All Fantasy Everything - Orphans (w/ Solomon Georgio, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

Look, it was Solomon's idea and when Solomon has an idea, you go with it.Episode Guest:Solomon Georgio @solomongeorgio IG: @solomongeorgioSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting orphans. Returning with us today is our friend, comedian, writer, just all-around beautiful human being, Solomon Giorgio. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. And as always, we're joined by my friends and comedians,

Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get to it. welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything the podcast that got fucked up last night on trulies yeah man one of us one of us sure did one of us got fucked up on trueless i have a feeling and i have a feeling only one of us i think i'm accurate in saying that but i also dude to be fair i let my body hit the floor last night when i was skating and it hurts so bad it hurts so bad uh i woke up my whole body hurts so and i think i'm kind of sick so i think you have a hangover i think you might have a hangover i think you might be i remember i remember the uh when i was a kid

when i was like i don't get hangovers did you guys all do that yeah did you spin that that yarn where you're like oh it doesn't hit me and then now i'm just like no i was just young and now now they're no yeah i mean you didn't right you didn't as i think you did you just didn't i because i got them when i was really young and then i had like yeah a huge span of years where i didn't get them and i could get wasted and then go to work immediately afterwards solomon you've been you've been a machine i've seen you now and like do you get hangovers no i hire people to have hangovers for me. I would never bother with one.

A headache? You are pretty, like, you're always pretty on point. Like, at the end of the night, I'd be standing there, and you'd just be standing, like, upright, shoulders square, and you're just like, how are you doing, Sean? And I'm like, oh, not good, buddy. And you're like, well, I'll be fine. And he goes into a, he gets into an Uber to go to another party. Yeah, you always would. You'd be like, well, I'll be fine. He goes into a... He gets into an Uber to go to another party.

Yeah, you always... You'd be like, well, I'm not done. And I'm like, how? How are you not... Well, it's because I don't drink as much as you do and as quickly as you do. Yeah. That is the case. That'll do it.

Well, it's a disease. You know, it's not my... My dad told me a lot of things, but one that stuck is that it's not my fault. You know, what can I do? It's a disease. I think it's really, for me, it's just the, for me personally, it's the cocaine to alcohol ratio. That's real.

Like, if you do it right, you'll feel fine the next day. It's like you've never done either one in your life if you just know the around it was like you want to hike the night before you're like i actually feel better yeah yeah there's that weird level where you're doing both and you feel like you're not doing either how did it how did it get down to truly's sean how what's the when did it become truly's for you i know you had a cider period is that that over? I'm in the cider period. The cider house rules, my friend. I finally admitted to myself, I don't like beer.

I just don't like it. I never have ever. Could have fooled me. I think about drinking 40s all the time. And I'm like, did we like them or did I like Menace to Society? And I think I like Menace to Society. You liked 40s. And then you would bring 40s all the time, and I'm like, did we like them, or did I like Menace to Society? And I think I like Menace to Society. You liked 40s, and then you would bring 40s home. Let's not.

Yeah, I've seen you drink a 40 within the last two years. Let's not like. It feels a little warm in here, boys. Why are we got all the lasers focused on my chest all of a sudden? It's like you're playing out your best friend. I can't believe you just came on here and tried to claim that you didn't like 40. Yeah, man. You know that's your friend.

Trying to be honest with myself. You know that's your friend. The older I get, the more I want to be honest with myself and try to think like, did I like them or did I like the aesthetic? And they weren't, to me, they were always just the same as drinking a beer which i didn't i wasn't thrilled about yeah you just didn't have good taste that's all hard to get 40 ounces of pear cider hard to find a 40 ounce bottle of pear cider somewhere that makes my stomach hurt that would be dope like bougie 40s oh it wouldn't that's i think that's just called a bottle of wine when i was uh when i was younger i forget not not that young but like mid-20s we were at a halloween party and part of my costume was a 40 and i kept filling up the 40 with the keg beer and

people were getting so mad at me because they're just like, this is not fair. And I was like, well, you should have worked a 40 into your costume then. What was the other part of your costume? Problematic. Irish. I knew it. I knew it was. I think the rest of my costume was an issue, probably. Yeah. If it starts

with part of my costume is a 40, the rest of it. I think it I'm hoping it doesn't rhyme with crack flakes the rest of his costume was the prime minister of canada david it doesn't oh harsh sean you live in Portland. You could become a millionaire in the next five years off a bougie 40 company.

If like ever it was going to get started, it was going to get started in Portland, Oregon. Yeah, that's true. Bougie 40s. Do it out of upcycled old 40 bottles. They'd love that. $19 for a 40 ounce of pear cider. You should start this now. They would sell so quick.

I paid like four bucks for a 40 ounce of Earl Stevens, and it was the worst mistake I've ever made. Recently? Like in the last two, three years, yeah. Still, recently? That's recent, yeah. E40, he has it in the name. 40. I'm going to try it. I know. It name 40 i'm gonna try it i know it was bad are you

talking about yeah hurricane what are you talking about i'm talking about e40s 40 he has just like a 40 ounce i didn't know that of course he's never tasted beer before john's back in the game so bad yeah yeah yeah all right oh really what i said in like 40s i like them i'm gonna go i'm gonna have one later in my in my in my four decades of listening to hip-hop musics uh i have learned that rappers have the worst taste in alcohol yeah that's known that's a fact it is never been it's never been it's just there's nothing that is not sugary uh alizé i could i could have like two drinks of Alizé and then I feel diabetic. That's because it's juice. It's insane.

No, juice is healthier than Alizé. Like juice, it is pure sugar. Have you guys ever had the juice, the J-O-O-S-E? You ever had that shit? Yeah, I've had it. What do you think? I used to have credit at the liquor store for having juice.

Dude, I was at the liquor store by course i had juice dude i was at the liquor store by the crib one time back in the day and adam so i was there and i was writing a check i was writing a check for what i needed and as adam walked in the dude he like he had to run the check through the thing and he's like uh it says you're a code four and i was like what's that and he goes he goes i don't know but i can't take it and adam like seriously walked in the door and i was like hey let me get 30 bucks and right when he walked in he's like you serious and i was like yeah man i'm a code four i don't know what it is but they can't take my check code 40 dude that man who got truly madly deeply last night is sean jordan sean s

jordan on twitter sean cougar melon jordan on instagram code four i was gonna say at the liquor store where is that over on near uh 23rd it was on uh oh boy 10th 10th and 10th and willow ish 10th and willow in northwest portland oh no this isn't sioux falls man i was oh this is south dakota okay i left the code for back in south Dakota. I moved, you know. So that's a check on the wall situation, I'm assuming. Yeah, that's like a he can't come back in here. Something like that. Yeah. It was what an embarrassing thing that I forgot about until just now.

Man, I'm happy. I'm so happy. I've bounced so many checks in my job. I had a brief period of I don't want to incriminate myself, but yes. David one time made us delete something from the show that I said, and he's like, you got to not have that on wax.

I won't say it again. Yeah, you just admitted to a crime. You might as well just back away. I'm not going to jail for nobody. This is all satire, by the way. All of all fantasy, everything dating back to 2016. This is all satire, by the way. All of all fantasy, everything dating back to 2016. Satire, satire, satire, satire.

You know what? Everything I did in 2007 was satire. I've had good credit my whole life. So please write that down. Solomon's the first person who showed me on paper that good credit was real. Like you showed me on paper that good credit was real. Like, you showed me, like, your credit karma or some shit, and I was like, what the fuck is this?

To be fair, you were there for the beginning of my credit journey. Yeah. You were there for the moment where I was like, this needs to be corrected. It's the reason that I now have, I'm two points away from excellent because i saw you do it me dude david and i david and i went on this credit journey together i think and i was i was on that credit journey with you guys too it's a beautiful journey it is amazing wild it is i i'll tell you like just this last five minutes of talking with the three of you has put me i was i was in a good mood but it's put me in such a good mood perspective wise just thinking back why don't you crack a truly about it yeah dude

why don't you break your computers and solomon and i will talk because he's being cool if we did we could get another one immediately because we have good credit, dude. Almost excellent. I'm just happy. I'm just real happy and thankful. Things haven't always been amazing, and right now everything feels great. I'm in a really good, happy mood. I love you all so much.

I hate to blow your high, but there's a pandemic. It's unfortunate. I thought I was just being a bitch and nobody liked me i just was putting off going to the grocery store i thought wow the same year i got on instacart heavy that's a beautiful coincidence it's like i thought people had a problem with my smell. That was no, I, that's how I know I'm not a good person is I'm going to keep using Instacart even after I'm fully vaccinated.

Even though people are like those Instacart people are evil. I'm going to keep using it. I never want to go into a grocery store again. I get curbside Fred Meyer every time. And I'm like, there's no reason to ever go in there in that store grocery store yeah me too man i love the grocery store i'm like it's a lot of fun no i waited my whole life to finally buy whatever i want from the grocery store point that's it is where you don't have to dig like root for the cheap tortillas you're like i'll take these ones

that say they're from san francisco and i'll pay the extra two dollars i think once i get to my goal weight i'm gonna be back in the grocery store but right now it's just a cavalcade of stuff i can't buy and then me trying to pick between two different sorts of apples that's true yeah like i just i'm just happy to finally be able to buy cereal that's not in the big old bag so oh man that shit used to be so remember marshmallow marshmallow mateys like just give me the fucking lucky charms let's not do this i won't eat breakfast i don't give a fuck my mom would bring maltomeal and tell me like look at it it's warm and i'm like this it sucks she's like no but it's like hot cereal i'm like it sucks i do not want it multiple meals hot it was like hot cereal oh you're talking about yeah yeah multiple meal the brand though we're talking about with the

bags oh yeah i was talking about like the actual like you're talking about cream of wheat knockoff yeah so gross dude and i was like weed is gross don't church it up to me mom it's disgusting i know it's just i'll eat it i need food you know but i know it's disgusting. I'll eat it. I need food, you know, but I know it's gross. Tell me it's not gross. I'm fresh out of a bath. I need to eat. I'm not riding solo today. Look at this. Oh, you got Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice, he's riding shotgun on the podcast. Man, I just found out

when a cat, and maybe this is common knowledge, when you're like petting a cat and they lick you, I always thought it because I had salty skin or whatever, but they're grooming you. It's like a sign of affection. I didn't know that yeah they're gonna have sex with you later stop i'm involved david and i will not be having sex with any more i'm just telling you that that cat's trying to bang you not gonna happen man i don't know that rat got your uh fiancee pregnant you could you could take your revenge by screwing a cat takes me about

takes me about 15 hours to drive down there if I'm going fast. So tread lightly, my friend. None of us are afraid. No, please come down. Please. I'll meet you on the grapevine, dude. I would love to. I'm not meeting you in Whittier, but I'll meet you in the grapevine. Will you do me a favor and not introduce David this time?

It's too late. I'm not going to introduce the guy whose cool guy jokes I've sent on Instagram. I'm not going to introduce the guy who's cool guy jokes that he said on instagram i'm not gonna i'm not gonna tell you who's the g asylum on twitter because i don't need to man the man's fucking resume his cv speaks for himself the guy's david shots heard around the world the guy's name is david borey bang and he needs no introduction uh how about that i don't have anything solomon georgio's here too i don't have anything i don't have one fucking thing i'll be around denver and that's about it i got a smoker now that's me find them buying are you in denver now find them buying fish no i mean buying fish smoking it smoking ribs i dare

you to make some fish that i enjoy how about that i think that you this smoked salmon i made was so rich i think you would love do you like how rich how rich was it man it's got fucking maserati underwear on that's how rich it was wait do you not like fish? no I don't Sean doesn't like anything good I like tuna fish I like tuna fish I do I like wrap oh so you're so you're a child

yeah I bet you I still like a fish stick too I remember liking it when I was a kid do you like fish and chips? no I don't know what that is is that just fish

and fries is that what it is? yeah why would I like fish and chips if I don't like fish? because it's fried it doesn't taste it's like fried halib. Because it's fried. It doesn't. It's like fried halibut.

It tastes like fried chicken. It doesn't taste like fishy. I just feel like every skater I've met in my entire life has this like the palate they had since they were 12 years old. Ketchup. What do you like? Ketchup. Like, no, this is all I'm going to eat. Yeah.

I'm trying, man. I'm working on it. Like I make I try to make a vegetable for every dinner something like green beans or sprouts those are you make it sound like such a burden i try to have a i live with the end for so long he knows how i operate i dip tortilla shells in everything everything like i would get bottles of ragu and just fucking dip tortillas in it. We would get chicken wings. Say what now?

We would get bone. You would get bottles of what? Like dip what where? Ragu or Alfredo sauce we've talked about. Just dipping. I'm sorry. You're dipping that?

You're taking tortilla chips? No, no. Like tortilla shells. Like the soft shells. No, it's worse. We wish it was chips. Like the taco shells? I got... No, like the soft ones. No, like the soft ones. We wish it was chips. Like the taco shells? I got...

No, like the soft ones. Like a soft taco shell. Like a soft flour tortilla. That's what you... Oh, no. Who's coming home in a grocery bag thinking, ooh, what's my destiny? Maybe I'm going to be a quesadilla.

You know what I mean? Maybe I'm going to be part of a fajita night. I'm taking way too much heat for this. I'm coming home from Ralph's. Maybe I'm going to, you know, someita night. I'm taking way too much heat. I'm coming home from Ralph's. Maybe I'm going to, you know, some sort of delightful. Maybe we'll be eating outside on the picnic table.

Way too much heat gets ripped out of the bag. And he's like, what's that open jar of Alfredo doing? Oh my God. And then it's getting fucking jammed into an open jar of Alfredo. This fucking poor tortilla who was never set, cut out for this life. Spaghetti grows up knowing it might have Alfredo

poured on it. Have fun living inside the box with all your rules, dickhead. That is not a box. If the Cheesecake Factory will not put it on its menu, you should not put it on your factory. Damn. They don't know what time it is. Put it on a t-shirt. No, put it on my tombstone.

God's putting Alfredo on his tombstone he's pulling it out of the oven I'm gonna put Doc Holliday whatever Doc Holliday has on his tombstone is gonna be on my tombstone holidays, mayonnaise and fucking like whatever sort of hot sauce somebody sent you for free

here lies fettuccine Alfredo damn that's a good point about the Cheesecake Factory If they've never tried to fucking try it out there You should not That's the only argument that I've heard I've gotten a lot of shit about this over whatever amount of time That's the only time it's registered

Where I was like damn dude maybe look in the mirror No I've gone down Dark alleys of the culinary arts But I've never I've never gotten down alleys of the culinary arts. But I've never gone down the ones. Alfredo sauce is good. And tortillas are good. Fine.

I think your issue is that you just need to learn how to cook because you can still cook trash. I'm trying. But you've got to learn how to ground some beef or something. Solomon, please please and the two of you let's just let Solomon do you if I put if I were to make you tacos and I put potatoes in the taco meat would you blow a gasket or would you be like oh what a good idea let me just frame this a little bit what did I say just a second ago just a second ago this isn't this isn't I was like let's let Solomon do it.

Just consider this the footnote underneath your sentence. All right. I just pretty solid. There was no footnote required. What I'm not, what I'm not going to do is, is, is,

is like deny anything you just said. I'm just going to add an appendix with more information. Now this isn't potatoes cooked separately and then put in a taco. This is potatoes thrown in to a simmering pile of ground beef. What it does is you're giving him your opinion by the inflection

of thrown. Let me say this as dispassionately as possible. John is cooking ground beef and then some potatoes which have been cubed, chopped up, are then thrown into that ground beef. Cubed is which have been cubed chopped up are then thrown into that ground beef. Cubed is an unsavory word. Here's the thing with potatoes is that there has to be

a process to make them edible. Otherwise, they're essentially gross to the mouth. That's why I cook them in the beef, you see. Yeah, that's not what you want to do. I think that you don't know what cooking is.

Yet here I sit. Healthy as I've ever been. I'm hearing the point that you're trying to make. Healthy as I've ever been! Except for the 11 choices on the counter that I made last night. Except for that, healthy as I've ever been. I'm just saying that if you want to have your dick slapped against the wall with deliciousness,

just cook those potatoes first in some oil. And it will alter your game. I'll meet you in the middle, and I will tell you that sometimes I cook them in the microwave for about 45 seconds. Did you just say you cook them in the microwave?

Sometimes I'll mic them for 45 seconds, and then I'll put them in the food. No, that is not a form of cooking. Don't take anything from raw to cooked in the microwave. I'll take you from raw to cooked if you don't stop with the tone. Oh, you're going to throw some potatoes on me? Fry them up. You're dealing with three good cooks.

You're dealing with people who know what they're doing. I've been dealing with good cooks my whole life. It doesn't hold me down. It doesn't sound like it. Not at all. None of them have guided you. Sounds like you were left to the wolves blindfolded. It really sounds like somebody just took like a

food pyramid, ripped it in half and gave it to you and told you to figure it out. It's like somebody was playing a joke on you of what food's to like and you believed like some older kid was like I put mustard in corn. Well, you know, I'll say this, David. At least I wear a mask when I go outside.

That's not true. That's not true. You're just spreading propaganda. I mean, whatever you want to do, it's, you know, have fun at your kissing party for halloween so you know we all have our own issues right there's a lot of problems that we all need to work that is not true it because david wears a mask david wears a mask everywhere david wears a mask when he goes outside sean you should have worn a mask that would have been a

little bit less nice you know i did see somebody walk down the street the other day with their shirt over their head Cornholio style and their mask. Yes, but their mask was stuck in between their butt cheeks and it was like half exposed. So you saw someone hilarious. Yeah. You saw Jesus walking down the street.

I was like... What you saw was an iconoclast. It's the best thing I saw in a year. It was really, honestly, I was like, the fact that not all of us have gotten to that point. Yeah, it's amazing. That person's a early adopter. Yeah, I mean, I've tried it on in the house.

It's like my lime green sweatsuit. I've tried it on in the house. You know what I busted myself doing a couple times? I've been lifting a free weight it hasn't changed my arm one bit but a couple times in the mirror i'm just like fuck yeah dude and i'll flex in the mirror and i make myself think that my muscles are bigger that's what i bust myself that's part of it that's part of the process that's what i do kind of feeling yourself a little bit you don't think every every every day after you lift. Oh, yeah. This is, I'm literally, I've done nothing.

But lift each one of these maybe one time. You got to get that one in there? What are you just going to pop out? Mostly, most of, that's the biggest part of working out, dude. It's figuring out which angles you can sort of twist your body at where it's going to look like you're buffed, dude. I do this one. That one ever dude you know where you kind of use your body to push out your bicep a little you can hit the shadows too like if you're you'd hit the shadows and turn just right and i can kind of make it look like i have abs sometimes that's what sean said when he put on the black face

i just hit the shadows it's so easy to hear you because you're in a grocery store with no mask on. Thank you for not wearing the mask. Listen, we're back to telling lies again? I wouldn't dare. No. I'll get you a mask, man. I've told you. I'll buy you a couple if you just wear them.

It's not that hard. And I'll rinse your face off, you know? Just come on, man. This isn't appropriate. We're at a Chipotle. Dave, as long as you don't mind the mask having a sort of blue lives matter meets the punisher theme sean can get you like a real good price on him what you think those dipshits understand how whack that is to have a fucking punisher mask on your truck like the this the

punisher sticker and i'm just like you come on that's what you think fundamental misunderstanding of the punisher and his entire ethos. It really does. Punisher wanted to kill all the, I guess, all the people that killed his family, right? Like he was out for vengeance. Read a freaking comic book, dude. Yeah. God's sake. Solomon Giorgio is here.

At Solomon Giorgio on Twitter. At Solomon Giorgio on Instagram as well, I believe. Yeah. Across platforms. I mean, the resume, writer on High Fidelity high fidelity writer on shrill stand-up comedian extraordinaire rocked but i i would argue of the greatest outfits worn to perform stand-up comedy on television solomon giorggio owns this decade. I think that might, yeah. Owns this decade.

I'm talking about 2010 to now. Yeah. And your current shirt, I've been wanting to bring it up this whole time, and I think I have, but it's been glossed over. I love it. It's a Fila shirt. It's like Neapolitan colored, and it's so sick.

I'm thrilled about it. I have been going down this 1970s block of fashion choices. And guys, this summer, I'm going to turn it out. I can't wait for the summer. I'm really excited. I have no doubt that you will. Yeah, I'm sure of it. I'm waiting for all my friends to get fully vaccinated so we can make terrible decisions as a group.

I'm halfway there. I'm two weeks away. I'm two weeks. I get my second shot on Monday. And then it's fucking off to the guys. I get mine April 18th, same day as Young Dave. Yeah, I'm sure I'm going to get our second ones the same day.

I don't know how that happened. You guys should hold hands. I'll hold hands and look into your eyes and be like, it hurt. I've been vaccinated since October because of clinical trials. Yeah, you were in early. I was one of the early people Yeah. You were an early. I was,

I was, I was one of the early, early people that was tested on Moderna. Didn't even know it was going to be the, didn't even know it was a Dolly Parton one until afterwards. That's amazing. But in many ways you had to have known, you had to have felt it.

You feel it. You feel like you can, like when you get a shot, you can get, you're just like, this is the gay one, isn't it? I worry that that thinking is, this is the gay one, isn't it? I worry

that that thinking is the gay one. That there's people thinking that in the wrong way? And they're missing out. And again, as a Jew, I've been vaccinated since January of 2018. You guys knew all about it.

We knew all along. Take it back. I can't say it. We knew all along. I take it back. I can't say it. Do you have any, Solomon, do you have anything to promote? Anything you want people to check you out on right now?

Who knows these days? I'm currently just hanging out. Yeah. So if you ever hear me, just, if you're in the greater Los Angeles area

and you just want to spot me, I'm just about. I'll be hanging. I'll be walking. See him out there in just beautiful 1970s couture. Yeah. The beaches, the streets. The beaches, the streets.

It's Solomon. We need to fill out those other two syllables. David, Sean, you're the rapper. Not yet. I have yet to lace the track, my friend. But I will be. Sean is recording rap songs. He has written and will soon be working with a producer, a good producer.

Yeah. And he'll be releasing rap songs. I'm going to make a rap song. I'm pretty excited about it. Do you need to help out with it? Because I'm not good. No, I just want you to know. Yeah, done okay yeah just like no i just know whatever you want to like i'm look i'm sure um whatever you want to do with your career uh well this is a side whatever direction this is all for fun that's what neil had a big issue with it because she's like you're doing it for fun i was like we think i really want to be a rapper i mean i want to be but it's just fun it seems that seems fun exactly don't lie to us yeah

i'm a big talk about it and never do it person and it's frustrating so i want to do something that i've talked about so i'm gonna do it and it's gonna not be that dank i'm sure but it's gonna be fun and i'm excited i think there is a very small part of you that mostly comes it's it's going to be fun and i'm excited i think there is a very small part of you that mostly comes it's it's it is a it's it only really comes to light in the wee small hours of the morning maybe after 11 trulys will you think will you think and it's not a big part of it you're not it's it's you this isn't most of your brain or your heart but there's a small part you're gonna hit me with i'm nervous what's going on i think there's a small part of you that thinks what if people love this what is this small part heart agree heart agree there is what is the new thrift shop or something like that you know you

have to have that about yourself if you don't think that way about yourself then then do you have to you have to have that faith in yourself a little bit but i try to ground it in reality yeah part of me is like yeah this is gonna fucking blow up yeah no yeah one shot or one opportunity yeah mom spaghetti dude i'm ian carmel ian carmel on twitter instagram ian carmel on uh jewish shit uh jewish uh uh those instagram ads jewish jordash i'm on jewish jordash where if you want jordash what did you say i said door dash no dude i'm on jewish jordash the jewish jeans app if you want if you want some acid wash jeans with an elastic waistband

i do i do that honor the tribes of Israel? You come hit me up. I got you. You know where to find me. Late Late Show with James Corden. The All Fantasy Everything podcast. That's where I'm at. I'll be in Portland doing stand-up this summer. We are gathered here today not only to talk about Jewish Jordache, but to fantasy draft orphans

as suggested by Solomon Giorgio. Solomon, what led you to the idea to draft orphans? Oddly enough, I was specifically thinking of, like, I was, I don't, I, the first choice. Don't say any. No, I'm not going to say it. Because actually, when I thought of it, I thought I was thinking of an orphan, but actually wasn't fully an orphan. So I was thinking, I was, I was, I was thinking along when orphan but actually wasn't fully an orphan so i was thinking i was i was i was singing along when you were actually when you texted me to do the show sean i was

actually listening to the lion king soundtrack oh yeah and he's not an orphan it's i was so bummed when i thought he was an orphan i was like his mom's still alive damn it yeah and that's when i was like i googled i googled orphan definition and it's so harsh it says like one whose parents are dead and you're like, damn, dude. That's cold-blooded. They couldn't church it up a little bit. Disney likes to kill one parent. Yeah. So it's not even a full orphan.

You just have half the sadness. Yeah. I was watching... I'll save it. All right. I got a fun one last night. It's so hard to say fun. When I was texting Solomon, too,

I was like, fictional or real, I assume. And he goes, real's too depressing. Let's do fictional. Are we just doing fictional? Because I got some real ones. I got some real ones on my shit, too. All right. It's wild to categorize real orphans. You can thrive as a real orphan.

They're not even famous, the ones I have on my list. I'm just calling people out. It's just that guy, Jake. He's doing pretty good. My buddy Jake's been lying about having parents for 10 years and I'm going to out him today. I'm calling it remesh at the Costco near my house.

So buck. Now the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors played between the three of you and we throw on shoot that's what we do around here rock paper scissors shoot David wins the rock paper scissors champion same as

last time now David as the winner of rock paper scissors it is coming up on you to determine the order of the draft but before you do that we'll remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question i forgot to come up with one so it is like basically if you put it no no no no no oh oh i'm gonna think of one we're not gonna break tradition just because i blew it all right it's uh like if you were directing a symphony and so you have to direct the whole symphony but you can't do the whole thing at once so you the maestro as it were will go they'll kind of face the left side of the

symphony and make sure they know what's going on and then they'll work their way across the whole symphony and kind of guide in points and And then they'll get to the right side and then they'll focus on the right for a little bit. And they hang out there for a while and they make sure that the right side knows what they're doing, directing the whole time. And then they kind of scan back the same way over to the left and they'll direct the left for a while.

And then just like go back and forth essentially, but they hang out on the wings for extended periods so like uh you know go to the right stay there all the way back to the left stay there all the way back to the right and stay there so sort of like that that's pretty good i can't believe this man dips tortilla cheese in alfano sauce he also loves the symphony he's very complicated man of wealth and taste don't think a bottle of sriracha is safe i'll dip it in that if you back you back him into a corner he'll balk his way out of it i have i have got a tortilla directly in sriracha right i've got a

tortilla out before and i i was like this isn't this can't be a snack. And I've put enough sriracha on where I'm like, well, now it's like thick, so now it's a snack. I've done that where I justify the whole stuff. You were going to turn your butthole inside out. There's literally, you could literally add any, like two things to make that a worthy meal. Mild sauce and fire sauce. We'll bring home, we used to bring home

boneless chicken wings from like Buffalo Wild Wings or wherever. Already egregious. Which are breaded and sauced. They're breaded and sauced. And he'll put those in a tortilla. Now I draw the line. That is smart. It's making

a wrap out of wings. It's smart. Why would you need to make wings a wrap? It's making a wrap out of wings. It's smart. That isn't bad. Why would you need to make wings a wrap? It's fun. I'm sorry that I like to enjoy things. When you bring wings home, it's already a wrap. I'm eating them.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. David, with that order in mind, with that explanation in mind, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick fourth in the second round, blah, blah, blah, It's a symphony. What will the order of today's draft be? We're going to go... Let me go first. Do it for me.

I'm not going to do that. Come on, man. You know I'm not going to do that. Please. Please? Please? David Solomon, Sean Ian. There it is.

Hot corner. I would have let you go first. No, you wouldn't have i would too you're lying you don't think i would also yeah why would you do that god yeah i don't dickhead just don't be a martyr yeah don't be a black-faced martyr truly david you gave yourself the first pick which means we will uh you have the first pick in the orphans all fantasy everything draft and we will get to that pick right after this short break this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by schedule 35 now microdosing is an absolute game changer I have never heard a bad word about it and like we said this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by schedule 35 our partner in getting things done I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything

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Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy. Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed. This is it. If you have listened to a podcast, it's been All Fantasy Everything. In fact, we're one of the only forms of media to ever exist. Other than, of course, televised portions of Solomon Giorgio's stand-up comedy or the several TV shows he has written for, writes for, and will write for. Keep an eye out for those. Now, David, you won the Game of Rock and Paper Scissors.

You gave yourself the first pick. What will the first pick in the Orphans All Fantasy Everything draft be? Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Nope, that's the other one. He spins a web. Tell your bud. He's got radioactive blood.

Spider-Man. Yeah, that is true. His parents are dead. His uncle's dead. Yeah, dude. Everybody's dead. And he took it and he took it upon himself to make all of us safe because of it he could have been a terrible person and gone for

personal gain but like spider-man's life is fucking shit yeah he's shit on by the media and he does it out of just like personal sense of responsibility i think peter parker's amazing he's not helping his cause any at all he's like literally handing over pictures of himself yeah true yeah to the to the paper that's shitting on him still america baby i gots to get mine well with great power comes great responsibility i think we all know that so also i believe it's pronounced spider-man i think he's spider-man spider-man spider-man the spider-man jj spider-man who's your favorite uh spider-man i think he's spider-man oh spider-man spider-man the spider-man jj spider-man who's your favorite uh spider-man dave uh like as far as like different iterations like in the

movies or in the comic books or what exactly what i said i like the clone ben reilly but peter parker is great i like the classic just peter parker i guess i meant who's your favorite person who's played spider-man i don't love those movies uh anybody who's anybody who's not toby mcguire there it is enter the spider-verse was great i love it uh yeah and then the amazing spider-man the young kid was good but i thought those toby mcguire ones blew i hated them this new kid is good though i like tom holland i think the new that's what i'm saying i like the new kid tom holland obviously i like the black one but uh yeah not a fan of toby mcquire he was just such a putt about it i just did well those kind of started the superhero movies right the spider-man those were like the first big blockbuster superhero movies that weren't except

man except stop except for other stuff we are we're all aware but we're all but those superman and there were super superman and batman movies in the 80s right yeah yeah yeah i guess i forget about but marvel didn't have any movie i mean i guess there was a punisher movie in the 80s but it was bad there were those early x you mean it was the best thing ever don't you dare talk down on the dolph lundgrengren Punisher movie? Come on, man. Dolph, dude. Dolph. Adolph Lundgren. He will be Dolph.

Dolph. That's what it's short for, right? Dolph is short for Adolph? I think it's short for Dolphin. Dolphin Lundgren. Dolphin Lundgren. Think about it. He's muscular. He's hairless for the most part he's very smart he's very smart truly silky smooth for a white guy yeah just the shiniest skin that's got to be part dolphin yeah he's part isn't he like a scientist he was really really smart. He was like a nuclear scientist or something like that? Let me look it up.

Yeah. He was also Grace Jones's bodyguard before he became famous. And they were dating. Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren. I was just going to say, she'd lock that down. She wasn't going to have... I didn't know that. She's got that walking around.

Muscular sex. There's an image of them both, like, her piggybacking him butt-ass naked. And they're both nude. I'm Googling it to put it on a hoodie now. Both of their skin shining. Why even wear? What's the difference between being naked and clothed at that point? I don't know.

When you look like that, either of those people, there's not like, there's not, there's not, there's no difference. It's just like if you're cold or you feel like adding some flair to your already perfect body yeah i would usually be naked if i look like dolph lundgren me too good god yeah are those photos insane is he still on point oh my god

she's climbing him like a tree i'm putting it in the chat i'm putting it in the chat lundgren was awarded a fulbright scholarship to mit in 1983 however while preparing for the move to boston he was spotted in the nightclub he worked at in sydney and was hired by grace jones as a bodyguard and the two became lovers hired as a bodyguard sure yeah she was like i'm gonna fuck that big white one let's hire him as a bodyguard and then i'll fuck him that'll be great get him a job simply what i would have done at the manhattan nightclub the limelight housed in the former episcopal church of the holy communion working with chas palminteri what yes what yes they were bouncers together i never would have connected dolph lundgren and chas palm and terry that's dolph lundgren technically an orphan

dolph lundgren the real spider-man no his his father's the sea and his mother's a steel great great great grandfather is still alive you know what i mean that's like yeah dolph lundgren is 84 is also the thing we don't talk about he's 80 he was born in 84 dude in 84 he has a bunch of naked pictures with grace jones this is you guys see that i've already seen them all i've uh he sees them on the ceiling every morning when he wakes up yeah yeah i feel like i saw them have sex my head i feel like if i saw them have sex my head would explode like if i can probably just draw it from memory at this point like i don't need to look at a photo to see god when they have sex i bet it sounds like a car

crash but like in a cool way just all that body i've been broken so many bed frames oh yeah so many broken oh and it's and it could be either or either she's putting him through it or he's So many bed frames. Oh, yeah. So many bed frames. Oh, God. Broken. And it could be either or. Either she's putting him through it or he's putting her through it. You don't know. Like, I'm thinking, like, I'm just thinking of it like she's just, they're just fucking, like, one of them is just sticking out the car window while they're just fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

I bet you sparks come out. I bet you sparks come out of their genitals. I bet they're somehow in two different hotel rooms when it starts. You know what I mean? Oh, man. And then mean and then like walls are crashed through windows leapt through that kind of stuff chandeliers swung from i bet you they keep their eyes closed and just operate on smell the other song that yeah just automatically i bet it's a lot like spider-man turn off the dark actually

oh man in my opinion spider-man is the of the superheroes is the is the is the one you know what i mean because i love him yeah he's not whiny about it either he's just approachable he's an approachable superhero he's a good kid he has a hard life like he's going through it in life gwen stacy died like it's just you know what i mean he's always fucking up at school and and then he's got this side job like it's just like i love peter parker man oh yeah peter parker doing his best it's all i'm doing time for your first pick oh i'm gonna go for one of the most famous orphans of all times the uh please may i have some more oliver twist you have to absolutely i get it he's not even my favorite orphan in that book artful dodger is amazing but i think he's basically a rapper

he is he is but oliver twist makes it to the end and a lot of orphans don't we wouldn't know about we wouldn't even know about artful dodger who's but Oliver Twist makes it to the end. And a lot of orphans don't. We wouldn't even know about Artful Dodger. Who's a book titled after is really important. If I'd have written it. If I'd have written it. It would have been a graphic novel about the Artful Dodger.

Pre, during, and post-pimping era. All pictures. If I had written it. Just a bunch of little boys stealing shit. But that's the thing. I gotta give it a follower twist. He learned how to con. He learned how to game the system.

And that's the story you have to follow. Artful Dodger, already in the game. Knew the knew the cons you have to he was the streets yeah yeah and he can he can never leave the streets no oliver twist had a chance dickens loved orphans he really got some more to no one's surprise i've never read oliver twist yeah but you know the story you've seen oliver and company i haven't i don't really know the story honestly i really don't know the story you've seen oliver and company i haven't i don't really know the story honestly i really don't know the story of oliver i want some more that's all i know you want more never before has a boy wanted more you know what i'm talking about consider yourself a mate we don't want to have no fuss. Was it? Only it was to be handy with the rolling pin when the landlord comes to call.

That's my favorite thing you've ever done. I love that you know that so well. It's a lot of weird shit up here. It was very not in order. Food, glorious food. Yes. Hot sausage and mustard. While we're in the mood. jelly and custard nothing that's real

that's a real song you didn't just make that up no it's a real song yeah man musical no because they don't eat you know they're orphans yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't lie to you fools twist is a whole franchise of things okay how about this there's a musical there's a cartoon based off of the musical i thought it was a musical i didn't know it was a book and i know the please sir may have some more why should i worry why should i care from the barry to saint mark's i got streets this is the this is fantastic david, it's not ringing any bells. I mean, if it did, I would still lie to you and say it's not. So you keep saying it.

I'm watching that shit after this. I mean, I got some shit to do today, but then I'm going to watch Oliver. Wind down. You're going to wind down with a little Oliver and Company. Yeah, maybe tonight after I do finish my chores, I'll just like, I got a skincare regimen. I'll just fucking throw it on and watch some Oliver and Company. Thank you, man.

Yeah, Oliver's great. Like you said, Solomon, Oliver is like an empire, too. That's like... I'm surprised it's not a theme park yet, you know? Working on it. It's that level. Working on it.

You have to become an orphan in order to get into it. Bring one dead parent, he'll let you in for free. You must have this many rickets to enter the theme park i knew a girl i knew a girl who kept her dead parents in a bag what she pulled it out at milk bar one time yeah what yeah it was crazy dude that's just there have to be a pretty big bag it was yeah it was it was a gallon gallon same bag gallon it's like i think i have a picture of it it said like uh both of them in the same bag or

was it yeah it said like mom and dad mix 97 or something like that she's a bunny girl holy buckets dude let me see if i can oh my god that is my older sister was in a production of oliver in high school so i went and older sister was in a production of oliver in high school so i went and saw the sunset high school production of oliver twist starring jessica blaylock that's awesome i love it yeah it was amazing i love it i don't know starring but she was definitely in it back up a little. She should have been a star. Politics, though, you know? Politics, man.

Yeah, it's on my Instagram. It says mom plus dad mix 16. You guys check that out. Mix 16? Yeah. I won't. I'm going to unfollow you now. It was her mom and dad, and then there were some Phoenix songs on there.

It was good. Bye-bye-bye, Because I love that song. No, I didn't ask any more questions. Was it one of those MP3 CDs where you can add like 100 songs? Those were so frustrating. I remember that. This has to be on a computer. We have to play this on a computer on your tinny ass speakers.

Those were such a bummer to get. Sean Jorfin, time for your first pick batman i'm sorry i had i know we've already said it but i had that that was what i wanted so i didn't need to go first david yeah no he's like spider-man with means none of us wanted him he's fucking whiny about it dude he's like i mean listen it's sad but but he's still helping he's still doing what he can. He's not helping. He's a billionaire that doesn't feed back into the system at all to actually solve the problem from its source.

Yeah, he's just getting laid. Yeah. I don't like Batman. Never liked Batman. Hated Batman. I'm just kidding. I don't really... It's Elon Musk strategies where it's like,

you could solve poverty if you wanted, but instead you're just like, I built a tube in las vegas it's like no you just want to mollywop villains that's what you want to do that's what you're not wrong you're not wrong but i still i like them i think batman's dope fucking like i like batman's stuff yeah well that's part of it when i get to draft that's the thing is like batman has good stuff yeah like that belt that's a cool belt batman himself kind of a shitty guy put a phone that calls a therapist on that belt you know who's your favorite batman that's another question next question my favorite batman yeah that's gonna be michael keaton that's easy there's really

there's gotta be no one else yeah i think it's easy to michael punchable face of all of them yeah the next one dude and he's fine who's the next one i don't know val kilmer val kilmer's like oh val no i wonder if any i wonder if val kilmer's favorite batman is val kilmer val kilmer yeah that's uh that's all we need to say about him i'm uh i'm uh i by the way sean i feel like i'm bullying you but i was gonna go off on that batman rant no matter who picked batman you're all bullying me so it doesn't matter uh shut up you fucking nerd see there it is there it is af email kuiper give him another f dude i know that got on your skin he gave you he gave me an f because i bullied marissa and i'll bully every i don't give a fuck marissa gave me some bad information I bullied Marissa and I'll bully everyone. I don't give a fuck.

Marissa gave me some bad information and by the way, he doesn't hear how Marissa talks to us off air. This is a Lou Pearl situation. That's true. She's been candy sweet to me. We're like her boy band. Yeah, when company's over,

she's real sweet when company's over. She took herself off mute for a second what's up mars we get off stage we get off stage and marissa's just like takes the check and then like fuck she's wearing gucci and we're all wearing fucking target brand shit dude she's eating the lobster brunch and we're all eating fat burger yeah after the show after the show in portland she beat the shit out of me with a wet phone book. That's true. There's a police report. To be fair, that phone book was dry when she picked it up.

Yeah, that was... She's cold-blooded, man. There's no getting around it. Marissa put me on this diet. I didn't want to lose all this weight. How do you think she got so buff during quarantine it was beating the shit out of us yeah Marissa put the rat in Sean's house

I'm just finding this out that's harsh I gotta swallow my pill you guys can't see but right now she's filling a pillowcase with bars of dry soap yeah batman the batman who's your favorite the batman sean keaton for days okay yeah for days i mean it's not even close he's i'm a christian no adam west is a very close second for me i do love adam i do love that old fucking corny yeah that is a fun bad man i like christian bale all those are the batman movies i've enjoyed the most he's a great batman yeah yeah i don't i think ben affleck's a decent batman honestly i think you're an absolute liar i haven't i don't

like the deep ridiculous voice, but as in general. It's because he's trying to hold, like, first of all, all of Ben Affleck's career, I'm going to question. The man is holding back a Boston accent. Let it out. Watch the television.

Let it out. Let it out. I know when he does, I'm fine with it. But when like every time else, I'm like, who the fuck is this person trying to hide? I'm ready for Bob Pattinson. I'll tell you that. I'm excited to see what old Bob Pattinson does with the role.

It's going to be dark. Oh, is he the new Batman? I didn't even know. And Colin Farrell is the new Penguin. That's pretty buck. And he looks... That could work. He looks good.

Yeah, but Dan DeVito is my favorite of all time. Oh, yeah. I mean, hands down. It's crazy because Colin Farrell is so attractive. So it's going to be fun to see him be Oswald Cobblepot. But he's got a dark energy. Danny DeVito pulled it off. Are you trying to say, yeah, I would fuck Danny DeVito.

How dare you? I didn't say anything crass about Danny DeVito. I thought that was the energy you brought into the room. It is not. And that's not what I said. You know how many Mimosas I've thrown at Rhea Perlman? Because I don't. I've lost track. my reaction my reaction to walking in on you and danny devito would be the same as my grace jones

where i just like i wouldn't even be able to compute it like i'd be like you just slowly slowly back out of the room be like get it solomon and then i'd go yeah i'd go to church but in a good way where i'm like oh maybe there is a god you know i'd go try to find him yeah yeah no there's always there was always a fuckable penguin and it was daddy devito colin farrell could only make it worse. Not to go too far on the topic, but we were talking about sex one time, and Solomon was talking about having sex with a small, short dude. What did you say? It was like the funniest

thing I've ever heard. He was like, I can't look back and not see someone. I'm like, what are you saying? I look back and don't look back. He did ask if I could be the bottom, i did allow it but it was like i generally was like you don't want to turn around and not see somebody there

oh it's a ghost story all of a sudden who's in here is that the penguin are you coming it's time for my it's time for my first and second picks as it is a serpentine draft sure and i gotta go with two heavy hitters here i'm staying fictional my first pick is one harry potter the boy wizard yeah i'm taking harry potter yeah that's leaving out leaving out all questions of his terroir where he came from was i don't uh we don't need to acknowledge that uh horrible horrible woman but i don't know i don't know what terror i don't know

what that means what's terror jk jk rowling just a real weird greater awful oh sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah just a turf and and we don't a turf and we don't celebrate her here. Yeah, we don't need to talk about it. Harry Potter. Great, great, great little orphan boy. Yeah. Orphan raised by terrible. Another, you know, Spider-Man had a good aunt and uncle.

Harry Potter, just a couple of fucking shitheads. Yeah, they were real bummers. I didn't, I first, well, I've never read them. You know, we didn't, nobody's surprised surprised but i watched the movies a couple years ago a couple years ago i finally watched the movies and i didn't know how dark harry potter the universe is like when you're into the later ones there's like yeah the rest of us readers knew that yeah no yeah no people are dying and shit no i just left right. All your faves. Except the obvious ones. But lots of faves. But like murder.

I just didn't know. I thought they were like children's movies. They're not. They're very adult. Murder at the World Cup, dude. Every kids movie you've watched in one point in your life has had some sort of murder. Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right. I think there's just this need to show children, hey one your parents might be dead i'm like actually most of it

is not the case most of us both are both it's really playing to a small audience there but like but sowing the fear in everyone i think i think it's what they do because they can't put sex yeah it's like it's like the next most emotional whatever thing you know death harry potter let me put up some stats here uh scholar sure sure warrior absolutely tried and truthful athlete you bet champion athlete yeah all right Champion athlete. Yeah. All right. Daniel Radcliffe, total dish. Absolute dish, Daniel Radcliffe. We didn't know that jawline was coming, but it was coming.

No. Yeah, it really, now it's just jagged edge. Yeah. It is truly. Hard, hard line. Let's get married. Almost a fascist jawline on that guy. Yeah. You know who looks like a young fascist is Draco Malfoy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Draco Malfoy. Not an orphan. Wait. No, not an orphan. No, not an orphan. Dude, for the Patriot.

You know who I feel bad for? That Neville Longbottom. His parents were fucking got that curse where they can't do nothing. Yeah. And he lives with his grandma right yeah neville was a bummer did you see neville longbottom like he he became buff later the actor who played neville in the movies uh-huh i bet you would have to you would have to it's like screech learning karate he still looks like r.i.p screech he still looks like neville longbottom

but yeah like but buff it's weird look at it look at the right dude no you're you're talking about the right guy yeah okay yeah like he became an adult and decided uh to take the uh the buff the buff lane and you know yeah it's fine it's fine i wish he just looks so british yeah it's there's not an amount of buff he could get that would cancel out how british he looks it's like you you played a character named neville longbottom yeah i don't know how bro you look like a tower of cucumber sandwiches there's nothing you can do there's nothing you can do mate yeah bangers and mash bangers and mash dude hp sauce hp sauce and a cup of in a cup of pg tips um that's deep that's deep british brit shit i uh yeah harry potter harry potter is my first pick

my second pick i'm staying i'm staying across the pond actually and i'm picking paddington bear a famous orphan oh shit oh from peru good job from darkest peru paddington bear uh plucked out of the river by aunt lucy and uncle pastuzo and then and then tragedy no spoiler i mean maybe a little bit of a spoiler tragedy befalls uh uncle pastuzzo aunt lucy still okay so no parents in the first place and then his uncle dies very much like spider-man actually paddington and spider-man very similar origin stories and then he goes to england hated on you know in a lot of ways but then becomes a hero paddington absolutely prison reformer you know what i mean marmalade advocate uh thoughtful gift giver hugh grant plant salir good i'm really excited about that i really am that's good i still haven't watched them i watched it because of ian and it's great i still haven't watched

paddington too but it is paddington is so you haven't watched paddington too no we we're going to we just i we didn't find time uh we you haven't watched Paddington 2? No, we're going to. We just... Fine time. We just haven't done it yet. Listen to me right now. I'll kill you. I don't believe you. I will kill you. I don't think you'll kill me. And they're making a

Paddington 3. Just watch Paddington 2. I could probably sell it to the queen tonight. Just watch it. It's Friday. It is Friday. Watch it. I could probably sell it to the queen tonight. Just watch it. It's Friday. It is Friday. Learn how to make a regular quesadilla. Yes.

With that Alfredo sauce. Yes. I'm just going to put Alfredo sauce all over the couch and be like, let's watch Paddington 2. Careful. In a real fun way. That's how you got her pregnant in the first place. David Borey. david bory you're a dirty little bird dirty little bird you should watch paddington 2 it's better than paddington 1 and i don't say

that lightly uh yeah paddington bear he's an orphan and he fucking he makes it work with his adoptive family he's just full of love he's a he's a bright shining beacon of hope he helps those people around him you know he's he's not like batman he's not a whiny fucking you know just billionaire not helping anybody paddington has nothing in his hand but lint yeah and he still extends that hand out to his fellow man you know he got it out the mud paddington bear i like it beautiful in that jacket sean jordan time for your second pick second pick i'm going aladdin oh nice do we know that he's an orphan i think so i looked and i i'm saying he is i mean they i want to say that i could say that fucking barack obama's an orphan

and pick him but i did but we don't know. He's not. Are his parents dead? Well, his mom is still... But Aladdin's mom might still be alive. We don't know. I'm pretty sure they call him an orphan. I didn't watch Aladdin last night.

But I'm pretty sure... The original Aladdin, I think, in the original tellings, actually might be an orphan. Okay. Yeah, I always thought he was an orphan. I'm pretty sure in the movie, he says he's orphaned. I didn't

watch it, but I looked online, and from what I could ascertain, he's an orphan. Nice use of ascertain. I think I'm going to give it to you on ascertain alone. Hey, thanks. I mean, if we don't want to allow, we don't have to. No, no, no. We'll allow it. We'll allow it.

We'll allow Aladdin. Allowed. Allowed. Allowed. Yeah. Aladdin is fantastic. I love Aladdin. He is an orphan. He's an orphan.

Confirmed? According. Yeah, confirmed. And he's not a whiner. He's not a whiner. He is very generous, giving, and he has a good heart. He tries to help people. And yeah, I just, I love Aladdin.addin also it was my favorite movie for 10 years so yeah i'm there's a lot of movies that came 10 years

after that that were much better are you okay favorite movie was that the only movie you watched in 10 years my favorite movie switches back it's probably every other day from tombstone and high fidelity those are in my, the two best movies ever made, hands down. They're perfect, but it just kind of depends on my mood. Those are okay movies. I love them both. They're perfect movies. I think one of the greatest movies made of all time is going to be The Fugitive.

The Fugitive's great. I think it's got Grace Jones, Dolph Lundgren, sex tape. Hails in comparison to Tombstone and High Fidelity. They're both absolutely perfect movies. But we're talking about aladdin what's your favorite song in aladdin gosh that's tough um never had a friend like me for me i'm a little sappier i like the whole new world probably really yeah i like the one where he's stealing what's that one one jump ahead of

the bread line oh my god yeah what's time just a little snack guys you know what my favorite part of that song is what i do know. Still, I think he's rabbit tasty. Had to be. Had to be. Had to be. I knew it. Was there like Prince Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali. That was funny. He is the parade in to woo Jasmine.

Robin Williams is his hype man. Yes. Her princess was a sight lovely to see. Yeah. Yeah, I like that one too because he's balling now you know one aladdin that's a great orphan man classic orphan thanks buds oh i'm so excited never had a friend like me that's my favorite i forget who uh alan mankin and howard ashman wrote a bunch of those songs but not all of them they also did beauty and the

beast right that was yeah that was the big howard ashman how do i know alan mankin is that is that And Howard Ashman wrote a bunch of those songs, but not all of them. They also did Beauty and the Beast, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that was the big Howard Ashman. How do I know Alan Menken? Is that how I know Alan Menken? He's just like a composer? Or do I know him from something else? Him and Howard Ashman, I know this because Dana's like an expert on it,

but they worked together on a bunch of stuff and did Beauty and the Beast, all the bangers from that, Little Mermaid, I think, a lot of the bangers from that. Didn't one of them pass away howard ashman died from aids yeah yes like right like right around this aladdin time right around aladdin yeah damn um but one of the greats and a little shop of horrors as well was yes indeed yeah that yeah really that's one of the greatest musicals of all time The songs in that are They're so good They're standalone songs, they're not musical songs

These songs are good On their own I got goosebumps just thinking about it It's such a good musical You could throw in a Bridgetown after party Or a High Plains after party DJ situation If it's about 1am You could put a Howard Ashman allen ankin song on sure oh

yeah i think so keep people on the dance floor the party animals are there want to have fun oh yeah if you play suddenly seymour at any point in time i am fully on board it doesn't matter what the situation is it's a perfect song standing beside me It's so perfect He don't give me orders Dude, look at Can you see him? He don't condescend Oh, dude My shoulders got goosebumps

Suddenly Seymour Suddenly Seymour Yeah, man My mom used to pause it On her face in the musical Because she's so dramatic And that when she's Ellen Green She was in the original because she's so dramatic in that when she's...

Ellen Green. She was in the original Broadway cast. Yeah, that's awesome. She's an amazing fucking singer. That's a powerhouse voice. Yeah. I love that. I love that.

Aladdin. Yeah, Aladdin. Good pick. All right, Aladdin. Thanks, bud. Orphaned. Oh, yeah. That means it is time for Solomon Georgiou's second pick.

I'm going a funky ass route it's a character we all know but we didn't realize was an orphan because it's part of his backstory in that they just decided to add for no good reason and that is chuck e cheese what what what's the backstory entertainment cheese i love it E cheese. What? What? What? Charles Entertainment Cheese. I love it that it's entertainment, by the way. I don't know if everybody knows that. Chuck E. Cheese is an orphan? Charles Entertainment Cheese. There's a whole childhood book about him, too, as well. It's an online book where they give him his history.

Literally starts off with, once upon a time, a little mouse moved into the saint marinara's saint marinara's orphanage even though i'm jewish i do have a giant painting of saint marinara in my house by the way he loved to play games with all the other orphans but most of all chucky loved learning to play music. He especially loved the song Happy Birthday. Holy. That's one of the best

picks ever on this show. I think. Charles Entertainment Chief. This is too much. You should hear this next paragraph because it is muah. St. Marinera's? Because Chucky was an orphan, no one knew when his birthday was. So he never had a birthday party of his own.

Oh, when he goes back and he hunts all the children. They just didn't pick a day. They couldn't. The fucking St. Marinera's couldn't pick a day. What a horrible orphanage. They didn't just. Oh, my God. Give him August 12th.

August 12th. Why not? You don't get a birthday, you little bastard. We got to stop this podcast and go write the Chuck E. Cheese biopic. It has to be done. It has to be done. Oh, my gosh. That's crazy.

I think that Adam Driver could play him. Yeah, honestly. Oh, my God. crazy i think that adam driver could play him yeah honestly oh we can do it like that bob dylan movie where a bunch of different hairless actors take turns playing charles entertainment charles entertainment cheese give charlize theron a couple bites of the apple i did not know i didn't know most of what you just said that's so rad i didn't know any charles entertainment chief that's gonna that's gonna fuck me up for a minute i'm gonna drop the it's it's i'm gonna drop the online book into the chat so you guys are familiar with it in for future references but yeah there's a whole there's a whole book with a with chucky cheese's uh

background story that's his origin story. And that's why he wants kids to celebrate their birthdays there. Because he never got one. See, that's how you fucking do it. That's how you be an orphan. That's the Spider-Man route and not the Batman route. And Sean, I swear to God, that's not personal. It's still a great pick.

You're not wrong. Yeah, Batman's rough. But also, it is the beginnings of a serial killer story. Yeah, that's true. Oh, he can animatronics. We're once alive. You know what I mean? Those aren't robots. Those are stuffed creatures.

Chuck E. Cheese. Everything in Chuck E. Cheese is two steps away from becoming a murder machine. That is easily the truth. You could easily set up a sauce situation in a Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah. It's just one, two measures here and there. You don't have to try that hard. Charles Entertainment Cheese.

I have some breaking news. What's up? Did Beetlejuice get out? No, Beetlejuice did not get out. Okay. The whole third movie in the Aladdin franchise is about his dad coming back. His dad

is the prince of the 40 thieves and it's about the two of them bonding. Did he think he was an orphan? He did think he was an orphan. I didn't even know there was a third. I didn't know there was a second movie. I didn't know there was more than one Aladdin. Shuey, do we have to strike it from the record since he's not an orphan?

No, but I would like a female Kuiper to consider it. Yeah, give Ian an F because I picked it. To be fair, who all watched Aladdin 3? Only my girlfriend who just stormed into the room like the president had died. To inform me that indeed there was a third Aladdin. Robin Williams was in, even though

he wasn't in the second one. Wait, I'm not in for the third one. Yes, he was. Wow, that must have been a favor. It must have been a good check. Wait, hold on, baby. What's the story about the painting and Robin Williams? Oh, yeah, he was really mad

that they merchandised the genie. Okay, so they... Robin Williams didn't get any merchandising on the genie because he didn't want them... He didn't want Disney to merchandise the genie, but they did. And so he wasn't in the second one because he was pissed. So he sat out the sequel to Aladdin

because he was pissed and didn't want to do it because he was mad at Disney. And Katzenberg bought him a legit Picasso. And Katzenberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg then bought him a Picasso as an apology and he was in the third one. Yeah. Oh, wow. But also, you don't want to merchandise a Disney character. That's not going to happen. It's insane.

I know. What are you thinking? That is, what the fuck? Maybe the most famous Disney character. That's, yeah to happen. It's insane. I know. What are you thinking? That is, what the fuck? Maybe the most famous Disney character. That's, yeah, that's harsh. Hey, do you guys want to just say fuck you to a billion dollar industry? Billions of dollars. Do you want to make every child in this country unhappy as hell right now?

Right. They're like, I want a genie toy. They don't exist. It's the one toy that doesn't exist like chucky cheese's birthday it ain't real understand how many not like how many fucking fake genie like yeah those knockoffs would be around that i would have had a child genies would have been would have been like black bart simpson like bodega spider-Man pinata level.

Oh, man. Spider-Man, dude. David, time for your... Chuck E. Cheese, excellent pick. David, time for your second and third picks. Second pick, iced tea. Just because... I had at the very bottom of my list i was like anybody who's like 60 he just falls because his parents probably died naturally

when he was just funny because he's so old just the way you said it well i love iced tea have i not talked about this you know my favorite iced tea story that you've told us on this is that he thought rappers used real guns and like their actual girlfriends for like their album art so he had real guns and his actual girlfriend yeah that's his uzi and that's his girl yeah i mean iced tea i can break down why i love iced tea though i personally think that life is about distance traveled whether it be emotionally or whatever and ice tea went from just being an orphan in south or in i think in new jersey came to south central he was like a green beret for a

while he was into pimping he was a jewel thief and then he started doing rap. Then went into rock. He said he was investigated by the president. All this crazy shit. And then now he's a Hollywood actor. It's just the man's lived an incredible life all by himself. You know what I mean? I won't argue with any of that. You're absolutely correct. He has a song called Cop Killer and has also made millions of dollars playing a cop.

Distance traveled, man. We can all only hope for that level of dichotomy you know what i mean yeah yeah that balance of a human should be honest like truthfully it is wild uh to watch him on svu because he is working in sex crimes and he literally was a pimp at one point so he's he's he's arresting pimps in this show and like, what you doing is disgusting. Like, don't lie to him. No, he really, that's acting. That is acting right there.

I think he does feel that way. To be disgusted by the pimp life when you're fully on board. I think he is disgusted by it because he's not like Snoop Dogg where he like keeps talking about it. He doesn't talk about that shit. He literally hosted the player award there's a

documentary uh yeah when was that though the players ball and who didn't host the players yeah it was like it's at a pimp it's like a pimp like a annual ceremony you gotta take the work you gotta take the work yeah yeah all right all right but yeah ice tea man i think it's just ice loves coco you know hell yeah he's in love with the coco he's in love with the coco yeah i think that's a great pick man he's a nightmare walking psychopath stalking nobody else on this well the batman kind of also he did uh he was he's on the very end of uh breaking two electric boogaloo that's him rapping at the very end see he could the guy could do anything he was also in a movie as a

fucking giant kangaroo also fucking uh wasn't it where he like they're hunting him it's john voight oh the most dangerous game yeah or wait something because it's uh it's something game but it's i can't remember what it's surviving the game surviving the game yeah yeah wait something because it's uh it's something game but it's i can't remember what it's surviving the game surviving the game yeah yeah where they hunt him he looks gnarly in that he's got like the gnarly dreads he's yeah i forget about that he's real buck in that he was also that fucked up kangaroo on tank girl yeah yeah yeah yeah i love ice tea that's why he's great that's a career i just watched cb4 the other day. He's so, these cats is real. They show me their guns, G.

It's so funny. They show me their guns, G. But Gus don't step to me. I'm blessed. Listen, I don't want to advocate another podcast, but if you guys do get the chance, listen to Ice-T on Drink Champs. It's insane.

His life is, it's insane. Like when he talks about he was he was a jewel thief for real yeah he's also the greatest twitter follow there is yeah final level game or whatever yeah no ice tea is amazing what's your third pick david my third pick is because i thought i thought that we were doing real people yeah we are we are. I mean, Ice-T is real. Oh, there's another one, isn't there? My third pick is Ray Charles. Oh, yeah.

Just another guy. I had him on my list, too. It feels so wild when it's a real... They're real orphans, man. We got real orphans in the world. know but this is like a journey once again i feel the same thing about that i felt about ice tea man he just like rich charles got it on his own at the mud i did i love i when i read his book in like seventh grade i had to do a oral report at school i put on sunglasses and went like this and had another kid read the report for me. Brilliant.

You were a showman from Jump Street then. But yeah, I love Ray Charles, man. Also, you know, beat drug addiction. Couldn't go to Georgia for all that time and then came back and now his song is the state song. Just, you got the right one,

baby. uh-huh oh baby what what i say yeah oh no i was doing the pepsi commercial oh okay yeah i love that jamie foxx won an oscar for doing a very good ray charles impersonation it was a very good very good yes but it was an impersonation like that's exactly how you get it that's how you like i think not enough people have gotten oscars for their impersonations yeah yeah man ray charles that's there it is hell yeah he lives in seattle i had no idea yeah with quincy jones quincy jones they were up here uh working together seattle had a serious uh jazz scene wow yeah that's where jimmy hendrix came from a lot of places high school is like a really gnarly skate spot that's

a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of black a lot of cities were like black hubs that people didn't know about sioux falls man nope never never even considered i don't i'm not 100 sure we're even allowed to vote there you have to be there to vote there that's really dude ray charles had like an even more tragic childhood than any of the fictional orphans his brother died and he lost his sight at the age of four or five. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's also lost his virginity in a bathroom. Oh yeah. So how he didn't know that.

That's, I mean, that's what he claimed in the book. He didn't know that. We're in the back of a bus. No, this is the bedroom. What do you mean? Smells like poop in my bedroom.

Oh, man. Yeah, Ray Charles, man. Good choice. That's a really good choice. Good job. That's great, yeah. Solomon, time for your third pick. I have a question.

Yes. Am I allowed to do siblings? What? Oh, okay. I don't understand. Not my own siblings. I was like, that doesn't... I think it's kind of implied. I don't think if you picked one that somebody

would pick the other one. I think you can take them, sure. Okay, then I'm gonna go with um the ones that ended up running the warner brother studios yakko wacko and dot okay it just flipped out this is so red this is like this is the most facial draft this is fun i thought that charles entertainment cheese was the biggest that was going to get dropped on me today. That was just the first skee-ball, dude. They have no parents.

They're nowhere. I mean, I can tell by their behavior. They had zero home training. Baloney in your slacks? Your mom won't let you do that. Not at all. They live in a water tower. They're well educated. They know all the countries.

They do. They live in a water tower. They do. To be fair, they were thrown in a water tower, which I'm pretty sure is child abuse. I feel like that's what it's based off of. They used to throw the kids in the water towers back then, and that's what it is.

Oh, God. Is that true? He's one of them water tower babies. Go back to your water tower. Come back to seek his revenge on a system that abandoned him from day one. Water tower babies sounds like a gnarly thing to call someone. Fucking water tower baby. But it propels them.

You see that with a lot of these orphans. You know what I mean? Like you said, they're educated. They're very sharp on pop culture. They know everything that's going on. And also there's baloney in their slacks. And also they went to therapy but it didn't really benefit anybody

at all. They're working with Spielberg. They're huge at a young age yeah yeah children actors they're like drew barrymore yeah i have nothing but respect for them they're young black entrepreneurs uh on the up and up and i'm glad that even after retirement they were able to come back in full force just as relevant as they were 20 plus years ago so kudos that new Animaniacs is super funny it is and I wish they brought back all the other characters

too like bring them all back Slappy the squirrel that's just a quintessential character right there I don't know why they didn't it was clearly a nostalgia play and we wanted all the nostalgia I don't think it was a lot of kids watching the new animaniacs probably well they would they did but like i don't care what they thought about it no no it wasn't it wasn't for them they'd like slapping the squirrel too yeah that's one of my

like i remember my introduction to the who's On First sketch is the Slappy the Squirrel at Woodstock sketch with the band. Yeah. Who's on stage? The band. No. Whatever. I don't remember what it was. They did a much better job than I did. But yeah, I still... Those are my siblings.

Animaniacs was my introduction to Apocalypse Now, too. And the Godfather, those pigeons. Oh, my God, yes. The fucking Goodfeathers. Goodfeathers, yeah. You call me funny? That show was so on point, right? And that Mindy baby with the dog that had to chase her and almost die all the time.

Oh, and Wheel of Morality. That was also... I don't remember that. Fuck. Wheel of Morality. Churn, churn, churn. What is a lesson that we must learn? And it just lands on some random, terrible takeaway at the end.

Yakko, Wacko, and Dot. Amazing pick. Sean Jordan, time for your third pick, baby. Third pick, Luke Skywalker. Famously has a father. Extremely famously has a father. Literally till the third movie. Yeah, but then he dies.

When he's like a man. Ice-T is a man. I mean, Ice-T's mom and dad were both dead by the time he was like 14. Does it mean that your parents died when you were a kid? Yeah, but like all... I thought you said you looked this up. I did. It just says your parents are dead.

I can't take Joe Biden. Well, that's what I was getting at earlier. Yeah, that's the thing is like anyone can be an orphan eventually. Like we're talking about, we're talking about, we want to get to the ones whose orphan story

starts young. Alright, fine. Cain from Menace to Society. How about that? His parents died when he was very young. In many ways, the Luke Skywalker of Menace to Society. That's what at the bottom of my list,

this is probably after number 11 of the Trulies, but I was like any any person who's old because i was like their parents are dead probably uh i'll keep it i'll keep it young uh yeah kane i watched menace last night obviously because uh i just watch it a lot and that was one that wasn't on my list and i was like well kane here's in one of my favorite movies menace to society a troubled orphan and talk about him for the listeners of my favorite movies menace to society a troubled orphan and talk about him for the listeners who haven't watched menace to society well if you haven't watched menace to society shut this off and go watch it and then now that you're back i'm sure that you enjoyed it

kane uh was raised by sam jackson and his mom i don't know who his mother was but sam jackson was uh like drug dealer just in general criminal. Mom was a heroin addict. They both died when he was a kid. So then he had to move in with his grandparents in South Central. And then Sam Jackson was his dad. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sam Jackson was his dad. But he died. But he died. And then he moved in with his grandparents in South Central. And Menace just chronicles him growing up in South Central. It's one of those... I was talking to Nick Harris about it last night a little bit.

It's just one of those movies that when you watch it as an adult, it's so much heavier. And I've talked about this so much. But when I was a kid, I thought it was such a cool movie in that they looked cool to me. And now I watch, I'm like, none of it is cool. It's so harsh. Yeah. Just the harsh reality. A lot of people like black tragedy porn. Well, that's the crazy thing. me and now i watch i'm like that is none of it is cool it's so harsh yeah just the harsh reality a

lot of people like black tragedy porn well that's the crazy thing is like i absolutely was one of those kids i absolutely and we used to glorify it and i'd just be like look at how dope odog looks in what he's wearing not even thinking about what was going on in their life same thing with like kids i remember watching kids where i was like wow that looks great not even the whole point of the movie missed me when i was a child and now it's like no this it's a it's tough anyway so yeah i mean the whole point of menace is that he wasn't a good or a bad guy like that's how the hughes brothers made it that was yeah well he was a product of the environment like he didn't want to do most of the stuff he did like when he stomped people out or robbed people or whatever but he did it because that's what was going on.

And if you didn't do that, then you're like branded as weak. And then, you know, you're not going to make it. So you have to do it. This summer, when I have like two months off, I'm going to do a deep dive into AFE's history and figure out how many drafts you've been able to get a menace to society or boys in the hood pick out of that had nothing to do with those it's gonna be it's gonna be a landmark study i'm like we drafted condiments and sean somehow took fucking uh dough boy we need you to watch we also need you to watch different black cinema man just jesus i've seen watch something where we're not killing each other, please. I would love that. I'll send you baps.

I apologize for enjoying the movie so much. It is a good, it's an amazing movie. It's a great movie. I think it's amazing how you, it's very cool how you like, you know. I do shoehorn it in any chance I get. This is a celebration, not a condemnation.

I'm going to apologize if you hear a crunching sound. I brought snacks for this recording, and all of them are loud. I just ate a full apple. Yeah, cane from Menace. That's pick number three. Amazing. Time for my third and fourth picks, as it is a serpentine draft. With my third pick, I'm going back to the real world, and and i'm taking just somebody who there's a lot of there's a lot of famous orphans uh like who

and a lot of famous artists who are orphans you know i think probably there's something about that isolation as a child which forces you inward to create universes but no i don't think anyone so typifies the like what we expect or like the the pop culture image of an orphan like Edgar Allan Poe yeah evermore a dark dark just a dark just a dark little man just a dark little man who's mad there's a bird outside. Somebody tell that bird to go away. There's a mean old bird outside. Yeah, man. There's a heart beating underneath the floorboard. Does anybody else hear the heart beating underneath the floorboard?

Man, I can't sleep because there's a heart beating under the floorboard. I want that to be his voice so bad. Yeah, me too. I want him to have sounded like that so bad. Somebody's killing people at the morgue and I have a theory. I think it's a big old monkey edgar allen poe the only author with an nfl football team named after him against all odds

the baltimore ravens his home of baltimore maryland the only that's why they're called the ravens i didn't know that either that's insane the baltimore ravens are named after the edgar allen poe uh poem the raven that is ridiculous anybody tell ray lewis that it was his idea big poe head ray lewis nobody knew it was a it was a artistic interpretation of the telltale heart which is nancy would do before every game um yeah edgar allen poe author died in a gutter grew up an orphan died in a gutter the least he could do the least he could do just really just really went all out. You know what I mean?

All of her twists is made, like the childhood version of like an orphan. And then Edgar Allen Poe's like this real life version. Just a dark gothic man who lived his entire life that way. They don't make depression the way they used to. That's 100% right. There was such a commitment level to be depressed back then you had to go you had to you had to fully get into it he was a hundred percent a hundred percent dedicated to it because everyone else was depressed you had to go

yeah out of your way to be the person that's like i think he's the most depressed person to be depressed when polio was still killing so many. You know what I mean? Like you really had to fucking fly that flag. You know how his mom died, Sean? Sean, take one guess how Edgar Allan Poe's mom died. Oh, consumption. That's right. That's 100% right.

It's consumption. Thanks for teeing that up. I appreciate it. That is tuberculosis for everybody listening tuberculosis yeah tuberculosis tuberculosis yeah fucking uh edgar allen went to west point po so that's my third pick and then with my fourth pick this is tricky this is tricky i think i'm gonna i'm gonna take yeah i'm gonna take him james bond orphan oh wow i didn't know he was or did not even know that at all yeah i've never dipped into the origin story of james bond they don't cover it in the movies very often or maybe

even ever but in the in the books by, uh, by Albert broccoli, I think is his name, but like, uh, no, I don't know why that's as funny as it is. It's hilarious. It's a really funny name.

Albert broccoli. Yeah. Albert R. Broccoli. There's an R. Oh, wait, he might just be Albert R. Broccoli. Cubby broccoli cubby broccoli oh wait he's the producer

women be shopping charles entertainment cheese and albert r broccoli nicknamed cubby why i also think his family invented broccoli. Come on. Don't. I'm wheezing. You sound like a dying cat or something. I thought you were joking with me. Why is broccoli so funny? It's so funny. I don't know what it is.

Hilarious to me. Oh, my God. And he's from New York. He's not even from the UK. Okay, what it is. Hilarious to me. Oh my God. And he was, and he's from New York. He's not even from the UK. Okay. Here it is. Albert Romello broccoli was born in 1909. The son of immigrants from Calabria.

He was nicknamed Cubby because he was a chubby child. The family was in the vegetable business. And Mr. Broccoli said one of his uncles brought the first broccoli seeds into the U S in the 1870s. Mr. Broccoli. Excuse me, Mr. Broccoli.

I love your book, Mr. Broccoli. Mr. Broccoli? Okay, I think he might just be the producer. Was his middle name Romello? Is that what you said? Albert Romello Broccoli? Yeah, he was a producer. He was a producer.

Yeah, the guy who wrote it was... Hold on. It's... Yeah, I was like, this is not right. Ian Fleming. There we go. There we go. He was a producer. The guy who wrote it was... Hold on. Ian Fleming. James Bond is a fucking orphan. He's a fucking orphan.

I don't know why I said it like that. He's a fucking orphan. All right? I'm a fucking orphan! This is James Bond as played by Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti. Alright, I'm a fucking orphan, okay?

And I've been fucking my way through the UK because of it, alright? I'm not happy. Is that what you want to hear? I'm not happy, alright? But I got a license to kill. And I'm gonna fucking use it, okay? I'm gonna go to Monaco, and I'm gonna fuck however license to kill and i'm gonna fucking use it okay i'm gonna go to monaco and i'm gonna fuck however i want i'm gonna go fucking kill goldfinger i'm gonna go to monaco uh yeah james bond oh my god uh out there you know for and really m becomes his mom

she's kind of a surrogate mother for him. Oh, man, that's funny. That's a weird relationship. Yeah, it's broad. Your boss is your mom. Your mom is your boss. Mommy boss. Whatever situation I can get into.

Whatever you want, mommy boss. Yeah, I'll do it for you. That's my James Bond. Shaken answer. Oh, yeah. Sign me up. This sure is a good time. He's his own cue.

I'm having fun. Okay, that's my pick. And now it is time for... Sean, your fourth pick. My fourth pick. David Ames from Vanilla Sky. Tom Cruise's character. I love that movie.

And I'm not going to win this draft. We've established that. So I'm just going personal. The most polar opposite movies. Menace to Society. And then Vanilla Sky. White Sky. I've never seen Vanilla Sky.

I love it. I think it's great. Big fan of Tommy. But yeah, he's an orphan. And I don't know. Just a good movie. Jason Lee's in it. Jason Lee gets all my love forever.

What's the synopsis of Vanilla Sky? all all my love forever what's the uh what's the synopsis of vanilla sky he tom cruise is uh he inherits uh like a magazine from his dad like kind of like the kind of like time magazine but it's fictional so his parents die when he was young in a car crash he inherits this whole uh corporation and then he uh is like seeing cameron diaz in the movie but he thinks they're just like sex buddies and then he kind of falls in love with penelope cruz cameron diaz getsz in the movie but he thinks they're just like sex buddies and then he kind of falls in love with Penelope Cruz Cameron Diaz gets him in the car and then like crashes it off a bridge

and then it messes up his face so he has a bunch of operations and things and then unbeknownst to him he like blacks out one night and then he finds this corporation online that can like put you in a cryogenic state and give you like a lucid dream while you're frozen and then at the end of the movie he realizes that he's in a dream and then he's faced with the choice to be woken up into the real world or continue with the dream and he wakes up in the real world

and then the movie ends it's a fun movie i enjoy it uh but yeah he's an orphan you guys are murdering my pics so it's it's yeah it doesn't even compare. His dad dies when he was an adult or a kid? He was a kid. We've established that they need to be children. Are we sure? Because, wait, are we sure he's an orphan? Because we might have just chosen his dad to be dead in his dream. No, that happens when he's an adult, Playboy.

Okay. He's definitely a child. Adult orphans. I'm not murdering this pick. I just never seen Vanilla Sky. No, I'm saying you guys are murdering I just never seen vanilla sky. I'm no, I'm saying you guys are murdering, uh,

the draft in general. Yes, this isn't, I'm not thriving in this draft. I've realized off strong. You took Batman and Aladdin, dude. And then it just,

and then the, the, you tried to take Luke Skywalker. You got over your skis a little bit. And then it was a yard sale situation. Uh, yeah, Tom Cruise and vanilla sky, David Ames. All all right solomon time for your fourth pick yeah i'm gonna go ahead and just pick my favorite x-men slash mutant and that would be storm or

monroe from kenya the white haired lightning queen herself she's the she's the best yeah weather manipulation what does that even mean? I would ruin so many people's days. Oh my God. You could just go ruin weddings. Yeah, it would be intense. Or you could make weddings happen. If it was going to get rained out, you could clear the clouds up if you wanted to be cool.

No. Who do you think I like that I would do that for? I like to think that you would allow my wedding to happen on a cloudy day. If your wedding's in October in the Northwest, it is your fault. I am not going to do nothing about nothing. That is true. Are we thinking October? When do we think that wedding's going to happen? Spring.

Oh, spring. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm not going to... If you're going to have a wedding in the spring in the Pacific Northwest, I guarantee nothing either. Let's go ahead and have that end to us. Yeah. We established that. you're gonna have a wedding in the spring in the pacific northwest i guarantee nothing either let's go ahead and have that into us yeah we established that we were like for like an hour we talked about an outdoor wedding and i was like i just can't uh can't can't be doing that can't be rolling

if you want august you know what i mean august september you can pretty much i still would feel secure man it can really yeah you you you think think that. It gets cranky up here. I wouldn't roll the dice. I want, yeah, indoors. It just takes the one day. It just takes the one day. And they never, it's never been like, and it's just like, oh, you think it's not going to be today? Well, it's today.

It's today. It's 100% today. It was 80 yesterday. It's 80 tomorrow. Today, there's 43 degrees in rain. And it's going to sleep sideways all day. And guess what? It's going to stop at exactly 8 o'clock.

Yeah. You could have still had it outside because it will stop with enough time. You'll get the sun for an hour. Yeah. Because fuck you. Fuck you. Think and love storm i love storm in the animated series i love hallie berry storm i don't know who plays storm now um it's a there's a young storm that was brought into the world yeah recently but it's uh hallie berry that my favorite is halliee Berry truly having to stop doing an African accent in the middle of a movie. Yeah.

She tried and then she was like, alright, back it off. Do you guys want to reshoot? They're like, no, no, no. We'll just tell her not to do it from this point on. Speaking of getting over your skis a little bit. Yeah. But it's the most noticeable accent drop in a movie

because she speaks so ominously and like, if you're afraid, then we... And then at the end, she's like, you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everybody else. I'm like, all right, Hallie. I never knew that. I never noticed, I guess.

Oh, yeah. It's pronounced. It's the best part of the movie movie I've watched that movie 12 times in theaters because I loved it so much and my favorite part is just the scene towards the end because she doesn't say much most of the movie and then right at the end no more African accent and you're like

this is the best thing you could ever give me totally from Bakersfield this is somebody this is coming from somebody who watched that whole Will Smith movie just to hear the bad African accent. Oh, my favorite is like watching all of Black Panther and trying to figure out where all the accents are from.

Because no one's on the same page. I don't really... Please don't open me up for Black Panther right now when this is almost over. Please don't, dude up for Black Panther right now when this is almost over. Please don't, dude. Come on, Clint. You got two minutes on it. Dude, I hate it.

I hate it. I hate that movie a lot. I think it was almost anti-black, if you want to be honest. The whole point was we have a magical rock from the sky, and now we're better than the rest of the Africans. They say it in the movie. They're like, but if we didn't have unobtainium, we would be than the rest of the Africans. They say it in the movie. They're like, but if we didn't have unobtainium, we would be like the rest of them. It was a movie based in Africa,

and somehow the end of the movie was still black people fighting black people. Ah, fuck that shit. Anyways, whose pick is it? I just don't like going into it because it makes me so angry. That movie really, it was like a makes me so angry. That movie really. It was like a lot of very anti-African shit. Absolutely. Storm.

Storm is not anti-African. She is not. She is very. But the only thing that I despise about her character story is that they gave her claustrophobia for no good reason. It does sound like it's a weird box to put a superhero in. It's just just no pun intended control the weather if you were like inside and like maybe maybe i don't know but it's one of the things where it's like if you if you can find her she wouldn't know what to do you're like

that seems really dumb like she controls weather augusta wind and she will always be fine i'm like it's and you think she would be able to type mentally like i'm afraid of being in closed spaces so i'm gonna make sure there's something around me that will guarantee that for the rest of my life also if i control the weather i'm never going back inside no way yeah it's what 75 and sunny everywhere everywhere i am i wouldn't even care about global warming like Yeah. The rest of y'all can fuck off. I can live here forever. Good luck.

David, it's time for your fourth and then your final picks. We'll do a lightning round for the fifth round. I mean, fourth. I got it. I'm surprised I got her so late. I got to take the original precocious orphan. I got to take little orphan Annie. There it is. You know what I mean, fourth, I'm surprised I got her so late. I got to take the original Procrocious Orphan. I got to take Little Orphan Annie. There it is.

You know what I mean? Just spawn some of my favorite rap songs. Multiple? Yeah. I like that Anything song. You remember it was like the Busta Rhymes one? It was kind of like a cool thing to do for a little bit but uh yeah annie she's just like it's what we love in america about an orphan right she's tough but she's cute she's smart she's funny how could how could someone

have given this child away ultimately she was special and got rich that plucky little optimist yeah bootstraps yeah i love it i love it and then i just said Bootstraps, yo. I love it. Plucky little optimist. I just said bootstraps, yo. Like some sort of college Republican. Like some sort of college Republican in 2005. Bootstraps, yo. In a Vineyard Vines buttoned all the way up fucking polo shirt with a truly and saying bootstraps, yo. Oh, man. At a John mccain rally oh man i don't know what

happened to me i'm gonna have to go i'm gonna have to go for a long walk after this podcast yeah i'm gonna go move a chicken coop after this podcast well are you going to or am i going that's what i'm doing no i'm that's that's when you live in portland i'm gonna go move a chicken coop for somebody like like to where uh laura's sister-in-law is getting a chicken coop because they're gonna get some chickens cool yeah yeah it all checks out yeah it seems like something that you do with a chicken coop is move it so people can put chickens in it i feel like coops stay moving it's about to be a hard cock life for you you know what i mean yeah dude the original redhead herself annie yeah and your final pick oh uh jamie fox And your final pick.

Oh, Jamie Foxx. He's an orphan. Whoa. He was adopted and raised by his mother's adopted parents. Damn. So adopted by adopted by adopted. The double down. Whoa.

Damn. Triple down. Yeah. Jamie Foxx. You took Ray Charles and the guy who played Ray Charles on levels on levels Orfception Solomon, your final pick I'm going with one of the oldest

orphan stories of all time Cinderella That's what I was going to on my list I really thought I had a good last pick Sometimes you gotta come correct and come faster than me. Listen, Sean, to be fair, you had to get Kane and David Ames. They could have gone to any of us.

You had to get those on there before I grabbed them. Yeah. With my Cinderella pick. I know. grabbed them yeah it's so with my cinderella pic but now i do want to watch vanilla sky i didn't know that movie was good like that it's a good movie i really enjoy it all right sean time to figure out which obscure 1990s or early 2000s movie you pluck from now bambi bambi count no i didn't know bambi's mom got killed, but did Bambi have a dad? Yeah, the whole thing was about his dad was that big buck on the hill, I thought.

Yeah, I think his dad came down and was like, yeah, you're doing okay. All right. I will raise the boy. Oh, man. Cinderella was really my go-to. How about Lacey Chabert in Party party of five did anybody watch party of five well it should be all of the siblings well matthew fox was an adult so i can't take matthew fox because he was a grown-up uh i think jennifer love hewitt lacey chabert and those two would

count jennifer love hewitt and lacey chabert would count the other ones were too old to fall under this qualification but i think they were all pretty much young. I thought Matthew Fox was like 20 or something in the show. Yeah, but that's not an adult. That's not somebody who should be adopting his three younger siblings. I mean, on the list, it says the party of five, so

I wasn't sure if I could pick all five, but if you'll let me... Who's the fifth person in the party? Scott Wolf, Matthew Fox, Lacey Chabert, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Nev Campbell. No, Jennifer Love Hewitt was the girlfriend. No, she was one of the kids. It was her, Nev Campbell, Lacey Chabert,

Scott Wolf, and Matthew Fox. I'm pretty sure. I thought Jennifer Love Hewitt was the girlfriend to Scott Wolf's character. Oh, maybe. Were there only four kids then? I think there's four kids. I don't know who the fifth person in this party is I never saw that show

I love it it was so long ago but it was one of the first like soap opera type shows

that I enjoyed shout out to Lacey Chabert she really she's she's been she's done so much stuff

that doesn't get like mean girls no one's gonna like Lacey Chabert yeah killed it Jennifer Love Hewitt killed it too just in general is it Neve Campbell by the way She's done so much stuff that doesn't get the... Like, Mean Girls. No one's going to... Like, Blazer Shabert. Yeah, iconic. Killed it. Jennifer Love Hewitt killed it, too.

Just in general. Is it Neve Campbell, by the way? I've never been able to figure that. Is it Neve or Neve? I always thought it was Neve. Yeah. Wow. That's also another...

Neve Campbell. Wild things. That made every young boy happy. I wasn't going to say it. Foundational. It was... Yeah, it was real big That's how I knew I had too many straight male friends

Was when that movie came out And how many times I had to watch it And know that it's not a good movie It's when I knew I had to get to Florida By any means necessary Children now Like teens They will never be able to understand how important a movie

like wild things was because now porn i feel like it's too easy to get but back then it was impossible and what you had to like kind of i couldn't be like mom i'm gonna rent wild things again it you couldn't you just had to like or the first time the first time the first time you could sneak it past the goalie because it wasn't like painfully obvious what you were doing but if you like two or three times in it's like why are you renting this why do you want to watch wild things again i had a more seasoned goalie than you yeah i was an only child so i think your mom i think sue had a couple practice runs at being like, no. Wild things, Ian?

And the cover is like clearly soft core pornography. They're coming out of the water, aren't they? It's like sexy commando. And it's called Wild Things. No, Mom, it's the book. It's the adaptation of the book. Where are the wild things, truly that it might as well just been called titties this is what he pours champagne on denise richard yes in the movie just dump champagne on you and

you're like holy buckets dude that is i think yeah i don't even know well i was just gonna say i don't know the plot of that movie. I've seen it 12 times. I don't know what happens. He puts her underwear in his pocket. That move where I was just like, geez, dude. And he's a teacher. You do see Kevin Bacon's penis, don't you? Whole hog.

That's why I didn't get so mad every time I saw it. You got to see the Bacon. He'll let her out. Oh, man. Time for my final pick. I'm going to take Johann Sebastian Bach. out. Yeah. Oh, man. Time for my final pick. I'm going to take Johann Sebastian Bach. Damn. Whoa.

Yeah. He was an orphan? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I feel like every composer was a goddamn orphan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. His parents were like, I think also, I think his dad was also a composer. But he died. He died when he was a kid yeah i feel like every composer is like uh our parents taught us all how to play piano when we

were five and then got murdered gruesomely yeah his father was a german musician uh and he died he was eaten by a crocodile in the No, that's not true. Jesus. That's so Harley. Oh my god. He was torn apart by the Brummer Tin Tam musicians. I don't know how he died, but Johannes Westerbach, both his parents died, and then he became fucking Bach, dude. The Bach variations. Just a

classical, literally, classical composer. So that's the final pick. Marissa, do you have an orphan you want to pick? Yeah, I want to shout out the Baudelaire orphans, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny from A Series of Unfortunate Events, the book series.

Oh! They're rich. They're super wickedly smart. The baby has sharp teeth and can cook. They're just really talented orphans. Damn. Good for them. Amazing. That's like putting their shit together at a young age. They did. They did to protect their

vast fortune. David, you went first. You took Spider-Man, Ice-T, Ray Charles, Little Orphan Annie, and Jamie Foxx. Solomon, you went next. You took Oliver Twist, Charles Entertainment Cheese, Yakko, Wacko, and Dot,

Storm, and Cinderella. Sean, you went third. You took Batman and Aladdin. And you took Kane from Menace to Society. David Ames from Vanilla Sky, Tom Cruise's character. And then lacey chabre from party of five i've done i took you no it's all right i went last i took harry potter paddington edgar allen poe james bond and johan sebastian bach we left some pics on the board, but not a ton.

Not a ton. Not really. Not really. Steve Jobs, right? Huey, Dewey, and Louie? His parents were alive. He was just given up for adoption. Okay.

Malcolm X. Huey, Dewey, and Louie, maybe? J.R.R. Tolkien? Tolkien or whatever? The Lord of the Rings? I think Frodo Baggins was an orphan. Yeah, Frodo was. Yeah, Frodo was an orphan. Daenerys Targaryen, but I think she was a kid

when her parents died, I think. From Game of Thrones. Superman? Famous orphan. David Copperfield, but we already took the best Charles Dickens orphan. But David Copperfield's a good one, too. Leatherface is on that list, too.

Oh, Leatherface, of course. Much respect for Leatherface. A victim of circumstance, if anything. Honestly. one too uh leather faces on that list too oh leather face of course much respect a victim of circumstance if anything honestly honestly then there were people there were people who were like it's weird like i guess foundling is what they're called and some people giving up for like a like george like babe ruth lived in an orphanage but his dad was alive the whole time and stuff like yeah he just was really bad george lopez yeah oh yeah that's true i don't know if it's gerald one of the list one list i saw bam bam rubble was on that and i forgot yeah bam bam was an adopted child bam bam that's right they found him huh yeah

i didn't know that i forgot about the bam bam those. Those rebels. Good people, man. Good people, the rebels. Yeah, great folks. Good people. You know, Betty just couldn't conceive. But you didn't talk about it back then. It was all right. Barney didn't feel any less. Bam Bam never felt any less loved. He treated him like his own child,

even though he had a disturbing amount of strength. Yeah, crazy. Crazy. His father was the fucking brontosaurus that Fred worked on, probably. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at allfantasypod on twitter.com allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to

super producer Marissa. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to the All Fantasy Everything Patreon members. Thank you so much for holding us down and letting us do what we do. Shout out to the AFE Shaslackity. Shout out to the AFE

Subreddit. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to fucking Anwar, dude. Shout out to Sid the Dude. I'm getting more. Shout out to Yeah, you threw Anwar in there. Shout out to Anwar for sure. Shout out to Tyler the Creator. Oh yeah getting more. Shout out to. Yeah, you threw Anwar in there. Shout out to Anwar for sure. Shout out to Tyler the Creator.

Oh, yeah. Shout out to Earl Sweatshirt. Shout out to Earl Sweatshirt, dude. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shuklakity! that was a hate gum podcast