All Fantasy Everything - Sandwiches (w/ Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld)

Episode Date: September 21, 2016

In the second episode, All Fantasy Everything take on, arguably, the most divisive topic of our time. Sandwiches. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians, writers, and incredibly handsome gentlemen, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. pick a topic, we determine a draft order, and then we proceed to put together our teams. Once something has been picked, that's it. It's off the board forever. After five or so rounds of drafting, we let you, the listener, determine who had the best draft. We've been doing that with a Twitter poll. We're probably going to do it again this week. This week is a topic very near and dear to my heart. This week we are drafting sandwiches. And I feel like it's important now at the top to clarify. The definition of sandwich is just bread. And then something fucking up there in between. And then a second piece of bread. And for today's podcast, it's important that that stands as the definition of a sandwich.

We're going to get into it pretty thick. Weapons were drawn. Insults were made. Things were said that can never be taken back, all regarding the fantasy drafting of specific types of sandwiches. Here to explore what might be the most important topics that have been tackled in podcast history, we have Jake and Amir from College Humor, from HeadGum itself, the network that you can hear this very podcast on. I knew I wanted to have them on the podcast. I didn't know what topic I wanted to do. They suggested sandwiches.

Honestly, I thought it was too important to Fantasy Draft, but when the bosses say they want to do something, you don't tell them no. So here today to Fantasy Draft sandwiches with me are Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld. Enjoy. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another All Fantasy Everything podcast. I'm your host, The Handsome. You can't tell because it's a podcast, but trust me, Ian Carmel. And today I am here with HeadGum's own Amir Blumenfeld and Jake Hurwitz.

All right. Say hello, gentlemen. Thank you for having us. It's a pleasure. An honor. I vouch for your handsomeness. I can see you. Thank you very much.

Can I get a second? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, we have a quorum. I'm handsome as fuck. And that's the show. And that's the show. All right. Today, this is, it's tense in here right now.

Yeah, I'm nervous. I'm actually angry. Really? Yeah, yeah. This is how I's tense in here right now. Yeah. I'm nervous. I'm actually angry. Really? Yeah, yeah. This is how I feel before every draft. I like already hate my friends. Right? You hate – I hate myself for the choices I'm going to make.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Right now I feel there's an optimism to me. Cautious? It's definitely cautious optimism. It's almost an optimism egg that I know is going to hatch into a disappointment dragon later. A disappointment dragon? It's a disappointment. It's going to burn the village I grew up in. It's going to be terrible.

Right now, there's nothing but possibility. I feel like I'm paranoid. I feel like everybody here is plotting against me. You guys saw my list and you're going to take all my top picks. I had Julian Assange hack into the computer you were compiling your list on. You didn't need to go that high. My password is so easy.

My phone number. It was your phone number. It was just the word sandwiches in all caps. Do not steal Ian. Right. Please do not steal my password. One, two, three. Today, we are – I mean normally we just draft fun things that we don't really care that much about.

Today, we're drafting sandwiches. Which we care a lot about things that we don't really care that much about. Today, we're drafting sandwiches. Which we care a lot about. Which we care a lot about. It's a big deal. I've made an entire career out of doing stand-up comedy jokes about sandwiches. Oh, really? Yeah, I have probably 45 minutes. I could do just on sandwiches alone.

Is sandwiches your favorite food? Sandwiches is my favorite food. Yeah, it is. If I had to pick, like, a larger, like, kingdom of food. Yeah. You know? A genus, file, species, whatever. The genus is sandwiches.

The species is Italian heroes. Species is Italian heroes. No spoilers, dude. Don't say anything yet. All right, all right. Holy shit, you tipped your hat, brother. We're going to get into it. Jake and Amir run HeadGum Studio.

You know them, of course, from their wonderful work on College Humor. Amir is a Laker fan. That's right. I am a Laker fan. Die hard. Loud and proud. Which is okay. Which is fine. And we're all okay with that. Well, you're a Blazer fan. Everyone smiles upon that with big rosy cheeks. Everybody loves Blazer fans.

Blazers have a lot of rivals, but nobody cares about the Blazers. People care. A lot of people care. Like, as a Laker fan, I don't consider Blazer a rival. Like, we a Laker fan, I don't consider a Blazer a rival. Like, we have Kerry. Oh, you don't? No. We're totally rivals.

Yeah. You think that, but. Well, who is your rival if not the Blazers? The Celtics? The Kings. Well, we don't even consider it. We're the Sonics are our rival, and we're the only NBA team to truly ever defeat our rival.

Because you banished them to Oklahoma. Yeah, we banished them to Oklahoma where the hotel is full of ghosts. So we really won that battle. You went beyond basketball. Absolutely. It got real personal. We actually started going to Starbucks. Everyone in Portland had sworn off Starbucks.

And when the owner who was going to sell them to the Oklahoma City, part of the agreement was we would go to Starbucks. Yeah. So now all those hipsters have to have like a macchiato once a week. It was all part of it. We're getting off track in the biggest way. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to draft sandwiches. Holy shit.

We should get to it. Really? All right. Yeah. The way we're going to determine who goes first, last time I just picked. Okay. And this time we're not doing that. Okay.

Jake and me, you've got to play rock, paper, scissors. Oh, one of us is going first? You're not going first? I'm not going to go first. So how about this? Yeah. gotta play rock, paper, scissors. Oh, one of us is going first? You're not going first? I'm not gonna go first. So, how about this? Yeah. We do rock, paper, scissors first. Loser goes third. Loser goes third. Stakes is high. I love it. Except the third person also

picks fourth. It's a serpentine draft. Oh, it's snake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very nice. Okay, so yeah, it's not bad. It's not so bad. To have two in the top four is pretty solid. That's a great pick of sandwiches. But it's quality over quantity. It depends on what your strategy is. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Best two out of three or just once and done? Once. Once and done. Everything on the line. I have really high hopes that I'm going to win this. I believe in you. Yeah.

I believe in you. I'm in Jake's head already. It's been so long since the Lakers have won something. It'd be nice for them to finally put some numbers on the board. Yeah. All right. First W since 2011. I can almost guarantee Amir is going to win this.

I've never been so certain I'm going to lose. Your pessimism is thick. He knows what I'm going to choose. All right. Ready? Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, my God.

He always does rock. Why do you always go rock because i think one time he's gonna really really fucking really think that i'm not gonna do rock and he's gonna throw scissors and it's gonna be the best day of my life the thing is if i thought that you were gonna throw scissors or if i thought you weren't gonna do rock then i would have done rock and i wouldn't have lost i would have just tied interesting but then all bets are off on the second one. You're like a batter who just keeps hitting pitches off

until he gets the ball he wants. Yeah, exactly, which is fine. Yeah. That was like a sort of a low-stakes Princess Bride situation. It was really fun to watch. I wanted to go third and fourth, actually, so this works. So you threw it is what happened here. So I have the number one pick.

You have the number one sandwich pick. Is there a sandwich that we all think is going to go number one? That's a good question. Yeah, like our order can be completely different. Like who's the Steph Curry of this fantasy draft? Yeah, or who's like, is there like a clear-cut number one

Adrian Peterson of whatever year? I have a clear-cut sandwich on my list. I have a clear-cut sandwich too. If I don't get. And here's the thing. I'm voting with my head and not my heart. So these aren't necessarily my favorite sandwiches, but they're the ones I think are the most popular, and that'll get me the most votes.

Interesting. Interesting theory. All right. Go ahead. With the number one overall pick in the 2016 Fantasy Sandwich Draft, Amir Bluenfeld selects cheeseburger. Ooh, that is a controversial pick. Because it might not be a sandwich? Because it's a controversial sandwich.

It's a controversial sandwich. Cheeseburger? We just can't say for sure whether or not it's a sandwich. This goes back to your kingdom phylum argument. I would say, I mean, it's your show, your rules, obviously. I would say a hamburger is a sandwich listen i'm i'm not gonna i'm not gonna make a hard ruling on it we're gonna let we're

gonna let the people who listen decide whether a hamburger all the only thing i'll submit is a patty melt is more of a sandwich if you're thinking about it it is because it's sort of a bread situation i would never say patty melt that's decisive but the patty melt is just it is just a cheeseburger with bread rather than a bun isn't it it? Right. So why is it so unpopular? That's a great question, actually. Because not everyone makes them. I feel like if McDonald's was saying, oh, and we'll grill the cheeseburger and it'll be like a nice little panini thing, that'll – Yeah.

Patty melts are arguably more delicious than cheeseburgers. I think it's a marketing problem for the patty melt. I really do. You think it's the name. I think Carl's Jr. can revive them. Does Carl's Jr. do a patty melt? I almost feel like they've tried. I feel like I've been to a place like Carl's Jr. and gotten like a whack-ass patty melt.

Like if somebody offered grilled hamburgers, everyone would love that. You call it a patty melt and suddenly it's like, oh, I'm okay. I feel like maybe the TV show Doug killed patty melts for us. Because of patty mayonnaise, we all fell in love. To consume that was such a boldly sexual act at such a young age. That's true. That we're all, I think, scared of it. See, now I'm a little worried that my number two won't be there by the time it gets back

Your number two might not be, because I don't know if either one of us, did you have cheeseburger on your list? I had cheeseburger on my list, but it was pretty low. All right, so it's at least two. I didn't even have cheeseburger on my list. I had it with a huge question mark on it, because I wanted to discuss it if we didn't get to it. Cheeseburger is definitely the first thing on my list that I'm not 100% sure is a sandwich.

Right. But there are a couple of those on my list. For example, my third one is just a chicken burrito. I put lasagna on mine just because it's something firm and then there's a softer meat cheese situation. Number three, I have cereal. How's that? The podcast. What's the best cheeseburger you've ever had in your life?

Gosh, that's a good question. Again, I didn't even grow up eating cheeseburgers. I'm more of a hamburger guy. I don't love cheese, which is, I know, going to hate it. So this is a head-hard thing. This is your head-hard thing. I know cheeseburgers are very popular, so I went for it. I think the best cheeseburger I've had recently is at Plancheck here in L.A.

Oh, yeah. Have you had a Plancheck cheeseburger? That is a good cheeseburger. That's a great cheeseburger. Plancheck did a Hello Kitty themed cheeseburger briefly. What does that entail? The bun had like an image of Hello Kitty on it. And that was it?

And then there were perhaps some Japanese ingredients. A kitty melt? It was a kitty melt. Yeah. Cheese. It was a Hello Kitty melt. For me, for a cheeseburger, it's more contextual than the place making it. Because I don't think there's any cheeseburger better than like when you get like at a barbecue and you've had like two and a half beers.

Oh, yeah. And it's just like you've been like out in the sun. It's that perfect. Your old man pulls it off the grill. Yeah. And he's like, I don't tell you I love you enough, but I do. You know what? He gives it to you.

You like no lettuce, no tomato on it. Yeah. No, I'm a lettuce tomato. Oh, you do get that tomato I want pickles oh pickles yeah yeah yeah I want mayo and like a that's the one situation

where I want a yellow mustard oh yeah interesting if we're gonna get into that I'll put mayo mustard ketchup on a cheeseburger I'm all about this are you a fancy mustard

or a I don't give a fuck I would do yellow mustard I'll do whatever's there though to me on a good old fashioned American cheeseburger it's gotta be a yellow mustard backyard barbecue yellow mustard yeah do yellow mustard. I'll do whatever's there, though. To me, on a good old-fashioned American cheeseburger, it's got to be a yellow mustard situation. Backyard barbecue, yellow mustard, yeah.

Definitely yellow mustard. And ketchup. Interesting. And mayonnaise. Wow, I never go all three. I want it to be a mess. Like, it should ruin. A sloppy festival.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. If it's not ruining your t-shirt, then you didn't have a good cheeseburger. I have so many ruined t-shirts, by the way. In my life, just to go off, I've decided that I'm just going to have stains on my clothes now. Yeah, each one is a happy little memory. It is kind of a happy little memory. You just start drawing with Sharpies.

It is fun. The barbecue that you got at that. This actually tells a little story. It's funny. I see you noticing. But the cheeseburger I got stabbed over was delicious. In-N-Out is also a good cheeseburger. In-N-Out is probably the best.

There's a place in the Pacific Northwest called Burgerville that I would put head-to-head with In-N-Out is also a good cheeseburger. In-N-Out is probably the best. There's a place in the Pacific Northwest called Burgerville that I would put head-to-head with In-N-Out. It's only in Oregon and Washington. I've never been. And they got a Tillamook cheeseburger. Tillamook, they love that shit up there. We love the Tillamook show. We do. We really do. By the way, Tillamook, disgusting city.

The whole thing smells like cows, which is why they make good cheese. But it's like the first city you get to on the Oregon coast, and it's just like swampland and cows and dairy industry. It's kind of disgusting. But it's like a scary gate guarding a beautiful city. Now I'm hungry.

I am starving. This is a dangerous podcast. I just want to know your picks. Okay, let's keep moving. All of them. Let's keep moving. Number one. Amir Blumenfeld with the number one pick of the sandwich draft. I think I know what you're going to say. Maybe I'm just being paranoid because it's my number two. You took a cheeseburger with my first pick of the first round.

I'm taking the Reuben. Wow. Yeah. Bravo. Thank you. Not on my list. That was not your number? That was not where you were going next?

It wasn't on my list either. Fantastic. I mean, it's on my list, but, you know. Explain what's in it. It's the coleslaw corned beef this is a this is a it could be a corned beef or pastrami yeah it's a sauerkraut yeah it's russian dressing that's what i that's that's my that's my no-no you say no on the russian dress russian dressing it's not a reuben without russian yeah no he doesn't like it it's some so it's some sort of hot corned beef sandwich it sounds great. It's a horny melt. And then it's melted Swiss cheese.

Yeah. It goes great with like a jar of pickles next to it. Right. Maybe a Dr. Brown soda. It's sort of like that Jewish deli vibe. For me, it's the king of the Jewish deli. Maybe it's just the – it's the slaw too. I feel like slaw is so overpowering

Like of a taste The sauerkraut on it? Yeah there's just so many overpowering tastes If a place is doing a Reuben really well though It's just enough sauerkraut To kind of cut through So what's the best Reuben you've ever had? It's a place called

I'm going to go back to Portland It's back in Portland on this one The best Jewish delis in Portland, Oregon Can you believe it? And it's called the Goose Hollow Tavern, which is the least Jewish sounding name. But it's the best Reuben I've ever had. The bread is toasted perfectly. It's an interesting place.

It's owned by a guy who used to be the mayor of Portland. He was back when you could be a public drunk. Yeah. And he was kind of a public drunk that everybody – We should have more mayors like that. Right? I think we should go back. We should have we should give the mayor less power and just encourage them more to

be more hammered. I want like a big rotund like rosy cheeked. Yeah. Yeah. Wait didn't he die recently? Did he? The mayor of Toronto. I think he did. I think he's dead yeah not tom ford what's it rob ford rob ford tom ford is the men's clothing yeah rob ford rob ford rob ford

yeah we everyone should be rob ford if he hadn't had the pressure of leading he wouldn't have resorted to smoking crack yeah yeah he was like it was i think that was beyond public drunkenness he was like fucking prostitutes yeah there's too much going on there. I'm okay with my mayor fucking prostitutes, but I want that behind closed doors. Yeah, totally. Decent. No, I'm happy. 1950 style prostitute fucker. Yeah, I think it's cool if you have one scandal.

Maybe you're a drunk. Maybe you fucked a prostitute. Yeah. Maybe you did crack once. But he's like, all three. It's a strike system. Yeah, it's tough to be a mayor when you have all the time. Points taken off.

So the Reuben is the scandalous mayor of sandwiches. It's fantastic. I think it offers everything. It's kind of – it's warm. I like a hot sandwich. Agreed. And you seem to like sour saltiness. I do like sour saltiness.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very sour salty sandwich. It's a super sour salty sandwich. It's a very super sandy salty sandwich. It's the supreme super salty sandy sandwich. Super sandy. It's scrumptious. So, sandy sandwich. It's the supreme super salty, sandy sandwich. Super sandwich. It's scrumptious.

So that is my first pick. Bravo. Of the second round. That's good. Jake, do you want to take us home? Yeah. With the third pick of the first round. Third pick, first round, with my first pick.

Oh, no. You're going to say what I'm going to say. You think so? I just always think people are going to steal my sandwiches. This episode might just be a licker. You're as paranoid as I am. I'm going to draft the breakfast sandwich, bacon, egg, and cheese. Ooh, it's a classic.

Thank you. That is a classic. Thank you very much. That was my number two. That's the number two? Your number two is going to be the bacon, egg, and cheese? Yeah, bacon, egg, and cheese. What's your ideal bacon, egg, what's the bread situation on that thing?

Ooh, that's really, really interesting I want to say I like it on a croissant That's like dream scenario If I've got my druthers I'd have it on a croissant The croissant is perfect It's so flaky

And oily It's already oily It's already oily The croissant's bad enough It doesn't flaky. And oily. It's already oily. It's already oily. The croissant's bad enough it doesn't need the bacon, the egg, and the cheese. But if you're going ham, why not? Yeah. If you're really going for it.

Also, a biscuit. Biscuit's real nice with that. Bagel. You really can't go wrong. Some white toast. Oh, yes. White toast. I used to get it at the pool club snack bar in the morning. What is the pool club? You guys ever go to the pool club? No in the morning. What is the pool club?

You guys ever go to the pool club? No. Like where there's a neighborhood swimming pool? Where me and the fellow boys used to go swimming. After tennis practice? Oh, you guys didn't grow up in Connecticut, huh? No. Where did you go to tennis camp?

Say what? So where did you go to tennis camp? Oh, we had to get bussed. We got to get bussed back east for any sort of camping. There were no breakfast. There was a public pool, but there was no breakfast club at the public pool. Oh, yeah. We had the snack bar.

Just every morning? Yeah. Well, I wish. My parents would get pretty mad if I ran up a really big tab at the snack bar. So it was like once a week. Another great thing about bacon, egg, and cheese is that it never costs more than like $5. Like for whatever reason, breakfast sandwiches are half the price or maybe even a third the price of lunch sandwiches. There was a breakfast sandwich place that used to go in New York before work.

It was like $2.50 for a bacon, egg, and cheese. And then like a turkey panini is like $9. That's completely true. It doesn't make sense. There's something so distasteful about a $12 price tag before noon. You replace the eggs with turkey and all of a sudden it's $9.50. Right. And eggs are probably just as expensive, if not more so, than turkey.

Adding avocado to a regular sandwich sometimes costs more than the entire price of a breakfast sandwich. Can I just add a breakfast sandwich to this BLT? That'll be $3. That is an amazing sandwich. It is a little oily. Sometimes I feel like I need like a culinary sponge that I just sort of dab it off with. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Or a second croissant. Just a second croissant. Just purely an industrial croissant. Oh, man. When you get a nice runny bacon, egg, and cheese. Do you get fried eggs or scrambled? Fried. Like over medium.

Maybe like a little bit runny. So you bite in. Oh, man, you soak up the yolk with the rest of the sandwich. Oh, it's a mess. It is. It's a beautiful mess. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. Eggslut is the place in Los Angeles that you're supposed to go for that kind of sandwich, right?

Eggslut. We have been there. Eggslut is fucking – it's great. The line starts right outside of our office and the place is I think three-quarter miles away. That's insane. Yeah. They're opening one in Glendale. Are they really?

In Glendale, California. Same line. For those of you listening, exactly. They're going to share a line. They just say you can start the line in Glendale, California. Maybe that's what they're building. It's like a new place to share a line. They just say you can start the line in Glendale, California. Maybe that's what they're building. It's like a new place to start the line. They're opening up a new line.

It's in Glendale. Same food truck. They're opening it next to a Shake Shack. It's like a brick and mortar. They're opening it next to a Shake Shack. Shake Shack is also another good cheeseburger. It's a great cheeseburger. It's also another crazy line situation.

And they're both right across the street from Din Tai Fung, which is dim someplace with a crazy line. It's all about the marketing. The whole block is going to sink into the loose California earth. It's destined to happen. Do you have a favorite? Is the swimming club your favorite breakfast sandwich? I'm trying to think of my favorite bacon, egg, and cheese that wasn't prepared by somebody in my family. Yeah.

I feel like when I think about bacon, egg, and cheese, I'm thinking like – You're hungover. Yeah. I'm like hungover. Oh, yeah. And I'm home from school and my mom is like still down to cook for me. You know, when – I love that.

I think there was a time when I was in high school where like my parents thought I was a piece of shit. And I was. And then I left for a while, and every time I come back, even when I'm hungover, when I'm the most worthless, that's when my mom kicks back in and she's like, I get to take care of Jake. What can I make for you? She likes it when you're sick. Yeah, she loves it when I'm sick. Did you become less of a piece of shit, or did they just miss the piece of shit that you were? I think they missed the piece of shit that I was. You were like the Robert Downey Jr. We want you back. Yeah, when I was home, I was a piece of shit or did they just miss the piece of shit that you were? I think they missed the piece of shit that I was.

You were like the Robert Downey Jr. We want you back. Yeah, when I was home, I was a piece of shit all the time. And then I left for a little while. And then the Robert Downey Jr. was like, hey, we miss you. You made your comeback. Are you sure? I'm still a piece of shit.

We love you, you piece of shit. Have an egg sandwich. What is it about sandwiches? And this is just true of every sandwich. If it's made by someone else, it's 100 percent better. That's right. You don't have to clean. You don't have to clean.

But I think it's something more than that. I have never – I think it's an element of surprise. Yeah. Like when you take a bite of a sandwich and you're like, oh, did you put Cholula on this? Yeah. That's really nice. Oh, my god.

You toasted this? I wouldn't think of it. That's really nice. Oh my God. You toasted this? I wouldn't think of it. It's not you wouldn't think of. So it's like, but when you prepare the sandwich yourself, there's no surprise. You're like, I know I put mustard. You know exactly what's going on.

I know I put a little salt. Your brain is almost telling you what it's going to taste like before that first bite. It takes all the joy out of it. Ain't no surprise. Pickle, spear in a sandwich you made for yourself?

Oh man. And like when you love somebody and they do something like that little touch. Just a little touch? Oh man, your heart's bursting. What if they put a like that little touch. Just a little touch. Oh, man. Your heart's bursting. What if they put a toothpick in a sandwich that doesn't even need it but just the effort of it?

Yeah. Is that extra little bit of love? That's what the extra ingredient is. Mom, you beautiful, beautiful, beautiful angel. I love that. I love it. My mom is the same way. She'll set out so – I'm fat already.

I don't need to be force-fed when I get home. And every time I get home, there's like, she hasn't cooked for anyone else, but somehow there's still like a half eaten lasagna in the fridge. It was like made a full lasagna for you knowing you were going to come home. She threw half of it away so there wasn't pressure on me. Yeah. All right. Well, so I mean, that's, that wraps up the first round.

We have gone through. Epic. Epic. Cheeseburger. Amir's first pick. Arguably a sandwich. Yeah. Tonight it's air's Perspective. Arguably a sandwich. Yeah. Tonight, it's a sandwich.

50% sandwich. It's at least 50%. It's at least 51% sandwich. Although, we'll let you, the listener, be the judge. I want to give you a draw because it was on my list, too. Pick number two was the Reuben sandwich. Yours truly, handsome Ian Carmel. King of the Jewish deli.

Both me and the sandwich. And then Jake wrapped it up with The egg cheese and bacon Breakfast sandwich Preferably on croissant We've entered the second round It feels like there's even more pressure on the second round The heat's turning up in here

The steaks are hot Because he's choosing a steak sandwich You have to just because of how good the segue was That's fair Alright first pick of the second round Jake. That's fair. All right. First pick of the second round. Jake, it's on you. There's a lot of value here.

It's a lot of value. Second round, you know you got to go with something dependable. But you can get something more flashy in the second round. I'm going to go a little flashy. All right. A little flashy here. A corndog. Very flashy.

Twizzler. Twizzler I'm going to draft with the second pick Fried chicken biscuit Wow I think you could have waited on that I don't think that's on anybody's list Wow interesting It's one of my favorite sandwiches

Fried chicken biscuit I don't think there's a a set Catholic list of ingredients. There's nothing set in stone. Walk us through your ideal fried chicken biscuit sandwich. I can tell you exactly what it is, exactly where it's from. It is Pies and Thighs in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Okay. It's kind of like a boneless buffalo chicken sandwich and delicious, buttery, flaky biscuit.

And that's it. Oh, two ingredients. Yeah. Biscuit, chicken, nothing else. Simple. And you could have two. That's the best part. That's part of it.

And paper, too. You could eat two. Not like any of the other sandwiches. Where the government has restricted us to one sandwich. Biscuits are smaller. It's like a slider. So your pick is two chicken sandwiches. Two fried chicken sandwiches.

The size comes into play here because you can guiltlessly have two sandwiches. Two half sandwiches. It's like I can have two half cheeseburgers. So you go to White Castle. You get eight of them. I guess if you're thinking about it like that. I'm thinking more just like the presentation. This is the thing you like about it is that it's small and you get the sensation of completing several different sandwiches.

I'm going to say that's two picks. Two sandwiches. You forfeited your next pick. They're the same sandwich. So this is – I mean that's your ideal one, but we also have to fold other fried chicken sandwiches into this. Things with gravy perhaps. No, there's no gravy on it. This is just fried chicken on a biscuit.

Do you think – so if you had a gravy to it, that would be a separate pick. Can you – but can you draft one and say, oh, it's a fried chicken biscuit with cheese on it? No, I mean I wouldn't go that far. No, I don't think any of us would do that. We're all gentlemen. I wouldn't do that even if you did draft that. I'm thinking like southern fried chicken sandwich with a nice country biscuit.

It's so bold of you to go to, because I think of that as a breakfast sandwich. Even if both of those sandwiches you could eat any time of day. Interesting. Fried chicken and biscuits seems breakfast-y to me. To me, that's lunch. It's a biscuit.

That's a lunch? You're doing biscuits at lunch? Biscuits at lunch. Well, I've done them at dinner with a side of mac and cheese. You that's lunch. It's a biscuit. That's a lunch? You're doing biscuits at lunch? Biscuits at lunch. Well, I've done them at dinner with a side of mac and cheese. You better believe it. Oh, my gosh. All right.

Well, it's a bold pick so far. In my opinion, you've gone with two breakfast sandwiches. We'll see how other people feel about that. Yeah, let's see how the rest checks out. People do love breakfast sandwiches. Breakfast for dinner? Game over.

Three thumbs up in this room? Three thumbs up in this room three thumbs up in this room all right we're not talking about what's for dinner right now we're talking about our favorite sandwiches so with my second pick uh first pick of the second round i am going to go with bagel lox cream cheese wow all right very jewish staying very jewish once again i didn't even mean for it to be that Jewish. Are you Jewish? I am Jewish.

Okay, yeah, so it permeates. That'd be crazy if I wasn't. Bagel, lox, cheese, a Reuben. Bubble, a lox. No, it couldn't be. Isn't kosher you're not supposed to have meat and cheese? Yeah, but the fish is fine for whatever reason. I mean, it's not a religious sandwich.

It's like a culturally Jewish sandwich. Yeah, same with Reuben. So is it kosher? I don't know. Reuben's definitely not kosher. It's like a culturally Jewish sandwich. Yeah. Same with Reuben. So is it kosher? I don't know. Reuben's definitely not kosher. Reuben is super not kosher. No, I don't think a bagel lox and cheese would be kosher. I don't know if we've drafted even one kosher sandwich during this thing.

Chicken biscuit. Oh, yours is actually chicken biscuit. Oh, yeah. So you've got the Orthodox Jew. Oh, shit. That should be the real Jewish sandwich. I mean, this is just a classic combination. Yeah.

I love, I don't, as long as it's not a classic combination yeah I love I don't as long as it's not a sweet bagel I frankly don't care what bagel it is fuck sweet bagels by the way sweet bagels like onion and sweet pickles onion is okay

but like you can get like a blueberry that's a muffin cinnamon raisin I like a cinnamon raisin bagel toasted with cream cheese it sort of confuses your tongue a little bit I don't like it

I can dig it the it's odd about the odd thing about me is that I don't like it. I can dig it. It's odd about, the odd thing about me is that I don't like cream cheese. As a Jew, that's sort of sacrilegious.

Do you like lox? I don't like cream cheese and I don't really love lox either. You look like a bagel cream cheese and lox sandwich. You're a salesman. You look like he held you upside down

and shook you like one would fall out of your pocket. Sand would come out of my belt. My Nova. I think I was so picky of an eater as a kid that i never got into cream cheese and then locks i just i know a lot of i know a lot of people where they don't have problems with any food except for stuff like cream cheese it's very it's uh overpowering they give you a lot when you order it is it a texture thing for

you no i think it's like the the sourness it. It tastes like expired milk to me. Yeah. Is that what cheese is? Yeah. That's what I don't like. Are you okay with other cheeses? I don't love cheese, but I like it as an accent. Okay.

So like, same thing with me and chocolate. I'm not going to eat a chocolate bar, but I like enjoy like a Kit Kat. Right. As long as there's some flaky nougat in there, you're okay with it.

Yeah, you got to undercut it with other stuff. I can't have pure cheese. I can't have pure chocolate. All right. You consider them seasoning more than anything. Exactly.

Like ketchup. Yeah. Great. So a chocolate is like ketchup to you. Exactly. I think that makes sense. Okay. I did see you eat a hot dog

covered in melted Hershey's chocolate. Right. Yeah. The metaphor goes very deep. Can I make a confession right now regarding bagels? Yeah. I don't,

I've had them where like you're simple, where people are you have to go here like New York and in Montreal and all that stuff. Right. And they're all pretty much the same to me. Yeah. It's tough. I think it's more of an East Coast thing to have the love for a New York bagel or a Brooklyn bagel. Oh, it's the water. Oh, it's the fluffiness.

Because you grew up specifically eating that kind of bagel. But I'm a West Coaster, so I've never experienced this. I don't even know where – I think it's – to me, it's not even about. Because you grew up specifically eating that kind of bagel. But I'm a West Coaster so I'd never experienced this anywhere. I think it's, to me it's not even about the way they taste it's just like in New York

their bagels are everywhere and here I don't really feel like I go any places where I see them. Right. They're just harder to come by. Or you'll get them

at like Starbucks and that is like a bad bagel. Yeah. Unless they end up sponsoring us somehow and then it's one of the best. Oh, the best bagel.

Of course. I love Starbucks. It's a delicious bagel. Remember when the they end up sponsoring us somehow, and then it's one of the best. Oh, the best bagel. Of course. I love Starbuck's. It's a delicious bagel. Remember when the Sonics left and we all just started going to Starbucks? We were so excited about it. Yeah, dude. If anything, I miss the CDs. Remember when they used to put CDs out?

They should do that again. Let's bring that back, fellas. Where's the Macklemore CD? Yeah. Where's the- Red Onion, too. I'll fuck with some red onion I like the capers

I want the whole full Jewish armada nothing is better than when you're eating one of those at a Jewish funeral just after you know celebrating the life of a loved one getting shiva we need the life a funeral is celebrating the life of a loved one

a funeral is a celebration of life have you been to a celebration of life. Have you been to a bunch of Jewish funerals? Oh, I can't get enough. You're on Craigslist looking up Jewish funerals because people post those on Craigslist. Super Jewish people need folks to come and sit shiva. They do need. I'll volunteer. I'll say a morning kaddish or whatever.

You'll just go do a shit for some kugel and like an egg bagel. Yeah, a morning kad. Yeah. Morning sandwich. All right. But we're fucking flying here. I have picked bagel, lox and cream cheese as my second sandwich. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go Jew as well. I love this. I'm going straight pastrami. Just straight up pastrami. You know, like the Jewish deli rye, for whatever reason, six inches of pastrami and then another piece of bread. It's way too much pastrami. Way too much pastrami.

And not enough bread. Not enough bread. It's a sandwich that seems like almost a direct commentary on the conditions of the Holocaust. The rations of it all. There's just so much of it. But it's like good pastrami is so like uh fatty and they slice it and just taste like there's nothing better than the best pastrami actually it was just at smorgasburg the other day and they had a pastrami i wish i remember the name of it

they gave it like a cutesy kind of name yeah like pig thumb or something like pig drum or something like that they were like cutting it fresh right in front of you, piling it high. It's great. That's amazing. And stuff like pastrami, it's just been pickled, right? Yeah. That's basically what it is. They keep it in brine for a long time?

For a year. It's helpful not to think about that shit before you eat this. It's so salty. Because it's so good. It is so salty. But it's like, I guess the Lord just meat fell into a pickle barrel at one point. And they were like fishing around and they pulled some of it out. They're like, holy shit.

I guess we. It had been a year. Roll it in the crispiest salt peppers we have. Yeah. And then feed it to the idiot. Yeah. And then they fed it to the village idiot. And he loved it.

It was just pink all the way through. Yeah. God, it's good. I love, I love a good pastrami sandwich. Good pastrami really is good. My plan was to go breakfast sandwich pastrami, but he stole my breakfast sandwich. Sorry about that. Langer's right here.

Have you been to Langer's? Langer's is a fantastic pastrami sandwich. Yeah, with a side of matzo ball soup. Obviously, soup, we're not talking about soup yet, but if you ever have a soup episode. If we're having a draft for the soup, I'm going to go lentil. Supplemental draft. You got to go matzo ball.lemental draft. Butternut squash. Quick sub soup draft.

Wow. Okay. I'll go matzo ball. One round. Matzo ball? Matzo ball. All right. If I got to go – I'm going to go with a – oh, fuck, fuck.

You can't out-jew me. That's the problem. I can't out-jew you. I got to find a different – I'm going to go with a – do you want to go first? French onion. Fuck. That's also a good one. God, those two soups are so much better than whatever I'm going to pick. I kind of like a spicy lentil.

Spicy lentil. Spicy like a whip. Even though that's a good soup, it just sounded sad. It sucks. It's also because it was your idea. I know, I know. God, French onion and matzo ball. They just sound like zesty.

There's so much else going on in those. One of them's got a dumpling, the other you got the fun cheese melted on top of it. I don't even fucking touch the soup. I came through with my fucking hospital food soup. Spicy lentil. Which I don't think is a real soup. Spicy lentil? I think you just said spicy in front of a normal soup.

I just like it hot. That's a spicy matzo ball. God, I'm ashamed of myself. Because a lentil, if you don't give me a piece of crusty bread with it, I don't even want it. Let's get back to the sandwiches. I'm ready. Wait, that was the end of the second round, right? That was the end of the second.

So wait, it goes – then you go? Yeah, yeah. Fuck. So for the first pick of the third round, I'm going – I think this is our first turkey sandwich, the Thanksgiving leftover – Thanksgiving dinner leftover sandwich. See, this is interesting. Not interesting. Me neither. Not even for a second.

The turkey, the cranberry sauce. We know what's in it. It's our first stuffing. Stuffing. I think it provides something that other sandwiches never do. You can't really get a cranberry sauce on nearly any other sandwich that's i could put gum on a sandwich and that's a unique experience thank you that doesn't exist we're all thinking not yet a head gum sandwich

uh yeah the cranberry throws me off the double bread of it all if you put stuffing which has bread in it onto a sandwich with bread, what is this? I'm not mad at extra bread. I mean, I guess it's like... It's a gluttonous sandwich. And if you add, like, the turkey juice to it... But it's also, like,

it's inherently made of leftovers. So it's like day-old turkey. Yeah. Day-old everything. That's part of its charm. That's part of its appeal. You like it that it's kind of like a rough-and-tumble

sandwich off the streets a little bit. It's a rough-and-tumble and I do like the sweetness of it all. So it's almost like a dessert sandwich. If I ever see that as a – because it's usually never on the menu. It's a special. If I ever see that as the special somewhere, I'm upset.

Yeah. I know it's depriving me of that. Congratulations. You ruined a turkey sandwich. No, no, no. You put cranberry sauce on it. What was the – you like the cranberry sauce. I like the cranberry sauce.

You like a little bit of sweet raspberry. I like a jam. I like sweet meat. Marmalade. I won't have it. No. The chutney. Can of sweet raspberry. I like any sweet meat. Marmalade. I won't have it. No. The chutney. Can't get enough chutney. Fuck that. Doesn't belong in a sandwich. I'll tell you this. Ketchup is sweet. People don't consider it sweet. Relish is

sweet. You like the sweet. You just don't quite know it yet. It's because we've grown up conditioned to ketchup. Yeah. So why don't you take one like 10 degree pivot off ketchup is cranberry sauce. That I can't do because that pivot's off a cliff for me. It's already – it's on such a tight rope, the ketchup.

If you called ketchup, like, sweet tomato chutney, you wouldn't like it. It's not even, like – I would rather have, like, a Christmas dinner sandwich. Which is what? Based on ham, I guess. Oh, yeah. And then what? I don't know. Scallops for me. Scallop potatoes. A fucking sock or Based on ham, I guess. Oh, yeah. And then what? I don't know. Scallop tree.

Scallop potatoes. A fucking sock or some shit. Like a ham. You can't say bagel, lox, and cheese is your second pick and then do Christmas sandwich as your third. I absolutely can't. It's a dynamic roster. I mean, I'm not picking a Christmas themed sandwich.

Oh, yeah. It is. Are you? Is it time for? Yeah. Yeah. So just to recap my top three so far. Yeah. cheeseburger, pastrami, Thanksgiving dinner, leftover. I mean they are three classics.

Three classics. One of them might not be a sandwich. One of them is trash. But they're classics. Hey, the people will have their voices heard. We'll see. I can't wait to hear what people have to say about the Thanksgiving sandwich because I've kept my opinions to myself so as not to isolate myself from civilization. Yeah.

But I'm glad that two-on-one here, that Thanksgiving sandwich is trash. Yeah, I won't have it. I think if there were two other people in here, it would have been three-on-two. I would have felt like part of the silent majority. Frank, give me a Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, I'll do the cranberry sauce on the side.

I guess. Loose cranberry sauce? Or do you like that canned kind where you can almost slice it and arrange it? No, I need a jelly. I need a saucy McSaucer's. Well, no one can tell you you're not classy at least. I mean, that's the classier cranberry sauce. You are a gentleman through and through.

Till the bitter end, after all. All right. Let's have a look. It's my pick, right? Yeah. I know my sandwich is gone right here. My first pick. I don't know.

It's three fried chicken sandwiches. My pick is a Purim-themed sandwich? It's fucking a hosnay haman, a hamantashen. It's a hamantashen? A sandwich tashen. It's a savory hamantashen. Poppy seed. I'm going with the classic roast beef sandwich.

I'm going with the classic roast beef sandwich. Roast beef, Swiss cheese, maybe a little horseradish sprinkled in there. I like horseradish on a sandwich. Got to be some horseradish in the mix. I know I talk shit about overpowering flavors, but if you have one, a little bit of horseradish. It's a creamy horseradish. It's a creamy horseradish. It's not that Passover, let's remember how awful things were kind of horseradish. This is like a decent working man's horseradish. It's not that Passover, let's remember how awful things were kind of horseradish. This is like a decent working man's horseradish.

Maybe a beaver brand, if I've got to get real specific. Again, made in Oregon. And a horse, beaver Tillamook. It's just perfect. I mean, it's great. You can't beat it. If you're going somewhere, you make one of those, put it in a plastic bag. Maybe you're fishing.

Maybe you're on a camping trip. To the work site. To the work site. You're bringing roast beef on a camping trip to the work site to the work site you're bringing roast beef on a camping trip absolutely yeah I've done it before

you're goddamn right 100% that's a huge part of my identity I'm going to roast beef on a camping trip by the way I forgot a sweater

and a tent just the guy with the roast beef it's never a matter of that myself and beef you show up with 15 to 20 roast beef sandwiches and you barter all of a sudden you got a lot of friends.

You're sleeping in an RV for the night. You're packing light. You might end up in a hotel. You're staying at somebody's house. They're like, take my house. Staying at the goddamn Ritz-Carlton. I married his daughter, his beautiful daughter. We started a family.

He was old. He passed away. So now I have a house because I've decided to bring a roast beef sandwich camera. Really cool. It's tough because you only have so many sandwich opportunities in a week. Let's say seven at most. Yeah. And roast beef is like my fourth favorite meat.

So I'll never get it. I'll always get something else. So when you say roast beef, it sounds foreign, alien, and not exciting to me. I'm not the kind of person who's going to sit there and eat a pile of wet roast beef. I just want to say that on record right now. It's not – And I resent the implications. It's the elegant dance it does with the other ingredients.

You're talking about cold roast beef though. I'm talking about cold roast beef sandwich. Pink on the inside, brown on the out. Yeah, ice cream paint job. I'm talking about like a cold roast beef. Yeah. Yeah. Can't get into it, but that's just me.

Here's my one problem. We're finally nitpicking each other's picks. It needs to get here because we need to be honest. In the audience during the draft, they start booing and cheering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Poor thing, Gus. In the New York Jets jersey. Oh, yeah.

Fuck it. Here's the weird thing about a roast beef sandwich is sometimes it gets that iridescent color on it. Have you noticed that on roast beef before? What do you mean? Where it's like rainbow-y? There's like a rainbow- sandwich is sometimes it gets that iridescent color on it. Have you noticed that on roast beef before? What do you mean? Like the bread turns pink? Where it's like rainbowy. There's like a rainbowy section to it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the sheen. There's a teal sheen. The inside of an abalone shell. Why is that? That I don't get and now I kind of regret taking the roast beef sandwich.

I didn't think about that until just now. Imagine a sandwich that's just all that sheen and nothing else. Just that color. It looks like... A sheen on white? Yeah. Like a jellyfish? Looks like a car

Scott Storch would have owned in like 2005. Color's all wrong. I still like it in the sandwich. It's just now, I guess, when you think of it, you go to like the Dell and you get even the boar's head. It's a nice road trip sandwich. But it is a good road trip sandwich. It's in a tin lunchbox. Love it. That's why I bring it sandwich. But it is a good road trip sandwich. It's in a tin lunchbox. Love it.

That's why I bring it camping is you can actually use that sheen if you get lost to reflect light into a rescue plane. Right. You can. Or you can even light a fire with it if you catch the light just right. Absolutely. We should have brought these sandwiches and tasted that. It's a survivalist sandwich.

Oh, shut up. That would have taken so much coordination. But if every single time I could put a sandwich on the table and we get to take a bite of it, shit. That's for the TV version of this podcast. That's the TV. I love sandwiches so much that I would just agree that that was the best sandwich every time we took a bite. That's true. I could probably be talking to the Thanksgiving sandwich under such circumstances.

I think so. You can convince me to take a bite of it. That's my roast beef sandwich. My third pick. I already don't even know if you can convince me to take a bite of it. That's my roast beef sandwich. My third pick. I already don't love it. But maybe you listening at home can get over that weird pinkish turquoise cheese. So far, Jake has breakfast sandwich and two pieces of fried chicken. Yeah.

And four pieces of bread. Am I up? This is round... Last pick of the third round. Last pick of the third round. Last pick of the third round. It feels nice to get to go twice. Yeah, the snake. The last pick, the third round.

I'm drafting the Philadelphia cheesesteak. Oh, my God. Should have gone higher. Yeah, I'm surprised it didn't. I thought I was going to lose. I was kicking myself a little bit. It probably should have gone higher. Because it's'm surprised it didn't. I really think – I thought I was going to lose it. I was kicking myself a little bit. It probably should have gone higher. Because it's kind of like a cheeseburger but more –

It's universally regarded as a sandwich. It's also iconic of one of our nation's finest cities. Oh, you're saying specifically the Philly cheesesteak. Well, I mean a Philly cheesesteak is – I think it's left Philly. Any cheesesteak is clearly a Philly cheesesteak. No other sandwich is so evocative of a place that throws batteries as Santa Claus. That's true. Maybe the Philadelphia cream cheese bagel.

The Philadelphia cream cheese bagel. It's a distant second. But even that, it seems like more of a cheesesteak thing to throw batteries as Santa Claus. You know the funny thing, too? Of Philly's two iconic cheesesteak places pats and genos they're both pretty awful and like everywhere in philadelphia has made a better cheese yeah like that one on jim's i think it was jim's yeah that was like super finely chopped uh onions and it's really finely chopped steak too so you're not like yanking a full piece of steak oh yeah like

pulling out where you remember that it's a cow halfway through the bite yeah I don't want to be reminded of mortality when I'm eating the cheesesteak fully through the chew you're aware are you he's describing roast beef by the way

are you wit fuck man god I keep shooting myself in the foot are you wiz I just mean while it's hot it's the hot part I'm a wiz guy

I go full like when I went there wit wiz yeah dude Pats and Genos are like right across the street from each other, right? Yeah, you could go to each one. In like South Philly or where – is it in South Philadelphia? I don't know if it's in South – maybe it is.

I don't know Philadelphia. If you would have asked 100 people where you're from, either Portland or Philly, I'd say 99% would say Philadelphia. I would say 100%. Unless one of those people happen to know me. You're not from Portland. Even people that know you still might say Philly. It does seem like an elaborate lie I've been constructing my entire life. Where I got into comedy, we're like, nah, I'm from Portland.

You could definitely do a set in Philadelphia and be like, all right, hometown show. They love me in Philadelphia. I'm sure. Almost more than they do in Portland. They really do. They're asking me detailed questions about Fishtown and other such neighborhoods. It doesn't surprise me. Fishtown is one of the

neighborhoods in Philadelphia, right? Sounds about right. Fishtown. That's where you want to go. Yeah. Sorry. Continue.

No. I was just going to talk about Pat's and Gino's more. Do they hate each other? What's the... I think more than anything they hate their customers. You know,

there's all those rules about how you order. How you order, you have to say it exactly like this. You can't like there's like all those rules about like how you order, like how you order. You have to say it exactly like this. You know, you can't do this. That's so much fucking pressure. I was in, the last time I was in Philadelphia,

I was there with Kyle Kinane and we were taking a hammered Uber ride to Pat's and Gino's and we drove past a business that was just called Jeff Cold Beers. And I don't know if the guy who ran its name was Jeff and all he sold was cold beers. Right.

Or if his nickname was Jeff Cold Beers. That's an amazing last name. It's almost like Vikings, like Eric's son. Yeah. This is like a newer version of that. Or you get like Taylor, a farmer, where your last name is just what you do. Yeah. I like the newer version.

That was updated in the 50s or something. It used to be beers. Every 250 years, there should be a re-up opportunity on last names. That'd be cool. If you want to keep

your last name, you know you keep it, but if you want to have it reflect like what you do. Might be Jake many matches. Oh, that's really cool. Sort of like everybody thinks I'm a little bit

of an online dating pimp. I would be a mere fruit punch. Just because you love fruit punch so much. Yeah. Actually, it's because you socked a watermelon. I think you have back-to-back picks. I do.

Alright. So I'm going to take the first pick of the fourth round. Now we're getting into the deep thick of it. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I have a very long list of sandwiches. So I'm – There's going to be a lot of broken hearts.

A lot of people without dancing partners today. Yeah. Like there's some sandwiches, the Tom Brady of sandwiches just walking around like, how did I not get picked? Sweating in the weight room. But I'll tell you who that sandwich is not. It is not the lobster roll. Oh, I forgot about the lobster roll. Can't forget about the lobster roll. We're about the lobster roll we're in the we're

in the middle of summer right now actually the tail end the indian indian summer people like lobster rolls that's for sure i'm one of them but that's another east coast thing i think because i never really had lobster rolls growing up in la yeah there's connecticut lobster rolls and there's main lobster rolls what's the difference i'm not sure which one is which actually i should know but one is one is served cold and it's with kind of like with mayo and the I think it's the I think that's the main lobster roll and the Connecticut one

is served hot with on a buttered bun hot buttery yeah which one do you prefer difference man I love them all

I think I prefer the main one because to me summer is so it's like a night it's hot and you want to have that like with a cold beer at the end of the day

yeah it's super hot you just want a big mouthful of mayonnaise. Yeah. Hot mayo. Just a hot mayo blast. I'll squirt a packet. If I'm on a jog Sunday in LA, 110 degrees, just like the Gatorade goo packets.

You're just blasting best foods? Yeah. I'll put some mayo in me. Yeah. Or Hellman's for you. Yeah, just blasted Hellman's packets. Just get it in my system. That's fair.

You got energy. It's carbs. It's just eggs and whatever the fuck else is in mayonnaise. I set that on the packet, too. It was Passover at my aunt's house one year. Very good. Are you going to say the bitter herb sandwich for your fourth pick? No.

Maror underneath two pieces of matzah. Horseradish, apples, matzah. And ten drops of wine. Don't give me anything else. Yeah, you got to be hammered on Manischewitz for it to be any good. It represents bitter tears. Yeah, it represents Jewish slavery.

That's delicious. Wait, real quick, back to the Philly cheesesteak. Eating it drunk is one of life's greatest. That is a treasure. I think that is a true treasure. It's one of the best drunk foods of all time. Just like bacon, egg, and cheese is one of the best hungover foods of all time. Being drunk should qualify as an ingredient in certain foods.

It's really true. Like the best ingredient on all of Taco Bell's vast menu is being drunk. Right. Oh, it's cheese, ground beef. It's wrapped into a soft burrito. Also, you're trash. Yeah. And it tastes like a Dorito.

Did I say how drunk and high you were? And make sure you're trashed. Just like a cooking show for like three minutes. Right. Make sure you're trashed. And Roligasi just like sprinkle a pepper and then five shots of tequila. Just lines them up. Wait, what were you saying about Passover?

Oh, Pat, my aunt walked by with a bowl of mayonnaise. She's like, I made my own mayonnaise. I made homemade mayonnaise. I was like, that's fantastic. She's like, try some. During Passover. During Passover dinner. What are you supposed to put it on?

My mouth. That's what she didn't give me anything to put it on. Scoop it in your finger she just spooned a thick not even like a little bit like a thick scoop of homemade mayonnaise right into my mouth and it tasted like mayonnaise because of course it tasted like mayonnaise well she got it right she did she fucking nailed what mayonnaise it wasn't an aioli it wasn't anything else like that it was just pure fucking straight up mayonnaise good her. Good on her for being able to make it. I must have wronged her at some point.

Yeah. No right thinking person is going to jam a spoonful of mayonnaise into someone they love's mouth. That was a punishment for sure. It was fully a punishment. I wasn't pious enough that year. I was the foolish child. So she fed me mayonnaise. The one who couldn't open his mouth because it was full of mayonnaise.

Right. Because it was holding back mayonnaise gags. But yeah. Phil cheese is delicious when you're drunk. Wait, that's the beginning of the fourth round? The lobster roll was the beginning of the fourth round. So I got my last two picks after you. Absolutely. So be ready. I'm ready. I think I got two good ones. Lobster roll is

fantastic. It's an expensive sandwich. Yeah, it's like $17 minimum. Sometimes $20 fucking $2. I've gotten a $24.95 lobster roll. And I'm not talking – that's 12 breakfast sandwiches. That's 12 breakfast sandwiches. $24.95. I'm talking $2,495.

It's also 2,495 calories. It's just butter drenched in – And the problem is as expensive as they are, you're like always worried that you didn't get enough lobster. Yeah. Like they're handing it to you and that you didn't get enough lobster. Yeah. They're handing it to you and a cloth falls on the ground. You're like, fuck! It's because it's a $6 piece of meat that just fell out of your sandwich. You don't feel that way about Philly cheesesteak.

No, you don't feel like that about the cream cheese in a bagel. That's something you're not scooping up. I wonder how rich you have to be to where you're not concerned about lobster ratio. Oh, man. Where you're like rolling up. Just give me another sandwich worth of lobster. Just bring me another one. Yeah.

That means you have at least $50 to your name. You got to have at least $50. But I think this is like wealth that we're talking about here. Yeah, not rich. Before it's not on your mind. Old money. Yeah, I think this is like old money. Yeah, you have to be really old money because you have to have lived an entire life of too

much lobster. Yeah. You just had it with the lobster.. Yeah. No lobster on the sandwich. You just had it with the lobster. It does seem like the first rich sandwich. It's just fish and butter. Yeah. Look at this bouncy.

Melt the butter. So basic. Conversely, I don't know how I would feel. I would eat that buzzed, but if I were completely hammered, I don't know how much lobster and mayo I'd want. No, I don't think you need seafood. Fish, no. No, right? Yeah. Especially a bottom and mayo I'd want. No, I don't think you need seafood. Fish, no. Especially a bottom feeder like a goddamn lobster. You start thinking about it.

They are the cockroaches at the sea. They are. Which brings me to my pick. The cockroach. Cockroaches and pineapple. That's how it turns out if this thing goes a million rounds. I have another idea for a sandwich. It's a cockroach, a pineapple between two pieces of corn maze.

I already drafted that in the 977,306th round. Fuck me. All right. Do you want to have some grass between two Amy Winehouse CDs? Nobody took that, right? Grass. Just some cut grass. It's a chain CD.

But it's melted into George Foreman. Yeah. It's a melt. A tuft of grass that you pull up from the earth with your left hand. Yeah. It's a left-handed grass pull, by the way. With an earthworm. From Amy Winehouse's grave.

The 452nd round. All right. So this is my fourth pick. We're in the fourth round. All right. So this is my fourth pick. We're in the fourth round. I don't know if I want a core controversy here. Wow. It better not be a fucking taco. I think I might want a core controversy here.

Go for it. I'm going all the way into it. I'm going with a Chicago-style hot dog. Wow. Hot dog. Anybody that balked at the cheeseburger... Cheeseburger is now firmly in sandwich. We actually had this debate

coming over here. We've existed... Is a hot dog a sandwich? It depends on what your definition of a sandwich is. It's a tubular sandwich. It is tubular. It's long. The bread... If all the ingredients of a hot dog... Is it just the shape that makes it a sandwich?

Is it because the bread is connected on the bun? It's in between. No, because that's the same with a lobster roll. The same with a lobster roll. Absolutely. Oh, that's true. Yeah. And the same with a taco.

And yet can we disqualify two things because they're connected at the edge? I mean taco just seems insane to me. Taco – no chance taco gets through. Taco is a hot dog. No, it's not. A taco is closer to a hot dog than a hot dog insane to me. Taco. No chance taco gets through. Taco is a hot dog. No, it's not. A taco is closer to a hot dog than a hot dog is to a cheeseburger. But a taco is not bread. Yes, it is.

It's a tortilla. Is that bread? Yeah. Are we talking a hard or a soft taco here? A soft taco is almost like an open-faced sandwich, which I don't even think of as a sandwich. You already – didn't you have those patty melts or something? No. No.

We talked about them. The bagel, the lox and cheese. The sandwich, though. It's enclosed. In my vision, the second half of the bagel is on top of the first half. In my vision of the sandwich. Chicago style. We'll allow it, but I'll also allow the people listening at home to penalize accordingly.

I'm not going to stand in the way of the pick. You made the pick. We'll let the fans decide if you drafted a sandwich. Also, I don't even think that's a good hot dog. This was strategic. This was a strategic pick because if the hot dog isn't in play, then neither is the cheeseburger. So I just gave up a fourth pick for you to lose your first pick. We haven't done yet.

Nobody better come after Lobster Roll. We might have. You know what we haven't done yet? We haven't done a trade. There haven't been any trades. You can unload those two fried chicken sandwich things. For what though? The breakfast – throw in the breakfast sandwich and I'll give you your pick of cheeseburger, which I know you like.

No chance. There's nothing that I would trade bacon, egg, and cheese for. Right, because that's your number one. Sorry. What is in a Chicago dog? That's the sport peppers. I'm going to give him this as a sandwich just because of how much he likes it.

This is the sandwich that made you smile ear to ear as you're describing it. It's the, what is it, the celery salt? It's like a pickle spear, onions. Is there even a – Mustard, no ketchup. This is not a good sandwich. Hard no ketchup rule.

This is not a good sandwich. I don't think I've ever had it before. Mustard and peppers and pickles and a hot dog. I got to look at a – this is almost a terroir thing. I'm using the word terroir where you have to eat it in Chicago. Yeah. It's so good but even the even the the hot dog itself is not like it's not like a special frank it's just like

a pink regular hot dog i mean if you were now the hot dogs i mean let's just say i took hot dog no i took i'll go stick with chicago would you what's a better hot dog than a chicago style hot dog see i like fancy sausages and stuff. Oh, so you're going like into brat territory and stuff like that. Yeah, or like chicken apple sausage with grilled onions. But you could just eat that rolling around on a plate. So that doesn't count as like a sandwich to me. I mean a lot of people say a hot dog is not a sandwich. Most people aren't saying that.

You look at a menu and it says sandwiches and then it also says different section for hot dogs. It also – I mean on a menu it usually says burgers and sandwiches. It does. Burgers – Oh, yeah. I don't know if you want people looking at too many menus right now. Yeah. What I missed. Poppy seed bun, yellow mustard, white onion, sweet

pickle relish, sport peppers, tomatoes. They can get the fuck out of here. I'm not a tomato man. Kosher dill pickle spear and celery salt. Can I see a photo? Yeah. And it's like two hot dogs, isn't it? Three of them right there. Three pictures. Oh, damn. You know what like two hot dogs, isn't it? Three of them right there. Three pictures. Oh, damn. You know what? Looking at this, it does look a lot more like

a sandwich than a regular hot dog. It's looking like a sandwich. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. Because there's a lot going on between the bun. I'm saying fucking tacos. I don't care. The floodgates are open, dude. So we say tacos. No, no, I'm not gonna say that. Then it's bread made out of corn. I mean, if a taco is a sandwich, then I would say lasagna is also a sandwich.

Because it's a noodle. Now we're really getting into it. If corn tortilla is bread. This is why gays can't get married. This is the slippery slope argument. All of a sudden people are fucking sandwiches. People are fucking McChickens. I'm serious, man.

I really think they can't get married because then at that point hot dogs are sandwiches. How do you explain hot dogs being sandwiches to my kids? What are you going to tell my kid a lasagna is a sandwich? Santorum had a point. He knew it would come to this. All right. I have to – if cheeseburgers are gray area, I really have to draw the line at hot dog. I don't know what else.

Are we calling hot dog the floor or the ceiling then? Oh, it's definitely the floor. Anything past the – I kind of think it's the ceiling. We're not going taco. Your sandwiches are all over the place. You have a baked – lox cheese. You have a hot dog. You have a Reuben.

You have a roast beef. A sandwich for all seasons. Reuben and roast beef are pretty in line. But they're all – it's too much, too all over the place for me. Oh, you want like a consistency. I want a theme. I want all my bait. How's this team going to put this ragtag bunch of sandwiches?

You need role players. I'm bringing in Al Pacino to coach him. He's going to make it all. It's going to be great. Any given ice cream sundae. He's going to give a slow speech with some piano music behind it. We're all going to come together. Can I make my last two picks?

Absolutely. Last two picks. My team will be done after this. Should I say them at the same time or one at a time? Let's do one at a time. This one is sort of most places. It's a take on the BLT. It's the Turkey BLAT.

So it's Turkey, Bacon, Lettuce, Avocado, Tomato, Club. We haven't had a club yet. It's a turkey clubAT So it's turkey, bacon, lettuce, avocado, tomato, club We haven't had a club yet It's a turkey club Turkey club with avocado But it's not a BLT Because you added two ingredients BLATT? Does the turkey club have lettuce and tomato?

Yeah, turkey club has everything that the BLT has Except you want to add avocado I get what you're saying So what's the difference between a turkey BLAT And a turkey club with avocado? Or is that the same sandwich? Well, sometimes a club is cut into fours and it has an extra piece of bread in it. Yeah, that's what I want.

I want the extra bread. Of course you do. You want your Thanksgiving sandwich. I want, okay, can I say turkey club with avocado? Yeah. All right, that's what I want. Because I want, we haven't mentioned a club sandwich yet, which is pretty famous, very popular. It is.

People love their club sandwiches. Great with fries. The perfect lunch sandwich because it's light. You can't have it for breakfast. You can't have it for dinner. It goes well with fries. It goes well with coleslaw. It goes well with chips.

We haven't really had a lot of bacon. It does with like a nice salty lay potato chip. Yeah. That's what I would get at the swim club. It would be a turkey club with avocado. That's what I would get at the swim club. It would be a turkey club with avocado. That was the popular swim club sandwich. It is literally a club sandwich. Oh, man.

Yeah, no, I envy the pick. I envy the pick. I do, too. The fact that it slid to the last round is kind of crazy. I kind of can't believe I picked a roast beef and a hot dog before I went for that. I went for that. For that. Hot dog!

And a sheen beef. It's a shiny beef sandwich. By the way, any of us beating you at a sandwich competition has got to be one of the biggest upsets in food history. I mean, you guys might beat me at the draft, but I think I'm enjoying them more. I think I'm out there. Ultimately, you're the winner. I think I'm almost too deep. I had more fun.

I think I'm too deep in the sandwich game. Right. You know what I mean? You're deep to not be having fun. You're good at sleeper picks. Those are sleep, this is a 9th, 10th,

11th round. Those are your selections. When the season plays out, I think, I think we're all going to be surprised by how well these sandwiches perform with people.

Maybe we're wrong and maybe the people will love them. I think the people are going to, people love a Chicago style hot dog. Especially in Chicago. They're loyal about it. That's what I'm going to tweet to.

You're like, you're thinking of the electoral map. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just trying to win Chicago right now. Yeah, Illinois is a battleground state. I've got Chicago, New York, and wherever they like roast beef sandwiches. Wisconsin. Yeah. So the Target, that is a great sandwich. Yeah, it's a good

sandwich. It's a classic. It's a great lunch sandwich. I do like the cutting into fourths. It makes it seem like there's more of it. Yeah, held together with toothpicks often. There's a lot of nice garnishes there. It is, I will say, a tall sandwich. Yeah. Oftentimes.

Sometimes it's too much bread. I don't think you'd really need three pieces of bread. You can remove the middle piece, obviously. It's a lot of bread. Well, it's actually, it's tough to remove the middle piece because sometimes they dress that piece. And that's not the piece that you'd want because it's got mayonnaise on the top of the piece. It's a load-bearing piece. It's a structural bread a lot of the time. You can't always just remove dress that piece. And that's not the piece that you'd want because it's got mayonnaise on the top of the piece. It's a load-bearing piece. It's a structural bread a lot of the time.

You can't always just remove the middle piece. It's not always that easy. You're already getting a sandwich. You can't start counting your carbs now. You've kind of got to squish it down. None of my sandwiches, you don't run the risk of stabbing yourself with a toothpick. Or your jaw coming unhinged. No, no, no.

I'm not. It's a dangerous sandwich. I'm taking the toothpick out and I'm filling my mouth with it because that's, I think, the point of a sandwich. You've got to stuff your face. One other qualm I have with it. I think that fourths are – it's not a good size for a sandwich because you basically – you bite once and it starts to fall apart. That is an interesting point. You really need a full – you need a half of a sandwich.

Well, it's like a bite and a half. So then you have like – when you were eating like a fourth, you have one satisfying bite. And the other one, it's like – But it's also toast. This is a pick that looks really good and then like immediately they're injured or something. The more we dissect it. Yeah, the club sandwich has injury problems for sure. It is injury. Can it stay healthy?

It's the Arian Foster of sandwiches. You should definitely draft its backup. I got a great backup. All right. Fantastic. And here it comes right now. Last pick. This is the kicker, right?

Yeah. You throw away your last pick on something interesting, something exciting. We're talking about eating sandwiches. It's time for dessert. It's time for the ice cream sandwich. Oh, my God! That's a sandwich. It has the word sandwich in it.

It's sweet, which you know I like. And nothing is more all-American than the vanilla with two chocolate. That hurts. That was my last pick, too. That hurts a lot. Really? Yeah. Was yours going to be a chipwich or an ice cream sandwich?

I have both on my list. See, by your rubric, you could have taken the choco taco, and the ice cream sandwich still could have been on the table. Not touching tacos. Not touching hot dogs. The ice cream sandwich is a truly bold, beautiful, and innovative pick. And it's the last. It's the last pick.

It's dessert. It's poetic. It's poetic. God, that is an amazing sandwich. What's your idea? Is it the way you like sausages? Are you a fancier one, or are you kind of a traditionalist? I can go like, you know those places that have two

cookies and then ice cream in the middle? That's pretty good. But I'm talking about the classic brown white brown. Ice cream man coming down the street playing your song. You run from the sprinkler in the front yard. Your old man's brown, white, brown. Ice cream man coming down the street playing your song. You run from the sprinkler in the front yard. Your old man's yelling, hey, get back here, you little shit. You little Jew asshole. I'm divorcing your mother.

You ran up a $45 tab at the swim club. I'm not paying for these lobster rolls. Your fat ass is also going to have an ice cream. But all you can hear is the sweet sound of the ice cream. And all of a sudden, your neighbor is drunk. He runs the red light. Hops of Curb. Hits a fire hydrant.

Oh my god. He goes through the windshield, lands dead at your feet. The trunk pops open. There's a Filipino guy in there. What the hell was your neighbor up to? Oh my god. He's screaming. He doesn't speak a word of English. But you think he keeps on saying, He's running all over. What the hell was your neighbor up to? Oh, my God. He's screaming. He doesn't speak a word of English. But you think he keeps on saying, there's more of us.

There's more of us. Yeah, yeah. Follow me. Terrifying. All of a sudden, you're running into his house after the guy, and the house is full of Nazi paraphernalia. Oh, yeah. Just floor to ceiling.

Uh-oh, you start to smell smoke. Yeah. The last thing you do, you crawl, army crawl towards the freezer, open the door, and it hits you. Oh, my God. It's a freezer, open the door, and it hits you. Oh, my God. It's a stack of ice cream sandwiches. It's carnation. And frozen limbs.

It's never been more delicious. You remove a torso. You bite into it. Ice cream sandwich is a great pick. You left Chipwich on the table. I did. I'm going for classics. I'm going cheeseburger, club sandwich, ice cream sandwich.

This is America, people. We have to make American sandwiches great again. All right? That's a really solid pick. Let me guess. Your last one is a fucking what? I'm going – Dehydrated seeds on that brown wheat crackers that my mom eats sometimes. Mine is one split unsalted, unroasted cashew with just a drop of Troy between the two of them.

With a peg of a Lego in between. It's a Lego head. Yeah, yeah. With a Lego sword from back in the day. I'm going weird. I mean, at this point. Oh, shit. I just realized we didn't say something.

I won't say anything. We're talking about this after the – there's a lot of sandwiches left on the table right now. Wow. This is – I just – okay. Go. I'm going weird. This is a pick that there's no chance anyone else was going to pick. Got it.

I'm going weird. I'm going with my heart on this one. I'm picking the peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Oh, I was about to say PB&J is the one that we didn't – PB&J is classic. Can I still take that? That's what I was going to take. You can take it. It's a totally different sandwich. No, I feel like the one that we didn't know. PB&J is classic. Can I still take that? That's what I was going to take. You can take it.

It's a totally different sandwich. I feel like the luster's gone from it. It is. I took a little bit of the stuff in there. It's weird. Nobody said PB&J. No. Can we do one waiver wire at the end?

If someone didn't name a sandwich, you can do a little replace? That's a fantastic idea. Because I might jettison the fuck out of this roast beef sandwich. Because I'm feeling a little nauseous about it right now. We should be able to do one waiver wire pick before you drop one of your picks. Yeah, for something that has a great idea. We're definitely doing it. That's a fantastic idea.

We're doing the waiver wire. Chicken sandwich right down the fucking block. That means I can pick it up if it clears waivers. That is if it clears waivers. Absolutely. We were talking shit, so you drop it so I pick it up. That hot dog might be on its way out too. You can't drop two.

Peanut butter and pickle. Crunchy peanut butter on wheat bread with a real sharp dill pickle. It's so good. It sounds crazy. Pickles are in all of your sandwiches. You love pickles. I'm looking at it. Not on the bagel.

All it says is pickle. It's 15 times. It's a huge drawing of a pickle. Yeah, he's on a surfboard, though. He's kind of a fun pickle. He's giving this hang ten sign, but he has only pickles for fingers. One of those Oakleys? Those are Oakleys, the ones with the speakers built in.

Yeah, he's been to Bumps. God, that's a detailed drawing. It's a cool fucking pickle. I had some free time earlier. I love Elvis ate the fuck out of this sandwich, which is a good sign for a sandwich. It seems – if I hadn't eaten it from an early age, I don't think I ever would have. It's a sentimental thing. You can subvert peanut butter jelly sandwiches in a lot of – like peanut butter jelly or peanut butter banana with bacon on it.

You ever had that? It's really good. Peanut butter as a genre. Peanut butter as a genre peanut butter as a i love peanut butter is a versatile by the way peanut butter is another sweet thing you talk about not like sweet sandwiches it is sweet but it's a different it's almost a different kind of sweet yeah because you grew up eating it's more of a muted sauce god forbid i mean there's not meaty don't think i'm gonna have a Thanksgiving dinner sandwich on my final roster. Peanut butter is not as sweet as cranberry sauce.

Nor is sour. It's more salty. It's a salty treat. There's some savory to it. Umami. I don't even know if that's true. You guys are umami-tickling. Mossy notes on the back end.

It's definitely mossy. You can taste the earth. Your sandwiches are so eclectic. They're so good. Peanut butter pickle, Chicago hot dogs, a bagel with cheese. The pitchfork vote on mine. Whoever lines up with yours, though, is going to like you. Soulmate.

You're extreme, but you're going to. Soulmate. Yeah. They're unwavering. Anyone who votes for mine, I want at me if you voted for mine, because I think we should be friends. I'm so curious to see what it is. Get season tickets to something together. So that's

my last pick, the peanut butter and pickle sandwich. There's still one waiver wire decision to be made. We got the waiver wire, but as far as the official draft, Jake, you have the final pick of the sandwich draft. You know what? I was hoping for PB&J. I was hoping for ice cream sandwich, but

that's what happens when you wait. I'm actually going to go with one of my original. This almost went number one for me. Wow. And I got scared. I got spooked, but I'm going to own it now. I'm going to draft a little slice of Americana. Ooh, grilled cheese. Grilled cheese sandwich.

I'm surprised it didn't go higher. I don't love it. You don't love it? All the rest of America does, brother. All of our sandwiches are grilled cheese with other stuff. That is kind of a good point. I mean, a Reuben is like a grilled cheese sandwich. With extra goodness. They just fucked it up with a little meat in there, too.

A cheeseburger. You could put a bacon or tomato in a grilled cheese. So is that what you're saying? Yeah. Grilled cheese with tomato? Is that your final sandwich? No one else has another draft. I'm drafting grilled cheese.

You're drafting a whole genre. I'm drafting diner grilled cheese, which you can vary. On the fucking menu, it says you can add bacon. It says you can add tomato. Is that what you're adding? I'm not adding it. I'm saying it's an option. What are you ordering?

I'm saying submarine sandwich. You can put whatever you want. Then I would have taken like a cold cheese sandwich. And then like, oh, by the way, that's also a spicy. Not customized. You're customizing a specific sandwich. What do you want in your sandwich? Then I would have taken a cold cheese sandwich and then like, oh, by the way, that's also a spicy galiana roast beef. You're customizing a specific sandwich. What do you want in your sandwich? So wait, tell me, when you draft a turkey fucking –

Turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, avocado. That's what's in my sandwich. What's in your sandwich? And you can't get mayonnaise on it? That's right. No mayonnaise. No mayonnaise? That's right.

You're going to limit yourself that much? That's right. What's in your grilled cheese? I'm not playing by your fucking rules. Let's hear it. He is the's right. What's in your grilled cheese? I'm not playing by your fucking rules. Let's hear it. Ian's the host. What's everything in this grilled cheese? You're making me choose a cheese even?

No. Because you can have a cheddar cheese grilled cheese. You can have an American cheese grilled cheese. You're saying there's – You have different kinds of bread on the grilled cheese. So far you just said a genre of food. No, sandwich is a genre of food. Grilled cheese is a specific kind of sandwich.

And then what's in – There's different ways to prepare a grilled cheese. Just like there. Grilled cheese is a specific kind of sandwich. And then what's in one on your team? There's different ways to prepare a grilled cheese, just like there are different ways to prepare a cheeseburger. Motherfucker. Is your cheeseburger bacon, tomato, lettuce? What? Yeah. Bacon, lettuce, tomato.

Do we have to say that every single time? I would like to say what else is in the grilled cheese. Is that fair? I'd like to keep a little layer of mystery about it. You're trying to keep it open-ended so everybody loves it. No, you have to choose one. Just like how you're trying to keep your cheeseburger open-ended so everybody loves it. No, you have to choose one. Just like how you're trying to keep your cheeseburger open-ended so everybody

loves it. No, no, no. Cheeseburger is very defined. It's cheese, meat, bread, and then lettuce, tomato. Is there bacon in it? And then a vegetable avocado? I didn't say bacon. I didn't say bacon. You're letting people let everybody's imaginations run wild. So this is a non-bacon cheeseburger. You're asking me to construct anybody who might respond to a grilled cheese. You're asking me to limit their

imaginations. Yeah, because it has to be a sandwich, specific sandwich you draft. You can't just say, I want to draft a six-foot-five-inch shooting burger. That's not the very nature of a grilled cheese. That's why I'm drafting it, because you can improve it with the tomato. You can improve it with bacon. You can improve it with a different type of cheese. Or you can go classic, just like your mom used to make it in the summer. A bacon cheese?

It hits the point where it stops being just a grilled cheese sandwich. It's just that some of these haven't been named yet. Well, I'm not saying you could add turkey and cheeseburger to it. I understand that. But I think the very nature of a grilled cheese is that you can add tomato and bacon. And that's where I'll leave it. I won't go beyond tomato and bacon. This is a grilled cheese sandwich.

Is that what's in yours? Tomato, bacon. I'm saying it's in mine sometimes. Tomato, bacon on the side? It's an option at the diner. A steamed tomato on the side. Okay, write that down. He said steamed tomato sandwich. You said that. Steamed tomato sandwich.

What kind of... Now this is... I'm not going to back you into a corner and say this has to be the kind of... I love that I'm getting the heat because that's how I know the grilled cheese is a beautiful pick. I'm very jealous of it. Because trust me, on the Twitter poll, it just says grilled cheese next to it. It doesn't say in parentheses with no tomato or bacon.

What do you consider the best bread for a grilled cheese sandwich? And how dark is that bread getting? Ooh. I think it's a nice thick cut white bread. Yeah. And it's getting very crispy on the outside. Nice and gooey on the outside. Yeah.

So nice – like a dark – Yeah, dark. Dark brown. Not – a little past golden. Yeah, past golden. Just a shade – and then cheese, ideally. I'm not saying this has to be on your – Thank you.

Thank you. You know I get defensive. Yeah. I'm going to say straight up American cheese. Yellow. Yeah. No. White American cheese. Oh straight up American cheese yellow yeah no white American cheese oh white American cheese

yellow yellow to me connotes more of a cheddar so you want a white American grilled cheese with a stewed tomato okay so I just want to visualize

what your sandwich is tomato and white cheese you're talking are you microwaving it an old turkey leg with your mom's shitty stuffing with a

I'm dropping that sandwich. You better believe that. You can pick up. So that's, I mean, that's it. And I'll pick it up for the fucking chicken finger sandwich. The chicken sandwiches. I might fucking pick up. I might pick up a Thanksgiving one just to crater this whole list.

Wait, what's the waiver order? I want to drop my grilled cheese just to see how fast both you guys pick it up. So how do we determine the waiver? We could play Rock, Paper, Scissors again. We could all decide. You should reverse draft order. Yeah, I guess we probably should do reverse it. Because then it'll actually

be about who's losing, right? Can I pee real quick? You guys can pee. Woo! Alright, Tortas! Put a cigarette. Right now. Arepa.

Arepa was on my list, and I ended up not drafting it. It was low on mine. All right. Sorry. You guys, we can jump back into it. So? All right. So we have concluded the draft itself.

But now a new innovation, the sandwich waiver wire, meaning we can drop one of the sandwiches we picked that we have decided we are no longer cool with and replace it with a sandwich that is yet to be picked or a sandwich that one of the other contestants drops. Right. But notice if Jake drops a sandwich, we're free to pick it up. We're free to pick it up. And you don't have to drop a – you don't have to use the waiver wire. What do you mean? You can stand pat with your team. Yeah. You don't have to use it. Yeah. If you think your team is set, you can use the waiver wire. What do you mean? You can stand pat with your team.

Yeah, you don't have to use it. Yeah, if you think your team is set, you can go no waiver wire. If you're happy with it, if you have a change of heart. If I drop something, you can pick it up, but you have to drop something. Yeah. Okay. And what if you drop something? Can I pick that up?

No, the game ends when my waiver wire is last. So you're in a really nice position. Or the worst, because I'm going last in the waiver wire. I see. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. Crafts are crazy. I think I'm gonna

go with my head and not my heart. Because I love the fried chicken sandwich. You think it won't play regionally? I think I could win some votes in the South. But I'm going for universal. I'm gonna drop the fried chicken sandwich. Back on the market. You pick up a BLT. But don't you worry. I'm going for universal. I'm going to drop the fried chicken sandwich. Back on the market.

You pick up a BLT. But don't you worry. I'm getting fried chicken on the docket. I am drafting the chicken parm. Ooh. Yeah. For all my Italians. That's really the first Italian sandwich we've had come off the board, right?

True, true. The chicken parm. I think chicken parm is on my list. And the people are going to be so proud of you for not going veal parm. You know, so you're getting the bleeding hearts, too, on your side. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not killing any baby cows. Not at all.

Just chicken. Chicken parm is a delicious sandwich. That's sort of a fried chicken, mozzarella, marinara sauce. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Those are all the ingredients? Mm-hmm. That's it.

You want to keep it vague. Just eat two pieces of bread with anything you want in the middle. You can't define a grilled cheese. You can't define a grilled cheese. You can't define a grilled cheese. That's why I drafted the grilled cheese. It's an enigma of a sandwich. It's a utility. It's got like shooting guard, small forward, power forward.

The Draymond Green of sandwiches. Yeah, you can put it as versatile. So you were losing the fried chicken sandwich that you love so well with the buffalo and the biscuit. It's gone forever. It's gone forever. And you're replacing it with a chicken parm. Yep. Yeah.

That's on my team. I'm still going to eat the fried chicken biscuit on my own time. Also the only sandwich that anyone's drafted that Peyton Manning has sung to in a commercial. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Chicken parm. You taste so good. Fantastic.

That was right after he sat on that athletic trainer's face. You strapped to the sandwich of a sexual harasser. Oh, Jesus Christ. Something to keep in mind. I don't know anybody who's committed sexual harassment who's ever had a fried chicken on a biscuit. I might pick it up. But probably everyone else who has. Yeah, I think that's happened before.

All right, I'm going to my list. I'm dropping the roast beef sandwich. The entire thought of it disgusts me now. I'm going to my list. I'm dropping the roast beef sandwich. The entire thought of it disgusts me now. I may never eat it again. It was all that little sheen. I can't believe I've been so committed to that weird shiny meat. I'm going to replace it with a Cubano sandwich. Very nice.

It's going eclectic again. Very nice. It's the ham, like a good fucking ham. Yeah. Like a good ham. Not just some ham off the street, like a quality. You're going ham. I want someone in Spain.

Is that a press sandwich? It's a hot sandwich. It's a press. I think it is a press sandwich. I think it is. Yeah. Another type of grilled cheese. Did you already order this one?

Because this is a grilled cheese with ham. Sorry, what's that, hater? It's the Cubano. And the best Cubano I've ever had, bunk sandwiches. Again, Portland, Oregon. Wow, weird. Portland has the best sandwiches. Yeah.

That's true. Portland, home of such amazing Cuban culture. The pork belly Cubano. It's like pork belly. It's so good. It's like bacon Cubano. It's so delicious. This is a very sponsorable podcast.

If anybody wants to jump in. It's the Egg McMuffin From McDonald's Have it your way I like whatever Enterprise Rent-A-Car gives you That's my favorite sandwich You show up Just give me a sandwich

We'll pick you up a sandwich With a Mufalada Yeah Oh that's another good one Dog Yeah we should just talk about All the sandwiches That went undrafted

Mufalada Maybe G has some Alright I'm going to drop Thanksgiving dinner which i thought was really good but you guys talked me off of the fucking ledge it's a garbage sandwich for monsters okay that's one way to put it i do still like it so chill uh let's appeal to our asian friends oh, okay. A banh mi. What the hell's going to happen? A banh mi sandwich. Oh, a banh mi is good. Wake up.

That's banh mi. Banh mi for real. It's, what is it? Fucking lemongrass chicken. Uh-huh. Some sort of red vinegar. Yeah, you can't even say what's in a banh mi. You're just in it for the vote.

Cilantro. He's pandering. This is like how Yao Ming made the All-Star team every year. I do like banh mi. The Asian market is huge. Lemongrass chicken, cilantro. It's on a toasted baguette, which is very delicious. It's got this sweet sauce.

You know I like the sweet meat. I know you love that sweet meat. And then what else is on it? Baguettes are too fucking hard. It depends. I mean, some of them have like a liver, like a liver pate. I'm starting to go, I don't like baguettes. It doesn't have to be on a baguette.

I think it's on a hero, actually. I think these are notes baguette because it's the sandwich inspired by the French influence on Vietnam. Should I look at what's in a banh mi? I think it's – There's a lot of injustice there. Baguette, cilantro, right? I mean, I think there's oftentimes liver pate on those sandwiches. Wow.

Carrots? Am I wrong? Daikon, is that a thing? Daikon radish. Daikon radish. Actually, if you're going to hate on the grilled chicken, I think the banh mi is there's many different types of banh mi. What specifically is in your banh mi?

You know what? You were right about the French colonialism of Indochina according to this because it does come on a French baguette. I wrote that article. Cilantro, cucumber, pickled carrots, and then the lemongrass chicken. Yeah. That is a good-ass sandwich.

That's the only refreshing sandwich that any of us picked. Oh, yeah. Wasparol's quite refreshing. Oh, that actually is kind of refreshing. And what about the ice cream sandwich? Okay, never mind. I'm completely fucking lost. What about roast beef?

And the roast beef. Actually, while we're at it, these are all pretty – for some reason, I feel like I can eat a banh mi and then like another meal. There's something very – It doesn't sound like it's super – like too filling. It's another cheap sandwich. Yeah. You can get a banh mi for like a real decent price.

Another one, just to name some that we never said that's on my list that I didn't get to was French dip and egg salad. Both good. I had egg salad on mine too just sitting there. Yeah. French dip is a roast beef sandwich though. Yeah. It's like a hot, wet roast beef sandwich. Both good. I had egg salad on mine too just sitting there. Right. Yeah. French dip is a roast beef sandwich though. Yeah. It's like a hot, wet roast beef sandwich. It is.

It's a little hot. That's why I didn't go for it. You know, some that were up there for me were gyro. What's that? Oh, the Greek. Yeah, yeah. The lamb. Oh, gyro.

Yeah. Gyro with some like mixed meat, lamb and chicken. That's good. Yeah. That's very good. In this, a hardline sandwich traditionalist may not call that a sandwich, but I think in this bold new world that we live in, that's definitely a sandwich. When hot dogs are in, fucking let's let it all in.

I think those are equally questionable, a gyro and a hot dog. No, I think gyro's more of a sandwich than a hot dog. Well, we'll see what the police have to say about that. You're arresting me? They're on their way. I'm not going to arrest you, but I will testify in court. What about Meatball Sub? Meatball Sub's a fucking classic.

That was on mine too. Yeah, we could have gone more than five rounds is what I'm thinking right now. At the time, the idea of 15 different sandwiches seemed absurd. Now it's just the tip of the iceberg. I had a tuna salad, which I would have gone with, except I was ashamed by the lobster roll. I couldn't follow it up. I had tuna melt, but I was ashamed by the grilled cheese. That would have given him too much ammo.

Something about a hot cheese on fish. Even though it is delicious, I would absolutely eat a tuna melt sandwich. But just like, you want this hot cheesy fish sandwich? It's kind of nasty. It's kind of like, I wish that the tuna was cold and the cheese was hot. I want like an open-faced grilled cheese and then put some cold tuna on there. Oh. Well, you could do that.

I mean, you just smash it and eat it real quick before the tuna gets heated up. There's like some other version of this show where we're just stoned and we have like made-up sandwiches. That's a really good next episode. We just get super stoned and invent sandwiches. Yeah. And we don't criticize each other at all. No. That's just a corporate positivity.

We're just like, you're so creative. You're so smart, man. I never would have thought about that. You eating cranberry sauce? Yeah. I love it. For some reason, I've been trying to hide it from you, how much I love cranberry. No, I don't.

It's gross. Just put up this fucking front, man. What about a s'more? God damn, that is. It is. That is. It's 100% a sandwich. I don't like s'more.

Camping once as a child, ate too many of them and barfed everywhere. And then it ruined it for you. I ruined it. I think the graham cracker is tough as bread. It cracks. It goes everywhere. Then you've got hot, melted chocolate and marshmallow. Yeah.

It's all in your hands. If they could give you something better than a graham cracker, maybe like a pliable, flexible graham cracker. That's nice. Where's science on that? There should be a soft graham. A softer graham cracker. A soft graham. It's basically just a cookie instead graham cracker maybe like a pliable flexible graham cracker that's nice where's science on that there's a soft graham soft graham basically just a cookie instead of we have soft cookies yeah girl soft graham cracker we should well it wouldn't be a cracker anymore it'd be a graham cookie that's true that's fine any other other soft sounds better yeah just call it graham graham graham base yeah graham is basically a cookie, and then the cracker version is what adds the cracker.

Yeah. Anyway, this has been Cracker. Cracker Talk. I'm your host, Graham. Graham J. Crackers. I had just the basic salami sandwich. Yeah, but nobody said salami. I really like salami.

It's delicious. Or bologna. Bologna. I do have a soft spot for a good bologna sandwich. In fact, any of those weird, undefinable meats, like a bologna or a Braunschweiger, like a liverwurst. When it's just like pink. Yeah. Where it's just like sort of pink and you have to like peel that wrapping off of it

that's sort of holding it together so it doesn't just dissipate in the package. Oh, man. Yeah. Takes me right back. Just, I feel like working man broke ass sandwiches. That's good. White bread, salami, man broke ass sandwiches. That's good. White bread, salami,

and that's it. Yeah. Onion. You had to cut yourself. Uncut onion. Spread the mayo around. Just move it around. I do,

one other weird, my favorite sandwich growing up, and we gotta wrap it up soon, but it would be a bologna sandwich, mayonnaise, just like Kraft Singles,

and then it would get squished in my backpack. Oh. And there was something about the sandwich being squished a little bit. A pressed sandwich. A little wet hot. It's like – Just a pressed but a cold pressed sandwich. Yeah, a cold pressed sandwich.

Yeah. That's actually really interesting. Yeah, we have cold pressed juice. Yeah. Why can't we have cold pressed sandwich? Now we are stoned. It's like a George Foreman but off. Right.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. That's the new – That's the head gum The head gum sandwich press That's how you're gonna really make the money What about a hot ice cream sandwich This should be a kitchen up here

Can we just go through our sandwiches real quick Just so everyone has the team Let's re-up First pick I went cheeseburger Then pastrami Then I replaced For my third

I'm going banh mi Then turkey club And then ice cream sandwich fantastic what do you call your teeth oh that's a good question yeah I like bond me for real bond me bond me for real yeah yeah at pho real Bon Me For Real. Yeah. Yeah. At PHO Real. Oh, Bon Me For Real. Yeah. Yeah. All right. My picks were, number one, with the Reuben, the delicious Reuben sandwich.

Number two, bagel, cream cheese, and lox. My third pick was roast beef, which I kicked out of the goddamn club and replaced with a Cubano and then went Chicago-style hot dog and then wrapped everything up with a delicious peanut butter and dill pickle sandwich. And I'm calling my – I have a good name for you. Oh, what is it? Big Dill. Big Dill.

Oh, it is kind of a big dill. Yeah. Kind of a big dill. I like the double – it is kind of a big dill and then it also feels like the pickle industry got to me. Oh, that's good. Yeah, the pickle lobby. Like Big Deal met me outside with a metal briefcase full of money. Full of pickles.

Full of cucumbers. Just make it four of them, you know, so they don't get wise. All right, so team Big Deal, that's me. So they don't get wise. All right, Jake team Big Deal, that's me. So they don't get wise. All right, Jake's picks. All right, thank you so much for having me. This is the winning team. That's the name of it?

The bacon, egg, and cheese, followed by the cheese steak, the lobster roll, the grilled cheese, and the chicken parm. Very cheesy. I'm going to the chicken parm. Very cheesy. I'm going to call myself Say Cheese. Say Cheese. Yeah. Cheesy does it. Cheesy does it. It would be pretty good.

Cheesy E. Yeah, Cheesy E. Easy cheese. Over cheesy. Easy cheesy. Over cheesy. Over cheesy. It ain't easy being cheesy.

It ain't easy being cheesy. I got to drop the lobster oil and put something else on. Lobster cheese. Oh, tuna melt would be a perfect replacement. Cheesy F baby. You can name it after the little one. What's the name of your team? Any one of those cheese puns will work.

All of them. It's a very long name. Some cheese pun. Some cheese. Now your team's name is just some cheese pun. Perfect. All right. Fantastic.

Fill in the blanks, people. Those were the picks. You may not agree with them, but we were all correct. We were all right. Yeah, that's it. Jake, Mia, thank you for joining me on All Fantasy Everything. Thank you. Thank you for letting me host a ridiculous podcast on your network.

It was a fun one. It was a fun podcast. And thank you for all the lacroix oh anytime been delicious all right thanks for listening make sure that uh i'll just record an outro yeah and remember a vote for amir is a vote for america oh i like oh should we all appeal to people just really quick quick tagline yeah quick tagline vote for amir is a vote for america uh if you like cheese vote for me's oh i like that thanks it. Vote for Ramirez and vote for America. If you like cheese, vote for me's. Oh, I like that.

Thanks. It rhymed. If you don't vote for my list, I'll find you. Oh, a threat. Yeah, it's a threat. Can I go back and I want to do one appeal and then one threat. And then a waiver wire. I'll kill your whole fucking family if you don't vote for me's.

Oh, that's good. it still rhymes with the cheese yeah thanks for listening tune in next time motherfucking ice cream sandwiches. Coming out of left field with, I can't believe, I forgot, I'm still mad at myself. Listen, thank you for listening to All Fantasy Everything Sandwich Edition. I'm going to try to get over this somehow. Until then, make sure you go to at Ian Carmel on Twitter,

where there will be a poll for you to vote on the winner. Frankly, I don't even think I deserve it for failing to think of ice cream sandwiches, but that's just me being hard on myself. If your heart says pick Ian, you go ahead and pick Ian. But whoever it is you pick, make sure you head over again to at Ian Carmel on Twitter to vote on who was this week's winner.

And thank you again for listening to All Fantasy Everything. We'll be back next Friday with another new episode. That was a Hate Gum Podcast.