All Fantasy Everything - Riders (w/ Zak Toscani, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

1000 white roses? 250 brown M&Ms? x amount of x color other things? What would be on your rider? The Good Vibes Gang gets into it! Episode Guests:Zak Toscani @zaktoscani IG: @zaktoscaniSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-longs episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast has to go to Alabama tomorrow all of a sudden. So we're recording in a haste like when the Jews left Egypt. Let my people go. And we didn't have time to leaven the bread, and we let it dry on our backs. It's a matzah. And it became matzah.

David knows the story of Passover. Listen, I got my fingers in a lot of little puffs. You're the first Jewish gentleman I've ever met, and I didn't meet you until I was 28. Oh, that's true. Harsh. Harsh. It has been almost a decade, though.

Yeah, coming up on it. Yeah. Coming up. Look at this. Wow. Man, I can't believe there were no Jews in Sioux Falls. And I don't mean that. No, I... Yeah. harsh it has been almost a decade though yeah coming up on it coming up look at this wow i can't believe there were no jews in sioux falls i don't mean that no i yeah and that's who knows but i don't think so i didn't know that like arizona new mexico wait wait wait wait wait who knows but i so there could have been there could have been but i mean i just i don't remember at all. It didn't come up?

No. There must have been a temple. No Jewish people in Hawaii, for sure. At least where I grew up. I can't think of a temple. But not where you were hanging out. No, no, no. A lot of Mormons. They're more of a bluff people.

We stayed at the bluffs in the coves. Yeah, with bluffs, coves. Ravines. Ravines, yeah. You can find us in a ravine. I've seen some Jews in ravines. You've seen waterfalls. You know.

Hidden waterfalls. Waterfalls sometimes. Those locals only waterfalls. I've heard those. Oh, yeah. Jews get a free pass. We're not howling. So,

we negotiated that when we gave back the Suez Canal. Not to Suez Falls, though. No, not to Suez Falls. No. Again, not a temple. Not to say Suez Carmel, Canal. Not to Suez Falls, though. No, not to Suez Falls. Again, not a temple. Not to say Suez Carmel, either. Say Suez Carmel?

Yeah. It's that kind of podcast. That kind of podcast. Yeah. Okay, okay. That's a fun one. This one might be a little more truncated than you're used to. It may be.

Because I did find out I have to go to Alabama for undisclosed reasons soon. Yeah. But we're giving less than a day. We're bringing you the heat anyway. You're a Clemson representative. I know you can't talk about it. Yeah. But, I mean, between me and the listeners, Ian's the new head coach of Alabama football.

Roll Tide! Roll damn Tide. It's going to be me and Tua and whoever else West Van Horn and West Van Horn West Van Horn Baby Milo I was there and I didn't holler at Wes or Kristen, I'm sorry

I was with the general the whole time Air Force General It was one of those places where I'm like I just can't show up hungover here I just can't Did you play the general play the general air force ones by nelly no should have missed a golden opportunity big op you can hear to the wedding yeah twice if i have anything to say about it he's gonna hear about the wedding the first time he listens to a podcast fine asking permission you went to alabama for a general meeting about the wedding the first time he listens to a podcast. Give me Cooper. Fine, ask him permission.

You went to Alabama for a general meeting. I did. Better than anyone I've had in fucking LA, I'll tell you that. That's Sean S. Jordan complaining about showbiz. Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan. A lot of those out there. A lot of them lately.

We're seeing them more and more. We're seeing them more and more. More and Cougar Mellon more of them. We're seeing them more and more. More and more. We're seeing them more and more. We're seeing them more and Cougar Mellon more of those. What's the latest? What's going on? Living, man. Faded was fantastic on Friday. Mike goes, Mike goes, you jamokes.

Yeah, the kid. He goes, you jamokes talked about beating the shit out of me for five minutes and didn't even bring up the show. Now I really got to beat his ass. Oh, yeah. You're going down, Mike. I still can't wait for this fight. Him and Shane, I'm going to beat the fucking

tar out of both of them. Maybe you could be Shane up. I got 20 on the Boston one. I got Shane. I got Shane out. Bob and Weave. Just one Bob and Weave. You have two black belts. You do have black belts. It's conceivable. You do have black belts.

That's true. But Shane's just been sitting on all this anger. He's just been taking all these hits. That's towards Zach, though. If he gets one of those honey-baked hands on you, you're fucked, man. Give me a glaze right across your eyebrows, you motherfucker. He's got those catcher's bits, man.

He's got big hands. Honey-baked hands. The kid is ham-fisted. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. He's going to beer's bits, man. He's got big hands. Honey-baked hands. The kid is ham-fisted. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. He's going to be here in like a week. I can't wait to see him. He's going to be listening to this in this living room.

I also don't know. I'm 90% sure the Golden Gloves thing is fake. Oh, yeah, for sure. But what about that 10%? I know. Maybe he just trained, but he didn't win gold. Well, he's an opera singer. If you trained at all, that puts you over 90% of dudes.

I think I've seen photos of him in opera gear. We should put up the heavy bag and ask him to hit it a few times. I feel like you can tell within two or three hits if someone knows what they're doing. Yeah. Put up the heavy bag is also what it's called when you host Shane. Now this is why you're going out of it, because you're a goddamn writer, my friend. I'm thinking about putting up the heavy bag.

We're going to put the heavy bag up for a couple weeks. My wife's pissed, but you know. I wish we were putting up the heavy bag, but he's staying elsewhere. He's scared, man, because he doesn't want this to be every night. I wish he was staying here. I really do. Shane, if you're listening to this, stay here, man.

Yeah, we love you, pal. It's a decent couch. That's dope. Great couch. Great TV. Great TV now. He's always got to come see the TV. See them cowboys get walloped on National.

They will. They'll get beat. Wallop? Yeah, you know, come to Faded every Friday. This Friday is another show. Other than that, I heard there's some Rev Hall shows going on in March. Oh, yeah. We still got tickets for one of them.

So if you feel so inclined, get some tickets. But that ass. Those ones are selling, too. Are they? We're two and a half months out from the show, maybe two months out from the show, and that one's starting to sell as well, which is pretty crazy.

That is going to be the buck. Hopefully the album will be out by then too. That's what I'm shooting for. Oh, you should... Yeah, it should be out. Intend to have that out. Yes. And you know,

I know it doesn't fall on deaf ears, but I just have to bring myself, obviously from all of us, but thank you so much to every single person every single person who listens to this every single person who chooses to donate their hard-earned money to that patreon trust me it is a godsend when i and not again everybody has to work nobody likes their jobs but i'm with i'm there with you i don't like my job and i i got fucking screamed at today by a lady for like 10 minutes. What was her name?

I can't say. Bitch. And, uh, I kept refreshing that page, honestly. And like during the time that she screamed at me, we got like two or three subscribers and I was just like,

cool. And I was nice to her. I calmed her. Like we were calm. She ended up thanking me, telling me how nice I was. And I'm like, Hmm,

that's cool. Emotional, emotional Judah. You guys directly affected a stranger's day in a very positive way, so thank you for that. I'm going to wrap it up. I got played off.

I'm going to be in Alabama in less than 24 hours. I can't spend 20 of that. You went for cinematography. You don't get five minutes. You're right. My bad, G. My're right. You're right. My bad, G.

My bad, G. My bad. Got a flight, for God's sake. I know. For Christ's sakes. Yeah, so go see Faded. Yeah. Friday on the Blue Rooster, or at the Blue Rooster here in LA.

Just skip Zach. Well, I ate up Zach's time, so skip Zach. Well, the G is silent is here on Twitter. CoolGuyJ jokes 87 on Instagram. Wait, are we doing it? I always go to you second. Then I do our guest third. Yeah.

Okay. I'll make it short and sweet. Come see me Saturday, January 12th at Eastcliff Brewing in Santa Cruz, California. You know, that's where they film Lost Boys. 2151 7 Eastcliff Drive, Santa Cruz, California. 21-51-7. Eastcliff Drive, Santa Cruz, California. Next weekend, January 18th and 19th, come see me at the Velveeta Room

in Austin, Texas. Come to Faded. Fuck with my Twitter. Look out for the Instagram. Thank you for the Patreon. Your boy's living. Living in the planet of stormy weather. You just had a 50-point game and now I gotta try to match that? your boy's living living that living the planet stormy weather man you just you just had a 50 point game

and now I gotta try to match that yeah come on man I haven't even stretched yet I'll land in a sandstorm I don't believe in stretching I don't believe in the flu get me going dude yeah that's why you ramble on so long

get me going flat earth loose change bro maybe you stretch a little bit you'll get to the point quicker you know what I mean if they'd make another Zeitgeist, I'd have something to talk about.

But they're not. I feel like that's why I can't go to parties because I got nothing new to say to anyone. You're pretty much worn out Zeitgeist 1, 2, and 3. I wore out YouTube. I didn't know you could do that. It won't play on YouTube on my computer. It just looks like you rewound a tape too much.

The tape popped. Yeah. At Zach Toscani. Yo. Zach with a K. Toscani with a C. Zach with a K. Well, okay.

So we got to the bottom of this. I was at my mom's for Christmas. And I always thought that I spelled it Z-A-K just because that's the way I always wanted to spell it. Yeah. But my mom had a bunch of my old stuff. And one of it was the birth card. And she always wanted to name me Zachary and have me spell it Z-A-K.

So it was Inception. And I didn't know it until this year. She did that with all the kids. So it was like, here's your full name and here's your nickname. No, not Zach. Your sisters are both named Zach?

My mom is George Foreman. This is my daughter, Zach the third. So wait, what are you saying? So your mom named you Zach? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And Zachary. And moms, man.

They hide secrets. Yeah. I found out like five years ago, my mom is two years younger than I ever thought. Whoa, cool. Damn. I found out I had two brothers when I was like 19.

That's pretty buck. That is, yeah. Yeah. I found out I had a brother when I was like, yeah, like 17 or 18, yeah. That's wild. My mom directed Bloodsport.

Yeah. They still treat her like a queen over in Thailand. Yeah, yeah. She co-wrote the script and directed it. Who gives a shit if Bruce Springsteen is his Shidoshi? Yeah.

You know? Classic Bloodsport line right there. That was the Sue Carmel classic line, yeah. Sue Carmel stayed up till midnight writing that Krimmel one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They closed at six. They left it open.

She got there around 9 p.m., left in midnight, full script. No notes. You say you found out you had a brother at the age of 16? Yeah, well, my mom got pregnant in high school and gave it up for adoption and then just kind of decided to tell us when we could like fathom what that meant yeah i get that i think that's responsible yeah shit's why my dad took

it upon himself to tell me before my mom got a chance not responsible yeah i don't even think my dad knew about that anyway. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Come to Faded. Come to Faded. Yeah. Seriously, I would just be echoing what Sean said. Yeah, the show is going dope, and it's the best. It's what I look forward to every week.

I'm at Ian Carmel. Oh, and also, by the time this comes out, On Deck is going to be on Saturday, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So go see The Kid. Oh, yeah. Go see The Kid. Yeah. I forgot about kid. Hell yeah. Go see the kid. I forgot about that. There you go, the kid.

There you go, the kid. And buy Shane Torres' album. He's the best. Buy his album. Established in 1983? 81. Established in 1981. I'm Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram.

Anything on JDate? At Ian Carmel on Jewish United Airlines app. Oh, yeah. Stay away from Delta. I'll find it tomorrow. I'll tell you that because I didn't get to pick the ticket. You better let them know. I'm going to let them know.

It's going to be hard glares, dude. Yeah. Hard glares. Stare them down. Oh, my God. You just walk up. You go, I'm the guy. I'm it.

I'm the guy. You bring 10 bags and dare them to lose one of them. You motherfucker. Lose one of them. Yeah, I'm checking my toiletries'm it. I'm the guy. You bring 10 bags and dare them to lose one of them. You motherfucker. Lose one of them. Yeah, I'm checking my toiletries bag. One of these bags has my clothes in it. The other nine have your most precious valuables. I dare you to lose one of them.

Hey, I spilled another bag of peanuts. Straight up, I don't usually do this at the airport. Three of them got bombs. Bombs. What's up? Your move, Delta. You might want to lose those. I brought them

I don't care I don't fucking care I can't bring my cap gun but you still had a dope weekend right I still had a great weekend

yeah Emma Arnold and I took Madison by storm hell yeah yes sold out all the shows shout out to all the all family who came

sure all the shows yes yeah fuck yeah super dank a bouncer broke your phone a bouncer broke my phone dude you know how good the weekend has to be all the shows? Yes. Yeah. You did. Fuck yeah. Super dank. A bouncer broke your phone.

A bouncer broke my phone? Dude, you know how good the weekend has to be where your shit gets lost and your phone gets busted and you're still like, that was tight. It was still tight. Wait, how did the bouncer

break your phone? Well, first of all, all credit to Emma Arnold on the weekend still being tight. The shows were great. Of course. Comedy on State was tight and I know I'm talking

about my girlfriend here but just like, oh man, I've been with some women who were not patient. Sure. And who weren't ride or die like that. But I was at the Sprint store.

She was at the Sprint store. Good, man. I was at the Apple store. She was at the Apple store. I was at the other Sprint store. She was there, too. Old girl went to the store. Man.

Buying clothes for me is like a point of tension. Oh, it's a hard thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not something you bring women to. It is not. Not when you're a bigger dude. It's not going to Banana Republic.

I'm not bringing you into casual male Excel. It's not going to fucking Banana Republic. I literally go to that store. Yeah, we went to the mall three days ago. I went to Banana Republic. You look great in Banana three days ago everyone waited outside you were one of them david was like they don't like me in there i didn't go they don't like our kind man uh and she went she went clothes shopping with that was that so it's just yeah it's just like uh because she's dope dude yeah things aren't always dope this was like a dope this was a dope weekend you know like recognizing it can like things shitty things can happen and you can still come out the other end

and it can be okay yeah sometimes shitty things happen and it just keeps getting shittier yeah and then the shows suck and then whatever you don't have a hotel like yeah sometimes it can really blow well having someone there too yeah always you know it makes me laugh at it more if i'm by myself i can wallow in it if someone's there you're like fucking ridiculous right yeah at least have someone who's like you're witnessing this you're invested in this because you're also here i did my share of wallowing you know what i mean anyway i mean it's just tight be be tender with one another yeah sure you know i was reminded of that this week and be tender with one you guys You guys have a great energy. Man. Literally. Like anytime you guys are around,

I'm just like, oh man, I love this. It's sick, man. She's fucking tight? Yeah, she is. What else? Oh, a bouncer broke my phone. So I'll tell the story super quick and then we'll get into the old button.

Yeah, that's what I've been wanting to hear since the text. So Nate Craig showed up at... Shout out to Nate Craig. Shout out to Nate Craig, who's going to come on the show soon. Nate's gang. Just in Wisconsin?

He's from there. So he's a wonderful comedian. He's from that area. He came to the shows, who's going to come on the show soon. Nate's gang. Just in Wisconsin? He's from there. So he's a wonderful comedian. He's from that area. He came to the shows because he was still back there for the holidays. We went out. Emma went back to the hotel. We went out, had a couple drinks. Yeah, a couple bowls of loudmouth soup. No big deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oats, ootas. Three shots of Acheron, you know what I mean?

And we ran into people who were at the show at one of the bars, and they sent some like fucking, some of those like, hey, I just turned 22. Ass. Seriously. You know how the themed shots, you know what I mean? Yeah. We're going to drink Pirate's Cone.

Right. Yeah. This is Cincinnati Firemen. This is Egon's cum shot or whatever. You know what I mean? There was one called a Prairie Fire. It was like Tabasco sauce in it. You're like, fuck you, dude.

Right. I don't want any of this. But they sent some of those over and we drank thoseirie Fire. It was like Tabasco sauce in it. You're like, fuck you, dude. I don't want any of this. But they sent some of those over, and we drank those. And then Nate wanted... I don't want this. Yuck. And then... I made an E40 noise.

And then Nate wanted to go to this other bar because he knew the people over there. I didn't really want to go. I should have known. But I was like, all right, man. I'll go. Second location. I should have fucking second locations, man. I should have gone back to the hotel where my beautiful girlfriend yeah chilling go to one bar that's second those days when you wake up i've done that in portland

where i'm like why didn't why did i tell laura i was sleeping in the other room why didn't i just go back at 10 instead of go hang out with fucking some dude named clint all night i mean i enjoy nate's company don't get me wrong yeah nate shit it's a shit of course we went to this bar and we got in there and the second i walk in it was like weird vibes yeah you know what like oh you could feel it the bouncer was like a littler bouncer oh and you're a big guy i'm a big guy yo little guys want you they want a pelt they want blood dude they hate it they fucking want a pelt no i've seen that happen with small bouncers before for sure so i get in there and it's just like uneasy from jump street i sit down at the bar and like the bartender knows nate she's kind of cool yeah there's a dj by the way which is why like a hundred percent the reason we shouldn't have gone anyway but like uh so there's a dj

playing music it's good music he He's playing good hip hop. I'm pretty buzzed at this point. I'm like, ooh, you know what would be tight? I should go over and see if he'll play International Players Anthem, because I had done that at a club in Portland. Shout out to Fortune. Oh, yeah? Yeah, shout out to the, yeah, fucking,

it's a dope club, Portland. So we went there, or so I'd gone there and requested that song, and the dj played and i tipped him everything was chill so i was like let me go to this dj and see if he'll play it and uh he was like that's like but in like a dickish way he was like that's a great idea if this wasn't my last song and i was like oh okay no problem sick burn and then the bouncer's behind me all of a sudden like oh he got me on the shoulder like dj doesn't take requests i'm like okay fucking okay like i was literally gonna give him 20 to play one outcast you know what i mean whatever and uh so i went back to the bar and we have like a couple more

drinks and then they start closing up right and but nate knows everybody there so the bouncer's like you guys gotta go i'm like cool so we gotta go and you know nate's like all right you know i'll see you like let's go yeah i'm like cool so i get up and i walk outside and then all of a sudden i'm outside it's cold as fuck and nate's still in there yeah it was like 25 degrees yeah it was really chilly so i'm like oh shit there's my my buddy's still in there and uh i tried to go back in uh you know like let me just talk to nate and the bouncer's just like not having any of it. Not even letting me stick my head in. What?

Yeah. And, you know, like you said, I had a couple of bowls of loudmouth soup at this point. So I start. No. No, you didn't. I start this guy right here, right to the bouncer. He had a nose ring. That's what I didn't tell you.

That's why I start going in on the nose ring immediately. You have to do that. I had to take it apart. It was gleaming. It was like twinkling right in my eye. Stutter, stutter hoop. Stud. That was on him.

Yeah. He should have known. You wake up, you put that stud. You know what the game is. Don't be a bouncer with a nose ring. So I start going in on him and his nose ring. And he starts chirping back. And I get to the point where I'm like, people aren't going to believe this.

I got to take this picture. Yeah. And go to take the point where I'm like, people aren't going to believe this. I got to take this picture. Yeah. And go to take a picture of his nose ring. And they grab my phone out of my hand. Wait, they? Yeah. Like the bouncer.

And then there's like another guy behind him at this point. I don't know. It sounds like you were in a fight with like three dudes on the street. Yeah. So they. They're in a doorway. They're in the door of the bar. And you're on the street.

Yeah. And I'm in the street. And I take a picture. But they take my phone. And the whole court in a doorway. They're in the door of the bar. And you're on the street. Yeah, and I'm in the street. And I take a picture, but they take my phone. And the whole court in the street. And my phone disappears. It falls and then disappears. And I'm on the outside. I'm like, oh, well, I should go. But I got to get my phone back.

I'm like, let me get my phone back. At this point, people are yelling at each other. Because the bartender put his forearm in my chest, you know, and like shoved me out. Little dude. Oh, this is a whole thing. Oh, yeah. Little dude had some torque to him i'll say that oh yeah of course he did best in class towing yeah yeah i was a bartender for quite some time yeah i never put my forearm into a gentleman of your stature because i know it ain't gonna go my way so if someone has the gumption to do that yeah they must have something in there. Something. But also, yeah, I don't know.

Anyway, they have... Also, three to one is... Yeah. I get my phone handed back to me, and it looks like a woman in a high heel stepped on her. Like, the screen is shattered. It looks like a puncture wound. Fucking... So I had to spend, you know... Anyway, I leave. I tell the guy, I'm like, what the fuck, man? Like, this... They're like,

it broke when it fell. I'm like, that... No way. Also, that's on them, though. Yeah. It should have, because it broke. It broke when it fell. I'm like, no way. Also, that's on them, though. Yeah. It should have because they fucking grabbed the phone out of my butt. Like, so I had to spend the whole next day at Sprint in the Apple store taking care of that shit just because this fucking this bouncer. I mean, I was in the wrong, too, but it was kind of a 30 70 thing. You can't grab someone's phone.

Yeah. What are you doing? I'm allowed to take a picture of your stupid nose ring. I mean, that's definitely, you can't touch me. That's the whole, I can do whatever with my phone. You can't touch it. That's when you're crossing the line. And he came to the show the next night.

The bouncer. I didn't even recognize him. The reason I know that is he since then has tweeted at me and Instagrammed me and wants to tell his side of the story on this podcast. And let me tell you this right now, dear listener. There's no fucking way in hell that's ever going to happen. That's so funny.

This piece of shit's the reason I had to spend an entire day at the fucking various malls in Madison, Wisconsin? No. That's so funny. Die as hell. Hey, not only did I break your phone, but you're going to put me on your podcast. Oh, my gosh. But I didn't even know he was there, but I talked about him for like 10 minutes on stage at the show he was at. When he tweeted something in good fun, right?

Like, you had a go at me. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. He's been such a good sport since then that I'm like, maybe I was a dick. Who knows? Anyway. Anyway, you're here. Come see me at Revolution Hall March 8th.

Perhaps Sean Jordan and David Borey will be there, too. I mean, perhaps. There's one show left. The two live AFEs are sold out. The late night stand-up show is sold out. Still tickets available for the early one, but there won't be for long. No. Cop those now.

I'll tell you what's for sure is we will be at the AFEs. So, you know. Oh, yeah. Do some math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just saying. Do the math. Get your calculator.

Do the math. Draw the do the math draw the triangle beautiful mind nerd today we are gathered here today not just to recant tales from madison wisconsin drunken drunken foolishness and and and regretful activities left and right uh we are gathered today to draft things you put on your writer. Yeah. Yeah. Some of us have writers. One of us. One of us. Well, no. I got a writer for some stuff. Writer Strong, dude.

Somebody tweeted that. Oh, wait. It was me. I texted it. What'd you say? It was in our group text. Gene's on Writer Strong. Yeah.

Writer Strong, a real person. Guys, I think I just deleted the note that I have my draft on. That's a bummer. You're going to have to go off top. Off top. Okay okay would that be in your writer to have your list back yeah yeah yeah i'll be okay yeah uh now the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicky game of rock paper scissors played between the three of you fucking right it is so here we go we throw on shoot rock paper sc scissors, shoot! Oh, Sean Jordan wins! Oh, look at that. Sean, na-na-na-na-na-na. My history continues. I've never won. The stunter has become

the stunted. Yeah, I'm in. I was talking about me in that. I never win elections, but I sway them all the time. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel you. Jill Stein over here. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of the draft. Before you do that, I will remind you that it's a serpentine draft. What kind of that? that what does that mean that's a great question wild because you two you

probably should know but i get it if you don't okay let's say you should you should retain try to retain this one let's say that you have uh you can't breathe out of your left nostril last night because you're sick and so you roll over to your right side and then you can breathe okay and then after a while you can't breathe out of your right nostril and you're like god i you know maybe i should roll out of the left side but as you do that you keep trying to breathe out of your right nostril a little bit doesn't work so then you go to your left side and you still can't breathe out of your right nostril but then you you chill for a while and then you can't breathe out of your left nostril because all of the the mucus has traveled from one side of your nose to the other and uh you just kind of go back and forth like that and

then you don't sleep at all oh i was gonna say it's like being at a bar with nate craig you go outside because you're like well nate's gonna come out and then nate doesn't come out so then you go back inside shut anyway you slice it if you pick fourth in the first round you pick second in the uh you pick first in the second round dude it is a bummer when you get stuck out at one of those cold ass bars oh when everyone's because that used to happen at tommy jack's all the time a couple people are too cool for school not nate but like kids in soup balls and they're like oh i ain't going out we

don't have to wait for our shit out there. I'm like, well, if I do, so the fuck do you? Get the fuck out of here. Oh, it's such a, you can like, your stomach hurts. It's so cold. It sucked. As much as I like Nate, I shouldn't have gone out at all. I'm feeling I'm learning valuable lessons about adulthood left and right these days.

I don't know what took me so long. Yeah. But next time, I'll be going back to the hotel with my girlfriend. It's lovely to see you. What about the night when we, whatever, a month ago or something, we got to the roost, we're there and we're like, should we just go home? Yeah.

We were outside the door. Yeah. And we just came home, got a bunch of food, felt way better than we did. Right. It was way better. Yeah. I'm so glad that my reclusiveness has now,

you know what I mean? It's now- We're catching up. Yeah. Because you appreciate it. Yeah. Cause he appreciated. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun to chill with your friends.

Sean, with all that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? Uh, it's going to be me, Zach, David, you,

Ian for the listeners. So Sean, Zach, David, Ian, cause Ian likes that hot corner. Yeah. Well,

we're in the middle of the calzone and everyone likes that. I like that hot corner. He liked that hot corner. I like that hot corner. Yeah. Me and David are going to melt together, dude. Oh yeah. It's great. going to melt together, dude. Oh, yeah.

It's great. Fucking anchovies and gummy bears. You didn't say what was in that, Calzone. Now, with the first pick and the stuff you'd want

on your writer All Fantasy Everything draft, we will find out the first pick right after we take a short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way out the first pick right after we take a short break. born. You can't do that. Two Damon movies. I'm out here. Obviously, you're not ready for that, but you still want to learn a new language because everyone in the world knows new languages. They

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Everything off the menu Every single thing Every single thing Every single thing Every goddamn thing Tell me 10 Baja Blast 10 Dr. Peppers Alright This is again This is for a crew Tell me 10 Baja Blast. 10 Baja Blast. Whoa. 10 Dr. Peppers. How many people?

All right. This is, again, this is for a crew. 10 Apple Empanadas. Yeah. 10 of everything. 10 of everything. So wait, 10 of each kind of soda? Sure.

All right, man. So we're like, I mean. So there's going to be the drink table. Because if we're thinking 10 of each food item, you're going to need a lot of drinks. And you're going to want a lot of choices. Are you a stand-up in this? Is this your stand-up ride

or are you like a pro skateboarder? This is probably for most of these are for the whole crew and I'm doing stand-up but I'm not going to get down

until after maybe I get down you know. Well certainly not on Taco Bell. Yeah. You're not going to eat a bunch of Taco Bell

and go up on stage. I'm not. Comedians. So I just think don't go up there with any volcano sauce yeah i think it would look super cool right just to have all organized and these are like how they look on the menu because i'm a big fucking deal yeah so this is just like those quesadillas like those commercial quesadillas where you're just like i do want to

deliver it while you're on stage if anyone wondered where your priorities lied like is sean the the kind of guy who wants to get laid after a show? Or does Sean just kind of want to kick it with friends? The fact that with everything else in the world an option, you pick 10 of each Taco Bell. I mean, it says it loud and clear. This man wants to fuck. I'm the kind of guy who likes Taco Bell. I honestly thought one of you might touch on Taco Bell.

Maybe not in the first round, but it honestly was not going to come up. It was not. I love it. I love it. But cold, cold Taco Bell. It was honestly, it was not going to come up for so long. They're going to throw away so much of that food. Damn.

Because those beans get cold. The Taco Bell beans are like jizz. Oh, yeah. They get ice cold immediately. I'm not saying this is all getting used. What's up with jizz? Jizz gets so cold so fast. Title of my all getting used. What's up with jizz? Jizz gets so cold so fast. Title of my memoir.

Damn, what is up with jizz? I guess it's kept at a cooler temperature and you're nuts. Is that true? Is that true? Or no, is that just the semen? Maybe not the jizz. That's why. Wait, is semen different than jizz?

Yeah, that's why your balls are like hanging. There's something about how your balls pull to and from. Well, your balls hang off your body because you have to keep semen a little cooler. At a certain temperature. I thought it was all jizz. No. It's all jizzing to me. They mix.

And when you blow, your balls go. I think jizz is in your prostate. I can't believe. And it mixes with your semen. Wait. Are you telling me? Are you telling me I've been semening all these times? I thought I was jizzing.

No, well, you've been bolthing. You've been bolthinging all these times. I thought I was jizzing. No, well, you've been bolthing. You've been bolthing. I mean, yeah. So when you get a vasectomy and there's no semen, you still jizz. Have you been semen pee this whole time? Stuff still comes out when you get a vasectomy. It mixes in.

So it's a little bit like blood and plasma. Kind of think about it like you've got your frosting and then you've got your sprinkles. Are you guys fucking with me? No. Tell me if you're fucking with me. I'm not fucking with you. I feel like there's a doctor banging his head against the desk.

Say I'm a cuss. Frosting. No, we're not cussing. This is great. Frosting is your jizz, right? So that comes out either way. Yeah. Semen, which are the little swimmy around things.

Yeah. That's the sprinkles. And the sprinkles mix in with the frosting. I'm not even. They come out of the cupcake. I don't even mean to be sexist. Yeah. But all my cupcakes got sprinkles. You knowinkles mix in with the frosting and i'm not even they come out of the i don't even mean to be sexist yeah but all my cupcakes got sprinkles you know no this is that that this is perfect wow i feel like a lot of people need to know this yeah i still don't know it yeah you do you just you just broke it down the frosting and sprinkles

is perfect yeah so if you get a vasectomy, there's no more sprinkles. The liquid. The liquid is the semen. The stuff we chew. The jizz is the swimmers. Vice versa. The swimmers are the semen. Yes.

The jizz is the liquid. Yeah, and I bet there's- So I jizz, but I've never had a vasectomy, so I'm- It's always both. I'm busting full nuts. You're busting full nuts. They call me Mr. Macadamia. Mr. Full Nuts.

Mr. International with the full nuts. Okay, Mr. Playing with the full nuts. Mr. Peanut over here. Man, that was a long way around, but it was necessary. Sorry if you were eating a cake. Yeah, sorry. Or at work or doing anything. Or like if you're one of those people that's like,

hey, my kid listens to this sometimes. Well, your kid's better. No, we're not talking about anything graphic. Yeah, we didn't say where it comes from or where is it going. We're not talking about... And that's the vast difference between this podcast and others.

It's a vast difference. Man. The great British jackoff. I like that show because it's so peaceful. It's so peaceful. Yeah. They're just quiet it's not competitive

really yeah dog uh we went we went from me having a whole table cold taco bell

oh fuck that's not what I fucking said I'm not trying to like criticize everything here but I'm just saying it's gonna be funky

in that green room so maybe you'll cover that later it's a big green room how big what are we talking yeah what club is this Rev Hall is a pretty big spot,

and it doesn't have a giant green room. We don't have spot. There's not space for 10 Taco Bell of everything. We're going to say the, like, the, no, not Boston, but the Roseland, the whole basement is the green room. Oh. One of those. Where it's under the stage.

Under the stage is the bigger, like at LA Live at the Microsoft Theater. Yeah. It's under the stage, and it's like. Yeah. At at LA Live at the Microsoft Theater, it's under the stage, and it's like... Yeah. At the Rose, I was only there once with Starfucker, and it was one of those where I'm like, man, this is gnarly, dude. You could maybe do it at Mississippi Studios.

It's a decent-sized green room. You could probably... I'd still get funky, but at least they got a gate. It's like you're in jail or something. No, you couldn't do it at Mississippi Studios. That's a lot. We're talking like...

Maybe half green room, half behind the stage. How many menus? What is that, like 400 things? I don't know, man. There's so many different burritos, and it's 10 of each of them. Yeah, man. By the way, that sucks for whoever that staff member is that has to do this. 10 like nacho cheese burritos, locos tacos.

10 cool ranch. You have to give them like... And they're all in a row, and they look awesome. All the quesadillas are lined up like bullets in a Gatlin gun, dude. And by the way, that driver, could you imagine ordering 10 of everything and the amount of times

that they don't give you something? So they'd have to go back like four different times. I just send them in a Sprinter van. I'm like, get us all through the drive-thru. Don't go in. Don't call ahead. I'll be paying with change.

All right, cool. 10 of each Taco Bell menu item. Yeah. Sean Jordan's first pick. Zach Toscane. taco bell menu item yeah sean jordan's first pick zach tuscany yes your first pick my first pick uh i'm just gonna go you know this is pre-roll joints just a pack of pre-roll joints i don't want to bong i don't want to like touch flour i just want it to be like i can light this up put it out come back to it later in between before the sets in between sets you want like an indica or sativa oh sativa for sativa pre-rolls yeah you want all sativa pre-rolls over here oh yeah in the couch

in the couch indica is the one that chills you out yeah okay yeah i'm an upper you know huh i use the upper the use the upper huh no you look good i'm blind as a bet i'm blind you're not only you're not only a client but you're also a man or wait how's that go president president not only the president i'm also a client but yeah that would be yeah that's just taken care of i always know that it's there it's for other people as well but how many you said a pack so that what is that five or are we talking like yeah like five like the low ones you know like the pre-roll yeah yeah yeah i think you gotta you gotta show guys not even 10 are we talking are we talking like a helium or are we talking about you know like the pre-roll yeah yeah yeah i think you gotta you gotta show guys not even 10 are we talking like a helium or are we talking about you doing like a theater show yeah yeah

like a comedy club yeah yeah that's what i was thinking was comedy comedy club yeah i was thinking like conan green room it could be different different yeah yeah like the conan green room or like the late late show green room that's the size i was thinking okay yeah like a room like a pretty good size i'm thinking i was thinking revolution hall yeah yeah yeah well i mean okay yeah yeah we'll just scale it up then sure maybe five joints for every hundred audience members okay there you go yeah something like that four wait 800 yeah wait what did you decide five joints for every hundred people at rev hall there'd be 40 joints yeah What did you decide? Five joints for every 100 people. At Rev Hall, there'd be 40 joints.

Yeah, 40 joints. It's a nice little hole. Let them make a fun little arrangement maybe with the joints. Yeah. That's what I think you want to do. For sure. For sure.

What if you got like an edible arrangement with like a smokable arrangement or something? An edible arrangement? Dude, you might have just like... An edible... With edibles on it? Just edibles.

It's all edibles. But even if it's a smokable arrangement that you may patent pending by the way why can't you get you should be able to order that for like your stoner

girlfriend or boyfriend for valentine's day you probably can yeah someone's got it it would have to be under ease we're looking for a sponsor yeah exactly

yeah yeah smokable arrangement yeah tell you what you can't smoke any weed. Alabama. I imagine. You're not even going to want that shit.

There's a reason they call it Bamber. They drug test you at the airport. Oh, don't give me no Bamber weed. We don't smoke that shit. I was just there, my friend. You don't like it? No, I won't. Don't lie to your friend.

I might like it. I'm sure it'll be fun. What, I won't. Don't lie to your friend. I might like it. I'm sure it'll be fun. What I'm doing is fun. Yeah, you'll have fun there. I can't talk about what I'm doing now, but watch the Late Late Show after the AFC Championship game. Keep your eyes peeled.

Keep them peeled. Pre-roll joints. Yeah, I like the good pick. I like it. David Borey. Yeah. I like the good pick. I like it. David Borey. Obviously, I'm shooting for the stars here. My first pick, I want a mani-pedi technician. Damn.

Okay. Man, I honestly. Damn, son. Where'd you find this? Bringing out all the tools, got the foot bath. Like, I want a mani-pedi tech. Man, that is, you are right you are right how good would you feel i've gotten how good would you feel i've had one pedicure in my whole life me too it was

mr cartwheel we were in tacoma we were in tacoma and he took us out and i was like are you serious not in a this is whack but i was like let's go we get you know and he's like i'm telling you and i felt so good dude she went i had like a uh a sword from skating and i's like, I'm telling you. And I felt so good, dude. She went, I had like a sore from skating. I was like, go kind of easy on that. She's like, all right. And just fucking wailed on it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And it was gone. And we get those sandals, dude. You feel amazing. It was great. No, Manny Petty Tech on, on, like, and this is just for me. But like, and you guys can, anybody can do it while i'm on stage but like right before i'm gonna get a mani and a pedi oh god and then i put my shoes in some

fresh sock or socks and then some fresh shoes and then go on stage could you imagine a new guy in the crew trying to get one like right before the show and we're like hey you you better get out of that fucking chair what the fuck are you doing? David walks over with just a slight bit of dirt under his fingernails and sets his hand down like, get up, dude. Get up. Get up.

Just don't touch a mic. I think I might do one at NOLA, so. Oh, sure. Yeah, sure, sure. I love it. Yeah, so my first pick, Manny Petitek. I love that. Yeah, that's perfect.

Fuck, with the foot bath and everything? Yeah, and it's just one person. You're so relaxed. I'm tipping huge. Oh, yeah. I'm tipping huge. Everybody in the crew is tipping huge. Have you ever had them do that hot wax on your foot, too?

No, I've seen that. No. Fuck, man. I'm going to have to go for a mani-peni this weekend. Well, did they do that in Tacoma? I can't remember. I can't remember if they did either. They did this hot rock thing.

They did the hot rock thing, I think, where they rub it on the bottom of your foot. Oh, yeah, Tacoma's got hot rocks. Yeah, it's a hot rock. Yeah, they got hot rocks. I think you didn't do the hot rock thing i think where they like rub it on the bottom of your foot there it's a hot rock yeah they got i don't think i think you didn't do the hot wax i think maybe a man moby dong was there okay that paraffin wax yeah i think you opted out of it yeah i think that might have yeah um but that's a good call we should just do that fellas and ladies if you've never done it but fellas you are more predisposed to not get married pennies because for some reason it's been feminized go wild fucking do it yeah yeah you'll be stoked also do all sorts of feminist stuff be softer let's all just be softer like taking care of yourself how did that ever get rebranded as like not for you dude i don't know dude that sucks though crying is another one cry

a little bit god i had a good crying man really oh yeah just like a frustrated one frustrated there was all sorts of stuff going on sure I had a four burner stove and there was a pot yeah it's gonna sound sad but I never see it this way

anytime I'm in a car and I'm by myself and I'm in there longer than six hours I'm crying at some point oh yeah you got to gotta get it out yeah get it out there

you're in there for six hours you know how much I'm gonna cry in Portland in March forget about it the whole time once we fucking fire you from the podcast in front of everybody.

Whoa. I got cool. We're doing it at the early show so come on out. Buy tickets now. Buy tickets to see You're going to want

to see it happen. Giving the spot to Shane. Yeah, Shane's finally doing it. Yeah, not even Torres, dude. A different... Brendan. Mosley, surprisingly enough. Yeah, Mosley, Sugar Shane,

Mosley's doing it. Nobody saw it coming. Yeah. well yeah manny petty are you doing a clear coat at all yeah i might i might do a little clear coat i might do a little clear coat might as well on the on the on the fingers the toes are gonna stay natty natural toes yeah i'm rocking toes natty i get it i just want i just want them to hit me hit me with the with the scrub manny petty tech man that makes me want to switch up my whole fucking golf ball game but i I just want them to hit me with the scrub down. Manny Panty Tech, man. That makes me want to switch up my whole fucking ball game. I know, that was good.

You can really get in the zone while they're doing that. Oh, it's so relaxing. Oh, yeah, you can chill out so hard while that's going on. Before it's like, yeah, it would be great. All right, Ian, first pick. My first pick. I imagine it'll stick around, but just in case anyone steps on it, I have a particular kind of liquor. I never get but if i if i had my druthers in fact this i am i might

if we sell out t shows okay i'm gonna make them get us this okay is the uh don julio 1492 tequila oh is that that crazy shit comes in that crazy tall bottle yeah it is one of the tastiest things 1492 1492 yeah it's one of the most delicious things i've ever tasted cordon like it send bottles of it all the time i don't know why i don't know if he likes it or if it's just like what rich people send each other because it's expensive that's probably it but he busted it out once and i tasted it and i was like my word yeah tequila is crazy how good it is crazy Crazy. When you taste really, really good, you're like, that doesn't even... That's not like booze.

That's like something else. It's different. It doesn't fucking burn. The way that it does burn is like a good burn. Yeah. Welcome to Good Burn, home of the Good Burn. The liquor that you can't tell, you're like, wow, what that...

Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't even suck a little bit. You'll hear flamenco guitar in the distance every time you taste it. It's like a subtle. What was that? Nobody else can hear it

because they're drinking Kid Rock liquor? Actually, Kid Rock's probably got dank liquor. Probably. In the brief period of time that I drank, it was like, man. The moment that I was like, wait, there's clear tequila? And I was like, oh, I actually like tequila now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the yellow stuff was, man, it would send me through the years. And it's like you said, that you like uppers. Tequila's the only alcohol that's a stimulant yeah yeah which is why if i'm going to be drinking before shows that's what i'll drink i never knew that yeah no i didn't know i told you that when you tell me after some whiskey yeah because i was bummed i was probably all bummed out from the gentleman's drink of whiskey, from the brown shit. I like a mid-show

tequila. That's what I did on the last Revolution also. Oh, yeah. That in-between cocktail feels good. Especially when you're going back to do an hour. Yeah, because you did like 30 and then you're like, come back out with a bottle and two beers. It's like wearing

the tie, but you undo the top button. a bottle and two beers. It's like wearing the tie, but you undo the top button. No one really sees it. It's not going to affect it. But to you, it just means a little bit of difference. That one's just for daddy. That's what you do when you drink it. That one's just for daddy. No!

Stop it. Please stop it. That's not what I was doing. That's how I read it. I'd like it if you didn't do that. He's asking you very nicely. I'm sorry, I didn't do it. He's not what I was doing. That's how I read it. I'd like it if you didn't do that. I was doing it. He's asking you very nicely. I'm sorry, I didn't do it. He's asking you very nicely.

Man, I don't know if I've ever talked like that. I can do a pretty specific impression. It's the ESPN voiceover guy for The Jump. The Jump. That's it. That's all he says. The Jump. The Jump.

The Jump. That's only slightly different than the creepy voice I just did. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That voice is awful. Don't. No, I see it in your eyes. Don't do it.

The jump. And you dabbed. I saw that. And you dabbed. The jump. The jump. I don't think there's a way to make that sound creepy. The jump

You're doing it Every time you've done it Gross I don't understand what contest this is You're winning and losing It's just fun Me having fun with my friends Don Julio 1492

Don Julio 1492 How big would you say the bottle is? How big? Is it like a tall ass one is it like a whale bone like one of those Vegas things they do have one that's that thick

is it in my head it's like two feet-ish tall yeah maybe a foot and a half maybe a foot and a half hell yeah I don't just have one

I got money these days you know what I mean we did drink some Johnny Blue on New Year's oh yeah yeah we killed it we killed it I still got the bottle

sitting in there that's Shane Torres' Johnny Blue yep when I was. Oh, yeah. We killed it. We killed it. I still got the bottle sitting in there. That's Shane Torn's Johnny Blue. Yeah. When I was just pulling off it, and you're like, maybe not the Johnny Blue for just the pulling. I was like, oh, yeah, dude,

I don't know what I'm going to do. We got a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue for Shane's half hour when it came out, and I brought it home. I don't think I told anyone how much it cost. I don't know. It's expensive.

It's expensive liquor. You did tell me. You were drinking it. Even more reason I shouldn't have been pulling off. Sounds like't know. It's expensive. It's expensive liquor. You did tell me. And you were drinking it like even more reason I shouldn't have been Sounds like me is telling people actually. Sean was drinking it

like it was the black velvet. Sean was hitting it like it was the black velvet coming in. I'm like, damn, dude. Just spit some of it on the ground. Too much.

So I was in here swashbuckling with it, just fucking spilling little bits everywhere. Grog, he was singing little sales songs. Pouring some out for Ivan Drago. singing little sales songs. Pouring some out for Ivan Drago on some real villain shit.

Ivan Carmel, who's still with us. He is. He is. The Manny Patty Tech, $14.92 Don Julio. Yeah, so that's my first pick. For my second, man, mine are too reasonable. Yeah. Oh, no, no, I got some, well, I got some fucking reasonable

ones. But that's fine. Who cares? All right. So I'm going to go with... If I've got Don Julio 1492, the next thing I'm going to go with is drugs. Yeah.

Like a brief, small little... Like a briefcase of every kind. Just like a little corner where there's some drugs. Uh-huh. And like nothing... no heroin or anything. No, no heroin. But like Molly, some blow.

Some Molly, some blow, maybe some weed. Yeah. Some shrooms, right? Some weed for sure. Yeah, definitely some weed, but I didn't want to step on Zach's pre-rolls. No, no, no. But there's some loose weed. I feel like, yeah, I feel like drugs are just like.

And for everyone, you don't know how some people like to get down? No, that's almost for everyone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some salvia. Salvia, yeah, for people who traveled back in time. Some of that change your mind shit. Sherman Hemsley.

You know, I'm going to be riding that high at performing, but I want everyone else to be able to... I mean, if people are coming in and they're responsible adults who know how to handle their business.

Yeah, that's the thing. Like, you know, when we're lucky enough to get to go in green rooms where we're not on the show, I like them to have some options back there. Not saying I've ever gone to a green room where there's blow, but in this hypothetical situation,

it'd be fun to go back and be like, look at this, look who cares about their friends. And like years later, I want people to be like, those green rooms. Yeah. Those green rooms were like, you know, that was like, those green rooms. Yeah. Those green rooms were like the fucking lost boys. Yeah, I feel like our generation, the green room is always people talking about gardening.

Yeah, it's a lot of that kind of shit. Come on, dude. Too many reps. I like doing this because I heard backstage rules. Yeah. You guys are out here talking about fucking going clear and gluten. Somebody else's project. Yeah, here real cool yeah b sunset it's never great when there's like more than 10 people in a green room also i want to say chaotic i did carol clank show at ucb

sunset yesterday the green room was very fun was it fun yeah so yeah yeah yeah yeah it's fun they got like six green rooms at UCB Sunset. Anyway. Yeah, so this drug, just a variety of them. It feels like a seedy thing to request, but listen, if I'm fantasy drafting, it doesn't. I honestly disagree. I don't think it feels seedy at all.

I think in the sense that we're thinking of the way these drugs will be done, it's just, it's... Also, we have first-hand experience of what we'd like after a show. You know what I mean? And I honestly, I got a short list of of like who's in there doing these drugs and it ain't everyone no you know i got i also got a long list of people that aren't allowed in this not even allowed near it no no thanks for coming to the show don't even get me around that 1492 i don't drink but don't get me around that i'll pour it out like a like a good uncle

just pour it out like a good uncle. Just pour it out. Not like he was saying it the other day. Not like the cool uncle. Oh, I didn't say that. There was a comic at a show who did a great bit about how he's not a cool uncle. He's the strict uncle. Oh, no.

He's like, time to go to bed. I'm your mother's brother. Whoever that was, shout out. That's hilarious. That's so funny. But yeah. No, I don't think it's seedy at all. I think it's just fine to have some drugs in there. All right.

So some drugs in there, David, time for your second pick. Second pick, bringing it back down to earth. Yeah. But this is just, uh,

this one is just, it's not in every green room, but when it is there, it makes it infinitely better. Yeah. I'm talking about a wireless Bose. Oh, so like,

so I can control the music but, like, at a quality, because, like, you ever been in the green room and you're trying, sometimes it ends up you're trying to place

shit off your phone or, like, but when there's, like, a good, like, a good speaker in there that you can control. You can turn it up and, like,

everyone leaves for a second and you're like, shit, I'm alone. Turn it up a little bit. Yeah. It doesn't have to be weird. You can just, oh, sorry,

I didn't hear you. And it's small enough that it's not in the before the show is loud enough so no one's hearing it coming and it's like you want you want that especially for the big shit you want that just like the mood center yeah and what a fun thing to be like hey everybody out like right before you're set you know everybody get out and then you just listen to the shmoney dance or whatever yep but yeah so i love that idea that's such a good pick yeah it's a bluetooth man speaker the bluetooth and the bows so it's the good ones yeah your picks both of them are better than any thought that i had today i've thought about this a bunch though yeah yeah i never yeah well that's fucking sick dude that's perfect and you're picking whatever music you want.

Yeah, and it's just like, yeah, because I learned that at Conan. I was like, yeah. I do that all the time, honestly. We all do in the green rooms. I remember at High Plains specifically coming over and like trying to cut my phone like, huh? Yeah. And it's the worst.

It's the worst whenever that happens. It's all loud in the other room. You got some atmosphere song. You're like trying to bump off the bottom of your phone. Oh, man. No, doesn't this song get you guys pumped for the last 20 years like me? I will say,

you are known too for playing music out of your cell phone. Anytime we're going from one bar to another bar, it's happening. I know, I'm like a child.

You put it in like a red solo cup to try to like amplify it. It works, man. What, you guys didn't watch Slug do this when you were 14 and think,

I'm going to do that one day too, except not with rapping, with comedy. You guys didn't do that? No, cool. I thought everybody did. Zach Toscani. Zach Toscani.

Your second pick. Second pick. My thinking here is, okay, I want some food that I can eat before the show, between shows. I don't need anything super heavy. This is my favorite snack. It's my mom's favorite snack.

Melon and prosciutto. Melon and prosciutto. Oh. Melon and prosciutto. Because you do want to be light on your feet. Yeah, light on your feet. It's not super heavy, but it's like, oh, it's like real food. It's going to sit in there nice. Yeah.

It's a pretty mellow. You're not going to get sick from it. I do request the melon has to come from a farmer's market. I can't supermarket. That shit is horrible. If you've ever had really good melon, it is... It blows away all that hate people give to it. I don't like

melon and prosciutto, but I know I'm wrong. I'm not criticizing you. No, you don't have to be. Do you have it at the same time? Yeah, you just wrap it around. He's very upset. No, I'm learning. You put your hand on your chin.

You're like, well. Should I Google it? Am I going to be upset if I look at it? You wrap her up. You just wrap it around like a slice of cantaloupe. Or you can eat. Yeah, I mean, really do whatever you want. But that's how I've always seen it.

Some people do like melon balls that are wrapped. I've always just had it sliced, you it sliced like how you'd slice a melon to eat it. I'm in. Yeah, it sounds good. A good smell. There's a good fragrance to a melon and a prosciutto. I can smell the opposite of those 15 burritos that someone just hammered down.

There's not a lot of smell coming off. Yes, it will. And people come back there like, oh, even if you don't like them together, you can separate it. Take which one. Well, melon and prosciutto. Yeah. Melon and prosciutto.

Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. Second pick, I'm picking a ping pong table. Oh, a ping pong table. Okay. Just a way to like- Something to put the Taco Bell menu items on. Exactly. It's about the size you'd need.

You're going to need that and another table. Wait, we're drafting like a end of the year college dorm blowout, right? Isn't that what we're drafting? Yeah, I think that just the sodas. Wait, we're drafting like a end of the year college dorm blowout, right? Isn't that what we're drafting? Yeah, I mean, that's clearly... Isn't that what we're drafting? Black light posters. Switch foot.

Yeah, yellow cards live. It's a yellow card show. Cactus cooler. I just think ping pong table is a good way to like, I don't know, chill out, do something. A little... Just kind of repetitive. What's multiple? You could have doubles. You could play beer pong. I just think ping pong table, it's a good way to like, I don't know, chill out, do something a little,

just kind of repetitive. What's multiple? You could have doubles. You could play beer pong. Yeah, there's like a lot of options. I'm in for beer pong. I hate ping pong.

Really? I'm in for beer pong. I like, I like a mellower, I like competitive, like where you're trying to score, but I also just like kind of batting it back and forth. Yeah.

You're not making someone fucking dive into a brick wall. Just like a little rally. Yeah, just kind of, let's just stand also like we're doing something probably like relax you and allow you to you know like repetitive motions allow your mind to wander yeah before a show that'd be really good because you're just like oh i'm just out there like in that space just kind of lose yourself a little bit mom's spaghetti yeah yeah ping pong table. How's it going? I despise bar room games.

Really? From top to bottom. Wow. Turp to burn them. Turp to burn them. Not for terminal. I hate ping pong. I fucking hate pool and billiards.

I hate darts. Uh-oh. Wow. I like shuffleboard okay. Uh-oh. I hate fucking pinball. Oh, yeah. I hate foosball. I don't like pinball. I hate fucking pinball. I hate foosball.

I don't like pinball. I hate all of them. Oh, the golf game? Golden Tee? Yeah. Golden Tee's all right. Golden Tee's fun, dude. I like video games more. Deer Hunter?

Big Buck Hunter I like. Buck Hunter's fun, too. Golden Tee I like. I called it Deer Hunter. My favorite barroom game is the jukebox, and I win every time. What about photo booths? Yeah, I'll do photo if i'm with you know the right group of people we did a photo booth together when we first started going to bars

all we did was play pool that was like our reason to go there yeah we went to bars way too much yeah and we'd justify it be like hey we want to go play pool in the middle of the day might as well drink while we had our own queues and shits so i think that's like i had my own queue hammy had his own queue too that always freaked me out. I was like, I never thought I'd have a roommate. What do you call it?

I don't know, but it had an American flag on it. Yeah, that's awesome. We'd go, Shane Schroeder and I, we'd go play pool during the day. Shane Schroeder, yeah.

Get hammered, 21. He was probably 20 actually. And so yeah, I think that's where a love of bar room games have come. I'm a gifted conversationalist. I don't need a second thing.

Not at all. I don't like cards in that same way that you don't. Because I'm just like, if I'm at a party, I just want to talk to people. I don't want to have this subterfuge. I could play poker if that's what's going on. Right. But not if it's happening at a party. Yeah.

I like all this stuff. I love cards. You love it all? I love barroom games. I used to go. I don't care for them. Foosball, I'm left-handed, baby. Shuffleboard, I like. I got I like all this stuff. I love cards. You love it all? I love bar room games. I used to go. I don't care for them. Foosball, I'm left-handed, baby. Shuffle board, I like.

I got a five-man shot. Pass it up. I used to go all in on Hold'em without looking at my cards and people would lose their mind. Yeah, that's an asshole. What about Cornhole? Do you like Cornhole?

Cornhole is a little too slow for me. If I'm like, what am I, at a winery? Sure, I'll play it. Yeah. But you know. I think it's fun, man fun man yeah i don't know other people playing it but if you know i've gotten to the point where i used to like you want to play pool okay you want to play pool i'm like hard no i like bocce and shoes in a bar bocce's very bocce i would do yeah i used to play bocce in the park in san francisco also shoes i love you in san francisco

yeah they fuck with bocce heavy also i love playing shoes i love horse shoes so bowling but bowling you go to a bowling alley you know yeah that's what you're doing yeah yeah that's a whole bowling soon by the way i think it'd be funny i love bowling but much like melon and prosciutto it's a thing where i'm like i'm not right yeah just by i don't know that other people like it it's just not for me for sure yeah yeah i feel you and rant i'm gonna start saying that what do you guys like i don't like it instagram i'm gonna tell you the honest to god truth all right guys signing off and rant that was a test captain's log i hate games uh ping pong table. Yeah. And then what's your third pick? Third pick is going to be like two of those giant bean bags. Oh, like those real, those real big ones where you can just like flop down. Lovesack.

Yeah. My friend Pete had one growing up. Well, not growing up. We were in 20. This really is a dorm room bag. You really are just building a dorm room. I mean, I'm just thinking like what I would enjoy. But yeah, I mean, I might be.

Like a mini bridge? Yeah, I'm just thinking like what I would enjoy. But yeah, I mean, I might be. Like a mini fridge? Yeah, yours so far is like a startup. It's like a tech startup. Yeah, this is our ping pong table over there. Every day we get 10 of each Taco Bell menu item. Yeah. The coffee machine also makes hot chocolate, dude. So go crazy.

And take a nap on those huge beanbags if you want. We have better things than my job. but effectively the same thing yeah i don't know they're just uh they're just fun i think they'd i'm starting to piece this together and it's really funny looking so i might just have to go all in with my other picks you might have to yeah there's a couple on there where it's like would really top get a fucking rope swing in a bongo drum dude go for it do it do it up do it up i can't i'm glad're going to be in there. I feel like I'm poo-pooing everybody's pics. Again, this is just a me thing. I can't do beanbag chairs anymore because I look so weird getting out of them.

Well, no one ever looks good getting them. I can't just kip up. It's especially weird if you're a big dude because you've got to hand them. And I'm way too cautious getting into them. Yeah, yeah, because you don't want to explode a beanbag chair. That's the worst thing you can do. Everybody's going to tell that. People are going to tweet that shit. Oh, I would. Yeah, yeah, because you don't want to explode a beanbag, Chad. Yeah, everybody's going to tell that. People are going to tweet that shit.

Oh, I would. Well, yeah. This isn't something you're meant to get up from. It's necessarily just chilling, you know. You put it in mind. You know something you want right before you perform. It's blood in. There's no blood out.

Sean's going to be coming up later. He can't get out of the beanbag. Blood in, blood out. He's got his hands on those drugs in the other green room. Yeah, a couple big giant bean bag chairs. What colors? Probably just black.

Black leather? No, like suede, kind of. I think it's a suede. Leather would be insane. Suede? I don't know. Suede? I got two black suede bean bag

chews. They're full of semen, but not jizz. But not jizz! That's a crazy texture. Well, the jizz is silent on you. They're going to be Lego bean bags, alright? They're going to be made out of fucking Legos.

They're going to be made out of Legos. Solvent. The jizz is solvent. The jizz is solvent. They're going to be Lego beanbags, all right? They're going to be made out of fucking Legos. They're going to be made out of Legos, covered in mayonnaise. Solvent. The jizz is solvent. The jizz is solvent. They're going to be filled with jello, goddammit. This is my green room. They're going to be weird.

All right. I don't know. A soft, fun material. Alpaca. That's what they're made out of. Taco Bell, pink botanical, beanbag chairs. God, now I'm just picturing like a quesarito that went out the back end of one of these suede beanbag chairs. If I'm 15, I am hanging out in their green room.

Yeah, your green room sounds like you're trying to fuck your RA. Oh, I'm sorry. Was there a fire alarm pulled in here? Why don't you come in and check it out? Was the TV too loud? I was just watching Jarhead with my shirt off

i got three microwaves why so serious poster oh no unframed why so serious just a piping hot hot pocket sitting on your couch the first time i ever did anything weed related we were at i was at sou southern oregon and it was me and nick nampe not in the room not uh not on this podcast but uh friend friend and uh some weed the weed dude this was like 2003 put a bunch of shake on a pizza and was like eat it what we did and i was like work did that do it both of those things yeah it didn't taste good it tasted terrible ruined both things and i was just like i think maybe I see something weird, but I was just tired, I think. That's why kids shouldn't have a bunch of weed.

They always blow it. Yeah. What was that guy? I don't know. I was like, we'll just smoke it next time, you fucking dork. Put it on the pizza. So he would only sell it to you? I don't even know if he sold it to us.

I think he gave it to us. That weird phase of, though, when you're like, what if we like crumpled weed up and put it on the sub, dude? And you're like, I don't know. Then we waste all the weed. Yeah. You don't know that it doesn't do anything yet. The internet wasn't around to know that you need to activate the ingredients. I feel like if someone of your friends would know how to smoke.

Not one of mine did. Go overestimate. We were from South Dakota and we were like 13. So, you know. Anyway. Giant beanbags. Two big ass beanbag chairs. Zach to Scott.

Yeah. Third pick. Boy, I'm going to go with some Slim Jim minis. Yeah, I bet you are. Are you serious? Some Slim Jim minis. All right. This is the opposite of the mean pursuit.

This is post-shows. I'm going back to my hotel room, and I just need, dude, just like a box of them. Slim Jims do taste the best in your hotel room after a game. Oh, yeah. That's true. There's something nice. No one can see you. Yeah.

If you're ever in that Holiday Inn across from a gas station, and you're like, I'm going to hit up that gas station. I'm going to go buy whatever they got for Slim Jims. I mean, I do my version of, you know, like a little plate like I did last night. What do you do again? Well, I get these like $5 fucking toast,

like cheese toast, and then pair them with Slim Jims. He's old, and he goes, a little charcuterie, you think he is? I make a little charcuterie plate. What is it?

It's this local brand called Off Melrose Crackers. They're just like sourdough toast with cheese on it. You got to watch out for those Off Melrose Crackers. Dude, it's burning a hole in my pocket. But anyway, it's like Melba toast, but with cheese on it. What do they sell them over the Armenian? No, no, at Ralph's. Oh, John Ralphie's.

Yeah, John Ralphie's. Yeah, local brand. But anyway, I pair them with Slim Jims, and they, ooh, what a beautiful symphony. You like the Slim Jim minis? Yeah. Tight. Okay. Well, the minis I like more because I feel like they don't get dried out as much, and

there is some satisfaction with tearing them out and just... I get that. Yeah, and they can be like one bite oh man i really want to get in our life this is this is a statement free of judgment and people might think it's a loaded question i swear to god it's not because i also love slim jams right have you had like really good pepperoni sticks before and if so do you still prefer slim jims um i've had other i've definitely had other beef jerkies like probably more and i've had like homemade beef jerky and that's always better but i've just eaten slim jims since i was like 10 yeah so there's that flavor to it where you're like oh i like that fucking ooze i like it too there's that the skin off that crunch too that

would like when you crunch through the skin it's kind of it's gross oh you crunch through the skin, it's gross. Oh, yeah. It's your breaking point. I do. Dude, I used to eat them in so many... You don't need to get into it. I had different ways to dissect them. There's no wrong way.

I used to eat them in so many detox tanks, bro. I used to peel off the skin, eat the skin first, and then just squeeze out the ooze. He used to have a joke about that. He had a little joke about having the beef sheath. The beef sheath. You fill it with M&M's. M&M's. You launch them at people.

Yeah. The beef sheath. The beef sheath. That's the beef sheath Shane Torres. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't know it at the time, but he is. In between the beef sheaths.

Really good. I love a really good pepperoni stick yeah have you gone like to a fucking farmer's market gotten one of those no we gotta figure out a way to do that so they are pretty sturgis beef jerky it's like the opposite of this stuff it's like pull apart jerky but it's fucking real good tight yeah david boy talk to your third pick i've thought about this and uh cause you want a competitive nature people have been saying games I'm thinking my dream green worm first person shooter cabinet

oh like Buck Hunter uh huh or Time Crisis Operation Wolf yeah something like that Operation Wolf

what was that Aerosmith one oh there's an Aerosmith you remember that one no yeah it was an Aerosmith one where you would launch like records it was I'm with that what was that uh aerosmith one oh there's an aerosmith remember that one it was an aerosmith one where you would launch like records it was um area 51 area 51 uh duck hunt on there yeah the zombie one house of the dead yeah it's like because it's like one of those things that you

can do one person at a time or multiple people are doing it or everybody in the room is involved in it when i'm doing my set you don't have to be you know you got shit to do in there you know what i mean yeah like because i hate it when my friends are there and they're like obligated to go you know right i just think a first person cabinet what shooter cabinet would be like the perfect yeah i don't i honestly don't want my friends coming to watch the show and i went in this green room i want them hanging out like this is the hangout there the show is like you've seen it i'm going to work yeah we're gonna hang out after i get off let me do this yeah you kick it in here in this magical room that you have yeah sean you saw someone do time crisis

right by himself when he had his own holsters brought do we tell you this yeah i heard about that brought to quarter world or whatever it's called his own holsters he had both fucking guns locked down and he was like dancing and shit what was his name like they were chanting his name right was it pd or jason or something i don't remember but they were yelling his name they were it was it was crazy but yeah it was crazy first person shooter cabinet pinball wizard yep i'm in over in the corner sound on it or sound off sound off nice yeah so all you can hear is the talking shit and then the schmoney dicks. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Talking shit.

Fuck. Yeah, that's all you need. I don't need the whole experience. I love that. Yeah. I'm super in. That sounds dank. Yeah, Aerosmith had a first-person shooter.

It was called Revolution. And I don't really know what the plot was. And you just threw records at people? Yeah, you shot records at people. It had a gun. Yeah. That's nuts. No, i've never heard of that it had two guns were you steven were you steven tyler and joe perry uh like did it look like the weathered old hands of a warlock throwing these revolution x hold on let me look and a dystopian version of 1996 also the plot for demolitionition Man. Yeah, seriously.

An alliance of corrupt government and corporate military forces have taken control of the world in the guise of the New Order Nation. The NON, with their vampish commander, Headmistress Helga, have declared war on youth culture. Anyone aged from 13 to 30. Oh, we're out, boys. And have banned all forms of music, television, magazines, and video games. The player travels to Club X in Los Angeles to see Aerosmith perform live,

but the band is captured by NON troops and hustled off the stage in the middle of their show. After escaping from the club, the player steals a helicopter and flies across the city to find the band's car. From here, the player must destroy three NON installations in other parts of the world then traveled london to defeat helga and her remaining forces at wembley stadium is it crazy that i believe no one ever actually got that far yeah no i know you mean like like

no one ever played that game enough to get to wembley what a bummer to be like yeah nobody ever beat your game. Nobody ever gave a shit. They got their money. The soundtrack consists of several Aerosmith songs continuously looped. Eat the Rich, Sweet Emotion, Toys in the Attic, Walk This Way, and then a Muzak version of Love in an Elevator. And it's just those

songs on lube? They couldn't get the rights to Love in an Elevator? The console version includes loops of Ragdoll and Fever. Ragdoll, leave it in. Which one's includes loops of Ragdoll and Fever. Ragdoll. Which one's Fever? I don't know, man. Yeah, it's probably

something like that, right? First Mr. Shooter. Okay, it's time for my third and fourth picks. For my third pick, I'm going to take a Ray. Damn it.

I knew it. Of Diptyque Cand. Damn it. I knew it. Of diptych candles. Yeah, shit. Nice. I knew it. On Zach's pic just now, I'm like, I wonder if I'm getting candles. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I am, of course.

No, sir. Of course I am. Specifically, the diptych base candle, which is that black one they make. Ooh, it smells so good. They all smell so good, dude. You know, I love a, it smells so good. They all smell so good, dude. You know, I want like, I love a room that smells good anyway. And if I'm going to have my room exactly the way

I want it, it's going to have a couple of dip tea candles in it. Just fucking smelling delicious. Oh yeah, get your zen on. Your spiritual home, you know. And those things burn for 40 hours. So when you're done with it, take it to Cleveland. Right in the back. You're off to Cleveland with it.

Right. Oh, yeah. Right in the back. Those dudes burn for 40 hours. I'll see you at Hilarity's. That thing has to go. You have to check that bag, though. I'll tell you that right now for free.

You can't. If you take a candle in your overhead, it's always getting searched. Oh, yeah, for sure. Oh, really? Especially if it's still lit. You're like, it's 40 hours. I can make it to Buffalo. It's 40, right? I covered it with still lit. You're like, it's 40 hours. I can make it to Buffalo.

It's 40, right? I covered it with foil. Listen, you dickhead. You ever been on a plane before? It stinks. Oh, I can't bring a burning candle onto a plane? Yeah. Why don't I also take this puppy out of my bag?

You used to love this country. I can't have this hell. Those who would surrender freedom for safety deserve neither. Ben Franklin. So I'm taking have this hair. Those who would surrender freedom for safety deserve neither. Ben Franklin. So I'm taking this candle on. Just do that thing where you're like, you're clearly in the wrong, but you're looking for anyone to make eye contact with you.

Right? Right. They're taking it from us. Am I crazy? Am I crazy? Okay. Oh, I'm the asshole. I shouldn't get on the plane, you're saying.

But I also like, I mean, if you have enough of them, you could turn most of the lights off. Oh, man. You know? That happened to me one time. Then you gotta go, Reggie Watts. Oh, yeah, Reggie Watts. The atmosphere of a green room is so important.

And to have mood lighting, the smell, it's like, oh, it's all getting me ready for what I'm about to do. Yeah, definitely. So an array of dip tea candles. Slightly different than Taco Bell. Slightly different. And then, oh, one thing I really like having is,

and this doesn't go exactly with the vibe, I like a big TV with some sports on, but muted. Yeah. Comedy attic. Oh, yeah. Put the game on. Can we put the game on? Put it on, but muted.

Yeah, yeah. Comedy attic is never muted. Oh, no, but I'm just saying the situation of like. Oh, yeah. Put the game on. Can we put the game on? I said, but muted. Yeah, yeah. Comedy Attic is never muted. Oh, no, but I'm just saying the situation of like... And it doesn't even matter what... It could be like series Italian football, and you're like, yeah, sure, I don't care. You know what I hate? When the TV is the stage.

That's traffic radio. Oh, yeah. When they're like, oh, we got it rigged, and I'm like, who the... Why the fuck would I want to watch that? Would I want to watch my opener yeah I can hear it

I don't give it on VHS quality yeah if I was gonna go watch their set I'd just go watch their set yeah I get it I get it

to have it to be like oh it looks like they're wrapping up let me head down sure right but like but yeah

I'm like I'm not gonna watch it if I want to watch someone's set I'll just go sit that's the luxury of performing but it's always on mute though you can sit in the back so you can never hear it. If I want to watch someone's set I'll just go sit. That's the luxury of performing. But it's always on mute though. You can sit in the back.

So you can never hear it. Yeah that is just looking at someone tell jokes on mute. Comedy on State has the dopest they've upgraded their green room. Have they really? It's crazy. So just for It's so nice.

It's upstairs so if you're there you take an elevator up to the third floor so you're completely away from everyone. Private bathroom which is there's two bathrooms up there. And that's clutch. On a two-show night when you've had comedy club food?

Oh my God. Clutch. It's amazing. Those chicken fingers go right through you. What'd they upgrade? What else? They had a massage chair in there before. It's still in there.

It'll blow your mind when you see it. It's crazy. That plays fucking rules. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. There's a guitar in there. Oh yeah? What'd you play? Just the one thing i know how what do you know the beginning of third planet

oh dude that's a great song boom boom but yeah sports game muted i was uh when when i was in madison i had like the blazer game on mute like before and then it just allows you to be mindless which is sometimes what you need to be of course you think about your set and then it just allows you to be mindless, which is sometimes what you need to be. Of course. You think about your set and then you just want to not think about anything. Right. It's distracting, but not so distracting. But like you said, like a series A soccer game, that's perfect because I'm just like, what are these guys doing?

Exactly. I mean, that's why all these comics are on their phone all the time. They're not doing anything. They're just like zoning out. Right. Yeah, just chill. You don't retain.

If you're on Twitter, you're not retaining it. You're just like thinking about nothing. Oh oh there's nothing worse than someone who doesn't understand that so it's like when you're like you're clearly standing up with your eyes like not closed but you're like focusing someone's like oh what are you doing tonight you're like dude shut up yeah i don't know man probably gonna have a drink over there at the bar yeah probably not just not freaking out it's kind of weird and you're like just don't you got headphones in and someone's like hey well not turn this into a complaint fest but yeah it is funny when people don't quite get that vibe and you're like come on you're gonna just chill yeah yeah the thing that bugs me is when i walk into a store

with headphones in fuck dude am i being a dick by walking in with headphones no no absolutely not i feel like i'm good i have started that too i feel like i'm giving off a i'm here on my own yeah you if i need help i know how to kind of like i look around for it no i love being stoned at the grocery store yes oh it's the best all representatives are currently busy yeah yeah they can't be bothered people i work with we'll get on the elevator two of us we won't even we won't even think about talking to each other we work together we gotta ride down 16 floors and we're like we get it the most beautiful thing is when you get a haircut and they don't talk to you oh gosh yeah last one i got she was she was bumping those gums it was fun but i made the mistake of saying i was a comic i don't think i told you that first thing

she's like what do you do i was oh i'm a comedian i'm like what are you doing i was a little in too good of a mood yeah you gotta go to the old guy we're gonna go to man you know anyway yeah oh yeah tbs and sports i'm muted right dave time for your fourth pick oh my fourth pick i've thought about this also uh mini fridge filled to the brim with non-alcoholic beverages oh yeah here's here's what i'm thinking you're gonna have a waitress or a waiter uh-huh so you're good you're gonna have a server so you're gonna be able to put your drinks into the bar yeah those drinks are comped anyways i just want a lot of options it's great when you like open a little fridge it's like they got Red Bulls, sugar free Red Bulls orange juice, grape juice

Coca Cola, Sprite, pineapple juice like I love a full you have a strawberry Fanta cause you're like fuck it I don't know I'm gonna have a tropical mango juice when's the next time I'm gonna get one of those full fridge stocked full of non-alcoholic

man yeah brilliant cause the alcohol you're gonna get it we work in late night entertainment you know it's gonna be there it might be tricky to get pineapple juice though if you're like hey let me get a like big pineapple juice they're like sorry no well I don't want a huge

one I just want big cranberry I just want enough I just want representation I just want six of those little 10 ounce yeah it doesn't have to be a gallon I get so stoked when I open up a fridge and just want six of those little 10-ounce cans. It doesn't have to be a gallon. I get so stoked when I open up a fridge and see a bunch of drink options in it. A bunch. It's the best feeling.

You're like, guava juice? Yeah. I think you bring it up in comedy on State and Madison. Again, open the fridge. So many different kinds of fucking liquor. They got all kinds of little bags of jerky and trail mix and granola bars and all kinds of shit too.

One of my favorite things about show business jobs. Yeah. They feed you. And they have a bunch of drinks. There's always a bunch of drinks on it. Especially when it's a place that- I go to my manager, I take drinks home. Oh, yeah.

Every time I work at a club. Oh, God. I take things from clubs when I don't. I'm like, well, I'm going to... If someone will drink these four Red Bulls. Yeah. Backpacks full of Red Bulls. Oh, Red Bull.

That's like getting three extra bucks. Diet Red Bulls and Fiji water. Yeah. Oh, I steal Fiji water like a motherfucker. Dude, helium didn't... I've never paid for Fiji water and I've drank a lot of Fiji water. Helium didn't have a drink left in that fridge by the end of any of our weeks. And these are feature weeks.

Yeah. Technically, probably not supposed to be doing that. I't care yeah no i'm yeah i'm with you grossman's a millionaire but yeah stocked mini fridge full of non-alcoholic beverages yeah beautiful it's just nice when a comedy club like gets what you're like oh yeah this is what comics would want like you don't need anything big just some like a little variation yeah the tuscan time for your fourth pick all right this one is gonna i'm a fidgety person and this is a pack of flossers oh yeah wow pack of those individual flossers six kids doing that flossing dance man i'm always flossing and it's just a night it's like the pedicure thing it's just something where you're like oh

my teeth are fucking there's nothing in them i can feel they're nice and smooth you're like, oh, my teeth are fucking, there's nothing in them. I can feel they're nice and smooth. You feel ready to go. And it's that nervous energy pre-show where you're like, oh, I can do this. And it's like relieving some of this. Sure. That's a good call. Yeah. That's a very good call. Man. Nothing glitzy, but it's like they're gonna get used. Yeah, but you need it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially with prosciutto.

Oh my God, that's a good call. That's getting in those teeth, dude. And then, because you don't want that shit. You don't want to be on stage. Oh, no. That's a mountain goat meat.'s getting in those teeth, dude. And then because you don't want that shit. You don't want to be on stage. Oh, no. That's a mountain goat meat. It'll climb all the way up here at crevasses. It can't be aging well in your mouth of all the meat. Slim Jim's age, you know, it's probably about the same.

You find a piece in there. Pursuit aging in your mouth? Yeah. Yeah. That's a dry-aged meat, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That's all I know about it.

You know, that's a dry aged meat yeah i'm just scared about what i'm about to say next it's just sounds you guys are killing it i just want a pencil to write down my ideas the shit that i had on my list that didn't make it we had we were thinking of different green rooms i'll tell you that uh flossers great pick sean uh all right your fourth and then your fifth as it is serpentine draft all right uh my fourth pick is going to be uh nice new shoes for everybody so everybody in the crew oh fucking eddie griffin over here new shoes new shoes for everybody so like i don't know that doesn't fit with your other i don't know. That doesn't fit with your other shoes. I don't know. No, no. That's like a... With Taco Bell,

those shoes are getting ruined. I don't know how this works exactly, but I'm thinking like, I'm looking at you three and I'm thinking, we all have new shoes. That'd be dope. Like we walk in

and they're all the same. They're not like what we're going to throw them on right that night. But like what Kinfolk did for us where they're like, oh yeah, here you go. Shout out to Kinfolk.

Yeah, if you guys want to send any other shoes, anybody wants to send us shoes. Every time I look at those shoes. I've never turned down shoes. I get so pumped. Yeah, new shoes. That CD by New Shoes. Yeah, New Shoes. Tell me what it's all about.

Would they all be the same pair of shoes? Yeah. Same colorway? Every time? Well, I mean, they don't have to be. Like they're always Cortez's or whatever they be? It's not like someone's getting Dunks and someone's getting Janowskis or something. They're all like the same kind of shoe.

Maybe different colorways. Maybe in our case, like home team colorways on the same shoe for like whatever city you're from. Oh, that'd be cool. Something like that. I imagine there's people at home right now thinking this pick is bullshit. Why?

Just because it's like new shoes doesn't seem like a thing you would get in a green room you know what i mean when you think of a green room you think like maybe a food or a drink or an experience or something that'll help prepare you for the show but i'm gonna get your back on this because who was it eddie griffin yeah somebody did i think it's eddie griffin but like like every show a new pair of jordans is on the writer right well somebody somebody used to take all their friends out and just buy i think it was russell peters would buy him shit all day

yeah i was just thinking about like there's not like 50 new pairs of shoes in this green room there's like six and it's for the people that i came with yeah people in my crew i do want that on your rider on my rider because it doesn't have to be just shit that you want it's your fucking rider. Right. So, yeah, that's what I want new shoes for everybody. I mean, I'd rather

you just pay me, dude. No. Can't send these shoes back to feed my kids. It's that thing where you're like, you have to flip them on Goat app. You have to take it for yourself. It's one of those things like

take this for yourself. It's not money. It's like this is just a little come up. It's cool. So, yeah, new shoes for everyone in the crew. Fucking new shoes.

Fucking new shoes. And your final pick? I feel we've covered things, but Jameson and PBR. There's going to be a bunch of it in my room. If you don't drink it, then you go take your ass down to the store, find something else. Yeah. But yeah. Are you concerned that the bar wouldn't have those items?

No. At most point, well, like if Rev Hall, Oh yeah. Yeah. But it's like, it's just, you want it like you want. Oh yeah.

They don't. Huh? Well you, I mean, you don't have a server so much, you know, most, if you're ever doing a theater,

it's, you're going to want it on your writer. You're doing a club. I guess that's different. Well, even with a theater and honestly, or a club, I,

if I want it, I want it. I mean, this is the point of a writer. I want it right there. I don't want to wait for a server to come around. So I'm like, I want it. I mean, this is the point of a rider. I want it right there. I don't want to wait for a server to come around. So I'm like, I don't want to wait for a server to bring me liquor.

Just give me that bottle of black velvet. Bunch of Jameson and a bunch of PBR. I just want to slam it. Jamo. Jamo, bro. How many bottles of JamesonM-O-S-O-N? Ten. There's ten.

Ten of every flavor. I thought you said there were six of us. Dude. Do you realize what you've put on me? Six of us that got the new shoes. Fucking 40-inch Doritos. By the way, that's a horrible night for your friends. You're going to get hammered.

You're going to eat Taco Bell, and you're going to get brand new shoes. Barf all over your new shoes. Yeah. I had a good time at Sean's show until I got diarrhea all over my new dunks and then puked everywhere because I was drunk on Baja Blastmask with Jamo.

All that ping pong. Yeah, all that ping pong. It didn't sit well with my stomach. I was crushing Pabst Blue Ritos. That's my green room. I got one night of diabetes. It's the first case of temporary onset. One night of diabetes and the world's your oyster. Sean was pouring Jamo in those tacos like it was fire sauce. Yeah, I got a weird green room.

Yeah, by the end he's just pouring Jamo in those tacos like it was fire sauce. Yeah, I got a weird dream. Yeah, by the end he's just pouring jamo into the taco. Taco shots! Bangkok. Oriental setting but the city don't know what the city is getting.

The creme de la creme of the chess world in a game that features everything but Yule Brenner. Are those the words? Yeah. That song is wild. That's insane.

It's from the musical Chess. Oh, I didn't even know that. Wow. One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster. That's my buddy Darian Black. He used to always sing that song. Oh, yeah, Darian. Darian, what's up?

Zach Scani, your final pick, the final item on your rider? Final pick, a Lego set. Oh. That's real fun. I leave it at the club. I'm never going to bring that shit with me. The final item on your rider? Final pick, a Lego set. Oh. That's real fun. I leave it at the club. I'm never going to bring that shit with me.

I just want to build it. Yeah. And then I leave it. But it's like a perfect in-between show. Oh, maybe I don't want to go out and talk to anyone, so I'm just going to stay in the green room and build this. You can pick it up. You have the whole weekend, so you don't have to do it all in one night. No, that's fantastic.

Yeah. That's it. What Lego set? Yeah, anything particular. Well, I would just tell them. I would give them like a, it's got to be at least like over $75, but just anything. I don't have any. So you'd be delighted.

So sometimes it would be the Millennium Falcon. Yeah. Sometimes it would be a mountain police station. Yeah. An underwater base. Sure. Harry Potter's school. Yeah. That station. Yeah. An underwater base. Harry Potter's school. Yeah.

That one. Hogwarts. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. They got a variety of Harry Potter ones. Yeah, they do. I mean,

Lego's dang good. They're doing Lord of the Rings, I think, now. I'm going to do everything. That's what I said. Yeah, dude. Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Rings. Yeah, Stan those books. Big of the tings. Yeah, that's a good man. Yeah. And I don't have to buy a Lego set as an adult man. You don't have to feel guilty because if you leave it there,

somebody's got a kid, they'll bring it home. Oh, yeah, for sure. Or they just leave it in the green room. And so also someone's going to go in there and be like, see, showbiz. It can be all right.

They can be constructive. They're not all monsters. Some of the floss and put legos together smoking a joint and smoking a slim jim mini dude i bet slim jim minis would get you fucked you mix them up i just cut open a slim jim mini and put weed in the middle like a blunt. That would work. Use the skin. I'm saving this. I'm not going to say it on the podcast. Are you going to save it for the doctor to tell him what you did?

Just leave a little bit of the meat as the filter. Save it for the judge. That's what you need to do. I don't know if I need my weed meat filtered. David, I can't believe you'd say that. Of all people. I know. I don't.

He said it before. He doesn't like sweets in his meats. That's the thing. I just, I don't want to. That's fine. Those are combining two worlds I don't feel comfortable. Do you consider weed sweets? I don't.

Some of it, depending on the flavor. Wait a minute. Are you defending the idea of smoking weed out of a Slim Jim? Even for a second? He did get real serious. David said he didn't want it, then you fucking turn around. I'm like, we're having a house meeting? It's the most logical thing in the world that somebody wouldn't want that.

David, I'm concerned about you. Zach did cross his legs a little bit too. I don't want it. I don't want it at all. David's just like, I don't think it's an unreasonable request. I've got to pitch forward to his throat. You're telling me. You wouldn't. Oh, that's tight. We have fun. David, it's time for your final pick okay

so it's a lot but it's not a lot yeah five medium gourmet pizzas yeah that's great because gourmet pizzas think about it oh that's the food that always gets eaten yes in the green room it's always the good pizza is always gone. Like a wood-fired? Yeah, and you got five of them. So you got maybe a margarita. Maybe one with artichokes and spinach and white sauce. Barbecue chicken.

Yeah, but five different flavors. Really good one. And it's the perfect, because you're never going to get full. Right. You're never going to eat enough to be full before a set, you're never going to eat enough to be full before a set. But you do want to eat enough to feel like you ate something. Yes. So, like, two, three pieces of pizza really hits the spot for that.

Yeah. Like, two pieces of good pizza, and then you're like, okay. And it's thin enough that it doesn't get soggy. Yeah, yeah. And it stays for a while. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

So. That's great. Yeah. Five medium. The dough. The dough's amazing. People keep saying, like, this while. Yeah, it's like, yeah, so. That's great. Yeah, five medium. The dough, the dough's amazing. People keep saying like, this dough. Yeah. The toppings are good, but this dough, what is this dough?

All the people that live in the city where you're at, and they're like, oh yeah, I went there once. It was really, really good. Yeah, like with the airy, where they got, oh yeah, you know they bring the water in from Brooklyn. Oh, that's Pond Julio's? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Pond Julio's.

What you gotta do when you go in there, you ask them for a little sasson on it, and they'll give it to you. One person's like, they fly the water in from New York. It's like, they donulio's. Yeah, Ponjulio's. What you got to do when you go in there, you ask them for a little sasson on it, and they'll give it to you. One person's like, they fly the water in from New York. It's like, they don't do that. Yeah, that's never what they do. They don't fucking do that.

No, they don't, Shane. We'll hear nothing more. I fly the water in from New York. I walk it in. Got a postmate. I fill up both my golden gloves. Yes, ma'am. I like a Moscow mule, please, ma'am.

I'm headlining my golden gloves. Yes, ma'am. I like a Moscow Mule, please, ma'am. I'm headlining. Headlining. But yeah, five medium gourmet pizzas. I'll have a bagel and cream cheese. Hold the bagel. Can I get a Bacardi Limon and red-eye gravy, please? Thank you, ma'am. Whipped cream on ice.

Y'all got Tampico for my vodka? Never mind, I brought my own. He would turn on that Southern charm, too, when he's a word nerd. He does all the time. Give me grits and hot sauce. I call it grits and shits. Let me get that M&M. That's Malort maple syrup.

Oh, God. Mal syrup. Oh, God. Malort. Oh, man. Boy. Malort, dude. I was with a dude in... A squirt. Mike Malort.

In Bloomington. He was a Malort guy, and he just kept getting shots. Shots of Malort. No, wait. In Chicago, those shots are like a dollar, though. Wait, was it Rumpelmintz? Okay, yeah, yeah. The Middle East. Yeah, Chicago. But it's like a dollar, though. Was it Rumpelmintz? The Midwest.

I thought it was only in Chicago. You know what the Midwest is. Young and Restless. That's crazy how far apart the Midwest and the Middle East are. You think they'd be right next to each other, but man, they couldn't be farther. Chicago and Chirac.

Oh, where are you from? Middle East. Middle West. If people in the Middle East are talking about the Middle West and they're just talking about Sheboygan. Oh, you're from Qatar? I'm from Sheboygan. You guys got the $1.50 cafe at the Costco?

I don't know. Cheese Sheboygers. Five medium gourmet pizzas. Perfect. My final pick is... I'm going to... Are you okay? It's like I've never been

in a green room with what I picked. It's just funny. It's just funny. I'm going to call it just a freshen up station. Tell me if this is too many things combined,

but I'm talking about like I would have my Aesop deodorant spray that I love. Oh, no. This is perfect. So I can put a couple spritzes on before i walk out yeah uh fucking deodorant whatever it feels good fucking smelling good so it's just that spray and then uh we've got like some of those uh maybe some burts bees face wipes yeah when you come off stage you've been sweating uh so you can just like wipe off your face so you feel clear and clean oh yeah and a towel you dry off a little bit.

I think that's fantastic. A little hair product. Some scissors if you've got a wild eyebrow. Some lip rollers, some breath pens. A little mouthwash so you want to go out feeling your best. You do want to go out there feeling bulletproof. It's like in football

when all your shit fit perfectly. Your gloves were tight. Your pants were tight. Your shoulder pads were, yeah. Like your gloves were tight, your pants were tight, your shoulder pads were the right, and then you were like, okay, I could knock a motherfucker's head off. You're doing all those moves like when the Power Rangers became like Megazord or whatever. You know, you're like. Like Dirk Diggler in the mirror at the end of Boogie Nights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just doing karate. You're just fucking together, man. Doing karate with your big fat heart. If you didn't have a beard like a fresh shave before a show would feel really nice yeah

but it's just that but the biggest part is coming off like going out and smelling good and feeling good you want coming off

if you're about to go you know maybe I'm gonna do some of these drugs maybe I'm gonna have some of those but you're gonna go like talk to the people

and you wanna like let me be sharp and smell good and have them be like damn he just did an hour and now he smells amazing that is a good point because especially at those theater shows it's hot and what am i talking about this club shows too oh yeah the lights are just banging on you for an hour and you're just sweating regardless if you're nervous or not you're just right you're like kind of hot and exhausted too i don't know about y'all but i make most of my i make most do most of my tour gigs in the summer because I'm not a big draw.

Oh, yeah. So that's like, I'm in Austin when it's 110 degrees or whatever. Not this time, baby. No, it's going to be cool. I mean, we might be there when it's 110, though, throwing up all over 6th Street. Who knows? Yeah, if we go back to South Bay.

I think it'd be fun. All this we and throwing up. Yeah, you threw up. You and throwing up. I'll be there. Oh, no. Listen. I've never said it, but you threw up that'll be there listen I've never said it but you threw up that weekend too sure

Sean just leaned back and showed us his balls and then crossed his legs basic instinct style oh that's right at the house and I'm over here nodding my head like uh huh is that I found this at Airbnb during South by Southwest I get to barf in it if I want to my fault

my fault whatever it happened it was great this an Airbnb during South by Southwest. I get to barf in it if I want to. My fault. My fault. Whatever it happened, it was great. Yeah, we got to try to get one right now for this year. That wraps it up. That's the rider draft. Starting at the top. Sean, you went first. You took ten of each Taco Bell menu

item. I thought we were being crazy. If you can get it from Taco Bell, you got ten of them. And then a ping pong table. And then two big ass bean bag chairs. And then nice shoes for everyone. And then ten bottles of JMO. And an undetermined amount

of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sounds like you ran away from home. These are your demands for your parents to let you come back. I was like, I better see 10 of everything. Even the cinnamon twist. It's like the boy king of Gary, Indiana.

Michael Jackson? Oh, yeah. Never mind. Yeah, that's it. Zach, just going to you one second. You took a number of pre-roll joints sativa preferably a little melanin prosciutto some slim jim minis you know some jim mini you could put through the melanin prosciutto like it was a stick uh some of those little mini flossers what a reasonable man

and a lego set that's it yeah yeah i ain't leaving that green room i'm staying there all week yeah you're sleeping there david you went third third. You took a mani-pedi tech, which is fucking great. Yeah. A wireless Bose speaker. Man. A first-person shooter cabinet. A mini fridge filled with non-alcoholic bevies. And five medium gourmet pizzas.

Jesus. I mean. That sounds pretty legit. That's fucking. I'm in that green room. I'm ready to do an hour. I'm taking that Bluetooth speaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man. I want yours before a show hour I'm taking that Bluetooth speaker yeah yeah yeah man I want yours before a show I'll tell you that yeah but then I like mine for after a show

I went last when I took the Don Julio 1492 yeah a big pile of drugs a bunch of candles a sports game on mute and then a little

freshen up station yeah it's almost like after you get off stage you enjoy those things in the reverse order yeah it's like you get you get off stage you enjoy those things in the reverse order yeah yeah it's like you get off freshen up catch the tv yeah go hit the drug yeah walk the candle go hit the drug table and then all right let's see what this let's make a drink and go out talk

to the people it's funny when you call it a pile of drugs sounds more reasonable than if you're like in a pile of coke. A pile of drugs? Could be anything, man. Zyrtec. Just a loose pile of cocaine on a card table. I just need enough of it to be piled. It just has to legally be a pile. We

left some good stuff on the board. I put a dazzling array of grapes. I had a barber. Oh, yeah. A crazy fruit plate. A bunch of delicious sparkling waters. Mario Kart on the Switch. I had Mario Kart on the Switch. Oh, yeah. Seriously.

Yeah, that would have been true. I didn't pick it. Charcuterie board. Tennis balls? Yeah. For you to, like, bop against the wall? No, for later. I'm going to play tennis every weekend.

I had a remote control car. I thought it'd just be fun to whip one around. Oh, yeah. You would be... Massage table? Just the server comes in there and there's just rc cars just like like richie rich yeah uh yeah massage table for sure oh arizona ice teas uh-huh the prices on the cans prices on the cans yeah uh you too everybody covered it except for me the

right way i didn't uh i was going a little crazy. Sandwich pile. Sandwich pile. What was that? The festival in Seattle where they had the adopted dogs. Yeah. Bumper shoot. Where they had the dogs. If they had a dog that you could chill with just for that night.

I'd just be, yeah, just a couple dogs or whatever chilling in the green room. But then you run into, if someone's allergic, that could be a harsh. Also some DMX style dogs just in case shit goes down that's what I was gonna say when we were sitting before we were recording Dave was like I got some crazy stuff

and I was like he's just gonna be like I want rabid dogs I want scare tactic dogs you know what's a good thing that I had at the Rev Hall is like

you just have that like cold cuts and cheese and rolls so people can make their own sandwiches that's where I'm at before a show

because I'm like I don't eat shit a couple hours before a show so i will i'll peck i'm just yeah it's like picking at something another great thing you had a donut that looked like you yes you did you and drake look like fat drake let's see what let's see what uh see what happens brings us this year dude that lawyer oh cole yeah shout out to Cole shout out tight so the fucking great picks we of course want to hear yours

hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com shout out to everyone on the patreon thank you for

rocking with us we will have a new watch along up pretty soon here maybe next week after you get back from Bama knocking out when I

get back from my mysterious Alabama trip but send this to us shout out to everyone on the AFU subreddit shout out to everyone on the Slack channel shout out to super producer Marissa on the ones and twos

we love you we hope we're back in the studio soon to see you shout out Scott and Jesse in Denver sure Scott and Jesse in Denver listeners say let me stay with them they're awesome shout out to everyone In Madison Who came out and rocked

With me and Emma Shout out to Frankie Ocean Shout out to Sid the Dude Yep Haji Beats Shout out to Bjorn Borg Haji Beats Tennis Highlights

Who's that girl That won the other day Oh Ulia Gorgas There we go Shout out to Ulia Gorgas Yeah Shout out to her Him

Her Him Her Ulia Yeah That's not helping me out Yeah. Shout out to her, him, her. Julio Gorgas. Julio? Yeah. That's not helping me out. Her?

Her. Shout out to her, dude. Shout out to them, bro. Them. Shout out to everyone who's fucking rocking the AFE merch. That's so dope. We can't wait to see it in person. Hell yeah.

And more important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity! tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything That was a HeadGum Podcast.