All Fantasy Everything - Tattoos We'd Get If We Had to Get Tattoos (w/ Zak Toscani, David Gborie, & Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: November 19, 2020

Sean, David and Ian welcome back Hall of Famer Zak Toscani to draft tattoos they'd get if they had to get tattoos. Tats all, folks! Look, I know it isn't a great intro, but it's been a long week and I'm tired. The podcast itself is good, I promise. Okay, I love you. Now TAT'S all. Better the second time? No? Fine. Shaclackity.Episode Guest:Zak Toscani @zaktoscani IG: @zaktoscaniSPONSORS:DoorDash: Get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order, when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code ALLFANTASY.Feals: Become a member and get 50% off your first order with free shipping at feals.com/allfantasy.BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/allfantasy.Support the Show:Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some merch at teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture, from breakfast foods to MTV TV shows and everything in between. On this episode, we welcome our guest comedian and just all around goddamn good guy, Zach Toscani.

And he'll be with us to draft tattoos we get if we'd have to get tattoos. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me as always are Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get to the episode. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that had an asthma attack this week, and I didn't tell you guys about it. What? You have... Oh, man, I didn't know you was no nerd.

Yeah, I'm a nerd, dude. I also beat dana at trivial pursuit count them up twice in a row two out of three took it like that but uh yeah that's one of the symptoms i hadn't it's being great at trivial pursuit is one of the symptoms absolutely you're like oh god i'm asthmatic i spaz like the plasmatics i i have a terminal case of being good at trivial pursuit but uh yeah on like, what is today? Friday? Tuesday?

Either Tuesday or Wednesday. I think Tuesday, I had like, I couldn't take deep breaths. So I went to the emergency room. And they like gave me like steroids and like an inhaler and all that stuff. And I'm all good now, but my voice is still a little, there's still a little bit of timber. A little sexy. A little sultry. There's a little bit of timber in my voice. still a little there's still a little bit a little sexy a little sultry yeah

a little bit of timber in my voice that wasn't there before so yeah dude it's that kind of podcast where it gets an asthma attack that's insane man you should have told us that's scary i was if it was if it had been any more serious i would have told you guys but it was like i was in there for two and a half hours and i was like i don't want to make anyone worry unless there's a reason to worry and i'm not convinced there's a reason to worry sure you know man one of those stitches shit dude my dad was a make him worry kind of person like if anything was wrong he'd be like wake him up wake the general up you know he was like a call him and i'd be like well you know they don't need to know he's like i'd want'd want to know, bud. And I'm like, yeah, but you're absolutely shit-faced.

So it's not. Kids, kids, wake up. I stubbed my toe. Get up. We're going to the emergency room. Yeah. Well, shit, man. I'm glad you're good.

You look fantastic. About to dip below 300 from what I hear this week. About to dip below 300 for the first time. Ideally, I don't want to jinx myself because you never know how bodies work. They're complicated fickle beasts. No, sometimes you pee poop. Sometimes you pee poop, sometimes you poop pee. Sometimes you burp bees.

Sometimes you use Burt's bees, dude. It's four things that can happen. Exactly. I should be below 300 pounds for the first time since, I don't know. I have no idea. Bush administration? High school, at least. Man, you look fantastic, truly. I have no idea. Bush administration? High school, at least.

Man, you look fantastic, truly. Thank you. It was so good to see you. Yeah, we went over to Ian's, or I went over to Ian's after the election had basically been called. And man, it was, I had never seen you, I've never seen you that thin before. That's right. And just like. Well, Zach was wasted. He doesn't know.

Yeah, that's true. Zach can have some drinks. I saw you, and I think you look great. I say that I only drink when someone loses a job, and then the whole night, once I got a little buzzed, I just convinced myself that he died. So I was having a lot of fun after that that was great malloy was there putting egg whites into drinks or maybe he wasn't but he was talking about it anyway he was screaming about it he's retaining some of that information instead of just letting himself get pickled

every week when he does the faded thursday shows yeah i mean he's picking he's picking up a skill set yeah i feel like all those faded thursday shows are are part of some fbi dossier they're just like something is happening here what is this attention when faded comes back for real you're gonna have like he's gonna have to get one of those like armbands that like mixologists wear and shit like that that the bar setup is gonna be oh god yeah we're It's no longer going to just be like beer. Yeah. That means I can't bartend anymore. Yeah.

It's going to have to be Mike. Oh, my God. Him and Sean could do cocktail night. Whoa. No, no, no. If I'm doing the cocktail night, it ain't going to be with Mike. I'll tell you that. If I'm pulling that out of my goddamn closet, Mike ain't going to be the one to wreck it.

No. Maybe Shane. Shane used to be a flair bartender oh yeah i have a video on my phone right now of it that's right tgi shane is yeah yeah yeah he's doing it and i'm yelling fuck it up shane fuck it up he took me and sean to a tgi at fridays in san die He's like, I used to work here. And it was like, I mean, the food's not any better. I'll tell you that. At least he didn't touch it before it came out of the kitchen this time.

It is somewhat better than when he worked there. Oh, you got a shitty customer? I'll call this one the long hair. Don't care. And he just puts a hair in their mashed potatoes. Is that where you got the stinky kitty? No, that was Mirage. Or Montage. Montage. Let me get a stinky kitty no that was a uh mirage or um a montage montage let me get a stinky kitty love you shane we miss you dude

yeah i do i miss him he texted me when i think when like biden got caught when he called it i know what you're talking about i love you you too, bud. Did he just text you, my tweets finally worked? Yeah, dude. Shane brought him down, man. He was putting the emotional toes out on Saturday, you know? Dude, I'm out here trying to bring down Kristi Noem and it is not working. Oh boy. All my friends are making fun of me. She's only got like 50,000 Twitter followers.

Pro skaters have more followers than she does. I know she sees it and I'm giving her both barrels. I'll tell you. I don't like her. Two sco's terrible sometimes you gotta scream at the tower you know i yeah well i do i tweet at it but yeah you never know you never know what's gonna get through man it took shane like three four years dude of like yeah yeah the battering ram insiders say that that's what really caused yeah the whole thing was just like Trump. He just wouldn't get out of bed someday. Yeah.

Well, and you know, you might not get to do this joke for too much longer, Ian, but I don't know if you've actually told anyone. I don't know if you've actually told people this joke before, but when we were touring through DC, I thought it was a pretty funny joke that you told. You want to? I would honestly love to hear it i try to keep this inner circle because like i don't know it's well okay yeah now that it's let it let people have it man a lot of people have it yeah absolutely i mean given given that like

biden is now our president-elect and and we we we don't know what that environment is going to be like but uh and just this is just sort of a trigger warning. This is some inside the beltway humor. So, uh, if that's, if, if that in any way is either confusing or startling or upsetting to you,

maybe just fast forward, uh, one to two minutes, but so, yeah. And, uh, feel free to use this,

but please do give me credit, um, at work, anywhere, anywhere at work at a bar. Thanksgiving coming up you zoom thanksgiving yeah yeah if you use it in your pod you know um maybe at your mailman through from six feet away both of you wearing masks but feel free to use it please do give me credit uh lately and especially

lately uh-huh what with all the goings on uh politically and otherwise. Sure, sure. Well, you know the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 1600 PA, yeah. Big time. It's the presidential mansion, colloquially known as the White House. It is painted white. And again, feel free to use this, but please do give me credit. What with all the goings on lately, political and otherwise-huh uh the white house what what i've taken to calling it uh-huh is the loony bin

nobody dude i hope nobody got in a car wreck dude that was yeah oh we should have said pull over you know yeah oh man you said trigger warning just called the election after that yeah yeah it's over i'm imagining trump's to concede once this drops. That is a good, good, solid joke right there. It's craftsmanship. It's good humor. It is. I am excited for the update.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 2021 version. I've been in the lab with a pen and a pad trying to get the damn label off. The malarkey pen? Yeah. Now you talk about guns.

Like I ain't gotten on what you think. I sold them all. Cause I stay well off. I didn't think you, I didn't think you sold them. I mean, you know, I don't,

I don't think he had too many. I assumed he like said to an assistant, get rid of these or put these somewhere. Don't tell me where they're at. I don't want these in the Malibu house. Yeah. Give them to Eminem. He seems stable you know let him let him get a hold of him yeah yeah he seems like he he seems he seems a safe place to leave it yeah he's got he's got eminem right i didn't i didn't think dr dray went to a plate against sports with a bunch of guns like hey what can

i get for these is it a store credit situation because i do need a hockey mask again for eminem you guys have overalls overall eminem's going through an overall space right now eminem's birthday is coming up and i want to get my hockey mask and some overalls oh man every once in a while i think about how hard i related to em Eminem as a kid living in Hawaii. Just walking down a beautifully sandy beach, 80 degrees Christmas day. Like, I am whatever they say I am. I used to listen to fucking Colors by Ice-T. Colors.

When I was walking around sioux falls and just sitting there like my pants are sagging i got braided hair when you were a nightmare walking around just walking around the safest that and i i'm not i don't think i'm exaggerating at the time the absolute safest place in probably the whole world i could have been and i was walking around being like fuck they're coming for me dude where the blood's at but anytime you had a problem you just put your fist in and that's what i respect show me some blood dude i definitely had the problem living with uh two sisters of trying to take a shit and someone's standing by the door yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i related to that

part of the song for sure. No autographs, though. No autographs. Eminem was like, he's very, there's certain artists who are very like, saying they don't age well is like too rude of a thing to say about them, even though it's true. But it's like very of their moment, you know? Yeah. Oh, I listen to that. I can't believe adults listen to it that's insane right we were kids so of course we did i took it from my uncle mark i got this what was the first one

i took that from my uncle mark so he was probably 45 that's hilarious like what was like like i'm gonna listen to it and then go pick up the kids yeah oh hold on hold on i like this part i never meant to give you mushrooms girl like what what the fuck my caddy couldn't hear me when i tipped him over my eminem that i was listening to for my audio i don't like listen to like little uzi vert that often now it's a little weird i guess eminem was just massive though right i mean he was huge i think he was just like my uncle's trying to be pretty cool too he is the one with the kangle he wears a kangle that is pretty cool say no more yeah yeah yeah that is eminem was the perfect like you identified with the anger but not specifically why yeah like he had wildly different reasons but you're so young

that you're like sure that all right these are complaints i guess an adult has i'm very angry i have barfed spaghetti but that's about where the similarity is yeah yeah yeah yeah i get that i don't know if i've told you guys my very first stand-up set i in my mind i was like oh i'm gonna get up and i was gonna do a whole bit and like an eight mile bit but about stand-up i headed my head to how funny it was gonna to be. Wait, I'm sure tons of shitty comedians thought about it. No, I was going to be like, I know something about you. You went to JFK.

Yeah. That's a private school. No, I was going to get up and be like, say it. Even I was going to be like, you know, this is like my eight mile,

you know, I hope I don't barf. It's so fucking stupid. But I was going to be like, I hope I don't barf spaghetti all over myself and then just be like, you know, but it's like stand up. I was going to be kidding. Thankfully, I didn't do it.

But in my mind, I was like, dude, that's funny, bro. I was just going through the Rolodex of like, it's all funny. So just pick what you want. Sean, I would honestly pay a thousand dollars to go back in time and see one of your first comedy. I love you. Me too. Easily. And then I come back in time and see one of your first comedy. I love you too easily. And then I come forward in time and cancel you.

You recorded it on your new life. I wasn't saying cancel stuff yet. I have it all on note cards and none of it are jokes. It's just, uh, just the thoughts. And I was like, I look at it now. I'm like,

these all could be jokes. They're still not more of a manifesto. Yeah, dude. The opening chapter. That man with a manifesto is sean s jordan on twitter sean cougar melton jordan on instagram bim bim bim bim bim bishan st noel's dude on the lemonade app yeah man yeah i had my skateboard date you guys will be interested to know it went fantastic how did it go was it you and a bunch of other pushing 40s pushing boardies yeah dude it's wild when you go meet eight new adults

i was nervous like i was i got there early so i'd be the first one there so they had to like walk to me like a power move and uh just because i was scared and everyone was so cool it felt great i was just around all these old dudes skating they all had their kids there it was sick yeah skated for a few hours yeah it was dope like super super dope who was the best oh this kid um god i want to say his name is ben he did uh yeah he was crazy like good good like real good fakie 50 fakie flip wow if you know you know but he's he was fantastic i was i was definitely in up there holding my own though. I felt good about it. Did that, did that, go ahead.

Sorry, go ahead. No, not you. Okay. Uh, I was going to say, go ahead. Did, hold on. Did that guy who was waiting? Zach, hold on. Wait, Sean, you go ahead.

Zach, well, hold on. Marissa. Laker girl. York. Laker girl. Man, Man Zach wash your ass dude go I asked you already You didn't listen to me Did any of the kids actually skateboard

Like what percentage of the guys kids skateboarded Every kid there Had a skateboard There were like 6 kids 4 of them had skateboards 2 of them were way too little. They were on bikes. I feel like if you have a skateboard dad, you're going to skateboard. Yeah.

Right? For sure. Because it's like you cruise together. You're at least going to try. Tony Hawk's kid's fucking great. Like actually. Yes. He's so good at skateboarding.

So, yeah, I think that's just how it works. Oh, if you come down here, you can play the new Tony Hawk, dude. I'm coming i mean oh just shuts his laptop this is where we get to talk about so i got a dodge charger from the rental place oh that's right you're coming so sean's coming down that'd be funny if you ran into the background of the screen yeah sean's coming down he when i'm in there he's like he he did that he's like you want to dodge charger like i was gonna be like dog dude fucking does my dick want to get hard and i was just like well you know yeah sure i'll take it and uh it's it's fun i'm not that person but it's fun you didn't get the juice he was looking for uh no but i did when i i stepped on it a few times on the freeway it's fun dude

they're fun it's all leather it's such an asshole what color is it uh it's white oh you got that outdoor leather yeah hey man you give me a leather paint job oh it's just it's a white leather dodge charger and it's going to be going 142 miles per hour down i-5 what's what's hard to understand about that yeah yeah man all right i glued a bunch of belts on my car who cares cares? Yeah, all right. It's ribbed for my pleasure, all right? Yeah, I got like an old Gap ribbed t-shirt paint job. You know, I would never do it to a car that I own, but I always appreciate when someone just does something wild with their car.

Like, have you ever seen people where they glue ornaments all over their car? Yeah. Or they just paint it themselves? There's a 4Runner in my neighborhood that has a crazy, like, all over black and white paint job. Like, a bunch of little black and white triangles. Like, it's like a wrap. That's a cow. I think I saw it.

I think I saw that when I came to drop some stuff off at your place. I see them all the time. And it's like, in the license plate, it's like Zorba 2 or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, so if you listen, good on you, man. Yeah, good on you, Zorba 2. Sorry about Zorba 1, but congratulations on the wrap. Always in our hearts.

What about Uzbek 1, dude? Remember that dude that's always at the Galleria? Uzbek 1, dude, yeah. Stay in the Galleria parking lot. Yeah, every day. I used to have a car that I had comedians sign with my keys. I would have them sign it, the outside of it, with my keys. And a couple wouldn't do it.

Doug Benson, I remember, he's like, I'm not going to do it. And I took my keys and just scratched the shit out of my car. And I was like, I don't care. Do it. He's like, all right, dude. Man, that is totally the dude who opens for you in a small town. Yeah. I think about that. If someone did that to me i'd be like no dude i don't and now i don't even want the ride that i was gonna take

was there was there any part of you that was like i'm gonna flip this later when these guys are all famous or was it just like for the for the good times it's for the good times and you know when i got that car when i sold it when i traded it in for my 2007 saturn jet black i the guy goes we're i've never seen a cargo for less than 200 and i was like you have not seen this car and he goes i'm telling you man and i bring it up and he looked at me he's like oh yeah no um 100 probably i told you you fucking mark it wasn't it's barely barely rolls it was he's just like i can give you a ride home man you weren't that's about it that's chris frangola that's chris frangola's name written on that car a hundred that's a hundred dollars alone i'm sorry do you not see caroline ray

all right it clearly says roy wood jr brendan walsh tammy pascatelli they were there those three were on there. That's pretty. Those are great comics. Yeah, that rules. Dougie Benson was on there. Yeah, now that car would be worth, they'd be like, damn. Who else? You think Roy Wood Jr. is ever like, I wonder what happened to that car I signed?

Well, I think about that stuff just in life. I would remember that if someone did that to me, if someone's like, sign my car with the keys. So I bet you they remember in some capacity we should have roy wood jr on and then ask him about it that'd be so awesome yeah you'd have to remember anyway i don't have shit coming up some gotcha journalism on asa we have roy wood jr here to draft things you've keyed into a car perhaps yeah we have a few topics we were thinking things you've keyed into a car uh nothing nothing coming up nothing to promote just world peace dude yeah i got an album on a special thing records called the buck starts here stream it or buy it if you want otherwise

be happy put some good vibes out yeah thanks bud so are you y'all are special things i'm excited uh david bori is also here cool guyokes87 on Instagram The G is silent on Twitter How are you doing, buddy? Just eating this grapefruit, man Yes, sir Dude, you gotta take I got a tree full of grapefruits If you're into grapefruits

You got You have a grapefruit tree? Oh, yeah He was You have like an orchard back there Yeah, it's crazy It's crazy back there Sean, get ready for the good times, dude

They're gonna roll Yeah Yeah, man Well, so am I I'm gonna do hard drugs when I come down He's gonna do balling It's crazy back there. Sean, get ready for the good times, dude. They're going to roll. Yeah. Yeah, man. Well, so am I. I'm going to do hard drugs when I come down. He's going to do balls. You're too happy.

You're going to catch the end of persimmon season. So I'll have some persimmons off that tree for you, bud. And some lemons. We'll get some grapefruit going. Tight. Those are all going in. Those are all going in. The garbage, because I don't eat fruit.

Some white clod. I like scurvy it is yucky persimmons well per jordan i don't eat it i might squeeze some of that lemon on my orange chicken i get from panda express no pw3 pw3 oh yeah you can make your own lemon peppers dude i got pepper too too, bro. I don't know if I'm going to have a shirt on the whole time. It's going to be wild. It's going to be cold.

There's an outdoor area. It is cold down here. Well, it's L.A. cold. I'm sure Sean will be fine. Yeah. If you've re-acclimated to the Pac-NW. David, what do you got going on? Nothing, man.

Yep. I don't know why I always ask if nothing's going on. I mean, we're, you know, folks be, be safe, be safe out there. Let's not do anything foolish. Huh? Yeah. Perhaps maybe now is like a perfect time to think of like a, what's a different question you can ask someone that doesn't seem so like heavy at times where you're like, son, it does.

It is like a loaded question now. Like if you, cause I feel like a lot of times you're like, son. It does. It is like a loaded question now. Because I feel like a lot of times there's like you're texting somebody you haven't texted in a while. It's always like, what have you been up to? And I'm like, don't fucking look at me. No. I eat out of the garbage. What have you been up to?

Oh, you're just going to point your flashlight into my dark cave. All right. You can draft a mixed double tennis team from any nba roster who you go with and that's what we'll do that's gonna replace yeah yeah yeah yeah oh my god i haven't talked to you in forever so you could make a mixed double tennis team from any nba roster i guess it couldn't be mixed doubles because that's men and male and female sean bradley and uh bill lamb beer perfect fights they weren't on the same team dude yeah that doesn't oh i thought you just meant i had to pick two nba players no you got to pick from

one roster right now current yeah i mean it's just gonna be nba jam hero but sean kemp and gary payton current i'm really not doing i'm saying hero butler hero butler is a good one yeah yeah that's a really good one. Just because I would want to play tennis with them for like, and then afterwards, maybe we'd like go get drinks and then like, you know, find out that like we are really good friends and maybe like. Like, yeah, like he likes it because we don't even talk about basketball. No, no.

He's just like hanging out with other dudes in the nba that's what they'll tell people we don't talk about work when we're with david no no no and he has these piercing dark brown eyes and he is he is flexible yeah he's flexible zach who would you you're the you're the you're the expert on this who'd be good oh yeah i was trying to think i think uh maybe yannis and uh uh is brooke lopez on that yeah yeah okay i think those two guys like yannis just because i mean i can't even imagine a seven foot tall tennis player that could move like that so i think that alone would be putting him on top and then you have brooke lopez you just stick him at net and what is going to get past that not much no it's not much not much not a free trip to disneyland

i'll tell you that that's never getting past brooke lopez that guy who uh took yannis uh on tentacumpo and brooke lopez as his doubles tennis uh team from an nba roster as opposed to asking someone what they've been up to lately is that zack with a k to scotty with an i yes sir add zack to scotty on twitter and add zack to scotty on instagram as well if i'm correct there how are you across the platforms i'm doing all right you know i had some uh i did i drank some mushroom tea last night oh beautiful nice yeah yeah and uh that's the first time i had had it that way. And I ended up just going into my room and I was like, I'm just going to re-grip all my rackets. And I did it very slowly.

And the whole time I was talking to my, not out loud, but internally. I don't know if anyone else does this, but sometimes I talk to myself about myself. Oh, no. Like how? So I was like re-gripping this racket. And I was like, you know, Zach, man, he gets so panicked. He's always in a rush. Just got to slow down, baby.

That sounds great. Just got to take the little things. And I was like wrapping my racket like very, very slowly. I don't know. It was just very nice. Anyway, did that. Woke up. Had some vegan donuts. And here here i am what an excellent 12 hour span that's a that's like a beautiful meditative night you were like a samurai like putting a sword together all slow like that exactly exactly it did feel nice to be

like where you just like oh i'm gonna like re grip probably 12 rackets it's like oh it's probably gonna take me if i do this slowly it'll take me like an hour and a half yeah but it does feel very nice to be like oh this is like i wish this was my life all the time right right right i know you but it can be you can slow it down like that every now and then although it's ridiculous to to re grip that many rackets i guess i also have to drive in los angeles yeah just going at five hours an hour what are we all rushing for slow down life is long baby you eat before you get on the road you you re-gripped a grip of rackets oh yeah that's right gripping grip gripping rackets and

busting brackets that's right because you i assume you played in a doubles tournament of some sort. I've been playing a lot, obviously, since quarantine. And man, I have never played better. I really made like two significant breakthroughs. And yeah, it's been awesome. You play on Heelys, right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a better game that way. Speaking of Heelys, me and Zach and Zach's roommate, Tuyet, we watched a Soap Shoes documentary the other day. Whoa. Yeah. What a bummer. Do you remember Soap Shoes? Yeah, of course.

Do I remember Soap Shoes? It's like cooler skateboarding. Sean looks pissed. They're just rollerblades that you didn't move on. No. Yeah, yeah. So that's what we quickly found out was So shoes suck because you can only grind and then you just land and then you stop. So there's nothing cool.

So just be someone running down, skating down or like grinding down a rail and then just stopping. Dead on your knees like the hardest part. Take the impact, son. Take it. And then it just looks lame when someone's just sprinting to a rail and it's like me and dave were watching it like you could just honestly take the stairs faster or someone could just slide on their butt and it's the same thing it was so sad and like it was like this and it was like it was like then and then now so it like had this guy like it man

it he looked like he had been through it since the soap days yeah he has to go back to like local applebee's where he had them hang him up and he's like listen they don't make them anymore i'm gonna need them you know one night i'm just soap shoe grinding down the hollywood high 16 then i'm in some club doing blow with lindsey lowen hollywood chewed me up and spit me out i don't know what to do now i live in west covina i work at uh ralph's and uh you know i'm fine with it i'm fine mostly i interview is over i miss river phoenix miss river phoenix i wasn't there i was like i was in uh phoenix when he died at the viper room but i mean i miss him man but i do miss him i'm imagining like a manager at ralph's running out someone left wallet, and he's just chasing them,

and then there's a rail, and he's like, hell yeah. Ma'am, you forgot your wallet. Don't get him. Slides right past her into traffic. Right onto the freeway. He merges successfully. Right back to Phoenix.

My name is Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Quibi, which is still in business. Is it? A Juby. Yeah, it's a Juby. We're still at it.

We're still developing. We're still taking meetings.wibi jwibi i i've been getting into meditating lately oh yeah using one of those apps which i won't mention in case there's ever a uh advertising you know clash of interests but i've been using one of those apps and like yeah i've started meditating that shit is good shit. Dude, any, anything I like, I feel they're in quarantine. People have gone one of two ways. I think we've all kind of gone the same way where it's like, let's work on it.

Let's work on ourselves and get into stuff and calm down and like do things that benefit your physical health. And that's fantastic. Not me, bro. I'm raging. I'm drunk. You got your slippers. I'm talking about hell right now no you're not you have no idea what's going on upstairs from david i'm on ketamine malloy is drunk as hell right now but that's not who we're

talking about david's that flexible because he's doing butt chug and hemicy dude he's yeah yeah they call me dr butt chug now the kids do i'm on tiktok butt chug 420 please dr butt chug was my father i'm just butt chug i'm just butch bc listen all i say is david does an interesting take on the cranberry fleetwood mac thing just in his butt also on a longboard though that's yeah yeah can i just say for a second, I do love that guy. Oh, yeah. Dog face? I love dog face.

He's grown up and he deserves all of it, man. He's sick. Keep talking about dog face. I'm going to pee real quick, which you'll see in the background of the Zoom because I'm in my room. That's hilarious. Just pees on his bed and then lays back down. He doesn't go into the bathroom, which you'll see as I piss on my bed.

Pardon me, I'm going to use the bathroom and then I just stay on Zoom. If you guys aren't on the Patreon, that's what it is. It's mostly just us watching Ian pee. Or just like us peeing. We pee too. Sometimes. We do like a director's commentary of the pee day. I don't like peeing in front of people though. I'm gun shy.

Yeah, I get that. I've never have had any problem at all. Peeing in front of people? i'm gun shy yeah i get that i've never have had any problem at all peeing in front of people never it's been it's like almost a like weird but yeah it's just never bothered me one bit yeah you threw a brick through a window because you read a book that doesn't surprise you my foot through the window i didn't i didn't throw a brick through it i threw my foot and i screamed the dirt and then i ran home. I have another friend who's listening to the dirt on tape right now and he says it's amazing. So now I'm like- Dude, who does the-

Do they do the narration or the reading? I doubt. I doubt Tommy Lee's in there reading. Tommy Lee ain't reading shit. Speaking of reading though, shout out to Shocker. He sent me a book about Jeopardy The author's name escapes me Claire... Huxtable It's not Claire Huxtable

Not Mallrats Claire Filani I will figure her name out in a second But yes, anyway, shout out to Shocker I'm so stoked to read this Jeopardy book By the way, Alex Trebek, man That's a bummer Oh it's a bummer about it oh my god oh rest in peace alex trebek a true hero yeah man that was you know it's it's weird when people like get shook by a celebrity's death but

that was tough it's been 25 years or whatever that dude's been in my life and everybody who likes jeopardy he didn't even feel like a celebrity. It felt like that's just an institution. Yeah. Like for as long as I can remember, I remember my grandma watching me and her watching Jeopardy when I was like very too young to really know what was going on. But just to think that someone was on TV that long and just did the job.

He hosted 11 game shows before Jeopardy. They did some show, a little documentary on Hulu about him. Oh, yeah. God, he was cool. He's so good, so nice, such a good dude. Claire McNear is the person who wrote the book, by the way. Yes, yes. Yeah, anyway, I'm stoked to read that book.

Did you hear that from the bathroom? No, I got back right at the tail end of it. Damn. Right at the tail end of it. Speaking of the bathroom, though, you know what you are when you're going to the bathroom? A peon. Peon? Russian russian okay but you know what you do you know what you are when you're in the bathroom what you're a peon i blew it all right all right i didn't know there was a fucking test the loony the loony bin you said loony bin is what i've

taken to calling it what was with all the goings on. Man, you would crush at like an airport bathroom. You're just like both washing your hands next to a guy. Where are you flying in from? Where are you flying in from? Oh, so you're British. Well, not when you were coming in here, because you know what you are.

When you're getting in the bathroom. You're a shitting. Oh, damn it. I fucked it up. All right. You just stay in there waiting for the next guy to wash his hands. 430 from Dallas is about to land. There's another bus coming.

There's another bus coming. All right. Here we go. You're from Britain while you're in the bathroom. I have diarrhea because traveling is hard on my body. All right. Stay ready so you don't have to get right, stay ready so you don't have to get ready. Stay ready so you don't have to get ready. Here we go.

Fuck you, dude. What? No. Now, we are gathered here today not to delight international businessmen in the bathrooms of airports, but also... International businessmen. To delight them. I'll delight them. but also international business i used to have a bathroom i'd go in the bathroom and i'd slap the wall and i'd look over and i'd be like water's cold huh that was my in the bar bathroom that was that was my big bit people love when you talk to them in the bathroom that's great yeah everybody

wants to make friends especially nutty south and sioux falls they do huh talk to them in the bathroom. That's great. Yeah, everybody wants to make friends while they're peeing. Especially Nutty South and Sioux Falls, they do. Talk to me more, Sean. Nutty South, dude. Now, we are gathered here also to draft tattoos we would get if we were to get tattoos. Now, three of us don't have tattoos. David, you do have tattoos. Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing. What are your tattoos?

If you want to talk about it. If not, we can gloss right over this. We'll talk about it. We're pretty we can gloss right over this. We'll talk about it. We're pretty candid on this show. Let's get it. I have carpe diem on my wrists. Yeah, you got to carpe that diem. You got to go get it.

Because I was 18 and I don't really even have a good reason for it. It was just like my day off. You know when you're 18 and you just start doing shit yeah you're like let me go buy some cigarettes let me go to a porno store let me get a tattoo let me vote for president like you're just like doing all these things yeah it was just like and i also have one on my neck that i just got from a guy in a garage didn't take any care of it went to a party directly after no vaseline or anything so most of the ink fell out you can like barely barely see it

you can't even see the whole thing what did the neck tattoo say said motati which in kono our tribal language is kind of like every dog has its day sort of oh that's cool though yeah but it was like i was like let me throw one up on my neck a lot of you were ahead of the curve a lot of people have neck tattoos now face tattoos even the kids i haven't seen those kids the kids these kids are going crazy on the tiktok on the tiktok i'm talking and i'm ticking for god's sake i'm shaking my head follow me dr butt chug 420 on tiktok once again let's get those numbers up folks let's get those numbers up go ahead and smash streaming every day streaming every day he's butt chugging stuff that you didn't even

think soup you ever seen a man butt chug peanut butter yeah tune in campbell's chunky oh god butt chugs wet liquid jello and then it turns then it turns into Jell-O in his stomach. He's the only guy doing that. Everybody tune in. Actually, I butt chug cake mix, and I fart out a whole cake. If we get $50,000 on the Patreon, he'll butt chug grape nuts and die. You can't. Imagine that.

Go into the doctor. What happened? He butt chugged a bunch of grape nuts and i think i think he's dead it was like a week ago and he hasn't moved for 50 grand that's it like a whole box you're doing it not me so yeah 20 grand i don't care i don't butt chug solids not since not since the accident you know that you know that it can come it can come out solid but it can't go in solid. No, no, no. The blood's going to mix it up just fine.

It won't even feel solid. It's gross. Now it got gross. Somehow that's just when it got gross. I don't like that. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to butt-chug some vermouth and gin and puke you out a martini. Nice.

I'll drink it. I'll drink it. $10,000 on that one. You would drink a butt-chug martini for $10,000? Yeah. I mean, that's not what I was saying, but yeah, I would. What? I don't know.

Can we make sure I'm not going to get like... You have $10,000. Can we make... Stop airing me out. Can we make sure that I'm not going to like... I'm not airing you out. Nobody can tell if you're drinking ass martinis. Trying to stay off the grid, David.

That's why I don't have an ID either. You, come on. I try to make the number i'm always trying to make the number higher but if it was 10 grand in a suitcase and someone had a like a butt chug martini i'd drink it do you think you get the suitcase what if they were like no i'm just gonna dump it out and i get the suitcase oh i get no i get the suitcase sure you're throwing the suitcase what if it's like a suitcase with nine thousand nine hundred eighty dollars in there and they're like it's a it's a twenty dollars i'd say go get 20 more dollars go get 20 more dollars if you want me to drink that out of your butt go get 20 more dollars i'd say i wonder what an attache case costs yeah where do you even get one can you get a ten thousand can you get a ten thousand dollar

briefcase what if that was the rub they're like like, Oh yeah, it's worth 10 K. That's like some twilight zone shit. I'm not ready for that. And like, even if I were to get an attache case and a ton of cash, I wouldn't be able to, I wouldn't be able to do the math to where it all is. Even when I shut the case,

it'd be like all uneven. I'm like, I can't show up like this. It's all sloppy. How can you eyeball 10 grand i have no idea it i don't think it needs an attache case well if you got shortchanged at least he's had at least he's one drink deep at that point so it's gonna stay a little less drinking off the i think you could put 10k in a fanny pack i think 10k is only like a couple stacks it's a hundred

hundreds of money right yeah is that right yeah yes is that correct i think so yes it is so yeah so i know what a hundred ones looks like because of the strip club so yeah you don't need oh yeah so you don't need a you don't need a you don't need an attache anyway if we get the patreon up to ten thousand dollars which i think it is at sean's gonna butt chug a martini so thank you everyone we did it and uh look for that video coming out soon sean butt chugging a martini. It's going to be great. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft of tattoos we get if we didn't have tattoos, if we had to get tattoos, is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Zach wins. Sean and David go rock. Zach goes paper. And with that paper zach wins now zach as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that

that's a great question yes i'd like to know what's like if if there's a bunch of people drafting and you have the g's drafting over here, so you let the Gs draft first. Then you go over to the other side and you let the Hustlas draft. And then before you go back to the Gs, you let the Hustlas draft again. Okay. And then you go back to the Gs, you let the Gs draft one more time. And then before you go back to the Hustlas, you let the Gs draft again. And then from the Gs, you then go back to to the hustlers and then let them draft one more time and before you go back to the g's you let the

hustlers draft yet again and then back to the g's and the hustlers and the g's and the hustlers until the whole martini from your butt is gone that one got to marissa she wasn't expecting it it was such a pleasant jeans and hustlers riff and then you had a butt chug at the end of it ain't that how it goes with sean basically what it means is if you pick basically uh fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now with that in mind zach what will the order of today's all fantasy everything draft be i think the draft order is going to be sean ian oh me whoa david oh shit hot corner i'm not used to this this is two weeks in a row where i'm all tucked in the bed like this

i don't know how to feel about it it's fridays man we all got our teeth out i'm getting claustrophobic all right well here we go i I mean, that means Sean, Sean Jordan, you are on the board for the first pick and we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by schedule 35. Now microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of all fantasy, is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could.

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on that uh discover awards thing that was so nice yeah that was cool what that was such a such a delightful little surprise and and thank you for voting for that and for if you voted for sports and for punch up the jam as well what a cool little family win yeah i dig it all that aside sean time for your first pick i'm gonna get uh on the top of my hand i'm gonna get a square line tattooed and then a little note that says memo so it's gonna be like a memo pad on the top of my hand oh so when you write stuff on there so when you write stuff on your hand it's like a memo pad i've always do right on your hand quite a bit all the time my whole life if i if i like need to like if something needs to happen, I've gone through the stages.

I text myself. I leave notes. I email myself. None of that really works. Yeah. If I write on my hand, that works because it's embarrassing too. Like that's an embarrassing thing to have to write on your hand when you're damn near 40.

So I just think it'd be funny. I've always thought that'd be funny. And I think that's a fun idea. I don't think I stole that from my friend Joey, but if I did, I'm going 40. So I just think it'd be funny. I've always thought that'd be funny. And I think that's a fun idea. I don't think I stole that from my friend, Joey. But if I did, I'm going to give him credit. But I'm pretty sure it was mine from high school. I don't think that's an embarrassing thing to do because it's better than my method, which is just forgetting to do shit and then never doing it.

Yeah, that's like kind of the difference, right? It's dude. I remember a few times where like I'd get got a little tore up and then I'd wake up and I would things that there was no way i was gonna forget like um i don't know like where i parked my car so i'd never forget that stuff but i'd write it like 49th and cooch huge on my hand 49th and what cooch like it just somewhere where you know just some street like there's a cooch street oh yeah portland oregon spelled couch oh okay pronounced cooch no that's not us doing it

the whole city pronounces a cooch that's hilarious yeah it's good it's one of the many delights of the jewel of the pacific northwest it was portland oregon even like the bus pa system says it and that's when you know it's for real when you just take that sound bite out nobody knows what we're talking about dude they actually got the laker girls guy to do it for the portland metro system next stop oh man i didn't like doing that you You shouldn't. I'm glad. Oh, that felt bad. Oh, man.

Something would be wrong with you if you did. That felt bad. Yeah, memo pad on top of the hand. I think it'd be, it's funny. It's good. It works. Top of the hand seems like it would hurt. Yeah.

Because there's all those bones right there. I don't know what a tattoo feels like. I don't have any. And I always, I want to know so bad. I almost, I entertain the idea of getting a wedding ring tattooed until Ian had One of probably five serious talks we've had In life And that was he did not

We were in the gallery We were on our way to get some shoes And we had parked right off of I don't know by the gallery And I brought it up and he goes Sean No Sean no He said my name twice like that. Like I was grounded or something.

When you're someone's good friend, you're also their secret service agent. And sometimes you got to throw yourself in front of a bullet. You know what I mean? That one I could not let happen. Shout out to everybody out there who has a tattooed wedding ring, by the way. No shame. Oh yeah, shout out to you. But Ian just wasn't going to let me have that be my first and only tattoo.

I'm imagining you guys were just hanging out in the gallery uh and you're cheer like hey ian i think i'm gonna get the my wedding ring tattooed and ian's like get in the car yeah drives you to the desert the same desert where johnny depp hides the jewels in the sauvage commercial and that's where he goes no you guys didn't talk the whole drive and then we drive from there back to David's house and we go David here's a new bottle of Sauvage because you've used your previous bottle I bet yeah and I'm like sorry guys

no time I'm drowning in pussy that's right from all this next up sorry guys I'm on cooch street oh man favorite part of Jerry Maguire when that guy calls and he's like on cooch street oh man favorite part of jerry mcguire when that guy calls and he's like

this coach memo pad excellent pad thanks bud um i'm gonna okay so time for my first pick weird so soon um i'm going to get and i did i guess i didn't think about where i would get this one i guess this would be a on top of the on top of the shoulder and kind of like a an arc you know one of those ones that goes with the and i would get the word irony in hebrew like across your back no no not across my back top of the shoulder like a like a like right here just on your arm yeah like like it's like a like it's like a i don't know like something sewn into a Boy Scout shirt. You know what I mean? Right, right, I got you.

I get the word irony in Hebrew because to get a tattoo in the Jewish religion is forbidden. It's not kosher. Right. It violates Levitical law to mark your skin like that. So to have a tattoo in Hebrew would be ironic. What's that tattoo say? It's irony in Hebrew.

Fun little joke. And under, from what I understand, from under the law, you would be able to then get buried because it's like a double negative. I can't. Oh, he has a tattoo. Ah, bam. This sucks. And then they turn you over and they're like, oh, shit.

Oh, shit. We got gotta put him in he got us if there's one thing jews appreciate more than the torah it is a loophole so i have never said that but i'm glad you did yeah that was gonna be my second my second tattoo but you already said it so um break down kosher for me like i know that i've i know that we've done this before but what does it mean well kosher it's like i mean it means you can't eat it mostly so there's like i i maybe in a larger sense it just means things you can't do treif means you can't do it kosher means it's okay okay so pork is treif you can't eat it shellfish is treif beef as long as it's prepared in a kosher kitchen is kosher so they're like there were laws that in my i think that were originally designed to keep people safe because

they didn't understand science back then but they were like hey people keep eating pork and like they're getting trichiniasis and dying from it or like people eat shellfish and red tide would like kill people and stuff like that it ain't trichiniasis if you got it that's right you can only you can't get trichiniasis twice you know so i just i'm out there still so i think they made up these laws that were like god says so that's like my amateur theory and that i've done i used to have an old stand-up joke about but uh yeah that's what i would get my original that i wanted to get when i was like 18 i was like i'm gonna get mom in hebrew and then i never got it even though i love my mom definitely enough to get a tattoo i i was like it would just be too much to get a tattoo in hebrew that would be very

silly yeah i i can't believe i made it out without having it i'm saying i'm almost the only adam doesn't have any of them mean adam made it out everybody else has like a bunch from from back i'm surprised you don't have tattoos i understand but you i'm i am pretty surprised you don't have a tattoo marissa do you have any tattoos no tattoos no not on mars just shows us the canadian flag is her whole back yes sean it is like man if i would have had gambling odds for like what your rap sheet was at the age that you were where you're like oh he's a crip in south dakota he has to have so close to having that burned into my thumb webbing but you look yeah i just i never i don't know i never i think a big part of my dad was one of those was one of those assholes i think but uh yeah he just would have

hated me if i would have got tattooed or a piercing of any kind my little sister has tattoos huh elisa my little sister has a couple tattoos yeah well she's she's harder than all of us put together my mom all my siblings have tattoos my mom has a tattoo i forgot about that your mom does yeah what tattoo does your mom have? She's like a panther on her back. My mom's got her nose pierced and she's got purple hair. We got buck moms. My mom also has her nose pierced sometimes.

I don't know if she does right now. I can't remember. My mom is back to the katana. Zach's mom's a battle rapper. In Hawaii. She ate her own spaghetti before she got her reps yeah so i would get irony in hebrew uh up on the top of my uh shoulder zach time for your first pick my first pick uh i think i would just have to honor me in sixth and seventh grade who spent

so i really when i was younger i really thought i was gonna get a lot of tattoos and piercings i was just like as soon as i turn 18 man it's over and then when i was 18 that's okay but like i spent probably two years of my life obsessing over getting tuscany on the back in old england because that was the that was the font of like word 97 yeah that was like the best one when you say on your back what do you mean on your back like across the back across like a jersey oh yeah yeah like shekler has okay guys i was hoping somebody hoping we could touch on that shekler ryan shekler professional skateboarder did that and he it says shekler no he got tiscani he has shekler tattooed shoulder to shoulder brandon burkhardt

guy from my hometown a lot of people did that yeah that's a common one so buck dude it was like the move of pretty much everyone who was like five to six years older than me especially in hawaii it was everywhere and everyone had like cool ass last name so it was like damn that has a bunch of z's in it yeah like, yeah. Like it just looked tight. So I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. I used to just sneak onto the like school computers and just type my last name in like 65 font and just be like, yeah. Do you think do you think that that would make you be more successful in life if you

had your name? Because you don't want to be like playing pickup basketball and just put your shirt on like all right i gotta go work at uh staples now i think i think if i had that tattoo right now it would people would not it would be such a weird mixed message that i was sending hilarious it would be unexpected like if we were all just friends and we finally went to the beach together when we were all down in la and i just took off my shirt you guys would be like what the fuck he hasn't told us about something that's like a different guy yeah old english is like oh yeah that is a move yeah that means you're tougher than i thought if like if you do that i'm like oh whoa zach's been lying he's way tougher than i had thought he's definitely been in fights he definitely wanted to get in fights at the bruce just was

hiding it from all of us yeah if i was dating some girl and then her i go to her parents lake house and then i have that it's like dude not smooth sailing anymore they have questions laura's dad would have fucking flipped if i take my shirt off you're like nah nah it's michael jordan michael jordan it's fine it's a basketball thing let me take the boat by myself bro you can go drunk it's okay it's water show me the road show me the cops dude there's something great about telling everybody your last name though yeah you know what i mean because so many tattoos are like oh i'll get my family crest or something that symbolizes my family. That's like more often.

They're always like, I mean, I guess not surprisingly very symbolic of whatever you think is important. But yeah, like last names for something for some reason with me that was like very deep. Oh, yeah, dude. I think everybody had that fan. It kind of I know i definitely was like that'd be sick but never this for free i never had that fantasy carmel would look very silly in old english carmel would look ridiculous in old english like yo dude you misspelled yeah i don't know what is that big guy got caramel tattooed on his back why that guy like that guy really likes it he's i guess he's living that life for real yeah

i guess he just loves caramels i mean shit me too let's go get a sundae fuck i guess let's chill with that dude let's see what let's fall yeah that guy's our day now that's tight uh that's awesome yeah tiscani on the back david boring time for your first pick mine is also my last name but on my chest and uh phonetically oh like you know what would that look like i think the way i think about it is like that b and then the o with the line over the top and then r e e e or whatever oh like how in the dictionary like in the dictionary where it says how to sound stuff out yeah it would be my last name so people would quit fucking it up i brought this up so many times i don't know how

many times i've brought you on stage as gabori before we like knew knew each other oh it sucks to think about happens so much that i don't even notice that much and that hurts my feelings yeah i can't even imagine somebody saying gabor like looking at your name i'm like obviously his last name's not gabori but that's oh man i had a football coach who was like first goddamn day of football in ninth grade uh first not even not first day of like weightlifting summer camp doing roll call david de borgi borgi gorgi orgy and then everybody called me orgy till i left that school oh my god yeah a football coach will say your name wrong for the rest of their life yeah yeah you save them from a burning car oh orgy things like they will you'll you'll run into

them again at the old tgi friday shane torres working the bar and you'll see a football coach there and they'll still call you the wrong fucking name yeah carmel carmel he's still dead how the hell are you orgy man look like you could tear down a brick shit house huh you still playing 36 what you're there with your wife and kids

so arena ball I'm at a TGIF Friday now I can't help but notice the second time you said TGIF Fridays yeah it's like an ATM machine. I sometimes fuck it up. I'm from Ohio. Don't.

We're not great. Don't make him whip his shirt off, dude. Yeah, he'll show you the Toscani. TGI Toscani's back. Don't make him rip that Northern Exposure. Hell yeah. When did you get a Northern Exposure t-shirt? eBay.

It's your favorite show of all time, is it not? Yeah, it's one of my favorite shows. It's not even streaming because they don't have any of the music rights. Of course they don't. Because they just had a really killer soundtrack. So I've been thinking about buying it, like the DVD series. Yeah. But I don't have a DVD player or any computer that can take a DVD.

So I'm really at a loss. You can watch it at my house. Oh. Is that weird? I'm going to get it mailed to David Gabori. No, haven't you seen my chest? It's Bori. Bori?

I'll say your chest. Say it with your chest. And your second pick, David. My second pick, I would Steve-O it. Me, on my back, but doing the fizz face so like but on my back wearing your own t-shirt of you on it wearing what i'm wearing now a frankie quinones t-shirt shout out to cholo fit uh yeah i would get me on my back because like i ever since he did that i thought that was the funniest fucking thing to do.

He's hilarious. Anyone who says that guy's not hilarious is dead wrong. He is hilarious. There's two things I love. Tattoos of people having tattoos of themselves and people who quote themselves. I think both those things are so fucking funny. What is the quote on his back again? It's like, dude dude i rock or something like

oh yeah and then steve-o yeah it's i i just like he does it never every time i see it i laugh every time i see it i laugh it's a good tattoo too it looks just like him it's perfect and it's amazing what do you say when that guy takes his shirt off at the beach we go to the beach for the first time it's me back there not even like and i'm just a dude like i'm just a guy you work with at target you know what i mean i'm in i'm in yeah david didn't drive to the beach he was shot out of a cannon this is where he landed and just this face is funny like i, I almost think I would want, like, the Mac Dre, like, outfit that he has. And then, but, like, me, like, maybe. It's just so funny. It's just so funny.

What does he have, like, a button? Does he wear a button up with a bucket hat or something? He's wearing a polo, a striped polo. Yeah, that's right. A black and white striped polo. Yeah. It's just so funny. It's just so funny to tattoo yourself on your body.

I would get so scared, though. That's, like, it seems like so funny to tattoo yourself on your body i would get so scared though that's like it seems like a high bar to fuck up yeah like someone doing a picture of you because it's like you don't want it to be too exact or too character yeah because then it's like whoa is that fat diddy on your back and i'm like i don't know that's kind of a win-win situation for me actually yeah it is it is bad the jalen rose hairline straight across yeah man i fucking yeah the me fizz face on my back throw it i love that i think it would be hilarious zach it's gone it's time for your second tattoo second tattoo i think i would i don't know about placement i all i know is i wouldn't want anything on my legs i just don't ever look i when i see other people with leg tattoos it just never

looks it looks weird to me so i guess maybe it would be like underneath my armpit somewhere that you could kind of hide and it would just say street Smart. Because my dad called me that. I'm not going to do the bit, but I have a bit about it. But my dad called me that. And it's just one of those things where he never really was right about a lot of things, but he kind of nailed that one. Like, I just feel like, oh, that is, if I was to get something that would be of essence of me,

I think it would be that. Can I do the bit street smart it's a good bit yeah go for it that's zach street smart i mean there's other parts to the bit but that is part of it but that's my favorite part sister's book smart zach street smart it is a good ass bit that's super funny street. And I just feel like even no context, you would kind of get it. It's kind of like a perfect tattoo where I wouldn't

want something where someone would ask too many questions. You just want something where someone's like, yeah, I got it. Old English? What's your tattoo mean? It's two words, man. It's self-explanatory. Old English font? No, I think I It's two words, man. It's self-explanatory. Old English font? No, I think I would just go maybe like a typewriter font, something simple.

In the street sharks font? Oh, I forgot about them. God, those sharks could blade. Yeah, dude, they could blade hard. Sean, how'd you feel about the street sharks? Stop talking about rollerblading and rollerblading-esque activities. Oh, so huge buff-ass sharks rollerblading still isn't cool? No. You would never say anything to them, Sean.

Not even close to cool. They're so buff. I dare you to say some shit to a street shark. The tiger shark is loco. Dude, he's crazy. Put him on my front porch. See what happens. I just said I want to put him on the fucking front porch. See what time it is. You get three street sharks at your front door you're not going there's gonna

be three dead street sharks in my front door i'll tell you that you could i love you dude you could not kill a street shark no way in hell that's three of them that's what you're saying is nuts you're out of pocket right now mike would say that he could beat up all four he could beat up the street sharks who'd he say he could beat up jackie chan jackie chan jackie chan guy this guy i know look at marissa it's just like what yeah he said he could beat up jackie chan fuck no he couldn't he couldn't beat up jackie chan on his deathbed he really meant it i don't think two of us together could beat up jackie chan i really don't there's never been a point on this planet when mike mulloy could have beat up jackie chan and there never will be as long as one of them is alive never unless there's unless there's some bookie in boston named jackie chan who's like a foot

shorter than mike yeah maybe he just thought it was that guy jackie chan he went to my middle school get the shit out of that he thinks we're talking about jack Chin, some guy that works at some uppercut type bar. I could beat him up again. Mike Malloy, who has said he thinks he could beat up what percentage of professional athletes? It was too high. It was like 50 or something. It was too high. Any percentage is crazy high,

but it was a high percentage. He has now posited that he could beat up Jackie Chin. He means it. I know he does. Yes, he respect that part where like you are you're you're steadfast in your belief yeah you could beat up jackie chan appreciate the confidence he's not trolling no no when he is a lot but that's he means that not with this one yeah not with when he says he can beat someone up he means that you know no this one. Yeah, not with when he says he can beat someone up. He means that shit. No, no, for sure. He also said that everybody he got into a fight with in high school is dead now, which

I don't know what that means. Brain damage, dude. I had a long period where I would tell people I thought I could beat up Snoop. I don't see why not. Why do you think you couldn't? I think you could be able to beat up Snoop Dogg. I don't think Snoop was particularly strong. I think he was, or tough. I think he was't be able to beat up Snoop Dogg. I don't think Snoop was particularly strong or tough. I think he was

gnarly. Hey, I don't want the problems that come with that. No, you don't. You sure don't. It doesn't end with him. No, it's not the trailers. It's the movie. 100%. I don't even beat it.

Snoop, if you're're listening I know you are I don't mean it man I'd let Snoop beat me up just to avoid the repercussions I don't know It would be a bad situation I don't want to get into a situation Where like one of my options is Fight Snoop

What did I do What's the worst option Than that Where am I One of my options is fight Snoop. Like, what did I do? You know what else happened that day? What's the worst option than that? Where am I? I feel like you're on the universal lot for some reason. Yeah, I feel like it's a very show-busy place for sure. Just like in the fucking lobby at ICM. You either have to fight Snoop Dogg or Eminem.

Snoop. I would, I don't, Eminem would have a pocket knife. Eminem's fucking insane. I don't, Eminem would have a pocket knife. Eminem's fucking insane. I'd fight Snoop in a heartbeat. Yeah, that dude seems like a dude with a pocket knife for sure. Yeah. And he runs for like six hours a day. Eminem would have a box cutter, dude. He would

gut you with a wine opener. Yeah, you gotta fight Snoop Dogg. Eminem's got the energy of like, do you remember those kids who, like, the top of their lips were always stained with red with kool-aid but they were also like very violent just little wild cards little five-year-old wild cards walking around dirty hands chapped lips yeah yeah at me next time david my cousin used to call me candy stains just walking around stealing that's because you shit your pants

you would have this little song he'd sing to me he's like candy stains crazier than an engine main what do you mean main like the way that gucci like what up man no what song is that he's he sang it to Slurricane? Slurricane. He did. Coming up to run that engine mine. Oh, my God. Man, I hope candy stains is the next tattoo you pick. I get candy stains and actual red tattooed over my lips.

Yeah, it's like when women tattoo their eyebrows. Yeah. Just going to save you time in the long run. Really, seriously. Yeah, street smart. Great pick, Zach. Time for my second pick. And with my second pick, I'm going to take,

this is one I would actually get if I were going to get a tattoo, which I still, I don't know that I would, but I would get like a little pine tree just right here on my wrist just like right below my hand absolutely just a little in like green kind of the same color of the sweatshirt i'm wearing now right like an evergreen like a pine green and then it's just like the little outline of a of a pine tree and i would just get it right there just a little

oregon shout out let them know yeah yeah i get it make it one of those scratch and sniff ones yeah yeah you scratch it and there's a little pine just one of those ones like it's like that's one of the ones like david scratch and sniff sauvage that he got on his chest for you no no no like so that's that's straight sniff you gotta get the you gotta get chris like really subtly written into the tree. So it's Chris Pine. A Chris Pine mystery. Then you're just going to confuse everybody that much harder, aren't you? Right. They're like, why does Chris Pine

have a tattoo of himself on a tree? What is going on? It's funny. He seems cool. I like the idea of you beating him at his own game. Like you should get Chris Pine vanity plates. Yeah. He's so tight. beating him at his own game like you should get chris pine vanity plates i should yeah your move i wonder if those are available they gotta be nobody's got chris pine vanity he sure doesn't have them and if he does then he's a prick chs pne yeah yeah yeah yeah Chris Pine just answering your phone like yeah it's Pine go for Pine

maybe I will get Chris Pine maybe I'll start making dinner reservations under the name Chris Pine you should check into hotels that's your raw Mexico yeah and then I just show up and like I'm like okay either do you see another Chris Pine here yeah I'm sorry that's for me or you're about to lose a reservation seat me did you see the Prius here? Yeah, I'm sorry. Because either that's for me or you're about to lose a reservation.

Seat me. Did you see the Prius I just pulled up in? Yeah, it said Chris Pine. Look at the license plate. It also says Chris Pine. Now, if you know another Chris Pine, point him out. That is two-factor authentication. Yeah.

I can't say it. Yanis Autentica Pupo. There it is. Autentica Pupo. Yanis Autentica Buttopo. There it is. Autentica Poopo. Janice Autentica Butt Chug. Poop. Two-factor authentication. Two-factor authentication.

There you go. There it is. That's a word that I thought I had locked down, and then I went for it, and I was like, no, no, no, no. I have trouble with the word specificity. Specificity? Specificity? Yeah.

Dumb word. I don't like it, but I have trouble with that most of the time. I'm pretty excited. I told you about the time when in high school they transferred me to a photography class at the last minute because I needed one more arts credit. And I had to do a presentation the next day for that class. And during my presentation, I kept calling it photographing because in my head it got mixed up

and then I was like yeah my favorite pfotographer is Ansel Adams look at this pfotograph I put your pfotograph away oh my god for the last time I told you it's Davidid pohoto jesus

yeah so i get a little pine tree on the inside of my wrist sean time for your second and third picks uh so my second pick was one that i i was the closest to getting i have two disgusting cigarette burns on my left forearm and i wanted to get a little stick board little stick skateboard and then fill in the circles uh like with ink so that so it was like a little stick board and then tattoo in cursive above it first love on the inside of my forearm and i still think that'd be an amazing tattoo but i thought your first love was hot sauce first love was skateboarding man and uh that would be but it's so like if you go get that later in life yeah you're wild like what's a stick what's a stick board just like a it's like just a you know straight lines like a you just it just looks

like a stick drawing of a scale like a stick drawing oh okay i see i see like if i went in like you only turned 40 once and i and i got, they'd be like, all right, dude. Your first love is Grey's Anatomy now. They'd be like, don't you have a wife? Yeah, I do. She's waiting for you. She's driving you home after you get this tattoo. I got a kid.

I also got $50 American, and I butt chugged for that money. So yeah, I'm getting this tattoo. I still think it'd be a dank tattoo, but it's just like, I can't carry that. I'm not that kind of person that can carry the weight of a cursive tattoo on my forearm.

David Hansberger one time, because I was entertaining this like well into my 20s and David Hansberger told me that he's like, if you do stand up and you have a tattoo on your forearm, that's all people are going to look at. It got into my head, so I never got it.

But I was close to getting it. Yeah, you would have to wear long sleeves. I've heard people say that. I think that, you know, Ben Roy pulls it off. Yeah, there's a lot of people. Yeah, I think it's common enough now where people, it's just like they don't really see them unless they want to look at them. Yeah. Also, if you're hilarious, anything goes up there, man.

I wear shorts up there. Yeah, same. I know. I only speak in Italian. People love it. Pugliaboppo, Pugliaboppo. My thing with tattoos just in general is either you've got to have one little one works, I think, or you've got to have a lot of them.

Yeah, it feels like it's an all or nothing kind of game. One big one does pull the eye. If you just had one big forearm tattoo it would pull the eye a little bit and then nothing else and was like hmm it's like emojis it's kind of zero to a hundred yeah yeah like you start using them you gotta use them all either either we're doing the drooling face or we're not doing any yeah by the way that happened to me the other day ian you were talking about the crossover with mom and some sexy emojis what yeah i made some cornbread and my mom hit me with like four of those drool ones and i was like oh and then and then a bunch of hard eyes and i'm like okay i do love you and i get it yeah my mom has sent me the

kiss one the kit blow kiss uh yeah like a yeah that one i'm like no mom that's not a mother's son can blow kisses but there's certain ones that you don't want the drooling one is yeah you don't want to you don't want to see your mom talking about making an eggplant parmesan david this David, this eggplant was so tasty. Thanks. I throw my phone in the toilet. It was an extra wet eggplant. Looks like it's raining out. Yeah, it was spritzing.

Fire hydrant. Wait, you use a fire hydrant? No, I don't know. No, they're juicing it with those peaches. Yum, yum. I was drooling. But luckily, two men showed up. Whoa. What?

Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is going where I thought it was going. Sean, time for your third pick. You know the Spitfire head, the Spitfire wheels head, that little devil head? Yeah. I'd get that right on the inside of my bicep. I think it'd be tight. And I would get it, here's the wild part, I'd get it filled in.

So it'd be like a red tattoo. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, red skin. And that, I've always wanted to get one on the inside of your bicep because it's supposed to hurt like crazy. And I want to know what that feels like just the i don't know i want to know what a tattoo feels like so bad but this is how you got those cigarette burns in the first place yeah exactly that's exactly it's exactly how it is well not exactly we were just being dipshits but it was kind of like that where you're just like can i do this and you're like yeah it sucks but i can't filling it in with extra hurt dude because you have to get it you would probably have to get it

redone every i yeah i think years i don't know how 10 years i don't know but yeah you got to get it touched up for sure but it'd be i still think it would look cool and then it's like sneaky nobody like most people wouldn't know you had it unless you're like at the beach or something. But I got to pee again. Keep talking. All right. Yeah. The spit by the watch.

And it throws back to skateboarding too. So well, those that if someone saw both those tattoos, they go checks out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're skateboarding. I didn't even think to like at the end of this to imagine that we have all five of these tattoos.

Yeah. You're going to look insane with Tuscany on your back. Doesn't matter what else you do. You have Tuscany across your back. Yeah. It's like a gnarly haircut for the rest of your life. Yeah. And you get like a haircut and then you're like,

oh, now I got to be this guy showing up. That's the wild thing. When someone gets that tattoo and then they're not that person anymore, they're, you know, they're done with it. They're like, yeah, I know it says Crips on my neck, but I'm not that guy anymore. That's always, that was always why I didn't like after i did it that was

always what kept me from ever getting it was just like you're like oh man i i do too much different shit to like yeah you know what i mean there's nothing that like applies to me now that applied to me when i was 18 right like it's like five years from that. Like I used to love Carl's Jr. What if I threw that up on there? I hate it now. I did so much stuff before, you know, before I was even 18, I had done some stuff and I'm like, already when I was 18, I didn't like a lot of the shit that I maybe would have got tattooed when I was 14.

So it's like, yeah, I kind of figured. Same reason I never got credit cards until i was old where i was like nah you don't you're not ready to handle that kind of responsibility but now you can have all the credit cards you want because you have a good credit score i got one now you know what happens if you're european before you're russian you're in trouble did you think of that in the bathroom? Did you just piss yourself? I peed myself pretty bad. I didn't get any of it in the toilet. It's not all on me, but none of it's in the toilet.

A lot on your bed, huh? Yeah. Before you came back, the businessman seemed really happy with that joke. He liked it? Great. Yeah, man. Spitfire head. I love it.

Excellent pick. Time for my third pick my third pick is going to be okay uh beavis and butthead what's it gonna be this is if i had to get a funny one yeah i would get one of those steve-o people like one of those like who like can do like an amazing photorealistic tattoo and i would find a picture of my little sister that she hated and i would get that tattooed on my bicep like on my shoulder up there just like a picture of her that she hates but like it's photorealistic where she's like oh i hate that picture and then i'd get it tattooed on my body so every time i saw Aliza Carmel, I could pull up my sleeve and just be like,

look at that. There it is. Hey, what do you think Aliza? Huh? Huh? I think you look beautiful. Look at you.

I love you so much. You're my, you're my little sister. I, you know, I do anything for you. That would be so fun. Got you tattooed on my bicep.

You just like, you go to get seconds on lasagna. Excuse me, Aliza. And you just reach your plate right in front you tattooed on my bicep you just like you go to get seconds on lasagna excuse me elisa and you just reach your plate right in front of her so your bicep don't get up don't get up don't get up you buy you take all your button-up shirts to a tailor so there's like a secret pocket yeah that you can just undo a button and it just opens the flap and shows your bicep just see a picture of her like mid eating soup. You know, there's like soup like falling off the spoon out of her mouth, you know.

Exactly. That's hilarious. That's like, I love that you are willing to take it to the ink. Yeah. You're like, yeah, no, this runs deep. True Big Brother shit. Real deep Big Brother bully. People would be like, oh my God, did she pass away?

And you're like, no, very much alive. Very much alive. She's doing great. She's fine. She's all the time. Getting her doctorate. Getting married next summer, yeah. I love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is a picture of her mid-yawn when she was 22 years old. Yeah. Out of noodles and company. She was 22 years old. Yeah. Noodles and come. This is,

I said, uh, smile, uh, half a second after I took the picture and this is what came out. Yeah. So I'll get a picture of Aliza on my shoulder. Real bad picture. Uh,

Zach, time for your third pick. Okay. Third pick. I would get a quote by Alfred Einstein. And it's the quote is, I don't know. I assume get a quote by Alfred Einstein, and the quote is, I don't know. I assume he said it at some point.

Just funny to me to get a quote where he didn't know something. I don't know. That's hilarious. That is hilarious. Oh, did he say that? He had to have at some point. Everyone has said it at once. People would say, he say that i he had to have at some point everyone has said it at once people man i could see someone getting that and thinking it was like really faux deep like if you got it would be funny but being like yes yeah even albert didn't have all the answers you know yeah yeah just remind me that i'm not perfect yeah yeah exactly that's where i thought you

were going initially so i'm glad that you were taking it uh down a funnier road oh you thought i was gonna pick like a real albert einstein quote he probably said like hold on i gotta take a shit real quick what uh nationality was albert einstein he was a german jew the german jew gj juman he's a j. He was one of us. One of us. Wait, are you Jewish? Played by Walter Matthau in a movie. Excellent pick. Yeah. He loves it.

He loves it over everything. David, time for your third and fourth picks. My third pick, I am going to get Whitney Houston from her self-titled album, Whitney, not Whitney Houston, and I would get it on my thigh. Oh. Ooh. Meat. Her in that white. Her in the white.

Yeah, you heard it. You heard it, you bad little pig. Whoa. Zach used to call me. I'd bring in Taco Bell to Zach's house and he'd be like, sit down and eat, you pig. Right when I walked in, he'd be like, is that what you're going to have for dinner, you pig? While I myself was eating 30 wings from wingstop it really does i don't care who you are like if somebody looks at you and they're like eat your fucking food you pig it really makes you like oh maybe i'm not as confident as i thought i was yeah you just tossed the hot dog out the window. Yeah, man. How big is Whitney on your thigh? I'm talking kneecap to mid thigh.

Wow. Six inches high. Some of those like Kevin Durant, Drake tattoo size, like big fucking portrait. Yeah. Big portrait. Yeah. Get her right on my thigh. So like outward facing and that with your new short shorts, like people are going to

see this. No, you're going to see it when I'm out. When I'm out when I'm out as for the world Trader Joe's or whatever You're gonna see Whitney at least the bottom of maybe not the faces for my lovers. Yeah Then you wiggle your leg around and she's singing a little bit. Yeah, I will always love you you yeah when i shake my hips she does the i will always want to dance with somebody oh you got like the petunia going from pete and pete yeah yeah whenever that would come on in a wedding i would just pull up my thigh and just hey and just do that kind of like like when you see it almost was like a like it almost feels like a moroccan thing where you just stick it out what's the ethiopian shoulder shake kind of thing but with your thigh

the chimmy yeah yeah like charo does yeah yeah like a charo thing with my thigh that's a charo thing shout out to all of our 58 year old listeners it's kind of like a charo thing yeah we love you i come with the hot kid references i said lil xan earlier now i'm saying charo the guy's got range yeah we're just what we're seeing right now is range my friends damian lillard is charl a kid thing i don't know what that is charles an old an older gal who uh was famous years ago probably i thought i thought gucci gucci gucci uh yeah anyways yeah it's cooch street Yeah. Anyways. Yeah. It's Cooch Street. Cooch. I love Whitney Houston enough to get a tattoo of her. Excellent.

And your fourth pick. And my fourth pick is going to be on the list because I did not remember. Oh, yeah. I want to get just kidding on my ass. Above it or on the cheeks? Like not huge, so it's not crazy, but just one cheek kidding the other cheek. Now, a tattoo on your butt would feel crazy because it would tickle a lot, I bet. Yeah, I bet it would, Sean. It would hurt and tickle, but it would just feel crazy, like a COVID test like it would just feel nuts where you're like whoa whoa whoa yeah like that's

not supposed to go there yeah i don't know if i'd be wild that'd be but it'd be it'd be fun i bet can i make a pitch for your butt tattoo yes you spell it just kitten like with two t's and then you have a little cute little persian kitty peeking out from behind it uh-huh oh on the crack it's just it's on now it's on one cheek it says just kitten and there's a little and there's peeking out from behind the words there's a little persian kitty i'm picturing there's like a cat who's clearly suffocating between suffocating between your butt cheeks and it's trying to get out oh like he's clawing his way out that's funny like my butt cheeks that i'm suffocating because i feel like because i feel like a dude a tat a butt cheek tattoo is like low rate like you know

yeah if you if you're gonna see the whole thing you already know what i'm what's going on you know what i mean like yeah that's the main i think on a guy that's like a great place to get it if you don't want anyone to see it yeah i had i had a buddy who was born in china and he had made in china tattooed on his ass and it was hilarious yeah that's funny yeah yeah so funny i love a dude with a butt tattoo love a butt tat that's gonna be on the out of context tweets for sure i love a dude with a butt tattoo all these butt chugging things are too. Yeah. Zach, time for your fourth pick. Pretty, I would just get a tennis racket, probably on the other underside of the bicep. Oh, yeah.

Just a pretty simple. It wouldn't have to be crazy detailed, just like any, just a random general racket would be fine. I like tennis. I might get that put under it. I might get the words, I like tennis. You should say, turn off that racket. I was charged with racketeering.

Racketeering. I'm a raconteur. I want you to get one of those old OG tennis rackets. Like a throwback. Oh, like a wood frame? Yeah. I think that'd be cool. I want you to get one of those old OG tennis rackets. Like a wood frame? Yeah. I think that'd be cool. I can do that. You don't need to get a newfangled Wilson. You don't need that shit. Old one.

Oh yeah, Wilson listener, if you're listening, I'll take those rackets. Yeah, well I'll take them. I want one too. I'm feeling fairly athletic these days. I'd love to go play tennis. I'll be below 300 by the time this drops. Hopefully. Knock on wood. Send me a racket, dude. Oh man. We got a racket guy? these days i'd love to go play tennis so i'll be below 300 by the time this drops hopefully knock on wood send me a racket dude oh man we got a racket guy ranking would be we got an email a

while back um and i told zach and he just started salivating but yeah we got an email a while back old boy said he wanted to send us some rackets and i was like yeah shit yeah dope i pulled over the car on the highway and i was like text him right now he drove to the savage spot in the desert he did that training day move to the Savage spot in the desert. He did that training day move where he pulled over in the middle of the freeway and got out and started howling like a wolf. And he asked me if I was a wolf or a sheep. And I was like, I just barely can get us tennis rackets. I don't know for sure.

He goes, I need the blood. Sean, I need the blood. Give me the blood, Sean. Give me the blood. Sean, you boy.. Sean, you boy. You sniveling boy. Stop. Tennis racket on the bicep.

Fantastic. Time for my fourth pick. With my fourth pick, I'm going to take something that... So I was going to take one, but I actually... Somebody... So I came up with a tattoo idea. Why? So I came up with the idea that Mel Brooks should be the Jewish Pope. I think he's the Pope of Judaism.

And then our friend Phoebe went ahead and got a tattoo of Mel Brooks as the Pope. Whoa. Really? Waller-Bridge? That's gnarly. Yeah. So go check out, if you want to see a tattoo inspired by me, go check out Phoebe Bottoms and check out her Mel Brooks as the Pope tattoo. So I was going to take that, but I'm going to get a tattoo inspired by me go check out phoebe bottoms and check out her mel brooks as the pope tattoo i also i was gonna take that but i'm gonna get

a tattoo that i might get i would get a little bottle of manischewitz inside my finger oh we've talked about that yeah i think you've brought that up before like i think that'd be that's awesome i wouldn't mind if you just still did that i might do that just one just a tiny little bottle of manischewitz right there on the inside of the finger sometimes those can wear away i know but whatever uh yeah just there just a subtle little just a little when you were taking a drink of stuff you could kind of like cock that back yeah and drink that oh that's fun at parties yeah that's fun at parties then i just start drinking manischewitz at parties and get diabetes soon. Has anyone seen my Manischewitz?

Oh, it's right here. You just peel the skin off for real every time? Oh, hair of the dog. There you go. He's putting his fucking finger in my drinks. Nothing better after a 40-year wander in the desert. There you are. That's your transition at the the hand washing after you hit him with the joke you want to snort yeah you want to no all right well off to denver

have fun in poughkeepsie watching shane torres headline crackers yeah so just a little bottle of manischewitz there the first thing i ever got drunk on So just a little bottle of Manischewitz there. The first thing I ever got drunk on. Manischewitz Judaism wine. Is it sweet? It's sweet as fuck. It's so sweet.

You might like it. I might have to try this. You shouldn't. Never buy it. Let me buy it because what if you get addicted to it? You can't know where to get it. What if you get addicted to it? They won't sell it to me.

So yeah, I would just get a little bottle of Manischewitz on the inside of the finger. Sean, time for your fourth and then your final picks. We'll do a little lightning round. For my fourth pick, I would get a soup can. So this is going on the other. I kind of mapped out where these are in my body. So you get a self-portrait. Damn, Gina.

Yeah, I'll give it to you. I'll give you, I'll give it to you on that. Get a soup can on the inside of my left bicep and it would say 0709 on it 0709 was it was july of 2009 before i moved to portland and that was like the absolute buckest month of my whole life so it's me adam spliff tori joey dj shane like nobody had jobs and if we did have jobs we barely had jobs and uh because adam had just got like laid off and tori was back in town visiting so it's just a whole month where we just we just partied all the time and skated and we stay up in the front yard and just like watch the sun come up every day it was damn crazy we'd like

we'd all pass out asleep at joey and dj's house and then they'd wake up to go to work because they actually had jobs and we'd just be on the floor like tetris pieces and it was just sick and then after that summer was over and like adam and tori left and like i kind of got serious about moving and i was terrified so that was like the last real summer of like zero responsibility that i ever had in life where i was close to home and i could just go to mom's for dinner if i didn't have food stuff like that so it was just like this amazing time in my life and soup can just because we always called people soup cans because frat's hilarious. So, and Tori was going to buy me, we were at, we're on Burnside one day and he's like, Jordan, if you go into that tattoo shop, I will buy you a soup can tattoo. And I don't want to say I was

close, but I wasn't not close to doing it. Ultimately I didn't do it, but that would just be one, like, I feel like a tattoo should definitely mean something and you should want to tell the story of why you have it so that'd be one i'd want to tell but would it have like campbell's on the i think so on the can yeah i think so i think that's like what you think of with a soup can or it would be like oh 709 and campbell's writing maybe like in cursive somehow oh that's right yeah that's cool on the can yeah a lot of and Andy Warhol people would get really confused by your tattoo.

You should get that at least on a t-shirt or something, man. Yeah, I do. Talking about it almost made me tear up and I want to get it so bad. Speaking of tearing up,

we don't have to dwell on this, but I saw that Twitter story the other day, last night, Ian. It made me, made me weep, weep last night. I was by myself,

Lord gone to bed, weeping. I was just sitting there thinking about how lucky i am and just how lucky we all are and how you know it's all good it made me cry too man that was amazing that kid looked so so sharp in his duds yeah man it's hot it's tough when you're a fuck when you're when you're a when you're a teenager of size to get like clothes that fit and look good on you man yeah fucking been there but check that twitter story out you'll find it if you want um so yeah that's my fourth pick and fifth pick is it mine yeah yeah all right this one is just for me and this is a fictional world where i wouldn't get this tattoo but i want it

bad and it's the tupac thug life across my stomach in this world i have the abs for it. That would be insane. Yeah, dude. That would be... I wanted that since I was 12. If I saw that before I knew you, we wouldn't be friends. Tupac Thug Life, right across my abbed up stomach, dude. Same font? Same weird bamboo font he had in? Exactly the same.

If you had that tattoo, you would have to start the podcast I told you about. What did? The one that you have to host. What's that? I forgot what it was. Tales from the Crip? Yeah. Sean Jordan, your Crip Keeper?

I feel like that if Sean Jordan hosted a podcast called Tales from the Crip, I feel like that would come up on Twitter. Yeah, I don't know that I want to be out there like that. I think inside our little universe it's funny but in the world i don't know if i want to be like what's up crip and then i turn around and it's just like sack full of quarters to the dome and then i just get beat senseless it might come up yeah what are you talking about what are you i'm in prison i'm in prison in this room and somebody's saving up his quarters to beat your ass she is gonna beat my ass it's a pharaoh it's a female i believe they're called

pharaohs anyway yeah dog life tatted on my stomach all Amazing. I love it. Time for my final pick, I guess, right? Yeah. Yeah. My final pick. My final pick would be regular listeners of All Fair and See Everything will know from

the last live Denver one that Lean on Me is like a very important song to me and my mom when I was a little kid. She would sing it to me all the time and then we'll still sing it.

We'll still listen to it. We, when last time we did karaoke time we did karaoke we sang it together uh it just means a lot to me it makes it feels like home it feels like family i would get lean on me just on the wrist just in cursive just right there i might really get it if you are wise i want to get a tattoo i i want to get one at some point and it's i don't know it seems weird to do, like, but I just want one. Like, so late in life.

Listen, Sean, you can do whatever you want, bro. Thanks, bro. I appreciate it. Yeah. So that's my last one. Yeah. Just lean on me on the inside of my rest. I love you, mama.

Zach, time for your final pick. Yeah, my final one would be i would probably just get uh me my sisters my mom took a vacation in north carolina like 2009 and they all got a they designed like a a logo and they all got a tattoo on the back of their neck like right below the end of their hairlines right where you get hooked into the matrix huh right yeah yeah it kind of i don't i don't quite remember exactly how the logo looks it's kind of like if the prince logo was more bubbly huh yeah not the exact prince one but like that kind of a thing yeah bubbly and it's just like more bubble letter style uh i would probably just get that because i always felt i

mean i don't have any tattoos, so they've never given me shit for not going with them to all get that tattoo, but if I started getting tattoos, then I would feel guilty. So then I would have to get it there. And now that I have long hair, I'm like, oh, I could also just hide that pretty well.

I love that. Perfect. Excellent. And David, your final pick. I'd get a map of Sierra Leone. And I don't know where. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Excellent. And David, your final pick. I'd get a map of Sierra Leone. Ooh, yeah. And I don't know where. Maybe my nuts. I don't mean that.

I don't mean that. That was... The country's not as wrinkly as you think. And you could unroll it and like... Yeah. Uh-huh. I think that would feel weird. Like a national treasure. I think it'd be like a COVID test again.

Oh, there's a lot of mountains in Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone has herpes. But just for the record, I do not have herpes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good to get on the back. None of us have herpes. Yeah, this is a herpes. No shade.

Yeah, it's stray bull. It happens. You catch it every now and then. I never even had a cold sore. That's amazing. So to recap, Matt,ir, one of the nuts. To recap, Sean, you went first, and you took a memo pad on the top of your hand,

like a stick figure skateboard with first love and cursive on the inside of your forearm, the Spitfire logo filled in on the inside of your bicep, a soup can with 0709 on your bicep, and then Thug Life right across where you think it is right across the beltway and that right across the beltway right a true dc insider i would get irony in hebrew on my shoulder a pine street a pine tree on my wrist a bad picture of my sister a soon-to-be dr eliza carmel on my shoulder a small bottle of Manischewitz on the inside of my finger, and then lean on me

in script on the inside of my wrist. Zach, you went third, and you would take Tuscany and Old English on the back, street smart, possibly by your armpit, I don't know, an Albert Einstein quote, a tennis racket on the inside of the bicep,

and then the bubbly Prince family vacation symbol, maybe on the back of your neck. Yeah. Yeah. David, you went last, and you took Borey fanatically on your chest. Oh, yeah. You doing the fizz face on your own back.

Yeah. Photorealistic. Whitney Houston on the thigh from her first self-titled album, Whitney. Just kidding on your ass. And then finally, a map of sierra leone maybe on your nuts david's the scariest you're the scariest you're the one i don't want to fight you don't know what you don't know what's going on with that guy if you took the placement context out of our picks

and you sent this four months back and be like, guess what you guys are drafting? That would be so like, I don't know. I'd be able to get it from Sean's stickboard tattoo. I'd be able to piece it together. I only had one honorable mention, which is there's a picture of my father, Ivan M. Carmel, from back in like either the early, like probably in the 70s, where he's like fully 70s out and has like a big ass jufro and a mustache and like these glasses he looks slick as fuck i gotta i'll have to get a hold of it

and i would get a tattoo of that yeah dude i need to see that yeah i want to see that i want to see that for sure that sounds great i would love to see the dude the dude was suave dude oh yeah yeah i had no honorable mentions this this one was really hard for me. I always joke about like, oh yeah, make that a tattoo. But like thinking about what I would actually get is really hard. Yeah. I had almost all jokes until we started. And then I was like, oh, all right. Well, I'm going to do some serious ones.

Marissa, if you could get a tattoo, what would you get a tattoo of? For me, either I like no tattoos or a lot of tattoos. So I think I would do like two full sleeves with like Chinese dragons. Yo. Nice. That would look so cool on you doing Beat Saber. Oh my God. Yes, it would.

I didn't even consider that. Oh my God. I think I'd want to take up the name Dragon after that. Like I would just want to pick up that nickname. I'd call you Dragon for sure. Yeah. Absolutely. I might just start doing it anyways. Yeah. I think we might have to integrate that yeah we can just do that

our super producer dragon yeah excellent well we want to hear yours hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com uh shout out to everyone on the afe subreddit shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything patreon thank you for holding us down and letting us do what we do so well shout out to super producer dragon shout out to

say sue carmel shout out to shout out to everyone following covid guidelines big shout out to you and wearing masks and all that shit shout out to essential workers shout out to those people wearing masks and all that shit shout out to essential workers shout out to uh those people that got afe tattoos yo shout out to them oh i just i just popped into my head that's what the coolest thing that i've ever been a part of almost clackety on a can and

then turn it again next week with little stars around it they're so rad amazing yeah so buck hit hit us with uh hit us with pictures of those we'll tag it when this comes out oh yeah i've got them somewhere but we'll retweet them we'll retweet them uh yeah oh that fucking great point yeah shout out to the two of you the wonderful i think they drove up from florida for the boston show right boston was where it was yeah yeah that is a drive first day of the rest of my life that man that was so buck i was not ready for how gnarly that tour was i'll tell you i can't wait to do it again yeah i'm ready i'm ready i might do it might do it a tad differently when we do it again yeah i can think of five moves i would change immediately yeah shout out to all of you shout out to everyone try to have a i mean we'll do another episode

i guess that'll come out on thanksgiving but uh happy thanksgiving to everyone and if you can't go home i can't go home i I can't go back to Portland because we're going to be super duper safe. So no, you won't be dining alone alone. Somewhere will be with you eating a whole ham throwing her balls at people. Yeah, and more important than all of that,

tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. I don't have herpes. I don't have herpes. No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

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No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! That was a HeadGum Podcast.