All Fantasy Everything - Solid Motherfuckers (w/ Shane Torres, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: August 30, 2018

Hey. This is Marissa. Ian is still too hungover to write this. They drafted "Solid Motherfuckers" live at High Plains Comedy Festival in Denver. Enjoy.Support the show!Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodEpisode Guest:Shane Torres @ShaneTorres IG: @Syrupmountain Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the stage, All Fantasy Everything. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Yeah! Live from the High Plains Comedy Festival in Denver, Colorado. All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that has not been sober in over 72 hours. Team Strong, jeans on, beers cold, Bob Mould. All right, here we go.

Unfortunately, Sean and David couldn't make it. It's just going to be me. No, I'm not even going to fucking delay it any longer. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. They're both back there. On Twitter as... Sean S. Jordan on Twitter, ladies and gentlemen. Sean Cougar Mellow Jordan on the gram.

I'm going to start crying immediately. Seriously, when you guys freaked out, I teared up hard. And I don't know if you've noticed, but there's some alcohol in front of all of us. That makes people cry. Soda water, soda water, soda water. Holy water. Ice tea, ice tea. Kombucha, kombucha.

Let me get three shots of holy water, please. And they did it, you know. Nice folks. It's not just Sean and I gathered here a four-hour flight from Skid Row. We are also joined by a man who you may know as CoolGuyJokes87 on the gram. AKA the G is silent on Twitter,

David Borey, ladies and gentlemen. Denver's own. David Borey, ladies and gentlemen. Denver's own. You want a shotgun now? He want a shotgun now? Don't threaten him with a good time. What, are we shotgunning? Give me some keys.

I'll shotgun it right now. Give me your keys. Let's get this done. Bring them up. Bring them up. All right. Key party. Now, while this is being...

We'll get back there. For the listeners at home, David is shotgunning a Pabst Bull Ribbon. For real. For real. I just want you guys to know I have a mom somewhere. Yeah. You threw us your keys. We live in your house now, dude. Thanks for the Tiburon.

I'll tell you what. The Miracle Whip is basically officially dead, so I'm excited to have a new car now. The Miracle Whip has turned into a Buick Memorial Garden behind our house. I'll tell you, and it's not a fun-looking Memorial Garden. You know? Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no!

No! For the listeners at home, I double blew it immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. David knocked over one. Count them two shots. Can I have two tequilas to the table, please? I'll pay for them. How are you guys doing?

How's your festival been? Dude, this is amazing. I've been drunk as hell. I've been reading the Bible every night. I went ice skating the other day. Like, I've been doing... I did go skateboarding today, and by that, I was at a skate park with a skateboard.

I don't know that you'd call it skateboarding, what I did. But I bet all the kids made fun of me a lot. I had mesh shorts on, sunglasses, looking like a real prick. Brand-new white T-shirt from Uniqlo with, like, folds on it still. Crispy. Such a dickhead.

Crispy. Just walking around thinking like, I used to be able to do that shit, whatever. Memphis Bleak Jay-Z Dear Summer ass t-shirt. That's a lot.

Yeah, somebody hollered bleak at me, dude. They thought I was Memphis Bleak. Bleak! We just want to take a second before we bring in our final guest

to shout out a couple friends of the pod in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Miller is in the house. Yeah! to shout out a couple friends of the pod in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Miller is in the house. Yeah!

Amy Miller. Shout out to Amy Miller for drinking tequila with me in the lobby of the hotel till 6 this morning. 6 a.m. Raw dogging it out the bottle. I love you, girl. We got King Tuff himself. Chris Sharp and Tears in the house right now.

King Tuff fucking staged dove last night and got dropped on his King Tuff-ass face and he was bleeding out of his forehead. Your boy, Sean's boy, David's boy flew all the way, turned into a bat and flew here from Glensylvania. Count Zacula, Zach Toscani's in the house.

Yeah! Count Zacula from Glensylvania. God, that's dank. Now, I don't know. What do you say we bring him up? Well, yeah. Your next guest, or our next guest, rather, a man of many names. A man of many names.

A man of many names. Good names. He knows by so many names. Oof. Are you guys ready? You guys ready for the final guest? Yeah? Yeah?

Now, you might know him as Jose Conqueso. Jose Conqueso. You may know him as Swollen Ryan. You may know him as Lasagna Harding. You may know him as Doc Hollandaise. You may know him as Adam Sampler. You may know him as Sad,pler. You may know him as Sad, Sad Leroy Frown.

Sad, Sad Leroy Frown. Saddest man in the whole damn town. Sadder than a divorcee. Looking at an empty buffet. Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Torres! Yeah!

Oh, great. Oh, great. I don't know why the fuck I even talked to you guys. I don't have to do this fucking show. If it wasn't for me, the first 40 minutes of this podcast would be plugs. Can we just, now that Shane is out here,

I just want to take a second to say this. The ponytail bounty is a work of comedic fiction. Not real. I will say, if any of you try it, you are really getting fucked up. That is not a joke. Shane's mic cut out, which means he wants you to cut it off.

The mic's going to cut it off. I'm just saying. Why do I have five drinks for an hour and a half? Because you're an alcoholic. What, you want more? Yeah, this isn't enough. So just let me say right now, don't cut it off. Don't you dare.

Don't cut off his ponytail. Don't do it. Not hilarious. Don't. It would not be the funniest thing I've ever seen. You have the money, but don't do it. Not hilarious. Don't. It would not be the funniest thing I've ever seen. I do have the money, but don't do it.

Thousands of dollars. We could PayPal you by nightfall, but don't do it. I will have $10,000 in an attache case full of small, unmarked bills,

but don't. But don't. Don't though. Cut his tail off. He'll be like that guy that used to follow Magic Johnson around with a briefcase of money,

but don't cut it off. Shaq. Shaq. Shaq. Woof. Well, again? Swing and a miss. You confuse so many black people

for other black people. All the black people. He thought Dante Powell was doing this today. We should have got a longer table. This is a tight squeeze. I know. This is the longest table they make, Shane.

This is like when you try to put too many thick cuts of bacon in one pan. And then there's the piece nobody wants. Oh, we want you. Oh, rea... Fuck off. Of course it's you. You guys get, what, 100 hours of bagging on me, and I say one thing about how he's a shitty piece of bacon?

Kiss my dick, Denver. You went after the wrong good vibra, dude. The people love Sean Jordan. Yeah. You get right out of town. I'm glad to know it's 303 to 1.

That's my goal weight. Christ. Sugar Shane, how the hell are you, buddy? I'm good, man. It's good to be here. What have you been doing besides hitting the gym since you've been in Denver? Shane's been hitting the gym.

We have had a lot of talks about you running. Not a lot. You bring them up. I don't bring them up. We're just sitting there. You're like, ah, man, I have to run. I'm not like, hey, I went for a run. You're like, what did you do today?

And I was like, I went. Let me set the scene for you. It's 6 a.m. And Shane is wearing Serena Williams' cat suit. Sean has been warned. Sean got into our hotel room 15 minutes before. We have to bunk together. Yeah, because David and I were getting fucking buck in the lobby, dude,

with friend of the pod Amy Miller. Handling business till 6 in the morning. Listen, I have a disease. I'm a sick man. It's not my fault. I'm an alcoholic. Full-blown Irish. I'm an alcoholic.

It's my father's fault. Yeah. Or my grandfather, Buck Jordan. His name's Buck. His name was Buck until alcohol killed him, but yeah. Which was itself Buck. Very Buck. Not Dank, but very Buck.

Oh, Christ. You know, the Jews traditionally don't suffer from alcoholism. Now, you, are you Jewish? Oh, yeah, 100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything. All right, all right. Yuck! Oh, man.

I tell you. You've been having a good time. Yeah, it's been a blast. Shows have been great. Shout out to Adam, Kate, and Holland and all the high players. Oh, yeah, shout out to them. good. Yeah, it's been a blast. Shows have been great. Shout out to Adam, Kate, and Holland and all the high points. Oh, yeah. Shout out to them. Karen Wachtell, Ellen Bank.

There's some, Jesse. Everybody. I will tell you this. Y'all tell them thank you. This is a weekend. We don't get to see each other unless we do stuff like this. Because of a court order.

Yeah. And I can't stand the fucking sight of these three. I will say this, and maybe I'll say it again, but from the bottom of our hearts thank you so much I'm crying, I'm crying thank you so much

for doing this this is amazing it's amazing because it can be stressful in Los Angeles and this is so cool to be able to see this and everyone's here chilling everyone's having a good time take off your shirt you're crying, you're fucking crying Listen, this is so cool to be able to see this. And everyone's here chilling. Everyone's having a good time.

Take off your shirt. You're crying. You're fucking crying. I'm not crying. I feel like one of your tears right now would be the alcohol content of Moonshot. If you put one of my tears in a car, it could get a DUI. Oh, yeah. That shit could get a hobo drunk.

You could fucking clean a grill with one of my tears right now. You got so much cocaine up in your nose that your snot could produce a movie. Well, that's why... Yes, sir. Yes, sir. It'll be called Jason Statham 12. I got so much Molly in me, I'm like a Malibu schoolhouse.

Nobody do drugs. And I guess David and Shane haven't done any fucking drugs. No, I'm good, man. I've been hitting the gym every morning. I saw that. Yeah, we fucking heard. Sorry, a little discipline. Take care of yourself. I can tell you're taking care of yourself.

I'm down 22 pounds. You're right, it does. He's lying. I'm not lying, you fucking prick. I'm down 22 pounds. That's like the guy who loses 10 grand in Vegas and then plays one slot machine and goes up 20 the next day.

If you guys fight, I got 20 on the fat one. Look at this. New mic, pit crew, pit crew, pit crew. Oh, you got a sign. It says I got 20 on the fat one. I got 20 on the fat one. Jesus Christ. If you stay the fuck away from me,

I think you're the one that's going to try and come get this hair. I like how you say it coy. Come get this hair. It's going to fuck you up when Sean cuts it off. Now, uh... We're not just here to talk shit to Shane to his face. Now, we're not just here to talk shit to Shane Torres.

We have gathered here in the beautiful Three Kings bar and grill. I don't think it's a grill. Jose Conqueso. Don't forget that. Jose Conqueso. What? That's not even close to anything. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my whole life. What are you talking about? That's hilarious.

Jose Conceica. Jose Conqueso. Did nobody get that? Oh, we were supposed to FaceTime Malloy. Hold on. Yeah, shout out to Mike Malloy. Yeah, he's the only one who didn't get into this fest. Because he's a fucking enemy. Fuck him. Hell yeah.

Swing back. Yeah. Mike Malloy came up with Jose Conqueso and all he wanted was for us to FaceTime him, but he doesn't ever want to go to the roost,

so fuck Mike Malloy. He wants to hang out in North Hollywood all the time. So when we get this FaceTime up... These L.A. jokes are really tearing up this crowd. We'll do like a one, two, three, and everybody just say like,

what should we like, enemy of the pod, right? Something like that? All right, on the count of three, hold on one second. It's riveting if you're listening to it. All he's going to get

is a big, fat, swollen... FaceTime unavailable? All right, fuck you, Malone. That was tight. Boston-ass prick, you Robert Parrish motherfucker. Old Double Zero. That was Robert Parrish, right? Yeah, Double Zero.

Yep. I know shit about basketball. That guy was 100 years old the day he was born. Yeah. Another shot of tequila? Sure. Okay. Sure.

Nice. I'm interested as to why there are, because I don't remember asking for any of these. I asked for it. Oh, did you? Okay. It's like you know me. Yes.

All right. Cheers. Cheers, everybody. Oh, fuck. I didn't even take a drink and I'm tired. I'll tell you. Someone poisoned my water. That almost didn't happen, I'll tell you.

So no Malloy, huh? Yeah, he didn't FaceTime. But we all saw him. He tried to FaceTime him. It happened. Yeah, they saw. They know. Anyway, how are you?

No, all right. What do you guys want to talk about? We are not just gathered here in beautiful Three Kings Bar in Denver, Colorado. Man, this place is fucking dope. Yes. It's been a fucking blast. To bash on Shane and FaceTime Mike Malloy. We have gathered here, again, about a four-hour flight from Skid Row.

Just a thin whisper of a four-hour flight. Just a thin whisper of a flight. Just a, oh my God, is that a four-hour flight? Yeah, just, ooh, you can see it if you really squint. We have gathered here to do a- Four and a half from LaGuardia. We have gathered here to fantasy draft a topic, which I will be announcing thusly. Today, we are drafting solid motherfuckers.

Jesus Christ. You meet someone, you shake their hand, and you tell the person that introduced you after the interview, you're like, that's a solid motherfucker right there. That's a solid motherfucker. Solid fucking dude. That's a solid fucking dude. Hands like sandpaper, that man. By the way, when we say dude, that is a gender neutral term.

We don't mean men, women, or non-binary people. A dude is anybody. A dude is anyone. We're dudes. She's dudes. They're dudes. Everyone's a dude. All right?

Yep. So we're drafting solid dudes, solid motherfuckers. The fortress of solid dudes are drafting solid motherfuckers. Let's fucking get it on. I want to rock this. Yeah, I'd rather blow it up. So we're here to determine the draft. The way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you. Shane, what are you doing? I'm consolidating. Did you make one giant shot of tequila? I'm not going to drink it all at once. It's a shot. You have to. No.

Shut up. I'm not doing that shit. Do it. Do it. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. I'm not doing it.

I don't succumb to peer pressure. Oh, now you're going to do that. Okay. Ian's just going to. There's no way. That's's no... There's no way. That's a trip. There's no way. Dog! Dog! Dog!

That's what I want. For everybody listening, Ian just pulled his dick out. Nobody knows what it's like to be a sad man. To be the bad man. We're going to get too drunk to do this. Three kings. A Ronald G. Game of Rock Paper Scissors.

Play between the three of you. All right. Now we're going to throw on scissors. Play between the three of you. All right. Now we're going to throw on shoot. Those are the rules. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Sean Jordan wins. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Now, ooh, fuck. Does anyone have a pen that I can... I do. I got one. I got a pen. I need a paper. This is a... I got a pen. Yep. a pen. I got a pen. This is a... I got a pen.

Yep. Now, before you determine the order of the draft, I would like to remind you that it is a serpentine draft. Sure, sure. What does that mean? That's an excellent question. Jesus Christ. Let me shed some light on your ignorance.

It is... Let's see. Okay. I got Mike Malloy. I got Mike Malloy. Oh, is it Malloy? Fuck you, Malloy. Oh, is it Malloy? Fuck you, Malloy. Fuck you.

David, break your phone. Really send him a message. I hooked up on him before he said something sweet. So let's say you're at the high dive last night and you have a half-drank shot of whiskey because you can't really handle it. And then you're across the street, you got Mutiny Cafe where there's a coffee that you certainly don't need because you can see your handle it. Right, right, right. And then you're across the street. You got Mutiny Cafe where there's a coffee

that you certainly don't need because you can see your heart beating. Sure. And you go over to Mutiny. You take a drink of the coffee. And you're like, God, I bet that whiskey would maybe help me more. Take another drink of the coffee real quick.

Then you go back to High Dive. And you drink a little bit of the whiskey. And you're like, man, the coffee might be the move. But then you take another sip of whiskey. I have diarrhea just hearing this. You have diarrhea? Yeah. You've had diarrhea since your dad was...

Because all I eat is diarrhea. You've had diarrhea since your dad was born. Are we getting into dead dads already? Not yet. Not yet. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mine's dead, too. Mine's name is Ivan. Yes. I don't know, whoa. Mine's dead, too. Mine's name is Ivan.

Yes. I don't know, Sean, I don't know if everybody got that. Does anyone else want to try to explain what a serpentine draft is? Do we have anyone in the house who thinks they can nail what a serpentine draft is? Right here, okay. Is there no one else? Ryan, come on up. Get up here with the microphone.

So it's like... What the fuck do you think you're doing? He's coming in hot. We're going to take a sip of Ian's drink. Oh, shit. I like this guy. Ryan's taking a sip of mine, man. We're going to take a sip of David's drink.

This kid's a king. He's a king. I love it. This one might be better. Oh, he takes another sip of it. Oh. No, no, no, no, no. It's like he went first in the fourth. Oh, they takes another step of it. Oh! No, no, no, no, no. It's like he went first in the fourth.

Oh, that's basically how it works. Yes. Yeah. God bless you, young king. He just ripped my face off. Did a better job than me and ripped my face off. You might be out of a job sooner. You don't watch it, Jordan.

That was better than you've ever done it. Ryan Davis in the house. Ryan Davis in the house. Basically what it means is you can pick fourth in the first round. You pick first in the second round. Now, Sean, with that knowledge close to your heart, close to your head, what will the order of today's fantasy be?

Yeah, what's the order, Sean? Me, Shane, David, Ian. Sean. Sean. Jose Conqueso. Shane, David, Ian. Sean. Sean. Jose Conqueso. Shane, Jose Conqueso. Lasagna Harding. Lasagna Harding. Dad, sadly, Roy Frown.

How long did it take for you guys to rehearse that? It was a good afternoon. Six, seven hours? Why? Yeah, it worked out well because it was right after I got some weed and I just sat down and dug in. We were naked doing hot yoga and we came up with it. We didn't even use all of them, Sweaty Better.

Oh, okay. Doc Hollandaise. Sweaty! That's the best joke when someone in the crowd goes, Sweaty Better. Just repeats it real quick. Okay, you have another one in your pocket? Lee Van Beef. The Round Mound of Flavortown.

The Dampire. The Dampire. The Great Depression. Slop Dylan. Now everybody's starting to hate us. Oh, no, it's fine. Just remember. Hamrin Esparito.

Last one. Diarrhea Butcher. Bruce Varanch. Mayor Nays. Gorge Washington. Dave Snappell. Paul Funyan. Gene Snackman.

We have to be done. Do you just have a texting thread of nicknames? Fudge Dredd. Fudge Dredd. Fudge Reinhold. Everybody calls me Beaver because I have an overbite, so you know. Yeah, that's the same as this. I'm sweating.

Fucking mouth breather. Remember when I was crying earlier? What about that? Now, we should do the draft. Yeah, I suppose, right? But before we do, let's take a short break for a word from our sponsor. And we're back! Hey!

That's a good product. That's a really good product. I use it all the time. And we're back! Hey! That's a good product. That's a really good product. I use it all the time. I can't stop using it. I use it in my eyes. I use it in my car. They gave me one for free, and I said, no!

I use it for shaving, and also I love their clothes. Sure. And I've never been more fond of an at-home meal delivery service. I'm just excited to go. Oh. And I got a boner for hours. Yeah. What'd you say?

And a boner for hours? Yeah. Nice. Nice, bro. Now, Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake them, but I ain't got none, so why don't you go ahead and take the first pick in the Solid Dudes All Fantasy Everything Live

from the High Plains Comedy Festival in Denver, Colorado. Don't fucking blow it. With the first pick. With the first pick. I'm going to need Shane to look me right in the eyes. I'm going to need you to look at me. If you pick me. I'm going to take, oh God, I should.

I'm going to take Kyle Chandler. Oh, you. Coach, Coach Eric Taylor. So hold on real quick. Are you... No, shut up. Are you taking... You said Kyle Chandler first.

Yeah, that is what you said. You did not say Coach Eric Taylor. Coach Eric Taylor is a fictional character. Yeah, we're drafting... Yeah, we can't take fictional characters? No, what am I going to take? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, thank you.

Wait, we can't take... You didn't say no fictional characters. We can't take fictional characters because I got... I guess that rules out the walkness. Hold on, hold on. Don't do that to me. I am choosing the real life Kyle Chandler. He seems like a solid motherfucker.

He does seem like a solid motherfucker. Kyle Chandler will buy you a steak. Kyle Chandler will bail you out of jail. Kyle Chandler will get you the Coke. He won't do bail you out of jail. Kyle Chandler will get you the Coke. He won't do it because he's going to drive you home later that night. Kyle Chandler will introduce you. You don't know it yet, but that's your wife. Kyle Chandler's going to introduce you.

Your girlfriend wants to fuck Child Candler? That's a whole different dude. That's a porn star. Yeah, that's it. Your girlfriend wants to fuck Kyle Chandler, but they'll have a quick talk, and it's over. It's not going to happen. And she's like, man, I still got a crush on him, but he talked me out of it. But she'll have a crush on him forever.

Kyle Chandler fucking rips. That accent alone, I'm just like, man, that's a solid motherfucker right there. He's got just that perfect little southern accent. It's fantastic. What's up? He's more Texan than Shane. Yeah, everyone's more Texan than Shane. You better watch your fucking trap. You, everyone's more Texan than Shane.

You better watch your fucking trap. You'll find out how Texan I am. I watch things specifically because Kyle Chandler is in them. Bloodline, I never would have watched Bloodline. Did you watch Bloodline? I did. Is Bloodline good? It's not really. It looks like there are a lot of boats

in it. It's so depressing. If I'm going to watch one boat show, it's going to be Ozark. I just started Ozark. You guys should draft Netflix boat shows. Ozark. Yeah, man. Kyle Chandler just seems like I would love to introduce him to my mother as my best friend. I've never been like, hey, you're my best

friend. Come meet my mom. Kyle Chandler is a man who is at home in a pair of jeans. I'll say that. He can tuck his shirt in. He can really wear them, too. Yeah, yeah. He fills them out. Like a country music star.

I bet he's got a good tush. Yeah. Oh, like a tight tush. Like a tight tush. But like kind of soft. He's got like a high, tight butt. Like that apple. I want a friend with a thick dumper.

Right? Yeah. A thick dumper. You ever heard it called a turd cutter? No, I don't like that. All right. No, that's gross. A dookie maker? It's all gross. I feel like? No, I don't like that. No, that's gross.

A dookie maker? It's all gross. I feel like the only way I've ever really let you down, there's two ways. I didn't go to the IV session today. That hurt. I let you down on that. And then the other one is my butt's not good enough for you, and I'm sorry about that. It's good. I like your butt, though.

I know, but I could be better. I'm working on it every day. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't feel bad, but I want you to feel bad. Have you been going to the gym? Every day. My man. I don't want you to feel bad.

I don't feel bad, but I want you to feel bad. Have you been going to the gym? Every day. My man. It's got to be tricky going to the gym all the time with being nominated for, what was it? An Emmy. An Emmy. One Emmy award. That's it.

And don't you call it a tuchus, by the way? A tuchus. I did. I called Laura Boovey the other day, and she goes, I've never heard you do that. Yeah. It's rubbing off. I'm Jewish now. Top leader.

I'm a Jewish Irishman. I'm rubbing off all the time. They call them... Those three shots of tequila at once weren't enough. Let me take a drink of two different whiskey sodas. God, that's buck. There's a deep, deep hole. And the only thing that can fill it

is more cowbell, I'll tell you. Kyle Chandler. You heard what kind of response that got, right? Yeah, yeah. Crickets. Thanks a lot. You should reference 25-year-old SNL sketches. I was crying earlier.

25 years old? I don't even know. No. Noi. Noi. Noi. It might be 20 years old. No, is that 20?

Cowbell? How old do you think it is? I don't know. 10? 15? 15? At most 15. Let's split the difference at 12 and a half.

12 and a half years old. 12 and a half years old. Kyle Chandler. This is a good podcast. Kyle Chandler. So, you know, Kyle Chandler. That makes me mad. Oh, you're right.

I get it. You don't have your laptop. I understand. I don't have my laptop. I'm hip to the game. All right. So Sean took Kyle Chandler. Now with the second pick. Cross him You don't have your laptop. I understand. I don't have my laptop. I'm hip to the game. All right. So Sean took Kyle Chandler. Now with the second pick.

Cross him off your fucking list, bro. Shane Torres. By the way, at Shane Torres on Twitter. Yeah. At Shane Torres on Instagram. No, it's still Syrup Mountain on Instagram. Oh, Syrup Mountain on Instagram. I meant to do this earlier.

Yeah, you plugged everything but my actual social media. How many people haven't bought Shane's album yet? It's the best. Buy it. God, buy that. It's so good. You should buy it just for the cover. I got enough left for everyone in this room.

Its actual name is Established in 1981, right? Established 1981. What were you going to call it, though? What was the other name again? The Stand-Up Comedy Bible by Judy Carter by Shane Torrance. Yes. It's a dumb book that every comic gets when they start stand-up comedy.

Nope. I am a motivational speaker. I want you to leave. Sean can't even read. Make sure you go when you leave. I can read. I just do not read. Comedy Central told me we'd get sued if I tried to name it.

It's hard to read when you traded your glasses for a cup of whiskey. I burn books, bro. I don't read. Okay. Weird stance. That's a weird stance. I read Monster, Cody. I don't read. Okay. Weird stance. You better gangbang these books. I read Monster, Cody Scott's autobiography, and that's it. The dirt.

He was a crip, bro. I did read the dirt. We were talking about when I read the dirt and I kicked out a window in Portland, Oregon. See, I'm not the angel you think I am. I get bucked. Yeah, you are. Everybody has a past. Everybody has a past.

Shigadoo, it's time for your first pick. Shigadoo. I'm going to go with a man not born in this country. Manos de Piedra, Roberto Duran, the Hands of Stone. Oh, really? The Hands of Stone. Yeah, that's what they call him. And here's a smattering of applause. If ever.

I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. If ever there has been a smattering of applause. I've never I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. If ever there has been a smattering of applause. I've never seen the wind sucked out of sales quicker. I think like the widow of Roberto Duran must be here. I'll tell you. 120 professional fights. Okay. 70 knockouts.

Only three losses. And here's a quote. Yes, it is true. I once knocked out a horse. We were at my mother's fiesta for her birthday, and someone bet me a bottle of whiskey I couldn't do it. And you thought one of us was going to pick that before, like, the fifth round. You got the only one I really wanted.

I know I did. In the first round, Roberto Duran. Yeah. I'm sorry. Bean burrito, no onions over here. I wish we could redo that draft and I could pick it again. Yeah, I would pick this. I'll pick him five fucking times in every language.

What is it about Roberto Duran, other than his stellar boxing record, that makes you think that he's a solid dude? You're just a man with a handshake. That's a man with a handshake. The hand's a stone. When he shakes your hand. I don't want to hang out with a dude who's punching animals. No! He grew up in Panama. It's different there. That's like my one rule.

Like, no shoes on the carpet. Don't punch my animals. And David's got a lot of horses. What, you think that he's punching horses in Panama? One person is. I can't... Fuck you guys. Weird.

It's like I get to do this in person now. It's still the exact same thing. It's the best. I like it. I like it. That was an amazing pick. No, you didn't like it. I loved it.

You guys should have told me. You're right. I didn't like it. I loved it. It's a questionable pick, and you'll be raked over the coals on Twitter because of it. Yeah. I still get shit. I wasn't into it. I wasn't into it. I loved it. It's a questionable pick, and you'll be raked over the coals on Twitter because of it. I still get shit. I wasn't into it.

Mamos. Roberto Duran. No, really. You're out to lunch with Roberto Duran. Do you want me to change it? I'll change it right now. No, no. Then shut up. First of all, no, I don't want that.

Second of all, no, you can't. Tattoo it on your forehead. Yes, I like him. He's an exciting partner. I love it. I love it. Oh, Christ almighty. No one likes me. No, I like him. He's an exciting partner. I love it. I love it. Christ almighty, no one likes me. No, I love you. First of all, I love you like a brother. I love

you like you're a member of my family. Sean loves you. David? I'm okay about it. I've been to it. I haven't known him as long. Speaking of David. And these people love you the way that you kind of love being sick because you get

to stay home from work. Where you're like, you feel miserable, but it's like, oh, tight. I don't have to go to work. Also, I got ginger root. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm drinking this Pedialyte Club Soda. By the way, if you're ever hung over, Pedialyte and Club Soda.

Because if it's just Pedialyte, it's almost salty and weird, you know what I mean? But you put a little club soda in there, all of a sudden, what am I, a Cabo? Anyway. You should have seen fucking Vacation Carms last night. He was decked out. It was dank. Good story, right?

Get ready for a bunch of those. We got about an hour left. Vacation Carms. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, DJing an after party, on Molly, screaming at people. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt. DJing an after party. On Molly. Screaming at people. Eyes closed. Eyes closed. I like it because you were constantly posing from the DJ booth.

Nobody was taking pictures. So it's just like a lot of like. Just a lot of like, oh shit. It was beautiful. Kept singing that Fergie song for way longer. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

David Borey. A man who grew up in, I want to say, Elizabeth, Colorado. Uh-oh. Are there people from Elizabeth here, or are you just clapping? Any Elizabethans? Elizabethans in the house. None of them are on work release. They don't get out in the daytime.

What do you think you say to other people from Elizabeth? We're not dead? What do you mean? Oh, we're not dead? Yeah, sometimes. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Okay, so can I do... With the third pick, you made the earth... Can I do fictional characters or what?

Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Don't put me in a fucking box. My first pick is Tony the Tiger. You are fucking ridiculous. International what is? What? What about him isn't a

solid dude? Good physique. Good physique. Active. Strong jawline. Gonna teach you how to play sports. Cares about your health, but gives you a little sugar with it. That's Roberto Duran. Are we still talking about Roberto Duran? He's solid. Isn't my boy wearing a bandana sometimes? My boy's wearing a bandana,

not gang affiliated. He just likes to look. I love him. I love him. What a good dude. Strong handshake. Looks you in the eye. And he's a tiger, so he knows magic.

Prove me wrong. When are you going to take me? Prove me wrong. Why did you ask about the fictional character thing? Because you said we couldn't do it. He's real though, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, that's a dude. Frosted Flakes is a documentary. He got out of the serial game, but he lives in Columbus.

He settled down, got a couple kids. His son actually plays running back at Duke. I know, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You know Tony the Tiger was in the CIA between the ages of 20 and 35 and nobody talks about it? Well, it's pretty well. Later, he just named it Greg Popovich. Did you know that underneath that bandana,

he had his kill count tattooed on his chest? He's got one of those ear necklaces. That's actually one big orange teardrop tattooed on him because he kills people. He's also actually the heir to the White Castle throne. That's true. His claws are actually teeth. That's true. And heir to the White Castle throne. That's true. His claws are actually teeth. That's true.

And he's an animal. Oh, that's true. Tony the Tiger is my first pick. I feel like it's pretty self-explanatory. And he built that company out of nothing. Just a good dude. Yeah, so am I. All right, I'm irate.

I'm going to grab this whiskey bag. You don't have any cold sores or anything, do you? Yeah, on my dick. You don't have any cold sores or anything, do you? Yeah, on my dick. He ain't got any. That was so gross. What are you doing? He smiles so big for the dumbest joke.

I'm happy. I'm sorry. It's everything you say. You know? You get caught slipping one time. Sweat towels, by the way. Those are sweat towels for you guys. Oh, jeez.

Oh, shit. You got them for us. I'm going to wear mine like Kevin Garnett after a game. Anything is possible! Just on your head doing post-game? Yeah. Or like that floating hoodie he had. Oh, I like that floating hoodie he had. Oh, I like that.

They drew first blood. One of us has to be serious. All right. What am I, a black belt in taekwondo? Said it right. No, I am actually a second degree black belt. Watch your fucking back, dude. Double jump front kick.

Choreo. We didn't bring him, but every now and then at a party at the crib, Sean will disappear into his room. Jack off real quick. Between 35 to 45 seconds. And he'll come back with a pair of nunchucks. And my boy is clean with the nunchucks. He is nice with it.

Right? Even hammered drunk. I see. with it. Right? Even hammer drunk. I see. I see. Cooler than the other side of the pillow, my friend. And you do it like drunk. You do it like tell me about the time you killed that drifter drunk. Cooler than a...

Like drunk as shit. Oh, you did it at the New Year's Eve party. I've never seen you do this. I was sure we were going to need to buy a new TV the next day. Because I thought I could just see it going right through the TV. No. Does anybody have nunchucks? I'm kidding.

Of course you don't. There's some guy in the back with a couple of katanas. Someone in the back like... I have a katana. I have a bo staff. I'm doing like a new theme in my living room

so yeah, I have a katana. Shut up! It's time for my first pick. Oh, is it? Already, huh? What do you got? With my first pick. Oh, is it? Already, huh? What do you got? With my first pick in the Solid Motherfuckers All Fantasy Everything, I'm going to take the Hammer of Akron,

number six, number 23, number one in our hearts, the King himself, LeBron James. Sure. LeBron James. Damn. The Hammer of Akron. I've never heard that in my life. That's a solid motherfucker.

Okay. That's a good-ass pick, man. That dude just opened a school in Akron for the fuck of it. Yeah. He's been famous since he was 15. He's never gotten into trouble once. Right. He's charitable.

He's friendly. He's corny in a way that I can relate to on a deep level. He can slam dunk a basketball so we have that in common he can bowl a perfect game you guys have that in common you know he's struggling with his hairline and that's relatable right

that's the one place you're better than him yeah I got that on him no I have other things too, that guy can't spin a dreidel I can spin a dreidel I'll spin a dreidel, I can spin a dreidel. I'll spin a dreidel. That thing keeps spinning for, like, hours. LeBron James, dude, that's a solid motherfucker. Yeah.

You know he's solid because people nitpick the shit out of him to find something, like, to bag on him. Yeah, he has gross toes. Fuck you. He had a special where he ended up giving all the money to Boys and Girls Club. What a prick. He's like a homeless person. I got gross toes toes too, man. No, you don't. You're great.

Your toes are amazing. I'd eat dinner off those toes. They're the best. Those toes are dinner. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yeah, LBJ. The good one. Yeah, I just think... Large, bodacious, and juicy.

He called Donald Trump a bum, which was just great. Bum? Like he's Fred Mertz. You fucking bum. think. Large, bodacious, and juicy. He called Donald Trump a bum, which was just great. Bum? I know. What a good... Like he's Fred Mertz. You fucking bum. Right, exactly. You're a bum. You got a fucking $4 haircut, you fucking bum. It's perfect.

Jesus, what a guy. We're so lucky to be alive when LeBron James is alive. It's just an amazing thing. He's like Michael Jordan, but a good guy. He's like Michael Jordan, but a... Yeah. He's beautiful.

I didn't think Portland's favorite son would pick a Los Angeles Laker with the number one pick overall. Well, first of all, he's a Cleveland Cavalier. Listen to me. That's how it's going to go down. Listen, if LeBron wants to go to L.A. and win zero more championships, that's fine with me, all right? Yeah, they're not piling them up in Cleveland. No, they're not going to pile them up.

Yeah, you're right. It's fucking, yeah, Golden State. Silencia. I really fucking reset the room. Chandra shushed someone. I apologize. I felt like you were shushing me. What just happened?

No, no, I just want everyone to enjoy it. And everyone, you know. God, now I feel like such a prick. I got to leave. I'm out? Stop it after Chandra. Get the fuck out of here. All, now I feel like such a prick. I got to leave. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out for sure. Get the fuck out of here.

All right. That was about my time. Nobody claps. All right. I'm here. All right. I need to make my second pick on a counter. It is a fantasy draft.

And it is a serpentine style draft. Yeah. Serpentine draft. That's what I meant. I did take a three shot of tequila earlier. So. I know you fucking. That was a move.

Just hold my hand. I can't believe that happened. Now he can't read. That was gnarly. You just slammed it down. I forgot how to read. Gobbly goop goop goop.

Barry Barry Derrison. Barry Derrison. Hebe. With my second pick, I'm going to take a woman who has sung her way into our hearts over these last two years. Uh-oh, I might know. I'm going to take the queen, Adele. I'm taking Adele.

Okay. Adele is a solid motherfucker. Yep. She has been through some shit, so she'll be there for you. I know because she's never not written a song about it. So she has definitely been through some shit, and she would be there for you, you know? I waste my days away writing for The Late Late Show with James Corden.

You don't waste them. You make television. It's amazing. We have a little segment that we do called Carpool Karaoke, and Adele did Carpool Karaoke. You guys shush. Ryan, shush. You're at a nine? Four. Alright, there we go.

Adele did carpool karaoke, and she was fucking cool as fuck. She rapped a Nicki Minaj song. She laughs like a bruv. It's amazing. I love it. You crack a joke, and Adele's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. She laughs like a skull in the Pirates of the Caribbean.

She laughs like a laugh that's only in abandoned hospitals. Right. Yeah. It's a gin-soaked laugh, and I love that. She's thick, but she's glamorous. She is sexy. She fucked up at the Grammys, but kept going. It was amazing.

We did. That's a move right there. Well, you wrote on the Grammys, right? I wrote for the last two Grammy Awards, as I am an Emmy-nominated TV writer. And a goddamn gym rat, I'll tell you that right now.

I can't get out of the gym. I might do some push-ups in the middle of this podcast. I doubt it. This is a fun story. So she was rehearsing. So George Michael had passed away a few months prior, and Adele was doing a fast love tribute. She was singing Fast Love by George Michael,

but this weird fucked up version where the tempo was pulled down, yada, yada, yada. So during the Grammys, the day of the Grammys, there's a live dress rehearsal, which is fucking so dope because you get to just go sit there with like 50 other people and watch Beyonce perform and then Adele perform and then a tribe called Quest perform. It's amazing. And Adele was rehearsing and she fucked it up. She fucked it up on the show itself.

That would be like a Coachella headlining bill. I know. It would be the greatest concert ever, but she fucked up Fast Love. She fucked it up in the actual show too, but she fucked it up in the rehearsal, and once she fucked it up, she just went off like a cockney dock worker.

It was amazing. She was like, I'm fucking bollocks. The tempo's all fucked up. I'm fucking sorry. That's on me. I'm fucking sorry. It's fucking unprofessional. I'm fucking sorry. All right. Can we do just spiked the mic. That's on me. I'm fucking sorry. It's fucking unprofessional. I'm fucking sorry. All right. Can we do it again from the top, love? All right. Thank you. Thank you. What the fuck are you looking

at? Thank you. I mean, she wasn't mean. She was awesome, but she just cussed up a storm. I feel like if you had a bottle of Jameson and Adele, the two of you would drink that bottle of Jameson. Yeah, yeah. I was driving a friend of the show, I guess, Rojo Perez. The two of you would drink that bottle of Jameson. Yeah, yeah. I was driving...

Friend of the show, I guess. Rojo Perez, everybody. Yeah, sure, we love Rojo. Him and I were driving back to Portland from Boise for Headline Club. Worst weekend. Shout out to Liquid Laughs. Yeah.

Eating shit all weekend. We're getting back into Portland like 3 a.m. You were eating shit all weekend? Yeah, that's how I got diarrhea. You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Rojo just started playing all these Adele songs, and I started crying on the drive home. David, you have your second pick.

So here's the thing, Ian. I wish that you didn't make that pick, because my second pick is another songstress who I love Adele. Yeah. What do you think? Calm down. There's plenty of room. Calm down.

I love Adele, but this one is like better overall. I don't know about that, dog. It is, though, true because- Adele is a bro. Listen to me. I'm picking Dolly Parton. Oh. Yeah.

Amy just passed out. I saw Amy fall over. Amy just broke a watermelon over her. That wasn't the plan. She was on my list anyway. That's such a good pick. I know. You're right. You're right. I mean, what's to say? She seems so fucking solid.

Everything I've always loved in people, like from poor roots, self-made, huge jugs, a lady, a lady, a consummate lady. I'll tell you this, and Amy, please tell me if I'm wrong, but she wrote I Will Always Love You and Jolene in the same night. Have we talked about this before? In the same night that she gave it to Whitney Houston? Those are two of the best fucking songs.

I wouldn't give anybody shit. You can't get a Chicken McNugget off me. Let alone a banger. You can tell she was great. I write a banger. I keep that forever. Whenever Letterman would interview her, he was so enamored. And when he didn't like somebody, it was the most apparent thing you've ever seen in your life.

I've never seen anybody more charismatic than that, including the people at this table. And that's... That was a fun kind of compliment, though. Okay, you got Dolly charisma? We're still young. We got time to get more. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm like 24.

15 years ago. I'm 14, dude. I spend most of my days just playing Tony Hawk from Skater 1. Thinking I'm a Superman. Hey, do you teens like PlayStation 1? No, you're killing it, bro. Keep going. So here I am, doing everything I can.

Holding on to what I am. Pretending I'm a Superman. And I will always love you. Jolene Jolene You really got to roll a word around in your mouth That's the key to doing the punk voice Jolene

Just really give it space to play Turn your mouth into an escape room And set the word loose Jolene That's the end of the song though, right? Yeah. Joey. Joey.

I blew it. I didn't do it right. I'll tell you that right now. I did it. Silence in the stream. That is what we are. So we rely on each other. Uh-huh.

From one corner to another. Uh-huh. From one corner to another. Uh-huh. My eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my head. I'm so glad everybody gets to see your face when you do that. Yeah. It's a good face. It's ironic. And isn't it ironic?

Don't you think? It's ironic you, Eric. You're winning. Die. You didn't think there was going to be a punk rock show at Three Kings like they normally do. Shane Torres. Let's hear it. Holly Barton, David, great pick.

Shane Torres, it's time for your second pick. In the solid, motherfuckers. For my second. All fantasy, everything. Let's hear the next boxer on your list. You know, people that beat the shit out of people all the time. Golden Gloves boxer, Shane Torres, by the way. I told you, you guys can find out anytime you want.

Golden Gloves boxer. Going to Fort Worth or Texas? Where are we going? Those are the fists. I'm going to take country music legend, actor, playwright, Chris Christopherson. Woo! Dog! I am right there with you.

A few facts about the man. Road scholar at Oxford. Sure. Vietnam helicopter pilot. Graduated Army Ranger School. Top building blade. Blade. Army Ranger School.

Top building blade. Blade. He wrote Sunday morning coming down because he landed a helicopter on Johnny Cash's property and sold him the song. Don't name other people, dude. You guys are going to pick Johnny Cash? Who knows? Shut the fuck up. I was going to pick the rest of the highwaymen.

So yeah, you fuck off. Can you name the rest of the highwaymen? William Nelson. That's not what I can and can't name. Yeah, fuck off. That's what I thought, you prick. William Nelson, Jonathan Cash. Yeah. William Nelson. Jonathan Cash. Yeah.

William Nelson. Willard Nelson. Willard Nelson, Jonathan Cash. Bill Nelson. Do I look like Reptile from Mortal Kombat? You look like a ninja turtle. Oh, dude! Did I ever tell you my entourage-based...

Yeah. Yeah. I was wondering how long it would be before that show came up. It's... What is your entourage-based... Oh, hold on a second. Man, shout out to us for getting straight up drunk. Oh, here it is. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Johnny, Eric, Vince, and Turtle. Johnny, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Johnny, Eric, Vincent Turtle. Johnny, Eric, Vincent Turtle. Johnny, Eric, Vincent Turtle. Actors in a drop top entourage. I thought you were going to do the prayer. You want to do the prayer? Do the prayer, please. This is the, oh wait, let's do it right now before Shane picks.

Lead the group. I did pick. You interrupted me. Before Shane makes his pick, whatever stupid fucking... Probably a country musician Hit him in the face. Hit him in the face.

Do your... Show everybody the official AFV prayer. I hope I get it right. In the name of... In the name of entourage, ballers, succession,

and billions. May the rock be with you. May the rock be with you. No, when we say may the rock be with you, you say and also with you. Do it again, do it again, do it again. I thought we weren't naming solid motherfuckers. Entourage, Succession, Ballers, and Billions. May the rock be with you.

And also with you. There it is. That was pretty tight. That's cool. Chris Christopherson, dude. I agree 100%. Yeah, he picked out a tombstone quote before he died. Did he really? Yeah.

What's his quote? It's from a Leonard Cohen song. It's like a bird on a wire, like a drink in a midnight choir. I have tried to be free in my own way. Oh, that's lame. Mine's going to say Mo Fat Chicks. Sean's will just say the same thing backwards and forwards. Sean's is just going to be a picture of a bottle of black velvet.

Mine's going to say, you think they actually killed me? You fool. Look behind you. Mine will say, sold out another one. Oh, oh. Nice. That's cool. Everybody's really into how you sold out a bunch of shows.

I'm sorry. I think we've won the same amount of Emmys. Oh! Oh! No! Yes! Oh no! Oh, no! Oh, no, I got to get a jacket.

It just got cold. I want to go break the window. Right now, I feel like Spider did in Goodfellas right before he got here. You motherfucker! What's that movie? The Oklahoma Kid. What, it's the first hole I ever dug? What are you...

That was so fucking dank, dude. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my whole life. I loved it. I'm rich. You have won the same amount of money. I'm a rich person. Sean, it's time for your... I am too.

I'm rich in friendship with my friends. I am. I am too. I don't pay taxes. You got to stay off the grid, bro. I'm the youngest head writer of a network television late night series in history. I'm the youngest. I'm the youngest.

And it's well deserved. By the way, I have a real surprise for you guys at the end before. Do you really? Check this out. My phone number doesn't have an area code. That's how off the grid I am. I'm the youngest person to hit two for Tuesdays for 52 consecutive weeks at KFC. Look it up. Look it up. at KFC. Look it up.

Look it up. Ask about me. Look it up and ask about it. Whenever you take a picture of me, it's just Slender Man. You did the Arby's 5 for 5 every week for 52 weeks, right? It was based on my life. Yeah. It's based on a true story.

The Arby's 5 for 5 is based on David's life. It's not a big deal. I don't want to gloat. I'm not a gloat. We are going to have to rifle through these next picks. Yeah, we've got like 20 minutes. Yeah, we're on round two. Oh, Sean, time for your second and third.

That's all right. God, we can't stop talking. Oh, shout out to a friend of the podcast, Sam Varello, who's in the house. Make some noise. And Chris Baker. What up, what up, what up? Oh, shout out to Chris Baker. Make some noise for Chris Baker. All right, for real, we've got to pick some shit. All right,. And Chris Baker. What up, what up, what up? Oh, check out the Chris Baker. Make some noise for Chris Baker.

All right, for real, we got to pick some shit. All right, Sean, go ahead. My second pick, a solid motherfucker. I'm going, now a queen was mentioned earlier. I'm going to go a different queen. I'm going to go Queen Latifah. Solid, solid motherfucker. There's no getting around.

What's your favorite Queen Latifah vehicle, Sean? U-N-I-T-Y, that's a Unity. U-N-I-T-Y. That's pretty good. I didn't think you knew this song. U-N-I-T-Y, that's a Unity. What's another Queen Latifah song? Now, for everybody who thought Queen Latifah was here,

it was me. I'll tell you another Queen Latifah song. The movie Juice. That's one of the best movies in the world. Also could have said, I'm not a bitch. No, I could have. I'm not a bitch. I think the weirdest moment in pop culture ever is that movie

where Steve Martin fell in love with Queen Latifah. Yeah. It's just weird. I mean, yeah, I would fall in love with Queen Latifah. I can't tell if it was a low point or a high point for both of them. But like Steve Martin is a banjo playing art enthusiast. All right, I'm the only one who's that's weird, but fine.

Stop being a dick, dude. Fine. Queen La. Queen La just seems dope. And it's stemming from Juice. That was my first Queen La experience. And then Unity, like the only song that I really know. Did you watch Living Single?

No. Okay. What a big fan. In a 90s kind of world, I'm glad I got my girls. Hold your head up. What? Keep your head up. That's right.

Whenever this life gets tough, you gotta fight, because my homegirl's standing to my left and my right. True blue. We tight like glue. You sucker. Puck motherfucker. Coming here talking that Queen Latifah shit. Like you don't know she worked at Flavor Magazine?

You mother... David, you picked Tony the Tiger. Yeah. You know how much Frosted Flakes I've eaten? Pounds. Pounds, dog. I put the work in for my bitch. much Frosted Flakes I've eaten? Pounds. Pounds, dog. I put the work in for my bitch.

Probably a lot, but that's neither here nor there. Well, I think we should probably move it along a little bit. All right. I guess... I guess...

So you're telling me that you're Jewish. Die, die, Eno. Die, die, Eno. Die, die, Eno. Die,, no. Die, die, no. Die, die, no. Die, die, no. Remix!

Oh, I thought you had one. You sang a song. I wanted to sing a song, too. Oh, I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I just started singing California Love. Queen Latifah, Sean, it's time for your third pick, boobie.

This is a weird one, but I'm excited about it. Michael Keaton. Oh, yeah. Oh, love. Queen Latifah, Sean, it's time for your third pick, boobie. This is a weird one, but I'm excited about it. Michael Keaton. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think Michael Keaton seems pretty fucking rad. He used to do stand-up and he just seems dope.

He seems like a solid motherfucker. Yeah. My dad used to sit me down like a fucking, like the shitty dad he was and make me watch Clean and Sober

while he was shit-faced. And I just, I have these memories. I'm watching this movie as a kid, like, Michael Keaton seems dope. Like, Dad, why can't you be Clean and Sober? That's a high bar, though. You were like, Dad, why can't you be Batman like Michael Keaton? You were like the first part of multiplicity and your dad was number eight. Yeah.

Michael Keaton's hairline is a fucking miracle. Because, like, it's been pushed back since 1981. It's crazy. Like, his hairline is a soccer team that got a red card in the third minute of the game. And it's just been there. What? It didn't go any further back.

It's just been fucking there since the 80s. I barely know what that means. I don't know what that means because I'm an American. I'm trying to branch out and get more bruvs into our podcast. We got to get more bruvs. People who are mental about trainers. Trainers. University.

Bruv. Proper. Mental. It's mental. Isn't it? Michael Keaton has trainers, bruv. Mental. He went to university, got special trainers. Michael Keaton did, didn't he? Mental. Didn't it? Michael Keaton has trainers, bruv. Menthol. He went to university, got special trainers.

Michael Keaton did, didn't he? Menthol. Didn't it? Am I? It's menthol. Eggs. Blood sausage. I like how you said blood sausage.

I blacked out. I had nothing. Chopping bliggy on the table. Well, you grew up in Bompton. Calm down. All right. Yeah, Michael Keaton. Bompton. I'm just like, alright. Oh yeah, Michael Keaton. I think Michael Keaton seems like a solid motherfucker. I love the ketonesance that we're

in too. That's a fantastic, it's a fantastic time to be alive. Oh, the ketones. I get it. I get it. I thought we were talking about ketona blades again like we were earlier. My ketona sword. For everybody listening, Ian's doing an amazing act out. He was an improviser before he was an Emmy

nominated writer. Make a sandwich for Mike. I was going to say make a sandwich real quick. Here he is making a sandwich. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that right now. Now he ate the sandwich. Groundlings! There it is.

That was my pick. So it's my pick now. Michael Keaton, great pick. Shane Torres. I'm just going to say, for the sake of time, The Rock, because I don't even think I need to explain it. Yes. It's a movie. Everything about the dude.

I watched it. His Instagram is fucking incredible. It's great, because it'll just be like, oh, we've been shooting from 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. every night. Finally have a day off. Do I go to sleep and have tea and watch Netflix? Or do I go have coffee and go to the gym and it's like, fuck tea. That's a real post on Instagram. And then it's just him squatting a fridge.

Yeah. I love it because he always says clanging and banging. Clanging and banging. He's like, I'm just doing the church clanging and banging. Which is what I used to do at church, too. Yeah. There's nothing about the guy I don't like. Seriously.

Except that he spoke at the RNC. Here's the only thing. The Rock, a little presumptuous. Maybe Dwayne A-Rock Johnson. I was actually picking the Michael Bay film, The Rock. Maybe there's other Rocks. Carla was the prom queen. Losers complain about doing their best.

Sean Connery is shit. Winners go home and were raised by the darkness. Wait, Babe? Bold. That went off the rails. You did like three different things. Yeah, I was in and then I was out and then I was out again. I thought I was going to like it. I was out and then I was out and then I was out again. I thought I was going to like it.

I didn't like it. I was out and then I got off this train. I didn't like it. I don't know if this train made it out of station. Losers complain about doing their best. Winners go home and were raised by the darkness.

Born in it. That was pretty dope. Here's the problem because I like the way Sean Connery says fuck. That's my favorite part about that whole quote. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

Yeah. Yeah. Does he really say that in the movie? Winners go home and take the prom queen out to the Cheesecake Factory and then to a movie. Afterwards, they get a lazy handjob in the front seat of their Honda Accord. There's no such thing as a lazy handjob. Yes, there is. That is work. You've never gotten a lazy

handjob? What are you saying? I put it to you, the audience. Is there such a thing as a lazy handjob? Ian, put your fucking shirt back on, Christopher. You've never gotten a lazy handjob? I had three tequila shots earlier, and I don't know where I am.

I gave myself a lazy hand job last night before Sean got home. Then I gave you a lazy hand job with my mouth. That's right. Your herpes mouth. My penile cold sores. Children listen

to this. Do they? Children. Somebody's been bringing a child to all these shows, by the way. There might be a baby here right now. Somebody had a baby at the shows last night. It's pretty buck. David, time for your third pick. I was just thinking about that baby. Remember Rumpelmans? Because I always just feel like that baby was dating

that lady. When you see a baby at night, it just seems like they're together. Like Roger Rabbit style? Yeah, I saw it. Because I was so fucked up last night, I saw the baby and I was like, holy shit, the baby's fucking that lady. I think that baby's Roger Rabbit-ing that lady. I just thought they were like a couple.

Now, I'll tell you this. Oh, okay, I'm so bad? That's hilarious. Yes, you're talking about a baby fucking. That's gross. Yeah, well, then a baby has a relationship with an adult? I didn't say, oh, I think that lady's taking it from him. I meant that

he spit some game on Tinder, and then they went out to the Hornet, and then things progressed, and now they're together at a comedy. Yeah, it's not a real baby. It's like a cigar-smoking boss baby. Your brain is like if the internet got shaken as a child. It is fucking crazy.

They met at the Grizzly Rose. A baby with a girlfriend is hilarious. Don't do that met at the Grizzly Rose. A baby with a girlfriend is hilarious. All right. Don't do that to me. Grizzly Rose, shout out. That's what all the networks are looking for. It's so funny. Dave, what do you got?

I say love is like a river. All right. My third pick is, oh, very easy. Benny the Jet Rodriguez. I thought about him today. I was almost going to guess. That's fantastic. I'll take him as a boy.

Benny was always the guy to call us back on those nights. Yeah, I just. To make us keep playing ball. Benny, he just cares about you. He cares about the neighborhood. He's not going to let dogs bite you, which I got friends who don't do that. You know what I mean? I got friends who let me get bit by dogs. That's like a rite of passage. David, go let that dog bite you, which I got friends who don't do that. You know what I mean? I got friends who let me get bit by dogs.

That's like a rite of passage. David, go let that dog bite you. Then we'll go to Dairy Queen. That's how you get jumped into the crypts? No, you get the shit kicked out of you by your friends in Sioux Falls. That's how you get jumped into the crypts. Your friends. Are you a friend, Sioux Falls? Born and raised. Yeah, yeah.

Best city in the world, Sioux Falls is. What was it like growing up in North Dakota? Stop. I'll fucking flip this growing up in North Dakota? Stop. I'll fucking flip this table over. North Dakota, that's a state. I'll flip this table over hard. North Dakota, I like. Yeah.

Yeah, do you? There's a lot going on there. I'm talking about Bismarck. I'm talking about a second city. Minot. Minot, North Dakota. Minot, Minnesota. Shit.

No, it is North Dakota. I'm an asshole. I'm talking about Florida. Minnesota. Shit. No, it is North Dakota. I'm an asshole. I'm talking about Florida. Yeah. Yeah, North Dakota in the back? Run up and punch Sean. Do you need me to... I'll show you the door right now, Playboy.

It's right over there. I am on your side no matter what. You know that we're drunk because I'm the one who wants to keep it moving. Let's make some picks. Let's make another pick, yeah. I'm drunk as hell. It's a bad look. Maybe the Jet Rodriguez.

Yeah. Man can smack the shirt out of a baseball. Solid. He gives you your first baseball hat when you move to town. He gives you your first shot on your 27th birthday. Yeah, he's nice to nerds. He's nice to kids who aren't popular. Yeah, because he doesn't care.

Because he's confident. He knows Wendy Pfefferkorn, who's a babe, dude. A babe. A babe. A babe. Fucking snitch. Cop just drove by. I call them all snitches, dude. Because I don't read books.

I don't read books. Somebody showed me a book one time and I passed out. I don't know what to do. That's true. That's true. Better gangbang these books. Is it your pick, Carmel? Benny the Jet Rodriguez. It's time for Ian's true. That's true. Better gang bang these books. Is it your pick, Carmelo? Benny the Jet Rodriguez.

It's time for Ian's picks. Number three and four for me. You're really turning up the volume on that. What a bucket of charm over here. It's number three and four for your friend, Ian. And of all the people in the whole entire world, who am I going to pick? Ooh, let's think. I always want to do that voice, but I feel like it's racist.

I would love if you did it. Every time you do it, I just want to talk like this. Oh, my God. I'm going to make another pick for me. Oh, no. I got four nickels. Oh, my God. Oh, it's time to make a pick.

Oh, I couldn't have even imagined the scenario. The whole left side of my body is numb because I've been doing drugs all weekend. Oh, my God. No, you got something else going on. You're not doing... That's different. Yeah, that's very... You put hot sauce on salads.

Blood clot. You just sounded like a mom. I think you have like a nerve thing probably. Blood clot. I think it's a pinched nerve in your back. I'm glad you tried, though. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried.

I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried.

I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried.

I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried.

I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried.

I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I'm glad you tried. I LA will figure it out. We're going to take you to the doctor. We're going to get my... I hope they don't have any books there because I don't fucking read books. I'm going to take the defensive end for the Philadelphia Eagles, Chris Long.

Chris Long is a solid motherfucker. First of all, he follows me on Twitter and that's enough. Okay. Second of all, he's like a very conscious good dude who's in the NFL. And last year, he donated all of his salary from all 16 games and the playoffs and the Super Bowl, which they won. Sure.

I heard about it. Fuck that. We got some Eagle fans. Oh, yeah, you're a cowboy fan, right? Yeah, I'm a cowboy fan. In Dallas camp, Moose Johnston. Moose Johnston voted for Trump, bro. See how I threw brov on the end of it to let you know he's worldly?

Don't name any more of my picks. Shady, who is that offensive lineman for the Cowboys? Leon Lett. Who's like the strongest dude in the world? Larry Allen. Larry Allen! Yeah, I met him once. That guy was fucking dope.

I met him once. You did? Yeah, he makes you look like a baby with a mustache. I bet his hand is like a fucking catcher's mitt, dude. It's the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God. Y'all know that? He literally blocked out the sun.

He could bench like 800 pounds. He was fucking crazy. Anyway, Chris Long. A little less than you, okay? Yeah, right. Well, I'm putting up 320, dog. About three bills over here every day he's doing that. Chris Long, he's Howie Long's son, so.

Oh, that's right. He played for Virginia? Yeah, he played for Virginia. Yeah, I do like that guy. He's just like a fucking good-ass dude. His priorities are straight. He donated his entire salary last year to, if my phone worked, I'd tell you, but like a good cause. I'll tell you this.

Pat Jordan sat on a plane with Howie Long one time and would not shut the fuck up about it. They talked about Skechers the whole time. Eagles defensive end Chris Long is donating his entire 2017 base salary to benefit educational charities. Yeah. That's a man right there. That's a fucking man educational charities. Yeah. That's a man right there. That's a fucking man right there. Yeah, sounds like a tax write-off to me. No, it's not.

What charity? No. What charity? Educational. Don't be a coward. Name him. David. He's also building wells in Africa.

That's a big thing for him. What you guys couldn't see is that. Sounds like another tax write-off, dog. Ian was reading that in Mandarin. Ni hao. Which brings him to his fourth pick, the guy from Tiananmen Square. I'm telling Chris Long.

That guy was in it for the Instagram pictures. Okay. I can't believe this made it this long, but with my fourth pick... Is it going to be who I think it is? With my fourth pick, the star of stage and screen and the movie Philadelphia, Tom Hanks! Yes!

Somebody stood up! Somebody stood up for that pick. That was amazing. Oh, boy! He is incredible. He's incredible. He's incredible. I watched Larry Crown the other day and enjoyed it.

Like, that's the movie about a... The Terminal. Yeah. That movie should fucking blow. That movie's pretty dang. Sean and I saw Captain... Splash. Sean and I saw Captain Phillips together. We walked out of the theater and he just goes,

Tom Hanks acting as fucking Dick Hall. And then we went to a bar. That one scene at the end of when they finally rescue him and he's just like, oh shit. And they put a blanket on him. Wow. If you don't get goosebumps during that scene, you're a prick and I hate you. You're a prick.

And also punchline. We all have lockers in the back of comedy clubs because that's how the real world is. Shout out to Wes Van Horn and Kristen Rand as well, by the way. And that fat, chubby little baby. Baby Milo. And that cute little baby. Thomas Hanks.

Do you think anyone calls him Thomas? T. Hanks, dude. T. Hanks is obsessed with old typewriters, and if you write him a letter, chances are he will respond with a typed out on a typewriter message. Says fuck you real big on it. He also. Famous, bro.

He also did. Fucking lose my number, dog. He did like the first or second episode of the Late Late Show and really helped us out. Nice. Yeah, yeah. I remember I watched it. Yeah. I haven't watched a goddamn lick of it.

I'll tell you that right now. What do I care? Well, it's keeping a roof over your head. I know it is. I know it is. Look at you ripping everyone's face off with like a real real diss. I'm sorry. I get on this once twice a year. You're poor.

No. That didn't feel like it came from the same place. I am rich in friendship and that's all I've ever given a fuck about. Keep telling yourself that. Tommy Hanks. Yeah, yeah. Tommy Hanks.

David, David, David. Listen. Boys. What's that? Boys, take your feet off the gas, you know? I can't, dude. I know. I only know one speed.

It's go. All right. You can't draft movies. You got to draft people. I got a person. Calm down. Not the best joke I've ever told. Were you referencing the movie Go?

I was. I was. Nah, dude. Yeah, that was weird. Yeah. Let's all reset. Anyways, I just want to paint one picture. I'm not going to do this for every pic.

It's like summertime, 8.30 p.m. in Hamptons. The living's easy. We're on the back deck. We have some type of mushroom appetizer. We're drinking white wine. I pull out a little J. I say, hey, let's have a fun, flirty little time. I light up the J.

I hand it to Angela Bassett. Oh! Like, truly the sexiest woman I've ever seen in my life. Forever and ever and ever. And Angela Bassett smokes the whole thing in one hit. One hit. Power lungs it.

Detroit style. Just so you know, Angela Bassett isn't on claws, Sean. I've been doing my fucking homework. He got you good. Yeah, fuck you. You got to eat your own dick now, dude. Start at the asshole, though. I absolutely loved it.

That's so funny. Angela Bassett, though. Boy, is she great. What an actress. What a class act. She looks like the kind of friend who's going to set you straight. She pulls you in the room. You're at the barbecue, Wylan.

She pulls you in the back room. I'm at the barbecue, Wylan. She pulls you in the back room. I'm at the barbecue, Wylan. You're right. She walks in the door and says, hey, cut the shit. Nobody's going to tell you this. I'm going to tell you this. Cut the shit. Cut the goddamn shit.

I need to cut the shit for her. She's had a Hall of Fame career, and that's just like in the last calendar year alone. Her episode of Master of None was fucking unparalleled. It was so good. And then Homegirl is in fucking the Mission Impossible movie. With Henry Cavill. Seriously. And I mean, waiting to exhale.

She set that dude's car on fire. Yeah. Yes. That shit was beautiful. As much as she is loved, she's like actually underappreciated, which is a very weird thing to be. I'm sorry, guys. I know. Angela Bassett and I.

I don't want to ever be reductive, and I would never. She's so talented and wonderful on so many accounts, but hot. She's so hot, dude. She's so fucking hot. She's so hot. She's so hot. It's crazy. And smart and talented and wonderful and a brilliant person. Yeah, she's dope. And so hot. She's so hot. And smart and talented and wonderful and a brilliant person.

And? She's dope. So hot. She's so hot. And she's just cool as hell. And she's like tight as fuck. You know, as a fitness enthusiast myself, I respect that. See, I'm not a fitness. I've told you before, my D'Angelo's are blown out.

Yeah. My blown out D'Angelo's. Some people call them cum gutters. I call them cum gutters. It's hilarious. You got cum speed bumps. That's because they do slow down a little bit when they see it. Let me restate that we have cum speed bumps.

All right. We, uh... Is it my turn? Yeah. Shane Torres! I am oh Christ Jason Wiggum

I would pick him I would take the punk rock poet laureate Patty Smith for my fourth chance I didn't know you knew the word laureate look at that yeah I think I know what it means. Get the hair out of your face if you're going to talk to me.

Is this the best you're going to do? You fucking booze bag. Shut up. Shut up, dickhead. That one was mean, though. Yeah, I know. I meant for it to be. Did you know she was almost the singer of Blue Oyster Cult?

No. Speaking of that, though, I could use a little more cowbell. Who's thirsty? Don't you give that to him. She's great. I was reading her up on Wikipedia today, and everybody is inspired by her. It's fucking insane. And she wrote a play called Cowboy Mouth, which I'm assuming the band was named after.

She wrote a play called Cowboy Mouth? Yeah, yeah. With Sam Shepard, God rest him. I think John's got a cute little cowboy mouth. Yeah, I do. Are you not drinking this? You can. Okay.

All right, we got to go. Let's just keep moving along. Yeah, I wanted to be brief about it. Patti Smith, how much time do we have left? About 10 minutes, I'd say. About 20 minutes negative, roughly. No, we're good, we're good. We're all right.

15, thanks, Playboy. Zuby, am I up? Thanks, Playboy. Is it me? Am I up? Yep. Double down. Nobody wants to talk about it? Who did you just pick? Patti Smith.

Yeah, it's up to you. All right. I'm going to go. Oh, for your fourth. And then your final pick as well. As it is. As it is. You guys are fucking rad.

I love this so much. No one's ever given a shit about anything I've ever done except for my mother and my friends. But I'm saying this is so cool. And she's not even that hyped on it. I just, yeah. She subscribes but doesn't listen. Good woman. Good woman, Kelly Jordan.

She's a fucking saint. Saint Kelly Jordan. Oh, shout out to Saint Sue Carmel. I love you, mama. Wherever you are. Oh, yeah. Shout out to my mom, too. She's going to listen to this one. I'm not as drunk as I sound, Mommy.

I promise. He's not. He's been very responsible all weekend. Earlier, I saw David help a woman across the street. And then I took her purse. You played the long con. Yeah. That's what I do. It was Betsy DeVos. All right.

All right. Now, this is going to be, I think it'll be well-received. My fourth pick is going to be... Adolf Hitler. Oh, my God. What? Sean. Jesus, Sean.

Oh, no, go ahead. I'm sorry. Well, now I can't pick that, right? Well, hold on. Let me Google. No, Tim Curry is going to be my fourth pick. Oh! Right?

Solid motherfucker. Just like killing the game. And that one, shout out Kelly Jordan. She will fucking shut me up when Tim Curry's on the television. She's in love with him, right? Seriously, dude. Oh, yeah. Love Kelly Jordan. My mom's like that with Gary Payton. She loved him. They are different, Tim Curry and Gary Payton. Gary. She loved him.

They are different, Tim Curry and Gary Payton. I'll tell you what. Maybe not two souls. Why? Because one's black, Sean? Is that what you're all about? Tim Curry was in claws and Gary Payton wasn't. Your mom likes Gary Payton, dude?

Fuck, Gary Payton. The glove? Wow. Is that Gary Payton? Is he the glove? No. It's because they're love. Oh, were you living in Seattle at the time?

Yeah, they're similar, too. They're boisterous small people. I get it. I love it. I love it. They love talking shit. Specific type. They love talking shit.

Talk about Tim Curry, bro. I just like Tim Curry, man. He just seems fucking fun. I was trying to think about the people that I'd want to go have a drink with. They just seem dope. And like my friend in the podcast, Avani Rauf, is saying, the kind of person that would bail you out of jail because maybe they've been there before.

They've done some stuff themselves. And I feel like Tim Curry has probably gotten in some shit, hit it, hit it, you know, hasn't really, that guy's done. Let it be known.

Tim Curry's been in jail. He's talked, he's made friendships behind bars, you know, what's that clue? The movie. Oh yeah. That was my next pick.

It's fucking dank as fuck. I love him? Clue the movie. Oh, yeah. That is a classic. That was my next pick. Clue is fucking dank as fuck. You know what? I love him in Home Alone. Yeah? Is that, he's the butler? Oh, he's the concierge? He's the clerk who's like, listen, you stupid little boy. You can't just live in this hotel.

I'm going to bust you. Because little boys can't live in hotels. That's stupid. I try. We'd be remiss not to mention the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sure. Yeah, oh, man. Shout out to the Clinton Street Theater in Portland, Oregon, playing the Rocky Horror Picture Show for decades on end.

Every fucking Saturday. Jesus Christ, those nights. Every fucking Saturday playing the Rocky Horror Picture Show for a bunch of people. And I'll tell you, is it pick number five yet? For you, Bubby, it is, yes. I'll tell you this right now. I'll tell you this.

To round it out, your boy's picking Bo Jackson. Oh! Bo Jackson seems fucking solid. I'll tell you that right now. Counterpoint. Told the Yankees to go fuck themselves, too. You guys hate excellence. Counterpoint.

Bo Jackson threw a rock at a dog and killed it once. Really? Yep. That's a legend. That's a legend. Let's keep... What they don't tell you, you know who that dog was? I see a... Cerebus,

the three-headed dog that defends hell? Cerberus. I think... I believe we were just told to hurry up. No, that's a ten-minute light. We're fine. Oh, okay. Alright, we're... Oh, tight. Alright, I'm gonna chill. You simple, simple Midwestern

mountain man. Jesus. You know, biggest dick in South Dakota had to move it out. You chiseled-eating buffoon. You man who didn't meet a Jew Simple Midwestern mountain man. Jesus. You know, biggest dick in South Dakota. You chiseled eating buffoon. You man who didn't meet a Jew until you moved to Portland, Oregon. That is crazy. That is crazy. What do you want to do? My dad sucked.

My dad sucked. Talk about Bo Jackson. Why? He just seems dope. The 30 for 30 is what's selling. Did you not see him run up that wall? And also, a double athlete, that's crazy. You've got to be pretty solid.

He's also an excellent archer now. He's a hunter. Is he really? Yeah. I didn't know that he threw a rock at a dog and killed it. I don't like that. Allegedly. That ain't solid.

He's super into chairs. Oh, it wasn't like he threw it at the dog. He was just throwing rocks and there was a dog there. Yeah, the dog got in the way. We both killed the dog on accident. No, he threw the rock at the dog. What, he threw a rock and a dog walked by? Like, oh, what a fun day.

It was an angle situation. It wasn't like, I threw rocks at lots of people's heads. And if I killed one, we couldn't do this podcast anymore? If I killed some dogs? Boys, Bo Jackson seems solid. I killed some dogs, we can't hang out? Because I killed some dogs? Boys, Bo Jackson seems solid. I killed some dogs. We can't hang out? Because I killed some dogs in the 90s? The cops just burst in through the windows.

I've been waiting for you to say it, David. I've got to go to the dog bar. SWAT team, they're like ropes coming down and shit. I like how it was in the 90s, so you were like eight when you killed these dogs. Yeah, I was raw as hell when I was eight. Elizabethans, dude, they get buck. All these people talking all these things about me. What is going on?

Bo Jackson, dog. I'll tell you what's going on. Those three shots of tequila are coursing through the veins right now. I know we're drunk because we've all worn these bandanas four or five times. I fucking pray for the day that you appreciate fashion every

every morning I wake up half an hour earlier than I have to and I light two candles and I pray for the day that you appreciate fashion I appreciate

and it still hasn't fucking happened you're coming in here with a shirt like a rich person's bedspread and I for everybody listening Ian in here with a shirt like a rich person's bedspread. For everybody listening, Ian does not have a shirt on, so that was a weird joke. And you look great.

And I appreciate that I have a style. I have a style. I wear so many different denim jackets. Hey, let's do this right now, goddammit. You repeat everything I say. I got non-different denim jackets jackets and each one of them has a different explosions in the sky CD in the pocket. Man, that Emmy burn really

upset me. Oh, great. Oh, great. I love you. I miss you so much. I wonder why I moved to New York instead of LA. Pick something, shithead. You love you. I miss you so much. I know. I wonder why I moved to New York instead of L.A. I picked something, shithead. Because you love misery. You love misery.

I'm going with the one, the only, Tina Turner. Oh. I had such a kick of her. I was listening to this podcast because I wasn't sad enough. And I was on a flight, and I just got super into her Wikipedia page. Was that your 37th flight of the year, roughly? No, it was way more than that. I fly all the time. That's a joke, you guys.

Zach will get it. Anyways, I got a invite. I was reading everything about her. They talked about what's love got to do with the movie. She was just like, why the fuck? Somebody asked some reporter, do you want to see the movie?

She's like, why the fuck would I want to see that? And she was just like, why the fuck? Somebody asked some reporter, do you want to see the movie? She's like, why the fuck would I want to see that? And she was just like, just kind of gave a money symbol. Yeah, talk about Angela Bass. I Don't Need Another Hero is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard. Oh man, I don't even know the way home! Yeah, yeah. She's incredible. Have you seen her in Mad Max?

Yeah, and I think she just lives in Sweden now. It doesn't want to be fucked. It's great. She's incredible. That's tight. This is Barter Town! That's like how Enya lives in Sweden now. It doesn't want to be fucked. It's great. She's incredible. That's tight. And I'm the greatest legs in rock and roll. Here's Barter Town. That's like how Enya lives in a castle in Ireland. That's how you know you really made it. You can just like fuck off. The fame will be there when I come back.

I live in a cave in Croatia. I'm sorry. You can't even tell me. Also, she was going to be my pick, so it's no spoilers. But what I was going to say was that party that I had with Angela Bassett where I smoked the weed, I go upstairs and I catch Tina coming out of the bathroom. We go in there and we do a key bump. That's what I feel like.

I feel like Tina Turner does cocaine twice a year. Off of that dude's keys. Yeah. Like twice, just because she's- Tina's got it under control. I feel like you're going to be doing, there's going to be some key bumps without Tina Turner. That hair, when Tina- Well, I'm not counting myself out.

When Tina had that fucking like- Mom, I'm not doing cocaine. Like the big feathered ass mane. It was so tight. Oh, the blowout? The blowout? And also... Welcome to border town.

So you just want Mad Max specific... Did you hear what happened? Nobody responded. Nobody. Wow. That was a great joke. I heard someone check their phone when you said that. I heard the soft impact.

Just the iPhone button just pressed. I heard thumb flush against the glass screen. Somebody checked an Android. You know what they were checking? They were deleting this episode before it came out. See that again. Again. Fuck y'all.

Fell on deaf ears, my friend. Nobody ears into your anti-AFE humor, you. If a weak joke pops at Three Kings, does anybody hear it? No, they don't. I love you, dude. I'd do anything for you. Holy crap. Buy his album.

I really would. I would kill for you or I would die for you. David, what do you got? This is my last pick? Yeah. Word on the street. I feel like Ian's got something in his pocket here. Oh, that's what I'm worried about.

I got so many choices. I could zig or I could zag. Zag, dude. Yeah, I'd say zag. Zag. I should zag. Zag. Oh, shit.

Conflicting views. I say charge in their head first and fuck them up. Damn, dog. This is fucked. David's masturbating. It wasn't funny. I don't know why I said it. I was thinking this one.

Yeah, that's a good one. Go with that. No, it's too easy. I'm going with this one. I got to listen to my heart. I got to listen to my heart. I can't wait to tell you guys what he was about to pick. No, I'm pressing the wrong thing.

My last pick, boy, he has just influenced me pretty much from the seventh grade on. He wore a lot of pink. First black guy I ever saw do that. Dipset forever. Dipset, Dipset, Dipset. I'm picking Cameron, man. Get your wet wipes. He taught me how to be myself.

Got me saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-damn. You probably thought Cameron was here for a second, right? I did. Or a strip club DJ. Anyways, he taught me how to be myself. I love him so much. He's so funny. He's an athlete.

He was great at basketball. Sure. He makes a bunch of fucking money. He's so fun. He's so much fun. Hell yeah. Cameron is my fifth and final pick. Cameron's dope, man. I'm so much fun. Hell yeah. Cam'ron is my fifth and final pick. Cam'ron's dope, man.

I'm right there with you. Yep. One layer of frosting on that cake, you know? That's all you need. What do you got? There were so many people I wanted to take with this final pick. You are Jewish. I would have loved to have taken Harvey Fierstein.

Oh, you're shouting him out. I would have loved to have taken Jonah Hillierstein. Oh, you're shouting him out. I would have loved to have taken Jonah Hill, who is a solid dude. I would have loved to have taken Missy Elliot. I feel like you're cheating. And I would have loved to have taken either Rhea Perlman or 2 Chainz, but

damn. Now that you're done cheating, what do you got? Those are all... I'm just doing the we didn't take them but one second earlier. Yeah, I didn't know. No, I'm just being a dick. Now I regret my next pick, you old son of a bitch. Because if we're taking solid dudes,

if we're taking solid motherfuckers, and I'm sorry to do this twice in a month, but I have to take the solidest motherfucker I've ever met in my entire life. I have to take a man who is a beacon of positivity

even in the most bleak, stressful, anxiety ridden times. I have to take someone who is my best friend someone who I love with every part of my heart I have to take someone

who is positive not just on a micro level Jesus Christ shut up but on a macro level someone who has spread love and good vibes and good energy on a level that is unparalleled, someone who you love, someone who I love. I have to take Oprah. No, I'm just joking. I have to take Sean Jordan.

Horseshit! Horseshit! Horseshit Horseshit Horseshit Fuck that I call shenanigans I call shenanigans on you Sit the fuck down Oh my god

You Denver Rupes You fucking suckers I have walked Oh Christ I got some magic beans to sell you Shut the fuck up. I have. You fucking suckers. I have walked. Oh, Christ. I have walked. I got some magic beans to sell you. Shut the fuck up, Shane. I have walked.

Also, you picked him over us. I have walked. Yes, I did. I have walked this earth for 33 years, coming on 34. And I have never met someone whose heart is as pure as Sean Jordan. I'll counter that with what about St. Sue Carmel? Right? No, I said what about St. Sue Carmel?

What a time for the light, by the way. Oh, no. St. Sue Carmel, everything you think about this man is true. Everything that you assume from the podcast is true. He's the sweetest, kindest, most supporting, loving person. And he's buff and he's best. We all are. Everybody is.

We all are. You cry? You cry? I just was like a lot. People were videotaping it. I looked like a snow cold coward. David and Shane, I love you from the bottom of my heart too. It doesn't feel like it anymore. You understand why we have to make this moment.

Yeah, I get it. You guys both understand, right? What a time would this be for you to tell Sean to move out. Yeah, really. And your shit's on the lawn. Right next to your fucking car that doesn't work. I turned the trunk into a planter. And I put Nicole out there and she's married.

Nicole! Nicole! Nicole! I will back Ian up on this. We couldn't do a solid motherfucker draft without talking about Sean Jordan. It would be impossible. I was talking shit, but I completely agree. Boy, he's helped me out.

Dog, you are... I'm going to start crying again. It should be impossible how good of a person you are. Here's what I'll say. Thank you. And I'll tell you what happens is you're the kind that cannot do the splits. If I could do the splits,

I'd be on the table doing them with Shane eating my butthole the whole time. And I'd be shoving him right off this god damn table and not feeling bad. The people around me make me who I am. So you guys make a movie. If I'm a good person, it's because of everyone that I've

been lucky enough to surround myself with my whole life and getting to do this and doing stand-up. Everybody in this fucking room, just being here, supporting, having fun, doing something fun, it's amazing. And we need to do more of that shit. We will. See, that is not a lazy hand job.

All right. Also, we got to go. Let me land the plane. I got to land the plane really quick. Okay, so we were drafting solid motherfuckers, and Sean, you went first. Yeah, I did. And you took Kyle Chandler.

Yeah, boy. And then Queen Latifah. Yeah. And then Michael Keaton. And then Tim Curry and then Bo Jackson. That's dope. Shane Torres,

you went second. You took Roberto Duran. Fuck off. Easy. You wouldn't boo him to his face, you fucking sissies. He punched a horse. Yeah, Sean picks Bo Jackson, killed a dog. My guy just hit a horse.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He took Roberta Duran and then Chris Christopherson, Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Patti Smith and Tina Turner. Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah. David Bowie, you went third. You took Tony the Tiger. Dolly Parton.

Benny the Jet Rodriguez. Angela Bassett. And Cameron. Look at him. I went last. I went last and I took LeBron James. Adele. Chris Long,

Tom Hanks, and the pride of Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Sean Jordan. You guys are the best. This is amazing. We left a lot of good people on the board. Tom Cruise is still on the table somehow. He's seen a lot of good shit. Scientology is very fucking... Anyway, we left a lot of good people on the board. Tom Cruise is still on the table somehow. He's the fucking college shit.

Scientology is very fucking... Anyway, we left a lot of good people on the board. It's not worth talking about, but I will say this. Thank you to everyone for drafting. It's a pleasure to be here. Shane Torres, the best motherfucker in the world. Thank you guys so, so, so... You're a great crowd, truly.

Real quick, real quick. Big shout-outs to everyone on Twitter. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod. Send in the emails. Send us emails at allfantasypodcasts at gmail.com. It picks our day up just as much. I mean, it's amazing reading those. We read them.

We see them. We love them. We'll respond. Shout-out to super producer Marissa back in LA. Oh, yeah. Shout-out to everyone on Twitter, on Instagram. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything subreddit. We love you.

Yep, yep, yep. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Saltines, bro. Shout out to Saltines, dog. Unsalted and salted Saltines. And more important. Oh, shit.

Most important of all uh oh bye Shane's album tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything Schmackity that was a hate gun podcast