All Fantasy Everything - Sampler Platters (w/ Shane Torres, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

One of the most brazen picks of all time. One of the most hirsute guests of all time. The Good Vibes Gang welcomes The Big Cranberry to the Fortress of Solid-dudes to draft the ultimate Sampler Platter. OH GREAT.Episode Guest:Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @syrupmountainSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that tried to get up on one leg from a seated position and may have torn his ACL and MCL. Did get up on one leg. Which is crazy because Shane did it four times. He paid the price. We were at a New Year's party, a Thanksgiving party. A Thanksgiving party?

Thanksgiving? You were at Thanksgiving? It's not a party. It's not a Thanksgiving party. It is if you brought your own Jameson. Well, then it's everywhere's a party with Sean. Shut the fuck up. Stand up on one leg again.

I was in the middle of something. You fucking alcoholic. Really? Yes. We were at a Thanksgiving party. We were at a Thanksgiving party. I was at a Valentine's picnic yesterday. Is a Thanksgiving party a thing?

Or were you just getting drunk later in the night? It was a big... It was just Sunday and he had a turkey sandwich. Thanksgiving feels like it's with your family. And this was a big... It was just Sunday and he had a turkey sandwich. Thanksgiving feels like it's with your family. And this was a party. A Friendsgiving. They were playing...

They were playing a game where they pick up a paper bag with their mouth. It's just sitting on the ground. What are you doing? I was there. We weren't drunk as hell. You pick up a paper bag with your mouth. Uh-huh. And then they cut two inches off every round.

No, like a shopping, like a grocery store. Okay. I don't need for there to be games at parties anymore. What are we, in our fucking mid-30s? I mean, you know. Is that when that starts? Yeah. Yeah, I'm in my mid-30s with you guys, sure.

I feel like that one should be in the rear view. Yeah, I'm in my mid-30s with you guys, sure. I feel like that should be in the rear view. Yeah, I'm not trying to play games at parties. Every once in a while, but I don't know why you need to do that at a holiday. Bend over and pick up

a paper bag. If somebody asked me to do that at a party, I don't know what I would do. Bending over. It was fun to watch, though. I guess it would be fun to watch. In a tiny apartment, too.

That was the thing. There were corners of end tables and shit around. You know, everyone's obliterated. This was here in LA? Yeah. Oh, and it may have been people we know.

Oh, okay. Well, a few days. Sharpie almost got it, too. Hell yeah, Sharpie. Lizzie Cooperman almost bonked her fucking melon on the coffee table. Love Lizzie Cooperman. Well, if that was your party and you happen to be listening to this, I still love you. Don't take any judgment.

I just personally don't want to play any games. On previous podcasts, I've come out against pool and darts. And I'll throw this on the pile. You really don't. I hate it. I'm not a huge fan of them. Is it sports or nothing for you? Sports or nothing.

Sports, life, and rap. The only three games. Yeah, those are the three games. Money, clothes, and bros, dude. Yeah, big old bankrolls. I'm very into pinball these days. Are you? Yeah.

I hate that. Pinball's the worst. Pinball's so fun if you start. I hate that. Pinball's the worst. Pinball's so fun if you start to get into it. Pinball sucks. I used to play spinball on Windows 95 like crazy. Oh, yeah.

I played that shit, too. Space Cadet Pinball. I actually really like it. It's so fun. Pinball. Isn't it a money suck, though? What, you drink your unpasteurized water after that?

Who do you think I... Because I played pinball? It's from olden times, is what I'm saying. Oh. Yeah. You big fucking dummy. I couldn't have been like...

God, I wish Marissa was here. Everybody does. She'd be getting it in, too. The only reason I do this podcast. You think anyone in Canada likes you? No. No. The whole country.

Canadians. Well, at least they're nice, No. No. The whole country. Canadians. Well, at least they're nice, though. They are nice about it. I talked to a- There aren't any Canadians here, though, you galoot. How do you spell galoot? I don't know. I think it's too-

S-H-A-N-E. S-H-A-W-N. I bet you actually can't spell it. What, galoot? Yeah. G-A-L-O-O-T? L-L-O-O-T? G-A-L-O-O-N. I bet you actually can't spell it. What, galoot? Yeah. G-A-L-O-O-T? L-L-O-O-T? G-A-L-O-O-T.

I think. I just want the listeners to know I spelled Sean's name wrong on purpose. Yeah, yeah. He didn't hear it. I want there to be a U in there. Galout. Yeah, that's kind of what I thought. G-A-L-O-U-T-E is what it is.

I would rather it be G-A-L-U-U-T. Ooh, oh. Wouldn't that be fun? Yeah, I like when there's two U's next to each other. I love two U's because you're like, what the fuck are you guys doing here? That's like somebody's last name in a Ben Stiller movie. Oot. Yeah, go Oot.

Yeah. Two U's in a letter is like cocaine at an inappropriate time. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, all right. Like at a Thanksgiving party. Yeah, like at a DMV. You're like, okay.

11 a.m. Yeah, all right. Well, it's something to get me like at a DMV. You're like, okay. 11 a.m. Well, it's something to get me through this. We're partying. We're partying. Man, I was hosting Good Looks with Mashaun tonight. Sure. Did you hear when he just brought up, like we were talking about what we've been up to on stage,

and he was like, yeah, I went up to San Francisco for Sketch Fest. I was like, how was it? He was like, oh, I saw someone shooting up heroin on the street. It was really sad. And I was like. I didn't hear that. Wait, wait. That was your snappy top of the show band?

This was us trying to warm the show up. And I was like, well, damn, dude. I mean, damn, dude. Ian, how was Birmingham? Damn. I didn't see anyone shooting up heroin. No. No, no.

No. That city is weird on the streets. I've seen multiple people shit on the streets. Oh, yeah. Like in the act. Yeah, that happens a lot there for such a magical city. Yeah. Yeah, it's so great, wasn't it?

It smells a lot like piss. Okay, New York. No, I'm not saying we don't. But I'm saying, like, I don't think people think that when they... No, they don't. They think it's cleaner than it is. Portland smells like pancakes. Sioux Falls smells like a meat packaging plant.

That's what Lloyd's mom said? Boy, she really gave me the business. Oh, yeah. And the weather. Sports section. The whole paper she threw at you. She gave me a two-piece right down Main Street. Headlines, yuck, yuck.

What are you guys talking about calling a loose woman a meat packaging plant? David Borey. Not at all. Don't do that to me. I thought we were Not at all. Don't do that to me. I thought we were at this. Yeah, you only do that to me. Yeah, come on. A meat packaging plant.

I think that would be gross. Like, oh, she's a real meat packaging? I think the guy was a real meat packaging plant. Maybe that's how it works. Oh, because he always wears condoms. If he's sweet with the pickles. Oh, we call them a loonies. Yeah, he always wears condoms. He's sweet with the pickles. Oh, we call them a loser. He always wears condoms. He's sweet with the pickle juice.

He always wears condoms. So a meat packaging plant is a guy who has sex a lot but is careful about it. So, okay. So it just doesn't sound like a compliment. We're at a party and then you need rubbers and you're like, hey man, go talk to Jeremy. He's a real meat packaging guy. There it is, yeah.

Oh, also because you're putting it on the sausage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sheathing the sausage. Yeah, well, go talk to Jeremy. He's a real meat packaging guy. There it is. Yeah. Oh, because also because you're putting it on the sausage. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sheathing the sausage. Yeah. Welcome. Fucking thanks for crossing the finish line, dude. Jesus Christ.

God damn. I barely put underwear on for this. I've been working since 8 a.m. What the fuck? Why are you so late? I worked. What the fuck is going on with you? I worked.

You worked until 5. I worked until 6. You worked until 6. I worked until 6. The last four hours, you had nothing to do but fucking get your mind right, get ready for this podcast,

and then you show up like this. I put underwear on. I put some underwear on. David was losing his mind earlier because I didn't say thank you too much in our show. Man, you do say thank you a lot. I wasn't.

Thank you, first of all. So while we're on it, Sean, do your fucking. You really do. It's great, though. I wasn't losing my. Sometimes it's a bit much. Felt a little overkill last time. Yeah, I wasn't losing.

I noticed. Last time? Yeah. You never going to hear a thank you from me ever in your fucking miserable life. I know, you ungrateful prick. I asked Doug who was on Doug Loves Movies last night and he goes

your nemesis Shane did he say that I did say that just so the listeners at home we can paint a picture for them we're in the fortress

of solid dudes every light is on every light so it's very bright in here and we all Zach Zach walked in

he's very wet and we all have samurai swords pointed at each other you know it's like a standoff in a movie I just barely have underwear on barely barely Zach walked in. He's very wet. And we all have samurai swords pointed at each other. You know, it's like a standoff in a movie. I just barely have underwear on. Barely. Barely.

Barely. What does that mean? There was weird stuff on the TV when Ian walked in. Are you sagging to the tip? Yeah. Am I what? Are you sagging to the tip? Is that what you mean? Sure.

Okay. Am I sagging to the tip? What does that mean? You know what I'm saying? Sagging to the tip. Yeah, you just drop it down. Tag your penis. Drop it.

You never have basketball shorts on. And then you're like, second to the tip. You know, that kind of podcast. The ridge on your penis is holding the pants up. I love sagging to the tip. That kind of podcast. It is that kind of podcast. That's what it is.

Not going to make me feel bad about my habits. We are gathered here in the Fortress of Solid Dudes in sunny Glendale, California, but it's very rainy out. I've been digging it. Yeah. Oh, I love it. It's been so stormy. I was really looking forward to some nice weather. Stormy weather.

You brought it with you. Oh, man, dude. I was walking this morning. It is nice, though. I was walking. It was all rainy, and I was kind of bummed. And then I walked upon the worst combination, a rally of teachers that was patrolled by cops. Oh, man.

It was like the worst energy. So you felt like you were in trouble twice? Yeah, it was like the worst energy in the park ever. I'm staying at Charlene's and there's a school right across the street every morning at 7 a.m. this week. They have been fucking going and people are always honking their horns. L.A. USD, we're with you. All fantasy and everything is pro L.A. USD. That being said, I was talking to Zach about it earlier. fucking oh yeah people are always honking their horns la usd we're with you all we're seeing

everything is pro la usd yeah that being said i was talking to zach about it earlier i do hate teachers maybe it's just the ones that i had yeah but man i don't like i can't imagine you were the easiest person to deal with i can't imagine well i was fine i was super smart i just needed to be focused yeah i was super fun and i we'll talk about it off air, but teachers did a lot of fucked up shit to me. I've never been a fan. They're like fucking kid cops. They're cops for kids. I got lucky. I don't like it.

It's the same vibe. It's the same energy they put out. Harsh. I like teachers. Yeah, I bet you do. It's because you can't read. They're always extra sweet to you. I choose to not read unless it's Motley Crue's The Dirt. The Dirt! Smash!

That'll read the dirt. Did somebody say they're making that into a movie? Nikki Sixx is having another kid. Dude, David's boy. More like Nikki Sexx. Nikki Seven, Eight, Nine. How many of them are there, folks? He's had a vasectomy, too, and somehow he's still...

He's coming through the tie? Yeah. Wow. Now, Shane, do you know when you get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask you this, do you know if you still blow a load or not? You do, right? Of course you do.

Of course you do. We just covered this like a week ago. You blow a load of semen, not juice. Oh, yeah. I heard a disgusting fucking conversation. It wasn't disgusting. It was smart. Oh, you'm sorry smart yeah okay highbrow smart it's a smart podcast it's that kind of just goes what have you never come before wouldn't that be crazy if we found out you've never come?

He's like... I just do it. They just go in there. You know that part where you get excited. Then you back off. Just keep going. And then I come out and I'm like 40 pounds lighter. We can see all your ribs. You have a cross necklace that's out?

And it's just like my phone rings. I'm like, oh, it's Apatow. You're blind. Apatow calls you 10 seconds after his first come. I tell everybody. Heard you came? You know that guy Shane Torres? Yeah, I heard.

Judd Apatow called him directly 10 minutes after he busted his first nut. Because of that. Kid was made for this. He heard. Heat. He heard it. In a re-40-year-old version. Heat. Because of that. Kid was made for this. Heat. He earned it. In a re-40-year-old version. Heat.

Oh, boy. 40-year-old incel. Sean Jordan. What's happening? Oh, my God. He's here, folks. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Bro.

Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. A lot of those. We're seeing so many of those these days. We're seeing a few of those. Are you getting a lot of those? We're seeing a lot of those out there. Shane Cougar Melon Torres. It works with everybody.

Or Shane Claude Van Torres. No. That one's a... You don't like that one? Shane Claude Van Torres. It's not as good. It's still good, but if we would have done that first,

you know? Shane, uh... Zach Cougar Melon... Zach, what's your last name again? Zach Cougar Melon. Zach, what's your last name again? Zach Cougar Melon Toscano. That is a mouthful. Yeah, dude. David Cougar Melon Borey?

Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, that works. Ian Cougar Melon Carmel. The Carmel throws it off. It's tricky. You would have to be Ian Cougar Melon Carms. Melon Carms, yeah. Oh, that's pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Everybody tweet your name at us with a cougar melon in the middle. Zach's in the room late about halfway through. He's going to wrestle the mic away from Shane and take over behind them

like they're flying a jet together. Just so you know, right now he's like they are like Maverick and Goose. I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to Instagram. They are inverted. Inverted. Like they're flying a jet together How you doing up there Mav? You with me?

Did Goose ever do any other movies? Yeah dude I can't name any You're not familiar with all the Goose vehicles? I couldn't tell you all the I feel like he did ER and then he did a bunch of movies where he was a doctor. Yeah.

And it's kind of a death kiss. Like how Denzel's always a cop now? Yeah. Now, just to update everyone who can't see, Zach came back with aviators on. Fuck yeah. Now he's sitting in the same... Are those wood-rimmed aviators?

Yeah. Jamie Foxx sent them. Zach's got Shane's six. Wait, are you serious? Are those the Jamie Foxx glasses? Yeah. Jamie Foxx sent them. Zach Scott, Shane Six. Wait, are you serious? Are those the Jamie Foxx glasses? Yeah. Jamie Foxx. Shane took his pants off, still has his shoes on, though.

Don't know how that happened. I'm talented. And there's a picture of your wife and kid, right? Right in the cockpit. What is going on? And you keep rubbing it, saying, I'll see you soon, Bell Pepper. What? Is that from Topka?

No. I'll see you soon. Okay. I just imagine that's what you call your wife and your kid, your bell and your pepper. It's from the Imaginarium. Your bell and your pepper. They're my pride and joy. That's what I call my meat packaging plan. My bells and pepper.

It's a smart podcast. Sean Jordan, what are you up to? Nothing, man. I'm going to Sioux Falls in a couple days gonna go hang out oh yeah Sioux Falls

see moms smell morels and then yeah going to Portland for a couple days when are you going to Portland yeah I'm going to Portland next week

yeah don't I'm sorry that's my fault no I'm sorry I'm so sorry Shane what do you think that's the noise I make when I cum for the first

time. Shane Torres. Shane. That one, you put a lot of you put a little extra ranch powder in the meatloaf. Oh, yeah. It's like I started eating right after I had toothpaste in my mouth. Alcoholic sandpaper. If sandpaper

could get you drunk is what that voice sounds like. Man, I'd still get drunk. You're going to go to Portland after Sioux Falls. How long are we going to be without you? 10 days? 10 days. Wow. And then, you know, in March, I heard there's a show at Rev Hall going on.

I'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. We'll get to it. Other than that, you know, just thanks to everyone for being dope and listening and keep listening to this. Beautiful. If you haven't signed up for the Patreon yet. Hop in there.

Go ahead and hop in there. Sign up for the Patreon. We're doing fun stuff on there. Fun stuff. We're putting together bonus episodes. Those mailbags are fun. Mailbags are fun. Mailbags are fun.

That's for recording another watch along. The slack is popping. The slack is popping. Yeah, we appreciate it. So go ahead. I put 10 bucks in. Did you throw 10 bucks in? I did not because I've seen every single name on there

and you have not. I'm doing very well. I know, but still. He's both of ours. It's like he's both of ours. I'm doing very well. Wave you for winter, baby. I'm living.

I've been eating clean, the mustache curling on the sides man fucking man i've been coming across uh like random photos of you and my phone where you don't have the stash it's just crazy looking weird like it's been around for a while yeah comes and goes the regularity of it comes and goes well and i back whales that one is shane when he was on spicy news when he was just a clean shave a little baby you look like a baby you're a little giggle monster we'll post it on the Patreon. Yeah. Someone put a nickel in you

after you had that habanero. I'll tell you, you were like crying. Oh, I was so upset. I was so upset. Well, they suck to eat is the thing. And I had two of them. Why'd you have two?

I had two of them too. Yeah, because I was like, I wanted to like go for like, you know, instead of having good jokes, I was more of a spectacle. Oh, young comics. And then I threw up the ice. Well, instead of having good jokes with was more of a spectacle young and then i threw up the ice instead of having good jokes with the ones that nick gones and campy were writing for us yeah

they're funny uh campy lives still in portland but no they don't know they both live campy's still here too? Oh shit, fuck yeah. Shout out to Campy and Draper. That was Campy's suit in that picture. And Nick Gomes. Yeah. I'm wearing one of

Zach's shirts when I did it. Yeah. I don't have any dress clothes. Anyway, that's what I'm, that's what I've been up to. I had a blazer. I think we're really

onto something with that spicy news. Well, not hot ones, it's like this huge thing. Yeah, yeah. That is crazy, man. I was like, literally, I was like, I knew guys

who were doing this shit well before. I was just joking about that. By the, I knew guys who were doing this shit well before. I was just joking about that. By the way, for the listeners who don't know that, those are two guys we did stand up with back in Portland. Yeah. Who just fell out of the game. And Craig May created it.

Craig May. Yeah. Man, he had that, did he ever tell you about his podcast idea called Did I Wake You? Uh-huh. Where he would just call you at four in the morning and just ask questions.

Really? And he'd wake you up out of a second. Oh, that's really funny. Craig May, that's a good idea, too. Yeah a he's a really creative guy yeah what's he doing now we'll talk about it off the podcast and i'm getting emotional about it anytime somebody says my name they yawn it is late folks uh it's the latest we've ever done this. Yeah, it really is. By far. By far. And I'm an early boy now, which sucks. Fucking sucks. It is so lame getting up.

Yeah. Oh, it's so lame. It's so cold now, too, and drizzly. You just want to stay in bed. At Chantora's on Twitter. Yep. At Syrup Mountain still on Instagram. Yep.

Yeah. Keeping it there. Keeping it there. Yeah. Big Syrup. Not seeing a lot of those out there. What? Not a lot of Syrup mountains. Because there's only one of me. Okay. Not like you. seeing a lot of those out there. Because there's only one of me.

Not like you, you can just be replicated any time. Go up there and build a bunch of fucking gibberish out for 20 minutes. Hey man, I'm nice to you. Why you mean to me? I will fucking kill you. You didn't even put underwear on for this. What's crazy is that they're sitting in the same hot tub right now. You can't tell.

It's like coming to America in now. You can't tell. It's like coming to America in here. You got home and I was like, Ian, I spent all your money. They're both stewing in the same coos. They're stewing in the coos together. Shane keeps holding up the worst term for it. He's stewing in the coos. Over there stewing in the coos. Hey, if you need me, I'll be stewing in the coos. Over there, stewing in the coos. Hey, if you need me, I'll be stewing in the coos.

We keep taking turns with the same washcloth. Oh, good God. Are we still talking about coming? I'll be booze cruising in the coos if you need me. Yeah. Oh, coos cruise is what I call it. I'll be booze snoozing in the coos. Booze snoozing in the coos Boo snoozing in the coos

Me and Ted Cruz Me and Ted Cruz are going to be boo snoozing in the coos Win or lose Shane Torres, what do you got going on man? Where can people come check you out? This comes out next Thursday I'll be in DC with Burt Kreischer When this comes out.

Oh, what up, Bert? Yeah. How are you? Playboy. No, he's playing like the Kennedy Center. Yeah. And then February 28th

through March 2nd, I'll be in Portland at Helium. Uh-oh. Don't go. Don't go to that. Don't go. It'll be a better show.

About a week later. A week later. But if you have to scratch your comedy. You had to. Yeah. You'll be at Helium, right? Yes, yeah. Five shows. Yeah, buy tickets. about a week later a week later but if you have to scratch your comedy you had to yeah you'll be at Helium right yes yeah

five shows yeah buy tickets I'd like to hit a bonus we'd rather you didn't yeah you can we'd rather you didn't

or just don't buy a ticket just a couple days later we'll be there yeah we'll just like write you think Rev Hall

is still going to be standing by the time you get there from there yeah you is still going to be standing by the time you get there? Are you going to do it? Yeah. You're not going to go give it that same smoldering look that's on the Patreon page, are you? Because it will crumble to the ground if that happens. Shane Torres and his roving band of eco-terrorists.

Am I on the Patreon page? What? Why did you bring it up? You fucking dick. I thought, what? It's a public page. It's getting cut four ways now. That's fucking what? It's a public page. It's getting cut four ways now. That's fucking ridiculous.

It's a public page. Thanks, Sean. How did you? I don't, how did you not? It's a public page. Like, I just go hang out and look at money you're getting. These people have no idea how bad they're being ripped off. Oh, man.

Hey, just show me your bank account while you're at it. Oh, that's so funny. Now I can't look at you. Anyways. I'll be there. And then I have a web series coming out with Comedy Central next month. That's amazing. Talk about that for a second.

Yeah, give us a rundown. It's called Shane Conquers Fear. It's positive fear factor, essentially. Oh, I love that. Yeah. So like, I have my friends.

He's gonna be eating horse dicks. Yeah. But in a good way. In a good, positive way. I have a phobia of horse dicks. Yeah. Oh, it's called Jenny Slate this weekend.

Yeah. I was in Denver doing shows and I caught her late show and she had a bit about horses and their dicks and it was so fucking funny she's like she's out doing clothes now yeah well she's like tuning up or something i think but like oh yeah i showed

them the patreon patch i hope everybody isolates that sound you just made and makes it their ring tone yeah you still have ringtones you look good man, man. I do. All right. So I have somebody on that has a phobia, and we find out the origin of the phobia, and then we do a small immersion therapy, and then we build a challenge at the end. Can you talk about any of them? Or do you want to say? Yeah, sure. Well, you know Molly Austin. Oh, I love Molly Austin.

She's terrified of snakes. Is she? Yeah. So she came on, and she told a story about how this guy threw a python at her when she was at a haunted house. Whoa. What? When she was like 16.

What kind of a haunted house? I don't know. A fun one? Yeah. The next room, somebody hit her with a wrench. Trenton, New Jersey's third best haunted house. It's the spooky deli. The Lucas spooky deli. The Lucas spooky deli.

The Lucas spooky deli. Go Jets. The scariest thing is what if Vinny Testaverde never existed? The door to the haunted house is just a big chin. Vincenzo. And so we put her through some immersion therapy steps involving snakes or forms of snakes

and then at the end we had her dance. We got a big boa constrictor and then she had to do the Britney Spears slave for you dance. And a trashy, dirty, like spray paint shirt. That sounds terrible. Did it work though? I mean,

she said she could hold it. Do we have to tune in to find out? Oh yeah, tune in. Tune in to another thrilling episode. Do you guys know Casey James Selengo? Yeah. We were new faces together.

He's great, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. His half, he's afraid nobody, his phobia is that nobody actually likes him.

So we took his half hour. Is that a phobia that we can say out loud? I guess. Asking for a friend. I like you, dude. Yeah, I like you. Plenty. Well, you may.

Yeah, sure. We took his half hour and we removed all the laughter from it and made him watch it. Oh, man, that's awesome. Oh, fuck. That fucked me up, just you saying that. What a hilarious... I got cold. Sean, you can be on it. What do you think I would do to you?

I don't know. I wouldn't even be sweet. I'm sweet to them. I'm never coming on your dog shit show, so don't worry about it. Well, then take my likeness off of your fucking Patreon page, you leech. I put it up and I won't take it off. You'll be hearing from David, a nice lawyer.

What do you think my fear is? Are you guys the same lawyer? Oh, I'm not afraid of Chunk. His name is Jeff. His name is Jeff. And he loves Steely Dan. I got big Jew lawyers. Do you know how many bosses they have?

Jeff Cohen, what do you think he's... I got it. I got it. He used to be a big Jew. I know, when he was a boy. Now he's a smaller Jew. I got big Jew lawyers. I don't know if you guys have heard of a man named Ivan Carmel.

I use the term man loosely. The pit bull. The pit bull. The Portland pit bull, Ivan Carmel. Yeah, who he is. Yeah. Ivan, how do you think that Taylor Swift show went? Oh, who gives a fuck?

That. Come out and give me a hug. I'm mad at you. No, you're you think that Taylor Swift show went? Who gives a fuck? Come out and give me a hug. I'm mad at you. No, you're not. It's the best. We've told that on here before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my goodness. Rips, man. Check those out. That'd be great. And then I have a podcast coming out, too.

Oh, real original. Don't worry. I won't be begging you for your money when I put mine out. Oh, real original. Don't worry. I won't be begging you for your money. I put mine out. Oh, do you? We provide extra services on the Patreon. Sean jerks everybody off. Yeah?

Every single patron. And he thanks them for it. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for coming. It's like everybody went to Faded. What are the things you guys do on the Patreon? Two bonus episodes every month. Oh, cool.

Slack that we're all in, hanging around. They get to vote on an episode once a month. We do mailbags. That's fun because we get into real personal shit. I've said shit on there that I'm not. Do you have guests on your bonus episodes? We would be willing to. I'm just asking. I don't want to.

Yeah, we have. I think Zach was on there. Zachula's been on there. Zachula, yeah. Are you still back there? Hell yeah, dude. He's backula. There you are.

Sitting right behind you. Let's get closer. Count backula. Yeah, so go fuck with Shane's upcoming web series. Yeah. What's your pod? Whenever your podcast comes out, you can come back on and talk about it then. Yeah. I don't really care.

I don't want to hear about it right now. That's fine. I hate you. I'd love to have you on it. It's kind of an interesting thing. I'd love to do it. I'm really excited for it. It's going to be great. Do you know what I tell you what it is? I'm glad you're doing one. I don't know. You've had a couple ideas. Which one's this one? This is one where I would interview somebody about what's going on in their life and then I interview them about the same thing six months later. Yes!

My friend Sean had a divorce. No one would marry this one a different Sean. Laura would marry me. No, she's got. She would. She's got any. If that general has any fucking sense, he'll put this down. He doesn't. The general.

He is a big idiot. Putting a no a no fly zone over his daughter. Good call, Sean. He's not. He wouldn't make it past all the come talk. Shut it off. Oh, yeah. That's why we do it. make it past all the cum talk. I think he'd probably shut it off. Oh, yeah. That's why we do it.

Yeah. It's a smoke screen. Time to get tender. And then I interviewed him about the same thing six months later. So my buddy Ricky had a kid. Yeah. And I interviewed him and his wife before. So you've made some episodes?

Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. And it'll be coming out as a season. David, boy. Yes. At? The G is silent on Twitter. He's got the people's eyebrow. At? yeah and it'll be coming out as a season David Borey yes at

the G is silent on Twitter he's got the people's eyebrow at coolguyjokes87 on Instagram not changing at the Fortress of Solitude

right now live and in person at Williams what's up buddy oh nothing much I'm just hanging in there uh this is the week after Austin right okay uh so at I can't confirm it but it's like 95 chance I'm gonna be at go bananas at the last weekend of February? Keep an eye out. I'm there the week after that.

Are you really? Somebody must have dropped... Remember the dice game I told you about? Yes. What? Tell me about the dice game. Oh, shit! Is that Cincinnati?

Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah! I got a Cincinnati dice game. Oh, man. A Cincinnati dice game? That sounds like something else. Yeah, that sounds like someone getting fingers cut off or something. I't think I was gonna hear those three words till

my wedding day fingers cut off what's the what's the old uh what's the Cincinnati there's a dice game well I remember I was listening to the things you wish you were into more episodes and David said illegal gambling and like the night before I'd done a gig in Cincinnati and a comic I know there has a dice game. I think I'd lost like 300 bucks that night. On a dice game, huh? Well, he paid me a crazy

amount of money, right? Because he knew he ran the dice game. He was like, I'll get it back. Yeah, he did. He was like, you get points on the door. So my deal was escalating on what we sold, right? And I was like, is this right? And he goes, yeah.

He's like, you get points on the door. And then I went down and just fucking was getting drunk. And I was like, eh, it's free money. I still have like 300 more bucks than I thought I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the next day he was like, hey, we did the door wrong. I remember this. I remember this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the next day, he was like, hey, we did the door wrong. Oh! I remember this. I remember this shit.

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of not your problem. Yeah. I kind of knew it, though. Yeah. Once you hit that accept on the Chase deposit app. Yeah, oh, yeah. He paid me in cash, too.

So we were, like, throwing the money down on a pool table in a basement of a fun bar. God, I love a thick stack of money. Yeah, yeah. And I might- You might be there. I might be there. And Shane might, might be there. And Shane might, might be there. Some of that might, might, dude. Location to be disclosed. Yeah, but I'll double down at the end.

But other than that, just, you know, maybe watch television and you might see me soon. Oh, yeah. True. I can't go to the fucking taping. Yeah, but it's because you're going to the Super Bowl. I have to go to the Super Bowl.

That's sick. What a problem to have. I know. But I would honestly rather go to the taping. When you texted me, I was not mad at all. I was like, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't know. Can you say that? That's so sick that you get to go to the Super Bowl. I don't know what I'm doing there. Where is it? Atlanta. Atlanta.

Atalanta. Hotline. Right there. Do you have to get back the next day? Yeah. Jesus. Atlanta. Hotline. Right there. Do you have to get back the next day? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah.

Wait, so you just got to fly out for, you're going to fly out on like Saturday or something, Friday or something, right? I'm going, I'm flying out. You go in Sunday, leave Sunday? No, no. I fly in Wednesday. I leave Monday. But what if the government still has it?

Like, because that. Now it's getting. Atlanta is one of the most butt-fucked airports anyway. It's the busiest airport in the world. It is actually the busiest airport in the world. If the TSA are calling in sick, which they should, by the way, because they're not getting fucking paid.

Did you see that video of the TSA just playing loud gangster rap? They're just not giving a fuck. They were listening to Sicko Mode. Yeah, they definitely were giving a fuck before, though. I'll tell you this. I could really feel that. Two ounces, 40 ounces.

Yeah. I'm terrified. It could be like a two-hour line at the airport, you know? Yeah. I'm going to LAX on Friday. Now I'm all nervous. LAX is kind of okay because each terminal has its own little security. But Atlanta has big security lines, it feels like.

Do you have pre-check and clear? No, but I have first class because they're flying me for work and they have to because of the guild. Anyway, we can talk about this later. Yeah, that'll be dope. But yeah, keep an eye on TV. I don't know yet.

Maybe Delta. Fuck Delta, though. That's my program, buddy. I heard some bad shit about Delta, bro. I'm an Alaska man. Lost my goddamn luggage Like a bunch of fucking Galoots

Jamokes With two U's W's With two U's I am Ian Carmel Yes you are I'm at Ian Carmel on Twitter Uh huh

At Ian Carmel on Instagram At Ian Carmel on Jewish Super Bowl Whatever iTunes U is, it comes on your phone. You can call it Judify. Oh, Judify. Oh, I'm on Jewish Spotify.

And you... Idle, Idle, Idle. You're Jewish, right? 100%, Bar Mitzvah and everything. You know that shit? I've heard Taylor, too. Yeah, it's Jewish. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I had a couple angry liars tweeting at me from Sioux Falls. We got Jewish people here. Like, all right. Did you just say angry liars? You made a little Jewish voice when you said it. Yououx Falls. We got Jewish people here. Did you just say angry liars? You made a little Jewish voice when you said it. We got Jewish people here.

Hold on, Bubby. You should convert. That'd be tight. All right, I will. You'd be a Messianic Jew, best of both worlds. Oh, yeah, I'd be one of those ones. Do they count them? We don't, but they do.

They don't count us either. Let's say Mexican and Irish people don't count you. It's fair play. Oh, no, no, no. I don't know anything about that. They don't think we're Jews. It's a little offensive. They don't think you're a Jew.

We sure are. Wait, what? I missed something. Messianic Jews. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that. What's the rub with that again?

That's like- They believe in Jesus, right? Yeah, Messianic Jews.. What's the rub with that again? That's like... They believe in Jesus, right? Yeah, Messianic Jews. Oh, that Christ was an actual... Well, aren't there... No, the Messianic Jews are like... They think they were the lost tribe of Ethiopia, those ones, right?

Oh, I thought you were talking about... Are those for Jesus? I thought those were the black Hebrew Israelites. Oh, maybe those are the black Hebrew... Either way, the Messianic Jews and the black Hebrew Israelites don't think we're Jewish. These are all mixtapes I had come out like 10 years ago.

It sounded like skate videos you were in. All mixtapes came out of the trunk of the century, bro. What do I got going? We're going to be at the 208. No, no, no. Treefort. Treefort. We'll be at Treefort at the end of March.

I did a couple years ago. Yeah. We're doing AFE and some stand-up there. So fuck with us, Boise. Us and Vince Staples, headlining tree. Vince and Staples. It's us and Vince.

Come see us at Revolution Hall. It's the only show that tickets are still available for. It's the early one. And they're actually moving fast.

I didn't think they would, but as we're getting closer, they're actually picking up. I'll plug it when I'm there the week before. If you're sleeping on it, copy your tickets now. Yeah.

Late show is sold out. Early show, still some tickets available. I feel like that early show is going to be a little more on the tracks than the late one. I'm not going to drink it until I'm both over.

Yeah. Professionals. We also have a podcast earlier that day, so what do you think? We have two. Are you doing Rev Hall two separate?

We stay in front of those live podcasts? I'm so sober. Rev Hall both nights? We're doing a Doug Furr podcast. Friday afternoon. And then two Rev Hall shows. Okay. And then we're doing a second podcast Saturday morning.

Oh, okay. Or Saturday afternoon. Saturday afternoon. God, it'd be so funny if it was like eight in the morning. Yeah. Everybody, get up. And then, I don't know, we'll probably go to a hospital. Yeah.

Just walk in and be like, give me new blood. We'll go, we'll probably go to a hospital. Yeah, I was going to say, just walk in and be like, give me new blood. We'll go up the street to City State Diner. Yeah, dude, I'll do a lot of stuff. I think I'm going to get a room at the fucking Jupe. I've never stayed there before.

It's nice. Are you allowed to call it that? I think so. It hurt my feelings. Am I allowed to call it that? Jupe-do-pe-do-pe-do. What's my weakness? Hotels.

Oh, okay. We're gathering today not just to talk about hotels Not just to talk about Sean Stiner The jupe The menjula That would be a good episode, drafting what you like about staying in hotels That's true, I got a lot It's a lot, I forgot We're gathered here today to draft

Why don't you tell them what we're drafting, Shane? Oh, shit. I can't be a... Shane, what are we drafting? Tell them what we're drafting. Essentially. Essentially. Essentially.

I feel like it's very clear what we're drafting. When did you fucking get your Encyclopedia Britannica online? I like that essentially is the encyclopedia. And a moosh boosh of snacks. What is boosh? Boosh. Like la boosh. Oh. What is boosh? Boosh. Like la boosh. Oh, well,

we're drafting sampler platter. We're drafting sampler platter. We're putting together our ultimate sampler platter. Yeah. We could just say we're drafting Shane's favorite food. Shane's favorite food.

I should say up top that you have come to the realization that sampler platter is many foods, right? Yeah. Many foods gathered in one place. Just in case anybody who listens to this podcast says, you did allow it. This fucking galoot, yeah, he's just throwing me under the bus.

I know. Like, it's my fault. All three of you. All three of you were there, and all three of you were under the bus. Oh, man, I love that sampler platter joke. I guess yelling helps, doesn't it? The fact that people buy you sampler platters when you're out and about is one of the funniest. That stopped quite a bit.

It's one of the funniest. Wow. Don't stop it. If you guys are It's one of the funniest. Don't stop it. If you guys are listening, please don't stop. That's one of the funniest jokes I've ever been a part of in my whole life. And I'm fucking hilarious. Yeah, he's really funny. It is a good gag. It's hilarious.

That's so funny. The thought of Shane sitting in a green room and having like five sampler platters just sitting there. Oh, right. It's topped at two. That's the most I've ever gotten in one night yeah that's so funny uh god bless can i tell what i did to dave ross no no um no yeah yeah yeah go ahead he uh he was like he's like you're in town i was like yeah yeah and i was like we were texting he's like he's like i was like you want to meet up tonight he goes like no i'm sick, I was like, you want to meet up tonight? He was like, no, I'm sick. And I was like, do you want a home remedy? And he was like, yeah, I'd love one.

And I told him, I was like, you warm butter and just rub it behind your ears. I like that. He was like, are you serious? I was like, yeah. And then he was like, okay, I'm going to try it. And then he was like, he says he didn't do it because I saw him last night. But I feel like he definitely did it. He didn't dive into what kind of sick he was. So he could have had the scoots.

He could have had a headache. He could have had sinus. What if the scoots was like skin cancer? You have drop foot. Dropsy. An Irish fainting disorder. Yeah, it's called getting drunk.

It's called the bottom of the bottle. You have bog noggin. Bog noggin! Now that is sex. Bog noggin is sex. For sure. We were bog noggin. Bog noggin is a disease.

Nog boggin, that's sex. Nog boggin is doing it. We are gathered here to draft our perfect sampler platter. To do so, to determine the order of this draft, the three of you will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. I'm shooting up. And we throw on shoot. David's shooting up again.

Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, shot down. Sean wins again. Damn, twice. Some of the Fortress of Solitude. Yeah, it knocks me off my chi. It's because we're near his bed.

It's because he's not wearing underwear. I think that's what it is. I function more highly the closer I am to that bed. The closer he is to his bed. Jesus Christ. We're flying it up to Portland for the shows. Yeah. It's going to be in the back of the Rev Hall.

Like the Buffalo Bills did with that diner table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Sean, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of the draft today. But before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is a serpentine draft? That's a great question. It's like if I was trying to sleep last night and my mucus was doing like a serpentine draft from nostril to nostril. Did you use the thing you're defining in the definition?

It was like my mucus was going on my right side and then I went over to sleep. Just like the other night. I've already used this. But last night it was so bad I could feel it. And my mucus would all go over to my left. And then I would roll over and my mucus would hang out on my left a little more. And then I could just feel it go to my right. And I could not breathe out of my right nostril.

And then I would roll back and I would do that. And it would just keep going. Kind of back and forth sort of situation. Basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round okay yeah uh sean jordan time for you to pick the order of the draft all right uh we're gonna go shane's going first oh and uh i'm gonna go second david's third ian will be fourth are you crossing it up because i'm crossing it up because i wanted shane to go first and uh i the hot corner. I like giving him the hot corner.

So Shane Torres, you have the first pick in the perfect sampler platter. All fantasy, everything draft, as you should. As you should. And we'll find out what your pick is after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger

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Oh, you picked my pocket on that one. Ian goes first and fourth. Chris Paul, baby. That butt-ugly lunatic. Butt-ugly lunatic, man. That guy, not doing anyone any favors in the looks department. He's gorgeous. He's gorgeous.

I got to go with Torchy's Tacos Queso. Oh, a specific queso. That Austin queso. Yeah. It's so good. That's where we went last time I was. No, never mind. I was in Dallas.

They have one in Dallas, too. Fort Worth. Did we go there in Fort Worth? Yeah, when I took you to the airport. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that place is amazing. Yeah. It's so good. Do you guys know Alamo Draft House?

yeah their queso is Torchy's recipe they changed it my friend who worked for them, she goes, yeah we totally stole it good man, I don't have any money in Torchy's take it what are you, Mr. Draft House? yeah, Jonathan Draft House it's some of the best queso I've ever had in my fucking life Ian K. Draft House you Mr. Draft House? Yeah, yeah. Jonathan Draft House. It's some of the best cases I've ever had in my fucking life.

Ian K. Draft House. This is the Draft House right now. We're in the Glendale Draft House. You should have seen how happy Ian was. That's a pretty good joke. Don't make me go get my Emmy certificate. Emmy nomination certificate. Hold on.

You don't have to get it. Oh, that's a new one. Everybody listening, great content, but there it is. That's a new one everybody listening great content but there it is that's a new one now I'm holding it are you going to frame those? no if I win one I will

keep them loose put it on the fridge save it for the kids later on David brings his friend over he steals our lighter I show him a M.A. certificate he opens a bottle of Bacardi for no fucking reason what happened? it's the fucking circle of life force me and David he opens a bottle of Bacardi for no fucking reason what happened loses the lid it's the fucking

circle of life force me and David to drink a bottle of Bacardi the next night I don't know man it's how it goes that second part is how it went down I drank a bottle of Bacardi the

next night nobody was mad at him for it it's just part of life yeah he got hammered chalk it up to the game towards he's one of the lighters well we have theories that's the word that's

the word Zach said he saw him with like uh like a full house of lighters. Like, I don't even think he stole them. So David's boy came to our New Year's Eve party. He's great. He's welcome at any party we ever throw. I really enjoy his company. But I think he just...

Was he just drunk and he just pocketed them? Yeah. That's not stealing. Well, I mean, when you're holding five lighters, it's like, look at these five lighters. Yeah. And then you pocket them. It's an interesting. Or he didn't.

Or he didn't. He doesn't even smoke. He smokes weed, I guess. Yeah, you still need lighter. You still need lighter. What is it about Torch's? Yeah, what is it about this case? It's almost white, like the actual color of it,

which is crazy. And the texture, it's always the perfect amount of creamy. White queso is usually good. Yeah. The lighter the queso, the sweeter the juice. Man, that's the older the queso, the sweeter the juice. It's old as hell. It's older than a motherfucker, too.

They'll also put chili con carne. Almost white and perfectly creamy describes the juice. That was another one. A lot of you guys are pretty brown, though. Almost white and perfectly creamy describes the Jews. Messianic Jews? That was another one. A lot of you guys are pretty brown, though. Yeah, yeah. Some of us, yeah. Swarthy.

Almost white. That's what I'm saying. Almost white and perfectly creamy. Shout out to Nathaniel Friedman, dude. He's got a beautiful dark complexion. Who? Bethlehem Scholes. Nathaniel Friedman, that boy up in Portland.

Good writer. Great writer. I don't know if I know. Bethlehem Scholes is a cool name. Bethlehem Scholesz. Nathaniel Friedman, that boy up in Portland. Good writer, great writer. I don't know if I know. Bethlehem Schultz is a cool name. Bethlehem Schultz, dude, yeah. That sounds like you. Bethlehem Schultz sounds like a guy who plays a fucking guitar. Yeah.

He sounds to me like he worked for Meyer Lansky. Right? Yeah. Another cool name. No problem. Bethlehem Schultz, take care of it. Man, those old school Jews. Sounds like he was conjured out of an FBI code name.

Yeah, Hoover was trying to take him out. Oh yeah, and he didn't even exist. That's what Hoover didn't know. That's what drove him to the drink. Oh my God. So it's a nice, it's an incredible queso. It's an incredible queso. It's a queso that smells great and it'll get you there. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Is that what it is? When you said that, when you poured it all over your chest. That was the dumbest thing I heard. That's crazy because it's a hot drink, it smells amazing, and it'll get you there. When you said that, that was the dumbest thing I heard. That's crazy because it's a hot drink. It smells amazing and it'll get you there. Show me the lie about the coffee. I mean, it's all fucking accurate. I didn't say it like a jamoke like you just did.

I don't know if you did. Add a little more salt and pepper on there. Yeah, it's just an incredible queso. Those are interesting spices. I didn't want it to fall under the queso. Is this just the dip or is there an implied chip? Or is it like a shot? Well, I mean, always, shot! A shot.

Man, me and David were up until four doing shots of queso last night. Oh, God. Yeah, they had to kick me out of a TGI Fridays on Friday. On a Friday. My old employer. I got kicked out of a TGA Fridays on a Friday. Those six queso shots deep. They told me I couldn't play anymore.

I wonder if they would. Threw you out and then you said, this place has changed when they kicked you out on a Friday. I wonder if they would do that. If you're just like, let me get a PBR, a shot of queso. And if they,

and they'd like clarify and you're like, oh, just shot like, you know, dip, a cheese dip. I want a shot of that with my PBR.

I think they'd do it. I think they would. Yeah, right? Yeah. That's probably going to be in a bar that's very hip pretty soon. Yeah, or do. I bet they would. Yeah, right? That's probably going to be in a bar that's very hip pretty soon. Yeah, or very not hip.

If that shit happens, I want everybody to track it back to here. Yeah. We invented that shit. Yeah, we invented queso shots. I'm tired of this

gangster shit. Have you never been to Torchy's? I've never been to Torchy's. I usually eat barbecue when I'm in Austin or whatever's in my hotel

room. What's her name? Barbecue. Emma Arnold. Only ever. Good man. Yeah. Yeah.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock.

Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock. Shock it? Gumby. Monogamy. Monogamy.

Gumby. Monogamy. This is my girlfriend, Monogamy. Torchy's Tacos Queso. Great. Sean Joe, what did you think of your first pick? Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry. I forgot it is my first pick. I don't know that I'm going to go that off the rails here.

I'm just going to pick Buffalo Wings. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you know, I figured it would be a pretty hot commodity. Sorry, I had the mic under my chin while I was typing. Fuck! I wanted them. That's what I think of a sampler platter. I just think of Buffalo Wings.

Yeah, Buffalo Wings. Are you putting them in the classic Buffalo? I think so your so yeah yeah bone in or out bone in flat drums bone in for a sampler platter bone in and i'm not really bone in what is it is it a buffalo wing if there's no actual wing that's it you me outside i don't know i've been waiting for this for a long time it's not technically mean wings, because I feel like, especially at Wingstop, that's white meat. It's a chugget, a chicken nugget. A chugget.

We do them in shots, dude. It's a one-biter. It's a flavor chugget. That's what boneless wings are, are flavor chuggets. Yeah, it is a flavor bullet for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A flavor chugget? Yeah. If I just went in there like,

let me get 15 Toriorki flavor chuggets, please. Did you say Tor in there like let me get 15 toriyorki flavor chuggets please. Did you say toriyorki? We used to go so Adam and Tori and I would do this all the time. We'd call it

Buffalo Wild Wings and Adam was the best at it because he never laughed. But Adam would go he'd go let me get 10 toriyorki and they'd go you mean teriyaki?

And he goes yeah yeah darn yeah I do. Darn. And then he'd go let me get 10 spicy gizzle and he'd go let me get uh 10 spicy gizzle and they go do you mean 10 spicy garlic he's like oh shoot yes i do sorry i'm so

sorry and then he'd order uh the what's their parmesan one what's it called garlic it's something like that but he'd order he's like and then he goes let me get uh 10 garlic parmesan it's a parmesan he goes garlic parmesan is like an armenian dude lives down the street yeah garlic parmesan i know that guy he's fucking tight garlic parmesan yeah go in there and get a ask if you can get a garlic parmesan flavor chug it to go walk in there set your gun on the counter don't touch it set it on the counter and say how many garlic parmesan chuggits can this get me? It's a chicken nugget. Someone might be like, wake up.

That might be the thing they say to themselves. Yeah. Wake up right now, Brian. Wake up. Hammy ordered a pizza from Babydoll one time and he calls up. He goes, let me get a large pep and a dozen G-Nuts. And they knew what he meant. I was so pumped.

G-naughts isn't that hard. Yeah, but it's still like, I could see someone being like, wow, what are you talking about? Large pep and a dozen G-naughts? But anyway, buffalo wings. They're just, if I get,

if I have my way, this is going to be a flavorful board so I don't need to go too far in the flavors. It's just the normal, medium buffalo wing flavor. Medium?

Bone in. Yeah, medium. Ranch or blue? And you have to pick one. Blue. Son of a bitch. Blue. I Yeah, medium. Ranch or blue? And you have to pick one. Blue. Son of a bitch. Blue. I've been blue.

I love blue, too. I'm a blue guy. Yeah, yeah. I like it because it's chunky. Yeah, I think the crumbles kind of give it texture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See myself in that blue cheese. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I feel myself in that dip. Oh, my God. You just go, yeah, just like us. You were just so... Guys, we have to get to this draft because I can't see I'm laughing. I know. You can't...

Flavor nuggets. Yeah, dude. Flavor nuggets. Oh, flavor nuggets. Oh, God. That's wild. Ladies and gentlemen, your flavor juggets. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. The end sucked. I feel like I'm like damper now. You can't get damper. It's all of our listeners with vaginas. Shane, your neck.

Oh, yeah. Okay, guys. What are we doing here? This is disgusting. I'm doing weird shit. What neck? I hate it. Me? I have a neck. I have a neck. I have a neck. You have a beautiful neck.

You have a beautiful neck. We were watching so much of your stand-up earlier. You're funny. You're funny, man. See you on YouTube. Is that Mark Curry or Bruce Bruce? Hey, man, you're funny. See you on YouTube, man. Sean didn't have anything on YouTube. No, I didn't.

The Bay Area Bruce Bruce? No, Brett Weinbach's The Bay Area Bruce Bruce? No, he's really nice. No, Brent Weinbach's the Bay Area Bruce Bruce. Bruce Bruce was also one of the nicest dudes. Such a good dude. His boy's Keaton Jimmy? He's like known for being a great guy. He's fucking awesome. What doesn't he have to be happy

about? That's true. That's true, true. Comedy for money and you wear hella purple. Let Bruce Bruce hit it. David Boyd, it's time for your first pick. My first pick, I'm going with a Hispanic flair, and I'm picking the empanada. Now, Shane, did he say it?

You good about it? I don't see it. Empanada? Empanada. Empanada? All right. Yo come empanada. Empanada.

Empanada. Empanada. Empanada. Empanada. Empanada. What are you filming? So my mom's friend used to always make them when I was a kid and she would put

I think it was like a little bit of like ground beef like tiny pieces of carrots and then like a little green olive Oh weird Just like a little piece A little zip on it Any culture worth its salt is gonna take some dough put a little something olive in there. Just like a little piece. A little zip on it. Any culture worth its salt is going to take some dough,

put a little something tasty in it, fold it over, and then cook it up. I love a pocket. I love a pocket. I love eating that pocket. I like adding sauce to it like once you've breached. Yeah. Oh, God.

Oh, and it's steaming. Yeah, man. Steaming like Willie Beeman, dude. Willie Beeman's creaming, dude. He's sour creaming steaming. Yeah, man. Steaming like Willie Beeman, dude. Willie Beeman's creaming, dude. He's sour creaming. Damn. Yeah, I love it. He's a lady's sour creaming.

What a weird movie. Also because he said cold creaming in the song. Cold creaming, yeah. That's a weirder way to say it. Cold creaming means just like he just makes them go to bed and put a little cold cream on them. Yeah, that doesn't sound sexy at all. No girl's ever like, I'm cold creaming.

No, it's like you're cold chilling. You're just like hella doing it. Is that what it is? I feel like you're cold cream on it. Yeah, that doesn't sound sexy at all. No girl's ever like, I'm cold cumming. Well, it's like, if you're cold chilling, you're just like, you're like hella doing it. Is that what it is? I don't think so. I don't think that's what it is at all. Cold creaming is- Name one person,

one other person who's used that term cold creaming for chilling. No, no, I'm saying like, but if you're just cold chilling, that means you're like chilling real hard. So if a girl's cold creaming,

she's creaming really hard. That's what I- But I don't understand the logic, the jump for you. You've never heard someone say that like- They're i'm just cold chilling no damn it so if if like if i said i'm cold chilling it means i'm chilling real hard no i have a shirt that says cold chilling both baskin and robin's cold cream that's two guys right there yeah last night i said something

like i said can't knock the hustle 31 david was wearing a like i said can't knock the hustle 31 david was wearing a hoodie that said can't knock the hustle yeah it was fun sarah silverman thought he was making fun of her really i don't know yeah i mean i wasn't i was nervous looking at the ground now blinking all fast yeah the empanada is the way i haven't had an empanada in a minute it's like and every time you're at a party where they're at, you're always like, nice. Yeah. You're always so stoked somebody made it.

It's always like the people who make them always have like their own way. And like, it's fun. And you see, well, like the other thing is like you pinch them shut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you like see a little, you see a little like work put into it for some reason, which I actually really like. Let's make empanadas after this and stay up all night, huh? Great, yeah. Put a little coke in them, a littleadas after this and stay up all night. Great, yeah.

Put a little coke in them, a little California snow. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I don't have to be at a drive-thru in Englewood at 9 a.m. with Russell Wilson. Sure, let's do it. Russell Wilson eats drive-thru? It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. It was an early show on CBS.

That's awesome. Yeah, empanada. Not during the season Gotta keep that figure Who eats? Sierra Yep Russell Wilson keeps her Cold cream

Everybody's gonna think Oh do it better Try to do it more Oh god Oh it's worse Somehow yours was wetter Yours was humid Oh, God. No. Oh, it's worse. Somehow yours was wetter. Oh, it's somehow worse.

Yours was humid. I gargled. Yours was what the real word dank means. Just like in the corner of a dark cellar. Spanish moss grew all over the inside of our house. That's New Orleans before a bad storm. I feel like a weatherman just died somewhere. Oh, man. All right.

All right. Let's get it on track. Come on. We're not opening a door for you to do that again. Nobody was asking for you to do it. Come on, man. We know what yours sounds like. Keep that shit on the porch.

Fun Uncle Lunatic. David Empanada. It's time for my first and second pick. David Empanada. David Empanada. The hotter. David Empanada it's time for my first and second pick David Empanada David Empanada keeps it hot the hottest matador in Madrid

and sometimes Barcelona and once Ibiza Ibiza Ibiza Ibiza shout out to Matt Bronger pronouncing Ibiza right and shit.

My first pick, if we're going specifics, because I have a specific. Yeah, go for it. Some of these I like a little, but there's one specific one. I bet I can call what you're going with. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I bet, too. I'm getting that fucking fire on the mountain fried pickle mix.

Oh, yeah. Woo, I think I picked it on the last episode. Burke to Burke jerks. Yeah. That was definitely going to go on mine. Has to be on mine. I fucking love that shit. What sauce they got for it. It's like a Chipotle mayo

situation. Here's my thing with that. When I was thinking about the sampler platter I was like, that's one of the only things that you're going to get to introduce to a party. If you had that on a sampler platter, most people are like, I've never had this before. Like, most of my shit's pretty pedestrian.

But that one, people will be like, oh, dope, dude. Yeah, you don't see fried pickles a lot. Uh-uh. I've never seen them. Also, it's a spear, not a coin. And it's also panko that they use on theirs. It's panko breaded. Oh, it's not flour.

Yeah, which is better because it's got the texture that you want. It's fucking good. It doesn't slide off the whole way like when you have just a shitty fried pickle. They use good-ass pickles, so it's kind of like a spicy pickle, too. So it's a flavorful pickle. Like a deep-fried pickle condom just coming right off. Is that what you're saying? Like the breading just sliding off?

Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're shooting for? Grouse, gr shooting for grouse grouse grouse uh it's uh it's a fucking delicious pickle uh-huh it tastes great and it'll get you there and the dipping sauce is fucking amazing yeah so uh yeah just those right on the plate it's just the perfect amount of spicy oh it's so fucking good it's like the first place i go when i get back to portland and i've made sue carmel she likes it too but like so many different times It's like the first place I go when I get back to Portland. I've made Sue Carmel eat there. She likes it too, but like so many different times. That really is the first spot you go to

all the time. Yeah, Fire on the Mountain. It'll be the first spot I go to in March too, bro. I go to a lot. Damn, I wonder if I'll have time. They have the jerk wings, right? Oh, the Jamaican jerk wing. Yeah, it's fucking so good. I love some jerk. I love jerking it. Fucking shout out to Fire on the Mountain, man. Seriously.

Shout out to jerk. Shout out to jerk. Shout out to jerk, dude. Whatever they're jerking you. Fucking shout out to Fire on the Mountain, man. Seriously. Shout out to Jerk. Shout out to Jerk. Shout out to Jerk, dude. Whatever they're jerking it with, I'm fucking, for real though. Jerk me with it. What do we got to do

to get a free t-shirt at a place? That's what I wonder. From Fire on the Mountain? Do you think they listen to our podcast? No. They probably listen to like-

You should have a pre-party at Fire on the Mountain. Oh, we should. That'd be gnarly. Damn. We can't though. If we just had an after party. Oh, we should. That'd be gnarly. Damn, we can't though. If we just had an after party. I just got like, I just got 8,000

calories worth of Fire on the Mountain in me. It's hard to stand up when you're that full. Yeah, I could never eat that before doing anything other than walking back to your guys' apartment and watching Blue Chips or whatever. I could eat it on Saturday. Dude, Shaq. We were sitting at the crib one day and you were just flipping through. He goes,

it was like a blue chips day, right? And I go, it does feel like a blue chips day. I just re-watched that like a month ago. Good movie. Nick Nolte gets a lot of shit, but he's a good actor. He's a good actor. Does he get a lot of shit for being a bad actor? For being such a drunken...

I think people think he sucks. Did he say the N-word? In 48 hours. Yeah, he sure did. Yeah, he did. He definitely said it a lot in that movie. Said it like right to Eddie Murphy. Yeah. Like, not like behind his back.

Not like behind the back one. Yeah, like... Yeah, it was in the script. Yeah. He gave him a chest pass. Those were his ad-libs, too. He just improvised. Yeah, they didn't...

Let's rip a little. Let's just do one-libs, too. He's just improvising. Yeah, they didn't... Let's rip a little. Let's just do one more for coverage and I'll say whatever you want. Hey, uh, you mind if I go off script? God damn it, Bill Ginn. You want to have a go? He says Beverly Hills Cop

when he's the ad-lib. Yeah. Oh, man. I got my fripples. Did you know he auditioned for Han Solo? Oh, really? Yeah, it was between him and Harrison Ford. Chewbacca, you jungle dog. You jungle dog.

Goddamn space butt. Goddamn it. He knows, Leia's,'s you know yeah yeah sister's rape you know my favorite part about blue chips is that he was as sweaty as shaquille o'neal throughout the whole movie right and shaq should be sweaty yeah nick nolte he had that like under the hair like the back of the hair sweat, the whole movie. Who's the actress that plays his ex-wife in that movie? Oh, she's so great. Yeah.

Also, I am very, I think it was just I watched Blue Chips at the right age. So sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's so sexy. That flirty way of talking the whole time. Yeah, that flirty way of being disappointed in you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a coach, you want to play someone on one.

She's like, come on, you know you're not staying here tonight. I've always said that about you. You kind of have a fun, flirty way of talking. I do. My second pick. After your fripples, I feel like that. I've got my Fire on the Mountain fried pickles. And then I'm going to do pulled pork slider.

Damn it. I had sliders too. Pulled pork slider. I'm not trying to fucking sampler platter the sampler platter. Because what I would really like to do is have a... Shane sat up. Look at him. He's all leaning in.

Slider trio. No, you're going to get more than one slider, I think. All right. It's a slider trio. You're going to get more than one slider on that sampler platter. Can they each be a different thing? Sure. Sliders are gone now, I think.

Pulled pork, traditional cheeseburger slider, fried chicken slider sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a slider trio to go along with my fried pickles. You want a flight of sliders. A slider flight. Oh, my God. That's the bar.

Slider flight, dude. That's the bar we start. Fucking slider flight. Slider flight. That's how we wash the money. Yeah. I mean, we open it up. Yeah.

Yeah, that's how we support small business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, that's where we stash that loot. Washing that money. That's where the West Coast ice game starts. That's all I've ever watched. We're going to have rumbles. Yeah, dude.

Fucking chain rumbles. Chop poker, dude. What's chop poker? Chop fingers off, man. They played it in Tales from the Crypt one time. You lose a hand, you chop the other person's finger off. I don't understand why you would play that game. I'd be chopping off a lot of fingers, man.

You sprinkled it in like we knew it, too. Do you get to chop poker? It's much harder to hold your cards without a finger. Oh, yeah. I mean, you only play it with someone you hate, I think, essentially. I'm not going to chop any of your fingers off. Is it like a duel? Like, I challenge you to a game. I mean, it's just an episode of Tales from the Crypt.

They just played it, these two gamblers who hated each other played it, and they ended up... You guys ever saw it? It's pretty funny. They end up with... It's not funny. They end up with no arms or legs or anything. They chopped everything off. And they're just like in a... in a nursing home playing with their teeth. Does one of them ever cut off his nose

to spite his face? I think they leave with their with their noggins, or their schnozzes. Their noggins? Bog noggin. Bog noggin? Nog bobbin? Nog bobbin.

Yeah, slider trio, dude. I don't mind a slider every now and then. I'd prefer, if I have my druthers, and Lord, do I love to have my druthers. You do like your druthers. I've noticed that about you. I do like to have my druthers. and Lord, do I love to have my druthers. You do like your druthers. I've noticed that about you. I do like to have my druthers. There's something about snacking the same thing that's a little different

that is very satisfying. The good bun. Yeah, and the reason I never get sliders is because they're never filling me up enough, but if they're on a sampler platter, I don't need to give a shit if they're filling me up. Fill me up. Yeah. Before you go, go. So, slider trio for Rich Homie Karmz. For round two. give a shit if they're filling me up. Yeah. Before you go, go.

So, Slider Trio for Rich Homie Carms. For round two. For Yorgos Lanthimos. David Borey, time for your second pick. My second pick, I'm going to take it down to the islands. I'm picking... Is that that weird? No.

That was just funny. I'm picking... Obviously, I want them to be little ones yeah i'm picking spam musubi oh you motherfucker i didn't have that on my list but that's such a good idea imagine how it's smaller like little poppable ones for an appetizer it is uh it's basically spam sushi yeah it's like it's like Hawaiian dish. Yeah. So it's just like spam rolled in rice? Yeah. Well, yeah.

Yeah, wrapped in seaweed. Yeah. But yeah, it's like a thin thing on top of the rice pad and then rolled. Never even heard of it. It's so fucking good. Oh, it's bomb. It's so good. If you like spam at all, it's so good.

Yeah. If you guys ever go to like a Hawaiian barbecue, like L&L or something like that, they usually have it. L&L. That place over in Highland Park. Yeah. They have spam musubi. Yeah. I went there one night. Yeah. There's a Hawaiian barbecue in the Galleria too. There is. I didn't even'd like it. They usually have it. L&O, that place over in Highland Park. Yeah, they have Spam Musubi. Yeah, I went there one night.

Yeah, there's a Hawaiian barbecue in the Galleria, too. There is. I didn't even know if I ever even had it. I went to freshman year college because of the WUWI program, the Western University Exchange. I went to school with a bunch of Hawaiians, and they would just make Spam Musubi every now and then. It's so fucking good.

It's so, yeah. Also, I took a bunch of those fucking Hawaiians up to the mountain to see snow for the first time. And that's such a fun little experience. What a neat thing. Right? Yeah. That is cool, man.

Clayton Carvalho, wherever you are, man. That guy was from Hana, which is that crazy town that you have to get to. You have to take that road to Hana. It's like a four-hour drive. You can only go 50 miles an hour because it's so treacherous. He lived there, man. That's so bad.

Isn't that crazy that people get out of there? I don't know how it happened. Like, wow. Yeah. Was he scary? No, he was amazing. He was the opposite of scary. He was one of the more placid individuals you'd ever hope to meet.

Sat under his desk in his dorm room a lot. He sat under his desk? Under it. I don't know, man. Like drunk or sober? We got to get Nampay around to talk. We'll talk about Clayton Carvalho when Nampay's around. He was fucking awesome, too.

It's not like talking shit. No, it's like if you have to be a buck dude to survive a place like that. He was a man who had some particularities and some peculiarities at the same time. It's because he was raised in the island. In the crucible. The farthest point you could get to. God. Oprah owned a lot of land around him.

What? Winfrey. That sounds gnarly. Winfrey, by the way. Classic Oprah. Classic Oprah. Yeah, Spam Loosey is so good. Yeah, I love that shit, man.

And I think little poppable ones would be so good on a... I feel like Spam got a bad rap back in the day. Yeah, Spam is fuego. Everybody had those Spam shirts and it just took it. You could get them at Gadzooks or... ones would be so good on i feel like spam got a bad rap back in the day because if yeah my age way everybody had those spam shirts and you could give them at gadzooks or yeah everyone's like oh spam must suck gadzooks gadzooks dude we stole a lot of t-shirts from that place there's a couple spam t-shirts yeah yeah i love yeah i love spam i love chopping it up in little cubes frying it in eggs i don't eat it that much because it is really bad for you. Is it really?

I don't know if I've ever had it. It's potted meat. It's fucking awful. It's so salty. I know. I've seen it. It just comes out in the form of the container it was in. It's like Florbs out of the container.

You know what I mean? Like Florbs. My mom's a Florb. You're like shaking. It's like Florbs. It's like when you Florbs out of the container. You know what I mean? Like Florb. My mom's a... Florb. My mom's a Florb. It's like when you take off a wet sock. Yeah. No, that's more of a scloop.

Or a schloop. Yeah. This is a Florb. A Florb. Like when you touch Spam, I feel like Whisper's like, don't. He's kind of like... It's just moving and you touch it again, you're just like... Stop.

I said don't. I said don't. Put your finger off my body. God damn it, Sean. God damn it. We're never allowed to record this late. Ever again. Real rock and roll life we have here.

Sean's turning into a pumpkin turning into a bumpkin Shane almost just spit out whiskey that was a fuck never spit out whiskey he's not even drinking whiskey I know he's such a fucking alcoholic spam was to be

Sean Jordan time for your second pick loaded potato wedges damn I had that yeah invented by TGI Fridays wait what

loaded not potatoes like potato skit yeah oh okay Damn, I had that? Invented by TGI Fridays. Wait. What? Loaded, not potato skin? Like potato skin, yeah. Oh, okay, I'll go. Like little mini half-shell baked potatoes. Same thing, right? Yeah, twice-baked potato. Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.

That shit's delicious. Little, you know, fucking, yeah. When I worked at Friday's, they would constantly mention how they invented them. Potato skins? How'd they invent them? Well, they were the first people to serve the potato skin. Not the potato.

I don't know, man. It feels just like a twice-baked potato, which feels like something that definitely happened in the 50s. I don't know. I'm calling out TGI Fry's. Go ahead. All right. On site.

The beef is on. Oh, it's on site? It's on site. I gotta hear you say it. I gotta hear you say it. You gotta say it. Okay. Listen. I on. Oh, it's on site? It's on site. I got to hear you say it. I got to hear you say it. You got to say it. I mean, if... Okay.

I mean, but you... Listen. I'm happy to do it. Hold on. Hold on. What? Hold on. I just want to say something to TGI Fridays.

Oh, shit. I just want to say one thing to TGI Fridays. No, don't say it, dude. I'm one of... It's three words, but it means one big thing. Uh-huh. What's it going to be? It's on site.

Bam! Oh, shit, dude. What is... You're fucking dead Friday. You don't know what on site is? It means if we see TGI Fridays we need to rush them and beat the

shit out of them. It's not even a conversation. I'm not even going to incriminate myself like that. We're not saying that. We're not saying

words. I'm just saying it's on site. I got three words to say to you. Okay. Goodwill hunting. It's the same thing

because they rushed those three guys. It was on site. And on site is a goodwill hunting. That's so funny. That's Carmine Scagnetti. He used to beat my ass in kindergarten.

Carmine, it's me, Will. I can't do an accent. Hey, you remember me from kindergarten? Smash. Also, I think if some dude beats you up in kindergarten, you just got to let that go. You got to let it go. You're 21.

You was 20 at the time. I'll never let it go, Troy Clark and Casey Rasul. Casey Rasul? Yeah. A heretic used to beat you Troy Clark and Casey Rasul. Casey Rasul? Yeah. A heretic used to beat you up? Ras Al Ghul. Ras Al Ghul. I don't even know

where we're at in the draft. I'm on round two. We just did round two. I picked the potato, loaded potato wedges. Yeah. Because they dink, because they dink,

because they dink, dink, dink. I'm going with spinach dip for my second pick. Oh, it's on round two I didn't say it was your turn yet Is it my turn? Ra's al Ghul we already took it so it's gotta be now I mean it's not like we're pressed

Did I go out of order is what I meant It's not like they're not gonna get their full two hours We're well on track You're taking the spinach dip No one dips so far. Well, he's a real dip shit. You know what I mean? What are you dipping in it?

Is it like the bread bowl situation? I don't mind the bread bowl. No, you're barehanded it. Everybody reach in there with your hands. Far be it for us. Just stupid. To look askance at anyone who hand dips. I mean, I hand dip.

Just imagine the sampler platter, though, if it's queso and spinach dip and nothing else on it. Waiters are just walking around. Can I get something to dip in this? Oh, no. Oh, you have your hand, sir. They bring you a glove, dude. A culinary glove.

Give me my goblin glove. Give me the hand of a poor man. You make a poor guy scoop it and you just drink it out like a ladle? Now put your fingers in my mouth, sir. Bring me my nomplet. Nomplet? Nomplet.

I was trying to do nom and gauntlet. It's been a long day in the air. Put your fingers all the way in my mouth. Massage it into my gums, sir. Spinach dip. Talk us through it. I like it. It feels like you're lying to yourself

like you are lying to yourself oh yeah cause you're like oh it's spinach yeah yeah that was like a thing that people actually thought for a while

I feel like with spinach dip with spinach dip you think so yeah it's so cream based though it's gotta be I remember having spinach dip and I was like

oh I guess spinach isn't that bad back when I thought I didn't like spinach it was like cream cheese and cream yeah that ain't spinach. It's got some green in it.

That's like saying that bottle of Jameson is spinach. It ain't. Turns you into Pi Pi. Yeah, it does. Did last night, I'll tell you what. Did you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you guys got it.

Pi Pi the merchant marine. Pi Pi. Yeah, David said he had a good day. He called with that sense of, there's a phone call. Yeah. And it doesn't scare me when David calls, because he calls. Like, sometimes he'll just call.

Yeah. But he goes, hey, man, you want to go have a drink? And I'm like, what happened? We good? And he's like, we're great. And I'm like, yeah, all right. Oh, yeah. I would have gone either way,

but it's a different headspace. Sure, sure, sure. It was a super positive. Yeah, it was real good. It modifies how many drinks you have here at first. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, it was cool. Got to see Shane rip up DLM last night. Yeah, you were really funny.

I murdered it. Did you bring up the everything bagel while you were there? Well, none of those. None of those pudwackers are going to answer it. They're all stoned out of their gourds. What did you call them? Pudwackers. Pudwackers?

That brings me to my third question. Damn. They'd you call them? Pudwackers. Pudwackers? That brings me to my third question. They got a good burger at Pudwackers. If Pudwacker was a food, what do you think it would be? Pudding. Pudding? Pudding. I think it's a... I think it'd be a pudding that you dip like a stick in, like a cracker stick. That's what I think a Pudwacker is. How often do you come across cracker sticks?

I feel like it's a burger that's like just the whole bun is around. It's like fully encompassing. That would actually be pretty cool. Like a burger dumpling? Don't they have? Whoa, burger dumpling. That sounds, dude.

And then inside the burger should be cheese. Yeah. I knew you were a juicy thing. Yeah, you just call it the mantle and the crust and the core yeah

and the whole snack is called Journey to the Central Core Mantle, crust, and core is the name of my metal genre I bet it is

it's a good idea Shane yeah it is I knew we were friends this whole time for a reason you were gonna say somebody make some

pudwackers and bring them to me I think pudwackers just when you microwave bologna we used to me and CJ the kid who was a dick to me mywhacker is just when you microwave bologna. We used to, me and CJ, the kid who was a dick to me my whole life,

we used to call them bologna boats. We'd put a, this is so poor, we'd put a piece of bologna in, microwave it so it bowled up, fill it with barbecue sauce and eat it with a fork, dude.

Man, you really don't trust the stove top. That's two weeks in a row you've talked about microwaving you never fried bologna don't trust the stove top wasn't that one of the biggest ten crack commandments

don't trust the stove top I microwave my crack no I don't believe in the flu I don't believe in stove tops I feel like zeitgeist is going to change the world loose change spinach dip chips I don't believe in stovetops. You know? I feel like Zeitgeist is going to change the world. Zeitgeist 3. Loose change. Loose change. Loose change.

Spinach dip. What do you like to dip in it? Chips? A bread? I like, I do the bread bowl thing is pretty fucking. I love it with sourdough. Hell yeah. Actually, really good with it is like soft baked pretzels.

Oh. Shit. That's a good idea. That's what you got to stick with, dude. That's fucking delicious. That's a good idea. That's what you got to stick with dude. That's fucking delicious. That's nice. That's nice right there. Delish.

Glosh. There's something very imagine if you had a soft baked pretzel soft baked pretzel with spinach dip in it. Yeah. Like there's something that's very satisfying about like

I'm just picturing a soft baked pretzel with anything other than more pretzel in it. That would be pretty tight. So I'm like ready for that shit. I want it with peanut butter and chocolate. And a pretzel? Like a sweet one? Inside a soft baked pretzel. Yep.

Yep. I'm glad that pretzels are starting to get their shine a little bit, you know? Because you see a lot of pretzel buns. Pretzel buns are everywhere. The Glendale Galleria has like four Wetzel's pretzels in there. Yeah, they fucking do. Pretzel pancakes at the Bongo Room in Chicago. Really?

Whoa. Yeah, that's your pancakes for the table place. How is that? It's incredible because they whip pretzel batter into a pancake batter. That's fucking crazy. And then they put white chocolate and caramel over the top. Oh my God. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. The Bongo Room? Yeah. That feels like it would make your blood just stop. Yeah. Wow. The bongo room. Yeah. It feels like it would make your blood just stop. You don't do a lot after that.

You just slowly leave the bongo room. Really good though. Yeah, I bet. What's your third pick? Spinach dip. I am my third dip. My third dip.

My third dip. I'm going buffalo dip. Buffalo chicken. Are you serious? Yeah. What is it? Buffalo chicken dip. Is this a buffalo dip. Are you serious? Buffalo chicken dip. Is this a whole dip? This guy's doing five dips. The old five dips.

Nobody's pulled this since Snooki Thompson back in 84. The five dip. Buffalo chicken dip. Snooki Thompson? Yeah. You used to run around with Stokely Carmichael? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were a crew.

Snooki Snack Time Thompson? Snooki Snack Time. Yeah. People were always like, snack time. Cool out. Nah, man. Nah. I'm going to heat up these dips.

Buffalo chicken dip, huh? Buffalo chicken dip. After I myself on my sampler platter have actual buffalo chicken. They're different things. They're different. I will say they're different things. Hammy makes, Hammy coming up again, makes a mean buffalo chicken dip. He does.

I love a buffalo chicken dip. I just sat there and ate it with a fork one night. Check this out. I had a couple drinks at Hammy's one night. You stumbled home from somewhere on 28th Street. Zach went ahead and got stoned and was passed out. Hammy was snoring. I was like, Zach likes weed.

No one's going to notice. No one's going to notice if I eat. I think he just got stoned and passed out again. He probably did. Yeah, he's out, dude. You ever do that when you're a little drunk and you're like, no one's going to notice if I have a couple bites. And then it's like three-fourths of it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. When you get to exercise on accident? I do it to my own food yeah you know what i mean i'm like i got like my i got like perfect amount of leftovers for lunch tomorrow yeah then i'm all drunk i'm like you know i only i only want one chicken thigh for lunch what am i talking about it's like i'm not gonna be i'm gonna be i gotta work tomorrow i gotta gotta focus that's gonna slow me down yeah buffalo what this? What goes in it?

It's like shredded chicken. Shredded chicken. You like sour. Buffalo sauce. Sour cream. I've seen it with pimento cheese in it. Oh. Yeah.

I've seen it like. I bet you put like mozzarella though. It's cheddar. I feel like cheddar. Cheddar. I feel like a shredded cheddar on top. Cheddar. Cheddar.

Wow. Yeah. Shredded cheds. Shredded cheds. What are you dipping it in? That's chips all the time. So you have. Tortillo de cheds. Shredded cheds? What are you dipping into that? That's chips all the time. So you have... Tortillo de Dorito.

This is a crowded platter. You're really pulling a fast one on us over here, because now you've got six things in your sampler platter. He's pulling a fat one on us. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot all the vegetables you guys have been dressing. I have a vegetable on mine. Oh, yeah. I guess you kind been dressed. I have a vegetable on mine. Oh, yeah.

I guess you kind of do. I have a vegetable. You got a vegetable the way the Mavericks have a chance of winning the championship this year. A little basketball banter, huh? Yeah. Ooh. What is this? Roundball Rock.

Luca looks amazing. It's fucking ridiculous. I hate you for that. That step back is almost uncoverable. It is crisp. Yeah. Yeah. Got my dips. That's on you, uncoverable. It is crisp. Yeah. Got my dips.

That's on you, Shawnee. All right. Pull your shorts down a little. Don't tell me what to do. Oh, man. You are rocking white lightning. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, thigh spine.

What's that do? Damn. What's that do? Probably makes Laura dry here. Come over here and give me a thigh five. You know what that does? It's produce enough light for ships to not dash on the rocks. That's what that does.

Got them lighthouse thighs. Come have a thigh school reunion over here. My thigh's in your mouth. He's breaking out in thighs. What am I going to pick for my next sour cream and thighs? That's not what I'm picking. I'm picking bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers. Oh.

So it's like bacon-wrapped jalapeno with cream cheese inside or whatever it is. Yeah, those are so good. Are they then fried as well? Oh, yeah. I like them grilled. They'll grill them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just put them in the microwave for about 10. My computer died, so I have fried? I like them grilled. They'll grill them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I do? I just put them in the microwave for about 10. My computer died, so I had to type this on my phone. I wrote down bacon-wrapped jalapeno peppers with a Z. Peppers. Pud-whackers. I'm going to order those from... Bacon-wrapped jalapeno pud-whackers.

Call B-Dubs. Hey, let me get some of them bacon-rizzled fucking jalapeno pudds, bro. I'm about to say some shit. What are you going to say? I feel like the bacon is one step too far for me. Really? I just like a tradition. I had it on my list.

I like a tradition popper. So on my list. But the popper is deep fried. Yeah. Oh, this isn't. But that isn't deep fried. This isn't breaded. Oh, it's not breaded?

Huh. So you can still. Oh, this isn't a jalapeno popper? That's what I was kind of saying. It's a bacon-wrapped jalapeno. Bacon-wrapped jalapeno, but it's stuffed with cream cheese. Okay. Yeah, so that's why I was wondering what constitutes a popper.

I would say what you're thinking of is like grilled. Yeah, probably. I'm going grilled. It's just gross, you fucking dork. Us Irish. Us Irish, we're dirty, dirty people. Yeah, dirty people. They're dirty people, Tommy.

You guys from Providence? They just don't stop having the mafia in Providence. Mafia. As sure as you're born, they will do. For everybody who thought that was Jack Nicholson in the room, it was me. It was John Jordan. Yeah, it wasn't Jack.

Making it grilled does sound a little bit better. Yeah, grilled. I should have said that because that's what I'm thinking about. Yeah, I love smoke. Yeah, they're definitely grilled. And just on my list, I was like, I want something wrapped in bacon because it seems like a good. That seems like the thing you wrap in bacon.

Are you dipping this? No, I don't think you dip them. Keep them straight. Yeah, I don't need dips to have a good time. You know? Straight up. They can hear how I'm staring at you. I feel like they can feel that whole exchange. If you want to know how hard he's staring, go to our Patreon page

and look at the picture up top. What kind of cheese is in the middle? Whenever somebody opens their computer to that page, their computer flies off the table because it's just looking so hard. Poltergeist. Knocks everyone against the wall. What kind of cheese is in it? Just like cream cheese, I think.

Okay, cool. Yeah, just normal straight up cream cheese. And maybe there's some seasoning on them. It's like I'm jacking off a ghost when I did the seasoning. Yeah, but like South Bar. Like what kind of seasoning? You know, probably some Lowry's.

I don't know. Put some of that Mike Lowry. I want to be like Mike. Yeah, I think some Lowry's. That sounds tasty, dude. There it is. Third pick. David, what's your third pick?

Lumpia. What is Lumpia? You ever had Lumpia? I'm not sure. Filipino egg rolls. I smash a hundred of those motherfuckers, man. I do know what you're talking about now. I love them.

I love them. What's different about them? I think the skin that they use is a little different. It's papery. They dip it in this sweet sauce. Oh, man. It's so good. I know what you're talking about.

It's pretty straightforward. You can't eat a hundred of those. They're like the cigarillo in the snack world. Yeah. They're just like this lady. The cigarillo. Because you can eat a hundred of cigarillos. I eat cigarillos.

Ian's making moves out here. Yeah. You got to do a lot to stay awake. I'm going to work a lot. Are they filled with different stuff? It's like minced meat or vegetables and stuff. I've had shrimp in them before. Yeah, yeah.

They feel... They're smaller. They're like smaller than egg rolls. Yeah. And they're like the tighter diameter or whatever. And they're like crispier a little bit, I think. How long are they? Is there a place in town I can get this?

I don't know. Google. Yeah, probably. One question at a fucking time. I never... Listen. Yeah, dude. Chill out.

Don't. Put your pants on. No, you don't tell me what to do. My pants came off a long time ago. You didn't say anything when I took them off. Alan Fiberson over here. It's about 530 over here. Act right or thigh right.

Live free or thigh hard. Straighten up and thigh right. Oh, thigh hard? Thigh hard with a vengeance? Oh, yeah, dude. I always heard boys don't thigh, man. Thigh school time. Yeah, I like lumpia.

I just, I like how immediate the meat is. You know? Yeah. When you bite in, it's just right there. Someone cut that. I like how immediate the meat is. It's an immediate meat. But you know what I'm talking about, right? Oh, yeah.

My mom's friend Geraldine used to make them. Shout out to Geraldine. They were so good. They're so good. Lumpia is just like, pop those motherfuckers like it's fucking Percocet. Yeah. I mean, Percocet. I don't know. I get lumpia Percocet. Like I'm your stepdad in the basement. Lumpia Percocet. Yeah. I mean. Percocet. I don't know.

I get it. Lumpia Percocet. Like I'm your stepdad in the basement. Lumpia Percocet. You know what I mean? Musa B. Lumpia Musa B. Musa B.

Lumpia Musa B. This is a popular rap song, Shane. Mask Off. I don't know. It's not Bright Eyes. Fuck it, Mask Off. I like Bright Eyes. I know you like Bright Eyes.

Percocet. Molly Percocet. It's the first day of my life. But yeah, not much else to say about it That guy's voice is so quivering in that song Oh, Bright Eyes? Shout out to Denver He's from Denver?

He's from Nebraska, but I think he broke out of Denver Yeah, didn't he? Or am I thinking of Pretty Lights? I'm not thinking of Pretty Lights There's nothing wrong with Bright Eyes Bright Thighs It is some Bright Thighs over here It is fucking crazy I'm not thinking of 311s. There's nothing wrong with bright eyes. Oh, yeah, bright eyes. Bright thighs. Bright thighs. Bright thighs. Fuck.

It is bright thighs over here. It is fucking crazy. Dwight D. Thysenhower? Yeah. Look at it, Shane. No, God. I did. Yeah, Pretty Lights is from Colorado.

Okay. I'm going to be uncut at this. Okay. I'm going to be on Conan now. Okay. When Shane was picking out his shirt for Conan, we're all standing like 20 feet away, and Ian was just going like... This is a story that's been told on this podcast before. I don't care.

It makes me laugh every time. Ian's just like, I'm going to be on Conan now. We're just picturing Shane talking. You just stopped talking when you told that story. Oh my God, it was funny. Let me have anything. It's time for my third and fourth picks.

Shane, if it makes you feel any better, nobody listening is going to know what he just said. I've lost the whole thing. I was pretending to be Shane, being very nervous, talking to a store clerk. Be like, hey, I'm going to be on Conan. Are you sure? Are you sure you're going to be on Conan? Are you sure? Are you sure you're going to be on Conan?

Are you going to be on TV? Is it buttons? I want to look at it. Is it buttons? Are you going to be on Conan? See, I like that. Sean couldn't even get through it. Because I could barely walk

when we were doing it. It's like when he saw that erection special. I'll end up playing in any weather. That was the, that's the happiest I've ever seen you. It is so funny.

There's a grown man, a weathered grown man, wearing a shirt that said the erection specialist on it. Where was this at? In Denver. David, for some reason, doesn't think this is funny. Did your flight leave before ours? Oh, I think so. This is a dude who worked at a construction company,

had a bright green shirt on, that said the erection specialist on it. And Sean we're at lunch. Fell out. And Sean and he just kept saying excuse me I'm an erection specialist. And just laughing like he is now. I saw him do laugh like this. We were

in San Diego and we went to the zoo and these two turtles giant tortoises started fucking. Oh Zach made the story, right? Yeah, Zach was too. And Sean, I have a video of it. Sean is laughing so hard he's holding on to Zach's waist.

I was like pinching my dick where I'm just like, stop. There were families around and we could not. You can't be doing that at the zoo. I had to remove myself. That's how they got peewee hermit. I was like, I look like a lunatic right now. So I had to- Yeah, pinching your dick, watching turtles fuck.

I called Laura thinking it would calm me down because she's so goddamn serious. And I answered the phone. I was like, I just saw these turtles. And Ricketts was talking about, Ricketts was there and he was talking about it before. And he goes, it sounds like when an old man is moving something heavy. It just goes, that's what they do. I didn't know that. And then, happenstance,

we see some boning. And like we saw, it took so long for him to walk over there. It took so long for him to walk over to her. Oh, wait, you guys watched the whole courtship? He was coming down the pipe the whole time. Like, he had a crazy look in his eyes. Because we thought the trainer was going to, like, feed him,

because this dude was walking over like, I'm going to get some food. And then he just climbs up on this gal and starts going to town. He was going to get something. He didn't run down and fuck one of the bulls. He walked down and fucked them all. No. What is that from? Colors. I like how you made it fuck one of the bulls. He walked down and fucked them all. No. What is that from? Colors.

I like how you made it fuck one of the bulls. So it's a cow walking down. You gender flipped it. It's progressive and I like it. My man. Let's walk down and fuck all those bulls. We could run to the hotel and fuck one of the bulls or we could walk there and fuck all of them.

All of them. Wendell Carter Jr., Zach Levine. Jimmy Buckets. Is he still a bull? No. Not for a while. Bill Cartwright. We could run to the hotel. Man, you got me. You got me here.

Ryan Arasiadon or however you pronounce his name. I'm laughing like my teeth need to be worked on. You took a little bit. It's time for my third and fourth picks. With my third pick. That's funny. I'm going to take a small amount of baby back ribs. Oh, yeah.

I love it, man. What type? Are we talking like Tony Roba's, or are we talking like Chinese food restaurants? Tony Roma's. Tony Roma's. I do like Chinese restaurant ribs a whole lot. Yeah. They're almost like a different thing.

Yeah, it is. No, I want like a slathered in barbecue sauce. Pork rib or beef rib? Four good size regular. Little pork ribs. Yeah. Little pork ribs. I just scrape the meat off with my teeth.

Yeah. Those ribs. Do you feel primal off of my teeth. Those ribs, I can get a rib the cleanest. Because David has beef with how I eat buffalo wings. I leave a lot of shit on there. A rib I can get clean. The whole top. Like the entire broccoli flower.

He just leaves it on there. That is weird. Just meat. It's offensive to chickens. Yeah, it's like, do you even like wings? Use the whole buffalo wing. Yeah, man. Oh, man. Yeah, my people, my ancient people, we use the whole buffalo

wing. Mine too. Out of greed. Everybody knows that about the Jews. We're wing finishing people. We are. If it's not a potato or whiskey, I don't know what to do with it. I bite the bone ends off of the wings. Oh yeah, if you leave me alone with the plate

for a while, some of that marrow's getting sucked in. I suck marrow. Alone is like actually shameful what I will do. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'll pull up my cousin Vinny. I'll have chicken meat in my taco meat. We call that a mixed green salad It's a turf and turf

Baby back ribs man And because it's nearing midnight I'm going to make my fourth pick now I want my baby back Baby back Baby back Baby back Baby back Baby back Baby back Baby baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby,

Nicole! Damn. Baby. Sorry, bro. Damn. Sean may have received correspondence from the shouted name in question. Yeah. Anyway. We don't need to be breaking this fucking name in question. Yeah. Anyway.

We don't need me breaking this fucking table in half. Baby Mac Ribs. Baby Mac Ribs. And then my fourth pick. Is it going to be your lip? Southwestern Egg Rolls. God damn it. I like a Southwestern Egg Roll.

I like a non-traditional. I love a normal Egg Roll. Don't get daddy wrong. Daddy? But I like a fucking southwestern egg roll. I like a little spice to it. I can dip it in the chipotle sauce, but it also has its own sauce. I imagine there's just a bunch of chipotle sauce on this sample.

That's what I want. I want all these going in chipotle sauce. Even those ribs a little bit. There's more chipotle sauce than this sample that's what i want i want all these going in chipotle sauce even those ribs a little bit there's more chipotle sauce than just for the pickle that's one of the things i look forward to when i put cap city is that they have southwest egg rolls who started that is it chili's who started feels like a chili's thing i feel like that's the only place i've ever really seen them yeah yeah that's what i mean i i don't think i've seen them anywhere yeah i like when other people do it man let's get trashy you know what i mean it I don't think I've seen them anywhere. I like when other people do it, man. Let's get trashy. You know what I mean?

It's fucking beautiful. I'm in there like swimwear. The cultural melting pot doesn't just have to be like... Beautiful children. It's a $19 bulgogi salad. It doesn't have to be avocado toast. It can be a fucking Southwest egg roll. The melting pot can be a fucking Southwest egg roll.

I do hate when they take something... I think I've probably bitched about this before, but when you take something trashy and you make it nice. Oh, it's never as good. That's what comedy central did to you. That's why. Yeah.

Yeah. I ripped your goddamn face up. I feel like Shane's holding back and I don't feel like you are aware of that. I feel if anyone's going to feel the wrath of the cranberry, it's going to be a one Zach Toscani. Here's the thing. You say that like it should be him, but it's going to be you. Yeah, I don't know how you would ever say it.

I just pictured so many times coming over to Zach's and Shane just grinding his face into the street. I don't know, man, because Zach doesn't make fun of as much anymore. You still do. Zach's stronger. Shane knows that. He's not stupid. He's strong, though.

I mean, he's stupid, but he has a sort of world-weary intelligence to him. I'm the stupid one here. What do you think Shane got the trainer for? I would love to take a fucking SAT and see which one of us scored the highest on it. I took an SAT. No, with all four of us now.

Oh, I feel like I'd still do better than everyone. I really can't call where I'd be at. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't have a calculator. I feel like we're all playing for silver. I'm incredibly intelligent. I tell you, about a year after high school. I don't know the math skills.

I'm joking about all that. I don't know how I would do it. I've seen you play Jeopardy. I think I would eat one whole ass on the math. I really do. Yeah, math is what I would be the most good at. Story problems are always my thing because as a well-known fact, I do not read. You can't tell one?

I do not read. You can't read books. Reading killed my dad, so I won't do it. Ever since he read Vodka. Are you going to pour yourself another reading, Shane? Yeah, I might pour myself another. I might read myself into an early. God,

I read myself to sleep last night for sure. I'm surprised none of us got caught reading behind the wheel. I did. I was 21. Oh shit. That's why I don't drive. Sometimes I read so much. I wake up to a person.

I don't know. Yeah. That 21 year old DUI. Like I know it sucked for in so many ways for you, but like, you know, that's like the, that's when 21 year old DUI. Like, I know it sucked for, in so many ways for you, but like, you know, that's like the,

that's when you want to get it. Oh, it also led me to starting comedy. Right. Yeah. It was one of the best things that ever happened. It's not only when you're young, don't get a DUI.

Yeah. Don't drink and drive. Fucking don't. Yeah. Your bottom was a step forward to some degree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You just don't want to be like, Hey, I'm 37. I just got a DUI. And I've recently got a DU. You just don't want to be like, hey, I'm 37. I just got a DUI. Well, because nobody, I don't think any 37-year-olds get their first DUI. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That's a move. I had a buddy who got five of them. I got a buddy whose dad is like... Yeah, he said on the last one, he just stuck his hands out the window. My Uncle Pat, I was in South Dakota. My sister was graduating in May,

and my Uncle Pat said he got two in a day. So it was a small town. He got busted driving drunk, and the cop was like, go home. Gave him a DUI, but let him go home. Got one later that night. And my uncle Pat's gnarly, so I believe him. He doesn't have any teeth. Our buddy Andy Quinn got one on his birthday.

On his 16th birthday. Oh, damn. Yeah. Andy Quinn's out there living with him. Right in front of his house. Shane's going gonna go pee don't make fun of you while you're here

fucking prick we're gonna fucking rip your face off drag you through the mud try to get some in the toilet dickweed yeah fucking gross

you're gross prick your rick off wait who's Shane is so funny it's uh yeah Shane is the best it's really nice

having him here yeah honestly when he now that he can't hear this is so fun when he's really nice having him here. Honestly, now that he can't hear, this is so fun. When he was doing Douglas movies, I was just like, man, you're funny. He's so funny. He really is. It's easy to forget because life is so busy.

You don't see him, but you see him like, fuck, I miss you. I like to think he'll hear this when he listens. Even if he doesn't. Shane, love you to pieces. You're the best. I would do anything for you. I was getting real I love you last night. You were. Sean Jordan?

You? Yeah, I'm all hugging him. Dude, I miss you. Were you Papa Molly? He started the first of what I feel is going to be like 10 conversations, and the 10th one is going to be, hey, I live in L.A. now. Nice. Just in time for me to move to Boise, dude.

And I'm going back to Portland. I'm going to hold it down'm gonna hold it down Highland Park Represent 90042 I'm gonna come back And stay on your couch B-double-o-t-y-o-m-i That's it Come on come on

Probably gonna have an air mattress But you can sleep on the couch If you want I'll sleep on an air mattress Seeing I'm scared Who do you think I'm Shane? No I was just saying I wanted to be better for you

Anyway yeah Fuck Shane So You're back from the bathroom David it's time for you. Anyway, yeah. Fuck Shane. You're back from the bathroom. David, it's time for your fourth pick. Okay. My fourth pick is going to be...

Oh, duh. Cheese sticks. Like Mazze sticks? Mazze sticks. Yeah, yeah. I love them. I love bowling alley cheese sticks. I do.

The cheaper, the better. Yeah. Although, there is this place in LA. We went, it was after you had taped the Comedy Central show. When you brought that. Not sure I'm allowed to say the name of. Barron's? I feel a little weird saying it. I didn't say it.

The New Negro Show? New Negro. Okay, we'll trade with the band. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The New Negro. Only Sean can't say it. Yeah. Well, the way he says it. Not with those thighs.

Yeah. Cosabona has, like, a fucking delicious mozzarella stick that's a little upper. It's like what you hate. They took something, you know, cheap and made it fancy. They're never, mozzarella sticks to me, my big thing is, like, they're never, like, full enough of cheese for me. I always, like, end up with a

hollowed one. Oh, I kind of like that. Do you? You know the ones I don't like? Like a bread and condom came off the cheese? Okay, you keep pushing this narrative. They gotta be like five minutes out, is the thing. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? And I don't like, sometimes...

You like them congealed a little? When they start coming back together. Yeah, I just, I also, sometimes I feel like when you get more fancy ones I've experienced, they do less breading. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would be into that, less breading, more cheese. No, I want it.

I'm telling you, these Costa Buena ones are fucking where it's at. Okay, well, we gotta go there. Let's go tomorrow. We'll go, we'll go, we'll go. Huh? Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Yeah.

Not now, but you know. I like them after they get to where when you bite it, it is bitten. It doesn't, the cheese isn't attached when you bite it, it is bitten. The cheese isn't attached when you pull it a foot away. Oh, you don't like the molten cheese? Yeah, I like to be able to bite it and have it be a clean break. I am a fan of that, actually.

Oh, you don't like the... I like the molten cheese. I like pulling it. Yeah, I like a girl from New Jersey and her gum. I just twirl it around. David! I also like dipping it in room temp mozzarella sauce or marinara sauce.

And I usually don't fuck with marinara sauce that heavy. I'm a big pesto sauce on pizza kind of guy. Are you really? Yeah. I'll take pesto sauce, olive oil over that. I didn't know that. Yeah, or white sauce. I don't really love pizza.

Shrouded in mystery, this David Borg. Man, I could, you know, I'm out here. But yeah, mozzarella sticks. Yeah. I like it. Mozzarella. Sean Jordan, your fourth pick. I'm picking breaded mac and cheese bites.

Ooh. I didn't take that, but I had a feeling somebody was going to. Yeah, I've only had them once. And I can't remember where. You're the king of that shit. What? Just picking something you've had once or never. It's amazing. It's so weird because you don't try shit. They're dank.

I mean, I'll tell you that. I think it was the White Owl that I had them, but they were just really cool. They were triangles. They had them at Holman's. Oh, then I bet I've had them a bunch. I bet you've had them several times, actually. I bet I've had them a bunch. I bet you've had them several times, actually. I bet I'm half a cheese bites. I bet they drowned in a sea of whiskey in your tummy.

Boy, I could see us going to Holman's after those shows. I haven't been to Holman's. Is that the spot? Dude, it's a spot. Holman's is where we used to go when we first met. We'd do funny over everything.

And they had a room that nobody was ever in. And it had a huge TV in it. in. And it had huge TV in it. It's where I would go write and drink. Yeah. And I worked there, too. Can I tell you guys a sad, embarrassing story? Please. When I first met Ian, you told me that you did funny over everything.

Yeah. And I pretended I flexed to my friends in San Francisco like I could do it. I was like, yeah, we could do a Portland run. I bet Ian would put me on Funny Over Everything. But I didn't know you that well. It was totally just me trying to brag to my friends. So, you know. But life comes full circle

and now we do this podcast together. So, you know. And Funny Truly is over everything. Fuck you, Andrew Holmgren. I stayed at the house. Oh, Sylvan House? One time Andrew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been there before. I stayed at the... You could have done it. I stayed at the house. Oh, Sylvan House?

One time, Andrew was like, yeah, you can stay with us. And I was like, the legend's about that room upstairs that's nothing but mattresses. Yeah, I lived there for three years. That sounds like where they... What do you think strengthened my resolve?

That shit was like... Dude, it was... There were some days where it was straight up like waking up in jail because you'd wake up and some band was like there were some days where it was straight up like waking up in jail cause you'd wake up in like some band that was crashing there and some other comics so you'd just wake up with like

12 dudes there that you don't know yeah like a Filipino jail where like you'd be bored yeah yeah and where they wear whatever the clothes they want well if they're eating all the lumpia they can get their hands on you know if they sell lumpia or if they give lumpia for jail we're flying we're flying to philippines i'm gonna kill manny pacquiao lock me up forever well that's an assault on a public

figure too yeah yeah i know i think actually if you kill manny pacquiao you become manny pacquiao that's how it works i mean that's how it went after the last Manny Pacquiao. We're on like our ninth Manny Pacquiao right now. Have you guys seen the 24-7 that they're doing right now? Because he's fighting Broner soon. No. I'm going to start. That sounds dope. Adrian Broner's a maniac though, right? Since he. We'll hang out with him after

the dice game. He's going to be at the dice game. People just show up to Manny Pacquiao's house like hundreds of people a day and he just gives them money. Really? They people a day and he just gives them money like they stand in line he just gives them cash wasn't bob marley on the same kind of tip though i don't know people used to like line up and come to his house all day every day and shit and he like played soccer i don't think i don't know if he gave him money it was fucking crazy anyways mac and cheese bites mac and cheese bites yeah got a dip in rancher i'm not interested all right cool yeah i mean cool. Yeah. See, I almost want

ranch is almost You can do that with sriracha too. Well, you could do it with barbecue sauce. You could do it with ketchup which is That's where I want the Tang is what I'm saying.

Yeah, I want like the Chipotle. That's where I want the Chipotle. What about ketchup? You're not in? I know how you feel about ketchup. Yeah, I love ketchup. I could do it with ketchup.

I think that sounds fun. I'd rather it be ranch or a Chipotle or a triple layer of barbecue. Can we all think of names, like TGI Friday's names for our sampler plates? Yeah. Okay, I'll start thinking about that now. Shane, time for your fourth and final picks. As it is, almost midnight.

I'm going to do bacon wrapped shrimp. Oh, shit. Damn, nice. It's like you're a fuck juice, huh? Yeah, I'll say it. Yeah, I'll say it. Yeah, I'll say it. Is it bacon-wrapped shrimp? That's like if you rap the mayor and the president.

You know what I'm talking about? It's a double down. I love both of them. The mayor and the president. You know what I mean? If you rap to the mayor and the president. But you'll eat a bacon ranch. I know what you mean, though.

That's awesome. Oh, of course I will. He's a day walker. I'm a day walker. He's out here. A day walker. I'm a fucking day walker, dude. Speaking of day walkers,

Brian or Stephen Dorff showing back up in the new season of True Detective. Did he really? Yeah. I haven't watched it yet. Stephen Dorff, man. Got a new season of True Detective. Did he really? Yeah. I haven't watched it yet. Stephen Dorff, man. Got a giant blue e-cig shirt on, smoking a blue e-cig.

It's crazy. Yeah. Bacon-wrapped shrimp. And then just for the sake of time, calamari. Oh, gross. I fucking love it any way I get it. I love calamari. Fucking yuck.

Oh, my God. Fucking yuck. I love it. I love itari. I love it fried. I love it grilled. I'll take any of it. I like octopus. I like squid. I love octopus. I was somewhere with somebody

and they had this... You would not think that you would get good calamari in the city of Pittsburgh. You wouldn't. No, you would not. Oh my God, they, it was so fucking good.

And they served it with like a shishito peppers. It's not that far from the ocean though, right? No, it's Western Pennsylvania. Mentally. It feels spiritually. It feels far.

I want to tell you, I think that's Northeastern. That's near town. Strickland town. Williams. I've only heard bad things about Allentown. Yeah, Allentown's rough. I bet it is.

That's a... Danilo Calinari. Calamari. Sean, time for your final pick. I'm picking Ian Carmel's homemade meatballs. Yo, I'll take it, man. Fuck yeah. Put me on the rack.

Have you had them yet? No, no. They are a thing. Nobody cuts for me when I come to town. They've been coming up a lot. I'll cut for you. Why don't you me on the rack. Have you had them yet? No, no. They are a thing. Nobody cuts for me when I come to town. They've been coming up a lot. I'll cook for you. Why don't you come on the Super Bowl or Oscars or something? I'm just kidding.

When are the Oscars? Later. That's your favorite movie. They're in February. When are they? I thought you said, what is it? Anyway, yeah. Ian's Meatballs.

They're going to round it up. Work stuff. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. I'll make the meatballs. I'll make tamales. It's a simple recipe recipe that's from what i hear in just the slow cooker you get some pre-made trader joe's meatballs that's right here you get uh barbecue sauce and grape jelly you mix it all together grape jelly grape jelly that's what don't that

beat all yeah yeah that's what rocks you up don't that just beat off i feel like you're saying that there's a part in the prince of tides where his mom makes this pie that everybody tries to copy in this town. And nobody can ever replicate it. And she always gives them the recipe. I agree. She always gives them the recipe, but she always tells them, like, put nutmeg in it. And she never puts nutmeg in it. So I feel like this is your grape jelly.

So you think it's just barbecue sauce and meatballs? It's just a Sunday morning dad breakfast. Kyle Kinane eating over a sink. David Borey, time for your final pick. I don't like to clean a plate. It's wasteful. I got it in my beard, damn it. I saw him last night.

Go hike. My final pick is I'm taking it all the way over to India, and I'm picking a samosa. Oh, you have empanadas and samosas. Yeah, I wanted to open with the pocket and close with the pocket. That means you're in the pocket. Hey, hey, hey, buddy. David Bowie's in the pocket.

Buddy. Yeah, I like samosas. I like how they have lentils a lot. I do, too. They're great. Yeah, they're just so... And it's like... You get like a protein creamy...

Yeah, yeah. And even without the meat, they're still so good. Like, yeah, I just have always... Samosas are fucking... I saw a samosa get a triple-double at Rucker Park, dude. They're fucking... They're delicious. Which is crazy, because they're usually so... They're fucking nice. They're delicious. Which is crazy

because they're usually so, they're so thick. Yeah, they're thick. He can jump. Zion Williamson. There's an Indian place by Jane and I's apartment. Yeah.

And they deliver late. So like, sometimes I'll get fucking hammered. Yeah. And then I'll like, I'll be like, I'm Bumby Express. And I'll like,

get samosas. But this is what I do. Like, I'll eat like half of it and leave the pocket open. And then I'll put my tikka masala Bombay Express. And I'll get samosas, but this is what I do. I'll eat half of it and leave the pocket open, and then I'll put my chicken tikka masala. Oh, shit. That's a good move. Yeah, I'm just doing an Indian burrito. Do you have an elevator yet?

What? Do you have an elevator now? In my place? Yeah. Different place. No, we're on the first floor. Oh, your first floor? Different place.

Tight. I know it was a different place. Yeah. I was asking if it had an elevator. Oh, when I lived with Yogi? Yeah. Yeah. That was g different place. Yeah. I was asking if it had an elevator. Oh, when I lived with Yogi? Yeah. Yeah. That was gnarly.

It's not that, it shouldn't have been that many. It shouldn't have been so daunting to make. No, it was like, it was five flights. It was gnarly, dude. I hated it. It was five flights and then seven to the top, to the roof. Yeah. It was a lot.

Like people, anybody would be like, I live on, nobody wants to live on the top floor. No. You can't beat that roof. That was the coolest thing. The entire roof. God, it was so fun. I've never been to New York. Really? What? No, I'm kidding. I was like, what? I've never been there for more

than 48 hours. When you come to Cincy, you should fly up because it's such a cheap flight. It is right there. We'll talk about it after this. It actually does sound cool. Samosas, delicious. I love it. Delicious. Or with chickpeas too. Okay. All right. All right. I see you. I'm out here. You see you. I'm out here.

You see me. I'm blind as a bat. You look good, though, huh? Who turns it? It's me. It's time for the final pick of the whole dang draft. The whole dang flipping thing. The whole dang flipping thing. I'm going to take a mini quesadillas.

Yeah. Shit, that's... Man, I fucking love... I might be betraying my people here, but I'm not a big quesadilla guy. I don't think your people invented quesadilla. I think that's an American thing. Yeah, for sure. And also, the second I give a fuck about your opinion...

God, I feel like you were just about to tag a slur on me. It definitely felt like it was going to be blank eater. Here's my impression of Adam Driver in The Clack Hands. No, yeah. Mini quesadillas. How big is a mini quesadilla? Like a coaster? It's just like a thinner sliver.

Maybe a little bigger. It could be a slice. I Like a coaster? It's just like a thinner sliver. Maybe a little bigger. It could be a slice. I don't know if it's just a little slice of one. I don't know. But I want like a few different... This is almost my slider situation. Because I want a chorizo one. I want a carne a fata one.

And then I just want one that's caramelized onions. So you're going to put them all in one? Because they're... These are little... They're just little mini quesadillas. Yeah. They're like folded over ones. I love quesadillas.

You use them in your hands a lot, and it's fun. We're both Italians. These are all finger foods. Yeah. I love quesadillas. Are you going to have all the fish in them? What are you looking at me for, all weird ones? I'm about to hit you in the face.

There's going to be a small ramekin of guac, a small ramekin of sour cream, and a small ramekin of salsa. Ramekin, bamekin, flamekin. Flamekin. Jamekin. Slacking like a bamkin. Ramekin, damekin. Mini. and a small ramekin a salsa ramekin bamekin flamekin jamekin slacking like a bamkin to ramekin damekin mini

shout out to Chris D'Elia god it's the funniest thing don't agree with him on everything but man that's funny that was one of the funniest Chris D'Elia

he does his Eminem rap everybody's watch it but yeah watch it it's hilarious it's really funny can you see it no it's funny

it's funny so yeah there we go that's been the crack of midnight I hope you fucking It's really funny. Can you see it? No. Oh, you gotta see it. It's funny. So yeah. There we go. That's been the crack of midnight. I hope you fucking listeners at home, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you fucking listeners.

I hope you guys appreciate. It's been a, Yeah, what'd you do, like a 20 hour day today or some shit? It's been a long day. Jesus, what time did you wake up today? Six. And it's midnight.

Yeah. And we're not talking about boners, six to midnight. Although that'll happen later too. Rocking on it. Bong, I we're not talking about boners. Six to midnight. Although that'll happen later, too. Rocking on it. Bong. I'm way too tired of Jackoff. Have Shane do it for you.

For the listeners. Shane, you want to sleep over? Get those dick beaters out. Look out, Emma. Emma would understand that. That's just friends. We just love each other so much. That's just butt stuff. And butt stuff other so much. That's just butt stuff.

And butt stuff. Butt stuff? Pud-whackers. Pud-whackers. That's what it is. Pud-whackers. Oh, man. What'd you guys do?

Oh, pud-whackers. To recap, Shane, you went first, and you took Torchy's Tacos Queso, spinach dip, buffalo chicken dip, a bacon-wrapped shrimp, and calamari. Sean, you went second. You took buffalo wings, loaded potato wedges, bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers, breaded mac and cheese bites, and then Ian Carr meatballs.

David, you went third. You took the empanada, spam musubi, lumpia, mozzarella sticks, and samosas. You're all over the globe. Yeah, I'm a trotter. Metal like lemon. I went last, and I took fire on the mountain fried pickles, the slider trio, baby back ribs, a southwestern egg roll, and the mini quesadillas three ways. Fucking delish.

We left a lot of stuff on the board. A ton of stuff on the board. Onion rings. Yeah, I had pizza rolls on there. I wanted to put pizza rolls on there so bad. Pot stickers. Yeah. Chicken fingers.

Ooh, chicken fingers, yeah. Damn, chicken fingers are always on us. Chuggits? Chuggits. Chingers. Oh, I had sweet potato fries on there. Ooh, yeah. I had grilled pineapple on there.

No, you weren't. No. You can't stay here anymore. I like grilled pineapple. I like grilled pineapple. On No You can't stay here anymore I like grilled pineapple It was a weird moment Maybe I'm the bottom of the lunatic I'm sorry I had cannolis

I had manicotti I was thinking about making a sweet sampler platter That would have been crazy Did you guys think of names for your platters? Yeah Three dips on the high seas sampler platter. Oh, that's a good idea. That would have been crazy. Did you guys think of names for your platters? Yeah. Oh, did you? Yeah. Damn, what do you got?

Oh, damn. Three dips on the high seas. Oh, yeah, because it is two seafoods. Damn. That's great. I'm going to think of you three. I'm going to call mine the rum jump sidekick. Danger Dave Slop Trough.

I don't have a lot of skills. If they weren't going to vote for you before. That's a wrap. Danger Dave Slop Truff. Oh, man. God damn. What did you call yours, Sean? Run, jump, sidekick.

Run, jump, sidekick? I was just trying to. Think of something I might see on a menu. He put in motherfucking 15 hours today. So maybe he doesn't have one. You pieces of shit. You motherfuckers. That's a fucking friend right there, man. That's a fucking friend.

It was a long day at work. I had to think of so many different things. Which is a weird thing to say, but that's literally my job. I'm going to call it A Long Day's Journey into Bite. Not to be confused with A Long Day's Journey into Butt.

You know what I'm talking about? Two times. Two times if you know me. Here's the logic behind that. It's a Eugene O'Neill play. A long day's journey into night. And is it about the American South? God, I hope it is.

No, it's in Connecticut. Whatever. I'm fucking... My food all takes place in the South. Fried pickles is Southern. I feel like ribs is kind of Southern. Southwestern egg rolls is Southwestern. Anyway, man.

And what were the other two? Sliders. Sliders. Yeah, it was a pulled pork slider with the impetus behind it. And then my last thing I took. The mini quesadillas? Mini diaz. South-south.

South-south. South-mouth. North-north. South-mouth. South-mouth. Talking out of my South-Mouth. Gross, actually. After we eat this food, we'll be talking out of our South-Mouth.

My South-Mouth is going to sing a song. A streetcar named Delicious. That's it. There we go. Oh, that is good. That's what I was looking for. A streetcar named Delicious. Hell yeah.

There it is. What would you guys think of a dip party where everybody just brought a bunch of different dips? Man, I got a dip. I'll make you. That'll fucking knock your socks off, dude.

Is this Reuben dip? Yeah. Yeah. You make it with pastrami, Swiss cheese. You melt in there. It's so good. And then you dip

rye bread into it. Yeah. It's delicious. I want to make a deviled egg dip. Egg salad, they call that. No. You piece of trash. Isn't that just what you put in a deviled egg dip. Egg salad, they call that. No, you piece of trash. Isn't that just what you put in a deviled egg?

Is it egg salad? You're so damn Midwestern. Isn't the middle all yolk? It makes me sick. The deviled egg part isn't any. There's no white, right? May you be in heaven before the devil knows your egg. heaven before the devil knows your egg.

God, if you just opened a place with a restaurant with just literary references to trash. That might be in Portland already. Oh my God, yeah. Wow, what a delicious episode. Shane, always good to have you, man. Good to see you, boys. Bye, Establishment 1981. Come to the show in Portland. Oh yeah, come to the show in Portland.

Come to Shane's shows, come to our shows. And maybe come to see me and Cincy. Let's see show in Portland. Oh yeah, come to the show in Portland. Come to our shows. And maybe come to see me and Cincy. Let's see if that happens. See me and David lose our money in a dice game. Send us your

fucking sappy peas dude. At all fantasy pod and then also by the way don't stop tagging like Sean David and I in those tweets too.

We like seeing them. So at all fantasy pod send us your emails all fantasy podcast at gmail.com rate and review hacking like Sean David and I in those tweets too. We like seeing them. So add All Fantasy Pod. Send us your emails. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Rate and review. Rate and review, sure. Oh yeah, rate and review. Marissa thanks you. Yeah, subscribe. She does get on us about that. Shout out to Super Producer Marissa. Shout out to Super Producer

Marissa. We miss you so much. We'll be back soon. You're the only reason I wanted to do this week. Know that she's somewhere being dank. You know. She is. Let that warm your heart. She just sent us a real nice email today. Shout out to do this week. Uh, no, that she's somewhere being dank, you know, she is. Let that warm your heart. She just sent us a real nice email today. Shout out to say Sue Carmel, shout out to fucking all that shit.

Oh, people, uh, somebody sent it. I apparently on the Reddit thread, shout out to the AFE subreddit. People were asking what my self care routine is. Oh,

thanks. I will post that on, uh, the, I'll post it on the Patreon. Like just, although, although I don't want to make that a thing where if money's tight. Yeah, yeah. But I don't want

to talk about it now because I'm so tired. But I'll try to get it out there. We'll get it out there. Yeah. Oh, Sean just fucking smoked his foot on the corner of the coffee table. Goddamn. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji Beat. Shout out to Sid the Dude.

Fucking shout out to Blue Whales, dude. They're big, man. Shout out to Gray Whales, dude. Shout out to Whales. I don't know about them. Shout out to Waves. I've seen Waves. I've seen Waves at the poker table.

I mean, we led with Blue Whales. It's hard to come down from that class. Oh, I listened to Bush today, too. I don't want. I bet you did. I did. Shout out to Oasis. Shout out to Liam Gallagher.

Oh, shout out to Noel Gallagher. And Noel Gallagher. And Noel Gallagher. And more important than all of that. And Gallagher. And Gallagher too. Gallagher. Leo Gallagher. And more important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All All fantasy everything. Shaklakity! that was a hate gun podcast