All Fantasy Everything - People We're Pretty Sure Are Aliens (w/ Sean Jordan & David Gborie)

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Happy AFE day! Our Patrons have chosen another amazing topic! This week the GVG keeps it O.G. As we draft "People We're Pretty Sure Are Aliens!" It was groovy in a far out kind of way.  Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On this episode, we're drafting people who are probably aliens. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me as always are my friends and stand-up comedians, David Borey and Sean Jordan. Let's get into it welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is back from France, but brought all the attitude home with it. Oh, oui, oui. Oui, oui.

Dive into the poop restaurants a little bit. I don't know. That's all I've been wanting to talk about. That's how you open this? We were in Avignon, and I went out for a walk walk and I saw a place called Chez Poopy which I don't know so there's a song from the musical The Music Man called Chez Poopy yeah but I don't know

that this place didn't look like it was like a joke a joke it didn't look like they were like you know that American musical The Music Man this restaurant in this tiny walled city is named after that what does poopy mean in france i don't know but it doesn't seem to mean poop

they are ashamed they're going nuts like house of so the house of poop the house of poopy and then there's another place called green poo p-o-O-U-X. Or P-O-U-X. It might have been Green Poo. But I don't think it means poop. Why do you say poop over there? Well, mail there is like mail of the shit. Okay. Let me look it up. Poop in French.

Poop in French. It's just going to show you a picture of a French blowjob. Caca. Caca? Caca. Wait. Caca. That's spanish right for poop uh in french the romance languages right they're all latin based they're tied in french and italian

when david when you went to france did you find yourself like we would like dana and i would just communicate sometimes in like not french but like kind of french like we would like drop words in here and there yeah weird approximations of the language. Yeah. We'd be like, say moi or say like just stuff like that. That's just not for, and like making French noises, but just to each other. It's almost better than speaking the language. I think so too.

You just pick up like a weird accent. I've been doing it in Canada. What is the Canadian version of that oh well like there was this guy who looked like a dxl model in my show last night nice and he was like he was like oh we don't have dxl here in canada and i was like oh what do you call it hey you're pretty big there bud well you got some size on you there huh oh yeah there a bud and then like they call what is it they call underwear something funny that i found out last night that i can't remember pants no it's oh in england they call them pants oh really yeah what i think they call them like it's like chongas or chingis i can't remember oh

god i know what you're talking about chongas chongas no no not chongas oh not chongas i know about chongas in america oh i can't i'll i'll text you guys later what chongas the buddy factor did you have you heard anyone get upset in canada yet because they still say buddy they say i mean they've been saying bud a lot but my buddy but it's like if someone gets upset like well fuck you bud like one of those and it's uh it's very fun to hear i like that yeah i like it sounds like a good mood when they're upset pants they call underwear pants in england and trousers are what we think of as pants yes that's yeah another reason i think they're backwards also fanny means vagina over there that'll never make any sense to me

something to think about something to think about i also spent some time in london so i can you know i can speak eloquently on all of these topics fanny vagina i wish you guys could see i just touched my chin like i just finished a book yeah he just like looked off into the distance he did he leaned back like fanny vagina yeah it's just that's a while but who am i to say what it's about me of all people i guess what like proper slang should be or what words you know but fanny just doesn't i don't know that we should move on from the way you leaned back and said fanny vagina i feel like i feel like that's still a ripe watermelon for the for the for the plucking dude is this a new chair or something it's a it's what's been going on with you this morning yeah you're very yeah is

it just early i got up at 6 30 it's early yeah i got up at 6 30 uh i watched this might i watched like the last half alone survivor this morning do you know what movie that is i remember that movie i read that book a while back and it's on hbo and i started watching it and it's like mad depressing and uh but it's pete berg did it yeah so it's also like a big long war episode of friday night lights so it's i don't know part of me it was like this is great but the other part is is uh like this is very sad anyway i finished that this morning isn't there a lot of guys like throwing themselves down rocky mountain faces in that movie i feel like i remember it's about this dude, Marcus Luttrella, and his

whole team that went in for this operation in Afghanistan, and he's the only one that made it out. And there's a big section of it where they do jump down a huge, huge cliff and just bounce on all these rocks. Bounce, bounce, bounce. That's how you started your day.

Yeah. I know. I could tell when I was doing it i was like this is crazy it's 6 30 and i haven't got up to an alarm in a long time oh yeah it'll it'll it'll it'll it'll shock you well i mean the alarm's usually the baby it's not like i'm gonna i'm gonna i just i just haven't yeah i got up weird the kind of mood where you say fanny vagina then lean back like you're a like you're a detective who has gained a lot of respect for the guy he's trailing and he and he eluded your grasp you're like part of you's upset but part of you's like god damn and he did it again good for him that's exactly what the fuck you gotta respect the game man you have to

oh sean i think I would say, so I read a lot of books in France. It's not a big deal. I do. That's just one of the things I do. It's just one of the things I do. I think you would love the novelization of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Oh, I absolutely would. You got to get your hands on it. I have to read Dana's book before your wedding i have to there's no excuse laura's dad has read it it won't come up at the wedding she's gonna have other stuff on her plate she's gonna have a whole bunch of stuff personally i it's just it's i have to do isn't that that's crazy if one of you ever writes a book i'll read it yeah yeah i gotta read her book she's in the family I gotta do it as soon as we're done I'm gonna like as soon as like it's the mazel tov we step on the glass I'm gonna look at you and

say have you read my wife's book have you read my wife's book wife is a lot more like wife is a sledgehammer dude I'm gonna be on my phone the whole time so I won't notice when you're saying that are you gonna cry at Ian's wedding Sean I i'm gonna cry at ian's bachelor party am i gonna cry oh you're crying my bachelor party but because you held it down at your wedding so strong now i'm like are you gonna keep that going or there's because there's so much going on no no i'll be i'll be i'll be half popped by the time the wedding starts at ian's so yeah i'll be what isn't it like 11 a.m i I mean, no, it's like 4. You can hold off until cocktail hour to start drinking, you know? No. I'm going to get up.

I'm going to rewatch. I'm going to get up, watch Lone Survivor, shotgun a bunch of white claws. And then Laurel will get up because I'm going to get up at 4 in the morning. You're going to watch the first half of Lone Survivor, which I like to think you haven't seen like you just woke up today at 6 30 and watch the second half alone survivor well i'm gonna listen to lone survivor i'm gonna i'm just gonna get the audio i'm gonna listen to it while i go to barney's beanery yeah west hollywood yeah before they open sit outside shotgun some white claws and then and then we'll just see where the day takes me well you gotta get some irish nachos yeah yeah i don't know why but i feel like i'm gonna get like some kind of weird inappropriate

meal for the weather with malloy before your wedding yeah he's gonna be like oh it's like 2 p.m and it's hot out let's go get a shepherd's pie before let's go get a shepherd's pie it's gonna be 94 degrees that you guys are gonna be eating lasagna at an outdoor table yeah yeah let's let's wash it down with some room temperature vegan water and a cigar you know i could go for some meatballs and it's this place that we hold that does one giant meatball for the table i don't know why my malloy is very vast in a i don't have a malloy mike if you're listening to this i'm sorry but i'm not it's because this is like it's like hard to peg because it is very boston-y i don't have a malloy mike if you're listening to this i'm sorry but i'm not it's because this is like it's like hard to peg because it is very massachusetts but it like isn't at the same time he rides a strange line he does write a strange line the straightforwardness

is the boston accent that mike has the straight to the point it might not be how the words sound but it's how they it's how they're delivered but there's also a little there's also a susan if you'll allow me the liberty to use that word uh freshly returned from france uh there is like a little bit of the boston accent in there he's definitely got some kind of like them apples or he calls everybody kid or like it's all there he's a he's a classic walberg and i think he'd agree with that is that mike below when you think of the walberg think of mike mulloy speaking of walberg i actually watched i watched the second half alone survivor when i got up today speaking of mark walberg so yeah and i did i had a great guest spot the other night so it's all good we

gotta get you into like grapefruit juice or something you got to start your days different oh look at this look at this yerba mate man i'm out here yerba mate raspberry tea these things i used to see these in the fridge truth be told ian yeah i'd see them in the fridge and i'd be like what kind of whack shit is that i'm like what what's wrong with just getting like coffee in a can or something and then i tried them and they're so dope nothing wrong with getting coffee in a can by the way but i just this is fun to learn that Mountain Dew makes yerba mate now. That's crazy. They, I had the pineapple the other day.

Ooh, that'll knock your socks off, boy. It will because, because they're inflamed from diabetes. Ooh, I had, I had the mango. It'll knock your socks off and then they'll cut your feet off. You don't know where to put them. It'll knock your socks off and then have'll cut your feet off it'll knock your socks off and then have them pulled back over a stump where your foot used to be it'll knock your socks off and replace them with lymphedema socks i drank a do now my sugars are up uh pineapple

i can't do artificial pineapple flavors i can't interesting really you only like pure pineapple i only like pure pineapple the artificial pineapple feels hot to me it feels electric i get it i don't like artificial cherry yeah i don't either i don't like artificial vanilla because uh it just reminds me of alcohol like if i have a vanilla coke or something it tastes like a jack coke i get that i get that for sure so if you don't drink and you want to know what it tastes like go drink yeah i think that's one of the more common like trauma-laden flavors is is that vanilla the artificial vanilla because i can't drink it either i know a lot of people who can't i think it's one of the first things to go because it's like isn't like soco vanilla flavor like i feel like all the shit you drink in high school

is like that was the first one yeah that was the first real one for me i was in jackson hole wyoming with my cousin your boy tucker and we we went out with all of his like legit cowboy friends actual like cowboy hats whatever whatever my version of cowboy is. And we went up into the mountains, like into the Rocky Mountains, for real. And there was like a big truck bonfire thing. And these older cowboy dudes, mouths full of chew and everything, they got us each our own bottle of Southern Comfort, I think. Because you don't know any better. They got you each your own bottle?

We don't know any better, so you drink the whole thing. Well, the cowboys knew better. Somebody knew better. I don't think they did those men knew better we were but we drank it we went to mcdonald's we got coke and we were gonna mix it with the coke drank the whole bottle i was probably 15 and uh yeah it was straight up laying on the couch doing the whole i love you guys thing like you see in movies where I was just like, I love you guys. You're my best friends. And then just barfed all over this dude's basement. Then they beat the shit out of you.

Yeah. I mean, I seriously yacked all over this dude's basement. He gave me a garbage can. I threw it at the wall and I just kept yacking on the floor. Yeah. It was buck. That was it. I haven't drank it since.

Not once. Well, that's what you're drinking at my bachelor party. Yeah. It was buck. That was it. That was back. I haven't drank it since. Not once. Well, that's what you're drinking at my bachelor party, dude. It's a SoCo weekend. That's up to you. It's up to you how you want it to go. I feel like Instagram knows that your bachelor party is coming and they keep trying to get me to buy short sets.

Yeah. Do you guys have bucket hats? Of course I have a bucket hat. Yeah. David, I didn't know that that was a team thing. I don't know that it's a team thing no but i mean you got time i'm just saying you got a couple weeks at least i think it's two weeks it's two weeks from this weekend i know it is two weeks from this weekend but the weekend oh yeah i need. Sean's more excited about it than anyone. I am. I'm one of those guys.

We're all getting married. No, it's going to be fun. We're going to eat good meals. We're going to talk off. I just want to sit by a pool, man. I haven't done it for real in years. I've been to the pool and stuff, but I haven't actually sat and chilled by some water in years. I wonder if we have to sort

that out ahead of time. Are Vegas pools like that, where we have to get a reservation? You know, I'll check into it, actually, today. Yeah, I think you got to, like, if you want, like, a bungalow, I think you can't just pull up. I don't know if I even need all that. I just, you know, like in Palm Springs, just like when we were just chilling, just like that. It doesn't need to be, like, a private area or anything.

I just want to cool out. I've never been to the vegas pools because it's always too crowded yeah yeah it's slammed but we'll figure it out i'll check into it gentlemen i'll look into it look at either way i'm dipping my nuts into it gentlemen i also have a short sleeve button up with palm trees all over it that i ordered oh yeah i have a i have a i have a brightly i have a bright button up for the day i have two different pink butt nuts I'm going to be right

Oh yeah I need a haircut pad No you don't I do I've been on the road like crazy I need to go cut my hair I also need a haircut I'm thinking of having it all removed You'll see at the national party I'm going to be completely hairless

Get your hair on your head lasered off i'm gonna have all the hair on my body eyebrows gone eyelashes gone that's gonna be the weird thing is the lashes are gone the lashes are your last line of defense against flies going into your eyeballs dude respect is my last line of defense against flies i have i've worked out an understanding flies gross me out now they didn't used to why i don't know i'd look at them as bugs now and i never did before you know what i mean before you saw them as people before a fly you'd be like whatever but now i'd like when it flies on me i'm like oh there's a bug on me just like i would be like if there's a spider on me or something or like a cockroach

flies yes flies have not not that severe but they've gone into that realm where i'm like it's gross now i don't like it silverfish is still and maybe we should save this for a topic like grossest bugs but silverfish is still the grossest bug they are so silverfish and a house centipede house centipedes are just big silverfish they're the ones that are like that big that are lightning quick and they can just they fall up into like a pinhead if they feel like it yeah i like that one on the wall behind you right now i'll fucking kill you oh yeah i do hate silver i would tear this house down in a blind rage before i would those things are the absolute grossest thing could you if somebody okay all right how do i say this

here we go do you think you could fall do you think you could naturally fall asleep in a sleeping bag if somebody put in like 10 silverfish and they were going to give you a million dollars but you had to naturally fall asleep calm you know what i mean calmly no you have but you have tight underwear on so i can't like crawl up your butter and i know it's a big deal for you no tight pants tight pant tight chonies you have like underwear that'll leave a mark but i could i could i i couldn't go to sleep because of the tight underwear probably yeah that's the big i gotta breathe i guess what i'm asking is if there were bugs crawling on you could you still go to sleep knowing that they weren't gonna hurt you

no joe rogan i couldn't do that i don't know why you're fear factoring right now it's not even a spirit thing like i don't think i could get myself into like i think it's just by your i'd be fighting biology you know yeah i've been i've been in a i've been in like a cabin before and saw a mouse and i couldn't really fall asleep just like not even in my shit just in the cat like I don't think I could when I was getting ready for the wedding when I was putting my shit on there was like a chipmunk running around the cabin that I was in I put that in there I put that in there I got trapped

you keep me on my toes that's why I wasn't crying I was worried about what that chipmunk was up to that's right yeah I introduced I I it was target-rich environment in that cabin, dude. That was me. Pulling strings, dude. I was officiating, but I was also hovering about 30 feet above that whole fucking thing, dude. Making everything happen. Yeah. Making sure your wedding planner tried to hook up with Nick Nampay, dude.

I was making sure everything happened. I mean, who wouldn't did i see that guy i saw him the other day at chain show he's just guys just a mountain of hair and good vibes right now he's really he's like he's really coming into his own right he really is yeah yeah i was thinking that in portland too i was like man nam page really just bought a house i was like this guy's really getting it he's always had he's always having glint in his eye that man he's always he's always been an absolute joy to be around and and and just wonderful company and he's always had he's always had like a little bit of an edge not like a bad edge but like a little bit of a leg up just on life the edge you need man but yeah but he's truly

just true like the man is making all the right moves i don't i don't remember the last wrong move he made i respect it yeah yeah i'm thrilled about it the hair looks great nick if you're listening the hair looks great mike your voice sounds dumb i think that covers all yeah man that sounds good uh shawn is jordan uh sean cougar mill jordan on instagram uh hat backwards on sean's head see now that's the part i have trouble with when you're not here is getting into this stuff yeah yeah you're better at it well it takes a maestro's touch and i'm trying to be like jewish check me out on juice run the banks yeah i was saying all that i just had a different tone but yeah check me out on protestant background uh tumblr

you know i got nothing coming up uh go to faded july 28th it might be sold out but uh you know get tickets for the next one. Things are going well. Other than that, I'm just kind of chilling. Doing shows around Portland. David, have you done your DC date yet? No. It's this weekend. Wait, when does this come out?

This will come out after this weekend. Oh, okay. Then this is my DC, so yeah, let's announce. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, great. I got some stuff some stuff coming up hold on let me pull it up here now wait just a minute now wait just a minute wait a minute wait a minute by the way everybody so that wait a minute thing it's from lemon uh the no the nerd song where people ask that comes from they ask all the time it's always on the mailbag uh questions and i was just i was just skip it because we've answered they ask all the time it's always on the mailbag uh questions and i was just i was just skip it because we've answered it so many times but it's from lemon

it's yeah it's from that song lemon hold up why now i can't i find boy i get a lot of emails if you haven't seen the lemon keep talking keep talking keep talking it's funny i get a lot of emails and i don't uh you know i don't work on a television show so i imagine the emails you guys get if you haven't seen the lemon video go watch it i'm sure you have but if you haven't it's so good it was the video of the summer for like what three years ago four years ago i i don't know it's very it'll take you there though make sure you're alone dude when that it's that woman will just break you you know where you're just like holy manitouli what that's her name yeah yeah she's so dope it's shocking and then rihanna shaves her head right i don't

think so that's the lemon video rihanna shaves her head the dancers oh yeah yeah yeah yeah sorry i should have phrased that better is rihanna still pregnant? I'll keep talking. Is Rihanna still pregnant? Yes. It sounds so crazy the way you asked it. Because I can't tell what angle you're coming from. I'll tell you this. That Snow documentary. Okay. The rapper Snow did the song Informer.

I don't know if it's a document. It's a podcast where you can see him. I think somebody interviewed Snow. They interviewed Snow. Yeah, it's not a documentary. You're right. It's an interview. He had two kids three months apart. One of them is Jamaican.

His girl that he had the kid with found out he had another kid in Jamaica from their local newspaper. She went to the market, came home with the local paper, and she's like, what the fuck is this? And the front page article was

Snow has child in Jamaica. And they were born three months they were born three months apart so he fully you know cheated on her why wasn't that what the next song was about i dude that guy the i don't know if you're at all interested if you've heard that song informer go watch the vlad tv interview with it's with snow it's amazing i'm back with pertinent details. Okay. Now, was Rihanna still pregnant?

She's still pregnant. That's right. When you're an ethereal otherworldly being, you get pregnant for like six months. Oh, my bad. My bad. You asked for it. You got it.

All Fantasy Everything is hitting the road again. And the first date we can announce right now is washington dc the nation's capital home of the loony bin yeah dude well now i might call it uh damn i couldn't think what's what's something where do people sleep sean do not fuck this up for us i know sorry i blew it no no no finish the thought i was gonna do a sleepy joe thing i was gonna be like more like the cradle bin or something where people sleep more like the bunk bed and bunk has two meanings there all right there it is they're full of bunk down there in dc there it is and sleepy joe needs a little nap well there it is there it is for now we're gonna

be that we're doing the three of us are triple headlining or whatever we want to call it. We're all doing stand-up on Friday and Saturday. Try dogging it. We're try dogging it. The three of us will be doing stand-up comedy. So that's Friday, September 30th, Saturday, October

1st, and then Sunday, October 2nd, we are doing a lunchtime 1245 PM. All fantasy, everything live. Yeah. Come see us right around noon, a day,

a day game. We're playing a day game. So come see us do standup comedy and then come see us do the podcast at the DC improv. That is September 30th, October 1st and October 2ndnd yes i'm stoked that's gonna be dank yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be fantastic we're working out the dates where we can but this is gonna be our first big east coast date our first big date in a long time but like

if you're on the east coast you want to come see us come see us in dc please do last time it's so close over there didn't you and didn't you and shane eat a bunch of mumbo sauce or something shane and i had we had like four different kinds of chicken on the same hotel bed yeah that's right you got lost on u street and you guys had a chicken journey yourself no we were all in the same uh didn't we all go to the same restaurant we all got because there's one of those restaurants where it's like anything you want we went to two different chicken restaurants that night yeah yeah yeah

there was a lot going on a lot happened that night I crapped my pants a little bit Ian took the biggest deli he's ever taken I had four kinds of chicken didn't somebody throw pizza in the street it was me a pizza box I frisbeed a pizza box into the street because then I had a feeling you were like a feeling you were like i was like the night is over bouncer goes you can't

come back and it was something and you're like wing the pizza box and you go i know or like we weren't planning on it assumption it was i never will yeah yeah it was uh it was wild man anyways we'll be back yeah come see us in dc where we're going to be up to our old shenanigans again and probably a trip to the smithsonian i might yeah i mean if we're there for a couple days which will be sick i've never i didn't get to do any like not not not complaining but like we didn't you know we barely walked by the loony bin and then we left town oh man last time i Last time I was there, I did by myself. I did the hop-on, hop-off bus tour.

It was actually a lot of fun in the capital. That sounds great. Oh, dude. Yeah. I mean, there's some skate spots. Go see Pulaski Park. Yeah. I'm sure you guys are going to want to go see it, too.

Go see Pulaski Park. I'm going to pitch for the Nationals while we're there. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. What are you going to pitch? Pitch in seven innings. About baseball. Pitch woo. baseball you're gonna pitch a bunch of malarkey adam is that what you're gonna pick no i'm not uh i'm not falling fast asleep in the bunk bed all right we'll workshop that bunk bed joke and it's gonna be fucking prime by the time we get there

tickets we're doing two shows on friday two on saturday especially because if we're all just doing what are we all doing like 20 minutes of stand-up that's the easiest time we're all gonna rush it's gonna be hot shit it really is it's and uh i've been man i've been having i've been having i don't sound like a prick i've been feeling my stand-up lately it's been real fun i do sound like a prick but no no you've been fun yeah i kind of do but i'm okay with it it's fun i've been having a real good time the man's good at stand-up david boris here cool guy jokes 87 on instagram he's not on twitter not on twitter he's not on twitter i've been actually getting on their forum i started oh god please don't i started a fake that's the opposite of what i need i started a

david boria fan account we take a lot of private conversations and sort of misrepresent them on Twitter on behalf of David. Open DMs. Yeah. I DM strangers. Oh, God. Yeah. There's like a picture of David in high school. That's my profile pic.

I don't think you could even. I don't think there are pictures of me in high school. You know, the Twitter handle is the G is loud and it's all caps. It's all loud. Yeah. The G is now outspoken. It's I had to. I think there wasn't the G is loud, like parody Twitter account.

There probably was. I saw I was my friend. She handed me her phone the other day and I just saw her Facebook and I got like weird old like nostalgia doom scrolling. Oh, yeah. And I was i was like oh i can't i really can't go back because if i go back i'll never leave facebook it's all i swear it's all ads if i if i ever facebook's a rarity but if i ever go on there i have to check for messages from my aunt that's the only reason and if you scroll it's just like ads for groceries and and gyms and shit i never see even see any posts i swear to god

i mean that's what my instagram is now is all ads which is good yeah gotta go to the search page get me out of there no well we gotta get you in a short set man these are time this is directed advertisement that's dude they're coming for me it's like crazy get one i bet you i bet you i can i'll see one within the next two minutes if i just scroll through while we're talking here i'm gonna be wearing a full jamal mashburn kentucky wildcats uniform the entire time we're in vegas so i better not be the only one in a short set i got that lillard jersey uh i should bring that big damn dude i'm excited i'm people are gonna think you're him though that's the only that's the only good fall where am i where do they not just let are going to think you're him, though. That's the only pitfall. Where do they not?

Just let me go to Target. You know what I mean, Happy Valley? Let me go to Target. Let me live. He's on a big contract. Dame lives in Lake O. What would he go to the Happy Valley Target for? It's not me.

Is that where he lives? He lives in Lake Oswego? Probably. I have no idea. That's where most of the ballplayers live, I think. Isn't it? Am I crazy? It wasn't a practice facility out there?

Some of them live in West Lynn. It's in West Lynn? Yeah, West Lynn, I think. A lot of? Am I crazy? It wasn't a practice facility out there? No, it's in West Lynn. It's in West Lynn? Yeah, West Lynn, I think. A lot of them live in West Lynn. Well, fuck me. Either way, don't see me in West Lynn. See me in D.C. tomorrow

at the Improv. I'd wait until September. No, that's the whole point! And then August 5th and 6thth see me in wilmington uh north carolina at the dead crow and then august 12th and 13th see me at hilarities in cleveland and then august 19th i believe is faded denver and then i i think that i have a weekend off after that maybe nice i don't know what i'm gonna do sleep probably or something no we'll figure it out we'll just do a bunch of podcasts you don't want to you don't want to have any downtime david that'd be crazy trust me i'm doing a bunch. I'd love for you to build a chuppah for my wedding if you're free that weekend.

What is that? Let me please let me take this. Go on. I believe it's an altar. That's right. A Jewish one. Oh, really? Yeah.

You're going to have an altar? Oh, we'll have a chuppah. Oh, it's a Jewish wedding. There's going to be a rabbi. You're going to lift us up on chairs. Boom. Look at this. See yes yes david get that that's the that's all the shit that's all the shit they're always trying to sell me and big sale energy which feels like some kind of weird dick thing that they're trying

it's definitely a dick thing does that feel like your new nickname because it might be big sail energy big sail dude dude big sail energy is when you take you stretch your nuts out to the tip of your dick you try to catch a wind yeah let it hurt let it hurt could you catch no okay i'm going nuts i just in my head i was thinking about like being on an inner tube you know like floating in the river if you were laying on your back you were straining it's disgusting if it was a if it was like a gale a gale force wind if there was a shipwreck yes and you were like strand you laid on your back and pulled your pants down and stretch your nutsack skin out yeah exactly well if you're

wearing pants i might advise just holding those in the air and trying that as a sail first but that's gonna be more that's gonna let the air through a little bit more yeah that's true my my nuts are my nutsack is dense there's nothing i'm not i'm not i'm not losing any wind in there nobody's getting in nobody's getting out exactly they cut mine off so i don't yeah i i got no none of this works right you just have like a belly button below your penis right yeah it was like a ken doll down there i had him put the uh the smiley face with x eyes emoji down there yeah wait did you get a vasectomy yeah i did oh it's crazy you should bring it up yeah i did i'm out here um i left my cape in the other room but yeah i got one and if you're thinking about it go for

it you know wow all right aggressive uh my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on juif which is how you say jewish in french uh juish juif uh what's the french juif renault app where a lot of people saying that to you in france pointing at me hello juif they seem angry you go in the restaurant they're're like, no juif. No juif. And I'm like, one juif. Dana, you eat outside. Do you have room for just one juif?

What about one juif? I'm sorry, baby. I don't have anything to promote except for come see us at the DC Improv on the aforementioned dates we are gathered here not only I mean for God's sake we're really going to cram it in because I have to take Eddie to the vet that's alright it's only three of us we're gathered here today not only to talk about me taking my cat to the vet

but also to fantasy draft people who we are pretty sure are aliens this was a topic chosen by you the patreon members perfect by the way perfect that's a great there were a bunch of good topics in there some we'll have to revisit there were 148 by the way topics yeah 148 that's murder it it's so dank and every time it's tough because you know putting up a poll of 148 just isn't so we go through we try to find the best like seven or eight and it i mean this one was like i'm pretty sure this was gonna be it because this is like hilarious it's a real fun one you should watch lone survivor when you get up man that'll get your blood pumped in boy i watched i watched that to go to sleep yeah you're one of those guys yeah i gotta calm down i'm gonna oh i threw on predator the other night to calm down yeah you I watched that to go to sleep. Yeah. You're one of those guys. Yeah.

I got to calm down. Oh, I threw on Predator the other night to calm down. Yeah, you did. What were you hyped up from? That movie goes still. Yeah, what did you need Predator to come down from? Somebody broke in. There was an intruder, so I killed him.

And then I was like, all right, after I buried him in the backyard, I was like, I'm going to watch Predator, chill out. Predator's good, man. If you haven't seen was like I'm gonna watch Predator chill out Predator's good man if you haven't seen it for a minute watch Predator it's great yeah no Predator's great fantastic he is an alien he is an alien what a great end because we're drafting people

who we're pretty sure are aliens but are not confirmed whereas Predator is an alien now the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors played between the two of you and we throw and shoot here we go rock paper scissor shoot oh double papers rock paper scissor shoot david wins i knew it i could have called it in my head i could have called it why didn't you do the opposite you had the opportunity to call it yeah you were engaged in a rollicking game you literally got to call it it doesn't work that way okay i i can tell

i was a niece too recently to be present for this energy all right oh by the way speaking of niece if you watch under the cherry moon whole movie takes place in Nice. Does it? Mm-hmm. Throwing that on. Yeah. I'll be pointing out shit I recognize. They just put it on HBO Max.

It was the coolest flex. I was watching it with a friend. I was like, wait. Wait, no. Oh, I know where this is. Wait, are we in Nice? I stayed at a hotel called La Negresco that was full of, like, art. Just, like, real art.

There was, like, a Titian painting in there. I have a joke about it, but it's the only place I've ever been that was full of like art just like real art there was like a tishan painting in there i have a joke about it but it's the only place i've ever been that was so beautiful i started crying yeah it's gorgeous oh dude we gotta get you to sioux falls i think they're working on a date what was that green sky that happened in sioux falls the raindrops i mean i appreciate all the mountain dew tweets by the way that shit's hilarious but the the raindrops were held in the clouds a certain way that it made the sky green and it's never happened before i've never seen that shit but that sky texted anyone i could who i knew that lived there everybody was like yes it's actually green that wasn't like filters there are some that are filtered sure but the sky was green it's fucking dope and again

love the mountain dew tweets love them it's calling you home it's not what was happening but man if it didn't fit with what should be happening i love it sioux falls was calling you home i haven't been home in a while man if they're trying to get david out there you too ian uh my buddy he just keeps telling me that they're trying to get you both. Oh, I was just out there. They said they hadn't heard of you. You were in Rapid City, David? You prick. Now, don't start with me. You're not a prick.

To quote my man, Chief Keef, Philly and New York, the same thing. I'm not going. If I'm going to Sioux Falls, it's for the two of you. Well, yeah. I mean, all I need going to Sioux Falls, it's with the two of you. Well, yeah, that's, I mean, I'll go. All I need is one of you to get, to be there, and it'll, I'll be there. I'm just saying, one of you has to get there. So, answer the emails.

David, as the winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine, I haven't gotten an email, to determine the order for this draft. Hey, hey, me too. It sounds like. Damn it. Before you do pick the order, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft.

And what is that? That's a great question. Well, I've been strolling Max here on Happy Valley lately, and they have a boardwalk in the wooded area of Happy Valley Nature Park. It's great, by the way. And I'll just kind of stroller. It goes in sort of like a zigzag formation. So I'll stroller down the boardwalk for a little while i'll turn basically just turn around around some trees and then come back the

same way then turn around and then uh stroller back down and then just kind of cover the whole boardwalk until i see some wildlife could be like a coyote could be a deer could be a lemur you know could be a banana slug i don't imagine it would be a lemur i don't think it'd be a lemur either native to madagascar we saw a ring or a black tailed flora would know what it was it looked like a little ferret it wasn't but we saw something carrying a rabbit the other day no i don't want to yell uh no i'm not gonna do it why i was gonna i was gonna scream ask what it was but i'd really have to yell and it's like it's aggressive so but anyway i yell at dana all the time on this podcast i've seen it this is cold that's still my favorite i love you see you in a nice way she's still in france you ain't got to lie. You've been doing that all

morning. She's dead. She's dead. She's dead. She's not. She met a guy named Jacques Pierre and she's dead. He gets into LePoop. He has to stand in corner booth at LePoop.

She poopy. David, with that in mind, basically what it means is if you pick third in the first round and you pick first in the second round, with that in mind, basically what it means is if you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round. With that in mind, what would the order of today's draft be? Me, Shawnee in. David, Shawnee in. Hot corner. Easy peasy

lemon squeezy. You sounded slow. That was funny. Easy peasy. Oh, I haven't listened to sorry go ahead no go ahead well i just haven't listened to sean uh shane's you you haven't on this podcast yet and i have to go back and listen to that it's uh audio is pretty bad i don't know how he blew it i feel like we have to get him back quick to hold him i can't i can't even speak on it i've i've

i've spoken to him in person about it and i had what did you say i saw him the night i saw him the night of uh of that like when i got the email from marissa and and uh i saw him and i go yeah your audio is fucked up he goes yeah he was already so hot about it yeah i've been hearing about it i'm like well you know i don't know man i don't know he's like sounded fine sounded fine it sounded fine to my get up and watch lone survivor brain sure but i mean of course what what sounds bad you know let him know what happened marissa had to call in isaac to help she had to call in a second podcast producer oh my god that's so funny and they're like the two best producers in the world they're the two best in the game and she

had to call in dude it was like a fucking it was like a marvel crossover movie where all of a sudden isaac lee showed up in an afp editing suite yeah how did he do it i don't know i don't know i don't know i again i i could have i i don't know i i could do the same thing i'm sure but i don't know it is hilarious though no no i haven't i don't know it is hilarious though no no i haven't no no i have not no no he has a podcast we're pretty sure aliens he has a podcast i mean i will spend a lot more time on it he has a podcast and the last time he was on when i was still here he showed up and his voice was like too slow and then it went too fast like oh hey how you doing

like and then at the end of it all right how is this is this better it's he finds new ways to fuck it up it's amazing it's like an innovator i again shane don't sweat it it came out it's all good you know i just don't want you to be a Huffy wherever you're at right now. If you're listening, if you're not listening with it, well, he's going to be sweating. Buy his album established in 1981. Go see him on the road and send him a sampler platter. He said that stopped. Oh, let's get that going again. You guys forgot about Dre.

Send him a sampler platter somewhere. What do you think? He ain't got guns now. What do you about Dre? Send him a sampler platter somewhere. What, you think he ain't got guns now? What, you think he sold them all? Shane stays well off. Now he's going to get this hate mail all day saying Shane fell off? Why? Because he's been in the lab with a chicken wing and a fake carrot trying to get this damn blue cheese off?

No, I ain't having that. Keep going. Send him a sampler platter. David, we're going to get to your first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language,

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The only podcast that has ever existed. This is it, except of course, for David Borey and Langston Kerman's other podcast. My mama told me. My mama told me. I want to say my mama told me so. My mama told me. Your mama did tell

you so. She told me so a few times, yeah. She gave me the whopper. She let me know. She gave me the old whopper. Sean and I also have a podcast exploring white conspiracy theories, which are all true. I've been go've been i've been goading you guys to do it for years here's here's the biggest here's the biggest one for me the

biggest one for me personally there's a difference between mayo and miracle whip to me there's not so what's up that's insane that's not even that's it's already been debunked because they're two different what they're two different things there wouldn't be a miracle whip if there was you are so nuts i i don't know man i i don't i don't feel the difference that's not a conspiracy theory that's just a wrong opinion you have it's just like blatantly incorrect or i'm sorry or it's a conspiracy theory no no i know everybody's said that i love you i'm sorry i hate that you haven't said that we need to give you a double blind mayo test which is you know type that into pornhub you haven't had one of those since high school i'd be the double blind mayo test yeah man after the after the one party

i got invited to the electric kool-aid acid test yeah david have i told you this david that i think i'm in the top one percent of unpaid drivers in the whole world have i told you this david that i think i'm in the top one percent of unpaid drivers in the whole world have i told you that see this is worth exploring see i think i think as far as driving a car goes anybody who's ever been paid to drive a car they count as a professional drive any uber pizza anything anybody who's never been paid i think i am in the top one percent of that category as far as skills driving goes i i think he's in the top 30 percent ian had a tough time with this in seattle it was just a wild claim to make i've because i've never seen you laura has had a tough time with it every time in the car by the way i've seen you drive i've never really seen you whipping that thing you know because we don't need when do we need to do that so he's not talking

about within that thing he's like he's just like a being like a forthright courteous driver i'm saying i'm okay but that's what i'm saying is if you're in one the top one percent you're gonna need to be whipping that thing if i need to be in a situation if i'm in a situation where the thing needs to be whipped yeah but now you're sounding like one of those dudes who's like i'd kick his fucking ass like i don't know i'm not in the top one percent of unpaid fighters in the world i will i will never claim that i feel like if you were in the top one percent of unpaid drivers like a regular thing that would happen it would be you'd show'd show up like you know you're driving lower you guys would show up somewhere 8 minutes ahead of schedule

but you'd never notice you were driving fast like that kind of thing I beat Google Maps almost every time I'm in the car I beat Google Maps and that's no shit it's a huge goal of mine to beat it by like a minute or two always do it there's no way to verify that always beat it man it's too bad

we don't have time to unpack this you got to go to the vet let's uh let's crank it out bud save that for later david boy your first pick and the people you're pretty sure are aliens draft shia labeouf oh man he that dude has spun out like a top ever since even when he was a kid he just always seems like he's doing an impression of what he thinks a person is yeah to me you know what i'm saying like he's always like like i understand he grew up in hollywood and that makes you weird but he's just it's just never lands as like oh this is a real person with regular thoughts to me like he always seems like he's trying to get over on you and make you think he's some kind of person even the weird performance arty stuff seemed like someone doing an impression of

performance art yes exactly or like that video where he got caught freestyling that was actually another it was actually somebody's rap and just the whole way he was doing it i was like this dude's a fucking psycho dude he was so oh man i wish i knew i wish i known we were going to talk about shia LaBeouf. But I think he was going to do... Common sentiment. It's his problem. Most coffee shops I go planning on talking about him. But he was going to direct a bio...

Do you guys say biopic or biopic? I say biopic. I say biopic too. Which is weird because you don't say biography. No, you don't. I mean, that's a pretty funny sounding word. I'm going to start. A biography?

Oh, I think it's an autobiography. It's an autobiography. I read this great biography about Teddy Roosevelt, dude. Shia LaBeouf, I think, was going to write a biopic about Cage the rapper and he was going to be Cage or he was going to direct it and that would have been dope because well whatever I don't want to name other picks but Shia LaBeouf would play

a great Cage as Shia LaBeouf does Who's Cage now? I don't know who that is Oh man he's a white rapper Eminem had a lyric bought Cage's tape and dubbed over it but he's just this super dope white rapper i don't know maybe like heavy relevance of 2005 i think would have been like the peak i'm sure there's still quite a few people but he was in that camp with like necro uh

oh yeah who necro is oh that can't i don't know it's really well listen to some cage i can send you some songs after this i'm gonna blast that one drive and edit that just put her in the right mood i think you should blast eddie vetter just for the situation oh eddie vetter so if i'm not a if i'm not a prick here i'm pretty sure alive was the first song that pearl jam ever wrote that song that's wild yeah and i think the demo i think the demo is what's on the album like the first track they ever did and wrote and like laid down is like the studio whatever version that's on the album really I think either either that or I'm a prick and I hope I'm not a prick also you could be right and still be a prick you fucking

prick two things can be true yeah I could you see me in about a week and a half buddy I'll be a prick in a fucking pine pine tree shirt it ain't christmas in vegas wear a pine tree shirt oh i thought you were gonna say i'm a prick in a pine tree like i'm happy it's a prick in a pine tree like i thought that was like i have a short sleeve button up a jersey a bucket hat two pairs of summer shoes i'm bringing and floral print shorts so you have to bring one uh bring one like nice like a button like a because we have that dinner at that place i know i'm gonna pack it with a frown on my face i'm gonna wear it excitedly but when i pack it i'll be like no one's gonna be dressed like nelly in

the where the party at video for most i'm gonna keep doing where to party at dirty i'm gonna stop calling me dirty this is a nice place i'll be like fuck you dirty i'm doing like i'm doing like a late era michael jackson look the whole weekend oh man lots of like weird like we had the bob yeah gloves yeah gloves hat weird hat sparkles a veil i'm gonna be wearing sort of a veil situation yeah all monochrome different like The whole thing is all white. It's kind of a crazy Sergeant Peppers jacket. Yeah, yeah. A lot of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Yeah, man. Shia LaBeouf. That is spot on. Also, his last name is The Beef. Come on. That's made up.

You're a person. Your last name's The Beef? All right. And I guess all child actors probably have a little bit of like this you're probably an alien but his is like the most profound yeah for sure yeah yeah watching honey boy where i was just like what's what's happening i heard that was good i never watched it it was i thought it was interesting that and the peanut butter falcon he had that too for and the peanut butter falcon. He had that too for that year. Peanut butter falcon I liked. Honey boy, I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Honey boy made me feel like you can't tell your own story. Yeah, that's true. I don't think you can tell your own story. You know what I mean? Oh, where did you sexually satisfy a prostitute when you were 12? Yeah. It'd be so fun to tell my own story. When I got beat into the crypts, it would be a lot more vicious if I told my own story. You, I think, could tell my own story. When I got beat into the crypts would be a lot more vicious if I told my own

story. You, I think, could tell your own story. I do think we should make a TV show. We should pitch a TV show that's just The Adventures of Young Sean. It wouldn't be 12-year-olds beating me and it'd be like prison-hard 21-year-old Trejo, dude. I always leave that out when I'm like, no, those other 12-year-olds

beating me up. It was Trejo. It was... Who's that? John Bernthal. Oh, and who's the guy that plays Tuco? That guy? It was Tuco. Not the guy who plays him. It was actual Tuco. It was Tuco.

And that dude from the Training Day card game. The same guy, but both characters. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick uh i'm going willem defoe oh yeah yeah yeah he you know not not so much young defoe although like sure like not you know platoon defoe but like just older defoe that you're like man you are you're something you're cooking you're cooking your own doodog saints and beyond yeah yeah boondock saints was when he was that dancing detective right we was the yeah yeah you listen and you're like wouldn't he crunch a pill or

something like that like he did a bunch of weird shit at one point he like opened his shirt and he was like there was a firefight it was a firefight yeah he was like and it's it's tough because he played a the green goblin not an alien but like a superhero and so it gives me this vision where i'm like you can do it i can see it i can see you as an alien like breaking out of your shell a little bit and he just i was looking for people who seem like they would be gnarly alone like when they're just at the crib i bet he just i bet he's just he just seems weird to me well here's the thing about him you know what his birth name is yes it's will well you told me go ahead it's william

yeah so he just goes by willem he did that he did that oh that's nuts you just go by willem he's not and he's like that's so i don't think he's from england is he just like from cleveland or something he's like from i think he's from like michigan hold up no way oh he's from he's from wisconsin he's from appleton wisconsin that's hilarious from appleton see now you could tell me willem deflo willem deflo that's my rapper name dude when i get to vegas i'm gonna check in be like it's actually under willem deflo all right and shocker willem deflo and shocker staying together dude we'll be sharing a room

uh yeah they're both my whale bones oh yeah man because you could tell me he has like you could tell me that he was next in line for the throne at some point and i believe you yeah no he has a he has a european sort of air about him yeah definitely not you would have told me he was just like a dude from wisconsin well but also though like he looks like he's never had a milwaukee's best but if there was like a caterpillar factory in appleton and willem defoe was running the line i'd be like sure oh the the the heavy equipment caterpillar i was like what are you talking about kind of nonsense no no i'm talking about little fluffy cute in appleton where they make little caterpillars little guys oh man that's really funny he's a pescatarian so he only eats fish and chicken yeah just fish that that makes sense to me for some

reason yeah yeah but i mean he eats them like a king in a cartoon where he just puts them in his mouth and pulls it out and it's a skeleton a full fish fish skeleton yeah have you ever done that with a chicken wing successfully or seen it done yeah yeah i've put up enough numbers that statistically has to have happened i've been around for a lot of those games and i've never seen it happen well fuck you don't start that's because you eat boneless like a cretin yeah you are a boneless boy come on dude you don't know the game well the last time i ate bone in david took him from me and showed me how to do it the right way so i'm scared a lot of meat on the bone yeah he got so mad at me at the roost it was disgusting he got so upset with me uh it's like what's the

point of even doing it well that's a big part of why i do boneless because i do i waste money getting bone in and i don't want to make more work for myself it's still the same flavor still chicken you know what i just don't feel my we're gonna end this here we're gonna table this with your driving thing okay time for my first pick with my driving thing i'll eat buffalo wings while i drive and still be better than anyone in this motherfucking road dry or wet any fuck put them in my eyes man i'm a good ass driver i love you dana Any, fuck, put them in my eyes, man. I'm a good-ass driver. I love you, Dana.

Here's my first pick. Now, there's a lot of people who obviously seem like aliens, and I'll be revisiting those later on in the draft. But my first one, so I think a lot of people have said this person is an alien. They think he acts like an alien. He's ethereal. A lot of people think Andre 3000

from OutKast is an alien, right? He dresses crazy. He wears the big billowy pants, the shoulder pads. He plays the flute now. He quit music, whatever, whatever. You're not picking him, are you? They think he's an alien,

but I'm not picking Andre 3000. You're sneaking the yeah devil i know what you're doing the other guy from out yeah i know what you're doing big boy yeah yeah big boy's a fucking alien and the reason i he andre's running interference yeah that makes sense to me as well yeah andre's out here running interference pick playing the flu dressing crazy wearing big boy wearing shoulder pads and big boy is like yeah yeah no i'm i'm fine i'm not definitely wearing shoulder pads and big boy is like yeah yeah no i'm i'm fine i'm not definitely not an alien yeah big boy's like he's crazy right i don't have a strange attraction to owls not attractive exactly why's he got so many owls he has owls he's fucking he's he's an alien dude an owlian every time he's an alien he's an atl they even

want the atlians they were trying to tell us they were trying to tell us they were trying he was trying to get the word out there to see if there were any friendly receptors but there weren't everyone was like oh andre 3000's an alien it's fucking big boy dude so big boy's a good alien he's trying to help us yeah of course he's trying to warn us i mean let's not i don't i don't know that he operates in a binary of good and evil. He hangs out with owls. He owned a shark named Billy Ocean. Dude. He's really good at rapping.

Oh, okay. Billy Ocean t-shirt right there. Absolutely. Big Boy from OutKast is a fucking alien. And I think the whole Andre 3000 thing is just running interference. I like that. I like that a lot. The entire operation. I like that. fantastic now it's going back to somebody who's maybe a little more obviously an alien uh i'm taking anaheim angels pitcher slash right fielder slash designated

hitter shohei otani i don't know who that is so he So he's maybe the most talented baseball player ever. Okay. He's both one of the best pitchers in the league and one of the best home run hitters, like better than Babe Ruth was. Was Babe Ruth good or was he good for the time? Well, he was. People say he was the 1% of non-professional paid drivers.

Yeah, people say that about him. Why were you looking out the window? Because I was lying. Just like you are, dude. I ain't lying. If it ain't true, it ain't me lying. I believe it. That's not how that works.

Yes, it is. I'm not lying. It might not be true, but me saying that I think that is not how that works it ain't yes it is i'm not lying it might not be true but me saying that i think that is not a lie oh fair fair but anyway show hey otani give us it is true he is he is so yeah how can he be that good at both those things in baseball everyone else in baseball is has also been doing it their whole lives you know what i mean right everyone else in baseball has also been doing it their whole lives you know what i mean right everyone else in baseball has also been doing it their whole lives and is also like uh-huh the top one percent of like athletes in the world and this dude's just the best at these two at both the things i mean it's a good point what are they doing over there in japan you know yeah i'll tell you what they're doing

welcoming aliens arms wide open welcoming Welcoming aliens, dude. Shohei Ota. I got to watch some highlight reels, huh? In Japan, he played for a team called the Nippon Ham Fighters. The Ham Fighters? Ham Fighters, dude. Sounds like an alien made up that name. Yeah, for sure it does.

What do you want to name the team? I don't know. The Ham Fighters? He's amazing. He's big and gorgeous. He's just gorgeous too he is gorgeous i'm looking i looked him up he's just like a big gorgeous dude who's the best at everything that's what an alien would do the big gorgeous the big gorgeous if an alien had no shame and he's like how am i gonna go like i don't care if they find out i'm an alien. He'd be big, gorgeous, and the best at everything. And that's what he is.

Yeah, man. Big, gorgeous, and the best. Man, that's a dank Tinder. Somebody still on dating profiles make that. Change it to big, gorgeous, and the best at everything. Yeah. And if you get a hit, it's someone dope. Or they just want to smash.

I want to start a band. Or if you start a band called Big, Gorgeous, and the Best at Everything. Yeah, that's pretty good. I might change my Twitter name to Big, Gorgeousorgeous and the Best at Everything. Yeah, that's pretty good. I might change my Twitter name to Big Gorgeous and the Best at Everything right now. Do it. Anyway, Shohei Otani. Nice. That's that pick.

That's my second pick. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. She just throws me the vibes, and I don't have a ton of explanation for it, but Tilda Swinton. I think she's nailed it. Oh, she's on my list. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, is it the cheek structure?

Yeah, that's part of it. Is that it? Because she's tall, and she looks grander than most. Something about her eyes. She's not androgynous, but she can slip into kind of any... morph into kind of any role i mean i know

she's an actor but she just has that like where you just she's very calm too yeah i mean she had she she she has like an alien haircut yeah she plays the alien role she i think she leans she leans into being like otherworldly and ethereal. She's just stretched, you know, stretched where it's like, you see there's a, there's a beam of light. And then in that beam of light through, you're looking through the eyes of the camera and then you see like a blurry long figure.

And she looks like if it were coming, if it kept walking at me, that would be till this one. She played a character called ancient one in Avengers. You know? Yeah. She's fucking crazy. She's like, she was in Dr. Strange. She was the, like the main in Avengers. You know? Yeah. She's fucking crazy. She's like.

She was in Doctor Strange. She was the like the main time bender or whatever. Yeah. Even when she plays more grounded roles, like she played twins in Hail Caesar. You know what I mean? She like. Yeah. She had that role on the beach.

If you guys remember that Danny Boyle joint. But, you know, just. I feel like the beach comes up a lot on here. I love the beach. I always try to sneak it in when I get a shot. I think it it's a great movie it's the third act kind of falls off just a little bit but i it's the whole thing's dope danny boyle's dope i like nardo you know i'm a nardo boy so you're not you're a big time nardo boy yeah i like nardo you're a nard lord one of the top one of the top one percent of nard lords in all in all the land see that'll get behind yeah yeah you are top one percent of nard lords probably i gotta stop saying

one percent i did i just dawned on me i'm in the i'm in the top 0.5 percent of all drivers unpaid in the world what that means it's you and like 10 guys why can't you say one percent it's a bad thing right the one you don't want to be the one percent oh economic like hell's angels and shit do no i think you're talking about three percenters oh well then yeah okay one percent i don't want to get crazy yeah um anyway till the swinton she looks like a bird skeleton with human skin on it yes yeah i'm saying she's she's buck man she like the swinton like dyed her hair the same color as her skin you know what i mean she's she knows what she's doing yeah it's like you're either like super good at art in new york or you're an alien if you do i think she's both i think she's both dude yeah

for sure yeah i bet her bones are hollow would you be surprised to find out she had hollow bones and she could fly no i wouldn't be surprised that she didn't have organs did she like float or she doesn't sink yeah just never had never had food yeah yeah i wouldn't be surprised yeah she tried it once it wasn't for her she eats like a plant just sunlight and that's yeah she's like yeah that's all i need really really. Not sound like the dark. She just consumes the dark, dude. The Swin tan. The Swin tan.

Shout out to Taylor Swinton. Great pick. David, time for your second and third picks. The second one I think of as a good alien. More of like a Mork and Mindy kind of vibe you know what i mean uh kate mckinnon oh great pick yeah yeah just like kind of uh something about her i don't know how to explain she came here for fun she didn't come there's no the universe isn't the universe isn't failing there's no there's no you know nothing's wrong she's just like i just figured i'd come check it out yeah that's always the vibe and just her uh her general air is so different than anyone else i've ever

encountered absolutely encountered like a lot of people just like her rhythm she just seems to be to a very different rhythm yeah everyone else is have you met her no i just mean like in general plus anyone who's like so good at impressions like that you're like you're observing humanity in a different way yeah yeah yeah that's the vibe like it's like you're picking up something different something that maybe we're not and it's really really fun yeah she's she's amazing at it's crazy yes i love that just nailing down here having a good time. Or up here. Or over here. I don't know.

Or wherever. Yeah. Definitely. Oh, yeah. I'm just checking it out. It's almost like we got lucky. We weren't even maybe supposed to see her. You know what I mean?

Uh-huh. We got lucky that she had the whole career and stuff. She wasn't even supposed to do that. What? It seems pertinent. What's happening with those photographs of the first, these galaxies that we couldn't see what's going on with that i don't know this dude's gonna prove there's life out there no i don't think that's part of it all right i think it's just like it's cool to see yeah it is cool to see i'm just saying it'd be

i've always felt insignificant so putting in perspective is pretty no not in a bad way in a way that makes me feel like yeah in a way that makes me feel like comforted it's hard to i'm not gonna go into it all right now but it's i i have a hole it's kind of like how i live my life anyways uh kate mckinnon man yeah she just seems like an alien to me in a good good way that's perfect every time i think about space i start to have a panic attack really i i i i i welcome it. I, I, I really appreciate it. It goes too far.

I think that's the right, that's the right mentality. It can go two ways. If I'm, if I'm thinking too much about ultimately what is it, what is not a very big problem. Sometimes I'll do that. I'll build things up in my head and then I'll start thinking about the universe and then it'll calm me down in the sense that like,

okay, it's all good. This tiny little thing is okay. It's fine. But most of the time I get really freaked out because I'm like, what? The universe is just keep going. It's just expanding all the time.

It's just right. What's out there? What does it stop? I say, thank God. Thank God. I'll have to put on like Family Guy or some shit sometimes just to like get my mind back on some dumb shit it is when you say thank god it is good to appreciate her

got it everybody wake up out there from downtown that's why i got a vasectomy all right all right when you're making your list of guys who get it just come to the dc improv in october end of september early october you can come see us get it in person you can get it in person you can see me get it go to that chicken go to that chicken spot on what street you can get it if you really want yeah i don't know it revealed itself to us we'll find it again yeah we just have to be out in the night well it'll come to us yeah yeah uh kate mckinnon great pick and your third pick uh also another obvious one i mean if you need me to go into it i can

buster rhymes yeah for sure for sure the whole time he was he was maybe the guy who invented tribal tattoos that's us yeah even in you want you look at higher learning and you're like if i went to college with that guy and it would have been bananas how did that guy get in here i think that if i went anywhere with buster well anywhere how did he get in here in higher learning he's he's in like this smart group of dudes and uh like that's the whole juxtaposition of that crew but you look at bus rhymes and you're like holy buckets dude you're like super smart and you're gnarly like this that's who i want to be around he's and he's just he's also his whole thing is just like ah it's it's crazy i remember still the first time i saw the got you all in check video oh my god i do however old i was when it was on mtv and it was like during the summer and i remember watching it and just being like what the fuck is going yes i didn't

even know if i liked it i liked it because it was weird but i was like this isn't like tupac how did that how is that a radio song and a music video from the beginning where you're like what the fuck like yeah his whole shit and then like looking at watching his leaders of the new school shit and just like his whole nobody even kind of like there's not a lot of rappers that are like nobody even kind of does it like you yeah because at the end of the day it's like finding a flow and finding your place in the rhythm and like he's like completely doing his own thing like like maybe ski mask the slump god is kind but like that also his feels like drug propelled whereas buster rhymes just felt

like he was tapped into buster rhymes that's the other thing it doesn't yeah it doesn't feel any it doesn't because a lot of people are like weird because they seem fucked up he doesn't it doesn't seem like any kind of like oh he smokes weed to get like that or he drinks it just like feels like that's i think he's alive to be like that yeah i feel like all that hype williams stuff keeps happening when he's off camera yeah and it's like what came first the chicken or the egg i feel like hype observed him and was like whoa i gotta totally figure out how to bottle this well buster rimes just stole an elephant tusk and the elephant is chasing him let's get a camera on that yeah yeah he doesn't even know that was a video he thought it was a documentary i bet you buster rimes was like that

in middle school to an extent where you're just like, man, you are. Yeah. Yeah. No, more confident. You're different. Yeah. Busta Rhymes is supposed to be on the video shoot.

It's 8 a.m. Where is he? Oh, I just saw him down the street in a muscle costume posing with a bunch of buff dudes. Like, oh, let's get the camera on that. Yeah. Let's go shoot that. Let's go shoot that. Absolutely. Yeah. Busta, man. What a gift. I's do that. Absolutely.

Yeah, Busta, man. What a gift. I'm so glad that we're in at the same time as Busta Rhymes and have been for like the whole time. Yeah. And we get to see like Busta Rhymes kind of age a little bit, which is fun. Somehow his head gets bigger. It's so big. And his neck,

it's like a superhero neck, is it not? You've seen him. Yeah, he's huge. You know his neck, it's like a superhero neck. Is it not? You've seen him. Yeah, he's huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that one music video where, like, it was very, the song was, like, very Jamaican, but he, like, was dressed like a military leader, but also sometimes turned into Venom during it, but it was not Venom's fontan?

Oh, yeah. You know that one? Was it that song with Nicki Minaj that he did? Yeah. Yeah. I don't even remember the name of the song oh gosh he's a wild jamaican man he just keeps turning into venom like it has nothing to do with it's not a music video or a song about venom it's not part of the movie it's just like yeah you turn into venom so it's shit the man is what he's trying to tell us too that's another

guy trying to tell us that twerk it song yeah twerk it yeah yeah he's been bringing he's been dropping breadcrumbs for years decades yeah sean time for your third pick i think this man is a bad alien uh and i think i think it's all real i think david blaine is a bad alien i can see that i think i think the shit he's doing is real and i think his demeanor is that of the devil i know the devil's not an alien wait wait you've and i'm not gonna lie you've said a ton of crazy shit on this podcast today did you just say that you believe that david blaine street magic is real if you if you hooked me up to a lie detector test, I have no, nothing in me would let that lie detector test know

that I don't think it's real because I don't know how to explain anything he does. Well, how come he can fly? What was that about? Remember that? I don't fucking know. And anyone who says they know, anyone who says they know can fuck off

because no, you don't. Only David Blaine knows and he's a goddamn alien. i know yes i'm kidding but i'm also not because do i do not fully believe it's magic but then i'm like well how the fuck does he do it so yeah then i do believe it's magic you said that his demeanor is that of the devil yeah i'm worried that he's an evil spirit than you think that he's an alien. He's so dead faced. So there's other, there's other magicians not to name picks, but there's other ones

that are like, wow, those kinds of dudes. And David Blaine is just like, so, so deadpan. Like he's, like he's in school or something. I mean, he just looks crazy to me. I don't know. He, and he looks like he's in school or something i mean he just looks crazy to me i don't know he and he looks like he's plotting all the time um he's so calm he's way too calm for the shit he's doing so yeah i you know my mind my real mind in this world i know obviously it's not magic but i'm like do i though how the fuck do i know i saw ivf i we went through the ivf process that was fucking magic i you know here feminist you want to get me going you want to get me going i'll go he seems did one of you sneak over and put a

nickel in me because i'll fucking keep going you don't think i will dude yeah somebody pulled that key out of his back that's the pineapple mountain deuce finally hitting it's magic he seems like an alien from a planet of sex offenders yeah he's a bad alien man I get so pissed at these fools that tell me it's not real magic I'm like you do it then you can't do it so as far as I'm concerned

motherfucker is magic and that's it round three Sean believes in magic and not just in a young girl's heart And that's it. So here we are. That's all I hear about it. Round three. Sean believes in magic. And not just in a young girl's heart. No. Just like on the street. Just out there in the world.

Time for my third pick. Time for my third pick. Listen. You don't. All right. What? Believe in magic? No. No. A little bit. No. no tiny little bit i think they're comments i think that it's like you believe in ghosts more than magic i guess i think

a lot of times people who are drawn to being magicians are like it's like i don't think it's a great personality that's not we're not here to discuss that though no we're not we're not we will we will be putting out patreon specific stuff where we just talk about how we feel about magicians yeah i have love them bro love them i have a slew of theories yeah love them bro okay i'm drafting tom cruise oh yeah yeah yeah yeah come on you mean the unaged dude's getting younger he's getting calmer he's getting icier that grabbing himself to planes falling off of motorcycles middle tooth yeah seriously oh are you talking about the snaggle tooth that he fixed the middle tooth yeah that middle tooth they're like we built this guy slightly wrong and they're like get him out there he's a prototype he's got two front teeth but one of them's in the middle

yeah always is that he had he had braces and it it corrected a little bit of it but he of them's in the middle. Yeah. Always. He had braces, and it corrected a little bit of it, but yeah, the tooth is in the middle. Interesting. He's got a middle tooth. His portrayals of human beings in movies are extra human. You know what I mean? Like Magnolia?

Like Magnolia. There's no nuanced tom cruise performance where you're like look at him like really playing the uh like playing the minor notes of the human experience no everything is like he paints in three colors you know what i mean but they're still beautiful paintings he's like the head alien that decided he wanted to go check somewhere else out like when jasmine leaves the palace yeah that's what tom cruise he didn't like sense he's like i'm going i'm gonna go to earth and i'm just gonna live by the way i would i would love if from now on you exclusively use metaphors centered around jasmine from aladdin oh i gotta

go to jasmine's really got to leave the palace is there a bathroom anywhere i don't like that one i don't like the you calling her shit one why'd you why'd you run out of that bar in las vegas with that bloody mary it's kind of like when aladdin stole the loaf of bread no no just just jasmine just jasmine yeah jasmine really just left the palace i don't like it yeah oh uh-oh j really just left the palace. I don't like it. Yeah. Oh, uh-oh. Jasmine has left the palace.

It is out of control. Everybody's- Well, there you go. Yeah. This is not poop. That's better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. We'll save the poop one.

Yeah. Poop one will be like a Jafar one. Che Poopy. Like Jafar is coming out of the cave or something. Make a white guy your poop. Yeah. Make it the chef from the little mermaid chris evans is leaving the cave he's even trying to tell you he's pooping tom cruise listen i mean it's an obvious one okay yeah i get it it's obvious but like energy is wild it just doesn't seem like an

energy that a human could keep up for that long no i don't i and he's like that you've been to face to face yeah dude you're on the cake list i'm on the cake list i hope this doesn't get me taken i mean this is a compliment but if he fell over and a little door opened and a little guy was in there and he scurried out i wouldn't be surprised. Shit. Oh, that got me. Because, yeah, that's the perfect. Yeah. Everybody's like.

And it's just. What's going on? And then it's just like a deflated vessel oh man that's so fucking funny yeah yeah no you're right completely absolutely uh oh man we only have like 10 minutes left time for my fourth pick i'll make it a quick one uh rob lowe go back to back actors i get that another ageless dude what's going on with you another dude who seems to not quite be a person yeah he's not yeah he went to that football game and wore a hat that just said nfl that's alien behavior that's for sure that's an alien you're either a foreigner or an alien alien yeah what are you doing here ah the nfl you know i love football i love i love what aren't we doing here i love uh legally sanctioned oligopolies

i also love cold american brand beer yeah dude yeah he's a dry cereal eating motherfucker yeah i get you completely absolutely bobby lowe sean time for your fourth pick um gosh fourth pick lady gaga okay okay i just i like the uh i don't know i feel like she came down here to have a good time she's just out here trying everything out maybe they won't let her try it on her planet or wherever whatever galaxy she's from she feels i feel i should feel more more more lately she feels very human to me in a good way yeah well she's figuring it out i feel like she's she's letting us in a lot more than ever yeah yeah she well she approves she approves of earth so she's like all right i'm gonna be the real me i just saw just some old shit of her and like poker face came on the other

day and i was like man she is gnarly so it just she was on my mind for this draft or she was on my mind and then the topic came up and she was honestly the first person that i wrote down she rules i love lady gaga she was so nice with liza minnelli at the oscar she was fantastic dude she's the best she's so am i stacy stephanie stephanie damn it germanana prick it's okay prick i fucking suck dude i fucking fuck i'm barf i'm barf fucking jasmine really left the palace on that one you prick there you go yeah go. Yeah. Yeah. Well, fuck me. Go ahead, David.

I'm fucking barf, dude. I'm sorry. I'm a big wet pile of barf. I'm barf hitting. Like there's already barf on the ground and then you barf on it. It makes a weird slapping noise. Your red wine barf hitting my shoes on six street in Austin.

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picks. Fourth pick, I'm'm going with and this is like one of those ones where it's like you wouldn't be surprised if you saw a picture of like the 14 whatever picture started and he was in it and like he's always been here and always will be pharrell oh great pick absolutely even something about him looks sort of alien where it's like you look like you're not from anywhere he does he does he looks like from a like he's from a lost civilization definitely not from virginia no that's fucking weird right virginia stop it if you were like he's from montserrat i'd be like oh okay that's what people from montserrat look like okay great so he's like the most gorgeous person ever from montserrat yeah or like he's azerbaijani or something crazy yeah yeah yeah yeah but like he's from monaco he's

just from monaco but like i went to monaco he's just from monaco but like i went to monaco i i know how how'd you like it it's weird right there's nothing going on yeah it's not great nothing weird to be there and be like you always wanted to be so grand you know it's like a hate it's just like if you're not uber wealthy there's not really yeah i couldn't even tell what there was to do for the uber wealthy in monaco other than just to be there yeah it's so small it's just not it's not like the coolest part of that region i will just look their prince prince albert like his mother was grace kelly like this beautiful movie star and his father was like a really good looking prince and he looks like a thumb their prince is still prince albert yeah prince albert doesn't that the wouldn't you pierce your

dick isn't that a prince albert yes did you say still do they have any correlation no i don't think so okay there's been other prince albert yeah i'm sure they have a lot of them in two falls uh pharrell even the synesthesia thing about pharrell. He sees music. Well, that's alien shit, dude. Him and David Blaine probably talk about it. I have a buddy who has synesthesia, though. God, that is so fucked up. Does he use it for anything cool? He's really smart.

He's been at the Colorado School of Mines for eight or nine years. He does science for the government. You guys will meet him next time you're in Denver. Shout out to my buddy, Ryan Jansacock. Another guy who could have made the alien list uh yeah he has synesthesia and when you talk about him it's like one of it's like one of the most fat it's it's so fascinating even when we were kids sam talent doesn't believe that he has it he doesn't believe it yeah but that's just because he doesn't want anybody to be more interesting yeah ryan has it it's crazy for real word he's a pharaoh

peep the features yeah uh final pick uh i'm going steph curry yeah yeah because what's he fucking doing out there what's going on what's going on there's no flaws you have no flaws there's no flaws in you you've never done anything wrong there's one where he shoots like free throw top of the key back goes all the way to half court dot it on then goes all the way back down and then does like a teardrop uh if you if anyone finds that video please send it to me i want to see it again guys if you find it just look up steph curry like shooting warm-up i tried there's so many of them though i'm talking about one specific video but i just don't want to do the work he's fucking amazing fucking love it but yeah that's my and that's

my last pick his real name's wardell alien sean your final pick uh i'll go athletic as well simone biles it's shocking oh yeah it's shocking to me shocking yeah you should it's just it's impossible that a human can do that it's impossible it's i can definitely see that crazy anyway yeah i mean i feel like simone biles is up there for like she's better at the thing she does than anyone else is at the thing they do ever ever like not even close yeah oh yeah i know what you mean sure yeah yeah yeah sean knows because he's like that with driving yeah that's true yeah yeah of course not everyone i'm sure if you like really dug around you could find people that are at my level but you got to do some looking nobody that i've ever

seen any of us talk to ever and i've seen us all talk to a lot of people so not one person you don't know who i talk to i'm saying who i've seen you talk to none of them none of them are there so talk to you i'm saying who i've seen you talk to none of them none of them are there so all right i do believe that i mean i don't believe the thing that i mean i'm sure there's other but i do believe after you made that claim driving and you made like you you weren't perfect no you were just because you were no you were trying to you were looking for things i'm of course i was yes i was looking for things because you made a claim i'm as good as i need to be i don't need to be that on point all the time if i had to be i would be i'm serious you know bruce leaden walk around

beating the shit out of everyone you didn't have to but we saw him beat the shit out of people when it was time give me a fucking parking spot i'll beat the shit out of it put barely think a car can't fit in there measure my car measure a parking spot i'll get in there with inches to spare we don't got time for this eddie's got to go to the vet that's true all right my final pick i'm changing it at the last minute i'm taking sean jordan because nobody could be that good at driving if they were of this earth taking sean patrick jordan only an alien could be that good at driving if he's used to handling ufos obviously a fucking crown vic or whatever what do you drive a white what is it i've been in right now i drive the crip whip blue hunday laura doesn't think this

is funny at all my car is blue i call it the crip whip her car is red i call it the blood mobile she doesn't think it's funny at all it's very funny it's fun well it's pretty funny it's not very funny yeah it's yeah i feel like she just doesn't like gang violence no well nobody does but you know to recap i have to just because i have to take the cat to the vet david boy you went first you took you took shia labeouf kate mckinnon buster rhymes pharrell and steph curry i'd listen to that song john you walk into a bar what do you do You took Shia LaBeouf, Kate McKinnon, Busta Rhymes, Pharrell, and Steph Curry. I'd listen to that song. Yeah, walk into a bar. What do you do?

You took Willem Dafoe, Tilda Swinton, David Blaine, Lady Gaga, and Simone Biles. I went last, and I took Big Boy from OutKast, Shohei Otani, Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, and Sean Jordan. I love it. Yeah. Fun. Sean Jordan and Tom Cruise, dude. Oh, bookends. That was fun, boys. We love it. Yeah. Fun. Sean Jordan and Tom Cruise, dude. Oh, bookends. That was fun.

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Shaslackity Oh That was a HeadGum Podcast