All Fantasy Everything - MINI EP: Sean & David's Missed Drafts

Episode Date: February 9, 2019

Ian's sick this week! But we still wanted to release something so Sean joins David in his garage to draft their favorite missed drafts. David drafts his own TV Family, and Sean drafts his top 5 Emojis.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that did a shed on the rooftop of the Yates Hotel downtown tonight, and it wasn't as good as he wanted it. Let's be honest, your boy Midrange bombed mid-range bomb i bombed for a professional comedian i wouldn't say that at all i'd say you bombed for an amateur comedian okay you heard me dude cut you deep one of my best friends here you hear i'm talking about me that's how he talks i thought it was really good thank you man i'm getting there i'm getting there you know after the half hour your boy's got it's all new material now it's all new material now i got the rock now i got this motherfucker now somebody threw you the

pumpkin oh boy and i'm gonna dunk it you said that was all new material uh no not all not all that's a lie lying to our fans it was a little bit it was like 80 though it was good what was the what was the joke that was man the trouble okay i'll do i'll tell you here because you guys are my friends i've been doing this joke about how i think me too is great and that like i am down to not listen to r kelly anymore it took a long time because i was raised on it but i'm down to not listen to r kelly anymore it took a long time because i was raised on it but i'm down to not listen to r kelly anymore and then i heard about i read about the michael jackson thing and i'm also down to not listen to michael jackson anymore we can't support that shit all i'm saying is that i think white people you need to take down an icon like you taking down some people but like no white people were like raising their kids to

harvey weinstein's business deal you know i'm saying louis you took down louis but he was only famous for like seven years nobody was raising their kids to the fucking i love blowjobs bit you know i'm saying like we took bill cosby out of the rafters we've had him since the 50s sure maybe maybe you need to chill on the way you feel about seinfeld take the door to your home maybe jimmy page actually a bad guy maybe you need to relook at how you feel about bowie because if we're all taking out icons doesn't feel fair that black people had to take down some big ones. Woody Allen made a movie three years ago. It doesn't feel fair to me.

No, I don't know why you're yelling at me. Are you surprised that that bit bombed at the roof of the Ace Hotel and then at UCB the other day? Also, my roommate just texted me. Totally could have done it inside. He's at karaoke. Oh, well. Oh, well. Speaking of that, where are we?

Live from our motherfucking garage, dog. Okay. So there was... Tell them the weird shit that's in here. There was no episode, I guess, today, technically. No episode today. Ian's mad sick. And it sucks, man.

Because he's art. If Ian's sick, what the fuck am I going to do? That dude works harder than anybody. I know. It's insane. I'm shaking just having to say the first words of the show. You're doing good. I don't know.

You're doing beautiful. You're doing beautiful. But I was like, seriously like seriously shit we almost had to do this once and i think i was like i looked down at the ground like a dog i was like i can't no but now we can just do it you're not a dog you're a man and i love it we're doing it just because uh yeah well you just wanted some shit for you guys to have yeah just uh so anyway, we're coming to you live from the fortress of Solemn Dave, is what I thought of earlier. I don't. Like solid dudes. Here's what I think.

I think if it's going to be our house, we just have to call it something different. What do you guys call it? The crib. All right. We're coming to you live. I wish we were coming to you live. Live from the spot. We're actually at none of those. We're in the garage. All right. We're coming to you live. I wish we were coming to you live from the spot. We're actually at none of those.

We're in the garage. All right. Well, Sean, fuck you. No, it's Dink. I'm going to take Ian's role. Do you have anything to promote? We're not there yet. Oh, shit.

We got to describe the garage and all that. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. All right. It's my garage. A lot of boxes because my man Solomon's glowed up on a lot of new furniture, a lot of furniture boxes. What else do we got in here?

It looks up. There's a moped that looks like it was discarded from the set of Mad Max. Yeah. Shout out to my neighbor, Kyle, man. He's like trying to refurb it. It's been in here for a minute, but I believe in my man. He's like real good with the tools and shit. It's crazy looking. It's the same color as the floor of the garage and david's pants no

it's for sure rusted out and the couch rusted out and the couch but it's like i it could breathe new when this shit gets popping yo you guys are gonna call me you know king luigi riding on that no it looks good we also got old old decommissioned pinball machines. Like old. Old. Like Teddy Roosevelt looked at that and he goes, that's an old pinball machine. We also have Megan Keister's drum set and the entertainment center that Solomon said I can take to my new apartment when I move out in a couple months.

Because you're shining too. I'm shining real bright, baby. Yeah, boy. Here I am sitting on this thing. I had to sit on this so we could look at each other. David's on the couch. I like it. I like it.

Yeah, just trying to paint the picture where there's boxes everywhere. There's a headless mannequin over by the door. But you've got to have that in the garage. That's just a garage thing. There's a beach cruiser bike leaned up against the wall. Shout out to my man, Ziki Greenbacks, who sold that to Marcella. She has not taken it since she moved out. It's not a big Ziki Greenbacks, who sold that to Marcella. She is not taking it since she moved out. You know, it's not a big deal.

I didn't see that going with Marcella. Now that I'm looking at the beach cruiser, I don't see Marcella taking it. I kind of want to take it, get my Debo on. I bet you do. What's up on that bike? You know, it's that kind of podcast. It's that kind of podcast. So, Sean, it's me and you.

What do you have to promote? It's me and you. Well, no, we got to do it. We got to do it first. Now, it's not only me. Oh, yeah. It's me and you what do you have to promote it's me and you well no we got to do it we got to do it first now it's uh it's not only me oh yeah it's not only in lovely in lovely david's garage not only you just uh just uh not even just a legitimate six miles yeah from skid row like five potato gun blasts away from Skid Row. Yeah, those things go so far. It's not just me. It's joined in the garage.

I'm joined by Cool Guy Jokes 87 on the gram. Hey. And I forgot your Twitter handle. The G is silent. The G is silent, man. How'd I forget that? I don't know. You kind of blew it.

That's where Ian comes in. I know. It's me. I don't have anything to promote. Oh, you know what I will say? What will you say? My man, because this is Thursday, so this will probably come out on Saturday, I imagine. Yep.

My man, Sam Talent, is going to be at the Siren Theater. In Portland, Oregon. In Portland, Oregon on Sunday. Now, if our captain was here, he would say top of the food chain. Top of the food chain. Goddamn right. Top of the food chain. Yeah, Sam Talent's going to be at the Siren Theater on Sunday. Now, if our captain was here, he would say top of the food chain. Top of the food chain. Goddamn right. Top of the food chain. Yeah, Sam Tallon is going to be at the Siren Theater on Sunday. You fucking knuckleheads, go

see him. I tell you what, you want to know how I got so funny? Spend money to go watch Sam. That's how it happened. Sam is gnarly. I remember the first time, because you talked up Sam so much. That's my man 50 grand. I bet. You talked him up so much. That's my man, 50 grand. I bet.

You talked him up so much, we met on the roof of Jim's crib. Kind of when I first got here. And I had a 40. Yeah, that March. I had a plastic 40. And I kept whispering to you. I was like, is Sam going to think I'm whack? So it's like, people think.

No, he's just thankful you're drinking a 40. That's what I'm. By the way, tonight brought to you by Glass 40s, baby. the sound of two men toasting to the high life and that's the type of beer not the way that we're living we're in a garage we are in a man just to just to paint the picture a little more for you so dave so the garage the the couch that david is sitting on is maybe three feet from the wall and it's facing the wall all of all behind david are boxes those two pinball machines that mannequin and then i'm sitting on a dresser oh two pinball machines and a rifle machine and a rifle machine there is and i'm sitting on a dresser looking at David. Yep. But anyway, go see Sam. Typical.

Yeah, but go see Sam at the Siren. Oh, go see me and Zach Toscani February 28th through March 3rd. Go see me and Zach. I'm going to be headlining Zach's featuring at the Go Bananas in Cincinnati. And also, come see me opening for Eric Andre at the Columbus Funny Bone, February 22nd and 23rd. There it is. There it is. I am Sean S. Jordan on Twitter.

What are you on the gram? Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan. Seen a lot of those lately. There actually have been a couple of those that came out. No, yeah, of course. That's what happens, dog. I got really nothing. Might get fired from my day job, you know?

They're throwing out the weekends. David's lipping some things to me. I can't even tell you guys what he's doing. I'm saying come to Faded every Friday. Oh, yeah, come to Faded. It's hard. Yeah, yeah, come to Faded. Listen, yeah, okay, maybe we had a couple cocktails on the roof of the Ace because we're enjoying our lives.

Just chilling, man. Watching the show. Yeah. Come to Faded every Friday. And also, Portland, Oregon. Still tickets left for the March 8th show at Rev Hall. It's going to be dope, man. But not the live AFVs.

No, those are all sold out. But still get tickets to the first early stand-up show. It's going gonna be dope man but not the live not the live afvs no those are all those are all sold out but still get tickets to the the first early stand-up show it's gonna be dope i'm so dude i'm so pumped no that weekend's gonna be one for the book like a little mini bridgetown i'm saying it right now your boy might cop some new zapatos now for everybody listening those are slippers i'm kidding their shoes i might i mean mean, they might be slippers. You don't know what I'm doing. I might come through in some top-siders, no socks, baby. You're going to get those Gucci's?

Giving you that Nantucket vibe. Those Gucci slippers that they wouldn't even let us touch when we walked in? No, I can't. Not yet. I mean, my life is going good, but not that good. It's going. What are Gucci's? How much?

400 bucks? I think it's closer to a G-Eazy. Man, what a bummer. I think you're going to blow a G-Eazy on those. Speaking of G-Eazy, you bought a computer today, right? Yo, can I tell you how good it feels? You want to know the craziest part about the computer? I'll tell you the truth.

I bought it drunk. I'll tell you. I bought a computer drunk and didn't have to cancel the charges. why don't you the food stamp champ out here why don't you dive into that a little bit more what do you mean you bought it drunk you didn't tell me that earlier it was after the other night i was like so my boy was gonna uh by it by the way shout out to uh joey glasses r.i.p to your father my boy was gonna hook me up with a computer but then he's going through some personal shitty lot he passed his dad which is a bummer and he was like i could do it for you when Passes RIP to your father. My boy is going to hook me up with a computer, but then he's going through some personal shit. He passes dad, which is a bummer.

And he was like, I could do it for you when you come back to town. And I was like, man, you know what? I am an adult, and I got the dough right now. I'm going to just go ahead and buy my first adult computer. So you ordered it. Pretty much blackout drunk. Yeah, it's so wild. What if it would have came back that weird salmon color that i

your boy's been making mountain mountains out of molehills for years man sure i could make some uh goofy stuff look good you know what i mean there is a part of me talking to king camo shorts over here real i know five baby fuck with me doing the things i wish i could do josh calis used to wear old skateboarder he used to wear camo shorts back in the day in those old DC links. Yeah, man. And I coveted, I looked at that and I was like, man, I wish I could do that. Bro, you could do whatever you want out here.

I can, but it looks different. That's fair. It doesn't look the same on me as it does on, say, Josh Kalis in 1996. Or David Borey in 2019. You look great in those shorts. Boy, I'm swimming in the sauce right now. You've always been making hits.

That new Seattle shirt? Oh, yeah. Got a Seahawks sweater. And watch out. You might... I'm just saying. It's not for sure. You might catch me on NBC in a minute. You might see your boy in a little speaking role on NBC.

Going on wax about it. I mean, yeah, because if it doesn't happen, I didn't tell him what show. Okay, well, no. Your boy definitely booked and filmed a role on NBC and he was nice with it.

Hell yeah. Don't worry about it. That's sick, man. Yeah, man, I feel I'm real thankful for us and everything we're doing right now. I'm really happy. But that's not the point. The point is, tell them what we're doing. You stopped telling me what to do. We are not gathered here. Okay, okay.

We are not just gathered here to talk about your new Seahawks sweatshirt. Just a breath away from the food for less. We are. My food for less we are my food for less shout out to my greatest enemy who works in the food for less i'll see you when i see you oh on site oh man the old security guard old old boy who's giving been giving me troubles i told you about him you did you did yeah man that's my one enemy out here in la you know what's wild is that you took your shirt off to say that. Because we are outside in a garage and it's like 50 degrees out. Yo, perky titties got to be blasted.

We're not just gathered here to talk about your perky titties. We are gathered here. I bet you if you ordered perky titties at a restaurant and said it like you thought it was a meal, you'd get something. I bet you, yeah. I bet you'd get two thick chicken breasts. Let me get a couple perky titties, put some sauce on them. That's how I get two chicken fried steaks smothered in gravy. Man, that's a meal.

Clay, boy. It's nothing else. That shit, that's, yeah. That's a wonderful meal. That is a meal. Oh, boy. It's nothing else. That shit, that's, yeah. That's a motherfucking meal. That is a meal. Oh, man. You know what's funny? Even when we're doing this, it's like, not even because he's sick,

I just would like Ian to be here because he would have fun. Dude, yeah. I mean, I feel. It's like, oh, we're having fun. I think Ian would have loved it. I feel ridiculous doing this without Ian here. No, we're doing good. I think we're doing real good. Yeah, I do too. I think Ian would have loved it. I feel ridiculous doing this without Ian here. No, we're doing good. I think we're doing real good.

Yeah, I do too. I miss him. They weren't going to get an episode. We gave it to him. I miss him. Anyway, now it's going to turn into that. Also, we talked about drafting Ian. We can't, but it'd be... I got some picks. Yeah, maybe some point, though. I got some picks. Anyway, we're not here to draft

Ian or your perky titties or your new sweatshirt or that 40 that you're sipping on. We are here to draft uh a couple a couple episodes that david and i were not on respectively so uh david is going to be drafting his ultimate tv family yep because i was gone and i am going to be drafting emojis yeah because i was bummed on that uh that that was such a dope idea that it was jamelle Yeah, it was just, dude, you should have seen Jamel's list, though. It was like emojis, softcore porn, or tracksuits. It was really the only one we could have. Tracksuits?

What do you even do? Man, that guy's, you know, he's vibing on his own frequency. Jamel is. And also, I listened to it. Sometimes you better just let your man eat, pray, love. You know what I mean? Dude, honey, that man's voice. creamsicle it was wild i was walking around like this motherfucker no the kid's gonna yeah me and him are writing this show together and it's like one of the

funnier things yeah let's just say it's a talk show that's gonna have maternity tests i got you i got you i hear you clucking big chicken yeah i smell you're stepping in let me let me eat some corn baby uh now the uh the draft i guess i guess we just have to play uh here's the thing is that i don't think it's a serpentine draft when it's me and you it can't be well i mean it's just a ding-a-ding it well i mean i guess the best definition of a serpentine draft when it's me and you it can't be well i mean it's just a ding-a-ding it well i mean i guess the best definition of a serpentine draft would be between betwixt okay then what is a serpentine draft john well let's say that i pick first and you pick second or you pick your first and then you pick your second i pick my second oh we're gonna ding ding ding ding yeah like we're gonna ding the ding yeah and then ding

yeah so okay i get it i get it i guess an easier way to say it is if you pick last in the first round you pick first in the second round basically we're gonna back to back this whole motherfucker yeah uh but we do have to play rock paper scissors i guess this is the only time it's been real where it's like whoever legit wins gets the first pick. Yeah. So a rollicking game. Rollicking game. Of rock, paper, scissors. Of rock, paper, scissors.

We go on shoot. All right. I'm with it. One, two, three, shoot. Oh! The left arm, they call the gun. David Borey. TV's.

I'm so icy That's my I'm so icy It's gonna be my arena song If ever TV's David Borey has won TV's David Borey Comedy Central half hour If they decide to air it

It's David Borey They'll decide to air it We can't talk I want Ian here to talk about that Cause there's some dope stories But congrats on that That's sick, man. On what?

So with the first pick in the Ultimate TV Family slash emoji draft that neither one of us were on the respective episodes, David Borey, you are on the clock. So my first pick is I'm going to pick a mom. Okay. Obviously. Everybody got a name from a woman, got a game from a woman got a game from a woman sure uh i just like man i always loved the way she got down i always appreciated her so much i always thought she was so great and i had a crush on her i had a celebrity crush on her when i was a kid i'm taking felicia felicia rashad aka claire huxta. Claire Huxtable. Sure.

She was just like, she was like the perfect combination of like, she was so smart, she was so stern, yet she was also so silly and so much fun. And like she would always let the kids tie their own noose. You know what I'm saying? She'd be like, well, Theo, what did you think was going to happen when you went to that concert? And then Theo had something crazy to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she would, like, lawyer. And it was just like, bro, I watched that shit. I was like, man. Was she a lawyer? Yeah, she was a lawyer. She was a lawyer. And I just, like, I just always watched it. And I was close, because I wanted to pick Dark-Skinned Ant Viv.

I'm not saying disrespect to Light-Skinned Ant Viv. You didn't have to say it. They switched the tone, and she became kind of like a supplicant. I didn't like it. The point is, yeah, I just always loved Claire Huxtable, man. She just really held her family down, and she was so successful. And her husband's a dumbass. And this is obviously before the race.

On the TV show. But even on the TV show, this motherfucker's just eating hoagies all the time? You got kids to raise. Here's the thing. I never really watched the Cosby show. I mean, I saw it, but I never. Well, yeah, I know. I just never.

Yeah, I never. Like, I mean, you know, I saw it, but I never, well, yeah, I know. I just never, yeah, I never, like, I couldn't really bring up an episode or anything, which is astonishing. But I just never did. I've seen every episode. And that's obviously, like I said before, we had to take our hero off the wall, which we should because, you know, he's a piece of shit. What's your favorite episode? Of the Cosby Show? I was really into the Cousin Pam era. Erica Alexander, who went on to play Maxine Shaw on In Living Single.

Yeah, she went on to play Maxine Shaw on In Living Single. Yeah, I was going to say, I was like, what is In Living Single? In Living Single. or a living single yeah i was gonna say i was like is that what is it in living single in living single you can do what you wanna do copyright lawsuit in living single you're not my girlfriend uh no uh cousin pam and a lot of a lot of shows did this in the 90s where they took a wayward youth off the streets brought them into the rich black home they did it with 3j on family matters yada yada yada but uh cousin pam era was really anything anything there uh also the episode where stacy dash i think was a team mom which we didn't that show was full of problematic people we had no idea we were ready but uh yeah cousin pam era anything cousin pam era i really also when rudy got drunk full of problematic people. We had no idea. We were ready. But yeah, Cousin Pam era.

Anything Cousin Pam era, I really... Also, when Rudy got drunk. That was... What a weird thing on those shows. When having been drunk at that age, you see... Haven't been drunk as a boy. You see how... Because I remember the first time that I got actually drunk.

So there's two times uh the first time that i and and i i can't i can't be sure which was shot to steven patridge i think the first time i was with my cousin tucker ian's boy i'm kidding he doesn't know i just want to talk about again yeah that was a weird joke so i was with with my cousin Tucker in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Whoa. Yeah, cowboy shit. No, I know where Jackson Hole is. That's where Kanye West lives. Does he really? Yeah, or maybe he doesn't live in Jackson Hole.

He lives in Wyoming. He has that spot in Wyoming. Well, there's that Kanye song, Jackson Hole. It all falls down. I think all rich people go there. I think rich people go there in general, which is crazy because I've been to wyoming like crazy anyway uh i was there with my cousin tucker and uh it was it was the trip my and i think i've talked about it before my dad was supposed to be

sober this whole trip he took me on like a two week long trip he's supposed to be sober and we so he was until we got to jack. It was like three days and he was sober. We're in hotels. And it was pretty legit because I was like, man, maybe dad's doing it. Maybe he turned a corner. And then we get to Jackson and he just piled up with his brother, my Uncle Bill, and they just got just annihilated. And I can't remember specifically because they just were like, Sean and Tucker go out. And we were 14. So we went out with Tucker's older cowboy friends who were like,

in my mind, they were like 20, 21. But who knows? They might have been 16, 17. But cowboys age fast, though, too. 17-year-old cowboy definitely seems like a 30-year-old man. These dudes were, yeah, they were man i wish i remembered better but probably because i got so fucked up that night i can't so we went to a mcdonald's i got a coke and they were like what do you want to drink and i was like southern comfort

it was like the only thing i knew oh so good it's all now i think about kids it's for kids have you ever drank a shot of soco as an adult? I have a couple times just to be like, what was I doing? And then you take the shot, and I was like, what a bummer. So we drink this whole bottle, Tucker and I. Oh, no, you can't not drink. Once you open that, you don't close it until it tastes blood. Seriously, two 14-year-olds in Jackson Hole with a bunch of legit cabins. We're up on a mountain bonfire. It was like a Michelob ultra commercial or a soco commercial

like the old marblo man's yeah welcome to marblo country seriously i mean all these dudes had cowboy hats on and shit and so we're up there we just what i can't remember what we did we get back to this kid's crib and we're all in his basement probably his parents basement now that i'm thinking about it yeah and i was doing the textbook like i love you got just laying back like i love you so cool and they were like sean man yeah man we get it like we love you too like shit like that and so we go to bed and then i wake up next thing i'm violently puking all over the place oh just not in the toilet all over the couch the floor wherever i was sleeping and they hand me a garbage can and i i smacked it away

that move where you're like i can't be doing anything but what i'm doing i need to feel this yeah it was it was because it's the first time it ever happened and then that it up that was it that was the first time i got drunk or this or the other time is one where i drank Malibu rum at CJ's house when I was, I think, same age in Brandon, South Dakota. And nothing fun happened. No. Just drank a bunch of shitty Malibu rum. That was about it? Anyway, we got off topic.

It's all good. We were talking about the episode. There's no off topic in the garage. In every show, we're like, the teenager gets drunk. And it's always just so unrealistic it's it's never as buck as it should be but they always yeah my first i'm trying to think my my first time getting drunk i was alone that's great how old were you oh probably god man i know i would love to say 13 it sounds like it's but it was probably 11 or so here's the thing my mom we were very poor so we never bought soda but i learned at an early age from sneaking sips

that barles and james tasted like a lot like soda so i remember one time i just like my mom had like we had had a barbecue and we had like a ton of wine coolers in the fridge. Yeah. So there was enough that I could sneak like four and nobody would know. And I drank them just because I want to drink soda, like watching TV. And then I was like, oh. Well, and what a weird thing before you know what being, I guess, who are you to know when

it's your first time? But like. I mean, I knew what adult, to this this day the smell of beer on an adult's breath is comforting to me i knew what drunk was it is like when i give somebody a hug and their breath smells like beer it just like makes me feel good we're getting too deep what's your first pick that's crazy that was all right so my first pick in uh in my version of this draft, the emoji draft, because I was bummed I didn't get to be a part of it. I know.

I felt bad, too, when Jamel. I was like, fuck, John would have loved it. Such a dope idea. By the way, I'm not going to pick the face with the huggy hands, but I didn't know that bugged everybody so much. It's just so creepy. I send it. You send it all the time.

Seriously. As soon as I heardan and you talking about it and i was like he he said it he said it perfectly because he's like he's like yeah sean will be like he's like you want buffalo wings and then that weird creepy thing that's the weirdest thing and if you if if you didn't like that emoji you'd be like why i wanted buffalo wings but not now i don't want i don't want that emoji to put its fingers all over it yeah i honestly i haven't so you're also the only dude i know who's not even my mom well because to me that's the it's the happiest looking emoji i didn't because of the hands the

creepy part never put it i never i never thought about that it was just to me it was like that's the most joyful uh face of all the emojis like that's the one where it's like oh my god I'm so excited you know and and I have had to check my emoji use because I'm I I honestly I put them on everything now you've been throwing the skateboard in lately well easy anyway so my first my first pick is going to be the uh the shaka the shaka hand the the surf so oh oh uh so just so you guys don't for those of you who have no idea what the fuck sean is talking about if you don't know thumb and pinky out thumb and pinky out it's hang ten hang okay hang ten i can roll with shaka is what it is first that's a good emoji it's like oh hey it's all good bro because they didn't put a lot in for skateboarding and we're like you know surfing and i know that

you mentioned by the way it's not a surfboarder it's a surfer that was killing me oh i'm sorry surfboarder i wait have you ever surfed you ever got you ever got up on a big wave and you don't say i'm gonna go surfboarding you don't say that i'm gonna go surfing you say i'm gonna go skateboarding i say i'm gonna beat your ass in this garage you don't check your tone here's here's here's three things here's three things i say you ready for the three things i say check your tone keep my name out your mouth take the bass out your voice i refuse to do any of those i've definitely heard you say i love

skateboarding i think you tweeted it the other day skateboarding is the one that is it because it's a it What about snowboarding? Yeah, I guess... So now I feel like you're just discriminating against my brethren on the waves. Don't you be ridiculous. Let me amend my statement. Let me amend my statement and say that it is a surfboard, but it is the one sport where there's a board

that you don't call it, you don't say surfboarding. That's fair. Skateboarding is the verb that you use. And I'm being a stinker i know what you're talking about well i know i know i like how we got so serious real quick this is why we need ian to like make us uh you know this is this is a real niche episode this is this is really for the boring heads in the song son jordan ex it's just uh i mean it felt it just no i just wanted to give him something

yeah put something out like i like you guys i really appreciate you guys i love you guys supporting us and i feel bad that you couldn't get some and it's like obviously you know we're missing kid dynamite but your kid's got some boom and some pal tnt you take the N out, you still got TT, and everybody loves titties. David Borey. Okay, that was okay. Anyway, so yeah, just the surf's up, the shaka, the thumb and pinky out. That was always my favorite because that was one where it's like,

that is the emoji that really conveys exactly what I'm shooting for in most of my texts, it's like oh cool i'll see you i'll see you tonight i also feel like with text i'm often looking for like a closer you know what i'm saying yeah like with emojis it's like a reason to be like this conversation is done like no more i sent you the shaka it's i didn't know where did you find out that it was called the shaka well that's uh it's like a hawaiian thing like shaka brada it's just like a surfer good vibe like how you live in kind of thing okay like how you live in shaka brada uh have you ever served i've tried uh a couple times well i probably tried five times never even stood up we should go body surfing this summer there's a surfer who's a surf instructor who listens who volunteer to

give us lessons i mean i'm not gonna i i'm i'm not i can body surf well a bit just anyway but yeah no i've never actually legit stood up um we were in forgive me if i told this before we were in costa rica and andy uh andy pitts friend of the podcast. Super cool dude. He came, so he came, uh, he came back to the villa where we were at and he had a big gash in his head. It was like, Oh, he ended up getting stitches, probably five or six stitches. What happened? Well, so he was out surfing by himself and he, the, the wave kicked the board up, hit him in the dome and he, it like split his wig, and then he said he was underwater, and he woke up underwater, I think.

My friends are going to get mad if I'm fudging the details. That's terrifying. He woke up underwater, and he said he had to snap himself out of it, kind of. He woke up, and he's like, wait, this is how people die. Fucking get to the top. So he got to the top, and he comes back, walking off to all of us, and he had this big cut on his forehead and he had like, you know how you can tell when someone's concussed

because they have like a loogie hanging like three inches off their chin. Yeah, that's it. They don't notice it. And it was like that. He's like, I'm good, right? I don't need stitches. And we're like, you're not good for a bunch of different reasons, bro. And yeah, anyway, they took him, got stitches.

It was all good. So it's my first pick i can't believe that we're somehow managing to go long on it's cool it's just the two of us like i said if you guys want to listen we want to but the second pick is going to be the skateboard that yeah i was so stoked when you've been throwing it in dude it works when you do it too though well that's one so i'll throw that one on like the gram like if uh you know if we get a message like a dm or something i don't know exactly what to say uh but i'm stoked that we got the message i'll just throw the skateboard in because it's tight yeah it's tight and you only put two

or three in so they're big yeah no you don't. If you put more than three in, they're not big, and so it makes it look like what's four smalls. Too many emojis is like, what are you, 15? Yeah. So when the skateboard emoji came out, I was super, super hyped. Oh, yeah. That's all. Since emojis, I was like, can't we have a fucking skateboard emoji?

So yeah, the skateboard emoji. They're going to do an ollie one soon or like a kickflip one where the board's like sideways underneath i bet you that's coming dude emoji magic man i'm yeah that's the only reason i want a new phone is so i can have the new like what you did the other day with the with the the black oh yeah i did a black i did my face with a turban on and then i said because sean because Sean was like, I'm getting into emoji skateboard. And I said, I am too with the turban face. It also makes me feel like your boy might need a turban.

I mean, you make the moves you want to make, my friend. I look mad cute. Mad cute. So yeah, the skateboard emoji. That's my second pick in the emoji draft now. David Borey, it is time for your second and third pick as it is. A serpentine draft. Yeah, we're doing all right.

Yeah, we're killing it. All right, so my second pick is I Need a Dad, obviously. And this guy wasn't a dad on the show, but I think he was ready for it. I'm taking the dad from King of Queens. Oh, really? I think he would have been a good father. We're talking Kevin James. Yeah, I think he would have been.

I loved him. He was so fun. He was like the dude who would be like, all right, man, you're sick today. I know you're not sick, but we're going to go to this Mets game. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? He'd be like, I'm in it with you. We're not sick, but we're going to go to this Mets game. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? He'd be like, I'm in it with you. We're not going to tell.

Because you need, I feel like there's not many that we have, but you need sometimes a secret that's just you and dad. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Hey, don't tell mom we went and got cheeseburgers. you know what i mean yeah hey don't tell mom we went and got cheeseburgers i met so there were my dad came back when i was oh whatever 12 13 i i mix it up but like there were a few of those where

he would be like don't don't tell your mama buying you this leather notre dame jacket i'm like dad i'm 12 what am i gonna do what am i gonna? Where's this leather Notre Dame jacket? Even if I wanted to sneak it in. Boy, I could just sneak in a fucking giant leather jacket. Yeah. Where'd you get that leather jacket, Sean? Seriously. That, by the way, was big enough for a 6'6", 350 gentleman. Because he ended up taking it back at one point.

So it fit him. So he expected me to sneak that in without telling my mom. Come on, player. I don't know, Mom. I just got this from a dude at the bus stop but there were those like he got me a remote control car one time and uh we had to keep it at his house now i realize it was just he wanted reasons for me to want to come over but but that's good yeah yeah it's tight so hell yeah so that's kevin james is

my second pick kevin james man his uh his special uh sweat the small stuff you remember that he's funny man he was a really guy i think he's really funny he's also got that fact he's got the fat guy body that all fat dudes want where it's like he still looks like he's really strong you know what i'm saying yeah i know what you're saying all right i was gonna say something so my next one i need a big brother right I need a big brother, right? You need a big brother on a television show. It's your world, my friend. I'm just living it.

You need a big brother. So my big brother is going to be Steve Harvey from The Harvey Show. And here's why. If you ever watch The Steve Harvey Show, he was a jet. He was a failed jet. Not failed, but he was kind of a retired musician. He was a failed jet. He was a jet kind of a retired musician he was a failed jet he was a jet all the way from his first cigarette till his last iron day i don't know what you're

talking about i don't understand the reference the jets and the sharks i don't know what you're talking about david borre i'm just kidding that was show business of course i've seen west side story the point is like i think steve hightower from the steve harvey show would be he's like because he's like he reminds me of me as a big brother where like he's in show business and you think it's cool but then you come to his house and it's not that cool like my little brothers think it's so cool and i'm like dog i don't have a computer until recently like it's not that cool. Until when exactly?

Today. Dog. And I had to check. Yo, I didn't even tell you this. By the way, with my computer, so they said it was going to come from 1045 to 230. That was the window. And I had an audition at 1045, right? OK.

So I came home, and as they dropped me off, i went and i saw the thing on my door and i was like fuck dude i missed it i missed my computer but then my man's was just one block up the street so i took the thing off the door and ran down the street and was like hey bro bro let me get let me get my he was like, hey, big dog, which I always appreciate. A man called me big dog. He was like, hey, big dog. Yeah, I got you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I had to track it down. But yeah, I think that, yeah, that's Steve Harvey from the Harvey show.

Steve Harvey show. I think he would have been a great. It was just like, you want your big brother to be cool. Yeah. You want your big brother to, cool yeah you want your big brother to because you were always you always no matter what whoever that big brother figure is you think he's cool and like i think that i'm lucky enough to have done that with my little brothers where they think i'm dope you are but but also like like oh man shut you guys will hear more from my little

brothers but like i fucking i know what you mean, though. I have certain people in my life, like my friend Micah, who was a big brother that I didn't meet until I was 14 or 15, but where I was just like, man, that dude's dope. This guy, he's teaching me shit. Yeah, he just... It's that guy who teaches you how to dress and how to do whatever. He didn't teach me how to dress. He dresses like a chump. But he just, he was like.

He teaches you some shit about how to be a man out here. Yeah. Just like, we would just always, he was like the older kid that would like teach us a thing or two, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also let us learn our own lessons, you know. Sometimes even taught us a lesson or two. Yeah.

And shout out to dudes who were young who were doing that. Yeah. too yeah and that's and shout out to dudes who were young who were doing that yeah because like man i really believe that if if i had had uh if i had had some more dudes when i was 17 to 21 to tell me how to move i'd have been a exponentially better person for it i had to figure it out on my own but yes we were we were always pretty lucky with that with skating like we had because you guys always built in right well because it's such a tight community like you didn't sounds weird but age didn't necessarily matter too much so when i was like 15 you'd hang out with like like our friend stottero was like 23 i think but you skated so but yeah it was just like you're all the same

community so it didn't matter and like they wouldn't they'd never do anything like crazy around us they would just like drink beers and we'd watch skate videos yeah and we'd chill at their house and i'd tell my mom like we're gonna be here till three and she was fine with it because she knew we weren't doing shit we were just chilling you know what i mean yeah yeah so yeah anyway but yeah anyway steve harvey from the harvey show all right back to you time for my third and fourth pick uh i'm gonna pick the cheersing beer mugs oh that's a good one it's fun it's so good it's such a good cap teddy like like when when it's something good you know what i mean when we're like hey we got paid today or some shit and then you just do cheers and that like feels good well and that's the thing like

now that i've now that i've grown into an emoji man uh it an emoji man i don't because i i used to think just like everything i remember when for a brief second i was like texting isn't that tight although i was pretty quick with texting i was like this is pretty dope but yeah i got up on it pretty fast but but there was a minute where it was like what you can't talk to me you're just gonna text me and you're like now talking sounds dreadful i like i i've been bringing back the call though i know you have you noticed that i like like i'll i'll call you if we got something we got to talk about i'll just call you real quick yeah zach ian and i have all time we're like david called is something wrong you're like hey what's up pal yeah no no i just it's just easier

to get your point across real fast yeah i feel you and uh that's where with laura like obviously because i fought that when i moved here uh she wasn't a real texter and i wasn't a real talker and then then you realize like to make a long distance work you have you just have to talk anyway it takes two to make a thing go right it takes two to make a thing go right yeah it takes two to make it outside um but yeah the the cheersing emoji i used to think it was kind of corny like uh i don't know it just seemed like something a chump would do but but that also feels like with emojis in general exactly it's just like no i gotta give into the corny as soon as you let go of that then you're

like well yeah i'm embracing techno i'm just trying to fucking live you know just out here trying to function so yeah the the cheersing emoji and then for my fourth pick i'm gonna do the uh which i just found and this is gonna be i guess my pick that you guys might clown on me for because i haven't i don't think i've sent it to anyone i think i tweeted it the other day but it's it's like a rocks glass with a shot of whiskey in it oh yeah yeah that's a good one i just found that and i was like dog this is like what are you doing tonight i'm just gonna chill and watch true detective and then you send that like yeah oh man i gotta get on that new true detective it is so good i might jump on that shit tonight it is so good they're like five in anyway that just feels like it's like a grown-up emoji yeah like what are you doing nothing i mean i'm

still gonna be out here living like i'm over 21 but yeah you know just i'm on my grown man shit i'm on my grown man shit that's like i picture you bringing in your macbook open it up air like macbook air i'm not trying to i don't want y'all to think not trying to show anyone up yeah i don't want you guys to think nothing crazy yeah just pulling up pulling up at sonic opening your macbook yep right there you know number two with bacon tots and a watermelon spray and a large soda and then you open your macbook yeah don't worry it's i paid extra for the salmon that's what you say yeah you motherfuckers you think you're better than me just the you'll you'll come to see that emoji from me more yeah the whiskey the little bit of whiskey in a in like a rocks cup i like it a

lot so yeah that's my that is my fourth pick uh david borey it is time for your fourth and final pick in the ultimate tv family david borey's version draft so my fourth pick i'm going with a little sis just because it's very common and i I am taking DW from Arthur. Now, okay. Pardon my ignorance. Arthur, the cartoon. Yeah. Oh, you're a little old for it.

You're a little old for it. Stop. No, no, no. No, just because I was old for it. What? Well, now I feel bad. Here, let me paint you a picture. David Borey, 13 years old, watching a show he knows he shouldn't. But he's in school, baby. Anything could happen. You can't watch Arthur? I felt too old when I was watching it. picture david boy 13 years old watching a show he know he shouldn't but he did school baby anything

could happen you can't watch arthur i i felt too old when i was watching it oh word not yeah bad reason you just felt like i felt too old okay but it's like the song was like every day when you're walking down the street there's some everybody that you meet has an original point of view and i say hey what a wonderful kind of day where we can learn to work and play and get along with each other but uh dw was just she was such a great little sister you can't just gloss over that like you didn't oh yeah oh yeah i sang it but dw she was like you didn't watch it she was like a really good little sister as far as like she was kind of a bitch but not like in like in a cool way like she was just like busting arthur's he'd be like we're doing important boy stuff and she'd be like boy stuff real cool you know what i mean like she was just like you need somebody's gonna snap on you you need

somebody's gonna bust your balls right right uh you know shout out to my sister grace for making me feel stupid uh but like yeah i guess i just dw is great yeah you guys are listening if you know you know if you don't know go watch the martha and then uh it's it's time for my final pick huh yeah let's throw it out there my final pick i think that every family on television should have an animal. So I'm taking a dog. There it is. And my man, Snoopy. How is Snoopy not my dog? How is Snoopy not my dog?

My dog. My goodness. That dude. Yeah, Snoopy, man. He'd pretend with you. He'd greet. Like Snoopy's a ride or die, dude. Yeah.

And he was a dog where like he always had his own shit going on too you could roll up like hey snoopy we're gonna go hurt some people you can never ask me about it and then he'd say whose car we take he's like i just took out i just took out three jets of the red baron this afternoon man i'll do it i don't give a fuck let me put my once he once he puts that scarf on it doesn't go off till it tastes blood well and he's paid too that's fun snoopy's got stacks oh snoopy's got stacks he invested in fucking google futures before any of us knew what was up he wanted them to be snoopy snacks but then he gave it to scooby because he's like i don't need it he was He was also like. He's still got a piece.

He was also like, bro, I got a long time in this game. You're not long for this world. I'll let you take it. I'll let you take it. You need it. You need it. Snoopy. Snoopy going to be all right.

I just, now I'm just picturing Snoopy and Scooby like chesting up. Yo, dude, who would win that fight? Snoopy, man. Yeah, he's got weapons scooby's wilder though scooby's wilder but scooby would like i think i think don't get me wrong i think i think scooby would knock you down like i think he's got i think he i think he's nice with the hands scooby seems like he's kind of dumber so he wouldn't he'd be like i don't give a fuck we're both going to the hospital or you're going to the hospital exactly exactly but snoopy's he just got weapons he's got schemes what are his weapons oh you don't mean like physical weapons i mean i mean what aren't his weapons cunning snoopy's just standing there chest all puffed up yeah mouth just a gape

snoopy snoopy disappear and put you in a jaw you know what i mean you ever got hit like that where you didn't see it coming but you thought you thought you were doing something else and then this guy just i i got i got i got tagged like that shout out to pat martin man i got tagged like that one time for sure this kid um not this kid our friend rat was so 0709 was the buckest month of my whole life and it was the month like two months before i moved to portland we're outside you got like eight fights right well like uh enough to be like a lot of fights yeah but i didn't get it i was around for a bunch and just my friends were doing it so what but this one uh, something to the effect of somebody,

somebody like cracked a bottle on his head and he laughed at him. And Rat laughed at him. And so the dude that he didn't sit well and something happened. And so I was like coming over to see what's up. And this dude comes up and hits me in the back of the head, like pretty hard. And I fell because I wasn't expecting it at all. And then he grabbed my hair and he was like trying to rub my face into the parking lot.

Like crazy. And I'm like, dude, we don't. That's for a 30-year-old. We don't know each other. This is wild. And then a bouncer pulled him off, and I was like, I came over to the dude. I'm like, dog, what in the world were you doing? And I mean, I'm sure I didn't say it that polite but it was i i conveyed the message

that like i guarantee you didn't say what in the world well but i if i i tap my golf cap and i go sir yeah no but i i conveyed the message like listen man i don't want to fight but that was crazy what you just did and he he can gave me the same probably not polite but he's like i get it but i'm heated and i was like whatever and then we just dipped but yeah that was the one that was the one big sucker punch i got we were just on a tangent we're in middle school and um do you ever think that like if we ever get to be famous some dude's gonna be like yeah i like beat that kid up no it'll be more like that kid was naked at a party one time oh yeah that's gonna be unfortunate um but anyway yeah i know i know what a bummer uh but yeah snoopy snoopy snoopy is. I'm in. So it is now time for my final pick.

Final pick. And by the way, I want to say, I think we did good. I think it was fun. I think we did a good job. I hope everybody enjoyed. It was a night. Not a night, but it just ended up being longer than we thought. We were at the Ace until like 10.30.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I had to get paid. None of that. We're just in the garage. It feels i had to get paid none of that we're just we're in the garage like it's it feels good though i'm excited that we're yeah yeah it feels i'm glad we can do it putting something out this is the first one without ian i know it's such a bummer he'll be all right though he's tough yeah yeah i just yeah anyway shout out shout out cartwheel yeah shout out shout out to our best friend. Seriously. Like, it's not even like, not some obscure thing. Hey, shout out to the guy we spend a ton of time with and love so much.

Shout out to the reason this podcast is a thing. I remember it. Well, what? I just remember the day when he was like, I got a podcast idea. And I'm like, dog, that sounds fucking dope. He told me at Bridgetown, he was like, hey, man, I'm going to do this podcast. And I want you to be on it a lot. I didn't give a fuck. I was wasted.

I was like, yeah, bro, whatever. I'll do your shit. And then come to find out it changed my life. And here we go. We're going to have our own little mini Bridgetown in Portland in a month. Oh, boy. If you guys aren't coming to that, you're dumb. Like, seriously.

We got special merch. Like, yo, y'all got to come. Pertineer to the day. I mean, it's February 7th right now when we're recording. But when this comes out, it'll be one month exactly to those shows. Yep. So, yeah. Hell yeah.

Anyway. Anyways. Fifth pick is going to be the microphone. Oh. Just because, you know, I live in a world where I get to speak into a microphone a lot. I was thinking about that the other day. You know how, like, I think about that Lauren Hilvers where she says, hands get calloused from gripping microphones from here to Dallas.

And like, bro, I've done that. All I do is talk about it. And other people don't. We're real lucky. Other people don't get to do that a lot. When you think about that, I remember, well, I think i remember the first time i did stand up like i remember my version of it and it it didn't it didn't feel

crazy to grab the microphone it i do i wasn't i was never i wasn't nervous to hear my voice fucked up on mic technique no i i just you kind of just hold it close to the mouth but the mic emoji is just fun because it's like a, it's just a fun stand-up thing. And I guess if you're like a rapper and musician, you get to do it too. But for me, it's just like, yeah, you know, got a show tonight, mic emoji. And again, I don't really send that one all that much. As I was listening to the emoji draft, I kept thinking like, man, I want to send these two more. And it was the rocks glass and the mic so those are two that are gonna the i'm gonna replace the creepy fucking hands the smiley face with the shitty hands i'm

gonna replace that with these two emojis so you know everybody should be happy about that oh yeah well we did it we did it we uh you know you want to do a recap real quick just to recap did you i'm wondering did you write it down? Yeah, I wrote it down. So did I. Look at us. We both know what time it is. So my recap is the mom from the Cosby show.

No, let's do each other's recap. Oh, you didn't write mine down? No, I didn't write mine down. That's all right. Do your recap. I'm not that responsible. All right, so recap. I'll do mine.

The mom from the Cosby show the dad from king of queens my big brother is steve harvey from the steve harvey show my little sis is or steve hightower from the steve harvey show my little sis is dw from arthur and my pet is snoopy hell yeah uh i went with uh the shaka the, the thumb out, pinky out, the hang 10 for my first pick, just the straight up skateboard for my second pick, the cheers emoji to just two chavs brubbing it up, you know, maybe they just graduated university, got some new trainers getting real mental for the night. Mental.

Mental. There were a couple of fucking chavs at the ace, by the way. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. My fourth pick was the risk whiskey rocks emojis at the Ace, by the way. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. My fourth pick was the whiskey rocks emoji. And my fifth pick was the microphone. Hey, guys. And we can't really do that. We left some bangers on the board because it's already been discussed.

No, no, we don't really. Yeah, everything else got picked. But I guess, you know, in closing, like, thank you guys for rocking with us. I hope this was all right. We love you. Like we said, we just wanted to get one out for you. Yeah. And, you know, what are we doing?

We're not doing shit. No, we're out here. And yeah, that's about it. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to fucking Earl Sweatshirt. Shout out to Eddie Sweater, which is what we used to call him. Shout out to Eddie Vedder, too. I see you out there. Shout out to fucking Earl Sweater. Shout out to Eddie Sweater, which is what we used to call him.

Shout out to Eddie Vedder, too. I see you out there. Shout out to Chris Cornell. Man, shout out to Temple of the Dog. Yeah. Yeah. So you got some bangers. All right.

And more important than all that, please tune in again next week for a brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shake-a-cock-a-dee! new episode of all fantasy everything. That was a hate gun podcast.