All Fantasy Everything - Summer Nights (w/ Andrew Ti, Sean O'Connor, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

Summer days, drifting away... but OH THOSE SU-UHHHHH-MERRRRRRRRRRRR FANTASY DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFTS.I'll tell you more, tell you more - Ian's got comedians David Gborie and Sean O'Connor and writer/podcast host/bon vivant/chicken expert Andrew Ti to draft summer nights.Episode Guests:Andrew TI @ANDREWTI IG: @Andrewti Podcast: Yo, is This Racist?Sean O'Connor @seanoconnz IG: @seanoconnzSupport the show!Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that's back from on the road for a couple days. Yeah. Yeah. Hot. Hot. Been sweating up this whole country.

Just getting the windows steamed up all across America. God, I was just dripping in Phoenix. Sweating in bus seats. Sweating in bus seats. Fogging up windows. Fogging up windows. Fogging up glasses. Ladies.

Oh, yes. Fellas. Loosening ties. Holding water bottles to the back of your neck at some point, probably. It's like in that En Vogue video when they sang Don't Let Go. Have you seen that? Yeah. And then all the guys in the crowd are like, it's too sexy. And they can't handle it.

That's been me all tour this summer. I mean, the people listening have seen it. They have. Thank you guys so much for coming out, by the way. Did a hell of people come out? People have come out to everything that I've done this whole year, and it's been so nice. I hope they continue to come out and see us in Denver tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. So when you're listening to this, we'll be there tonight. We'll be there tonight. Just doing stand-up. I'm just going to, yeah. You got a show. I got a show. Yeah.

Check those out on the High Plains website. Sean has a show. Jordan, who's not in the room. Nope. For some sucker-ass reason. I don't even know. Oh, man. I saw Instagram stories where he was on a boat, and it was like, this wedding sure is a lot of days.

It was a wedding on a fucking Saturday that he left for on a Wednesday. And it's Tuesday. It's Tuesday. Just for the listeners at home. Just say you want to go on vacation, Sean. Just take a little vacation. It's okay. You don't have to pretend like.

Right? You just go out. You wanted to get on the lake with Scuzzbutt and your other friends. Yeah, Scuzzbutt, Possumass. Swampass. Trewingo. Just the guy from ESPN. You guys can talk, by the way. You know you can talk. Well, I didn't want to throw Sean under the bus, but as I was driving up here, I saw him tweeting about how he just met one of his favorite skateboarders.

Did he really? He was like, I'm shaking. I just met a skateboarder. He did a Ferris Bueller's Day Off on this shit? He's been lying about where he is. Ferris Bueller's Week off on this shit He's been lying about where he is Ferris Bueller's week off man We don't know where the fuck that's gone He said he went to a wedding He's been waiting outside of like a Tilly's

Five days To shake Paul Rodriguez's son's hand Oh man I will say this I've been on this show a couple times now And every single time Sean Jordan has not been here. Is that true? Have you not been here with Sean?

I only met him recently. Oh, fucking wild. In Echo Park, hanging out. Yeah, that's hilarious. And the fact that you have me here again with a fake Sean, this feels like a slap in the face. I'm not going to say fake. A real Sean. I would say I'm a real Sean.

No, you're a fake-ass Sean, Josh. This feels like a bait-and-switch. Feels like a bait-and-switch. Is Sean going to be there? Yeah. Sean will be there. I'm a real Sean. Kickflip.

McTwist. I wish you guys could have seen Sean's shoulders when he said McTwist. He was doing a jazzy little shoulder. That was perfect. Chaka, brah. I want to eat a corn dog. Yeah, see, that's Sean Jordan.

You know what? Y'all should have just told me this was Sean Jordan. It was fine. You're tripping, Andrew. Gosh, Sean Jordan and the house, man. They're all the same. You've been on the podcast a bunch, Sean O'Connor. If it weren't for Sean Jordan, you'd easily be our most popular Sean.

I know. And I'm happy being the number two Sean here. Anytime Sean's not here, I'll be here. And this is my first time with Andrew T. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Okay.

That's weird. It is weird. Yeah, because you've both been on a lot. Well, this is your third one. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I just joined the five-timers club. I, because you've both been on a lot. Well, this is your third one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I just joined the five-timers club.

I think you are the five-timers club. I was downstairs with Tom Hanks, Paul McCartney, Steve Martin. That's why you got that punch card. Yeah. That was dope. Alec Baldwin. He was there. Colin Jost was there, who's never hosted.

No, but of course he would be. Colin Jost, man. What? Something about that guy. That's something. A lot about that guy. I like people that are so rich they don't even know how to not be rich. Right.

He must have grown up rich, right? Yeah, look at his face. He's got a rich face. He's very handsome. He grew up in Staten Island, so even if he didn't grow up rich, he definitely grew up to be the smartest person in Staten Island. Right. Oh, yeah. So there has that little chip on his shoulder.

He's the king of Staten Island. He is. Yeah. He's royalty. It's him and the RZA. Yeah. Are the two competing kings. Is Pete Davidson Staten Island, too?

Pete Davidson's Staten Island. But he's like real Staten Island. Yeah, yeah. How big is this island? Like, I think... Big. It's surprisingly big. I think Colin took a private boat off the island to New York for private school.

That's my guess. Okay. That's my guess. One of those little wooden ones with a little flag on the back. Yeah. They mocked the ferry as people commuted to New York. The Staten Island yacht. Andrew T.

Back again. At Andrew T. Correct. T-I. Yeah, yeah. Like Kip Harris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Host of the Yo, Is This Racist podcast extraordinaire.

Still host. Still alive. Yeah, man. Check that shit out. Is everything still racist? I haven't been on it in a while. Oh, you know why? We've just been kind of, you know, we cleared up the racism thing like a year ago.

Nice. And so we're just kind of chilling at this point. Yeah, society is really reflecting that. Yeah. Yeah. We've got a lot better. I've really been feeling the waves of that, the ripples. How do you even handle it now where it's like, yo, is everything racist?

It's so specific. How do you even handle it now where it's like, yo, is everything racist? Because it's so specific. It's a little bit like, and I think the general audience got too educated about shit. Everyone got so woke that now it's like real in the weeds racism. We're just like, okay, here's the specific weird thing that Trump did or the specific weird thing that like, you know, fucking Santa Monica Nazis did. Just all kinds of little shit that people get. You don't have to like, it's not as 101 as it used to be. Right.

Yeah. Which is good. It's bad. It's real bad. You didn't solve racism, but I will say, since you've had this podcast, when you started, there was zero Black Panther movies. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And now he's been in three. Yeah. He created that shit. I think. Yeah. So good job. Has he been in three?

Yeah, he's been in three movies. Civil War, Black Panther, and Avengers Full Throttle, or whatever it's called. The Infinity War, right? Yeah. Full Throttle. I like the idea of them all just wearing their outfits, but they have long hair coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's Full Throttle. I like the idea of them all just wearing their outfits, but they have long hair coming out. And that's full throttle.

If I could, I know I usually, y'all are the real performers, but we started doing a live Yos is Racist. Are you kidding me? Please talk about it. This one's down. We're doing Chicago Podfest the week after Thanksgiving. Oh, fuck. They keep hitting us up. So tickets will be on sale.

You guys should do it. Sorry. Keep talking. No, do it. Yeah, ChicagoPodFest on November 29th. I think tickets probably won't be on sale, but I don't know. Look. See if tickets are on sale.

Look at my Twitter. I don't know. No, I'm telling them. Yeah. Subscribe to the email updates. It won't be annoying. Just figure shit out. Yeah. Just get to the fucking show. But I'm saying, we Yeah. Subscribe to the email updates. It won't be annoying. Just figure shit out. Yeah.

Just get to the fucking show. But I'm saying, we just did a Detroit Improv Festival, so now I'm just getting stage time for this shit. Isn't it a great fake job? It's ridiculous. Yeah. I'm into it. You can buy tickets at alcaponepodcastfest.com.

That probably works. That probably works. That probably works. Oh, and the other thing I was told to plug, uh, we got merch. There's yo, is this racist merch?

Oh, tight. So if you want some shit that may or may not get your ass beat in like 95% of the country. Yeah. Wait, what is your merch? Hit it up. I think it's just a swastika.

Swastika with a little question mark. You should do hyper color so when you touch a hand, it changes from a swastika. Depending on how sweaty you get, how nervous you get, it changes from yes to no. Oh, God, I'd be yes all day. These are all merch ideas. No, whichever one's sweaty. The t-shirt should just be a screenshot of Billy Crystal doing his Muhammad Ali impression with just, yes, an impact font underneath it. These are all great ideas.

I'm going to be honest. We got pitched so many ideas because basically all the ideas were – all the designs were shit that people sent in and we've just been accumulating. And I actually don't know which ones Earwolf decided were worthy of elevating to actual merch. So the answer is I don't know right now, but go check it out. It'll be a surprise to you too. Yeah, it'll be fun. What a fun time. Yeah.

Yeah. Fun time for all. That's how we're doing this. So while we're on the topic of things racist, a weird thing happened to me in the last 48 hours. Yes. He was recorded by Omarosa. He was recorded by Omarosa.

Saying some things that out of context seem bad. Oh my God. She had a giant sunflower pen. How did he, how are you going to get caught by a cartoon villain on tape? I don't know. What do you mean? That's the natural progression of this ridiculous story. That's true. That's the only other thing that could happen.

Sending in Omarosa to get... It's like the little old lady who swallowed a fly. It's just like, then she's going to be president, and we're going to need something crazier to take her down. We're at a place now where it's bad girls club rules. That's it. The only thing that can take down the head bitch is an even bigger bitch. Man, I love bad girls club.

It's fucking true, though. It is bad girls club rules. I mean, Omarosa, she changed Michael Clark Duncan's will three months before he died so she would get everything. That is the baddest bitch. She's a nothing to something bitch, too. Someone's going to scratch Putin. That's how this ends.

Somebody's going to scratch Putin? Yeah, just like, let's go. Damn, that was going to be. I want to see Putin fight somebody so bad. Oh, I bet he would fucking take them apart. I think there's tapes of that. I can't call. No, I don't mean Trump.

I just want to see Putin fight somebody. Like martial arts. Yeah. Yeah, just like I want to see him fight another guy. Wait, you know Judo? Yeah, he's tapes of that. I can't call. No, I don't mean Trump. I just want to see Putin fight somebody. Like martial arts. Yeah. Yeah, just like I want to see him fight another guy. He knows judo. Yo, he's like a, I mean. But here's what I'm saying. Is he a Kim Jong-un judo champion?

That's what I'm saying. But I think he's kind of real. He's not studying with Ralph Gracie. It's Russia. He thinks he's also good at basketball. I don't know. And other activities. I think Putin might be good at judo.

Yeah, i think so he was a kgb agent yeah a kgb agent and it's russia so like base level that dude is sleeping on nails he's just because there's wolves in the supermarket he has to like did you see that shit where putin like got a like a hang glider or like a motorized glider that was dressed like a bird to help direct this flock of geese across Russia? What? It is amazing. That dude's really doing whatever.

There was a movie about that, right? Fly Away Home. Fly Away Home. He Fly Away Home'd? Putin. He's a glider. People also think he's the richest person in the world and his money's just not publicized. Migration.

Yeah. He's like a cello that's like a billion dollars. Yeah. Okay. I feel like he's great. He's awesome. We are a pro-Putin podcast. I was going to say, all these stats are really turning me. Yeah. We might have to do the podcast on Russian Times from now on.

It is funny that he likes birds that much more than journalists. Holy shit. Is that real? Yeah, it's real. Holy shit! Is that real? Yeah, it's real. Holy shit! It's real weird. Yo, that's a bird copter! It's just so bizarre. Oh, that's so cool. Good for him.

What a weird dude. Yeah, we love Putin. You know what? I'm sold. Yeah, pro-Putin podcast. I run into that a lot where I like bad guys' antics. I don't like the bad guys, but the antics are so appealing. I love bad guy antics. I don't like the bad guys, but the antics are so appealing. But I love bad guy antics. God, the antics are great.

Oh, man. I bet he's on swords, like cool swords. I bet you he's got crazy shit. Shit like old kings shit. I bet you he's got like, you remember those creepy crawler ovens? Yeah. But it makes real monsters. Yeah.

Like the Nazis developed them but the Soviets took it when Berlin fell DNA lab that was so whimsical I'm not going to say that he actually does have Steven Seagal

he acquired he acquired Steven Seagal Steven Seagal is for hire though man I watched Steven Seagal Law Man

we could get him over here good one oh man one of them in a game of dominoes okay so here's I watched Steven Seagal Law, man. We could get him over here easily. Good one. Oh, man. One of them in a game of dominoes. Okay, so here's the weird thing that happened. I tweeted some tweet about, so a mountain lion broke into a house and ate a house cat.

And the family was very sad about it. And I was like, they shouldn't be sad. They should be celebrating their new, better cat, right? Yeah. So it went very low-key very low-key viral whatever but one of the early people who retweeted it somehow so one person retweeted onto somebody's uh timeline uh and who had a fox news follower yeah and they saw it and they retweeted it and then ben shapiro retweeted it whoa Whoa. You know, that little, like, wants to, like, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,

like, debate me for 10 grand. So then all of a sudden, it was like this tweet that was floating along in the alt-right Trump world. Because they're not actually that funny. They're not funny. They need you. They do need me, but I'm not the hero they want. You're very much the opposite of the hero they want.

For so many reasons. I'm the villain antics they need. But it was the weirdest feeling because it was just floating along in their world. And I kept being like, don't look at any of my other tweets. Please don't look at any of my other tweets. Because they get so angry. Because they've come after you before. You've been doxxed, right?

I've been doxxed. They doxxed family addresses, old ones. Here's a good thing. Oh, I guess family's not great. Doxxing you. Please send the doxxing to me. Did you take a screenshot of his retweet? Yes, I did. Here's what's so perfect, because whatever happens is

whenever someone talks about this thing, inherently, all the right start going like, he says he's a comedian. Yeah. And then now you have proof. Oh, yeah. Your boy loved it.

Yeah, so-called comedian Ian Carmel doesn't like Trump. I should, because I have the other one from when the prison planet, that Paul Joseph Watson guy. God, that's so weird. Was like pissed at me. Look at this. The world's angriest boy liked it. Yeah.

Right. He like wished upon a star, became a real live boy. And then liked it. But it wasn't enough. He's still angry. And then today, Nick Thune DM'd me on Instagram. And I'm just bragging about that. You know, pretty popular.

No, but he DM'd me. And like Owen Benjamin had screenshotted one of my tweets and said now this like and was like uh now this is how you make fun of donald trump this is the right way to do it it's the first time i've seen a funny uh trump tweet where did he where did he publish it on his instagram benjamin has instagram Instagrams? This is just the sprinkling of Ian being seduced by the right. I'm coming in from the cold.

You're getting Anakin. Right, dude? I'm getting fucking Anakin. Ian, that's the best. Weird, man. What was your Trump tweet that's the right way to do it? It's just a dumb... He rocks! I can't believe there's a president who has sex it. It's just a dumb, it was like, I can't, he rocks. I can't believe

there's a president who has sex with porn stars and wants a space army and I still hate him. That's a great joke. Great joke. So should we have Owen on next week?

Yeah, Owen's coming on. You can get Owen on and just draft racial slurs. Yeah. Oh man. I cap out at 10. Five hour episode. She brings in a Rolodex.

Let's start with the Polish. Let's do a top seven. Let's do a top seven. We could do this. If we did that, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm taking an all Italian team. All Italian.

That's crazy because that's also what I was going to do. Hey, we're going to fight it out. Maybe we should just draft Italian slurs. Because I've got some I've made up that I feel like would be good. Piano movers? A bunch of fucking piano movers.

Oh, man. Gondola boys. Gondola boys. Gondola boys is good. That sounds terrible. I like you. Why are we here? Yeah.

A little racism. Yeah, so check out the merch. Check out your live dates. Thank you. I haven't fully analyzed how I feel about those people retweeting it. Honestly, part of me, there was a thought as I was leaving a stand-up show, I'm like, you know what? He thought something I said was funny.

Maybe there's common ground that we could reach each other on. I mean, uniting the sides with humor. Yeah, with humor. The dream. But they're not that funny. Why are they not that funny? They're so not funny. Some of them have got to be funny.

I think funny right-wing people aren't drawn to comedy as a career because it's stupid. Yeah. But like, there's got to be. There's funny people over there. Like Nick DiPaolo's funny. Right. Yeah. He was funny.

I don't know if he is anymore. Yeah, but he was funny. But he was so funny. I think people get like, get a think here's the thing I think about, like, cause every day, every like four years, they're like,

this one's going to be the right wing daily show. We got it. Yeah. It's like white basketball players. Yeah. But they always, and it always ends up being like three episodes in there. Like remember whitewater or,

you know, or like, you're like, Oh, Clinton's a horndog. I think it's like, they don't have to raise the bar ever. Like their audience will eat it up

with just like the lowest possible bar. What they also do on those like the right wing daily shows is they never actually talk about the news in any satirical way. What they'll do is just be like, so I'm a hipster and I just want to have avocado toast. Here's $35. It's like, no, let's go to Chinese town.

Okay. But in all fairness, my mom asked me how was California this morning and I said that. So that's like. But that's true. That is true. But that's a thing that anyone could spit out. They don't have to go past. Often they don't have to go past the shit that anyone could spit out.

Or, you know know a funny person If you gave Jesse Waters like a daily show Right now on Fox News I guarantee the first thing would be Him going to like a Target and being like I can't use a men's bathroom I can't use it It's a men's bathroom

It's like this is what they're all like It's gonna 100% be like that I do know a conservative kid though one time and he shit in the sink in 8th grade and it's probably one of the funnier things

I've ever heard and the work of Kevin James are probably the two funniest conservatives shout out to Andy Quinn and the King of Queens some of those jackass guys have to be

milled in all right now yeah oh man I can't believe I probably took them there I can't believe how much I used to love like Vice right now. Yeah. Oh, man. I probably took them there. I can't believe how much I used to love like Vice, Do's and Don'ts

and shit like that back in the day. Oh, man. I forgot about that. Those were all written by Gavin McGinnis. Oh, was it? It was.

Most of them, yeah. I remember fist pumping when Gavin McGinnis followed me on Twitter. And then fist pumping again when I unfollowed him. And that was all last week. Clocked in and clocked out.

Ooh, no, we had a good three-year run. I used to talk to him over DMs. And then, like, it all started so small. There was, like, sprinkles in. Like, because he started doing stand-up. And his stand-up was like, if I see lesbians playing catch, I go over with their kid. I teach the kid how to really play catch. And I'm like, that's a weird joke and not really a joke and seems kind of hateful.

And then all of a sudden he's like, we're the Proud Boys. No one has ever been raped. We don't come. Are they still not coming? They don't come. Some of them aren't coming. Yeah, a lot of them aren't coming. That's who I want not coming? They don't come. Some of them aren't coming. Yeah, a lot of them aren't coming. That's who I want not coming.

Yeah. Just come. Just bust a nut. Come on. Come all the time. Bust two nuts and shut the fuck up. Bust two nuts and shut the fuck up. That's the new one.

That's the t-shirt. We should dress you up like a doctor. I just put like a stethoscope on like his forehead. All right, I'm going to need you to bust two nuts and shut the fuck up. Is that... Are they the proud boys because when you gum you feel so shameful?

Oh, and they want to keep their pride. They want to keep their pride all inside until it explodes. I think it's just like a white pride thing, but I like your answer better. Oh, is that? Are there only white Proud Boys? No, that's the weirdest part. Because I heard that this American life where Patrice O'Neill's friend

got caught up with the Proud Boys, and at the end of the episode he's like, I didn't really know what they were about. I just really like Ben Sherman. There's this big guy up in Portland and Vancouver area, this big Samoan dude who's like their enforcer. Oh, I've heard of him.

He fought Tim Ledwick. Yeah, Tiny Tuatolo or something like that. Oh, ironic Tiny. Yeah, ironic Tiny. Yeah, he's gigantic. I think there's a Mexican dude in like the Orange County crowd. I mean, fine. They're more sexist than racist, I guess.

Yeah. They're still Nazis. They're still Nazis. Yeah, they're more sexist than racist, I guess. Yeah. They're still Nazis. They're still Nazis. Yeah, they're Nazis. Yeah. I'll tell you who's not a Nazi, Sean O'Connor. Not yet, but I can be swayed. Give those retweets.

Give those RTs. At Sean O'Connor's with a Z. Oh, yeah. On Twitter. And since today is August 23rd. Yes, it is. Wink, wink. Yes, it is.

You can check out episodes of Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy. I don't know how they turned out, but I wrote two of them. And apparently, Sonny Crackle's free. Fingers crossed. It's on Crackle? It's on Sonny Crackle. Sonny Crackle. Do you have to say Sony before Crackle every time?

Sonny Crackle. Yeah, they did a rebranding. Sonny Crackle. Sony Crackle. Do you have to say Sony before Crackle every time? Sony Crackle. Yeah, they did a rebranding. Sonny Crackle. And a little insight to the show. It was originally called Rob Riggle's Jet Ski Academy, but only one company makes jet skis, and they did not like that this show made fun of jet ski culture. Really?

Sea Dew wasn't into it? No, so we had to call it Ski Master Academy, based on his fictitious movies he was in. Do they own jet ski like as a? Yeah. Whoa. What if I'm a Polish guy whose last name is Jet Ski? Then it's fine.

Jet Ski is personal watercraft. They should have made it Wave Runner Academy. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think they had a similar problem. Right. Personal watercraft doesn't have the same ring. That sounds like what we've got to get into. That's the racket.

I'm going to make jet skis for minorities. I'm not going to explain how that would work right now. I get it. You just say the word. I understand. Yeah, there's some accessories. We're taking this podcast money. We're putting it in jet skis.

You're talking about all fantasy everything. Now you're in on it, too. Now you're in on it, too. Now you're in on it, too. I'm going to sit this one out. No, you are. You're going to accumulate massive debt like the rest of us. What else have you got going on, Sean?

Oh, my God. Just that is the only thing I can talk about at this point. But so much. I think I've seen you since you had your baby thing I can talk about at this point. Yeah. Yeah, but so much. I don't think I've seen you since you had your baby. I have a baby. He's now 15 months. Congrats. It's been a while.

I'm kind of waiting on it to promote him when he hits 18 months. Yeah, he is. Totally. Sorry, sorry, sorry. But he is available for casting. Just hit up... My wife. My wife.

My wife at caa.com so rachel yeah yeah yeah uh what uh are you gonna try to force him into any sports like tiger woods his dad yes i mean oh yeah like his day right i mean his days have been nothing but baseball yeah like we watch baseball every day. He's starting to pick up a little thing, little things here and there. But if he doesn't want to do that, the other thing he's really into is being a Paddington. He loves Paddington. Sure.

So I'm just going to let him destroy our house and see how that fits. That's a good parenting strategy. Paddington will die at some point and they'll need a new Paddington. Will he die? I thought the witch doctor gave him unnatural life. Wasn't he a computer? The bear? Paddington bear? He's from Peru.

He's a real bear from Peru. Who taught him how to talk? I don't know. The public school system in England? Harrow? He's a real bear. I haven't know how to talk. I don't know. The public school system in England? Oh, Peru. Harrow? Yeah. All right. No, he's a real bear. I haven't seen those movies.

I haven't seen those movies. I heard they're amazing. They're incredible. He's just a bear who can talk? I feel like this bit got a little away from us. He is a CGI bear. He is a CGI bear. It's not a real bear.

But Paddington can talk in the movies, and the reason why is an English adventurer in the 20s came to Peru and taught bears how to talk. Then when those bears learned to talk, they met came to Peru and taught bears how to talk. Then when those bears learned to talk, they met Paddington and taught him how to talk. Okay. What the fuck? He's not magic. He's just really sweet.

He's a sweet boy. He's the sweetest boy. And honestly, the way this culture's going, we need Paddington. Tell him about it, man. Yeah, let him know. Paddington, you'll never be Me Too'd or Nanetted. Never get Nanetted.

Oh, that's the other area I want to promote. Nanette 2. Electric Boogaloo. It's coming to CBS All Access. That's all I can say. Yeah, that's all I can say, but it's my one-man show, Nanette 2. I've never wanted you to follow

through on anything more. I know. Please do that. You know what? I'll workshop it. I'll come do a couple Hyperion and just run it I'll come do a couple days the angriest men see this is why I said

I'm not a Nazi yet yet and that too's part of it that's what happens at the end yeah I don't release the tension

I become a Nazi I turn it into a ball I become a Nazi do you have anything else to promote anything else people can check out I mean

the next time I'm here I'll have stuff to promote that I can't wait to talk about. Come back to the Late Late Show. Oh, yeah. Well, watch that every night. Watch the Late Late Show every night. And I'll probably be back there in the fall. Hopefully. Hopefully.

Guys, stop working with Paul McCartney. You know our relationship. It's awkward. Oh, that's why you've been blackballed. Yeah, me, him, and Donald Glover used to run a show in New York. It was at Rafifi, right? It was at Rafifi. Oh, man.

That beef never dies. The G in silent is back in the studio. Hey, I'm here. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Not going to change it. Never going to change it. Never going to change it. How the hell are you, man?

It's been a minute. I'm good. You know, I've just been traveling pretty much all the summer. Yeah. When this comes out, I'm going to be traveling. You will have just been in Austin. I will have just been in Austin. Thank you for all the AFV fans who came out to that.

You know they're going to represent. Yeah, I trust you. Let's get this bonus because Daddy needs to eat meat next week. Yeah, got to have a meat week. Got to have a meat week. A lot of cucumbers. Yeah, no, I'm good. I just went up to Portland. Thanks so much for you guys all

coming out to that Portland show. Thanks for coming to the Salem show. Oh, yeah. Thanks for coming to the Seattle shows. Yeah. My man who brought me the Hennessy in Seattle, I don't know what the deal is, but it was bad. Dude, what? It was expired Hennessy. How is that possible?

There was a lot of Chinese characters on the label. I don't know, but that Hennessy was not good. You got Chinese Hennessy. That's different. You know but that Hennessy was not good. You got Chinese Hennessy. That's different. You know about Chinese Hennessy? There's a lot of Chinese booze that's either not real, or did it taste a little bit like, did it smell like nail polish remover a little bit?

It tasted kind of like vinegar. It was rough. There's this Chinese booze that they kind of cut stuff with sometimes that smells so much like nail polish remover, it's hard to believe it's not. Whoa. It's real gross. Is there a whole world of Chinese knockoff of liquor? I, listen.

I mean, he said Chinese Hennessy. That wasn't his first time. I'm going to peel back the curtain a little bit. It was natural. Chinese people will knock off anything. I've had Chinese alizé. Chinese hypnotic for me. I've been drinking Chinese hypnotic all summer.

It turns red. China seems truly wild. One of the writers on our show, Lawrence Dai, shout out to Lawrence Dai, went to China over, he's a Chinese guy, went to China back over the hiatus and just brought back like all these weird. Yeah. Little like. Money sacks? Yeah, money. That all had these weird sayings on them?

Wait, like the. Like I'm number one sex guy or like. Wait, was it like a, like a, more like a fanny pack sort of deal? It was like a little, yeah, it was like almost like something you would keep pencils in back in school. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a clutch. A clutch with a zipper. But they were all beige and some of them had

Mao Zedong on them. But others had weird sex phrases. I give money to wife and then I take this to sex factory. What? I love shit. Because often that shit is like directly like word for word translated from the chinese or or it's like english to chinese and

then like just through google translate back yeah so it's like always real weird i feel it's like one of those things where like i find it really funny but sometimes like because often my dad will have shirts like that from when he when every time he goes back to china or taiwan he'll just come back with shit that's just like you know like a sweatshirt that just says time on it yeah man i'm like so like a clock face and the word time and i was like this is awesome i want that yeah that uh sweatshirt fell apart after like two laundry cycles. It was very cheaply made. But then sometimes he'll have shit that's so wild

that I'm like, this is like, if I wear this, it'll look like I'm making fun of people who don't speak English very well. And I'm like, this is not great. Like, it's so funny to me, but there's a lot of people laughing for the wrong reasons. Right, right, right, right. Anyway, but yeah, Chinese, because it's like Chinese people kind of like idolize English and America in some like cultural respect.

And they also, like a lot of people just fully read English, but also a lot of them don't. but also a lot of them don't. Saying that they idolize America does make sense because one of the ones he brought back said, Toby Keith is my dad. Are you serious? They even got Toby Keith over there. They often don't get the people, they're just like, you know, they like sex.

They don't know that fuck is like, you know, not something. It's not a bad word. Yeah, you wouldn't like print on a t-shirt or whatever. Oh man, so it, they like sex. They don't know that fuck is like, you know, not something. It's not a bad word. Yeah, you wouldn't like print on a t-shirt or whatever. Oh, man. So it's just like kids. Yeah, yeah. Fucking kids.

I love sexy kids. Sexy boys. And it's just like, well. By the way, you are going to get James Gunn. That's my shirt. I love it. Sexy kids, sexy boys? Oh, really?

Oh, man. If that's how I'm going out, that's fine. I'm just upset because I was excited to see what you were going to do with Guardians of the Galaxy 3. Oh, man. I had a lot of plans. You were a weird choice, but... It was going to be mad Chinese. It was going to be starring number one sexy guy. Yeah.

Just like a whole parallel knockoff crew of Guardians of the Galaxy. First of all, I want to be in a knockoff crew real bad. That's my favorite kind of thing. They usually only do it on kids' cartoons where it's like the bad guys who are just the mirror image of every good guy in the team. Oh, yeah, yeah. Favorite episode always. Yeah, they do love the... Mustache or a soul patch.

Or just very similar, but just not quite the same. Moon man! I'm the dumb fat guy who crashes through walls, but I'm blue. They totally would do that. Yeah, all the time. I love that. Same cell animation, different feel. Also, shout out to all the fat dumb guys who ran through walls.

Got me through my childhood. I always loved the big dumb bruisers. Kool-Aid men. Animation, different feel. Also, shout out to all the fat, dumb guys who ran through walls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got me through my childhood. Really helped us. I always loved the big, dumb bruisers. Kool-Aid men. Kool-Aid men. Who's that guy, the rhino, who just runs the rhino? All he does is, or no, juggernaut. Juggernaut.

All he does is juggernaut, bitch. Oh, yeah. You remember that video? Yeah. He says it, right? Yeah. Yeah. He said, I'm the juggernaut.

But then these people made this like 50 it was early internet video yeah it was an early internet video and then in an extra movie yeah yeah yeah

they say he actually does it yeah yeah juggernaut the thing the Hulk yeah yeah I mean like

come on big dudes who can't control their power that's what I'm about yeah and that's the problem with the with this world Mark Ruffalo there's tons of big dudes who can't control their power. That's what I'm about. And that's the problem with this world.

Mark Ruffalo? There's tons of big dudes who can't control their power. He's workshopping Nanette, too. It's mostly about Mark Ruffalo. Save for the stage. Do you have anything to promote? I mean, obviously, come see us at Denver High Plains Comedy Festival this weekend. This weekend.

Go see Sean next weekend. I think I'll be in L.A. all September. Nice. Come see me do Put Your Hands Together on 9-11. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, listen to all fantasy and everything. Because of 9-11. A solemn Put Your Hands Together.

Yeah. Maybe don't put your hands together. Maybe just put them in your lap respectfully. Yeah, jazz snap. Moment of silence now. It's the one time I'll allow a room full of white people to jazz snap. So enjoy it, Los Angeles.

Sounds like somebody is in an AD on the marvelous Mrs. Meisel. I said keep it on stage. on the marvelous Mrs. Meisel. I said keep it on stage. Man, I want to be, they had like two comedians be consultants on that show last year. I know. And I wanted,

I was like, let me do that. I would love to do that. All of her jokes are just like, oh, my husband. Wait, who are the two comedians? Noah Garden Schwartz. Shout out to 303 Mile High Till I Die. And Jen Kirkman.

And Kirk's, yeah. Jenny Kirk's. I do think that's the best comedy TV show right now. Oh. Maisel. Oh, yeah. Oh, it nails what it's like to be a comedian. Yeah.

Far more than the other program. It really does, yeah. That will remain unnamed. She's not famous after two episodes. It's perfect. I like the other one that I saw you on, though, too. It took me a while. At first, I didn't like it, and then I got into it.

It's like... It's so serious. You don't know comics like that who are like, that dude... But then there's the characters that are fun, and they're having fun. I feel like R.J. Seiler and Michael Aguilera's characters are more in what it's like to be young in comedy. But then when you get Andrew Santino's character, it's just like, whoever he's based on, I hope that guy killed himself.

Dude, for real! And Santino's so cool! I did a scene with Santino for this last season, and his character was so serious during it. Every time, I feel like that Hulk shows him just saying, you gotta want it. Yeah. You gotta want it more than they do.

Everything that happens to them is out of your mouth, you stupid motherfucker. And then when you have those scenes where he's so serious, and then you see him on stage, he's like, you know, dogs talk funny. Are you like, this is the truth? Yep. I mean, this is an accurate portrayal of comedy.

It sucks. I've never seen that. Is that one of those shows that has a lot of actual stand up in the show? No, not a ton. I hate shows where they're like, this artist is so great, and then show the art. I know, that's never good. How are you going to do that?

Al Madrigal's character is very funny when he's on stage. Because he's definitely making fun of this type of comedian. Right, right, right. But those jokes are like, they work any generation. Also, Madrigal, his face is just so funny.

Yeah. He's just always making that weird face. It's great. I love Al Madrigal. Yeah. Yeah, watch him die. That's the plug. But I mean, it's just anything with being set in Hollywood.

Yeah, yeah. Entourage, none of those movies, all those movies. I guess the point of Entourage, though, was that they were all bad. It's easier to write a bad thing. Queen's Boulevard was supposed to be good, right? That's right. Queen's Boulevard was supposed to be so good. They got Aquaman, which was then the

biggest box office hit of all time. Yeah. Oh. All those movies were supposed to be good. Man, I Eat'em was supposed to be the only bomb, right? Yeah. Right. I guess in Ballers, they're actually good at football too, so it's all the same. Ballers is back.

That's what I was watching before I got here. I watched it the other night. I'll watch it again. I cannot believe you haven't watched Ballers. Sean, you have to watch Ballers. There's almost nothing more Sean than Ballers. I know. Can I propose something for you right now? Because we've been talking about doing this Ballers podcast.

Oh, shit. You haven't seen it. I've seen every episode. You've seen every episode. I'm three away from the end of last season. We should watch it together and then do recaps. I'm in. Yeah.

I'm 100% in. Yes! So many moments I want to relive. I feel like I'm witnessing this in the beginning of the Ski-Doo Company. This is incredible. Yeah, see, this is what I was waiting for my thing. You've seen Ballers? Oh, yeah.

I'm caught up. You've got to come on it, too. But I feel like I'm going to be talking about this moment in an oral history in like 20 years. And then they had this Ballers podcast slash jet ski company. Ian was wearing jeans even though he's fat this August. I never saw them again. They died later that night. I won't say anything else.

And you'll forget I said this because it happens like towards the end of the second season. But for some reason, The Rock, who is a former professional football player. Spencer Strasburg. Spencer Strasburg. Turned financial manager. Okay. Knows how to drive

a monster truck and in an arena in Las Vegas, drives and then flips the monster truck. Seemingly on purpose. Seemingly on purpose. Kind of seems like he did it on purpose. Gets out, puts his arms up to a standing ovation. What? Yeah.

So it follows like the entourage rules where everyone has to look fucking awesome all the time? Slow pants and Ferraris. I'm so in. The Rock is just less. I'm going to wait for you guys to watch episode one. It's a less homophobic entourage. The Rock is less. Not not.

Not less. I'm Ian Carmel. Follow me on at Ian Carmel across platforms. Just like Ben Shapiro. Just like Ben Shapiro. I'm like five Ben Shapiros duct taped together. Listen to all fantasy everything. Come to Good Looks the first and third Wednesday at UCB if you're in LA.

I don't have any live dates to promote. Watch the Late Late Show. And that's it. Today, we are gathered here to not just to talk about ballers. Not just to talk about ballers. And leading. Oh, I gotta go. You gotta, oh, shit.

Yeah. I'm here for ballers only. We'll weave it into the conversation. Oh, yeah. Andrew thought he was on the podcast. Yo, is this ballers? Ball fantasy. Everything. Yo, is this ball? Ball fantasy. Everything.

Yo, is this ball fantasy? Oh, no? Okay. I'm out. I got my answer. We're gathered here in a beautiful HeadGum studio in gorgeous downtown Los Angeles. Just you can hear the crickets asleep on Skid Row from here. There they are. The biggest crickets asleep on Skid Row from here. There they are.

The biggest crickets. Was that a pigeon? Kind of a pigeon. But that's a Skid Row cricket. It's a pigeon. Is this, I don't know your street slang. Skid Row cricket. Also first round draft pick for Italian slur.

Skid Row cricket. Skid Row crickets. We could double duty this whole draft. We could do it. We could do it. For each one, we'll also do an Italian slur.

Skin row crickets. It sounds real. It sounds so bad. It made me uncomfortable saying it. I'm going to call my brother one after this. One of these days

you're going to riff something and it's going to be real. I know. People are going to come at me. There's only so many words. There really are. In the racial epithet world yeah you know it's like muncher eater yeah you know what i mean god damn right even saying those yeah yeah you say somebody's an anything eater oh my god super racist spaghetti eater, yeah. But say it like angry.

Oh, yeah, I can't. This is how I get to be racist. I just can't be angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I can. We gathered here to draft Summer Nights. It is a beautiful summer night right now. There's only a few, you know, not a few,

but we've got about a month and a half of summer nights left as we listen to this. One is maybe a month. I thought summer ends like September 15th as the crow flies. That feels right. So about a month. That's not what as the crow flies means. But as the crow flies.

Yeah, we're in the dog days of summer right now. Yeah, the dog days. The Mets have been eliminated from the playoffs. Yeah, as of June. Yeah, as of June. So we wanted to draft some summer nights. We're getting here to draft summer nights so we can celebrate some of the things we love about summer nights. So you can enjoy them for the few remaining summer nights we have.

Yeah. Now, the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicky game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you. I shoot up. And we throw on shoot. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Oh, Sean O'Connor wins! God damn it. Sean's O'Connor, he threw scissors, and David threw rocks. Double rocks. Now, it is your job to determine the order of the draft. Before you do, I want to remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what does that mean? Excellent question. Oh!

Serpentine draft is like, okay, so you got your baby, right? And your baby is crawling still? I don't know how babies work. So your baby sees a baseball at one end of the room and walks

over to the baseball. And then on the other side of the room, Paddington Bear. And is walking, Paddington Bear pets Paddington on the head two times, and then sees the baseball again, and toddles back over to the baseball,

and that's a serpentine draft. Perfect. I don't even need to say that all that means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second. By the way, now who's the fake-ass Sean Jordan? Yeah. That was a better job than Sean Jordan. Sean kind of panics sometimes. Sean, how has Sean Wait, now who's the fake-ass Sean Jordan? That was a better job than Sean doing it.

Sean kind of panics sometimes. How has Sean done it 80 times? It's never been that concise. You pad it twice, which is the pertinent detail he always leaves out. Have you all ever considered just saying 1-2-3-3-2-1, 1-2-3-3-2-1? No. Never. Is this a podcast for robots? Nice.

Yo, is this robots though? Burn unit. So with that in mind, Sean, the order of the draft today will be? 1, 2, 3, 4. All right, Sean, David, me, Andrew. Last and least. Old Andrew.

That sucks. I had ones that I wanted to. I'm worried. Andrew. Last and least. Yeah. Old Andrew. That sucks. I had ones that I wanted to. I'm worried. Maybe they'll be available. We don't know. I feel like this is a wide open one. Yeah. I'm kind of wild in the summer.

I'm from the Jersey Shore. Oh, yeah. They get wild in the summer, too. They smash. Yes. So the thing. They're smush. So like, number one with a bullet, Italian pussy.

No, I'm not. This is still on. So like, number one with a bullet, Italian pussy. Still on pace for the slurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're good, we're good, we're good. One of those garlic sniffers. No, that's not real. It's the way you say it. That's the way you say it.

That's the way you say it. But with the first pick in the Summer Nights draft, Sean O'Connor? Okay. It's my favorite thing about summer. It's a thing that I almost never have get in the summer since I was like a kid. But my first pick, s'mores. I love them. They're great.

That's great. Got into a fight with my wife about them right before I left the house because she said, that's a terrible pic. No one likes s'mores. And then I explained to her that they're so good, that's how they got their fucking name. Is that they're so good, you want s'more. Oh, I thought they were named after the comedian S'mora. Well, I mean.

Check out her special chandelier on Netflix. But that's how good s'mores are, is that it's also the funniest comedian. She was like, that's me. Yeah. I'm that. I'm that, yeah. And you can't eat them in the winter. No.

You can't. And I also don't know if I've ever had a good s'more. Like, it's what I want. Yeah. Have you had, like, are you making these punk-ass microwave ones, or have you made, like, a fresh campfire? I've done camp want. Yeah. Have you had like, are you making these punk-ass microwave ones or have you made like a fresh campfire? I've done campfire. Yeah. Putting it on twigs.

Yeah. And like doing it, but it always kind of tastes like burning newspaper. Yeah. Do you? Because like no one I know knows how to make a fire. Oh. It's like lighter fluid. We really did back ourselves into that corner.

Yeah. Exactly. So that's where I've like kind of experienced more but even that when you have that lighter fluid or like a New York Post taste it's still really good

it's like a tasteless pun about someone's like demise I think you might have already answered this, but do you do the shit where the marshmallow is just completely black or do you toast it slowly? I don't have the patience to do it the right way. Me too. I'm a fucking blow pop turtle on that shit.

Yeah, and it wasn't until I was maybe 17 where I realized how many carcinogens are in it when you eat it that black. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I'm just going to have cancer one day. It looks like a picture loaded in the fire and pull it out. It's just black. I'm just eating cancer.

It's flaming. You should know because it looks like a picture of lungs on a British pack of cigarettes. By the way, I've said nothing positive about s'mores. No, no, you're right. It's exciting, though, to make s'mores. It's so exciting. It is fun to make. I love them. It's exciting, though, to make s'mores. It's so exciting.

It is fun to make. I like it when people are like, hey, come on, we're going to make s'mores. And you're like, hell yeah, I'm not too drunk for this. It's the first flambé thing you ever make when you're a child. How am I going to light this bitch up? And if you're me, the last. Of course, of course. Here's how much I love s'mores, is that I can't eat marshmallows alone, but I'll fucking have so many s'mores. Yeah.

I can't do a marshmallow. What about in hot cocoa? Not even then, I don't even like them. Really? Unless they dissolve completely. You need that cream. Here's why. When I was like five, maybe between five and ten years old, somewhere in that region, probably closer to ten, we went camping and I ate so many marshmallows.

So many. Oh many of them. Oh, it is. And then I just woke up in the camper at fucking 10.30, which camping is four in the morning, because you go to bed at seven. And I just ran out into the woods and just like, blah! And I just like, walked like white.

It's like the end of Ghostbusters. I just barfed fluff into the woods. It was some raccoon's fucking best day of his life. But even with that, and I can't eat marshmallows since then, but I can eat a s'more. I've tried s'more vodka. It's pretty good. You say vodka in the best. He's from the Jersey Shore.

I'm from the Jersey Shore. It's my impediment. From the Jersey Shore. From the Jersey Shore. It's my impediment. I also let out a squeal at Blaze Pizza when I saw that they have s'more cookies that they cook in the brick oven. I let out a squeal. I've never looked fatter in my entire life than seeing something on a menu and going, Heee!

Augustus Gloop-ass moment. That cookie squeal is a high squeal, too. That's a high squeal. Delightful. It's not like the meat squeal is like, ugh. That one's like, hee! Yeah, yeah, meat squeals are down there. Yeah, it's like Luther Vandross is a meat squeal.

Michael Jackson is a cookie squeal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just went camping, and they were doing s'mores with peanut butter cups instead of a Hershey's bar. Whoa. Which seems like too much. Okay. Let's talk about who you went camping with.

That is far too fancy. Were they a bunch of pasta makers? You know what he means. What he said. Actually, yeah. I think the girl that suggested the peanut butter cups might have been a pee maker. A fucking monster maker. I don't say the whole word.

I can't say the whole word. It's disrespectful. A couple of rigatoni. One of these fucking prosciutto munchies. Sambuca melts. Yeah, sambuca. A grapponino. That's a little bit, that goes back to my whole thing with cheeseburgers, which is like,

you know what I want? Just, they kind of nailed it the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need to gussy everything up. Yeah. That's like putting an egg on a s'more. Yeah. I don't want that.

I went to a wedding last year. There was a vegan wedding in in upstate New York. Vegan s'mores. So they make it out of like... I feel like they are overstepping their bounds. He's the only... Go ahead. No, because marshmallows are made out of hooves.

I dated a vegan for a while. And she really liked... Humblebrag. I feel like humblebrag. There were a lot of... It was also a stripper who became a porn actor, which is a very interesting thing. Yeah. That's so strange.

I never would have thought a stripper would become a porn actor. Yeah. But wow. It never happens that way. Dentist school, porn, that's usually the path. But for some reason, she ate a ton of marshmallows. Just like straight up. Yeah.

And I've had vegan marshmallows. They're okay, but I don't know what the melt is like. I'm going to tell you what. They don't burn right. Nah, I bet. Yeah, they turn into like, it's a little rubbery. Yeah. That's vegan everything.

It doesn't burn right. No. You need that ghost leaving the marshmallow. Yeah, the soul. Yeah. Literally. Yeah. And that's what happens is you cook the soul out, but you leave the 28 grams, and that's

why the movie's called that. 28 grams. Starring Bradley Cooper as a chef. 28 grams, 28 marshmallows, 28 pieces of Hershey. Yes. It's Morse. David, time for your first pick. So my first pick in the Summer Nights draft is Summer Nights by Lil Rob.

Well, I don't know that song. You don't know that song? I don't know that song either. What? I feel like you could have got that in round five. For sure. God, I thought it was a hit. I was going back and forth with myself.

Talking to myself because I am my own consultant? Man, you guys don't remember remember oh how I like those summer nights no hit the top on lock the only one I know is those summer nights that's the only one I know

you don't remember the Lil Rob song I don't remember Lil Rob it was his only song It was the summer classic Summer day's just sitting around But when the sun goes down I'll be ready to party Ain't nothing like those summer nights I gotta do

Damn I don't know what to do I mean like Well tell us about it Damn Twitter I hope It's like the best summer song He says all the shit

He's polishing up the Cadillac Ooh baby baby the rucas are there it's a mexican rap song oh okay it was like a hit so much in my message i remember listening to that song like when i was like 15 being like i cannot wait till i have a car and some firme rucas and i'm gonna have a great summer. It's everything. Fear my Ruka. It's everything. Oh, man. If you just could read some of the lyrics. All right.

Yeah. It's just everything you want in a summer song. I'm feeling good. Feeling all right tonight. I'm feeling good now. It's all good in the neighborhood homes. But it's like, I'm feeling good. Feel all right.

Cruising through my neighborhood on a warm summer night. I kicked it at home. I polished up the chrome. Called the Ruka on the phone. Let her know I'm home alone. It's 730 and the sun is going down. It's a summer night and the fun is going down. I picked her up and she looks all dolled up.

She looks good. Sitting in the passenger of my Ragampala. Yeah. I let her know she looks beautiful to me. The world is an ugly place, but she's such a sight to see. The kind of woman. Backing on her. This is good. The kind of woman that would put up a fight to me. The world is an ugly place, but she's such a sight to see. The kind of woman... Backing on her. This is good. The kind of woman that would put up a fight for me. The kind that wants to spend

summer nights with me. The tempo's 80 and I'm cruising with my lady, playing some Ralphie Pagan, oh baby, baby. I see my homeboys and they're cruising in their rides. Here was our homes with their ladies sitting by their sides. People think we look crazy, but I think we look classy. But then again, that's only if you ask me.

And it's, summer days just sitting around, but when the sun goes down, I'll be ready to party. And it goes, hey, ain't nothing like those sun, all right.

That sounded familiar. It was a summer jam. Oh, it was 2005 it came out. It was a summer jam. I had no girl. I had no car that summer. I went to like eight barbecues, but I listened to that song on the way from Loaf and Jug every day. I worked at Loaf and Jug that summer.

What is Loaf and Jug? It's a gas station. I stole a lot. I mean, honestly, this feels like a novel. I've never heard this song, and I've never heard Loaf and Jug. You are speaking nonsense right now. These are all just clearable alternatives to actual. And I do understand that, yeah, if you've never heard of any of this, it is like just gobbledygook.

Yeah, just like, that is some good world building, David. Where's Lil Rob from? He's from San Diego. What? I think even, Ian, I think if you heard this song, like if we could just play a clip at some point, you would like, you remember this song. It's like, because when you hear it, it's just the most summertime song. And it's just really like, it's just about having a woman that loves you, driving a cool car, calling the homies. car call him the homies i like when when songwriters or just artists and musicians in general like try to call their shot about like this is when even if i'm a one-hit wonder yeah this is gonna

get played right even like i mean like fresh prince i guess continued to make music but like summertime we're not gonna call fresh prince but at the time he was like look at least i got summertime oh you know what i mean it turns don't understand was before that okay i'm playing in the studio i feel you i know this is bad podcast but maybe marissa can play it over oh yeah how good does this feel i don't know this song, dude. Wait until they start singing. Oh, God. Yeah, I've heard this before.

And I never want to stop seeing David do this dance. I don't know if I've heard it. My next draft pick, because this is a summer night, is going to be David's dancing. I've never needed anything I've heard it. My next draft pick, because this is a summer night, is going to be David's Dancing. I've never needed anything more in my life. That was the chillest shit I have ever seen. It was mad chill. It's such a good song.

I feel so good. It's like, I never heard a better, it's like, for me, that song's above Summertime by Will Smith. David's Dancing was like a dolphin wearing like a big terrycloth robe just rolling through the ocean. It was fucking smooth, man. It was like a dolphin wearing a Miami Dolphinscloth robe just rolling through the ocean. It was fucking smooth, man. It was like a dolphin wearing a Miami Dolphins bucket hat. Yeah, it was! It really was. It was fucking smooth shit. I like that you guys

explained it to me because I just blacked out. I don't even remember dancing. I don't even know what you're talking about. The soul of the dolphin has returned. It was like a cotton candy machine that made jazz somehow. Jazz? That being said, I got jazz candy for sale, guys. It is on the low.

Yeah, so that was my first irrelevant pick. You know how you have summer songs, and you're like, man, that song makes me want to just look. Of course. And getting a summer jam in round one, it's a great strategy. I feel like when we take it to the tweets, that's when they're going to hear me. People will have your back for sure. I certainly will, Rob.

At least the firme rucas. The firme. I hope so. I hope so, too. I'm just looking to polish up the chrome and find a ruca who's down for me. Chrome is gone or is tired? Because this feels like some PG-13. It's a Chrome Impala.

He talks, he references it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's his Impala. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. It's a sweet song. Yeah.

There's a barbecue verse. Yeah. It's very good. San Diego rappers don't do crimes. They chill. I'm not going to. That's my statement. That's how I'm going out.

All I'm going to say to end that conversation is Nick Cannon's from San Diego. Is he really? Draw your own conclusions. Nick Cannon's up to something. Yeah. Trying to kill comedy. I think that's what he's up to. Nick Cannon's up to something.

I mean, his hair right now is wild. What is his hair? His whole, everything about him is- His turbans. I don't know what the fuck the hell he's doing. Everything is wild. Yeah. He took the turban off and now he has Kenny Powers hair.

All right. I'm on it. That's tight. Is that a Jerry curl? Except it's Nick Cannon. Something weird. There's something dark. I think he's a crazy person. Maybe it's not even Kenny Powers.

It's almost if you took the hair thing off of Grandmama. That's what it is. Oh, I saw a picture of that that I guess I assumed it was a wig oh yeah he's got real Aunt Sheila hair that's it you see what I'm saying like oh wow

I don't know man Nick Cannon's always there's always been something like that just seemed a little bit evil to me I think that he is the same vibes as Vince McMahon. Just that sort of weird- Oh, yeah. It's kind of menacing in a way. A little plasticky.

Yeah. I think that he is a psycho. And I say that because having watched his entire comedy special, his eyes are crazed. Yeah. And he's looking around. And when he gets all scared, he just says shit like, we're recording tonight, y'all. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about like it's like

he's nuts dude if there like if I feel like if he could stab someone he would if he needed to you know what I mean like if there was a scenario where somebody ran in and they were like David stab Sean you know and you'd be like

can I should I do I need to he's a halfway across if Sean! You know? And you'd be like, can I? Should I? Do I need to? He's halfway across. If you did that to Nick Cannon, he'd be like, all right, this shit's gotta get handled sometimes. Is that why he takes on so much?

Do you think he wants to become so rich and powerful he gets to go to Murder Island? Yeah, of course, yeah. With Putin, of course.

And he was so close with Mariah. He was like, Mariah's like, just hang out a couple more years. His big misstep? Buying Radio Shack. Yeah. Nick Cannon wasn't going to save Radio Shack.

No. What? Who do you think you are? You're not God. No. Don't play these games. God couldn't even do that. You really do that?

Yeah. Why? The Catholic Church couldn't save Radio Shack. Oh, my God. Who was the creative director for Polaroid for a second? Was that Lady Gaga or someone like that? Oh, no. Yeah, I think it was Lady Gaga.

Or for Kodak. No, for Polaroid. Yeah, it was just like, oh, I'm going to save Polaroids. Oh, and don't you remember when Justin Timberlake tried to save MySpace? Yeah. He did that big press release about how there's going to be a new MySpace and it never happened. Oh, yeah. Didn't do it.

Yeah. Man, we got Timberlaked. Timberlaked hard. It's time for my first pick, which we'll get to right after this short commercial break. What's up, All Fantasy Everything listeners? Listen, we got to have a frank talk, all right? I'm pulling up the chair. Pulling out the stops. Pulling out the stops pulling out the stops yeah turning the chair around yeah michelle pfeiffer style arms crossed giving them a dangerous mind leaning over we're dangerous minds in you right

now sexual performance issues are more common than you think yeah i got two of them yeah right i've had i've had sexual performance issues too Too long and too strong. You know what I'm saying? Come on. Also, though, I have problems with intimacy. Even those of us who go too long, too strong, 25% of new ED cases, erectile dysfunction, are in guys under the age of 40. We're under the age of 40.

All right? We're all getting older. It's time. We got to start looking out for that kind of thing, right? Yeah. 40% of men, 40% by the age of 40 struggle with not being able to get and maintain an erection sometimes.

And you'll- You can't get the sauce to thicken. You can't get the sauce to thicken. You can't fake that. That's one of the funks you can't fake. You can't fake the funk on that nasty dunk. Yeah, oh, that is a nasty dunk. Yeah, now it could be a thing for whatever.

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All right. It is time for my first pick in the Summer Nights draft. And with my first pick, I have to take my absolute favorite thing, dating back to probably the age of 15 for young homie Carms, which is driving around with the windows down, the music up, no particular place to go. Oh, man. That is my favorite thing on Summer Nights.

Literally on my list. Isn't that on your list? It's so good. I can smell it right now. You can smell it, right? It smells like weed and Axe. Yes. Yeah.

Fucking. Yeah, dude. We used to, because growing up in Beaverton, Portland was one way, and the other way was farms until the ocean. Oh, yeah. So you would just head out that way, and you would just drive around the country, and it was amazing. Every now and again, you come up on a car of other kids that you know yeah yeah that shit is that was

a good feeling sky is kind of purple yeah yeah maybe you're gonna witness a murder yeah probably not but maybe you're gonna do some murdering maybe you do though maybe maybe you're gonna catch a catch a couple of DJ Steve sippers. Nope. Nope. I mean, that was a weird one. They do stick to DJ Steve. It's a fair point.

It's a fair point. In Beaverton, there weren't so many DJ sweeps. Yeah. Not that many chimney sweeps. Yeah, no, that seems like a corn crunch in town. But I used to love it, man. And back then, we would put on whatever the rap radio station was. Yeah.

Or you'd have like a fucking... Remember how clutch mix CDs were? Oh, man. Yeah, we were the have like a fucking, remember how clutch mix CDs were? Oh, man. Yeah, we were the CDR generation. We had it. Yeah. We were the first. And it was a short generation.

It was short. So short lived. But man, it was fucking awesome. It was like so powerful. Like you just had it and you were like, oh yeah, remember this? Yeah. Someone made this for me. Someone made this for me.

Or I'm about to give this to a girl. Yeah. And I'm nervous. this yeah someone made this for me or i'm about to give this to a girl yeah it makes so nervous it makes so much sense why our generation created so many djs because yeah that's what we were doing yeah we weren't doing diplo we weren't doing we were early diplo you hear that diplo you motherfucker the beef's still on yeah the beef is a is hard. It's more wagyu than ever, bro. Yeah, man. AFE Diplo beef in full effect. Look for it in 2018. Truly, driving around aimlessly is one of...

It's the best. It's the best. It's such a joy. I remember my favorite time we did this in the summer is we had this friend, Alan, whose dad... Alan, he's like a TV writer now. Yeah. He writes for the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon.

Oh, nice. But he's kind of dorky, but great. His dad, his name was Byron, and he just looked like he was just made of just hard bread. A dude named Byron, yeah. Yeah, he was so strong. So we used to just drive past his house and just scream out, fuck you, Byron, at all hours of the night but one one night we went around and there were like these anti-abortion

uh like like uh what are those called signs yeah yeah yardage so we just kept stealing them from and then we put them all on byron like not only is he anti-abortion he's the most anti-abortion that's such a good prank it was so fun he probably I think he met us all like one time

he was our enemy he was fucking Byron he was named Byron so he deserved it what were you driving around listening to like taking back Sunday we were like emo and hardcore What were you driving around listening to? Like, Taking Back Sunday? What were you wearing? We were hardcore, right? Emo and hardcore.

Like, oh, we were pulling pranks listening to some Bright Eyes. Bright Eyes? Oh, man. Yeah, just being like, sad guys, but you know what? We have fun. Yeah. Bright Eyes is prime driving around at night music. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I mean, like. Next to Little Rob. I did that stuff, like, late as an adult. When I first moved to L.A., I would just drive around, and I didn't really know anyone. I would just drive around the reservoir in Silver Lake at night by myself. It's beautiful. Did you live in New York, right?

Yeah, yeah. So that probably wasn't a big of a thing, right? Not an option. Yeah. By the way, you know who else did that? Just drove around the reservoir. The Night Stalk, Richard Ramirez. I know.

Me and him. Our bros. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. What a great choice. It's such a good thing. Because as a teenager, that could be your night, too.

It will. We're just going to drive around. I wasn't even. And you said weed earlier. I wasn't even smoking weed at that point. And I wasn't drinking on those nights, either. It was just like enough to just vibe like that. Yeah.

New Jersey doesn't know how to name streets, so I grew up right by the ocean, and Ocean Ave stretches the whole thing. So we'd always just drive Ocean Ave, and you would just smell the ocean. It's these memories that I – and then you just talk about who uh who you fingered everyone lied yeah oh i miss lying with friends lying about your sex bullets. Oh my God. Sexcapades. Man. Sorry to all those women we lied about. You guys didn't deserve it.

You really didn't. And it didn't even make me cool. We never thought anymore of each other. It all worked so little. It had no effect. All we did was depress the other people who were also lying to us, who were then making us depressed.

If we would have just been honest about it, none of us would get laid. Nobody's double clicking the mouse in here. No. The moment someone hits play and bright eyes comes on into a car full of guys, no one's fingering. No one's fingering. If somebody was fingering, they would have opened the door and rolled out. I can't be around these people.

Got some garlic fries and I got a finger at somebody. Wash your hands between the fries and their finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So driving around with the windows down, the music up. Andrew, it's time for your first and second picks. Oh, my God. I can't believe my number one pick is still there. An old night swim.

Oh, shit. That was on my list a night swim is the best night swimming that is have you ever broken into a pool

and swam in it yes that is so fun yeah so I'm from Michigan and we like the pool

we always used was Tim Allen's this the coke the coke pool was always available. There was this housing complex that they didn't finish. They built half the apartments and then the pool that was supposed to be in the middle of the complex.

And they didn't finish. So it was like a butted, a full on cornfield. And we would break into that. And it was like a butted, a full on cornfield. And we would break into that. And it was like a David Lynch movie. It was just like insane at all times. So like full corn up to the very edge of the pool, the pool, and then like a very shitty apartment complex. Was there a gate around it or no? Yeah, we had to jump like a two and a half foot tall gate.

But that full corn, that sounds like prime, like teenage slasher movie oh my god yeah just people just like oh yeah we're at a pool and then through the cornfield yeah if anyone ever had gotten laid around us we would have been trying to do it in the corn yeah and then gotten murdered why don't we do it in the corn? That's a song I listen to when I drive around at night. This weird Beatles parody. I want Night Swim, though. Night Swim is the best. The most romantic moment of my life, still to this day,

was night swimming in Lake Oswego, back up in Oregon, with this girl who was house- sitting this like huge house on the lake. And we just went like night swimming one night and we had like just started barely dating and she like swam up to me in the dark and kissed me. Yeah. That'll be one of those like memories forever kind of memories. Yeah.

Yeah. It's magic moment. Yeah, exactly. And also what I love about a night swim is it's the least embarrassing time to wear a shirt in the pool. It's chilly. You gotta just, you gotta just pull that off,

man. You're not saving anybody. It clings to your body. It does, but in the nighttime, no one sees it. By the way, it makes you look far worse.

Yeah, you look terrible. God. Also, you gotta do that. I tripped and fell in the pool. I guess I'm that wacky guy

with my shirt on in the pool. I'm always in my jeans and socks. It helps your core when you're swimming against... It's a core workout. It's good for everyone. God, a good night's swim is so good.

That's such a good pick. On like a hot night too and then you get in the water. Yeah, yeah. Am I doing my next one? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's my next one that is a fucked up thing that I do and will never, it's not on anyone's list, but it's a thing that I love so much in the summertime. It's turning up the AC on high, so you have to use a blanket when you're sleeping. I do that shit!

It's not on anyone's blanket. On anybody's blanket! It was so good. My next pick was AC. But AC at night. But everything's at night. It's the summer night trip. It's so high that you have to put a blanket on.

Yes! I did that last night. I did that in Phoenix this weekend. Getting cozy boys. God, cozy boy it up. I love it. You go to the bathroom and you're like, oh, shit. Yeah, it's cold.

Oh, man. It's so cold out. That is a great. I love that. I have that and then like a fan blasted directly on my face. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man.

I feel so guilty when I do that shit because we are destroying the earth. Listen, that shit was going down anyway. That's true. Yeah. We need it. We need air conditioning. I can't function without it. I can't either.

It's my number one thing that I argue with my wife. She does not need air conditioning. She weighs 80 pounds. She's tiny. I need it so much. I'm like pouring sweat. This heat wave, I'm assuming it's a heat wave, but I've been pouring sweat a lot recently.

We discussed it. I've had like ass sweat, which has been like a new thing. I need my house to be 64 degrees. It's got to be cold. Oh my God. I was just at home. I was just at home. My parents keep their thermostat in the summer to 82 degrees.

That's fucking insane. Why not just leave the door open? It was the worst thing I've ever. I was like. The Menendez brothers killed their parents for wax. I know. I really. I was like.

I was like. What am I going to do? Yell at my parents? But this is insane. Like. Whoa. It was the worst thing. It was.

We. In the Fortress of Solitude's where Sean and Zach and I lived. The AC went out one summer. And I was gone for most of it. But Sean was there out one summer and I was gone for most of it, but Sean was there for the whole, but I was there for some of it and it was like so super fucked. It's not even.

Sitting in that house where you just like, you feel like you're in water. Yeah. It's just so hot. Your brain moves so slow. Yeah. With the fans kicking hot air on you.

You just feel gross no matter what you do. Two weeks ago, so we live in a house and our landlord lives in the next house. It's all rebuilt, so they have a nest thing. It's really good, except

they don't know how it works and we don't know how it works, so what happened was it just went offline and we couldn't figure it out, so we have two days without air conditioning. Fuck. And I truly thought about moving my entire family to a hotel. Yeah. Dude, that's not like a...

You're a baby. We have a baby. We have a baby. It's crazy that you... You're a sweaty baby. We're in a world where you might need like an IT guy to fix your air conditioner. I know. We're getting there.

Yeah. That's so wild. It's pretty good. What with the millennials. Do you like your nest thing? Oh,'re getting there. Yeah. That's so wild. It's pretty good. What with the millennials. Do you like your nest thing? Oh, it's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing.

It turns out you just have to empty it. It's like in the attic. You have to empty it every two months. Just like all electronics, you just gotta jiggle it. Yeah. Yeah, that really is... Just pat it.

Turn off the AC if it's leaving. Amazing pick. Oh, thank you. Time for my second pick. And I gotta take it. It's an obvious one, but I gotta take House Parties. House Parties, come on.

Lil' Rab talked about it the best. Right, exactly. It's just like Lil' Rob said. Love of house, Rook is at my house. I hope Rook is not like a terrible thing, is it? I don't know. I'm not gonna say it anymore. I'm gonna be completely honest with you. If it is. I don't even know if we're allowed to say it anymore. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I don't even know if we're allowed to say it.

This is a little Rob's fault. He said it on the radio, though. He said it on the radio? I think it's the same as like a Fear May Hina. It was Breitbart radio, though. Oh, no. Actually, we've been coming around to that lately. Just a summertime house

party is such a fucking good house party. And a fucking good house party and I know in LA it's been like that's what they're all kind of like now no but it's still like

there's just that feeling of summer it's like even now when I have to work I'm I mean you know even now when I have

responses even now as a grown man yeah there you go there's still like a feeling of summer yeah even in la where the

seasons don't change summer still feels like summer you know it still does that vibe yeah i miss but i miss like high school house parties they were like yeah so young and stupid and like so fucking jacked oh just ready oh god we were. Because we were young dumbasses, but in nice houses. Exactly. And like Beaverton, because it would be like Rick, somebody's parents' house, and they might have a pool. I remember being at a house party that had a pool in the back and being like, what the fuck?

That's great. Everyone I went to school with, their parents were all stockbrokers. Or in the mob. I'm not even getting my one friend bleep that. You don't want those cabbage boilers to find out. The Irish?

I don't know what I'm talking about. His dad worked in waste management and had a car museum. Oh my gosh. In the house? In the house. Man, what? And he would have parties at his house, and he lived like 40 minutes away from where I lived. Yeah.

Because my mom didn't want me to go to school with my friends because she thought I'd get addicted to drugs. Yeah. By the way, when you send your son to a rich school, way easier to get addicted to drugs. Yeah, rich kids love drugs the most. They have drugs. Yeah. So, yeah, like those parties. And it was just like, it was fucking crazy.

It was so awesome. Oh, my God. It was just like, prosciutto, meet the ball. Oh, the mortadella. You know, there wasn't so much drinking, but they had this mortadella, and they sliced it so thin. So thin. But those parties were tight, and every now and then,

every 45 minutes, the door would open, and someone would come in with three racks of beer. Oh, man, that was the best. Yo! Yo! I will submit, also, though, a New York City roof party. Oh, shit. In the summer is the best. Yo! Yeah. Yo! Yeah. Kevin's here. I will submit also, though, a New York City roof party. Oh, shit. In the summer is the jam.

Yes. Great. I did that for my first time the, like, last year, I think. Yeah, it's fun. That was so awesome. Shout out to Shane Torres. The only bad thing about the New York City roof party, the amount of sweat you sweat. Oh, I was going to say the amount of how one corner

ends up full of pee. Well, that too. But I actually have a very good time peeing on New York. I feel like that's what they're made for. I was going to say it's how all the mozzarella jockeys downstairs won't shut up. So we all got something. We all got something.

Oh, man. Yeah, the sweat. It gets hot, but sometimes if you get the right breeze, if you got a friend who maybe has someone maybe on the East River, overlooking the East River, it's so nice. Oh, yeah. See, that's the difference. Yeah.

You're going to Nice East River. I'm deep Bushwick. Deep Bushwick. It just looks like RoboCops patrol the streets downstairs. The RoboCops are downstairs. It's a RoboCop. It's Dracula. I still love them.

Like a house party where more people are outside than inside. I'm like, this is the right place. Yeah, like a hot, hot house party. And it is weird because I've gone back home to New Jersey and gone to somebody's parent's house party. I'm in my 20s. And it still feels fun. Yeah. Even though you're older now.

But all the parents are chilled out now. They're like, I want to play beer pong. Yeah. Well, what's this? People's parents start smoking weed at one of those parties. And you're like, this is it, I guess. Yeah. I love that.

This is how we do it. My mom asked me for weed this year. Nice. I'm going to bring some back for Christmas, I think. I can't get Saints 2 into it, but Alice. One of my parents. Alice has bowed it.

One of my parents does. Not my dad. Nice. It my dad. Nice. All right. It's covered. It's covered. David, it's time for your second pick. My second pick.

I thought you were so close. Well, you actually said it, but you didn't say it. Okay. Kissing. Ooh. Summer night kissing. It's like the best time to kiss. When it's purple out and you're just like you both got smoky hot link breath or whatever.

I don't know what you were eating. Vegan hot link. Yeah. But it's just like the best. Like something about kissing in the summer at night, like right as the sun's going down, it's like, oh man. She's wearing a cut off t-shirt. Yeah, you're wearing a cut off t-shirt.

Everyone's sweaty. Frankie says relax. Yeah a quickie in the car. She's wearing a cut-off t-shirt. Yeah, you're wearing a cut-off t-shirt. Everyone's sweaty. Frankie says relax. Yeah. But I'm not gonna. Yeah, so many kissing was. Especially, oh, my God. It was still in high school. Just like, it was always like, for me, it was like behind a garage or something.

You know what I mean? Just like. Come here, come here, come here. I don't know why I whispered like that. Come here for a second. It wasn't rapey, though, guys. It wasn't like. No, no, no. It wasn't romantic. I whispered like that. Come here for a second. It wasn't rapey, though, guys. It wasn't like, come here.

It was like, yeah. No, because also in high school, everything has to be like. So dramatic. So dramatic and in some ways special. So it's like, come over here. These people shouldn't watch us have hot mouths. Hot young mouths. Hot young mouths was on one of those things Lawrence brought back from China. She said. Hot young mouths. Hot young mouths was on one of those things

Lawrence brought back from China. She said, hot young mouths. But yeah, when it was secret and dangerous. Yeah, it's just like, yeah, it's just a great, you know. I have to think about, I went to a block party in eighth grade for the Fourth of July. And I kissed this girl behind Crystal Brown's boat, or dad's boat, and it was tight. Then you part, and you're like, we'll meet up again later.

Maybe you don't. Yeah, I moved away. Yeah, kissing during the summer. Kissing during summer nights is so good. And it's also because it's still, it's like kissing time. It's like eight, nine o'clock, but it's still a little bit light out. Yeah, you can throw some tongue in it, it's not like it's not like dry humping yeah yeah you know it's just like uh it's innocent it's i i feel like it's like it's right before making out it's like church

kissing yeah yeah just like like long like long kissing like when it was like when you graduated from the pack, where you weren't like tonguing down. Where you hold on to that lower lip for a little too long. I wish you guys could see the hand motions, because it all looks like a bunch of fucking dough mushers. Yeah, it's like how Muppets kiss. Yeah, it's how Muppets kiss.

Mouths biting each other kind of vibes. Yeah, it's like sweet. It's not like there's nothing like sexy about vibes. Yeah, it's like sweet. It's not like there's nothing like sexy about it. It's not sexy at all. It's just like, it's just kissing. Yeah, a summer kiss. Yeah, it's so good, man. I love it.

Excellent pick, kissing. Sean, time for your second and third picks. Okay, this one might not appeal to everyone, but it's definitely one of my favorite things about summer. This is more just, I don't have to do it anymore, but when I was in high school I definitely had to do it, and that is waiting outside of a liquor store, waiting for an

old man to buy me alcohol. Hey, dude-nit! I used to love Hey, dude-nit! I loved Hey, dude-nit! You got quite the characters involving your night. It's always fucking freaks because they're going to buy this kid food. It's always a fucking freak.

It's the closest your actual life can feel to a sex comedy. Yeah. It's just you interact with a fucking weirdo who's like, you young dicks going to get something now? That's how they always talk to you too.

Hey, you fellas trying to spill it? Right. Come on, man. They take it one notch higher than you were prepared to go? Yeah. I'm like, you're talking to me like I'm 23, man. Yeah, before they hang out. I've touched two butts.

Oh, yeah. They crack a beer in the parking lot? Here's a question. When you guys did that as teenagers, did you think that the people that bought you beer were weird? No. I thought they were cool. Yeah. I thought they were cool. Yeah.

I thought they were the nicest people. I thought they were cool dudes. I feel like if some, I don't think I would do that for a kid now. Of course not. It's still weird. Of course not. Never. No.

Never ever ever. It's the weirdest thing you could do. Weird things to lose. They didn't. Yeah. It really dawns upon you as you get older that that was so fucking weird that yeah and then they would they would ask you about like what you get it at tonight oh go to our friend lauren oh lauren yeah cool cool cool

please do don't come with me please don't follow me please don't follow me i remember getting in fights about who was gonna do it like who was gonna be having who was gonna be the person to ask like dude you're fucking tall you gotta do it you're tall as shit oh i forgot my id man oh well the saddest thing is so growing up uh i played basketball and we had this ref in our league whose name was walter and he was so animated. He was the best ref in the whole world. Like when he would call traveling, he would make these huge gestures and be like, traveling!

And we were all like, Walter fucking rules! Anyway, smash cut to BB-17. Walter is not the same Walter. He hasn't shaved in a while. Patches of gray. And then I was like, oh, I'll go ask him. Because I was like, hey, he used to referee my basketball games. He's like, what do you want?

And I'm like, can you go get us beer? He's like, if you buy me seven airplane bottles of vodka, sure. Seven airplane bottles? He didn't want one real bottle? He didn't want one real bottle. He didn't want one real bottle. And then couldn't be trusted. Oh, he wasn't going on an airplane? What?

Is that how he described it? Yeah, he said seven airplane bottles. And we were like, sure, take our money. Then later on, I worked at a liquor store that he would come into. And I realized it's a thing that alcoholics do. Instead of buying a big bottle, they buy the little bottles, but like a bunch of them.

Yeah. Because it's like less sad because they're not drinking one huge bottle. They just had seven little bottles. It's real depressing. It ruined Walter for me. Yeah. But the traveling was so fun.

Yeah. Traveling! Oh, that's what that makes me sad. I hope he's okay. But you know that he's not. Yeah. Yeah, no way. We didn't hate doing it, my crew.

We just stole it. Really? Like smash and grab from the grocery store? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Because they can't touch you, so you just run in, grab as much as you can, run out. See, our problem with that was in Elizabeth, in the grocery store, it's only 3-2 beer. Oh, see, no, no.

We had in Oregon, it was full-strength beer. Oh, 3-2 beer. Is that like Mormon beer? That's like 3% or whatever? Yeah, they sell regular beer in the liquor store, but not in the grocery store. But you can't go to the liquor store if you're a kid. So you would just steal it. We would fill up grocery carts with beer.

Just power through. Somebody would be in the car in the parking lot. And we would just go out the front door. And now when you see 18-year-olds and 16, 17, you're like, you look like a baby. They knew we weren't 21. So we would just push it out, throw it into the back, and just drive away and show up at the house party with a grip of beer. And you guys were those dudes.

We did it a lot. That's incredible. I don't have- Sometimes we steal beef jerky, too, because it's expensive. We got- It was like, you might as well at that point. Yeah. We got-

I remember getting ripped off at hey-duding a lot, too. Oh, I bet. Just like some dude. You know what I mean? It's like, what do you want? And it was always like 30 keystones. Yeah. And you'd be like, we got $45.

You know what I mean? They give you two bucks back. That's enough. There you go. I can do it. I didn't know how much booze cost until I was 21. Just ripping you off on change seems like I would just take the whole money and be like, I got something on you, dog.

Yeah, because what are we going to do? Jump him. I remember one time we hey-do-ed this guy in the mountains, and he was a real freak because we were camping by ourselves the first time, and we hey-do-ed this guy. And he was like, it was our buddy Sam Talent. And the guy comes, they're talking, and the guy says, are you a cop? And Sam's like, I'm 16. And the guy's like, say, I swear to God I'm not affiliated with the cops.

And Sam's like, I swear to God I'm not affiliated with the cops. And then we gave him too much money, he got us an 18er, and then he was like, meet me behind the Safeway. And he came back behind the Safeway, threw it in the truck, banged on the thing and gave the devil horns and drove off into the night. And we drank all 18 beers and we got trashed. All nine of us or however many it was. That's wild. I really miss Hey Dude. Yeah.

It's so exciting. Sean, your third pick. My third pick. Okay. This is honestly, this is just going into my Jersey Shore, growing up on the Jersey Shore. What I truly miss about a summer night is wearing a dumbass t-shirt that I bought at a boardwalk. A boardwalk? Weapon of mass destruction.

Yeah, the man, the myth, the legend pointing at my penis. Did they have those penis-pointing novelty shirts? Macon Bacon, and it was a bunch of pigs fucking in different positions? Oh, yeah. There's a shirt I bought last time I was in New Jersey, because I was like, this is the most impossibly shitty shirt. Because Aaron and I, we went to the actual Jersey Shore house, and then the Shore store where they worked.

And there was a shirt that was lime green and it says, I have a dick, so that means I make the rules. So I fucking bought it and put it on that 19 clams. I've never worn it again, but man, you can wear that on the boardwalk and people are like, hell yeah, man. Oh, man. That dude's got a dick. That dude has a dick. There's no disputing it. Yeah, bro, you see that dude?

Clearly got a dick. They won't sell that shirt to just anyone, then. Yeah, no, you've got to show them your dick. It's weird to get the distillation of an entire region on one shirt. It's like, this is everything about this place. Is this really what the area is about? This is the county slogan.

Oh my god. Why are they so bright? I don't know. It's summer, dog. You're out. You're going out at night. There's strobe lights. You want this to pop. I think it's for when you're passed You're going out at night There's strobe lights Yeah, you want this to pop

I think it's for when you're passed out, faced out on the beach They can like spot you with the searchlight It's like, there he is Oh shit Oh no Oh, he's not really part of the FBI Different FBI, different FBI I don't even think he has a license I don't think he's licensed Different FBI. Different FBI.

I don't even think he has a license. I don't think he's licensed. He just has cop glasses. I guess I just miss seeing people wear these dumb shirts. Yeah. There's something comforting about being around those maniacs. Because that's a summer shirt. Winter, you never see a big dog shirt.

You never see a big Johnson. But in the summer, you saw no fear you saw them all cool story babe now make me a sandwich keep calm and XX and X that shit still exists I was like how much of that has moved on to like meme culture so much of that business has gone to reddit

basically and back are they still pressing the shirts, though? They're still making them. I'm saying, I don't know. If you go down to the Dennis Boardwalk, they got them. They got them. They got them. Oh, yeah.

You could get Hillary Clinton with a target on her head. Sure, yeah. In Los Angeles. Fucking insane. It's all crazy. Boardwalk shirts. That's a fucking good one. Too cheap to make.

Yeah, Frigg you, you friggin' Frigg. I've never seen that shirt, but I want it so bad. That's part of the jet ski business. David, time for your third pick. My third pick is, you know, some would say I don't have a regular job right now. Yeah, yeah, sure. Cowards would say that. Yeah, cowards, losers.

But I'm saying getting off work. Because I used to have jobs in the summertime in high school. Yeah, cowards. Losers. But I'm saying getting off work. Oh, my God. Because I used to have jobs in the summertime in high school. Oh, my God. And then it just was like that like feel, especially when you did a shift, like when you got off at like five or like six. Yeah. And you knew there was going to be a party. Yes. Or the girl you were going to kiss.

And you're just like, oh, that feeling of getting off work. I can tell you right now. On a summer day. It's still dank. It's still dank. It's still great. It feels so good. You just, you know you've got something to do. Yeah.

And depending, like for me, I didn't drive a lot. So it would be like, my friends would come pick me up from work. So I'd be at work and I'd like see them drive up. And I'd be like, ooh, I hope there's a fridge. The van pulls up. It's too early. I remember getting off work when I worked at QFC, the grocery store. Quality Food Center.

So there it is. Great cookies. Really at QFC, the grocery store. Quality Food Center. There it is. Great cookies. Really good cookies. Pretty good grocery store. And on like the 4th of July and just like walking out and it was still a little bit light out and just being like, fuck, this is such a good feeling. It is. That is.

Because you earned it. Yeah. Especially when you were a kid. It was like the first time you earned that kind of feeling. Yeah, right? Yeah. Goddamn working man blues. Yeah, but it feels so good.

That was, yeah, getting off work. I liked getting off work from jobs where the hours were really irregular. So sometimes it was like 4.45. Sometimes it was like you closed the yogurt shop at 10.30. Oh, yeah. And the party was still happening, but it wasn't done yet. So you're like, I can still make it. You get to catch that last half.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One summer, loaf and jug summer, sometimes I would work overnights, and that was the problem, was I had my own apartment, but I would partake in the party before and have to go to work at 11 p.m. And then get off at 7 and be like, maybe they're still partying. Yeah, being fucked up at the overnight gas station is probably the best. Tales of all this time, man. Did you keep it going yourself?

Would you like take a little, would you like drink a beer on the break? It depended, so the late night shift would be like, it depended, like, you weren't by yourself until like one or two, I think. Yeah, yeah. So it depended on who was there with me because sometimes, like if it was Wade

or this dude John Brinkmeyer, who had a Jacob's Ladder, which was real wild for 05. What was the Jacob's Ladder again? The piercings on his penis. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

That was real out there for Aurora, Colorado 05. Damn. It's for a lot of cities, man. He would have booze in his car sometimes. Because it was late night. Nobody was ever there. Yeah. All I got to do is clean down the soda machines anyways.

Getting off work. Excellent pick. Getting off work, man. For my third pick, I'm going to take something very specific. We did it last summer a couple times. And I've done it just in general. It's eating and then having exactly two beers at a Mexican place after a long day at the beach. Oh, yeah.

That is nice. Like two Coronas. Just like two Coronas. Like you're at the beach. You didn't really have any big meal the whole day. You had little bites of things here and there. You were out in the ocean swimming, working up an appetite. You're like sunbaked.

And then you amble into a restaurant. Covered in sand a little bit. Covered in sand. And the two beers get you like, not drunk, but like pretty nicely buzzed. Yeah. That kind of buzzed where you earned it. You're a little tired. Oh, that shit looks like a summer commercial.

It looks like a Corona commercial. Yeah, exactly. And you're like housing the chips that they bring out. Yeah, because you've just been running around all day. You're like, you don't realize how tired you were. You need it. Yeah. That's wonderful because that's like adult nostalgia. Yeah, because you've just been running around all day. You're like, you don't realize how tired you were. You need it. Yeah. That's wonderful because that's like adult nostalgia.

Yeah, right. Which is like, a lot of this has felt like we're reminiscing about being kids. But that is, when you're having the type of fun they have in commercials, you're an adult. You're doing something so adult. You're having marketable fun. Yeah, you're like, maybe I will buy that Acura. Yeah.

Yeah, you're not, maybe I will buy that Acura. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You're not fucking someone in a bathroom. You're just eating some Mexican food and having a cerveza. Can I go wash the crown later? That's going to be great. Having a cerveza. That's even saying it.

Having a cerveza. It's like, what I've realized in this life of leisure that I've been born into and have continued to live is that I so rarely eat when I need to and just when I'm supposed to you know I'm very rarely really hungry and I'm like I need to eat something so on those occasions when you really earned that food

like after a long day at the beach I never bring food to the beach no right? it's freaking out gross I always get that biggest mistake which is the variety pack of cured meats from Ralph's or Vaughn's. Oh, I know that one. Yeah. So you pull the sticky cellophane off.

And it's wrapped. That salami gets so hot during the day and a little gritty from the beach. Yeah. I usually house all of that. I hate when a hot salami moves into the neighborhood. I did it by accident. I did it by accident. A hot pepperon. A hot pepperon.

A hot pepperon. A gritty pepperon. A gritty pepperon. Yeah, so just eating and having two beers, it's just such a nice feeling. You're so relaxed. And then you get back in the car and you drive home. Yeah, you drive home. Yeah, because you're fine, because you're not drunk. Alright, Andrew, time for your third and fourth picks.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Number three is when your local team, your local baseball team is shitty. Oh. Because then the tickets are like... It was like three years ago. But you're...

No, the one that you could go... When the Dodgers were terrible and you could get tickets like when the Dodgers were terrible. Oh, yeah. And you could get tickets for like a dollar. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Baseball tickets are crazy. Yeah, the Rock Pile tickets were like 10 bucks.

Yeah. So sometimes you didn't have to think about it. You'd just be like, I just want a place to eat a hot dog outside. Yeah. I'm just going to go to the baseball game. Right. I think it's been going for three innings. Who gives a fuck?

Yeah. Like I'm just walking over. It actually becomes cheaper than finding a hot dog place. Yeah. Because yeah. When the Dodgers were terrible, upper deck was like one to $2. Yeah.

You just go in and then you buy a hot dog. You, you, you, you watch like four innings and then you were like, Oh, I got my fill. It's cheaper than hanging out at a Starbucks.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the, the, the weird economics of it gets so fucked up that you're just like, I'm just going to go to that. The year that the Dodgers were bad, I think I went to like 15 games just because I was like, I don't know what else to do. That's awesome. It's free to see the Dodgers.

It is such a great place to hang out too, especially in LA when everything's like kind of yellow, even the green things. Yeah, yeah the sky. And then you walk into like Chavez Ravine and it's like this fucking beautiful green expanse laid out in front of you. It's a perfect stadium. Yeah. I mean, it's been around since the 60s. It fucking rules. I actually, I love going there. They have micheladas there.

That's fun. Yeah. They have the Japanese beer Slurpees there. Do they? It's like a fucking Sapporo with Sapp beer Slurpees there. Do they? It's like a fucking Sapporo with Sapporo Slurpee. It's like a fake head on the beer that's like frozen beer on top of the beer. Damn. It's unbelievable.

We've got to find that. It's so good. Do they have that one Japanese stand that they have where they have Poke Bowls for some reason? It must be part of that. Because it is. Every time I walk past it, I'm like, am I about to eat a Poke Bowl at Dodger Stadium? And then I'm like, no, I'm not. But if you're going to get anything at Dodger Stadium, there's at the Hawaiian King's Roll place,

there's a pulled pork sandwich that they just serve pulled pork on a slab of four Hawaiian things. It's so big. It's so good. It's so good. And also, Tommy Lasorda's Trattoria. Oh, man. Oof, my lung.

And my fourth pick is putting a hoodie on over a bathing suit. Nice. Oh, fuck it. Yeah. The best feeling you could have. Man, that is very specific. And it does feel so good.

That's almost, I've been swimming in the river and the sun went down and it's getting kind of cold up here. Yeah, up top. Yeah. My bottom's dry now. Well, my legs have never been cold my entire life. But sometimes my up top gets cold. You just kind of, it's just like, and it's a good look. Yeah, it is a good look.

Everyone looks cool when you're doing it. I remember I was staying in Santa Monica. The girl I was dating at the time was like, yeah, I'm going to give us a hotel for a couple nights. It was really fun. And we had gone swimming and hanging out at the beach. And yeah, put on just a fucking hoodie. And I felt like a surfer. Yeah. Yeah, it was really fun. It's had like, yeah, we've gone swimming and hanging out at the beach and yeah, put on just a fucking hoodie. And I felt like a surfer.

Yeah. Yeah. It was really fun. It's such a good feeling. It's such a good look. It can be a new hoodie or an old hoodie. I kind of like real old hoodies. It's a little gritty,

but it still feels good. On your skin, you feel like you're getting away with something. Yeah. That's a good ass pic. It is. Cause that's just like a good summer feeling. Yeah.

I got no real jokes about it. It's so specific, though. Everybody's done that. Yeah. And for me, it's like a camping thing. Yeah. It's like you went out on the boat today. Everybody's out on the boat all day, and you were swimming in and out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what else is clutch about it? It's oftentimes the bathing suit won't have pockets. So you've got all your shit packed into that, like the front hoodie pocket. Yeah. Put your keys. Yeah. Your Samsung Galaxy Note.

Samsung Galaxy Note. That's all I have with me. Your, those video games that were just one game, those handheld ones from back in like the early 90s, you know? Like a game gear? Like, but no, but it was just one game. Oh, it was just one game. The whole thing.

It was like baseball players painted onto it. Like I had an Aladdin one. Have you ever seen, you can pull out the LCD screen and you can see all of the possible crazy combinations of those. What? I have. I broke so many of those. It looks beautiful. Really? Like the Tiger games,

right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The brand Tiger? It's this weird shit where you can just see, like, everything looks like just like if, like, Koopa was, like, a many-armed beast. And, like, it's psychedelic and weird and awesome. Yeah, I broke a bunch of those. And you only get to see it because you were bad. You smashed them.

Yeah, you had to be a bad kid. We've got to get our hands on some of those. Yeah. What are you talking about? The pork sandwiches or the tiger? Yeah, pretty much everything that's been mentioned on this podcast. Very chill. All right, time for my fourth pick.

With my fourth pick, I'm going to take something that's similar to the hoodie after the bathing suit. And it's something that's been mentioned on this podcast one other time before. Maybe on the beach one. Which is showering and putting on new clothes after you got a little bit sunburned that day. Yes. I have no idea what you're talking about. A little bit, just a little bit sun.

I never. You can't burn at all? Never, I don't either. There's no burn? People talk about it. It's like in one ear, out the other. Here's the thing. I don't know what the fuck people are bitching about.

There is a drastic difference between a little bit of sunburn and sunburn. Sunburn. Sunburn sucks so bad. I agree with you so hard on the little bit. Just a little. Honestly, it's like you've just been kissed by a flaming hot cheetah. Yeah, right.

Just enough to know you're alive. It's kind of spicy. You get in the shower and it's a little spicy. Like the hot wings, but when the hot's not that hot, extreme's kind of spicy. You get in the shower and it's a little spicy. Like the hot wings, but when the hot's not that hot, extreme's actually the hot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so it's just like a little, but it's like on your shoulders.

Like when you take niacin to pass a drug test. Yeah, for instance that. Does that get you spicy? It gets your whole body itchy. Okay, I've never had to take niacin. I've never had a drug test since I smoked weed. It doesn't work. I don't work at the sports authority.

It's a little bit like you have a rash on your whole body. Or you're just about to have a fever. Oh, no. Niacin. I think it's called niacin fever. No, that is not. It sucks. Yeah.

I heard. So that's not. But the good version of that. Yeah, but the good version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with that. And then you go in the shower and it hurts a little bit, but you scrub up, and then you go put on a nice, clean shirt, and you feel like you're remade.

You feel like you're- Especially because when you're doing that, you kind of actually look at your whole wardrobe in your head and find your softest shirt. Yeah. You're like, I got the terrible shirt. You kind of actually think about that for the first time ever, which is refreshing. Yeah. You're like, I got the tan shirt. You kind of actually think about that for the first time ever, which is refreshing. Yeah. To have this Rolodex of your outfits.

Here's a question I've always wondered about people getting sunburned and whatnot. When you're tan, is it like when you look in the mirror and you've lost a couple pounds and you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. I'm a summertime boy. Okay. That's what I always wondered about that. Yeah. Because I never heard anybody say it, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, I'm a summertime boy. Okay. That's what I always wondered about that.

Yeah. Because I never heard anybody say it. Oh, no, you style a little bit for sure. Yeah. As soon as you get tan, you're like, fuck yes. Fuck yeah. I could go out. I look Greek.

Finally. It's as good as you're going to look for a lot of folks. I look like an olive swallower, you know? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yo, is that racist? No comment. Damn. I don't like being good at it.

Olive swallower, David? Come on, dog. I don't like, because of the Mediterranean. I know. No, I just, see, this is a problem. I don't like being good at it. You're good at it. You're very good at it. You can write a book just creating. I don't like being good at it. You're good at it. It's a gift and a curse. You can write a book just creating. I don't want to be that book guy, though.

You're like Goering, you know? It's like, you didn't want to. No, I'm just joking. I swallow olives. I swallow olives. Oh, so that's why you could say it. I don't want any other non-olive swallowers to say this. One of your friends is an olive swallower, all right?

I'm half olive swallower. Okay. Yeah, so showering and then putting on new clothes after you get, ooh, just a little bit burnt. Just a little bit burnt. Just a kiss. The flip side of that coin is getting very burnt, like I did one time, and couldn't even stand on the leg that was burnt. No, that seems terrible. It sucks.

David, time for your fourth pick. Okay, so my fourth pick. I can't believe I got it in the fourth. Damn. This is crazy to me. I thought it was going to go for sure. Fireworks. Yeah.

Fireworks at nighttime. And not pyrotechnic like we go downtown to Civic Center. I'm talking about in the cul-de-sac. Yeah. Jesse's dad just has a box of fireworks damn something could go wrong yeah everybody's too drunk like at one point the mortar tube tips over everybody has to go inside any dude named jesse there's gotta be a dude named jesse has a dad who has fireworks yeah that is 100%. That is a firework dad having ass names.

100%. 100%. Can I go into one of my trademark Carmel rants? Do it. You know what really grinds my gears? I've been doing rants lately. Around the 4th of July. Around the 4th of July.

Would you stop it with the fucking, my dog hates your fireworks. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You know what? I don't fucking my dog hates your fireworks shut up shut the fuck up you know what i don't fucking care does your dog hate america too you take care of your stupid dog all right you take care of your stupid dog the veterans with ptsd that one i'll buy that one i get but i don't care about what your fucking dog thinks about fireworks that's your problem this one day of the year we have this one day where we set off fireworks. And we set off a ton of fireworks. And the seven days on either side.

And yes, it is a three to four week event. And if for some reason you're Armenian, it's most nice. Yeah, it's all summer. Yeah, yeah. It's all summer. We like to celebrate. It's our nonstop. Nonstop.

It hits like 2 a.m. and you're just like, hey, I got fireworks. The boomgoshians, as they call them. Did you guys? Were you guys fireworks kids? Because that's one part of my youth where I was really lucky. I straight up played with fireworks with no adults from the time I was a kid. Turn whistling pizza into like M-80s and stuff. Oh, yeah.

Pull the stick off a bottle rocket and just toss it in the air. Shoot bottle rockets into water. Me and my boy Nick Nampe, front of the podcast, not in the studio, would used to- I just saw him the other day, by the way. Yeah, you saw him up in Portland, right? Yeah, yeah. Love that kid. Shout out to Nick.

We would shoot, we got into a Roman candle fight once. Oh, Roman candle. Oh, my God. Because they don't burn like you think they do. Yeah, yeah. They're just like- And then you just, yeah. Can I just say about the dog thing? Yeah. My dogs are very scared of fireworks, and I like the Fourth they are. They're just like little... Can I just say about the dog thing?

My dogs are very scared of fireworks and I like the 4th of July. That's the only time they come looking to me for protection. They come to me and snuggle and they're so... You love it! It's actually very nice. I think it's the same with my dog on the 4th of July.

However, he did fight in Benghazi. He wasn't Benghazi. He wasn't Benghazi. He was in Benghazi. Benghazi. So I don't know where he really stands on it. If it's PTSD or... He really hates Hillary Clinton. Everyone's in the family.

Sorry for my dog, Rick. It's just like, it annoys me so much when people like... I'm with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, this is actually weird for me to say, because I don't think anyone else agrees with me. I hate fireworks. Do you?

What? But I love fireworks when it's with friends. I don't like going to the beach on Fourth of July. Oh, for the big display? No, that's what I'm talking about, actually. That's why I completely agree with you on this. I fucking hate like the

big showstopper. What I want is like putting weird things into beer bottles and shooting them off. Making your mom do one even though she's kind of scared of fireworks.

Oh, yeah. Just light it, just light it, just light it. Like my uncle and his friends, like God bless their drug addictions because they had no fear

and like they were truly like losing like pieces of their arms and like getting

shooting each other in the ass and I was eight being like this is the funniest thing I've ever seen and now as an adult

I no one I know has any of that courage to almost die for my enjoyment. When I was a kid, grown-ups were dumb as hell. Did y'all grow up in states where you had to...

We had to drive down to Ohio to get good firewood. So we had to go up to Washington. So I had a South Carolina... See, I had a split in Washington when I lived in Washington State as a kid. Free-for-all. They would, I could, kids can buy fireworks. Yeah, Washington State's crazy.

On the, on the, like, we'd go to Muckleshoot. You have to go to the reservations. Yeah, you go to Muckleshoot and Auburn and, yeah, they let kids. But then in Colorado, we had to drive to Wyoming to get fireworks. You know the thing about those adults is, what we forget now that we're in our 30s, is those adults were 22. Some of them. That is true.

People were having babies. Babies having babies. We shouldn't have been around them. I remember being around so many drunk people. Fourth of July, just drunk grown-ups. Those fireworks shows suck cause like it's over

and then it's you and a bunch of strangers quietly walking back to your cars like cool lights and then it's like you left the party for that

yeah right yeah and then there's like traffic there and traffic leaving cause like everyone leaves at the same time cause you've just been sitting on

okay yeah here's a question though we're all in a city in a state where we know some insanely rich people. Yeah. We're going to start getting to the point where the Backyard Hangout is an insane professional fireworks show. Oh.

If not already. We need somebody we know to really make it, and it hasn't happened yet. Funches. Yeah. But you know what I mean? We're going to cross that line at some point. When somebody goes Kevin Hart. Yeah.

Working on it. All right, do it, dude. I'm a grown little man. Nice. That's the dream. Anyway, put on a professional firework show for your friends. Or let them fire the guns? That's a great pick.

I assume it's guns. Sean, it is time for your fourth and final pick, as it is a serpentine draft. So fourth pick, truly, I miss going to fairs. Yeah. That used to be my favorite part of a summer night, is going to the fair, going to a boardwalk, My favorite part of a summer night is going to the fair, going to a boardwalk, playing the games with friends, and just basically being little terrors. Just insane food that you're jacked up on sugar. Exactly. Truly, one of my fair memories is going on a roller coaster that a church built in a day and barfing a candied apple.

It's dark and your parents don't know where you are. That was when it was the best of that. It's just you and three friends, your little friend gang. You know, running around. That was the best part. Your parents were gone. You had money. They'd give you a little bit of money.

You had $8. A quarter-based economy. Meanwhile, your parents were just making out to the Sheryl Crow cover band. Right. They were fucking hammered on. No, I mean like. Jake Wine. The parents were all in the beer tent and then it was just like all the kids and then

like the bad teenagers. Yeah. Who were like, you want drugs? Like we're 12, no. Yeah. Man, did you have a name for yours? Did you have like a summer carnival? Yeah, we always went to the St. Mary's Fair.

See, ours was called Parker Days. And it was like a high school reunion too. Especially in high school, we would go to Parker Days. Or like in 18, 19, you go to Parker Days. And it was like dudes who were seniors when I was a freshman. And then it was like everybody from our town went. Oh, that's so awesome.

Yeah. Every, even now, if you're from Elizabeth and you go to Parker day, I could go to Parker days this summer and see 50 people I know. Damn. Yeah. Everybody was in the area. Yeah. I just miss those fairs.

Like you got to eat shitty food. You got to go on rides that were like so much more dangerous than they had to be. Oh, yeah. You got to buy a hot tub if it was a state fair. You know how they're always selling hot tubs at state fairs? I don't know. It's a weird move, though. Imagine buying that thing. Yeah.

Go on down to the state fair, spend $8,000 on a hot tub, leave. Sure, why not? I will say, last time I was at the LA County Fair, I did accidentally buy a $100 sneaker cleaning kit. Because the guy just started cleaning my sneaker. And I was like, oh yeah,

this looks really good. And then he was like, do you want to buy it? And I'm like, no. And then he's like, well then pay me for the sneaker. And I'm like, well then do the other. And then he's like, well I'll tell you what, if you pay me for it, I'll throw in the thing. And then I was like, well, I'll tell you what, if you pay me for it, I'll throw in the thing. And then I was like, well, how much did I pay you? He's like, a hundred bucks.

What the fuck? This sucks. What a hustle. And did they work? I feel like those things never work like you think they're going to work. Oh, it does not work when I do it. When he did it, it was wonderful. Shimmering.

I'm not even kidding. Like new sneakers? Yeah, it felt like new sneakers. He's so good at it. You got to get handy with that Jason Marks stuff. It's only like 20 bucks. Is that? Yeah, it felt like new sneakers. He's so good at it. You ought to get handy with that Jason Marks stuff. It's only like 20 bucks. Is that? Yeah.

My boy's been scotch guarding it. You can take your sneakers to the Jason Marks store in Little Tokyo. They'll put them for you. So I miss fairs. I want fairs. The fairs are great for summer nights. And my last pick is something I've never had, but I think it would make a summer night better, is being on a boat with a guy who was in the Navy in the 50s or 40s

and hearing him tell stories. Quite like Quint from Jaws. I think that's the last ingredient I want for a perfect night. I go to the fair, then I'm on a boat with this guy, and then I'm telling him about the fair and how I threw up, and he's like,

oh, I have something similar, brother. And then he tells this great story about how he fucked an octopus or something. Calm seas, right, Johnny? Yeah. That's all I want. That was going to be my number one pick. The calm seas can hide a tumultuous event below.

Feel glad you went last week. I could have picked Little Rob tomorrow. It would have taken years for us to even say. You would have never got it. You'd have to be Googling. You would have never got it. I don't know. You'd have to be Googling a lot. We could have drafted summer songs. We could have drafted songs by Lils about the summer.

Yeah. It might not have gotten there. Yeah. Lil Flip Sunshine would probably have been before. Yeah, yeah. So I scuba dive. Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus? You got it.

Yeah, not scuba dubin'. Scuba diving. Thank you for everybody who it yeah not scuba dubin scuba diving thank you for everybody who tweeted me about scuba duba though it's good to know I'm not alone but every day

you'll go out on these boats it's not at night but it's in the morning usually and I've been deep sea fishing a couple times

weirdly my dad loves that shit and you'll be on these boats and sometimes the guys who drive those boats and the crew

are like these old salty dudes who seem like Quint. And they are way fun to be out in the water with. Of course. They'll let you drive sometimes. It's my dream. I just want to share a drink with a guy who would fucking hate me if he actually met me in the real world.

But you're on the boat. I'm on the boat, man. We're equal levels. We're brothers at arm. You're on the boat. You give him $125. If shit goes down, we're in this together. He's jumping in and fighting the shark.

Have you ever heard a good story? I mean, not like an amazing story that I remember. The just vibe is so good. Yeah. They just seem so comfortable out on the ocean in a way that you're like, I'm not that guy. Oh, yeah. Like my true dream is he tells a 20-minute story about the time he had sex with a mermaid. And then I'm like, I think you're talking about a walrus, bro.

I like that you've like, you've really, you've done, you've like written this a few drafts. Like you've punched up this story. You gave yourself a razz on him? Yeah. I think you need a walrus, bro. Dog, you fucked a manatee. And then he kills you and leaves you in the ocean. Yeah.

Just like I did to Natalie Wood. You just described, like, the winner of the South by Southwest short film festival. Just make that, dog. It's what I want. Yeah. Perfect summer night. It's excellent. David, time for your final pick.

First off, I want to say shout out to my mom who just texted me. Shout out. I love you. And I just told her that I would shout her out right now because we're doing this. All right. My last pick. Oh, man. I would shout it out right now because we're doing this.

All right. My last pick. Oh, man. So this is one that we used to do a lot when I was a kid, and then I didn't do it for years, and then my buddy Sam T moved to Vegas, and I've done it like the last few summers. Drive-in movies. Oh, yeah. Drive-in. Because I've done the whole evolution of like when I was a kid going to the drive-in movies,

and I wouldn't watch the movie. I would just play on the playground, which is just like the drive-in playgrounds are like the projects for children it's very dangerous over there yeah because you don't know all these kids from other cars and then I did it like when I got older and then like the last few summers yeah I've done I've done like double matinees at the one in Vegas or like double headers at the ones in Vegas and it's just so fun the lights are coming down you gotta like you got you know however you have your car situated you got your beers in there on the low or whatever you go to the snack shack it's just like a really i would rather watch movies like that than go to the movie theater because it's like an event it's like an event

you know what i mean it's like even going it's fun you got to wait in this long line of cars it's just like you could be a little more you got to wait in this long line of cars. It's just like. Pull in. You've got a little more room, a little more comfy. Yeah, and it's like a lot of times you watch two movies. Yeah. And so it's like a night, you know? You get some food.

I've never been to a drive-in movie. If I did, I went when I was a child. Yeah, I went when I was five and I saw Star Trek like five. The whale one. Oh, man. Next time you're in Vegas, the ones in Vegas go all the time. Really? Yeah.

That's the last two or three summers I've been to those. Are the ones in Vegas too savvy, though? I feel like shit in Vegas now, you're like, oh, you can get Molly here. No, man. It's very old-timey. It's very family. There's still a playground where all the kids go to play. Right.

They'll shiv each other in the dark. Kids are fucking jacked. where all the kids go to play. Right. That's the other thing. They'll shiv each other in the dark. Kids are fucking jacked. Like, last time, I think I... Like, they're so stoked to be, like, at the movies,

but, like, able to run around to. It's like... Because I like being in the presence of children. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's just... Especially in the summer. Like, it shouldn't be all, like, cool adult cocktail vibes.

We learned that from the barbecue draft, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't you take one of those kids there? Yeah, I love it when there's kids there. But that is true. I feel like the summer inherently belongs to children. It's their time. Yeah, it is their time. Anything we do

we're just trying to read. Just have this moment that reminds us of being kids. I don't think that's bad. I think that's a great thing. That's great. They should be everywhere. It's their time. Yeah everywhere it's their time yeah it's summer like they didn't do shit all day today that's the other thing is you worked you know what i mean you still got a life you got bills like for them it's ultimate freedom they

had the summertime people but yeah i love the drive-in movies too it's just and i love sneaking my own shit in in general yeah you know what i? Just like as a big fuck you to the movie. You got that Chinese Hennessy in the glove compartment. You could use that to clean sneakers, actually. Yeah, there you go. Just like wipe it clean. So clean. That's what it's for. Time for my final pick.

And my final pick is kind of a weird one. One of my favorite things to do in the nighttime in the summer is wake up where I took a thick nap in the middle of the day. I did that so many times this summer. You know? And you wake up and it's like 6.37 and it's like the lights just starting to change. And you're like, ooh, what am I going to get into tonight? Because I got a full tank. I've done that so many times this summer. And I've woken up to the text from Sean Jordan being like, what's up, Playboy?

I'm like, just getting off work. And I'm like, me too. It's fucking party. He's living like Baloo from the Jungle Book ass life. When I'm home, my days are my own. Yeah, absolutely. I gave my heart to the road. My days are mine.

My days are mine. Another day at the Z's mine. Pull it out. It is by Z's alone that I set my will in motion. It's such a good feeling, though, where you're like, maybe you got a little stoned earlier in the day, and you're like, I gotta sleep this off. And you wake up, and it's like fresh. Summer night is like the most potential a night ever has.

Ever. Like 6 p.m. on a summer. There's no other nights. I'll take any summer night over New Year's Eve. Yes. Oh, yeah. No questions asked. Oh, yeah.

No. Summer night is better than prom night. It's better than New Year's Eve. Like it truly is. I have a better chance of getting laid too. Yeah. It's that night where anything could happen. Yeah, and it often doesn't, but it doesn't matter because the potential is the best.

Most of the time you just hang out with your friends. The best thing you can do. It's really fun. Yeah, I fucking hate the winter. I love summer so much. I'm going to go out after this. I don't give a shit. I met my wife on a summer night.

See? Look how that worked out. Yeah, it worked out. We got married. And now I don't relate to the sleeping during the day and waking up thing. That's for your kid. I passed it on. He gets to do that.

The summer still belongs to me way more than him. He's wasting it. Yeah, he's tiny. He can't eat launch fireworks yet. The final pick of the Summer Night's All Fans, everything Andrew T. Well, I feel a little bad because we've been on a real wholesomeness kick. He's about to say Chinese Hennessy. This is not better for your brain than Chinese Hennessy.

Worse for your brain than Chinese Hennessy. It's dropping LSD at 11 p.m. Whoa. At 11 p.m. is the time you picked? We're up all night. We're up all night long. Yeah, because you dropped at 11. Yeah.

I thought you were going to say like six. Nope. Is this you or the Chinese Hennessy talking? No, I did this routinely in high school I way more relate to the nap I think it was because we were just like We're staying up all night long Staying up all night used to be

Sexy We're dropping acid and part of staying up All night is being on LSD Until the sun rises I have been on LSD until the sun rises. Yeah. That is, I have been on LSD when the sun came up, and it does feel cool. It feels amazing. And then, like, one hour later, yeah, oh, boy, it feels like the worst thing ever. Really?

I've still never done acid. I've still never drunk LSD. I don't know. Yeah. The problem is it takes too much time. You need to be at a place where you have zero responsibilities. I'm on the go. I need fast drugs.

I mean, kind of. Also, my problem is I forget that I took acid a lot. Whoa. Really? Yeah. That's a you thing. That's a you thing. I'll take acid and then just like, I don't know.

Then you're at Home Depot and you're like, fuck, I took acid. No, no. What's happened to me before is that I'm in my room watching I'm Still Here crying. And I'm like, what? And then I'm like, oh, I took acid. That movie will fuck you up if you're frightened. Which one is that? The Joaquin Phoenix movie?

Yeah, Joaquin. If you're on acid, that shit will fuck your shit up. Man. So what are the exact differences between LSD and mushrooms? Because I've done mushrooms a lot. Yeah, me too. It's a little similar similar but to me it's this is gonna be the most hippie ass shit it it feels like more electric like it feels like a

little metallic and electric and artificial i've always it's synthetic like yeah when you take mushrooms it's like you almost have less control of like your emotions and the feels and what you see and like acid is very like calculated. Yeah. Like it's like clearly made to make you feel like this. So it's like, am I right to say this? Like my times doing mushrooms,

what I kind of felt, it felt kind of spiritual, like one with like the woods. Yeah. And this kind of feels like your, your veins are neon. It's very analog. Yeah.

It's like that shirt you bought at the Jersey Shore. Yeah. And it's like acid's like, I'm a genius. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like shrooms is like the world and we're all connected. Acid's like, I'm better than everyone. So acid's not humbling the way mushrooms are.

No. Acid makes you think you're great. Acid, I think there's a, the other thing too is, I know a lot of people like the more hippie vibe with acid. To me, acid is like nine inch nails. Like, it's just like. I think you're right. I think that people confuse it.

I think if you knew how they both felt, hippies would take mushrooms. Only. Yeah. Like acid's not, it's not, I don't know. Yeah. I don't, it's too, it's like, yeah, it's very robot. Yeah. It's like the new Transformers movies. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that. I think I'm good know. Yeah. It's too – yeah, it's very robot. Yeah. It's like the new Transformers movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that. I think I'm good not doing acid. I thought that for a while. I haven't done it since like high school, maybe early college. And recently I've been like, I kind of want to do acid again. Well, listen, if you do acid, I'll do it, obviously. I did acid on Friday.

It was not that cool. Did you really? Yeah. Come in. That is very recent. Where were you? Phoenix'll do it, obviously. Yeah. I did acid on Friday. It was not that cool. Did you really? Yeah. Come in. That is very recent. Where were you? Phoenix. All right, yeah.

Oh, well, that's why. No, it wasn't the acid. No, it was. Yeah, well, yeah. We talk a lot of shit about Phoenix. Sorry, Phoenix. But also, the last two times I've been in Phoenix, I've done acid. Well, see, there it is.

Well, what else are you going to do in a 120-degree weather? I really am. Let's just sweat some more. I'm already going. Yeah. Except suck the neon god's dick. Yeah. It's that. Let's just sweat some more. I'm already going. Yeah. Except suck the neon God's dick. Yeah.

It's that. It's sucking the neon God's dick. Yeah. And so also that's it. That's what I love about summer. Sorry for the weird

vibes. I realize it got so sweet and then I was like. It started with s'mores. Yeah. I mean it's a natural progression. Yeah. So just to recap

everybody's list. Sean, you went first. You took s'mores, hey dude-in-it, boardwalk t-shirts, fares, and being on a boat with a guy who was in the Navy in the 40s or 50s. David, you went second. You took Summer Nights by Lil Rob, kissing, getting off work, fireworks,

and drive- driving movies. I feel great about it. I went third. I took driving around with the windows down and the music up. House parties. Eating and having exactly two beers at a Mexican place after a day at the beach. Showering and putting on new clothes after you get a little bit burnt. Just a little bit.

And then waking up. And then, Andrew, you went last and took an old, or break, wait. Oh, wait. What the fuck? I don't know. Oh, night swimming. I don't what the fuck? Oh, night swimming. I don't know why I write an old night swimming. I don't know what was happening to my brain.

An old night swim. An old night swim. I think that's what we said. An old, good old night swim. Good old night swim. Turn up the AC just for sleeping so you get real crispy and put on those blankets. When your local baseball team is shitty,

put on a hoodie over a bathing suit and drop an LSD at 11 p.m. You guys all have ones that could be one night, and mine is not. Or it's just a fucking crazy night. I would love to have that night, actually. It's like you have a wet bathing suit, you put on a hoodie, and you're like, you know what I want? Acid. Yeah.

And of course you need the AC to sleep, because you're not going to bed until noon. you know what I want? Acid. Yeah. And of course you need the AC to sleep because you're not going to bed until noon. Oh boy, you really need it. You need a wrap up of that blanket.

We left some good stuff on the board. The last ice cream truck. When you would hear that you're like this late? It's getting dark though. You know what I have on mine is keeping the water fight

going with the kids. Yeah. Too long. Yeah. The kids are, like, cold. And you're like... The other adults are mad at you. Yeah, they're like, dude, he's gonna get sick.

Like, we gotta go home now. Yeah, I love that. Go to the driving range when it's just, like, specifically Topgolf in Vegas. Go to see a movie and it's still light out when you get out of it. I had summer nights by Grease. Also, drinking keg beer. Keg beer, it. I had Summer Nights by Grease. Also drinking keg beer.

Keg beer, dude. I had keg beer the other night. Keg beer was a big, I had that on my list. I had beer pong and I also had egging cars. Oh, man. I used to love egging cars. Oh, when I was a teenager, I was like Dracula. I was like, the knife belongs to me.

Did you guys smash mailboxes? Also, you wore a big cloak, right? What? Yeah, we're big cloaks. Like a vicar collar or something? One of my favorite summer memories that we did maybe like four times, but we got the cops called us every time, is we would play hard three-on-three basketball in someone's driveway that we didn't know.

That must be scary if you're the homeowner. Waking up, literally hearing the slide of sneakers and it hitting off the backboard and us being like, foul, foul! Really going for it. That was fun. That's amazing.

I had a pretending you know constellations to impress someone that you're interested in. There's the little dipper. That's a North Star. That's that one. That's Hank Williams looking down on us from country heaven. Excellent picks.

Excellent picks all around. Shout out. We want to hear yours. Make sure you send them to us, to the listeners. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter. Send us emails at all or at, not at, AllFantasyPod on Twitter. Send us emails at all or at, not at, AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on Twitter, on Instagram.

Shout out to everyone on the subreddit. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Haji Beats. Haji Beats. Sid the Dude. Shout out to super producer Marissa. And more importantly than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy, everything Chinese Hennessy. that was a hate gun podcast