All Fantasy Everything - Movies/Books/Songs We Would've Written Eventually (w/ Chris Charpentier, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

We woulda got there eventually. Probably. Okay maybe not but we can say we would, and that's exactly what we do here with Chris Charpentier.Episode Guest:Chris Charpentier @charpiecomedy IG: @charpiecomedy Podcast: Sports Bullies The GameSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all fantasy everything. The podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. Folks, our guest today is stand-up comedian, podcaster, and friend of the program, Chris Charpentier. Sharpie is the host of the podcast, Sports Bullies the Game. You can hear his comedy special, Thoughts on Apple Music and Spotify or purchase a hard copy of it, maybe.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm not in charge of media. It seems like that, but I'm not. You may have heard Sharpie on previous episodes of All Fantasy Everything joining us to draft secondary Seinfeld characters, lies we tell ourselves, smells, movie quotes, and one of the Hall of Fame episodes, band names, just based on the name, not on any of the music that the band

makes itself. On today's episode, we're drafting movies, books, or songs that we would have written eventually had they not been written by someone else. I don't know. We'll see how it goes. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and joining us as always are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that went on a 20-mile bike ride yesterday, bruvs. 20 miles into the wind. Uphill. It was so pretty yesterday, too, man.

It was gorgeous. It was a beautiful day. I had dinner on the beach. Ooh, damn. What what go into that so did everyone else that saw you riding that bike i'll tell you what that's dinner on the beach for your eyes my friend steak frite for the corner corner corneas yeah corneas yeah they're talking about this dinner on the beach you think what happened i just went out to the beach me and my friend andrew and we were walking around and then you know they have those like the roost has a pop-up they have those decks out there you know what i mean so just like yeah at sundown we went and ate dinner out there it was what did you have did you

have seafood i had i had steak frites at this place called the veranda just right by the pier right right across from the pier yeah outside it was kind of windy but it was it was amazing i was feeling festive i had a mai tai i haven't been drinking but i had a little mai tai yeah it was really it was really nice and it was like the way the patio was set up it was like we were like back a little bit so we weren't in the wind like yeah like kind of a veranda type of situation it was great it was amazing when the server came up like uh hey might you have any drinks and did you say my tie i said i'll have an old i said i'll have an old t because it was called an old tie. I said an old tee. He didn't get it.

No, he didn't. You said this came going into OT? Yeah, he didn't get it. But there's a picture. Look. Gorgeous. Man, it is beautiful down here. Yeah.

It's gorgeous. The weather is nice. It's a little windy. We don't need blankets. Our heat isn't out. It's nice in LA. Yeah, I need all that. It's nice in LA right now.

I still love a gloomy day i love it but look like the you look like the waffle crisp grandma my heat might be out i don't know i haven't had to turn it on i don't know yeah cool you have no idea here if i get cold i'll just open my blinds a little bit and let in some of that beautiful california sun golden sunshine that's what i like that's what i like cool i love you guys i'm happy for all of you that's Open my blinds a little bit and let in some of that beautiful California sun. Golden sunshine. That's what I like. That's what I like. Cool.

I love you guys. I'm happy for all of you. That's the kind of person I am. Unless you caught me on Friday, I was not that kind of person. But every other day, I'm thrilled for you. Friday was Friday. Anybody could have got it. I was ready.

I was ready for it. That's Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean. What am sean on shitter your luck your luck with the uh utility companies on shitter it's not that like we didn't have power because of the weather for like less than a day and then honestly we are all of our shit got fried the other day and they still we still had power like six hours later like that that's amazing i can't believe how much people undervalue you know thanks for sliding the soapbox under me i can't believe how much people undervalue

people with trades and skills like an electrician and a plumber we would have been completely screwed if that electrician wasn't here you know freaking queen's pregnant upstairs what am i gonna not have electric it's so it's crazy that anybody undervalues that i just i don't know it really had to build a fire and lean to in the backyard give you know yeah yeah start shaving pieces off the house hunting down hunting down a possum and raccoon in the neighborhood you know cooking that for her speaking of hunting down a possum and raccoon did you kill that rat yeah i haven't heard it 187 that motherfucker i haven't heard it in a minute it's you gotta kill that man i know i know i'll tell you i'll tell you what's happening here sorry to jump me

if i can slide that soapbox back not really a soapbox but i'll tell you what's happening this rat is fucking with your utilities, man. The rat thought everything was hunky-dory, copacetic. It was a peaceful, like, symbiotic relationship. And then you start putting these traps out. Now the rat's, like, gone all fucking Bruce Willis and Die Hard. He's trying to take you out, dude. Bro, you got to kill him before he kills you.

This has become a hot war. It was a cold war. It has become a hot war. He a cold war it has become a hot war he turned up the heat on it well it's actually a very cold war it's a very cold war the coldest war he turned up the heat and turned off the heat at the same time dude rat war you gotta put him on the hibachi man if you need me to fly up there and kill that man i'll kill him for you yeah i'll say dav David was here the whole time. Yeah.

I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I like how you two want to ride for me. I've come to terms with the fact that we are going to have to murder this rat. And I don't like that. I don't like it. But when the power went out, I had this like National Lampoon's when the squirrel gets in the tree moment where I was like, if that rat cut the power off and is going to charge

me whatever, I'm going to kill that rat. That's not what happened, but I don't want that to happen, so the rat's going to die. I'm going to do it. I got a shooter to the left of me. I got a shooter to the left of me. You say the word, dude. I got two lazy...

That is the funniest picture for that cat to be. And panned over to Beetlejuice, laying in... I got too lazy. That is the funniest position for that cat to be in. And panned over to Beetlejuice laying in... Beetlejuice in my chair, by the way. Beetlejuice is in the Sean Jordan chair. Absolutely. That's the chair that I used to wear the dirty Boston shorts in all the time

when we recorded from the Fortress. It's become the Beetlejuice chair. The two of you are going to have to hash this out. I'll bring a dead rat down and try to try to entice him out of the chair all right or maybe i'll exchange him but he'll he can hold a bottle of jameson and i'll hold the dead rat and be like same time beetlejuice same time he is fast asleep that cat doesn't trust me yet but he he will fall fast asleep three feet away from me yeah cats that's been one of the best things during all this i know quarantine pets is a big thing it's been so sick i've never had my own pet like my own i take care of this it is

completely my responsibility as pet and i love it i love it i talk to him i do you know all the jokes you know the tough day when i'm walking by and i love it every time every time they're pretty tired they should kill this fucking rat for you yeah what put the cats on it he's adams on that same so they can't get to it because it doesn't come in the crits a smart rat it doesn't just come in the is it you're a man now david tread lightly here because you're gonna say one of two things you're either calling me stupid. Is that what you're doing? No, I'm saying you need to, like, get up in it.

Like, you're a man. It's a rat. You need to realize your powers here, your full powers. Yeah, you need to activate. Remember who you are. Did not want to murder it. I have told you I will. I'm going to.

You should hit. I think you should murder it with a stick so it knows what happened i'm gonna i'm gonna dead the rat you got to i should do it with a stick yeah so it knows what happened jesus christ man i'm re-watching boardwalk empire and your boy al capone said something pretty fucking tough in the in the previous episode he's just like i'm gonna go down there i'm gonna i'm gonna show them that people bleed before they die i was like oh that's what you gotta do but to the rat yeah yeah we gotta shrink you down dude that's what we gotta do

send you in there with the nunchucks interspace style interspace yeah we make you rat size yeah then you won't feel bad about violently murdering that animal hand to hand kill or be killed yeah yeah i'd choke him staring at the old way dude get in there and kill it the old way which is getting shrunk down yeah i love this idea let it eat you and then kill it from the inside yeah get real small dude yeah sharpie knows how to kill sharpie knows how to kill. Sharpie knows how to kill. Fight your way out. I think you should give it the old country way. That's what the Iron Sheik called boo-fooing. Yeah. I thought I said tread lightly.

You just told me to go boo-foo the rat and get rat-sized and boo-foo it? I told you to make the rat humble. Val Kilmer, dude. You think there's a rat prison in my walls? I think it's prison rules right now. You're sitting there in a jacket. He's living fat in your walls. Yeah, I think it's prison rules right now.

I'm the warden of the rat prison. You're not. You're wearing the coat of shame. You got a blanket on. You're in solitary, bro. He's out there eating all your snacks. I do look like i've like i've gone crazy and i would just tell people like i just go out and tell the post person like

yeah i'm the warden of the rat prison if you want to come in there's we have a rogue rat but all the other rats are present accounted for uh they get an hour of cardio every day did i get a letter from the government by chance today that rat is in your walls working on his appeal has the government contacted you about me at all if they do miss my mailbox how about we do that plausible deniability i'm not up to anything buy something from a local theater that you don't want to go out out of business that's what i'd say there you go yeah watch minari with the hollywood theater as nick manpay is planning to do tonight so you know that's something you could do david bory is here cool guy jokes on instagram the gsi on twitter how you doing buddy can we skip this part

you're really loading it up it's getting i'm getting sick of it well it's it gets old you got a tab you're gonna have to pay one of these days it gets old hearing what you're up to i'm gonna have to pay for it i didn't even start to care and i gotta act like i care every week listen it gets old hearing what you're up to getting pumped out by a rat in your own home you know what i'm doing not getting hoed in my house that's what i'm doing i told you where's my blanket at i'm gonna bed that i will bed the rat's wife. Oh, yeah, I'm not wearing one, am I? I will bed the rat's wife in front of the rat. I've said this.

I will, I will, I will. If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle. What are you talking about? I'm ready for something I did, and I haven't heard it once. Just as a neutral observer here. Exactly. Exactly. All right.

I don't want to talk to you until I see rat blood on your hands it hurts my heart watching you get punked out by a rat like this sorry to use David's time I'm going to show you guys the body next week what if I show you the body next week is that good? I've seen dead rats before man

not like this you haven't this ain't going to be the kind of dead rat you ever see it's just a very small dog that was never a rat sean everything's a rat when the when somebody flips the switch everything's gonna turn into a rat and that's what i don't want to happen i want to handle this peacefully before the world is a rat that's the most gangster thing i've ever heard you say when i flip that switch everything's a rat yeah i could absolutely see some one of your characters in your stories boardwalk empire saying something like that dude i just i just want to lean in and be like my bite's worse than my bark. And then I just start torturing.

That means I'm calm. I'm a calm psycho. David, what have you been up to, man? You've been eating dinner on the beach? I'm eating dinner on the beach, you know, living large. You know, it's so pretty out just walking around and shit like that. I got nothing. I got something coming up, but I don't know when it comes out.

But I'm going to be on something again. I'm doing some acting. So, you know, that'll come when it comes out. That makes me happy. It'll be here before you know it. It'll be here about the time that Sean kills that fucking rat. So December, I think. I hope you're ready to release some stuff because I'm going kill it yes i'm talking about what hope you're ready to release some content

you said it's gonna get here when i kill the rat and i said i hope you're ready to release it because i'm gonna kill this thing oh i thought you were asking if i was gonna come david sean's gonna come whoa hey in this rat the way you've been telling we didn't actually get no i didn't he's gonna give it the old country way. We had to postpone the wedding, so it's going to be a while. That's a good point. That's a good point. When is that thing going to be?

I don't. You know, I was foolishly a few months ago. I was thinking maybe we could do it August. I bet it'll be next spring. Okay. I want everyone to be able to go safely. I don't want to worry about anything. So I think next spring. Yeah. everyone to be able to go safely i don't want to worry about anything so i think next um yeah anyway my price my price is going up just to officiate just to

let you know dude i'm i'm only getting more famous well it won't matter how many dead rats you're charging by that point i will i will produce them i don't know if you will you have no dead rats keep running it broke keep running it broke i'm running, man. You're dead rat broke. I'm only getting paid in dead rat coin by that point, dude. Oof, yeah. Crypto dead rats. I got in dead rat coin at eight cents a share, dude. Yeah.

David keeps ordering one more strip of bacon on this kick his ass burger that I'm going to give him as soon as I see him. I'm hungry. Come over. Come over. My door's unlocked. You know where it's at. Is that your actual street?

Do we want to bleep that out? I don't. Yeah, that is my street. It's a long street. Yeah, that's true. That's true. It could be anywhere. Yeah. These are all my blocks. It could be any city, by city by the way too you don't know where we're at we might all moved i'm i'm recording from phoenix oh nobody saw that shit coming nice lovely there my enemy's enemy is my

friend we all live in phoenix now uh chris sharp and tear is here what's happening at sharpie comedy on twitter that's right at sharpie comedy on instagram what's up what's up with you man what the fuck dude not a damn thing i'm playing golf a lot that's it oh where are you playing that's up though everywhere it's all you can play anywhere dude golf is happening clubs or you rent clubs golfing is happening it's like the only safe thing that you can do. Yeah, they're still golfing. It's outside. You don't get close to anybody.

You don't touch anything. You don't touch anybody. You should go to that Ralph's on Verdugo and play grocery store golf. See what happens there. Okay. With apples inside. It'd be fun.

Did you and the rat write that joke? David. David. I'm about to say your social security number on here. He said that they took a pull off a big water, dude. He's ready. It's like huge water. You got to do a gallon a day.

I went golfing yesterday, Ian, after your 20-mile bike ride in that same wind, and it was terrible. How was that? It was awful and i was the whole time i was thinking i wouldn't want to be riding my bike right now not at all it was miserable yesterday was terrible with that wind i mean when i hit the bike it's like john daly john daly shirtless knocking off a t i'm a powerhouse but like it's even still it was difficult what do you have your own clubs or are you are you renting oh nice yeah because they're not renting clubs i went to try to go to a driving range and they were like get get the fuck out of

here that's right you loser um but you know where you can get them is freaking play it against sports for pretty cheap that's what i did oh that's smart i love play it against sports yeah dude golf is so expensive but so expensive but we we got to take those sticks out. Yeah. I got some for like under $150, a whole set and a bag. All right. So that's totally worth it. That's what we're doing with the rest of my day. Hell yeah. I would totally go, dude.

I play golf all the time now. It's great. I go every weekend. I'm absolutely up for that. I'm absolutely up for that. David, golf? Yeah, I'm down. Nice.

I don't want to drive, though. I like to hit it hard. Sweet. I got a big old driver you can use. It's fun. You don't even have to buy one. I let the big doggy. I'm down. Nice. I don't want to drive, though. I like to hit it hard. Sweet. I got a big old driver you can use. It's fun. You don't even have to buy one. I let the big dog eat. I'm left-handed.

Oh, Bertha. Foof. I would never own a left-handed club. I don't trust left-handed people. No, I'm not either. Yeah, Sean does it because we kill rats. I think the rat's left-handed. Yeah, maybe that's why you can't put a hand on it.

That's why he's not falling into my right-handed traps. That's why you can't catch him. He's too slick. I looked on the internet. I got a stick, a box, and I got a cherry. I thought that's all you needed was a stick, a box, and a cherry. I tell you what, you don't need two of those things. Oh, that's great. When I catch it i i'll be a different person i'm telling you dude you say the word he's coming what i'm saying shoot a shoot that's what they do all right

now right now he's sleepy he's covering his face with his furry little paw but does it get cuter by the, when a cat does that thing? It doesn't get cuter than when the cats do the paw thing. When they cover their eyes with their paw? Yeah. It's the cutest thing in the world. Yeah. It's the same way like a drunk person passes out in the sun, but when it's a cat doing it, it's just like, oh, yeah.

He's drunk, though, by the way. Yeah, is he? He's hammered, dude. Extremely drunk. Yeah, he's been drinking fucking melon liqueur since, like, oh, yeah. He's drunk, though, by the way. Yeah, is he? He's hammered, dude. Extremely drunk. Yeah, he's been drinking fucking melon liqueur since, like, sun up. He gets weird drunk, too. He has his own tiny little liquor cabinet. That he walks to.

He gets on two legs and walks over there like a gentleman. No, there's a liquor store around the corner. He goes to the same one we do, but he's got his own little liquor cabinet that he opens up. He's got a key. Midori. Ooh. That Kona liqueur, dude.

Yeah, he drinks Kraken. Wow. He likes those weird... That rum? Yeah, that rum. He likes weird flavored liquors, dude. Slurricane. Let me have a madori crack it

he makes incredible hulks over there that drink is only for children right i don't yeah there's like a certain class of drinks that are for like hypnotic and and hennessy yeah no i mean i'm i like him i'm not a child i've that's debatable. Tell that to the rat. David, bring it up again. I'll find another hard wire to get cut through. You would drink an Incredible Hulk right now?

You would go to a bar and order an Incredible Hulk? I would go to a bar and order anything if it was okay. I'd love to. I would go to a bar and order a plane ticket, and I'd fly to LA and hang out with you. That's what I would do. And then on the plane, I would sneak Incredible Hulk's on. Next time you come down here,

I'm going to learn how to make Incredible Hulk's and that's what you're going to be drinking. You don't have to learn. Yeah, you get a bottle of Henrock in one hand, a bottle of Hypno in the other and pour him into the biggest cup at that crib. The hardest part is holding it up high. Into my mouth.

We skipped the cup. That's fine. I into my mouth we skip the cup that's fine he just sloshes it around spring break style yeah put in the cup that god gave me my stomach sharply you have a podcast of sports bullies that's right you've talked about it before on the afp but give people in case they haven't heard before give them a little briefing on it where they can find out how they can listen sure it's called sports bullies the game uh it is a very silly quote-unquote game uh it's pretty much just an interview set up in a for fake sports uh kind of bullshit uh we use we use sports jargon to ask people regular old questions uh we give a scouting

report on the guests at the top it's very very silly uh it's a lot of dumb improv and uh dumb being the crucial part of it you don't have to like sports uh it has nothing to do with sports but you do have to like comedy so perfect that's excellent and they can find it wherever podcasters sold that's right baby for free as hell listen to the sports bullies you bastards nice bastards hell yeah yeah dude i'm giving them a hard sell hard sell i like that thank you hey you fucking listen up you fucking pricks all right i've had enough of most out of most of you and i'll i'll come over to your house i'll ring your doorbell you'll go answer it and then i'll be at the back door kicking it in yeah tapping you on the shoulder like who's at the front door you turn around i'm standing right there dude i got a bottle of your ketchup and i'm

squirting it into your nicest liquor and then i'm shaking it up dude and i'm like drink it drink it you motherfucker and then you have to and then you have to sit there and drink this weird ketchup ketchup and jim beam concoction that I just made up. You're sitting there chugging it. And by the time you look back down from chugging, I'm in your shower taking a shower with your clothes on. I put your clothes on. That's why I've been losing the weight, so I can fit into your clothes. I'm taking a shower in your clothes.

Some of the ones, your mom said you couldn't get wet. The same reason you said you couldn't participate in the water balloon fight. My mom said I couldn't get wet the same reason you said you couldn't participate in the water balloon fight my mom said i couldn't get this outfit wet now i'm in your shower wearing those clothes taking a shower all right and you're like oh shit stop my mom said i couldn't get those wet i rip them off dude i'm wearing spandex and then i do a gymnastics floor routine right in front of you in your kitchen in the kitchen dude judges are there five tens bro they hold up five tens dude then i take one of them and i fucking chop your head off with it dog well done or you can listen to the sports bullies or you could listen to the

sports bullies or you can listen to the sports bullies you got two options the way i see it you could do that sure i mean it's up to you it's up to you it's your call my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on sleepy little kid jewish sleepy little kitty on a chair next to me who just did a real big yawn accompanied with a tiny little paw stretch so is it a little finger spreader it's very charismatic cat it's hard to take your eyes off him it's hard to off him. He's got a lot of little subtle moves. Yeah, so you can, you know, Jewish version of that cat.

Cat, K-A-T-Z. Yeah, I was kidding. K-A-T-Z. He is a Jewish cat. His name is Beetlejuice Schwartz, as my queen's last name was Schwartz, which is an unambiguously Jewish last name. I think we can all agree right here on this podcast.

Bush? Schwartz. Quite Jewish. Wait, did you ask if I'm Jewish? Yeah. Yeah, 100%. Permissive and everything. Wow. I had no idea. Sean, you just got punked again, dude. David's getting the look. Yeah, no, I'm

if you guys couldn't tell, I'm icy. I'm eating all of the food off of your plate. You keep going. I'm going to start pronouncing that G in your last name. Come with it. What do you feel about that? Come with it. I'm going to start calling you Gabori like I used to before you knew me,

and you let me do it a few times on stage, and it embarrasses me to this day. It's because you're dumb. David, instead of the first thing being like, it's actually not Gabori, he just let it ride for months. I'm 33 years old. Do you know how many dumb people I've had to be like, just say it.

But I'm one of the dumb people you like. I thought anyways until the rap fiasco. Yeah, before this rap fiasco. Before we had this rap fiasco. Ooh, the rap fiasco. That's your next album, dude. That's for sure. Sean Jordan and the rap fiasco oh man i saw them at uh t-gram ballroom i would see sean jordan in the rat fiasco i for sure would see that no nothing else about it

you know what so this is where we're coming up on a year of this quarantine situation. And I'm to the point where I have thought multiple times. I'm like, you could probably rap. I've thought it so many times during this. And I'm like, I bet if you tried, you could do it. That's really all that's keeping you out of the rap game is effort. You're right. Confidence and effort. Give it a try, dude a try dude no no i don't mean freestyle rap i just in my mind i'm like i think i could rap lay out lay a track down or something i think i could i think we should do

too thick i really do you've always had an aptitude for it clearly dude when i was like five years ago uh i asked my dad i was like do you think if I just gave up everything and practiced every day, like extremely hard, that I could make like a triple A baseball team? And he was like, absolutely not. There's no fucking way. And I died that day. I like officially that was it. That was like, oh, it sucked so bad. We do all hold on to that.

It's hard getting that harsh truth from your dad where you're like, oh, okay. All right, you're serious? At the time, I was like 33. I'm 5'5". I can't throw above 80 miles an hour. Like, there's not a fucking chance. I'm scared of the ball come on no i'll just stay away from the grounders but other than that yeah i remember we went to a

simulator in portland where you can pitch and in my mind i was like i'll be smoking 70 i might get up to 80 and it was like 31 i think it was probably the highest I got. And I mean, I was like, my shoulder hurts. Like, we left and I was like, I might. This is a rotator cuff. Do you know what a rotator cuff does? That thing was broken. Yeah, you can throw faster than 31. That thing was, you have to be able to throw faster.

Paris will know more. He was there, but yeah, it was low zach was there i think did anyone around you hit 50 or 60 i don't think so were you going like when you threw it or anything like that i had a buddy i've told you i had a buddy that at sleepovers he would when he was cuddling to sleep and you know he'd make he'd go like like that and we'd we'd all wake up and be like dog you can't who is he cuddling no no he would just make the sleep noise where he's getting comfortable you know like the cozy like but he would do it like that too yeah sleepovers what we did we had thick like mad sleepovers like 10 of us and then he would do that and i'm like

dog now i'm gonna be giggling for an hour now I'm not going to get my beauty sleep my bath in the morning is going to be ruined I'm barely going to be able to eat breakfast in there I imagine you were making a similar noise when you were throwing and that's why you were only going 31 miles an hour did the ball throw butterfly wings and like flutter into the mitt or are youle ball overhand keep going dave keep going another strip on that burger how did we get into all this oh basically yeah i think we all have those lies that we tell

ourselves as well we're like i just sort of just were to apply myself to it, I would. Yeah, for sure. It's all kinds of stuff. I kind of think this whole topic for the draft is that. It kind of is. That's an excellent segue. That's an excellent segue. Like, if I only would have applied myself into this direction, I probably would have been the fucking greatest at that.

I would think about that like with chess or painting every now and then. I'm like, I'm probably an amazing painter. And then every time I draw something it looks like it it looks like you would do it on a menu at a place that gives you paper menus and like 3 a.m drunk no i know what you mean dude i draw like i can't read. This is bold. I think if I would apply myself with the way I currently drive,

I think I'm a good driver. I think I could have driven NASCAR. If I would have had that goal when I was a child, I think I'm just naturally a good driver.

I think I could have done it. You think you could have been a NASCAR driver? I don't know. Yeah. I've never been in a

stock car. I don't know. That's why it's a bold statement. You know the stock car that's further along than most people do you like driving really fast does it scare you to go like super fast in the car no we went i think i went like 121 time and it was pretty gnarly but they go how fast they go do they go like 250 don't they go like crazy fast i have no idea i know it's like an endurance sport more than so it's not like whipping in and out of traffic isn't this it's like an endurance sport yeah it's like four hours of drive just love driving and i

i don't know you gotta piss in there yeah is that true you think i don't piss in cars i don't know it's as much turning as it is burning. Yeah. When I drove down to Los Angeles. You got to poop in there sometimes. That can't be true. If you were winning. Prove me wrong, Sharpie. If you were winning, you wouldn't pull over to take a crap. I'll tell you that. You'd poop your pants.

Wow. Everybody knows they poop their pants all the time. That's why they wear those jumpsuits. They wear those jumpsuits because they look cool, David. And because they poop in there. I thought it was because they didn't want to catch on fire they actually wear it so they won't masturbate while they're driving that's like a big it's a big nascar thing where they're like we need to we need to put a jumpsuit on these guys they're all beating off when they're driving when it first started they used to wear shorts and it was an issue yeah they were they started

calling them beat-off shorts and they're like can't be having these guys jacking off while they're driving it's just so long it's such a long ride yeah they're all horny little dogs that can't go four hours without busting a nut so they all they all crank one out in the middle of it and it's dangerous so they had they wear jumpsuits now a couple of them learned to have weird tantric orgasms just through like mental stimulation well the vibrations of the NASCAR, the stock car. The best ones, yeah. They say the intimidator was doing that when he crashed into that wall. Yeah.

You think Dick Trickle wasn't doing that the whole time? It's his name. They used to call him Richard Pastey because he was just, his whole car was covered. Sharpie, on the topic of sports still but do you remember when you found out Dick Butkus was a real name did you laugh did you think that was funny December 14th 1994 yeah I remember that was my whole childhood

for sure laughing at Dick Butkus none of the kids I told believed me I remember telling kids in elementary school and they're like there is not and I'm like there's a guy a famous guy named Dick Butkus and they were like there is not there sure'm like there's a guy a famous guy named dick butt kiss and they were like there is not there sure is that is a thing a weird kid at school tells you though that you try to like fact check with your mom yeah john says there's a guy named dick butt kiss i just have

my thermos of milk and i'm like you know there's a guy named dick buckets and i drink milk fresh from a bath. Excuse me, do you guys have any honey for my pizza? Wait, did you put honey on your pizza? No, I'm just thinking of weird kid shit. Talking about my dry skin when I'm in kindergarten. My skin feels so dry. Although, Colorado has mountain style pizza, and you do put honey on the crust.

Bojo's. I went to Bojo's recently, Chris. What's mountain style pizza? You got to go to Bojo's. It's the real thing. Bojo's doesn't sound like somewhere I want to go. Next time we go to Denver, next time we're all in Denver, which I think we all know the dates, yeah, we'll get some Bojo's. And you'll try it.

You put honey on the crust it's amazing it's the only colorado style pizza it's their life it's their own thing it's cool all right i'm just gonna buy it i'll wait to find out about it i'll wait to find out about it it's worth the wait what were we talking about before we were talking about getting bojos i don't know i'm just having a good time with you david was running up his fucking i'm gonna beat his ass bill dog i got three jobs run it up run it up you got three jobs you think you could buy some martinis on it i'll pay chris's tab too hey thanks do any of those jobs give you money that would purchase uh new mic cables for you oh shit lit them up lit them up lit them up

y'all hear that i lit them up did you hear that did you hear that david i let you up david stop crying i let you up put your pants put your pants back on why are you wearing a cape right now because i'm cold i lit you up don't divert because i'm cold ask me i said keep it moving you remember did you guys ever go through a phase where you thought you were a coward if you put a blanket on i used to think like if you put a blanket on i used to think if you put a blanket on anytime that you weren't in bed trying to go to sleep that you were a coward like if it was cold at the crib and you put a blanket on like man you're soft i don't need a blanket no david i'd be i'd bet dollars to donuts that you felt that way at some point.

David, I'm looking right at you. No, I'm thinking right now. I don't think I ever wear blankets outside of bed. I'm saying it because I have a weighted blanket, though, because I sleep like a freak. That's called a bulletproof vest. I have one, too. I also have a weighted vest or a weighted. You got me right while I was saying it messed up my brain around

with free weights hanging off how do you like it it's great right i like it i i like it as i'm falling asleep obviously helps me fall asleep and i never wake up with it on my body so apparently during my sleep i'm like fuck this you like whip it off yeah sharpie hates it that's what you get it for though is for the falling asleep yeah and i do like that yeah how heavy is yours i got the heaviest one because i'm a big guy i want to i want to i like you know what i mean i need to be restrained i fall asleep with a weighted blank man that's how i fall asleep just damon wayans in there yeah tell him to go to sleep uh now the reason we're gathered here today is not to briefly remember the movie blank man starring damon wayans but also to fantasy draft things not the movies too well i mean we'll see but things we would have come up with had had they not been come up with already what how i think that's good

yeah yeah that's good songs we would have written eventually let's not keep it to those three though but it was those three that we was the prompt i don't think it was in the text was it well one time and i i maybe this is why they made that mistake that's no no that's how the text was and maybe correct me if i'm wrong david but maybe this is why they call that mistake. That's true. That's how the text was. And maybe correct me if I'm wrong, David, but maybe this is why they call it window pain because David sometimes likes to go out. He likes to go outside the box and we drafted fast food items one time and he picked a ball pit, which is not a fast food item.

That's right. So, you know what I'm going to pick first, the death of your enemy. You need to kill a rat for me. That's nice. I appreciate it. No,

no, no. That's you have to do that yourself to become a man yeah well damn you you pulled my e-brake on that one i didn't know what to say do you hear me freeze up someone threw you threw a stick in my spokes i don't know what to do threw a stick in my spokes. I didn't know what to do. Oh, totally busted. You cut my hard line. I didn't know what to do. That was wild.

Oh, man. Oh, he kissed you right on the lips. Right on the goodnight button. Hit me on the goodnight button, dude. Oh. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you. We throw and shoot. Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, Sharpie wins! Sharpie! Sharpie, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what does that mean? That's a a great question should we let the rat explain yeah i mean oh marissa laughed even now marissa's on it he does on the house so

now we all are in on the rat joke now that marissa's giggled i was taking my coffee on the lawn the other day and i saw a squirrel is that because the now that Marissa's giggled. I was taking my coffee on the lawn the other day and I saw a squirrel. Is that because the rat kicked you out of the house? All day. All day we got it, huh? Because you know after this I still have to live in the house

that the rat lives in. Was it a squirrel or was it a rat wearing a fur coat because it was siphoning funds from your bank account? Yo, I bet the rat has cable. He said they're watching HBO Max. He's got a little space heater going. He's just drinking cappuccino watching Marvelous Ms. Maisel.

There's just a tiny little blue Hyundai parked where I normally park my bigger blue hyundai this is my what the fuck this is my spot there's a uh excuse me laura why is there a tiny tiny tiny little blue hyundai where i normally park my human-sized hyundai and she goes i don't know that's maybe someone parked in your spot definitely without my permission but it's neither here nor there i was taking my coffee on the lawn and i saw a squirrel at the top of a tree searching for a nut i can only assume and it went down a little bit and then went to the left of the tree did not find anything as it is the dead of winter and we just had an ice storm then i think it saw it

it thought it saw a nut on the right side so it ran across to the right side of the tree and didn't find anything went down a little bit and then went back over to the left side thinking maybe it left a part unchecked of the top of that tree still came off empty-handed so went down a little bit and then back over to the right searching for a nut didn't find any until uh just reached the ground but essentially just went back and forth searching the whole tree for a nut and that i think perfectly explains what a serpentine draft is uh could be wrong but I don't think I am. Sorry, go ahead, David. I was just going to say, it's weird that squirrel was looking so hard to fuck.

Trying to get a nut. Oh, the nut thing? Yeah. Why don't you stick to rat humor? I guess that's all you're good at anymore. Got him. Go ahead, Ian. I'll tell some rat jokes on TV next week, huh?

Oh, shit. I wouldn't worry about it. You know what that's like, Sean? Got him. I'll tell some rat jokes on TV next week oh shit I wouldn't worry about it you know what that's like Sean got him next with that in mind Sharpie what will the order of today's draft be let's go me

Sean David Ian hot corner Sharpie Sean David Ian now that is the order between Sharpie, Sean, David, Ian. Now that is the order between Sharpie has the first pick. Sharpie, Sean, David, Ian. And we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35.

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podcast that has ever existed except of course for the sports bullies featuring chris charpentier uh and also it's not a it's not a podcast exactly it's not a podcast exactly but another form of media is the album brain thoughts by chris charpentier which you can get on apple music spotify or wherever else you listen to your label mates dude sharpie and i are both on shady aftermath it's unreleased Shady Records was 80 seconds away from the towers ain't gonna be nothing after that alright

it's the millennium of after naps after naps? after naps is my label that's Beetlejuice right there me and Beetlejuice started a label called After Naps and we'll put out your we'll put out your album dude he's a sleepy he's a sleepy little kitty after naps records now he's on the floor now he's on the floor for no reason still napping yeah this is the millennium of after naps it ain't

gonna be nothing after that except maybe one more platinum nap fuck that you can take naps nope you can never have them back see dude i could lace it i could absolutely wrap that what you that's what made you think you could wrap david that was right that was wrapped david that was rapping that wasn't even that wasn't even slam poetry dog play that that. That was what they call cold rhyming, dude. I will hear nothing else. It was cold. As cold as hell.

I think I might have bodied someone there. I can't be sure, but I think I bodied someone. Somebody got bodied. I'm not bodying somebody in your house. Somebody got bodied. I was just going to say I would play contact basketball but I don't like it when you touch my body contact basketball

I normally play no contact basketball do you guys wanna play two hand touch basketball crazy that you can make your voice sound damp that is a damp voice that's who that voice is two-hand touch basketball. Crazy that you can make your voice sound damp. That is a damp voice. That's who that voice is.

I have this game I play with all my dinner guests. It's called Rub the Lotion. I hate it. It's so funny. God, that'd be funny. Do you guys want to play Lotion? Just play a game called lotion hey Steve you want to play lotion I'm still certain if we were children together my mom wouldn't have let me play at your house

yeah I'd be like no more no more of that David and Ian and that Chris fella what'd you do at Sean's house? Well, we played lotion and then he took a bath. Yeah, I don't like them. They don't finish all their sentences. I don't want them coming over. No, I didn't eat any vegetables.

My uncle's asleep. Do you want to play lotion? Damn. what are you doing you have the first pick damn that really got me hurt my face okay so this whole topic came up of this one thing because it is both a movie and a book.

But I'm going to go with the movie version because it is what I saw first. But No Country for Old Men. Oh, wow. I would have written that eventually. That's like perfect. Yeah, it's perfect. It's what I would have done. I've always wanted a modern Western western i had no idea it existed and then that like existed as a book

and then i saw the movie and was like oh that was perfect it was perfect i would have done that it was a perfect movie and then somebody was like you should read the book it's exactly the same it's perfect it's perfect it's what i would have done eventually you know someone told me to read a book one time and i shot him with a pneumatic cattle gun yeah i guess it wasn't the rat who told you to enrich yourself shit he wants to keep you subjugated david why don't you go outside got him let's keep going got him got him so good sharpie did you hear I was like, David, why don't you go outside? I heard him. That was great. Stand in the street.

Dead meat. Put off that dead meat. You hung him out to dry, man. Sorry, Dave. I hate to do it to you, David, but you called down the thunder, homeboy. I had it coming. I had it coming. What's your favorite part of No Country, Sharpie?

Oh, shit. It's tough, huh? Favorite part of the whole thing? Yeah, because it's definitely... So, Cohen's like, just the script and verbiage and everything. Vernacular is always so perfect. Just the script and verbiage and everything. Vernacular is always so perfect.

Ian's walking with his computer, so it looks like he's on that old MTV show, Fear, that had the chest cam. I was worried he was yelling that out the window. Hold on, I gotta go handle the neighborhood real quick. Juice! Keep it moving! I think we're witnessing the end of After Naps Records.

He's the business partner. What you gonna call that bullshit? After Naps. Juice! Yeah, dude. I'm handling my neighborhood thank you man everybody's thinking it so i'm i'm glad now the coen brothers joel ethan coen juice anyway yeah um let's see i think uh hmm i really love the scene of that uh with the bad dude whatever his name is who the penis yeah with a penis that's what call that a penis and the bad dude and uh anton chigurh that's it there we go anton chigurh is a weird let me pause it for a second so you're coming up

with it yeah you couldn't remember anton chigurh's name no that could have been anybody yes what would you have named the guy that's something similar to Anton Chigurh what's a name like Anton Chigurh well I would have not done anything like Anton Chigurh he would have had a totally different name but it would have been the same thing but his name would have been something like Tony Feelings that's the second

spit take to the show the way you said Tony Feelings Ha ha ha! That's the second spit take of the show. I almost spilled the coil. The way you said Tony Feelings. I'd be scared of a dude named Tony Feelings coming after me. He looks kind of like Jack Skellington, but he's got that gun. Yeah, yeah. But the part with him and that old man in that grocery store is crazy. I love it where he flips the coin.

Or not that grocery, gas station. love it where um or not that gas station yeah yeah yeah i would have called them belmont hamburger but hamburger there's no vowels in the second half of hamburger it's h-a-m-b-r-g-r hamburger that's interesting that's i i thought something similar i would have named him the Hamburglar. That is similar. The Hamburglar. Belmont Hamburger. Well, normally the waiter doesn't tell me their last name, but Belmont Hamburger is real thorough, so it's fun. You just talked yourself up from 15 to 20% on that tip, Belmont.

I love that part in No Country where Josh Brolin's laying in bed. What does he say? He's just like, well, all right. Well, he realizes he has to go get the money. All right, then. Yep, all right, then. All right, then. There's that part with, what is it, Benson Hamburger? What is it?

Belmont Hamburger. Belmont. There's that part with Belmont hamburger. You mean Tony feelings, Tony feelings and Judy Carolson, where they're sitting in there where he like, what he's trying to talk his way out of Anton Merkin him. And you just see what he go through all these emotions.

And Anton just sitting there like, all you're doing is talking well you know I'm gonna do it and Woody's just coming to terms with it that's my favorite part where it's just like oh man it makes you feel like the closest you can feel to that feeling of like with someone sitting there knowing that there's no way out

and you're just like that poor guy well that's why they call him Tony Feelings man yeah I got an ironic name he gins up those feelings Poor guy. Well, that's why they call him Tony Feelings, man. Yeah. He's got that. I like that ironic name. He gins up those feelings. Well, I hope you do. I hope you fucking write No Country for Old Men.

Thank you. Is that MacArthur Genius Grant? Hell yeah. No Country for Old Men 2. Yeah. That's the sequel. Back in the habit. Older, badder.

older, badder Sean, I assume you're about to pick something like Stuart Little or perhaps Ratatouille what do you think you could have because he does love rats you want to see something where the rat wins David, I think you spelled LSU wrong on your shirt, got him Yeah. You want to see someone where the rat wins? David, I think you spelled LSU wrong on your shirt. Got him.

All right. This is my time to pick. Roasted. You're right. I spell this stuff on my shirt. That's a verbal fire emoji for you right there, bro. I'll come back from that. Sean, what's your first pick?

I'm going. I think I would have written a song. And that song is by Bobby McFerrin And it's called Don't Worry Be Happy Oh nice dude Oh yeah I believe you're right Yeah I believe that as well Yeah I believe that at some point

Cause it's not a ton of lyrics in that song I don't know if you guys Jumped into that pool in a while But it's not really laced Like all the beats. I don't know if you guys jumped into that pool in a while, but it's not really laced like all the beats that I'm going to put out on Shady Afternap. Thank you. It's a real simple one, and it's something that I probably accidentally would have just pieced together at some point.

You know? Like, don't worry, be happy. Here's a little song I wrote. Yeah, I could very much see you writing a song that starts with, here's a little song I wrote. Yeah, just like, what's you writing a song that starts with, here's a little song I wrote. Yeah, just let, like, what's the first line going to be? I should tell them what I'm doing. Yeah.

Or what I did at this point. Here's a little song I wrote. And even also being like, you might want to sing it. Note for note. Don't worry. Why? Be happy. Don't worry, Be happy now.

That was my first favorite song. I believe that. That's a great song. As a kid, as a tiny little kid, I fucking loved that song. Here's something I've never fact-checked. I noticed this now, being with Laura for quite some time, that I fact-checked that. Trust me. Check that, my friend uh i he used to be a professor at u of m but i've never i don't know where i know it i don't know how i know that

but i think i know that so and i've never checked like jazz historian and music professor or something like that something like that but i think he taught at u of m in minneapolis the gophers you know fuck them go yo it's pre that song or post that song post oh yeah wow that song got him in the game yeah yeah he was just trying to become in the teaching game he's just trying to get to be a professor man there's only two ways out song or be a professor it's like when people do stand up to be a writer that's right he's like oh no i'm just trying to teach i wasn't even trying to do that and it somehow happened to me anyway oh you got a wonka bar what looks like he's got a golden ticket what is that oh oh

shout out shout out to uh the the steven smith tea maker in portland oregon this is a full leaf roasted green tea ho ho hoji chai from uh from their seasonal collection blend number 31 stephen smith a tea maker not stephen a smith basketball that's right and sports aficionado now you've got it yeah what it says is for a moment of true delight we bring you this toasty blend of hojicha and traditional chai spices with a happy hint of chocolate very caffeinated it's brimming with good cheer that is my secret verse on don't worry be happy that no one's ever heard might have to let that get don't worry yeah don't worry be happy would you have done the now that song is like all acapella right yeah would you have done the... Now, that song is like all acapella, right? Yeah. Would you have done that part too?

Could you give us an acapella bass line? Pardon my ignorance. Wait, what do you mean it's all acapella? I think Bobby McFerrin did all the... I don't think there's any instruments on that song. I think it's all... Seriously, I didn't look it up or anything. Are you serious?

I didn't know that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure That is dank That is dank Y'all know that I had no I had never heard that Whoa No I probably would have had to cheat and use instruments

Like a musician I maybe would have tried to do it acapella But let's hear it I'd do it again No acapella but let's hear it and i'd do it again no got it i would have done it acapella yeah Yeah, man. Absolutely. I'm fucking sold. Hell yeah, dude. All right. Don't worry. Be happy. David, time for your first pick.

The recipe for chicken fried steak. Okay. I knew it was going to be ridiculous. I thought you were going to say like a TV show or something. I'd be like, that could maybe slide. The recipe. I'm fine with it. I would have figured it out. I'm surprised it wasn't

me. I would have figured it out. The people want what they want and that's what they want. Nobody knew they wanted that until just now. I don't care. I've done all this stuff. I would have put two and two together. I would have, I think I really would have figured, like drop me in

1920 or whatever. I would have been like, just like by nature of what I'm would have figured it. Like, drop me in 1920 or whatever. I would have been, like, just, like, by nature of what I'm doing in the world. I would have figured that out quick. Quick. Yeah. I think I thought about it before I knew that it was a thing. Chicken fried steak? Yeah.

Fried beef. Yeah. You do want that fried stuff on everything yeah man like i just would have i think i totally would have figured that out completely you would have smothered it in gravy on your own i would have i would have pounded it i would have tried it i would have tried it it would have gone terribly because you would have not pounded it the first time yeah then i would have got a thinner strip and i would have pounded it with a mallet and i would yeah i think i i really think i like i would have figured that out i don't doubt that you would have it doesn't bump you at all that it's not like music movie or

like tv show i have some of those on there i have some of those on on here but that was the first thing that came to my head that was the exact text message that we all i don't think so reread the text i'm finding it right now i'm so thoroughly convinced you would have invented chicken fried steak that i'm gonna allow it oh yeah it is movies books songs yeah i just went that like stuff i would have invented yeah it doesn't say recipes on there anywhere that i can see unless it's the recipe for a movie or a song maybe if you could think outside the box you'd figure out how to kill that fucking rat maybe with cut her again cut her again

maybe what you need is some original thought don't worry be happy let that rat ruin your life here's something else here's something else david would have written a book to follow all the rules got him go for it have you read a book you're telling me about books you know i haven't read books dude i'll be rabid you all say what i can't do you know i don't read books go for it got him

that rat did fuck my girl no i have boobies books and i can i can pick another one though no no well i'll chicken fried steak absolutely i would have done it i would have done it it's hard to imagine a world where that didn't exist how did that not how was that not the invented simultaneously i don't know i feel like once you started doing one you would start doing the other but fried chicken was around and so prominent that they were like we can't just call this fried beef or give it its own name like a belmont hamburger or whatever hamburger that's what i'm calling it from now on hamburger for sure i'm sorry i don't see belmont hamburger on your menu can you guys remember that well yes sir we don't normally give uh we don't

normally put sandpaper hand jobs on the menu but if you want a belmont hamburger come come on this chicken fried steak sounds suspiciously close to a Belmont handjob. Are they similar or not? Can I call him Sandpaper Handjobs? Is that my villain? That's your Bobby McFerrin name, dude. It's not your hero. Who wrote that? Sandpaper Handjobs. We don't ever say it out loud.

It's Sully's The Song. Sandpaper hand jobs. Do you, bitch? Chicken fried steak. All right, I'll buy it. And I would buy it, too. Yeah. Had I, man, had I started, had I started, had I invented chicken fried steak, let's just say this wouldn't be an LSU t-shirt I'd be wearing.

It'd be a Columbia t-shirt. That's right now you guys have all i'm it's time for my first the second pick since it is a serpentine draft you guys went uh with like i i think like impress like impressive stuff that you would have invented i like i kind of was just like beef i know but it's impressive and broke the rules while he was doing it you're gonna cry about it go tell the rat i don't know if i'm underestimating myself or i'm just being ultra realistic but my first pick is i think i eventually could have gotten just the vocals to that song rock and roll part two by gary glitter now how how does it go just the vocals just the. I couldn't have come.

Hey! I couldn't have done that part, but I could have done the hey! Hey! Now, Gary Glitter is a pedophile, and we're not going to count that. That's not the point. That's not what I'm saying. But I'm saying I could have figured out those lyrics. I could have gotten there. If they would have dropped off the audio track

only to me ian carmel said ian come up with some lyrics for this and you gave me like 24 hours i probably could have given you back rock and roll part two exactly the way you hear it now at stadiums all over the world and in the movie the joker that's a great pick dude i could i feel like i could have nailed it i really there's even some like he gets kind of weird like there's like is one of the haze i could have done that i believe you yes yes variations on the word hey i definitely would have invented that at some point you could have done it too. I think that. So that's my first pick.

And then my second pick is the HBO series Ballers. Oh, you could have written Ballers for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I think that. Yeah. You really could have written Ballers. I firmly believe somebody stole your written version of a show called Ballers and just made it didn't give you any credit like on a cocktail napkin yeah

i was like entourage football question mark and then a picture of the rock next to a monster truck yeah all the ingredients were there for me i played enough football not a lot but enough football i played enough football i've seen every episode of entourage several times and that's all you really need to have made ballers yeah i mean say you know since we're going there entourage was definitely on my list that was i i didn't i didn't have the football knowledge for ballers but i was like yeah i would have i don't know if we would i don't know if we would have made entourage i don't know if we would have made entourage but ballers is just entourage with football we definitely could have made that yeah the one piece i didn't have and that i would have

had to like this we would have had to figure out like once i started bringing in collaborators is the vests the rock war i don't think the vest i don't think the tailor knew they had that until they had that they were like oh a hidden skill i had no idea it's when you find out you can flip a pancake perfectly or something i don't like that look also by the way it's terrible on dwayne i'll tell you your jacket on dwayne can do it it's like a half a suit I think it looks stupid Nothing about that is half of anything I think it looks even dumber When they put the jacket on

In my opinion A three-piece suit What are you doing? You're already dressed up so much I think it looks stupid with a shirt on Also, it's Miami This is linen country Wait, skirt? What?

I think a vest looks stupid with a shirt under it. I don't even know. Vest, suit jacket, shorts. I don't know how to address that. That's a good look. Doc Martin. I'm anti-vest in general, though.

I think vests are dumb. What about like a bubble vest? Even that is like, get a full jacket. Get some sleeves on there. I got one. It's sitting in my closet. Never worn. Exactly.

You always think it's going to be whatever, and then you're out fishing wearing a vest, and you're like, no, I need a jacket. I asked for a bunch of Tommy Hily hillfiger stuff for christmas one year and my grandpa got me a bright green bubble vest bright green with a tommy logo on the back of it the size of like a yearbook it was huge and then i just looked i was like look this isn't i can't pull this off grandfather and i took it back and it was like $130. Tommy, dude. I was 12, probably.

You said that wearing your No Justice, No Peace, Africa cross-colored shirt? Grandpa, I could never. This is silly. Grandpa, you crazy bald head. Me no can pull this off. I and I cannot pull this off. Who did you think I am, grandpa?

Crazy bald head. Me no wear this. You're an orange jabots. What do you think i am grandpa crazy balden we don't wear this orange jabones what do you think about me griff you think i'm some kind of fucking wacky duck out here wearing stuff i can't wear i know that my waist size is 24 and i'm wearing turquoise size 38 cross colors which i shouldn't be wearing for reasons i can't understand yet i just like it because tlc wears them and i don't know what condoms are i cannot wear this tommy hill figure bubble goose vest i will get made fun of grandfather ballers i think i definitely oh man left my own devices probably eventually would have would have invented ballers i i i'm i've never been so sure of anything yeah that's absolutely uh david time for your second pick uh because i got high afro man

oh yeah that's a good one absolutely like i i i all that stuff and then singing for sure i've i've just been doing that in the house all the time. I was gonna clean my room. Like it would have taken maybe all verses together. It would be like Mr. Holland's opus. It would take me a lifetime. But then on my deathbed as I die

I sing the whole song word for word. Do you know what part you finally what the last part you've come up with is? Now I'm jagging off. Exactly. On your deathbed, that's how you die. My family is gathered. They're gathered around the bed.

It's like more the passing of their patriarch. He wants to say something. He wants to say something. He wants to say something. He's trying to talk. Get it out, Grandpa. Get it out, Grandpa. Now I'm taking off, and I know why. Hey!

It was truly one of the first songs i've ever heard where i've like i was like i've done everything yeah i've done every and this word for word like because you know as a kid you were so much stuff you listen to that you don't actually relate to but that one yeah that one that a lot of that whole album i was like yep chapter reverse you could have done colt 45 as well yeah i think so at some point i could have done palmdale ah maybe i couldn't have done that mississippi song which i did love as well but uh and i forgot about colt 45 awesome. Yeah. You guys don't remember the Mississippi song? I don't think I do. Please take me back home to Missy Crook-A-Letter, Crook-A-Letter,

humpback, humpback, Afro man's a bomb, bump that. No. That sounds dope, though. Oh, yeah. That was great. You guys didn't have the album. You just had the CD. I will admit, I did not have the full Afro man album.

I did wait for it because I had it come on the radio. Yeah, I yeah i feel it no i had the album because i heard the song and i was like i gotta i gotta i gotta dig in you're part of the reason i saw afro man in first class on a flight what he was dressed like he's a pimp now i guess it's a turn yeah i mean who hasn't been down that road for a little while yeah a while you know it was the 90s and he was older older than you think yeah doesn't isn't there like a lot of white like that afro turned real frederick douglas yeah yeah yeah yeah which also his his he's the Frederick Douglass of pimps. A lot of people have called him that. He calls himself that.

That's what it said on his glittery green attaché case that he had in the overhead compartment. He's an abolitionist. Damn. Yeah, because I mean, there's not much else to say. I assume we've all heard that song. Absolutely. It's a great pick.

Sean, time for your next pick. There's a movie I'm positive would have written, and that movie is called The Karate Kid. Oh, wow. But like if that never would have came out, that is what I would have. That was my trajectory as far until I found skateboarding. That's what i was gonna do i was gonna be like i guess i'm just gonna do karate and never get paid and then get a job somewhere it would have been called taekwondo boy but d-o-u-g-h yeah taekwondo boy dude

taekwondo boy this is tai this is kwan this is dough boy that's the writer's room yeah that was like every kid's fantasy to be like oh yeah so everyone here thinks karate's cool dope that's yeah awesome i want to write that world jack Jack on, jack off. Jack on, jack off. Adult humor. We were at the same writer's retreat. That would have been the director's cut. Did nobody think that karate was cool when you were doing it? No.

I didn't know that. The other people in it did. I did not know that. I've told you this. I had a jacket that said Sioux Falls Black Belt School on it with an open mouth tiger printed on it. I used to wear it.

I was in like third grade. I was. Every bully would see it. You see how his eyes lit up? He did get thirsty. It said Sioux Falls Black Belt School. So I'll paint it. Have I never told you guys? Were you wearing that with the turquoise pants?

Check the whole kit. I'll give you the whole kit. You should have lived in a locker. I don't know the kicks. This is before, like properly before that, I had on, so Zach Morris was my idol. So the closest I could get to like what he used to wear i'd get pleated dockers like old old out of touch old person pants i'd get

pleated dockers i would tuck in whatever shirt i had this is like third fourth grade and then i had my jacket which is like one of those um high school football coach sort of has snaps on it by a vinyl jacket what yeah like are they called vinyl or sat satin satin jacket like a security jacket well not a windbreaker but not a letterman like right in the middle uh jacket yeah okay one of those and it was it said check this it said in cursive on right over my left breast mr sean it was stitched in said mr sean because we used to call each other mr whatever and on the back it was a circle logo this is all screen printed so it wasn't a circle logo it said sioux falls black belt school very you could easily see what it said so there was no like does that say sioux falls black belt school it definitely did and then a

tiger profile going like a roaring tiger yeah and i would just wear that to school and yeah anybody who saw it who like sharpie just did where they were just like oh what a mark and they you know i love that it said mr sean that's like the mr sean yeah black belt school might as well just been a target on right on the middle of your back there yeah yeah it was um come on it was unfortunate i think it sounds kind of cool man it does sound cool now as an adult yeah it's cool now if i had a jacket now that said mr sean with sioux falls black belt school on the bag be stoked that's a shitty little bully that i was for sure i would have put my knee right in the middle of your back now just imagine if i walked like if i walked into a pep rally and they're like oh snap mr sean's here now it can go off or like mr sean walking into the keg or dude

a black belt just got here y'all ready to party mr sean's here the delegate from sioux falls black belt school is here. Now we can start. Oh, man. You should recreate that. I'm going to go to a screen printer and recreate that because now it's cool. Dude, I got a P.O. Box. I'm a large. If someone wants to hook that up, hook it up. Mr. Sean, Sioux Falls Black Belt

School. I'll wear it to the skate park and just get clowned up for a different reason because they're like you're good at skating why do you have that whack jacket on now we think you're a dork sioux falls black belt school dude no way they'd respect you immediately what are you talking about then it would be a welcome change from the previous time i wore that jacket uh the karate kid you would make but i think you would call it Mr. Sean's Black Belt School. Mr. Sean Sioux Falls Black Belt School. He moved from Dogpatch to...

Whiskey Flats to North Cliff. Sean, it'd be time for your second and third picks. Now, this one I'm going to say it's got an asterisk next to it. Just, I'll explain. But Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys. Okay. I could see you writing that. I would have.

I'm going to say I would have had a verse in there because I would have a whole crew. It's not just one guy, you know, so there'd be a whole crew. Was it called the Beastie Boy? That's correct. And I also it wouldn't be good. I need to mention that. What me and my crew come up with would not have been good, but it would have been a hip hop song about like an old West version of a hip hop song.

Whatever they tried to do, you know, where they go in and punch the piano player in the face and the whole thing and they grab the beer and get out on the horse. I would have come up with some dumb shit like that in a terrible rap for sure me and my dumb friends when we were at our peak dumb meaning like not very clueless to what we i would have tried to rap uh for some reason off of fresh off of beating me up in my cool for sure sioux falls black belt school jacket exactly him as horsey and a quart of beer. Yeah. That's right. And I would have tried to come up with some sort of new hip hop country song. That's what I would have done.

And that's what it would have not been good. I need to stress that. That's important. But I would have come up with something like Paul Revere. I love it. So that's that one. Pretty simple. And then another simple Yeah, absolutely. So that's that one. Pretty simple. And then another simple one, at least for me,

this is just somewhat along the same lines, Kokomo by the Beach Boys. Oh! I can't sing, so you can't ask me to do it, but I feel like I could have written something like that. That song sucks. It's stupid. It's like dumb as hell,

but it's really fun. And I feel like somebody who was, I feel like it's a boring move. You're just walking around the house, writing that song accident. Somebody accidentally wrote that song. There's no way that I can say this in a way that I will not get made fun of, but it has to be said.

That song was the first song that made me feel like sex before i knew what sex was that's awesome because i was a child i was i was like a like a third grader but i the feeling now that like a sexy song gives me where i'm like damn i want to i want to sex to that that song gave me that feeling before i knew what that feeling was kokomo did yeah i want a sense to that and i didn't know what that feeling was but i was like well this is a different vibe there's a place called kokomo bodies in the sand yeah that song that i guess it made me horny before i knew what horny was wow that's cool get away from it all yeah man they were my first concert

the beach boys yeah at my life stadium on the kokomo tour i haven't it was the cool 105 all these uh whatever their concert was called did Did they sing Kokomo at it? I'm sure they did. I don't remember, but they had to have, man. Sharpa was on so much LSD that he can't quite be sure. Pretty sure I was like four, but maybe. Oh, what are you, a coward? Got him.

Anyone of us could come up with Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I want to take you. Exactly. That's what i'm saying and the like realistic kind of thing i feel like i could write a dumb song kind of like this bermuda bahamas come on pretty mama yeah yeah exactly naming places is kokomo and i might be an asshole is kokomo real i was just gonna say that because i don't know i've never checked no real there's a city in indiana called kokomo that's not the same that zach's family owns a small piece over something like that is that true yeah total zach story they got a grenade factory i don't know this they got a grenade factory in kokomo no my family runs a grenade factory in

kokomo that's why kokomo's not a real place. I've never looked it up. I just assumed it was. You think they just wrote it because it rhymed then? I don't know how they came up with the Kokomo. I think one of them was pretty horny and that's what came out. It's kind of crazy.

Oh man. I love the idea of you and your weird little clothes being like you. My weird little clothes? Absolutely. He's in the sand. Just like strut around the playground and be like, what's up? You guys feel weird?

Wait. His pants feel too tight. Kokomo was on the radio. I'm feeling good. You got a new tape deck? There's a Kokomo, Indiana. Kokomo, Arkansas. There's a Kokomo, Hawaii.

But the song describes a fictional Kokomo as a place off the Florida Keys. Shit. Wow. Since been used by resorts in Sandals Key, Jamaica, Fiji, and Grassy Key, Florida. The song also mentions many island locales. This we know. Damn, I want to go to Fiji.

Fiji would be fun, dude. Find out where they bottle all that water, dude, and then leave immediately. That would be amazing. Go and take a dump there. Dump everybody's water. Top deck. Top deck Fiji. Whoa. Sharpie's crazy for this one.

Upper deck the Fiji factory. That's got to be a Lion in a Rap song. Someone has to use it if they haven't. It has to be in there. It's in Sharpie's verse of Paul Revere, dude. Oh, my god. We up a deck the Fiji factory. Good beastie boy.

Thank you. Sean, time for your third pick, dude. Fucking Scalawag. Going to the world of song. And I think if I played this video game enough, I was very good at it. And I think I would played this video game enough, I was very good at it. And I think I would have eventually gone to a tournament to compete playing this video game, like an eSports type thing. If nobody had written this song yet, I think at the beginning of this tournament, I would have naturally written this song.

And it's the Mortal Kombat theme. I think I would have just screamed Mortal Kombat when the tournament started. And then just been in my head be like, how's it go? Someone's like, what are you doing? And I just look at him. I go, Mortal Kombat. And then I just start. And then I ice everybody with my Sioux Falls Black Belt school jacket. I don't mean to quibble.

You said you would come up with it from you singing it just then it doesn't sound like you know what it sounds like the version that i'm talking about like the jock jams version how do you think it goes it just screams mortal combat and then it's instrumental right how does the metal go that's what i'm talking about am i am i out of key mortal combat and then it just kind of repeats that and then it has sounds that i can't do where it's like a longer one i don't know i know the song i i could possibly be doing it let me repeat back to you what you're doing, and you tell me if it sounds right. It kind of sounds like the Matrix music when you're doing it that way.

Well, however the song goes, I think I would have thought of it at a Mortal Kombat tournament. Absolutely. Is it like that? It is like that. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I got a keen ear, not a keen voice. I think I didn't come up with the Mortal Kombat theme, dude.

And you come up with screaming it, and we work together. You just ratted you. I don't know if we can ever join picks like that. I'd definitely be screaming it that's the main part of the song i'm focusing on is the screaming it at the beginning of the tournament you're at the tournament you're like mortal kombat is the tournament called mortal kombat or are you just is it dawning on you that people are gonna die here yeah that's yeah it's like a realization more of a more than like a declaration i think it's just fresh in my mind because i've seen the trailer for the movie like way more than anyone

thinks i have which they fucking better have the song in the movie they will that better they will it wasn't in the trailer i know i know wait there's a new one coming out chris sorry sorry to get harsh bs chris sorry i'm yeah i'm not hip to watch the trailer dude it looks to the new media though if you can for those out there who can't get past themselves and admit that this movie looks fun then i i don't know what to say to you uh you're lost but this movie looks very fun it's going to be rad. Would be a word I'd use to describe it. And I'm very excited for it. So that's why I thought of this pick. Would you have thought of the test your might and saying the characters or would you have said other stuff in there?

Well, you know what? He's like, test your might in the background. Well, that's when they're like breaking things, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think I would have said finish him off would be finish him off that would have been worse finish him no i mean it's kind of it's kind of perfect finish him the song would have then had like a second life at like gay clubs though you know what i mean for the entendre yeah i suppose

i could have worked in like dank and buck somehow if i'm really if it's really coming out of me it's dank and buck that would be so funny get buck like instead of finish him it just says get buck and like that's they're like all right get buck and then they rip their spine out that is buck as fuck dude that's dude if that though if that no it's dank for the person ripping the spine out i'll tell you that i can't think of much danker than if your goal is to best somebody in mortal combat and you do by ripping their spine out pretty dank but then you got to live with how you rip someone's spine out for the rest of your life the mental toll that would take you've been doing things for a while that's not

the first that's not your first black mark on your soul so big bear doing things all right yeah the mortal combat song all right david time for your third pick by third pick i think this is like when i was a kid i was always like i don't do it as much now because it was sort of like a bad habit i do it in front of people a lot but i would just like sing a lot like if i wasn't like like if i was thinking i'd just be like and it would be words but it wouldn't be ever specific i think i would have wrote i'm Blue by Eiffel 65. Oh! You sing like... It's just like... That's like what... That's like how my head is

if I'm like working or something. I'm like usually like... Kind of like... And I'm on the computer and I'm typing an email gonna send it out. You know what I mean? Like the whole thing

I think I would have done. And just like how it's so simple. Like Blue Hayes house with a blue little window and then i sent it the email yeah it's just like very much like the the the pattern is very much the way that i think when i'm not thinking you know what i mean just that that rhythm is so like it's just like i thought things of that rhythm before that song ever came out yeah i mean and the words are so simple and i yeah i just think and like the way it's like in the middle it doesn't really say anything but you can make it say whatever you want i think i would have done that it's funny because it's another pick much like uh don't worry be happy that a song that

starts with yo listen up to a story it like tells you what it is before yeah and you say yo all the time that would have i bet you've said that to me before yo listen up and it's just like and it's just yeah and just like that simple rapping i do that like a lot just to like busy my mind you know what i mean like i just yeah i really think i would i'd really think i would have come up with that if you gave me like you know 100 years in a typewriter i also like to hope you wouldn't have come up with a terrible part of that song, which is when he's like, I have a blue house with a blue window. Even that I think I would have done. That was the verse that I wrote.

That was the crit verse that David let me throw in there. I have a girlfriend and she is so blue. And just like, do you remember when you were a kid and like everybody would pretend like the middle of that song meant something? The chorus was like, people would be like, that song says I'm in need of a guy. I remember that. I don't remember that.

You don't remember that? Oh, I for sure remember that. Maybe that was a Colorado thing. Maybe it was a Colorado thing. That'd be weird. I'm in need of a guy. I'm in need of a guy. i'm in need of a guy i'm in need of a guy was that like one of those homophobic conspiracy theories that kids used to launch is that what it was for

sure probably 100 what a weird what a weird thing i don't know if you guys remember yaga clothing company but all the kids used to i don't you know was it yaga or was it stussy that one of them they were like it says i'm gay if you wear it in the letters i think it was yoga you guys don't remember that i think somebody told you that because of your mr sean shirt because of my mr sean shirt and my pleated dockers i think you had crazy clothes and kids fucked with you why don't you shut up got him dude got him i can't tell you where that that that bubble jacket the bubble tommy hill flicker with the shirt that said mr shuck david your nike swooshes backwards got him let's keep going

keep going i want to put you in a trash can. I think it was a popular opinion. Just because I couldn't help it. Time for my third and fourth picks, as it is a serpentine draft. With my third pick, I'm going to go ultra specific again. Ultra specific.

I think I could have taken the one-off joke of jerry seinfeld's lawyer wearing a cape in seinfeld yep like in the writer's room you'd be like he's wearing a cape let's write that in let's write yeah i would have seen someone wearing a cape and i would have been like we have to do like just one little thing i don't think it's a whole episode but we got to touch on how sometimes people wear capes and like you can't really trust someone who wears a cape i think i would have come up with just that one beat that's it what a fun what a fun show i just all the tiny little things but that is one of those where you're just like that show would have been so fun to write for because every grievance you have you just bring in there and then you make like you make it one of the storylines in the episode i feel like immediately after too like you're like this should happen to me last week absolutely they were real you know

they were real close talkers and man hands and like absolutely there were attractive in different lights you know like yeah all that's i mean when you see curb you're like this is just what was happening to larry david like you know how scoop dog says that about uh doggy style where he's like a lot of that album was just like right after the shit happened like dr dre threw i threw a party last night and dr dre came i feel like it's the same thing with seinfeld came through the gang of Tanqueray yeah like you know there's you know there's a real Bob Sacramento there's a real Newman they're all real

I mean there is a real Kramer right he's like definitely real he said that yeah but yeah I think I would have seen that someone in a cape I would have come to the writers room and I've been like we have to talk about this and then we put it in an episode i wonder what my i wonder what my thing what your thing now would be what's it like what thing would you bring in and like have as a

character oh man it'd be something about i think it would be something about like overshare on facebook i think those toe those finger toe shoes i think those oh yeah where you'd be like somebody's wearing these fucking finger shoes yeah yeah that would definitely be up in there they somebody who's got an eye patch that switches eyes that's that's amazing that's evergreen though that could have been any time that That's so funny. I think I would have done somebody who uses Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise and how I don't trust them. I do hate that. That's a quirk for sure. Now, we know that I don't really think there's a difference.

Do we know that on here? Yeah, we know that. I've heard you say that before, which is crazy to me. There's a clear difference between Miracle Whip and mayonnaise. It makes me feel like you're not eating the food. That would be the turn in the episode. No, I'm not. They both feel the same on your nipples.

No, I've never ate it, though. On your body. If we don't have lotion, we play miracle whip. Oh, God. For sure, my mom would not let me sleep at your house. For sure. For sure. For sure.

Nobody sleeps at my house oh god all right time for my fourth pick with my fourth pick i uh now this one this song came out like in the 40s or 50s or something like that i'm already on board i believe you uh but i think i would have come up with a song angelina zuma zuma by louis prima if he had never if he had never done it if you left me to my own devices you channel louis prima all the time so i definitely i tried to i tried to in my life now let me read the uh the lyrics to you here i'll even i'll sing. I eat antipasta twice just because she is so nice, Angelina. Angelina,

waitress at the pizzeria. I eat zuppa minestrone just to be with her alone, Angelina. Angelina, waitress at the pizzeria. And then it goes into a bunch of Italian. That part would have been hard for me, but I feel like I would have been hard for me but i feel

like i would have gotten there eventually and then uh uh then this part uh if she'll be my caramia then i'll join in matrimony with a girl who serves spumoni and angelina will be mine i just think i would have gotten to that part because it's a song mostly about Italian food and a little bit a little bit about this girl he likes but mostly about Italian food yeah man that seems reasonable that's I think in the timeline where this song didn't exist and I kept working at the old spaghetti factory I would have eventually written this song that timeline would be so interesting if you were my waiter at the old spaghetti factory i'd just what a treat you'd be shocked it would be it would

be insane i threw the apron on for one last shift just to serve you man i was you know if you caught me on a good day that was a fun day for you at that table. This is going to sound crazy, but I always wanted to, and I think I'd be good at waiting tables. I've never done it. I did it when I was a bartender, but you didn't really do the whole thing where you took the order, brought the, you just kind of, it was bar food. So, you know, it wasn't hard. I think it'd be fun.

And that's the crazy part because people are like, why don't you go ahead and do it and tell me how fun it is. I'm with you. But I do think it'd be fun for like a week. It'd be fun. And that's the crazy part because people are like, why don't you go ahead and do it and tell me how fun it is. I'm with you. But I do think it'd be fun for like a week. It can be fun. Yeah. If people aren't pricks, it can be like, I had fun with it. I had a blast when I bartended.

I loved bartending. Yeah, work can be fun. Yeah. Yeah. Bartending. I'm sure that was more fun than waiting tables, but waiting tables could be fun. I've always felt that same way, Sean.

I never did it. I always thought, I think anybody who's somewhat charismatic and likes people would probably have fun doing it when it's fun. It was a lot more fun than any other menial job I ever had. Yeah, that's like call center stuff.

I, you know, boy, there's no way to make that fun. But like waiting tables, it's like, it's always like a challenge be like all right i'm gonna get him i'm gonna get him laughing you know i'm gonna get this old this old surly bastard i'm gonna get him and his whole family laughing best but the flip side is like if they suck you still have to like bring them food which is one of the most demeaning things to do to someone who sucks yeah you know but it could be really fun um but yeah angelina zumazuma i'm positive i would have gotten there italian parts i would

have just said i would have just done in english and like when he's like i'd have been like hey what's up girl how are you you know will you as dana if you if she's if she's not try to sneak this these lyrics in order to her and see if she's like what are you doing or see if she just thinks it's normal she's sitting in the other like i can see her ravioli tortellini hey what's up girl how are you she said it worked i'm fine that's awesome i love it um yeah angelina zumzuma david time for your fourth pick i gotta be real this is real uh this is chris sharpie will appreciate this this is a song i first heard nathan lund singing okay and i was like i was already like what that no i that's

i would say that and it's not the whole song but it's uh the chorus to thinking with my dick by kevin gates how's it go i have an idea it's really short it's really short. It's really short. It's got money, the R word, which I wouldn't have probably said. But then he says, don't want it if it don't clap when she walking. Ain't too pretty in the face, but she's super thick. I'm just singing with my dick. Shit's dumb. Shit's dumb.

My shit dumb. Those are the lyrics? Those are the whole lyrics. It says shit's dumb my shit dumb those are the lyrics it says shit's dumb like five times you definitely would have thought of that also they're just like ain't too pretty in the face but she's super thin also everybody quit google image nathan lunn comedian oh yeah look up nathan lunn comedian and then picture him singing that song and where what venue was it was no it was at his house it was at his house they were playing settlers of katan i was i was just i had just come in from san francisco it was him aaron urus and like you know how nathan dance so dance is so funny and he was like yeah he was just like yeah i'm just thinking with my dick shit's dumb my shit's dumb and he kept pointing like, I'm just thinking with my dick, shit's dumb. My shit's dumb. And he kept pointing at it.

And then he did that Nathan Lund dance where he goes like this. Shooting the head and the penis at the same time. He shoots his head and his dick at the same time. It's the best dance move in the world. It's one of the better things that was ever invented. Yeah, I would have for sure come across all those words together but yeah thinking with my dick kevin gay i just would have great it's just very it's right in my wheelhouse of how i think and whatnot uh sian jordan

i would have written the movie mid 90s i've never been so i've never been so sure of anything. This is exactly what you were talking about earlier. But I honestly, when I finally did see it, because I picked it in a draft without having seen it, when I finally did see it, I was like, that's exactly, exactly what would have come out. Maybe some different home life stuff, because i didn't have a brother in the house but like it would have that's still a version of that yeah version of that would have come out like dad would have worked his way in the brother character would have been a rat

but still beating your ass i had forgotten he'd be trying to steal its clothes and be cool like it. He'd be a rollerblader, I bet. A rollerblading rat. Yeah, man, I would have written mid-90s for sure. Yeah. They did it pretty much. As close as anyone's ever going to get to making... Because as a skateboarder i'm extremely selfish

with what i want in that movie and they got it about as close as it's ever going to get i think it was it was almost exactly correct but they still it all felt right pretty much they still did the whole like pro skater thing weird to me but is that is that the one thing you think would not have been kind kind of the progression too is like kids just don't get that good work but like they did have it right with like nikhil was better than all of his friends and it does seem like there's always one person who actually might be able to get it done i'd probably not too different than comedy where you're like there's a big crew and then you're like, well,

this person probably is going to do this for real. And then, you know, they do it. And then, you know, that like, it does work.

You just see pros at spots and you kind of talk to them and you get to know them. And then they're your friends and they start hooking you up with product. It's like, it's all, it's so much luck, just like the entertainment business. So much luck,

so much right place, right time. So much of who you know. You want to put that in percentages? It's about 10. It's about 10% luck, 90. Well, no, about 10% luck, about 15% who you know. It's only like three pure concentrated power of will. Is that real?

About 58% skill. and the rest of the percentage goes to trying to find this rat so david shuts the fuck up about it that's where the rest of the percentage goes that's pure extreme honestly judging by the time that you've taken on it you should probably put a few more percentage points to that because it hasn't yeah and power and will dude i think you got low t as far as that goes i think i do have low t sharpie time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is a serpentine draft okay uh now for the fourth pick this a little bit of an asterisk again because i play i have no musical talent uh i play no instruments i I don't know, dude. You wrote Kokomo. Thank you.

Yeah, you did. Made it up and everything. I noticed not a lot of books snuck their way onto this list. A book is so long. Definitely not for me. No way. A recipe.

I'm going to go with the song. I think it's pronounced. I'm terrible at this shit, but Tazataata i may be wrong by uh mulatto akati i'm terrible at names favorite songs dude it's yeah it means nostalgia and whatever that's how i know this song is called nostalgia god yeah thank you i have such a terrible tongue man that's the fucking oh... There's something about that song. It feels like walking.

It feels like sleeping. It feels like floating. It feels like flying. It feels like everything. It is summer, winter, fall, everything. It is perfect. It's a perfect piece of music. It's nostalgia.

It's the best thing that's ever existed. So maybe I'm being, I may be stroking myself a little bit by saying that I would have come up with the best piece of music that's ever existed. The best thing that ever existed. I definitely would have done it. I'm thinking that if, in my opinion, it's the best piece of music that's ever existed, I would have eventually tried to make the best piece of music that ever existed. Right. That you think is the best piece ever. Yeah. Exactly. I would have stumbled into some part of this perfect little song i don't know that's how i feel about it

though so that's that's pick number four if you haven't listened to it sorry i butchered the name so bad and i hope you can find it some tazetta t-e-z-e-t-a there you go by mulatu Astatke, which is, you know, A-S-T-A-T-K-E. Ethiopian jazz musician. Yes. I don't know how I found it, but thank God. I think actually it was Young Zach Toscani. I bet. One of those holes that he goes down on the YouTube.

I think he turned me into it and then, or turned me onto it. And then I went down to like a real weird music wormhole like world music for a long time that whole album is amazing his whole everything that he does is amazing um and your final pick final pick almost the exact opposite uh national treasure i feel like that's right up my alley i love a romp i fucking love indiana jones but they already did that so let's do it about i don't know american stuff uh you know i like history enough i would have figured out something along these lines i would have pulled out some sort of american treasure because we need more romps those are the only those are the only movies i honestly truly

enjoy are just a full romp it's got a little bit of comedy a little bit of action it's silly there's no real stakes in it i love it me and ravioli tortellini watched uh romancing the stone the other day oh that was great that's great great movie dude national treasure that's a great pick because that does feel like an idea where when you heard it you're like oh i could have done that absolutely it's not very good no it's not but it's perfect absolutely it's i feel like i could have written a not very good romp movie sean time for your final pick i think in my sad days uh i went through a quite a dark period that i would have written uh nothing compares i think at some point i would have written

that song because i it's one of those songs where i heard it and like every word of this i would have it could come out of my hand and been so true that i would just i would be floored if i didn't write that song at some point i don't know if you eat your dinner in a fancy restaurant no but i would have said i did I get a lie to sell records. I have often, I have said that you're the prince of our friend group, so I get it. Yeah. I was going to say, we've made some lofty claims of this draft, but not- For sure.

But nothing along the lines of, I could have written that Prince song. That was, that's the, yep. I only wanted to go way out of my comfort zone with one of them and that's it but I'm like I would have I would have because if you look at the song it's the lyrics are not that gnarly to write the the performance the singing everything about the song is amazing the lyrics are the most elementary portion of the song I think I could have handled those at my set I would love to hear you tell a girl all the flowers that you gave me mama All the flowers that you planted mama

But not I want him to say it I don't want him to say it All the flowers that you planted mama In my backyard And then I just start crying I'd have to say this song over like The course of a week to a woman because I'd be crying

after every sentence for like a day. Nothing compares to you. Oh, I can't. And then I'd just fade back into my apartment. Come back tomorrow, I'll tell you more. I went to the doctor. Guess what he told me. Guess what he told me. Come back tomorrow, I'll tell you. I went to the doctor and guess what he told me guess what he told me come back tomorrow and I'll tell you

I went to the doctor and guess what he told me I said guess alright nothing compares to you David your final pick I think I would have written the movie Old School okay yeah I just never when I saw it I had never seen

anything that close to what I thought was good and funny. I liked funny stuff growing up, but I never saw myself for anything in any of it. You know what I mean? And it was never that reflective of the humor that I thought was the funniest. And then I saw that so many of the bits in that movie are just like, just how I talk, how I fit. Like me and Sam saw it, like when we were in high school, we saw it like seven times, I think. But it's just like, I had never,

like that Vince Vaughn character, just a guy who's very charismatic, not particularly skilled and kind of dumb, was like, I was just like i i was like i felt you know as the kids say i felt i felt seen yeah yeah the kids are saying that that is what the kids say as opposed to if you go to sean's house to play lotion then you felt sean no you felt shined you felt wet let's go to old school and then go play lotion yeah man all those characters frank the tank all those are like so many like aspects of my personality in that movie just yeah

that movie was just like it really informed a lot of who i or not even informed it like solidified a lot of who i am and what i thought was cool and funny. Will Ferrell as like a supporting character back when he was still doing that was like amazing. Amazing. It's almost like he shouldn't ever have been a main character. It was so good. No, he did.

He did good with like a few of those roles. Obviously he crushed it. He crushed anchorman. He crushed like, uh, Ricky Bobby. But like that, him in that movie was just like oh man we hit the once it

hits your lips like it's so good just him going through the when he's driving around in his car calling her and he leaves his full name hey marissa it's frank ricard it's like stupid pretty crazy weekend plan might go to home depot yeah just so sad but cool and fun at the same time yeah and then he ended up still kind of sad like the end of the movie just like just like yeah even that part where he wants to bone his best friend's ex-wife and he's jazzed about it yeah it's pretty sad yeah i mean just like yeah so many of the themes like the fact that it ended kind of sad for him like i just yeah so much of that is like really right in my fucking wheelhouse man that movie excellent yeah really got me time for my final pick the final pick of the draft and i think i could have written the chili's baby back

ribs song nice yep yeah i was trying to think of a a jingle on there i couldn't quite get anything i think if they dropped a plate of chili's baby back ribs in front of me and i had one i could have figured it out i like the idea of you taking a bite and you're like get me to the studio i want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back i want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby baby baby baby back ribs barbecue sauce we fucking got it we fucking got it nailed it it's a hit it's a hit call clive davis i'm in the back with my mr sean jacket on i'll handle clive for you guys you guys you don't need to handle him anymore you got a little triangle dude he's done ripping your dicks off.

I'd go sleep for 48 hours just because the amount of, it was like dark matter. The amount of energy that poured out of me writing that song. Yeah, just like Neo when he first got out of the Matrix. And then he learns Kung Fu and then, yeah. Have you seen the video of those guys singing it? They fucking kill it in there. But have you seen the video of them like in the studio yeah oh man it's so good uh-uh they're having a good time i think it's like

three dudes but just like it's really great a bunch of bad dudes huh i mean they're cool dudes all right cool were you making a penis joke there sean yeah i was making a little penis joke i did babe i liked it saved retweeted uh that wraps up the draft sharpie you went first you think you could have written and eventually would have no country for old men paul revere by the beastie boys kokomo by the beach boys uh says it by mula to Aztatke, and then National Treasure. Sean, you went next. You would have written

Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin, The Karate Kid, Mortal Kombat theme song, Mid 90s, and then Nothing Compares to You by Sinead O'Connor. I've written my prints.

David, you went third. You think you would have come up with Chicken Fried Steak because I got high by Afro Man. Ass man asshole i'm blue by eiffel 65 thinking with my dick by kevin gates and the movie old school i went last and i think i would have uh nailed just the vocals for gary glitter's rock and roll part two the show ballers jerry seinfeld's lawyer wearing a cape the song angelina zumazuma and the baby back ribs chilies jingle man yeah that was that was as well as it could have gone i was nervous and i'm happy

i'm so happy we did this uh we left some good ones on the board along david's line of thinking i thought i could have come up with stuffed crust pizza oh nice yeah yo that would have been yeah like why don't we put cheese in here i don don't understand why there's not cheese in here. I think I would have got that. Come on. I feel like I would have gotten there eventually. Tachos I might have thought of if we're thinking of foods.

I think I would have thought of tachos. Tub Thumpin' by Chumbawamba. I could have gotten i could go find any kid at the skate park and be like tub thumping chumba wamba and they would think i wanted to fight oh not to take from pushing t i thought i could have come up with the i'm loving it jingle oh yeah yeah i thought of run make a run for the border for taco bell i could have thought of but you know marissa did you have a pick for this oh yes uh i'm really fascinated by cyber crime so i think i would eventually make the podcast darknet diaries which is a podcast that interviews cyber criminals and how they pulled off their

heist damn that's actually i might have to plug that in on my next walk that does sound is there is there anything about the dark i'm very interested for no particular reason about the dark web is there any sort of information you can hire somebody to kill that rat for you this is how we get connected back to bolivia dude fucking don't say this on the podcast only one here that's been to bolivia is david got him dude got him ripped his dick off Sorry I'll save you the trouble Clive I did I got it for you Wait you've been

You've been really interested In the dark web lately It's an interesting concept to me It's the dark There's no way to say it without sounding like I don't want to get guns It's just it's such an interesting concept that there's like i used to think it was literal like a literal like all the pages were dark and everything i didn't know it was just like a black spider web it's weird to think of the internet like a place like a building and

there's a part of that building you can go to where it's just it's crazy to me that it's i don't know i just i think there should be like an actual good documentary on it. Cause I don't know. It's interesting to me. And a lot of cyber criminals are kids. So I want to interview these kids and figure out like how they got into it. Oh yeah. I just, I find it really fast.

I just watched that New York times thing about that kid. Like they were like ripping off like millions of dollars. That kid in Florida. Wow. Yeah. But anyways, yeah, that shit is, I'm really curious about what kids can't steal cigarettes from their dads anymore they gotta go rob millions of dollars huh all right fine what are you gonna do on the dark web sean i'm not gonna do anything i'm gonna learn he's gonna post the rules to

lotion because you can't put that on the regular yeah i'm gonna make the darker web and it's just gonna be the lotion the lotion rules we want your. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcasts at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you so much for everything you do. Shout out to everyone on the AFE. Shaslackity, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Super Producer Marissa.

Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Sean, you have some shout outs? Scott, can I do some, uh, shout out to Megan from bill. Happy first anniversary. What's up? Uh,

Jesse from Katie. Happy birthday on March 11th. I'm early. I apologize. These are hard to remember. Sometimes Morgan from Molly. Happy birthday, February 22nd.

Pat from Brian sending good vibes to you and your whole family. And Jeff from Sam. Congrats on the engineering degree. Huh? Right. Huh congrats dude yeah that's it on shout outs if you want those from here on out you got to go to cameo and pay all right the fucking i've been having a blast doing those by the way i'd like tell me if i'm crazy i make mine like two minutes is that i do no i love it i i straight up enjoy i've been earnestly singing Happy Birthday to people. Trying to sing as well as I can. It's fun.

I've been having a good time. Sing Happy Birthday. Take us to break. Yeah. Happy Birthday. No, the black one. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday.

Now the Jewish one. Happy Birthday. Now the Jewish one. Happy birthday. Was that Russian? Now the Chinese one. Can't do it. What, you can do the Jewish one? You're Jewish, I heard. You won't shut up about it.

I'm sorry. Okay. Well, now I'm sweating this is all stuff you learned on the dark web shout out to Frankie Ocean shout out to Sid the Dude shout out to the Anti-Defamation League and more important than all of that

tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything you ain't killing that rat got it to see everything. You ain't killing that rat. that was a hate gun podcast