All Fantasy Everything - Replace a Movie Role with Nicolas Cage (w/ Chris Charpentier, Zach Harper, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

ENTER THE CAGE. Guests:    Chris Charpentier @charpiecomedy IG: @charpiecomedy Zach Harper @talkhoops IG: @talkhoops Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.  Merch: teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverything Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting movie roles we'd replace with Nicolas Cage. Today, we're joined by two fabulous guests. The first is comedian and friend of the podcast,

Chris Charpentier. His debut album, Brain Thoughts, is available on Special Thing Records. We're also joined by enemy of the podcast, voice of the athletic, and host of the Cinephobe podcast, Zach Harper. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and joining us today is my friend and comedian, Sean Jordan. David Borey is deep, deep, deep in the sewers of Bolivia. Let's get to it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is recording, at least partially, out of Los Angeles, where it is the coldest it's ever been anywhere.

Yeah, dude, it's going to snow in Hawaii. Did you see that? What? What? Yeah, there's like a blizzard or snow warning in Hawaii. Hawaii of all places. What? Hawaii. What? Yeah, I'm going to be one of those guys that says

Hawaii. Oh my gosh, you're going to Hawaii? Hawaii. You're going to say it like that if you want to. Oh no, you're going to Hawaii. I was contemplating going to Hawaii next month, but now if it's going to snow, absolutely not. Yeah, in Hawaii, it's supposed to be snowing. I think contemplating going to Hawaii next month, but now if it's going to snow, absolutely not. Yeah, in Hawaii, it's supposed to be snowing. I think you should go anyway.

Yeah, you should go anyway for sure. It'd be fun. Wow, rare blizzard warning in Hawaii. Up to 12 inches of snow expected. 12? On the big island? On the big island summits. Okay, that makes sense. You'd still be fine.

In the mountains? Oh, cry me a river. Somebody was telling me that it was going to snow in Hawaii and I thought they meant on the beaches of Hawaii. I think it snows in Hawaii not regularly, but every year. Yeah, I think it gets some snow up there, up top. Okay, in Hawaii?

Hawaii. That's how I say it. My girlfriend's from there, so I can do whatever I want. Hawaii. She's a waa. You're what we call a howley. This is what us howleys sound like when we try to pronounce any of the words correctly.

You pronounce it, you just go like, where are you flying to? I got a direct flight to it's going to be dank. We're staying at the Four Seasons four seasons maui and oh wow he must have gone to college there or something yeah you can you can call it that i went to college with uh several people from hawaii because that there's this thing called wui which is like the western university exchange where people from hawaii can go to like in state at like schools on the west coast and uh none of them had ever seen snow before so when it's we took not none of them but like there were four or five of

them who had just never left hawaii really until right they came to college so they hadn't seen snow before so we drove up to like mount ashland and like well i got to watch them play in the snow for the first time and that is a wholesome little Yeah, some frolicking for the first time. Because you're not going to not frolic yourself. You're going to get it if there's snow and people frolicking. Come on. Please. At least a snow angel, if nothing else.

Yeah. Oh, I love a snow angel. Oh, I love a snow angel. Put a couple little spikes on the top. Snow devil. I don't like that. Oh, yeah, dude. I don't. I don't like that't i don't like that i don't

prefer that i do it naked well naked okay now i'm back on board yeah right yeah it's nothing it wasn't the nudity that the problem with this embrace of uh beelzebub in south dakota i believe we had reciprocity am i using that right with hawaii where you can go you can treat it like it's a state school oh yeah like that you're from there so I feel like everybody had that because Colorado had that too yeah if all three of these states had it yeah three of the leading states by the way absolutely that is right my friend did it my friend went to school in Hawaii what's this alleged friend's name Mark name mark lee uh look it up sure mark that to me atmospheric meteorology suck it wow what a fun place to go study i wonder if he had a hand in this friggin blizzard warning he probably did

or in creating the blizzard yeah that's what i'm saying did he build a weather machine that's exactly right a lot of people don't know that meteorologists don't just predict the weather they make it. That's right. That's their whole thing. That's why they get paid so much. Dude, that'd be a dank, like, meteorology. Making the weather.

Is it Mark Lee or Mark Leibowitz? You know what I mean? Just control the weather. There he goes. We control the weather. Happy Hanukkah, everyone. I guess it's over by now. Banking the weather, as it were.

Have you guys seen Red Notice? The new Dwayne Johnson vehicle? Red? No, I haven't. No. The greatest snowball scene I've ever seen in a movie. Wow. Somebody blows someone and then somebody blows someone and makes a shot. Shot! That's a snowball.

Did you know? Jesus Christ. I'm excited for my mom to listen to this one. How bummed would you be? You're just like, oh. Let's not follow the thread. All right. Don't be a bitch.

I'm going to grab a sweater. You should tell me before we kiss if that's happening. Oh, my God. All right. All right, Mr. Jordan. All right. Sorry. I'm in a good mood, man.

Father Jordan. Is Red Notice worth watching? Yeah. It's fine. It's a little long, but if you like Ryan Reynolds... I do. Yeah.

Ryan Reynolds is Ryan Reynolds, and I enjoy that persona. So yeah, I'm into it put uh put ryan reynolds on the screen in front of kelly jordan and just start a stopwatch under three seconds she will tell me that i'm more attractive and more talented than ryan reynolds yeah she without no i'm nobody is ryan reynolds is like damn near perfect looking but she just can't she's like you're you're funnier than he is well mom thanks you are definitely my mom aren't you when you're not uh when you're not involving the devil in your work yeah yeah when you're not when you're not compelling the name of beelzebub

onto this podcast did i did i draft beelzebub once you might have drafted beelzebub once so no in the names name people who look like their names or yeah yeah he does yeah yeah freaking beelzebub uh i watched uh james bond no time to die last night that is a that's a fine film that's the new one yeah that's the new one it's good as hell is it also long it's long it's pretty long you're in long. You're in for it. You're in for it, but it's a, I'll tell you this, and I'll tell you it for free. It's a thrill a minute and maybe more. Sure.

Yeah. That's a lot of minutes. Is it funny? Are there some funny lines in there? There's quips, and it's like a sort of your mileage may vary on quips, but it's also a lot of quips. This is one of the quippier bonds okay that daniel craig has been in all right yeah i like quip i like quip in my 007 yeah he's a it's a quippy bond like money pennies out here making quips is it's fucking full of quips man i watched the other 007

uh get back the beatles oh yeah basically that's the only thing I knew I've watched recently. But it's real fun. That is long. It's also very long. Three-parters, like, all over two hours, right? I think they're an hour and a half, I think. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.

I wasn't paying attention. Did you get through it? Are you through it? Wow. It's a lot. But it's pretty good. I like it. I fucking love it.

Yeah. I've also been real into music lately. What have you been listening to? Let's sprinkle it on pretty good. I like it. I fucking love it. Yeah. I've also been real into music lately. What have you been listening to? Let's sprinkle it on the people. Honestly, it's almost been exclusively The Grateful Dead. It's really weird. My life has taken a very weird turn in my late 30s. I'm playing golf and listening to The Grateful Dead.

If I'd have known that this is where I would have ended up. It's not a weird turn at all. That's a turn. If I'd have known that this is where I would have ended up. Not a weird turn at all. That's a turn. If I'd have known that this is where I would have ended up, I would have not tried to be so cool all of my entire life. What a waste. I wish I hadn't tried to be cool

for a long time and I just embraced the thing. Oh, you got to act this way and you got to like this stuff. No, I just fucking like what I like. Turns out I love golf and the Grateful Dead. Yeah. Throw on some Taylor Swift and like any romantic comedy you got. And yeah.

And it's like I wish for years that, yeah, that I didn't try to hide that. I used to have an NSYNC tape that I would hide from my friends when they got in the car. That's a good call. In high school. Yeah, you did the right thing. As a former bully, good call. You want to put that away. You want to hear something about Sharpie?

A little music situation? Sharpie hates the band Bush. Hates them. Oh, yeah. I sure do. I like Lyserine and Machine Head. We're aligned on that. We're aligned on that.

I know a lot of people who hate Bush. I'm not one of them, but I do know a lot of people who hate Bush. I like glycerine and machine head we're aligned on that I know a lot of people who hate bush I'm not one of them but I do know a lot of people who hate bush I like it I mean I don't I'm not deep in but you know you throw in some bush I'm like sure I'm in well you got a machine head I do have a machine head yeah do not not a fan

better than the rest green to red machine head I mean with lyrics like that it's hard not to like them but I choose not to Yeah, not a fan. Better than the rest, green to red, mushy in head. I mean, with lyrics like that, it's hard not to like them, but I choose not to. Well, it's a dense text, and that's probably what Sharpie and Zach aren't really... It's stopping them from getting into it. A couple numbskulls. I'm a doula. That's how I'd describe it.

It's a dense text. It's like Chaucer, you know what I mean? It's Voltaire. Yeah. It's Gavin. Harvey Dents. It's Harvey D text. It's like Chaucer. You know what I mean? It's Voltaire. Yeah. It's Gavin. Harvey Dense. It's Harvey Dense, dude. Really hard to get through it.

Like, he should have been easier on you. What does that mean? Who's you? Me? Who's he? I don't even know him. I think it's all about Gwen Stefani. Oh, well, see, now, like...

Mm-hmm. Gwenny Steph? It's about you. It's about gwen stefani dude it's about fucking it's about the shadow government it's about oh it's an onion baby dude it's an it's about maggie thatcher it's about maggie fucking thatcher dude maggie thatcher pm of uh of the g. Damn, yeah. Sounds tight when you say it like that. How much has your knowledge of the motherland increased since working for James Gordon? Quite a bit. Quite a bit.

Because I don't know that I would have ever gone there. Well, I would have ever gone there, but I certainly wouldn't have gone like four times with British people. Right. That's the thing with British people. That's when you get the deep cuts you gotta feel like like dame dana also has contributed to that because she seems very knowledgeable of that whole area yeah dame

dame dana schwartz for sure knows a lot about it she's she's contributed more to my knowledge of their history than than any of these than any of these fucking blokes chavs or bruvs have for even a second but here's the main things i've learned from the brits i work with their candy is infinitely better than our candy really and listen like if it's a tournament they're gonna win most of those but we have a few we have a few that are better than theirs but their candy is their fucking chocolate is amazing they're going to win most of those. But we have a few. We have a few that are better than theirs. But their candy is, their fucking chocolate is amazing. They're just really good. The whole country is a fucking Willy Wonka chocolate factory.

It's no surprise. Lifesavers gummies probably have whatever their equivalent is, beet. But their candy is like better than ours. They love soccer. They pretend cricket is fun. Oh, I hate cricket. So you've seen people who know everything about cricket, I assume? Our friend Louie Weymouth is a devoted cricket fan.

So could he, like if I went to a cricket match, is it a match? Yeah. With Louie. Yeah. Would I have fun, do you think? Because he could walk me through it. Because Louie's there. Yeah, you would have a good time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not fair. You right but yeah i just i wonder because cricket looks i think it's fun but i don't know every other sport like football you're like either football soccer or american football you're like i can tell what's going on i see the goal cricket i don't know what the fuck they're doing my my brother-in-law is australian and i watched a three-hour cricket game match whatever with him once and the whole time he was like i don't know why you're watching this because he he loves it but he's just like trying to bond with you he's like he's like i don't know why and then afterwards i was more

confused about the rules than prior it's like baseball in that way like if you don't like baseball you're not gonna like baseball right like if you don't like baseball you're not gonna like baseball right like if you don't already like it you're not gonna like it and if i have to explain it to you you're not gonna like it yeah and there's so many rules and things and it's like why is it taking so long and it's like just because it just does it just does it just yeah we just we don't have any we didn't have anything to do in 1912. Exactly. It was like, we got to get through this afternoon. We had to evade wolves to get to the stadium, so we're going to stay. We're going to stay.

This is one of the only places to get hot food. We're going to stay. It's just so depressing outside. There's dust everywhere, lines for sugar. Just in here, it's fun. There was a whole lot of dust like 120 years ago yeah it was a dust year time yeah weird yeah i'm trying to get us back there dude i'm trying to bring back the dust bowl that's that's just sort of what i'm gonna be on in 2022 just so you guys

when was when was the dust bowl when wasn't it damn man i never you know i never liked you until just now i know you you text me every day every morning i wake up to a text from sean i don't like you i've been lying this whole time i still don't like you dude yeah just now though you did it i like your parents but yeah i never you never did it for me yeah good job fucking job dude the other thing i've learned about the brits is they have bands and comedians who are so famous there that we've never heard of yeah you guys know who dave is they got this rapper named dave who just goes by dave and they fucking love dave and when you say dave here you're talking about dave matthews band we got a dave right

but they got some dude named dave and he's huge there's a guy there's a rapper there um like proper p or regular p or something and i just know that i only know about him because there was this this video on twitter where he was freestyling on the radio yeah and he started rapping about like ops with ak's and porridge and like it was it was great yeah it made me want to listen to him more but he would like it's just this guy rapping about porridge and it was kevin their rappers are brit are british as fuck they can't escape it they're just also very british are british as fuck they can't escape it they're just also very british porridge is oatmeal right i think so essentially yeah i think so i think you're in the right neighborhood you get porridge if i go to a pub if i go to a proper pub can i just order some porridge or is that like

there's a breakfast food for the most part yeah not so like if i go to like the ihop the whatever the british version of ihop is it's probably IHOP because it's international that's true it is right there in the name let's open a NOP dude the national house of pancakes damn dude isolationist yeah dude

NOP that guy who wants to open a nationalist brand of pancake restaurants is Sean Jordan. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Seen a lot of those. Yeah, man. They're everywhere. Stop biting my shit.

You know, I stole that joke from my buddy Aaron like 20 years ago. The Cougar Melon? And he stole it from Johnny Cougar. Yeah. We all need help, you know? So I'll tell you that. Can I tell you this? Go on.

Yeah. I have a show. I say yes. Chris, can you tell me? Yeah, I mean, we've given you the platform to speak. Harper? Harper, are you cool with it? Zach?

It depends on what it is. If I don't like it, we'll cut it out. Okay, Marissa, are you cool with it? I'm cool with it. All right, let let's go i have a show on sunday this sunday when this comes out it's at helium comedy club it's december 12th and the show that i'm doing i'm doing stand-up with someone boy they're sloppy yeah unsavory disrespectful sure late yeah late slovenly uncouth yeah unkept uh-huh um gross uh brash yeah uh methodical in the least helpful way though just discourteous and disquiet yeah yeah they are um ill-tempered right to put it mildly a handful have we have we said surly it's extremely surly yeah and uh you put all that in a blender and you get mike malloy yeah he'll be there he's gonna be

there is that okay harper can i just stand up with mike below on sunday at helium yeah because by the time this post i will have won his stupid drunk spelling bee that's right yeah he should he should just call it like this is mike's reason to get drunk on thursday you know right i mean so anyway if you please come to the show buy a ticket just to come see how gross mike looks he will look gross his hair he will look like he's a professional athlete who'd like just got back from hawaii and they have to go to practice for the first time in like two weeks and he's like he will be saturnine he will be crabbed disagreeable here's another thing he's just gonna look physically weak yeah physically weak like you could just pick him up and throw him across the room if you wanted because he's such a weak human being physically you can't because he's tough no no no no you can you can

most people can physically dominate mike malloy yeah put him in a headlock like it's nothing yeah come physically dominate mike malloy he's uh make him in a headlock like it's nothing. Come physically dominate Mike Malloy. Make him sit in a puddle. There might be a puddle. Yeah, puddle him up. I'll pee right on the stage. We'll make him sit in that. Come see the rumpled, bedraggled, and windblown Michael Malloy.

Oh, he's windblown for sure. Oh, my God. Yeah, so that's on Sunday. So that, you know, just come hang out. And then Seattle, January 6th at the Crocodile Room. I'll be doing two shows. Nothing else going on that night in Seattle, by the way. Or is that in Portland?

Wait, what? January 6th is in Seattle. You're doing two shows in Seattle. Two shows in Seattle. And last time you sold no tickets. I sold zero. What a come up for you, dude. We had to.

Well, we haven't seen the turnout yet. The last time it was one of those where I got there Bless their heart It wasn't anyone's fault Sometimes it's actually Zero people that show up There weren't even a couple people that showed up And we had to tell them We're going to call the show there's only two of you

There were zero And so it's me and the three comics And they're like we could do a show And I go nah let's enjoy our night we don't have to do that you know it's and then he paid me and i i desperately needed the money but i only took half and i still felt horrible for it uh and i still feel bad for it so you mind if i uh make a Sean? Please. If you don't show up to Sean's show in Seattle, Oh, shit.

the Supersonics will never come back. Oh, that's true. And I heard they're coming back. That's an NBA insider, by the way. It's an NBA insider. I'm inside the NBA. You know what? I'll tell you.

I'm in a good mood, and I love you all so much. This is great. I love you, dude. I miss this. I miss everyone. Chris is drinking out of a mug that says, I love to fart and we're having a good time. We're having a good time. I love to fart. It does say I love to fart.

Yep. I love it too, especially if I'm alone. I love farting, dude. Oh, yeah. I cranked one out while Sammy was still in the... She was still asleep when I got out of the living room. I'm realizing that now that we're in a ranch-style home, I can't go upstairs if I need to make something stink. Just kind of going to be in the kitchen

right out where the bedroom is. Like if I got to go beef one. Step outside. Step outside. It's the mother of your child. Also, I was just going to say the exact opposite. You're a dad now. You can fart wherever you want. Oh, that's opposite you're a dad now you can fart wherever you want that's a good point actually you can do whatever you want

they can stink like crazy I challenge the four of you to cut the cheese somewhere into a conversation today and have it be about a fart oh okay paint me into a corner where I have to make a charcuterie board.

I'll fucking do it, dude. I'm going to a party tonight. Oh, really? Yeah. My friend, CeCe Pleasance, one of the writers on the Late Late Show, James Corden, is having a birthday party. And I'm going. And I'm taking Dame Dana Schwartz. It's going to be fun.

Are you guys bringing your bodies? Are you bringing a charcuterie? I wasn't going to, but if I have to say cut the cheese, I'm going to gloss right over Sean saying my body. You better fart while you're doing it, my friend, because I said it can't be about cheese. So you better fart while you're cutting the cheese and be like, whoa,

looks like I cut them both. The cheeses. You know? One out of my butt. You'll see a show in Seattle January 6th. That's right. Chris Charpentier is here yes sir i am as hell thank you sharpie comedy on twitter sharpie comedy on instagram that's right i appreciate uh you having me i do have a couple things to plug believe it or not can you believe let's get them in there not only is brain thoughts available everywhere make sure you pick up that amazing comedy album thank you sir uh well i've

finally started to get back into doing shows and everything uh and i'm going to have one uh back in denver right around christmas time december 23rd uh a very sharpie christmas is what we're calling it it's at the den Comedy Underground. And if you like comics in Denver, you should probably go to the show because they're all going to be on it. It's going to be fun as hell. Adam, Caden Holland's going to be on it.

And Sam Talent, Nathan Lund, Mara Wiles, Christy Bukley. It's going to be insane. So come to that show. That'll be really fun. What a lineup.

Wow. I know. It's going gonna be the best let me say this let me say this Sharpie real quick if you don't go to that show in Denver NBA Insider Zach Harper Nikola Jokic will retire

December 24th oh my god please he'll retire the next day if you don't go to that show we gotta sell this baby out I heard the same thing independent of Zach Harper and I don't go to that show. We got to sell this baby out. I heard the same thing, Independent with Zach Harper, and I don't really have sources, so that's out there. Holy shit. You have sources.

Denver, if you are listening, we have to sell this thing out because we need the Joker. Bad man. As evidenced by the games that when he's hurt, we need him back. We need him real bad. Sean, I don't have sources. I have the sources.

I have every issue of The Source. Oh, every, every. That's what those are back there. If you arrange the covers, I mean, it says it pretty clearly like he's going to retire if you don't go to the show. It's been a long time.

It's crazy. And then also, this is pretty exciting. I'm starting a show in Los Angeles. We're having the first one. Oh! Yes. Having the first one on January 6th.

It's going to be called Ham. And I'm going to host it. It's brand new. This is all very new. So it's at a place called The Stubborn Nail, which is going to... It's a speakeasy, so you're going to have to RSVP for the fucking address. It's going to be very cool. Also going to be $10. Super fun lineup. super fun lineup specialty cocktails it's gonna be dope now that's an

evening that sounds fantastic absolutely so yeah keep uh keep an eye out for both of those i'll be advertising soon uh all that stuff on my social so keep an eye out it's gonna be dope i'm very excited to start doing a show in la again i love that go have yourself a time that sounds fantastic uh zach harper is here talk hoops on twitter yep talk hoops on instagram yep uh the voice of the athletic sure am host of the cinephobe not like sean jordan has so repeatedly called it a different name, which I won't even mention now out of respect and deference to you, Zach Harper, my friend.

Thank you. Pedophobe. I kept calling it that, and I was wrong. That's a real different podcast. I mean, of the two, that's the one you want to be on the side of it is it is yeah i'll give you another intro here just so you don't have to try to build off the back of that host of the cinephobe podcast zach harper here i am and beba prognosticator how are you buddy how's your hanukkah been

my hanukkah has been fantastic yeah hell yeah light menorahs yep i was gonna sleep in today but you threw out the the afe signal and i and i it's my one day off we came up with we came up with first of all thank you so much yeah for joining us on your one day off off we came up with we came up with first of all thank you so much yeah for joining us on your one day off but we came up with this topic there it felt like there was some urgency to it for some reason or another and we knew the only thing that would make it perfect we already had sharpie for drafting nicholas cage anything yeah we'd have Zach Harper on here. I appreciate it. When I got a text notification, it said Ian Carmel. And I thought, God, here he is hitting me up for money again.

It was a sigh, and I just felt a little bad for having that reaction. Then I saw the text. Oh, my God. Here we are. Okay. I do need to borrow $8,000. Okay. You know, it's been a while. I do need to borrow $8,000. Okay. You know, it's been a while since I've had to ask someone for money, but that is one

of the worst texts to have to say. I hate it so much. It's been a minute. It's tough, man. I got shut down in Portland a couple times back in the day. I was trying to borrow like 20 bucks here and there, and I would borrow it from the big dog. And one time I just hit him up. I was like, borrow like 20 bucks here and there, and I would borrow it from the big dog. And one time I just hit him up.

I was like, hey, man, you know, it'd become a regular thing like once a month, probably I'd borrow 20 bucks till Friday. And one time he's like, I can't do it, man. And my heart dropped. I was like, oh, I feel like such a loser. Because I know he had 20 bucks. He's probably just like, I got to cut.

I got to stop doing this. I got to stop giving Sean his $20 payday loan so he can drink on Thursdays. Anyway, I digress. We're in the middle of heist month on cinephobe i love it heist month yeah so we did uh we did red notice um which is why i mentioned red notice earlier we watched red notice uh we did three thousand miles to graceland i don't know if you guys have seen that is that a nicholas cage movie no it should be though it should be wait kurt russell and um not antonio bender no woody harrelson no kurt uh kevin costner kevin costner shit i was gonna say kevin costner yeah everybody here believes me christian slater courtney cox

uh bulking woodbine. Yeah, it's a... Bokeem Woodbine made it in there. Ice-T's in there, Thomas Hayden Church, Kevin Pollack. It's an incredible cast. What a piece of shit movie. It is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Nicolas Cage should definitely be in it. Yeah, it's crazy that he's not.

Inside Man, you guys hit Inside Man yet? No, it doesn't qualify. So, Sean, for Cinephobe, my podcast, not Cinephile or Pedophobe or whatever you want to call it. Cinephobe. We have to have...

We have a criteria. It's got to be 40% or lower for Rotten Tomatoes audience or critic score. Then it qualifies. So we don't do good movies. That's right uh or movies that are rated well i'm gonna hope that sean knew that and instead was just throwing spike lee and denzel washington under the bus you think that's what i'm hoping he's razzing him i think he's razzing spike lee i knew it but i didn't know it know it you know like as you say it i'm like of

course but i i completely i cut the cheese on that one that's my bad i really farted on that one it was a real brain cheese cutting moment right there really cut the cheese with my brain on that one sorry yeah there was somebody who posted their spotify year end and uh a lot of you first of all by the way thank you so much everyone who listens yeah seeing all those like spotify year ends all the time you've spent with us it really like it really drives home how, I mean, to say on Sean Jordan, how special this all is, how much of a beautiful community

has sprung up around this podcast and how much of your lives you spend to choose with us and listen to us just carry on about cutting the cheese or whatever. Thank you so much for that it really really really means the world i will say there was somebody where afe was number two and cinephobe was number one and they thank they thanked us for introducing them to cinephobe their number one podcast and uh i just want to file this grievance with both that person and uh zach harper um how dare either of you yeah

how dare you how very dare you i guess sorry for being dope i don't i like i don't know what to apologize here for um sorry for connecting with people and making them feel and making them love and you know if i may if i may zach yeah not to trample all over you, but I'm going to, because I got to say this podcast, AFE, one, there's a nice gentleman out there, Abel, this guy,

he introduced it to this gal. Her name is Renee. She listened to the podcast. She liked the podcast. She's like, Oh, I like this podcast. They do this show called faded,

I guess in Denver or in LA. I'm going to go to that pod or to that show. She did. We met, we fell in love uh so all because of that podcast so something cinephobe has never done nothing she's never even listened to it i guarantee she's never listened to it no way actively do try to tear relationships apart so yeah it would be a it's a very different vibe yeah and there's the difference. Snow Angel, and then you come in and draw little horns on it. That's what you guys do. A snoopy little devil

that loves to divorce. Horns is the word I couldn't think of earlier. You'll notice how I said if you draw little spikes on the top because I could not think of horns. I said spikes. What an idiot. Horns was what I was looking for there we go horns was the word we were looking for horns uh sean you still have the board my name is ian

carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish hanukkah oh hanukkah come light the menorah hanukkah oh hanukkah we'll all dance the horror app happy hanukkah everyone moe tour do you guys watch all dance the Hora. App. Happy Hanukkah, everyone. Do you guys watch Pen15? No. I've seen the first season. Loved it. A Bat Mitzvah episode just came out. It's fantastic. Anyway, remind me because it's Hanukkah.

Robot Mitzvah? Damn. Now what is that? It's when a robot gets Bat Mitzvahed. Or Bat Mitzvahed. A female robot gets Bat Mitzvahed. It's when she becomes a machine. went over to my friend adrian's house the other night and she made latkes and applesauce it's a real treat that applesauce was fire yeah best applesauce i've ever had by a long way she made applesauce yeah it was really really really good yeah i'm not a huge

applesauce guy and i was like this is fucking excellent i don not a huge applesauce guy and i was like this is fucking excellent i don't know any applesauce guys so it'd be yeah you know two of them i'm an applesauce guy my dad is an applesauce guy yeah i like i'm not saying i like applesauce but i'm not saying i'm not like an apple i don't even know where it's at in the grocery store come on dude that's a good point john i also have no idea where it is in the grocery store. You can call it applesassy? Come on, dude. That's a good point, Sean. I also have no idea where it is in the grocery store. I would have no idea what aisle applesauce

is in. I would guess by the peanut butter for some reason. I don't know why I would guess that, but that's where I would guess. It depends on your grocery store. It depends on which green grocer you're frequenting. You can find it near the peanut butter sometimes. Where you will find your preserved fruits and vegetables,'s often near there your fruit medley in can with syrup that makes sense yeah that makes sense interesting i like my mom used to sneak it in like

as the vegetable i know it's apple but like i think she would sneak it in as the healthy portion of my dinner back in the day like i had like a tuna helper and bread and then some applesauce yeah and milk did you guys used to no we've covered this milk did you guys drink milk when you were growing like with dinner like a big oh yeah for sure lots of milk we used to get it delivered in glass did you really that's not awesome i swear yeah really and we had a little milk box on our front porch. They would just drop it off. How old are you? Sharpie?

Well, his screen froze. But I'll answer that for you. He's 91. 91 years old. He's celebrating his 91st birthday today. Oh, my internet is messed up. Your screen froze. So Sean asked how old you are, and I filled him in.

Today you're celebrating your 91st birthday. Oh, perfect. See, I heard that and did say I'm 100 and something. I made the joke. Oh, we made the same joke, but'm actually i'm only 38 so 38 years young that's right but yeah we used to get i think they still get it delivered i'm not sure that's amazing it is pretty fun i've fantasized for most of my life about hitting a glass bottle of milk with a baseball bat in my parents kitchen dude and then being able to leave and not clean it up yeah yeah my birthday laura got me a smash

room thing which is where you go break stuff and you we did all that i mean we didn't have milk joke but like bottles of wine beer bottles the whole thing just smashing them it was sick with a bottle of wine right no no not full okay you could you could probably bring it in they'd let you do it are you allowed to listen to music were you listening to like mop and like the mx not only are you allowed they force it's like it's like uh it feels like you're in a movie where like do you ever like seven the knife scene in seven where they go down the stairs into that club that's what it sounds the music was like like rob zombie or something and it was playing so loud through the whole thing like somebody was trying to kill somebody and they didn't want anyone to hear it so yes you have

to listen to music they won't let you i'm gonna need them to play i would need to play like up in here they'll let you play whatever i wasn't ready for a playlist. I was like, just play whatever. And it was, you know, my alley is pretty wide when I'm breaking stuff with a bat. How long are you in there? They give you, you buy buckets of stuff. So you go by the bucket. So like we bought two buckets of like plates, beer bottles, wine bottles, just candles. How big are these buckets? Like, you know, like those like like a home depot bucket yeah

like a painter would have a driving rage yes it is it's that exactly what it is in rage yeah that's what i said driving rage a driving rage yeah man i'll go get the ma i'll fucking get it will you go get it please i haven't seen it in a while. I don't want to do it again. You know what it looks like. Eddie will bring it at some point. Yeah, Eddie will bring it. And they have a back room where they have a list of stuff, like stereos, TVs, fax machines, and they're all like $5, $8, or whatever. So you can office space it if you want.

So it's pretty rad. I recommend it. Sean, I turn 40 next month. I'm also going to a smash room but it's a different kind of smash yeah he's gonna go have sex with snooki and jwoww i sure am yep that's look it's my 40th i'll spend it how i want to okay snooki and jwoww the whole time i just yell this is the situation yeah this was yeah yeah dude i went to for your 40th birthday we have to do something is there a party festivity yeah we'll do for your 40th birthday? We have to do something.

Is there a party, a festivity? Yeah, we'll do something. I'm going to go somewhere, but I'm going to come back and we'll do something. When you come back, we're going to plan a little shindig, if you will. You guys should come to Portland and celebrate it, huh? How about you come to LA, you fucking fraud? How about I do? How about we set up a live AFP and I come to LA?

Oh. Yeah. All right. Be pretty easy, I think. And that's the way that I'm getting down there. I can't. This is the thing. I have to be able to be like,

I'm going to work, you know, and then what am I not going to play while I'm at work? You know, it's a fun job. Lie to her. Tell her a big lie. You tell her you're doing a live AFE. You come down.

Oh, it was too drunk of an episode can't release it not even on patreon yeah i can't even say it that's a tough lie i'm gonna tell her some implications about the government that we can't air legally tell her ian ian has shingles and i need to be there for some reason not gonna work shingles yeah i don't care i'll fucking i'll get shingles the The Irish can't get shingles. We're impervious. I know that's not true. It's not.

You invented shingles. Enough about shingles. We're not here to talk about adult chicken pox or whether or not the Irish can run afoul of them. But to draft movie roles that we would replace with Sir Nicholas Cage. Mm-hmm. Now, Nicholas Cage was just cast as Vladimir Dracula in the movie Renfield, which... That'll be good.

Sounds fantastic. I can't wait. I had only a marginal interest in that movie, and now I have an extreme interest in that movie. If I can't weasel my way into the premiere of this movie yeah i'm gonna go on a rampage you've never seen i don't know if i can talk about this but i might know someone who might have done punch up oh on the script oh okay i can't say who and i can't say i because i don't know for a lot of to talk about this. It's Joe Pesci. It's Joe Pesci and Joe Piscopo.

And Joanne Schindlerly. It's those three together. I'd love to see Joe Piscopo's punch up of a script. Why not bad, dude? You know, freaking funny guy. Joe Piscopo? Is he a bodybuilder? No, he's not a bodybuilder.

He is now, kind of. Yeah, he was, wasn't he? He was on SNL. Joe Piscopo? Yeah, he was, wasn't he? No, he was on SNL. He was on SNL. He was a comedian who was fit. Joe Piscopo was on SNL? Yes. Oh, yeah.

He was a fit guy, for sure, but he was not a bodybuilder. I thought he was a professional bodybuilder. Yeah, he's a bodybuilder like Carrot Tops a bodybuilder. Who's Joe Piscopo? He was on SNL. Who the hell is Joe Piscopo? Well, like the 80s, right? Late 80s, right?

Yeah, he played Frank Sinatra on there before Phil Hartman did. Yeah. I can't be thinking of it. The person in my head can't be who you're talking about. No, I don't think it is. No. Is he Asian? I'm kidding.

Well, yeah, so maybe it is. Yeah. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors played between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissors shoot oh Sean wins Sean Jordan wins and a natural

scissors over two papers Sean Jordan has the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that. I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. Well, I'll tell you what that is. It's just for those who don't know. If you guys ever play Red Rover, Red Rover,

let whoever come over. So say you're playing Red Rover, and you say, let Jason come over, and Jason runs from one side to the other. And then he hops in the chain, or he tries to break through. But if he doesn't break through, he has to join the chain. And then you examine the side that you're on. And then somebody on the other side yells, Red Rover, Red Rover, let Cynthia come over. And Cynthia happens to be on the other side of the now bigger Red Rover wall

because Jason is on one side. So Cynthia runs across to the other side, tries to break through. She fails. So she has to join the wall so it gets a little bigger on the other side. And then on my side... Isn't Cynthia a little old to be playing Red Rover?

Well... You know, a couple kids, divorced. It's like you got to find your fun where you can find it okay you know she's going to the movies she got a babysitter you do you play at the level of your competition so cynthia did still did not break through so now you examine the other side and you go all the way to the right and you see xavier and you're like xavier doesn't have a ton of friends so you go red rover Red Rover, Red Rover. Let Xavier come over. And Xavier comes tearing ass across and tries to break through the hands.

But Jason's got a firm grip on Cecilia, who he tried to break through. But he's in love with her. I bet he does. Yeah, firm grip. So Xavier fails to break through. So he has to join the ever-growing wall of Red Rover on this side. And then you examine and just find someone from the other side and kind of of go back and forth that had to that that had to explain it that had to well basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second

round now sean with that in mind what will the order of today's draft be i don't i'm so it's one where i want to go first but i don't want you guys to make fun of me i'm gonna i know it's gonna happen this whole time i want to go first because i it's fun i like this idea but i don't want you guys to make fun of me. I'm gonna. I know it's going to happen this whole time. I want to go first because I, it's fun. I like this idea, but I don't want to go first. I'm putting you first.

Whoa, executive decision. Yeah, you're first. Because I believe in you. All right. I'm first. Harper, Sharpie, Ian. Hot corner. Now, when Sean was so perfectly explaining what a serpentine drafted.

I sure was. And he did. Mars, I don't know if you're going to be able to hear this when it happened, but my dog is sitting at my feet. And my dog farted so long and so loudly. And it smells really so bad right now. Yeah. I hope it came through.

Because, I mean, it was loud to where, like, I definitely heard it. Oh, I hope so, too. And I feel like everyone will have heard it. So maybe, I don't know, you might need to turn it up a little bit. But it was a good three-second fart that you could hear. If it's audible, I'm going to crank it. I'm going to crank it. Thank God.

You know, Ian and I, during this pandemic, we went live. Don't speak to me. We went live on Instagram one time, you and I. Remember that? We were messing around, went live. I doth. And somebody, I've never confessed to this until right now, somebody in the comments goes, did someone fart?

And we were both like, no, I did. I farted. You need to fucking take responsibility for that if you're on an Instagram live with me, because I'm a chubby guy and people are going to think it was i was nervous and because you're like no i didn't fart and you asked me i was like no and then we just moved on we glossed over it and i was like you just lied and it's been bugging me for like a year this is a fucking betrayal wow people are gonna think it's me no nobody thought yes they do they still people thought they heard a fart and they're gonna associate it with the fatter of the guys. Even if I lost weight.

I thought it was Ian. Everyone's going to think the fat guy farted. I did it. Everyone always thinks the fat guy farted. I did it. I was the one who farted. I don't know that people in general think that it's always the fat person. But you want it to be the fat person because it's funny.

It's funnier if it's the fat guy for sure. People often assume it's the fat guy though. I'll tell you that from experience. I'll tell you who it was. It was a big fat liar, me. But even us small guys, by evidence of my luck, we heart to fart. We heart to do.

We heart to fart. We all heart to fart. We all heart to fart. I mean, I do heart to fart. I talked about it earlier on this episode. Sean Jordan, you have the first pick in the movie roles we would replace with Nicolas Cage, All Fans Say Everything Draft, and we'll get to that pick right after

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The only podcast that ever exists. This is it. Except of course, for Cinephobe. Ah, and any other podcast you might hear zach harper i'm lending his basketball expertise he is an expert yeah but those are it now that now that oh thank you baby is it an oat milk flat white oh hey like that f e on brought me the exact kind of coffee i

like sean we're leaving oh you guys both took a drink at the exact same time yeah we did we're in sync dude dana this is cool um i'm just joking baby i was doing a little joke for the podcast i was doing a little joke. Well, Ian's computer turned off. Ian is no longer on this podcast. It's just us guys.

He comes back with a flashlight under his chin. All the other lights are off. He's like, I'm sorry. Why is it dark out? Dana turned into Dark Phoenix after a yoke. Anyway, yeah. I mean, now the sports bullies is gone. It's pretty much just afe and and and cinephile that's it that's right that's it uh sean jordan what will your first pick be the world wants to know so and just so it's roles where we think nicholas cage would be better than the

person who did it right it's kind of open but what we're doing is we're taking one actor out of a movie role and we're putting nicholas cage in there instead so what i the first thing immediate because when you when you said when you propose this i was like fuck that's weird that'll be fun but the first thing it jumped into my mind almost immediately because i've thought this before so in die hard yeah there's this dude ellis who he this guy who like gives. McClain the watch. He's like her sidekick. He's always sucking up to Mr. Takagi. And he meets Bruce Willis at Nakatomi Plaza.

And he's the guy that's doing blowing shit. And he's like, show him the watch. That guy. He goes, Hans, boobie, I'm your guy. My whole life, I'm like, Nicholas, that is Nicholas Cage. I'm sure when they were casting that, they're like, we'd love to get Nicholas Cage, but we already got Bruce Willey on board. We already got Alan Rickman.

Our budget's used, so let's just get this guy who is a poor man's Nick Cage with a beard. But Nick Cage in that role would have been phenomenal. That's a great pick. Sean replacing Hart Buckner was the name of the actor. Hart Buckner? Hart? with a beard but nick cage in that role would have been phenomenal that's a great sean replacing hart bockner was the name of the actor yes hart hart bockner heart to fart heart to fart bockner to fart is his legal middle name so that's you think you're hot to try well i'm hard to fart so sharpey's actually drinking out of a mug that just celebrates yeah the other the other side is a picture of him right exactly yeah that guy i just see nick cage with us it was like

pouty lips and like his cocky air about him just hans booby like oh he's so so good and he's crazier he's got that weird eye so he looks like he's on coke all the time he probably is but i just it's a darker energy i mean anytime you can get nicholas cage doing coke i think you're where you want to be yeah yeah absolutely yeah i just i he would he would have killed that role and then getting to see like him and bruce willie together would be fun i can't i bet they've done some i'm sure but anyway i've always for years i've thought that nick cage would have been perfect in that role. The thing about Hart Bochner, I'm not here to, I like your pick,

but I do want to celebrate Hart Bochner. Perfect smarm. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Perfect smarm, dude. Because a lot of these, you know, they're already like, a lot of my picks anyways are like, they're good, but I just think Nick cage bumps him up yeah but yeah that dude he arguably my favorite part of the movie is him in those two scenes one the one where he's like

show him the watch where he might as well pull his dick out and put it on the table you know like show him the watch and then the other part where he's like hans booby ellis ellis what'd you tell them ellis these guys aren't your friends and he's just on the other line like i don't know what he's doing and then he slowly realizes that they're gonna kill him and oh it's such a sad scene but anyway i might have to dial up die hard tomorrow and i'm hung over man nick cagewood yeah you know i got three shows today i might i might be joining you in the ranks of hungover tomorrow hung over hungover uh yeah so ellis and die hard would

be better if it was nick cage i love that pick okay cool so i got one so you can make fun of me for the rest of them at least harper all right this is immediately what came to mind okay when this was thrown out there i think you'll let me get away with it because I do think it genuinely makes a great movie even better. I'm worried that you're about to take something that I wanted to take. So Jurassic Park. No. Oh, man, that was on my list. I want him to replace the T-Rex.

Oh, I want him to be T-Rex size and acting like a T-Rex, but I want Nicholas Cage as the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. That's my pick. That's you almost chasing the Jeep. You see the reflection in the in the rearview mirror

the side mirror her. You see him eat the goat. I want Nicholas Cage as the T-Rex in Jurassic Park her eating a lawyer. the side mirror. You see him eat the goat. I want Nicolas Cage as the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Eating a lawyer? That's his T-Rex run? Roar. Roar.

Him doing a T-Rex run would be really great great i'd pay money to see him do that run him do yeah he's got the arms up here yeah he'd totally commit oh my god he would completely commit to it him fighting the raptors in the in the hall yeah at the end him roaring as the banner comes down roar roar As the banner falls. Him snorting the hat right off of Sam Neill. Yeah. Yeah. Sure would.

Maybe snorting some other stuff, too. Maybe making some choices. Maybe making some choices as an actor. Yeah. Watching him bite a tire flat. Seeing the glass of water shake, and it's because Nicolas Cage is walking up. I bet that happens in real life for sure yeah but if you're eating it like i don't know what's la's weirdest restaurant someplace you

eat in the dark or something like that a restaurant that you have to be wearing a leather trench coat to eat at i bet if you see your water it means nicholas cage is there nick cage seems like the kind of guy who would get that script for jurassic park it would say, Nicholas Cage is the T-Rex. And he would call his agent and he would be like, now this isn't a no, but I'd like some clarification on how I'm supposed to play a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I feel like Nicholas Cage is the kind of guy who gets a script that says, Nicholas Cage for Dr. Ian Malcolm and says,

I have an idea. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. I love that pick. I think you and I, our heads are in the same place on this draft. All right. Okay.

Perfect. Yeah. Mine's not. Sharpie type of your first pick. Okay. I have some interest. This was, I feel like I, with you guys, I wasn't sure which way I should go. Sharpie type of your first pick. Okay. I have some interest. This was,

I feel like I, with you guys, I wasn't sure which way I should go. There's like a funny route, sincere route. So I'm going to go with the one. I'm going to go with the first sincere where I think he should, we can,

this one's good on all levels. It's a good movie. We're taking out someone who sucks. We're putting in Nick cage. Cause I think he would be good. Yeah. We're going to take out Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. Oh, that's such a good pick. Great pick.

Kevin Spacey sucks. That movie rips. He'd be fucking good in that movie. He'd be really weird in that movie. It's a weird role. He'd be fucking creepy. Yeah. He'd be good.

So that's maybe my only sincere pick, but'm gonna go ahead i wish that i wish i could see that movie he's great as like um like a uh uh down on his luck dad you know like in um the weatherman i think or no family man um and then he can also get real ripped up and be a confident, like, cocky dude, which that's, like, covers the emotions of that movie. So that's great. That is such a good pick. And, like, even without Kevin Spacey being a sex pest, which he is, I still think he'd be better in that role. Yeah. He'd be really good.

He'd be really good. I went mostly off of hairline. That's how I picked my friend. Yeah, that off of hairline. That's how I picked my... Yeah, that's a hairline-based pick for sure. Probably the right way to get into this draft. Sharpie's next pick is going to be him as the wide receiver for the 49ers in the 1980s. He's going to replace Jerry Ryan. Just going bald on the top half of your head.

How are you doing it? How is the full head of hair at the very... You know what I mean? That 80s bald dude look where you're like, it's solid. It's like Last of the Mohicans where you're like, how's your hair naturally growing like that?

That is fantastic, Sharpie. That's a great pick. I immediately thought of the scene where he's jacking off in his sleep and Annette Bening wakes him up and is like, what are him up and he's like what are you doing he's like i'm ready i'm here i can just picture nick cage in that role with like that just exacerbated like like look i'm trying to i want to fuck my wife kind of thing and just like

he would kill that role that's a great great pick that weird sexual tension moment with the neighbor at the end i think about that that would be yes really like that. That would be really intense. More intense than it was, I feel like. Him working at the fast food place would be dope. You don't get to tell me what to do ever again. That's such a good pick, dude. That's fantastic. Thank you. It's time for

my first and second picks as it is a serpentine draft. Get goofy. I have followed Zach Harper out on this. I'm excited. Exciting sentence. I think, now I would hate to rob the world of the original, so I would just like this to be a remake. But I will replace the role of John Travolta in the movie Face Off.

That was my next pick. Nicolas Cage. Oh my God. Two Nicolas Cages taking each other's faces. I also have it. Everything else is the same. Yep.

That was going to be my crazy. I could have saved the T-Rex and taken that number one. I didn't have T-Rex on the list. That is such a great pick. That is such a better but different movie. Face Off is perfect. It's perfect.

But if you're both Nicolas Cage, they're twins? There's no other actor who would take that script seriously. Wait, are they twins? Well, no. No. actor who would take that script seriously wait are they twins they're well no no no no one's an fbi agent and the other one is a uh is a world-class terrorist are we acting like they look different yeah they're just guys who look alike yeah there's nothing but they still swap faces yeah okay so they're not twins they're straight they're strangers except for their working

relationship and that they cop and robber and they look just dangerously similar. I think he'd make some hair choices. Yeah, he would. He sure would. But yeah, they're still taking their face off. Everyone's like, why? It's like looking in a mirror. Only not.

He could still eat a peach for hours. All that's the same. If I were to let you suck my tongue is one of the worst things i i mean i love it's great but it's like oh my god i feel like i would just poop if i heard someone say that be like it just came out it's so offensive but i think i think i couldn't help but be like, all right. I'll suck your tongue. It's such a weird thing to throw at someone. But I would be so off guard.

I would guess I would just do it. Yeah, you might only get one ride on this roller coaster called life. You know what I mean? You want to take every twist and turn. Yeah. You're not going to suck Nicolas Cage's tongue. You're going to suck Nicolas Cage's tongue. I would do it. Catch me later tonight. then i'll yeah you try to get it he pulls it away oh now now there's the scene where

they're towards the end when they're fighting and they're like choking each other but it's two nick cages choking each other oh my god yeah now it's now it's a now it's an erotic thriller yeah now do you change them out Like, just one has a mustache? Or do you just, like, they're just two Nick Cages? I think one has a soul patch. Yeah, they do. Okay. Yeah.

That also fits the time very well. Just, like, doesn't that guy that looks like Harry Mandela in the movie have a soul patch? Yeah, there's got to be soul patches in that movie. Yeah, but now Nick Cage has one, too. Bullet hole, of course. Except it's right next to his butthole. Evil Nicolas Cage shot me in the butt.

So if you could please put that butthole bullet scar back to my butt. This is maybe the most recent movie that is going to get drafted here. And let me know if this is okay to do. Because it's a documentary oh okay yeah okay of course i'm already in and i'm going to it's it's actually an academy award winning documentary so this is also an oscar winner i'm going to replace the role of the octopus in my octopus teacher i never no i never thought it's about a really smart octopus well it's with nicholas cage just to finish my sentence it is a it's a documentary about a guy oh crying who goes i did not go this

route i gotta get weird this guy who goes to the ocean to like he builds this relationship with an octopus and kind of along the way learns how smart octopi are and like you know and they forge it's a friendship with an octopus basically a real weird friendship he was like he wants yeah he wants to fuck that octopus yeah he wants to fuck that octopus in this movie this guy is going into the waters off of south africa scuba diving and and he encounters a Nicolas Cage living under the sea, building himself a habitat out of shells, seeing the octopus grow, seeing the octopus get injured, fight to the brink of death, come back, and learns a lot about himself along the way. But the whole time it's Nicolas Cage under that water. Unspeaking. Does he have eight limbs?

Or does he just have two arms and two legs? It's just a naked Nicolas Cage. Fully nude. Because the octopus is naked. He doesn't have eight limbs, but it's a naked Nicolas Cage. He's got five limbs.

He's got three legs and two arms. Big ol' swingin' hog. And it's just him under the water, dude. And an intense Nicolas Cage. Real smart, like he's shifty. Getting attacked by a shark in one of the scenes. For whatever reason, I'm picturing him like octopus or kind of like real you know

just like they have no form he also just kind of has no form he's no form until he needs to escape and then he's out he's gone yeah pull himself into a crevasse where does he move where does his body like direct from is it... It's in the middle of his body? It's his tailbone. It's his axis. So you can see he's like... And then he just... Like somebody doing a tuck.

A diver. Where does he ink? You know where he inks. You know where he inks. Come on now. Come on, man. Where the bad boys ink. I get it.

Come on, man. You've made devil spikes in the snow. You know where he inks. Come on now. We're the bad boys, Inc. I get it. Come on, man. You've made devil spikes in the snow. You know where he inks. That's where he's inking. Horns was the word I couldn't grab. Yeah, so it's Nicolas Cage as the octopus in My Octopus Teacher. I like how the fact that that was a documentary was the part that was going to make it not work. Right, yeah.

I might be stretching the rules. This was a documentary was the part that was going to make it not work. Right. I might be stretching the rules. This is a documentary. It might not be my only documentary pick. Stay tuned. Sharpie, time for your second pick. Fuck. This is tough, dude. Yeah.

I just thought of a goofy one because of you two, so I'm excited for my next pick now. Is it a goofy movie? I got some real goofy ones for sure. Okay, I'm going to do that. I'm going to go with this one. This might be my goofiest one. It doesn't matter. I'm going with, I don't know the name of the actor,

but the baby from Baby's Day Out. So just that. so just look yep baby's day out just Nick crawling around it's been a long time since I've seen it

so I don't really remember a lot of the details but I know that him crawling around in a diaper pretending to be a baby would be pretty fucking funny. Yeah. It's a baby who kind of escapes his house and just has a little day out in the city, right? Yeah, just kind of Mr. McGrooves' way around, right? Yeah, exactly.

Is it a live-action movie or is it animated? It's a live-action movie. It's a real baby. Live-action. Mm-hmm. Oh, so I want to know who voices the baby Is it a live action movie or is it animated? It's a live action movie. It's a real baby. Live action. Oh, so I want to know who voices the baby. Because Joe Montagna's in there. Joey Pants is in there. I don't know that the baby has a voice, does he?

It's not like a look who's talking situation. It's another voiceless. Watch the baby go around. Nick Cage is having a different day out if he's that baby. But Nick Cage can do voiceless. I don't know a different day out if he's that baby. But Nick Cage can do voiceless. I don't know if you've seen Wally's Wonderland, but he doesn't speak at all in that movie. He's a lead character. Now I bet you that was the hardest thing he's

ever done. He's going to have to do it as the octopus also. That's true. The octopus and the baby. Not a lot of speaking roles for our Nick Cage. I love him in a diaper. I'm already in. it could have been anything yeah not a not a lot i need to explain about that one i feel like it's him on a diaper pretty clear i think it's fully again fully commit to it yeah oh yeah absolutely this is

the goofy shit i needed today he probably insists on some breastfeeding scenes that would be the only thing that would be different about the movie. I'm hungry. Even if it's offset, he's breastfeeding. You know what I mean? He's like full method. I also pictured like Con Air Nick Cage for this one. Long hair, big beard. I like that.

He would have the breast craft services tape as it were uh harper time to follow up your t-rex and jurassic park pick all right it's christmas time yeah okay so i'm gonna go for a christmasy movie simply having a wonderful one uh-huhhuh. So, uh, I'll just come out and say it. The first movie is the exact same casting, okay? Exact same casting, but in the sequel, Nick Cage plays Kevin McAllister, Home Alone 2,

Lost in New York. There's no explanation for why he doesn't look like Macaulay Culkin, but it's Nick Cage just running around like everyone's treating him like a child. Everyone's, you know, the pigeon lady, you know, the sticky bandits, the toy shop owner, everything. He's just fighting adults with toys. Yeah, he's fighting adults with toys and paint cans. And he's like, you know, grifting Tim Curry in the hotel and everything.

Like, yeah, it's Nick Cage as Kevin McAllister. And there is no explanation for why it's not Macaulay Culkin. Nick Cage slides under Tim Curry's legs. Just says what's up to president to ex president Trump. He's got the talk boy, you know, that whole thing. Yeah.

He's, he's doing the, he's making the guy dance in the shower. God, that's right. Good pick. Good pick. I'd really like to see that movie. Yeah.

I think it's a better movie. Completely befriending the pigeon woman. But yeah, Nick Cage and her going back, he'd be like, oh, good for them. They found love. You know, he's throwing bricks at Danieliel stern yeah from a second story yeah the sticky bandits might end up dead in this version of the movie yeah there's a little more there's a little too much oomph in this one yeah it becomes a murder somebody dies because pesci's not gonna have fucking pesci's in the second one right yeah yeah pesci's not gonna have nicholas cage turning up the heat

without him turning up the heat. No, exactly. He'll let a kid turn up the heat, but he's not going to let Nicolas Cage turn up the heat. Right. He's got script notes all of a sudden. My dog just cut the cheese once again. You took the challenge within the hour. He took the challenge. There's nothing I can do about mean, it's... A plus on your report card.

He took the challenge. There's nothing I can do about that. Boogie is out here. Are you okay? He's just sitting there. Okay. He's also got an open stomach wound. It doesn't make any sense

because you feed him the same food every day. So why some days... Same food every day. Yeah, why are some days fart days? I don't know. Or some days cutting the cheese days. Cutting the cheese days. That is a good point.

Yeah, Kevin McAllister. Home alone too. I love the best cut in the cheese days. That is a good point. We're almost talking about Home Alone 2. I love that. All right. Sean Jordan. Well, I'm going to get goofy and I thought of this one because we're getting goofy.

Do you, baby? In the movie Twister, I want Nick Cage to be the F5 tornado at the end. I don't even know if he... I think, honestly, it's just his name in the credits as the tornado. You don't see him? He's not out there on a miniature set?

I don't think so. Maybe if you pause it, it's like how it says you can convince yourself the leaves in the Lion King say sex. If you pause a certain part of Twister, you can see nick cage's face in the tornado yeah other than that it's just the name and the credits well now is he making the noises is he voicing like noises of the tornado yeah so

yes so instead of the tornado make it's no cage going like boom crash and then there's i'm gonna pick up this cow yeah it'll like it's the tornado going get that cow and just you're like was that the cage because you can't it's not as audible as everybody else you but it's barely there and you're like why does he have kind of a southern accent by the way i don't know man man. I don't think he's from there. He's a Coppola. He's a Coppola. Where are they from?

L.A.? The Bay? Didn't he already buy his grave in New Orleans? In New Orleans. So he wants to be southern. Yeah. When David Borey, currently in Bolivia, was doing his special in New Orleans. I went, and before I met up with David, I flew in, and I went straight to the cemetery

and checked out. It's like this pyramid mausoleum thing, and it was like going to Mecca. It was a religious experience. It's great. You have your luggage still? Yeah. I might sleep here tonight. It was like a three million dollar plot that he bought or something long beach that makes the least sense out of anything i've ever heard

man i don't know why but him being born in long beach is really funny to me yeah yeah i mean he's he's a legitimate coppola yeah yeah like he's he's just part of the gang it's just wild he could have easily been in sublime if he had followed a different path easily what bands should we wouldn't engage we get in that's the next draft we'll just record it right after this one i got a couple hours to keep it rolling dude he'll be he's the front man for Cage Against the Machine. He went to Beverly Hills High School. Dude, that's so fucking weird.

And he talks like this. You got to watch him in fast times. That's the only time you get in a normal Nicolas Cage where you're like, okay, this is just a normal kid. And then whatever, Peggy Sue got married maybe or something. But as soon as he had his first weird role, he was just off the charts weird. I don't know.

Anyway, so he's the tornado and twister. I was proud to think of that. This one's back to normal, but it's a twist. So in Pulp Fiction, there's the diner scene. There's the diner scene at the end with tim roth and the i forget the woman's name yeah nick cage is the woman now it's a gay couple with the suitcase so i want nick cage to be the woman uh because she goes more nuts in that scene

than tim roth does she's like i want all you mother you know she's the one screaming so i want that to be nicholas cage and his partner is Tim Roth and together they rob the diner at the end with the suitcase. Love that. That's so progressive. It's so, yeah, I'm all in. Honey Bunny is Amanda Plummer is the actor's name.

Okay, I didn't know that. I wasn't going to get it. Has she, I don't know. She did great, but that's all I can think of her from. Is she in So I Married an Axe Murderer? I vaguely remember her as the sister. Yeah. That movie doesn't get nearly enough credit. That's a great movie.

Anyway, yeah, I think Nick Cage being Tim Roth's partner in the diner scene at the end is spot on. I think he would feel it. He'd be perfectly crazy. Yeah, I think it would be fun. Amanda Plummer, Joe vs. the Volcano, dude? Really? I just learned that not too long ago. and uh yeah i think it would i think it would be fun amanda plumber joe versus the volcano dude

really i just learned that not too long ago and she's a uh she's a stage actor she has a lot of stage actoring yeah well i want it to be nick cage standing up on the table screaming at everyone taking their wallets trying to get the suitcase screaming nick cage is like is that the best nick cage i think so have you seen mandy i haven't seen mandy so they're like mandy's a very slow like art house movie but it picks up about an hour in when nick cage just starts going to cage and there's this infamous bathroom scene now where he just goes fucking nuts and it's it is brilliant like it's legitimately a great movie and he's incredible in it well i know the wicker man that he was in is like a bad movie but i love it what is it what is a good movie

if i'm if i'm fascinated the entire time i'm watching it is that a bad movie no it's a good movie it's a good movie right fuck this shit bothers me because people say it's a bad movie but i love it then don't call it a bad movie that you love it why how's it bad it doesn't make any sense to me it's same thing with guilty pleasures like no it's just a pleasure you know yeah it's just good different it's the whole thing with like when people are criticizing and great you don't have to like the movie but when people are like well i didn't really like the characters in the new jurassic world and everything i'm like i'm there to see dinosaurs fuck shit up i don't like i don't care what chris really like the characters in the new Jurassic world and everything. I'm like, I'm there to see dinosaurs fuck shit up. I don't care what Chris Pratt's doing in the movie.

No offense to him, but I just don't care. I'm there to see dinosaurs be dinosaurs in modern times. That's all I want to see. Just give me that and I'm entertaining. If you could throw John Wick in the background, I'd be like, tight. John Wick's in Jurassic World. I want it all. That I would like to say.

You're saying that like you could. Please do. Crossover, yeah. Please do throw John Wickick in there jurassic so tim roth's partner amanda what plumber plumber plumber amanda plumber that's who i want uh nick cage to be for my third pick excellent zach harper all right all right i don't think that i i don't think that's gonna to get taken, but I just want to take it now. So the movie Ghostbusters. There's a moment on the rooftop where they've got to clear their minds

and don't think of anything. And then all of a sudden you hear these giant footsteps and oh no, what did you do? And it's Nick Cage dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow man just walking through the city the same dopey look on his face, but just I want him dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man just walking through the city. The same dopey look on his face, but just

I want him dressed as the sailor. You can even like have him like Michelin manned up or whatever, but I want Nick Cage as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters. I yeah they cross the streams and shoot him and he's going to scream and

everything. So you get screaming cage, but yeah, that's i think it's a better movie the cage puff marshmallow man the steak marshmallow man was a real thing right like i like it was a real marshmallow advertising like our brand or whatever the stay puff i don't know i don't know if it was before or not probably i was wondering if it was real or if they made it up for that movie. It doesn't matter. I was just wondering. Anyway, I like the cage puff. Cage puff marshmallow man.

Cage puff marshmallow man. Yeah. Man, that'd be dope. He'd look good as a sailor. So he's naked, though. Is he a marshmallow man? He's just got like the little like, I don't know what that is. It's like a bib almost.

Yeah, a little tie. And he's got the hat. That's it. then just dick out like a you know however chest hair yeah yeah chest hair um yeah he's just out there that thing's swinging i bet you nick is uh port street or whatever it is kind of got a smoking hog i bet i'm sure i could see it either way i could see it being a smoking hog or i could see it being so, so small. But he doesn't care. But he just owns it, right? Regardless if it's a smoking hog or, you know, or just tiny, like he's going to own it.

Yeah, that's him. You get in the cage regardless. You get in the cage. That's him. That's just what his dick is doing that day. So what? Yeah. Yeah.

His dick always has reservations at a different restaurant. They're never on the same page. Oh. His dick is doing its own thing. That's fine. Yeah. His dick always has reservations at a different restaurant. They're never on the same page. Oh. His dick is doing its own thing. It's fine. Whatever. Man, can I just real quick? This is so fun.

This is why this is a good show. This is so goddamn goofy and fun. I'm excited. It's why. I mean, it is. It's one of my favorites. It's why it's number two to Cinephobe on some people's Spotify list. You know, it's just this is why it's legit.

Harper, I'll come down to L.A. sooner than expected. You keep bumping your gums like that. You come down to L.A. sooner than expected. I'm going to kiss you right in the mouth. You want to see what happens. I hope that your butt can cash the check that your mouth is right in, my friend. I feel betrayed right now. Shit.

I don't know why. We can include Ian ian we'll include ian okay just this once shit i don't know what happened go fucking betrayed dude no not by you sean just by you know that one listener i hate it having a bad time all of a sudden data this is cold uh sharpie time for your third pick okay oh boy yeah i don't have any more goofy ones i got i have other goofy ones but i have other sincere ones that i really think he'd be really good at and i can't decide which direction yeah let's go i'm gonna do a couple sincere ones too i'm not just doing goofy or am i or am i way to get a

twist ian knight shamalan keep listening i'm going for one that he wouldn't have had the chance to play because he wasn't old enough but now if he if he could replace Michael Douglas as William Foster in Falling Down. Oh, my God. That was on my list. That was like my six man. Yo, that's a great movie. Yes. That's a better movie.

It's a better movie. I mean, Michael Douglas is good, but he's not insane. He's not actually crazy. He's actually insane, and he would really bring it to that role. For anybody listening, if you haven't seen Falling Down, watch Falling Down. It is the perfect, I am fed up with traffic, the burger not looking the way it's supposed to. Yeah, that scene in the fast food, oh my God.

You're sitting along in your metal coffin, dude. It is so good when Michael Douglas has just had it up to here with the world he has had and i thought that exact same thing that cage would yeah kill that nicholas cage is excellent at playing those roles where uh-oh the spaghetti just boiled over you know yeah you think you have it in the pot, but it just boiled over. Yeah, that guy's going to lose it. Have you seen the movie Mom and Dad? No, no. So this came out like I want to say like three or four years ago,

but it's a movie about there's just something happening where parents are now killing their own kids. So they won't kill other kids, but there's something. There's some like signal happening where they're going and trying to kill their own kids, so they won't kill other kid, but there's something there's some like signal happening where they're going and trying to kill their own kids, and so he plays a parent with some a Blair in it, and he goes fucking nuts in this movie. It's actually I think it's really good, like genuinely a good movie. Yeah, as a horror movie, but he goes insane as this middle aged guy that just isn't happy in life. And then he's then now

there's this craziness going on and like and so I'm imagining that Nick Cage in falling down and it's that's a that's a perfect choice. Oh, yeah. I want to see that now. I want to see all these, but I really want to see that that falling down and that movie you were just talking about. Yeah, mom and dad. I think it's on Hulu

nice falling down feels like something they could go ahead and like not redo but update you know yeah we can do that i wouldn't mind a new version of falling down with like a new yeah it's there's definitely there's definitely room for it with the world right now i have room in my heart for that yeah absolutely man nick cage yep he would kill that um all right i'm gonna go sincere with my third pick uh i'm gonna go sincere here okay and i i it's not too late for this to happen and i hope it does happen but up until this point nicholas cage has never played a james bond villain and i think he would fucking crush it yeah so what i'm gonna do going to do, I'm going back to like Nick.

Not that I mean, his prime is from when he first started acting until whenever he dies. That's his prime. But I'm going back to like peak fucking Nicolas Cage. And I'm taking Sean Bean and I'm plucking him out of the movie GoldenEye. And I'm dropping Nicolas Cage right into GoldenEye going head to head with fucking Pierce Brosnan. Now, not only does this get me Nicolas Cage playing a Bond villain, which I think he would fucking play up and do perfectly. That amount of camp is perfect. It also gets me video game Nicolas Cage.

Yeah, Nintendo 64's Goldeneye. Sneaky, sneaky motherfucker. That is exactly what it does. I like that a lot. All of a sudden, Nicholas, I just think you would fucking make all the kind of choices you want someone playing a Bond villain to make. Absolutely.

I really enjoy the Daniel Craig movies, but there's been a bit of like... Pierce Brosnan's more of a Bond. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, but here's my thing is like the movies have gotten away from being goofy. It's the same thing that happened to Batman. It's the same thing that happens to like all these movies where it's the Christopher Nolan

effect of you getting like serious filmmakers in there to make like a serious Batman or a serious Bond. And it works. So you can't blame the studio sport or whatever. But like, I feel like Nicolas Cage playing a Bond villain would bring like some fun, goofy energy. You know, because like in these, you have Christoph Waltz in the latest Bond movies. And he's playing Blofield. And he's going like kind of crazy with it.

But I want him to go fucking Inglorious Bastards level of crazy. So goofy. That's what I want. Let Quentin Tarantino make a fucking Bond movie, man. man i know he's like gonna be done after his next movie or whatever but like so he said that would be amazing yeah because i any bond movie where the the villain starts explaining what the what the plan is it like cage in that role in that moment would be he'd have this wild look in his eye insane like yes he'd be perfect to bring back bond villains having

pets or something like that by dipping him in gold and shit like that. That's what I want out of a bondville. The Kingsman gives it to us. I mean for a while he was doing that like he really bought a dinosaur head. He had castles like he was coming to bond villain in real life. He was doing

just fucking put a camera on him. He bought a crypt in New Orleans for no reason. To go back to it, you are absolutely right about Kingsman, by the way. Give me 500 of them. Give me as many as you can make. They are perfect. Anyway, I just got to

interject when I hear Kingsman. I got to speak up for how dank it is. And also, it gets the name Sean Bean out of the movie which no disrespect disrespect to sean bean but you're gonna let your name be you're gonna keep sean bean e-a-n-e-a-n you know it's weird a lot of people have natalie portman's real name is natalie herschlag you know what i mean us jews change our names all the time for hollywood sean, you're going with? Her name's Natalie Hirschlug? Oh, yeah, dude. Whoopi Goldberg is, I think,

Karen Elaine Johnson or something. She made it on the real names list. Vin Diesel's Mark Sinclair. If he didn't go by Sean Bean, Sean Bean. Scene Bean. What do you think he should go by i don't know dude sean

herschlag sean herschlag sounds like someone who would play a bond villain yeah yeah terminator mountain dew hi i'm terminator william scott before sean william scott like he could have done a lot of things there's a lot there's sean patrick flannery yeah sean's you keep the sean that's strong yeah nothing wrong with sean dude sean beans i like sean being a lot but like come on dude yeah no it's it's odd it is odd he's got a great voice he's got an awful name ned stark man he he kills everything he's in he's great i love a sean b yeah but but imagine his name was like sean j Jordan oh man whoa that was crazy Sean Bean

in Goldeneye are you on four already? yeah I'm on four this is tough man this one's moving I was pretty nervous honestly that I was gonna completely blow this but I feel good when I told published author,

Miss Dana Schwartz, everybody pre-orders for Anatomy. It's coming out in about a month from when this drops. Make sure you get your pre-orders for Anatomy, a love story, and great book. I've read it myself. Can't recommend it enough. Fantastic. How did you get an advanced copy? I'm affianced to Dana Schwartz.

So she handed it to me. She actually gave, she handed it to me she actually gave she handed it to me with it's better than motley crue's the dirt i'll tell you that and covers a lot of the same territory which you wouldn't think but uh they're well read those those guys when i told her this was the the draft topic she made a suggestion to me and i'm gonna take it now oh tight and pretend that it's my own and give her no credit good i'll give her no credit for Good job. Give her no credit for it. Zero. I came up with this and I thought it would be fun to replace Michael Caine

in the movie Muppet Christmas Carol with Nicolas Cage. Yeah, man. Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine is the only human in that movie. Yeah. So now it's just Nicolas Cage playing Ebeneezer Scrooge. Ebeneezer scrooge ebenezer scrooge and you get him

doing a british accent you know he's hanging out with muppets for an hour and a half wow i bet you he does that sometimes on his own i bet you he's done that where he's like i got a week it's gonna be muppet week at the cage house with no one else but me and the Muppets. I got a week. I got a week. Oh, I can't. I can't that week. I'm hanging out with a bunch of Muppets. Ghost of Christmas Past. He's got a week before he shoots face to face the sequel to Face Off.

Gonzo is coming over and I'm going to deny him basic human rights. Face Off 2, like looking in a mirror. Yeah. Only not him and gonzo dude uh but yeah it's fucking it's and i this is a sincere pick no yeah no this is a great pick i can see it perfect in that movie by the way he's perfect in that movie i don't want to replace him i would just like to see what nicholas cage does with it now is he getting like you know kind of like old person makeup in this only is he only only eyebrows okay you're not gonna do it like boyhood or whatever where you just actually film him over the years until he's like 90 well everybody's screwed he's getting fuzzy eyebrows

glued on and everything else is body work body work hey we work on my body body work nick cage is secretly jacked i don't know if people know that oh yeah it's a secret about it i've seen you've seen the documentary con air he's fucking look at those arms in there boy he's picking that thing yoxilla picking it yeah no he's all shredded up niche cage in muppet christmas carol hell yeah and that's my fourth pick and we're going to get to Yeah. No, he's all shredded up. Niche Cage in Muppet Christmas Carol. That's my fourth pick and we're going to get to Sharpie's fourth pick right after this short break.

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Rules and restrictions may apply. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy, everything already in progress. Today, we're drafting movie roles that you would replace with nicholas cage a lot of fun picks off the board already um still some fun picks to come we are joined of course by uh chris charpentier and zach harper sean jordan is here david borey is in a bathtub full of lotion in a zeppelin hovering over Bolivia. He went to go get some Bolivian lotion,

which I hear makes your skin feel like a pillowcase. And who can blame him really for that? It's a supple and forgiving lotion. And David really already had an amazing body with amazing skin on that body. And he gets to live in there. So, Bolivia, eat your heart out. They call him the Silk Bandit for

a reason. Because of how soft his skin is. He's a moist and supple man. And he's not here today, but we are. Sharpie, it's time for your fourth pick. Oh, thank you very much. Oh, boy. Next time you go to Subway, ask if they can point to the mayo and be like,

is that mayo or lotion? And when they say mayo, you're like, well, alright, mayo, I guess. Oh, no, thanks, man. Is that lotion or sunscreen mayo oh gross mayo

I guess just mustard okay let's see I'm going to go again now this one I'm not picking him to he doesn't have to play a woman in the role but he is replacing a woman he's replacing kathy bates in misery whoa that was my next pick i swear really

yeah mom i think that is ice cold and wilkes watch. In Misery, she wasn't in love with him. It was an obsession, like a fan obsession thing, right? There was no, she didn't want to be with him or anything. Yeah. No. She loves the character in his book that he wrote. That's what she was obsessed with, was the books. That didn't even cross my mind.

What a fun, sneaky little job that is. That's a good pick i mean is he in horror movies like as the bad guy as the monster you know is he ever the tyrannosaurus rex in real life i mean maybe lately he wasn't the wicker man he was the the guy being put upon right in face off he was the you know technically it was castor troy well he was everybody yeah god i bet you those when they read that script him and travolta i bet they were just like oh my god they were both we both get to play all the roles in the movie that's oh man yeah do you think you could remake face off with like serious actors and make it like

so it's not campy do you think like you could put like yeah you could daniel day lewis and and oh my god like i don't know who's the other best actor right now oh what's oscar isaac or oscar isaac put those two in it and make face off and just do like a very serious face off do you think it would work probably not right i'd love to see oscar isaac in a face-off he's that dude is a clinic anything he's in you're just like oh i could be an actor he makes it look so easy yeah oh he's that guy's never taken his face off though he's he knows what he's got god no that's the thing about travolta nicholas cage both of them would be willing to do away with their face it's like sure i mean i love my face but i'll love any face on this body. It's me still.

Yeah, you could do it, I bet. It'd be weird, but yeah, you could do it. The sledgehammer scene in Misery with Cage wielding that thing would just be nuts. Nuts. Nuts. It'd be so scary. It'd be real scary. Yeah. Can you imagine that when you're like you're laying there

and you realize you're like wait she's gonna take this sledgehammer to my ankles is there is his ankles right where she's not she's got like the wood block in between those like calves or something like that yeah that's buck oh it's so nasty yeah you got shades on car wheel i put on some regular glasses i put on danish warts glasses, you don't need glasses. No. They look good on you, though. The world needs me in glasses, but I don't need them. Oh, misery, man. Good job.

He looks like a professor. Yeah. Got office hours right after this podcast if anyone wants to swing by. Now, what would you teach if you could teach something? If I could teach something? Mm-hmm. I would, like, for real real for real real like and you can't pick improv oh shit for what i know right now i would probably try to teach like screenwriting like if i could go back to like portland state university i would teach like a screenwriting and a stand-up comedy like

extracurricular class and then whatever english classes they made me teach. But if I could start over, if I could go back to page one, I think being like a history professor would be really fun. And you could get a lot of those performance elements in that. Well, that was my brief, brief stint,

brief ill-advised stint in college. My goal was to either be a sociology or a psychology professor. That's what I wanted to do with my life was be a college professor because I've always liked the public speaking aspect of everything. I've always thought it was fun. I always enjoyed getting up in front of class. I was that kid where it's like, I'll go. Please, I'll hop up.

Yeah. But then I was like, oh, man, all the rest of school is so hard. So I bailed. At what point in the semester do you do the splits in front of the class yeah is that the last day as soon as you find out the whole time wait they're gonna let me do this well then i'm just doing it you're between two like doing the splits on two chairs with your arms crossed like van damme the whole the whole class yeah did i ever tell you about the one time i tried to shoot my shot with a girl after class

in college no and have i ever told you that it's so it was this class i never went i probably went twice it's like 20th century american history or something and i don't know what i was thinking but one day this girl was walking in front of me i was like do it talk to her so i walked up and i was like hey i haven't been here can i buy serious i was like could i like borrow your nose from yesterday she looked at me with such disgust and she's like i wasn't here yesterday and i was like cool and i just kept walking and uh and i was like she had a shirt with some greek letters and i was like is that a sorority and she goes it's my boyfriend's frat and i was like cool and then i just slowed down and let her walk at a normal speed the one and only time i tried in college and i was like oh

well that ain't me brick city yeah dude not having it uh harvard time for your fourth pick all right it was gonna be it was gonna be misery but uh i will pivot and uh i think he replaces elizabeth berley in show girls. Exact same movie. Exact same movie, but he would crush that role. Yeah. My God.

Crush it. Oh my God. She's nuts in that movie. She's better pick than misery. That's so much better, dude. She's she's crazy. Oh my God. Mel Kiper AFE.

I'm getting you nothing but a fucking pluses this draft. Yeah. Anything less than that. I'm going to find you. Put his fucking head in the toilet, dude. Oh, my God. Keep it in there for me. He'll find a seat in there.

He's been bullying me lately. He's been bullying me, dude. He's throwing out lower grades than I deserve. And I see it. Yeah, you see it. But yeah, no, she's nuts in that movie. And him, like, having this very heated thing with gina gershon like there's just so much there that i like the dance the dance movements that he would do if he just mimicked everything she did the pool the pool sex scene

that like everything i swear to god the director of that scene was like all right try to get all the water out of the pool when you're having sex and just see how that goes. Have that kind of sex. I feel like Gina Gershon and Nicolas Cage have a similar something. It's called sex appeal. Sex appeal.

Do you think they ever kissed? I'd watch them have sex. I bet you the amount of paint that has been traded between celebrities is way bucker than we think. After after after parties,

I bet you some serious shit goes on. All the on-set romances, I bet you there's six degrees of every celebrity. Of Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon. Yeah, Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon, dude.

Never heard that before, Kevin Bacon. I've never seen Showgirls. It's a mess. It's crazy because it's tough to... It's not worth watching. It was one of those wild things as a young hetero of the it was like wild things when you as a young

uh hetero boy i was like show girls i can i can probably sneak that past the goalie and like rent it and you know and have it be okay um i can't say i ever watched saved by the bell and thought well this elizabeth berkley's got a lot more to offer that wasn't like what a weird none of them none of them really did it they all had all of them had careers still have yeah but none of them hasn't seen franklin and bash because yes tiffany tiffany thesen like got the closest but still like not really mark paul gosselier has been working yeah yeah but did he didn't do you know i know they're all working screech doesn't diamond worked but it's like r.i.p you know you can't like mark paul gossler's in like what uh svu or something suits bro and then like some other thing now right yeah but what happened to lisa turtle

that's who i want to know she kind of went nuts Lark Voorhees kind of spun out a little bit. Yeah. I think she became, or maybe she was the whole time, but she went super hard into religious stuff, I think. You know what I mean. And I think it affected her career in a way. None of them, I don't know. They're not superstars.

Mario Lopez hosts everything. He hosts everything that ll kujay doesn't i did forget about mario lopez he is he says schizoaffective disorder so she literally went she mentally ill okay my track saying she spun out then that is a crass thing i said i didn't mean to say that just about mario lopez just air horns what you said earlier and then air horns everything i've said this whole episode. Just the whole, every word out of my mouth. I'm just saying, as a young hetero man, if you would have told me

that Lisa Turtle would have been in that role, I would have said, thank you, please. I'm picking it up. Yeah, man. Showgirls, that's wild. Sean Jordan, we're going to say thank you, please, for your fourth and then your final picks. Fourth pick? I'm going to go serious.

I think Nicolas Cage would absolutely murder this role. It's in Independence Day. It's going to be the role of Randy Quaid. Oh, that's a good one. Abducted by aliens, but was telling the truth the whole time. um by aliens but was telling the truth the whole time ex-fighter pilot turned alcoholic crop duster still trying to do well for his kids but drinks too much but has a heart of gold nick cage would have absolutely yeah i kept waiting for a leaving las vegas pick and this is it yeah yeah drunk nick cage yeah he would have he'd be we all know he's a good drunk he dude my dad you know i think about

the choices my dad made now it's not to get too deep but one of those choices was he sat me down multiple times and had me watch leaving las vegas with him and i'm just like jesus christ what multiple times as a as a warning sign or an inspiration what's like he would always tell me he would tell me all the time, like mostly he would be drunk, but he would say, you have a disease. He like pounded that into my brain. He's like, you have a disease. You can't control it.

Da da da. So, which is why I have these deep seated beefs with alcoholism being a disease because he always told me it was. And I was like, as a kid, I'm like, I can see you putting it in your body. Nobody drinks cancer, you know? That's a whole nother thing. But he would sit me down and be like, this could be you. And just watch it like it was an after school special.

And I'm like, Dad, I'm 13. This is crazy. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I mean, I watched a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have as a child. But leaving Las Vegas was not one of them. That's a lot, man. It didn't hit.

When I was a kid, I was, you know, like especially going into my teenage years, we watched a couple of times and I'm like, I just want to go skate. I don't care about this. It didn't hit real life emotions because I didn't have those yet. I don't know. It was just weird move on his part to be like,

all right, it's leaving Las Vegas time. I remember the first time I watched that movie and I was, and didn't, I knew it was like kind of a darker thing, but I didn't really know what it was about. And Elizabeth Shue shows up and I'm like, oh, Elizabeth Shue, I know, I love her.

And then it's just like, oh my God, like her journey in that fucking movie is so dark. It's so horrible. It opens with, well, yeah, it's good movie, but rough movie. Don't know that I could watch it more than once. That's a one-popper. It's a great movie.

Never need to see that again. I like weird movies. I was watching Mystic River one time in the dark, and Ian got home from work and he's like, you good? I just like the movie. I like a dark movie, but Leaving Las Vegas is a little too much.

That's where he got his uh that's where he got his oscar that's right what he won for yeah yeah as he as he should yeah um so to round it out here there's one that i want to pick but i i don't want to do the disservice to the person who already did the role it's i feel like it might be so i'm going to save it last pick i will pick huh i have a pick like that that i yeah i wonder if it's i feel like it might be so i'm gonna save it last pick i will pick huh i have a pick like that that i yeah i wonder if it's the same one it might be there's one where i'm like man the person who did it just absolutely is irreplaceable but i also think nicholas cage should i do it i think you should take it just because i'm wondering if i have the same i'm

gonna feel like a jerk beetlejuice i think he could have done oh no that wasn't it at all yeah that's a great i feel like he could have done great. That's a great pick. I feel like he could have done a great Beetlejuice, but Michael Keaton is irreplaceable. So I do not want him replaced, but I do want to see what Nicolas Cage would have done with Beetlejuice because he didn't have to be serious

one time in that movie. That was like some, well, I don't want to name another pick, but it's like that beetlejuice they were just like do whatever you want with this and there's almost an innocence that michael keaton has that you need in beetlejuice to keep it from like going like i feel like nicholas k i'd like to see it i'm with you but there's something about nicholas cage in there that makes that like a darker movie yeah it would be weird change the whole thing and that's what so

we'll talk about it after the next picks but i looked up all the move all the roles that he passed on just to kind of get the juices flowing yeah there's some wild shit where you're like the beetle i couldn't i couldn't imagine if nicholas cage was some of these roles but anyway uh yeah fifth pick beetlejuice i just think if nothing else it would be very interesting to see what he did with it yeah great pick harper shit shit two two left on my power rankings here that i just one well they're not neither of them are serious who am i kidding but one of them is more serious than the other uh but i'll stick with my i'll stick with my stick with my theme here.

I don't want him in cartoon form. Okay, oh no, I bet I bet out. This is what I was going to pick. I do want him dressed as a rabbit. I want him as Roger Rabbit and Roger Rabbit. Yeah, that was how I was around with Bob Hoskins, like messing with you know, Christopher Lloyd coming after him. I want him, you know, just dressed as a rabbit and doing the voice. I want him trying to do the voice like that is. I want him trying to fawn all over Jessica Rabbit. Yeah.

Who framed Roger Rabbit? That's the role. Not my Jessica. No. Bob Hoskins, dude, is fucking awesome in that movie. Yeah, dude. Oh, my God. oh my god hoskins in general just the perfect schlub just like oh boy this guy but he gets he is he is that like film noir detective yeah just like completely fills the role kyle canadian just told me we were out on the road together talking and he said that who from roger rabbit is about the auto industry pushing the like the the streetcars out of la which i never knew i thought

it was racism oh but he said no that's yeah he said there's like an underlying like that it's about like because la used to have like a big trolley system and the auto industry i guess pushed it out to for cars obviously because it's la and so that is one of the themes of that movie, I guess. Huh. I never knew that. Yeah, it's serious too. It's not all jokes. Wow. Yeah. Sometimes it's just knowledge.

Also a giraffe, only animal born with horns. So there that is. Now you can remember the word. Some people think a node is not a horn, but Alex Trebek would have you believe different and everything that man says is Bible. The only animal that can't jump? The elephant.

Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. know that yeah get an elephant to jump no i can but i won't and that's why they can't i once freestyle wrapped in an elephant made him jump back that's crazy nobody was there to see it was like sharpie's hole in one where you're like okay yeah yeah that's gotta be frustrating dude worst moment of my life best worst moment of my life yeah but i know you we know you wouldn't lie about it you're not that kind of guy so like it's like we all saw it half the hole-in-one like 90 of it is being able to look at someone be like you saw that right and they're like i saw that yeah oh it's right there there's the ball how about that he throws his it's right there. There's the ball. How about that? Yeah.

His screen froze while he's pointing at the ball. No, he didn't freeze. He's just holding that. Yeah, dude. Just to let you know that that's the one. So I get it. Sharpie, you've got your hole-in-one. Time for your Cajun Five.

Yeah, there it is. There it is. Emmy. All right. time for your yes cajun five yeah there it is okay it is emmy all right uh i'm also gonna go with a girlfriend suggestion uh love of my life renee uh very good pick when i brought up this suggestion when i brought up this movie topic she thought she had her wheels turning and she suggested this one and i thought interesting. I thought interesting. Just solely based off of that we know he can be very funny.

We know that he is a physical being. I'm very curious to see how he would do replacing Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Wow. That is great. I think it's a good pick. Yes, him with the pen and the claw and everything.

Yeah, that's a great one. That's the right Jim Carrey movie. It can be really funny. He can do all of that stuff. But I think Ian maybe nailed it. He just comes with a darkness. He has no innocence about him. So maybe it wouldn't work.

Maybe he's not kid-friendly enough. I think he is, though. If you've seen friendly enough, but I'd like to see him try. If you've seen The Family Man, I go back to The Family Man. He's a very, he's a good straight man like that. He's good at it. He has it in him.

I think that's the Jim Carrey movie he'd do best in. I think that's the right one. Absolutely. Yeah. I was trying to think of a few and that didn't even, I didn't even think of Liar Liar, but I was thinking the more traditional ones and I was like,

yeah, no, but that's, that's great. Oh, that's a great pick. Yeah. The court scenes would have been phenomenal.

Yeah. That's, that's a great pick. Good job, Renee. She knows what's up. She knows what's up. Uh,

I have a bunch of silly picks, but I think I'm going to go with, it's the, it's the pick. I'm going to name them all in a second here, but it's the one for my final pick it's the one that i thought sean might be taking okay um and it's it's a role that i don't want to replace i think this person did this role as well as it can be done i know what you're gonna

i know what you're gonna pick it was on my list i bet i bet i know what you're gonna i'm gonna try i bet it is did they go to medical school no in the in the in their name maybe no all right keep going no no no no all right i want i would like to see him take a bite at the apple in one of my favorite movies true true romance i'd like to see him play gary oldman's character wow that would be wow again i i think fucking killed it like he's the part it must be white boy day he's amazing but like what what if it was nicholas cage i think nick cage is going a different route but just as fun like he's not doing dreadlocks white boy day he's not doing that but he's he's getting you there dude what if you did what if you did yeah who knows man i mean i bet you they just told the old man to like do what he wanted he loves a wig he loves a wig yeah

man that would have been that that was so sick i'm like replaying that would be real fun yeah that was yeah a little scarier i'm trying to picture right now and i'm just i know it's not good podcasting because it's just silent i was like yeah this is like this is the one if somebody somebody out there listening if you could just put nick cage's face on all of our suggestions so we could kind of see yeah i know it sounds daunting but be fun anyway if you got some time over over christmas break you know what i mean this is a free podcast if you want to repay us in any way please photoshop nicholas cage's face onto all these movies pictures yeah man that's sick that's a good call that's a good call yeah drexel spivey and true romance that is my final pick marissa do you have a pick uh yeah i would love to see

nick cage as a disney villain so i think he would be a really good jafar from aladdin oh that's great oh that's really i want to see him with that cool facial hair. I think he'd look great in it. Looking like Prince? That's a great pick. God, he'd be greasy if he was Jafar. So greasy. Amazing pick.

Jafar. To recap, Sean, you went first. You took Alice in Die Hard, Boobie, the F5 Tornado and Twister, Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction, Randy Quaid's, ooh, pardon me, character in Independence Day,

and Beetlejuice in Beetlejuice. Harper, you went second. You took the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Kevin in Home Alone 2, mind you. The sequel, not the first one.

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters, Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, and Roger Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Sharpie, you went third. You took Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, The Baby from Baby's Day Out, William Foster in Falling Down, Kathy Bates in Misery, and Jim Carrey's character in Liar

Liar. I went last. I took John Travolta in Face Off, The Octopus in My Octopus Teacher, Sean Bean in GoldenEye, Michael Caine in Muppet Christmas Carol, Drexel Spivey the octopus in my octopus teacher sean bean and golden eye michael cain and muppet christmas carol drexel spivey in true romance hold on can i yeah yeah rip them off i just want to throw on a what would be a maybe even funnier true romance one that if i would have thought about it more i would have it'd be very funny if he played john travolta's wife in Face Off.

Yeah. So he shows up. Yeah. And it's like they have to have sex with each with themselves. Yeah. And that's why he did it. And it's just him in a wig. Not even trying.

No, not even trying. What are you doing? He's like, I just wanted to have sex with just wanted to have sex five o'clock shadow just wanted to have sex with myself but with a vagina it's just the face right so it's like it's still white with the face it's like everything else the same we left a lot of good picks on the board. I thought he'd be fun as Voldemort in the Harry Potter movies. I thought you were going to say Doc Holliday.

I thought Doc Holliday was... Oh, he'd be great, but you know. Hannibal Lecter. I thought he'd be fun in that. Ace Ventura was the Jim Carrey role, I thought, but Liar Liar is so much better. That's such a better pick. Kevin Spacey from Seven. What about the Cable Guy?

What about Jim Carrey and the Cable Guy? That could be good. Cable Guy is one of my favorite movies. It's hard to redo because I had to struggle with a few of these. Same with Doc Holliday where I'm like, I can't do it to him, but he would be great as the Cable Guy. Strictly for comedy, replacing Woody Harrelson

in White Men Can't Jump. I think he would have been a good Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation. I think he could have been Clark Griswold the whole time. Also, strictly for comedy, Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid. He's a grown man. They're in high school. Yeah i don't care i don't care do i this is the all valley karate tournament arnold arnold schwarzenegger and conan the barbarian i i thought

about uh uh replacing uh arnold schwarzenegger and twins yeah i thought about that i had him being joe pesci in home alone the the joe pesci character in home alone i had him as in Joe Pesci in Home Alone. The Joe Pesci character in Home Alone. I had him as Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. That was another one I thought about. What about replacing the kid in Like Mike? Bow Wow? Or Jonathan Lipnicki? Okay, sure.

What if he was Jonathan Lipnicki and Jerry Maguire? Just a grown man. The human head weighs eight pounds. We want to hear yours. Hit us at all fantasy pod on oh wait sean what are the whole roles he passed on that you have that list oh yeah yeah so okay here let me pull it up um i'll read them in order because some of them are just like no in the meantime i'll say we want to hear from you all fantasy pod on twitter All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon.

Thank you so much for holding us down. We really, really, really appreciate it. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Shaslackity. We love you. Sean? So he passed on Aragorn on Lord of the Rings where Viggo Mortensen. He passed on Neo from The Matrix. Can you imagine that? So did Will Smith, by Mortensen. He passed on Neo from The Matrix. Can you imagine that?

So did Will Smith, by the way. He passed on Shrek. He passed on Harry from Dumb and Dumber. So he passed on Jim Carrey's counterpart from Dumb and Dumber. Right? That's Jeff Daniels' character? That's such a different movie.

He passed on Jim Carrey's character from Eternal Sunshine. He passed on... Oh, there was one more that was a different movie. He passed on Jim Carrey's character from Eternal Sunshine. He passed on... Oh, there was one more that was a weird one. Oh, Jason Statham in Crank. Whoa! I think that's a better movie.

It is. Wild, dude. Yeah, those are... Aragorn and Neo stuck out as like what that'd be crazy to think about but who knows it'd probably still be good you know i don't know anyway yeah funny to me well shout out to st sue carmel shout out to frankie ocean shout out to haji beach shout out to sid the dude and more important than all that tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity.

Sha-clackity. Sha-clackity. Sha-clackity. Marissa? Sha-clackity. that was a hate gun podcast