All Fantasy Everything - People You'd Want On Your Side of a Fight (w/ Kyle Kinane, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: November 2, 2017

I'm too sick to come up with a clever description for this, but... we brawling. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Kyle Kinane, Sean Jordan and David Gborie to pick our rumble crews. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The episode that is feigning this enthusiasm right now because it's still recovering from a long weekend in Las Vegas. Ooh, it was Buck though. I loved it. I loved every minute of it. Oh, I want to jump in. We are joined today by Kyle Kinane. Hey, what's up, guys? There we go. I had a buck weekend, too, so I'm excited to share buckness with you.

It got real buck. We're going to go buck to buck. We're going to lock antlers. Oh, buck to buck. Lock antlers. I like that. That's a fucking deep cut. If you want to fucking go buck to buck, too, we'll lock antlers.

You want to go buck to buck? Yeah. Say that at a bar? Monty Buckley. Monty Buckley, Victor Page. Tammy's sister, Nikki, baby daddy to go buck to buck? Yeah. Say that at a bar? Monty Buckley. Monty Buckley, Victor Page. Tammy's sister, Nikki, baby daddy, Monty Buckley? Yeah. One of us. Oh, okay, you're out of this one, too? Okay, good. I was like, boy, you guys

really got an inside track. I'll keep the record. That's a Sioux Falls Sky Force player. Uh-huh, yeah. He was dating my girlfriend's sister, and so we always called her Tammy's sister, Nikki, baby daddy, Monty Buckley, because he was her baby daddy Sioux Falls

Sky Force yeah minor league team it's their minor league basketball team farm team they have a

minor league basketball team you keep that fucking tone away from this conversation that tone is gonna be all in it

I can't have it they're just called Sky Force that's my minor league basketball tone couple things couple things

I'm gonna need you check your tone take the bass out your voice, and help me with the sail. I'll put my shirt on if you need me to, but you've got to explain this. I'm going to need your pants on first, and then the shirt. I can't make any promises. Tell me about this basketball game. Skyforce is like when kids come up with a group of superheroes. Skyforce.

Skyforce. You for sure bring your own hot dogs to a Sky Force game. Yeah, dude. They encourage it. It's own hot dog night. You bring your own chair. They'll grill them for you. Bring that tiger meat.

We'll turn on the grill for you. And by that, they mean they got four cigarette lighters. Carl, go in the back and see if you can't get the damn thing started. And God damn it if you can't. We're still going to have this goddamn game, I'll tell you. What do season tickets cost? Like hand stuff? They pay you.

They pay you? Yeah, yeah. They give you hot dogs. Do they play in the high school gym? Half the season, the other team doesn't show up. It's just intramural. They play the kids in the stands. We're doing half court tonight, guys.

Three and three half court. We can't light the other side of the court, so it's just where Monty Buckley is. We're just going to be on that side. That was his name, Monty Buckley? They're doing a police seized property auction on the other half of the court. Yeah, if you want to get an Astro van and watch a triple-double.

They forgot to put the boards down, so it's still the ice rink. So we're going to give it a shot at stakes tonight. Obviously because the Sioux Falls Storm had a game the night before. The Storm? The Sky Force couldn't play because the Storm was still alive. You guys, the Storm is kind of a Sky Force if you think about it. Unless that's the football team.

Oh. And now I don't know. And now all those Sioux Falls guys are going to come at me. Why do you guys have so many bad teams? Stop. You should consolidate into like a triple-A baseball team. The Canaries?

Don't say that to me. What? They used to be called the Pheasants and they switched it back to the Canaries. Thank God. Kyle Kinane, everybody. Yeah. On the show.

Don't do that. Why are they the Canaries? I don't know. I don't know. They were their coal mines. They were the Pheasants. I was going to say one fart and they all knocked them all out.

They changed over to the pheasants because the pheasants are, it's the state bird. And then they're like, that didn't sound dope enough, so back to the Canaries. Pheasants. Can't believe you left. That got Marissa. She got her. At Kyle Canaan on Twitter. Yeah, I heard him soo fall.

Kyle hates my city because they fucked him out of like four grand back in the day, I'm from Sioux Falls. Kyle hates my city because they fucked him out of like four grand back in the day. I don't hate your city. I hate one guy named Brian Eugene Abramson who was running

for a congressperson, like who was running for government office and I was like, I almost was like about to bring him like, hey dude, do you think when you

get into office you could pay me that 1200 bucks you owe me? And I was like, I'll just leave him alone. Maybe embezzle me. Maybe go in that community chest. But I love like, I'm just concerned about the community. I'm like, man, you ripped me off.

It was a bummer. That was before I knew Kyle, and Kyle was just ripping Sioux Falls to shreds on Twitter. I didn't say anything about Sioux Falls. I said about the one dude. I've enjoyed my time in Sioux Falls. Yeah, yeah. I guess you've been there a couple times since. This comes out on Thursday. Are you going to be in Sioux Falls or any other

American city performing comedy soon? Oh, we're doing plugs up top? Yeah, let's do them up top while people are still listening. This comes out on Thursday? Two days. Yeah, two days. Yeah, Phoenix. I'll tell you that much. I'd rather go to Sioux Falls. You don't have to say it like that, but I understand where you're coming from.

Come to my show next week in Phoenix. That place sucks. It does. I like Phoenix. Where are you going to? You're the one person who likes Phoenix. I had such a great time. I had Charles Barkley.

Which Topaz building are you going to play at in Phoenix? Phoenix, yeah. Somebody's got to still own all those yellow Hummers. Are you at Stand Up Live? Yeah. Phoenix, yeah. Like somebody's got to still own all those yellow Hummers. Are you at Stand Up Live? Yeah. Yeah, man. Somebody from this podcast bought me a bottle of Cutty Sark.

After the Thursday night show, they have live karaoke next door. Or like live band karaoke, get all drunk. I like it. I mean, that sounds like a good time. That sounds like a very specific good time. Yeah. In a larger. Yeah, my good time in Phoenix will be going to Tucson to do a show right afterwards.

Bummer. Leaving is the good part. My dad bought a house outside of Phoenix recently. Really? He's always invited. Yeah, it was outside. He didn't want the hustle and bustle. So like, hey, come hang out in Phoenix.

And I love my dad. You do. You do. If I wish there was one other reason other than my dad to go. There's not. All of Arizona is a wonderful place. Just Phoenix seems like a place where people just stop trying to learn anything. Listen, if you live in Phoenix. Anyway, that's Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Keep listening. Is Ticket still available? Ticket's still available. Oh, my God. And how? Stand-up live is like an 800-seater or some shit. Yeah, it's huge. I got ticket counts yesterday.

I think we broke 50 for each show. That's good. Next week. I hear the week after is already sold out. It's just a gun wearing a T-shirt that says, I shouldn't have to press one for English. Oh, you mean Rodney Carrington. His name's Rodney Carrington.

No, I've never seen. If that's a real T-shirt, I've never seen it That's a real t-shirt. I've never seen it, my friend. That is... That's the Sioux Falls? Boy, you got me. You got me on that one. I coughed up a little beer that I'm drinking.

Anything else we should plug? For me? Oh, man. For everybody. Oh, I'm sorry. We're going around the world. The Boogie Monsters podcast. Boogie Monsters podcast.

Yeah, for me and old Dave Stone. Love Dave Stone. How's Dave Stone doing? He's good. He's got a lady friend, so he's Love Dave Stone. How's Dave Stone doing? He's good. He's got a lady friend so he's not in a van so much anymore. That's good.

Yeah, that'll do it. That's good. Marissa, I thought you made a thing. Our friend Dave Stone, the comedian. He lives in his van. Not a van, it's his.

It's not like a rental. He elects to live in a van. It's nice. Yeah, I think he got a little sick of it this summer with the heat wave. It's funny, I'm sure people send you guys gifts for a podcast.

They do. Someone sent us, they sent the podcast an NES system, old school NES with all the old games on it. What? To Dave. And they sent me Sour Patch Gummy Bears. So they sent the guy who doesn't have a television, a video game system. And they sent me, who lives in a home with electricity, some snacks. He could maybe.

The heart's in the right place. To be fair, you like snacks, though. I do, but I could also just get snacks. The Nintendo's good for partnering. Dave's ordering me. Yeah. With other people who live in vans. Maybe we all chip in.

We can steal a TV. I've seen a TV in a van before. Yeah, that's not. That's a hooker. That's called a recreational vehicle. And people use those once a month maybe to go out into a national park. No, I'm talking about like an Astro van. Oh, like a TV that somebody plugged in?

Yeah, just cigarette lighter. You can put it in the cigarette lighter. Oh, we have one of those in my dad's boat. Yeah. See? It's a boat TV in my dad's boat. Yeah, see? It's a boat TV. It's a boat TV. It's a van TV. There's no difference.

Plug it into a cigarette lighter. It's just a real move-around television. Yeah, yeah. You can't get away from your stories. It's a utility pole. Right, what do you got to like? I got to have my story. Let's enjoy the lake.

I need my stories. I will enjoy the lake peripherally. Yeah. First, I got to find out what happens in a little Nicky, which is what we were watching on. You watched a little Nicky on a boat? Yeah, we had like two VHS. I don't remember what the other one was, but the one that my little sister and I watched, A Grip, was a little Nicky.

Sure. On a boat. Where was the boat? Puget Sound. Beautiful part of the country. Beautiful. Cold water. Beautiful country up there.

Up there in Puget Sound. Gorgeous orcas swimming all around us. Seven gill sharks beneath us. Islands to the left and the right. The Olympic Mountains on the horizon. Right in the middle, though. And there was me in the boat watching Little Nick. Watch him laughing.

Laughing at it. You got to get it in somewhere. The introduction of Popeye's chicken. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You had never had Popeye's before Little Nicky? No, not in Beaverton. We've led very different lives. Wow. What had never had Popeyes before Little Nicky? No, not in Beaverton. We've led very different lives.

What was it? Popeyes early? You didn't grow up watching VHS tapes on a boat? Not on a boat as much. I was in that van. In that van. That's why you've had Popeyes chicken. Yeah.

You can't take a boat through a drive-thru. Not yet. No problem. Sean Jordan, of course, on the podcast. Sure. Sean P. Jordan. Happy. Happy to be here. Sean Cougar Mellon course on the podcast sure Sean P. Jordan happy happy to be here

Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on the gram hell yeah any anything coming up what's new I guess we could talk about Vegas yeah Vegas was gnarly

plug in Vegas I'll be with Kyle in Denver go see that that'll be fun we're gonna be there oh and I guess I'm taping

yeah I'm taping a Netflix half hour on Monday oh hell yeah where's that at I don't know on Monday yeah I that at? I don't know. On Monday? Yeah.

I read the article. I didn't know it was so soon. It's down here. It's in downtown LA. That's going to be a good time. I forget the name of the place. Come on down. At one of those theaters.

Go see that. Yeah. They're calling me. Give it a shot. Vegas. I want to hear about this Vegas trip from you guys. It was perfect. Yeah. guys. It was perfect. Yeah.

Yeah? It was perfect. It was absolutely perfect. We got there on Friday night. Friday night. Reasonable time. Friday, 7 o'clock. Sun going down.

Just seeing the strip when we're driving in. Oh, I was probably driving by you guys on the 10 going out there. Oh, were you taking the Jeep? Yeah, I was out in Joshua Tree just cracking my mind open on a lot of hallucinogens. Oh, my God. My man. I may have been in Vegas. I don't know.

I teleported a couple times. I saw lights. Yeah, there was a part of you. There was a part of you there. I saw magic. I saw lights. So you guys did the Friday drive. That's usually a huge pain in the ass for me.

It was not so bad. We got it. We were like, I feel like we rode the wave. Good company, man. And it's traffic can fucking, yeah. Traffic fucks up when you have good company. I feel like we rode the ass. It was not so bad. We got it. We left early. Good company, man. It's traffic can fucking yeah, traffic bucks off when you have good company. I feel like we rode the wave, yeah. Great. We stayed at the Luxor.

Shape of, Kyle, what is the Luxor in the shape of? Pyramid. Pyramid. That's 100%. Is that really it? It was just a fun point of reference for the weekend. Does somebody not know that? It's one of those fun things to act like you didn't know. I would point to it throughout the trip and be like, a lot of people don't know this,

but hotel on the ship of a pyramid. Fun little joke we were doing. Yeah? Yeah, and then we got you on it without telling you about it beforehand. Yeah, so hilarious. Yeah, it's fun for you. See? Super funny.

That was the whole trip right there. This is a podcast where you just explain inside jokes you came up with. We got a couple whale bones right when we walked up. I've never done that before. Dog. Sean poured fucking. I need to know what that is. A whale bone is like a big, it's one of those like big plastic trumpets full of liquor.

Oh yeah. Like a Vuvuzela with a bottle. I know. Yeah. Like you can get them in the shape of anything, but at this point, probably assault rifles. Cause it's Vegas and they get over.

Oh boy. Absolutely. I didn't even think about that. You probably fucking, they probably had to lie. I had my eyes peeled. I was reading interviews. I was reading interviews two days after the,

like, like, like went across the street and people, it's just still people at slot machines. Like, yeah, it's tragic, man.

It's sad. Yeah. It's sad. Yeah, it's real rough. People still just gambling, sitting at the buffet. It's a resilient city. Look, I get the buffet part. It is a resilient city. Also, that was Old Vegas. You're not gonna, you can't shoot them out. Old Vegas, there's the bar in Old Vegas where

they watched the nuclear test happen. Are you serious? I forget the name of it, but there's a bar in Vegas you can sit there. And it was open because it had a view of where the nuclear test was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's on Old Vegas. Los Alamos. Well, yeah, Los Alamos was New Mexico, I think.

Yeah. You can still see it from there? God, that's so bad. I think there were Nevada nuclear tests as well. I wish I could have seen Vegas like 70s Vegas. Oh, yeah, like Vegas. Some of that. My mom loves Vegas. Sorry to cut you off. No, she's going to agree with you.

Oh, that my mom loves Vegas? Yeah, I was going to say that. That old Deb Kinane loves it. I caught her on the way back. I was out in Moab two weeks ago and I just was passing through and of course, like, hey Ma, you in Vegas yet? She's like, we just got here. Stop by. Did you stop by? Yeah, catch him over at Palace Station.

Watch her put 20 bucks in a nickel slot machine and sit there for five years. I love it. Sue Carmel loves the same thing. She loves to sit in front of a slot machine with a menthol cigarette and a gin and tonic. Oh, shit. I think our moms should hang out. They probably should hang out. My mom's got the Marlboro Ultralights. We've got to set them up in a mud light.

Anything that ends with light. She's just enjoying it. The lights. She never loses money. If she loses money, it's such a small amount. She just likes the thrill. No big money gambler. Just thrill.

My mom likes where the games where there's also another little game inside the game. She'll play the Wheel of Fortune slot machine. Yeah, the big slots. The big slots. Because. The big slots. Yeah, yeah. Yep, because she's a goddamn saint, that one. Saint Sue Carmel. It was... So there's where the nuclear site was and there's Las Vegas.

Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. How far are we talking? This is still on a podcast. It's not far. Like 100 miles is not far? We're talking like, yeah, 100, 150 miles so you can see the mushroom flat. Yeah, I'm going to say that. Yeah, you can see it from a safe distance. I would still watch that today. Would you?

Yeah. I guarantee it. I mean, yeah, my hair already fell out. Let me watch a nuclear test. I already got a freak dog. Oh, it's called atomic lickers. Dick's already huge. It's on slam.

I'm trying to shrink this thing. Give me the fallout. I hope my mom doesn't listen to this one. She doesn't. Oh, she listens to it. So you're going to be in Denver with Kyle? Denver with Kyle. First week in December.

Fantastic. Oh, God. We're talking about Vegas. So he gets a whale bone with a pina colada, right? This monster. This monster. Yeah. Immediately pours a bunch of Jim Beam into it. So he gets a whale bone with a pina colada. This monster! Immediately pours a bunch of Jim Beam into it. That he had on the trip! He brought Jim Beam to Vegas!

Into a pina colada. I don't have a lot of money and I like to get there. Well, you could have done him sick. You could have chased him with a pina colada. He could have got a drink that was supposed to have whiskey in it. It didn't taste like it wasn't supposed to have whiskey in it. It did taste like it wasn't supposed to have whiskey in it. It did taste like it wasn't supposed to have whiskey in it. I mean, you're drinking half the plastic out of that thing anyway, so I guess it doesn't

matter. That's coming with you. I think that's got the BP, the CB, the BP. The BBDs. Yeah, whatever was in the plastic bottles. The BBDs. Yeah. The BBDs.

Belbeth DeVos. Yeah, yeah. Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD. It had the East Coast jam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, itz II Men, ABC, BBD. It had the East Coast jam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, it's all inside me now, along with that whiskey and the pina colada. We got kind of hammered in the hotel room and then went to a skewer's restaurant. Oh, man.

Shout out to Achiza. Dude, your boy had some quail eggs, dog. We had quail eggs. Quail eggs. Little guys? Little guys. I don't think I've had a quail egg. They were like deep fried Cadbury eggs.

They were off the rack. It was great. We had beef tongue, a cheek. No, I like that. No, they weren't. They don't think I've had a quail egg. They were like deep fried Cadbury eggs. They were off the rack. It was great. We had beef tongue. No, I like that. No, they weren't. They weren't like that. They were really good is what I was trying to make. They were, but they didn't taste chocolatey or caramelly.

No, they didn't at all. They were soft inside. I don't know. What did they do? They hard boil them? And then they deep fry them. Hard boiled, then deep fried. Almost like a scotch egg. It's a soft boil and then a deep fry them. Seem like it. Hard boiled, then deep fried. So like a soft, almost like a scotch egg.

It's a soft boil and then a deep fry. Oh, they're still kind of creamy inside. The yolk was creamy. Yeah. Like a scotch egg. You ever have a scotch egg? I love a scotch egg. I want to have a scotch egg.

Britt, we can go to the Cat and the Fiddle. You can get a scotch egg there in LA. Oh, you're going to like it. It's a hard boiled egg or soft boiled egg. They just wrap it in sausage. Like soft, wrap it in that and then deep fry it. Yeah. In there like swimwear. It's really good. It's a hard-boiled egg or soft-boiled egg. They just wrap it in sausage, like soft – wrap it in that and then deep fry it. Yeah. In their, like, swimwear.

Yeah, that didn't take much. We should make those at the house. Those three different parts had me in. Three different – I've been trying to work with Rachel because she's not doing a carb thing. Oh, yeah. And I remember there's a place – it's like all I do is eat pizza all the time. There's a place in – it was called Home Runnin' Pizza.

I don't think it's there anymore. And they made a pizza where the time. There's a place in, there's a home run in pizza, I don't think it's there anymore, and they made a pizza where the crust was just sausage. They just pressed sausage into a pan and then they did sauce and cheese on top of it. I'm sausage over bread in any situation,

to be honest with you. Well, then, I don't think there's a home run pizza in left, but if I can find one of these things, I'll go out and enjoy a sausage crust pizza. That's all I want. You should check out Pizza Boy in Glendale, not for a sausage crust, but if I can find one of these things, we'll all go out and enjoy a sausage crust pizza. That's all I want.

You should check out Pizza Boy in Glendale, not for a sausage crust, but they do have a variety of non-carb crusts. Oh, really? Yeah. What do they put? What? They got like one made out of beets. They got crazy shit. Pizza Boy does?

Pizza Boy. Damn, Pizza Boy is on it, dude. They got like eight, nine different kinds of crusts, and like a bunch of them are no carb. I can't, you know. I bet they have like a cauliflower crust. They do have a cauliflower crust. You know what I'm saying? Cauliflower crust.

David threw up everywhere. Snack! Snack! We haven't even started the draft yet. I know. We're sorry. I did like this Vegas trip. It was great.

So we went to a Cheez-I. We went to a Cheez-I. Your boy ate quail eggs. All your boys ate quail eggs. We drank a bunch of pitchers of beer. I blacked out around that point. And it was decided that we were going to go to Fremont Street. We went to Fremont Street.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Shout out to Big Sam Talent. Yeah, shout out to Big Sam Talent. Oh, yeah, Sammy's out there. He's out there. I came to around Fremont Street. And I was like, what are we doing? Let's go back to the Strip. We're on our to around Fremont Street, and I was like, what are we doing? Let's go back to the Strip.

We're on our way to two different Ubers. We took two different Ubers. Yeah, we were separated. Me and Sam and Shawnee were in one car, and you guys took the Uber first. Who else was there? Who am I missing? Our friend Zach Disconi. Okay.

And my friend Nick Mampay, who you've met, but from Portland like ages ago. Okay. Who's not a comedian. But yeah, for some reason, I really wanted to get back to the strip so I could lose a bunch of money playing blackjack. Yeah, man. You should have stayed. We were living it up. I was drinking Hennessy on the street.

Sean lost a bunch of money. I lost 40 bucks. It's a bunch of money for me. In old Vegas, that's 150 bucks. Roulette's my game. 20 on red, dude. I always just lose anyway, so let me lose it to the big wheel. I roll up, 20 on red. That turns into 40, turns into 80, turns into 160.

Before I even knew what was going on, because of the earlier aforementioned, if you will, whale bone with whiskey in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was a little out of it. Five minutes later, that just turned into nothing. So I could have had $160. That was, you just summed up Las Vegas forever. He called it lost wages from when we got there. Funny little thing we were doing the whole time.

The fun thing, I think Sean came up with it. Sean was doing it. Yeah, I lost a lot of money. I lost a lot of wages, I'll tell you. I'm up, baby. $200 playing blackjack in the time it took to get one drink. And then after that, I was... Was that the Planet Hollywood?

That was... I don't know. Yeah, the drinks never... Drinks always come right when I'm like, I can't play this anymore. I know. You're looking around, then you see her giving another, and then you get it, and then you crap out. That's what I'm saying about Old Vegas.

They come in hot and heavy. Yeah. Because they're all 60. They're just walking laps. They want the steps in. They don't care about the tips. They want the tip. They want the tips, and they want the steps. I didn't know about the free drink thing.

We're sitting at the slots. We're on the ground floor, which is dope. We didn't have to fuck with the elevator at all. Ground floor. Walk around to the slots. David and I are playing. And a gal walks up and asks if we want anything. And I said no.

And the look in his eyes was just like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, I didn't realize it was free to get this Hennessy that we got later. So we just got two probably $20 shots of Hennessy each for three months. No, you got two $8 shots. Yeah. We were dope. But on Old Vegas Strip, it was Hennessy. I bought it out of the store.

Yep. Oh, okay. Drank it with a homeless guy. I think he was homeless. He might have just been old. It's just Vegas. They can be whatever they want. I always feel bad if they're homeless out there.

And then we saw Jay-Z. I know, it's hot. Oh, yeah. And then on Saturday, we went out for- That's where I saw the pictures. Fried chicken and caviar. God. Which was an experience, boy.

Holy shit. It was an experience. Was that you guys picked those two things, or was it a place that is going to give you that specific? I have no idea what happened. It's a place called Momofuku, and you've got to call Momofuku in Vegas. Oh, I know that place. Yeah.

And you call ahead, and you're like, I want to get the fried chicken and caviar. And then we showed up two days later, and they brought it right out. And then it was right there. It's two fried chickens that they do the, what is the Japanese breading? Tempura. Oh, tempura fried chicken. Yeah, tempura fried chicken.

And then they take the skin off. And what you're supposed to do is make a pancake with like this scallion creme fresh, the tempura chicken skin, and then caviar. And then you roll it up and you just house it. It was crazy. And we did that. You guys went to Baller. You guys did Baller Vegas.

Oh, man. Also, shout out to the bidet at Momofuku. You didn't work, but I was ready for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. I lost the first time. I was in Vegas a couple years ago. We just rented a house kind of outside of Vegas.

That's a good move. And then it was like a shitty mansion. We rented this shitty mansion for like 10 people. It was like janky as hell, but they had bidets. And I couldn't come up with enough excuses to just go sitting there. The first time I felt it was in Vegas, my buddy kept getting bounced up rooms. He checked in with his girlfriend. I was coming back from a tour. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to was in Vegas, my buddy kept getting bounced up rooms. He checked in with his girlfriend. I was coming back from a tour.

And he's like, yeah, I'm going to be in Vegas. Stop by. And I forget whatever hotel he was at. He's like, yeah, we're in our first room. And there was fingernails on the floor and stuff. So he's like, hey, I know it's not a classy room or anything, but there's fingernails. That's kind of gross. I'm like, oh, real sorry.

So they bumped him up to some other room. And then he called the person. He's like, just come up to this room he's like go in that room and tell me if you notice something i guess it stunk like nobody's business the woman's like that shouldn't smell like this and so they just got a penthouse like rooms being shitty to shit so i stopped by he's like go in there man there's a bidet i'm like what happens he goes i don't know but i can't stop laughing when i'm on there and i I give him a shot. And I just went and sat on it. And he's in there. He's like shaving or something.

I'm in there just like, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's like, I told you. And then we just had a joyous time. I was so excited. And then I got in there, and the remote didn't work. So I don't know if you know what the feeling is of sitting on a toilet, waiting for your burst bidet, pressing a button, and it doesn't come. I'm sad for you. It's like your dad didn't pick you up it doesn't come. I'm sad for you.

It's like your dad didn't pick you up from school or whatever. I'm sad for you. It was like, oof. I had a connecting flight in Japan and I almost missed my flight because the whole Japanese airport had bidets. Every toilet? I'm just going to kick it in here for a while. I got a notice on my phone like, your shit's boarding.

I'm like, oh, okay. No, my shit just left actually. I was hosing off. I actually like, oh, okay. No, my shit just left, actually. Yeah, I was hosing off. Mine just disembarked. Yeah. Does it get the back of your ball bag? Is that what they're saying? Well, I mean, it's, like, however you want to, it's not supposed to.

It's your angle. You situate your angle. Yeah, I mean, if you want to get hit in the face at the batting cages, you can. I understand. You can fill your cages, you can. I understand. You can fill your fork up with gas. I understand completely. I played football. How many metaphors can we come up with?

Yeah, if you want it to happen, it'll happen. But there's like a heating element. It'll dry it off for you. It dries it out. It's a real pampered situation. Know what I would like? Just like a sprig of baby powder at the end. Is that a real pampered. It's like a car wash. It's a real pampered situation. Know what I would like? Just like a sprig of baby powder at the end. Is that a thing?

Just a little. You know what? Am I on some new shit? If they added that to it, then it's a whole other world. All right. What else? Just, yeah. I just want an old man's cough.

Just a death knell. I want a death rattle worth of baby powder on my ass. One of those old funny laughs. Old funny laugh. That's how I laugh half the time. At Jay-Z, David is convinced the pimp was in front of us. That man was pimping. This white pimp with a top knot.

That was life changing to me. We had pretty good seats. In Vegas. Yeah, in Vegas it might have been. And he had three women who were clearly sexual with him what are you talking about not just the way

you said it we're sexual with him and they were all in costumes hold on real quick I just I was laughing about it earlier we got some sake at dinner and David

holds up the sake he goes it looks like a big glass of cum and the waitress was right next to him. I didn't know she was there, though. Oh, my gosh. I was laughing for an hour.

She was so disappointed. Because here I am, like, clearly new to the bidet game. Just in there, all wild-eyed. Like, hey, that looks like cum. And it was like. Oh, but you know what? To hell with her. Sir, this is a classy place.

Oh, we don't come in here. Las Vegas. This is nothing but the best of the best. Exactly. Oh, we don't... We've never came in this restaurant. I smelled your back. You're projected.

Paris, Monte Carlo. She wasn't being bad. And then the strip in Las Vegas. She was fine. She was just hilarious. Nobody in a restaurant, anyone who works in a restaurant is very okay with cum talking. How dare you in front of the line of illegal immigrants slapping prostitution cards at children when they walk by.

How dare you disrespect our elegant palace in the desert. It was a desert palace. It was. Oh, man. That was a good time. It was a desert palace. It was. Oh, man. That was a good time. It's a pyramid, actually. It's the best time. Shaped like a pyramid.

Yeah, the Luxor is actually shaped like a pyramid. Yeah. See, now you're in on it. Now everybody's in on it. We got to talk about this. David Borey, what do you got? We're going to plug real quick. Oh, come see me in Springfield, Missouri.

Yeah, I said Columbia, Missouri. I was wrong. Quit tweeting about it. Okay. Springfield, Missouri, September 17th and 18th. Maybe my man Keith D'Souza. November. Okay, cool.

Yeah, November 17th and 18th. Maybe my man Keith 30 featuring. We're working on it. If so, bring us a bottle of Cuddy because it'll get gross. Bring that Cuddy either way. If you want to see me, I am at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival in Houston,

November 16th and 17th. Say a word. Say a word. And then Portland, Oregon, December 22nd at Revolution Hall. Oh, hell yeah. Debuting the new hour

with Sean Jordan and Intel. Oh, hell yeah. So we're going to check both of us out. We're going to run out. We're going to run out onto that stage. Blackout drunk, we're going to wake up on Christmas. hell yeah. So we're going to check both of us out. We're going to run out. We're going to run out onto that stage. Blackout drunk, we're going to wake up on Christmas. Hell yeah! So come hang out with us

after that, too. And now, let's get to the draft itself. Dear God, tonight we are drafting people you'd want on your side in a fight. We're basically drafting Rumble Cruise. But parameters... Fictional or real.

Yeah. Dead or alive. Just have to be a human. They have to be a human. But like a human that's fictional. It could be a fictional human. Could be. And we don't want to name names, but they just can't have superpowers.

It can't be like, you know. We don't want people taking Superman. Yeah. Because who's Superman going to fight? I have one more question. No one can take the Green Lantern. Yeah. All right, then I got to look.

I mean, I'm going to have some problems with my list. You can play chess. David has problems with his list every goddamn week. I have one question first and foremost. Yeah. Are we picking I'm in a fight and I got one dude behind me or I'm in a fight and I got five behind me? Five behind you.

Because that's a different five behind me. Five behind me. You got a whole crew. Yeah. I got one dude behind me or I'm in a fight and I got five behind me. Five behind you. Because that's a different, five behind me. Five behind me. Because that's a whole other. You got a whole crew. Yeah. I got a crew. So it's not me and who the one guy I would want that round. Okay.

Who are we fighting? Each other? Ooh. No. Oh, yeah. What? At the end, obviously, we're going to pair rumble crews and see who wins. Okay.

Can I put up who I think we're fighting? Okay. I was 17 years old. i was in a parking lot chewing tobacco not a big deal yeah my friend dougie spits on this dude's car dude hops out of the car giant redneck canadian tuxedo john deere hat yeah probably six four but like farm thick yeah you know what i mean like stretch marks real muscles like real real like built for tough yeah muscles because he used them Muscles because you used them. Yeah, muscles because you used them, not because he was pumping popcorn in your 24-hour fitness.

Yeah. I don't know why I said it like that. Pumping popcorn. You were upset. Yeah, I was really mad. But like, let's say four of those guys. Okay. Sure.

Machineries. Machineries. Yeah, machineries. My team handles them. Just from my B pick. My bench handles those cowards, dude. I wonder if any of them know taekwondo. I'm willing to bet they do.

Kyle, will you say- The scowling gymnastics. Will you say the martial art known as what Ian just said? Will you say the word for me, please? Taekwondo. There we go. Well, why do you say it like that? Because that's how it's said.

He says taekwondo. Taekwondo. It's taekwondo. Taekwondo. Taekwondo. Taekwondo. It's Taekwondo. Taekwondo. Taekwondo. Taekwondo. Sure. That was a kid I went to school with. Tyrese. Bridges. Oh, that's who I look like in rep school. Wait, that's not his last name. Nope.

He mixed up Luda and Ty. I did. Tyrese Gibson? Yeah. Yeah. He's fun in the Fast and Furious movies. They have a good time. He's an amazing singer, too. Don't sound short. Amazing is... He's not an amazing singer. I said what I said, boys. He's amazing. We Fast and Furious movies. They have a good time. He's an amazing singer, too. Don't sound short. Isn't he amazing? He's not an amazing singer. I said what I said, boys. He's amazing.

We determined the order of the draft with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and it's just rock, paper, scissors, shoot. And so here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, shit. It's all right. You threw scissors. I threw paper.

One, two, three, throw. Okay, yeah. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, throw. Okay, yeah. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, dog. Yuck. Sean Jordan wins. The paper beats both the rocks.

That means you can determine the draft order, and I'll remind you, it is a serpentine draft. What kind of draft is that? What does that mean? It's a serpentine draft. It's funny you should ask. Yeah. I don't know anything about fantasy stuff. Well, so serpentine, let's say you were to walk into Las Vegas.

I live in the real world, dog. I live in a real world, dog. I live on real world drafting. Walking into a casino. I got a list of people I can call right now if shit goes down. Burns. Yeah.

I'll call my fucking list and my list will fight your list. A buddy I went to high school with lives in Iowa. He's got an arsenal. You think I don't have a buddy I went to high school with that lives in Iowa?

I got a bunch of Polacks with no future. You know anyone that lives in Dubuque? No future? I was just doing a lot of plumbing work throughout the Midwest.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I'll show up in front. I'm in the area outside of Milwaukee. Serpentine means if you pick fourth in the first round,

you pick first in the second round. So it like alternates back and forth. Like a snake would slither back and forth. I'll just go with it. So you, so like the first round, you pick first in the second round. So it alternates back and forth. Like a snake would slither back and forth. I'll just go with it. Sean, a way to describe that. If you walked into a hotel in Las Vegas and you looked to the right and you were like,

I can drink over there. And then you look to the left and you're like, I can drink over there. And then you just kind of bounce from one video lottery machine to the next. They call them slot machines, not video lottery machines, because they're not from the Midwest. This is the explanation that I'm supposed to understand? You just go from one slot machine to the other. Like a snake would slither through the desert.

You're not even looking at me. No, I gave up on this explanation. I'm looking at my list. You're just getting pissed looking at your phone. Well, no, because I got a lot of options. It's going to work. It's all going to work. Sean Patrick, what are we doing here?

We're going to fight after this. David goes first. Hell yeah. Kyle goes second. Ian's third. I'm last. Oh, you want to double up? Uh-huh.

All right. I want Kyle to get- I want the first draft of the Rumble Crew, all fantasy, everything. David Boy, you're on the clock. So I'm going to set up who my first guy is. Okay. It's 1945.

Yep. The Bronx is burning, or not. I don't know my history. There's a young kid, suffers from alopecia. No hair. The kids make fun of him. They're tough on the kid. Every time he goes out, he goes to school.

He doesn't want to go to school. He wants to stay at home. His mom says, you're special. They'll love you. He's not special, and they don't love him. And they beat him down. They beat the shit out of this goes to school. He doesn't want to go to school. He wants to stay at home. His mom says, you're special. They'll love you. He's not special and they don't love him. And they beat him down. They beat the shit out of this kid every day. They make fun of him because he also likes to wear white all the time. Also, he's part gypsy

so he's got nearing. They yell at him as he walks home. Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean! What? You're taking Mr. Clean? You said no superpowers. He doesn You said no superpowers. He doesn't have any superpowers. He can make a kitchen pristine just by winking at it.

Here's what I'm saying. He's a superhero, but his superpower is cleanliness. No, here's how I interpreted that song. He has alopecia. Yeah, he's got eyebrows. Of course, yeah. You don't have alopecia because he's still got eyebrows. Does he have eyebrows?

Yeah. So he's just a bald white dude? Yeah, he's fucking clean. Here's how I's still got eyebrows. Does he have eyebrows? Yeah. So he's just a bald white dude? Yeah, he's fucking clean. Here's how I just think about it. Does he have eyebrows? I want Mr. Clean in my group jacked, pythons, left and right. Also, he won't ever snitch. He's never said a word.

Shit goes down with Mr. Clean. He has never talked. He's never said one word. Clean's not going to fight because he doesn't like to get dirty. No. He gets rid of grease and grime and dirt in just a minute. I say grease balls, grimy limeys, dirt bags, just a minute. He wants no time.

He needs no time. You didn't even see that shit happen. A lot of grimy limeys in the Bronx in 45. Two potential concerns. The earring could be a liability in a fight. Ripping it up. It's not a liability in a fight. And the other thing, the eyebrows he does have are gray.

He could be a little older. Yeah, I want that wise. Okay, you want that, yeah, yeah. I want that salt on him. All right. I want that street salt. They beat the shit out of this kid. They're yelling, Mr. Clean, Mr Mr. Clean But that's what I'm saying

He internalized that He's a closer You guys don't realize he's a closer That's what Mr. Clean does for money In your head he's from the Bronx He's a fucking maid He's not a maid He's like

Have you ever watched Who's the Boss Yeah Tony Dan's not a maid! He's like a... It's like, have you ever watched Who's the Boss? Yeah, Tony Danza was a maid, but he also was a Golden Gloves boxer. I'll tell you who's not on my team is Tony Danza. But you know what? I wish I would have put Mr. Belvedere in here because he's a fixer. You guys are crazy. You guys are playing my man Mr. Cleanout.

No, I just thought the no superpower thing... Is that a superpower? Yeah, he shows up magically. He's a cartoon. And he shows up and just makes your kitchen clean immediately. Okay, okay. Do I have to back out? I'll back out.

I got other fun stuff. I have stuff. I have objectionable stuff, too. That can happen. I got another first round that I'd rather have. No, it's great. I got shit I'd rather have. It's great.

Don't worry about me. The product, Mr. Clean, was created by Linwood Burton, who's a marine ship cleaning businessman. I want that guy. I want Linwood Burton. And his friend, Matasan Chandramahan, a rich entrepreneur from Sri Lanka. Whoa! In the past, ships had to be cleaned using abrasives or solvents that were able to cut successfully through embedded grease and grime.

So it was originally invented as a ship cleaning solvent. Yeah, you don't think that's tough? You don't think that's tough? He used to drink that shit to get drunk. The Bronx was burning. You guys don't know about it. No, I know. Hey, Mr. Clean, dude.

Dude, who was Mr. Clean based off of? Does it say that? Yeah, dude, you just came up with the whole backstory of Mr. Clean? He did. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. He's got alopecia. You got to fight me to find out.

An alopecian Bronx child? He was invented in 1957 by some guy who worked in an advertising agency in Chicago. He drew him as a muscular, tan, bald man who cleans things very well. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Clean up this problem. Clean up this guy yakking at me over the pool game. I don't know what year this exists in. Hey, clean, get over there.

It could happen in any year. Handle that bag of shit for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Mr. Clean, first guy off the board. I don't even know if he was necessarily on the board. He wasn't on the board. He wasn't. He wasn't.

He was on the floor. I don't think you guys were done. First guy off the board. Kyle Kinang. All right, this is the first one, so it should be the best or the worst one I got. Well, you can play this draft any way you want it. All right, I threw down a few extra ones here. Well, all right.

You know what? Well, tell me if I can't have this guy. He's not really. I want Uncle Pecos. I don't know who that is. I don't know what that means. All right. Is he a real guy?

Well, no, but neither is Mr. Clean. Oh. Uncle Pecos is Tom's cousin cousin which is the mouse from tom and jerry oh jerry it's jerry's yeah jerry is the mouse cousin yeah tom kak uncle pecos he's the one who comes through and sings crambone he's the old country west horned horned he knows crambone and he doesn't give a shit you want that guy in your rumble group

yeah alright cause he straight up pulls whiskers off of Tom oh my string broke here's a my natural predator

give me part of your face to restring my guitar and sing a song at you that's a psycho I do respect that that's a maniac I do respect that. That's a maniac. I do respect that. And he's small, and he's just a traveling musician.

Those guys have seen everything. They've had raw deals in back rooms about not getting paid right, drunken knife fights outside of the bar, and this guy's still pulling whiskers off of his natural predator just so he can keep singing the tune. They just had to eat it quite a few times. Yeah. Uncle Pecos is like, I'm getting paid for the gig tonight.

The gig's going to happen, and you're going to pay me. You pull a knife on him, his blood pressure doesn't go up at all. Oh, no. He does not change. No, he's looking around like, all right, I guess I got to handle the situation. Let me stash my guitar here, and we'll deal with it. Uncle Pecos has been around. He's seen some stuff he's a mouse he's a mouse and yet i want to allow it i, that hat is pulled down so far, we don't know for sure.

Yeah. I got it. Allow it. Let's get these first round jitters out of our system, boys. He stutters, so you know he was made fun of as a kid, but he got over it to have a music career. Career. Especially back in the day. When you had a stutter, they'd just kill you.

Yeah. You could kill the stutters. You'd kill the broken ones. Yeah, you'd kill the broke ones. Yeah, you kill the broke ones. Stutter. That's too bad. I have a little bit of a lisp, and I'll even say a lisp should be made from more than a stutter.

Marcella kept bringing it up. Marcella wouldn't stop bringing up my lisp. She's the only person. I'll meet a person every seven years who will bring up their lisp. Arguello? Yeah. She's mean. She's mean.

She was so mean. She's a stone cold bitch. She's really mean. Say it. Say it. Say it right to her face. Shit. She should be on somebody's team. She might be.

She'd jump into a fight with you. That would be a great fucking pick. That girl knows what time it is. God damn. Ian's thinking about it. I might have to pick her. Uncle Pecos. Uncle Pecos.

First pick. All right. He doesn't give a fuck. No, he didn't. No, he's never about it. I might have to pick her. Uncle Pecos. Uncle Pecos. First pick. All right. He doesn't give a fuck. No, he didn't. No, he's never been cocked up. That's the main thing you want. His physicality might not be there, but you need somebody who's cool under pressure. Sure.

Yeah, if we're going six on six, because I guess we're included in this rumble. Yeah, we are. It's okay to have a little crazy guy who just gets in their head. Oh, yeah. You just want a guy spinning around, breaking shit. Yeah, we are. It's okay to have a little crazy guy who just gets in their head. Oh, yeah. You just want a guy spinning around, breaking shit. Yeah. Okay.

That hat is real low. Yeah. It's a low hat. See what I'm talking about with Uncle Pecos, though? All right, great. It's time for my first pick. I saw what you were talking about.

Listeners, look up Uncle Pecos. Yeah, he's wired. You know who he is. You don't remember who he is. You know who he is. That don't remember who he is. You know who he is. That guy's more punk rock than G.G. Allen. People talk about who doesn't give a fuck.

Uncle Pecos. Uncle Pecos. Punk-os Bell used to be his name. He's gone past. He doesn't need to whip his tiny dick out or eat shit. No, he's just like, give me a whisker so I can finish playing my guitar. Even that is artifice. Even when G.G. Allen was artifice in a way. Have you heard, this is a weird side note.

Has anybody ever done a joke about bats? Like if a bat has a big dick, it's actually a real catch-22 because then they can't sleep. I ate a lot of mushrooms this weekend and I was kind of fixated on the idea that a bat with a big dick would be so unfortunate trying to sleep with your own dick in your face. It's in my face. Oh, I thought you meant it would mess up the echolocating. No, no.

I mean, they sleep upside down, and you'd be hanging there, hitting you in the face. It'd probably be comforting after a while. You think you'd kind of nuzzle up to it? It's your dick. Like a body pillow. It's not somebody else's dick. It's still like a baby. Anything in your face

trying to sleep. That's true. Maybe you use that to hang with. You hang off the dong? What I'm proposing is a prehensile bat penis.

Okay. I don't know. To answer your question, I have not heard anyone make that joke. No, okay. I was wondering if it'd come up. To shorten up the long story. No, I haven't know. To answer your question, I have not heard anyone make that joke. No. All right. I was wondering if it would come up.

To shorten up the long story. No, I haven't heard that. I have not heard that. Sorry to sidetrack. We've got a room full of comics here. The whole thing's a sidetrack, my friend. That's a podcast. That's what they are.

Sorry. All right. What do you got for me, Carville? No, please don't. The whole thing is, yeah. What do you got? Don't say Big Dick Bat. Can't take Big Dick Bat from him. No, I want the little Dick Bat.

I want the crazy one. I want the guy who's mad, but he's well rested. I want that bat that would kill that Big Dick Bat. He's quick. He's mobile. Look at Steven over there. He looks like he slept for two years. Yeah, he's got a tiny dick, man.

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It's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash allfantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. I'm going to take somebody who, if somebody in the fight whips out a weapon, he's prepared to go hand-to-hand against a weapon. I might have been. If they keep it honorable, and we're just going to keep it fisticuffs.

Yeah. It's fisticuffs. If we're in some sort of swamp environment, if it enters a swamp environment, camouflage becomes of the essence. You can't put me on the list. I'm already on my own team. I don't know where the fuck this rumbles.

Well, I can't take you. I wish I could take you. I don't know where this rumbles happening. I need somebody who's good in every environment. Uh-huh. Somebody who's been trained to be a killer. Sure. I'm taking Dutch from Predator.

Oh, that's a good, that's solid. Hell yeah. You know, which one is Dutch? Dutch is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, okay. Yeah. He can lead the crew to victory against insurmountable odds. All the other tough dudes died.

Jesse Ventura, dead. Carl Weathers, dead. He got real dead. Yeah, who's that dude that's shedding his chest? Who's Sweaty Black Guy? Carl Weathers. No, no, no, no, no. Other dude.

He's his enemy in Commando. I'm having some fun. In Commando? It was his enemy in Commando, but then it was his buddy in Predator. Yeah, the bigger dude. The guy who cut his chest? The guy who went to avenge Jesse Ventura. Super dark black dude that's always just like that perfect glistening perspiration.

Matt was at Bill Duke. Bill Duke. So all those people died. All those people were killed by the Predator. And no one can blame them. Listen. Sure. Those were all tough dudes.

I mean, the guy was a killing machine. Yeah. Came to Earth to hunt humans for sport. One guy made it out. And by the way, he didn't just make it out. What did he do before he made it out? Dutch? Yeah.

He didn't kill the Predator. He took him out. Took him out. Got the job done. And by the way, he didn't just make it out. What did he do before he made it out? Dutch? Yeah. He took out, I mean, well, he didn't kill the predator. He took him out. Took him out. Got the job done. Dutch gets the job done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Took him out. So Danny Glover had to deal with him.

Yeah. I know. Danny Glover did have to fucking deal with him. And then he moved to Lake Oswego after that. Danny Glover, resident of Lake Oswego, Oregon. Is that where he lives? Oh, yeah. Wow.

If I could critique my own pick for one second. Gone fishing. That's where he went. He's gone fishing. That's where he gone fishing. Can't, not a good, Lake Oswego, not good for fishing. If anyone was going to buy a house on it, just from this podcast,

assuming it must be good for fishing, let me stop you right now. It's not great for fishing. It's not good. Joe Pesci and Danny Glover were incorrect. Did they go to Lake Oswego in that movie? I just know they went fishing.

They did go fishing. They gone fishing. They did go. Listen, I got cold. My head's not in the game. I've never seen the film. Oh, so you haven't seen it. I just threw it out there.

You're like, Danny Glover lives on a lake. I'm like, gone fishing. I said the name of a movie about fishing. I thought it would all... I thought it would go smoother than this.

What we're doing for the listeners is giving you all the ingredients to make a joke. You make it a home. It's an easy bake oven situation. Get the bowl and the spoon out and whip it up yourself. You don't want everyone to do it for you all the time. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the one critique is everyone else on his crew does get killed. Yeah. So am I, Carl Weathers.

Yeah. If a rumble goes down? But do you want the rumble to go down? No, because you chose him from that specific scenario. Yeah. That's not the scenario that you're in. No, it's a rumble. It's a rumble.

You just know that he survived another rumble. Yeah. And you picked him up. Yeah, you don't have to worry about that. You could survive this. I'm happy with it. You'll kiss the babies tonight. I'm happy with it.

Yeah, you'll be all right. Sean Jordan, come for your first pick. My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius. God damn it, Sean. Commander of the Armories of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,

and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next. That guy wins the bar fight. Was it worth screenshotting that? That guy wins the bar fight. Who's that guy? You're taking the- Gladiator, Russell Crowe from Gladiator. You're taking Russell Crowe, but not the character, right? Oh, I'm taking the character.. That guy wins the bar fight. Who's that guy? You're taking the... Gladiator. Russell Crowe from Gladiator. You're taking Russell Crowe, but not the character, right? Oh, I'm taking the character. Oh, I'm joking.

I know. Maximus from Gladiator. Kyle, you look so befuddled. I've never seen Gladiator. You've never seen Gladiator? Oh, dude, you gotta see Gladiator. What were you doing in 02? You know what? I have a big problem about like, I haven't seen... I don't know what? I have a big problem about... You would love Gladiator. I haven't seen...

I don't know what I was doing. In 02, I was high watching other people play video games. You would absolutely love Gladiator. I didn't even have movie friends. I'd like, we're going to play video games. I'm like, I'll just come smoke your weed. And you'd like watch them play like Goldeneye? Pretty much.

I would get... I did that a lot too, but Gladiator was always on the other TV. But I never saw them play like Goldeneye? Pretty much. I would get jumping on Goldeneye. I did that a lot, too, but Gladiator was always on the other TV. But I never saw Gladiator. Well, that's a good pick. Shit, that made me think about guys from movies. I watched that shit on a boat. Right after Little Nicholas. Was that the other VHS tape?

That was what I wish. Right after Little Nicholas. I feel like you could learn everything you need to learn about life between those two tapes. Gladiator, he's not going to have a sword. I don't care. He does plenty with his bare hands. Also, he's driven. The guy does not get knocked down.

And if he does, he gets right back up again. Another good thing about Maximus is he's not going to start the fight, but he might finish it. Oh, God. He's a gentleman. You need somebody who's not just going to go flying off the handle at the sign of a fight. And that's him. He keeps his cool in a battle. It doesn't matter. He might pick up some grass, rub it between's him. He keeps his cool in a battle. Doesn't matter.

He might pick up some grass, rub it between his fingers. Say one of those weird things, you know? Yeah. Well, today was yesterday, and the battle ends next week. But regardless, we're all still going at it. I don't know if we fought lions. There was a tiger. There was a tiger.

But I mean, there was no like, was there like an arena? There was. There is a thumbs down scenario. There's a couple arenas. Joaquin Phoenix has given the thumbs up, thumbs down. Oh, was he Caesar? He was Commodus. I'd love to just watch play right now.

I think they did. Because his name's like Commodus, which is like toilet. Commode? Commodus? They really stuck it to him. They might have. Well, one of them was Marcus Aurelius. That seems like a real name.

Yeah, that's the older king. Marcus Aurelius? Oh, really? real name. That's the older king. Marcus Aurelius? Oh, really? Yes. That's not like a basketball player? You're thinking of LaMarcus Aurelius. I think you're thinking of Gilbert Arenas. I wasn't thinking of anybody.

I just thought that guy sounded like- You're thinking of Rick Smits, I think, actually. The Flying Dutchman. You're thinking of Larry Bird, number 33. Or you might be thinking of Lafonso Ellis. Is that who you're thinking of? Lafonso Ellis. I don't know any of these people.

Profonso Thorpe. But Marcus Aurelius sounds like a guy who would have a shoe. Like he sounds like he'd be good enough to have a shoe. Yeah. I would wear them, too. I would, too. I'd wear them if they put out gladiators, Marcus Aurelius's. Would you start wearing gladiator sandals?

Uh-huh. Where they go all the way up your arm. Like the strappy strappy? Yeah, calf straps. I wear those to the beach, dude. Walk across some rocks real like gingerly. Whoa, whoa. Just tripping, but I got those things like up to my mid-thigh.

And then that like skirt thing, that's my swimming suit. Oh, the skirt made out of ties? Uh-huh. Made out of business ties? That's my swimming suit. And then as soon as we get to the parking lot, then I look tough for the fight. And then you hope you have all these guys to back you. Russell Crowe, dude.

Somebody's going to kick the shit out of you for showing up to the beach like that. I'm sick in Marcus Aurelius, or I'm sick in Maximus Meridius on you. What was that skirt tie? That tie skirt? It was just the fashion of the day, my friend. Much like jeans are now. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah.

It was just like jeans. It was like they're jeans. Right. Well, I think it was leather. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah. It was just like jeans. It was like they're jeans. Right. Well, I think it was leather. That answers my question. Thank you, Sean. Yeah, yeah. That's all.

I knew it was a simple answer that all you needed. Basically like jeans. All right. Oh, yeah. Shit. With my jeans on. And my jeans on. That's what Dr. Dre was talking about.

All right. So what's your second pick? My second pick? My second pick, I'm going the real life Jet Li is who I want. Actual Jet Li. Actual Jet Li. Real Jet Li. All right. The real Jet Li.

I don't know shit about Jet Li. Talk to me. I think he's got it all. I mean, I think what's going on in the movies happens in real life. Really? And he's never really played that dope of a character. Well, I mean, I don't think he's doing it, but he's got the skill. Wasn't he in Romeo Must Die with DMX?

And he was in DMX at Wounds, too, with DMX. Two DMX features. I don't know how he did it. Kittley is in two DMX movies? You pick the guy who's not the main character in two DMX movies. He is the main character in both those DMX movies. You picked the sidekick to DMX. There's an easy way to figure out which was the main character in each of these movies.

Who got the best actor nomination from them? Jet Li is not a good actor. The movie wasn't called Jet Leave Me Alone. It was called DM Exit Wounds. It Jet Li or DM Exit Wounds? The movie wasn't called Jet Leave Me Alone. It was called DM Exit Wounds. It was not called DM Exit Wounds. Didn't you just say that? Yeah, it's called Exit Wounds. It's called Exit Wounds.

Sean took a little liberty. I did. I'm easily convinced of it. Man, you were so defeated. Yeah. I wouldn't trust a show business karate man. No. Because all they know how to do is not hurt people to get paid. Jet Li is a real one. Yeah I wouldn't trust a show business karate man No Because all they know how to do is not hurt people

Jet Li is a real one Jet Li is fantastic And you need someone quick He did Wushu No that's Mushu Mushu is a martial art and full contact sport Derived from Chinese martial arts There we go

So he did it and he stopped. So he'll take... Because he realizes he's getting hurt and he can get paid to not get hurt. He's 54. I think it probably hurts to work with DMX. He's 54? He's got wisdom. Dog's 54. He knows what time it is. He knows his way around the fight. He picks and he chooses.

His bones are soft. The real life Jet Li doesn't have bones. The real life Jet Li... They don't. Jet Li is a real life Jet Li. They don't do a lot of calcium over there. No cheese. No dairy. They're brittle. I wouldn't trust the old martial artist from Asia.

That's fine. We'll see the crews at the end. We'll see who's winning. There's no calcium in her diet. There's some crazy shit. So he practiced Tibetan Buddhism. That's not that crazy. Li was in the Mdives when the tsunami

the 2004 tsunami hit and it was widely reported at the time that he had died during the disaster but he only suffered a minor foot injury trying to kick the wave back yeah caused by a piece of good to know that he's hard to kill just gonna do a jump spin knife foot and get this tsunami back to the ocean. What you have against you, actor, those are usually soft people, 54, whatever. On the plus column, defeated a tsunami.

Hand to hand combat. Wave to foot combat. Wave to foot combat. I took a lot of that in college. That and Kempo. I was real big into Kempo. Oh, he suffers from college that you go to. University of South Dakota, my friend.

All martial arts. I went to the school of the hard knocks. Just let them take whatever they want. It's $200 a semester. Let them make them up. And I still have student loan debt somehow. Yeah, you graduated a ninja.

Here you go. Congratulations. Here's the black belt. Get out in the job market with that. He was in Lethal Weapon 4. He was. Say what you will about him, but he was in Lethal Weapon 4. The best lethal weapon.

It wasn't the best. Lethal Weapon 2 was the best lethal weapon. I love Lethal Weapon 4. Lethal Weapon 2 is the best lethal weapon. Is Joe Pesci 2? Yeah. Joe Pesci 2? Yeah. Joe Pesci's 3.

Oh, yeah. Leo Getz is in 2. You're right. He's in 2. Bigger role in 3. Lethal Weapon 2 is with the diplomatic immunity dudes. Has been revoked

and then he shoots them off the Tower of Money. I love my mom trying to explain to me how that, like, I was like, how can these dudes just kill people?

And I was like, how would the cops have to just turn their eye? And my mom just tried to explain to me that that's not real. Does anybody have somebody with diplomatic immunity on their list? So they couldn't get their ass kicked. They'd be illegal to kick their ass.

You're assuming we're fighting in America. All right. Smart move. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, then I take UN Chairman Bong Joon-ho. So, yeah. The movie is, I'm sorry, the real life Jet Li. Okay. All right. UN chairman Bon Jovi so yeah the movies I'm sorry

the real life Jet Li okay second pick great so I've got I've got it's time for me to go

I've got Dutch who he's clever you know he's tough but he's also a thinking man yeah he outsmarted the

he outsmarted the predator you know he thought about camouflage and stuff like that. Now I need somebody who's just plain brute force. Yeah. All right? I need somebody who knows-

So you're not going to be that. The plain brute force? You've been in the gym. I like to think of myself as sort of a combination platter, a sample platter of all five things. Five qualities. You're the dead mother of the gang. Right, yeah, yeah, exactly.

I'm making snacks. I'm cutting up orange slices. I'm putting on band-aids. Timmy, you handle this. Jeffrey, the dead mother of the gang. Right. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'm making snacks. I'm cutting up orange slices. I'm putting on band-aids. Timmy, you handle this. Jeffrey, you get over there for that. Dutch. Dutch, get over here. Dutch.

Dutch. Do what you do. Dutch, go cover yourself in mud. Put your face stuff on. Lower your body temperature. Chill out, Dutch. So now I need somebody who's just playing brute force. I need somebody who knows what is best in life.

You know? Sure. To see your enemies driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women. I think I missed one. I'm taking Conan the Barbarian. Okay. Oh, you're taking all Arnold. Am I? I see where you're going.

I see where you're going. He's taking Conan. Am I? He's taking Conan. Is that what I'm doing? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. If the Arnold from the one where he has the baby in there. Yeah.

Because that's the greatest pain a person can feel. Yeah. That's the toughest one. So if you get to the point, I'm not trying to predict your list. Please. But that is the greatest pain a human being can feel. You're also a pregnant guy. You want somebody with, oh, if he fights them while they're pregnant, that's a conundrum.

Right. I didn't mean to go jump on your list. Also, is that two people? Oh, there we go. Ooh, now that's one. We'll get there. We got a lot more draft, boys. It's one.

It's not two until it breathes air. That's true. What if it's kicking? It's got fingernails when it's three days old. Yeah. According to the billboards. I cut a chicken's head off. That's what it was kicking.

At one week, it's got a full head of hair. You're telling me real people don't have fingernails? Did we just gloss over you kicking a chicken's head off? No, cut a chicken's head off. Cut a chicken's head off. That would be so much better. With your razor foot. I don't know what just happened.

Just talking about your toenails like newborn babies have when they're a week in the womb. So whatever. It's tense in here. What? Wait, what? What happens? Is this the hill we're going to die on tonight? Are you talking about babies your toenails like newborn babies have when they're a week in the womb. So whatever. What? Wait, what? What happens? Is this the hill we're going to die on tonight? Are you talking about babies' toenails?

Is this what it is tonight? This is it? This is it? Sean's coming out as strong pro-life right now on the podcast. Sean Jordan does not at all reflect the views of all fantasy everything. Hey, kids. Hey, kids. Can't stand him.

Can't stand him. Listen, let's get back to how I took Conan the Barbarian. That's it. All kids. Can't stand him. Can't stand him. Listen, let's get back to how I took Conan the Barbarian. That's it. All right. All right. Yeah. That's it. He's just a big.

He's a barbarian. He's a barbarian. There's not much else to say. He's got long hair. That's a bit of a liability because you can grab it. Yeah, but you're not getting in there. I'm not getting in there to grab his hair. But what I like.

He looks like best case scenario Shane Torres, which is a plus for me. Best. Best. I don't think that that's fair. Did Shane text you to say that? Who's praying you? Is that a hair only statement? I'm just trying to get some-

Hair and headband. Or is it the icy glare he's emanating while listening to this right now? It's the duck face that he's- It's the icy glare he's emanating while listening to this right now? It's the duck face that he's... It's the icy glare he's having at a coffee shop that he's writing in that he hasn't purchased anything in the last three hours, bro. He's doing a one-nighter in Birmingham. I'm going to be at Shithead's Chuckle Palace. Come through.

Chinheads? Shitheads. Chinheads. Oh, yeah. Why not? I just like a guy who can rock a headband in a fight. And Conan the Barbarian can give that to you. I feel like he could punch out a horse if we get ourselves into a situation with a horse.

What's a horse going to do? I don't know. Get punched out. Nothing after Conan punches it out. That'll fuck your shit up. I've heard stories. Yeah. Yeah, well.

A horse kick you in the chest, they'll knock the wind right out of you i don't care how tough a guy you are they shouldn't be back there take the wind right out of yourself what if this person rolls up walking backwards on a horse to the fight oh then they're reverse saddled kyle you bumped the microphone with your beard. Hold him over the shoulder. Hold the reins over the shoulder. Hold the reins backwards.

It's my only weapon is this horse. Hey, yeah. Hey, yeah. A reverse. A backwards saddle on a backwards walking horse. I broke the microphone trying to somehow describe a backward guy riding a horse backwards. Kyle, you were flailing your beer around so hard you broke the mic. I was trying to like flip.

You got the reins over your shoulders facing backwards. Pulling them towards you like, ah. I like it. That'd be tricky. Yeah. I'd win one of them horse dancing competitions. When was the last time that anyone in this room rode a horse? I've ridden a horse once in my life.

I have too. I was about six, I think. I was 12, I was about 6 I think I was 12 maybe I was 19 in a rainstorm and it actually slid down a muddy hill Really? I have great respect for horses that with me on it's back

not knowing what I was doing it kept it's feet under it's self How big was this hill? I mean it was in Georgia and then it went into the water and it swam a little. I was on a swim. With you on its back? I think it did that.

Were you rustling cattle? Are you sure this wasn't this weekend in Joshua Tree? I was smoking a lot of pot at the time. But I think a horse can swim with you on its back. Well, that's fine. That's gnarly. Somebody should check it. But fuck, I'm going to put a horse on my list.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying. Backwards horse. There's the fucking horse. Yeah, backwards horse. I got backwards horse. I put a horse on my list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying. Backwards horse. There's the fucking horse. Yeah, backwards horse. I got backwards horse. I rode a horse. I was this big probably when I was 12, too, and I just felt so big.

Are you serious? Yeah. I was gigantic. What the fuck? Well, maybe not quite. That can't be true. Still wearing the same clothes. I was pretty big.

Animal t-shirt and carpet shirt. You couldn't have been as tall as you are now, though. I was probably 6'1". Wow. I was pretty big. And we rode these horses at the one year of Boy Scouts I did. We rode horses at Boy Scout camp. That's the only place I ever rode a horse.

And I just walked up to the horse. I'm like, sorry, man. You drew the shitty card today. Maybe you want to stretch out a little bit. You're about to hop up on there. I'll try to sort of deflect the weight as much as I can. I don't know what the operation with that is. I felt so bad for it.

This poor fucking schmuck horse. I bet he was fine. He loved it, right? You make a sound that lets me know and I'll get out of here. It was not making fun horse noises. The whole time I felt guilty. You're earning your carrots today, horse. Let's go rumble.

You're in my crew. It felt like an unsatisfying experience for both of us. Give him a few more apples. I mean it. Give me one while you're at it. I could probably use some fiber. Hit it at. Yeah, Conan the Barbarian.

Conan the Barbarian. Conan the Barbarian. Conan. Kenan, what you got?ian. Conan. Conan. Conan. The Barbarian. Conan. Kenan, what you got? For my second? Round two. All right. I got Uncle Pecos on there.

Small little rodent. All right. Well, I got Uncle Pecos because he's cool under pressure. Now, who was talking about needing a maniac? I was talking about needing a maniac. Anyone who's ever been in a fight should be talking about that. Like, a straight-up maniac? Oh, yeah.

I want Genghis Khan, but the one from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Shit. Like, a no-holds-barred, like, I don't even trust him, and he's on my side. I don't even trust him. He could kill you still. Because this guy might, he's going to kill or fuck everything. Like, that's what he's going to do. If there's anything in a hundred foot radius, it's getting killed and fucked.

And just to keep in mind, he's still the dude from Die Hard. He's still like, was the crazy Asian gang member of all, like any movie that had a crew of villains in the 80s. He was the Asian guy. Yeah, that's right. He was, wasn't he but his i think his best role was as maniac genghis khan with free reign of a sporting goods store the football helmet and the bat really yeah when he's allowed when he's allowed access to weapons it's like he's an outcast he had a gator deck he had a gator deck that he took off on he took off

on a vision gator mark rogowski yes mark he took out which another He took off on a Vision gator. Gator Mark Rogowski. Yes. He took off, which another straight up villain. And I want to think he knew like, this guy, I'm picking a gator because this guy's a fucking psycho too. He's going to bury his girlfriend's friend in a circle of bed. Real recognize real?

Yeah. I think that's exactly it. And so I'm going, yeah, that's Genghis Khan from Bill and Ted's. That's perfect. Yeah. That's solid.

There's no critiques there. With access to the sporting goods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Post-sporting goods store. Give him access to modern, not even weaponry, but sporting goods and he'll make it work. He turns them into weapons pretty quick. Yeah, he knows how to use them. That bat when he just grabs it and fucking that mannequin.

Twirls it and knocks the arm off the mannequin. He didn't make friends with the other guys. Socrates and Abe Lincoln were pals. Everybody else was kind of cruising around. Billy the Kid was pals with Bill and Ted. Everybody was pals in that. Now Genghis Khan was going his own way. The Sandimus Mall.

He was going to fucking fight his way out. Yeah. For no reason. Nope. That guy just wanted to fight Genghis Khan. He just wanted to fucking feel, man. He was still Genghis Khan. Everything looks like a nail.

Yeah. Hammer it. You keep Uncle Pagos in between was still Genghis Khan. Everything looks like a nail. Hammer it! You keep Uncle Pagos in between you and Genghis Khan. He's the one keeping the cool. Oh, Genghis needs a tune. Let me bring him down. Let me bring him down with some campfire

jingle. The only thing to consume is a savage beast. A little campfire ballad. That's the only thing that gets Genghis Khan to put down his Louisville slugger. That's gets Genghis Khan to put down his Louisville Slugger. That's... Genghis Khan. Hell yeah. David Borey.

It is time for your second and then third picks. You're talking wild cards. My wild card. I want somebody who's just going to jump in there and bite a fucking dick off. I'm talking Grace Jones circa 1989. She will kill your shit. Yeah. She used to fist fight her husband.

She's Jamaican. Yeah. Jamaicans? You need a Jamaican. She's Jamaican as shit. She's like punch a car window out Jamaican. Dude, Jamaicans. I can't.

What do you mean, what do you know? What do I know? And then she's like, I feel like she would just have razor blades tucked. Yeah, yeah. Grace Jones would fuck your shit right off. What do I know? Remember in football when they had like a, there was that term like first guys off the bus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where like you always wanted to have your scariest dudes guys off the bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where like you always wanted to have your scariest dudes getting off the bus first. Oh, yeah. If you were huge, you sat towards the front because you wanted

the other team to be looking and then they see like four, six, four dudes and they're like, fuck! Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're here! Not knowing there's a bunch

of like 5'1 fucking like kids who ate ranch dressing for lunch. Start with your best material. Grace Jones is off the bus factor. Just like scary looking. Just her there lurking. What the fuck?

I figure I'm probably starting the fight. I'm jaw jacking. She's just pacing behind me in some sort of crazy space outfit with like high thigh boots. The flat top. Just jaw bones. It's a space outfit but with Outfit with high thigh boots. The flat top, just ready. Jawbones.

It's a space outfit, but with shoulder pads that go out real far. Have you ever seen the Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson scream video? She's dressed like that. Her pacing behind you would make the guy beating you up second guess what he's doing. He knows if he beats you up, then she's jumping in. He's just the intimidation. I'm going to leave you alone because I don't want to deal with that. A hundred percent.

I don't want to deal with that. That transformer back there. Oh yeah. If anybody's handing out like some sort of crazy street drug beforehand to get you guys amped up. She's got it all. She's got some shit that you take in a new way. Yeah.

You don't even know how to do these. She's got these fucking eye drops that she bought from some kid in downtown Manhattan. Shoelaces. That's something that'll get you fucked up. Yeah. You dip the shoelaces in the gutter and then you wring the water out of your mouth.

Rub this lotion in your ears. Put this Q-tip too far down and you just turn the fuck on. These are the keys to your V12. Yeah, yeah, of your heart. Like, yeah, she's going for Brooke, Grace Jones. And then that's my third, second pick? Second pick.

So my third pick, also throwback. I'm saying a young, like, and this isn't the later years. Don't get it twisted. I want, because I need a leader of my team. I need a captain of my squad. I want a young, robust Theodore Roosevelt. Oh. Motherfucking Rough Riders.

Okay. Fucking cavalry. Goddamn bugle horn and a sword in the bar. What are you going to do? I got Graceones with me he's next to her yeah he's calming her down and then when he can't calm her down he just yells bully and the fight starts i feel like they take turns calming each other down like it's one of those situations like on the low they fuck yeah and their kid was barack obama or the seed

the eventual seed the eventual lineage yeah Somewhere in the lineage. Yeah, somewhere in the lineage. Yeah, I think it got perfect. It was too savage at first. Had to tone down with years of Hawaii. Kid was eating other people's dinner. He's like, no, no. You get the one. You had to send that to paradise and soften it up for a full generation.

Before it could leave the nation. There were some wild oats to get soaked. We need to beach tune this kid for a while. He's got it down there killing wild boars. We need to shock-a-bra this one out a little bit. You go take a chill pill, buddy. We caught him eating squirrels a little bit. Oh, man, calm him down. It's too wild, man. We caught him eating squirrels a little bit.

Oh, man. Calm him down. He's too wild, man. He's got about six generations of the beach in you, playboy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to give him that Buffett treatment. He was a sickly child. Yeah, that's why he was so strong as a man.

He was a sickly child. Yeah, he was a sickly child. He caught up with him. When you're told you're sickly and you're of that era, you end up being pretty tough. Yeah. You gotta be. I'm either gonna die or fight everyone. I think that he would be, I think that's a guy I've never, obviously there's no footage of him fighting,

but like, man, you don't think that guy could throw hands? I'm sure he could. What did you say? Bullying! He wandered around the Dakotas for a while. Yeah, you don't just wander around the Dakotas. He did. Sean had a home in the Dakotas. Look how wild he is. He's wild.

That's Dakotas with a roof. Imagine no-roof Dakotas. Jesus. I bet you he ate a Native American. I'm going to eat your guts. How about that? I'm going to turn around and eat your guts out of you he was a hunter here's how fucked up he was he was a new york state assemblyman in 19 in 1883 right so he was in the gut the local government new york grace jones was born 1885

that's when he's in the badlands building ranches and shit. He left a life of government behind and then just went hunting. To go to the Badlands. To go to the Badlands and build ranches. He sought out the Badlands. Badlands are rough, dude. Yeah. Oh, I bet. Yeah, they are.

It's like building on granite. It's intense. There's nothing around there. Deadwood's right over there. Oh, man. Probably picked himself a DZs or two, maybe beat those. I think he beat them all. Yeah.

Only polio. Yeah, man. Not the rough rider I expected you to take, but... Yeah, I was going to take Eve, but you know what I mean. Also, just in case it goes down and it's old Teddy Roosevelt, I think he's got the pump under the polio bike.

You know what I mean? She goes down, pulls off, he's got the shot. He's sneaking in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody's going to fight the old guy in the chair. What's he going to do? The ex-president. Franklin Roosevelt had the polio blanket.

Oh, well. All right. It's a good family. He could be under the polio blanket anyway. Yeah, it's a disguise, dude. Teddy could be under there. Teddy's down there. Yeah.

Teddy, though. Yeah, Grace Jones and Teddy, man. The original Rump Shakers. Grace Jones and Teddy. The original Rump Shakers. Canadian, it's time for your third picker. Who'd be on your Rumble Squad? Alright, so I got the maniac.

I got the one who's gonna keep it cool. I feel like I need a distraction in there. Yeah. I feel like you need a distraction, somebody who's going to be like a runaround gesture. You're like, oh, I got the maniac coming in, but you're going to see Genghis Khan coming in. I like where you're going. Who's coming in as the distraction?

Howie Mandel. David Lee Roth. I knew. Of where you're going. Who's coming in as the distraction? Howie Mandel. David Lee Roth. I knew! Of course you're going to pick Diamond Dave. Diamond Dave is badass in his own way. You want to talk about your martial arts, the guy's been through, the guy's a gymnast. You just watch his performance. That's true.

I was wondering all day how you were going to bring in Diamond Dave to this conversation. You knew it was actually the first thing on my list. I'm like, I've got to figure out how to justify it. Diamond Dave. I'm going to build a team around this guy. Diamond Dave. Okay. We all know him as the first and best front man of Van Halen and in his solo career.

It's not called Van Hagar. I saw that from a documentary called Joe Dirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not called Van. Okay. I was thinking about your comment in the documentary. It was very funny. What? I was mumbling to myself but I'm trying to

fucking backpedal on how I'm justifying Diamond Dave first off I just want him around no matter what because I like Diamond Dave he's there for morale any situation I'm in if David Lee Roth was there

it was either that or it was going to be Rodney Dangerfield but I don't think in a fight Rodney Dangerfield I think you want David Lee Roth was there, it was either that or it was going to be Rodney Dangerfield. But I don't think in a fight, Rodney Dangerfield is going to help me out. I think you want David Lee Roth out of those, too. Do you know this about Dine and Dave, though? After Van Halen became a mountain climber around the world. No. And was a paramedic in New York City. After Van Halen went to become a paramedic in Manhattan.

Really? He achieved that yeah he didn't just like that wasn't a pipe before he was a singer he worked in ers and stuff as i don't know what he wasn't a paramedic but working in emergency rooms not as a nurse or somebody was doing nursing school and was like a flamboyant singer in a pasadena area and joined up with van halen went back to just be like, he's a man of the people. He's, he's all this flashy fucking psycho dude, but he went and became a paramedic, a licensed paramedic in New York city of all places.

He can handle blood and guts. So David Lee Roth could dress the wounded on your team. If you're getting your ass kicked, you got diamond Dave in there and going zippity bop, put pressure on it. You know, he's like, well, you know, you got Diamond Dave in there going, zippity bop, put pressure on it. You know? He's like, well, you know. And you know what? He's always going to be there.

You know why? He ain't got nobody. He ain't got nobody. He ain't got nobody. He ain't so sad and lonely, so he's going to show up for the Rumble. He's like, is it Rumble? I'm going to be there. I got it.

I got it. I got it. Boy, zipp, boy, zipp, bop. Zippity bop. How many people were struck by a car laying in the street, David Lee Roth thinking like they hear an ambulance, oh, God, thank God, I'm going to be okay. David Lee Roth shows up and they're like, oh, I'm dead.

I'm definitely dead. Because that's David Lee Roth as my paramedic. Can I give you a joke that will never work anywhere else? Yes. I was worried about my future, so I opened up a David Lee Roth IRA in case when I get older I ain't got nobody. Kyle, you know it works right here. I was so proud of that joke when I wrote it down, like, I can't do that anywhere. I just saw it work. A David Lee Roth IRA.

In a world where you get to perform comedy to only a room filled with other you's. I think Diamond Dave's he's a limber man. He's jumping around. He's going to come in. You give him a weapon. He's all of a sudden he's from the rafters down. Quick in the neck.

I agree with that. And an outfit change and you don't even know if it's from the rafters down. Quick in the neck. Quick in the neck. I agree with that. Scooby-dee-boop. For sure. And an outfit change, and you don't even know if it's the same guy that stabbed you. Three strengths, I think. That man could kick his own head off. He's got a high kick. Yeah?

Two. For time untold, man has marched into battle to drums, to fives. I mean, even in that Mad Max movie, there was a guitar player. Music can help. How about some scatting? The people fight. Maybe a little scatting. He's in the back scatting. Third, Jewish. I like that.

Are you a Jewish? I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. You know Ian's Jewish? Yeah, he's a Jewish guy. I never talk about it. Maybe first, maybe last Jewish guy.

We'll see if I can find any Jewish Arnold Schwarzenegger characters. I like David Lee Roth as a pick. Yeah, of course. If he catches one wrong punch, it might be over for him. But as long as he's light on his feet. He broke his own nose

when they were back on Jimmy Kimmel, went off, got a Band-Aid, and just cranked out tune after tune. Did he really? Yeah. How come we never heard about that? Me and Brian Cook went down there to see it. He hit himself in the face with the mic stand, which is a point against him. As if those are nunchucks or a sword or something.

He's dead. It's over for him. But on top of that, hit himself in the face, went off stage real quick to get the nose straightened with a bandage on it, came back out, eat him and smile. Did the show. Oh, that sounds like it's a bummer. Oh, man. It was great.

Everybody's like, oh, Dave. He's like, hey, it ain't rock and roll unless there's a little bit of blood. What a good... It ain't a fight unless there's a little bit of blood and a little bit of rock and roll. David Lee Roth, getting shit done. For my third pick. David Lee Roth, IRA.

IRA. Irish Republican Army. David Lee Roth, Irish Republican Army. A David Lee Roth IPA. That's what he should do. Open a brewery. I David Lee Roth IPA. That's what he should do. Open a brewery. I'm so off IPAs. I can't handle them anymore.

That's a lot. I was never. I've been that cool guy where I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, give me something pretty IPA. Yeah. I fucking hate them. They have them in green rooms a lot, I feel like. I want a Coors Light. Yeah.

I feel like they think comics have been around. They're like, no. And they're like, no, I want 60 Natty Lights. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And a bottle of whiskey. Yeah.

How's it just pick up a bottle of whiskey? I don't want to feel like I ate at the Carnegie Deli right after I got a club soda to cut this beer with. For my third pick, I just got to get them off the board. Sure. I just got to get them off the board. But I have already one commando on my team. Oh, shit.

But I don't have the commando until now. I'm taking John Matrix. Okay. The commando. The commando. His name was John Matrix. John Matrix. Whoa.

I didn't know that until today when I was looking at the top guys. Son of Alan and Gwendolyn Matrix. Oh, really? No. What was his daughter's name in it? What was... Oh, my God. What's her name's name?

That's... I wish I could pull that off the top of my head. Jodie Sweetin. Jodie Sweetin Matrix. She's a big fan of Full House. She just named... That's... That's a good pick, though.

I like that. Commando was one of the first movies, like, as a kid, where I was like, of all the Schwarzenegger movies, I was like, this guy's the boss. Over twins? Let's stop naming Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. You guys don't... I mean, we see where you go. They might come up later.

You don't smell what they're... Here's what I like about having John Matrix on my team. Always going to have when he knocks somebody out, he's going to have a catchy phrase like, hey, have a nice nap, or something like that. That's a catchy phrase? Yeah. You've been rendered unconscious. Have a nice nap.

Now you are asleep. But it's got to say something like he snaps their neck and he goes, have a nice snap. Something like that. It's gotta be like a pun. We're working towards it. We're in the room. We're in the room. We didn't give it out to the host yet, but we're in the room.

Maybe snap into a Slim Jim. Maybe he's there, yeah. And he kills my, well, he breaks their neck with the device you use to break into cars. There you go. Oh, yeah, sure. Snap it to us. Oh, yeah.

Double pump. Is he that smart? I don't think so. He'd tie a flag. There's a flagpole kind of thing. And he'd wrap somebody's neck up in the rope and then shimmy them up really quick. And then he'd be like, but also before this, he had cut off their legs. That's what I forgot to mention.

And then he'd be like, salute your shorts. Because it looked like the guy had, he was a flag. Wait. But also his legs had been cut off. For those of you listening who thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was just in the room, that was actually Ian. Was anybody else at all curious in the mid-80s? And I'm not saying I was, I mean, I was in the gifted classes. Yeah.

But I'm not saying I was much smarter than anybody else. But I always had an issue with. Oh, the gifted smart class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some real advanced placement stuff. I thought about the touched class. And I'm not saying, no, no, no, no. I was definitely past the average.

But I always had a problem with Arnold Schwarzenegger always being part of a crack team of American military. This guy who clearly sounds like he got here three months ago is always a part of a U.S. military unit. He's the leader.

In every film, this guy that can't really speak English is always fighting the Predator or they need him back in the army in Commando. I like to think he's like a mercenary. Some movies they would have one. All right. Like a soldier of fortune.

Okay. They would have one line to explain it in some movies. In other movies, they just didn't even bother. Yeah, they were just like, fuck you. That's why he's here. And I accepted that reason there's always a little bit of me like is anybody it's just a little bit out of the character yeah and it's when we were fighting like it's when we were at war with russia and austria is not russia

but it's close enough that it would have made way more sense for him to be the right there right yeah yeah you're not the only one who had a problem with that no no that was it sounds like we all had a problem the only time he went bad guy was when he was a robot from space he was also still very german right yeah and why was the robot german and is it did the aliens were they just like was the did the beam go we really gotta drive this home that these are not good robots yeah we don't want kids running up and hugging our robots. Oh, God, the robot. No.

No, you get away. Yeah, why did the robot have to have muscles? That's another great question. It's a robot. Yeah, it should be lean. Shouldn't it be the smaller? Why does a robot have to look like it also works out? Yeah, when you see...

This robot's been hitting the gym. High reps, no low weights. A lot of proteins. A lot of proteins. It's mostly diet. This guy's not even drinking water over here. How does that make C-3PO feel? He's also a robot, and then he's got to look at

fucking T-1000. C-3PO's like the DJ Qualls of the robot acting world. He's a punk. Just like barely there. Oh so much neck. So much neck. So much Adam's apple.

I boinked her. Was anyone going to pick DJ Qualls that I bought? I was going to take one. I was going to take this one. DJ Qualls from Road Trip? I'm going to be four Arnold Schwarzeneggers

and DJ Qualls. Road Trip? There's going to be four Arnold Schwarzeneggers and DJ Qualls. I'd be terrified of that team. That's what I'm saying. I'd be terrified of that. What's he doing there? Get my ass kicked by four Schwarzeneggers, and he's not even done anything yet. DJ Qualls is eating a peach. He's just holding a broom.

He's eating a peach. Sean, it's time for your... Yeah. It's my third and fourth, right? Third and fourth picks. So third is going to be Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York. Oh. I need a guy who heard that you cut people's hands off and you're coming to the fight.

So you show up and he cuts his hand off right in front of you. And he says, let's fucking fight. Yeah. I need... That's my lunatic. Did he do that from the movie? No. I was going to use an eye joke, but that would have been too on the nose.

So let's say you come to a fight where a guy cuts off noses. He'll cut his own nose off right in front of you. To despite his face? Uh-huh. Did he do that in the movie? Did he cut off a part of his body? No. Listen, he was real cool in that movie either way.

I'm just saying he's fucking- That's the Daniel Day-Lewis guy, right? Yeah Did he cut off any Did he name himself in that movie? He was villainous He was missing an eye for somehow Oh, okay

Was he? He had like a stone eye Or no, glass It was glass Yeah, and it had the eagle from the American Quarter on it Oh, that's right That's right, yeah, yeah He was just so tough

Just so tough He was one of the crazy tough guys. Also, he's in New York in the 1800s where everything just smells like shit. There's no environment where he's not going to feel comfortable. He really should have cut off his nose. He should have cut off his nose. The eye, that wasn't the problem. Still a beautiful city even in those days.

There's not a lot of talking about it with him. He's more being about it. Now we'll see who holds sway over the five points. If people start talking about the fight, he just walks up and starts the fight. No, we don't need to mince words. We can just start the fight. And he hates the Irish. Which is what I'm nervous about on your team.

Good for you, Sean Patrick Jordan. I can't imagine he's thrilled about Jet Li either. We all took a lot of classes. That's true. We've been going to night classes, therapy sessions to try to get better with each other. I like that you guys are also a peer group. Yeah. Do you hang out at other times too?

Yeah, today they got in a fight, but yesterday they went to the beach. Uh-huh. Yeah, we do skill buildings, a lot of trust falls, things like that. We did this game when we first met where we all put the city that we were from on the back and we all had to ask each other questions to figure out which city it was.

I want to do that with my son. Because he doesn't know me. Yeah, man. Bill the Butcher. I think that's a good... I think that's solid. And he's a fighter. I mean, in that movie, that's all he does is fight and talk about fighting. Yeah.

And he's a weapon specialist. And get hammered and burn people. Yeah, he's gnarly. I respect that. I think that is a good... That's who you want in a rumble. I feel it. He was a pugilist, too, back in the day.

In real life? Yeah. Or in the movie? Apparently, there's a real Bill the Butcher. Yeah, that movie is based off the book, right? It might be two different people, though. William Cutting? Fairly accurate, right? William Poole is the real Bill the Butcher.

So Bill Cutting... William Cutting was his name in the movie, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bill the Butcher Cutting. It's just tough. Just my dude. I'd take him in a fight. I like that.

You know what's crazy is you'd never take Daniel Day-Lewis in a fight. No, no. I don't know enough about it. What's he like? What's he like? He's a method actor who would adapt to a bowler. He's made of scarves. D-Day for real isn't getting picked in my group. I've never seen what he looks like just like walking around.

It's scarves. That's why. You never know who he is. That's true. He's always just Abe Lincoln. He could be in here right now. He could be Ian. It's Marissa.

It's Super Producer Marissa. Played by Daniel Day-Lewis for this episode. Super Producer Marissa played by Daniel Day-Lewis. I want to see Daniel Day-Lewis be Christian Bale. He could do it. And see him out-method each other into a point where they're just so lost. They just play biopics, but they play each other. They never come back.

Yeah. That'd be a funny sketch. They would enter each other and then die. That's what I think would happen. Bill the Butcher. All right. And your fourth pick? My fourth pick is going to be anton

chigurh from no country for old men okay i get it so we're getting into the prestige films now in this brawl he doesn't get his cattle gun necessarily but you're still with it well if kyle if genghis khan gets his bet, then Anton gets his... Yeah, but that's a gun. It's an air compression thing. It is a gun. You know it's a gun. Either way.

He's going to make do. Without that gun, without that thing, he's just a straight up absolute psychopath. And even if he goes in and takes the L, but it takes like three people to do it, that's when other people are coming up behind them and like, you know, say they're pulling Conan's hair, for example, like would have been the problem earlier. Yeah.

That's when they get the chance to do it is when he's pummel face pummeling Anton Chigurh because he's a lunatic and he just walks in laughing. Yeah. I think I like the psycho vibe. I like that. He's a psycho. He's terrified. You just got to worry about controlling him. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I like that. I'm a psycho. He's terrifying. You just got to worry about controlling him.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, you might want to turn on your own crew. That's where the skill building comes from before the fight. We do skill building exercise, me and my whole crew. Trust falls. Okay, yeah, that's why I got Diamond Dave and Uncle Pecos to let everybody know how it's going to happen.

You're drafting a band. You're drafting a crazy band. Well, that's like a happy accident. I'm kind of thinking I'm going to get my ass kicked anyway, so who do I want to have around while it happens? Who do you want to console you is what this turns into. Yeah. Who do I want by my side while we go down?

I like how Anton Chigurh is a bit of a man of principle, too. Oh, okay. He flips the coin, lets that guy live. He's got a couple rules, which makes him kind of icier, lets that guy live. He's got a couple rules which makes him kind of icier, kind of scarier. Yeah, I'm with you 100%. I think it's a great

pick. Sweet. That haircut, too. I know. He wears that out in the world. Is he doing that himself, or is he walking into a salon? His mom does it for him ever since he was born. That's like if you want to go into backstory of that. I'd like everyone to try to do their best.

I think the hair is afraid to grow any longer. I'd like everyone to try to do their best to untouch it. He's scared his hair to stay like that. He doesn't cut his hair. He scares it to a certain length. It doesn't dare shrink any further back and it doesn't dare grow any longer. It doesn't want to show weakness. Yeah.

He just told his beard to not grow. His hairline is just constantly on edge. Am I in the right place? Am I doing the right thing? Is he going to kill me with that gun? Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, right?

We're cool? These boots are a size 12. Okay. All right. We are. We are. Call it. Call it, friend-o.

Is that even close? It was good. I didn't know he wasn't here. Yeah, no, well, neither is Arnold. I mean, they might be in the parking lot, but they're not here. I'm not going to do impersonations. You just impersonated a guy that doesn't give a fuck. Let's hear it.

That's my dude, man. So that was my number four right there. That's a good four. That's a good four. All right. It's time to figure out which Arnold Schwarzenegger character. I have an idea. Do you?

I think. All right. Now, I need somebody who's going to be willing to do whatever it takes. All right. Yeah. I know who it is. I need somebody who fights with passion. I know who it is. I need somebody who fights with passion. I know who it is.

Somebody who's not going to let anything stop them in this fight. And that's why I'm taking, from the movie Jingle All the Way, Howard Langston. I almost had it. Oh, man. I almost had it. From the movie Jingle All the Way. Yeah. Howard Langston.

He's still Arnold Schwarzenegger. He will not be deterred. He's still ripped, and he goes to the craziest lengths. You got to get the present. To beat Sinbad. But by the way, I saw you. To get Turbo Man. I saw Sinbad do stand-up one time.

He's great. Off the chains. Sinbad. People need to recognize Sinbad. Just a side note. Well, let's use this pic, because? He's great. Off the chains. Sinbad! People need to recognize Sinbad. Well, let's use this pic, because obviously it's ridiculous to talk about how dope Sinbad is. Well, Sinbad ain't telling it like it isn't,

my friend. I'll tell you that. Yeah, I saw him, too, and he did, like, two hours, and it was hilarious, and then a band came up on stage, and he played with a band. He doesn't swear. He's not a dick. No. He's all smiles. So funny. God, it's tight.

How come we're not still like Sean Sinbad loving the world? I think it's bubbling right under the surface same way Weird Al got his I think somebody's gonna Always Sunny in Philadelphia put Sinbad in it. That was a few years ago. And he was just funny as shit in it, just being old Sinbad.

Very true. With the dude from Matchbox 20. Rob Thomas? Yeah, they were the two guys in the mental institution. That's right. It was like second season or something. Wow. God, that's really good.

But I think Sinbad, somebody just needs to, unless he's like a real maniac personally or something. I've never heard a bad thing about the guy. I can't imagine somebody not being going, you know what, Sinbad's a great dude. No. Let's put him in there. You didn't pick Arnold.

You picked Sinbad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I picked Howard. I did actually. I did watch Jingle all the way last year, but I had had to use my good friend Ian's awesome phrase. I was a bit into the Cups when I was watching it last year. So refresh me on what he's trying to do.

He's trying to get the Turbo Man action figure for his kid. And he's trying to beat Sinbad to that. Sinbad's also going for it because of the limited qualities. Now, does he get it? Does he get it? No spoilers. Yeah, we should just watch it this Christmas. We'll get some eggnog, we'll get some rum.

That's going to be the Rev Hall show. Can we just watch Jingle All the Way? Yes, we're just going to watch it and we'll sit there quietly. It's like Howard Langston doesn't let people down. I will say about Jingle All the Way. I think Whale Bones of Eggnog could be a real good way to do this. You're talking about my band in college, Whale Bones of Eggnog? Whale Bones of Eggnog. It was kind of like Drops of Jupiter, but different.

That was the first draft. We actually wrote it that way the first time. Whale bones full of eggnog. What's up, Cindy? Fuck yeah. How you living? My mom's here. Kyle Canadian, is some of you a fourth pick?

Oh, man. All right. I got a soothsayer, a distraction, and a maniac. Sounds like a good crew. Well, all right. Well. I got to pick a boss, right? Yeah, you had two more picks, though.

I got two more? Yeah. Oh, but I got a lot of, you know what? Shit. All right. I got a lot of... You know what? Shit. All right. I want the calculation. You know what? I'm going to throw a real wingnut one.

If it's somebody... If it's, like, just people that you knew from growing up, can you get a twofer? No. Are they twins? It's up to Ian. No, if they work... All right. I'm going to tell you...

If they work in it... You know what? I'm going to put a story out there. Sure. And then we'll pick one of these two guys. I'm going to tell you this story. You know what? I'm going to put a story out there, and then we'll pick one of these two guys. I like that, because I got some shit from them, too. From junior high, there's two guys named Jeremy Bauman and Jose Zarazuza. Shit. Zarazuza is who you got to go with. All right.

But okay. Both fucking maniacs. Jeremy was a metalhead who told me that the seventh gate to hell was in the basement of the Ovaltine factory in Villa Park. In where? I need you to slow down. There's an abandoned Ovaltine factory, which looked scary as shit. Why don't they just call it Roundtine? What?

Don't do the science. David's a comedian. Don't do the goddamn. I'llid's a comedian don't do the don't do the god i'll be in springfield missouri november 17th and 18th we're all comedians in here do you remember what like the the willy wonka factory yeah yeah look like before it was lit up like in the beginning was all wrought iron gates and smoke sacks it's exactly what the abandoned oval team factory looked like did you guys go in there? I never had the guts. My sister went in and she's like, oh, there's just holes in the floor. You can just

die everywhere. My sister's the more courageous one of the two of us. So anyway, apparently the seventh gate to hell was in the basement. That's why the fire department flooded it so you couldn't go down there and go see the devil. That's Jeremy Bauman. Like when a kid was into heavy metal real early.

Yeah. Sure, those were scary kids. Like when kids were just like 11 wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts. Don't you play with toys anymore? No. How is this part of your life? The devil told me to stop. Yeah, like kids that were like, so that was Jeremy. Rocking gauntlets.

Yeah, so that was Jeremy. He was always nice to me. Jose Zarazua, who I was friends with also in school, who one day just decided, like, I'm probably going to have to murder you and then just wanted to kill me. And then I quit band. And when I quit band in junior high, that's when I got put in all the classes, like shop class and stuff.

You got out of all these weird, like, the basement of the junior high where it was just the alcoholic teachers that just gave you power tools and were like I don't care about your life I don't care about my life rebuild the fucking engine so I was down there and Jose Zarazu one day him and Jeremy Baum

decided they were going to take their algebra books because they weren't learning fuck all about math thick, thick new algebra books. Remember? Thick, hard-cover books? I decided to see who could hit themselves in the head with it more. And so somebody counted down in class, like 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

and they just started smacking the shit out of their own faces with algebra books. Jeremy Bauman and Jose Zarazua. Jose wanted to kill me after that. Jeremy protected me after that. I had no vested interest in either of these guys. But for some reason, the forces of good and evil developed from that class where they were just beating their own brains out with books. At one point in junior high, somebody told Jose they bet he wouldn't put his head through a window, not a small window, like a big 10-foot,

like the side of a junior high school window. I'm picking on that. And he did, and it cut his whole fucking forehead off. Jose. The window came down and sliced his forehead and flapped it down on his head. And he showed back up two weeks later with stitches across his whole forehead. And that's who you want on your subject. Well, no.

Which one of these guys do I pick? Jose. Jose. But Jose didn't like me for no reason. So he's going to turncoat in the middle of a brawl where Jeremy's also a psycho and knows where gates to hell are and he's going to protect me. Jeremy does have an out with the gates to hell. You get them both because this is one person.

See what I'm saying? That is the duality of man. Is this a fight club situation? It's like my consciousness existed. The duality of it existed in six and seven. There was one algebra book. There was one person. There was one guy the whole time.

There was one guy. I like it. It was Tyler Durden the whole time hitting himself in the face with the book. There we go. One pick. I like it. Neither of them existed.

They were just both in Kyle's head. I like that. You see, it's this yin and yang existence of two. I think that's yang and yang. That's double yangs. I swear I knew a kid named fucking Jeremy Bauman.

That's crazy. Yeah, he had to leave. Maybe everybody knew a Jeremy Bauman in junior high. He lived in Springfield, whatever state, you know? Jose Zarazua,

Zarazua even sounds like, if there was a movie about the devil and they were like, some call him Beelzebub, some call him Zarazua. He was a fucking about the devil and they were like, some call him Beelzebub, some call him Zarathustra. He was a fucking sixth grader and still telling the teacher

why the Bowflex was incorrect. Because he knew how to pump iron for real. Sixth grade dude just built a bag of concrete with teeth. Some of those dudes, there was this dude named Earl who went to our school who was just like born for war.

Yeah. And in seventh grade, they're just like, you're terrifying. I feel like as an adult if I saw an Earl, and Earl was nice to me, but like if I would have said I would have been terrified of him. I get it. You can go to the army now if you want. Yeah, go, please. Come on, Earl. Sam Munoz used to smoke weed in the bathroom.

Yeah. Just like not afraid. And he was just a kid. He wore X-Acto knives, or took X-Acto knives, like just had them. Yeah. Kids with like tattoos when they weren't even a teen. Chase Hooping Gardner. My uncle did it.

That year they'd get them at one of their older brother's parties. I'm already scared that I said Jose Zarazu's name out loud Like in a Beetlejuice type thing I feel like he has a witness protection deal He's not Zarazu anymore No he's the reason someone else has a witness protection deal Nobody's thinking that guy's name

Jeff Klingenschmitt. He's doing knuckle push-ups on broken glass right now. You get both of them. David, it's time for your fourth and then your final picks. So my fourth pick, here's what I think. You got to have a face. You got to have some flash. I got a lot at stake.

I need some sizzle. Sure. I need somebody to divert everybody while Teddy Roosevelt is rounding up the troops, right? Right. I forgot about Teddy Roosevelt. But he also needs to be tough on his own. So I'm saying in the fourth, I'm taking 50 Cent. Oh.

Oh. Really? And also, because I would not fight that dude. Curtis. Curtis Jackson. He's ruthless. He is ruthless. Even in endeavors that don't matter. He cut his son off. I was just going to Jackson. He's ruthless. Even in endeavors that

don't matter. He cut his son off. I was just gonna say. For no reason. That's true. He had that mixed. Yeah, cut his son the fuck off. And then in his TV show that he executive produces, murders his own son on the TV show and says

you don't deserve to be my son. That's a message. in a way that feels so real. It feels like a message. What TV show? So real. It's called Power. I'll send you some links.

Kyle, let's watch Power together. He's super ruthless. When he had the Rick Ross beef, I had to illegally download that DVD where he got

Rick Ross's baby's mom, Rick Ross tattoo in between her tits it's vulgar now he just got his friend a banger on a couch wearing Timberlands and then he had the little pop-up box in the corner where he's dressed up as that pimp

Sparky Sweets and he just gave commentary on the whole wait hold on. He somehow got Rick Ross's 50 cents friend, banged Rick Ross's wife on a couch, not even in a bed, with his shoes on. Well, I mean, it already seems disrespectful. It's funny because you said that earlier today, that same sentence.

I was talking to my mom. I didn't think you were going to say it twice in a day. She was trying to explain it to me. I didn't get it that time. Hold on now. Let me run that back one last time. I think Borey might have a better angle on it. The guy just goes so hard.

He did a song about robbing, or a song like airing out all the other drug dealers in New York. Ghetto Quran. For no reason he did that. He got shot up a bunch for it, but he just didn't give a fuck. He is a ruthless dude. Is that why he got shot?

Yeah. Yeah, he has a song about just, his first famous song was about robbing everybody and calling them stupid. How to rob, yeah. Yeah, like he's just, he can't help it. He can't help it he's built for war. He doesn't want that.

He wants to live in Connecticut with his estranged son, but he can't help it. It's in his heart. Andy dated Chelsea Handler. That's pretty buck, dude. They dated? They dated pretty heavy. About two months.

I didn't mean to shut everyone up. His name is 50 Cent. How long is he committing for? That's a good run. That's a good run. I did not even know about that whole part. Well, you've never seen Gladiator.

Yeah, I'm really... John seems hurt. If you look at John... I'm a little... My arms are crossed. It's definitely a defensive posture. None of you fuckers

knew who Uncle Pecos was and I'm not getting pissed about it. Kyle, I'm hurt. I'm not pissed. There's a big difference. Let's have a movie day. We had a movie day when I first moved here.

We watched Nightcrawler With that fucking Idiot Shane That movie's crazy Oh great Oh god it starts You guys have a good time Oh I'm so nice to you I can hear him touching The wall behind him While he says this I come to LA And I'm so nice to you. I'm going to hear him touching the wall behind him while he says this.

I come to LA and I'm so nice to you for 16 days in a row. Denim on denim on denim on denim. Do you think if you put a microphone 400 feet in front of the edge of the Grand Canyon, would he fall off the back of it before you gave him the light? Him and Dave Stone were on the same show in their show clothes. And it looked like a gap barf. In their show clothes? Holy Toledo with a bag of free-off.

You could win the Iditarod with that much husky. Husky for life. Oh, that's it. I'm driving to Phoenix this weekend. I miss it. Oh, yeah. The denim devils. That's tight.

We love you, Shane. Shane, you're the best. You're the best. It's time for your final pick. By his album. Fifth and final pick. Kyle inspired me. I got to go to a guy from my hometown.

Shout out Elizabeth, Colorado. Yep. I don't know the a guy from my hometown. Shout out Elizabeth, Colorado. I don't know the statute of limitations on what he did, so I'm going to say his name is Brandon Blankhart. Okay. And I may have been blah, blah, blah. I saw him bear mace some dudes. That's right.

And yeah, man. Blah, blah, blah. Not again with the story. That's uh... Whoa. Yeah, man. Blah, blah, blah. Not again with the story. That's a crazy story. It's a wild story. You probably can't go into it too much. I don't want... My mom listens to this. So what I heard, not even through Dave, but through secondhand story, it was through Dave.

He doesn't have a cell. He has a cricket. Brandon Blanchard. He has a tater bog. He has a circle of like. A circle of like. A circle of dudes. A bunch of dudes just bear macing them in a circle like a sprinkler. Yeah.

Catching some into his own face. How are some of them still standing there if they knew what was happening? I think that it happens fast. Oh, man. He's bear macing guys and twirling. If some dude just came in here and bear maced the four of four of us he could get us real quick it takes that fast they say bear mace bear mace is better than pepper spray is it really for for uh for people scared walking the city streets and stuff it seems to like pepper spray i've seen a pepper spray like i've ever seen somebody

pepper spray somebody but i've seen it shoot, and bear mace just shoots like, it's almost like out of a super soaker. Yeah, it's a string. Like it's just like a fix. Yeah, you can get it right into someone's eye. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, because you're not waiting for the bear to come up to you and say something like inappropriate. You're like, no, it's a bear, fuck off.

Yeah, I'm gonna shoot you with the mace. So yeah, I want, I want, I want My entire life is built around not getting bear maced. Yep, pretty much how I built these walls. My primary motivation in all things... Don't grow a beard and go to WeHo. They love me already. I already kind of fulfilled the bear part of the two.

You got a big presence, too. I got regular mace, but I was at a gay bar. I guess that kind of counts. Dude, I was on a... I got regular mace, but a bear bar. I whispered grr into the wrong ear. I don't know where he kept it, because he didn't have any sleeves on.

The restaurant was called the Picnic Basket. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I was in Hawaii, in Kauai, and we took a catamaran trip. I've heard about this. The catamaran trip, there were a few families on it. It's a big boat, me and my girlfriend. One of the families was definitely conservative. One of the dudes, you could tell conservative like one of the dudes you could

tell was like kind of a trump guy and then also on my uh trip were two guys who i couldn't quite sess them out at first they were like probably late 50s early 60s big dudes one of them was wearing a vietnam era veteran i didn't even say Vietnam veteran. It said Vietnam era veteran shirt. That is interesting wording. Yeah. And the other one had a Sturgis motorcycle rally shirt on. Woo! Hell yeah, baby. South Dakota?

Yeah. South Dakota. Goddamn right. And I was like, are these guys brothers? Are they kicking? And I realized they were a gay couple. But two of the toughest fucking fucking they were like burly old dudes. And they look tough.

They looked tough. Like yeah, I mean they didn't fulfill any of the stereotypes we've built around like what a gay man is supposed to look like or anything like that. I feel like those dudes found love in a hopeless place. It really feels like that. They were two big motorcycle daddies who loved each other and one of them stayed fully clothed

the whole time. the other one went down to a thong a casino thong salute it salute it we were getting like sprayed by the ocean like real hard

did you go right in front of Trump guy it was windy and he was just standing up on the front of that boat I loved him we went swimming in the ocean together

I made friends with him you gotta drink rum drinks with that dude but like he was just like hanging bait I'm not hanging bait I'm surprised he could have caught a shark the ocean together. I made friends with him. You gotta drink rum drinks with that dude. Hanging bait. I'm not hanging bait. I'm surprised he could have caught a shark and then a shark would eat that other shark.

I'm not going after this guy. In front of God and the Trump voter and everybody. And I loved him. I was like, look at these guys out here. He fought in Vietnam. He's not about to put his unit

away. Might have just been in a 7-Eleven parking lot. That made me think. Did you sign up in 1971? What's going on with you? But yeah, so anyway, Brandon Blankhart. Also, good dude.

Kills it on the grill. Yeah. Runs a real good grill. I'll go for your Fast and Furious barbecue after the fight situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Any real racer knows. I don't have friends.

I got family. It's about family in this Corona advertisement. I got some burgers, too. They did love Coronas. And he drank it like such a... Well, nobody can see it. Just his whole hand around the top. Also, Italians in Boyle Heights? Come on.

I know. What is that? That's in Boyle Heights? Yeah. Well, again, doesn't translate to a podcast, but yeah, it's close. Here you go. Sean pointed out a wall. Canadian, it's time for your final pick. Alright, I got the the maniac i got the hometown unpredictable one oh all right i got the well i got a pick that's like a solid pick but it's not

fun sometimes they're not fun man well i want all right i got uh you know what i'm gonna say no i got the fun ones i need just business i need just business murder coming in straight up business i don't have business i got me but i don't have like i'm a murderer that's what i do you need me to murder i do it sure jason. Jason Voorhees. Oh! That superpower, you eat his heart, and then you become straight up early Jason Voorhees. Johnny Depp, Jason Voorhees. Yeah. No, not Johnny Depp.

That was Freddy Krueger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! Freddy Krueger was in the early... No, we're talking Kevin Bacon, John. Okay. I was just picturing Johnny Depp as Jason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason to Jason Voorhees. Just riff-raff at the lake. white kids at the lake. Jason Voorhees. Jason 2, Jason Voorhees. Just riffraff at the lake. Yeah, lake trash.

Because Jason Voorhees wasn't even in Jason 1, I don't think. Am I crazy? Is it called Jason 1? It wasn't called Jason 1. It was called Friday the 13th. Yeah. Kyle, I know it wasn't called Jason 1. And it wasn't his mom.

Either way, Jason Voorhees, you need a guy that's just showing up ready to work. And he is huge. I'm wearing a jumpsuit. No lip service either. No, no. Put the mask on. I got the mask on now for protection. I don't need to see you.

You don't need to see me. He's in the trap. He doesn't talk about being in the trap. What do you want me to use? Throw me a whole barn. I'll figure it out. Throw me in a garage i got a tire and iron he's he's he can improvise with the situation doesn't need it pure brute undead force

he's wearing a jumpsuit super strong right yeah well inhumanly strong. Right. And he's quiet. I got Diamond Dave in there doing the yip-yapping, scatting over there. I got Genghis Khan screaming, Uncle Pecos singing a tune, Jose Zarazua was, he wasn't real loud. Jeremy was a metalhead. I need a guy who's quiet and who's just

gonna get the job done. This is a scary crew. I like them. I feel like Uncle Pecos might ride around on Jason's shoulder. That's cute. Whoa! Like in Marvel vs. Capcom. This crew sounds like it could be an adult swim cartoon. I think every crew we just picked together is some sort of show.

These are all the crew behind our Hungry Hungry Hippos. Mine's in production at Universal right now. It's called the Expendables Corps. The Re-Expendables. Yeah, shit. You're going to drop it.

Time for my final pick. So I've got Dutch from Predator. I've got Conan the Barbarian. Sure, sure. I've got John Matrix from Commando. You do. Howard Langston from Jingle all the way. You definitely do, yeah.

So of course with my fifth pick I'm taking Ellen DeGeneres what? yeah two things serves two purposes here for me if we don't want to fight if it's chest to chest if we're going back and forth

we send Ellen out there you need a cooler who's more charming than Ellen, right? She can go out there, tell them a couple jokes, get them dancing. She's so friendly. She's quick. She's got a dry sense of humor if she needs to. Shit.

She's wonderful. She's non-threatening. You fucked me on this. Right? On my last pic. I fucked you on this, kid. I fucked you on it. You fucked me so hard on this.

I fucking loved it, too. I loved it the whole way. I'm looking around the room. I don't even know what's going on. Yeah. fucked me so hard on this. I fucking loved it, too. I loved it the whole way. I'm looking around the room. I don't even know what's going on. Yeah. Ellen fucking DeGeneres. And here's what. If it does go down, if it does end up going down in real life, Ellen is mean as fuck.

That's what I hear. She's not a nice woman. I don't know this about Ellen. Ellen is mean. She's mean. So if we have to fight, she's gouging eyes. Yeah. She's ripping out tufts of hair.

She's your Grace Jones. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Real life Ellen is cold calculated. Somebody told me. You can see it in her eyes. The smile never goes all the way to her eyes. Somebody who used to work with her.

It never does go all the way to her eyes. It never goes to her eyes. Oh, no. It stops right below. It can go. You know, you can learn to get it up here, but it never. There's no twinkle. Those eyes are dead.

There's no twinkle. That's face. That twinkle's put in in dead. There's no twinkle. That's face. That twinkle's put in in post. Camera. Camera smile. Oh, yeah. Somebody told me once she only cares about animals. She's never cared about a person.

Yeah. Somebody who worked for her. That's how you have to be. So cooler if I don't really want to get into a tussle, but if it does go down, you can do it in a scrape. Also, she's hopping around. Maybe John Matrix picks her up and throws her at somebody oh but like like she's little enough like a weapon like a weapon you

can weaponize degenerate to weaponize degenerate that's true that's actually your daughter's name weaponized degenerate god damn it all right that's my new podcast i'm starting sean jordan it's time for your final pick what were you gonna take that i fucked you so hard on? I'm not going to tell you. Ellen? No. You're not going to tell me. Well, I can't tell you yet. I got to pick first, right?

You're going to be my fifth pick with how mad you just got. I want you up on the front lines. My fifth pick is going to be the bride from Kill Bill, Uma Thurman. I like her. You like swords? Yeah. Beatrix Kiddo. Yep.

I had her on the list. I like the motivation.rix Kiddo. Yep. I had her on the list. I like the motivation. Yeah, just the skill. I like the martial arts. I'm into the martial arts. Looking to learn. Always looking to learn. Taekwondo. Oh, yeah.

Sought out knowledge to kick ass at Avengers. She did Avengers. Soaking up knowledge, cutting people's heads off. Didn't lose the fire. Had an end goal. Reasonable. Takes a lick and keeps on ticking. Brought Hattori Hanzo off the bench.

Brought him back out. Wasn't she like, didn't she like have, like was she paralyzed from the waist down or something like that? Or was numb? Yeah, she was in the pussy wagon, I believe it was called. She was just move. Talked herself out of paralyzing. Beatrix is a tough one.

Beatrix Kiddo Double D's I mean the sound Kiddo Who were you going to take? Tom Hanks was going to be my last pick You were going to take Big Bang Hanks? It was going to be Big Bang Hanks to calm down the fight Because I don't want to fight

That was going to be my whole thing Like listen I don't want to fight Tom get out there and defuse this Before we do But I don't think if the switch I don't think if the switch flipped Hanks got the juice. Not like Alan.

My pick for that was aliens level Sigourney Weaver. Sure. Because it was going to be brains and wisdom first to outsmart him. But if it came to, still ass kicker. Well, you know who we left on the board was John Wick and John McClane. And John Rambo. I thought you were going to say John Wick and John Wick 2. John Wick and John Wick 2. Yeah, Snake Bliskin. wick and john mclean and john rambo and john rambo john wick and john wick too yeah snake bruce lee i mean kurt russell but kurt russell from big trouble that's right bt and little c i

get it big t and a little c i was thinking about ryan mills from taken frank ducks from bloodsport oh you know that was all a lie i know of that shit's true. What? I mean, the movie, the movie, take the character from the movie, sure, but that dude lied about his whole shit. Really? Because I was supposed to be about a real guy. Like, he didn't know karate? Eh, he, I mean, he lied about that whole fucking thing. About how he bailed on, like,

the army or whatever to go fight in the Kumite and all that. Man, the 80s was so cool. You would just backtrack it, though, and take Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. Oh, Ogre would have been good. Brute strength, but who had a heart and found it later on and found loyalty. All right.

Ogre would have been good. Yeah. Fuck. You could have taken Batman. I was going to take Joker from Batman. We were saying no superpowers. But he doesn't have superpowers. He's just rich.

Yeah. He's just rich. That's true. That's true. That's true. So here's who we did take. David, you let us off, and you started with Mr. Clean, and then you took Grace Jones from 1989. President.

Well, not president. You took Theodore Roosevelt from the Rough Riders era, 50 Cent from the G-Unit era, and then Brandon Blankhart from the Elizabeth Colorado era. Shout out to the 646. Kyle, you won second. You took Uncle Pecos, Genghis Khan from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, David Lee

Roth, Jose Zarazua and Jeremy Bauman, and then Jason Voorhees. Captain Jack didn't make the cut. He didn't make the cut. Captain Ron, I'm sorry. Captain Ron's right on the ass. I went third and took Dutch from Predator, Conan the Barbarian, John Matrix from Commando,

Howard Langston from Jingle All the Way, and then Ellen DeGeneres. Sean, you took Maximus Decimus Aurelius, Jet Li, the actor, Bill the Butcher, Anton Sugar, and then Beatrix Kiddo. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with it. Solid picks. Good picking Kiddo. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with it.

Solid picks. Good picking, boys. Yeah. I almost took Tank Abbott, who was an old UFC fighter. Tank Abbott. Yeah, dude. Tank Abbott, my dad. That's fair.

I was thinking about taking Tito Ortiz because I saw Madea 2 Boo today, and he was in that movie. He's in it? That dude's got a big head. Big ass head. You saw Madea film in the theaters? Number two. Know what?

Worth every six dollars. Every dollar. Worth every six bucks. You saw Madea Boo 2 on Halloween. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Worth every dollar. It's because I failed my driver's test this morning.

You did? I needed a pick-me-up. Well, you didn't fail it. I didn't fail it. The man's holding me back. Yeah. We'll get it. We'll talk about it off air.

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, shout out to, oh, we don't have any shout outs. We'll get them next week. talk about it off air. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, shout out to we don't have any shout outs. We'll get them next week. Everybody. Keep tweeting. Keep doing all that shit. It makes my day every single day when I wake up and there's actual cool shit on Twitter about this. Keep our Twitter feed full of it. We really love talking to you.

Hit us up on Instagram, Twitter. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Shout out to AFE super producer Marissa. Super producer. Yuck. Make sure you like and subscribe. Give us five stars.

Give us a rating. Subscribe to us on iTunes. Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah. All of that shit and most importantly No, you jumped it. You jumped the gun. You jumped it.

Fuck, I thought you were looking at I thought you were I thought you were sending me the oop. That's the Vegas shit. I'm sorry, I thought you were sending me the oop. We're still Vegas shit. I'm sorry. I thought you were setting me the oop.

We're still all fucked up from Vegas. I got to dry out. We're still all fucked up. We popped Molly's, we saw Jay-Z, and now we're all fucked up. We should have waited until tomorrow. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity, guys. I tried my best.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.