All Fantasy Everything - Satisfying Feelings (Live w/ Shane Torres, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

Inspired by real life events earlier in the day, the GVG and The Big Cranberry draft "Satisfying Feelings" LIVE in DC.This was recorded live in Washington DC at The Black Cat.Episode Guest:Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @syrupmountainSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to a live, brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Yeah. Too thick, coming to you from the Black Cat in Washington, D.C. Make some noise, everybody! Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Holy shit, it is good to see all of you.

Thank you so much for coming out. We really appreciate it. Everybody, you can hear okay? Everything cool? Everything's great. All right, beautiful. Fucking A. Listen, Sean and David, they can't make it.

Just gonna be me tonight. I'm gonna do my bar mitzvah portion four times. Baruch atah. Eloheinu melech haolam. And then there was another 15 minutes of it. And run it back.

Holy shit. I want to start out by just giving a shout out to super producer Marissa back in L.A. Make some noise for Marissa. We love you. We miss you. One day we'll be big enough to fly you everywhere, but not yet. Not yet.

Listen, I mean, for God's sake, you know I'm a Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. You know I'm a Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Make some noise for Sean Jordan, everybody. Thank you, everybody. What a witness. What a block. What up, witness? What up, what? DC, how we living?

Mansions and Benz has given ends to my friends and it feels stupendous. Tremendous cream. Fuck a dollar and a dream. Steel Toad. Something. Giant glass of apple juice. How you doing, Cartwheel? Ian's my friend.

If I was still alive, I'd want to hang out with Ian until the end. That's like the rest of that rap for the most part. Keep going, dude. It's a written. They don't know that.

Yeah. He and I would get along. That's why I'm gonna sing this song about Ian. He's a real nice guy. Six foot three, weighs 125. Shredded.

Abs and shit. Dry fit. All of his clothes. Can he dunk? You bet he can, but he never will because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You and King Tough, man. That's about it.

Yeah, me and King Tough. King that's about it yeah me and King Tuff King Tuff he can't dunk because he's always dunking if that makes sense that's the thing about King Tuff he's too busy bowling perfect games

to dunk you know what I mean this is fucking rad this is tight for God's sake, for the love of Pete. Cheese and rice. Holy cow.

Holy buckets. Oh my goodness. You know him as the G Asylum on Twitter. You know him as CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Make some noise for international waters himself, David Borey! International waters himself, David Bowie! A lot of people were just saying that on the road today. Yeah.

That was John Wall who yelled that. We had a thing back in the late 90s. Local reference. How's it going, guys? Yeah! Oh, it's on me. Yeah. Say something. Hey!

Didiari goes, welcome! Didiari. Welcome? Go ahead, do it. Stop the podcast. I lost my voice. I'll do it. You think it's so easy? Welcome! Here ahead, do it. Start the podcast. I lost my voice. Go on, I'll do it. You think it's so easy?

Welcome! Here, I got it. Everybody, if you don't like that offensive voice, then plug your ears in. Three, two, one. Welcome. So early. That's the earliest I've ever done that.

That voice makes me feel wet in a bad way. Yeah. Like bad wet. Like cold wet. Cold wet. Like you pissed your pants, but it's later, you know? You still had to take the whole subway ride. That's the worst feeling ever!

When it's later and you're like, I should have just not stayed at this bar. It's like slapping against your leg, you know? Oh, that wet piss slap, you know? That cold, wet piss slap. How big is your dick? Oh, the piss slap. I get it, I get it.

I only pissed my pants one time. I was at Carousel Street in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and I was playing Mario Brothers, and I pissed my pants on purpose because I didn't want to waste my quarter. Isn't that crazy? I was standing there. I was like, I have to piss,

and then I was like, fuck it. You piece of trash. Yeah. I pissed my pants in stonewashed jeans that were very, very tight. And so it was very clear that I had pissed my pants. So I did the Billy Madison thing way before they did it on Billy Madison. But I went and got all of my jeans wet and came back up. Yeah.

Actually, that scene was inspired by you, surprisingly. Adam Sandler. David's been trying all day to convince Sean that he grew up in a white ghetto and that Sean's just like in denial. Yeah, but Sean will tell these crazy stories like, yeah, my friend's mom went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. She did. It was like legit.

Yeah, and I was like, oh, that seems like a thing that happens to disadvantaged youth in the ghetto. In the ghetto. And then I just said all by habit stands, you know, another cold and gray Chicago morn Another little baby child is born In the ghetto

I don't understand this bit It's an Elvis Presley song It's an Elvis Presley song He was singing about the Warsaw ghettos Right before World War II Oh that's where the term came from Where a young A young Ian Carmel applied...

This has really started strange. Yeah. I like it. I'm in. All Holocaust everything. AG. You guys shush. Nobody yell anything from the crowd after I say all Holocaust everything.

Because I can't make out what it is, and I assume it's fine. What about you, Ms. Quirrell? Are you Jewish? Oh, yeah, 100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything. Damn, Doug. Did you know that?

I knew it. I'm a good friend. You can tell within the first half second listening to this podcast, just the way I say welcome. Welcome. That was all right. Welcome to my store.

Don't touch anything. No matter what line of work I was in. Welcome to Delta Flight 362. Yes, drinks are extra. Welcome onto this fishing boat. You're a tuna and now you're dead. You were a tuna. You're no longer a tuna.

Can you do Carl's Jr.? Welcome to Carl's Jr. Can I get... Can I do Hardee's? Welcome to Hardee's. We have biscuits. And Carl's Jr. sometimes doesn't and that's the only difference as far as I can tell.

That is pretty tight. Yeah. How long should we keep them back there? You guys are going to be real stoked in a second. You're not supposed to lead. You're supposed to be like, you guys are going to hate it. I'm going to do my joke that I do every show. Of course, the fourth seat is for Elijah the prophet.

Yeah. Oh, we out here. We're in here. But we are, some of us are Jewish. Me and them. I'm Irish. I'd say, some of us are Jewish. Me and them. I'm Irish. I'd say about 16 of them. I'm pretty Jew adjacent.

You are hella Jew adjacent. Hella Jew adjacent. I'm Jewcessible. We've been claiming you. We've been claiming you on some forms. I've been claiming you on some forms.

Oh, yeah. When I go back to Sioux Falls, I claim both of you. How did your man got student loans? A lot of people don't know that it's Sally Mae Rabinowitz. That's the full name.

That was funny. I think you could do it. Sure was funny. I think you could drop it on him now. For a while you knew him as at Syrup Mountain on Twitter but he got his real name. Give it up for Shane Torres, ladies and gentlemen!

Yeah! Yeah! What an asshole. Oh! Why do we all... Why do we all Jose Conqueso in the building Doc Hollandaise himself

Wyatt Burp Sad sad Leroy Frown in the building everybody I can never remember the good ones and I erased the text thread Lee Van Beef. The Jelly Boy. Nope, that wasn't one. The Jelly Boy?

Yeah. The Jelly Boy is kind of like a... You don't get to just call me a condiment and edit. But I said boy, like, it sounds... I'm a jelly man. Anybody on this stage could be called Jelly Boy. Stop. I'm more of a marmalade lad.

A marmalade if you're busy that day. We should get some marmalade in the morning. We should get some marmalade? Is that what you just said? In the morning. All right. I don't know that there's going to be a morning for us, just like there hasn't been the last two days.

There might be a two in the morning or something like that. Marmalade in the morning. Marmalade at night. When you want something on your toast, marmalade is right. It's better than jelly. It's better than jelly. It's better than jam. If you've got a sweet tooth, you're a marmalade

man. It's beautiful because I saw you switching the pizza bagels theme in the beginning. I watched that happen on your face. Now sing a song about Taziki. Say what? Sing a song about Taziki now.

Taziki? It's not wrong. It's only white. Taziki in your mouth tonight. You can't fuck with him like that. Man, you are unfadable Fuck you're dead Those incredible grandlings classes were expensive

We gotta wrap it up right Yeah let's turn around All the apple juice is gone Do we wrap this up I'm pretty excited All the apple juice is gone. Do we wrap this up? I'm pretty excited. Did we do that in unison? Yeah, kind of.

That's weird. We've been together so much, we're cycling up on everything. We all poop at the same time. I'm pretty sure it was an emergency for all of us today. We were, and I know this drastically hurts our chances

of sleeping with anyone, but I don't care. I'm involved. Are we already? Everybody in here poops. Don't do that. You read books? I don't read books.

I don't read books. That's a personal choice. I don't do TV. No, fuck TV. I don't do it. I don't have management. I don't fucking read books. No, not a bit.

Anyway, so we're talking about this sloppy duke you took. I was, we were driving from New York. I don't fucking read books. No, not a bit. You were talking about the sloppy duke you took. We were driving from New York. I'm not going to talk about the duke. I'm going to talk about an incident preceding the duke. We're driving down from New York City, which is a New York state. A lot of salsa up there.

And we had just crossed the mighty Susquehanna River, which is beautiful. It is. And I had to take a shit so bad that my pupils dilated. You know that, man? I don't know if anyone saw Chernobyl, but you know when they, like, run into the control room, and, like, the guy's like, like, that was happening in my brain. It was like...

And I pulled off at the first exit. I'm like, I don't care. There's an exit, so presumably there's something with a toilet on the other side of it. And we pulled off, and all I saw was a sign for a farm museum. And I'm like, all right, I'm going to shit in the farm museum. Fine. So you paid the $25 entry fee.

And we ended up staying for four hours. I couldn't find the farm museum. We couldn't find it. But we were driving down all these beautiful roads, but I couldn't appreciate it. I hated them. I couldn't find the farm museum. We couldn't find it, but we were driving down all these beautiful roads, but I couldn't appreciate it. I hated them. I hated agriculture. I hated Maryland. I hated everything that was around. Only, I don't hate...

I love Maryland now. I don't know, or hate it. Whatever you guys want me to do, I will. It seemed lovely. I have no moral compass. I am a... I'm Venus. You fit right in in this town. I'm a moral compass. I am a, I'm Venus. You fit right in in this tank. I'm a gas planet.

Oh! Oh! Hey, Dark Torres, everybody. I do political comedy now. No! Was that in your packet? I'm Louis Black. Was that in your packet

until last week tonight? Yeah. What the hell? Political juggernaut, Shane Torres. I'll be running for third district alderman if anybody... You gotta go take down Chuck Rhodes if you want that job. Billions.

Billions. Ballers and billions entourage succession. May the rock be with you. And also with you. We haven't done that in a while. Anyway, tell that shit story. I love it. It was hilarious.

I liked it. We couldn't find anywhere to shit, and we were driving down a scenic road, and I was dismayed, if I'm being honest with you. I felt a sense of dismay. It was tense for a second. Did you break into sweats? I wasn't quite sweating.

I wasn't. I wasn't that far. But I stopped at a stop sign, and I was like, where are we? I was just feeling real low. I felt sad. I was stressed out. I was sad, where are we? I was just feeling real low. I felt sad. I was stressed out. I was sad.

I felt dark. I had to poop so bad I was sad. And at that moment, I got a cramp in my fucking thigh. So now I have to shit, and my thigh is cramping. And I parked the car, and Sean tried to say something to me. I was like, no, stop it. You ever get a cramp so bad nobody can talk? Like, is that kind of? David and I were talking real no, stop it. You ever get a cramp so bad, nobody can talk? Like, is that kind of...

David and I were talking real low in the car. He's like, my phone's got service if you want to find a gas station. I was like, shut up! Shush! And there were some big dogs in the yard that were just sitting there. Big dogs. There were two dogs just like yoking up on me. Just like...

Not big dogs like stepdads, but like Rottweilers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like knuck-like big dogs. Let me say this. These dogs were not staying on the porch. That's how big they were. That's where little dogs sit. That's where big dogs shit.

Big dogs bite you. God, I had a shit so bad, and I had a thigh cramp, and I was staring out at this green field, and I was like everything. And then you got out and beat off, and it was fine. A butterfly flew by, and I was like, fuck you. This is like a Robert Frost band. I mean, it occurred to me at that moment that everything dies and maybe I should just shit myself and walk into the woods.

That is every day for me, brother. I took the mega bus yesterday and that sounds better. I took a mega bus when we got to the rest stop. The poop reference, I think. Yeah, we're ten minutes in and we're already moving into shit jokes. This was a story. Dickhead. And some would say

some would say that it's that kind of podcast. They would. They would. It is that kind of podcast. They would. They would. It is that kind of podcast. It's that kind of podcast. Ultimately, it's that kind of podcast. Yeah. It is that kind of podcast.

This is so fucking cool. I can't believe this. Whoa, Jesus Christ. Whoa, that's your face. Yeah. That's your face. Oh, that's tight. Bring it. That's your big ass face. Oh, that's tight.

Bring it up. Bring it up. Bring it up. You have no idea what this did. I thought there was a person that was that tall out there for a second. You are a fool. Oh, my God. What's your name, man? Nolan.

Nolan. Hi, Nolan. I'm Sean. You're from Georgia? You came up from Georgia? Jesus Christ. Wow. Let's also give it up.

You're from Georgia? You came up from Georgia? Jesus Christ. Let's also give it up. Can we also give it up for Sean thinking that there was a giant who looked like Ian? Hold on, hold on. Jesus. Someone just held that up and I was like, is there, what? So for a second, I was like, there's this.

Will you do me a favor and hold that? Now just kind of look at me. That could be one of you lucky ladies if you're not. This fucking guy. This is officialfathead.com. This is official. Whoa,com. This is official. Whoa, do you have the rest of the body? No.

That'd be so funny if you had the rest of the body. Please, let's go. Bring it up. Bring up the rest of the body. Put your shirt on. I think you need to save that and we'll put it on Damien Lillard's body in a Buffalo Wild Wings. That's fucking awesome.

Now that's straight up on the table. Thank you guys for having us and coming out. That's so nice of you. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're having you. They're having us. Let's get this straight. Okay.

You thank us. Oh, fine. Oh, great. Oh, here we go. Oh, okay. I don't even know I'm friends with you guys. Good job. God damn it.

Yeah, there we go. All right. Oh, it's been a real sampler platter of jokes so far. I think everyone agree with that. Thank God that hashtag died. Are people still giving you sampler platters? No, no, no, no. I'm going to start that back up on Twitter.

When this comes out, whenever this comes out, give Shane a sampler platter at whatever show he's at. He loves it. I do. Snoopy little boy that likes sampler platters. If one of you orders a sampler platter to the Black Cat right now and it gets here before the show is over and you deliver it to Shane. They listen to the podcast.

It's going to get here before the show is over. It's a fucking six-hour marathon. If somebody does that, Sean will kiss you on the mouth. I'm involved. Eye contact. I have my queen and I cannot do that. Ken Burns has made films shorter than some of the episodes of this podcast. Well, yeah.

He went to film school. Of course he started in shorts, you know. I'm sure he made some... God damn it. I also started in shorts. I was going to say, I'm going to fucking

finish in shorts, dog. Oh, I didn't mean like a sex thing, but also that. I remember one time I made out with this girl, that Amber girl, actually. They weren't talking about her with us in the car. Yeah, but we, what are you, what, I can't, you know, what, um. Can I get a double tequila soda for to drink?

For to drink. Can I get one too? Two double tequila sodas? Two double tequila sodas? Two double tequila sodas. My man, thank you. Give it up for the Black Cat staff, by the way. Fucking awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is, honest to God, so cool to be on this fucking stage. We were hooking up, and then later that day she tweeted, I can't believe I made out with a guy in cargo shorts. I should have been insulted, but I was like, goddamn right you did. I like to think of that's how strong your game is. Yeah. I had a fucking Clyde Drexler card in one of those pockets, too. You don't know which one.

You don't know which one. Why do you? That's cool, man. Good for you. Hell yeah. You mean Clyde Drexler, the guy who played for the Rockets? Hit him in the face. Go ahead in the face.

I mean, he did win a ring there, right? Two of them? Oh. Oh, really? Should we all just beat the shit out of Shane? You can fucking try. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Corey, everybody. Yeah, he's a good guy. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. We're going to have one of these every five minutes. What is it from? That's from McConaughey.

What's it from? The Wall Street? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they order martini. Oh, yeah, we'll go to Wall Street. We'll move on. We'll move on. We'll move on. We'll move on. What's the front? The Wolf of Wall Street? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they order martini, let's... We'll move on. We'll move on. We'll move on. It's not important. It's not all hits. No, no, no. Sometimes it's bad jokes that we tell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Clyde Drexel said that. Man, you're really manhandling that line. Jesus Christ. You really did just speak it up. What are you thinking about right now, Ian? What are you thinking about?

The rockets. You're really giving that line the business. You know what I'm talking about? Giving that line the business. Now we are gathered here today in the beautiful black hat in scenic Washington District of Columbia. Not only to squeeze limes

and impress dimes. Driving in the car, listening to Sublime, doing time. We did not listen to Sublime. I was thinking it. I was thinking Sublime. We did not listen to Sublime. I was thinking it. I was thinking Sublime. We actually talked the whole drive today. It was pretty tight.

We just really got to know each other. Found out a lot about these two. Just got in here. Your last name's Borey. I didn't know that until today. You're from North Dakota. Bismarck, North Dakota. You're going to have to book a dentist appointment

if you keep talking like that to me. You know I don't have insurance. We talked about that today. I also know you're the voice of Comedy Central, so cry me a fucking river, dickweed. Will you say, coming up next on Snoopy Little Devil with Sean Jordan?

Coming up next on Snoopy Little Devil with Sean Jordan. Coming up next on Snoopy Little Devil with Sean Jordan. Yeah! We gotta write that. An episode about how much he loves to kiss. Ian kissed me last night and I wanna talk about it

for a second. Because he came in with a wide open mouth. He came in open mouth. That's what it was like. Who did? Hold on. Ian came in to me open mouth. That's what it was like. Who did? Hold on. Ian came in to me open mouth.

I went closed mouth because we're friends and I'm a Christian. But he's Jewish. They do it. Apparently that's how they do it over there. Over there. And my mouth went inside of his mouth. Like alien? I don't...

Like sexy, sexy alien. How did Sean come in? Dumb and drunk? Yeah. And like, pretty nice, but yeah.

Dumb and drunk and pretty nice. Yeah. I'm going to do it again, too. Yeah. That'll be fun. Open mouth kiss me? I'm going to do it again, too. Yeah. That'll be fun. Open mouth kiss me? I'm going to open mouth kiss David later.

30 bucks on my premium Snapchat. G is not silent on that one. It's just you. My premium snap is just you going to open mouth kiss me in different scenarios. Like I'm at Safeway. Wow, the Grand Teton. There's a premium Snapchat? Yeah, that's where you go to get naked, baby.

A lot of people don't need premium for that. I put one ball on the free Snapchat, but I'm like, if you want to see the other ball. What about that third ball? Where is that at? That's a fansonly.com place. You have to go over to Chat Roulette for that. Ooh, Chat Roulette reference. They hated it.

Weird. They hated it. And they hate you. I'm used to it. Look at that guy. I'm pretty handsome. I'm used to it. Look at that guy. I'm pretty handsome. I'm chubby, but oh my God, what a gorgeous guy. You're like Tony Soprano. Huh?

You're very handsome. Was he handsome? Yeah, he's handsome. James Gannon, he's sexual. I don't know if he's handsome. James Gannon, I don't know if he was handsome. I'm more beautiful than James Gannon. I think he has a more raw sexual energy,

but I think I'm more beautiful. Would you rather be beautiful or have raw sexual energy? I would rather have the sexual energy. That's why I'm saying... I kind of want cooked sexual energy. Also, because I can't have a raw sexual energy because, like, my whole look is like... You know what I mean?

Like, what's so wrong with your cannoli? You don't like your cannoli? It's like that kind of, you know. You got to call it by the clock. That kind of energy. Oh, now we're going to have it facing you the whole time? I can't do that. You're going to eat pizza off that later, I bet.

Can we just go somewhere so I can order spaghetti? Also on my premium Snapchat. I just want to take that to a buffet and be like, fill this up with spaghetti. It's wild. I clearly trimmed one side of my mustache and not the other. All right, this isn't a fathead appreciation podcast. Come on, man. You can't just be looking at yourself the whole time.

I'm sorry. We could put a jumbo slice. I'm sorry. I'm a true narcissist. All right. We could put a what? A jumbo slice. It's a DC thing A jumbo slice. It's a D.C. thing.

Oh. Oh. I come to this city, you know. I play here. Pulaski Park. We could eat it with a sitting U.S. senator. It's kind of a D.C. thing. Did you just boo every senator?

Because you're fucking right to. Drain the swamp. Drain the swamp. Shane Torres came here to take him down today. Our fifth guest is AOC, everybody. I would piss in my pants. Me too.

We are gathering today in the Black Cat not only to riff for way too long. Bobby Worrest. Is that another skateboarder? Yes. Oh, nice. There we go. Hell yeah, hell yeah.

Moses Malone. Maybe Reese Forbes? Mark Rippin. Clinton Portis. What are we doing? It's the local reference comedy hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ted Cruz. Clinton Portis was What are we doing? It's the local reference comedy hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ted Cruz.

Clinton Portis was fucking nice, dude. That's one of yours, right? No, he's a Canadian. Texas? He's a Texan? Oh, God. That was the darkest day of my life. No.

Can I have another drink of anything? We're gathered here today! What a psycho. We are gathering here. Bring him just a cup full of fucking grenadine, just like... And vermouth. But put a few olives in there. Shane likes a big pint glass of vermouth.

Just like a High Life or whatever shitty beer you have. Hearts of youth, hearts of truth. Two part gins, one part vermouth. I don't understand the book. Duck, duck. This guy just said that. It's a rhyme about martinis. We're gathered here today.

Shut up. In the black hat in beautiful Washington, D.C. Thank you very much. Not only to make Shane drink an entire glass of grenadine, but also to draft satisfying feelings. Right? Things that are satisfying. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors

played between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Shoot. One more and I'm going to pick.

Shit. One more and I'm going to pick. She-ka-ka. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! That's never happened before. You pick. You never get to do it. I'm not picking. Everybody came to win tonight. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Fuck off. I'm not picking. I'm not picking. Everybody came to win tonight. We stayed till the top.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Fuck off. Fuck that. Fuck that noise. I'm leaving. Hey, man. Shaney boy. Shaney boy.

Do that again. What did Gaffieri ever do to anyone? Well, he didn't do shit for me. Shane Torres, my dear, dear friend, whom I love endlessly, having won Rock, Paper, Scissors is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft.

What will the order of the draft be? And before you decide that, I would love to remind you that it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. Let's say that you are trimming your mustache

and you trim one side of the mustache. You trim all the way over to the other side and you're like, it's even, right? And then you kind of look and you're like,

nah, it's a little much on the right. Maybe I should trim a little more on the right. Kind of go all the way back over to the left. You're like, yeah, that's good. What?

Is it? Is it, though? Is it good? Nah, it's not. I gotta trim a little more on the left real quick. So you trim a little bit more on the left and then you go to the left. You're like, yeah, that's good. What? Is it? Is it, though? Is it good? Nah, it's not. I gotta trim a little more on the left real quick. So you trim a little bit more on the left, and then you go to the right, kind of match it up, you know, as you are trimming your facial hair. And then you step back.

You come out of the living room. You ask your friend Sean if it looks great. He's hammered, and he's like, yeah, it looks fine. You're gorgeous. I love you to pieces. I can't wait for us to go to the roost tonight. But then you go back, and you second-guess yourself, and you're like, I'm just gonna give it a little bit us to go to the roost tonight. But then you go back and you second guess yourself and you're like, I'm just going to give it a little bit more of a trim on the left. You know, just go back and forth like that. And my voice cracked just then.

You nailed it that time. That was good because I did not have one. It's been about 140 and you finally nailed it. I did not have one. It's been about 140, and you finally nailed it. I did not have one. He's a slow learner. Basically, what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. With that in mind, Shane, Brontosaurus Taurus,

what will the order of tonight's draft be? Let's run it down the line, Carmel, Jordan, Bori. I'm the guest, so I... I'm first? Yeah. Technically a hot corner. Hot first? Technically a hot corner. Hot corner! Technically a hot corner.

I don't think... We sound different when you say it like that. Yeah, dude, Carmel, Jordan, Borey, they're all coming over. It's going to be fun. That's like the defensive line of a high school football team. If I could have skipped you, I would have. I'm sorry. Shane said something mean to me, so I didn't hear what you said, which is probably pretty funny

and nice. Shane can take a long walk off a short pier. I'm going to say it was about... Hold on. You're trying to be funny? What? Why are you on his side? It might go down tonight.

Every fucking week I listen to that goddamn podcast and he says something shitty about me. I do not. You shut your fucking much mouth trap. Not since I was yelled at. I was yelled at. All of you, shut up! Get him! Get him!

He's really nice on the Patreon episodes. Maybe you should subscribe. I would if my goddamn picture wasn't on the Patreon page. Maybe I should get cut in on the fucking thing. You're handsome. Sorry.

Sorry we like the way you look. Yeah, nobody made a fat head of me. Your parents did. Well, that makes two of us, motherfucker. You would say that to St. Sucre. I'll get it on the phone right now. Oh, that's dirty pool, mister. I can't get.

No, I'm not going. There's no phone to heaven. You know who did you know what with you know who. Let's just leave it at that. Okay. All this started with Sean sucking. So I would like the order to be Mr. Ian Carmel. Sean Jordan.

Sean Jordan. Did you know South Dakota's the only state they left off the state monument here? Really? Yeah, it's a fucking dump. Nice. The great David Borey, voice of Comedy Central. Thank you.

Yeah. Buy Shane's album, Established in 1981. Established in 1981. Yeah, buy it. Shane's an amazing comedian and one of my best friends in the world. And we were just discussing today the moment when I knew that I was accepted into the comedy community in Portland, Oregon. It was when Shane was roasting everybody and I was included in the roast. You mean killing.

Sean Jordan, I don't know you, but I fucking don't like you anyways. And I'm like, tight. I'm in there like. Turns out my instincts were right. It's a good story. It's got a beginning, middle and end. They're not all, you know, they're not all. It's a hot drink.

Some of them are black cats. They're not all fucking. It'll a story. It's got a beginning, middle, and end. They're not all big. It's a hot drink. Some of them are black cats. They're not all fucking. It'll get you. Yeah. Shit, I'm first. Yeah. Well, with the first pick in the Satisfying Feelings All Fantasy Everything live in Washington, D.C. draft. Ian Carmel's going to take.

We'll find out right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country.

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Man, I gotta get a quip brush. I gotta get Hems pills for my ED. I really needed An away bag I actually Those away bags Are fucking They're durable

Seriously These two flew out To the east coast I actually packed myself In an away bag And rolled And had Chris Sharpe In tears

Just spit it above his head And throw it I like that it was Sharpie I can see him doing it Sharpie did it didn't The guy's an athlete Sharpie's really strong Alright for he? The guy's an athlete. Sharpie's really strong.

All right, for God's sake, it's my first pick. Fucking A. Okay, cool. All right. I'm going to take what I believe to be an extremely satisfying feeling is remembering a fact without having to look it up. Oh, that's good. That is, man, I try to do that with movies especially. I hate when I pull out my phone to look

something up. It's fun to know it, you know? It's just a great feeling. You know, your brain, there's like a mad librarian running around up there and they're like, well, someone took the books out of order. Otherwise, of course you'd be able to remember that it was Super Cat on the version of Fly by Sugar Ray who did the... Yeah, what a fan. Normally you'd be able to remember that it was Super Cat on the version of Fly by Sugar Ray, who did the...

Yeah, what a fact. Normally you'd be able to remember that. You know that song. Yeah. Super Cat, you know? All you'd have to do is check your tattoos to see who did that, though, right? You just look right down there on your side and you got it all tattooed. On my back, I have Sugar Ray playing a show with Super Cat.

It's beautiful. It's very detailed. And then it's kind of a Sgt. Pepper thing. with Super Cat. It's beautiful. It's very detailed. And then it's kind of a Sgt. Pepper thing. In the crowd are a lot of important members of the late 90s, early 2000s

music community. You've got Father Roach. Father Roach is in there. Father Roach. Well, it's a little, you know, they've grown up. Monkey from Korn

is in there. You're a big monkey guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the St. Lunatics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. LFO's all there. Paula Cole is the Virgin Mary. Enough of P.O.D. to get you there.

Marcy Playground has made an appearance. Marcy Playground's in there. You can see him smelling either sex or candy. Not and. It's him trying to figure it out. And his Snapchat special. Yeah. Sex and candy. Yeah. Trying to, sex and candy.

Yeah. What does candy smell like? I don't know, but that's a pretty cool combo. Let's not shit on those tanks. Hanging around. Like on paper, that's a cool idea. Downtown by myself. That song always just sounded like heroin to me.

Oh, it's a drug song. Yeah, yeah. I just love it. Listen, I don't want to get up on my soapbox. Yes, you do. In this modern world, when we all have supercomputers in our pockets, you know, smartphones.

I actually call my dick the supercomputer. And I keep it in my pocket. Because it's gigantic, it takes up a whole room and nobody's used one since the 70s. I'm roasting everybody! Nobody's safe.

You got to whip the fuck out of it. You got to whip the fuck out of it! I just like it when he does that. Jeez. Can you give us a... Wait, wait, I'm not done. I'm not off my soapbox yet. Shane looks like a samurai right now.

Yeah, somebody on a mission. A bummed out samurai. A sad-murai? Oh, the sad-murl. That being said, I do think that you could rock chopsticks in your hair. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Not happening. I was thinking about that actually like weeks ago in your hair. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Not happening. I was thinking about that actually like weeks ago in the shower.

No, what? Not like. Hold on right now. That's where I do a lot of my thinking. So you're running Pert Plus through your hair and you're thinking about Pert Plus. I use Dr. Bronner's all over my body. Okay. But also I have some shampoo that has Jamaican black castor oil that I use.

A few fans. It's a few fans. I mean, I don't know if it is. You're supposed to use it on the top of your head, right? And then it runs down and cleans the rest of your body. The Jamaican black castor oil? Yeah. I don't think that it's for white people.

You don't think it'd work on? Well, I'm also... You don't think it'd work on this mop? I'm also Mexican, David. Oh, yeah, it might be for you guys. What else might be for us? You don't want to... Asylum? Driving.

I don't know what we're clapping for. I don't know what we're clapping for. Medical juggernaut Shane Torres, bringing him down today. Smartphones. You know, that kind of reference. Smartphones. Dumb society. This is another slam poetry reading.

That's a t-shirt at Hot Topic if I've ever heard one. Smartphones. Dumb society. Wephones, dumb society. We know, but we're not. Sober. Now, I don't know that I got that. Am I part of the dumb society? No, I didn't get it either. You're the fucking president of the dumb society.

I'm an Emmy-nominated comedy writer. I didn't get it for a second. Hard to get nominated for an Emmy when you're at the gym every fucking day. Except Sunday. You don't do a lot on Sundays. It's Saturday for us, but I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate the spirit of it. Remembering something like that, it just feels so good.

It's just, especially when you're tempted. You're like, I'll just look it up, and you're like, no! We're gonna do this the hard way. You know, like, when Rocky loses, and then he's like, you know why? It's because you were doing all that fancy pants punching computers or whatever what you need to do is beat a horse up

and then he's like alright I'll do it and then he beats a horse up to a really inspiring song you know what I mean and he like picks up a boulder and throws it at an Amish guy just like really roots stuff do you have a specific moment in your life that you can think of this as an example when I've remembered a fact without

Looking at yeah, yeah, like what's their way you like where you fucking that sent you over the top you're like I fucking crushed that I don't know not a specific one. No, but it would have been something stupid It would have been like it does that a lot though. He'll be like oh that song was by Culture Club Or better facts or better facts But I'm saying he does it a lot. I'm a fact. I'm like, I don't think I'm very smart in the real world, but like I got trivia down. You got trivia down, dude.

You're like my Google. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about those facts? Shane always used those Shane lies when he'd call those like facts. Like Mike Tyson designed the Empire State Building. What? You'd believe it for some reason?

Well, first of all, my lies would be a lot more believable than that. Idiot. I love you to pieces. Toucans are the only birds that don't have cloacas. They either have a big dick or a big vagina. Is that? I don't know.

I don't know what most of that meant. No, toucans don't have dicks. Birds don't have dicks. I know that. I know that. I learned that on the streets. Larry Bird doesn't have a dick? Larry Bird's got have dicks. I know that. I learned that on the streets. Larry Bird doesn't have a dick?

Larry Bird's got two dicks, Brian. One for each of y'all. It's crazy. They retired both of their jerseys. His little dick jerseys? I don't wear condoms. I wear basketball jerseys? I don't wear condoms. I wear basketball jerseys on my dick. Not a fan.

Why not strike a happy meeting? I can't stop picturing that now. Just a little mesh condom? Just a little Irish dick with a Larry Bird shirt. Like a reversible mesh condom? So like you're like, all right, well, gray or blue? I want mine to be like Iverson and also have a headband. And a sleeve.

And like a shooting sleeve. And like the finger thing. I guess on my balls. I didn't take it out. My pubes are in cornrows. You heard about that reusable condom that they made, right? You hear about that? You ever hear about that?

The reusable condom? You seen this? You heard about this? Pulling out is God's reusable condom. You just turn it out and shake the fuck out of it. Nothing? Pulling out is God's reusable costume. You just turn it out and shake the fuck out of it. Nothing. That was a good try. You'll get them next time, champ.

Remembering something without looking it up, it's a satisfying feeling. Sean. Patrick Jordan, tell me your first pick. Perfectly mowing a lawn. Oh. Oh. I absolutely love... I like mowing a lawn. Oh. Oh. I absolutely love

when I mow, I like mowing lawns. And this isn't a sex thing. I love it too. I love mowing lawns. I love going out Well, this podcast bottoms out. You'll be back to it.

Just in case you guys thought this was a sex thing. I love going out. I like mowing a lawn. I like it when the lines are perfect and they're just slightly different colors

on and off. You know what I mean? There was a guy back there doing a Christ Air 900 for a while. I don't know if you a lawn. I like it when the lines are perfect and they're just slightly different colors on and off. You know what I mean? There was a guy back there doing a Christ Air 900 for a while. I don't know if you saw it. I did see that. He said mowing lawns and he just had his arms like I did see that. He's like, I invented lawns! Sometimes I'll go a circle around the whole lawn and get to the middle. And then there's that

one last strip of grass. Oh, it feels so good! What are we doing? It feels so good! You do the little dance, you're like, I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. And then you kind of go

and you're like, not yet, not yet. You tuck your dick between your legs and play goodbye horses. Goodbye horses. And I just look at her and go, would you mow me?

I'd mow me. Wait a second. I'd mow me hard. I'll mow your lawn. Then I go put lipstick on the cat that's watching. Yeah. I'm mow your lawn. Should I go put lipstick on the cat that's watching? Yeah. I'm flying, flying,

flying over you. Woo! Yeah. Yeah, you backed up. The Carmels had a big backyard and a big backyard. The Carmels had a big backyard. Dog, and that thing was like circular,

so you were just like one big loop, and then a smaller loop. Your backyard was circular? Yeah, dude. Oh, we were doing all right. We didn't have a backyard in most of the apartments. Hold on, what's up? A lot of people needed divorces.

What are you, a billionaire? A backyard? I mean, at my townhome in the valley, we have a courtyard. He is a Lee C, a Cal a courtyard. He is a Lee C. A Cal Lee C. I'm a Lee C. But I'm sorry, Ian.

You were saying something about your childhood backyard. It was tight. It was big. I enjoyed mowing it. It's not a great story. No, hey. Beginning, a middle, and an end. Yeah, mowing a lawn.

It's fantastic. I love it. You know what? How big would your yard need to be for you to do a riding mower? It's the question that's burning on everyone's mind right now. I've never used a riding lawnmower. It's so fun. My neighbor in Elizabeth used to let me, or he paid me to do it.

It's like the best time ever. How lazy is this fuck? He paid you to ride a lawnmower? It's Elizabeth. It was like acres. It's like a really big yard. I don't know anything about Elizabeth. No, you don't, but you know my friends from Elizabeth are here. It was like acres. It's like a really big yard. I don't know anything about Elizabeth. No, you don't, but you know my friends from Elizabeth are here.

Yeah, good people. Julia, I love you guys. David, he's been good the whole time. I've been really good because my friends are here. I'll take another double tequila whenever. Whenever. Another double tequila whenever. David.

So is it my turn? Yeah. Yeah, when I do the fun little transition. Okay, I'm sorry. So is it my turn? Yeah, it could be. Yeah, when I do the fun little transition. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just excited about my first pick. Gosh. You guys are really getting a peek behind the comedy curtain. These live ones, they buck.

Nobody wanted it not to be. You sat on me? These live ones, they get buck. I think I do that now. Are you playing a little piano? In my head, that's what you're doing. I'm going to pick your nose. These live ones,

they get... Picking his little nose right there is what I was doing. See that? These live ones, they get... Stop it! You know what else is funny to do?

What? What's hot in here? It's very hot in here. You're fanning him up. You're being pretty generous to Sean there. You guys need to grow up. David! It's time for your first pick in the set.

Fuck yeah, dude. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I don't even... Now dump it out. I'd like another. I'd like another, please. More limes!

I'd like to murder more limes. For everybody listening, there's not a lime on stage. Man, that's gross looking. I'll tell you. You're gross looking. Stop. You're not.

You're goddamn right he is. No, he's not. He's a very handsome guy. By the way, Shane, your hair. I'll tell you. You're gross looking. Stop. You're not. You're goddamn right he is. No, he's not. He's a very handsome guy. By the way, Shane, your hair looks amazing. Thank you. You're welcome. It does. Yeah, it really does.

I got a cut. I got a cut for when I was on Stephen Colbert. That's a TV show, Sean. Have you ever been on TV? No, I don't do TV. Personal choice? Yeah, personal choice. All right.

People believe me when I say that. It's not a personal choice. Yeah, all of a sudden, Sean's some anti-establishment. That's why we're putting the black cat. Fucking Fagazzi over here. All right, all right, all right. David, time for your first pick. I can't even believe that I got it, and I'm going third.

Coming. Obviously coming. Coming. Coming. Coming, and I'm going third. Coming. Obviously coming. Coming. Coming. Coming. Coming, coming, coming. Coming. Are you crazy?

It was the first thing I thought of when we had the challenge. I can't believe you just shot the club up like that. Yeah, dude, I shot the club up because I feel released. Coming. Tell us why you like coming. Because I feel released. What's satisfying about falling into a ball on the floor and weeping? Right here.

That's what I... Also, I'm winded. Saying I'm sorry 145 times in a row, never more, never less. What's satisfying about that? Running down the street naked. I'm sorry. And then you have to go sleep in the dog bed. Going to one of every kind of church just in case.

You guys grew up tough. I mean, I don't know if you need me to go. Do you have to explain that? You don't have to go too far. No, walk us through it. You guys have all done it. Go ahead. It it. It rules. It rules.

I'd love to hear the word vas deferens in the next 45 seconds. Please, tell us why. I don't know. When you feel like your toenails are about to shoot off your body. Yeah, it's great. And it's like sometimes you're stressed out and you've been on the road with your friends and you get your own hotel room in New York and Ian's like, you guys, we gotta meet in the lobby at noon and you're like,

I could force it because I just feel stressed. You're like, it's 11.56. Yeah. And then, you know, you hit it southpaw grip, shoot it in the toilet and you go downstairs and you're like, in the toilet? Oh, I'm sorry, your mouth wasn't available.

That's not crazy. Don't make me feel bad about coming into a toilet. That's not... It's kind of... I mean, it is weird. It is weird. It's not weird! Yeah!

Real quick. Why are you standing over a toilet, jacking off? You've got a power. You have a powerful imagination. Yeah, if you come into a toilet, how does it get in your mouth? How often? Someone already made that joke.

How often? Mine will be on TV. I, uh... What? I mean, probably HBO because Safe Harbor. What of me? Listen, as soon as

Ian gets me on TV just like he's done everything else for me, it'll be fine. You know what I mean? That one was dark. That one was very... That was supposed to be a compliment. Let's just go back As soon as he gets me on TV, just like he's done everything else for me, it'll be fine. You know what I mean? I was too deep. That one was dark. That one was very...

That was supposed to be a compliment. Let's just go back to being not in this toilet. Secretly an anti-Semitic joke because Jews run Hollywood. Don't worry. He's doing well. No, I feel you. Yeah, I mean, I don't think you need to explain coming. I won't hang up on this.

Yeah, I mean, you guys are all grownups. You've had a bad day. Then you came, and it felt slightly better. And then, can I ask? It's hard. Life is hard. Come a lot. I don't have any other

bust nuts. You're right. But I hope you all come tonight. Like, I hope within three hours of me saying this, all of you are coming. See, I mean, like... Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't... Coming is frustrating. It's satisfying sometimes, but you ever just cum and then you're like, what the fuck was that, man? Seriously. You know what it is?

How do you think Sean's girlfriend feels? Yeah, but you're just like, really? Well, sometimes there's blood in it and I'm like, whoa, what the fuck was that? You have to get health insurance.

Also, that's called the stigmata. That's not where it comes from. The stigmata. Stigmata! Don't talk. Don't go over there. He's got the stigmata. I will say.

Oh, will you? I have had. Oh, will you? What did Kalman ever do to anyone? I have had. I have. Wait, you're not married, so you've never had sex. No, no, no, no.

No, clearly I haven't. Cheese and rice. I would crush a poor woman. I have made some of the best decisions of my life post-master. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like clearing your head with a good crank. Not everybody cranks it. Because I have thought about calling women that I don't need to call

because we have that kind of relationship. 100%. And then I do that, and I'm like, way to go, Torres. You're a winner. Why don't you go look at your portfolio? I like that you congratulate yourself for coming. I'm going to adopt that into my behavior. Good job, David.

Well, what are we but friends here to help one another? Three times? good for you that's not not since I was 27 I got regular numbers now regular numbers now regular numbers you've been sharing hotel rooms I haven't been

I'm glad you jacked off what are you talking about I'm happy for you I didn't I fell asleep I thought when I thought, when you texted it and said, we're all leaving at noon, I thought, I thought,

I almost thought it was like an unspoken, like, okay, so we're all gonna. Yeah, I beat off two, but I didn't do it

into the toilet, is the thing. That's the hang up? It is the toilet thing. Fine. I'm stuck on that. Where did you do it? Into the sheets

that those ladies were gonna come and clean up? You fucking asshole. Stop acting like you're a first responder. Into an envelope that he mailed to the church like we all do. Yeah, wait, no, where did you do it now? Because I bet you it was not as good of a place. The shower.

The most logical place to eat. Oh, you're a drain baby. No, I kind of. You jacked off in the shower with a Cinemax. So you're doing a one-man Cinemax soft core porn. With no water on, though. Just standing there in the shower. Just standing there in the shower.

I put a cigarette out of my arm. You just come on to drain tile. She's going to come in here and be like... She's going to go in there and be like, Great, this dude hocked going to come in here and be like, she's going to go in there and be like, great, this dude hawked a loogie in here. You're like, ah, yeah, I'm going to write the next Saw movie.

What are we on, pick one? We're talking about coming in the shower? Hey, you brought it up. Oh, that really got me. I don't know why. This is very funny. That's obvious. Shane Torres! The big cranberry! Shane! Got it. Satisfying feeling I'm going to pick in the first Shane Torres! The big cranberry! Shane! Got it.

Satisfying feeling I'm going to pick in the first round is almost hitting something with your car than not. Oh! Dog! I mean, if I need to explain that to you, you need to be a better human. When you're slipping on ice or something and then you just narrowly avoid a tree, you're like, bro, that's just a little bit of like,

yeah! I haven't, that doesn't, you ever like blow through a crosswalk and like almost hit, it's fully your fault, and you blow through it and you almost hit someone, you didn't, and you're like, there are a hundred different realities where I killed that person.

Yeah, dude. It's like the butterfly effect, the movie, someone you didn't and you're like there are a hundred different realities where I killed that person. It's like the butterfly effect the movie, not the effect. Great fucking movie, by the way. Of course you think that. You ever seen the cookie butterfly effect? What? I only drove for like eight months. The only thing I swerved

to miss was a DUI and it didn't work. It did. You're the voice of Comedy Central, so something happened. That is because I got a DUI and it didn't work. It did. You're the voice of Comedy Central, so something happened. That is because I got a DUI. We were just talking about that. But yeah, it's such an incredible, like the relief I, it's. It's almost like. I don't know. It's whatever Molly's next evolution is.

That's what not hitting someone with your car is. And by the way, and when they figure that out, you're so adamant about this, it makes me feel like you have hit somebody with your car. And you like, yeah, buddy, I'm living. I'm out here. I'm not just,

I'm out here. You know what's funny is for your standard, but every time I've been in a car accident, the first thing I think is like, this is going to be a fucking chore. You know what I funny? You're standard, but every time I've been in a car accident, the first thing I think is like, this is going to be a fucking chore. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not even, thank God I'm alive.

It's like, I'm going to have to go to, I'm going to call insurance. Your first thought is, are they okay? It's never been that. I've never been like, I hope they're okay. It's always like, how do I even fix a bumper? I've only ever been in one real car accident, and I fled the scene. Oh.

I've done that, too. It was because I was a runaway. It was by Spring Valley back when Nick worked there. Just so we're clear, someone grabbed David's mic and said that. It wasn't David. It wasn't me. Statue of Liberty. Spot on impression.

I was a minor. I was a minor. I was a minor. But, yeah, I ran away. So that's the only. It wasn't a chore, I was a minor. But, uh, yeah, I ran away. So that's the only, it wasn't a chore, it was very easy. Yeah, just not. I've gotten in, it was like, it was like, flip, oh, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

I've gotten in two very dumb car wrecks. One of them, I was in high school, I was driving my mother's Honda Accord, and I was driving home. That's St. Sue Carmel. St. Sue Carmel. Shout out, Mama. Love you, Mama. And I had become

fascinated with the bottom of my tongue. That little ball thing. And it's like crazy down there. You know what the top of the tongue looks like? And the bottom of your tongue looks like a subway map. It looks like a mess. You know what it looks like? It looks like chum for like sharks.

It's crazy. Can I ask a question real quick? Yep. Nine inches. Good old social bit you get to pull off sometimes. You guys,

when you brush your teeth, do you brush your tongues? Yes. Yeah. I get way back there on the egg sometimes. This is a thing I've been doing. Do you guys brush the roof of your mouth? No.

No. Oh, actually, because sometimes my shit gets clammy. Mine's mostly stained glass. Are we still talking about cumming? No, I don't cum in my mouth. Sometimes my shit gets like, I gotta get the stuff off. I just think people should be brushing the roofs of their mouths. Don't make me feel bad

about my body. I would never. I just think people should be brushing the roofs of their mouths. Don't make me feel bad about my body. I would never. I would never. Your whole thing is people should be brushing the roofs of their mouths. That's not my whole thing. But that's one of your things.

Don't attach that to me. That's your cause? Another one of your things is a lot of hair on your forehead. Oh, it's not anymore. It's a good head of hair, you fucking Irish mush mouth.

Is that what you call Irish people? Yes. I like white guy racism the best. He calls me all kinds of bad shit when no one's around. Yeah, is that what I do? I don't do it on fucking public.

Yeah, you call him bad shit to like 50,000 people a week. And then you're such a dickhead. You're always like, I don't know why Shane would, I don't know why Shane would think, I don't know why he would be mad. Meanwhile, two hours before, you're like, Shane, that fucking dickhead cries in front of women all the time.

And then you're like, I can't believe these men. Anyways, for my second pick. I'm team Shane. Just trying to move it forward, Carmelo. The other, thank you, I appreciate that. I know it's your ship, but I just want to get some buoys up. The tea kettle's getting hot. I was about to unload on both of these knuckleheads.

You want to see what it would look like? Guys, stop. Please. So almost hitting something with your car. Really quick, the other dumb car accident I got, I was going to Southern Oregon University, one of the best colleges in Southern Oregon. There's that in the gas station. Not the best colleges in Southern Oregon. There's that and the gas station.

Not the best. Is it really not the best college? Not the best, one of them. We were driving back to Portland, and I was the only one awake in the car. I feel terrible about this. It was so rainy. We were in Central Oregon.

We were driving past Eugene. It gets mad rainy. If anyone is from Oregon, it gets, like, weird rainy, like, is from Oregon, it gets like weird rainy, like near Eugene, where it's like the air is more water than air. And I had a semi-side-swiped a car, and everybody slammed on their brakes, and I slammed on my brakes, but it wasn't quick enough.

And so I knew I was going to hit the car in front of me, so I went, ah! Like you would do like a joke to people, except it was real. And that woke everyone up, so they were like asleep and then awake, and then we were hitting a car. For my second. They never caught me. Go on.

For my second pick. Go on. Is checking someone in a customer service situation. Oh, that shit feels so good. When you're like, don't fucking talk to him like that. Yes, that's exactly.

I was checking into my hotel. Oh my god. You're right. Because it's such a fucking bully mood. I currently work customer service and I'm thrilled that you picked that. Yeah? Yes. Shut up.

That's bad customer service. That's why your name's on your shirt. Yeah, I love it. I love it when that happens. I love it when somebody does it for me. Oh, it's... That happened in Palm Springs. They were trying to kick me out because they're fucking douchebags.

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, no. No, this isn't one where I was talking about coming. Oh, different time? When we were in the other bar. Oh. We were asleep. Yeah.

So I was checking into my hotel, and I was on the road, and this woman next to me was so fucking shitty, she was just like, I don't know why it's so goddamn hard. She was just yelling it. Yeah, yeah. And I was standing next to her she was just like, I don't know why it's so goddamn hard. She was just yelling it. Yeah, yeah. And I was standing next to her, and I go, what is your problem?

Yo. And she looked at me, and she was like, and she started to, she was ready to unload. She had both barrels ready, and I was like, I don't work here,

but you're fucking rude. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Damn. Because it's just a fucking rude. Yes! Yes! Damn. Because it's just a fucking person. That's the best shit. And I travel as much as anybody and it sucks. I get it. But god damn it.

Don't unload on people who are just doing their fucking job. Everybody's just going to work. You know what happened after that? That lady did get hit by a car. It was me? It was my car. Yeah. It felt so good to hear.

I just want to say, also, it's a good point because it's like, a lot of times that shit will be happening in a situation, and people will let it go down. But as soon as somebody outside is like, whoa, don't do that, then it stops the whole shit. There's a very Spartacus moment. Yeah, and then everybody's like, no, fuck this lady, or fuck this dude, or whatever. So if you see that shit happening, you gotta do that shit. Anybody has a heart.

Even our sweet boy right here did it. Yeah, Sean will do it. Sean hates rude people. Sean will stick up for everybody but me. I would do it for you in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't need to because it wouldn't happen to you. But there was this person who went to the wrong

gate. It was their fault. They went to the wrong gate in the airport. And this dude was yelling at this lady. And I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was sort of awkward. You said, do not make me call upon my grandma. I said, Irish or Thai? Karate. Taekwondo. Do not make me call upon my grandma. Hoppido. I said Irish or Thai? Karate.

Taekwondo. Shotokan. Did I tell you I bought a Larry Hoover super karate t-shirt? You did not. They're for sale. They call me Big Meech. Larry Hoover. What did they do?

Of course they're for sale. Larry Hoover's a marketing genius. Larry Hoover's super karate, you? Of course they're for sale. Larry Hoover's a marketing genius. Larry Hoover's super karate. You kidding me? Sean Sensei. Sells t-shirts on the internet. And I bought one. It was like 28 bucks.

Of course it was. You bought a shirt from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Or a Gildan t-shirt. Fuck him. No, that's an amazing picture. I do have to say about your pick, when someone does check me on it, I do feel embarrassed.

Yo, that's good for us, too. I'm joking. I was positing a reality where I'm the one screaming at customer service. Why don't you go to grad school, you piece of shit? Are you talking to me? When you say, look at me, when you say endless pancakes,

what does that mean to you? There's a limit? You think that means I don't care if you're closing? Endless pancakes stopped at 11? Send it to my house. Endless pancakes. I came here.

And I'll have my dad look this contract over. He's an attorney at law. I'll have him look it over. You bring the pancakes to my domicile. I came here for a never-ending pasta board, Jeremy. I didn't buy a box full of packing envelopes to not leave with a bunch of pancakes.

When you spell crab with a K, that doesn't imply that it's fake crab. But yeah, that's my second pick. That's a great pick. Now that you've done virtue signaling, David, it's time for your... He's a saucy boy. I love it.

We don't see each other for so long. I know, it's like pent up. I don't know what's wrong with us, but this is how we show love. David, time to be a second pick. So I'm going to paint another picture. You're going on tour tomorrow, but you are $300 in the hole on your bank account. Because you just started getting money, you don't know how to do it yet. And you got this big, huge couch.

And so you felt like you needed to buy five bottles of Scotchgard to Scotchgard the couch and rug you just bought on Amazon as well. So now you're broke because they hit you with all the late fees, and you're like, fuck, I'm going on tour. My friends both have a lot of money. I don't know. I don't want to ask them for money while we're on tour. And then that fucking direct deposit hits. Oh my

God. You know that one? You know that one where you wake up at like 4.30 and you like go to your phone and you're like, this shit might be in here. Like that is like direct deposit hitting. Oh my God. That's the good DD. I have been paycheck to paycheck

except for the last few months my entire life. Yeah, now he's all the way check. And that direct deposit is, man, I checked it in the worst situations. Like, I'd be sitting in a bar just wanting to be like, I need more drinks. Obviously, I need more alcohol. And I'd check and be like, whoa, I just got paid like $400. Yeah, it's always like, get rid of this for me.

I'll buy a whole bottle of Fireball. Waiting to pay your check at a restaurant, you're like, no, I'll have more coffee. Yeah, yeah, please, please. No, I'm up. No, I actually love breadsticks. Keep them coming. I am awake. Let's get it done.

Yeah, man. Direct deposit hitting is like, oof. That's like saved my life on several occasions. I like cashing a check. Well, no. I mean, they're both great feelings. We're not picking one over the other, but they're both great feelings. You know how you can take a picture of the check and that does it now?

I don't do it. I don't like doing that. I like waltzing into the bank. Look at me. I'm the Monopoly guy. Like a 1920s Flap Cat. Flap Cat? Flap Cat? A Flap Cat?

What happened with Cakey Thick Flips, Doc? What I did, I took Flapper and Fat Cat and I conflated them. You ever conflate?

It's awful. Dude, all I want is a Fat Cat Flapper. I was a Flap Cat. I just like walking in and they're like, yeah, I got six checks. A lot of them are for 45 cents from entertainment partners.

I know the feeling. Sean, have you gotten a royalty check? No, I've never been on television. I've gotten a royalty check. I know you have. You're a talented man. I would do anything in the world for you. I love you to pieces.

Well, I hope you choke. We're going to share a bed tonight, Shane and I are. I'm not kidding. Oh, is that what the breakdown is? You're going to get in the bed? Yeah, we're going to come in the club. We have two hotel rooms and three beds. And I've been trying to do the math on who was going to get the short straw.

Since we got the fucking hotel room. Shane's going to get the long straw since we got the fucking hotel room. Shane's going to get the long straw. I'll tell you that real quick. Well, if you think nine inches is long... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. These guys? I'm not going to... Hold on, I'm not going to let that pass.

Nine inches is long, Shane. Nine inches is a long penis. Oh, wait, were you trying to front like nine inches wasn't long? Yeah. Nine inches is so long... It's not in Texas. It's a bum penis. Oh, wait, were you trying to front like Nine Inches wasn't long? Yeah. Nine Inches is still long. It's a bummer. Yes, in Texas.

That's just because we don't know how to do math. You mean that state full of insecure white dudes who need to carry guns all the time? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. In Texas, for sure. In Texas, for sure. I forgot about all those raids that aren't happening in Colorado.

Listen, we got big dicks. That's God's country. That's God's country. We got huge dicks in Colorado. Yeah, Ted Haggard has a huge dick. Answer to you. Answer to me. I don't know about the Colorado median dick size.

I was just excited. Big dicks in Texas. Is it huge peckers? Oregon. All right. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. Notice nobody said North Dakota. And nobody should because I'm not frippin' from there. So,

my second pick is going to be when you have a sandwich, I'm going to say a burger. I'm already on board. I'm going to say a burger, but this can work with pretty much any sandwich, but it works best with a burger. And you take a couple bites, and then you take one off the right side, one off the left, and then there's

a big, huge bite right in the middle. You've set it up, you've framed left, and then there's a big, huge bite right in the middle. You've set it up. You've framed this bite, and there's everything you want, like the middle of the burger, and you're like, yuck. And then you take that bite. It is one of, I have goosebumps. It is one of the best feelings in the whole world. That's like an immigrant Thanksgiving.

That is. You know what I mean, though. Yeah. No, it's not. I feel like moved spiritually by that pick. You didn't get the love it deserved. Hold on. I very rarely exercise my executive privilege.

I'm about to right now. Let's go ahead and give that pick not a standing, but a seated ovation. Thank you. Let's go ahead and give that pick, not a standing, but a seated ovation. Setting up a bite. That is a visionary pick, dude. Shane and David were just kibitzing over here. They said they don't do that. You don't do that? Did you say kibitzing?

I did. Davidson called somebody boobie earlier. Yeah, I did call you boobie. I called Sean boobie. What we were saying, I don't, maybe I'm a fuck, I don't do that. I've never tried it. I wouldn't say. I do it with damn near every sandwich.

Give it a shot, dude. Next time you're eating a Sango, do it a shot. Seriously? I did it today. Maybe we'll go to Pat and Bub's tomorrow and get a sandwich. So you're saying you eat, you try another local reference. That's a, yeah. This one didn't go on the show.

Hold on. Well, maybe we'll go to Ben's Chili Bowl. Yeah, then listen to Go-Go Tapes. No, but hold on. This sandwich thing. Yes, please. So you're saying, what if it's like, so you eat, but it's all the same sandwich. This is fucking me up. Well, okay, but like, so you know there's a burger. I'm having trouble. It's like, so you eat, but it's all the same sandwich. This is fucking me up.

Well, okay, but like, so you know there's a burger. I'm having trouble. It's like a Tetris piece. The bread goes over the meat of the sandwich. Yeah, I know how a sandwich works. Well, then act like it, motherfucker. Is this a real sandwich with vegetables? Or this is one of your cheese omelettes?

One of my five-year-olds. If you'll allow me. Sure, go ahead. Please. What if I wasn't going to? It's still going to happenyear-olds. If you'll allow me. Sure, go ahead. Please. What if I wasn't going to? It's still going to happen. Go ahead. If you'll allow.

I wouldn't. If you said no, I'd back off. Please. It's a firmer bread situation. Like a Dutch crunch? At the high end, yeah, but also within.

Like a croque madame? I mean, like a Dutch crunch. It's a firmer bread. It's not a floppy bread. It's a firmer bread. And you bite on one side of it. Sounds like a sympathy. Are we talking about whole or triangles?

We're talking about, what? Is it? Oh, hey, hey, hey. You know what I'm saying? Either way, either way. Don't you dare judge this man. It works better on a whole sandwich. On a submarine, it's harder to do, but you can still pull up.

But I'm talking about, what about the triangles? I fuck with triangles. You can still do it on a triangle, it's harder to do, but you can still pull But I'm talking about the triangles. I fuck with triangles. You can still do it on a triangle, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, because you've got a long, flat surface. Hold on. Shut up. I'm with you now. Are you getting on board? On the triangle, I need you to break it down to a remedial math. You take a bite?

Yeah. It's a pretty good bite. Uh-huh. Move over here. You take another bite. It's a pretty good bite. Uh-huh. Move over here. You take another bite. It's a pretty good bite. And what's left is a portion of the sandwich that is so much surface area. You know what I mean? Like panchia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's all middle sandwich.

It's all middle. It's all middle sandwich. And you see it there. And it's just hanging out. So not only. Oh, I jump in from the corner. I'm not afraid of crust. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, I like crust too

but this is all middle sandwich and you see it there and it is better than a normal sandwich bite, you know what I mean? Like structurally and if you did the numbers, if you wanted to go like analytics, it is better but the fact that it's dangling there, you know what I mean?

That's the other thing. It's just sitting out there teasing you. It's like, uh-oh, you missed a spot. I'm like, I didn't miss anything. I wouldn't say I've been missing it. And it's just sort of bouncing and behaving. And then you go and you bite it. And then you also get the satisfaction of now there being sort of like a

unified front on the sandwich. Because you bit the dangling. I'm winning now. That's good. I honestly see it a little bit more now. I won't do it, but I will see it. Not to advocate so strongly for your pick, but I really... I appreciate it.

It's one of my favorite picks in the history of the podcast. Coming! I've come and I've done the sandwich thing. I'll take the sandwich thing ten times out of ten. I don't believe that. I don't... Ten times out of ten! I know for a fact... Coming is a

cheap thrill, my friend. Yeah, it's free if you're doing it right, but that doesn't mean anything. Alright, I mean, I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll take down the isthmus bite, even though that's not technically correct. Spiritually, it is.

Sure. Mr. Carmel. Oh. Please, call me Dr. Carmel. Mr. Carmel's my father. Count Carmel.. Carmel. Mr. Carmel's my father. Count Carmel? Count Carmel. Way to bum everyone out.

I'd like it better if you were Count Caramel. Or maybe I want that for myself. Okay. Check into a hotel using Count Caramel. What's your name? Count Caramel. If you can pull it off, I'll give you a $100 bill on this trip.'s your name? Count Caramel. I am the Duke of Marshmallows. On this trip.

Check it under Count Free Basie. I'm going to do it in Columbus then, on tour. Anyways. It's the instant. I like your nose. I wish your whole face was your nose.

You stole my fucking voice. I wish the whole billboard was just your nose. I love your nose. I wish your whole face was your nose. You stole my fucking voice. I like it. I wish the whole billboard was just your nose. I love your nose. Sam Elliott, what'd you do with Ian Carmel? That's Bradley Cooper, dog! That was Brad? Yeah. I call him Brad. You stole my voice. You stole my fucking

voice. You stole my fucking voice. You stole my fucking voice. You weren't saying anything with it. You stole my fucking voice. You stole my fucking voice. You weren't saying anything with it. You stole my fucking voice. Maybe it's time we let the old ways die.

Maybe. Can I have another double tequila soda? Maybe it's time we let the old ways die. Can I have one as well? I feel like I put enough space between telling the story from earlier and making this pick. Buen U, you have to take a shit. Damn it. Yeah.

100%. It is. When you have to take a shit, and then you take that shit. It is wild. And I'm not trying to double up on pics, but I feel like no one's going to take this. Also, I'm just going to say, when you have to, when you, when you,

when you defecate, when you pee, because also when you have to pee sometimes, you know what I mean? You know when you're somewhere and you're like, I almost like, difference between those things. You know when you can't like, you're like, I can't pee in the woods here. You're like in an American girl store

and you're like, where am I going to pee? I mean, the difference between a piss and a shit is the difference between the Final Four and an NBA championship. There are three physics majors who don't need to be out there at all. I don't know which one is the NBA championship. I was more on board until you got into the details. You get where I'm going know which one is the NBA championship. I was more on board until you got into the details. You get where I'm going. Which one is the championship? A dump.

If you're a dude, it's clearly taking a shit. I don't know, man. Sometimes. Really? Dude, because here's the thing. Let me just, and this is gross, but this is just how I feel about it. I've never asked. Thank you.

It's a couple of boys that like to party. I'm never like, okay, I was talking to you. I was talking to you. I'm never as worried with shit because I'm not going to shit my pants. I could pee my pants. Oh, no? You know what I'm saying? Does that make sense?

Are you serious right now? Oh, are you not? In my adult life... Maybe you haven't had to shit that bad. You've never shit your pants. Brother, I have had to shit. No, brother. I have had to shit.

Brother. You're gonna talk to me like that? Brother. In front of my friends? May I... In front of my friends? You say I can't shit? When we were driving back. You think I can't shit? When we were driving back.

You think I can't shit? Even earlier, even earlier. I don't know why I'm poking you. Now I'm in. Brother? Earlier today. I swear to God this is true. When we were driving here, in my head,

when the first wave of you have to shit soon hit me, I was like, okay, so if you do shit yourself in front of Sean and David, do we have a talk about how please don't bring that up on the podcast? Can I tell you this? I started estate planning for me shitting my pants. You know what I mean?

But here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. How many times in your adult life has you pooped versus you peed yourself? Oh. Twice. I've peed myself twice. I've shit my pants twice.

And I've shit my pants a couple times as well. Okay. Okay, so I went to this place. Low numbers. We're dealing with low numbers. All right. Well, here's what happened when I shit myself. I shit myself once.

This podcast is very caca pee pee. Yeah, it is very caca pee pee. I hope my mom. If I'm being honest. My mom has stopped listening at this point. I love you, mommy. Sue Carmel's smoking this one to the filter. Hi, mama. My mom doesn't know what a podcast is, so I'm all good.

Okay, so I just started an improv show. Don't judge me. And then I went to a party after the improv show. Improviser's party? Huh? Improviser's party? Oh, yeah. Oh, bro.

Yeah. It's not fun to watch, but improv kids and theater kids, they party harder than any ball band. They do weird drugs. Dude, they love

giving blowjobs. Theater kids. Fuck, dude. Yeah, that's true. The whole time when David and I were playing football and trying to put up

cool points, the theater kids were all blowing each other. Getting crazy blown. Underneath the pilot. Getting crazy blown. Just like, hey, I'm going to blow you under this death of a salesman tie. You know?

And then they would do it. I remember I was a virgin, and I was talking to this dude, Max Ripple, who played the trombone. And he was like, yeah. Yeah, he did. He was like, I fucked my girlfriend at her coffee shop that she works at. And I was like, I don't even have anyone's phone number. Dude, the nerds were fucking. Like, it was like, it blew my mind.

Because seriously, because I was like, I haven't even, I've seen two boobs one at a time, two separate times. And somehow you're younger than me and you figured out how to fuck in public like it well his name is Max Ripple and he was in theater he was like one of those guys man what an

incestuous the nerds were fucking so much more than the jocks that's the secret about high school they were getting it going if you were in symphonic band, dude, you also were fucking... Oh, the crazier, the weirder the word, thespians? Oh my god. You tell me a

thespian who hasn't been pregnant at least four times. I went right from playing defensive tackle to like the Portland State Theater program and once I got there, I was just like oh, so y'all been fucking for like a while. Like they were like... You know what I mean? It's like, so y'all been fucking for like a while. Like, they were like... You know what I mean? It's like you walk into a Spanish class

and everybody's like talking. You sang opera for college, you know. Yeah, you were fucking... You motherfuckers, you fucked everybody. You were getting those... Yeah, there's a few miles on the old dick. Oh, fuck you. When you put... You you. When you put...

You sheep. When you put the old in front of something, they're expecting a metaphor, not for you. You're a boy. Just say dick. There's a few miles on my old penis. I put a few miles on the old wagon wheel. Not my dick.

Not dick. A couple miles on the old Larry Bird jersey, you know what I mean? There you go. Yeah, that was a great joke. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great. A couple miles.

I feel you. Don't you dare. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shut up. Stop. Let me talk. Stop it. Let me talk. My it. Let me talk.

My mom loves me so much. My dad was withholding, but my mom's proud of me no matter what. Should we do a whole room, oh, great? I think that would be fun. He almost said, oh, great. All right, on the count of three. One, two, three. Oh, great.

I don't even know I'm friends with you guys. That was sick. I hope something happens that is awful. Stop. How awful? To every one of you. But not that bad, right? Like, you just hope we all ate.

Well, none of them sound like me. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I forgot to finish the story. So we, improv party. Please, sorry. I ate at this place called Pita Pit, which is like a West Coast chip. And I've gotten food poisoning

from there twice. And you still went back. I got it the first time and I was like, well, no one else was open. And I went back and I was walking over the Madison Bridge in Portland, Oregon. I was like halfway over the Madison Bridge.

And I was like, okay, so you have to shit. And then, you know where you're clenching and you're sweating? This is such a gross episode. This is the grossest. You're clenching and sweating. Were you about to bungee a turd? I shit my pants. I'm sorry.

I feel like he's whispering. She's whispering. It's not usually like this. If he dragged you here because he's a fan, I swear to God. I swear to God, any other one. It's not usually this exact. It's not usually. I saw the whole exchange.

I saw her look. Because you're telling the story, and she's just like. And he was like... I swear to God. The only thing that we have... It just happened tonight. One of you. Our product is honesty and that's all we have.

That's also true. We are very honest. We don't normally talk about shitting our pants. That part is true, but I shit my pants that night. I shit my pants on the Madison Bridge, a beautiful view of Portland, Oregon behind me. Shining like a treasure chest, nestled in the pine and the lush forests of the West Hills.

There it was, the big pink building. The coin center. You know what I mean? Portlandia. Facing away from me, appropriately, because I was shitting my pants. I shit my pants on the bridge, and then I walked across the bridge, and I went to the Jolly Roger. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went to the Jolly Roger. The pirate-themed

sports bar. To try to, because I still had to shit. Of course, when you shit your pants, you shit the minimum. You know what I mean? You're like. Just enough to have to be like. Yeah. All right. For now.

And also. You're like the club. Can I say, she keeps looking at me like she doesn't believe me. It's true. You said that. You said that and she was like. When you shit your pants. When you shit your pants, like the club's on.

No, she believes that you shit your pants, when you shit your pants, like the clubs are. No, she believes that you shit your pants. Oh, no, I'm moving on because I don't care what she thinks. I love you, but I don't care what you think. So I shit my pants. You're welcome. And we're so glad you're here. But if you think I. We don't know that she's judging anyone.

I don't think she is. I think you shit your pants. Have you? Is this an early date? This is going crazy. Is it an early date or a later date? Later? Are you married?

You want to come tell a story about when you shit your pants? No. I can't make anyone do that. That's gnarly. I'm not going to make her do it. Well, I know, I know. No, we don't want this. You say no? Yeah.

Except, oh, she's not allowed to talk about it because of Langley. She works at Langley. Wait. Can I say? She works at fucking Langley, bro. He's the square. Oh, I read this whole thing wrong. Oh, because I am.

Oh, my God. This is like, you just Kaiser Sosayed me. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. I ever tell you about that barbershop. Our boy is not lame.

A lot of you can't see, but our boy right here is fucking shining in some like, He does look cool. In some like good ass shorts and like a tight button up. And you got,

God's got a necklace on and God is like a thick hero. Also, he's here with like a fucking, Multipleup. And you got, what looks like, God's got a necklace on, and God is like a thick hero. Also, he's here with like a fucking, Multiple rings, I think. Also, and I don't mean to objectify you,

I never would. This guy's got seven rings. Watch out. She's hot as fuck, and he's like here with his fucking hot lady, and he doesn't want to talk about shit in his pants.

I get it. I get it. Yeah. But I do. And I went to the Jolly Roger Roger which is a bar in Portland, Oregon with the intention of both finishing the shit and cleaning up the situation

that I had put myself into and the bathrooms there don't have doors on the stall no there don't have doors on the stall. No, they don't. And the toilet is right in front of the door that enters the bathroom. Why do they always do that? At this point, I had cobbled together a little bit of notoriety in the row sitting.

So the option that I was presenting with people was throw this door open and see local comedian Ian Carmel trying to shit into this toilet. 30 bucks on my premium Snapchat. Or trying to clean up his underwear in the bathroom of the Jolly Roger. So I just walked home where Shane was probably waiting for me. We lived together. This was an Ash Street situation. Oh. I threw my underwear away before I walked into the apartment.

And then later that night, I threw the pants away as well. I like how you're trying to save the pants and you walk over and you're like, pants are gone. No. Pants didn't make it. This was pre-Rich Homie Cars. I like how you're trying to save the pants, and you walk over, and you're like, pants are gone. Pants didn't make it. This was pre-Rich Homie Cars. I had no money, and I was still like,

oh, it's hard to get rid of a pair of pants. I remember you walked in the door that day, and I was like, Ian, why can't I see your penis? I was like, because the lights are on. So taking a shit when you really have to take a shit is my pick, and my third pick... Oh to take a shit is my pick. And my third pick. Oh, my God. Jesus.

My third pick. Yeah. Hot corner. Hot corner. And my third pick. Oh, my God. Here's something that I've been feeling. Is your head.

Is it putting all the poop back up in? Come on, man. I thought that was one of the funniest things I've ever said in my life. Well, it won't be on TV. Put the poop back in. This tour is tearing us apart. I apologize.

Much like Fleetwood Mac. And your third pick is what? I call this the Fleetwood Mac of the podcasting world. I apologize. He really does think it's super funny. I really do think it's super funny. Please, Ian, go ahead. All right, third pick.

We got to... Yeah, I'm in. You all right? I don't think you are. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Tickle boys.

Pick a satisfying feeling. Shut up. Okay. Stop. I'll be quiet. Don't. All right. Stop it. Shut up. Okay. Stop. I'll be quiet. Don't. All right. Stop it.

Touch it. Don't. Please. Stop telling me what to do. Come on. You know how much I love you. Stop it. Baby life.

I'm going to make a pic. What is going on? Ladies and gentlemen, you're the Laker Girl. This is a weird episode, man. This is one of the lost tapes for sure. Oh, Laker Girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should only put this one out bootleg style.

We shouldn't release it. We should send it to one of the listeners and have you put it out. Yeah, yeah. You guys distribute. We don't want our hands on this. We just call it Wu-Tang's last album. It's like the way Henry Rollins releases his albums.

We might sit on this one for a while. So like, not because it's bad, just because it's fucking weird, man. Can I? Go ahead, Johnny, sorry. Oh, I wasn't, I was just saying I like weird. My third pick! I made the earth sick.

I'm going to take your head hitting the pillow in your bed after you've been on the road for a long ass time. Damn it. Holy buckets. No, because it's so, man, that shit is like, I've been out for like six, seven weeks, and I used to like not live anywhere. I lived on a couch, and it still was like the best feeling of coming home to my couch that was my home. Dog, I was fucking in, it was like, I don't know, May?

It was May? Yeah, it was when you were gone like a whole month, yeah. I was gone in May. I went to, this will sound like flexing, but it was just for work. It was gone in May. I went to, this will sound like flex, but it was just for work. It's not a flex. I went to London for work. Fancy. I love, I love, I love.

Let's have a bunch of Z-Fanny, love. I went to London. And then, Fanny means vagina. I haven't told you this this whole time. We've been doing this. You didn't know that about that bit? You thought you were. Fanny means vagina. I haven't told you this this whole time. We've been doing this. You didn't know that about that bit? You thought you were. Fanny means butt.

Nope. Not in English? Seriously? Oh, honey. No way. There is no way. Look at me. Look at me in the face.

Fanny means vagina? The slang fanny is vagina? I swear on the idea of OutKast doing one more show that fanny means vagina. I've been saying that in front of people. They call a vagina a fanny? Yeah. Because it certainly means fuck here. That's why the fanny pack never caught on there.

Well, I had no idea. Oh, that's so funny. That's what they call the pussy posse in London. The fanny pack? All right. Yeah. Nominated for an Emmy. We went to London.

I was in London for a week and some change. We went to Paris and we were there and then we were back in London for a week and some change. We went to Paris and we were there and then we were back in London for a couple more days and then I had to go to New York to work on the Tonys and I was there for like a week and some change. Which is all dope. Like you're stoked. All dope.

All dope. And then we came back to L.A. for fucking three days and I thought I was going to have those three days at home and then a shoot came up with a major celebrity that I can't talk about. David Borey. It was David Borey. We know it was not Sean. It wasn't me. I don't do TV.

He doesn't do TV. And then so I had to like I fucking got home Monday morning, went to work. We shot two episodes and then I went home for two hours and then a car was waiting for me at 11pm outside the house to take me

to the shoot. So then I went there and they drove out to the middle of the desert and then we were there for a day, and then I came back, and then we went to London again for like a week, and then I finally came home, and after all that shit, I fucking got into my room and then my bed was there.

And it's not a special bed. It's a nice bed. It's just a fucking bed. It's a nice bed. You know what I mean? It's got sheets on it. You've seen them. I've seen them.

It's got a comforter. Yeah, we know about that. Nice bed. It's got between two and four pillows, depending on how fitfully I slept the night before. Do your De Niro and say it's a pretty good bed. It's a pretty good bed. It's got between two and four pillows, depending on how fitfully I slept the night before. Do your De Niro and say it's a pretty good bed. It's a pretty good bed. No kibitzing.

And I laid down in that bed after that fucking month, and my head hit that pillow. And I don't know if there's been a better feeling I've ever, I was just like, yeah, dog! You're not getting any Marriott Bonvoy points for this. It just felt so fucking good. Knowing I'm in my bed, all my weed's right there outside my door.

Sean Jordan is just, ooh, 3.5 seconds to the left. It just felt so fucking good, 3.5 seconds to the left. Just feels so fucking good, man. I don't know if I can fully explain it. Some of y'all know. Some of y'all get to sleep in your bed every night. And some of us, I mean, the job comes with so many perks, but one of the drawbacks is every now and then you don't get to be in your own bed for like a long-ass time.

You don't have to tell me. I've been out for seven weeks, eight, nine weeks. Right? That shit is crazy. And when you finally sleep back in your own bed for like a long ass time. You don't have to tell me. I've been out for seven weeks. Eight, nine weeks. Right? That shit is crazy. And when you finally sleep back in your own bed, I don't know. It's just like you're a person. You can stop going so hard. And also, we have good tours now, but I used to tour like gross.

I'd be out like, I'd be like literally, I've had tours where I was literally like had to sleep on the floor next to dogs. And you're just like, I hate Tulsa. Dog! I was in your home city. Adam Kane Holland brought me out to do the Grawlix and a couple other shows.

And he was like, you can crash at my house. And I didn't have any money, so I was like, great. And I slept in a bed in his guest room that his dog normally sleeps in. And I am allergic to dogs, bro. Some people are like, I'm allergic. I'm allergic. But I didn't,

what else was I going to sleep at a place that has money? Not that weekend. I slept in that bed and at Elevation. I slept 45 minutes. I had to jack off a bunch. I'd jack off and I'd fall asleep

for like seven minutes. That's David's pick. I'd wake up again. One time in St. Louis, I woke up to this baby crawling on me. Because I passed out because we were staying with this comic. And I passed out because it was like my second tour, right? So I was going on. Who books that?

What? I think it was Matt Conte. You probably know. I think it's Murphy Lee. So I passed out on this dude's floor like just drunk and 22. And then I was like, I woke up and I felt like slapping on my face. Oh, yeah, those baby hands. But it was a baby that couldn't quite walk yet.

So it obviously thought I was its table. You know what's crazy? You know when they can't walk, so they gotta put their hands on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To like move her. And it was like and the baby was walking around my head and I opened my eyes and everybody was just standing there laughing and pointing.

That's the worst thing in those early days. That baby, shout out to that baby though. That baby was cool. We like, we hung out later. It was like pretty cool. You know when you like sleep, you're like, yeah, you can crash in my living room on the couch. I'm like, great. And then somehow this is the day the whole family wakes up at six. If you have a strange man sleeping in your house, tell them you have children.

Yeah. It is, to wake up to, you're just like. Also. You think you're just like... Also... You think you're in the wrong house? Also, if you put your couch up for someone to crash on, sleep in that day. Sleep in till nine. But also, thank you for letting me crash everyone.

And also, these are very comedian-specific complaints, and we should move on. Yeah, this is... Anyway, my head hitting a pillow. I feel like they were resonating. Yeah. Was that two or three? I don't think it did resonate.

That was my third pick. It's three. Oh. We're going to keep it moving. Bless you. Yeah, we got to. The show's been like. Sean.

Sean, go ahead. Your third pick. My third pick is going to be when you're on a road trip and you're going to a city. You're going to a big city. And then you're on a road trip and you're going to a city, you're going to a big city, and then you're on the freeway and then you pull up at that one point where you can see the skyline of the big city that you're going to.

Oh, yeah! To me, that is absolutely, there's a place, there's a part on 35W North where you're going to Minneapolis and you just come over a hill and you're like, damn, there's Minneapolis. It's been, it's so sick, it's so satisfying, you're there, you did it, and that's what we've been doing on a lot of this trip. Like just seeing the skyline, like dogs.

New York? Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, no one's picking Sioux Falls. Man, I was trying to be all nice and earnest and there he goes. It's a dump. Shane's an amazing comedian. Buy his album.

Establish an idea. Yo, you do that like it erases the fact that you spit poison at my man. Thank you, David. I don't know what's going on. I'm Team Shade, bro. Not like the scenic skyline of Fort Worth. You're goddamn right. What the fuck does Fort Worth skyline have?

There it is. Well, it was the last place Kennedy ever slept. That's something. I don't... Oh, shut up! I'm not taking shit off of you. You fucking people tweet and Instagram at me like I don't have any goddamn feelings.

You motherfuckers. And now that I'm here entertaining you, you fucking blips, you want to, ugh, when I talk about where I'm from, kiss my 10-inch dick.

Yeah, right. Oh, because it's one inch bigger than nine. dick. Yeah, right. Oh, because it's one inch bigger than nine. You're goddamn right it is. Pulling up and seeing a skyline, I think, is one of the most satisfying feelings in the whole world. I love it. I got, like, a real honest dick, you know what I mean?

I got, like, a fucking... Like it doesn't gamble. I got, like, a... Yeah! Like, my dick, like, had a drinking problem in its early 20s, but got clean, and now it owns a construction business. Your dick, it accidentally stole some lotion from a store one time because it was like one of those little travel lotions.

My dick is in here. And then it brought it back because it's so honest. Like, hey, I accidentally stole it. My dick, like, brings its family to TGA Fridays. You know what I mean? Your dick sees a dick like it that it reminded it of when it was a kid. You know, I was a lot like you. When my dick is driving

its Ford F-150 to work and it sees another dick driving a Ford F-150 to work, it gives it a funny little hunk. I'm picturing dicks doing all this stuff and it's pretty tight. Yeah, they were, Sean. My dick's wife

is friends with another, and he'll go over for dinner, and while he's there, he'll fix their fucking light fixture. You know what I mean? He's like, oh, that's like 15 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're drinking coffee in the living room, and in the meantime, he's like, yeah, your air conditioner should stop rattling. And then your friend dick's wife tries to hand you 40 bucks, and you're like, no.

No, no, no, no. You just say, make more of that apple pie. Oh, shit. You know what? Instead of money, I'd like some more of that meatloaf. I'll tell you that right now. Some of that meatloaf to take home is just as good as money. Cheryl, I should be paying you for that meatloaf.

Are you kidding me? Please don't use my mom's name in this. Lydia, I should be paying you for that meatloaf. Are you kidding me? Lydia. Yeah, man. See you at Skyline. I'm in.

I feel it, dude. It's an amazing feeling. Thank you. That was an interesting question. Was that a Wedding Crashers reference? Was she ever? I don't know what she's... Wait. Wedding Crashers.ers reference? I don't know what she's... Wait, Wedding Crashers, true story.

I don't know what she's ever doing up there. David, time for your third... Okay, time for your third pick, and then, you know... Lightning rounds. I really went back and forth on this. I want to say that this is not a good thing to do, but when it's justified, man, punching somebody right in the fucking mouth.

Like, like, man, I just blame it. I love how you, I went back and forth, not saying it's cool. Blame it on Elizabeth, but like when somebody like, just man, I'm not even going to go into specifics, but like when somebody like... Blame it on the... Man, I'm not even going to go into specifics, but like when somebody and you're like, oh, and when you find out what it is and you're like, oh, man, it just feels good. I get it.

You said it, you said it, I get it. Because it's like stopping it. It's like you've done a behavior that is so bad that I have to do a wild thing to you. And it's like the best feeling of being like, all right, yeah, you don't know or you slapped her ass. Yeah, now I got to fucking punch her in the mouth. There's a little bit of like, just like,

you hit them and then they look at you and you're like, I swear to God, if you do it again, and then you just... And I don't think anybody... I don't think anybody should hit anybody ever, but when it's justified, that shit feels incredible. You're like a superhero from the feels incredible. You're like a superhero from the 30s, you know?

You're like, because of your actions, I've had to call upon truth! Also, and justice! I also feel like, I also feel like,

Blammo! I also feel like me framing it this way makes it seem like I'm way tougher than I am, so I've never really done that without, like, a lot of tough friends around. Yeah it seem like I'm way tougher than I am. So I've never really done that without like a lot of tough friends around.

Like, I'm not just like at a Walgreens like, oh, you stole some shit? Like, it's like very controlled

when I do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You asked for honey oat and you know they don't have that because there was a printout on the door? That's not to beat your ass, dude. I meant like more like

you stole from my friend. Are you going to walk into the subway like you think avocado is an extra? Not your day, player. Today ain't your day, dude. Tomorrow doesn't look good either. I'm going to come back and beat your ass again tomorrow. I hate the morning paper to have bad news, but the headline says it ain't your day right now.

You think they got profit margins where they don't have to charge extra for avocado? Oh, shit. You mean it's going to cost 5 cents You're going to be picking up your teeth with broken fingers, my friend. You fucked up so bad tomorrow ain't your day. You know what I mean? That's Sean and I's vibe, dude.

We run that all over Glendale. I've never said any of that cool stuff. All over Glendale, dude. I've thought about it in my head, but in the moment, it's usually me too emotional. Like, you don't tell that to her! You don't tell that to her! Or when you're about to get in a

fight, you say some stupid shit. You're just like, man, I knew you were trying to fucking hit us tonight, but you're going to fucking back me into a corner where I'm going to take my broom out and sweep you into the mop bin, bro. My heart's too big for violence. Even as a kid, I'd get in fights, and I'd be crying afterwards. And I wouldn't even know what happened.

That's all I ever did. The teacher would be like, what happened? You're like, I don't know. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. It's just like two. I don't know how. So it's not like I'm not like. I didn't want to hurt him.

You got to talk. Every sentence sounds like sad DMX is saying it. Dude. I, in wrestling. I don't know what I did. Everything that I did. But I did. And I hit him in the face.

And I was sad. Yeah, that's what it is. And then you pray to Aaliy head. Yeah, that's what it is. And then you pray to Aaliyah. Yeah, I do that anyways. But yeah, hitting somebody in the face when they got it coming. Satisfying feeling. Praying to Aaliyah. I forgot that was the thing he did. Hey, fair,

shiny boy. It's time for your third and your fourth picks. Make them quick, Bobby. Alright. For my third pick. Oh, that's voice crack right there. I'll tell you what. Yes. It sure did.

I'm going to pick paying off your student loans. Oh, my God. That was a mixed response because we haven't all done that yet. But at some point, we all will. And I'm sure that we'll know that feeling. I didn't even get loans. I knew I wasn't going to be there for a while. They were like, you want some loans?

You know what? That makes you smarter than Sean. Man, finding weird ways to sneak him in, isn't he? All right. I love you to pieces. I can't wait to share a bed later. I hope you eat a turd tonight. I'll give you a foot rub.

Ten bucks says they fucked tonight. You're not touching those feet. Thanks for the ten bucks. I got nice feet. I bet you do. You have a nice personality and a great sense of humor. You know why it feels good to pay off your student loan, so I'm going to just keep it.

I'm going to roll right into four. I had to do it twice. What? Wait, you got to flex both arms, don't you? Yeah, I mean, I'm doing well. Everybody knows. Yeah. You know, what, I got to jump on the trampoline?

Everybody knows I got hops. I paid them off one time, and I was like, fuck, yeah, dude. You paid off these student loans. You had like $65,000 worth at one point. You did it. You fucking nailed it. You ignored it for a long time. You just pretended they didn't exist.

You'd get a letter, and you'd be like, ha ha, garbage. Thanks for the toilet paper. I'm broke. And then you eventually did it. And I felt fantastic. Did somebody boo me paying off my settlement? I don't think so.

I don't think it's a common feeling. I'll fight you in front of a statue of Abraham Lincoln. The whole time he's going to be like, yeah, school. Hey, I'm with you, boo lady. I've paid off two things total of like $800. I ain't paid off shit. Come get me.

You can't. You make hella money now. You can't fucking grab that block. And then I got a letter. After I thought I had paid off my student loans, it was like, yeah, you still owe like another. Was it from Pussy May? It was from Pussy May. That was a weird Fannie Mae joke that didn't work.

Yeah, I didn't land, but it was all right. I got another letter that was like, you still owe like $12,000. And I was like, how many people did I borrow money from? I was 19. They let me make all those decisions. You're like, because that's what's fucked up about still loans. You're like 19, and they're like, how much free money do you want? You're like, as much as I can get.

Do you want a 2004 MacBook? I want as much free money as I can get. Obviously. How many Charisma and Peter Butterwolf CDs do I want to buy on someone else's money? All of them. Yeah, obviously. Let's go ahead and do that.

I have $100 left. So I got to do it twice. I paid it off once and I felt good about myself. But also, when I paid it off the first time, I was like, there's no way that was all of it. Well, I didn't go to enough college. Anyway, great feeling. Sorry to talk so much.

No, no, no, no, no. You have college. Your fourth pick. I'm saying this quick because I drank so much, and I just have to pee, but I'm just picking. This hasn't happened yet, but the day Ted Cruz dies, I'll... Nice. You could have gotten one bigger. I feel like you could have gotten one bigger.

You could have gotten one bigger. Well, you look, like... Shane, he thinks he has a lot of good business ideas. Look, as... This country's a business, and it needs to be run as such. I got you, Shane. I know there's a bigger thing. We all know that one.

But as a native Texan. When the bigger one does die, oh, my God. Oh, God. You think David was happy when he came in this pic? I'm eating a whole trail of lasagna that night. I'm always happy when I come. Don't do that to me. I just,

like, as like a native Texan and a person who loves where they're from, I fucking hate that son of a bitch so much, and I can't, honest to God, think of a happier feeling when he's done. And I don't

want anyone to die, but I do want him to, it's him to say it this way. Shane Torres. You know the way Sean Hannity reads facts? That is what Ted Cruz does. He's a... I just, I don't... Ain't nobody arguing with you.

Ain't nobody arguing with you. Ain't nobody arguing. He makes all of us seem like shit, and I try hard to be a good ambassador for the state of Texas, and he fucking sucks, and there's nothing bad enough that can happen to him. I like him.

I like the way it looks like his nose is trying to kiss his chin. I will say, and I don't use this word a lot, he does have a supple body. Yeah! It looks like you could fuck every part of that dude. Yeah! Well, he's fucking every part of this country.

Oh! Sugar Shane. For everybody listening at home, Shane has two machetes, and each of them have... And they're only used to cut me instead. One of them, it says Latin, where it's like, fuck the world. And the other one, it has Latin, where it says, what's a different... E pluribus unum? E pluribus?

In vino veritas? In vino veritas, it'd be pluribus unum? E pluribus? In vino veritas? In vino veritas in e pluribus unum. Yeah. All right. I'm sorry, guys. I have to take a leak. Carpe noctem?

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, go take a leak. Go take a leak. We got number four. I'm close to my damso. How well is Shane doing? What a guy. Yeah, he's...

He is amazing. I'm really all for him. He's so funny. I'm thrilled that we're friends. He's so funny. I'm thrilled that we're friends. He's so charming. All right. Somebody yelled something.

I imagine what they yelled was, Shane's doing great. We all love him. You know, something like that. Probably. They were just like... They should buy his album. They should buy his album.

David? This is specifically when you're at a laundromat and you've been there forever and you didn't even want to do laundry because you got paid in cocaine the last gig, but you have to do laundry. So these are all the fucking quarters that you've stolen from your roommate's room.

You got paid in cocaine. It's pulling out... Not the right kind of quarters. It's pulling out that last load of laundry. Yeah. It's just like... last load of laundry. Yeah. It's just like, because it's like, I don't know about you guys. I let that shit pile up too big. Too big.

And then I'm like at the laundromat not wearing underwear like, you did this to you. Like, you put yourself here. You got Zubas on, no underwear, barely a shirt. You're like, that's all my fault. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pulling out my last little laundry. It feels good. You got, like, Reebok shorts that you didn't buy.

Oh, yeah. You're wearing all the... You're like, when did I get these? You're wearing all the shit your grandma got you for Christmas. Yeah. I got that Journey shirt that my mom got me because I told her I like Journey because everybody likes Journey. And she bought me nine Journey shirts over various Christmases. My mom one time, no idea where it came from, just bought me a T-shirt with a wolf on it.

It said, no new friends. Was that before you met Sean and I? Yeah. Thank God you didn't listen to that shirt, man. Yeah, it was super weird. Oh, Shane Torres! Sugar Shane. But yeah, pulling out that last it was super weird. Oh, Shane Torres! Sugar Shane. But yeah, pulling out that last load of laundry.

Great pick, Sean Jordan. Oh, no, you're all good. What's happening? What? Oh, yeah. No, it happens. It happens. What?

Nothing. Keep going. What'd you point out? Nothing. Nothing. Oh, are you admiring my sort of, sort of, like, avant-garde tower of, I feel like that's dangerous. I don't. Nah. Nah. Nah. Don't fucking. Shawnee, what's your point? sort of like avant-garde tower of... I feel like that's dangerous.

Nah, nah, nah. Shawnee, what's your point? Don't fucking tell me what to do. How am I the old guy tonight? I'm like, oh, don't do that. Don't touch that. I don't like it that you did that. No, no. Cheese and rice. Who the fuck's saying do it?

Someone's saying do it. Like, the venue has to clean it up. Anyway, my fourth pick. Yeah, go ahead. Pressure washing. Oh. Oh. That shit does feel...

Pressure washing. Oh. It is... Have you ever pressure washed concrete? Yeah. Did you say pressure washing? Yeah, like a driveway. Like, getting a pressure washer...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you ever pressure wash? What else was the pressure washer? Like a person? Siding on a house? No, it's only been cement. There's all kinds of stuff you can pressure wash. Yeah, it's on me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, it's like a reasonable tool. No, I tried to stunt on you. You did? And in the process? You know that I used to do construction. Reveal that I don't know that much about pressure wash. That's fair.

That's all good. Anyways, yes, pressure washing. Pressure washing, shit, man. Go down the driveway being like, fuck everything that's not supposed to be on this driveway. Shit is satisfying, bruv. Ian? In it.

Oi. Oi. What a pressure wash to driveway, bruv. Did they call it a driveway? In? In it. Oi. Oi. What a precious driveway, bruv. Do they call it a driveway? Oh, in England? Yeah.

Oh, no, they call it an automobile temporary location. Oh, he kissed you right in between the brows there. If you guys are going to kiss me, fucking kiss me. You know what I mean?

Pressure. What are you, Mimi Van Doren? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We'll chant kiss in a second. Did you say what are you? Did you say what are you? All right, well, I got to pee. I can't do it.

I called you out on the fresh washing thing when I didn't have the juice. I have the juice right now. Did you say what are you, Mimi Van Doren? No. Who's Mimi Van D juice? I have the juice right now. Did you say, what are you, Mamie Van Doren? No. Who's Mamie Van Doren? I said, Mimi Van Doren. Who's that? She was like a...

Walk us through that part, Bubby. She was like an actress in the 1930s who was a very sultry broad. Uh-huh. And she'd be like, she'd always have the lines in those movies. She'd be like, are you gonna kiss me or are you gonna kiss me? Nope.

Nope, nope. This guy knows. Old mustache brother knows. I have no idea. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Don't fucking look at the thing. You think the guy who looks like he was born and raised in Portland, Oregon, specifically 2015, is on your side and not my side.

Mamie Van Doren. Mamie, not Mamie. It's not a fucking arrested developer. I think it's Mamie, dog. Hey, maybe y'all should shut the fuck up. up. What a wild... We need to wrap it up. We can't happen.

When did you throw the chair? I don't know. I don't know. I thought this was a punk rock bar. Now you don't have a chair, dog. I'll stand. I could use the cardio. Thank you.

We're so sorry about that. Where's yours? It's right there. Oh. I barely threw it. It got out of hand while you were gone. It did get out of hand while you were gone. It did get out of hand while you were gone. Come on. Grab the chairs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Let's, uh... Calm down, you perverts. Damn, shit got weird while you were gone, dude. What? Let's not get into it. Okay.

Okay, that's fair. Shane went full Gigi Allen. That's not true. That was your pick. Partial Gigi. Because you shit yourself. Oh, I see it. Yeah.

Okay. Sean, we should wrap this up. We're about to. Sean, your fourth pick. Pressure washing. Pressure washing. Oh. Time for my fourth and fifth picks.

Yeah, we got to. It's 1040. You know what's wild is I'm, I mean, I know you've seen me drink quite a bit of... Stick around for the meat and grease. Quite a bit of tequila. I'm not even that drunk. We are going to take pictures with you guys.

Oh, yeah. We'll do this last round. It'll be like a lightning round, I'm sure. And then we'll all be... We'll give it like 10 and then we'll all be right up front. Yeah, we'll meet you out there at 1145. With my fourth pick, nailing a parallel park on the first try.

nailing a parallel park on the first try. Yeah, you guys know what that's like here. You know when you do that where you're just like... And you act like every time it's like that where you're just like...

You get out and you're like, oh shit, I didn't even notice. Yeah, yeah. People are like, wow, you nailed it. And you're like, huh? Huh? Shit't even notice. People are like, wow, you nailed it. And you're like, huh? Shit. No, you look good though.

Oh, the parking? I guess, yeah. It's weird that you can't do that in your Corvette. We're like, they're weird for bringing it up. You're like, I guess I nailed it. That was such a good park job. It's so tight when people do that that I will bring it up when I see it. I've actually walked up to people and been like, that was dope, I saw that.

Oh, yeah. That was a really good part. Jesus Christ, you really are from North Dakota. Because there's so many GD Nimrods out there, I'll tell you what, Mr. Torres, that cannot parallel park the right way. GD Nimrods. Haven't heard Nimrod in a while, have you? Not only did we win JD Power and Associates Award for Best Mid-Class Sedan, but we also won G.D. Nimrod's.

G.D. Nimrod gave me the most torque award for some reason. J.D. Power! And my final pick, for God's sake, for the love of paint. I'm drunk. That's nothing anybody couldn't figure out

by looking at your hair. Yeah, it's a good main, it's a good rug I got up here. It's a nice looking rug of hair. Ian, please go ahead, I'm sorry. Thank you so much. My final pick. My final pick.

Ooh. I just feel like it's going to be really good. Ooh. I'm calling the wind. It's your final pill. Ooh. You're a weird one, Torres. Let me do it with you.

Ooh. It's your final pill. It's your final pill. It's your final pill. It's your final pill. It's your final pill. The last one. Ooh. It's your final pick. It's your final pick. Let's ask for who. Pick the fucking shit.

I should've done. Stop it. Wow. That's how it felt. No, you're right. You're 100% right. Okay, my final pick. I got you.

Waking up in the morning and remember that it's either Saturday or Sunday. Yeah, dude. For sure. It does not get tighter than that. It's so rare, and it often happens the other way. We're like, I got hammered last night.

What day is it? Thursday? I wasn't expecting a Thursday. But when you wake up in the morning, you're like, oh, your mouth is so dry, and it tastes like a whiskey distillery fire happened in your mouth. And then you get your cell phone, and you click it, and you're like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's 740.

Oh, shit. Oh, it's 745. On a Saturday. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's a Saturday. And then, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

And then all of a sudden, it's just like, oh, I'm going to fucking sleep until two. And you throw your phone. And it explodes. I've actually punched my headboard. Like, where I've been like, yes! Yes! Yeah, for real. You fall through your bed into another bed that you fall through

into another bed that you fall through. You're like, oh, this might as well be a sheet of sand. This is like a bunch of dancing pillows who are like, welcome to sleepy world. And like, here you come, my sleepy girl. It doesn't matter. Gender's not important here. I'm a sleepy girl all the time.

Anyway, that's my final pick. Sean Jordan. My last pick is going to be very me. Barry Harrison. Me, bruv. Me. But for me, personally, not reading a book. Probably the most satisfying feeling I've ever had my whole life was doing my first kickflip on a skateboard.

And I understand that doesn't resonate with everybody. But if you do a kickflip on a skateboard, if you get yourself there, it is wild how satisfying that feeling is. I tried for hours and hours and hours for like a month straight. And I finally did one, and it was fucking crazy. I agree. Probably like you with your Crystar 900, yeah? I've done a lot of those. It was like me

with a kickflip. They pale in comparison to my first kickflip. I've done 45,000 kickflips at this point. Cakey, well, you've done

a bunch of cakey thick flips. David, time for your final pick. This one is also for me. Sorry to bring it down a notch. I live far away from my mom. I don't see her very often. It's every few years.

So hugging your mother when you haven't seen her in a long time. It's like, because it's like, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, it's your mom. You and me, for whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, this is your mom. Doc. You and me, for whatever, you and me are the same. So when I hug you, it's like, oh, man. St. Sue insists on picking me up from the airport every time I go to Portland. And every time I'm like, no, I'll take an Uber.

It's fine. You don't have to do that. It's such an inconvenience. And every time I see that red CRV pull up, it's like fireworks go off in my chest. I'm like, Mommy! That thing is tight. I remember when you'd come back. Do you throw your suitcase at the car?

I can't wait to be here! The thing about the Away suitcase is it's so durable that you can actually throw it right at the car. It's durable, Doc. That's a great pick, David. That's a great pick, David, yeah. I see my mom a lot, and it's still potent. No, yeah, for sure.

All right, Shane. Shake Shane. Oh, God. You already took coming. I can't believe it was still on the board. All over the board. Uh-oh. Look, some of us don't have to work blue, Sean.

Somebody found the on switch. What are we doing? What are we doing? This might seem... No, I don't think it does at all. Fuck y'all. Sean. Somebody found the on switch. What are we doing? This might seem no I don't think it does at all. Fuck y'all. Might seem rude is what it might seem.

When you're first starting to date someone and you get your first kiss from them. Oh my gosh. Oh yeah. It's insane. I'll say this. I was dating this gal and and she worked in music, and I came to see her, and she was working the show, and then I was at the venue, and she was like,

hey, come upstairs with me while I settle up. And then she was upstairs settling this venue, and this big band, what's that fucking? Big Bad Booter Daddies? No. Nine Inch Nails. The Knights. The Big Bad Booteroo Daddies? Nine Inch Nails. The Night Sweats. Oh, the Night Sweats? You're thinking of the Big Bad Voodoo

Daddies, I think, right? Can I have my moment? Ryan! Throw him back a bottle of Zeus to Ryan. Yeah, I'm listening. But she was settling up and then she just... Wait, wait, wait.

Was it the squirrel mud zippers? Might have been the boss tones. What are you guys talking about? White guy stuff. Clearly. Big time white guy stuff. Like honestly, the whitest guy stuff we've ever talked about. It's like you blacked out.

We're talking about different mid-2000s ska bands. Skank and Pickle? Oh, you mean like Real Big Fish? Yeah, I do a lot of different kinds of things. What were we talking about? Multiracial stuff. Shane, go ahead. Well, I really feel I've lost it.

You went upstairs to settle up. She had just finished a big show. The band was, as we've established, the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies. Go ahead. And we're sitting there and she counted out all this money, and she just looked at me.

American money. What? American money. Yen? Lira? What are we talking? American money. Okay.

And then I just, for whatever reason, I had the gall to just grab her and kiss her for the first time. Atta boy. Atta boy. She kissed me back, and then she put her hand on my chest like, oh, you. And then it was the best feeling in the world. She oh-you'd you. Yeah, yeah.

It's so good. Hell yeah. And that was a good thing? You kissed someone and she was like, oh, you. Oh, shit. See, this is why I'm alone. You're always smooching props. This is why they all moved to Los Angeles

and I moved to New York. I was trying to end on a sweet note. I'm on your team. You did. I thought it was amazing. I'll end on a sweet note. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. I don't know. Ah. You have the baritone. My voice is gone. Ian, beatbox us out. I don't beatbox on command. First kiss.

What are you doing? Pretty good pick. Yeah, yeah. That about wraps it up, huh? Yeah. What are you doing? Pretty good pick Yeah yeah That about wraps it up huh? Yeah With that pick That wraps up

The satisfying feelings All fantasy Everything's wrapped Just to recap I went first. What? You know, when the sun was still up. That's why this is so weird is because I went first.

Fucking dogs walking cats. My first pick was remembering something without looking it up. And then taking a shit when you have to take a shit. And then putting your head on your pillow after a long time away from your bed. And then parallel parking perfectly on the first try. And then waking up and my friends, you have no obligation to be anywhere that day.

Sean, you went second, and you took... Mayonnaise on your white bread. Was it the sandwich pick? Was that my first one? Perfectly, no. Perfectly moving? Mowing. Oh, perfectly mowing a lawn.

And then, eating a sandwich in such a way that there's one bite. Just dangling out there. And then. Jesus Christ, your pics are depressing. He doesn't take much to be happy. No, he doesn't. Because he's dumb.

Seeing the skyline on a road trip? Oh, dumb. Seeing the skyline on a road trip? Oh, he's seeing the skyline on a road trip. Jesus Christ. Every one of your picks was a nickel's worth of money. Pressure washing? And then pressure washing something. Shane. It was going to happen.

And then landing your first cakey thick flip. David, you went third with your first pick. Best pick in the draft, in my opinion. Yeah. That really is like taking George. With your first pick, you took coming. And then you took when the direct deposit hits. Damn, I forgot about that.

And then you took punching someone who has it coming. And then you took pulling the last load of laundry from the dryer. And then you took you haven't seen your mother in a while. And then hugging your mother. haven't seen your mother in a while. And then, hugging your mother. I stand by every pick. I love that. I appreciate it. Ian.

Shane. How are you, my brother? I can't stop winning. You took, with your first pick, almost hitting a car car but not hitting a car. And then you took checking someone in a customer service situation and they're being a prick.

And then you took paying off your student loans. There it is. There it is. And then you took the presumed feeling of Ted Cruz dying.

And with your final pick, you took the first kiss with someone where you're like, we're going to kiss at some point, right? It's a good feeling. Specifically upstairs in a music venue, I guess. Fantastic picks.

We left a lot of great stuff on the board. I mean, we left amazing shit on the board. I didn't leave a lot on the board. I said come on. I left some... Leaving the gym. Not said coming. I left some at leave. Leaving the gym. Not going or working out, but leaving the gym where you're like...

Changing attire. Yeah. Damn, I didn't even think about that. How about them apples from Goodwill? Cleaning a room. Cleaning your room. Getting it done. First time you and someone else see each other naked. Oh, yeah.

And you're like, tight. It's all out of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for me, that's always weird. For me, it's like, I hope you like Mayan sculptures. Listen, you said... I hope you enjoy ancient cultures for totally sculptures. Don't do that.

You're beautiful. Also, you saw me in a t-shirt. You knew what this was. I am beautiful, but I'm like round in a lot of ways that society doesn't expect men to be. I love you, God.

Finding something you lost. Oh, my God. Getting all of your clothes to fit back into your luggage. Oh, man. That goes right after my coming pic this morning. Accidentally wearing green on St. Patrick's Day. Ah, that's perfect.

Never, never once in my life. We want to hear your picks as well. Hit us at I Am All Fantasy. We're not at the thank you guys part. Not quite, not quite. We're not at the thank you guys part. This is where I talk you Irish fuck.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry too. I love you. We're going to be taking pictures. Hit us up, All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gml.com. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Shout out to the super producer Marissa. Patreon. Shout out to everyone who fucks with us on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Shout out to the super producer Marissa. Patreon. Shout out to everyone who fucks with us on the

All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Lisa Left Eye Lopez's ghost, which haunts all four of us every day. Shout out to Fatheads

All Day All Night. Shout out to Komodo Dragons. Shout out to John Waldong. Shout out to Fatheads All Day All Night. Shout out to Komodo Dragons. Shout out to John Waldong. Shout out to Bradley Beals Trade Value, bro. Shout out to Bobby Wurst. Shout out to Pulaski Park. Skate Spots All Day. Shout out to Wale.

Shout out to each and every one of you. Thank you for coming. Yeah. David, any Elizabeth-specific shout outs? Oh, Julia and Nick. Shout-out. I love you guys so much. Shout-out to Julia and Nick.

Shout-out to Julia's friend who's majoring in museum science. Shout-out to this fucking guy right here wearing a Blazers T-shirt. Shout-out to Damian Lillard and the Portland Trailblazers beating the Denver Nuggets in the playoffs this year. I don't know what you're talking about. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode

of All Fantasy Everything. Shake that good day! that was a hate gun podcast