All Fantasy Everything - Mulligan Moments (w/ Zak Toscani, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: February 28, 2019

The Good Vibes Gang gets together to draft moments they wish they could have back. Episode Guest:Zak Toscani @zaktoscani IG: @zaktoscaniSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that had to go up after Aubrey fucking Plaza at a show. AP! He played himself. Nah. No, I played myself. I just got my own head about it, and I went up there and I was like,

hey, I'm not famous. I had, like, my set was fine. It fine it was good yeah you know what i mean but like it's one of those ones where you're like oh i really could have done a lot more with that especially when you know you could have when you're like she wasn't even sauce i mean maybe she was saucing like that well she was doing an award show monologue yeah so she wasn't really like that no not at all not like how i was prepared to go sauce. You were ready to dunk it. I was ready to fucking dunk it. The sauce boss. The sauce boss, dude.

Old sauce boss over there. Sauce it up, dude. I was ready to fucking take a boat to Sausalito, dude. There's nothing I hate worse than a dry French dip. Communist and a dry French dip. It's the same for me. It is. Get out of here, both of you. You were listening to the Mighty Mighty Sauce Tones, weren't you? Mighty Mighty Sauce Tones, yeah, dude.

You and Old Sauce Radborn, the baseball player. I love it. I got it at Sauce. I got it at Sauce. Man. Fuck, dude. Do you remember Mervin's? Yeah, Mervin's, California. So there might have been West Coast.

There was a store called Mervin's, and then it changed its name to Mervin's, California. But the jean deals seemed to remain the same. It was like a Ross? Yeah, it was a Ross. But it was nicer. It was like a department store, right? Yeah.

It wasn't quite the Bon Marche. No, no, no, no. For my Northwest folks. Nor a Montgomery Ward. Nor a Montgomery Ward. Or even a Macy's. Man, there used to be hella stores. What's the name in Marcus?

I've only heard the name I've ever been to. The only Marcus is upscale. Yeah. I've heard Macy's. Man, they used to be a hell of stores. I've only heard the name I've ever been. Upscale. I've heard Jewel's rent Santana represented. Dip, dip. Like higher than Macy's? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, Macy's is kind of trashy now. Yeah, that's true. I'm not trashy. Not in New York. It's where JCPenney's won. They got a lot of Levi's shirts.

They got a lot of Levi's shirts. Yeah. I don't believe in Levi's shirts. We had TJ Maxx. That was our Ross. We didn't have Ross or anything. Levi's shirts. They got a lot of Levi's shirts. Yeah. A lot of Levi's shirts. A lot of Levi's shirts. We had TJ Maxx. That was our Ross. We didn't have Ross or anything.

You didn't have Ross? No, we didn't have Marshalls. TJ Maxx. Ross? You probably had TJ Men's. TJ Minimal, dude. In Sioux Falls. Fuck you guys. Back in the day, I used to smoke TJ Mids.

TJ Mids, dude. But now it's legal. Keep talking. I will. Keep talking. I was flying for two hours. Damn. Yeah. dude. But now it's legal. Keep talking. I will. Keep talking. I was fine for two hours. Damn. Yeah.

Ripped my face off right there. Anyways, that kind of podcast, my friends. It's just that we're like on the drive home. I was just like, fuck you, Ian. You know, that kind of thing. When you have that bad set and it's just like, not even a bad set where I'm just like, I really should have done more of that.

I'm disappointed in myself for not being more professional about it. Well, and no matter how well you did, you're not going to feel good until you do another one. Exactly. Which will be tomorrow night. Which will be tomorrow night. Yeah. Great. When am I ever going to do laundry? I guess most of my clothes are clean. I'm going to bed anyway. I've been thinking recently my life has been upgraded. I've been thinking

about doing that. The delivery service? Don't. I used to work for one of those and i would bet dollars to donuts that i fucked up everybody's shit like i'm not gonna say you're a curator i was uh well what were we gonna see we're gonna say like a dry cleaning service right yeah or like a laundry service oh okay yeah uh and i they would just give you like a turquoise bag a gray bag a black bag and you were supposed to put certain shit in certain bags. And I would just throw it all in there because there's nobody that actually teaches you what to do.

Yeah, but we're in L.A. now. These kids went to dry cleaning college. I don't think so, man. They studied their dry cleaning tux from the University of Phoenix. Yeah, dude. They were scrubs. University of Kleenex. Bless you. They got their master's at DeDry University. Yeahenex. Bless you.

They got their master's at DeDry University. Yeah, yeah. DeDry University, yeah. You may know my father, Mr. Clean. They went to John Washkin's. Mr. Clean's my father's name. My name is Dry Clean. I actually went to Sarah Close myself.

Sarah Close. Okay. Yeah, okay, yeah, absolutely. I liked it. I went to Sarah clothes myself. Sarah clothes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I went to a LSU laundry state university. Sure.

Well, he went to the university of Washington. I don't know why I changed it from wash to wash. No, I don't either. It was perfect. Because that's the Northwestern accent. It is. That's the Northwestern accent. That was actually a very great regional joke.

People think that's not. Yeah. Head writer. CBS. There it is. Youngest one. Look it up. Look up CBS.

There it is. You get every region. You motherfucker. Everybody pull over right now. Google CBS. Google it. Google CBS. You'll be surprised.

Also, you want the same results. Google who shot Cosby's son. I'm saying, dog. I'm just saying shit now. I'm just wilding. That's all right. CBS, dude, because he's trying to buy the network. I can't talk loose like this.

I work for CBS. Easy. Zach, quit doing your Ian impression. Even though it's really good. It's been getting good lately. Sean Jordan in the crib. I am. Sean is Jordan on Twitter.

Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Saw one more of those. Saw one of those on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Saw one more of those. Saw one of those on Twitter today. They're showing up. One of those on Twitter today. I don't. For a lot of these dudes out here. For Laundry Dale?

All right. For a lot of them. For a lot of them. That's why he's my friend. Yeah, dude. And only that reason. You better keep it up. I try, man. I try man I try

I dry I do what I can better keep your heads palm better keep the heads palm get rich or die drying he lives in it he lives in the wave now see you want to go to his house you got a mizzen grater

you find my man in the tube he's in the drawer he's in the fucking the phone dude laird hamilton i feel like if you would have adopted all these puns while you were working for the laundry company it would have been different oh yeah you wouldn't they wouldn't have fired you that's for sure they didn't i just go with the tide companies there it is i just thought you know i needed a bounce back. Sure. You did. Oh, bounce. Man, this guy. Wow. What do you got coming up? Going to Portland,

Playboy. Portland, Oregon. It's coming up quick. March 8th. This will drop. It is now when you were listening to this, we are a week and a day away from the Portland week. From the end of the hop, skip, and a jump. Also, do I have to say this out loud on the pod,

but we got to get into that employee store. Oh, yeah. Let me make some moves. It's going to get a new bag for it, baby. Every employee store that we can get into, P.F. Chang's. P.F. Chang's Employee Store. I go to a fucking P.F. Chang's. That place is expensive, man.

Oh, yeah, dude. I was looking it on Postmates the other day. It's expensive. Just for the nostalgia bite. P.F. Chang's. That place is expensive, man. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. I was looking at it on Postmates the other day, you know? It's expensive. Oh, wow. Just for the nostalgia bite. Yeah. P.F. Chang's is good, man. It's real good.

I worked there. I worked at P.F. Chang's for a couple years. Well, a year. And Clean Kitchen. Clean Kitchen. Yeah. Clutch. Fresh ingredients.

Clutch. I worked at R.B. Dang's. It was close, but... R.B. Dang's? The P.F. and P.F. Chang's for paul fleming or something like that yeah paul fleming and some guy named chang oh like michael chang i don't know if it was michael chang but something like that it'd be funny if they reversed it and it was just like uh and it was like uh j jc o'flaherty's but it was still a Chinese place. But the JC stood for like, you know,

Jun Chang or something. I'll have the O'Flaherty's orange chicken, please. Yeah, JC O'Flaherty's orange chicken. The green chicken. St. Patrick's Day. Yeah.

All our chicken's green. Don't sweat it. Don't sweat it. Don't sweat it, bro. And Guinness. Man. When I worked for Coca-Cola, I delivered to a Chinese buffet

and I saw the grocery shit. So we were using two-wheelers, and I was sliding. See some Irish folks in there? No, no. Saw some Irish potatoes back there. No, they were thawing chicken on the floor. So I was sliding, and I looked down, and it was just chicken all over the floor.

Whatever, man. They cook that shit within an inch of its life. Never go. That's true. They fry the fuck. Whatever, man. They cook that shit within an inch of its life. Never go. That's true. They fry the fuck out of that shit. Fry it hard. It wasn't a, you know, it was a Cincinnati establishment. So we're, I'm pretty sure California is all.

They would never do that here. No. They would never do that here. No way. No way. Never. We have actual. Not ever.

Not nay. Nay. Not ever. Nay. We have actual what? What? Irish listeners in Ireland. Goddamn right we do.

Well, shout out to Sean. Sean, is that how you pronounce it? Or is it Sean? I don't know. It must in Ireland. Goddamn right we do. Well, shout out to Sean. Sean, is that how you pronounce my name? Or is it Sean? I don't know. He came to Fated too. Ah, damn. What?

Damn. C-I-A-N. I'm sorry, dude. You'll tweet us. Yeah, he'll tweet us. He'll straighten us out. He's doing his visual out there. Follow him.

He's like an Irish football writer. Sign? Oh. I don't know. That's probably Sean. He came to Fated. We all met him. I met him. Yeah, yeah. I've been pronouncing it Gwyneth. Is that wrong? Yeah, I was going to. That's probably Sean. He came to fame and we all met him. I met him, yeah, yeah.

I've been pronouncing it Gwyneth. Is that wrong? Yeah, I was going to say. I've been saying Tyrone. Oh, yeah. With like a bass. I'm like, oh, shit. Tyrone's here.

Damn. Every time I see it on Twitter. That's what you think the Irish guy's name is. And I stand up. I go, shit. Look at this Tyrone. Look at this dude. And it's Cian.

Shane? Might be Shane. Better not be. It better not be Shane sucks dude Buy his album But Shane sucks man Established 1974

We can stop saying Buy his album At this point You know what I mean? Return his album Should we start saying that? Put on a new fucking album Buy Sean's album

It's coming out soon Oh yeah Should be out by the show Settling on some track names I don't want any of you guys Making fun of me So I'm really trying to figure out What to name these tracks

Track to track Eric Koston Andrew Reynolds figure out what to name these tracks. Track to track. Eric Koston, Andrew Reynolds. Are you going to name them after skateboarders? Wouldn't that be tight? I'm not, but that'd be so cool. This one's for Laura Part 1, this one's for Laura Part 2. I'll tell you if you want... I'll tell you what to name them. Something to do with the track.

Because then when you want to go back and listen to it, where you're like, oh shit, what's that? What joke was that again? And then you go back and you're like, like listen to it where you're like, Oh shit, what's that? What joke was that again? Yeah. And then you go back and you're like, Oh God, is it Eric Costner? Was it Rodney Mullen or Day One Song? Rodney Mullen, yeah. And you're like, shit. Was it Guy Camphin?

I always think that, I guess if I ever did one, I would just use whatever I write down on my set list. That's what I was thinking, but you can't write, I don't know. Oh, sir. You have, you know, you use want to call them some things that they're written there and you're like, well, that's what I wrote it five years ago. So that's what it is now. I can't be having all that. Yeah. Anyway,

riveting dialogue between Shane Torres nicknames did Jose Conqueso, Wyatt Burp, Doc Hollandaise, sadise Sad Sadly Roy Frown Some others A group of other ones If we weren't smashing tequila in Denver

We'd remember them a little more There was one last night Oh yeah Zach had a good one last night The Count of Monte Crisco Return his album Seriously Shane Rips return his album Yeah, Zach had a good one last night. Oh, the Count of Monte Crisco. Yeah, that's right. The Count of Monte Crisco. Return his album, seriously. Shane Ripps, return his album.

I'm trying to think of something with heartburn in it, but I can't get there. It's very late right now. You should know, listeners, it's 10.15 at night. Yeah. The long day. And I'm pronouncing the G on purpose. The G is loud and the word long.

They brought me into the office today, so some lady called. No. I wish. Oh, okay. Some lady called me a fucking idiot on the phone. loud and the word long they brought me into the office today so some ladies you called no i wish some lady called me a fucking idiot on the phone like straight up like yelling at me i was like nine in the morning called me a fucking idiot yeah and uh had you just drafted on the call she's a listener my favorite thing taco bell is you fucking idiot you know my writer Taco Bell is just a beaver eatin' no onions. You fuckin' idiot. You know, on my rider, I'd get all the Taco Bell. That was a lot of Taco Bell. Ten of each item. Hey, I got a lot of friends, you know?

More enemies are gonna sit outside and watch us eat it. If somebody listens to this and that's in our green room, if it's at the podcast, that's fine, but if it's at the show... Oh, can we do silly... Can we do silly riders for our green room this tour? Oh, we should put, yeah. In fact, we should do them for Portland.

It's an all fair conversation, but you should send me what we want in our green room. Anyway, work wasn't dank today, but this is super tight. What are they calling you into the office for? To kiss you? I wish. Was it to kiss? I didn't think it was going to be funny the second time.

It really was. I liked it the same exact amount. It was funny the second time. It really was. I liked it the same exact amount. It was funny the second time. What was it for kissing? No, they called me into the office, though, today. Like, you were in trouble? Yeah. Well, that was funny.

No, I'm not. I thought he was going to say kiss again. You were trying to love it again. No, only a maniac would do it three times. So they called you into the office to kiss you. They called me into the office to give me a kiss. To give you a sweet little kiss. But they don't want everyone else to get jealous.

We were looking over the numbers here and they moved the sheet away. It was a bummer. And then I was texting with you two and it got immediately better. That's it. That's all I wanted to say. This is the best, even though it's late. I don't give a shit. You know not to text me.

I don't want to go deeper. Burn it down. I shouldn't be kissing you like that. Yeah, anyway, March 8th. Come to Rev Hall. Come to the show. Yeah, that's what's going on. Nothing else to promote. Come to us. Come to Faded every Friday if you will.

Come to Faded. Faded to the Blue Ro come to come to come to fade it every friday if you if you will come to fucking uh come to the tree fort comedy and music and everything festival march 23rd and 24th boise idaho yeah 23rd 24th yeah it's gonna be sick definitely the 20 the 24th of the saturday yep yeah that's when the live that's what the live you're in Boise Boise 5 o'clock in the I think the story tent is that what it is are we gonna be able to see Vince Staples I don't know

well he's gonna be at our show we'll probably look out in the audience and see him I mean yeah that's what I mean bitch you thirsty

please draft a pic that's what I'm saying yeah who's next who's next yeah Zach Toscani's next hello

yeah at Zach Toscani on Twitter Zach Toscani's next hello yeah at Zach Toscani on Twitter Zach Toscani that's Zach with a K you motherfuckers yeah for sure don't ever forget about

no you don't have to apologize I'm sorry don't you ever come give everyone of you a kiss well we gotta go in the office

we're gonna do all that Zach Toscani on Instagram yes sir what do you got coming up dude what's the news come catch me and David Cincinnati.

Go bananas. February 28th. Yeah, it'll be tonight. Tonight. By the time this comes out this whole weekend, this whole weekend, Thursday through Sunday, I'm going to be full of chili and wanting to talk about it. Oh, man, you are. I was telling David the best part about Cincinnati is I was like making a list of all the places

I want to show him. And I was like, oh, oh yeah because it's Cincinnati we can do this in a day oh yeah nice LA would take two weeks there's Barry Larkin there's Boomer Assiasen Jake's house he just has a cool house

he's got like an atrium we have like the third Carabas they ever made oh nice the third one dude that's the best one we gotta go to that casino baby oh yeah Riverboat Casino you got a J.C. O'Flaherty's there that you gotta try Carrabbas they ever made. Oh, nice. The third one, dude. That's the best one. We got to go to that casino, baby. Oh, yeah. Riverboat Casino. You got a J.C. O'Flaherty's there that you got to try. They got this fucking... Ooh, I love their Pad Thai.

They got a dim sum breakfast, man. That's Szechuan chili, bro. You can't even... Oh, dim sum breakfast. American breakfast should do it dim sum style. It's so... Think about that. Oh, why isn't that what's going on?

There's a plate of sausage. They just pull up on you with it? There's a plate of two on? There's a plate of sausage. They just pull up on you with that? There's a plate of two pancakes. There's a plate of two waffle wedges. Holy shit. American wedges is kind of like waffle poppers. Oh, yeah. Waffle wedges.

They call me in my waffle wedges. Waffle wedges. Waffle wedges. She grabbed me by my waffle wedges. She got some thick waffle wedges on me. Oh, boy. Waffle wedges. I've been wedging since been wedging. I've been wedging since been wadges. You got some thick waffle wedges on me. Oh, boy. I've been wedging since been wadging. Yeah, dude.

Say that again exactly. I remember back when they used to call them waffle wedges. I bet you do. I bet you do. Wiggity, wiggity, wiggity, wiggity, wiggity, wadge. Everything is to the back with a little slack. And that is something that I'll never, ever, ever do again. It's wiggity, wiggity, whack.

Cincinnati, dude. Cincinnati. Cincinnati. They got. Cincinnati, dude. Cincinnati. Cincinnati. They got like elevators there. Sin City Natty. Oh, they got elevators. You go up and down all day. Observation decks.

Sure. Museums. They got it all. And escalators. We got about four now. More like Sioux Climbs, you know? I'm also trying to make a huge push on social media to get Wilson Tennis to send me tennis rackets.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I love it. If anyone is inside on Wilson Tennis, hit me up. Have they responded at all? Have they favored anything? They've favored it. They've responded. What do they say? Fuck you. They did a crying face. Get bent, turkey. Lose it,

you bum. What if the person who worked for Wilson was, every time he tweeted, they're like, why don't you fucking get bent, turkey? I think the funniest is if they just put quit. Quit tennis. Just quit. Go pound sand.

Yeah, that's what I'm pushing for. I'm just trying to get free stuff now. Yeah, absolutely. Tell them if they don't send you the tennis rackets, you'll make videos using Wilson tennis rackets and smush them onto cakes. Yeah. Children's like third birthdays

where they're just smart enough to know like what's happening. Yeah. And then they start weeping. Oh God. And then you hold it up and you're like, Wilson, it makes babies cry

or something like that. You know, the best place to do that would be this Chuck E. Cheese right over here in Colorado. Eagle Rock. Right in Eagle Rock where you know there's some sad birthdays already. Just Charles

and the kids like Sunday at 1130 I'm banging on your door. It's like, all right guys, we go to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm going to smash some cakes with my tennis racket. All right, cool. We'll be here. I'll be right here. I feel like it would be so satisfying to smash a tennis racket onto a cake. Even slowly. I agree. Or Jell-O.

So it would cut through the strings, you know? Yeah, I hate Jell-O. You don't like Jell-O? I like Jell-O. I like to get a mouthful of Jell-O and then swish it around until it reliquifies. Turns into Kool-Aid. Oh, it tastes like kind of a flavor. You know what I mean? Like crystal light.

I always, as a kid, wanted to just drink when it was hot. Like put it in a coffee mug. Everybody did. Hot Jell Like crystal light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always, as a kid, wanted to just drink when it was hot. Like put it in a coffee mug. Everybody did. Hot jello cider. Yeah. Yeah. That's how it gets you when it gels in your belly. Yeah.

That's a death sentence. Ian, you sounded like a psycho. I know, kid. It happened to my first cousin. He died? Yeah, drinking hot gelatin. If you drink hot jello, any food that's like, it will surround your poop.

And then you'll poop out poop encased in jello. It'll be like ambrosia salad. You expect me to believe you had a bad set tonight. Come on. All you had to do was say that. That's the fucking best.

Just get up there and speak truth, bro. I parfait all in there. I don't use toilet paper. Just get up there and speak truth, bro. Sorry, man. I parfait all in there. I don't use toilet paper because I'll drink a bunch of hot jello cider if I eat anything. It comes out like a chewable Advil. It's all encapsulated.

It's like the guy from Zap and Roger. His voice got like that because he swallowed some hot jello. Solidified in there. You know, if Frampton comes alive, that's how he starts that yeah do you feel like we feel we feel like we love i can't stop picturing poop coming out in like a gelatin capsule that you can just grab out of the toilet and just take it out like a gentleman

remember those stress relievers that were just yes balls of gel that you would squeeze that's what it makes the noise that mar Mario makes when he goes into a tube. Bloop, bloop, bloop. I was thinking, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, that's normal pooping. That's when you're on the way to the toilet. Well, actually, do you guys know what Mario's favorite fabric is? I don't care. Do you know that? David, do you know

seriously what it is? Velvet. Velvet, velvet, velvet. No. Denim, denim, denim. So I got some dates. Yeah, yeah yeah uh the g is silent on twitter cool guy jokes 87 on instagram yeah uh well obviously come see me and zach at the bananas yeah go bananas get a hold of yourself bring us you can bring us cash oh bring us cash we like cash gifts nice wow we're both a little cash. Oh, bring us cash. We like cash gifts. Nice. Wow. We're both a little cash poor right now. Bring us some cash.

We're not going to do that. We're investing in cash. Well, there's a dice game that we got to play. We might have just broken broadcasting ground. Just bring us cash, please. Every time you might see us. COD. Come over here.

Give us 20 bucks. Rare Coogee sweater dice roller. Well, there's the dice game. The Cincinnati dice game. That allegedly don't happen. Exactly. Also, April 23rd, see me at the

Comedy Works Denver headlining with Sam Talent. Also, March 30th, catch me at, I believe, The Bug, but I'm not sure in Denver as well for the Grawlix. The Grawlix is coming back. They did it, y'all.

It's back. And then, you know, tell those cowards to bring the other AFE guys out or we will withhold AFE from High Plains. Didn't you see one of those cowards tonight? Didn't you see ACH? I didn't see ACH. I didn't see ACH. He was scared, dude. He's ducking me, dude. He got scared.

He knows, man. He knows because I've seen some birds he hasn't. Your bird's off to you. He hasn't. Jennifer, right? Rebecca, right? Oh, that's a proper bird.

Proper bird. It's a fit bird. Bird watch. He says good to me. Fuck you, England. No, I'm just joking. I love it. I like to bird nosh.

Do I? A bird watch and then a bird nosh. Bird noshing, dude. Bro. Yeah. Bird noshing. That's what I got. Go see those shows.

I'm Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. Tell him. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. Playboy. Playboy. At Ian Carmel on Jewish. Wait a minute. That's what you're on, right? Jewish Wait on Jewish... Wait a minute.

That's what you're on, right? Jewish Wait a Minute? Wait a minute. You're Jewish. Spotify. You're Jewish. 100% Barbitz and everything. Damn. Do you know that?

David, do you know that? I had an inkling. Zach, you know that? I had a PI look into it, and it was inconclusive. Well. Get me down. Yeah, what are you trying to do? Inkling juice. Yeah. You know what do? Inclinjuicely.

Yeah. You know what happened? I called that PI into my office, kissed him. Gave him a little kiss. Told him he was doing a bad job and he might get fired. I gave that PI some of this P-I-M-P. That's right. You know what I mean?

If someone saw that, they definitely, there was like the silhouette out of the window. The whole street saw you kiss him. And a brassy saxophone. You know, and I smushed him. He gave him a smooch like Roger Rabbit. What do I got coming up? There's just one show left in Portland. There's still, at this point,

I think will probably maybe be tickets for it left, but I don't know. If there's not, hopefully you got one of them. Get them, get them, get them. I imagine there'll still be a couple, but who knows? We'll see. What do you do? We're doing the podcast.

We still don't know where we'll be drinking that later that night. But it will be good. Or if we'll even be telling you psychos about it. I could see it just being in the parking lot of that hood. I love that area so much. Oh, just the Doug for the... Oh, yeah. There's a little bit of a sprawl there you can get.

Well, that's what... So I had to call Marissa today because I was having an issue that I don't know what to do about. First of all, shout out to Super Marissa. Seriously. We ended up talking for like 10 minutes and it ended up...

She's just like, I'm just so pumped to come hang out. The problem was Sean had put his right shoe on his left foot. His left shoe on his right foot. I did. And he couldn't kickflip his way out of the house. No, he got scared and called Marissa. I kept thinking...

I kept thinking the refrigerator. I thought the refrigerator was the front door. I'd open it and I would run at it. You were preaching to the choir, my man. What I did was I put my underwear on my face and I put my jeans around my ankles and I ran into the fridge

thinking if I get outside, everything will be all right. I had to call Marissa. She had to talk me off the ledge. When I say 10 minutes, I mean, I called in sick today and talked to her all day. It was a few hours. Now, Marissa, when they say instant mashed potatoes. How instant? Like out of the bag?

Like right now? Some of this shit I'll ask her, man. It's wild. I told her, I texted her today. I was like, Oh, I took my computer off. This is the ignorance that not a lot of people get to see. Yeah.

Something about deleting. I was like, so if I delete this and the folder is named two, it's still folder one, right? And she's in the nicest way possible. I was like, yeah. Like if someone asks you if you could check your email from their computer and you're like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You can. Not everybody knows that. My dad has that where it's like, yeah, use the GPS on your phone. And he goes, I don't have that. My dad has a successful law firm. I thought that was my dad's sex. My dad has sex.

My dad with cool chicks. Oh, yeah. Well, my dad has sex. They used to call him Hot Eats Cool Treats Hot Ivan Hot Corner I've seen the Pitbull this weekend

What are those shows up north in California? If you're listening to this right now Is that this weekend? That's this weekend Tonight, 28th I will be opening for one Emma Arnold,

who's a talented up-and-coming young stand-up comedian. Oh, yeah. With whom I have a romantic relationship. Sure. The governor of Idaho, on the other hand. Is a goose wearing a top hat and a sash. Not talented at all, unless we're being a goose. On Thursday, 228, we're at the Hotel Petaluma in Petaluma.

In the Hotel Petaluma. You canuma. In the Hotel Petaluma. You can leave. It's not a big deal. Please come back. Friday, the 1st of March, we'll be at Barrel Brothers Brewing Company. That's not enough bees for you. I don't know what to tell you. Pound sand.

Bring it, bitch. Pound sand. You fuck one. In Windsor, California. Yeah, that's at 399 Business Park Court. That sounds made up. Once again, spelled B-I-Z-N-E-S-S. Bidness.

Bidness. And then Saturday the 2nd, we'll be at Old Growth Cellars in Eureka, California. That's where I broke my foot last. In Eureka. And then on the 3rd, I'll be trying to figure out how to get home from Eureka. Now, on the previous

podcast, I think it was on air, I said, oh, it's no sweat. I'll just drive home. It's a ten and a half hour drive. No traffic. I'm flying. You gotta fly from Pompano. They got an airport up there. We're driving to San Francisco. It's just five hours and we're flying from there. There you go. Is she coming in?

That's just a beautiful drive. It's gorgeous. I'm not going to have service for a lot of it, but it's a beautiful drive. That's perfect for me because I'll sing. Sing, you know? I've been on a couple of those trips with no service. DJ Sing. Your boy sings. There's also one gas station that has incredible

chicken, but there's one that has real bad chicken. I bet you there's a lot that has real bad chicken. The best Wendy's I've ever had is on the way to Sacramento. By the pea soup and the... That sounds like a country song. The best Wendy's I ever had was on the way to Sacramento. Wait, Sam...

Her last name was Thompson. Ian. The best Wendy's I ever had was on the way to Sacramento. Can you just say Roberto Clemente? Roberto Clemente. Clemente will you say Sue City Sarsaparilla Sue City Sarsaparilla Roberto Clemente

yo I like it greatest baseball player I've ever seen with my own two eyes is Roberto Clemente say this with some conviction say you stole my fucking voice you stole my fucking voice. You stole my fucking voice. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. You stole my fucking voice. Man! Because that's how he says it. Of course, we're talking about Robin Williams in Missed Outfire. Let me get a spicy chicken combo. Why don't you come into my office so I can kiss you? Can I get Osseago cheese

on that spicy chicken? Hey, can I come into your office? I feel like I'm doing a bad job. Will you give me a kiss? That's what really happened today. Hey, some lady called me an idiot. Will you kiss me in your office? Please give me a kiss. Yeah, so come see.

We said three, four. We said come see the shows. Come see me with Emma. I'll be at Florida State University on 420 with Sean O'Connor. With Sean O'Connor. With Sean O'Connor. That's so sick. Sean O'Connor, that's going to be tight. And yeah, just various other hustles.

Keep an eye on me. Today, we are gathered here in the Fortress of Solid. Oh, yeah. Late. It's fun, though. Late, dude. L8. The Late Late Show with James recording a podcast.

With the Late Late Show with James recording. That's With the Late Late Show with James recording. God damn, that's after a full day of work. And two shows. I'm like when my Prius runs out of gas, I'll switch it to the battery. It's like it might not last long. Auxiliary power. We are gathered here to draft,

it is a Patreon voted upon topic. DJ Patreon. Scram, scram, scram. Take the Patreon. Scream, scream, scream. Damn, son. Thanks for supporting the podcast. You're welcome. No. Not at all.

Not at all. No. One voice is the DJ Cannon voice. And one voice is fucking you doing Ken Kniff. And it's gross. I hate it. I hate it, too. It's not that bad. Yes, it is. Yeah and it's gross. I hate it. I hate it too. It's not that bad.

Yes, it is. Yeah, it's bad. People have fucking headphones in. I know. You know what I mean? Somebody hit us up. Sorry about that. You're just hitting that auditory.

It's as close to the brain as you can get without like shoving headphones up your nose. It's like rubbing a slug across someone's genitals with no consent. David! Boring. That's what it feels like. Visceral. That's what it feels like to consent. That's what it feels like. That's what it feels like to me.

That's what it feels like to me. It feels like you rubbed a slug across my nuts with no consent and now I just got that gross slug slime and how'd you even get in my fucking house, bro? Why don't you hold the mic like I always tell you to hold it? Slug nuts.

You listen to me, slug nuts. That's gonna be the new truck nuts. Yeah, dude, slug nuts. Slug nuts? I'll tell you to hold it. Slug nuts. You listen to me, slug nuts. That's going to be the new truck nuts. Yeah, dude, slug nuts, dude. Slug nuts? I'll take it. Just little slugs dragging testicles behind them? Oh, God, that sounds awful. You listen to me, slug nuts.

That sounds like something Shane would order somewhere. Johnny Ringo and the slug nuts, dude. Or listen to. That's a good name. Man, you're going to miss Shane the whole time he's here i'm not gonna miss him i wouldn't say i've been missing him i wouldn't tell you missing him i believe he might be in the pacific northwest at some point that we're also in the pacific northwest i'm gonna slap him hard dog right on the back i'm in and then hug him yep and then i'm gonna call him into

my office and give him a kiss give him a kiss uh we are gathering in the fort of salt dudes to draft a mulligan moments moments in your life whereSalle, dudes, to draft a Mulligan Moments. Moments in your life where you wanted a Mulligan. I'll tell you what happened is we got tired of drafting food and TV shows and music and shit like that. It was just too much. So I think I mean, when is this coming out? The first week of March? This will come out on

the 28th. 28th. So this is basically we're leaving that stuff behind for maybe a couple months. We're going to be doing some weird shit. We're going to do some wacky shit. I'm completely ready. We're going to fly back to the mothership. And then we'll come back and draft soups

or whatever. No, we're just going to draft situations where you'd be like, oh, soups, bro. Oh, soups, dude. I'm soups into that. Yeah. Corn chowder. So the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors did we tell them we're doing it yeah mulligan moments moments from your life oh maybe we didn't moments from your life where you would have ordered a

mulligatani soup definitely soup motherfuckers yeah no uh moments in your life that you just want to do over mulligan it's a golf term i believe uh yeah just moments you wish you could go back and make a different decision right that kind of yeah yeah totally i feel like they're all gonna be like pretty personal which will be fun yeah it'll be i got some fun stories locked and loaded i got some skateboarding ones it's gonna be cool i got some football ones do you yeah i think i think i got a couple i got a big football one ian and david never made a wrong decision on the field so there's nothing to to blame him about. That's the crazy thing is that I just...

Do I want to take back the game-winning sack? I followed every single trapping guard as soon as it happened. You maintained the gap? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I blew up the double team. Yo, they used to call me Young Gap Control. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also because I've never gotten a woman pregnant.

Gap Control, dude. Gap Control. Oh. gap control yeah yeah yeah also because i've never gotten a woman pregnant gap control dude gap control oh rock paper scissors you motherfuckers do it do it do it no all right here we go we throw on shoot rock paper scissor shoot oh david wins he shot up a sar is born so here's the thing about this oh that was very good right. I don't think it matters because I don't think there's going to be any. I don't think so either. So I'm just going to go me, Zach, Sean, Ian, just because that's the way we're sitting. Still take that hot corner.

I'll take that hot corner. But yeah, there's no. My next pick is the following day. It would be crazy if you guys picked the same shit I picked. Yeah. You didn't grow up with me. No, thank God. And that's exactly why.

I wear pants to town. Yeah. Not I, my friend. Two people talking about Chiswick. Mesh shorts and pink socks. It's a good look, though. I mean. You look happy.

I am. I'm with my fucking best friends in the world. I'm podcasting in Off-Whites, so just keep that I am. I'm with my fucking best friends in the world. How would I not be happy? I'm podcasting in Off-Whites, so just keep that in mind while I'm drafting. Yeah, I'm podcasting in the new AF1 Realtrees. They're tight, dude. Yeah. Me and Ian are almost wearing the inverted version of the same wardrobe.

Oh, you guys are. Oh, my God. Whoa. That's tight. We were inverted. That's dank. I usually bang on his door at five and go, what are you wearing? Yeah, I tell him, too. I's dank. I usually bang on his door at five and go, what are you wearing?

Yeah, I tell him too. I tell him. Then he comes in and we kiss. Wait, what is his office? Your office works for him. It's a home office for tax purposes. The taxman comes asking about it. Yeah, I do all sorts of work in there.

Fucking taxman can take a fucking... Mr. Taxman. Taxman comes... Give me a break. Knock, I do all sorts of work in there. Fucking taxman can take a fucking... Mr. Taxman. Taxman comes... Give me a break. Knock on my door, get a couple cat paws. You know? You punch a government official? I cat paw them.

I get them out of my area. No, you... I don't know if that's... You'd apologize for not paying more tax. We know you. I'm so sorry. It's so dank that you do this. All right, I'm going in.

Go in. The first... Well, hold on. What kind of draft is it do this. All right, I'm going in. Go in. The first. Well, hold on. What kind of draft is it? Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's late. No, no. What kind of draft is it?

Well, it's not even. That's a great question. We know. We know. It's a serpentine draft. Yeah. What does that mean? Oh, that's a great question, too.

It's wild. I was going to let you go ahead with it because I figured you'd get it by this point, but you haven't. So I'll explain it again. Calm down. Check your bass. I'm kind of a treble crowd over here. You know what I'm saying?

Check your tone. Check your bass or you're going to be in treble. We can't do the rest of the podcast. That was the funniest thing we'll hear. It's kind of like if you're at work and you're not in the office getting kissed, and you're outside kind of getting yelled at, and they call you into the office and uh they give you a little kiss and then they tell you to go they tell you to go back out and work and you go you go

before i go back to work oh cb so you work at cbs can i i'll thank you to not step on my words zach and it's kind of like if you go, I'll thank you to not laugh when I speak. You go, I'm going to go back to work. Before I do that, can I have another little smooch? They give you a little smooch. You go back out to work, get on the phone. Somebody calls you an idiot. Right, right, right.

A fucking idiot. Fucking idiot. And you go, I could use another smooch, but I'm also a grown-up. I could tough it out. Just kind of tough it out for a little bit. Next call, somebody calls you a fucking idiot, and you're like, I want a smooch.

I want a little smooch on the kisser. So you go back into the office. They don't even invite you. And you go, hey, can I have a kiss? I was doing it. I got yelled at. I got called an idiot. Hey, can I have a kiss?

And they give you a kiss, and you go, before I go back out there, can I have another kiss? Oh, okay. And they go, yeah, sure. Give you a kiss. A little double tap. Send you back out there. Ba-ba.

Basically what I mean, execution style. Basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Laser dot on your lips? David, it's been 120 something of these. You're going to have to get it at some point. You should call HR.

What am I going to call him? Can I call him dickheads? You should call him and tell him you've been being abused. All right. Smoochie, smoochie. So I'm first, yeah?

David Boyd with the first pick in the Mulligan All Fantasy Everything draft. And I want to say this. I want to preface all this by saying I have fucked up a lot in my life. Near constant. But most of them I don't really, I'm not upset about because it got me to where I'm at. But these ones are ones that i feel like i could have totally just missed i would have been all right oh yeah yeah first one bought a 400 car off the side of the road without anybody looking at it uh yeah so now i mean i felt like

i was gonna i feel like i'll be asking this a lot but so what would the mulligan so the mulligan would be not don't buy it 400 of the 578 dollars i had in the world on that broken car bargain them down to 395 that's what i would have done i had i had had my license for a week i don't know what i was thinking i was 19 damn and i bought this fucking car and it was a stick i didn't know how to was thinking. How old were you? I was 19. Damn. And I bought this fucking car. And it was a stick. I didn't know how to drive stick at the time. Well, you learn. My buddies came over.

We started driving it around my neighborhood. We got it to the Papa John's parking lot. And then the key broke off in the ignition. Wow. That's what you do to an ex-girlfriend. And then so then we got out. And we were like, well, maybe we'll just start it back up. And then it wouldn't start. It wouldn't start.

So I just left it in that Papa Murphy's Taken Bake parking lot for like, I mean, they hauled it off after two years, but I had to see it every day because I would walk to my job at Conoco and I would just- Two years? Because I just bought it and it didn't go anywhere. Yeah. So there were no plates on it. You couldn't tag it back to anybody because I barely owned it.

Well, that's the weird thing about, so you look at, and I didn't realize this until I, kind of until I got here, because in Portland, even you'd see cashed out whips all the time. But when you get somewhere like LA, you're like, that wouldn't last more than a day in a parking lot it'd be gone it was in the back on Smoky Hill and Temple I believe

if you're in Colorado you can go see it right by the Sonic that Papa Murphy's right in there yeah my shit was there yeah man when I was fucking when I was fucking working at the on Smoky and Himalaya at that conical up there I'd have to walk past that shit every day. Your own mistakes.

And I didn't learn any crazy lesson because I knew I shouldn't have done it from Jump Street. So it was just. Yeah, it's one of those ones where you're like, when it burns you, you're like, I can't tell anyone about this. I learned the lesson. My friends who were there trying to teach me how to drive stick knew about it. Right.

And yeah, so it would be like a funny thing. And the weird part is, I left it parked there. It filled with trash. Who's putting trash in it? Who knows, man? The Papa Murphy's was. Who knows? Who knows?

They got us working in shifts. When I was growing up, there were two pizza chains called Papa Aldo's and Murphy's. And Papa Aldo's was more in Oregon. Was it also Taken Bake? It was Taken Bake. Papa Aldo's. And then those companies merged, and it became Papa Murphy's. Wow.

And now it's like national, I think. Really? I mean, they have them in Colorado. They're in Ohio. Also, Papa Murphy's is pretty good. Yeah, they're in South Dakota. I don't understand people hating on Taken Bake. I like Taken Bake.

Seriously, I buy it from the grocery store. It's the best template you could buy. hating on Taken Bake. I like Taken Bake. Seriously, I buy it from the grocery store. It's the best template you could buy. Taken Bake? Yeah, because you can bring it home, and then you can kind of fuck it up the way you want it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, you make moves. Yeah, you just leave it on the counter for three hours.

The pizzas, I don't do that. You don't do that? Oh, God. I just live by a strict guideline. Very easy to follow. I'll forward you an email. Well, what do you do? You rub on the bottom.

You rub garlic on the bottom of it. On the bottom of DiGiorno pizzas. So that way it's not that cardboardy. You get a little bit of a... That's a good call. It's fucking smart. I would never think to do that. I didn't either.

It's weird in a way. Or Pam. You could Pam it. Do you bake it on a pizza stone, a way you could pan it do you make it on a pizza stone or do you just bake it flat on the rack just on the rack well then you can also i never thought of it but like you can get a vegetable and just chop like a jalapeno and just chop it up and throw it on you never churched up a pizza not really you buy pepperoni yourself take her to sunday i don't believe in god you know i don't know whoa whoa yeah dude it's wait

what what are we doing what podcast all fantasy everything oh no i don't know. Whoa. Yeah, dude. It's wait, what, what are we doing? What podcast? All fantasy, everything. Oh no, I don't really mess around with pizza. Like I don't church it up too much. Okay, cool. Yeah.

Yeah. That was a weird riff. I don't remember what I said. Okay. It wasn't a riff, man. What'd I say? Huh?

Zach. No, you look good though. I'm blind as a bet. Huh? I know Sean's first mistake. Yeah. Um,

well, again on that, that was my first mistake in 37 years with multiple cigarette burns on my arm. That's the first one you want. That's my first mistake. Yeah, dude. I'm going to get on that. That was my first mistake in 37 years with multiple cigarette burns on my arm. That's the first one you want back. That's my first mistake. Yeah, all right. Buying a $400 car off the side of the road, man. Yeah.

Yeah, just, you know. Now, I want to go back just maybe to eight minutes ago. And you said breaking a key off. And that's what you do to an ex-girlfriend? Yeah. Are you going around breaking keys? Yeah. Ex-girlfriend's keys off?

They call me a psycho. Damn, man. He said, baby girl, you won't love me no more, but you'll love this cocaine. My wild ideas are in the imagination. You seem to have real world experience. All around the world today. I got an off air. I have now an off air story.

A month ago, it would have been an on air story, but now it'll be an off air story. I'll tell you guys. Sean will tell you how to live show if you want yeah i definitely will or even a patreon episode we could talk about yeah seriously yeah unless unless that fucking snitch also is a patreon member which would be crazy i'm gonna be tight i'll take that money snitch stack it up stack it up fucking up a month of my, anyway, month of my sleep. Anyway, we're talking about, again, Gwyneth. Zacula,

time for your first pick. Yeah. Okay. This one's like David. I picked his big moments that I feel like are mistakes. I feel like those added to my character and whatnot. Yeah. It's hard.

It's hard. These are like standalones. Like if I wouldn't have made this decision, it really wouldn't affected my life other than just making that particular time less awkward. So mine is going to be a seventh grade. I wrecked the high school solar powered car. And then did you leave it?

That's very good. Did you sell it today? It was like, was this before or after that solar-powered car movie came out? I don't know. Do you remember that? No. Chase the Sun?

Yeah. Yeah, you do remember. You remember the name and everything. Talking like 96, 97. I was in seventh grade. They did a big, like all the, so the middle school was separate from the high school. So all the high school students came over who built this car. It took them like a year and a half to raise the funds and build this thing and make

it whatever and they were letting some of the seventh graders like ride it around and i got in let a seventh grader do shit the pedal was gas and the brake was like a handbrake like on a bike but when i was grabbing the steering wheel i wasn't like grabbing i wasn't like you know like holding the brakes so when i hit the gas like full go and it was like going way faster than i thought i was like trying to move my foot around for the other pedals and yeah you're coming so i just tell you how to drive it i mean maybe i don't remember you were too jacked you were too jacked to get in that sun mobile I drove it right into the school whoa

and the schools were raised so I didn't get decapitated but it just rammed right into the school and wrecked and

I was so surprised I did not get killed for that slow down being one of the only white kids in that school and being like sorry I wrecked

oh the schools were Hawaii we're talking about. So when you say they were raised, they were like on stilts. Wait, so what happened? Did they just have to work real hard to fix it? No, it broke. Oh, you deaded it.

No, it's over. It wouldn't run anymore. They didn't have any more money to fix it. Oh my God. I would take a mulligan on that too. That sucks. That's why they invented the term Howley. Thanks for that. Dickhead. You ever call it Howley?

No. Not to your face. You will Howley. Yeah, you will. And I'll say right back, well, Howley do. Howley do. Howley do it. Well, Howley yourself. Well, Hallelujah. Hallelujah. you know how we do how we do it well hallelujah well hallelujah hallelujah uh damn dude so it was

like that's not sitting it and driving yeah yeah yeah i remember that was a big thing was the name of the race i remember that was a big thing though yeah yeah yeah it was like a go-kart size yeah it wasn't like and you ruined it for everyone in the community. No. I mean, more than just not wanting to look at anyone. Yeah. Did people bring it up later? I think I also made other wild things that people were just like,

okay, this all kind of fits. What? Wait, what? What moves were you making? We're wrecking a sold-out car. It was like par for the course. I know. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

He also shit on the golf course last week. That's just what that kid does. The principal's pregnant. The principal's a guy. That was the first day Zach wore clothes to school was the day that he totaled that car. I somehow had a flame retardant suit on. I can't believe I crashed it.

Neither can we. He smoked a cigarette. weird anyway bye all right zach see ya go moonwalk home lamans damn the hardest race yeah but broke that solar car feel bad that's a good one that's it that's a i wouldn't mulligan that too it's wild the shit that you don't get in trouble for when you're young that you would get in trouble for knowing about that yeah i was so afraid of getting in trouble i didn't do anything bad that i got in trouble all the time it really sucked i don't know i i don't know what you're talking about i feel like i'm right in the middle i was fully punished as a kid i didn't yeah i didn't do as much bad stuff as i wanted to looking back like man i wish i would done more. But I did get in my fair share of trouble.

But nothing that ever really mattered. Nothing a quick kiss in the office could have fixed. Give me a goddamn kiss over here. If anyone's listening and wondering if we're referencing something that happened, we're not. We're not. No. No. Okay. Just so everybody knows.

It's just a pure flight of fancy. Yeah. Just a little bit. It's just a... We're just tripping the light fantastic. It's just a pure flight of fancy. Just a little bit. We're just tripping the light fantastic. It's just a jaunt into the absurd. Just like 10 years from now, like regular office, they're just like, you know, we found the perfect way to decrease stress is to kiss the employee.

A gentle kiss. After they've made a mistake. Right on his penis. Shane Jordan, it's time for your first pick. Excuse me? Shane Jordan. Wow.. Shane Jordan. It's time for your first pick. Excuse me? Shane Jordan. Wow. Yeah.

Wow, man. Shane tell Jordan, if you will. Don't you, David? I'm leaving town for a week on Friday. I got to get it in, man. I know. I'm going to fill your tanks up. I know.

With Shane Cougar Mellon, Jordan, on the ground. Yeah, Shane Cougar Mellon. Yeah. My first mulligan would be what I think turned me off a weed was when I did a gravity bong with all this dirt schwag that my friend Rue loaded up in the sink. And tried to kiss you? And he did kiss me in his office at home. Oh, that's legal then. His home office.

No, he just loaded this giant gravity bong and shoved my face into it. And I think that was the turning point where weed didn't work with me. Really? Yeah. Because he forced you to smoke it? He didn't. I knew what I was doing. So I got up to do it.

I'd never done a gravity bong. And I was kind of easing in. And he's like, you just got to do it. And he jammed my head down. And so the whole two liter went right into my lungs. And this is weed from, this is South Dakota weed from like, fuck man, 20 year dog 17 years ago yeah yeah dude this is some of that whiskey flats weed you could just see you could see shit like floating around in there it was just the worst and

i freaked out couldn't feel my feet drove to my friend joey's house uh told him i couldn't get in and i i called him back i was like i couldn't get in, and I called him back. I was like, I couldn't get in. He goes, dude, the door was wide open. Well, I never liked it when someone's like trying a drug for the first time, and the other person's like, you gotta do it hardcore. You're like, just let people go. It wasn't the first time, but

what I did is I told him I'd never been high before. You know when you're a kid? Was that true? I thought so, but you know, you smoke weed, and you're like, I've never been high because you're not fucking like they true i thought so but you know you spoke weed and you're like i've never been high because you're not fucking like they aren't half-baked or days confused where you're just like giggle happy and freaking out sometimes it just takes a couple yeah yeah seriously my third time to finally so yeah it was one where i was like i've never been high and he's like well we'll fix that and then fucking i got blotto and from that day i was just like i don't really like it and again that was

17 years ago 18 years ago some shit but how old are you i never really i'm trying at 19 maybe 18 19 you smoked oh you were older than i thought you were then yeah well because we we did it growing up but it was never that's what i'm saying we never really thought we got stoned then that one day and then i was like well this is the worst and then tried it for years again soon yeah i i think it's getting to the point where key shit yeah like yeah like a like a nice chill like going anywhere sunday night or something or no like a saturday night dude just like chilling yeah where there's maybe nothing to do the next day to do the next day we're hanging out we're on zeitgeist i go lose change i start a chainsaw in the other room we've got wingstop and bw3 i started chainsaw in this room i invite some people over you don't know

who seem like way too old to be hanging out it'll be fun dude but i'm kind of old so you guys are older like in their 60s, but they seem rough, you know? Yeah, dude. I move your stuff around in your room. It's like a fun night. Good, chill night. Just put on like a mask. Like a couple different. What is your plane crashing on YouTube?

Holy crap. Yeah, all right. Let's do it. I'm in. All right. Fantastic. All right. We're in. Yeah. That was my first mulligan. I would like to go back and not do that gravity bond. So you could properly enjoy a weed. Dip my feet in the bathtub a little different. Maybe smoke a blunt, like I should have been doing when I was 18.

Blunts. Not a trashy-ass gravity bond. I mean, he's sharing a blunt to the face, doesn't... But either way. Yeah, but you smoke a blunt. You don't take it all to the dome. I took this, what I imagine was a lot of shitty weed straight to the dome and i wasn't ready for it so yeah i'd like a mulligan on that i'll be i wouldn't yeah absolutely yeah thank god

kids now get to well oh they can do that but like it's got to be like they got better quality yeah they're dabbing dude oh gosh i can't imagine you do dabs good for you but the problem is is once you start doing dabs you can't like flower doesn't do it for you and then you're like what am i like what am i living in well no i've been doing i've been doing dabs for quite some time don't you ever do that dude do what today hold on do it not today do what david not on my special fucking day why are you david david what are you doing? No! I hate it when you do that.

It's like a brief spasm. Your body has never looked worse. It's not even dabbing because you're a baby bird. And I think you're beautiful. I'm both body and consciousness. You're a baby bird over there, dude. No, I don't. Momentary lapse of reason. No, I get it.

It's so bad. I probably won't do it again for the rest of the night. Huh, huh, huh. Yeah. Dab huh, huh. Yeah. Dab. All right. Ugh. Dabney Coleman over there.

Yeah, dude. Nine to five. Dab just bricky. You guys watched... I didn't. Death Dab for Cutie. Because I knew. You're that guy.

Yeah, I knew the whole time. I didn't even watch the Cosby show ever. I watched one episode of the Cosby show, and he made, I remember I was probably like 10 or 11, and he made the dopest looking sandwich. And I was like, wait right there. And I went to the kitchen and made myself a beautiful sandwich. I remember I put pepper and salt on it.

Oh, dude. Really? Because he used to make these like Dagwoods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to make a Dagwood now. I do too. Also, shout out to Crably Booper on the subreddit. He's making us our sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spanglish has a good scene. I do, too. Also, shout out to Cradley Booper on the subreddit. He's making us our sandwich.

Oh, yeah. Shout out to Cradley, dude. Cradley. Oh, man. I'm Cradley Brupler. You stole my fucking voice. Well, I didn't steal your name because mine's original. It's Cradley Brupler.

Cradley. You know who I like is that Cradley Bupler guy. I like that. Cradley Brupler. Lady Gaga was amazing. Sam Elliott was amazing. Cradley Bupler. Cragley Boopler guy. I like that Shraddler Shroopler. Lady Gaga was amazing. Sam Elliott was amazing. Cragley Boopler. Shraddler Goopler.

Just on Sunday. You know, I really think Shraddler Shroopler should have won this award. You know, there can be a hundred people in the room, and if Cragley Bloopler is one of them. Shraddler Scoopler. Hashtagly Grouper. I think my first pick is uh i'm i'm gonna i wish i had a mulligan on which college i went to oh really the first time yeah so what did you want this is a major

one because it would have really affected my life and i don't like i like the way my life is right now right but uh i wish i had better friends That's what we were talking about earlier. A lot of these, because we're sitting here and I'm like, I don't know, whatever I did got me here somehow. It's tricky. And there's no way, maybe I don't want to. In a fantasy world, if you still got to end up here just with a little different.

I never had a super typical college experience. My freshman year, here's why i got like good grades and i had really good sat smart boy i'm a smart boy i'm a smart boy chick this is not turning into a problem but i went to i went to southern oregon university sure which is not a good school it's fine why did you go there? Because Nick Nampe was going there. Not on the room, not on the podcast, but hopefully listening. But Nick could have gone to a better school too, probably. Why did Nick go there?

Because we just all, like a bunch of us wanted to go to the same school because high school was ending. And like me and Nick and our friend Walter, and I think even our friend Mario, we were all like, we're all going to go to this one school, you know, and it'll be awesome. And only Nick and I ended even our friend Mario. We were all like, we're all going to go to this one school, you know, and it'll be awesome. And only Nick and I ended up going. Mario went to like a community college in Eugene.

Walter went to like Whitworth or Whitman or whatever, whatever the good one is up in Washington. And we were there both at fucking Southern Oregon. And it was tight. There were amazing times there. Of course, of course, of course. At the time, I got a, like it was Nick's birthday. Well, first of all i freshman year i went through this weird i did the weirdest things when left to my own devices yeah that's where it was like my bedtime just changed an hour later every day

yeah to the where i was like you know what's the normal time to go to bed two in the afternoon three in the afternoon you know and then like it just went around the clock because you're ungoverned when it's the first time you it's the first yeah no one's there being like it's not like nampay is like ian go to bed dude right yeah yeah yeah yeah he'd be like do you want to watch all three extended editions of the lord of the rings movies i'm like yeah yeah man i'm not going to bed till three tomorrow rich lake oswego roommate who's honestly thinking about putting a hot tub in our dorm room. Shit was weird, man. That guy's name was like Kyle Clark or something like that.

Sure. If any of you know him in Oregon, tell him what up, I guess. It was weird. I used to go on these long, weird walks into Lithia Park in Ashland and just sit there at 3 in the morning. It just was weird. All that stuff was awesome. All that part, all that was awesome. The school wasn't great.

Uh, I wish I would like, and it would have been really fun to have like a real college experience, like to go to like, Oh, University of Oregon or like, I was one of the good schools and shit. And sometimes like,

I'm like, although I don't know if I like, maybe I don't really want to, cause I love my life life why do you feel like you didn't have a real college experience there weren't like there weren't college parties like the ragers and shit and you didn't those stories where you're like walking on the street and you just there wasn't yeah into a party and like you meet a bunch of people you know that didn't i feel you it wasn't yeah there weren't like big parties there weren't like yeah i don't know it was just like everybody doing that's what i mean it's like what the fuck we got drunk but we got drunk in like dorm rooms and like there wasn't

anywhere to go you know like it wasn't like a strip with all the bars no nothing like that you get drunk like late stage alcoholic drunk where it's just like you and your friend and you're like we have to get drunk tonight we played played a lot of NCAA football on Xbox. It was all fun and shit. I was just like, I, it would have been cool. And then the year after they ended up transferring to Portland state

anyway, which is where all the good shit in my life happened. Ideally, if I could, I would have been like, let me go to UW freshman year and then transfer to Portland state or something like that. You know,

I graduated from like a commuter school and I felt that same way. Like the last three years where you're like, I really just come to school and then I leave. Yeah. This isn't like a, this isn't a life changer. Yeah. There was just,

yeah, it was just like all of a sudden I'm like, what am I doing here? You know, at this fucking school. Yeah. But whatever. I mean,

I was there with Nick, so I don't regret that at all. I really enjoy, you know, I mean, that's almost still, that's still like one of my, you know with this fucking school yeah but whatever i mean i was there with nick so i don't regret that at all i really enjoy you know i mean that's almost still that's still like one of my you know but you and nick best friends that would have been crazy you'd be dead man you might not be here justin ampay if you're going to either of the portland shows i think nick will be there look out look out for that dude he better be there good fucking deal the whole weekend he'll be around so maybe i don't regret it because then I would have lost it on that year with Nick. Well, you can't start thinking that way. Take the Morgan.

It's fine. These aren't regrets. These are... Nick would have gone to that school, too. Yeah. In that regret. But time for my second pick. Goddamn it, Nampay.

God, fuck. God, fuck. We have to get personal on some of these. Oh, yeah, dude. I got... Yeah, yeah. This is one where... It glad i'm it's a breakup one okay and i'm friends with this woman still so i don't and i'm glad i'm friends with her

but god i mean if we're keeping it 100 like the and i won't name names or anything like that and like we oh she's gonna know taraji p handsome's gonna know you're talking about her on the set applause she's me and this me and this woman dated and the last six months of our relationship it was so clear and she like in in way in like made she made like a lot of half efforts to kind of end the relationship and i kept like trying to talk us into being in that relationship right in a lot where i was like no it'll be okay no we'll work through this insurmountable you know obstacle you don't know blah blah blah blah blah like it'll be great it'll be great it'll be great just to like and i was like lying to myself more than anything

you know what i mean i'm just trying to keep myself. Well, that's scary. Cause I, I loved and still love this person. She's amazing. She's amazing. But it was just like, uh, we clearly shouldn't have been in that relationship.

And I kept trying to make that relationship happen and to salvage it. And like, well, it's hard to give up on. I mean, it's hard, it's hard to get up on, but it was like so clear.

Yeah. And even in the moment I knew this, like, I'm like, this should be over. Yeah. All I'm doing is hurting myself and like filling myself with anxiety all the time.

Sure. Wondering if she's mad at me or being like getting into these fights on the phone. You know what I mean? It was a long distance relationship and stuff like that. And just be like, what the fuck? Like the Mulligan would have just been like ripping that

band-aid off and being like oh man you could have just been free fun and fancy i could have been free fun and like and gone through the process faster and not had like these like several months of it being like shitty and like for what yeah you dummy i i got the same thing i know what you mean and it would have been a ghost of a relationship. It was totally a ghost of a relationship. A relationship that was probably never even that cool. It was, I mean, this one was pretty cool. It was pretty rad. It was pretty, it was, but it was like, it was very cool for like when it was cool.

And then when it got not cool, it was like pretty not cool. Pretty obvious. Yeah. Right. Through no, not her fault at all. No. That happens in relationships. She's fucking awesome.

I mean, she went on to be Dame Judi Dench. It was Dame Judi Dench. Yeah. It was Dame Judi. She wasn in relationships. She's fucking awesome. She went on to be Dame Judi Dench. It was Dame Judi Dench. She wasn't a dame at the time. Well, that's why. He used to just call her Dame Judi Dench. Damn Judi Dench. Damn Judi Dench. You know, knighted?

Damed? What did they call it? I mean, Ian damed her. Dame time. The British government made it proper. You know what I'm talking about? Can we do the Meryl Streep thing real quick? Dame.

Oh, which one? The one? Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep.

Old Meryl Streep. Old... You have to keep saying young Meryl Streep. I know. All right. All right. I toned it down a little bit. Young Meryl Streep.

Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep.

Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep.

Yeah. That was crazy. Yeah, dude. It's all the different kinds of Meryl Streep. Oh, my gosh. Young, old, and dead. Yeah. Meryl Streep, I know you're listening, so sorry about that.

I just wish I would have had more respect for myself and that real kind of love for myself at the time and just ended it because it was like I mean it sucks you're in for a whole lot of hurt young man you're a lot of unnecessary you don't know that yet I didn't know that unfortunately

I was subjecting myself to it was at a point where I was like being it was shitty for me. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's definitely a lot of work. I was being treated in a shitty way because this relationship should have been over. Of course. You know what I mean?

But I was like, maybe this will get better, which is fucking my bad. You know what I mean? It's a lesson you have to learn. It is, yeah. And I learned it. Unfortunately, honestly, taking a mulligan, you're just going to do it five years down the road.

It's one of those bummers. For the sake of the draft. I guess I got too real. Yeah. Maybe or maybe not, but it's just a mulligan I wish I could have back. Anyway, that's that pick. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick.

So when I was in football, one time I got to practice. I got a bit about it. When I was in football, that's how we said it. When he was a young woodhog. You know, back in the Dust Bowl, when I was in football, back when men were men. When I was a leatherhead. I went to football practice, and I did the splits one time.

And boy, oh boy, if I wouldn't go back and not do the splits. And I have a whole bit about it. We don't need to get into all that. You'd have 10 less minutes. But boy, I'll tell you, if I could go back

and not have done the splits, If I could go back. I've never understood how a man's instincts could portray him so full heartedly. Not have done the splits. That molded, like I exaggerate, but there were a solid two years where like that's the kid I was. Yeah. Was the kid who did the splits. Because it got around. Yeah, of course. I was on Mellow Yellow.

So like there was like Flynn and Morels and all these teams. We'd play each other, and they'd be like, they would just say, because everybody knew each other. We're all the same kids. There were four middle schools. Splitsville. Yeah, and they'd be like,

you're the fucking loser. Friends like his legs doing the splits. It stopped briefly and then just shimmied to everyone else yeah dude it's one of those things where i'm like i wonder if i would have been oh accepted into yeah the the like friendship circle that now it's another one of those things now i realize that i'm thrilled about the friendship circle i went into because i was like skating and all that yeah but had i not done that i could have skated by on charisma and not being good at football and just been like this kid Weisbecker who wasn't very good

but he was just the most charming, charismatic kid in the world, didn't do the splits of football. He was at all the cool parties. I'll tell you the truth. I think about you doing the splits of football all the time. You would have been mean to me. Oh my God. Ruthless. I would have got up on that ass. What a

silly thing to have thought you could do. I would have got up on that ass. What a silly thing to have thought you could do. I would have. You're dealing with killers. It's like you hadn't met anyone else on the football team. It's like I hadn't met anyone else. If you would have not done the splits, where do you think you'd be? Do you think you own Tommy Jones? KS, who falls?

Yeah. Mr. Destiny. What are you talking about? Oh, dude, Mr. Destiny. I'm married to January Jones. I'm Jon Hamm and Mad Men. They did it. You're married to Rene Russo.

I don't know where I'd be. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to be anywhere else. But I tell you, I would have saved myself a couple years worth of hurt and ridicule. Yeah. It was a bummer. I hurt myself. I hurt myself.

It was such a bummer. And then, so the kid that instigated the whole thing came up to me at Tommy Jack's one so the kid that like instigated the whole thing came up to me at Tommy Jack's one time. The kid that instigated the whole thing is sitting in this room. No, the kid who, no. You did have a TJ Maxx. No, Johnson goes, Johnson. So I walk up and Johnson goes, he goes, you can do the splits, right?

And I go, can I? That's how the joke really goes. That's how the story really goes. He goes, hey, so he had the whole team behind him. Now I realize it was like a setup. So I walk up and he goes, hey, Sean, you can do the splits, right? And I go, can I? And I just, boom, straight to him.

Did you really say, can I? Who knows? Something. I was like, fuck yeah. I bet you did. You know you have your line lined up for when you do it? Something to that effect. And then I just did them and they were just straight to the words you think they were saying it's wild because like it's pretty cool

you could do the splits if i could do them now i'd do them all the fucking time but yeah that was one of those things where i'm like i'd be upset if i'd have kept that to myself yeah if you do the splits a lot now like if i came home and like i'm just sitting like really if he was doing the splits and nunchucks pick a thing thing. To be honest, I would like you taking the heat off me. I'd be in the back of a practice like, thank God. I'm just sitting here doing the splits, eating Jersey Mike's with no hands. Just dipping my face into the plate. I feel like in Beavers in Oregon, you might have been able to get away with the splits.

Maybe a little more progressive. You still would have gotten called all those terrible names just because that's what kids said then. Yeah. Yep. That's one thing I would go remove is me having done the splits in front of a bunch of people.

So Johnson would have been like, hey, can't you do the splits? Johnson would have been in a golf hole. You're goddamn right I can't, Johnson. Fuck you. Let's fucking, let's hit people, you know? I can. I can also roundhouse kick.

Ki-i. Your mom's hot. And then everybody would make fun of him. Dude, if you had your back to the future moment, you could go back in time and answer him. Can't you do the splits and I walk up and spit on him? Yeah, but in a split, my mom's got a whole car full. Man, how buck would that be?

Just go back and be like, fuck you, Johnson, and break his nose. Johnson, you know where you're going to be in 20 years? Yeah. He's probably talking about me right now. So anyway, there it is. Aluminum siding. Doing the splits of football is my second mulligan. Good pick.

Zach just got it. Yeah, Zacula. Me turn. Zacula of Glensylvania. Me turn, bro. I'm going to go. This is a solid number two. I'm going to go with I wouldn't have wrote my own porn.

Oh, you're wild. You wouldn't have what? I forgot about that. So there's an explanation. I have to stand up, guys. You don't remember this? No, I don't know if I ever knew about this. You wrote your own porn?

He said it on the show. I don't listen to this fucking podcast. You were there. That's the funniest thing in the world, is what he said. David's standing up, walking around. David's all the way to Highland Park. That's the craziest shit I've ever heard somebody say david's for real standing up in the kitchen

set set in the scene yeah also hawaii what a wild thing to say to your friends i feel like most of this happens in hawaii i wrecked the solar car i wrote a porno this was probably within the same year jamaican you crazy so so why are you lack of internet no internet sure no you didn't need to tell me you were left to your own devices no resources whatsoever

so in my mind I thought I'll just write my own involving people I knew like you know

girls in class or friends of my parents or whatever well you write what you know as in class or friends of my parents or whatever you well you write what you know as any good author would yeah you work with what you have so you were like you survey the field you audible like was it like detailed i mean i'm sure it was just like and i humped her and she smiled or whatever like i didn't know really how sex works probably but it was like you know it was a lot it was a probably

two composition books full oh my god whoa that's a ton prolific yo that's more than jokes i've written i've been doing this nine years so did you know how much it was it was two composition books that's like how many videos is that? They were 125 wide ruled? And I was going front and back. Oh my god. And your parents just had to find... No, your mom's... We eventually got the internet.

So then I was like, goodbye. And I threw them in the trash. You guys don't remember this? And then what? Nothing, nothing. This is just killing me. I just know how it ends. Yeah, so I threw them in the trash. You guys don't remember this. And then what? Nothing, nothing. I just, this is just killing me. Oh. I just know how it ends. Yeah, so I threw them in the trash and then

when I was at school, the dog knocked over the trash so my mom came home, found all these papers, and then when I came home, I like, so the door opens right into the kitchen. Ian's eyebrows, by the way, are spiked right now. Oh, yeah. They might get sucked into a jet engine. kitchen. Ian's eyebrows, by the way, are spiked right now. Dude, they are at red alert.

They might get sucked into a jet engine. It's a tide. So when I came home, our house was built backwards, so the front door opened into the kitchen, and I saw her sitting at the table, and she had all of the writing laid out like exhibits

on the kitchen table. Where did your heart go? Just to your shoes? I'll tell you exactly what I did. I ran away from home for two days. That's shit. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. No, you gotta retreat to the jungle. It's too hot right now.

I'm glad you're back. You're past the awkward shit, but yeah, we had a conversation. I live in the pineapple groves now. I swear I've never heard this story before. I used to do a bit about it. It's been on the show. I don't know. On All Fantasy Everything?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I've taken a lot of information. We've definitely talked about this on the show. I don't know. I mean, it's hilarious right now. You've got to remember that I've got to know everything you know, but also about Dominic Wilkins.

Spud Webb. Yeah, Spud Webb did the Atlanta Hawks. We were watching them both earlier. Really? Yeah, we were watching Dunks. When I texted when i talk to like we're just chilling watching dunks we were chilling watching dogs much rather be doing that than fucking going up after aubrey plaza so you left for two days so here's what i want to know he swam he swam to the big island it's like back out turn and i ran it was over it, I'm not, I can't look at her right now. Because these are people, when we talked about it, she was like, my friend, Karen.

Like, you know. These are people she knows. That means your parents had to lay in bed with each other that night. Oh, they were divorced. Well, your mom and your stepdad, your dad and your in-law. Yeah, yeah. Right? They had to lay in bed.

Whatever. Anyway, anyway. They had to lay in bed with each other, and she had to be like, so I showed Zach that I found that book. And he was like, oh. Damn it, Karen, why would you do that? We needed that book, Karen. That was a little too, Karen. Why would you do that? We needed that book, Karen. That was a little too, Karen.

Why would you do that? Oh, my God. Whoa, John Spiker. Jesus. I mean, you were just out on the pineapple grove. Dude, I was so scared. Where did you go? I just went to a friend's house.

Okay, yeah. And I came back, and yeah, we had a conversation for sure. That must have been one of the most uncomfortable conversations of all that's when people were like oh your parents ever catch you masturbating I'm like they saw into my mind oh my god that is so much worse than just you pounding them

right because porn they're just like well this is what he had to watch they don't read anything into that your mom read your innermost sexual fantasies if somebody sees you beating off they have an idea of read anything into that. Your mom read your innermost sexual fantasies at age 12. If somebody sees you beating off, they have an idea of what they think you're thinking about.

If they look at what you're... That's wild. I don't know, man. I almost feel like I'd be proud of my kid. I'm like, look at this ingenuity. Creative little bugger. I'm sure you weren't doing wild shit or maybe you were doing wild shit.

I'm in a barrel of mud. Yeah, that's why. I'm smoking a cigar. You've been catching rain dress. To be honest, I think I thought roses were a big part of it. So there's probably like a lot of that imagery. They are a big part of it, Zach. Flower petals.

Yes, all of it. Love making is like that. What do you they are a big part of it zach flower petals they yes all of it love making is like that what do you know you're not married well no neither is zach i'm just speculating i'm older shit man i'm over here trying to swim zach's drowning trying to throw him a fucking life preserves listen flowers yeah that's good that's a good mulligan fucking flowers was your mulligan? You'd throw it away elsewhere or you just would never do it? I'd keep it. My mulligan, I'd do it harder. I'd write more. It's all zeroes under his bed right now. I'd never stop. Yeah, two notebooks full. I didn't even think about that. The mulligan, I'd go back and I'd do it twice as hard. Before we leave this, did you have more fun writing it

or reading it? Zach can't read. I just felt the pen. It's not funny if someone can't read, but it was funny to me right then. What an elegant S. I think it worked all the way around. It was a full service. Good answer.

Good answer, bud. Hell yeah, dude. David Moore. My next one. Some of you guys out there might have made this move. Man, I didn't learn anything. I knew it was a bad idea going in, and I still fucking did it. I'm picking going to homecoming the year after I graduate.

Oh, no, David. Wow. Holy crap. You guys think I'm the hip, suave, spicy, urban, hot-steppin' individual you see before you? You went to home, David. You are, but you maybe weren't. Yeah. Oh, man.

I went back, bro. Here come the hot stepper. I'm going back to homecoming. We went to a small school. Wait, Elizabeth Colorado, right? Calm down. Elizabeth Olsen. a small school wait Elizabeth Elizabeth Colorado right calm down Elizabeth Olsen shout out to the

80107 646 Cheesy's Pizza I see you yeah Sam Talent Sam Talent I bet Cheesy's Pizza

makes a good pizza shut up yeah I bet they do Nick Salazar I'll call you tomorrow brr brr brr

sure anyways the whole point is yeah man that's a mulligan i was hanging out with this girl and i fucking i went back and everybody immediately was like because it's a small school so everybody was just like what are you what are you doing yeah david david i remember the peeve miss peevler that was our like security guard the one that like you know she was always chasing people down one kid punched in the face but she was like the security guard and i remember she like, you know, she was always chasing people down. One kid punched her in the face, but she was like the security guard.

And I remember she was like, what is going on? And I was just, I don't think I've ever been as embarrassed. When did the embarrassment hit in the process? As soon as I started walking up. Damn, that's early. This was such a bad. Did you finish? Did you finish?

Did you smoke it to the filter? You finished the whole thing? I smoked it to the filter, but like it was. Damn. Were you finish? Did you smoke it to the filter? You finished the whole thing? I smoked it to the filter, but it was jammed. Were you getting looks from administration? Everybody, because you just, it's the look. You get the look of a perv. Everybody's like, you're clearly. And she was like a senior.

It wasn't. Right. It wasn't even like that. It wasn't even like that. It was literally just my friend, but it was just. Because I was like, because I was under the impression i was like you know i graduated in may and it's october i'm still out here baby you know it's weird because it's not it's not that no it's not that crazy yeah it's it's it's all the months you're still a child it's the biggest

gas that's true it was god i had like we a whole summer. I was at homecoming with an apartment. It was just. That makes you so different, man. It was just so bad. When you're like, I'm going home where my parents aren't. Yeah. That makes you different. It was so.

Even though there were other kids there who were your same number age. Yeah. Yeah. Most of them. Because my birthday's in May. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. So a lot of the seniors were your same number age. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, most of them, because my birthday's in May. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So a lot of the seniors were my same age at the time. Yeah, but oof. That's wild.

Yeah, that one really. That's a good. And it was just your friend, too. Yeah, it was just. That's one of the biggest L's I've ever taken. That's a big L, dude. RIP. Big L, rest in peace.

Yeah, man. That was, I almost did that because I was 19 and my girlfriend was 18. You'd be so glad you did. That would have been a bummer. It's the worst feeling. Wow. Yeah, it wouldn't have been. I don't even have much more to talk about.

Walking through those hallowed halls after graduation. I was down in Ashland, Oregon, man. I was down there. You were down there cutting it up with Nampa. Cutting it up with Nampa, yeah. Smart. What's smart about it? I was getting a phone call on his birthday saying he was dead.

Have I told this story on here before? How's that funny? We did that to our friend's mom one time because kids think it's funny. It wasn't even a funny thing. So I'm in bed. On his birthday, we had a few drinks. But again, my sleep schedule was fucked up. Well, you were going to bed at three in the afternoon.

That's awesome. So on his birthday, I cashed out early, and I was in bed, and I got text messages. I think it was text from people in Portland saying- Get some Boost Mobile, where you at? I'm in the studio. But I got texts about Nam Pei like, hey, is Nam Pei okay? We heard he got alcohol poisoning, or he's like- Some people were like okay we heard he like got alcohol poisoning or he's like we we some people were like we heard he died and i was like what the fuck so i woke up super mad at his roommate

and uh stormed over there being just like for for like three minutes thinking like nick's dead or something like that yeah and i ran over there and he was so hammered joking aside what time was this probably would you say i don't know one okay like one one a.m yeah okay um but he was just like blackout drunk passed out on a couch or not even passed out yet but for sure blackout drunk getting there yeah he was in it he was up in it and i don't know people he had gone to a party and someone saw him getting taken out of it it was a a real taken out of a car and like carried, but like obviously not dead. Yeah.

Fucking gave him a telephone, which British people call Chinese whispers. Wow. That sounds very racist to me. Those fucking red coats are racist. Everything about that feels real. I call them on it. They're like, no, he's not racist.

I'm like, it's for sure racist. You guys can't call something chinese anything uh-uh yeah what's a what's a british whisper you marmite bastards yeah goddamn red coats adam same shit happened adam one time vegemite's australia marmite thing we had a skate video premiere and adam was just blotto and he's he's throwing up like in a in a like a tupper like a rubbish bin like one of those big rubber made rubber made yeah yeah he's throwing up in one of those next to his bed and someone's like is adam okay is he gonna fucking die and i go in there i'm like no man he like no he's barfing he's yeah what are you talking about the process is working things half full it's all out of it uh homecoming the year after he graduated

god that's an epic that might be the gnarliest sent shivers down all of our spines yeah i know we're all just like oh thank god we never did that and and once again i knew it was wrong so i didn't learn anything yeah right i could just i could have just hung out that night by yourself it would have been better with my friends who were 20 yeah yeah it was a stupid idea okay uh my next pick you know, and I still bear this on my body today. And boy, is it embarrassing. Damn it. I have Carpe Diem tattooed on my wrists. What?

Yeah, Sean doesn't know because he's never looked at a black person before. It's true. You're racist, dude. That's neither here nor there. I'm looking at one. Be that as it may. I'm looking at one right now. I'm looking at one right now,

and I'll tell you what. I don't like you saying one, but not one better. No, you're not racist i did not know you had any tattoos you didn't no you really didn't? No, I had no idea. Maybe we've covered it at the roost. It says it on my roost. Deep. Deep in the night. I'm usually a short-sleeved daddy. I had no idea that you had a tattoo on your wrist.

Wild. Well, either way, it says Carpe Diem. And that means? Indulge me. Please indulge me. Hey, buddy, having Carpe Diem on your wrist is better than having carpal tunnel oh man do you mind if i slide into your carpe diems you know what carpe diem means i do i just indulge me please sean's got carpe we versus them oh that was not as good as i thought

it was it means seize the day there it is it's just it's from dead. I did learn it from Dead Poets Society. Like, that's for sure where I learned it. Great fucking movie. I was 18. I got it on the inside of my wrist. It's like an aspiring beat poet or something. It's just so, I didn't, it's so dumb. You have carpe'd several DMs, though. So, I mean, it's like.

Yeah, I was doing that before the ink, baby. All right, man. It's not on me. It's in me. Yeah, exactly. It was just, you know, it's a confirmation. It's stupid. Yeah.

It was like a stupid. It's stupid. But more than anyone. It's not, though. It's all right, man. I can't tell you. It doesn't look bad. But it's just like a dumb thing to get.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I got to tell my kids at the beach daddy went to Bonnaroo Tattoo and you know he was 18 I'm not gonna do that no

Fetty Cent was on our show yesterday and he said it really hurts to get tattoos removed I was gonna ask you about that Fetty Cent and Elizabeth Warren he's getting his whole they didn't kiss I wish maybe he needed to get in trouble going to ask you about that. Did he send Elizabeth Warren? Did they kiss? They didn't kiss. I wish. Oof, I tried.

Hey, well, maybe he needed to get in trouble going to her office. If I know my man, he pitched it. He probably did pitch it. He likes an older white lady. He does. Chelsea Handler. I know that's only one example. That's quintessential right there.

If I had sex with Chelsea Handler, I wouldn't stop talking about it either. Man, I talk about it all the time. I would too. My Twitter handle would be David had sex with Chelsea Handler. I mean, Ian and her kiss, but that was just business. You got in trouble that one day.

You had to go into the office. Go back there and write. Smack. I gave her a smack. Carpe diem, yeah. I think think it's tight I've always wanted tattoos I've always wanted at least a tattoo I have tattoos that a 14 year old Runaway stripper has

Well maybe you should have kept your clothes on Runaway train Is that what that song's about? Never going back Wrong way on a one-way track Feels like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there That wasn't Soul Asylum.

No, it wasn't. It was me. Yeah, yeah. You're shy. We want to know what you're... Zach, what's your next pick? Man, I'm sorry. No, no apologies. Come on.

My next pick, my third pick is going to start with a four because it's four loco. I would have. Oh, there you go. I would take a mulligan on the four loco craze. 100%. The brief time that I drank was in this. The barf time that I drank.

Yeah, seriously. I was there the barf time Zach drank. It was all over my fucking sink. That was post loco. This was in the pocket loco. Could have fooled me, my friend. So what happened was in this particular day, I drank two, four locos.

Eight locos. And it was a... Consecutive? Or like you chilled and then did another one? Oh no, one and one, like right back to back. 96, 97. Two two four locos i call that the 16k and i was probably running on a just a steady pace of six locos just on my person just being me so you add eight to that yeah your local your local natural earlier in the day so

what happened was there was a big party at the place i lived at for my buddy doug who was back on two weeks furlough from Iraq. I don't know why, but I was 80% sure you were going to say it was back on Adderall. No, my buddy Doug was back on Adderall. Back on Adderall. Calming down.

We threw down for him. It was calming down. I'm sorry. No, that's a much worse story. So it's like his last night before he goes back to Iraq, which he's been telling us how much it fucking sucks and everything. And earlier

in the day, in the shower, I thought I felt a lump on my testicles. Oh, yeah. This story I have heard. Were you jerking off? No, I was just checking. What do you do with your testicles when you're being knocked out? What, is he going to bring a notebook into the fucking shower? How do you jerk off your testicles when you're beating off? What are you going to bring a notebook into the fucking shower? How do you jerk off?

We had different. Are you touching your testicles when you beat off? Because I'm not. Sometimes. Damn, I don't. When I'm right on the corner, yeah. Right in the corner. Do you?

I don't know. Here's what I say. The eggs are out. Put them on a dish. You's what I say. The eggs are out. Put them on a dish. You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't ever touch them. You never? Is this that?

Whoa. No, no, no. This was that crazy. I just think I have a whole visual in my head of you going, fiddling a funnel in the sweaters while you you've never cop kicked no I don't think so no I don't think so

why not I don't know I might now I'm laughing because Sean's laughing it's just so funny to think about it's just so funny to think about no I don't think I ever have I might now I It's just so funny to think about. It's just so funny to think about. No, I don't think I ever have. Okay. I might now.

I'm alone a lot, you know? You should. Yeah, I might. It's no weirder than anything else you're doing. No, I'm saying I've done some stuff. You're jerking off. Yeah. Anyway, in the shower.

You remember Matt, because I leave my hand a different place. It all comes to the same end. You know what I'm talking about? He's got weird nuts, though. That's what you got to remember. How am I going to hold up my headshot? I'm touching my nuts. How am I going to hold up my headshot

with my right hand? You're not. You don't have two hands down there. Or if Bob Barker goes so fast, it's like candlelight. No, I hold out Bob Barker's headshot with my left hand in the shower. With your legs crossed. With my legs crossed. A little serpentine draft.

Man. I don't know why, but I was so sure you slapped at Southpaw. Right hand, though. I slapped at Southpaw. Yeah, right hand on the mouse. Oh, it's all over you. I saw it. I can tell. I can tell all day. You're an artist. Business and pleasure. Yeah, absolutely.

Buy rice. Hey, what's up? My name's right hand on the mouse. I'm running for governor. I'll see you at the debate. So anyway, feel lump. Then the party's happening. Then I i'm two four locos in i decide that instead of just feeling like maybe that's a lump i should get it checked out i went to like full-on i have cancer in my mind oh you told your friends and i stopped the party and was like hey guys i know everyone came out for Doug, and this is pretty cool. To go back to Iraq?

Yeah. Yo, this is an all-time L. Yeah. And I stopped it, and I was like, I just, you know, I don't know how much time I have left, but. Self-diagnosis. Yeah. So anyway. Man, that's so fucking funny.

The next day, yeah, I didn't have health insurance. The next day, I went to my dad's best friend who is a urologist and i was like for sure like i have cancer and he was just like oh no you just have i have what sean has that like fucking sack thing where that's nuts yeah called it very there we go everybody yeah yeah that's what it is and it's not zach it's not Zach. It's actually the clinical term for me. I've been saying that way before I met Zach. I was like, listen, I got a pretty big nut, Zach. All right, bullshit.

Four loco. Yeah. Yeah, I can see you taking a mulligan on that. Sean Jordan, tell me your third pick. I'd like a mulligan on the first time I put a cigarette out on my arm. Yeah. It's disgusting to look at. And there's multiple.

I have like five on my arms. And you feel like you never did the first one. Yeah. Well, I don't think your body's ugly, Sean. I appreciate that. It's like David's tattoo. We don't notice it. Yeah, I do. Because I'm racist. Yeah. like David said, too. We don't notice it. Yeah, I do.

Because I'm racist. Yeah. David's racist, too. I'm sorry. It's okay. You're an anti-Semite, too. How do you like that? Man.

Man. It's just because you're tight. You know we're not you. We talk to you every fucking day. You're with us all the time. Calm down. I know. You're a because you're tight. You know we're not. We talk to you every fucking day. You're with us all the time. Calm down. I know. You're a heat monger.

You could get that Michael Bajordan haircut. I would. Yeah. That would be the craziest shit. That would be the move. Wow. Then you put cigarette burns out on all of your torso. Just like Black Panther.

Yeah. Except it's all marvelous. Anyway, cigarette burn on my arm. I feel like had I not done the first one, I wouldn't have done the other. Yeah, all the other ones. Why did you do it the first time? I think Adam, I think,

and I'm sure Adam will correct me on this, but I think we were at Shane's house, the gentleman who's going to do the artwork for my album. Schroeder? Shane Schroeder. Oh, yeah, great artist. Great artist. I believe we were at Shane's house house uh the gentleman who's gonna do the artwork for my album schroeder shane schroeder yeah great artist great artist i believe we were at shane's house and we were i think we just looked at each other like hammered and we're like should we yeah we should do you think you could and then we just put cigarettes out on her like man when you're like savages when you're hammered drunk and you're 17 it is pretty cool not one single time it's covered

really no you don't smoke though no but i was around people who smoke but it's just so it's just one of those things where and adam adam was so buck for a while and i kind of felt i i think back and i'm like i kind of tried to be as buck as he was it's not as he didn't do shit we we fed off each other but it was one of those things we're like yeah fuck it all right and then boom now i have a disgusting cigarette burn in my arm dude i know but i look at it i'm like once again you've never noticed because we're not friends but my hand i have like six on the top of my hand and i notice those because we are friends oh man that hurts even more i was there the day that you got here you're'd rather you not notice my body than hate it. I don't hate it. Where are we going? I really don't know.

I really can't suss out this whole situation at all. I started the riff right there. To bed soon. Yeah, your third pick? Let's go to your third pick. Of course I wouldn't want a cigarette burn on my body. There it is. With my third pick, I would have insured my car back

a... Oh, damn. You weren have insured my car back uh oh damn you weren't insured when that happened when uh when my another ex-girlfriend jen was took my car without asking me but like it was also cool we'd been together forever it wasn't right how dare you boy it was i was there that day it was work and i let the insurance lapse and i knew it too and i was just like was it a dough thing or a lazy thing it was like a little it was a little of both a little column a little column big i get it i had the money but i would have rather not i don't know lazy is the word i think it was just like uh kind of forgot about a thing right about it yeah and i did i also didn't think anyone was going to be driving it because i was never driving it because where

was i going to go i walked to helium you know like but uh we walked to fire on the mountain we walked to fire on the mountain anyway she got spoke a uncontrolled intersection in a neighborhood and like it just it was very expensive and it was for both of us you know yeah did you guys go half seas i took care of it all. It was my fault. I should have. Her license got suspended for a while. I think mine got put on probation or something like that.

My insurance was so expensive for a few years. I think you had to file an SR-22 or something. You had to do an SR-22 or something. Yeah, I did an SR-22. You had to do like an SR22 or something. Yeah, I do an SR22. It's like driving with no insurance or something. I had to do all of that shit.

It fucking sucked so bad. Plus, look, my dad got involved low-key with Jen, which led to one of the best moments ever. She was a sensitive soul. She probably still is a sensitive soul. We are. We all. We're in that.

Well, not all of us, because Ivan isn't really. No, he's not. Thieves down. They were having a conversation about something. About the wreck, and she got upset and stormed off into the room. Yes, she did. And Ivan walked up and was like, hey, get out of here. She was like, I'm mad

at you. And he's like, no, you're not. Which, the confidence. Boy, he was correct. I mean know she was mad yeah not at him he was just uh he was he wasn't telling it like it wasn't no you know what i mean he mostly tells it like it is also time is money if you want to beat around the bush and do pleasantries it's gonna cost you an250. You want the pit bull in the courtroom. The clock is ticking. The meter is running. Time is money. But yeah, it just sucked.

It's like, I would take a mulligan on that for sure. Of course. For me, yes, but also more for her. Like, that sucked for her to get hit and then also be like, oh, and by the way, there's no insurance. Fuck me. Was that the end of your relationship? No.

I mean, it was around there, but that wasn't why. No, no, no. It was because I moved to Los of your relationship? No. I mean, it was, it was around there, but that wasn't why. No, no, no. It was because I moved to Los Angeles for the most part. To pursue your dreams. Dreams. These dreams.

Chugga chugga. Car insurance. Yeah. Car insurance. I, then, mulligan, I,

okay. I wish I would have kept playing piano. Ah, there we go. I like a mulligan in a I should have kept doing it kind of situation did you when did you start I don't know I was like 12 probably I started studying for my bar mitzvah and stopped uh playing piano can you still and this is something I feel like I should know but I don't can you still play the piano at all I can play a couple songs yeah and I like intuitively know my way around the piano sure and i can like sound shit out you know but uh you wish that you had it like i wish i was like fucking slick on the keys it's pretty cool to be good at the piano yeah of course my older huh i was just saying like if you're good at

the piano because they have them in like hotels and museums oh yeah good and you just start playing they're not gonna stop you no i'll let you oh no of course they they like want you to do that the biggest dipshit and the dipshits are strong when the the the the most abrasive person one of the most abrasive people i've ever met was at greggy's wedding uh dan right oh yeah david mitch so dan was i mean saying all the words you can say that piss people off in public and just doing all this shit we get to the hotel quran is that what you mean and he's like blackout when we get to the hotel damn and he hops on the piano in the hotel that we're not even supposed to be staying at and he sits down and i bailed i was like i can't be around for this i can't be around to help this dude this is gonna just get bad i thought he was

gonna get in a fight or some shit you gotta no no he wasn't my boy by the. I can't be around to help this dude. This is going to just get bad. I thought he was going to get in a fight or some shit. You got to know. He wasn't my boy, by the way, I wouldn't bail on you. No, clearly. Yeah.

Bailed on him. Cause I didn't want to have to pick up his bullshit. But then I, I came back down after like 20 minutes and he's just tickling the Ivories, had a little crowd around him. He was killing it. You wouldn't have known he was blackout.

It was crazy, dude. Yeah. He bought himself like have known he was blackout. It was crazy, dude. Yeah, he bought himself like another two days race with me. I was like, oh boy. I kind of like him. I like that he's mean. And he poised himself. And he was just wearing an Audi polo.

God, he was an Audi salesman. He wore an Audi polo to the wedding. By the way, Audi. I say Audi. That's you saying it wrong. You're the only one, though. Zach just said it.

Both of you Midwestern pumpkins. Go see an ocean and learn how to say Audi right. Listen, I call it an Audi Civic. It's an Audi Civic. It's a Buick Civic. We're just going to pretend like that U isn't in the word? Oldsmobile Civic. Olds.

Audi. Yeah, I always felt like a prick when I called it an Audi. We're saying it right. Audi. An innie. It's not like I beat that. Do you say audio? You don't?

No, I say audio. Audio. I say I'm walking down the street. I'm vibrating the street. maybe i will now i gotta i gotta walk it like i talk it uh yeah it was just been tight and my older brother bear blaylock shout out to bear blaylock told me all the time too he's like bro keep with the piano man because like when you're my age dude and you play that like you're at a party there's a bunch of girls there, they're going to love that. And I was like, gross.

Fuck you, baby. Gross, girls. Yeah. That's the opposite of what I want. I like television. What instrument can I play where Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will show up? Just bang your keys, go, men, men, men, men. That's a good one, though.

Yeah, man. I wish I would have kept fucking playing anyways anyways anyways uh so that's my pick sean time for your fourth pick my fourth pick is going to be it's it's going to be kind of on that same vein it's going to be i wish i would have moved to cal so it's going to be my mulligan would be uh not moving to california like i wish i would have moved to californ So it's going to be, my mulligan would be, uh, not moving to California. Like I wish I would have moved to California when I was 18. Yeah. Oh,

when you were, when I was, uh, a twin skateboard age. Oh, when you were 18, that was the whole plan was to, and this is,

this is one that I was struggling with. Cause it would have been wildly different. Like comedy wouldn't have entered into my life at all. Like stand up. But now, but I also am pretty realistic and I would not have been a professional skateboarder i was really good but i was nowhere near where you needed to be at the time how close were you do you think i feel like i was a trip kind of close i feel like i was kind of close and then

you wonder moving somewhere yeah that like when i moved to portland that's how i got good at stand-up if i'm any good right now it's because i moved to portland and i met you and i met shane and i met whoever else to see that shane you anyway yeah but if i would have moved here and i wonder i'm like i wonder like you were younger than us yeah you weren't i didn't meet you when i moved there you know And you're not funny So you're gonna have To deal with that You wanna go outside

Put your shirt on Put your pants back on Zach's just a little Flamethrower How'd you take him off So fast Zach stop drinking He's drinking gin

Zach's drinking gin I bought four locos Off eBay If I would've moved here I just I wonder what would've happened Like if I Would've made it any

sort of dent into the skateboarding where i felt like i was gonna go like maybe met some people or whatever but i don't think it would have turned into anything real yeah you know what i mean but you always i'll always have that thing where i'm like a business idea you could have been like hey little shorty that shit's got pop next you know, you're making a million dollars. Who knows? But again, that's one of the harder ones. Skaterade. I can't imagine my life not...

Yeah. Say something. What were you going to say? I was going to say you could have invented Skaterade. I could have. Skaterade with a 40 in it. There was Skaterade. It was like Tiger Balm.

They had this thing called Skaterade. It was like a Tiger Balm thing. But in all seriousness, I can't imagine my life being any different. Like, I wouldn't want anything else. And you think about that, and you're like, man, well, I never would have met any of you guys. And you know, da-da-da, all that stuff. True, true.

That was the one, and I've always struggled with that. But you would have. But just the C. Just the C. You ever think about that? Like, cause you know, you know,

people that are, uh, not comics, but they, they made a dent in whatever other industry. So I wonder like it would have been weird to meet. Big Nampay is a big wheel on the cheeseburger reviewing game. He is.

But yeah, that's, that was always a big Mulligan. I wish I would've had just moved to California when I was 18, roll the dice, figure it out and you know, see would happen all right yeah yeah i'm glad i didn't this is fantastic nice fuck you dude beautiful zach time for your fourth pick fourth pick i'm gonna so this goes back to a story i definitely have told on this podcast i

can't remember on which episode but it was the first uh kind of the first love of my life when i was on a trip to europe yeah yeah and there was uh an ending point where uh where she was staying in italy and i went with my idiot friend of switzerland and boy do i wish i would have just been like okay i know when we're flying out so i'll just catch up with you then yeah i'm gonna like see this out damn man what was your name again charlotte charlotte norwegian dude oh damn her name was charlotte norwegian dude yeah poor dad was a norwegian dude yeah it was just and you know what it was crazy it was just like page four of composition two it was exactly it was it was almost it was almost like i knew this was gonna happen to the t because i'm a lunatic and then charlotte called me into her office i had been a bad boy she gave me a smooch she gave me she gave me a smooch and

i flew away she gave me a peck so she was on holiday as gregory she was on holiday on holiday as it were yeah she stayed out for like, she ended up going to Asia and stuff afterwards, but I just feel like... Asia. You know, like, much love to Andy, who I was on that trip with,

but I would have rather... Sure. I would have rather been with her 100%, wherever she was going. Yeah, of course. And that was just like, that was, I remember feeling it in that moment, like, as soon as I got on the train with him, like, fuck, I made the wrong going. Yeah, of course. And that was just like, that was, I remember feeling it in that moment,

like, as soon as I got on the train with him, like, fuck, I made the wrong decision. Yeah. Yeah.

I was Switzerland. You said it like such a bummer. That's brutal, man. I was wondering how, you know what it is? It's the perfect country to reflect

on the bad decisions you've made. because there's not a lot to do. Yeah, that was Switzerland. You can do some fucking skip rocks like I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I can't talk to people right now. You don't have cell phones either, right?

Really? Yeah. Just had to fucking listen to music. Listen to Sigur Rós and just cry. In a room full of eight other foreigners. Oh my God. You and a bunch of dutch people yeah you're crying around them there's one thing i've learned in this life it's don't cry in front of the dutch no yeah dude they'll they'll eat your lunch if you do that by the way nobody i don't

think dutch people are from switzerland i'm just saying dutch people are also vacation just so the listeners know they know where they they're from. We're fucking on point, alright? We're all good at geography, and I happen to qualify for the geography being fucking fourth grade. Did you really? In Greenland, it's snow. In Iceland, it's not nice. Yeah.

Shout out Mighty Ducks, too. Why do you have to always check my sources? The Vikings let people know that. Jesus. Warren Moon. Shana Catherine Irby. Fran Tarkenton. You know, the Vikings.

Oh, I see. Hell yeah. Randy Moss. Randy Moss. Oh. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker was the most famous. I am Dante of the Culpeppers. Culpepper. Dante Culpepper is a great name to say. I did think he was Culpepper for a little bit. Culpepper, dude. What about that? Culpepper is also a great name.

Dante Hotpepper. I'll tell you what a tough sell was, was telling me in third grade that there was a coach named Dick Butkus. Oh, yeah. That was a tough sell because i'm like get the fuck out of town scott johnson there's no way anyone in the world told you that yeah enough you know scott johnson was the fastest kid trying to tell me trying to sell me on dick butt kiss i did not believe him for years. Turns out, real name. We have to wrap up.

Yeah, yeah. David? Wait. Wait, where are we? Yeah, David, tell me your fourth and final picks. My fourth pick, I just feel like this set a bad precedent that I went to. I leaned to going on later in my life. When I was in the fifth grade, I was a latchkey kid.

I used to go to me my mom would wake me up i'd make dinner and then i'd go to i'd go i'd walk to school like 15 20 minutes after she went to work and one day i went back to went back to my room fell asleep woke up at like a 10 and then was too scared to school so i ditched oh yeah and then subsequently i ditched most of fifth grade yeah and i don't think that i think that it fucked me up in the way that like years later i was just like if i don't like something i'll just fucking leave sure because you're not supposed to you're not supposed to know that you could beat school that way because i still ended up going to sixth grade

because i'm not an idiot right right so like you're not supposed to know you could beat the system like that yeah but i did so then like from on, I was just like, nah, fuck this. I'm going to go. I'll be all right. It was an option all of a sudden. That is a scary thing. It's always an option for me to leave. I still feel like that.

I have to stop myself from that inclination. I feel like it's because I started skipping school in the fifth grade. I didn't figure that out. And I got caught. I got fifth grade. I didn't figure that out. You waved off the catcher. And I got caught. I got caught hard. Of course. Hard. Were you grounded that whole summer or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was grounded that whole summer. You're 10 or something, right? What are you in fifth grade? Yeah, but I also skipped like in, you know, the nine months. Right. It was like I rarely went to a full week of school. That's wild.

Because I also hate school. So it was like peanut butter meat jello. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I didn't figure that out until college when I was paying for it. Oh, yeah. I did it on the government's time. The worst. Still bad, though.

Still bad. But anyways, yeah, I would not have set that precedent for me so early to be quitting. Yeah, that's a good pick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, a good pick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel real about that. And then your final pick. And my final pick is going to be, I think, I'm not sure what the cutoff was.

I think it was, I want to say it was like 26 maybe. The last. You would have gone on birthright to Israel. Sure. I get it. And that closes out my draft. And now none of us get to pick our last pick the shame i'm one of the chosen people what was this sorry uh my latin oh my last pick was uh i knew about three months before i was

completely gonna be off my parents' health insurance. Oh. And I could have gone in and done a bunch of shit. Yeah. Because I had real health insurance. I could have gone. I could have, you know what I mean? You could have blood doped.

And I didn't even, the reason I didn't even. Blood doped. What a gross fucking term. Give me some of that. Give me some of that mile high hemoglobin. Spin my blood blood give me that spin them shits give me young blood 720s all around no uh but yeah my parent i didn't i didn't know i had health insurance so i wasn't even going anywhere yeah and then like that last three months

i knew what i was like i should go to all these doctors but then i was like i gotta do open mics for my career i can't go to the doctor today. I also work at the casino. And I didn't go to the doctor. And it was like so dumb. And I haven't been to the doctor or had the ability to go to the doctor for real. Yeah. Outside of emergency visits since then.

And I'm like, what a dumb ass. What a dumb. I should have gone to the, I should have gone to every doctor. I should have gone to the dentist. Listen, dude. Like. I know a guy that'll give you Valium and Amoxicillin, and he'll do whatever needs to get done.

Yeah, but I'm not trying to get jacked off. I'm trying to get healthy. Whoa. Why not get both? That's not my kind of doctor. Jacked off into health. What are we doing over here? Sean's never been to the doctor without finishing.

Trying to help my friend out. Yeah, man. Fucking care should be human right it's 2019 it's crazy on earth it's nuts yeah it's just sitting there yeah i'm like uh you know if i ever wanted to leave the late late show i'd be terrified because i'm like what what if i what happens if something happens yeah and i'm fucked you know yeah well i got dude, Valium and Amoxicillin, and right around the way. Who's this guy? I'll also jerk you off. Zach?

We pointed to Zach. Is it Zach? That was in the direction. He's that way in Glendale. I don't want Valium. I have weed. He's deeper into Glendale. Well, I mean, you know, the poor man's Valium,

they call that. It's Amoxicillin. It's not true. It's just not real enough is what it is. Is it an antibiotic? I don't know. Amoxicillin? It's so I don't get a staph infection when I get my teeth cleaned is what it is.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Did you get Valium? Oh, you have Valium. I got Valium for the first dentist appointment and Amoxicillin. I have to do it again for the next one. What a hot riff.

Zach, what's your next pick? Easy, David. Come on, man. Somebody had to do it. I don't even need it. If you offered me Valium, I don't even know if I take it I'm chill dude I'm not fifth pick

oh man I got two that I'm waffling on yeah okay I'm just gonna take out alright fifth pick I'm gonna take out asking a so this was a I was going to school in Dayton I'm going to take out asking a... So this was a... I was going to school

in Dayton. I was going to this record store in Cincinnati. It's about an hour drive. I was completely in love with this girl who worked at that record store. I every time thought I will ask her out, but then just kept buying albums to justify my presence there. What were the albums? Do you remember any of them? I mean, it was just like a lot of... Bad Boys 2 soundtrack. Yeah. It wasn't any...

Earlier today. I feel like Bad Boys 2 has come up too many times. It was in a... Earlier today. Soundtrack. I'm bringing up the soundtrack. It's midnight. Oh, it's awesome.

It's midnight. It is midnight. I wrote a TV show today. Yeah, yeah. I know. I did not. I got it's awesome. It's midnight. I wrote a TV show today. I know. I did not. I got kissed on the mouth today. Right in the office. Go ahead, Zach. Yeah, so anyway, spent thousands of dollars. Finally went in and asked her. There was a line behind me

and she was like, is that oil? And I was like, no. Also, would like to see if you'd want to go out sometime and she was like I'm in a relationship and she said it loud enough for everyone to hear and I was like yeah no problem of course and she goes with a woman and I was just

like cool and everyone behind me laughed and I was just like okay I could have just never I could have just kept coming in here and pretending and that would have been fine had she shown any interest in you? oh absolutely not which is exactly why i like you just lean in you lean in you go a simple no would have sufficed i mean that relationship would she was so much cooler than me it was like really

young me being like that's the woman i want to be sure sure sure you were experience and everything not even knowing or you'd put her on a pedestal. Oh, yeah. And you would, yeah. Yeah. Or love the idea, not the person. Yeah, it just crushed me. It was all this time. Songs, all this rhyme. Look, man.

Man, I was told that so many times. That's the way the world goes. That I love the idea of somebody and not them. Were you really? Yeah. Wow. Looking back, they were all, no, they were wrong. I'm trying to find out.

Yeah, Sean Walton just didn't want to kiss. I knew, I knew. You know find out yeah i knew i knew you know what you yeah i loved uh you know the idea of sean malto the idea of sean malto kissing his uh yeah dude but she still works there so i can't go in there does she still work there she's still there well go ask her out. This was like 10 years ago. Exactly. Anything changed? Remember me? Wait, she still works there? Yeah.

After 10 years? She's cool as shit, man. She's in that life. In Cincinnati? Yeah. Well. I mean, I'd argue that you might be cooler. Yeah, dude. You're on All Fantasy Everything right now.

You have burgundy pants on. Does she have burgundy pants on? You lucky devil. No, she wore mostly like Bruce Springsteen. Who didn't? Come on, man, it was cool. She was born in the USA. Cool, man.

Dark hair, blue eyes. What do I know? Oh, damn. What do I know? Last pick? Yeah, what was your fourth pick again?'m tired i forgot to write it down it was was that the fourth one and then there was a oh what was the fourth one oh it was going to california oh yeah i'm going to california man you guys just saw a little behind the fourth wall

all right it's late it's it's you know it's it's late. It is late. And hell is hot. Final pick. It's late and hell is early. It was my first kiss. I want to mulligan. Oh, really? Because that was the only time. Because you wanted to do mouth stuff.

He was like, let me see what that crack do. You're done? No. You're done then? No. No? Keep going. We're on the 200 episodes of this you're still you're still

joking go ahead you're still joking tell me about your first kids sucking on chili dogs behind the tasty freeze it's called being so you're not done it's called bng milky way we didn't have a tasty freeze it's a real town. Life goes on. January fucking Jones used to live there. She used to work at the goddamn Dairy Queen. Did she really? Yeah.

My first kiss, it was the only time I've ever cheated on anyone. Yeah, I was 11, I think. Your first kiss was a cheat? Born and sent. Yeah. So my whole thing was I was practicing. kiss was a cheat born in sin. Yeah. Because I was, so my whole, my whole thing was I was practicing. I was a player.

I'm not a player. I just kiss a lot. She took me in her office. You know what I mean? Yeah. It was the, it was the only time I've ever cheated on anyone. And I was 11 and it was this girl.

Well, it was a girl. i don't want to say her name you were 11 it's okay yeah you would think people don't fucking know but it gets back to you i don't want to you know whatever so it was 11 there's like eight people in sioux falls her name was john stamos oh yeah yeah yeah you mean uncle jesse papadopoulos johan stamos and we so their whole thing was she wanted to kiss me. She was like 13. Yeah. And to think that an 11-year-old is lusting after an 11-year-old

is astonishing to me. But they were like, you should practice for your girlfriend. So I was like, yeah, I probably should. So I kissed this girl. We French kissed. You kissed a little kid? I was 11. She was 13. Well, you kissed an older kid to practice for the other kid you were going to kiss.

Kid makes it sound gnarly. I kissed an older person. You were also kids. Yeah, you guys were kids. Anyway, yeah, my first kiss. I would like it to have been something a little tighter. Not when I was 11. Whoa, whoa.

You what? You wish you kissed a 13-year-old. Boys, boys, boys, boys. I'm leaving it alone. Yeah. Both of you kissed at 13. Boys, boys, boys, boys. I'm leaving it alone. Yeah. Both of you leave it alone. First kiss. You would have rather had a nice, more romantic first kiss.

I would have rather never cheated on anyone. I honestly don't remember my first kiss. That's a better story. I remember mine vividly. We were under this picnic bench, this overhang at Keene Park. And yeah, it was like 3 in the afternoon, real awkward, put our arms around each other. And we were looking at each other and we're like, cool. So yeah, we're going to kiss.

And then we just like open our mouths, put our tongues out and then just started touching tongues. And then you said, I wish this was a little tighter. Yeah, yeah. And that's exactly when I said that. Then I started a garbage fire to put my clothes off again. This could have been cool. I had a great first kiss location. It was a middle school dance and they were working on the cafeteria so they had it at my parents' restaurant.

Oh, nice. It was home field turf, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Everyone's better than mine. Yeah, I'd like a mulligan on my first kiss. I'd like it to be something a little tighter than that And I would like to

A little cooler than that And I would like to have never cheated on anyone But that was the only time I ever did There it is Your last After midnight I would have not done an episode this week We gonna let it all hang

And gotten some sleep. Because I have another very long day tomorrow. No. I don't know. I have a few different ones. And since this is the final, final pick, I almost like part of me was like a mulligan sometimes means like, let me just get that over again. Right.

I would take a mulligan on the upside. Pilot we made for Comedy Central, the sports show. Man. I would love to, taking the lessons I learned from making it, that we learned from making it, and the lessons I guess I've learned, I mean, from doing two more years of TV since then. Yeah, for sure. But like, and being a head writer now,

I would love to have another bite of that apple. And I know there'll be another opportunity. You will. But like, the stuff I know now, I'm like, oh, I could fucking just nail that. Yeah. No, I feel that that first one was great, too. Yeah.

It was great. And they have Comedy Central come up with another reason not to pick it up. But you know what I mean? Yeah. No, but for real real it would have been so fun to just it'd be i mean we'll get to do another thing yeah but it would have been cool to get another shot at it in another light or it would be you know sure getting to do it again knowing what i know now from doing it well that was like the extra time where the crew was assembled the whole crew the crew was assembled. The whole crew, yeah. It was fucking awesome. Matt Harper, Matt Malloy.

Yeah. Became tight with David. Knew David a little bit, but didn't really know you that well. I wouldn't change a single person involved. Well, I wouldn't change a single writer involved. Yeah. You know, from all of us. I wouldn't change a member of the crew.

Right, right. Yeah. I just maybe like, it was just, I don't know. I look forward to the next opportunity. Sure opportunity to make a TV show from whole cloth. Yep. Job feel, job feel, job provides. We made it. We made a good fucking one, man.

Yeah, it really is. It really is. It was so much fun. Yeah. It was a good time. Now let me put baby to bed. Yeah. To quote the show.

But yeah, that would be my final one. I'd love to have another shot at putting that together but uh david on you went first yes sir you took buying a 400 car a 400 car off the side of the road going to homecoming the year after you graduated from high school getting carpe diem tattooed on one of your wrists skipping school back in fifth grade and then subsequently for all of it dav grade And then not going to the doctor When you had that health insurance Damn that is a cringe worthy Well buckle up Because Zach's about to crash a solar powered car

With his first pic and then he wrote his own porn Got caught And was excommunicated himself From his home for two days, ate locos, took a European lover and then abandoned her for a jaunt in Switzerland,

and then asked out a lesbian record store employee with whom he had no previous contact. No. Damn. Zach just goes, no. That is accurate.

Just to go back to that man, they were like, there's a few girls where I would go back and I'm like, clearly this girl would have dated me. What the fuck was going on? Yeah. So, you know,

that maybe would be another mulligan. I would tie it down to yours. Yeah, there's definitely a lot of girls that are like, I should have just taken the chance. Yeah, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so.

A lot of squirrels, too. Uh-huh. Yeah. They've been like, no, we're in an improv group together. I can't break that sanctity. I can't break the sanctity of this improv group. No, I asked him on a date. And the group is within borders.

Yeah, we have to. Sean, you went next. You took doing a gravity bong with dirt swag that reloaded up from the sink. Doing the splits in front of the fucking football team. That is a big out. Seth Johnson. What was his name? Eric Johnson.

Eric Johnson. Putting cigarettes out on your arm. Yeah. Maybe moving to Cali at 18 to pursue the sake or art of skateboarding. Skating. Skating. Surfboarding. Not surfboarding.

Can't call it surfboarding. And then you would have taken a carry mulligan on that first kiss. Uh-huh. Yeah. I went last, and I would have maybe gone to a different school for the freshman year. Uh-huh. I would have broken up out of that relationship sooner.

Sure. I would have gotten car insurance. Uh-huh. Got to do it. On the old, I think it was a Don Stratus or something. I don't know. Crack. Anyway, I would have kept playing piano,

tickling those ivories. And then the last one was Was Oh another bite of the apple on the upside Yeah boy howdy I'm tired I'm sure we left A lifetime of experiences on the table I would have not got beaten into the cratch

You gotta get to know us for those you only get five free Yeah yeah So fuck yeah we want to know yours Though I mean as best you can send them to us these are all interesting yeah they're all pretty personal but yeah send them send them on out it's fun uh the the the the old uh slack could be good for that if you're a patreon member shout out to all our patreon members thank you so much for supporting us financially uh so we can so we can do what we do we really really appreciate it seriously shout out to everyone on twitter

shout out to super bruce marissa shout out appreciate it. Seriously. Shout out to everyone on Twitter. Shout out to Super Bruce and Marissa. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Thank you for holding us down for so long from the jump from the early days. Shout out to that dude who keeps the fucking All Fantasy Everything blog. I'm sorry I'm blowing your name.

It's past midnight. I'm sorry I'm blowing your name. Shout out to Cravely Booper for the Sammies. Shout out to Cravely on the Sammies dude Shout out to Frankie Ocean Shout out to Sid the Dude Shout out to fucking Haji Beats Shout out to Carhartt man Shout out to Nike sweatsuits

Shout out to these dunks I might be getting for this show Shout out to these dunks Shout out to the good news that we can't talk about Shout out to the good news that we can't talk about. Shout out to the good news that we can't talk about. Good family news. Shout out to that. You guys will hear it. I feel like that won't sink in for another 48 hours.

Wild, right? It's fucking great. No, not at all. We're going to have to run away from home for two days to get the cell to send. Runaway trains, dude. We're all going to have to get... Never going back.

But more important than all that, you motherfuckers, tune in again next week for another episode of All Fantasy Everything. That was a HeadGum Podcast.