All Fantasy Everything - Roadtrips (w/ Miel Bredouw, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

Road Trippin', Wood Grain Grippin', if AFE is Michael then Miel is our Pippen. The GVG welcomes Miel Bredouw back on the pod to draft ROADTRIPS! Order Sean Jordan's new album, The Buck Starts Here today! https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-buck-starts-here/1458542287Be sure to check out Miel's podcast Punch Up The Jam on the HeadGum network. You can listen to Ian and Sean's episode here: headgum.com/punch-up-the-jam/016-escape-the-pina-colada-song-with-ian-karmel-and-sean-jordan.Episode Guests:Miel Bredouw @miel IG: @mielmonsterSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is copping a toad right now. That was hilarious. I let out a heavy sigh and rolled my eyes, and only Sean could see it right before we started recording. I felt it. You felt it though, right? You felt that energy roll through the room? I chuckled. Yacht City, bro.

Yacht City. Yacht City, bro. Fucking A City. Yacht City, bro. Fucking A, dude. Yeah, here we are in the fucking HeadGum Studios. Yeah. It's been so long. We're back in here. Back in here.

Now we're going to pop the cork, let it breathe. Well, yeah, exactly. Am I the cork? No, you're popping the wine. You're the wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. You're the wine.

We're cork popping together. Yes. Okay, now I'm on board. The cork is a real cork. What did you think was... I don't know. It sounded scary. Don't you drink wine?

No. No, you only drink tea in the afternoon like a psycho. Do you not drink? No. Gosh, I felt we went to meals. I've known that the entire time we've been friends. I haven't had a sip of booze since August. Yeah.

Oh, not the entire time we've been friends. You made it sound like you were going to say a year after that. No, no, no. Let me rephrase. I don't really drink recreationally ever, but officially no booze at all since August. How do you say recreationally in there? Is it all recreationally? Professionally.

Yeah, only professionally. She would drink professionally. Pay me and I'll take a shot. When we went over, we went to meals for a dinner party, Zach and I, and I just got shit-faced. You were so sweet, though. I can hold it. There was a point in the night where I was like, I'm hammered. Because I was just drinking all their

beer. Was nobody else? Oh, does your boyfriend not drink either? No, all the people. I'm mostly friends with stoners, to be honest. They were all smoking weed, and I was like, well, I got my weed. It's not like we're sitting there being like, oh, man, this guy Sean is fucking. And also, Sean's like, oh, so drunk. And like by letting loose, he's like, hey, Mel, so I put my cigarette out in that beer bottle. I'm going to leave it on the porch.

You're going to want to throw it away tomorrow. I will stink up the whole car yard. And I'm like, Sean. That's so sweet. That's what I'm saying. He's like, I was so drunk. And I was like, what? No, you were perfect.

Stop. Drunk mind speaks a sober heart. Isn't that what you're saying? Oh, dude, that's one of my favorite quotes. Drunk body speaks a sober mind. Because they do. And I even have a bit about it. I don't agree with that.

They fucking do. If someone's an asshole when they're drunk, they're a fucking asshole in general. I've been an asshole when I'm drunk. No, you have not. You've had isolated incidents. Okay. There's people. Incidents with an S, then it starts to add up.

I know, but by and large, you're not like an asshole when you're drunk. I would not describe you as a mean drunk. Right. I guess don't dive too deep into what that means. Miel is a mean drunk. I'm a fucking loud drunk. You're a loud sober, so I'm the same way, actually. You're drinking tea at 2 p.m.

That's one of the loudest things you can do. I'm drinking that loud. I don't know why I keep going back to it. It's just freaking me out. I'm just waiting for you to pull that bag out from somewhere. Did you't know why I keep going back to it. Bring it that loud. It's just freaking me out. I'm just waiting for you to pull that bag out Did you just brew it? Yeah, look at it.

It's right here. Are you upset? Can I wear your beret for a second? Yeah. Yo, I look good in a beret. I wish I had my mustache still. Oh, man.

No, I'm sad you shaved it. That was such a good look. Ian, you should get a beret. Oh, boy. Look at him. He just leveled up. Oh, yeah. You're different now. I think it was a prop that I stole from a shoot. Ah bonjour!

That's what you gotta do. Steal one from lately. I will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you speak a little French? A little French, man. Can you speak a little French? Un petit peu.

No, I thought he did. Un petit peu. Un petit peu. Un petit peu. Bonjour Sean. Bonjour Sean. Je m'appelle Ian. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Comment allez-vous? Ce soir? Ce soir. Ré, ré, j'accord? Yeah, oui. Uh-oh. You're going to have a threesome with your brother? To our French listeners, we apologize. Voulez-vous coucher avec François? Oh, shit.

Who's he? François. He brought me this beret. Do you think we have any French listeners? Yes? Do you think we have any French listeners? Yes. Yeah, dude. Okay. French Montana.

I'm putty-put. French Montana listens. French Montana's a big fan. I know he listens. Oh, dude, shout out to all the wrap snacks that we got. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Who was it that sent us that shit?

I wish that I had it on me now. I'm sorry. We'll shut you out on the next one. We'll shut you out. But somebody, because I had a bad time in Atlanta, and it wasn't Atlanta's fault. I love Atlanta. But they sent so many wrap snacks, like the most you can buy. Like a kid could suffocate in it.

A kid could die in that box of wrap snacks. It's a lot. A lot of wrap snacks. David is digging around. He's like, oh, there's something else at the bottom. It's all wrap snacks. It's all the way to the bottom. that box of wrap snacks. It's a lot. It's a lot of wrap snacks. David is digging around. He's like, oh, there's something else at the bottom. It's all wrap snacks. It's all the way to the bottom. It's all wrap snacks.

It was the fatty wop one and then the fabulous wavy deli cheddars. The fabulous wavy deli cheddars. The wavy deli cheddars. New York deli cheddar. Wavy. Wavy New York deli cheddar. F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S. W-A-V-Y.

Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Presently on a love seat. How are you, Bubby? I'm good, man. Didn't you remember when I called you Bubby last time? I was fucking awesome. Sean called me Bubby.

I just came right out. Never said it in my life before. You know, the standard slang will rub off, but like the yiddish stuff, it's harder to get the goyim to say it. So whatever happens. You're not even wearing a beret and you went for it. I know, right? That's always been a true statement. You should wear a beret.

That I'm not even wearing a beret. You never want a beret? I don't think I've ever had one on. You're not going to let him wear it? That's too fucking bad. Honestly, I was afraid I couldn't throw that far. Is it on right? No, it is. You look like my homeschool teacher.

I bet that's true. Close your eyes and say, and then put it on. You look like my homeschool teacher. Jontier. I bet that's true. Close your eyes. Close your eyes and say, ha ha, and then put it on. Everybody says you're not supposed to have sex with your students. They're in college. I think it's fine. Sean, you look, honestly, like I respect you more. I don't know what happened.

Marissa. Marissa agrees. Oh, no. I know I look like a complete tool. You looked fine before. It just did something extra. Please take a picture. I'll take a picture.

Oh my God. Yes, you guys. Beret. I think it needs to happen. I think you need to have all fantasy everything berets. Wow. Oh, there it is. It's like not threatening, but still makes me horny.

You don't look insane. David will post that picture. It's a horny look. You look like one of the baguette boys. You guys grow mustaches for the summer and get berets. I can't do that. You don't have to push hard with me. You don't want me to have a mustache.

I've had one and I look gnarly. You smoke cigarettes, right? I try to not. With a beret? Oh, my God. That's true. Now it's cool. Now you don't have a problem.

People like it when you smoke cigarettes and have a beret. Yes. That's a fact. And you skateboard? Oh, my God, Sean. You would be the first dude to skateboard have a beret. Yes. That's a fact. And you skateboard? Oh, my God, Sean. You would be the first dude to skateboard in a beret. Can you imagine? I would not.

Nobody's ever busted a tray flip in a beret. You're wrong. There's so many French skateboarders. But they don't wear berets. I don't think French people are wearing berets. It's like, how many Mexican skateboarders are wearing sombreros? I bet someone's done it. I bet someone's done it.

Not nearly enough. Sean, this is going to come out at the tail end of Abrio, which is Spanish for April. Sure, Abrio. So what are you going to direct people? I imagine I'll have an album coming out on April 26th. Damn, son, my album's dropping April 26th.

After that dude tweeted at us with the Ken Kniff voice, I might be done doing it. Did you not know what it sounded like? I almost threw up at work. Yeah, it sounds gross. It's I might be done doing it. Yeah, it's creepy. Did you not know what it sounded like? I almost threw up at work. Yeah, it sounds gross. It's different when you're doing it. Did you have headphones when you listened to it?

It was in my ears and I was like, oh my God. Sounds like oatmeal with expired milk taste. Between that and Partridge sending us that video of him deadlifting,

but like, just like pulling. Right on his dick. Yo. He flipped the whole sack up. He flipped the whole sack, but like he was putting to the groceries.

But also he was putting up big numbers on the deadlift, so you couldn't hate. No, he was handling it. Are you telling me someone sent you a video of them deadlifting, but they dragged the barbell so close to their body, it picked up their whole junk? Their whole junk. That happens a lot, though, in general. Don't make that face. I work out, and I've never seen that. You don't have a penis.

Yeah, but I work out in groups. I started answering before you finished saying what you were saying. Are you looking at their wieners while they're- All the time, David. I had no idea. Are you kidding me, dude? You gotta stop wieners at this show. First of all, is this you or the beret talking?

This is me. I think the beret is talking. The beret is an extension of the truth. This is you. This is the real you. This is the real me. When I'm wearing a beret, that's the real me. When I'm bereted up, that's the real me.

I mean, it's in my last name. This is me, dog. Oh a beret, that's the real me. When I'm bereted up, that's the real me. I mean, it's in my last name. This is me, dog. Oh, beret-o. How did it take us so long? God, we're off our game. I'm just saying a dick in an athletic short is a hilarious spectacle. Of course I'm staring at it. Flopping around.

It's amazing. It's like a baby horse. Doesn't know how to walk yet. Just like stumbling around. Sometimes you can just see the outline to the bell end and you're like, what are you doing? We're in public out here. But you know, you got to. I get it.

It's like I have hard camel toe at times in the gym. We just let it go. It's fine. It's par for the course. I got that on my butt though. I do butt camel toe. Oh, butt camel toe. I call it wham blam-el-toe.

Wham blam-el-toe. I intentionally will rock the wham blam-el-toe. Wham blamlam-alto? For whom? For me, so I can catch my ass on a mirror and be like, look at you. Damn. I just feel like my butt's eating it. Cake's like a bakery.

Serge Gainsborough over here. When I'm wearing the beret, anyway. Sitting on a hostess truck. Oh, man. I got more cake than Marie Antoinette's wedding, then. Founcing around back there. Before they killed her, she said, let them eat Ian. Marie Antoinette's wedding then. Founcing around back there. Before they killed her, she said, let them eat Ian. Let them eat Ian's big butt.

I need to get my butt. I might have been the hardest Marissa laugh I've ever heard in here. No, you didn't hear when she saw you in the parade. See? Attack, attack. Kick him while he's down. Sean, I'm sorry. You set me up.

I'm sorry. Are you down? No, no. No, I'm going to check this out. Christine mood? I'm in a pretty good mood. Your album's about to come out. How could you not?

It's huge. Damn, son. Where'd you find this? That's the album. It's on there. Yeah, yeah. What's your album name again? The Buck Starts Here.

The Buck Starts Here. That's hilarious. Damn, son. The Buck Starts Here. It's got an arrow pointing to me. That's a perfect name. Because the buck starts right here, bro. I'm so excited to hear about how your mom loves buck cherry.

That ain't on there. Dang. You don't want to call your album established in what year were you born? 17. 17. 32. I can't take it. Oh, damn.

Someone already stole, you know. Are you guys both 81? 84? 81. I don't know how old anybody is. I'm 84. 37. I'm 87.

84 on a pretty horse. The G As silent on Twitter. Cool guy jokes, 87 on the Instagram. More fire. I run pump with the rude boy. Hell yeah. You want to test me? You want to test the rascals, Jamaican?

The G is silent. The G is silent. Muscat, Jamaican! Oh, no, Moshe, Moshe, I know Moshe, I know Vimitra, I know Moshe, I know Vimitra, and the G is silent. The G is silent. Hey! The G is silent. Hey! The G is silent.

Hey! There's no G there for you. Hey! The G is silent. Hey! The G is silent. Hey! The G is silent. There's no G there for you.

Bang! Man. I came. That was amazing. I'm pregnant. Now that was're there for you. Bang! Man. I came. That was amazing. I'm pregnant. Now that was the beret talk. You know, I'm out here making some moves. I think you're going to see me on NBC at some point.

At some point. I don't know if I'm supposed to say it. Please don't know if you get cut out. You know what I mean? Oh, God. Shane is on Criminal Minds. Shane was supposed to be on Last Comic. I read the email that said

he was going to be on. I think we've told this, but we had a party at Helium and they did the top 100 jokes and it got down to, like, top 20 and she could see Shane under the TV with his arms crossed and we're like, shit, bro. It gets down to, like, number two. You are really airing out a lot of Shane's laundry

on this podcast. And then you do that humble thing. You're like, oh, I'm sorry I told everybody this embarrassing thing about Shane. We've talked about that. We have huge nuts. We've talked about that. You're actually starting to feel bad. I don't know why you actually feel bad.

No, no, no. Now you have to say something nice to make up for it. Shane rules. No, not specific enough. The other thing was way more specific. I'll have a vivid memory. Shane's one of the only people that I remember when I met him. Like the first thing that we did.

We went to Holman's and we played the Black Crows. She Talks to Angels. We were at Holman's and then he came crawling out of the sewer. No, we're meeting again. Oh, damn it. We're meeting again. We met and we went to Holman's, played She Talks to Angels, and talked about my dad.

Because his dad was still alive at that point. But yeah, I mean, that's just what we did. And we played pool and it was amazing. And I don't, I guess I remember when I met you, but it's very rarely you remember like the exact time when you met somebody. So he's an icon in your life. Yeah. He's one of the best people.

Oh, Shane Torres is an icon in all of our lives. He's one of the best people I've ever met in my whole life. We did it. I fucking love that guy. I would do absolutely anything for Shane. I mean, speaking of what we're going to draft today, there's nobody, you know, he's a great guy to be stuck in a car with. Yeah, dude. He's guy. I would do absolutely anything for Shane. Speaking of what we're going to draft today, he's a great guy to be stuck in a car with. Yeah, dude. I can't imagine.

That man is a gifted and charming conversationalist. The one time I met him, he said, you're mean. And I was like, you're mean. You sound exactly like him. He liked it, though. Yeah, he does. He does like it. That's the great thing.

You can bat him around a little bit. He got mad at me a couple weeks ago and I almost cried. He texted me and I was like, shit. I cry all the time. What are we doing? I'm almost crying right now because I'm being so serious. We're weepers. Throw the Lion King on. I dare you. See what happens.

Waterworks, baby. No, I'll be crying too. When the opening song for the Lion King comes on, I'm just on a plane. That's a really great song. Yeah. But it's such a good. No, not that part.

Yeah. What about that part? Not that part. What about that? It says, it's a wheel of fortune. That's the part. From the day we arrived. Okay, so you can't talk about a thing on NBC.

Got it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, officialdavidbori.com. You know, come see me. Come to Faded every Friday. I'm out in the streets. I'm making moves. Don't worry about what I'm doing.

You know what I mean? It's water wet and there's more to get. Don't worry about it. I am worried. I'm worried about it because I like you and I want to see what you do. Nope. Nope. Okay.

Nope. I'll refuse to care. You'll find out when it's time to find out. Okay. Damn. Now I'm excited. Damn, son. Damn, son. Damn, son.

David's cold-blooded. Is he going to come to my house? I don't know what this means. We are neighbors. It's true. Sometimes I get David rides here. Yeah. Ooh.

We both live in Highland Park. Oh, yeah. And every time I'm like, I know he's judging what I'm listening to. I am not. What are you listening to? No, what are you listening to? I try to put on cool stuff so David likes it. It's the wheel of fortune.

The lion king. Ahead of the bread mine. One's the wheel of all I know. One jump ahead of the friend of mine. One jump and that's no joke. Yeah. It's only Disney songs. Yeah. I'm like he's gonna

think I'm pretty cool for this. I do think that. One at the one at the one at the That song sounds like you ain't never

had a friend like me. If your brain could think during a boner that's what that song sounds like. You ain't never had a friend like me. If your brain could think during a boner, that's what that song sounds like. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

What up, ma? Bratty. What up, ma? What up, ma? Here we go. Oh, God. You're right. Try some of column A, a little bit of column B.

That's so. That is what your partner said. You ain't never had a friend like me. Can your friend do this? Can your friend pull this? Can your friend say woo? I don't know if it's just like a genitals difference thing, but I'm like, to me, when I think of what it feels like to get horny,

it's like... Sail away, Vienya? Colors of the Wind? Bonjour. My dear, here comes the banker with his dream like always. Oh, that's awesome. I'm like, here we go, preparation time. I get horny like that sometimes. I wish you guys could see me on this robot dance.

There must be more than this for a venture life. It's exactly what it feels like for me. So I like this Zatarance commercial boner. That's what it is. It's a Zatarance commercial for sure. Dirty rats. There goes my pussy. I am kind of horny.

Mine is like second line music. Somebody just died. My dick is old men holding scarves just saying, Who in the saints? Who in the saints? Who in the saints? I can't believe it. I'm going to say this, but I love your dick. I love it.

It's an extension of my personality. It's attached to a pretty solid dick. Real Americana, your dick. Just like the real shit. I'm sweating. Is there anywhere you want to direct people? You might be on NBC. He said, don't worry about me.

Don't worry about you. No, it's all you guys are up on everything. Just stay tuned to the socials. Small burp. I just burped in what I laughed. I'm sorry, it was just a little one. I just hate reaction. I couldn't. I didn't think

it wasn't even. I didn't think I was holding anything in. Surely by now, if you're a frequent listener of the All Fantasy Everything podcast, you've come to the realization that we're also joined by Brayden. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Me. Brayden. Me. Thank you so much for having me back again. Of course. It's been way too long. It's been so long. But you were overseas overseeing some ventures.

Overseeing some ventures. At me on Twitter. Yeah. At me on Instagram. Oh, yeah. You had to go check on your ramen futures. Yeah's been so long. But you were overseas overseeing some ventures. Overseeing some ventures. At me on Twitter. Yeah. Oh yeah, you had to go check on your ramen futures. Yeah, your ramen futures.

You got a couple girl ops over there. Sure did. So many. You were in, you were in, I believe, you were in,

I don't know, I can't think of anything. The Land of the Rising Sun. I was in Tok. Yo. How long were you there? I was there a long time. Do you want to run that back? I'm going to actually leave. Okay, that's fair. I feel better about how I was there a long time You wanna run that back?

I'm gonna actually leave Okay that's fair I feel better about how I didn't have anything You know what That's what it was I was sympathetic Thank you

Did she try? No no no I was trying to create A false bottom for him Yeah yeah yeah False bottom That's what it says When you really don't like the guy

False bottom Yeah Yeah I was in Japan What's up with Japan? How was it? Was it your first trip? I've never even been to Asia Whoa Yeah. Yeah, I was in Japan. What's up with Japan? How was it? Was it your first trip? I've never even been to Asia.

Whoa. It's so sick. Yeah. Is it sick? You know what? I'm not a big fan of big cities, so Tokyo is a little overwhelming to me. It's like a super city, right? Oh, my God.

It makes New York look like Oklahoma. Really? That's crazy. That's a bold statement. Wow. Have you ever been to Oklahoma? No. But I have seen Grapes of Wrath. So, kind of.

No. I've been to Oklahoma. I've been there. I lived there. Okay, but you know what I'm saying? I've been to Oklahoma. Population density wise, it kind of feels like the same jump. Because it's all stacked on stacked on stacked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like, what's insane is that it seems to be so much more efficient considering there's so many more people. Anyway, you can all stacked on stacked on stacked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's insane is that it seems to be so much more efficient considering there's so many more people. Anyway, you can all look this up on Wikipedia. Well, they spend money on infrastructure. Yeah, I guess so. Isn't their subway system incredible? Amazing! The best I've ever seen in my life. Color-coded. People wait to let you get off

before they get on. Wow, that's beautiful. Can you imagine when an old person... Does it smell like pee down there? No, it's immaculate. And when an old person gets on the subway, too many people get up to give them their seat. Wow. I want to live in that world. If you're at all sick,

you wear a full face mask everywhere you go. No one gets each other sick. What were the toilets like? Oh my God, my asshole has never been so clean in my life. That's what I heard. Even the public restrooms. And even some of them, you hit a music note button and it plays sounds while you shit in a public restroom.

That's awesome. I was just talking to Ian about this at my work. They don't play music in the bathroom and I hate it. Yeah, it's like, I don't want to hear the applause. There should be a button and then you hear Informer. Yeah, dude. Wow. The only thing is I wish it was real music and not like, I don't know, like bubbling

brook or whatever the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's not music. It's ambient sound? Yeah, it's like white noise. But I kept wanting it. That's pretty sick. Because all the company is Toto,

and I just kept thinking I'd push the button, and it'd be like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I was like, come on. Now I'm just riding it. Yeah, but that was good. It was fun. You guys should go if you can.

We're not allowed in Japan because of, well, Yakuza-related issues. You know what? That's what I was, like, being a stoner, I was like, Tite, where do I get weed? And it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, really? Not here. Someone's weed.

You can't even find weed. You will go to jail. It's only the Yakuza, I guess, that does weed there. Really? They like tattoos. Does weed? Nobody else has tattoos? No, a lot of the onsen you're not allowed in if you have tattoos. That's why so many Japanese people come to Portland. You think? Because of all the free weed and tattoos. Does weed? Nobody else has tattoos? No, a lot of the onsen you're not allowed in if you have tattoos.

That's why so many Japanese people come to Portland. Because of all the free weed and tattoos. It was certainly crazy. But no, coming back, I was like, everyone here sucks, but we have good weed. So I guess, you know, tomato, tomato. We do have great weed. We have awesome weed here. It's one of the better things we're good at. It's really good weed up in here.

We're really bankrupt and horrible and, you know. But it's easier to take on account we're good at. It's really good weed up in here. We're really bankrupt and horrible and, you know. But it's easier to take on account of the good weed. Maybe we should outlaw it again for a while. Get this country up and running. Whoa, okay. Easy. But then we're going to get me down and walking.

I can't. David Borey runs on, dunking that shit in the Chibos. Dang. Fucker. What was the best thing you ate while you were there? How was it as a vegan? Oh, surprisingly not bad at all. Yeah.

I mean, you have to watch out for fish stock mostly. Oh, yeah. But otherwise, it's a lot of rice and the fucking vegetables. Everywhere I went, the country, the city, everywhere, it was the best vegetables I've ever had in my life. Awesome. Even driving in the train, passing houses, every house has a backyard and they just grow food.

And I'm like, oh, we should do do that here right like why doesn't anyone have gardens here just put just grown some zucchini yeah I'm loves the garden yeah your mom rules yes pretty mom does mom your dick rule from the same place how was the rice I had was the best rice in Japan ever had. I want to have rice in Japan real bad. It's fucked up. One of the, I can't say the word. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not here. Whoa.

Not here. She just mouthed it and guys. Wow. It's like their bed and breakfast. They're called Ukrainian. Okay, I'm going to throw a glass at you. And if it hits you, it's your fault. Should have been there bro.

Another hate crime just happened. I think it's a Roykin. I don't know. I never Google that. Oh his name is Ryu. I'm going to scream into your open mouth

so you taste my breath. I feel like you have great breath. I do. Thank you for seeing me. I don't know man. She seems like she has great breath.

Really? I'm wearing a beret and you dare step to me? You're a vegan and you grew up on an I don't know, man. She seems like she has great breath. Really? I'm wearing a beret. Do you dare step to me? Yeah, but you're vegan and you're like, you grew up on like an island. I feel like, you know. That might be stinky butthole stuff. I have armpit hair, but I smell good. All right, we'll see.

She took out her armpit hair. I have armpit hair and I smell good. Yeah, so proving my point. Thank you. I don't know. Anyways. I didn't grow up on an island. I don't have armpit hair.

I grew up in the metropolis. You have armpit hair? Wait, I shave it. What? You shave your armpits? No, I don't. It's a summer. I have to shave all my body. I'm like a the metropolis. You have armpit hair? Wait, I shave it. You shave your armpits? No, I don't. It's a summer. I shave all my body.

I'm like a sea otter. Hairless sea otter. I got too much body hair. That's my situation. I do too. I shaved it one time from like, shaved my head completely bald and then all the way down to like my knees.

You gotta be like sculpted to not have body hair and not look weird. It looks insane. That's what I'm saying. And I kept my eyebrows and eyelashes, but everything else all the way down to my knees, it was gnarly. I just shaved everything. You gotta be like sculpted to not have body hair and not look weird. It looks insane. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And I kept my eyebrows and eyelashes, but everything else all the way down to my knees,

it was gnarly. I need like shading. Yeah. That's exactly actually what I did in Japan because all the beauty standards are to shave your whole face and I fell for it

and I shaved my whole face and now it's growing back in and it feels so bad. I really wish I hadn't shaved my whole face in Japan. Why would you do it? I just, I don't know. They were selling it in every drugstore and I was like maybe. Like just shave peach fuzz hadn't shaved my whole face. Why'd you do it? I don't know.

They were selling it in every drugstore. What do you mean? Like just shave peach fuzz or whatever? My whole face I shaved except for eyebrows and eyelashes. Why? What? I didn't even. Because to put makeup on easier.

Oh. Feel my face. Yes. Feel my face. I have a full stubble on my face. It's a little bit of stubble. Yeah. What if you grow a beard? That'd be awesome.

I know. If it was full, I'd be psyched. But what if it's a patchy beard? You'd be a handsome dude. Thank you. I know. If I could, I would. Now I'm seeing you as a dude.

We could go beanie shopping together. I'd be fucking hot. I like a patchy beard. Really? I have a full beard. Keanu Reeves has a patchy beard. I think it looks awesome. Yeah, but he also has Keanu Reeves as the rest of his face.

Ethan Hawke has a patchy beard. Do we also just have a patchy beard? He's the handsomest man on earth. Yeah, but you like a patchy.. I think it looks awesome. Yeah, but he also has Keanu Reeves as the rest of his face. Ethan Hawke has a patchy beard. He's one of the handsomest men on earth. Yeah, but you like a patchy beard. That's dumb. I don't think it's dumb, but I would love to have one second just point out that you have like a lexicon of celebrities with

patchy beards memorized. You just pulled two. That's crazy, man. Why do you know Keanu Reeves has a patchy beard? Because I like it. I think it looks great. Because I like it. I love your show.

I'm serious. I think it looks really good. Hell yeah. And I understand there are two of the most handsome people there are, but just that's what I think when I think of a patchy beard.

You're like a handsome guy with a patchy beard. Yeah, no, I prefer unfinished basements as well. You love the house that we lived in back in- You can't shame it because so many people have them,

including me. Thank you. Yeah. But maybe someday. Technically a patchy beard on account of the weird alopecia that's migrating around my face. I have a patchy beard because this dude pushed my line way up too far. Oh, you were so bummed. I was really upset.

It's still not. I still haven't grown in thick enough to overcome the damage he did. You've got to be like, have you like a chubby dude's face before? No. Yeah, no, clearly not. The lines are different. Yeah, yeah. Sean?

Well, no. You got that George Lucas line. Hit George Lucas like right at the bottom of his chin. You're like, you're a fucking gazillionaire. It looks like his fucking neck pouch is falling out of his face now. It's such a bad scene. Like a rain damage ceiling. Oh, George.

Like a rain-damaged ceiling. That's exactly what it's just about to get. Like you hit it with a broom and then pshh. Miel, where can people, I mean, punch off the jam, obviously. I consider our, but you know.

We're sister cities, right? I think so but you know we're sister cities right we're sister cities I think so too I think so too after you've listened to every single we're Colorado and Hawaii yeah

what were you about to say I was gonna say after you've listened to every single oh yes all fantasy everything twice definitely

once original and then once in the I'm paying to have them all recorded in Mandarin yeah yeah well you gotta you know you know I had a really cool thing I was super excited to announce that I've been working

on for like a year. And then it just got like the plug pulled on it. Oh! That's that. I will say. Can you say what it was? I'll give you a sound and you can maybe like get a clue. Okay.

Boom. Oh, damn! With them and not anymore. Oh, what a boomer! So I was excited, but it's gone now. I have no idea what just happened. I know neither. It's fine.

If you know, you know, you know. If you know, you know. If I know, you know. Is it two letters? Three. Three letters. But it's not happening anymore. Oh.

So no, punch up the jam. That's my hope. Well, fuck them. Punch up the jam. For the love of God, support us on Patreon. Oh my God. But not until you've supported us

on Patreon. Give us $20 a month and then send them whatever. Punch Up the Jam is so good. It's the best. It really is so good. It's fucking amazing. It's astonishing to me. It's the only not sports podcast that I listen to. It's the only one that I listen to that's not about skateboarding.

Yeah, it's honestly really fun to record and I love it. So thanks. Almost as much as I love being here. Almost? That was the beret talking. What are you working on? My name's Ian.

I'm Ian Carmel. I'm Ian. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Better Than You. Stop. I had to do an impression of you on Sharpie's podcast the other day.

Oh, you did? It was tricky. What did you say? Yeah, what the fuck is your impression of me? I'm Ian Carmel. But that's Shane. I sound like Ivan more when I do that. Yeah, that does sound like me.

That was your Shane impression. No, Shane is like, oh, great, I am Shane. There's no, y'all ever notice how everything bagels are the same price as every other bagel? They should be

more expensive. How come you aren't mad about this? That's like Shane. Gotta giggle over to that. Nobody can do an impression of me because I'm too unique and singular and individual. I would agree with that. You're very hard to impersonate. That's how I feel about me and you.

Yo! That's all I can do. You can't do it either. The gorilla's intro, that's it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Sounds exactly the same to me. All I can do is yo, and then I'm like,

that'll be the way into the impression. No, it just falls apart. No one's ever, I asked a domian to do it once, and he's great at it. If a domian can't do it, it can't be done. Too much of a wild card.

When people do impressions of me, they just say, what up, playboy, you're Buck. And I'm like, that's not me. Oh, I did an impression of you. Is that not you talking? We had Neil do Explained Serpentine on one episode. I know, it was great. It's one of our all fantasy everything treasured moments. Trademark.

Ian, what do you got coming up? Shit, bro. I'm fucking studying Krav Maga. Whoa. Bro, Knives of People. Wow, still on the knife shit. Yeah, knife shit.

Back on the knife shit. I'm so sorry. Scuba diving on top of a mountain and shit. Just crazy stuff. My lifestyle's, my life's a movie, bro, so like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think when this comes out and nothing really. I will have been at Florida State. Hopefully you came out and it wasn't weird. We'll see. It's weird to talk about stuff that is in the future.

And then I don't really have anything else on the fucking calendar. I'm going to be all over London and Paris in May and June. And I'm sure I'll be dipping in and trying to do sets and stuff while I'm there. I'll be in New York at the beginning of June. And why? So keep an eye out. I'm probably going to do some shows, but it'll be on Twitter. It's going to be on Butterboy.

It'll be on Butterboy. I probably will be on Butterboy. I'm going to be in New York for the Tonys, so I'm going to be trying to do some siets while I'm there. Some siets. You know, they've often said, I've heard many people say this, that New York is to Oklahoma, but Tokyo is to New York. Robert De N said, I've heard many people say this, that New York is to Oklahoma, but Tokyo is to New York. Robert De Niro. I've heard.

What did you throw at me? Oh, it's a keychain. David Thoreau's katana. Oh, do you want to keep that? We have a bunch. Do you want to throw it? Oh. Okay, throw it back.

Shout out to Last Wish Supply, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Last Wish, they made a bunch of fucking Jeans on Fuck with those guys man They make cool ass shirts Let me look up what their tag is on With my jeans on

And my team strong Easy Dre They put a peace sign and there's jeans on the peace fingers That's what I call funny Yeah And you have your finger on the pulse of comedy If there's one thing I'd say I know It's what I call funny yeah that's what I call funny and you you have your finger on the pulse of comedy so

if there's one thing I'd say I know it's what's not funny and this is funny that is funny it's www.lastwishessupply.com or they're just last wish supply

they're fucking rad they make rad stuff man they make cool shirts they make fucking obviously cool keychains they listen to all fantasy everything so they gotta be dope

and uh they fucking they fucking, they fucking, they got their jeans on and their team's strong. Well, their jeans are on, their team is strong.

That's what I'm, that's why I got my jeans on because I got a strong team in here right now. And there you go. And I said, there you go. Now,

we're not gathered here in beautiful HeadGum Studios just to fucking, just to Sparrows Hop from Skid Row. Keep charity in your hearts at all times, even though the weather's warmer.

You know what I mean? Give a percentage of your income if you can. Knock that jock out of his shoulders. Give it to somebody who needs it. Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here in HeadGum Studios, basking in the reflected glory of super producer Marissa on the ones and twos. Finally back in the studio, not just sending files. I feel like we play better.

You know what I mean like we can be we can be the bulls as much as we want the je ne sais quoi on the equation of every podcast every podcast

you gotta have Phil Jackson you know what I mean that's true we need the Buddhism absolutely Marissa who we last weekend Marissa was celebrating

an anniversary we just wanted to send a present but we were also drunk in a SUV speeding towards the Korean barbecue place but we were also drunk in a SUV speeding towards the Korean barbecue place. Boy, we were. Damn, that sounds fun.

It was bumping biggie. Not even, we actually weren't even drunk. We just had like a couple drinks, so you're right in that like. Sometimes you're drunk on camaraderie. We were drunk on camaraderie, and it was like, it's fucking Marissa's anniversary.

So we just postmated the biggest bottle. You were like, what do you want? She was like, vodka. And I was like, oh, perfect. So we just sent as much vodka as we could. You're probably good on vodka until the next election. It's so

much that she looks nervous right now. Is it illegal to have that much? She's not from here. No. No, no, no, no, no. Not that Canada has any stranger to drinking. You guys are very sweet. We're the best. You guys are very sweet. Molson.

Yeah, we're the best. You are the best. We're the best. Farther to get. I don't know. Like, you, like, I mean, Juicy was playing. We were in one of the big Ubers. Dude, that song can fuck around and make me do some reckless stuff. We did some crazy shit.

Like, good, nice things for friends. Yeah. If I'm listening to Juicy. That's the best kind of reckless stuff. We were drinking Froze's, which is frozen Rose. Sean, you think, have you seen me? You think I don't know what Frozay is? I apologize.

Not Santagas. She's wearing a beret right now. I'm so condescended. Can we get Frozays after this? Is that the first time Frozays, not that you were mansplaining. Right. Just for the comedic effect of it. Right, right, right. You know I love you. No, but I love that you guys were drinking them. Oh. Just for the comedic effect of it. Right, right, right, right. You know I love you.

No, but I love that you guys were drinking them. Oh, yeah. If I were to drink, a frosé would be up there. We were having a trophy wife. We were popping frosés. Oh, that's right. That's the name of that place. Yeah, dropping shoes off with one of my writers.

Yep. For his birthday. It was a ridiculous weekend. We're gathered here to draft road trips. Yes. Wide open. Something. Wide open.

We're drafting road trips. Road trip stuff. The way we drafted fucking Kanye. The way we drafted. The mall. The mall, dude. The mall. The mall.

The mall. Can we get married at the mall? Yeah. We're drafting road trips. One of my favorite things to do in the world. Oh, wow. Absolutely. I love a road trip.

Oh, this is going to be a bloodbath then. It's going to be an absolute bloodbath. Oh, I'm excited now. I love a road trip. I think a road trip can solve problems. No one is walking out of here unharmed. Everyone will lose something. James.

James. What? James, I've taken the liberty of positioning Navy SEALs at every entrance in this casino. If one of them does break through the line, I will employ my Krav Maga to disarm them and escape you to safety. Everybody, that was Jason Statham.

It was Jason Statham. He actually did pop in for a second. Oh, come on. He loves it. He pops in. He hangs out on Skid Row sometimes just to, like, be there. Stay sharp. We went to shoot in Las Vegas, me and Corden,

and we ran into fucking, how am I blowing his name right now? Who is it? Jason Statham. Jason Statham. Jason Statham. Oh, my God. In like the Hard Rock Casino of all the goddamn places on Earth. And Jason Statham's a little guy, but he's a big guy. You know what I mean?

Oh, emotionally big. He's short, but he's got like huge shoulders. Like he's sculpted. He's got like a fat chest, too. Yeah, he's got a big fat chest. He's got big peck energy, too. He's got big peck energy, for sure. But he talks like Jason Statham talks, because of course.

He's Jason Statham. He's like, nice to meet you, mate. How are you? In my head, he always talks like Turkish from Snatch. A little bit. James is like, hi, this is Ian. He's one of my writers, or whatever. I can't do a James Corden. I'm like, hey, nice to meet you. Hi, how are you? He's like, hi.

Nice to meet you. How are you in John Las Vegas? That's not fair. That's too sexy. It's awesome. He's got to try to die. He is sexy. He's too sexy. I blew him right back. He's one of the sexiest bald dudes.

I agree. That and that one judge from America's Next Top Model. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. But, you know, to be honest, what were you going to say? What were you going to say? Never, guys. Never, guys.

We're getting into draft road trips, and the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. I'm shooting up. Play between the three of you. Dave is shooting rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. I'm shooting up. Play between the three of you. David's shooting up. Okay, sorry. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

All different. Whoa, wide open. No, wait, what? Here we go again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David's a different one. David wins again. Oh, David, what's the order of the draft going to be?

But before you decide that, I'd love to remind you, it is a serpentine draft. What is that? Great question. Well, let's to remind you, it is a serpentine draft. What is that? Great question. Well, let's say that you were doing like a vocal warm-up. And you were doing like, you know, you were going like, Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.

No. And then you just went back. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do. The other way, and you went, Do, ti, la, so, fa, mi, re, do. You're trying to do soul fesh live. And then you want to go back. So you go, do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.

And then, you know, back the other way. Do, ti, la, so, fa, mi, re, do. Sean, I love you for this. Sean, this is big beret energy. And I love it. This is big beret energy. I am a fan. I want to be a good singer so bad, and I never will be.

You will. It's an instrument. You have to practice. And I don't. I know. That one. That's what it's like. Okay, so like that.

Perfect. So basically what it means is you pick fourth and the first, you're going to pick first and the second. David, with that in mind, it is incumbent upon you to pick the order of the draft. Before you determine the order of the draft, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back.

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get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash allfantasy, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. Man, we're back! Welcome back to All Fantasy, everyone. Wow. A woolly mammoth broke in the studio and David picked it up, ripped it in half. What? And then it healed into two woolly mammoths.

He stood with one foot on the back of each woolly mammoth, stormed down to the fucking, there's a McDonald's just right around the corner, picked up a fish fillet, brought it back, and we all sat there and talked about how life is, you know, baby things go in cycles. String theory. Mytosis.

Voodoo economics. Amphibians, what's the deal? What are those up to? And then the filet of fish Magnets How do they work It turned into Steve Buscemi dude And he's told stories For like an hour

Either way he's in my belly You know what I'm talking about Didn't ICP have a whole song Called Magnets Or what there was like A verse where they're like Fucking how do magnets work How do they work

Oh really They did though right I'm not wrong Yeah Alright cool You would know I went to an ICP show one time Paid my own money

Bragged about it That's tight Sean Cool dude Sean that's pretty tight All right, cool. You would know. I went to an ICP show one time, paid my own money, bragged about it. That's tight, Sean. Sean, that's pretty tight. What order is the draft going to be, David? I'm mixing it up. What? David's first.

Sean's second. Ian's third. All right. BL's on the corner. She's hot cornering. We've got to mix it up. Ian, you've had hot corner the last forever. Probably like 30 episodes. Yeah, ever since I declared my affection for her.

We gotta mix it up. I just feel like I was handed a scepter. Like, this is a lot of pressure. Okay. A lot of pressure. David Borey, then. You have the first pick in the Road Trips All Fantasy Everything draft. You're on the clock.

All right. My first pick in the Road Trips All Fantasy Everything draft. You're on the clock. All right. My first pick is going to be when you've been driving for a while. Maybe it's just a two-person or a three-person road trip. You start getting real deep in the conversations, and then you find out what someone's trauma is. That's such a good one. Because it just gives you so much I've had road trips with somebody I didn't really like necessarily

they tell you one thing and you're like whoa this puts the whole shit I know why you are the way you are and I appreciate you for it and you were like a strong beautiful person you traced the cord back to the wall no wonder it was

never plugged in at all. I took my time. I hurried up. We're not doing that bit anymore. Huh? We're not doing that bit anymore?

Remember the time you spilled a cup of apple juice in the hall. Nah, dude, we're past. That's all. We're not doing it.

How do we keep doing this? This is like masterful. It seems like we choreographed this. I thought we were still doing the bit. We're not doing it anymore. Don't waste your time on me. You're on me. The voice inside my head.

I miss you. That was a good bit. I think that you can kind of imbue the little T's if you spend enough time together, but the big T's really wait for our road trip to come. Oh, yeah. Because it's just some shit that, like, because, you know, for me, it's like most of my people that I would be going on a road trip with, the other times we're hanging out is at a bar before or after a stand-up show. Or at, like, a group setting, you know, where we're all at a park.

It's never really. I'm writing down deep convos for this. Yeah. It's never a place to'm writing down deep convos for this. Yeah, it's never like a place to go for a deep dig. But that road trip is like, we're driving through Kansas. What do you want to do? Yeah, it's vulnerable to bring that stuff up anywhere, even with people you like.

I'm just sitting real low to stretch my back out. I'm not trying to style on anybody. I think you're getting in the zone. It's amazing. Because it's like. Even if you know you can trust somebody or even if you don't, but like it's a captive audience. They can't text. Right.

They can't text. Let me open up. I'm going to start talking knowing this person can't. They're not going to like open the door and roll out. And sometimes it's just that. Yeah. Especially doing stand up specifically. That experience of just like a weekend trip. Let's say like it's a seven hour yeah, especially doing stand-up specifically, that experience of just, like, a weekend trip, let's say.

Like, it's a seven-hour drive to the gig. Yeah. You know, and then when you guys, it's just you're always going to get, like, dive deep into, like, really what makes. Like, I feel like a lot of people I've gotten to know them the best. Like, I've gone on road trips with people I knew for years. And then, like, you do the one. That's where you have the real conversation. Yeah, that's where you have the real conversation. That's where you have the best conversation.

Yeah. Like a fast track to intimacy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Getting deep on the, getting deep on a road trip is fucking amazing. It's like the best. It's like the best point for it. Yeah. The, I mean, that's what you do.

Yeah. It's my favorite. Uh, Sean Jordan. Yeah. You have been gifted the second pick in the All Fantasy Everything Road Trip Draft. Different pick. Gas station hot dogs.

Damn it. Solid. You can have that one. I knew you were going to give that one to me. Do you ever get to one of those gas stations way out there where they have the diced onion packets? Packets? Like a packet of mustard, but it has onion in it? It's diced onions.

How does that not get rotten? What's on those onions? I don't give a shit. Because I don't like onions. Onions can't go bad, meow. Moving on. I will eat any hot dog on any roller in any fucking gas station that I see.

When you say it like that, it makes me sad for some reason. Rarely do I meet a hot dog that's like, oh, that's too old. I don't give a shit. I was on a road trip recently. I won't get into the details, but I was thundering down the Oregon coast. And we stopped at this place. It wasn't a gas station, but it was a mini mart, but a mini mart that was famous for having dank hot dogs.

And we went there and got the dank hot dogs, eight of them. Eight? No, I ate them. Eight of them. We didn't eat I ate them. Eight of them. We didn't eat eight of them. It sounded like you were saying eight. We ate of the hot dogs. I'm trying to use a flower language. For God's sake. Sorry I went to

fucking college. Why would we have brought that in? Sorry I fucking went to Portland State University. We get it. You're like our king of the hot dogs. Eight of them. Sorry I went to Le State University. We got it. You're like our king of the hot dogs. Eight of them. Sorry I went to Lehigh on a fucking bowling scholarship. All right. I'm sorry I was on the mountain rescue team at Western State.

All right. Sorry about that. You went to Western? Yeah. Bellingham? No, Gunnison. Different one. Sorry. You're a Finnish youth.

No, I'm just not going to apologize for going to Ithaca on a paintball absorbing scholarship. I'm not sorry that I brought cryptocurrency to Tulane. All right. We're not going to apologize for that shit. Not on the podcast. The first Ironman to graduate from Wake Forest over here.

I'm not going to say anything about it. Did I head up? Was I the first ever one division trapeze artist at New Mexico State? Was he? Yeah, I'm not. I don't feel bad about that.

All right. I don't feel bad about that. For God's sake. Did I land a full ride because I could drive a Toyota Tricel very well? Like, very well to UC Santa Cruz? Yes, I did. But am I going to apologize for that

on this podcast today? Not today. I didn't write the whole Rhode Island Art Institute fencing squad. Yeah, but that's not really what defines me as a man. No, that was a chapter, and now we're on a different chapter. There's a lot of things that define you as a man. Sure. I learned how to smelt

at Southeast Technical Vocational Institution so you know a little bit about us I learned a lot about you guys now you know all that stuff thank you a lot of schooling

it's a smart room I performed at a child's piano recital when I was 25 is that true? yeah that's not a joke just to be fair

I didn't know it was for kids until I got there what did you perform? I performed a song from Emily on the piano and the kid before me played Firework

by Katy Perry but just one note of it which note? I feel like anybody can play one note of any song which note? C sharp

which note was it closest to? was it do re mi fa so la ti or do which where was it in that? it was the second

maybe go backwards and let me hear it again hold on I will Oremi fa sola ti ordo. Which, where was it in that? It was the second dog. Maybe go backwards and let me hear it again. Hold on. I will. I walked onto the choir at Southern Methodist. No, I heard about that. I heard about that. I honestly feel like I've entered a vacuum and I can't remember where we came from.

The hot dogs were so dope. Hot dogs were tight. We ate them in the car and then looked at each other and we're like, two more hot dogs. And then went right back in. Oh, that knowing look. Yeah. It was really good. Are hot dogs really that good?

I've never had a hot dog. These ones were. What the fuck? She's a vegan. I've never had a hot dog. What are you, a beef? She's not a vegan. I've been vegetarian my whole life.

Well, they make veggie dogs. Veggie dogs? No, I've had tofu dogs but they're not, they can't be the same. No, they're the same. No, it's not. Oh, really?

They're pretty similar. They're pretty similar. We're talking 7 not, they can't be the same. No, they're the same. No, it's not. Oh, really? No, no, no. They're pretty similar. They're pretty similar. We're talking 7-Eleven spicy bites? No way. Morning Star Farm has never done anything. I've had some dank vegan hot dogs before. No, they're really good. They're really good.

I can't imagine it's the same. I'm just saying. You were a baby vegan? Vegetarian, yeah. Did you just not? Baby vegan. Are your parents vegetarian? They were, yeah.

Okay, that makes more sense. I thought you were just like, no. I dabbled with some white meats for a minute, but I really- So did I. Dave, you couldn't have lobbed it up more. Namaste. What are you going to throw it off the backboard of the shop counter? Come on, man.

I'm the rain man. A vegan hot dog, I think, is the closest to like a regular. Meat imitation? Yeah, it's like the meat imitation is so close. What about better than Boca Burger? Boca's are fucked up. The Impossible Burgers are fucked up. Those are dope.

Like Impossible Burger, chicken nuggets, and I think like hot dogs are all pretty close as far as like veggie to meat. So it's like the charry outside. Yeah, and then like the inside is like there's a substantial inside to it you know a substantial inside same thickness

all the way through yeah you're describing literally my body type yeah same thickness all the way through same shape

just kind of a meat cylinder with a beret a lot on the inside a lot a substantial inside. I just want that. A small 5 o'clock shadow at the top of it.

Hey, Ian, how do you like them? I like them the same thickness all the way through. A meat cylinder. I'm looking for a meat cylinder, I'll tell you. So they're good at a shitty gas station, though? Because it's shitty? That's what you're looking for. Yeah.

Got it. Because they're not shitty food. Sometimes when they're old, they get like more sausage-y texture. Oh, yeah. I love it. You know what I mean? They get rougher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like you're chewing on a Florida tan. It's fun. Bro. Huh. Huh. Huh. Sounds fun. Meat's really cool, meow.

Meat's really fucking cool. We're not selling dog. Meat's tight. Stank. We're out here. Yeah, we don't care. Roll it. Drip it. Stew it. I'll cram it. We're out here. Yeah, we don't care. Roll it. Drip it.

Stew it. I'll cram it. I'll slam it. I'll smack it up, flip it, and rub it down. Work it, dip it, flip it, and ride that B-R-R-T-Y. Are you talking about my body again? Oh, man. Yeah, man.

God stage, you're not Doug. I'll put my hands on it and not know what part of the body it is. You know what I mean? Is that the calf? I just want to feel the shoulder. Ian Carmel. What will he draft? A proud lineage of picking kind of weird things early.

Actually, I could. A proud lineage of picking the most obvious thing early. Because he's the only one who takes this draft seriously. What? Fuck with you guys. My first pick is going to be putting together and then listening to a fucking playlist.

It's running the aux cord. It's well executed on a road trip. Because you can get the full you can like, everybody's going to feel the full wave of what you want them to feel. I love doing it because like I'm a, you know, going back to your acts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love doing it because like, I mean,

going back to your pick, I'm a conversationalist. I enjoy the talks that happen on a road trip. That surprises me. Really? Yeah. I love that. Really?

No, not one bit because that's a fact. But I really, I enjoy when like conversation reaches a natural conclusion. I'm like, now?

And then I dip in. I will say like days before a road trip, I'll spend hours putting together a playlist. Oh, yeah. For sure. You know. It's part of the process. It's part of the process. It's like some golden oldies, you know, for people to vibe along.

Some Motown for people to sing along to. But it can't all be sing-along. Can't all be sing-along. Then there's some like. You need someone, someone's taking, I'm not going to spoil anything. Someone's taking a chill time. Someone's doing something else. Yeah. all be sing-along. Then there's some like... You need someone, someone's taking, I'm not going to spoil anything, someone's taking a chill time. Someone's doing something else. Yeah, you need some songs

for that. And then maybe even a couple songs that are designed for people to be like, what's this? And I'm like, oh, you haven't heard

of X before? You haven't heard of X? The LA punk fans? Oh, yeah, yeah. You haven't heard of it? I'm the same way with Earthgang. Yeah.

Wait, who? Who's gay? You guys fuck with Earthgang? No. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, you would like it specifically in Don't Know What's Around This Town. These fucking beret wearers.

I do that with Jack Johnson. Sean? I've never been. That was such a tone. I'm out of you. Huh? No, I don't do it with Jack Johnson. Huh?

Huh? Huh? Jack Johnson? Huh? No, I can see you. You look good, though. No, but this is a fun thing to do I love taking taking like the aux cord over

and just playing some good ass fucking road trip music you know windows down uh I will say though on the inverse of that if you're the type of road trip passenger

who is like cool let me play a song you're like I had a thing here yeah I need to finish yes

I'm so sorry but this is about 12 songs deep this is a 12 songs deep. This is a complete work. Yes, then you may have it back. You have all the time in the world. Get it done and then,

yep. Yes. So that's my first pick. Extremely good pick. Burn it out. Time for your first pick. Okay, I will say full caveat. I wrote these while

very high last night and I have not looked at them since. So fingers crossed. It's a surprise for you too. I will say the numbers are 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 10. So go figure.

Those are the first five numbers. That's how I numbered my list. I don't know. Okay. I will go with falling asleep while someone else drives. Oh man. It's just the best. They call that the Bori special.

Is it? I can't do it. What? I do it in Uber sometimes. Okay. That feels a little disrespectful. Borderline. She's like, no, it doesn't. No, I can't do it in Uber sometimes. Okay, that feels a little disrespectful. Borderline. She's like, no, it doesn't.

No, I can't do it. Is my money not green? I always feel like I got to stay up because the driver should have company. You do. What if you're not in the, but what if you're in the backseat? Right, if there's multiples. Always up. Whoa, that's crazy.

I can almost never fall asleep. Backseat, you can do whatever you want. I couldn't even fall asleep when we were coming back from Conegas, or I think it was Las Vegas. Whatever it was, we were driving back on Sunday morning after I had taken a- Is that when we went to Dairy Queen? I took a Molly pill and didn't drive. Nick drove. Is that when we went to Dairy Queen?

We went to Hot Eats Cool Treats. I think we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that fucking dude. But I didn't drive. Like, Nick drove. Yeah. Or somebody. No. You drove. Did I? treats. I think we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that fucking dude. But I didn't drive. Like, Nick drove. Yeah. Or somebody.

No, you drove. Did I? Yeah. I drove. Mail was there. Oh, shit. Guys, we gotta go back to Vegas. Yeah, we should.

We really should. But I was still, this was like Strong Molly or something where I had taken it late. By the way, I'm not fucking with Molly so much anymore,

but that's a different thing. I've been over it, man. I've been saying. I'm kind of over it, actually. I've done it so many times too and I'm also I'm done with it now kind of done with it

yeah I was done with it the second I saw it I just I've also never done it just so you know I'm done with this red book I was done with it

the second I saw it I'm done with this red book I was done with it the second I saw it but I was still like I was still like tripping on it in the back and even then

I couldn't fall asleep but what I could do was appreciate the Jack Johnson you were playing I feel like it's such like a luxury because first of all

someone else is driving but second of all remember when you were like a kid and you fall asleep just like the road lulled you down that little white noise

and then a little vibration and then like you get there and it carries you in. Miel's eyes are closed like she's making out with sleep right now. You know what I'm saying? You're there. You feel it. She's making out with sleep.

One time, there was a flip side to that coin. I was driving back from the one year I went to Southern Oregon University, which is real. I really went there. So do you. I taught literacy. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, he also headed the geometry dad. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, he also, you know,

headed the geometry department. He was the captain of the rhythmic gymnastics team. I majored in Talmud like it is at Southern Norway University. Wait, can I just say one thing, though, because you said rhythmic. Shout out to my little brother who was the first junior in the history

of the country of Norway to land a trick that he landed the other day. That's fucking dope. I love your mom, your dick, and your brother. Let's keep it running, Tali. Maybe don't say those three things in the same breath like that. Your mom, your brother, your dick. Your dick, your brother, your mom?

Yeah, I think that's the way. I mean, that's my order, maybe. But I'm not going to put that on you. It just feels good, man. But you were going to say about going to college. Are you talking about my mom, my dick, and my brother again? Yeah, they feel really good. All three of them equally.

Oh, I was driving us back from, and like everyone was asleep in the car, and it was like pouring down rain. We were in between Portland and Eugene. And like a car accident happened in front of us where like a semi-truck sideswiped like another car. And then everybody slammed on their brakes, including me. But like the brakes locked up and I hydroplanned a little bit

so the people in the back of the car woke up like half a second before we got in a fender bender it wasn't gnarly or anything no airbags went off

but like they woke up and I was like and they were like what? oh! and then bam like that

and they were fucking gnarly not to keep you up in the car I think that's part of the appeal of it honestly is because you're like I'm gonna trust that won't happen and so if you're able to keep you up in the car. Well, I think that's part of the appeal of it, honestly, is because you're like,

I'm going to trust that won't happen. And so if you're able to fall asleep, when you wake up, you're like, I did it. Don't trust 19-year-old Ian Carmel. You know, trust 34-year-old Ian Carmel. But it is a scum move if it's just two of you, unless you like previously agreed on it. I do agree with that.

You got to keep them company. Okay. And so for my next pick, check out a local attraction in some random roadside town that usually has a bunch of signs on the side of the highway. And like,

especially if you don't know anything about it previously, you only can get what you read off the signs and you're like, I'm just going to go to that.

Fuck it. We went on a little mini road trip to Palm Springs recently. We stopped at the luxury outlets. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. It's like a Gucci outlet. Next time we're going to buy something at the fancy store. Yeah, we are. are they. Next time we're going to buy something at the fancy store. Yeah, we are. I'm going to get a Fendi wiffle ball bat. My favorite is like an old man has like a small building behind his house and he sells like maple syrup.

Yeah, isn't that fun? Cool. I got some dope maple syrup. Would you like a small bag of dates? Yeah. Or like when I'm driving up to San Francisco sometimes there's a guy that sells bonsai trees on the side of the highway. Have you seen the bonsai guy on the way

to Malibu too? No I haven't. Or like Anderson's pea soup or like Hearst Castle. I like Anderson's. If you go to the Midwest you got like Emma Crumbies. It's like an apple place that you pull over. Who is she?

Emma Crumbie? There's like a ghost town you can go to like the midwest has the best ones cause they're like cause they don't have actual stuff the big blue guy with the ox Paul Bundy Paul Bundy

the jolly green giants up in there the shittier the better in my opinion while drug is shitty I'll tell you that tell you that for damn sure. But it's fun. And now when I go on a road trip, I like to leave room for that stuff. Yes. You have to.

Because before it would be like, no, we got to get there. And now I'm like, fuck it. When else are you going to go? Road trips where you, like, we got to get there, it always feels like that was what it was when I was young. Yeah. It was like, we're going to a concert or we got to be to fucking Greg's dad's house or whatever. And now it's like, now when I take one, it's like, nah, let's take that extra day. Yeah.

Like we, you know, like we left for Palm Springs early at like nine in the morning so we could like take our time. And that's, that's the point. It's fun. Meandering. I love a day trip, by the way. After that Palm Springs thing, I realized we should do that shit. Oh, we should just go back to Palm Springs soon.

We should go to Vegas soon. I'm saying. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right.

With my second pick, tell me if this is okay. Because you went very specific. And I mean to not take a specific thing. Are you taking the road? Road, dude. I'm taking the sound of wheels. Rolling on pavement. Fucking just talking to God.

You know, that's where I think God lives between the wheel and the pavement you know yeah yeah right down there and I hear him whisper in my ear you know okay both of you doing this at the same time is way too sexy for me you have to relax that's what she said that's what I said with your mom and brother

sorry I'm sorry the second I said it I was like this is too far I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Listen. Listen. The second I said it, I was like, this is too far. I turtled up when you did that. Like, I got my shoulders went in. I felt it. I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. My head, they're just characters. I would have said that David would have beat the shit out of me. Oh, man. that's hilarious holy buckets please I'm so sorry Mrs. David you don't have to apologize to me it's my mom who isn't

hi hi remember we say sorry she'll love it sorry your turn just communing with the gods every time every time the car starts to drift, hits those bumpers, and I feel the vibration up through my leg bone,

right to my soul. And I look you dead in the eyes and say, we're going to get these fucking Hanes on you one way or another. Mielle just slipped off the couch. Because I'm so wet from that voice. Yeah, that was my joke. I don't care if you're alive.

I'm not dating you. Whether you're alive or you're dead is up to you. Can you say Pace Picante, please? Pace Picante. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. He's doing something for me. Pick up the pace. It's gas station snacks. Yeah, that's fine. Or mini mart snacks. It's not the hot dog Yeah, that's fine. Or mini mart snacks. It's not the hot dog specifically. I think if you can name your top three roster.

I'm talking like food that does not require heat. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a difference. That is a difference for sure. I'm talking about- You're talking about Gardeos. I'm talking about Gardeos.

I'm talking about getting a gummy, fucking gummy worms. Maybe some combos. I'm talking about combos. Maybe some fucking bugles. Yeah. I've been known to get seeds. I'm talking about combos. Maybe some fucking bugles. Yeah. I've been known to get seeds. You're a seeds guy. Had two bugles on my pinkies.

You know, trophies. They don't make awards for that. How do you know about Pringles? I love a Pringle. I like Pringles. Drinking them. It's a horrible. Yeah, you drink them.

Yeah. It's hard to drink them. Yeah, drink them. You know the funny thing is I don't really fuck with chips all that much in my regular life. Me neither. Except on road trips.

I'm not like a huge chips guy. You're not a chips guy? Road trips. I just didn't grow up. What's your go-to snack? I heard you. I don't really. Wait, what did Sean say?

He said I call them road trips. Yeah, yeah. Call it a road trip. Because it rhymes with road trip. David, don't get shot. I was singing. Wait, that was a penny through of me. What, between us?

It's your pen, if I'm not mistaken. It's actually Danny's pen. I ripped it off. It be your own people sometimes. So what's your favorite? Yeah, give us a three. My top three, I like a ranch bugle. Yeah.

I'll also say, I eat at gas stations, like calories don't exist on the road. They don't. Oh, they don't. But I like a ranch bugle. Yeah. I'll also say, I eat at gas stations like calories don't exist on the road. They don't. They don't. I like a Ranch Bugle. I like, count them up, three beef sticks. I like a standard, a teriyaki, and a pepperon. Wow.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, and I think my number three would probably be some kind of experimental gummy that I wouldn't normally get. You're like, I'll give this a shot. Like a Coke Fizzy? Like a Coke Fizzy? Or like something crazy? get this at the shop. Like a Coke fizzy or like something crazy? Like one of the frogs.

Like the poor dolphins. Or like this is like, oh, like Sour Patch Kids made some like weird like Sour Patch Uncles. The giant ones. Yeah.

Big shit. Maybe a crazy flavor of Skittle. Yeah, yeah, like a weird Skittle or something like that. I always look for a new, so chips are like pretty regional.

So I always look for like a different kind of chip if they have like. That's a great always look for like a different kind of chip. That's a great idea. That could have been something you drafted. When you're in the South, you can eat wrap snacks. Yeah. Or if you're here. That's what I'm saying.

I got pimp juice one time in like Kansas City. I was like, I've never seen this. What is it actually? Oh my God. Whose was it? It was a wrapper affiliate. Is that what Nelly was talking about? Oh yeah.

No, he was, that was Steven. That was a different thing. He was talking about Steven. Okay. There was. What if itimeon. That was a different thing. He was talking about Simeon. Okay. There was. What if it wasn't energy drink though? He just fucking wanted to shout him out hard. It depends on who you talk to.

Was it jizz? Was he talking about jizz? Did he mean jizz? He only wanted me for my pimp jizz. Did Nelly mean jizz? That's the sound he makes when he comes? Wait, do you guys make a different sound? Yeah, what?

I go, my Zatarain. My Zatarain. I do a six-minute Hanes on you bit. I wish you would, honestly. Wow. The whole time. I just say the three musketeers. Orthos, Panthos, D'Artagnan.

Early, early. Desert. Anyway. Roxanne. Sean. It's time for your second pick second pick Sean my second pick

is going to be wearing big goofy sunglasses oh yeah I love it on a road trip I love the bigger the goofier I'm pretty specific where do you get them

I like getting them at like a gas station or something like I mean we have them now you get an outfit like for the road trip you get like you get an outfit for the road trip? Huh?

You put together clothes for the road trip, too. Oh, yeah. This is news to me. I've never done that. See? I've done... I just love wearing big-ass, goofy-ass sunglasses. I did a road trip in an all-turquoise outfit once.

I'm not going to talk about it right now, but yeah. Ian wore his BioFreeze outfit to a courtside at a Blazer game one time. Absolutely. Full BioFreeze. Took his Harley up the PCH. Yup. Only took him nine hours. What do you do

with the sunglasses after the road trip? I just, I mean, they're a whole part of the thing. Yeah, I mean,

you leave them in the dash or whatever. Sunglasses lose themselves. Yeah, I've never committed too hard. They go home. That is why I don't bring,

Ian gave me some really nice sunglasses and I don't bring them with me anywhere because I'm scared to lose them I lost fucking I lost some sunglasses in a river once

but they were like five bucks I'm like who gives a shit comedy festivals are good for giving out shades that you don't give a shit about I'll just wear these weird orange ones and lose them somewhere in New Mexico I do a lot of shit in New Mexico.

I gotta see you now. How often are you in New Mexico? I'm in like... You never talk about it. ...once a week. Whoa. I leave at night. I take your car most of the time.

Do you? The Prius? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah. I dose your edibles. I put like more edible in there. Damn.

In my gummies? When I'm off on my gummies? When I'm off on my gummy tip. Off on my gummy tip. When I'm in my gummies, that's a real me. Yep. Big, ridiculous sunglasses. Big, goofy sunglasses. Yeah. I like it. I'm off on my gummies? When I'm off on my gummies. Off on my gummies. When I'm in my gummies, that's a real me. Yep. Big, ridiculous sunglasses. Big, goofy sunglasses.

Yeah, I like it. I'm in. It's fun. It captures the spirit. Yeah, yeah. It's nice to have a little piece of frizzy. When I just have some ridiculous... I also feel inverted a lot of times when I have...

So the sunglasses are your beret? Inverted. Yeah. My beret is going to be my beret. I'm getting it. I like it. I'm getting it. The sunglasses are his beret.

You don't know it yet, but you're going to give me that beret, and I'll wear it a whole bunch. You're wearing aviators now, and I'm genuinely scared. You look so scary. We're going to have an amazing time. No, you look like the T-1000. This is upsetting. You're going to tell my probie officer I'm scared of. Yeah, or arrest me.

One of the two. Jump up and down and cough, Mr. Borey. I got your cough swinging. I'm getting it. Mr. Borey, if you could stop mouthing off and jump up and down and cough, Mr. Borey. I got your cough swinging. Mr. Borey, if you could stop mouthing off and jump up and down and cough, please. I want to see if the drugs fall out of your butthole. David Borey, I want to see what pick falls out of your butthole, because it's time for your second and third picks.

My second pick is one, this usually happens in the quiet moments, and like you know how sometimes you'll be on a road trip, it's obviously mostly highway, but every now and again you're forced into like a town. Like you gotta go through a little town. My favorite part, picturing a life in that new town. Oh! Shador!

I love it. That's like so close to what I was gonna pick next. I love driving past all this shit. I love seeing like a house for rent and then being like, I could live there. And then I'd go to this library all the time. And they'd know me over there. Because I've lived in small, small Americana towns before.

It's like a good life. So yeah, I like picturing a life in that new town. That's Big Dave the rhubarb farmer. You know him. You know him. He lives on the edge of town, comes in Thursdays to play pool. Right. Okay, of all the road trips you can remember, which is the one town you're like, that's

the reality I most closely want? Ooh, that is really difficult. Do you want to be like a fisherman in Nantucket or some shit? I don't know. Anytime I've crossed the Southwest, I just have a weird romantic, I'm like weirdly romantic about the desert. Yeah, little Georgia Peas in you.

Obviously not Albuquerque because it's a hole, but like- That's Sean's part of the country anyway. That's breaking bad territory. I always like anything in arizona and new mexico just like i always fantasize like the idea of like i could just have like a compound out here would you call it new flexico i'd call it new flexico yeah okay cool cool yeah new flexico yeah uh but i just yeah i fantasize about having like a compound out there and then like just like having like hell of four-wheelers and dirt bikes and a big-ass pool and a big-ass house and nobody knows where I'm at. And then I'm close enough to Phoenix that I could fly to wherever I want.

Yeah. Mine is St. Peter, Minnesota. That's great. Yeah, you drive through it on the way to Minneapolis and it's just got small-town vibe for days. You're just like, man, everyone looks so fucking chill. Yeah. Everyone's smiling constantly. You're just like, man, everyone looks so fucking chill. Everyone's smiling constantly. You're just like, well, this is... Northern California does it for me. Up and around wine country.

I get that too. Remember when we were up in wine country having a great time? We had a great time. That was so fun. We gotta do that again. Dude, David and I went up there. We started a small vineyard, sold it to Barbers and James. I want to be a retired novelist in like Salem,

Massachusetts. Whoa! You want East Coast? Heavy, low fog. I want fucking ivy all over my goddamn house. Your hobnail boots clicking against the asphalt as you walk towards the cafe that you sit at.

That is it. And sip a latte while you contemplate your return to the world of novels. Mm-hmm. I like that. I want to be. My favorite thing is asking you what a word means that I have never heard. What's hobnail? A hobnail, it's just a kind of boot. It's like a click, clack, click, clack.

A hobnail boot is like a type of boot. Okay. Yeah. Tight. But it's just, you know, it's a percussive shoe against the ground. Sure. Not to be confused with click, clack, get the fuck back, Lou to make your skull crack.

I don't mix a lot up with that. That's pretty specific. And not to be confused with, hi, I'm Ludacris, and I'm high as giraffe balls. That's the thing he said? Yeah. Oh, my God. You know the only Ludacris line I never could get with

was in Coming to America where it was like, you got it all wrong like women in tuxedos. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, hey, man, girl looks pretty good. Janelle looks good. Oh, my God, she looks amazing. They've proven it time and time again. Did Diane Keaton ever exist?

I'm sorry, Luna Crystal. Cate Blanchett? Are you kidding? Look it up. I mean, this was in 02, so when was Cate Blanchett born? She supersedes time and space. Yeah, she's always existed, and she always will. Yes.

She created the universe, and will eventually swallow it. Did you not see Lord of the Rings? Not with my eyes. Not with my third eye. Oh, you got to open your minds up. Not even really with my second one. I was on the couch. That's a great call, David.

I love that pick. That is really good. Again, so whimsical. Yeah. Yeah, I do that a lot. My next one is, so like I said, I go on and I go on tour a lot because I'm a very lucky man. I'm very thankful.

But I go on a lot of trips where I'm in town for a night. We drive and then we have to crash somewhere for a night. So when we crash somewhere, I often go to a bar either alone or with a friend. And I love telling the bartender how you got there. Do you tell the truth? Yeah. On the road, I always do. On the road, I always do because it's like there's seven people in here.

What's going to happen? But, yeah, I love that, like being like, yeah, man, I'm on a stand-up comedy tour. It's pretty crazy. I'm not getting very much money, and we're trying to make it to Wichita tomorrow. We're going to sleep here. We're going to have some drinks. And it's just like i'm not getting very much money and we're trying to make it to wichita tomorrow we're gonna sleep here we're gonna have some drinks and it's just like that's tight it's just really fun and it's like nice and like you know especially small town people really open like people you always end up with like where to go and what to do in the morning and shit like that go get a bagel here yeah yeah and then like and like a lot of times it'll be like whoever's in

the bar because it's you know it because it's not always the weekend. Sometimes it's Wednesday. There's just the local drunks in town on a Wednesday. It's just – it lends – it's really fun a lot of times. By the way, I went to that local Mexican bagel – Mexican Jewish bagel place in – Los Bagels? Los Bagels. Delicious, right?

Wow. I told you. What did you get? I got the fucking – the one, the guac and lox. I guac and loxed it. All locally sourced. So good. That fish was local.

It was so good. So good. I'm really glad. Yeah, I'm really glad you got to try that. Guac and lox it. Stop. I would be scared to talk to people in a bar in a town I don't know anyone in. Are you in a brain in this scenario or not?

Yeah, that's true. Could be. There is the the I get that there is the difference like going as like a single woman talking to like the six dudes

what if I was behind you arms crossed holding two axes uh huh flaming maybe if the axes were like katanas I'd feel a little

better about it that's a different axes aren't as scary yes they are why are the axes way scarier than the katana a katana is a finesse weapon yeah not that exciting I'm not a finesse? The axe is way scarier than a katana. A katana is scarier than an axe. A katana is a finesse weapon.

Yeah. Not that exciting. I'm not a finesse weapon. An axe is a power bomb. Like, picture like I'm like... Yo, we're not aiming an axe. I just let it fly. In this scenario, I'm 75% more buff, right?

Pythons. And then I'm just like... Rippling pythons. And then one axe here. No, because the axe could have an intention... You look like Gimli, except blown up. Blown up Gimli. 6'3", Gimli.

Big-ass Gimli. Axes have actual function. So I might justimli except blown up. Blown up Gimli. Six three Gimli. Big ass Gimli. Axes have actual function so I might just think you were These are battle axes. Even then I might be like that guy's a woodsman. When have you ever seen

a man outside of a wood stump with an axe and felt like he was going to do work with it? That's for fighting. That's for fighting axes. I mean do you know where I'm from?

Like that's not that uncommon. Oh we didn't think about that but I'm talking this is a different axe. I'll show you. I'll have a mate. You know what? You're right. I was imagining the wrong axe. Did you not have a mate? Just text me next time you're like at Tender Greens and I'll roll up with a couple of axes

and be like, talk to whoever you want. Alright, thanks, dude. I'm gonna take you up on this. You know I'll do it. I know. You gotta keep him in your car. I'll do it. He ain't scared. I've seen him not be scared. I've done very little town-to-town hoppings, but it sounds great. Oh, man.

You got to like, yeah, if you're driving somewhere far, you just got to have that night off where it's just like, and like, because it's usually like one of those things too. It's like, man, I just don't want to do it today. So we're going to check into the hotel at five. You know, we left it wherever it might. We'll hit the ground running tomorrow. So yeah, we did eight hours and we're just going to go walk around

and have a night in this town. And it's like, it feels like two days off, especially on tour, especially on tour. If you do that, it feels like you double your time because you check into the hotel early and then you're just like, okay, let's just, you want to take a nap? I'm going to go walk down to the, or whoever you,

it's just, it works out real well. Perfect. We did that at Lopez's wedding. That was the last nap I'm going to go walk down or whoever it's just it works out real well perfect we did that at Lopez's wedding that was the last time I went to like the local bar oh we we stayed at that

there was like a bar in this town it was like a street long we went down there and it looked closed and we went in and it was it was just so fun

I had some fried seafood in that bar characters my friend characters for days in there Sean time for your third pick my third pick is going to be seeing animals, like a deer or something like that.

Oh. Like a fun, not like a normal, not like a robin or something, but like I'm talking like if you see a deer or an elk. No, deer's not a normal animal. Or like a moose.

We saw a moose one time. You saw a moose? That's sick. Not real. Man, I would love to see a moose. With my dad, it was like, I'll remember it forever,

but we're driving, we drove all night and there was just a moose on the side of the road and I was at the age where I was like, this is fucking stupid. Oh no. Nowhere to skate. But I was at the age where I was like, this is fucking stupid. Nowhere to skate.

But I saw the moose, and I was like, this is not stupid. Because they're huge. It was crazy, and it was right on the side of the road. We would have died. He probably would have been fine. They probably would have been fine. That moose would have been fine. No, they're known for taking impact of cars.

Just put the shoulder down. Did I ever show you that shit when I was watching Moose Fights for a while? When you got into Moose, that was a big moment for the whole crew. Has got to be the craziest sentence I've ever heard. I showed that when I was in the Moose Fights for a while. I'll show it to you after

this is done. That could be a whole brand. I got some queued up. I can't handle animal violence. Dude, there's no. There's one that goes on in a housing subdivision. What the fuck?

Arguably better than any of the X-Men fights I've ever seen. I said moose versus another moose? Yeah. No, that's sad. No, they're fine. No, because they would have

been doing that anyways. I know, but I don't need to know about it. Show me your chat. That's the nature of nature, baby. It's rough. Moose. I, on the other hand, need to know about it. Show me your chat. That's the nature of nature, baby. It's rough. Moose. I, on the other hand,

saw a video of a moose running through like five feet of snow. That shit was crazy. Oh, that shit is so fast. In real life? Yeah, we're scared of moose. No, not in real life.

But it's just... That's what kind of podcast this is, by the way. Oh, yeah, for sure. Scared of moose. Let's go through and talk about the craziest moose videos we've seen on air.

I just told you. The one's crazy. The one where it's running down the median. And you're just like, how big are moose? Anytime that you see it in perspective of like our human normal world, like, cause I don't think people understand. People think they're like horse sizes. No, it's bigger than that.

No, it's like. I saw a giraffe recently and it like honestly gave me an existential crisis. They're so big. They fight with their necks. And in a way, giraffes are like another continent's moose. Yeah, that's true. I feel like that's fair. Seeing one of God's own creatures in all splendor will be so good.

Don't think about it, David. Giraffes fight with their necks, though. Yeah. They have little anus. Also, a lot of gay giraffes. Gay giraffes? Yeah, they fight and have sex with each other. Very common.

They're like the Spartans. Yeah, that's called living, man. They got it figured out. So I'm about to see one of God's own creatures, a humble man. One time I see a puma lighting out two hills over.

Then I lost sight of it. Then it was one hill over. And then I lost sight of it. And the puma was upon me. And I looked at it and its cold blue eyes. It stared back at me. And a growl erupted from somewhere deep within the puma. Though it could have been coming from deep inside, the earth crushed itself, and the

growl excited something in my blood. And I reached my hand out to that puma. And I said, will I get my hands on you? That was the best one. That was my favorite one. That was my favorite one for sure. I meant to say puma from the get-go. How long do you think you could get by in a zoo setting

if you were asking all the employees where the pumas were? I don't think they'd correct you. Is it pronounced puma? Where's the puma? How long do you think about a zoo setting just talking like that, but like dressed like this? No one would say anything. If you open with it, then I'm forced to accept it.

Yeah, you can't. You're faking that identity. Not only for me, yeah. If you open with it, you're good. I have a query for you, madame. Who is this man? Do you have any kind of cafes or snack bars where I might get a fiction of chicken fingers? We do.

There's actually a Starbucks on ground. They don't have chicken fingers, but they have ham sandwiches. Can I get a unicorn frappuccino? Stop. Good. Yes, sir. They have those at the Starbucks. You mean to tell me this ring-tailed lemur can't talk?

Because I've seen plenty of animated films, and in every goddamn one of them, the lemur could talk. The unicorn traps are actually how we get our... Don't you talk to me like that. Don't condescend to me. That's how we hook our football team here at Flagstaff U. Could I have one of the naked mole rats? Can I keep him?

Which one of these animals can I keep? You know which one you want, though. That'd be so tight. You're going to the zoo, like, where do we buy the animals at? Pardon me. Can I have one of these pygmy hippopotamus? Is that a thing? Yeah.

Oh, I'm looking that up right now. How come you don't have any manatee in this fucking zoo? I didn't ride three days on horseback to not see a manatee. Remember that zoo up in Seattle that has beluga whales? Oh, Woodland Park? I saw one in Atlanta. I saw a beluga whale at that zoo. Time for my third pick.

The zoo. Oh, my God. What? Pick me, hit my podcast. They're tiny hippos. Yeah, they're tiny little hippos. Oh, my God.'re tiny hippos. They're tiny hippos. Oh, my God. Look at you.

You'll live two lives. The life you lived before you found out about pygmy hippos, then the life from here on out, your real life. Until David Google's pygmy hippo fights. No, I don't fuck with hippos like that. They're far too scary. Too scary. I agree.

They kill more people than lions. Heard that. I'm going to play in like road games. A little like road combination games. I thought I could have that. No, you can't. I didn't think anyone was going to pick that. Is Padiddle not one?

Padiddle's one, yeah. What's Padiddle? Where you can make it? Two on the dash, one on the ceiling, one on the dash again. What? When you see a car with one headlight. No, not for me. Where's the one where you take your clothes off?

You're saying where? Don't make sense. Also no. I'm not thinking either of those, but I believe they No. You're saying words that don't make sense. Also no. I'm not thinking either of those, but I believe they exist. I thought you were talking about like I spy. Yep, that's what I'm talking about. Or the alphabet game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, yeah. Okay, let's name songs and then like yours has to start with the letter mine ended with. We do that with actors and actresses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Movies, right? Or Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Or you know what a lot of people have been doing in their cars?

Fucking. Fucking. Two, all fantasy everything. Podcast. People all fantasy everything in cars all the time. Yeah.

Yeah, I hear that a lot. People say they road trip us. Yeah, if you do that, send us $45. Or a picture of you guys road tripping. No, send us $45. I want to see the proof.

I want to see a picture of you guys. Send us a video and $45. bucks. I want to see the proof. I want to see a picture of you guys. Send us a video and 45 dollars. Butts out. If you're not a coward. I used to play all the games from Douglas' movies

on road trips. Those are always fun. Oh, that's a good one. Movie games are like, it's fun to hop on and now that cell phones are a thing, you play trivia.

I just like it, yeah. Or like anything where you put the phones away even where it's just like, let's fucking have a little fun. So just road games. Road games. Yeah.

Meow. Right. games. Meow. Right. Meow. Meow. Okay. I want listen to a whole album in order.

Oh I love that. Ideally one that I haven't heard yet by an artist that I love. Like The Buck Starts Here by Sean George. Available somewhere sometime. And then that album

Forever will remind you of that trip. Yeah. That's a great one. That's fucking fantastic. Right? Positive trip association is very important. Yes.

And it doesn't have to be like a new album necessarily. It's like maybe you've listened to Rumors a lot, but you've never listened to Tusk. Right. Give that a shot for the first time. B-sides and deep cuts. Look at you. A couple Fleetwood Mac albums, huh? Oreo, Fleetwood, I don't have anything.

Fleetwood's back. Once you go Fleetwood, you don't go, no? No, there's not. It's really hard. Fleet you don't go... No? No, there's not. It's really hard. Fleetwood don't crack? No. Fleetwood rad? No.

What are we doing? Put it up on the Fleetwood rack. Sure. You know what? Let's just take that. Help yourself to some Fleetwood snacks. Oh. Return to the Fleetwood Mac.

Yeah, yeah. Whoa. Come on. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Well, I got to tell you so. Yes, I did. Oh, I'm in the Fleetwood Pack.

Yeah. Kind of. I don't know. When I graduated college, I got a Fleetwood plaque. Yes. See, I didn't graduate college, so I would have done that one, too. But I couldn't. It's adorable that you graduated.

Oh, man. I minored in lifeguarding at Duquesne. What did you major in? Not even a business. I majored in none of your fucking business. At Duquesne, you only pick a minor. Duquesne. I went to Duquesne. Oh, my bad.

That's on me. I'm sorry. Regional. I listened to the Beach House album Depression and Cherry when I was on a road trip in Iceland. And it genuinely changed the trip. To or from Reykjavik? I started in Reykjavik and did a big fucking loop.

To and from Reykjavik. Out to the Glacier Glynde. How much? You flew there from New York, yeah? Yeah. Would it take like two hours? Yeah, it's not far. Maybe four.

How expensive was it over there? Iceland? It was not bad. It's cheap maybe four. And then how expensive was it over there? Iceland? It was not bad. It's cheaper than Europe. I really want to do it soon. Dude, go right after the tourist season. Like I went like a week after technical tour season ended, so everything was like regular prices, but it was still like tight weather.

You guys want to go to Iceland? Yes. I do want to go to Iceland. You should. Of course. It's super dry. Go there, drag me else's name through the mud, come back. Yeah. People there fucking hate me. Yeah name through the mud. Come back. Yeah.

People there fucking hate me. Yeah. They're going to hate you even more once we tell them what you did. More haters I have, the more attention I'm getting. So it works out for me. She ate a manatee. She's a manatee either. She'd been vegetarian her whole life.

And then in front of everybody, she ate a fucking manatee. Well, to be fair, she dabbled in white meats. I did dabble in white meats. It's a gateway drug. Find me dabbling in white meats. I did dabble in white meats. It's a gateway drug. You're a dabbled in white meats. Find me dabbling in white meats. Time for your fourth pick, Miel.

Okay. Oh boy. I want a co-pilot. I've been dating for at least six months, but no more than a year. What? That's perfect.

You're still sexy. Yep. They know that I shit, but like sex is still exciting. Yeah, that's a good point. That's the window I want to go on a road trip to. She's right. I understand exactly what you're saying.

Because it's kind of akin to what you were saying. There's still things to learn about each other, so conversation's easy. But then if you need to have diarrhea at a rest stop, it's fine. And you don't low-key hate them. Right. You don't hate them yet. You're not bored by them yet. If you have the Zatarains out your butt.

Yeah. Exactly. And then you get some of that front Zatarain's out your butt. Yeah. Exactly. And then you get some of that front Zatarain. Yeah. Because you know the fucking rest stops always have like the top four inches between the ceiling and the walls like chicken wire. And I'm like, cool, everyone can hear me shit in here. And then they have the thinnest toilet paper.

Right? It's so shitty. That stuff is like rice paper. It's like. That's what your diarrhea sounds like? On a road trip? After all those hot dogs and snacks? It sounds like when he's turning into the mask

for the first time. Oh, it's probably a good call. It is funny on a trip. You're just like, why does my stomach feel so bad? And you're like, if you just took everything out of it and put it all on a table, that's going to be in your stomach. Oh, you know. Mix it all up and see what it turns into.

That's why I cannot stress enough, you cannot go on a road trip with someone you just started dating because A, you might actually hate them, and B, you got to shit still. Which maybe for you guys isn't that bad because there's no stigma on men shitting in the same way. What are you talking about? Well, I can't talk for Sean, but as a chubbier dude, everybody always thinks we shit bad and then everybody thinks

we farted first. They think it's us. Is that true? Yes. I didn't know about that. Why would we be making that up? No, I think you're joking. People always think

it's us who farted and it never is because we hold it in. Or if anything smells, it's just you. That's fucked up. I smell impeccable. You do. Impeccable. I can anything smells, it's you. That's fucked up. I smell impeccable. You do.

Impeccable. I can smell you. You smell good. It's a good smell. You're wafting delicious odors. Yeah. It's an expensive cologne. It's Aesop deodorant.

I didn't know about that. I'm sorry. That sucks. I feel like I can't relate to that, but I do understand not being allowed to shit. I have to be so far, so far into a relationship before I shit. Really? But you can't help it if you're traveling together.

I'll go use a different bathroom. Well, if you're traveling together. In a hotel room? Oh, yeah. I've been in a relationship where I will go shit downstairs in the lobby bathroom. I've done it too.

I do it any chance I get. I used to go to the bar. I was dating this really hot girl in San Francisco. I'd go to the bar to take shit so I was too scared to take it out. See, I used to do that

and then I got to a point where I was like, actually, fuck this. Hey, I have to shit. Can you leave the room? Oh, nice. And I would leave the room. Yeah, no, anyone will. Honestly, in my life, there's only one person who's ever not cared that I shit. Shout out to Claire O'Kane. Shout out to Claire O'Kane. Can't wait for your wedding

this summer, mama. Let's get married! Oh, yeah. Mazel Tov, Claire! Thought about buying a camouflage bow tie, but then was like, no, it's Claire's wedding. She needs the shine. Yeah, that's true, actually. Yeah, give her all the shine.

Yeah, that's true. Ooh, does Claire drink? Yeah, oh, yeah. I'll set a bottle of wine to that thing. But then also, like, maybe, like, I don't know, like, Roadhead is still, like,

ooh, we could try that. Never had it. I don't drive. I've gotten Roadhand. Wait, neither of you have ever, none of you have ever I've had Roadnothing. I don't think, it's too much for me. Just as a novelty, not even to finish. I've gotten road hand. Wait, none of you have ever said road head? I've had road nothing.

I don't think it's too much for me. Just as a novelty, not even to finish. I've gotten road hand to finish, but I've never road head to finish. I have given myself road hand numerous times. Zach, that's fucked up. Zach, that is fucked up. I'm upset you said that. You jerked off while driving.

You want to know why? It's to stay awake. I've done it like five or six times. Zach, you're making it worse somehow. What happens afterwards? Why are you calling him Zach? Did I call him Zach? Yeah.

Because it sounds like something Zach would do. Yeah. Because he's a psycho. It doesn't though. No, it doesn't. She's disassociating so she can still respect you as a person. I'm actually quite upset. That's crazy.

I've done it like probably 10 times. I've also rode. Sean, Marissa is guffawing. I don't know if you can see her. I can't. That's upsetting. I've been driving... John, Marissa is guffawing. I don't know if you can see her. I can't. That's upsetting. I've been driving and giving hands.

While driving. No, but that's different, though. But that's fun, though. Still reckless, but different. Because I only drive stick so I can pretend for once. Stop. You drive stick?

You drive stick? Wait, you really don't drive stick? No. Why not? Because I drive snatch, bro. Stop! Again. Well played.

No one ever taught me how to drive stick. I just totally. That's like one of the few skills I have that I'm proud of. Marcello was tweeting about how, like, if you don't drive stick, you aren't shit. And I'm like, fuck off. Oh, yeah. Let me guess what the tweet was. If you don't do X, you're a bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the how, like, if you don't drive stick, you aren't shit. And I'm like, fuck off. Oh, yeah. Let me guess what the tweet was. If you don't do X, you're a bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I don't do X. Exactly what it is, yeah. I don't fucking, I'm not going to drive stick for you or anybody. What is she talking about? She wants you to drive a U-Haul? What are you talking about? Yeah.

I drive stick, though. You know what I drive? I do, too. I drive a hard bargain so I can pay somebody to drive that U-Haul for me. So, yeah, co-pul for me. So yeah, co-pilot for someone you've been dating for six months

but not more than a year. And you trade off driving. It's fun. It is fun. Yeah. Well, even if things don't work out like you had that memory.

Yeah, you're right. Yep. I like, here's the thing about road trips that I like and it's maybe under,

like, this is very specific. Ooh, the sunglasses are on. It's intimidating. Fucking the intimidator over there. Sean admits he jerks off when he drives and then he put on sunglasses. I said I have about ten times. I can't believe

you took it. You can't even pick it. I'm an honest boy. He's an honest boy. I still can pick it. I like wheel manning in tense situations. I do. What's that mean? You do like that. I do like wheel manning. What does that mean? Just being behind the wheel. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like driving. Yeah. Oh. I do too. I like road trips. I just went on one all the way down the West Coast and I drove the whole thing. If somebody else wants to drive, I'm happy to hand the wheel. I'm like, yeah.

It's not a control thing for me. If you want to drive, feel free. But I sincerely enjoy it. Is it like a Papa Bear thing? Maybe. You want to take care of the passengers? I do like taking enjoy it. Is it like a Papa Bear thing? Maybe. You like want to take care of the passengers? I do like taking care of people. Yeah, so it probably is.

The same thing. For me, it's like, it's hard for me to not drive. Oh, really? Really? That's something that's changed since I haven't had a car. But normally, like we went on, Adam will tell you this, we went on a road trip from Sioux Falls to Austin to LA to Salt Lake to Sioux Falls in about eight days. Jesus.

I drove the whole thing except when I had a panic attack and freaked out because I had been driving too much. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It does something to you. You become the road. I had to have a tour drive for like five hours, but I drove like 80 hours in like eight days or some shit. On this last road trip, there was called an atmospheric river, which is like-

What the fuck is that? The craziest rainstorm I've ever seen. Oh. So it was like raining- I thought it was something in Joshua Tree you could attend. Probably is, though.

You could attend. You gotta pay too much for it. It's actually gotta come to you. I know. It's a storm? It's like, they call it an atmospheric river,

so it was just like dumping water all over Northern California to the point where like windshield wipers going as fast as they can. Oh, I know. I've seen, I know the science behind it, too, why should wife is going as fast as they can. I've seen,

I know the science behind it too. Why they call that. I can't explain it. I can only see it in my head. We're like in a river, but in the atmosphere. So like, it's actually really interesting. I was driving and,

but like, I really enjoyed it. Cause I'm like, I fucking got this, you know? And like, I was like hyper-focused, like barely blinked for like six hours of like driving through it.

And it was kind of, it was kind of fun. You have a job. I don't hit weather that stops me. That sounds like a weird thing to brag about. I get so pissed off if I have to stop because of weather. That's very Midwest though. It's very much like, or like people in Colorado

have the same thing where it's just like, no, if I'm driving here, I'm driving here. I don't care how long it takes. Me versus Mother Nature, I will win. Yeah, like, yeah. Seriously. Like, you're up in front. Because I've done that.

Even driving home in, like, a snowstorm, just, like, you're up in front of the shit, and you shouldn't be able to see anything, but you're like, no, I gotta go. I'm going here. Like, it doesn't matter. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it.

I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it.

I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it.

I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it.

I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it.

I gotta go get it. I gotta go get it to Sioux Falls, it took me like nine hours one time. It's supposed to take about three and a half. Because you were in a snowstorm? Yeah, and I was like, I will get home. It's like a pride thing almost. Nobody ever talks about it, but so many dudes have driving pride. Oh, yeah. Just like when you're talking to dudes. And dudes will just be like, yeah, man.

I did make that drive in two and a half when it usually takes 320. Oh, for sure. I can do a whole trip in one day like yeah fuck Portland L.A. in a day I got that

and you're like it sucks. Certain dudes I think they think the car is an extension of their butt. Their butt. That's why he has

this Plymouth Voyager it's like a big it's like a bigger butt. Bursa was going to say body and then I was going to say dick so I said a lot of butt.

You know in between of those two. That's why I buy a car that's like the most butt-like. That's why I drive a fucking mystery machine. I drive a Toyota Yaris hatchback. It's exactly like my white ass. That's a butt. That's a butt. What am I thinking of?

Oh, shit, man. They're like the wackest cars. No. Crap. It'll come to me, but it just reminds me of a big butt car. I can't think of it. This is a good story. I love that there's a car

you look at and you go, that's a butt. PT Cruiser? PT Cruiser. There you go, PT Cruiser. That's a butt? That's a boob car to me.

That's a boob car. A long boob. Thank you, that's a long boob car. Long boob car. That's a boob car. No, I think it's a butt car.

Actually, Sean, I think that's more like a titty. A titty car. What is it like? Over 150 years of age in here. No, there's not about 100 years, right?

I don't know. I'm 4,000 by the end of this podcast every time. It's time for your pick, Sean. All right. This is something that is. Is this your fourth pick? Yeah. Something that's kind of scary for me now because I smoked a deer one time but driving at night

You like it? I love driving. When I moved from Sioux Falls to Portland I drove almost exclusively at night I loved it It's soothing to me, real calm I like to be alone at night on an empty road Seriously, I do. I like feeling

with nothing around It's kind of scary too too, because you're like, anything happens. Never having to turn them off. Easy's Omaha. You can listen to the engine droning out his one long song. See, being from a rural place, nighttime, I'm like, I'm going to smoke deer and rabbits, dude.

I don't want to fucking do this at all. That's what I think now that I smoke the deer. But honestly, I've been on a long and lonesome highway east of Omaha twice, and I heard that song at night. It was sick. What song was this? I thought we were improvising. Turn the page by Bob Seger.

Turn the page. On the road again, here I am, up on the stage. There I go, playing the song again. There I go Turn the page Metallica covered it? Uh-uh Whiskey in the jar-oo?

But I will Give you some satchel Oh! That was great I'm in heaven More singing on this podcast Driving at night, huh? Yeah, driving at night

I love it I love it Soothing God, I thought about Window cracked a little Driving at night, huh? Yeah, driving at night. I love it. I love it. Soothing. God, I thought about it. Window cracked a little bit? Summer night? Huh? Summer night.

This is my dream. I'm loving everything. From Sioux Falls to Portland, it calmed, because I was terrified. Yeah. Driving at night calmed me down. I thought about my whole life, because I'd never left town. You're describing my nightmare. Yeah.

Really? I don't know. I was driving. Being in Sioux Falls at any point. I'll flip this whole life because I never left town. You're describing my nightmare. Really? I don't know. Being in Sioux Falls at any point. I'll flip this whole studio over, bro. That's beautiful, Sean. Yeah, I say a lot of beautiful stuff. You do. Time for your fourth and fifth picks.

Okay. My fourth pick is a, my fourth pick is, it's kind of corny, but I just love the feeling of it. Crossing state lines. Oh, yeah. It feels cool. It's neat. You always have that feeling of accomplishment. Especially now it's federal.

Yeah. Either way, we're getting this blow to Kansas. Dude, someone was going to pay me 5 G's to drive like a pound of hamburger to Denver one time I'm sorry, but I almost did I almost got a story you should tell I recorded It's like a 30-second ham Wait Marissa just put the word. I'm gonna say the word hamburger and we'll put that over the word Now the cops are really gonna call over the word oh yeah

now the cops are really gonna call but yeah no I mean there's not too much to it it's just it's just

yeah I really I really love the feeling across the state it's fun it's fun to see what each state thinks their thing is

yeah yeah you're like welcome to colorful Colorado and you're like sure are a lot of white people Seattle's like

welcome to the Emerald City and I'm like what who that's a city line but that's cool but youald City. And I'm like, what? Who? That's a city line, but that's cool. But you know, it's so... I'm just kidding.

That's what Washington wants to be known for, you know? Yeah, South Dakota just has a bunch of billboards pointing to Mount Rushmore, just in the direction of where it is. They just have a bunch of billboards pointing to North Dakota. Those are the good lands. You want to fight, you keep running it. I mean, we can run it, man. I haven't been...

I haven't been in one quite since that's when I was sitting at my ass beating sometimes I got my I got my under armor

spanks on right now I'm good for two minutes in combat I'm in the club with a condom on all under armor on did you just make that up no

I actually brought it on I was telling Adam last night about the one like serious fight I got in when I was like 14. When you refused to drive the hamburger.

Across the state lines. The hamburger. I'm sorry. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait... Wait. I'm a little bit of a good time. I'm a little bit of a good time. You just keep snitching on accident. Have you seen me? I look like an accidental snitch. That's awesome. You do. I know. But in the best way.

That's not always a negative. I mean, for me it is. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to pick my last pick. Yeah, go for it. Can I do it? Yes. My last pick, favorite part, driving across the country, wherever you're going, sundown.

Oh, fuck you. That was my last pick too. That was my last pick too. driving across the country wherever you're going sundown oh fuck damn that was my last pick too that was my last pick too shit I was never gonna get to us Mio mine was sundown or sunrise

it was gonna be one of those it's just sunrise it's just so great to watch the whole transition yeah and hopefully that's one of those quiet moments

where you're just listening to music man yeah and just like cause you forget about I don't know man in this fast paced hustle and bustle that life we live you forget about, I don't know, man, in this fast-paced hustle and bustle

of the LA life we live, you forget about sunrise and sundown. You're not lying, dude. And just how, especially when it's just, when the sun's going to bed, when it's kissing the ground of that cold,

that cold New Mexico floor, and you just look out and you see nothing but mesas and possibility. Coyotes, mesas, jackrabbits, and puma. Jackrabbits. But yeah, sundown.

Man, I was recently on this road trip. Again, I won't get into the details. But there was a beautiful sunset happening. We pulled right off. We always do. Went and stared at it for like half an hour. Yeah, it's just like. Feels like it's only for you.

We were on a bluff. Yeah. And it's like in a car, you're forced to look at it for like half an hour. Yeah, it's just like it's only for you. We were on a bluff. Yeah, and it's like in a car you're forced to come you're forced to look at it. Like, because man

I'll be on my porch sometimes and the sun's going down and I'm still on my phone fucking around. But in a car there's something about like, you know,

it's just you gotta take it in. It's like Mother Earth's like look what I can do. Yeah, and then it also resets you to be like oh yeah, I ain't shit.

Nothing I'm doing is shit. There's a whole earth here, the sun's gonna set a million more times after I'm dead. It's all true and I would like to give you more snaps for that.

I had a friend that said he jerked off to a sunset because it was so beautiful. Was it Sean? Was it his own car? Were you driving? Did you combine everything?

Wait, what? Your friend jerked off to a sunset? So they say. Not a comic, I should add. No, I don't even care about that. I feel like that's not supposed to be what that's for. That's something you would say fresh when you were in college.

Sometimes you should be able to see something beautiful and not want to come. I mean, listen, I don't have a dick, but in my experience, that's just not the case. Were they on Molly? No. Listen, I'm giving you what the experience is. That's what it's like. I'm just saying sunsets are really pretty. No, that's true.

They're hot. 10 out of 10 would smash. Sean? 10 out of 10 would smash. No one's passing a sunset. Man, all right. All right, this is my last pick my last pick This is my last pick right This is my last pick

Last pick is gonna be Taking the long way Yeah I just like taking the long way Not the one up the coast Not the fucking five Realizing you have And it goes back to

Having the time But like being like Listen I'm gonna take I'm gonna not worry About things Cause I'm a big ball Of fucking anxiety All the time

And just taking the long way Chilling out You know Seeing some stuff That you can see Off the beaten path. Love it. Again, I won't get into the details, but I was on a road trip.

Off the beat off path. We pulled off the off the off the off the beat off path. Are you a comedian, David? I'm so glad you don't have a car anymore. But we pulled off high five and did the Redwood Highway. It takes a lot longer, but it's fucking good. It's perfect. You got to do it sometimes.

And your phone, you don't get service, which is tight. You owe it to yourself, too. Like, it's never, you're never in, if you can plan for a 12-hour drive, you can plan for a 15-hour drive. Michal just goes, why do you keep putting the sunglasses on? And also, just really quick, I know we're running late, and I'm really sorry, but just, Sean, where did you come when you jerked yourself off in the car? Right into that Mountain Dew bottle.

You knew that. Were you spitting tobacco? You knew that. Out the window? In your hand and then you threw it out the window? Like a t-shirt. I like to think he. Into the shirt you were wearing?

No, no, no. Like a shirt I would like. I've done it before where I've planned. That was like maybe if you do this. So I brought like an old shirt. You planned when you were packing a whole trip to jerk off while you were driving, even though

previously you said only when you're tired. Into a McDouble. That's how, that's what makes it the surfing trip. Now I gotta take the glasses off because I've now gotten into it. No, it's the N. It's surf, not turf. A lot of people don't know that. Surf, not turf. I thought it was don't know that. Surf, not turf.

I thought it was going to be way less of an issue than it was. Sean, it's a crazy thing you said as if it wasn't crazy. I haven't jacked off in an airplane bathroom or while driving. I don't jack off in non-traditional spots. I haven't come in a car since 2004. Sean's car, thank God, is gone now. It was full of cum. That's why it's called the Miracle Whip.

You should have called it the Miracle Whip. The Miracle Whip. You should have called it the Miracle Drip. It's because he's from South Dakota and he cums Miracle Whip. There's such long stretches of like I-90. Of cum. Everywhere. Gross. Gross. That's how I find my way back if I'm going somewhere.

Yeah, sail trial, right. Come for my final pick. Your final pick. Juveniles off the beat off path. I'm so sorry. Does Sue Carmel? Oh, yeah. Say Sue Carmel.

She's all right. She's all right. She lived life. That's a bummer. Peeing. Oh, on the side of the road? Anywhere. Oh, this is really privileged.

On the side of the road or in a, no, for me, I was thinking a rest stop bathroom. Just like when you're like, well, when you have to pee so bad and you're like, I have to pee so bad. And then you pull off and you like finally find a bathroom, well, when you have to pee so bad and you're like, I have to pee so bad. And then you pull off and you like finally find a bathroom. Oh, the relief. And you're just like, oh. Then you're like, why are there so many Latin gangs in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are people talking about bathroom mirrors outside of Boring, Oregon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But just that relief on a road trip when you've been like, when you're like, oh shit, am I going to make it? Am I going to make it? Because it becomes a job at some point. Yeah, I shouldn't have had that just that relief on a road trip when you're like, oh, shit, am I going to make it? Am I going to make it? Because it becomes a job at some point. Yeah, I shouldn't have had that entire Gatorade, you know? Yeah, but you do.

Maybe I should have just got a single gulp, not a double. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you finally, the relief of peeing and then like, and just kind of like stopping and then like getting your bearings, you know, maybe stretching out a little bit and then hopping back in the car. Just a quick break. Just a bathroom break. Yeah, that is cherished.

I also did try pissing in a cup once on a road trip. Bold choice. It was like the Trenta cup from Starbucks, and it was too much pee. What? Nice. Can you believe that? Well, you seem hydrated. You have good skin.

Oh, my God. David. There's a Trenta cup? Are we married? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, there's a Trenta.

Do you know that? There's a Trenta. Which I can say now, because Starbucks stop was on here, but it's not going to be my final pick. Are we married? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, there's a Trenta. Do you know that? There's a Trenta. Which I can say now because Starbucks Stop was on here but it's not going to be my final pick. Are you ready?

It is your final pick. I am ready. It's not going to be my final pick. Have you seen me? I'm wearing a bra. It's not my final pick. My final pick.

My final pick now that David Stoll was going to be my final pick is Whoa, it's not Stoll if I got it first. Tomato, tomato. Is when the road changes into the most scenic ass unknown bullshit you've ever seen.

I love driving by some beautiful water. Oh, like suddenly you're like, am I in fucking Narnia? When did this happen? Yeah, you forget how pretty America is sometimes. Yes. Yeah. For sure. Or like even in like a tree canopy with just a little dappled light coming through, and then all

of a sudden you're in between meadows and there's no one around her. Even when it's kind of ugly beautiful and there's an old rusted barn silo. Yeah, I love a collapsing barn. Oh, I love a collapsing barn. Gotta go to Iceland. Is there a lot of that? No, the stone barns from like hundreds of years ago just being eaten by mountainsides. Yeah, I'm with that.

I heard a theory on collapsing barns and the reason that they're all dilapidated and they're still up is that you don't get insurance money unless it falls down naturally. Is that the case? When you see all those dilapidated and you're like, why don't they just tear it down? It's because that's a choice. So you have to let it fall and then you get insurance money. There's someone out there who's like, goddammit, barn. That bitch is too good. That bitch is too good.

That bitch is too good. Let damn it, Bart. I bet you're too good. I bet you're too good. I bet you're too good. I let you down, Bart. Put a bunch of Hanes on there, you know? This one fucking time driving, I was doing the Southwest road trip, and I was driving through Zion, and right as the fucking sun set. You went to Zion? Yeah. My joy!

Different Zion. You guys remember that song? Yeah. Okay. But right as the sun set, the road got really narrow, and all of a sudden, I was between different song you guys remember that song yeah okay but like right as the sun set the road got really narrow and all of a sudden

I was like between all of these fucking giant red rocks betwixt right sorry thank you betwixt all these giant red rocks

and like babbling brooks and I was like okay something's happening inside me that Beck album had just come out

that won the Oscar what was it called don't remember Beck that first song Beck stuff and it came on, it was like,

and I was like, oh no, no, no, no, something's happening and I fully wept the whole time I was crying. I couldn't help it. It just happens. I love a good scenery

that causes a cry. Sometimes it's just too beautiful you gotta cry. Or if you're my friend, jerk off, I don't know. Yeah. Different strokes. Yeah.

It's weird that your friend jerked off to a sunset. To be fair, we're not friends anymore. Nice, good. Is it weird that you have a different friend that beat off to a sunset. To be fair, we're not friends anymore. Nice, good. Is it weird that you have a different friend that beat off in a car

while driving it? Sean. She took a tone. Sean. Sean? Sheen. That wraps up the draft. That's an excellent pick.

David, you went first. You took deep conversations that sometimes reveal where you reveal your traumas. Picturing a life in a little town that you drive through. Staying the night in a small town, going to the bar and telling the bartender how you got to that town and what your life has been like up to that point. Crossing state lines.

And then finding a sundown. Yes, I stand behind all of them. They're so good. Sean, you went second. You took gas station hot dogs. A little different list. Big, goofy sunglasses. Spotting animals by the roadside.

Driving at night and taking the long way. I sound like such a... We're playing different games. We're just playing different games. We're more hot dogs. I'm going to take the highway. I went third and I took running the ox cord, playing some music. Oh, yeah.

Getting some gas station snacks, stuff you would normally never eat. Playing those little games on the road. Wheel man, I'm just driving. And then peeing or taking a bathroom break in that stretch in. Oh, getting that piss out. Meow. You went for it, and you took falling asleep while someone else drives, checking out a roadside attraction, listening to a whole album in order, mind you, having your co-pilot

being someone that you've been dating for at least six months, but not longer than a year, so the sex is still exciting, but you can shit around them without severe consequence. And the final one is when nature's beauty reveals itself as you take a turn around a road and all of a sudden you're overcome with how gorgeous everything can be. These are all good picks.

Those are all great picks. Not a bad one picked. Not a bad one. We left some good stuff on the board, but it's such an open topic that it's nearly... Yeah, it's relentless. No one drafted a specific car. No one did. Well, that's what me all was like. Can I draft a car?

I go, that'd be awesome if you drafted a car. No, I wanted to draft cars. Oh, cars. I was going to go for blood and draft cars and road. In cars. In cars. I took a horse and a barely treading path. I almost drafted car sandals.

Because fuck do I not want to take my shoes on and off. Yeah, yeah. Okay, not relatable. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do we take your shoes off? When you're driving? When you're driving. Yeah, I take my shoes off all the time.

You want to have driving slippers. You do? Yeah. On a long ass trip. Really? Oh, yeah. You want to wear sneakers? Yes, always.

Yeah, I take them off all the time. Let them breathe. I look cool. Make sure you send us yours. We want to hear your picks at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the Patreon.

Seriously, shout. We appreciate your Patreonage. You guys are dope. Shout out to Punch Up The Jam. Shout out to Super Producer Marissa Melnick on the ones and twos. The boss. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji twos. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean.

Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to David's little brother. And mom. And dick. Shout out to St. Kelly. Shout out to David's dick, bro. Shout out to the dick dick, that small animal. Shout out to

Dick Gregory. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Greg Lagana. Shout out to Greg Maddox. Yeah dude. Shout out to Greg Kinnear. Why not? Stuck on you. Stuck on you. It is funny. More important than all of that though, if I may say so. Tune in again next week

for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. of all fantasy everything, Shagragity! That was a Hate Gum podcast.