All Fantasy Everything - Sea Creatures (w/ Blair Socci, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Under the sea, under the sea. Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me! (We're drafting sea creatures)   We're going on tour! Come see All Fantasy Everything live in Washington, Boston, New York and more! Find tickets at linktr.ee/allfantasyeverything. Guest:    Blair Socci @blairsocci IG: @blairsocci Podcast: Dear Owen Wilson   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting sea creatures. Our guest today is a comedian who you've seen on The Late Late Show and 101 Places to Party Before You Die. Her podcast, Dear Owen Wilsonson is available wherever podcasts are streamed today we are joined by the very funny blair so oh shit i always get it's soji no sake honestly whatever you want is good with me but which is it actually because this is one of those ones where at one point i knew it and then i started psyching myself out over which way it

was pronounced and now i can't remember which one's the real one. It's Saki, but honestly, I barely know how it's pronounced. Anything is fine. You are worth getting it right. The pronouns are big and kahuna. Keep all this in. Blair Saki is here. I'm

your host, Ian Carmel, and joining me as always are my friends, Sean Gordon and David Ory. I think the G and the B are silent. Let's get drafting. I fucked up everybody's name. No, I had a coach who called me Orgy one time. Big Orgy, dude.

Yeah. Did he? David Orgy? You know, in ninth grade, you want people to think that your name is something where you've had sex. Oh, yeah. That's cool. Like, oh, yeah, Orgy's me all the time. My nickname in high school and grade school was Sticky.

orgies me all the time my nickname in high school in grade school was sticky the true origin of it is because in third grade a piece of paper stuck to my hand because it was sweaty and my teacher was like sticky sticky caramel oh that's what your teacher said bullies biggest bullies my third grade teacher told my fifth grade teacher so my fifth grade teacher called me sticky you know my fifth grade teacher my fifth grade teacher was a running backs coach on the high school football team so when i got to high school thinking all that sticky shit was behind me he started calling me sticky and then everybody like the whole football team called me sticky and i pretended it was because people were like why do you call you sticky it's because i stick people i hit them yeah but no it's because a piece of paper stuck to my hand in third grade you know you've been running that on us for years and we finally know the truth

i never knew that till just now that's a good origin story harrowing adult game of telephone i have ever heard in my life years in the beaverton school district several players at more than a decade's time well maybe not less than a decade's time but within a decade a long time when you're a kid yeah yeah i can't believe a teacher did that yeah indignities teachers you know i don't know maybe we should pay them less they talk i'm gonna try that for a long time they are getting quite a bit for what they do if you look summer's off summer's school what are we doing charter schools okay they called me sean doggy style so and we can move on welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything the podcast that calls sean

sean doggy style yeah let's get that going yeah someone drive if you see me on the street be like sean doggy style and i'll be like yeah boy you have you'll have your daughter with you yeah don't do that call me sean sean on twitter sean cooter mel and jordan on instagram everywhere else you see him that works dude no i don't use sheets man never have never will oh my god don't you bring a sheet over here bring a sheet over here you'll be bringing the body back john sleeps on the cold hard ground come to faded september 29th andrew o'ruffalo it's gonna be dank shane brennan is in the background of david's right now faded's taking over the world uh september 29th migration brewing

other than that, man, I'm just working on my foot racing. I would just say watch the late show, listen to All Fantasy, everything. Yeah, that's what I would say. Have you talked about this? Can we talk about it? Well, it's going to be airing tonight. It airs tonight. You already did it, so?

I do it Tuesday. Okay. Well, then let's talk about it right now. What are you talking about? How'd it go? It was Sean Doggy style, man. I told him, I was like, bring James, give it up for Sean Doggy style. And then I just came, Crip walking out and it was good. What was it?

What was it that made you reverse course on your I don't do TV lifelong commitment? I was scared. I was scared for two years probably to actually ask you sober to hook me up with somebody, put me in touch with someone. I'm serious. And then I finally,

Nampe was like, do it. He's your friend. So I asked you if you'd put me in touch. You did. And then we took it from there and it was like a three month process and I've always wanted to do TV. Everybody does.

To be clear, I made an introduction and then I stood back and started hating. That was it. That's why it took three months. It was like, we can trim these bits down a little bit. I was actually shadow editing your sets, dude, giving harmful notes.

I just want to say, I'm fucking jacked for this. I'm going gonna lose my mind when i see this uh i hope i don't i don't know yeah i'm i'm stoked you're gonna be listen you're gonna be scared for one word and then you're gonna remember that you know how to do this well no they told me i can't say that word so so i think i'll be all right but honestly i can tell you as long as you hit your mark you'll probably be okay man and even if you don't you'll be all right but honestly i can tell you as long as you hit your mark you'll probably be okay man and even if you don't you'll be okay we know that no i'm stoked i'm stoked i'm gonna be so i guess it had i was looking out at ian during the set felt great uh jim jam was on

my left reggie on my right crowded juiced up folks in front of me and it was very fun and then i think about all my friends having done this before me and it's like uh it's great blair warmed it up months ago i warmed it up by um wasting half of my set saying hello to everyone in the room on accident they had to put two jokes because i said hello to everybody on staff i remember watching that being like man that's that's, yeah, that's a lot. That's cordial. Very nice of you. The big dog is friendly, if nothing else. No matter what.

I don't let television tapings take that from me, you know? Or big moments. I remember who I am and greetings, politeness, manners. Speaking of big moments, we got big moments here with us. David Borey, a.k.a. Big Moments. Come on. Sean Doggy style of big moments? Go ahead.

Watch the girl in your purse. Run the jewels, baby. Cool guy, Joe 37 on Instagram. Big moments in real life, dude. How are you? You fucking cry. I went and saw David do some stand-up comedy in Los Angeles at the Elysian Theater. 10 out of 10.

Fucking superb. Oh, man. Thank you. I do stand-up comedy a lot of times. I don't particularly like to share it, so that was a big deal for me. Because usually I'm like, okay, well, I'm in Anchorage this week and I don't know anybody. There was a bunch of people I knew and friends were there, so that was kind of nerve-wracking.

I sat between Zach Harper and Jordan Morris. Yeah, see? Everybody was there. I will regret this till the day I die. The big dog was eating a steak. Rare. You know how she does it. Outside. You want to come in? No.

She was on a chain. Fucked it inside. I really wanted to see you do an hour. That would have been really special for me, but I make some mistakes in this life. It's okay. You can see it on YouTube. No, I'm just kidding. Mistakes and Sirloin.

David, can we talk? I know you got dates, but can we talk about you running these foot races can we get that can we let the public know what's going on oh david cooked it up at high plains it was the dopest thing i've seen at a comedy festival in my life david organized you want to can you do you want to speak on it you're doing good so we're at the bar the night before and david would walk up to people and he'd walk up to Zach and he'd be like hey man uh Steven said like Italians can't run fast how you feel about that and then he'd walk away and then he'd walk away just gassing everybody up David said that to me about four different people and I was like wow that's so odd they all came up and said that to you they

were just thinking about how they could beat me in a foot race that's crazy he goes up to harris hey harris sean said he could dust you in a foot race tomorrow at the barbecue how are you feeling and then about 15 foot races went down there was a horseshoe crowd of comics around it two strangers came up and raced i mean it was on like michelle kwan dude it was yeah we were taking we were taking action steven. I did not hear about the strangers. That's so funny. Those two women, they came up and they're like, can we race?

And we're like, hell yeah, you can race, dude. Isn't Steven AJ, like, didn't he do track in like high school or college or something? Okay, right. And Yedoye beat him one race. What? Steven AJ, Yedoye, Travis, the fucking, the race of the century.

They had to do three. It was some rocky shit. Steven went from shoes to socks to nothing that's how those races were it was first first one steve had shoes on yudoye had no shoes on close as fuck but steve won then everybody was like well steve's got to take his shoes off you know i'm saying of course he's gonna take his shoes off steve takes his shoes off but he's in his socks then yedoye still shoeless yedoye wins now we're like oh fuck then we double down no shoes on either of them no socks on either of them steve wins but also i think that's a testament to his mental i was definitely saying this is for africa do this for home by the way these men were in tight tight jeans yeah tight jeans absolutely dead cold no warm-up yedoye travis had i think like some sort of a docker

on with a belt he had a whole belt on doing a sprint these are hoboken rules it's a hoboken rules foot race this is like snap your acl type shit it was wild dude that's all i was thinking i said i cannot afford a torn acl if i am going to do a set at high plains tonight but i saw it in your eyes you wanted it you wanted a piece it was really hard for me it was sad steven aj got a little juiced up about like 45 minutes into this and he just raises his voice and he's got a bassy voice and he goes, alright,

race war. Four blacks, four whites. Oh no! How do you know that's going to pan out? Then ACH came and had to shut it down. He was like, guys, we can't do that. He goes, no race war, Steven.

Not today. No race war for today. The way that he said it, though, he goes, four blacks, four whites. That's like, damn, dude. And he did not ask anyone. He didn't ask any blacks approvals. He didn't ask any whites approvals. He just took it on his own.

Because he was so excited. By the way, Jeff Tice, you can come get it anytime you want, man. Jeff ask me why it's approvals he just took it on his own because he was so excited by the way jeff tice you can come get it anytime you want man jeff beat me by it continues did you race he beat me by a by a pube dude i mean i was right there so wow i i'm gonna admit i picked all dogs i lost about 30 bucks that day i lost 60 bucks on the weekend i feel bad we were talking about the weekend's new album was going to be good or not of course it was uh i was i you know i was missing i was regretting that i didn't go to high plains and now upon hearing this i'm i feel good about my decision because i don't you're right it took me about four days to get right so you're good i either would have gotten injured or lost two hundred dollars there's no there's no two ways about it it was like i felt like uh like the hot girl with

like the the the scarf yeah man the flag in the bikini yeah that was me but instead it was an apron that said ask me about my hot dog yeah it was a good barbecue what dates do you have coming up david uh uh i'm in telluride basically right now i don't know oh i got portland's and seattle dates in december but they're not locked in i'm coming back though helium i'm coming back and then seattle i'm coming in december and then i got all dates with you guys. We got a bunch of dates coming up. Oh, we got a bunch of dates. We'll elucidate those later. I think I'm going to travel to Helium to watch you do your hour.

Oh, well, it's only going to be 45 minutes. Yeah, you know what I mean. I think I'm going to be there, too, sitting between Zach Harper and Jordan Morris at Helium. I'll probably be there. Harper's got a working connect. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's the afb date so it's like what's the first one is 10 000 laughs best you got we're about to be in the dc improv the three of us right all doing long sets you know what i'm gonna do there let me cut you off real quick

i think i'm gonna i'm gonna take a second i'm gonna go tap sleepy joe on the shoulder wake him up and have him lower the gas prices. Continue with the... Oh, did you just dab? You sneezed, Ab? I sneezed. You went like this, though. That front arm has nothing to do with a sneeze.

You're supposed to sneeze into the crook of your arm. I don't know why you went in at home. Your other arm went out like that. You were pie-facing me. Yeah. I can't help it. I got to protect. It's protect anyway stiff arm i cut you off sorry dc dates you wake up sleepy joe you tell me a little of those gas prices uh the 30th of

september the 1st of october the 2nd of october we're doing a live afe there it's sold out but if you want to come hang out with us the 30th and the first are the ones to do it because we got flights to catch i could be coerced into uh doing a draft on each stand-up show maybe one round or something i'll be in you know you know i'm just saying i'm just saying if you if you can't get tickets for the draft maybe come to a stand-up show and then you know motherfuckers be drafting so i'm just out here i'm saying you know i'm talking about we got some special guests too we got some people coming through perhaps and if you don't come see us do stand up i'm gonna fucking punch you hard it ain't that hard he's hit me before hard i haven't i haven't fucking no dude dude i

had a i had a i had a car that didn't run in the driveway for a year he didn't punch me so as hard as he could one night no you didn't no you didn't i'm kidding that's an odd bit yeah well yeah i thought it would really no you guys didn't really, I don't think you would ever punch each other. Just a gut feeling. I feel like it's a lot of gentle love. A lot of gentle love. Ian had about maybe a couple cups one night and gave me a pretty full block when we were at the Blue Rooster. I fell down onto my butt.

Malloy comes over. He goes, what are you doing? And you go, I gave him like three-fourths. I'm just on my butt and i was like three fourths is a lot for me it was a pass block it was a pass block and that was when i was at my medias i was asking for it i was i all the time i would tell david to hit me at uh at the roost i'd be like just punch me in the shoulder he goes i don't want to yeah i never wanted to i never liked it that place was so fun i missed that i loved it

oh right and when you passed when you blocked him, did you do a kick step? Mm-hmm. Whatever got me flat on my little butt. Keep your motion small. Keep your movement small. Yes. Hit the triangle. Stay low.

Push up the pads. All that. Full Quentin Nelson. Getting in there. Getting in his kitchen. Offensive lineman is the least fun position in football, I think. It's the least fun position in football, but it's the most fun position outside of football. Because you can't really, you're not going to run around on a guy probably, but you know.

No, no, no. But you could pass block at an alley any day of the week. You can shove almost anybody. I think I could still swim and rip pretty solid. Oh, yeah. Oh, I know you could, pal. Oh, I know that's right. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I know it when i see it you know how people walk around and they'll like pretend like they're doing basketball moves that's what i do get low dip the shoulder you're just getting a getting a three-point stance like when you're next in line at walgreens and you just pop up like no i'm kidding i just want to buy this disposable camera i. I never had the privilege of playing football because they wouldn't let me on the team, but I do

like, one thing I really like is a clothesline. Just like one arm. Blair, that's not a traditional You're going to go ahead and get a personal foul for that one. I like moves that draw personal foul for that one. Yeah, no, I like moves that draw personal fouls.

Yeah. The world is your porch. You are out there. Speaking of being out there, I'll go over other dates later. Blair Saki is here. At Blair Saki on Twitter. And Instagram, baby.

Cross all platforms. Cross platform. How are you doing? I couldn't be better, you know, to get to come on this morning with my fucking dogs. Are you kidding me? It is a gift to wake up, a privilege.

I seen David. I seen Sean recently. I've been having a nice run and then to get the recently married in carmel i look i think heaven is right now dog you're right you're you are cool baby you know what it's worth you you are goddamn cool i'll tell you that right now i couldn't be better. That's the truth. That's a cool painting behind you, too. What is that?

Yeah, surfing? It's a woman's butt and the surf. Cool. Even better. You can surf, can't you? Not in my present adulthood, but in my youth. Before I reached old age, yes, I did do that a little bit. Fucking hell. It's the hardest.

Surfing and golf, man. Hardest sports there are. Golf is disgusting. I don't think that's true. Except for like high lie or something. They're pretty true, man. High lie would be hard. You watch your mouth. Harder than like ultimate fighting?

I mean, okay, technically I've been in a fight which is a version of Ultimate Fighting. I've never stood up on a surfboard, so I've gotten farther in an Ultimate Fight. But you've hit a golf ball. It's harder for a man of your height. That's like, surfing is a short man's game. It's more surfing. Short King Summer, baby. Surfing is, you know, these board sports are typically for the men who did not have

the fast twitch to play a real sport but look i look don't come for me i've been skateboarding for 26 years i know i realized that after it came out and i'm sorry for that but look i think that everyone knows that you really have a lot of dedication to your craft and there's a lot to be said for that no you did it despite you i don't have that fast twitch not i was not a fast twitch in his body no i tried every sport they put in front of me i tried softball baseball track i was in one track race i got last by a full lap a quarter of a mile lap really they called the race before i was done they called the race before i was done yeah it was like a mile and a half or something and i was well behind everybody just like what made you think distance was gonna be here put

you out there yeah they had to that's not your fault when you join these sports well same thing with football when you join a sport yeah my voice cracked I'm pissed they had to play you so that's why they'd be like the one quarter in every football game where they're like fucking Sean you technically are the defensive end this quarter but why'd they put you in the 800 meter why'd they put you in the that's not

that's not your fault yeah that's not a good hey man did you ever try soccer I did we lost every game We were on the Steamers. Every game we lost. Me and Spliff Nugs. Your team was called the Steamers? No, it wasn't. The Sioux Falls Poops. The Sioux Falls Steamers.

I was on a softball team called Disco with a Z. We lost every game and our coach tried to fight one of the kids on the team. One of the kids on your team? One of the children on the team. What did he do your team one of the children on the team what did he do what how did that happen he spit on him probably underperformed chris spit on our coach i bet our coach was 19 we were probably all 13 we all thought we were crips chris spit on him and this

kid tried this coach tried to fight him talking like full on on the diamond like hit me give me a reason that kind of stuff and we're like bro because we were seriously still 13 the whole time and cripping on the pitch yeah i love this story anyway i digress surfing is hard i do love this story i don't want it to end i love that you were but then sometimes you had to go to soccer practice i wore i wore cross-color shorts down to my ankles to tennis practice one time you had tennis practice i tried tennis man i tried all of them i'm telling you so confusing bright orange cross-color shorts down to my ankles to tennis practice where you gotta where you gotta play tennis and uh i didn't thrive

anyway it's so complicated took me a while to figure it out now my baby's banging on the door as i record a podcast so you know streets are a short stop man they're right outside the door the streets are always just outside your door don't ever forget that the burnish wrap of the streets and staying with jean for a while uh what day where can where can people uh check out what you do you have d'errol and wilson the podcast oh yeah the only other podcast oh yeah i do have a new podcast it's funny i don't know how that happened i just found myself with one but i think it's really a fun um cuckoo thing if you want to check that out that'd be great i'd love to have you over there the blair bears yeah absolutely i'm in yeah yeah i gotta have you guys on i gotta

have the whole trio on or it won't be complete literally just had me on tell the people what it is they could they could check out david borre's episode oh yeah david borre incredible guest one of the most all-time guests in history but basically um it started it's based off um i wrote a letter a real letter a very sincere letter to owen wilson in 2007 um just telling him hope he's okay support him really recognize his talent and gifts to the world um and then i remember that later and so odd thing um and now comedians come on they write a letter to someone they love a celebrity that they loved as a kid or now and then i interview them within an inch of their life with the help of my private detective named luan Wickles. Did anybody ever cry?

Yeah, we've asked. I've made some people cry. I don't think that's podcast related, though. No, on the show also. On air, yeah. I did make them cry, but casualties are just part of the process.

Those are your friends blair you can call them friends yeah look i leave nothing on the floor for my listeners i leave no stone unturned and so yeah you are just writing big dog shirts over here every sentence is a new big dog shirt everything you say should be on like a gum wrapper i leave nothing on the floor for my friends like have you ever had that hydrating gum that's like too intense yeah that's like a gum where you're like oh it's all you have so much spit all of a sudden you know what to do with it you get a kicker sore right when you start chewing she's sour oh my god i used to dance with the devil with those motherfucking warheads oh you kidding me i would burn holes through my mouth i would have 50 holes i'd take another hole to my mouth

i said i can't resist sour apple warhead yep you'd go to you go to candy store you'd be like no i like these are good you're like i know i'm lying i know i'm lying to all my friends i found it unpleasant when they get sweet though, that transition. Oh, I know. I'm picking up what you're putting down. I know. I know when it takes that turn and it feels so good. You made it right past the horror into bliss.

You earned it. It's the candy equivalent of beating Battletoads. Yes, it's so good. You remember Tearjerkers too, right? Like Warhead's Sour Cousin? Tearjerkers, you remember those cousin I think that was some shitty South Dakota stop it that's like that's like bagel soda I think I think they were making that

in dog patch and shipping it out into like an 800 square mile radius we're all like dude they have this everywhere in the world right because I've never been across Minnesota Avenue I know you haven't either so no that was only a party favor at the Sioux Falls Steamers field. Congratulations on losing every game and they just throw us all this sour poop candy.

They said, here, have this shitty version of a warhead. That's all you guys get. You didn't score one fucking goal all season. I know that. I bet you we didn't. I don't know that for a fact. I know we lost every game. We might have not scored.

Blair, do you have any stand-up where people can come see you? You want to tell the people about? You know what? I got a lot of stand-up, but none of them are really my show. So, yeah. No. Hopefully the next time I come back on this show, come back on this show. I will have my own shows to report, but

until then, this is what it is. Fantastic. We'll fucking just show up to shows and maybe Blair will be on there. I post him on my Instagram every day. Many shows. Make sure you follow. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. maybe Blair will be on there. I post him on my Instagram every day. Many shows. Make sure you follow.

My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Big Green Egg Forum. I'm out there cooking. Yeah, how is it? I'm out there cooking. Ian, tell us what happened last night.

I tweeted you late last night. I wanted to know what went down when you broke in the green egg. I told you I was going to save it for today. I wanted to be able to tell you digital face to digital face. Skirt sticks. Three of them. Big ones.

USDA certified. What kind of marinade are you doing on that? I went to Gelson's. Do you understand what I did? I went to Gelson's. That's where we saw billions at. Oh, that's the Hyda Luxury. Hyda Luxury.

That's very fancy. Hyda Luxury. I'm living like there's of luxury. Hide of luxury. That's very high to luxury. I'm living like there's no tomorrow. I went to Gelson's. I bought three skirt steaks. I do. I put them in a marinade. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's the ticket. It's a Worcestershire. It's a Worcestershire sauce marinade. Mustard. Lemon juice. What else I had in there? Soy sauce. Oh, that's nice.

Salt. thyme, minced garlic. I minced it myself. I minced it myself. An onion. Let it sit in there for three hours. Took it out. Dry rub. Fucking dry rub.

Coffee, brown sugar, salt, pepper, other shit, mustard powder, ginger, pepper, other shit, mustard powder, ginger. Oh, Aleppo pepper. Rubbed it in there. Let that sit. Probably about three, four hours. Get to room temperature.

Cook it dirty on the coals. Yep. That's how you got to. Dirty on the coals. Didn't grill it. Two questions. Yeah. Coffee.

Coffee grounds? Pardon my ignorance. You rub coffee grounds on my ignorance you rub coffee grounds on it coffee grounds it brings out a depth of flavor in the meat that you're not you're not going to have access to without sounds like my friday night i am speechless over here what is dirty on the coals meat i cooked it right on the coals more david's friday night dirty on the coals dude keisha coals is uh forthcoming album dirty on the coals more david's right at night dirty on the coals dude keisha coals is uh forthcoming album dirty on the coals do you wipe off the coal or do you just eat the coal on the steak if you're using a premium lump charcoal all you got to do is give it a little tap and the coal

will fall right off but it leaves a delicious sear it leaves it like blackens it it was so fucking good cut it against the grain and then gave it a another spin just on cast iron just to really yeah and then put that out there after i cooked the onions i put the onions around the coal for about 45 minutes let those just tenderize yeah let those tenderize then i chopped them up threw those on the cast iron, bell peppers on the cast iron, fajitas. Then I did the corn on the grill. That's exactly what the egg is for.

Self-contained. Do the whole meal. All in there. I did the whole meal on there. Do the whole meal in that bitch. I made the elote sauce. Oh my God. So good.

Mayonnaise, creme fraiche. I forget what kind of pepper. I went at it. like I went at it. I really went at cilantro. Ian, that was the best corn I'd ever had. Oh, my God. I feel so blessed to have tried this food. And I was I was still daydreaming about that meat this morning.

I was thinking about that meat. Tales old as time. So good. Good at me. Good at me. Stop laughing. Of course, I can't stop laughing. Of course I can't stop laughing. It's hilarious.

That's incredible. That was art. It was really good. Was that the first run? First run. Oh, and I did some shrimp too, which didn't turn out as well as I would have liked. The shrimp on the grill is so temperamental. You got to really be on it.

I didn't salt it enough. So I did a garlic butter baste. You'd think that would be enough. I didn't salt it enough. So I did a garlic butter based. And then. You'd think that would be enough. It was unsalted butter. I would think that would be enough. But I should have hit it with a little more salt. But it was still.

I mean, it was good. But it wasn't the highlight. I think it was the. It came in third. Dana made a key lime pie. And snickerdoodles. Oh, man. Power couple. Power couple.

I'll tell you something about steak. If there's no sear. If there's no sear, if there's no sear, have you ever had a steak with no sear? Yeah. It's not a world I want to live in. Actually, it happened to me on Thursday.

Oh, no. You missed my show and you didn't sear the steak? Look, there's a lot of pain in this world. There's a lot of pain in this world. A lot of people are hurting. Yes. You know what happened in this business?

In August, I had just maybe like a deluge, an absolute raining down of professional rejections. And what that led me to do was do something crazy and purchase an air fryer okay air fryer oh blair no yeah it's dark it's don't listen to them no you can't do it it sat in the box for weeks and then i got back from denver and i said i need to get my life together i opened the box i put a i put a ribeye in there i took it out i had to try the i had to try the air fryer and the only thing that was gonna make me do it was a slab of meat it was fine i'm here no you gotta do you know what i like doing in the air fryer is like lemon pepper wings. Wings go good.

It's not for steaks. No, it was a mistake. A lot of mistakes. A mistake. Steak mistake. What you do, you put the fucking... You get it on that black steel. Yeah, gotta get it on the black steel.

I had to cast iron. What are you doing? She knows the whole... She knows the rigmarole. That's the thing. Yeah, blood steel what are you doing she knows the whole she knows the rigmarole that's the thing you know what you're doing you know what you're doing she's hitting the butter face yeah oh i know how to i know how to get fucking nasty with the rib eye and the cast iron but i just thought maybe i'll maybe i'll lower myself maybe i'll see what the masses are doing it was wrong no you don't have to come down off the mountain. No, stay on that mountain. It's beautiful. The views are beautiful.

Well, look, I'm inspired, Ian. I'm going to come. I have some reflection to do after what I just heard because I was majestic. Anytime you want to, if you ever want to avail yourself of it, I'm in Atwater Village. You just let me know. You just let me know. Thank you.

I don't even have to be home. It's in the backyard. You come home, the big dog's on the big green egg. Oh my god. Can you imagine? Hello. Hello, Ian. How are you today?

In my head, I don't know why, but in my head you're also like smoking a real cigar a big like pop daddy cigar my dad has made me smoke cigars with him since i was like four that's so funny yeah i've had to do that live smoking a cigar outside the after party it was pretty cool really yeah everybody was like what the fuck he cool. Everybody was like, what the fuck? He saw me, he was like, oh, what are you smoking, a cigarette? Tom Takar, incredible comedian, also great hang. Just like his solid, solid hang.

Yeah, really good hang. Mysteriously hopped in a lift with me every night. Just so happened to be in the shadows. And when my lift came up, he goes, oh, can I hop in again? Is that cool? I go, come on in, Tom. Of course it's cool. You have a welcoming presence, dude. three nights in a row tom it's also if sean jordan's leaving it's like maybe it's time for me to go home i'll tell you we're all growing up we were all leaving that

party early i didn't i didn't see four o'clock once no i didn't either i saw about three o'clock and that was the gnarliest and i was dipping my butt hit the ground so many times that night that was it when i stayed till 245 i thought i was reliving moments of of glory that i haven't seen in decades i couldn't even believe it i made that long yeah you were out oh on the dance floor things happened like i didn't even know that was still inside me yeah it was buck man and then yeah at a certain point it's like all right the kids can have the rest of the night that's what it is i didn't know that when i was younger that those after parties till 4 a.m are just for younger people like we were the kids yeah i'd never i'd always be like how come how come car Kudai doesn't stay until

four at the after party? Because he's not a fucking psycho. I mean, you gotta have kind of a day the next day until, I don't know. Do you think I'll be 45 going to the after party just being like

dead on the desk? I will. I'll just be gone by midnight you know what I noticed is everybody of a certain age when I walked in that last night we all had this part of all the available chairs were all just locked down

by everybody that we knew and none of the kids could sit and it wasn't an option I boxed out for all of us no one could sit in the chairs or take it. She's taking it. She really did. Yep, absolutely.

And I sat down. We're going to be chair dancing to 2 Chainz songs that the kids don't even know. They don't even know. Like they're oldies. It's going to be embarrassing. But we'll be beyond that emotion. I love being washed. Dude, I love being washed dude i love being washed out there in the streets living on a couch no way baby no ceilings are tall i want to sit down scooter like i think that's gonna feel right for me

don't you think sanders yeah hello i'm here hello get out of my way. I ram people. Big dog. Big dogs and a rascal. The motorized dog. We are going to be the DC Improv. September 30th, October 1st, October 2nd. The following weekend, we will be at the 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My city.

Sean's second home. Not my Minneapolis, Minnesota. My city. Sean's second home. Not my city, but I love it. I love it so much. We're doing a live AFE. I think there's still a couple tickets available for that. You're going to want to jump on it. Yeah, there's like 20. And then we're doing stand-up comedy.

What else are we doing? We will be at the Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. November 20th. November 20th doing a live AFE. Those tickets are also going fast. I think we already sold 500 of them or something like that. So jump on those. It's not a heat.

I mean, it's a, you know, it's going to fill up. November 18th, I will be doing stand-up comedy. I have to imagine Sean Jordan will be there. I'll be there. At Revolution Hall. David, if you're in town, we'd love to have you. Nicknames. Oh, that's Thursday, right? That's Friday. no i'm gonna be doing faded denver he's gonna be

a fan of denver and then we'll be there we're at phoenix people keep tweeting that it's not on the site the club is called like ae comedy club or something it's not it's not like stand-up live i don't think i couldn't find it online the other place that stand-up live owns they own another place in ph. Maybe. We're supposed to be doing it November 11th and 12th, so we're there. I just don't think it's online yet. I'll get to

the bottom of that, and I don't care if it's at the top. I wouldn't either. Yeah. By the time this comes out, they will have announced, we will be at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. Come. Home of Kevin Mc, Massachusetts. Come. Home of Kevin McHale. Come there.

Kevin McHale. Doing an All Fantasy Everything on December 15th. It's the 15th. We will be at the Wilbur Theater. It is a big venue. It's so big. Your friends may have bit off more than they can chew. Come from Philly, you heathens.

Everyone from New England, all you sons of Maine. We need you to descend upon the Wilbur Theater. Apparently, it's a good sign for your touring numbers if you can even do half a room at the Wilbur. We'll give you another Philly show if you bring it on down. Okay. If you sell out the Wilbur, we'll come back to Philly. I'll give you another Philly show if you bring it on down. Okay. If you sell out the Wilbur, we'll come back to Philly. I'll give you a Philly show. You sell out the Wilbur, I'll give you a Philly show on my own.

I can't be drinking city wines anymore. We'll come back to Philly if we sell out the Wilbur. I'll put that yarmulke back on, too. You see what time it is real quick. Okay, let's stop fucking spilling state secrets here. All of a sudden, we're walking into this at Chernobyl. We will be at the Wilbur Theater December 15th. We would

love to see as many of you as possible. And then the following day, December 16th, we make our triumphant return to the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York. Ooh, give me some of that warm meat. Ooh, we're gonna have a platter of warm deli meat in the back. Teppit. Teppit.

Sweaty. The cheese and the meat, all the same texture. The pita bread. I even have Katie in our ears again telling us what not to do. Telling us what I can't do. I want my meat sweaty. I want my meat fresh off a workout, running down 3rd Street. I like my beets funky

and my oatmeal lumpy. You know what I mean? Can I say that that last tour, those sandwiches saved my life. Yes. Shout out the green room in columbus ohio shout out this sounds so fucking fun i want to be your guys traveling groupie come with we are so fun on the road be the guest at all and i'll sit in the front row and just laugh my fucking ass off. You'll be on stage. Time of my life. Come with. We got sweaty

meats in the back. Oh, yeah. And that's so fucking good. We got a bottle of mayonnaise, the squeeze bottle that's been sitting on the counter for who knows how long. There. Warm. That's delicious. I know. It's so good. Thank you. It was so clutch. It was so good thank you it was so clutch it was so good because sometimes we hadn't eaten so we would just like wake up and drive to the next venue just hungry

as fuck and then you get in there and you're like oh they got the deli tray yeah we'd get some string cheese just so it looked like it wasn't an emergency poop at the gas station we'd be like oh man i just needed some string cheese oh you're nice i just go straight in i said sorry you know what it is we were eating like snakes that tour dude just all the calories all at once yeah that was really because that's how it happens when you two i whenever i'm touring like a bunch of cities at once it's always like that where you're just like i'm just gonna have the one time today that i'm gonna eat they have like four sandwiches now that's maybe like a dinner pre-show thing when you're touring and on the road it's like you're so hungry but you're like in the battle is between getting up but your pure starvation you're like what's gonna be i am i gonna overcome my laziness to sustain myself or

i'm just gonna lay here and prolong it even though i'm absolutely starving it's a constant battle that's a perfect explanation it really is because you're like you're like i'm in bed i'm already here i'm doing okay i'm starving but i'm gonna be more tired if i get up and get out of bed it's usually either an episode of like divers uh drive- more tired if I get up and get out of bed. It's usually either an episode of divers, drive-ins and dives that'll get me out of bed because they'll be eating something delicious or a tailgate segment on a college football Saturday

where they're like, these guys are making a whole pig and I'm like, I got to get up. I have neither of those things. At High Plains I had breakfast at 4 p.m. every day. They had sandwiches in the hotel lobby, which one night, yeah, they had footlongs. $9, by the way. I never saw that shit.

That's crazy. The going price is $5. Yeah. They haven't heard. But I had a couple one night. I got home and I had two footlongs. I was like, this will do me. And then I woke up and I was starving.

It was 24 inches, dog. That's fucking crazy. Dry. They didn't have any mayo or anything. It was just turkey, turkey, cheese, and bread. Dude, 24 hours. Dry? 24 dry?

Like a wood chipper. 24 the hard way. Dude, you almost took down a whole yardstick. That's crazy. A whale bone of sub. You can sell it to yourself at still 12 inches, but it's just six wide. A thick 12. 12 long, six wide.

If you just put them side by side. No. That's the thing. Nobody talks about the width of the footloft. Mouth don't go that big. I can't unhinge my jaw. So I had two in a row, baby. Not with that attitude.

Not ever. Sideways like a typewriter. Come see us in DC. Come see us in Minneapolis. Come see us in Minneapolis. Come see us in Phoenix, we think. I don't know. Come see us in Boston. Come see us in motherfucking Brooklyn, New York. And Portland.

Oh, and Portland as well. Come see us in Portland, Oregon. It's a Portland, Oregon. We love you. Now we are gathered here today not only to talk about eating a sandwich by unhinging our job, but also to fancy draft sea creatures. I love this topic. I'm a friend of the ocean. We've been dancing around it for a while. I'm excited.

It's time to jump in with both feet. Maybe fall off backwards. Hold your mask and your oxygen. There you go. Scuba diving. Yeah, you need those when you're diving. The coffee just wore off.

I only had one. I hate to tell you it wore off about 20 minutes ago. You can feel it for me? Yeah. Is that criticism? I'm out here. You critiquing me?

At this point, I've been on TV, so I'm a different guy now. I'm going to ruin your set, dude. Unless I have the street virus known as COVID-19, I'm so scared that I'm going to get there and test positive. Don't get it.

Don't get it. Just don't get it. Don't get it. Don't do it. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to eat a whole turkey leg during your set, and the camera's going to keep cutting to me, dude. How do you like that?

You want me to get a boner while I'm up there? That's not very nice of you. Impossible. You want me to rock up? Whoa, that was an incredible one, two, three punch. I'm just glad to witness it. Honestly, it feels good. Feels good.

We decide the order of the draft of the rollicky game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Wait, oh me. Oh yeah. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David always wins. David wins. He throws the paper against two scissors.

It's the odd one out. It's the odd one out. It's the odd one out. Yeah. Oh, it's because David wins them all. David Borey is the winner of rock, paper, scissors. It doesn't come up on you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft.

And what is that? That's a great question. Like lining up for a roller coaster? Probably did that already, but if I haven't, it's like if you're in that line for a roller coaster probably did that already but if i haven't it's like if you're in that line for a roller coaster i'll use indiana jones at universal as my because that's the one that i think that takes forever that's not where it is uh i'll use indiana jones at disney disneyland yes sir yes the mommy is at universal i was thinking yes i was thinking about indiana jones at disneyland but you're thinking about Indiana Jones at Disneyland.

You were thinking about just Indiana Jones hanging out at Disneyland eating a turkey leg, giving you a boner. Oh, it's hard to do a, it's not hard to do a roller coaster

with a boner. It's actually pretty easy. But when you're in line, you just kind of snake through. It's like a, it's like a left to right situation. So the line isn't like a mile long. They kind of cram you in.

So then you go left all the way to the right and you go forward a little bit all the way to the left. Go forward a little bit all the way to the right. And then little bit all the way to the right and then you're on the ride you go through these catacombs and then there's a big boulder thing and that's my favorite part of disneyland is that boulder on indiana jones because i always think it's going to hit me yes blair basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round you pick first on the

second round david with that in mind what will the order of today's All fantasy everything draft be Sean David Blair Ian Sean David Blair Ian Hot corner That's a concert I'd go see Sean David and Blair Ian Sean David and Blair Ian

Sexual clarinet It's like a doodling clarinet. It's like a dueling clarinet and they both have a low button. Man, I want to go to a dueling piano bar. There's one in Denver. I'm going to go see it, I think. That's a whole thing. It's called Whispers. When I was thinking

about what I was going to put in my draft, I did remember one of David's most famous loved creatures, and I benevolently didn't put it in my top eight. Thank you. If he doesn't take it, you gotta take it. I'm gonna take it.

I know he's gonna take it, and that one I set aside for him. That's why I didn't... You gotta take it. I knew we had just had this conversation recently, and I don't think I had talked to Sean about it, so I'm pretty sure Sean's why I didn't I because I gotta take it I knew we had just had this conversation recently and I don't think I had talked to Sean about it so I'm pretty sure Sean's not gonna take it okay okay then you're in a good spot no I planned it

all right how did I miss this conversation I don't know buddy look at David right now and just sense it dude rat fuck this guy rat fuck him dude I was too busy eating subs yeah you too busy too busy taking down 24 full inches. Drug down the gullet.

Turkey and Swiss. A little sweaty from the outdoor Hilton fridge. That's 24 inches of sandwich. Sounds like a legend about Bo Jackson. Yeah, like when he killed that dog. Yeah. Bo Jackson killed a dog. He used to live in my town for a little while. Really. Yeah. Like when he killed that dog? Yeah. Bo Jackson killed a dog?

He used to live in my town for a little while. Really? Yeah. You noticed fewer dogs? Yeah. No, I never knew that because I think I was like

eight or something. I didn't know about any dog kills. He threw a rock at it and then apparently he killed it and he felt really, really bad because he's a sweet guy. I watched that Nolan Ryan doco and the first time Nolan Ryan got rushed, there's footage of Bo Jackson just yanking him out, helping him.

And Bo Jackson was on the other team. But Bo just came up and just pulled him out of all these rumbling dudes. Because he was like, yeah, you're not safe here. I'm Big Bo. Bo Jackson's such a cool name. I wish my name was Bo Jackson. I think you could pull off Bo Jackson. Are there everyone here? Thank you. I wish my name was Bo Jackson. You could be. I think you could pull off Bo Jackson. Everyone here.

I could see you being Bo Jackson. Yeah, you definitely got the most Bo Jackson out of all of us. I couldn't be Bo Jackson. I couldn't be Bo Jackson. I can't admit a baseball. I've never done a pull up. I've never broken a baseball bat. Pull ups are so hard.

Can you imagine breaking a baseball bat? Over his head. Over his head. Incredible. This is amazing. I watch that clip a lot. That would be rough to watch me try. Rough. It's going to be a joy to watch you take this first pick,

which we're going to do right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, you figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley, all right? You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that.

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Welcome back to all fantasy. Everything. The only podcast that has ever existed, except of course, for dear Owen Wilson, available everywhere. Podcasts can be, can be attained. But those are the two. It's all fantasy, everything. And dear Owen Wilson.

And that's it. Pretty much as far as media goes, even. So if you're looking for something to distract you from the day-to-day rigors of life, those are the two. Sean Jordan, sea creatures, the number one pick. You are on the clock. I'm not sure if y'all are going on the creature side or just the, like, this is buck side. But it's still, but I gotta go me. Obviously, first thing for me is a blue whale

i gotta do it okay i gotta do it i mean it's the biggest it's the biggest animal in the ocean and it's you know what their penises are called what dongs dorks dorks so that's cool you ever seen you ever seen one of those get tugged off like it No, I haven't seen a whale get jerked off. Wait, Sean, have you seen that? You can Google it. Well, if you Google it, that's basically what comes up. It shows somebody working at an aquarium, and they're just tugging one off. When were you Googling that?

The dark web. But that's a whole other podcast. Yeah, we don't need to talk about that. The dork web? The dork web. Oh, that was good. That was pretty good. That was satisfying.

Yeah. I think of that scene in Castaway where he's floating. Sorry if you haven't seen Castaway. I'm going to wreck it for you. They find him. But he's out there floating, and that whale just comes up and spits out the blowhole right next to him. And it's so scary.

They're just so big and so scary and the ocean's so big that it just it it just creeps me out on a on a weird level amazing not do that can creep me out like that but to think of how big how big i should have looked it up how big is a blue whale like is it like two school buses or some shit it's like a building no problem it's the yeah it's the biggest animal to have ever existed yeah that they that they know about oh is it really it's bigger than like all dinosaurs and all that their heart yeah bigger than any dinosaur that they have record of they their heart is as big as like a volkswagen beetle that's what they say about me yeah

290 to 330 000 pounds pounds. More than that. They can weigh up to 400,000 pounds. God, that's buck. They're like 108 feet long. It's amazing what they're living. They have human lifespans. It's freaking me out to, it's just so crazy to think about.

We've gone whale watching a couple times, Laura and I, and that's like one of her life goals is to see a blue whale. We've seen gray whales, and that's buck enough. Shit, sorry, I didn't mean to say other picks if anyone was going to pick that still do it but we've seen those but to see a blue thank you for your permission i honestly think it would scare me i like seeing i don't think yeah i don't know it just freaks me out thinking about it it's immensely humbling i'll go like uh i come from a family scuba diver yeah Yeah, I bet you do. You ride your horse to the scuba tank. You fucking do.

I ride my horse to the scuba tank. Um, thank you for your honesty. Yeah. Okay. I want to be, I just want to keep everything above board here. And like,

I picture you and Ivan on a horse, the same horse. You can picture us on the same horse. If you want, you can have someone paint it. That wouldn't make me mad. Oh, so anybody out there oil paints,

I'll give you 20 American dollars. Me and bigivan on the same ivan sent me a picture of him scuba diving he's scuba diving this very weekend dude big ivan where is ivan scuba diving i met your dad and we're online friends and that makes me happy he's up in uh he's up in puget sound right now there he is scuba diving off his own boat. The pipe dream. There he is. He ripped up Shane Torres at your wedding. Oh, yeah. Tore him a new one. Put him on the fucking rack, dude. Take that, Shane. What do you mean? Tell me. He roasted

him when he was toasting Ian. Oh, hell yeah. Shane's the only friend that got mentioned. It's pretty tight. I'm glad we're gathered here to get Shane Torres on a tie. It's tight. Oh oh that's hilarious yeah man i blew what he did he got him yeah there's something very unsettling about something that large existing they could kill you on accident just by like brushing their calm is the thing

like that's the that's another crazy thing is they're not like actively aggressive i don't think i think they're like a calm giant i don't know if that's the secret to a long life yeah yeah that's just i don't know yeah that is funny that they're the largest animal but they're only eat the microscopic things that's a real uh odd dichotomy it is they tiny little tiny little krill would that be a? Or would that not be a paradox? In your mind, you think they'd just swallow boats whole and shit for dinner. Yeah, I would. Yeah. You get sick of that real quick.

You know, 20, 24 inches of sandalwood. Yeah. A paradox is two places to park a boat, Sharon. Let's not ask foolish questions anymore. I'll ask another. You could take a boat, one of those boats, to watch a blue whale eat, but that's about as close as that's going to get.

Yeah, dude, they eat krill. They're fucking 30 meters in length. I didn't get it until just now. Now I get it. A pair of ducks. I honestly didn't get it. I'm on my life. I swear to God I didn't get it until just now. Now I get it. A pair of Docs. I honestly didn't get it. I swear to God I didn't get it. Watch me on the Late Late Show tonight. I'm not here krilling. I'm not here krilling, dude.

I'm not even going to talk during the monologue when you're on the show. Krill Murray, dude. Don't look at me. Turn around. Go sit in the crowd. Krill Crips me. Krill Cripsy. This is too good yeah we're having fun crillium crillium shakespeare dude anyway

blue whale blue whale they're getting bigger i had a trillion dollars i had a trillion dollars they're getting bigger man yeah well they're as big as 150 honda civics i'm just reading some facts no that's crazy. 150 Sioux Falls ICP fans could park their cars next to a blue whale and it'd be just fine. I could buy 150 ounces of mid-grade weed.

They are the loudest animal on earth. 188 decibels louder than a jet engine. Although Shane Torres clearing his throat in the morning is slightly louder. Round two, Shane. You weren't ready, dude. It's a family affair, bro. I hope you barfed all over whatever subway you're on right now hearing that. Heading off to a set of Carolines, dude.

Probably doing three. Probably doing three. Gotta hit the stand later. Sugar Shane Torres. No, he said he was in Lafayette or some shit. Lafayette? I wouldn't doubt that. Oh! Well, that's what he was gonna get in everything binyagle we've already done that but it's like i i totally forgot me and shane me and shane torres are in a mini movie for a country guy who's number one on itunes now apparently is that out yet yeah Yeah, The Road to El Paso.

I'm gonna watch the fuck out of that. Wait, the movie's out, David? It's a mini. It's like 10 minutes. It's me, Shane Torres. I'm invested as hell in this. David Koechner, the Salamanco brothers. Oh, I'm watching this right after this.

Yeah, man. Me too. Support my friends. Have a great time. Blue Whale is the number one pick. David Boyd, time for your first pick. I mean, I've said it. I've said it to many people in this room on this podcast. Sea turtles.

There's no animal I've ever seen that I actually identify with where I'm like, I look at that guy and I'm like, oh man. I just inherently get what that guy's doing i feel like he gets me like i just i don't know how to explain it but i just really feel attached to them i like that style of life man just gliding through the ocean yeah minding your own fucking business seems like amazing the struggle of the kids is it the sea turtle that has to lay the eggs on the

beach and then they just have to get to the ocean or else that's how i feel about my life very difficult in the beginning just had to get to the ocean man yeah then i'll leave a hundred years i love those things one time i was at the aquarium with zach and me and him were super stoned and we were watching and i was giving the whole spiel about how much I love sea turtles and how they're beautiful, and I identify with them, and we were watching this one, and he was so majestic,

and then he just swam right into the glass. He was like, super hard, and then just shook his head and kept swimming, and I was like, yeah, see, I totally get that. I get all that. I have to tell you something.

What? I was on my honeymoon in Zihuatanejo, which is on the Pacific Ocean. That over Sioux Falls, huh? We're going to Sioux Falls in May when we can spend a proper month there. In three weeks. And we were staying at this house on a beach,

and there were sea turtle eggs that had been laid, and you saw shells and I didn't see any dead ones, but some of them made their way to the ocean and everything. And then the sun was setting. Dana and I were having dinner

on the beach. It was amazing. And we saw a shape in the surf. And I was like, I think, and you saw a fin go go up and i'm like i think that's a sea turtle yeah and i said but it's big that's like a big sea turtle we walked over we got a little closer i'm like that's not a that's not a sea but the fin is it dead what's going on is that like a dead sea turtle in the surf because it's moving erratically and it's big it looks weird that's two sea turtles we saw two sea turtles fucking in the ocean surf yeah like it was the chris isaac video on the sundown oh my god you know they're living right that's the waves like it was that like and i want to fall in love you know boinking in the sunset that's true

forever they were probably both 85 years old yeah david i heard i was at the skylark in denver i know i know the local spots and um and i heard david just absolutely waxing poetic about sea turtles. I really felt in my soul his passion. I received it from a friend. Just a lot of love. It was just pouring out of him. Mysticism, awe. And I said, yeah, no, I love this man.

I'm not putting sea turtles in my motherfucking draft picks. No, I appreciate it. I'm going to give it to a friend. I would have taken it if I'd have thought of it. I do. No, I wouldn't. You can like swim with them. Yeah.

Because they don't care. They don't. I mean, they don't. They're like a sea turtle. They can get big. Yeah, they get huge. If get huge they get really big brother i'm not coming back yeah we were snorkeling on uh like in hawaii off the coast of kawaii and you can just like dive down and they're just there like chilling you know what i mean just like floating they're not in a hurry they don't perceive you as a threat but they also don't need anything from you what also seems good about the sea turtles is like in comparison to mostly every other sea creature like they seem sort of less hunted

not as hunted as others like they do get the luxury of just chilling on the floor you know what i mean like who is that like orcas or some shit i don't know maybe like maybe certain kinds of sharks you know maybe it might might avail themselves of a sea turtle but like yeah you're right like you see other fish in the reef and they're just like oh fuck like that's the whole existence is fuck shit fuck like they're like mark maron flight yeah but the sea turtles are like protected in the jail yard like they have alliances they're ogs like no you don't mess you don't mess he put his time in yeah they're making spaghetti dinner like in their cell they're like 80 in the yard and everyone just like doesn't

fuck with them you know yeah people are like that sea turtle fixed the world series World Series. Yeah! Yeah! They have that energy. That's exactly it. You distilled it. But yeah, man. Sea turtles. Great pick, David. Blair, time for your first pick.

So, I just... Sorry, I know sports and shit, but the number one pick is like your favorite pick, right? Like in a sport. It could be your favorite, or if you think there's a hot ticket, one that you want to get, and you can like your favorite pick right number like like in a sport it could be your favorite or if you think there's a hot ticket one that you want to get and you can get your favorite later it's all you know it's any way you want to play okay all right all right brothers let's get nasty get in the pit get in the pit oh yeah let's get fucking nasty. Okay. All right. I'm going to have to go with the Greenland shark. 400 years old.

That girl has been alive since the reign of King James I. Was a teen when King George was on the throne. Lived through the Revolutionary War, bitch. And then two world wars after that. And then the fall of R. Kelly. That is a tough, that is a tough

old bitch. Okay, the oldest living creature, the oldest living sea animal alive. Maybe an animal in general. So yeah, that's gonna be, that's gonna have to be my number one. They don't reach sexual maturity until they're 150. Oh yeah, that's

the type of shit I can get behind. Okay, I want some upward trajectory. I want something else to live for. You know what I mean? These motherfuckers live 400 years in shit. They're still alive. This Greenwood I mean? These motherfuckers live 400 years and shit. It's amazing.

It's still alive, this Greenland shark that's already 400, pushing 400. This one that was born, they think, somewhere between 1504 and 1700? Yeah, I don't really do math, but I know it was 400 and a woman. Yeah, I don't fuck with math like that, yeah they're eerie looking too they look old they look like they've outlived they've outlived any need for like to look cool

no she looks like um keith richards uh if we smoke another pack a day yeah yeah 100 greenland sharks have been found with the remains of seals, polar bears, moose, and reindeer in their stomach. They're going cross terrain. That's crazy. So if a moose dies and falls in the ocean, they're like,

yes, please, and I'm going to eat that. They have a whole reindeer. One of them was found with a whole reindeer in its stomach. Antlers and all, bro. That's tight as hell. Eating reindeer? I didn't even know reindeer were real outside of Santa Claus and the Greenland shark has consumed one.

Like, no problem. I didn't know reindeer were real for probably till like four years ago. Nah, I knew it a little before now. What's the difference between a reindeer and a motherfucking regular deer? I don't think there is a big one. Excellent question.

A reindeer. Isn't one of them Slavic? Why? You're not going to give it a job? Keep going. I didn't say that. That was David's voice. Don't do that Slavic thing.

Keep going. Yeah, lead it. No. No, I choose not to. Watch Weeknight on the Late Late Show with James Corden. Yeah, lead it. No, I choose not to. Watch me tonight on the Late Late Show with James Corden. Yeah, check him out. I'll be there front row laughing my fucking ass off.

I might wear a suit that day. I might wear a tuxedo. I won't. Jeans, baby. Jeans on. Team strong. Team will be strong. I'm taking you to dinner after. I made some reservations. It's going to be a classy night. No, it yes it is not for me we're spilling all these 500 dunks i'm about to buy any classy evening uh greenland shark is an amazing pick ugly cold water living longevity ass motherfucker in a miracle of the ocean what a little creature what a little creature yeah What a little creature.

Time for my first pick. I'm staying in the shark world. It's a true number one talent. I also love it. Star of stage and screen. A monster you can find all over the ocean. I'm taking the great white shark. Oh, yeah.

Wonderful. You know, gotta bad rap the great white. They don't do. They don't do half the damage people think they do. Like how many? I mean, what's the number? How many people? How many people die in like great white attacks every year? Like four or something?

I don't know, dog. They look so angry. Yeah. Think about shark fin soup. Think about what they have to go through. I'd be furious. That's a good point. I mean, dude, not to get dark like that, but I mean, that shit's insane.

It is insane. Comedy store Sean. Yeah, dude, don't make me go to the store. When I'm in a bad mood, Blair in LA, I would storm off and take a lift to the comedy store. An hour long lift ride from the Fortress of Solid Dudes, by the way, to get to the store. Then I just go drink expensive beer at the store. Oh my God, one drink at the store. If you are the booker at the store oh my god one drink at the store um if you are the booker at the store i really love your um club but one drink at the store when i perform

there i lose a lot of money yeah i want to say 24 for like a pbr and a shot of whiskey? Yeah, no, it's $70 for a Pabst Blue Ribbon and I drink it all down and I said, bartender, serve me another, please. But you know, that's a tall can, so it's a pretty good deal. Oh, it's 24 ounces, dude. That's like $2 an ounce. You're not beating that. On the Sunstead Strip where everything's classy.

Not at the Rainbow Room. Biggest great white shark ever was like 20 feet long, like 5,000 pounds. It's basically a mouth with a rocket attached to the back of it. They're scary. They strike a primal note. That's almost as big as a sub sandwich that Sean eats.

Damn near. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. It's 10 of those. You ate ate two and 10 is bigger than this shark so just think about that yeah i'll think about you were well on your way if you'd stayed in denver a little bit longer you would have eaten a great white shark probably ate 10 all together was there five days had to eat great i don't know i just fucking love great white sharks i think they like everything that's great and terrifying about the ocean. They're the first thing you think about.

I'll tell you as like a little surf girl in my youth. Uh, not really a fan, but I, I respect, I respect, but I respect what they're doing out there and the way they sort of command, um,

the space, you know, I can't really, I can't really blame them for wanting to eat stuff you know what i mean as someone who likes eating stuff too they don't eat scuba divers because they know that's not a seal but if you're out there on a surfboard limbs dangling off making seal noises yeah and you got the meat on your bones like i do and they said that looks like a nice meal. Yeah, I'll take one of those. Why wouldn't I take one of those? You know, it's not the great white shark's fault.

Yeah, I'd out swim several of them, but luckily I'm very fast. Did you have to out swim some sharks? No. Are you kidding me? I don't know what goes on out there. Ian, I would fucking fall like a full out chair oh no it was good don't touch yourself

oh yeah get it I love the great white shark I love it oh man they just eat everything in the ocean they eat sea turtles do they really eat sea turtles? Yeah, they'll eat a sea turtle.

So, what I want to know about the great white shark is, do you think they would eat a sea turtle in the same way that we would eat a lobster? Like, they just suck out the body and soul out of the shell? Or are you thinking they're going

full shell crush? I think they crush the shell. I you thinking they're going full shell crush? Full shell crush. I think they crushed the shell. I think they can get in there. It's like a box of Cracker Jacks. Especially if you get like a leatherback sea turtle near them and they're going in there like a Maryland soft shell situation. Probably hurts coming out and they think it feels good for some

reason. Yeah. They drag the shark to it. They drag the turtle to an old bay. All right, glass of hot sauce. Enough about the great white shark. It's time for me to take my second pick. A proper ledge. A proper ledge into the ocean. Inspired countless tales told by old sailors. No. Go on.

No, go ahead. You first. A creature of myth. Creature of terror. A creature that has inspired fear. I'm taking the Archie Toothless. I'm taking the giant squid. Yeah. I thought it was real though.

Can we go mythical? No, we can't go mythical. We just it was real, though. Can we go mythical? Oh, it's real. Okay. No, we can't go mythical. Don't. We just said a creature of myth. We can't go mythical? It's a creature that is... No, well, I don't know. Well, I'm not going to tell people what to do.

I'm thinking real sea creatures here. I'm not going to tell... You know what I mean? Like, I had an idea for a podcast five years ago. That doesn't mean I'm the dude to tell you how to live your life. Six years ago, okay? Like, you fucking... you live your life. And I just want to see everybody shine.

But I'm taking the giant squid. Yeah. Respect. It's a fucking fighter. I'm not going to say the kind of stuff it fights. But it's in there, deep in the ocean, fighting it. It's camera shy. You know what I mean?

It doesn't need. Yeah, they can't get it on film, right? It's the Rick Moranis of the ocean. It's done. It doesn't need it anymore. All right? It's just the best. It doesn't need movies. film right it's it's the rick moranis of the ocean you know it's done it doesn't need it anymore all right that's the best it doesn't need movies it's it's raising its kids it's living its life it's it's massive it's terrifying inspired like the work of hp lovecraft it's a huge ass squid we know what squid look like can you imagine if there was just like in certain parts of the forest a squirrel that was just like 500 times bigger than normal squirrels.

That's what's going on with the giant squid. I would love it. What? I've seen some giant squid like at the dock like that. I mean, it's probably not like the biggest ones or whatever, but some really big ones at like the wharf that are scary looking. Like how they catch that that's just these are these are like fucking big ass squid though i'm talking like yeah how big is like the giant giant squid supposed to be yeah what is giant mean i think they're like okay hold on

let me i'll tell you the exact size here i almost typed in giant quid put in giant quid i know what a quid is. That's from Harry Potter, yeah. 12 to 13 meters for females. 10 meters for males. 30 feet. A little more.

30 feet a little more. I thought a four foot one was a giant. No, they got a beak like this. They got a beak and all that. It's all wet and squishy and then there's a little beak in there It's also like I always wonder How they get like there's a bunch of regular Squids and then some are just like nah We're gonna get bigger

While they're drinking muscle muscle They took some of my muscle Milk from my refrigerator Just walking in, loosening the tie. I did not get any gains at work today at all. Man, I could use some gains right now.

You call yourself Chris Gaines, right? I sure do. The Archie Toothless, the Giant Squid. I'm taking it. Blair, time for your second pick. Yeah, I'm going to have to go with the manatee. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

They just have really good hearts, soft energy, like the Muppets of the Sea, like your best friend from middle school that you see cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches with. They're so cute. That's a great sandwich, by the way. I love a cheese and mayo sandwich. I love a cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches with. They're so cute. That's a great sandwich, by the way. I love a cheese and mayo sandwich. I love a cheese and mayo sandwich.

Like a white bread or sharp cheddar? I don't like white bread anymore. But, yeah. Everybody. Got him. Think about it. I want everyone to watch me on the Late Late Show with James Corden tonight. There it is. Everybody tune in fact tune in uh i love the manatee

i've seen some manatees where'd you see in florida down in florida they're just like they they they they're putting out the exact energy you described you feel like you should be allowed to hug them and i don't think anything would happen if you did other than maybe the state getting involved yeah and there's not a lot of things really in the ocean that seem huggy yeah oh yeah you're right yeah it's not a place they're real like you can you can like if you're scuba diving or whatever you can like like get up on them right yeah they don't do anything they're they keep they take it easy yeah not like they're um what seems to be a sister brother cousin like the walrus where you're just like oh that motherfucker has an anger problem steer clear that wants to fight and the manatee you're just like yeah you're peaceful you're you're loving you you want the

bastard people you love birthdays the sea the sea cow they call the sea cow the manatee and they're always in the water you're not going to see a manatee up on a dock dude or a paradox that's two boats i've never seen a manatee we didn't get a lot of them in sioux falls south dakota so i didn't that's true i didn't get to see them they were what the basis for mermaids that's what the sailors saw manatees and they were like ah ladies who live in the ocean are you serious is that true yeah is that true yeah god men are insane what a reach how do you how in the fuck do you go from vanity to beautiful, horny looking mermaid? Yeah.

It's a long, it's a long road on some of that. Yeah. Some of that good ocean wobble whiskey. If anything, we should have thought like, wow, the ocean has like a race of Paul Sorvino's.

But no, they ended up with like bucks and women. Seriously. Where they're like, no, they ended up with like buxom women. Seriously, where they're like, no, actually, I think that's a gorgeous woman with a tail, with like a fin tail. That's what I see. No, look, I'm a fan of a buxom woman just as much as the next guy.

But I just don't know how we got from point A to point D or F. You don't know how we got from point A to point D or F. You don't see long, flowing, vibrant red hair? Because I sure do. I see tons of it on that mermaid out there. You're telling me you just see tiny little ears? Men are not well.

That's just Hans Christian Andersen wanting to fucking get busy with himself, thinking about a sea lady. Oh, Hans, I get it. Paradox. I understand. I'm with himself, thinking about a sea lady. Oh, hands. I get it. Paradox. I understand. I'm with you, man. That's right. It's my turn. The manatee. It's a great pick. The sea cow, the manatee. David Borey,

time for your second pick. I'm picking an octopus. Ooh. Super smart. That was next. Really beautiful. Which one? The big giant Pacific? Are we taking the king of the octopi? King of the octopi.

King of the mountain top of the hill. They got that crazy DNA that seems to be not linked to anything or whatever. Oh, yeah. What is that? Have you read any of those books? I don't really know. I'm not smart. Dude, they can crush.

They don't have any bones. It's the, like, they can crush up into like the mouth of like a Gatorade bottle it's the craziest shit yeah they can use tools they can like figure out puzzles and stuff they can recognize people Laura and her brother filmed one like going in and out of this bottle and you can see

the like they put their arms out and pull themselves out of the bottle dude it's wild no it's so crazy and obviously david and you guys saw my octopus teacher of course right yes that guy had a sexual relationship with that octopus i will swear it but many of the most um the greatest loves are you know sexual sexual component to them i i saw look the big you caught monster truck sobbing her fucking eyes out oh my god you don't think a loved one was truly ripped from my clutches i could not stop crying when that motherfucking octopus recognized that man who had been swimming out just a lost lost soul to find this octopus his own son on the land wondering

where his dad is and why he didn't love him or care about him but was just swimming out to this octopus every day and that octopus knew who he was. I lost my mind. Yeah. Have you guys seen it? Yeah. Wait, I think so. Yeah, my octopus teacher on Netflix. Beautiful, beautiful cinematography.

South Africa. I didn't watch it because something bad happened. Sean doesn't trust south africans oh i thought david stop spewing all this all this factual information wait no it took a second i was like wait i was trying to think of like if sean's like do i trust him i think a south african wrote me a bad check one time you don't trust the dutch so it's like yeah i guess a south african wrote me a bad check one time you don't trust the dutch so it's like yeah i guess it's an extension of that i don't trust africans saying they could

beat you in a foot race the other day that's all i'm saying yeah i don't know jeff tice was south african he barely by a small pubic hair that man beat me i actually heard it was by quite a bit oh did you know yeah it was a reasonable win If you want to talk about what the streets are saying. I didn't know he was going to beat you, honestly. Jeff Dice really has the look of a lifelong post player. Yeah, he does. I didn't see that coming, Sean. But there's next year.

I had money on Sean. I slipped. I had him. I was getting a coffee earlier. I'll tell you this. I was getting an iced coffee. And the iced coffee guy, who I don't even think knows you, heard like four or five lengths.

Ty said to you by. Of what? Pubes? Four tiny little pubes? Whole footsteps. Whole footfalls. Whole footfalls. And he said it with the authority of a man who has seen god yeah he walked back to earth he beat me

i got dusted that's fine listen listen happens to any real one any real one i'm excited i raced i didn't think i was gonna get to honestly yeah well you don't you don't lose if you don't get in the ring huh yeah you miss 100 of the shots you don't take i'm out here i'm beating it if you want to come to outwater village and race me on foot, I'll do it. But I know the terrain and I get to pick the path. The roost. I'll race you to the roost

and back. The octopus, they do have crazy DNA that's like alien DNA that doesn't link to any other. They have like no connective tissue to any other creature. I got to read that book. I think i think alien yeah that is the perfect description there is something extraterrestrial about them that makes them completely unrelated and um just leagues away from anything else on earth yeah they're real weird and they're smart

i like those weird smart and they're coming for you uh the octopus sean jordan time for your second and your third picks as it is what do we call it a serpentine that's serpentine draft i was gonna pick an octopus says ah it's clutch i'm gonna so now i'm gonna have to go the goblin shark you know what a goblin shark I have it on my list too, dude. Goblin is nuts. Damn it. Oh, I just had to do a Google and that is the scariest looking motherfucker I've ever seen. You know what they look like, David?

You ever looked at one of these things? Oh, no. Dude, it is a creature. No, I would have a heart attack if I saw one of these, like dead on the spot. Who the fuck wins? It's got those weird like billowy gills You know what the craziest thing about the goblin shark is Blair?

What? One's coming over to your house tonight How did they know where I live? It found out It's on the dark web It drives for postmates And so if you order Wingstop or whatever tonight Just be weary.

You guys doxxed me. You doxxed me because I didn't foot race. I know how this works. It's coming over. You do know how it works. Surprising you didn't race. Well, we have a lot of regrets. A lot of bodies left behind on the way to this point.

So many big dog shirts. Yeah, man. Goblin shark. That thing is a creature if I've ever seen one. I've never heard of this before this moment. I've never even heard the word goblin shark. And this is terrifying. The goblin shark is a rare species of deep sea shark sometimes called a living fossil. Talk about it. That's so, sometimes called a living fossil. Talk about it.

That's so buck. Just a living fossil. The lineage is 125 million years. So it just dates back so long. And it looks like it. It looks like it probably evolved at some point. And then it was like, nah, I'm done with that. I'm going to stay where I'm at.

I'm good. And I'm just going to get rid of my upper lip from the looks of things. It's all scary, dude. It's all scary. Everything about that shit is bad. It's just nuts thinking about that that is out there somewhere. So who does the Goblin Shark kill with? Who's sort of their crew?

It has no homies. I think it's a one-person crew, the Goblin Shark. That's sad. They're being it has no homies yeah i think it's a one a one person crew the goblin shark that's dark that's sad yeah then they're being oh god the footage of it is terrifying and and who are they killing with that bayonet like face oh everybody around this shit and it's like it's super deep water huh yeah yeah it's down there and i'm also seeing a diagram it's like a little bit bigger than a human which is just like too much but then i don't like it to be close in size to us that's

what makes it scary no it's yeah i know because then it feels like it would almost be considered a fair fight like i don't know about that it's also weird it's like it's got the nose thing that goes out but then it's jaw goes out, too. It's like, pick one. Or just have them both the same length. Like, why are you doing both of those things? They're just at the bottom of the ocean going like, I would pick one, but I can't. It's not up to me. Thanks, Joe.

I like the show. I'll be in D.C. It's very weird the paths that evolution has taken. I wonder what would have had to have happened in the world history for that to become the dominant creature on Earth. You know? A lot, dude. I don't even... Dork-ass animal.

Who's killing them? They seem, in my mind, sparse because I never heard of them until this moment. But maybe they're just so deep, deep, deep, deep down that they're forgotten about. I don't think anybody's killing the goblin shark no i mean what that'd be if you found one that'd be so nuts what are you killing it for you gotta keep it alive so it is like a living fossil it just goes back it's just like it's the only member of its lineage see that's like one of

those early ones where it's just like, this works good enough. It just somehow stuck around. Yeah. It was a rough draft of life. Anyway, one's coming over to Blair's house tonight if you want to see one. I met some people in my life that I would call rough drafts, but

God kind of just said, oh, that's good. I'm tired. That's fine. Nah, you figured that one out. Sean, do you want to do your third pick, dude? Third pick? I'm going the blobfish. You ever looked at a blobfish?

I don't even know what that is. It looks like the old guy, like a crazy version of the old man from Up. Like the first Google image. Oh my God, that sounds adorable. It's kind of adorable. Oh, I have seen this before. I didn't know this was real.

But it's just got a big old schnoz on it and it just looks like, oh, I don't know. Well, here's the thing. I hate to burst your bubble, bro. What? So the blobfish only looks like that because it naturally lives

like very, very, very, very deep in the ocean. Mm-hmm. And the way it gets pulled up like when the way it gets like surfaced it fucks up its face because it goes through so many like fathoms of pressure and everything that like going through them that fast just kind of like fucks its face up it looks like a kind of normal fish where it lives oh my god God, I know this fish. This is the one they do the side-by-side of Ted Cruz all the time. Yeah, that's the Ted Cruz fish. Yeah.

Yeah, well, just a dope-looking creature to me. I was just stoked on it when I was poking around because I was trying not to go things that I've never, ever heard of or seen. I was trying to find things where it's like okay at least i know what that is i'm not just like googling things but yeah this uh i don't

know i've just always thought i just want to speak on in defense of the blobfish here just because it's not a lot of people it's like if we were taking like ugly dudes and you took like george clooney thrown off a 30 story building yeah me wouldn't be ugly all right it's like with when once you hit the ground, I'm not talking about anywhere in between the 30 and the ground. It's like George Clooney after he's hit the ground from a 30 story fall. I still would.

I mean, we all would. He's still a gentleman. That's not the question. It's a charisma. The blobfish has that thing. No, I know what you're saying. That X factor where you're like, oh, this is ugly attractive. You know what I mean? I just think it's fun.

It's fun looking. I like it. It reminds me of the guy from the Goonies. Yeah. Sloth. Yeah, Sloth. Hey, you guys. But he does.

He has a very real sexual energy and like a power to him. I bet he smashes. Probably smashes all over the bottom of the ocean. He squishes. He does squish. David, time for your third pick. Oh, my third pick is going to be anglerfish. Yeah.

Just like what? It's so far away. It's like the blobfish too just this idea that there's this whole other world that we can't even get access to and they're just living down there they got their own politics they keep their own council it like looks the farthest away from the stuff we're used to seeing you know does that make sense yeah like it's like the most ocean-y thing okay again i just had to google this is the scariest you guys this is like a horror this is like the horror edition of sea creature this is the

scariest looking thing i've ever seen in my life the last three pics have been like heavy tim burton core yeah yeah yeah yeah my beloved wife laura was telling me facts about the anglerfish because she's made videos about tons of sea creatures. And the anglerfish will attach itself to the female and just like coast. And that's just like... In there. Yeah, I was going to say. I'm trying to live my life like that right now.

I'm like, I'm in that house. That's what I'm doing. Everybody go buy Anatomy, a love story. By Dana Schwartz. Yeah, dude. Yeah, anglerfish sound dope. Oh, you just got it right there on hand huh of course dude good husband there's the ring and there's the ring uh yeah anglerfish look fucked up that is a fucked up looking creature they're just but there's no two ways about it they look fucked up there. There's just a big, their mouth is so big and they have a tiny little tail at the back.

It looks like something a little goth kid would draw. It looks like a Danny DeVito fish. It does look like a Danny DeVito fish. If you look up fun facts, one of the, it straight up says male angler fish depend on females to survive. Likewise.

I think it kind of looks like Gary Busey. Ooh. Yeah, yeah. Because of the big mouth. I get that. I'll give you that. Look at their teeth. They just got nightmare teeth.

They just got rows of hella sharp teeth and a little angler. Some angler fish can produce their own source of light, bro. That's nice. Well, it's not. But it's like, isn't it like some kind of bacteria thing? It's not like. Bioluminescence. That's that bioluminescence.

I don't really understand the difference or like what it is even. I think we all get how bioluminescence works and it'd be a waste of time for us to sort of delve into that right now we don't even need to tell right we all get it if you don't know you can't afford it if you don't know you better know just go figure it out we don't want to waste your time even though it takes us a good 50 minutes to get to the first pick most of the time on this show i wouldn't be wearing glasses if i didn't understand how bioluminescence works and i would like the record to stay that i be wearing glasses if I didn't understand how bioluminescence works. And I would like the record to say that I'm wearing glasses. He's wearing them. We can see them.

Shit, my shirt. I got an art wall behind me. You think I don't know how bioluminescence works? Forget about it. I don't have anything because I just moved in. Yeah, but you got tall ceilings, bro. I'll tell you that for free. I got tall ass ceilings.

Condo life. And you got a deck where when we walked in the other day, there was a dude standing on it washing the windows. Beautiful. Oh my God. That looks so nice. You got tall ceilings in there, motherfucker. I do i do i do i have tall ceilings on a deck this dude repelled off of david's balcony while we were sitting in the living room it was in the window we didn't know he was here it was really bizarre he calls himself the window washer there was a dude and then he just

dipped yeah he really probably was planting like some chip or something so they can case the place but he just dipped over the balcony it was gnarly anyway anglerfish he wanted early access to afe he got it he got it he wanted the best he got it call down the thunder yeah there's a different it's exactly what you said david there's just a whole different set of rules down there in the ocean yeah i'm not sea. You couldn't walk into a bank looking like an angler fish, but they seem to make their way down there just fine. It's really wild. It's a whole wild scene down there.

Blair, it's time for your third pick. God, I had no idea when I woke up this morning that I was going to be getting an education. I've never even heard of any of these species. Okay. Edutainment. That's the name of the game at AFE whoa and legs

you know what my dogs I gotta go I gotta go with the seahorse you kidding me also they look like a baroque architecture like they button their Victorian collars all the way up to their chin.

I find them to be just the most delicate modicums of beauty. I'm glad they exist. When I think about them, I get a little twinkle in my eye. Also, excellent fathers. Excellent fathers, the seahorse. They carry the babies. Is that true? I've never heard of that in my life.

Yeah. Maybe I should take a tip. Yeah. Seahorses are out here living. Can I say about four years ago, I remember being at HeadGum Studios, and Sean revealed to me that he had just discovered that seahorses were real. He thought they were a mythical creature up until then. No, I understand what you're saying saying though because the they are so ethereal that it's hard to believe that they are real i had no idea no idea your wedding vows it did

laura ripped me up saying that i've seen a seahorse in in the wild and i want to say it is a breathtaking experience i can't imagine how big are they are they they're little they're like they're really little. Like that, right? Where'd you see one? The ocean. You saw, like, you just, were there a bunch? Detroit?

No, there were like two. Yeah, I saw he was on Hawthorne, dude. He was shopping for like a good little mug. He was at that bar that Michael Shannon was at during the Oscars in Chicago. Love square pizza. He was at the stander doing blow in the bathroom. during the Oscars in Chicago. Love square pizza.

He was at the stand or doing blow in the bathroom. I saw him in, I think it was either Hawaii or Mexico. I forget which, but I think Hawaii. How do they move? Do they just, are they like astronauts?

No, they just like kind of chill and float around. I think I've only seen one in real life like at the aquarium. Yeah. They hold on to, they hold on to like plants and stuff you'll mostly see them holding on to like seaweed i should take my daughter to an aquarium and go

see one i have a great one down in newport dude do a little weekend in newport long beach aquarium is the famous one i tried to drive down to lbc one time laura was performing there and it flooded the freeways flooded if you remember that it was like six years ago. I remember that day. And I had to turn around and come home. I almost got stuck in the Miracle Whip. It was buck. I'm talking Newport, Oregon. I don't know what they're doing in Newport, California. I was like, Newport Beach? I don't think they have shit there. No way.

I don't see any fucking seahorses in Newport Beach. Long Beach, Monterey, Newport, Oregon, Cape Disappointment, Washington. That's where you're going to find your aquariums. Is that a real Oregon, Cape Disappointment, Washington. That's where you're going to find your aquariums. Is that a real place called Cape Disappointment? Yeah. I think that's what it's called. David, verify?

I don't know. David, can you verify? I can't. I cannot, but I will not. Oh, wait. I'm thinking of Point Defiance. Cape Disappointment is real. Is that true? It's right across from Astoria, but I'm thinking of Point Defiance. Cape Disappointment is real. Is that true? It's right across from Astoria, but I'm thinking of Point Defiance in Tacoma.

Astoria in New York City? Oregon. Oregon. The Goonies. Yeah. Everything's in Oregon. It is. Exactly right.

That's exactly right. Most things are in South Dakota, but sure, I get it. Hold on. I'm getting a phone call. I got to take it. Keep talking to me. It's yourself.

Hello, Mr. Seahorse. And this is a live from Cape Disappointment. I mean, point defiance in Astoria, Oregon. Mr. Seahorse. I like how I went dark for the call. Yeah, this must be like a real call. Oh, that's a real call. That's like a real...

We made it into the vows where laura was talking about how um i don't know things i've said like through our courtship and one of them was like oh seahorses are real that's dope i was like definitely sounds like something she was hitting him with a lot of things she said she was like she loves that sean is so grateful and he she was like whoa we get free chips with the sandwich dope whoa there's outdoor escalators at this mall dope oh you mean seahorses are real dope it was like a three it was like a three banger dang i love that yeah that's an incredible quality to have because you know the gold posts are always moving in this life and you really if you can just hold on to the small

things it feels good i've been saying that my whole i don't know maybe not my whole life i don't know when it happened but it's like you do have to focus on those things because that's what that's what does it i mean honestly like we watched we sat on the couch and watched thor last night and she had some carrot cake. I had some wings. That sums up our relationship. Oh, okay, buddy. Let's not talk about heaven in front of other people right now.

Oh, my God. Speaking of heaven, I just got a phone call from Manny at Barbecue's Delore. Shout out to Manny. What did Manny say? I talked about Manny on TV, and somebody showed him the clip last night, and he just called me to tell me he's got charcoal with my name on it anytime I go in there. Is that why you went dark? So we couldn't see the look of excitement on your face?

You gotta take the cold call. You gotta take the cold call. Gotta take it. Manny, a.k.a. Mr. Seahorse. Mr. fucking Seahorse, dude. He's a good father. I was waiting on another call that's way more important. But look, if Manny calls, dude.

Yeah. I'm going to answer. No, I feel you. Yeah. Shout out to Manny at Barbecue's Galore. Where are we at right now? Seahorse, this beautiful creature. Yeah.

Time for my third and my fourth picks. Yes, sir. Back to back jacks. With my third pick, I'm taking the sperm whale. Mm-hmm. Ooh. Big fucking whale third pick, taking the sperm whale. Big fucking whale, dude. Gnarly whale. It's a toothy whale.

It's not a baleen whale. This is a whale with teeth. When I mentioned the Archie Toothis, the giant squid, the creature of lore earlier, this is the animal it's doing battle with. They found, they have sperm whales,

have like crazy scars all over their heads from fighting with the suckers because they got the big suckers there I love a sperm whale the inspiration for Moby Dick their heads are full of oil yeah is that why not crude oil

not crude oil but like it's what they use for like lanterns and lights for like a long time. Are you from the whale heads? It lights on fire. You can light their head oil on fire? That's why they hunted whales. It wasn't for the meat.

Yeah, they put in lipsticks for a while. Yeah. But not George W. Bush oil. No, no. No, hell yeah. I love a sperm oil oil i love a tough whale they sleep vertical yes they do that's like a vampire only vampires and oh no vampires don't sleep never mind i lie oh my god i'm humiliated but bats i thought they sleep in the daytime vampires sleep they sleep in coffee right no no but they yeah but they just like lay there with their eyes open what i didn't know vampires don't

sleep here's another fun sperm whale fact for you they eat three percent of their body weight daily okay i love that yeah i'd be very into doing that and some biologist was just having a laugh one day and was like, this fucking looks like sperm, dude. And it's stuck. That ain't what mine look like. It's stuck. They can swim down to 3,000 feet.

They can hold their breath for 90 minutes. These are just some sperm whale facts. They're fucking awesome. Where do the sperm whales live? Because you don't hear about sperm whales too much. Where is their natural habitat? Let me tell you in just a second here.

I'll tell you one thing. It's wherever they want. That's the first answer. I think the sperm whale, when they blew up the whale on the Oregon coast with the dynamite, I believe it was a sperm whale that had washed ashore. I think we've seen some. I think on whale watching. Yeah, that whole,

where they were trying to get it off the beach and they didn't know how. We are barbarians. I am sick of it. What was dead? A whale washed up. Yeah, it was dead. It washed up on the beach.

You haven't seen that video? It was a sperm whale. It you haven't seen that sperm whale it was a 45 foot sperm whale all right that's much better they're like we can't let this just rot on the beach because it's like a beach that people go to and everything and they were like well what do we do you can't really tow a 45 ton or like not 45 ton but like however heavy it was anyway what they decided to do was fill it with 20 cases of dynamite. Of course it was an eight ton carcass. Of course.

And then, and then chunks of the whale flew like all over the place. It crushed a car a quarter mile away. Are you fucking serious? Sperm whale guts just rained down on everybody. Like it all over the town in Florence, Oregon. Yeah.

And it like destroyed a car a quarter mile. It would have killed somebody a quarter mile away because it crushed a car. Just a big chunk of sperm whale. Who was the head of this coalition? Seventh grade boys? Seventh grade boys. The mayor of Florence, a seventh grade boy. No, I don't know.

It's just like what they thought was the best. And there's a clip on the news. You can go watch it. There sure is. I'll tell you what, I'm realizing I'm missing out on a lot of important news up in Oregon. Yeah.

The local goings-on are pretty fucking epic. The sperm whale. That's my third pick. The sperm whale. One of the true kings of the ocean. And we're going to get to the fourth and the final round right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real

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Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate. Oh, yeah, I got a song on Spotify as a rapper. That's neither here nor there. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate. Oh, yeah, I got a song on Spotify as a rapper. That's neither here nor there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with Policy Genius. Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fans. See everything already in progress. I just chose the sperm whale.

And it's time for my fourth pick. Pick it. I didn't intend to just go heavy hitters with my whole draft, but we're leaving. I guess the ocean is full of majestic creatures. You got like a big offensive line, huh? I got a big. I'm going with another heavy hitter. I have to take the aforementioned orca.

Stay in the Pacific Northwest for a moment. Take the killer whale. Yeah, that's the killer whale, right? The one that I'm taking. Yeah, the orca. Free willy, dude. Hold me like a River Jordan. Keiko lived at the Newport Aquarium in Oregon for a while, too.

Not to stay Oregon-centric. Now, Blair, this is where, if you want to talk about that video you saw. Oh, yeah. You know, I don't really come across too many videos of the animals fighting, the Michael Vick ocean fighting. But I did happen to see that one come across my feed of an orca whale absolutely making the great white shark. Absolutely making the great white shark his little bitch.

The bitch boy on the playground. Just fucking tossing that shit around like it was nothing. Like the great white shark never even had a name in this town. And I was surprised. I've never seen anything like that. That great white shark was defenseless. It was shocking to me. I never knew that was something that had a chain. Never even had a name in this town. I've never heard that.

Orcas are ruthless. You see them play with a seal like it's a football that they're just tossing around? Yeah, it's pretty intense. They're fucking gnarly. That's the killer whales in Star Trek 4, right? Is that right? I think it's a different kind of whale.

Oh, never mind. Never mind. That I won't mention. Orcas can go up on the beach if there's a seal on there and then sort of wriggle their way back in. What do they do? How do they get back? Wriggle their way back in. I believe it's in Chile.

It's in Chile where the whale is. I love that pronunciation. Chile. Oh, Chile. Chile. Yeah. Is that anywhere near Ibiza? No. No. It's in Chile where the whale is. I love that pronunciation. Chile. Chile. Is that anywhere near Ibiza? No. No. Attitude-wise, but not latitude-wise.

That's good. They hunt in pods. They're family creatures. They're ruthless. They have each other's backs. They look like they have giant eyes, but they don't. They have little beady eyes. They're rappers. I didn't know that.

Huh? They sound like rappers. Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand how. I just heard ruthless and have each other's backs. Yeah, yeah. Big eyes. Tiny eyes.

The orca. It's a first round talent. I got it in the fourth round. I think we're going to agree on that. Love that for you. Time for your fourth the fourth round. I think we're going to agree on that. Time for you a fourth pick. Okay. I'm going to have to go with the jellyfish.

I'm not much like the anglerfish, the sperm whale, a lot of aforementioned incredible drop picks. I don't want to come into contact with the jellyfish, personally. But the way they light up the motherfucking ocean,

they are the lamps of the sea. God of beauty, the jellyfish. Have you ever been stung? No, I haven't. But I saw my brother get stung a lot. A lot? Yeah, a lot. A lot. A lot? Yeah, a lot.

A lot. Anyway. He's a much bigger surfer than I was. You know, as the story goes, I retired at 14. And your brother's Kelly Slater. Yeah, my brother's Kelly Slater. That would be crazy because that would mean that I want to have sex with my brother and that would be bad but um no jellyfish like god watching them float in the ocean like if you do make it to the newport

aquarium of oregon not beach um you could see the way the jellyfish just suspended in the water so peaceful it is and the way they light up they're like the light brights of the way the jellyfish just suspended in the water so peaceful it is and the way they light up they're like the light brights of the sea the lamps of the sea and there's just really nothing like it to see i think they do look amazing they will be here long after any other creature dies like that true oh i think so like they just can live the greenland shark there's just nothing like nothing really eats jellyfish. And the condition, like the temperature changes in the ocean doesn't really affect it.

If anything, there's more of them now. There's no voter fraud down there either, which is a nice part of it. You know, actually a big part of it. The winners get the election. And if I did have to make one criticism,

if I did have to make one negative mention about the jellyfish is when you see one on the beach they have lost everything that they once were it is like when the pump when the carriage turns in to a pumpkin at. Just the shell of what they once were. Just the saddest fucking shit you have ever seen in your life. One's full of magic and just nothing.

Just a weak little blob. They have lots of everything. It is a bummer because you're like, oh, you were magic in the water. Like a ballerina that tore both, like tore both their ACLs. That is exactly what it is. It's so sad. Yeah.

There is a type of jellyfish that when it's attacked or damaged or whatever, like if something happens to it, it resets. So it can turn back into a baby and live its entire life cycle again. Whoa, that's fucking crazy. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that convenient? That sounds dope. It's just like, nope, going back to the beginning. The Immortal Jellyfish. The Immortal next album, dude.

The Immortal Jellyfish. It's wild. See if I can get past level 9 this time around. That's just a 9-year-old being like, God darn it. I guess I shouldn't try to go by that shark. Okay. I'm going to reset. There must be another way around.

David, time for your fourth pick. I mean, I can't believe they're still there. I'm taking dolphins. Yeah. I don't fuck with dolphins. What? What? Break it down, Bobby Brown. I just don't. I don't with dolphins okay what break it down bobby bro i just don't know yeah you don't need a reason i don't i don't like the way their skin looks creeps me out oh i don't know man what are they laughing at i like them i love it once it was

amazing i'm not advocating for sea worlds or, but it was crazy rubbery skin. They're super smart. They always look like they're having a good time. They look stoked all the time. Jumping beside boats and shit like that. Yeah, I like a dolphin. They look like an alien penis to me. It's the same way I feel about beluga whales. Sorry to say another pick if anyone's going to take it.

Oh, man, I also like them. I do, too. I don't like them. I can't believe you are okay with something looking like with the vestige of the anglerfish. And you say, no, I draw the line that dolphins is. Because at least the anglerfish is like doing something original. It's like got something to say. You know what I mean?

It's coming to the table or something. And like the dolphin is just like. The dolphins bought a football team. Knock it off. They're doing things. Exactly. Knock it off. Knock it off. They're doing things. Knock it off. Also, you said it looks like an alien penis.

Alien penises aren't real. Therefore, they look like dolphins. How do you think aliens reproduce? I mean, I think aliens are real. That's a kind of brain thing. It's a brain thing. They surf? Dolphins surf? I'm not saying it's a bad pick I'm not saying you're wrong

I'm saying that you don't fuck with dolphins like I saw some I've seen them and I was delighted if I'm being honest I was delighted but when I think about them in the abstract something doesn't sit right I think they've gotten a lot of press good and bad a little

too much and that I think that could have something to do with it. Where's the bad press? You're hearing it on this podcast from me. They haven't gotten any bad press. Do they rape each other? Oh, my. Sean, please. Sean, please.

Jesus Christ. Are you talking about it? David, if I can. God, this is 2017. Me too culture. Just won't fucking quit. David, if I could speak to you directly about the dolphin. I, one time when I was my junior year, and I don't know if you guys know this about me, if I could just be vulnerable with you for a minute.

When I was a born again Christian in in college for eight months and um i went on a mission trip i sailed down uh the amazon to go to villages that were only approachable by boat and then we were chased by uh by pirates and we had to hide for a while and it was really scary in some weird cove and um but we were like still like singing weird god songs and then um as a celebration for escaping the pirates we got to like swim one day and they had pink dolphins there and like they were actually pink they had no dorsal fin but we could barely swim with them because there are also piranhas side note did you know that piranhas are only like this big when i was a kid i imagined

piranhas as like these giant fish like the angler fish but um yeah those pink dolphins i'll never forget in my life because they were the time i escaped pirates for god i don't know if i'll forget any of that story ever in my life blair that was one of the buckest things i've ever heard i've lived a lot of lives that's wild i want is it i feel like i need that the two-hour version of that ultimately i did decide to stop being a born-again christian because i wanted to have sex with this guy but um you know it was a good time in my life to go to brazil dog Brazil. Dog. Man, that's heavy.

I don't know if it's heavy. It's epic. It's just a lot. It's the actual definition of epic. That is a wild story. I still pray a lot to an unidentified amorphous loving presence. I no longer identify with the Christian religion as I find it problematic, but

I do have fond memories of my foray, multiple forays. I pray to an anglerfish. Yeah, we know. We know. God help you, Ian. This man

doesn't approve of dolphins, lives and dies by the angler fish if i get the angler fish on my side i don't need god's help at all oh i think she would beg to differ wow okay is she the angler fish or god both dude both woke i gotta recover after that dolphin talk i was doing. Sean, time for your fourth pick. I still love them. Fourth pick, I'm going parrotfish. You know what a parrotfish is?

Is that a fan of Jimmy Buffett? It's like an ocean fan of Jimmy Buffett. They eat coral and they poop out white sandy. They're the ones that make the white sandy beaches. So they eat coral. No, they're not. Yes, they are. No.

Yeah, they are. God did that. She did not. She didn't do everything. Can you guys see my cape? Am I sitting in the right light to see my cape? I feel it. No, there's videos of it.

Laura made a video of it. They eat coral and you can see them pooping out sand. I think erosion creates the sand. I think they might video of it. They eat coral and you can see them pooping out sand. I think erosion creates the sand. I think they might also do it. Well, I don't know that they're responsible for every grain of sand, but look up the video. I'll send you a video. I'll buy that they poop out a sandy-like substance,

but I think most... Like a sandy beach is erosion. I wish I could get her in here. Oh, it does say they play a significant role in bio-erosion. He's telling the truth. I'm not. I don't think he was lying. I've came on here with enough unfactual information before that I've learned my lesson to not just make like play jazz.

There's videos of it. No, I wouldn't be putting you on lying. It just seems so hard, like hard to believe that these tiny fish are creating the sand. But look, it's been fact-checked. You're right. I am right. I only know I'm right because my much smarter wife told me this last night when we were talking about sea creatures. The famous white sand beaches of Hawaii, for example, actually come from the poop of parrotfish.

The fish bite and scrape algae off of rocks and dead corals with their parrot-like beaks, grind up the inedible calcium carbonate reef material made mostly of coral skeletons in their guts and then excrete it as sand. And there's videos and it looks like napalm coming down. It's pretty buck right out of their butts, but it's sand. I'm sorry for having doubted you. I apologize. They also look like clowns.

They look like they're wearing makeup and they're real dank. Yeah, they look like EDM concerts. Like, finally, honestly, finally a picture of a gorgeous animal and not like something, the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, man. A parrotfish. That's crazy.

Such a wild thing to think about that a fish, tiny little thing can do that. Shout out to Parrotfish. They've been holding it down for us. We had no idea. They're barely getting any credit out here. Talk about a workhorse. At least of all for me. My God, Caltrans could take a note.

Amen. Amen, brother. Yeah, so Parrotfish. Working fucking four hours, taking a three-hour lunch. And then number five. Ooh, here we go just because i think it's dank i'm going marlin i think marlins are real tight looking oh yeah florida yeah just a just a dank marlin i don't i don't really know anything about them other than you know kind of what they look like i googled them last night and

they do look as dope as i thought they did yeah they just look sick man they just like the lightning round baby yeah i know i always save the weird one where it's like i don't know but i just like a marlin so yeah you ain't gotta explain it marlin right yep perfect david boy red snapper fucking tasty delicious so good always wanted to catch one yuck always wanted to catch one delicious they're so good i had red snapper on the beach in hawaii the very same night i saw two sea turtles fucking are you laughing because snapper why do you think i'm laughing of course because it's a term for vagina i'm laughing at most things most of the time yeah it's a term for a vagina how have i not heard that one

you didn't hang out with the kids i grew up with oh my god i'm telling you when i tell you that i have been educated on this podcast like i don't know what i never knew the word snapper was that's gonna die yeah i like them they're. I want to catch one. That's it. Red Snapper, my last pick. Delicious. Blair, time for your final pick. Okay, this is really hard to end like this, but I'm going to have to go with the penguin. So fucking cute.

God made them walk like that because he knew I would just find them fucking adorable. I love the waddle. I love the waddle. It makes me so happy. Yeah. How could you not? Is it a sea creature? Oh, yeah. What do you think? We're calling it a sea creature?

Oh, yeah. You see a penguin in a forest and they're a sea creature. Come on. What are you trying to do here? Please. Yeah, I was hiking up the Rocky Mountains and I saw a penguin. Can you imagine if you saw fucking deep in the wood? You're in up the Rocky Mountains and I saw a penguin. Can you imagine if you saw fucking deep in the wood, you're in Colorado on a hike and you see a penguin?

Right at the top of some 14er, there was a penguin building a nest. A penguin nest. I'm turning back. No penguins at Bonnaroo, guys. All right. All right, the penguin. Oh, I love it. My final pick, i'm going to take as featured in the song under the sea from the little mermaid the blowfish

those things are little and then you fuck with them they get big dude yeah they do they pop they get big stay away oh i wish i was. I wish I was one of those. Me too. I'll be awesome. Little snail here knows how to whale here. That is a good song. It's so good. It's fantastic. Disney stills. I mean,

how far I'll go is a banger. Oh, incredible song. Oh, is that the Moana? That's the Moana one. Be a man from the world inside you. Be a man from Mulan. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, come on. Be a man. With all the strength of a raging fire. Yes. Yes. Yeah, that song's really good. See the blowfish blow. Yeah, it's so good.

Marissa, do you have a pick? Yeah, I'm going to pick shrimp. They're tasty and they look like aliens. Scramps. And I like eating them. Bugs. Fantastic. I got iodine poisoning. They look like those silver fish. They're so gross. I heard you, David. Thank you. I eat so many shrimp. I got

iodine poisoning. Goal. Big goal. Is that two chains? It's Pimp C. Is it Boosie? No, it's Pimp C. Pimp C, cheese and rice. All right.

Mercy Tech Shrimp. To recap, Sean, you went first. You took the blue whale, the goblin shark, the blobfish, the parrotfish, and the marlin. David, you went second. You took sea turtles, octopi, anglerfish, dolphins. And then, Sean, what was his last pick? How did I just forget?

Hold on. Hold on. This is crazy. You loved it. It was very funny. You loved it. Oh, yeah. No.

Native American vagina. Red snapper. Say it. David. What? Nothing. What? I don't know what he's talking about. Blair136, the Greenland shark, the manatee,

the seahorse, the jellyfish, and a pingaling. Y'all ever seen a video of Benedict Cumberbatch trying to say penguin? Yes. No. Do yourself a favor after this. Google Benedict Cumberbatch trying to say penguin. And then just enjoy your next three minutes. You're going to have a great time I guarantee it penguin

I went last I took the great white shark the giant squid the sperm whale the orcas and the blowfish come at my team dude you're not getting the quarterback you are not going to get the quarterback come at my team the quarterback is Josh Allen he's

dangerous enough on his own we want to hear your big citizen of an all-fantasy pod on Twitter, allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the AFE, just slackety, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to super

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