All Fantasy Everything - Presidential Administrations (w/ Jared Logan and Jon Lovett)

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

In the third episode, we fantasy draft a Presidential administration. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedian and writer Jared Logan and television writer Jon Lovett, who has also written speeches for President Barack Obama and Senator Hillary Clinton. Together, they'll draft a President, Vice President, Chief of Staff, Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense. It gets weird almost immediately. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. It is prescient. It's timely. It's in the news. And I am nothing if not a political creature. Even though I'm probably one of the foremost experts on politics in the world, this week I brought in a couple of experts. The stand-up comedian Jared Logan, who is a very bookish, smart man who often wears blazers. He doesn't even have to. He'll just show up somewhere wearing a blazer. You're in a t-shirt.

That's the kind of guy he is. And joining myself and Jared today is former President Obama speechwriter, former Hillary Clinton speechwriter, political pundit, political expert, television show creator, 1600 Penn. The wonderful John Lovett joins us here today. And we got together to fantasy draft our ideal presidential administration. That means president, vice president, chief of staff. A chief of staff is basically like the president's friend who makes sure everyone in the administration sort of stays in line. Secretary of State, which is America's top

diplomat, which I think I say 45 times during the podcast because I just found it out. And then the Secretary of Defense, who's the person other than the president who's in charge of the Army. They also have to push the nuke button when and if we launch nukes. So that's what we're drafting. That's who we're drafting it with. Thank you for listening. I had a great time with this one. I learned a lot, and it got incredibly surreal and ridiculous.

I think you'll have fun, too. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another titillating episode of All Fantasy Everything. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and today we are drafting a presidential administration. Today, we are drafting a presidential administration. That means a president, a vice president, and then three other roles that each of the contestants today will have arbitrarily picked. I say contestants. We can use whatever we want. Guests. Let's use guests and let's meet them.

Candidates. Oh, candidates. Whichever one they're going to pick, the fucking administrations, the candidates today, and you will vote for them later perfect uh that was uh jared logan stand-up comedian television writer yeah bon vivant raconteur raconteur grand dame of the avant-garde yeah so you have so many titles yeah man about town man about town more than anything uh joining joining myself and jared we worked together on the late late show on cbs yeah yeah so anything jared or anything uh james corden has

ever said funny it was either you or me who wrote it that's correct we can go on record going back to when he was very young very young it was the idea was it to uh say yeah just sing in a car for a while that was jared and i came up with that yes that's i thought of that yeah yeah not in no it was my idea for the car to have like a seat belt you added the car yeah yeah yeah i was like sing you invented the abstract conception of song yeah you were and for words to have melody to that's right in ancient greece yeah i remember that so yeah we've been at it a while and uh today we are joined we are joined by a friend john love it john hello hi john uh now has is advised on the newsroom creator and head writer of a 1600 pen you bet called classic cult classic television show peep it right now dude where can they find it uh i think that they'll print a dvd if you order it from amazon

you can they'll print the dvd it'll It'll show up like what they have to make. One to one. They don't waste a single one of those 1600-pen DVDs. They make it right for you. They're $450 a piece. Fresh squeeze 1600-pen DVDs. Voted once the funniest man in Washington. That's true.

That's not a great. How funny is Washington? Is that a funny place? Well, it's a thing. It's like being the – you know, that's like the best pizza in Bangalore. Yeah. Okay. Got it.

So pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty delicious. Bangalore's pizza scene is surprising. That's an avant-garde pizza scene. And I've said avant-garde twice in the first three minutes of this podcast. That's okay.

It's a good word. It's a multi-use word. You didn't stand – I was reading your bio. I'm sorry if this seems weird that I know a multi-use word. You did stand up at Grover. I was reading your bio. I'm sorry if this seems weird that I know all this stuff about. You did stand up with Grover Norquist. Yes. Once.

That was the night. That was the night. That was the night, yeah. You beat Grover Norquist. I bet I did. How was Grover funny? Yeah. He does a lot of dad jokes.

Great, yeah. He does a lot of golf and dad related material. I love golf humor. I love the specific jokes about golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to really know golf, though. I do. Jared's a big golf guy.

He loves everything from when it starts all the way to the end. My passion is the rules of golf. Not the game so much, but just the nitty gritty, the language of the rules, the bylaws. Perhaps more germane to what we're talking about today, you were also a speechwriter for Barack Obama. That's right. And for Senator Hillary Clinton. I sounded so drunk when I said that. Yeah, yeah.

Senator Hillary Clinton. It does reek of booze in here. I'm hammered. It's coming through my poise. There's a lot of empty bottles. I pre-gamed for this podcast where we draft politicians. I pre-gamed pretty hard. I had a tea party where I dumped all of the alcohol into my stomach before the podcast.

Nice. That's what that Indian headdress is about. No, that's a different thing. Oh, okay. I've just been tired of being told to stop co-opting things so i've decided to co-opt everything yeah yeah i have yakuza tattoos underneath my clothing right now too uh uh dude since we have you here jared you're you're into politics and all that sure uh i mean you you're the i'm kind of the head of the monologue on the tv show so you're

constantly reading over political stories. I have to read a lot of news, which I honestly did not do as much before I got this job, and now I'm a news head. Yeah. A real newsster. Makes your life a little bit worse. A newsie, yeah. John, do you still stay – I mean, you're in the world of Hollywood now, but do you still stay pretty plugged in? Yeah, well, yes.

I can't help myself. Yeah. I read everything. I view my Twitter as something important I do for the country. And so it's a service. Yeah. You should receive a tax credit for it. And now I'm doing this. I'm doing a political podcast, so I do have to stay in the know.

Oh, that's right. What is that called? Where can people find it? It's Keeping It 1600. Oh, of course. But I'm now being added. You're on the roster now. Yeah, we're expanding the universe.

Yeah, yeah. We'll be doing that once a week. I love that podcast. I've heard you on there before. Oh, great. So check out Keeping It 1600 on the Ringers podcast network. Yeah, I forgot I was doing it. Yeah.

You're in on it. That's fantastic. I've enjoyed you on there. So, I mean, we're not going to go in depth on the current political climate, but what the fuck is happening? Yeah, yeah. We're off the rails. Yeah.

The train is off the rails. People are pulling each other out of the cars trying to stay alive. It's exciting, isn't it? It's kind of exciting. Does this see – I mean, how unparalleled is this? This is pretty unparalleled, right? Yeah. It's – no one knows what to do.

It's a crazy thing. Everybody's talking about, well, you know, there was a time in our lives where all of our excess mental energy wasn't going to thinking about Donald Trump. Yeah. Like, I remember when he was just like a New York buffoon who sometimes had a TV show. Yeah. And now we're dreaming about him. He's in our minds all the time. That's true. I feel like I've had dreams about him.'s in our minds all the time um that's true i feel

like i've had dreams about him well that's been a news story right people are having that he's showing up in people's dreams yeah yeah like like a freddy krueger he's so he's so ubiquitous if he wins in the dream he wins in real life he wins the election he's polling people think he's wasting his time in like mississippi and mexico, he's pulling deep within everyone's psyche. Did you just say he's Freddy Krueger? Yeah. Oh my god, yeah. If he loses, he'll get his revenge on us.

We have to elect him president or he'll haunt our dreams for the next eight years. Hillary will be taking stay-awake pills, speed all the time. Or this is the dream, and when we wake up, he already won. Oh, this could be the dream. Does it seem like, I mean, it seems, I'm, by the way, I used to enjoy Donald Trump's existence. And I feel like this is the, because he's, I don't think he's going to win. You can still enjoy it. He's gone, I feel like the fun Donald Trump has gone forever now.

He's not going to, he's not going to win. Yeah. So, really, he's just doing us a favor. He's kind of walking around and reminding us oh look it's a lot of racism over here yeah he's kind of like oh here look at all this south carolina there's a lot right here okay yeah oh arizona there's a big nest here it's they're laying eggs like he's got like a follow spot he's like an exterminator that comes to your house and points it out he's like the good cop and he's the one who's sort of tricking all these people

into admitting what they really think. Right, yeah. That would be amazing if that was the key. And then Hillary brings down the hammer. Yeah, yeah. You're going to jail. I get it, yeah, yeah. He's bringing the racist part of the country cups of coffee

and giving them a sandwich. Right, and just saying he gets it. You know, he gets it. He's also adding... People misunderstand him. He's adding all these people to the campaign in an interesting way

where he got that Breitbart guy or Breitbart guy and didn't he just hire someone who was part of Citizens United? At each turn, he has to fire someone for being heinous and brings on someone

more heinous. More heinous. Exponentially more heinous. It's incredible that these people are available. Right. And they're like, sure, I'll drop whatever I was doing and come work on the remaining month of this campaign. Well, he doesn't want to win.

And people have come out of his campaign and gone, he's told us he wanted to get to number two in the primary. Yeah. So that it would improve his brand. You know, he wants to start a news network or something. He doesn't want to do this. He definitely, he does a lot of times look like the dog that caught the car. Yeah. There are these moments where he wants to be like, this isn't my life.

You know, this isn't what I signed. Like when he was handing out supplies in Louisiana. Oh, miserable. He had this look on his face like he literally had never had this much contact human earnest contact with people he didn't want something from and you saw the same look when he was in mexico this kind of deer in headlights i'm in over my head why am i here yeah how did this happen yeah i think someone submitted a joke on the show that didn't get on, but it was like, it looks

like he's been hit with like a tranq dart just so he could give his like Mexico address. Like they were like, he'll go rogue. Hit him with the fucking tranquilizers. Make him so sleepy he can't get like a Hitler Youth thing going with him. Because he was slow motion Trump. Anytime he uses his prompter, he turns into zombie Trump. Yeah. Chris Pratt with a clicker from Jurassic World.

Oh, I'm the alpha. He's all right. With the people he's co-opting, I'm worried. I mean, one of two things could be happening. He could be exposing all these people, bringing on the Breitbart guy and the Citizens United guy, and now they've worked on a failed campaign. Or is he legitimizing it? Which of those things do you think is happening?

Or both? Is it both? I think there's going to be... I think there's two big things that Trump is normalizing and one of them is racism. Yeah. And who knows if that lasts or not. I think that's an open question that depends on people inside the Republican Party and a lot of other kind of factors of who runs and who doesn't all the rest.

But the thing that makes me actually more worried, because I do think this Trump racism, we are saved by the fact that it's a bad strategy. Yeah. Like there have been so many Republicans who've been like, you know, I could forgive a lot of these horrible comments, but I don't think he's going to win. And that really bothers me. And so his greatest sin is having a bad strategy. So racism not working in America anymore, long-term, that's a great thing. And hopefully that's a lesson

they can try and learn again, even though they tried to learn it with the autopsy of, you know, the so-called autopsy in 2012. The thing that makes me more afraid is this other side of what Trump does, which is also dangerous, which is the fact that your campaign's rhetoric and message doesn't have to make sense. Yeah.

You can really say whatever, that the connection between your policies, your proposals and what you say, what you proposals and what you say what you say and what you said in the past that that if you try hard enough you can completely sever the connection between those things yeah and it just doesn't seem like there's enough bad consequences for that there are it's not great right there's slight consequences but but but it's pretty clear that you can get away with more than i think we understood that you could get away with in part because no one ever really tried. And that's going to have ramifications because other people are going to go,

oh, I can do that too. There will be smarter people who do that. And they'll be smarter than him. You actually want to be president. Well, that's the thing. Trump is like this fascism fire drill. And we're all walking out slowly. And then we're seeing these stairwells should be wider. We need brighter lights on the floor.

Because he's just like – he does a disservice to fascists because he just doesn't have the discipline. He's not good enough at this to be fascist. So he has all this rhetoric that he can't seem to – his lack of discipline is ultimately what's undoing him and I think the fact that there's just not a big enough pool of white people who didn't go to college right he has he has an immovable base but the base is smaller than maybe he gambled it would be right but is he is he normalizing racism maybe i don't understand that that uh phrase because to me it's just it's always been there he's just kind of to me i like the fact that we're like we try to ignore this or people want to say things are post-racial or they want to say like, oh, it's a lot better than it was 50 years ago. But it's not at all, even a little bit. And I think he just kind of is like reminding us that.

Except, you know, I think people say, oh, you know, Trump came in and he's just dredging all this stuff that was there. But here's the thing. Sometimes when there's mud at the bottom of the lake, it's good to leave it there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lake was better before the mud was all up in the water. We could live with the mud down there. But now he's made it OK to say certain things. I just – my hope is the dog – he sort of exchanged the traditional Republican dog whistle, which liberals have been complaining about forever.

And he said, like, I'm just going to use a real whistle. Right. I'm going to use a megaphone and a whistle and some bells and I'll get a band. And that's not working. it, eliding their views? Or will smarter, younger conservatives take the helm and maybe say, you know what, let's really, really turn the page on this kind of politics? And I don't know. I don't know how you can turn down such a successful strategy in the future, how people can't see that and go, oh, this is so successful. If I just have the discipline, and if I'm just a little bit smarter about it, this is going to work.

Yeah, except it's a strategy to win 40 percent of the Republican vote. That's a good point. Yeah. On the thing of like people talking around racism a little bit, when I was doing Indecision in 2012. Indecision on Comedy Central. Yeah, I talked to a guy who was like the BuzzFeed political guy or whatever. I talked to a guy who was like the BuzzFeed political guy or whatever. And he said that when they were going around in 2008 and Obama was getting elected, in every state they would talk to people who were conservative.

And they would say – they would talk around it. They would be like, well, you know, I don't really know where Obama's from. Like we need to answer some questions about his origins. But then when they went to my home – Was that an Irish accent? Yes, it was. He was deep in South Boston. When I went to my home state, they went to my home state

of West Virginia, people were just like, he's black! How are you going to vote for him? He's a black guy! They just came right out and said it. And these are now the people who are unshakably Trump people. That's why I love the fucking morons of my shitty home state. Right, because there's no veil. They're just openly foolish.

Yeah. Speaking of openly foolish, where can people find you on social media if they want to keep track of you guys? I'm openly foolish at Jared Logan. On Twitter? On Twitter, yeah. Do you have Instagram, like posting pictures or anything like that? I really should, but I just don't have any beach pics that I – Why should you?

Why should any of us? Well, no, people seem to enjoy it. They seem to get a lot of enjoyment from it, don't have any beach pics Why should you? Why should any of us? People seem to enjoy it They seem to get a lot of enjoyment from it Yeah I guess that's right John's going dark early I just don't I have the same attitude you have Which is like fuck that fucking shit

And then I'm like that's extreme You just happened to catch Jared It's Friday we were just out of work have a three day weekend so now Jared's feeling very positive about the entire yeah

I think if this happened on a Tuesday he'd agree with you 100% yeah I have an Instagram account but because it's because I'm a narcissist and I need those likes

you need those yeah yeah get me those likes give me those likes John where can people find you other than you're on 1600 yeah

just my Twitter you know at john love it no love it john there's no h and john l-o-v-e-t-t you bet yeah girl yeah so follow these two and uh we we spent enough time talking about the current political landscape let's start talking about the political landscape we're creating via all fantasy everything yes and then maybe there'd be some music here i don't know we haven't really engineered it yet the fantasy political landscape the fantasy political landscape we might even just leave this part where i'm sort of talking like it's a placeholder we should call it the imaginarium oh yeah yeah yeah of dr penars penarsis of dr fernandes i think it'd be a shame to cut this it would be a shame to cut this we didn't let the this shit's gold baby let's show them

how the sausage is made and see if they still want to eat the sausage. Alright, so the way we're going to determine who goes first is the ultra-scientific method of rock, paper, scissor. Now, where you draft in a fantasy draft can be strategy, so if you win, you can decide

to go first if you want, second, or third. As our guest, John, Jared, I'm going to let you guys play rock, paper, scissor. It's one round of it. Rock, paper, scissor, and then it's out. There's no shoot. Rock, paper, scissor, out. So it is shoot.

So on scissor, no. It's rock, paper, scissor, go. Let's do it. You ready? Rock, paper, scissor. It's a tie! Two scissors! I forgot they're podcasts. I got it. You ready? Yep. Rock, paper, scissor. It's a tie. Two scissors. I forgot the podcast. Yeah.

I'm describing it. Talking them through. I got it. You guys get in the game. Wow. All right. There it is. Two scissors in a row for John, and he won.

Do you want to describe it? We're describing it. John has delicate, handsome hands. They're beautiful hands. Oh, they're very nice. Yeah. I have the hands of a younger, more athletic man. Well kept.

Well groomed. It's a good hand. These could be swimmer's hands. Absolutely. All you do, you're either in a pool or just lotioning them up. That's it. That's your whole life. Yeah, just keeping them nice and moist.

Not a hangnail in sight. You look like a three to four times a week manicure minimum. But that's just natural. That's just the natural. I'm going to go third. All right. There it is. You're going third.

Jared, where would you like to go first to second? Well, seeing as how we're drafting from all humans, real and fictional in history, I better go first so my picks don't get taken. That's right. We are drafting, by the way, from picking our cabinets from all of humanity. Yes. When we started talking, the idea of fictional people got brought up and i said listen why not yeah right why not maybe they weren't born in the u.s and they can't be president we'll have that discussion later i think we'll be able to decide

after we hear each of our picks uh who's going to have the most effective administration absolutely i mean you're gonna have to justify it yeah and we're gonna have to find out all right fantastic jared logan you have the first pick in the presidential cabinet version of all fantasy everything you are now on the clock there's no clock can i pick any of the positions or you can go you can pick any of the petition any of the positions all right i i am afraid uh she's gonna get taken so for secretary of state yes i choose yes shakira shakira the pop singer why did you choose a colombian pop singer uh born in colombia born in colombia of lebanese descent okay shakira speaks english portuguese and italian yeah and has sold over 60 million albums worldwide so you should point out for your listeners that he is wearing a Shakira t-shirt.

He is in full Shakira regalia. That makes sense. I was going to ask about it. It felt rude, but now I get it. You totally get it. You're just a huge Shakira fan. You were singing Shakira at work all day today. That's right.

Yeah. Yes. I just feel like she sold 60 million albums worldwide. This is my deep research. One time I heard some kind of NPR thing about people in Iran and countries that are very much somewhat against the West or don't really relate to the West still love Shakira's music. Really? Or maybe it was North Korea does versions of her songs that are legal in their country. She could go anywhere

and people would just be like shakira and then she'll have like some kind of like smarty farty kind of like i know how trade laws work guy like right behind her telling her what to say right but i can think of no better way to bring together the nations of the earth under the American banner than using Shakira's hit song, Try Everything, from the Disney film Zootopia. Now, that was actually a song about racial profiling, if I remember. Racial unprofiling. That's her angle on it. Obviously.

Are you worried that if she's in a high-stakes situation with, you know, a high-stakes diplomatic situation. A Bengh-stakes diplomatic situation. A Benghazi, if you will. A Benghazi, if you will. Shakira knows she has to lie, but her hips can't. That's true. That's so interesting. That's an interesting problem.

The political game of chess gets a little – Her hips can't lie, and that's a job that requires occasional – can her hips bend the truth? Yeah. Can her hips avoid some truth some of the time? Can her hips diplomatically avoid a few truths can that happen it's not ruled out by the lyric it's not the lyrics don't state it can they uh live via leaving things out i have a mission i think when you watch shakira's hips move uh even if you may disagree with what they're revealing yeah you can't help but dance along with

them that's true she's she's South American, but of Lebanese descent. Yes. So she has a foothold in the Middle East. She's technically kind of British in a way. She ties together every nation of the earth in one individual. How is she technically British? Whenever, wherever, Shakira is you. You are Shakira.

So you've set the tone of this immediately by picking Shakira to be the Secretary of State. Some of my picks will seem better qualified. Okay. How is that possible? How could there be? But I think when you look at American foreign policy, you'll realize that there's a lot of things Shakira, even Shakira might have handled better. In this issue. That was trenchant.

I am a political genius. Let's put Shakira in Henry Kissinger's role during Vietnam. Do you think it ends better? I do. Yeah. I do. Absolutely. Knowing very little about Vietnam or Kissinger, I just feel like Shakira would have gotten us out earlier.

She definitely would have she would have done a big concert the north vietnamese and the americans and everybody would have come together and they would have listened and they would have been like what are we doing yeah what are we doing here and just by sheer odds she probably would be less okay with war crimes yeah yeah just just based on how far kissinger is on the okay with war crimes spectrum. I'm going to go ahead and – I don't know this for certain, but I think she's anti-war crimes. I think I've heard her – like she might have said something about that. I mean we'll look – We'll have to ask her and then look at how her hips move. We'll look at her.

All right, Jared. That's the first pick of the first round of the presidential cabinet all fantasy everything. Beat that. Shakira as secretary of state. That's right. The top diplomat of our country. Shakira. Not even born here. Is she an American citizen?

No, I don't think so. Can you be secretary of state if you're not? 100%. You know who wasn't born here? Kissinger? Madeleine Albright. Oh, Madeleine Albright. Maybe not Kissinger too. Yeah. You just don't get in the line of secession. Yeah. You know?'t get in the line of succession. Yeah. You know? So you just got to sit it out.

So that's just a promotion for whoever's after that. You'd almost want a foreign-born Secretary of State because that way they're not engineering your assassination and sort of a key for Sutherland. Yeah. You know, designated survivor sort of thing. That's another point. On the Shakira board. Good. Yeah.

Shakira, if you're assassinated, she doesn't take over for you. So you know she's not behind it. Because we don't want a Shakira You can If you're assassinated, she doesn't take over So you know she's not behind it Because we don't want a Shakira presidency No, no, no, that's too much power And we cut into her singing time, which I assume she's still doing in this scenario This is her primary Means of diplomacy Christina Aguilera

Killed in a drone strike President Shakira That's too much power Yeah, That's too much power on her hands. She would send a national guard to the VMAs to get her back in there. I have the second pick of the first round. And with the second pick of the first round, I'm going to pick my vice president. And I'm going to pick former president Bill Clinton and have him be my vice president. Only because I think all of the things we love about Joe Biden, if you put Bill Clinton in that role, would be even slightly better.

I want to see Bill Clinton eating ice cream. I want to see him snuggling with biker chicks. I want to see all of these things. I think if you took him out of the pressure of being president, he'd just be a lot more fun. It's just his job to be fun, have a good time, and cheer up whoever's president. That's it. That's not all of the vice president's job.

I think that's all they do, right? I think you are right that he would be, if he didn't have all the eyes on him like you're president, you'd have to be, like he would be a lot more fun. Bill would be a lot more fun. Yeah, I assume you want 1990s Bill. Or even 1980s Bill. Holy crap. Holy shit, that guy was a wild man.

I think I want 1991 campaign trail Arsenio Hall. Yeah, that's what you want. Playing the saxophone. Playing the saxophone. Talking about boxer briefs. There's going to be a lot more boxer briefs. There's going to be a lot more boxer briefs. There's going to be a lot more saxophone

when he's vice president. Going into the McDonald's, eating the McDonald's. Didn't he do that? Right. Yeah, jogging through the drive-thru. And this is like

full fat Bill Clinton too. I don't want the skinny, vegan Bill Clinton that we have right now. Even though he's wonderful, I'm glad he's on the planet. I don't want him in my administration.

Yeah. And if he wants to have sex with some people, I'm fine with that too. I'm completely fine with that. He's going to have to take it up with his wife. But in the vice presidential role, I'm fine with that kind of scandal in my administration. I think we're due for a vice presidential sex scandal.

And I think it would jazz up the vice presidential position a little more, make it more interesting for people. Make it a little sexier. Make it a little more fun and sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Joe Biden's been an amazing – that was the logic i followed is i really i've loved joe biden's vice presidency i just want to see it stepped up i want to see it taken to its logical extreme biden squared yeah i want biden squared can you be uh i know that's in your time travel wonky scenario this doesn't apply but can you be the vice president after you've been the president?

So I think this is like an open question. I think scholars debate this very question. Really? I do. I do. It's been talked about. You would just – Yeah, we – and I thought of like a scholarly shit thing.

Yeah. Hell yeah. I told you we were smart. Because the job of the vice president is to be able to take over as president. Right. Right. Right. But the Constitution says you can't be elected president twice. But he won't have been elected president twice. He would have fallen.

Something like that. I may be getting this wrong. He might have successioned into it. I don't know. This does feel like a time travel thing. Yeah. Like if the president died and the vice president had already been president for eight years and then he became the president.

And Shakira is secretary of state. Who's going? Who's going's going who's gonna fall into what's gonna happen he's going further down the ladder it ends up being the agriculture guy yeah a little show called isn't that show coming to cbs designated survivor on cbs yeah keifer sutherland is like the secretary of agriculture and everyone else gets wiped out this is real this is a real show starring your boy son of donald keifer sutherland dude keifer picks all the best shows all the right roles he did on fox where he had a magically autistic child oh that's right he did use the numbers to predict the future did you see that it was short lived was that just the plot of mercury rising it probably was the plot of that too for a while there were like 22 things that

had magical autistic children in them yeah yeah everyone got very numbered it was like let's take the fun number thing about the da vinci code and completely ruin it yeah yeah ruin the da vinci perfect work of art i watched it the other night i did i put it on i was stoned and granted this this informs this conversation i was stoned put on the da v informs this conversation. I was stoned, put on the Da Vinci Code, 15 minutes into it, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I couldn't even enjoy it on that level. His hair really takes me out of it. 15 minutes of giggling about his hair and then you're out. He has Nicolas Cage hair in that movie.

It literally looks like they took Nicolas Cage hair and grafted it onto his body. The main role, Tom Hanks, second. Second listing, Nicolas Cage's hair. It's awful. Second on the call sheet. Second on the call sheet, yeah. And then Millie on Coutillard. No, that's not the one. No, no.

It was Audrey Toutou. Oh, yeah. Audrey Toutou. Amelie. Amelie. Which is, remember that Lil Wayne song, Amelie? You know that, Amelie, Amelie, Amelie. Maybe you don't.

Maybe our listeners do. And of course I remember that Lil Wayne song, Amelie? You know that Amelie, Amelie, Amelie. Maybe you don't. Maybe our listeners do. And of course I remember that Lil Wayne song. Very into Lil Wayne. A fun thing to do if you want to interact with that song in a different way is pretend he's saying Amelie. Like he's a big fan of the movie Amelie. He loves whimsy. Yeah. A little of his favorite thing, he drinks a bunch of promethazine syrup and then can't wait to get about two to two and a half hours of whimsy into his life.

Yeah. Anyway, that's just a fun thing I do to make my life a little bit better. I'm taking Bill Clinton as vice president, and I'm pretty happy with that. I like him. I mean, on all the logical things, I think he's a smart guy. I think he knows, you know, he can be a close confidant for my eventual president. But then more than anything, I just wanted to be a fun party guy. I would like him in a Hawaiian shirt three days a week.

All right. Now we're just changing the rules of how the government's run. I mean, I can't say that that has to happen, but I feel that my prediction is that by year two, we're seeing three days a week minimum of Hawaiian shirts. Who's going to say no to him? Who's going to say boo? Yeah. Nobody. Who's going to say a goddamn thing to Bill Clinton and his Tommy Bahama shirt collection?

These aren't Hawaiian ones, by the way. Very lame Hawaiian shirt, Tommy Bahama brand. All right. That's my pick and my scree against Tommy Bahama for some reason. John, you have the final pick of the first round. So I'm also going to name my vice president. It's funny that you should mention the works of Tom Hanks because I'm thinking

what do you want in a vice president? What do you want? You want someone who's incredibly talented in their own right. Someone who could take over the show if need be. Someone who isn't afraid to take a backseat. Who knows their role. who isn't afraid to take a back seat who knows their role

okay who who uh isn't threatened by other success you want rita wilson rita wilson wow tom hanks is kind of vice president in that marriage a little bit the vice president of hanks of hanks you want rita wilson every single day of the week in that job. All right? That's an amazing pick. I thought you were about to go with Tom Hanks. Well, no. The way you would set that up. She is just an actress and not even an extremely well-known one. Yeah.

Well, she sings, too. Rita Wilson also sings. And how dare you? Okay. How dare you? I'm going to compare my Secretary of State and international superstar to Rita Wilson. I'm sorry. Listen, listen, if album sales dictated political success, well, some other people would have had a lot of success.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not good at roasting. Too nice for me. Well, dude, we weren't even going to call you out on that. We were just going to go, good point. Well made. We are all, I think, a little too nice to roast too hard. Yeah.

I don't roast at all. I suck at roasting. Rita Wilson's an interesting pick. Rita Wilson, one heartbeat away from the presidency in this scenario. I'm just saying, you don't want Tom Hanks in that job. Tom Hanks upstages every single person on screen with him. Plus, then you take him out of the, he's not doing movies. I want you to think about the job of president.

I want you to think about whoever is in that role. Yeah. You don't want Tom Hanks' charismatic, leading man guy behind you. Yeah. You want Rita Wilson, a great supporting actress who livens up every single movie she's in without stealing the spotlight. Tom Hanks. Because you don't care about that. Tom Hanks would upstage your president.

He would just show up and be like larry crown on deck yeah like in the movie larry crown right all right that's his well look we all know the line yeah yeah his most famous movie larry crown i have to i have to raise it there's a there's a possible controversy controversy here having rita wilson as your vice president she colin hanks the kid we all know and love yeah he's amazing we amazing. We love Colin Hanks. Favorite actor. I'm going to call it favorite actor, Colin Hanks. Probably the best actor ever. They have that other kid, Chet Hayes. I just don't know

about checking the Wikipedia mid-draft. I'm not checking Wikipedia. Chet Hayes is off the top. Chet Hayes is also their child? Chet Hayes. Why isn't his name Hanks? His last name is Hanks, but he's a rapper. And he goes by the name Chet Hayes, and he's not a good rapper. And he used the N-word in a song and didn't understand why that was not an okay thing for him to do. Close personal friend.

I'm stepping out of it. I'm sorry. You're close. Jon can't comment on the Chet Hayes controversial. I mean, come on. Even Tom and Rita won't claim him. Yeah. They made him change his last name to Hayes.

As vice president, Rita would just have to have Chet Hayes assassinated. What is your favorite Rita Wilson role or movie? I'm going to do my best to name all of my favorites. They include Sleepless in Seattle. Yes. Go ahead. That's a real good one. I loved her in...

It feels like she was in Forget Paris, but that's probably wrong. Was she not in Forget Paris and You've Got Mail? She was in... I'm looking it up right now. Now you're glad I'm on her Wikipedia. She was in... Let's see here. She started in a TV show called Spin Out.

In which she crushed it. And then she was in The Brady Bunch. Crushed it. Cheech and Chong's next movie. She started in a TV show called Spin Out. In which she crushed it. And then she was in The Brady Bunch. Crushed it. Cheech and Chong's next movie. Fine. Nice. This must be a liberal administration. Great.

Bosom Buddies, which must be where she met your boy Tom Hanks. So we know how she feels about transgender roles. And she loves it. Yeah. She thinks it's hilarious. Sash, Freeze Company, Volunteers, 227. She was in 1989's Teen Witch as dancer. She was in the Bonfire of the Vanities, Tales from the Crypt, Sleepless in Seattle, Mixed Nuts, Now and Then, a classic.

You've just locked up the female vote of anyone under, I'm going to say 40, with a Now and Then appearance. Jingle All the Way, of course. I loved her in Jingle All the Way. and then appearance. Jingle All the Way, of course, I loved her in Jingle All the Way. She was good in Jingle All the Way. I'm just saying, these are movies that are successful in all four of the quadrants,

all right, as her vice presidency would surely be. She brings a lot to the ticket. She takes certain swing states and she just moves them into the solid red territory. She's a right-wing Republican in my telling.

Oh, no. No, no, no. Just in my – Well, she was in the movie Old Dogs. So I think she might actually be able to get you some of those red states. Dude, I saw Old Dogs in my red state with my red state family. Now, Old Dogs is like – It's not Wild Hogs, but it's like Wild Hogs.

What was the one about old astronauts? It's not. I would have thought it was. That's Space Cowboys. That's Space Cowboys. But this is like Space It's not Wild Hogs, but it's like Wild Hogs. What was the one about old astronauts? It's not. I thought it was. That's Space Cowboys. That's Space Cowboys. But this is like Space Cowboys on the ground. That's what Old Dogs is. Well, there's no...

I'm thinking of Wild Hogs. There's no astronauting at all. It's just about two old guys, Robin Williams, may he rest in peace, and John Travolta. May he soon die. May he die and burn in hell. Wait, wasn't Travolta also in Wild Hearts? Yes, he was. He's the connective threat.

And Old Dogs. And Tim Allen's in Wild Hearts. I don't know if you saw it, but it was one of those movies that they didn't finish, but then just put it in the movie theaters anyway. Like, it's, like, not finished. Like, it's like you're like, wow, you guys didn't even do the Dolby or whatever on this. And yet they were like, here you go. the Dolby or whatever on this. And yet they were like,

here you go. They're all looking out into a vista and there's just a big blue wall that says Vista TK. I mean, it's literally that bad. I will say she was in a movie called Zootopia, playing the character of Arlene Lipschitz, which

may isolate the alt-right. If you didn't need him in the first place. We don't need him anymore. All right, fantastic. Shakira sang a song on that, too. In Jewtopia. In Jewtopia? Yeah, she does all the Topia movies.

She's got herself a nice little corner cordoned off. All right, fantastic. So you pick as your vice president Rita Wilson, the consummate right-hand man or woman. She's a great supporting actress actress great supporting person in life fortunately you also have the first pick of the second round and i'm excited to see where you go with this okay let's do white house chief

of staff okay great now let's think about this job for a second yeah we got to think about what the job is all right here's what you're doing all right you're dealing with a lot of a lot of dumpster fires yeah okay you're doing a lot of messes okay you need to be on top of a lot of stuff you need to be ocd okay but who are you gonna want all right you want someone who's gonna be able to deal with a lot of messes and who's ocd yeah you want mark summers from double there oh my god nice good i see what you did there. I see it. Yeah. You see it? Deals with a lot of messes.

Yeah. He deals with his whole life. I just want to make sure I got it right. Hold on. Another good choice would be a fireman to put out fires. A fireman who has to go home because he thinks he left the dishwasher on. Yeah. Yeah.

Mark Summers. Mark Summers. I like it. He's affable as hell too right he's charming he's so nice he's picking up the phone he's calling up congressman he's he's he's charming the pants over them he's getting the votes then he's vacuuming the carpet yeah and he's you know he famously vacuumed him he would vacuum the carpet and then have to step out of the room you can't see it but I'm doing that motion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And until the room was perfectly carpeted, perfectly vacuumed.

Really? And then he'd have to do it again. Are you not worried that his OCD might plague him to the point where he can no longer perform the duties of the job? So here's the thing. I'm pretty confident that Vice President Rita Wilson knows how to handle Mark when he gets into that place. Great.

Yeah. And so she's a shoulder for him. She definitely is a shoulder to cry on type. Yeah. You know what, Mark? You lean on me. Country leans on you. Wow.

I'm worried about something, though. I feel like you're, you know, because the chief of staff is sort of in charge of the staff and sort of hiring the whole staff. You're going to have just like a lot of kids in jumpsuits running around and going, go, go, go, come on!

You got to get the flag! You know what? Big improvement on some of those jokers in Washington. That's the kind of trenchant commentary we're going for. Some of these clowns over there in the beltway. I thought kids in

jumpsuits are who were running it already. He's so – I'm excited. Now, this – People with alien bugs in their brain. You haven't picked – none of us, in fact, have picked a president yet, which is amazing. But it's going to be interesting because, I mean, the chief of staff, that's like a close confidant of the president for the most part. Absolutely. So I'm excited to see.

I wonder if your president is going to be a gigantic nose filled with balloons and one ribbon no no it's a it's a kiddie pool filled with snot oh fantastic i look mark somers has stayed working because he's now he's out what is that show he has on like the food network or travel channel where he like takes you unwrapped where he takes you behind food shows yeah he does food shows now i love a food show and he has like crippling ocd right that's that's you are at the sum total of my knowledge this man yeah maybe not crippling well i'll tell you some other things about him because i pulled up his wikipedia too he's from indianapolis and that's all i'll say he's from indianapolis got it yeah kids, married to the same person since 1974. Family man.

Oh, I like that. Family man. Isn't that nice? Family man. True love. Mark Summers. He's handsome, too. I'd love to see him dress up a little bit more.

Yeah. You know, we haven't seen him in a suit really since Double Day. You don't really see the chief of staff, though, on camera a lot, right? Is that true? I guess that's true. That seems like a button-up, no tie kind of person. Yeah. You know what, though?

We'll use him however we want. We can send him out there. Yeah. Charismatic. He's got the skills. Make the case. You know, he and Rita getting hit in the talk show circuit Sunday morning, sitting across from Chuck Todd.

The media are asking him questions. He's asking them questions. Yeah. Like, which of these presidents is not on Mount Rushmore? You know? Putting Chuck Todd's feet to the fire. Yeah. I've come to really like the Mark Summers pick as well.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think it all depends on the chemistry with the president, but we'll see. We'll see what you have up your sleeve. We will. And it is now my turn to make my second pick, the second pick of the second round. I'm going to do it. to make my second pick, the second pick of the second round.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to try to steer this thing back out of this world of fantasy that we've built for ourselves. I'm picking my president, and I'm going to make it the Theodore Roosevelt Jr., Teddy Roosevelt, and I have reasons for that. He had asthma. I had asthma as a kid. Makes them relatable. We like that.

He founded the Bull Moose Party. And if you just got an invitation, said you're invited to the Bull Moose Party, you're fucking going to that party. I think I'd vote that party if that was a choice. If the Bull Moose Party was still around. Not knowing their platform at all. Right. It feels right. Absolutely.

If right now you made up a name and said he was running on the Bull Moose line, he would do well. I think he would. If Gary Johnson picked up the banner of the Bull Moose party, that's, I think, 5% more. That's 5% John of the Bulls. That's the spot of the debate stage. I just love the fucking name. That party, every part of it sounds dope.

They'd have a bull head or a moose head on the wall. They'd have a hat on, you know? Yeah, it's like a lodge. I'm a simple man. Yeah. Like an Elks Lodge thing. An Elks Lodge, big steins of beer. He was a charismatic dude.

He was a progressive, but I think he was also a rough rider. He was in the military. He was an outdoorsman. So I think he appeals to every part of the country. Conservationist? He was a big-time conservationist. National parksist national parks yeah and kill a fair number of elephants he did kill a lot of elephants yeah but we had more elephants back then nobody's perfect we didn't know well he wanted to conserve so there are more animals for him to kill yeah well he had to raise the issue

he was like eventually these elephants are going to die let's get to the point where they're endangered faster you know so he killed more of them. He was just a trust buster too. Like right now, you know, he'd be going after these big banks, you know, after the companies that are too big to fail. Wasn't he shot one time and he survived? Or am I coming up with some bullshit? I think he was shot and finished the speech he was giving while there was a bullet in him.

That feels true. That definitely happened to somebody. And let's just say it was Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, yeah. That's right. I just think he's head on Mount Rushmore, by the way, Mark Summers. Could pull off a mustache.

And he could pull off a mustache. Here's the one drawback, and I'm going to now criticize my own president. I'm not a huge fan of the circle glasses. Yeah, the John Lennons. I don't love the John Lennon look. Yeah, right. I think 2016 we put them in maybe more of a

square frame or even contact lenses. I like being in a... Set your sights higher. Let's get Teddy Roosevelt some LASIK. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Of course. We're putting him under... He would love that. Yeah. Which would make my vice president, Bill Clinton, would briefly be president.

Let that Jewish man fire that laser beam in my face. Yeah. And he would say that because he doesn't know any better. He doesn't know any better. We'd give him a little media training. He would put his foot in his mouth quite a bit. And I think he also was like made football safe. So there's another thing.

He did. Let's say he did. I think he did. I see one way of him being very effective when you bring up the Mount Rushmore thing. If someone's in an argument with him, him being like, can I ask you a question? Which of our heads is on the side of a mountain in South Dakota? Right. Was that me or you?

I forget. I'm honestly forgetting. If it's you, I'll shut up. Yeah. And then even in debates, just holding up a picture of Mount Rushmore for his answer. Like, come on. I'm on Mount Rushmore. And then the other guy.

Hard to argue with that. In this alternate reality, is he not on there? Let's say that's the case in this alternate reality. So it's a demolition man thing. It's a demolition man. Or Schwarzenegger is on the mountain. Who's up there instead? It's Schwarzenegger.

Yeah. Well, in that case, he's still effective. I think he's still effective. I don't know why I'm trying to talk you guys out of my pit. We've seen him do the job. We've seen him do the job. After his presidency, he didn't stick around and do charitable works. No, he went on a safari in Africa, and then he went on a two-year expedition in the Amazon where he almost died.

And I think his son did. And we also know that he can help solve mysteries if you read the Caleb Carr novel, The Alienist. Absolutely. We were all thinking that. Which Teddy Roosevelt, while he was like the head of the chief of police of New York City, helps psychologists solve a mystery in turn of the century New York. This is some fun historical fiction. Yeah. You guys have all read the book.

Yeah, yeah. It's canon. Absolutely. Hugh, does he say bully? Teddy Roosevelt canon. Does he say bully a lot in it? Yeah. He goes, bully.

I found a clue. Bully. Bully. Bully. Bully. I mean, glasses mustache. We haven't had a glasses mustache president since Teddy Roosevelt. Oh, we don't know we haven't had a mustache in hell. When was the last mustache president?

What a question. Huh? Listeners? Think about now. Tweet in with your answers and the person who's right will get a headGum jukebox. It's a full-working jukebox. With $16,000. It's $16,000.

You have to pay shipping and tax on it. But it is only Shakira songs. Yeah. That's all that's on the – 60 million albums, guys. Honestly, though, you give somebody a jukebox with only Shakira songs, they don't know it only has Shakira songs on it. Because they're like, I'm not going to not pick Shakira.

They're like, look, there's a Spanish version of this song too. It's like having two songs. There's that song she did with Sting that they're probably

going to listen to, which I assume exists. I'm not sure. Damn, you guys are really loving my pick. I bet she's done a song with Sting.

It is getting the most chatter. In fact, I don't even remember what we were talking about. Oh, mustaches. We haven't had a – like I would have loved Obama to bust out a mustache at some point. Yeah, that would have been cool. Maybe that's a lame duck thing. That's a last two weeks thing. That's a good idea.

Just like a nice thin – like a nice thin mustache. It feels like nobody who holds political office really goes in for facial hair anymore. Not in the last 50 years, it feels like. They used to be able to show up with just a crazy beard. Yeah. In fact, it was better. I got a crazy beard going. I am president.

Just rocking a Ulysses S. Grant look. Just thick. Keeping a pen in there when you need it. Handlebar mustaches. What are those things called? I want to say lamb chops. Mutton chops. Mutton chops. Mutton chops. Mutton chops.

Mutton chops. Oh, we had some great fucking, it was a Chet Arthur. Didn't he have some mutton chops on him? For sure. Yeah. I mean, let's say he did. No, I think you're right. I think he did, right?

Garfield. Garfield. Or Cleveland. One of them had, I think they both had mustaches. If Trump's whole make America great again thing was just in regards to politicians having massive facial hair, I'd have his back i mean dead serious if somebody was was uh qualified had done all the other work and then also popped a mustache right now and ran i feel like it could be a real big thing for them that's something the republicans didn't do in the primaries there's 12

of them did do did ben carson have facial hair? Ben Carson does. Yeah, he does. He has like a goatee. He does. But if he would have got – he had that the whole time and it was kind of whack. But if one of them would have just middle of the primary, mustache all of a sudden. Boom. He's a Tom Selleck.

Oh, my god. Burt Reynolds style, bushy 80s mustache. That stupid Bernie bird that landed on the podium was a huge thing. Yeah. Do you know how many signs with mustaches on them there'd be everywhere? It'd be huge and just Kasich walks out rocking like a thick, just a thick one.

Just a big old beard. Hey guys, I'm back. Johnny K. Why don't you like me? I'm the only one who can win. Circle sunglasses on. If you people liked me, we'd be made in the shade oh my god all right well i mean until until then we still have to continue on with this draft and jared you're up you have your second pick all right pick of the

second round oh boy i don't know where to go you previously picked shakira i i did secretary of state shakira uh i guess I'll go... Fuck. You went President. I'll go President. Yeah. I want the Lakota warrior Crazy Horse to be the President of the United States. Uh-huh. Sure. The famous winner of the Battle of Little Bighorn.

I feel like it's time for a true Native American President. Yeah. There's not going to be any birth certificate controversy with Crazy Horse. No, I think it's very clear where he's president. Yeah. There's not going to be any birth certificate controversy with Crazy Horse. No, I think it's very clear where he's from. Yeah. And I'd really like someone in charge who, you know, your president is a symbol, right? Yeah. And here's the thing.

Liberals really love American Indian people because they're like, well, you know, they have white guilt in there. There's no stronger guilt tonic than that one. Yes. But at the same time, conservatives love it too because they somehow forgot that white people wiped out the Native Americans. And they just think it's like cool cowboy shit now. They love the imagery of it. Yeah. They want to wear a bolo tie. That's the West. Those people were noble.

Too bad we had to kill them with smallpox. You know what I mean? So I think conservatives are gonna love him too and now you've got a president who can unite the two parties and you can't assassinate him because when he was a teenager crazy horse went on a vision quest where a water spirit made him immune to bullets is that true according to legend he will have been the only president who went on a vision quest also going i don't know carter disappeared for like six months in 1971 nobody really knows what happened bush went on a lot

bush w went on a lot of vacations he went on a lot of vision quests you don't know he wasn't in a sweat lodge crazy horse man try going into a voting booth yeah and seeing some name and then crazy horse beside that and not punching crazy horse. You know what's a bummer is people have to call him Mr. President instead of crazy horse. Hell no, they wouldn't. President horse. What are you?

President horse. President horse. President horse. President horse. Yeah. Crazy horse meeting with Vladimir Putin is- Calling him crazy horse would then start to become like how they say Barack Hussein Obama. Yeah. President crazy horse would then start to become like how they say Barack Hussein Obama.

Yeah. President crazy horse. He comes with a pre-made Donald Trump defamatory nickname. Right. You can't make it – you can't be a crazy, crazy horse. No, that's my whole – you can't – More like crooked horse. You can't give him a defamatory name. You can't mess – you can't be like you're, but you smell, your name's already Crazy Horse.

I can do nothing with that. He has military experience. He has local government experience. I mean, he's the commander in chief of the armed forces, and I think he knows what he's doing. With very small amounts of men, he was able to beat much larger and better armed forces over and over again. Was he eventually defeated? He eventually surrendered. He surrendered.

And then was, they say, killed during an attempt to escape. However... But not with bullets. No. No. Because he couldn't be killed with bullets. Because he couldn't be killed with bullets. But who surrenders and then attempts to escape?

Right. They think that someone might have been like, fuck this guy and just killed him while he was in prison. Because he was such an American badass. I mean, truly, when someone stands up for their principles the way Crazy Horse did, can he survive for very long? So many Jesuses gone to the cross too soon. And that's the point I wanted to make here today. Are you afraid?

You haven't picked your vice president yet, so we'll see. Are you afraid of assassination attempts on Crazy Horse? Oh, don't worry president yet so we'll see are you afraid of assassination attempts on crazy horse oh don't worry okay we'll see see the thing is crazy horse is very aloof yeah and he's very quiet yeah and he's very noble he wasn't a talkative guy but he's a symbol my president is my symbol i'm going to have a power behind the throne that can handle the less noble side of government muckraker heuckraker. He's a Lakota. That was the Dakotas? They were part of the Sioux. Yeah, and they did live in the Dakotas.

So, I mean, that doesn't get you a lot of electoral votes. I'm just learning so much. I didn't know how much I was going to learn. This is fun, right? I'm an idiot, but you two guys. I owe a lot of my knowledge to another podcast, History on Fire by Daniele Bolelli. That's really the guy's fucking name, Daniele Bolelli.

There's a lot of podcasts with names that say, we know it's history, but it's cool. On fire. Hardcore history. Which people say is good, but it's many hours long. Yeah, so is History on Fire by Daniele Bolelli. Is he an Italian guy? You said two different names.

Daniele Bolelli. Okay, okay. Andiele bolelli okay okay and yes he is an italian guy with a very strong italian accent and he tells you long history stories but he has it an italian accent you should make sure people understand that that you didn't add a microphone no that was this is still me jared logan doing an accent that's jared logan and he'll be like crazy horse at this point was a very sad and it tells you the whole story it's amazing and i just listened to the whole story on history on fire by the way daniele bolelli is also a martial artist i just want to get that in there because it helps attacking his studio it helps him tell the stories okay

and uh yeah i just listened to the whole story of crazy horse and i was like president of the united states right fucking there. Well, big up to Daniele Bolelli and the Crazy Horse. You now have your president. Yeah. And you also have the next pick, the first pick. Oh, lovely. Of the third round.

Well, let's go vice president now, motherfucker. Oh, God. Sorry, I'm getting all fired up. Calm down, Jared. Your history is not the only thing I'm fired up. I need someone who can go out among the people. Because Crazy Horse is going to have a little problem with that. He's a noble warrior. He does not speak English.

He's almost supernatural, Crazy Horse. He's the thing you want to be, not the thing you are. I need a man of the people. But I also need someone who's good at backroom dealings to do the less noble side of government. That's why for vice president, I nominate the Kingfish Huey P. Long. I'm going to imagine right off the bat,

most people don't know who Huey Long is. Huey Long? I didn't know I had to get a different education before I came here. No, you just had to get a different education before I came here. No, you just had to read Wikipedia for about 40 minutes. The Kingfish Huey Long. The Kingfish Huey P. Long.

He was a governor of Louisiana. He was a senator from Louisiana. He was eventually assassinated because he was a real asshole politically. Famously corrupt. Famously corrupt. But I need someone who can do that and as a super corrupt guy he also fits with my politics he's ridiculously he's like he's like he's liberal donald trump is exactly what he is yeah he's a liberal version of donald trump i think i've heard that all right that's what he. I mean, he was like, break up the banks, share the wealth, share the wealth. And he got all these like very poor, like destitute people to be like, fuck yeah, dude, let's fucking rock.

But then at the same time, while he was like behind these very socialist Bernie Sanders type politics, he was also doing things like creating a company to buy up government land to sell the mineral rights and getting all these kickbacks. And he also was like, anytime there was a local government that didn't like him, he would just write new laws that he could appoint everybody in that government and everything. And that's actually how he got shot. Wow. He was going to get this judge out of his judge's seat, and the judge's son shot him in 1935. No kidding. But I think that if someone tries to shoot Huey this time, Crazy Horse can just jump in front of him. Right, because he's immune to bullets.

He's immune to bullets. He's got that power. Yeah. You really thought it through. And how fun is it to have a vice president who kind of talks like a Cajun? I like that a lot. I don't know that he did. I don't know that he did. I don't know that he did.

He had to have. He's from Louisiana. His name's Huey Long the Kingfish. He better. What a nickname. Yeah. The Kingfish. It's going to be hard to do better as far as nicknames go.

The Kingfish. Kingfish and Crazy Horse. That's a ticket. Kingfish and Crazy Horse? Kingfish and Crazy Horse. Jesus fucking Christ. That's a ticket? That's a Burt Reynolds movie?

That's as good as Tippecanoe and Tyler, too. It's as good. And that's all we remember about Tippecanoe and Tyler. I don't even remember. That's literally it. That's it. John Tyler? Zachary Tyler?

Zachary Taylor? Zachary Taylor Thomas. Zachary Taylor Thomas. It was JT. Which brings me to my pick. Just how great would it be if the vice vice president every time he laughed he was like oh he had a motto every man a king every man a king every man a king he also said something interesting where he said when you see fascism in america it will look like anti-fascism and uh

there was a uh a guy named uh sinclair who said uh yeah when you see fascism fascism in america it'll come draped in the flag and carrying the cross which is what we always see when people when fascists come through they're like yay christians yay america number one yay so he knew he knew he was a smart guy the kingfish said that the kingfish said a version and then this playwright said another version that's actually way more eloquent upton sinclair i think it's upton sinclair i think fuck i i'm a comedian i don't have to technically know that 100 truly here just reading reading from huey doesn't he does he does not if anyone thinks that he had to know it he did not you don't don't have to know it. And he doesn't.

I'm only presenting it as knowledge that I've researched. On his Wikipedia, it says, under Long's leadership, hospitals and educational institutions were expanded. A system of charity hospitals was set up that provided health care for the poor. Massive highway construction and free bridges brought into rural isolation. And free textbooks were provided for school children. How's that sound, America? I don't know that we really want to be selling so hard on racist Democratic machine politicians from another time. We all love Huey Long.

It does mention that, too. John, that's a fair point. It does mention that. Deeply racist. Yes. A deeply racist man. I forgot to read that part. He didn't expand that part of the entry. Well, we got Crazy Horse there.

Crazy Horse will check him on that. He couldn't have been. Shakira's not going to allow that shit to go on. Don't worry. She's there. Crazy Horse is there. They're going to rein him in on that. It is ironic that by far the most diverse ticket so far has just added Huey Long.

Team of rivals, Iany Long. Team of Rivals, Ian. Absolutely. Team of Rivals, my friend. That's a book that was written that I didn't read. Doris Kearns Goodwin. Yes. Probably by that person. I feel like his Wikipedia was definitely written by someone who kind of wanted to leave

the racism in the shade. Because it doesn't... They bury the lead on that. He's got a great PR team. He doesn't agree still, and they remain. No, it's Woody Allen's guy. It's that guy who made a documentary about Woody Allen that just really glossed

over literally everything bad about him. All right, you had Huey Long as your vice president. I'm regretting it now, but yes, he's there. He's on the board. He's on the board. I apologize. It's all right.

It brings the draft back to me. I get to make my third pick now. I already have Bill Clinton as my vice president, Teddy Roosevelt as my president president, and I'm now going to pick my secretary of state. And I'm going to kind of roll around in the mud with you guys. My Secretary of State is going to be Meryl Streep. Nice.

Yeah. That just makes sense in real life. Just because say something bad about Meryl Streep. Nobody can do it. Nobody can do it. Some of her latter films have been kind of. Meryl got to eat too. I just want to say that right now.

Meryl got to eat. She's been. to say that right now. Meryl gotta eat. She's been... The other reason, as Secretary of State, you're the country's top diplomat. You need to have a little bit of experience, you know, being in other countries. And she has plenty of experience.

The film Mamma Mia took place in Greece. So she has experience in Greece. She's played the Queen of England. She's played the Queen of England. And she's also played the Iron Lady. She's been the Iron Lady, yeah. She's played two of the England. She's played the Queen of England. And she's also played the Iron Lady. She's been the Iron Lady. Yeah. Exactly.

She's played two of the greatest women in recent British history. Yeah. So you know what? I'm missing a beat. Our relationship with England is going to be stronger than it's ever been. Yeah. Probably since we were – Because they love it when Americans play them.

They do. They're huge fans of it. She showed strong leadership ability in The Devil Wears Prada and also a soft side, you know what I mean? That we got to see, but that she didn't broadcast outward. And I like that. I like that she's a human, but with a tough exterior. Yeah, and she's just... I mean, send

Meryl Streep into a room and she'll charm anyone. Can I say something now? Please. Being a little critical. Go on. I feel like every time the press asks her a question, she gonna go it's complicated because of her movie i think it'd be charming in my heart if she did that that would be very charming it would be and then and then you know what she says what'd she say after that let me tell you what she says after that when she's presented with a hard decision, she says, that's a real Sophie's choice. And she knows.

And she knows. So she's used to making hard choices. And then. Yeah. What else did she say? Keep us going for an hour. Let me tell you what she says next. When someone asks, like, how are we going to do this?

It's such a big change for the country. She's going to say, it just requires a little adaptation. A little adaptation. Yeah little adaptation, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure. You guys get it? If someone comes to her and they're like, the economy's in trouble, what are you going to do? She'll just be like,

Florence Foster Jenkins. Which means fake it till you make it, baby. Absolutely. Watch the movie, get the theme. And if they ask any follow-up questions, she make it, baby. Absolutely. Watch the movie. Get the theme. And if they ask any follow-up questions, she can say, the ant bully, which she was a voice on. Nice. Yeah. Coming in 2017.

No, the ant bully. That came out. That was like 2006. Oh, really? That's when they were making all those cartoons about ants. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because there was an ant race.

Yeah. Because one studio was like, they have an animated movie about ants. Where's yeah. Because there was an ant race. Because one studio was like, they have an animated movie about ants? Where's ours? We're going to lose. Yeah, it was ants. Yeah. A bug's life.

A bug's life. A little bit later, the ant bully. And then a little bit later, the ant bully. The ant bully. The ant bully. That came and went fast. We were living truly in the golden age of animated ant movies. Truly, truly.

I think Meryl Streep, the only bummer thing is now she's not making as many movies because she's a secretary of state. But I think that's fine. I think she does this job. Maybe she's not a four-year secretary of state. And honestly, you know, they can figure out her schedule. She can put something else in second position. Absolutely. The whole shooting schedule worked out.

Yeah, she just does that during, you know, in between things. I just think you send her into any negotiation, she's going to get something for us out of it. I mean, defending your life, her role in that, I can't think of a more likable character I've ever seen. Yeah. And she's got that and she's got the Devil Wears Prada, Meryl, too. So she can play hard. She can go in. She's got a – she can have a severe face if she needs to.

She's angular. She's beautiful but in a scary way. And you guys, when she goes to a funeral for a world leader, a female world leader, and she's speaking, she can say to compliment her, whoever this may be, she can say she's done so much in her life that in a way death becomes her yeah that's good yeah you guys see what i did yeah right i just gotta make sure people are seeing what i'm doing and when she bites into a steak at a steak dinner she can say prime um and then the name of a movie and then And then, guys, and then if she's asked like, do you think America is going to lose this trade deal? She can say, you know what? I have some doubt. Doubt.

From the movie Doubt. Yeah. I think we should just hope that she's not the 2004 remake of The Manchurian Candidate. Was she in that? She was in that. She has a great speech in that where she says, she puts her fist up and she goes, in the desert, in the dark. I like that. That's very cool.

I don't know what the rest of it is or what it was about. Out of context it works. Yeah. All right. So Meryl Streep is my Secretary of State. I got Teddy Roosevelt, Bill Clinton, Meryl Streep. Having just said those last two names in a row, I'm beginning to think maybe that was a mistake to put them in the same

room together that often. You know, those two. Although maybe we'll see. Maybe Meryl Streep can rebuff those advances. She's certainly been charmed by some of the most charming men in Hollywood. Hopefully she's able to withstand Slick Willie. She can hold her own. That's my administration so far.

John, it is now time for your third pick, the final pick of the third round. So, we've got a great chief of staff in television sensation, Mark Summers. We have a vice president that's a leader and a shoulder to cry on, Rita Wilson. That's a lot of soft. That's a leader and a shoulder to cry on rita wilson um that's a lot of salt that's a lot of lovable but i think we need a president with some hard edge but someone who's been in the shit yeah uh who knows how to win a battle who knows what it feels like to lose a battle who's made mistakes and come back stronger give it to us uh i think we need anakin skywalker after he's killed the emperor oh my god oh. Are you taking me into the prequel Star Wars films, you piece of shit? After he's killed the Emperor.

Oh, so this is Darth Vader. Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize. The word Anakin is a trigger for sharing. I'm being very clear about something here because in my mind, all right, and look, you seem like you're invested. Well, a little. Here's what I think.

I'm saying I'm not picking Darth Vader, all right? I feel like that's edgy, you know, to say I want Darth Vader to be president, you know, whatever. I'm saying that after he tosses the Emperor down the garbage chute, he's Anakin again. But he's an Anakin that's led his whole life. He's got that big egg head. Yeah. All right. He's in trouble. We get him up on his feet.

We get him out of the Death Star in 10 seconds before it blows up. Your president is dying. Well, here's the thing. First of all, listen, we're all dying. I have questions about his health. I think he's actively dying. Does he have Trump's doctor? Honestly, first of all, Rita Wilson gets all the briefings.

Okay. That's an important thing. We have a chain of – it's an institution. Okay. We get him up on his feet. dying does he have trump's doctor first of all rita wilson gets all the briefings okay that's an important thing we have a chain of it's not it's an institution okay uh we get him up on his feet worst case by the way he goes ghost i mean he reappears oh yeah oh jedi ghost and now we've got a jedi ghost president what are the rules what does the constitution say about jedi ghosts there it's fine it's fine i checked before i. It's fine. You can't find it. I promise you, it's a long document. Yeah.

I didn't read all the amendments. Maybe there's something in there. But there's not a word about it, about Jedi ghosts. And I think it's fine. It's a little problematic. And then you have to be strong in the force to see them or hear them. I think Louis Brandeis ruled on that, right? He said that it was okay.

Yeah, that famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was okay to have. That's right. It was okay to have. That's right. It was. A Jedi ghost president. I like this.

He's scandal proof because if you're like, you slept with a woman, he's like, I was fucking Vader. Yeah. That was Vader. You guys all know that. Darth Vader. We love a redemption story in this country. Yeah. He's an underdog.

Yeah. Okay. He's made mistakes. He's a veteran. He is a veteran. He is a veteran. He's a veteran of several wars. Which is great. I mean, He's a veteran. He is a veteran. He is a veteran. He's a veteran of several wars. Which is great.

I mean, Teddy's a veteran. I guess Crazy Horse is a veteran, too. Oh, big time, baby. But he also, yeah. Now, it's also true, though, that Crazy Horse fought against America. And Darth Vader never did. Did he? Darth Vader never did.

Or was he the realer America? I think his vice president would agree with me. Team of rivals. Yeah. Yeah, I think. And look, honestly, there's going to be a lot of hard questions during the campaign about Alderaan. But I think we just get him some talking points. What would it be – I mean as someone who is – I mean you've written speeches for Obama and Hillary.

What is it – what would you try – what angle would you be looking for in Anakin's first speech? Like reintroducing him as a political candidate. What are you looking for in that speech? I think he would say it's time to restore law and order to the galaxy, which includes the United States. our law and order to the galaxy, which includes the United States. I think we've had enough of these rebel terrorists and

their money is worth nothing. They make terrible deals. We're going to make big, beautiful deals. We're going to build a big, beautiful Death Star. And honestly, we're going to make the rebels pay for it. We're going to build a big, beautiful Death Star and we are going to make that rebel scum pay for it. And when I'm leading this empire, we're going to win so much our head will spin.

The rebels come over here. A lot of them are smugglers. Some of them are wookies. Princess Leia is not sending her best people. She's sending the weird ones from the cantina. Some of them are wookies. Princess Leia is not sending her best people. No. All right? She's sending the weird ones from the cantina. She's sending the dolls they sold from the third movie.

That's who she's sending. She's not sending the best ones. No. You take a really corny picture of Anakin drinking the blue milk, you know, from tattooing. Yeah, just like, ah, with a thumbs up. Excellent. Strong pick. Anakin Skywalker is sort of a Donald Trump-like figure, but you think he'll do better in the role of president. He was repentant.

Look, he made mistakes. We all make mistakes. I do worry that he's, from when you picked him, he is actively dying. I mean, he's dead soon after. It's very unclear why he's dying at all. He took his special helmet off. Let's put that helmet right back on that head. Now he's Vader again. He's Vader.

No, no, no, no. He's been through a lot. He knows what's up now. Let's get him a new helmet. Let's get him a new, like a white, soft helmet. Oh, yeah! Red, white, and blue with a picture of him on the front. Yeah.

No cape. I think a cape sends the wrong message. Cape is about evil. Yeah, cape is Dracula-like. I think we want something that people can relate to. I think like a little, you know, a J. Crew button-down. Nice. A pair of khakis.

Over the armor. Roll up the bottom of the sleeves a little. Get him in a pair of, you know, vans or something. Yeah, oh, that's supposed to be his hip. This is a hip Anakin Skywalker. He keeps the helmet on. Helmet, that, get one of those backpacks. Those Herschel backpacks.

So in your mind, Anakin Skywalker. Now I think he's ineluctable based on fashion. Anakin Skywalker is kind of like a combination of Donald Trump and a hipster. Not even a hipster, like a hip mall kid. I don't know. He's a Kia Sorento. You've made a strong case, but this is just a slightly better pick than Jar Jar Binks at this point. You've taken the Anakin pick and made it more ridiculous through your reinvention of him almost.

I think I took it down. You know what? I said yes and and I think I took it down. You know what? I said yes and and I regret it. You did. You went way too grandlings on it. Should have said no but. Yeah. There's some no buts in here.

But, I mean, you presented an interesting version of Anakin Skywalker to the people. Now we have to – I mean we're going to have to find out if the people want to vote for him. I'm curious to get to know that guy. I want to get to know him too. I'm at least intrigued. He's definitely going to win my primary. I'm curious to get to know that guy. I want to get to know him, too.

I'm at least intrigued. He's definitely going to win my primary. Whether he wins the presidency is going to depend on your fourth pick, which you get to make right now. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Fourth pick. You have Rita Wilson, vice president.

Anakin Skywalker, president. Mark Summers, chief of staff. So we need a secretary of defense. We need a secretary of defense, secretary of state. Oh, we need a secretary of state or a secretary of defense. So we need a Secretary of Defense. Secretary of Defense, Secretary of State. Oh, we need a Secretary of State or a Secretary of Defense. Alright, you want somebody in that Secretary of Defense role. Okay, here's what you want. Alright.

You want somebody who's confident. Alright. Who doesn't give a shit. Alright. Who you're a little bit afraid of. Okay. Maybe Lucille Bluth. Wow.

We're staying in the fictional world and you bring in Lucille Bluth. Yeah, why not? From Arrested Development. She has a little bit of an alcohol problem. She's definitely a drunk. As have several of our greatest secretaries. Do you know what Abraham Lincoln once said about Ulysses S. Grant? when someone said, you know, Ulysses S. Grant is a drunk? Yeah.

He said, send my other generals whatever he's drinking. Oh. Huh? That's a little history. I'll have what she said. I like that. That is almost what I think the story is. Yeah.

I think I got that almost right. Yeah. No, that sounds right. Well, this is a fact check. PolitiFact checks this podcast. Secretary of Defense Lucille Bluth. She's definitely defensive. She is defensive.

That's right. She's very thin. She is very thin. Good point. Which is something I think we've gotten away from a little too much with our secretary's defense recently uh uh i like her style uh i think that she um uh her racism uh which is on display often in the show yeah uh we could maybe turn it into an asset how would you how would you go about turning that into an asset? Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know how that's going to work. She's – I think that – well, I guess I just mean that she's not going to be cowed in any negotiation. That's true. Other countries will know that she's perhaps a little racist and it would be faster to act in retaliation. Yeah, I just think people would be scared that she doesn't care who lives or dies. She, other than the president, other than your president,

who I have to remind you is former Darth Vader. At death's door. So the people in charge of launching America's nukes right now are Anakin Skywalker and Lucille Bluth. I'm just saying, who is going to be,

like, people will be fucking terrified. Knowing that, people will be terrified.. Knowing that people will be terrified. People, even because even in North Korea, especially people in the United States, even in North Korea, they,

they at least know who Darth Vader is. I'm assuming she's not going to, she's not going to do anything to the Korean peninsula. She has Anyang. Oh, that's true. Anyang. Oh,

wow. So she doesn't have an inroad. She, and so, and by the way, dealing with North Korea is going to be one of the most important and difficult challenges the next administration will confront. Having a member of her family who knows that world is invaluable.

I think so. Not to mention, she's going to be stealing things. And Michael's going to have to come in and clean it. That's two for the price of one. Yeah. Oh, you get Michael? Well, he's always kind of sort of comes with yeah it's true it's true yeah that's another person with military experience right yeah yeah oh no no not michael that's uh buster had military experience right they're a military family they know what the sacrifice is all about not only that they're a purple heart. They know what the sacrifice is all about. Not only that, he's a...

They're a Purple Heart family, right? Yeah, I mean, he was injured. Yeah. He lost his hand. So, uh... Tensions... I'm going to admit something now. Yeah, go on.

This was my worst pick. Well, you know what? It's... It's almost like you came up with it off the top of your head. It's almost like you weren't prepared... Wait, what? ...to pick a secretary of defense. How dare you?

How dare you suggest that I didn't pour over my choices for hours? I saw you had a whiteboard. You had a white, yeah. I had a beautiful mind style whiteboard. Well, look, no administration is perfect. You always use Lucille Bluth.

Also, by the way, you need someone to be gaffe-prone and make mistakes to draw the evil eye. That's true. Away from the fact that I picked a dying Sith Lord. A dying Sith. Of the United States. Yeah, you need an administration where he's not the fucker. Yeah. Well, you have the perfect person to draw that attention away.

administration where he's not the fucker. Well, you have the perfect person to draw that attention away. In the fourth round, it's time for me to make my fourth pick, the second pick of the fourth round. And I already have a president, a vice president, and a secretary of state. I think I am now going to pick

my chief of staff. And my chief of staff, I'm going with Gina Davis. The actress. The with Gina Davis. The actress. The actress, Gina Davis. So you have a very Hollywood-centric administration. It is a very Hollywood-centric administration. We're deep in 90s Hollywood with all of these administrations.

Let me explain. Not mine. Let me explain Gina Davis. First of all, Meryl Streep is timeless. But let me explain Gina Davis really quick. Gina Davis is a member of Mensa. She's a member of Mensa that's the top 2% of

people of intelligence, I think, in the world, right? Top 2% of people who really want people to think they're smart. Which I'll take. I'll take Gina Davis. She's going for it. I'm waiting for you to mention the one fact that I know. She's a world-class archer. There it is.

Well, I mean, archery is such a big part of White House Chief of Staff. It's mostly archery. It's mostly hunting game in the old way. The job is mostly target archery. I mean, my president's good at archery.

I feel very badly that I'm the only one without a world-renowned archery. I feel very badly that I'm the only one without a world-renowned archer. You still have one pick, and I think you've got to go with Robin Hood. Poor William Tell. She's really good at archery, so people are going to be a little bit afraid

of her. If she's got to be the iron fist in that White House every now and then, she's capable of it. She'll just walk around with a quiver. Nice. She won't have the bow on her, but people will see the arrows. They're like, all right, let's not fuck with President Teddy Roosevelt today.

They're going to be able to bond on target shooting, which I don't know, but I assume is something Teddy Roosevelt would have been into. She's smart. She's cool. She was in a league of their own. People are going to love her. People love that movie. She played a president. She played a president. She played a president.

So she gets it. Yeah, she crushed it on that show. She was really good at what was that? Madam. Commander in Chief. Commander in Chief. Yeah. Pre-Madam Secretary.

Pre-Madam. Long before that. Really set the table for Madam Secretary and all of its success, which might be on the CBS network. It is. So big up to that show. Yeah. Gina Davis. She's got to be the president's confidant and a little bit of a taskmaster.

And I think she'd be amazing at both of those things. And she's available, I think. And she's beautiful. And she's gorgeous. Which never hurts in a political realm at all. I'm sending her out there, too. Yeah. So that's my pick for chief of staff, Gina Davis.

Okay. I think it's an unassailable pick. Okay. I think it's an unassailable pick. I'd like to see... It's assailable.

I'd like to see one person assail it. The floor is open. I think it's a great pick. See? She has no political experience at all.

That's all right. She's never... Has she ever run an organization? She was pretty pivotal to the baseball team on League of Their Own. I mean, her most famous

role other than a League of Her Own is dying and then bringing Beetlejuice to life. Yeah, Beetlejuice. Yeah, she was definitely Beetlejuice. I feel like you're going to get a lot of questions from the press about Cutthroat Island and what went on there. But I don't think people blame her for that.

No, you're right. Yeah, it wasn't her fault that Cutthroat Island happened. Cutthroat Island should have worked. That's what they say now. They say it should have worked. It was really Frank Langella's fault. Yeah, that was a Langella bomb. And Gina Davis just happened to be within the blast radius.

She was off to the ride. Her and Rennie Harlan. Why do you know so much about Cutthroat Island, Jared? I know so much about everything. Okay, I'll accept that as an answer. She was also on the TV series Fantasy Island. So, a lot going for Gina Davis. That is my

Chief of Staff. Jared, you have the final pick of the fourth round. Final pick, fourth round. I'm going to go with my Chief of staff, former president, already been mentioned here today. Wait. Mentioned, but not chosen. But not chosen. Zachary Taylor.

Really? The ninth president of the United States. Zachary Taylor. And here's why. I hope we get a fact about him. I have a funny story about him. We were at the Rainbow Room one night. He and I were out with the pussy posse.

No. He, I just think he didn't get enough of a chance to really show what he could do. Yeah, because he died. He's one of the few presidents who died. Yeah. And do you know how he died? I have idea well he wasn't assassinated he went to a street fair for the opening of the washington monument on july 4th one year he ate some bad fruit or bad milk he got really bad diarrhea and cream right and he died of diarrhea, a lot of people think that maybe he was poisoned.

Okay. So in the year 1990, I think, they dug up his fucking corpse. They did a radioactive test on him, on his bones, to see if there was poisoning possible. Yes. After digging up the man's corpse former president of the united states they were like no it was diarrhea it was diarrhea we were we shouldn't have dug him up it was he just shit himself we were right he shit himself to death and i picked him for a couple reasons one i don't really know a lot about what a white house chief of staff does great uh-huh two i had a funny story about him

that's enough and three how funny would it be yeah if you're in the big meeting you got shakira there you got crazy whores you've got intractable racist huey p long right and all of a sudden ah taylor shit his pants again everyone knows who it was yeah that would be funny actually now that i've said it out loud it wasn't as funny as i thought it would be here's the thing here's the thing also he's very um i can imagine once he comes back he's very aware of the fact that people know how he died yeah and he's like is this a big deal no one even thinks about it yeah no one's no one's not a big deal no one one's bringing it up. And then everybody making the noise and the whole thing.

Yeah. It'd be like a bowl of cherries on the table and be like, anybody want some? Not you, Zachary. Yeah. You'll die of something we can prevent now. You'll shit yourself to death. Well, he was an abolitionist, so he'll be really anti-slavery. And Huey P. Long. Yeah. Team of

rivals. It is a team of rivals you can explain away i just love the idea that at your cabinet meeting shakira and president zachary taylor taylor taylor taylor are teaming up with crazy horse yes to prevent yet another racist gambit to make money for himself by one Huey P. Long. I know. They're all checking and balancing each other. That is the foundation of our political system. Do you think Crazy Horse will be able to get over the fact that Zachary Taylor was heavily involved in the Black Hawk War? The Second Seminole War?

That sounds bad. The Battle of Lake Okeechobee? This is from a time when they called them. Oh, you mean all those time that he killed American Indians? Yeah. It's funny, too, because that's from the era when they called them battles and wars, no matter who died. Or just a lot of mowing down and people making a fire. They wouldn't call things massacres that were massacres yet.

People making a fire. They wouldn't call things massacres that were massacres yet. Well, look, if we can forgive Anakin, I think that Crazy Horse can forgive Zachary. Anakin did blow up an entire planet. Look, a rebel stronghold. Yeah. Sometimes our frenemies get things out of us that our friends couldn't. Coming soon to FX, a comedy you've been waiting for huey p long and crazy horse uh do you know what uh zachary taylor's nickname was and i think this helps i think this

helps you out of course i do it was old pudding head no it was the first part was right old rough and ready old rough and ready holy shit and ready because you know what i bet he liked it raw unfortunately he earned it during the second Seminole war Crazy Horses Lakota He hates Seminoles He'd probably steal a bunch of horses From the Seminoles And then he'd be like now I am a shirt wearer

Because I have stolen horses from the Seminoles Fantastic When are we starting you think The podcast Any minute now Any minute now you that's your fourth pick that's my fourth pick you you are now on the clock your final pick it's time for you to round out your administration okay um well you know this one was hard too i don't know a lot about the secretary of defense or what that that uh but I read up on it a little bit.

And I went with... Well, I went with Ash Carter. Ash Carter. The actual Secretary of Defense. The actual Secretary of Defense. Our president. Is your mind fucking blown? So you cast your eyes across all of human history. And fictional history.

And you said, I need to find the best human being ever to be Secretary of Defense. And you went through the whole run of human events. That's right. And you said, you know what? We got the perfect guy on the job right now. If it ain't broke. They nailed it. If it ain't broke.

If it ain't broke. Don't fix it. All right. Tell us one thing about Ash Carter. I am excited to. Here's the main reason. I have the main reason I chose him right here, and it's fairly early on in the Wikipedia article. Yeah.

He was a double major in physics and medieval history. Oh. Summa cum laude from Yale. Right up your alley. Physics and medieval history, and now he's the head of our military that is that is pretty inspired and i want to say one thing about the combination of physics and medieval history because he did he did go on to become go to the oxford and he wrote on theoretical physics so he knows a lot about science So here's what I want to say about physics in medieval history. Okay.

Quantum catapult. That's what... That's America's new super weapon. That's all I can say right now? A lot of it is... That's all. I can't reveal everything about the quantum catapult. It's mostly classified. It kind of speaks for itself, though, at the same time. I think... I think

anybody that's threatening to attack the united states should very carefully think about those two words i think we should very carefully think about what happens when the iranians get a quantum catapult because it's gonna happen the technology will leak out is that a box you want to open um i feel like you know the iranians are years years away from the quantum catapult and you think a system of mutually assured destruction will hold up in that case look man how are they do you know how to build a quantum catapult no i don't but i don't know how to build a nuke either but other people figured it out okay well if you don't know it the iranians don't that feels like a sound argument does he and carmel know no then we're safe then we're good

he did he have military experience this is very interesting it's interesting he was uh in the clinton administration he kind of knew something about the russians so he was kind of um in charge of that kind of stuff yeah during the clinton administration as the assistant secretary of defense so he has been been an academic almost his whole career. He is completely academic in his secretary of defenseness, which is interesting because that usually goes to a military man, right? Well, it's – I think they've served or not served. I mean it's supposed to be a civilian. Yeah.

You want somebody who's not like – Leon Panetta was secretary of defense and he came from the CIA. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. And those guys have a great track record of things going just really stellar. We only hear about their failures. That's true. I used to be in the government.

That's right. You're good at that. You had that ready to go. Have you met Ash Carter, John? I think I have. You know, he became Secretary of Defense after I left. Right. So I don't know if I met him because I only remember people if they're very important.

You had. No, I just don't. I don't think I know him. I don't think I met him. He's got a great smile. He's a bit of a war hawk, but I think you want a little bit of that in your Secretary of Defense. So Robert Gates was the Secretary of Defense when you were there? Gates and Panetta, right?

When did Panetta become Secretary of Defense? Panetta was... Gates was there when I was there. 2011 through 2013. Panetta moved over either right when I was leaving or before I left. But yeah, Gates was there for the first three years. What was their countenance like? Were they calm, serious people?

What did they seem like? Leon Panetta in his official picture has a pretty fun smile. I danced with Leon Panetta at a wedding. You danced with Leon Panetta? Not one-on-one. Not one-on-one. It was a horror. You were doing the horror with Leon Panetta?

Yeah. That's fun. That's amazing. Yeah. I would love to. What other luminaries were in that horror? This sounds like an important horror? This sounds like an important horror This sounds like the best horror ever

You were a talking head on that show On VH1 right? Yeah best horror ever A lot of people were in that horror Huey P. Long Huey P. Long was in the horror He would never have done that He would not have done that

You don't have to disclose I'm sure not have done that. You would not have done that. You don't have to disclose. I'm sure there's some people who you can't say who were in that horror. Listen, it was a very... Most of the list of the horror was classified. It was a bohemian grove of a Jewish... A bohemian grove horror. ...Celebric dance. Okay, so you picked Ash Carter.

Ash Carter, Secretary of Defense. So you decided to go out with a sizzle and not a bang by picking the actual, the sitting Secretary of Defense. Man, I should have saved Crazy Horse. Our like fourth or fifth Secretary of the Obama Administration, right? At least the third. Quantum catapult. There's so many. Say no more.

Because there was also, there was a bunch, a lot of Secretary of Defense. Quantum. Secretaries of Defense, not Secretary of Defense. That's right. That's right. Secretaries of Defense, not Secretaries of Defense. That's right. Secretaries of Defense. Like passers-by. I like that. So you're asking for the people to think of your choice more as the quantum catapult than of Ash Carter himself.

Do you want to be caught without a quantum catapult? I don't. Honestly, if the good guys don't have a quantum catapult, only the bad guys will have a quantum catapult. That's right. And we can divide everybody on Earth into good guys and bad guys, and that's a good choice. Got a little moral relativism coming from this side of the couch. Karl Marx over here. I don't even know what that applies to.

I don't know. After this, we're going to draft moral absolutes. So that's fun. Oh, good. Terrific. It's time for me to make my final pick, my fifth pick, the second pick of the fifth round. I need a secretary of defense as well. And I'm also going to go with an actual political figure, someone who's still alive.

In fact, my secretary of Defense is going to be former President Jimmy Carter. He has two reasons. He has military experience, 10 years in the Navy. Second reason, chill as fuck. Just a super chill guy. Yeah. He's 90 and his brain tumor's in remission.

So we're going with the one right now. It's comeback season. No, no, no. I was in present day, Jimmy Carter. Not right now. It's comeback season. No, no, no, no, no. I was in present day Jimmy Carter. Not right now. He's great. Wonderful, too. Shaking hands on planes. Man of the people.

I'm going to go with, let's say, right out of the presidency, 1981 Jimmy Carter. Learned all those lessons. Learned from his failures. But still a very chill, decent person. Still has military experience under his belt. Yeah. his failures, but still a very chill, decent person. Still has military experience under his belt. If there's one person who I want talking Theodore Roosevelt out of nuking people

for not being manly enough, it's Jimmy Carter. Teddy Roosevelt, he's going to have just a hair trigger. That's an itchy new finger. He's going to hate Carter. That's fine. They're not going to be friends. They're going to learn to respect each other is what's going to happen. There's going to be a little of friends. They're going to learn to respect each other is what's going to happen.

There's going to be a little of a, they're going to learn from each other. Teddy Roosevelt's going to have Jimmy Carter boxing. You know, that's going to be a fun thing. And Jimmy Carter's going to have Teddy Roosevelt up there building homes for the poor. Using wood stolen from the land that Teddy Roosevelt promised to protect. They might not get along, but I think that's who I want in there. Sometimes, you know, two people, you think they're not going to become friends,

they become best friends. Yeah, it's true. They become best friends. Like Zachary Taylor and Crazy Horse. Nobody thought it would happen. They had more in common than they thought. And at one point, basically, they both realize they're aiming

their various weapons at the same wild boar. What? Did you shoot it or did I shoot it? Yeah. Basically, they both realize they're aiming their various weapons at the same wild boar. What? Oh, did you shoot it or did I shoot it? Yeah. Cut to them just making out. Oh, that's a perfect meet-cute for those two. Yeah.

So that's my final pick. Jimmy Carter. President Jimmy Carter. Pretty unpopular president. Not a great president, but I don't need him to do that much. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. He's pretty far down the ladder. I have three presidents in my administration

and two Oscar nominees. I don't know if Gina Davis is the nominee. You went with a clear two-prong strategy here. I have a two-prong strategy. Former presidents and Hollywood's most beloved leading ladies. So that's my final pick, John. It's your turn.

You're going to wrap everything up. Complete your administration. So we need a secretary of the state. Yes. All right. We need somebody who's beloved around the world. Yes. Okay.

Who can take a ton of the foreign policy issues off the plate of the president. Yes. Who, I'd remind you, is a dying lunatic. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just a dying religious you, is a dying lunatic. Yeah. Just a dying religious fanatic. Magical lunatic. Genocidal maniac. Well, former.

Regret. Right. Filled with regret. Yeah. Fashionable, though. Fashionable. Yeah, that little backpack. Yeah.

Can't forget that I sort of took him down that road. I think you want Barack Obama obama all right obama i think that's the level of i think we need someone to balance out the militarism uh and alcoholism of lucille bluth yep uh someone who is neat and tidy so as not to exacerbate chief of staff mark summers yes uh disorder absolutely um by the way bar Barack, you're going to have to put the cigarettes away. Or did he a couple years ago? I think he's fine. He'll go to the Nicorette. The Nicorette will get him over the hump.

He's on that Marc Maron trip. It's hard to imagine two more affable people than Rita Wilson and Barack Obama. That's true. Tell me something. There's a third seat at that brunch table. You're not taking it? That's true. Tell me, tell me something. Tell me something. There's a third seat at that brunch table. You're not taking it?

That might be the, that's a coveted brunch seat. You're taking that. I mean, I want, I want a treat. You're, you're laughing the whole time.

You're, you're learning. Yeah. And you're, and, and they're not even, you know, what's great about going to brunch with Rita Wilson and Barack Obama,

they're talking a lot. They're telling a lot of stories, but you don't feel like they're talking at you. Yeah. Yeah. You're included. It's like're telling a lot of stories, but you don't feel like they're talking at you. Yeah, you're included. It's like when you go to brunch with Crazy Horse and Teddy Roosevelt, you feel like they're basically letting you

talk as a courtesy and they're not really listening. Well, Crazy Horse is not talking. He's just staring at you with animosity. Even on my own, Gina Davis would probably be condescending I bet she's a little bit condescending anybody that's joining Mensa anyone in Mensa

yeah they can knock it off yeah Rita Wilson Barack Obama out of all of our and if that's one of the rubrics you want to use to judge these

pick two from our administration to go to brunch with them it's hard to beat Barack and Rita Wilson I don't think you want to go to brunch with anybody from my administration not

not even Ash Carter for it don't think you want to go to brunch with anybody from my administration. Not even Ash Carter. No, I think you'd have a nice little meal. It'd be fine. It wouldn't be Rita Wilson and Barack Obama. It depends. If Shakira, if she's one of those pop stars who's very particular diet-wise because you know her body is her job.

You'd be eating just the thing you peel off the corn. And she's not ordering off the menu. No. She's like, do you guys do scrambles here? What's a scramble? You have to apologize later to the waiter. I just want to point out that I flipped the accents.

You did? I thought yours sounded exactly like Shakira. I liked it. No, but he made Shakira sound exactly like John Lovitz. Scramble. Scramble. I do a scramble? I do scramble? It's hard to beat Barack Obama.

Do you have any fun, do you have like a fun anecdote for the people about Barack Obama? Any fun stories that captures the soul of our commander-in-chief? I can tell one joke story. Tell one fun little story, please. So, the president was speaking at a fundraiser

hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. Of course. In the theater where they were doing the Broadway run of Sister Act. Okay. And he didn't need a speech or anything because he was just speaking to his – basically, you would go in, you would pay your big number to go watch Sister Act and then see the president. Yeah. Right?

And he said, I just need a little joke to something. And I said – and this is terrible. All right, everybody? It's terrible. Terrible. I said, now that you've seen Sister Act, here's a little bit of my brother act. You said that to the president of the United States? Right to his face.

Holy shit. And he looked at me and he just goes, no. No. holy shit and he looked at me and he just goes no and then uh and then uh and then he looked at his watch and he's like all right this sort of dismissal in his eye just says i gotta i'm gonna go eat dinner and then i gotta do this thing you gotta come up with something better. Yeah. So now I have a clock and I've got basically like 45 minutes to come up with a better joke. And I'm pacing and I'm thinking, everybody's making fun of me because it's a ridiculous thing. Yeah. And finally I have it.

I think I have it. He's about to go up. So I kind of, he comes out. He's standing backstage about to go out. And I gave him this joke. And the joke was, it was great to see sister act it's not only a great musical but i'm doing research on where i'll send sasha and malia after high school all right yeah it's like a b plus i think maybe a minus depends on the delivery

depends on the delivery yeah and he looked at me laughed and he gave me a little fist bump there you go i felt very good you got a terrorist fist bump terrorist fist bump there you go i felt very good you got a terrorist fist bump terrorist fist bump um but that was uh that's just the he's stonewall just the shaking his head and saying no that's amazing that was a tough no how can you be afraid of anything ever again in the rest of your life yeah after you've bombed i'm just a joke in front of the president you can yeah it's a yeah it's a funny thing. Look, I wrote serious speeches. I'm a very serious person. Sure. But I wrote jokes.

Only a serious person would draft my jokes. And the number of times I've had to test out material on the president. Oh, my God. And you know what it's like. You guys know what it's like to write a monologue. These are monologue jokes. Yes.

Right. You got to try them out. You got to try them in front of a crowd. And they don't all fly. Barack has a very specific sense of humor,'m sure yeah 100 yeah like everyone does here's what he really really quick let's uh let's wrap up our picks really quick and then i want to open one question on that barack obama thread but first jared uh you're president of the United States, Crazy Horse Vice President The Kingfish, Huey P. Long

Again, just, Huey P. Long is not here That's what it sounded like That was Jared, sorry I changed the accent too White House Chief of Staff Death by Diarrhea Zachary Taylor Secretary of State

60 million albums sold, Shakira. Amazing. And Secretary of Defense, the current one, Ash Carter. All right. John. I want second. I had Teddy Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, as my president. Bill Clinton running around eating ice cream, harassing people as my vice president.

Meryl Streep, secretary of state. Gina Davis as my chief of staff. And then my secretary of defense was someone I'm – this is a bad sign. I'm blanking on who my secretary of defense was, right? Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter. Peanut farmer, nutter butter motherfucker. Yeah, Nutter Butter, Motherfucker.

Yeah, that's something we say at work. It's a fun inside joke. You Jimmy Carter, Nutter Butter, Peanut Farmer, Motherfucker. I love room jokes. Say it like this. Jimmy Carter, Nutter Butter, Peanut Farmer, Motherfucker. You Jimmy Carter, Nutter Butter, Peanut Farmer, Motherfucker.

It's a fun thing. I would love to see Samuel L. Jackson say it to someone. Sure. So that's to see Samuel L. Jackson say it to someone. Sure. Yeah. So that's my... Samuel L. Jackson in that shark movie is a good pick for something. Oh, yeah. In Deep Blue Sea?

Deep Blue Sea. Deep Blue Sea. Yeah. Killer sharks. Brilliant sharks. All right. He's the head of my interior. Yeah.

I got him at FEMA. You got him at FEMA. John, your administration? President of the United States. Yes. Dying, repentant Sith Lord, Anakin Skywalker. Beautiful. Vice President Rita Wilson.

Even better. Chief of Staff, Mark Summers. Secretary of Defense, Lucille Bluth. Hand on the button. Seems safe. I mean, in the chain of command. Yeah. And, of course, Secretary of State rounding out this killer squad.

One Barack Obama. Barack Obama looking at the administration like it just pitched him that brother joke. Yeah. Now, this is a fantasy draft. I'm offering one reprieve to here. You don't have to take it, but this is the waiver wire round where if you want, if you want, you can drop one person you picked and

replace them, but you can only do it once. And if somebody is dropped, somebody else can pick them up. John, you went third, so you have the first pick on the waiver wire. Do I replace them? You replace them. Right on the fly. You do. You can drop somebody and replace them with anyone.

Dropping Lucille Bluth. Bluth is out. Replacing with Michael Keaton's Bruce Wayne. Oh, nice. And that just makes sense. I don't even need to explain it. No, you don't have to explain it. You don't have to explain it.

Michael Keaton, yeah, absolutely. Big on defense, but also a tender heart. A little quirky. A little quirky. A little quirky. He's got a little quirk to it. He's fun. And the man can keep a goddamn secret. He can.

Oh, he certainly can. Yep, yep, for sure. I am actually going to stand pat. I'm not going to drop anyone from my administration. I'm not going to add anyone. I'm pretty happy with the people I have. The only thing I would consider is possibly replacing my Secretary of Defense, Jimmy Carter, with Maya Angelou. But I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to. I'm sticking with what I have. Jared, you're up. I can't lose anybody. I love every pick. I am going to need to talk to Huey about some of his views. Yeah. In light of everything, you're keeping Huey long.

God damn it it you can't you know what fuck it you're out huey huey's out now huey long's a free agent yeah now who am i bringing in who am i bringing in the son of god himself jesus christ jesus of nazareth jesus Famous rabble rouser of the Jerusalem area. That guy had a good touch with the people. But at the same time, he had a lot of political ideas. He fought a corrupt government. Yeah, I mean, other than his... And he wasn't super traditional in his religious views.

I'm going to go with Jesus Christ. You're not afraid that his relationship with a prostitute is going to cause some concern? That's a bug that's actually a feature. Yes, there was a prostitute, and yes, I have made her legit now.

Perfect. And what job was that? What was Huey P. Long in? He was vice president. Man, it is very, very tough to be president when your vice president is Jesus. That is tough. Crazy Horse doesn't believe in him. It's fine. That's tough.

Crazy Horse. But I had to think on the fly, and the first person that came to mind was, of course, Jesus. Jesus Christ, the first person you think of in any situation. Well, there's a big cross in here. Yeah, gigantic. It's head gum. We have a massive crucifix on the wall so crazy horse is getting assassinated 100 but those are our administrations could i could i trouble you for even three minutes more of your time of course i have a fun question and i think you guys what do you think barack obama's gonna do after the presidency. Just quick prediction. Well, during the presidency, he's editing Wired magazine.

So you think he's going to go more in that direction? Tiger Beat? Take over the Tiger Beat editorial draft? He's going to do every magazine. Guest edit. Get an office at Condé Nast and do everything. I'm excited to see. I hope that he... I'm being too serious about this answer,

but I do hope that he's very much out there and visible all the time. Yeah. I don't want him to hide away up in some house. I want him to be out doing fun stuff. You think like a charity work, Bill Clinton, Jimmy, he's going to go like San Simeon on us and just disappear.

Just like just at aviator style. Long beard and fingernails. Builds a giant wooden drone. Yeah. Yeah, I want him hanging. I want him still around. That's great. Do you have any thoughts?

Did he tell you anything? I think we'll read a book. And then I don't know. That's going to be a good book. I think it's hard to imagine he's not a big part of public life how pissed off are you gonna be when the book comes out and it's called brother act that would be you know what i'd like it yeah that's a story huh that's a story i thought he didn't like the joke. Turns out he remembered it hard.

He was saving it. He's like, I'm not wasting that on this fundraiser. It's more of a title. Guys, thank you so much for your time. This has been the Presidential Cabinet Edition of All Fantasy Everything. Once again, thank you to my guests Jared Logan and John Lovett. Look them up online. Buy their shit.

If they have any of it for sale, get one of those $450 single edition 1600 pen DVDs. And thank you for listening. Tune in again next time. Thank you for listening to that politically heated episode of All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. Truly, truly horrific outcomes of each of our drafts. I think every one of those administrations would quickly run this country directly into an open volcano. But, you know, that's why we play, to find out who should or shouldn't be putting together this country. And that was it.

That was this week's episode of All Fantasy Everything. to find out who should or shouldn't be putting together this country. And that was it. That was this week's episode of All Fantasy Everything. Remember to vote on which administration you would most like to see in the White House. Go to at Ian Carmel on Twitter. There will be a Twitter poll pinned to the top of the page. Just go check it out. Place your vote. We'll announce the winner and then do it all again next week.

Thanks for listening to another episode of All Fantasy Everything we will be back next Friday with another brand new episode