All Fantasy Everything - NBA Players, But Not Based on Basketball Skill (w/ Megan Gailey, Zach Harper, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: August 22, 2019

Basketball is my favorite sport, let's pretend they don't dribble up and down the court! David and Ian are joined by comedian Megan Gailey and Enemy of the Podcast Zach Harper! Los Angeles! Sept 3rd come see a free screening of David's new short film, The Lot. Tickets: https://nightout.com/events/the-lot-screening-stand-up/ticketsEpisode Guest:Megan Gailey @megangailey IG: @bettermegangaileyZach Harper @talkhoops IG: @talkhoopsSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is having drinks at noon. Yeah. We're all having drinks at noon. Harper's not having drinks at noon, but he's having LaCroix at noon. I'm pretty high. I didn't put any vodka in this because it turned out it was just the size of two LaCroix's. Oh.

That's just a happy answer. A mason jar. You can talk whenever, Megan, by the way. That's not out. Oh, okay. Well, I was just gonna say I poured some of my LaCroix

out of the cup so I could fit vodka in it. I did too. That's because you're a true champion. Well, and wasteful. Well, you gotta pour some LaCroix out

for all the, you know, for all the... Yeah, for all the LaCroix's lost before. All your LaCroix's gone before. You gotta fizz up that sewage system, I feel like. It needs a little pop to it. Absolutely, some effervescence down to the Ninja Turbans.

Well, you, but have you ever heard that if your toilet's clogged, you pour a can of Diet Coke down it? Oh, really? Cleans that puppy right out. I usually just move. Well, I try and plunge. I keep pooping in it. You didn't know. Well, you can pee on it. You just leting in it. No. Well, you can pee on it.

You just let nature take it with course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will not negotiate with terrorists. God, if we're going to get into it, I don't want the tablet. Peeing onto poop is one of the worst things I've ever done. Oh, yeah. This is very early in the podcast. When it's not your poop.

Oh, God. Like in a porta potty? Sorry. Do you guys mellow yellow it? What's that? Oh, you leave pee in the toilet? Yeah, if it's yellow, let it mellow. Overnight, I do.

No. So I have multiple floors now. Don't mean to brag. It's a townhouse in the valley. Downstairs, always flushed. Upstairs, I'll let some mellow yellow. That's for you up there. I'm worried about-

It doesn't smell. I'm worried about accidentally making pruno. Ha ha! How long are you going to let it mellow? I don't know. Well, that's the thing. If I leave it for one... Two days is no... If I leave it an hour, I'm leaving it a month. I flush. I'm flushing it all. Constantly flushing. And I pee clear.

Do you? Yeah. You're very hydrated. I believe that. You're shocked for how much I seem to drink. What's your hydration program during the day? I just drink... I love water. Me too. I love it. I pound water. People wouldn't think it. I drink so much water.

That's great for your skin. I drink, I have great skin. I pound water. I just naturally like it. Like when people are like, I don't like water. It's like you're a child. How do you not like water? It's so good.

Because your parents were too kind to you. Yeah, that's true. And like you just got to drink squeeze-its. And it's like, okay, well fucking grow up. We're doing water now. Water's the only thing that makes me not thirsty. I will say, water doesn't have a face on the bottle, which is the one thing Squeeze It's has over it.

That's true, yeah. Remember when Squeeze It's started putting faces on the bottle? And they were like, ooh, I'm full of juice. That was actually the voice. Ooh, oh. Ian was the voice of Squeeze It's. I was the voice of Squeeze It's. Where's that Eat True Hollywood story? I was the voice of Squeeze Iter. I was the voice of Squeezer. Where's that Eat True Hollywood story?

I was the voice of Squeezer. I had it all! I had a fridge in the basement that you opened it up and it was just full of Squeezer. As a kid? No, no, no. Oh, I was going to say. Although we did have a friend, this dude named Matt Gerhart,

who sometimes listens to the podcast. He came to the Seattle show. Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt. That dude had, fuck, his house was like stocked with snacks. I know. And you always wanted to go to that house. It to the Seattle show. Hey, Matt. That dude had... His house was stocked with snacks. You always had to have a snack guy. My house sucked.

My mom was like, want me to cut you up half an apple? Let's go play my dad's guitar. My mom's from another country. She doesn't even eat... For most of her life, she only ate candy that she made. You know what I'm saying?

She'd be like, I'm making some caramel. what I'm saying? I wouldn't even begin to know how to make candy. I'd be like, I want a Reese's, woman. I'm going to boil some sugar on the stove if you want some. But going to a friend's house and then having one of those, like, freezers that open. Oh, God. Like, an extra freezer? Yeah. That's such an American thing.

We have another freezer in the garage. In Elizabeth, it would be like meat. Do people have meat freezers? We didn't, but other people's. But sometimes you would, I mean, you can't just have meat in there unless you're killing the

animals. And then those people's house you're like, but sometimes you'd open it up and it would just be like Costco bagel bites. Yes, exactly. And that's what you want. Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. Bagel bites, bagel bites. You don't want a deer. No, there was a dude across the cul-de-sac. They were hunters and there was always like elk

in their freezer. What am I supposed to do with this? Make an elk steak? I want some venison sausage right now. I want some pizza rolls. Jackass. I love an elk omelet right now. If pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. In between football practice, love to have some venison.

That probably would have been good for you. It probably would have been great for me. You know, they're injecting it into their necks. Oh, deer antler. Yeah. Didn't Peyton get a deer in his neck? It was a deer antler spray. I think Ray Lewis. Our good friend Peyton Manning did it. Our good friend Peyton Manning. Me his neck? It was like a deer antler spray. I think Ray Lewis.

Our good friend Peyton Manning did it? Our good friend Peyton Manning. Me and Megan are close with Peyton Manning. That's inner circle stuff. Do you think he would remember us? No. I don't either. I don't think he looked at me in the face.

That's a lot of concussions to remember. That is a lot of concussions. But would his friend Jared remember us? Or what was his friend's name? What was his name? Tony, it was like a real. It was Cupper. It was Cooper.

Cooper Manning. No, it's Cupper. He said you have to say it's Cupper. I was on a flight back from, it was New Orleans to LA, so star studded. And Cupper was sitting across the aisle. And then I turned to the man next to me and I'm like, is that Cooper Manning? And he goes, I don't know who Cooper Manning is. It was Richard.

Okay, well, it was Richard. It was Richard. Richard, his friend who was like the funniest friend he had growing up. Oh, that's great. And he also got to write for the Eskies. Oh, well, didn't have a computer. He didn't have a computer. He didn't bring a computer with him.

It was just like, Richard knows my sensibilities. We'll put him in the room. And then Richard just laughing with that southern haircut. Oh, yeah. That like, I remember there was a show

on MTV about high school football in Alabama. Yeah, they are. Two a days. Two a days. Two a days. And they all had

that fucking haircut. I friended all of them on Facebook. I know you did. I lived in Mississippi in the seventh grade. What? Everybody had that haircut. You lived in Mississippi?

Yeah, man, I got in a lot of fights. Yeah, of course. It's Mississippi. They do that there to warm up. Seventh grade sucks. West Point, Mississippi. West Point, Mississippi? The town was 20 minutes away from another town that had a blockbuster.

That's how dope West Point, Mississippi is. Oof, I've been out there, brother. Shout out to Elizabeth, Colorado. When you were just out there, that's what you do. You fight. There's no video store fights. Well, especially, too, it was like I was the California kid. Oh, man.

You were sunshine. But I grew up in Sacramento. It doesn't matter. It's like, oh, you surf? You know Luke Perry? I'm like, yeah, he's You were sunshine. But I grew up in Sacramento. It doesn't matter. It's like, oh, you surf? You know Luke Perry? I'm like, yeah, he's all about Sacramento. We had, in sophomore year, we had two kids come from Sacramento, and everybody had called them hard bad words because they didn't wear giant pants.

Everybody's like, did you see those California bad words? They got tight pants. Like everybody couldn't like. Just because they wear their size from old age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had, before everybody was doing it, they had belts that were shoelaces. Oh, I remember that. And everybody was like, oh, these kids.

And they got in a bunch of fights. No, you just got tested constantly. Even now when I go home, it's always like when I'm hanging out with my friends, it's like, remember when Rick hit that kid with a brick? That's like what they talk about now. Beaverton was fairly pleasant. Yeah. I got dim sum there once. Yeah, hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ivan took us to dim sum. Woo. We are back in the HeadGum Studios. It's that kind of podcast, right? It is that kind of podcast. It's exactly the kind of podcast it is. It has been.

We're here in the presence of super producer Marissa. Finally. Finally. It's been ages. We've been on the, we were on the road and then we were recording in the Fortress of Solidus. Shout out to Sean Jordan, who is still in, I believe, Bismarck, North Dakota, somewhere in that neck of the woods.

He's doing like a Make America Great rally. Yeah, he's doing, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing warm up. They pay good, though. He went doing, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing warm up. They pay good though. He went hard right while we were on tour. He just went hard right. I always dab

when I say MAGA now. You have to. Man, I wish, I wish we videotaped this podcast just for that. It's about as good as Sean's dab.

Sean's dab is awful. Sean's dab looks like he doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle his wrists go down yeah don't you think he's gonna ask

like did you guys talk about me I know I wasn't there to do that I know he's gonna be thrilled he'll hear us talking about it it's like he's learning the thriller dance

for the first time yeah it looks like you threw something at a nerd in a movie when he dabs he calls it the step dab trying to remember It looks like you threw something at a nerd in a movie when he dabs. Yeah! He calls it the step dab.

Trying to remember how we even do this podcast. Here with us in the studio. Oh, yeah. At Talk Hoops on Twitter. That's me. Is it at Talk Hoops on Instagram as well? It is, yeah. Across platforms. Zach Harper.

Yeah. Everybody. Yay! How are you, Bubby? What's going on? I'm going on vacation in two and a half weeks, and that's all I can think about. I'm going to Cabo for a week, an all-inclusive, adults-only place that I'm a little worried is a sex colony.

Yeah, no, you're going to hedonism, right? Worried? Is worried the right word? Are you going to hedonism? Excited, worried, I don't know. It's a lot of pressure. Are you going to hedonism? Not hedonism, but it's not not hedonism? Excited, worried, I don't know. It's a lot of pressure. Are you going to hedonism? Not hedonism, but it's not not hedonism.

I've been to an adults only that was not people swinging. And I only know that because I was like, what's up? I wasn't trying to, but I just wanted to get solicited. I wanted to feel loved. You want to scope it out. Yeah. And it was like too nice. It was like older gay men.

And I'm like, well, they don't want to fuck me. A lot of tucked in shirts on vacation. But in Mexico, I do think those type of places are open. Okay. Okay.

So I should be ready. I would be ready. I'm just saying, rock a sarong. I would have your pubes trimmed. Yeah, trim those pubes. Is it sarong or is it sarong?

You know what I'm talking about? That's what I'm going to ask him. Go live in adult Showtime docuseries. You know? Yeah, I'll do that. But don't be. Hedonism. Cabo San Lucas.

Don't have your expectations set high. You're going to be the prize. You're going to be the hottest, youngest person. And everyone else is going to be like, they're doing this instead of a cruise. Oh, okay. Oh, that's tighter to me. You're going to go bag on old ladies? Yeah.

That was a weird turn. I understand. Expect a lot of tan, wrinkled cleavage. I know the exact kind. Yeah. I'm thinking about sunspots. I love a sunspotted decolletage. Oh, my gosh.

Look at that sunspotted titty, girl. I aspire to have that when I get older. You're going to have it. You will. Don't you worry. I can't wait. A little gray, some gray chest hair. Ooh, you are going to have gray chest hair.

Two chains, one with a chai symbol on it, you know, just the taco meat. I got a question for you. I'm not a very hairy body. Okay. Right? I got a patch of chest hair, but it's not all over, so it almost looks like a starter kit. So I usually kind of trim it because I don't love the look of it creeping out of the shirt. I've thought about trimming my shoulders. But I've let it go recently. Yeah.

And I'm trying to get used to it, but I don't know if it's for me. Don't feel bad, man. Rock that shit. That's how people look. It's not that I feel bad. Rock a bush. I'd like to weigh in as a woman. Please.

Completely fair. What is the shape? It's like a, I don't know, like a. But is it, because sometimes you'll see a man and it's just a circle. But it's just right up here. Yeah, that's always weird. It's not necessarily a circle, but it's. It's like a Superman shield.

Do you think that? Yeah. Does it go, because mine is like. It's like here. It's not necessarily a circle, but it's... It's like a Superman shield. Do you think that? Does it go... Because mine is like... It's like here, and then I got a patch, and then it goes here. Oh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I've got like a belly hair thing going. Yeah, I got the...

But not a lot. I also got shoulder... I'm hairy, actually. See, no back hair, no shoulder hair. That's good, though. Yeah. I got shoulder hair. Shoulder hair is weird.

It's a weird thing. Shoulder hair is a lot. I look like a Russian banker with my shirt up. People have it out in public. You can't really. It's not. People just add the Americana and tank tops. I mean, it's the Americana, baby.

Yeah, that's it. It might not be happening at the Grove. Oh, it's happening at the Grove. It's the Americana. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what you should do with it. You should do whatever makes you feel best. I'm just testing it out, but I've got to make a decision before Cabo.

Let it out. Our faded photographer, Ed, he just got, he lasered his back. Shout out to Ed. And he loves it. Really? He's from Miami, though. They're a different breed. Yeah, that's true.

I lived in Miami for a couple years. It's different. No, but in Cabo, I think it's going to be a real... I'm imagining a woman with long pink nails being like, hey, not even talking to you before she runs her fingers through it. I get a lot of that energy. Old ladies like my wedding ring tan line. I can't fucking wait to be that age. Oh, yeah.

The fire in her eyes when she said that. Yeah, no, that was real. I felt that, yeah. Well, because I'm sexually harassing people now. Yeah. And, you know, me too is definitely giving me pause. I don't want to be the first woman time step. I don't want you to be that.

I don't either. I can see you thriving in that age, though. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. My dream woman, who I aspire to be like is the owner in Major League. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. My dream woman, who I aspire to be like, is the owner in Major League. Oh, yeah. Rachel. She's my hero. I remember watching that

as a child, and I was like, oh, the protagonist. Why are they against her? Why isn't she in this movie more? You know what lady I love? Is Dolly Parton in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas? Yeah. Dolly's a great actress. What about Christine Pagliacci in Any Given Sunday? Oh, yes! Dolly Parton in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Dolly's a great actress.

What about Christine Pagliacci in Any Given Sunday? Oh, yes! Kevin Diaz! Also a hero of mine. Another hero. She's talking to my man, Don Hout. To just walk into a locker room and be like, don't hide your dicks. I owe you. And they were literally swinging dicks in that movie.

Swinging dicks! Had to. Man. No owners look like that, though. No they were literally swinging dicks in that movie. Swinging dicks. Had to. Man. No owners look like that, though. No, absolutely not. It looked like Robert Kraft. Yeah, Mark Davis, the guy who owns the Raiders.

It looks like Al Davis now. So what do you got going? You're going on vacation. Going on vacation. You know, subscribe to The Athletic. Subscribe to SiriusXM. I do a lot of radio now. I do a lot of radio now.

I do a lot of radio now. A lot of radio. Radio, radio? Yeah. Weren't you just talking with Guy Fieri? Yeah, Guy Fieri came on last Friday. Yeah. Was he the best?

He was the best. And it was all last minute. Like, I had just mentioned him on the show. My producer at the time was like, you want me to try to get him on? I'm like, that's the stupidest question you've ever asked me. Of course I do. Yeah. And within five minutes,

he goes, yo, Guy Fieri in an hour. Whoa! And then he came on and we just talked like Raiders because he's a huge Raiders fan. Yeah, he was in Hard Knocks. Yeah, that's how it came up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, I'm crestfallen because I'm a 49er fan. So I was like, I can't believe he's a Raider fan. Like, that breaks my heart because all I do is watch

Guy Fieri shows. He's got East Bay vibes though, dude. Yeah, he does. If you lived in California, Guy Fieri's got East Bay vibes for days. But also, now I have his phone number. What? So I'm trying to manage that because I want to text him constantly. I'm glad you didn't tell me last night.

We would have for sure FaceTimed him last night. Yeah, absolutely last night. So brother, did he call you brother? He did call me brother. He called me brother like 15 minutes into the interview. Did he say Flavortown? Didn't say Flavortown, but he did tell me about his new chicken restaurant that's opening. Oh, shit.

We're not going. It's called Chicken Guy. I'm going. I don't want to eat at the restaurant. Orlando Improv, hire me so I can go eat at Guy Fieri's restaurant. You guys were all together last night? And Fly's friend, Zach. Wow.

Every Friday it faded. Well, most Fridays. And then we went to Public House. For a minute. And then to Dugo. Yeah. I got all drunk. I watched the NFL draft there.

And an Eagles fan had one of those Eagles helmet phones. And when the Eagles were on the clock, he picked up the phone and acted like he was making the call. Wow. That guy. I love real bits. You know what I like he was making the call. That guy, I love real bits. You know what I mean? So that's special. Whenever I'm in public house, I'm like,

I hope he's doing well. I hope that Trump voting monster is killing him. And he managed to stop having sex every time to do that bit, right? Man, what a hero. David Bordy's in the studio. The G is silent on Twitter. Hey.

Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. You hear it? How the hell are you, dude? Ah, man, I'm good. I got an exercise bike. Yeah. I rode it this morning drunk. How did your butt feel on it?

My butt hurts when I'm on an exercise bike. It feels weird, but it was also like, man, here's the thing. I'm in there getting high watching TV anyways. Why not just sit on an exercise bike? Might as well. I just can't believe this took you until this age. Yeah, Megan, I'm a slow learner. I've been doing wall sits since I was seven.

You know? I'm like, House Hunters commercial break. Time to get that ass lifted. I try to get on that program every now and then. Or like stretch. I'm like, I have to stretch while I watch TV. That's the other thing. I didn't stretch and it got me this morning. Because I literally just woke up,

went downstairs and just got on there. Watched some Office. Cold. You watched some Janet Jackson videos you were saying? I watched some Janet Jackson videos. I watched any time and then I was like, oh, then I want to watch all the Velvet Rope stuff. You watched the Busta Rhymes one? Oh, I love it.

Wow. What's the song? There are times when I look up above. Yeah. I watched that. I watched, I get so lonely. Yeah. Can't let just anybody.

And then I watched, heard from a friend today. Yeah. And she said you were in town. Velvet Rope was so good. Yo, I'm a Janet. I love it. Yeah. I love it.

Was that what you got to a Skaan song on Velvet Rope? Where she sang it? Yeah. Don't you know who's in the go? That's awesome. She's so good on it. Janet Jackson is the truth. Shout out to Janet Jackson.

Yeah, I don't feel like we gave her. I mean, we gave it to her, but she's great. Yeah, she's phenomenal. Yeah, but other than that, I'm doing good. You know. Beautiful. In the townhouse. Yeah.

Using the air fryer. Thriving, maintaining. We'll talk about the tour more whenever Sean Jordan comes back. Yeah, for sure. From, I believe he's in Minneapolis or somewhere. I think he's in Omaha, Nebraska. He's from Chrome to Omaha. But yeah, we'll talk about that more.

But tour was fun. Thank you so much to everyone who came out. Holy shit, you guys made my summer. You can stop hitting us up on Twitter about the Philadelphia episode. It's not going to happen. It's not getting dropped. And I just want to say it. That's the beauty of coming to a live show, guys.

We might not put it out. Come see us live. It might be a completely unique experience that. Yeah, come to the show. We might not put it out. Come see us live. It might be a completely unique experience that only Marissa gets to hear. Yeah, there might be some slurs that were dropped that you don't know.

I might have called everybody some Jew words. You might have called us in Philly. That's not fair. I say, that's a greeting. It is a greeting.

That's how you get into the city. I say Jewish words. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you. It was a fucking blast, though. Philly was a lot of fun. A lot of people are thinking that maybe some crazy shit happened

and maybe it did. Yeah. Maybe it did. Come to the live show. Come to the live show. Come see us when we're in a town near you. Maybe you'll see us in Columbus where the power goes out. Did you guys go to Indy? No. We did not. Why was Mike Malloy in Indy? He was opening for Daniel Sloss. Who knows what his schedule is. Yeah, yeah. But he might be like on work.

I think he had a meeting with Mike Pence. He was, yeah. He had to fight a guy in a parking lot. Well, you should go to Indy. Oh, shit. Can I jump in and plug something I forgot to plug? Yes. Plug it.

We have a live show. We still have a couple tickets left for October 12th in San Francisco. Oh, beautiful. At the Independent Theater. Oh, that's a great place. Is it? Okay. I've never been.

But yeah, go to countthedings.com if you want to see our live show. I saw, I think it was the weekend there before you blew up. Oh, okay. Oh. Yeah. Abel Tesfaye? Yeah. That's his real name.

Oh, is he Jewish? No, no, no. No, he's from Toronto. No. Oh. Honestly, same thing. Not allowed to be Jewish in Toronto. No, he's Canadian Jewish.

No, just saying. He's just saying. That's what I know of him. Just slightly less guilty white people. Yeah. Canadians, Jews. Oh, can I plug? I'm plugging.

Plug it. Yeah, yeah. Your podcast. So, September 3rd. Don't say that. Usually we plug at the end. We plug at the beginning. We plug at the beginning. We plug up time. We plug up people tune out. Yeah, yeah. So September 3rd. Don't say that. We plug at the end. We plug at the beginning.

We plug at the beginning. We plug up time. Oh, okay. Yeah, because it takes a lot of people. It takes a while to get this fire cooking. September 3rd, I wrote a short film last year with my friend Steve Fine Arts. Yes. Oh, I love Steve.

Yeah, and then we filmed it, and it's really good. It's so good. And we're going to screen it for the first time at The Virgil in Los Angeles on September 3rd. Free tickets. I'm going to be there. Thank you. Megan's going to be there. Ian's going to be there.

Zach's going to be there. We're doing a little comedy show up top with some of the people that were in it. So it's me, Matt Bronger, Punky Johnson, James Austin Johnson. Sam Talent couldn't come out, but he's in it. It's a very funny short film. I would love it if you came and saw it. I worked really hard on it. You know I hate you.

I don't like you. I don't enjoy your company. I talk about it. And I still loved it. That's how good it is. He still loved it. That's how good. It fucking earnestly is fantastic.

And honestly, it was just like a big chunk of work. Yeah, we just worked really hard on it. I think it's very good. It's funny and it's got heart. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. That's what we were trying. Hopefully we see a lot more of it. That's exactly what we're trying for. And then September 20th and 21st, I'm going to be at Stand Up Live in

Phoenix. Oh, hell yeah. I love that club. I love that club. You fucking love Phoenix, dude. I love that next door they have that live band karaoke shit. Oh, hell yeah. I love that club. That's fun. I love that club. You fucking love Phoenix, dude. I love that next door they have that live band karaoke shit. Oh, really? Yeah, they have a live band karaoke next door, and they let the comic drink for free. Oh, wow. We might need to fucking, okay.

Come out. We'll do this Phoenix show. Phoenix is going to happen. Oh, we're going to do Phoenix. We're going to do it. Phoenix is not that far. But yeah, so come to that, and then, you know, I love you. Follow me on Twitter.

Follow me on Instagram. I'm trying to make the transition to more Instagram-less Twitter. That's what I'm doing, too. It's better to put it off my phone. I don't even think of it as like a brand thing. I just am happier there. Me, too. Yeah.

I'm happier on Instagram. That's what I mean. It's better for my brain. I like a visual. Oh, your brain. Yeah, I think you said your brand. Oh, never. And I was like, listen, I don't like who you've become with this exercise bike.

I'm the same old G. Even though I got an exercise B. Doing shows in Phoenix AZ. By the way, can we talk about how Sean didn't know that song? Oh, Sean did not know. Sean didn't know that song? Oh, Sean did not know Same Old G by Genuine. We talked about it like a month ago. What? You guys just said he dabs like the Grey Poupon Man.

He does, but he also really likes the Grey Poupon Man. But he also says he loved Genuine and didn't know Same Old G. That's impossible. And it's crazy because I saw him literally the day after we told him about it. I was like, what have you been doing? And he's like, I'll tell you what I've been doing. I've been listening to Same Old G all day. Yeah, you've got 25 years to make up for.

Yeah, it's crazy he missed it. Same Old G. But yeah, come to the short film. It's called The Lot. Beautiful. It's free tickets. Megan Gailey's in the studio with us. Better Megan Gailey on Twitter.

Just been pretending to listen to you guys waiting for my turn. The lost art of the podcast. Better Megan Gailey on Instagram as well. I'm Megan Gailey on Twitter. Oh, it's Megan Gailey on Twitter. Yeah, there was one woman on Instagram who had Megan Gailey already. Is she active? There's one woman on Instagram who had Megan Gailey already.

Is she active? She has now since gotten married, and I own Megan Gailey, but I don't want to use it. I love that. Thank you. Absolutely. Good call. Squatting on it. I like that you defeat your enemies wholly.

Yeah. Oh, and publicly in a way that's very rude to them. Yeah. If you say you have my name, I'll say that I'm better than you. Give me that. I have more notoriety, I have accomplishment. A lot of people describe Megan

as a Naptown rider. The only one that you have. I say it every time. I said a lot today. I get so offended because people assume I'm from Chicago because I did stand up there

the longest and then they're like, well, you're from Chicago and it's like, I ride so hard for Indianapolis. It's so clear where you're from. Like I couldn't – like my New Year's resolution this year was to talk less about Indianapolis. Yeah.

And I haven't done it. We're very similar because I talk about Portland so much. But wouldn't you be offended if people were like, well, you're from L.A.? Deeply. Yeah. When it happens. I get pissed off. I'm from a suburb

of Portland called Beaverton I know where it is I did a project on Oregon it's my second favorite state thank you so much it's my first favorite and I'll move Indiana

up the rankings just in honor of you thank you it produced you it can't be bad oh it's pretty bad I know it's really bad we drove through it

I'm afraid of it Gary is in Indiana no we drove through Gary and it was oh Gary's yeah that's Chicago but Gary is I actually think of Gary. Gary is in Indiana. No, we drove through Gary and it was all Gary's. That's Chicago. But Gary is, I actually think of Gary as like a very important place that we need to keep talking about and thinking about and has produced some of the greatest musicians we've already

talked about on this show. Freddie Gibbs. Produced some damn good basketball players as well. Who's from Gary? I think, isn't Zach Randolph from Gary? Etuan Moore is from East Chicago. Okay. You're like, okay. We said very good. Etuan's good.

I love Etuan. I might have lied about Zach Randolph. I'm looking at him. You're one of the 400 best. I'm looking up Zach Randolph. Indiana loves basketball. It's crazy. More than any state. I've seen Hoosiers. More than any state. He's from Marion, Indiana. You think so? I think, oh, yeah. Indiana? Yeah. Indiana and North Carolina, maybe. He's from Marion, Indiana. Yeah. I think, oh, yeah, I think so. Indiana?

Yeah. Indiana and like North Carolina maybe. It's just our, yeah, we just love it. In a high school, my parents lived in a town in Indiana at one point that was like 2,500 people, the whole population, and the town gym where the high school played was 6,000 people. That's amazing. So it was more than double the size. People would drive from, and you think about Butler, Purdue, IU. Oh, yeah.

Notre Dame has had some teams. Valpo has had some. I mean, all of those are Indiana schools. IUPUI. IUPUI. George Hill. Yeah, George Hill. Shut up.

Oh, so many people. Greg Oden is from Indiana. Mike Conley is from Indiana. They went to my rival. Oh, so many people. Greg Oden is from Indiana. Mike Conley is from Indiana. They went to my rival high school. Did they really? Greg Oden is from Indiana. Greg Oden is from Indiana. I always thought parts unknown.

No. Born in Terre Haute and then recruited as a child, which is illegal, but bring him to Indianapolis. Yeah, I mean, you know. Him and Mike Conley went to high school together. Odin was recruited by Ohio State. And the legend goes, he was like, can my friend come? And they were like, ugh, I guess so. And then he's-

And that was Mike Conley. He's fucking Mike Conley, who's now on the Jazz. Ian, can I be your friend? Yeah, dog. Yeah. Can my friend come? Can my friend come? Oh, Tom, that's happened in comedy a lot.

That's for sure happened in comedy a lot. Yeah, there's a lot of can my friends come. A lot of people on that Adam Sandler friend check right now. There's some people on that. No, yeah. Absolutely. The guy who's starting Grandma's Boy, which was good, but you know. Nobody knows that guy's name.

Anyway. So what do you got coming up? There's Delroy Lindo. I think you might be interested to hear what I'm working on right now. I am very excited. I am writing on a pilot for Blake Griffin. Get the fuck out of here. He might come up later in this episode.

Tell him I said hey. Tell him I said hey, too. He saw my set once. I don't know if he likes you better than me. We've only spent a minimal time together and I'm a try hard, you know? Like I asked him if he experiments with hats. And it's like, this isn't what he wants. That's a great question though.

That's a really good question. I've been thinking about experimenting with hats. Bring up, you have. He brought it up to the group text the other day. I did. There's a guy I follow who will come up maybe later in this episode but PJ Tucker, big experimenting with hats guy

and I love to see him. You are not a good GM because you were just telling us. I know, I know. I don't even care. I don't even care. So I'm working on that

and then I have an album coming out. My first ever. No shit. My first ever album. Smooth jazz? On Rockefeller Records? I wish.

It's on Bad Boys. Okay. Yeah. It's actually their relaunch. Can't stop, won't stop. I don't know the exact date yet. It's October, I believe, and it's called My Dad Paid for This. That's fantastic.

That's so funny. And it's recorded. Where did you record it? I recorded it in Bloomington, Indiana. Wonderful. At the Comedy Attic. Great club. Man, get at me, Comedy Attic.

I'll come. Cubs game, playing lightly in the background. Oh, not even lightly. And it was so fun. And, yeah, I'm actually really, you know, you have to listen to things sometimes. Yes. When it's your own work because you have to give edits. I'm doing air quotes.

And I truly replied and I said, after like seven weeks, I go, I'm not going to listen to this. I need you to just. Did you just tell them like, pick what the crack breaks are. I don't care. I got the edit of my half hour and I watched like 10 minutes and I was like, I think this is good. Yeah. No notes. It'll work.

Just put it on TV, man. I don't really need to be watching this shit. Oh, November 15th. Watch my half hour on Comedy Central. November 15th! We're going to have a fucking... I'm going to eat some meatballs. Let me tell you, someone who was in the building, this man killed.

You know, not to talk shit, killed and then in the building, this man killed. Oh, yeah. You know, not to talk shit, killed, and then came out and killed on him again. Murdered on him again. Had to double down. Wait, why'd you have to go back out? They wanted more coverage, so I hit him with- You didn't do enough time. Yeah, well, I always did, because I was like, it's going to be 22.

Oh, they don't want that. I did 24. No, they want 30. Yeah. No, I gave him probably 28. Because fuck you. You're going to like, I don't know, because all that 24. No, they want 30. Yeah. No, I gave them probably 28. Because fuck you. You're going to like, I don't know, because all that stuff is on the cutting room floor for a while.

Yeah, then they start making decisions. Yeah, and then it's like, I need to know what I can go out and tour with. I was actually very surprised. This is me alley-ooping and being like, I had a half hour or two. I was very surprised what they didn't put in mine. Really? Yeah, it was jokes that I really, really, really liked. Yeah, that they didn't put in mine. Really? Yeah, it was jokes that I really, really, really liked. That they didn't put in.

And when you see it, you're like, oh, yeah, I guess there wasn't like a natural place for it, but things that I consider Megan Gailey classics. Right. Not in the half hour, but then you're like, okay, I guess I'm doing this eight-year-old joke on the road somewhere. Yeah. Keep that bullet in the clip.

I was also surprised at how much they don't pay you, which is another Megan Gailey classic who told me. She was like, don't worry, Louisiana gives it all back. They do give it all back. This is maybe tacky to talk about. I don't know. I'll tell you who cuts the thick check is the folks at Netflix. That's what I heard.

That's a thicker check, but I think maybe those checks are, you know, on a diet a little bit, too. You want a what? I think they're, I think you got the thickest round, and now they're like, Too thick. Too thick.

Too thick. They give you, like, a buyout. I never know if people like things like this. So they give you an amount of money to fly yourself yourself or if you want to, I don't know, take a train, whatever you want to do. I flew myself. I flew. And so we're flying and everyone, you know, there's only so many straight flights from L.A. to New Orleans. So everyone is on that flight basically.

I got myself a first class ticket. You're in good company. Because it's. This is a first class ticket you're in good company this is a first class room it was way under the amount of money I had money in my pocket and then I see all my friends who are also doing half hours like walking past me

like okay big shot and I'm like you got the same money I did the same thing. Also, we got a per diem. What money are you saving? Dog, I love a per diem. But then like Comedy Central execs were sitting in coach. And I'm like, and they're all looking at me like I'm crazy.

Really? And I'm like, no, you guys, this is a business trip. I've said this before. I'm a big fat load. I'm going to fly first class until they kill me. The only time I haven't flown first class in the last four years has been under duress. It was with this man right here, and it was so we could get to Minneapolis to do a show. Okay, great.

But we were the fat guys in the aisles. It was pretty cool. We were on either side of the aisle, so they had to really squeeze that drink. There was a fat guy on my flight back from LA to Indy last weekend, and he brought on a full box of donuts. No! But then he sat in first class, and I was like, you know what? Hell yeah, dude.

Okay, these are first class. All right, beautiful. You are cool. And he wasn't eating it. He was like flying back with it, but it's like people were obviously looking at him like, I can't believe he's carrying a box of donuts. I can't believe you're sitting in coach. Do you, dog?

I'm ashamed of my initial reaction in coach. Do you, dog? I'm ashamed of my initial reaction to that. Actually, fucking good for him. Good for him. He was like, I went back to my coach brain. Well, it's not even, it's because it's like,

if you're taking the armrests and eating a box of donuts. But he wasn't eating it. He just was transporting it. His initial reaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't eat it too. Well, I don't know if he didn't eating it. He just was transporting it. His initial reaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he didn't eat it too. Well, I don't know if he didn't eat it.

I bet he started eating it. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Uber Comfort. Have you all fucked with Uber Comfort yet? No, I don't understand why.

You can pick the temperature and you can pick if you want him to talk or not. Really? Is that why? It's like $2 more. I haven't even pressed. You can pick the temperature and you can pick if you want them to talk or not. Really? Is that why? It's like $2 more. I haven't even pressed the button. It's $2 more. I don't even know if this, well, but I'm on Lyft.

Oh. We're not supposed to do Uber? Well, I don't know. I actually don't think you're supposed to do Uber. Remember when we were supposed to delete Uber? Yes. And then I did it, and then two weeks later, I was like, listen, they got some deals. I put it right back on. I'm away from SoulCycle right now. I'm getting married, though.

I may have to go back. How many things can we boycott at once? But yeah, I fucking am. Uber comfort. I no longer have to do the fake conference call. Yeah. So a lot of people think I'm a psychopath when I tell them this, but I don't like talking in an Uber. Me neither.

Um, I don't like small talk with strangers in general. Yeah. No, some people are all about that. Really? Oh, I love talking to my, yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so what I will do is I'll walk, I'll get in the car with headphones on, AirPods on, whatever.

Yes, yes. And, and I'll, and I'll just point, I'll say, sorry, I'm on a call. Oh God. And then they say, okay. And they turn down the music a little bit. And then just every once in a while, you're just like, yeah, Tuesday works. It's just little things like that during the drive. And then you get out and there's no conversation.

I'm just like, I don't want to. You just tell them I don't want to talk. No, I don't even tell them. I just like get in with a vibe. One word answers. But I am always, oh, when you're like, when you get an alert and it's like your diver's deaf you're like fuck yes. I talk to them a lot. Do you?

Yeah often. You talk to the deaf people? No I mean I talk to the people Megan. I talk to the people on the way to the airport. On the way to the airport I go I gotta get in the mood. I'm about to see a bunch of folks. I talk to all my I just kinda it feels crazy to me. I'm not from a taxi culture so it's like five in the morning. I talk to all my Uber. I just kind of, it feels crazy to me.

I'm not from a taxi culture. So it's like crazy for me to just like be in a car with somebody for a long time. Yeah, but in LA they're trying to like, I do stand up. Oh, you can't tell them what to do, right? I'm not trying to, but there are some things I'll be like, I write. I've had a few times where somebody told me, I had one guy tell me he was a stand upup, and it was like right after I moved here, and he was like, who are you friends with? And I said somebody, and he was like, oh, that right there tells me you're probably not doing it right. Ew.

Yeah, and I was like, all right, brother. I have never heard of him. No offense, dog. Yeah. But someone's a passenger. A friend of mine who's on TV for ESPN obviously if you say oh I work for ESPN then you get a lot of questions right and he doesn't

always want to have those conversations so he has gone to researching like the parts that make up like a Tonka truck or whatever and he can talk in depthly about like putting so he's like yeah I work for a company that puts together you know that makes this part and he can talk in-depthly about putting...

I work for a company that makes this part for a Tonka truck. If they ask questions, he can go in on it but it's not that question. People say real estate. I'm in real estate. I say insurance. I say I sell insurance a lot.

They know you don't sell insurance. I tell people I need to memorize something and then I put my headphones on. You know? That's a good point. You're in Adidas sandals on the way to the airport. Yeah. I'm wearing a sweatsuit. I do insurance ingesting.

I never thought about it that way. You're like, oh, I sell insurance. They're like, sure you do, buddy. But me, I could be like, I'm a producer at Fox News. And they're like, all right, what do you want Go listen to Max Beat t-shirt. Oh, I saw the shirt and I was like, sure you do, buddy. But me, I could be like, I'm a producer at Fox News and they're like, all right, what do you want

to listen to? I don't really have, oh, come to see me at Bumbershoot. I'll be at Bumbershoot Labor Day weekend. Bumbershoot. Bumbershoot.

I'll be doing stand-up there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So come fuck with me and Tyler, the creator on any given Sunday. I was thinking about going to that. Fucking come up.

I got your pass. We could do a little show somewhere. Yeah, go see Tyler. I will not be going, but I support everyone else going. Well, you're invited.

Thank you so much. You can change your mind. I have plans. Okay, well, if they fall through, we'd love to have you a bummer shoot. I would love to go,

actually. Never mind. We speak on behalf of bummer shoot. Am I on the festival now? Watch the Late Late Show, James Corden. Listen to All Fantasy. Everything.

Root for me at the Emmys. Nominated. Ding, ding. Two times this time. You saw they were having no parties. I saw that. Fuck the agencies. I love it.

Fuck them. Is that why? They say. Oh, these motherfuckers. The agencies. These slimy pieces of shit. This is so inside baseball, but let me go off for a second. But it's not because we're in a union.

We're in a union. And I feel like unions were very much in the news this week. I'm in a union? Yeah. So they're saying the agencies, who, by the way, anyone who has been, like, steadily employed is still paying their agent 10% of every fucking check. I assume.

I still send 10% of every fucking check. That's what I assume. I still send 10% of every check from Corden to CAA so they're still making a grip of money off of all their clients, but they're like, oh, we can't do the party this year because of the WGA conflict. Fuck them. They are the worst, dog. I like my agent a lot, which I know is what everybody

says, but fuck those greedy motherfuckers. No, they're bad guys. Get your fucking hands out of our pockets, you piece of shit. I also think it's so funny because, listen, guys, you may have never been to an L.A. party. Does it sound cool? Yeah, in actuality,

it's the worst party you've ever been to. Never. They're throwing parties for themselves. It's for them. So it's like you're only hurting you. We're going to still be drunk having fun. Well, I'm not invited to the Emmys, and I pray never will be,

but I'll be drunk at home. Yes. But you're saying we can't go to the Roosevelt Hotel rooftop. Listen, we're fine. We're fine. We don't care. That's for y'all. I got a hundred bucks to get hammered with, you pieces of shit. It is.

It's for them to get fucking hammered. You go to agency parties and you will see the drunkest agents. Oh. Yo. Drunkest. And drunk agents are reckless. You'll see a dog. You should talk to the only female comedian here off air, okay? Oh. Yo. Drunk agents. And drunk agents are reckless. You should talk to the only female comedian here off air, okay? Seen some shit.

Holy shit. You'll see. Agents are always like the stupidest people who still got into Harvard, and you will go see them be so drunk. Anyway, shout out to my agents, though. I love you. That's it. That's it.

Let's do the fucking podcast. Let's do it. Now we're in. Yo love you. That's it. That's it. Let's do the fucking podcast. Let's do it. Now we're in. Yo, so. That was a big intro. Big intro. We just haven't, I mean, everybody here has such a joy to talk to. But I also think this is the type of thing where we could go fast through the draft.

Oh, I think we could. Yeah. I think we could. Because I don't think there's going to be a lot of like, explain, you know? You'll be surprised. Yeah, that's true. Shout out to Marissa. No, my crew is bad

fucking how do we even get into oh we are gathered here today in beautiful HeadGum Studios in scenic downtown

Los Angeles California just a ooh just a whisper from Skid Row keep charity in your heart a hop skip and a jump from Chinatown

just not too far from Chinatown just in the too far from Chinatown. In the arts district technically, which is what they're calling it. I call it Little Tokyo. Little Tokyo is not far from here. Shout out to Riff LA. Pretty cool sneaker shop.

Gather here, not only to name different micro-neighborhoods in Los Angeles, but also to draft NBA players who are not based on their skill on the court, based on other shit about them. Everything else. Just everything except how good they are at basketball.

And the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. I'm shooting up. Play between the three of you. And we throw on shoot. So here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! David Borey wins. What? This is the odd, paper, scissors, shoot! David Bowie wins. What? Because he's the odd one out, so then he gets to win.

What the fuck? It's whoever throws a unique thing. I like that you were so ready to bully me. Because really, we should have eliminated him and then just be us going at it. I would have picked a different thing. Well, really, that's not how it works. This was a democracy, maybe.

I'm going first. Before you determine the order of the draft, I would have picked a different thing. Well, really, that's not how it works. If this was a democracy, maybe. I'm going first. David, okay, well, before you determine the order of the draft, I would love to remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that, Zach? I could tell you what a serpentine draft is. Oh, please, okay, great. So let's say you're having a snack before a podcast.

Always. And you have a box of Sour Patch Kid cereal, and you have a package of Red Truck Old Bay Seasoned Beef Jerky. You're like, I need that Sour Patch Kids cereal. I'm just going to try a couple of bites. Wow, what a weird taste in your mouth. I've got to get rid of that. So then you go to the Old Bay Jerky and you have that.

That's a weird combination. I don't know if I like that combination. Let me have another piece of that Old Bay Jerky and then you're going to eat that. Now you've got it and you're like, I kind of want something a little sweet and sour here. So then you go back to the cereal a couple more times. Then you're like, I really like that. I'm more of a savory than a sweet. So then you go back to the beef jerky.

It's like that. He really nailed it. Perfect explanation. Sean still kind of doesn't get it. He doesn't? Wow. Sean explains it every time, but he forgets that the serpentine is like 1, one, you know, one, two, three, four, four, three, two. With that in mind, David Borey, what will the order of today's draft be?

I'm going to go David Borey. I'm going to go Zach Hartman. Oh, fuck. I'm going to go Megan Gailey. I'm going to go Ian Carmel. Hot corner. Hot corner in the studio. We're doing a zig.

Double or not. We're doing a zag. We're doing a zigzag. I don't think I'm going to get my top pick, but I'm going to get my second and third for sure. David Boren. I don't know. Mine is, my shit's weird over here.

It's going to be weird. I think everyone's shit's weird. You are on the clock with the NBA players based on everything except their basketball skill. Muggsy Bogues. Whoa. Really? All right. He was tiny and his name. Muggsy Bogues. Whoa. Really? Alright. He was tiny and his name was Muggsy.

What's not to love? Okay. He came out and his mom was like that's a little Muggsy. I don't know if his real name's Muggsy. It's not. Okay. We're all historians now. What are his other, what's his portfolio? Ah, that picture he took

with Manute Bull? Yeah. I don't know if you remember that. It's my fiance's background on his phone. Oh, wow. You know what my background on my phone is? A picture of him and I. And then any time I look at his phone, I go, well, that's two men you've never met.

Maybe he thinks of you as Muggsy Bugs and Manute Bull. Maybe. And it reminds him of your relationship. You're Manute Bull in this scenario. I tried to make a custom hoodie of Manute Bull floating in the water. That picture of him in the swimming pool. And the website was like, this is infringement. It's copyrighted.

That is an eerie picture. He looks like an alien. I love it. I want it on a hoodie so bad. I bet you could make it happen. I'm going to figure it out. Muggsy Buggs, for those of you who don't know. He was just like a little rascal. 5'3". A full foot

shorter than your boy Ian Carmel. A full 9 inches shorter than your boy David Borey. That's right. A full foot shorter than David Borey. You guys let that ride. I appreciate it. Yeah, you can have it. Absolutely. 6'1". He's 6'1", dude. 6'1 in the moving pictures.

Touching rim, by the way. Touching rim all the time. Charlotte Hornet, Washington Bullet, back when they were the Bullets. He's got some fun Getty images for just like shit he used to wear. If you ever look that up. He dressed like a maniac. Yeah. A lot of weird short sets.

Because he could shop at Gap Kids. I just always liked him. He seemed like a cool guy. I remember he had that basketball card with him and his kid, and I was like, a tiny had a tiny. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I the only one that feels like this is a really bad pick? No. I don't think it's a first pick.

For a top pick, it's... I don't think it's a first pick. He's top pick, I don't think it's a first pick. He's not even on my list of like 25. I didn't have him on my list either. He's just short. Yeah. That's it. That's what I like.

I think we have different criteria. My second pick is fantastic. All right. Unless he goes in the first, but I don't think he's in the first. He's short, and then good at basketball. No,

and obviously iconic. That's crazy. What are we talking about here? He's iconic. Did you hear what you just said? He's iconic. That's Nate Robinson. That's crazy.

He's short. What's crazy is he's- He's fat, and he can run fast. What are we talking about? He's five inches shorter than Nate Robinson. I'm going to try to show my cards. Nate is like a business owner. Nate is the man.

Yeah. He also works out on the internet real hard. We were on a weed show together. You and Nate? Yeah, Nate and John Sally and I. Spider-Man? Wow. And that crew walks into a bar.

Wow. And at first... That's a big three team. That is a big three team. I feel like the whole time, those two were just trying to keep Megan from fighting people. They were truly at first, like, why did they stick us with this white bitch?

And then, like, two hours in, they were like, this bitch is crazy. I also love that Nate Robinson loves Washington. He does. Nobody loves Washington. I love him. Washington guys rep Washington. Yeah, people who went to that college rep it really hard.

A lot of NBA players. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From, you know, I don't want to name them. But, all right, all five foot three of Muggsy Buggs. I like him. Tiny man genius. Wake Forest. Fucking FIBA world champion gold medal winner.

I'm trying to find other. That's a basketball thing. Yeah. All right, well, listen, hey. He's in Space Jam? Oh, he's in Space Jam. There you go. I'm trying to find another that's a basketball thing yeah alright well listen hey he's in Space Jam oh he's in Space Jam there you go

his monster was the coolest monster he's in Curb Your Enthusiasm that's right Larry David looks at his penis he's cool dude yeah he's a cool dude

listen if you feel good we feel good I feel great I feel great I think that's true I'm glad that's what you took with your first pick. Zach, hit this weed pen.

Hit that weed pen. Zach Harper, time for your first pick. Normally, I would try to be a good friend, right? I would try to be a good friend. I would try to be a good friend and just make sure everyone gets what they want. But I've been called the enemy of the podcast

so many times that i'm taking my favorite person ever rashid wallace i'm sorry to do it again but he is my favorite i'm open to a trade later in the draft but he is my favorite anytime people say like i've gotten this question if you could interview two people in nba history who would it be and it's Rashid Wallace and him looking into a mirror like that's all it is Rashid twice

yeah just two Rashids like I love he's so cool everything about Rashid Wallace the jailblazers oh my god the fact that he was going bald yeah

and he was still cool he's still rocking it he was so cool Rashid is so I got to shout out to Katie Knoll in front of the podcast.

Did we go to that? Was it us who went to the, yeah, right, to the celebrity game? Oh, yeah, we did go there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember when we were walking out and we saw Rashid and KG? And KG. Yeah. They were walking in as we were walking out and the two of them were just like goofing

around. KG had like a camcorder like it was the 98 dunk contest. Yeah. It was amazing. Was that going to be your first pick? Yeah, Rashid was for sure going to be your first pick? Yeah, Rasheed was for sure going to be my first pick. Yeah, I assumed. Speaking of Larry David, I have two portraits of two men in my living room.

Larry David's one and the other is Rasheed Wallace. Done by Nathan McKee. Shout out to Nathan McKee. I have a portrait of Mekhi Pfeiffer and Wood Harris in my living room. Do you really? Bokeem Woodbine. We have a illustration have a Illustration of Travis Scott

A picture Don't be rude to my family Of a picture of Obama Passing a basketball Behind his back to Michelle That's pretty great That's like I like that

Beautiful That's so good Yeah That makes me really happy That you have that in your home Thank you so much And then like Uncle Phil somewhere in our house too. Oh, shit.

I didn't even think about memorializing him. Pool hustler Uncle Phil. What do you love about Rasheed Wallace? Talk us through it. Because I know you love him too. This isn't a snake. Yeah. He, I just, I love the fact that he was willing to say anything.

He didn't care. And I think there's a lot of people, like I know there are a lot of people in the NBA that fake that. That fake being, oh, I don't care. But they truly care. And you can see how sensitive they are, which is fine. Sensitivity is fine. But don't pretend to be something you're not.

He is everything. He portrays everything that he is. He's 100% authentic. 100% authentic. I love that he was like, fuck this. I'm going to truck water up to Flint, Michigan. He will just do whatever is necessary to be a good dude. He's a great person.

He's like the Muggsy Bogues of good dudes. A friend of mine who I do podcasting with has a bunch. He used to hang out with Rasheed and has a bunch of stories of just Rasheed looking out for people when they went out. There's a story about they went to a strip club. My friend got too drunk. He threw up on himself. She was like, nope, just flip your sweatpants inside out, go to the bathroom,

take care of yourself. Wouldn't let him get kicked out of the club and everything. I love how this is a story of him being a good dude. Keep it in the back though. Listen, his friend needed to be at a strip club. He's a good dude. Keep it in the back though. Listen, it's where I needed to be at a strip club. He's a good dude. My wife said I could be out until three. Don't fuck this for me.

Every story you hear about him off court is like, amazing guy, amazing guy. And people don't like him because he yelled. Because he yelled at us. Because he was mad when people did their job poorly. I just don't have an issue with any of the stigmas that were attached to him. I think they're bullshit. I think he's such a good dude. For sure.

I think they wrote him hard. Yeah. I think they wrote him hard. And to be that guy in like Portland, Oregon, like not this version of Portland either. Like in the late 90s, early 2000s, where like the media, where I'm friends with a couple of those guys, but the media was like, would use the word thug a lot. Yeah. The fact that they called them the jailblazers when it was like a weed possession.

That was what everybody called them. They were the jailblazers. I have a book where they're called the jailblazers on the cover. Yeah, I got that book too. Yeah, Cary Eggers wrote that shit, but he was one of the guys I mean like, you know, like using coded racist terminology for that whole team.

Especially Rasheed Wallace. Yeah. And he was like unapologetically himself in that environment. It's not like he was doing it in Philadelphia. Right. He was in fucking Portland, Oregon being that guy. And it was just beautiful to see someone being themselves like that. One of the coolest moments of my professional career was I was at Summer League two years ago and I just happened, I turned a corner and it was just Rasheed Wallace and Joey Crawford.

Just two Philadelphia guys yucking it up. That's amazing. Having the most animated, fun conversation. And I just stood there watching them like a psychopath. Yeah. Because I was like, I'm never going to get this moment ever again. And I just watched two strangers have a conversation. It was so cool.

Amazing pick. If anyone else had to have a shoot, I'm glad it's you. I am sorry to do it to you, but I couldn't. It opens me up to take some other crazy people. Yeah, I was for sure he was going to... He was not going to make it past the first round. I kind of thought you were going to take like a Mike Bibby. I...

I am from Sacramento. I hate Mike Bibby. Of course you do. Have you seen him lately? We've had some run-ins. Have you? Yeah, we've had some run-ins. What run-ins? We've had run-ins with.

With Mike Bibby or with Team Dime? Yes. Do you remember his crew, Team Dime? No. They all had Team Dime. One guy has Team Dime tattooed down his shins. Oh, no. Yeah.

They all have it, I think, on their forearm. Oh. Like, yeah. So I was sort of dating this waitress at Cheesecake Factory, not to brag. That is the NBA. Which location? That's where they go. Arden Fair Mall, Sacramento.

Okay. Yeah. That's where they go. And, yeah, they went there all the time, and they kept trying to get her to see Mike Bibby and all this stuff and so one night out at a bar, they happened to be there

and they tried to like whisk her away and she didn't want to go and I tried to step in a little bit knowing I was outnumbered and it got a little heated and she pulled me out of the bar.

Wow. Wow. What happened with you and her? Well, it fizzled out. Sex. What any relationship I have, it was fine and then it fizzled out. Sex. With any relationship I have, it was fine

and then it fizzled out. You should have got Shaq on your side. I bet he would have fought Mike Bibby with you. Shaq definitely would have fought. Oh, what? It kind of stops saying people.

That brings me to... Megan Gailey's first pick? My pick? That's a great first pick. Shaq. Yeah. You guys, I am operating under

a totally different set of criteria. I think I'm on your criteria, too. This man is a sheriff. This man is a DJ. He owns 10% of Five Guys. He owns 17 Auntie Anne's. He owns a movie theater.

Papa John's. Well, I didn't want to bring it up, but he is on the board of Papa John's. He's reviving Papa John's. He is one of the funniest comedians on television. Just in that mosh pit. Yes. He's a raver. He's a raver.

Do you guys remember when he spanked that kid? Yes. Yeah, he's so funny. That was the funniest thing I've seen on TV. He's amazing. He arrests people. Yeah. He has so many jobs outside of this that it's like he doesn't even need basketball.

He's a polymath. He didn't need basketball. He could dance. I ate at Shaquille's downtown. Two weeks after it opened. How was it? I had a great time. That's great. It's like fun. It's totally different than you think it's gonna be. You're like, oh, it'll be a sports

bar and then you go in and it's not fine dining so it's in between a sports bar and fine dining. I want to go to Shaquille's after this. Maybe we could go. Yeah, yeah. I'm 100% in. The macaroni and cheese has crushed cheese-its on top of it.

Oh, man. But the food is good and funny. Let's go to Shaquille's after this. That's what you assume Shaq is eating. Yeah. And all the food was good. It's Southern comfort. Very good.

I want to go to Shaquille's. And then he has a booth. It turns into a nightclub at night. I don't know. It's Southern comfort. Very good. I want to go to Shields. And then he has a booth. It turns into a nightclub at night. I don't know if it's doing well. But it turns into a nightclub at night and then he has a booth and then behind it there's a DJ booth

that's just always available for him to come and DJ. If Shaq wants to come in and play records. It's a custom sized DJ booth. Oh, yeah. It's tall. Like his bed.

A cool thing he used to do too when he, well, he probably did it in every city he worked worked in he played in but he would like go to like a Walmart and just say like

all these people I got their stuff if they were in line he'd just be like I'll pay for it like because he's got more money than you could ever do anything with

right but he's just like he's legit a good person yeah he hasn't yeah he hasn't touched the general one of the coolest episodes

of Cribs ever. Ever. Yeah. His bed was so big. It's a monster's bed. His ex-wife created Basketball Life. Yes. So like he-

Shawnee. His ex is so business savvy. She's an executive producer. Yeah. Like they are so business minded. He is so business minded. Yes. Because I think the NBA and TNT is the greatest comedy on television now that group has died. The greatest comedy show, no offense.

Oh, please, we're an entertainment show. But it's like you are a comedian. You are so, and that's not even in his top ten things he's doing on a day-to-day. We've shot a couple things with him, and he's so fucking funny. He's just so fucking funny. He's like a guy, he would have been a king in any era. Yeah.

You take his size and skill set and knowledge, he would always have been the best. This is arguably his weakest era. He would have been, you know what I mean? A hundred years ago? Yeah. I also think basketball is maybe not even

his greatest skill. I think you're right. I just think basketball is maybe not even his greatest skill. I think you're right. I just think he's like 7'3 and an amazing athlete. So he's like, I guess I'll do this. Remember Taco Bell commercials? Remember blue chips? Remember blue chips? He was riding a tandem bike with Hakeem Olajuwon for the double-decker taco.

Oh, my God. It's the reason. Neon Vodro. Come on. You know those things are culturally biased. He was able to name all the countries in South America. I make my own sense. Shaq, that's an amazing pick.

It's fantastic. Also, one more fun thing about him is that he tells stories that everyone knows he's lying. He lies constantly, knowing that people know he's lying while he tells them, but he's just trying to tell a good story. And then afterwards, people are like, you're full of shit. He's like, yeah. But he just has fun with that. We even talked about his Twitter presence,

which in the early days of Twitter. He's the reason the blue check mark is around. Is that real? He was the first one verified. That's fucking crazy. Of course he was. That's me yelling blow it on my first pic. I do love Shaq.

I mean, Muggsy's great. I love Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal. I love him so much I know his middle name. Does he own 17 Auntie Anne's? Who owns 17? I didn't know there were 17 Auntie Anne's. There's 17 in the fucking Glendale Gallery. I didn't know that you could own them.

I thought they just existed. You guys, when we get to the end of this, I didn't know that you could own them. I thought they just existed. You guys, when we get to the end of this, I'm going to tell you every hilarious NBA player's portfolio. Oh, I love that. We got some major stakeholders in Wendy's. Oh, yeah? Yep.

I guess that's a lot of those Indiana people probably. Oh, these are not Indiana. You will be actually shocked to hear. Really? Wow. I can't wait to get to it. I'm not going to pick them. I'll just let you know. Chauncey Billups owns 30 Wendy's.

Yeah, he's a good guy, though. Really? 30? 30? In the Denver area? In Denver? I don't know. I think, I mean, there can't be 30 that he can't own all of Denver Wendy's.

I'm going to look up how many Wendy's are in Denver. We don't know. Man. We don't know. Well, now some football players have to own a couple. He is the king of parking. Time for my first pick. With my first pick, I'm going to take, oof, I'm going to take a coach.

What? I'm taking Greg Popovich. Oh! Yeah! Take a pop. Take a pop. Take a pop. I mean, fuck.

We were talking last night. Yeah. You got popped once. I got popped once. Will you tell the story about getting popped? So, getting popped is where you ask a question to Greg Popovich, and he lets you know it's a stupid night. Yeah. You got popped once. I got popped once. Will you tell the story about getting popped? So getting popped is where you ask a question to Greg Popovich, and he lets you know it's a stupid question. Wow.

So the first time I ever talked to Greg Popovich, I asked a question about, I don't know. I asked a question about players coming back from injury or dealing with players' injuries, whatever. Yeah. And he gave me the most thoughtful answer. And I'm like super new into the industry and all this stuff. And I'm like, this isn't hard to talk to Greg Popovich.

You just got to be smart. That's all it is. That's a compelling question. Then the second time he was in town, I go and I think, I'm going to wow Greg Popovich with my knowledge. So I ask him a question about defending corner three-pointers. And we're in a scrum. It's a pregame scrum of like me and maybe four other reporters.

Yeah. And so I ask the question. He looks at me. He goes, you think if I knew the question. He looks at me. He goes, you think if I knew the answer to that, I'd even tell you? And it's just silent. Everyone has their eyes down.

Nobody wants to look at you. I'm looking around like, you motherfuckers are hanging me out to dry. So I just look back at him and I go, what if I ask nicely? And then he like gave a little smile, like just a curl of a smile and said, all right, we're done here. And he walked away. All right. So I kind of like, I was able to ride with gave a little smile like just the curl of a smile said all right we're done

here and he walked away all right so i kind of like i was able to ride with a little bit oh he's that's the thing like he can be prickly with some of the media stuff because what we do is really stupid like the whole question like it's just dumb you're telling me i talk about my wiener that's more productive than what most of the media does with this stuff. But if you just talk to him, he is the most giving dude, the nicest guy.

He takes care of all of his employees. Smart, funny, if you were ever a Spurs... For those of you who don't know, Greg Popovich is a basketball coach who coaches the San Antonio Spurs. He's the greatest coach of all time. And has since 1998. Amazing coach. He's the greatest coach of all time. And has since 1998. Amazing coach. He's won like five championships.

He's the coach of USA Basketball right now. And if you were ever on the Spurs, you're always a Spur. He'll take people out to dinner if they're like, okay, we're in Miami and this guy's in Miami. Come out to dinner with us. He's also right about everything. About everything. Every opinion he had like outside of that it's just like oh yeah you are right and i love how aggressive there's no nfl coach like him

no there's nobody no no he speaks out on like political issues yeah social issues violence in the cia i think he's inspired steve ker like, oh, okay, I guess I can definitely get away. And Steve Kerr definitely has a very infamous past with international politics in a way that's truly tragic. His father was killed. His father was assassinated. Assassinated as a diplomat. But when you see him do it and he is so good at it and there is that thing

of there's not a place. There's the shut up and dribble. No one says that to him. He's kind of the Rashid of coaches. He doesn't give a fuck. He's himself. He's like the Muggsy Bogues of coaches. A lot of people are saying that. He loves wine. He loves good food.

He's fucking tight. I love him. He sat good food. He's fucking tight. I love him. He sat Tim Duncan out of a game and put in the official reason, DNP, which means did not play, old. Old. Wrote that like he just gives them shit. To go back to your previous pick, there's this strategy because Shaq is bad at free throws.

It's called hack a Shaq where you would foul Shaq a bunch to make him shoot free throws so he couldn't just dunk it on you. And they did that to Shaq all bad at free throws. It's called hack-a-Shaq, where you would foul Shaq a bunch to make him shoot free throws so he couldn't just dunk it on you. And they did that to Shaq all through the playoffs, and then the Spurs were playing the Lakers in the first game of the next season, tip off, and immediately they fouled Shaq. And Shaq's, like, pissed for a second, and he looks over at Greg Popovich, and he's, like, smiling and gives him a thumbs up.

Double thumbs up. And then everyone starts laughing. It's just fucking funny. It's beautiful. He's an amazing dude. Huge wine guy, up. Double thumbs up. And then everyone starts laughing. It's just fucking funny. It's beautiful. He's an amazing dude. Huge wine guy, too. Huge wine guy. He makes his own wine.

If you can find a bottle of wine, which is almost impossible, it's basically just you have to know people. Yeah. But it's called Rock and Hammer. It's called Rock and Hammer, and it's apparently- No, it's not. No, I swear to God. Don't do that to me.

Don't do that to me. It is the holy grail of NBA wine. And is it red or white or all? I've only seen bottles of red, but I'm sure he's got everything. He strikes me as a red. Oh, he's a red guy for sure. I don't know what that means. Just like an intellect.

It's earthy. And like a little sexy. A little sexy. And like, you know, swirling it around. What does a white guy do? A white is like. I'm a white guy. A white, you're drinking it to get drunk, you know, swirling it around. What does a white guy do? A white is like. I'm a white guy. You're drinking it to get drunk, you know.

Time for my second pick, which we will get to right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage.

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Man, we're back. All right. With my second pick, I'm going to take, oh, it's tough. I'm going to take someone who celebrates the way I would like to celebrate, who lays it all out there. It is a quest for romantic and sexual fulfillment. I'm taking Earl J.R. Smith. I knew it. God damn it. I knew it. You was on my list.

I was going to take him second. I thought I could get him second. I fucking love a man who had to cover up his Supreme tattoo with a band because the NBA said it was a sponsorship violation, right? Yeah. A man who did not wear a shirt for three days, four days? Probably longer. Probably longer than that. For sure longer!

Did not wear a shirt after the Cavs won a championship. A man who, while flirting with a woman in the DMs, just laid it all out there. Was just like, you trying to get the pipe? Yeah. In a conversation that was not going there. That was not necessarily, maybe eventually, but not necessarily going in that direction. Not based on what we read. No, not what I saw.

Listen, I got to get to the gym. I got to practice my corner threes. Are you trying to get the pipe? Fucking beautiful. Just like. No, JR's great, man. Outspoken. Came straight out of high school.

There was this rookie show on NBA TV, and when he learned that he got a per diem for being on the road, he was just like, I think there's a scene where his mind's like, so I can buy all this candy. He immediately went to like, I can buy candy with this, I got this cash, and I'm just gonna go buy candy.

What do you think happened to me when I got that comedy center job? Oh, yeah. You have an exercise bike made of Tootsie Rolls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just fucking love J.R. Smith. I love his whole fucking attitude.

He's fun, man. He's fun as hell. He also is J.R. Smith. I love his whole fucking attitude. He's fun, man. He's fun as hell. He also is sexy. Oh, yeah. So when he takes his shirt off, you're like, yeah, keep it off. Home run derby? Please. You know, like, this is what we want.

Amazing golfer. Amazing golfer. Amazing golfer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was unsure if he had purchased the Rocks truck from Fast Five. He definitely drove something that was similar to it to a club one night in New York. Wow. And people were trying to figure out if that was his truck.

That's fucking amazing. Yeah. Come back to the NBA, JR. Please. We need him. Please someone sign him. I think he wants to be back. We need him back.

Who's got his contract? It doesn't matter. LeBron. No one. No one. Yeah. Listen. LeBron.

You need him, LeBron. You need a friend. You got an open spot. They do have an open spot. His. You need him, LeBron. You need a friend. They do have an open spot. His ACLs will hold up. Oh, my God. They're fine. They will. Yeah.

He might come up later. He's learned his lesson. He's learned his lesson. JR's learned his lesson. He knows to check the score in time. Oh, my God. Also one of the biggest. Even that photo is like beautiful.

It was a great meme. It's like a Greek tragedy. Yeah. It's like you're going to lose. I mean, you're going to lose a series. So it's a victimless crime. We might as Greek tragedy. You're going to lose a series. It's a victimless crime. We might as well get this Renaissance painting out.

I felt that photo so much because I have definitely been both LeBron and JR in that photo many times. Oh, that's life, man. Some days you're LeBron, some days you're JR. I've only been JR. Never been LeBron. What? Why? What? Always a JR, never a LeBron.

Megan, time for your second pick. We are all doing just different things we care about. Magic. Urban Madness. You guys, he cured AIDS. He did. He cured the most. I saw that on TV.

Prolific, insane, terrible disease to ever ravage the, I mean. Yeah, they didn't even want to play with him. Movies about it. It's crazy. Like. Philadelphia. While making Starbucks appealing to black people. I also have Starbucks.

Yeah, you didn't do that good. He owns 24-hour fitnesses. He owns Burger Kings. He owns TGI Fridays. Movie theaters. His wife, I love how I keep bringing the wives into it. Cookie has a beautiful line of jeans. I do own a pair of cookies.

Her name is Cookie Johnson. Cookie Johnson, dude. His son? The son is famous. Oh, his son. That is amazing. EJ's an animal. EJ.

I love that guy. And now that he's like officially out of it. Yeah. Clearly is having fun. He quit his job so he could tweet. Yeah. That's why he wanted to do it. He was like, I don't get to tweet what I want.

This is bullshit. Magic Johnson was working for the Lakers as a president or like in some capacity. He was the president of the fucking LA Lakers. And he kept getting fined for tampering because he would tweet about other players. And so he was like, all right, I quit. And so he could tweet like, Paul George has an excellent, you know. Yeah, it's not like he's dropping knowledge. He's basically tweeting out Wikipedia entries. Yeah, he'll be like,

the Los Angeles Lakers are going to need to score more points in the fourth quarter if they want to win this game. It's like the most basic shit. Like, you don't want to see LeBron James in the triple threat position. He turned 60 the other day. Also his complicated relationship with Larry Bird. Yeah. I think about that a lot because his complicated relationship with Larry Bird. Yeah.

I think about that a lot because I don't have a father. Sure. Because their relationship is so like, like they don't talk on the phone, but like. Right. They love each other. Did you see that clip when Bird was like, when they were like, what did you feel like when you heard Johnson had AIDS?

And Larry Bird, who is a motherfucker. He's a motherfucker. Pretty glad his dad is dead. He might come up later. He might come up later, Larry Bird, who is a motherfucker. He's a motherfucker. Pretty glad his dad is dead. He might come up later. He might come up later. But yeah, he's a motherfucker. And then he was just like, he couldn't handle it. He starts crying.

That's like a very interesting brotherhood. You know what? We can get into it now because he's who I'm taking next. Oh, are you? We can do Larry and Magic right now. Let's do Larry and Magic right now. All right. So you take Larry Bird with you next, Beck.

Excellent. Indiana State, baby. Indiana State. The hick from French Lick. I love his Bird with you next, Beck. Yeah, Indiana State, baby. Indiana State. The hick from French Lick. I love his relationship with Magic Johnson, though. They couldn't be two different people. It's beautiful. And he legit hated Magic from a competitive standpoint

until they did a commercial together. For the weapons, right? For the weapons, the Converse weapons. And I'm pretty sure in that commercial... Ugly shoes. Magic gets out of a limo and he pulls off some snap pants. Yeah. You can see the outline of his dick in that.

Well, I hope so. Listen, if we're getting an Allstate dick. Yeah. Is that what we're judging on now? I got to retool this. I thought that's what we were doing. Everything factors out. Yeah.

Everything factors out. She took Shaq. Because Johnson Magic was, that was a magic Johnson. In a lot of pants, you can see outline of their dick. Yeah. But sometimes they, I do know for a fact they have had to reshoot Allstate commercials because he's in those khakis. And his dick is so huge.

Too much. Who, Chris Paul? No. The voice. The deep voice. The president on 24. Oh. Chris Paul? No. The voice. The deep voice. The president on 24. Oh, that guy? Yeah.

You get a voice like that with a tiny hog? He has a huge dick and the wind will blow. And then they're like, all right, we're going to have to shoot tomorrow. Wow. I can't wait until they have to reshoot shit around my penis. That's awesome. Click. I'm sorry, sir.

You can't wear this romper. Yeah, man. That guy's got a voice like an oak tree. Yeah. That's not the only thing like an oak tree. Yeah, yeah. You think he's not swinging a cog? He's got a piston.

Larry and Magic. Larry and Magic. Fucking amazing. Also, tell that cake story. Oh, yeah. Larry Bird. Larry and Magic fucking amazing I like also tell that cake story oh yeah Larry Bird Larry Bird cake story I've told it on this podcast before

Larry Bird when he was injured oh he ordered wedding cakes he was injured and like so he was not playing and he was like laid up in the hotel room

and he has a sweet tooth which was early in his career so he would order whole cakes and his theory was he would order wedding cakes because he his theory was he would order wedding cakes because he's like, if you order a wedding cake,

they're going to make it really good. Yeah, they're not going to screw it up. Because it's from bakeries. Yeah. And have them delivered to his hotel. Okay, wow. And he would eat whole wedding cakes. A wedding cake is like $500.

He had it like that, I guess. Because he's trash. He's trash. Much like Sean, he's from a white ghetto. I love him. And he would be like, well, if they're going to make a cake well, it's going to be a wedding cake because it's somebody's most important day of their life. And he would have those delivered and just fucking eat wedding cake.

My other favorite Larry Bird thing is the walking into the locker room at the 88 All-Star game and asking which one of you motherfuckers is going to come in second. For the three-point shootout. And then he won it. In a shooting shirt. I love that he's ugly. He's super, his mustache is upsetting. It's awful. He's also like a

pretty good coach. Yeah, he was a good coach. He's from Indiana, no more love than that. He lives in my parents' neighborhood. Do you know Larry Bird? I see him. Can we go to his house? Of course. Okay.

You don't mean that. I have a joke about him that I truly don't ever do because no one likes it, but CJ loves it. And it's about me seeing him walking his dog. And it's like his dog has no fucking idea who he is and is just shitting. His dog is just shitting and making him pick up the shit. And then one of the 10 greatest NBA players

has to bend over. And it's like, that's like the greatest white basketball player of all time. And his dog's name is Buddy. Oh yeah, of course. And Buddy's like,

I don't think so. Yeah. What do you think he drives? He drives a Range Rover. He looks like Beavis and Butthead. When you see him drive, he drives a Range Rover. Well, I haven't seen him

in a few years. No, I'm not gonna unsee it. But he drives a Range Rover with his long head long head yeah he's got a big ass head he's moving to florida full time i love i love shit talkers like i love rashid i love larry bird and i don't think there's been a better shit talker in nba history than larry bird um not talking basketball skills but just the fact that he would tell, at the end of games, he would tell the guy guarding him,

oh yeah, this is what we're going to run. Yeah. Like, I'm going to go shoot it from, I'm going to shoot the game winner from over here. And he would hit it. And he would do exactly what he said that he was going to do, and he would hit it.

He dropped 60 on the Hawks one time, and the Hawks bench is celebrating. Like, they're celebrating getting lit up by him because he was doing such a ridiculous way. He got bored by basketball. He was so good in 1986. He got bored so he played left-handed for two weeks. That's fucking crazy. He was taking left-handed shots.

I do that with stand-up all the time. Yeah. You grab the mic with the left hand. Yeah. You're like crowd work only. You're talking to the wire. I am left-handed. But yeah, I love Shit Talker. He's the best Shit Talker. Magic and Bird. Amazing picks. David, time for your second and third. I'm going to the current NBA.

I'm picking Jalen Brown. What? You guys don't love Jalen? I mean... Did you not read that GQ article? He's a genius! Can I ask you a question? Are you serious? He talks at MIT! He talks at Harvard! I mean this earnestly. He's like so smart.

Do you miss Sean so much? Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. You guys don't. Are you serious? I love him. He's teaching himself Arabic.

You're not amazed by this man. We are on board. He's all right. I'm a big fan with Jalen Brown. I don't know that I. As a man. He's like what we need people's brains to be. I don't know that I love him. Not a high top fan.

He's like a genius. I'm just saying that's a cool haircut too. I'm trying to argue in your favor. I'm going home. MIT and Harvard, that's very good will hunting. Yeah. What are you talking about? We're trying to back you up.

We're trying to make sense of it. We're on your GQ article. He's so great. I read the GQ. He's wonderful. Even since Moe's at the athletic like three years ago. He went to Berkeley. I've like loved him the whole time. He's teaching himself Arabic. He's so great. I read the GQ. He's wonderful. Even since Moe's at the athletic like three years ago. He went to Berkeley. I've loved him the whole time.

He's teaching himself Arabic. He's very smart. If people were more like him, we would be okay. He's the smartest guy in the NBA. He's the smartest guy in the NBA. He's the smartest guy I know. And I don't even know that guy. We're with you.

We're with you. I don't even want to pick LeBron next because it's like I feel like. Here's what I think. I think if you've gone LeBron, then Jalen, you get a different reaction. I can take whoever I want now because I'm in the corner. It's the next two picks are mine. You could take all of our dads. Yeah.

Jalen Brown. I'd probably take Harper's first just because we're close. Yeah, you do have a good role. You've had Demson with my dad. I have had Demson. You haven't had my dad, but you'd love him. I bet I would. Jalen Brown's great. He's a great... He's incredible.

He's amazing. It took a second. He's incredible. His takes, how he feels about the future of social media. Listen, I was expecting a savory bite, and I got a sweet one, and it threw me off a little bit. That's all it was. No, I hate sweets. That's all it was. You know I hate sweets. I was expecting a sweet bite, and I got a savory one. Don't do this to me. Fucking in this corner now.

LeBron James. Yeah. What do you guys have to say about him? He's not cool enough. No, we love him. He wears short suits like ACDC. Make fun of him. Fine. I don't care.

I'm just being me. I'm a big fan of LeBron. Fucking God damn it. He won't shut up and dribble. He won't. Fuck you, man. No. I watch the shop. He's more than an athlete. I watch the shop. I watch the shop. He's more shut up and dribble. He won't. Fuck you, man. No. I watch the shop.

He's more than an athlete. I watch the shop. I watch the shop. I watch the shop. I watch it. I was in the uninterrupted offices last week. I watch the shop. I'm going to watch Coming to America.

I'm going to watch Space Jam. I'm going to watch Space Jam 2. Do you think it's falling apart? I don't. I think it's right on track. I mean, there's a certain guy in it. He's a genius as well. He's a basketball genius. He's a president. He's a genius genius. Yeah, there's a certain guy. He's a genius as well. He's a basketball genius.

He's a president. He's a genius genius. Yeah, he's a genius. He's got a photographic memory. No, he's a genius. No, we are. We are. Agreed.

I love the LeBron pick. I love the Jalen Brown pick. I'm going to Shaquille's after this. You are. You are fucking lashing out at friends right now. Yeah. Because you feel insecure about your Jalen Brown pick. And your Muggsy Bogues pick.

Well, we just didn't say anything. I Brown pick and your Muggsy Bogues pick. Well, we just didn't say anything. I feel insecure about my Muggsy Bogues pick. I feel great about the Jalen Brown pick, and I thought it was going to be celebrated, and it was trampled. It was trampled in the room. Because when you – I don't feel like anybody's on my side. I feel like I'm in a corner in a fight now. You said current NBA, but then – maybe this is a me problem, but when you said Jalen, I thought you were going to say Jalen Rose. Sorry to name another person, but that's what I thought.

And I was like, oh, I love him. And then you said a different name. I love Jalen Brown. I don't know him. I had to reprocess. I just had to reprocess. But we do too. I'm sorry that we didn't give you.

But the thing is, we don't want you to feel how you feel right now. I feel. It's kind of how I'm going to feel all day. We messed up. Say Jalen Brown again. I'm not doing that. Come on. I'm not doing that. Just say the words Jalen Brown. I'm taking it on the chin. It's kind of how I'm going to feel all day. We messed up. Say Jalen Brown again. I'm not doing that. Come on. I'm not doing that.

Just say the words Jalen Brown. I'm taking it on the chin. Let's do it. Because I'm a good soldier. I'm taking it right on the chin. And whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. All right. Can we talk about LeBron then?

Okay. I'm getting stronger from this draft. No, quite frankly, I don't want to talk about it. I like LeBron a lot. I like LeBron a lot too. We love LeBron. I think he's amazing. I think he was cool.

He's invited to my wedding. Got to. Like, actually? Reggie and LeBron are invited to the wedding. Oh, Reggie retweeted your thing though, right? Reggie and I are close. I do radio with Cheryl every week. Really?

Yeah, every Friday. The best Miller. The best Miller, yeah. She's great. LeBron's sneakers are fucking rad. I love them. It's such a good fat guy sneaker, the LeBron 15s. Yeah, man.

They're amazing. Obviously an amazing father. Amazing father, Taco Tuesday. If I may, on the Taco Tuesday. Are you mad about... If he could just do it without the Speedy Gonzalez vibes at the end. I see what you're saying. I'm a white man,

but I've heard many Mexican basketball fans just say, just cut that out. Yeah. And once it started coming out, LeBron's very open to,

but then literally the next time he did that, after that started, after he started getting some pushback, he had his daughter in a sombrero.

I don't know if that was coincidence. I don't know if that was him just leaning in. You didn't down anybody else's picks. You didn't down anybody else's picks. No, LeBron is the best advocate we have in sports. He's Mr. Basketball. He's the superstar we wanted MJ to be, bro. So lucky that we get to just watch him.

It's amazing that we get to share a time with this man. I'm so happy we get to. That's a great thing, too, is because MJ refused to be that guy. Republicans didn't buy sneakers, all that bullshit, right? And LeBron has said, nope, I'm going to be a billionaire whether you like it or not. He's the embodiment

of stepping up. He's never shirked anything. Open to school. Open to fucking school. The saddest thing is that not everyone loves him, and they are racist, and they are also wrong. Not like him. It's like that says so much about him and nothing about him. People don't like him because he's so great. Because you think you've got to be like Michael Jordan. You gotta be a fucking

asshole. No, maybe this dude's just like one of the most physically talented people to ever walk the face of this planet. Maybe he doesn't also have to get his dad killed. Could be a tight end. In the NFL. What? He's right.

Here's my one LeBron critique. God, nobody did that for any other bitch. No, he's right. Boiling. Here's my one LeBron critique. God, nobody did that for any other bitch. I don't have anything. Love her to death. You already know about this because we talked about it on the upside. When we hit the pilot, we should let himself go bald. I think it'd be cool.

I think it'd look cool. I wish he would just fully do hair plugs. Yeah. It is hard. Just don't stay in the middle. Because the thing is, Brad Pitt, you think that's his hair? Yeah. It is hard. Just don't stay in the middle. Because the thing is, a lot of... Brad Pitt, you think that's his hair? No.

It's not. I don't think those are his abs. I don't think so either. What if LeBron did the spray on hair before every... No, but just let it sweat out during a game. So it's just running down his head. And it's just like mascara. I just think he needs to do a top of his head transplant.

And he has enough money. Because now his barber is like, no, that's all his hair. like no that's all his hair and it's like we don't need your I don't want your barber to be in. I'll give you my shit LeBron. Come get it. My shit overgrows bro. And then he's just in interviews afterwards brushing it. That's what I want to see. Listen man.

Great pick. I love it. I love him. And I hope next time Bronny gets an alley oop I hope LeBron goes on court and I love it. Phenomenal pick. I love him. And I hope next time Bronny gets an alley-oop, I hope LeBron goes on court and dunks him. I hope so, too. That's what I hope. I hope he leads a fucking high school marching band onto the court as a drum major.

I fuck all those people who are like, LeBron can do it. Yeah, LeBron can do it. And you can't, Carl. Sorry. Yeah. Untuck your shirt from those Wranglers. All the great basketball players do terrible stuff.

We can't let them do good stuff. But I think his other kids, he's a wonderful, supportive father. I think he's doing that for every single one of his kids, but LeBron is the one in the public. Yeah. Exactly. Because he's also the oldest, right? Yeah.

Exactly. And he's a good basketball player. I follow over time. I see him all the time. LeBron's a child star who didn't get fucked up. Dog! Yeah. Do you know how hard that is?

He's Corey Feldman if he just became a nice, cool guy. Yeah, exactly. He lived up and exceeded everything. He's like if Corey Feldman became George Clooney. Delonte West fucked his mom. And he just let it go. Yeah, Gloria. He just let it go.

I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Why are you only looking at me? You had sex with me?. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Why are you only looking at me? You had sex with me? I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, but Delonte West had like a guitar case full of swords and shit. Yeah, he was like a Michael B. That's like a Michael Beasley light skin.

Who had sex with Sarah Palin? What? Glenn Rice. Yeah. Glenn Rice had sex with Sarah Palin? Yo, in college. At a basketball tournament. She was like a sports girl. It was like a... Oh, like he mastered it.

She was a sports girl. It was the Alaskan shootout, and that's not the only thing shooting out, if you know what I mean. Oh, I think he shot up the club. Yeah. He may have not been the only one. He was just the only one who made it to the NBA.

Right. You know, I think Palin's got some notches in her belt. You'd be a fool. You'd be a fool. That's exciting to know. Harper, time for your third pick. Kevin Garnett. Oh, KG! You're a dickhead!

He's a dickhead But He's my favorite Timberwolves ever I was a Timberwolves fan My favorite guy ever He was the only good thing that's ever existed about that franchise Like, literally the only good thing What about Kevin Love's knuckle pushups?

Well, those weren't really knuckle push-ups but uh but uh kg crazy loyal crazy person um deeply affected when malik seely died oh yeah from a drunk driver made sure that his number was retired in the rafters and my favorite flip to my favoriteG story is that in his basement, that's where he has all of his dogs, and he used to have the dogs in the basement, and then when he played, he made sure someone had the TV on so they could, quote unquote, watch daddy work.

Aw. I love that about him. That's adorable. And granted, a dickhead, but I think it's due to psychotic. He gets a known dickhead, and we just love stuff about him? I think LeBron, Jake.

We all supported LeBron. We love LeBron's dick. We said he's an amazing father. We love LeBron. Marissa, you see it, right? I don't think so. Also, KG's a trash talker. He does cross a line or two.

He's a trash talker. Well, not even that. The worst one is the Tim Duncan one. Oh, I can imagine. No, I don't know if I know it. He told, he wished Tim Duncan a happy Mother's Day. Tim Duncan's mother was dead. Well, that is...

I picked LeBron James! We loved it! We loved your LeBron pick! But I think it's due to a psychotic competitive streak that he cannot control. That is psychotic. It's due to his problems, of course. That's every issue. He got chased out of South Carolina

as a high school kid. By who? They were trying to arrest him for being a part of a mob. Oh, they were trying to Allen Iverson him? Oh, fuck that shit. Oh, speaking of... Is he gone? I don't know. Maybe.

Kevin Garnett. Love him. My favorite. Big. Kevin Garnett. Great. Love him. My favorite. Big House in Malibu. You can see him walking down the beach every now and then. Megan, time for your third pick. This is my second favorite comedian.

Oh, good call. Charles Barkley. Oh! What a good one. That's fucking what's up. He's so funny. He is so funny. His golf show is so good.

Truly, truly, truly, if he were to run for public office, I would give him money. And I don't think it's the answer, and I think he knows that too. But if he were to run for Senate, I'd be like, yeah, I support you. Barkley for Senate. Barkley for Senate. Senate Alabama. He makes me laugh so hard. Are there some skeletons? Yeah, but even the skeletons I like.

Skeletons aren't that bad, though. They're not in the closet, though. The skeletons are out for everyone to see. He's like open about them. You're like, whatever. You got a beacher in Arizona, so what? When he was in front of a judge after he got arrested for throwing a person out of a window, he said, do you have any regrets about it? He said yeah, that we weren't on the second

floor. Yeah. Because some guy popped off on him at a bar and he's like nope, you're out of here. That's like a funny line. That's great. And he fucking used to eat whole pizzas. Yeah. Oh, that picture of him sitting in that doorway eating the pizza. And he talks so funny. Yeah. Once

he, I saw him kick Boomer, the Pacers mascot. You know, like he was like sitting on a chair reading a newspaper while the Suns got introduced. And then he went over and he kicked the chair. And I loved that. That's amazing. And that's in his, I just, my world is. That dude is Alabama for real.

My world is brighter with him in it. Yes. I got to meet him in Indianapolis once. During the conference finals. So I was meeting a bunch of writers for dinner I think the night before. St. Elmo's? Probably. You are a Naptown writer.

It's just our one – it's like the one restaurant that every sports person has. And so the writers were like standing outside the restaurant. We were waiting to be set. And so I walked up to the group and they're in mid-conversation. Charles Barkley is there. And so I'm just kind of like I they're in mid-conversation. Charles Barkley's there. And so I'm just kind of like, I don't want to interrupt. I don't want to, you know, whatever.

And he stops what he's saying and introduces himself to me. And like starts asking me questions. Like just stopped what he was saying. Wanted to make sure I was included. And he does that to everybody. That's amazing. That's a good person.

There was that story about him and that guy who's like, who was like a Chinese immigrant who he like befriended. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. That was such a, did you see that story? It was fucking beautiful who was like a Chinese immigrant who he befriended. Oh, my God. That was such a... Did you see that story? It was fucking beautiful.

And the guy passed away this year and he went to the funeral. Oh, I did see that. And everyone was like, why is Charles Barkley here? No, I didn't. And the guy's family didn't even know about their relationship. No. His kid was like, oh, yeah, they've been friends for the last 20 years. We don't deserve what a character and what just a presence he is.

Yeah. There's nobody like him. There's no one even close. He's amazing. I mean, Jalen Brown. After this, mine go off the rails, I promise. No, I'm sitting in it now. I'm about to take some weird picks. I'm going to take some weird picks, dude. My next pick is

a one, I'm taking him for one reason and one reason only. I'm taking Jose Calderon because he took his NBA money and opened one of the finest pig farms in the entire world. He did. It's apparently, I haven't had it,

but it's apparently the best you can have. It's supposed to be some of the finest ham you can buy. He looks like the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. And when I saw him, I go, what? Who is this man?

Oh, my God. He does not look like an NBA basketball player. One of the finest hams in the world. So we're talking like prosciutto? Prosciutto, parma ham, like the thin slice. What is parma ham? It's like prosciutto, basically. And this is in France?

Spain? No. No, I think it's South America. Is it here? Oh, it's South America? I think it's South America. I think, I'm pretty sure, but I'm not. We're like, it's Tallahassee.

It's in Tampa. It's T-Pain's house. Yeah, he opened like, he just like, I'm going to take my NBA money, and you know what I really want to do? Is open the best pig farm possible. It's just a fucking, let me figure out. He knows the pigs. They say pigs are really smart too.

Pigs are really cute. It's like super cold blooded to kill them. I know, it's really tough and they're really so cute and so sweet and lovely. And delicious. We got to get them in on that milk business. Ooh. You know? Yeah.

Once we got pigs milk cranking, we won't kill them. It's in Spain. Oh, it is in Spain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he only feeds the pigs walnuts. And that's part of it. That's a lot of walnuts. This man is anti-walnuts.

This is Ian Carmel. Oh, we've had that before? We've had that. But I like pigs and we eat walnuts. Okay. That's why I'm anti-walnuts. You don't like walnuts? Nah.

And he doesn't like pistachios. I hate them. That's dumb. It's too much work. Not even on a- You're just mad at me because of Jalen Brown. You're mad at the world. I'm mad at everybody.

I'm mad at the world. I'm lashing out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm open enough to know what my feelings are and why I'm doing this. So I'm taking Jose Calderon. And in the interest of moving the podcast along with my next pick, I'm going to take Blake Griffin.

Oh, yeah. You're going to take Blake Griffin. We're all comedians here. He's earnestly funny. We shot a sketch. We've shot a couple things with him on the Late Late Show. But one sketch where we went to his house and hung out with him and his brother, Taylor. Man, he hangs out with Taylor.

I met him in Montreal and he had Taylor with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taylor's cool, man. Yeah, I think Taylor is. Taylor has an office. He's older, right. Taylor's like a... Yeah, I think Taylor is... Taylor has an office. Taylor's older, right? Taylor's like two or three years older. He got drafted by the Suns.

Yeah. Blake is just funny, but he had very funny punch-ups for the script we had. No, he's a funny... Like, earnestly was like... I saw him do stand-up and he did it and it was good but it wasn't that great, and he came up backstage and he was mad. He was like, oh man, that great and he came up backstage and he was mad. He was like,

oh man, I fucked it. Then he bombed? That's amazing. He's respectful. Yeah, you think that this is cool. You're not Steve-o. He had that 10 minute set in Montreal that was when it first really got out

that he does comedy and the thing that bothered me and people were like, well, those jokes were probably just written for him and look, you guys would know this way better than I would. But I'm like, he still delivered that shit pretty well. Like, that's not just you go up and read jokes.

No, there's comedians that have people write jokes for them, and they still bomb. So bad. And who writes their own jokes? I don't. I've been writing most of your jokes. Yeah. Wouldn't that be crazy if that's how I dropped that? That's amazing.

I don't write any of my own jokes. The whole time, too? You were like doing open mics in San Francisco? None of us write our jokes. We get them from India. Yeah, man. I got a kid in a sweatshop. You buy packets.

It's like a Kenny Beat style beat on YouTube. A David Bowie style joke. He's seen every episode of SNL ever. Wow. That's fucking crazy. He was saying that. Some of those are not funny. No, but he's seen them.

Just like a fucking, he, and like, he remembered, like, we've only worked together a couple times, and he remembered my name and like details about my life. Yeah. Like the last time I worked with him. We hadn't seen each other in like a year and he's a famous person. He was like, how's your friend David Borey doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, he's thriving. He's thriving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Town house in the valley. Put together an exercise bike. No big deal. Yeah, it's not a big deal.

You get a Blake. He knows bikes. I guess I never thought you'd have to put that together. No, you can't. Doesn't someone come and put it together? No, I put it together.

Oh, no, no, no. It was like 200 bucks to have the guy put it together. That's crazy. That's 200 well spent. No, I'm handy enough to do that. Until the handlebars break off and you knock the piece out. No, it's sound. I don't even have any extra screws or nothing.

Oh, really? Yeah, I'm good at that shit with my hands. Megan, time for your fourth pick. Okay. Percy Miller. Wow. Does that? Master P? You may know him as Master P.

Was he signed to the Hornets? He played for the Hornets and the Raptors. Summer League preseason stuff. I mean, we are talking about a... You gotta respect this pick of all people. We are talking about like a platinum selling recording artist. He founded No Limit Records. I do love it when rappers can hoop for real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he can hoop for real. And he was hooping as Master P. I think he was like Mr. Louisiana in basketball or something like that. That's crazy. No, him and Cameron can hoop too. Oh, yeah. J. Cole.

Cameron won the New York City State Finals. Oh, shit. The New York City Finals. Titty boy, too. Him and Mace. Mace and Cameron were on the same team. Really? I refuse to believe Mace was good. Mace Cahoot, he was on that team.

There's clips of it online. When we were talking about it this morning, CJ and I were talking about who my picks were going to be. And I was like, do you think his shorts were really long when he was playing? They were. I remember a picture of it in the source. I remember when that was playing. They were. I remember a picture of it in the source. For sure.

I remember when that was happening. They were like thick, just like wide, all the way down. Yeah, absolutely. So I grew up in Indiana. Like I was in middle school in the 90s. And Master P was the number one. Then Casey and JoJo next. It was Master P was like every song that was played at every party, every dance.

If you got a limo for your birthday. You got a limo for your birthday? No, I didn't. My friend Cara Duvall did. And we went to Planet Hollywood. What are you saying? I mean, we're talking 1998, central Indiana. You're getting a limo and you're going to Planet Hollywood.

You're going to go see Rutger Hauer's jacket. And you're listening to Planet Hollywood. You're going to go see Rutger Hauer's jacket. And you're listening to Master P. Man, it's crazy how similar and different we were at the same time. He was big in Beaverton, too. I traded a Master P CD for my first OutKast CD. That's a good call. It was a big moment in my life. But yeah, people were fucking

blasting Master P. I do feel like I found a bit of a loophole, but I do. No, it works. I think he is an NBA player, and I think he is a mogul yeah a mogul absolutely but you can't fade him he even like on the whole tip of like rappers owning their record label and then bringing out a stable yeah that's like from the set he started that and everybody thought he was whack he used to because he rapp he rapped in Richmond, California before he rapped in. Oh, really?

Yeah, he owned a record store in Richmond for a while before he went back to New Orleans and kind of hit it going. Yeah. All the Bay Area rappers laughed about, nobody liked him because they said he was bad at rap and he was like,

fuck y'all. I'm just Southern, dude. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. I didn't know that. He signed fucking Snoop Dogg, dude. Zach, time for your fourth pick.

I would like to take you to 1998 till about 2004, where I was very heavily influenced by the and one streetball culture. One Rafer Austin, a.k.a. Skip to my Lou. The greatest streetballer of all time. I don't care what anyone else says. It's Skip to my Lou. Over Pee Wee Kirkland. Over Pee Wee Kirkland.

Over the professor from Gretchen Morrigan. I feel like I only know else says. It's Skip to my Lou. Over Pee Wee Kirkland. Over Pee Wee Kirkland. Over the professor from Gresham, Oregon. I feel like I only know the professor. Over the professor. He's the reason the professor got popular. Oh, for sure. He paved the way. I only shout out the professor because he's from Gresham, which is, if you know Gresham, Oregon,

that's exactly where you think he was from. It's the place where a lot of white guys wearing powder blue tracksuits. Oh, man. White guys in powder blue is a whole scene. Shout out to Aurora, Colorado. Rafer Austin was destroying New York streetball at the age of 14.

He's the reason I will skip on a fast break when I have the ball because I adopted that. I learned so many fucking streetball moves because I watched that and one mixtape a thousand times. I was all about it. It came a thousand times. Like I was, I was all about it. It came out in the summer. I remember you got it.

And you didn't know that was the thing you did. I got it. I got mine at foot action and I didn't know, like I just bought a pair of and ones. I said, here you go. Here's a tape. No shit.

Here's a VHS. Like I didn't know I was getting that. And I was like, and then, and then like two years later, hot sauce was out and main event. Uh, AO like, Oh later, hot sauce was out. And main event. Ayo. My man Escalade.

Escalade. That's Mark Jackson's brother or brother-in-law. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. They were either related or related by marriage. I can't remember which one. I hope it's brother-in-law.

I hope he saw him and was like, I'm going to marry his sister. I'm going to lock you down. I need that guy on the team. Also, Rafer Alston got in a fight with his coach, Sam Mitchell, in a locker room once when they were on the Raptors, and Sam Mitchell hates me, and so I respect Rafer Alston even more for that. Fantastic.

Does he hate you for Wolves-related reasons? I have no idea why he hates me. He's just never been nice to me, and so then I've never been nice to him. Do you think it's Cheesecake Factory waitress? It might be her as well. Must be. This was a few years later, but you never know.

The word gets around. Fuck you, Sam Mitchell. Yeah, fuck Sam Mitchell. No, he once tried to kick me out of his office during an interview. Yeah. And I refused. I said, we have 10 minutes. You've wasted three of them.

What do you want to do? This guy Harper over here. I know when I've got a foot hole. What if he got security? Well, there was... I mean, he's like 6'7". He could kick my ass. So I'm not...

Security. He could just be security. What did he do? Did you do the interview after that? Did he start talking? Yeah. We went into... I was doing a feature on Kevin Garnett at the end of his career.

Yeah. And Sam played with him. He was his veteran. Yeah. And so I asked him all these questions about KG in the first three minutes. He's like, I've already answered this. I've talked about this before. I was like, well, not with me. And so

I still have the audio of it. At three and a half minutes into this ten minute interview, he tells this guy Dan, who's the PR, who's sitting in the room. He goes, Dan, get this motherfucker out of my office. And I said, Sam, we've been here for three and a half minutes and you've wasted three and a half minutes. I Sam, we've been here for three and a half minutes and you've wasted three

and a half minutes. I said, I'm here for another six and a half minutes. We can either do the interview that you agreed to do or we can keep doing this. It's up to you. He gave me nothing for the next three minutes, just same shit. Wow. And in the final three minutes, he gave me everything I needed. Wow.

So he finally like opened it. But I'm just like, and then at the end, I just want to be like, why? Why did we do this? Why? He was having a bad day. He's always having a bad day. No, he's been rude to me a dozen times for no reason. So, yeah.

So, Rafe Ralston. Enemy of the podcast, Sam Mitchell. Yeah. Dave, time for your fourth and fifth picks. I'm excited. Picking Sean Kemp. I don't remember. Yes!

I love Sean Kemp! Everybody loves Sean Kemp. He had a bunch of sex. He went to the NBA after high school. The fucking rain man. I went to, my stepdad used to live on Queen Anne, so I would go, I would watch them get out for the shoot around, like get out and go to the key arena. And he just like, saw him in a khaki suit one time.

Yeah. Oh my God. He got fat. He got fat as fuck. He was a fat coke head. That's what I do. I love it, man. Him as fuck. He was a fat cokehead. He was a fat dude. I love it, man. Him and who's the guy on the Howard Stern show?

Those are the only ones already lying. Oh, yeah. He was a fat cokehead. Dog, he's just like, also, I see him. Sometimes you just see some guy and you're like, I see you, man. Yeah. Like, I just like, my heart and his pump at the same speed. He was a shit talker.

He was great. He was a shit talker. He was great. He's the rain man. I went to a King Sonics game in Seattle in like 2005 or 2006, and it was 90s night. And so they brought Sean Kemp back for 90s night. Yeah. What was he wearing?

I don't – well, I had really shitty tics. I was way up. But he went out on the court, and all these kids went on, like probably a dozen kids. And I couldn't help but think, those are his kids. Those are his children. It had to be his kids, yeah I couldn't help but think, those are his kids. He was fucking... Back in the 90s when you weren't afraid to fuck raw. Yeah, well... Yeah, that...

That was... Even as it left my mouth. That's a lot. You were thinking about the khaki suit. Yeah, I was thinking about the khaki suit. Jalen Brown still got me shook, to be honest. I'm a shell of the man. Especially when people listen to this episode in 10 years,

it'll be an especially good pick because by then you will have like. He'll have solved the water crisis. Right, exactly. Yeah, fuck yeah, Sean Kemp, dude. I hated Seattle growing up. You had to. Portland, Seattle. Even with him, I was like, all right.

Yeah, him and GP, man. I fucking love those guys. I was the same way when LeBron went to the Lakers. I was like, because I hate, hate the Lakers. But when LeBron went,

I just had to be like, all right, okay. I hate Reggie Miller. I know, but a lot of people, people tell me this all the time and then they're like, yeah, but as I got older, I appreciated him.

And it wasn't even like winning time. I think before that, it just was like, oh, no, he was really hilarious and lost. It's hard to hate someone that should have won and lost. Yeah. And loyal to the soil. Stayed with the paces. So loyal. And I think is a great commentator. And I do love a rich person that doesn't fix their lost. Yeah. And loyal to the soil. Stayed with the paces of the world. So loyal and I think

is a great commentator. And I do love a rich person that doesn't fix their teeth. Yeah. That is such a fucking power move. David, your final pick?

Oh, my final pick. I want to say Charles Oakley. Oh. All right. Yeah. That's it. I'm closing it out.

Say goodnight to the bad guy. Somewhere he's drinking Hennessy out of a plastic cup right now. He opened palm slaps Charles Barkley. I mean, that's crazy. And the quote is something along the lines of, what was that shit you were talking? Slap. Open-handed. In front of people, dog?

Man. You're going to live forever. Bury this man a king. Anyone who's ever been asked about Charles Oakley, any NBA players play with them, they're like, why is everyone afraid of Charles Oakley? And the answer is always, Oak doesn't give a fuck. Yo, he doesn't give a fuck, bro.

He's so scary. He's just Michael Jordan. He yoked a dude up two years ago. He's Michael Jordan's bodyguard at this point. And Michael Jordan's insane. Yeah, Jordan's insane. You know how crazy you have to be to protect an insane man? Double insane.

I was at the Big 3 in LA when he, like, Oak is like 55 years old, and he came back as a player coach, and someone fouled him, and he slapped him. I think it was like Al Harrington or something. He slapped him on the court. And people were like, yo, Oak, Oak, we're not doing this. Charles Oakley is out here open hand slapping dudes.

You know how crazy that behavior is? That's more disrespectful. Have you guys ever seen somebody get open hand slapped? Man to man? It's fucked up. It's hurtful. I slapped a dude when I was 19 once. It's still one of the bigger rushes I've ever had. Ditto.

And he had a box cutter in his hand. Whoa! You brought a slap to a knife fight. Yeah, straight up. Young David, real rowdy. Anyways, man, yeah, Oakley, just a great bad guy, man. He did an interview with Bill Simmons

on his podcast that's very worth listening to. I will check that out tonight. He goes into some of the stories. That's a great pick. You're so—he's 55. He's slapping, dude. Like, that—I truthfully think—let's say give him another 50—let's give him another 15 years. 20 years to live.

Let's say Oakley's got 20 more years on him. Yeah, maybe. The day he dies, I think he could still whoop my ass. Absolutely. There's going to be a lot of people who will be like, whew. He'll stop. Okay.

Finally. R.I.P., but like, okay. Kind of hit up Michael Jordan about that 20 grand he owes from that do-ray game. Zach, your final pick? Megan has inspired me with this pick I not only get white man can't jump

I not only get above the rim I get in again Sunday because I'm taking Dwayne Martin the actor who had a non-guaranteed contract in 1989

with the New York Knicks did he? yes he can actually hoop I mean I figured because he was in every black basketball movie in the 90s. Have you ever watched Real House Husbands of Hollywood? No. There's like a funny scene where J.B. Smooth is talking to him.

He's like, shut up, Shake. It's not basketball in the movie. You're not in the movie. Dwayne Martin, plays he plays Kyle Watson in Above the Rim which is basically just like oh we want to make

an Allen Iverson movie that's what it ends up being he is Willie of Flight and Willie who are the antagonists to Sidney Dean and Billy Hoyle

in White Men Can't Jump he's Steamin' Willie Beeman's agent in Any Given Sunday oh shit he is yeah I love Dwayne Martin movies he's Tisha Campbell's husband

yeah he's doing all right. He played basketball at NYU, which was a thing I didn't even know you could do. I didn't know they had a team. They have a basketball team? I don't know if they still do that. But he fucking did it. Tish has taken that over.

Right, exactly. He still would have gotten the movies. Yeah, Dwayne Martin, man. Dwayne Martin. Damn, that was a good. You guys both squirreling in. I like it. That was all Megan inspired right there.

Thank you so much. Speaking of Megan inspired, Megan, it's time for your final pick. This one is tough. I have like a lot of honorable mentions. Yes, I am. Oh, yes, too. Oladipo, I'm sorry. Beautiful voice.

This, I don't, like, I don't even, I hated this guy as a player, but when I think Hollywood and NBA this is who I think Rick Fox married to Vanessa Williams beautiful was in Oz

like have you seen him old he looks like a lemony snicky look I saw him I saw him three years ago at a casino in the Bahamas

with the long hair and I was I gasped he was beautiful he was so handsome he's like one of the biggest like company owners

in gaming yeah like he owns really I think he's having some issues well there might be some issues with that

I thought you were going to say biggest dicks again and I almost threw my phone at the window well I bet it is from what I've heard

from what I've heard he I can't handle you. From what I've heard, he does well. He's just so good looking, and he only could have been on the Lakers in his prime. Yeah, for real. There wasn't another place for him to be, but that's why I hated him. Yeah, I hated him too.

Because he just seemed like the most worthless of them. I also hated him because he modeled for Skechers. But he's so hot. He married Miss America and he does act and just has a presence that is sexy like no other player,

I think. That's fair. He's in the movie He Got Game. Yeah. Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah, he's the guy trying to recruit

Ray Allen to tech. It's a big state. Yeah, tech you. He gives Ray Allen those two white ladies. He does. He gives. He's the guy trying to recruit Ray Allen to tech. Tech, yeah. Tech you. He gives Ray Allen those two white ladies. He does. Gifts. Arrangements. We're fine to be given.

I would love to be given to Ray Allen. Yeah. Although, I don't know if Ray Allen's hitting it right. It's so in his head all the time. Or it's meticulous. It's one or the other. You've seen the deleted tweet, right? Oh, yeah.

This was weird. This was real weird. I appreciate you wanting better for me, but I fucked way worse than Ray Allen. Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. And a lot more in their head and a lot less going on. I just want Rick Fox for you, but whatever, whatever, you know. So, so handsome. Yeah, that's a good thing.

He's beautiful, he's a beautiful man. And gray hair. We were talking about gray chest hair. Oh, my God. I bet he has salt and pepper places that you're not supposed to, but's a good pick. He's a beautiful man. And gray hair. We were talking about gray chest hair. Oh, my gosh. I bet he has salt and pepper places that you're not supposed to, but it looks good. That guy's going gray like a Don. He's like, that's how we should all go gray. Yeah.

Would you like some cracked pepper on that, Don? Ooh. Beautiful. That's roughly the size. It's the size of a pepper. Time for my final pick. And there was one pick I was going to make that would be corny, and I'll just throw them in the honorable mentions.

I'm not going to take Damian Lillard. Oh, really? Shout out to his new album. Shout out to his first album, too. I love Damian Lillard. He's fucking awesome. But I like him more for on-the-court stuff than off-the-court stuff. So I'm going to take Miami Heat great Ronnie Cycli.

Yes! DJ Ronnie Cycli! DJ Ronnie Cycli. He was like a Cycli! DJ Ronnie Cycli. He was like a center for the Heat like in the 90s. And then has since become like this huge like party DJ. He kind of looks like Razor Ramon. Yeah, he looks like Razor Ramon. And he played for the fucking Heat like looking like Razor Ramon wearing like gold chains and shit.

And now he's like in Ibiza all the time just playing dance parties and shit like that. That's a great call. I became like a highly sought after dance party DJ. It's a very fun life. Yeah, he's like in Ibiza all the time just playing dance parties and shit like that. That's a great call. I became like a highly sought after dance party DJ. It's a very fun life. Yeah, it's a fucking great life. Yeah, he's had a good life. Yeah. He was just in the NBA for a while.

His name's Roney, which is weird. Yeah, so Roney Cycling. That's my final pick. That's a great call. So that, the final pick of the draft. So to recap, David, you went first. Let's skip me. And you took Tyrone Muggsybugs.

Yeah, I did. I fucking did. And with your second pick. And then say who I took second. Jalen Brown. Yeah. Who we all liked. Love it.

Great pick. I feel good. And you took LeBron James. Yeah. Sean Kemp. Yeah. Charles Oakley. You had a great draft.

It's a point guard and four power forwards. I did have a great fucking draft. Yeah. You had a great draft. I know. point guard and four power forwards. I did have a great fucking draft. Yeah. You had a great draft. I know. You're really angry. I know. I'm confused.

That's what happens when I get confused. Zach, you went second. You took Sheed, Larry Bird, Kevin Garnett, Skip to Malou, and then Dwayne Martin. Yeah. Megan, you went third. You took Shaq, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Master P, and Rick Fox. Megan's got the most fun team.

I want to go get beers. Yeah, absolutely. I went last. I took Greg Popovich, J.R. Smith, Pig Farmer Jose Calderon, Blake Griffin, and Roni Cycli. We left some amazing people on the board. Yeah, man. I had Kenyon Martin on my list. Boris Dio.

John Sally owns a weed farm. Cliff Robinson. Uncle Cliffy. Jason Williams was very influential for me as a white basketball player. I had Chauncey because I'm from Colorado. Chauncey's a great dude. And he owns

30 Wendy's. Oh, wait. Hit that list of... Yeah, And he owns 30 Wendy's. Oh, wait. Hit that list of... Yeah, so he has 30 Wendy's. I really love this. I don't even know if you guys will know this story. Jonathan Bender invented some sort of apparatus that heals people and holds a patent to it and has truly been more successful outside of basketball than in basketball. Really? Oh, good for him because his knees

were... He made, like, the first year that the company was in existence, he made back the investment immediately. Wow. He just was like, oh yeah, my body fell apart, so I made this thing for other people. So it's beautiful in a way that he found success

that I love. And it's in helping people in something that he found success that I love. And it's in helping people in something that he needed. Yeah. So I think that's pretty. Run our test. Yeah. Take a year off to promote your rap album. A year.

Did you guys watch the Showtime documentary on him? No. It's really good. It's really good. It came out this year. What's it called? It's like Showtime documentaries have bad names. It's like Metta World Peace, A Journey, or some shit like that.

Yeah, but you watch it. It's like, because you forget that dude is from. Oh, yeah. He saw somebody get stabbed to death with a table leg. I'm going to watch that. At a game. Yeah, it's really good. Didn't he try to get a Best Buy job so he could get the employee?

Circuit City. Circuit City. Yeah. Metta World Peace. There's a lockout, yeah. Nikola Pekovic is an all time favorite of mine I covered him

he has genocide tattoos he has a bear tattoo on his forearm because he said everyone's afraid of a bear he is a bear when asked what

his favorite food is he said meat and he looks like Non the bad guy from Superman 2 and he's actually like one of the

nicest people I've ever met you look a little bit like Peck I'll take it yeah I'll take it that's why I grew the beard

Evan Turner's fucking awesome such a good dude so funny Robin Lopez I'm just naming blazers Chris Bosh shout out to Chris Bosh

Bosh is cool quite the polymath computer programmer doesn't he love to cook who knows what loves to cook great dude Shout out to Chris Bosh. Bosh is cool. Quite the polymath computer programmer. Doesn't he love to cook? Who knows what loves to cook. Great dude. Shout out to Myers Leonard. That's just a personal thing.

There you go. We love you, Myers. Have fun in Miami. Pau Gasol. Pau Gasol's a great guy. I mentioned him. Walt Clyde Frazier. Yeah.

Fucking to this day in those suits. Jerry West. Sure. Yeah, Jerry West. I know it's basketball, but it's off the court. Off the court. It's crazy. I mean, look at the Cl basketball, but it's off the court. Off the court. It's crazy. I mean, look at the Clippers now.

He's the greatest GM of any sport of all time. This was not someone I was going to take, but apparently Caron Butler, I was like while I was researching this draft, can tell the difference between straws from different fast food restaurants based on how they taste. He's a straw fetish. I don't know if that's a skill, though. He would chew straw fetish. I don't know if that's a skill, though. He would chew straws constantly.

Also, one of the greatest viral videos the last two years was he went on TV but had the hair transplant thing. Yes, and his kids reacting. And his kids had not seen him with it. And so they saw him on TV with hair, and he's been bald for 20 years, and they freaked out. That's amazing. You've got to look it up if you haven't seen it.

Karima Abdul-Jabbar. Oh, yeah. Staff writer on Veronica Mars. He's a bald for 20 years and they freaked out. That's amazing. You got to look it up if you haven't seen it. Shout out to Top Juice. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Oh, yeah. Staff writer on Veronica Mars. He's a fellow Guild member. Shout out to Kareem. I call him Lou Alcindor. Lou Alcindor.

Yeah. Will Chamberlain. Yeah. You know, he had a crazy life. In kung fu movies. He was swinging that thing sweet. Fucking people. Yeah, absolutely.

10,000 women he played. Oh, my God. What was it, 1,000? No, it was like 20,000. It was 10,000, I think. It was Yeah, absolutely. 10,000 women. Oh, my God. What was it, 1,000? No, it was like 20,000. It was 10,000, I think. It was 10,000. So that wraps up the draft. Send us yours.

We want to hear your picks. Hit us up, All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com with your emails. Shout out to super producer Marissa. We are the ones and twos. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to all of our Patreon subscribers

holding us down we love you thank you guys so much shout out to Sean Jordan shout out right now especially to St. Kelly Jordan in Sioux Falls

get well soon we love you you don't listen to it but we love you we're putting the energy out there shout out to St. Sioux what's up mama

shout out to fucking Frankie Ocean shout out to Sid the Dude shout out to fucking Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Puffins. Shout out to fucking... Cereal or the Bird? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Bird more than the Cereal. I'd like to shout out Bill and Chris Harper. Oh, yeah! Shout out to the Harpers. Up there in Oregon. Your parents rule, man. They're pretty great. Sometimes your mom DMs me, I'm with that too, man. Up there in Oregon. Enjoying our beautiful state. Your parents rule, man. They're pretty great. Sometimes your mom DMs me, but I think it's your dad.

It might be. I don't know that they know how to use their accounts. Shout out to the Harbors. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Chicago City! new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shikakiri!