All Fantasy Everything - Stress Relievers (w/ Jason Concepcion, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: February 10, 2022

We all have a lot on our minds right now and the GVG has got you covered! This week we're joined by Jason Concepcion to draft Stress Relievers! Grab a bat or a squish ball and have a listen!�� Episode Guest: @netw3rk IG: @x_netw3rk_x Podcasts: X-Ray Vision & Takeline Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @marsmel IG: @mars.melSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting stress relievers. Our guest today is writer, editor, gamer, reader, NBA superfan, and dear friend of the podcast, Jason Concepcion.

Jason hosts the weekly YouTube series, All Caps NBA, as well as the podcast, Take Line and X-Ray Vision. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. And with me, as always, are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that polished off of Topo Chico right before we started recording, and I'm feeling bubbly. You had the seltzer versions, man? You had those with alcohol in them? Yeah.

Yeah. Ooh. Oh, have I had the ones with alcohol in them? Yeah. You know, seltzer just means sparkling water. Not to me, it doesn't. Not anymore. Okay.

It's been stolen. It means malt liquor. Seltzer is just like another word. You know, like that's why they call it a hard seltzer. No, not to me. Now seltzer, it means got alcohol in it. They're all fun now. All of them.

So what's the hard seltzer now? If this regular seltzer is the alcohol seltzer, what's the hard seltzer? You pour it in the barrel of a shotgun and drink it that way. Oh, my God. Yeah. You use the shotgun like a straw and then just pour it in. Now, that's doing shots.

That's doing shots. Do buck shots. Shot, shot, shot. Buck shots, dude. Buck shots? Yeah. Oh, my God. Man.

I think that's your bar. Dude, that is sick yeah i'm gonna get a sweatshirt that says that the next time i go to vegas is gonna you should get a fucking venue that says that yeah fuck shots dude it would be cool if you open in a bar right have we talked have you approached that with her she's cool with much more than most people think she's cool with yeah yeah but you opening a bar yeah i think she'd be cool with me opening a bar as long as i could like make money yeah yeah that's that's that's one of the big right one of the big things okay but what does what if it what if it was this is just for the love we're gonna lose money on we're gonna take

a bath on this bar but it's gonna be culturally important okay i see then yeah it's gonna be important to shot culture yeah shot culture dude buckshot culture we need a skate bar in portland that's not uh staffed by a jerk yeah whoa wow i tried to go me and dana schwartz tried to go to oh yeah yes dude that tea kettle was whistling, boy. It was not whistling. I'll tell you that. I just stood up for myself. I wasn't a prick to anybody. No, you actually, no, I take it back.

You weren't like hot, but I'm just. He was a prick to me. We were in Portland. It was snowing outside. I forget the name of the skate bar. And Dana and I were meeting Sean Jordan for a meal and some drinks. Cat's paw. Cat's paw.

Wow. We went in there. Flaming him. Flaming him. Well, you can't be. We went in there. Flaming them. Go ahead. And then I'll talk. Drop them in the crosshair. We went to Cat's paw and I walked in. I had to pee real bad, but Dana sat down and I walked up to the bartender

and I was like, hey, you guys got a bathroom? And then I forget exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of, oh we don't say hello no he goes he goes he goes it's uh it's in the back and also i'm doing fine and you're like yeah that's what it was it's in the back and also i'm doing fine i said hello i was like hey uh do you guys have a bathroom it's in the back and also i'm doing fine like and then i'm supposed to sit there i can't sit there after that here's my thing the bar is

amazing everybody that works everyone i've encountered is amazing but that's it's a tale as old as time with skateboarding you get that one person who like spits on the bus driver or whatever and then you're like well now everybody hates now everybody hates skateboarders because you did that and that's what they it's like if you go to a stand-up show and the one time you've been there the comic is an absolute shit bag yeah and they hate stand-up can't imagine what it's like to be lumped in with lumped into a group by the captions of one i cannot wrap my head around it this guy also came at me with some like fucking like like a substitute teacher or fucking like stepdad energy and i'm doing fine also you're a grown-up is there some like we're both grown dudes i don't need to

yeah i didn't i didn't doff my cap what the fuck are we talking about here this is a skate bar you should have sat down and just and just made him tell you how he is doing let's get for the next hour and just be like sir like what's going on with you how maybe he was doing for the next hour and just be like, sir, what's going on with you? Maybe he was doing really bad. Maybe he needed it. I think clearly he was doing pretty bad. That doesn't happen if he's having a good day. How's your relationship with your father?

Let's start at the beginning. How's your girlfriend? How's your girlfriend, man? You with someone right now? Where is she? Do you feel like you're worthy of love right now like yeah no it's it's a bummer because that place is i like it a lot so it seemed cool i was stoked to do it but i was about to go pee i'm sure in a urinal that didn't have uh borders on the side of it or in a toilet in a stall that

didn't have a door on it it was that kind of bar and we have to exchange pleasantries i hate a urinal without borders you guys ever seen a trough like the fairs in the midwest like a p-tron yeah yeah everybody's gonna pee outside i don't i don't know what i'm saying it's like everyone's judgment call as to how close they want to be and i don't care but i've had i mean i've like been touching before when you're like this is is crazy. Remember? No, elbows. I've been, my first encounter, my first encounter with a trough was I was a child. Yeah. Oh, in a baseball game?

Yeah, in a baseball game. And it sucks because like, I can't even get my, like my sack over the rim at that point in time. And so like, what am I going to do? You know,

how, how am I going to get this done, folks? Like somebody help me out. You're like, you're I going to do? You know, how, how am I going to get this done? Folks, somebody help me out. You're like, you're like the wieners or the dude wieners are up to your neck. You're down there. You're like neck and neck with a bunch of construction workers. You're neck and neck with neck, dude. Your neck.

I'm just like amongst, I'm amongst the hogs at the hog trough. And I need to be higher than that. I need to get up higher to get this going. Mo Man loses in that situation. Does he ever. Can I get a little flower box or something on the ground?

We could have that. Or a little JR trough, dude. Just for the kids. They need a baby trough. Or a stool. Like a step stool to. Oh, they need a baby trough. Baby trough, dude. Or a stool. Like a step stool to stand on?

Or like a concierge doing the suit, handing out mints and also like holding kids up so they can pee, dude. What do you tip for that? Two bucks a piss? That's two bucks a piss.

Allow me, sir. Industry rate going right, two bucks a piss, dude. Yeah, you got it. Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but notice your sack didn't quite make it over the edge.

Let me help with that. God, that was a piss. Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but notice your sack didn't quite make it over the edge. Let me help with that. God, it was a different country back then. It really was. You still see troughs every now and then, but it was like every stadium a trough. Dudes were just more comfortable pissing next to each other. What was America like? I think we just saw more. So I just saw Jackass last night.

And I think that we just used to be more comfortable seeing ween yeah probably as a whole because there was a ton of ween in that movie yeah there was and it was hilarious but then i walked away and i was like i don't know the last time i saw that much ween in a movie once i remember seeing a lot of a lot of dick and balls in the in the locker room at the middle and jewish community center when I was a kid. A lot of old man dick and balls. And again, right at eye level because I was a little dude. Yeah.

Remember when you were a kid, the man dick and balls is like. It's like an elephant's trunk. It is a lot. Apparently, yeah. You're like, this whole situation's not like mine. It's like when. It's discolored for some reason? It's like standing at the foot of Godzilla and trying to reckon with what I'm seeing.

Because if there's so much to it- But also one day knowing that you will grow into your own Godzilla. I couldn't understand how. How will it get there? I didn't think that was- Yeah, I was in the same boat where I'm like, no way, that ain't gonna happen to me.

There's not a- And there's not a- Thank God it did. Yeah I'm like, no way. That ain't going to happen to me. Thank God it did. Yeah, I agree. It's not still the size it was when I was four, but it's like you just can't wrap your mind around it. Not me. Shots in the locker room, not me. No way. I'm not taking that

ride, you perverts. You're not getting S.J. You must be thinking of somebody else, my friend. I'm thinking of somebody else my friend i'm thinking of buck shots i'm gonna have it i'm gonna have a tiny little guy that's not my life that's it there's not a good angle to see a penis but definitely not uh upwards you know what i mean situation under from under no that's not where you want to not gazing up yeah no that's not it looks later yeah no i think it's probably best in profile if you had to pick one. In profile?

Like nicely silhouetted. What amount of hardness are we talking about when in profile? I think because I agree with you in profile is the way. Three quarters. But like a three, yeah. Oh, let's ask it one quarter.

One quarter. So there's a rise to it. Right, some shape to it, but it's not aggressive. So, okay, I went in the other day to the doctor to talk about getting a vasectomy, which I will be doing. You know hard.

It was a good thing I had the mask on. He pulled out the diagram, and it's like a four out of five on the phoner scale. Had you never seen a penis before? Was that your first time seeing it? It was so big in the diagram, and I just wanted to be like, they're not always that big, dude. It's most of the time it's not even close to that big.

Because it was all healthy and girthy looking and you're like, sure, sometimes it looks like that. Most of the time it doesn't look a thing like that. It looks like much, much tinier than it's at. I'm not feeling represented by the diagrams you're bringing out. I'm sorry. I thought you were a

European doctor. Do you have a diagram that really kind of gets by on its personality and just hope that's enough like a life full of laughter is enough for the women interested in it It is so hard to talk about that stuff and not laugh I mean I just have such a hard time Were you using the real terms It is so hard to talk about that stuff and not laugh.

I just have such a hard time. Were you using the real terms? Were you like, are you guys going to snip my bad dude? What's better? So you go in under the hog, right? I'm doing stand-up about this.

It's almost verbatim what you two just said. It's like you know exactly how i talk but yeah so what's up are you gonna are you gonna die hard three are you gonna blow up the tunnel what's going on i'm gonna blow up the i feel i mean after watching a a birth the whole pregnancy and a birth and everything if i expect her to do one more thing then i'm an asshole so i figured go get snipped and that's the least i could do right you can get it done that day. Like you can drive yourself home, right? Yeah. Well, I ain't gonna be doing all that.

But he said... You can do like yard work right afterwards. I'll probably be out for a couple of weeks. I'll probably need to go to LA to recuperate. I feel like you can put a shed up and actually knock out a lot of the chores. Really? Because you actually can't bone for like a week or two.

So you're good to just sort of focus on stuff that needs to be done around the house. No you actually can't bone for like a week or two. So you're good to just sort of focus on stuff that needs to get done around the house. No, I think I'll just probably come down to LA and recover, you know, hang out for a while with my kids. I don't think you should fly. The altitude change might, you know, scramble the eggs. I'm really scared about, because I was asking the guy, I was like, is it going to hurt the first time I, you know,

I go nuts afterwards? And he was like, it's not going to, you know, you have to produce a sample, I guess, to bring it back in to make sure. I don't think you'll ever go nuts again and he was like it's not gonna you know you have to produce a sample i guess to bring it back i don't think you'll ever go nuts again no no nuts it just it seems like it's gonna hurt because they cut this tube and you're like well how how's i don't know like if the tube was there then something's gonna smash through the tube and it feels like that's gonna hurt but it doesn't it just goes goes into your body. So what we're talking about, I believe, I don't know,

is like the fluid comes out, but the stream by which the salmon would have reached the sea. The venue's open, but there's nobody in the building. There's a firm but no seam, and I believe is what he said. And then I laughed under my mask.

I will say, I don't know about doing it, but I know that now when you go swimming, you should not dive down too fast or your penis will explode. That's true. You'll get the wiener bends. How far down do you think I go when I swim? Not as deep as you used to, I promise. Even five feet could explode your whole penis.

It's very true. Yeah, it's a pressure situation. Well, maybe then it'll look like the diagram for once. No, it's going to look like the diagram for once. It's going to look like a novelty cigar blew up. It's a girl. Like someone stuck a gun in Daffy Duck's mouth and then it's like his...

You got to pull it from the back and your dick hole's going to have piano keys in it. It's going to say Acme real big on the side. Sean, you're still... I might understand, you're still throwing ropes. That's not an issue. See, all this is what I want to say to the doctor.

I asked him in so many words, yes. I didn't say, Doc, am I going to be throwing ropes? Doc, am I still busting ropes? Is that still happening? You do. You do. So you can still take zinc and maximize your effort and stuff. Yeah, I'll still take zinc and maximize your effort and stuff. Yeah, I'll still take zinc.

You take zinc, right? Are you not taking zinc? That's what I'm saying. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'll keep taking zinc. I'll keep doing it. They put it in a powder. You can just put it in your drink.

Oh, I'm a smoothie guy now, man. I became a smoothie guy about four days ago. I'll put some powder in there. Put some smoothie? What's your smoothie, Sean? It's just like zinc powder in a burrito. Zinc powder, old English, some cigarette butts. Savory smoothies, dude.

Sean's savory smoothies Jordan. He's just like, I'm going to go skate. Or bust ropes. Buckshot Smoothie House, dude. Buckshot Smoothie House. That is a business that needs a jingle. Where I give you a heavy pour in each smoothie. Yeah.

Oh, you want a whiskey float on that? Too bad. Then go somewhere else. This one's called the old crow and strawberries. Oh, my God. And zinc. And just a warning for the next week after you ejaculate, you're going to be like pouring concrete every single time.

So just be careful. It's coming out thick. Like oatmeal? What are we going to do this for three hours? That guy is going to be pouring concrete. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. A lot of those. Dude, I poured concrete with Sharpie one time,

not in the way that we were just talking about, but for real. Yeah, right. They met at the trough. It's all going to sound so perverted because we were just talking about it like it was jizzing, but I had the hose wrapped around my neck. I was holding it up, and sharpie had a cig in his mouth it's exactly how i thought it would go it's such an easy time and i was i was struggling so oh yeah when you get in situations like that you realize chris charpentier is a man

a man he's like not afraid of anything and he's very strong. I was like, no. I'm all not good. You're wrapped up in the hose. I had the hose around my neck. I was like on a board and ready to fall at any moment. He's just like, you're good. I was like, no, man. I really need $100, though,

so I'm going to stay for the whole day. Oh, man. Look, not the first time somebody's poured concrete for $100. If I could real quick, Minneapolis, Minnesota, February 18th and 19th, Comedy Corner Underground, Rochester, February 20th, I'll be at a particular record store. We don't have the venue nailed down yet, but I'll be there.

Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Boss's Comedy Club, February 25th, and then Denver, I'm doing the Grawlix onbruary 26th so a nice little run for your boy so get tickets and come see me please and um we're all y'all when are you when are you when are you in denver september or uh february 26th february 26th oh what are you doing i'm not not coming, but I just wanted to know. I'm not even going to be there. Why'd you get me all stoked? I don't know. I'm mean, dude. February 26th, I'm in Denver.

If it was later in the year, February 26th, I'm not going to be able to swing. Well, we're going to have to swing some suits, me and you, man. It's going to be... We are. I've got to come up to Portland. We've got to get you that suit made, dude. I just want to see it. Are you getting Indochino, too?

Indochino. Or you've got to come down here and we've got to do the fitting. But we can talk about that off the pot no we gotta figure it out i don't know what to do i'm so interested thank god you're going because i don't know i i whenever i have to do shit like that i end up getting sidelined and talked into whatever by the person there what you're gonna want to do luckily rhymes with suit because it's zoot dude we're gonna get a zoot suit i am gonna get a zoot suit man yeah that would be crazy you just dress like the man yeah dude listen to the cherry poppin daddies it's gonna be a zoot suit riot at your wedding big hat dude big hat long feather bro

long feather good dude long feather ostrich feather Sean do you take Laura to be your lawful native wedded wife maybe

just a big swipe of the hat I'm still thinking yeah dude that's why I can't have a regular hat I can only have a baseball hat

I would touch the brim too much oh yeah like I'd use it for too many like too many I'd use it for everything like do you want That's why I can't have a regular hat. I can only have a baseball hat. I would touch the brim too much. Yeah. Like I'd use it for too many, like too many. I'd use it for everything. Like, do you want another beer? You got to save moves for later. Yeah.

You would think that. See hats, non-basketball hats. I'm the same way. I'm a baseball hat person, but hats with brims. Those are for tall people. Like you got to have a certain body shape. If like, if I wore, if I wore like a hat with a brim, I you gotta have a certain body shape. Whoa. I don't know. If I wore, like, a hat with a brim,

I would look like a thumbtack. Like, you'd wanna just press down on my head and press me down into the ground. It's like, it's just one of those things where, like,

short kings, I gotta be the truth teller here, you just gotta be honest about what your silhouette looks like if you have that brim hanging over your body. Interesting.

Oh my god, that's such a, it's like fat guys and vests yeah yeah can't do it just not for us man it's fine what about that dude in uh eight mile what about um the guy from ballers that was in eight mile he wore a vest he looked pretty good none of the dudes in eight mile looked cool no that guy can't wear a vest dude they did too look cool no way they all look broke as hell that was the point 8 Mile that movie came out and they literally dressed like me and my friends

yeah I was also wearing baggy sweatpants to work there wasn't one thing I was also wearing baggy sweatpants to work. There wasn't one thing aspirational about that movie. No, no, no. Have I told you guys this? My first idea, I'm sure many a comedian,

but my first actual idea for doing stand-up was to go up and do like an eight mile parody and i would have been i didn't do it boy which i really which eight mile scene that like what part of it come on man i was gonna fuck my girl yeah i was gonna be like yeah wink factor no i was gonna get up and and be like uh yeah this is like my eight mile or what it but with stand-up who knows it makes me want to puke just even saying that i thought about it you do have to save some moves for later so it's like now's a great time for you to do that yeah well and that you know if i would have done it then that's why they would have called it windowpane and i'll tell you that for sure that's fair i also say that speaks to like when you first start stand-up you always want to write about what it's like being on stage

like they give a fuck nobody cares yeah like this is like you know what this is like for me nobody gives a shit man talk about the bus you know how scary and cool this is for me yeah i'm living my dreams aren't you guys they're like no it's tuesday no dude my dream was that there wasn't going to be stand-up at this bar, me and my friend went to. Exactly. That's my dream right now. David Borey is here. CoolGuyJoke77 on Instagram. Not on Twitter, baby.

Not on Twitter. Not on Twitter. How are you doing, buddy? I'm good, you know. This year is moving man this year's gonna be a bunch of cool stuff at the end of the year that you guys will like or maybe you fucking don't i don't care man i don't like it david i love this place i love this energy i love where you're at right now you want my dates because i'll fucking give them out man i don't give a shit fuck you if you're listening to this fuck you fuck you if you live in trinidad colorado and you're gonna be around on february 26th

fuck you man pull your car over and get out yeah hey also march 17th and 19th if you live in calgary alberta and you're near the laugh shop i don't give a fuck you asshole send me 30 dollars if you listen to this yeah yeah hey april 7th to 9th the grove comedy club lowell arkansas kiss my grits fuck you fuck you fuck you but do come to riot comedy club in houston texas you're gonna want to check that one out yeah that's gonna be good i'll be i'll be i'll be doing good stuff love and respect to paul wall and everyone else in houston texas but yeah come out i might i'm very funny right now you don't want to miss it i would love to see you do stand

up soon it's been way too long it's in a good weird place can i say this i'm having a lot of fights with the audiences i i also feel really funny right now it's fun you're really yes i do in fact yeah i recorded a set like last night that i'm gonna can we just all be in fucking la at the same time yeah here pretty soon it has to happen when was the last time oh i guess high planes that was not that doesn't count no it doesn't that's what i was just like that doesn't count when the last time we hung out we didn't really really hang out with anyone i'll cook cook dinner. I'll use my sous vide, which I got. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You wanted to drop it. How is that going? I got a fucking sous vide and I made lamb chops. What is that? It's like you cook by vacuum sealing the meat and keeping it in a circulated water bath that is kept at a consistent temperature. Fuck you.

And that meat comes out juicy. Man, I had some steak out of a sous vide one time. Shout out to Shocker. You should talk to Shocker. He's a sous vide king. I won't talk to Shocker, dude. Him and I aren't on a steak in terms. Well, now that you guys are both sous vide guys,

you can't get past what happened? No. Okay. If anything, it's made the Gulf wider. Oh, damn. Yeah. Well, it was harsh. I'll body slam shocker through whatever whatever's in front of us you know slide it over he's getting slammed through it shocker i shocked i made some homemade hummus that i tried make it fucking delicious that kid can do anything yeah he's amazing he

really is great but i'm out here sous vide when you when you guys are in la i'll sous-vide a fucking brisket okay how long does it take it's like 72 hours like 72 hours to sous-vide it okay and you just really put it in there with all the all the all the spices and stuff and you just vacuum like a rub put a little liquid smoke in there and then just off to the races it's not it's not a cold it's not smoking it it's not but it's you know makes the meat very tender and that i'm excited about i'm all for it yeah we'll hop on the text chain and figure that out yeah i just got my air fryer so yeah you did oh yeah jason i love the air fryer i mean the air fryer is here's the thing I love about the air fryer is I had all these incredibly ambitious

plans. Everything that I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to make my own cereal. I'm going to like... Wait, what? You can make cereal in the air fryer. You can make cornflakes. I only make wings pretty much.

The only thing I make in the air fryer is everything that you would eat in seventh grade lunch. Pizza with ranch. Tater tots, pizza with ranch, and chicken fingers. That's all that comes out of there at any given time. You can make your own Flamin' Hot Cheetos like all the cool girls. Really? Really. No, I don't know.

I was just guessing. David. Oh, by the way, I just for work, they sent me these Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch. I just saw those today at Plaid Pantry. Be careful, man. That's all I'm going to say. Tread lightly. Nope.

Nope. If I'm getting snipped, I'm not treading lightly ever again. You have my interest. Now you have my attention. All right? Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch It's like one of those things that you think would go good together And then it sucks

Oh Does that make sense? You're like Basketball and trampolines That'd be great but really it's just everyone gets hurt Oh my god Shocker just texted me I swear to god

that's hilarious speak of the devil david you don't remember slam ball because not everybody got hurt the only thing that got hurt was my tv slam ball was dope slam ball was dope but it didn't catch on basketball but it didn't catch on it's still dope i mean you know anyway well then eat those chips i'm gonna eat those fucking chips keep it fucking artisan and dip flaming hot cheetos in a ranch dressing you know what i mean barefoot contessa dude that's me i'm out here i'm making my own shit i don't need i don't need to buy it from the store is it weird that for years i thought that was some kind of erotica no no it sounds like it 100 sounds like it i still don't know what it is i don't know what that means what the barefoot contessa it's on it it's on at 2 a.m on showtime emmanuel

and the barefoot contessa oh man emmanuel emmanuel queen of the galaxy yeah really did she did she did numbers everywhere she was she was holding it down for us when there was no other way to get that kind of material. Remember Red Shoe Diaries and stuff? She was crisscrossing the globe doing fuck research. She was going to space and doing that shit. Yeah, she went to space. Really? It was like a whole series and that was seriously the premise?

It's tight. That's awesome. I'm sure they still got versions of that. Don't they still, like if you go on HBO, I wouldn't know. Don't they still have, like, those softcore porns and stuff on HBO and Showtime and stuff? Like, can't you go just find them? I don't know. I feel like it would ruin it if I could just, like, watch it whenever I wanted.

Yeah, that was kind of the magic of it was just, like, finding it at 1.30. You got the Showtime app, Sean. Check it out. You know what I watch on there. The Wood, the brothers. I do know what you watch on there. Every Omar Epps movie ever. Continue watching Higher Learning again,

but it's always in a different spot a little farther back. Sean's watched Higher Learning every night, like all the way through. I watched Higher Learning like three times last month because it was on there. Oh, you know I watched Deep Cover the other day. Deep Cover is a great movie. Oh, yeah.

That's another Omar Epps movie. Revolutionary movie. Dude, Lawrence Fishburne is billed as Larry Fishburne in that movie. Yeah, dude, Larry. He was Larry. He was a kid, too. Yeah, I didn't know that. You see like Earl Cornbread and Me and all those kind of movies? I'll tell you what, Larry Fishburne

is beautiful. He's a good one. I saw him one time at the weed store, and it was really my only big L.A. famous guy sighting, and it was pretty awesome. That's a famous guy. He's big and thick now, too, and still just gorgeous. He was standing in front of the weed store

looking like, you guys can't see, but he was looking kind of sideways, and he had his sunglasses halfway down the front. It was amazing. It was amazing. What was he getting? Oh, he wasn't even inside. He was just looking in. Oh, shit.

I don't think I need the weed after that. Yeah. Furious Styles checking out the weed that he wants? Jason Concepcion is here. Hi. At Network with a three, with a N-E-T-W-3-R-K on Twitter. Now on Instagram, that's X underscore Network spelled the same way, underscore X. How are you doing, buddy?

I'm doing great. It's great to see you. That's the emotion that I'm having right now. It's great to see all of you. It's great to have you here. It's great to be here. It's fantastic. I'm getting Sean.

Just the fact that I'm able to get Sean right now while he's still a fertile man. Yeah. You can feel it. All the tubes are still connected. I can feel that vitality that I know now will be gone in some form or fashion later the rope's still there but the actual content of the rope will be different

and it's great to be here in those last moments of you as a man who can father children I'm going to have to go tell Laura that it's not happening after this I'm going the other way. I'm going to, I'm just, it's going to be all sperm, no semen, dude. It's going to be like more of a... I'm getting the other

tube done. A cacophony? Going off! Just like a dust. Just dust. Just sperm dust in a cloud coming out. Like you're blowing off the head of a dandelion. No, you're going to recreate it. It's going to be like pollinating clouds.

Grandma, did you know there was a piano up here? All the dust goes flying off it. I'm not doing this. Why would a grandma be... Why would a piano be there? I was saying there's a dusty piano in the attic, and so the dust from the dusty piano. Why would you put the piano in the attic, and so the dust from the dusty piano. Why would you put the piano in the attic, though?

I get it wasn't great. It wasn't the perfect way to go. Oh, now don't do this. No, come on. I understand. I try to be nice all the time. I mean, it was creative, I'll say that. And you are a creative guy.

I mean, you are creative. Really creative, so rest on that yeah pride of you for that what do you want people to check you out you know check out x-ray vision and take line wherever you get your podcast give us five star ratings and reviews

and then just you know if you like that, if that's the stuff you like, tell your friends. And that's it. That's great. Be a good person in the world. And if you're the person who likes this podcast, All Fantasy Everything, you're going to like that. You're going to like that other stuff.

I would think it was weird if you hadn't checked it out yet. Right. Because the Venn diagram is damn near a circle. Yeah, it's just a big circle. If you haven't, frigging check it out. I'm Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on Jewish Inova app, which I

use on my sous vide. That's right. On my sous vide. Jewish number one scorer in the NCAA right now. Division three. Who cares? Yeshiva? Yeah. Yeah, who cares? I don't care. I i'm stuck yeah ryan ryan terrell goes to a small jewish college right yeah that's right we got jews named ryan now we're moving up to be honest i didn't know you didn't we're mixing in why don't

we probably it's a it feels like an irish name but we're fucking in there. See, I've always thought that Ryan could be anything. Yeah, Ryan is a big anything name. Ryan and Josh. I feel like I've seen Josh's. Josh isn't an Irish name. You get Josh out of there. No, I'm saying they could be anything. Like somebody's a Josh, it could be any race.

I think you're right, but we have to specify. We're talking about R-Y-A-N Ryan, not R-I-O-N Ryan. R-I-O-N Ryan. No, or not R-Y-A-N-N. No, that's a very specific. That's a very specific. That's only Rian Johnson, the director of Knives Out, and a few other people.

Yeah, that's the end of Omario. It's supposed to be R-I-O-N, huh? Yeah. I didn't know that. Shout out to Rian Johnson. Interessante. Big shout out. Prick, what have I got coming up?

Nothing? Nothing in particular? Nothing. You know what name could also be any... Kevin is a big, that could be anybody name. Yeah. Because when I think of Kevin, I think of... I think this is because I grew up with a Kevin.

I think of a white dude with red hair. But then now if I think about all the famous Kevins I know, most of them are black dudes. Yeah. Yeah. The first one that popped into my head was Kevin Avery. Yeah. Mine was Kevin Mack, that old running back for the Browns.

Kevin Hart. Kevin Mack, was that his name? Kevin Hart. Kevin Garnett. Yeah. This guy I worked with at Loaf and Jug used to call me Kevin all the time. Wow. Why?

I don't know. The whole eight months I worked there, he always thought my name was Kevin. Joe was his name. I remember your name! You fuck! Not to drop a name, but something I was talking about with Jason Manzoukas recently is Jason, it's like a dead name now.

Really? Yeah, there are no more Jasons. You don't encounter any young Jasons. And I think... It's because there's too many sages. That could be it. I think it's because, and I'm being serious, I think it's because

the Friday the 13th movies killed it. You think so? I think people were like, I don't want that connotation anymore. Which is crazy because that is an ancient name. It is an ancient name. And the Argonauts.

You know what I mean? That's one of the oldest names the oldest names wow well the argonauts are still popular but yeah jason see i never felt like there was a david wave if we're if we're being honest a dave wave it's always been a peripheral everyone knows one but nobody knows a bunch a day dave is more of an inland sea yeah yeah it's a caspian sea it sea. Yeah, it's a Caspian Sea. It's steady. It's a name of kings though. King David. It is. Kings have a lot of names that people don't always have.

You're like, Martin Luther? Need I go on? Need I go on? How many Luthers do you know? Not enough. That's true. Not a fucking enough. Watch the Late Late Show with James Corden. Listen to all fantasy everything.

Keep your eye out. Watch Sex Unzipped on Netflix. And the next thing, I can't announce it yet but the next thing that i've been alluding to the the people just returned to the office for it so it's it's i think it's definitely going to happen i've signed some contracts it's going down wow yeah i don't know what i don't know what you're talking about the big one well i don't know if it's the big one. I can say it. Marissa, will you bleep this out?

I'll bleep it out. Yeah, okay. Oh! Yeah! I thought, Marissa, can you bleep it out? I thought you... No, no, no, no, no, no. That'll be a while. This is how you tell me?

That would be the first thing. Also, I wouldn't be on this podcast anymore. This would be over. That's it. We'd be finished. I understand. I understand. And you know what?

We would understand it. We would get it. We would get it. I shouldn't be mad at that. Yeah, we would understand it. I'd be out there just adopting babies and naming them Jason if that were the case, dude. I'd be like, he's bringing it back single-handedly. I would Genghis Khan that shit you would be in a

lime green Lambo truck yeah dude living that's alliteration oh yeah that's sick dude yeah so I'm stoked about that keep your eye on that but listen we're gathered here today not to keep you in the dark about upcoming projects but also to fantasy draft

stress relievers relaxations things to sort of take the edge off uh jason this was your suggestion any any behind the music on it what well i just feel like it's on people's minds isn't it you know it's a it's a i feel like there's a lot of anxiety out there this is just to get you know like just a gut feeling and i feel like uh over the past you know couple years maybe people have have thought about how can i how can i get away from it all for a day or five minutes or an hour and and have have uh developed certain things that they go to to kind of just like take a take a break as our work-life balance and uh ability to see other people has kind of collapsed.

What are we doing now to relax? I think that's wonderful. I think this is right on time. You know, all of us can be fairly highly strong, but we can also be very chill. Let's tell you how we go from one to the other through the magic of the all-fantasy, everything-fantasy draft. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft

is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played by the three of you. And we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors played by the three of you. And we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Sean Jordan wins. He throws a rock against two papers. He's doing a goofy. Sean Jordan as the winner of rock, paper,

scissors. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? How does that work? Great question. I had some sugar-free Red Bull in me. We just got one of these things that they have at like dentist's office and doctor's

office. It's a thing that the kids play with that's like a bunch of curvy wires. Yes. And so we just got the first one from Maxine. And as you can imagine, I struggle to try to explain to David. I still have yet to be able to do it the right way to where he understands what a serpentine draft is. I'm thick headed. I was watching this thing. And yeah, so it's like one of those. So you start with all the blocks on one side and then you take one and you just curve it all the way through and the wires and stuff. And

it's really fun. It doesn't matter how old you are. It's really fun, by the way. Then you go back and you take the other one, you go all the way to the other side and you do that five times or four times however many times you want and then they're all on the other side and then you just take them all the way back down down that same wire but just back the other way and you just do that a whole bunch there's usually like five different wires so you just go down one go down the other da, da-da-da, all the way back. And that's basically it. That's exactly, exactly

how a serpentine draft works. Exactly. Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, Sean, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? Jason, you're going to go first. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm going to go second, David, and then Ian. Hot corner. All right. Jason, Sean, David, Jason, you're going to go first. Oh, wow. Your idea. Yeah. I'm going to go second, David, and then Ian.

Hot corner. All right. Uh, Jason, Sean, David, Ian is the order, which means Jason, you are now on the clock, but we won't get to your first book until right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by policy genius, policy genius. I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten

their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. PolicyGenius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With PolicyGenius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. So I have life insurance. It had nothing to do with me. It's my wife did everything, but it's tough. It's a hassle to go through and get. You have to research it, which I don't like researching anything. If I buy something, I just go into the person that works at the store and say, what is right in the middle? What's not the best? What's not the worst? And that is how I do

it. With life insurance, obviously, you want to be a little bit more careful about that. But how do I know where to start? You know what I mean? I have no idea what to do, where to look. Nobody does. And that's what Policy Genius does. They just go in, they find and compare all the best quotes for you. They just go to all the nation's top insurers, and then they give you your best options. They're just a few clicks, and then you're going to find your lowest price. And their expert license support team is your advocate. They work for you. They're not getting bonuses. They're not getting anything like that from work for you. They're not getting bonuses. They're not getting anything like that from certain insurance companies. They're not out there being smarmy.

They just want to help you out. They're answering the questions, handling the paperwork, shaking the hands, kissing the babies. They're doing it all for you. And if you don't have life insurance, I know it sucks to talk about or to think about, but you're just going to stick people with the bill. You're going to stick your loved ones with the bill. Don't nobody want to do that. You know what I mean? Get covered. I don't want anyone inheriting my debt. And then they see what I spent money on, probably. I don't need all that nonsense in my life. Get it covered. Get an insurance policy. Get it handled. And like I said, Policy Genius gives you unbiased advice from a licensed expert support team. They have thousands of five-star reviews

on Google Trustpilot from customers who've felt the benefits of their service. So get on it. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate. Oh, yeah, I got a song on Spotify as a rapper. That's neither here nor there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with Policy Genius. Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save that's policygenius.com and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything the only podcast that has ever existed this is it this is the only podcast except of course except of course right if you listen to take line or X-Ray Vision. I took them down because I didn't want to compete with this podcast anymore.

I thought that it was unfair. So I took my entire, I took, it's down. They're gone now. Put them back up. Very nice of you. Very nice of you. But we've actually carved out a special dispensation. Yeah.

That those two other, there can be two other podcasts. This is like Romeo and Juliet where he thinks she's dead, so he kills himself, but then actually she was... That's how I feel right now. The parallels between this show and Romeo and Juliet are shocking. David, do you bite your nose at me? I bite my nose at thee. I thump my nose at thee.

I'll bite David's nose for you if he keeps thumbing his nose. Shall we bite David's nose for me? I'll suck all the boogers out, too. What do you think of that? Whoa. You know, that's what you have to do. Come on, man. You know that when you have a newborn kid, you have to suck their boogers out. Oh, yeah. It's a little rubber thing. That's not real.

With your mouth. No, it's not. You put it a little funnel. I've heard that before. No, it's a little squeeze thing. We had to do it to my brother all the time. No, you don't know. No, Dana's not. I've never heard that before. No, it's the little squeeze thing. We had to do it to my brother all the time. No, you don't know. No, Dana has to, okay? I don't have to do that. You're sucking out boogers?

Yeah, man, I've sucked out big boogers of her nose. The hose is long, so the boogers don't get to your mouth. There's a little filter. Why does it sound like you're siphoning gas? That's what you're doing, but it's boogers and it's a baby, not gas in a car. Wait, how big are we talking about by weight? Can you give us how many grams or whatever? I mean, what does she weigh?

Seven pounds? Ten pounds? I don't think boogers have much weight to them. Babies are mostly boogers. They're mostly boogers. Big boogers and poop. Little cartilage and some boogers. Yeah, very little cartilage. But yeah, boogers have much weight to them. Babies are mostly boogers. They're mostly boogers. Big boogers and poop. Little cartilage and some boogers. Yeah.

Yeah, very little cartilage. But yeah, boogers and poop. Yeah. And a bad attitude sometimes, I'll tell you that. She's full of bad attitude from time to time. But that's neither here nor there, is it? Well, where'd she get that from? Her mama.

She get it from her mama. Remember that juvenile song? Where'd she get the eyes from? She get it from her mama. And where'd she get them thighs eyes from she get it from her mama and when she get them thighs from she get it from her mama listen to all that stuff from her mom uh jason yeah time for your pick um i want to pick this later but i'm going to pick it now because i feel like it's uh it's a popular one uh masturbating like let's not let's not let's not let's let's cast aside any kind of judgments

let's not be weird about it in the hog that's of course you don't need any equipment it's you and and the stuff and if you have five minutes great that's perfect you just like you know just you've got something you're nervous about you're about to go on a uh on a job interview you're about to go outside for a few hours and go meet people. Want to just crank one out, get one out. And you can get it done very quickly. Most people can. My stuff is so deadened now

that it takes me like a half hour. You know how like- You kind of like punch through some drywall to finish. You know that joke about the stranger, like if you sit on your arm and it kills the feeling in your hand and then you jerk off like someone else is doing it? For me, it's the opposite. My hand is so sensitive, but

my dick is like wood. It's dead. It's very, very hard. Very, very hard, but no feeling anymore. Feels like you're given a handjob more than anything. Right, so for other people, I'm saying for most of the population that isn't me, I think masturbating is a great way to relieve some stress.

Plus, you got to like make eye contact with somebody with like somebody who works at a morgue to get a boner. So like that alone takes forever. I don't know where that came from. It stepped, you know, it used to be, you know, I looked at a little drawing of like a skull and crossbones and then it just kind of like stepped up and stepped up and stepped up. Yeah, understandable. Those are sexy. guess you used to watch like old wwf videos with paul bearer and the undertaker and that's how you got going you know what i i got a little tingle in my neck when you said that and i think that you're now i you're right i think that you were right about

that paul bearer man that guy get you you going. He can bear my Pauls. Sean, are you worried that once you get the... Yes, I'm worried. Whatever you're going to say, I'm worried about. What's it called again? The vasectomy. The vasectomy. Are you worried that then when you masturbate

and when it's time for you to have an orgasm, rather than ejaculating, your body will go... Like when a Coke can gets frozen in a fridge? Yeah. Like when you put the Mentos in there yes yeah i mean i inside didn't ask him in such a colorful way but i was like so it's cool right like i he was like yeah people been doing this and they go to the doctor with you it's good to have someone to advocate nobody explodes and people been doing this and i'm like yeah but you know what if i do what if you guys do it wrong so is there there's do they just

uh what kind of uh like pain medication do they put you under just a shot do they just like give you something i think they just give them some birch wood to bite down on right bottle of williams and are you on your back like with your legs up in the air like how does it what are we looking at? Like a baby? Yep. It's like you're giving birth and I guess they give you

something orally and then they give you like... I did that. I started laughing and I thought one of you would. Then they give you something local, I guess,

whatever, numb up your area and then they go in and he's like, you know, in and out 15 minutes. And I'm like, oh, that's a long time. Are you awake the whole time? Yeah, you're awake. Oh, boy. Before you do it, I just look up the old potato in the...

What? The potato in the what? What's the thing on the back of the car? Is there an Irish parable? No, potato in the exhaust pipe gas. Just look that up before you go through with it. I'll just go in and be like, let me get an Irish vasectomy. Are you going to put some on ice just in case?

We discussed it. I think it's pricey, so probably not. What, it's pricey to jizz in a glass and throw that in the freezer? I'll save it for you, 100 bucks a month. I think it's different, but sure. I'll pay you 100 bucks just to have some of my load in your freezer, no matter what. Oh, not my freezer.

Are you kidding me? How can that be expensive? I have people come over. See, that's the thing. This is part of the advantage, the biological advantage that guys are dealt. It's like we can father children for like until you're elderly and it's like i don't know i don't know the science behind it but i bet you if you just

like in an empty coke can and like just put some uh you know put some tinfoil on the top of that and threw that in the in the freezer that'd be good for yeah you don't need the carbonation yeah yeah well yeah i don't want to keep a little coke in there just so they have some energy. Bouncing around. Jacking off is a great stress reliever, though. I've definitely gotten myself out of some situations. It's a good reward, too. If we ever draft rewards, it'll get you.

Good way to get you to do something. It'll keep you from making a mistake. For sure. Yes, it will. Oh, my God. Will it ever. Oh, my God. Whatever. Well, I I've still gone.

I've still made mistakes, but not after you finished. Sometimes finishing was the mistake. Yeah. Oh, dude, I can't make a mistake afterwards. I'm incapable. I can't. I'm not one of those like superheroes that can just go and go. I got like one and done and then you know talk to me the next day

right there's that one second afterwards where you're like I could write a book yeah that immense clarity of your it's like you can see the matrix and you're like why I understand now why I act like this yeah what's in these well you don't if you're dying to know i can tell you but i just keep taking them

i understand why i act like this i understand why i had to jerk off five minutes before going to when i jerk off oh man that's who i am yeah oh yeah that's also like you're like i need to vacuum yeah it's not good in here uh sean time for your first pick uh when i'm stressed i like to take a bath yeah classic sean jen just take a bath yeah take a bath get a nice bath bomb um put like yeah just kind of set the scene like if i can get some sort of like dim lighting or like if i can use like natural daylight or something fantastic a day just chill yeah well at the old crib was a lot easier because we had a room or a window from outside like into the bathroom this house we don't but uh yeah just sick just lay there and relax have you thought about instead of getting your tube

torn like just taking a lot of hot really really hot baths and just and just boiling them out and just what you know if you if you take a like because that will lower your sperm count if you take like long hot baths if you took regular very relaxing very hot baths you're just gonna boil you're gonna boil that lake trout you know what i'm saying and they're not science yeah but i swear to god this is science so you do know the science behind all this it's due science yeah i should i ask the doctor before i go and be like what if how many times do i have to masturbate just to get it all out like everything that's in there like what if i just do it like 50 000 times right how many how many how many would it take doc to get down from like two million sperm to like 10 yeah coming out like what if i just masturbate one big one how do

i do that don't tell me that's not an answer that's an answer all right i think if you have sex under a power line it'll do it talk to to me like you talked to Mark Zuckerberg about this. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not a scientist, but I think if you electrocute yourself while coming, you can never have kids again. You also can't die. Yeah, don't I turn into like a superhero? Yeah. A questionable superhero?

Yeah, man, taking a bath. You're taking a bath during the daytime, huh? I guess you've been a bath boy from way back yeah i've taken a bath during the day is almost stresses me out more sometimes because i'm like you what do you think you're doing that you can stop everything and take a bath during the day yeah but during covid i mean sometimes it was just like so bummed out during the day that it's like i I'm doing it. I'm taking a bath during the day. I can't go anywhere. I can't do shit.

You take your phone. You read in there. I do not read. No, I just don't read in general. You take your phone. What do you do? Yeah, I don't. I don't like holding the phone above the bath because then if it fell in, it would stress

me out. It would completely cancel out the bath. You just drink champagne, right? I've been known. Sometimes I just have it. There's some strawberries. I'll yeah, I'll get a little something in the bath you just drink champagne right uh i've been known sometimes i just have it there's some strawberries i'll yeah i'll get a little something in the bath but honestly most of the time it's just a bath bomb like i just like to get the fizzies the fizzy bath bomb whatever it's lying to me and says it that like if they have a bath bomb it's like

mood or lunar or whatever i'm just like oh cool, cool. This one's really going to chill me out. It's called Lunar. Sanderwood. Yeah. You should make your own bath bomb. Yes. Buck bomb. Buck bomb. Buck bomb, dude.

Come on. For fellers? Buck bomb for fellers. Buck bomb for fellers. Buck bomb for fellers, dude. Cedar. This bath bomb smells like puke, bro. Leather. Yeah.

Yeah. Gun metal. Yeah. This one just smells like a dick, bro. Leather. Yeah. Yeah, gunmetal. Yeah. This one just smells like a dickhead. Divorce. Yeah. Dad's hotel room. Yeah, dude. His kids, your car. That's the name of the set.

His kids, your car. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Taking a bath, dude. Splish splash. I was taking a bath. All right. All on Saturday night.

David, time for your first pick. My first pick is... Mine are so basic, man. I'm sorry. I wanted to go, like, have something nuts, but Jason picked coming. The nuttiest thing of all. So nuts. Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don't. I'm not going to feel like one in about a month. R.I.P. I don't know what to say to that. He's getting his dick ripped. It's all ripped. Oh oh this one's pretty easy let's go outside take a walk yeah absolutely just like because especially like now i do a ton of like everybody does like a ton of shit from home now yeah and sometimes it's like the fifth zoom of the day and you're like and then you just go outside did you now did so before covid was walking as much of a stress reliever for you as it is now

i know you've been walking a lot like you've been walking since i knew you but yeah not not it wasn't a direct it wasn't a direct thing now it is i feel for like a lot of people now i'll be like yeah now i'll be like i'm fucking stressed in here i hate it in here i gotta go walk to like relax before it was just like more of a car like i guess i always thought about it so i've been going through it you know my therapist says it might be its own hobby uh sure yeah but it wasn't concentrated well not having the option of leaving your house taken away kind of makes you realize how much you love just not being in there sometimes dude seriously

i thought i was a homebody and then like covid kind of covid kind of cured me because like you know the first few months of it i was pretty okay about it but like now it's like especially working you shouldn't i need an office or some shit you shouldn't just like work at your kitchen table that shit's trash people say that i had granted it was a lame job but i worked for hulu from home and it's horrible to to do that because then you're like home is supposed to be where you're chill or calm or whatever and then all of a sudden you look at it like you live at work now oh dude it sucks or like you finish like i'll finish some shit and then just like go to the living room you know what i mean like that's different yep so yeah taking a walk man that shit really like

i love taking a walk that's been my whole the pandemic also did like that positive put on everything made me like think about health in a real where I'm like, oh no, this is good. I good. I got to fucking make time for it. And like, it feels good. Yeah. Cause if you don't, it feels bad. Like if I don't, if I don't do it, like sometimes it'll be like two, three times a day.

But if it's like once a day, if I don't do it, I'll just, you just feel all, everything makes me cloudy. The older I get, that's all I notice is that everything makes me feel cloudy. Yeah. Anxiety is like having to take a really bad shit. Like if you don't get yourself to a toilet, you're going to shit yourself in public. That's a great point. Of course.

And it's, dude, I think about that all the time. Everything makes me anxious. Shitting yourself in public? Dude, I have to shit. I have to shit so bad right now. Everything makes me anxious. and it's dude i think about that all the time everything should be anxious every dude i have to shit y'all shit so bad right now everything makes me anxious almost everything i can think of and just finding ways to curb that and calm yourself down is so so important and i didn't realize how anxious i was until the world paused and then you're like holy buckets this is i can't just be swimming in my thoughts all day and so you figure out things to do and walking it's just i used to walk like super fast when this started i would like almost speed walk around the neighborhood like enough to i would work up a sweat and then you just i don't know calms you down it doesn't keep me from my thoughts though

nothing i find it helps me i find it helps me like come up if I'm like really like at a impasse with something I'm writing or something. I find walking helps me think of detach enough from the idea that I can then explore other spaces around the idea. And usually that helps. Yes, absolutely. I walk now at work. I'll leave. And like I didn't used to because it seemed absurd to leave my office. And now I'm like.

And go walk down Fairfax. I'm like, I'm the boss to, cause it seemed absurd to leave my office. And now I'm like, and go walk down Fairfax, but I'm the boss. I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I want. So I just go walk for like an hour sometimes, you know what I mean? Like not on show days, but like, yeah,

like when it clears your head, like helps you write and stuff. Like Jason was saying, if I have, if I'm trying to think of a bit or something, I'll just walk. I'll like talk to myself almost and talk it out. And it works most of the time.

Yeah. I said not on show days on show days i don't know why i lied about that i go walk maybe not an hour but 45 minutes i go i fucking i just like go out there and i come back with ideas and like clarity on show days i love it. When you lie and then you immediately, you're like, I don't know why. I don't know why I did that. I do that too, where you're just like, why did I lie about it? That was weird.

You know what? I haven't watched that show. Or I haven't done that. Why did I do that? That's the one. Because you don't want to get into another fucking talk about search party. Don't tell me to watch it.

Yeah. I've lied about baseball so many times, especially when i was a bartender uh i think i've only lied about baseball i would wear baseball hats i was wearing tc hats yeah kirby puckett kent herbeck go on uh chuck knoblock yes sir that's it i say more you can end anything with need i say more yeah need i say more no sir man i thought i knew one more i don't anyway yeah i used to lie about baseball all the time i got caught a few times you just see your tips flying out the window oh yeah i was lying to you man i hate baseball and they're like oh oh well i'm still gonna get hammered but you're not gonna make any money joe mauer joe mauer that's what i was thinking of time for my first and second

picks my first one i'm gonna take a another one i discovered during the pandemic an absolute favorite of mine i don't know like i'm taking it number one i could probably get it later but it's my it's been my favorite going on a long bike ride oh nice dude i love i love riding the bike around hell yeah i love it i feel like the the exercise element like you get that dopamine kick and like the stress relief and all that stuff, which is great and feels good. But also, man, I just love getting out of my house and kind of exploring L.A. and like getting into spaces that are not unending humanity. You know what I mean? Like I'm on a road still.

Yes, dude. But like where I'm like, oh, there's a road here. And I know people built that. But then the only other stuff I can see are trees and dirt. And like, that is, I, I need that.

And like, I just need to get out. I need to get out of the fucking space. I never look at my phone when I'm riding my bike because like, you can't, you need to be also, you need to kind of be like hyper-focused on what you're doing, you know,

or else you'll like, you could crash and hurt yourself. And you you know the thing about a bike ride i've always thought this since i was a kid is it's so fun to get far away from your house and not have a car involved like you can walk far away from your house but when you're in a bike you could be like 20 miles from your house yeah then you're like fuck i just got here how cool is that yeah i just i got here. How cool is that? Yeah. I just, I got here myself. Remember when you first got the bike and you were able to just leave and go someplace like on your own? It was unbelievable. What an unbelievable feeling that was as a kid to have that bike.

I'm just nine at Target? Yeah. I'm just here. I just rode up. No money. Not even going to steal. Just going to play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Yeah.

Where's your parents my parents are those three dollars that i'm gonna spend on candy that's where my parents are getting juju bees spitting a bunch of fuck out of my kitchen where are your parents at little boy hey fuck you lights up a cigarette what would you do if like a 10year-old did that to you? I don't even know. Because the older I get, the more kids make me mad.

Because I know I remember being a kid. I'd fucking lose it, probably. Like today, if I walked out of my house and a little kid said that. Is it illegal to dump other people's kids in people's kids i think it is illegal to do that probably yeah yeah you probably can't touch other people's kids i remember when we were like when we would get a substitute teacher oh god we were like yeah we were the most cruel people ever in the things that we would say and do to like torture a substitute teacher until they potentially cried and left the classroom. Worst thing I've ever said to someone,

I won't say it, but it was to a substitute teacher. It was the worst thing I've ever said to a person. Wow. And I feel, I'll feel bad about it until I die. And cause I think I'm like, she was a teacher,

a saint. And who, I mean, it was, it's shocking when I think about this. Can you type it? I'm so curious. I don't want to.

I don't want to. I don't like it. I don't like thinking about it, but yeah. What was it? What was her name? What was her name? Miss Cronky. That doesn't have anything to do with it.

Oh. Was it like, you're not Buck, Miss Cronky? Was that it? Yeah. Hey, Miss Cronky, have a bad day. Did you call her Miss Cronky? Was that it? Yeah. Hey, Miss Cronky, have a bad day. Did you call her Miss Cranky? Did you call her Miss Donkey?

No. Miss Cranky. Did you call her Miss Cranky Donkey? Hey, everybody, watch out. The Cranky Donkey's coming. He looks for high fives. Oh, oh, oh. Six, you're too much. They just write on the board, I am Mr. Cranky Donkey.

Six, you're too much. He used your crip name. Man, you did. Somebody had you. Hey, six, give it to him. And to think any teacher probably just looked at me and was like this kid has a do-rag on yeah dude no i bet you like teachers talked about you to their spouses sometimes yeah yeah i don't remember that kid i was telling you about comes in orange jabozo

i don't know what the fuck he thinks is happening that's i bet you we thought we were so much smarter than teachers i've told this but like we had a few walkouts a couple times and then we just get to the pop machines and it'd be like six of us that were like we thought the whole school was gonna get our backs and then there'd be five six teachers down they're like all right let's go like of course they knew about it of course they knew what we were gonna do they knew about the fights that we didn't think they knew about of Of course. Because we're just idiot 12, 13-year-old kids. Kids are stupid. I don't know why we have to pretend like they're not.

They're dumb. That's why they're kids. Because they're not as smart as grown-ups. Absolutely. Yeah. No, I... But they have a wisdom. That's right.

Yeah. I think they're just kind of rude. And adults aren't. And then we think... Like, you know when you meet an adult who's really rude and for a second you're like, wow, this person really gets it. And then you're like, ah, nah, they're just ill-behaved. Yeah, they talk like kids. That's how I feel about kids.

But there is a wisdom there. Someone just keeps going back to it. Yeah, well, agreed, but there is a wisdom. I'll allow you that, but there is a wisdom. Time for my second pick. Oh, no, go ahead wisdom This boy Oh no go ahead No please I was just going to say that this child came up to me

And called me a mind goblin And I said what And then he said do you mind gobbling these nuts But there was a wisdom to that Well that I take everything I said back That kid is very smart I would adopt that kid

There is a wisdom to that. Did a kid really do that to you? No, I didn't. I wish. I need to beat them in battle so you can be my kid. I haven't even. You know what blew my mind? I haven't even heard a new Deez Nuts joke.

No, me neither. In years. That's great. In years. I'm going to use it on my little brother on Sunday when he gets here. I'm going to use it on Sean little brother on Sunday when he gets here I'm going to use it on Sean tomorrow I'll fall for it I'm going to use it on Sam Talent in four hours

I can't wait Sam will fall for it harder than anyone's fallen in a while he's all hopped up on Jackass because we saw it yesterday I can pull anything hey Sam are you a mind goblin now I'm just thinking about all the people yesterday. I can pull anything. Hey, Sam, are you a mind goblin?

Now I'm just thinking about all the people I'm going to bust it on this week. I want to do it to Dana right after this podcast. I'm going to call my agent. I'll do it to Laura. I'm going to call my agent. Hey, so that Michigan date week pulled back. It's just a real mind goblin.

Can you set up a meeting with mind goblin? I have some ideas. I want to talk to mind goblin. Will you set up a general with mind goblin next week? You know they'd look it up. They'd be like, Mind Goblin, Mind Goblin. Oh, is that Jason Bateman's company? What is that?

What's Mind Goblin? Is that Spike Jonze? Who is that? Mind Goblin, Mind Goblin. Oh, man. Just texting their assistant, hey, get on Mind Goblin, huh? And there's a certain wisdom to that. There is a real wisdom to that there's a real wisdom to that yeah uh my second

pick this is almost a cheat but it it kind of is the best thing you can do with stress is to confront and handle whatever it is that's stressing you out dog yeah that's right that's 100 right that's why we've had this talk whenever there's tension like pray to god someone like texts me hey we need to talk can i call you in a in a day or two and i'm like now we'll be talking immediately yeah i don't know what i have to do to figure it out this call is going to be a real mind goblin yeah dude no i i gotta get in front of it dude i i have such a tough not we're not joking right now i have such a tough time. I was trying really hard. Now is the time for serious men.

We're not fucking kidding right now. Okay? Continue. John? I'm gobbling these nuts! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. John, nobody's going to be able to gobble your nuts

after you have a vasectomy. Otherwise, they can gobble. They just won't get full. Absolutely not. They won't mind gobbling them. No. Yeah, they definitely won't mind gobbling now because nothing's going to be a problem.

Can you still get your ass eaten with your ass? Yeah. It's not an assectomy. It's a vasectomy. No, but some of the wiring goes through there. It's all connected. Yeah. I should just ask the doctor, hey, while I'm in here can how much is it to get my butt removed can you guys just

i'm real i've been sick of pooping since i was 25 can you guys just take my butt off yeah could you snip that wire yeah can you rewire my butt to like my thigh i don't want to poop anymore can you do that i'd like to poop if i could poop out of the side of my thigh, it would just be a lot easier for stuff I'm trying to do. Also, this is crazy. Can you move the jizz up to my middle finger? Yeah. Who do we got to get in here to rewire my butt?

I got some big plants. Don't tell me no. When you tell Elon Musk no. Yeah, come on. You're going to go in there? Come on. Talk to me like I'm a You're going to go in there. Come on. Talk to me like I'm a billionaire. Talk to me like money's no object.

Can I jizz out of my middle finger? I know Jeff Bezos can pee out of his nipple. Stop it. All right. I know all those billionaires are peeing crazy holes. Let's pretend we're doing this surgery on a super yacht four miles off the coast. Then what's possible? Let's pretend we're doing the surgery on a super yacht four miles off the coast.

Then what's possible? I heard that guy who owns Virgin Atlantic can nut out of his chin. You can't. Rewire my butt. Richard Branson. Richard Branson is out here shitting out of his belly button. I've seen it.

Yeah. I just want to poop out of the middle of my hand. And I want it to look like a mouth. Guillermo del Toro produces all my bowel movements. I want to Iron Man poop out of the middle of my hand. Oh, man.

Confronting what stresses you out. That's right. Some stuff can't be done. Some stuff you can't. It's a general life type of shit. But if there's something on your mind, the best thing you can do like is try to sit down figure out what it is and then deal with it it's really it's i learned that in therapy because i'm yeah i'm the type of person where if i have a thing that i'm anxious about that's

bothering me well i'll go on to something else trying to avoid it and then i'll put something else on top of that and then i'll put something else on top of it but then it's like the princess and the pea you can still feel that thing underneath all those layers and you just have to confront it absolutely and it's always it's it's i guess most of the time it's easier when you do it when you confront it it's it's never as hard as you thought it was going to be or it never it's never like earth shattering or whatever yeah it just is you know a problem that gets resolved the world keeps spinning yeah if it's like talking to a person you start scripting out this other person's worst reaction to it and like sometimes it's not a good reaction but

oftentimes it's they're more understanding than you think they're gonna be that's why you gotta do it because if i if i script it out in my head for some reason it always ends in like like oh man if i'm to talk to this person, I better bring a box cutter. My head thinks it's going to go nuts. That's why they call them mind goblins. Because they're just in there. It's a weird reality where I'm like,

I've never seen this person hit someone with a brick, but they're going to hit me with a brick if I bring this up. That's what's going to happen for sure. it bricks dude yeah confronting stuff confronting what's stressing you out uh david down for your second pick david david david this is a new one for me but i i think when i was younger i just really fought it because it felt like a grown-up urge and I never want to do it. But if I'm feeling all stressed out, if I clean up my house, it makes me feel so much better. For sure, dude.

For sure. And really vacuum and mop and get in there. It's just like, get the windex on the the bathroom mirror all that shit it just like makes me feel so much more in control and just very calm you do that like you start cleaning and then you're on such a roll and then you just start doing other stuff that you've been meaning to do i do anyways i just start doing things yeah yeah just stuff busy work whatever it is like put air in the tires and shit like that whatever call and make appointments or you know shit that you got to do that's that's piling up if i clean the whole crib and like really get

it done yeah i just keep going i love i i like cleaning now i actually kind of enjoy it which is crazy to say yeah it's weird i spent so much time like i'm not gonna clean my room yeah i love doing dishes like oh yeah yeah because the clean sink is like dog like it's a great feeling like if i leave town if i'm leaving town i have to clean the shit out of my house every time oh it's so nice to come home to a clean crib i can't i can't wake up in a dirty like i gotta have everything clean before we go to bed too. And it's, uh, you know, kind of, I can tell gets on maybe someone's nerves from time to time, but I'm like, I just, I don't know. It's got, I just want it. I want to wake up people over the other day and I woke up and my house was kind of cluttered and I was like in a bad mood till it was not cluttered. And it wasn't even crazy. Like they had taken the trash out and stuff.

It was just like. But like you declutter right away. Whenever we'd have parties and shit. Well, within reason, you wake up and you just pour out all the halfies and shit and you just get it all done right away i redid my entire desk you know because like of the pandemic and the way we that we work and record now i had all this extra equipment you know what i mean like now i have to have the mic stand and i had to have all this stuff i had to have stands for my monitors and all this stuff just kind of got put on a desk that was already already had stuff on i didn't really plan it out so it was just a mess

so i i spent half of a sunday a couple weeks ago tearing everything down and just rebuilding it so that it's more ordered i feel like i'm not like you know sitting in a nest of wires and i feel a lot better about sitting down to do some stuff absolutely Absolutely. Such a good part of managing anxiety and stress in your life is doing things now for future you. Setting yourself up to succeed. Whether it's exercising or

cleaning, whatever it is. I think that's... Masturbating. Making sure that your bloodline won't be able to continue your bloodline ever again if you want to, that kind of stuff. I'm telling you, just put some on ice. Yeah, ice it, man. Ice it.

Put it in an old squeeze-it bottle. It's funny, then. It's like making a face. It's like, well, I'm full of juice, you know? And then you can just... Just every day. Sean, every day until you go just jizz in in you know an empty uh like hand soap container every day twice a day maybe and just have and then when you're done put

it in the freezer okay and at the end of that you will have millions, if not trillions of sperm. All right, man, don't tell me twice. I got it. Well, it's time for you to tell us what your next pick is. My next pick when I'm feeling stressed or anxious, I'll just go ahead and get a little hammered. A little hammered or a lot hammered? A lot doesn't help because then I'm going to be anxious the next day. Because that's what that does.

I don't know if it's just my chemistry. I think it's like a thing. No, that's the human chemistry. I think that is how it works. You're horny and you're anxious because it throws your body all out of whack. Well, being horny is part of the human, the fight or flight response. Like sex is one of those things. So if you want to have sex, if you're horny, that means you like to fight or you response like sex is one of those things well with like so if you want to have sex

if you're horny that means you like to flight or you like to fight i think i've i learned this in therapy is that like sex violence like consumption yeah have you seen sean's algorithm are all like responses to uh to like anxiety they're really bad anxiety and they end up getting drunk and getting drunk which like throws you into like an anxious state well not while it's happening uh and no like a little that's why i say a little like um nothing crazy but like a little tossed like maybe uh maybe like a little six pack of white claws or something i had two to three drinks on my list yeah two to three drinks any more than that crazy one drink for me it gives me i can put things in perspective much easier it's i swear it's almost like

this is such an okay it's almost like medication but it's it just feels like something where it's like all red flags from Sean from here on out. It's like everything goes black. And I don't remember anything about what I was worried about or anything. And I can get Max down to bed earlier. And like, it's just... I just can't hear.

Yeah, and so that goes away. It is. It's just, it's a little bit of clarity where I just sit back and I'm like, I bet you this isn't as big of a deal as I thought it was. And then, I don't know, I can just reason with myself a little more. And it's just fun. Having a couple drinks is fun. It always has been, always will be.

So, yeah, just a good little mellow way to do it. I like it. And that, like, I didn't, I didn't i didn't why eight months probably didn't drink anything so now it's a little different because if i have a couple like two then it's yeah i just feel a little bit and then stop and then go to bed which is how it should that's how people do it a lot of times i didn't used to quite understand you feeling anxious now? No, I feel pretty good right now. Good. Yeah, yeah.

Good, good. You need to jack off real quick? What do you think? How many hands have you seen? Just two to three. Jason, tell me your second and third picks. We've been talking a lot about therapy and how important therapy is.

I think that is important for kind of like building the healthy habits for having a balanced life. But in this particular case, when it's reasonable, when it's responsible, there's nothing wrong with a little retail therapy. There's nothing wrong with a little shopping. Maybe it's buying it. Man, that's a good call. Getting yourself something nice. Not even nice, just something that you kind of want um in that moment when you need it obviously not going crazy so you can't pay the rent or you can't pay your bills but just getting something for yourself treating yourself right it can feel so good sometimes yeah oh yeah

it's crazy how it changes how your life goes because it's always been there for me at least it's always been there but it's like when i was really broke it was like i'm gonna go out to somewhere to eat that's not burger king yeah you know what i mean and then you get like a little bit more money and you're like i'm gonna drink an imported beer and then it's like and then now you're like i i think i'm gonna get a pair of shoes yeah boy that was i had that thought i don't know 40 times in the last two years the shoe am i gonna pair shoes yeah man it got weird for a while like the first six months of this as soon as i realized how much money uh was saving by not going anywhere, like, oh, yeah, yeah, I do need these. Thankfully, that stopped.

But yeah. It adds up quick. Yeah, it's something that makes you excited about the future. It's nice. It's like, I can't wait to wear this or play this or like whatever that thing may be. It's like, all right, cool. Like, I just like adjusted my trajectory a little bit. wear this or or play this or like whatever that thing maybe it's like all right cool like i just like adjusted my trajectory a little bit now i'm not really thinking about plus it releases

endorphins i'm sure it does it does immediately it does like when you so you get something online so you get that initial rush and then you get it in the mail a few days later so it's like it's like a two banger where you get those endorphins twice which is great and then you unbox you're unboxing it it's like yeah there's a whole thing i've had it though sometimes where i got a little too excited and then i got the box and i was just like oh you just put it in your room and you're like well now i have it yeah i did not need this yeah why the fuck am i gonna like am i a lego person now like i'm gonna do I'm gonna start building Legos now

did I need a sign a DVD of my girl no yeah like what did I need that who signed that Macaulay or uh it's Chomsky Chomsky Chomsky

Chomsky signed a copy of my girl signed by Noam Chomsky it's very strange yeah that's that's sick man that didn't make my list that's great yeah and for my next pick my third pick uh i think this has been uh something that has been relaxing people for centuries, although they didn't have an option to do it. We have an option to do it now, and it's something I've gotten into in recent months. It is candles. I've become,

I'll tell you right now, I've become a candle person. You're a candleman? I'm a candleman now. Three wicker. I like a three wick. I love a three wick. A big fucking cannon. I love a three wick a big fucking a big cannon i gotta go try wick because there's not a single wick is not giving me the throw that i'm looking for i know exactly what you mean i need to see i need a wide throw with a single wick a lot of times you got to be right on top of that thing nose almost right over the cone to really get the

the vibe of it with a triple wick. I'm getting that throw all throughout the room and I have become that person. I really love it. A little sticker shock up front on the three wick, but it's going to last you for so much longer. A little sticker shock.

I'm Googling it. What's your favorite scent? Barf, campfire, whiskey, leather? What do we do? Those are the four scent groups, right? it what's your favorite scent barf campfire whiskey leather what we do right now those are those are the four scent groups right might as well be boys to men that's what i call them on my day on my middle lavender and cedarwood uh is what i have on my desk right now okay nice okay um uh i also like there is uh one called Salt Salted Moss. I really enjoy.

I can fuck with that. I can fuck with that. Damn, the price on some of these is. Some of these are great. Listen. A little sticker shock. A little sticker shock, but much. Now, here's the thing. A lot like seeing that dirty sink or that cluttered space, you kind of don't realize how calming it

is when your place smells kind of nice and is softly lit. There's something about it. There's something about it that feels calming. I like a soft light. I like a soft light. Everybody looks better in a soft light. Everybody looks better in a soft light.

What candle brand? What's your brand? Aromatherapy from Bath and Body Works, BBW. Very nice. Okay. That's not going to set you back too far. It's not bad. I'm not going crazy with it.

We made some. Laura and I made some last year. We got a candle kit as one of the quarantine phases. We were just like, let's make some candles. And they were dope. It was like 20 bucks. And we made 18 candles or something. smell mountain dew apple i got a baja blast tri-wick flaming hot cheetos let me ask you this the two of you david and ian has anyone been dming you

that mountain dew is coming out with a hard seltzer. No. Yes. Well, not DMing, but adding. I've probably got a hundred DMs about the Mountain Dew hard seltzer. You planted the seeds and now you're reaping the harvest, man. I'm going to water the plants with Mountain Dew hard seltzer. It's like, you think I didn't know about that, first of all. Yeah, that's offensive.

Yeah, man. There's a new Mountain Dew pink lemonade. I tried the other pink raspberry lemonade. Real dank. Oh, is it carbonated? Because I've been mixing pink lemonade with soda water for years. Yeah, it's carbonated.

Somebody owes you a check. I've been saying. It was like apple and lavender and then pine, I think, was the third one that we made. We made three different kinds. Ooh, Pine. Sean, do you want to do your third pick?

I'm thrilled that we are starting to be able to do this again. My third pick is go to a movie. I've always loved to go to a movie. I went the other night for the first time for real since this all started. I haven't like... We went to

Mortal Kombat, but we rented that, and it didn't really count because it was more about hanging out. None of us. I didn't even watch the movie. I was honestly at the bar most of the time. But I went to Scream the other night by myself, and I got there like 45 minutes early. I got treats.

I was so excited, and I just had such a fun time at the movies. I just love going to a movie. Everybody does. So it always, always puts me in a good mood. If I'm stressed or whatever, it always calms me down. I don't know.

Just all the things about it, the dimming lights, the strangers, like everybody excited a little bit. Even things that normally bother me, like if we're just sitting in a room and somebody's struggling to open gummy bears i'll lose my fucking mind but if we're in a movie theater right i think it's i think it's cute i'm like yeah open your gummy bears man take your time wait wait you don't like it when somebody does it when you're in the room you don't like someone struggling to open gummy bears no i don't like sounds like no no i would get so i'd be like give me the

fucking bag i'll open the gummy bears kind of wait what is that mesothelioma from working on hips from like breathing in asbestos sorry i was kidding do you have synesthesia i can i can see music huh keep throwing them at me keep throwing them at me obviously i was joking but you do have scurvy no i can get boners keep throwing them at me call it straight me with me you can still get boners if you don't eat vegetables or fruit or whatever scurvy not for long you can't get boners no but i'm gonna give them dude yes how do you get a vasectomy you look hot that's true that's true and then they're

gonna rewire my butt tubing that we had that whole conversation we did is that what it is misophonia misophonia i think okay is that the noise one no that's an outcast album um i don't like weird little noise like uh a great example of somebody struggling or taking too long or fiddling with a rapper i i you didn't like it when i you didn't like it when dina had twitter beef with soldier boy When I was fiddling with that rapper? You, dude? No, me, bro. Not you.

Me, dude. It's still not dead, by the way, with him. Fuck you, Soulja Boy. Ian and Soulja Boy. I watched him in a Walmart parking lot for six hours one time, and they both, Ian would be like, no, you? No, dude. Me, bro.

And then Soulja Boy, which he was was pretty he was like 30 yards away but he'd be like you know me bro and they did that for six hours they did yeah no i watched them talk about it on one of those beef dvds yeah you think he'd have better things to do with his time no neither the beef with ian no he doesn't yeah i don't know what to tell you he's in a weird way he's like one of the five people i've spoken to the most and it's a very intimate relationship but it is based on hate and uh and just pettiness uh david time for your third pick uh this one goes back to the days of san Francisco. I'll be there later this week. Oh, nice. Have fun, man.

Of course you'll have fun. I'm going to put, I didn't do it as much in LA, but I do it sometimes here too. Riding an above ground public transportation train. Oh. If I really got to like clear my head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Same thing. I would, I would just ride Muni trains. Like I take the end Judah all my head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing. I would, I would just ride Muni trains. Like I take the end Judah all the way out to the beach. That calms you down. Yeah. So much.

Not the bus, not the bus though. Like it has to be like the trains, like here, the light rail. Yeah. But yeah, something about it really calms me down.

I did. The subway train used to put me to sleep like immediately when i would when i was taking the train all the time living in new york city especially with my train the f train uh was above ground for a good portion of it and that kind of rocking back and forth and the sound the rhythmic sounds something about it just puts you in a mood and it's like it's like constantly changing so that like i don't know it's something, it's really helps me focus a lot. Yeah. It's like the transportation equivalent of sitting at a coffee shop where there's so many people talking.

It's like you can't focus on anything at all. Or like, yeah. Or like posted up at like the food court at a mall or something. It's like the same feeling. I don't exist right now. I'm among so much other things that are, it's like, it's a nice, yeah. I know what you mean. It can, it can't

i love it i love it also traveling without stopping like that i mean occasional stops but that you're not in traffic you know what i mean it's like that's the that's the part traveling without having to like pay attention sean sean you had that tone of voice that was like you're agreeing but you're you completely disagree when you. Yeah, I would rather you just not agree. It can. Well, I think about taking like the Max that worked. I think about sometimes it did, like if I took the, but I just, there was so much wild shit that would happen on the Max.

I don't know if the Max is different. I can't imagine it is. Then I've taken the Max. I thought it was kind of soft compared to the Mewing. Don't you call my above ground public transportation system that doesn't top stops that's the only time i wish this podcast was a visual medium so they can the mac stops at somewhere called goose hollow it's not as tough as other transportation systems it does stop at goose hollow no i, and that was the hard thing about LA was it'd be like fun, and then you'd get underground

and you'd be like, oh, this isn't us. I still never did the one in LA. I never, ever did the subway in LA. You always had a car. No, I didn't. You were with me when my car stopped working. Oh, that's right. You were also in Glendale.

There was no close one to Glendale. Well, in LA, the train is a joke. A mass transit system that doesn't go to the airport is like a tube coming from your balls that doesn't reach the tip of your dick. There's no point in that. Watch Roger Rabbit. They talk all about it.

Why would you even have that? Why do you even have a dick at that point? Yeah, why have that? For sex, bro. That's why dude oh uh time for my third and fourth picks my third pick uh i i don't do it as much in la but i do it a lot in o. Hiking. Oh, yeah. That's great. Love it.

Again, going back to that being in nature thing, I get blissed out on it in a very real way. I feel euphoric. When you can't see. Yeah. Yeah. If I go for a hike and I just really get in the woods and I'm like, I like jog hiking. Yeah. Weirdly, I just like moving through nature really fat

and stuff like that and just feeling like the crisp air and just, I don't know. I feel like actual euphoria. And it's the only time in my life that I'm happy generally. But as far as like an actual euphoric, like I'm on Molly ass feeling, like I get that being in the woods. Do you feel like you don't like it as much in la because everywhere you hike you can kind of still see

yeah like you know what i mean yeah yeah like all the la hikes you could still see every the highway or whatever yeah and there's no there's very few you have to go travel pretty far to see get surrounded by tall trees and stuff like that. Tall trees are sick. You go to Portland. You go to Forest Park. You're in the city in Forest Park. You're in Portland, but you would think you were in the middle of fucking Netherlands or something. It's shocking.

Even if you go up to Malibu to hike, which I've done and it's beautiful and you can feel detached from society, but you're still, it's scrub. You know what I mean? It's like small trees and a lot of grasses and desert climates and stuff like that. It's beautiful, but I just like being like having nature loom over me and everything. It really, there's nothing like it. And then the other,

my fourth pick is another thing I mostly do in Oregon, which is spending time with family. Oh, that's great. That's a great one. I know that's not true for everybody. For some people, that's like their biggest source of stress. And I see you. And I'm sorry. For me, though, it's just like

if I'm hanging out with my family, it just shakes the etch-a-sketch. I'm like, good. You know how dope your family is? Pretty dope. Is that more of your family will be at my wedding than my family wow that is dope they are good isn't that crazy oh i just got you saved the date by the way yeah probably could have done that off there

it's a cool picture yeah sorry i just love spending time with family it just makes me it makes me feel grounded and puts everything in perspective and like i'm like oh this is what's important i'm all right i'm good yeah my blood pressure goes down when i go to portland yeah i love i i just saw my i was just back east for christmas and it was great to see my family for the first time in two years. It was wonderful. Long Island, right? Long Island. Now, here's the thing.

When I see my mom, it's a roller coaster because all of the tech things that she's been unable to do for two years, like log into her email, set up her Roku, like get the password on her iPad to match the one, like all that stuff needs to be done. And that takes a couple of days, but even then it's just great to be around her. That's some sticker shock. There might be some sticker shock. Yeah.

With the price of admission. David, time for your fourth pick. I like to cook a big ass meal. Yes, dude. Hell yeah. Like just like something that, and even if it's like, it's like, even if it's, it just needs to feel involved.

It needs to be like something with like a lot of ingredients. Like if you're making like, if you're making like a meatloaf and mashed potatoes and roasted broccoli, just like something where there's like a lot of things going on and all you're focusing on is like the timing and the amounts and stuff like that. It's like a great way to spend like an afternoon. What's your go-to comfort food to make? Making it, I'll make like a really good steak and then like some oven roasted asparagus and some potatoes. And then like, you know, maybe a cheesecake for dessert. Damn. You making cheesecakes out here? Sometimes.

Wow. I just like the steak, though, because I like making it in the skillet with everything and the scoop and the butter. It's like a fun little butter. Put the butter over it again? But that doesn't take as long as I'd like. You know what I mean? Yeah. I really like baking a salmon, some chicken thighs.

It's fun to have a bunch of options. Sometimes I'll just go get every different kind of Alfredo sauce I can can get and then i'll just dip tortillas in all of them i'm gonna kill you i'm gonna kill you i'm gonna i'm gonna murder you with a gun i'm gonna blow your fucking brains out pour some liquor down the barrel first bud i'm gonna cut one of your dick tubes bro that's a fuck shot you only got one i'm gonna take your dick tube i'm gonna loop it so that it feeds back into your butt and so that you will be... Yeah, you think I didn't already get insurance against that? I'm protected.

I'm going to have a guy in there. What happened to Capone? We put him away, you see? We looped his dick tube into his butt and we got him. We couldn't get him for the murders, but we got him on that. We gave him a put him away, you see? He licked his dick tube into his butt, and we got him. We couldn't get him for the murders, but we got him on that. We gave him a fruity lube, you see? That's right. He's going away. And when you do that, it squishes your nuts out

on either side, so it's like a hamburger. That's right. Now the mob can't respect a man whose balls bulge out the side every time he sits down. He's a patty mouth, see? See? He's finished in this town. He's a patty mouth, see? He's finished in this town. He's a patty mouth, see?

Oh, boy. John, time for your fourth pick. Oh, crap. Oh, that was funny. My fourth pick. This is specific. I like to drive at night when there's nobody

around because driving during the day, drastically different for This is specific. I like to drive at night when there's nobody around. Because driving during the day, drastically different for me. It is definitely not any sort of stress relief in any way or any kind of capacity. It's a stress causer, I would say. But at night, when things are calm, I just like to drive around the city and just drive around. Listen to music and be calm. Go mellow. and uh and just drive around listen to music and be calm go mellow you know that's like the only you saying that is like that's the only reason i would want my driver's license back i fucking

hate driving when people are around i never i do not i never could get into it no i don't like it i'm too like i'm too jittery for a car i I think. Every time I pass somebody, I think they're going to come out and hit me. But when nobody's around, driving is pretty pleasant. Totally. Cruising around the old apartments and old hangs and stuff like that. I used to drive around at night and look for skate spots all the time when I was in high school. Just go to the industrial part of town and just see if there was shit to whatever. Just drive.

Just cruise around. Listen to town and just see if there was shit to... Whatever. Just drive. Just cruise around. Listen to music. And just be calm. Night moves. Yeah. Doesn't that... Daytime. Daytime's different.

And I'm fine driving, but boy, do I still get heated up in the car. In Los Angeles lately, I don't know if this is just me or if it's anecdotal or what, but it feels like people are just more aggro. On the road.

I get that feeling everywhere, man. People are pissed. This is on CNN. This wasn't my algorithm, but that guy that fired the gun in Miami. The woman rolled up on him and threw some garbage at him and he just starts popping. He popped like six caps in his own car. He went John Wick. He fired through the windshield in his own car he went john wick he like

fired through the windshield like he was like he was in the end shootout of heat like it was nuts i didn't think that was gonna happen i thought he would roll the window down but no he blasted through his own windshield windshield at a woman who threw some garbage at his car that that cut that he whatever and i feel you on that like and i have to stop myself because i do i i even loud sometimes i'll be like people get shot and i'll like it'll calm i'll calm myself they do people get shot every day every day in this country people are getting gunned down brutally in cold blood i do the same thing it could be you or or you could get home yeah seven seconds later the thing i always think about is like imagine how stupid that headline is gonna be

you know like comedian sean jordan shot in freak road rage accident at Burger King parking lot. That's like the dumbest shit. Doctors say his dick hole had been attached to his butthole. Right. And he was just a perpetual motion machine of jizz. He's a miracle of biology, the doctor said. We must save his cadaver for future generations. The autopsy revealed there were 10,000 ropes left in his body. Oh, man.

Like the rings of a tree? Yeah. They can tell how old you are? It was like a machine gun, but one of those belt-fed ones, you know, where you see the bullets going across. Like, that's how many ropes this guy had left. Like a bandolier of ropes. Like Chewbacca just bit rope across the chest, dude.

Rope after rope after rope. Yeah, it's going to be sad. Nicest, most positive comedian T-bones somebody in a Burger King drive-thru for, I don't know, the wrong bumper sticker or something. So your dick is just going to be like an old marker now.

You know, where it's like... All scratch, no sniff. Yeah. I'm just going to come back into the doctor and be like, it's dried out. Why haven't I thrown this away? Do I have to put a cap on it now or what needs to happen? It's supposed to smell like grapes. Jason, time for your fourth and then your final pick in the lightning round yeah um i'm gonna pick

it listen it's kind of like uh some of the things that i mentioned but i think it's very specific and it's it's very much it feels like a a guy thing and it can be unhealthy sometimes but i'm talking about doing this in moderation in a healthy way working out sometimes oh yeah sometimes you've got that totally i just got to go punch a punching bag or i just got to go uh you know throw a couple of plates on that squat rack and just like get get busy with it and just really go oh i thought you were throwing plates like at the wall no i'm talking about the i'm talking about that you can do that that makes more sense yeah that's more of like a g a Greek celebratory kind of a thing. But that can happen too.

But I'm talking about like putting the weight plates on that bench press bar and just going for it and be like, I'm going to get everything I need to get out of me out right now. Feeling strong. Whose name do you scream on your final rep that you can't quite do unless you scream their name? Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Fuck, he knows. delano are there more delano no there's that he killed

it he killed it off that's it that's it that's it there's no more i'm bringing it back i'm going to get unsnipped and i'm bringing it back j Jason Delano Borey, dude. Bring it back. Oh, man. That guy is good. Derulo. Jason Delano Derulo Borey. That guy, if he makes it out of high school without getting anybody pregnant, it'll be smooth sailing.

Miracle. Well, you've got to get him snipped right away then if that's your deal. What's the youngest you can get snipped? What's the youngest you can produce fertile jizz? Like 11? I think like 11, 10 think like 11 it's not it's not like it's not like right away you got yeah it's like when puberty right does puberty have anything my kid if i'm like hey man i just don't trust you right can i i'm gonna take your i'm gonna i'm taking your keys for now yeah exactly exactly you can have these back when you're ready these

back when i know that you're a more responsible person. We'll reattach you too, but for now... I really think we should be doing that. And these have nothing to do with each other, but leave that Coke can in the freezer where it is. Yeah. Those are my keys. We're going to take another short break on that can full of jizz moment.

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And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. As we enter the final round of the draft, Jason Concepcion is on the clock drafting stress relievers. Jason? My final pick, much like David and cooking a great dish, I've gotten into baking, baking bread, as many people have during the pandemic. I was inspired by the Great British Bake Off, a show that I love.

And I make different kinds of breads. And, you know, it's a very physical activity. You get to there's a lot of you get to watch something rise, which is inspiring. And the act of kneading dough is really fun, I've found. And then when it comes out, it's- I need a dough for bread sometime. Yeah, and every time I get that bread, that loaf of bread out of the oven, I can't believe that I did that.

It's crazy to me that it happened. Yeah, that's beautiful. You're like, you can just make bread that's that's what is happening like we just go to buy bread and we can make it we i got to make challah bread with uh ian and dana it was sick i didn't really get to do anything it was tight you braid it and everything it was the first step to converting dude you're like a third of a jew now you're almost there really we're getting you there bit by bit i hope uh producing fertile semen isn't any part of that because i won't be able to do that

everybody froze oh i'm back we're back now everybody froze i was waiting for ian's call i want to speak for that i can't speak for the tribe it's not my place to speak about that. I wanted to sit in that moment. No, there are Jewish women who don't produce any semen. Fertile or otherwise. As it is matrilineal culture. You will be considered a Jewish woman.

John, time for your final pick. Now, doctor, before we do this, my friend told me something. I'm just going to need you to confirm this he said that in the eyes of adenoy where do i go when i die if you do this right uh last pick i'm gonna pick skateboarding obviously it's nothing too much to say but i just go shredding and it is the ultimate stress relie obviously it's nothing too much to say but I just go shredding and it is the ultimate stress reliever

it's you know you can be as aggressive as you want or you can be as chill as you want it's fun it's great

yeah I've seen some stressed out skaters before but I think by and large it chills you out well sometimes you just go take your day like sometimes

I don't land you're not landing tricks or whatever and you just throw your board it doesn't happen a lot anymore but yeah you can get pretty pissed off and slam your board against a fence 50 times and then all of a sudden you're not landing tricks or whatever and you just throw your board it doesn't happen a lot anymore but yeah you can get pretty pissed off and slam your board against a fence 50 times and

then all of a sudden you're not mad anymore so you took out something else on your board not really skating but you know it's all the same all in the same pool jaw feel uh david time for your final pick job this one i'm so glad to be able to pick it because for a long time it was not like that but now man just because of the way everything's going do a set and i know that's not for everybody you know but like for me like it's just like nice to go and be like this is a thing that i can control and yeah is all me and i'm not waiting on notes or something from anybody it's just like all my own thing that i can put out there and it feels very good that That's great. I love that.

I always feel better after a set with 99% of them. I was going to say most of them I do. Yeah. Sometimes. But then if I don't, man, I don't feel good until I do another one. And that's a tough couple of days sometimes.

Yeah. My final pick, I'm going to take playing video games. Yeah. I fucking love it. Hell yeah. Especially the kind I play. I back myself in a very unstressed out

corner i play civilization yeah i play fucking what was the one where you had chungus stardew valley i play i love stardew valley laid back i only play laid back games now i play nba 2k with the sliders in an advantageous way yeah i just like i'm in a fucking hot tub dude i like to practice i like to practice mindfulness i i uh i meditate i also like to practice mindlessness where there's nothing going on up here oh yeah you know it used to it used to almost calm me down when i would watch you play games i would just sit there and watch it like it was tv like it was a real basketball game that's's a whole genre, right? People like watching people play video games.

I enjoyed it. It was never, you know, I would always be like, we can shut it off. I'm like, dude, it's fun. I mean, it's like a real game. I don't know. What's the difference? I mean, I know what the difference is, but... Well, listen, that brings us to the end of our draft. Marissa, do you have a pick? Yes. I don't do this much anymore,

but what used to be a really good stress reliever for me was spoken weed. Oh, spoken weed! Yeah, there you go. That's a good one. This is Marissa. I wish that that still de-stressed me. Now it makes me an anxious little bunny rabbit.

Well, the weed is so strong now that it can really, if you make, if you, you know, miss, miss, you know, mistime your strain or like smoke the wrong thing, you could really be in some trouble. For sure. As someone who has dabbled in the cannabis industry. Yeah. When there's so many options now, it's just so much harder to dial in that it feels like it used to be. That's how I feel about hard seltzer. It's like I used to just have the one and now

just so many of them. What is hard seltzer? You didn't say seltzer, Sean. No, it's the shotgun stuff. Smoking weed, Marissa. Big hits from the bong fan, dude. Come on! To recap, Jason, you went first. You took masturbating, retail therapy,

candles, working out, and baking. Sean, you took taking a bath and getting a little hammered going to the movies driving at night when there's no one around and skateboarding david you took taking a walk cleaning your house riding an above-ground train cooking a big-ass meal and doing a set of stand-up comedy i went last and i took riding my bike confronting what's stressing you out hiking spending time with family, and video games. We left some good stuff on the board.

Reading. Yeah. Oh yeah, reading was on there. Taking a huge deuce. Swimming. Oh yeah, La Puerta. Going to the water. Yeah, like being in the ocean or a river or a lake or something.

Just being around water, obviously. Yeah. My cats. They calm me down quite a bit. Your cats were on my list as well. Mowing the lawn? I like to mow the lawn. Oh, Hank. Hank, baby.

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