All Fantasy Everything - Moments in Time You'd Want to Travel Back To (w/ Jane Harrison, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

Delta Airlines fucking sucks. That's the episode description. Enjoy.Episode Guests:Jane Harrison @mejaneyoushutup IG: @janeiferrrrrCheck out her podcast Significant Others!Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-longs episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that, did I spike? Did I spike the levels? Did I spike them? So what, it's going to be muffled for half a second? On the free podcast? Fuck me.

On the free fucking podcast? Fuck me. For half a second, it's going to... What, am I pop? Am I blow a tweeter out in someone's deluxe Mustang they listen to this to? Is that what might happen? They're going to get blown out of their minds. I'm blowing mind tweeters. We're blowing mind tweeters in 2019.

Yeah, wait for my first pick. You motherfucker. This is the bad vibes here. 2018 is the good vibes here. Welcome to the bad vibes game. 2018 is the good vibes here. Welcome to the bad vibes game. This year will be mean. I killed those meatballs when I woke up. Did you?

Oh, there were ones left? There were like 10 left. There were meatballs? Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Last night. I'm on meatballs. Cartwheel's got an amazing meatball recipe.

I got a complicated meatball recipe. I was chastised this morning by one Emma Arnold who's staying with us. We had our New Year's Eve party last night. And apparently I put in too much barbecue sauce. No way. Into the meatball? The barbecue sauce is in the meatball? It's the easiest recipe. So I got a crockpot.

You get pre-cooked Trader Joe's turkey meatballs. You put them in there. And then you put 16 ounces of barbecue sauce, 16 ounces of grape jelly. Whip the shit out of it. Just whip the fuck out of it. You just whip the shit out of it. Whip the fuck out of it.

And then you fucking pour it into the crock pot. And then you slow cook the meatballs in that melange. And then you serve it. Serve it warm. It was delicious. Is it good? Oh, dude. Apparently, if I put less.

You didn't have any? No, I missed it. I only got ice cream cake. Oh. The cake, though. The cake is fucking good. I'm going to get another session. Apparently, if I put less... You didn't have any? No, I missed it. I only got ice cream cake. Oh. The cake is fucking good. I'm going to get another session. A whole other thing. That's the same thing. Barbecue sauce and grape jelly made that cake. Oh, is that ice cream cake? It's also barbecue sauce and grape jelly. It's ground up meatballs. Everything in our kitchen. It's like music.

It's all the notes mixed different ways. It's just what you do with it, right? Yeah, there's 16 notes and it's just about putting them together in fun and interesting ways. I'm on the barbecue sauce grape jelly diet. Yeah. When I was a kid, I would mix barbecue sauce

and mayonnaise into tuna and mix and have that. I don't mind that. Yeah, that doesn't sound bad at all. It was good for like a minute and then after like minute five, you're like, oh God. Yeah.

It goes wrong. That hickory smoke. Yeah. Here's my thing about barbecue sauce. That's not a seagoing spice. I need to pick my own adventure With barbecue sauce You mean you gotta apply how much?

I gotta be in control of how saucy I want the ribs with the sauce to dunk Do you also want like the Memphis Like it could be Memphis style Yeah I just want to make my own moves Cause sometimes I want Without any barbecue sauce It's a good It's a well cooked piece of meat You made it sound like without any barbecue sauce. It's a well-cooked piece of meat.

You made it sound like we have barbecue sauce on everything. You don't need to talk about your great jelly habits. I'm just saying what I like, Sean. Just put hot sauce on salad. Bring that in the 2019 hot sauce on salad. King of Hormel. Hey, if you could be quieter. Wow.

Sean Jordan spent one week in the American South, and he's come back sassy as you like. Oh, so what I was going to say down there with, so Laura's dad's a three-star general. The general. Three-star, I found out. How many general? I think there's five.

I think there's five. At a time or in general? In general. Oh, boy. So he got there on his hood, and we went to the military base. Wait, his stars are on the hood of his car? Of his Mustang. Wait, no.

Wait, really? Oh, yeah. Not on the hood like a monster logo or anything, like a monster energy. Like just a little decal so when he gets into the base, they know this is the three-star general. Can we get those decals? Yeah. Because when they said, because he was like,

yeah, they're on the hood and I'm like, get the fuck out of here because I thought it was going to be like a Red Bull logo on the hood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the air scoop or whatever. So we go up and there's this just like 19-year-old

just, I mean, like a flagpole. Sir! So tight. And I'm pretty sure he got to say like at ease or something. Oh man, we should get one of those.

You should also have said at ease. I should have been like, cool out, dude. It's all right. No, just like you say everything. He says like,

you're also the general. He's like, at ease. You're like, at ease. You're the little general. He's my little general. He's my little general right here.

No, he just goes at ease. And I go as a mob with the dog pound, feel the breeze. All day. Viatch. Throughout the whole place. I just wish as a mob with a dog

I don't feel the breeze I don't think any of you just toted along with a general that's pretty fun we kept piling in the back seat of the stang stang banging stang banging on the air force base so Laura picked me up from the Atlanta airport and she's fiery red airport and she's,

Fiery Redhead and she's in a Mustang and I'm like, get the fuck out of here. She's kind of tight. Did that ding-donger set off the TSA? It went from six to midnight,

you know what I mean? Straight up. Hang a towel on that thing. You got a hard weapon over here. It was real gross. Check that, it's good that you were

leaving the airport. The lethal weapon is what I watched on the plane. Why don't you talk quieter? Yeah, how about that? So quiet. You're peeking over there. I watched Major League on the plane.

Wow. Classic. Classic. Total classic. We had a fun little New Year's Eve party last night. Charcuterie board, meatballs. Lots of cheese. Ice cream pie. We were talking about this. So Charcuterie board, meatballs. Lots of cheese. Ice cream pie.

We were talking about this. So I think people are scared to get into the cheese. Because it looks intimidating. It was a little goatee. It was a little, there wasn't enough. Did you have any brie? I didn't see any. Yeah, there was a brie.

There was both a baked brie and a brie wheel. Yeah. Yeah, the baked brie was great. I missed it. I came late. I came when I was winding down. We were at full music video watching time when I got here. Oh, did you come after midnight?

Yeah, I came at one. Oh, alright. If you remember that at all. You know, briefly. Las Vegas. Yeah, I was at the Chateau. I was not here. Yeah, I fucking lived it up last night. You and Cradley Schmurper and Lady Gaga, right? Yeah, that was the whole night. It was a gay party too.

So everybody, every six minutes, would come out on the balcony and be like, that's where Lady Gaga was, up at the bungalow. I think that's the billboard, but they must have CGI'd it further away. That's gnarly. Oh, yeah, that's right, they were staying at the Chateau in that movie. Oh, I thought they were there last night, too.

No, no, no. ScarJo was at the bar. Ooh, ScarJo. Yeah, no one said if Jost was there or not, but, you know. Oh, that's right were there last night, too. No, no, no. ScarJo was at the bar. Ooh, ScarJo. Yeah. Really? No one said if Jost was there or not, but, you know. Oh, that's right. They're together. Her and Colin Jost? The Jost with a most?

Yeah. Wow. Comedians, man. Keep it going, guys. Pete Davidson. Eric Andre and Rosario Dawson. Has any female comedian ever, like, leveled up? I guess Michael Sheen and Sarah Silverman.

That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. That's good. But she did Jimmy. It was Jimmy Kimmel for a long time. Ellen guess Michael Sheen and Sarah Silverman. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, that's good. But she did Jimmy. It was Jimmy Kimmel for a long time. Ellen and Portia de Rossi. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess you could do it, yeah.

That's a W for Ellen. That's a nice one. That was a W for Portia, too. That was a W for everybody. That was an M for Portia. Maybe even a B. Does she have a B? No way.

Ellen? You think so so Ellen might know and Ellen's probably not a billionaire yeah that's Oprah she makes money

but not that money yeah she's not like Oprah where she has all those different revenue streams that's true like it's mostly just the show

there's no Harpo network it's not like what would Nell it would just be Nell backwards there's no L magazine oh wait

oh well there is I'll be here all week well There's no L magazine. Oh, wait. Oh. Well, there is. I'll be here all week. Well, that's fun. Just Ellen in a different sweater every week. A different dance move? Yeah. Her special's funny, though.

I haven't watched it yet. I've got to watch it. I haven't watched it. It's funny. I started it, and I was not into it. I'm playing Red Dead 2 and very little else. You beat it, you said. I beat it.

Last night? Well, no. I beat it two days ago. But then I kept playing it. But I have beat it. I redeemed the Red Deadness. I beat the Epilogue 2. I got horses left and right. What are their names again? I got one called LeSabre. I had one called Bovice

that died. I beat Bovice. If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room. That's what Bo Weiss always thought. Genghis? Genghis, because he's a horse

that is native to, it's the kind of horse that's native to the steppes of Mongolia. Strong legs. Central Asia, strong legs. How'd you get that one

all the way to the American West? You know, a boat, I imagine. They didn't explain it. There was no papers, but a boat, I imagine. it there was no papers but a boat my current horse

that I'm rocking is named Seedale Seedale that's sick dude is that like a Riverdale spinoff I was thinking like what are cool names

and then I remembered Seedale Threat the basketball player and then I was like okay but I'm gonna change it up a little bit Seedale

SEA anyway that's what people tune in for. It's that kind of podcast. It's that kind of podcast. I'll probably get one to name it Chungus at some point. Don't get me wrong. Chungus is dang as shit. Chungus, dude.

I don't play that game, but I would have a Myrmidon if I could. Myrmidon? Myrmidon. Oh, shit. I might have to get another horse. Chungus and Myrmidon? That sounds like two different gods. Sounds like a Romulus and Remus

kind of story. Those are fun strippers. Chungus and Myrmidon. The two sons of Prague. Yeah. They were increasingly dumb badgers who fell asleep outside the... They were nursed from a badger? Increasingly

dumb badgers. Sean Jordan on's tight. We don't badger. Sean Jordan. Yes, sir. On the ones and twos. Scott Stewart, yeah. At SeanSJordan on Twitter. A little general. Sean Cougar, Sean Cougar, Mel and Jordan on Graham.

Seen a lot of those out there. A lot of those. A lot of those coming up. Freshly returned from Bama-Lama, Alabama. I was in the Alabama Slamma. Welcome, my son. Yeah. It was fun.

It was a trip. I've never been to the South before. Yeah. For real. Really? Yeah. I bet I was in Atlanta Alabama Slamma. Welcome, my son. Yeah. It was fun. It was a trip. I've never been to the South before. Yeah. For real. Really? Yeah. I bet I was in Atlanta for a day. Well, for like four days for a wedding, but it was in like whatever cool part of Atlanta.

Yeah. So we didn't really get a feel for anything. Little five points or whatever. M&M Park or something? Yeah. It's a nice park. Zach, don't use the fridge while we're recording. And also put pants on when you're in the house or something.

Tuxedo pants, please. We're in the, we are recording from the forge as a solid dudes. Just so people know. What about Zach just went in his room like, Oh, I should probably put my new year's clothes on.

Came out looking like a million bucks. Like a million bucks. Did he have that on point sweater on? Yeah. It had the cowl neck. Nice look. That's a good look on a stack. Next time he's on,

he can defend this, but something where he went to buy that sweater and didn't know how much it was and found out and was like, fuck,

still bought it. Still bought it, right? You make a decision. They had to like special order it or some shit. Oh boy. It's a special sweater.

It looked nice. It looked great. What do you got coming up? Where can people come see you? I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon in March. You're going to be up there in March? Yeah, I'm going to be up Portland, Oregon in March. You're going to be

up there in March? Yeah, I'm going to be up there in March. In March? March 8th? On the 8th and 9th. Now, three of the four shows are sold out.

Oh, my God. But there's another stand-up show at the Revolution Hall. And I think everybody should buy tickets to that and come hang out. We've got a late show.

We've got an early show. The early show, it's going to be better. I can say that now. We're going to try harder. Yeah. Well, you're doing the hour. We're just doing fun stuff.

Yeah, right? Like, hey, pop in. Hey, what's this? You're going to goof. 10 minutes, I fucking. Yeah. You can go out there and just fucking like, you can jump rope. You can do anything.

Yeah. I'm literally going to show my ass. Go do like a shuttle run type thing. Maybe shuttle. We're going to combine up on stage. Do a kickflip. I'm going to do a kickflip Go do like a shuttle run type thing. Maybe shuttle. We need a combine up on stage. Do a kickflip. I'm going to do a kickflip out there. That'll take me 20 minutes just to do a kickflip.

I can do an ollie. I'm going to press like Lord. Yeah. I'm going to do the lipstick like smeared on my face like I just got in a fight. Yeah. I might get in a fight. That's perfect. All this stuff.

That's entertaining. I would watch you fight somebody. At the early show, Sean Jordan is going to pick a fight and see it through. So buy tickets. For the first time in his life. Yeah. God damn it. He is going to pick a fight and see it through. So buy tickets. For the first time in his life. Yeah. God damn it. He's going to see it through.

He's going to land the plane. I was watching you elbow Mike Malloy for like 20 minutes. Oh, yeah. You got to poke the bear. You really are asking for that. You've been asking for that the last two times we've been out. I poked the bear. I poked the bear.

And then you got up and Ian was like, go home. And you were like, I'll be back. And then you just disappeared. I feel like it's going to happen. You're not going to want to put on that suit you bought. Listen, I'll beat the shit out of Mike Malloy any fucking day. It's not going to happen.

I'll beat Malloy's ass and I'll fly to New York. Wherever he's at when he's listening to this, he just like snapped a pen. I'll take Shane and Mike and beat the shit out of both those dickweeds oh my god 2019's different are you saying

I will beat like as a two on one I will beat the shit out of Mike by the way as Sean said Sean said 2019's different

he just uncrossed and crossed his legs like face against him yeah like face against him oh man I saw right up that butthole. You know?

I gotta say, I like it. Shane's made a ham, so you might be able to beat him, but I don't think you're going to be able to beat Mike

Malloy. Mike Malloy's made of violence. He's from Boston. Yeah. Listen. He's got that racist rage inside

of him. I will beat the living shit out of Mike Malloy and Shane Torres before this year is over. Mike, I'm sorry. Shane, I'm really gonna do it just three irishmen shane it's on site yeah three irishmen just hustling with each other the green hurricane god just living up to the all the stereotypes how bad do you think it would end for me if i did like get them to in a room and i was

like let's fight and they just beat the crap out of me. Mike's on or off? I think Mike would do most of the work. I could have a gun. I don't think Shane would do much. Shane would just be like, yeah, get him. Mike would do like James Gandolfini in True Romance. He'd be like, oh, that's cute. Give me one. One right on the kisser. And then, you know. Shane would give you a denim burn.

Is that where he just rubs that jacket against his thigh real fast? He just wraps the sleeves around your neck and twists. He just starts rubbing up against you like blue on a tree. Smush you against the wall. Yeah. So, you know, check those out. David Borey is here as well, the GSL on Twitter.

CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. That is my name. Not seeing a lot of those. Not seeing too many cool guys. Yeah, I'm the one. Yeah, you're the only cool guy on Instagram. You don't just have to Cougar Melon join yourself. You can be CoolGuy and then whatever you do.

That is a CoolGuyJokes87. What was it? CoolGuyK86 or something? I can't cool you. I can't cool you. That was my screen name back in the day. Like LL Cool J if you're not following. Yeah.

For those at home, I hate to walk you through it, dissect the songbird, but yeah. In case you didn't think I was born a genius, I'll tell you this. Oh, my God. Yeah, I could have told you. But you could be like, if you make like pies, you could be Cool Pies Jokes 87 or Cool Guy Pies 87.

Or Cool Thigh Jokes 87. Oh, yeah. It was Cool Joke because you're Jewish, right? Oh, yeah. 100% in Burm. Or Cool Thigh Jokes 87. Oh, yeah. It was Cool Jukes. You're Jewish, right? Oh, yeah. 100% Bar Mitzvah and everything. I can see it.

Yeah, baby. I can see it. Jewish, yeah. All the way. All the way. Are you single? I'm not single. No, no, no.

I'm taken. Quite happily taken. 100%. Born and taken. I'm taken and I'm taken. She's on the porch right now. She's got a particular set of skills. Clogging.

Clog dancing is one of them. Honey making. Beekeeping. Moonwalking, dude. Moonwalking. Mothering. Motherhood. Brotherhood.

Yeah. And not smotherhood. You know? No time to give somebody the space when they need it. I like that. Good for you. Good year. Clog dancing.

Motherhood, brotherhood, smotherhood. Tried to get her to clog last night. Wouldn't do it. I understood. Motherhood, brotherhood, smothered. Tried to get a clog last night. Wouldn't do it. I understood. She didn't have bra on. You can't let those things go flabbing. Not when the clog is at stake. Dave, what do you got going on?

You can see me January 12th at East Cliff Brewing in Santa Cruz, California. Going up to the cruise where they filmed Lost Boys. Yeah, I'm going to be up in the cruise. December or January 18th and 19th, you can see me at the Velveeta Room. Ooh, Austin. Austin, Texas. I heard that's good. And then the week after that, I'll be popping up somewhere to run the half hour,

probably, hopefully in Denver. And then I'm going to New Orleans. I'm going to be there, too. I decided. It's going down. I'm going to be in New Orleans. There's a strong chance I've quit my job by then, and I'll be there as well. Whoa.

What if your boss listens to this? New moves. And they beat you to the punch. Then there's a stronger chance that I get fired. If you get fired, you cop that unemployment, big boy. No, I don't.

Big boy. Here's a perfect time to say it. Everybody who is on the Patreon, thank you. It's pretty much there. It's amazing. I think I'll be able to do this. That's crazy.

It is insane. I hope it's not lost in my tone of voice. We did have a, we did throw down. He's talking so quietly. I don't know. I'm serious. I'm trying to be serious.

I'm real. This is like sincerity to the listeners. It just means the world to all of us. It's just so sick. Is this how NPR turns into that? We're slowly turning into an NPR show. Yeah, during the fundraising stuff, they immediately like,

thank you so much. They do. Yeah, thank you so much for yourPR show. Yeah, during the like fundraising stuff, they immediately like, thank you so much. They do. Yeah, thank you so much for your continued support. Yeah. It's because they're so sincere. We're going to be sending out AFE tote bags.

I know that's the hackiest NPR joke you can make. It's DJ Easy Dick. Can we do that? We're going to be like, I can be more like that. 2019, I can still dictate how I want to be.

What the fuck was that? That was the best jump from the NPR. For a second, I thought you thought that was an NPR. I do. And I was like, what? And I was like, oh, no, Snoop Dogg is. It's from Doggy Style. Oh, thank you.

I'm not familiar. You're tuned in right now. For the Jackal Hour. This is DJ Easy Dink talks about the salty nuts he's dying he loves it

he's killing it he's coming alive he all took was the one I like it but honestly thank you to everyone on the Patreon

thank you so much for fucking with us it does let us thrive out here thrive goes west baby what else is going on? Anything? You know, onward and upward.

I'm happy to be doing this with my friends. I think we're going to have a pretty good, fun year. I think it is. 2019 is looking up. I hope 2019 is looking up for y'all. Trying to get my own place on for the first time in 2019. Get my place on. Get my place on.

In my mason. In my mason. That's tough you know it's hard to run those words I might have some potato salad in the fridge get my house on and my blouse on

then go home with Donald Faison yeah sup David what up Snoop yeah other than I'm good man I'm pretty stoked

me too I've been off work for like a week and a half yeah man you look like vacationed up I'm glowing I wore a Hawaiian shirt

last night yeah yep I was in bed by 2 yes yeah it was a very respectable I asked David

earlier in the night I was like are you guys going late and he was like ha ha ha and I got here at 1 and everyone was like hello we started early as well yeah we started at like 8 earlier in the night and I was like are you guys going late and he was like ha ha ha and I got here at one and everyone was like hello

we started early as well yeah we started at like eight so it was just yeah you got here like seven so we started we started drinking I think I started

yeah four four oh eight or something like that yeah no you were cups of whiskey deep by the time as soon as Amy's car

could get me here you know Jane Harrison our guest today. At me, Jane, you showed up on Twitter. Correct. At, what is it on Instagram? Janeifer with five R's.

That's right, Janeifer with five R's. It's too complicated, but I made it in college, so I'm sticking with it. You have to stick with it. People will see it out. They'll find you. It's got every journey, you know, is's worth uh a thousand fives mine used to be used to be sean jordan one two three oh i know i should go back to my aol account xx dolphin goddess

xx i can't hold you i can't go back to mine yeah i uh my email my gmail still has 187 in it because when i was making a gmail account i'm like, ain't nobody ever going to fucking see this. And so I put the code for murder in there. Wait, what year? You guys keep talking, I'm going to heat some water up. I just realized that you did that for Gmail. I always thought you did that for Hotmail. No, Hotmail's, well, whatever. What year was, what do we, Gmail came out?

2010 I started my Gmail account. That seems late. You weren't banking on the internet working out in 2010? You didn't make any money. I wasn't banking on Gmail taking over. I got a Gmail in seventh grade. Well, I'm older. 2010, he didn't think Google was going to work.

It was already a phenomenon. I'm just rubbing my chin like Jafar. Let's see about Google. Too many colors. I don't think it's going to land. No, I still, I honestly, if I had my druthers, I like Hotmail better still. Yeah? Well, actually, I I had my druthers, I like Hotmail better still. Actually, I do have my druthers. I like Hotmail

better. Go back to Hotmail, you little bitch. Don't tell me what to do. Do you still use Hotmail sometimes? No. But you liked it better. I did like it better. So you didn't stick with the one you love. You went with what everybody else liked. I'm a follower. I would jump off the bridge. Yeah, you can still have a Gmail

or a Hotmail. I got one still. Yeah. I would jump off the bridge. Yeah, you can still have a Gmail or a Hotmail. I got one still. Why don't you just use that? Well, talk to BangBus. Maybe I do. What are you doing? No, I don't. The first cup of coffee didn't take,

so I made another one. So if you hear a grinding in the background, we are grinding beans. Yeah. That's the... Are you making coffee? I am. Oh, I love some.

Woo! That's the Fortress of Solid, dudes. You you making coffee? I am. Oh, I love some. Woo. That's the fortress of solid dudes. You get all the bells and whistles. Marissa's just punching a brick wall right now. God damn it. She's, she's the best. It's Canadian.

So she just folded my shirt over and over and over again. That's how they express their anger. Jane, what do you got going on? What's the, what's the light? You live in New York city. I live in New York city.

Uh, do you live with any shit bags or anything? You're friends with all of us, but you, uh, you have a more intimate relationship. I am the roommate of one Mr. Uh, Syrup Mountain, Shane Torres. The big cranberry himself. Um, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, or Sarah Appleby Sanders. It's probably my favorite one. And there's so many good ones. So tight. Sarah Appleby Sanders. It's probably my favorite one. And there's so many good ones. Sarah Appleby Sanders.

He's not big on that one. Oh, Shane doesn't like it? I don't know. It's hard to tell because I'm almost petting his head like, I love you, but also You should pet his head with some scissors. The payload. The payload copter has landed.

The payload copter. What do you got? You got anything? Yeah, what's going on? I'm at Union Hall on the 12th of January for Yedoye Travis's Dark Tank podcast live. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be proposing a solution to racism.

I already solved Kanye a couple months ago i did and he followed my advice he i literally did what i suggested what did he what was your suggestion mine was that he runs an art school in chicago an art college oh yeah which because he would get to spout off and stuff i explain now in the podcast look up his podcast um too but sorry to promote other podcasts once Not at all. Once you've listened to every single episode and then every other podcast on the HeadGum Network. Every single punch up the gym. Also, Oprah's

Super Soul Conversations. Super Soul Sundays? Yeah. Listen to those. Bad audio quality. The daily. We have better audio quality than Oprah. That's crazy, man. My podcast, Significant Others. Listen to that one too. Listen to that podcast. What's the, dive into it a little bit what's the

podcast oh it's me and Mara Wiles wonderful Denver comedian oh yeah Mara's awesome shout out to Mara we pick a historical couple

every week and we talk about their relationship and if we would want to be in it or not and like what love means and what love's about

and then we talk about dead people boning a lot that sounds fantastic yeah it's pretty fun get into that it's And then we talk about dead people boning a lot. That sounds fantastic. Yeah, it's pretty fun. Get into that. It's still conference season. I like to watch dead people boning.

You like watching Grateful Dead fans fuck? Yeah. Oh, boy. Roll around in that granola. Old wavy gravy. You smell it before you say it. You ever done some whippets

and then hit it from the back? Yeah. Whippet's probably the funniest sounding drug to me. Whippets? Yeah. Whippets? I think poppers is pretty. Me and my mom got into an argument about poppers once.

It's like you do a pill, like a popper. No. You inhale it, right? Yeah, you sniff it. And then your butthole opens. It feels weird. Really? Yeah.

You've never done poppers? No. I've never done poppers either. It's weird. Really? Yeah. You've never done poppers? No. I've never done poppers either. It's weird. It's not on my outlet. No pun intended. I don't really need my butthole open. Yeah, right?

It's pretty loose already. I don't even know how to explain it, but it's a weird, it's an interesting sensation. I did meth one time. You had to poop immediately. Wow. Immediately. I had a bad cocaine time once, and I had to shit immediately when I was walking out the house to go to a party. Wow. Immediately. I had a bad cocaine time once, and I had to shit immediately when I was walking out the house to go to a party.

Probably. And then I went, tried to poop, couldn't, and then I just watched Paddington while my friend went to a party. Just to bring you down? Yeah. Paddington's a good movie for that. Yeah, I was watching It Follows.

I was like, this won't work. No! No! What a terrible idea! And then I found that I loved Paddington. Paddington got me through a bad cocaine trip. That's sweet, sweet bear. I don't do cocaine anymore.

You got better. Yeah, I got better. Yeah, we're an anti-cocaine podcast. Yeah. We don't need drugs to have a good time, you know. It's true. Just alcohol and weed. We do have to take our clothes off to have a good time.

That is true. Cherry wine? Some cherry wine? A little cherry wine, or we slap each other's naked torsos. With a dead fish. Did that guy die from having sex? Who?

Jermaine Stewart. Who's Jermaine Stewart? We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time. Oh, I don't know. He's the guy who sang that song. He died from fucking? You probably didn't know he was dead. You probably thought he was in the room a second ago.

Yeah, I did. It's not a happy story if I remember right. In fact, I think it's going to depress everybody. Whoa, he's a beautiful man. Yeah. What happened? Not the greatest hair. Not the greatest hair in that video.

Oh, AIDS. Well, that's not. So yeah, technically. Sorry to laugh so hard at AIDS. It was just your reaction. AIDS related liver cancer. Damn. Oh boy.

David. Is that dying so hard for a bucket? Okay, it's not. What? Why'd you bring that up, David? Because you guys were talking about that song.

No, I'm just kidding, dude. I know why you thought it was. So he did have to take his clothes off. He did. Well, he didn't have to. Well, I don't think he sang a song to a woman. I don't think that was the case.

Yeah. Well, that's how the 80s were. You had to sing a song to a woman, but it was really hard, dude. Not anymore. I wonder how many pop songs are written about men that are signed to a woman. Oh, there were tons. Every Wham song.

Every Wham song. Probably like a couple David Bowie songs. Some EJ songs are probably about dudes. Who? EJ. Elton John? Oh, yeah. A lot of them were written by Elton John, though.

Yeah, yeah. As you know. As I look at you, I'm realizing the error in what I said. I did watch Elton John. Turn your mic down a little more. I watched Elton John. I'm chill. I'm pretty calm.

I'm feeling good. I want to find out what rap songs were written about a dude. Oh. When is that going to start happening? When are we going to get- Frank Ocean? Yes. Isn't Frank Ocean? Oh, I guess Frank Ocean. Oh. When is that gonna start happening? When are we gonna get like a version? Isn't Frank Ocean? Oh, I guess Frank Ocean

and Tyler, the creator. Big Dipper, Chicago rapper. There's a song about a boy P word. Shake that boy P word. Oh, yeah, pussy. Yeah, and that is

awesome. I'm familiar with pussy culture. I've heard of such things. It's such a dope video. It's yeah. I mean, it's, it's very misogynistic,

but it's just funny because it's a bunch of dudes. I think we have to start with ass eating gets into the lyrics and then finger up the butt gets into the lyrics. And then eventually it'd be like, ah, I want to fuck a dude. Sure. And we'll finally just talk about shit we've been doing forever. I know. Ass eating is not new. That shit we've been doing forever. I know.

Ass eating is not new. That shit came out forever ago. Never done it. Never? Never. I haven't either. I don't know sex that much.

I'm not against it, you know, but yeah. I just never... Ass eating? Yeah. You just went to the other room.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, never. Never room. Oh, yeah. Yeah, never dove in. But, yeah, what a weird road to go down. Yeah, how did we get here? Eat an ass? Well, you know. I mean, there's only two roads. Yes or no.

Those who don't. And those who do. And those who are alive. Those who are truly alive in this world. Yeah. Eat ass. I was excited to wake up to a bunch of videos on instagram with me nunchucking in the living room last night that was you yeah that's what

bory said this morning he was like oh shit sean was nunchucking every time i love it because like my favorite part about you drunk nunchucking nunchucking is first of all i don't think people realize you're drunk like wait do you actually have nunchucks? You're actively drunk. And you're able to nunchuck with your hat over your face. That's really impressive. It's really impressive. Most people can't chuck a nun at all. You're out here.

You're swaying, kind of. And it's very- Is it in rhythm to the music? Or are you just doing it freestyle? No, just in rhythm to the JMO. it's like it's very is he in rhythm to the music or are you just doing freestyle rhythm to the jmo yeah it's like it's one of the more impressive drunk feats i've ever man i went in the kitchen last night and joey glasses was standing there and there was shit all over the floor and i go hey did you break a glass now i would go it's not a big deal but i need to know if there's glass on the floor if it's just like shit on the floor. And he's just like,

I don't, I don't know. I don't think so. And I go, did you break a glass? He didn't, but it was just like, I just,

all I want to do is clean it up. If you did, that's it. That's all I'm looking to do. I was getting that coffee ready. So sorry for my absence. You got to eat the butt. We're out to none checking now.

I'll get, oh yeah, I'll catch up, but just, uh, you got to at least give it a shot. You never know. What if you love it? I'm not, yeah. You might be really into up. But you got to at least give it a shot. You never know. What if you love it?

I'm not opposed. Yeah, you might be really into it. Yeah, what if you really love it? I probably would. Adam Reroth, friend of the podcast, quoted as saying, when it's on, it's on. When it's on.

And things that might sound gnarly when it's not on, but when it's on, you're like, well, yeah, I'm an animal. And it's all gross anyways. Oh, yeah. That's the right thing.

Oh, it's weird that I licked a butthole. You put your penis in my mouth. It's all gross. I'm going to lick you where you pee. Who cares, dude? Just fucking... Again, when it's on, it's on. The first time I went down on a lady, very smelly.

But by the time I was done, it was all cleared up. Yeah. I'm saying. That's one of the features of it. Once you're done, you just get through it. I'm saying. I'm in. She'd been in the park all day.

Oh, yeah. Sunning. She was doing a slack rope, huh? Bacon. Slack rope. Slack lining. Oh, my God. That's a whole other kettle of fish.

There was this Colonel Summers Park in Portland. There would always be a couple people trying to slack line. Is that the one on Belmont and 20th or something? Yeah. And I know you could make this critique of any leisure activity, but every time I wanted to roll down my window, I'm like, why? What's the ultimate goal?

Like, what are you doing with it? Are you going to tightrope walk? Three seconds. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. I'm doing it. Have you ever seen somebody when they're really good at a slack line?

Yeah. I like it. When they're like bouncing and then flipping. Oh, where they'll do like flips on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of cool. I like that shit. But it's not like French tightrope walking or anything. You're not like, and flipping. Oh, they'll do like flips on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of cool. I like that shit. But it's not like French tightrope walking or anything.

You're not like, and at the circus. He's been practicing in the park all day. I don't want him to maybe die. I just want to see some flips. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. I don't know.

It's fun. Been in some palm trees. Yeah. DJ and Kelly have like a slack line in their backyard. They got a nice throwing station. DJ Kelly has a slack line? I'll believe that. Why don't I call them DJ Kelly? You have to. Yeah. They got a knife throwing station. DJ Cal. I'll believe that. Why don't I call them

DJ Cali? You have to. Yeah. They got a Gucci slack line. Make sure he's eating that pussy then. Yeah. Otherwise,

namesake won't leave. That's fun. They got a knife throwing station. Ooh. Oh, these motherfuckers. So, they sent me a video

of our friend Jeremy with his hands over his eyes and he's kind of crouched a little bit and the video is just that and I'm like, what's going on? And then a knife goes right over his head. No, no of crouched a little bit. And the video is just that. I'm like, what's going on? And then a knife goes right over his head.

No, no, no, no. And I almost called him like, hey, DJ, you fucking idiot, dude. But he did do it. He is good at throwing knives. Yeah. But it's just like, man, how do you think people get those scars

that they talk about at parties? That's how. You're like, yeah, I'd let DJ throw a knife in my face. That's a pretty good I died at story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess how I died. That's how. You're like, yeah, I'd let DJ throw a knife in my face. You could get a pretty good I died at story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess how I died. That's why I wanted to go off the balcony

at the Chateau last night. Oh, that'd be a good one on New Year's Eve? Yeah. Yeah. Fall on top of Scar Jo at the bar? Maybe somebody saw you having a heated argument earlier? Yes, I could do a Natalie Wood thing. Yeah.

I bet that was a trip, being I was there once, and it was like, you feel cool yeah it's just a fun like holy buckets here I am

at the Chateau I mostly felt cool because there's so many beautiful gay men around sure that makes you feel very cool do you have to like

check in too they have to like check your ID and everything before you can even get in no we just were like we're going to this room

that was just you yeah really you definitely don't I was with the beautiful Solomon Giorgio so we just breezed past security because everyone knows he's going somewhere. Yeah.

God, Solomon fucking rules. Yeah, he's the best. He really is the best. You know what I'd like to do? What do you like to do? Just travel back to a time when... Uh-huh. Oh, man.

When we started this podcast. Atta boy. No, keep going. Trying to incorporate... Okay, yeah. No, keep going. Trying to incorporate... Okay, yeah. I'll keep pushing. Just stay on your feet. Before we knew,

what a wonderful fun time it would turn into. Stay the course. You've done this every day of your life. And we have so many wonderful guests on the podcast. I've been a couple of times. The aforementioned Solomon Georgiou.

Hit the stride. So I'd love to go back to a time when I started to look forward to that doing it for the first time but I'll take this experience I don't know every time and I'll tell you what's going to be

more fun than Solomon Georgiou's first podcast what's that? Solomon Georgiou's next podcast but that won't even be half as fun as what we're doing today which is drafting moments in time you'd want to travel back to But that won't even be half as fun as what we're doing today. Sure, what are we doing today? Which is drafting moments in time you'd want to travel back to.

Ten points for Gryffindor! Got it! My man nailed it! And this is the Patreon choice. This is the second Patreon. Voters voted on this. And I've actually kind of always wanted to do it. This is a fun one.

It's a question I ask at parties a bunch. It's a little easier for us as white men. A lot. Yeah. I'm going to, most of mine's avoiding rape

is my goal. I think in this one, we, the condition is we return to this time as an amorphous blob and capable of being harmed. Wait, no.

I got it. No, no, no. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I got to be me I get it no I definitely have

some ones that are predicated on me bro me dog I was just in Montgomery where the worst shit in this country

has happened it was fucking gnarly did you learn some stuff Sean you know I figured I'd bring it down real quick yeah let's let's talk about Southern history

just the it was so so gnarly. That and then driving in Glendale. Those are the two worst things. Those are the two big ones. Yeah. Now, the way we do... How does it work?

Determine the order of the draft. You're going to get it. You're going to get it. I love that potion is showing. Man, I am rusty. I am rusty. I haven't had that coffee yet. It's steeping, the coffee.

If you smell that at home, that is coffee steeping. Should I push? Do you want me to push while you're discussing how the order works? We determine the order of the draft with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. What kind of draft is it? Oh, that's a great question. It's a serpentine draft. What does that mean?

That's a great question. Well, I'll tell you what. Let's say, a lot of these are drinking related, I realize. But let's say that you're in the kitchen last night, and there's a great question. Well, I'll tell you what. Let's say, a lot of these are drinking related, I realize. But let's say that you're in the kitchen last night, and there's a bottle of Jameson and a capless bottle of Bacardi. And they're both sitting there. Where is that cap? And you take a drink of the Jameson.

You're like, that's pretty good. But I haven't been in high school for like 20 years. I wonder what that Bacardi tastes like. So you take a drink of the Bacardi, and then you set it down. You're like, man, that's just as gross as I remember it being. I kind of want to take a drink of that Jameson. But before you do that, you're like, was the Bacardi really that gross? So you take another drink, and you're like, man, that's just as gross as I remember it being. I kind of want to take a drink of that Jameson. But before you do that, you're like, was the Bacardi really that gross? So you take another drink, and you're like, yeah, it was that gross.

So you go back, you take a drink of the Jameson, and you're like, all right, I'm an adult. But then you're like, I kind of want to go back to high school again. It was fun. Before you take another drink of the Bacardi, though, another shot of Jameson, just to kind of wash down the Bacardi. So you just kind of do that. Or, basically, that's great. Yeah, that's exactly how it works. Or if you pick fourth in the first round, you or like basically that's great yeah that's exactly

how it works or if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round it's one way of saying it I mean you want to live your life that way sure

yeah that's another way to do it that's another way to do it now the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rock game of rock paper scissors rock paper scissors

played between the three of you we throw and shoot first one of the new year here we go rock paper scissors shoot David Bowie wins what a prick I couldn't We throw and shoot. First one of the new year. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David Boy wins. What a prick.

You're not a prick. I love you so much. I ain't going nowhere. He ain't. Real fucking good. Rock, paper, scissors. Because I'm a bad boy for life. Okay, so you want hot corners.

I love the hot corners. I mean, if you'll give them to me, I'll take them. You know what we're doing. You know what we're doing. David, one. Sean, two. Jane, three. Ian, four.

Yeah, hot corner. I fucked up on this coffee. Hot corner. Jane, thank you so much. You couldn't fuck up. You're a guest. We love having you there. Love to serve.

We're about to be slightly more caffeinated, which is beautiful for everyone. I'm thinking about, it's not going to happen, but I had the crazy idea of like, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. That's crazy. Yeah, it is.

Why would you say that? I don't know, people say caffeine and sugar is so bad for you. Of all the things I'm not drinking. What do you mean? After that Bacardi Jameson? You feel like having Irish coffee

is like, do you know what the problem with Irish coffee is? No, I'm just going to drink Bacardi in the morning. I'm just going to get a cup of Irish. Just go full. I'm going to get a cup of Irish though. I'm just going to drink a 20 ounce of Bacardi

every morning. David, you've got the first pick. Now, before we get to that first pick, let's take a short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing. Just go to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, you figure it out from there.

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it's time for your first pick in the times you'd want to time travel back to all fantasy, everything fantasy draft. You were on the clock. So I wasn't sure. I thought it was like somebody was saying for an hour. So that's kind of the way I based mine. Sure.

But I want to go to day one. Day one. Whatever the first day was. First time this motherfucker. First time. Like the day after the Big Bang. Okay. Whatever you think it is.

The beginning of time. Whatever the beginning is. So would you be floating in space then? Would you be like, do you think, like, on a piece of rock? Yeah, I imagine I have some sort of self-contained energy source. Like a time travel bubble. Yeah, yeah, that I'm hurtling over looking at everything. Is this the first day of

Earth or like the first day of existence? Oh, Earth. So you're on Earth. Earth is a planet. Earth is a planet. Because I figure that's when I'll learn who did it. If it's the first day of existence? Oh, Earth. So you're on Earth. Earth is a planet. Because I figure that's when I'll learn who did it. If it's the first day, God will be around making shit. You want to stare into the eyes of God? Okay, the God of Abraham was real or whatever. You know what I mean? God's just walking through with a bunch of people

with helmets on, like pointing at stuff. Like that needs to be more of an isthmus. And they're like, God, it's already. Perfect. What do you think the first day was? I have no idea. I'm going to have a panic attack if I think about it too hard. Oh, yeah.

It really freaks me out. I have no idea. I don't know what it would look like. I don't know what creatures would be. Because we don't know. That's what I'm saying. You go to day one, answer a lot of questions about the present. Do you want to know those answers?

I don't know that I would necessarily want to know. When I think about that, should I start to wig out? Day one, you know what day one was? I feel excited. You don't believe that I would necessarily want to know. When I think about that shit, I start to wig out. Day one, you know what day one was? I feel like something that's like- You don't believe in religion? No. The majority of the world is into it? You think it's bullshit?

Yeah. That's all right. Well, not bullshit in general, but are we going to- You think all- If I think about this stuff too hard, I have to put on Modern Family to calm down or something. Something where I'm just like- Something nice and neutral. Yeah.

I remember thinking about that as a sleepover at Julian Kongsley's house. And he was a real smart kid. He ended up going to MIT. We were laying on the floor talking about outer space and everything. And the thought occurred to me, everything ends, but outer space can't end. But then there's something after the end. What's after that? What was before it.

Yeah. See, I'm honestly not freaking out a little bit. I dissociated from my body once in an elementary school bathroom, staring into the mirror. Did you? Yeah. Being like,

if I'm not me, who am? And then I like was like part of the universe. And then I've never gotten back to that place. Wow. I would love to do that. Shit's wild, man.

It really. Yeah. You go back to day place. Wow. I would love to do that. Shit's wild, man. It really... Yeah. You go back to day one. Day one. There's volcanoes going off and shit, I bet. So Earth specifically, not Big Bang.

Yeah, Earth specifically. Not day one of existence. Well, okay. So that, see, this is where I get more freaked out because I'm like, yeah, before there was something, there was nothing,

but that nothing is something. So there's always been something, even if it was just a blank void. It's probably just beyond the perception of your tiny human mind. Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna start crying. What helps me with the existential dread is like

a computer works, and humans know how a computer works, but if an ant sees a computer, it's just like it has no way to even begin. It doesn't know how to access its Hotmail at all. It doesn't know how to email SeanJordan187 at gmail.com. Gmail's not going to stick, first of all. Gmail's going to die.

It's on its way out. A Hotmail, you know, I'll be hanging on to my Hotmail. Shane's still got a Yahoo account like an asshole. Shane Torres comedy at Yahoo or something like that. His is at Yahoo. Shane still got a Yahoo account like an asshole. Shane Torres comedy at Yahoo or something like that. His is at Yahoo. He's a real Yahoo.

Yahoo. Sean, what if you go- Oh, that's not fair. How dare you? I'm nothing but nasty, y'all. And every week- He says he's nice. He's never nice.

He's never nice. He's always mean in a charming way. You're going to get two scoops of sass when you get back to New York. Oh God, it's going to be so unfair. He says the same thing about us. Everyone, thanks you guys are so nice and then you're such a shithead to me. You're both shitheads to each other that's friendship. There it is.

And you know you love each other in your heart. You can say whatever you want i'd do anything for the kid yeah but he's the best guy i know i do i'd even clean burrito way up off the top of the wall that he somehow got does he say that didn't happen he said that didn't happen and he says he made contact on one of those 30 when he went to the batting cage no he didn't no he whiffed 30 straight times and he also says he didn't do his dirty laundry at a wedding. And he did. He brought dirty laundry from New York to Vermont and did it. He says that he didn't. He fucking did.

I was there. I went to Old Navy and bought khakis. Because I just throw myself under the bus a little bit. Sure. I was going to wear jeans to this wedding because they said it was casual. And then you learned that's the wrong move. Before, I was like, so it's casual. It's cool if I wear jeans, right?

And Greg and his mom both are like, well, no. It's not casual. That's trash. Yeah. We didn't say it was a trashy wedding. We said it was casual. Fuck. You don't have to wear it.

It's still a wedding. It's casual for a wedding. Yeah. It's nice if they told you, though. You don't want to be the only dude in jeans at that point. Yeah. That would be awful. I was like, okay, well, let's.

It's a good thing. Shane brought us dirty laundry. It makes you look much better by comparison. I got friends that'll still wear shorts to weddings and that's a bit much for me. Okay. Decent looking shorts, but you can't, you can't look nice.

Like a wedding. Nice in shorts. You can't. Unless you're Hawaiian. Oh, sure. If it's a theme, if it's a, sure. If it's a theme, like a wedding nice in shorts. You can't. Unless you're Hawaiian. Oh, sure. If it's a theme, like a beach theme or whatever, in a church,

beach theme wedding. There's sand down the aisle. Just throw in sand like Bloodsport, just in everyone's eyes. Pumate. Sean Jordan, it's time for your first pick. David's coming to day one. There's not a lot to talk about because it's day one.

Exactly. I'm going a lot to talk about because it's day one. It's a semi-agenda. I'm going fairly close to that. I'm going to pick the day that the meteor hit. Day two, bro. He's pricing right me. You're pricing right me right now? You're going to barf on me? I'm picking the day the meteor hit that killed all the dinosaurs. Wow. Scary day.

You get to see dinosaurs. You get to see dinosaurs. Easy. You get to see an. You want to see a bunch of stuff die? You get to see dinosaurs, easy. Ah, what? You get to see an amazing gnarly explosion that no one's ever going to, nobody even knows if it happens. So theoretically, this is what I want to go see. But yeah, just be.

Is this in the protective bubble again? Yeah, yeah. Or I die in the explosion. Time travel, fucking die. Yeah, but it's still, it's just, seeing dinosaurs would just be amazing. And that's, you know, this kind of got me, I kind of got two things out of this. Cause like I'm standing there, I get to see this meteor hit, but I'm also looking at dinosaurs. Watch from the dinosaurs when it happens.

And you get to see a meteor like screeching through the air, like coming at earth. That'd be fucking gnarly. In this scenario, you're not scared cause this is fake. So it's like, you're just looking at it like, buckets that's cool i just i it'd be amazing and then you get to see like because you hear stories about like what happens like what would happen if a meteor hit the earth you're like no way probably it probably would do all the things they say bruce willis going up the spaceship i wouldn't hit the oil rangers they actually made a documentary about it with bruceis. It's called Deep Impact.

Roughnecks. They were. Roughnecks, right? They were roughnecks. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be damned if my little girl is going to marry a roughneck. A roughneck.

Oh, boy. And then he looked and he's like, wait, you're Ben Affleck. Awesome. Yeah, you're gorgeous. For now. Fabulous. I kind of like that. You guys look like a dragon tattoo.

Do you like Ben Affleck? I like Dan Affleck a little bit. Man, with that big ass back tattoo? No, not that part. You love the back tattoo. I wouldn't look at his back so much. What? Wait, what?

Does he really have a back tattoo? Ben Affleck has a big back tattoo. Check out his ink. It's a phoenix. It's awful. No way. It's so bad. Look at the printout.

You would call it ink. You know what I mean? It is massive. Check his ink. As far as a midlife crisis goes you can get a Mustang and get rid of it he looks like a back tattoo I'm gonna look it up right now but real quick shout out to

Daniel Bayot new $20 patron oh hell yeah shout out shout out his back tattoo looks like he's leasing a jet ski he's getting a new sebring for the summer his back tattoo looks like he sells dime bags. Still sells dimes in California.

What do you mean it's full of twigs? He's lost a lot of money betting MMA. That's the kind of back tattoo it is. He's trying to sell Will Butrin like it's a street junk. He's still really good friends with Tank Abbott. They go to lunch once a month. His blood type is typo negative, but not the blood, the band.

His blood type is Athens Park. Yeah. He refuses to buy a new fridge. He just keeps fixing his, you know? That wasn't that funny. That wasn't that funny. I like that one. That's all right.

I got lost in the tattoo. It looks like he's a transformer that turns into a Camaro. Like it's that kind of tattoo. That tattoo is crazy, dude. It's too much color. Like you got to... It's not even like a Japanese full body one or something. No, it's like some weird...

It's just a drawing of a phoenix. He's got shoulder tattoos too. Yeah, get well soon, Ben Affleck. Meteor hits the Earth. So you're getting Independence Day and Jurassic Park in the same day. Deep impact. It would just be amazing to see. The rest of them are going to be a little more for me,

but that one, I was like, yeah, that's what I want to see. So the confused look in all of these beasts' eyes as they try to comprehend their own mortality and the ending of all existence, That wouldn't bum you out? You could also just go to a wildfire and do that. You see all the bunnies running out. It would bum me out, yeah. I'd be upset.

Would you say like goodbye my friends and then like watch us? Would you sing that Vitamin C song? As we go on. I'd sing Life Goes On by Tupac. In my lift last night, they were playing A Time of Your Life, that fucking...

Green Day song? Yeah, the Green Day song. And it was right after midnight. And I'm like, what radio station is playing this shit? Like at 1230, New Year's Day.

That's definitely a... That was everybody's graduation song. What came out the year I graduated, that was like... Oh, really? That vitamin C, I believe they came out in the same year,

but Joey's... No, that vitamin C was later. Joey's dad made a graduation video and we had the Green Day song. Wow. Yeah. Banana. Okay, my fucking... One of my best friend's dads made the video.

I'm in there once. One time I'm in this video. I mean, how often were you in school? Oh, it was pictures from... I did start skipping when I was a senior. Yeah, me too, dude. I never went to school. No way.

Dude, at graduation, these two girls said, we thought you didn't go to school with us anymore. I was like, yeah, because I'm out of town being cool, Tripp. See you later. My ambitions have grown larger than Elizabeth, Colorado. Yeah, far larger. Taking my talents to Aurora. We would just go sit at my friend Alan's crib

and a couple times I'm like, what are we doing? You know, this is boring. I'd almost rather be in school. Looking back, definitely would have rather been in school. At least it's interesting, you know? But yeah, we'd just sit in Alan's room

and then go back to say peace to everyone after school and like get our rides from our parents. So you'd still end up at school at the end of the day. We'd just go back. You might as well just sit through it. All the time. Did you ever go to, I never did this, I went to school stoned twice. Did you ever go to school drunk?

Okay, so senior. Our kids would do that and I'm like, you. I was cool enough for it. I never did it, no way. Senior year, we threw a party because we were like Sunday night before, it was spring break senior year and it was the Sunday night before we went back and me and some dudes were like it's our last spring break let's get all drunk

you and some guys from school yeah me and Schroeder me and Schroeder and Thugla Sainz shout out to Fresh what'd you say Thugla it doesn't matter the point is we got all drunk and the next day we went to school and we stopped drinking at like 4am and we still went to school, and we stopped drinking at like 4 a.m.

Yeah. And we still went to school because you're 17. That's like Varsity Blues, dude. Yeah, but they made Robbie go home because the teacher was like, I know you're not drunk right now, maybe, but you smell like whiskey and you have to go home. I've done that. I didn't get popped, though. I went to school all day.

Before, where I'm like, man, I shouldn't be at work right now. Because you reek of it. Oh, yeah. I've had that before. Yeah. Who's going to open up the Conoco? So, yeah, the day the meteor hits the earth. And kills all the dinosaurs.

Perfect. Love it. Perfect pick. Jane, it's time for your first pick. Okay. Well, it's complicated as a woman traveling through history. So, I think I'm going to go to an era where the ignorance actually benefited women. I'm going to 1880s Victorian London.

Ooh! Really? Where women were prescribed with hysteria constantly, and the only solution that they discovered, doctors found out, was to create a weird machine that they would then put on their vaginas. What? And relieve their hysteria. Really? By, yeah. They didn't do the vibrator.

Yeah. Wow. And it was a doctoral procedure. Seriously, I had no idea. So you could just go, like, because I could definitely pay somebody to give me a little now somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not into that, but if it's a doctor and they don't know, I would love to pull one over. Doctor, I'm crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not into that, but if it's a doctor and they don't know, I would love to pull one over. Doctor, I'm crazy.

Yeah, I'm so crazy. And they were like, oh, these women are terrible. We must fix them, but it was really just them jerking them off and hurting their hands and stuff. That is wild.

Because they found, first they were just doing it by hand and then they invented the vibrator. Manually relieving? Yeah. They were just giving them a little clit rub. My son went to Oxford for eight years. My son's an Oxford boy.

All these diddling duchesses down off of Beale Street. He went to Eton and then Oxford. He's a professional diddler. A duchess diddler. What? Were they being slick? Or was everyone like, oh yeah, it's a medical thing?

Or were they really like, it's a medical thing? I think guys, I think male doctors were just so fucking, they just didn't think that women had pleasure at all. Yeah. So they were like, okay, well this seems to fix their crazies.

But it's really just like their lives suck because they're women in the 1800s. Right. You're like a veal cow, basically. Yeah. You're just supposed to sit there and get fucked. But no one ever wants your vagina to do well. Did anybody's life not suck besides royalty in the 1800s? No.

Everybody's life was garbage. Everybody's life. It just seems like real miserable. Yeah, what did you take pleasure in? To be fair, our lives can be pretty miserable now. Other than having a doctor beat you up. That's true. I feel like being alive is miserable. Is that right?

No. Not always. Compared to what? Life is pain. Compared to what? What are you talking about? Not being alive, yeah. Compared to day one, bro.

Yeah, day one, nothing. I'll tell you when I get back. Life, yeah, I mean, you're still? Not being alive. Yeah. Compared to day one, bro. Yeah. Day one, nothing. I'll tell you when I get back. Life, yeah. I mean, you're still capable of misery now. I guess it's nice that you didn't know any better. But also, I feel like a lot of people died from the flu back then. Yeah. You know, yeah.

That'd be pretty bad. Or just a lot of people just shit themselves to death. Everybody was just dead. Like all of your brothers and sisters died. Yeah. Like there's death everywhere and you just got used to it. What happened? He drank the wrong water. He's done. We didn't know. The well went bad. Yeah. Like, there's death everywhere, and you just got used to it. What happened? He drank the wrong water.

He's done. We didn't know. The well went bad. Yeah, the well went, and there was no way to know. He had a handful of the incorrect berries. And now no one else will do that, but he did. He did it. Yeah.

We all learned for a little while. Tell everyone not to eat those little red ones. Yeah, exactly. They can roll the dice on any other ones because we don't know yet. We don't know yet either. Yeah. Is that a poison snake? It was just such a nice workaround for them to think that they were treating women when

they were actually just jerking them off. They were finally coming for the first time. Yeah. And they were like, hmm, because they were so dumb about it. I wouldn't tell either. I'd be like, I'm, yeah. Yeah. I'm like, this is going great.

Ooh, I do feel bad. I feel less hysteric. It's like when they were giving heroin and fur. Laudanum. Laudanum. Yeah. They're like, they were giving like heroin and like, like for. Laudanum. Laudanum. Yeah. They're like, this is medicine.

You're like, okay. I looked up what Laudanum was the other day. It's, it's crazy. It's opiates, right? Yeah,

it's opiates. But it's like all of them. Yeah. Mixed together. And the doctors are like, that'll, that'll do you. Yeah.

I don't know. This will cure what ails you. What's going on? It's like Bayer, like made heroin first. Like that was Bayer's first medical product. So I would just be getting some heroin and then paying a doctor to jerk me off.

Wow. That sounds dope. That's a fucking winning pick. Yeah, that's a day. That's a fucking day right there. Yeah, I gotta get some rounds for this lady part of this challenge. Lady part specific.

Yeah. All right, time for my first pick. What you get? specific. Yeah. Alright, time for my first pick. What you get? Ooh. Alright, I'm gonna take, wait, can we effect change or can we just go watch it? I don't know what you mean. It's open. I'm going back and I'm killing

Hitler. I know it's a hacky pick. No, it's fine. Come on. You're Jewish. You get to pick that one. I'm doing it. I'm going to go strangle baby Hitler to death and I don't care. I don't care if people look at me askance. Because I'm just strangling a that one. I'm doing it. I'm going down. I'm going to go strangle baby Hitler to death. And I don't care. I don't care if people look at me askance. Because I'm just strangling a baby. But I'm doing it. Especially if you can get in and out.

Yeah. I feel like you're going to hold him up, too. Yeah. Like, look at me. I would walk in. I also feel like there might be a faster way to do it than strangle. No. No, you want it.

Well, man. You're a big guy. Do you think you would have to, like, would you have to, like, get some Indian ink and just put the mustache on him so it, like, it feels right? I think I would. I think I would have to like, would you have to like get some Indian ink and just put the mustache on him? So it like, it feels right. I think I would. I think I would.

Yeah. I'd have to put a little Hitler mustache on this baby. Yeah. And they're like, why didn't he put ink on it? It's like a mystery throughout Germany. He marked it. And because I'm Jewish,

I would dress like a priest when I did it. So they wouldn't, it wouldn't kick off the Holocaust in a different way. They would be too dumb. They were like, he dressed like a priest. He must have been a priest. Otherwise it'd be like, these Jews are strangling babies to death.

I never thought about that. That's how the Holocaust would start. You could, in all fairness, you could just kill his dad. Oh, I could kill his dad before he conceived. No, I gotta get, it's not his dad's fault. I'm killing that baby. Just kill the baby. You just walk in and throw a Jimmy on his dad. fault. I'm killing the baby. Just kill the baby. You just walk in and throw a Jimmy on his dad?

I mean, his dad had a few snide comments that helped him a lot. He probably did. His dad was probably not a great guy. I have no idea because I hear this, but I've never followed up on it. He was Jewish.

Or his mom was Jewish? It wouldn't have been his mom because then he would have been Jewish. I think somewhere up the ladder. Okay, so he wasn't because I thought that that was the whole... He was a self-hating Jew. It was our glowing dirty blood.

Go back to that for a second. Huh? It's matrilineal. Mom is Jewish. Passed through the mother. I don't know what, oh, well. Because it's a people and not, it's like both. Okay.

Humble, yeah. All right, I didn't know that. And a new matrilineal, what'd you say? Matrilineal. Nice. Look at me over here. Learning. Skipping a few less.

I was at school those days, bro. 48, still learning. You weren't sitting there. I could tell you what color Alan's hair was. I don't know what the perfect age to kill Hitler was, because what if he gets squirrely and can run away from me, you know? That's why I don't want to wait until he's like 12. And then he's just terrified of big Jews.

Yeah, right, exactly. He was dressed as a priest, but I knew he was a Jew. Then the Holocaust is worse somehow, because I'm like, oy ve Yeah, right, exactly. He was dressed as a priest, but I knew he was a Jew. Then the Holocaust is worse somehow, because I'm like, oy vey, this fucking baby. I'm schmitzing over here trying to catch this baby. Ay yi yi. Okay, so my first pick, I'm taking Killing Hitler. Sure.

Okay. In the pocket. Don't you do it. Don't do it. Don like it it's gross stop it stop man we're not joking it's so bad it feels so bad it feels bad on my skin it's like the opposite of asmr it's a bummer it's a bummer to do it's BSMO what it is just so you don't do it again I'm going to do my next pick stop it I didn't even do it

I can't even have my eyes all the way open when you say it I'm going to go to this was a really recent one but I missed it and it's a crazy look at all of history and be like, this is what I want to go. But I would go to the last LCD Sound System concert when they thought it was going to be the last one.

The one in Madison Square Garden? At Madison Square Garden. That four-hour long concert, I think it would have been so fun to go. It would have been such a rad vibe in there. I got into LCD. You went here. I've been several times now. At the Bowl, right?

Since they've been back. I went to the ball they were at the palladium i saw them there but uh i got into them through that documentary yeah about that last concert and i was like oh fuck you know because i thought i was never gonna get to see them live yeah but it would be amazing to be in that room they played like all their songs it would be so fucking rad yeah uh plus, Aziz Ansari would have been there, you know, before he was all creepy. Crowd surfing. No, but it would have just been fucking amazing.

I think it would have been awesome. Yeah. Because they announced it was going to be their last show. Mm-hmm. Just the energy in that room would have been so tight. Yeah. I think it would have been a really fun night. I just want to go to Madison Square Garden, honestly.

I've never been there. I've been there. For the Grammys. That seems sick. Well, you went to Dane Cook, right? I was at the Dane Cook in the round. Vicious circle. Vicious circle.

No, I ain't going to see Dane Cook. I was there for the Grammys last year. I used to, I worked by there. I worked on 34th Street. Oh, yeah. And I would walk by Madison Square Garden every morning to get to get to my office and like every every month there'd be a huge loadout of like roadies and stuff and i would look it up every month and it was the billy joel monthly concert oh really he played once a month

oh that's right he was in residency there right it was fucking tight i was like man people i love billy joel i love billy joel too one of the best times i ever had concert at AT&T Park super drunk with my friend Ivy McNally in the fucking nosebleeds still like, yay! Piano man! He played piano!

That's my favorite one! He's a piano man! He's the piano man! Screaming with old people billy joel fucking sounds like a carnival one two one two three four i thought billy joel was here i thought he was here yeah you love that song i love that fucking song uh jane it's time for your what and tell her about it go ahead those are my two favorites j's time for your... And tell her about it. Go ahead. Those are my two favorites. Jane, time for your second pick. I'm gonna go

to 1951 USSR, and I'm gonna watch the Globetrotters play in Russia. Whoa! I didn't even know that happened. Yeah, there was a lot of Russian propaganda, and the US was like, fuck that shit.

We're going to send the Harlem Globetrotters over. Whoa! We're going to show you we're real. We're all real. Well, it's a little fucked up, because the USSR was like, part of their anti-Americanism was about how black people were super oppressed.

Oh, yeah. And so they sent the Globetrotters over to be like, no, no, no, they're rich and educated. They're rich and educated. They're basketball magicians. All they do is whisper sweet joys around. Make basketballs disappear. Get the shit out of this white team. I saw them once and the generals were like hella white.

Oh yeah, it's a bunch of like Luke Ridenour types. But I was like definitely not mad at it. But I love the Globetrotters. I miss seeing them once because I went to Girl Scout camp and I regretted it. And I would love to see them. I would love to see them in the 50s

before they started getting, the players started getting drafted into the NBA. And I feel like, also what happened was people didn't understand in the USR that it was a joke and that it's like fun.

And they were just like confused by all the trickery. What wizardry is this? But the third day, they were all like laughing and cheering. They finally got it. But all these like cold Soviet Russians just like, what are they doing with the bulbs? Why is he putting it under his legs? Why does Lark Meddle Limb

dribble like such? A clown prince of basketball. You probably thought Vladimir Putin? Sure. That was probably him. You probably thought the famed author Nabokov was in here.

You probably thought Ivan Drago was in here. Who? Ivan Drago. Ivan Drago, yeah. He's back now. Is that who you're talking about? I saw him. Is it Vladimir Nabokov?

I don't know. The guy who wrote Lolita. It probably is Vladimir. They only have like four first names over there. I don't read. We're bringing anti-Russian sentiment back on AFB, by the way. Yeah, we've been doing it for years now. No, man.

No way. One of my good friends is Russian and it's hard to... Wait, wait, wait. You sound like a communist. Yeah, I want to know. Wait a minute, are you Russian? I want to know. I had a big thing in college.

What are you, Hyden Ivan? Can't talk about it. Yeah, you wear a lot of red. Can't talk... I'm from Bompton, dude. You didn't know? I didn't. I thought you were a crip.

I do a lot of things in my spare time. Damn, you just sold out. You just sold out Sioux Falls and crips. One statement. I've been known to move and shake. Is this your king? Good luck getting that school named after you now. I think that I could get something named after me in Sioux Falls. Yeah, a law.

You are like the only... Sean Jordan's law. The Sean Jordan Act. Oh, man. It's force-feeding people act right when they're drinking. Yeah, dude, gallons upon gallons. And I get to open the Act Right store. Dan Act Right. The Globetrotter.

Will Chamberlain was a Globetrotter for a minute. Did not know that. Also a real son of a bitch. Real son of a bitch. I bet he was a bad dude. What did he say? Is he the one who fucked a lot of people? 10,000 people he says.

Yeah, 10,000 people. I was watching the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar documentary. Oh man, that guy's the best. He fucking hated Will, because Will tried to be like, you know, like, hey, other giant man. Yeah.

Lou Alcindor at the time. Lou Alcindor, yeah. And yeah, he hates him. He hates Wilt Chamberlain. Wow. I loved Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but he kind of is a bit of a stick up the butt kind of guy. Oh, yeah. He's definitely a stick up the butt.

Upright, you know. Veronica Mars writer, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I fucking love it. He's writing on Veronica Mars. He was pretty cool back in the day, though. He was from, I don't know. He's from New York City, right? Yeah, but he would go to Harlem just to hang out

because he's like, I got to be around people. Anyways. Lou Elcinder. Lou Elcinder. Sean Jordan. I'm going to go to the, my second pick is going to be in the Coliseum about 70 AD, and I'm going to watch

some Gladiators wow that's a good one Spaniard Spaniard Spaniard I've always been fascinated with

just that spectacle like they're killing each other and children everybody that was just like the thing to do

and just to be there and be like holy crap they really did this can we go see the man get eaten by the lion it's insane to be there and be like, holy crap, they really did this. Mommy, can we go see the man get eaten by the lion? It's insane to think about.

And also, just the, I don't know, just that time where there's nothing. It's just people. There's no technology whatsoever.

It's huge. Yeah, such a grand thing and it's work, like functioning would be a trip to see the Coliseum. I think it's just

seeing how aqueducts were working. And it's full working form and the technology a trip to see the Coliseum. Oh, and all the trap doors were working. Yeah, in its full working form and the technology that they did have where you're like, look at these smart motherfuckers.

They filled it with water ones and had a naval battle in it. Yeah. I would love to just see the aqueducts working. They'd be like, okay, we're going to build

a big ass bridge, come from the mountain, water in the city. Boom, boom, boom. It's amazing and it fucking worked.

And then just to see like, you know, Julius Caesar sitting up there like, whoa. Yeah. And the city. Boom, boom, boom. It's amazing and it fucking worked. Yeah. And then just to see like, you know, Julius Caesar sitting up there like, whoa. Yeah. And the boys. Oh, it'd just be a trip to see.

70 AD. AD. 70 AD is what it said on the internet. That's when like it was popping. Caesar died before Jesus. Sorry. Well, not Caesar. We're like Caligula or whoever was doing it. Yeah, whatever the fuck. Whatever's when it was popping. Caesar died before Jesus. Sorry.

Well, not Caesar. We're like Caligula or whoever was doing it. Yeah, whatever the fuck. Caligula. Yeah, whatever lunatic was out there being like, everybody kill each other. For me. I'm bored.

Murder until these grapes are gone. When the grapes are gone, then you may live. There's like the 50th dude line, like, there's so many grapes. So many grapes. We're all going to die. And then one guy, a fucking server comes out with another plane. Oh, more grapes.

And also to see, like, did they really have those huge feathers that were fanning people? Probably, yeah. Well, it'd be a trip. I bet like some of them had like fans that were up, you know, like, oh, I love this guy. I sound like a weirdo because both these pics have been like

a lot of death. A lot of death, yeah. Yeah, you do. It's just more of how fascinating it would be to see that functioning in the world. Oh, Jophiel. Yeah, man, I'm not worried. Thank you, guys.

Yeah, it would be like before law, the current laws, just living in a different system of laws where it's like, oh, we can just kill people for fun. And it's like, I wonder what that's like. Yeah. It'd just be fun to hear the accent, hear how the language was used, all that stuff. You'd just be like, well, look at this.

Probably sound nothing like you would think it would. Yeah, I bet. And also to see. They sang everything back then. See how everybody looks, too. Yeah, it was a musical. They sang everything. Yeah, I bet everybody was so, a bunch of Chris Pauls walking around.

Just everyone's so ugly, I bet. I will put this phone up your ass. Stop. You hear how he just talks? A bunch of goddamn Chris Pauls walking around. Quadruple downing on a bad opinion. Yeah. Just back up in it.

He's a handsome guy. It's crazy to think anything else. It's more of a bit now, but it's... Yeah. It's a handsome guy. It's crazy to think anything else. It's more of a bit now. Yeah. It's a bit much. I still don't think he's attractive. But it's neither here nor there. The Coliseum, that's my second pick.

All right. David Borten for your second and then third picks as it is. Serpentine Draft. Okay. I'm going to go early. I'm going to go Harlem, 1942, 1943. They can't really peg it down. Sure.

Jimmy's Chicken Shack, where they had two dishwashers, one named John Sanford, another one named Malcolm Little, who grew up to be Red Fox and Malcolm X. What? What? Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah, you didn't know?

Yeah. No. That's so gnarly. And reportedly, they used to work there together and then they also used to sell zoot suits on this roof that they also used to sleep on sometimes i didn't know that go back in town and i would buy one of those suits what the fuck like a red fox or malcolm x it wouldn't no they would did it together you know i know yeah me knowing who i am and knowing who they are and being able to be like. They don't know who they are yet.

Because I've always wanted to see. I always, man, I've always wanted to see what Malcolm X was like when he was really going. Sure. Because like in Red Fox's book, he talks about how like Malcolm X was even, would even do crazier shit than he would. Because Red Fox still would like, he was like, oh, I could go do standup and then like get a girl and do that. But he was like, he didn't have, Malcolm didn't have any fuck, he didn't have any resume, he didn't have any show business to stay good for. So what was he doing?

All kinds of shit, man. Read that book. I will read that book. Yeah, I want to go to that. And it's just like, Harlem in the early 40s. You know what I mean? Anyways, it's incredible. Honestly, that's enough.

That would just be so cool to see. Like, Harlem Nights style, where you're like, god damn, hell yeah, dude. And just to see those dudes, because I'm always like, you know, if you're a fuck up, you don't really think that shit could get better. But then you see these two dudes who were this at this one time. And that's a big part of it. How do you think the banter was? Bad men.

That would be a good odd couple series, is Red Fox. I don't think they were. No, they were super alike, though. Yeah. Because Red Fox was Detroit Red right and then Malcolm was Cincinnati Red or something like that but they both had red hair and they were like super wavy

that's why they got together because they were like pretty similar dudes but yeah I would man it'd be great that'd be it's crazy to think they were dishwashers

yeah they were super broke. And then like Red Foxes, they'd sleep on newspapers on this roof sometimes. So they were just struggling. Yeah. And moving zoot suits. Yeah, moving and selling zoot suits. Also, chicken.

Also, yeah, there would be food there as well. I wouldn't even... Was Jimmy's Chicken Shack an actual chicken place? Yeah, I'm sure it was. Yeah. It could have been like a nightclub or something. Oh, come on down to Jimmy's Chicken Shack. I think it was just a place to eat chicken.

Like in the color purple, like that club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Harlem, Jimmy Chicken Shack, Red Fox, Malcolm X. That's wild. I didn't know about that. That is wild.

It's fun when you find out. The extremely white version of that Red Fox, Malcolm X. That's wild. I didn't know about that. That is wild. It's fun when you find out. The extremely white version of that is how Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were roommates in college. That's the opposite. It doesn't get whiter than that. Maybe they were doing cool stuff together. Wait, what college was it?

It was like somewhere good, too. It was Harvard, right? No. It was Harvard. I'm pretty sure because, yeah, Tommy Lee Jones played football for them, right? Oh, yeah. And they have that documentary. That is hilarious.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He went to Harvard. Wow. Oh, my God. Yep. That's fun.

But anyways, that's my second pick. Okay. Okay. My third pick, June 29th, 1958. My third pick, June 29th, 1958. I would like to be in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, for the final of the Sweden-Brazil World Cup, where a 16-year-old Edson Arantes de Nascimento,

a.k.a. Pele, won the World Cup using his ginga style that had been disgraced four years earlier. That'd be one of the best parties in the world. That would have been amazing. Ever. Probably ever. The street. The way they played soccer on the streets. Yeah, the Jenga style.

I didn't know that. He got shit on for the way he played soccer. Yeah. And they were trying to be, they were trying to like play like the Europeans. And he was, did you not watch the, I told you guys to watch that Pele movie, man. It's fucking incredible, man. I don't like soccer soccer i don't do what i'm told david you guys are all we talked about this on the way over but i know what you're talking about i'm a crip from bompton dude check your fucking tone i would love to see because it was like yeah it's like a great yeah

yeah it was like yeah they tried to they were like no passing and running passing and running yeah yeah and like it would also just be great to Yeah, they were like, no, passing and running, passing and running. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would also just be great to be there, and it was such a big deal for the people of Brazil to be there as it happened. And Pelly was 16. How stoked would you be? He was 16. Oh, my God.

And everybody's like, who the fuck is this, and what the fuck? A 16-year-old comes and fucks up international competition. It's wild. Something like soccer. That's like crazy, dude. That's crazy. How long are you going to be?

Hadn't been playing with the team. Like when did he get recruited? A few months. He got, he hadn't, it was like, he like, he was that good at the world cup.

Like, I think like a year after he got to the city, like it was like, boom, boom, boom. Cause he was incredible. Yeah. And yeah. And that was like, undeniable. And the Shingo was like to the city. Like, it was like, boom, boom, boom. Because he was incredible. Yeah.

And yeah, and that was like... Undeniable. And the Shingo was like the street style. That means at the next World Cup, he was 20. You know what I mean? For his second World Cup. Gosh. Wow.

That's like seeing Taylor Swift on the screen earlier. I'm like, man, that bitch is a year older than me. I know. We watched the Tay-Tay concert on Netflix. Yeah, reputation tour on Netflix. Go check it out. Check her out. She's a sweetheart.

Good to her fans. That party afterwards too would be crazy. That's what I'm saying. In Brazil in the 50s and it's June and it's hot. Oh my god. Everybody's beautiful, just sweaty, wearing nice shirts. Panama hats.

Was the bikini invented yet? I don't know. Brazil got the bikini first yet? I don't know. Brazil got the bikini first. Oh, I bet it was. It was invented that night. Some people just ripping their shirts apart and being like, I only have a little bit left on my boobs.

But just enough. Yep. Joao. Joao. Oh, Joao. Oh, Joao. Sean Jordan, time for your, wow. Sean Jordan, time for your third pick.

My third pick, I'm going to be on the Titanic in 1912. What is up with you, man? What the fuck are you doing? I'm just, all these things,

all these things. I know, I know. Why do you want to watch people die so much? And the fourth one's going to be... Mass extinction is your favorite thing.

The fourth one's gnarly too. The fourth one is going to be you stopping me from killing baby Hitler, isn't it? Little did I know that right behind me, it's not about people dying. It's just these, all these things are so fascinating to me. Like there is a part of like the fear that would be on everybody when they

realize this unsinkable ship is actually sinking, but also just to be there and know exactly what happened, even though they pretty much already know. But I just think it'd be fascinating. Yeah, hit an iceberg and then it sank. Yeah, but there's theories on if it split into two or three pieces and shit like that. You can say it, I do.

I'm going to whisper what I think your next pick is going to be to Ian, and if it's confirmed, then I would... Yeah, I want to go Bone Rose. Oh, that's a good guess. Here's my thing. I'm learning so much about you

because I would not thought, these pics are very surprising to me. Well, this is all hypothetical, you know, it's not like I want

to see people die. No, no, listen, you're going to places where people are dying. I know. I do know. I would have thought it was going to be

five different times Christian Hosoi did Christ there. Really only one at the first time. Oh, was it really? Yeah. No, I mean, he did a bunch. Oh. After the first time. Oh, was it really? Yeah. No, I mean, he did a bunch.

After the first one. Titanic, huh? Do you want to be there when it crashes? Or do you want to be... Not specifically. I just kind of want to be on the Titanic. You know they would have kept your Irish ass in the steerage, right? So Laura's dad is a...

Hey, Sean Jordan, you're going downstairs. Laura's dad has a piece of the Titanic framed on his wall. Wow. Yeah, he's a huge Titanic head. They call them tit fiends. They're remaking the Titanic. And I go, do you think they have steerage? It's the only time he ever looked at me cross,

but he's like, why would they do that? I go, yeah, you're right. They're not going to make people sleep like the dirty Irish people did. They're remaking Titanic? I think it's already made. Oh, the boat, the Titanic. Yeah, the boat, the Titanic. Yeah, the boat, the Titanic. What a great plan.

It's supposed to be an exact replica and I was like, why are they making this? That was your question? Yeah. I'm a weird guy. New territory.

Have fun, Joe. No lie. You gotta test the waters with a general. See where the sense of humor lies. Yeah, I found it. Fog of war. I found a sense of humor.

Down low. Down low. Way down low. So the Titanic won at Rex. I mean, yeah. That would be the most interesting part. Would you think it would be more somber when you're like,

you know everyone around you is about to die. But you're back in time. Everybody was gonna die. I get that. That's true. I mean, you know. Everyone but the unsinkable Molly Brown

but you get to see you just steal a violin from the band and be like have fun now we get to see if they really like did they really

sit there and play because I'd be like are you guys fucking crazy but I guess I think they did isn't that from like a first hand account yeah

and like just it'd just be so insane to see the hysteria that set in I don't know you know what you could do about that? Hysteria. What could I do?

Yeah. I got two fingers for your hysteria right here. I'd go down to the medical cabinet. Ladies, ladies, get in the boat. I'll take care of you. I'm a doctor. Private, why are you taking your shirt off? These women are hysterical.

Come into the doctor boat. I don't have a vibrator. I'm going to have to administer mouth to vagina. These women are nuts. All right. The sinking of the Titanic, man. Sure. Keeping warm under their big skirts. Oh, my God.

That shit is... Oh, that's so buck. Man. Jane, time for your third pick. Okay, I'm going to do one that's just for me. All right. I want to go Regency Jane Austen England. Oh. I would love to...

And I would hang out... I'm not doing the hour thing. I'm doing I would have to live for a little while. I would love it if I just had to sit around doing needlepoint yeah um and like yeah i'd be you know oppressed and i would have to like be married off for money or whatever but then uh i could get matched up with a guy and not have to do anything dating is garbage they take care of all of that for you you have sex once a year yeah perfect get pregnant move on well you just got to tell the doctor you're nuts and then they'll take care of the rest.

Ride your horse a lot. Oh, yeah. I would do a lot. No side saddle for me. I'd be like blowing it out of the water. They'd be like, what is she doing? She might come on that thing. Just coming all over a horse. That's the only way we got it for so long. You get really good at

croquet. You get good at croquet. There'd be a lot of finger sandwiches. I would have to learn to sing. Women were expected to just... Once a month. If I'm a high enough lady, I would get it at the front of the line instead of the... Did you know people, they would

bathe in... You would only have the hot water and people... They'd reuse it, right? Yeah, they'd reuse it. Yeah, they'd reuse it and the lower status you were you got the water last that's one of the grosser things to think about like getting in someone's cashed bath would just be such a

I have to highly recommend there is a dating game on PBS called Regency House where it was singles from London dating in like period rules and standards it It's on YouTube. You can find it. I bet that is so fun. What a strange idea.

It's really cool. And all the women are super bored and the guys get to do whatever they want. They're banging on petticoats and shit? Yep. Wow. Wild. I would love, you know, women just had to sit around and like take tea. And I'm tired of working. That sounds great. I get that. Yeah. Yeah. For like a month and then you're like take tea and I'm tired of working. That sounds great.

I get that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For like a month. And then you're like, all right, I'm recharged.

Yeah. I made so many pillows. Yeah. Did so much cross stitching. I'm ready to go back to 19. Oh wait, no, 2019.

Yeah. That's what year it is. That's it. You're our Lord. I don't think it's still the 1900s. Also, I could have like lesbian trysts Without anybody Because no one would like think that you would do that

Because that was just not done Not a lady I feel like a ton of women were just like Like lesbian banging Well yeah because dudes were so Dudes were doing it too And it's like women's pleasure Wasn't really a thing so no one would know

you're like I'm just giving a friend a massage you know this is what young ladies do when we're alone together in the beds we always share we're preparing each other's vaginas for you sir expecting making sure no beasts of foul origin are hiding amongst the folds. Checking for nits.

A lovely tongue bath is the right thing. Oh, boy. To get it ready for you, sir. We sure do have fun. We have a great time on the offense here. We sure do have a good time. I am looking for places in history where I could be secretly gay and just slip in. You're nailing it. After the

Globetrotters game, I bet you could check up with somebody. Yeah, dude. Just some, like, young Russian girl. Yeah. What is this? A woman with another woman? I mean... Maybe. Okay. Time for my third and fourth picks? Yep.

Okay. Okay. Why'd you just look right at me? All right, I'm going to take a different one. I would like to go back to the 10th century BC. Okay. And I'm going to King Solomon's Temple in Israel just to see a time when the Jews were running shit.

That they're not now? Yeah. Oh, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. None of us know about that. Shit, we're going to get all white-sided. It'd be fun just to be like Jews having huge temples and being in charge. Yeah.

Yeah, and just being like, oh, all right, we did it. We did it one time. Yeah. They sacked that temple. Then we built another one. Then they sacked that one. It's been destroyed a bunch, you know.

But at this one time, King Solomon built a big-ass temple. Big-ass temple. And I would have wanted to go and just sort of dance like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof through it. Also, you could see what Solomon was up to.

Yeah, what's King Solomon up to? Doesn't he want to split that baby in half? Yeah, you could bring a problem to him and see how he fares. I would bring him a problem. Solomon the Wise. God, oh, what would it be? That's another thing.

You always wonder, like, what were these people like? What was Solomon like? You know, what were just thousands of years ago? Six-four gay as hell. I bet everyone was fucking crazy. Solomon Giorgio, man. God bless him.

God bless him and God bless that name. Six four gays. You got to really work hard to live up to the name Solomon Giorgio. Yeah, he had to get a custom made cape. And he surpassed it. Yeah. He got some high heel boots delivered the other day. They're fucking incredible.

And he's getting a matching cape for them. That's his second cape in three months shout out to Solomon Giorgio man I don't know if you're listening to this particular episode but he's got two capes two capes

three months two custom made capes that's so dank I'm just happy to know someone who has one cape and his name is Solomon Giorgio baby

I knew a dude who had a cape before not nearly as cool it's real hit or miss as far as the cape. God, it is. It's a piece of family situation. I feel like it's mostly miss. It's a lot of misses.

A lot of misses. Solomon is the only person who could get me into a New Year's Eve party at the Chateau Marmont. Did he hide you in his cape? What? Did he hide you in his cape? He did, yeah. He smuggled me in.

Past the angry girl at the front desk. So anyway, I want to go back and see King Solomon's Temple. Okay. And just to fucking bask in the Jewish splendor for a while. Hell yeah. Yeah.

That's perfect. Because it'd be rough seas for us for a while after that. What? What are you talking about? Rough seas. Rough seas. Well, no, you killed Hitler,

so. Yeah, Hitler's dead. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah, but there's a lot of other stuff. I wish that was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Diana.

They've got to fight that war on a few different fronts. There's a lot of different fronts on that war. I'm taking this back to, it's June. It's Portland, Oregon. It's the late 1970s. It's 1977. The Portland Trailblazers. Led by Bill Walton.

Yeah, there you go. Defeat the Philadelphia 76ers and win Portland's only championship unless you count the Portland Timbers. You can't. Which I don't right now. Although God bless them. I love them.

God, the Thorns too. But no, fucking Blazer Mania, dude. Portland went crazy. Portland didn't have any, it was the only game in town. Portland has always been a city that's been in love with itself. So to be there when the fucking

Blazers won the championship, and this is another one where I'd want to be there for a few days, because I'd have to be there for the parade. Oh, yeah. No condoms either. Also, our best player was like this hippie Grateful Dead fans where everybody who used to ride his bike to games, and everyone was kind of like

living in that vibe too. No condoms. No condoms. No condoms. No. That would be great though. It would be just so good. I just want to go back to 1970. No condoms.

The pill was just out. So everyone's like, take the pill, do it. Instead of being like. Also, Portland in the 70s seems like it could be crazy. Portland in the late 70s. It would have been tight. They shut down like. You could have that same mustache.

I would look roughly the same. Oh, yeah. I wear denim shirts already. I'd be wearing denim shirts back then. It would have just been amazing. I'm not sure if I'll see a Blazers championship in my lifetime. Oh, don't say that.

I don't know if I will. I could live to an old age. It's not like we have other teams, so it's not like I'm going to, you know. That made me really sad. I know. That touched my heart when you're like, you know, I might live to an old age, but I might not.

Also, it's like, you're not. I really don't care. We saw our generation can do anything. We saw Cubs World Series. That's true. We did see the Cubs win. That seems way crazier. Eagles won the Super Bowl.

Sky Force got two titles in my lifetime. The what? Sky Force. Exactly. Victor Page and Monty Buckley. Eagles won the Super Bowl? Sky Force got two titles in my lifetime. The what? Sky Force. Exactly. Victor Pege and Monty Buckley. Those were the two titles. Atlanta United won the soccer something? See?

We're winning. I don't know anything. You know. Our city's winning. The Falcons almost won. The Sonics don't exist anymore. No, they don't. Don't give me that.

Yeah, that's a good one, man. Dr. Jack Ramsey, Bill Walton, Maurice Lucas. Who was on that Sixers team? World Be Free, Julius Irving. Who else? You guys beat Dr. J. George McGinnis. At home.

Yeah. Yeah, man, that would be great. What do you think the concessions were? Caldwell, John. Popcorn, pretzels. You think that was it? Hot dogs? Hot dogs.

Beer. Just a classic. A lot of them beer. Yeah, a lot of beer. With that weird 70s pull top. Yeah. Clank. Yeah. Ka-clank. Yeah.

Clank it, just clanking cans. Yep. So yeah, those are my two picks. Solomon's Temple and the fucking Memorial Coliseum. It's a good list shaping up right there. Also the team, just to keep with my theme, owned by a Jew at the time. Bam.

Owned by a Jew at the time. Bam, bam. Owned by a Jew at the time. By a Jew, by a Jew at the time. Bam, bam. Owned by a Jew at the time. By a Jew, a young, an old Jew. He's still alive. Jane,

time for your fourth pick. Okay. Oh, dang. You just made me think. I wish I could look it up. I think I'm going to go 20s Paris, like the expatriates

in Paris in the 20s. Absolutely. Like you got your Hemingway. Yeah. You got Picasso. You got Dolly. You got the Fitzgeralds. Yeah.

Oh, I saw the Fitzgeralds house in Montgomery. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Zelda and what was her? Troublesome. That's right. F. Scott. F. Scott.

Zelda. The first episode of my podcast is about them. Really? Because they're fucking crazy. They were pretty awesome, right? Or were they crazy in a they're fucking crazy. They were pretty awesome. Right. Or were they crazy in a bad way? Both.

They were like your party friends. So you're like, they're so fun. And then after like they turned 30, it gets really a bummer, you know? Yeah. As I am 37.

Yeah. I might be one of them. Unfortunately. Oh, that would have been amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I, I think that that would have been amazing yeah yeah I think that that would have been and like they're just one it's like a time like women were finally getting you could be a flapper so you could like

drink and party and smoke cigarettes I don't wear flappers it's a joke it's a comedy joke it's like clubbing burp I thought you said I don't wear flappers. I was like, I hope not. On your dick? What are flappers?

You don't remember those outfits? The dancing, the girls from the 20s? It was like the first time women were like, I'm not wearing corsets. I'm bobbing my hair. I'm cutting my hair off. I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm going to dance.

I'm going to party. You've never read the short story Bernice Bobs Her Hair? No, I haven't. Or seen the Woody Allen motion picture, Midnight in Paris? I have seen that. Yeah, that's what it is. So it's like Charleston, that whole thing. But it was the first time women could party.

No one knew that being an alcoholic was bad, so I could do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everyone else was doing it too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how. Because everyone else was doing it, too. Yeah, all the gin was just filled with lead. It'd be so fun. All the gin was filled with lead?

They were just making it in tubs and shit. I don't know what snuck by me. Man, that old lead gin. Who's that woman and her? Alice. Alice, yeah, B. Toklas. Yeah, Alice B. Toklas. Gertrude Stein. Yeahlas. Gertrude Stein.

Yeah. The Gertrude Stein salons and stuff where everybody was just being smart and thinking big. And they felt free for the first time after World War I. Sure. And Paris was at its most beautiful, just post-electricity finally lit up. God, that's a great pick. I feel like I could get eaten out by a hot

lesbian in a suit. Absolutely. Just like an Anise Nin novel. It would be a movable feast in more ways than one. Just like... This guy. Back of a stretch limo.

Bob haircut, Evan Rachel Wood looking bitch eating me out. What a life. It just sounds crazy. That was really gangster what you just said. Everyone's very pretentious, but in a fun way. Oh, yeah. Gas lamps.

Just eating goose to your heart's content. There was nothing yet. It was just content. There was like nothing yet. It was just fun. Just cramming goose. Swan meat with man. Ray sailed. I couldn't even say that if I, if I like studied to say what you just said,

I couldn't say that. That was tight. Yeah. I feel like a sexual revolution. So fun. I feel like I'd be like the best party in the world. That That was tight. Yeah. That's great. I feel like it would be a sexual revolution. So fun. I feel like it would be the best party in the world. That's Paris, too. Yeah.

Midnight in Paris. But no Owen Wilson as a Woody Allen sort of relationship. Oh, jeez. Why not? Oh, no. Yeah, I think I'm just going to go for a walk. I don't need neurotic New York dude. Oh, God.

No. You mix it up with Paul Giamatti. They're walking in the same. They're walking in the same party, those two. But I like what you're doing. That's new ground. That's new shit. We're breaking new. That's that new shit.

2019, Paul Giamatti. Sean Jordan, it's time for your fourth pick. I'm going to Tombstone, Arizona, 1881. I'm going to gamble with Doc Holliday. Nice. We can play. Pharaoh is the game of the day. Pharaoh, Pharaoh yeah that was Doc Holliday's game and he's gonna teach me how and we're gonna get fucking lit we're gonna get fucking tuberculosis

I was looking up some shit on tuberculosis so it's so when you look it up it says that it's passed through like coughing and things like that. That's so gnarly. Yeah. But also it says you can't get it from kissing. And I don't understand how that works at all.

Blood maybe? Maybe. Oh, maybe. There's blood in the coughing? That's just so buck to me. A filthy lunger? Nothing but a filthy lunger. Apparently,

apparently Mr. Ringo's an educated man. Now I really hate him. You know it's not going to be Val Kilmer. It is in my fucking head. Yes, it is. He just goes back and it's Val Kilmer. I'll grab him, like Bill and Ted style. I'll just bring him with.

You could just go back to 1996 when they're filming it and hang out with Val Kilmer on set. That's true. Damn, that would have been kind of fun. That's your fifth pick? If I didn't wake up in a haze this morning, I might have picked that. Just go hang out with

Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday. That'd be pretty tight. Oh, she's not going to see the look on his face. Like someone just shot me. Knowledge bloomed in your eye Like you ate from the tree Doc Holliday Prominent Georgian

Yeah He was a dentist And then he got Diagnosed as a lunger And he decided I don't want tuberculosis To kill me So he moved to Arizona

Thinking the dry climate Would help And he started gambling Drinking Drugging Killing people And because he wanted To die a different way. Is this that Michael J. Fox movie?

Doc Hollywood? I don't know. What's this, a brand new Corvette? Yeah, I've seen Doc Hollywood. I would not hang out with Doc Hollywood. No, that dude sucked. That was the whole point of that movie. He was whack.

So you gamble with him? Do you think you could take him? Do you think you could take him for some money? That's not the goal. The goal is pretty much to watch him take people. I'd just kind of be there with him. Are we drinking whiskey? Are we smoking cigars? What are we doing, Doc?

Are we making quips? Huh? Yeah. In Latin? Yep. In vino vera tal. Sic simpata rentals. If you look up what they say, they're not really saying shit.

No, they're just saying catchphrases back and forth. It's like if I was like, lead follower, get out of the way. If you look up what they say, they're not really saying shit. No, they're just saying catchphrases back and forth. It's like if I was like, lead follower, get out of the way. And you were like, big dogs, stay on the porch or whatever. If you want it to make sense, you can twist your brain into thinking it makes sense,

but it doesn't. Nobody would ever say that. I think the whole part of that scene was like they both were educated men who could recite Latin quotes. I think it's the basis of masculinity, which is if we pretend this is cool enough,

it will seem cool. Yeah, yeah. That's the old... I read Laura what it said and she goes, well, that's stupid. Damn it, yeah. You're right.

It is stupid. Shit, yeah. Ah, shit. I got two guns here. One for each of you. One for each of you. Now, if you ask Kelly Jordan, I do it better than Val Kilmer. Right.

You know what? I like that your Doc Holliday, to me, sounds like juvenile. Juvenile. Say, what's up, witcher? You the one with that badass Ben's heart. You a paper chaser? You got your blog on fire? And your child support on.

Remaining a G until the moment you expire give me the keys to your car and your medallion if you're from far away use an alien that way i was like fuck you june man i love judy if you're from far away then use an alien that's a lyric that's a real ass lyric. Anyway, yeah. Tombstone. 1881. David, time for your final two picks. Fourth pick. Pasadena, April 25th, 1983 at the Pasadena

Civic Center Auditorium. The Pasadena Civic Auditorium. I would be there for Motown. 25 years. Yesterday, today, first time Michael Jackson did the motherfucking moonwalk. We watched that last night. Yep, and that's where I was.

That's where I got the fucking pic, dog. Also, you get to see all the other fucking... Yep, Marvin Gaye was on it. The four tops, Diana Ross was on it. It was like, yeah, it was a Motown special. So you would have been seeing that.

Then you just see Michael Jackson change the fucking game this little kid from Gary Indiana this little motherfucker fucking moonwalks now what now what are we gonna do every dude who danced in that audience had to be like what the fuck am I supposed

to do now I can't go home yeah I gotta go to fucking learn how to do that before I can go home we didn't even know it was called the moonwalk it was just that shit Michael did till morning you know what I mean you see that shit Mike pulled out although I was

looking it up too there's a lot of other people who have done the moonwalk before there were people like 20 years before him that did and I mean James it's all James Brown footwork right that's what it's all based off of. But still, that shit was like, it would just be so great to see.

And it's like, that's like peak Michael for me. Yeah, that is every time, every hair on my body is standing up when I watch that. Every single time. It's so dope.

And I would also love to enjoy Michael Jackson before any context. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because he was just the greatest for so long, and that's all it was. Just a dude just tearing the roof off. The greatest entertainer of all time. Yeah. And there was nothing else about

him. No. Didn't have a zoo yet. You know, wasn't touching people, not doing anything weird. He was the greatest entertainer of all time yeah he was it's undeniable but

yeah yeah it's like I don't know Beyonce might be up there she's getting there she gets a run yeah thriller though

yeah yeah that's true Dave time for your final pick oh what are you a host I will pick Oh. What are you, a host? I will pick April 27th, 1961, Freetown, Sierra Leone, where Sir Milton Margui led the people of Sierra Leone to their first independence.

From Great Britain, I'm taking the first Sierra Leone Independence Day. Hell yeah. In Freetown specifically, man. Fuck. Show's popping off? Yeah, man. Yeah, dude, that's fucked. Is this the one-year anniversary of it

or the day it happened? The day it happened. When the Brits packed up and left? Yeah. How did it go down? What? They had been in talks for like, I think like a week or something,

the SLPP and that Milton Markay guy. And then that was when they came to Accord and like figured it all out. Wow. Crazy. That was a big day. Parties? Yeah. I kind of want to see what my grandpa was doing.

Yeah. What was your grandpa up to? Fucking, I don't know, man. I'm sure he had some kind of thoughts about it though. That guy was like a true patriarch. What's your grandpa's deal? He was, I mean, grandpa's deal he was i mean there's a lot of stuff he was he worked for the national diamond mining company really he owned a

giant farm that our family's lawn was on he was a polygamist but then he converted to christianity he was one of the only people in our area to reject the bondo society which was uh female circumcision he wouldn't let the girls from our town do that whoa yeah all kinds of shit he was like yeah he was a boss man your grandpa protected pussies and for that i appreciate him my family's always loved pussy it's just he was that's just the thing we've always really been into the conservation and preservation there a big clit at the top of it. There's a clit at the top of your family crest. Some people love pussy, but we put our minds out for it. You put your mouth where your mouth is.

I put my mouth where her south is. You know what I'm talking about? This guy. This guy. What are you, a comedian? That was great. That was fantastic. Honestly, I'm a t-shirt salesman. It's you, a comedian? That was great. That was fantastic. Honestly, I'm a t-shirt salesman.

Yeah, it's more of a t-shirt game. That's all anybody is anymore. T-shirt salesman, silver investor. Yeah. Rack on tour. Yeah. Getting in the bullion game soon. Yeah.

Investing in a lot of gift card futures. We're spreading it around in 2019. We put $2,500 into iTunes cards recently. It's an investment. It's going to mature. Yeah, yeah. Sean, it's time for your final pick.

I'm going to pick March 27th, 1996, the day I got my first skateboard. My first real skateboard. Oh, that is so sweet. You sweet bastard. It made me...

So, you know, I tell this story all the time, but like, I thought I was in a gang. And I... All my friends got beat up and I was like, well, that, but I thought I was in a gang. All my friends got beat up, and I was like, well, that's stupid. I got a skateboard, and I haven't really changed at all since then. I mean, little bits here and there, but that made me who I am.

I'm always grateful for that. That's beautiful. It was one of the best days. Looking back, I didn't know it at the time. Were you good at it the first day? No, I got good pretty quick, though. That's what you said, like inside of two weeks you could kickflip? It was, yeah, pretty quick.

I could ollie. I think I could ollie like a couple, like real quick. Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion was the number one song in the country. I like to think that that was your soundtrack to learn the skateboard. Just like that Footloose scene, but you alone. Willie Santos, Birdhouse, Cannonball Run graphic. It was a slick. Adventure Featherlight trucks with black axles.

45 millimeter lemon drop wheels. Wow. Abeck 4s were the bearings. I don't know what company made them. Shorty's hardware. Jessup grip tape. And I took it home and I couldn't put it together. Now I know that when you put a board together, the hardware doesn't flush.

It sticks up a little bit. I didn't know that when I was trying to take it back and be like, hey, can you guys finish putting this together for me? And they all made fun of me. Yeah. How'd you pick all this stuff? I just, so I wanted to get this board. It was Keenan Milton. He was at Skated for Chocolate. He's passed on. But he had a board where the Knicks and the Lakers were playing each other. I think it was the Knicks and Lakers. And it's what I wanted. But that dickhead bully, CJ, that friend of mine,

he talked me out of it, told me to get this other board that I didn't want. Clyde the Clyde talked you out of it? Whoa, Clyde the Clyde. So I look, I still, I'm always bummed that I didn't get this. But it's Keenan Milton. Willie Santos is amazing. But Keenan Milton is like a legend,

and it's a bummer that I didn't get the board I wanted. And that was also one of the times where I'm like, you idiot, do what you want to do. You know, like it taught me a lesson. Those hard lessons. Get the shit that you want. Skateboard teaching lessons.

Yeah. Skateboard lessons. More of a classroom than a skateboard. The Birdcage was the number one movie in the country. You think I didn't skate

to go see my favorite Nathan Lane vehicle? It is one of my favorite Nathan Lane vehicles. It is really good. I made someone watch it for the first time, their first time recently and I was like, you haven't seen it? This is one of my favorite. It movies. It is really good. I made someone watch it for their first time recently,

and I was like, you haven't seen it? This is one of my favorite dumb movies. It's so good. It's so good. So dumb, but so good. Is it Lane May and Mike Nichols? I think it is, isn't it? The Sun is, but it's adapted from a French movie, right?

La Cage Aux Faux. Damn. Damn, that day. I'll remember it forever. The day I got my first board. Skateboard P. What else happened that day? No, I can't remember shit.

People banging Celine Dion. Probably rode with my mom in the minivan somewhere. I imagine you're just holding your board while the song plays in the background. I used to sleep with it, I don't know, in my bed, but I'd have it where I could touch like, touch it if I needed to. Like, I could just reach over and touch it. If you had to do a kickflip in the middle of the night.

A kickflip out of this nightmare. The obsession that you get with something like that, I've never experienced anything like it, not even with comedy, not even close. It's that it immediately took over my whole life. It's all I cared about. It's just a part of you. Forever. And it's still, I'm not very good anymore, but it's still, I'm going to care about it

the rest of my life. Yeah, so that was a very important day for me. That was my personal one. Nobody died. Nothing, you know, no ships were sinking. Nobody got shot. But if nobody died, how are you going to get off? Thinking about the fucking Titanic.

Thinking about that grip tape. Jane, time for your final pick. Okay, I'm going to go June 4th, 1974, Cleveland, Ohio. Tencent Beer Night. Oh, God. That was like the riot, right? The riot at the Texas Rangers versus Cleveland Indians. That would have been amazing.

Where they just kept, there was a Tencent Beer Night promotion. There had been a fight at an Indians to Rangers games a month or two before, so everybody was like ready to go. And then they just kept selling more and more beer. They bought trucks down.

Didn't they run out at some point? They ran out and then they brought trucks down and then had like teenage girls selling it. And at one point it got so aggressive that like the two teams had to get each other out of there because the crowd was going to, so like the Rangers like formed a circle with bats around the Indians to like get them off the field. That is not being a baseball game.

Yeah. Teen men with bats. Right. I feel like sports just doesn't have that, you know, it's, it's really slick now and sports just doesn't have that, you know, it's really slick now. And that's great. I don't think occasionally something happens, like Andre Iguodala throws a basketball into

the crowd or whatever. Yes, he did in Portland, Oregon. Yeah. Yes, he did in Portland, Oregon. Like somebody like, you know, there was like years ago, somebody tried to fight somebody because of the beer. Malice in the Palace. Yes. And that was the big thing

Steven Jackson went up into the crowd this was thousands of drunk fans like ready to destroy like a team of baseball players just because fuck that would have been awesome and Tencent beer and just like that's the wild part

what are you doing in Cleveland no less I think the people who came up with that Tencent beer and just like debauchery. That's the wild part. Yeah. What are you doing? They were just. In Cleveland, no less. Yeah. I think that the people who came up with that had come up with a bunch of crazy. Yeah, they were like. They had a bunch of crazy ideas, but this was like the culmination of like bad ideas. Like they pushed it too far.

Yeah. And like they had an ad in the paper that was like a ranger about to punch out an Indian or something. I don't remember. Or like an Indian about to punch out a ranger. But yeah, it was just a bad time. And I wish I was there to just see it. Because I love when shit goes wrong.

I love seeing drunk dudes fight in the streets. My favorite. It scares me. Really? Yeah, I can't. If I'm far enough away from it, I will laugh to my heart's content to see. Like in the East Village in New York,

it's one of my favorite things to stumble upon a fight and see like somebody be like, I'm gone, dude. And you're like, yeah, try it. I want to see you. It's not going to work out for anybody.

And I love that they're drunk and it's bad. It just won't fix what you're angry about. It just, it makes me happy to see men's aggression get pushed over the edge to where it actually ends up bad for the spaghetti boiling over yeah and it would be you know just to be in the stands and see everybody go

for it yeah I'd be terrified I'd have to get in the fight otherwise I'd be like well I'm too scared oh you're gonna get in the fight yeah you would I would just be like that's what I mean that shit I wonder how many 10 cent beers I've had I wonder how many of those dudes got fucking knives in the 70s in Cleveland, bro? I don't want nothing to do with that shit.

I would love to just 10,000 idiots. I brought my son here to just hang out? God damn it, dude. I think there was a Cub Scout troop that had gone there and was trying to get out. Of course there was. There's racial slurs everywhere. Weird old ones for Polish people. Yeah, yeah. You Racial slurs go everywhere. Weird old ones for like Polish people.

You handkerchief dandy! Oh, Dostosov's over here. You shoe buckle, get out of my way. You Dutch apple. Okay, my final pick. Okay, what you got? There's a few ones I'd love to see. There's a few ones I would love to see.

I think I'm going to stay with my Jew theme. Do it. But this is more Jew admiring something from afar. Are you Jewish? I am Jewish, 100% by Mitzvah and everything. Now, this one is predicated on my first one not happening. So the first one has to not. So this is just a different timeline.

The one where you kill that baby? The one where I kill that little Austrian baby. So when Jesse Owens fucking won the Olympics that were in Berlin in 1936 in front of Hitler.

To see the look on Hitler's face. Just to see them all pissed. Jesse Owens beat all these white dudes by like so much. Beat the brakes on them. Beat the brakes, including whatever their prize German athlete was. And Jesse Owens just fucking- Oliver Kahn. Fucking killed them.

Just like smoked everybody. And then just had to be like, now what? You know what I mean? Knowing it would have been dangerous. It would have been just fucking amazing to be an American and watch that happen. Just be like, fuck you, Hitler. It's just like doing it in your house too. He came to your house and slapped you in the face.

You're just going to take that? Yeah. The Nazi guy that got second place. There's this amazing picture of the podium where he's saluting. But then the German guy's next to him giving the Hitler salute. The Heil is so wild. But he's next to him. He's not up top.

That is insane. It would just have been so tight. I can't imagine. As far as sporting events that you would have wanted to be at, I mean, that one's up there. For sure. Yeah, us versus them. That's why sports is the best.

Yeah. And it's like doing the math. one's up there. For sure. Yeah. Us versus them. That's why the sports is the best. Yeah. And it's like doing the math. Like, it's on paper. Yeah. That guy did not beat that guy. Right. He didn't, right. You want to do this master race shit and pontificate all day and try to do your eugenics?

Sure. Win the race then. But win the fucking race then. You literally couldn't walk the talk. No. Yeah. So Jesse Owens. Yeah.

That's fair. It would have been so satisfying. Right. So that about wraps it up. That's a drive. That's five rounds of picks. Five rounds. That was good.

To recap, David, you went first, and you took the first day. The first day. Then Harlem in 1942-43 at Jimmy's Chicken Shack with Malcolm X and Red Fox. God, that's fun. Watching a young 16-year-old Pele lead Brazil to a World Cup victory. Over Sweden. Fuck you, Sweden.

Fuck the Swedes. Norway's cool, though. Hell yeah. Also, if Emma can hear this, Sweden's awesome. Pasadena, California, April 15, 1983 to see the Motown 25th anniversary concert. And then Sierra Leone's Independence Day.

Sean, you went second. You took watching the meteor hit the planet that killed all the dinosaurs. I did. Watching gladiator fights in the Coliseum in Rome. The Titanic sink in 1912. Die, motherfucker! You're going to Tombstone. Die!

To play Pharaoh with Doc Holliday. And then the first day you got a skateboard. I can't believe you didn't pick the fucking Hindenburg. Yeah, that was the guess. I had some other dark shit on there. Jane, you went third. You took 1880s Victorian London to get jerked off by a doctor.

1951 when the Globetrotters went to the USSR. Jane Austen's England. And then the movable feast era of Paris. And then the Tencent Beer Night in Cleveland. Amazing. That's so buck. I went last and I took Kill the Hitler Child. LCV Sound System's last concert.

Seeing King Solomon's Temple in its prime. The Blazers Championship. And then Jesse Owens winning the 100-meter dash in front of Hitler. Yeah. I feel like a lot of the things we found were just sports nights. There weren't a lot of sports ones.

Those are the best things in history is to go watch a sports event. Otherwise, it's like a vague, I guess it would have been cool to see, you know, Woodstock I had down. I had that George Bush shoe incident. Oh, that would have been rad. I had 1907 by Hitler's art at the VN.

Oh. Because I was like. You'd be like, it's good. Yeah, I just wanted to support him. And maybe he wouldn't be so mad. I had watching the, not the atom bomb that was dropped in the war. But I had watching the one that was tested. The testing.

To see it explode. Okay. Wow. That was one that I had. I had 60s London. Be cool to see. Oh, that would have been fun. Like swinging like Austin Powers, 60s London.

JFK. Oh, I had the day they recorded Protect Your Neck. Oh, damn. They're all in the studio? Hell yeah. They're all in the studio. I had 2016 Go See the Formation Tour again. Nice.

Yeah. That was pretty close to my last pick. Oh, this was one Emma suggested. Going to a party at Versailles would have been amazing. Oh, I'm going to die. Yeah at Versailles would have been amazing. I'm going to die. Yeah, right? That would have been tight. Watching LeBron play in high school would have been real fun.

I was watching it on TV. Yeah, man. There were a lot of good ones. Oh, I was in 99. I got beat up once, but I think not anymore. 2008, seeing Barack Obama. I think I'd go back and win the fight I lost. Oh.

Go handle it. Oh, go to like Expo Park in Chicago. Is that what it was? Yeah, that Barack Obama. I think I'd go back and win the fight I lost. Oh. Go handle it. Oh, go to like Expo Park in Chicago. Is that what it was? Yeah, that would be, yeah. I was just going to say see him elected again. Yeah, that would feel good. Enjoy that. But going to that, like when he came out,

like with the fam for the first time, that would have been awesome. Or seeing at last, Beyonce sing at last at the inauguration ball. That would be pretty good. I thought seeing the Colossus of Rhodes would be fun back in 10th century. That's out of Rhodes. Stonehenge.

When it was first built. Figure out how they did it. And why. Yeah, why indeed. Why indeed, Sean. Woolly Mammoth Hunt would have been cool. Oh, tight. But yeah, so, oh, Watch the Throne concert.

Oh. I love the jump. I'm like, Woolly Mammoth Hunt, Watch the Throne. Watch the Throne concert. Oh. I love the jump. I'm like, well, I remember that. Watch the Throne. Watch the Throne. When they did Paris 16 times. Yeah. That would have been tight.

Dude, I would have fucking. That song makes me want to like. I know. I don't even know how to explain the way that makes me feel. I would have been like, 17. Yeah. 17, you cowards. Also, I'm going to beat up everybody.

Everyone. And they're like, yes, beat me up. Beep, boop. Beep beat me up. Ball so hard. Great. Amazing draft, everyone. This was fun. Thank you, Patreon, for suggesting it. This was a lot of fun.

Hot ideas. Hot ideas. Hot ideas. Hot ideas. Shout out to everyone. If you want to sign up for the Patreon, we do watch-alongs and mailbags every month. The slack will be popping again. I'm going back to work next week.

Shout out to everyone on the subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the Patreon. Hit us up with yours at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. Allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Do it. What else is going on? Shout out to Super Producer Marissa. Rasheed Wallace

in a blazer jersey. Shout out to Rasheed Wallace in a blazer jersey. Shout out to Sheed. Shout out to Larry Davis. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Sid the Dude holding it down still. Can I give a shout out to Rasheed Wallace in a blazer jersey. Shout out to Larry Davis. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Can I give a shout out to St. Stacey Holloway? Absolutely. Shout out to St. Stacey Holloway. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel.

You're always close to my heart, ma. Man, what else, dude? Shout out to fucking Shane Torres. Big boy. Bring great dishonor to bathrooms all across this country. Wyatt Burp, Doc Hollandaise, the king, dude. Hey, Shane. I don't know how to tell you this.

Please close more cabinet doors in the house. Yeah. Close more cabinets, Shane. Somehow that one hurt bad. So they couldn't do it in person? That's a whole nother couple hours if we go down

this rabbit hole stop combing your hair so loud sad it sounds like someone's ripping a pillowcase we love you Shane buy his album

buy his album Establish 1981 go buy it he's amazing more important than all that tune in again next week for another brand new episode

of All Fantasy Everything Shacklackity important than all that tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything that was a hate gun podcast.