All Fantasy Everything - Old-Fashioned Ways To Die (w/ Amy Silverberg)

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

This is what can only be described as an astonishingly educational episode.Guest:Amy Silverberg (@amysilverberg)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. What's cracking? Before we get started, this is Sean. I have a holiday show at Healing Comedy Club, Portland, Oregon, December 22nd. It's going to be fantastic. A variety show. Going to do some games. Going to have a dope sweater on. Going to Christmas theme the whole place. Maybe a little movie trivia. I'm going to have some of my good friends on. Some great comedians, some secret, very established comedians. So come on out. December 22nd. Healing Comedy Club, Portland, Oregon. Thank you. Welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we're drafting old-fashioned ways to die.

Our guest today is the wonderful stand-up comedian and author and problem gambler, Amy Silverberg. I'm your host, Ian Carmel with me as always are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Bore. Let's get into death, man. Here we are. I'm very excited about this topic. I like that we're all in hats. We're all hat. I would tell Ian, he's been doing a thing where he knocks the hat off my head.

I've done it every episode except for the last one. I skipped because Doug Benson was here. And you wanted to be professional? Sean has a long-standing relationship with Doug Benson and I thought it would be uncouth for me. Disrespectful to knock his hat off in front of a... Didn't want me to look a fool, huh? I didn't want you to look a fool.

What if I flip the switch, dude? I think it's cool. Is that what you call it? It's not good. It's what they call it and over the top. It's not a good backwards happen. No, these little guys aren't their forward hands. Oh, the arm wrestling movie?

Mm-hmm. Are you from... I've seen you wear a Yankees hat quite a bad. I wear a Dodgers cap. I wear a Cubs cap. I'm going to be honest. I'm wearing the cap for the shape of it on my head.

You fly no flat. Yes. Even flight is the same. Men are always coming up to me to talk about the team. And I'm always like, especially Chicago with those thick accents. I'm like,

you can be saying anything. I don't know and I don't care. Does it happen to me on planes a lot? Yes, planes. Well, I got a Cubs cap in Chicago and all in the airport, men were like, and that was you think about the... Sorry that that's why I should...

That's what we sound like. That's what we're... That's what about the dinner. And I was like, yeah, I mean, Yeah. That was tough. That was tough. I'm looking up.

What do you think about Danesby Swanson there? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But now that I'm wearing a Cubs cap, when I see someone in a Cubs cap, I'll be like, go Cubs. And when I see someone in a Yankees cap, I'm like, go Yankees.

Stolen fan valor is some of the best stolen valor. It's funny. Yeah. And I think I can find something nice to say about every team. Sure. Sure. Color schemes.

You've picked three very aesthetically pleasing hats as well. Of course. I like the open days, too. You're not a house. I'm going to run like a Tampa Bay Rays hat. No. The A's are my favorite colors growing up. The green and yellow?

Yes. Yes. So I see. Where are you from originally? I'm from Orange County, the Center of Culture. I guess the Anaheim Angels. Yeah, I guess the Angels. You and Blair.

I know two people from Orange County. Yes, Blair Socky, good friend of mine, friend of the pod, I know. Friend of the pod. Yeah. If we didn't know each other, we went to different high schools, but I'm teaching at Chapman, actually, once a week this semester. Oh, C. And at LMU.

and I keep trying to get Blair to just sit in my class and be the TA. I'm like, you come, you come and sit there, you won't say anything. Make the kids kind of nervous. You might even learn a thing or two. Yeah, I mean, who knows? Are Chapman, is there a lot of people from the OC who go to Chapman? Or is that kind of like a destination school? No, I mean, I hope this doesn't, I love Chapman.

I'm so happy to be employed for this semester. I think it's, I think LMU Chapman and USC, they're all applying to those. three schools. I want to kind of be in film a lot, I think. That's a good film school. I was going to say maybe people who didn't get into USC, but I don't even think that's true because Chapman's got a different vibe. And, you know, I've taught at USC prior.

And I, you name a school and I've taught there. Glendale Community College, loved it. Santa Monica City College, loved it. That was the one I was going to name was Glendale. The only place I haven't taught is UCLA. It's Glendale Ivy, Glendale Community College. Yes, there you go. I'll teach anywhere.

I'll teach in a back alley if someone's got the money to pay me to talk about a poker game. That's where I'm in some of my harshest lessons. Black Valley University, B.A.U? Or at Glendale Community College. Yeah. Yes, yes. Do you know John Wayne is from Glendale?

I did know that. Yeah. And he went to that high school that's there right on for Dugo. Well, I didn't know that. Steve Martin's from Orange County from like Garden Grove or something. Oh, that's why that's a blime song. Whoa. That's the only thing I know about Garden Grove is a sublime song.

I'm like Blue Dog inside the van. Garden Grove. Very Korean. Korean neighborhood. Every time I come back from Orange after I've taught at Chapman, I always want to stop at the little Koreatown there. Oh, it's amazing. And I haven't yet.

Such good food. And cheaper than Los Angeles, Koreatown. And I love Los Angeles. I wrote my whole novel in the Korean spa. I was like sitting over the jacuzzi with notes. We spa? Yes, and they're like dampening from my sweat. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I was being, and people are staring at me. I'm writing down things, you know, in the sauna. How do the Korean people feel about Sublime? I don't know. Everybody loves Sublime. He's a representative of it. I have to represent every Korean person ever. I'm assuming they're not big fans of Sublime.

That's a bummer, dude. That's a big bummer. We're a melodramatic people, I think. We like sad and, like, really up. Bradley Noel said he could play with a guitar like a motherfucking riot. That's dramatic. They got some sad songs. Santeria is sad? I don't know.

I don't know Sublime very well. I'm going to be honest. And I thought you were from California. From Manhattan Beach. You don't know Sublime that way? A lot of my friends knew Sublime very well. And I got in trouble one time because some kid brought a My Chemical Romance CD to school and was like trying to give it to me. And my mom was like, no, that's the, that's the devil's music.

He got in trouble because a kid tried to give you a CD. And all I did was like say no. And then I asked my mom, do you know who this band is? And she was like, that's the devil's music. Well, he was trying to welcome you to the black parade. So she was right. Yeah. Yeah.

We got to listen to some slime later, dude. All right. Yeah. I had a lot of crushes on boys growing up who loved. Sublime Blank 182 Weezer I loved a skateboarder I loved a surfer

What part of Orange County are you from? I'm from like Mission Viejo Laguna Nigel Oh like south Yeah Yeah and I had such crushes on boys with that kind of hair That's like straw

Because they've been in the chlorine Oh yeah Why the fucking girls have crushes on skateboarders When I was in high school It just wasn't there yet It wasn't there yet That's all I did was skateboard and nobody gave a shit yet

I was only I'm only several years younger than you. And, like, people at my school definitely had crushes on skateboards. I feel like a switch flip. Sean's learning something right now. He's like, wait. Wait, if I was the one. Every skateboarder but me?

They didn't like me. Was it the acne? That's what was happening. I get it. Again, you were hooking up. You were doing. This is kind of. David and I were varsity football players and you had, you hooked up so much more than

both of us. When did you lose your virginity? Kind of pisses me. Get ready for this. Yeah. You buckle in. You just tapped into some. Fucking lore.

I was 13. You were 13. It's disgusting. And I feel that's too young. It's, of course. So do I, by the way. I also feel that that's too young. He was still taking back.

Was it with an older woman or an older woman, an older girl? So I used to have a bit about it. Part of the joke was like, no age makes it okay. Yeah. She was also 13, which is a bummer. But, you know, how is she doing? I do not know. Also 13 is the best possible age for her to be.

You know, I used to have. I don't have a joke about this, but I gave my first hand job at 13, which I also think is young. But I stayed giving hand jobs until I turned 18. It was like the only thing I felt comfortable. I feel like 13 is when you're... So I was like, this is what I want to do. I am locking into hand jobs. You found a speed.

I found a speed. And then when I turned 18, I was like, I'm ready to move a step up. But that guy that I gave that first hand job to is a rabbi now. Really? Wow. At a bar mitzvah, I gave that hand job. I thought you were going to say he's dead. Oh, Drew.

You gave it to him. at a bar mitzvah? That's why he's all excited. Yeah, that would make a correlation doesn't go away. That's the hand of God. 100%. He became a man that day. When he looks at the, you know, they read the Torah with a goal, with a finger that's on the end of a stick. And when he looks at that finger, like, walking across the Torah. It's interesting, too, to give a hand job at 13, like, I could have either gone the route of, like, you know, very sexed up.

And then instead I went the route of, like, only uptight, only can give a hand job. Yeah. Not even guessing, just laying there next to them. We're like the Michael Kid Gilchrist of sex where his rookie year, he averaged almost a triple double and then never really got better than that. Right. Yeah, I was like, no, handtops are, this is what I can do. No, I don't know.

I don't know. When you're 13, it is. Okay, that's, yeah. It's a fucking, it's everything. You're doing all right. I say it was like 22, 6 and 6. It wasn't like a triple. That's almost a triple.

Almost. I can't weigh in on this. Rounding up. Sean Jordan is here. Sean Cougar Mel and Jordan on Instagram This comes out All Hallows Eve Eve Happy Halloween everyone

Come trick or treating Yeah I got nothing I'll be in Cincinnati At Commonwealth December 4th I want to say But I don't think I have anything in November So you know It's crazy

You're wearing your dumb fuck costume Already I'm wearing my jersey I got this at the Oasis show It was mental Was it mental bro It was mental bro Scenes my

Scenes Mad for it That was fucking mad for it broke Can I recommend the casino in Cincinnati Sorry to do this I'm rock Casino in Cincinnati

I had fun A few poker tables there Nice action nice guys Okay Have casinos always just been everywhere Or is this like a more Unfortunately everywhere that I go to do stand-up I find a casino

In Austin I lost a bunch of money to these guys And then they came to my show And I was like I guess we're all even now That's pretty good Yeah that's interesting Did they come to the show Like after you lost the money You're like we at least buy some tickets to the show

They were like we want to come see you And I was like I'm not you know That's awesome I'm not gonna say no I bet they were good audience members They were like polite You know they were polite when they were taking my money At poker

I'm better now Why wouldn't they be polite? Yeah yeah exactly Did you ever You haven't talked about the Oasis Concert on air yet It's amazing You have a great time

It was amazing Yeah this is now months since But yeah it was whatever A few weeks ago Right now But this is coming out later But yeah It was like such a good dose of humanity

positivity everybody bonding together it was amazing it was moving like and I don't I hesitate like the ICP show I went to amazing didn't move me Oh yeah it was the first show I ever went to Up until I saw Oasis It was the best show I'd ever seen in life Best live show

You can say what you want about the music It's a good live show That is a big too Oasis and ICP dude Family Yeah Oasis was amazing It was awesome You know I'm a Howard Stern fan

and I only know about ICP through them coming on probably. They're good guys. They are. I have no, this is like talking about Michael Hinkill, but for me.

I've made fun of ICP so much on here, but now, you know, I've found. Nice dudes. Yeah, the wacky circus guy. Yeah, Oasis was amazing. Oasis was great. You were there with a very moist Shane Torres. We wept, we embraced,

we almost kissed, I swear. Yeah. It was dope. He got himself a track jacket, Shane did. Did he? like an icy. Sounds right. An Oasis track jacket?

It says Oasis on it. That's pretty cool. That's pretty sick. Yeah. You said Cincinnati? Cincinnati is December 4th. I think that's it. David Borders here.

Cool guy Joe's 37 on Instagram. No dates. No dates. No dates. Watch your special. Watch my special on 800-pound gorilla. Birth of a Nation with a G. I love that name.

Amy Silverberg is here. Her debut novel, first time, long time. available now. Yes. Yes. Available everywhere at the airports even. That's awesome.

That's awesome. That's really cool. I've never had such a love for Hudson booksellers. Which airports have you seen it in? Anywhere with a Hudson booksellers. Okay, great. So most airports.

Yeah, they're pretty much everywhere, right? The Hudson Booksellers? Yeah, the Hudson Booksellers. We love Hudson Booksellers. That's what I think of when I think of travel is Hudson Bookseller. Hudson Bookseller. I saw David Allen Greer at a Hudson Bookseller. Okay.

Did you see David Allen Greer at a Hudson Booksellers? the airport, he was looking at a travel pillar and like, the look on debating it? I laughed. I felt bad. I was like, are you guys good flyers? Yeah. Do you sleep on a plane? I'm terrified to travel. I'm terrified to fly. Love traveling. Love airports.

You have a little bit of a phobia? Huge phobia. Do you take medicine to kind of knock yourself out? Sometimes. Yeah. So you just go white knuckling, hoping for the best? You wouldn't know it outwardly. I'm not like, I'm not going to

more of a white claw situation. White claw? He's getting kicked off of planes and he calls it a phobia. He's so hammered. You know they'll cut you off

on a plane? You're calling flight attendant sweetie. Terrified again. A little pinch on the tuckus. Smoking a cigarette backwards on an airplane. He's like,

I have a phobia. I have to call the flight attendants doll. I'm so scared, sweetheart. Get over here. Sit on daddy's lap while we land. Daddy needs company while we go to

L.A. How are you as a flyer? I'm just a bad sleeper I'm like a good flyer but I'm so impressed with people who like take red eyes and sleep I can't sleep in a bed I just have insomnia

The red eye's tough too Yeah I see some people They just knock right out And I'm like I still tell myself Like all right a red eye I'll sleep I still play that game And there's just no

And then I get where I'm going I'm so tired No and even if I were to take like a Tylenol PM or something Which I've taken so many Talon al PMs over the years I do believe I have dementia But

I can't remember Like my mom's name I used to take them every day Oh my God, I have sleep issues I have insomnia issues But then I take the tunnel PM, it doesn't put me to sleep And instead I'm just like a zombie It makes me feel loopy

So now I just read books and hope for the best Yeah I can sleep on a staircase Oh, you're so lucky I've seen you fall asleep On a staircase probably During this podcast You fall in this podcast

I will sleep during this podcast I'm between picks I flew to New York red eye But it was on one of those lay flat seats Because it was for a Writers Guild gig That might be doing We're talking. I might be able to catch some Z's on that.

It's so nice because you're in like a little cocoon. It's very cozy. Yeah. Even the bumps probably wouldn't terrify me if I had room. I think a lot of it is I need room. Like if it's a bumpy flight and I have the whole road to myself, that's a lot easier to do. You need room like for your elbows or for your restless leg? No, just for like, I don't know what it is.

I don't spread out even on the, but I just, if I have a little room. I think you have a lot of anxiety. I think I do. And I think, you know, I do too. It's not, well, like, it's not a bad thing even if I didn't. But, like, and I think that's such an anxious environment that it exacerbates it in a lot of ways. It makes, I think it's a rising tide of anxiety. And you know, it's not an old-fashioned way to die airplane.

No. They didn't have those. Very modern. They're modern. Started in Kittie Hawk, North Carolina. The year was 1913. 1895. The year was 1895.

Is that true? That's pretty old-fashioned. I was going to say, what are you guys, historians? We talked about Kitty Hawk with Dana? Yeah, we talked about one airplane. Yeah, you remember your wife? Because remember, Dana Schwartz? Yeah, because remember I said like 18-something and she scoffed at me.

Oh, that was where the scoff was. And she scoffed at me. She scoffed? Oh, yeah. Was that in here? My wife scoffed? My wife scoffed. You were sitting there.

David said that and she went like this. She goes, it was so. And then you looked it up and it was 1895. But did you say, what 19 did you say? 50-something. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1980. 19.

I think I said like, I remember because I said before the Titanic. It'll come out in like a week. Must have been like 1905 or something like that. We'll hear it in like a week. You don't remember that at all? I don't, weirdly. Now it does sound vaguely familiar. It was 1899.

Oh. Year of our Lord. Take that Schwartz. Schultz Carmel. Is she Schwartz Carmel? Is she Schwartz, dude? Now, come on. What are we going to hyphenate some?

You're going to throw Carmel on the back of that gravy tray? Weight her down. I was not the first time I've heard that sentence. You're going to throw Carmel on the back of that gravy tray. That's how I got here today. You're just saying that at the restaurant. Yeah, Waterville's gravy train. Just walk up to someone's table.

Throw a little caramel on the end of this gravy train? Yeah, if I go to Fogar to Chow and they haven't finished their plates. Oh, it's fun time. If you befriended one person of Fogo to Chow, I bet you could eat for free for the rest of your life. Oh, like a worker? Yeah. Or what are they called? Don't you have to call them

Gauchos? Gouchos. How dare you disrespect them by calling them workers? They're gauchos. Jerk. You're proud of yourself. My alma mater's mascot, UC Santa Barbara. Goucho.

U.S.B. You can study buzzed. University of casual sex and beer. Ours was USDA, the University of Sex and Drugs. U.S. University of South Dakota, but you know. Oh, I went to Rice. I didn't go to Rice.

I went to Portland State. You went to Portland State. Don't you have my hat off my head? I wasn't going to. They'll look like, what's your arm doing? A chicken winged up. Looking cool? Just putting it casual?

It's kind of putting a lean into it. Leaning into the conversation? Tiger mom. You know tiger mom? Oh, man. You're going to break my nose one of these times. Yeah. Maybe.

How's the salad, though? Looks good. Well, no. I'd wear a hat. No, I'm just being honest. It's a little, you know what? It looks a little straw. Can I see everyone.

My hair, do you mind? My hair's a bad in a bad check today, too. No, but you all have good hairlines. My wife gets bum, thank you. She gets bummed when I throw the hat on. Because you have such a good hair line. It's like, let's take a look at it. How old are you?

You're a couple of years during that? 38. 38? Okay. You guys all have all big, nice, luxurious heads of hair. I'm on monoxidil. I've said this before. It was thinning.

What is that? It's like a hymns. It's like a hair pill. A hymns. When you say hymns, I know exactly. And you're still younger than me, right? I'm younger than you. Considerably.

And you think that has helped. Does Hymns sponsor you guys? It did. We didn't get enough boners. Did they sponsor it? They did for a long time. Oh, nice. Well, they'll be back.

Yeah, I mean, now that you're talking about the hair products. Yeah, those are good heads of hair. You know what the hymns for women? It's called hers. Of course it is on the one hand, but on the other, it's like, come on. Now, hymns for women would be such a better. It should be hymns for women. What kind of shampoo do you use?

Hems for women. Hems for women. I always thought it was funny that Tennessee, like their men's sports teams are called the volunteers and their lady sports teams are called the lady volunteers. Volunteer is not a gender dependent. No, they didn't have to do that.

They didn't have to do that. Did your high school? My high school did that too, though. They were the lady cards. Really? We were the hawks, the lady hawks. Sometimes you could just be a hawk. Sometimes you were a lady hawk.

Depended on if you were sexy that day. So I were stripping your lady hawk. We were wildcats across the board. Yeah, we were Patriots across the board. Patriots. Where did you grow up? Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Okay.

Lincoln Patriots. I just did stand up in North Dakota, actually, this last winter. Fargo. And it was so much fun, but it was the drunkest audiences I've ever. It was like being on a pirate ship. Women were like tumbling out of their chairs. They were so drunk. It was the coldest I've ever been.

It's like in February. Yeah, it'll get like negative 20. I've never been that cold. Like I could barely go outside. It was like taking the wind knocking the head out of me. You get a tummy ache when you go outside. It makes you sick. Yeah.

And then, you know, you can't go outside. You're going to drink. You're going to get drug. Sure, yeah. What happened? Like Appleton, Wisconsin. Women were screaming and rolling across the floor. It was so crazy.

And then I was screaming back because I was like, I don't know. It's infectious. You're like, I have to be here for an hour. I guess I'll just engage in this. I guess I got scream and roll. Your book is at now. My book is out. You can buy it places other than Hudson bookstores.

Sure. Any bookstore? Are you in Walden books? I haven't been to Walden books. You ever seen in Walden before? Where is that? They used to be in malls. Yeah, I remember Walton.

B. Dalton. Yeah, we had a Walden back in the day. Never went in there. No, not a dork. You couldn't buy skateboard books on that. Sean thinks that readers are losers. He hasn't told me yet. He does.

Yeah. No, I think. Well, no. I just, I want to read. I just don't read. It sucks. It's all right. I want to.

I try. I have so many unread books just sitting there. I just had deeply sighed. I didn't know how to respond, you know. My students say that too, that they, I'm like teaching intro to creative writing and they'll be like, I want to read. But I don't. And one girl said that books are too heavy and that she prefers to hold her phone. And that was hard.

Yeah, I was like, you can read on your phone. Books are too heavy? I would. Heavy books. There's heavy books. There's heavy books. She's reading the Silmarillion. Read poetry.

There are light. There you go. There are poetry agenda. I have a strong... He's big poetry. He's big poetry. He's your favorite poet? Frank O'Hara.

Oh, that's a classic. Easily. I mean, I'm reading some Bukowski right now. Mine's Tupac. Drinking Coke on a Sunday afternoon. Is that Frank O'Hara? Having a Coke with you. Having a Coke with you.

That's a great poem. I was close enough. Love that poem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, that's great. Poor shoes. Yeah, of course. You love that one.

I'm tattooed right here like Megan Foss. Actually, Sean, I think you'd actually enjoy Frank O'Hara. Yeah, maybe. They're short. They're short. They're really easy to read. He doesn't pointed like this left. Every day I'm going to send you one sentence to read until you've written,

until you've read my entire novel. Oh, that's the last book I read. I read Ian's book. I read Ian's book. And I love Ian's book. Thank you very much. I'm excited to read your book. Shout out to Anthony Mataro.

Friend of the podcast, Anthony Matero. He's out there hustling for me right now. Listen, I'm going to say it. He's like a hot dad. He's got a hot dad vibe. He's a hot dad and he has the vibe. You're 100% right. Some hot dads have the vibe of not hot dad.

I walked through Manhattan with him a couple visits ago, and he strode confidently through the city in a way that, like, I never have. And every email I've sent him is, like, frantic in capital letters. So I'd love to see him at a time where I'm not screaming. It's great. Yeah. It's great.

Sorry, I'm so late. Sorry, the writing's bad. Sorry, the writing fat. Can you fix this? Sorry, I'm mentally ill. he's wonderful shout to Anthony Matera I didn't know we have the same age

I'm still going to buy your book but now I know I could have gotten it for free No no no I'm not allowing that I put the cabosh on Ian Carmel Getting a free book Dearest Anthony Anything else you'd like to direct people towards You know I'm on Instagram at Amy Silverberg

And yeah I'm going to Fairbanks Alaska To be stand up but it'll be next weekend so the people won't know. Oh, so yeah. Thank you, Fairbanks for going to see Amy. For all those bookheads, I'll be at the Center for Fiction, first novel Friday,

October, the first Friday in October. Okay, never mind. Fuck it. Hopefully that went great. I wish I were going to go back in time after I listened to this. Anything in November coming up?

Anything in November, not off the top of my head. Big Thanksgiving plans? My dad. is the type of guy. He invites kind of anyone he meets to Thanksgiving. Oh, that's fun. I have a family friend.

I don't even know if he's a family friend. He comes every Thanksgiving. His name is, I'm going to need you guys to look at him. I wish I had to Instagram. His name is Count Smokula. His real name is Bob Miles. He goes by Count Smokula. He's a performance artist.

And he paints his face. He wears a fez? He paints his face white like a vampire and he wears a fez. And he plays the accordion. He comes every Thanksgiving. Shout out to Count Smokula, a.k.a. Bob Miles. And he's just like my uncle's friend from college.

And so he's come to every Thanksgiving since, like, I was a kid. I really thought that was going to be a DJ. He's been described as a sort of a Yiddish Dracula who plays the accordion and exhibits the longest tongue the side of Gene Simmons of kiss. Yes, he takes out a long rubber tongue. Although he has a new girlfriend, shout out to her, Mary, who won't let him take out the rubber tongue at family events. She thinks it's, I think, gross. Oh, he's like a trauma guy. What does that mean?

He's in with like the trauma, like who make Toxic Avenger. Oh, okay. I just know he used to play the accordion with Bob Dylan. How long has he been coming to your Thanksgiving? Since I was a kid. He's like my uncle. We call him Smokey. Uncle Smokey.

And is he actually a member of a noble family? Or is that just a nickname? He just has a count. I think he's actually a duke. No, he's a count. He thinks he's a vampire. What do you mean? Is he a count?

Yeah, he's from fucking Transylvania. Yeah, okay, but a count. Yeah, okay, great. Is it a Duke or a Count hire? That's a great question. And I'll tell you, I was listening to Jazz. Count Ellington. Duke Ellington and Count Basie have a record together.

I was listening to it today, and I had the same question. My wife was right there. Who would know? I didn't ask her. I'll text her right now. While you're at work, you're going to text her, huh? Yeah. All right.

Should I not? No, I'm kidding. I'm having a beer at work. What are you doing? Is it a Duke or Count Hire. You're having a beer? I didn't even know that was an option. Do you want a beer?

Yeah, I would love a beer. Yeah. One of these India pale... If you're getting beers, Isaac. The India Pale Ale's, I'll have another one as well. I'm good, thank you. My name is Ian Carmel. Sorry.

I will have some cocaine. I'm like so scared of cocaine and I'm so naive that somebody would be like, oh, that guy was so cooked out and I'll be like, oh, I thought he was just like friendly. Like he was asking me a lot of questions and his jaw hurt. Oh, yes. I'm just so naive. Yes. And the, like the...

Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm like, oh, do you need Zyrtac? Like, do you have an allergy? I'm so stupid. It's a different. So, like, if someone goes like, that's not a cook, but if it's just like, just a little guys, those are the. Meanwhile, I'm like, what's this is going on here?

This guy's really cool. Yeah. He's got a lot of energy. Got a lot of business idea. No, no one, no one, no one offers it to me. I think I give off like a no Coke vibe. One time in a bathroom and I accidentally swatted the girl's hand and it flew everywhere. That's why nobody offers it to me.

Okay, people hate that. Oh, they do. not like when you spasm and their hand goes flying. They're just like floating in the air. They don't like it when a rom-com thing happened to them in the back. They don't like when a girl who gave exclusively hand jobs from age 13 to 18. They should be better with these things. They're flying all over the place.

The old cocaine hand job. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Well, cocaine nose job. Sure. Beck. Back, dude. Dukes are way high.

Nothing higher for a nobleman outside of Prince. King. Isaac, thank you. Like Prince Harry is also the Duke of Sussex. There are no counts in England, but count is the same as Earl. Cheers? Cheers. Interesting. I have nothing to promote. My name is Ian Carmel. So count is the same as Earl, then why? Do they're just different words for the same thing?

Yeah. Counts are in other countries. I got you. It's fucking stupid, dude. Everything should be the same word. Tell him, dude. Sean's sort of a one-world government kind of guy. He slides it in. It doesn't bubble up every episode. I try to be nice about it, but I get pissed sometimes, you know?

I have nothing to promote. I don't know. Happy Thanksgiving. My son's turning one soon. Hell yeah. Let's promote that one year old. He'll be one month. He's one month out from one year old.

24th? 28th. Thanksgiving. All right. A little turkey. When do you get the baby that has everything? Dude, nothing. You know he'd like as a kid.

I felt like it grinded everything to the house. He'd like a kid. I was just thinking about, I was like, I'd like to get him something. You got to start giving him an oxido early. He'd like a cameo from Count Smokeyla. He'd like cocaine. He'd love to do some blow. I gave him a cameo from Caltechia last, sure.

Yeah, cocaine is more of a Christmas drug. What's the Thanksgiving drug? Triptophan, is that what's in Turkey? Somebody gave me cocaine for Christmas once. Did they? Yeah, I just remembered it, yeah. A little about, what year? Oh, man, probably like.

What year? He's talking what year was the cocaine? It was like a nice. It was in 1983. 2014, 2013? The night, let it know. No, he said, he said, he said, he said, Mr. Bore, and then he put it in my hand.

It was a, it was at a holiday party for this bar where they do like power hour, so it was free drinks for an hour. Yeah. So everybody was really housed. I really could use it at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got rid of that. They used to do power hour on your 21st birthday at midnight.

What is power hour a drink every? It's, well, the power hour that we used to call it was when you'd go to the bar at midnight and drink till two, even though it was two hours. But if you turn 21 at midnight, you could go and they got rid of the. that because people, which is good nuts, obviously. People drink like 10 drinks. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, like 30. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we did the whole 21 shots on your 21st birthday thing. Did you do that? Yes. That was insane. I don't know. And they were all different cement mixers and dead Nazis and stuff.

I've never even heard of those. They suck. Rumpelmints and Goldschager, I think. Nice. It's horrible. Oh, no, it's Rumpel and Yeager. We did the shots of beer because 21 shots of alcohol on five feet. Yeah, you're right?

Come on, what are you trying to kill me? It'd be hard to bounce back from that. Anyone, 21. I think Nick Nampay did that on his birthday, but who was his like 18th birthday, 19th birthday. But then people thought he died. I remember that we were at Southern Oregon University together

and I was like, went to bed that night early for whatever reason. And I got text messages like, did Nick die? I like, that's how you're reading him too. Did he have to be in tight? Was he? He went to the hospital because the RA found him passed out and the R.A.

was like kind of a square and didn't really know what to do. But as an R.A., I don't know. I've never been one. But I feel like you would be the worst thing you could possibly do is let a kid die. Yes. So everyone was that's the one. Your job is to make sure a kid wakes up. They can smoke weed in the room.

You just can't let one die. That's a good point. And like you can let them drink, but it's like, I don't know. I feel like I would be like, fuck, fuck. I'm letting him die. Get in the hospital. Get him out of here. You can't die here.

The R.A. is also 20, right? Yeah, he already is also 20. Yeah, he's sleeping. Let's get into it. I'm nothing to promote. We're drafting old-fashioned ways to die. The way we determine the order of this draft is a rollicking game of rock paper scissors,

play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ooh, David wins. An unnatural victory. A natural victory. Paper against two scissors,

but it is the odd man out. David is the winner. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you it was a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question. It's like building a brick wall, I think. First line, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. I love it. It's great. Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first on the second round. Got it. With that in mind. For a serpentine. Serpentine.

We all know what serpentine means. Yeah. I had two of those no sugar rice cake like smore treats in the headgum kitchen. And my brain feels crazy. Are you doing? You were snacking. I was snacking heavy. Your eyes are so wide.

right now. I had a big... Did you sprinkle cocaine on those with ice cakes? I had a big ice coffee and then I think it's whatever that sugar alcohol is. I was snacking heavy.

I had the munchies in between episodes. I haven't really been sleeping. I haven't been sleeping great. Just start telling us all your problems. I have a lot of trouble at home. Dana, I'm not sleeping at home right now. My car's in the shop. He turns out he too has a gambling problem.

I owe a lot of money to a lot of people. I've been sleeping in Griffith Park. for the last for the last month i've been sleeping with count smoky let him sleep yeah that's true i've been smoking in his conversion van the coffin does he sleep in a coffin i mean in in in theory in your head cannon what he says i don't i've never seen it um what would you order to be in his house for dinner no i've never seen where he's where he resides i bet it's like it i bet it's a pretty nice house Do you only see him on Thanksgiving?

I see him on holidays. Okay. Yeah. Are we doing like the best ways to die or? Just old-timey, right? Old-fashioned ways to die. I think ways I would like, I was thinking of his old-timey ways I'd like to go. Oh, I did not do it that way.

I didn't necessarily either. Okay, or maybe the wildest way? I just. I kind of went nuts. I went with the things that feel the most old-fashioned. Yeah, that's what I would all pay. We'll all paint beautiful pictures. Yeah.

I thought of like ways, if I had to die in an old-fashioned. and back in the old-fashioned days, how would I like to go? And some of those are really gruesome the ways I would like to go. I don't know about you guys. You're a little psycho guy. I'm a little fucking freak.

I'm five feet and every inch of me is a freak. That's a fucking Tinder bio right there. That would be so sick. My long-term boyfriend's barfing going to kill himself. I think it's also an Adina Howard song. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's at least the liner notes.

What would the order be, David Bore? David, Amy, Sean, Ian. Oh, confusing again. Hot corner. Yeah, I'm mixing it up. The order is David Amy, Sean Ian. The draft is old-fashioned ways to die. My eyes could not be wider.

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Thanks for listening. This is the one podcast. David, you have the first pick. Foisted by your own potard. I don't know what that last word is. That doesn't happen now, right? No, what is it? What's that last word?

I thought it was foisting. I think it's a hoisting. I think you're hoisted by your own batard. Piano on your head. That doesn't happen anymore. No, piano on your head is a good one. When they finally take the piano off, are your teeth now piano keys? Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, great, great.

Open casket, piano teeth. Are there birds flying around your head, but a couple of them are just musical notes? Yeah, and then like a thing comes out of my noggin like this. Do you say, did anybody get the number of that truck? Something like that. Were you playing the piano or you're just nearby the piano? I was just walking near the piano. Okay.

When it was dropped on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And your eyes are now X's. I always thought it was foisted. I think it's hoisted by your own parted. I thought it was a sword. I always thought it was like, I think it's, I thought it was like your own undoing. It's a bomb.

It's a type of bomb. Yeah. A part is a bomb? A bomb? A bomb. A bomb? A b-O-M-B? Wow, I totally thought that was something different.

Yeah. A petard is a bomb? It was almost like you were speaking. a different language, and then everyone was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's how it feels right now. Hoisted. Hoisted by your own petard. I thought it was like falling on your own sword.

So that's what you wanted to pick. Yeah, falling on your own sword. Okay. And you said foisted. So pittard is a bomb. When would you use that? You wouldn't say I dropped a pittard on something. It's from Hamlet.

It's if you, it's if you, thank you. Your own, your own malevolent designs for someone else end up causing your own doing. So the notion of what I thought it was was right All the words were wrong Here's the, it's Rosencrantz and Gildenstern In the old hamlet, there's letters sealed On my two school fellows whom I will trust

As I will Adler's fanged They bear the mandate, they must sweep my way And marshal me to knavery. Let it work For tis the sport to have the engineer Hoist with his own partard And it goes on I always think of What's the Looney Tune guy who's always after

the other guy. Tom and Jerry. Wiley Coyote. Yeah. Constantly hoisted by his own paters. Constantly like stepping on his own. Maybe history's most hoisted by Patarder. Yeah, it's most partarded guy.

Yeah. No? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's parted. It's okay to say the P-word. It's back.

It's back. Just like every stand-up bit now. We're dipping our toes. I'm never allowed to teach you to college again. Yeah, we're all out. Every single comedy movie. You know you could do it now? Yeah, they're all excited.

They're very excited. Yeah. The people to say the P word, but the R word. They, I feel crazy. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's the caffeine and the fake sugar, dude. It's okay.

It's not. Piano on your head is my pick. Piano on your head. Good job. We all forget about the pittard thing. We just keep it going. I think it's an interesting Because you could be

That is an old-fashioned way to die It turns out It's from Hamlet to be holy But people to this day Are hoisted by their own potard Oh sure Even literally Ote is most sweet

Is there a sword that sounds like Patard? There's a bastard sword There's a Bastard You can say it like that Hoisted by your own Bastard You could be foisted by your own Bastard Your bastard son killed you

I'm like so happy to have learned something Here by you guys You never would have saw that coming, right? It didn't seem like it was going to happen. No, yeah. It's like someone got hoisted by their own batard. Yeah, I thought I'd never learn from you. And now I know what a partard is.

Well, it's time for us to learn from you, specifically, what your first pick is. Okay, I mean, keeping with the gambling theme. Okay. I think I would die in a saloon shootout. This would be my favorite after a misunderstanding over cards. A slight misunderstanding. Yeah, something like that, a slight misunderstanding. Were you doing it?

Um, did I have a card up my sleeve? Sure. But I wasn't using it at that moment. And then someone sees the card. I was thinking about like you had the, you had the bar lady come and she had cards. Oh, okay. And then all this time they're like, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, wait. Now hold on there, Amy.

Somebody says something like that. Somebody proffish to bet and called your liar. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. And I don't even think women, like, were really supposed to be involved in the game. So, you know, it was probably. a treat that I got to play. People were, yeah.

When did we start gambling? Was that a strange question? Two years ago when I started. You're the first one. There's a statue of you at Yamaha. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is really fun.

I think... Just you and Calamity, James. I love a saloon. I love those doors, saloon doors. If I could ever afford a house, might have saloon doors on every... Wow.

Even the bathroom? What about an outdoor saloon door? Sure. Like, that's your main door? Yeah, that's wild. That's just your front door. It's always open. Right. People are constantly coming into my house.

Raccoon's just three feet for him to get in. Have you ever been to Deadwood, South Dakota? No, I've heard of the show. Good saloon doors. Okay. A lot of like, they like kept some of those old saloons from back of the day. It's pretty sick. And you know, you can hear the noise like, you know, one of the people is shooting

accidentally a bottle on the wall. It's like, bing p p p p p p dink. The bartender gets down. Ducks. Yeah, yeah. And then comes back up. Oh, no. Or the steel chute.

The McCoys in the Hatfields are ready. They hit that little freak. That's what I'm thinking of me. Every inch of five feet freak over there. Every inch riddled with bullets. Exactly. I had a bottle on my head for some reason. That gets shot.

Ping pong, pong. Like that gunfire that sounds like that. Yes, exactly. Third time this happened this week. Six shooters going off. And then, of course, there's the old guy at the bar. He's been playing for years and years. And he just goes, like, deal him again.

You know, he's not even. He didn't even move. Now somebody's going to take a shot of whiskey And the glass gets shot out Yeah And then they get another glass real quick They got the shakes Yeah

Of course They're not scared They're just alive at that time Yeah He has the jug It gets shot And it starts pouring out And he's wondering why

There's no whiskey getting into his mouth Because it's all pouring out the side Wondering why he's not feeling better And he looks in the side Yeah He's wondering why the ghosts are still screaming And then of course A prostitute comes from upstairs

And is you know She's wizened Wisened Wisened She's seen it all She's gambling with a different currency Yeah sure Yes she's had syphilis

10 times over You get a bonus syphilis If you get a 10 times Of course If you get it 10 times And I don't want to take Anybody's old-fashioned way to die Because I think syphilis is I'm sure

Brain riddled with syphilis is a good one It's how they got out of our Capone right Eventually Really syphilis Yeah syphilis in prison That's one of my recent Obsessions I'm trying to write a new novel about when the mob ran Vegas.

Oh, that's great. And also you can get to go research it. Yeah, so I'm researching, baby. I'm researching. Live show in Vegas. We do have someone hitting us up for live show in Vegas. We could go do a little research.

And I'll be there with you guys. I'll be in the, you'll see me in the casino and you'll see me. I'm taking Sue Carmel to Vegas in real time right now in about three weeks. I'm taking Sue Carmel home. You're bringing her. Whoa. Oh, wow. Oh, damn.

No one's ever said it I'm just wondering if you don't allow it You are a five foot free Again my boyfriend Killing himself You don't even know who said That could be my mom It could be my ground

Could be my sister I'll take them all That's my mom So I'm always threatening To leave my boyfriend for a woman I guess it's Sue Carmel Whoever that is Retired nurse

Sue Carmel is one of my favorite people On the planet So I could do a lot worse Oh yeah Oh yeah Yeah yeah Plus she'll be fresh off Paul McCartney, so she'll be in a good mood.

Oh, hell yeah. We're going to see Paul McCartney. In the sphere? No, he's not in the sphere. But we are going to see a Wizard of Oz experience at the sphere. Oh, yes, I heard that's actually so cool. Yeah, I'm excited. It's an experience.

It's an experience. I saw the tornado. I saw a video of the tornado. It feels like it's inside of you. And that's what I heard. Yeah. That's how all encompassing it is. You really are a freak. Seriously?

That I didn't actually mean freaky. That wasn't freaky. I was just trying to be descriptive. Yeah, they, like, blow wind in there, too, when it's happening. I don't know. Oh, damn. Maybe they blow a little wind well. It's happening.

4D. Make it all better. A little Steve. Steve Windwood? Still got to go see him with your dad, man. That's on my list. You guys were going to see Steely Dan, just to be specific, not Steve Winwood. He said Steve Winwood.

I think I still have the text. My dad wanted to go see Steve Winwood with you? What's your dad's name? Ivan. Yeah. Yeah. Sexy. Yeah.

It's pretty all right. Yeah. I haven't Carmel. He's two scoops. Ivan Carmel. He is. Two scoops of. He's a lot.

He's a lot of baseball cards. I could tell you we're wondering if he had a lot of baseball cards. He does. That's my kind of man. A lot of baseball cards. He's packing heat and by heat. And he's packing heat. He's got a Roscoe baseball cards.

Baseball cards, guns, coins. He collects a lot of stuff. He's a collector. It's time for us to collect. Sean's first pick. I'm great at this. Pretty good at it. Guillotine

Okay, yeah As a performer You want everyone to kind of Watch the headline Yeah No Headliner Yeah

Yeah And he doesn't want Sean doesn't want anyone else To die by guillotine that day He's like that's my day Oh you're just Just you Well one person goes up and dies

But it only takes like 15 Yeah It's a 45 minute Yeah One guy goes up and get stabbed to death And then you go to the guillotine It takes a while Yeah

It's like mad that the first guy took too long. He's like, fuck. I want a guillotine. I don't know. 900 feet high. Yeah, his crowdwork's like, oh, what do you guys do today? Get dysentery.

A nice shirt, dickhead. Nothing just got my head off. Do you know that the guillotine was humane when it was first invented? It's quick. It was invented as like a humane way to kill people because the first, like, the way they used to put people to death was like with a sword. And sometimes it wouldn't go through. through. Right.

You know what? And sometimes they would like on purpose have like a dull blade so it would take a while. And here's the thing that you would get to find out, is your head still really alive for any amount of time after it gets cut off? Yeah. And what do you do with that knowledge? That's the only issue. You know, you have a very small window. Yeah, I just, I can see, I can see. I'm just still talking about. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Okay, you're, you're, you're, you're freaky too. Yeah. You put me on top of me on top of a little more of me.

Nah, there's one inch of you. That's not a free. Okay, that's true. It's right here. I didn't know that it was invented as a humane. It was a humane thing. It seems pretty humane. I mean, it'd be so scary.

And you are under a lot of pressure the person operating the guillotine. You don't want to screw up, you know? No. Pretty easy, right? I'm going to do it myself. I think it's like I'm picturing a guy practicing in front of the mirror. He's like, and pull, and pull. Honey, come in here.

Just watch me do this and tell me if you think I screwed up at all. Also, look at my. my face when I'm doing it. Do I look scared? Do I see you have an erection? Do I seem aware of the unfortunate necessity of this sort of deterrent in our society? Do I seem like sad but steadfast? Right. Because that's what I'm going in my conviction. I want them as grim-faced as the men I saw at that strip club. The guy doing the horny. Yeah. Hornily grim, not even cracking a smile. Lips near nipple. Gray ashen faces. on the record?

Probably not. I went to a Shrip Club and I, in Vegas and I was horrified by the grim looking horny men. Sapphire, right? Sapphire.

Shout out to Sapphire. Really one of the most depressing. I don't like people will say that and they don't mean it. You don't know what I mean? I've been to strip clubs. I think I thought by high end

it would be like fun and instead high end where the grimmest looking horny men it stinks. It just sucks. It's not what you want out of a strip club experience.

Sorry to return to the strip club but. guillotine, baby guillotine, dude. Time for my first pick and my second pick as it is a serpentine. Try to have them not be stupid, huh? I'm going to have some really good ones.

My first one is going to be dropsy. What's that? I'm not sure, but I know you don't really get it anymore and it was an old-fashioned way to die. You didn't look up what it was? Dropsy. I just knew it. Oh, do you do it off top?

But you didn't. I have a list. Can we guess what it is? Okay, let's all guess what dropsy is. Diarrhea. Okay, that's a great guess. No, because that's dysentery. but maybe they might get brought up

like some sort of brain aneurysm or something okay that makes sense because you would drop yeah yeah I think that's I think like a stroke stroke don't tell us here because I haven't even guessed it I swear I haven't looked it up I'm gonna say hold on hold on I'm gonna say it's an inner ear imbalance

here give us a hint ooh give us a hint oh I think looks upset it's the picture was gross oh no there was a picture of dropsy yeah I don't know a picture thing. Dropsy sounds like a like a cat or something.

Yeah, like a cute name for a cat. Here comes dropsy. Okay, what was dropsy? She always falls off. It's the buildup of fluid and body tissue so that you're like, you swell to death. Oh.

Damn, like in seven. Like in seven? You haven't that picture was bad. No, not like in seven. He ate himself to death. That's like someone fed to death. This is like fluid in the flesh. Can it happen anymore?

Yeah, it's called edema. Edema. Oh, edema. Adema? Wait, so is that an old-timey way to die? Adema Howard. I think now people are. I don't think you die from edema these days.

I'm not bored by you guys. I just want to look something up. Yeah, look at it. No, you can look something. That's what it says. My mom has edema in her legs. So her legs are huge, by the way. It's gnarly.

But is dropsy a different thing? Or is that just a nickname? I have no idea. I think it used to. I don't think. I have no idea. Can I still take dropsy? I'll count it.

I mean, the list is fairly slim. So I'm fine with letting you take dropsy. Well, there's infinite old-fashioned ways to die. Yeah, I mean, it's probably been a long time since somebody said they died a dropsy. Yeah, and I think they used to say that all the time. Right. It just feels very old fashion to me. Yeah, the word feels old.

All right, I'm going to take dropsy. Yeah. Dropsy's my first pick. Just saying it's so unpleasant. I say, we don't dwell on it. It's really unpleasant. It's really unpleasant. I don't want to see the picture, but I do.

No, I don't want it. But do show him. Don't show me. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. All right. Sean wants to know if you can get dropsy jester your dick because he thinks he has it. Dick's so swollen

It's so huge, dude It's just so big all the time That's what you call it boners You're like sorry I'm having edema of the dick I'm a spot of dick dropsy Can you help my edema? I gotta come Shit dude

I've been stricken with edema yet again This is my second Sorry miss I seem to have I seem to have Oh fuck man I have penis dropsy Help me out Run afoul

My penis seems to have run afoul of a case of dropsy. There it is. My second pick, I'm going to take, this is a very old-fashioned way to die. I'm going to take eating a berry that could go either way

because we don't know if that's poison or not yet. Oh, yet, yeah. That's kind of Oregon Trail type. You know, they're eating stuff and they're hoping for the best. You think about it all the time because, like, if you really open your eyes and you look around the world.

Just because your eyes are so wide open. Mine are wide open. But if you really, there's berries everywhere. All over the place. Mushrooms, berries, all sorts of stuff. And then, like, you would never think to eat them because you're like, if I could, somebody would have been like, that's delicious.

But once upon a time, I'm sorry to do like a very early stand-up premise. Of yours or just of? I think just like in the first person to ever eat a bear. The cave man being like, so you eat a bad berry, am I right? Who sucked milk out of a cat for the first, like, but like somebody had to be the first person like, And one time they ate a raspberry, and they were like, fuck, I hope that's not poisonous, because that's so good.

And they didn't. Now we have raspberries. But once upon a time, very old-fashioned way to die, you had to be the dude to eat the shit yourself to death, Barry. Same with the guy, like the first guy who ate the mushroom that made him feel like. This is great. You had a joke about the first person to try alcohol. Oh, yeah. Cilocybin grows out of poop a lot.

Mostly, right? Yeah. Like how people grow it? Wow, I did not know that. Oh, you never seen a mushroom farm? No. Oh. Why cow poop?

People got them in closets Like they do Sometimes your friend's big brother Comes over and says She called the cops on me And you gotta smash it What is it about cow poop That can grow it?

I don't know You can't do it with human poop I think Or like deer poop I don't know Cow poop is like pretty clean Weirdly Like I think it's

They have so many stomachs And it gets And they eat just grass That I think It's like a less gross poop Okay You ever drive to like Tillamook

And tell me like And you smell and you're like, that's cowship, but it doesn't smell bad. It's not like humor shit. Yeah. You're like in a weird way, it kind of smells good.

This is so much grosser than Dropsy. Yeah. If we went in deeper into Dropsy, I think it would have gotten. I think Dropsy had the potential to be pretty gross. You got to assume like on Oregon Trail type if people had like 15 kids. Yeah.

Like the kid you liked the least, you'd be like, try the berry. Emmett, go try that berry. Yeah, yeah. Like, who's my dumbest kid? Like, Emmett. Yeah. Do you like that, Barry?

Do you feel good? Do you feel fine? Yeah, I feel all right. Yeah, like, good for heaven. Every now and then, it's like, oh, he tried the first Marion Berry that a white man ever tasted, you know? What? He's talking about the mayor. The mayor. Oh, okay.

First Mary or Mary. Sure. There we go. There we go. In Oregon-based berry, though, you know. When you were a little kid and you used to, like, go explore, you know, whatever. Swamp. Hills, grass.

Did you always so bad. want to eat, like, the little red berries you saw? We used to, there was like a... I'm trying to keep us focused on the berries. There was like a plant that had... We would call it, like, gum. You'd scrape this stuff from the inside of, like, a stamen. Is that the long part of a plant?

Whatever. A plant's kind of long? Like a pistol stamen? Huh? Gum, he called it. Yeah, well, who the fuck knows what it was? But we'd scrape it out and we'd chew on it like that's what you were supposed to do with it. And you were fine.

Yeah. It's like honeysuckle, you know? Like, it's so cool just eating something. Bethel every now and again. That's been grown, yeah. Like, you just pluck it out of the ground? Sure. Doesn't Palumbo do that?

Is he like something he like harvests? Like, oh, that's like. Shout out to Palumbo, friend of the pod. Friend of the pod. He's a, what do they call it? Not a scavenger, but a forager. Forager. Yeah.

New scavenger wasn't great. I remember. You don't know him a scavenger, but you can have some grown. It's like, huh. It's like a coyote. Danny's scavenger. I remember, it was grape leaves. I remember watching like an Instagram video he did where he was like doing

Domas. Is that what they're called? Yeah, and he was like picking grape leaves out of like... And of course, like truffles, you know, you hire a pig for that. Yeah. Imagine the resumes on those pigs. These are expensive. I saw like a video where dogs do it too, and I'm like, get the dogs out of fucking trouble.

That's for pigs. Imagine pigs. They're taking our job. They're like, they're like fucking dogs coming over here, taking our jobs. If it goes both ways, fine. If I see a pig riding on the back of a fire engine, you know what I mean? I had a friend growing up who had a pet pig. Pet pig?

Lola. Really? Did you get to be around the pig? Very smart. Yeah, they were so cute. It was such a cute pig when it was little, I mean, when it was a pig lay. And then it grew up. And then it's like, it had to live outside.

Are they just like inherently dirty? Does it feel dirty even seeing a clean pig? No. No. You know what I mean? Like, because you see them and they're in like squalor and mud. And so, of course, they're dirty. But like an indoor pig.

If it's clean, would it still feel dirty. It seems like when a dog runs outside and he's got some mud on his paws. Like they got a little mud on their hooves, but. I think they're really smart, too. They're really smart. No, and then I feel bad about baking. I know. And then until I'm eating it.

I'm like, that fuck them. Not smart enough to get away from me. Somebody bought a pig to one of my parties one time. Really? Police officer? Oh. There he goes. There he is.

No surfer co. No snitches in this crowd, I'll tell you that. Were your parties like legendary? They had pigs and stuff. Yeah, I guess. Not one woman, but a lot of guys and a pig. Tedpoo's in a pig. Putting a pig.

Pig and a wig. A couple guns. No guns at that point. But yeah, pig, Dexter. And the guy was like, I remember because we were like, oh, that's crazy. That's a pig. And then we're talking about food. And the guy's like, I mean, that's my man in all.

But I love poor Cadobo. He's talking about his pig, like, that's my man. He said, that's my man in all. The pig's like, why can't I sleep at night? Why do I need? He had a T-shirt on. The pig did? Yeah, run the MC, too.

a lot. Hard to get a pig in a shirt, I feel like. Picking a blanket. Pretty easy. I was going there. You didn't though. I was going to have a joke about it. Can I go?

I'm there quicker. Sean, it's time for your second pick. So shootout in a saloon is taken, but can I pick a duel? Yeah. Oh, like, are you challenging or getting challenged? See, I'm waffling here. I think I'm going to land on. I want a grab the gun out the box, 10 paces turn and shoot duel.

Okay. Like a duel. And I'm not talking like a gunfight. Pistols are gone. No, dual. Yeah, like a duel. Yeah, like a duel. Like someone talked to your lady in a way that made you upset.

And now I imagine there were some guys back then and were like, I can't believe. But they're like, I can't believe I have to fucking go do a duel for this broad. But I got to or else my respect is gone. I have to demand satisfaction. I have to imagine that was most guys. We're like, I don't want a fucking duel over this. They call my mom a whore. Now I have to duel.

Yeah. So I might die. because that happened? I don't like that, you know? Why can't I just fight the guy? That's what I don't know. You're not a whore. Is that enough to know?

Telling that to your mom? To know that you're not? No, I have to go do a duel. Mom, I might die. Be cool. Be cool about it. Pretend like you didn't hear it. I have to go kill the Earl of Shropshire?

Can you just let it roll off your back? Please. I wonder what the strategy of those duels were, just like quick hands, I guess. I guess that's it, right? apparently those guns that they would shoot that like back then were so inaccurate that oftentimes like and they seem to clog a lot did you have to redo like are we talking about like ball

I'm talking like the hand musket thing yeah I don't think you should be able to redole I think if that's what I'm so like it doesn't fire it doesn't fire let's shake our hands and often I bet you a lot of people caught strays too like you're just outside yeah you're too playing poker in the saloon I catch a fucking stray you know I guess she folds That starts to fight Go to commercial A lot of times people

Like aim to the side And when I say a lot of times I mean I have seen a movie where this happens Where they'll just like aim to the side and fire there That's like if you both think that your broads are annoying Yeah You get together I like let's just let's just maybe point out the sun

Oh we both missed Yeah Crazy Just a couple We are to do all over these broads And I say of course Of course, Brods, I have a doctorate. Don't forget. So I'm allowed to say it. Did Brod's duel?

I don't know. Were there female duels back in the day? Sorry to be such a pioneer spearheading. I know we all went, I just went to a different place in my mind. Alexa? Did Brod's duel? Did Brod's duel back in the day? Alexa.

Did Brod's duel back in the day? Alexa, show Isaac a picture of Dropsy. Please don't. I've never seen, I know, at least from books I've read and some movies, that a whore maybe, and I'm using horrors in the old-timey way. Such a biting word. Might carry a pistol just in case a guy kind of got, you know, one of her, sorry, not a guy, one of her clients got handsy. But I don't think they were having formal duels, but I think some of them were carrying. Packing.

Carpterner Roscoe. In the garter. Yeah. Girder? Girder. Garter. Girders in buildings. Garter's on legs.

Okay. Another tattoo. That's my other side of my rib cage. Amy, time for your second pick. Okay. The King's disease, gout. Oh, yeah. That used to kill people.

Yes. If it's not treated, it could lead to things. Whoa. Like heart disease, kidney. And I've long since wanted to be the smallest woman who ever got gout. And it hasn't. On the books? On the books?

Yes. Calling Gennis? I have gout. You have gout. Oh, yeah. Gout is among us. May I ask, once you get it, do you have it forever? I thought you get rid of gout and then you still think of yourself as a gout.

You have flare-ups. And now I'm on like, I wasn't on a medication for years. I know that your culture is not my costume. It's all right. No, no, no, no. I will say it's the worst. It's very painful, right? It feels like you get in your foot at first.

Like it's in your big toes. Always like the first place you get it. Because it's a build-up of crystals at the joint. It feels like you're walking on shattered bones. Lactic acid. Yeah, yeah, it's acid. And were you eating rich foods at the time that you got it? I was exclusively and drinking all the time.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. How I don't have gout is, blows my mind because we live together and I was doing the same exact. That's why it's King's disease is because people are like eating a lot of eating rich food and... Rich goose meats. Yes, yes. And like organ meat and stuff. Like organ meat has a lot of it. Alcohol, anything fermented has a lot of.

I mean, now you're making me think, again, I've got to be worried about my own, my gout. You might get gout. But if you get on top of it, you can, you can treat it. Sure, and I do run, but I'm also imagining myself running with gout and how a difficult that would be. You're not going to run with gout. Just screaming, though. Ah!

Ah! But I do. Imagine me, this is 1505. Yeah. I just picked a year. Yeah. And they're like, she's, yeah, she died from gout. I'm imagining 1507, is that okay?

That's okay, 15.07. She died from gout. They told her to, she's, I'm eating sticks of butter. Yeah. Drinking meed. I used to do that. I used to eat sticks of butter out the fridge, my mom tells me. With her to her chambers, every evening a goose.

You know, you just go there and you eat a goose flesh. How did you get rid of your gout? There is, losing weight helps a lot. And then also, there's medications. So I'm on one called allopurinol, which just like makes your body get rid of the... It's been coming up. It's like second time. That was the drug.

Well, we drafted drugs. Oh, yeah. We drafted drugs. Yeah. Okay. And then, but like if you, before medication, you just have to drink like tart cherry juice helps. Okay. That's like a UTI.

Sorry, nobody in here. It is like a UTI situation. Celery. So, like breaks up the, but it's just. Celery shit. You were there. You guys were there when I had gout out breaks. Oh, yeah.

It was awful. It looked like. I saw him come out of his room one time. It was bad. We were, we were supposed to record. You came out of your room. and you were still going to do it, but you could,

you were like walking on one foot almost, and you got to the couch and I'm like, we should call this, right? It's like, can't do it. You can't sleep. The pain is so bad. Like, you feel like crying. Like, all the,

it's, it's the worst pain I've ever been in, and I've given birth. So that's my pick. I'm dying from the worst painy Ian has ever felt. And I'm just, and I'm eating richer foods

once I know about gout, just to end it quicker. you know foie gras every day yeah exactly I'm like bring yeah Barra nights with Amy Silverberg barrels of ale uh

more meed more ale oh shot by an arrow shot by an arrow yeah by an arrow through the heart yeah from like a long bow

poetic though from like a long bow though like the guys who went first like the really long ones yeah oh the ones that our arrows will blot out the sun those Who are they?

That was in $300. I think that was something to do a fight in the shade. Remember when that was an icy line, though? Remember when that was the worst dude you know's favorite movie for six months? Before I knew, listen. Same with Braveheart and Gladiator. Before I knew cool people. Listen, I knew you when 300 came out and we liked it.

Did we know each other was? When did it come out? When did 300 come out? 2010? Probably like, go six or seven or something? I swear it because we talked it because we doesn't need to be in every but there was a specific conversation we had about it.

Oh, seven. I don't think we knew each other. No, we didn't. We didn't meet until 2009. Interesting. Well, we had a big conversation about it one time. Man, he is so shredded. Shredded. You're talking about the Phantom of the Opera himself, Drew Butler? Yeah. A lot of guys got kicked in the chest because of that movie. Every dude in there. Michael Fastbender in that movie. Oh, yeah.

It's insane what his body looks like. Yeah, yeah. That was like the whole eight-pack thing where you're like, there's another set of abs that we didn't know about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They unlocked another Scottish abs were coming out back in 07. Arrow through the heart, dude.

One of the big longbowman. Yeah. Did Robin Hood have a longbow? Was he a longbowman? Longbows? Well, the Persians didn't have longbows. Longbows were invented. I'm sorry.

How the hell are you? Damn glad to meet you. Thank you for letting me take your daughter out. It was fun night. Earl Crossbowman. Home Depot man, myself. Crossbow. Crossbow.

The Longbows are British invention. And what's interesting, like, this is more stolen valor from, like, that stuff I've heard my wife say, and now I pass it off. Like, it's something I've known or read. It's not stolen value. He thinks learning is stealing valor from a smarter person. If a teacher tells you, it's not stolen value. I didn't come up with this, all right? So, think of a cave, right?

And then there's this light on the wall of it. Thank you. Plato, lovely. Yeah. That's my favorite poet. So the French, this was like during the Hundred Years' War. and the Brits, like, once they learned, like, the longbow, because you could fire arrows so much farther than, like, a standard bow and arrow.

But no accuracy. Yeah, do you think they knew the way they were landing? That's what I was going to ask. Not really, but you also didn't. It didn't matter. If you shot enough of them, you were just going to, they're over there. Yeah. I'm picturing in the movies, like, everyone on their horses, firing, firing, firing, firing,

yeah. This is, no, they were on the ground. It's the same hand job gesture I do. It's also the way I do. Get over here, 13-year-old. Yes, when I got very good, from 13 to 18. Joanna Newsome of Dix That's probably another poet that I like

Harpest Poetry for the ears He should be married to Andy Sandberg These boas were like six feet tall They were his biggest people So anyway like The Brits would like after church

Everyone they like Warfare for a long time Was a very noble thing to do Like foot soldiers and stuff Would sometimes be like Peasants Not but not even really peasants It would be like kind of the middle class

Like mercenaries and everything And then knights were all like noble. But in England, they started doing like after church, everybody practiced longbow. They made it like a cool thing to like practice longbow. And in France, they were into like being romantic and like the romanticism of war. And they were like, we would never deign to fight, you know, like with bows. War is meant to be done hand to hand with swords and everything. So the Brits just like fucking white shut the French.

Okay. Because they're like, all right, fuck you. And everyone's like rules on the war. Fine, be honorable. That's where this comes from. This has an insult that comes from that because they would cut off French French soldiers fingers British soldiers fingers yeah yeah but then they'll be like oh you can't you haven't captured me I still have my fingers oh hey a little

fuck you I can still shoot with my fingers is that true I've heard that before is that have you looked into that is that true I've heard that from so many British people I believe it now fucking that's a fuck you recently recently saw a bunch at the oasis at the oasis concert this was flying around quite a bit But it's not this motion Oh, I'm learning so much on this podcast. I bet. Wait, you're like, I don't do it?

It's just this. Like, I have my fingers. You know? We still a lot of valor. Do you think not, like, kids in the UK know where this comes from? Where does ours come from? Maybe. Once again.

What is the middle finger come? I don't know. This. Yeah. Why does it come? Oh, you think it's a version of. Why does it come? Yeah, I'm talking about my penis, Isaac.

Why does the... No, like, why I was going to say why did that. I don't get it. I don't know. But, yeah. Shot by an arrow. Excellent, big. Thank you.

Thank you. Anyone in here ever shot a real, like, bow and arrow? Oh, yeah. At summer camp. I've shot, like, a compound, like a new... That's what I'm talking, like, the ones with the gears on them and stuff. Oh, I've only done it, like, at summer camp, and I don't think those were very nice. We did it at summer.

Like, Dana's family had a summer, summer camp family reunion last summer. That's so fun. It was amazing. It's summer again. Summer? Last summer, they had a summer camp, family reunion last summer, and it was during the months of the summer. we had summer sausage Mark Summers was there

500 days of summer there was a archery range and I was like fucking nailing it and I kind of got cocky because we had like compound bows and we fucking accidentally launched one like up over it into the woods nobody died

but like somebody for sure could have those compound ones when you do it you're like oh this is this is scary you see how people can hunt with it in China yeah it's serious it's so sad the thud of it hitting the hay is so satisfying your third pick

burned at the steak yeah burning the steak oh sure Joan of Arc you name so much do you know how many witches were burned at the stake during the Salem witch trials ask somebody else how many broads you know how many women got what they deserved

it was it was zero yeah yeah you've done that to me before I don't want to spoil the final wait say it again the Salem witch trials They said that they burned all these women at the steak, they said, but there were no women burned at the stake in the Salem Witch trials. Why did they lie about it? I couldn't tell you.

They killed them. They just weren't burned at the stake. They hung them and drowned them. I'm sure they didn't do great things. I want to, can I recommend a book? Yes. The Antidote by Karen Russell, a little historical fiction about the Dust Bowl and it's got witches in it. It's so good.

Just read it. I really liked it. Max wants me to be a witch for Halloween. I think finalist. What? My daughter wants me to be a witch for Halloween. It's pretty cool. I like that.

If she sticks to it, yeah, I told her she could pick whatever I am, so if it doesn't change, then, yeah, I'll be away. Which is great, dude. Also kind of a pretty simple costume, right down the middle? I think so. Broom. Are you going to green up your face? Yeah, for sure. If I get the upper, I'll probably have to shave.

You'll shave. Hey, you got to green up your face. You got a grin at your face. You're going to be a witch. What are you going to be a regular skinned witch? Just with a beard face. You just have some tarot cards. You're an Etsy witch for a while.

I'm a new witch, dude. You're smoking clove cigarettes. You're listening to Ani DeFranco On a beats pill, trick or treating with my daughter I don't know if Ani DeFranco is the right reference Butterfly will work Crazy Town will work No

No, I don't know That's what you think witches listen to What do they I'll just have the craft soundtrack playing the whole time Whatever that is Okay I'm on the nose but works Yeah we'll get there

On the nose will be a big old wart That's what's gonna be on the nose You play your cards right Yeah, yeah. And do you know what you'll be burned at the stake for? Like heresy? Probably being dope. Kick flipping.

Too much sauce. Too much Riz. Too much Riz, dude. Whoever them, like, I don't know if it's a sheriff, the ruler, the earl is like, we got to get rid of this guy. Like, he's too cool. Probably just like, you know, speaking the truth. Judaism. Being a truth.

Oh, I'm Jewish. Jewish in this. They don't burn the Irish at the States. Would that be nice? No, they wouldn't waste a steak. Let's just set this Irish guy on fire. We're not going to tie him up to anything. Let him run.

They don't know how to run. They forget, give him a couple guineasas. Put a Guinness under a box, prop it up with a stick. Watch the Irish pool run under it. Put a Guinness in a jar. And he'll grab it and won't think to let go of the Guinness to get his hand out of the jar. And then they'll set him on fire. Yeah, put a Guinness in the middle of a fire.

Well, Herschel and the Hanukkah Goblins are there. Oh, I got me. Yeah. Heresy feels like the classic, right? Sure. And I think that can mean a lot of things. Kind of an umbrella term. It's a catch-all.

Sure. Amy, time for your third pick. Okay, you know, I've said this a few times, but it hasn't been picked, dysentery. Dysentery. Which is just like heavy-duty diarrhea. Right. That's Oregon Trail Ship from the game where it's like you got... You got dysentery.

Did people die in the game? game, right? Oh, sure. Dysentary is one of the, and a lot of people, I think they were having trouble with their shits in the old fashion time. How did you not? Sure. I don't understand how anybody. It's hard enough now. I was going to say, I have trouble with them quite a bit. I think until penicillin, diarrhea was the leading cause of death on Earth. Damn. How, okay, how does diarrhea kill you? You lose so many fluids. And I think Diccatering actually is something with your intestines is going on. It like rots it out or something. Doing something bad at your.

You get dehydrate. Because your poop doesn't finish forming in your intestines. That's what diarrhea is, right? But everything that goes into your body just shoots out of your butt, including water. So you just can't retain any moisture. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So you're actually also dying.

I had a neurovirus like six months ago. I've never. I don't believe that that exists. In my whole life. It was, I mean, probably 40 times. It was crazy. I didn't even know what could happen. I had it too.

It sucks. And it didn't hurt her. It just, it was like. It just like. It just like coming out. Yes, I mean, seriously, about 40 times in a day. I didn't know that could happen. What was the, what was like 38 like?

Exhausting. Because I was coming out at that point. Nothing. Your butt was wrong. Everything. Yeah, everything. It was like not to get too gravey. The way David said that.

As well, yeah. I've had it like, yeah, I've had that kind of diarrhea. It's like by the end, it just hurts. Yeah. It just burns. And then you have to imagine back in those days, like you didn't also have a nice toilet. Yeah. To go.

Toil paper. Right. Nothing. What did they use? Like a burlap sack? Yeah. Leaves? What did they use?

They had toilet paper. Leaves? But they, yeah. When did toilet paper get invented? That's a good question. Thank you. What do you think? Somebody say a year so I can scoff like my wife.

Yeah. 1906. No, that's... You guys want to guess? I do. I want to guess. I do. I want to guess.

Okay. 1730. Paper was like incredibly valuable up until like... The toilet paper is not paper. But it's paper enough. Well, I bet they used something else before they used a form of paper. I think they probably used, like, cloth. Leather.

That ain't going to, like, I want to know when, like, toilet paper. I'm going to say, 1930. Shit. Wow, you think that late? It's crazy, but 31. See, this is now. 31, okay. I'm going to go 1882.

Okay. I think 1915. Geez. Am I, like, so stupid? What did you say? 1730. No, I don't think any of it. us know.

1857. Wow. By a guy named Joseph Gaietti. 1882. By a guy named Joseph toilet paper. We should know that man's name. That guy should. Yes.

Yes, we should know that guy's name. Joseph C. Galletti. It's not even Joseph Sharman either, so we got cut out of the deal. You didn't get a high school? No. What's his name? Joseph C. Guyetti.

Guyi. His name is Joseph Gai Fieri? Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri. How do you pronounce? Spell that last name. And I love to know. day he was born so we could um gay eddie oh guy eddie gay eddie gay eddie yeah yeah and i wonder

kind of the process of him inventing that if if one day he was like eureka he just was fed up with it like you know what i'm sick i just put my pants back off yeah if he had some kind of bout he just goes in like listen i don't want to be an asshole but i'm sick i'm sick having shit all over me we're all walking around with poopy butts everybody he was attacked as a quack by at least one medical society He's quack. You keep that shit. He's like, you wipe his ass.

This guy doesn't even have shit on his ass. We can't trust him. He doesn't have to sit on his. I'm a doctor. The guy who suggested doctors should wash their hands was dismissed as a quack and killed himself. Yeah, because I'm sure they're like, no, the shit on your ass is helpful. Yeah. Like dogs have shit on their ass.

And they're fine. And they bring us pheasants. Horses, the noblest of beasts. God. Dingleberry City. And by the way, the Chinese had already been using toilet paper. So when did they start? 580.

5. You gave us the white guy. What the fuck? That's what they say. The modern toilet paper was. Everything that happened, China was a thousand years ahead. I don't buy it. I'm calling fucking bullshit on China being ahead.

On Chinese toilet paper? I'm not calling bullshit on Chinese toilet paper. Spaghetti. Fireworks. New Year. New Year. Dragons. So apparently they used to

They would just used to wash with water Most people Oh that makes a lot of friends Like in some countries they just have a Biday. Biday. Yeah. But until the Chinese Have you tried that Bade yet? No Never had a bidet. Never had the experience

I've seen them in other people's It's sitting at Andy's apartment. It's at Andy's apartment Every time I'm there. Do it tonight. It's great. Next time you're in Vegas and you go to the Cosmo, and you go to Momofuku, their bathroom has a bidet in it. That's right. There's another bidet I didn't use. Yeah. We were all pretty.

We went to a big family, you know, us, like friend dinner there. And people one by one went to the bathroom and sort of learned that it had a badet. And he came back to the table. You sort of learned that it had a bedet. Do they have those nice clothy towels too or no? I don't remember anything but the bidet. Okay. The very nice toilet.

They have that at Domo. They imagine the caviar. Oh, yeah, we got fried sugar in a caviar. I tried caviar. Do not like it. That's all right. Well, you don't like seafood. Yeah, if you don't, you got to have like a fish, you have a fishy salty palate, you know.

Have you tried foie gras? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you like foie gras? Well, didn't I just try it? The dumplings at Cannard. No, no, that's the liver. I mean, it's similar.

That's what foie gras. Yeah, I had the dumplings of canard. Yeah, you liked that. They were fine. Yeah, I liked them. You might not like a flagra. too. I like it a lot. The happiest person I think I've ever seen in my life. I was in France and this lady

was like she ordered FlaGuarder herself and she was putting it on like heaping on a cracker. That lady's gonna get gout. And then just like she would bite it and then just like close her eyes and like go like this. It was I mean I do that makes me happy thinking about that lady. She was having a great time. Yeah. She was having a great. It was like Tuesday night to his boat. It felt like a weird time for a shit. It was like Tuesday late at night. It felt like a weird time for a shitload of

foie gras. Who knows what she went through that day? That might have been She already got dumped That's a good way to take the edge off, I guess Watching somebody enjoy food weirds me out Like really enjoy it That's like all the food influencers

Who then you have to watch them try their food And they're like Yeah Or like just where they're like It's nutty I'm getting sort of a I'm getting sort of like a

Disflavor I'm getting sort of a dip Let me take another bite Oh the mint's really coming through No Do you guys know Julia Shipplet? Julia Shipplet comedian

in New York, she's got a good, like, Instagram sketch of her pretending to be these food influencers. Yeah, chef. And they go, mm, mm, mm. They're, like, dancing around.

They really got to sell it. Yeah. I hate that they ruined it. What happened? I was just telling them to take a second break. I was just going to call from the bullpen. I like that. Can I use the bathroom?

Yes. And you can do it. I won't be having dysentery. I'll just be peeing. Amy's going to go have diarrhea. Can I have a diary? In the headgun bathroom, and we'll be right back. This episode of all fantasy.

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John Jordan. Has it my turn? Sean Jordan, six foot to a freak. Yeah. Seven days a week. Seven days a week. I don't want to go guns again, but this is... So, I had this on my list, and it's close to duel, but it's not.

So it's like revolutionary war times when they would... I think they were called vicetas. I don't know why I think it's called that. Where they would form the... They'd stand there. The British would do it, and they'd load their guns, and they would stand there and get shot. Oh, those lines? And then they would shoot back and just stand there.

and get shot that is that too close to a duel no it's a different way to get shot today it's a different I thought that was a firing squad that's different well that's like the death penalty but I'm talking like in war times where they would walk they would march up okay and they would stand there both sides would load their guns two lines one side would just shoot right at the other side and they would stand there and then the side that just shot would get shot at and they would just stand there and kind of think somebody was like hey man I got until they said Fire will. Yeah.

I just got to keep sitting here. Yeah. If anybody out there knows what... I'm going to climb a tree. Yeah. I can't lay down in Relo? That's what I'm... Well, that's, you know, in the Patriot.

That's where they start that, like, guerrilla warfare where he's like, we're not going to do... That's crazy because we're not going to get... And then they, like, they're breaking the rules. But you're like, it's a war. See, that's one, it's good to be small. There's less of you to aim at. Oh, yeah. It's good to be small.

I think for the most part in the modern age. Kind of. But you have to deal with people trying to pick you up. Oh, yeah. That would be insane. I don't like sometimes people be like, I forgot how small you are. And I'm like, I forgot that you are a fucking giant freak. Yeah.

Like you look like King Kong to me. There, are you happy? Yeah. That hurt me. Shut, whatever. I didn't bring up how you just want. Whatever. Oh, okay.

But yeah, a taller, a taller person. You have more surface area to aim at. Big people just die sooner too. Yeah. Little people live forever. Yeah, we have less. Yeah, yeah, you see old. Tall guys don't live long.

No. No, you see little old women and I'm already shrinking. I'm like, I'm going to work on my posture. I can't afford to lose anymore. I'll catch myself sometimes even dinner where I'm just like, my mom's five feet tall. Yeah, yeah. I think about, I'm like, you're old old. My grandma's 90.

She's tiny. No, I'm already. I'm like turning into like a snail. My dad was 6'6 and he's dead. So, yeah. Green, Angel Jibar is the only tall guy who's in the 70s. You know what I mean? Oh, damn.

He's skinny, though, too. He's really skinny. He's really thin. You think that helps? Yeah. Yeah. We'll have to watch Shaq die. We're off to be prepared for that.

We will have to. That sucks. Yeah. I never thought. It's going to happen sooner than we think. I don't like that. It's going to be your fault. Oh, no.

Yeah. Because you don't like to like the latest. That's going to be a bad day. That's going to be a bad now. Have you guys seen, what was his movie where he was a genie? Shazam. Shazam. Shazam.

Have you seen that recently? No, not Sintosy Q. I kind of like to revisit it. Long time. You like to revisit Shazam? Yeah. When that kid, he wanted cheeseburgers from the sky. That was what he wished for.

Or jump food from the sky, yeah. Yeah. And started raining burgers. Right. That'd be all right. No, Shaq had a little like steel. He couldn't have wished for world peace, little fucker. No.

Not in the 90s. He was like, I want cheeseburgers. Not in the 90s. Was there a monkey pot situation with the cheeseburgers when it was like that, we can't get the cheeseburgers to stop raining. And like people, no, I don't think of the world water supply or anything like that. Like the ghetto boys, we can't get the cheeseburgers to stuff. Can't get the cheeseburgers.

Did you know, you never seen it? I've never seen, I've seen every Shaq movie around. Wait, what are the other Shaq movies? Blue Chips. Steel. Blue Chips. Blue Chips is a great. I didn't know there was more than.

Yeah, Blue Chips. Blue Chips is a legit movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick Nolty, Shack, basketball. Yeah. It's fantastic. I love a, I love a sports. I mean, I love a sports documentary.

I love a sports movie. That's like the quickest way I cry. Oh, you know. Really? Remember the Titans? Oh, my God. Every single time. And then documentaries, I love last.

chance you, I saw him. Oh, really? Do you ever look up what they're doing now? Oh, and then I will... That's never great. Meanwhile, I'm like, if I was their professor, I would have straightened it all out. I'm really pushing this Cowboys documentary. I think these were kids who were never really forced to go to crack.

You got to watch America's team on Netflix, the Cowboys documentary? Oh, okay. I'm going to watch it. Fantastic. I met a Dallas Cowboys, I'm eating right now. I met a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader last night. Oh, I like that documentary. And Shibuzi.

And Shibuzi. What the fuck was your night last night? Thanks for the text, dickhead. It was crazy. We were at Desert Desert Five spot. I'm sorry, I'm still eating. Oh, that's a place that has line dancing in Hollywood. I like that place.

Shibuzzi was there. My friends were gaslighting me telling me that I was being racist for saying that it was Shibuzi. It was clearly Shibuze. That happened to me once with Danny DeVito. That was Shabuzi, too. He was playing his new single. Everyone thought it was just a small man. And you're like, that's Danny.

Is that a kid? No, that's true. And then there was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, but she was wearing the uniform as kind of a bit. Okay, come on. And then I asked her like, come on. And then I asked her a bit where I'm hot and wearing not a lot of clothes. But also, it's so funny to be like, I'm imagining her being like, everyone recognized me last night.

It's like you were in a true. You're in a Dallas. You're wearing the uniform. Also, that's not our age that people were like, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. That's like a wild. Nationally. That was the early. When I watched the documentary, I kept having that thought, because I thought the doc, I really liked the documentary.

But I was just like, who cares about these cheerleaders? Like, who was the fan of these cheerleaders? 40 dudes. But they're back now because of the documentary. And I'm so glad they're being paid what they're worth more, I heard. They still probably aren't getting paid as much as they shit. When I go to basketball games, I like it when the old people dance. It's so cute. Or the little kids play basketball.

Like, of all the things, of all the entertainment at a game, cheerleaders are kind of the thing. I went to a Sparks game. Yeah. Which rules. You get to sit like on the floor. Listen, I wish those tickets were a little more expensive. It's nice to be able to afford them. But they have like old people.

They have little kids. That's all really cute. Was Cameron Brink plan? I don't know. Cameron Brink? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If you like going to Sparks games, you should go to an Angel City Fire game.

Okay, done. Are they? So fun. Are cheerleaders still on the sidelines of every, like NFL? Are they still on every game? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I knew some cheerleaders in high school, some friends of mine who they did consider being a like Dallas Cowboy cheerleader or like a Lakers girl as the ultimate. Like that would be. Really? I guess we're a cheerleader where, you know.

I feel like high school cheerleaders are the most effective in my experience. To get the crowd. Yeah, like they're the ones who are the best of the job. His high school kids are so nervous. You remember, did you guys, when you played football, did they ever do go start the bus? Like he was like Not on the D team, bud Yeah

If you were like really putting in work Like they'd start the go start the bus cheer to the other one Yeah it would get me hyped That's awesome I'm gonna go look up go start the bus Yeah go start the bus So we have very polite cheerleaders Really?

Yeah Oh man He's doing his best His mom's proud of him He's learning crucial life skills He did not grow up in the long shadow Of his father's neglect well I did

and time for my no I'm great dad Ivan sure yeah nothing we collected was memories our whole child you know

mine was gone he did yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no

let's sit in it let's just feel let's simmer let's just feel it time for my third pick I'll always be there for you I appreciate it falling into the coal chamber on a steam train.

Oh, yeah. That's good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. You know, where they're like, they're shoveling coal in there, and then, whoops, I fell in. Yeah.

You're going to die. But I feel like that you won't run across that as much anymore. Unless here's a travel town museum in Griffith Park. No, no. How often are you even on trains anymore? Everything with trains, I think, is cool. Like, when people were in robberies and trains and then, like, running on the top of the train.

Yeah. Murder on the Orient Express. Oh. Yeah, that's the last time you guys went on a train. I go on trains on the Amtrak. I try, like, if I'm going to be doing stand-up in like Santa Barbara or San Diego, the only problem is they don't have a late one that comes back. Yeah.

They need to extend the times of the Amtrak. Portland is Seattle's a good Amtrak ride. That's a fun one. Is that over? Oh, I've done three hours, three and a half hours. It's not crazy. I've done L.A. to Seattle with a next boyfriend where you had to stay in the, maybe that's over access. Yeah, tricky.

I've always wanted to take like a legit, like spend a couple bucks, get my own car and just be on a train for like a couple days. They used to Amtrak used to offer a writer's residency for writers to like stay on a train for a certain amount of time. Really? I've done it. I've done it overnight from L.A. to Colorado. I want to take the Zephyr. They say that's like the most beautiful one from Chicago to San Francisco. What is the Zephyr?

That's like what the line is called. Oh, okay. But it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they say it's like it's supposed to be amazing. Shout out to Amtrak, sponsor of the podcast. I'm just saying everything is the sponsor of the box. It's fun on there. It's a bunch of old people.

It's very dignified. You can really, like, calm down. Not the last time I was on. Yeah, I was going to sometimes, it's not, go to the bar car. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was standing in the bar car the whole time. It was your fault that it was. I had something to do with it, yeah.

Was that that comedy festival on a train? Yes, the Trinidad one. Yeah, man. We knew as soon as that shit jumped off, you know, when you're like, man, man, I'm about to get in trouble. I can just feel it. You know what I mean? Do you think that, um,

you're in, like, the hole, you're, like, being covered in coal. Do you think the people shoveling the coal would pause for a second? Depends on my relationship with them. If you were a stranger, you know? Stranger? I think they got to keep the trains moving. Oh, but you're thinking you're a worker that they all know. That's a random guy.

Yeah, and then they're kind of going to try to fish me out. You think there's any getting you out? Like, if you fall in, is it certain death, or could you get pulled out? I think you could probably get pulled out, ultimately. Man, that would be in there solo, keeping that train going and I fall in. Sure, and they're not going to stop the door. train. It's going to stop the train.

Pretty tough man in this scenario, aren't you? Me? Just feeling the whole train with Cole. Every scenario, I'm a tough man. Give me a scenario. I'll tell you how I get out of it. Fortitude.

Okay, you ordered a cake and they wrote they didn't write the right thing on it. I would walk in there and make hard eye contact and say, correct to your error. Correct your error, dude. I would stand there with a slow pulse

maintaining that eye contact. To Home Depot to get a bunch of screws, but you bought the wrong kind. You were looking for wood screws. Yeah. And you got deck screws. I'd walk in there and admit my own folly. It's your fault. I'd make hard eye contact, and I would say, I've made a mistake.

Listen, I screwed up, okay? With your assistance, I seek to remedy it. Okay, you're right. The deck's not wood in that scenario? I tried to think of two different kinds of screws. I think they were the same kind of screw. He missed it because he's dumb, but you caught it. I thought maybe it's like a particle board

Are wood screws and deck screws Not different? Maybe I think so that deck screws are built for outdoor You know for that indoor wood you got Right? Let's get the next big This guy was like

I don't ever do that But let's let's let's let's It's me I'm drowning I'm drowning Oh wait no 4K yeah shoveling coal New coal chamber

And I guess it is my pick I'm for my fourth pick as well Right yes Yeah Okay Falling off a horse I think that happens more than you think you think that's so pretty modern now. And then it's subsequently trampled.

Trampled, I think, happens very, unless you're at like a dope Blink 182 concert. Let me, let me revise it because I think you're right. People do fall off course more often still. Trampled underfoot by mammoth during hunt. Oh, okay. Or I was going to say like in one of those covered wagons, maybe you fall off and you get trampled. Getting smashed is like the worst kind of way to do. Seriously.

Smashed, smushed, I can't do it. What happened to do while he was gushed? He got gushed, dude. Yeah, no, it's hard to get trampled. Actually, as a sorry, I don't normally bring up my height so much. I don't really know what it is about today. But I have a little bit of claustrophobia only having to deal with having to do with getting trampled.

Like, in lines, there's a specific line at Universal Studios. for the mummy, where I cannot see over anyone. And in the middle of the ride, I start getting, like, waiting to get on. Yeah. I start getting very claustrophobic of what if there's an emergency and no one I'm going to get trampled. Same with, like, occasionally, like a concert or something. I have, like, a trampling phobia.

Do you, does any part of you seek to befriend a taller person to be like, hoist me up? If something happens, can I get on your shoulders? Yeah. I used to, like, nanny an eight-year-old boy, and we were in the line for the ride, and I had to be like I have to leave. I was like freaking out and I go you can stay on the ride I'll wait for you. Did you stay? Yeah. You're like I'm eight I'm fucking yeah what do I care. Yeah I don't I agree being trampled I don't like it. It would be all right everything about it. Trampled by humans. Trampled by horses, buffalo. Mammoths, wildebeest. Because it's probably it's probably a slower burn than you

think. Yeah. And you just and you keep the hope of you think you're getting up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh see it even now. Mufasa. Mufasa got trampled. That looks like it was a horrible. incident in South Korea in Seoul three years ago where they just had too many people in a Halloween kind of festival parade thing and people got trampled to death damn it was awful awful

one of the worst things to ever happen did any of them have dropsy? No no unfortunately not and you're really going to get trampled you can't move to can't move you're fucked can't move well that's terrible yeah but there were no mammoths present so I'm okay a lot of Koreans lot of Koreans any of the mammoth

Nope. Cultural mammoths. Cultural mammoths. Absolutely. Cultural mammoths. Have you seen K-pop demon hunters? This is now months past. I've heard great things about it.

I've heard so many. My parents watched it. Yeah. And they were like, it was great. You should watch it. You know, my parents are watching wife hunter, hunting wives? Oh, hunting wives. They love anything with lesbians.

A little different than wife hunter. Yeah. Yeah. My mom goes, we love lesbians. My parents are watching Milf Hunter. And my wife and her and her, and her friend, Lizzie, are watching, they'll watch hunting wives at the house every now. What's hunting, why does they go hunt?

So, it's on Netflix. It's actually based on a book, like kind of, and. Beach you kind of. Waiting to ask. Yeah, beat you kind of. I didn't know. Yeah, chicklet kind of. No, it's like these wives have guns,

but they're also having these lesbian affairs on their, like, Republican, Texas husband. Yeah. Malin Ackerman. Yeah. This is, oh, it's a, it's a. Britney Snow. It's not like a, I got you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Sorry, we should have led with them. Oh, I thought. It was a show about lesbian hunting. No. Now that's... Maybe like a brokeback mountain, but for girls.

No, David and I want to go into production. We want to any... If you're a lesbian hunter, can you contact us? You can email me at big jugs rule at gmail.com, which is my email. That is your email, isn't it? God, that's right. Wait, what? Can you believe that wasn't taken?

Big jugs rule. And I haven't had it that many. You heard me. Isaac just says that a lot. I just don't have been to work out. Big jugs rule. rolls up his sleep and everything's spelled

correct. Yeah, on his side. Big Jugs rule in old English script right next to a Frank O'Hara poem. The day lady died. Yes, yeah.

Big Jugs rule. Enjoying a Coke with you and your huge fucking jugs. Big Jugs rules to marry all of her poem, right? Yeah. What will you do with this one brief and precious life?

Massive Jugs. Tell me, what is it you intend to do with your one, with your two, Big jugs. It's crazy to have... It's crazy they invented that word and it wasn't about...

You know what's crazy about that, sorry to do say this. That Mary Oliver poem, what will you do with this one brief and precious life, which you know? Yeah. Is that wild geese or something else? No, that's a different one. Well, influencers always quote it to be like, I'm going to Bali. I'm jumping off of when it... Actually, the whole poem is advocating for laying in the grass and watching nature.

Yeah. That, like, what should you do with your one brief and precious life? It's observe. Most of her poem, not most, but... Many of her poems are just sort of about sitting there and being quiet. Chilling with your big jugs. Yeah, just having big, letting the jugs do the work. Like half of her poems are about her dogs, too.

It's like, dogs are great. A lot about just staring at grass. Yeah. If this bitch wasn't staring at grass, she wasn't happy. She would go crazy. She would go fucking nuts. Mary Oliver in an airport. Yo, nervous.

TSA. What are you looking at your phone for? We're talking about Mary Oliver and her big jugs. Show some respect. And I'm on X-Bri-Oliver. I'm over here on Red Tube. It is wild that you can find AI porn about Mary Oliver.

Anyone, no, truly. I bet you looked at, yeah. Of course. Sonia's out of my ear. There's got to be, yeah. No, those are real. Supreme Court. The only, yeah, a type one diabetic.

Is she a type one diabetic? Yeah, I know every type one diabetic because I'm a type one diabetic. One of the Jonas brothers too, right? James, of course. And one of the Haim, Haim. Oh, which hate? Really. S.

I say Haim. People say Haim. I feel pretentious when I say hi. I don't know which it is. That's why I just said those. Unfortunately, I'm not like a cool music person. I like like Jaw Rule and Joni Mitchell. You're a cool.

You are a cool. You are a cool movie person. Johnny Mitchell rule. Come on. The best. Jarl rule and Johnny Mitchell. So does Jarl rule. Always on time.

Maybe not there when you call, but I'm always on time. Thank you. He still keeps it tight, right? Oh, sure. And he had that fire festival, a little fiasco, but he moved right through it. kind of effortlessly. He just kept being like,

I don't know what I agreed to. Yeah, I'm just doing it. Yeah. Johnny Mitchell started hanging out with jazz cats. What do you guys come about that? Your jazz cat? The jazz thing is you can't.

You're not going to, Cats isn't going to work for you, man. I love you. That's crazy. Did you flag that? You don't want to be a cat's guy. No, I don't want to be a jazz guy. I was watching recently.

Never mind. We all know this guy. I'll do it afterwards. I've been getting into jazz a lot lately, and I'm very self-conscious about it. I like that you're into jazz. A lot of cats are into jazz. Might I suggest count smogula?

He's not jazz, but he's kind of fun. He's kind of funky. More of a fusion guy. Yeah, he's fusion. Polka and folk music. I would listen to fucking Count Smokula. I would not expect to be punk. Turn him on right now.

Can you play us out with Count Smokula? Just kidding. Yeah, we can't pay for that. Sean He's going to demand $10 And he'll get it We got 10 bucks We'd peel him up

You got out of the counts Wet his beak a little bit Drawn and quartered That's of course Now I've never seen Braveheart But that's what happens to him right I'm not going to tell you shit I think I know that's what happens

No No Maybe Yes Does he have dysentaria One of those three Is it one of the things we've said He gets diarrhea

Yeah dropsy Yeah from an arrow to the Knuck. Drawn and quartered just in so buck that, I mean, I know that was more of a torture, but it was still death. Unless this happened into a rotissory chicken, and then it's pretty great. Mm-hmm. Did they really just tie four horses to you?

Is that what it was? I don't know how often being drawn a quarter. And then each one, they spook them, and each one goes its own direction. And they just rip you. Yeah, they rip you in, yeah, they rip you in quarters. It's one of those things where I'm like, how often did this happen? Yeah. It might have only happened, like, twice.

But it made such an impact Anciently ordained in England 1283 for the crime of treason God, that's a First he was drawn that is tied to a horse And dragged to the gallows And then the so-called hurdle or sledge I feel like if you were me

I would be like listen Just drag me Like that'll kill like Yeah Although that's a slower death So just yeah you don't want to be quartered Yeah quartered seems Quartering could

Okay God Let's say they only like Like one horse One arm goes. Yeah, like you just get one arm ripped off and then you're just there and you've been one, you know, one of the quarters goes. That's brutal. And you haven't been drawn.

You've just been drawn for treason, hanged for homicide, disemboweled for sacrilege, and then beheaded and quartered for plotting the king's death. So it seems like they just like kept defiling your corpse. Yeah. Like really like for the crowd. Disembowl, they just would just take it out? That's when they cut your guts open. Like in Hannibal. More of a message to everyone.

Yeah, it really is. Yeah, I disemboweled, kind of lower on my list. That's when they just, well, it's still on the list. We don't need to talk about it, but that also seems gnarly. I got some. I got a, I got a few. 1803, a dron and quartering happened for conspiring to assassinate George the third. The same George who, uh, you're named after.

You're middle named after. No, but somebody brags about that. Yeah, I'm middle named after Prince. The George from, from Hamilton, dude. No, the George, uh, the madness of King George George George George, George, George of the third. Okay. Who we've got our independence from as a country. I know that I read so many books.

So any time you're like KG3. Yeah. KG3, KG3, KG3. Mine, you say? Yes. I'm going to go with, this is, of course, specific to the Donner Party, but being eaten. Yeah, swallowed. God.

Being eaten. Could you do it? Could I eat someone? Yeah. She's a eater. You know what I always say, I guess, again, I'm a type of, one diabetic. So when people talk about what they'll do in the apocalypse, I'm like, I'll need insulin.

Yeah. Like, I ain't doing, just eat me. Like, let me be, let me be a little snack. And I'm not, you know, I'm not huge. I'm just like a little wing, chicken wing, you know? Wait, about five feet, half inch. Yeah, five feet half inch. Eat me. Eat me. Don't try to, every, like, idiot boyfriend I've ever had

except for the one now is not an idiot. They're always like, I'll find you insulin. It's like, how are you going to do that? They do it on the Walking Dead. You're going to grind up a pancreas of a pig and make me insulin? These are like guys who can't make a salad, you know? So I'm just like, get rid of me, get rid of me.

I'm ready to be fuel for someone else. Yeah, I want, if it happens, I'm like, I want to die. I hope I die early. I hope I die in whatever the incident is. I'd rather be eaten than have to, like, eat, like, my best friend from seventh grade, you know. You figure on the donor party, they all knew each other for a long time. Like, I'm eating Katie. Katie's kind of gamey.

Yeah. She would have hated this. Being eaten by all of us. The problem is you, it wouldn't, the eating it isn't what bothers me. It's like the memories later. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? I think I could eat a person if I had to. It's just like, after this is all over 10 years from now, I'm just like, oh.

You're getting like a filling. Yeah. You start thinking about it and your eyes shoot open. Or you eat something that's kind of reminiscent. Yeah. Long pig. And then you're like, then you're like, man, I've never had a meat so sweet. Yeah.

Now you've got the taste. Yeah. The flavor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything sucks. Yeah, yeah. You're, yeah, you're looking at Sean and it looks like, like smoke is coming off and sizzling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, his face turns into a thing.

It's like a cartoon. You're rubbing in with butter? Yeah. No, just try this. Like, hey, flex again? Like that side-veld episode. Kramer, thanks everyone. Get in this hot bathtub that looks like a cauldron.

David's, like, dropping in basil. Carrots in there. And bugs bunny whenever he cooked people or when people were cooking bugs bunny, they would do that? Mm-hmm. Yeah. that's right David time for your fourth

and your final pick oh zeppelin crash oh that's good that is good oh the humanity I saw the I saw the good year blimp grounded the other day

what it's saying you want me to do it oh you want David's a pimp that's what you wanted I was wondering what it really says good year like cheap tires

that's good year on it his zepplin's a blimp yeah yeah crash okay there is it I wonder what the difference is between the zepplin at blimp and a durer irrerigible.

Zeppelin versus blimp. Zeppelin is a rigid or semi-rigid airship with an internal metal framework that maintains its shape while a blimp is a non-rigid airship that relies on internal gas pressure. So a blimp can be like deflipes and inflates. Deflates and inflates. How much does a blimp cost? What about a little blimp?

Sister, if you have to ask. Like a drone blimp? Can't afford it. We're talking about a blimp that like we could go in. At least me. I don't know about the rust of you plates. I'll do be a little. the blimp by myself.

They probably got drone blimps. A Goodyear blimp will set you back $20 to $21 million. Million dollars? Million dollars? I thought you were to see $21,000. Am I crazy? No, I was...

And that was going to be a lot. The same as like what my Prius cost. That was going to be a lot to me. $100,000 per day to operate a large blimp. That can't. Helium maintenance and crew. Wow. Well, I mean, how many blimp captains are there out there? Not enough.

Yeah, you don't see a lot. God, that's a competitive job, huh? Yeah. But if you can get it. If you went to school for blimp piloting? Yo, blimp top gun would be great. Blop gun? Dog fighting with fucking blow darts.

You must, like, know every other guy who does blimp. Yeah, it's got to be like 10 dudes. How many blimp captains are in the world? Right. There's probably more people living in space right now. If you fly a plane, maybe, and, like, I could get a certificate in blimping. Like, maybe I'll just go for a few more. weeks. I'm minored in blimping. Big blimpin?

Spin and cheese. Blimps. Blim biscuit? Now I'm on blimp Wikipedia. Our blimps on Reddit. When were blimps invented? That's a good question. All right, hold on. We talking in China or are we talking here?

Western blimps? One were the modern white blimps invented. When do white guys get their hands on blimps? Dr. Goodyear? 1850. Whoa! No? It's 1852.

I'm calling it. I'm sorry. You were so close. I had to... Wow. I needed that. I needed a W. Things aren't going well at home.

How did you know that? Hold on. From a French engineer named Henri Gaffert. Now, do you know who invented the Zeppelin? Robert Plant. Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin. That's cool. We've done this before.

No way. We've talked about this. It came up on here on the show. Vernon, Von Zeppelin. Like and smash. And then also DM me if this has ever come up on the show before. Smash and like, dude. All these blimpheads out there.

Like and smash. Smash, Mary Oliver's, big jugs together. Couple Zeppelin's in a dead heat right there. Oh, man. I forgot about people saying that. Oh, yeah. That was somebody dicks. He used to say that all the time.

It's a real weird one. Zepplin's in a dead heat. Oh, yeah. That's so trashy. It's not classic. They haven't heard it, right? Who, classy people? Zeppelin's in a dead heat.

Oh, I've heard two Zepplin's in a dead heat. I don't even know what that means. For boobs. For big jucks. Honestly, how did I not know that? I want to know every way to say boobs. I should have picked a draft ways to say boobs. Have you guys already done that?

No, that'd be great. Bring me back. We'll bring you back. I don't want anyone stealing that. We did body part nicknames with Beth. Oh, so you probably got a lot of boobs. I don't have only one. She did, actually.

She said titties. Headlights. I think not a lot, though. Blimpies. Hoos is great. I'm also. Yobbos? Yobos?

Yeah. It's in idle hands. Oh. Where shot Yabu's Ali? It's also an animal house. He says yabos? She has had some major league yabos. Oh, Yobo be there.

Sweat about this. My dad's favorite movie. Shout out to Larry Silverberg. Shot at University of Oregon. Shout to the Oregon Ducks. Yobobo. Who overcame there with Western Rock at the best. Oh, they won?

Nice. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Congrats. Fuck you, Northwestern. I didn't even go to Oregon. My high school girlfriend's boyfriend right after me went to Northwestern. So, yeah, fuck you, Northwestern.

Dana's sister went there. I did a guy from Northwestern. A nice people at Northwestern. Really nice. Yeah, great school, too. Yeah, sure. David, have your final pick. Walk the plank.

Yeah. Oh, nice. That's a good one. That's a good one. I don't even think of that. That's a real good one. It'd be interesting to March confidently forward, like to really throw everyone

for a loop. Because you're tied up to, or your hands are tied. Well, they think you're going to be like, no, no, I don't want to be on the plank. You're running. Yeah. If you did that, they would think you had a scheme. Yes. Yeah, that'd be like, you put them on their back foot. You might be able to jump into a 180 and flip them off. Yeah. Or one of these. One of these.

If you had to be a pirate or if you had to work on like an old-timey ship, what would you want your job to be? I guess, Captain. David would probably swab the poop deck. Cook? Yeah, I was going to say I want to be in the lookout tower. Like the bird's nest.

Oh, yeah, yeah. See, that's your little person privilege speaking now. That's, and that is. I'm not trying to haul, like, up a ladder or a rope all the way up there. And I do have small woman privilege, and I know that. Yeah. I can finally admit it. Thank you.

Like, I tell people I'm going to beat their ass and they like it. Yeah. Um, I think cook. I think I'd like to be down there. I mean, I guess you'd be under the ship a lot, which is not fun. And did they have. Did they If anyone

Was there Fires, what were they Yeah, that's what I was They're like cook cooks as much As they just had a lot of stored I think they had fires Not on a wooden ship You can't be starting fires

Yeah Back then Is it like I bet they had fire under there No Yep I don't know nothing It really sounds like the worst shit ever

Canned food Hard deck Well like a lot of A lot of pickled stuff When did canned food start Yeah yeah that's because of the scurvy When did canned food start? Yeah they didn't know

All they needed was a little citrus Curvy's a way to die Well then they started putting limes right That's why they're called limies Yeah yeah limies It's so crazy that they were all dying from scurvy And there were like limes everywhere And they just didn't know

Only they wouldn't know Yeah they had fire They had ovens and stuff on ships did So they had fire but it was just very closely watched And you're a pretty good cook Yeah You are a really good cook Thank you very much

I'd handle myself on there You know There's a low ceiling but I'm I'd hit it. I'm not a good cook. I'd be like pickles again. Pickles are good, though. Yeah, I bet you're eating a hell of pickles on ships, though.

Lemons, pickled lemons. I think I'd be the DJ. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be all right. Just get that shit. I'm going to turn this fucking club up, dude.

A lot of usher. People look forward to poop deck duty. Sean's spinning. I'm out there making the poop deck jiggle. Any way time for your final pick? Um. I'm in between two. I'm going to go with

Quicksand. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd like to get eyes on quicksand one of these days. Where's it at? It's still about on beaches and stuff. Okay. But it's not like you don't you really have to like thrash around to get caught in it?

Like if you're in Quicksand and you start sinking, if you slowly pull yourself out, you're okay. I do think it's one of those things that when you were a kid, you thought you would come across it a lot more. I thought it was like Mario 3 where there's just. There'd be quicksand everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I think you can, I think you can happen upon it. I saw a video of some dude getting pulled in a quicksand on a beach.

It's fucking scared. Yeah. Well, of course, you thrashed because you're trying to get away from it. And the more you thrashed. That sticks you in there. The deeper, yeah. It's when water saturates loose sand, causing the sand grains to lose friction with one another. And it behaves like a liquid when it's disturbed.

So do I. So then you just go your. I get nuts. Yeah, you're being swallowed. Oh, that's not really. Oh, he was like, I gets himself stuck in quicksand. It's an influencer. We've gone way too far.

You know what's crazy? A quicksand influencer. Fuck that. You know what's crazy? I'm dating a quicksand influencer. It's nowhere in my, even my algorithm, I don't see any influence. Like, never. I'm with you.

I'm seeing women with huge dugs and, like, books. So I'm also not. Yeah, we have the same algorithm. Yeah. Has anyone combined the two? Is there like a big jug book club? I'm about to. You and I are going to start the big jug book club.

That could be a movie. The big jug book club? I think it is. Yeah. The Jane Austen book club. It's like all women. I think it probably is. Yeah.

I start calling my book clubs that. Mary Steenberg's Big Jug Book Club. I love me. BJBC. She's great. She's in the class of actresses I love that are like sexy moms. Catherine Keener. Catherine Keener.

We just talking about her last episode. Yeah. Yeah, that's where it's at, is that group, that specific group of women. Surrounded. I've married myself one, a future, you know, sort of like. Sure. You're waiting for her to get into her 60s. You're like, ah.

We've talked about often her getting a Susan Sontag-Gray shriek in her hair. Okay. I would love for that to happen. Susan Sontag-Gray Street? No, takes on my wife. I'm not going to comment on you. No. Sure, she's not good, Doug.

I'm not going to say she doesn't. Dana rules. QuickSand, great pick. Sean, your final pick. Crucifixion. Whoa. You went big. My owning my birthright.

Did you do burned at the steak, too? No. No. But I did have a pretty interesting anecdote about the amount of women that were burned at the state during the witch trials. What's your crucifixion anecdote? How many people got crucified other than Jesus? I thought it was like what they'll come. common practice back in that day right

Jean-Claude Van Damme and Cyborg he got crucified Yeah that's the base So four people total I think they used to do it Because I used to I thought it was like they did That one for G I was like

They did that Like made up a new way No that was what they did It's like a brutal way to go too Don't you like You have to like keep pressing on your feet To keep your body up Or else you you asphyxiate right?

Yeah Yeah It's nuts Terrible I can't believe Shout to the J man Yeah Shout up to the J man

Up your nose with a rubber hose Tell him the J man saying That's that problem Flubber You're a devout Christian Right Is that really Devout is a word

Fellowship is a huge part of your life Right You're always fellowshiping Fellowship I did go to CC Sean tiths for real Yeah Like he really does that

You tithe 10% right That's giving right Yeah I knew what I mean. It's giving Christians what it's giving, dude. I think he's put hands on people. Yeah.

You speaking tongues? He receives the spirit. He receives the spirit. Stigmata? Huh? What? You're tonguing it down. Not anymore.

Okay. The funny thing is I have done all every single one of these things you're described. So have I, by the way. I've tithed. I've given. After the road to. Speaking of tongues. I've done the hands thing.

I've done everything. You spoken in tongues? I spoke in tongues. Yeah. He eats pussy, Sean. Had to That's what they call it Excuse me

Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Stop talking to Shibuzi I'd like to speak in tongues with you I can't believe you were Shibuzi last night It was crazy He's really tall He's tall? He's tall as hell

He's like 6 465 Did you go to a Catholic church growing up? No no no I was very Pentecostal evangelical Christian That's so interesting Yeah because Catholics are They're not talking in time

No no No I went to a Catholic church Catholic Church growing up and it was boring as hell. It would have been fun if people were talking in tongues or doing anything other than... It's scary. I don't like it. Sure. I've done it.

It's a bunch of nonsense. It's all like that, right? Anyone can do it. It's like not an experience I enjoy it. Thank you. No, it doesn't look good to me. We had our version... I'd like to see Jewish guys speak in tongues.

We kind of have a version. I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to do it. Maybe if you're also with Boryberg, you can get away with it. Jordanwitz? Jornawitz? Borowitz.

Oh, Borowitz, David Borowitz. That could be it. Yeah. We had a version of speaking in tongues, but it was kind of a vaguely lesbian, older woman with an acoustic guitar singing Dayanu. Wait, I don't understand.

I don't know. I'm just trying to like things that happen in my synagogue. I got laws. Moses, Moshe, Moshe, Moshe Anu, Moshe Anu Mittraim, Metshaeem. die, die, die anew, die, die anew, die, die anew, die anew, die anew, die an I have the kid I gave a handjob at 13 at a bar mitzvats was ceaseless.

I hope so hard right now. He knows that he had a profound effect on me. He's going to reach out to Big Judge Rule. Please, please, please. His mom deemned me actually recently to tell me congrats on my book. Oh, that's very nice. And I want to be like, I gave her stuff. son of hand.

Same hand that wrote that book. Beat off your kid. Oh. Yeah, dude. Oh, my final pick. I'm so out of it. I'm sorry. I'm usually way more on the ball.

What are you talking about? You're doing great. It's the fucking rice cakes, dude. In those rice cakes. Rice. Fake sugar. Weird. It was one of those things where it's like,

this is so sweet, but it says zero sugar. Yeah. Something nefarious is happening. You've been poisoned. I've been poisoned. Oh, another great way to die. Oh, that is a great way to die. However, I'm going to take eating too many lampreys.

That's a lamprey? A lampre. It's not like an eel? An eel, which was the official cause of death given to, hold on. You just eat lamprey? They're so gnarly looking. King Henry I first died from a surfeit of lampreys. Lampreys.

They said he ate too many. So you can eat a certain number. But I got to look up what a lamprey They're like suction cup eels It's a suction cup eel fish Oh, because I ate eel Yeah Well, don't need too much of it

Much like too many shrimp You can get iodine poisoning Eel's supposed to rock you up Did we just talk about this? Yeah No, we did No, we did? Allegedly we did, right?

Yeah Can they see this in the camera? It's got a suction cut What king is like I'm going to eat so many of these I'm going to die? They were eating lampreys back in the day You think they just

Yeah, look at no way Like little buttholes Well, you're not eating the butthole mouth Big buttholes. You cut the mouth off? Oh, I don't know. I've never eaten a lamprey. Coward. Bob Lanfair. That's my final play.

It's a local Portland guard dealer. Uh-huh. Isaac, do you have a pick of a old-fashioned way to die? I'm going to take the bubonic plague. Oh, it's back. It's back. Oh, no.

There was some in Iowa, I think. Holy. It sounds really bad. Can we name some honorable mentions? Absolutely. Let's do it right now. Leaches. Leaches.

Oh, like being bloodletter or whatever? Yeah. Leaches. Building the Empire. TV's also back, unfortunately. Okay. That's a good one. Or like the Empire State Building or something?

Isn't that a verse on that highway man's song? What, building to Hoover Dam? That's how a guy dies, right? I don't know. What about stoning? Was that? Did they used to stone? Oh, yeah.

They stoned. Poisoned. I like to think about the guy who was the job at the palace to try the king's food to see if it was poignant. Yeah, they must have lost some of those, right? Oh, sure. I bet it was great until your last day. Until it wasn't. Because you're just like...

I bet the poisoned food. Quality of life at that time? I bet it was worth it. Hell yeah. It was like totally like, yeah. To get to eat the thing that was giving the king gout until finally it did you in. Because you also probably got clean water. You got the perks, right?

Yeah. They were, yeah. sexually transmitted diseases no one did syphilis or gonorrhea they would just like destroy people's brains and they're crazy and then they're like a guy would be acting crazy

you're probably like oh he fucks I know that because of how crazy he's everything don't you know if you have syphilis there's no cure back then because they didn't have penicillin yeah yeah I think they're just like fuck like was it worth it was the pussy worth it

yeah let's go to war penicillin is the only way to get rid of syphilis yeah I didn't know that Absolutely I know that. How would I know that? I think they died of gonorrhea too. I think they died of all the STDs.

I wrote down Committing Sapuku. Oh, committing Sapucoo. French, hoisted by your own baton. Outsed by your own batard. Oh, I didn't think of Sapu at all. Yeah. They had... That one I don't think I would have...

I don't have that in me. Oh, I don't want to do it. With a sword? It would be insane. Yeah. I don't know where my organs are. I don't know what day. I could just.

slice my intestines open and be alive. You're giving yourself a teeny prick. I'm being like, oh, my God. Oh, no. That almost killed. Well, lesson learned. I tried. Clearly, God doesn't want me to die. Yeah, I'm trying to think more.

Hanging is an old one. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure. They don't do that. Do you people get hung anymore? No. I don't know. I don't think so.

Somebody just got firing squad like six months ago. That's true. Yeah. Hot air balloon accident. still happens. Sure. You took this. After you walk off the plank, you get eaten by a shark.

Yeah. Beach landing. Torn to death by a Tasmanian tiger, now extinct. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. I had on here natural causes, but you're 30. Oh, well, there's a thing.

It can still happen, obviously. Yeah. And also, it didn't really happen like that. I think, like, people lived pretty normal length lives for the most part. It's just it was thrown off by infant mortality. Oh, rabies. Oh, yeah. Well, rabies will still kill you.

you. But now you can if you go to the hospital. Yeah, but you've got to get it in time. Immediately. You have to get it like really quick. Same with snake bite. Yeah. I'm going to put those in the same thing. Bats. Bats still have rabies. Yeah. So like if there's a bat around. When I was little and I love dogs, I've always loved dogs, but I was, I had a really kind of outsized fear and a dog having rabies and it biting. Sure. I think you used to hear about it more. I feel like they told kids about it more. About rabies. They're like, careful. Careful of a dog. You could have rabies. Um, a scheming vizier.

people don't really die from a scheming vizier anymore. What the fuck did you just say? A scheming vizier? Like a king's second? You know what I mean? Like someone who whispers into his ear, but they have like... Right, something rotten in Denmark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cannonball? You don't die as much for it anymore. That's good.

Being literally stabbed in the back. Oh, sure. I think that still happens. It still happens. Okay. Yeah, people get robbed. Pelican Bay. I was going to say, I like a cannonball. Cannonball would be good Remember they shot that guy with the Cannonball in that Napoleon movie

And I was like this about to be the horse got hit Yeah and then it was not To recap what we did take David you went first You took piano on your head Shot by an arrow Burnt at the steak Zeppelin accident and walked in the plank

Great list Amy you went second He took a saloon shootout After a misunderstanding over cards Gout dysentery Swah Wait I wrote swallowed I forgot to write the rest of it

QuickSand No QuickSand is your last one. Oh, Gat. Gout and then dysentery are two separate things. Saloon, gout, dysentery, quicksand. So what was your fourth pick? Eaton.

Was that not what that was? Oh, yes. Daughter Party Eaton. Oh, daughter party, eaten. Okay, I wrote swallowed for some reason. I did be swallowed by a bone constrictor. I've been swallowed by a bone constrictor. Someone's eating you.

Stop swallowing me. Also a great list. Sean, you went third. Geotene duel. I know, whatever the shooting lines, would you call them? I thought there. I think they're called by Settas, but I don't know why I think they're. They might be.

Drawn and quartered and crucifixion. A real historical episode. Yeah. Yeah. I went last to dropsy, tried a berry that could have gone either way, falling into a steam train's cold chamber, trampled by a mammoth and eating too many lampreys. Yep.

You know what I was thinking about just now when you said that? What berries are poisonous that we know of right now? Because I haven't learned anything. It's about to be walking around. Grabbing berries. I don't know. Going full. RFK on berries?

Which ones? You don't really know. Which ones? There's those little red kind of fuzzy ones in neighborhoods. You're not flusy. I wonder how poisonous they are. I think they just give you dysentery. I think they do.

Just bubble your guts up a little bit. Yeah. The green apple splatters. I've heard of scoots. We could draft diarrhea. The runs. The run. Bubble guts.

Bubble guts. Yeah. The green apple splatters. This is funny. It's just like. What did you do? I just whipped a bunch of green apples at the toilet. What's it looked like I did?

I assume it came from eating too many green apples But I eat a lot of green apples And I don't have diarrhea from it Oh, I thought you made that up just now No, that's the real Yeah, that's a poop term Yeah, yeah, yeah I thought that was all easy

I always thought like fruit And all the fiber and fruit Is good for diarrhea I think so too I think it gums up the works a little bit Pizza, not This man ate a pizza and a half yesterday And did you

I did Have diarrhea gas I did No more than three hours ago I didn't even too many two for ones it's a two for one you know like you see on like uber eats i'll be like advertising a two for one and i'll go to a lot of you know i'm like two for one what a deal i have to i can't ever make it into the next day it ends up being i really eat two we're two things oh for one every time you get too

yeah i did i was working at a club the tacoma comedy club once and i was like i'm going to do something really smart i'm just going to buy all my subway sandwiches and keep up in the fridge in the hotel and that'll be my meal 30 dollars on food the whole weekend I ate like four sandwiches that day. That's so funny. The tail is old as time. What sandwiches? Did you get like hot ones?

Spicy Italian. I'll eat a meatball. I'll eat a meatball. No hot. No hot. All colds. Yeah. Spicey Italian is the best one.

Somebody used to work at Subway. Spicey Italian wins all day. At the Funnybone in St. Charles, Missouri, they had a P.F. Chang's and they had two-for-ones. And I was also diarying from so much P.F. Chang's. Yeah. It'll get you. And they also had a casino. So, Funnybone, St. Charles, I'd love to come back.

You're listening? The diary was worth it. Because the casino was in walking distance, and I was happy about that. Wait. St. Louis? There's one in St. Louis, and then there's one in the suburbs called St. Charles. Oh, I've played the St. Louis. Are these all just little, like, reservations?

Or can you just have casinos now? What is it? Because I feel like there's a lot more of casinos. You can, it's peer-to-peer gambling is okay, right? So it's called a California card room technically. Yeah, they have like blackjack and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just can't.

Yeah, it's like, because that's what I used to do, right? It has to be a rotating bank technically. And then my company came in and just banked every hand. Oh, oh, interesting. But you can't have games of chance. That's why you, like, if you're playing slots, that's at a real. There's no slots in California. Or roulette and stuff like that.

You know how I get down. I'm a roulette. Play like Baccarat or like Pai Gow double hand poker. You ever play that? No, I don't know how to play those. Oh, it's fine. I only do, I only do poker really, but in Vegas I'll do blackjack and craps. But I only like, poker's my game.

Okay. Yeah. We'll have to come back and grab the gamble. Me too. Hold them. Hold them. Please. The nuts, the flop, the rag.

There's hot sir. I don't, I, that's a little farther. No, the river. I do the bike, commerce and Hollywood. Those rags. You're going to come out of those. And I was with Christine Magano, also a gambler, and a guy. I came up and said that he liked my stand-up

and I was like, this is the best day in my life. These are where my fans are. That's awesome. David got a random shout out the other day from a really cool-looking guy. Yesterday on the street. Like really cool-looking dude. Yeah, yeah, that was good.

I saw you at the store, man. Have me back to talk about jugs. Jugs and gambling. Big Jugs rule at gmail.com. I mean, feel free to email me, of course. Hit her up. And then smash and like. Sean has big jugs drool at g-gill at g-gmail.

Email me a picture of your jugs and I'll rate them. If he's doing free jug ratings For all fantasy everything Somebody please do it One person That would be so tight This would be

That's insane That small woman privilege None of these guys can say that No we can't solicit Jones No no no I'm allowed I'm allowed They let me get on a plane recently I forgot my ID

That's obviously They just let you on White privilege too Oh wow No I've done that I've done that They made a call They made a few calls Yeah

They just pull you out of one I've done that a ton of times Actually How do they verify it too? You bought your ID No, I didn't have legal ID for like They watched your Conan set And they were like, all right

No, they just pull you aside And then they like call up somebody And they ask you a bunch of questions It's like, it's not Because people lose their wallets and shit Yeah, yeah, yeah But I got caught, they clocked me Because I would be like

They clocked me I was like, oh, I lost my wallet I was on vacation But then I was flying out of SFO so much That one time they were like Get an idea You did that like two weeks ago Yeah

Yeah The same David Bory Yeah Were you going on these vacations buddy yeah yeah uh well send amy your jugs send us your picks at all fantasy podcast at gmail dot com or hit any of us up on social media shot to everyone the a fe patreon where you can find uh auction drafts live episodes uh mailbag episodes this or that all sorts of extra uh little little wonderful things to enjoy uh shot to everyone the afe celebrate at the a fes shalackety

shot to mega producer isa lee on the ones and twos. There he is. Shabuz's good friend. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout to Hajie Beat, said the dude. Shout out to Count Smokula. Are we doing...

Shout to... Count Smokulah. Huge count out to shout Smokula. Smokey, I'll see you on Thanksgiving. I didn't think I've... I've been having to do my day job in the mornings. Yeah. I didn't think I was going to have to the last couple days and I have to tomorrow as well.

That's tough. So it might not be the rice cakes. The candle... He's been burning at both ends. There's another way I'd like to die. Get burned to both ends. One wick, one in the rooter, and one of the tutor. Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

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