All Fantasy Everything - Superpowers (w/ Maggie Maye, Sean Jordan & David Gborie)

Episode Date: July 2, 2020

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's another two hours to distract you from the hell surrounding us at all times! The are joined by the amazing writer and comedian Maggie Maye to draft superpowers!Episode Guest:Maggie Maye @maggiemayehaha IG: @maggiemayehahaSupport the show!Sponsors:Hawthorne - Use promo code ALLFANTASY for 10% off your first purchase at Hawthorne.co.Manscaped - Get 20% off and free shipping with the code ALLFANTASY at Manscaped.com.Box of Awesome - Get 20% off your first monthly box with code ALLFANTASY at boxofawesome.com.Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts the entire world. From movies featuring an Oscar nominee that have under, what was it, 30% on IMDb? To condiments, to anything your imagination can conjure. Today's special guest is Maggie Mae, a very funny stand-up comedian you may have seen on Conan or read in Splitsider or The New Yorker. The New Yorker, no less. Are you kidding me? Get out of here. And as always, we'll be joined by Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that was having a good chuckle right before this.

It's standing all the way through. David's got a yearbook picture and his mom's copy of ebony magazine and we're in essence i can't be i can't be sure my yearbook photo it looks like i'm a ghost because they had to clean up so much acne off my face that it looks like it's like photoshopped in there and my hair is like just above my eyebrows i look like look like it's from the 70s probably oh wow they airbrushed your face yeah i and i didn't ask him to or anything i wasn't like hey is like just above my eyebrows. I look like it's from the 70s probably. Oh, wow. They airbrushed your face? Yeah.

And I didn't ask him to or anything. I wasn't like, hey, can you guys hook it up? They were just like, we're going to hook this up a little bit, I think. Your yearbook photo looked like the kid who died in the 70s came back as a ghost and like two people can see him. Yeah, and they're like, Sean didn't even go to this school.

He had some unfinished business. Y'all can see this yearbook, right? Y'all can see this in the yearbook. That's the only way the football team won the state championship that year, though. It was through Sean's ghost antics. It's like that movie The Sixth Man starring Marlon Wayans and Kadeem Hardison. That's exactly right, except the football team needed someone to do the splits. Hey, boys.

Need a little motivation? And then I just did the splits. boys need a little motivation and then i just did the splits bam little motivation what do you call them left foot forward right foot forward van damme baby oh yeah jean-claude van damme i find that references is uh hitting less and less the older i get the younger these crowds seem to get they're like van damme what uh what does that mean i'm like yeah van damme was when you do a splits suspended by two chairs see that's what i was going for that's what i call it because i can do that and i tell people yeah i'm about to do that yes you can still do the splits yeah on two chairs suspended oh my god i used to do that when i was so i used to be able to do the splits too

when I was younger in Taekwondo, but that ship has since sailed. I can't believe you can still do it. You can do it on the chairs suspended, Sean? Yeah. I got it from Bloodsport. I'm sure Maggie got it from Bloodsport too. That's where I got it.

Because he's sitting... I'm serious. He's sitting in his hotel room. He's like a prick, by the way. I saw Bloodsport and saw anything that you thought you could do Bloodsport is why I think I know martial arts

I've seen it a lot I feel like I could get beat to death in Southeast Asia that's what I took away from it if I go over there and start trouble I could probably get beat to death if the circumstances were right they could kill me you do sort of look like that bear guy the American

Harley I think his name is he was in Revenge of the Nerds could kill me you do sort of look like that bear guy the american right exactly yeah harley i think his name is harley that's right he was in revenge of the nerds he was the ogre i think that guy oh ogre oh that's big jock i remember him that's gotta be a day of mixed blessings when you get cast to play someone named ogre you just gotta be like all right man it's the paycheck this is he had to call his mom he had to call his mom like no i got the part yeah no no yeah i'm gonna be in the movie revenge of the nerds 2 what is it lines and everything i think they're still actually workshopping the character's name uh i don't think he has a name i don't think i don't think you know what mom is a sad credit that's what it is

it's me not eating taco bell for dinner this week that's what it is his name is health insurance for the next six months all right that's the character's name my braces can be paid off and we can not tell anyone it's up to you however you want to handle it but your boy's gonna be a couple procedures done so i don't get cast to play a character named fucking ogre next time i remember i uh when i did that i did like such a small little guest part in that whatever that what was that show called on like hbo i'm dying up here i'm dying up here oh i saw that i was very upset about this what you're about to say i was very mad about it my character's name and they didn't build the character around me i just went and like auditioned for it but the character's name is tubs the obese comic

and it's like how many bees how many bees two bees on tubs two bees i'll tell you what baked beans dude for bakery they don't tell you or they don't in the show they do not say ladies and gentlemen tubs the obese comic so the obese comic part was completely unnecessary they didn't call me until like until the last season when there's like a scene around like the table at canter's but like yeah they never say like welcome tubs they never needed to name the character it was just it was just sprinkles on the ice cream sundae as it were uh and also once you name the character tubs you don't need to put in the obese comic everybody knows who tubs is nobody's like tubs the guy who looks a little bit like kareem

abdul-jabbar that's not like the character's name it's fucking it's fucking crazy i got a question did they put like in the script every time you Tubbs, the obese comic or just Tubbs? Just Tubbs. But on IMDb, it says Tubbs, the obese comic. Hey, Tubbs, we're ready for you. Which Tubbs? The obese comic. All right.

Okay. Sorry, Idris. They mean me. All right. I'll go. That makes me feel like IMDb was taking a shot. I think they were. No, we got to explain this. When you go to my IMDb, it's like, oh, he wrote for the Tonys.

Oh, that's pretty impressive. Okay, oh, he's on Chelsea Lately. I think, Tubbs the obese comic. Fucking dickheads. It's more, it's honestly, it was so much more funny. It's pretty hilarious. you've been called fat so many times by the time you get to that age that it's like when when it becomes like a professional thing like that folks you're just so happy they found a new one yeah right tubs the obese comic

i never heard that that's new like a vault it's that kind of podcast folks where we talk about tubs the obese comic sean jordan. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. That's right. Tight. That's the best reaction. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

We've been seeing a lot of Cougar Melon Jordans. Sean, how are you? Anything to direct people towards or untowards as it were put some i have an album called the buck starts here on a special thing records and put some positive energy out into the world that are those are the things i would like to direct people to do yeah david borey is also here the g is silent on twitter cool guy jokes 87 on instagram uh-huh what uh what's up with you? How are you doing? You know, I'm doing good.

I've just been in the house. I started playing God of War. How do you like that? I don't. That's your new mixtape. You're just listening to it one time through before you put it out? Yeah. You've got to pump it loud with your shirt off to really feel the beat.

That's how all the greats do it. i'm just in the house i got this great project i've been working on you guys should all check it out it's called arrest the cops who killed brianna taylor yeah it is it's a good project you know twitter i don't care what you do right listen guys we're all just surviving man this whole time you know just don't be too hard on yourselves or be hard i don't know be critical of the things like that you should be critical of and then also uh forgive yourself for a certain i don't know you know what i mean like it is important to like not fucking let yourself move forward let yeah you're in the house you gotta like forgive yourself some somewhat just like guys it's a day at a time one step in

front you know what's dang that i've been stoked on probably one of the reasons i'm in a i'm in a good mood you know what's dank that i've been stoked on if this was just your podcast like if you ever did like an offshoot you could call it you know what's dank that i've been stoked on with sean jordan that's like your new york times daily you know how they do the roundup every morning that's just like your newsletter weekly roundup if you did an email newsletter that was called you know what's dank that i've been stoked on i feel like it would be a rousing success dude maybe i should do that maybe i'll do it on the patreon page like just kind of once a day you know what's dank that i've been stoked on today it is the fireflies it is roughly 6 000 people showed up to that trump

rally when they were expecting one person said a hundred thousand people i heard they were saying a million they said a million ticket requests they were saying a million people imagine what that did to that shitbags ego where he's just like it you see the pictures of the whole up top street league skateboarding events get more people than he got at his rally it's so sick i performed in front of bigger crowds when i opened for chelsea handler that shouldn't have happened yeah yeah oh that's you know i was so pumped on that of the people there too because they just cut out the top so they like did the spin around they're like everybody came up for trump and it's like we know that's what they do when like b2k can't sell out a stadium right now is they just kind of watch your mouth i want you know why i said that because i watched omarion's crib last night

omarion's very talented and i will not when i moved to la the very first time he's the first celebrity i saw because i like when i was in my early 20s and i went to the groundlings i was walking from the groundlings to my car and then there was like this like car custom customization place that's on melrose where they that's the place where they'll put like 18 tvs and like one of those g wagons or whatever it didn't happen to be west coast customs did it it was not west coast customs but it was like a similar outfit it was a similar i almost stopped i didn't know what was going on. That would have been the lead of the story. That would have been the celebrity.

But I was walking by a group of people who were talking outside of it, and I was like, somebody smells amazing. Of course. Of course. Amazing. Citrusy. I remember the smell. I really do.

I remember the smell. And I looked over, and I was like, oh, Marion. And then I kept walking he smelled so good you ever have scent flashbacks to omarion like you're at an orange julius and you just get like a whiff of it it's just the right somebody walks by wearing michael jordan cologne and for some reason it mixes with like the orange julius getting made i i never have i've never quite smelled omarion and todd glass are the two best smelling men i've ever encountered in my whole life todd glass smells so good yeah he smells good yep yeah uh what were you gonna say about omarion sean i cut you off i'm sorry i watched their cribs uh b2k they say you remember on cribs they said

like they're every now and again they'd be like oh we all live together and you're like i don't believe you but they were one of them. B2K said they all live together. And I was like, maybe for Cribs you do, but I bet you don't. Weren't they like 15? I bet they did. They probably all lived with their parents, dude. I mean, I don't think... I have a sad one before we even go...

I have a B2K story. Why did you say sad? It's because it's sad. I saved up to buy a South Pole sweatsuit to go to a B2K concert, and then I got grounded. It was over the summer. That's a different kind of sad. What did you get grounded for?

I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, it's not that sad anymore. It's sadder than you think. Did you at least get the sweatsuit? Not even, man. I did listen to B2K in my room, which for a 15-year-old dude is complicated. It's hard to listen to Bum, Bum, Bum and be sad. It's not good sad music.

We're able to make up for that right now. B2K is joining the Zoom. God, that'd be so sick. I'd walk out. I'd do that. You know when people are so excited they have to leave? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to walk into this moment again.

No, I'd actually rather talk to Maggie than B2K. Biz has no personality. 100%. Damn. Take that, Omarion.% Take that Omarion Take that Omarion He listens he listens Your day is living high on the hogger over my friend

Speaking of Maggie Mae Maggie Mae haha on Twitter And Maggie Mae haha on Instagram How are you doing? I'm good I'm doing pretty good how are you? Doing wonderful I'm so glad you're on today. It's been like so long overdue. I'm always so overjoyed to see you and to talk to you.

I do. I've been low-key offended that you guys have not asked me to do y'all's podcast, so I'm glad I get to scratch y'all off my shit list. Yeah, appropriate. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. I gotta take him.

Can we come back in like an hour? I gotta take a minute. I gotta calm down my heart just started thumping Sean's pinwheeling right now he's pinwheeling that was off the podcast right I think that was

before we were talking about that being like a side effect like when a Mac starts pinwheeling but like but what if a person did it was it worth bringing up only the audience can decide Maggie where can where can people where can people What if a person did it? Was it worth bringing up? Only the audience can decide. Maggie, where can people encounter your wonderful work? You know, on the internet where everything is. There's a Conan.

There's a Conan. All the things that I'm working on are like things that I'm working on for myself. So I'm not like putting them out just yet. But like this feels sadder than David's B2K. Listen, listen. She has a great Conan. There's a Carson Daly. There it is. You can read her in the New Yorker.

Come on. Let's give them all. Oh, okay. I thought you guys were like, I thought y'all were like, well, what have you done for us lately? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, this is your introduction to like, this is your introduction to all of the, of the all family, everything.

Probably not to all of them. I bet a bunch of them already know who you are. I am, I'm blowing it. I see why y'all haven't had me on previously. No, it's not true. Not true one bit. David blows it all the time. Look at him.

I've never blown it once. Yeah, right. You blew it going to that B2K concert. You blew it getting that South Pole sweatsuit. Listen, I can't believe you didn't just go get it. I walked down memory lane makes me realize I didn't need a South Pole

sweatsuit. The real South Pole sweatsuit was the friends I made along the way. How about that i was gonna be baby blue too it would have been something i didn't look back on fondly i would look back on you in it fondly i guarantee we've talked about how i feel about baby blue baby blue's an issue baby blue is always an issue i had dudes in baby blue you gotta chill yeah i'm saying that your words just fell on so many chilling deaf ears my friend you gotta like one one baby blue thing we can't go out baby blue'd out no you're not carmelo anthony knock it off yeah it's a crazy fat joe and fat joe let

everybody know that you can do it and make it it's the same when you see a fat dude with like too much yellow where you're like, bro, you got to calm down, man. We need to know our strengths and we need to know our weaknesses. Exactly. You out here looking like a plantain isn't helping any of us. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. You look crazy.

It's too much yellow. It's too much yellow. You look like a French's mustard bottle escaped the fridge and is wobbling down the street. I love a big dude in a baby blue sweatsuit. It is. Baby blue in Portland. You wait. Okay.

Hold on. That's a crazy sentence. You just said. Yeah, that's true. You love a big dude in a baby blue sweatsuit? Yeah. I don't think I can make it any clearer. I know. There's no other way to make that

clear. I can't drive it home anymore. I love how out of nowhere that is just, I love a big dude in a baby blue. He like looked off in the distance. I was hoping I'd see a dude out there in a baby blue sweatsuit. Standing out in front of the house with an Easter basket.

He's been waiting 170 episodes for it to get brought up. Thank God. My spot. Baby blue in Portland was the official color of this guy might fight the bus driver. That was like. That was a pretty good one carms every time it'd be something coming in from gresham wearing like a baby blue and you're like uh-oh damn it exactly what you're talking about the guy on the bus where you're like what is this dude about to

do he's always got like also a navy blue hat on and you're like fuck it's going down for real he's got he would have like those like those short like his in portland there's always a white dude with like a short blonde buzz cut and like always going for a beard but never quite getting there and then like dude in denver it would be a guy with the hat and then he would have he would have not the bluetooth but just the earphone mouthpiece cord all the way to his cell phone. You know what I'm talking about? I do know what you're talking about. And just like gold.

Yeah. Yeah. Sean knows exactly what I'm talking about. I think my aunts brought that guy to dinner a couple of times. We're like, yeah, this is the one that you want in the family. Huh? This guy. You sell insurance. That's that you want in the family, huh? This guy. You sell insurance.

That's why you're on the phone. We sat all Thanksgiving dinner. My aunt brought a dude like that to the crib and he didn't for real have a baby blue sweatsuit on, but I know he had one. But he had his Bluetooth in the whole time and it kept blinking purple, like a big portion of it, like a quarter sized part of it would blink purple every five or six seconds, probably all night. Now, was that was that a custom thing or does the Bluetooth come with that? I don't know.

I never had a Bluetooth. I never quite got there. I think that's just reminder mode to remind people that you got a Bluetooth up in this. Notice it. Notice it, notice it. My name is Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on Twitter, Ian Carmel on Instagram, Ian Carmel on Jewish Down Dog app, which is an app I just found where it will give you custom yoga workouts

that you can do. And I've been trying to stretch more, get more into yoga. I did some other day. My back was all jacked, and I did some yoga for, I don't know, three days or something. It helped a lot. Beautiful. Before we did this podcast, I was going to eat some Chobani Greek yogurt, so I get it. We all out here being healthy so i love it so much blended in key lime flavor dude chobani's

really good yeah it's like you know you can get the unflavored and use it like sour cream that's right this is something i'm just hearing about my nephews, instead of fucking sour cream, they put yogurt on their tacos and it's bananas. What did you say to me? I said yogurt. That was being funny. But they put yogurt on their tacos. And it's wild to me just to put yogurt on your taco. I don't know.

Here's what you got to do, man. You got to free your mind from that yogurt shaped box. Yogurt can be whatever you want it to be. I break everything in here man not today david not today david you don't have to just put granola in there you can not today david on go skateboard day go skateboard day that's the day we're recording we're recording on faja's day on faya's day to take it back to uh oh my father oh my father gosh uh, my father. Gosh, father. It's a funny movie still. There's a couple more episodes of Game On on CBS on the Columbia Broadcasting System.

And you can see all the old ones on CBS.com or CBS All Access. And yeah, I mean, like David said, don't let the donating stop just because we're getting a little bit further from when it was the big trending thing on Twitter and Instagram. We know, Ollie, we're very generous people, both of spirit and with your wallets, but don't let it stop. If that paycheck hit again, you got a couple bucks sitting around and you're like, what am I going to do? Eat eight cinnamon rolls or maybe make a donation? Maybe eat three cinnamon rolls and donate the rest you know what i mean you can live your life

like that be loud be vocal make noise watch out for those cinnabons man they only mean you harm i haven't had a cinnabon in a decade at least it's scary they're scary they are we would get them when we would celebrate christmas at my mom's sometimes someone would bring cinnamon rolls from cinnabon and it's just like i can't be in the same room as them because it's like i feel like if i eat a whole one i'm gonna die yeah yeah it really does feel like that like you should probably smoke three cigarettes let me get one of those Chesterfields. Yeah, I'm not trying to die off this Cinnabon. Oh, man. When I get near them, I hear like a very high-pitched whine

when I get near the box. Oh, yeah. I black out. I black out. Fucking Cinnabon, man. Wake up in a field covered in icing. There's never, there's never, I don't, they never should have been invented.

They're delicious. I know that, but like that was been invented. They're delicious. I know that. But like that was like that and the nuclear weapons. We can't put the toothpaste back in the bottle. Like it's fucking. No, no, no. There's only two worlds. Pre-Cinnabon, post-Cinnabon.

And we're in a post-Cinnabon world, man. Just trying to make it a little, a little bit further into our lives. Took a dark turn, bro. True story. Dark Carmel. Dark Carms. Dark Carms. The carmy of darkness that's why i'm thinking of driving up to uh portland instead of flying just so i avoid all cinnabons dude that's

a fact now we are gathered here today not only to talk about the potential health dangers of uh cinnamon rolls covered in delicious frosting i want one so bad right now after we talked about it but also to draft another topic that I'm amazed we haven't done. We've been hitting some like topics that like I would have thought we would have knocked out of the park like in the first 10 episodes. We're drafting superpowers. Yeah. Suggested by Maggie. Fantastic fucking topic.

This is so exciting. I had so much fun coming up with ideas. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. So here we go. I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Sean wins.

Cover, cover. Are you on the road? Sean, are you on a winning streak right now? Yeah, I think so. I mean, let's call anybody. Two is a streak? Okay. I've seen Major League, David.

Okay. Yes, two is a streak. David's the Bill Russell of this shit, watching everyone be like, Michael Jordan's the greatest ever. And meanwhile, he's sitting there with 12 rings. Yeah, I don't know. What else do you want? Sean, as the winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors,

it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. That's a great question. Your voice got different. You really want to know, don't you?

When I eat a waffle, I'll tell you this. I like to have a little bit of syrup in every single little square. So the best way to do that is sort of serpentine, where you start at the top and you just fill the squares from left to right, and then you go one waffle square down, and then you fill right to left, one waffle square down, left to right, one waffle square down, right to left, all the way to a heart attack. It's the best way to eat a waffle.

Fill them in one at a time, back and forth like Aal like alia said and uh yeah that's basically a serpentine draft essentially what it is is if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round is basically what it means there when i have a waffle by the way is like after your uh email newsletter is a big hit and bon appetit's like do you want to write a food column and you're like all right when i have a waffle with sean jordan and then it's waffle thoughts once a week. We're just going to get a whole paper. I like jam on waffles. It's like not as messy.

Yeah, jam on waffles is good. I've done peanut butter, and it just feels so, it just feels a little bit wrong. It's just like, boy. Can I ask you guys all a serious question? Yeah. As adults, do you ever feel like there's no good time for peanut butter anymore yeah no i disagree i i have peanut butter

i'm just saying but like breakfast is that's the only time i try to do it i'm like i don't need what am i doing i'm eating peanut butter it's like noon it feels very silly to have peanut butter at lunch it really doesn't have like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit down and then watch like an adult television show like all right i'm gonna watch i'm gonna watch the people versus oj simpson and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich it's an absurd thing to do feels like you fucked up yeah yeah feels like you're in trouble yeah like you can't have real good food. You just like eat your peanut butter and jelly. You know what you did.

Yeah. In my brain, I'm like, I'm a grown up. I'm supposed to be eating shrimp. I'm over here with this fucking kid's dribble. Like you're punishing yourself. Yeah. You jaywalked earlier. You know you did.

So make yourself peanut butter and jelly instead of that pizza. I thought I was going to grow up and it was going to be all shellfish and fucking caviar. Game birds, just quail, pheasant. Cornish game hand, the little one. Honey, we're out of game bird. I'm going to go to the forest. The one time I have peanut butter anymore is when I'm eating really healthy. I will.

I'll just give myself a spoonful of peanut butter.'m like there it is that's your treat fucking chill you don't need to eat a cake or whatever it was you were entertaining in your big fat brain are you a dying dog trying to take medication a spoonful of peanut butter just like playing video games it's so true though because that is what happens though if you're trying to you know you're like okay what's the thing that's the most like walk around the block okay if i walk around the block I can have a spoonful of peanut butter. And you go in and the serving size is a tablespoon. You know what that means.

And you're like, all right, tablespoon. And then you whip it around like you're making a cotton candy so the entire thing comes out like a Renaissance Fair turkey leg full of peanut butter. Yeah, it's like when you... That's a technicality teaspoon. yeah technicality teaspoon it's all on the spoon it wasn't a height it was a it was a spoon size it's my own business you put the spoon in and then stick it in the freezer for an hour and then just sort of cut the jar off and lick it. Listen, the rules to teaspoons,

as long as it fits on a teaspoon, that's the rule to that. I think so, too. Wow, only eight calories. If you balance it right, you can hold it with your whole hand. God, that's my autobiography. Pie on a teaspoon, man. The David Borey story.

Pie on a hot teaspoon oh yes oh man uh sean now that you know how a serpentine draft works what will the order of today's draft be uh well maggie it was your topic so i'm gonna let you go first oh uh and then david and then myself and then Steve Cartwheel. Hot corner. I'll take it. All right. Which means, Maggie, you have the first pick in the super powers all fantasy everything draft. And we will get to that pick right after this short break.

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It's the only podcast in the world ever, you bitch. This is it. Oh, dude. That felt really aggressive. That's all right. You motherfucker. I was right there. It's non-gendered.

Non-gendered. That reminded me. So earlier upstairs, the cat did something, and I was like, you bitch. And Laura's like, whoa. And I go, yeah, seriously. Whoa. Why? I haven't called.

I haven't said that word for real in. Since quarantine? I mean, yeah, since I saw. But yeah, it was just it was just crazy to hear. I was like, why did I say that? So I'm going to spend my morning getting back into Eminem's early stuff. And then you saw the cat doing something. OK, you joke about that.

It's someone who's listened to the Slim Shady LP for some reason in the last week? The whole thing's... I see why kids liked it. It's a cartoon. It's a cartoon! It's a cartoon. It's Tiny Toon Adventures.

I was in. That fucking album's nuts. I'm sorry. Anyways. Absolutely. Oh, so we have the order. And Maggie, that means it is your first pick. So your first

pick in the superpowers draft. You're on the clock. Okay. I am going to go with probably the best power, flying. Fuck. Obviously. Yeah. It's not even. It is the best one.

It's in bold at the top of my list it's flying right at the top baby it's just so far and away the best pick yeah like yeah anytime anytime anyone like you know though this would be like a question back in high school right or if you could have a superpower would it be like flying or this one or this one and like one of them was ridiculous and the other was like creepy and flying was like i just i don't know it seems so fucking cool yeah i mean just to be able to be like all right bro just take off you're there now when you're flying you wearing a cape or anything or what are you what are you flying just flying in the streets flying but it is not necessitated to have a cape or anything? Or what are you flying? Just flying in the streets? Flying, but it is not necessitated

to have a cape. My flying doesn't need the cape. Because who has time? Like, let's say I'm at a Trader Joe's and I need to fly somewhere. I got to run to my car, put my cape on. No.

Right. Yeah, you don't need, you shouldn't have any accessory for flying. It should just be like. Well, I'm going to fly in my baby blue sweatsuit quite a bit.

Well, I'm going to fly. I'm going to fly in some baby blue sweatsuit quite a bit well i'm gonna fly i'm gonna fly in some baby blue timbs that just seems like that would be hilarious baby blue timbs man i hope i have a kid real soon baby blue tim jordan there he is where did the cape come from it's not like once i assume superman it's annoying it's gotta be annoying but like it's not like people were wearing capes back then it's not like well obviously in the 50s yeah i think it just looks cool when you fly i think honestly i think when you fly a cape looks cool i feel like there's always no matter how small throughout history there's always been a contingent of people holding down capes yeah i think you're right you know even if it was only like i don't know vampires and i think pimps for a while i don't vampires pimps and musketeers, which was my third studio album.

Bernie Toppin and I linked up. Third studio album. Long wiki because of all the mixtapes. But yeah, the capes look cool, but they are not functional. Right. Like, you know, they're just not fun. We saw the Incredibles. That also said I do own a cape. See,'re just not fun. We saw The Incredibles. That also said, I do own a cape.

See? It just looks cool. That's it. You do have a cape? Solomon has one, and it has buttons. I don't even fucking... I saw it, and I didn't understand it. I don't know if I've been less surprised by anything ever than when you just said Solomon has a cape.

That's fair. Didn't he wear it on a stand-up appearance? He wore it on Two Dope Queens. Watch Solomon at Giorgio's episode of Two Dope Queens. That was a custom-made cape. I was there when he tried it on

the night before he went to New York. It was insane. What a victory for the entire group. You're not ready for a dude to go in a room and then come out with thigh-high boots and a cape on. Like, you're just not ready. No matter what you know is happening. Because he was like, the putter boss made me a custom cape. And I was like, yeah, of course.

It's 3 p.m. And then, yeah, when he put it on, you just was, I, like, you're like, you know what? You've seen all the parts come together. Like, I saw the boots come in the mail. And then he did it,, you just was, I, like, you're like, you know what? You've seen all the parts come together. Like, I saw the boots come in the mail, and then he did it, and I was like, what, like. You thought you were ready. Maggie. Have you ever seen the James Brown biopic?

Yeah. And, like, his mom, like, comes to the show, and then he's like, I don't need you for anything. And before she leaves, he's like, make sure everything's taken care of. And she just looks at him and she's like, you're so beautiful. That's how it felt. Solomon came out with that cape on. It was insane. Maggie, when do you wear your cape?

Just for funsies. Just for funsies? You're just like, I'm like having a cape day. Yeah. Just to wear my cape. Every so often I'm like, this day is good, but it could be super. Fuck yeah, Zing. Oh, that's sick.

Wait, so it's a tie around the neck? I don't know how many different types. How long is it? Not very long. It goes like just past my butt. It was part of a costume, and that's the only part of the costume that I wear. What was the costume? I had a gold lame cape as a child.

Sorry, what was the costume? He says that sometimes out of nowhere, by the way. We just so happen to be talking about capes right now. You know what? It was actually about two costumes. It was like day after Halloween. And it was in like a bin of like leftover costumes. So I got like, you know, doll parts.

And then I saw the cape laying by itself. And I was just like, I have to have this red cape. And it was like $2. Perfect. Oh, that's beautiful. You got some vampire teeth, a cape. I got vampire teeth, actually. Yeah.

Wow, I'm a creep. No, you're dink. I call it gothic. You're ready for anything I'm a creep. No, you're dank. I call it gothic. You're ready for anything. There we go. There we go. There we go. Yeah, you're prepared.

There we go. You never know when there's going to be a last-minute dinner invite, and it's like, you know, attire's casual, but you got to have vampire teeth. And you're like, that's no problem for me. That has never been a problem for me. It's Dracula casual. Yeah, yeah. Drac cash. Drac Cash.

Drac Cash. Anything you saw in that movie, The Lost Boys goes. But maybe, but not in Twilight goes, maybe not so much Bram Strokers. Flying. David, time for your first pick. Okay, my first pick. Oof.

It's hard because flight's off the board. So now it's sort of like, oh man, you know what I got to go with? Shapeshifting. Damn, man. I wanted that one. Like Shang Tsung and Mystique, baby. It's like, it just seems like now you can do anything. When you shapeshift, do you have to be like another living thing

or can you shapeshift like T2 and just do whatever? I mean, if it's up to me, obviously I want no limits. I want T2. No limits? So you want to be able to turn into a big gold tank? Yeah, yeah. I can just shapeshift into Mia X. So that comes in handy a lot.

If you could shape shift, do you think you would ever just like, I'm going to shape shift into Julia Roberts and I'm going to agree to do a movie and then I'm going to do that movie. And now I'm in the Julia Roberts movie. That's all I think about is committing people to strange things. I would rarely use it for personal gain. I would only ever use it to be like

yeah so uh well because here's the thing i don't need to use it for personal gain i can shape shift i'm gonna be all right don't worry about me i i know fucking magic dog like if you want dinner all of a sudden you're wolfgang puck walking into one of his own kitchens they're not gonna they're gonna tell him not to eat that cod get out of here you think i can't shape shift my way into a fucking bank loan yeah he goes on break i go into my man's office you're approved like it's good i'm gucci like yeah you gotta use that to help everybody you gotta pay that forward you have to all of a sudden fucking lebron james is on a

canadian football team you know yeah yeah i'm every judge when my friends go to court i love the visual of like oh so can i have a bank loan how about now and you just turn it to his boss give him a loan we're sorry we had no idea oh yeah I would do that shit all the time so many big mistake situations like Julia Ross

I would just set shit up all the time oh it'd be great I would turn into my enemies heroes and just like go shit on them you know what i mean like oh you don't want to sell me i i lost it i didn't have all right it's all right i couldn't i couldn't think of a thing all of a sudden i'm a professional skateboarder sean malto going up to sean like you're lousy at skateboarding and y'all will be and then i run off you'd break me oh my god if you didn't do sean malto and just showed up and be like laura's gonna marry me i also think it would be funny to just like just make weird people kiss

which is weird i know but like just like what's what if like jill scott and terry bradshaw started making out or something? I don't know how I would finesse that. Which one are you going to be? I was going to say there's a lot of convincing on both sides. So I don't know which one you're going to be. Yeah, it would be crazy. I bet you Terry Bradshaw would be much easier to convince to make out with Jill Scott.

So if you turned into Jill Scott, you'd be like, Terry, what's this? Terry Bradshaw's like 75. What's the scenario where that would happen? I said it like it was a very serious debate coming up. There's a clear winner in that situation. They both endorse the same Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate. And they're at a ball. I'm trying to think of scenarios where this might actually happen.

Oh, man. What you need to do is find another shape-shifting pal. Yeah. And then shape-shift into Mitch McConnell and Mike Pence and just go make out in front of the White House lawn. That's what I'm... See, Maggie understands mayhem yeah yeah i'm trying to fuck shit up i'm a chaotic good we'll do this like what if you saw a dmx kissing hank the third you know what i mean

who knows i would get my life all the way right with god yeah and then and then i'd have maggie mayhem called tmz now we're making money you're just like hey tmz i just saw a dmx and hank williams the third make it out on the corner of Fairfax and Sunset. Now we're all rich. That's what I'm saying. I fly my way there. Take a couple of them under my arm and be like, look at that shit. Look at that shit.

Put this on your network. Has anybody written a TV show about superhero paparazzi? No. It's so funny. That's, that's. I like that someone has superpowers and they use it to be like, gotcha. Yeah. This will be on page six tomorrow.

Zing zing. I want them all to have that voice too. Zing zing zing. The jig is up, Earl. You're going to be on the front page of every newspaper tomorrow. Oh, man. Oh, boy. oh boy sean it is time for your first pick uh it's tough because those are those are just ridiculously good i'm gonna pick uh teleportation all right that's a good one

yeah i think i mean it doesn't serve a ton of practical purposes but it's a very spur of the moment thing like i want to be in the ocean i'm at the ocean i mean you know i get would be that's so good all right all right yeah i just it would be you know you'd skip all the traveling you wouldn't have to do any of that you could just be where you wanted to be i want to be you know i want to be to be like in the Yukon territory for a couple minutes just to see what's up. And then, boom, I'm there. I want to go. I think also you could be in a bank vault.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you could. Yeah, dude, just like Nightcrawler. I could just get anywhere I wanted to be. So I could have, again, I wouldn't have to worry about the money because anything you're touching, you can teleport with. So I just hop in the vault, steal a little, the rich give to the poor you know i'd do good with my power what sound effect would it make when you teleported back no it'd be a it'd be a soldier boy

ringtone every time by the way can we just can we just for a second bring it down to a serious note? No. It took me a long time to realize, hey, guys, Kiss Me Through the Phone is a good song. I never heard that song. I might have to revisit it. I like it. I might have to visit it. I've never heard it.

You have heard it. It's not a bad song. That's what I meant. Okay. And Jason Weaver's in it. We got to support him because he's a smart guy. Oh, yeah, true. Yeah.

So, you know. Kiss me through the phone. John, you can teleport to a place where you've heard that in about an hour. I've never heard it. Dude, is this going to be like same old G where I'm going to hear it and be like, how the fuck did I never hear that song? No, it's not going to be like same old G. That was, yo,

I've rarely called a shot where I've been like, man, this is a song somebody would love. Yeah. But like that one was like, that was, that was great. Hand in glove. I listened to it so much still. I walked down the street and I was like, fuck, this is a good song.

This guy. Cause that was back when you, that's when you were living down here and you were working at ABC mouse and you come home from work and you'd be like i listen to same old g probably 15 times at work today nobody in glendale listened to same old g today except for me i guarantee it genuine's agent was like calling i'm like hey we don't know what's going on right now but i it might be on tiktok or something but there's like your streams are triples your streams are double digits genuine i'm gonna need you to sit down we're planning a worldwide tour for you right now man just based on these numbers little did they

know that he just had to play the alex theater in glendale and that would have covered all his bases yeah dude yeah teleporting man i'd get a lot of shit done if i could teleport and be a blast if i had a teleporting ability you know how many shows i would do in santa monica i'd be in ohai doing shows oh i'd be in bangladesh fuck it this has turned me into the biggest baby being quarantined because like even i've done a couple zoom shows and i'm like i can't imagine what it's going to be like when i have to if it ever happens again when i have to like go to a show i'll be furious and getting home forget about it that was the reason i stayed out all late half the time is because i'm like well fuck it i don't want to go anywhere i'm here i'm just gonna stay here and get plowed i took the bus to get out here there was no dude in the baby

blue jumpsuit on that bus but like what are the odds he's gonna be on one back probably pretty good i live right next to that halfway house down in selwood so i guarantee there's gonna be some shadies down there riding with me it's gonna be buck dude you're living by the bins dude the big goodwill i used to get off so the only bus that would run mad late is the 33 and it would drop us off down by the acropolis which isn't isn't a savory uh neighborhood or unsavory. Sorry, not savory. It's in an unsavory neighborhood. It's savory, too. They sell steak there.

They do sell steak. Yeah. But all these dudes, there was a halfway house. And I should know better because I'm like, they're in a halfway house. So they're trying. But I'm like, I get a vibe, though. Whenever I'd get off the bus, I'm like, man, I look like a mark right now. And I don't know.

So we had to walk down this dark probably eight blocks all together I was the only one that they all knew each other and I just sit there and be like I hope it's not tonight but it might be tonight and it never was so oh yeah no let's just want to go home man yeah that was the vibe I got but it was kind of sketchy

because I'm like I don't know think if they wanted what I got they could just have it this way you could teleport from like a lounge all the way back to Selma. Or you could teleport from the bus stop to where you were going to still take the bus. I'd still ride the bus. It's not bad.

Keep it real. Keep the bus as a pretty good superpower. Yeah. If it's just bus stop to home, that's pretty good. I keep my ear to the streets. I'm not skipping the bus ride ever. Just in case a dude shows up to fight a bus driver. You want to be there for that.

Teleport to the front of the bus and knock him out. Give him a hug and then to teleport over to Clackamas Town Center and drop him back off, dude. And then I drop him off. He's like, man, I didn't really want to fight. Thank you so much for bringing me here. I just wanted to be at the Clackamas Town Center all night. Changing lives. Changing lives. Teleportation. Great pick, dude. to fight thank you so much for bringing me here i just wanted to be at the clackamas town center all night changing lives teleportation great pick yeah thanks bud time for my first pick man those were like those were three bangers that went off the board pretty quick yeah there's still a banger

on there but it's a creepy banger and i'm not i don't know who's taking it but i know about the yeah there's a there's a creepy banger that i don't know who's gonna take i'll take it if i have to i'm going to take the ability to talk to and control animals fuck you that's what i was gonna take first and i didn't think anybody would take it i believe the term is animal husbandry animal husbandry which oddly enough you also wear a cape for so it's fine just working on a farm yeah i just i till the soil that's what i'm a soil tiller you can't hear the animals they're all telling me to till the soil that's all they're saying my superpower i had two goats now i have three goats yeah my superpower moderation how about that not living a life of excess i have an in-depth i have an in-depth knowledge

of corn smut that allows me to keep the crops uh thriving and prospering i want to get a farm just to act like i have this power when i have people come visit the farm whenever there's animals doing something like you see i told him do that you don't know you weren't here earlier but i told him i told told those goats to fuck i told all the pigs to roll around in the muck i did i do i run shit out here man king said we had a meeting this morning and i let everybody know if you don't be rolling around in that muck there will be hell to pay and look at them they listen to me they listen to my ass i control these animal bitches they don't want to catch hell they don't want to catch this

motherfucker they're trying to eat dinner tonight not sleep outside you know what i mean that's what happened to that duck who didn't quack all day all right uh they i animal control i just think it would be so fun to like roll up on people you know what i mean like somebody's talking shit and you're like all right and then like in your head you're like bees i need all of the bees i feel i feel like people would look at you and be like is he screaming bees in his head because his eyebrows are weird, right?

That's my question. Is it mental or do you have to say it? Cause it's, it's, it's not as fun if you have to say that'd be a gift and a curse. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm a, my mom,

my mom. Okay. Bees. Lady bugs. It takes a minute for them to come. So then you're just a dude who yelled that yeah like wait till these bees get here yeah no they're they're kind of far off it's africa's a long way the guy's like what bees bees they're not in season i gotta wake them up what's the

animal that you would want to commune with first? Man, I would like to be able to probably talk to a rhino and just be like, let me ride you around. And the rhino's like, yeah, man, sure. Like, I'm not really doing anything else. And then I'm just strolling up to, like, get togethers on rhinos, you know? Yeah. You're saving on gas. That's true. Right off the bat.

Nobody's going to give a rhino a ticket, so I don't have to pay for parking. True. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, get a hold of a rhino horn. You know, they have to pay for parking you know yeah yeah yeah get a hold of a rhino horn you know they're made of hair i don't know what i would ask i would talk to a whale and get him to tell me the ocean secrets yeah yeah what's really down there yeah what's happening

like you're you're in there you're fucking in there tell me what tell me what's in there man what's the gossip what's the way you talk people. The whole thing's a water cooler. There's got to be a lot of scuttlebutt in the ocean. The whole thing's a water cooler. I know you guys can talk. Dude, I'd get into like under the sea situations where like I'd convince everybody to play music, you know? That would be.

It's much hotter under the water. Blowfish swims by and let that blowfish blow and then i have i'm gonna see you know it would absolutely it would absolutely pop off exactly like that that would be nice if you could like your time you could just make the perfect timing for things yeah like if you went on a date and you could just have like all the squirrels and things like set up the picnic as you were putting things out like you put the bottle of wine out and a squirrel just comes up and uncorks the wine for you. And you're like, what? It's destiny.

Look at this. How cute would that be? The world wants us to fall in love. Oh my God. What are we supposed to do? I would have to convince a lot of my enemies to meet me at the zoo in most cities. You want to fight?

I'll see you at the San Diego Zoo. I'll see you there on Friday. Inside. Pay admission. Get inside. You got a you there on Friday. Inside. Pay admission. Get inside. You got a big. Sorry. No, just do the beach.

Oh, yeah. Come to the beach. And then be like, yeah, that's Nemo's mom getting on your plane. Yeah. What? We found her. Come fight me in at least three feet of surf. See what happens then.

You're trying to pitch a show and you're like instead of meeting in your office on the 50th floor could we just meet at forest park maybe would you be okay make sure if it goes well i just might have a little more influence at forest park say no to me and these elk yeah i would love to see that meeting at a starbucks and it's just like 15 bears standing outside like do you want to green light this or do you want this to be the revenant again I actually think it's an excellent fit to the paramount network

you just you tell that moose like hey go flip a quarter by that guy's car if he says no and just stand there and look at him like you're gonna beat the shit out of him you just flip it a quarter you sure you want to say no so yeah that's my first pick the ability to commune with and control the animals yeah that's a great pick uh i'm gonna take that and then my next pick is i'm gonna take the ability to multiply where i can make money oh shit where i'm like multiple man, where I could just like, and now you got to deal with like 15 Ians.

Is it like that movie Multiplicity, where one of them's like baby Ian adult, and then one's like tough guy Ian? Where they start like getting like different versions of me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is it just straight up you? I was thinking originally just straight up me. Okay, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. But I do like the version where there's like different versions of me. I think that might happen. If I let one, like, if I multiplied and I was like, all right, before you just go out and live your life, they would get into different shit, I bet. Because I have a lot of interests I don't have time for. Like, one of them would go learn French.

I've always been like, I'd like to learn French. And then, like, I could send, i'd like to learn french and then like i could send i'm like okay you ian just go get in great shape learn french learn piano i'll keep working we'll share the money and i'll send you on dates all right oh wow that goes on dates but here's what here's the thing yeah at some point you'd have to kill him yeah i would or don't you just don't they just come back in? Climb back in, yeah. But then that Ian is in great shape and he comes to me.

I'm sorry I went so dark with it. I didn't need to do that. That's all right. It's the prestige. I like it. I like that you are creating more versions of yourself in order to become a more well-rounded person. Exactly.

I'm trying to be more well-rounded. I'm saying, you just send one of them out to the Beaverton skate park with me. And then by the end of it, you can kick flip. And then that, that one comes back in your body and you're like, fuck, I can kick flip.

And now I learned how to kick flip. Oh, is that how it works? Let's say it is. Let's say it is. That's how it works in my mind. That's even better. Let's say it is.

You send one out that, like you said, send one out that learns French. And then, you know, you can even send one out that's a decent late night writer and then as soon as they get everything done and then it could come get back into your body and and uh you know really lost steve at the end there huh champ yeah i ripped his face off i thought it was nice i'll go get the ma i'll go get out

here torching people torching people i love it man. I love it, man. I love multiple. And, you know, you're rad, so I want more of you. I'd like to go to lunch with six of you. That'd be a loud lunch, I'll tell you that. I was just... Could you see it coming out of my mouth? I was just going to say... See everybody over there at table six?

It's getting real New York style. It's a New York style deli if i've ever seen one they've ordered another basket of fried pickles we're almost out of pickles what are we gonna do it would i'd start a choir of ians you know so it's just a bunch of harlem ians choir the harlem ians choir there'd be we'd have a baseball team it wouldn't be good but there'd be nine ians playing baseball oh i get that yeah man multiple multiple dojo i would absolutely start a dojo i'm thinking about starting a dojo i mike malloy sent us that video of that dude who's like

really nice with the size oh yeah the ninja turtle weapon yeah we gotta make a video i told sean dude when i'm up in Portland, all we have is time. We're going to go drive to Multnomah Falls, and we're going to videotape you doing nunchucks in front of Multnomah Falls or something. Well, dude, as soon as this started, one of the first things I did was I got an orange bandana,

and I cut eye holes in it, and I was like, I'm going to go outside. That's one of the first things you did. I'm going to be a vigilante. I want to make a video where I'm Michelangelo I'm nice with the chucks and I like pizza, surprise surprise I'm pretty much Michelangelo

you're going to be a vigilante with an orange bandana tied over you looking like that one dude from He-Man damn right try it on my block try it on my block unless that's your next superpower you have to pick your next superpower my next superpower is going to be the power to heal oh that's great if someone gets shot or if someone you know whatever someone gets hurt i can just walk up and i can heal them and i think

it's wow what a good person you are i thought you meant the power to heal yourself uh well i too i think it probably goes i i'm it's not what i'm picking i don't know if that goes to the territory or not but like i'm picking like um if you know like i think it's rogue and x-men who can do it like if someone gets shot no that's the opposite no well if they're not hurt it's the opposite oh yeah but if they're hurt then what she can do is like take it kind of like green mile style uh where he like takes it and it sucks for him for a minute but then he's when i get a chipotle every time green mile style yeah you know what i do if if i came upon someone who had been stabbed i'd walk up to him and i'd be like bees and then the bees do an emergency surgery on that dude when all you have is a hammer it looks like a nail you know i can't believe i never

thought about the animals doing surgery surgery bees oh shit this is taking a turn do you absorb their pain or does it just straight up like you're like I mean I think you absorb their pain but it's it doesn't kill you you just you know you take you take their pain for a minute and then it's gone but they're okay how thick are you trying to get

can you take a little pain like can you ease a burden yeah I think so if I can take it I don't know I've wanted to do that a lot lately for uh like my mom over the summer was a big one i was like fuck i wish i could like if they would have told me that i could just go break my arm with a hammer i would have done it if like she could have been all right so it's that thing where you're like man i'd love to just be able to help or like people if you're one of your friends, like he's been saving up for the last six

years to try to buy a house and he just scraped enough money together for a down payment and he finds the house of his dreams and he puts the down payment in the offer and then somebody comes in with a cash offer, $200,000 higher than the asking price for somebody just flexing on nobody. I told you I love the house. You didn't have to come in that higher i'm sorry man it was just the two of us it's i hate that this is the way you had to find out fuck well at least i still get to go there every now and then yeah you can come chill i'm letting yeah you can come chill me and sean bought it

well now why is that the funniest thing in the world Me and Sean bought it. Wait, you guys bought it? You're coming out? Well, now, why is that the funniest thing in the world? We're actually using it as a rental property, so nobody gets anything out there. It's a business. We're keeping our pogs there. Yeah, it was a business decision. Sean, would you be able to heal past hurts?

Like if someone was still hurting for not getting to go see B2k would you be able to make that let's leave it let's leave it we've had a lot of hugs he hasn't taken that shit away i don't need a superpower to heal that i need a south pole jumpsuit delivered to david's house is how i heal that it's not a superpower that's i got amazon just like everybody else ups driver at the door like bump, bump, bump. And then there's a box right there. Bump, bump, bump. This is South Pole. God, I wish South Pole was an animal so he could be like, South Pole!

South Pole! That's my next pick is to summon jumpsuits, dude. Summon sweatsuits. Healing. Great pick. Dan, it day time for your second pick oh boy you think i would have uh prepared to pick the obvious creepy one or was that still on the board for a while no i'm not i'm taking wait dang i like dancing around this

oh you know what i'm taking what like you know how beast is mad acrobatic yeah that yeah your power is just to be a the 1996 women's gymnastics team i want to be dominique yes yes i do i think it would be amazing i cannot think of a gymnast mary lou retton there we go i'm older than everybody i want to be simone biles there it is i i do that seems as crazy as flying. It's insane. Yeah. I don't even...

I didn't even... Watching X-Men, I always thought Beast or like Spider-Man, how he's just like... He's just jumping. That's just like doing acrobatics. Swift. It looks awesome too

like you know teleport nobody can see me teleport if you're out there doing dope shit everybody's like damn dude look at david doing dope shit they can see it it's a nice it's i do it all the time i do it in the grocery store oh yeah what's over in the freezer section i don't know let me let me parkour over there you just walk past the cereal i'm like perched up atop it like a vulture just eating kicks what's david doing up there keeping our cereal aisle safe yeah don't mind him he's perched like a gargoyle looking for evil he's doing that up there so magneto can't do what he wants to do here. All right.

Which is to steal all the Hot Wheels cars from the bottom of the boxes. Yeah. Magneto's out there, dude. Now, the reason Beast can't do this is because he's a blue furry guy. But you could. Would you join the Olympic team? Or would you like? No, I honestly, I'd be into more different shenanigans than that.

Yeah. You don't want to be a superhero with gold medals? No, because they earned it. I was, this is God given. No, I mean. Sound like Kobe Miles. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

Would you go be like the backup dancer for Jason Derulo tour just for like. For one season. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of fun stuff you could do with your power being a backup dancer on a world tour kind of sounds like great yeah just for a little bit just for a little bit you don't want that life all the time but like maybe i get involved with

the triads wait no absolutely who knows man man who wouldn't want to work with me I'm the most acrobatic man in the world you could walk out of the crowd and win the slam dunk contest and then disappear into obscurity yes exactly I would like race animals not mine you wouldn't bees

let's see how fast you are compared to my bees I just I'm digging this of you like in traffic nobody even knows someone doesn't even know it's coming because your windows are up but you're just looking at someone like eight cars ahead and you're like bees

bees bees bees bees snakes and bees I don't even think they're supposed to interact oh man the more I think about this power the more I definitely need an outfit that goes with it you know what I mean like oh yeah it needs to be like a like a

one of the tuxedos from the 1880s where it's like a long tuxedo jacket, like a vest. But maybe there are all different animal prints. Hear me out. I think it should be some sort of a swashbuckling pirate attire. Oh, that's good, too. That's good, too. Hear me out.

I think you should dress like Joe Exotic with the mullet, everything. So people are like, he got out of jail and he's up to 100 now. Oh, yeah. What did he learn? What did he learn in there? He learned their ways. He is the Tiger King.

And bees and snakes. Oh, my God. Oh, that's funny. Oh, my God. Oh, that's funny. Oh, my God. Acrobatics is the great pick. Maggie, it is time for your second and third picks. Okay. So I do two?

Yes, yes. You don't have to do them both. You can do one. We'll talk about it. Then you do another one. Okay, tight. So my first choice is uh freaky mind powers oh yeah okay you have to we have to run down what

this freaky mind shit like i can read minds i can suggest shit to you i can like okay you can get in there you're telekinetic you're like yeah like like xavier the cell pretty much yeah yeah i get up in there and do that shit i like that freaky mind shit david's like let's let's get more specific here freaky mind shit how freaky yeah we've all thought of a name of an album though during this recording absolutely yeah freaky mind shit the lost power works Now, when you're reading people's thoughts can you turn it on and off? because I was thinking about that and I guarantee I don't want to know what everyone's thinking

I guarantee it I don't need to know how many people want to fuck me I understand It's like I got things to do I can't be listening to these bitches talk about how good they think my dick would be I gotta go to work I'm trying to frost this cake I can't be listening to these bitches talk about how good they think my dick would be. I gotta go to work.

I'm trying to frost this cake, all right? My nephew's birthday. You can turn it off. You can turn it off. You can. Okay, great. Yeah, that'd be amazing. You could use it for petty purposes, too.

Yeah, a lot of these are everyday life. You'd be like, who'd you call a bitch? Bitch? I would use it. I'd be like behind somebody to drive through and then like I'd convince them to order just like, just give me like a small cup of milk and I'll pay whatever that costs. And they went there to get a full meal and then like I uncontrolled

them when they're like half a mile down the road and they're just like, I went to McDonald's and just got a small milk? What the fuck just happened? Well, I guess. Now that would be tight give me a cheeseburger and pour coke all over it and wrap it back up it's barcelona style you don't understand just give it to me they would be part of a one car pay it forward that they didn't realize leave leave my tab open i'll come back later tonight and we'll cash out we were i think i've told this before i can't remember exactly but

we were to mcdonald's one time and my friend mike just got behind the counter and filled up his own soda and uh they were looking at him they're like what the hell and he's like oh no it's cool they let us do this where i'm from and we're like what i just hopped behind the counter and refilled his own soda at a mcdonald's which isn't a huge deal but where is he from he's from sioux falls they don't let us do it where we're from this is not this is not true i think it was i've done it where i'm from he never had he was just being a little a little rap scallion is what he was doing oh mind control excellent pick what would your third pick be um the ability to go through solid things so i could go oh yeah yeah shadow cat like pride yeah yeah kitty pride that's a

that's a dank one so that's another one where like, whoever, whatever you're touching can go with you. Right. So like, if you're holding my hand, we can go through the walls together. Yeah.

Tight. We're getting into big faults. We're getting in there different ways, but we can both get in there. Yeah. I'll see you in the vault. Hell yeah. I'd have so much good art in my house.

I tried. I'm trying not to think all devious, but I'm like, yeah, dude, I would go there since quarantine. There are so many pairs of shoes that I want. I would have all of them.

Oh, my God. I'd have like there's the Mona Lisa. And then that's Quincy Jones's gold record for Thriller. And then like right on there underneath it is Sean Jordan's black belt. I went ahead and took that. He doesn't know. Oh, you broke into Kelly Jordan's house. Now we got to talk, my friend. Now we got to talk. That's we got to talk that one didn't even use my powers i just showed up and i

was like give me it or i'll call the bees there's just a like a million bees hovering in our front yard at my mom's house give me that black belt i know you got it i want to give it to me i know you got a big heart and i'll start making sparrows crash into your window. It'll make you really sad. Yeah, that would be God. If I had asked you to use the mind control on my mom to tell her the bowling balls wrapped in tinfoil on the front yard do not look good. I would have you do that.

Wait, wait, what? Wait, what? I was just thinking about, have I never told you guys that? No. No. You ever seen a weather ball? wait wait what what wait what i was just thinking about have i never told you guys that no no you ever seen a weather ball uh you know what a weather ball like uh they put them in front yards to like for for decoration it's like a clear glass ball kind of they can be colored yeah yeah so my mother got a bowling ball a real bowling ball from like a pawn shop didn't want it to look trashy so she wrapped it in tinfoil and then bejeweled it and then put it on the stand.

And I was like, you can't be serious. And I picked it up. It was for real a bowling ball wrapped in tinfoil on the front yard. How heavy was it? A bowling ball, like 14 pounds, dude. It was a fucking bowling ball. I was shocked. I could not believe it.

She's like, well, I just, just you know i didn't want to put a bowling ball and i'm like so you wrapped it in tinfoil no one was making her put a bowling ball in the front yard in the first place it wasn't a weather ball that she didn't want it to blow away and i was like oh my god there's so many layers here dude i mean she's thinking she's thinking she's definitely being creative yeah yeah she is that's outside the bun yeah was the tinfoil smoothed over the ball as smooth as it could be but it was it was it looked what you think it looked like okay you can't just make it look like you can't make it look like paint it's tinfoil like it's tinfoil for sure it's definitely tinfoil bro but there are jewels on the outside of it and then she

stuck little jewels on the outside like you would do say a pair of jeans before you went to the sioux falls fair something like that now you've you've you've returned to your mom's house drunk before that's that's definitely happened let's say you're a block away and you're into your cups a little bit does it look cool in that scenario or does it still are you just like that's a fucking bowling ball tinfoil on it or are you like endearing and charming it is yeah yeah absolutely where you're like all right it's eccentric i see where she's going but then the harsh light of day rears its ugly head and i go no that's a bowling ball wrapped in tinfoil is what it is man somebody had to make a fucking painting of a fruit basket for the first

time too some people thought they were crazy. They're like, you can't eat that fruit. What are you doing? True. Why would you paint a fruit basket? And, you know, now, like, fast forward to however many years later, you'll see that shit in museums, you know? Dog. Pioneer.

If you ask me. So when you see that on Pinterest, you go and apologize to your mom. Well, I'll apologize to my mom for sure. That's a Kelly Jordan original. It fucking better be. There better not be multiple people out there doing that. Wall walker. Wall walker.

Flying and wall walking are probably two of the worst powers to lose in the middle of it too, right? Yeah. Flying, you'd fall out of the sky. Wall walking, you'd be like just going to use your bathroom and then you'd slam into your TV. I would use it in my house all the time. I would maybe have a house with no doors in it. So like that would be my secret. Why is there carpet on the walls?

You'll see. Let's just hang out for a while. You'll see. Let's watch Labyrinth. I do everything David Bowie does in Labyrinth as it's happening. So yeah, you're going to know. Wall walking. David, you're going to know. Wow, that's... David, time for your third pick.

My third pick is going to be Super Speed. That's a damn good one. That would just be fun, man. It would be so much fun. How fast are you talking? Like the Flash or are you talking like crazy stupid...

Sorry, the Flash like crazy stupid speed or are you talking like 100 miles stupid like uh or not sorry the flashlight crazy stupid speed are you talking like 100 miles an hour or something talking to flash baby yeah man all right yeah i'm with those two picks you're getting on like sec football team's radar you know what i mean until you hear my next pick bangs dude let's just say let's just say georgia state has reached out mailbox is full of letters right now what would you use your well yeah go ahead baggy oh um is your super speed such that you just are fast through everything or is it that like everyone else slows down and you can just strut through, but you're fast compared to everybody else.

Yeah. The second one, everybody else slows down and I'm just like doing my normal to you. So you can be like super fast and be like, look, give me that. Give me that ice cream cone. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They're just not like, yeah, everything's slowed to me. So, and then I'm just like, that's a great, that would be to go back to your, uh, Oh, I So and then I'm just like. That's a great.

That would be to go back to your. Oh, I don't know when you said it. I guess you've said it on this one, too. But you've brought up you wanted like strange, like people who wouldn't kiss to kiss. You could just do that. I said that 20 minutes ago. But you've said it before, too. Like, I remember one time you said really with a billion dollars you said something like you'd go

to the bus stop and pay tough guys to kiss you remember that you would just see how much money it takes to like you want to kiss that dude for a million bucks and if they said no it'd be like all right two million you're gonna kiss that guy but it needs to be tender if you were that fast you could just like go to a trump rally and then position every single like every person to be tender if you were that fast you could just like go to a Trump rally and then position every single like every person to be making out with someone they don't want to make out with and it'd be the best I'd stiff them cause fuck that

if I had super speed I would get a set of drums dude cause you could just wail on the drums oh you'd be like Animal from the Muppets yeah you'd have to get super drums like that you know, you'd be like Animal from the Muppets. Yeah. What that would look like to other people to feel like... You'd have to get super drums. Like that, you know? Yo, you could be in Rush. You could be in Rush. They're looking for a new drummer, dude.

Neil Peart. Do you run so fast that you can run? Oh, no, go ahead. No, I think we might be on the same page. Were you going to say underwater? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I think that maybe I could... Even on top, maybe. Yeah, either or. Yeah. I think that maybe I can. Maybe. Yeah, either or.

I don't know the rules because underwater there's the pressure. Like on the ocean floor. But I mean, you know, if you could hold your breath for like a minute or whatever, you could still cover a lot of ground if you were that fast, I think underwater. But there is pressure. If you're running on the bottom of the ocean, it would crush you. That's the problem. In certain parts parts captain buzzkill over here such a serious lieutenant buzzkill respect the office i hate to i hate to be serious for a second but if you're on the bottom of the ocean it'd crush you so pull your head out of your ass with your next. You'd die.

You'd die. You'd be like a can of Diet Coke at a frat house. You'd be flat. You fucking idiot. I can't tell them to get a Diet Coke. Fucking idiot. Somebody's spitting into it. We're the frat that doesn't like beer.

We love aspartame. We hate beer. Want a booze? Go to Delta Chi. Get the hell out of here. Sean, time for your third pick. For my third pick, I would like Power Over the Elements.

Oh, Storm. Storm, dude. I think, and i'd be using this for good too like on a rainy day everyone's bummed they can't have a barbecue and i was like who says we can't have a barbecue perfect sunny day i could make and then they're like no dude it's because it's tuesday i gotta work dude it sucks i'm fucking beautiful out on my fucking work day. And I was bummed about having a barbecue. Well, David, you don't have to work at the orphanage if it's wrecked by a tornado. Yes, I do. I commit it to those kids.

Not if they're all swept away by a tidal wave. And then before I know it, I'm like, fuck, what did I do? I just want to have a barbecue. Man, that sounds... What if everyone's frozen? You're just a really good... You just wanted to have a barbecue. Man, that sounds... What if everyone's frozen? You were just a really good intentioned children's book. You did!

That would be a good children's book. Care for what you wish for. You become a super villain on accident because you're just a really good intentioned dude who uses his powers right. Oh, you guys have never had a 90 degree day in Alaska and then everything just melts immediately and all the villages

flood wow another snow day in California someone must not want to go to work I could be in every rock video it'd be fun I'd be like no you don't need to make all I'll just make all that happen you want a volcano exploding oh you mean like November rain you'd be the guy like'd be like, no, you don't need to make all that. I'll just make all that happen. You want a volcano exploding? Oh, you mean like November rain? You'd be the guy

doing the wind while he slashes? How much do you want, Axel? Exactly. He's like a special effects coordinator. That's what he has for his powers. Now, Axel, you promised me I get to go to the Grammys with you. You promised. I'll be expecting a seat

at the Grammys if I make this video head. Is it your powers to be below the line of a grip? Little Wayne wants a tornado siren. Little Wayne gets a tornado siren from a tornado. We can just do the siren. No, it's going to be fake. He's a real ass dude. Look, Wayne keeps it real.

God, I'm sorry. We had to stop production for that. We wanted when he says i guess that's why they call it window pain we wanted to have rain on the window and we just can't make it happen we had to fly sean in from portland yeah i want david's favorite rap lyric of all time to have some meaning so yeah it's real rain it's not my favorite rap lyric that's david's favorite rap it's my second favorite rap. I guess that's why they call a window pane. My first is she got a big booty. So I call her big booty. Those are the two.

Those are the big two. Yeah. Control over the elements. I think it'd be awesome. Great. Time for my third pick and my fourth pick as it is a serpentine draft. And with my third pick, I'm going to take time travel.

Damn it. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's good. I can just bounce back and forth between different times and like i love this i love this and i've asked you before but where where are you going first man i like it's so tempting to go back and kill hitler you know like you at least got to tell people that even if that's not true you know and you just go back and you're like, just,

I'm just going to be there for him. Like I'm going to go back for a long time. I'm going to go back for 20 years and I'm going to mentor this gentleman. Even if the real answer is like, you know what? I never saw Prince. I never went to see Prince. And there were a couple of times when I could,

so I'm going to get tickets to when Prince did those shows at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland. And the tickets sold out like that. And I'm just going to go get a moderate seat. And I'm just going to go hang out there. But you can also see Prince like at the Guardian or some shit. I know, but I'm lame in this scenario. I'm not asking for much. It would be sick because you'd never miss anything.

You'd go to something, it'd never miss anything you could like you'd go to something it'd pass you'd be like alright I'm gonna travel back and then go to that other barbecue all day

and then I'm gonna you know yeah I just I got barbecues on the mind you're a barbecue well it's summertime

when a young boy's mind turns to barbecues another children's book whatever barbecue brains if you had the ability to go back in time and you're watching like movies and stuff like that would you just do the 10 seconds back or would you physically go back to go hear it what you missed oh i see what you're saying like if i'm on netflix and i'm like wait wait wait what you could back it up or you could run back in time

and see it i bet i would because i could because I wouldn't have to reach for the PlayStation controller if I just used my power. I would get so lazy. I'd just be like, let's go back. Let's go back in seconds. Let's go back. It would probably honestly fuck you up. A, you'd be so nervous to change anything. Because it would inevitably happen the first couple times you'd go back and like something you

do something and then all of a sudden like you'd come back and everyone's speaking like portuguese instead you know what i mean the butterfly effect exists in your in your scenario so then you'd have to it has to you know what i mean if you go back so i think you'd have to like you become very careful i think and it might drive you crazy is the only thing about it. I would. Damn. I'd be like, you miss your sister's wedding. And I'd be like, I'll go later.

I'm sitting down right now. Leave me alone. Maybe it is. Maybe the ability to always go back and see things would like freeze you into like a paralysis of being lazy where you're like, I'll just do it later. There's always later. There's always later. Interesting.

Maybe I've just cursed myself. Damn. I think the only one way to find out. Be. I love it. So that's my, that's my fourth pick is time travel damn super speeds off the table um i gotta take it it's on the board i will now take invisibility there you go take invisibility i'm not gonna use it for any creepy stuff all right i'm not gonna i just want to get out ahead of it i'm not gonna use it for any creepy stuff but i but i will use it for other crimes i never wanted to even as a kid you know i'm like well no what am i gonna i'm gonna go watch somebody naked when they don't know someone's

watching them naked that's not even take take the creepiness out that's like the grossest i'm gonna go watch someone poop or something i don't know it's like wouldn't you go into a locker room and you're like yeah people are like shitting and like putting on deodorant. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? There's a lot of shitting in locker rooms. I'll tell you that right now. You could use it for good. Like you could go to like UN meetings.

And when they said something stupid, just start blinking the lights on and off. So they know that that's not the business. And they're like, oh, never mind. Never mind. Yeah, exactly. You could use it for that stuff. You could be a ghost. We should shoot 24% more black people.

You just punch him in the face. And he's like, how did that happen? God. That would be, you could drive somebody crazy. That would be like, you could just take an evil person and drive them nuts. Like punch him in the face. How did that happen? You're like, I punched you and there's nobody there and you're like what

the fuck they're hearing voices they're getting hit by a ghost yeah yeah i would want it too so my clothes didn't turn invisible like just walking around like that is a nice three-piece suit walking around the store i learned how to do like fred astaire-esque tap dances and stuff so then you just see like a tux and tails tap dancing down like Hawthorne Boulevard. There goes Ian Carmel. You know, I'd go to a bunch of weird parties. I wasn't invited to. Absolutely.

Just to just like see what's going on. Yeah. Someone eating lunch, like on a having brunch by themselves or something. And you just walk up and whisper like everybody knows what and then their deepest darkest secret they're like no that had to have been a ghost that said that yeah i'm glad i got this so not you ruining brunches for no reason they're already bummed because they're alone at brunch. I go into studio sessions and say shit into the mic. I'd like to add ad-libs to

songs that didn't have them. Oh, yeah. Every rap song ever, you just go scream, Tick-Hell. Oh, no. I'd throw the Gucci Burr on everything. This whole new Young Thug album has boyoyoyoyoy on every track.

It's weird. I would just wear a powder blue tracksuit and go sit on a bus and raise everybody's anxiety. They were like, we usually know what happens, but seriously, what the fuck is going to happen now? Just stand up and stretch. That tracksuit's floating. Just so they know. That floating tracksuit's gonna beat up the bus driver.

Floating tracksuit's another good album name. We got a lot. Sean, let's talk about your fourth pick. Oh, shit. For some reason, I lot sean let's start with your fourth pick oh shit uh for some reason i thought david was up my fourth pick uh i'm gonna pick breathe underwater all right okay i wanna you know i've always wanted to be able to just go exist under the water i mean it'd be you know in this case the pressure is the pressure still killing me well you only picked breathe underwater so it's kind of live live live underwater

can i can i can i amend my pick i don't want to breathe in two inches i don't understand the amendment i want i want to be able to picture you just swimming the way like you swim now but you can just stay under forever so it's like you just want to scuba dive i want to be able to picture you just swimming the way like you swim now, but you can just stay under forever. So it's like scuba dive. I want to do what Aquaman can do. Okay. Aquaman underwater. We'll give you Aquaman powers.

Yeah. Well, I can't have all of them because he's got a bunch of powers. I want the one that involves. Yeah. Yeah. Can't do that. I want the one that involves being and living and being able to be

underwater and do whatever I want in the water. Also the fast swimming? Yeah. Okay. I don't need that. You don't need it? What are you talking about? You just get in the water? You're not... What are you talking... You just want to not have to come up for air?

You're talking about stupid dialogue. I want to be able to see and I want to be able to breathe and I want to be able to go anywhere I want under the water. But I don't need to do it in like a crazy timely fashion because I could just sleep down there. He just wants to have a bitchin' time in San Diego. Yeah, I just want to go. He wants to go to the beach and really take it to another level.

Really, really have a good day. I'll see you guys tomorrow when I walk into the water and then I just come out tomorrow. And you're like, oh, he was serious. What did you see down there? I got about two miles in. saw a bunch of coral some cool animals it was fun it was very fun sean prefers not to use the bridge actually i'll see you at the other side of the golden gate by way of the water and i'm just gonna walk it's a nice little stroll for me because i can do it and i'm bringing this peanut butter sandwich with me. Oh, that's when you eat them. Okay. I eat them underwater.

That makes sense. That's why it doesn't make sense to us yet. Okay. Yeah. You're breathing underwater. I've always just wanted to be able to go underwater and explore. I think there's things at the bottom of the ocean that would just blow our minds. If I could see and breathe and hang out, it'd be rad.

Those animals down there are crazy looking. Weird. Yeah. Well, they glow and they're electric. i need to see what's up with that i'm gonna go down there and figure it out for the world all right yeah yeah yeah that's what i'm gonna do all right make a name for myself god damn it you get there a lot faster if you could swim quickly but for some reason i feel like that's a snake move i feel like that's a snake move because it's kind of david already took it I feel like it's like, you know, the flash.

Like, I mean, Aquaman can do that, but Aquaman has like, he can do like 10 things and I can't pick them all. I can't just swim like a dolphin though. I'll take a dolphin. All right. Well, let's meet in the middle. I'll take a dolphin. I'll swim like a dolphin.

All right. I can do what dolphins do. All right. Good. Sold to the man who picked dolphins. David, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick is gonna be a shrinking

shrieking that'd be well just size control size control how about that shrinking i thought you said shrieking i'm like you could just yell all right yeah he got it there are you can tell when they started to run out of superpowers but they're like we need more x-men so we're gonna make some of these powers not that dank we'll talk about them after all this some of these are gonna really blow and just be things that normal people can do this guy can make anything taste like mint this guy can fly and his hair never gets messed up. It just stays.

This guy has super speed, but only if that game skip it. Yeah. Very impressive, but we don't know what to do with it yet. This guy knows when he's within five miles of a hippo. He can't do anything with it, but he just innately knows.

Whoa, there's a hippo five miles that way. I'll tell you that right now. Where's the zoo? Somewhere in this radius. This guy can recite every line of every episode of 21 Jump Street. Not the movies. Not the movies. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Neva. Shrinking. What would you use it for? You know, what wouldn't I use it for? That's a good point. I just get all little and get into stuff. Sneak into baseball games in a box of Cracker Jacks. Yeah, whatever, man.

Go to the locker room, see what's going on. You can go anywhere. A lot of shitting in deodorant. We already covered that. I mean, you can go anywhere a lot of shitting and deodorant we already covered that you can go anywhere I'd go into the White House see what they're talking about I'll tell you that

you can climb on people's shoulders and just whisper stuff into their ear sweet nothings or sweet somethings sweet all kinds of things anywhere in between really yeah you're a sweet somethings guy. Thank you, Sean. There's two kinds of people in the world.

Sweet somethings and sweet nothings. That's actually Bloods and Crips. So pick a side. There's two kinds of people in the world. The Hasidic Jews and the ones who are a little more casual about it. Also, can I also get really big? That's what I'm thinking. I say yes.

I wanted Ant-Man powers. I said shrinking, but I want Ant-Man. Size control. Size control. Also, yeah. Also, I think it would be fun to be like, like for a while, like I could play basketball at seven foot recreationally. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Just walk in a 24-hour fitness and just start like fucking. One through five. I could do anything. I could do anything. You can walk all five positions. recreationally yeah yeah you know what i mean a 24-hour fitness and just start like one through five i can do anything i can do anything what all my positions yeah what do you want me to play what do you want me to play oh i'm sorry it's the fourth of july and they need someone to slow dance with the statue of liberty i guess who they're gonna call what song do you slow dance to with the Statue of Liberty? Oh, man.

I want something nasty. Yeah, it does. It's got to be fucking sexual. Yeah. It's got to be like. What was the name of that Jagged Edge album? By the way, off topic, but you said it the last time we recorded. Jagged Little Thrill?

Jagged Little Thrill. This is every text Sean sends me, by the way, guys. What's the name of that jagged edge out? Jagged little thrill. Four o'clock in the morning. I know I can Google it, but I miss you. What's the name of it? Six phone calls in a row.

You're like, Jesus, everything. Hey, man, what's up? Who died? Who was the tallest member of Jodeci? I can't... I'm on the Wikipedia, and this doesn't seem right. I thought I run it by you first. Yeah.

The fan site says JoJo's the tallest, but I think there's on some bullshit. Yeah. I think you danced to to freak me by another level with the statue of liberty okay sure yeah or silk silk that's yeah are you like man you're like let me lick you up till you say stop stop yeah let me play with your body, baby. Make you real hot. Go for it, Sean Jordan. Let me do all the things you need me to do. Hit him with it.

Cause tonight, baby, I want to get freaky with you. Yes, sir. Yes, mom. I'm eight. We're in the car together. This is on the radio on 97.3 KPAT. Take me to second grade. It's the morning.

That song. That song had no business being on the radio. My version of that was, would he go down on you in a theater? Yeah. I've said it many times. My version of that was that Romeo and Juliet song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot sex on the

bladder just to get you wet I don't even oh my mother was in the car I'm saying dude so many times that also is that scene in Lost Boys where the saxophone players all greased up and fucking gnarly looking and I'd be saying God knows what my mom would like shush me

so she could look at that guy and I look back I'm like what are you doing shushing me so you can look at this dude that And I look back, I'm like, what are you doing? Shushing me so you can look at this dude that you want. I'm just glad I get hers. Well, yeah, not when I'm around. All right. That's why you're around. She got it once right here. She got it once. Jesus.

Maggie, time for your fourth and then your final pick. Maggie time for your fourth and then your final pick so the fourth one is super strength yeah damn it I was hoping I was gonna get it who do you have in mind I was trying to think of who has the super strength you're just saying like all around you just want to be tough as hell

just strong as fuck. Not like slightly stronger like pick up a car. Like pick up a house or something. Like throw one of those CrossFit tires at somebody. That kind of situation. Please do.

And I don't want to have muscles. I want to be like regular my same look in person and so they don't want to have muscles. I want to be like regular my same look in person. And so they don't expect it and I just start throwing crips. Like Hancock. Yeah. That'd be amazing.

God, that would be so tight if you could just I got the couch and you just pick it up and it's nothing. It's no big deal. It's like picking up a Jolly Rancher. Everybody move. Let's see how much you can put on my back that would be just doing push-ups with like a whole elementary school on your back fucking whole house up i tear stuff in half that like nobody had ever seen torn in half before you know just like a lincoln

i'll tear somebody's apartment in half before you know just like a lincoln i'll tear somebody's apartment in half you guys can't handle living in the same room guess what now it's a split level how that would be tight plus you could do that thing like that the hulk does where you're like if you have to go you can just jump somewhere super far away because you're so strong that you're just like all right peace my leg yeah you gotta say that though every time because you're fun strong boing boing yeah Because I'm already like stronger than I look. Like I can pick up every one of my friends.

I can pick up everybody in this podcast. Like I've picked up people. That's a bold statement that's never been pronounced on me. If anyone could do it. If anyone could do it. I'm excited. I have picked up people bigger than both of y'all. So I think it would be a nice party trick.

What? That's already be a nice party trick what i could work that's a fucking i'll have a party for that that'll be the party somebody picked me up at one of our live shows he was this gigantic canadian dude and i just started giggling i hadn't been picked up in decades i was right there it was crazy i was like it felt so liberating like yeah he was he was like a lumberjack looking dude. It was dank. Super straight. That's a great pick.

And your final pick. Oh, no. Okay. I had one and I forgot it. Let's say final pick is, you know, I'm just kick ass and dope and everyone agrees. You know? You're just like Matt, like super charisma. Just like everyone loves you. Yeah.

I love that charisma. Yeah. You got that Bill Murray shit. Yeah, that would be. Yeah. Everyone knows no Maggie. Do I know Maggie? Yeah.

You ever been to a water park with Maggie? Have I? You ever been to the mall with Maggie? I'll tell you that. I went snowshoeing with Maggie once. I don't even like snowshoeing. I have time in my life. I've never been again. I've never been again, but I love it.

We went big game hunting once. Ethically, I was opposed, but it was still as good a time as you could have doing that. It's fucking amazing. That's almost like the greatest superpower of all, because, like, listen, if you're flying, a supervillain can still be like, shoot the missile and, like, knock you out of the air. like, listen, if you're flying, a supervillain can still be like,

shoot the missile and, like, knock you out of the air. But, like, if you're flying and you have super charisma, like, shoot the missile. And the guy's like, no. What? I refuse. To Maggie? Absolutely not.

No. Absolutely not. No. You gotta say, like, Maggie. Help my sister get birth in a taxi. I'm not gonna. No. She means so much to this family.

Kidding me? No. I'm not doing that while I have one of her kidneys in my body. Yeah. She single-handedly she painted the fucking carousel at the theme park and now it's become the center of the town again. It is. Yeah, she brought this town

back to life. After what she did for the people of Kiowa, Kansas? No. I'm sorry, that church choir is the only thing keeping my grandma going, and it wouldn't exist if it weren't for Maggie. I'm absolutely not going to launch that missile. In fact, I'm going to fight you. You finally

got my cousin into rehab? Yeah, no, I'm fighting you. No, not today. What do you mean? Why am I whitewashing this fence? Maggie was here. Yeah. It's a game, you idiot.

It's fun. Oh, fuck, that's funny. That's such a great pick. David, time for your final pick. My final pick is going to be so this was weird there was this x-men character called forge who could build anything oh like if you just thought about it he could build it like anything and i would take that yeah yeah was it would it be quick or he'd be like give me an hour and then he'd like yeah yeah

i mean it would take some time. He built this whole weird hideout and then him and Storm fell in love. He could just build anything. He's just a good dad. Native American. He's a good father. He's a good dad. Let me fix that little

shaky table. That bridge of trust was the best building he ever built i built this catcher's mitt what do you say we go have a throw i also built a baseball diamond over there let's let's go have fun father son built a grill we can grill up some dogs built a a grill. Barbecue's on my grain. That would be fun. And also, like, a lot of these powers are, like, mostly useful in an emergency.

That one is, like, 24-7. It's like you're coming in handy. I wouldn't buy anything. I'd make everything I own. Yeah. You just have to buy food. That way they can't track you. Yeah, you're off the grid, bro.

I get it. You can build your compound. Yeah, dude. you yeah you're off the grid bro i get it you can build your compound yeah dude i fucking i built the generator that supplies the electricity to this fucking wherever i'm living off the grid i'm not gonna tell you this fucking wherever i'm living you could build a 3d printer and then get that 3d printer to do stuff for you that's how you get a hundred wishes out of a genie done done exactly brilliant now you make money while you're asleep. Now I'm just wishing for more wishes.

You know what I mean? I'm printing money. This is also the one skill where it's like if you really put your mind to it, you can learn. Yeah. Well, you know. Sean, time for your final pick. I'm going to pick the Jedi mind trick. Oh.

I want the Jedi mind trick. And it's really just for kind of self it just for fun more than anything you know like you there are not too many people in this bar that kind of thing like these are the true does mind control already cover this that's my one question oh oh yeah oh yeah it does i didn't even think i i was so excited to say mind jedi mind tricks because they're uh a gnarly rap group. All right. There's a couple really good ones on.

I'll amend it. I would like the power to influence people's moods. I feel like that goes with mind shit too. I think it does. Hold on. I want to be a cat. Hold on. Alright, I want to be a cat.

Hold on. Okay, here we go. Camouflage. I want to be able to camouflage myself. Is that not the same as invisibility? No. Is it? I guess if you're like, I'm going to take the... It's kind of the same.

Now I look like this wall. You're not invisible necessarily it's the same as being invisible uh son of a gun no because chameleon is able to be every different like thing i want to be a chameleoner okay yeah you want to be a venture capitalist that i can get by all, how about this? See the future? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, you see the whole future? I can just see the future. I can see, I can just read, I can read the future. How about that? I can read people. I can, I can, yeah, I can see the future future that's got to be a superpower that's a superpower yeah I can pick I can see well you can see the future you know what's gonna happen oh I didn't even think can you go forward in time fuck yeah dude come on time travel I didn't even think of that I was all I think about

what time travel is backwards it counts let's See you in the future. See you in the future. That's grabbing its cross. I had a couple super weird ones on there, but I didn't want to take. I'm going to talk about them afterwards, and they're really pointless. I blew it on my last pick. I'll say it. Yeah, well, I just did. You just heard me. So, see the future is my last pick.

Nothing to see here, as it is the past. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! nothing to nothing to see here as it is the past you guys are sweating not me i'm not sweating at all everybody else is sweating it's definitely not me i'm having a good draft actually my shirt's dry all right uh see the future i'll go to my last pick and uh with my last pick man i think i'm gonna go with no you can't take that one there uh there's one that's such a like there's one that's such a than i thought it did at the end like it got harder than i thought it was going to there's one that's like such a cheat that i don't want to take it i'm gonna take one where it's like i can enhance all my senses okay like wolverine like kind of like wolverine kind of like daredevil like i can hear crazy far off if i have

to i can see crazy far off i can taste you know i can really appreciate i can really appreciate an orange you know what i mean now that's a deli mustard I can feel you know what I mean just like better than anyone else you can do this you just gotta do ecstasy I've heard that's exactly what it is always on Molly always

the super power of rolling rolling rolling rolling I was gonna say you gotta start pinwheeling, man. You'll be doing this. Pinwheeling is the thirstiest power. You'll be doing this by two o'clock. So I'd just be able to like, they're like, all right.

Like when we were in Vegas and we had gone to the, I think it was Kanye or I forget. It was either the Kanye or the Jay-Z concert. And then we walked by that Future concert and a couple of us peeled off. It was Jay-Z. This was Jay-Z. And we were like, let's go see future and they were like all right he's got like three songs left but it's still 75 dollars you know and we were like obviously we're not gonna pay for that and then i would just be like oh no thank

you and then i would just stand there just hear it and hear it man and like i'd be like sir do you have superpowers i'd be like no was i not there i think you were we were all pretty gone i think it was the jay-z yeah it's all like because i wasn't there i had to go i had to go crash uh i think if they didn't let you in i think you probably just bees and then you'd get in you know yeah there's a lot of ways into that concert but you'd be able to see far off here you know what i mean like all your senses would be super enhanced so that's my final pick the final pick of the draft uh that that wraps it up maggie you went first you took flying mind control wall walking super strength and charm

david you went second you took shape shifting acrobatics, super speed, shrinking, and super building. Sean, you went third. You took teleportation. That's so faulty. Sounds like a bunch of five-year-olds got together and had lunch. Super building. And he super builds. Super build.

And he can super build, and his arms turn to swords. Sean, you went third. and his homesteads to swords. Sean, you went third. You took teleportation, healing, mastery of the elements, breathing underwater, and the premonitions of the future.

I went last and I took animal control, the ability to multiply myself, time travel, invisibility, and super enhanced senses. We didn't leave a ton on the board. May I draft one? Yeah, oh yeah. Marissa wants to take one. Please. We left some. May I draft one? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Marissa wants to take one. Please. I'd want to be able to speak any language. Oh, shit. That's a good one. That's really good. Damn. That is good. What would be your first choice if you had to pick a language, Marissa?

I don't know. I just want to be able to understand anything so I could hear when people are possibly shit talking me yeah when you go to like big elevator stuff in LA I live in Chinatown and I'm half Chinese and I like went to Chinese school for 10 years but I never really fully picked up on it but I could kind of tell when like people are talking about me or speaking about me when like I'm at the hair salon or at a restaurant so I just want to be able to hear what they're saying and I'll tell you what they're saying oh my god that that woman over there is lovely i bet you she's an amazing person and a perfect

producer and she brightens every room that she enters and everybody loves her i think it's probably god is that beat saber champion marissa melnick i bet it is that's another common thing yeah also they're like where's all the hot mustard we're talking about regular stuff too it's not always about you that's a great that's a fucking great pick i would wish i would have taken that instead of my last one that's awesome yeah me too my last one i blew it the the one i almost took and then decided was bullshit was that like the ability to absorb other people's powers which does exist in comic books it is in comic books but it's i don't know it feels like a cheat to me where it's like all of a sudden i'm superman too like it had a tail

i had so many i blew it so bad i had fire control fire that's me i got it with the elements oh yeah shit never mind fire is an element all right x-ray vision see that's the one where i'm like what why though what am i what are we doing why you could have seen the future concert Nevermind. Fire's an element. All right. X-ray vision. See, that's the one where I'm like, what? Why though? What am I? What are we doing? Why? You could have seen the future concert.

Necromancy. Necromancy is a good one. I had necromancy where I'm like, but again, what am I? What am I? I don't know. You're doing the thriller video. That's what you're doing, dude. Come on.

Let's be honest about it. That's the first day. That's the first day. That's again, I'm just bringing Tupac. Like, let me get another album, man. You're not done. Get up. Let the man rest.

He recorded so many songs. You could just go find him in Cuba. Yeah. There it is. Yeah, your swimming skill actually gets you there. The Dominican Republic. But who knows? He's been in Sioux Falls for a while I see him

quite a bit wearing a blue jumpsuit riding the bus forever the blue jumpsuit bus to heaven we want to hear your picks hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit shout out to everyone on the all fantasy

everything patreon and the thank you so much for holding us down. We truly love and appreciate you sincerely. Please keep generosity in your hearts right now if you possibly can spare it. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out, big shout outs, to

the multilingual super producer Marissa Melnick on the ones and twos, the unos and the doses. You know? Shout out to what else? Shout out to fucking, I don't know, shout out to you eating a hot dog at some point. Sean is certainly thinking about barbecues. Shout out to fucking, man. That was good enough. Shout out to fucking. Shout out to Frankie Ocean.

Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shikrakity! That was a HateGum Podcast.