All Fantasy Everything - Signs You're Getting Older (w/ Ashley Braband, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

We're not a young as we used to be, darling, and on this episode, we explore EXACTLY how we know that. Ashley Braband joins the Good Vibes Gang to draft Signs We're Getting Old!Episode Guest: Ashley Braband @ashleybraband IG: @ashleybrabandSponsors:Mack Weldon: Get 20% off your first order at mackweldon.com/allfantasy and enter promo code 'allfantasy'.BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/allfantasy.DoorDash: Get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order, when you download the DoorDash app and enter code ALLFANTASY.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of pop culture, from breakfast foods to band names and everything in between. On this episode, we're drafting Signs That You're Getting Older

with Ashley Braband from the Sports Podcast and many wonderful things to come, including possibly a podcast. Keep an eye out for it. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me as always are my friends David Borey and Sean Jordan. Let's hear that theme music. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that got beat at dreidel real bad. Now... Real bad.

Well, it's also the podcast that might not know what dreidel is. You don't know what dreidel is? I know what a dreidel is, but I didn't know. He made you out of clay. I didn't know it was a verb. Dreidel, dude. It's a game. It's got a hay.

You get half of the pot. A shin. You put one in. Well, a noon. You get nothing. No action. And a gimel, which means you get everything in the pot. And my girlfriend and I played a high stakes game of dreidel on one of the Hanukkah nights, and I just got massacred.

What are you playing for, ones? Fingers? You're playing for fingers, right? Chocolate coins. Trish and Trish. Yeah, chocolate coins. Yes! Guilt.

Really? That's the kind of podcast it is. That definitely is the kind of podcast it is. She's a very competitive person, and somehow in a game of chance she's still one don't you hate it when that happens when you're playing like i've lost like that to people at dice and i'm like you're talking shit but it's not any i don't know how you're still doing this it doesn't make any sense she was talking shit too but it's it's just it's

just the way the dreidel falls there's not a a better way to... I was spinning the dreidel better. Tight. A tight spin. I could make it do what I wanted. Do you spin it with your fingers or is there like a dreidel spinner? No, with your fingers, man. What do you think? This is a Beyblade?

Yeah. David, I'm learning stuff, man. That one was just for Marissa anyways. Thank you. Thank you, David. I did giggle at that. I was muted, but I did giggle. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Dreidel, bro. Yeah. Dreidel, bro. Yeah. Dreidel, bro. Dreidel. Ashley, you can talk whatever. You know that. It's one of those podcasts where you don't have to wait for us to be like, and what do

you think, Ashley? And introducing Ashley. So don't worry about that. Jump in. Get in the gumbo. Got it. Cookie and Dewey? And Dewey?

And Dewey. And Dewey. Is there not an L in there? There's two L's, bro. There's two L's. Andouille. Ladies love. Ladies love French sausage.

Wow. Is it French? I think so. Or Cajun. Yeah. It's at least like New Orleans. Creole, right? Creole.

Yeah, Creole. That is French-ish. Sure. It's spicy either way and Dooley down there now get a Creole with a sauteed little wing get a big old pot boiling over there and put that andouille sauce in there come on

get on the back oh yeah did I listen to the other day it's a good I don't know. Oh, now there. Get on the back, or yeah. Dude, I listened to Ha the other day. It's a good-ass song. It's so good. Yeah, that song's amazing. You're a paper chaser.

You got your block on fire. Wait before it's time. Until the moment you expire. Know what it is? You make something out of nothing. Handle your biz. Quit all that crying and the suffering. Is that what it is?

Oh, yeah. It pretty much sounds exactly the same yeah i remember when kids were making fun of ha and they were like he just rhymes everything with ha absolutely before and then also ha yeah you yeah yeah yeah yeah no that sounds i never didn't like i that song is amazing i love that song i used to watch it on the box you guys remember the box oh yeah we talked about this i don't we didn't have oh yeah you didn't have it That song is amazing. I love that song. I used to watch it on The Box. You guys remember The Box? Oh, yeah. We've talked about this. I don't. We didn't have it. Oh, yeah.

You didn't have it. Ashley, did you have The Box? No. What? We had The Box. Oh, The Box. What's The Box? It was like this music channel, but you could call in to request videos so they would play

super underground shit because it would just be people calling in. it was like better videos than mtv at the time so like the cooler version of total request live yeah yeah but but you had to pay for it like on your phone bill oh yeah yeah yeah to call the request oh maybe we could have had the box if we would have paid for it i guess i didn't yeah you had to pay. Yeah, you had to pay to call in. Oh, okay. All right. Although it might have been on cable.

I don't remember. I just loved it. Great riff, guys. I'm sorry. It was a good riff. People are like, I'm gone off this bang. David is drinking a bang energy drink right now, and he's not a caffeine man. I don't recommend it.

This is fucking, i'm fucked up man that's the kind of shit i used to do when i worked at the call center at netflix and i would have to be there at like 4 a.m i would just like hammer weird energy drinks yeah and then just be like in your cubicle was it a cubicle or was cubicle yeah absolutely man i used to stand up in my cubicle you know control the space yeah nice we had, my girlfriend for a while worked for Red Bull, so she would give me like little pallets of Red Bull and I would just bring them to work and we'd have Red Bull drinking contests

to see who could drink the most Red Bull in like an eight hour shift. That's Red Bull marathons. It'll lead us right into what we're going to talk about. But I mean, I remember, I used to be able to drink like 10. I mean, that's just astonishing. In freshman year of college, there was this dude, we're going to talk about but i mean i remember i we i used to be able to drink like 10 oh i mean that's just astonishing and in freshman year college there's this dude i think i think i'm

getting this story right nick man pay you'll correct me if i'm wrong uh not not on the podcast not in the studio but uh in in portland uh there was this dude named schmink i think was his name yeah and we had yeah and we had like meal plans right with points on it and for some reason he had a ton of extra points he was on the southern oregon university football team he was a giant dude and at the end of the year he had like a bunch of points left over so he just went to the student store and got a bunch of the big red bulls you know yeah tall boys drank as many of them as he could and i think had to go to the hospital it's not funny but his heart hurt he was okay like oh my heart hurts to drink so much red bull that you have to go to the hospital at like at 19 that's a lot of red

bull when you're when you're like perfect yeah that's tough that was when my heart was beating the fastest anyways yeah yeah yeah it's slowed down now the excitement of what might be what might be to come yeah anything could happen yeah you might's slowed down now. The excitement of what might be to come. Yeah, anything could happen. Yeah, you might get a bang energy drink at some point. I might not. Doesn't it have like crosshairs on the B? Isn't that like its design?

Yeah, that's not a good sign. There's also an entire warning thing. But it also says it has the caffeine of two cups of coffee, which is like. That's not bad, that's negligible. Why did you pick that one? Like you go into 7-E of coffee, which is like, that's not bad. That's negligible. Why did you pick that one? Like, you go into 7-Eleven, you're like, I need caffeine. Let me get the one with the crosshairs.

Get him. Throughout my life, green shit has been marketed to me, and I just buy it. Huh. More Sprite. Weed. Money. Margaritas. Yeah.

I don't know. It was really, it was green as hell. Okay. It just made me feel like that was gonna, what was gonna do. I'm not even that sleepy like when i'm saying i stayed up last night i mean i went to bed at like 1 30. sometimes you need to throw yourself a curveball and see if you can hit it i get it that's true that's true that's true a lot of the days are blending together you need to say like okay okay what's the what makes today different oh that was the day i had a bang energy drink and i can't i

can't stress enough i have not drank a lot of it no you're a quarter in yeah yeah if that it's there's someone on this podcast who looks like he did smash a whole energy drink just based on his hair his name is sean s jordan on twitter sean cougar metal jordan on instagram your hair is crazy right now dude it's uh i've had i you know i don't take a shower in the morning anymore i shower at night so my hair's just kind of it just kind of does it and i put a hat on pretty much right away i feel comfortable with all you say i don't take a shower in the morning you know i don't claim to know your bathing habits because they constantly surprise me now you know oh i did i took dude i

took a bath i took a bath yesterday an epsom salt bath i bet you did it at 2 p.m it was tank it was like three it was like three o'clock whoa three o'clock i went skating we went skating yesterday and i got home and i was like i go to laura i was like i'm about to take a fucking bath what do you think she's like yeah go take a bath you say it like that i did did. I said, yeah. Wait, to get clean or like to relax? To chill. I don't think I, you don't get clean off a bath.

Yeah, not really, no. That's day one right there. But yeah, just to relax, get the muscles right. And I watched a little bit of Grey's Anatomy in the bath. It was fun. You light a candle? No, it was daylight. So I didn't think you were lighting a candle for light like you were thomas jefferson working on the i do like how i apply like no we have electricity i'm

not i'm not an asshole my ebenezer scrooge cap hanging down to my nipples yeah i don't know you gotta get a can you gotta get some scented candle do you use bath bombs are you a bath bomb guy i'm out right now if anybody if anyone out there's listening i ran out of bath bombs so i have a p.o box christmas is coming up you know bomb my p.o box don't buy a bath bomb i don't want to go out in public oh Oh, is that what? I'm safe. You know, you can get them. There's this website called Amazon and you can like Google stuff and it pops right up and you can order it online.

It's great. I need to go over the electricity thing again. I don't know electricity. Can you order it with a candle? Because otherwise we're just going in circles because I'm out of candles. So how was this? How was the skateboarding? Was it with your new group of friends friends the 40 over 40s pushing boardies

sean's at the skate park with his new friends did you have fun with your new friends at the skate park i was talking to my boy ryan about it about how like it's weird it's it's interesting when you make new adult friends uh yeah we're you know i'm damn near 40 and i just made like five new friends in the last month and it's funny and it's in a weird time where you can't normally what we do is we'd go skate and then we'd be like let's go have a couple beers and we can't do that now so we're strictly skateboarding saying goodbye to each other in the parking lot and then all getting into our cars like like a weird first lunch date or something could you bring like a cooler and like have beers after in the parking lot well there's kids they bring their kids a lot of them so i don't want to

put that energy out there and like you know um it's not necessarily the drinking of the beer that is the ritual it's the going somewhere and chilling and like you know that stuff yeah so it's interesting but yeah man i have i've like i have new friends now what's the most intimate thing you know about any of them yeah how good i know i know they're kids yeah i see their kids it's pretty intimate like i'm out there chilling with their children i just wonder when you make new friends at this age it's like do you get do you get into the deep stuff but i guess that would be happening at the bar well yeah and some listen to the show so they know everything about me they know about you they know that you don't towel dry no clothes dry

clothing i clothing dry yeah um what were we talking about your new friends new friends skateboarding yeah new friends bro are you in the friends, bro. Skateboarding. Yeah, new friends, bro. Are you in the Christmas spirit yet? Dog. My sweater says slay my name on it. It's the slay my name. Yep. Yep.

That's it. Does that say say Santa I love you on the bottom? Sure does, Ash. Oh, nice. Yeah. I didn't see that the first time. Feels like they could have got the point across if it just said slay my name.

Well, they really wanted to drive it home. Could be kind of like BDS Emmy if it's just slay my name. Oh, I didn't think about that. Slay my name. I never think about BDS or M. Actually, M I think of a lot. I'll make a sweatshirt that says slay my body on it no no you won't stop it yeah man we went last night we went around east moreland they did

um individual houses had like um tents set up in their front yards and they were doing scenes from the nutcracker there was like a fundraiser for a portland ballet wow so you donate and then you get to kind of drive around. It was pretty traffic-y and shitty, but we saw a few. We took our nephews out and saw a few houses with ballet dancers out in the front. It was pretty dope. So yeah, I'm definitely in the Christmas spirit. I'm thrilled.

Hell yeah. And I'm excited to be hanging out with all of you, and this is great, and I love life. Beautiful. One of those people he's hanging out with is David Borey, the GSIL on Twitter, CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. How are you, buddy? I'm good, man. I think I'm getting Christmassy. I watched Home Alone

the other day and it's snowing here. It's so good. It's so good. It's amazing. It holds up. To be in the theme of the episode, as I'm getting older, one thing I didn't appreciate when I was a kid that i really love now is that is that old guy's relationship with his kid the scary dude i oh yeah oh yeah i cried it's so sweet like a month ago we watched it i was bawling it's so sweet it's so sweet no that movie is that movie's nice it's got that kid pee

in the bed it's like it's got everything you want just all can you imagine if someone was punking you out like that just eyeballing you like that prison stare drinking pepsi knowing they're gonna piss all over you later also can you imagine being a child assaulting two grown men like that man that's wild it's right up there he's doing like peter pan numbers as far as like fucking up adults here's a question can you imagine being an adult in the room when that other adult said, look what you did, you little jerk to like an eight year old? I'd be furious. Not even your kid. No, dude, I'd be fucking furious with that guy. I think it was the late 80s, early 90s.

Used to talk to kids like that. It's a different tone. Nah, not my kid. Hey, you little. Listen up, you son of a bitch. I'm going gonna punch you square in the fucking mouth go to work that's how they used to tell me that uncle was probably in vietnam dude like yeah yeah like they're lucky that's how spicy it comes up he's shed he's shed blood

no that guy was a soup can that guy was the one singing in the shower are you kidding me vietnam that's you can go to war and sing in the shower. Absolutely. Nah. What do you mean, nah? You can sing still in Saigon if you're in the shower, not the song he was singing. You ever seen South Pacific, dude? Watch South Pacific and then tell me if you think you can't go to war and sing in the shower.

Dude, I call it S-PAC. Yeah, I've seen it. Okay. S-PAC. How come pizza always looks so much better in movies and cartoons i mean i love pizza listen pizza's still 10 out of 10 but like in that movie i was just like holy shit they've never made a piece they've i've never had a slice as good as a ninja turtle slice never ever once and i've had some good ass pizza i've had great slices man yeah are you kidding me

i've had slices from here to miami that's probably true yeah in miami yeah yeah i have had pizza i'm that's the total truth how's colorado it's beautiful yeah uh i can't get a fucking ticket to zoo lights that's kind of chaps my ass are you throwing your are you throwing your name around they know what am i supposed to say? Tonight on Comedy Central, David Borey goes to Zoo Lights. You guys ever seen Conan? Because I was on there once. Let them know.

Tell them. It's fucking sold out until January 1st or 2nd or something. Who wants to go January 2nd? I do. I really love Zoo Lights. You want to know something, David? No. I went to zoo lights three nights ago in portland oregon no problem at all not sold out but it fucking drove through

i want to cut this bang open and stab you with it brought some hot chocolate from home is what i did yeah how's that doing drink more of your energy drink dickhead man i gotta say i'm used to not being able to swear and this is so refreshing yeah just like here i'm firing i'm like nervous to like oh man a couple drop it you're doing right now fill your sails i'm excited yeah i didn't want to go too big too soon you know we'll see we'll see what happens once i get warmed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bar is high. You don't go from crawling to misty flips.

You know what I mean? You got to work your way up there. I got to warm up first. I have to stretch. Misty flips, he says. Misty flips, dude. There's this dude named Eric Allen who we went to middle and high school with. He could do misty flips, bro. It was crazy.

Yeah, we had a couple of rollerbladers that could do them. Really? The way your voice sounds. Roll rollerbladers are so impressive to me i just think rollerblading is so cool i do too i'm with you on that i i really think it should come back i do too yeah the most popular kids growing up were always the rollerbladers oh they were definitely the coolest guys yeah yes those wrist guards they were roundly respected guys. They had those wrist guards. They were roundly respected. The knee pads and the elbow pads.

Safety. Oh, yeah, safety. Because they respected safety. They respected authority. Your bones aren't fully grown and your joints aren't fused. So, yeah, you got to be safe. I get it. Totally.

Sean, what did you think about rollerbladers in your high school? That's a great question. I was too busy cripping, i don't really care as long as they didn't have red on they got a pass oh yes i yeah do you sneak any peppermint schnapps into that hot cocoa or are you going straight laced i was behind the wheel man 10 and 2 out of it you know can i say i don't love uh i don't like hot tot i haven't drank for a while but like i don't like i don't like booze in christmas drinks i don't like rum and eggnog and i don't like like i don't like any booze in my hot here's the thing i think if i didn't have

like 40 drinks the night before i would enjoy a little a little splash of something in a christmas drink yeah i've never like enjoyed the booze because I'm always like, I feel like I'm going to hurl because of all the booze the night before, especially around the holiday breaks. Yeah. I just don't like the flavor of it. You know the exception? For me, it's hot cider with whiskey in it. That's the one that I'm like, okay, this is delicious.

Does the hot cider kind of drown out the whiskey for you? I mean, it depends how much whiskey you like. So, you know, it's really to taste, but they go well together. Just the, it's an audio medium. I like a heavy pour. The crowbar. Four fingers. But like fish fingers. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You like the Kawhi Leonard of whiskey. The length of your hand to palm a basketball that's how much i like four fingers but i like them webbed you know just like a surprisingly big like when you find out there are tarantulas that big like you kind of freak out of whiskey yeah yeah like a whole hand oh my god the soldiers are just holding that spider but i guess they're at war so that's at least with their worries you know when you get two fists of whiskey in that apple cider just like you're pounding up a home

yeah just like you're tapping up my drink my buddy my buddy one time we're at a bar he uh he got a vodka cranberry and he did that do this, but he drank it, and he walked up to the bartender, and he goes, Hey, another vodka cranberry. Why don't you put some fucking liquor in it this time? And I'm like, bro, that ain't the move. I bartended for a while. Nary once was I like, oh, gosh, did I not put enough liquor in it for you? I'm so sorry.

Let me fill it up. People who bust moves like that, I never understand. What do you think is going to happen? I don so sorry. Let me fill it up. People who bust moves like that, I never understand like, what do you think is going to happen? I don't know. It's wild to me. I don't care for it. Not now, not ever. I'll tell you that and I'll tell you it for free. It's too bad

that there's already a drink called this because a vodka cranberry should be called a zombie. Wait. With your bums and your guns and your bums and your guns. That's the whole drink name, though. Yeah. Yeah, the whole thing. You order it specifically.

They are dying. You want that meat or on the rocks? then somebody has to come in like over your shoulder and be like i mean i actually like that song though it's not it's a good song on the rocks on the rocks in my glass in my glass they are dying put it in my hand in my hand. In my hand. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Eh.

Eh. Oh. Oh. You have to do that part, too. All right, coming right up for you, Mr. Carmel. I mean, you could open a bar where that's the signature drink, and that's how you have to order it or you don't get it. Yes. Yes.

Exactly that. Sean, that's the bar we're going to open. We'll open that bar. And then also two Budweiser's. You have to order that first. Yeah. Sorry. And yeah, we'll do Greek fries.

We'll do some of the Greek fries too. We get three plates. Our special guest today is Ashley Braband. Add Ashley Braband on Twitter. Add Ashley Braband on Twitter. Add Ashley Braband on Instagram. Is that right as well? Yes. Yeah.

Now, late of the sports podcast on the only other podcast famous for being that. So what's going on with that? Tell us all about it. Well, I got laid off from ESPN. I was part of like the cuts that they, they've done a couple rounds of cuts in the pandemic. And so this last round, they said bye. And so like, we've been trying to figure out

what that means for the podcast because Katie and I have co-hosted it together for the last three years. So I've been like, I've still been doing it, but like once a week. And so she's kind of been doing the second episode a week, like herself trying to like figure out what it's going to look like. And then I,

by the time this airs, I'll be done. So we're taping my last, my last pod tomorrow. And I am going to happy, happy tears, sad tears, combo a whole,

a brackish tears situation. A brackish, bunch. A brackish tears situation. Exactly. A brackish tears situation. Brackish tears. You know what you should do when you leave? You should drop an F. Yeah, drop an F.

Drop a hard F. Just like leave that bomb. Fill their fucking stockings. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I just want to clear out for a second.

I'm speaking directly to ESPN right now and they listen. They listen. Fuck you, bro. Fuck you, bro bro we're talking to you bristol talking to you bristol all y'all fucking most of connecticut can get it right now really anybody fuck you dog if i see you at fucking gelson's bro it's going down in the meat aisle bro also new hampshire could get it what are they what did they ever do what did they ever do? All of New England could catch these hands right now.

I like the lobsters, though. Yeah, okay. Any lobstermen or lobster people? I fucking don't. I don't like the lobsters. Take it up with Sean. Fucking take it up with Sean. I'll be outside by the Dodge Neon waiting.

Take it up with all of Sean while you're at it, bro. I don't know where scallops come from, but that place is cool, too. Wherever scallops come from is totally... You're baked in. South Dakota. They're from Sioux Falls. Everybody knows that's not true. Yeah, there's a field of scallop farms. is cool too. Wherever scallops come from is totally you're baked in. South Dakota. They're from Sioux Falls. Everybody knows that's not true.

There's a field of scallop farms. I don't think you know what scallops are. Are they shitty governors? Anyway, Ashley, let's keep going. Before we move on, Sean, do you know what scallops are? Crunchy? What? I'm thinking of scallions. Scallops are a little like, are they a mollusk i was talking about scallions for a second wasn't it megan v scallion but yeah what do you think scallions are aren't they they aren't they

crunchy are they onions they are onions they're green onions my man is two for two and i named five off there but i named named five Ivy League schools. Fivey League, if you will. That's right. Ivy League. Yeah. That's most of them, so you're fine. Yeah, that's all you need.

You mentioned the five that count. Yeah. Yeah. You got Brown in there. You're good in this house. Ouch. I mean, he missed Penn. He did miss Penn.

Well, he got Penn. I was counting Penn because your hint got him there. Yeah. Kind of. It's in Pennsylvania. What is Three Rivers Stadium? Is that still a stadium? I think that's Pittsburgh.

It is. It's in Pennsylvania. Yeah, yeah. Penn itself is not in Pittsburgh though, right? It's in Philadelphia? No, it's Philly, yeah. Yeah. It's got to be crazy doing something for three years and then coming to a halt.

It's like, you know, school or something. Like when when it stops you're just like oh shit yeah i mean it kind of in like a a bigger picture espn has been my only full-time job as an adult so i've worked there for 13 years and it feels kind of like have you guys seen the movie inside out oh yeah that's a heart that's a jerker so you know how they have um it's a jerker so you know how they have um it's a great movie but you know how they have like that's fantastic islands of like their personality there's like family island and silly island and like hockey island like espn was like one of my islands and so like i that's crumbling to gray dust and you're disintegrating and i have to figure out like what my next island is, which is like scary,

but also exciting. You know, like someone's forcing you to like make a change and it's a big change. So it's like, all right, let's, let's fucking go. Let's do it.

You're in a boat. Yeah. You're going to spike Island next spike. Is that still a channel? I don't think so. I don't know. I'll just go to UFC's fight Island and just see if I can make it an MMA. Fight Island, international waters for sure.

You know exactly where it's at. It was built by the people who built Dubai, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, don't look too deep into the history of either of those islands. Now you went from inside out. Now you're in Moana. Now you're on a boat, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like the line where this guy needs to see it calls me yeah you know exactly they have

stolen the heart from inside you but you know your name yeah yeah i remember who i am we can keep going with this speaking of where we're going next what don't you you you have some you have some if if if early still some plans do you want to tell the people about that yeah sure so i am uh one of the things i'm going to miss the most about um doing sports well aside from being able to talk for several hours a week with my best friend is the community that we've we've stumbled into is like this beautiful corner of the internet and i think there's a lot of crossover with people who listen to your podcast and people who listen to our podcast i think so i think we did leech a bunch of your listeners yeah it's just the most good vibes like that

exists and i'm really gonna miss um interacting with those guys and so i i'm gonna try at least you know while i don't have a job to make my own podcast as a way to continue those interactions. So I recorded like a trailer. I'm calling it Dear Ashley. It is a play on Dear Abby. So it's like an advice column, but it's a podcast. So people can write emails or like leave voicemails. And I'm just going to help solve their problems without like any actual like

credentials or qualifications yeah just so i can like keep interacting with them because i'm really gonna miss being a part of that community yeah i think that's one i think that's a wonderful idea thank you i'll give you some problems to try to solve i would love that i would really love that you know what they call dear abby in like UK? They call them agony aunts. Oh. Agony aunts. Yeah. Man, there's so much more serious over there, aren't there? I know.

Agony. But they're also, they have a whimsy to them. I think that. But then I watch some of their comedy and it's always like, they put Bobbies on the lorry. And then they're like running around and I'm like, these guys aren't serious. They do be putting Bobbbies on Lori. Also, before we get too far into this,

I feel like I need to warn you guys. I have an almost four-year-old son who has a track record of crashing podcasts when I record. So there's probably a 50-50 chance he's going to run in and want to say hi. Let him draft. Absolutely. David's got four-year-olds running in all the time. He doesn't you know if that happens absolutely david david's got

four-year-olds running in all the time he doesn't even know who they are they just come and say what's up i know that i'm not the father i'm just kidding that's not how i'm living guys don't i don't know it was all a joke so keep an eye out on ashley's twitter account and and there'll be more information about that and perhaps on sports as well. Maybe they'll be on how to find that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna I mean, I'll mention it tomorrow when we tape our last our last episode, but it should be like wherever you can get

podcasts. Apparently it takes a while to upload to iTunes and stuff. So it's not there yet, but it will be just search dear Ashley and after you get past that Amanda Bynes ask Ashley skit that was very popular, maybe you'll find it later. Yeah. She had a Jewish star necklace on and I remember being like representation.

Nice. She was on all that, right? Wasn't it on all that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's the man. She is. It's a great film.

Yeah. Are we just naming Bynes projects? First Daughter? Was she in First Daughter? No, that was. Wasn't she in a President? No, that was like a Mandy Moore or Katie Holmes. I think each had one. Wasn't Amanda Bynes the President's

daughter? You're talking about First Kid starring Sinbad. Oh. I mix up Amanda. Weird thing about me, I've been mixing up Amanda Bynes and Sinbad since before they were both famous. Yeah. He's talking about Sinbad the Sailor. He's not even talking about Loud Shirt. Get well soon, Sinbad the Comed he's not even talking about loud shirt get well

soon simbad the comedian by the way get well soon man we're pulling for you yeah he listens uh but good to put the energy in the air we love you simbad my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh farfetch what's farfetch it's like kind of a uk hypebeast website that my girlfriend used to get me an off-white passport holder for hanukkah they make passport holders yeah and i've got one from off-white yeah man you guys you guys went big over hanukkah i love it we had a big we had a big hanukkah she she went she nailed presents. She got me the Salah Bimburi New Balance shoes. Those are sick, dude. They're sick.

They're amazing. Got me a Polaroid camera that I'm going to use. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, Polaroid. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm going to bring it up for the holidays. I'm going to use it to expose you, dude, as a rollerblader.

A rollerblader. Rollerblader. Watch those pics on the internet. rollerblader rollerblader I'm not I got video proof of you rollerblading in Glendale dude I can't believe you didn't get murked doing I'm not ashamed dude no he was wearing

bright colored shorts yeah I remember that I think I had a tank top on you had a bucket on I think I was singing uh oh no I was playing uh we are young wicked free yeah feel all right by super grass or super chunk whichever one it's by i was having a time dude yeah no i know what what else oh and a book a candle an inside joke t-shirt that i'll be wearing as soon as i as as soon as you see me

fucking nailed it not as hard as i nailed it oh we both got each other patonk sets too oh what is that i saw the photo and i didn't know what it was patonk it's a butt they got each other but donk sets they got just my doctor miami shots patonk is basically a french version of bocce ball is the easiest way to explain it okay oh you were playing that in palm springs right palm springs yeah yeah yeah bit dunk bit dunk we are we are we we i fuck we hanukkah it up we made matzo ball soup man from scratch we had some of that tom cruise cake we had latkes how do you make a matzo ball from scratch carefully it's really really easy it's really i mean carefully for sure but it's

really you get some matzo meal you take four eggs and you just whip the fuck out of the four eggs you gotta get a fork in there and you're gonna whip the fuck out of you to start going in there you just fucking whip them up you're fucking hard you can't you gotta get a lot of air in there you just fucking whip them up you're fucking hard you can't you gotta get a lot of air in there you whip the fuck out of the eggs and then it's about a cup of a full cup of matzo meal quarter cup of or two tablespoons of vegetable oil he has 30 jewish chefs in his house right now and he's just looking over like how how right look and then uh i use my little secret is a quarter cup of uh top of chico of sparkling water oh you get that get it activated with yeah and then they come out extra fluffy i get busy yeah and then you take that and you whip the fuck out of it just like a little less hard but still you whip the fuck out of it you know i actually make my eggs that way because of that bit you

guys did like i think every time i make scrambled eggs i like really whip that way because of that bit you guys did. Like, I think every time I make scrambled eggs, I like really whip it. You gotta whip the fuck out of it. Yeah, you get the air in there. They're so fluffy and delicious. They're so good. I think that's the first time we've whipped the fuck out of it in years. Yeah, it's been a while. It's been a hard minute.

I'm glad it's back. Me too. It's back in a big way. Now we're going to get into every episode. Wait, you're Jewish? That's right. 100% bar mitzvah and everything. Yeah. I'm glad it's back. Me too. It's back in a big way. Now we're going to get into every episode. Wait, you're, wait, you're Jewish? That's right. A hundred percent. Bar Mitzvah and everything.

Oh, crazy. Neva. Neva. What else? It's very funny when I, and please don't stop doing this. Shout out to David. Shout out to David. It's like that episode of The Simpsons where they just do everyone's catchphrase.

Anytime I met, when I put the matzo ball soup on instagram like a thousand wait you're jewish a thousand messages don't stop doing it i really like it respond to each one be like yeah i am and you better wash your ass i'll tell you what oh he's doing it he did it i didn't think he was gonna do it i didn't think it glad he did though it's I didn't think he... I'm glad he did, though. It's that kind of podcast. It's that kind of podcast. If there's an AFE drinking game, everyone who's listening right now is wasted.

They're hammered. They're hammered. This comes out the Thursday before when holiday breaks traditionally start, so perfect timing. You know what? I'll tell you real quick. I'm going to just take a minute.

This is fantastic. Everybody's so cool. I'm thrilled to be hanging out with everybody. Just all of you. This is awesome. We're just spreading the love, spreading the good minute. This is fantastic. Everybody's so cool. I'm thrilled to be hanging out with everybody. Just all of you. This is awesome. We're just spreading the love, spreading the good vibes. This is great. Life is good.

Everybody try to be happy. Smile, put good energy out into the world. And I'm thrilled I get to be a part of this. So there's that. Amen. That is also kind of a catchphrase. Yeah, talk. Shot, shot, shot, shot.

It had to be a square somewhere on there. He's crying to the pee popper. I've done that before. It looked way different. Yeah, shout out to sassies. Crying to the pee poppers. Oh, you goofy. Now, we are gathered here today not only to cry into the peep hopper but also

to fantasy draft signs that you're getting older a a perfect a perfect topic for us all of us getting older a day by day incrementally uh i'm 20 i'm like 26 so yeah i don't really relate to any of you but like so you're 26 and i'm 24. Yeah, you're 24. We're pretty young. I'm 29. I can handle that. No, you're staring down the barrel of my thirties. Ashley, I believe you're 17. No, I'm 35.

I seen some shit. I'm proud of my age. We're just telling the truth. I'm 33. Yeah, I'm 36. I'm 39. No. You barely said it.

It's not fun to say david it is fun it is fun to say you're a youthful 39 i see you kick flipping yeah because of the skate park parker coming up to you and being like you're not like my dad i remember i listened to last week's episode not like my dad yeah you haven't screamed once since we've been here yeah i'm mostly in a good mood, kid. Now, the way we determine the order... Mostly in a good mood. Always in a good mood. There it is, baby. The way we determine the order to this draft is through a rollicky game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh! Ashley wins! I knew you were both going to throw rock. Ash takes it home batting a thousand now ashley as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to

determine the order of today's draft but before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question it's like uh there's a video game let's stick with the video game theme there was a video game game called Kung Fu on Nintendo back in the day. And on the first level, you start. You're at the bottom. It's like a five-level game. So you're at the very bottom on the right-hand side, and you fight villains all the way from right to left,

and you fight the end villain. You beat the end villain. Then you go up a ladder to the second level of the game. Now you have to fight all the villains. And now I think some pots and snakes and things that are thrown from the ceiling. You fight them. Cooking pots? No, like planting pots.

And you fight them left to right. So you fight all the villains all the way back to the other side. Once you beat the end villain on that side, you climb up the ladder. So you're over there for a second. Now you're on the third level. You have to fight all the way from the right back to the left, and then you fight the end villain. Hopefully you're still winning, and then you go up to the fourth level, and you fight all the way from the left to the right,

beat the end villain again, and then up the ladder, all the way from the right to the left, beat the villain, and then essentially win the game. And then that Nintendo game is rendered useless because you beat it, hence the problem with Nintendo, but that's neither here nor there. So pretty much like that. It's just kind of back and forth beating bad guys.

Right. Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, Ashley, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I want to cause a little chaos, so I'm going to make the game go first. Yeah, good. And then

Ashley, then David, then Sean. Hot corner. I knew it. I knew it. I felt it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in your hot corner. Nobody asked you to do that, man. No, man. You do people didn't want it.

Nobody wanted it, man. You just did that for yourself, bro. You did that for yourself. David, is it? I do most things for myself. What's your name? David? Can I call you David? What's your name? Dabness?

Dabness? Don't say dab. I see him on video. I don't want to see it. Oh, don't dab. Don't say dab. I see him on video. I don't want to see it. Oh, don't dab. Don't dab. Dab! Duh. Let me put my hat on real quick.

Oh, shit. It looks like a video PETA would release about conditions in poultry farms. That's way worse Do you see the hair going on that one? Yeah I saw that It's like you're dabbing on a speedboat David I blame you for that

My daughter only gets married once Kaboom Did you say kaboom? Just a whack dad She's like dad get out of here My daughter only gets married once. Kaboom. I'm saying kaboom at your wedding next summer, dude.

Mark it down. I now pronounce you a fan and wife. You may kaboom the bride. He just stands up. Well, you better be fucking standing the whole time. You're not going to sit down. I might pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jordan. Come on.

Dude, I'm going to be marrying you guys sitting on a motorcycle, like doing that kind of cool. Another jacket over my shoulder, like wheel turned in a little bit. We should maybe get motorcycles for the wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. David's just salivating, getting hungry and hungry. He's just staring at it like, when do we eat these fucking things?

I came to party. I'm not taking this thing back. Ducati's my Wagyu. I have the first pick and the signs you're getting older draft, and we will get to that pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by policy genius, policy genius. I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance

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Yeah we're back! Welcome back to All Fantasy everything the only podcast that has ever existed and that will remain that way for a short while until Ask Ashley debuts and then there will be two podcasts and at that point you can listen to two podcasts Dear fuck! God damn it! There's already other

podcasts called Ask Ashley there's more than one There's shit There's shit. They damn it. There's already other podcasts called Ask Ashley. There's more than one. They're shit. They're shit. They're bad. If you listen to Ask Ashley, we're going to come to your house and we're going to disrespect you in front of all your loved ones. We're coming to your next COVID safe family gathering and we're going to

call you a soup can in front of your loved ones. Vaseline on your doorknob. Then I'm going to scoop out all the goodies from your deviled eggs. Everyone. I'm not even going to eat it. I'm just going to put that shit in my pocket and walk out. It's so hurtful. You're going to have a bunch of wet, floppy egg whites.

That's all you're going to have. That's what happy Thanksgiving, dicks. Yeah. You better hope a pit viper fits in your mailbox because if it doesn't, it's going in your bed. Yeah. It's the kind of life I'm living. You know my is gonna fit sit up fit on your front porch taking shits i'm gonna bring my dog over and have it shit on your house you want that yeah and then i'm gonna

look at you and you're gonna let a bunch of bats loose in your kids room all right you understand i got a burlap sack full of bats and i'm gonna empty them in your kids room i don't care if the kids in there or not you're gonna open the door good morning sack full of bats and I'm going to empty them in your kids room. I don't care if the kids in there or not. You're going to open the door. Good morning. Bunch of bats right in your face. Like fucking Gotham City in there. Yeah. I'm going to find out how to give a lemur a case of the loose chocolates and get it all

over your kitchen. I'm going to empty out your almond milk and fill it with bleach. Dude, I'm going to tell King Tuff you asked his wife on a date. There's another old bit. I'm going to tongue kiss your mom, like consensual, but I'm going to get in there. Up in it. Three swirls minimum.

I'm going to take a picture of you when you thought you were alone, and I'm going to put it on your porch in a manila envelope. Yeah, like while you're asleep, it's just me at the foot of your bed. Then I'm just going to write, in someone else's blood if i could do this dot dot dot then you know i'm gonna find you i'm gonna track down your baby teeth all right okay how long it takes i'm gonna figure out where they are i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm up i'm gonna. I'm going to reach in while you're in the shower and I'm going to open hand, slap your ass with a handful of Ben gay stuff hurts.

So then your shit will just be hot and then cold. Yeah. Now that can all be avoided. If you download deer, Ashley, none of this has to happen. All of this doesn't have to be a fun little hypothetical. I don't have a choice. I don't have to kiss your mom frankly i don't even want to

yeah no i don't know i don't have to spoil every movie for you yeah i have to go to every movie find out what happens call you up and spoil it from a different burner number that doesn't have to happen i don't want to have to go to bolivia for the first time ever and get a pit viper we're not gonna do that under any circumstances. Chill, bro, man. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Is that a real country? I don't know.

I wouldn't even know. I think it's an East Asian. I thought it was like a Narnia sort of. They talk about it in Scarface. I haven't seen that either. If they talk about it, I haven't seen it. I have no Bolivian connections. Not a one, not a one.

Just got this big green cup. Oblivion, sure. I've played that game, but oblivion sure i've played that game yeah yeah who hasn't time for my first pick and with my first pick in the signs you're getting older fantasy draft i'm going to take any time you see an athlete who was born in the year 2000 yeah and you're just like hey hey fuck you it's happening more and more these days it's like 23 it sucks all of them it hurts me it hurts it feels like directly against me when they say these guys age it's so fucked up how young they're and i always the thing is i always knew this was coming i always knew it was coming i was always aware that like even when i was like 22 i'm like i'm the same age as athletes and then you start getting older and older and older you know and then they start like trailing off and

then all of a sudden they're like on their second contract they're on their third contract i'm like a month older than lebron james yeah now now they're like i can't believe he's still doing it at this age and you're just like oh shit now his son's about to be in the league oh god i know i have no kids his kid has a better credit score than me you know it's like it's crazy yeah no and now i'm so old that like young athletes i just get mad i'm like tyler hero what are you even talking about yeah i'm on his instagram like i just doesn't even make sense i don't know what any of it is i don't know what any of it is i don't understand it i don't like seeing the year i don't see i don't like seeing

a two in front of the year they were born. That hurts me. I can remember things that were happening. I can remember the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympics. You know what I mean? Let alone anything two years after that. Who could forget? Who could forget? Apollo Antonono really lifted the nation's spirits. Man, he was really great.

Came from nothing. I know you guys aren't big hockey fans, but the images of the guys from the NHL draft were so jarring with how young they look at least i feel like with football and hockey uh football and basketball players they look a little bit older these hockey players look like they're 13 years old like go look it up later it's terrible how young they are at least basketball players can be 6 8 and you can be like well if you're six eight you have to at least be 23 yes even if they're 17 like but hockey players they have like peach fuzz it's and they still have like acne and like they're wearing suits that are too big and they look like little children dressing up for like a funeral and you're like wait you're sorry you're

getting you're a professional athlete now it's not patrick mahomes won a super bowl david like you were saying and he still looks like a pro coach like you'd want to like tousle his hair he owns part of a baseball team he owns part of the baseball team it feels like every time they talk about him it feels like directly they're like fuck you david borey i think that's what they are all saying yeah that's what they mean they are saying that that's the subtext of a lot of it that's the vibe don't think that they were the only ones who could get that ben gay slap john i'm cracking cheeks over here nice it's just it's just it's just crazy to me now that like it it and i'm never gonna stop watching sports but it does or start or i will stop listening to sports at some point you know what i mean but no no no no i think you more than ever you should listen like starting in january none of us care for this katie nolan character yeah not for me just want to

just now now that you're here i feel like we can clear the air on that uh find her i find her to be odious that's the word i'm going to use i think she smells good but i think she's mean yeah yeah i feel like you might have those reversed she's the first one to admit like she and I are both are like shower when you absolutely have to like that's just a thing that we have in common

but for real people should listen we're back like in in January is when she's going to come back and she's going to go on this journey of trying to figure out like what's next and like being part of that creation process is going to be so fun to follow along with because she's going to come back. And she's going to go on this journey of trying to figure out what's next. And being part of that creation process is going to be so fun to follow along with because she's so smart and so funny.

So make sure you still listen to Sports Ingenuary. Find her to be malicious and vile. The word conniving comes to mind. She's conniving, absolutely. I can't stand for any of this. Pernicious and methodical. But also pugnacious. Pugnacious, winsome, toothsome.

I find her pejorative. A malcontent. I think she's just a peach. Katie fucking rules. Yeah, man. I feel you on the athletes. Absolutely, yeah. And listen to sports.

The journey continues. Especially January, yeah. Yeah, but sports. Athletes are so much younger. I say when they were born in 2000s, that's the most pugnacious example, but just young athletes are boy it makes me feel old ashley time for your first pick uh your first pick on all fantasy everything wow this is such a momentous occasion um i am going to take you are somehow sore just from waking up oh yeah oh yeah so it used to be you know if you did some

some sort of exercise or something athletic or you know even something kind of physical like painting you know you're like oh like my arm kind of hurts now you go to sleep and you wake up and you're like oh my body just hurts and i yeah i don't know why we're like, oh, like my arm kind of hurts. Now you go to sleep and you wake up and you're like, oh, my body just hurts. And I, I don't know why. We're getting DNP sleeps. Yes. It's like, you can't move your neck for a whole day because I don't know, it was just on the pillow wrong.

Like it doesn't make any sense. Sometimes my shoulder just hurts. Yeah, mine too. My left shoulder gets all cattywampus. I like the painting reference. Like if I, let's say I have to like clean the mirror in the bathroom where I'm like making circles, scrubbing a little higher than like my heart with my hand. And then I wake up and I'm like, was I fucking, was I throwing javelin all day yesterday?

I don't know why my shoulder feels like juggernaut ran into it or something. It's gnarly. And you're just, you're just cashed. I don't know why my shoulder feels like juggernaut ran into it or something. It's gnarly. And you're just, you're just cashed. Yeah. The most embarrassing example of that for me was one day I was so sore and like my shoulders and my neck and I couldn't figure out why. And then I realized it was because I was, I was doing a puzzle. So I was like, oh, I'm sure from a puzzle.

That's all. I know. I know. Try to identify with a younger person. You're like, I was using my all. I know. I know for sure. I try to identify with a younger person. You're like, I was using my puzzle muscles all night. I'm passionate about it today. I was really focused. You know, I was hunched for a while.

I don't know. Did you do like 20 pull-ups or something like that? No. No, no. Oh, you do CrossFit? Yeah. No, I just, thousand words. Yeah.

Thousand words. Thousand piece. Thousand piece. Just thinking. Been overthinking for a while. No, I helped bring into bring into clear complexion a a new england barn in the 1800s yeah yeah did you raise that barn no no no no no no it wasn't even real it's much better now that i've like stuck to this diet like now i don't eat like

three hours before bed and like i'm i've lost a bunch of weight and it's much better now but when earlier i would get out of bed and i would have to get warmed up like an old sports car like a lawnmower that your dad gave you yeah you got a pull start yeah now now it may be a little finicky atop but like it'll it'll get going eventually yeah it'll get going it'll get going we'll get where we're going you really gotta prime it i would walk like a penguin for the first like 15 minutes of my day he had a top hat on i used to live there and i know oswald cobblepot yeah yep that is that is real yeah that's real real one of the when if you really get into it's one of the less funny where you're like oh no it's real though it is real yeah that's how it goes i'm feeling

israelian you know to quote a to quote a scholar sore from just waking up yeah that fucking hit what i recommend is getting like much like get like really abusing your body and then getting slightly healthier in your mid thirties. And then even though you're still sore, you're, it feels like a big improvement. It feels like, Oh yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Really let it fall apart and then put it back together a little bit. That's the long game. That's the long game. 20 year olds listening. Yeah.

Think about it. Yeah. Start ordering those drinks. Double. All right. Start now. Go ahead and eat that pizza at 1 a.m. Yeah.

It's only going to work out. Put a lot of ranch and a lot of sriracha on it because there's not enough sugar in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not even close. No, you shouldn't drink water. Just drink Pepsi. Just drink Bang. Pepsi has water in it.

Just drink Bang. Yeah. Then your shit's going to turn lime green or whatever's going to happen to me later. Could be good. Let's not rule out good side effects, dude. I think it's going to be bad. All right. All right.

Speaking of bad, David, it's time for your first pick. Yeah. Hey. My first pick, the first sign I knew I was getting old, I started calling in sick to partying the way I would call in sick to work. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? Where you're just're just like you just are like i don't got it and then you're thinking about it for like an hour or two like i should probably just do it no i'm gonna i'm gonna fuck them i don't have to do this fuck them i'm living my life and then you're like hoping people believe you and it's it's never good

excuses it's just like hey man I can't find my other shoes. So I'm just gonna, you know what? I'm just gonna stay in. I had a late lunch. Yeah. And then, and usually it is shit like that where it's like, I will give up on going out so much easier now. Like if it takes me 15 minutes to find my keys, I'm probably not leaving.

I got to start the getting ready to go out process at like six. I got to have like my first drink then. Because like if we're going out at like nine, no. Yeah, you're not. Unless you're in an altered state, you're not going to be like, all right, I'm ready to go. Let's go start the night at the Roost at 930 tonight. The jumbo jet needs a long runway, you know? Yeah. roost at 9 30 tonight the jumbo jet needs a long runway you know yeah and i even want to go out less as much as i'm like can't we just like go to somebody's house man out out i gotta put on cool

shirts i don't even know how to do that anymore i got six shirts what do you want for me i gotta use one of my going out shirts i got some shit to do this month yeah what if i have an audition i mean i'm going to a christening because i'm that age now but mostly just the prep of like calling in sick to partying like it's like it becomes like it's like priority now you know i get nervous i think people are going to be like furious with me if i don't show up and then you realize like nah they're over it pretty quick no think about when you kind of don't want to do something and then you get that text where the other person cancels you're like yes that's the best feeling that's the best suck it into my veins that shit is amazing like oh i was gonna cancel anyway yeah and now it's not my fault you ever you ever do those feelers you have plans definitely to go out nobody neither, neither one of you has even mentioned that you might not want to, but you'll text

them and you'll be like, hey, you still feeling it or what? And you're like, well, the plan was, yes, we're both feeling it for sure. But you just hit them up just to let them know, like, listen, if you're not feeling, you know, it's cool with me. Or I'll be like, you still, you trying to go out? Are you trying to stay in and chill and just kick it and go to bed and eat like eat right like name all these good things that could happen at home do you ever get that where it's like you and one other person and then the day of you just don't like you don't hit them right yeah you know what i mean and then you're like well i'm not gonna text

wait each other out if she's not gonna text me i'm not gonna to text him. Wait each other out. If she's not going to text me, I'm not going to text her. There's been times where I'll be radio silent in a group thread because the one person I'm going out with is in that group thread. So if I'm radio silent in the group thread, I can be like, oh, no, I haven't been by my phone. That's like a long, that is a long con. I was pilling the fields all day, so I didn't have my phone on me. Yeah, it's also, I'm never doing anything that interesting. It's never like, it's just like, I just don't want to go out and be out and do.

Now I got to go to the bar. I got to listen to fucking some 21-year-old kid asking what kind of gins they have. Yeah, listen to Mike Malloy yell over the music. Toto's the greatest band ever. He's right, but He's yelling it Yeah so Colin and Sick to Party I love that anytime anyone Cancels plans on me that when I wanted

To cancel it's like the what's this Musical from the Nightmare Before Christmas like starts in my head kind of thing Oh yeah That kind of like magic I'm staying home I'm staying home. I'm staying home. What's this?

Netflix. Controllers in my hand. What's this? What's this? Asleep by 10 o'clock. And then also up at seven. Yeah. Because whatever.

I don't feel bad. Let's not stay in picks. Let's not stay in picks. Excellent excellent pick uh sean time for your first pick and your second pick as it is a serpentine draft uh my first pick is forgetting how old you are i this whole year for a good eight months i thought i was turning 40 and i turned 39 this year so most of the year and that's never happened to me for real like when it's you know when you when you honestly you could have hooked me up to a lie detector earlier in the year and be like how old are you going to be this year and i would have said 40 absolutely meaning it and then i found i was like oh i'm only gonna be 39 and i

was just like oh like i got a year and i you. And I was just like, oh, like I got a year. And I, you hear people for, you know, like I'll ask my mom how old she is. And she's like, um, and she'll take a second. I'm like, what are you? Come on. How old are you? And, but I actually forgot all year how old I was. So my mom does that too.

Yeah. Like I, I think my mom, I'm not sure she knows. That's the way to live life was it was it on this podcast last week maybe when someone said prince doesn't celebrate birthdays anymore i love that i would i would i'm so i'm not anymore not anymore because he's dead yeah prince stopped celebrating birthdays i think prince stopped celebrating birthdays because he didn't want his age to dictate how old he felt oh well or maybe mariah mariah carey does anniversaries or something like that but i think both of them because it's like if you start living your life based on the number in your age like that will that's what ages you well the older you

get the less you need to do that as well like i feel like so often when i was younger i'd be like you know i'm 23 i gotta be doing this this and this and now i'm like i don't know man yeah what am i supposed to be doing you know just be the age you feel you know what i mean and i know that's like some shit people say when they're getting older but like if prince did it yeah we all sound so washed right now that That's what's going to happen. Everyone's going to be like, whoa, they've been lying. It's nothing but a number. It's just a number on a paper, man. I'm great.

I'm great. I'm doing great. That is I'm about to buy a boat talk. No, but I think there is something to that. If you're like, shit, I'm 39, like Sean is, you know what I mean? Like you start letting that dictate rather than how you feel, which is like kickflips at the park, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I straight up, I straight up forgot how old I was. And then it was a big, I was for like a week probably.

I was just like, dog. Hell yeah. Oh, I'm only going to be 39. i haven't started doing that yet i haven't started forgetting how old i am but i do love it yeah i remember one time i was probably 35 and i was going to a bar in portland are you sure somewhere i could have been 28 uh but i feel like we were all together and I didn't have my ID but I was proper old enough and I was walking in and someone's like uh they go oh you know as a as like a uh like a wink they go and

how old are you and I was like 21 and then I had stopped and I go I was like I don't know why I said that I'm 35 and I for the life of me I couldn't tell you why I just said I was 21 but it was just like because you're implying like I'm at least 21 bro yeah yeah how old are you and i was like 21 and i'm like well now you might get kicked out because obviously you're way older than 21 so they're gonna think you're here for some nefarious reason or something so then i had to tell the guy way too much information he's like all right well go ahead man he's like i really didn't care you can just go yeah we bro i know I could see it. Nefarious.

By the way. In other words, I'd used to describe one Katie Nolan. Nefarious. N-O-L-A-N. At best. Nefarious. I was born in 1985.

So when people ask how old I am, I'm always like, wait, what year is it? Okay. And then I can do the math backwards. And that helps me remember. Cause it's a pretty easy,

like add 15 to whatever the year is. Do you do that? We're like, yeah. Do you use the five because i use the i'm 87 so i use the like i like round it to the to the zero to be like no 33 is right you know what i mean yeah it's 2020 i'm 33 that makes sense that makes sense my next one is really fun for me uh and i feel i hope i'm not stepping kyle has a joke about this um and i'm not stepping kyle canane has a joke about this i'm not stepping on it but it is the second sign that i know i'm getting older is siding with the security guard or property owner as a skateboarder where like now that's specific because when i was a kid, we would go skate.

You go skate a business at like noon on a Tuesday during the summertime and you get kicked out and you're like, fuck you pig. And then you're like, or, or now as an adult, I'm like, maybe don't go skate the business at noon where people are at work. And of course you're going to get kicked out.

We used to skate on people's front stairs of their house that they lived in. Oh, my God. Ian, imagine now that you own a home. Imagine that you walked outside and there was like seven kids smoking, swearing, just being kids, skateboarding off your steps. I would be furious. Bro, I'm getting the hoes. Yeah, dude. I would go crazy.

I would go crazy. I think you can imagine how that would go i know exactly how it would go yeah it'd be hilarious and but i just if you would have told me that when i was like 16 it'd be like well then i guess you're a sellout when you're older and i'm like i guess i am but yeah siding with siding with the um the responsible side as a skateboarder is definitely a sign that i'm much older than any security guard is huge as a kid i used to just i would just call them rent-a-cops just because fuck you well like yeah it's like you have to see there it's a business and i it's even i even feel crazy saying it i'm almost shaking but

it's they're right you can't be skating at our business when we're open you can't do that you can't do that that's insane that you think you can yeah now i see what they're talking about that's how i feel with like graffiti like this is i mean i mean people are gonna get mad at me for this but like that's how i feel with like graffiti and vandalism like right like yeah for the most part now you know what i mean like i spent like especially like in portland and a lot of these like big marches and stuff where it's like like they'll fight like break a bunch of windows and like a deli that like somebody owns you know what i mean like or like or like i like i like beautiful graffiti i think that's like art but if like somebody just like spray

paints a cab like across which i agree with but like spray paints it like across like somebody's like mom and garage door and you're like it's just like it's this weird thing like i there's never any room for nuance in this shit but this is a nuanced thing where i'm like yeah no yeah i agree yeah no i totally but like there's starbucks somewhere nearby like i totally i totally totally totally no no no i'm totally with you i'm totally with you i'm totally with you but like how did it had to be this greeting card shop that like this old lady like no but i'm with you i'm with you like it's like i like it when kids do it i don't like it when adults do it i saw i saw a grown man tagging at the 7-eleven the other day and i got so it was like this like it when adults do it i saw i saw a grown man tagging at the 7-eleven the other day

and i got so it was like this like it was like a 35 year old white dude and i was walking up and he was like standing all weird and then he ran over ran over and in like a tag like a kid's like paint pen like weird oh doyle rules or some bullshit, and then walked off and was like, bro, what is your life? Why are you doing this? It was a grown fucking man. I was like, you're dumb. You're a ding dong. What's next after that?

Do you just see it every time you drive by and you're like, yeah. Yeah, you got in your car. Are you going to go pick up your kids and tell them what you did today? Like, you goof. You fucking goofball yeah yeah siding with authority as a skateboarder that that's great i thought i'd say it david time for your second pick my second pick is moving the goal posts on what is old because like i remember when i turned 20 sitting down and really being like dude i don't see how this is gonna last another 10 years what the 30 what am i gonna do at 30 i'm gonna be so nobody's gonna want to hang out with me what am i gonna go to bars when i'm 30 and just

be that old guy at the bar and now at 33 i, I'm like, yeah, 40 is still young. Yeah, yeah. 40 is still, 40 is all right. That's what gets me through. I remember when I graduated high school, driving around after graduation being like, dude, it's all over. What's going to happen now? And that's what gets me through the later in life things

when I'm like, if something ends, if a job ends, or if you have to move or something, where I'm like, it'll be all right it's all gonna it's all gonna be fine it will work out as long as you don't just say fuck it and you know you have to try but like things they work out you get older it's fine but it is scary also most of life is not being young yeah no yeah yeah you know what i'm saying like ideally you're mostly older yeah yeah yeah that's the that's the majority of man david you're doing it right yeah you're older for more of the time yeah your manifesto right there no i i really do think about that a lot because especially specifically with age because when i was so much young like i felt like in my 20s i was constantly

comparing about like i think because i was maybe embarrassed because I was such an arrested development. I was also, I like, cause you know, doing standup or whatever. I was like 26. Like, well, I live on a couch and my best friend just bought a house and has a daughter. I'm like an idiot. You know what I mean? And now I'm like 33 and I'm like, oh yeah, I just, I don't know. It just took a while. I'm not that old i'm okay you know i'm just like i don't know the goal the goal the goalposts definitely keep getting like now i'm like in my head i'm like okay well when i'm like 55 i'll be like yeah i'm old but before that till then you know this is why it helps having like friend like like having like bronger and canane is like

friends and everything who are like a little bit older than us, but like, Oh no, they're still cool. They're still like doing cool shit. You know what I mean? I know they probably, that's huge. It's so important to have friends who are like, like Sean, like to have friends who are like a little bit older.

I almost turned 40 this year. It was a close call. It's like having kids too. Like if I kind of thought I was worried when I was pregnant, that like when I became a parent, my life would like be over and like all i would be was someone's mom and that was it and then when you see other people who are parents who are like oh no they're so cool they still have a life i really like

them and like what they're doing it makes you feel so much better about it yeah absolutely man that's awesome yeah because when you're younger the only people who are older are like your parents you know and they're friends i mean yeah they seem old for some and they're not supposed to be cool to you you're not supposed to think that oh dad fucking rules you know you know so what is being cool it's lame it's stupid to be cool people waste their time you're young and you're cool oh great what do you know how to do idiot yeah oh you have cool taste in music shut up that's that's like investing all your money in like fucking donuts they're gonna go bad eventually they're gonna rot you know what i mean put them in gold bullion that's another time you're getting older but not

like and also then when you get older you find out your parents were cool like the whole time you know and you were just their kid and they and they and you got in trouble sometimes but then you're like oh wait my parents were fucking cool. Yeah, kids aren't cool. Why would they be? They don't know anything. You know what I mean? You're 21. What the fuck?

That's not cool. That's dumb. No interest. I have no interest in anything anyone 21 has to say, unless the Blades just drafted them. God, we are so lost. We're just. Yeah, 30 is the real cool.

Ashley, do you want't be a second pick. Okay, I'm going to take random involuntary noises. Yeah. Mostly when you're standing up or sitting down. Yeah. Or like sometimes when you take a sip of something and then you do the like, ah. Like, just why?

Mine is the deep breath at the top of the stairs i make a noise like someone just charlie horsed me every time i land a trick when i'm skating i always go like like that every time i land something i say oi a lot yeah yeah i think i got the a from you a little bit like um like the oi thing just like i'll stand up like like that oh happy to share happy to share it yeah yeah yeah yeah it is real i try to not do it when i know other people can hear because i'm like dude you're you're airing your shit out right here don't don't you know don't let ivan drago see that you broke a rib kind of thing i'm like i can't i can't let them know but it like comes from deep within you somewhere that like a vault that was unlocked when you turned 30 and it's just like here these are part

of your life now yeah i don't even care if people hear i'll toss in a little oh when i'm like when i do that fake little jog there's like a wolf exhale i do sometimes it's like a wolf exhale I do sometimes. It's like, like I just made it through that door opening, which was hard for some reason. I don't know. Yeah. I make noises when I wake up right now.

You know what I mean? Like I'll wake up and be like, yeah, okay. What am I doing? Let's go again. up and be like, yeah, okay. What am I doing? Another one. Let's go again. Yeah, now when I wake up,

it sounds like I just got through a long lecture, like a foreign movie, art house film. Yep, that is absolutely fantastic fantastic that's a great pick yeah time for my second and third picks oh it was tough going for okay um oh i think okay here's one it's kind of a corollary to something we talked about earlier, but it's the Soar from Waking. It's really, really enjoying the morning. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Oh, my gosh. It's so pretty. It's so pretty in the morning. That, for me, has been a quarantine thing. Now, I love the morning. I got up at like 6.30 the other day just to do it. I love it. I love the early morning.

I love how still everything is. I love how fresh everything feels, that early morning light, how crisp the air is, especially in LA when, I mean, right now the air is crisp like most of the day, but like even in July,

if you wake up early, you get like a little bit of crispness in the air. It's a little chilly. It's a little chilly in LA. Yeah, definitely. I just love it. I love going for like an early morning walk oh god dude walking it's that's like that shit's been my jam lately oh it feels so

like just and like you're in the park at like 7 30 and you see like now i'm in denver but in the and when i'm back home i got like my park guys in the morning. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like the walking in the park in the morning crew. You know what I mean? You're like, oh, yeah. They got the one big buff guy who's always like, I see you, big man, working on it. Just like I love it. I recently have been like, now that I'm in Denver, I'm like worried that my park crew is worried that I'm not walking. I'm like, I hope they don't think I'm just like.

That buff guy's out there be like, hey, big man ain't working on it anymore. He's so buff and he runs so slow. Did you see that? There's this guy, I forget his name on Instagram, but he's like 325 pound bodybuilder. Tried to drop in on a vert ramp yesterday. I saw it on Instagram. No no i didn't see that but it was you got to respect game on that one where you're just like dog because he can skate he can like ollie and he can skate tried to drop in on a vert ramp with tony hawk pretty i didn't feel it when he fell though it looked like he felt it he

yeah you got it someone someone tag it it dude it is anyway big tree fall hard back when traveling was a thing that used to be one of my favorite things to do in a new city was like wake up early and like just watch the city wake up just like walk around and like see stores open and like it was really i did that i think san francisco was probably my favorite place china town was getting up really early and it was just awesome. San Francisco in the morning. By the way, I'm making all these sounds that you were talking about during this conversation.

San Francisco in the morning. Yeah, it's nice. I saw it happen in Paris once. I don't mean to flex, but it was beautiful. Because my sleep was all fucked up because jet lag and it was like i was up at weird hours and it's all like the sunrise in paris and like all that oh it was amazing and like the city come alive yeah and then like there goes the baker with his bread like always

you know like that kind of vibe dude it is such and i just love the early mornings i love getting stuff done in the early morning i love having my step count at like 6 000 by love the early mornings. I love getting stuff done in the early morning. I love having my step count at like 6,000 by like the early morning already. And like, dude, I'm making a tea and just like, ah, I love it. I love eating lunch having already had a day. Yeah, that's a good feeling. Like for so long, lunch would be like the first thing I did in the day. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And now it's like, hey, dude, I threw a bunch of shit. I made some calls and it used to be the only other time i was up at six when there was a flight or i hadn't gone to bed yet it's so it's so nice yeah it's easier to relax in the afternoon when you feel like you've like achieved some stuff in the morning totally you don't feel bad for sitting down and taking an hour just doing nothing when you've done some shit already yeah your self-esteem is better Even these have gone earlier and earlier. I love it. Three, four years ago we were like,

okay, so Sunday at three, we'll do it. We'll do it at three. Cause we're going to go out on Saturday. Yeah. Sunday at three, maybe four.

You know what I mean? And now it's like, now it's like, we'd run in at four and be like, sorry, Marissa. Sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry. Yeah. And now it's like, what do you guys want to do 10 10 10 yeah yeah i love it all right this one is so time for my third pick and it's not knowing who famous people are yeah dude yeah right in there 100 yeah 100 i had to fake that i knew about zendaya for a while before I was like alright I'm gonna look her up I'm gonna see what's going on I remember they were like what movie was it I don't know she broke out in a movie and they were posters The Greatest Showman? Yeah maybe

there were posters all over LA and I was like Zendaya alright and I know that was that Zendaya's Mechie probably that Littlefoot or Bigfoot or whatever it was whatever it was I had to act like I knew about it for a while before i was like all right look it up you got someone's gonna call you on your bullshit pretty quick yeah she's proper famous now but like there's like proper famous people who you don't even know because like there'll be people who are just like on euphoria and are famous and people talk about i'm like i didn't happen to watch euphoria i don't know who

this person is no i and and like the way the internet works now is like i'm not even tapped in into the way to hear about that not even not even the people not even the medium like yeah like famous tiktok people or whatever or you it's not laid out for you like it would be it's there's so many different avenues where you have to be like we're just not old enough yeah or we're not young enough yeah It's the worst for me on like musical awards shows. And you're like, oh, this person's the artist of the year. And I have never heard these words put together ever. Like, who is this? Yeah.

I miss the entire rise of Billie Eilish. Man, what a rise, though. And then I went to, yeah. And then I went to her Instagram one time. And I was like, she has like 50 million followers. Yeah. Yeah. That's always the shocking thing. Oh, Instagram is what tells you.

Twitter won't always tell you. Although she's proper famous on Twitter now too, though. Yeah, you go there and it's like weird people will have millions and millions of followers. It helps being on the Late Late Show a little bit, but every now and then it'll be like, Young Bleed featuring her. And I'm like, what? And then people are like, I love Young Bleed.

And you're like, wait a second. Hold on now, hold on. And then you find out who they are and you feel a little less old, but it's like, when you first see those booking emails, I'm like, who the fuck are these musical acts? What is this? Yeah.

Yeah. Lacks with a six. That guy that guy's huge yeah it's massive it's it just it just really makes you feel decentralized yeah yeah absolutely i'm like but we can get bowling for soup back on though i know who they are you guys ever heard of propaganda they will come on tomorrow they aren't doing shit i guarantee it my cousin knows chingy so you guys are trying to like you know i got an i got an in dude the first uh the first comedy contest i was ever in i won no big deal but one of the prizes was a room at the hampton inn and i'll tell you it was right when the chingy song came out and we could not stop singing it'd be like

what you doing nothing chilling at the Hampton Inn just it was a real good social bit amongst us yeah it was the holiday it was Chingy and who Snoop Dogg Snoop Chris yeah there you go also shout out to the Hampton Inn 100% money back guarantee

use that use that on tour many times. Like, yo, your boy's been out. I won a free night. We went there, just got hammered, and then checked out at like 11. We just needed somewhere to go do it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I won my first comedy contest ever as well, and Sean Jordan was in it. That was a fun one. I did not win. I also won my second one ever. Sean Jordan was in that one That was a fun one. I did not win. I also won my second one ever. Sean Jordan was in that one too. I was in that one too. I've never won a comedy competition. I've never been in one.

I'm two for two. Thank you. We're cool. We're still cool. 33-35 is young. That's right. We got time. Shout out David.

Shout out Ashley. Two for two. And then I spent all that first check on purple alien you did right that night that was the night the brotherhood was was sealed my friend that was i knew not to get too sappy but i knew pretty much right away but after we went through that whole contest and we had that night i was like this is my dude like this is uh this is a friendship that will be for the rest of my life and nothing can change that and that was only knowing you a month probably yeah so anyway it can happen it can happen kids stay out there look for a friend

do comedy contests stay out there look for a friend ashley come for your third i feel the exact same way my friend i love you time for your third pick ashley this is a little bit similar to the security guard one but specifically with movies you relate to different characters than you did when you were younger oh yeah i've been like going through the disney vault with my son now and i'm watching finding nemo and i'm like okay nemo pump the brakes a little bit like marlin lost his entire family and his wife and you're all he has left in the world. Like, why are you going up to touch that boat? You do have a gimpy fin. Like, you just kind of have to get over it and be a little cautious.

It's bad. Yeah. A hundred percent. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm sitting there with Mufasa like, Simba, stay the fuck home. What are you doing? Don't go looking out for you, bro.

You're going to be king. Just chill. Chill and enjoy your cake. Just wait to be king. So many places you can go. Yeah.'re going to be king just chill chill and enjoy your cake to be king so many places you can go yeah just wait to be king that's the song zazu's right bro sorry yeah dude does he do you think he realizes every time he sings that song he's saying like i just can't wait for my dad to die yeah damn like no i think he spent a lot of money in lion therapy untangling that i didn't realize that until just now. Thank you.

I don't know what you think as a therapist on the Serengeti. I think those antelope, like what is it, Okobi, the ones that are like multicolored. Oh, okay. Oh, the ones that are like half zebra, half giraffe. Yeah, those things are dope. I mean, Rafiki kind of plays the role a little bit. A little bit. He's doing like scream therapy. Yeah he's doing that like i paid 200 for this there yeah i feel

like he's micro dosing he's like no you just take the mushrooms yeah that was his potion that was what he was on yeah just telling him to look closer no i see your father well it's actually a reflection of me look closer give me the drugs and i will i'll look just like you're looking no i feel you completely identifying with with uh different characters is so true corollary to that but we were like i was talking about my best i was talking about this topic with dana and we were talking about how in my best friend's wedding they make an agreement that like if we're both single when we're 28 we'll get married that shit blows my mind crazy that's insane how old are they when they made that agreement 19 that's the only way that made sense yeah well then then you get into this whole and it has nothing to do with this but this insane

pressure that there is on women that they should be married or something. It's bananas to me that you would feel the pressure to do something. If even if it didn't feel natural, like, uh, especially like in the Midwest, you see people, they're just like, well, no, I gotta, I gotta get married. It has to happen. I mean, I'm, I'm already, I'm damn near 30, and you're like, bro, you don't have to. I mean, you can show up to Christmas and be like, hey, I'm 45, here's my boyfriend. It doesn't, you know, there's no issue with that.

I just, yeah, it just reminded me of that. Thanks, Sean. Thanks for speaking up for women everywhere. He's woke, Sean. I do what I can, you know. He's woke, Sean. I'm out here. Excellent pick.

David, time for your third pick. This is weirdly specific to me uh you could give me like five thousand dollars and send me to the mall i could not pick out a cool outfit for a rapper because i'm just fucking washed i often i used to be like up on it and be like oh this guy's cool this guy styles trash i don't know what anybody's doing i don't get it i saw usher the other day i was like i on it and be like, oh, this guy's cool. This guy's style is trash. I don't know what anybody's doing. I don't get it. I saw Usher the other day. I was like, I don't.

You look like a space alien to me. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what cool clothes are at all, really. You could pick out a nice outfit for yourself. Yeah. But even my, even, even my tastes are like, now I'm old. I'm like, oh man, it'd be cool to have a suede jacket.

Just like a nice, just like a nice brown jacket. I could really make some moves with that. I still like sneakers, but even my taste in sneakers is like, old guy. You know what I mean? I see people tweet pictures of sneakers with the fire emoji, and I'm like, is that? Do we like those? Is that fire? I would not have given it

three water droplets not me i it's been one thing that has kind of sheltered me from that as being a skateboarder my whole life but now skateboarding there it's finally hit where i'm like well they look ridiculous because they now like huge pants are back in style and i'm like come on what am i gonna do i'm gonna wear those and it's that's what the kids are doing and you're just like like jinko huge all right like yeah like jinko well they're like pipes not not jinko huge not like um not like slipknot big but like pipes like you know cute big ass yeah they'll get like carpenter pants huge pipes and then cut them off at the bottom so they're like high waters kind of oh yeah yeah which is what the style was like in the early 90s it's like come full circle just like everything else get

your own shit yeah well it all comes back you know but yeah i just can't i just don't know i see rap i don't know who's cool i don't know who's not i don't really i know i've seen tyler the creator one time ian and i and he had baggy pants on. I was like, are they cool? And Ian's like, well, he's wearing them and he's cool. So they must be. I will say Tyler is one of the few guys, though, where I'm like, yeah, that guy's pretty dapper. I think Tyler dresses pretty nice. He dresses great. Yeah.

But the Migos, I don't even. I don't get what that is. I don't know any of the brands. I don't know. I don't think they do. I don't think they do dress cool i think tyler does i don't think migos it's just like they dress expensive you know but i don't think it seems like a lot where it's just like they always look good we sound

so washed i don't know i don't know if this is a wash thing i will i will say that like i i don't think necessarily wearing the most insane shit that like margella or gucci puts out necessarily makes you look good because i know i know older people who wear it sometimes too and i'm like you look ridiculous yeah i think it's kind of i think it's kind of cheesy yeah like i like if it's just because it's expensive that means they could sell you anything yeah right yeah exactly how old are you you got a snake on your t-shirt so do little kids i don't know i don't i don't know i don't know what's cool and that's okay with me i do want a brown suede jacket that that's different that would look good that's

i think that would look good you can wear suede in a class with like a nice sweater maybe this does sound washed but like it's washed it's washed as fuck i don't know but like that's how but that's also how tim but that's also how timothy chalamet dresses he would wear a nice suede jacket yeah you know what i mean like that's fair there's just different kind of styles and like there is definitely things you can get away with when you're younger that you can't when you're older but are they getting away with it i just want like a nice blue button down you know i'll wear some cool sneakers but you know oh i like a brown brown brown levi's like i just so watch bro i'm 100 years old i love it though but yeah cool clothes i could not pick out cool clothes for rappers or anybody yeah absolutely sean time for your third and your fourth picks uh my third pick is i have really hard opinions

on yards now oh dude that goes hand in hand with like the morning walks and just kind of working on your own yard uh now i'll walk past like if someone's got a dope yard i'll stop and i'll be like damn that had to be tough and i'll just look at details and things when before i could have never ever given less of a shit about someone's yard it could have been dirt it could have been knee-high grass or it could have been perfect and i would have been like well whatever it's who gives a shit all the pictures in my phone are either my blood pressure or someone's yard that i want to take as inspiration all and then occasionally dana like it's it's that's like that's like all it is blood pressure nice score by the way clean score 116 over 71 your boy's out here taking care of

himself or like i'll walk by on the other end i'll walk by and i'll be like just casually i'll probably to no one most of the time because i go on a lot of walks by myself but somebody if they could you know if they could do some yard work i'll just come i'll be like come on what do you know what are you doing and just say it to no one to myself like yeah i mean oh the fucking lawn you know it ain't hard i'll care care about it yeah i'll do i'll do it for you just put a mower out i don't care i like mowing the lawn makes the whole neighborhood look bad not just you you know yeah my house is in like i'll talk about it more later but like it's in it's in a neighborhood with all old people like all my neighbors are like older and it's great because everyone does their yard except for one house on the court

one house in ours too i drive by like shake my fist at it yeah yeah i'm the opposite some instagram girls just moved in across the street from my house in in california and it's terrible they got young kids pulling up in foreign cars they're loud some instagram oh god that's a hate it that's a washed ass thing if i've ever that's hilarious they sound like influencers it's really terrible we gotta get you over to atwater david yeah yeah i gotta get you in the neighborhood was so quiet before these instagram girls moved in there it is it's like a house full of them when i was 23 i'd be like oh tight now i'm like i don't know man you're looking at me crazy because i'm not wearing off-whites?

I'm going to the store. You know, these are my store shoes. Yeah, they're Reeboks, but I keep them clean. Yeah, Bach boys. Bach boys. Bach boys. Bach choice. Bach choice.

Good, healthy alternative. Shout out to Brendan Dunn. Yeah, Sean, your turn, bro. Number four, hangovers are real now. Ooh. That's the truth. They are. I remember, you know, when younger, where it's like people talking about it, and I'm

sure we all did, but I was like, oh, I don't even get hungover. And now I realize that was just because you're young. When you're old, you're just like, I remember the first couple real ones I had when I i was old i was scared i was like is this is this what it's supposed to feel like and then people tell you they're like this is what am i dying because you're like lightheaded and this and i'm like this can't be i guess i gotta have a brain tumor or something you're like no you just had like 15 jaeger bombs last night this is what it does to a body that isn't 22 so yeah poison just it's also the duration is so much longer like even when i started getting hangovers it would be like by lunch like you get a greasy breakfast you drink a bunch of gatorades and then by lunch you're back at it now if i drink

too much like the entire next day oh yeah sometimes a day and a half yeah yeah i'll throw two three on there this last trip back from LA took me. Well, you stack up your hangover. You never have the first hangover. So you have like. Yeah, there was like four just waiting to go. But yeah, that was. And yeah, they are nothing crazy to say about it.

They're just, they are real and they are different. It's like, it's almost like they're not. You shouldn't even be able to use the word before you're 30. And then when you're 30, you'd be like. No. I used to think they were for cowards yeah yeah like you're weak be like oh you get hung over like yeah fucking nerd i thought i was i just thought i was different i'm like i'm just not i'm built different built different sorry sorry to you i guess what what yeah no i'm gonna drink till 4 a.m go to sleep wake up at 6 and go work

black friday at target oh my gosh there were nights we didn't go to sleep and we'd go work at our uh at hsbc our call center job without going to sleep now if you were to challenge me to do that today even without drinking we're just like stay up all night reading the bible or something and then go to work the next day i couldn't do it but we would you the last time you were here you said you got so hungover you couldn't skateboard no yeah we that's great think about that dude it only takes like honestly two because the physical motivation is gone like that that's one of the biggest bummers is like yeah walking go even going to the store i'm like nah i'll just eat these crackers instead of getting a pizza because

they're here. So yeah, no, they are real when you get older. That's so, yeah, that's such a good pick. I'm hoping not to feel a hangover of that magnitude until the day after your wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Oh yeah, it's going to be, I'm bringing Pedialyte. I'm training for it.

Yeah, I'm bringing Pedialyte. I'm like, I'm hoping to be like way, I'm hoping to be like way down in weight, great shape, body just primed. This is all just for your wedding, by the way, this whole health regime. It's a good friend. You're a good friend, Ian. David, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick, I'm getting it late, but this one is just you can't deny it. I don't even have a bunch of them, but they pop up in my beard a lot.

It's white hairs. Oh, boy. Yeah, just where you're Oh, boy. Yeah. Just where you're like, you can't. There's no. There's no. You can't. You can't.

You're just like, yeah, that's that's what that is. I look at pictures from 10 years ago or whatever. My beard. I'm like, it looks like I was dying my beard because I'm so used to it being the way that it is. I look back. I'm like, this punk looks like he's dying his shit. We're like, no, you're just you're like no you're just young no you're just younger it's just like that just

is like it comes with the tear i remember the first one i got because i don't even have many i just have like a very few but i remember the first one like two years ago at 31 and kind of just being like what the fuck i think everyone remembers their first yeah it's like a it's a life-changing moment yeah it was just like is that oh my god yeah run to the bathroom you're like pulling through your hair yeah i started getting them in high school i'm lucky like i had like white hairs in my in my hair was always yeah it's always different because like when you have dark hair they stand out more and when you have big hair they're much easier to find yeah and i don't know if they just had no color in them but like every night i would like pull out and be like

holy shit like uh so i started getting them so early in a way that is like kind of lucky for me because now i don't associate it with like i'm sure if i'm ever like all the way white i'll feel like really old but like now it's like a little salt and pepper i'm like that's fine you're used to it yeah yeah you're used to it i am not it's still it's like definitely definitely in there see yeah you got it i don't right like yeah it really that was one of those ones where you're like well no this is just how your life is now yeah like i said i don't even have a lot like you can't even tell if you hang out with me that I got them, but. Alright, David, God. I'm just, because I'm

only 26, so it's like, I don't have a lot. Like, I relate. You're a young bleed. Yeah, I love Billie Eilish. She is great. She is great. The white hairs and the facial hair hit kind of different too yeah that's

i don't that's where i have it mostly is it's just like what this i got this to make me look older now it's making me look old what the fuck bro that's the whole reason i even did this was so i could get into the 18 and up club easier sean do you have any in the salad or they all like located in the facial hair for the yeah i do you can't uh okay yeah he's talking about that's the stew down there. Oh, man. I have two gray chest hairs. Nothing gray downstairs yet. And then I got a lot of gray in the salad. I'm really glad Ashley.

I love it. You got her. I love it. You got her. Oh, man. I was like, should I go for this? That's what I was like. I couldn't believe my ass.

It's so casual. Oh, man. We're friends, man. We hit it off. It's 30 notes. You guys need to be a few. Oh, man. We're friends, man. We hit it off.

It's 30 notes. You guys need to be a few. Oh, that's funny. Love it. Ashley, time for your fourth pick. All right. I'm going to stick with the hair theme, but I'm going to go hair in weird places.

Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Like, I personally found one on my chin, like i personally found one on my chin like a long black hair on my chin and i freaked out and i know with men a lot of times there's like the ear hair but there's also like the outer ear hair yes like it'll spring up on and you're just like where did this come from i shave i take the shaver is my. Right here on the lobes. I didn't know that was a thing either. Here's nose. I didn't either until recently. For sure. And like lower neck, upper back.

There's like a patch that I get now. Yes. That's exactly. Yeah. And like. This is another area where this has been since I had hair. In other parts of my body. I don't have weird nose hair and I don't have weird ear hair.

Not yet. Not yet. Maybe someday, but just like, you know, from the chest. From tail to trotter. You don't have to keep showing us.

I'll show you everywhere. But Ian doesn't have any pubic hair. It's a weird thing. It's all like nothing. No salad. No side salad. Thank you. No side salad. I you. No side salad.

I know it comes with my meal, but I won't eat it. Yeah, I get it. They're in weird places, though. Totally. I wonder why that happens. I wonder what biological service that provides. Yeah, well, what makes it decide to be like, you know what? Yeah, it's time now. It's time for this to grow here. I wonder why that happens. I wonder what biological service that provides. Yeah. Well, what makes it decide to be like, you know what?

Yeah, it's time now. It's time for this to grow here. You've probably got tenure at your university by now that you teach at. Time for a distinguished beard. And not to get too gross, but I graduated high school. I was a bald beaver. I had no hair anywhere on my body. When't baby face dude i couldn't i couldn't grow a beard it's all my hair has come since wow chest hair none of that the connect the mustache the beard connected happened later yeah that yeah that's i mean

that just happened for me yeah huh yeah i don't know all my hair um i associate all my hair like the more hair i have the older i know i am like yeah even even in my mid-20s i don't think i had very much chest hair or shoulder i it all just started coming in late i don't know i wonder why i can't call it. Somebody somewhere knows. Yeah, let us know. Let us know. Add us. Sean's got a P.O. box. Write him a letter.

Send it to him. Write him a letter. Put a bath bomb in there. Put some hot sauce in a bath bomb. Hot sauce bath bomb, dude. No. That would have hurt. No, we trust lots.

That would have hurt. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Sean's game. Sean's up for it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I think you will. I'll try. You know, for it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I think you will.

You want to be naked in hot sauce? Think about it. Don't think about it. That mm-hmm was not good. That was awful. Who's next? I'm next. Time for my fourth,

and then my final pick. Our final picks will be a lightning round. With my fourth pick, let me know if this is too wide ranging i don't know if it is uh it's gonna i i'm calling it the npr lifestyle you can i mean sure so like it's it's like expand i i'm like i'm like a sunday morning i love now to to like take a canvas shopping bag and go to a farmer's market and get like a one coffee, like a very reasonable coffee. I love to like, oh, like, oh my God, it's artisan bread. Oh, like an artisan bread.

Like just that like NPR farmer's market, like Sunday morning. I love to like listen to like uh like an npr like podcast and then like desert island discs from the bbc which is like just very fucking like grown up sunday morning and like do a crossword maybe with my girlfriend you know what i mean like that just like absolutely the npr lifestyle yeah yeah that's the farmers market i think that's the farmer's market i think that's a farmer's market lifestyle yeah yeah farmer's market lifestyle there's one within walking distance right exactly exactly that is when i found out sioux falls had a farmer's market laura and i went when she was visiting and i was so i was like this hot sauce is like eight dollars too much but i'll be buying

it they made it at home and this is sioux falls i will give them you're still getting hot sauce at the farmer's you can find it if you're looking for it i believe it i believe it yeah i just love i feel like i've become like a portlandia cliche but i'm happy to become one it's so nice it's such a nice relaxing way sundays which used to be either hung over like the day was half hung over and then half filled with terror for the next week to start this is such a nicer way to live it yeah it's so much nicer yeah embrace it you got to embrace it you have to live for that sunday morning yeah so that and then with my final pick i'm gonna take this just because i we've talked about it extensively as i've like lost weight and everything but caring actually caring about your health as my final pick.

Dude, that's a game changer. When you get over the fear, because that's half of it, I feel like. For me, it was like my liver. I wanted to make sure my liver was okay. And finally going to get it checked, doctor's like, looks great, man. You can't tell. And I was like, no shit. And that turned a corner when I'm like, okay, chill out now a little bit.

There's a weird blur where you go from being laissez-faire and not caring at all to like not caring because you're afraid like because you don't want to know like at some point it's like i'm fine to like oh i'm probably gonna die yeah yeah yeah no i recently yeah i got my blood work back recently and they were like nothing's really wrong with you and i'm just like i that can't you got to double check yeah yeah run it back run it run it again that's not i've been living in the gutter there's such a like i don't want to go to a doctor i don't need to see a doctor like i'm fine i'm fine all of a sudden like i should get this checked out do you think i should get this checked out let me call let me call and just make sure everything's okay

i love the doctor now. I call, I like, I call my doctor more than I call my parents. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just like, what about this? I have a doctor now. I have a family doctor. I got, I got like, because I'm joining this family.

He let me in. He's not taking new patients or anything. He's like, sure, you can be pretty cool. That's a big step. That's amazing. Yeah, having a GP. Yeahp yeah yeah gotta have a gp got a gp my guy's nice with it a pcp i was gonna say i wish they weren't called pcps it makes me feel like i'm doing drugs i don't know you like to get wet

i call it sherman hemsley yeah actually time for your final pick um socks are a good present oh that's so good damn that's that's really nice pair of socks man oh that's great look at you that is the realest one you just I'd never even thought about that you used to get so pissed when you got socks and now you're just like fucking thank you for real

thank you man good job wow my girlfriend since I brought up the NPR thing has been cataloging our canvas bags and now all in a big pile there's a big pile of our canvas bags what did you did you did were you like oh yeah we need to remember to use our canvas bags more she's she's living that lifestyle shout out to all the comedy festivals you've ever been to oh oh my god so many because when you're 24 you're like thanks bridgetown yeah empty it out get the free shots i used to throw my bags away

no i don't want a fucking canvas bag they give you one at the store yeah who cares sketch fest good on the socks pick that's really socks are a good present that's an amazing thing yeah man that's awesome fantastic david your final pick my final pick uh my attention span for things i don't like is solo now oh really like if i like it used to be like no let's figure it out let's i oh i don't like this song let me listen to 10 songs by this musician i don't have that yeah no i Yeah. No, I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't want to. I don't want to. I'm not going to do it.

We're just talking to people. If they say some shit I don't like, nah, I think you're wrong. Yeah, I don't need you in my life. Yeah. Get out of here. Trust those instincts. Yeah, shut up. Like, you're not.

Like, I just don't have it to, like, when I was, like, 22, I used to love to argue with people with crazy opinions sam jay we love sam's not an example of it but yeah that's so funny i just facetimed her last night uh no but like yeah yeah she's the best but like when i was younger i used to like and then you'd find yourself in the company of these now you have you you're finding yourself in the company of these people with these wild opinions where it's like no some of this is bad you might just be racist yes why am i trying to like you know i mean like and and it's just also just stuff that i don't like if i do something and i don't like it i i don't like that earlier this year i if anyone aggravated me

on twitter i stopped following them just because i was like why am i doing this for for like political reasons because we're both comedians or because like like they follow me i'm like i'm out of here i'm not i'm not gonna do it like and now twitter is so much more nice yeah that whole that whole riding with people just because their comics is like had to get out of it or like when i was a kid i I used to think people, I assumed that you were like on my team if you smoked weed. No. Shut up. Everybody smokes weed. A lot of different people smoke weed.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nothing. It's nothing. There's no camaraderie there. There's no camaraderie. We're not the same. You just smoke weed.

You enjoy this universally enjoyable thing. Nearly. Not for Sean and I anymore. That being said, I haven't smoked weed in like nine weeks. Dude, I'm off it too. It's a good good feeling you don't need it i feel sharp it's like the longest time since i was like 13 or something it's crazy yeah but yeah that yeah my tolerance for things i don't like is just down beautiful and sean on the high corner your final pick uh when i go get my haircut i just uh now i just say cut it like the kids are getting their haircut like give me give me the kids because i don't know about that well and i i put parameters on it but for a while i didn't know what to say and then i realized i was getting like old person

haircuts where it was just like it was still like kind of a mullet and so now i'm like aren't the kids like the kids are like shaving a little bit on the sides and stuff right is that what the kids are doing and they'll just give me like yeah what the kids are doing a little bit on the sides and stuff, right? Is that what the kids are doing? And they'll just give me what the kids are doing, and it looks contemporary. Or close crop. Yeah, where I'm just like, make me keep my age, but I don't want to look like a cop. I was trying to talk you into getting those haircuts forever, and you were so reticent, but you look great. Because I thought I'd look like a dork, but you got to change a little bit.

Maybe we could find a better way for you to say it like yeah tight on the sides a little like longer on the top you know yeah yeah i feel like if i do that they're gonna look at me and give me what they think i want and i look like i want like a like a co haircut you know and i don't i want i want like what the kids are doing within reason just when you go in just be like co's ain't po's ain't d-i-c-k writers ain't whoa and just let them know oh you want the black rob that's what they'll give that's what that's what i tell my that's what i tell my barber yeah man yeah so yeah give me that album about stealing cars for some reason uh yeah i as it good pick that

wraps it up that wraps it. I went first to recap. And I went first. I took athletes being born in the 2000s, but also just how young athletes are. Really enjoying an early morning walk. Not knowing who famous people are. The farmer's market lifestyle. And then caring about your health. Ashley, you went second. You took just being sore from waking up.

Random involuntary noises. Relating to different characters and movies having weird hair in like different parts on your body you're like what where do you just like hair that just has really showed up halfway through the movie uh and then thinking socks are a good present david you went third you took calling and sick to partying the way you used to call in sick to work moving the goal posts on what you consider old not being able to pick out a cool outfit for a rapper oh yeah white hairs and then having a much lower attention span or even really tolerance for nonsense and for things that you don't like just a much lower you got less time in your day for it i ain't nobody got time for that

sean you went last you took forgetting how old you are Siding with a security guard or property owner As a skateboarder Hard opinions on yards The stark reality Of hangovers And then going to the barber and telling him to cut it like the kids I love that We left a lot of good stuff

On the board Home ownership was one for me definitely I put don't know how to find new music oh yeah oh yeah i don't even know how to get it anymore sometimes i want to listen to some new rap and i'm like i don't know man i gotta ask ian or david they're the highest aficionados i got you don't gotta ask me bro i don't i don't really know man we can give you the top we can give you the cream mars you got me my My top pick was mentioned by Ashley. It is waking up sore because I woke up sore this morning and I definitely feel that.

Yeah, but you do like beat sabering out there. You do like physical stuff. Yeah. And I still wake up sore. Yeah, but that's from a workout, Mars. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to wake up sore. I don't think so.

Because if I'm not sleeping straight on my back, I often will wake up sore. Word, I feel that. I have to like sleep perfectly. Like I'm in a coffin. God. That's often will wake up sore. Word, I feel that. I have to sleep perfectly. I'm in a coffin. That's an old thing. I think that's an old thing. I was going to say willing to pay for quality. The other day I was shopping online and I sorted by highest price.

I was like, who am I? I did that for the first time recently. Absolutely. Tangentially, buying new furniture was one I was about to just say oh yeah and getting rid of stuff just because it's like nah this doesn't fit the look we're going for just kind of

standing in my backyard I'll just go out there it happens on my porch too but more often in my backyard I'll just go walk out and put my hands on my hips and like ah the land I put plan for 8 hours of sleep more often in my backyard i'll just go walk out put my hands on my hips and like ah the land yeah a lemon tree yeah uh i put plan for eight hours of sleep yeah oh man i gotta i gotta i gotta

finish reading this i gotta i gotta finish reading this chapter because i have to be in my bed by 11 or who am I? Yeah. We want to hear yours at home. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter, AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you for holding us down and letting us do what we do. We appreciate you so much, especially this time of year in the holidays

when we know money is tight. Anyway, shout out to everyone in the Slack. We're back in there. we're mixing it up and we're doing the slackity gift exchange that's gonna be really fun yeah i sent mine off i sent mine off uh what thursday maybe it's i'm stoked you lucky little sausage you're about to get a fun little gift from me i got a few uh shout out to michael katie and brecken from sf could be san francisco sioux falls i forgot which one. Congrats on the good news. Do people confuse those often?

Listen, David, if you've been to both. Shout out to Bread and Blooms in Glendale. It's a bakery for the holidays. Go get some. Greg Greer and Rooney. What? Bread and Blooms? Did you just drop an ad into our...

Are you skimming ads on the side? They're a bakery in Glendale. They asked for a shout out. Sean is taking money on the side. Shout out to what they pay you sean what they pay you like is this another scenario where you got a free fanny pack and we didn't get seven seven scones you can have a scone if you want i got seven scones out of the do you get scones they sent you scones sword and the scone no they didn't send me any scones did they send you baked they did not send me any baked goods i think david mars i think sean is running a fucking business on the side where he's

getting shit. I think he might be on the take. I think he's on the take. They didn't. Someone asked for a shout out. I'm giving it to him. Greg Greer and Rooney. Glendale, California?

Greg Greer and Rooney. You know what I'm talking about. So shout out to you guys. Is it in Glendale, California? Glendale, California. Oh, nice. I want to check it out. Yusra Leishim and Raven, from Raven, rather rather congrats on your masters and Crystal Rob

Joe Lauren and Jason and Brandon from Andrea there we go thank you awesome congrats and Katie Nolan and Katie Nolan shout out we find her to be a exhausting a malcontent a scurrilous

yeah Sean and i will just text that to each other just like words and now i'm reaching all the way back and however it's like how can uh just how to describe somebody malicious she's malicious she's poignant she's very she's a little too poignant for me. Kidding. Too poignant. Oh, my goodness. Shout out, as always, to super producer Marissa Melnick, the real star of the podcast. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel.

Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaklackity. That's my adult version. Yeah.

It was nice. It's just smooth, you know? We don't have to go nuts. that was a hate gun podcast