All Fantasy Everything - Pet Peeves (w/ Sean Jordan and Shane Torres)

Episode Date: August 10, 2017

The Good Vibes crew goes dark for this week's episode to draft pet peeves. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedian Sean Jordan and big cranberry Shane Torres to draft Pet Peeves. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that rides into town, sitting on handlebars, wearing a Pittsburgh Penguins jersey. What you doing over there? Rapping all slow. Wait, he wasn't on the handlebars in that, was he? Snoop? Might have been. yeah wait yeah he was right yeah we're in the pittsburgh penguins jersey uh-huh fucking a all right i didn't even that's what the podcast is why didn't you ask me huh why didn't you ask me i will ask you when there's stone sour questions that come up you give me real quick give me one

other give me one other fact about the gin and juice video real quick. Other than the things you just heard. Snoop Dogg's in it. You just heard that. Oh, yeah. There's low riders. Probably. Oh, God.

There's gotta be. You fucking dick. Yeah. Yeah. That's that kind of podcast. I was. You know, you know, Spotify does the thing where they'll make a suggested for you playlist every week? I love that feature, by the way.

But they put a soul coughing song on my one for this week. Soul coughing. Well, you did get a lot of books in the mail. I did get a lot of books in the mail. I did. I got about 14 books. Soul coughing. What was their big hit?

God. That's one of those ones I'm going to know as soon as you. They had a song with Weezer and Cake that you would both love called american girls it's fantastic i know that song it's so good but that's all i know about soul coughing soul coughing i think it's one of those things where i know the band's name whether i know any of their songs they have a song called super bonbon cool you know no which uh don't you have a song called Cinnabon Bon? Didn't you do that? I am the fattest person in this room.

I'll direct it back to myself. Yes. Shane. It's like I said, he was like. You could have jumped on it. No. I know. I'm joking. I'm sweet.

Shane, what's the name of your goddamn band from high school? Tell it to me right now. Shane Torres. Oh, by the way, that's Sean Jordan. Oh, what's happening? At Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Yeah. Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on the gram.

You play boy. Nailed it. Nailed it. Shane Torres At Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Yeah. Sean Cougar, Melon Jordan on the gram. You play boy. Nailed it. Nailed it. Shane Torres. At Syrup Mountain on Twitter. Yep. At Syrup Mountain on the gram. Yep.

Also check out the just the at Shane Torres Twitter account, which I believe you're trying to wrestle back control of right now. And dude. Yeah. It's time in my career I took the actual Twitter. I agree. Zach needs to give it to me or I'm going to hurt him. I agree.

Solid gold, though. If you're listening, go look at the at Shane Torres spelled Shane's real way. actual Twitter. I agree. Zach needs to give it to me or I'm going to hurt him. I agree. Solid gold, though. If you're listening, go look at the at Shane Torres spelled Shane's real way. That's a fake account that a lot of brilliant people

have their hands in. It has a better writing staff than a lot of actual TV shows. Seriously. I don't want to get anyone in trouble,

but there's a lot of good writers on there. Also, the origin story of there actually being another comedian named Shane Torres that had the Twitter handle. He was like an mma comedian right yeah yeah he that's joe rogan's real name yes look at some of those tweets also while i have a second i uh i i want to say a sincere thank you to everybody who came out oh you've been gone a while it's been

like three weeks right and? And it killed me. The last thing I want to do is be gone from this. This is like the most fun thing in the world to do this. So I just got a job today so I don't need to go on the road too much anymore. So that's fantastic. So everyone

in Denver and Traverse City, Michigan and Sioux Falls. I mean, everyone who came out and meant the world to me, I was freaking out. Sioux Falls, North Dakota. Dude, Screw Falls, South Dakota. Oh, South Dakota, my bad. Keep in mind, we're on a two-story story. We're in the second story, so when I throw you

out the window, it's going to hurt a little more. You know what I mean? I'm ready for it. And Shane's following for not saying anything. I was going to say that you're... Alright, that might come up, okay? So let's just fucking chill Let's just fucking chill on bringing this. Nobody even knows that we're

drafted yet. I didn't have enough time to even put together a list, so I'm going off the top like Jehovah Yeah, Shane, shut the fuck up Yeah, good, here we go, back to normal Fuck me! Marissa, would you mark the time where he said what that is? Because we're going to bleep it We're going to bleep it. We're going to use the first bleep in all fantasy everything history.

Of course it was something Shane said. Another medal on my chest. Way to go. By the way. Do I get to plug anything or do we just. I feel like I've received more hate for my crying any movie watch on an airplane than you ever did for Sampler Platter. I think you're. I know you're wrong.

I got. Look, I know you're wrong. Sampler Platter was pretty savage. Yeah. Sampler Platter is a pretty. I've been getting it. People who don't you're wrong. I got it. Look, I know you're wrong. Yeah, sampler platter was pretty savage. Yeah, sampler platters are pretty bad. I've been getting it. People who don't even follow me. You deserve it. People who are fans of the podcast.

You deserve it. Don't act like you're innocent in this. If people follow me on Twitter and they come at me about it, I'm fine. But there's people who don't even, they're like, fuck you. And the podcast is pretty good. And then they come at me for it. And it hurts my feelings. Those, it's at Syrup Mountain.

Once again, I am starting an army. I want to give a quick shout out to a friend of the podcast adam cohen friend of the podcast who sent us a very nice message via the instagram app which you can get on your phones almost made me cry yeah so yeah uh and then shout out to the uh all fantasy everything subreddit the one part of reddit that doesn't hate jews that's shane Shane Torres sitting across from me. What do you got to plug, Shane? Anything coming up? I'll be at Outside Lands.

If you're listening to this, this comes out Thursday. So Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I'll be at Outside Lands. In San Francisco, California? Yep. It'll be me playing exact opposite time as Metallica and The Who. So my show should be packed. Wow. Well, you guys do have extremely similar audiences.

Looks. Similar looks. Similar hair. Not anymore, though. And then the album. Yes. September 8th and the special September 22nd. Established in 1981 on Comedy Central Records.

September 2nd. It's going to be on 2.45 in the morning on Comedy Central Records, September 2nd. It's going to be on 2.45 in the morning on Comedy Central on a day that they've invented. It's amazing that you know the time. Do you still not? I'm pretty sure it'll be airing somewhere in... When do drunks get their DUIs?

Drunks? That's like 3 p.m. But just normal people. Pat Jordan was out there stomping around Sioux Falls getting a broad daylight. Yes, I think midnight on the 22nd. That's Friday or Saturday depending on how you look at it. We're going to have a fucking party. Are you going to be

in LA when that happens? I am, yeah. Playboy. You might even see... That's when I'll do Molly again. Not really, no. I's when I'll do Molly again. Not really, no. I'm off. I'm off. Everybody heard my face.

I'm going to watch it, then I'm going to go surfing and catch my final big wave. Oh, I like that. Oh, like in that movie, Lilo and Stitch. Yeah. I was going to say Point Break. Definitely Point Break. I don't think that happens in Lilo and Stitch. The new one. Aren't there think that happens in Lone Star. Listen... The new one.

Aren't there, like, eco-terrorists and shit? All you guys inching along in your metal coffins, bro. This wasn't about this. Catherine Bigelow didn't fuck up the first time. I don't know why we needed another one. That's true, yeah. Are we... Can we... You know, movie remakes would be a good...

Remakes of movies would be a good one. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, it is. For the All Fantasy Everything podcast. Today, however, we a good, remakes of movies would be a good one. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, it is. For the All Fantasy Everything podcast. Today, however, we aren't drafting remakes of movies. What we are drafting is pet peeves. Sure.

Yeah, pet peeves. What was the way that you phrased it before we just like umbrellaed it with pet peeves? I don't know. I don't even remember. Minor inconveniences. Oh, minor inconveniences. Shit what gets you worked up. Shit what gets you worked up and whatnot. Kind of stuff where it makes you want to shout, but you're like, minor inconveniences. Shit what gets you worked up. Shit what gets you worked up and whatnot.

Kind of stuff where it makes you want to shout, but you're like, I can't. You're a monster depending on how you react. Yeah, and if you've had breakfast. If I were going to clap somebody up, it might be because of one of these things I'm about to say. Both of y'all get clapped up. Yeah. That means give someone the clap, right? That's what we're drafting today.

Oh, follow. Give someone the clap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like in an envelope somehow. Ian, what do you have to plug? I don't really have anything, man. Come to Good Looks the first and third wednesday at the ucb theater in los angeles i do stand up there watch the late late show on uh cbs to comment columbia

broadcasting system keep listening to this go keep listening to all fantasy everything go back and watch the 2016 tony awards for which i was nominated for an Emmy. Go to my Twitter and see a picture of me shirtless wearing a Miami Dolphins bucket hat. Also start a campaign for your flag bearer for the Olympics when they come to Los Angeles. Looks like it. On your way in and out of the gym, do you need high fives or anything?

Because you've been going a lot, right? I don't, but I do. I go to the gym every day. Like every day. Not the way people say every day, but like every day. Yeah, 24 hour fitness. Various locations. Catch me doing triangle push-ups, screaming Bible verses. You know what I'm going to say?

I'm going to plug ballers. Watch ballers if you don't watch ballers. Man. It's awesome this season. I was in the bathroom. It's absurd. I was in the bathroom at work today. I sincerely had the thought, should Sean and I do a 15 minute ballers podcast that we put out every week on the All Fantasy feed? Just because I feel like there's a lot of overlap between All Fantasy Everything fans and ballers.

It would not surprise me. And that's a compliment. Yeah, there's a lot of overlap between All Fantasy Everything fans and ballers. I do, too. It would not surprise me. I hope it's true. And that's a compliment. Yeah, that's a big compliment. Yeah. The Rock? I don't want to get into it.

We can, well, we'll draft ballers one of these days. Yeah, we'll just bet. We'll draft ballers. Just draft ballers. That's a monster. It's only been on for three seasons. There's a lot to draft. You can find some.

That's true, yeah. Oh, yeah. He wears a different suit every episode. There's like 30 pics right there. What does he do with all those? I bet like Romanian families live live in them you know i think they're collecting dust in the smithsonian just so they look older when they decide to put them out sure sure sure president the rock minor inconveniences pet peeves if you will i will uh the way we determine the order of the draft is with a rollicking game of rock paper says it's played between the two of

you oh dickhead. It's not like Michelle Kwan. It's just me and you, man. You throw on shoot. You throw on shoot. Here we go. All right. You ready?

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Chantel Jordan. Scissors, cuts, paper. Yuck. You stupid. What was coming after stupid? Nothing. Okay.

Because we're not in our living room. Sounds like you're stupid. I don't know. With the recordings,. Because we're not in our living room. Sounds like you're stupid. I don't know. With the recordings, if there is a bug in our living room, we're all getting fired. Well, I don't live with that. You're getting fired, too. You've been there enough. Yeah.

They won't fire me from the Philharmonic job I just got today. I don't think. That's what we're going to do. You're going to go first. Shane's going to go first. Oh. Shane's going to go first. Ian, you can go second. Thank you.

And I will go third. As it is a serpentine draft, I'll be then going fourth. I want two back-to-back picks. It's a serpentine draft. Go on. Well, Shane, do you know what that means? Explain it to me. I'm pretty sure.

So just imagine like a snake sort of slithering. Like in the Bible, the one that told Adam or Eve to give Adam the apple. Yeah, I mean, I don't like nonfiction, but yeah, sure. Fiction. Did I just say the dumb thing that I was going to say? Nonfiction was cool too. He threw caution to the wind and he said nonfiction. That'll be on the subreddit. Cool.

I'm excited about it. Well, it's just sort of like how a snake just slithers back and forth, sort of. So that's how this draft is going to be. So the pick is going to be the head of the snake. So it's going to slither around to my way, and then it's going to turn around and slither back. Like if the Disney movie Fantasia happened in an Italian restaurant kitchen, and instead of a broom, it was a piece of wet spaghetti he animated. And that's sort of how that would move. about that it hits a wall what it doubles right back around oh okay i feel like people i feel like i feel like i might grasp this if we just get into

it like i'm more about like okay well i don't want to fix your hair first or you just want to go like that put it in a top knot baby with the first pick of the pet peeve all fantasy everything draft shane torres i pick when your friends are mean to you on a podcast i am picking uh the one-up guy oh yes sure yeah like just everything about that person no matter what it is you know i was actually on a bigger podcast where I picked that guy. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that. I did it on TV.

I was that guy, dude. Weird. Weird. Why would this bother me? Network television, actually. I'll have you know. Ew. Do you have a one-up story that pops in your mind?

It's just, well, there is a person we all know who did comedy in Portland who was the one-up guy. He never. Who is the one-up guy? I don't want to say his name. Name names. Do it in code work. Who is it? It's the worst thing on a podcast when somebody alludes to something and you're at home like, there's no way I'll find out.

You know what the listener's pet peeve is going to be? Yeah. Not knowing who it is. First of all, you guys don't get to put me in this position. I'm not doing it. I'm having a touch of class here. A touch of class. That should be your album name. A touch of class, obviously with a blazer

but no shirt on underneath. Lace gloves. A touch of class because I was the first voice on it. We'll get them to stop printing everything. So there was the one-up guy. I hear you're not going to name, but I'll figure it out. Anytime he was like, oh man, I had the there was the one up guy anytime he was like oh man I had the best chicken the other night it was always like well you know really where the best chicken is I don't even know who you're talking about

is it me? oh no I feel like there's a lot of that in Portland specifically but there's never like can I just say I had a nice experience sure will you tell me real quick about a nice experience you had? Just tell me one. I want to give you a good honest.

I know, I know what you're going to do. No, because Sean's doing the proper way to handle a situation. I had a nice drive with my friend Sean today. That's fantastic. That's great. I'm happy that, I'm happy that you guys got to spend this time together. Now tell me. Tell Ian what you tell him.

I had a nice drive with my friend Sean. He lives with me. I see him every day. me tell me I had a nice drive with my friend he lives with me I see him every day you said that like you wish you didn't see him every day I would well I wish I saw him more often on the road well you're at the gym so goddamn much I don't see anybody he's just in there doing upside down chin-ups all the time that we don't see 45 yoked Armenian dudes that's all I see over at the goddamn gym all the time uh it is who's the guy who's i want to know so i will tell you guys uh say it on air is he more successful than you

of course not whoa now who's the one up guy i'm a 10 up guy so it's not funches or me i get it could still be it could still be easily me could easily be me oh you know i don't i'm not saying the name it's all right it's probably killing our listeners too yeah yeah i'm sure that i'm sure they want to talk about it for a while yeah i've had a few i'm trying to think i'm trying to think of a good one-up story nothing's really coming to mind because i pretty much do the dankest shit yeah like i'm the one that does all the dank stuff. It can be a little bit hard. There's definitely a line between relating to and one-upping. Yeah. But what happens if you naturally have a one-uppy story?

I feel like there's a way to tell it. But that's not, that person is not that person all the time. Right, right, right. If you have a story that one-ups somebody, that's not, that doesn't make you a one-up person. Yeah. It's just like, because it almost feels like a lie, too. Yeah.

Like, some bullshit you can't call them on. What, a one-upping? Yeah, a one-up person yeah it's just like because it almost feels like a lie too like like like some bullshit you can't call them on what a one-upping yeah one yeah yeah like it's just it's never i just you drink enough alcohol you can call someone on anything my friend you try to one-up what's the proper way if if you have a one-up story do you be like okay so that was cool if you were like uh i just think it's like well hey i saw mel brooks at canners and i want to tell my story about mel brooks which is better than that your hypothetical story well imagine you're reggie miller and you got 40 points in a game one night there's a great question and your dad your dad loves both his children and he wants

you to know that your sister shirl got a hundred points in a game that night. That's about 60 up. What's the right way? That's about 60 up. And then Reggie's sitting in the back like, well, I'm going to be an announcer someday. So whatever. Yeah.

And then he was. And Cheryl does that now too. He also probably made more per game than she made like in an entire career. Do you think, see now that's the wrong kind of one up to bring up. Huh? No, what I'm doing is exposing inequality in terms of compensation.

You're exposing it. Yeah, exposing it. Probably the first person to bring that up. Yes. Haters in the building. Watch Ballers on HBO. Every Sunday night, right before you watch Game of Thrones, they'll put you in wildly different moods.

So the one-up guy, the one-up guy you hate. The one-up guy that you-up guy you hate the one up guy that you won't name but we'll suss out throughout this podcast and definitely we'll have by the end of the podcast yeah yeah maybe I'll drop little clues little easter eggs sure please do full name that's a good clue the best clue the best easter egg one of their names is in this room well their first name is in this room. Has to be me. It has to.

It has to be someone named Sean. Or Marissa's. Is it Boomer? No. Oh. All right. Yeah, I don't even remember Boomer. I'll figure it out.

Other than we both had jokes where we talked about looking like Goldberg the goalie. Yeah. Yeah, and I was fatter. Well, not at the time. No, Boomer's a very humble guy. Is he a humble guy? He's a sweet guy. I feel like this can't even be counted as local Portland comedian chat anymore. Because if it's Boomer still out there doing stand-up.

I see him from time to time. He lost a ton of weight. He does. He looked good. Yeah, yeah. He looks like a Jack White now. Like, for real, though. Shout out to that dude. He does. Friend looked good. Yeah, yeah. He went from, yeah, he looks like a Jack White now. Like, for real, though. Shout out to that dude.

He does. Yeah. Friend of the podcast, Jack White. Friend of FOP. Okay, the one-up guy. The one-up guy. We hate it. I honestly thought you'd have more to say about it, Shane, but apparently all you have

is one reference to an anonymous person. I think if I would have picked it, I probably would have had some more to say about it. Yeah. You know, it's neither here nor there. The one-up guy. I don't know why I'm friends with you. We love you. I think if I would have picked it, I probably would have had some more to say about it. It's neither here nor there. The one-up guy. I don't know why I'm friends with you. We love you. I love you.

I would do anything for you. It is fucking annoying. Because it also disrupts the flow of conversation when you have the one-up guy. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. When then you're just sucking your teeth out, I'm like, dog, that was a cool story I just told. It's not always a story, too. It's somebody does something like a party trick or something. Yeah, I'll do a party trick, and then they just break a toilet seat.

I'll cut my arm off of the elbow. Yeah, yeah. And then Steve-O walks in. But that guy's just an idiot a lot of the time and not. Also, listening to this podcast, you'll see this. A great way to communicate, tell a little story, then open the floor to communication

conversation about that story and then when there's a one up guy there you can't really do that because it's like you tell your story then all fucking one up dude

has his little one to throw on top of it disrupts the natural order of things and you gotta have a natural order yeah that has to happen

the natural order in this draft is that even Carmel is picking second. So with my, with, fuck, I have to take it now. Because it's gotten brought up twice and I can't risk it being brought up again. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people wear Nike and Adidas at the same time. That was the thing that got bleeped out earlier in the podcast. Sean, you brought it up downstairs.

It's one of mine, too. That's why. Because you are wearing an Adidas skateboarding shirt. Are these Janowskis? These are Janowskis. And Janowski Nike skateboarding shoes. And what kind of shorts are you wearing? I'm wearing Michigan State Nike shorts.

Mesh. Dirty mesh. Fair. Yeah. There aren't any other two brands that bug me right where Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle Outfitters you can wear hospital scrub pants

and a fireman's jacket you can wear vans and Nike for all I care Nike yeah cannot wear and Shane disagrees you say it on air you admit to the people that you think that it's okay to do what I'm doing right now yeah oh apparently you think it's okay to do what i'm doing right now yeah oh i almost grew up apparently you think it's okay i don't i'm curious he's shaking shauna's shake you can't

i don't like what i'm doing he's shaking he's sweating he looks pale i'm not upset i'm not i'm not happy with this with what i have going on when i didn't notice this until i left the house and i was bummed about it that should make you happy i don't even like doing it at the gym how fucked up is that? Well, I mean, every day, though. You've got a different outfit every day. That's tricky. It's almost impossible not to, just based on the sheer amount of time I spend there.

Big sample size. Big sample size. But I hate it. Because I have my most- What is it, though? Huh? About it? Yeah.

I don't know. Because this doesn't clash. But it's like wearing a Lakers jersey and Orlando Magic shorts. It is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's the same thing. If you wear, this shirt isn't that loud, but if this shirt was like clearly an Adidas shirt and these are very clearly Nikes, that would just look fucking.

But those actually, a Lakers jersey and Orlando Magic shorts actually clash. What if I had red Nikes on and a purple Adidas shirt? Then it would just clash. It would be both. Okay, well, okay. A better example. Oklahoma City Thunder jersey, New York Knicks shorts. There we go.

God, I bet you. Since you need us to fucking. I need a color scheme. Yeah. I need a color scheme. I bet you somebody. The guy who only wears gray t-shirts and jeans needs a color scheme. Some kid in Duluth right now is just like, damn it.

Gotta replan everything. You can't do that? I've been going to every day of senior year like, damn it. Got to replan everything. I've been going to every day of senior year like this, and I can't do it anymore. For a while, I thought it was because I grew up in Beaverton, Oregon, Jewel, the Pacific Northwest, top of the food chain where champions are born. And you thought you liked Nike so much. It's also a home of Nike World Headquarters. And I thought maybe I was just going to Nike stand because of that. That's in Portland. I'm talking about Beaverton.

Top of the food chain, Jewel of the Pacific Northwest. Where champions are born. Say it backwards. Where champions are born. Jewel. Oh, wait. The whole thing? Like actually backwards?

Yeah. Why? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

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What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, it's like race car. Yeah. It's like race car. The Beaverton race car, they call it. Palindrome.

Shout out to Mark Saltfight. If we're just going to be talking about Portland comedians all day. Marky Salt. Marky Salt. I did. I actually tweeted about it a while ago, and hell of people also have problems with it. Well, a friend of the podcast, I'm sure, if he were going to be on it, which one day I'm sure he will, Anthony Lopez, wore a very loud Adidas hat and with very loud Nike shoes. He was on in the cereal episode.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there we go. Friend of the podcast. Yeah, Anthony Lopez. He had on a red, white, and blue Adidas hat and red, white, and blue Nike shoes. And it was the maddest we ever got at each other. I'm officiating his wedding. That almost stopped it from happening.

It's going to come up. It will come up heather even though you saw him wearing what he was wearing he's still that speaks volumes to her character and he's working on himself you know so when people say can anyone think of any reason why these two should not be wet i'm gonna stand up with a megaphone and scream about it and then that's where i saw it blow dart in the neck because I'm officiating. Right, right, right. So then, you know, we've got to call a clean game. Yeah. Let him play. Let him play over here.

What are you doing? So he's wearing red, white and blue Adidas hat and red, white and blue Adidas. Yeah. So according to you, that that is style and it matches. They match. Oh, God. No way. Terrible.

God. No. Terrible. They're two different teams. For some reason, they're the only two that i care about i will admit i will i don't know the science behind it but i know it's right you know what i mean yes i know exactly what you know this is like when runquist said i i don't know how to describe pornography but it is but yeah yeah but you know i know when i see it yeah

did you pull out renquist yeah? Yeah. Nice pull, dude. That's impressive. Judge William Rehnquist, right? Is that your favorite judge? I'm more of a Ginsburg guy. You like Ginsburg? I'm more of a Reinhold guy myself. Judge Dredd?

Aaron Judge of the New York Yankees. God, that's everybody's guy right now. I wrote this thing for Livewire one time. It was like, don't judge a quote. Livewire local radio program in the Portland, Oregon area. Don't judge a quote by its cover or something. And it was, who said this, Judge Dredd or Judge Judy? Amazing.

And the shit they say are so similar. Like, if you just look up their quotes, you're like, I don't fucking know who said it. If you gave Judge Judy the weaponry and armor. Judith Shineland. Judith Shineland. What? Multi-millionaire. Sure. Shane just pulling all the names out of the bookshelf today. I am illegal at doing that. Judge Judy, the weaponry and armor. Judith Shineland. Judith Shineland. What? Multimillionaire.

Sure. Shane just pulling all the names out of the bookshelf today. I am illegal. All the daytime TV names he's got. If you gave her the same weapon and armor and rights under the law to just be the judge, jury, and the executioner, she'd have a higher body count than Judge Dredd. I guarantee it. She'd have. Mean old Jewish lady like that.

I know the type. the body count would just be my stepmother had an autographed picture of her framed i love that i wouldn't have that shit hell yeah did she did she hit it like the dylan panthers every time she walked out the door let's go sentence someone and then just dip um i don't know i don't know what i it's just something inherent it's just something in you i have an all black here's how sick it is And they just dip? I don't know. I don't know what. It's just something inherent. It's just something in you. I have an all black.

Here's how sick it is for me. I'm wearing Adidas shoes right now. All black. You can barely see. You can only see the three stripes when the light hits it right. And I have an all black Nike windbreaker. The swoosh is very tastefully done on the sleeve. Again, you can only hit it when the light hits it just right, and I will not wear that.

Tell us where your initials are embroidered on this thing. Well, I'll get to that in a second. I will not wear those two together. Because if the light's hitting both of them just right, you're going to look like a fool in black. A fucking fool. Yeah. Who deserves to get rolled for his pockets.

I would get your back every step of the way. If you got rolled for your pockets, but the whole time I'd be like, what do you, why'd you wear that, Ian? I deserve it. As we were getting rolled, I'd, you know, because I do. Pretty God, they steal either the jacket or the shoes, so I don't fuck up again like that. I just had two suits made because I'm doing well. Because I'm doing well.

Tailored. Tailored, dude. And they let you get what, like, you can embroider stuff on the inside. And I got your very handsome put on the inside and I got your very handsome put on the inside you got very handsome you're very handsome so when you're like

adjusting it you just take a look you're very handsome because you are you're in a suit yeah that's great I think they're killing it

you know what I mean wearing four or five necklaces sure no tie we're going to see one of these suits at the wedding yes

yeah probably the gray one I'm wearing the red one to a different wedding and then the one that I'll be wearing well burgundy burgund yeah the one that I'll be wearing. Well, burgundy. Burgund.

Yeah. The one that I'll be wearing will be tailored, but it will be rented for the low, low price of rented. So I'm not doing that well, you see. And on the inside, it's just going to have a mirror duct tape to it. I'll be like, distressed. Health is of the mind and the body, or wealth is of the mind, the body, and the spirit. Then I'm rich.

Yes. Hell yeah. You're also making your first pick the final pick of the first round. Ah, isht. So my first pick final pick of the first round

is going to be when when somebody tries to give you actual directions to a place that you can look up on your phone.

Yes. It's one of it shouldn't upset me the way it does. If someone's like hey, you got to come to this party. I'm like, okay, what's the address? They'll give me the way it does if someone's like hey you got to come to this party i'm like okay what's the address they'll give me the address and they'll be like yeah so just go down hyperion take a left one stop yes the computer is going to tell me exactly how to get there and i don't need you to tell me how to get there shouldn't make me that mad and shane

ivan carmel dark emperor of the west hills does that shit all the time and you have to listen because if you don't you're like in his defense i'll say it's an age thing for him yeah i get it i and i agree but he uses the google maps and shit yeah he knows reading you the directions from the google maps you're like well it says here that you're gonna want to take a left you're like listen dog i will get to the party the same time that you get to the party yeah my phone will tell me how to get to the party sometimes Sometimes it's not even a party. Sometimes it's a funeral. I'm already stressed.

I thank God I was born in this age because my brain doesn't even work with directions. If you're like, take a left, then a right, then a left. I'm like, I'm not. I can't. I won't be there. No. I can't make it. What I'll do.

I hope you live one exit, like one street off the freeway. I'll go ahead and plug it into my phone and then I'll just get there by listening to my phone. Now, Shane, you had your hand up in the air like you were going to disagree. No. I'm on your side, yeah. All right. I'm 100% with you on this one. I was a MapQuest motherfucker back in the day.

I would print out MapQuest directions. Tony, our friend, who I'll be officiating the wedding. Perpetrator. Oh, but perpetrator. People had names when I posted the thing about Nike Adidas on Twitter. Perpetrating was one of them. If you did both, man, you're perpetrating. And then another one, pre-people knowing that this was another thing, cross-dressing.

Oh. People called it cross-dressing. Wildly different now. Wildly different. Yeah. Anyway, Anthony Lopez, tell them a story. Heather called in and she said something about how do I get to where you to where you're at and he gave her the address she's like well how do I get there and he goes it's right on the corner of your goddamn iPhone and the internet and I'm just sitting there like you old bold man

but at the same time I was like yeah that yeah. You had that little Anthony Lopez grin on his face when he was saying that? That's exactly where it's at. That's amazing. He was real pleased with himself after that. Oh, yeah. He was looking at me like, yeah, yeah, I got it. I'm like, yeah, hell yeah. It was – and then he hung up.

I was like, well, now, man, she's going to be mad at you. But that was hilarious. That's like the phone call thing. I'm just going to go in my room. You know there's that website, Let Me Google That For You? Yeah. That's like the phone call equivalent of that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where somebody will ask a question that's easily answerable. If you were like, what's the capital of Texas? And then they'd ask that. Who gives a fuck is the right answer, right? You could send them a link that goes to Google. You watch your fucking tongue. You can literally see what's the capital of Texas being typed into the Google box.

It's fucking amazing. I've had my mom email me questions that she could have asked. So the fact that she's emailing me, I know she's on something with the internet. And I'm like, you could have cut out six steps here, because all I'm going to do is Google it and then text you or email it back to you. And then you're going to either check your text or your email. And so it's like so many extra steps. St. Kelly Jordan. Yeah, she's a saint. She probably just email it back to you. And then you're going to either check your text or your email. And so it's like so many extra steps. St. Kelly Jordan.

Yeah. She probably just wants to talk to you. That's probably what it is. Probably. She knows. She just misses you. That's why this upsets me that I get so mad with this thing is because all it is is people wanting to help and wanting to be cool and nice and tell you how to get where you're going. But you're just like, I got it.

It's very well-intentioned. Yeah, it is. And that's why I feel so bad every time I get mad, which is why I try to calm. You do lose that experience of having, like, you know, you'd see in movies where the old guy who lived in that town forever gives you directions at the gas station, and there's some local flavor peppered in.

There should be a mode, like, on Google Maps, like, they're going to take a left there on Bronson. The time was Bronson was a pumpkin farm. You're going to feel like you've gone too far. Yeah, you're going to feel that's when you know you've gone halfway there. Well, and they'll tell you like, don't take a left on Gettysburg. Something bad happened on Gettysburg. We don't talk about that.

And then that's in Google Maps. Whoa, I almost was going to take a left there. We don't talk about that? Yeah. Then you get murdered later that night. And then it's a then it's a horrible people don't take a left on bronson either i've only taken lefts on bronson yeah dude a couple rights too we're talking about the criminal bronson i kind of yeah tom hardy yeah and his big cannonball shoulders they are uh god they're remaking what that death wish was that a charles bronson movie they're remaking it with bruce willie dude are they i think it's a remake actually if anybody out there knows anybody God, they're remaking what? That Death Wish? Was that a Charles Bronson movie? Yeah. They're remaking it with Bruce Willey, dude.

Are they? I think it's a remake. Actually, if anybody out there knows. Anybody wants to check the internet for me since I can't do it, even though that's what I was complaining about just now, that I could go do it myself. I never watched one of those. Death Wish? Yeah.

Me neither. We're going to watch the whole catalog tonight after this. Sounds good. All right. Eating chicken wings. We'll bookend it in between Ray Donovan. Eat wings doing things? Ray Donovan.

He was watching it. What do your three kids think aboutend it in between Ray Donovan. Eat wangs doing things? Ray Donovan. He was watching it. What do your three kids think about how often you watch Ray Donovan? I told you it's bad TV. You're a dad. It's great. I do want to check it out. I heard an ad for it the other day. When Hollywood's elite need a problem, they call Ray Donovan.

You've got to say it with a better Boston accent than that. Ray Donovan. Ray. Raymond. Raymond Donovan. You got to say it with a better Boston accent than that. Ray Donovan. Ray. Raymond. Raymond Donovan. Oh, Ray Donovan. Lois. That was Lois and Marge.

What the fuck voice did I just do? Peter, how? That could pass for like a bad Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, yeah. Gilbert Godfrey. I can do kind of a good Gilbert Godfrey bad Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, yeah. Gilbert Godfrey. I can do kind of a good Gilbert Godfrey. Gilbert Godfrey. Jafar.

Right, a little bit? Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's where you got it. Every Jewish comedian soul links with another Jewish comedian, and we can perfectly do each other's voices. Iago was the name, right? Mm-hmm.

Yep. From Shakespeare's play, Aladdin. There it is. That'll be a fun joke for the three shakespearean scholars who listen to this uh directions you can look up it is true it is truly annoying it's it is truly annoying boils my blood you it's just such a waste of time and i shouldn't get someone to ask you for the directions if they're not telling them to you are you like you know how hard it is for me not to be like let me see your phone real quick i don't know if they don't have an iphone if they don't if they got like a are you like... You know how hard it is for me not to be like, let me see your phone real quick. I don't know what...

And if they don't have an iPhone, if they don't, if they got like a jitterbug with prepaids on it or something, sure, I'll toss you directions to fucking mix two. But if you got an iPhone, you're looking them up. Yuck. What were you going to say? I forget.

I got so heated. You left my head. I fucking heated it right out of you. I don't even know what... I don't know what name streets are. I don't know what fucking freeways are. I don't know what freeway we live next to. I think it's the 134. And there's an argument... But I don't know. There streets are. I don't know what fucking freeways are. I don't know what freeway we live next to. I think it's the 134.

And there's an argument. I don't know. There is an argument to the direction, which is why I try to pay attention. You're right. I mean, important stuff to think about. But like, I'm. Yeah, maybe not. I feel like you just know how to get home.

No, I know. I know. Like, I mean, I could get there. I just don't know what the names of the streets are. Yeah. See, and that it's weird because I don't know if I could explain to someone how to get back to the house. Yeah. Like from here.

But I can get there without my phone. Go to the Zankow Chicken and wait till I show up. I'll walk you the rest of the way. Just type in Zankow Chicken. I'll be swinging through. Goddamn phone. If you don't want to get to the house before we get there, go to the goddamn Zankow Chicken. I'll tell you the crazy story about the murder-suicide that involves Zankow Chicken on the walk back to the crib.

It takes about that long. And then you can feel bad for eating it. Yeah. Right when we get back to the house. Good. First pick in the second round, Sean Jordan, as it is a serpentine raft. First pick in the second round. I hope everybody still thinks I'm as nice as they did before they started listening to this.

This stuff doesn't actually get me upset with people, but this is going to make me sound like a real dick. When you're watching a movie and somebody goes, oh, watch this, that you're watching. Oh, you don't like that. I have seen you do that. You do that a lot. Do as I say, not as I do. This is like, God, you're such a hypocrite. I try not to do it today when you're watching Game of Thrones.

You do. You do love that. You love it. If someone does it to me. We watch Menace to Society at the old apartment, all of us together in Portland, and every time you're like, I used to have this car. You said that every two minutes. You'd be sick.

Oh, that's fine. No, I'm just like, what I'm saying is if somebody says, watch this, like you're not paying attention. That's what I don't like. If I'm watching a movie, I'm glued to it. Yeah. Someone's like, oh, watch this like you're not paying attention. That's what I don't like. If I'm watching a movie, I'm glued to it. Someone's like, oh, watch this. I'm like, I'm fucking watching it. I'm in the process. I'm doing that.

I hate it. Oh, I guess I'll stop thinking about a horse running through a field. That's what it... And I'll pay attention to the movie. Now, if someone's on their phone or something, and they're like, hey, watch this. It's fine. But if I'm sitting there watching the movie,

and someone who has seen it, it's always when it happens, someone who's seen it a million times is like, oh my god, watch this. And they'll tap you and shit. It's exciting for them because they get to watch someone see it for the first time. But it insults my intelligence because you didn't think I was going to get the plot or whatever twist was happening or the buckness that's about to ensue. I was going to

get all that. So don't attack me like that. And that really bothers me. It bothers the shit out of me. It's that when is that when someone says like oh i wasn't paying attention start like like pull it back a little bit it's like no the fucking train left the station you hate that yeah yeah that could be one of your picks if you don't want to go out of turn maybe born of that trauma do you tell people to watch this like like hey watch this for a second because maybe you do this i haven't noticed it so you've been in new york for a second. Because maybe you do this. I haven't noticed it. So you've been in New York for a couple of years. Maybe you picked it up.

The only time I like it when someone says watch this, if an episode of Ballers is about to come on. Oh, haters in the building. HBO, Ballers. Like, yeah, I'll watch it. I was going to watch it, but thank you for the heads up because I was in there putting hot sauce on my salad. That's what I was doing.

Coming out here to make Ian cry so he couldn't watch it. And then I'd be like, dog, watch this. And you'd be like, is it Ballers? And I'm like, yeah, you want some salad? You'd be like, it's got hot sauce on it, but I don't care because Ballers is on. Playboy. And we're both on Yoga Balls. We had a food editor of LA Weekly, Catherine Spears, was on the show. And I brought up the hot sauce on the salad thing.

She was put off for a second. But she's a sweet person eventually she was like oh yeah i could see that so i don't i don't who listens but you were gone how was the road by the way we didn't even talk about it at all it was awesome i did shit oh all the yeah all the it was astonishing to me all the people that came out because of this yeah it was i mean super cool any crazy shit go down in sioux falls or or is it mostly adult-ass shit? A wedding.

Yeah. You know, I spent money I didn't have on some adult-ass clothes. Yeah. But that was all right. What'd you wear? Just that nobody, if they saw me, they'd be like. A pair of aviators in that picture. A pair of big-ass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A pair of Riggins. A pair of Tim Riggins. Tom Cruise? What did you? Oh, Tom Booze. Tom Booze, dude. I got like a Banana Republic shirt and some Levi's. Shouldn't.

Most people who are adults wouldn't consider those adult clothes. Yeah, they're just shirt and some Levi's Most people who are adults Wouldn't consider those adult clothes They're just like khaki Levi's They were dank though The wedding was tight my whole fucking childhood was there Everything That made me The pillar of humanity

That I am today was there The pillar? Nicole Ford was there? Damn it No she wasn't she made she's the dark side of me she i thought there was gonna be some story like me and chode the brode stole uh eight balls of malt liquor from a hospital no every it was funny going over those stories though because there was a lot of people that like haven't met everybody yeah yeah and we're telling people these stories for the first time and adam's girlfriend we told her a bunch of stories about wilson she's like i hate him

it's like he's such a nice guy she's like well no he shot adam with a bb gun wilson what did wilson do when we were kids yeah uh adam was like making fun of him for something and uh they held a match up to him i think is what happened and they thought it was going to burn out before like oh they did the match in the toes thing i think okay so they put a match and they thought he was going to catch it but he didn't so it burned his toes right so wilson got up and mentioned something about a bb gun being in the basement and adam's like don't you don't you even think so wilson calmly walks out of the room walks down a flight of stairs another flight of stairs through the kitchen through the living room down two more flights of stairs grabs the bb gun walks back up

all this flights of stairs kitchen living room back all the more flights of stairs, grabs the BB gun, walks back up, all this flights of stairs, kitchen, living room, back all the way up, cocking it the whole time. And he walks in, points it at Adam, and Adam's like, don't you fucking shoot me with that BB gun. And Will shot him with a BB gun. That's funny. It's hilarious. And then Adam, a couple days later, he said he could feel it in his ankle,

and his dad's like, nah, that's not the BB. And then they went to the doctor, and the doctor cut it out. Like, obviously that was a BBb i don't know what you thought perfectly spherical bone that's loose in here that's what his dad is trying to sell him like no man i mean that can't be the bb that ryan shot into you setting off metal detectors with your foot friend of the podcast not on mic not in the room nick and anpe in hawaii right now i think but uh when we used to live together our friend nate would come over and nate would bring a brick or nick would bring a brick out from the basement and just be like this is the brick i'm gonna kill you with right

and then he would go put it back in the basement still might be the brick he kills him with but perfectly calm like just to say that. Like, hey, this is the brick I'm going to kill you with. And Nate would freak out. It was the funniest thing in the world. Well, now I'm not going to go to bed. Not as funny, though, as the time we had a bottle. Somebody's girlfriend had mace on their keychains because men are monsters. She had the rapper mace or was it just her?

No, no, no, no. I wish. They had both actually. They had a tiny clay mace. Do it spit one? No, no, no, I wish. They had both actually. They had a tiny clay mace. So it spit rhymes at you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mace one, where your keys at? One, two, three, four, take a car back.

One, two, three, four, vroom, vroom, vroom. No, it didn't change from a limp. Huh, bad boy. No, it's not true. One, two, three, four, take a car back. No, it's not true. One, two, three, four, take a car back. One, two, three, four, take a car back.

None of it has to rhyme. That's the thing. It doesn't matter. So they had that kind of mace. So they had that and then mace that you would use on an assailant. And Nick had it. And was like, Fakes was going like, I'm going to spray you, Nate. I'm going to spray you.

And then didn't spray him. And then at one point didn't even have the mace in his hands and just ran up to Nate and went, like literally made that noise. Crooked his finger and made like a hissing noise. And Nate, for a minute and a half, acted as though he had been sprayed with mace. Fell on the ground as like coughing and spitting. And Nate's like a smart guy. He's married as a kid. a kid like a scientist or something

no you're thinking of graham nate's good but nate like works at a he's a banker like he's a good like but so he didn't look like his that he just assumed like he just started reacting it was really interesting now when you think about it so uh psychological did he stop or did you guys tell him after a minute and a half yeah he stopped and he was like wait no we were yelling i was like we didn't see you didn't spray you with mace nick is i don't know how many nick stories i can tell on this podcast nick is i know i had to that's why it took me a second i had to edit smith stories going through my head time he tried to drown a whole hive of bumblebees that live in our porch. Crazy.

Well, now you need to tell them. Now you need to tell them. Now you need to dime on who the comedian who one-ups people is. I gave you a clue. This is just a funny, but this is a short one. It doesn't have, it's just a funny Smith one.

It's lighthearted. Smith, we were all having a sleepover and he brings up like a 42 ounce gas station cup full of Kool-Aid like to the brim with that over the top of the cup stuff on it where you're like that's liquid but it's like the viscous stuff is so Mike looks at Smith and he goes don't fucking spill

that it's white carpet and Smith's like dude chill out like doing his fucking little underhand finger thing he's like chill out dude yeah and everybody goes to sleep and then Mike wakes up like two hours later to smith tugging on his comforter to wipe up all the kool-aid that he had spilled and okay so like he yeah obviously he spilled it but then he's gonna use mike's blanket that he's trying to keep mike asleep but he's taking his blanket off and be like dog dog so many there were bathrooms there were towels yeah yeah it was an easy place to get a towel that's fucking nuts. Yeah. There we go.

I've told the Code Red story on here, right? I think I have. It's not a hero in it. Just the giant thing of soda reminded me. I think I have told it, but just in case people didn't listen. I went to Taco Bell. I think I must have told the Taco Bell podcast. I'm not a hero in this.

I ordered one extra large Mountain Dew Code Red. That should have been their first sign. Yeah, we're like, no, no, no. They come just to get the soda. And then they handed it to me. And I yelled Code Red and threw it right back at the person working at the Taco Bell. And now we go to Taco Bell all the time. Yes.

And as a penance, I have spent $45,000 at Taco Bell over the last year and a half. I'm sure that guy gets all that money. I hope so. I hope so. I was at Bucket. So they got this new thing called the Potato Rito. Oh, yeah. And I was like, can I get one of the, like, let's be honest, it was like four Potato Burritos.

Can I get four of those Potato Burritos? He goes, do you mean the Potato Rito? What the fuck do you think I meant? The new dollar item menu yeah so i killed him so they got like a new kid learning the ropes at taco bell that was the code red guy yeah he's had a rough few years it went up his nose causing brain damage to where he could only name the menu items the exact way they're exactly how they are that's like one of the maddest things i've ever seen the maddest i've ever seen you get was the Frito burrito thing.

Fuck that. Yeah, it was the same thing. Same thing. I go, let me get a Frito burrito. And he goes, you mean the beefy, crunchy burrito or something? I'm like, dog, you know exactly. Give me the fucking thing with Fritos on it at that time. And maybe now still there was only one thing with Fritos on it.

Of course. Give me that. Your decade of Taekwondo training almost came to that. Came right to the fore. I would have been like a tornado of just fury and hunger and hot sauce probably because I would have stopped off. Nudging someone and saying, watch this. Yeah.

Yeah. Bugs me to no end. When you're already fucking watching it. Yeah. Great pet peeve. It really is. Yeah. Ian, next pick if you would please

second pick in the second round God is your biggest pet peeve God the Lord yeah what if I got all like freshman year of college God now I know a lot of you think of him as your Lord and Savior but what if I told you he was actually a burden on society

why do you think that bro over the next 15 minutes, me and my group of other dudes also named Ian are going to go through the deleterious effects that organized religion has had not only on Western society, but on the world as a whole.

But what about the good it's done? We'll have a question and answer session at the end. Join me, if you will will in the year 1200 ad a man is walking down the street it's a street in the third world maybe it's his first time around i'm doing uh what does that call me on i i thought i knew more of the lyrics off top than i did it would have been amazing i never i never would have gotten that was called me up street

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and you don't get the hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to de-stigmatize and educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there are a ton. And they also want to make it accessible for everyone. Each order ships discreetly. No one's going to get in your business. No one's going to be in your kitchen stirring your Kool-Aid. It just comes in a nice little box. And it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed.

I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code all fantasy at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code all fantasy. My second pick. Don't throw it at me. That's tricky. It is. All right. I'm going to do one that I think people are going to get mad at me that's tricky it is all right i'm gonna do one that i think people are gonna get mad at me for well that i'm worried about all these i know dogs on airplanes fucking there's

gonna be a lot of travel ones yeah dude yeah fucking dogs on airplanes what do they make an underbelly for your goddamn dog off the fucking airplane or a lot of this shit my dog oh that's just what my dog does then don't fucking bring your dog on the plane don't bring your fucking dog then if it's a kid you can't help it fine you can't we were all there once but i was never a dog you can't you're also allergic well that's part of it but i think i'd hate it anyway just knowing me yeah you would yeah uh i'm alert i am allergic to dogs and like dogs, and I've been seated a row in front of or behind, and my eyes get all itchy. It's not cute. It's not cute.

And also, people let their dogs just kind of... I've seen people let them roam in the store, just like, oh, that's fine. It's just a little dog. That shit is inappropriate. I get so fucking mad. They have big-ass dogs, too. Everything can't be a therapy animal. No?

Sometimes I want to be like, you're a liar. Yeah, that's not, I know, don't you want to be like, what's wrong with you? Why do you need that? All the things that you definitely shouldn't do to people?

I get really anxious when people yell at me. People need them. People need therapy dogs. A lot of people do. And they should ride down on the bottom of the plane with their dogs.

Or just drive to Chattanooga if they have to get there. Not really, of course. I mean, obviously, there are people who definitely need it. You know, people who are visually impaired. Sure. By which I mean ugly. Someone like you. No, I'm just joking.

You're beautiful. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm an ugly person. I was going to do the joke on Sean, but he's so good looking. He's so handsome. You guys. Yeah. I mean, thanks. Someone like me, maybe. There we go. Sean, but he's so good looking. He's so handsome. You guys. I mean, thanks.

Someone like me, maybe. There we go. Yeah, you're very handsome, too. You're going to the gym all the time. You look great. Thank you. You do look. You have been going to the gym.

No, you're not a big dummy. You're gorgeous. No. Yes, you are. You can be a big dummy and be gorgeous. You're a big, dumb, gorgeous dummy. You are a big, dumb, gorgeous guy. I call myself a tub of shit, not a dummy.

You better thank God every day you're so gorgeous with that fucking jelly bean you got knocking around on that big ass head what is the big dumb gorgeous idiot uh honestly some people do need a dog on a plane but like i really like people are taking advantage of it there's a hundred percent chance people are taking advantage you see it all the time i'm like your pomeranian is a service dog or did you not want to pay the $45 or whatever it is? I love the idea of dogs getting x-rayed at the airport, though. Do they? No. I don't think so.

Wait, what does that mean? They do have to take them through. I'm sure they go through the metal detector. I'm stupid. I was on an airplane. I had a first class seat, because I'm doing well. You thought you did.

I did. And then you were riding in a barn. Turns out I was in steerage. It was me, a dog, and a bunch of Irish. On the Titanic, goddammit. Bottom floor of the Titanic. Yeah, Sean and I remember we were like, what are you seeing back here?

Yeah, you might have seen Grandma Jordan on there. With that prominent appeals tourney. I got on, and they're like, so there's somebody sitting next to me, which again, I didn't like. But no, there was somebody there. And the biggest dog, just like a huge, hella furry, like loose fur fucking dog. How big? Big dog. It took up the entire leg area. hella furry, like loose fur fucking dog. How big really? Big dog.

Like it took up the entire leg area. Like theirs and mine. That is a big goddamn dog. Yeah. And I'm a big goddamn dog. And you can't run with me. Stay on the porch. You know what I mean?

So. Don't go in the yard. That's where big dogs shit. Right? I walk on and I'm like looking at the, I'm like, what am I supposed to do with my legs? And I was like, pardon me, is this your dog? I'm like, and I went to, and they'm like looking at the I'm like what am I supposed to do with my legs and I was like pardon me is this your dog I'm like and I went to and they were like yeah and that also makes you feel like an asshole because you have to ask them an obvious question

you have to be the person against dogs I don't want this to come off as though I'm anti-dog I'm just anti-dogs on planes I've seen you with a dog I've seen you get down with dogs I love them I don't want to pet them too much because of the allergies but like all of a sudden it's like you versus dog, and nobody's going to side with you.

No, God. So I go to the flight attendant. I'm like, pardon me, this is my seat, but there's a dog where my legs are supposed to be? I don't know if I said it as sassy as all that, but like. You got the point across. And they were like, okay, well, we'll see if someone will switch seats with you. I'm like, I'm the person inconveniencing someone? But then there's going to be a dog in their leg room.

We got a cat person in seat A3. They found someone. Yeah. I said I'm allergic, which is true. But also, that shouldn't have been a thing. They should have just moved the fucking dog. Yeah, that's odd. I've never seen anything like that.

It's weird that that's not a thing they ask. If you have a dog that big, you have to buy it a seat. Yeah. Yeah. You have to buy a one and a half year old a seat. Yeah. But you know, someone makes notes like when they buy their ticket about like getting a nut, like having a nut allergy.

Yeah. They won't serve them on the flight. So like you can't bring like anything with nuts. Right. Why wouldn't they ask that about dogs? Right. That's a weird thing. Am I crazy or no?

No. Yeah. No. I was laughing about something else. I can't think of a funny way to say it, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah. Keep going.

I played back what I thought. Yeah, just think about it. Yeah. But yes, I agree. I've never seen a giant dog on a plane. Big ass dog. I've seen little guys that, and I've only seen it with dogs that fit under a seat in a carrier.

Sure. Here we go with someone like me. Even out of a guest boat. If I hear a dog bark on an airplane, I don't want that. I'm already, it's already a suspicious situation. you're floating up there in 36 000 feet above the earth that's what i was just gonna say like as of late in the last year or so i'm a horrible flyer yeah and so when i hear a dog barking it does the opposite of calm me down yeah i don't know how it doesn't fucking freak everyone out but i i get i'm on edge, dude. There's just definitely more people doing it. I'm sure again

some people need it. Of course, yeah. God bless them. Yeah. And their families. That was a sincere There are people who fucking take advantage of it and it's a pet peeve. It's a pet pet peeve. Oh, a pet pet peeve. Well, now we gotta stop because I was, there it is.

Thank you for tuning in. Shane Torres. Shiga. It's time for you for tuning in. Shane Torres. Chigga. It is time for you to one-up your previous pick. Oh. This is like – this one actually like kills – is when people read over your shoulder. Oh. It's the – I fucking cannot, cannot deal with it. Like I get up and I'm visibly upset and I don't even say anything and I just walk away with whatever I have in up, and I'm visibly upset, and I don't even say anything.

I just walk away with whatever I have in my – whatever I'm – I cannot fucking do it. I bartended – for two years, I bartended Sunday morning brunch shift with the same guy, and he never brought a newspaper in. And I brought one in. It was like my ritual. I'd have my coffee. So it would be kind of slow behind the bar? Well, it would be before we opened. I would just sit there and have my coffee and enjoy it and just read the sports section. Just enjoy a nice sports section with your coffee.

Yeah. And then fucking Trey. Let's see what old Jason Witten got up to this week. Tell you what he got up to. About eight catches, 98 yards. No good. A lot of snap on the paper. No good is what he got up to.

And fucking Trey would just stand right behind. And finally I had to be like, you got to stop doing this. And then he would still do it. Oh, no. And right now I'm so mad just thinking about it. It's tense. The room has an electricity to it. Almost as though Jason Witten had just broken through an arm tackle.

And he just had to beat the free safety he's barreling down on him in a pickle juice himself he's making a beeline for him he's not trying to dodge him sure okay I'm sorry it's just bringing you back

to Texas flashbacks Texas flashbacks just some weird football flashback that I'm sure you have but I can't I fuck it I can't say

no matter who and also I do it sometimes too oh sure everyone's guilty of all of these I never brought a dog on a plane and I never will we'll get to three But I can't. I can't say. And no matter who. And also, I do it sometimes, too. Oh, sure. Everyone's guilty of all of these. I never brought a dog on a plane, and I never will. We'll get to three that I'm very guilty of. So still bug me. I think when I see him, like when I'm back home, I'm like.

Yeah. So. Still mad at him, huh? Yeah. That sounds like a YP, dude. A YP? Your problem. Your problem.

Sounds like something maybe you need to let go. Get yourself a therapy dog. Take it on an airplane. Fuck up my day. Maybe that'll make you feel better. I feel like this is just like a new way for you guys to find out how to make me mad. Oh! We're just gonna do all these things? That's brilliant.

Well, now it is. So you shouldn't have brought that up. And it's worse now when you're because at least with a newspaper they saw everything they needed to read. If somebody's reading over your shoulder now and you're scrolling through shit on your computer they finish, I guarantee they finish because I'm none of your fucking business

on a personal device. A newspaper at least is a public record. Literally what it is. But if you're watching me see what my grandma's been up to on Facebook, that shit is annoying. Yeah, it's very annoying. I will co-opt into and also give you this with your pick. Yeah, the people who look at your computer screen.

That shit. Ooh. When you can feel someone's side eye in it and you're like, stop looking. There's somebody at work. Say who? Say who? Huh? Say who?

No, we can't name names. No. Also, people wouldn't know uh who just people aren't gonna know this guy either no yeah they'll like like to see if i'm paying attention to them will like look at my computer screen to see if i'm like on twitter or something else and i have gotten i have shouted in front of other adults who are also paid to be there at this really yeah i've gotten up and been like don't fucking look at my screen really yeah if i'm paying attention to you you'll know i'm paying attention to you that's it that's like walking yeah i had to get spicy once wow a couple times

that's like walking into someone's bedroom yeah and their house like it's a pretty private thing yeah it's fucking don't look at someone's computer. What if I just started going into your glove box in your car? Look, ugh. Yeah, also nobody owes you their time like that. Anyway, yeah. True. But yeah, reading over the shoulder is very annoying. It's fucking, it's, I can't, I can't talk about it enough.

It is a, reading something, especially a book, a newspaper, creates a private communion, a moment between you and yourself. And an author. And an author. And when somebody else invades that, it kind of does. You're like, it's weird how you physically feel it, isn't it? That's probably the feeling. Physically feel it.

I don't know why I said it like that. It's who you physically feel someone reading over your shoulder. Physical. It's like an interruption of like, yeah. It's like an orchestral swell of tension in your body. Which is more like listening to like, what's a movie that's being narrated? March of the Penguins. Yeah, if you're just listening to Morgan Freeman's soothing voice, and then all of a sudden someone's like, what are you doing?

I'd like to tell you that, what happened to that kid? Andy Dufresne. Oh yeah, I'd like to tell you that the sisters went easy on Andy that day. But they didn't! Watch this! Watch this! This is where they beat the shit out of him. That's what, you know, I'm watching Shawshank. Hey, watch this, dude!

Pretty fair to say, we liked him from the start. Basically, I'm thirsty. I have no idea what those two Italian women were singing about that day. But I'd like to imagine it was something so beautiful. Damn, what are you doing? Reading over your shoulder, very annoying.

As it is a serpentine draft. That means back to back, dude, like Drake. You like Drake, don't you? Back to back, 96, 97. You a Drake guy? You know that I don't. What about Sir Francis Drake? The Drake Hotel.

Drake's Coffee Cakes. Give me one more. Give me one more Drake. Drake's Coffee Cakes. Mandrake, the root that was once thought to have healing powers. Oh, what about Paul Walker's main character in The Skulls? Caleb Mandrake. What about Drake from Drake and Josh?

Yeah. There's another Drake. You guys are good. What about Drake from Drake and Josh? Yeah. There's another Drake. You guys are good. What about Dracula? Dracula's cooler partner. Dracula. Yo. That's an El sketch.

Yeah, it totally is. That'd be a fun Halloween costume, Dracula. That would be a fun one. For you. You know I don't know. I don't like it when you do this because i just don't know what am i doing i was asking you if that's blackface or not is that what you don't know probably it probably is yeah canadian blackface dracula he's canadian

right yeah but he's also black yeah you're a drake guy yeah i love him just because they didn't have slavery as long as that doesn't mean it's okay to do blackface is that what you're implying shame jesus christ oh buddy i'm saying i'm sorry it's okay to do blackface. Is that what you're implying, Shane? Jesus Christ. Whoa, buddy. Shane Torres. I'm sorry, it's almost, we're almost to a point.

Shane Torres, who has a special coming out on Comedy Central September 2nd, is implying that blackface is okay on a podcast? Shane, put your shirt back on again for the second time you've taken it off.

You haven't, any more pet peeves? So, the other thing, ironic, being interrupted. Oh! Is that why you say, can I finish?

Shut up! It's my pick, you fucking Irish drunk. Shane says, can I finish, so much to me. Because we have so much sex. Because we have so much sex. Because we bone so hard. Oh, my God. Literally haven't got to say anything else about my pick it's your birthday yes

yes shane your birthday and new year's that's when i let it happen New Year's. That's when I let it happen. Well, shut up. I guess, yeah, you guys get it. I don't really think anything else needs to be said about interruptions. It's tricky, especially when you bring it up,

because now, yeah, because you're a fucking six-year-old. I'm just texting. I'm not doing this because I'm polite. Are you paying attention to me? I'm just texting. I'm not doing this because I'm polite. I'm just ignoring. Are you paying attention to me? I'm ignoring you now. I got two speeds, ignore you or interrupt you. Interrupt, yeah.

You can pick. I'm either going up the hill or down the hill. I come from an interrupting people, so I kind of low-key view your pick as anti-Semitic. You don't get to say, hold on,

you don't get to say something yourself You don't get to say Something yourself Yeah And then be like It's anti-semitic No Well you are the anti-semitic You're the one who said it You're the anti-semitic

I did not We are an interrupting people No No I think you're a kind It was not for us Our kind Persevering people

Oh thank you Yeah Who have been through a lot And somehow managed to contribute More than most people To the world Yeah we Irish didn't do a lot and somehow managed to contribute more than most people to the world. Yeah, we Irish didn't do a lot. No.

We saved civilization. I read that book. We party. I read it over Shane's shoulder, but I was hammered. I was dropped off at Jameson and fighting. We're going for the cycle. We didn't take the Old Testament at its word. It was something to be debated and discussed.

Couldn't tell if you were doing it at first. From which to draw morals, to learn rather than to be told. So we discuss, we debate, we interrupt each other. Anti-Semite. Your response. Shane, stick up for yourself. Someone call it a rebuttal. I guess I just don't like Jews.

Shut up. Shut up. It is. Interrupting can be. What if you get interrupted by someone one-upping you? You often would be by a one-up. That is like, yeah. It actually makes me think of that same person.

Yeah. I can't wait till we're off air and I find out who it is and tweet it. You know what's a really fun thing is when you're doing stand-up and someone tries to interrupt you and you have a mic and you can just yell. Yeah. I've done it where people are just yelling and I'm like, I'm fucking louder. You're both like two four-year-olds and you're with like 300 people who all paid good money to get in there. I'm louder than you.

But they're all like, yeah, fuck that guy. Talk louder than him. Yeah. Yep. I will. The crowd is almost never on the heckler's side. God, wouldn't that be an easy flip to handle? Yeah.

Yeah. Most of the time. Mm-hmm. Just don't go too hard. If it's funnier than what you said, you know, take a step back. Examine what you're saying. What happened in Chicago like two weeks ago, this girl was just like talking in the front row. And I was like – I kind of like riffed with her a little bit.

And she was like, your flirting is making everyone uncomfortable. She said that to you? Whoa. And then I said if I was flirting with you, you'd be throwing up. And then she threw up everywhere? Yeah, she did. Yeah. We're going to go out next time.

Got down on one knee. Will you Chicago marry me? Will you Chicago? It's like you're only married when you're in Chicago. Oh, I like that. I do like that. It's a good little way to be. Well, then I was Madison married once.

Yeah, I've been Madison married once. Yeah, I've been to Sioux Falls, but yeah, I've never got Sioux City married. Don't do that. Is that just when you have sex with them? I don't know. I feel like there has to be more to it than that. I think Shane doesn't know. You also like, you think of it like, well, this would be nice if this was possible. One time at an Ian's Pizza,

which is in Madison, Wisconsin. It's an actual place in Madison, Wisconsin. I did not go there once with Shane the last time we were there really? yeah yeah I went there every night and they didn't give me

anything free I'm like I'm in and they're like fine I had an entire relationship with a woman in the line there the whole the rise

the fall everything like really? you saw what it got good and bad by the time you got here it was uncomfortable at the end

what did you talk about? first fight, the divorce yeah the divorce you saw each other on your way out of the restaurant after you had your separate meals and you by the time you got here. It was uncomfortable at the end. What did you talk about? First fight, the divorce. Yeah, the divorce. You saw each other on your way out of the restaurant after you had your separate meals, and you're like, how you been? Yeah. Everything, you look good. You look good.

As I was leaving, I screamed Blink-182 lyrics out. I was like, when he's gone, I won't come back. Then I was gone, dude. Eating pizza with macaroni and cheese on it in the street. That's the street to do it. If you're going to do it, go to Madison, because they don't seem to give a fuck if you're on the streets at any hour of the day. Standing there, having a conversation.

You know, I don't want to get too far into it. Might be going to be further down the list. Who knows? Being interrupted. Yeah. Is your third pick. You guys proved my point. Everyone's stoked that we were interrupting.

I know. I know. Everyone's finally done laughing at all the interruptions is it what's like by your rubric the stars shining in the sky are an interruption of the bleak sucking blackness that would be outer space and you know that but does the sun i'm a wallower does the sun interrupt the clouds is that is that your fucking take does music interrupt the silence in which you contemplate your own mortality? I wish it was dark and quieter. Can you guys set my arm on fire so it feels darker and quieter, please?

I can't believe I get all three of my first picks that I wanted. I thought somebody else might have taken Nike Adidas. And I'm about to take my third pick. I couldn't do it because I'm wearing it. What I'm going to take right now is motorcycles. I fucking hate

fucking motorcycles. I'm trying to have a fucking coffee sitting there, enjoy a beautiful fucking day. No, no, no, no, no, no. And you drive by on your fucking loud ass piece of shit motorcycle. It's the interrupter of the freeway. Because you're going through a divorce, Scott.

Work on yourself. A motorcycle isn't a replacement for a personality. They're so fucking loud. And then in LA. It is an accessory. It's crazy. I understand that they need to be a little bit loud so you know they're there. I get that.

Counterpoint, we don't even need motorcycles. You know what I mean? True story. That's just crazy. If it's a pedestrian, you just got to have two swords. And it's like, well, just in case, you know? So you know I'm there. I just need to get there quicker.

If it's a crowded sidewalk, I'm going to be wielding my swords. I saw a motorcycle today and I thought, man, that would be the best thing ever to have. Sure, you own denim jackets, too. I get it. I can see you on a motorcycle, but they're, man, that would be the best thing ever to have. Sure, you own denim jackets too. I get it. I can see you on a motorcycle, but they're so loud. They are super loud. It's like what? It just fucks.

It's just it's one of the only things like that that just fucks up the public. Yeah, we were walking. Ian's dry even right now. We were walking. Walking. Me and one of you were walking and like 15 motorcycles went by. That was me. And I just had to fucking yell on the sidewalk.

Yeah, it was when we were on Sunset the other day. We're just walking, and surprisingly, neither one of us brought it up. But after a while, we were just walking, and then all of a sudden, I was like, yeah, anyway, so we were out last night. Yeah. And I hate that, because then I'm kind of out of breath. I'm sweating more. Yeah, you have to loud. You have to loud.

You have to loud. You have to get louder. You have to be loud. I have to louder. You have to loud. You have to smoke weed. Get off Sunset. Go to a desert.

Have you ever ridden one? Yeah, I've been on a motorcycle before. They're fun. I get it. It's recreational. But they're just fucking annoying. They're like they shouldn't be a main method of transportation. And then in L.A., they get to drive in between cars.

I hate that. With their loud ass motors. It's scary. It gives me a fucking panic attack. Yeah, it's crazy. How do they know I'm not going to sneeze and just like clip them? My like first week here. My first week here in L.A., a drive to work that would usually take me like half an hour took two and a half hours because some poor schmuck crashed his fucking motorcycle. Yeah, you had the worst luck being two hours late to work.

Fuck that guy. He deserved to die. No, I'm just joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was too far.

He definitely didn't. My dad's – one of my dad's best friend died on a motorcycle, too. They're so dangerous. Pat, Jordan's boy. His insurance is only like 50 bucks a year. Is that so? Yeah, because they don't expect you to live. Oh, God.

Pat, Jordan's boy. Really? Because they're like, what are you? I feel bad about that deserve to die joke. He didn't. That was just being dark. No, of course you didn't. Yeah, but you're not going to do near as much damage to anything on a motorcycle.

Jesus, that's grim math. Yeah. That is harsh. Yeah. Well, hey, man, I didn't write the introduction. Now you're the bad guy. Not me anymore. I'm terrible again.

They're just so loud. They're so loud. And I am a man who enjoys brunch culture and dining al dente. And they can be quiet. you know if you got a motorcycle to park it oh shit there's a pleasant loud noise like the jetsons noise you can still hear it but it doesn't sound more like birdman like yeah why can't they make motorcycles just say compliments yeah screaming loud you look amazing do you um do you find one sound more particularly worse than the other like the harley like a like a loud like 100 the harley yeah it's just and it's just a decibels thing

yeah do you guys you guys know nick sahoya yeah no i don't think so yeah see all good yeah funny but he has this bit he does called gay motorcycle. He should be like, vroom, vroom, oh my God, vroom, vroom. It's the whole bit. I think it's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Is Nick gay? Yes, very. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. Straight as an arrow, Nick's a lawyer. Yeah, motorcycles just bum me out. They can just, if I'm laying in bed or something, this will happen. You'll hear it down the street and you're like, 30 more seconds until I can't hear that anymore. It's like a really bummer siren. At least a siren, you're like, someone's getting some help. They're helping someone.

Siren's great. When it's a motorcycle, you're like, probably going to be some sirens after this at some point. Yeah. Somebody who doesn't deserve sirens. So harsh. I don't even know if that guy died, to be honest. No, no. Yeah, yeah.

All right? So he might have. You do feel really bad about it. I do. I feel terrible. Because that's not you. Marissa gasped. You were in the heat of the moment.

And, of course, nobody thinks that you wished ill upon them. It was just an unfortunate situation. I think what happened is he parked and ate a Big Mac at a weird part of the freeway. Now, he did die, and I did wear a powder blue tuxedo to his funeral. And roller skates. Because you have a powder blue tuxedo. And roller blades. I know you had roller skates, but you do have roller blades sitting.

I got a roller everything. I. And roller blades. I didn't know you had roller skates, but you do have roller blades sitting. I got roller everything. I got a roller bag. You like power everything, but it's roller everything because you're doing well? Doing well. Motorcycles, my third pick. Sean Jordan, it is time for your third pick. All right. It is when you have to merge and somebody skips the whole line to merge

and they try to snake in right at the very end. Like right at the front. That's what I thought you were going to say. I can't believe I didn't. It's always a fight. I forgot about that. I will wreck. If I'm in my car, you're hitting it, dude.

You're hitting it. It will get greasy. What's worse than that is the like, you have to give them the you know what you did. And they look at you like you're an asshole. I'll make eye contact with these have to give them the, you know what you did. Like, and they like, they look at you like you're an ass. I'll make eye contact. Shane just,

Shane just one up to me. Did you catch that? Oh, we did. You go, you know, it's worse than that. I also interrupted you.

You want interrupted me, dude. Yeah. You're in, you're on a motorcycle, but I'm happy for you. Cause you said earlier, you're on a motorcycle on the second floor.

You wrote it up here like Eddie Furlong. Sitting on an Indian motorcycle. It's, there are, honestly, there's maybe 10 things I'm more passionate about than trying to fuck those people over. In the world. Maybe 10. We have this conversation every time we're in a car together because it happens every goddamn time. We will sit. And I'm not saying I haven't done this sometimes. don't still doesn't make it right sure i have done it but when someone does it and i'm obeying the rules all they're doing is gaming like

no my day is more important than yours my shit's more important i needed to skip the line you didn't i need to be up here and i will i will take them to the fires of hell with me here's an appeal to all all fantasy everything listeners listeners and anyone you're friends with. Let's make a fucking army where we do not let these motherfuckers in. Red Rover style. All I want once in my life. If you were like Ian, you know that Emmy you're nominated for? I'd be like, yes.

You mean the one for writing the Tony Awards 2016? I'd be like, yeah. What about it? What about the Emmy I'm nominated for? They'd be like, by the way, congratulations. Well, they're going to have to catch you in between trips to the gym. Yeah. Maybe I'm on the elliptical.

They're next to me. I'm like, go on. I'm not even out of breath because I've been going so much. Continue. You know what I mean? I'm like, do you have questions about the Emmy or what are you – I'm going to be here for four hours on this machine. And they're like, well, it's kind of a question about the Emmy.

I'm like, go on. I'm compelled. I'm hooked. All right. What is it? You had me at Emmy. You had me at Emmy. And they're like, that Emmy you're nominated for. I'm like, the Tony one. The one for the Tony. No sweat on the machine, by the way, because you don't sweat anymore. Not even a little bit. My feet are barely even touching it. You're like one of those bullet trains. Kind of like floating.

Yeah, you're just floating. Sort of a maglev situation. Anyway, sorry to interrupt. They're like, sorry to interrupt you, by the way. I'm like, I'm at the gym all the time. It'd be hard not to. It says Castor Troy in your sweatpants. I ripped them off his body. That Emmy you're nominated for.

I'm like, yes, the Tonys. What? You know? They're like, if you could win that that or just even once in your life, once be part of a convoy of cars that doesn't let somebody in and they actually have to go off and drive down a different road and they have to go to fucking recede it. And you have to fucking watch them.

They're in San Pedro now. They're just like, I swear to God, I would pick the ladder. You know, do you know how cool it see it so bad and it never happens and someone always buckles if it's the pettiest thing i get it but well yeah that's what we're talking about it's so incredibly if you're like oh yeah and i got a big body whip

i go out of it is a big body yeah the miracle whip dude all day all night i go what i'll do is if i see this coming up i'll i sort of even get like a foot over into the lane that everyone's supposed to merge from. Just so if somebody wants to come flying by me, I already have like kind of give a moving screen. Yeah. Like give a little bit of. Yeah.

Like my nose is like already off the ball before you snap it. You know what I mean? Like I just I happen to get a little bit past you and I will. I've got people. I've had people honk at me like get the fuck over. And I'm like, nah, sorry, dude. Nah. Body body wh had people honk at me like, get the fuck over. And I'm like, nah. Sorry, dude. Nah.

Whip's too big. You know what I mean? Can't get it over. It's too big for one lane. Spread the miracle whip on both slices of bread. Fresh bread. I love seeing how mad they get. It makes me so happy.

Your time is not more important than someone else. Leave early. You jamoke? There it is. Pardon my French. Pardon my French. I'm sorry. We might actually want to bleep that. You might even call that you're Irish. Pardon my Irish. else no leave early you jamoke you oh there it is pardon my french pardon my french we might actually want to bleep that now i didn't call that you're irish that's not racist i know no okay it isn't oh i see what you're doing yeah yeah yeah i tried sorry now who needs to take the improv lessons swing and a miss me ian well then you i don't need to take him then you go to the

groundlings groundlings yeah it's funny you should go to Groundlings. They're over there right now. We have Emmy-nominated writers coming out of here. Yeah, they're talking about him. They're not referring to me because they're actual better ones and winners. And winners. Tony Awards. Merging late.

It fucking makes me so mad. Every now and then, there was that guy the guy in portland yeah yeah where he something like that you you stopped someone from successfully merging like we're supposed to do and the guy behind us let him in and he rolled up and he he told you i was rolling with it on and he's like hey man i would have done what you did but it says my company's name on the side of the truck and and it's got a phone number, and we're like, that's all good, man. God bless that man.

You have an excuse. No one else has had an excuse. You had your information on the side of your door. You might as well have fucking handed him your ID. You know what I mean? So, yeah, that guy gets a pass. Absolutely. And then he pulled up and apologized.

By himself? For not being too aggressive enough, which was great. And that man was Albert Einstein. Yeah, yeah. He used to drive. Do you remember we were walking from the mall, the Lloyd Center,

like the three of us, weird. A little more specific, I think. And we were on the sidewalk and that guy on a bike with the bike lane right next to him like rang his bell at us. Yeah.

And we were just like, there's a bike lane right there. Right there. You're like, you're living high on the hog that might have been a pick bikes on the sidewalk? not anymore

I mean would have been a bad pick so yeah that is that is one of my one of my biggest I can't believe I forgot it it didn't happen to me today and the thing is the minor inconvenience

part, it doesn't... It maybe takes three seconds off my day. But it's just the audacity of somebody thinking that they're more important. It's the philosophy behind it. They deserve to be up there. Yeah. Nobody

ever does it. What would someone have to tell you for you to let them? A bunch of stuff. She's having a baby. Like, a bunch. There's tons of stuff. This kid's hurt. You know, he's getting, I need to get stitches.

It's always nicer cars, too. Yeah, that doesn't help. It's usually. I got the only car in L.A. with fucking rust on it, and you're going to cut me off with a Mercedes? Right. I don't need that. Fuck you. The only car in L.A. with rust on it.

People look at it like I can scrape it off. That's a good name for an apple. The only car in L. that la with rust on it people look at it like a good name for now the only car in la with rust on it oh yeah get back on a couple tracks that'll be the autobiography merging light uh it's time for now your fourth pick my fourth pick yeah this is this is real this is real nitpicky and what we're here for barely barely some would say not an inconvenience to me at all uh it's when people eat buffalo wings and leave the sauce all over their face until they're done with the whole until they're done with the whole mofka they're and my friend bless her heart she's amazing emily there's her name she will i know like 30 emily so nobody's getting to and they all are lunatics who just throw buffalo wings at their face yeah she uh is that

oh she will eat emily ratajkowski it's not emily ratajkowski thank god whenever she's over for dinner she wipes the buffalo sauce off her face in between things like she'll just she'll get like 18 and just mad dog him and i'm like how'd get, how's there a sauce on your forehead? It, you know, I've had plenty of buffalo wings. I don't get sauce on my forehead. And Ian's looking right at Shane because Shane has got sauce on his forehead before. I am a messy eater. You are a messy eater.

I can't, I wish I could defend myself, but I'm glad that Sean's pick was about me in some way. If you guys want an example, go fill up a water balloon with like jello and ketchup and throw it into a wood chipper. That's kind of what it looks like. After Emily gets done eating buffalo wings.

I wasn't going to say anything about you. You look amazing. But if you do want sort of experience of what it would be like to eat with Shane, take a bottle of ranch dressing, turn on a leaf blower, and then put Shane's face. Just throw it into a box fan.. Just throw it into a box fan.

Just sling it into a box fan. Get a bunch of hair and hang it behind the fan. One thing I respect about you, Shane. Only one. The one thing. One of the hundreds of things. One time you had lettuce stuck in your hair, which is crazy because that's like a healthy food. Most people don't get healthy food stuck in their hair, and you did.

You have a lot of hair. I bet if I had that much hair, it would also happen to me. But you had lettuce stuck up there? I don't think it would. I guess this is just who I am, and this is what we're going to talk about. I love it. I just thought it was it. No, I've never seen anyone with lettuce.

Now, are people of your age? There's a video of that. Yeah, Zach took the demon, the devil himself took it. I don't like him. You love him, but you don't like him. I get it. We're getting thin on that, too. We're getting thin?

Fight club. One of these days, I'm just going to see you grinding his face into the pavement. I know I am. It's definitely going to happen. It's going to feel so good. It gets so close. It's going to feel so good. I've seen it get close before.

Dude, I saw him wrestle one time, and I'm like, this is it. And I can't get in there. Yeah. Because Zach is actually, you know, he's tough. Well, he's strong. He's not tough. He's strong. He's a show pony and you're a war horse. Yeah.

A war horse. You want the letter? I am Steven Spielberg's war horse. Listen, you want the information to get there? give it to Torres. It'll get there. Yeah, it'll fucking get there. Might have a little guts on it, but it'll get there.

So specifically buffalo wing sauce, when people leave it until... Their philosophy is, why would I touch it up in the middle? I'm just going to get more on my face. Then I'm like, well, I got to sit here and I have to look at you with sauce all over your face. It's gross to me. It's weird that you're not both watching a TV, but I guess if this is sort of a fire like a b-dub yeah um what if you call them out on they're like have you seen an inconvenient truth we need to cut down on how much we use you know if they if they said that yeah then i would say okay well then at least

sit on the same side as me so i don't have to look at you that makes sense and don't yell at me for using napkins like a like a regular person at a wing restaurant yeah that's what i would say wet naps or maybe i'd just pour my beer all over their face like there's no napkin that we have to use i just pour beer all over your face and it's just like not spaghetti well sure yeah if you had spaghetti all over your face it'd be the same thing okay it's not specific to wing sauce if you have spaghetti fucking food all over your face in the middle of your meal and you do you like look at babies that are messy eaters and just yell at them about it. I get upset. It does bug me when I see a baby.

Really? And that I've been a scene. I think it's adorable. I think it's adorable. If it's a cute food. Well, if they have whole strawberries stuck to their face or something. Yeah, or like jam. That's fine.

But if I'm seeing spaghetti on a baby cheek. Or if a baby's eating buffalo wings there are other problems I mean that baby's tight as fuck I'm calling I'm calling

child protective services you're like you need to fucking give this parent an award for treating their baby all day and giving them buffalo wings

and then after they give this baby a parent an award for treating their baby all day after they eat the wing what do they got a couple new toys

throw them to the boneyard. Rattles. All right, Jameson, go play at the boneyard. Daddy's going to go. His name is Jameson. Yeah. Because you're an alcoholic. His kids, Jameson and Ginger.

Daddy's going to drink his middle of the day juice right before he drinks his bedtime juice. Daddy's drinking the stories. Two twin girls. Their names were Brandy and Sherry. Brandy and Sherry? Yeah. And it was because their dad was a boozer. So sad. I'll buy that yeah

yeah a lot of a lot of dads are boozers out there you're drinking sherry you are not slicing bread brandy by the way what kind of fucking like high class 1920s boozer was this dude brandy's high class right i think it was twins and they rhymed i think it was more of it yeah i want to meet some dude that named his daughters ev Williams and Sailor Jerry. These are my daughters, Evan Williams and Sailor Jerry Johnson. Harry, Ricky, and Dennis, or as they're known together, HRD. Hell yeah. My daughter schwitz. Just like one guy's like, this is my son, Glenn Livet.

Hey, nice to meet you, Glenn. No, Glenn Livet. It's Glenn Livet. Yeah. Yeah, wing sauce on the face. I'm pretty sure everybody agrees with me. Some people just kind of stick to that. It's you're not eating wings unless they're all over your goddamn face or something.

No, it bugs me too. Yeah. Which is crazy because you love ICP, so it's not the makeup thing. ICP is more of an experience than anything else. Yeah. And I do like to experience them most nights before bed. Right. I did used to listen to ICP before I went to bed.

That's so weird. What kind of dreams did you have? I had nightmares, dude. You don't have dreams when you're listening to insane clowns tuck you in. What was it? Wacky Circus Gang? The Wacky. What was it? Wacky Circus Gang? The Wacky Circus Gang. The Wacky Circus Gang.

I was in a – I've gotten in a few conversations where people – because I'm like – I will say, and I will say this forever, that yes, it was a great live show, and I think they're hilarious. But if you say that around the wrong person, they're like, fuck yeah, bro. Like I got – and then there's this dude in Denver tattoos and shit. And I was like, all right, I'm in. I'll like, let's take, we're in the car for an hour. Let's take a ride. Yeah. And the other dude in the backseat's like, yeah, man.

I was like, I used to paint my face and shit. And I was like, hell yeah, you did. But that. Apparently Denver is, uh, is like. Big end it. Carnival lands. Yeah. Not that different than south dakota my friend

you get a you get a lot of a lot of juggalos out there and i never painted my face but boy did i have some fago which i saw in the airport the other day you'll see fago in surprising place airport yeah i forget which airport kansas city maybe but yeah it wasn't it wasn't la principle don't go well together i don't like that what'd you say the brinelli principle break down the brineelli principle to me. Actually, you know, for everyone who doesn't know what it means, because I definitely know. I was reading it over Shane's shoulder the other day. He was just reading the definition.

Well, I could explain it if you hadn't interrupted me so much. Go for it, please. I never got to it, because you were reading over my shoulder. So we don't know what it is. Ian, this is on you. I don't even know if I remember if i used the right one i think i used it wrong so yeah wing sauce yeah you were thinking of the fibonacci sequence what's that thing that lets airplanes fly the pythagorean theorem no

the magic bullet theory the bernoulli might be the tension. Abracadabra? Steve Miller band. The Bechdel test. Was it Steve Miller band? The Bechdel test. It is the Steve Miller band. I'm sorry. Iowa Basics? God, what the fuck is it?

Saturday afternoon test. Well, I don't think it's the Bernoulli principle. It's a public service announcement. Did you know that... This is going to be my dumb thing. That's fine. Well, you've never said one. No.

Thank God. I just did, I think. Good. Great. Grand. I've been misquoting the Bernoulli principle. And you've also said it like four different ways. Bernoulli, Bernoulli.

Let's call the whole thing off. I'm just setting that up. I knew the whole time. Pirelli tires. My friends, John and James, little Filipino twins that we grew up with, they used to, they'd just be, they always wanted just dank shit for their cars. They'd be like, dank whip, leather seats, Pirelli. Dank rims. One of them had a fucking picture of a, you know,

like how six-year-olds in Saved by the Bell would have like a Corvette framed above their bed. You know, one of those like, you get it at the fair and little parts of it light up. Who drives a Corvette? Nobody. Well, I saw one today and I was like, what kind of asshole really likes this? Uncle Steve's got one of those Mustangs we were just talking about that, like, that late 90s Mustang. Where you're like, what are you doing, dog?

Yeah. 50 grand? Come on. Get some bank of jeans. Not good. So I think we took the heat off the Brunelli principle. Yeah, thank God, right? And now it's on to your fourth pick.

Yes, which is going to be another one that's going to make me sound like a monster. But I'm fine. I'll air it all out right now. Thinking I have to care about your kids as much as you care about your kids. I have never agreed with you more on anything. I don't give a fuck about kids unless I'm related to them. Even then, sometimes for me. Or a marriage where I like the person.

True. Yep. Obviously, I don't wish ill on kids. I will give them candy at Halloween. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'll do it. I will give them candy at Halloween. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'll do it. I'm not going to shove them into traffic.

Oh, you're a hero. Yeah, I know. He's a medal on Carmel. He didn't throw the kid into traffic. He's not punting them downstairs. He's not a monster. You know what I mean? People fucking act like you're supposed to care about their kids as much as they care about their kids.

Oh, no. I understand. Yeah. And I don't even mean, hey, take a look at a picture of my kid i'll do that i'll indulge you especially that's kind of sweet sometimes right that's very sweet but i just mean like the people got their little kids running around you know what i mean getting their dirty little hands and stuff and they're like running in front of me and i'm like why am i why is this my job all of a sudden to not tram trample your child. You control your child.

This is like, yeah, it's like the baby on board principle. Yes. Right. It is exactly the baby on board thing. Yeah. It's just like. Also, we're at a point where there's 7 billion humans on Earth. We did it. We got it.

We maxed out. This isn't a numbers game where humanity is going to collapse unless we keep reproducing. Yeah, we're not all trying to bring a crop in before. Right. Exactly. It's like, yeah, this winter is not going to wipe us out. The shirt's already too tight. I think we're okay. Right. Exactly.

So, if I were alive in, let's say, you know, 9,000 B.C., maybe I'd be more caring about these kids. But as it is, 2017, in the United States of America, I just don't want to care about your kids that much. You know what's always weird to me?

Yeah, go ahead. When you see you're at a coffee shop or the beach or something, and there's just some loose kids. Yes. And you look around, and you're like, I don't see any adults even looking their direction. Yeah. And they're like, this happened at a coffee shop. Kid will just come up and stare at my table. Yeah.

I'm like, what up, man? I don't know how to talk to kids. I'm like, what up, dog? I'm like, get away. Get away. This is get away. Get get away i know what i look like i know there should be a parent rushing over be like get away from that man you should bring back being mean to kids like i'm serious and then when their parents say something well fuck you too yeah fuck you the most well their parents should be mad at him too remember like an old movie like if a if like a creepy kid walked out or not a creep just a kid walked up to a stranger he'd be like buzz off kid you're bothering me and his dad would be like what

i tell you about walking up to strangers you knucklehead the guy would like throw like a shoe at him or something and then be like yeah yeah that's what we need to bring back we were in the pool at the hotel in Madison, and these kids. We were in the hot tub, which is, I feel like, child-free zone. Adults. And they were just. There were kids just floating around like bummer ice cubes. Adults and chill-ass fat little Jewish kids like I was.

I knew how to handle myself in a hot tub. I'd go in there, I'd ask about 401ks and shit. Go on. You still would have been in bad company in this hot tub. Yeah, yeah, maybe. These kids had limbs everywhere. And they were jumping in and out from pool to hot tub.

And their parents were right there. Just sitting there. The dad was doing this weird aqua chi yoga, pulling his legs up above the back of his shoulder kind of stuff. I bet his name was Elliot. Elliot is working on his ponytail.

It's getting there. It's like just to the point where he can get it, like squeeze it into a ponytail, but you can't see that it's a ponytail so it just looks like old Steven Seagal slicked back, weird, just like guttered. Yeah. Elliot, dude. So they were splashing around in the hot tub. Splashing around. It was.

Diving into it and shit. But the thing is, there's no win for you in that situation as a person who's having to deal with these kids. Right, because we're not allowed to be mean to kids anymore. Yeah. And I can't be like. Just push its head under the water a little bit. Just lean over to Elliot and be like, hey, check your luggage. Hey, boy, what are you doing?

Manage your kids. One of us needs to step up and be the Suge Knight of our group of friends. All right? I've been meaning to bring this up for a while. Well, we know who it is. You don't get to stop doing it now. Yeah, you don't get to know. No. Now that being mean to kids is part of it. Yeah, you gotta take

it. Yeah, it's all part of it. I'm the Suge Knight of our friend group? You think Suge Knight was nice to kids? No way! Yeah, who's gonna be the Suge Knight? He was barking at them. I can't do it. It's him! It is me. If we're being honest, it is. Yeah, Who's going to be the shook man? He was barking at them. I can't do it. It's him. It's Ian. It is me. If we're being honest, it is. Yeah, of course it's him.

If I yell at a kid, I'm going to feel good for four seconds, and then I'm going to be in a shame spiral for a month. Yeah, I'll be fine. Ian's going to look at his Emmy and be fine. I'm just a nomination. I'll look at my Miami Dolphins bucket hat. Which you got because of? An Emmy nomination.

Reached out to Lids on Twitter. And they reached back with two hats. Hey, Lids. Send me a dank TC throwback bucket hat. Twin Cities. They make those? Lids, please. Chase Bank. Just put some more money in my account.

I put that bucket hat on. Because hats don't cost money. I put it on the other day, and I think it was the first time I've ever had a bucket hat on. And right when I put it on, I was like, nah, this can't be me. I can't do a bucket hat at the beach. I could. I think that's a big boy hat. You can do a bucket hat.

You wore one golfing the other day. Me and David Borey, we were going to have a bucket hat summer, but now it's been gone for like three weeks. David and I. Oh. Marley and I? One-upper over there. I think after this we should all give what we think one of David's picks would be. Pet peeves?

After we finish some outlandish shit. So kids. Yeah. Yeah, kids. And you just, so kids. Even with my nieces and nephews, I'm a little bit like you need, to my brother. Oh, yeah. I'm like, this is not my thing.

Not Oscar. To my older sister's credit, her daughter did the thing that, because I'm like six foot three. Yeah. 320. Yeah. I'm a bruiser. You know what I mean? Yep.

You put a refrigerator on wheels. Carved out of a mountain. Carved out of a mountain. You'll get it where it needs to go. I mean, I'm a bruiser. You know what I mean? Yep. You put a refrigerator on wheels. Carved out of a mountain. Carved out of a mountain. You'll get it where it needs to go. I mean, I'm solid. Barn door. I'm repping 225 on that bench right now. You know what I mean?

Multiple times. I might beat both of you up. No. I doubt that. I am also a teddy bear. I am also a teddy bear. Suge Knight had a soft side. He did.

Yeah. And Sean punches harder than neither of us. Huh? And Sean punches harder than neither of us. That's true. We tested that out. That did happen one time. On Zach's face. No. And Sean punches harder than neither of us. Huh? And Sean punches harder than neither of us. That's true. We tested that out. That did happen one time. On Zach's face.

No. Oh, God. I would have, if that was the case. That's how we woke him up. In this particular theater of competition. Should we just go in? Warm mornings. Should we wait for tomorrow's warm morning and just rush into Zach's room and beat the

tar out of him? Yeah. And then that'll be his pet peeve. When we beat the shit out of him. And when you guys leave the room, I will walk out last. When you're a nerd. And I will shut the door. But my niece.

And then I will do that thing that makes me feel like God. To quote Norm MacDonald. Shout out to Norm. She would do that thing where she was like, why are you so fat? And my sister was on her immediately. Just because she's four. And what are you so fat? And my sister was on her immediately. Yeah. Just because she's four.

What are you supposed to do? I did my- And that's important to be like, it's a curious, honest question, but it's also important to like, you can't just be like, why are you fat to people? I was like, no presents for 10 years. And I held to it.

I get her brothers so many times. So 2022, she might get something. My Aunt Lynn, I said one time, I was like, why? I think I aunt lynn i said one time i was like why i think i mentioned like her yellow teeth like i was like why are your teeth yellow and i guess it just fucked her like months damn and my mom really had to sit me down and be like you can't just say things she went to a shane spiral a downward chain spiral. Shane, that game is yours. Listen, if – okay, here's when I'll act like your kids – like I'll care about them the way you do. I'll tell you what. You have a kid.

I care about it the way you do. Yes. Likewise. Everyone in this room. But if you cut me in on that kid's future earnings, fine. Now I'm invested. Yeah, give me some stock. Give me 0.005% of what they make.

I'll teach that kid a thing or two. Here's how you kickflip. Will your kid put me in a home? Yeah, exactly. I don't think it's on the... Because that's what your kid's going to do for you. Yeah. Maybe put you in a home, right?

Wait, I've got to go have some kids. Right? Yeah, dog. I'll be in there earlier than most, I think. Yeah, go have some kids. You can probably pop a couple off. All right. Shane Torres.

It is time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is a serpentine drizzio and even the biggest cranberry has to come to a close cranberries come to closes yeah you eat them okay I just wanted to be sure even the I'll think about it you pick

this is I'm sure an honest mistake most of the time but when you go through the drive-thru and they forget part of your meal. Oh. Or the pizza delivery, anything, like they forget your breadsticks or your soda. You said that you think it's an honest mistake most of the time, which means you think that sometimes there's someone like, listen, fuck this guy.

He doesn't get that bean burrito. That definitely happens every now and then. You think? I think they're just busy and they're like, well, fuck this guy. He doesn't get that bean burrito. That definitely happens every now and then. You think? I think they're just busy and they're like, well, we're not putting it in there because there's six cars behind them and I'm not waiting two minutes for a cheese quesadilla. Yeah. Yeah. I've never, ever thought about somebody not putting it in there on purpose.

I've thought about people spitting on them and shit. Which is why there's a drastic difference between our body types. I also got to shout out Taco Bell because that used to be a big issue there it used to be like they're going to forget one item per order and lately they've been hitting fucking tens out of tens we got like 15 things not too long ago

and there might have been 17 things in there I've gotten some insane amounts of food from there and they nailed it Taco Bell does everything right they didn't though, this is an improvement this is like LeBron adding another element to his game he was already the best player in the NBA They nailed it. Yeah. Taco Bell does everything right. Yeah. They didn't, though. This is an improvement. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? This is like LeBron adding another element to his game.

Which is hard to do. He was already the best player in the NBA. Hard to do. Now he's got, you know what I mean? Uh-huh. Now he's got a Eurostack. Now he's got his own Mountain Dew. Right.

You know? The thing, it's like you're always missing the thing you wanted the most, like you were looking forward to the most. Oh, yeah. Like when you go to Jack in the Box and get egg rolls. Yeah. Yeah. Two tacos for a buck over there. Or just like you get chicken and you're most like when you go to jack in the box get egg rolls yeah yeah two tacos for a buck over just like like you get like chicken and you're like

there's no fucking biscuit in here i get so fucking but you don't go back you can't go back kfc what is that where that's coming from no biscuit where else you getting a biscuit popeyes oh sure sure any place that serves Okay. I don't really fuck with a biscuit. The Popeyes ones are so salty. I know. Right? I love them. Yeah.

I haven't had Popeyes in a minute. I love that chicken at Popeyes. Yeah. Very salty. Yeah. It's the fuck. It is oftentimes. It'll be like a quirky thing.

Because you're excited for something and you're being let down. Yeah. I mean, we're at fast food, so already we're like a little let down. We're like, something's going wrong. So I need all the food. Yeah, but that's all I have. I need all the're at fast food, so already we're like a little let down. We're like, something's going wrong. So I need all the food. I need all the food to make me feel better. If a doctor heard this pic, he might say, first of all, don't. Lucky you.

Lucky you. First of all, don't go to fast food. Which one of us has health insurance in the room? But also, what do you mean? You're getting enough items at a fast food place that they can forget something, but you still get a bag full of food that you didn't notice? This isn't, again, this is a YP. There were some other people there.

It's a UP. It's an us problem. Yes, definitely. I got that problem. Where we order so much at Taco Bell that the bag can have so much in it that we don't even notice. Have you ever gone to, like, you know, this, again, UP, an us problem, where you go, this just happened the other day. Another peninsula problem.

I got, like, three things, and Sharpie's like, oh, you're only getting three things? And I'm like, that's just happened the other day I got like three things and Sharpie's like oh you're only getting three things and I'm like that's a lot of things that I'm getting three things at Taco Bell there's still three pounds of food probably what is the most items like number of items you've gotten at Taco Bell for personally probably like

seven seven? probably I don't know if I ate them all, though. Because sometimes I'll just get stuff. I'm a hard four. Are you really? Cabinet four. Well, yeah, but you'll get like.

Big items. Big tickets. Yeah, you'll get like. We're talking three, four dollar items. Well, we're talking like a cheese quesadilla, Crunchwrap Supreme, a burrito. This isn't the podcast. No, it's like one of those big burritos, though. Like a bean burrito with no onions? What are you doing? Girl stuff burrito? This isn't the podcast. No, it's like one of those big burritos, though. Like a bean burrito with no onions?

What are you doing? Grilled stuffed burrito. So, yeah. So, if I'm getting three cheese roll-ups from the dollar menu. That's not a thing. That's one thing. Three cheese roll-ups is one thing. And that's why we compliment each other so well that's one thing

i thought you're wild and i'll get like fucking seven xl grilled burritos yeah hey dude um i'm not trying to see tomorrow so just hook me up with the amount of stuffed xl grilled burritos you think is gonna make that happen nick nampe not on mic not in the studio, in Hawaii, and I were in Las Vegas, and on the strip they have a Taco Bell that sells alcohol. There's one in Chicago, too. I think the orca may have broken the surface of the water and crested above four items on that one. Just cracked. Whoa, you can see the tail this time. It jumped out of the water.

I woke up more hungover from the food than the alcohol, if that gives you any insight. That's such a bummer when that happens. That's how old we are now. Yeah, I know. Doesn't that seem like a scary, that could be like a weird drink phase, like a fad that comes out as a Taco Bell that serves Coronas, and also you mix it with the Mountain Dew from the fountain, and then that seems like something trashy people are going to get into.

Well, don't they put your tequila in, like, or do they have their own margarita kind of mix they make? I thought they just put it in the Baja Blast. I don't remember. You don't remember? I wouldn't expect. After what you just told me, I wouldn't expect you to have deets on that. I feel like somebody was barfing in there.

Like, legit. That's so buck, dude. All right. Late night. I ordered food. Taco Bizzle, where there's already barfing in there. Like legit. That's so buck, dude. All right. Late night. And we still ordered food. Taco Bizzle, where there's already fucked up people in it. Let's throw liquor on there. Let's throw.

Let's try to not have any fights, though. I want a line. Let's throw July in Las Vegas on there. Put some Summer League in there. There's a Taco Bell in Minneapolis that has no drive-thru, but they're open 24 hours. You ain't catching me in there. Maybe at like 11 in the morning. Maybe.

I don't know if that's better. Well, I'm not saying 11 p.m., 11 in the morning, you know? I know. I understand the difference between a.m. is early, p.m. is late. A.m. A.m. Early morning. P.m.

Past morning. And the morning. And the morning past morning. For.M. Past morning. And the morning. And the morning. Past morning. Forgotten food items. And what is your fifth pick? Last pick. Fifth pick.

Final. Because even the biggest cranberry must come to a close. Comes to a close. I fixed it. I'm going to say, someone telling you how to do something when you're doing it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, if you're like, say you're fixing a cabinet door and they're like, hey when you're doing it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, if you're, like, say you're fixing a cabinet door, and they're like, hey, you're

not screwing it in right, and they're just describing your labor inaccurately. Yeah. Like, your shortcomings while they contribute nothing. They're like a human YouTube comment section. That's when that screwdriver turns into a fucking neck shank. Am I doing this right? I can't, like, I have to, whatever whatever i'm doing i have to put it down and walk away that's the most like infuriating fucking thing i'll lose my mind just like i remember i was

like um that's what happened a lot when i attended bar people would tell me how to make oh god tails it's like that's a shitty person yeah it's like do's like, do it my way, and it's going to be the best thing you've ever had. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't. That seems folksy, though, a little bit. They were doing it like, do it my way, and it's the best way you'll ever have it. Yeah. But that person's never right.

No. Because that's an objective. Like, it's completely. What color is the drink? And then I'll fucking play jazz. And I'll make. It'll be red when it gets in your hands. That's what I used to say.

Light blue every time. Yeah. What color is your fucking Hulk Hogan it's green well then you're gonna have something green also a Hulk Hogan

is not a cocktail that is something trash an Incredible Hulk is hypnotic and Hennessy is it I think so

hypnotic and Hennessy yeah what Incredible Hulk I'm not ever trying to have that night yeah we'll have one of those of course we'll have one of those nights

eventually. Let's do it for the special. Where do we even make Incredible Hawks? Well, we go to the store, get some Hypno and some Henny. We're making homemade Incredible Hawks? You don't take Incredible Hulk out to the bar. You have to order it at the bar, right? You can't make that drink

at home and then sleep in that house. You can't sleep in a house where they've made Incredible Hawksks we'll do it at malloy's not a friend of the podcast have an incredible hulk night jump off that balcony that i want to jump off and then you know what walk down sunset naked malloy's got a balcony i want to jump off into the pool oh i see yeah yeah but yeah when people explain to you how to do things that you're currently doing it was never it never, usually they were wrong. Like, and they're always, like, trying to solve a problem you're already, you're addressing. Like, our beer taps would get really hot in this bar I worked at, so they would foam a lot.

So you would just be, like, letting foam out of the tap so you wouldn't tilt the glass. And they'd be like, it's foaming because you're not tilting your glass. It's like, I know how to pour a beer. Yeah. because you're not tilting your glass. It's like, I know how to pour a beer. Change in attire has always been one if there's other people around that everybody kind of wants to weigh in. It's a pretty easy thing to do. It is.

People want to weigh in. Also, looks should go. Looks good in front of a lady. Yes, it does. Yeah. Yes, it does. Yeah. I had to YouTube it last time I did.

The last time I laid with an ex-girlfriend. Which one? No. Was the night of me changing a tire. Very impressive. Then it turned into a cold war. Everybody died for no reason.

Same thing. We were drinking and shouldn't have been driving, but we were. Drove over the Hawthorne Bridge. She got a flat. Oh, the side of it, into the river? Yeah. Changed her tire. Yeah.

I fashioned a buoy out of her Honda Accord. Same buoy. Portland Gray, same buoy. Buoy Jackson. And we pulled over into the Oregon Ballet Theater Company parking lot, fixed that tire. Nice results. In the car?

Right there in the parking lot? We got home, but it was... Oh, you made it sound like you guys... Oh, I didn't mean to imply that. And then later... Yeah. And later, after you drove home. And then later, plain old bedroom sex results.

Oh! So it was also my home. Or was it her place? Was this when we lived together? Yes, it was. Gross. You never had sex in our apartment, right? I'm joking.

I had sex in the super bed. No, you did not. Y'all, I had a super bed, though. That's a good time to bring that up. Two full-size mattresses next to each other. That's a good time to bring that up. Yeah, do you remember? Two full-size mattresses next to each other. That whole room was a bed. Fucking awesome.

It was. The whole bucket. There was like a walkway. It was like one of those tanks or something where there's like a walkway. That was around the bed, but the whole rest of the room was a bed. It was a DIY shack bed. So damn. Second super bed of my life, by the way.

The first one I made freshman year of college when my roommate dropped out and I just put both mattresses on the floor and made a fucking super bed. Really? Yeah. You never told me that. It's so tight. That is sick. Someone telling you to do something while you're doing it, I hate that too, which made

playing football difficult. Specifically. Carmel, god damn it. And this might even be. you're doing it I hate that too which made playing football jump over that guy's head and tackle him I can't a giant Jewish child is mostly torso and it's but this might even be a different complaint but I'm going to add it on to yours anyway we're just like the thing that would bug me the most would be people rooting me on during wind sprints. Because obviously I was the slowest. That is not the same thing. It's a little bit because they're like, it's up there. You know what you're doing.

You got to keep running. I'm like, I know. I fucking got it. What am I going to be like? Oh, Cody believes in me. Oh, thanks, Cody. Now I'm going to finish the win faster. This is the only time you haven't wanted people cheering for you that I've ever had.

You love the limelight so much. I do love the limelight. Oh, thanks, Cody. You just run over and give him 20 bucks afterwards. Thanks, Cody. Come on, Sevens. Come on, Sevens. Hearing you shout out really put some wind in my sails to finish that last 240-yard dash.

Look at me. Look at me right now. How's your parents' divorce going? I went as fast as I could fucking go, Cody. Dig, Carmel. Dig. Oh, my God. It would.

The coaches sometimes, too. I remember specifically in my head, this whole podcast is going to make me sound like a psycho. But one of my coaches being like, on car maybe somebody will finally understand your brilliance yeah come on carmel you got it and like not even under my breath i was like fuck you shut the fuck up high school kid but i was so upset i was like let me do my shamefully slow run like it's also like you knew this was part of the package when i got here like oh you wanted But I was so upset. I was like, let me do my shamefully slow run. It's also like you knew this was part of the package when I got here. Yes.

Like, oh, you wanted me to be the big guy who clubs people down. But I also have to run a four flat. Right. Yeah. Sorry. I'm not on Deanna Ball, you prick. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. Have you ever sworn in an adult in such a way where they were like, all right, I'm going to let that ride.

I've done it a couple of times where the adult was like, I can tell what you're going through. I did a flip over my bike one time on X. I was super drunk driving home at like five in the morning. Superman over the bike and separated my shoulder. And this cop rolls up and he's like, what's going on here? I was like, you need to get the fuck out of here right now. And he looked at me. He's like, a cop? A cop. And he's like what's going on here i was like you need to get the fuck out of here right now and he looked at me he's like a cop okay a cop whoa and he was like okay and he just walked away because he could tell i was sitting there like separated shoulder and i was very

aware of what was going on but he just turned around and left so it was pretty tight wow just having that where you're like damn look at that adult treating me like an adult who doesn't want their help what the rest of the story people don't know, that cop was Christopher Dorner. I don't know who that is. He was that rogue police officer with that manifesto who like they killed somebody and then went up in a Big Bear and they had to go find him. You know what? I will get the fuck out of here. I'll drive over to Big Bear from South Dakota.

Well, yeah. I guess I'm no longer needed in any situation. Well, fuck me then. I guess nobody wants my help I'm gonna cause a problem it's just gonna help the drunk kid with a separated shoulder I might start a California forest fire so yeah someone telling you how to do something when you're already doing it

fantastic pick it's time for my final pick it is time for your final pick man Efesto I got two that are gonna make me sound like a psycho a psycho please sound crazy with yours okay i was gonna do one that was just gonna be picking on shane but i'm not gonna do it oh good here's the one i'm not gonna do you know you still

kind of do it when you say things just so you Just so you know. I'm a person, and I have feelings, god damn it. No, because this is an act of terrorism on your behalf. Don't point at me. That's also on my list. You're on my list. Believable lies. Oh, god damn, dude. I might even just take it.

In fact, I will. I'm going to take believable lies. There we go. Shane told us he was a fucking Golden Gloves boxer for so long. Yes. And you guys, I'm sure you all know who Shane is because he's blowing up so hard right now. September 2nd. He looks like he could be a Golden Gloves boxer.

It's not beyond the pale that at the age of 12 or whatever, you were a Golden Gloves boxer. Shane, I'm going to ask you a question. I want an honest answer. Were you ever a Golden Gloves boxer? I was a boxer. So no. I don't even know if that's true. That's a long way to say no.

I don't even know if that's true. I don't either. It's probably not. It's probably not. You're the king of these believable laws. You guys know my baby brother? Ask him. Well, I'm going to ask him right now here on the podcast?

We want the listeners to know. I mean, you can bring this back. It'll be a nice little continuation. So you were a boxer. I can see being a boxer. I could too. I think he punched the bag off the hook. I heard he beat the shit out of Shane a couple times.

Yeah. Yeah, he did. That is true. Good and hard. What are some of the other believable Shane Torres lies? What did you tell Phoebe, our friend Phoebe, that you were a theoretical physicist? I made a shit like that She asked

She was like We were talking about She was like Where did you go to school And I was like Princeton And she was like What

And I was like Because the trick is To like Pretend to be offended Yeah Like What do you mean what Yeah

Yeah I went to Princeton She's like No you seem smart And I was like Yeah I am smart Yeah Did you guys

Take advantage of that Poor sweet Gullible Jewish girl Now I'm sure you two And then she was like What did you guys take advantage of that poor sweet gullible Jewish girl now I'm sure you two and then she was like what did you study I was like

applied mathematics and theorem that's what it was and she was like what do you do with that and then I just said well I made up this

I was just like well okay so I worked for a structural engineering company at one point this is one of the jobs I had and they were working

on a dam and the cement was dissolving. But they couldn't stop the water from rushing through. They had to still allow it. It liquefied. Yeah.

So they had to basically apply a formula I created to figure out how much pressure we needed to apply new liquid concrete. Prick. I believe it. I'm looking at you

and I'm like, this is so believable. I'm getting captivated. People listening right now are all going to be like, yo, that actually sounds pretty dope. I fuck with Shane. Right? I get it. I'm looking at you and I'm like, this is so believable. People listening right now are all going to be like, yo, that actually sounds pretty dope. I fuck with Shane, right? I get that. I get that.

Until it happens to you. How about that? Until it happens to you. Maybe we'll get a couple of Shaniacs speaking out for him. Now, we played, when I worked at HSBC, we played Two Truths and a Lie. Yeah. And it's always been my favorite thing to do

because I've been doing stand up for so long that you can sell the lie you don't crack or anything so I said that I at one point had the world record in Dr. Mario I am a second degree black belt in Taekwondo and I'm a blood relative of Joe Montana I'm cracking right now blood relative of Joe Montana

so many people so many people you could have said so many people. So many people. Yeah, you could have said that. Why blood? So many people. It's not a perfect detail. You're not applying for some Native American scholarship.

Blood relative is the perfect detail. I don't know if you thought Joe Montana's blood is going to give you a Native American I'm one-eighth mighty Choctaw Indian. So many people picked that I had never had the world record in Dr. Mario. And I'm like, you guys all thought I was a blood relative. Joe Montana. Did you have the world record in Dr. Mario, and I'm like, you guys all thought I was a blood relative of Joe Montana? Did you have the world record in Dr. Mario? I had it at one point, yes.

Was it in the Guinness Book of World Records? No, it was on Twin Galaxies? Is that the name of the website? Oh, yeah. Oh, it checks out. It checks out. If you've ever watched King of Kong, so I had to email this dude and ask him

how to get it up there, and it was back you had to have, it was back in VHS. So you couldn't have more than a 10 second break in an uncut, whatever the, was it slow play? Where there was like the, the Buckus version of VHS. I don't, oh, I don't know. But Ian's about to be like, I don't play Dr. Mario. Dr. Mario specific questions. No, I had to sit there for like five hours and play Dr. Mario beat this record basically, but it was dang. I don't think I knew that.

Never was a blood relative of Joe Montana. I'll tell you that. You never will be either. I might be. You can't be a blood relative. Okay. What if? Okay. Is this a Dr. Mario joke or is this a blood relative? He shrinks himself down to maybe the size of a Dr. Mario.

Okay. And is swallowed by Joe Montana's wife and works his way through her system sort of, you know, like Magic School Bus style. Yeah. Okay. And then, and I don't mean to be crass, but comes out of her vagina. Sure. That's not crass. And then goes back to normal size. Isn't comes out of her vagina. Sure. That's not crass. It's a natural.

And then goes back to normal size. Isn't he kind of now blood related to Joe Montana? I think so. I think any scientist would. Joe Montana and I are going to fight over his life. As you know, I'm kind of a scientist. You're a mathematician. Yeah, really.

Give me the crunch the numbers on that dickhead. You liar. Believable. There's other ones you've done. What are some of the other ones? I don't know, man. That's why I say them. I want to talk all damn day. Why What are some of the other ones? I don't know man That's why I say them I want to talk all damn day

Why do I have to remember them? Because I didn't know It was like I mean You say I do other ones But I don't know if I did You definitely have There's been a couple

You do them constantly And it's I'll tweet them I'll tweet them I don't know what you're talking about That's one right there That's a believable lie That you're telling us right now

That you don't know What we're talking about Yeah because maybe If you guys weren't so God damn mean to me When I'm not on this podcast, these people might believe you. Shane, I need a little psychology. When am I mean to you? I got my undergrad in psych at UCLA.

When am I mean to you? I'm going to put a snake in your pillow tonight, you little bitch. No pillow, dude. You sleep on the snake. Was that recorded? Oh, shit. I thought we were off air I'm sorry I love you Shane no no

no no it's fine no no I love you that was just a joke don't you fucking look at that fucking snake I'm gonna kill those dead eyes one time the smoke alarm

when Shane was staying over one time he was sleeping in the workout room and the smoke alarm was beeping which was right above his head

so I had to take like a like a stick and lean above him while he was sleeping and try to hit this button. And he woke up and he looks up at me holding a stick and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, I knew you were going to wake up

when I was doing this. I just, I had to shut the smoke alarm off. I'll tell you this. I didn't hear a smoke alarm. And I didn't have pants on, but that's neither here nor there. My friend Andy, I was asleep at his apartment. I passed out, and he was, like, drunk, and he walked over me with nothing but a towel.

Oh, no. And I just caught all of it. Did you look up and give him the dim mark? I was like, Jesus. He was like, oh, calm the fuck down. Ain't nothing you haven't seen. Yeah. Fuck down, Torres.

I don't know if I need, calm the fuck down. Ain't nothing you haven't seen. Yeah. Look down, Torres. I don't know if I need to see the gooch. Sean Jordan, it is time for your final pick. The final pick of the draft. The entire draft. The final pick of the entire draft. Now, I just want to go through and make sure that this is what I want. Because this is a.

Your list is like 70 pages long. This is all for me, though. This last pick is going to be all for me. This last pick is going to be... It's going to be when Alex Trebek makes jokes on Jeopardy. That is one of my... That's funny. That is for me. But it is one of my biggest pet peeves in the whole world because more often than not,

they will end the episode of Jeopardy and there's like five clues left because Alex had to make like three shitty fucking jokes. Yes. They never hit. He always seems like he's being mean to the people who are terrified because they haven't been on TV 10,000 times. They're scared. They're introverts.

So don't make weird jokes at their expense, Trebek. And then we don't even get to see all the clues. Oh, sorry. Speak on it. Yeah, dude. This isn't even funny anymore. Sorry. I'll sit down when I fucking want to sit down.

Oh. Just gets on my nerves. Oh, no. They do seem cutting. Some of the times he just makes mean, sarcastic remarks to people. Pablo Picasso is what we were looking for. Picasso. Picasso.

You didn't know. You wrote down the wrong word. You wrote Michelangelo. You know what I'd like to see? Trebek play Jeopardy. How do you think he'd do? I would love to see it. How come that never happens?

Because who's going to play him? Bring back Ken Jennings. I'll do it. Ken Jennings and the robot and Trebek? That would be... I met Ken Jennings I'll do it Ken Jennings and the robot And Trebek I met Ken Jennings Word So you're thinking

Trebek is really good at Jeopardy Why from just reading all these questions He has to be well read He never stutters to his credit He gets through all the clues. And he knows the in and outs. The press probably thinks he just knows. Television, the press is called editing.

They do. They can do multiple takes. Were you an editor for the Tonys? No, I wrote on it, though, for which I was rewarded with a nomination for an Emmy Award. 2016. I would love to see you play Alex Trebek in Jeopardy. I don't know if I'd win. I would be seething at him the whole time.

I'm putting myself at a replacement level player. League average. We play Jeopardy quite a bit together. I see you get the answers. I get it. I smell what you're stepping in. I hear you clucking big chicken. I think it'd be great.

Do you guys know Raj Sivarani? He's a comic. No. He lives in New York. He's a funny guy. He was on Jeopardy. It's cool. And he was crushing it, and then he just lost his bank.

I think it was on Double Jeopardy. Tell you what, you get one line. It just takes one line where you think you know him. You can get fat off one of the – or you can get skinny off one, too. Or, yeah, I mean, it can go both ways. Jeopardy is my favorite game show. It has been for years. I, yeah, I mean, it can go both ways. Jeopardy is my favorite game show, has been for years. I just, his fucking jokes, man.

But speaking of him being a dick, Alex, Raj, he went to, like, Oxford or somewhere, like, some really great school. And he told a story about how he asked Kate Middleton out. And she said no. And then Alex was just like, well, you know, she's doing pretty good. Or something, like like kind of shitty. He's, yeah, he's not the kind of guy who can pull those remarks off. No. Is what I think.

Some people can. Some people have a fun loving way of digging on other people a little bit. Alex does not. No. I'd like to meet two of those people. Really just bites me when I don't get to see all the clues. That's what really where I'm like, motherfucker. Then on top of it, he's Canadian.

He's coming down here to America. Looking right at you, Marissa. She was looking at my list earlier, and she's like, some of these are so specific. I'm like, is that the one? There's the final pick. It's been specific. I want to hear them.

I can't wait. Well, first, some of the ones we left on the board. The one I was going to take, but I wanted to tell those fun Shane want to i can't wait well first some of the ones we left on the board the one i was going to take but i wanted to tell those fun chain stories and it turns out i remembered one of them i want to take whispering when people are talking quietly like in another part of the room and i can just hear the i would much rather than just be shouting at each other people it's just so annoying to me it's just like like doesn't need to be physically yeah i mean it happens like when in clubs when they're trying to be quiet and you're like fuck it just i mean whatever if you're gonna do it do it uh when i'm

in the middle when i'm gonna where there's no crosswalk and a driver stops to wave me across oh yeah i hate it it's clearly time to figure it out double dutch in the street I'll figure it out. I hate when people say croissant. Oh, croissant? Yeah. Or la croix? Yeah, I just... Just like when... It's a croissant. Here it's a croissant. I get it. And I know technically they're right to call it a croissant, but like

a foyer. What do you call it? You're like, you're not... Oh, you mean like when some white dude from Kenosha goes to a Thai food restaurant and like way over pronounces it and shit, you know? Yeah, you're like, you're not. Oh, you mean like when some white dude from Kenosha goes to a Thai food restaurant and like way over pronounces it and shit, you know? Yeah. He's like, can I get the cow, monk? Yeah.

Like he'll use weird parts of his throat he doesn't use in any other part of the language. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, like authentically saying like, maybe some marinara. Like you're just. Marinara. Yeah. Here's one I had.

Being taken on a hike that the other person knows you don't have the skill for. That's happened to me quite a few times where they take me on a big long hike and I'm like, I don't, you know that I don't want to be on this long on a hike that the other person knows you don't have the skill for that's happened to me quite a few times where they take a big long hike and i'm like i don't you know that i don't want to be on this long of a hike i meant like a walk yeah yeah standing in doorways loud swallowing i almost got a shouting match with somebody at lax because they were standing in a doorway didn't you pull up to pick me up yeah you were freaking out yeah that's happened a couple times at lax where you get in here like i'm furious at the end of a long travel day that's like but whose face would i rather see you at the end of that you know what i mean get some coffee my mom says the phrase would you ever the first time she asked me to do something oh yeah that i feel like that's an irish or a

it's an irish thing would you ever go grab me a croissant from the foyer? Would you ever? If I were to ask you, if I were not Katie Fitzgibbons. Saint. There you go. Would I? Would you get me a croissant from the foyer? Everything you said made me so mad. Everything you just said made me so mad. Shane started blinking all fast.

Shane stopped breathing. My wires got crossed. I smell smoke. Shane Torres, you started us off with oh my god guy reading over your shoulder being interrupted forgotten fast food items and then someone telling you how to do something when you're doing it i went second and i picked perpetrating aka where nike and adidas at the same time cross-dressing uh and then people bringing their dogs on airplanes, motorcycles, kids, and believable lies. God, we sound like pricks, dude.

And I'm not even going to qualify the kids or the motorcycles one. Fuck them both. No, kids are whatever. Sean Jordan, then you went directions that you can look up doing, hey, watch this while you're paying attention to a movie. Merging late, which to me is the goat in this draft.

And you got it in the third round. Man. The Buffalo Sauce Goatee. And then Alex Trebek making jokes on Jeopardy. Yeah. This might be a Sean Jordan win. I hope so, dude. I'm going to vote for you.

I can use a W. Minor ones everybody has, I think. Yep. Amazing. Amazing. I'm going to vote for you. I can use a W. Minor ones, everybody has, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Amazing. Amazing. I think we should each say, just to remind people who we actually are, which are people who celebrate life, which is really what this podcast is about, let's each say one thing we like.

Shane? You want me to go first? Oh. It's going to take you a while. Yeah, I can go first. Okay. I like the day that we had yesterday, our Sunday. We had a killer Sunday.

I like a good, solid Sunday. We watched Ballers, dude, on HBO. We just had a dope Sunday. We woke up. We got some coffee. Walked around. Are you talking about our Saturday? Oh, wait.

Am I talking about our Saturday? Are you talking about our Saturday? Sunday was dank, too. Sunday was, yeah. Saturday, our Saturday. We got up, got some coffee, walked Saturday? Oh, wait. Am I talking about our Saturday? We're talking about our Saturday. Sunday was dank, too. Sunday was, yeah. Saturday, our Saturday. We got up, got some coffee, walked down Sunset, chilled, ended up just going back to the crib and chilling. Ian went to a party.

I went and did a show. It was just a good-ass day. Just a good day with good friends, good people, having good days. Closed it off with some Hot Pockets. Yeah, we did. That's right. I wasn't that drunk. I was drunk enough to want a Hot Pocket, but not so drunk that I didn't remember.

That was my third Hot Pocket, so I was on number three. What makes you happy? What makes me really happy? What makes you really happy? That's a good question. Croissants, for one. I got a long drive by myself. Oh, I love that.

My music, just nobody bothering me. It's great. No traffic. None of this traffic going in there? Yeah. That is fantastic. Yeah, it's bothering me. Yeah. Sure. It's great. None of this traffic. None of this traffic going in there? That is fantastic. Yeah, it's one of my favorites. I love finding a new song that you know you're going to be fucking with for like maybe ever. Yeah.

But maybe like even just the next three months where you're like, ooh, I'm going to listen to this a lot. This is going to get me hyped. Yeah, I love that feeling. That's really good. Hell yeah. So there it is. The Pet Peeves All Fantasy Everything. I thought we were going to keep it at a really good one. Hell yeah. So there it is. The pet peeves, all fantasy, everything. I thought we were going to keep it at three

people and go short this week. I did too. Turns out we're some fucking Jabba Jaws up in here. Just a couple of chatty cats. Yeah. That's been the episode. Make sure you tune in again next week for another brand new episode. Do you guys want to know who the one up guy is? Do you just interrupt me at the fucking end?

Do you just interrupt me? He's doing the ultimate one up guy is? You just interrupt me at the fucking end? You just interrupt me. He's doing the ultimate one-up. Oh, you're going to tell us who the one-up guy is? I'm just kidding. It was a lie. You don't. Don't you do that on my goddamn podcast. Somebody just listened for two plus hours.

Say their name. Fawn Sheik oh sure oh Sean Fleek give a fuck okay I said it then yeah sure Sean Fleek's the one up guy

I don't remember that about him I thought he was a really great dude no I'm just joking I don't okay tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything

shh shaklakity a brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sh-sh-sh-clackity. that was a hate gun podcast