All Fantasy Everything - Places to Go on a First Date (w/ Dulcé Sloan, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: May 28, 2020

What’s cracking all family! Remember first dates?! Well so do we! Those days will return! But until they do, we’re joined by your favorite and ours, Daily Show correspondent Dulce Sloan as we draft “Places To Go On A First Date!” Get ready, this gets REAL cute! Stay safe and happy Thursday y’all. Episode Guest:Dulcé Sloan @DulceSloan IG: @DulceSloanCheck out her new podcast: That Blackass Show.Support the show!Sponsors:Hawthorne - Use promo code ALLFANTASY for 10% off your first purchase at Hawthorne.co.Feals - Become a member today by going to Feals.com/allfantasy and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping.Hims - Try hims today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to forhims.com/allfantasy5.Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything in pop culture, from bucket list items to birds and everything in between. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. On today's episode, we're drafting places to go on a first date, because once all of this is over, we're probably going to end up going on a lot of first dates. Our special guest today is Dulce Sloan. She's a comedian, actor, and correspondent on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, and she has a new podcast called That Black-Ass Show on Starburns. As always,

we're joined by Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get to it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is currently being recorded on Zoom, and it kind of looks like the Brady Bunch opening credits. It does. It does look nice. Right? I like it. Gallery view. We got a family vibe going what up sean yeah just so and shane shane's on my background again shane you're here with my fingers in your mouth right now

shane's with us it's the guy fieri it's the guy fieri shane torres art or as sean calls it guy fee harry there it is is shane harry and gary payton yeah he's harry dude oh harry payton is that what you said harry Guy Fee Harry. There it is. Is Shane Harry? Gary Payton or Sean Kemp. Yeah, he's Harry, dude. Oh, Harry Payton. Is that what you said? No, I said Gary Payton or Sean Kemp, but Harry Payton indeed.

Yeah. He's not Harry. His head is Harry, but his body is not. I don't think he's hairy enough to be called a hairy guy. Within 45 seconds, we're talking about Shane's body hair. I don't think he's a hairy guy. Well, I'm just saying, like, I think I have like, I would bet, I think I have more body hair than Shane.

Yeah. Yeah, Shane's got nothing on the chest. I'm a hairy guy. It's, I mean, you can't Yeah, it's like every... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a dollar around here I can shake at the camera. Go ahead, take it off. Take it off. I'll take that. Let me see the dollar first. I was brushing my teeth the other

day i have a white chest hair that oh really yeah oh yeah i was not i was not ready for it i like salt and pepper chest hair i think it looks cool i don't like my salt and pepper hair in my head i don't mind the temples but like salt and pepper chest hair that's like some like 1970s sexy guy stuff i just never saw it coming i love a salt and pepper situation and what's so funny is that my mom thought she would have more gray because like my grandma passed like when she was in her 60s and her hair was mostly black yeah so my mom who at the time i think was like 51 was like i don't have enough uh gray hair she would call me every time she found one. And I was like,

I don't think I need to be in on this. And so she just was one day. She was like, fuck it. And she got an all white wig. Right. Oh yeah. So she had an all white wig,

but it was like short and kind of finger wavy. So this was like new year's day. I think I can't remember. It was like 2012 or some shit. And so we go and meet up with my aunties and my cousins to go have breakfast on New Year's Day. This lady has on this all white wig, but then she has on like this light blue velour outfit.

That's pretty cool. And then a light blue purse, right? And she got mad at me because when we were at breakfast, I told her she looked like Jack Frost. It's also like a Smurf outfit. I mean, she looked good because she had like a white turtleneck and then this more

outfit and then like this ice blue purse. Like she looked amazing. But also she looked like Mrs. Jack Frost. And I said this to her and she said, switch seats. She made me get up and switch seats with my cousin, who had a baby with her, had her daughter with her. And she's like, get up. And I was like, my mama, I'm just, I wasn't trying to be rude.

You look pretty. She said, yet. Listen, I get it. And she made me switch seats with my cousin because I told her she looked like Jack Frost and I was just like I just wish you would have just told me so I could have wore all red and then I could have what is it the Meister man

Heatmiser you guys could have been fire and ice right just shutting down the IHOP on Camp Creek Parkway Big Red Dentine just walked in hell yeah William Flame Boy. You see what I'm saying? Just shutting down the IHOP on Camp Curry Parkway. You see what I'm saying? Big Red Dentine just walked in.

Hell yeah! The nigga should have caught me because I had a black wig with red highlights in it. I knew it was a cute wig because my white boss

told me that I couldn't wear it to work anymore so I knew that I was popping and rolling. You know, just out here just giving a real look, a real vibe,

a real campaign. No, that's happened to me at work a lot. When they told you you couldn't wear your wig? No, a real campaign. No, that's happened to me at work a lot. When they told you come with your wigs. No, I was just kidding. It's never happened to me.

Can I tell you though? Oh, this is so funny. Cause wigs just came up. I was in the liquor store the other day and I smelled a wig and it made me miss my mom. Like, I don't know how to, you know, that's what that smell is. And like, there was no no and nobody was in there that was the weird thing so i was just in there and i was like does it smell like wig in here and then i called my mom like 20 minutes later you were like a wigs been in the air like like a tracker from the 1600s i'm like the bone collector for wigs i like leaned down and like tasted the

earth I like leaned down and like tasted the earth. A black woman's been in here. Moscato. Two bottles. Why? Man. Moscato. I can't do it, man. I prefer Riesling.

Did you say what's Moscato? Yeah. Nigga juice? It's very sweet. All right. It's a very sweet wine. We can stop traffic right there. That's fine.

I'm sorry. I realize I'm not going to be able to dive too far into the conversation. Laura, think about having some Moscato at dinner tonight. What do you think? Sean, what's Moscato? Let me call Dulce real quick. I can't say it. He's got to have me on the phone in the liquor store.

I have to call Dulce and Ian because he's got two words I can't say. You can't say juice? Juice. I don't know the rules. Wait, Ian, are you Jewish? 100%. Oh, she hit it. Yes.

Yes, it's that kind of podcast. Oh, man. We're firing all cylinders here. 10, 10. I got a perfect 50 in the dunk contest right there. You know a team is really good when they're racking up assists. You know what I mean? That's true team's true team chemistry the ball's got energy you know what i mean dude i've been hitting up david more than once since this fucking quarantine started like dude

let me do the podcast because i listen to it i'm telling you all the time it's like you know i wake up you know listen to my gospel music especially if i'm cleaning up or it's a sunday uh then manny fresh and like little john and dj and so i listen to that it's really good it's really good yeah because everyone's like oh are you gonna watch but i did not watch the verses with erica erica badu and jill scott i did not watch that what well one i'm okay two i think erica badu is a witch don't do that don't do that don't do that to me i understand what you're saying don't be like that this is a campaign you don't you can't be like that no no i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna tell you the real campaign what it is what it is right you just said she's a witch yeah i got the campaign

listen i'm not trying to be disrespectful to the woman i know who she prays to i know what god she served i'm just saying she be burning shit okay here's my altar in her house i'm not trying to disrespect the ladies here's the furthest you're gonna get me me to go on this. Okay. Yeah. Do I think that she believes in the one true Christian God? No. I think it's a different thing. Yeah. That's a different thing. You don't dress like that if you only believe in the God of Abraham.

No. That's the thought. Listen, me and Ian fucking with the same God, baby. Okay. That's true. It is the same God. It is the same God. It is the same God. People need to remember that.

So, all I'm saying, and also, I'm not really into that, like, really neo soul. I like Jill Scott. I like both of them. But I didn't want to set a fucking vibe in my house. Because they usually got a real fucking vibe. Like a real, like, we getting, like, we finna make love in this bitch. Like, we finna catch some real D in this hoe and

Erykah Badu is a witch and Jill Scott also probably has some rare incenses you know what I mean like that's also not a house that like smells like an ankle candle you guys are crazy no you know good and damn well when Erykah Badu don't buy incense

where you buy incense. No, it is a special, yeah. She got to go to the back of the store. You see what I'm saying? It's from a country that used to be called something different. Right. Like in the 90s where Eastern Europe

and African countries, the name changed every 15 minutes so you couldn't have a math in school. Like she's like, I got this from what is now mauritania right but what i call babylon right this bitch got incense from rhodesia like that is the place oh man oh you ain't gonna get me. Guys, if you're listening, though, listen to the Erica. It was like, it was beautiful. I'm sure it was amazing.

But they set in a vibe of like seduction. And in my house, we got a real vibe of lonely. I don't need no new vibes in here. You see what I'm saying? Ain't no dick coming. First of all, that's not true. It's a quarantine. only niggas that call listen the only means is that be calling your girl trying to check on me one is one of my friends

two lives in canada three the other one lives in fucking malaysia so the only people what yes malaysia you might need a malaysian connect once this really takes place. This is like a British dude who lives in Malaysia doing stand-up and shit. You know what a sass is? Listen, I'm international, baby. I know people. That's what a hitman would say. Hey, I've been flirting with this man on three continents. You understand? Now four.

We out here, okay? We popping, we rolling. We know people. I mean, David Borey, this is the thing. You got a lot of access to white folks, right? I wouldn't say that's the case. We play it pretty close to the vest around David. David Borey is from Colorado.

Because the thing is, did I ever tell you we used to live in Colorado? I assume Aurora. No, we were in Colorado Springs. Oh, were you in the military or something? Was your mom in the military? My mama's homegirl, her husband was in the military. Tales of Oldest Time. Right.

So when we left Oklahoma, we stayed in Colorado Springs before we moved to Atlanta, right? Yeah. And then we moved back to Miami and we moved back to Atlanta. Anyway, so listen, my mama told me that Colorado Springs was the most racist place she's ever been. And she grew up in the South. She remembered when school integrated. So I don't know what they do in Colorado. Who was your mom?

My mom was like 57. But this was the early 80s, though. So my mom was like, like she said this is a different kind of racism because these white people have never met black people before if that is a different kind of racism also are you drinking japanese beer right now okay wow everybody's just everybody's just gonna i listen i'm not i don't i'm not asking you what you're doing in there come on man I was drinking soju I walked two miles to get fucking soju

So I feel you baby Yeah I'm drinking Japanese beer right now So this Jew is drinking a LaCroix A LaCroix Hey Ian you're supposed to be hooking me up On this Jewish connect dog I might have to give up dog I might have to let y'all niggas go

Oh you do love Jewish men I like men but they the to i think you like men's is i let you know your girl like me this baby i'll line up some i'll line up a fresh new crop of juice for you absolutely i've never said that yeah don't say that i'm gonna fuck with god's chosen people baby but also i like, you know what? Maybe I need to start fucking with Black people. Maybe I need to start fucking. I don't know.

I'm trying to holler at whoever's going to holler at me. I do remember you were doing a set at Bigfoot one time. And you got on stage and you were like, I think you're over with Jews aren't white anymore. When did this happen? And I was like, yes! Ha! Ha! He said it, not me.

Because you were like, what game are we playing? What is the point of this? And I remember seeing people in the audience like kind of getting upset because they were like, no, no, no. It's different. You were like, no, we're not. He's like, you were like, I don't want to play this game.

I don't want to do this with you, motherfucker. Stop it. And I was like, when I say it, that they white, they want to get upset with me becauseuckers stop it and I was like when I say it that they white they want to get upset with me because I made a Portuguese dude in Canada get real upset because I told him he was white and he was like well if you don't fuck do you realize how crazy all these interactions you're like oh yeah I was

twerking for this Malaysian then I was up in Canada telling this Portuguese this Portuguese oh man I'm stressed. What are we drafting? I don't know, man. Portugese.

I'm just so happy to talk to y'all, and I miss y'all so much. I know. This is great. This is fun. And, like, the next time, because I know we were talking about going to Vegas, mainly because we have to do their fried chicken and caviar shit. I don't even know if I like caviar yet. But, I mean, I've had it when a big fan, because it tastes like a salt bomb.

But I'm just like, this is some flossy-ass shit.'s like you gotta do it to do it we gotta do it for the culture yeah on right now is like a marmot he's got it sean what were you listening for just then you were like i'm a busy body now that i've been locked in the house and i think the neighbor's using some loud tools so i was gonna fucking do nothing about it beverages were you showing was that a grape drink and a grape and strawberry soda at the same time? I brought them both down. The person showing

up those drinks, of course, is Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar, Mel Jordan on the gram. Say a word. Word. How are you doing? I'm good, man. Thanks for asking. I'm great. This is fun. I miss everybody. And this is just like a peach for me

did you get any you were looking for some ten and a half Kostin ones on Twitter I saw your internet influence somebody let me know if there's any Kostin ten and a half I think one of those dudes just showed up at Dulce's house

we just ran off. She got up, took off the lavalier. She kind of squealed and then ran to the door, I think. I think a Jew walked by thinking he wasn't white. I've been doing a ton of yard work and looking for shoes on the internet. That's what I've been doing. At a band? Yeah.

That's good times. been doing. At a bad. Yeah. It's fun. Good times. Good times. Don't say what happened. I had to get some water. I was thirsty. But then when I made sure I didn't add to make sure one of my boobs didn't pop out.

All right. Classic Zoom scenario. I mean, I was on one yesterday for a paint party and my friend was just showing her titties because she was just bored. But it was all girls in the paint party. But were like oh would you come on and she was like like no one had time for that when you say paint party we were painting canvases and stuff but naked no she was the only one she wasn't actually painting the bitch was just changing but she was like titties we're just bored and girls are always showing each other their boobs

anyway but i did make this yesterday i'm making my girl a hoop earring with her name in it but she was like titties we're just bored and girls are showing each other their boobs anyway but i did make this yesterday i'm making my girl a hoop earring with her name in it oh that's beautiful so yeah i got all the stuff at the house baby i'm out here making shit oh apparently i'm making rolling trays now so nice i'll take a roll i'd take a rolling tray i don't even roll that's just a tray for a lady. This is my friend, for my friend Derek. Oh, yeah. Nice. If you could make a 40 koozie for Sean, because he doesn't really smoke weed. Yeah.

Just like a big 40 koozie. That'd be dope. Sean, now's the time, except I guess with Laura, it's probably not the time, but like, you should try it now, dude. Laura, we're drinking 40s. Well, I can drink. No, no, no. Weed. I'm talking about the street drug known as marijuana oh the street drug known as marijuana have you ever tried edible i haven't i want to i that's what these guys scare me when i say i want to try it but they're probably right i want to try because i don't i think like every time i try to

like smoke um the the devil's grass yeah or. The devil does make it. You know, or those jazz cigarettes, as the kids like to call it. No, kids don't call that. Come on. No way. Don't. Kids don't say any of this stuff.

Don't put that on the kids. A six-year-old walked by and said, he's smoking a jazz cigarette. Then he tipped his fedora. And he sold me a newspaper for 10 cents and then he died of tuberculosis at the age of 20 turns out Dwight D. Eisenhower which is really sad

because they lost his brother to dysentery I got dysentery once in Africa that sounds right yeah it's fucked up dude the guy who got dysentery once in africa is david borre you know him as the g-style on twitter cool guy there you go that's why you're the host baby i'm a walking tangent dysentery yeah it was so my cousin had we were at my cousin's elementary school graduation and i was like the first few weeks there i was only drinking bottled water yeah and i didn't i ran out of water and i was like fuck it so i just drank some local water yeah oh man it was

it was really it was a really terrible experience also because my aunts are like mad religious so i was on the toilet just like for days and then they would come in there and put bibles on me and like pray it was it was like they would just set them on you and like hand a hand on the bible type thing like they put it on your forehead and they're like hey papa god papa god and then they jesus and then they just dance around yeah while. While you have diarrhea. Yeah. While my asshole is just raw. Your asshole's also saying, Jesus.

I tell you, one of my friends who lived in like the other part of the town I grew up in, in Georgia, he got dysentery. Because he was just drinking. Like, he was just a kid running around outside. He was just a dirty kid. He was just drinking.

I was like, you know, white dude, nice suburban neighborhood. He was like, you know, outside playing, making forts and shit. And he just started drinking out of a random hose from somewhere. You haven't let it run for a while. I partially get hose water is delicious it is listen when it's real hot like when we lived in miami we love when my grandma would turn on the hose because you you know you get sprayed by the hose and then some reason it's the most like when it first comes out no but after a while when it's like been all in the sun and shit and you hot you running, it's refreshing as fuck. Yeah, hot hose water is really good.

David, do you have anything to promote? I have no idea. I'm dropping a mixtape, hot hose water. Spell it how you want. Pay what you will, spell how you want. Yeah, don't worry about it it throw a few z's in there other than that don't mind me man i'm just out here moving around beautiful dual say sloan also in the uh temple of zoom today you what's up baby temple of zoom amazing

temple of zoom you have a new podcast would you like to tell people about it it is it's called that black ass show. David Borey is going to be a guest very soon. They took all my black ass shows, though. Yeah. You know, you got to get it whenever you can, baby. Yeah, I get it. Oh, you're talking about black ass shows?

Ian, it's black ass shows. It's about shows with black ass. Black ass shows? Basically anything Tracyacy ellis ross was on so the show where it was it's where i talked to like black creatives about black uh tv shows movies or um any type of black media and then one of my favorite segments to do on the show is called that black ass confession and so uh you as a because i only like because i'm talking to like black creatives like comics actors writers or whatever yeah so the confession is you have to confess like a popular like black tv show or movie or something

like that or thing in black culture that you can't do so like i always say that i've never seen a baby boy or baby's kids what you've never seen baby boy nope have no desire holy shit have no desire to do so i don't fuck with tyrese like that you okay is this i don't understand that is it because he's a witch no he's not a witch you jackass what don't you like about tyrese oh he has he can't act like that's my main problem what's not the point of that movie is tyreece's acting ability i have told i am told multiple times that the name of the movie is said in the movie and i'm like i am okay but they do that in some good movies come on don't be like that independence day home alone sure whatever what i'm saying is that when people talk to me about that movie, they only talk about Taraji P. Henson.

Yes. So if someone just gave me like a super cut of just Taraji P. Henson scenes in that movie, I'd be fine. It'd be a very sexual super cut. I'll have my manager forward that to you. Emotional and sexy. That's the middle of my reel. It's three of my scenes and then a bunch of Taraji P. And a baby boy.

Pretty much all that happens in that movie is she cries and gets banged out. That's really. Okay. Those are really the. So, you know. Her wheelhouse. Most black actresses at that time, we were very, not forced to. We weren't allowed to surely show our range.

Yeah. Or it's like, I can't play spades that great if at all um i try but i always end up reneging and i don't know what i'm doing so yeah that is really not a good thing to be doing you know because like reneging like people have gotten advice over somebody yeah it ruins it really ruins the whole it's like a i don't have a lot of things that I'd be like, Oh, it's a pet peeve. But like, that is like a, cause it fucks up your books. And yeah,

it's like, and it's just like, learn how to do. You don't even sit down if you're going to do some shit like that. Right. Also the number of times we said renege and Sean was, and I saw Sean go, Oh,

this is another word. I can't say. Yeah. You can't say, I can say, I know that. I know I can say it. I just chose not to. You were just like, I have chosen not to say. Yeah. You can't say. I can say. I know that. I know I can say it. I just chose not to.

You were just like, I have chosen not to say it yet. I know that I can. But yeah, so this is the main thing I got coming out. I'm still doing segments on the show. And this is the main thing I'm working on right now. And just like, you know, still taking meetings and Zoom. Oh, yeah. When did your movie come out?

My movie's supposed to come out in the fall. I did a movie called, I filmed a movie in Puerto Rico for a month, in the month of January called Chick Fight. And so I had to get my nails cut down because I had to fight somebody. I get punched in the face at one point. What? Yeah, I legit learn how to damn sick it's like a fight club movie basically but it's like my first lead role in a movie

um it was really great everybody got sick it was wild but um you had to call upon your training i had to call upon my training and i got my nails cut down so you know you don't you already know listen that's not even where I really speak. I had to call upon my training. Did they make you put Vaseline on your face? I did not have to do that, no. Okay. I thought it was a fight movie.

I thought it was a fight movie. My bad. Well, it's not, but no. Because these girls are just getting hit because it's all women. So, not even going for the Vaseline, baby. Nah, we're going to take these hits and they ain't sliding off it's right here

slapping with a meteor palm no we had to get those we had to have like raps like they give us like the different raps and stuff fighting yeah like I had to learn like fight choreo we had to fight choreographer come and everything um like I

had to like hit a girl like it was me falling so like at one point me and another character we punch each other out and we both have to fall down because they made they made a ring inside of like an abandoned warehouse wow so just women fighting yeah it was like a women's fight club it's called the movie's called chick fight i feel like i dreamed up this movie years before it happened. Just like I thought about that. But yeah, it was great.

Like, I even had, like, leopard print wraps on. Like, it was, you know, because you got to stay on brand. It's true. But other than that, it's just at Dulce Sloan on everything. That black one. Yeah, Dulce Sloan. If you put an O in my name, then, you know, you're a heathen um but other than that yeah man i know i'm taking up too much time i i missed y'all and i'm good for a tangent so you have to rain me no i love this we love you what are you talking a really

good time yeah go off uh go off please yes oh also just for people who don't this? Yas. Yas. Yas. Also, just for people who don't if you're going to text the word Yas it's not 17 S's because if that was

the case it'd be Yas. Yas. This is the stuff our listeners need to hear though. There it is. This is tips.

You're saying it. It's clearly about to a ratio right don't be like that like a fucking snake in heat you uncool bastard it's a bunch of a's nigga come on dog shauna thought of you like the other day because i had to watch somebody was doing brown sugar for the podcast. That's a good movie. So basically, it's better than I thought it would be. But basically, it's just like Love and Basketball, but with hip-hop. And they do a cameo with

Common. And I don't know. I didn't hear anything he said. That's what I kept doing the whole time. I was talking. A-I. A-I. hear anything he said that's what i kept doing the whole time also sean you should watch brown sugar you would love that you would love brown sugar you would like you really would really watch it tonight it's right in your wheelhouse honestly this is Honestly, that's the most acting I've ever seen Taye Diggs do. He did a very good job. Are you coming for Taye Diggs right now?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. He's no Michael B. Jordan. Come on. That guy's not. He's going to be Scarface. He better not be Scarface. I don't be Scarface. Exactly, Ian.

Michael B. Jordan. Exactly, Ian. That's the word. Michael B. Jordan's going to be Scarface. Exactly, Ian. Michael Bajordan. Exactly, Ian. That's the word. Michael Bajordan's gonna be Scarface? That's the word. That old Nickelodeon sounding ass nigga,

ain't nobody be afraid of that man. Get him. Stop. Stop. Stop. He's amazing. He's fine.

I will not be playing Scarface, but I will be tweeting from at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram. There you go.

Get him. At Ian Carmel on Jewish, at Ian Carmel on Instagram. There you go. Get him. At Ian Carmel on Jewish, that black ass show. Where's just me talking to Norman Lear every episode? I thought it was a fine show. I'm very tired. They're single, They're living. I liked Rock. I thought Rock was one

of the better shows of the 90s. Wow. Good pull, Ian. Good pull. I was a Rock viewer. You might get an areola from the black community for that one, dog. That was a deep cut, baby that one dog that was a deep cut baby man that was the best way to say that i didn't know that i didn't know you could do stuff to get areolas

from different communities if it's if it matters i also loved the movie selena i'm just trying to i'm just trying to cover the board, guys. You're just trying to bring black and brown communities together. I hear you. Big fan of the live action Aladdin and whatever Jasmine was. Just got to keep it open. All I'm saying is I appreciated it. Oh, that's so funny. I have one thing to promote on. Wait a minute. I have to make sure my recorder is going. Where did it go? Oh, that's so funny. I have one thing to promote on.

Wait a minute. I have to make sure my recorder is going. Where did it go? Oh, no. Yeah, you have a TV show. No, man, no. Where was it? I hit record and it was recording.

Hold on. I'll find it. All right. So I'm back in where I had a recording issue where my little sister called me and it made my voice memo thing stop recording. So fuck you, Elisa Carmel. Let's just get that out there.

Yeah. No. It's a cool world now. I love you, Elisa. In these uncertain times, it's a rough, rough world, dude. I know. Sometimes you got to hit your sister with a fuck you, though, too. It's Carmel-y Carmel out here.

You have to do it. No, I love you, Elisa. We're up to Susan and Grace. You have to do it. No, I love you, Alisa. We're up to Susan and Grace. You have something to promote. I do. May 27th, which who knows might be after this came out. Anyway, my new show, Game On, on CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

It's me and Venus Williams going up against Bobby Lee and Rob Gronkowski and then a whole host of guests who join us. Everyone from Terrell Owens to Gabriel Iglesias to James Gordon to J.R. Smith. Yeah. Gabriel Iglesias. Gabriel Iglesias. That's my second favorite Iglesias.

After Enrique or Julio? Julio. Julio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deep cut. Wait, Ian, me and you now work for the same company now. We do. We're both CBS Viacom employees.

Yeah. I also work for Viacom, y'all. Oh, yeah, you are. CBS Viacom. Yeah. How can I disrespect the voice of Comedy Central? My bad, baby. Thank you.

I appreciate it. I'm rude. Sean? I see you shining in your townhouse in the valley, baby. I'm just trying to get an areola from the black community, you know? Sean, thoughts? Can I have one, too? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to get an areola from the black community, you know? Sean, thoughts? Can I have one too?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Can I get one? You got a female, nigga. You got her ringed up and everything. Nah, we ain't helping you. You got all the areolas you can handle, mister. I never thought I'd be able to buy a wedding ring, and here I am, fucking sitting fat, buying wedding rings, getting shit done.

Out here, paying for pink areolas. Look at you, blessed. It's a shame. Listen to all fantasy everything. That's all I really have to promote. We are gathered here today. You will never be canceled. You have an open invitation to be on this show.

We are gathered here today not to issue areolas from a variety of communities, but to draft wonderful places for a first date. Yes. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft is through a roll of a game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go.

I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, time. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. DJ wins. oh rock paper scissors shoot of rock paper scissors as the winner it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that i will remind you what is a serpentine draft and what does that what is that that's a great question it's a great question from both of you i'm out i'm sorry let's say today i'm gonna take it take it take it take it i'm so excited to be here i'm i'm excited to explain what

this draft is because it's quite tricky if you've never done it before so the best way that i can figure to explain it is if you have a grape soda and a strawberry soda and you don't know which one that you're gonna drink and so you look at the strawberry soda and you go man i like strawberries i like them a lot and it's only 170 calories wow and then you look over the strawberry soda and you go, man, I like strawberries. I like them a lot. And it's only 170 calories. Wow. And then you look over the grape soda. You want to compare and you go, well, this has 200 calories, but it's caffeine free. You look down a little bit, you see it's caffeine free.

And then you're like, maybe I'll have the grape. But then you look back at the strawberry. You see that's also caffeine free. You're like, well, I guess maybe it's a strawberry now. And it's only 12 ounces. I'm trying to keep that swimmer's body. So maybe I'll drink the 12 ounce soda soda and then you go back to the grape you realize that's only 12 ounces as well and then you look at the ingredients and uh you realize

that the calories are wrong that the uh that you read it wrong and the grape actually has 300 calories which you're just now figuring out live while you're talking to everybody that you didn't know before you did this so then you go back to the strawberry and you're definitely going to have the strawberry soda so then you uh go like this and then you crack it open and you have a strawberry soda i like that you have a surplus of both grape and strawberry soda i've been getting so i haven't drank really and i've been drinking a soda a day that's my little treat have you had have you had any alcohol have you been drinking like anything i had a beer from andy's brewery uh the other day but other than that i haven't had a single drink and you don't even love beer like that no it was good i mean i you know whatever i just it's my

boy's beer so i wanted to drink it but yeah been skating and drinking soda man dual say now that you know how a serpentine draft works what will the order of today's draft be i want to change it up all right i want ian to go first oh what technically a hot corner technically a hot corner still a hot corner damn i want to see if that nigga wouldn't yell hot corner hot corner I guess I also don't know what the fuck hot corner means um is what we've learned as a people as a society as a community it would

now we can grow Ian David me Sean Sean you're a hot corner Hot corner Okay now I think I got confused when it comes to like

This is places that you want to go Or places you have been I think it could be either or Either one I think Okay okay that definitely has broadened my choices Yeah I mean If it was places you have been it would just be like The bus stop on 16th and Mission.

Different Applebee's. Different Applebee's. A host of Jack in the Boxes. Hey, man, I'm at least getting a menu when somebody got a tip, baby. Don't do me like that. You are. Because you're a queen.

Thank you. Not everybody gets the royal treatment. Not everybody gets an appetizer, entree, and a dessert. Some people get a restaurant that has a bathroom adjoining. You understand? Sometimes you got to go get the key. Yeah, you got to go get the key. And go outside.

No! You have to go get the key. And go outside. You should never go on a date somewhere where you have to go get the key. Girl, don't have sex with that man. Eat them cookies to yourself, girl. He's got a lot of potential is what I'll say.

That's why you took the date. All right. That's like doing stand up for exposure. He was wearing shorts. He was wearing shorts when he asked you out. What did you think

was going to happen? You exactly. It was summertime. If he was winter in shorts, I knew that I was have some real issues. Yeah, that's true. I have the first pick,

which means it's my job to make the first pick in the places for a first date All Fantasy Everything draft, which I will do right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick.

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Oh, I'm so sorry. That black ass show. It's already out. It comes out every Wednesday. Tune in. I'm trying not to get in trouble. That black ass show that's out right now and has been as, yeah, and has celebrated throughout the entire industry. That and All Fantasy Everything, the only two podcasts.

So listen up, baby. Now it is my turn to make the first pick, which doesn't happen very often. And for my first pick, I'm going to take the first part of the best first date I've ever been on, which was the one with my current girlfriend. I've talked about it before, but it was truly the best first date I've ever been on and it had multiple parts. Did you guys listen to my album? We listened to the...

God damn it, Sean. We listened to Sean's album. Like in the park? We sat in a car in the sun with the windows up and listened to Sean's album. And got high off the jokes. We got high off the jokes.

We split a bag of ranch bugles. With no beverage. No beverage. And I went into it thirsty. I forgot to get a drink. So that's my first pick. No, it was. I can't take all of it because that would be like cheating.

But the first part of it was we went. Well, we went and got a coffee and then we walked on the beach. I'm not taking. I'm not picking getting a coffee, but we went and grabbed a coffee and then we walked along the beach and it was one of the nicest. Totally. Motherfucker. It was just beautiful. Just like on the beach which which beach i think it's ocean beach in san francisco ocean beach is solid over yeah that's by my old house sunset yeah yeah yeah

i've never been to the beach in san francisco it's cold but it's beautiful cold sounds cold it was a little bit chilly but like that's good because then you could wear like that you could dress a little bit yeah yeah it's not good because then you can dress a little bit. It's not like you're down on Muscle Beach or anything. You're on the I rolled my jeans up so the sand doesn't get in a beach. That's exactly the kind. I was wearing heavy boots. And San Francisco's got that kind of cliff beach where you don't have to go down into it.

You can kind of just walk along it. It was just gorgeous. We walked along for a while. The conversation was natural. There's like things to comment on, which was important on a first date. You know, you can be like, look at that guy with his dog. Isn't that cute? That dog just loves the ocean.

And it keeps running. Do you want to have a dog? Have you ever had a dog? You know, you can like sort of finesse it into like conversation points. I know. I understand. Man, she got you. That was a nice move.

Oh, that was the hook. Yeah, that was a nice move oh that was the hook yeah that's a nice move on her part brilliant she didn't say anything but i wouldn't be surprised if that was her move you know especially because i was flying in and i don't know shit about san francisco i'm not like some veteran you know yeah but a walk along the beach also there's like logs you can sit on and it's like inherently romantic beautiful place for a first date david bori time for your first pick uh my first pick los angeles specific i'm taking the getty oh yes sir it's so much fun fuck you take that little train up there you can walk through the garden or you can walk through all the exhibits they got that restaurant that's like pretty good and then you eat in that cafeteria where everything overlooks.

Yeah, it's just great, man. The Getty. The Getty is, LA has like a bunch of good museums for dates, but the Getty is absolutely like the king of it all. And it's like the way it's set up, up in that hill where it's like, we're going to take a while. It's going to take a minute. Yeah. Yeah, it's a date.

You're not getting out early. You know, you got some conversation. So this is like an art museum or like? It's like an art, it's like, so they have different exhibits but it's also like like the architecture of it is crazy like it's way up in the hill and it looks out over all la and then they have like this big giant garden out there too that you walk around and there's like an incredible view and it smells all nice well don't you have to take a train to get up there too yeah you park down at the bottom and you take a train to the top of the hill like a tram so immediately you're showing off that you got a car which is nice on a date you know flex that's great it's got like

it's the it's got some sculpture and it's got a lot of paintings amazing views there's like naked sculptures so you can be like huh that could be us later yeah you're like yeah i like what do you think of that one yeah uh yeah also they have like they they just have rotating uh exhibit like last time i went there was for this photo exhibit that was super great they had this one photo that was like it sounds weird but it was like this photographer who took naked pictures of herself every five years like throughout her life just yeah it was really cool to see they just got good shit over there the getty man oh yeah the food's not even that bad museum food's like not bad it's a lot of like pretty good yeah and you can get a couple beers to start off you can be like oh let's get

a couple beers and then we'll go get a beer after this or whatever you're gonna find a salad with some feta cheese in it you know what i mean oh yeah you're gonna find a focaccia you're gonna find a salad with some feta cheese in it you know what i mean oh yeah you're gonna find a focaccia you're gonna find a focaccia with some sun-dried tomato on there yeah oh yeah yeah damn it i don't even know if my pickle work now of course your pickle work let's hear all right my pick my first pick was actually like a science museum that's okay that's completely different get it does it play omsi getty is not for scientists cause like I was down doing it when the show was down in Miami like I met a guy down there and

he was like where you wanna go on a date wanna go to a movie and I was like no I was like I wanna go to the science museum and they had completely redone the Miami science museum from when I went when I was a kid when we used to live there yeah back then it just used to be how to cook crack, right?

It was just a cocaine museum. You know, the Miami Science Museum was Gloria Estefan's first band. I was going to say. I had a version of that. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, that's, I mean, that's so awesome.

That's not going to work at the Science Museum. Let's change it. We got to put a sound machine. Oh, that's, I mean, that's so awesome. I don't want to. That's not going to work at the science museum. Let's change it. We got to. What about Sandwich Inn? Oh, that makes way more sense. What the fuck? That might be the funniest joke I've ever heard on this entire podcast. I try not to talk about this, but my mom hates Gloria Estefan.

Why? She won't tell me why. Whoa, that feels personal. My mom hates one part of Hall & Oates, and she never told me why. That's true. Same shit, where you're like, what'd they do to you? My mom hates Michael Jordan, but she's been pretty vocal about it the whole time. Doesn't need much explanation.

I found out because my aunt had come up to visit us from Miami, and I was telling her about how one of my friends that we grew up with in Atlanta, they're Cuban and their cousin was in the musical on Broadway about Gloria Estefan. And her and my aunt, without even looking at each other, went, fuck Gloria Estefan. I was like, what is this? Yo, that has to be perfect. Something happened. This is old school Miami beef.

And I'm like, what happened? And they were like, don't worry about it. And I'm like, what the fuck happened? That's probably one of the coolest things I've ever heard. Your mom has beef with Gloria Estefan, but like, That's amazing. Her and my aunt. And this isn't even one of my real aunts.

Like, this is one of my ladies, like, this is like one of my mom's homegirls growing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's my play auntie, and both of them at the same time not looking at each other. The fuck, Gloria Estefan? What happened? They won't tell me that's

your documentary you gotta make neither one of them will but no i went on a date with this dude and so you started like the like the fifth floor because there's four floors to it and there's actually an aquarium that goes like all the way through the main building so we saw how like the coral like the they were trying to repopulate coral. So we saw that exhibit. And then there was one part like this one lady kept bumping into me and me mugging me, which was wild because there was like no fucking Wednesday move. And then I got mean mugged by a barracuda that was in this fucking tank. It was wild. Like I'm standing next to this dude. They got a mean mug. tank it was wild like i'm standing next to this dude they gotta meet mom and this fucking fish

comes from across the tank rolls up on me giving me dirty looks because you know they have all those teeth and you know how the fish gotta open their mouth open and close the brief then he so he comes up on me from across the fucking tank and this is the part where it like bubbles out so it's like um like it's convex on my side and then he turns part where it like bubbles out so it's like like it's convex on my side and then he turns sideways where it's just one fish eye looking at me and he's mean mugging me and his mouth keeps opening and closing

and then he just slowly swims off while giving me a dirty look and I'm standing there next to the dude he's like did that fish just roll up on you and I'm like dude cause I was trying to take my phone out to take a picture but neither one of us knew what like Standing there next to the dude, he's like, did that fish just roll up on you? And I'm like, dude. Because I was trying to take my phone out to take a picture, but neither one of us knew. He's like, I tried to take a picture.

I didn't know what. I was like, both of us are trying to figure out what the fuck was going to happen with this fish. And this fish was big as fuck, dude. Bear Cooter are big and they're mean, man. They're big and mean. And he was standing there. He was like, I think this fish is giving you a dirty look. I'm like, dude, came across the tank to roll up on your girl dog i i never met this fish gloria stefan sent it she's been known to do worse ask your mom about it

roll up on you when you were snorkeling i was was snorkeling in the Florida Keys when I was probably like 11, 12 years old. And I dove down. And then it seemed safe. And you dive down and you swim around for like 20, 30 seconds. And then I was on my way up. And as I was on my way up, there was like a school of barracuda that were just like, now we're here. And I just had to be like, dive back down again. And like almost like sucked in a bunch of seawater just because barracudas ran up on me.

They're mean fish. They're big as fuck too. And they're bigger than you think. And nobody eats them because they're so fucking heartless, dog. Like they're so mean. You can't even eat them. You don't want to take that evil into your system. You don't want the spirit of a cuda in you.

No. All of a sudden you mean mugging people you giving people because it was like crazy like drug addict eye that this fucking fish gave me yeah and i'm like yo man i don't know your people dog i'm only visiting for a few weeks talk to your home i'm not with the miami sound machine no man i'm not here with that i don't know what the campaign is i don't know who sent you baby but you know i don't i don't even eat sushi like that you know what i mean like i don't even know just for the record i do eat sushi like that i do eat sushi like that too he slow swam away from me you see what i'm saying

like i see you give me that eye let me know a bitch you he's like he pulled up on me it was like yo i can be about that action and i'm a bitch you he's like he pulled up on me it was like yo i can be about that action and i'm like sir i have no qualms with you or your speech there's one thing i've learned it's don't fight animals the videos have shown you won't win yeah uh sean you might win with your first pick that wasn't a great one but but let's have it anyway. I ain't going to win. I'm going to go.

I'm kind of going to go in order. So I'm going to start off in middle school when I went on my first date. Oh, baby. And yeah. And my favorite place to go at the time still would be as an adult, but you couldn't do it. But at the time, middle school, favorite place is my first pick is going to the mall. That was the date. Going to the mall because you

could run into your friends and it wasn't suspect so it took a lot of heat off of you on the date because you could like joke or be like oh shit my whole crew's here we might as well say what's up to them you look oh shit you just look dope look at that oh shit look at that oh dude six is here oh man hey oh bugalug or whatever your fucking friends are nicknamed ace black blue red why aren't you guys at church what's going on you're usually in church i thought this was youth group night let's go into spinsters and get weird shit tiny condoms for everyone go into the mall you and you could like, we'd find little places to make out and stuff. It was rad. God, I bet the mall workers hated you.

Like, that tall kid is making out behind the Andy Ann's again. That kid with the giant Africa t-shirt is making out with a girl that's a foot taller than him. Yeah, I swear to God. with a girl that's a foot taller than him if this little ho tap brings one more 12 year old girl behind the hot dog on a stick I'm gonna fucking lose it I always think about

if I'm walking in the mall and I see some kids I'm like man I looked so much worse than those kids like I used to hang out blue rags out of my pockets I'd wear one around my head I'd have a duke hat on to the right and I'd just be like walking around in the mall trying to make out with people it's hilarious if you saw that this is i've had so many i've had so many questions this is my thing because i don't feel like that you all are were a sanctioned chapter of the crips i don't think

the crips oh no they weren't Tannen, no. No. Well, so what happened? They were Crip fan fiction. My cousin, a friend of ours' cousin was, who knows, maybe still be in the St. Louis Crips. He came to Sioux Falls, and I pretty much think he just beat up his cousin. That would be quite the run for him. So you're telling me that a white dude from St. Louis was in the St. Louis Crips?

No, he's black. So there was a wait. So there was how many black people were there in Sioux Falls to check you on this outfit? Well, there was the one who was in the gang with me. And then there was there was quite a few that did check me ultimately. And that's why that's why I stopped. That's why it all stopped. It came to a screeching halt one day. Actually, they were not happy with it.

Turns out they disagreed with my belief system. And then I started skateboarding. Philosophical differences. Now I'm me. You're like, well, I got to leave this gang life. Let me hop on this board with wheels on it. That is the polar opposite. So going to the mall, man.

Skateboarding, gang life. I hear you. Yeah, the mall is on my hear you we were never doing gang we never did gang shit but still the mall is fun I still like to go on dates to the mall do you ever go to the mall? yeah it leads into my second pick please

oh yeah I'm sorry I fucked you up no it's fine it leads into my second pick which is you know for me it's the ultimate date just go to a movie that's a movie what i like to do so now what i do what i pull for a lot is i we go to the clackamas town center walk around the mall for like an hour and then we go to the movie at the movie theater and that to me is the ultimate date how does your queen feel about the hour walking around clackamas town

center before the movie she she thinks it's she thinks it's adorable it will wear off but currently she thinks it's adorable that i like the mall so much i love the mall i'm with you who knows how long i got with that window it's like when you when you're you know you have like a two-year-old and you're like i gotta like you know i gotta enjoy this yeah but you can only watch kaiju for so long i've been watching avatar the last Airbender which is on Netflix now it's so good because of my little brothers I saw that shit when it first

came out that's a great children's television show I'm not even one of these anime guys or whatever as I'm wearing this shirt but like yeah that show is a really good show man I liked Caillou I've never seen Caillou Caillou gets on my nerves

I looked up what his name means, and it's French for pebble, apparently. Oh, that's cute. Yeah, he's got a pebble-ass head. Well, yeah, but there's also like- He had a rock head. I heard like a rapper make a reference to, he was like, I'm trying to bald like Caillou, and I was like, I hear a lot of rappers make like PBS show references, and I'm just like- Y'all niggas must not have had cable either.

Like it's just, that's how you know you were broke. We were all watching wishbone. Yeah. Oh, wishbone. Do you know how many books I didn't have to read because of wishbone? Tell him stories.

Most of them. God, I still tell people that I read Don Quixote. Oh man. Oh, the silversmith, the silversmith, like the revolutionary war silvers,

whatever that one was. They did like Pride and Prejudice. Wishbone handled some serious literature. He did Frankenstein. What is Wishbone? He did Tale of Two Cities. You don't remember Wishbone, Sean? I think he did Tropic of Cancer.

No, he didn't. I'm pretty sure he did Lolita. Coldest winter ever. Was it big one? Waiting to exhale. Oh my God, the wishbone waiting to exhale. The color popple. I feel like I'm hitchhiking over here.

What's wishbone? I have no idea. Wishbone was a show. It was a little dog who would reenact classic literature. It was a Jack Russell Terrier, yeah. Colored popple. I knew I would get it if I knew it. So he would some fact one the kid joe the lady that played his mom that was his actual mom oh and then uh because i love demont i don't give a fuck that he was a tyler he was just

a reckless ass white kid with nope he was basically sean growing up but he beat up people and the kid was like i didn't beat anyone i looked him up i forgot about demont he was basically sean growing up but he beat up people and the kid was like i looked him up i forgot about demont he's i looked him up he's six feet tall now he has the same face same haircut he's just taller and he's a coach at like an indiana high he's like a basketball coach like an indiana high school i got in a fucking wishbone wormhole one day because i was like let me see what's going on but yeah let me see what this let me see what the story is here sean didn't get that it's it's been telling stories what's the story oh man what's this you're dreaming of oh wait so if wait if sean did this is

it my turn or no because it went the other now. It's now your turn. Yeah. Cause he took a movie. I'm not a huge, for a first date, I'm not a huge, a movie fan. I like it. It's not interactive enough for me. See, it shows a lot of people think it shows cowardice. Like you don't want to talk. And I'm like, no, I just love going to the movies. So I needed the pic.

I had a pic that was movie was part of the package, but I wouldn't, I don't know if like as a first date, I like to i need to appeal on different levels i need to be like an extremely charming conversationalist on the first date to like really like make an impression you know and a movie doesn't really give me the opportunity to do that so much i get too nervous when it i and it sucks i have a big lack of confidence with just my conversation yeah so i need something else to be going on like if we're just sitting doing maybe some other stuff you do on a date that involves heavy conversation i'm not that great at it until i get to know somebody and i'll pay full price i get it

i could use a couple bucks so that was nice you will say time for your uh second pick um well this is the thing i like i i don't know if you've ever gone to somewhere like a um the thing i like i i don't know if you've ever gone to somewhere like a um like a dave and busters or something like that oh yeah barcade yes obviously hey let's play this game let's try to win something um or it's oh let's get on these go-karts let's have like you know bar food and then yeah yeah so and then there's a um because for my birthday we went for my brother's birthday which is actually on Thanksgiving like two years ago we went to uh Andretti's

um Mario Andretti owns like a go-kart place and it is a wild city well this is like Alpharetta though so it's like that's where Whitney Houston lived Alpharetta, though. So it's like. That's where Whitney Houston lived. Alpharetta?

Yeah, I just watched the doc last night. That sounds nice. That sounds right, because Alpharetta is like a nice part of town. And so we went in there. We played games. Because my homeboy, Joe Kelly, who's a comic, he's always with us on the holidays. So we played games. We did the goat cart.

We did one of those VR gamesr games we put the thing on and we had like guns we're shooting at aliens and shit um but like there was a bunch of different things to do and i like to do stuff that's kind of competitive with a dude because you can see what his personality is like right like how upset did he get that he couldn't you know get the water in the clown's mouth oh yeah enough basketball goals yeah like it kind of lets you know like is this something that he's gonna be moping about when we get in the car that he couldn't you know he didn't get the score that he wanted can i ask you a question yeah do you so do you like the dude to be a little pissed if he doesn't get like like high score like say in basketball like pop pop shot or something if he doesn't win do you like a little pissed well not

like i like a little piss but it's just like you know when you're kind of like competitive you're just like especially when you're on a date so it's like cute competitive because it's like because it's like him going well i know what i usually score or it's like because if i went at the game where there's like shooting games all right i'm'm always really good at right so if we're playing like big buck hunter or some shit like that like if you get like too upset that I beat you or it's like like if you slip and go oh I

can't believe a woman beat me it's like okay you want it to be cute like if you win I'll hold your hand but if I win you hold my hand one time in San Franciscoisco i was at this place that had a bunch of pinball with a girl and i had like talked shit about how i was good at pinball uh-oh and then i just like you did straight blew it for like 30 minutes and it was terrible

because she was just watching me lose and like she didn't even she bless her heart she wasn't even a bitch she was just like uh she was just like no she was just like so you play pinball a lot huh and i'm talking about like first ball i was losing like wow what a weird flex to start with though it was It was amazing. Babe Ruth also struck out the most. What a 1955 happy days flicks. Yeah. It was weird. I was like, I also vote. I'm a regular pinball wizard. You guys split them all, Ted, or what? Yeah.

This Dr. King's got some ideas. I don't even understand how people can be good at pinball i don't either there's a whole world to it it is a whole there's a whole thing there's a drunk history about it because apparently like pinball became like illegal in a lot of places at one point and this guy like i don't remember which it was an episode about games. Because, like, I just watched all of Drunk, like, all six seasons on Hulu. And apparently they got, like, roped in. Like, pinball games got roped into, like, somehow gambling or some shit. Like, it was like pool and pinball.

Yeah. And so they started removing it from places. And there were places that had, like, secret pinball rooms in the back. And this guy in New York, they called him out. Like, they flew him in from somewhere else. They're like, listen, we're trying to secret pinball rooms in the back and this guy in new york they called him out like they flew him in from somewhere else they're like listen we're trying to save pinball like the pinball commission called them and was like yo you gotta win this pinball game so we can fucking keep pinball because they were trying to get it off that list it's very ridiculous do you know how bad i want some type of commission to call me and tell me they need me to save whatever that thing is.

That's the call I've been waiting for my whole life. David, the blunt commission needs you. Yeah, yeah. David, the look at it, cool butts commission. The game's going under. We're trying to ban cool butts in Indiana. We need to fly you out. I'm ready.

They're trying to ban cool butts in Indiana. We need to fly you out. I'm ready. You got it. I was watching it going, what the fuck was this even for? But yeah, that was my pick. That's a good one. Davey Busters is good. Shout out to Ground Control in Portland.

Yeah, because you can still drink. Because they have a place called Joystick in Atlanta. That's like a barcade. But they still have board games and different stuff and then there's like a game room in the back because they'll do comedy shows there so it's like i love that yeah like i get it it's like okay you're on like it's cool but it's a fun day it is and then also like there's always kids running past you so it's always kind of like some kind there's a lot of stuff going on well like here in the valley

where I live like a couple miles from me there's one that is a bar bar so you have to be 21 to even get in I like that that's what joystick is in Atlanta you have to be 21 to get in so you know it keeps out the ground control like after six or after seven or like or after

eight I think it is I've been to ground control before when we were going r.i.p to bridge town fucking greatest festival dude what i mean whenever we're allowed to do comedy it will be a great time to bring it back a great time to bring it back great time david time for your second pick my second pick is the showing of the rocky horror picture show second pick is the showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh, nice. With live performers or just the movie? The live

performer? The movie with all the shit where you throw toast and stuff. Yeah, one of those ones where it's like everybody's in the group and they're all dressed up. Because it's like, it's sexy and it's fun and it's exciting and it's also weird. So there's a lot of like, afterwards you can talk about that for a

while like whoa did you see that guy who had on the high heel i don't know but yeah you'd be like the time warp again i never even did it the first time how are you how are you doing and it's got music meatloafs in it uh yeah yeah rock and roll like just like a it's just like a really fun thing to do if we like you've gone on dates to the rocky world picture i've never been no i've never taken a girl i've only gone with friends i've always wanted to i love that they do it at clinton street in portland every year i think yeah when we started when i started doing comedy they do it every it was every saturday for the longest time it was either every friday every single week it is one of those things that i

want to go do a few though and get like the rhythm down before you take the group because there's so much shit to do you want to bring a date in there like you're in goodfellas and you're just coming through the back and then you sit down but it's the rocky horror picture it's like yeah it's like catholic mass for people who told their parents they're never going to catholic mass again exactly here's where you stand up here's where you sit down this is where you say and also with you you know like that kind of thing a catholic mass is rough people because we would do comedy shows that we would put on like before they'd be on like at 10 and rocky horse at midnight and like those people are fucking serious like if you weren't out of their dressing room

yeah they weren't like oh it's all good we We're all performing. They're like, get out. We need to start getting dressed. Oh, man. Do you remember? Here's one thing I miss about stand-up back in the day. Do you ever remember, like, sharing the backstage with whatever show is next? Yeah. So, like, sometimes it'd be like, like, I remember at the Dark Room in San Francisco, RIP. You'd be back there, and then it'd be like a burlesque show next.

So you'd be like, oh, sick, the burlesque girls are cool. They're smoking weed and drinking. But then sometimes it would be like an improv show next. Yeah. And they'd be like, my boss is here. You got to get out. They're playing Zip Zap Zop in the back. Yeah, it was never dope.

But like, man, shout out to doing shows with burlesque women. Somebody's got a box of blonde curly wigs they're bringing in like that kind of thing but the burlesque chicks were always like let's just drink some ripple i'm gonna light this incense i love burlesque women they were always so nice to me coming up in san francisco rocky whore excellent pick amazing uh so i'm gonna for, for my next pick, my second pick, I'm going to take the Angel first. I'm going to take just fucking dinner. I know it's the most simple thing in the world. No, you got to take it.

You got to take it, though. And some people, I've talked to some women who are like, and I guess some men probably feel this way, too, but they're're like i don't like a dinner for a first date because it's too much of a commitment because you're there for at least two hours that's that's broke dude there's a lot of dudes out here now talking about i don't want to be out here feeding women or whatever so there's a lot of dudes now especially on the apps where it's just like let's go to coffee first because you would rather spend 375 to see if you like me as opposed to let's just go to but like how long is like once the cup is empty what do

you do then get another cup of coffee and then you're all like why you're not a fair gauge on who i am if i'm jacked on like eight cappuccinos i'm sweating i have diarrhea what's your relationship like with your father a lot of times on like dating apps for dudes you're like let's go to coffee first no instead of dinner because they're like that's whack right like a lot of girls are out here just trying to get i'm like yeah dudes will do rules the fucking game if you think that that's the campaign to tell the bitch you want to split the bill but other than that she got the pussy you pay dog i want to pay for the whole dinner i want to go to dinner somewhere nice that i haven't been before granted i have a little bit of money now but like that's what i want well here's how i think about it as a dude who has had a lot of women by him a lot of

meals over the years when i needed that shit you gotta pay back into that like absolutely who's like that don't pretend like there wasn't a time where you were down and out and some girl took you to Subway. You know what I mean? Don't be like that. Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. Exactly. It's just transferred. You have to find balance at some point.

I've gone out. I'll say if I'm on a date with a guy and there was one time I went on a date with a dude and it was not going well. So I just ordered another dessert. And I was just like, or that's it. Can we get bring that run that key lime pie back? You know what? There was one time. I am going to fuck with that.

Wait, see seasonal apples. yeah uh there was gucci run it back there was another time where i was in a date that was so bad that i ordered a second entree to go damn oh my god that's wild then i ordered two desserts to go and he was like why are you getting all this stuff i was like oh yeah i'm getting something for my mom and he was like okay he's like this isn't going well i was like no he's like fair i know it's almost like he knew you gotta deal with he wasn't he knew he was he knew he couldn't hang he knew it wasn't working and i was just like and i was like hey man i'm gonna get something for my mom and he was like what and i was like yeah i'm gonna order something to go for my mom and he was

like oh yeah sure and then when i got the two and then when i got my dessert to go he was like oh this isn't going well i'm like no okay he's like all right just put it because then the waitress came back he was like just put it all on the same bill like he knew yeah yeah i mean i listen that happens fine it's it's money you can't take it with you yeah yeah not to toot my own horn but like once i get someone to agree to a first date it's gonna going to be a great first date. I have problems getting people to agree to the first date. I have problems maybe six months into a relationship. My astronauts die on the moon, not on the way

to the moon. You know what I mean? I can get them in the fucking rocket ship and I can get them on the moon. Put that on something. Put that on something. Honestly, I feel like a first date. Oh, my mama. I do feel like a first date.

I do feel like a first date with Ian Carmel would be like the best first date. I've gone to dinner with you and if it's anything like that, it's pretty great. I've hung out with you in restaurants a bit. I think the last time we hung out was at, what was it, Outside Lands or something? No, we were at Seattle. Bumbershoot.

Bumbershoot. And we were all out to dinner i was just like man because i've hung out with you enough times to be like man i want to because like the last time i came to do the podcast at your house and like we weren't going to eat after i was like disappointed i was like oh man i don't want to go eat it's a school night where i'm like yeah we're just gonna go to bed i was like what the fuck no we're supposed to go get wings or go to the fucking roost or some bullshit and watch, you know. Next time you're in town, we'll go out. Absolutely.

Trust me. Yes. Trust me. Fuck yes. But yeah. If we have to wear hazmat suits, I'm fucking in. But yeah, people, I think people don't realize how like, like the last date that I, real date I went on was like back in October. I think it was on Halloween.

And then me and this dude, because I had been been on the road so we were like texting and like talking on the phone a lot and at one point we started like sending each other like playlists and different stuff like just trying to get to know each other and then we finally went on a date that day ended with a church hug and ended with a church hug yeah let me ask this chemistry whatsoever and then there was the getting to know each other sex sex and we when you were texting were you also sexting no do you think that has something to do with it like you never even explored that side well i think what would have made me more upset is if we were sexting and then i saw a man and there was no chemistry between us i think i

would be even more pissed at the sexting also even if it's sexting i'm not sending you no pictures of my body and if you get a picture of a body it's not mine whoa i never even that thought never even crossed my mind you can just send other people's body i sent a dude a pair of titties one time and he was like i've seen those titties on tumblr and this is what you still have porn on tumblr so i'm like that's how much black titties are you to recognize titties from tumblr um i'm not gonna speak on that regardless but i hear you because the thing is like when you're when you're doing that one it's you gotta find first of all you gotta find titties that look like yours they gotta make sure that they're right that's what i was gonna say they gotta make sure they're the right color.

You got to make sure the areola is right. You got to make sure that with his mind, they're not too perky. And then I have a birthmark that goes from my shoulder all the way down my whole right side to my waist. Oh, that's tricky. That is tricky. I've said men don't pay attention to details. That's true. That's our biggest downfall.

Because it looks like, because it's literally, it starts, no, it starts actually at my right elbow. Goes all the way, it covers my entire boob, my right boob, and then stops right underneath it. So it looks like I have like little spots. It's like it's just a lighter complexion of me. But it's a big birthmark. There's a number of times motherfuckers have gotten a picture of titties that weren't mine see my titties in real life didn't even fucking know that's because after they after they get that picture of the titties once i mean they're gonna jack off and then once they're done

the titties are always in memory yeah the etch-a-sketch gets shaken you know what i mean it's like here's my thing now in my head i'm trying to figure out what i have to google to find a picture of a dick that looks like mine just google black black ass podcast my second pick is so it's dinner i love a dinner i love picking a like a restaurant i've never been to and wanted to go to and like let's check this place out worst case scenario you got to find that restaurant and then go there with your friends afterwards. Oh, yeah. So you should go to a new restaurant. So just in case the date is trash, you learn about it.

See, Carmel, you a go, dog. You really, you really. Then you got a little fucking, you got a little secret restaurant now. Helping the children. Yeah, exactly. Then I'll take the three of you and we have a great time. Also, sidebar, it's been a long time since i sent people pictures of any titties i'm not living like that life anymore i just want people to don't i don't think that i'm doing this on a

regular fucking basis i've done this since the obama administration everybody calm down i think everybody's been tucking it in since obama left had to yeah because you don't know what these people is out here doing. I didn't want to interrupt. I just wanted to give a disclaimer that I ain't out here living that scandalous no more. For the record. Let the record show.

My third pick is going to be just going to a bar and getting hammered with someone. On a first date? You got to see what they're made of sometimes. Okay. I've had a few dates just like end up there. I know what you mean. It could go.

It's a volatile situation, but when it goes right, pretty great. I never set out with that expectation. I'm never like, I'm going to get blackout drunk. I expect for them to also get blackout drunk. But I have certainly gone on first dates with someone. And oftentimes these are like murky first dates where it's like, you know what I mean? Well, murky where it's not like, hey, I'd love to take you out sometime. Rather, it's like, you want to go grab a drink some night?

You know, that kind of thing. Oh, okay. So the date was a real question instead of a statement. Okay. Yes, the date is a question instead of a statement. And then you end up, like, at a fun bar, or sometimes it's like you go to dinner and you're like, want to continue the evening, and then you end up at a bar.

And, like, I've had a few relationships start like that, where we just got, like, super-duper drunk that night, and then, like, sometimes you hook up, sometimes you don't hook up, you just go your separate ways. But, like, it can be pretty fun. I'm not saying it's for everyone. And I don't think you should ever set out with that in mind. But like, yeah, I've had some fun ones.

Yeah, they can be super dope. It can be a real bummer. Guys, try that on me. Where she's like, yeah, you all get drunk. And then she says, yeah, that's where you don't want anyone trying it on anyone. They want to get drunk. And it's like, yeah, you know, when we get drunk, we can just go back to my place. And you're like, hey, man, I got to work in the morning.

Uh, I got to be to work. You can't state your goals that clearly. No, jackass. Let me get to the third drink. Let me see how I'm feeling. Yeah. Your idea. Also, the first one you can't.

For me, at least I've found. You can't have any expectations of anything on the first day other than we're just kidding even if we do even if we do get drunk it's like we were just hanging out anyways like it wasn't trying to be we're not trying to go no you got people you can call for that you gotta let the woman be the captain of the ship on that first date as far as or just i mean whoever who the captain you gotta let the woman be the captain of the ship on that first date as far as or just i mean whoever who the captain you gotta let the woman be the captain of the ship on the first day or or whoever it is like what like on a first date you let the slow person set the pace you know what i mean yeah you have to i think the

person who was asked so regardless of whatever the gender makeup or whatever the of the interaction is yeah i think the person who was asked should be able to set the, because the thing is the person who asked is already showing interest. Yeah. You're looking to see if the other person is interested. So I think the person who was asked, I think sometimes should be able to kind of, kind of set the pace and see what they're comfortable with.

Cause a lot of times you just got people just being real pushy like oh i've liked you for a really long time yeah dude but i just got here yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a good point you've been thinking about me for months i've only thought about you for 36 hours like i can't i'm not where you are yeah i thought you were just a dude who worked in receiving i don't even know she's like i haven't been that far back on your instagram yet i didn't know you had a last name till last week you were just bobby who's the third dude on the dock like i don't know you were you were there's tall david and then there's not as tall david and then there's you david that's who you were and i'm like speaking of david david it's

time for your third pick my third pick so this one i did a couple times in san francisco on some sneaky shit every once a month in san francisco sneaky dates once a month in san francisco they have a free zoo day oh damn it yeah, like, the zoo is so much fun. It's the Zoological Garden. It's so much, especially the one in San Francisco near the beach by my house. It's just, like, a really fun day. It's just, like, a really fun day. You might see some turtles fucking, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. John? You'll see some teens, like, throwing stuff at the monkeys. And the monkeys throwing it back? Yeah, yeah. It's just, just like it's a very good but it's like it's public so that it's like safe but it's private enough that you could be like i think those peacocks are fucking yeah i'll tell you this if i went on a date and saw some turtles fucking that date would be over immediately we'd be fucking yes we got married unless we were gonna get married no because she'd leave you'd be like, what?

That's how you think? That's what you think? He's laughing so hard he can't breathe. I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know what to do if I was on a date. Oh, because you've never had sex before. I hear you. Well, yeah, I'm not married. Well, of course. I want to burn in hell? I don't think so.

One day. Hopefully someday soon. Cross my toes on that one. All right. I'm really hoping. Yeah. The zoo, there's not much to it. It's just, they got food there too. It's like, it's yeah.

The zoo's like. Get an elephant ear. Yeah. You can be cute, scared too. You can be like, or it's just scared, but you can make it cute. Like if you see a spider or something in a tank, you're like, but you get like the heebies. So then you can kind of bridge the touching gap a little bit where you can like. What was the cute noise you make when you see the spider or something in a tank you're like yeah but you get like the heebies so then you can kind of bridge the touching gap a little bit where you can like noise you make when you see the spider you make me feel oh my god you see that spider you make me feel cold when it's warm

that's how i feel about that i just go i go that sounded like one of those i just need to fall asleep orgasms i just just stand where the bats are like in the cave where you can't quite see people i'm like there's bats in here because the zoo is like enter the next chapter of the date just to close it out the zoo is like the last time i went to the aquarium it was it was with zach and it was one of the funnest days i've ever had oh i would love to go i want to go to the atlanta aquarium because they have whale sharks i want to see it so bad and like the cool thing is honestly like i went to an event there with my mom's job one time

and the beluga whale so like in the event space the beluga whale tank is on like one side of the whole room man that's cool and it was it you see them go up and down and stuff there's two things one i uh i went to the same event and there were like these big like i mean i'm sure these are crabs that had a real name but they're like those big alaskan snow crabs are playing like king of the mountain in the fucking like in their own and like environment yeah one of them would climb up at the top of this big rock and then the other one climb up knock him off and then this is what they just did all night and then they had an issue with the octopus in the aquarium getting loose oh yeah oh i've heard about that i don't i octopus make me nervous so they because they're

too fucking smart so he yeah they're smart as me they're brilliant they're like brilliant i can figure out how to get out of stuff too they like so they had to they put more cameras on it and what they did was they found out that the octopus was paying attention to how they were closing his in like his tank or whatever so he was undoing the latch climbing out getting into other exhibits eating shit and then climbing back into his own shit locking the door and then when they would come back they'd be like wait who the fuck ate that why they're in like they would count and see like the numbers were off when they came one of the whale sharks is missing yeah that octopus i think you mean that octopus

was thugging he was thugging and bugging out here because they they put more they watched him unlatch his own shit i love the idea of like kids looking at the octopus in the daytime and he's like you after these motherfuckers leave tonight it's a full day baby like he book I'm going nuts everyone else in the tank's like you're not gonna do shit and he's like I am gonna you wait till these motherfuckers leave Christine left some Twinkies in the fucking employee room

the next day fucker was climbing out eating other animals and then climbing back in his own shit like what I've been here the whole time! I'm just glad they didn't eat me. I'm just glad they didn't eat me, honestly. That was wild. Yeah, that octopus. They had to put

him in a whole new enclosure that he couldn't open. Man, solitary. Oh, wait. Is it my turn? It is your turn. Okay. Okay, I've always wanted to do something like this. Like going to like an arts and crafts class oh i had that i wanted to do like when you like paint a ceramic figure or something or like you make your own pottery or you do that paint your own pottery shit or like a sip and paint um

something like that i do when i go home. Stitching bitch. Or like a cooking class. Going to like a like a crafts thing or maybe like a cooking class or something. Something like that. I do when I go home. They do have like a trap and paint where it's like a sip and paint but you're listening

to trap music the whole time. I thought you were saying you went home and sold drugs. I was like, madam. No. No, no, no, no. I was trapping, but also painting. Yes, it was like, ooh, drugs, sir.

What do you think of my brush technique? No? Not feeling it? All right, I'll try again. All right, two for 60. It's a fun call to go do something that neither one of you are good at, so you both have that vulnerability where you're like, oh, we're doing this craft that we haven't done.

And then you can kind of commiserate over that. But I also like to take black men. I also like to do stuff with black men that they don't usually do. Like a guy that I was dating. No, but like little stuff. Like get paid the same as white guys. And we need to change that starting right here. Black women are getting paid less than all of y'all

if you really want to play this game. And actually Native American women getting paid less than all y'all if you really want to play this game um and actually native american women get paid less than everybody uh but like i was dating this dude who uh had been to jail and was a third generation gang member best boyfriend ever had and listen i'm not judging i'm not judging he was amazing but we put a convicted felon on ice what a fun day we went ice skating oh oh first of all oh i thought you meant you sent him to prison that sounds like a chair that sounds like a charity no you killed him i do a lot of work for convicted felons on ice we're having a gala come through we're auctioning off some shit We're auctioning off some shit.

We're auctioning off some Zumba classes. Jermaine Dupri is going to be there. He's not performing. He's not performing. He will be appearing. But he will be giving a speech. He'll be donating $500 in so-so death cash. $500 in a day.

$500 in America. Excuse me. I said dollars. Actually, $500 Dupri bucks. He has his own thing that he's doing. 7,000 North Carolina flat bills. It's just So So Def albums that he never sold. Yeah, just all those weird bass compilations.

Do you remember those? Yes, from Atlanta. He played them on the radio all the fucking time. Oh, man. If you want Jermaine Dupree to make an appearance at your event, you have to pay him extra to say other things other than So So Def. Otherwise, he's just going to say So So Def. There's a menu. Jermaine,upri to make an appearance at your event, you have to pay him extra to say other things other than so-so death. Otherwise, he's just going to say so-so death. There's a menu.

Jermaine, how you doing? So-so death. That label's not been around since the early 2000s, and you just stop it. But yeah, but so like, but it's just fun to do stuff like, you know, because their whole mind is like dates, like, you know, movies, dinner, and that's what all dates are. But it's just like, hey, man, we're going, me and my mom,

my brother going ice skating for Christmas. Come with us and it was oh and you bring the family yeah because we mean we haven't already been dating so okay that's a that's beautiful so yeah it was christmas and he came to hang out with us on christmas and so it was me my mom and my brother and my six four boyfriend on ice and it was hilarious did they give him the little ice walker like they gave little boosie he refused to take it i like little boosie a lot david i'm gonna fucking kill you shot it's fun when you bring it crazy um he refused to take it also he would have he was so tall that he would have been bent completely and have to even use it he was too big for the ice walker classic story right and so he just held on to me and the wall the entire time.

And I'd only been ice skating two times before that. So this was literally the blind leading the blind. I thought the wall was the other third generation gang member that you were with. What? I love it. I love it. The wall.

All right, we're back. I had a recording issue again. Again. This is what I get for buying my computer from John Deere. I haven't run this on a John Deere laptop. Yo, did y'all ever get those t-shirts that y'all had ordered? What is it, the Big Johnson shirt? Big Johnson?

Oh, man. They stiffed him. I got a fucking bone to pick. Bro, Big Johnson fucked me. More like a boner to pick. And haven't returned my email. to pick and haven't returned my email wow and haven't returned my email it's a big it's a big johnson thing to do i don't know i don't want to look up big johnson on twitter okay i hear you but a lot of times i've realized

that like with airlines and shit like that if they fuck me over in any kind of way you can email and email email and they never respond if you tweet at them they get back to you fucking immediately can i just say like to the because when you do that there's like people who are like oh comedians yelling at airlines on twitter we fly all the fucking time all the fucking time and we can yeah like i've had more in a year than a lot of people do in a lifetime. You're taking the airline side because it's a little bit annoying to see these tweets? Shut up. How many free jokes do you get? How many free jokes do you get on Twitter?

Most of them. Let me yell at Delta. But, like, the thing is, like, I've been on eight planes. Like, when I was on the road, I was on eight planes in ten days. Yes. Yup. There are people that have not been on eight planes in a row are fucking grown ass adults. That's what I'm saying.

Right. So David was saying like, we're going more flights than people in a month that people do in a fucking lifetime. So I have a customer service issue with something that has been get with a company that has been getting real coins for me. Three, four, five, six, $700 fucking flights. And there's an issue. If you don't want to tell me, you don't want to talk to me, four, five, six, $700 fucking flights. And there's an issue. If you don't want to tell,

even want to talk to me, bitch, I'm going to social media. And if you have a, oh, comedian side of it. First of all, whenever people, I have learned, the first thing I learned

about getting on social media after getting on the show is the delete button. There's plenty of people that say ugly stuff to me. And some people like going back and forth with them. You came to find me. I don't know you don't go back you duvall told you don't be like that no you got on my internet looking for me trying to holler at the sun bitch no delete uh-uh julio

torres the snl writer and comedian has this really funny tweet where it's like my uh my tweets are an installation it's not to be like you go to the museum and you look at it this is not an interactive thing oh that's how i feel about every i was telling somebody that that's why i enjoy doing it but like that's why i don't like twitch either entertainment isn't supposed to be curated by like you just watch it i would never go to a concert i'm not one of those people who's like free bird or play this song you go you watch what they gave to you exactly you can talk shit afterwards but that's not how that shit works i do that now for the longest time i treated my fucking twitter like a royal rumble it was just like whoever wants to run in i'll fight them

no fuck that and now i'm like what the hell did that get me loves going back and forth with people on twitter but she's so good at it yeah yeah she likes to fight she's like a crowd work comedian yeah yeah but like on twitter but yeah she's like doing crowd work on twitter and it's just like but marcella's so good at it because like you gotta have the mind space for that because i'm not gonna argue with strangers because i don't have i don't know you well enough to really hit you with the realness because the thing is i'm going back and forth with you nope i can't be like that's why that's why your dad didn't come back or whatever yeah you know everything about me all i know is that your name is like biscuits and gravy 69 and your picture's a dog like i don't know you've been on twitter since 2011

and you have 40 followers i I gotta talk to you? I gotta talk to fucking you? You're not my peer. No, some dude came on me on Facebook because whenever I post something that people don't agree with, if I do a piece on the show that people don't agree with, or if I say something on social media that people agree with, there's always some white dude popping up out of nowhere

calling me fat. I can't imagine. There's plenty of times where I'm just like, so one dude was like, oh, he's like, yeah, why don't you lose some weight? And I just responded back, make me. And he had nothing else

to fucking say. Or one dude, I think it was like, I had a bunch of people come at me crazy when I did the piece, the death piece about black women's equal payday.

And one dude was like, of course, was calling me fat and all this other shit. And I'm just like, you have nothing better to do on the internet than come and call me fat. And he was like, well, just like you have nothing better to do on the internet than come and call me fat and he was like well i don't have the time

to explain to you how you were wrong so you disagree with me yeah you can play i'll tell you that instead of just saying that you disagreed with me you called me fat then this other guy he was posting on my uh like he was dming like he was was private messaging me and posting on my fan page. He was like, oh, I can tell by your name that you grew up without a father. Like all of this wild shit. Yo, yo, they come at you for that, man.

And so what I did was I just posted a screenshot, posted it to my Facebook and I was like, this is fucking wild. So one of my friends hit me up. She said, I'm on maternity leave and bored.

I'm getting his ass. So I just deleted all the messages he sent me. And I was like, fuck this. And I deleted the stuff you posted. And then she had posted something. This is like white women with a lot of time. So I had an army full of white women coming at this dude. Right.

And that's a weapon. Yeah. Weaponized white women. Oh. And so he's first album dropping this month. Yeah. of white women coming at this dude right and that's a weapon yeah weaponized white women oh and so he's first album dropping this month yeah and so because i posted it on twitter and facebook so all these white girls came at him and he said that on there that he was like a weight trainer for the new york giants so lie lie lie that's so that's a made-up internet job for sure so my friend messages me and she's like i found a

contact over at the new york giants i've been emailing them then a guy who was a reporter for us espn retweeted and was just like at the giants and was like is this how you allow your staff to treat people like people were just going at him and then was like it within like three hours he made all his profiles private. Wow. And I usually don't say shit. Man, I'm telling you, because my friend was like, she's like, I'm getting all my friends in on this. And I don't know what they were doing.

They were reporting him, blowing his shit up. You have people on the internet an inch. They take a mile, man. Very short. I only had one experience like that. I posted something about how I watched like soap operas because my mom would tape soap operas when I was a kid. They're all very good.

I had so many people come at me like, well, my mom had a job, so she couldn't do that shit. That's what they were saying to me. White dudes. Man, I heard this. I couldn't believe it. I guess my single mother was the only one who worked. And I was like-

Dude, my mom taped it cause she was at work yeah you fucking ding dong that was right there in the thing how do you feel so comfortable so fast to be like so fast they were on some like well your mom must have been like that's what they were saying like your mom must have been a welfare queen and it's

like man I'll kill your whole thing I don't give a shit when you look up the biggest cases of food stamp fraud and welfare fraud, because they pay so much attention to black people, we can't really defraud the government in those programs. So, like, there was a big news story in Atlanta, and it was just 20. They were like, and it was like, and they were like, oh, they cracked down on, like, a food stamp fraud. And they were putting up the pictures like, please don't let me black. Please don't let me black. And it was like 20 people who were like oh they cracked down on like a food stamp fraud and they were like putting up the pictures like please don't let me black please don't let me black and it was like 20 people who were like 20 people 20 white people and when you're and then you're looking at the mug shots you're like oh these people are on you ever seen like the meth mug shot yeah don't say i'm from

colorado south dakota and it was south dakota sean picks. My man is going to live forever. I told you, cut me off, dog. Cut me off. I got you. I'm done. Cut me off. I got you. Cut me off.

Oh, man, I love it. Third pick, get an ice cream. So good. This is why Sean got a fiance, because he's sweet. What's your go-to? what's your favorite ice cream spot yeah like oh favorite ice cream spot yeah like derrick queen derrick queen's dope there's nothing wrong with her i can kill you favorite ice cream spot all right i'll go there's one in sioux falls called bng milky way um i went on a date to bng one time and i thought i was being cute with this girl her name is amber and i And I was like, all right, let's order for each other.

It was first date. And I was like, I think I saw it in a movie or something. I was like, let's order for each other. That'll be fun. And she got so, so nervous, like hella nervous. She's like, I don't know what you like. And I go, it's ice cream. I like it all.

Don't get bubble gum. Or get bubble gum. She got you some plum shit. Don't put steak in it, and we'll be all right. You know? Don't put steak in it and we'll be all right, you know? Don't put steak in it. I like steak. And she just wouldn't do it. So we ended up having to order for each other

and the rest of the date was super awkward because... Oh, no. We just... Wait, she wouldn't do it and then you kept pushing it? Well, no, she wouldn't do it. So then I was like, oh, all right. But then I thought it was whack that we were just ordering our own shit.

And then the rest of the date was just weird because I looked like an asshole. But if you're moved in the Queen, then if you get you can also get some fries. I love Dairy Queen. The hot people sleep on how good their food is. Yeah, the food is really good food. Their burgers are good as fuck. Yeah, it's really good.

All the chicken sammies. I've been on like a for three weeks, about three weeks. I've been on like a pretty strict diet because for the first month of quarantine I was eating like Templeton the rat from Charlotte's Web I was just like oh yeah just drunk at a carnival everything yeah just like

pizza for breakfast it doesn't fucking matter I know what you mean I was just going insane and ice cream shout out to the exercise bike in my house dude just big shouts I was eating like crazy shit and the thing I miss the most and ice cream exercise bike in my house dude big shouts i was eating like crazy shit and the thing i miss the most is ice cream i miss ice cream so fucking much ice cream salt and straw ian i love salt and straw portland oregon's finest it's a great ice cream lines are two buck man i get i get mad at the lines it's all in straw have you tried being a portland

oregon legend damn flex sean it's time for your fourth pick we just took out you just took ice cream and your fourth pick uh mini golf i like mini golf it's a great equalizer yeah great equalizer because nobody's amazing at mini golf and anyone can get a hole in one and what a treat when someone gets a hole in one everybody celebrates some people are pretty good you're talking to one one. Yeah, I don't believe you, but yeah, mini golf. Everybody can go figure it out right now. When the core is over many AFE mini golf

tournament. Wow. I'll throw down on that. I'm pretty good. Get in my way around a putter. I know my way around a putter. I'd say I'll dust off my putter, but there's no dust on it because I use the motherfucker daily. So yeah, let's go. Yeah, mini golf. Dulce, let's go. All right.

Yeah, mini golf. Dulce, what's your fourth pick? I think it might fall into my other pick, but I said like a county fair. Damn it. Yeah, that counts. That county. That's perfectly good. Hell yeah.

Shout out to the Alameda County Fair where I saw a salt and pepper. I mean, I know they were up all night and i know they can stay up because they're on methamphetamines but i don't trust the zipper but you get on anyways it's a fun you roll the dice with your life on your very first date there's a lot of people in portland who've gone on first dates to the rose festival which is like portland's county fair uh because the state fair is in salem which is like you got to drive like to an hour you know you don't want to do that. Yeah, that's too far. Well, like Gwinnett County, where I grew up, like right outside of Atlanta, they had their own fair and it's actually really huge.

And so like there's like the rides and all the food because it's like it's great to also. So if you go to a county fair, like people watch people on dates. I love it i love the fair so much i love that they have just like really fat animals yeah oh my god because there's like perfect pigs yeah because there's state fairs and there's county fairs because like state fairs are kind of like the big deal so like there's a 4-h tent and all that other shit you kind of want to go in there but then you don't want to smell like various types of animal shit they got those horses that walk all weird you know where they're like they've been trained to walk all weird they're like this

horse walks the best weird yeah yeah yeah a thousand pound pig and you're just like i mean i get it but also what um but it's fun because it's like you spend the whole time trying not to throw up so it's like you're trying to look cool but also you're just like yeah i can eat acting like you didn't eat that elephant ear in two minutes an elephant ear all of the fried candies um a turkey leg a funnel cake a turkey leg a corn dog nachos um about 10 beers i didn't want but i had them anyways right a bunch of beers uh different type of like frosted drinks and shit and then like i can get on a roller coaster i'm fine you're pretending to check out a hot tub so you can wet burp and you're like dude you don't have to you don't have to you don't have to do this you don't have

to get on that no no no no no i'm good i'm good i'm good i'm like all right well i'm gonna just promise me if you throw up turn your head in the opposite direction or uh people thinking that ferris wheels are romantic which i've never thought because you don't think that's the romantic they scare the fuck out of me no i'm on a park bench a hundred feet in the fucking sky and the only thing keeping me from falling to my death is a boat no it's a fucking boat no I'm on a park bench in the fucking sky

and then there's one boat and one bar stopping me from meeting Jesus how many people do you know who have died in a ferris wheel accident nobody in real life is always a cousin of a friend you've never met the person. That's what I'm saying. The 1981 Minnesota Twins. All of them.

I also like the fair because also at night, Boyz II Men is going to play. It's going to be like LSG. Like, LaVert Sweatkill is going to close out the night at the fair. And that's also fun.

You know, you spend the whole time. is going to close out the night at the fair. And that's also fun. Somebody perform. And, you know, you spend the whole time. Like, and then you're still trying to win each other. And it's like that little competitive thing. And it's like, okay. It's like, hey, can I hit the ringer to the top? Maybe I'm the strongest man in the world. Maybe I'm the strongest man in the world.

David, maybe it's time for you to make your fourth pick. This guy. Silky smooth. All right. My fourth pick is Swap Me. Oh, really? I've never even seen a Swap Me. Damn it.

I was going to take that next. Ian Carmel, I've never and everybody knows damn Swap Me. Yo, it's such a fun place to go with a person. I bet. It's kind of like the fair where there's all that shit you can buy. And it's like you're just buying people's junk. So you're like, oh, look at these polarized sunglasses or whatever. It's just like the Swap Me is so much fun, especially Denver. Shout out to mile high swap meet

uh like there's one at the rose season three of saint elsewhere on vhs yeah yeah you want to buy knockoff nike shorts i do this whoops the wrong way and upside down yeah you want to buy a barry bond san diego padres jersey yeah you'reres? Yeah. 30 extra medium undershirts that are like pink for some reason. Like, yeah, man.

They're not. I feel like a swap meet is the other place you can get those weird, like, lacquered posters on wood that you can get at a state fair.

Yeah. Or like your name on rice. Yeah. Or like, or like, do you remember the women on the original Outkast CDs? Yeah.

You can get like velvet paintings of them. Okay, good. They don't have them in a crate and barrel. And I'm like, what kind of operation is this? No, the swap meet, it's so much fun. You always walk away. Last time I went to a swap meet, I bought a portrait of James Brown's mugshot on wood. Just like you get weird shit there.

It's great people watching. And it's a place where you can buy a bunch of shit for $20. So it's still pretty cheap. Kids being completely unregulated but having $20. Oh, yeah, yeah yeah yeah gangs of children i missed that when i was a kid was going to the swap meet my mom would give me like five bucks and you were gonna get like 50 things uh it is time for my fourth and then final picks as it is a serpentine draft and we'll make that final round a rapid fire one because we do go on. We do go on.

Wait, so did I make all my picks already then or do I have to go on more? Okay. This is going to be wild too. My second last pick is going to be a walk down a cute street with a bunch of shops on it. Yeah. You know those cute streets? Like a Hallmark movie? Yeah.

Yeah. They're like, they have them in Portland, you you know like hawthorne is one of them or like you can walk down mississippi or alberta or whatever it's that place in la that you like it's on venice or down by the boardwalk oh uh abbott kenny in los angeles abbott kenny or marchmont as well yeah they're just cute there's like cute little shops you duck in and you look at some tchotchkes. Maybe there's an ice cream place. Maybe you grab a coffee. It's like a bunch of little things that you do all together. You know, there's no perfect.

That's beautiful. There's no one big overarching thing. It's just like a walk in. And then there's a little people watching element, too. So you can comment on stuff. Yeah. That's walking down Phillips Avenue is where you're going. So Phillips Avenue.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You guys will walk down it with me and we'll fucking skip Tommy Jacks because they're dead to me now. Oh no. Oh yeah. Cause they didn't close. Right.

Yeah. They're dead to me. I'll never go there again. That's crazy. I'll never get a new owner. What a dark day. Oh shit. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, I love that. A cute, a cute walk on a street. I walk in the street. I love it. Um cute walk on a cute street. A walk on the street. I love it. And then let me... This is a tough first date one.

Most of my first dates are like dinner. But this is... I don't know. This would probably never... Well, I don't know if I can take it. I like cooking dinner for people. I'm going to take it anyway. It's not a great...

It's not a great first date thing. You either got to go to their house or they got to come to your house. I know. It's more of a date thing. I'm not going to a dude's house on a first date. On the words of my mama, arrive alive. It's straight up not a good pick. I will claim that right now.

It's fine. Yeah, but it's all right. But I had to get it out. So that's my last pick. David Borey. Oh, okay. We're doing lightning round. First pick is a baseball game. Oh, that's my last pick david bory oh okay we're doing lightning is a baseball game oh that's cute you got to make sure you're in a shade part though so you know yeah you gotta get good seats you gotta get good seats like it's almost like the baseball game it's almost better to be far away

so that you can be under the overhang you know what i'm saying yeah but it's like a good place to just hang out drink some beer there's enough action going that you can watch it but also you can talk about whatever you want it's like the sixth inning yeah and it's just like yeah like oh we got to get out of here before because we parked wherever it's just like a great time uh excellent pick dual say your final pick uh the wildest date i ever went on was uh that's a whole different draft whole different draft hold on just and this was the first date and this was the wildest thing that's ever happened been a first date so i had to pick it um he took me out to dinner and then we uh randomly stopped and like we were going back to his place and wait a second right you're going back to where i already knew him i already knew him

he was a friend of my ex the call was coming from inside the house i see he was a friend of my ex i've met him a couple times i've known him for months he wasn't going to kill me um and so he stopped at this random apartment complex and he gets back in the car and i I'm just like, that's never good. Yeah. And so I was like, did you just sell? He's like, yep. And I was like, okay.

So in the middle of our first day, he sold weed to somebody. Whoa, that's crazy. But the thing is, he didn't tell me that I was in a car with drugs in it. He didn't tell me that he was going to sell those drugs to someone while we were on the date okay and then didn't think that this was the thing he had to tell me yeah and cooking dinner for someone's weird yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're right and you're psycho so wait is your pick is your pick selling drugs it's like a nut so it's a wild thing to do is on a first date yeah i want to do a wild ass pick and that is selling drugs with him i love it i

can't tell you the truth and maybe we can do this off air i've done that before all right i've sold drugs on i've sold it was a very specific situation, but yeah, I sold drugs on her. But did she know you were going to do it? No, she didn't know I did it. To this day, she doesn't know. Oh, he legit, when he got in the back of the car, I was like, did you just? He's like, well, yeah. And I'm like, dude, you could have dropped me off at your house and then did this. You could have left me anywhere else for doing this.

I might have purchased on a date. I don't want any, I don't want any drugs involved. I don't. I i don't want any drugs involved i don't i understand it was wild so to defend myself by the way my situation was i was at a place where somebody was giving me the hookup and they were like if you want to continue to get the hookup run across the street and handle this for me real fast oh so i was like i gotta go to the bathroom went across did that came, came back, handed it off and then kept drinking all night.

Yeah, it wasn't a drug deal. No, that is fucking wild, David. Sean, your final pick. Thanks, Ian. My final pick is going to be a haunted house. I like a haunted house. It can work out. I don't like that.

Oh, because you get the touching. Yeah, yeah. Right around Halloween, you're vulnerable and, you know, like a haunted house. Like if you go like to New Orleans and there's like haunted stuff, you can go on're vulnerable and, you know, like a haunted house. Like if you go to New Orleans and there's haunted stuff, you can go on a tour or something. So just the whole city, basically? Yeah, yeah, the whole city. Then they go down there to New Orleans.

They go down to New Orleans to a haunted house. Start by Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop. They go all haunted. You go down there to a haunted house now with a little Wayne. There you go. Okay, then the man might know you. They ain't gonna sell a horse. I'll pay them in a mag to magnolia. Go down there and be cash money.

Go down to a haunted house around the street now you're gonna be juvenile now. They got the flame theme urban camel pants down now. Oh, in the 400 degrees

haunted house? I would go to that. I would pay for that. You go get a Creole wrap now and then you go down around the corner you meet Drew Brees now and you get down

to the haunted house and you meet a Creole. You walk around the corner, bam, there's a mystical standing right there. Oh, there's like a Master P wing

where you should see me and X's career just hanging out with the fucking audience. Oh, there's like a Master P wing. Where you should see me and X's career just hanging up on the fucking island. What do you think happened to her? Oh, man. That's the final pick. We all had excellent picks. I went first. I took a walk on the beach and then dinner and then getting hammered and then walking down a cute street with a bunch of little shops on it

and then uh cooking dinner for someone which you know i know i understand david you went second you took going to the getty museum the rocky whore pictures show the zoological gardens a swap meet and then a baseball game sounds good dual. Dulce, you went third. You took a science museum, a barcade, arts and crafts, a county fair, and then selling weed. Sean Jordan, you went last. You took The Mall,

a movie, ice cream, mini golf, and a haunted house. What a sweetie. That's the whitest thing I've ever heard. I know, I'm white. I realize I'm like holy buckets dude that is some white skin as you're drafting but you have a fiance you're doing it right

if it pleases the court I actually have a sixth pick that I'd like to make we don't usually do this but I will Marissa is it okay if we do a sixth pick let's check with the commissioner I'll allow it all right allow it that's the first time i've heard you crack the whip i like it thank you

uh now i'm gonna make this pick for my friend alissa uh and here is the pick for for alissa's pick uh she's gonna pick a walk in the park in chicago not just any park but albany park and we're walking in the park after grabbing some all you can eat sushi uh it sounds like a pretty chill first date and it was uh but it also changed her life little did she know that this would be the first the last first date that she ever had uh would also be the date that helped her change her life and meet her new best friend and i have goosebumps and soulmate cheesy i don't think it's cheesy. The person on the date was named Shannon. Shannon and Alyssa, they're not super traditional.

I'm going to start crying while I'm reading. This is crazy. They're not super traditional. Sorry, I lost where I'm at because I have tears in my eyes. They've technically already planned the wedding and they've secured their uniforms. They're planning out the finer details. An actual proposal uh is yet to actually take place um and that's why alissa is reaching out she would like uh to take this

opportunity to officially ask shannon to uh to marry her so alissa asking shannon will you marry I'm gonna cry too he better say yes Shannon that's a yes Shannon Alyssa wants to thank you for sharing your life with her and your 7 year old son Siler very very important part of her life as well so yeah I hope by now that you're all crying as well and that you've said yes

and now you know do what lovers do after they have some ice cream. Do everything we just said. Fuck. So, yeah. Technically, my sixth pick. My bench is going on a long walk in Albany Park after small.

You can eat sushi. I love that. That's one of the six men of the year if that's on the bench. That is so beautiful. Congratulations, Shannon and Melissa. Congratulations. Congratulations. I'm already planning the wedding. I'm assuming it's congratulations. Or it'sisa congratulations you're already planning the

wedding i'm assuming it's congratulations or it's shannon you schmuck it's that it's one of the i don't think it's going to be shannon you schmuck but just in case or elisa you monster i don't know we have to plan for anything we hope the two of you are happy and healthy and and uh and can't wait until you're able to go out and get married for real. I think that's so wonderful. And thank you for letting us be a small part of it. I'm happy about that.

Look at y'all bringing love together. Oh, bunch of monkeys. It's great. We want to hear your picks and your congratulations to Shannon and Alyssa. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter, AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE

subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Now over a thousand members, which is insane. Sean's got to shave his head now, or what was he going to be? Sean's got to shave his head. What? Is it the Shane ponytail ransom?

It's like the same thing? It's the ransom. Look at that hair. It's long. It's so much of it. We're definitely going to plan a live stream once we know we can do it. Yes, we're going to plan a live stream for you for sure. We're going to do a few other cool things.

But thank you so much for holding us down. We really appreciate it. Shout out to super producer Marissa on the ones and twos, as always, the backbone of this podcast. And so, and a few others too. You know what I mean? Just like say she's mostly this one. Mostly this one.

There are no other podcasts besides. Oh, that good point. Good point. Besides there's black ass porn. Oh, that's the other one. That is not what it's called. Shout out to Franky Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude.

Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Black ass porn. Porn. Oh, my God. Ah!