All Fantasy Everything - Sidekicks (w/ Phoebe Bottoms and Alex Falcone)

Episode Date: May 18, 2017

Was it cold there, standing in your shadow? Not today, baaaaby, 'cus we're drafting sidekicks. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Phoebe Bottoms and Alex Falcone to figure out the who's who of who's standing next to who's who. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Welcome to another brand new All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. The podcast that does a double backflip into a swimming pool, cracks its head on the side of the pool, and while it's laying on the side, bleeding out into a pile of a puddle, even, that eventually mixes with both some spilled suntan lotion and a Miller High Life that had been knocked over. And the slurry

of those three liquids creates a slick and in that slick you see your own reflection as you slowly pass into unconscious and you think about your life and you think, oh, I can fantasy draft some of that. Just laying in a pile

of blood. Yeah, you're fine, by the way. You make it, but you never double backflip into a pool again. It's single backflips from here on out for you, young man. Is this the last episode of the show? No, no, no, no. The last, since my breakup, have all sort of started dark like this

been getting dark yeah yeah uh today on the podcast as you probably read in the description we are drafting sidekicks not the cell phone thing from the 90s or early 2000s were you open the phone yeah was that what they were yeah samsung sidekick unless that was somebody's funny pick it was not anymore you were gonna go with that it was low on my list but we were all it was i'm glad i'm glad we've stricken it from the record so we're going to have to go deeper for novelty picks here uh but we're yeah sidekicks yeah no main kicks here no main kicks no just off to the side main kicks a whole other podcast uh today drafting sidekicks with me we have a stand-up comedian podcast host author yeah alex falcone best-selling author best-selling author it's

it's the best-selling book i've ever written beth that's the number one on the alex falcone it is of my books do you know who i envy is the comedian beth stelling because if she ever puts out a book she's a a Beth Stelling author. And if you slur it enough. Oh, that's pretty good. You're none the wiser. At Alex underscore Falcone on Twitter. Under thing in there.

There's the underscore in there. Author of the book which you just handed me, Unwrap My Heart. Yeah, it's a romance novel about a teenage girl who falls in love with a mummy. Oh. She doesn't know he's a mummy at the time. No. That would be ridiculous. Don't spoil your own book. On the cover, it's a girl's hand holding with a mummy so you kind of

know oh it's well also i have bad eyes i can't see it from all the way five feet over the back also spoils it also the title yeah all right this thing's full up but it's the publishing house completely legitimate publishing. That's very funny. Yeah. It turned out to be a mistake. Why? Because somebody bought one of the audio books and it listed as a completely legitimate publishing

and their credit card rejected the charge because they didn't think it sounded legitimate. How do you mess that up? But that's like an FBI van that puts like Flowers by Irving on the side of it. Or like not a police van. Yeah, right. that's too clever of a uh that's very funny well that you wrote it with a fellow named ezra fox do you do your podcast with him yeah he's my podcast co-host of the read it and weep podcast that's correct which i did ages ago back when we were still uh bouncing around the rose city portland oregon little amsterdam a lot of people call it no jewel of the Pacific Northwest.

Yeah. Nobody calls it that. But yeah, that's when you did the podcast. It was great. Yeah, we're on like episode 390, something around a minute. Us too, so. You're in the 30. I think this is going to be 32.

Double figures. Unless somebody says something controversial and we have to bump it. And then this is the lost episode. And then it's the lost episode that we put out after I'm gunned down in my prime. 32 double figures unless somebody says something controversial and we have to bump it and then this is the lost episode then it's the last episode that we put out after i'm gunned down in my prime uh the podcast read it if you die early yeah the race for a comedian to tweet that i know will be unbelievable i've thought about it forever i'm gonna build a bot just in case you should even when there's unconfirmed reports. Even if you see me struggling up a staircase, you should tweet it. Just regularly.

Not only is Alex Falcone here, we are also joined by stand-up comedian Phoebe Bottoms. Hello. At Phoebe Bottoms on Twitter. That's me. You may know her. She was recently at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. I was there. You were there doing stand-up comedy.

Yes, I was. And also puppetry, which you do. I did do some of that. I did some playing with dolls in front of other human people. One might even say Muppetry. Muppetry. Some might say Muppetry. Yeah.

It was funny. I've never seen puppets that up close before. It's compelling. And she's very good at it. You guys, all right. Thank you. So this whole pocket, we're just drafting things we like about you and your puppets. I like the way they walk.

I want five things from both of you on my desk tomorrow morning. Absolutely. You need to get a desk first. Top five? I like that she doesn't have a desk. Yeah. She writes on the couch when she wants to. She writes on one of those TV trays from when you were sick and you would eat grilled cheese

sandwiches. Did you guys ever have those? Yeah. TV trays or grilled cheese sandwiches? We'll start with the first one because I feel like grilled cheese, but if you've never had a grilled cheese, that's an interesting story too. It is, but I have.

I love a TV tray. I love the TV tray. I love it. We don't have them anymore. Now it's just my pants. Now it's just my fucking pants and that's my TV tray and I'll put whatever on that.

I don't care. Fried chicken. I also eat over my pants and I was reading recently there was somebody who was saying you're not supposed to wash jeans.

Yes. But that sounds like a person who has a table. That is somebody with a table. If you're not supposed to wash them, how do you get

the hot sauce out? Yeah. I got mustard on all of my jeans. What am I talking about? Don't I have fucking hot sauce on my jeans? What am I not?

I hope you live my best life. It's ridiculous. Speaking of best life, I should update the list. Sean Jordan and David Borey have it. Well, Sean was on the last one. But David Borey's just been in fucking Norway for some reason. Really? He didn't explain it to me or anybody.

Anyway, he's over in Norway just whiling out. And Sean Jordan is on the road for a couple weeks. Yeah. He's in the Rose City. He's in the Rose City right now at Harvey's Comedy Club, right? Yeah, but he doesn't want anyone to know that because he's really embarrassed about it yeah yeah it'd be a pity if it ended up on a podcast where a bunch of people know a lot about him yeah get at him on twitter and tell him how cool you think it is that he's working at harvey's

comedy club yeah the uh probably the best comedy club in that particular building in portland it's the best comedy club in the heroin district yes portland yeah yeah which is getting smaller and smaller is that sad shout out to gentrification uh today so what first of all do i like to do this up top because at the end maybe nobody listens you have any plugs anything coming up alex uh i the plugs are the book and the podcast you did a great job of it but you should definitely definitely check out Unwrap My Heart if you like young adult paranormal romance or funny books or anything around that. Should we sing it like it's the Toni Braxton song? You should every time. Unwrap my heart.

You're a mummy again. See? Yeah, you did it. I was going to give you a hand with that, but you already knew the second verse. Weird Ian Yankovic. I'm going to give you a hand with that, but you already knew the second verse. Weird Ian Yankovich. Or we were making that joke at work the other day, and Nate Fernald was like, you're a regular Ian Al. That's a bad miss.

You do the other part of it. Yeah, unwrapmyheart.com. You can read an excerpt from it. That's fun. And it's like Twilight Wh it was with mummies. Nice. It's real gross. I'm hoping it gets picked up an option into a movie in a similar way.

It is gross. So I don't know if it would play well on the big screen. Oh, do like dongs fall off and stuff? Does a dong fall off? I don't want to spoil anything for you, but he's a very fragile body. Oh, my God. I got to read this thing. All right.

Phoebe, anything coming up to plug? but he's a very fragile body. Oh my God. I got to read this thing. All right. Phoebe, anything coming up to plug? The most exciting thing is that I'm doing a show at a bicycle store on Fountain Avenue. Wait, there's a bike shop show here?

Well, no. They do something called Vibe Night once a month. Sure. And I got, they're like, do you want 30 minutes? And we won't pay you, but we can give you credit towards bike parts. And I said, I hate bikes, but I need time. So no one else is performing.

I don't know. It's just bike sales and then they take a break. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I was supposed to do it last month before Bridgetown and I got the worst stomach flu I've ever had. And I tried to rally to go do it and I couldn't. So I sent our friend Matt Kirshen another great comic shout out to Matt Kirshen

tagged him in to go and he like was texting me during it saying it was one of the weirdest shows he'd ever done and he'd catch me up about it later and I haven't no one's seen him since he was carotid with a bike chain so I haven't, no one's seen him since. He was killed. He was carotid with a bike chain.

So I don't know what to expect still. So if you want to see Phoebe get murdered in a bike shop. In a bicycle shop. When is that? If people actually do want to see it in Los Angeles. It's June June 16th.

Could be June 16th. June 16th. Follow be June 16th. June 16th. Follow her Twitter. Can't for more updates on it. Yeah. And then the week after we'll be in Toronto. Oh yeah. Doing a,

doing standup comedy at the comedy bar. Yeah. Oh yeah. Ontario, Canada. Yeah. And yeah, it's going to be,

it's going to be fun. Shows on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Get your tickets now. You got to stop saying that second T buddy. Oh, Toronto. Toronto. I do. I did that last time. I, and Sunday. Get your tickets now. You gotta stop saying that second T, buddy. Oh, Toronto. Toronto. I did that last time, and I blew it this time.

I fucked up. The Comedy Bar's website is on the internet. I'll tell you that for sure. Comedybar.canada.uk.thequeen is still a thing. It's comedybar.ca. So go there, grab tickets, come out, and yeah, that's it. We're working on maybe doing a live podcast there as well. Do it.

Stay tuned for that. If there's any interest from Toronto listeners, please at me to see if it's even worth it. At him, everybody. On Twitter. Use Twitter. Add Ian Carmel. All right. Without further ado, it is time to determine the draft order of the sidekicks draft, which

means the two of you will play a rollicking game of rock, scissors and we go on shoot all right this is a shoot classic shoot situation and i'm going to call the action and this is one-on-one so i mean there's no two ways to parse what happens here rock paper scissors shoot neither of you did anything you weren't clear that that was the real thing i thought you were giving us an example as though there needed to be an example illustrated so here's what the words thing. I thought you were giving us an example. I thought you were showing us an example of how to do it. I thought there needed to be an example illustrated. So here's what the words will sound like when you hear them in another 10 seconds. I thought you just both had weird rock-paper strategies where you didn't throw those. Like you didn't throw the preliminary rock-paper-scissors.

Do we just get kicked off the podcast now? You might. I guess you go first. Okay. All right. Let's do it one more time. We're doing it for real. I'm going to throw scissors.

Are you going to tell me what it... He says he's throwing scissors. All right. All right, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. What are you doing? You didn't even go on... I told her I was throwing scissors so I could...

All right, I landed. It was a rock. I crushed your stupid scissors. This is falling apart from Jump Street. I won. Phoebe, you win the rock, paper, scissors, which means you get to determine the draft order. And I will point out to our listeners, this is a serpentine draft. So if you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round.

Much like the famous serpent. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. If you pick third in the first round, you pick first. In the second round. That's right. All right.

So the worst spot You know, serpentine. So the safest spot for me being first is to put someone second. Listen, it really depends on what you want.

Do you want that coveted first pick? Yeah. Or do you want the third and fourth pick? It's all about strategy. I'm going to I'm going to do

me first. Phoebe's first. You second because I feel like we'll pick the same things most likely. Me and George Carmel from Beaverton, Oregon going second. And then Alex's third. Alex's third is picking third,

which means Phoebe Bottoms, you are on the clock with the first pick in the all fantasy everything sidekick draft. I'm so nervous. All right, guys. So here's the thing is there's a lot of ways to go. There's a lot of hearts to be broken. There's a lot of hearts to be broken. Yeah.

There's a lot of interpretations to be made about what a sidekick is. I go all over the map. Sure. But for my first sidekick. Yeah. I'm going as literal as you can with Hank Kingsley. Hank Kingsley. That's a good pick from the Larry Sanders show.

Oh, yes. Okay. He is a staunch sidekick through and through. That is his identity. And boy, is he... He's my favorite. He's amazing at it. He's good at saying applesauce.

Hey now. Yeah. Yeah, he's a sidekick. Saying hey now as well. And he also represents the larger group of professional sidekicks, which are the late night talk show sidekicks. That's definitely a category. I don't know who this person is, so I'm going to riff

really hard. Have you never seen Larry Sanders? I've not seen Larry Sanders. Oh, what a gift. Now you get to see it for the first time. That's such an optimistic way to think of my not having a lot of pop culture experience. I could drag you through the mud on, and I will later on the internet, but right now, I think it's so nice that you haven't seen it.

Hank Kingsley played by Jeffrey Tambor, who we may know from Arrested Development, from Transparent. But yeah, that was, I think, really where America started to fall in love with him. He had a deep voice. He was a deeply insecure buffoon based on another actual sidekick from the real world. That we're not allowed to say. That we're not allowed to say. That we're not allowed to say. Then Sean would get angry.

Because that would be giving it away. What do you, Pheebs, what do you like so much about this Hank Hingsley fella? He's one of the most complex, pathetic characters in, I don't know, human literature that I think has ever existed. And I picked him mostly because a lot of the reasons why he's so complicated and so pathetic is because of him being a sidekick.

He's inadequate in every imaginable way, emotionally, professionally. That's not one of the criteria I had. When I was listing things I like about sidekicks, it was never like inadequacy, sadness. It isn't for all of them you can't block out the sun you gotta be a sidekick yeah yeah yeah no that's definitely on my list but not inadequacy he's for this specific instance of sidekickery and it will look like i said i'm working on a lot of levels as far as criteria goes later on i just thought i'd start off you you know, favorite food, pizza.

Sure. Favorite sidekick, best sidekick, Hank Kingsley, hands down. I'm in this to win it for the after voting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an appeal to the masses. I really feel like, you know, fucking idiots. We certainly rewarded Sean Jordan. You hear me, you sheep?

Do you announce the winner from the previous week? Sometimes. Sometimes it's just there to look at. I'm really in it for the thrill of the previous week sometimes sometimes it's just there to look at i'm really in it for the thrill of the the hit yeah and all the voting afterwards whatever no i look at it dear listeners i do who won the serial draft uh sean jordan won the serial he did yeah sean jordan won that maybe i should start announcing that on that would be fun yeah but i don't want people to go out of order and spoil it if they really care they know where to come find it at ian carmel yeah but they wouldn't know the to go out of order and spoil it. If they really care, they know where to come find it. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. Yeah, but they wouldn't know the picks.

Huh? It wouldn't be a spoiler because the people listening wouldn't. The whole excitement is knowing what people pick. It's not who wins. I don't have a lot of. It can't be a terrible spoiler if you didn't even tell people normally. I'm busy. I'm a very busy person.

Just get one of the HeadGum interns to sit down each week and announce the winner from last week was Sean Jordan. If you want to know who won, come find me in LA. I'd be happy to tell you person to person. I've had it with all this digital. Hey, yo, I'm tired of using technology. Why don't you come run up on top of me and I'll tell you who won last week's draft. This time it was Sean Jordan. But if you want to find out who won this draft, come hang out in Glendale.

Go wait outside the CBS studios. Yeah, Television City, and then wait for a Prius with no bumper on the back of it. It looks like Terminator at the end of Terminator. It's pretty dope. I like it. Because there's so many silver, I don't know, for the listeners, I don't have a bumper on the back of my Prius, but everyone in LA has a silver Prius,

so now in a parking lot, oh, where's Ian's? It's that one without a bumper on the back. I literally parked behind you knowingly. I mean, it was the only spot also. And you could have parked closer behind me than most other Silver Prius. I had the thought when I was parallel parking, I was like, oh, I could hit it and it wouldn't matter. Wait, wouldn't it matter more with no bumper? No.

What's it going to tear off? Yeah, there's nothing there. We'll show you after the podcast. You'll see. Hank Kingsley is such a great high status character who thinks he's very high status. I agree. But is always like the butt of jokes. Yeah.

He takes so much pride in his being a sidekick. Yeah. I agree with that too. It's so good. I love all his little side hustles. Do you, off the top of your head, is there a favorite Hank Kingsley moment? Oh my God. There's a lot.

There's one moment where he accidentally calls Larry's ex-wife that Larry's seeing again a cunt. Oh yeah. And the look on his face when he realizes that he's done that is one of the most incredible. He's like, oh no. most incredible he's like oh no and and he just sort of like i don't know he collapses inside of himself in front of your eyes and just sort of like wanders away trying to like drag the last few moments with him yeah and it's just beautiful there's also a moment in the pilot where he's talking about uh he doesn't like you said, he does all these side gigs.

Yes. Always trying to get another hustle going, like invest in a restaurant or whatever. Yeah. He does something for the Jolly Green Giant, and he's like, no matter what they tell you, don't put on those tights. Oh, no. They're good people, but don't do it. Those are my favorite moments, too. I'm not doing that justice.

Those are some alex's favorite moments hank kingsley hank kingsley's number one excellent sidekick thanks everybody i think a lot of people are gonna agree with you on that ian carmel has the second pick in the uh in the sidekick draft and with that second pick i have to take my dude and yours chewbacca the from casheck chewbacca gotta get gotta get chewbacca sorry from what chewbacca the Wookiee from Kashuk. Yeah, Chewbacca. Gotta get Chewbacca. Sorry, from what? Chewbacca the Wookiee from Kashuk. Oh, I'm not. From the motion picture franchise. I'm not entirely sure.

Were you thinking of a different Chewbacca? No, I don't know what you're talking about. Sorry. I'm just doing a bit. That was a bit of humor. That was a fun little one of your skits that you like to do. I was doing a recital for everybody. Yeah, just a little comedy recital.

It's important that you say his planet, because otherwise we wouldn't think of his whole family and life day. Yeah. Yeah, right. Exactly. The Christmas special? The great Christmas special. Oh.

Christmas special. One of the three good Star Wars movies. I fuck with Chewbacca, man. He's sassy. He's great. I love how sassy he is. He'll rip your arm off? He'll rip your arms off.

Also, like, mediocre at future chess? If you meet him at that weird chess game. Yeah. Yeah. He's not your arm off. He'll rip your arms off. Also like mediocre at future chess. If you meet him at that weird chess game. Yeah. Yeah. He's not great at it. He just seems like, I see a lot of myself in Chewbacca. Can I say that to you guys right now? I need three specifics.

I need two, but you can do a third if you want. Okay. I'll get three of them. A little bit sassy. Uh-huh. You know? Gigantic. Takes up a lot of room in a spaceship.

That's both of us. Where space is at a premium. Yeah. And I also wouldn't have gone down to that garbage chute. I would have been right there with Chewbacca. I'd have been like, I don't know, Han. It seems crazy to me. I think we should figure out a second.

When they're standing outside, it seems like, no, don't go to garbage chutes. When you see that the garbage is just large pieces of plastic, it's not that gross. A lot of that garbage. Where did that garbage water come from? Because it is all just like discarded technology. It should be a dumpster behind like a Best Buy, basically. Yeah. It could be battery sweat.

Oh, it could be a battery sweat. It's a lot of battery sweat in spaceships. Yeah. That's true. I mean, that solved it. It was definitely battery sweat down there. Yeah. I just love, he's my favorite was he's such a little sweetie and he's a big

sweetie so and he does it is it weird that he's han's sidekick and han is sort of luke's sidekick does it matter that it's like a second level secondary i never i never thought of han solo as a uh sidekick to luke skywalker yeah i Yeah. I mean, he's definitely a secondary character, but I never saw him as servile to Luke Skywalker. Well, I mean, they both made out with the same girl. That's true. Chewbacca didn't. No. Do you think Chewbacca fucks?

Yes. Fuck yeah, man. I'm going to just answer that right now. Oh my God. Yes. Absolutely. I would be afraid. If nothing else, I hope.

I hope he does. I would be afraid he would rip my dick off. Absolutely. Well, we never say he's not wearing pants, so the dick can't be that big oh but they're in the new in in the new movie yeah there is the part where he's bragging to the nurse who's like helping heal him yeah about how bad the like how bad he's hurt and like how cool he is i think he was trying to fuck that nurse probably putting the moves on ready to fuck a nurse. Just because he's not showing 100% of the time. Like, think about a horse's dick.

He's a growler. I mean, I probably don't even have to tell you to. Give me a second. Okay. Get there mentally. I'm ready. It unfurls, you know? There's an unfurling that happens.

There's a rolling out there. I feel like an unfurl is a specific thing that happens. Only flags do. Like a fern. With a fern? Like a fern. It starts off like a spiral and then unfurl is a specific thing that happens. Only flags do. Like a fern. With a fern? Like a fern. It starts up like a spiral and then unfurls. I mean, I guess.

Doesn't a horse's penis do that? I mean, it's not like a party whistle, but it's... My eyes are closed every time I feel one. It comes out of nowhere. So what you're saying is that just Chewbacca is flaccid in all of the movies that we've seen. It's tucked up inside of him. It goes inside of him. And then it just kind of like drops out like a bucket of water.

That could be. Are we for sure that the male has a penis in that species? No. Not even. Could be a different kind of fertilizer. He could have like semen hands. He could have a gland he expresses. Yeah, he could.

Yeah. I don't know. I think maybe. Then there'd have to be Wookiee eggs. And I don't think that's what happens. I don't think there's Wookiee eggs either. I would love that Then there'd have to be Wookie eggs. And I don't think that's what happened. Boy, I. I don't think there's Wookie eggs there.

I would love that though. What if it is Wookie eggs? Although maybe it's more like a whale because the whale does disappear inside its body. Oh yeah, it does. You don't just see a whale.

Like picture a whale's dick. I'm there. I'm there. Okay, good. It's not always available. Oh, you mean that's, it doesn't just float behind them at all times

like an untied rope? It's trailing like he's towing a car behind his moving van. Like he just got cut off like a hanging noose and he's just running away. The whale's beaten town. If it did, though, that would definitely be an attraction at like a, like what are those grown up resorts? Sandals. Sandals. Oh oh yeah no uh what is the there's that one that's like just for like singles to go stop at yes called like uh

that was sandals no sandals is for like you can bring the kids this one is called yeah it's got another where it's like it was a sponsor of top chef this year and they did this little cutaway where it was like for where they're like cooking at this restaurant or at the restaurant in this fancy uh have sex resort yeah and uh they did not show the scene where all the pas just uh bleached all of the surfaces oh yeah because if you watch the ad it's like no you couldn't fuck on the counters here adult that's awful what did you what did you google i'm curious adult resorts adult resorts for singles i don't know why there's no one at home right now who's like what is it maybe it'll come to know if you needed to if you were in that place in your life oh it's right on the tip of my tongue you're gonna kill myself what the fuck is it we gotta move on last

last resort last resort that's what it's the pop Papa Roach themed adult resort. Yeah. Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. It's literally like, I can't meet anyone in New York. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to an island just to exist in a fuck swamp. And then you can tell Papa Roach is into a little choking. Yeah. Suffocation, no breathing.

Oh my God. Helps him cum. Yeah. That's that next line, right? Yeah. You know who else cums? Chewbacca at number one on my pick list. Nice.

Wow. Not actually cumbing. Yeah. That's a real episode 32 kind of. Thank you very much. I'm practiced at this point. Bring back. I just love him.

I feel like I could travel around the galaxy of the Chewbacca. Yeah. I think everybody could. I feel it's a great pick. He's a professional road tripper. The other thing I appreciate about him is he calls Han Solo out on his shit every now and then. You know what I appreciate about him as a pick for the show is that if you Google best sidekicks, he's on the top of every list. I didn't do that.

Real basic on this pick, but not wrong. Well, I can't wait to see where you go then, Mr. Judgmental right out of the gate. Alex Falcone, you have the third pick, your first pick in the All Fantasy Everything sidekick. I'm looking at it, but I don't even have to check because I know who I'm taking. Coming in at number one,

easily. You both went with characters. I'm going with a real person. And I know there's a bunch of ways you can take this. My categories, by the way, what I'm looking for. Sure. Loyalty. Let's peek behind the veil.

Loyalty is number one. Yeah. Not eclipsing the star. You gotta be humble. Chewbacca. Right. Covered. They have their own powers.

They're doing something separate and different and good. A bowcaster, for example. Easy to hang out with because a lot of the time, especially if you're a hero, you're not always saving shit.

That's true. You want a good travel buddy. Are you just describing Joe Biden? Joe Biden was my pick. No, stop it. Joe Biden. I had him on my list too. Number one with a bullet.

Joe Biden. Oh my God. I had him on my list. That was going to be my, I thought I was going to be a sleeper pick. No. God damn it.

That's why I took it first. I thought you guys might jump on Joe Biden. Fuck. Joe Biden, absolutely. God damn it. The most loyal. Yeah.

Great travel buddy. Always in the mood to get ice cream with you. And pussy. There was a point. I believe there was a point in his life. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

He's got his own powers. He did a big thing for gay marriage. He just kind of snuck out. He was like, we're going to do gay marriage now even though the president's not ready. Humble, always riding that train. Yeah. He is a humble guy.

Super humble guy. Yeah. And that thing where the president gave him the Medal of Freedom and he bawled. Oh my God. Oh,

what a moment. Talk about a sidekick lead character moment. That is. Yes. That's, I mean, that's better than putting the medal

on Chewbacca. I will say Chewbacca did itca. I will say Chewbacca did it first. I will say Chewbacca did it way first. Received a medal. Didn't cry. Wasn't as beautiful.

He went like in a mournful sort of pleading way. Was that Joe Biden or was that Chewbacca? That was Joe Biden. But Chewbacca made a similar sound.

And both of them coming. That's what that sounds like. Well, Joe Biden might make that noise because all the ice cream, all that lactose buildup. Probably a very mucousy president vice president picture of him in portland eating salt and straw ice cream holding out a ten dollar bill in the aviator shades we've

never had a cool and and you would not have thought when he was first picked you weren't like joe biden the cool vice president and then he was then he turned out to be the coolest now we have fucking mike pence that fucking raccoon looking, not raccoon, possum looking motherfucker. He looks like a baby possum. Yeah, be nice to raccoons. He looks like a baby possum where they're mostly pink, but you have a little fur on them.

He's got beady little eyes. He's like a possum that wants to eat gay rights. I hate him. I hate Mike Pence. That vice president debate where he would just chuckle and then say the most evil thing you've ever heard. Yeah, exactly. I don't think they're people the effortless evil yeah oh yeah yeah interestingly kind of a similar pick right because pence was meant like was like we got this crazy

president we need a sane racist president yeah somebody with some vice president who's litigated away people's rights who's been in the trenches fucking shit up for the country. And with Brock, it was like, we need an old white guy to make the old white guys feel safe in this pick, in voting for this guy. And he did that, but then turned out to be pushing and a little more liberal even than the president. What a steep fall from Joe Biden to Mike Pence. I know. That's like if they replaced the original Aunt Viv with just like... A mime. Just a mime.

Who stabbed everyone else on the cast yeah joe biden absolutely number one sidekick great i i love that i would take a and he unlike you guys's characters which are decent picks he's real but to be fair we all had joe biden yeah yeah we had him on our list but he he took him first. And you had opportunities before me. I had the worst draft pick. Yeah. I had the worst pick in the first round. I will say Joe Biden's never been part of making the Kessel Run really quickly.

Just in defense of my pick, we don't know what Joe Biden's Kessel Run time is. How many things do you measure by Kessel Runs? How often does that come up? It comes up a lot. On Yelp, I always look for the Kessel Run score. Especially if it's a food truck how fast did los burritos make the kessel run pretty quick not fast enough go into the next one uh god i love joe biden do you want him to run for president he'll be a little bit older in 2020 but do you want him he is old and i would love to say that he's too old to be present but but our president is also very old.

Old as hell. So he's kind of like put age into play again. Well, Bernie Sanders would have been 83 at the end of a two-term presidency. Yeah. Yeah. Also old. All things are possible. And I thought he was too old, but then we elected a really old guy.

Yeah. Or oldest, fattest, and dumbest president, uh jeb lund calls him uh what about taft he was not our oldest no he was probably fatter yeah yeah he was but he was like 1800s fat like right now i bet like he was probably like 200 pounds you get him to now and you put him in like uh some street wear and some yeezys yeah yeah it was harder to cover up yeah yeah you could bring him to like dayton ohio and he'd probably be in an eligible bachelor. He's doing, yeah. Centerfold.

Completely centerfold. He'd be doing Tough Mudders and shit. Yeah. Yeah, Taft would be doing Tough Mudders in 2017. Man, I don't usually like body shaving. For some reason, with Taft, it's fun. Yeah. I enjoy it when it's in the 1800s.

Well, it's because he got stuck in a bathtub. We're not shaming him. We're building him up. Well, you're right. You're shaming Ohio. Oh, yeah, but not shaming him. We're building him up. Well, you're right. You're shaming Ohio. Oh, yeah. But Ohio shames Ohio. If anyone's listening from Ohio, I have family there.

I can say horrible things about your stupid state. No, it isn't. I'm just pandering. They can hear how Jewish you are. I think that takes away any credentials you have with making fun of them. Look, if you're listening from Ohio, then, you know, take comfort knowing that there were people there once who weren't Jewish, but, you know, later impregnated other Jews.

Is this the story of your family? Yeah, that's it. That's where Batman begins. They were flying over, pushed one of them out. That's how Ohio started. Yeah. Push out of a Zeppelin for sport in the 1930s. They used to push Jews out of Zeppelins. And they called it making the Kessel Run.

Alex Falcone, you also have the first pick in the second round. The first pick after our citation by the Anti-Defamation League. Officially qualified as a hate podcast now. I was condemned by them briefly. Were you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. Thank you very much.

Interestingly enough, though, you were commended by the Pro-Defamation League. The Pro, yeah. They were like, this guy's defaming the shit out of us. You got to remember, there's more than one defamation league. So many leagues. There's the American League and the National. On Chelsea lately, I made a joke about how Germany had won the World Cup, the Soccer World Cup. And I said, it's so nice for them to have something gold that they didn't pull out of my grandmother's mouth.

And the Anti-Defamation League, who protect Jews, thought that that was a joke at the expense of the Holocaust on television. And I was mentioned in an article. You said their grandmothers, not their. I like it. Thank you. This is a great joke. Thank you very much. That's why you need a pro-defamation league.

To be out there saying, like, good jokey and you win. There's some decent defamation. Yeah. I think the three of us could start a pro-defamation league. Yeah, we should. A startup. We definitely should. That's some decent defamation. Yeah. I think the three of us could start a pro defamation league. Yeah, we should. A startup. We definitely should. That's a very different podcast. We'll practice on Saturdays. Alex, time for your second pick, the first pick of the second round. So I'm gonna go

I'm gonna go defensive because I'm worried that you guys also have this person on your lists. Fuck. And I think my other ones are probably safer. First round, or first pick in the second round goes to hermione granger oh not on my list not on my list not on my list i would have thought hermione over uh over joe biden but really yeah i think that just shows how much sex we're all having that we pick pussy hound joe biden yeah over over uh weasley hound teen wizard i feel like by the end of the franchise

hermione was close to getting it right no she's all ron weasley yeah she get yeah she was getting the old wheeze yeah she was taking she was wheezing wheezing pretty hard by the end of that hermione what is it you admire about young nerd hermione granger well two already you killed it with those two words. Young and nerd. Loyalty, obviously she's got that. I mean, yeah, I just love a character whose superpower is being well-read. Her superpower is research and the rules. And yeah, what a champion for kids to read about.

This is a kid who's a super nerd who also gets to fight in three wars before she's 18. Yeah. And defeats the purest of evil. I think that's a cool character to have around. But also incredibly loyal to Harry. Fully loyal. And, like, a great compliment to him. Because Harry is a lot of things not that smart. He is not.

He isn't, is he? He's not an idiot. But his thing is not. He's street smart. His thing is street smart. His thing is street smart. Harry Potter, street smart. That's why that little lightning bolt on his head is for multiple concussions. Right on that spot.

Yeah. He's got one left. He got in a knife fight when he was a baby. That's how gnarly Harry is. Not a genius. What's one of your favorite Hermione moments? I have to admit, I've only seen the movies because I'm a Luddite adult. So you might.

Simple man. Well, you're street smart. Yeah. I'm a lot like Harry Potter. Favorite Hermione moment is, well, I love the first book. At the end of the first book, they have to, they go on this quest together as a group of children where each one solves one thing that they're specifically good at. It's like a role playing video game.

Like Ron has to beat, there's like, oh, one of the locks is a chess game and I'm really good at this chess thing. I thought that was the second one. Sorry, that's what I meant. Yes, the second one. You're very right. I'm so sorry. Two nerds.

Showed my hand on that. But you didn't have her. I'm a virgin. What? You didn't have her on your list? No, I didn't. She's all. I didn't mean to interrupt you. a virgin. What? You didn't have her on your list? No, I didn't. She's all... I didn't mean to interrupt you.

No, that was fine. You're right. As I was saying it, I was like, is this the first or second book? I'm sure I'm going to get hate about this. This podcast is all interrupting. It's all interrupting and diatribes. I don't want to be a rude friend. Well, that's very nice.

That's all. Be one for the next hour. Yeah. In real life, none of that shit. But on the podcast, go for it. I also like that she, you know, she started from the bottom, right? She was not a witch when she was a kid. Oh, yeah.

She's a half blood. Yeah, she's a half. Her parents are dentists. And they were like, she's smart and weird. And then they're like, oh, also magic. But then they still support her. They're like the dentists who like, they go to her wizarding things the way like parents would go to like a soccer game.

Be like, I don't get why you're doing this, but keep it up. But they loved her anyway? They loved her anyway. I think it's just showing how like how low the bar is set when both of your parents are dentists. It's just a metaphor for that. That like, well, if you're born of dentists and you're not one, you might as well be a fucking wizard.

That's like a good upbringing though. Two dentist parents, right? Yes. Highest suicide rate of any profession is it really? yeah 100% wow is it the gas? you know it must be how can it be so

they all have boats yeah that's why well you're constantly interacting with people they can't talk to you you're digging around in their mouths I did can I I'm not usually the hero in stories of mine Constantly interacting with people. They can't talk to you. Yeah. You're digging around in their mouths. I did. Can I?

Can I? I'm not usually the hero in stories of mine, but can I do a really quick thing that I did? Yes. I did a show. I got paid to do a corporate show for a group of dentists last week. And I opened with, they were eating dinner and I was like, go ahead and keep eating. It's time. It's only fair that I talk while your mouths are full and that

dumbest joke I've ever written it murdered at the dentist party they laughed so hard they were they got home

and emailed other dentists about it for sure you're a meme now you're a popular dentist meme they had full

they had full email chains going I tweeted it out before I said it. I was like, I just thought of this. And everyone was like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And then I got to be like, yeah, that's because you're not at a dentist dinner party. You saved some lives that night. There were a couple people who were like, this is it for me.

I'm glad I didn't know that going in. I would try to write a joke about their suicide rate. Probably best not to. They probably all know somebody they lost in the game who they were at like dentistry school with. Struck down in their prime. Yeah, gunned down in their prime. Absolutely.

Also, better answer for a favorite Hermione moment is when she's super stressed out all the time and they can't figure out why and it turns out she's been secretly time traveling to take more classes. Oh my gosh.

The time turner. I hate to admit this but i think about that at least twice a week that if you had a time travel you wouldn't go kill baby hailer you would like take more community college classes no no no i boy i sure wouldn't i would i just always think like if there's two obligations i have that's the first thing i think of where it's like oh i wish i i have to do this thing if I if there's another thing I'd rather be doing my instead of how can I maneuver in real life a strategy in which I could potentially do one and saying no hey I'm gonna be late immediately go to I wish I had a little doodad that I could flip like a time like a sand dial

I could turn upside down yeah uh i'm really jealous of that i think i'm more jealous of that time mechanism she has it's the time turn is great is that the one thing you would take from the harry potter the wizarding world of harry potter i can't think of anything else i would want the time travel thing oh man there's so many things i want oh maybe like a giant three-headed dog yeah yeah or Or a fun, like, uncle who can turn into a dog. Sure. Talking plants? No. No? I treat plants so poorly, I don't want to know what they have

to say about me. I mean, I kind of like magical powers. It's a little broad, but I think that's what I would take. I don't know. I would like Hagrid's clothing. Just for a rustic look. It would go nicely over your Chewbacca-esque body so yeah uh hermione granger great pick thank you i think i think the people are gonna like it also as an added benefit grew up to be emma watson that's true un spokesperson yeah

women's right spokesperson emma watson did she try to do another movie again recently wasn't she in something just in beauty and the beast and now she's in that Facebook slash Google movie. Oh, there's another Facebook? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it depends on whether, yeah, I think it's Facebook. It looks Facebooky to me, but other people have said Google, so I don't know. Thomas Hanks is in that as well, right? Thomas Hanks.

Thomas Hanks? Thomas Hanks, yeah. Yeah, Thomas the Hank Engine. Thomas the Hank Engine. God damn it, Alex. That'll be? Thomas Hanks, yeah. Yeah, Thomas the Hank Engine. Thomas the Hank Engine. God damn it, Alex. That'll be the funniest thing anyone will say. That just slipped out, but I'm real stoked about it. I'm going to hang on to that.

Get it tattooed on your forearm, man. That's going to go forever. Thomas the Hank Engine. It is now time for my second pick. Yeah. Following on the heels of the very popular Chewbacca pick. Was it? Everybody loved it.

very popular Chewbacca pick. Was it? Everybody loved it. I am going to take There's two people I really want to take. Can't make it both of them. Alright, I'm going to take George Costanza. God damn it. I was going to do that first and then I got cocky.

You had to go Hank Kingsley for it. You went with your boutique ass pick. I guess. You could have saved that. We wouldn't have taken it. With as much as you love shopping at Target, I thought you would have gone right down the line the first one. Yeah, I fucked up. Do you have a favorite George Costanza moment?

I have. I'm trying to help because that's what you were asking us. Thank you. I have so many favorite George Costanza moments. First, let me apologize again because now I'm in my own head about this whole, because yes, of course I looked up best sidekicks. The only reason I know that is because I also did that. You did too.

And I thought the only way I can not be embarrassed is if I make fun of someone else for it first. Let me say this. The reason I looked up the definition of sidekick was to figure out if George was a sidekick or not. I think it's a sidekick. I think it is the case. Yes. Because he makes the, essentially what I learned and settled on was that it's whoever makes the lead character seem more intelligent and a better person.

I think without George, Jerry would just be reprehensible. He'd be horrible. But George is so bad. Yeah. It's so fucking horrible. Again, I don't think that's the only definition because I think Hermione does not

make Harry look smarter. She makes him look dumber, but also he's bravery. I think they can complement each other. But by being associated with her, he looks smarter. Yeah. It's a smarter team. That's true. Yeah. So if it's just about how the whole team is, then wouldn't George make

Jerry more shitty? Oh, absolutely. But, you know, it's depends on how you use them yeah well how do you how do you like to use them how do i look to use george costanza yeah well let me go back to that question about favorite moments yeah yeah i'm sorry i put you in your head buddy i love oh please not really worried about getting there's a lot there's a lot of room in there that i sometimes lash out he but uh so I know he's also on those lists, but I love him. You gotta take him because he's one of the greats. My, I mean, I love, I love the human fund is one of my, is just, I love like little things about him.

I like that. I love his obsession with architecture. I think that's such a classic. It's so good. He's the perfect character who's kind of dumb, but is smart enough to know he is, which is also how I feel about myself. Interesting. I'm like, I'm not that smart, but I'm smart enough to know that I'm not that smart.

And like an obsession with architecture as like the classic good job hits home with me so much. Because I had that with being a lawyer when I was in my early 20s, where I was like, oh yeah, I'm going to go to law school. I'll be a lawyer. And I had no interest in being a lawyer when I was in my early 20s where I was like, oh yeah, I'm going to go to law school, I'll be a lawyer, and I had no interest in being a lawyer. But I knew the way it made people perceive me. Where I was like,

oh, look at this kid, he wants to be a lawyer. You know, so I related, I think it's a great dumb, like, smart dumb guy thing. Isn't it weird that we're that way to kids about becoming lawyers, and then as soon as they're a lawyer we're like, fuck lawyers! Yeah, fucking lawyers! We hate lawyers! Poor little kids who need a guidance. Yeah, yeah, like, you were so excited when I told Grandma I was going to be a lawyer, and now you hate me. Yeah, fucking lawyers. We hate lawyers. Poor little kids who need a guidance.

Yeah, yeah. You were so excited when I told grandma I was going to be a lawyer, and now you hate me. Well, now there's too many lawyers, and it's not even a smart thing to tell a kid to go be. It's true. Yeah. It's a terrible scam. We need a new answer, like perhaps architect.

Can I say one of my favorite things about George? Yes. I guess Seinfeld in general. I feel like it made being all the worst things about a Jew cool again. Yeah. Like all of a sudden, it was like, oh, you're an unbearable people, but you seem fun on this show. So come on back into the cultural fold, Jews. And I don't think America's looked back since. I think you're 100% right about that. I think so, too.

It really, that's a great point. You guys have so much in common. That's why I said it, motherfucker. I think that's really true. It did sort of like glorify and make relatable all of the piccadillos that people criticize us for. 100%. And I think it's all larry david i think as my spirit animal yeah when i do things that larry david would do people are like oh that's that's just some fun uh

some fun semiticism yeah they don't they don't think you're just being a prick no i mean what not that you are but like when people behave like that here It's as far as like, oh, we don't want to kill them again. That's as much as we can get at this point. Yeah, Diano. It would have been enough if they just didn't want to kill us. Yeah, that is great. That is great about Seinfeld. Another one of my favorite Costanza moments is the one where he gets the record on the

Frogger machine. And it's just a very small moment. It's when it gets stuck in the road and there's a truck bearing down on him. And for one second, George steps out and puts his finger up at the truck like he's going to stop it and then dives away. It's just really funny. Really great comic acting by Jason Alexander, I think. But yeah, he's just the best character.

Especially as I get older. I mean, I've loved it since it was originally on the air. But as I get older and I find myself in more situations that they've gone through on the show, I'm like, fuck, these were such well-written characters. This is not necessarily the question of this draft, but do you feel like you and George would be good, like, would he be a good sidekick to you or is he only a good sidekick to Jerry? Ooh, that's a good question. That is a really good question. Thank you.

Or would you be his sidekick? Would I be Jerry's sidekick or George's? George's sidekick. I don't think George is capable of having a sidekick. No. You could have a secondary sidekick, just like Chewbacca. That would be, I still disagree with you on the secondary sidekick thing about I won't get I won't get retroactively uh involved in that but the I don't know I think

I think George would be a good sidekick for me I could see us commiserating yeah I think my friend Nick Danpe is like a way less anxious way less Jewish version of Costanza for me who listens to this podcast and and is a good guy. Great guy. We just conspire together on stuff and then get into situations. Yeah. So that's what George can say. Do you have a favorite George Costanza moment? I don't.

Eclair out of the garbage for me. Oh, Eclair out of the garbage is great. I would do that, by the way. Eclair sitting on top of the garbage? It's not touching anything. I don't even really like sweets that much, but if I saw it, I'd be like... It's a waste that, by the way. I would too. An eclair sitting on top of the garbage? Yeah. Yeah. It's not touching anything. I don't even really like sweets that much, but if I saw it, I'd be like. It's a waste that it's in there and no one's eating it. There's a lot of things I wouldn't eat out of the garbage.

There's something about an eclair, though, that feels like a diamond in the rough. Like you have to save it. What is the grossest food you would eat out of the garbage? What do you mean? Like the one where if you told someone you did that, they would look at you the askances. Is it because they don't think that the food is worth it? I don't know. It could be a wet food.

It could be a cheap food. It's just loose Indian food in a garbage can. It's loose Indian food in a garbage can. Right, exactly. Would you eat vindaloo out of a garbage can? I mean, anything that like picks up dust easily. Yeah. Like string cheese is like a, it's like you're doing a lint roller on your body.

You put string cheese in. String cheese is a food lint roller. You can just take its jacket off. No, no, no, no. This is a loose string cheese, Phoebe. No, I know that. I'm just saying. You could peel one layer off. You do one layer peel. Yeah, it's skin jacket. That's how you jack off a string cheese?

Yeah, that's how you do it. It just sounded dirtier than I was expecting. Yeah, I tried to make a hand motion, then I realized we're not live broadcasting television. You know what? The fact that the two of us enjoyed it should be enough for you. It is.

I did a lot. How I felt about it. I think I would eat a meatball out of a garbage can, and I think that's the grossest because it's a very wet food. That sounds great. Your garbage or somebody's garbage or public garbage? My garbage or someone with whom i've spent more than 20 hours or like a kitchen garbage if it's like yes i guess if i'm picturing it as my kitchen garbage

like it like fell over when i was pushing something else off a cutting board kitchen garbage much more like a much broader spectrum than if i'm like the garbage can at a subway station because they're probably there's nothing i would take no of that. No, I think it's going to have to be kitchen garbage. Kitchen garbage. It would have to be something that I'm not going to eat all the time. What do you eat a piece of gefilte fish out of a kitchen garbage can? Only if it was a real cumbersome task to get it made. I'm not going to eat jarred gefilte fish out of a garbage.

Not a Manischewitz gefilte fish? I'll eat homemade gefilte fish out of a garbage. And only if there's a loose puddle of horseradish. That it happens to fall onto. Yeah, like near a newspaper that's in the trash can also. Yeah, George Costanza. Claire for him. That's his answer.

Solid pick. Thank you. We're ready for another solid pick. As Phoebe bottoms, it is time for your second and then third picks as it is a serpentine draft we're grasping this fast yeah i am just i'm just following suit i have no idea how the serpentine thing is working but i'm enjoying the lack of predictability and where everyone's falling yeah because i thought i was safe with george costanza putting you second no dice no it seems like It seems like you've had the hardest time

with your boggle board and crossing stuff out. It seems like you've had the most crossed out already. But I came up with a lot of things. I'm just glad people are saying the things that... Yeah, that's fun. You feel a little less alone. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

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Oh, I can't wait. It's a lot. My pick for the second round is Piglet. Oh, good pick. And here's, okay, here's what makes me really mad is I think Winnie the Pooh is an addict, a narcissist. He is, he doesn't. Wait,'t wait you mean honey addict yeah but he's like an alcoholic like forks i just watched adventures of winnie the pooh again today just to back up my point i hate him so much shirt cocking little motherfucker yeah this dick out this is our

second pick today with the dick out oh oh he's the word but his is just he doesn't even care he's got a stupid little shirt that barely covers his tits he just wanders around stealing other people's honey and you know who's by his side quietly all the time um wait i was gonna guess piglet yeah you're right i would have said piglet as well alex but here okay we would have had to press the button real fast it was a jeopardy i've got my bernie sanders fingers up for you those of you at home they're up in the room they're up which would be bad if we were friends but for a podcast is great yeah okay so here's the problem is winnie the pooh is a sidekick of christopher robin i was just gonna say secondary side oh yeah and so he doesn't even deserve a

sidekick but everyone's so jacked up on trying to make sure that he has an inflated self-confidence so he doesn't go off the rails and ruin everyone's life. They're like, no, no, no, you can have a sidekick too. But then people think it's Tigger. Piglet doesn't really even get the recognition he deserves. And if nothing else, people are like, okay, well, Piglet's the sidekick, but Tigger's the best friend. Piglet doesn't even even get the recognition he deserves. And if nothing else, people are like, okay, well, Piglet's the sidekick, but Tigger's

the best friend. Piglet doesn't even get the fucking decency of friendship. He's just along for the ride. Tigger got a lot of shine in the late 90s for some reason. A lot of denim jackets. Yeah. A lot of denim jackets. He showed up in a lot of denim jackets.

A lot of denim jackets. Yes, he did. Well, he, okay, he bounces. He's a hypo. What the fuck does Piglet do? He's a hypomanic fucking coke addict and that's why they get along is because they're both yeah they they're operating on the same level of but what the fuck does piglet have the only thing you've said good

about piglet so far is piglet is a giving sweet jumpsuit wearing little little dainty little lad yeah he okay here's the thing that happens in the movie i'm so mad it makes me so mad eeyore's house gets ruined by a flood right right and the great thing about eeyore not surprised not surprised he always expected sees it coming but poo makes it his mission to find him another home. All right, fine. You're doing something for someone else. Hats off to you, you fucking yellow piece of shit. Anyway.

Pants off to you. So he goes out, finds Tigger. They become friends. They have some kind of awful lost weekend. Hallucinate some heffalumps. Do a bunch of molly. I don't know what they do. Anyway, they go back to Hundred Acre Woods.

Yeah. And guess how this fucking conflict resolves itself? Pooh realizes he hasn't found Eeyore a house, so he gives him Piglet's home. Piglet, early on, talks about nothing else other than the fact that his grandfather trespassing, trespasses William had lived in that home. He loves his house. Winnie the Pooh is just like, here you are. You just have this hovel with fucking little furnishings in it. I'm not even going to ask any questions. And everyone looks at Piglet.

And they're like, dude, are you going to say anything? And Piglet's like, never mind. And just lets him have it. And then Pooh finds out. He's like, oh, you can live with me. You can be my roommate. And that's the consolation prize. So now Piglet has to live with his honey addict.

Yeah. You'd think getting stuck in Rabbit's hole would have been like a real wake-up call. Oh, dude, it's a nightmare. That was rock bottom. He literally gets catapulted out of that and lands in a bee tree and just starts eating. Anyway, I hate him. So you feel for Piglet in a major way. He gets the most shit.

It's a total sympathy pick. Hey, Piglet, thanks for your service. major way he he gets the most shit it's a whole it's a total sympathy pick it's a hey piglet thanks for all yours thanks for your service you put in so much work you deserve a second round draft pick yeah really show piglet is like a social worker in the and all the auto plants closed in the hundred acre wood and everybody's just dealing with the fallout of it i didn't like i didn't mean to go on a whole thing. It's just, it's a lot. It's a lot for me to watch poor little piglet get trampled on like that.

Yeah. Tigger's got a thing, right? Jumping on its tail. Yeah. Yeah. Eeyore's got a thing. Depression.

Serious depression. Clinical. Clinical depression. But in like a real charming way where there's like, like my favorite Eeyore moment, there's one, there was a moment where he is tied to some balloons, but he's also tethered

to the ground. Ground tether gets cut. He's floating away. Shirley will die. And he goes, that'll happen. And that's fucking Eeyore. He's like, I'm just going to die now. That was what I always knew would happen.

That's great. So he's got a great thing. All Piglet has is being a pushover. Yeah. Fearful. Instead of picking Piglet in the second round, tell Piglet to stand up for himself. Hey, from here to him, stand up for yourself. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Piglet does listen to the podcast. He does. He texted me. He always tweets in. Yeah. He's always really angry about Sean's picks. I said, hey.

I texted him. I go, hey, I know it's not live, but you're going to have to listen to this next episode. You're getting the call out. I'm not telling you why, but there's something for you. If Piglet tweeted, there would be so many ellipses between those words. Oh, my God. So many. Well, if it's not a bother, we would like you guys to draft.

And then it's like, yeah, one of 10. Yeah. We'd like you guys to draft. And then they'd have to be a second tweet. Yeah, one of ten. Yeah, yeah. He's so, look, if he wasn't, I'm here, you know, I'm here telling him I'm picking you as a best sidekick, but also you got to get out of that relationship. That is a contradictory message. I know.

But that's what I'm saying is I'm operating on a. You're operating on several levels. I feel like I want my sidekicks to stay sidekicks because they're good at it. He's good at being a sidekick, though. You want him out of it. These are more like rapper's sidekicks where after three, they're supposed to graduate to being their own stars. Yeah. Do you think it's a codependent relationship, though?

I don't think Pooh depends on Piglet at all. Oh, no. No. Well, he needs. Yeah, no, he does. He needs him for his resources. Yes. But he needs everybody.

You know, he goes into Rabbit's house and eats like eight things of his honey. Okay, but here's why I think fuck Piglet. You're. Wow. Wow. Very hard to tell from other Piglets if that's your name. Oh, yeah. Your name is just Piglet? Everything else has.

There's Owl and Rabbit. Piglet's a lot more. Those are both bad names. Who do yeah. Your name is just Piglet? Everything else has an... It's Owl and Rabbit. Piglet's a lot more... Those are both bad names. Who do you think of when I say Piglet, Alex? Piglet. I do think of Piglet. Who do you think of when I say Alex? A bunch of other people.

A bunch of other folks. I think of me first, but that might not be true for everybody. I barely remember you when I say the name Alex. Even if I'm looking at you and speaking to you directly. That might be more about your recall abilities. That might be. Before we close the book on this piglet chapter, do you know what I love is when Winnie the Pooh is stuck in that hole and Rabbit just draws a deer head on his ass? He puts it on and he makes a mantle.

That's my favorite. It's really good. It's so funny. Rabbit is a frat boy. Yeah. Cool. You're a stuck. It's so funny. Rabbit is a frat boy. Yeah. Cool. You're a stuck guy. Check this out.

He's got another door. Well, it's a fresh take on Winnie the Pooh. And for a fresh pick, we go back to Phoebe Bottoms. Oh, yeah. With the first pick of the third round. All right. Let me. Okay.

I got it. Guys, this one, I'm going with my heart. Croutons. Oh. Huh.. Croutons. Oh. Huh. Going croutons. Near and dear to me. I'm only going to continue this round under protest.

There's no way that qualifies. A protest has been lodged. That could not possibly qualify. Croutons is a sidekick. Yeah. Think about it. You could say salad dressing because you can get that on the side, but you never get a cup of croutons.

Literally, croutons. Croutons is controversial. If croutons are a sidekick, then literally everything on a salad is a sidekick. The salad is a pile of shit. You can't say one part of that pile is separatable. Is the lettuce the main character? What are we saying here? Shut up for a second. The worst part of the salad is the main character on a salad?

Let's be defensive. Bullshit pick. You can do so many things with salad dressing. You can put it on a salad. You can marinate fish with it. Up to two things. You can dip. Shut up, Alex.

You can do a bunch of stuff with salad dressing. I'll give you that. You can do a bunch of stuff with avocado. You can do a bunch of stuff with red onion. Look, I don't know what you put on your salad, but croutons. Have you ever just sat down and eaten a bag of croutons like chips? Yes. I have too, but that's not the point.

Neither do you. No, but the thing is, croutons, as a sidekick, they make the salad better. The dressing is expected. Dressing's part of the adventure. But you go into a good salad, like my favorite salad, where the croutons are perfect. That's the reason I go back, baby. That's the reason I go back. And the salad's good.

I don't disagree with any part of this. It's just irrelevant to this particular episode of the podcast. No, it isn't. If we were drafting salad parts, great. Good pick. Probably first round pick, the croutons. But for sidekicks... It's a sidekick. You're drafting salad parts? No. Great. Good pick. Probably first round pick, the croutons. But for sidekicks- It's a sidekick.

There are foods I've considered and feel like I would be more willing to allow croutons. Yeah, I have food on my list. I feel like I'm halfway talked into it. What do you guys pick? Cheese of macaroni and cheese and cream cheese and jelly? Macaroni and cheese are a classic Hall and Oates situation. No, no, no. Hall is the sidekick to Oates.

Is that true? 100%. That's what the internet said. Stop it! I didn't even look on the internet. I just knew that in my heart. Really? Yeah, I came out of...

How is one of them a sidekick? Think about all the songs. Think about the way that those lyrics are... Wait, I gotta get the horse dick out of my brain. Make room for that. Hall and Oates,

blowing a horse. Get rid of the horse. Okay. Wait, we've only been horse dick out of my brain. Make room for that. Hauling oats, blowing a horse. Get rid of the horse. Okay. Wait, we've only been thinking about the horse's dick. Are you blowing the horse? We weren't even touching it. I was just picturing it. Yeah, well, what is he gonna do with the horse dick?

Does he let it get cold? I guess that's true. Let it get cold? Your mouth is a mitten for a horse's dick. This is getting real blue, you guys. It is. Anything that's not about croutons I'm enjoying. Crouton.

Croutons. Okay. I love croutons. I love them. I have no shade to croutons. Do you like salad more or less with croutons? I think I like it more with croutons. Croutons are a sidekick.

Not how sidekicks work. It's not like, oh, this thing I like, but I... Do you like Han Solo more or less with Chewbacca? Probably more. Do you like Joe Biden? These are irrelevant, but these are true, but not important. Does Joe Biden make Obama better? Everything you've said about this since you

picked a start has been true and irrelevant. No, it's not irrelevant. So are the red onions a sidekick? No, the red onions are an additive. Do the burginis make a salad better? Oh, they sure do. Not a sidekick. They sure do red onions are an additive. Tempranjinis make a salad better. Oh, they sure do. Not a sidekick. They sure do.

Croutons are specifically made. You're positive that lettuce is the main character. You can put a red onion on a sandwich. You can't put a crouton on a sandwich. I mean, you can

if you're a genius. What we're looking for in a sidekick is that it can't go to be anything else's sidekick. Bread is kind of a raw crouton if you think about it. Yeah, it's pre-crouton.

Well, yeah, I mean, that's... It's a crouton off at that point. It's crouton if you think about it yeah it's pre-crouton well yeah i mean that's it's a crouton it's crouton sashimi i stand by it i stand by it 100 and you can fight me to the goddamn death both of you well if you put it like that i mean yeah i don't want to die over it it's just a lot if this was like swords and we were on a ledge i'd be like fine have your cr want to die over it it's just a lot if this was like swords and we were on a ledge i'd be like fine have your croutons the fact that it's not a vegetable does push me in the direction that maybe it is a sidekick a little bit more it's may its whole reason for living is to help salad that in and of itself is the definition of a sidekick regardless

of the noun that is in that sentence if you were dav David Borey, there's no way I would let this fly. I just want to let you know that right now. I don't. Look, but I'm not, and here we are. And you've got to deal with me for a six-hour flight to Toronto and from New York, Ian. I'm sitting in first class. All right. Let's go with croutons.

Fine. Croutons is the pick. Ian, are you going to mail it in for the third round, too? Planning on it, baby. Croutons is the pick. Ian, are you going to mail it in for the third round too? Plan it on it, baby. Croutons is the third pick. I wouldn't call that mailing it in. I would call that a bull in the fucking China shop with no regard. So croutons...

Forget it. No. Go on. What? Were you going to amend your crouton pick? No, it wasn't at all. Were you going to pick something better? It was a little late. How dare you? No, I stand by it so hard. We'll let the listeners decide in the poll which matters and is legally binding and it will never be announced it will be too busy not on the podcast finding in glendale yeah find out if croutons won or not okay i gotta make sure i can get all these picks all right cool uh it's time for my third pick and with my third pick i I'm taking Nate Dogg. Yeah. Yeah.

Solid. Nate Dogg, undisputed sidekick. Yep. The late R&B singer from California's West Coast gangster rap scene who showed up on everybody else's songs and made every single one of them better. Yeah. But never overshadowed. Never overshadowed.

Ooh, never. Yeah. That thick syrupy voice. That voice, Nate Dogg is, if you were like, what does high school sound like? I would be like, Nate Dogg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just setting up to regulate.

He worked with, exactly, with Warren G. Yeah. With Tupac, with Dr. Dre, who is not a real doctor, I feel like I need to point out. Eminem. Also, Nate Dogg's not a real dog. I feel like I need to point out. Eminem. Also, Nate Dogg's not a real dog. Not a real Eminem. Not a real Eminem. Nate Dogg, but he is a real dog because he's my dog.

Oh, okay. Yeah. With 213, some of his solo shit too. I just love him. Anytime he showed up on a song, you were like, all right, everybody else is going to bring it a little bit more because you know you don't get Nate Dogg for everything. Yeah. Yeah.

When I was reading, I was doing some search for rap, for especially rap sidekicks, and one of the things that this one list I was reading disqualified people is if they got too famous later. Yeah. Because, like, there was a while where it felt like maybe Kanye was a sidekick. For Jay-Z, sure. For Jay-Z, and then he decided to get huge.

Tupac was a sidekick for the Digital Underground for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Good move getting out from under them. That was a good move. No, I think that's a good point because you have to think sidekick and have that be a free word association, right?

Back to sidekick. Yeah. Right, like somebody might do with croutons, for example. Hey, you're not going to go to a restaurant and be like, hey, can I have a bowl of croutons? You're going to say, can I have a salad? Oh, good, there's croutons on it. True and irrelevant.

All right, we'll not not relitigate that right now uh yeah the heat is still there but uh you're right i'll calm it down for now yeah why don't you shut up i'm sorry regulate uh-huh classic song unbelievable in my opinion the song oh no you know that song i know oh no Oh no. When I scared to hustle. It's been seven days. The same clothes. Ask them originals. Cause they know most deaf Nate dog,

a Pharaoh. Nate dog, most stuff. And Pharaoh. I think I need, I think I need the rest of that. I was going to say, I recognized it immediately.

I know I can count on you. Uh, yeah. And then like doing, I just, him and it sucks that he died. He had a stroke. He did? Classic sidekick move. Somebody with that smooth of a voice should have lived forever.

He should be like 65 and showing up on rappers who aren't even born songs yet. You know what I mean? Like that should have been his fate. Yeah. You have that syrupy Like that should have been his fate. Yeah, you had that syrupy voice. Also maybe a buttery voice. Oh, definitely a buttery voice. Both of which cause heart disease.

Oh, that's true. And both of which were picked by Amy Miller in the condiments draft. Yeah. Nice callback. Thank you. That was good. Yeah, I guess I don't have too much else to say. Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to... Let me try to think of something to ask you about Nate Dogg. About the god Nate Dogg. Do you have a favorite Nate Dogg line? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a... Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Classic sidekick line. Smoke weed every day. That's great. It's really good. You hung on to that for a while. That's comedic patience. I used to. You were at some of these shows I'm sure would start off my stand

up set by going hey and then I would do 15 minutes of stand up and then at the end go smoke weed every day. It might have been before my time but that's delightful. It might have. Man that's funny that's back when i was doing real weird shit all the time uh that is delightful uh it's a fun it's just a fun little little extra uh for your set there and that's oh man the great just the deep

voice that can just get away with just saying that yeah yeah yeah that's the other thing about that line not words yeah no Just smoke weed every day. And the rest of it was, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. How do you write that out? When he was writing down his lyrics, when he was brainstorming on the way over there? Right. Do you think he wrote all the different parts of hey? The hey, yay, yay, or was it just hey?

Yeah. And then in parentheses, Nate dog that shit. Yeah. But yeah, just freestyle with the hay great pick great pick thank you very much now i have two dogs like i'm picking on you of course is a space dog we're not picking on her she picked on croutons i made a decision that i knew was going to you know ruffle but i'm still self-conscious that i'm siding with the end that i'm agreeing i'm still feeling-conscious that I'm siding with Ian, that I'm agreeing with Ian.

I'm still feeling bad that I told you to shut up. Whatever you say in the next one, I'm going to agree with. I don't want that. And I will defend to the death. Alex, I don't,

I don't want you to change the way that you criticize me. I just want you to be smarter about it. Don't be so stupid. What would that be besides a change? Realize how smart

of a pick Croutons is. Well, if you pick something like Croutons again, Alex Falcone and Ian Kay are going to regulate. I don't like that tone. I got three more picks, right? It's five picks? It's five picks, baby. And it's time for your third one right now. All right.

We'll just get right to it. I wanted an animal. A boo. Tiny monkey? From Aladdin.. Abu. Tiny monkey. From Aladdin. From Aladdin. Abu. Abu is, I think,

possibly the best Disney sidekick. He is charming. He's got a little tiny hat. He's got a little vest too. A little vest. He helps. He was an elephant

for a short time. He was an elephant for a short time. To help. Yeah. To help Aladdin. Yeah, yeah. Kept the hat and vest.

Had a robe on. Yeah. He, and you could, yeah. Kept the hat and vest. Had a robe on. Yeah. And you could tell there was some real love there when they got shot into the Arctic. That's true. And Aladdin is wearing just a tiny vest and freezing. What does he do? Monkey in the vest. Yeah.

Right away. And Abu also got him out of prison, right? He could smuggle in a key. Abu stole the lamp that started this whole thing oh yeah he's got great hands he's got some of the best pickpocketing hands i've ever seen him yeah abu's an underrated uh underrated disney character here's what i'll say also he didn't he could have left in the beginning he didn't know that things would turn up sweet yeah he had no idea that it would be any different than just street rat life yeah but hey stealing bread oh i also

like that he's not thrilled about giving that peasant kid bread oh i did like that that was i like that he's like dude come on yeah i want that bread yeah what if i want that bread but that's a great point he was he was there for aladdin when they were poor so it's not like and it wasn't it wasn't like gold digging no with aladdin he knew yeah he would have been happy eating bread in the attic and running away from the cops all day ride or die monkey yeah 100 percent right monkey that's a great sidekick yeah that's this that's the mark of a good sidekick is someone yeah he dresses like aladdin too right yeah they have similar clothes let noxie down a couple points i don't That's a great sidekick move. The same costume but smaller?

That's perfect. Yeah, it's pretty great. Also, if there's one thing I want in a sidekick, it's tiny hands. They're very helpful. It is good to have tiny hands. There's a lot of things you can get into and out of. Good qualifier. Yeah.

Yeah. George Costanza, beautiful hands. Beautiful hands. Beautiful hands. A little too big, but very nice looking. A little too big. Yeah, Abu is great. I like how he kind of talks. Yeah, Abu is great.

I like how he kind of talks. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He chirps. The bread was a perfect example. And also, when Princess kisses Jafar as like a distraction, he is visibly disgusted by that kiss. He is so upset.

It's like he sees his... It's like he had attached to her as his new mom. Yeah. New mom's kissing a weird guy. I don't like that new mom is kissing... I saw mommy kissing a fence of Arabic stereo. That's my favorite.

Didn't Abu and the tiger have some sort of relationship? Yeah, they ended up liking each other. They hated each other at first. Yeah, exactly. They were siblings. like step-sibling rivalry right right yeah yep didn't want the tiger to take over yeah he was i mean he was afraid as you would be when your best bud meets a new lady you're afraid you're gonna lose some time with him he's not a fucking idiot he's a tiny monkey being like oh look who's being added to the entourage. A tiger. I don't like it. What are we, living in a cocaine mansion?

But later he realizes, intelligently, I could just ride this tiger. I'm a tiny monkey. Ride the tiger! Yeah, it's good to have a tiger around. Abu died of a cocaine overdose about five years after they finished, wrapped shooting that movie. Is that a return of Jafar? Yeah. Michael Madsen was at his house.

Abu from Aladdin. Great pick. Really good. And you also get to make your fourth pick. Man, this one's tough. I got a lot of people. I got a lot of things. A lot of ideas.

I'm saving. I got this one. I'm saving for fifth. Man, I'm stuck between two. I'm going to go with Teller. Oh. All right. Teller.

Teller of Penn and Teller. I always thought of Penn as the – no, I'm just kidding. I want to live in that world where that person thinks that. There's an actual Teller? I mean, you could definitely make the argument of that because Teller is one of the greatest magicians who's ever lived. And Penn is an obnoxious juggler. Like a carnival barter. Yeah, yeah.

But they complement each other perfectly that way. Which is, in show business, I don't think I've ever seen a more perfect partnership than those two guys. Delightful. They still like each other. They've been working together for like 40 years. But my favorite thing about Teller as a sidekick is in magic, in magic when there's a sidekick, it's usually a 16-year-old gymnast. Right.

Who has to do the climbing in the box and getting underneath and putting her hand in weird directions. Teller does that. And he's like a 65-year-old guy. He does all that gymnast shit. That's true. He does all that stuff. That's a great sidekick to have around.

And all... Oh, sorry. You know, go ahead. I just have so many to have around. And all, and, oh, sorry. You know, go ahead. I just have so many things I want to say about Teller. Yes, please. Teller doesn't talk in the show, of course, but talks a lot on like interviews and documentaries and stuff, and is just one of the most eloquent, brilliant speakers I've ever seen on subjects, mostly magic-related subjects.

But he's a genius. And he was like a high school English teacher who liked magic on the side. Was he really? Yeah. He got pulled up into a life of fame with this obnoxious juggler. But he is so terrific. There's a great documentary that I saw on magic where he was talking about doing useless sleight of hand. Yeah.

Which is where you do like 12 moves to do the thing that looks like was happening all along in one move. Oh, yeah. So it's a series of really exotic moves and difficult hand movements just to not be obvious to anybody but yourself. And that is the thing I love about a magician who's like constantly making stuff hard on himself just so he can do magic. Just to make a – yeah, yeah, yeah. Like doing a show in Kennewick. Yeah. So that would be a great one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It would be like I take the ball off the top of the cup, I put it under the cup, look, I show you under the cup, there's the ball. Except he did that in 12 moves, and it's not the same ball. But you don't know, and there's no reason. Just because there's so much noise, it's like, to make it impossible. Yeah.

Oh, man, I love Tyler. Do you like magic a lot? I love magic. You do a little magic, right? Yeah, I did a little magic in high school. Dabbled in it. I dabbled in it. Yeah, Anthony and I did magic at the festival in New Orleans.

Yeah, Anthony Lopez. That's right, right you did what makes a good magician uh well uh usually you have to have like gone to prison or something to have put in the kind of work you need to it's yeah like 40 years of practice you just need that much time to do it it's incredible amount of work but also uh i mean so much of magic is in presenting a thing because magic is one of the things that the audience like inherently hates and so which is why he's a side what hayman one of the reasons him and pen work so well together is because pen is like uh i can i'm gonna make this an interesting thing yes and i'm gonna make this a beautiful thing and i'm gonna give you the philosophy of why we're doing it and i'm gonna get the audience on board while you do this weird

shit of climbing around in a box because magic magic is inherently lame, I think. Yeah. Yeah. It weirdly is. And they, I mean, Penn and Tyler are my favorite magic act because they make it so much more interesting and relevant. Yeah. Magic is a lame thing that I would 100% go see if you asked me to.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Let's do it. I will. I definitely will. Let's put on our suits and go to the magic castle. Yes. We can do that here.

I'll go buy a suit. No zippers. You can't have zippers i'll go buy a suit uh no zippers you can't have zippers i have several friends who are uh magicians there and uh you can't wear zippers yeah wow can't wear a jacket with a zipper on it yeah you gotta be fancy yeah uh there's actually a new magic club here and i can't remember the name of it that's supposed to be this little easier to get into but it's supposed to be really fun. Yeah just love magic. I go to magic any day even when it's not good I'm just like this is

so interesting. I'm into it. I went to a cat circus recently. Not magic but I did go. I need three more sentences about that.

There was also a duck that did tricks. Wait in a cat circus? Yeah. It feels like the promise of the cat circus. They figured it out. Oh no. Wait, in a cat circus? Yeah. It feels like the promise of the cat circus. They figured it out. Oh, no.

It wasn't a duck. It was a groundhog. It was a groundhog? Yeah, it was a groundhog, not a duck. Did we just see that happen for real? It was a chicken, though. Because when you think of a groundhog and a chicken at the same time, of course your brain puts out duck.

Yeah, yeah, sure. All the time. Because that's the combination of a groundhog and a... Yeah, same time. Of course your brain puts out duck. Yeah, yeah. Sure. All the time. Because that's the combination of a groundhog and a... Yeah, that's how you make a duck. Yeah. If you were making the recipe for duck, that's what you would do. I can't believe... Yeah.

A groundhog, though, is a weird... Are you sure it wasn't like a guinea pig or something? It was a groundhog. Weird. Big, fat groundhog. Fat groundhog. There's a tradition in magic of guinea pig tricks. Is there really?

There's a series of really good guinea pig tricks that mostly involve you eating the guinea pig. Jesus. Really? Well, not really. It's a Peruvian. It's a Peruvian magic trick. It's a Peruvian classic. Man, when I found out,

have you guys seen, you've seen Peru's guinea pig festival? Yeah. Have you not seen this? Google this. It's the most adorable thing. They get all their guinea pigs, dress them up real funny.

And it's so delightful. And I was like telling everybody I saw, I was like, guys, do you know about this Peruvian guinea festival dress them up real funny and it's so delightful and i was like telling everybody i saw i was like guys do you know about this proven guinea festival and like the 20th person was like you know they eat them at the end right and it was the most crushed i've ever been it was like if you told me that santa claus wasn't real and the person pretending to be santa claus was a murderer it was like that much of a letdown you still have a lot of investment in this identity of Santa Claus. Well, if it was like, no, Santa Claus isn't real, the guy at the mall is John Wayne Gacy.

That's a total bummer. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Not just like a regular murderer. Like eats children. Yeah. Super murderer. My favorite picture in the world is of a guinea pig wearing a little top hat.

Painted by John Gainway. Playing a French horn. Don't even joke about this picture. He's on a little blanket covered in stars because he's a little star. Yeah. And he's got a little French horn. And he's got a little top hat on. I've seen that picture.

It is. I don't know. It sounds busy. No. Phoebe. God damn it. Listen've seen that picture. It is. I don't know. It sounds busy. No. Phoebe. God damn it. Listen, croutons.

All right. There is genius art going on over here. Think about it. Why did someone make that picture? Hold on. Tell me again. Just give me the. Let me paint the picture for you one more time. One more time.

He's on a bit of a pedestal. But the pedestal and the background are covered by like a sheet. Yeah. Black with little stars on it. Yeah. And he's a real fat little guinea pig, too. He's real fat. What color is he?

Huh? What color is he? He's kind of a- Like a cream? I forget, with a calico almost. A calico guinea pig. All right. And he's got a little top-

I like to think his name is Taft. It could be Taft for sure. And he's got a little top hat on on and someone has placed a miniature French horn. A guinea pig sized French horn. A guinea pig sized French horn at its mouth. And he's sitting there just playing it. I don't know. I don't get it.

Look. Look at it. Everybody. If you're driving, Google this right do is Google guinea pig French horn. I've gotten this picture onto every TV show I've ever worked on. It is a passion project for me. It's my favorite picture. The first time I saw it, I was in the early days of the internet.

Was it? I was maybe in middle school or early high school, and I clicked on it and I laughed for 15 minutes. Sure. The whole notion of someone, just the idea of someone being like, what'd you do today, honey? Oh, I, uh. You know that tiny French horn we have lying around? I set up a little photo shoot for the guinea pig where I put a little felt top hat on him

and gave him the tiniest little French horn you've ever seen. Honey, what instrument do you think a guinea pig would play? I feel like a French horn. A French horn is excellent, though. Yeah, it's perfect. That's exactly what a little guinea pig would play. It's... You know, I was just razzing you earlier.

I think it's the most... It's good. I think that's the best thing I've ever seen. Thank you for saying that. I have trouble being funny about that picture. I know. It's just real serious to me. I wish this was a live show

so people could have watched how genuine the emotion in your face was while you described this. It was a lot. There was a childlike joy in your eyes. I love it. A gleam. If What I Was Done Dying is my death song,

that's my death picture. I just want to be listening to Dan Deacon and staring at that guinea pig while the plane crashes into a mountain. At your funeral, there'll be a framed photo on the casket, but not of you. No. That's all I want at my funeral is for every comedian I'm friends with to go up and say, gun down in his prime while there's a picture of that guinea pig in a wreath. Oh, man. I'm going to add go up and say Gundam in his prime while there's a picture of that guinea pig in a wreath. Oh, man. I'm going to add this to my Twitter bot right now.

Alex, do you have a death song? I do not have a death song. What is a death song? Is that like the brown note? No, it's the song you want to hear when you're dying. When you hear you die? It's a song with Phoebe and I have it. I brought it up on a previous podcast and I found it was the only one who had one.

It's just a song I have loaded on my phone in case the plane starts crashing. Mine is offline also for plane rides. Yeah. Same here. What's your... What was yours again? Yours is Wild Horses. Yeah.

Yours is... When I Was Done Dying by Dan Deacon. Oh, that's... This is like death related. Yeah. Yeah. Fits right in. Yeah.

It might be a little on the nose for a death song. Oh. It fits for me. Boy, Alex. I'll think on it. Remember earlier when you were like, I'm sorry I'm so critical? No, that was to you. Now I'm being critical of Ian.

I'm trying to balance it. I like it. I love it. I like it. Yeah. I'll think of a death song. So, Teller. Teller.

Great pick. Thank you. Anything else to say about it? Their show Bullshit was also really good. I used to watch that a lot. Yeah. I good moments yeah it was yeah i guess saying it was really good it's not it's not it was okay it was all right it had some definitely some really good stuff on it uh and uh one of the things that i know from because i've been fans of them for a long time on the stage show uh pen is wrong about almost everything he talks about when he's not

doing the show he is just aggressively wrong. Yeah, yeah. And Teller has not done that to me. Like, the more I find out about Teller, I'm not as more disappointed the way I am with Penn. It's time for my fourth pick. Let's hear it.

Serpentine. It's not a serpentine draft. It's not gonna be... I don't think it's gonna be popular, but I gotta fucking ride with it. I got to take Turtle from Entourage, dude. Oh. Yeah.

All right. Classic from that list of internet's best sidekicks. No, is he really? He was. He was like, I didn't see Turtle on any list I looked at, all right? He got on a couple of them. And if I was coming in here not having seen every episode of Entourage for like four times, then it'd be another story. I love that show. Okay, so I saw the movie last year yeah and i did not care for it without having seen

the show i've never seen the show oh well that's but i was like but i do not understand so so the movie was all the worst parts of the tv show it feels like they were like what if we made a show of douches they're not well some of i mean first of all it's a it's a comedy and you have to remember that when you're watching it like these characters yeah are yeah in that classic comedy way where you have to keep telling yourself no no this is funny no no this is a comedy no these characters are like hyper hyperbole like johnny drama is a hilarious character like a hyperbolic yeah version of this like type of dude in holly And Turtle, to talk about why I like his sidekick, or I can go into entourage, here's what I find appealing about it. It's a lot of the, yes, a lot of the time it's funny in awful sophomoric ways.

And it really is. And even when I was first on, I knew that. But it also is genuinely funny sometimes. Ari's an amazing character. Vince kind of sucks. Johnny Drama's a really entertaining character. The rags to riches part of it is very appealing.

Where they set up these high stakes situation where the only outcome is either extremely positive or neutral. And all solved by a phone call. And it's almost always solved. Yeah. And then on top of it, and this is a point that Bill Simmons made which is maybe another bro-y sort of of dude but like it's a really great like tourism show for los angeles

for like a certain era because they go film on location at all these different places yeah yeah they're they're homophobic in a lot of different areas in a lot of different parts of la including west hollywood ironically and uh yeah and they go there there'll be no high fiving by god damn it alright I still take turtle I don't give a fuck no you can still yeah yeah

that's fine um I'm surprised I'm sure croutons have been racist at some point yeah well absolutely they were invented

to stop uh Chinese people from voting probably somehow I'd love to hear the middle step but it's step one

make croutons step three turtle is the rider diast member of that entire entourage turtle is such a positive dude yeah you know i mean every like he'll he'll get into like a little bit of trouble every now and then like in the pursuit of marijuana or a pair of sneakers that have been customized by a graffiti artist, for example. All good. Yeah. Good pursuits. But for the most part, he's always got Vince's back and he takes very little from him and

he ends up making a lot of himself. I won't put any spoilers out there, but he ends up becoming very rich off of a tequila company that he invested with Mark Cuban. No spoilers. I don't know if you know how the spoilers work. Yeah, no spoilers. I don't know if you know how the spoilers work. Yeah, no spoilers. But I was going to ask what happened, because I didn't know,

and then you didn't remember from the movie, and then I was disappointed you weren't going to spoil it. Kind of relieved. Yeah. In the way you didn't spoil it, I still understand. I think anyone who's really put the time in on Entourage would agree with me. Yeah, I'm not sure that I disagree.

I just remember the movie was douchey. And the worst part of the movie was there were these bros behind me that were having a great time. Yeah. No, you just saw it in 3D. Yeah. You saw it in IMAX.

That's all that happened. I took that too literally. That's a really, really good joke. I didn't laugh at enough. I'm sorry. Thanks, Alex. Your apology is all I wanted. Yeah, the bros were having a great time, and that made me sad.

There's a certain kind of person when they're really happy. Like when the Cubs won, I was like, yeah, good job, underdogs. And then the TV camera cut to this bar in Chicago, and there was a guy holding two beers, really happy, cheering with his arms up in the air and both beers were pouring on women behind him and the women were cheering and didn't care and I was like just bummed that they were having a good time I was like if you guys are happy I feel like

something bad has happened the safety of our country can only be accomplished through the radical acceptance of bros that's the thing I firmly believe that's a real manifesto I believe the radical acceptance of bros i this is the thing i firmly believe that's a real manifesto for a sentence i believe the radical acceptance of bros is necessary because there are many dudes on the precipice who feel like they could go either one way into into trumplandia or another into being

an acceptable dude and all they need so wait is is someone from from the right side saying, you're all right. It's okay. So you're saying that the bro who's not as homophobic is like our best case scenario with that guy? Yeah. So we need to accept them to keep them just a little bit. Yeah. We need more liberal bros. Not everybody can be like an anti-fascist.

I guess maybe then I, bros out there. Yeah. Because I'm sure there are some. Oh, you listen to this podcast? Yeah. Yeah.

I accept you and I only, I want you to be a little bit better. Yeah. I don't want all of us to be a little better. Can we tweak the visor thing just a little bit? Why?

There are compromises that have to be made. With them wearing visors? Upside down. What if you have a tight spike upstairs? But you still need to keep the sun out of your eyes. I mean, I guess for practical reasons, we could talk. If you got the big bucket of the driving range, come on.

You know you're going to be out there for the whole afternoon? Got a couple of blue moon pictures on the way? There are circumstances where a visor is acceptable. I feel like you're not just accepting. I think you might love these bros. Yeah, you're pandering a little bit. Daddy, I'm a bro. I've been a bro this whole time.

I've mellowed out a little bit in my old age, but yeah. I see it now. That's my secret. I see it. That's a lot of information. I feel like I always thought you were one of us, and now that I'm looking at it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You mean that?

That mustache you're wearing? You mean it? Yeah. This is a sincere mustache. It's a good mustache, though. Thank you very much. It's a really good mustache. I didn't say that.

Thank you, Phoebe. What's your favorite turtle moment? Oh, God. You know what I really... I don't know. I don't know what my favorite turtle moment is. I felt one that was very impactful on me was one I previously mentioned, which was where he goes on this hunt for this customized pair of sneakers with Vince.

And eventually Vince helps him get it. But just like, I just love how much he's there for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I just really appreciate that, Adam. That's beautiful. Yeah. Phoebe, there's a question in the studio.

Why is he called Turtle? Ooh, good question. I don't think they ever answer that. Can we make it up? Yes. Right now? He can put his whole head inside his chest cavity. It was sort of a party trick.

Alex wins. So that's why they call him Turtle. Yeah. Phoebe, let's find out the story behind your next pick. This is number four. Your fourth, and then five. And then your final one right after. Two in a row?

Yeah. All right. I did not know what a serpentine draft meant, but as soon as you explained it, I grabbed onto it. It is a serpentine draft. I am impressed that how strong you're holding onto not understanding this. I'm not. How the third time it's happened, you're like, what?

Two in a row? Who would ever do that in a draft it the specific rules of a serpentine draft happen to also seem to have the same work within the same cortex of my brain that can't do math yeah where it's like this like like like we're like working working memory thing or keep it in my head at the same time as it's happening. So it's a little difficult, Alex. One, two, three, three, two, one. One, two, three, three, two, one. Oh, that's why it's...

Serpentine. What's great about that is, for the listeners at home, she just drew a serpent in the sky. Give you a better idea of what that looks like. Quetzalcoatl, the great serpent spirit that summoned... I don't know, that might not be the right name. No, I get it now now I can't wait to hear four and five from you

okay four nestled in there I just I started okay I decided to start classic go in with a couple

couple hot shut up can I interrupt for just one second please do I was fucking right with Quetzalcoatl were you really that was the serpent spirit.

Nicely done. Fucking yeah. I've been in LA enough time to know the dragon spirits around here. I have a vanity plate that says Quetzalcoatl on it. Alright, Phoebe, I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, no problem. So I went with a couple controversial picks. Some emotions were

high. Things were said. Now third, I'm throwing in just like half to shout out. Fourth. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Ed Norton. Honeymooners. Oh! Classic.

That is a classic. No other sidekick would exist without him. On the internet's lists. I didn't read any of these lists. Not accusing you. Just saying the internet agrees with you. Thanks to the internet. People at Rank i didn't read any not accusing you just saying the internet agrees with you thanks the people at uh ranker.com agree with you now when you speak to me i feel like i'm on trial so that's the tone you were picking up no we're gonna go back to the tone of your first

pick which is i have not seen the honeymooners but i'm gonna riff real hard really you haven't seen the honeymooners no holy is that the one where he's always gonna punch his wife bangs him to the moon i mean yeah if that's yeah that's the premise of the show all right i'm on Really? You haven't seen The Honeymooners? No. Is that the one where he's always going to punch his wife? Bangs him to the moon, Alice. Yeah, that's the premise of the show. All right, I'm on board so far. It's the reason why everything we love exists. And I think... Wait a second.

Honeymooners made chocolate? Wait a minute. Oh, boy. It isn't an exciting pick. It isn't a particularly divisive, creative one. No. But in my heart, I couldn't let this podcast go to print without having said it. As a tip of the hat and a thank you.

It's kind of excessive that you print out the whole show. I think it's nice. No, no, but it's great. I mean, it's a nice service to the people on the Metro who pick it up. The coffee book version of the podcast. Ed Norton. I love him. He's quintessential to the sidekick.

Ian's still Googling, so let me ask. Do you have a favorite Ed Norton moment? I'm present. You know, I was trying to think of one, and I can't. I think that his, it's just his personality it's his character that's so good it's the way he agrees to go on these intensely pointless yeah over inflated situations with ralph that are my favorite moments like there's not one in particular and that's what makes him such a good side yeah. Yeah, Ralph gets him involved in all these harebrained schemes all the time.

Schemes, hardcore schemes that won't even really affect Ed that much. They're all to get Ralph... And Ralph Kranman's such a prick. Although, ultimately a lovable prick, but Ed Norton is such a good-natured sweetheart who will sometimes go

back and forth with him a little bit. Yeah. He's what Piglet could be, essentially. It's a real Pooh-Piglet dynamic. Oh, so your draft is a journey. You're saying that Ed Norton is part of the Phoebe Bottoms draft pick cinematic universe. Yep. That's what I'm saying.

It's a whole scheme I'm working. I like that. I don't know how mine connects, so I do appreciate that about your list. No problem. So yeah, Ed Norton, I think more than anything, I love sidekicks. They wouldn't exist without him. Our favorite comedies wouldn't exist without the Honeymooners. So thank you.

Barney Rubble is basically based on Ed Norton. So if you need a reference. Is there a way I can make croutons analogous to the Flintstones in some way for you to understand with your pea brain? You get one try at it, though. Okay. You get one swing. You know how sometimes a bird will spit out some rocks onto a thing of greens and go, it's a living.

And you're like, oh, these rocks are making the salad better. Back in the Flintstones era. I'm glad I only gave you one shot at it. You just used a pelican and dug your hole a little bit deeper. I really fucked up. I really fucked up this time, guys. We gave you a chance. You didn't.

No, I dropped that ball. Well, you have another chance right now. fucked up this time guys we gave you a chance you didn't no I fortunately dropped that ball well you have another chance right now with your final pick the first pick of the final round so I saved this one for last there's all these side kicks at home that are like please

this is my last chance I've already bought a house I better get this I've been dealing with this one all day and uh it okay i'm so stressed out i'm just gonna say who it is i for my last psychic if you say my husband i'm fucking done with you no i pick rob schneider what i've done with you what listen no as a Shut up. I feel like you're trying to trump this game where you're trying to be so bad at it. You're trying to shoot the moon of drafting. I have so many notes about it.

I hate him so much. Yes. But he lives his entire identity as a human being is based on being a sidekick. I hate that you're right. Nothing he has in his real human day-to-day life, he has it because he's a sidekick, because he's riding the coattails of someone more successful

and more talented than him. And okay. It's an amazing pick. He's the ultimate parasitic sidekick. He's a parasite. He's like a fucking demon, an ineffective one, that needed to find a host. And it got sucked into Adam Sandler.

And the only reason he's able to stay alive is because he's been body snatched essentially as a career. Okay, so I accidentally watched all of Ridiculous 6 last night. Yeah, we've all done that accidentally. I've accidentally watched part of ridiculous six how did you keep fucking up the whole time it's mesmerizingly bad i bet it's a lot but the thing is with it that so it came out okay so rob schneider has this netflix original series called real rob which is a vanity project. That is my favorite thing on the internet.

Favorite thing on the internet, second only to The Andrew Show, which is a weekly web show made by the grandson of the Grand Wizard of the KKK. It's great. Anyway. Wait, so the grandson of the Grand Wizard, does that make him a great Grand Wizard? I'm trying to do the math on this. Where do the grands cross each other out and he's just a wizard? May I interrupt Alex to continue my Rob Schneider?

Ian? Yes, please. Thank you. Okay, so he has a show Real Rob. And when I was watching Ridiculous 6, that came out before Real Rob did. And Rob Schneider has so many lines he has more lines than Adam Sandler and I think what's happening is Sandler was trying to help his stupid fucking friend get this dumb show off so he you know he bolstered him and let him be a

feature as a sidekick then he got this show and it's so bad. And now in the latest movie, Sandy Wexler, Rob Schneider is in it, but he's the disembodied voice of like a, like an Armenian landlord or something. He's like on his way out. He's on his way out, but still lingering to be a little bit racist. Yes. Very racist. 100% of the time. Rob Schneider was in demolition man. So he's also a sidekick to other people but as a human being he is a horrible little sidekick and i hate him so just to be clear you're saying he is bad you don't like him but like you need him on the team but as sort of a rod but we didn't say who are the sidekicks we love the most yeah Yeah, he is. The pick is sidekicks.

He has lived his entire public life as a sidekick. He's a parasite. He's a parasite. Wait, I guess, Ian, you didn't specify in the email. We're not supposed to like them? You don't have to. Huh. It's up to every, you don't get up here and play jazz.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. All right. Yeah. Man, I like all mine. We let Crouton slide by. I'm not a huge Crouton fan. I wouldn't say slide. I feel like we roughed it up on the way by.

Yeah, you guys are like a fucking slip and slide with no hose attached to it for that one. But you know what? Judge Dredd, too. I burned the back of my legs getting to the end of that one, but it was worth it. He's terrible. It's a great analogy. And he's an anti-vaxxer. He's a very conservative conservative, like Trump guy.

Yeah. Yeah. He's really mean to comedy plays. He's mean. Yeah, he is. Right. Real terrible to staffs. Arrogant, mean, stupid, not talented. But he has a career that everyone knows about because he's a sidekick.

Other people write all his material for him and he still delivers it poorly. Yeah. He's the worst person in entertainment. He doesn't listen to this, does he? Boy, I hope he does. Big fan, big fan. Because I want to, I just want, I don't know, I don't want him to be mad at me anyway.

Oh, you don't want Rob Schneider to be mad at you? I don't like thinking anyone's mad at me. That really... Sorry, that was... A guy drove by this afternoon in the valley and the car slowed down and he looked me in the eye and flipped me off and drove away. What'd you do, bro? That's what I've been wondering all day.

It's a valley. It's a harsh place for delicate things. I mean, I just assume he's right. Yeah. I mean, it was so intentional. I assume that I did something. But just knowing that that guy in that El Camino is mad at me ruined my day. I don't want Rob Schneider to hear this and be like...

Well, let's all say something nice about his pop star daughter, Elle King, and then move on. I really like X's and O's. Yeah. It's a very catchy, well-done song. It's a banger. Yeah. I refuse.

Well, all right, babes. I'm out. It was like Hillary at the end of that debate where they were like, say something nice about him, and she was like, beautiful kids. Beautiful kids. That's what we're going to do to Rob Schneider. I fully disagree with. I hate his kids. Not true.

And not a compliment to him. Rob Schneider great pick. I agree. I think very yeah. Couldn't be more wrong but a great pick. Croutons. Everything you said was right. Sidekick out of movies. Yeah. I like it. Thanks guys. Time for

my final pick. Ian's last choice. Damn. All the sidekicks. There's I like it. Thanks, guys. Time for my final pick. Ian's last choice. Damn. All the sidekicks. There's only two more chances for you to get picked in this year's draft. Wait, Alex, do you have one left?

I do. Okay. Do you ever do afterwards? I know this show is already like four hours long, but do you ever do like people who could be purchased

in a free agency but were not drafted? Yeah, we'll call some of them out. Yeah, I just want to give a couple of high fives. I have to take, I would be remiss if I didn't, if I left it on the board,

even though I don't think it's going to like being drafted as a sidekick. Ooh, I like that. I still believe that it's true, and I'm afraid to do it in this room right now, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm taking Canada. Oh, Canada.

Yeah, America's sidekick. That was on my list. I wasn't going to draft it, but it was on my maybes. Often kinder, often nicer sidekick. But I think our sidekick nonetheless.

It's not Mexico. Our sidekick is much more likely to be Canada. I love it. I love country i'm the two cities i've been to which are toronto and uh and vancouver montreal i've never been to the cove i've been to victoria oh okay i've never been to the cove yeah i've never been invited it's beautiful is it the whole country is incredible the whole thing is great well yeah i mean there's probably- Toronto's amazing. Toronto is amazing. I love Toronto. Oh, can people tweet at us what we should eat in Toronto? We've already started trying to figure that out.

Oh, yeah. So can I tweet at you what you should eat in Toronto? I have some suggestions. The Parks and Labor Burger closed. Okay. I just found out. Well, definitely try some Asian cuisines because I had Japanese food. Yeah.

I had Chinese food and I had Chinese food and I uh I had Vietnamese food I think I mean I ate so much good food all bangers isn't it so great it's my favorite it's it's one of my five favorite cities to do comedy in it's so fun yeah every show I did there was great yeah I love Toronto because the crowds are so good because all the talent gets stuck there and then they're like exposed to all this amazing comedy so you have these like crowds that are used to seeing like eclectic comedy that, you know, like unique voices, like the kind you can see at the comedy bar in Toronto on June 26th. Yeah.

Oh, wait, 23rd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say also, do not eat burritos there, which should be obvious, but I made that. Somebody recommended it. Someone tweeted at me. I had Beck's Conf food in London recently. And that was weird. I went to a Chipotle when I was living in London for a month,

and it was the guy behind me in line didn't know what a burrito was and seemed very wary of it. The burrito I got in Canada, and I've called them out on two other podcasts, but Burrito Boys with a Z at the end. Wor worst place i've ever

eaten they so what they do is they roll the burrito and around live mice they put the food in like a line they make like your your beans are in a very thin line and then the sauce is in a very thin line and then they roll it up so that like like the left half is beans and the right half is sour cream. It's awful. And then they stab a toothpick through it that has your name on it. So when they grill the outside, they know whose burrito is whose. And so they just keep stabbing holes all the way around the burrito.

So when you take a first bite, it sprinkles out the sides. It's surprisingly bad. Ian, can we go there, though? It sounds fascinating. Definitely not. It sounds fascinatingly bad. I almost jumped over the counter when they first stabbed it. I was trying to save a baby.

I was like, ah! It sounds like a Cronenberg restaurant. Like how Cronenberg would make a burrito. It was a nightmare. I also had some real bad pizza. But I had the best Thai food I've ever eaten. Really? Unbelievable.

This couple from Thailand that moved to Toronto and they had their like story of their love on the wall in pictures and I fell in love with them and it was just the most incredible food. Man, I had a great time

in Toronto. So, great sidekick to have. They probably like to think of themselves as a sovereign nation. Yes. They certainly are a sovereign nation.

But they're so polite. We're doing so much better than us right now. In a lot of ways. Right. In a way that like it almost sucks to see your sidekick outshining you like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Big ups. Big ups to little buddy. We drag them into all sorts of unfortunate situations and they help us get out of it. Wars, for example. Mostly lows. Yeah, yeah. This is a sidekick pick.

It's not a condescending sidekick pick. It's one out of love. I think for the most part sidekicks are a positive thing yeah i think everyone is endeared to a sidekick i i wonder about that do you think like do you think there are that most sidekicks are like at some point i want to be kanye west famous or do you think they're all happy to be jay-z's friend i think it's i think it varies from case to case i think chewb they're all happy to be Jay-Z's friend? I think it varies from case to case. I think Chewbacca was happy to be part of the team.

I think a truly good sidekick like Chewbacca or Ed Norton, happy to just be along for the ride. Or Croutons. Or Croutons. Croutons. Just stoked to be part of the team. I'm going to go eat my salad after this. Just stoked to be considered a sidekick.

Alex Falcone, you have the final pick. This is less funny because of what you just did. Yeah. I'm going to go with the moon. Oh, the moon is great. Oh, the moon is a good one. The moon is for sure a sidekick.

I had Canada and then I thought of the moon and crossed out Canada because the moon has been, like loyalty is my number one thing. The moon's been here as long as I can remember. It ain't going nowhere.

Every night, baby. Also, you have to- It kind of acts like it might go somewhere, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It changes its outfit. its outfit i'm back and bigger than ever the moon talks during that i voice the moon also i love the idea of like i think the important thing for sidekicks is for them to have a separate power yeah and like the moon makes waves the tides the tides which makes surfing possible. Yeah.

No one's surfing if there's no moon. Shout out to Andy Wood. Shout out to. Happy birthday. We love you. Yeah. Anybody. The surfing is great.

Also really helped Buzz Aldrin's career. Yeah. Big for Buzz. Really good for him. We were worried about him for a while. His parents were like, what are you going to do with yourself? The Air Force thing was great, Buzz. One small step for man, one big step for moving out of my parents' house.

It's a big day for Buzz. It's played a large role in feminine spirituality. It has. It's really nice. Apparently it does in a way that scientists do not entirely understand affects periods. That's the moon, man. Yeah, it turns them into commas. Cool. That's how we got commas.

It's just a slight gravitational pull on the period. I had to be at work 12 hours ago. It's been a long day. It's been a long day for old carms. Carmack McCarthy had a long day no carm no foul uh uh yeah the moon's a great pick we've we've been there it's a long distance relation but we still love them yeah yeah well a good dis it was closer bad for us it would fall in and kill us

yeah i do love in movies when the moon's way closer not in like Earth but like in Star Wars for example when there's like a moon looming on the horizon no no I know what you're thinking of but that's no moon that's the planet that's no moon I didn't work today so I'm fresh that's no moon

oh I'm so glad you guys didn't draft the moon I was so happy with that you got Biden and the moon and I thought yeah happy with that. You got Biden and the moon. And I thought, yeah, I was going to bookend with Biden and the moon. I thought you would take Biden. I was right. Yep. I would have, too.

Yeah. I can't believe. Yeah. Anyway. Are we reading our other ones now? Oh, shall we? Yeah. Is there anything else to say about the moon?

There are others, but that one's ours. Yeah, yeah. It's the moon. It's not a moon. How do you think the other moons feel about that? Well, some of them have names, and the moon does not have a name. That's yeah. It's the moon. It's not a moon. How do you think the other moons feel about that? Well, some of them have names, and the moon does not have a name. It's just the moon. Cassie of the year.

Yeah, yeah. All the Jupiter ones have names, and all those we might live on someday. Yeah. Whereas the moon, we'll have a base, but we'll never feel like we're at home there. Europa. I'm named after the moon. Oh, is Phoebe, is that a moon thing? Yeah, she's a moon titan.

Oh, Phoebus, right? phoebus phoebus phoebus yeah phoebus my mom wanted a moon name couldn't think of one uh she want to name you buzz she wanted me buzz this is our bottoms this is our son buzz and our daughter the moon we wanted a moon name that was the first one we thought of. It was called Phoebe the Moon. Yeah, so what were some other, some stuff we left on the board? I want to say,

definitely going to get picked in free agency is Doc Holliday. Oh, Doc Holliday is so good. I forgot about Doc Holliday. I'm your huckleberry. Then again, you could be the Antichrist. God, he's so good. Everything he says in that movie. Val Kilmer's.

Yeah, Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday. Andy Richter. Andy Richter, for sure. Absolutely. Andy Richter's about the sweetest guy I've ever met in my life. Yes, yes. He's so nice. And fine and great.

Luigi. Luigi's great. That's a good one. I have Smithers, Dom DeLuise. Uh-huh. Jeff Garland from Curb. Oh, Jeff would be good. Gary from Veep. Mm-hmm. Ice Cream Cones. Oh, Jeff would be good. Gary from Veep. Ice

Cream Cones. Oh! Did you go with Ice Cream? We would have been real hard on that one, too. I don't know if you would have been. Cones I'm more okay with than the Brutons. Yeah, I think that's extra. They're doing more of an assist there. The guy who wore a suit and danced on stage while the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones played?

Was that on your list? Yeah, it's on my list. It's right here under Jelly. which is a sidekick to peanut butter. Jelly's on mine. Is it really? Yeah, so is cheese of mac and cheese. Yeah. Silvio from Sopranos. Oh, Silvio's good.

Fries? Fries? Let me tell you, fries are more of a sidekick than croutons. Oh, yeah. Perfectly. I think they're even. You're insane. You're insane.

You're insane. You're wrong. If you'd picked fries, I would have been so into that. People think they're even. You're insane. You're insane. You're wrong. If you'd picked fries, I would have been so into that. No, no, no. You can get a side of fries independent of a burger more easily than you can get a side Wait, wait, wait. What did you say you can get a side of croutons? A what of fries? A side of fries.

Oh, like as in sidekick? Like a sidekick of fries? Like a sidekick of fries? Well, I'll take a sidekick of fries, por favor. The fact that you can't get a side of croutons might work against you. No, it doesn't because it's intermeshed with the salad. You belong in prison. You belong in a prison colony like Australia or Alcatraz.

Or the moon. Or the moon. If we're lucky. Our picks? Oh, yeah. Any more? Oh, yeah. Dr. Watson.

Of course, Dr. Watson. Stimpy and Pokey for me. Oh, Pokey from Gumby. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Love apy and Pokey. Of course, Dr. Watson. Stimpy and Pokey for me. Oh, Pokey from Gumby. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Love a sidekick you can ride. So the pits went like this.

A sidekick you can ride. That's what marriage is. That's the name of my autobiography. Phoebe Bottoms, you went with Hank Kingsley right out of the gate, and then Piglet, and then the Croutons. Yep. And then Ed Norton from The Honeymooners, and then Rob Schneider. Yeah.

I went second, and I took Chewbacca, and then George Costanza, and then Nate Dogg, and then ed norton so hard from the honeymooners and then rob schneider yeah i went second and i took chewbacca and then george costanza and then nate dog and then turtle and then canada alex falcone you went third and still managed to get joe biden and then hermione granger abu from aladdin teller and then the earth's moon the moon Yeah. I feel strong about this, but I feel like your list, hearing them all together, I think your list might have some more, it might hold together better. Yeah. And I feel like in distant third, croutons. Croutons.

But. But with a couple of amazing picks. That's why we have a vote. That's why we have a vote and it's up to you. That's my vote. Alex should have to eat salads without croutons for the rest of his life. I don't remember. Can I be honest with you guys?

I don't remember the last time I even had a crouton on a salad. I had a crouton in the last week. I've had croutons four times the fourth, four times I've eaten the same salad in the same week. I like to do a nut instead. I like a salad bar. You can do both. We get it. You have a job.

Pumpkin seed. I like a pumpkin seed or perhaps a pine nut. A pine nut. Oh, if you're fancy. Yeah. I'll take a sunflower seed. Oh, I pumpkin seed. Like a pumpkin seed? Or perhaps a pine nut? A pine nut. Oh, if you're fancy. Yeah. I'll take a sunflower seed. Oh, I'm fancy. Do you not see the floral print on these khaki shorts?

You are the fanciest, bro. Are those table tray pattern pants? Say what? Table tray pattern? It's from like six hours ago. Yeah, yeah. Because table trays have floral patterns on them. Yep.

So if your pants were like a table. Your pants look like a tablecloth. Like a TV tray? A table so you can over your pants. And actually you have rug themed shoes. So it's sort of like. It's a Pendleton. It's a Pendleton rug themed.

Pendleton rug themed. They do look a little bit like a rug. So you have a tablecloth on your legs and a rug for feet. It's perfect. I just, I heralded our podcast. Oh yeah, yeah. I heralded it. We're going to do a blackout.

Yep. Right now. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything smoke weed

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