All Fantasy Everything - Places You Feel Dumb At (w/ Rob Haze)

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

How old do you think Rob is? Comment below.Guest:Rob Haze (@robhaze)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything. I just started it right in the middle of a conversation. The podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of Sean drinking some E&J out of a coffee mug or pop culture. On today's episode, we are drafting. It's not any better. The places you feel dumbest. The places you feel dumb.

Yeah. Either one of those works. Places you feel dumb. Our guest today is the very funny comedian and writer Rob Hayes. Hey. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. with me as always are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Bori.

What's up, brother? Hello, my father, brother. Will you go to war with me, brother? I'll step into the light. Will you go to war with me, brother? When you go to war with me, brother? Is that from something? It's from Troy. It's Brendan Gleason saying it to Brian Cox.

Will you go to war with me, brother? No, but I like Troy is with Brad Pitt. Yeah. Troy not a quotable movie like that. No. I thought it was like I mean, it's from Troy. Oh, okay. The way I remember Troy doesn't like anything is from Troy. Now you know who you're fighting.

You eat the apple until your tooth breaks. From Troy. There was ten words in Troy, right? It's like an action-heavy movie. Yeah. Nolan got his hands on it now. They're going to do the Odyssey this summer. That would be good.

Yeah. But yeah, Troy wasn't. I like Troy. It's right up my alley. It's just an easy throw it on Sunday movie. Wasn't one of those? In one of those movies? Was there the one where, like, the director got a hold of it and did the director's cut,

and apparently it's way better? Zach Snyder did that with, um... Not that. Oh, no, the Snyder cut. It wasn't a Snyder cut. Fuck you, too. Fuck you, too. I'm trying to contribute.

Shut up. Do a better job. Ian Jay never yells at me. Will you go to, will you stay in war with me? He does yell at you. I'm sorry. Ian Jay never treats me like this. That's all E.J. does.

He and well, dude. I don't know. Ian J is wine? What is wine? He's Brandy. Brandy. Okay, yeah. Yeah.

You're a fine girl. Not good, Brandy. Somebody, what's that dude? Who's the guy who had the brother who was also a director? Scott. Tony Scott. Ridley Scott, maybe. Kingdom of Heaven?

Is that it where it was like they released it and it was really bad? And then he did like a director's cut and people are like, oh shit, this movie's good? I don't know what movie that is. I'm fishing. Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to say Snyder cut again. I mean, there's plenty of directors cuts out, dude. Yeah.

I don't think that's the only. only one. There's a ton of directors cut out, dude. What all do directors cut? Like, are there commercials that are directors cuts? Like, the director's cut, I think, when they is, like, they weren't happy with what the studio put out. Right.

Because they get their hands on it. So there's no, like, music video director's cuts. Probably. There might be. Probably. Like, there could be, like, there's a version where Scorsese recut bad. Yeah. Maybe.

Yeah. Yeah. That, because that, like, had to release. on television and stuff. There was probably all kind of back and forth with, you know, because the original bad is like, what, nine minutes? It's so long.

They go to school? They go to school. They started the school. They started the school. He gets on the train, he comes back. He comes back from school. Wesley Snipes is in the hallway. This school is not mentioning thriller.

No, we don't know anything about the school. I never thought Michael Jackson went to school. No, he was on Ed Sullivan as a kid. I know that he didn't go to school. I don't think he went to school. I don't think he didn't. I don't know why is school even in bad? I don't know.

So he gets back from school and then everybody's like, man, you think you better than us. You ain't bad. He was projecting. Yeah. He was really projected. He's like, this is how could it thought.

This is what he thought school was. He thought school was a place that you had to go far away and when you came back, you couldn't hang out with your friend. That's what they told him to make them feel better about my going. Oh, you don't want to. want to go to school. He can't be able to spin if you go to school, man.

He's two towns over, Michael. We can't afford to, we can't get you to school. You don't need school. You got brothers. Hit the scales. I'm your school. You get handmade down school. Yeah.

He didn't want to school. He'll tell you. No, Jackie definitely went to school. Oh. A few of them went to school, I think. Probably, right, before they really blew up. The older ones went to school, I think. Reebbe probably went to school.

Mm-hmm. I don't think Janet probably went to school. Nah, Janet was in Vegas. Yeah. How was she on good times? She like got to be 10. Yeah. Yeah.

Damn. James was on good times? She was Penny. I never saw good times. Oh, man, dude. Big blinds, it wasn't on Nick at night. It got on Nick at night later. It wasn't on Nickette night, but it was on around that time.

You just had to go to like a more, like a less budgeted. channel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was on that night. If you was up watching Nicky at night, you was missing good times somewhere else. I was watching good time to hours. And get smart.

Watching all that taxi, you miss good, you miss good times. Man, I did watch a lot of taxes. Me too. I watched a lot of taxi. You know what I remember watching before school started? It would be on before school. Joni loves Chachi would be on before school.

It would be happy days, then Johnny loves Chachi. I remember seeing that, but I was like, this is what kids watch that, like, ride the bus to school. Like, my mom would take, you know, my mom would drop my sister off and then drop me off. We'd have to leave earlier. And I'd be like, yeah, these other kids, they get to watch Johnny Loves show. Oh, man. She never got to watch Beast Wars probably either. No, unless I was sick.

Damn. I associate Beast Wars with tissue. Damn, that's tough. Beast Wars was like a good one. Huge. Can you know what that is? Was like... Transformers, Beast War?

When I was walking to school, Beast Wars was like, Lachkey kid walking to school, could catch the last second of Beast Wars. It's the beginning of like 3D animation, right? Toy Story era, but it's like way cheaper. But it's it's Transformers, but it's animals. Yeah. When would this have been?

96. I was watching MTV, like the music videos. This is more like the year or two in our age difference. It matters. I was one, because that was when, like, you could see, like, Thuggish Ruggish Bone before school on, like, the countdown or whatever. Yeah.

That's what I was. That's when I was watching Deborah Cox on VH1. Okay. How did you get here? Nobody's supposed to be here. Not even her. No. What are you doing here?

Nobody's supposed to be here. Yeah, she was like on an abandoned farmhouse. She was, yeah. She performed now on all that. Did she really? Yeah. Man, everybody was on all about. I was like, these kids...

Pretty adult. I'm a kid, and I'm like, these kids don't even know what they're doing. I'm in their age. All that was like a TV show you felt like you could have got on. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. For sure. Well, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that's how I'm in.

and the girl who went bad for what was her name? Amanda Bine. She was like the youngest, right? She was like a baby. I remember sitting that she was sitting on that bed with a Jewish star necklace and I was like, I have that necklace.

You know, I was like, I could be on that show. Then she got the Amanda Barnes show. Yeah, she did, yeah. I think that's where Drake and Josh came from. I think they was on... Spinoff of Amanda Bines? Yeah, no, they were full spin off with it.

Man. Yeah, yeah. We got to get some more spin-offs. When was the last spinoff? The good fight? The good wife and then the good fight. What's the good fight? This is the good wife UFC?

It's a spin. It's a UFC good. They fight. It's the same ass. Just get in the octagon. Just reimagine. Playmation style like a celebrity death match. It's a, it's just like lawyer.

They're just lawyers. They're just like, yeah. They're fighting the good fight. All the Chicago shows. Chicago fire, whatever. Chicago. Nashville 911 is a spinoff. Station 19.

I'm talking about comedic spinoffs or even movie to sitcom. Why do I get a comedy thing from something to spin off of, man? That's a good point. But like, do we feel like family matters is a diehard spin-all? I mean, it's technically a perfect strangers

spinoff in real life. That's right. That's why he got that role. It's a die-hard spin-off in our hearts. Yeah. But he got that role because of his high-hard role. So, Harry, back in the day, people operated elevators.

right before before they have buttons i guess i don't know harry was the elevator operator on oh my on perfect strangers in their apartment yeah and so but then she get fired like the first day of family

they had to cut time they cut the time the button guy came in like and that was like that was network being like we don't want anything to do with branch and pincher yeah we don't want him coming through because they was afraid of him Urkel in before Urkel. Did he Urkel off of Perfect Strangers?

No, I mean, it was his show. You know, it was half his show. They were like, we got to get that guy from Beverly Hills cop. Get him in a show, you know? Man. They were probably contract negotiations with Pinchot. And they were like, we can't let him get his fingers on family matters. I don't even remember the other stranger.

No, exactly. I bet he was pissed. The other stranger. Some guy named Larry? Was it named Larry? Was it named Larry? He looked like a Larry. We're no cute guys on Perfect Stranger.

Mark Lynn Baker played Larry Appleton. Yeah. Yeah, Marklin Baker. And Balkey, what? Economopoulat? What is it? Balski Barthaca and Bartakum. Yeah.

Perfect Strangers. Perfect Strangers. Yeah. Marklin Baker did some other stuff, though. You know Marklin Baker. He's Larry on Perfect Strangers. That's right. All right.

Well, we're going to spend some stuff off. We can figure it out. Come on, man. Oh, he appeared in the Broadway version of the Dunesbury Comics, trip. Great. That's great to know. We'll talk about that more. I love Pasadena coming soon. Huh? It was I Love L.A.

spinoff. It was pretty bad one. Okay. That's good. I just didn't hear it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt bad about it as soon as it came out. I do love Pasadena. It's pretty dope. Yeah. They closed the Waffle House. Back to the Future House. They're in a Waffle House in Pasadena? Mm-hmm. Win. Was that like the least act of Waffle House?

Before I left. It was like, if you took the gold line to Pasadena, to walk to the You guys know you always look The gold line to go to the ice house You would walk right past it Okay Wow I had no idea

I've never been to a Waffle House I'm not Did I say Waffle House? I met Roscoes I'm sorry Oh Wait they closed the Roscos You know they In a minute

Leslie Jones worked there Did you know that In 97? Yes It's done She's like put up this whole post Maybe that's when they closed I thought it was a random post

Maybe that's when they closed When you put up that post Saying I used to work here in 1997 Damn Yeah it's done for It's gross It was really little It was a lot little

So the wopahas on there It was a lot of time I did go in there It did feel like There's This don't feel like the rest of Pasadena Yeah It did feel like

It did feel like I was warped Into another neighborhood When I walked in there Because I'd be wearing Whatever color I wanted to You know what I'm saying? Yeah And I'd walk in and be like, no, I shouldn't have did that.

Yeah, yeah. The rest of the Pasadena very much has a, our chicken and waffles are separate. Yeah, for sure. For sure, unless we're on a rooftop. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. No Waffle House in Pasadena.

Yeah, I was kidding. Is there a Waffle House in California? I was going to say, are there any out of? There's one in, like, Phoenix. Or, like, in between here in Phoenix, I know. I went to one in Denver, and I didn't love it. Which one did you go to? It was out there.

Off of Parker Road? I don't know. I don't know the street. Most likely. But I do know that. You know, it was north or south? I felt like the people who worked there ain't been to a real Waffle House.

It was probably South. It was probably Parker. Yeah. Doing like Waffle House cosplay. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. I mean. I've been to one once.

But it was in Asheville, North Carolina, which felt like a real Waffle House. Yeah, that's a real Waffle House. Yeah. Yeah. I like Waffle House in Asheville. I've been to a few. Sean Jordan is here.

Sean Cougar, Melon Jordan on Instagram. Taking a decidedly serious tone as we turn to our friend Sean. Watch my Don't Tell Set, please. Well, it's now the most viewed thing on the internet. Took it over. Thanks for coming out to Omaha if you did, and then come see us in March at Toledano Street Comedy Festival. Yeah. Which is going to be a hoot and a holler and a bachelor party.

Absolutely. David Bori, the aforementioned bachelor, you're a cool guy joke, Jocatio 7 on Instagram. Also have a don't tell. Yeah. Oh, by now. Don't know when it's coming out. No.

But, you know, be on the lookout for that. I bet you like April. How long after you... About three months. Okay. Yeah. I really didn't take mine as seriously as you're taking yours. I wasn't planning on it even.

Yeah. And then now I'm listening to him and I'm like... Why not? I, to be honest, because I still haven't done it for two weeks in real time, I'm still not taking it seriously. Yeah. And that's maybe not great. I didn't know your... I didn't know your...

You're like treating it like a late night set, which is probably what you should do. It's what it is now. I think you're doing it smart. I think what you should do. Those numbers do more than a late night stand-up set most of the time right now. Oh, trust me. I have a Conan, not a lot of people watch. Yeah.

But I'm saying like... I have two Conan's not a lot of people watch. Since we're touching on it. Especially nobody watched. But I ran into that where I'm like I was, it was pounded out. Like every single word was thought out. Yeah. Like to me, I don't see why not.

No, that's not my plan. That's how I did it. I want to stop it out. I know my set. I know my set. But they also let you can help with the editing which is fantastic

I was very heavy in the editing process none of this is funny that's wild that they like are down to deal with so many neurotic comics like yo

this three seconds gonna change everything man you take that out they got on a video call with me it was like eight emails and she's like let's just hop on a Zoom call

and I apologize profusely and they were like we want we want you to be happy you were eight emails deep on the editing I wasn't on that for my

I aired right I wasn't on that for my half hour special I was kind of like gone and I got it I don't think I was 80 miles deep on a comedy central pilot I really I really I really try I was like I don't know if you think it looks good

yeah I tried my hardest set up let it shoot it please yeah we have it by the way I you know I have it I have it yeah yeah you have it you have it yeah have you guys watched it I've watched it a year ago maybe still good it's good

I never thinking it was funny at the time. Alas and a lack. You know? Brother. Father. Hero. All I. David's got a don't tell set by now.

Go check that out. Or maybe it's not out yet. It ain't out yet. I don't know if it's out yet. Rob Hayes is here. I got a don't tell sit. Did you give a shit? A few years ago.

How many emails? Not a lot of emails. I feel like it came out February of 24. So yeah, go around. that up, you know, yeah. If I ever do another one, I want to take it seriously. I was just very happy to get it. I've been trying to get one for years

and I find that I was very happy to get it. I hope you don't feel like anyone's making fun of you. You did the right thing and all of us were blazee. I'm making fun of me. Yeah, I'm making fun of me too. I don't know, Rob's making fun of you. You're making fun of you. I don't know. I'm not making fun of you. I don't know. It started with the E&J and now it's never going to stop. I don't know what I'm supposed

to be doing as a comedian. Go put yourself about you. You know what I'm saying? I don't know either. Go get, go get it in that. Yeah, go have some blue label. Thank you. I got you some E and J blue label. For some reason, people think I'm like the poster kid for like late night.

So like, they'll be like, man, late night and you don't need to be doing that anymore. I'm like, all right, man. All right. Well, you have that. No, I don't think any of it hurts. You have that interview where you were very, you were like, Sean on his don't tell where you were like, I've seen that when you do that breakdown of like what you were going to do. like how you were going to go about your late night.

Yeah. I feel like that's why people describe it to you because you had it, I think, more thought out than most people do. I got you. But people like, it should be taking that energy into Don't Tell Zets as well. And maybe the kids must be. And you're just over a youthful spirit.

Maybe they are. I feel like it's a lot less regimented than I. Like sitting there, I was like, damn, you guys are, like you don't know exactly what you're going to do? It's nuts to me.

I needed to know that just for myself, like nerves wise. I mean, my thought process was the audience isn't thinking this is a big deal. Yeah. So I don't want to bring big deal energy to people who are like, I don't know, I just went to a thing and then everybody seemed nervous. I don't know what, you know what I'm saying? I was. You can't tell.

This is why I'm so proud of it. Like I'm, I don't look, I look very natural. He's wearing a tuxedo. He's wearing a tuxedo. I got a cane. He's wearing a tuxedo. I got an overhead projector. Yeah.

there's a skit before his I have bodyguards bodyguards in the back Orange is a store skit has one of those I had credits I did my end credits There's footage of him walking out

and fist pumping the stage manager before he was out Yeah John Mullaney calls him the voice of a generation before he goes out You have to cut that and then you have to cut this next thing

I'm about to say Okay. Did you guys see Robbie Hoffman's special? Uh-uh. We talked about it. I watched some of it. Wait, is this on the record? No.

I haven't seen it. It's not good. It starts with Roby Haught, with John Malaney literally saying like, it's something like the voice of a generation or the best comedian I've ever seen or something like that and not joking. And then Robbie Hoffman goes out. David, what do you think of it? Like, I thought you was shooting at Langston.

I was like, ooh, this is getting spicy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. John Malady, Colise? I'm like, oh, okay, I'm in the middle of this. David, your response, no. I didn't, I watched it because you were talking about it. I didn't get through it. Me neither.

I don't really get through anybody's specials anymore. But it was like that, and then it was like 15 minutes of, like, just dirty for the sake of being dirty. It was just kind of bits I had heard before. And bad, like, yeah, anyway. And I really like Robbie Hoffman, but it was just like, man, that's a lot of for you. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone's set is to like open with that on a Netflix special.

I don't think I would ever want anybody talking about. They're all cut out. Yeah. Right. Like anybody. Yeah, no, that would be the eight emails like, no. Yeah. I don't need Martin Lawrence to bring me out.

Let them surprise people at the end. And if they're like it, they'd be like, oh, yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. No, yeah, you don't want anybody to... I don't want to build any pressure in. We're back in. Something got cut.

Don't even do that. Don't even do the something got cut, sincerely. All right. Let's just bring us back in. Did you say what you were... What else? No, we didn't. Plug this don't tell.

Plug his don't. Well, do you have anything else you'd like to point people to us? Hey, man. If you got Amazon Prime, I know you do, you got them envelopes outside, on the way inside from getting them envelopes. Turn on good sports. on Amazon Prime Week. Kenan Thompson and Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. Whatever order you want to do it. But yeah, I write on the show. It's a fun time. We're talking about sports, all the sports, football, basketball, everything that happens in the week. It's a little bit like that little Wayne mixtape song there for a second.

Sports center? Yeah. Football, basketball, like all the sports, sports, sports. Outside the lives, quite frankly. I love sports. I'm a competitor. Sports reporters. Josh Sondas always writing about sports.

Sports reporters. Way, babe. Bill Plaskill Road around the horn. Rights for the L.A. Times. Oh, God. She could have kept going That's the dedication too I know exactly what you're talking about

Oh, that's so great I'm Ian Carmel I have nothing to promote Other than come see us in New Orleans It's going to be wonderful That's it Yeah Hell yeah

Where does this come out Middle of February February 19th February 19th Oh come see me in Seattle Laughs in Seattle Come see your boy February 20th

21st Yeah Hell yeah She was a good heroin Right Oh yeah Good heroin every Saturday is free.

So yeah, if you have no money, go to that show for sure. In the back of the bookstore, Stories Echo Park. Great show. Classic show. Classic. How's the hang.

We're gathering today, not to reminisce on good heroin and to look forward to more good heroines, but instead, to fantasy draft places, we feel dumb. This is a great topic.

This is phenomenal. It's a lot of places. Doesn't spring to mind. More than I would like. Once I open the gates, I'm like, dog, I think I just feel dumb. Yeah. We might need to run it back and do places we feel smart so I feel okay. Yeah, we actually should have scheduled it that way.

There should have been like two drafts that won. Yeah, now we just got to go home to our significant other. Which now I'm saying picks. Dude, straight up. The way we determined the order of this draft is the rollicking game of rock paper scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. All right, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh, Sean wins. Cezers against two paper. Sean, that's the winner doesn't come upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, we'll remind you it it's a serpentine draft. What is that? It's a great question.

It's like pacing back and forth as you wait for pressing news. Pressing news. I like that a lot. Could be good, could be bad. It's pressing. But it's pressing. Pressing.

It's important. Hey, isn't this your show? You don't know what a serpentine draft is by now? How many episodes of y'all done? 480. David cannot get it. Godly. The other two times I've been on here, it's been the same thing.

I like how it's David's fault. Is this a bit? Is this a bit y'all doing the show? No. This is it being we done every single episode. Pretty much. And now I feel bad. I think we started doing it like at 20 or 30 or seven.

You just thought I was stupid every time he's going on the show. Every time he's gone. I let the first two slide. That's all right. Wait a minute, man. David, get a hold of yourself. David, you still don't know. I don't know.

Back and forth, man. Back and forth. And to think that I have explained it so many times and I never just said back and forth. With that, David, basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. No, thank you.

That was awesome. With that, mind, what would you order in today's draft be? Rob, David, myself. You. Hot corner. Rob David. Oh, good. Sean Ian is the order.

By the way, you can watch us on YouTube if you're enjoying listening to this. Watch us on YouTube. Get those numbers up. We want, we want like one billionth, one one billionth of Sean's Don't Tell set of you. Watch that Don't Tell. I tried hard.

Thank you Don't Tell for having me on. I love, we all love Don't Tell. It's wonderful. Have us back. I'll come back and do one. We're going to do worse than Sean. Let's see how I do on this first one. Let's get an AFE Don't Tell.

Oh, that'd be fun. Three do 15 or something? Yeah. tight. Do tell. Call it. Please do tell. Do go on. Rob, you have the first pick. Okay. But first we have to take a short break.

Cool. This episode of All Fantasy, Everything is brought to you by Factor. You want to eat better. Of course you want to eat better. Deep down, everybody wants to eat better. But you ain't got the time. You ain't got the energy. Same thing with me. I got a kid. That takes all the time and all the energy. And when they're a daycare, I want to watch Lord of the Rings sometimes.

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I like all the options. Honestly, they work in like a nice garlic chicken breast situation for me. They get those green beans in there. It's just perfect. Try it. Do it. You will love it. Head to factormeals.com slash all fantasy 50 off.

And use code all fantasy 50 off to get 50% off your first factor box plus free breakfast for one year. Offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with factor. This episode of All Fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Babel. Now, I want to learn a new language just as much as the next person. I feel like everybody, obviously, you don't want to, not really about like getting the parts of speech memorized for your own fun, although maybe that's cool with you if you're a language

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and you have the first book okay shout out to my boy Louis Winthrop the third I'm definitely going with the opera who's your boy what who's Lewis Winthrop the third I don't know what just happened so he was like a rich dude right? He switched places

with his bum off the street. He ended up getting busted. They put PCP in his coat. He had two tickets to Lobo M. Yeah. And opera. And so that's why I'm going with the opera.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm supposed to... Have you been to an opera house and already I was like out of my lead. I don't know where the... It was actually a Roscoe was checking an opera. No, it's shut down, but Leslie Jones did you do it.

She used to work there. Yeah, yeah. We got the pipes, definitely, for the acoustics. I don't know where the good seats are. Yeah, I know. I know that. Yeah, everybody buys the balcony, and I think the balcony is where it's lit.

But then when you're in the balcony, it's like, it's still a balcony. Yeah. I feel like I could see better if I'm down. Is that the pit? Is down the pit? Is that what that's called? The opera pit is where the opera sits.

No, the orchestra. Orchestra. The orchestra sits in the pits. Yeah, it sits in the pits. Yeah. The orchestra sits in the pit. But I've never been to the real opera, like pretty woman style. But I do want to go.

But I know when I go, I'm not going to know what I'm seeing. Yeah. You felt stupid just being in the house. I just feel stupid even being in where they do that. I don't even know what the, is it, is it, like, is there a story? They tell a story, right? Yeah, they're like plays, right? Yeah.

Yeah, but they're not always in English. No, they're mostly not in English. Right. I've heard opera saying, but it was in a church, and I haven't been to an opera, like in an opera house. I do know they have operas in English, and, like, that shit doesn't rhyme. So they're just like, you betrayed me,

and now I'm leaving. That feels less fun to me. Way less fun, right? No bars. I don't like that at all. No bars. You need that, like, Italian, like, you want the... I want hairspray.

I want that shit to rhyme real well. Yeah. I don't need it to rhyme. rhyme in Italian. No, give me Baltimore. Yeah. You guys seen hairspray?

Oh, oh, I thought you meant like a Baltimore accent. Like, give me to get and a Fortuna

I would like I should have done in hair spray Would you would you mind giving me a hoagie? California. I'm not good at it.

I can't. It's hard to do. Pittsburgh and Baltimore are real hard to do. Ballimore. Ballmore. Pittsburgh is weird. They talk crazy over there too. Yins.

Yins. This dude Ben Hark is. Yins gone downtown there to drink soup. That's his. Say to drink soup? Yeah, that's what he says. He's like, Yin's going downtown to drink some soup. That's his Pittsburgh.

I've been to, I went to the, Gustavo Dutamel, like the orchestra. Okay. The symphony. The symphony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I felt the same way the entire time. A, I didn't know where to sit.

Like, I got a seat in the second row because I'm like, that must be where. That's got to be close to the, but I'm like thinking like, we're pretty much court side. Yeah, but you want the sound carries, so you probably want back. So it turns out you want to be like kind of back center. You're up there with all the losers up front. So you thought you got a great deal on tickets. There was one where flip-flops in my row. Dude in a hockey jersey

Like you come to the opera before I was wearing a suit My wife was all dressed up I paid a lot for the tickets But the fanciest people were kind of like back center And then when it's happening You're not I'm like I don't know which part I'm supposed to be enjoying

Or what I'm supposed to be looking at But was the music really good It was great eventually that faded away And I just was like this is fun And I like picked a few people to watch And it was like The ambiance is probably fun I went to the symphony on mushrooms one time

And it was like I almost cried That would have helped. It was, well, but I went to, like, the regular people sent. It was Batman, the 89 Batman, and then they played the company. God, that shit is amazing. Like, they played all. Yeah. And, like, but we had eaten a sizable amount of mushrooms, and it was like, it was, like, pretty scary.

This was the right of spring. That would have been really scary. Yeah. But anyways, I think it was a great big. Great pick, yeah. At the opera. David Bory, time for your first pick. First day in a new country.

Yeah, man. You usually, like, I feel like you acclimate pretty decent, but that first day, you're like, you just feel like you feel stupider than you are. Like, you're walking around Japan, like, I've read books. Yes, this is what I want to know about. Yeah. I've been to countries that almost exclusively have connective tissue to the Western world, like thick connective tissue, like France, England, yada, yada, yada,

Japan's way different. Yeah, but everybody spoke English. Like, it was, it was, it was on me. Yeah. Because in Japan, pretty much everybody spoke English. To take the train and everything, it's all in English too. Yeah. But it's just like, but it's every country I've ever been to.

The first, the first day there, I feel like an idiot. Japan didn't feel extra disorienting? It actually was easier. Oh, interesting. It was actually, I think that people were more accommodating to English in Japan than in Europe. Okay. Did you do comedy over there? I did do comedy.

Because that makes you feel even dumber. Yeah. And they can totally understand you and what you're saying. You know, they might even know about Trump. They might even know. And then you get offstage and they can fluently speak something else and you have no clue what's going on. Yeah. It's like, I can't even figure out how to get to the pharmacy.

No, you feel like you're sorely lacking. I'm saying drugstore. It's all. kind of, you know what I'm saying? Like people pulling stuff out of out of coat pockets and stuff like, no, no, no, not that. No, I need toothpaste. Where do y'all sell toothpaste?

Ooh, what was the comedy like over there? It was pretty good. Shout up to the Tokyo Comedy Bar. You guys could all do it. They were pretty chill. And the cool thing is they gave me, they had me sign the poster, and they're like, now you can write this trip off. I was like, oh, that's right.

Don't tell customs. I didn't. Yeah. What was the, was it like expats in the audience or was it like Japanese people? It was expats and it was it was Japanese people working on their English. Oh, that's kind of amazing. Interesting. Interesting.

But then I also opened, shout out to Evans, I also opened for this guy's special taping. Oh, really? Yeah, because I did like four shows there. Yeah. So I also opened for this guy's special taping, this Kenyan guy who's been living in, in, in Tokyo for a long time. Was he doing in English? Yeah, he was doing it.

All their shows are in English. No, they do have Japanese shows too, but the shows I did were in English. That shit's a trip watching stand-up in another language. I've only seen it in Spanish, but where you just have no idea. And then just the whole room erupts and you're like, okay. I saw it in French once in Montreal.

I was like, let me take in all of the festival. And I saw them doing one of the French shows. And all I remember, all I could take in is they did a joke about, I'm an American, please speak English. I love that. And everybody laughed and I was like, oh, I see what you guys are. Let me use my credit card.

I get it. I get it. I was in Norway and I did, they have this festival over Oslo, which is kind of like their Coachella. Yeah. But then like the week before that, when all the stage and stuff is set up,

they have their comedy festival. And so it's a big outdoor festival. and I'm seeing all this comedy in Norwegian. I have no clue what's going on. And then, yeah, and then I'm performing in English, and it's kind of hitting it's kind of not, you know. But it's like, yeah, it's just bugged out to watch people. It's wild.

Like, because Norwegian, there's certain words that feel like you know what's going on, you know? But then they got all our music. Right. Oh, yeah. You'll see somebody go up to Soldier Boy. And then just speaking, like, it just sounds like, yeah, yeah. Nonsense.

They're like, we all come here, right, though. Yeah, it's your, but not, right? Yeah. Their intonations are crazy, too. Norwegians are like, it's very, it's like, you're not. Yeah, they got different vowels. Yeah. They got the O with the slash in it.

They got all kind of circle on top. Is the pacing the same at all? Like, stand-up-wise? I feel, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there were some shows I did, and I, like, I feel like, got crushed.

Yeah. And then there were other shows where I felt like, dang, there was like a disconnect. You know, I could tell, you know, like, it's like you bomb in, but you can't even, there's nothing you could do. No. You know, it's just like.

You can't really talk your way out of it. You can't rip out of it. Yeah, you're kind of on like, I'm on a small world ride and I just have to get to the end. Like, I'm on this rail. But also people there would be like, oh, yeah, we're polite. Like, we're not big lasters.

We're just enjoying what you're doing. Yeah. So then, so then afterwards a bunch of people, We'll be like, I'm so sorry, man. You are so funny. And it's like, we just don't laugh at stuff. Why are you apologizing? So weird culture they got there.

They talk to you afterwards, though, a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you encounter any drunk Norwegians on the weekends? Oh, yeah. That's a dangerous. Norwegians get, I was in Norway, and this guy was all drunk, and he kept saying, I am the real G-U-Nit. They love G-Unit.

Yo, G-U-Nit was going crazy out there. I'm not lying. You wouldn't have thought so seductive just came out. That was playing 20-8-0-that's so crazy. Yeah. No, they love G-U-Nit. As the last thing I thought I was getting here today. No, y'all think Kanye won.

No, 50-sitt won out there. They really love it. They're rocking with Curtis, for sure. He just kept saying it, I am the real G. Man, that. But then also it puts in perspective like, oh, techno is out here. This is where they do that at. Yeah, they like that better.

I'm secretly like, like, I rock with techno. Really? But it's like a lot, we put a lot on techno that I don't necessarily rock with. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't know what you're saying at all. All right, cool. The places where they play techno are not necessarily places where I could just hang. Okay.

You know what I mean? But at the same time, I mean, I could hang, but it's just, it's just not my vibe. But out there, I was vibing. And they had never seen nobody dance like me. I know that for a fact. They was like, I had a circle of people around me. I'm out here. I'm passing it to the other hand.

I'm doing all this stuff. Then this girl comes up to me. She's like, show me your best move. I started doing an Mvv dance. What? from fresh prints. When she did the... When she did the...

Minds blown. They're like, oh, my God. This dude is crazy. Like, yeah. God damn it. Sometimes you hear people say this, but like, you should animate that story. That's like a really beautiful story.

It was nuts. Shout to Oslo, man. Show me your best move. How was her best move? I don't know. I don't know. I was the king after that. If I did the end up, it was like, you can't get near me.

That is so fucking awesome. They haven't seen that before. They might have, if they saw it, then they might have been like, oh, it's real. Yeah. They haven't seen it. Then they're like, that's it. That's his best moment for sure. There's some Norwegian who's going to later on watch the fresh print when they finally get into like, they're going to be like, everybody got.

Yeah. Oh, they've been stolen it. Or he's going to be like, she's doing the rock. She's doing the rock. Jenny Huber, biting Rob Hayes. That's crazy. Oh, that's beautiful. That's really beautiful.

But yeah, first day in any country. In the foreign country. I remember I didn't stand, way worse story, but I didn't stand up in England. And I was doing like a long bit about Taco Bell. And like, you're in London, so I assume all this is going to work. And it's just like, the rest of the set was going great, great, great, Taco Bell bit bombed like so bad.

And I got offstage and someone was like, we don't have Taco Bell over here, right? They love KFC, right? They love KFC, but they go for Curry. But it was like it was like a late night bit that I used to have about going to Taco Bell and like it just did not hit it all. And it was like, I assumed everything would be one for one.

Cultural reference. No Taco Bell both. You didn't see a Taco Bell out there and you still was like, you're on the clothes on the Taco Bell bit. American exceptionalism. Yeah, I was like, surely they know what Taco Bell is. No.

It was that seven, I forget, I had that old, that Taco Bell bit about being stuck in the drive-thru behind somebody. I don't remember that. You remember? I was like, it was like, anyway. I just said no, I don't. Wait, drive-thrus in London might be another, like, they might, they have fast food, but they might not be like a drive-thrund, not drive-thru situation. Certainly not in London. Also, they're driving, it's on the other side of the car.

I didn't see a single drive-through the whole time I was there. Anytime I've been there. I think you're right. Yeah. I was failing on two weekends. Still been on drive-thrus next time. I don't feel like I've seen a drive-through in another country besides Canada. Yeah.

Dang. That's like an us thing, right? So it's not all bad here. You know what I mean? Drive-thers are all right. We can be proud. They are right. Even in states where it's illegal to have anything in your hair while you drive,

you can still get food. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, until you get home, don't eat it. Don't you eat this now. Don't get caught.

Come on. Sean, your first back. Mechanic. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, I can't.

I just, I have no, it's probably the place I have the least amount of like bullets in the, in the clip. I have no idea what to say. Yeah.

You could tell me anything. No. And I wouldn't know. Not one. Seriously, not one thing. I don't, I don't even know how to check my own tire pressure.

I can put air in my tires. I can change a tire. But like I have to have them check it every winter because the temperature changes. I genuinely, I've said this as a joke before, but if like somebody brought me over to pop the hood and was like, there's the hamster that runs on the little wheel and your engine died. And we have to replace that. I'd be like, of course. Of course you do. And how much is that going to be?

$12,000. That's what that costs. You just have to blindly trust. Yeah. Yeah. That's the, so I went to the mechanic the other day. They quoted me five racks to five. fix a $7,000

car essentially. It's like the Blue Book of $7,000. And I brought my father-in-law, who knows a lot about cars, and I felt so much better, just having somebody who could talk to them. And then we took it away. He was like, no, we're not going to do that. Then we took it somewhere else, and they're like troubleshooting the problem.

But I would have paid them probably $5,000. What was the problem? No idea. Cam shaft in a timing belt. No clue. What is what? I have no idea what was happening. I laughed at you. and that sucks because I don't know either.

They printed out everything that was wrong and I'm like it could be Norwegian. I would have no idea what they're saying. You seeded this on the episode we recorded in Portland hoping for someone to help you for free. No, I wasn't. You said beforehand, you were like, I'm going to say this on the episode

and hope somebody helps me for free. No, I'm saying hope somebody gives me a solid opinion that I can trust. For free. Gives me a blowjob in my broken car. Give me free car work on my car. No, I wanted somebody who I could trust. You said these suckers

who listen to all fantasy everything. These fucking plebeians. That was the word you said. No, I don't know that word. You said, but you said, and you're going to say, you don't think I know this word, but I do. And I'm going to use it in this specific context. My plebeians broken in my engine.

That's the big thing that's happening. No, a couple people reached out. Thank you for doing that. I appreciate it. It's at some place in Lake Oswego, but no clue. I just have no recourse. It truly, like, I feel like my brain goes white and hot. I really don't even ask.

what's going on. I'm like, you know, you can tell me if you want, but, you know, just fix it. Yeah.

Fix it or don't. That's, I mean, it doesn't matter what they say. Um, yeah, that's great. That's a great pick.

Mechanic. My first pick, I'm going to take, this is very specific, and it's less location than situation dependent, but also location dependent. It's when I'm at someone else's house, and they're trying to explain the rules to a complex board game.

that they have they played it? Domest I felt in 10 years was a game night this year. That they've played, that like they play a bunch and they love and they're trying to break down like like settlers a catan, even that or like games of that level. Not like Monopoly, right? Where you're like, okay, I get it. Anything that's not Parker Brothers. Anything that's outside of that like family of games that we all understand.

And they're like, oh, you haven't played Wingspan? And then it takes like, game night kills me. Kills me. I'm a fucking moron. Because they're... It's just like they're playing games with skills that I don't use to play games traditionally. Yeah, absolutely.

You know what I'm saying? Right. So it's like, oh, you're playing with passion and cunning and deception. And I'm used to playing mousetrap. Yeah. Where we set it up and we knock it down. And now in the game starts as soon as the box opens. So they're like clocking all your shit.

As they hand out the cards, you make a misstep. And then they're like, oh, clearly he's one of the proletariat and you're like, I didn't even know we were playing yet. That's what that is. I hate that. It's tough. It's tough. Once I get a hang of it, I have a good time. I'm like in. I'm in on a game. I'm struggling the whole game. When I say once I get a hang of it, I mean three plays in. I mean, I'm like, I got to be like three games in. I'm real big on like, let's just start playing. Because

people go through the rules and especially if it's a couple, they always step on the store, like they always want to be the one who explains different rules. So I'm like, let's start playing. I'll figure it out. As we go, I'll ask questions I need to ask. You know what I eventually found out. There's YouTube videos that explain it, and they do a very good job. And it takes one person. It takes 10 minutes sometimes, which feels insane to do at a party. Yeah.

But it really does work. But when someone's trying to explain it who's played that game, I feel like a fucking moron. I'm also slow on the uptake. Same. So that's the hard part about Game Night 2. As you feel everybody else getting it. Yeah. And you're still just like...

They're all making the... Oh. Somebody would be like, oh! And you did that because it's... So red dice, okay. And they're like, yes. Okay, so we get it. So let's start playing.

And then it's like, oh. And it's like my turn and I read the question wrong because I don't, I never knew what was happening. Yeah, they're like, don't you read the answer. Yeah. Oh, man. I just feel dumb with y'all back and forth just now. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That was a lot. It was a lot. But boy, but you, have you been to a game night? Most of parties I go to music is playing. Yeah. Like when you just hear people talking, that's what it's like, hey man, people grabbing their coat.

Oh, that was so harsh. You losers. I've never seen somebody so effortlessly rip someone's face up. Nobody throws us on a YouTube video. I don't get rid of these. I played some like D&D and stuff. I had to like beg and they, you know, and the people were like, you can't make fun of it.

Okay. You're not, don't make fun of it, and then we'll let you in. You know, like, yeah. But I never get invited to those type of things. You don't go to parties where someone turns the music off, puts on a YouTube video explaining how to play ticket to ride? Not at all. I'd be down.

Yeah, all right. I'd be down. We play like taboo and stuff like that. Yeah. Taboo is different because taboos is a great. That's a funny. Sit back. You're going to jump in.

Yeah. You could, you could be, they could have already cracked it off. You just on a team now. You're in the game. You know what's going on. Yeah, man. My wife and I played a game the other day that involved like building world wonders. And that wasn't one of the only ways you could win.

It was insane. It was fun. Okay. The third time. It's crazy out here. These aren't the games. Man, yeah. What games are you getting explained?

Man, fucking. It was goddamn, uh, fake Hitler. What? Don't know. Or something like that. Secret Hitler? Secret Hitler? Secret Hitler.

That's, yeah. Yeah. With Langston, but they were all so good. And then even my girl got it and I didn't get it at all. And then like at one point I like betrayed Langston because truthfully I just didn't know what was going on. Yeah. Like I couldn't read the room at all. Yeah.

And then I'm like and they're asking me shit and I'm just lying. Yeah. Because I think maybe that's it is so. It is. It felt like algebra. It felt like algebra. Yeah. We used to play a version of.

of that in debate called mafia. That's what they were all saying. Mafia. They were all saying mafia is like easier. Yeah. And like mafia was fun, but I have played in places where it's not like, like some people are more,

you know, more down to like socialize and the strategy be like, like you talking and stuff. And I feel like I've played at places where people are not on that. And then the whole game's is kind of random. It's way more like kill, kill, kill and less talking. I, in debate, of course, we played in a way where you could

enhance your debate skills and talking bullshit and bullshit your way through and improv and make-up stuff. And so I've played it both ways, but I feel like, you know, it really depends on who's setting the game up. I had a tough time, man. And then they figured me out early and then I was so embarrassed, but I had to, to pretend like they hadn't figured me out. They knew immediately. They knew I was a fascist immediately. And then,

God bless my wife, she's not, she's on the other team. And so she's like, oh man, it was brutal. I was like, I was, I think I played it cool, but I was thinking about it for five days after. Yeah. Yeah. Like truly like, man, you're doing it. I'm like in the, bro, I'm at home in the shower.

like maybe I just like go to community college just like a couple of just to get like just some day classes just like you're free yeah just like maybe like critical thinking skills or something clearly like everybody seemed to be in a place that I start taking ginkgo balova yeah the shit man game night that was a beautiful that was an amazing pick thank you have you have you i watched traitors no because traders is basically that is basically like one of those type of games but with celebrities on, like, you know, on TV or whatnot. And you see things in a real context, you know?

Yeah, man, I don't know if that would help. But then the stakes are high because then it's like, dang, if you kill somebody, they're not getting any residuals for the rest of these episodes. You know what I'm saying? Like, like, what you get eliminated? You're not going to get any more sanctions. Like, it's like, then, let's...

I'm going to take, with my second pick, I'm going to do I'll do talking to a handy man. God. Oh, is that a place? Yes, sure,

your crib. My house? Yeah. Oh, it's the worst one. He's in your house. Yeah. You feel dumb in your place.

And he's explaining to you what happened and you're like, no, of course, yeah. Yeah. No, nobody's flushing tampons. No. Exactly that kind of shit.

Just like the most basic, like, they'll be like, so do you know where your studs are? And I'm like, no. No. I know where a couple bucks are.

That's what I kind of want to explain to these people. I wish they were like different. We should have five cards. Are you pitching game night to the handyman? Kind of. Let me tell you to play wingspan. Red, orange, you don't know what's it. Yellow, green, you know, and blue, right?

That's what we should have. And like, and blue is like, hey, I'm like, I'm a really handy guy. This one's just above me. And the red one, the first one should just be like, I don't know. how my dad was not that kind of dad right so I don't know anything I don't know what my wall is made out of

I don't know where a stud is I don't know what a stud is you know what kills me when they want you they're like oh we'll just go light the pilot light and then I'll do and you're like I don't know how to do that I don't want to do that I just handed you a you walked in I handed you a red card you can charge me a little bit more money I don't know and then like maybe

like orange is I don't know I want to know red is I don't know I don't want to know I don't want to know I don't want you to talk to me about it. I don't want to understand anything. I don't want to be able to do this by myself the next time. I want you to come in. I hired you to hang a towel rack. That shows you what I understand about. Yeah, you're in here mounting a TV. Right, exactly. That's something that a lot of normal guys just do on their own. Well, a lot of guys on stud finder. Yeah. You ever get one of those jobs that you can't hide, like you honestly probably can't hire to someone just to do a towel rack? We did.

You did? Yes. That's so sad. We did. Oh, Task rabbit. Task rabbit. Task grabbing. I don't even know if we got that up. But I wasn't even task grabbing. I just had a call the handyman who would come over and done like actual stuff before. And I was like, will you come hang a towel wreck? And he did. Since then, my wife does it.

How do you think that feels? Laura's done that if you, I'm fine with that. It's like, yeah, sure. You want to go do it? Go nuts. Yeah. I know what I'm not going at. I tell myself I feel okay with it too.

There is a part of me that's like a little bit like she's in there hanging a shelf right now. And I'm not. I can't. And I can't. And I don't want to. What I want to do is write jokes About one battle after another I hung our curtains up in our living room

And I can see them ready to fall out of the wall Every day I look at I'm just like they're barely That's the other part If I hung the TV we would have to We'd be three TVs deep right now Oh yeah Yeah But I feel so stupid

Yeah It's like It's the worst because it's in the house Yeah And he's like Do you ever have a handy Like I had somebody hang the TV in our last time

when we moved to the house in Denver. Big nice house. And the guy's like looking at me and now I'm pretending I got business calls. Sure. I'm like, oh, I got to go downstairs. You just let me know when you're done. I don't have a fucking call.

They should have to come in and try to write five minutes to stand up. They'd be better at it. We don't know any more people in store. You do not. We fool. Try that in the next year. A little bit of time I had in construction,

those guys are hilarious. Yeah, they are. That's a worry, really. Are you handy at all, Rob? A little bit. A little bit. I've been in an apartment so long

that I don't have like some of the like real things, you know, like they don't let us do too much in the apartment. It's kind of beauty of it. Yeah, you got the super. Sean was talking about lighting a pilot light

and in Georgia as a kid I used to have to do that and that's scary. That shit's terrifying. I'm going to blow everybody up. Yeah. Because they, yeah, because they're like, well, you're the man of the house.

get down there and, you know, like, we cold, get down there and, you know, like the pilot, and it's like, oh, my God. How old were you when you were the man of the house? It varies. Probably, probably, like, 14. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The good thing about the pilot light, though, is it usually says on the thing. Oh, I don't trust it. This was like, ours was in a, like, a little dirt. It was like, we had, like, a finished basement, and then there was a part that was, like,

part of the ground. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. In a crawl space, crawl down there. And then, yeah. And then my dad was lighting pieces of paper. And then we had like a guy handyband. It came over and was like, if you was one of them long lighters.

Yeah. You don't have to light up a sheet of paper and throw it out for the best. And then, yeah, my dad was traveling, working, you know. Yeah. Divorce, all kind of stuff happened. So, yeah. So then I was, yeah, I was doing that. Man.

Anything in the crib Like turning off a breaker Or like the power goes out I gotta go flip the breaker I don't know No No clue I'm a different kind of guy

We have a generator We bought a generator now Yeah I have a video showing me Step by step how to hook it up And I'm still like I don't know I have no idea

No I hope I never have to Generator is kind of fun though It's got the pool start And so That would be fun It's kind of cool I developed a

set of particular set of skills that could only be developed by someone who came up at the 90s and would go on to spend a lot of money on improv classes Sean, have you a second pick. Trying to find a place to charge my phone. Oh, yeah. Like at the airport or something. Yeah,

just trying to find an outlet. You almost like come like with your, your palms up. Uh-huh. Like, you're holding the charger too sometimes where you're like, you know, any? Yeah. Yeah.

It's all plugged in just waiting for an outlet. It's getting easier with airports. now because they're all getting hip to the like gotta have outlets everywhere. But if you go to the right wing of a certain airport, there's none. And it just, I just feel so,

you're like looking under people's seats that they're sitting in. Pardon me, sorry, yeah. Oh, I hate it when you're at the airport and you get like that row of seats

that has the plug in it. It never works. The seats don't be plugged in. Yeah. They'll have like, USB things and all kind of stuff in the chair, but then it's like nobody plugged in the chair.

Yeah. Exactly. I'm trying to be the hero, but I'm like, I hope this is not like a see-something, say-something situation. But I'm like digging in the ground trying to plug the chair in. I'm like, yo, everybody's going to love me if I get this chair plugged in. Yeah. But if this plug doesn't work, then I look suspicious.

Yeah. That happens in LAX a lot. Yeah. Aspirational plug chairs. They don't put the chair in a place where it's like the chair is on the plug. Yeah. I can't even plug this chair in without. Making 20 people get up.

Yeah. And it's always people who work there who are sitting down. Yeah. They need it. You're like, you're tired. You're tired. I feel like working the airport tired.

It's got to be real tired. Oh, man. You work in that Jersey Mikes in the United Terminal? Because those shifts all start early too. Yeah. You got to be in before that for those first flights. So you're in it before. Yeah.

How are you? Chick-fil-A in the airport. And yeah, we had to be there at 5. Yeah. At Jackson? No. Yeah, Hartfield. I like it that you only said

Jackson. Yeah, yeah. You was like, yo, I'm only saying the black man. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. Yeah, I worked at the Chick-fil-A. Yeah, I had to be there 5 o'clock, 430.

That's tough. That's too tough. I think getting in the airport. It does seem nice, though. Here's the part of working at the airport that seems nice to me. You ever feel like every time you go to the airport, you see employees who seem like they're fucking each other?

Yeah. I can see that. Like more than other places. It always feels like coworkers are fucking each other at the airport. And that seems nice. They must be. It's got to be such a complaint. It wasn't going.

We were connected to a cinnamon bun and a Burger King, and it was a girl that I was feeling on the Burger King side. But it was just like. You guys were Star-crossed lovers, though. But it was more just like, seeing me at my worst. I don't got no juice in the in the Chick-fil-A kitchen.

You know what I'm saying? These grown people hate me. I'm like a college student. Yeah. Like, yeah. That is tough. Got burns on my hands from people handing me. You know what I'm saying? A tray of biscuits. Like, yeah, it just was, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't have the game

for that at all. That's a tough. That's a tough convert. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I remember, yeah, having jobs where you were trying to your coworkers, you were cool outside of work. Yeah. In your work uniform. They're making me wear the fucking bottom.

It's not always like this. I'm a man of influence. But I think when you see people out and they're doing a lot, sometimes it's because they're like, I'm trapped in this thing so long. Yeah, I'm wearing shades. I don't care how dark it is in here. Yeah.

That's a great point. I get it. I get it. You know what I'm saying? I'm finally free. Yeah. This is, yeah, this is who I really am. We're like too much of an outfit.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the hat and the shorts and the shirt. Yeah. Yeah, the whole, yeah. Because they're like, I got to be a chick-fil-a tomorrow morning. Right. Yeah.

I get that, though. Your second pick, David. Oh, the doctor's office. Yeah, that's a big one. Oof. Oof, who. And they just, they're so rude sometimes. I treat doctors straight up like wizards.

Yeah. Where it's like, somehow I assume they can see the past president. in future. They know everything I've ever done, all my little indiscretions, and I feel laid bare. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? And you want to be like, the right amount. Yeah. How many do you get a night? Plus one. Like, yeah, it's just like, or they tell you what's going on. And then, like, man, shot to my wife. I didn't even know there were bad doctors. This is something I went through. She'll come in with me sometimes

She'll be like, I think that doctor was trash Why they do that to you? Why do they ask you? And I'm like, I'm in there letting them do anything. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's some whack doctors And it's some doctors that will talk to you crazy. Crazy.

And it's like, you do not know me. Yeah. Like, it's one thing if you've been my doctor for 10 years and you're talking to me like this. Yeah. This is day one. Yeah. You don't talk to anybody like that on day one.

Yeah. Doctors talk crazy to fat people too. The crazy. Duh. Insane. Insane. They're like mad at you. for coming in. I'm like, the check still clears, buddy.

Yeah. All right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you going to do for this 20 minutes? I'm bumming you out? Yeah. I told the doctor how much I'm way and he was like, yeah. I'm like, you can't do that. That's not professional. You cannot do that. Nowhere in the medical business. Does it say, yeah? Like, you can't. No, I came here for help, guidance. He just barfs everywhere Robert You didn't meet me before

You didn't know me before Your job is to help Hey I'm here I'm here That's the worst noise That is Tia That's a worst reaction

That's a worst reaction that could happen Because it's also partially disgusted Yeah For sure Yeah The fact that you're there That should be You're like

You know how long I wasn't here I'm here This is progress Yeah It was hard for me to It's like the, it was hard to me to just get in here. Yeah.

Right. She brought me in. I was going to let my foot fall off. Yeah. I was just going to die out here. Yeah. I'd have died. I'd have died.

Whatever. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. No, okay. You wouldn't have been disgusted. I get to be 46, I guess. Yeah.

That's it. I'm checking out. All right? Instead, you get whatever portion of my copay you get. Yeah. All right? Yeah. Let's move forward.

And they're going to charge that copay. I had to go to a podiatrist. I had a drop some on my foot. And my foot was cut. Ambulance came. They were like, man, it's like if you hit your thumb with a hammer, you're good. I go to the urgent care. Yeah.

They put stitches in my toe. Oh, shit. Then I go to a podiatristian. They're like, why didn't you come to the hospital? I'm like, because the ambulance said I was good. I thought I was being extra going to urgent care. Yeah. The pediatrist was getting on you about that?

I would have just assumed foot. It takes care of itself. A little bit. You know how hard I had to get. That number. Your number, the podiatrist's number. Right, right. I asked for a podiatrist to hook up

from my regular doctor and they were just like, we don't know. Oh, my... I got a podiatrist. Really? I need to get that number. I got a good... I got a new orthotic.

I got a good podiatristian. I had one that was great. He moved. And then it's illegal for them to tell you where, like, if a doctor, like, you know, switches somewhere. Yeah. They can't legally tell you where they went.

What? So I was just like, can you just Google it? He ghosted you? Because they knew, because they knew I was bouncing. The minute I was like, where am I doing?

They're like, yeah, he moved to another area, town, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, well, where is he at? And they're like, well, we, hey,

we can't tell you that. But, you know, now you got Carol. I'm like, I don't know this later on. We'd love to keep your business. Oh, and the second doctor's never a good doctor. Second doctor.

It's like a second therapist where you're like, no, I quit. You got to explain all this couple over here? Yeah. Yeah. This is as good as it gets for me. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Doctor, though. Doctor's office always makes you feel like an asshole. Rob, time for your second and third picks. I'm going to say a biopic about a scientist. Sure. The movies call me stupid. Man.

Because I don't even know the lifetime. I don't even know the achievements that we're watching to see. Yeah. Minute one of Oppenheimer and they are on the chalkboard with it. And I'm like, okay. hey, what is this? Flying across that thing. Yeah.

And they, you know, I don't even know if what they, I don't even know what is real and what is fake. If it's just numbers on it or if it's a scientist somewhere like, nah, that's a real equation right there. Yeah. Right. That's how they was doing it in the 30s for sure. Yeah.

You know, I have no clue. I watched a beautiful mind a couple weeks ago. That movie was calling me dumb the whole time. so much so I didn't even know dude is schizophrenic I'm like What about the mission?

Yeah. Yeah. But wait a minute But the government gonna come and he's doing these equations for the government Which are y'all's just skipping

a head on that man I like he got his friends back But what about the mission man? Maybe movie biopics About like the guy who invented ladders Come on. Come on. I can follow along with

where I'm like, oh, yeah, stick, stick, stick, stick, stick, stick, stick, like, I can get that. I will get that. I want to know what I'm looking towards in a biopic. Like, Bohemian Rhapsody, I know he's going to ride under pressure. Absolutely. You know what the highlights are. Right.

Eventually stomp, stump, stump, clap. It's going to happen to the Hempian Reds. And then we're going to rock you. But like, I don't know what's, I don't know what these people did. No. That's a good pick. Oppenheimer. I guess it's the nuke, but I don't know any of the stuff.

the least. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how he got famous. Yeah. People just knew who he was at a dinner party. Yeah. Yeah. Right. All these other people. Oh, you're the dude. You did the fishing thing. I'm like, dang, what is the fishing? That's a great pick.

Yeah, dude. Number three. It's back on me? It's a serpentine draft. David'll explain it. I'll throw a break. I know I don't miss breaks. Except when I do. Except, you know.

It's about third of the time. I go half, I go all the way halfway through. You do, yeah. I do. Yeah, you do. Rob. Are we in a break? Are we in a, we're fucking in it.

Okay. And that was all, leave it in. Sure, sure. Don't you dare unionize. We'll do it live. I'm, I'm going, I'm going to go city council meeting. Oh. Have you been to one?

I haven't, but it's the fear that I don't know what it takes to run a city. Yeah. I've been to a bunch for the skate park back in Sioux Falls. We had to go to him to get the skate park built. Oh, how did they look upon you, a ragged bagged bagged? Ragged band of Haggabond. Not well. You know what's interesting?

You're like the fifth skateboarder I know who's done that. It's like the only way to get a skate park back down. Bonzo and them. I know a bunch of skateboarders who have that same story where they're like, we had to go to our town to get a skate park. Interesting. You guys are much more like civically engaged

than your average person. Yeah, we just showed up a bunch, like months. Like every one for months and then they finally gave us a skate park. Would you like go like they would have like public comments? That's actually how politics work.

Yeah, I guess so, right? That's the only thing we can get done in this country. It's the occasional skate park and people ask for it. Yeah. I can't remember how it went. I think we had to talk a few times.

We'd be like, can we please have a skate park? Pretty much. Like there's no reason we can't. If you want us to stop skating downtown at the bus depot, putting wax on the ledges, getting in your way, fighting, peeing all over the place, throwing shit on your door. You're like, if you don't build this, I'm going to go do drugs in a grocery store. How much do you? Skate Park cost. They gave us a real bet.

They basically just gave us like a slab of cement that we had to put our own ramps on. So I don't, I don't know. 10 grand. Couldn't have been anything crazy. But the city. And then now they have like an amazing skate park in Sioux Falls. A more charismatic band of Agabonds showed up. Better bad kids.

Yeah. Yeah, we used to go to them all the time. I felt like an absolute dip shit. Probably because of what I was wearing as well. So would you hear something like super heavy right before you have to like ask for the skate part? Not really. It was all like we went to the public. I don't know if it's different, but like the public part where really people were just asking for stuff, I think.

Yeah. Like people that wanted certain like new parking lots for like no parking. was at these meetings. No parking signs in front of their house kind of things. Speed bumps. Yeah. No more Germans in town. Yeah.

I'm sure. I don't remember any of that shit, but I bet there was some weird stuff. But yeah, the skate park for sure. What were you at a city council meeting for? I wasn't. But when I see them on TV, like when I see them on like, you know, like they seem intimidated. Like that one recently with the guy with the KKK hoodie? I saw that.

You're in L.A. No, I didn't see that. Oh. That's it It did look like I didn't know And he went crazy And like you have

They have to let you speak If you show up for public comments You get your three minutes Even if you got on a KKK H hoodie I didn't even know they made H hoodie or HODE Was it Swastika

Oh it was a swastika You're right, you're right You're right you're right It's like a swastika hoodie Six seven Like a hooded sweatshirt With a swastika on it

Yeah But he had it up You guys didn't see it On social media or anything No I did It was like two days ago Right Yeah

David your third pick Oh, man, these motherfuff, these fucking nerd hobby stores. Oh, sure. Man, fuck that. That shit sucks. That was on my list. What? What was on your list?

That was on my list. With specifically which ones? Like Warhammer? I'll tell you exactly what happened. I was behind enemy lines. Yeah. This was when, remember when I was really into remote control boats? Yep.

So the batteries die on them really quick, right? So we were like, well, let's go to the nerd store and kind of try to figure out. what we can do. Yeah. And I just, me and my friend Mel, we pull up and like, man, I had them in my pocket, which made me look like a douchebag anyways. Yeah. But we walk up to the counter and there's this nerd guy and he's with, he's got like a,

nobody in the store is doing any work. They're all behind the counter listening to him, regale them with some tale of goddamn troll heroics or whatever the fuck he's talking about. And I come up there and I'm like, oh, we need, we're trying to figure out extended battery life can we get bigger? And I take them out and he's like, do you even know if your mother is brushless or brushed? And then luckily Mel had looked up blind. He's like, brushless. And he's like, and these are proprietary connectors. These are all from different companies.

And he was like talking crazy because he had a girl there. And I was like, I know what a woman feels like. Yeah. So don't talk to me like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was just like, they make you feel nuts. And then I remember being a kid liking comic books and going to a comic book store in Federal Way Washington and then being like rude to my mom and shit like that? Gatekeepers, yeah. Yeah, no. I don't think it's a, I've never thought

it was a particularly sweet culture. Maybe you don't have friends because nobody likes you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gatekeeper because they get their little piece and then they like just fucking guard it like a, like a junkyard dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's their one thing that they have, they think. But it's like, no, the hobby's meant to be shared and get more people in it.

Yeah, you know who doesn't do that? Sports bars. Yeah. That's right. Right. You ever asked, like, I think you don't know who the Atlantic Falcons are. I don't know who the sports bar ever. Yo, no.

And they'll tell you what hospital Zion was born in. Now, men will do it to women. The thing that does happen where it's like name three Clippers, you know what I mean? Not sorry to use the Clippers as an example. Yeah. Terrible team. Jesus. I'm sorry.

They're bad. I'm still mad at the nerds. That's not fair. We're doing well recently. That's true. I'm going to a Clippers game in February. Are you? Yeah.

Playing the nugs. Anyways, nerd shit. Whenever you go, it's not a welcoming, it's not a welcoming situation. You know, skate shops used to be like that too. I feel like they're getting a little better now, but it was real confrontational. Like, you'd go in, and there'd be like three local kids,

and they'd just look at you. And you're like, I just want to get a t-shirt or some bearings, you know? But they'd just be mad that you're there. Like, it's a business. Like, I want to spend some money here, you know? Like stand-ups before you kill. People like me ruined it for skate shops, though.

What do you mean? It's the people like me that woke up one day It was like, I'm gonna dress like a skater Yeah, but that's still money going into the industry I don't think that's wrecking anything I feel like it's great, it's popularity It's people buying skate shit You think that but a lot of people didn't

Yeah, a lot of people hate that Yeah, they're wrong They hate that you go in and buy like The shoes and everything too You know, they'd be mad like if you go get skate shoes You're not skater I never bothered me Now if you suck and you're doing that

Then whatever you're wearing is gonna bug me Because you suck But if you're dope then where you can wear skate shit i've felt i've felt a cold shoulder in a skate shop before yeah yeah don't call a skate shop about some sneakers they'll they'll really chew you out on the phone now the sneakers they're like keeping shops in business like all the Nike drops and stuff that is that's a polarizing conversation they didn't want Nike in their business they didn't and a lot of people still don't but a lot of the shops now that's where they make their money because people don't buy things

at shops anymore they go online so they have like the in-store racking for the sneakers and that keeps the store and business and online sales with with like the dunks specifically Yeah although that might be going away a little bit that dunk a dunk mania It all goes in cycles. Yeah don't aren't crazy like they were yeah three four or five years ago yeah Sean your third pick uh when oh After I cast after I chast after I chastise you leave it all in Leave it, but don't you dare unionize. Am I going to get in trouble for joking about that?

Are people going to be like... You're in unions. I am a proud member of unions. Multiple unions. Multiple unions. But, like, I think people are going to think I'm actually saying that to you. You're not anti-union. No, I'm fucking the most pro-union that you get.

He did say no more unions, though. I said to cut it off after this. After WGA, I'm like, I think we're good on unions. That's it. No more unions after that. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back. And we're back.

Welcome back to AllFian and say everything. where Sean Jordan's about to dazzle us with his third pit. When I'm supposed to be on the list and I'm not on the list. Oh, that shit does. I feel that tall. Yeah, that shit is not a good feeling. Like, oh, just letting they look. They're like, sorry, not on it and it's just such a dead stop.

People never give you the benefit of the doubt. No. And you can be like, no, it's like. Especially out here. It's one of my best friends. How often are people pretending to be on lists? I guess it must be happening. I guess a lot.

I guess a lot. I bet you that happens a lot out here. I bet it doesn't happen too much out of L.A. Yeah. The list thing, but. There are times when I'm like, there's not a lot of people in there who are like, you know what I mean?

Where I'm like, if someone's lying about trying to get in here. Just let them in. Let them in. You know what I mean? Yeah, like getting Compton to shows or whatever, like that kind of thing, you know. I had to sneak.

I've never been to the Hollywood Improv Green Room and I went there last night to watch LP. Oh, yeah. She went up there without me. I'm standing there like, like, shit. Oh, right upstairs? Yes. And there's a door person right there.

I'm like, I don't have it in me to walk up and say I'm a comedian. I just can't do that. With that, I mean, I don't know if that's enough there. No, right. Yeah, I think everybody's a comedian there. I just walked up. I got by, but I felt, I just felt so stupid. Comedy hangs are tough, man.

My first Bridgetown, I didn't know anybody in comedy at all. I only knew my friends in San Francisco. Brutle. Really? Britsen. My first one was like, yeah, would have been 2011. Okay.

We didn't like the cut of your jip. No, I actually met you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were cool. I met you the first day of Bridgedown, Ian. Don't know where I was. It was a utopia when I went. I was smoking weed with Robin freaking out.

That's where I was. Not my personal. Yeah, and I was like, calm down, dude. It's okay. TLC's playing. I was losing my mind with Rob and Will and Jesus. I got to go. I got to go.

I got to go. I got to go. I got to get out of here. We're like, all right, dude. Think about that all the time. You want to talk about feeling stupid? That was shit where I was, I'm not doing my mind. I'm like, you're being stupid right now.

Like, you sound stupid. God damn, that was, oh. Yeah, anyway, thinking I'm on the list. Also, just saying I'm on the list. I don't even like doing that. No, my name's on the list. Yeah, I always try to finagle it with different language. I think my friend might have

Some tickets maybe waiting for me or... Yeah, like that kind of thing. The list just sounds so fucking lame to me. With my third pick, I'm going to take buying pants. Oh, at the store? Yeah. Don't feel like I've cracked it. Oh, that is...

They don't make pants for everybody. They don't. They don't. I don't think they ever did. I don't really know a pick. I think they made pants for a majority. Yeah. I think I have a better grasp on it than I ever have in my life,

but I still don't know which pants I'm supposed to be wearing. I don't always know what sizes correlate to what I'm supposed to wear. I'll go back with a waist size that I'm like, think I'm like, that's a very comfortable fit and then try them on and the buttons don't even get within shouting distance of each other. That's such a bummer where, like, there's no way. There's no way there's pretty much.

Because like extra large, that could be different things to different people. 36 or 38, that's a measurement. What do you mean? Yeah. What do you mean they're not even getting close? Like, is that after breaking them in? Like a unique low 38 is no way. Where near a Levi's 38.

Fuck no. It should not, but it should be one number. That's what I'm saying. And also, yeah, Uniclo will have like a, it will be like 35, 240. Yeah. And then, yeah, it'll be like, wait a minute. Just choose the number. You go all the way down.

Like you get an XL hoodie at Uniclo and you're like, this is a medium. Yeah. At best. Yeah. It's just, I just feel stupid every step of the way. And you can't buy them online. What's a unique? Uniclo.

Oh, am I saying it wrong? Uniclo? No, it's the fat guy because they don't. Oh, not even. Not even on the radio. I took my tiniest brother to Uniclo. He bawled out. I haven't been inside of one.

Hey, when I, before I was eating and making money, I was in Uniclo. That's the part that makes me even more sad. I remember Uniclo being baggy. And now it's like, yeah, I won't even go in me. Yeah, you were really fresh when you lived in New York, too. Yeah, hey. You had a snow beach polo. No, I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I probably had everything around that. You had something that looked like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I remember seeing a picture. If you saw me, you'd be like, they got once a snow beach. You had somebody who wanted a snow beach. Yeah.

That's kind of good to know. That makes me feel better by myself. Yeah, no, no, no. I would like the day I did the tonight show is the day they came back out and I was like there's no way no way I'm gonna be able to swing this and also I couldn't afford it yeah how much is it it's got to be over a thousand right yeah to find one is it's like a thousand 1,200 and then it's like pristine condition nobody's selling them oh it's a ralph laurent thing yeah yeah let me see it let's it's the it's the it's the rakein it's it's a rakein

It's actually a quarter of it. It's the pullover that Rayquine wears in the also simple remix video. Well, you should know you're doing well then because I thought you had a snow beach. $1,500. Yeah.

Order one right now. They made a snow beach rugby and that's the one I really wanted. But yeah. They're sick. Love a rugby. Mm-hmm. Love a rugby, brother.

Love a rugby. Love a rugby. I love a rugby. shirt, buying pants and then with my fourth book. Okay. This is, so first day in a foreign country, this is slightly different.

And so I'm actually going to augment it even more. I'm just going to take any train station. Any train station, especially foreign train stations. Okay. But like really any train station. It's not a kind of traveling I do enough to be good at it.

So like I don't know where you're supposed to stand. Even like the New York to Philly one. Like, I'll go in there. And I'm like, am I in the right place? Did I take that with you last time? Yeah, we took it. Yeah. I was just on a way to Seattle.

I was coming back from Seattle on train. And I got in line and I heard them very clearly say, if you're in the train, if the line to train, the line for the train to go back to Portland, you need to come to the booth and have a printed ticket. And I stood there still. And I'm like, no, that can't be. And I'm looking at other people's hands to see if they had tickets. Yeah.

And I felt so stupid because I'm like, you know you have. And then I wouldn't get out of line because I was going to have to. to tell like 10 people they had to move for me to cut through. And ultimately I had to do it. I stood there for about 10 minutes and debated it. And then I had to do it. And then I was at the end of the line. In my head, I felt stupid the whole time. Yeah. You feel stupid the entire. The whole time. I put airport rules on train stations and it's really a lot more like subway station, it turns out. Oh yeah. Yeah. Train station's a lot closer to bus station. It's a lot closer to bus station. But when you're in like another cut, when you're in like France trying to make

that happen, you're like, I'm not going to have a place to sleep to. night. You know what I mean? Sleep on the ground at the train station. Yeah, yeah. Except for Tokyo. It's, except for Tokyo. The trains are, it's like pretty easy.

Well, like in New York, they got like, what, Penn Station? Yeah. And then it's like every train. Yes. You know, so it's like, oh yeah, this way you go to Long Island. This way you go to New Jersey. This way you go. It's like, wow, all the trains in one spot.

Yeah. Who did that? Yeah. You know, Penn Station was the first place I ever got to in New York because I flew in to Newark, and then I took the train into Penn Station. It was the first time I'd ever been to New York. I was so scared my friend lived in Hell's Kitchen. I remember walking through Penn Station, like up the stairs and just thinking,

don't let them push you around. No, that's the most cartoonishly New York place to like go for the first time. That's the way. I was like, it's exactly what I thought it was. All right, I'm walking. Give me a slice. Yeah, that's intense. Sean, your fourth thing.

Cell phone store. Like getting a new phone. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Getting a new phone. Every time I go to get one, I try to have them bottom line it.

Right up, I'll be like, I'm buying this phone today. I promise you. I promise. Tell me how much it's all going to be right now. Every fee, everything included. they'll hit with a number

and then right when you're they're wrapping everything up it'll be like $15 more and they're like well that's I can't cut that off and I'm like I didn't expect you to I just want to know upfront tell me

they just can't it's like impossible I never know if my information's in the cloud or whatever how to transfer it I don't know most of my passwords like if they need your Apple ID I don't know any of my password

I didn't tell you and they have to reset it and so I was like a all right what's your email and they'll just do it no I feel like an absolute moron Like the cases, the extra charters.

You buy the cases. Usually, what am I going to not have a case? I always think they're trying to fuck me. I always feel like I could get everything cheaper on Amazon. Yeah, I just don't want to deal with. I don't want to order the wrong thing. It's like, send me out here with everything I need. I'll come out with a cheap case and then I'll get the real case on Amazon.

Yeah. I get the screen covers, that bullshit that, you know. It's a lobooboo. I get a loo. I buy the guy's lunch. Yeah. I got you, buddy. Thank you for your service.

I'm always taking cards. Yeah, I just feel like a moron getting a new phone. That's a great pick. Thanks, bud. David. Oh, this is so weird. I don't know how to explain it. A high school.

Sure. But now. Yeah. In high school, I actually felt fairly comfortable. But like now when I go to a high school, I feel like I'm going to get tested. I feel like they're going to put me in, like, they're going to figure me. out. It takes you down.

I feel like they're going to suck me back in. Yeah. It's how it feels like. Like last year I was at my friend's little brother's football game at the high school and just even walking through and seeing all the kids. I was just like it just made me feel dumb and small. Really? More than I felt at high school.

Yeah. Because in high school I was pretty cool. I went back to one recently. My old school and I lit up. It was like, yeah. I was like, I felt excited. Maybe my school, if I went back to Lincoln High School, that would make me feel all right. But any other school, I feel like a loser.

Yeah, that's a good distinction. I haven't been to my school since 2006. Yeah. If I had to go, if I had to talk to the kids, I feel like maybe I'd feel something about just walking around a school. Now I got this gray hair. I'm good. Yeah. I'm like, yo, I'm a grown up.

Yeah. I still feel in it. It takes me right back to like, and like not when I was big dog. It takes me back to like ninth grade. They got a big picture of me hanging in my house. high school. That's ridiculous. They don't have any photo evidence of me because I don't have a senior picture. So on our

on like the class of 05 that's on the wall, I'm not in there. That's crazy. Like I was like my school's first graduate class was 97. I graduated in 2003. I made the Hall of Fame like the School's Hall of Fame in 2020, 3 or 4. And I feel like I'm glad I got it early.

Because if they just give it 30, 40 more years of high school, There's no way I'm making that Hall of Fame. Your school is only like 30 years old? Yeah. It's a really young high school. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So then they're, we should do a high school hall of fame.

And it's like me and then like one guy who was in major league baseball for a couple, like two years. Not even like a good athlete. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I don't think most high schools have a guy who is like an MLB All-Star. We don't. We don't. We got no.

We got another. I don't think we have. Oh, okay. I don't think we have a guy who played D1 all four years in the history of our story. Really? It's probably me. My school is little. Oh, okay.

We had some people who played D1. Chili from TLC went to my high school. That's Sean's favorite TLC. Two of the guys from Goody Moll. See, these are like we see him fly. Like, I would have to do a lot to be in the hall of the same. Yeah, picture in the school. Were there when Chili was there?

No. Why would he be there when Chili was there? I can want things, David. I can want, you're 70, aren't you? Chili ain't 70? How old's chili. Not wrong. 50?

52? Chili's at least 50. You think I'm 52? You think I'm in a four-year radius of 52? She's 54. It's 54? You think I'm either between 56 and 48. I don't know why that hit so hard, but you think I'm 52?

No, I wasn't thinking about it. Oh, damn. No, I don't. No, just be clear. A girl in our high school went to Harvard. That was, like, probably the most anyone's ever done out of my... Go to college. Go to go to a high school.

Diallo Riddle went to my high school. Who went to Harvard? Who did? Diallo Riddle. Oh, oh, yeah. Jesus, man. Who did you go to grade high school? Yeah.

Yeah. It was a school of excellence, 1987, you know? Benjamin Elijah May's high school Go Raiders Like somebody who we had a woman who went to Kara Braxton who was in the WMBA for a while That's not a lot We just didn't have a tonne

We don't have an notable alum We have an architect in my grade There's another guy Well Sam we got a couple comedians You and Sam Talent That's pretty legit But that's I mean

There's a lot of people Raising families who are probably pretty happy right now We have a we have an Olympian Whitney Ping, who is a ping pong olympian. And her last name was King. It was Destiny. Mm-hmm. That table was in the crib.

Oh, Sam Levitt, who just transferred to LSU. I forgot. He went to my school. Yeah. So, yeah, I got in right at the last minute. Anyway. Rob, it's time for your fourth and your final picks. My final pick is a real easy one when somebody asks me the last thing I read.

Yeah. Because even if I read something recently, it's not going to be impressive. Yeah. You know, it's not going to be something. Like, the conversation has died. Yeah. The many of you've been like, all right. Hey, what's the last thing you read, right?

I was like, ah, man. Hey, man, y'all seem wicked, man. I was having a combo the other day. And I was, we were, somehow we were talking about books or whatever. And I was like, yeah, I read that Will Smith book, blah, blah, blah. And then I realized, like, that was three years ago. Yeah. I was pre-slapped when I read that book.

Yeah. I was most informed on the slap. I was like, well, I know about his childhood. He built that wall, one brick at a time. David, very impressive, what have you just read? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I just read The Idiot. I've been letting people know.

Yeah. I've been bringing it up. You have to be a idiot? Yeah, Dostoevsky. Okay. Even Sean's written a book. I'm reading a book. And now I'm reading,

now I'm reading crime and punishment. You've read the novelization of the Chris Rock movie Top Five. I'm reading the script. That's crazy. And then it's a shoe in the bag. It's a shoe in the bag. That's cheating in the movies. It's reading the script.

Reading the script. Ripped of any movie is so funny. Just like not for not for show business purposes just if you like it. They sell something at Barnes & Novel. Sometimes it'll be like, yeah, if you want to read Succession, you can.

Yeah, I'll be especially. I read Boomerang. I've seen it so many times it was really not just. There's some visual stuff in Boomerang was pretty important for me. It's funny. I do like looking at scripts like movies like that where it's like clearly what was on the

page. It's not what's on the screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then it's like, oh, this movie would have been way quicker. Like, none of this John Witherspoon stuff is here. No, this is just kind of a rom-com. Yeah, yeah. It's just like a classic. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's an excellent pick. And your final pick? It's very similar to it. It was going to the dentist. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because they only give you, the instructions have never changed. Yeah.

But yet so many things are going on in the. the mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Brush your teeth floss. It's been that since the beginning. Yeah. But it's always something new happening.

Yeah. I just found out in my adult life, teeth are connected to the heart. What? So did I. I know you can get heart disease from still having like your wisdom teeth and stuff. And that's what I mean. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

What? It doesn't always, I still have my wisdom teeth. I got all of them. Yeah. The dentist is like, you don't need to get them out. But a part of it, like if they get infected. it can mess with your heart. I don't have any of mine.

I got all mine. I got mine. I got mine. You got all yours? Yeah, I got all yours. Oh, man. I don't really meet a lot of other people that have other wisdom teeth.

I'm not 52. You're going to have to put Wisdom Ventures in pretty quick. If I was 52, maybe I would have to get something taken out by now. I'm not 50. You think I'm 52? I mean, there's some people out there watching who are 52. Like, hey, man, what the... It's just not my life.

Yeah, they got to 52 honestly. Year by year by year by year. You're trying to jump him to the head of the loan. I don't think you're 52. I heard high school with chili and I wanted you to have been in high school with chili. I assume everybody's as old as me. I just asked. But I think we're the same age.

I think so, too. Yeah. We got to be with, what are you, 38? I'm 37. Yeah. Same. Cut that out. You ain't got to cut that.

Yeah, going to the dent. I do too. I always feel sheepish too, where I'm like, sorry. I know. I'm sorry, I know. Yeah. We never comes up. And I'm always like, that's got to be the problem, right?

That's the majority of what's going on. There's a combustion having in my mouth that we never talk about. Pretty much daily. Because sometimes I'd be like, I don't know what you did, but, you know, this is great. And the other times are like, I don't know what you did. This is terrible. And I'm like, I think, I think it's when I don't smoke, well, these are fake. Oh, are they going to all special about it?

Oh, I haven't heard of YouTube. Make sure you go watch that. Well, they look right. These are Godgiven. That's why I got gaps. Yeah. That's one's fake. I've ground mine down.

I want to get, I don't get like a gold on or something on there. And this one's like half gone. That's pretty far back. for a gold tooth, right? I guess you'd really have to spread them. I want it like for pirates in case I get in trouble. Absolutely. David, your final pick.

Yeah, your adult job. I've been thinking about this a long time. The zoo. Really? No matter how many times I go to the zoo, I read the same goddamn facts about the same goddamn animals, and I am impressed the same way. Over and over again since elementary school.

They haven't switched up the zoo animal order really at all. No, you're like, ooh, chimpanzees use tools. Yeah, that's exactly. And I do it in every fucking room. And now I'm like, I must be a fucking idiot. I go to the zoo like once a year. Yeah. And it's still, I, nothing sticks.

I've never felt dumb there. I feel a sense of whimsy. I feel, but I feel like I'm like, every year I find out what the Yacobi eats. Yeah. That's on me now. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It sucks. You're not allowed, you're not able to go through there and like, you know, the Kobe eats XYZ. Not at all. As though you're informing people. And the way that they make you reveal the facts is stupid. You mean by lifting a little flutter flap? Yeah, you have to lift something or you have to like crank a thing and it'll go open slowly.

That shit sucks. I'm 38. I'm trying to jump as far as a kangaroo. This sucks. Sucks in here. Yeah. Except for that time we went to the zoo and we went behind the scenes. That was great.

Shout out to Madison. Yeah. Do you do that in Madison? No, when I went it was cold Damn I don't think of, yeah I don't think I've ever been out there Wouldn't it?

They'll take you behind the zoo Yeah, the zoo season We went behind the Tushed the rhino They didn't know A lot of touch the rhino I touched that rhino Didn't they say something

About Shane got to touch the rhino He said Shane and the rhino Really had a moment Yeah, yeah Yeah they said they Yeah they were like the rhino Connected with Shane He's on his way here

Sean your final pick returning an item just pretty much in general. Oh man, that's a good one. I hate it. Yeah, I feel broke, I feel stupid, I feel like the receipts or the tags. When they ask me if it's used, and it is used, and I say no, good God.

That's some of the most embarrassing shit. What used stuff are you returning? Like if I wear a pair of jeans for a day and then I decide I don't want them and they're like, did you wear these? And you do the dance, you know? No, I didn't wear them and they go, okay. They always find a spot.

They're like, well, there's chocolate here. I ate chocolate on them. You're like, that's not chocolate. I use them as a plate. I didn't chocolate on them. It's crazy. Checkmate. So are you wearing jeans with a sticker on them that have the size and stuff and the tags and everything?

No, I'll take all that off. But you bring it back with the stuff and give it to them. And they got to take it. At which point are you eating the chocolate before you take the sticker off or after? I'll just put the chocolate right on the jeans when I get in the car, cut it up. Some nice almond bark. you know it's chocolate

time it's a new jeans not of the candy store well if I'm having a treat that I'm gonna look super pretty all right

returning an item my final pick is going to be when a friend who is not in the entertainment industry is explaining their job to me

and vice versa yeah yeah I they're like I do X, Y Z blah blah I do this kind of

thing for again even my my dear friend Nick Nampa. I hope you're listening to Nick. I love you. He has like cool jobs. It's a cool job. He works for like right now I think he's working for Apple.

He doesn't work for Nike anymore? No, but he was working for Nike for a long time. He was on the fucking NACTA team. Yeah, he was on the NACTA team. He was on the NACTA team. It was crazy. Like he'll explain his job to me all the time and I'm like, I don't really, I still don't really get it.

I still don't get it. I still don't understand what he does. I don't really under, unless you're like a job that's in a Richard scary book, I don't understand what you do. Is it hard too? Because you guys went to college together? No, not really. Not hard, but where it's like. I wish I, I feel like, he's like one of my best friends.

He's my like oldest friend. I'm like, I should know what you do. And I ask. I make an effort. And I just, it's just like when he tells me. It doesn't hit. It goes to my brain. And my brain's like, I don't know what to do with any of this.

Yeah. He's not. I feel like he's always on a cool team every time I talk to. Always. He's always doing cool shit. stuff we did. He's always like, oh, yeah, I have to fly to fucking Munich for this, like, shoot with, you know, X, Y, Z.

Like, he's in cool places doing cool. I don't know if Munich's a cool place, but, like. He was in New York, he was in New York launching that Nachta fishing gear. Yes. That also shout out Eelan's tribling with, and he's like, I met your friend at this fly fishing Nakta event in New York City. I was like, that's really neat. Always doing cool shit, and I never understand when any of it is.

But it's him, it's like, my mom's a nurse. I know what that is. You know what I mean? But, like, if you work. doing computer I don't know what that is that was crazy those crazy kids are coming

like dude that is boogie computer school bro I feel like real people's jobs they're always like talking about managing and time and logistics things I really don't know what logistics is

they're circling back a lot yeah yeah yeah as per last emails I know touch base, but I don't know. Forms. They have forms. They got a... The only forms I ever fill out are 1099s. Yeah. My wife's a... My wife is in education.

She was a teacher. And so that was easy. Yeah. Mom's a teacher. Went to school. Was taught. Get that. Right. Now she does something else in education.

And I can't explain. Yeah. I can tell. I just like... I wait till someone ask her and then try to remember what she said. Oh, man. to other people. Yeah, yeah.

That's really hard. Like, because how long has she been, because now she's not going back to teaching. It's been like, it's been like two years. Damn. Yeah. Damn. But like, yeah, but like, yeah, I think, I think, yeah,

if it's not the basics, doctor, lawyer, nurse, teacher, I'm going to be honest. Firefighter, police officer, yeah, president. Not a job a cartoon cat has in a book. Yeah. Jobs, you know, up to. the third grade.

If nobody has this job in Gotham City, I don't know what it is. That's right. I don't know how they entrust insurance claims in Gotham City. I couldn't tell you. Sure, it's complex. Yeah. A lot of hazard. Rates are high in Gotham City.

Got to be high. Oh, I bet it's crazy. They had a flood. They got the Joker. Can you imagine trying to manage a dark alley? You own a dark alley? City with the fucking overhead all that. Property values are so low.

Isaac, do you have a pick? Similar to Sean, the car dealership. And they're explaining to you all these features of the cars. Like, the mileage is this and the wheel drive is fucking... I don't know. You're like, how much red leather pussy can be cram in here? Does it have red leather? Yes or no?

That's all I care about. Where's the water bed playboy? Wait, did everybody peek? Yeah. Yeah. Nobody said museum. No. No.

Everybody an expert on art and... No what it is? I think the museum. Natural history. We know about the natural history in this room. Here's what I think. This is truly what I think. This is why the zoo makes me feel stupid.

The History Museum presents the facts to me in an adult way where I don't feel like an asshole just reading. Got you. You feel dumb doing this to get the facts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas a history machine, it just says it right there. It's there to inform you. If you want to know what this animal eats makes some noise

and then you've got to make some noise. I got you. I got you. Art museum I feel stupid because I'm like, why is this good? Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes. Unless it's at a big scale.

Yeah. Something that looks dumb, but it's big as hell. It's like, well, you got to figure out where to do that. Yeah. You got to figure out where to make that thing. You know what I'm saying? People got to believe in you for you to even get that off. Yeah.

No, you can't just paint that big if you suck it. Right. Right. Right. Right. This thing is like 30 yards tall. Yeah, that's like you gotta find a building. You know what I'm saying?

Airplane hanger, you got juice some way. Yeah. Zach Harper, do you have a thing? Zach Harper's been here the whole time, by the way. A new gym that doesn't have a basketball court. That's my default. I'll just go shoot around. I'm good.

And then I can feel comfortable with the gym. But a new gym where I just got to figure out where I'm going to work out and what I'm going to do, Hell no. Are you talking about LA Fitness? Have you, I've been going to the wedding in the new neighborhood. I'll show you. It's pretty good.

Okay. Being the first on a machine, like you never seen anybody do the machine. Oh, my God. And you just got a naked machine and you got to put weights on. You got to fit. You got looking at pictures of just, you know. Those pictures are bullshit. Yeah.

You're watching those videos of that guy. It's the crosswalk dude, but now he's working out, you know? And it's like, man, yeah. And then you see someone using. the machine properly after you. Right. And you feel dumb as hell. I hate waiting for a bench at the gym.

Oh, that. Like where it's like I've done all the stuff I could do. I can't do more tricep hold downs. Yeah, I just need this adjustable bench. It's cool that you have seven sets of dumbbells for some reason. Fucking. Be on one thing at a time. Can I just say that to people at the gym?

There are people doing like four machine circuits and they want you off all of them? Yeah. No. You get to superset two. At most. Right. Yeah. That's fair.

How do they let you know it's a held machine? What stuff? Yeah. Water bottle. You ever take it off? Yeah. You ever got into it? They don't like it.

But people will take as much space as you let them at the gym. Yeah. To recap. Rob, you went first. You took the opera. A biopic about a scientist. A city council meeting. When someone asked you the last thing you read and going to the dentist.

David, you took your first day in a new country, the doctor's office, nerd hobby stores, a high school on the zoo. do. Sean, you took the mechanic, finding a place to charge your phone when you're supposed to be on the list, but you're not getting a new phone and returning an item. I took learning a board game, talking to a handyman, buying pants, a train station, and when a friend is explaining their job. That train station, for real. That shit is ridiculous. Setting up a printer, we didn't say. My shit still is not working. Home Depot? I'm kind of nice at setting up printers. Really? Yeah. Home Depot's, that was tough, yeah. Walking around at Home Depot? Like, people? People know how to do stuff with all of this stuff?

Also Home Depot, there's always those guys who are grabbing something for work. There's like you trying to improve your home. And then there's guys in the middle of their workday just going to get you. Paint all over them. Shoulder with like long pipes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have my card not going through, bums me out. Like if that happens, you feel compelled to be like, I got the money's in there.

I mean, I got it. I'm good. It's not a big deal. Yeah. A dress like this on purpose. But if you do have enough money, you'll just have another card. Yeah. Which is, that's been fun.

lately, but it used to be terrifying. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm out of here. I remember when I had the one card. The other car was a gift card. That's a piece of car. It's a piece of card. That's just like the wallet, like, you have enough weight. To make it look like, yeah, you've got to disperse it.

Or did you ever have it when people knew that it was the California State Unemployment Benefits card? No. Because, like, they all looked the exact same. Unemployment, the visa. Anyways. I started working at Chelsea lately two days after I moved down. Relatable

Relatable Relatable ass podcast Baby No but even Like the first time I moved here I didn't I don't know why I said that

I don't know why to clarify I was trying to Guess what? I have a show business call in one minute So can we wrap it up? I'm sorry I'll say this

It'll make me look like less of an asshole And it didn't It made me look like more of an asshole I had money the first time I just lived on my bar mitzvah money The first time You didn't have that I never

I was actually bought mitzvud That's funny. It is a sexist religion. We want to eat yours in a list of All Fantasy Podcasts at Gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Isaac Lee on the ones and twos. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel, Frankie Oceans, Sid, the dude. Had you meets and more more than all.

I'm tuned to get next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy, Everything. Chicacity! That was a hate gum podcast.