All Fantasy Everything - Pizza Toppings (w/ Karl Hess, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

Get that ass some dough, cheese and a nice base sauce and let the GVG do the rest! We’re FINALLY drafting pizza toppings! Lending his humor and culinary prowess is none other than comedian and food luminary, Karl Hess! Preheat those headphones and let us bake your ears to crispy perfection!  Guest:    Karl Hess @karlhess IG: @karlhess Podcast: Yelling About Pâté Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @marsmel IG: @mars.melSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting pizza toppings. Joining us today is comedian and foodie, Carl Hess. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and as always, I'm joined by my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it.

Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that got kicked out of Faded last night. Sorry to whoever... Right? Tell the story. Oh, let me just open... So, let me just... Whoever got kicked out... First of all, howdy.

First of all, howdy-dee. Good bit. Howdy. Good bit. Howdy. So, I did Faded last night. I talked about it on this show earlier. I said I was doing it.

Lots of all Fantasy Everything family members came out to the show. It was wonderful. It was so wonderful to meet all of you, to see some of you again. And then one person, I think, hopefully you're listening right now. Because I want to tell you, I understand. I understand where you were that. I think you had had too much to drink. I have been that guy.

I think you had much to drink. Mike Malloy comes in hot. Mike Malloy interrupts his, he's hosting the show. He interrupts his own opening set well i think he starts his own show this guy the smoke show mike mike malloy came in at 10 so this guy was like he was not heckling he was doing the vocally responding to people's sets which is also annoying but it is not heckling yeah yeah this is the kind of thing where it's like you tell a joke and then someone's like that's true that's true like that kind of thing he just happened to be in

the very front row of this show i don't know that that's that's tough he was in the front row it's impossible it's you know come on you can't focus you can't focus and uh you just can't do your set carl you can talk anytime by the way oh yeah yeah i mean i i think malloy's looking for a reason at all times so that's a fact that is the he says himself he's horny for the violence yeah exactly that is the other main factor this is this guy like if we were at a comedy club and he was in the back row we never would have i don't think we ever would have found out about it was that kind of thing of thing. But Mike Malloy was relishing every opportunity he had to tell this guy to shut the fuck up.

And some of the comedians were too. Again, he was just too drunk, and I don't think understood the volume of his own voice. It happens. Yeah, yeah. Malloy does kind of send mixed messages. The show's called Faded. He's giving out shots,

but if you push it a little too far, he's bringing the hammer down. He's bringing the hammer down he's bringing the hammer down he's got the but he's got the fucking jack daniels in one hand and the hammer in the other and he's equally ready to use either finesse game and i feel i also feel like i have to say because i mean we've been doing this podcast for what five years now maybe a while yeah and like 20 we've talked we've told a lot of stories about getting incredibly hammered and having ourselves evenings and all that kind of thing and i you don't i'm saying this to us to

myself less than the two of you or the three of you carl but like you for our shows you don't have to get fucked up no we don't know. I've had to learn that lesson myself. We always tell ourselves like, all right, we're going to chill out this time. I mean, it's always on the table when we all want to do it. And I honestly think the next tour, I think is going to be mellow.

I think. Your fans are just trying to party like the boys. I think they are. They're just trying to fucking get in there like the fellas. I think that's exactly what's happening. I get it. If only they know that the boys

was in bed at 1130 last night talking to sean eating chicken tenders completely sober in bed yeah that's how the boys get that's how the boys are getting down that's the type of partying it is indeed it was a sacred party i threw on gangs in new york great movie i was out with i'm out with kyle right now and i was telling him last night in the green room i was like we walked in the roost one time and I was just screaming. And Ian, you, you put your hand on my shoulder and you were like,

those guys over there aren't thrilled about your, your level of volume. And I gotta be honest. I'm not either. I was like, I was like, Oh, totally.

That's a good friend. That's a good friend. That's exactly what Kyle, that's exact words. Kyle's like, that's a good friend. Like, yeah,

I've, and I've been that guy. I've been you. We all have. Yeah, we've all been each other. We've all been each other. I think we've all been to the roost is what you're saying. That's exactly right.

And so I would like to conclude the message. If you're listening, and I hope you are. I don't know or care what Mike Malloy thinks about you. He's going to form his own opinion. We still love you. It's all good. We've all been there. I hope you don't feel too thinks about you. He's going to form his own opinion. We still love you. We've all been there. I hope you don't feel too bad about yourself.

Cause I told, I we've all gotten a little bit over our skis before and didn't have anyone to reel us in. So I hope you're not feeling bad, but next time, if you're going to get that plastered, bring a friend, you know,

or just don't get that plastered. You don't have to get that drunk to come fuck with us. We're happy. We're happy to see you. No, I say keep drinking. Don't let anyone tell you when to stop and push it to the fucking limit. Two, we covered the spectrum of opinions here on All Fans Am.

Can I also say, though, to the guy in Kansas City in the front row seat of my show, by himself, wasted, making fart noises, go fuck yourself. No way. I hope you get hit by a car. He going like it was so fucking weird kind of funny it was not and then i looked at him and he like had that look like on his face like a little kid where he's like and he did it again that's when you need malloy you're like god where is street justice malloy right now yeah this bounce this guy he was huge too he looked like a fucking oil rigger or something wait was he doing so he was going like it was more trumpety than

that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then i was like and i even said i was i had some funny riffs but then like seven or eight times you're like i don't even know what you're just farting. Yeah, dude, we were in we were in Vancouver at for the show the other day, Vancouver, Canada. Someone got kicked out. And I it is it's true. They are the most polite people in the world. I didn't believe I was like, maybe I didn't notice the last few times I've been there. But this guy got booted. And then I go out in the lobby to get a drink. And I see him talking to the security guard.

A booted. He got a booted. But he's talking to the security guard. And the guard was like, yeah, buddy, you're just being a little rough, buddy. And the guy goes, ah, where should I go around here? What's going on? What's a good place? And they started talking about bars to go to.

Really? And the security guard was like, yeah, go down the street, man. It's great. I'm not kidding. They were saying, buddy, I tried tried i accidentally walked away from my tab and the the bartender he goes buddy buddy are you serious it was so dope so i understand why marissa wants to go back why she's leaving us i get it mark it's rad it was it was so fun i had not i just so many buddies i never heard people say buddy that much i love it the other the other thing i want to say is shout out to mike mulloy oh yeah

yeah who walks the talk and listen a lot of times comedy places will just let that shit fly that's true oh yeah and i'd like to shout out his comedic timing at disrupting it during my dumbest joke it was so funny to listen in a nutshell the bit is somebody there had to be a first person that said howdy well do you want it leaked is it done yet it's still in the oven but like you know what if you want to if you want to lean in taste the batter that's what it is the first person to say howdy well you'll see it on my special i'm also i'm also i also made a goal last night which is to do an entire late night set about apples and i think i'm going to be able to pull it off pulling the old henny youngman yeah i've been pulling the old henny youngman for about 13 years now yeah me too i'm trying to

slow down i know it relieves stress. Is that masturbating? Pulling the old hand. I call it pulling a Benny Goodman. Give him the old ham and eggs, dude. Blue plate special. Saying hi to Fatty Arbuckle. Who's the guy with the legendarily big penis? Milton Berle.

Berle in the milk. Berle in the milk, dude. Also, Huey Lewis is supposed to have a pretty smoking hog. Oh, yeah, the news. That's the news. And Sinatra, apparently, that was a thing. Really? Really?

That's what I heard. You never know. Lord, the Lord. Massive crank on Sinatra, apparently. I wish we knew about famous people who had huge pussies. Yeah. I know. We don't.

Like old Thatcher, old Margaret Thatcher. Cavernous. You never would have guessed it. Yeah, she could have swallowed a watermelon in that thing. I want to know about that. I told her my ear had a huge vagina, dude. Echoes. Yeah.

You hear about Betty Davis eyes, but it really is those Betty Davis thighs. Dude, that's cool. You ain't telling no Betty Davis lies. I know that. Sean Jordan is here on tour. Yeah, man. In a very hipstery looking hotel. Are those like leather luggage straps on the bed behind you?

What's going on? Bondage? They sure are. There's a satchel on this wall directly in front of me there is a picture with three dudes with beards can you like three painted beards can you see that oh yeah yeah that looks like you brought it from home yeah yeah there's leather he's calling in from 2016 to here look look at that mirror the mirror is dirty can you see it it's like made to be dirty oh yeah it's this oh what the i've seen john jordan still in portland but he's trying to travel back to 2016 yeah you have a kid

you sometimes you just got to go sit in a hotel for a night don't talk to me until i've had my bacon dude i get it uh shauna jordan on twitter sean cougar melon jordan on instagram sean tour with kyle canane right now how's the how's uh the cananiac doing good we uh we've been having ourselves some fun it's it's been a lot of driving went to a bar last night that's like a college bar i haven't done that in a while like children i mean it was nuts man we were seriously twice the age of most people in there there were a couple like 21 year olds or whatever at the show last night and oh boy kids they look like babies that's a weird feeling yeah yeah i don't even know how they find us shout out to young duncan in canada he was like i've been listening since the first episode i was like how bro since

you were in high school yeah and also there were some adult themes adult themes yeah yeah adult themes run through that's the through line were some adult themes. Adult themes. Yeah, yeah. Adult themes run through. That's the through line here is adult themes. Sean, adult themes Jordan, dude. I was doing adult stuff in high school, so it's all right. We're doing adult stuff in junior high school. But once again, that's because you're an at-risk youth. The kids are also dressing like it's 1992 again, and that's like.

The 90s are back, baby. It's so confusing. That's so big. If I had all my Grateful Dead shirts from high school, I'd be a millionaire right now. You'd be a millionaire, dude. Like everybody's. That's what I think about velour, where I'm like, man. God damn it.

If I'd have saved all that velour. Velour, that's like more. It's a safer bet than gold right now, dude. Just all my money's tied up in velour. Yeah. It was tight. D dressing like a juggalo is back you know uh it's insane he stopped at this shithole in the middle of washington yesterday some meth town and this dude kyle opens the door to the gas station to go in and this yeah you said

juggalo remind this dude couldn't have been more of a juggalo i mean yeah he didn't probably never stopped dressing i mean some people just didn't stop yeah some people just kept it going billy eilish brought it back she opens the door and this guy stopped he stops in the door turns around and starts talking to somebody but he's in the door and he did not move and kyle had to go to the other door i was sitting there i was like man if this was ian we'd be in washington for a minute that was beloi right hook boom right hook. Boom. Right hook in the side of the head. I was shocked, and I was like, were you going to say anything?

He goes, I don't think that guy was even a dick. I think he was just that oblivious to the world. I honestly think if Kai would have said something, the dude would have been like, oh, my bad, my bad. Yeah, magic, magic ninjas, what? Oh, sorry, fam. Oh, sorry. That whoop, whoop. Sorry, fam. Oh, whoop, whoop. Sorry.

Whoop, whoop. That's on me, dude. Whoop, whoop. Whoop, whoopsy, dude. I did talk to a guy. Whoop, whoopsy. Whoop, whoopsy, mansy, bro. Oh, boy.

There was a guy at the airport who stopped, like, after a long day of travel and, like, delayed flights, when I finally got to LAX, when, like, okay, my journey's only half over because now I've got to get out out of lax a dude just stopped in the middle of the door and i just was like come on and then he got all spicy with me yeah have some situational

awareness bro head on a swivel at the airport speaking of situational awareness brother yeah that's right corner carl what did you just take a sip of? It's cold brew, but it's in a sauerkraut jar. I'm not drinking sauerkraut juice, although sometimes I do do that. This is just a jar that I had. I thought you were pounding some kind of a yellow salsa. I was like, whoa, this guy loves food. Just cold brew from a sauerkraut jar as one does. Classic.

Classic. Okay. If he washed down in salsa, we'd know that within three years, we'd all be pouting the salsa, dude. That's the thing. Trendsetter. I just sip a fucking paste picante while I'm listening to you casually. Go on. Yes.

Oh, I only drink out of ramekins now. New York City. Sean, do you have any dates coming up that you want to tell the people about? What's going on with you? I don't. No. Just, you know, be cool. I'm good. Be cool be cool tip when you go out just have fun you know chill put a smile on your face watch the late show appreciate that david board is here cool guy jokes 87 on instagram i'm not even talking about

twitter anymore how are you doing buddy it's over. It's over. I'm good. I'm in Kansas City. Ate some barbecue yesterday. Went downtown early today. And I got out of the hotel room. I was just having a good time. You see Tech Night at all? I did not.

I did not. And my affiliation to the Bay Area makes me kind of feel like I got to lay low in Kansas City. Is that a beef? That's where they got killed, Mac Dre. In Kansas City? This is, this is. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They killed Mac Dre?

Yeah. I didn't know how. I guess I never knew how Mac Dre died. He got shot? In Kansas City, apparently. Whoa. Oh, shit. R.I.P.

R.I.P. to the legends. Yeah, speaking of keep your head on a swivel, dude, watch out. Yeah, seriously. Shit. RIP. RIP to a legend. Yeah. Speaking of keep your head on a swivel, dude, watch out. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. Wrapping on the mic is how we got that name. Anyways, yeah, I'm in Kansas City. I'm having a good time.

Having shows. Hours getting better. Thanks to all the AFV fans who have been coming out. I don't know if I mentioned it, but really thank you to those Canadian, that couple who had Mind Goblin shirts on. Really made my week. But yeah, thanks to everybody.

Shout out to Aaron for coming out three cities we've hung out in now. Uh, yeah, good. I, you know, I'm happy, man.

It's so fucking dope seeing all of you out there. Like just even last night doing the show and seeing like people, like I saw like an AFE hat and like all that. It's dude it's really really nice it's awesome the canadians i had a few come out of vancouver dude in seattle last night front row i just get out and he shouts like good vibes gang i was like hell yeah dude yeah now these mind goblin shirts david was one mind and one goblin you know it that's you know the craziest thing what i took a picture of them which i don't know what happened i can't find it but as i took a picture i went to my feature and i was like man these shirts are real mind goblin huh and it didn't work oh my god he just did what everybody does

where he's like yeah they got to see it not work it's it's insane i don't know like i'm sorry what i'm talking about like it's a fucking mind goblin right yeah i was hoping i was wanted it for you david i wanted it it's never gonna work you're like in your head about it too i'm past in my head about it it's over it's already done i need new bits i'm not even trying it anymore i got one off and i'm like i'm calling it good i'm retiring with one title it was what i wanted to do i just wanted to go to the chip one time i've been training for years i'm gonna do it to kyle on the way to spokane i don't think i've done it yet i'm gonna try i don't think kyle i kyle is a he's a he's a jokester he's gonna smell it coming he's also hung over and uh that'll that'll do a

lot to someone's ability to smell the joke i also also could see Kyle saying, what's a mind goblin, and laughing at you. With me. Ah, fuck. With me. Yeah. Dickhead. Anyways, thanks for coming out to all my shows, guys. I appreciate it.

It's been a real mind goblin. Yeah, dude. It's been a load of. No. Don't do that to me. Has it been Ds? Just because it hasn't worked for me doesn't mean I'm walking into new ones.

I just think it's been a real loader for you. It's a Hebrew term. It's a Hebrew term, David. Alright. I'm sure it is. The heads are on swivels this morning. What's a loader? Get a load of these nuts. Hey!

You know? My man. what's a load what's a loader get a get a load of these nuts hey my man uh say it again uh it's a it's been a load of sean and well what's a loader what do you mean a load of jizz oh damn boom oh damn hello i don't like that one it's a bit crass for my taste. Yeah, that's blue. It's the late show. That's the late show. Yeah. Dude, my late show last night was so, it was like the most well behaved of the whole weekend. That's wild. That's always weird. A Friday late show. I was like assuming like you're the drunkest show.

It's Friday late night. And no, they were so nice. Sometimes I think that happens because they're the people who aren't out getting wasted they're like oh we should just like go to a comedy show i'm not trying to just get like blitz tonight the people who are like we're getting fucked up they're out getting fucked up yeah as soon as yeah they started their night with the show yeah yeah anyways shout out to everybody a lot of fun characters in kc been making fun of people it's been a good time i love it yeah uh carl hess is here oh it's great to be here guys return champion return to the podcast yelling about

pate is the podcast that's that's true tell tell the people tell the people about tell tell the people about yelling about pate is much like this it's just friends yelling at each other and doing private jokes um really making each other laugh i host it with my good friend who is a chef and uh you know we interview chefs and comics talk about you know critical culinary and comedic issues of the day as you do of course course. Very alliterative. It's fun. Sometimes we have a few drinks. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes you chug a jar of salsa live on air.

Sometimes we fucking drink a condiment straight up. You know, you get out there. Drinking that kraut juice. I don't let any kraut juice go to waste. It's called Kolsch. It's called a double IPA actually. I'm a big kraut juice go to waste. It's called Kolsch. Yeah, exactly. It's called a double IPA, actually. Sean.

I'm a big kraut guy, and when I finish my sauerkraut, there's always juice at the bottom of the jar. And you know I do shoot that. It's actually a really good hangover cure. This is an old Polish folk hangover cure. It's actually pickle juice that they do. If you drink a shot of pickle juice before you go out, and then you come home hammered,

you drink a shot of pickle juice before you pass out and then you come home hammered you drink a shot of pickle juice before you pass out apparently you wake up with no hangover that's what the polls say because of the the uh the salinity of the pickle juice and the absorption of water uh apparently you know it's it's worked for me in the past i don't really get hung over but uh you know wow worth worth doing are you polish i just drink a lot i feel like my liver is just operating at a high echelon right now. I haven't been hungover since probably 2006. God, that's amazing. Are you serious?

Yeah. I mean, like, real hungover. Obviously, some mornings you're feeling a little rough, but, like, nausea, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to noise, like, actual real deal hangover. I want to die. I have not had that forever. Do you get bonkers drunk or do you just keep like a nice level i mean you know i'm in my late 30s now i don't go as hard as i used to mostly i'm a wine guy i i would say uh if you were only drinking natural wine i've never really felt

bad the next day from that um it's it's where the liquor comes in that you get in trouble, boys. Well, natural wine is Carlo Rossi. One of the naturals. Cause you know, you know, if it comes in, if it comes in a jug that has a tiny handle, I would say steer clear of that. Anything that you can flip over and steer clear of a jug based alcohol.

No, even if it has three X's on it, if it has Carlo Rossi, you're just going to want to steer clear of jugs in general, I would say. Carlo Rossi is less of a natural wine and more of a big natural wine. Actually, I'll tell you. Yeah, exactly. Big, juicy naturals.

My worst hangover ever was in college. I drank a four, not the classic Carlo Rossi, the four-liter big boy family size that could feed a family of Italian peasants of Carlo Rossi white wine oh god four liters and I did it like it started as a joke because it has that little you know finger loop I was like swagging around the house with my roommates like slugging it over my shoulder with the loop I was like I'm gonna drink this whole thing guys and then like halfway through I was like I'm going to drink this whole thing, guys. And then halfway through, I was like, I'm going to drink this fucking whole thing. And I did.

And the next day, I've never been more sick in my life. I was on the verge of death for a good 20 hours. And what we're saying is you don't have to do that when you come see us live. Don't do it. You don't. You don't. Also, you don't have to. Just drink half the jug.

Half the jug. Then go see the Howdy bit. You only need half the jug. Howdy-dee. Also, you don't need to send me Carla Ross. You don't need to send me Cuddy Sark. Yes, you do. It's been a long time.

I never even liked it as much as I was just really poor. We're different guys now. I'm sorry to transition. It's not that cheap. I mean, it was like $8 at the roost, though. Yeah, that's because it's like taking three shots. You know that song, Same Old G? Yeah g yeah we're not still that same old g i'm gonna listen to that with kyle overall same old g but just as far as like cuddy stock goes not the same old g

what would you david what would you prefer now tell the fans like you know you got to give him some guidance. Five bucks. That's no fun. David, can I go to the bar and get you five bucks? Just send cash, folks. Yeah, you know what I mean. I think it would be like some kind of a regional fruit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude.

New fruit. Yeah. Give me like some pears. Show me what the pears are like. Your local hot sauce. That's always my favorite. Yeah, that's good. I scooped some kiwi berries from Costco the other day.

That's a tasty treat. What was his name? Raul. Raul, give me those kiwi berries. Anything else you want people to check out, Carl? Is there like a great a good episode of yelling about pate or is it jump in the pool wherever you can get in? We got a lot of good ones um uh you can follow us instagram at yap pod that's y-a-p-p-o-d we're on we're on apple podcast we're on all the things um yeah i feel like you guys know the episodes are

all like your children you can't choose a favorite one um but they all disappoint you in some way that's deep yeah you never forget. Yeah, because they're not very good at baseball. You could have been great. You could have been like me. Mid-level. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram,

at Ian Carmel on Jewish Short Kings app. Shout out to all my Short Kings. Short Kings Spring. I saw that shit. That had me going. Short Kings spring. I saw that shit. That'd be going. Short Kings spring. We're celebrating it out here. I don't have anything to promote really.

I will have done hot tub. I'm trying to do a lot more standup right now. So around the Los Angeles area. So just keep an eye on the social media. I'm trying to rediscover what shows there are now. Yeah. Isn't that weird it's weird i have no idea there's like a whole the the scene kept going and i opted out and now i'm like can i

come back and i'm trying to figure out if i'm welcome so uh hopefully so what else watch uh the late late show with james corden and where i'm the on-screen sidekick and listen to all fantasy everything. I got nothing else to say, dude. That's about it. That's enough. That's good. Get into it. For God's sake, we're getting here today not only to talk about Mike Malloy throwing an

all-family member out of a show with relish. With relish. And a little bit of mustard. He was having a good time. A lot of mustard on it dude yeah that guy the the other thing so dave ross was at the show dave ross was moving to new york shout out to dave ross uh he he came by the show last night and he was at the bar before and the guy who got thrown out was at the bar uh as well and he bought like dave ross a drink and everything he was like a nice guy we we see

you buddy you're just you're just a sweetheart i'm nice and i've been removed from some places so yeah absolutely shout out to you shout out to david shout out to david i bet sean goes easy though like the guy guy comes over put the hands on the shoulder and you're just like all right you know what yeah you're right yeah yeah're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had my. My B. It's like. My bad, bud.

You go the Canadian way. My bad, bud. Yeah. My bad, buddy. That's our bad. I've had people put their hands on my shoulder, and it was bare skin because I had my shirt off in a bar. And it's like, yeah, I should probably get out of here. You're right. The tender touch.

I should probably get out of here. I remember there was a time when I was out of pocket, and the bouncer came over and just simply laid his hand on my shoulder. And I don't remember this, but my friend told me I did this. And he goes, you just closed your eyes and went, thank you. I was like, damn, that's dark. God fucking damn it. No recollection. No recollection of that.

You got to the most honest place as fast as possible. I sure did. I was like thank you for helping me sir yeah that guy threw me a fucking life preserver you're right this is a bennegan's i'm going nuts i'm wrong i'll show myself out i knew i blew past the stop sign all i needed was somebody to show to me when we got kicked out when i got us kicked out of that bar in washington dc for frizzeing a pizza box into the street. Sure did.

Oh, I forgot about that. When the bouncer came over, he was like, you guys got to go. And I was like, you're right. I know. Like, yeah, we did have to go. We sure do. We sure did. That was one of those nights where it was like we were racing to get kicked out of somewhere by the end.

That's the problem when I'm moving on the street too much. I can't bring it back inside. That night started with me wearing underwear and ended with me not wearing underwear before i got back to the hotel because i pooped a little bit wait really yeah i pooped in my pants a little bit sometimes you gotta drop the underwear off in the bathroom it doesn't make it it was last so we all got split up and it was i forgot about that it was last call at some bar and i i walked up and I go, I thought you guys were all coming, so I was like, let me get,

I think I got like nine shots of Jameson and like three huge beers, and then you guys texted, and you're like, we're actually found this other place, and I'm like, well, darn it. And so I took a couple of them, and then I, yeah, I was like, uh-oh, and I pooped a little bit, and then I ran to the bathroom. Nothing crazy, but definitely took my underwear off and tossed them. And then we got, I got like four different kinds of chicken and ate it on the bed with Shane. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm glad you were rooming with Shane that night.

Yeah, poopy pants. It's like when there's like a bunch of big stories in the news and something has to get pushed to page two. That was just that night. It was poopy pants. Yeah, that was sure. Got overshadowed by me texting myself from a girl's phone saying how bad i wanted to have sex with me that's awesome oh man that was great i'll never good night dc i'll be back july 21st through 25th you're gonna be dc yeah i'm doing the dc

improv lounge because i'm not a big act. Oh, July 21st through 23rd. You know what you got to know about DC? No. No. I'm sorry. DCD's nuts. Yeah, you got a DCD's nuts. Boom.

Walked right into it. Throwing shit across the room. God damn it. Also, I'm going to see julia there i might see oh lovely yeah i might also see that woman who's funny well tell her i'm engaged now i'll be like he found somebody who actually likes to have sex with him i'm just anti this lady for some reason. You need to give him some space. Back up off my bed.

Alright, come on. Cool your jets. For God's sake. We're getting here today not to relive what is simultaneously the peak and nadir of my existence, but also to fantasy draft pizza toppings. In honor of yelling about Pat Taylor, we had to do a food-based

topic, and one that i can't believe we haven't done yet yeah this is shocked i'm shocked when you when you agreed to this because i was like how have you not covered this there's nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come sometimes it happens when it's like oh shit 280 episodes and this is still on the table it's time to fucking do it and the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors, scissors. And we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh. Oh, three different ones. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Whoa. Ooh, three same ones. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David. Oh, David wins.

He throws a rock. He's the odd man out. David, as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that i will remind you i've never seen the man is powered up it's not a visual medium i wish i had some some shit's just for us you know what yeah that's true that's true that's just fine. It is a serpentine draft. And what is that?

That's a great question. Deez nuts. There's a serpentine river just outside of Vancouver, Canada that I drove by. And it doesn't go straight like a normal river. The serpentine river goes in like an S shape. So it's basically just like an S. Like it kind of goes over to the right and then back to the left over to the right back to the left kind of like a snake serpentine river

just outside of vancouver canada i was there basically what it means is uh if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now david with that in mind what will the order of today's draft be david carl sean yeah david carl shawnee and that's a hot corner for David Carl Sean Ian. David Carl Sean Ian. That's a hot corner for Ian Carmel. David Carl. David Carl and Sean Ian. Those guys are going to go out and take. That's your starting pitchers in the fucking NLDS this year, dude.

That's my life insurance guy and my health insurance guy. Sean, you know about the NLDS, right? David, do you want to ask what that is what what's the nlds nlds no lie dissack no i don't know what we're talking about what'd you say no like dissack no lie dissack okay it kind of works. Nut sack. It's always so funny when rappers will talk about their sack. It's not dope to have a big sack.

It's fine if you do, but don't, you know. It's not the size of the sack. It's what you bought at the store. You know what I mean? It's not the size of the sack. It's what you got bouncing around in there. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, dude.

I got a big sack, but tiny nuts, dude. Girls hate it. It's a problem. It's mostly flesh. It looks weird. It's like the grocery store only had a really big bag, and I just bought like, I got like a lime. Yeah.

Yeah. You're like, why'd you give me this big ass paper bag? Two peanuts in a backpack. Yeah, two Rice Krispies, dude. There's only two wasabi peas left in the package. That's what's going on over here. David, you have the first pick in the pizza toppings, All Fantasy Everything draft.

And we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. PolicyGenius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With PolicyGenius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams.

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Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed, except, of course, for yelling about pate. Thank you. Those are the two. Those are the only two podcasts. If you want to listen to a podcast, you got two options.

Luckily, they're the two best options you could ever hope for. David Boreyory you have the first pick in the pizza topics draft what will that first pick be i gotta take it it's america's favorite i'm taking pepperoni yeah pepperoni you gotta take it you just gotta take it you know what i mean yeah it's come on man obviously from youth from when i was a youth. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. Pepperoni is number one. I fucking love a pepperoni. I love when they boat up on a pizza. Oh,

small peps, little pep cups. And then the, yeah, the little grease is in there. It's like a savory gusher. That's what you have. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I like on a Detroit style pizza. Exactly. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. It's like taking a shot.

Yeah. Yeah. Shot of grease. Here's, here's my thing about pepperoni. detroit style pizza exactly dude yeah i love that yeah it's like taking a shot yeah yeah shot of grease here's my thing about pepperoni and i want to put it to you guys as uh connoisseurs of good living yeah how come pepperoni has never really made it as a sandwich a standalone sandwich i don't know what yeah i have i i blame big pizza yeah yeah i've made plenty of pepperoni sandwiches i mean and you know what actually speaking of canada apparently in canada it's more common I blame big pizza. Yes. I've made plenty of pepperoni sandwiches. I mean, and you know what? Actually, speaking of Canada, apparently in Canada it's more common. But, like, what if you just got a pepperoni sandwich, like Italian style,

dressed with the lettuce and some oil, like an Italian sub, but just pepperoni? It's not crazy at all. I don't know why we don't do it. I mean, I've had it, but it's not common. I will say when I went to Italy, I don't think I ever had pepperoni pizza. Yeah, they're more on the soppressata tip in Italy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know what that means necessarily in relation to what you said. I just wanted to tell people I've been to Rome.

Oh, that was so serious. I also would like to mention that I've been to Rome. I just want to throw that in there. Everybody knows you've been to Rome. Okay, fair enough. You're holding a pen. You're holding a pen this whole time. You have a house plant in there.

That's true. That's true. I do have a fiddle leaf behind me, and it's quite healthy. I'm in Aloft in Missouri. I have to let it be known. Pepperoni even sounds like an American making fun of an Italian person. Yeah. Hey, pepperoni even sounds like an american making fun of an italian person yeah yeah

i was explaining to my friend why i thought how to gucci was bad the other day and i just kept saying gucci and pepperoni that's what it sounded like that whole movie was to me but i'm a gucci i'm an artist disappointed by that movie yes everyone was in a different movie everyone was in a different film he was in the movie i think that movie was more about lady gaga's butt than it was about anything else it was an important it was an important work but i'm not like mad at that yeah nice but yeah yeah yeah good but good but good but yeah uh how's it a gucci pepperoni that's what my first biggest pepperoni it's fucking great absolutely it tastes it tastes like little league trophy ceremonies

it tastes like it tastes like movie night yeah it's just fantastic tastes like that fucking class party where you got a tiny sliver of it like a piece this big yeah with like the teacher could afford one pizza and just like tiny slices yeah they give you like a tiny slice and then like a half a shot of squirt and that was that was it you ever have like a full you ever have like a full lunch meat size slice of pepperoni like because it's obviously we see it's small a lot yeah like a full size slice oh yeah it's a lot then you're living that's good yeah yeah yeah pulling those out the fridge i. I've never had a thick cut of pepperoni. I've only had real thin shit, but a thick one would be fun.

You've got to get that destroyed stuff. A pepperoni steak. You just eat it with a knife and fork. Oh, my God. That sounds good. Like a ham steak, but it's a pepperoni steak. I would do that. I would fuck with that.

Sounds amazing. Damn, I want to try that. I think it would kill me yeah the sodium alone involved would be yeah astronomical i already got to keep an eagle eye on the blood pressure i think a pepperoni steak would be that's that's the coffin now that'd be a long conversation with my doctor's like now how often are you eating these pepperoni and you're like, it's a special occasion dish. I'm not saying you can't never have pepperoni steaks. Pepperoni steaks, dude.

That sounds like an old Action Bronson album. Before Blue Chips 2. Volume 2. Pepperoni steaks. Pepperoni off the board. We knew it was going to go early. Had to. Time for your first pick.

I mean, pepperoni is obviously the most beloved. It's the champion. But I'm coming in. My pick is no toppings, plain pizza. Which I would argue might be the best type of pizza. Or maybe number two to pepperoni. The East Coast agrees. We're talking tomato cheese?

We're talking classic plain slice. So my draft is no topping. Because you're drafting bread? Or dough? I'm drafting the absence of topping because plain pizza is the best. Well, arguably, one of the best pizzas.

But we're just saying cheese pizza then, right? Yeah, cheese pizza. Cheese pizza. A classic plain slice. We're talking tomato sauce. We're talking cheese. Sure. Plain slice.

Yeah. See, now those are two toppings to me. No, no, no. We can't. We can't. Like, that's pizza. Topping goes on top of the pizza, you know? I agree.

Cheese with the tomato, that's just pizza. That's pizza. Yeah. All right. I think plain slice is, if you get a good plain, and that's always where you start with a new place. You're like, let me try the plain.

Let me try the pepperoni. Let's establish a baseline. And then we can move on to some crazy shit. It's like if an ice cream place can do a vanilla. You're like, this is a good ice cream place. Now I'll try the pistachio. I'm sorry. I love it.

I love a piece of cheese pizza. I think it's great oh yeah yeah absolutely yeah i feel like it's a very east coast thing just the east coast you like get slices like on the go you know it's like the unit of consumption is like a slice in la it would be like a street dog or a taco right new york you're like i'm walking i'm eating the pizza i'm gonna get a slice and a plain slice. That's what I mean. But I'm from the West. I'm from Godfather's Round Table.

Yeah, dude. Domino's, where I'm from, cheese is kind of for children. Theme pizzas, dude. On the West Coast, pizzas are like Mardi Gras floats, dude. Everything's got an elaborate theme to it. Yeah, we love toppings out West. We love toppings out West. You guys love bottoms out East east that's just how it goes

you know what i mean though yeah i do know what you mean of course yeah yeah but i will say cheese is the highbrow pizza when you're doing the real deal yeah it should be able to stand on its own if the if the pizza can't if the plain slice isn't good forget it i get you forget about it i've never had never rarely have i had a piece of cheese pizza where i'm like yuck it's always good to me that's true even like a dollar slice in new york where you're like this is absolute shit you're like this is good whatever it's it's shit but i like it yeah when the cheese is like a landmass it starts to all slide off together yeah exactly yep it's holding on to

each other but not the pizza itself yeah yeah man yeah oh when it's like when it's it's melted and then recongealed just a tiny bit yeah yeah yeah you get it you get it cold a cold recongealed cheese so you can actually bite through it is really fun ninja turtle cartoon cheese yeah just just like raf did it just like michelangelo rocked it pizza has never looked better dude i will say i if it's fresh i've never had bad pizza okay fresh out of the oven it's pretty much all good to me i would like your guys take on this so i'm out i'm pretty drunk i'm with a couple friends we're walking in highland park there's a pizza place in highland park called town which is good shout out to town so outside of town is closed it's probably like 11 p.m outside of town stacked not in the trash can

this is a critical facet stacked on top of the trash can are three pizza boxes i open it up i i'm shocked each of them contains a full untouched pizza yeah yeah a town pizza yes they're town boxes yes so i assumed what happened was they had extra pizza yes they put it out front i don't know the place is closed i'm pretty drunk i'm hungry my friends are like are you gonna eat that trash pizza i'm like it's not in the trash it's not trash pizza on top of it it's stacked it's in the box untouched. And I ate two slices. Yeah. And it was great.

And then I carried all the boxes into the next bar and was like, I got pizza for everyone. And I did not tell them I found it on the street. And we all ate it. And we had a great time. Okay. I love it. I was with you until you brought it to the bar. No, here's the thing.

I ate two slices there. And then i went to the next bar and then i was like all that pizza is just sitting out there like right i'm gonna go get it and bring it in and i did some men just want to watch the world i was a hero that night i tell you yeah of course you were of course you were that's all good they don't know you could tell me you found it on the garbage and i'd be like, sure, you ate some? My friends knew. All my friends ended up eating it and liking it, even though they initially were like, don't eat that trash pizza.

And I'm like, it's untouched. Because obviously that's what happened. They put it out there for, obviously. Yeah, that is what happened. Yeah. For like, yeah. Yeah. It's not like a dirty penny that's not some

shit you find on the street off yeah you know what i mean and this is obviously pre-covid uh you know oh yeah i'd have been right there next to you eating that pizza by the way a hundred percent yeah i wouldn't have made it into the bar if i were with you i'd be like i love that. No, I like the whole move. Thank you. Thank you. Good to have your support on this.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I want pizza so bad. I know. I'm going to get some. It was like really good. It was hitting. Going to get some pizza today and it's going to be tight.

Oh, we're going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. That is nothing. I forgot about that. You and Kinane and b-dubs oh man look out man i felt so stupid last night because i tried to say something smart because i was like you know the the third w it stands for for weck and kyle he's like what's whack and i go i don't know but i know i know it was whack it was like a beef right beef whack or something so whack is a so it's called beef on

weck and weck is the bread oh see yeah it's a type of like that's what buffalo wild wings stands for that's why i got the bw3 because everyone's like why is there w3 as in 3w so it used to be buffalo wild wings and weck right did it i didn't know that it did all right oh wow i hope i'm not talking out of my ass but i'm pretty sure that's how it got i think weck is like a New York, like an upstate New York thing, like beef on WEC. Yeah. So I'm pretty sure. But anyway, I said that and I didn't know what WEC was and I felt smart and then immediately stupid.

It was just a fun, fun little, little back and forth. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the bread. I could be wrong on that. Yeah. I mean, we do that kind of thing. You throw out a fact and hope there are absolutely zero follow-up questions. Yeah. That is it all the time.

Dude, Laura's always asking me follow-ups and i'm just like stop yeah don't embarrass me i wasn't supposed to go this far you know michael jackson had impetigo and then they're like what and you're like nope yeah moving on no anyways he was spotted uh sean jordan time for you a first pick uh i'm going to say i'm a savory boy and uh i like me some bacon on my pizza oh yeah me too first pick bacon all right yeah just bacon though i mean bacon can function in con in conjunction with other toppings but you're talking just bacon well if we have to pick one at a time like you can only take one thing yeah so right we're not taking combos here we're going one topping at a time so if you go like pepper pepperoni is the only clear front runner for like a one single topping and then cheese obviously i would argue

sausage should be in the conversation and also i agree with you carl it will be great yes but yes for me for my pick i'm faking bacon i could easily it says This isn't hard for me because I could eat a slice of pizza with anything you want to put on it. I could do it just fine. I will and I have, I'm sure. And to me, a piece of cheese pizza with bacon on it sounds tight. I've never had that. It sounds good. I know.

I like it because it adds a good texture to pizza. I do like that. Bacon adds a good crunch. It's good. I think it tastes delicious. I think it adds a good texture to pizza. I do like that. Bacon adds a good crunch. It's good. I think it tastes delicious. I think it's a great texture. But when I see bacon on a pizza, it's a little bit like when I see the moon during the day. What's going on?

What are you doing here? To go back to it, I hadn't thought about this draft the way that obviously we got to do it, where it's like you're just having a piece of cheese pizza, and you pick one thing at a time that goes on it not a combo so are we building a slice or are we just each pick because it's necessarily it's a lot of topics have to operate on their own yeah yeah yeah yeah i think we're just picking tops build a slice is a different draft yeah that's this is fun i like so yes uh bacon just bacon now i'm picturing that back home dude it'd be good you know what would be fun?

A full strip of bacon. Instead of little bits, just put some full strips of bacon on there. Do that for me. All right. Like two. Yeah, or you could cut them like the pizza. You could put some triangle bacon on there.

I think we've only cracked the book on the Sean Bacon story. Let's flip a few chapters deep. Are you a crispy bacon guy, or do you like a tender bacon when it's on a breakfast plate? I like a crispy bacon guy or do you like a tender bacon when it's on a breakfast when it's on a breakfast plate i like a crispy bacon yeah you're from in the midwest like that yeah yeah i i can handle a soggy bacon it's not i mean it's still that but i like that

you get me in that alley behind faded i'll handle a soggy after a few drinks i hear you i mean you kind of have to handle a soggy i'm sorry it doesn't work after a whole bottle what do you want me to do about it yeah i like a crispy bacon but i'm not gonna i'm not gonna be upset if it's not crispy it's still i'm a tender boy i'll i'll stand up for tender i like tender too okay i like on pizza i like it when it's like the crispy crumbles like the little crunchies yeah crispy bacon is good when crumbled and put on like top of a salad right if i'm getting like a strip of bacon i don't want to be too crisp i want to take more meat like i like the thick cut kind of slow yeah somebody get bacon in the crust for me you can get cheese in there you can get bacon in there somebody do it for me tell me where to get it they can put bacon in the crust do it somebody tell me where it's happening i'll

go do it i think the most times you see bacon i grew up eating a lot of bacon cheeseburger pizza uh-huh uh there was like a place near me that was like a you know it was like crazy toppings it was called like piece of pizza like p spelled like p sign and it was like all stoners work there uh bacon cheeseburger pizza was a bacon was a very strong operator in that pie. Ground beef, really good, a lot of cheese. Take her easy, Carl Hess.

We're saying pigs now. That's a composed pie. That's not one topping. All right. That's not a topping. That's going to come up too. Don't worry. Not for mine. Bacon.

You know he built a bunch of hospitals in Africa. Did he? He also has his own coin. He threw a guy off a stage one time. Some dude was talking shit and he was like, come on up, acted like he wanted him up there. He was like, come on up. And then he just threw him off the back of the stage.

I've seen that video. He straight up picked him up and threw him. Like video game style. he picks him up and just throws him off the stage and then keeps going and it's like wow dude you are dope akon is very much the mike malloy of the uh international r&b scene i think i've been saying that for years yeah more and more people are saying that well he built a bunch of solar panels i forget what what he built, but the man is building an infrastructure in the country he's from. I think he also has the word Bongo Bongo in his name. I don't know. Bongo time.

Oh, Bongo T-May. That's what it is. Yeah. All right. I'm just watching this video of him throwing a guy off the stage. Isn't it? It's wild. He's very strong.

Good for Akon, dude. Yeah, he's doing good man yeah acon's one of those people where like you you'd find out like yeah he's like one of the third he's like the third highest selling artist of all time and you'd be like really and you're like oh you know what checks out yeah i watched a really long interview with him once he's actually a really interesting guy yeah i get that feeling from him yeah he was like involved in like a car thieving ring where's he from is he where's he from senegal and new jersey he grew up like back and forth yeah me too i'm right now i'm writing a uh a version of romeo and juliet that takes place primarily in senegal and new jersey. That makes sense. He introduced chicken parm to Senegal, actually.

Yeah. And New Jersey. It caught on really well. Time for my first and second picks, as it is a serpentine draft. And I have to take, it was mentioned briefly earlier, but I got to take sausage. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. No way we get out of the first round without it. I was thinking that was going to be my number one, but yeah, it's a strong pick. You're doing the coin sausage or you're doing little like chunks of sausage? I'm a chunk sausage. Yeah. I'm a chunk sausage. Yeah.

The coins are fine. Yeah. I'm not taking the coins. All of this can stay on the board. What about like a McDonald's breakfast patty sausage and you put that on a piece of pizza? Like one big one? I'm trying to do that. Breakfast sausage on a pizza now we're

getting crazy you're going nuts over there that sounds that's just a bigger that's a bigger disc yeah so there's a maple to that rather than italian sausage though it's different than italian i will say that i'm gonna i'm gonna specify i'm saying italian sausage okay it's gotta have the fennel in there yeah it's got to like fennel fennel what's in what sean this might be a hot take what's but i even see if you agree with me if i presented as pepperoni or sausage i feel like most of the time i'm going sausage me too yeah absolutely okay i just want to make sure we're on the same with pizza we're talking right on pizza sausage feels like a bit of a surprise still to me yeah you know what i mean like like pepperoni i know what's coming to the table there aren't a lot of there aren't like pepperoni is going to taste like

pepperoni sausage you do you get that fennel note sometimes sometimes there's other stuff what is it what is it mixed in with that sometimes it's really spicy sometimes it's not yeah sometimes a little sweet there's a lot going on shot fennel is like like an herb that has a bit of a licorice-y flavor to it. Oh, interesting. It's a seed. It kind of has that anise-y flavor. I mean, it's like a common sausage thing, like a common sausage taste. Sometimes you'll sprinkle some fennel pollen on a vegetable just to give it a little depth of flavor there.

Seed? Seedies? Seedies. Seedies. Oh, it's a seed. The CDC recommends you. Seedies nuts. There it is. There you go.

I think you could CDC somebody later tonight. No, I have to grow up. I have to move on. No. Come on, Peter Pan. What are you doing? Lost boys don't grow up, man. I'm not lost.

I want to be a found boy. I know where I am. I'm at the A-Loft in Kansas City, Missouri. Try to get someone in the crowd of the Mind Goblin tonight. I bet that'll work because they'll be nervous. I'm not. All right. I'm honestly, after this, I'm just going to go have a swim, cool off, reset my brain.

It's high stakes Mind Goblin in front of a whole crowd oh dude i don't want to maybe yeah they need to think highly of me if it goes wrong then they're gonna start thinking i'm a mark then it's like now you got people coming up on the stage trying to make their own jokes you know that guy comes up to you like akon there's a guy on stage you have to throw him off yeah yeah you're not akon i'm taking my chains off it's the whole thing bacon dude bacon dude uh yeah i love an italian sausage on there i just think it's it holds the fat too it's just really good decadent a nice moist sausage bite come on it feels like a second meal on top of your meal already that's what we're going and i gotta go

if i'm taking sausage i gotta take maybe i could get this later but i'm amongst aficionados and i don't think i could necessarily i'm taking mushrooms sean i know that wasn't a threat for you strong pick strong oh just a piece of cheese pizza with just mushrooms makes me want to barf so hard have you been to like a good had good mushroom like there's no such thing my friend we're not talking this man in the mushroom there's no such thing as a good mushroom is fucking good it's the best mushroom i've ever had yeah that's really strong they have it's the best one they have absolutely yeah yeah shout out to nancy silverton that place is fucking great yeah triple beam is fire i'll try you get me a good mushroom of course i'll try it but i just don't think you don't i just think you don't speak of that language it's a texture thing i just don't see it. I just think you don't speak that language, man. It's a texture thing.

I just can't. It feels like there's a bug in there. Yuck. I love them, though, especially with my first pick, a sausage and mushroom pizza. Ooh. Yeah. That's about all I need.

Onion on there. Hello. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what you're doing. I'm just spitballing. Somebody else might take it, Carl. Carl, this is the bad boy of the pizza draft. That's what happens. I like it. I'm just getting excited. I'm just spitballing. Somebody else might take it, Carl. Carl Hess is the bad boy of the pizza draft. That's what happens.

I like it. I'm just getting excited. I'm just getting excited. I'm going to calm it down. The man comes from yelling about pate, and we invite him here into our beautiful little tea room. You're like a boxer. With his rules, with his manners.

Keeps punching everyone in the nuts. They're like, don't do it again. You're like, obviously, I won't do it again. And then, boom, right in the nuts. We fucking knew what happened. We invited a bull into our china shop and this is on us this is on i love it man break some shit mulloy's gonna come bounce me you might do it he's on a fucking he's sprinting towards your house right now uh yeah mushroom with i i don't want to say other picks that are in the kind of mushroom family but

sometimes you get the mushroom with a little bit of that oil you know what i mean like mixed in with it too just that umami flavor it's just fucking i just love it it gives the pizza a depth of flavor it's not a vegetable but you can tell yourself it's a little healthier than some of the other options not really it's also one of the first high-end end toppings. I'd have it on pizza, and I'd be like, mushroom's fine. And then when I first started having really good pizza, I'd be like, oh, this is amazing. It's not a vegetable? Mushrooms?

No. What's a mushroom? It's a fungus. I thought it was a vegetable. I thought that counted. That's all right. It's growing out of the ground. I mean, let's not split hairs here, but yeah, fungus.

You weren't eating them anyway. No, they're not going in. Kyle had a veggie tray in the green room, and I was just looking at him. I was like, you honestly think those are good, huh? And he goes, a lot of people do. He's like finding out they don't have stick shift in Monaco, dude. It was never going to affect you. It's really common to like vegetables and like adults i fucking love a mushroom dude throw it on my pizza any day uh sean jordan time for your second

pick mushrooms are off the table yeah yeah they can stay all the way on the floor for the rest of my life i'm gonna pick a little spicy i'm a spicy boy cheese pizza with jalapenos all over it yeah i'm on there dude and if i'm not wrong you that's one that they have at sizzle pie they have just cheese pizza with jalapeno they got some funky name for it but i think like a it's a pretty legit slice yeah it's probably called like david lee roth's taint or something like that kind of name where you're like i just have the one i don't want to say it but can i have the one jalapenos i'm just pointing to it i don't want to say it, but can I have the one with jalapenos? I'm just pointing to it. I don't want to say it. It's Portland dive bar culture's version of the Gratitude Cafe here in LA where you have to say, I'll take the I am grateful.

Put it there. You have to say, I will take the Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat. Yeah, man. I love it. Your two toppings is a fantastic pizza bacon and jalapeno yeah yeah that's a good problem i feel like at the end we're all going to imagine the slice with all five things on it but yeah man cheese with jalapenos bits you know something zach taught me zach tuscani and i don't know he's a pioneer to me but he would get a jalapeno cut it up and put it on like a cheese tombstone and he would also like butter the bottom which i was just like you are on another level get up a bit he should yeah he's really good about that that he would take a tombstone he would take the zang cow chicken garlic butter that we would keep in the fridge uh-huh he would apply it to

the bottom of the tombstone cook it up and eat it damn yeah i didn't know you could do that yeah and i like i'll tell you i've had some frozen pizzas first time yeah first time i saw him add shit to it i was like of course you could add shit yes yeah yeah you can i want to try that now yeah you should man you can put that zanku garlic sauce on anything though and it would probably work we could just draft shift shit we want to put that on yeah exactly shit to dip in zanku sauce yeah that shit is that shit that's my wife old country magic dude that old country magic yeah somebody killed for that sauce you can taste it yeah yeah absolutely somebody did kill for that story is insane dude yeah but anyway uh jalapenos second pick love him to death i'm i'm excited i got him

i don't know if anybody was going to take it but i got nervous when he and had to it was the it was on the list yeah i love it i love us i i love a spicy jalapeno on a pizza i have some other spicy options hell yeah i think i'm gonna i'm gonna be pretty weird for the rest of this draft maybe yeah i bet you are fucking jelly beans ninja you're gonna michelangelo your pizza up dude i don't like jelly beans is that weird i don't like them really at all it is weird that you don't like jelly beans didn't you try to have a regular segment on this podcast where you would eat a jelly bean yeah that's funny though because they were like they could taste like barf or popcorn it was those weird ones

so it was like yeah it either tastes like rotten fish or, uh, you know, I don't know. Cherry. You actively not like jelly beans or do you just not care for them? I don't, you know, when people are, when they got jelly beans around, I'm like, I don't,

I wish you would have had something, anything different. I would have thought that was top tier. I'm officiating this man's wedding. Like just one of the most dear humans in my heart, family or otherwise. And I would have said a hundred percent. I would have bet most of my money that he likes jellybean yeah i don't it's like yeah i just i'm not i don't care for him yeah yeah i that's not how i'd rather have any skittles starburst got anything anything when jellybeans get there i'm like i don't know i just

i don't know i don't think they're good i don't like how the can't the shell cracks a little bit bless you how it just like and then you got weird jelly bean pieces. It's not together. I don't know. I don't like them. Anyway, jalapenos. Butter popcorn jelly bean is good, though. It is. The flavors, I don't know.

Fair. Fair assessment. Yeah, they had their time. They were the hot candy for a minute. They had their time. Jelly Belly had their time. And were the hot candy for a minute. They had their time. Jelly Belly had their time, you know, and now it's like, all right, we're. Yeah, it was them and Chupa Chups were making moves. Bro, Chupa Chups. That was a top one sucker for a minute.

For a minute. They were like Limp Bizkit, dude. They were the biggest thing in the world for three years, and then they were gone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have. But D-dum's still here you know salvador dali designed their logo dum-dums uh chupa chups yeah chupa really yeah i don't like

dum-dums because i always bite them and chew them and i i never can make it through the whole thing that's a personal issue you're the owl yeah you're the owl i don't like i don't like smashing hard stuff with my teeth two or three yeah yeah exactly that was yeah shout out to that owl also salvador dali yeah that was also salvador dali that's the owl from harry potter too dude that guy works yeah i mean like he's surprisingly got a great house yeah he bought it in the 70s you gotta stay working man he's in the palisades dude he lives next to bob alaban yeah he locked in that low apr yeah that's how you gotta do it he's property tax is like it's so low it's crazy it's like eight thousand dollars a year he's graduated from college multiple times no one knows how he did it no he's

fucking out there dude he's an owl that's the crazy part he's an animal with a degree i'm sorry uh gray hat uh carl time for your second pick your first pick was the absence of toppings this is this is fucking tough uh obviously there's been some strong picks this is going to be a little out of left field a little unorthodox it's not common but i stand by it my pick is a fried egg oh wow i have had it yeah obviously you don't see it a lot but usually when you do see it the fried egg is in the middle of the pizza yeah so that means each slice gets a little bit of that fried egg goodness yeah it's good either way it's good with like a little bit of that fried egg goodness. And it's good either way. It's good with like a little bit of the solid yolk where it's still soft, or it's good runny

where you're like dipping the rest of the slice in. I was born to run. I think it should be more common. I'm a huge egg guy. And I think it really adds a lot to the pizza. So you put the egg in the middle. So like each, the first bite of each slice pretty much.

That's how you usually see it. That middle so like each the first slice that's how you usually see it yeah it's fun yeah it's very fun i've only had it a couple times yeah that is oh yeah when you see fried egg on pizza either that place knows exactly what they're doing or they have no idea what they're doing right or somebody fucked up yeah yeah it was like a picture on twitter going around of like a baked bean and egg pizza and like i'd fuck with it honestly i love it oh i'm trying you want english brekkie oh this sounds like a british thing it's very british those people bro they're so fun like i mean they have there's great food in england too but like yeah their interpretation of what's going on in america

like their versions of like American Mexican food are fucking, they are hilarious. They are out there, dude. They don't know what they're doing. It's like, it's like a game, the game of telephone to all the recipes to them.

I love that. That sounds tight. Brown sauce everywhere. Yeah. There should be more. There should be more eggs on pizzas. I'm an egg. I'm an egg on pizza advocate yeah i love it i love it oh absolutely i didn't even i never even heard of it but i'm absolutely in for sure for sure throw a little bacon on there that's your breakfast

slice right there that's great yeah put the mushrooms in the other room you're doing that with a tomato base too huh right it Right? It's like a tomato base. I've seen it like, yeah, tomato base. Like usually kind of a, I've actually seen it with like ham, like not like Spanish style ham, like Serrano. Yeah. Or like kind of like a prosciutto like situation. Yeah.

Very good. Yeah. Oregano on that. Ooh, come on. Yeah, I'm all for it. I'm all for it. I'm all for it. Ham and eggs, baby.

Ham and eggs. Nothing wrong with that ham and eggs bro david time for your second and third picks so my second pick i'm going down to the core tell me if this is fair i'm talking pesto sauce oh yeah i think so yeah absolutely i love a pesto pizza i like pesto pizza more than I like marinara. Yeah, so we're talking pesto instead of tomato sauce, to be clear. Not the pesto drizzle. Right, right, right. The pesto base. That's real good.

You like a pesto base over a marinara. I do. I eat marinara because I'm with people. Because of society. Yeah, because the man's trying to hold me down but like i if it's just me ordering i'll do like pesto and sausage oh do you not get sick of like so i can have a pesto but i can only have like one piece and if i want sometimes i want eight pieces of pizza and pesto i can only do like one of i listen i get it i understand you can do a bunch huh i

that's my like i, that's my favorite. I love it. I love it. Strong pick. Yeah, I love pesto. That's fun, man. Yeah, I really do. Pesto is what?

It's pine nuts. It's parsley. Something like that. Olive oil? Yeah, it's like greens. You got your basil. You got your parsley. You got your oil.

Yeah. And you got your pine nuts. I think that's like, oh, you got some cheese uh some cheese in there like they great yeah like a pecorino romano situation yeah i mean it's it's an all-time sauce there's no question or a pecorino romano you could put a pecorino romano in that too come on we're comedians everyone has a solid one yeah everyone has a good one everyone does have a good Ray Romano. Strong Rays across the board. God bless him for giving that to us.

I worked with his kid with one of his twins. Does he sound like it? I didn't even know he had twins. Yeah, he had twins. Does he have the her? He's got a little bit. He's got just a touch. Okay.

Just enough to know he's a romano though there's no mistake in it i don't know it's like the gucci movie uh past i fucking love pesto that's a great pick dude i fucking love science um time for your third pick uh my third pick this is another very light topping but i love it when it's on there i'm taking a ricotta cheese oh boy yes dude yeah i love ricotta on pizza like on top of the regular cheese you know what i'm saying like i'm not taking those little an archipelago of melting ricotta. Yeah, I love it. A pesto ricotta combo, too?

Oh, boy. Yes. Oh, my God. And it's the ricotta's all, the texture is soft. That's a double Italian hands right there. That's a double Italian hands. That's a house of the Gucci. You see a lot chilling in one part of the slice, so you, like, bite around it to get

yourself that dope bite. Oh, yeah. Or you save that for last. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.huh yeah yeah oh yeah i love it the mommy's little good boy bite dude as it's known as it's known commonly yeah that's the culinary world carl knows about the mommy's little good boy bite i learned that in rome uh this little good boy bite saving yourself the bombest bite for last is like the gift you give yourself oh yeah you're like i deserve this it's not like the other bites aren't great they're also great but you're like i'm saving this bad boy this this bad boy's bad cleanup right here yeah absolutely i love that

ricotta cheese it's got a little bit of sweetness in it, you know, that ricotta flavor. Oh, yeah. I love it. And it's just like, it's soft. It's like the texture. So I just love it on pizza. It's so good. You know what I recently realized? Incredibly easy to make at home. Ricotta.

I've heard that. You can make it in the microwave. Really? What are the elements? Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah so you just put like the the you have to put like uh like vinegar or lemon into like the you know the the liquid yeah and then you can just microwave that and and it just it curds up you know because that's what ricotta is it's like yeah yeah yeah and it's incredibly

easy to do at home fresh ricotta i have to fuck around and make a get a bobbly crust and make myself my own pizza yeah put the garlic sauce on the bottom homemade ricotta on have to fuck around and make a get a bobbly crust and make myself my own pizza yeah put the garlic sauce on the bottom homemade ricotta on top that's a fucking that's a freezer pizza right there yeah do you hear about ian carmel died what the fuck happened yeah he died dude he died last night what what happened i thought you you know he's getting healthy he found out how to make ricotta at home and it was fucking over, dude. He blew up his house in a homemade ricotta explosion.

It's like a meth lab. No, he was making cotta in there for sure. It's a cotta. It was a cotta cottage. You smell all that lemon in the air? That's classic cotta. They gotta tear that house down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also all the cameras in front of the door. He was making cotta. Yeah, he knew. Come on. He had tunnels. He got to tear that house down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, all the cameras in front of the door. He was making fun of them. Yeah, he knew. Come on. He had tunnels. He had tunnels all over the neighborhood, dude. He had a tunnel to Hail Mary Pizza. He had a tunnel across the river, dude.

He was in Frogtown with that ricotta. Oh, man. Great pick, dude. Ricotta. Strong pick. Carl, time for your third pick. Fuck. This is tough.

You know, I wanted to do barbecue chicken, but I'm now realizing that that is not one thing. That is one thing. I think it counts as one thing. Chicken that's like tossed in barbecue sauce could be one thing.

Yeah. But there's two elements to barbecue chicken. There's the chicken and then there's the sauce. So I don't think I can illegally do that. I think you get that.

I say you get it. I'll give it to you. Because that's a whole type of pizza. That's not a topic. No, you're in, dude. You get the barbecue chicken. You don't get the other stuff that's commonly associated with it. Probably with the barbecue chicken pizza, but you get the chicken, you get the barbecue stuff. Honestly, I think if done right, it's one of the best all-time pizzas.

I'm so with you on that. It's non-traditional. It's a little north and ox i think it was actually created by california uh pizza kitchen which is a chain in california they made that up yeah i think so yeah and and in college i would eat cpk all the time yeah because i you know i grew up on the east coast i had never seen it until i moved out here for school and i was like well this is the best restaurant i've ever been to in my life dude and their goat i mean they're like special is the is the you know barbecue chicken which i correct me if i'm wrong listening public i think they may have invented that pizza my my

queen my queen started a movement daniel schwartz worked at cpk let me ask her right now yeah yeah yeah it is i mean it's a when done right i don't know when all the elements are hitting and there's some ranch drizzled on top i mean it is it is like it is one of those things that you're like this is technically pizza but we're in a different neighborhood yeah it's not even really pizza but it is yeah that's the beauty of it yeah it's got it's like this is a sandwich this is a cheesy chicken sandwich. Most of these pizzas are just like the slice is a vehicle. That's true. I mean, that's the beauty thing about pizza.

Yeah. Oh, here we go. Deep bone. Speak on it. Speak on it, CPK. How's it going? Yeah, I was a, for like nine months, my senior year in high school, I was a waitress at CPK. Hell yeah.

It was a great gig. I made so much money for like an 18 year old. It was like 20 bucks an hour, which felt like insane. And I haven't had California Pizza Kitchen since. Yeah. But here's the big question. Did Ian bring that up? Did California Pizza Kitchen invent barbecue chicken pizza?

They did. Yeah. Hell yeah. They did. i was just a waitress so they i never made the pizza but they did every time they had something new on the menu they would have us like stay after work and try it so i got to like sounds amazing try like the mac and cheese bites and and all that junk yeah no i've scraped so much of the half-eaten cbk off plates into trash that now the smell of it, it makes me nauseous. I can't do it.

I haven't had it since I liked it a lot. Who got, you got barbecue chicken pizza? Yeah. Carl did, yeah. It's funny. The day I graduated college, my parents were like, you just graduated college. We'll take you anywhere you want to eat. And I was like, CPK.

Yeah, it's a great place. And I ate there all the time it wasn't like uh but yeah i probably haven't had it since i was you know it's 2006 but uh it does rule it rules uh i have a cake in the oven oh yeah this is great thanks for letting me dip in good to see you cake oh my god cake what a what a fun thing to hear um i have a cake in the oven so yeah i'm gonna get back that's the reason cake in the oven so yeah i'm gonna get back to it that's reason to leave any situation yeah yeah i'm gonna start using that i got a cake in the oven i got a cake i got a split i got a cake and then she undersold it too it's a low quad upside

down cake of course yeah yeah obviously from our backyard you are saying pics real nice little saturday shaping up over there i know you got a little saturday pesto dude get out of here little loquat pesto i knew i knew loquat pesto dude yeah you can squat 800 pounds i believe you met my attorney loquat pesto loquat pesto and levine they specialize in fruit law. Fruit tort and fruit tart. Fruit tort. Come on. I mean, I was in the DA's office for a while, but then I just, you know, fruit law is where all the money is.

I mean, do you want to buy or do you want to rent for the rest of your life? Come on. Sean Jordan, it's time for you to buy your third pick. My third pick, I'm going gonna pick seasoned potatoes oh yes dude almost went with potato yeah me too like the thin sliced kind of yeah yeah yeah like uh yeah just like dollar you know little dollar coin little slices of potato they're great even like a roasted potato like a roasted like where it's got some you know you got a three a third dimension to your pizza there all of a sudden uh-huh come on yeah man it's delicious you go to like pizza schmitz they're always cooking up fun

stuff like that in portland that's a real place oh yeah in portland it's you go get the funky i thought you were just making a place up like oh yeah pizza schmitz we got pizza schmitz out there we got hot lips we got uh i absolutely need to go to pizza schmitz there's sizzle pie there's baby doll baby doll dude portland is like a fucking pizza city a lot of pizza yeah there's a lot of pizza places and they're pretty good pizza jerk up there pizza schmitz is real dank they get i you know i don't want to dive in too much but they they'll they'll play some serious jazz on their pizza and it's fun yeah because you go in and like they always have the traditional but sometimes you're like

whoa sure with whatever they got you know obviously with it obviously i'm gonna have that one that you had to pull out of the vault and then a piece of pep in case this one sucks but oh yeah most most like pizza innovation has like happened in america obviously pizza is like from naples but like you know italian americans really like made pizza what it is today but the best potato pizza that I've had was in Rome, where David and I have visited. Yeah, we go there. It's like an Italian thing, pizza con patate, and it's that really thin-shaved,

and then it's like a white sauce. So we're not talking marinara. We're talking Alfredo? It's a white slice. Not an Alfredo, but like that, but really light. The whole thing's very light. The potatoes are super, super thin, and it was like one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So good. I love a light, in general, pizza. Really, really good. I like it airy in the crust, all that. These food drafts, they really, really make me hungry. I know.

I'm starving now. I'm starving. I'm so excited to eat. This is tight. Yeah, potatoes. Gotta have them. Potatoes. Potatoes.

I got my third and then my fourth picks. Boy, we're flying through it. Man, okay. It's getting hard now. It's getting hard. Especially because I have some things I really do want to get. I think I got to go. Want to get bent?

What was that? I told David I asked if he wanted to get bent pretty funny i hated it fucking dick pretty good i can hate it fuck you david pretty fucking good did not like it i gotta go slightly bougie here i don't even know how bougie it really is but i gotta play i'm putting a roasted garlic on a pizza oh yeah yeah like a whole very good pick yeah fucking like yeah whole clove yeah whole clove garlic yeah and it's like it's maybe like roasted balsamic vinegar and then you just bite into oh you know it's about to murder your breath yeah i don't care you don't give a shit i've never cared i feel like this shit is good this shit is gonna make my breath smell so bad my room's gonna smell weird tomorrow i don't care at all there's a thing about garlic breath though garlic

to me smells good if a girl had garlic on her breath i'd be like i like this yeah we we live we live similar lives yeah this coming from the guy that drank four liters of wine in college sure i want to make out with garlic breath i love garlic and you know she's not a vampire exactly win win i want to make out with garlic breath go say that in a bar anyone in here got garlic breath let's get out of here baby it's one of those things it's as garlic breath is as hot as the person who has it you know what i mean if it's somebody hot has garlic breath it's not dissuading me even a little bit long story short i had a girl one time uh kissed me with a uh pouch of chew in her mouth that's just gnarly that's just a power move is what that is yeah there is you were that is so that's a sioux fall

suplex right there there were so many wrong moves you made to get to that point that's where you have to reevaluate your whole life. I really shortened up the story, but yeah, the whole story is littered with bad moves. You put yourself in that position. Nothing about that is good. I don't want to victim blame here, but yeah.

I got to give a shout out to Cart Driver in Denver. Very good pizza. They have a slice that features whole roasted garlic cloves with clams and ham. Oh, my God. Really? And really, really good pizza. It comes with a big lemon thing to squeeze on it right before you eat it.

Oh, that sounds so good. Very strong. If you're ever in Denver, check out Cart Driver. If you get like a roasted balsamic vinegar and then like some ricotta and they're sharing a pizza, you know what I mean? Just use other picks to throw in there there maybe some of the sausage with a little fennel in there it's fucking yeah hard to beat that i'm all for it i'm all for it nothing's better stuff is only as good you know what i mean sean you like garlic right love it yeah love it it's so fucking good i will yeah i love it. It's funny because Laura's dad hates it.

Like he can't even smell it. He can't be in the room. He's a fucking vampire. He would not do well in Jersey at all. Wait, doesn't that mean? Wait, is Laura a vampire? Is Maxine? No, it's.

Is she the link? It's matrilineal. It's Judaism. It's matrilineal. Vampirism is like Judaism. It's matrilineal it's like judaism vampirism is like judaism it's matrilineal so laura's mom's a vampire she's a vampire and laura's a vampire but if not you're you're okay and maxine is blade like david yeah either way maxine's blade yeah and that means you're kenny rogers i don't remember the movie as well. It's Kenny Rogers. No, Chris Christopherson. It's Kenny Rogers.

Kenny Rogers. Now here's the thing about vampires. You gotta know when to hold them. And you gotta know when to fold them. Vampires love my signature chicken. When I meet a real mean one, I just play the gambler and it calms them down.

And then I murder them. Kenny Rogers. Oh boy. Shout out to Kenny Rogers. We stopped at the Duty Free store and I heard there was a baby crying in the bathroom. No, I heard a baby crying in the bathroom and I almost started crying. That's how much I miss Maxine. I just wanted to throw that in there. Sean Jordan's tall ass daughter,

Maxine Jordan. She's a woman. I'm using that a little bit when you said that you're like maxine sounds like a secretary that's had it up to here i started doing a joke where i'm like people ask if we have a boy or a girl and i say we don't we have a woman named maxine that's hilarious that's very good it's a funny guy sean jordan i try it's a funny guy that's sean j. He'll get you. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm in a good mood. Oh, shit. He'll get you. I like that you moved the computer. Oh, shit. Wait, let me.

Folks, he's dancing. You can't see. He's dancing. Let me flip it into good mood. Time for my fourth pick, which we'll get to right after we take another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, you figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley, alright?

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And we're back. Welcome back to All all fantasy everything a podcast already in progress my name is ian carmel i just made my third pick and i'm about to make my fourth can you put lotion on your pizza i wouldn't advise it sunscreen sunscreen I went high culture with my last pick I'm about to go about as low culture as you can go no I'm taking ranch dressing yeah I knew it had to get it arguably

a first round pick I'm getting here in the fourth round I swear to god my buddy aaron was the first person to do that but i'm sure everybody thinks that about their one buddy i think no way i were at lunch and i'm like he was dipping in ranch and i was like holy buckets this is like 96 97 maybe i mean the ranch boom started in what 92 93 that's a great question i don't think it started till like 2000 honestly the ranch boot no i remember they pushed they started pushing yeah when did they start pushing ranch i i i feel like the midwest is heavier on ranch usage than the coasts

not that ranch isn't universally beloved i didn't see anyone dip ranch a dip pizza in ranch until i moved away from philadelphia because i'm saying and maybe people do it there now but like that was just not something we did you couldn't get ranch at like hardy's or arby's or anywhere before 2000 i swear that's no that's hidden valley was around in the 90s and ranch was invented for salads in the late 90s, and ranch was invented like... It was for salads. In the late 1980s, ranch started to appear as a dip, and in 1992, ranch overtook Italian as America's most popular salad dressing. What did I say? Hold on. What did I say about the ranch food?

No, no, no. That's for salad, though. I said 92. Yeah, but that's not... He said a dip. Right. I'm screaming. When could you get it?

When could you go to, like, Dairy Queen, somewhere where they do not have salad on the menu and get ranch dressing blizzard? As a, yeah, fuck, don't threaten me. With your chicken tendies? Get a little ranch with the tendies? Yeah, when could you do that? Because to me, that's when ranch took off.

In 1949, Thayer, Nebraska native Steve Henson moved with his wife to the Anchorage, Alaska area where he worked as a plumbing contractor for three years in the remote Alaskan bush. A sturdy couple. Endeavoring to keep his work crews happy, he invented a new salad dressing. Henson's success in the plumbing business enabled him to retire at age 35. This articles everywhere. My boys need dip. They're out here working on the pipes. Yeah, 35. So he invented in Alaska and then he retired at 35 and they moved with his wife to Santa Barbara.

And after a year and a half, the restless Henson, searching for some livelihood to occupy his time, purchased the Sweetwater Ranch in San Marcos Pass and renamed it Hidden Valley Ranch. That's the Hidden Valley, baby. It's a real place. He renamed it Hidden Valley Ranch. That's fun. Wow.

In creating the menu for the ranch kitchen, Henson served the salad dressing he had created in Alaska, which the guests enjoyed. How about that i mean this man's a pioneer he's a hero there should be a statue of him this guy's name what was that show was that show where three six his wife was on there making oh god whipped cream and hollywood what was it it was like it was whipped cream out of ranch and sugar that's right that's right it was not his wife was it juicy jay was it juicy jay's like no it was a guy patrice big trees okay cool ranch doritos popped up in 1987 so at that point i think we're reaching like cultural saturation

yeah i'm telling you 96 was not the beginning i'm saying okay all right your friend may have been on the vanguard he may have been on the edge of it i don't know if he created it but he was an early adopter i would how about this if anybody knows when you could start getting ranch at a dairy queen that that's going to be my gauge because that's a dairy queen a dairy queen basis i don't think dairy queen is like the the barometer of this i feel like ian's feeding you the truth and you don't want to take it. I'm not asking when ranch was invented. I'm saying when could you...

When did it get taken over as the top? 92. No, but that's a salad dressing. When was it popularized as a dip at places they don't have salad? But honey mustard's a salad dressing. Every dip is a salad dressing. Mostly.

Not all of them. A lot of them. Olive oil's a salad dressing. Olive oil is a woman, David. She's's married to popeye do not besmirch you're acting like a real bluto right now and what's a bluto i think there's a fight in the hall oh dude i swear to god there's dogs fighting out here go videotape it for sean kyle just texting me he's like are there dogs fighting i I don't know. Hotels can get wild, man. It's funny. Oh, yeah.

You never know. It's supposed to be peaceful. Well, hotel everybody, even the mayor. Hotel these nuts. Oh, man. She told the mayor. Sean, time for your fourth pick, dude. I took ranch.

It's delicious. It's fucking like dipping any pizza into a ranch. you're having a good time oh yeah dip every bite though i mean dipping crust yes dipping at the end yes if you're dipping every single bite i'm i i like it there i like it is like do you like ranch or do you like pizza do you like ranch yeah i like my first bite sounds raunch i like my second bite with some ranch and then I'll dip the crust. Yeah, crust. It's a must. I'll dip the whole thing.

It's a must for that crust. Since I thought you were going to go this way and I'm happy that you didn't, but since you picked ranch for my fourth pick, I got to pick hot sauce. It's just gotta. Yeah. Strong. Now, this would make you think that I don't like pizza when you see how much hot sauce I might put on it because you're like, what you but to be fair that's anything that you put

hot sauce on it is but sometimes when i'm when i'm eating pizza and it's i'm just like well that's almost rude and it's what am i even getting pizza for that's why i get cheese pizza a lot is because i'm like there's no point in spending the extra dollar to get hot sauce into your body absolutely yeah and it's a lot of times i like to have a couple because on the slice you can have like a runnier hot sauce but then the crust you need like a sriracha or something that's advanced tactics well i guess you get sriracha no you get well it's you know now that you get whatever now that you get sriracha can i just say a tombstone pizza ranch dressing sriracha yeah dude garlic sauce on the bottom garlic sauce

jalapenos on it on a sunday the ultimate freezer pizza you're having a great time on a sunday we're watching the town forget about it we're watching one of my movies the 45 minutes off a microwave quesadilla fire up the town yep hey ian you want to watch the town of course i want to watch the town yeah yeah yeah oh i had never seen inside man i got to treat it a little uh that movie fucking ripped so fucking good guy it's always good murders it who is it jody foster jody fosterodie Foster, dude. Jodie Foster freeze. We're like, there's something going on with you, Jodie Foster. You're crooked. It's fun. That movie rules.

Yeah, hot sauce. It's not pretty basic. I go pretty hard in the paint with it. And I love it. You're a hot sauce man from way back. I sweat. Sometimes Laurel should be like, why do you do it so much that you sweat? I'm like, it's me. It's not your pizza. It's mine.

So I love it when people ask a question like that, where it's like, you're clearly doing something kind of stupid. And you're like, what do you want me to do? Yeah. Why are you such a bitch? I don't know. I have a question for you. Let me, let me answer your question with a question.

Why are you harshing my mellow? You're not looking for information. You're looking, you're not looking for information. You're looking for humiliation. You know what's happening. You know I know what's happening. Look at me and dunk like that? All right.

I'm sweating. You're not the only one with handles. I also poop sometimes. You want to bring that up? I got to get some information on you and come back over the top i don't want to do that hot yeah hot sauce great hot saucerman carl time for your fourth pick all right well this one this one's a little unorthodox but you gave me barbecue chicken you gave me an inch i'm taking a mile but this actually works because it is one single thing so the topping is steak but i need i need to qualify this because this is this is a thing that's not common but i

grew up loving it and it'd be my favorite thing so it's cheesesteak pizza and here and here's how it operates there's no sauce i feel like there's five picks coming at us right now there's no there's no there's no sauce on this pie so you have bread you have steak and cheese and then you have another layer of bread over the top of the pizza it's a sandwich it's a calzone but it's a pizza did you just find a way to draft a cheesesteak it's cheesesteak pizza and and it's the topping is steak because it's just cheese and steak is it a situation or is it a provolone? It's usually just like, I think it was like a mozzarella provolone mix. Okay.

But it was like very, it sounds like crazy, like cheesesteak pizza, but it was very like simple. All right. Sounds amazing to me. The thin layer of breading over the top of the pizza really made it because it's like the steak would be between two pieces of breading like it would be with a cheesesteak. Like a sandwich. So it's not sliding everywhere like a child in the backseat of an Oldsmobile. It's not just a pizza covered in steak. It's not chaos. It's refined.

It's contained. Gotta give a shout out to Bell Italia, my neighborhood slice joint growing up. It's still there, baby. Bell Italia, Ardmore, Pennsylvania. And it's still to this day, I don't know, maybe it's the power of nostalgia, but it's like one of my top pizzas of all time.

Sbarro used to sell pizza with a roof on it, didn't they? Yeah, I think so. I think they did. It's like, I mean, isn't that a calzone? Like, do you just make a big calzone and put it into slices? Oh, this was, you know, this was flat. This was circular. calzone's basically just a folded guy yeah i get that she's doing that sounds amazing i let i've been guilty of

that where i'll get a slice and i'll just i'll put some shit from other stuff on it and try to balance it on the slice until it gets up there you know so it's nice to have a jacket on it like that is it st louis that has the fucking insane pizza with a weird cheese mix what what is the st louis pizza i don't know i thought they yeah it has to be provell cheese which is a processed cheese that blends cheddar swiss and provolone somebody get murphy lee or key one or courtney b or whatever their names are get them on the phone get one of them key on where are you getting that pizza? Are you dying? I'm baking it, actually. Well, Rhode Island has its own pizza? Whoa.

Yeah, New Haven, Connecticut has a really strong pizza scene. They call it a pizza for whatever reason. They added an A to the beginning. Keep talking. I got to go talk to a dude building a garden box for me. Oh, shit. Huge Saturday at the Carmel household. Jesus. What is going on over there?

A garden box is being constructed? Ian's going to buy some cocaine. He just ordered a pizza. He's getting it in the background. He's getting a box. What? This guy's building a garden box for me out there. I got to go see a man about a garden box.

I don't know if I've ever paid anybody to build something for me. Yeah, I absolutely have. I'm about like so I think foolishly that I can do all this stuff. We just bought the crib and the yard. I was like, we can maintain this and I'm realizing I would just absolutely rather have somebody maintain it who knows what they're doing.

Yeah, I want that. I want to be able to chill in the yard. Yeah. Yeah, I think think like the weeds i want them to be like manageable and i say i'm gonna go pick them but i don't you know i don't i i was like i'm gonna pick 50 a day and even that is like i don't do it that takes maybe 10 minutes if you're gonna do it you gotta just be like i'm gonna do it it has to be total war you can't yeah you can't like you can't piece by piece that shit we did it when we were moving out of the old crib i spent like three days probably i had to rip up all the grass in this certain part of the yard and all the weeds and i like clocked in for three days like i don't know 10 hours probably you need to call in a professional you need to call in a

hitter you know yeah you gotta call in or get a kid. Hit one of the local kids. 20 bucks? Yeah, weed whacking. Yeah, that's a good call. Although I do like weed whacking. It's like power washing. Oh, we got a Ryobi weed whacker. It's so fun. I like making that little line in between the sidewalk and the yard

where it's like a tiny little ditch. You feel like a barber lining up the lot. You're like, ooh, this is Chris. You just step back and you're like, I did that to the yard. I made the yard look dang I'm back I had to go feel like less of a man for about 35 seconds oh yeah do whatever you want did you hear me

no that's exactly what I said all you man I used to one summer I was building picket fences for all these commoners and it would just be a bunch of old guys coming out doing that with us fucking tom sawyer over here yeah it'd be like old guys like oh yeah yeah what are you you got a you got a post hole digger okay i'm gonna go back in the wife is nagging me i'm a man what i'm capable of is offering you lacroix that's where i can bring

the situation would you guys love it when these dudes they walk me through what's going on because we've had like we just got a new dishwasher. We had to get our bathroom vents hooked up to the roof and stuff and they'll be like so come on over to the roof. I'll show you what's going on and I go sure we can do the song and dance that's fine. He's going to slide off the fridge my friend.

I mean I don't know why you think you have to tell me. I trust you. Just go ahead and fix it. But all right. He thinks you know the terms. So this is insulation, huh? Don't touch that is what I've learned. It'll make my mouth itchy. You need to do this now so you can fuck your wife later.

Fine. It's so funny because I'm just like, I don't know what you're talking about, dude. I'd rather be watching Mad Men down there like I was. Oh, manid time for your fourth pick and your fifth and your final book uh my fourth pick this is gonna turn a lot of people off probably but i had to pick it because it took me so long to overcome the stigma and once i did i was so happy that i had tried it i'm picking anchovies yes oh absolutely i love it like if they're really good and like because sometimes they'll go too heavy-handed on it but especially with like a ricotta and then anchovy on just a little bit is anchovy is it is it seriously like a little it's not right it's like a you spread it's like a little it's like a little filet it's like a little

it's like a little filet though it's not like the action you don't see the face and shit right it's like a you spread it's like a little it's like a little filet it's like a little it's like a little filet though it's not like the action you don't see the face and shit right it's like like a tiny little filet no that's just from the ninja turtles i've never seen it i don't think in real life i don't think i've ever seen they're so salty and good dude yeah they're just really tiny i like it like when i was in and I'll tell oh man Ian if you go to Nice France you should go to the little market at the outdoor market there they had these anchovy fillets that were

like with infused truffle oil and we just bought bread and just put a piece on the french bread and like pour a little butter on there oh my god the shit was fucking amazing i love anchovies anchovy filet yeah yeah so yeah and yeah on pizza once because for so many years everybody's like yeah and then i actually tried it and i was like this is we're done right it's

pretty amazing dude yeah we didn't know we were yucking yeah i i blame like like popular culture and maybe the ninja turtles for like it was instilled in us at a young age like ooh anchovies gross it's like no yeah anchovies are great yeah it was like an 80s yeah 80s movies or whatever even they'd be like anchovies and everyone's like it became like a fucking like meme or like a punch line yeah yeah and it wasn't fair because anchovies are delicious anchovies are delicious with extra anchovies you're a booger and barf pizza with extra anchovies stop it chad you know that's like every 80s movie anchovies and Redondo. Raging Bull, that happened in?

That was his fucking... That was my favorite. You name it. Dude. Howard's End, it happened in all of them. Oh, man. Anchovies, great pick. Yeah.

And then for my lightning round, I got to pick a vegetable. Pretty easy one. I'm picking spinach. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, I like spinach on pizza yeah wild card yeah yeah you like it wilted or do you like what's your what's your move i like it wilted i like it like baked baked into it yeah yeah yeah i like it though that could be really good yeah like a

spinach i tolerate it i don't like i don't the spinach have like a taste i i don't mind it but it doesn't taste like anything to me i feel like my draft was a direct affront to you specifically. And I'm sorry, Sean. You slapped me in the face five times just now. Spinach with a ricotta and a white sauce is like very good. That could be very good. And like garlic, like the whole clove garlic white sauce ricotta spinach. That's a good slice.

The caprese, all that stuff, man. I love it. Yeah. Delicious. Spinach. Espinaca. that's a good dream pie the caprese all that stuff man i love it yeah delicious spinach espinaca carl time for your last pick i'm going veggie as well and i'm shocked that this has not been picked yet i mean it's more of a it's almost more of a like uh like a complimentary player a side player who works out with others but stands very strong on its own i'm gonna say i'm going fucking onion baby i was thinking that shit yeah yeah i was thinking that i that was gonna be my last pick i think sausage and onion might be like an ultimate pizza for me but even if you just get a

good plain slice with like nice roasted onion on it oh fucking delicious a caramelized onion i don't even need peppers i like peppers but like it's all about the onion for me. Yeah. Onion over peppers for sure too. A pickled red onion on the right pizza. Ooh, come on. Ooh. Yeah. That's advanced tactics.

Um, getting that acid splashing through there. You're having a good time. Yeah. And obviously works well on, on so many, uh, so many scenarios.

Sean's pissed. I got nothing to say. It's like watching someone, I don't know, make a huge mistake make out with my ex or something i'm just like a huge mistake the pizza with just onion sounds so insane to me yeah it's delicious yeah i that's i was i had it on my list i don't i like it i think i like an onion flavor i don't know i like like sour cream and onion dip and shit, but onions to me, they're putrid.

What about caramelized onions? Again, I can tolerate them. If you were to give me something and sneak some caramelized onions in there and not tell me, I probably wouldn't even notice. What about on a burger? Onion jam? Oh, man.

That sounds horrible. Do you eat raw onions on burgers, though? Like on a Whopper or something? You don't even do that? No. Oh, onion jam. Oh, man. That sounds horrible. No way. Do you eat raw onions on burgers, though? Like on a Whopper or something? You don't even do that? No. Those are the worst. I had onion rings last night because that's what I was tossed.

What about that McDonald's burger where they're all minced up? You know, like the classic McDonald's hamburger. That's the worst kind of onion to me. Oh, I love that. Oh, I love that on a hot dog. I mean, we're talking about... Clearly, we're hungry. We're just talking about food david you like plain you like plain hot dogs david you don't i i was with you in chicago and you ordered two plain hot dogs i don't like plain glizzies that was just what life threw at me that day thank you glizzies oh man it was a bad scene

we were doing a live show in chicago and david the whole time was pushing for us to go to chicago dog we went to some like bougie restaurant the whole time, was pushing for us to go to Chicago, dog. We went to some bougie restaurant. The whole time, David was like, I just want a Chicago dog. I just want a Chicago dog. We ran out of time. We had to go to the venue. David postmated from the Wiener Circle, I think, from a classic Chicago hot dog.

Yeah, it was a good spot. And you had to add all the topics individually. And David didn't know that. To what was labeled, in David's defense, to what was labeled a Chicago dog you had to then add individually now that just doesn't make any sense that doesn't make any sense because the Chicago dog is a set thing right all the stuff I want the celery salt

I want all the bullshit so the delivery guy turns up with two naked glizzies you're staring down the barrel of a double barrel and then somebody ordered him one though right it was a bad day yeah somebody ordered him one, though. It was a bad day. Yeah, and then somebody ordered me one from the stage, which was the coolest. That's amazing.

I do really like how extra they get. It's like there's tomato slices in there. There's like a whole pickle. I'm like, I love this. Yeah, me too. And again, we wonder why this guy felt like he could talk at the show last night. All I'm saying is...

You're cultivating a rowdy fandom guys. You're reaping what you're sowing. Yeah. We have to, we can't shirk our responsibility and all of those were culpable. Uh, Sean Jordan, time for your final pick.

Uh, shout out Ian's pizza and Madison Mac and cheese, baby. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a great, it's a great fifth pick. Mac and cheese, baby. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, it's a great fifth pick. I love it.

I feel like you when Carl picked onions. I don't. Every time I have it, I'm like, this is lame. Oh, no. And like CCs or whatever. I don't like it. I don't like it. It's the best.

It's pasta on bread. It's insane. That's not, man. World's on fire dude enjoy it while you can fair you know teach his own too teach his own that's the way he likes it and he never gets bored when i have it it is at ian's pizza in madison after performing at comedy on state so it's always it's always about the same kind of night you're talking about a terroir here situation you're talking about the whole land yeah it's uh i mean i wanted to pick it first but i knew it would it would have not gone over that well so

i waited till fifth and uh you guys baby it's a nice end of the end of the draft pick return of the mac dude right at the end there all right uh time for my final pick oh there's so many good ones there are there are a lot left on beats is still there you want to pick beats pizza put a piece of pizza on the pizza i've had some good uh top top it with another piece dude they do that in buenos aires they put uh they they they have this chickpea thing that they cut into a slice and they put it on their pizza slice and they eat them together it's crazy awesome wow i like that it's pretty good all right being our fucking worldview i'm gonna take it uh i actually prefer this to a jalapeno i'm taking the banana pepper the pepper yes yeah of course they're a little sweeter they're a little less spicy i like the i like

it's a different bite it's a nicer nicer color. Honestly, it's like a Kong more brighter. I eat that all day. Yeah. I think that's a great pick. That's my final pick. I just love that. I love a little spicy bite on there. That wraps us up.

Marissa, what is it? Do you have a pick for a pizza topping? Nothing that's still left on the board. So I'm going to back David's anchovy pick, but only on the side because sometimes there's like too many anchovies on the pizza and it gets way, way too salty.

You need to control the distribution. Exactly. I got to control the distribution of salt. Good call. It's a nuance. Her pick is a nuance and that's what you get from a Marissa Mel like a fucking seasoned podcast professional. To recap,

David, you went first. You took pepperoni, pesto, ricotta, anchovies, and spinach. Carl, you went second. You took plain, no toppings. A fucking connoisseur's move. Fried egg, barbecue chicken, cheesesteak, and onion. Sean, you went

third. You took bacon, jalapeno, a nice seasoned potato, hot sauce, and macaroni and cheese good dicks yeah i went last i took a italian sausage mushrooms roasted garlic ranch dressing and banana peppers oh yeah you left some good ones on the board yeah really really good picks all around green peppers yeah green all the olives are left olives yeahives, yeah. Oh, yeah, olives. Chorizo. Yeah, balsamic. Blue cheese. Red pepper flakes, dude.

Hot honey is popular these days. Not for me, but hot honey's big. Yeah, dude. What is hot honey? What is this? That's a Bojo's Colorado-style pizza. They always serve it with- Hot honey will give you a Bojo, dude. That's what you're looking for.

Is it spicy? Is the honey spicy? Yeah. Yeah, Calabrian Chili's in the honey. Roberta's in Brooklyn, and they've opened in LA in the last few years. They pioneered that, and it's become like a – I see it everywhere now. I don't love it, but I get it.

Yeah. I love it. I've never even seen it, and I love it. The aforementioned prosciutto, meatballs, arugula. Meatball is a great – Meatball is a tier A topping, I think. It's underutilized. Yeah, they're so good.

Shout out to Mike Malloy. He loves putting meat – Every time he gets pizza, he's always like, what do we want, meatballs? I had shepherd's pie pizza in Sioux Falls last time I was there. It was so good. Are the mashed potatoes spread? What are we talking here?

Yeah, it was like mashed potato. Really, it was shepherd's pie on saucy bread. Is it a gravy base rather than a hot tomato? Yeah, no sauce, right? You know, I don't know. It really felt like shepherd's pie on bread. I would love to try that. It was so good.

I have to say it. It didn't get picked, but pineapple. Yeah. I feel like everyone kind of hates on pineapple. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like pineapple. I don't like it. I't like i do like it if

it's done right you know i always take it off and i eat it so if i get pineapple canadian bacon or whatever i always take the pineapple off and eat it before i eat the slice hot honey is good with a pineapple canadian bacon and pineapple yes i can see that yeah you get the saltiness you get the sweetness you get a little spiciness there. Canadian bacon didn't do that. No, it didn't. Yeah. Can't believe Mars didn't go to bat for it. Oh, no.

American bacon is superior. Whoa. She said it, not us. Say it loud. That's what I'm talking about. Somebody's about to get deported. Feta cheese is good There's just so many

Alfredo sauce Alfredo, Sean Jordan, big Alfredo guy Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit The AFE shaslackity Shout out to St. Sue Carmel

Shout out to Haji Beats Shout out to Frankie Ocean Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaslackity! that was a hate gun podcast