All Fantasy Everything - Places To Hide A Body (w/ Rosebud Baker)

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

It gets real weird, real fast.Episode Guest:Rosebud Baker (IG: @rosebudbaker)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So there will be some references to this being the first episode of Femme Noire. However, it is not, obviously. I trust you guys to be intelligent and smart enough to figure that out. All right, here's the episode. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we are drafting places to hide a body with our guest, the stand-up comedian, writer, just wonderful all-around person, Rosebud Baker. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me as always are my good friends, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All fantasy everything. The very first episode of February where for the entire month we are going to be drafting

with guests who we have never had on the podcast before. Yeah. Jewish guests. Is that not? February. Exclusively. Rosebud, you're Jewish, right? Sure, for this podcast. Yeah. Fantastic. Alright, perfect. Can I be Jewish for a minute? No. For a couple hours? No, no, no. You won be Jewish for a minute? For a couple hours?

No, no, no. You won't have me, huh? I'm not welcome? No. You won't have me. You guys were nicer than that. We won't have it. We won't have it.

We won't have it. We got enough bad PR right now, Sean. We don't need you. I'll stay Irish. What would I do to your PR? Besides say it was dope all the time. I'm happy, brother. All right. You can be Jewish. Thank you. You just have to ask three times. Shalom.

I appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you. It was nice of you. It's Febnuary. It's Febjuary. Rosebud, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me, guys. I'll get right into the intro. Well, no. First of all, we were talking about uh you you you are three months removed from having a baby three and a half now at this point yes three

months removed is a nice way to put it like you gave it up for adoption she's been inserted right that's like the nicest way to say i'm i have postpartum depression that's like a nice way to put it which i don't think i do but you know just toss up mom was removed the first three months after i was born it was right it was a bummer like she was there but she just wasn't there you know what i mean three months removed from having a child yeah because then it's over right you have a child and then three months out you're fine and all the work is done yeah yeah yeah Yeah. Yada, yada, yada. Graduation.

Absolutely. You put out food and water. You make a big enough, you know, cardboard box and throw some pillows in there. Because they like a box, right? They like the walls around them. Or they think of a cat. Yeah. Cats or babies.

You're thinking of inmates, I think. Inmates. Right. Yeah. I don't know if like is the word. Yeah, they don't like it. I don't want to say it. Sean's a hardcore conservative. Just think he's like far far right oh good that's why i got booked on this right yeah yeah absolutely and this baby came from a man and a woman if

i'm not mistaken correct as god intended there we go thank you thank you i shouldn't start like this no let's start let's bring it up to it It's fun talking to a brand new parent Cause I like these guys gave me so much shit Cause all I did was kvetch To use the vernacular We didn't give you shit and thank you for using kvetch Oh easy to backpedal everybody go back and listen

About 200 episodes ago 150 And see what these dudes were doing I was thinking you were talking about your vasectomy I was thinking of hearing that vasectomy talk. It's funny you should bring up a vasectomy. I left my cape at home, but I did get a vasectomy too. So yeah, I'm out here. Great. See, I feel like vasectomy people are

worse about talking about their vasectomies than people are about kids. Yes, we definitely are. Big time. It's the opposite of talking about your kid in a way. They seem more proud of the vasectomy every time. Even when they have kids, they seem more proud of the

vasectomy. Keep going. Keep going. You're not going to hear me rebut on this. You have a point. This is a very valid and fair point. Every episode he was discussing his elective nut surgery and it was just over and over and over again. It's called a vasectomy, but yeah. And nobody ever talks about my selective nut surgery. And it was just over and over and over again. It's called a vasectomy, but yeah.

And nobody ever talks about my selective nut surgery. And that fucking hurts. They didn't have room for all those. Yeah, they had to trim down. That's good for you. Congratulations, David, by the way. Thank you, thank you. I'm a hero, but I don't know. I just had it smoothed out.

Oh, Botox. You got the wrinkles taken out? Yeah, yeah. Kind of a Botox. So it looks like a Louis Vuitton bag. I had a Louis Vuitton logo. Yeah. I'm glad your nuts always look surprised.

It's also not one of the like flashier Louis Vuitton. It's more of like the quiet luxury sort of look where it's like, if you know, you know. Yeah. You can kind of see yourself in it a little bit. Yes. Yes. It's not like a big, bright can kind of see yourself in it a little bit. Yes. Yes. It's like a big, bright Louis Vuitton print.

Like a basketball court. Right. It's a basketball. Yeah. I love that. That's right. Yeah. I love that.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Sean Jordan is here. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. Sean got a vasectomy. I didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up. Where can people see you do stand-up comedy?

You can hear a whole bit about that if you go to Comedy Central's latest season of featuring, I'll tell you that. I think March 21st will be at the Egyptian Theater in Boise. I think that's probably the only thing. Also, come to High Note Comedy last Thursday of every month. High Note Comedy in Portland, Oregon. Shane Brennan and I I never say it, but we

have Tom Takar this month? I'll tell you where we're going to be tonight is the Desert Ridge Improv. The three of us. Wait, oh, wait, no, no. Oh, this is... Oh, February.

This comes out in Feb-new-ary. Feb-new-ary. What a dipshit. Then yes, we do have Tom Takar at the end of the month, but yes, come to Phoenix tonight as well. SeanJordanComedy.com.

I digress. Yeah. Feb-new-ary. I like this. Femnuary. You're kicking it off for us. We're very excited to have you. No presh.

Well, I feel it already. Lots of pressure. I didn't feel it until you said no presh, but now I'm actually racked with nerves. I mean, I know that you're a clutch player, so I wanted that for you. I feel like this is a motivational tactic. You do better when

the heat's up. It's not your responsibility that HeadGum, the network, called us and said, hey, you guys are on thin ice. You really need this February month of podcast to hit. I believe game changer was the term they used. Okay, cool.

They said sink or swim, last-ditch effort. They took a picture of Sean's kid, tore it in half, kind of like Sinead O'Connor with the Pope. Great. And you guys were like, let's call a comic whose brain cells have melted from having a child, and we'll just have her. Great.

Yeah, that's cool. I love to perform under pressure. I love it. Honestly, we're tanking this thing. We're selling it for insurance money. Don't even worry about it. This whole shit's a fucking ruse. Sean, do you want to say Jewish lightning?

Do I? I don't know. I haven't been Jewish very long. Is that something we say? You can. You can try. Try it out. I think that a good rule of thumb

anytime you join a group is to not say words that you think only they can say for the first month like 30 days maybe don't try the spicy stuff I just said I tried kvetch out earlier

and that seemed to float so I'm okay that was great it sounded very natural coming out of your lips. Thank you. David Boyd, CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Where can people see you do stand-up comedy? Don't ever come see me do stand-up comedy. Watch Royal Crackers Season 2 on HBO Max or Adult Swim. Wait, when is this?

It's not out. This comes out February 1st. February 1st. Fuck! People should come see you tonight at the desert ridge yeah come see me at the desert ridge come see these new bits i've been working that quite honestly didn't work in cleveland last weekend but who knows i got a cruise ship in seattle to tighten them up before this happens i'm so happy. It's going to be great. Come see those bits.

Tonight. A live podcast. Us doing stand-up. It's going to be great. It is going to be dope, dude. I don't know. That shit in D.C. was fire. I had a great time. So I'm excited to see it for you guys in February. D.C. and Phoenix. Slightly different demographics, but I believe in Phoenix.

Yeah. I believe in it. Rosebud Baker is here. rosebud baker on instagram not on twitter is that right no i left hell yeah good for you yeah david did too david too yeah i really admire that i said forget it now you're on threads though right yes i am on threads yeah i actually am on threads yeah huge on threads um i uh all my dates can be found on my website rosebudbaker.com but um i'm not announcing a tour until later this year so awesome you could just follow me on instagram that's good follow you on instagram that's better yeah. Yeah. Keep it clean.

You were just on a verified on, on a Netflix. Yes. Hell yeah. Life and Beth. Yeah. Uh, life and Beth on Hulu.

Uh, I'm on verified standup on Netflix that is streaming now. And you can see my special on comedy central's YouTube. It's called whiskeykey Fist. Fantastic. Now I want to be Irish again. They said Whiskey Fist. It gets me going.

I'm excited. Yeah. You're going to be an Irish Jew. Yeah. Yeah, I could be an Irish Jew. Or I don't know the rules, Ian. Is that... Do they do that?

I don't know how many Irish Jews there are. There's got to be one guy holding it down. I want to hear how that guy talks. I could be Jewish. I don't know if I've met one Irish Jew that guy talks. I don't know if I've met one Irish Jew in my life. I don't know if I've... It feels wrong for me to say Jew. It doesn't feel right.

I don't like it. Saying he's an Irish Jew does feel problematic. But like one on the island? That would be very exciting. I want to hear a person talk who seeped in both those cultures

lots of Judaism and Italian crossover in New York but the Irish who were there as well didn't seem to get into the you know the Italians seem to be the middle circle of the Venn diagram of the New York white immigrants Jews, Irish

Italian in the middle no let's talk about their breeding habits this is getting good early on let's get it out which of those groups do you think is the most secretive and sneaky oh i okay you almost got me. Yeah, you want to take a second before you answer sometimes. You want to stop and think. Before you say the Irish.

People can see Whiskey Fist on Comedy Central's YouTube page, and that's available now. People can see that now? Yes. Yes. That is available now. Yeah. So many places to enjoy. Also, you can watch her on this joker with her man Will Smith

oh my god cause what a weekend that was did that ever see the light of day I think it's on I think it's on Roku it is I have the Roku dude you didn't tell me that nobody told me that

yeah nobody was I don't know if you've been watching Will Smith there was a lotin. Dude, you didn't tell me that. Nobody told me that. Yeah. I don't want to go see it. Nobody was. I don't know if you've been watching Will Smith. There was a lot of other news going on. You can tell me. Yeah. You can text me or something. I forgot about it. Well, I'm going to go watch it right now.

Yeah. I think now it feels a little bizarre to be like, hey, Will Smith was fostering a bunch of young comics in Vegas. Now I wish we did it with Jada. I know. That would have been the credit. Oh, Red Tabletops? Honestly, I think that would have kept

that whole platform alive. What was the platform it was supposed to be on? Quibi. Quibi. Jada could have saved Quibi for sure. Mm-hmm. Oh. If we would have found out that, like,

Will Smith had you in a boxing gym where he was just practicing slapping, like, up-and-coming stand-up comedians getting ready for the oscars like that that could have been a twist on the series yeah two years three years in advance just yeah you gotta get ready everybody thought that was an impromptu moment absolutely not will will smith won an oscar he approaches a role seriously there's no's no impromptu. No impromptu Will Smith moments. No, he slapped comedians with half hours.

He slapped comedians, you know what I mean? Like all over the map. You know, he was slapping Emo Phillips, I heard, for a while. Like he put the work in. Emo Phillips slapped him back. Yeah. One of my favorite pranks was after that slap. I printed out a photo of the moment and framed it

and signed it. Thanks for your support, Will. And I put it in Che's dressing room at Saturday Night Live. That's so funny. That was one of my most proud pranks, but he didn't know it was me right away

which is unfortunate it's still funny man yeah i was like it doesn't i do like pranking people yeah i'm not a big prankster but like if one comes to me where i'm like oh that's fun then i'll do it i like that i just get scared even if i text something where it's supposed to be i get scared like oh they're gonna think i'm serious for a second it's to like wreck a part of their day and then it's going to snowball I get too in my head about it that's the point I know I get freaked out I don't want to do that I get nervous I feel like it can't

ruin somebody's day for it to be fun it has to be something where somebody's just like a little confused and you get to like laugh your ass off by yourself you know yeah I've only ever been on one prank really yeah we in high school we he's gonna he's gonna hate that i told this story we put sam talent in a diaper

and and then our friend james poffle worked at wal Walmart and he was like not a cool guy. Like he played football. Yeah. White guy with two hoop earrings. You know what I mean? Just very self-serious. Yeah. And we greased up Sam and he ran in and James was working the counter and he picked him

up and like shook him and rubbed on him and then ran off. It was a good prank though. It was a very good prank. Oh, that's a great prank. You were running the lights, Sam Talent? Yeah, it was a good time. was a very good prank. That's a great prank. It was a good time. That's a great prank. That's really good. I bet Sam felt comfortable in the diaper.

Yeah, he's fine. I feel like it was more talking him into it than you would have thought. What was the inseam? I don't remember. It was big, though. Size 40 diaper? He was way bigger in high school than he is now, so it was bigger size 40 diaper he was way bigger in high school than he is now

so it was like bigger those tight ends gotta bulk up it was like when we were trying to start we tried to start

a fraternity it was a weird time not a good time being in high school around the time Jackass was on television was like there were a lot of

people just doing the chaos without any of the humor I'm still mad at myself we did the fire in the hole I walked up to a drive-thru and did the fire in the hole one time with a broken foot just doing the chaos without any of the humor. You know, I'm still mad at myself. We did the fire in the hole. I walked up to a drive-thru and did the fire in the hole one time with a broken foot.

I had a boot on my foot. Yeah, a boot on my foot. And I walked up to the drive-thru window, still found a way to throw a big ass diet Coke at this dude that I didn't even get at that McDonald's. And then the older you get, you're like, man, that guy went home and like,

got in a fight with like, got in an argument with someone and like maybe got divorced over that. You know, I just, I get, that's what I'm saying. I don't like doing that because it home and like got in a fight with like gotten an argument with someone and like maybe got divorced over that you know i just i get that's what i'm saying i don't like doing that because it makes me like how did i affect the rest of his day you know you can have pranks that don't have fire no you can't well it wasn't fire it was a coke i didn't light it on fire i'm not a lunatic i just threw a huge coke at the stranger i'm not crazy oh okay okay okay i'm sorry anyways what are we doing here my name is i Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, Ian Carmel on Instagram,

TikTok, YouTube, all of those things. Please pre-order my book, T-Shirt Swim Club. Memoir? I gotta perfect this better. Kind of a memoir in 13 essays or so about being fat, growing up fat, losing

weight, the way fat, losing weight, the way fat people are portrayed in culture, all of those things written by me. And then my little sister, who is a psychologist, comes in after every chapter and tells you what was really going on in each of those chapters. That's awesome. It was so much fun to write. People are digging it.

We've got the galleys out there. Does she have her little sister and she comes in and she's like, Ian was being a baby. There's a little bit of that. Everybody out there, just let you know, it wasn't that bad for him. Just one word chapters, cap. You have

a psychologist gaslighting you in your own book. That's amazing. That's the prose I want to read. You got to get a good read, baby. That is a great idea. So you can pre-order that now. Pre-orders help a lot. If you go to bookshop.org, it will allow you to do it

through one of your local bookstores, which keeps that money in your town rather than going to Amazon. But if you want to pre-order on Amazon, I'm not going to tell you not to do that. I'm not going to be the guy telling you not to do that. Stand-up-wise, I will be at Zany's in Chicago on the 18th, but it's sold out. Thank you for doing that.

I really appreciate that. I just want to thank you for buying tickets to those shows. March 8th and 9th, Sean Jordan and I will be at Sports Drink in New Orleans, Louisiana. And then I'll be at the Punchline in San Francisco. First time to New Orleans for you. It's I'll be at the Punchline in San Francisco. First time to New Orleans for you. It's going to be amazing. Whale bones all weekend. Whale bones all weekend. You're going to drink a hurricane out of a trombone, dude.

I think that's what we're going to get going. I'm going to drink a lot of stuff out of a trombone, my friend. Man, watch out for those hurricanes, though. Nope. That shit's a problem. Every time. You're going to have like two of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're all right. I sure can. I will. Thanks. I appreciate it. You sure can? Yeah. Next thing you know, you're trying to break

into a Manny Fresh set on Magazine Street. That was very specific, David. Yeah, that's what happened. Manny passed the mic! Manny Fresh! We have to I'll say I was in the booth again Manny I've been in the booth dude I get it

come see Sean hung over at the Preservation Hall jazz jazz concert the morning of our show that's gonna be great but March 8th and then I'll be at San Francisco the punchline the next weekend and then March 23rd Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon.

March 21st, Boise, Idaho. Come check out all those shows. But enough about stand-up comedy. It's time to get into our draft topic today. We are talking about places to hide a body. Rosebud, this was your idea. Yeah, get in there, psycho. What was the...

New mother, Rosebud Baker. What's on the mind? It's not in there, psycho. Yeah, yeah. What was the new mother roast butt baker? What's on the mind? It's not you are not connected. I need to be very, very clear for the internet and for the cop.

Well, sometimes I Google connected. I started Googling like places, too. And I'm like, no, don't make that something you searched for. I was going to say

this was a real hard one to like. I didn't want to type it in. I'm like, no, I don't want it. So these are all off the dome. That's going to say, this was a real hard one to do any research on. No, I don't want it. So these are all off the dome. That's why it's a weird list. Anyway, I interrupted. I actually did Google it and then immediately was like, oh, I already did that. Damn it.

I always read about some gay shit who just did it and got caught. You got to hide places to hide a body. You have to Google places to hide a body, LOL. Yeah. Or just a bunch of stuff you're not doing. Also, how do kangaroos have sex?

I did type in where to hide big things, and then it was like your mailbox. I'm like, that's not a fucking body size. I can fit a body in the mailbox. What am I doing? Where to hide something the size of a body? Something a murderer would never think of Google. I have to be clear that I only came up with this

because I was in Florida and I feel like all the murders that I watch on TV not in real life happen in Florida. You know? It feels like a place that a lot of murder happens. Right?

For sure. It feels like it. Yeah, yeah a lot of murder happens. Right. For sure. It feels like it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's that much coastline too. Yeah. There's the humidity and there's the,

um, and I think probably it's poverty related. I, I must, I guess I'm making an assumption, but, um, manatees,

you see a manatee and you're like, well, nothing matters. Yeah. Yeah. If that's, if that's real's real then what is like then what the fuck is anything be so funny if somebody was so inspired by a manatee they're like i'm gonna kill my whole family i think that's what it is yeah they're like i need to i have not been living my true life gotta do it then i can shine can i also put up an idea did you notice in and maybe you guys don't feel this way. So I'm curious to see.

Do you guys feel like people in Florida are oddly attractive? I don't. Adjacent to that. You should follow mugshot is on. I'll back up. You want to talk about that? No, I'm very curious. I just every time I go down there, it's like there's a lot of really hot beach people.

And I feel like that many hot people baking under the sun would lead to a lot of crimes of passion. Are you talking about Miami specifically? I'm talking even Tampa. I feel like in Florida, you're either an eight to ten or a one to three. Nobody. There's not a lot of in between there's really not a lot of in-between. There's not a lot of in-between. That's true. There's not like a girl or guy next door type in Florida.

I don't know if you get that. I don't even think of Miami as Florida. I just don't really connect the two ever in my brain. I always go like, oh yeah, Miami's there. It's like a South American metropolis that happens to exist in our country is how it feels every time I'm there. It looks like the Latin Grammys down there.

Yeah. It's crazy. And a little further up the coast, it's the Jewish Grammys if you go to West Palm Beach. As in grandmothers. Because that's like most of my experience in Florida was going to visit my grandparents in Florida.

So I was just like, oh, Florida? Yeah, it's got great deli and a thriving Jewish community. That's like what I thought of Florida. And Haitians. And Haitians. Yeah. And a lot of Haitian nurses. You could get some of the best deli I've ever had has been in Florida just because there's's so many like new york expats i thought you're gonna say was from haitians from haitians

bunch of dudes speaking french making pates yeah um sorry i just we both just said um at the same time like we were high school crushes yeah um so anyway okay bye I'm gonna run down the hallway like Naruto you hang up first dude we used to do we say you hang up and then we would sit there and like breathe on the phone and just that was hurting and then your mom picks up and she's like you fucking hang up you know that she hangs up and I'd be like I don't really have a bedtime

but I'm gonna go to bed but it's not my bedtime I'm just going because I'm tired and it's not because she called I'm cashed out but it has nothing to do

with what my mom just said I was playing a lot of massively multiplayer online role playing games at the time so most of my flirting happened via text oh hell yeah

to other 15 yearyear-old dudes. Yeah, for sure. Pretending to be girls. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Absolutely. You mean Cool Jugs 420 wasn't a girl? Cool Jugs 420, the

paladin? The chaotic neutral paladin? Yes. we are drafting places to hide a body the entire state of florida would be a good answer for that by the way now the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissor shoot oh Rosebud wins a natural victory a natural win

as the winner it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that I will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that yeah it's like standing line at the bank how about that or like you know you got to go through all the the line at the like the bank

teller they have all the tape set up so you go in you go to the left uh and then you go up a little bit and you go all the way back to the right you're on the same side for a second go up a little bit all the way back to the left go up a little bit all the way back to the right until you're at the bank teller it's essentially what it is. Oh, great. Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Got it. We go through five rounds. The other one I had was a little more

convoluted, but I got it like, oh, what is that? So, yeah, that was great. Rosemond, what will the order of the draft be? I'll go first. Dave, you want to go second hell yeah sean third ian fourth perfect fantastic hot corner great great rosebud you have the first pick in the places to hide a body all fantasy everything fantasy draft and we're going to get to that pick

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everything already in progress the only podcast that has ever existed this is it one of the only forms of recorded media so we really appreciate you right up there i know the eagles had an album they put out once but other than us it's hell's us. It's Hell Freezes Over by the Eagles. And then it's like field recordings of Swamp Sands. Yeah. And that's what you can listen to. And that guy that was watching Mount St. Helens blow up and he was like a hundred yards away.

Oh, it was too close. And then they found the recording. I listened to it when we were there. It is gnarly. Cause he's not even, he doesn't sound like I would. I'll tell you that. How would you sound?

Fucking bummed. He sounds like he's not even, he doesn't sound like I would. I'll tell you that. How would you sound? Fucking bummed. He sounds like he's in awe. He's like, it's happening. It's happening. I'm just like, man, I'd be screaming. I'd be crying. Yeah, I'd be a little more miffed. You'd be like, oh, no.

No, no. You'd be miffed. Rose, but it's time for your first pick. Where would you hide about it? Okay, so this is going to sound pretty heartless, you know, but I've seen a lot of true crime. We'll get heartless, baby. And I've thought about it, and I, I think where John Wayne Gacy went wrong, aside from the, all the murders. And you would say the only place he went wrong.

Not even aside from all the murders. Arguably. I would say next to all the murdering, was that he hid the bodies in the basement of his own house, under his own home. There we go. So, I would say,

and it's heartless, but I think under your mother's home. Do it. Wow. That ain't heartless. You think your mom wants you to get caught? That's not heartless at all. That came up. My mom's house for sure came up. Yeah. Yeah.'t heartless. You think your mom wants you to get caught? That's not heartless at all. That came up.

My mom's house for sure came up. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I think that's got to be my first pick because it's, you know, it's like, first of all, nobody believes women. Right.

So, he could be like, my house, it stinks. And everybody's like, shut up, you old lady. Take a shower, you old bag. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. exactly so there's that and then also um nobody's really like nosing around her home if anything they're not gonna go oh there's a dead body here they're gonna be like something's wrong with this house and this poor old lady probably has alzheimer's and like needs some help like they're're, it's not going to be, they're not going to her going, there's a crime scene here.

Yeah. People would think she died and then they would go do a wellness check. And then when she was alive, they'd be so relieved that they might not even remember to check for the source of the smell. They probably won't even bring it up.

They'll be like, oh, thank God she's alive. And let's not let her know what she smells like. Man, it stinks in that alive woman's house over there. Would all of your moms let you bury a body under her house? Fuck no. No. Oh, yeah. Kelly Jordan would go to the mats for sure.

Oh, absolutely not. Absolutely. No way. No, no way in hell. This is funny because we're like we're split down the middle because my mom, she I can't. If she knew, my mom, I can't think of... If she knew? My mom wouldn't even let me go under there

if she didn't know what I was doing. I was just under her porch for a few hours. True. I think she might question the ethics, but if I was like, there's no way out of this for me except burying this body under the house, yeah, she'd in a heartbeat.

Yeah. I think my mom wouldn't do it. She wouldn't even make me feel that bad about it she would like try to like to relieve some of the guilt or it's like well you know everybody dies eventually anyway and they probably should have paid you what he owed you and then and if he would have paid you you wouldn't have had to kill him and bury him in the house so it's yeah yeah it's two-way street but she's one of those if i was a bank robber she'd be like and he's robbing pretty nice banks yeah like she'd be so excited he was on tv robbing a

bank the other night you know yeah national yeah yeah my mom wouldn't my mom would be like you can't first of all she'd be like why aren't you inside like i'm normally inside so if i'm not inside it's suspicious yeah yeah why are you out of doors right well i'm gonna tell kelly jordan what i'm doing i'm not just going to go do it I'd be like I'm going to go do this I wouldn't let her catch me just digging you would tell your mom you were going to go kill somebody no I'd tell her I was going to bury the body under the crib

that I wouldn't just go do it I'd let her know I'm out here burying a body my mom she would tell some aunties some friends I'll tell you this. Couple fucking neighbors. She's on my brother's girlfriend.

My mom would literally call the cops on me. That's how my mom would be like, I'm not doing this. She'd be like Johnny Depp and blow. She's like, I got three other kids. One can go down. Yeah.

Beat it. Digging, digging a hole to bury a body under the house. I tried to dig a hole to bury a cat in some South Dakota ground. And that had to be like half a foot deep. It is hard to dig a hole. You, you gotta have,

you gotta have a bobcat man. You do it by hand. What time of year? It wasn't, it wasn't winter. It was like, I don't know, May or something.

Fucking hard to dig a hole, man. That's funny. I buried a dog one time, too. Yeah. With a bobcat, though. I buried a cat, but I did it with a shovel. But it was, you know, that loose, loamy Oregon soil. No, you're just saying you threw a bunch of shovels on top of a dead cat, right?

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm saying that the Oregon soil is probably nicer, more fertile, verdant than what you got in South Dakota. Sure. Fuck you. And anyway, yeah, under your mom's house, I get it.

Absolutely. Excellent pick. David, where are you hiding a body? Okay, this one's weird. Obviously, there's some recon work. They're all weird, I bet. Obviously, there's some recon work that you've got to do.

There's some logistics. There's some timing shit. But I would, first place, someone else's grave. Yeah, I had the cemetery. That's so good! You gotta get a grave digger on the payroll. Yeah, but dig it up to the

casket, just plastic wrap, throw it on top. Because those bodies aren't in there. They decompose. You get somebody who died in the 60s. That's what I'm saying. Somebody else's grave. That is such a good idea. But here's the thing. Have you thought through any of the details of it? I immediately was like, that's such a great idea. And then I started thinking

the details and I was like, wait. You gotta get someone on the payroll. So it's gotta be like in my, it's gotta be in my basement for a little bit. And then I get a job at the, I get a job at the mortuary i get a job at the funeral you're lucky you're gonna hang out there for a while or i go to like like there's a lot of places where graveyards are that people don't come in general so i look i i case out a

graveyard for a month or two i see one where that no one has come to visit at all yeah one of those and like sad person or like a ward of the state or something like that. I case it for a month and then I go in late night with my bobcat put it in there. You got this dead body at your crib for a month, huh?

If it's if I'm murdering somebody, it's not going to be somebody that somebody like knew I was going to kill it's not going to be somebody that somebody like knew i was going to kill it's going to be like uh it's going to be like a kill i thought i could get away with a thrill kill yeah it's gonna be because i've gotten so rich and so famous and done so many arena tours that i just want to feel something so i fly fly to the Florida Keys and I kill a stranger. Damn.

Yeah. I can't remember where in the context. I think it was somebody, I wasn't on stage, but somebody from stage asked, there was a cop in the room, da, da, da. But the cop said the best, if you do want to not get caught for murder, you just find a stranger and kill them.

That's what they said. We never solved those. You just find someone who you- Like no connection. Zero. You just ice them. That's what they said. We never solve those. You just find someone who... No connection. Zero. You just ice them. Somebody just told you that? Somebody was just like... I think somebody... I've read that like multiple places. Pretty sure there was a cop in the crowd

and a comic was talking to them. You know, one of those like, hey, what do you do? Crowd work shit. And then the cop said this is how you get away with murder. If you really want to do it, you just find someone and kill them. And that's why we need to defund the police this guy's out here i don't know if he said he was a cop he's all drunk oh you want to kill somebody oh dude let me tell you how to kill some guy could have been huey lewis for all i know i don't know if he was a cop for sure i'm just saying and i was half popped in the back of the room i'm guessing so

who's to say huey lewis you know i don't think he's hiding the fact that he's Huey Lewis I'm going to be proud of that biggest one in Hollywood notoriously I think that's Milton Berle that's true no it's Huey Lewis Huey Lewis is supposed to be the big listen we can debate this all day but that's not what we're doing

somebody else's grave grave on the grave dead body inception fantastic you would have to do something to make sure it didn't stink or no I guess burying it

would yeah bury it yeah if I just put it in like in a plastic tarp and bury it I don't yeah those things

yeah you've been to a funeral they're deep in there yeah especially a freshly dug grave if you're just digging that back up and then putting a body in there that's probably even better. You do it right after somebody got buried.

You do it right after. Right. The mountain of dirt. There's no grass over it. Maybe even that night. That's where the casing comes in handy because if somebody's been recently buried and nobody shows up like in that month to visit. Right. Nobody's coming to that grave.

First of all, what a bummer. Exactly. Exactly. And there's, what a bummer. Exactly. Exactly. And there's, and let's not forget, there's good graveyards and there's bad graveyards. For sure.

There's, there's poor people graveyards. Yeah. Yeah. And then their skeletons can be friends. They don't have to be a scared anymore.

Yeah, they don't have to be a scared. Would you, would you put some flowers on the grave after you dug them in there? No, just to be, just be cool about it. No,

you wouldn't. And then say something cool about it. I killed that guy. No, that's suspicious. What did he do? That's suspicious. Leaving flowers.

I feel like, yeah, no, I, I'm going to do it. I'm going to kill the guy. I'm going to bury him and I'm going to complete. I'm never going to Toledo again.

No, why would you you understand i don't even fly over right and you mean spain not even ohio dude yeah old toledo that's a good one that's a good one uh sean time for your first pick uh deep out in the ocean out just where you can't see land i don't i mean it's a classic for a reason it's a classic get somebody out there put some free weights on them and just boom i don't know how anybody would ever find a body ever if it was at the bottom of the ocean i yeah when i was thinking about this i just don't understand i know the means to get a boat and like get that far out but

no face no case if you dumped a body far enough down in the ocean they ain't finding it i i just to me this is you know somebody who didn't graduate college obviously but i just don't get they don't cover that at college just to be clear yeah they covered i wanted to go i'd have graduated if they covered it i've been like welcome to welcome to here's your dorm uh there's a seminar tonight about how to hide a body how to like really hide a body maybe like a duke but i'm saying like out there i i don't know just way the fuck out there and make it sink and then it's gone right yeah i would think yeah yeah no clothes on it for sure i mean it's a it's a classic for a reason it's the it's like the mob you all seen mob stuff sopranos like rosebud said yeah yeah like deep out there like like in the i don't know they could. Yeah. Yeah. Like deep out there, like, like in the, I don't know.

I've never seen the Sopranos. They go that like deep out in the Atlantic and just, they get rid of multiple at the same time. That seems like the move. If you're like, if you're piling up bodies, you just take one trip a year or something or a month or however busy you are. Well, the issue is how do you get these bodies to the boat? Right.

Well, you got to have, same thing with a graveyard. You got to have a, you got to juice somebody in that you trust. I think you've got to case the boat. Or you can cut it up. Or you could find a dump truck. See where the dump truck's heading and just throw the body in the dump truck. Yeah, and you find a boat.

You could also have a homie who has a boat go out to this really far out place, a whole bunch for like a month, and just go back for no reason. Then you kill him. Now you got two bodies, but you know where to get rid of it. No, have him do this really far out place, a whole bunch for like a month and just go back for no reason. Then you kill him. Now you got two bodies, but you know where to get rid of it. No, like have him do this thing

for no reason for a long time just to get rid of the suspicion because if they do check or whatever, you know, and then one day he goes out like somebody sneaking drugs, like a flight attendant sneaking drugs. They never checked their luggage. That same kind of thing with that boat.

So one day you just put the body on the boat. I don't know. I saw it in Blow. I've talked about Blow twice in the last 15 minutes. That movie where they were smuggling drugs in the 1970s. That Johnny Depp movie. I don't know why it's on the brain right now, but it is. So anyway, deep in the ocean.

I bet they check flight attendant in some way. You know what I mean? They didn't in blow, Ian. So there. Yeah, that movie ended before 9-11. It's harder to fly now. David, 9-11 never happened. So, I mean, what do you guys want to talk about?

I don't like that it's getting dark in that room. It is. It's getting dark both ways. The whole city's losing power. It is. Sean's talking about 9-11 like an edgy L.A. stand-up. We're getting in like chiaroscuro lighting. Yeah.

I tried to. There's a big window right there but there's no table so i'm sorry it's gonna be i'm gonna be like two-faced but could you give us a lower dutch angle on you for the rest of the podcast i know what it is i know what a dutch angle is but what is it for everybody listening who can't see oh sure one of these i can't actually there's too many wires coming out of this shitbox. Deep in the ocean. Okay. Sean's recording

on a desktop computer. Does anyone ever do that? I never think about it. I don't know. Yeah. It'd be more fun. You guys would be bigger if I was.

It'd be fun to see your faces. Isaac, do you have a desktop? Super Producer Ice? I do. There we are. Listen to how cheery that was. That's it. All this murder.

I do. I do. Let's lighten the mood how cheery that was. All this murder. I do. I do. Let's lighten the mood a little bit. I have a Mac Mini. I have it integrated into my little studio room here. I saw Mac Mini open for too short. Yeah, he did.

To keep myself in better spirits for the rest of this draft, I didn't kill these people. They were just dead already. And I'm just figuring out how to get rid of their body. Why? Because he doesn't like to litter. Unless it's in the ocean. Yeah.

That won't cause problems. No, I'll just wrap them in a big plastic bottle and then it should just go away, right? Yeah. That's what happens when you litter in the ocean. If you can't see it, it's gone. I was just in Florida and they all said that. Yeah, you're allowed to litter in the ocean. If you can't see it, it's gone. I was just in Florida and they all said that. Yeah, you're allowed to litter in the ocean. Yeah.

Throw all the empty tanning oil. Just throw all the bottles in the ocean. I was actually at the aquarium and they said that's the best way to get rid of your trash. It's like space. Who knows what's in the water. Yeah. I'm going to draft. This might be crazy.

And I don't know exactly how I'm going to pull it off. But I'm going to do the research. Okay. I'm going to do. This might be crazy. And I don't know exactly how I'm going to pull it off. Well, I'm going to do the research. Okay. I'm going to do the research. Okay. I've got a body. I'm going to learn how to embalm in some way or another.

And I'm going to hide it at that body's exhibit. The tours from town to town. Yeah, man. Oh my God. Fuck. Yeah. All right. I'm going to put like a helmet on it. I'm gonna pose it.

I'm gonna go in. Maybe right when it opens. You're gonna cut it into 64ths so it's like one of those poster things. You know what I mean? I'm gonna put, I'm gonna dress it up. I'm gonna weekend it, Bernie's it, and go to the exhibit. That was one of my picks was weekend at Bernie's.

But it's gonna be dressed up in like all these clothes. And then when I like pull the parka off of it, it's like an exposed nerve system or whatever. And then I'm booking it. Nobody's going to notice. They're going to be like, oh, look at that one. It's rollerblading. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You ever been to one of those? No. That shit creeps me out so

bad. I cannot. I don't like thinking that there's anything under here. Has anybody ever been to one of those? I've been to two. Right? They're fascinating. They're fascinating. thinking that there's anything under here. Has anybody ever been to one of those? I've been to two. Right? They're fascinating. They're fascinating. It's not morbid to me. It's like, it's crazy to see. I know I said it a second ago, but they have a body sectioned out

so you can flip through it like the posters at Spencer's where it's just like, it's crazy to see. A real human body sectioned out? A whole human body. It is bananas. My mom is crazy into that shit. Is it weird that I don't feel any way left or right about it?

Well, it takes away the... You don't feel like you're looking at a person. And a lot of it's like you see what a brain looks like. It's not all just bodies flayed out like it's a funeral open casket or something. But have you ever seen somebody dress a deer deer or something or like guts or anything? I sure have.

That shit. Yeah. It all feels the same to me. I like to think that I'm a flesh bag full of magic. I don't want to know about anything going on inside of there. I hate it. Yeah, it's jarring. I don't know.

It's so interesting to me, though. Same thing with like I used to watch that trauma life in the ER show. It's just interesting to me. i don't know it's it's so interesting to me though same thing with like i used to watch that trauma life in the er show it's just interesting to me i don't know why my mom used to play that shit because my mom's a nurse she used to play it during dinner and like leading up right up to dinner that's a little much you're cracking into lasagna and she's just someone getting a gunshot wound surgery shows because she's fascinated by it and rightfully so you know but like it's like just. I'm with Sue Carmel.

That does not faze me. You could eat. You could eat dinner while watching surgery. Yeah, it doesn't bother me. I probably could. Sometimes I'll be at airports looking at pimple popping videos, eating a Jersey Mike's. I don't give a fuck. If it was poop surgery, it'd bother me.

I can't. Pimple popping videos are really actually worse to me than the body's exhibit. No, it's fucked. I understand. It's like an extreme anxiety thing. Yeah, I'll just gag watching those. I just look like close. I'm like...

But that's the fucked up part is I'll keep watching them. I'll be gagging like disgusted and I keep flipping through them. It's like spicy chips. I can watch someone dig a bug out of their ear for like 20 minutes. I just want the satisfaction of having it be done. Oh yeah. I'll watch

people removing bot flies. All kinds of gross. The earwax out of the ear is the quickest one. Earwax I can do. Earwax is satisfying. It looks like shoot up beef jerky, dude. How's that grosser than a surgery? What's the one where the people have the stuff on their noses and they come in with the hot? No, it's like really like burst vessels or whatever.

And they come in with the hot thing and they like. Like a boil? Like lancing a boil or something? No, no, no. It's like they like burn the skin off the nose. I don't know how to explain it. It's gross. My Instagram's fucked because it'll just be like that in them. Everybody's listening this now. like they like burn the skin off the nose i don't know how to explain it it's gross my instagram's

fucked because it'll just be like that everybody's listening this time it's like that in them butts it's like great it's really mine's really mine is actually very similar to that just in in terms of like the it's either someone recovering or having just like, or going into like a horrible life altering surgery or, or like girl, dad content. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then like all of a sudden in the middle of it, Shane Torres is like, why do they charge the same for everything? He's going to love that. Yeah. Shout out Shane. Good job, bud.

No, Shane is in my algorithm heavy though. I see him a lot. He's in mine. Yeah. He's going to love that. Yeah. Shout out Shane. Good job, bud. No, Shane is in my algorithm heavy, though. I see him a lot. He's in mine a lot, too. Mine, too. Yeah. Mine is dudes who, like, dress like me. And then cats and sandwiches.

Not bad. Mine is fist fights and skateboarding and shoes. Interesting stuff. Mob wife style is taking the internet by storm. Okay. So, yeah, I like that, man. Well, the last one that you mentioned, that last story you mentioned, leads

perfectly into my next draft. Well, it's not. You don't get to go from a minute, Rosebud Baker. I don't. It's a serpentine draft. I get to go again. I thought you just did. He goes back, and then it comes back up. Oh, yeah. You get two. You went first, right? You get two in a row. I thought you just did. I thought, oh, right. He goes back and then it comes back up. Oh, yeah. You get two.

You went first, right? You get two in a row. Oh, I just gave you guys a clue. All right. I wouldn't do you like that. Some of mine aren't overly concerned with me being caught. Well, no, don't worry about it. Don't overly concern yourself with that right now.

All right. David's going to get caught. They're going to take a bobcat into this cemetery. Yeah, they already have one. I'm going to hotwire it. They're going to be like, why is that guy in Toledo? We're all getting caught, right? Absolutely. Yeah, I'm just trying to make the front page, baby.

We're all trying to get a Netflix. Yeah, that's it. I'm going to get back on there one way or another. I'm having a tough time moving tickets. I'm going to hide their face on my face, and I'm going to go do stand-up. Okay, so this is...

Have you seen those, like... It's an aquarium, but it's got... It's kind of a cheaper aquarium, and it's the places where they would have those mermaid girls with an air... You know, like swimming through. We just saw one at L like swimming through oh yeah yeah there's a gig that does that at the new the newberry in montana you put you up at the hotel where they have the mermaids they don't seem happy so i'm dressing the i'm dressing the body up like a pirate and dropping it into one of those

aquariums that pirate looks disgusting. That pirate's skin is falling up. There's no point, like, you know, if people work there for a long time, they're going to notice this body decomposing or whatever, and maybe the fish eating it, but by that time, I'm long gone. Okay. I'm long gone. And eventually

it ends up, like, hell, maybe it starts as a skeleton. Maybe I'm just trying to get rid of the skeleton because I like use the acid in the bathtub all that stuff but I got to get rid of the skeleton somehow bam skeleton dressed like a pirate in a kind of a cheap aquarium

perfect I like it yeah I kind of think part of me thinks even if the aquarium knows that that's not supposed to be there they're so charmed by it that they're like, let's not ask questions that we don't want the answers to. You're trying to get away with murder on charm? Yeah.

When I say that out loud, that is not that crazy. No, no. I think a lot of people do. There's a lot of people that have, yeah. I take that back. I'm sorry. I'm trying to charm them. Most of them.

I mean, the successful ones anyway. Yeah. So, yeah, there's just a pirate in this aquarium all of a sudden anyone working there doesn't care enough to notice it or not i think anyway so that's why i'm getting rid of this body all right great yeah dude i like it i'm in i got some wild i got some wild shit too now i don't I'm not sure if this is what you said Rosebutt and I'll make a different pick if not but can I say in the cement

foundation of like a brand new office building or is that too close I feel like you're doing mafia classics well cause they make a ton of sense not in a bad way I'll bounce on the handlebars a little bit with the later picks but just in honestly maybe I was too serious about it but if I was honestly in the handlebars a little bit with the later picks. But just honestly, maybe I was too serious about it.

But if I was honestly in the corner and I had to do this, these are the two things that I would really want to get done. I'd be like, this is the best way to make sure that it doesn't get found. So I guess I got to have a contractor who gets a good job. And then they let me know when they're going to build the biggest biggest building and then you just put them right in the foundation when they pour it like lethal weapon three they did it to that guy yeah i think that's great yeah this is this is another it's a another classic another mob classic it is i feel like where they thought they put jimmy hoffman am i being a dork here i'll do what do you mean do better ones in a second

by the way you say soup, I think it's fair. Yeah. Soup cans are full of soup, dude. People love soup. I don't want anyone to think I'm serious. I just, to me,

these were glaringly. I was like, well, if I did want to get rid of it, these are the first two things I would do. And then, uh, I'll start getting silly,

but yes. So if I ever, the trick is the timing on this one. Yeah. So you gotta be someone who like knows, you have to know somebody making a building when they're pouring the cement, right? I know people at the top.

So in this, let's say this is a, I know I said I wasn't going to kill anyone. This is someone I've been wanting to kill for a while. So I'm just waiting to kill him until I know there's going to be a dope building that they're going to construct in downtown. And then as soon as that happens, I'm like, all right. How am I going to kill him? Blow dart to the neck.

They pass out. No pain, but they saw me before they died. And then... And how do you know the people building this building? Oh, I know people at the top. I wouldn't worry about all that. Yeah. Top of what? I know who I know.

Oh, it's at the very top. At the top of the very top. So the creme de la creme, some say. What are you talking about? Joe Biden? If I knew Joe, I'd wake him up, tell him to lower the APR. You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't know who it is.

City planners. Dirty city planners who will take some money to let me put a body at the bottom of the new first premiere they're going to build in Sioux Falls or something. So you are the mob? Yeah. I mean, I run Sioux in Sioux Falls or something. So you are the mob? Yeah. I mean, I run Sioux Falls. You are the mob. I run Sioux Falls. He's like, I'm a

loose organization of friends doing favors for each other. And they're all at the top. At the very, very top. At the top. You mentioned that I know a lot of people at the top, so it's funny you bring it up because I do know a lot of people. And you're not necessarily saying Italian.

You could be Albanian. Well, I'm Jewish. I know a lot of people up at the top. Don't let him claim it now. Well, you just said I'm Jewish. I know a lot of people up at the top. You don't get to be a Jew for this. I mean, I thought that's why you do it.

I'm confused. I was born the way I was born, man. I didn't have any control, but yeah. Circumcised. I was born circumcised. I just want, just in case anyone's like, Ian, your outlandish pirate idea doesn't seem like it holds a lot of water.

I just want to hear people talking about Sean's planet. It's going to hold a lot of water. That body's going to absorb that water like crazy. That's right. Yeah. David, time for your second pick. All right. All right. David, I'm going to give you a second pick. Alright. Alright.

This is another one that would have to be done late at night, but I think you could get away with it. Did you ever have a community garden at school when you were a child? Like a school garden? I'm going to bury it in a school garden. Elementary school is

way easy to break into you got people eating corpse tomatoes you got children eating corpse tomatoes first of all it's good for them it is you've never seen the Lion King dude we turn into the dust and the antelope eat the grass so yeah Sean just went to see the Lion King on Broadway

it's a garden planted by children it's already done slapdash. I could easily pull it up and put it back together in a way that makes it look like children. You know what I mean? What does slapdash mean? I've never heard that. Quickly.

Quickly with haste. Oh, I've never heard that. Oh, okay. I think quickly with haste means the same thing. Yeah, but I need things told to me two different ways all the time. Would you, no part of you, so already now in this scenario, you've killed someone and now you're hiding the body. But you would not be haunted by the notion of a bunch of kids eating like a salad made out of body lettuce? You're fine with it?

No more than I would be having ended someone's life in a brutal manner. I don't know. It doesn't have to be brutal. In for a penny, in for a pound, right? I'm a bad guy now. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it right in there. It feels like he thought it through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough. I mean, you know. In a way, it's a nice thing to give to this person you killed, where it's like, oh, they do immediately go get to be a part of the circle of life.

Yeah, they get to go back ashes to ashes. You get to feed children. And I don't think I feel like a lot of those gardens don't even work that well because kids are stupid. So it's just going to get recycled and kids are going to plant over at the next. It doesn't really turn into edible food a lot. Yeah, they're not making prized cucumbers over there. They're in the second grade. Yeah.

Yeah. They're just catching garter snakes. Sean, you just saw The Lion King, the Broadway production. I did. Your quick review. Yeah, I cried a bunch. It was amazing.

Hell yeah. Go see The Lion King if you can. God, it was sick. You guys have it. Yes. I know. It's this little underground musical. That's my my little that's my review for you it was dope go catch it if you can it's up and coming yeah yeah yeah before you can't man there

was some dickhead behind me talking about this like this like british chocolate bar that he got and he was sharing it with all his buddies he was so loud i was close to the chocolate bar sharing the news sharing the news about it about where he got it and how whatever i was just like man shut the fuck up that's awesome let's just want to yeah it was but and then my wife got bummed at me for getting bummed on him she's like he's just having fun i'm like yeah he's so he's so you know that when you're just so loud like you're just talking to people next to you during the show no that's why it didn't get brought up it was i mean didn't even watch that, man. He was talking, but you were getting pissed at somebody for talking before the show? It was so loud.

The way he was doing it. I'm on your side with this, Sean. I feel like I went to dinner with Andy last night and there was like a waitress that was narrating everything she did. Where it's like every single time I blinked, she'd be like, I'm on your right. She was just telling me what side of my body she was on and then and i was just getting and then andy um because he enjoys watching me get upset started setting her up to tell stories like that's a good that's that's very funny it was i was like I'm calling a lawyer. I can't believe you're doing this to me right now. Cruel. That would make me turn around and ask the dude about the candy bar.

It would have diffused me real quick. I'd be like, yeah, yeah. I mean, it couldn't help a lot, but I was so mad. She went on for so long. Yeah, that's awful. Sean, what kind of candy bar was it just really quick do you remember I had to stop listening

come on I have no idea what it was that guy was insufferable Rosebud time for your second and third picks oh second and third okay so my second is alright

so it's a little weekend at Bernieernie's as well um you put the let me know if this is stepping on yours ian but i was thinking you put the body on the um handlebars of a bike and you start you start rolling around town uh in a state with like strong pedestrian laws and you hit a car yeah you hit a car you're gonna tell me boy yeah you hit a car and the and the body goes flying and you go well that's my best friend yep what did you do yeah that's good that is brilliant yeah that is absolutely brilliant oh no yeah oh my Ripped. Oh, my God. That was our last bicycle ride together. No.

This is where we'd get caught because they can definitely tell how people died. But it's a fun idea until then. No, he got shot. A gigantic tank was rolling down the street. Not if I suffocate him. Right? If I suffocate him, it could be, it could be,

you know, he scared himself to death. That's how they got Capone. Yeah. He was holding a bullet up against his head and the car door shoved it through his forehead.

He fell onto a bullet. I love that idea. In his fucking car. Man, he died before I could say I forgive you for having sex with my wife. That's crazy. I love that idea. Because of his fucking car. Man, he died before I could say I forgive you for having sex with my wife.

That's crazy. But there he is. Got smoked by that car. Yeah, that's a great idea. Put it on someone else. Absolutely. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

That scene in Tommy Boy where he shuts the door and he's like, what'd you do? Dude, that is fantastic. So that was my second my third one is pot of chili yeah oh damn it yeah yeah making it making them into food pot of chili i had that one too the titus andronicus i figured we'd go later bunch of lunatics i figured that'd go in the end no it's gonna get weird yeah I feel like potted chili I

felt like potted chili was more normal I don't it seems more normal but we're normal in a children's garden I'll give you that yeah yeah yeah well yeah so potted chili every time I'm eating chili I'm kind of like there could be a body in this I would not know there's so much going on here and I don't even know if I would not know. There's so much going on here.

And I don't even know if I would care because it's so good. For sure. So I feel like if you're eating a pot of chili and it's ever like even crossed your mind, like there could be a dead body in this. You're not going to not take another bite. Right. You just at that point, you're playing the odds. You're like, probably not, but maybe.

And then you keep eating. No one would stop eating. Exactly. So I'm just betting on that, you know? You might hit it with the hot sauce a couple more times just to be like, let me balance that out a little bit. Right. Just to get that thought out of my head. Yeah.

Yeah. I've done that, but it's when like onions or something where I'm like, ah, it's probably not an onion. And I just keep going. I already had a bunch of onions. Who cares? Yeah. or something where I'm like, ah, it's probably not an onion and I just keep going, I've already had a bunch of onions, who cares yeah this is that, there's that Shakespeare play that like South Park did a riff on where they

feed someone they feed him to his own parents, it's from the Shakespeare play Titus, Andronicus and it's a great like if somebody's a prick, it's a great way to get revenge on them, huh? yeah, absolutely I'm worried because this is close to my next pitch Like if somebody's a prick, it's a great way to get revenge on them, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

I'm worried because this is close to my next bit. Well, let's get to it right now. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay. So you guys know how I've been looking into making my own sausage? I do. You're going to grind them up like Play-doh but over the holiday season i give them out to tons of all my friends so i piecemeal it so like hey here's a venison here's a bratwurst and here's a mystery and they

you know they think it's gator or some shit but it's like i sausage i sausage the body out to a bunch of people who never knew him they eat him and you're not saying the meat you're not lying no i'm just it's a mystery you know what i mean like oh that one's a little fun everybody's like oh david he's so crazy remember when he's making wine now he's making sausages what a good guy yeah oh you you. Oh, you drain the blood. You drain the blood and made it wine. Yeah. Send it to all your friends.

Yeah. You would have to have made another thing first. That's like a great idea. If it's like first you make, you bring your own beer. That's what I'm saying. I make wine in the spring. I kill this dude in the fall. That's your spring move.

And then winter, everybody's getting sausages. Yeah. Brilliant. And it's already, now I have the, you know what I, everybody's getting sausages. Yeah. Brilliant. And it's already, now I have the, you know what I mean? And it'll be fun, you know what I mean? Because I've thought about it, making wine. You make your own labels, you know what I mean? You bottle it yourself, you cork it yourself.

Oh, now this is a fun thing. Now I'm that guy. Yeah, you get to design a graphic. Right, right, right. What does he do out in the shed? He's having fun out there. They don't know I'm grinding up a bookie or I don't know who the person is. Have you been thinking about making a bookie?

And wine. And wine? Really? Because I made that pawpaw wine a couple of years ago that was not great. And then you remember I used to have that shed back there and it was temperate enough that I could have done it, but then I was going on tour and stuff. So yeah, I've been thinking about making my own wine and that led because somebody gave me this peach compote and it was so delicious. And I was like, man, that would be really fun to do by myself. And then that led into, now I have this company, shout out to Gold Star Sausages, Black Owned, Denver Made. And I love their sausages. And I was like, I think I could be a sausage guy. It's not that hard.

It's not that hard. Yeah. The sausage king of Denver, dude. It looks really satisfying to put the fillings in the. But my question is this, if you have just like a kitchen, like it's going to take a long time. Is it going to take that long? How big is this guy I'm killing?

Lock the door. You tell me. Lock the door. I think if I was going to kill somebody, it How big is this guy I'm killing? Lock the door. You tell me. Lock the door. I think if I was going to kill somebody, it probably wouldn't be a huge guy. Yeah. Okay. It wouldn't be a kid. I feel like.

My mind didn't go there, bud. You got to butcher him. You yelled that. I was like, no, I wasn't thinking about that. You wouldn't be a kid. Well, I mean, I'd dress him. You know what I mean? I'd cut him, let him bleed out on the tarp, all that stuff.

Because nobody thinks I'm a murderer. So in this, I have time. I don't think anybody's going to think I killed this guy. You're the guy who gives out pralines in the summer. Homemade pralines. Of course I'm a murderer. I roast my own nuts. Everybody knows you go through phases.

Everybody knows I make my own potpourri and I give it out to the neighborhood. I remember two years ago, you got that smoothie maker and for like three weeks, I was getting a different smoothie on my doorstep every day. Come on, I'm giving out foods to people anyways. That's great. And I don't think human, I bet you wouldn't taste that.

If I seasoned it up right, I don't think it would taste like, I don't think you would know. I don't want to sound insane. I would... If in a live situation, I would eat a person pretty quick. I don't think I would be struggling too hard. That's not what...

Well, that's different. Well, you just said people. I'm just saying, I don't think... If somebody was frozen dead of natural causes or whatever from being out in the wilderness, I don't think it would be that hard. Am I crazy?

If you were about to die in the wilderness, if you're about to die, that's what I'm saying. Like, I just, I think I can, I mean, it would be harder then because you probably wouldn't be able to cook them.

Oh yeah. And you'd probably have to kill them yourself. I would just go over and freestyle by their thighs. You're up there eating dude sashimi. Yeah. Also, you don't know how your body's going to react to the guilt. You know, like you might feel something. You could have guilt and puke it up.

And then you've killed a guy and tried and like had to build a fire and tried to cook him and probably failed at that. And then finally just ate him raw. And then you're just like like i puked him up for all this was for nothing ate him raw made me laugh pretty hard just for everybody who's wondering how old i was i'm trying to peel off some of the holiday weight right now and so like you forget when you're really hungry how like it turns you into an animal again pretty quick that's what i'm saying man yes it does you, like you do start to go back into that. Like that's after like 10 hours.

I mean, imagine. Yeah. Eight days or what? I don't know. However long it is. You'd go without food before you like get. Or Hanukkah is our people. I can say without a doubt.

If I was pregnant, I would eat a man within two days. Two. In the woods. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I don't think. Right.

Because you're extra animal by that. But you're just like. Oh, yeah. Everything is I like that. Yeah. I don't think. Right, because you're extra animal by that, but you're just like, everything is so like hormones and instinct. Are we eating them all? Or is it one of these things where it's like, hey, let's both enjoy this flank, brother. Like, tie it off. Like, are we.

What? You're going to have him eat his own body? I mean, we both eat him. You and the guy. You're going to say you cut off his foot. That's a lot. How are you going to do that? Is that pure charisma that you can just sell him on this?

I got a rhythm, yeah. David's got a really sharp rhythm. I knew it. Okay. Because you don't have to die. Nobody has to die here. He's getting accurate. Right?

Yeah. I see what I was thinking was chop it off at the knee so we could get all that calf yeah i mean that was not a lot of meat on that foot right you gotta cook it you're most like eating heel and toe meat yeah it's like it's like a pig's foot where you're like it's flavorful but it's not it's not belly full you know what i mean yeah the soup yeah what pea soup with the dude foot but like all that shit rat all that shit around the tibia fibula and bone yeah oh yeah the marrow suck the marrow out like a jamaican glowing yeah wow we all really got into this you gotta use the whole buffalo you gotta use the whole

buffalo i mean i get it we all really committed to this yeah everybody's we're all real okay i forgot we were talking about people. I'm not going to lie. I'm just getting hungry like, well, something sounds good. At some point, you're just talking about recipes. You know what I mean? This is what you do with stuff that you want to taste better. That's what I would have done with any meat.

Regardless of whether or not. Oh, sorry. Sean, time for your third pick. I am third or I'm second? You're third. I'm third, so it's going third, fourth right now, and then fourth and back to me. That's correct. That's your third pick, right? I'm just trying to see when I get to go again.

So I would cremate the person and then skydive with their ashes and just let the ashes flow. Oh, that's kind of beautiful. Yeah. And then you ain't finding, I don't, I don't know if they could find a cremated body. I don't know if that's possible, but you know, I would make sure that the ashes were scattered. Where is that?

Just to, just to, I don't mean to criticize your picks. I got a guy. I got, I got people. You can't just say, I got a guy. Where are you cremating this guy? Well, okay. So this came from, I know a girl that used to live above a morgue and, or a funeral home, not a morgue, sorry, a funeral home.

So in my mind, I'm thinking she has access. We sneak in. I don't even know if they do this on site. Now that I'm saying it out loud, they probably don't cremate the bodies at the funeral home. So no, they do it at crematoriums. Yeah. So I would find somebody who lived above a crematorium to make my own. I don't think people traditionally live above crematoriums.

You didn't know this girl. She was pretty wild. You don't know as many people at the top. Right at the top of a crematorium is where I know this person. Literally on the top, this one. I have access to a crematorium. And it's, unfortunately, it's Christmas Day or some holiday where nobody would ever be there. And we sneak in.

We cremate the body. And then I go skydiving. I've always wanted to do that anyways. This would give me a good reason. So the black, oily smoke billowing from the chimney has kind of a festive overtone. Yeah, a little bit. We'll try to. That means there's a new pope.

I'll put a green and a red smoke ball up there to kind of mix it, you know, so people are like, oh, look at that. Green and red smoke ball? Is that what you said? Yeah. Look at the crematorium just letting it ride. It's a Rastafari. And then when I want to jump out of the airplane with a backpack and they say, normally we don't let people jump out with a backpack, I'd say, it's cool. And then they'd be like, all right. Oh, yeah, it is. Would you skydive, Sean?

I don't think so now that I have a kid. It's a weird thing where you're like, I can't imagine her being like, yeah, dad died because he went skydiving. Yeah, that would suck to have to tell. Way too much my fault. But I would have. I'd still probably bungee jump.

I know it's not a huge difference, but for some reason, I think I would. I think so. I don't know. Skydiving is safer than bungee jumping. I do. Seems like it's easier on your back,

if nothing else. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I probably wouldn't do either. That'd be some real exposure therapy for you because Sean's afraid of flying. So like doing like some skydiving would have been like fucking

take it on. Yeah. I mean, let me get ripped up first. Then sure. I'll skydive in a couple hours. That's like the one rule that you can't be drunk. Yeah. I mean, I don't know though. I think the first hell of times they strap you to somebody. So you jump with an instructor

strap. Yeah. My little brother just did it and he was strapped in. Of course he did. Yeah, he's always doing that shit. Who knows if I would. But in this, if I, you know, back to the wall, I gotta get rid of this body. Yeah, I'd probably skydive. Alright. Time for my third pick. This involves

a Weekend at Bernie's situation again. Again? I'm familiar. It's a good movie. If you haven't seen Weekend at Bernie's, we're talking about the... Well, go watch it. You dress up. They're dressing up a corpse and making people believe he's not dead. I've got myself a job.

I got a job at the airport, right? You sure do. What are you doing at the airport? You handling bags? What are you doing? Taking tickets? I'm this guy. I actually got two jobs at the airport under two different identities, and this is key to this. So one of them, Ian Carmel,

is the guy who flags in planes with the lights. A lot of responsibility. The other guy... Ian Carmel. The other guy, your twin brother. Bongiorno Gutierrez is the other name I got it under. Totally normal. Bongiorno Gutierrez. This is Bongiorno. So Bongiorno Gutierrez, totally normal. This is Bongiorno.

Yeah. And so Bongiorno Gutierrez, baggage handler. One day, Ian and Bongiorno have the same shift. They show up together. Wow, look, there they both are. There's Ian, Bongiorno, and I'm, you know, Bongiorno, oh, he's sitting he's sitting down on a

on his baggage cart. He's dead. He's dead. Bongiorno's the corpse, okay? Right. He's dead. He's dead. Bongiorno's the corpse, okay, in this scenario. Even though I've been going working both of these shifts just to set up the reality that there are two people, I'm flagging a jet engine in. I see what you're doing. I'm flagging a jet engine in. Jet engine turns.

I run over, grab Bongiorno, toss him right into the jet engine. He gets sucked through. Whoa. Yeah. It's on the ground, so nobody on this airplane is dying. But also, I don't believe that you could then

autopsy a jet engine dead body. So if I shot this guy, you never tell. You're never going to find out. Right. Sort of an airport situation. Yeah. And before anyone gets too judgmental, I do know some people at the top. Yo, dude, I didn't think you did

now are you going to ask everyone on the flight if they need to be where they're going or are you just going to assume that their time doesn't matter and wipe your ass with it this plane I'm wiping my ass with it I don't care I don't care that's smart no that's good

how the fuck would that be if you're sitting looking out the window you can't murder somebody in cold blood and throw their body into a jet engine Yeah. No, that's good. That would that be? You're sitting looking out the window. You can't murder somebody in cold blood and and throw their body into a jet engine while respecting people's schedules. Yeah, that's right. I'm sorry. You're not going to make you're just not going to make the game. I'm sorry.

Yeah, there'll be more Super Bowls. What do you want? Maybe I'm doing it on a Wednesday. You know what I mean? Maybe I'll make sure I do this on like a Tuesday where it's like, all right, nobody's going to a wedding. I say you do it on a Friday holiday weekend. Why not? Damn.

All right. Friday holiday weekend. Well, that's when it's going to be the busiest. You're killing people. You're killing plans. Yeah, dude. Killing engines. You do have to do it on a Friday for the Friday news dump.

You know what I mean? Yes, you do. You don't want to be the story of the week. You're right about that. Yeah. Okay. It's at the Friday afternoon. Mm. Okay. It's Friday afternoon. Friday afternoon.

Smart. What are you doing Friday night? Coke. Friday night? Yeah. Just a bunch of drugs. Having fun. Cozy up with a book.

That was my third pick sucked into a jet engine. And we're going to get to my fourth pick right after one more very short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage.

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quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Now, with this week, we want to touch a little bit on self-care routines, some stuff that's non-negotiable. Some stuff like, I got buddies, they can't skip leg day. Myself, my schedule is completely packed out with hanging out with my daughter. You try to pepper in work in there, it's really hard to find the time for those things that I want, that self-care stuff. I like to walk a lot. I know that sounds ridiculous. And I don't know what fun means, but I do like walking. I love to skateboard, but it's hard. I got to drive to the park. I got to get warmed up, which takes your boy a gentleman's half hour these days because these gams ain't what they used to be.

But I know that's what makes me happy. And it's hard to make time for it. When you feel like you don't have any time for yourself, it can weigh on you more than anything else. Non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever in that situation. You need to set time, get it like I keep saying, get a new set of ears on it. If you're having a tough time finding time for yourself, if you just talk to someone, you say these things out loud, you will realize that there is time. You can make time for yourself. You just have to prioritize it. It happens. You can talk to someone, get a new set of ears on it, and they will just guide you through the path. Therapy helps with everything. And if you're thinking of starting, go on and get better help

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green hat this one again involves knowing some people but not the kind of people you might think how am I going to get my hands on a crematorium same way you're going to get a body into that mermaid pit dude step by step how I would get that body

which was going at night in this one How I would get that body in there. So when I know somebody and then I use it. In this one, all it's going to take is knowing some artists. I'm going to take the body and I'm going to dip it in bronze. Pull it out. Oh, like a Han Solo. Oh my God. And then it's a statue. Yes.

Yeah. I love it. Oh, we're missing, you know, this guy goes missing. Nobody can find him. We're all so sad. And I'm like, hey, I wish there was something I can it. Oh, we're missing. You know, this guy goes missing. Nobody can find him. We're all so sad. And I'm like, hey, I wish there was something I can do. But the one thing I can do is express myself artistically. And here's a statue of that guy.

I hate to tell you like this, mister. Where are you getting your hands on a crematorium? Please. Where are you getting your hands on a vat of bronze? At the places that have that. a bronze at cost michaels at michaels thank you oh okay i never thought of that hobby lobby i mean michaels at least has a reference yeah they could get you man also shout out to michaels they just yeah they set me up beautiful framing job oh yeah oh they know what, they know what a habit is. It cost $16,000. It was way more money

than I fucking wanted it to be. Framing shit is so expensive. It's crazy. But then you have to cut the glass. Yeah. They feel like everything has to be cut custom, apparently. I went in to frame a picture

for Laura for Christmas. What was it? It was a flyer for a show that she just did. We don't have anything of her stuff. It was my album cover. It was a fake painting of Martin Luther that she just did. She didn't, we don't have anything of her stuff. It was, it was, it was my album. Martin Luther King and Tupac shaking hands.

It was that predator where it should be rolling. It was that dude where Arnold, Arnold and Carl Weathers just like shake hands and like this, that predator. It was, I just framed that for it. It was Tony Soprano and Donald Trump riding in a motorcycle together. So I go in and they're like,

all right, so originally it'd be $500, but with the holiday special, it's 140. And I was like, what? That's awesome. Well, but first of all, I feel like that's one of those where you're like, you could say whatever you want

is what it normally would have cost. You know what I mean? Like you go to the half price store and they're like, normally this polo shirt's 90 bucks, but we're giving it to you for 40. No, it wasn't. It was probably 50. That was a place we had.

Maybe it was just a local. This was for your painting of the Joker, Wyatt Earp, and Barack Obama playing poker? Yeah. That's great. I think that's a brilliant idea, Ian. I gotta say.

I'm sitting here pissed I didn't come up with that. That's genius. So it's just an exact statue of the very guy. And I'm finding it a bronze foundry, Sean. A bronze foundry. Wait, wait, wait, though. Yeah, yeah. It's a statue of the guy you

killed. It can be. That's what I'm thinking. That's where you're going. Okay, so that feels like maybe you haven't thought it out as much. You were such good friends. I'm't thought it out well you were such good friends trying to get caught you were such good friends with your bookie that you made a statue of him because nobody could find the body and you missed him maybe in this maybe i'm killing like a

prominent figure that works yeah that well that's what i'm saying it's like hey we're all so sad about this guy missing and i've expressed that feeling artistically oh okay it could just be a statue of anything it could be a little statue of Frankenstein. Happy Halloween, everybody. You're going to put the statue somewhere where you drive by it every day and be like, ha, gotcha. You fool. Suckers. You idiot. Yeah.

Not today. I guess once it's like it's a male body, I guess I could put any, like sculpt any face I want on there, right? It could be esoteric. You could put the Joker. You could put Doc Holliday. Peter Griffin, you could do. Because it's a male body.

Mr. Burns. That'd be funny. Next time we'll draft people it could be. Yeah. Sean, time for your fourth pick. You know those lava pits in Hawaii where the lava is always barely moving. I swear to God.

God damn it. I swear to God. I just thought like I was I was like, I need one more pick. And I thought of that. And then you started saying it. That's really weird. Yes. That's why this is good.

But yeah, so the what I was thinking of is Zach used to get ripped and put on these videos of that lava overtaking cars and like cans of Coke or whatever. I'm just like, it would do a body pretty dirty. Get rid of that shit like that because you can't dig up that lava. I mean, and also there's nothing left. So I think I just lay it peacefully and crack a 40 and just kind of watch it. Watch it overtake the body, I guess. Wow. There has to be millions of bodies under that lava.

I like the kind of Liam Neeson ending on that one. You just sort of cracking open a beer and watching your work. Yeah. I don't know if there's millions of bodies. No, I'm just saying it don't know if there's millions of bodies.

No, I'm just saying it just seems like if you had to and it's crass to say because there's probably it's probably, you know, overtaken actual bodies. I'm not trying to go there

but I'm just saying if I was trying to get rid of somebody that owed me money that's what I would do. Going to Hawaii finding one of those actors or Iceland. It'd be a big

cut off your nose to spite your face kind of thing because I would fly them yes, I'd fly that body to hawaii just to bury them in the lava pit because they would be in such a good mood in hawaii you almost wouldn't you be like i think you know yeah i'd be like whoa this is where they film forgetting sarah marshall look at this great uh in in some magma. Fantastic. Yeah.

David, your fourth pick. Oh, man. I was going to say volcano, but now I'm fucked. Yep. That was one I had. It was just... But the timing is too much. Helicopter tours. Uh-huh.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I think you can... I don't care what you say. So this is not my current reality, but it was at one of my apartments in San Francisco. Okay. I'm saying in my blind neighbor's backyard. There you go.

Yeah. That's Hitchcockian. In my blind neighbor's backyard. Great. Oh, man. She never went out there. Why would you? It's just like a colder house if you can't see anything go to my colder version of my house every once in a while our sun would come

oh that's sad every once in a while so just put it in a shed in a shed people would yeah yeah they'd smell it but what are they gonna do yeah what are they gonna do

they're not gonna be all tracking she'd probably smell it really fast it's not illegal to smell bad the sentences

are heightened I've heard yeah I feel like she'd be the first to smell it yeah maybe I bury it in her backyard then

that might be better yeah and she's here in the shovel but at least that it's like whatever were you just gonna throw it in there? I was just gonna put it back there this is all

making me laugh for sexual reasons it's very funny if you listen maybe I bury it in her backyard and Rosalyn said something like maybe I just put it back there it's funny to me oh cause of anal sex? I'm very immature. That's what you're about? I'm talking

about murder, Sean. Is that what you're about, Sean? You're that kind of guy? Okay, cool. You're talking about life and death right now, Sean. I'm married to an alive woman, so okay. I just killed a guy. Damn.

And knocked his body over a fence. But also, she was old, so I think I could bury it at night, and it wouldn't be that big a deal. Because we'd be outside drinking and partying sometimes, and she wouldn't be like, you know what I mean? Maybe she's dead. You could bury it over a few nights, too. If anything, I have some friends partying,

and I sneak over and bury it while my friends are partying next door. One question. Mm-hmm. Does she have a dog? No, she didn't have any animals. Nice. Nice. Well, then I see no flaws on this point. Blame it on an

invalid. Love that. Rosebud, time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is a serpentine draft. Damn, I'm curious. I don't know. I gotta get a fifth. All right. My last one.

Okay. Well, I'd have to befriend a puppeteer. I would have to befriend a puppeteer. I like this. I see where you're going. And I'm talking aboutfriend a puppeteer. I like this. I see where you're going. And I'm talking about a serious puppeteer. I'm not talking about like some children's mall puppeteer. I'm talking about somebody.

Some would say it acts nearly as difficult as murder itself. Exactly. There might be a couple. Somebody who might have worked on The Lion King, which Sean recently saw. We got a big puppeteer crowd. Hit up Rosebud. Yeah. I need someone Julie Taymor level puppeteer crowd hit up rosebud yeah i need someone julie taymor level yes puppeteering

and i place the body i they have to teach me everything they know so there's going to be an apprenticeship there's going to be a lot of you know prep work for this but i place the body on uh the rooftop of the tallest building in whatever city I happen to be in, or they happen to be in. And I call the cops and I say, I'm up here, this guy's threatening to jump. And, you know, and the cops sort of gather at the, and I'm talking him down the whole time

while I'm doing all the puppeteering. Rick, you have so much to live for. Yes. So I, there's a whole scenario going back and forth. And then, you know, obviously he jumps and everybody just goes, damn. Yeah. This woman was a hero. She did her best.

I like that. I like it because you come out on top. This isn't just a neutral end. You actually, your life gets better for having killed this man. You got people saying, it's not your fault. They're like coming over to you and saying, hey, I just want to make sure that you know this isn't your fault. Yeah, I kill two birds, really. Yeah.

One is a man who jumps from a building building and then the other is my own guilt. It assuages any sort of guilt that I might have had. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. Also, you're kind of like the Bradley Cooper murder here, because now you've also learned how the skill to do puppeteering, like how he learned how to cook. You could just go do for whatever movie that was or maestroing for maestro. Yeah.

I might have found a new career. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You might be a gifted marionettist. You hit a body, but you found yourself. I think it's going to be a period of time before I can tell people that I do

it because you know, people can pull one. Yeah. You don't want to put it together. I had so much grief after I failed to talk that guy down that I just needed to pour myself into a hobby and I actually found puppeteering. You know what? I felt like if I was

pulling the strings, it would have been different. Yes! That's brilliant. That makes sense to me. So there you go. I love it. And your final pick. Oh oh my final pick

yeah that's where I am too I'm scrambling yeah me too I am scrambling I think a wood chipper I think I would just do it as like a subtle nod to Fargo yeah

although it's not very subtle nod to Fargo. Yeah. Yeah. Although it's not very subtle. It's a bloody endeavor. If you're not standing there like that dude was, just put something over your face. That dude, he didn't think it through. I'll tell you. Yeah. I mean, it was almost like he wanted it all over him. Almost like he was crazy. I don't like

a lot of mess, but I do feel like, you know, wood chipper, it's you know, it gets rid of the body. It does. It does it. There ain't nobody. The leather box community would have your back afterwards. Even if you did get caught, they'd be like, no, this was a beautiful homage

to film, you know. Right. Yeah. And then also I'm feeding the animals. Yeah. And I like that. Wood chipper. I love it. David, your final pick. I'd go up to the Colorado-Wyoming border to one of those firework stands and set the whole thing ablaze. Wow.

Everybody's going down. I'll go down for arson, not murder. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'll take the heat. Why'd you blow up that firework store? Why wouldn't I? It's really cool. You get caught on manslaughter, though. There's a body in there. I don't know that guy.

If you cop to doing the firework thing and they find the body in there, then you're going to be like, oh, shit, you're still getting hit on manslaughter. Then you're like, oh, no, I didn't do it. I was in there, then you're going to be like, oh shit, you're still getting hit on the anvil. Then you're like, oh no, I didn't do it. I was kidding. And then you're good. It wasn't Shaggy's defense. It wasn't me. How do they know that I... Those things don't have fucking security cameras.

Have you ever been to one of those? Absolutely not. It's basically just a trailer. Yeah, we used to drive up to them. It was a tent. We wouldn't even like... Oh, in the Northwest? Yeah, in Washington State they're just tense oh man Also shout out to all the Native American Reservations that let me buy fireworks as a child

Yes basically dynamite All ten baby Yeah I'm a survivor Yeah just blow them up in a firework Explosion I love it And granted I didn't have one Yeah I'm not going to explain it.

No. Sean. Helicopter ride as far up I can get Mount Everest and then just dump it out the North Face or whatever, wherever people don't go. You can't ride it. Helicopters don't work that high. As far up as I can get. How high can I get?

Oh, I don't know. But I think Mount Everest. I think they don't work in the air. Yeah, not Everest. What about like Mount Fiji or something? In Japan? What if you just climbed? It's a very populated. People go up there a lot. I'm trying to think of the place they don't go.

It's somewhere where it never thaws. So I didn't know they didn't work up there. Forever, I'm like, why don't people just take helicopter rides up to the top? I had no idea they didn't work up there. Damn, I'm going to get caught. You could just hike up Everest and say your friend was drunk the whole

time. People die up there all the time. I got to get the guy up. See, I like how I'm trying to be realistic with this scenario. I'm like, how am I going to get this body up there? I get a team together. I get a team of in-shape folks, very oxygen-oriented folks at the folks. Very oxygen-oriented folks

at the top. Oxygen-oriented. Get a lot of folks to breathe there. Get them up there. And then we take the body off the beaten path and just leave it like it's an air tank or something. I think that's good. We put it in a giant air tank as far

up as I can hike on Mount Everest. We hide in a giant air tank that's empty. There we go. Great. All right. Why do you have to put it in the tank? Because aren't there a bunch of cashed out air tanks up there because people litter like crazy now? Isn't that like a problem at the top of Everest?

I think so. Yeah. Yeah, that's a big garbage issue. Could a person fit in an air tank though? Oh, I'm confused. The kind of air I'm going to need to get up there, they sure could. I'm going to need a whole bunch, bud. Maybe some helium mixed in there.

On this one, on my final pick, I don't know that I'm not getting caught on this one. We're all in jail together telling these stories. These are just us sitting there playing cards in jail. None of us are good at killing. Or hiding bodies. It's the New York Philharmonic Symphony, right? Sure. They're playing a NY Phil. They're

doing a show with a piano at the center of it. So they're all gathered there. You know, they're doing the warming up. Playing Heart and Soul. The pianist walks out. A little bit of Heart and Soul. That's a different song.

Bows to the audience, sits down at the piano, cracks his knuckles, starts to play, but it's like, ding dong, ding dong, it doesn't sound right.

What's going on here? Why are the pianos not working? What's it sound like? Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. Doesn't even sound like a piano. Doesn't even sound like a piano.

Sounds like, sounds like Wile E. Coyote got a hold of it. Yeah. Sounds like Joe Theraki. Sorry Coyote got a hold of it. Sounds like Dothraki. Sorry, I just started watching Game of Thrones. I've been trying to put it in. There you go. You want the culture to come back to you.

Yeah, that was my plan. You lift up the lid of this beautiful grand piano. There's a body in there. Yeah, the lid. They call it the lid? I don't know. It seems a little pedestrian for a piano. The lid? There's a body in there. Yeah, the lid. They call it the lid? I don't know. It seems a little pedestrian for a piano.

I'm just upset. The audience calls it the lid. Yeah, yeah. They might have an Italian word for it, but like you lift it up, body in there. I hid it inside the piano. Damn.

I like that. So you pin it on the pianist. Yeah. Who doesn't? Yeah. Pin it on the pianist. Or, you know't? Yeah. Pinning it on pianist. Or, you know, it's just like, it's also just such a audacious place to hide a body where you know they're going to find that body.

But I think all the story around it, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not, I have nothing to do with the film, this situation. You can put a tuxedo on it. Yeah. And you got the, the story is not going to be who put the body there, really. They're going to be like, look at how horribly embarrassed this pianist was. It was his recital. It was his big shot.

One chance. Maybe it's Carnegie Hall. I don't know exactly where this is happening. Got to be Carnegie. Probably Carnegie Hall. Yeah. And he's like outraged and embarrassed. And he flies back to the know the netherlands where

he's from and maybe we start a rumor on twitter that he was also on the epstein list and now all of a sudden this guy's every finger's pointing in his direction yeah all sorts of reasons you've drawn the heat away from yourself yeah you go air you find a way to get him on that flight log and you're set i'm good yeah i might be good anyway. Hands clean. There we go. I was going to say, someone needs to laugh so everybody knows we're kidding. Ha ha.

I know. We're getting so serious. It really started to feel like when we were talking about eating a person. Yeah. This whole thing has made me far more comfortable than I like. Yeah.

Like, I didn't, I was never upset or like. I'm real calm. I got a nice resting Like I didn't, I was never upset or like. I'm real calm. I got a nice resting heart rate right now. I'm good. I never felt bad. The most upset I got during this entire thing is when we were talking about pimple popping videos. I gotta tell you guys, when we were like

texting ideas back and forth and I was just threw out places to hide a body, like I was like, that's gonna bum them all out. And all of you were like, that's great. Let's do that. I was like, this is going to be fun.

Oh yeah. Cause I was on a plane. I was on the plane when you guys were texting and I'm not buying the wifi anymore. Kiss my ass. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sick of that shit. I bought it one time.

Not worth it. Yeah. It goes out sometime. Well, here's what, and this is not interesting. I found out United will status match. So I think I'm going to jump ship. What?

Are you for real? Yeah, we can talk about it. They status match? Dude, I got to get out of there. Delta is, I feel, betrayed. It sucks. By the new, the way they changed the medallion system yeah everything it's trash now and and the last three flights i've been on i haven't had wi-fi oh they're like

sorry yeah yeah they're like sorry it's out i'm like or whatever yeah i'm like shut up i i'm just get the wi-fi yeah fix it it's 2023 we're in the sky they all got liquor so i'm cool i'm good yeah that's your wi-fi i'll get you anywhere a lot of emails to no one isaac where would you hide a body this is tough this is really tough because i've never considered murder and or crime. Sure, I heard you haven't, but... Right. I would hide in plain sight. So I would do this on Halloween, on October 31st. I know on Halloween.

Dress up the body as a vampire, lower it into a coffin, and then lower that into the ground. And no one would bat an eye because it's Halloween. It's like, oh, it must be part of the decoration. In a graveyard or in someone's yard? In someone's yard. I mean, Christmas rolled around they'd be like, this guy needs to get his decorations in order. You do it in Florida they're just going to assume he's

somebody's dad, drunk. Exactly. Exactly. And it's part of the whole gimmick and it's part of the prank. I like it. That's awesome. I could see it being a very well-dressed vampire too. You'd put some time in, huh? Oh, of course yeah yeah yeah i'd make sure uh isaac's using halloween to hide a body but to recap rosebud you went first and you took under your mother's home on by candle bars and then you get into a wreck with a car in a pot of chili puppeting them off of a very tall building

and then into the wood chipper there from fargo yes david you went second you put someone you were putting the body in someone else's grave on top of their coffin i picked early under the ground in a children's community garden you're making people sausage hucking them into your blind neighbor's backyard or burying them either way we'll see and then putting them in a firework stand and then setting that on fire yes sean you went third you took deep in the ocean in a cement foundation yeah skydiving with their ashes tossed into the magma of a volcano and thrown out of a or brought up on a mountain and then left there yeah i. I went last.

I took the bodies exhibit, putting the body in the bodies exhibit, dressed up like a pirate in an aquarium, sucked into a jet engine, cast in bronze, and in a grand piano. Love it. Love it. Fantastic places to hide bodies off. We want to hear your ideas. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter,

allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. i don't know if we need all these ideas what no sentiment no i'm kidding let's see you uh shout out to everyone on the afe patreon the afe shislakity the afe subreddit uh thank you so much to rosebud baker for being here. Yeah, seriously. Thank you. This is great. Again, you can see her special on Comedy Central's YouTube, Whiskey Fists, on verified stand-up on Netflix. On the road soon-ish. Not soon, but soon-ish. You keep an eye on her Instagram.

Yeah, pay attention to that. I go on tour in May, but I just got the routing and I'm like, I'm figuring out when I'm going to announce it. Watch Saturday Night Live. Watch Live After Beth. Anything else we can steer people towards? Netflix verified. We already said that.

Yeah, we said that. That's it. Can't wait to see it again. Go watch it. Go watch it. Go see it. Shout out to super producer Isaac on the ones and twos.

Yeah, buddy. Putting bodies in coffins on Halloween. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to H producer Isaac on the ones and twos. Yeah, buddy. Putting bodies in coffins on Halloween. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. They're more important than all of that.

Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaglackity! that was a hate gum podcast