All Fantasy Everything - Racehorse Names (w/ Kyle Kinane, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

It was an early recording, but we got it done.   Episode Guest: Kyle Kinane @KyleKinane (IG: @KyleKinane)   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel) Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan) David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87) Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)   Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting us coming up with racehorse names. Our guest today is the comedian and our friend, Kyle Kinane. With me as always, Sean Jordan, David Borey, both comedians. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything,

the podcast that recently discovered that there is, in fact, a South Dakota theme bar in Portland, Oregon. Yeah, man. Buff Black Hills Nachos. That's what they're called? Something like that. Black Hills Nachos. That sounds like not what it is. Black Hills Nachos sounds That's what they're called? Something like that. Black Hills Nachos. That sounds like not what it is. Black Hills Nachos sounds like a meal you buy exclusively at a gas station. It sounds like a rapper that might be gay.

Like that Odd Future crew. Sounds like something your uncle would call a rapper who might be gay. He's one of those Black Hills nachos. You know what I mean? It's one of them nacho girlfriends. You know what I mean? He doesn't like ladies.

He'd just break it all the way down until they're very clear. I don't think he likes girls. They had little tri-tip bites or whatever, tri-tip steak bites, and Zach looks at me and goes, you think this is Chislik? And I was like, I bet. I bet it is.

Was it Chislik? He didn't get it, that chump. Steak nuggets. I mean, you could have got it, right? Yeah. What are you doing here? I got the hot sauce chicken sandwich. Oh, that's right. The new item that's called a hot sauce chicken sandwich. Anyway. Kyle, the area you

live in right now is where my dad moved shortly after the divorce, so I have a lot of strong... Oh, really? I have a lot of strong sense memories. He hates it over there. I don't hate it. I just have very strong memories of sleeping on a leather couch.

That's the worst couch to sleep on. Come visit me and we can get you right back into those memories. I'm definitely getting looked at by the neighbors like, oh, man, somebody hit some hard times. I'm like, no, this is my first house. I'm not supposed to know. No, doing great. I'm actually super happy to be in this neighborhood.

Things are going great. I love that you're firmly putting roots down in Portland now. Oh, so do I, man. I do look like a divorcee. It is a lot of just old Motley Crue being real loud out of the garage. Yeah. Just working on like a e-bike or something. What are you working on in the garage?

Time to start slanging it again now that she's gone. He's got a skateboard back there. I'll tell you that. I saw the board. Yeah, I didn't move. I just moved in the real stuff that looks like I have a son that I lost custody of. That's the only things I've moved in so far. He's coming back.

He lives in Pittsburgh, but this keeps it so he also lives here. So it's cool. I'll get it. I'm going to get him during summers, but he wanted to go to summer camp this summer. So I'll get him spring break. God, I had to spend two weeks with my dad one time who lived in the same town and it was just horrible.

Horrible. He had me for two weeks. I bet this is going to be a really sad story. This is a sad episode. Also, that means the other 50 weeks of the year you avoided your dad who lived in the same town? It was every other weekend. Yeah. I mean, he bailed a lot. So it was mostly him avoiding it.

But yeah, two weeks. This isn't funny. Yeah. I think it's... I can tell where it's going. It's not going to be funny. He took me to a dog fight. There's that time I thought I saw my dad at the grocery store,

but he ducked in the back real quick. Turned out somebody left a leather Notre Dame jacket on a seven-foot-tall pile of Mountain Dews. I spent every other weekend in Kyle's Neck of the Woods for quite a while. How was that? Yeah, man. That's fantastic. It's a lovely little area. You can get up to Multnomah

Village real easy, and that's cute. That's a cute little weekend. Did your divorced dad's, like, well, Sean, I think I know your answer. Ian, was it like fun? Was divorced dad like no well i gotta be the most fun now because i only got you on the weekend it was for a while you know he got like a super nintendo we'd go on little trips and everything like that but eventually you just it

just turns into a lot of you like hanging out over there but because he was a divorced dad you got the premium cable so that's's where I first discovered soft core pornography. Oh, Red Shoe Diaries? Red Shoe Diaries, Emanuel, Queen of the Galaxy. Everything was popping on like Cinemax. What couldn't she do? Everything. She was Marvel before Marvel.

She was doing stuff on Earth. They took her to outer space. The MCU for me is the Emanuel cinematic universe. Yeah. Those movies went from like, oh, this lady's naked. earth they took her to outer space the mcu for me is the emmanuel cinematic universe yeah those movies went from like oh this lady's naked like oh she has to bang the whole belarusian army like yeah this doesn't seem consensual this isn't good i remember i i remember a softcore porn so vividly this particular one where at some point they turned her pubic hair into basically locusts ate off a woman's green pubic hair in a soft core pornography like she was part plant she was like

poisoned ivy from the batman universe and they had locusts eat her pubic hair at some point you don't think you're watching porn upset that we were like let's plot no there was there was some early 80s some it wasn't made for basic cable pornography it was just some weird shit from the 70s that they could edit out there was a um what's uh it was a cinderella except instead of a like a glass slipper she had a... It's so early here, and Rachel's just trying to sleep in the other room. Instead of the mice, it was a bunch of Black Hills nachos. It's Black Hills nachos. That man who spent two weeks with his father is Sean Jordan.

Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean the microphone. Sean the replay. My Comedy Central set came out yesterday. It is on. It's available. It's on all my socials. It's on their socials.

Check that out. Share it if you can. It would mean the world to me. Everybody who listens to this show shares it. It'll go viral and I will cry. If you want to see me work on my hour that I'll be recording for my upcoming album and special, you can come see me August 18th and 19th. I will be at the Comedy Corner Underground in Minneapolis, Minnesota. August 25th, I will be at Boss's Comedy Club in Sioux

Falls, South Dakota. September 6th, I will be at the Capitol Hill Comedy Bar in Seattle, Washington. And then that will culminate in a recording October 29th at Mississippi Studios, Portland, Oregon. I'm thrilled about it. There's a few tickets available for that. I'm going to have other shows here and there. But right now, those are the big road dates. But yeah, so grab tickets for those. I would be super, super happy if you did.

And also smile and love yourself because everybody rules. For God's sake, David Bore is here. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. One hour more awake than the rest of us. So we're killing on him. I'm's sake, David Bore is here. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. One hour more awake than the rest of us. I'm wide awake, man. It doesn't feel like it, bro. I'm doing great. I raced some boats last night

at the lake. I'm feeling good. Your little remote control boats? Oh, yeah. They're regular boats. No, we could start talking about this. You got RC boats. Listen, man. Hold on one second. They're sick, dude. And they're just sitting on his counter we could start talking about this. You got RC boats. Listen, man. Hold on one second. They're sick, dude.

And they're just sitting on his counter, too. Like, on display, it's real dank. Yeah. I'm about that life. Dude, it's amazing. It's like, it's so much fun. You just whip in. And, like, I had a couple kids, but nobody was mad.

Nice. No, can't be mad. It's a toy. They like to see you playing with a toy. They're asking their dads when they can get one. Are you pulling up on other dudes who also have RC boats? No! There's never any. I'm the only guy.

Or me and my friends because I got three. Do you ever want to go on like Reddit and find an RC boating community and see if you can infiltrate it? The little bit that I've dabbled in. No, I don't want to be friends with them. Uh,

it gets too technical. It gets, I went, I had to get some new batteries and I went to the hobby store and the guy straight up son to me. Like I came in like, Oh yeah. I came in like a fucking Rube.

I had him in my pocket and I was like, I need longer battery life out of these boats and the guy was like um actually these are all proprietary connectors i was like oh i've had sex with a woman i'll punch you in the face you're trying to get now if you're trying to get 3s you're gonna need a brushless motor because otherwise the frig the heat's gonna heat up so if you want to get a servo to operate a fan then you can that's how i know this is happening you can bump up to three brush and brushless brush and brushless oh my god the guy was like i mean if you want to get a soldering iron you can get it done but i mean i wouldn't suggest it and i'm like dude i came all the way out here i'm in the fucking suburbs just give me

some goddamn batteries sir you work at a toy store and I'm childless. Just give me the thing to make these run. Yeah, we're both in a place we don't want to be at. Driving these till they sink. Anywhere I'm at. God damn it. Are you in the RC world, Kyle? What's your weapon of choice?

I got cars, man. I got lots of cars. I can tell. It's more fun to break them and fix them because you get to feel like a little mechanic yeah like driving them is pretty fun but then i got one that'll go like 70 miles an hour and just you can fly it off a ramp that fast and it most likely will survive invite me to come play with your cars i'll be up there in like two weeks invite me to come play with you i got nothing to do i want to play with the cars man

I got a house I'm living like Tom Hanks in Big it's just a house full of toys over in South Portland are you gas or electric though electric I don't mess around with the gas though yeah it seems like not the move because of the environment

yeah yeah it's a difficult choice Yeah, it seems like not the move. Because of the environment. Yeah, yeah. Just... Totally. It's a difficult choice. Yeah. You have to take a long look in the mirror. Eco-friendly hobbies. I have to get these dates off or else I can't afford more remote-controlled boats.

Out of bed. That's what this is all for. Gotta keep yourself in boats. I got a bunch of them for you fucking goons Birmingham, Alabama August 30th Asheville, North Carolina, August 31st Philadelphia, September 6th

Chattanooga, Tennessee, September 7th Raleigh, North Carolina, September 10th Austin, Texas, September 12th Denver, September 21st through 23rd for High Plains Indianapolis, Indiana, September 29th, Denver, September 21st through 23rd for High Plains. Indianapolis, Indiana, September 29th. Morgantown, West Virginia,

October 1st. St. Louis, Missouri, October 13th and 14th. New York City, October 21st. Sioux Falls, South Dakota, October 26th. Minneapolis, October 27th and 28th. You can find all of those at bringdavidaplate.com.

Come to the aluminum foil tour. DM me a picture of a plate you made. And if it's something great, I'll pick you to bring it to the show and I'll eat that plate. Not in front of you because, you know, I was raised right. But in my hotel room alone, while I listened to myself on Comedy Central. This is such a flex. Kyle's been there.

You're having a contest to have someone bring you a plate of food that you're going to eat privately later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which means people will lose a contest to bring you food. Somebody's going to come in third and be like, oh, I guess I can't. Yeah, someone's going to plate someone and be like, I don't like that one. I can't cook David dinner. I'm most likely going to eat it the next day in the car on the way to the next gig anyways.

I'll probably refrigerate it. Send those over. Go see those dates. More dates coming. It's going to be great. I would love to see you. My stand-up is 7.5 out of 10. Trying to get that to a 9 by the time this tour is over. You're a funny man. It's definitely going to be great. I would love to see you. My stand-up is 7.5 out of 10. Trying to get that to a 9 by the time this tour is over. You're a funny man.

Definitely going to get there. I feel similar, David. Morgantown is where it's going to happen. I think you're all 10 out of 10. Almost every single time I see you. Appreciate that. Last night, I was a solid 4. Been there.

That's why I threw the safety almost in just in case yeah I've been a solid four before oh yeah doesn't feel good doesn't feel good sometimes I like it when you get to that point though where you're like oh this

is just gonna be a four set and then we're just I know it and we're just gonna I just kind of know it. I know it. And we're just going to... I'm going to say all the ones I wanted to say. And you're not going to laugh at it. No, no. I saw everybody before me do real well.

I saw them. I was here. I know it's a good show. I can't blame anybody else. Where was it? I was at the Good Foot. Okay. A little dance club where the kids go.

Doing the bad thing. Everybody did great. Well, you know what? Talking to 24 year olds doing a doing a new 15 minutes about buying a house in front of 24 year olds yeah dude whatever you fuddy duddy that are that are drinking fanny pack rum it's not the most relatable stuff dude the good the Goodfoot has a DJ on stage with you. It's full of kids. It's a tough one to do old guy stuff. I did a show here in LA. Let me tell you about asbestos abatement, youngsters.

It's fixed for 10 years, but it goes adjustable after that. So you want to really get as much of the nut off as possible. Adjust these nuts that's what i think they said i did this show in la here that was like it was the comedian who ran it it was like lovely but it was like lgbtq themed i was the one straight white dude in his late 30s like on the entire show everybody else was terminally fucking cool and and like some of them were barely doing stand-up everyone but me was gay and i went up there and tried to do just my like i just got back from my honeymoon to italy fucking like seven minutes of jokes and i have never felt older in my entire life

it was fucking kick all the kids are at least by now and i don't have anything to talk and they don't want to talk about it and i have nothing to say yeah it's terrible yeah freedom we weren't allowed no it's like everybody's a sophomore in college now fucking that's i mean the whole world is like going through freshman year. God bless him, man. I did Molly. Put a soft dick in my mouth. Everybody's cool.

Best of luck to you guys. The world's tough out there for you. You'll have a good summer, though. It's going to be a good summer. When you're broke and can't afford to do anything else, I guess just fucking everything you can is the only source of enjoyment uh not not according to my 20s soft dicks and fanny pack no according to drinking a pallet of beer and then falling asleep somewhere there you go that was that was my 20s and early 30s yeah uh kyle canane is here

at kyle canane on twitter at kyle canane on twitter at kyle canane on instagram at kyle canane on tiktok as well i yeah i think so the man of the cross somebody else handles that for me yeah well that's the dream yeah uh where can people see your lovely face montreal sacramento punchline with uh mr sean jordan right there it's gonna get buck wait you're gonna be in montreal yeah me too man let's get some beers let's get silly about it uh yeah sacra blue remember remember ian do you remember when we were there and we couldn't tell like because everything in Montreal is a silly joke for the festival. And that woman just fell in the lobby of the hotel. And we thought she was like a mime or something.

We were like, just pour here. And then all these people went to help her. And we just laughed at a woman who fell down real hard. She needed medical attention. We thought it was like a prank. You thought she was a French Canadian clown doing a prank on you. Oh, this baby

has a mustache. You thought it was going to be that. And it was just a lady that got hurt. I've confused those two a bunch of times. You'd be surprised. To say it wasn't funny is not the same as saying it was a joke. You know?

Yeah. It was funny. Well, right. It wasn't sanctioned. Of course it was funny. Everything happening, it's a truly awful situation. I mean, like, once you surrender yourself to it, it's pretty fun. But you're like, there are pranks and pratfalls happening fucking everywhere

like everywhere at every moment in montreal i saw twins yeah i saw twins and i was like all right what's this gonna be yeah and they were just twins is there still the meat market bar is that a still thing that happens at montreal where there's like the bar everybody goes to and the industry's buying drinks? Or is that out now, too? This is my first time going since I was a new face. I hope not. The industry's over, right? Yeah, it's over.

I've never been. To Canada? Been to Canada. Get a passport, you hillbilly. Get a passport, you hillbilly. I have one, Dave. All right. Not a lot of stamps on her. Not a lot of stamps on her, but I got them.

Also, no accounting for taste. The only other podcast in the world. The only other one with old Shenunu. Old jury duty Torres. Jury duty Torres. old jury duty torres jury duty torres the black hills nacho himself the comedy jorts

sad sadly roy frown i'm gonna be in the i'm gonna be at the comedy jorts in uh november actually so get those tickets as well please traum hanks i do festivals for the clothing November, actually. Get those tickets as well, please. Trom Hanks. I do festivals for the clothing. I threw Optimus Prime rib in the mix. I don't know if that's been done. I like that.

That's so great. Oh, they're great. It's not right when he's not here. You guys know. He listens, but it doesn't feel good. Let me get him on you guys. No, it's not his fault. No, I feel, he listens, but it doesn't feel good. Let me get him on FaceTime. Especially because Shane is like,

you know, he'll jab. Him and Sean, Sean, I don't think you're winning this competition face-to-face. Yes, I am. The UV Shane,

I don't think so. Yes, I, well, let's have, let's get, well, whatever. Let's bring him back. Let's bring him back. Nobody else has any feelings on this I'm the only one

taking a risk who thinks Shane is going to bury Sean in what I don't think he's burying him I'm saying when they're face to face I think Shane kind of gets the upper no no it's tricky I should have won that

whatever the thing we did in Denver last year the century club show have won that. Whatever the thing we did in Denver last year, the Century Club show, I won that. Oh, the Power Hour? Yeah, you won the drinking contest. That's half the show, baby. You beat Shade in a drinking contest? Nobody saw that coming. You keep your blade sharp.

That was just another festival night for you yeah it sure was uh my name is oh go on a cock please i just want to know how many bunt cakes you were making that you got that mold on the ready on the back there dude bun cakes oh yeah she stays making bun cakes i haven't made any bun cakes but my wife fucking bakes, dude. It is a challenge for me constantly at home. Bundt and Bundt it up. Okay. I was curious. Like, normally the Bundt mold is like in the back.

Who makes it a Bundt? What does Bundt mean? Bundt is on deck. Is that the shape? I think it's the shape. The Bundt hole in the middle of it. Yeah. The listeners, I'm recording in the kitchen.

The Bundt hole. I'm recording in front of Dana's baking rack rack and it's oh yeah there's no visual to this there's a canelé mold right up there dude it gets even weirder a cutter so she can make for the french pastry canelés me maintaining even a somewhat healthy weight is i'm in for the fucking fight of my life dude i'm like putting my hands in candles while she's letting pies cool on windowsills it's you know people usually pay for that that's i know it's fucking it's you can just drip the wax on yourself if you're into that you're doing it wrong man yeah you're gonna get a put a little leather glove on the candle and then drip the wax on yourself you save yourself eight hundred dollars

just been having her throwing boots at my crotch i didn't know she could just step on them i got a plank on kind of a seesaw thing and i catapulted a boot into my object I got a plank on kind of a seesaw thing, and I catapulted a boot into my own deck. It's so hard to be single and into kink. You really got to do it yourself. Going to the neighbors to see if they can throw some baby powder down my latex body suit, because I can't get out of it again. Could you unzip me?

I'm so sorry. I need another that strap goes no that crosses over just calling up customer service lines and getting into fights with them so they call you names you just have to like think you have to think your safe word you really don't need to say it you're just like you're doing you're doing work from home customer service work for like fucking for like Netflix. So people will call you. You're like jacking off while there's like Internet outages. Some guys like I can't watch survival of the thickest.

That's why that's why Hulu fired me. Tell me about it. Vanderpump rules. You piece of shit You overcharged me on my account Oh yeah yeah yeah For that I just added another five bucks a month I'll fucking kill you

Okay Fingers crossed Oh man it can get dark My name is Ian Carmel At Ian Carmel onmel on twitter at ian carmel did you get all your dates out kyle i'm sorry all right kyle canane.com it's the calendars there uh ian carmel across platform tiktok follow me on i have to i hate to admit i'm having fun on tiktok now not posting stand-up that is still agonizing. But I'm making silly little videos that I don't care if anyone likes.

I'm having a good time with it. Do you edit them? Not really. It's too loud. I'm going zero effort. If something silly makes me giggle, I'll put it on there. It'll get 200 views and I keep it moving.

I'm doing stand-up comedy out there in the world right now. Kyle, Sean, myself, and Shane Brendan will be doing a show, a benefit show in Portland, Oregon on August 15th at the Star Theater. All the proceeds going to the Crayon Kids Theater Company,

a non-profit children's theater in Portland, Oregon. Is this like a Black Hill Nacho thing? It's the Black Hill Nachos. Yeah, we're going to be doing a Black Hill Nacho review. We're going to Buffalo Gap afterwards. Crayon Kids feels like an insult. Crayon Kids. It's a crayon with a K and then a kids with a K.

So the temptation to make a caramel for Crayon Kids was there, but I opted not to do it. Sounds like a bunch of Jerry's kids to me. Is that a term? You probably shouldn't use that anymore. Jerry's kids. Do you remember that? Yeah.

That was awful. I never knew what it was, but it wasn't a good thing to say. Wait till the Reddit gets a hold of this. When I hear Jerry, to me that means a bunch of fucking Nazis, dude. The Jerrys. Oh, the Jerrys. Do people call them that?

That's what the British people called the Germans in World War II. WWII, the big one. Oh, I'm going to bring that back. Anyway, there won't be any Nazis on stage while we're doing the comedy for adults for kids. A little fundraiser in Portland for this children's theater who lost their rehearsal space. So comedy for a good cause. If there's still tickets available as of this dropping, snap those up.

Come out and have a great night with some of your pals. Watch us get drunker throughout the evening. Sure will. And then leave. For kids. For kids. We're going to be doing it for kids. And then I have other dates.

I'm going to be in Vancouver, British Columbia, December 30th through, or November 30th through December 3rd. I'm going to come. At the House of Comedy. Potentially. With Sean Jordan.

Yeah. Vancouver. Have you run a pass, have you run a pass the, the old lady yet? Yeah. Yeah, I just can't lose. I mean, I just gotta have somewhere to stay, but I'm in. Oh, we have a condo. You'll be sleeping with me.

Bruv. In my bed, dude. Yeah, dude, I just surged. I got a surge of energy. That's dank. I'm going for sure. Come see your boys in Vancouver, British Columbia, dude, up in Canada with our passports. House of Comedy. Big room. Big room.

And then I will be in Austin, Texas at the Vulcan Gas Company, I believe it's called. Yeah, that's it. December 8th through 9th in Austin, Texas. Four shows. It's going to be Hanukkah.

I'm going to be doing a hanukkah theme stand-up comedy show come see me they love that in texas yeah yeah every time i do a comedy show it's a hanukkah themed comedy show it's a miracle that goes on for as long as it does uh come out we're gonna have a good time i'll be in austin texas those tickets should be available soon and more dates on the way y'all sweethearts but we are gathered here today not to hear about hanukkah themed stand-up shows but to fancy draft racehorse names patreon chose it patreon chose it the patreon said they wanted to hear us draft racehorse names and they get what they want baby now the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you

and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Kyle wins an unnatural victory. It's a scissors against two rocks. Kyle, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it's incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, we'll

remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question. It's like a roadie. You've seen a roadie wrap up an extension cord? They do it this crazy way where they go like backward. They'll like roll it over their thumb and then they flip it around and go backwards almost. So you

can just unravel the cord and it's in one straight line. So it's kind of like that. You just you roll it up a little bit. You twist it. You roll it backwards the other way. You twist it, roll it backwards the same way that you were going and twist it and so forth until it's kind of like that. You roll it up a little bit, you twist it, you roll it backwards the other way, you twist it, roll it backwards the same way that you were going and twist it and so forth until it's all rolled up. I've rolled up a chord like that and you were like whoa, roadie shit!

It's so hard to do. So many roadies have showed me how to do it and I'm like I don't know what you're doing. No, that's not it Kyle. It's intuitive. They switch it though. It's like a figure eight or something. We've got so many roadies. How many roadies

are you? Are you hanging out with a lot of roadies? I love roadies. Probably five or six different roadies have showed me how to do it. And roadie is a loose term. I'm talking kids that have been on tour with a band and stuff. I mean, I know that's what a roadie is, but I'm not talking like Poison's Roadie or anything.

Have you met Poison's roadie? I don't think I've ever met a legit roadie. Sean didn't see ICP by buying tickets and going through the front door. He was twisting cords in the back. He almost famoused himself through the side door.

No, no. I bought tickets with money I earned at Hy-Vee grocery store, and I went in through the front door with my best friend at the time, and I got Faygo all over me, and I never washed the shirt until I had to throw it away. I'm betting the funneling of money earned at Hy-Vee into the

Juggalo universe is just as much as everybody expects. I'll tell you what, I think some money stolen money from Hy-Vee might even find its way into the Juggalo universe. I think some whipped cream stolen from the Hy-Vee might

find its way into the Juggalo universe. First place I ever whipped it was in the back of the Hy-Vee dairy. Wait, what? You know, the whipped cream whippets. Whipped cream whippets? Oh, I thought you meant jack it off. No, that's not the first place I pee off. yeah wait what you know the whipped cream whippets whipped cream whippets you whip it i did a whip i thought you meant jack it off no that's not the first place i'd be my my bedroom my bedroom

i didn't go out into the wild and beat off in the freezer my man loves a challenge an arctic blast yeah i had all the milk watching no i was in i was in my bedroom there was milk in there we're back to that fetish talk we had before yeah it's got to be a pretty milky situation for me to finish uh kyle basically what that means is if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now with that in mind what will the order of today's draft be? I would start with David.

David first. Then let's go Sean, and then we'll go you, and then we'll go me. Is that okay? I'm never going to understand this for as many times as I'm on the show. It's got to come together.

It's all going to come together. Because we make it so hard to understand. Yeah. I came up with all my choices at 7am. I love it. Same. Not my most comedic hour. David,

you have the first pick and we're going to get to it right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35,

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It is early. It's early. That was an early morning one. It's early. I don't know why we're doing this so early. I keep forgetting. Keep forget. We're not around schedules.

Yeah. Oh yeah. We got out. We got out. Uh, the fucking day. Fucking day. They did.

It's your fucking day, bro. David, it's your first pick, dude. Uh, pick David, dude. It's your fucking pick, bro. David, it's your first pick, dude. Uh, pick number one. So this happened to me. These are just, sorry to interrupt. These are fictional racehorse names we're making up. I got a host.

We're making up fictional racehorse names. You are on the clock. Uh, Chili Willy Snowflake. Nice. It was because during pandemic, you know, we all had a liquor store we went too much to, too much to during pandemic.

And the guy one time, I was at the liquor store and I was buying Hennessy. And the guy was like, here you go. I know how you guys like it. Chili Willy Snowflake. And I was like,

did you just call me a Black Hills Nacho? No, it felt racist for sure. But it was really funny and I think about did you just call me a Black Hills Nacho no it's not racist for sure but it was really funny and I think about it a lot so Chili Willy Snowflake does anyone drink Hennessy cold I thought it's warm he said us guys like it Chili Willy Snowflake don't know what you girls do

was it a white guy working there no it was some I think he's from a Was it a white guy working there? No, it was some... I think he's from a tumultuous region. You don't know the toppings on the nacho. A region of dispute? I think it maybe used to be called something different than it's called now. Yugoslavia?

Yeah, further south. Myanmar? The Congo? No, up from there. This guessing game means we all get in trouble. Yeah, that's how I like you. Now we're all in dark waters. Chili Willy Snowflakes.

So your horse is named after what sounds like a cocaine dealer from an 80s movie? Cocaine in an 80s movie? Some of that Chilly Willy Snowflake. You hear it? Here comes in the back straight Chilly Willy Snowflake. Yay! I bet him to show.

That's how I do. I bet like three horses to show. I don't really bet for the win. Have you bet gambled on horse racing before? A bunch! Are you kidding me? Holy shit! Yeah! In San Francisco or in Oakland, they used to have dollar beers and hot dogs on Sundays.

So yeah, I love horse gambling. I used to bartend at Portland Meadows every now and again. It's fun to try I didn't know what I was doing, but you just bet. You bet on anything. I don't bet to win. I just bet to place or show because then you got better odds.

And it's like people don't realize the track is kind of fun. There's kids. It's all day. Dude, it's so fun. It's a horse. I mean, it's a horse track. And it's such an event. And it's not like it's a regular.

It's not normal. So it feels like you're doing it's not like a, it's a regular, it's not normal. So it feels like you're doing something crazy. I do the same thing. If humans did it, if we just have like human races. Yeah. And if the horses trip and fall, they shoot them right there.

It's that's my favorite part. I went to Santa Anita and we like one horse fell and they're like, he's fine. And then they just had to screen up on the track. And we went with Rachel's friend, who's already kind of like, I don't know. I don't really like the cruelty. Like, no, it's fine.

And then another horse fell the same day. And her friends crying. We're like, I don't think we can go to the horse races anymore. It's crazy that they really do. Stop being fun. Murk them. Like, they break their leg. And they're like, all right, we get the screen out.

They murk them. And then they just make it disappear bro that place is a sausage santa anita is like a fucking slaughterhouse dude it's crazy so many horses die there not the most fun track no but the nachos aren't cheap don't ask what's on them don't ask farm to table or you know track to plate i don't know how to call it here track to stall it's yeah it's it's it's real it's real artisanal there willie snowflake that's the first pick sean jordan what are you naming your racehorse baby uh first pick is the main event but main is obviously M-A-N-E. My friends.

Like a water main? The main event coming down. You know, the violin bow on the back of a horse's neck. You see that the main event. Oh. You ever thought about using mane and tail shampoo, Sean Jordan? I don't wash my hair. Here we are. Do you condition?

No. No, I do nothing you gotta condition bro so when they go get it cut they would say if you go long enough you don't have to do that stuff but I don't know I don't do it it makes my shit too fluffy I don't like it I'd like you with some fluffy hair I think you should go full George Michael like big fluffy hair dude

freedom 90 you gotta hit those kids you know what I mean cause we're getting older I think you should go full George Michael, like big fluffy hair, dude. Freedom 90. You got to hit those kids. You know what I mean? Because we're getting older. You got to hit Michael Cera. I was like, Michael Cera? Oh, George Michael. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, I always got a hat on anyways, but it just puffs it out. I don't like it. I don't like the whole thing. Fluff it out, dude. Asin wash denim jacket, big fluffy hair, blonde tips. Go out there. Do stand up like that. Next live AFE, we'll do.

I'll do that. How about that? You're going to look like you're at a Tiffany concert. Oh, maybe I'll do it for one of the High Plains shows. I'll do that. It'll be fun. High Plains drifter. Oh, I'll be a High Plains dude.

We'll all be High Plains. Yeah, man. The main event. The main event's coming around the corner. Main event. I think the main event. I could see the main event. Waiting rolls off the tongue.

The main event. The main event. Wasn't that an and one player also? Yes. Right? Yeah. I could see the main event winning rolls off the tongue. The main event. Wasn't that an and one player also? Yes. Right? Yeah, I think so. Different spellings maybe. He didn't do the pun. Great fucking riff, David. It's alright.

It's alright. We don't have it today. That's okay. We don't always have it. We don't have it today. I feel like I got a couple hits. You got it. You're getting it, man. Everyone's got it.

It's our banker's hours. It's banker, yeah, exactly. We should be in fucking Dockers right now, sipping like a bad black coffee, farting, just farting into it. Hey, you're saying picks, dude. You're saying picks. Bad black coffee?

Bad black coffee. Bad, bad black coffee. Bad, bad L leroy frown i'm going to my first pick here i'm moving on to my first pick and i'm taking ronda that's a sturdy name so it's a sturdy name your horse sounds like it smokes cigarettes ronda's not breaking her leg ronda might not win the race but ronda's not breaking her leg. Ronda might not win the race, but Ronda's not fucking, they're not pulling up that curtain around Ronda, dude. Ronda's finishing that track. Yeah. Yeah. Ronda's

out there smoking a cigarette. Maybe smoking a couple cigarettes. Underdog. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ronda wasn't even supposed to be in the race. Ronda bought her saddle at Sears. You know? Ronda's kind of paycheck to paycheck, but making it work. Ronda paycheck but making it work ronda rides you yeah

you've never seen a horse cough before ronda ronda's having a cigarette before the race all right he's got a light at four, but we know what she wants. I'm picturing Rhonda with like adult horse braces. She might. Yeah. She just wants to look good.

She doesn't care. Most racehorses, you know, they're like, they're three years old or under. Rhonda's not. Rhonda's got gum in her hair. What's Rhonda? Like 17? Rhonda's racing gum in her hair What's Rhonda like 17? Rhonda's racing for AARP Rhonda's got Nicorette in her tail hair Rhonda doesn't mess with horse ears

Rhonda's just human years old Rhonda's got a toenail polish on her hooves but it's chipping it's chipping pretty hard This horse has an eyebrow ring. I feel like Rhonda's got an ashtray in her car and it's got ashes and change in it. And she's got a car, dude.

Yeah, yeah. And she's got a car. Little Chevette. Rhonda's got a 2002 Honda Accord. She keeps working. She keeps it working. Yeah, dude. Rhonda the got a 2002 Honda Accord She keeps working She keeps it working Yeah dude Rhonda the racehorse

Oh that's kind of I didn't even think of that Rhonda the racehorse Yeah that works That could be a cartoon That could be a grown up cartoon Well she dated Bojack It didn't end well

No it did not end well I could not watch Bojack I watched like a couple seasons of Bojack I recognized the mastery in it It's wonderful That show made me so depressed. I couldn't do it. It made me so sad. Yeah, I can be sad without a cartoon horse. Oh my god.

Fucking gut punch after gut punch, dude. Really? Yeah. I didn't watch that. Uh. Should I give a thing? You got two in a row here. Yeah, you go back to back. Oh, I go two in a row? Yeah. Serpentine.

Yeah. All right. Kind of like a roadie if they're like rolling up a cord. I understand. That's a way to think about it. That's one way to think about it. Okay, here's to Dwarf Rocket. Are those two different names or is that one name?

No, no, it's one. It's just a literal interpretation of what a racehorse is. It is a Dwarf rocket. You thought of that when you were more tired than you are now? That's great. Yeah, this all came out at 7 a.m. Waiting to hit snooze one more time. All right.

Dwarf rocket. It must be so fun to be like a little 120 pound dude and sit on the back of a big powerful creature like that i mean it's the you're one time to shine otherwise everybody's just reaching over you at the grocery store yeah right it must be tough to be in the real world like after you won like the kentucky derby and they're like do you want a kid's menu and you're like i'm a world-class athlete. Well, think about the horse. They can't ever go to Target again. They just get mobbed.

Through the horse? They can't do normal stuff. They don't have time to go to Target because they're busy boning all the lady horses to make new racers. It's called studding. Yeah. Do that with other athletes. And after his vasectomy, sean can't do it anymore

oh no oh now's the only time i've been bummed about it i'll bring it up i didn't i never put it together that i can't be put out to stud ever again i'll bring your vasectomy up for you we'll send you to the glue factory though oh i go to the glue fact you don't need to stud to go to the glue factory my friend i guess you lost a centimeter of your penis but you gained an hour of stand-up comedy you're all right that's what they do right i don't think that exchange is where that what it is they solder off your they solder off your penis how does that work because if you cut off a barrel of a shotgun it makes it more effective so i don't know but it's brain i love your shotgun science but i don't know if that way, but it's brave. I love your shotgun science, but I don't know if that's, it's not small. It's sawed off, baby.

It's getting everywhere. I'm no longer, I'm not fertile anymore, but I do have to go in like the beat off room because it goes everywhere. Now it's, it's got a widespread. So yeah, it's a give and take. You have a sprinkler head. Gotta shut it off from the main. I got another one. Yep rocket and speed beef speed beef

speed beef speed beef i'm gonna call shane all these I'm going to call Shane all these. Speed beef? Yeah. Were you just thinking of fun stuff to say? I just knew that people eat horses, too. And I was like, what's horse meat called? Like, cow is beef and pig is pork, but what's horse?

I bet they got a word for it in Italian and French. Yeah, but it's like guar. I had some horse meat when I was in Italy. How was it? Polpetta di cavallo. Or carne di cavallo. Translates to speed beef. I had like horse prosciutto. Pronto caballo, yeah.

Horse prosciutto. What is this? Horse prosciutto? I cannot wait to yell that as an insult at every wedding i go to for the rest of my life the hell is this horse prosciutto all horse prosciutto no it's it's it's chicken wait how was it how was the horse it's fine it tastes It tastes like meat, dude. You know what I mean? Once you get into the prosciutto zone, which I have been in for... You stay there, dude.

Ever since I was diagnosed with gout, I've been in the prosciutto zone. That's why I got to play Italian laser tag. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what that means. No, no. You got it. That was good. Yeah.

I liked it. It's means. No, no, you got it. That was good. Yeah. I liked it. It's great. This is all great. We should do it at 9 a.m. every time. You get a patent leather handjob in the prosciutto zone. Horsemeat, man, it just tastes like meat, dude. I don't know why we're so uptight about it here. I'm not.

I would eat i would eat it in a heartbeat you go to montreal you can find yourself some horse meat i've never been invited thanks for bringing it up again you're allowed to go to montreal you don't have to wait for a comedy festival bro you can go get a weird bagel find some horse meat uh on your own in your own neighborhood thanks i needed to hear it this morning, buds. You're welcome. Speed beef. Yeah. Time for my second pick. All right.

I'm taking Mondo Dookie. Yeah. Because I feel like you can't get too blue with your horse race names. You know what I mean? You can't like, you can't put cuss words in it. Oh, you can't call it like big fucking hog or something.

You can't, right. I don't, I don't know that you can have big fucking hog at the Kentucky Derby, but I do. You can't call your horse sucked cock at the, at the Kentucky Derby, but I,

at least Preakness, but I do think you can get away with Mondo Do so i do think you can be like like have the horse announcer being like and coming up from behind mondo dukey i've got a mondo dukey coming up from behind like that kind of and that would make me giggle that is good it sounds like it's from the star wars universe if right mondo dukey if i'm standing there in a seersucker suit drinking a mint julep and i hear somebody yell out mondo dookie coming up from behind i'm gonna i'm gonna laugh you know makes me feel like that's like bounty hunter boba fett's cousin who sells weed oh my gosh i haven't laughed that hard when you just said sucked that made me laugh

together you have to say it slow to get it out you can't say it fast you say it slow oh my gosh you know i used to bartend for the kentucky derby at portland meadows and uh these i got the vip tent one time and it was all older gals and at the beginning of the derby they were like handing me tips. And by the end, they were talking tips into my belt. And I was just like, Whoa, really? They were looking at their hands on a different kind of tip.

Yeah. They were a big old beefy South Dakota one. Yeah. Your wiener. My daughter's at art class right now. Oh, it's good. Drama. now oh Mondo Dookie yeah I want to hear I think it'd be funny

and plus horses take Mondo Dookies dude there's big poops I've seen horses yeah horses be pooping horseshoots a lot it's the only part you remember of a parade as a child it is it's those big dry horseshoots all these people have gathered to

honor veterans look at that horse take a huge shit in the middle of the street you get up at 6 a.m to go watch horse shit fall out of a horse's butt you see it happen too it's always funny candy being thrown out not very far from the dropped horse shit like that that's that bit oh honey's too close to them apples yeah i want to do over you always have italian laser tag though uh chantelle jordan it's time for your second pick i just noticed this was a typo but i kind of like the way it sounds so my second pick is going to be thumber t-h-u-m-b-e-r thumber thumber what was the typo thumper or thunder thunder i was just like going through a stream

of consciousness you got two letters wrong. Wait a minute. Do I not know how to spell thunder? No, no. T-H-U-M-B-E-R was the typo. So M instead of N. And D instead of B. I'm sweating. Do I not know how to spell thunder?

Do you think sunbur? You think it's sunbur? Oh, Jesus. Sunbur and lightning out there. Right. No, I missed that for a second. It's like sunbur, lightning. Yes. Yes. No, I missed that for a second. It's like Thumber Lightning. Yes, I got two letters wrong. And for a second

there, I was like, wait, do I not know how to spell Thunder? No, of course, because you know it's Thumber and Lightning out there. Yes, Thumber. I just saw that and I thought it was fun to say so. Yeah. Not a huge backstory on it, but it's Thumber. It was a huge backstory.

No. Take us on a walk dude I just started sweating I just thought I didn't know how to spell thunder because I thought there were two letters I mean I did get two letters wrong but I thought I only one of them was wrong on purpose you thought this was a caution the wind situation the whole journey I thought I was like wait is it

t-h-o-n-d-e-r what's the other letter I got wrong no t-h-u-m-b-e-R. What's the other letter I got wrong? No. T-H-U-M-B-E-R. Yes, I understand that there's two letters in there. Is the Journeys in Lloyd Center still open? What's going on in Lloyd Center? If it's a Portland-specific mall? Not a lot, man. The skating rink is open. There's the Portland

Bridge Club up top. I know because I get my steps in there when it's raining. And then there's a new shoe store that opened. There's a comic book store. Old Navy's gone. Marshall's gone. M There's a comic book store. Old Navy's gone. Marshall's gone. Macy's is gone. No, Macy's is still there.

A lot of stuff. No, Macy's is gone. A lot of stuff gone. Abraham Martin and John, dude. God damn. Hot riffs today. Hot riffs. Those are just facts.

Thumb bird. When you come with some fucking heat like Thumb bird. You know what I mean? The riffs. It's fun to say. No backstory. Let's talk about the Lloyd Center. We'll get back into the puns as soon as I'm done.

Here's a horse called Thumber. Yeah. It was a typo. What do you want? It was a whack name. It's crazy. I can't believe you took my second pick. Now I got to pick some other bullshit.

Oh, I think One Chance Fancy is a good name for a horse. Oh, One Chance Fancy. Yeah. And also, I love that Reba McEntire music video of a local woman made good because she was a prostitute because her mom made her. But then she she made it. What? There's a Reba McEntire song called called one chance fancy about a prostitute who makes good her mom's like her mom takes her to the guy and she's like here's one chance fancy don't let me

down oh yeah yeah i didn't know those were the lyrics yeah oh i don't know shit about reba dude it's a huge blind spot for me it's okay it's okay I you know I started from her television show and worked backwards but there's not a lot of people bumping Reba on the way to the Sherry Torres synagogue I get it I get it it's a great story of redemption

though if you have time watch the whole the video is very it's one of those videos it's like a movie she comes back to town It's like a movie. She comes back to town. She's like, I used to live here. Reba looks like an expensive bird. Reba McIntyre?

It also sounds like an expensive bird. Expensive bird. Reba sounds like an expensive bird, innit? No, bro. One chance fancy. That's a great name. Horse race names. It's fun because they can be full sentences.

Yeah. It can be so long. Yeah. It's a whole thought. Yeah. I like that. My next one, the pink Panther. Oh,

that's because that's fun. It would be fun. It's a horse. It's a brown horse, but we call it the pink panther oh that's just because that's fun it would be fun it's a horse it's a brown horse but we call it the pink panther you're gonna work in some pink like it's cameron's horse yeah i mean i you know i'd like the jockey to be pink if i'm picking they do wear fun little outfits they got they're exciting yeah silks there's got to be a tailor that just makes little guy horse outfits. Oh, I bet there's, yeah, jockey-specific tailor 100%. Oh, yeah. You're not just going to Dick's Sporting Goods like,

oh, I need your jockey section, please. It's not like a soccer jersey. You got to have a guy, you know? What's the biggest size you could get racing silks in? Extra medium. Do you think the tailor's small, too? you gotta have a guy you know what's the biggest size you could get racing silks in extra medium yeah the tailor do you think the tailor's small too i hope so that's because that's a bummer yeah it's a full-size guy going in there's just like a six foot four dude it's just lower back problems trying to measure the inseam on some dude that's four foot ten

what's the biggest jockey of all time was there ever like one dude who like like a reverse mugsy bogues regular size guys many horses that's the race i want to see oh my god that i don't know if you can you can have isaac cut that out if you want to save that idea for yourself there's got to be mini horse races. Save it. Put it in the world. Let somebody do it. I think that's your retirement right there.

I think you could. And they play a trombone instead of a trumpet to start the game. It's a real Mr. Belvedere theme song. I'm looking at a list here that says there was a six foot four jockey once whoa he did that despite everyone telling him no I'm gonna jock mom he was using

his own feet with the horse to run along with it he's like super charging it that's not fair like an eight year old on a tricycle just kind of kicking the block he's over here going turbo we can't have this oh it's funny jack andrews the six foot four jockey that guy was either the coolest guy or the worst guy ever. Oh, the other

jockeys hated his fucking guts. You know that shit. Every time he hit his head leaving the locker room, they laughed real hard. Yeah. They filled his locker with string beans. Do you think the Pink

Panther is a nickname for a penis? Do we think that's where that came from? I thought it was a diamond. It was a diamond. Oh, okay. Not really. You guys ever seen those movies? Not really. Not the Steve Martin ones.

Oh, they're fun. Oh, God. They're Peter Sellers, man. Pat, that's one thing Pat Jordan did do was sit me down and make me watch the Pink Panther movies. He didn't do it in a great way, but I'm glad that I did see him because they're fantastic. He didn't do it in a great way. You know this is going to be bad. I don't want to get into that. No, he didn't do it in a great way, but I'm glad that I did see him because they're doing a great way. He just like, I don't want to get it. I don't want to get it.

I don't want to get it. Like made me sit and watch him when it was sunny and nice out when I wanted to go skate. And he just got plowed while we watched the Pink Panther movies. Like it wasn't that busy taping newspapers over the windows. You watch Peter Sellers. He's a chameleon. the windows you watch peter sellers he's a chameleon make sure they can't see anything i can still smell the cigarettes whenever i watch them did bam march ever play three roles in the same movie sit down

sean jordan it's time for your third pick, bro Air Horse 1 Oh, there we go That's what we I like that He's back Thumber's fun to say After the critical flop The critical and box office flop

That was Thumber, he comes back with Air Horse 1 And reminds America Nay the world Nay the world nay the world. Nay. Nay the world. Nay the world. Nay the world.

Now you're saying pics again. Nay the world, dude. Air Horse 1 was the first one I thought of. Are you doing like a Stars and Stripes motif with your jockey silks and your horse and your little horse blanket? Probably. Yeah. Yeah, I think. Maybe the horse, maybe I even spray paint the horse. with your jockey silks and your horse and your little horse blanket probably yeah yeah i think

maybe the horse maybe i even spray paint the horse just spray paint the flag on it further call your spray paint and the horse says you can't spray paint your horse it's not gonna slow it no i feel like oh i mean maybe maybe yeah pita might have something to say about it they can have fun outside they're not even allowed in so it doesn't matter what are they gonna have extra problems with horse racing? What's their spray panning? I'm toning it down a notch. They're already beefing with horse racing.

Fair. They don't like it. How does Peter feel about riding a horse just anywhere? Are they against that, too? I always wonder if it's rude. The horse can't be stoked. No. I remember I was in high school, and I was plus 300 pounds. You were never in high school.

I was in high school, bro. Stop. I was at university, mate. I was in a... I was like, we went to Boy Scout camp. Maybe it was middle school, but either way, I weighed more than 300 pounds. And we did like horse... We had a horseback riding thing at Boy Scout camp.

And I remember going up to the horse and noticing the horse's mood change or maybe it was just but just like well you had a gun pointed at you you started smoking a cigarette where it was just like all these little like 80 pound middle schoolers were like

walking up to their horses like ah day of adventure and I walked up to this poor fucking like the beefiest horse they had just plus 300 pounds like you do you remember the horse's name no dude i don't remember the horse's name i remember the horse's demeanor the more you wrote it demeanor it got demeanor oh come on he's back he's back he never's back. He never left, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be at Boca Raton next weekend. He's going to be at the Laugh Jort all week long.

Boca Raton Laugh Jorts? Is Air Horse One a takeoff on the president's plane or on the Nelly song about the shoe much more than nelly song is where you know that was what was in the brain maybe i even have like some air force one jockey shoes whatever jockey shoes are maybe i make those look like my forces forces are pretty they wear boots right look like look like them so like not not actually wearing forces but like you know jockey boots i think you'd have to paint the stirrups. I'll paint the stirrups.

I'll probably have to dye the stirrups. Cause I think that's where Murphy Lee is actually getting them colors. Oh, he was dying. Or wait, Kiwan, who's getting them colors. Kiwan.

Kiwan, where are you getting them colors? He's dying. You know what? Kyle, you like this riff, right? Yeah,

I totally understand what you're talking about. We're going to let you make sure that's a KiAnon Murphy Lee during this short break that we're going into right now. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on

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Hey, we're back. Hey, we're back on All Fantasy Everything, your favorite podcast. And we're having ourselves a time drafting racehorse names. Thumber off the board. Thumber's off the board. Sean just took Air Horse One, and it's time for my third pick and i'm taking two loving lesbian mothers dude i bet you that oh my god it'd be so fun to hear an announcer in the 60s be like i'm not i'm not saying it i'm not saying it i'm not okay i'll lose my job i've been on the line before i'll go on the line again.

A horse won. A horse won. It's fine. A natural horse won. Two loving lesbian mothers. Do the loving lesbian mothers have a name for the headline? What are you talking about? No, that's the name of the horse.

I know, but I'm just asking, are the mothers, do the mothers have names by chance? I'm just throwing it out there. Are we going, we're going deep on this, on this backstory of the horse? Don't have to.

I'm just wondering. That's it. I'm just wondering. Yes. Yes. Sylvia is Sylvia and Gert. Gertie. Short for yogurt.

Yeah. Short for yogurt. Gert. Y'all ever seen, y'all ever, y'all ever seen, y'all ever seen, y'all ever seen how they spell yogurt in fucking France? I know, I know I'm not going to like it. Yowert. There's no G in it. It's just yowert.

Listen, I'm grateful for the kissing and all that, but what the fuck are they doing over there? I don't know what the fuck fuck that when you guys are in montreal go find yourself some yowart and see you see if it doesn't fucking ruin your rules it's the best the kissing is the best thank you for that it rules you're welcome for that big fan big man i was thinking about you that means kissing existed until it finally got up to France. I'm like, what if we open our mouths a little bit? Like, how disgusting was the breath of that time until it got to some place that was employing mint on a regular basis? Like, what if we open our mouths a little bit?

Test this thing out. The French, they wanted it to be gross. The first guy who did it, they had to have burned it to steak and then they realized it was cool. Like the first guy? Whoa. He attacked my mouth.

Yeah, what the fuck did you just do? We should know that guy's name. Why don't we know that guy's name? Because they killed him for his views. Yeah, they erased him from the books, man. Jeez, if you look in the Gnostic Gospels, there's Gospels that say Jesus was the first dude to French kiss.

The Gnostic Gospels? It's considered heretical. Yeah, it's not canonical. It's like the Apocrypha, right? That's what they talk about is Jesus French kissing the whole Apocrypha. It's just like him getting HJs and French kissing.

Patent leather handjobs and French kissing. All the 10th grade stuff. Anyway, you got to really go deep. That's what he was doing. You know how he has those 12 years or whatever unaccounted for? That's what he was doing. He was French kissing.

He was tucking his wiener behind his legs and pissing backwards he was doing like all sorts of crazy stuff i'm sorry i'm sorry that's just hilarious if you want people to remember you were at the party then yeah he tucks his leg between his leg a dick between his legs pisses backwards and sort of scoots around like the piss like it's propelling him forward. I'm a mermaid. Stop it, Jesus. That's not what mermaids do at all. Have some more wine.

You're fucking bumming me out. Jesus went to college for 12 years. My man was a junior for a while. Struggling. And he got back into his dad's business once he got out. Yeah, classic. He's throwing himself out. Yeah yeah he got his head on straight yeah he had really he had undiagnosed anxiety and once he got a hold of that he started to really figure some things out

well he tried to start a record label but his dad shut it down yeah it's it's like the murdochs well he tried to sign the yayas yeah, yes, but everything fell apart. He was in there early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he discovered Nelly, but the deal went through. No, he has a producer credit on suit, but not on sweat. Which, what a slap in the face. Yeah.

Sweat's the one you want. That's the credit. Kyle, you have two picks. We have 15 minutes, and you have two picks. Oh, I got... these are my last two? no I got okay I don't know if this one makes sense

it's not like the others well I don't know what it is what's a sea biscuit? I don't know a horse name? because I was like well like a little treat from the ocean oh that makes sense. Could be.

I think it's fish poo. Is it? I don't know. Okay, my horse name is Gallop Scallop. That stinks. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's perfect. It doesn't need to mean anything.

Gallop Scallop, man. Who's not betting on Gallop Scallop? Gallop Scallop. Like a sea biscuit made me think of a scallop. Yeah. And then a gallop scallop goes back to the horses then it's a serpentine naming system

sea biscuit would be a scallop back into a horse, gallop, scallop that's my thought process we can all see the evolution there like a roadie it sounds like a gallop scallop sounds like a euphemism for like a genital wart just if you really want to drop it in at lunch yeah i got a couple gallop scallops i think it's when an ultra marathon runner just has to shit during the race

dude there's so many stories about people I thought it was when the horse was rubbing your thighs raw and you get a little blister. You get a gallop scallop. People who, they don't train for a marathon properly and they'll like a mile before the finish line, they'll all crap their shorts. It happens all the time. It's such a bummer to think about.

Getting 25 miles in and just pooping your pants because you just did it a little bit wrong. How can you train in such a way yeah i think it's people that overestimate the so you sprint a lot towards the end pardon if i sound like a moron to somebody who runs a lot but i did a half and so they told us about this when we were training but you if you sprint too much at the end and you're not ready for it then that's when people like pass out and shit their pants and stuff a lot of times or you know at the same time or what like it yeah it's wild and you just ran 25 miles like you basically did it but then to fall and pass out and poop your pants just it was such a bummer i gotta find that find that compilation on YouTube. It's on there.

You know it's on there. That'll pick me up on a down day for sure. Yeah. Sounds intense. Because you got to tell people you ran a marathon. Do you bring up the I shut myself or do you leave that out? I would. I want to see them like the last mile going,

well, I got to finish like after the revived cooler. Yeah. You pooped your pants and then you still did it. That means, yeah, that's, that's,

that's more motivation. Imagine, but we've all just, yeah, we've all walked with like a little bit of poop. Now run all now run with all the poop. I rode 25 miles on the bus and crapped my pants right before I got off and went into work. So that's kind of the same thing, right?

Yeah. A little bit? Yeah. Yes. Yes, it is. Yeah, man. So I painted the whole deck. It's crazy.

This whole thing. I did it. Which is a term for shitting your pants what'd you do i painted the i painted the whole deck i gotta take the day painted the deck gotta go home early yeah two coats a little bit of primer i gotta i'm gonna need to go home and wash the deck off i told you about that time I shit myself. I shit myself. I got food poisoning. And like it hit while I was walking home over the Hawthorne Bridge.

I was in the middle of the Hawthorne Bridge in Portland. And like, it was one of those like, sir, the torpedo has locked onto our submarine moments where it's like battle stations now. And I shit myself a little bit, just a little bit. And then I was like, I have to find the closest bathroom. Jolly Roger. It was the Jolly Roger. Oh, I told this recently.

And there was no door on the stall. So I just had to shit in there, hoping no one walked in. If they walk in, what are they gonna do? With shitty pants. You gotta say hello. You gotta be the first one to say hello. You gotta open it. You gotta, hey man, I'm shitting myself in here but the artist on them hey pal welcome this is this is what kind of bathroom this is right now it won't be in a minute but right now

this is this kind of bathroom so you're at the jolly roger you know if you're good with that i'm good with that if you want to hold it and pee later, that's also cool. Just tell him to pee in between my legs and get the drinks off. Spider pee, bro. Gallop scallop. And your fourth pick. Fourth pick. Jell-O toes.

I wasn't really thinking horse names no these are yeah things I'm going to call Shane man he's not even to know I'm going to call him before he listens to this he'll be like what's up whatever jello toes he's going to think I made it up he's got expensive feet dude who jello toes he doesn't just whip those out for anybody anymore

oh Shane yeah you little tootsie your little foot freaks yeah here's my piggies for you little foot sluts you stop doing that shut her here you go you little toe whores Flintstone feet dude that got me every time bear claws hanging out jello toes it's time for my fourth pick I'm taking Ricky Christmas

oh I like that it's a nice one it just sounds fast if I was looking at a betting sheet and I saw Ricky Christmas. Oh, I like that. It's a nice one. It just sounds fast. If I was looking at a betting sheet and I saw Ricky Christmas on there, I might lay some money down. I'd give to that cause. Ricky Christmas, dude. Ricky Christmas wears a

red leather jacket, baby. It's got the hard CKs in there. He's going hard in the paddock. You see him when they're walking him out and you're like, oh, that guy's got it. He has champagne no matter what happens. He's like Happy Gilmore. I'll take my big check even though I got sixth.

Just wearing a wreath. He's always wearing a wreath. It doesn't matter. It's a Christmas wreath, so it doesn't matter. It doesn't do the race. They're going to take that wreath off to put the other wreath on him. Switch your wreaths out, Ricky. Ricky Christmas.

Sean Jordan, time for your fourth pick. Another one, just fun to say, getaway sticks. I was like saying getaway sticks. I like calling legs getaway sticks. I feel like it's kind of like under the radar for a fun little slang term, but it should be fun. Call a horse getaway sticks. I dig it. I like it's kind of like under the radar for a fun little slang term but it should be fun call horse getaway sticks i dig it i like it cool cool i thought you'd froze no i'm here just make me

sit in it again back let's all get out that blunt hole you see bunt hole blunt hole we used to call bunt cakes we used to call bunt cakes blunt cakes that's why i said the blunt hole how'd you guys figure that out what was the process that led to that smoking blunts did bunt cakes come into play also yeah that's my question how many were there a lot i got real specific munchies how often were you guys talking about bunt cakes in your group of skateboard friends mikey worked at Quiznos and we'd always go in and get free sandwiches and Bundt cakes and Adam would call them Blunt cakes. So there you go. I didn't even know Quiznos

had Blunt cakes. There was Bundt cakes at Quiznos? Yeah. I don't recall that. I mean, this is 20 years ago. We were around. Yeah. I've been to Quiznos. Don't talk to us like we weren't going to Quiznos 20 years ago. I wasn't. To be honest, 20 years been to Quiznos. Don't talk to us like we weren't going to Quiznos 20 years ago. I wasn't.

To be honest, 20 years ago, Quiznos was a little steep for the budget. Yeah, Quiznos was. Do you remember their Batch 81 sauce? That hot barbecue sauce they had? I remember everything about Quiznos. You don't, clearly. Except for the Bundt cakes. You forget the Bundt cakes and the Batch 81.

I remember the Batch 81. Don't talk to me. I remember the Batch 81. I love fucking to me. I remember the bad shady one. I love fucking Quiznos. Putting a sandwich in a car wash. A lot innovative. Get Dana Gordon on the phone. Sounds like you're saying bad shady one.

And I thought that's a good name. Bad shady one? Yeah. Bad shady one. Eminem. Author of David's favorite hip hop lyric. Yeah. I guess that's why they call it windowpane.

Not the window, sorry, leaving. I wish I could remember what the lyric was before that that David likes so much. Because it rhymes with, I guess that's why they call it windowpane. I digress. You show me your tattoo real quick, David. Maybe I can read it still. No? Alright.

David, time for your fourth and then your final picks. My wife is leaving me. Just because that's a funny thing to hear somebody yell a lot. My wife is leaving me in the fourth lane. He's like yelling. My wife is leaving me the show. My wife is leaving me by a mile.

It's also a good reason to buy a racehorse i think that's the main reason really yeah how much is a horse i think it's a lot man i think there's a there's a sliding scale there because you got to get in like the right family and stuff. Right. Like you guys, it's like, you gotta pick up pedigrees. Uh, and then my last one was just smokestack lightning. Just cause that sounds cool and fast.

Another dank one. Oh, exactly. The great Howlin' Wolf song. The great Howlin' Wolf song. Is it Howlin' Wolf or Hellin' Wolf? Howlin'. Oh, Howlin' Wolf or Helen Wolf? Howlin'. Oh, Howlin', okay.

What? Howlin' Wolf or Virginia Wolf? I don't know. Virginia Wolf? The song's by Virginia Wolf. Yeah. Howlin's her nickname. Howlin' Virginia Wolf.

Oh, Howlin' Virginia Wolf. Oh, Howlin' Virginia Wolf. She would never shut the fuck up. Who's afraid of Howlin' Wolf? We know that. Scott, Howlin', and Virginia Wolf. She would never shut the fuck up. Who's afraid of Howlin' Wolf? We know that. Scott Howlin' and Virginia Wolf. The Wolf family.

Scott and Virginia. The nepotism. Oh yeah, it's constant. Sean, time for your final pick. Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday. Oh, like, yay! Winnie!

Winnie, Winnie, Winnie. You have a horse where the announcer's going to do kind of a heavy sigh before he says it. Yeah, that's right. And coming up from behind,

Doc Holliday. Two loving lesbian mothers. My wife is leaving. You know what? I quit. This point used to be about the horses, man. You can read the results on your own. I'm not doing this anymore.

I don't care. It would be so fun to hear all these names in an actual race. Oh my God. I could do that. Anyway, Doc Holliday, as it were. My final pick. Complicated feelings about Michael Jackson. This is really unraveling towards the last

round, isn't it? Everyone's letting it ride. We got three minutes left. I think a lot of people have complicated feelings about Michael Jackson and his music. You know what I mean? They don't really know. Am I supposed to never listen to it? What do I do?

If it comes out at a wedding, can I have a good time? I think it's a universal feeling. How many kids would you trade to keep listening to Thriller? What's the number? People have a number. People have a number. People have a number. And it's for a lot of people. I'm not going to get into it. Some people got a pretty low number.

I think there's a lot of time between horse races. And having a horse named Complicated Feelings about Michael Jackson would elicit some conversations that would make that time fly by. And that's why we cut people off from men juleps that's right yes too many to keep talking about this you guys quit talking about that i'll give you another julep any connection to the jewish faith that meant julep no i don't think so uh i don't think it's spelled with a j-e-w that would be a slur jewish tulips. They're Jewish. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense. This is my last one. Yeah, and then we're going to do six more. Okay, great. Well, just to add to the difficult last round, is there a Mrs. Ed. He stops dead on the track and goes, there used to be. So we went to

Santa Cruz. We went to wine country. Now she's a Mrs. Biscuit. On Monday there is is but it's Saturday baby what's your name not at the derby listen there's a lot of Mrs. Ed's out there

to recap I'm gonna I'm gonna try to do it in the style of a horse race all right here we go the order was David, Sean, Ian, Kyle. And we're off. Taking an early lead is Chili Willie Snowflake. Chili Willie Snowflake by a head and a half. And then we got One Chance Fancy. One Chance Camp Fancy

coming up from behind of the Pink Panther. The Pink Panther is gaining on One Chance Fancy. The Pink Panther coming up from behind of the Weave. My wife is leaving me. My wife is leaving me three lengths back. My wife is leaving me. And then the Smokestack Lightning. Smoke to Slag Night. Slow getting out of the gate, smokestack lightning. But doing the best I can. It is early in the morning.

The main event. The main event is over. Taking smokestack lightning. Now the main event. A head by a head and a half. Two head. Thumber. Thumber.

It's a silly name for a horse. It's a silly word to say. The man did not know how to spell the word thunder. But Thumber is on the track. Air horse one coming up from behind. Air horse one. Air horse one gaining on Thumber. Air horse one by a head. Two heads 1 coming up from behind now. Air Horse 1. Air Horse 1 gaining on Thumbra. Air Horse 1 by a head. Two heads. Three heads

in half. It's going to be hard to catch Air Horse 1, but Getaway Sticks is hell-bent on doing it. Getaway Sticks moving quick the last half mile. Doc Holliday dead. Doc Holliday died at the gate. Did not ever make it out of the gates. Doc Holliday

unfortunately passed away right at the gates, but Rhonda is smoking an unfiltered American Spirit cigarette now bothering somebody in the stands trying to get their gin and tonic. Mondo Dookie, Mondo Dookie is taking a giant shove on the track. Mondo Dookie, the poop just keeps coming out, followed

by two lesbian mothers. Two lesbian mothers now leading the race, and Ricky Christmas is complicated feelings about race. And Ricky Christmas is... It's complicated feelings about Michael Jackson and Ricky Christmas. Trading first place, trading first place. And then Dwarf Rocket and Speed Beef have neck and neck.

It's Dwarf Rocket and Speed Beef and the Gallop Scallop, Jell-O Toast, and Is There a Mrs. Ed? That's so many horses. Is There a Mrs. Ed? Gallop Scallop. Coming down to the very last uh 10 yards jello toes it's and is there a mrs ed by a mile is there a mrs ed by a nose or something good job i try

you know what i think i'll sound like drug dealers oh that was sick jello tea i'm gonna go Jell-O toes and get way too much Molly. Do Jell-O toes. I used to buy weed from Jell-O toes and it was just weed. You didn't get to fucking pick what kind. Yeah. It just gave you the weed they had. Yeah.

Uh, those are our racehorse names. Oh man. We, we want to hear yours. Hit us up at all fantasy bot on Twitter. All fantasy podcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone. The AFE Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Thank you for holding us down.

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And more important than all of that, shout out to the AFE fan who brought his girlfriend to the show in Toronto who was like, or maybe his wife who was like, she's a cocaine dealer. Just right out in the open like that. And more important than all that, tune in again next week to another brand new

episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity! that was a hate gum podcast