Disaster disaster revert. Smith revert. So back tails, back Ds. Back Ds nuts. Yeah, back Ds nuts. See, I wanted you guys to make perverted names out of all these tricks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. There's a trick called the lip slide.

We've all played Tony Hawk. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yeah, those are my go-tos anymore. That was awesome. That was. got yeah yeah those are those are my go-to's anymore um that was awesome that was uh okay real quick one uh for sean i love how hard you rep south dakota this is from daniel harlow what's the one thing about south dakota that gets clowned on that you feel like you always have to defend like what's the biggest people think that it's like all just they don't think there's a real city in south dakota and it pisses me off because there is it's just not a big one but there's cool shit to do in sioux

falls south dakota why are you looking at me like that because i gotta look at someone on the front hey fine with south dakota i got no problem I saw a picture of it recently and I was gobsmacked. I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh, that looks like Charming. It's quaint. And people, whenever they're like, oh, that must have sucked. And I go, don't just assume that. I like where I'm from.

I left, but you know, I like it. So yeah, just don't assume that it sucks. It's kind of dope. And thanks for asking about South Dakota. That was nice of you. There you go. All right, we'll wrap it up on this question because we got to get going.

Charles Han, a.k.a. Our Boy Hanzo, says, I once ate a weed brownie and then foolishly smoked a jibski, which I assume is a joint. Is that maloy emailing for while waiting for it to kick in and then just had to lay down for a while have you ever accidentally gotten way too high yeah dude what do you mean like you mean 30 minutes when i got out of the shower on the way here yeah i'm usually accidentally too high. Most of the time. For me, it's with alcoholic more so, but like, yeah, I'll get off.

I'll get off work. And I think I need to drink half a bottle of black velvet before we go to a bar. Yeah. And then by 1030, I'm just like, well, I'm going to pass out right here in this bar. So I need to go. Watery eyes, Sean. You just look around and you say, you know what? I got to go.

Yeah. Watery eyes. I love it. One story that sticks out in particular for me was at the Riot Comedy Festival here in LA. Oh, yeah. They had this soda that was called Sprig that came in a gift basket. And I did my set. And then I cracked the can and housed it.

I had like two drinks. And then I drank this entire can of weed soda. Assuming that the serving size must be one can why would it not be why would it not be like you're just gonna take the rest of the can and save it for the other time you want to get high you put a little cork yeah bring a cork with me put the tinfoil on top of it like a psychopath rubber band i'm trying to keep my coke bubbles isn't that fucking weird when people do that with a soda can though? Just for three sips Dude I house this LaCroix

In four drinks I'm saying They were all weird at slumber parties Oh anyway I drank the whole thing And then Like later It started kicking a little bit And I was like oh shit

And then I was like, Oh shit. And then, uh, I was outside of a venue and like, I was so stoned. Like I was, if 10 is like flipping out, you like need to be alone and like need to be almost like taken care of. I was at like a 9.8 and I could feel myself being pushed up against the

ceiling. Just like, Oh God, 10 is flipping. Hold on, hold it. And, and then, uh, I forget who it might've been. the ceiling. Just like, oh, God. The antenna's flipping. Hold on. Hold on. And then I forget who. It might have been Dave Ross.

Shout out to Dave Ross, the comedian. I remember you telling me. Yeah, who came out. And another comedian had had some sort of allergic reaction to a tortilla chip or something like that. He was like, hey, I have an opening on my show. Do you want to do it? And I was like, I'll do it. But I need to tell you, I'm as stoned as I've ever been in my entire life

and I did the show and it actually went really well and then Kanane went up after me and he was as drunk as I was high wait was that the show in the green room upstairs where it was super hot no this was downstairs

the green room was upstairs and there was a bunch of people in there and it was hot as fuck I was in there I didn't know that was hot as fuck. Hot as fuck. I was in there. I didn't know that you were that high, but I remember Kyle being that drunk. I was so hot. And there was a couch on the stage. Yeah.

Yeah. I was up there. Yeah. And then had a good set. But that was, I mean, that. And then every other time I've been to, it's been from dabs, and I've just had to sit alone in the bathroom for an hour at a party. God, that's the worst feeling in the world.

Oh, I know one time. I ate a whole chocolate bar a few years ago and went to go see karen kilgariff in san francisco because i had met her like a few months before and she was super cool and she's so funny and i just like but when i hit the street i basically blacked out like i remember waiting for i remember waiting for the train and like hearing somebody yell and then there was this dude in front of me and it was my friend who lived around the corner he's like man that's how i know you're not from here man you don't pay attention to shit i was like i don't know i don't know and then like next thing i know i was in the basement of the senate cave with keith dirty and like didn't know what was happening

and then i was home i just lost i blacked out off a weed, which is like lame. And then anytime Sean smoked weed, it's been too much weed. Oh, man. I lose my mind when I smoke pot. It's like I'm the guy they make the fucking commercials for where I'm like, well, let's go to the hospital. It's not for our guy over here. It's not for you. I wish. But it's not, unfortunately. Thank you for the questions.

Yeah. That was awesome. Was that fun? Yeah. Thanks for giving a shit and caring and responding. It's so tight. I know we say it every time, but it means the world. But yeah, Dave, what do you think? I just really hope you guys have a good fun? Yeah. Thanks for giving a shit and caring and responding. It's so tight. I know we say it every time, but it means the world. But yeah, Dave, what do you think?

I just really hope you guys have a good Thanksgiving. Yeah, for real. I hope everybody gets to their people safe. I hope you have turkey or ham. I'm going to have probably some nachos. I'm going to try to get some Jordan Stone. Hell yeah, hell yeah. It's going to be good.

Yeah, I hope it's good for you guys. Someone with some cheese in it. Man, appreciate wherever you are and whatever you have. Look around. Say I love you to the people that you love. It's fantastic. Oh, it's so easy and it means so much to do it. And be thankful and happy.

I love the two of you. Love the two of you. Super producer Marissa, we love you. What's up, girl? Happy Thanksgiving to you. People in the emails were shouting you out and stuff, so that was really nice. Yeah.

Oh, I forgot to... Anything coming up, people should check out. For me, it's pretty much just 22nd in Portland, Revolution Hall, me, Sean Jordan. Yeah. Tickets at WIT's getting pretty close to selling out. That's so neat. So copy your tickets, which is awesome. That's going to be crazy if it sells out.

So copy your tickets. Anything coming up to pump? I'll be in Denver next weekend. Comedy Works Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and then Fort Collins on Sunday. So come out and shout all fantasy everything when I walk on stage. Sample flyers? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I got nothing crazy. I think I'm like at the Laugh Factory at 8 and midnight on Friday, like Laugh Factory, Long Beach, then Hollywood. There you go. And then, yeah, got nothing nothing crazy going on i don't know all right well uh there it is shout out to uh everyone on twitter shout out to everyone on the uh afv subreddit y'all dope y'all dope y'all dope y'all dope thank you for sending us messages on instagram and all that shit thank you for coming out to shows and tune in again next

week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. God shaklakity, each and every one. Ooh. that was a hate gun podcast